#their designs are killing me rip i cannot figure it out

[teslacoils-and-hubris]

as i continue to try and fill in the world of loam with actual people and factions and not just obsess over the technical aspects of how magic works and influences the world, im finally finding opertunities to use some of my favourite troupes i haven't had a change to before

namely, in the case of the trio im working on now, the blindly loyal knight and the jester

The Nothing King claims ownership over all things dismissed and forgotten. If you brush something, anything, off as 'just nothing' she Will come and lay claim to it. She's an eccentric figure who's actions and plans make little sense to outsiders, even her loyal companions. As difficult to understand as she may be, the Nothing King is not a cruel ruler. If you come looking for something lost or forgotten there's a good chance she will have it and be willing to hand it over, so long as you have something to trade and make sure not to offend her.

The King's guard has no other name, and only one other title: hound. Though not violent by nature, his blind loyalty to his master makes him an incredibly effective weapon when need be. Thankfully the Nothing King doesn't seem keen to push him past his limits. Unless you've horribly fucked up, the guard is more like a bouncer than anything- removing those who are not worth the King's time and protecting them from the dangerous beasts of Loam. He doesn't speak, but is quite the skilled writer. His companions always seem to know what he's thinking, even with the helmet he never removes.

The jester is the most hard to pin down of the group. Everything about them is fluid, a carefully constructed performance he's willing to cast off for the next mask whenever the fancy strikes. She loves causing trouble, spitting cutting remarks at anyone and everyone to get the King to laugh. Hir jokes are often lewd in nature, but they save any and all proper flirting for their two companions. Despite seeming lackadasical on the surface, the Jester does just as much work if not more behind the scenes to make sure the King's obsurd plans come to fruition.

The group live somewhere at the later parts of Loam's exsistance, when magic has torn apart the fabric of reality so much that it's having a hard time staying together, resulting in a lot of strange and impossible things happening. Like all lost objects finding their way to one person. They've also got some sort of highly complicated relationship anarchy thing going on. You'd need like three highly detailed charts to understand whatever weird thing they have going on. The most important detail is they're all Highly codependant and have seperation anxiety about it. Do not seperate them!

[omegaversebookshelf]

BatFamily: Omegaverse Edition

I have been recently re-hit by my enduring, overwhelming love for these anxious, extremely competent, disaster humans. So I'm making this post to cope with the Feelings.

This is just going to be a breakdown of the gender designations I usually give each member of the family, and why, the short version, because there's a lot of them. (Does include some more peripheral members, the only requirement to be included here is to be part of the core cast really)

I might do more in-depth posts for them on an individual basis at some point in the future.

Also this post is p much ship-neutral, with some acknowledgements of canonical relationships.

In age order...

Talia: (Becuase she is actually the oldest rip) Talia is an omega. Her relationship with Ra's in the comics is in a large part defined by his despair that she would be the perfect heir "were she not a woman" (pause for eyeroll) (Ra's is an alpha, of course. He doesn't get a full section because fuck him) This is just that scaled up. She also took control of multiple criminal organizations partly by weaponizing her femininity (but mostly by killing people and we love that for her). This also adds some layers of complication to her relationship with Damian. And also the rest of the Bats and Birds but Damian is the one she cares about.

(Also like, on a more serious note, the absolute character assassination she has undergone during her run time is horrific in a way that is very much centered around her identity as a woman, and specifically a woman of color, and I cannot in good conscience ignore that. Fuck Grant Morrison. All my homies hate Grant Morrison)

Alfred: Alfred is an alpha. Yes, I know most fics have him as a beta but I firmly believe alpha fits more with both his backstory (military and theater) and character (very protective and willing to get lethal with it.) He's a very low-key alpha, who, as the Wayne family butler, most people assume to be a beta, but his is very much an alpha.

Bruce: I write Bruce as a beta. Brucie Wayne is the epitome of non-threatening himbo and being a neutral beta helps with being not taken seriously as a danger. It also adds a wider layer of disguise for Batman, since the general consensus is that Batman has to be an alpha. (Also lets me have the trinity be "one each"* and that makes me happy. They’ll get their own post together soon)

Beta Bruce also means he gets to be consistently flummoxed by his children’s situations. He is more comfortable with alpha things, since both Alfred and his parents are/were alphas so they’re more familiar to him.

Selina: An omega. (As you can tell, Bruce may or may not have a bit of a weakness for omega women who don't take anybody's shit XD) Selina is an archetypal femme fatal (though also so much more) couldn't have her be anything else. This also adds to her reputation in Crime Alley, both in the sense of building herself into a serious faction and in her reputation as a safe space for strays.

Barbara: An alpha. More independent than the rest of her generation, only a Bat on her own terms and has never worked for Batman, only with him. As Oracle, who most people never meet in person, she is fairly genderless, though very much fem-presenting, but that counts a bit less in an omegaverse context.

Dick: Dick Grayson is an omega, the tendency towards being flattened into "sexy golden retriever and support of the family" and ignoring of the very real complexity in his character and storylines? he couldn't be anything else. (No, I'm not salty, don't @ me) Robin is genderless/gender neutral, Nightwing is an omega. (Titans era Dick Grayson did not give a flying fuck, as appropriate for a run about teenagers figuring out who they are in the world.)

Cass: I usually write Cass as either a beta or an omega. Part of her character is how she is deceptively non-threatening at first glance while being able to absolutely wipe the floor with the majority of her opponents. I usually lean beta for her, because I think it adds to her bond with Bruce. She has very firm connections with Babs, because of her support and care, so giving her that kind of mirror to Bruce helps balance out that relationship. It also allows for the continuation of Beta Batman in the Future. (Because Cass absolutely should be the next Batman I have been saying this for a decade and I stand by it)

Jason: Jason is an alpha. There is just something about the particular flavor of non-toxic masculinity that comes with Jason’s character that I think lends itself to this very well. Also something something expectations of violence and choices.

Stephanie: Steph is an omega. When I was first figuring these out (back in like, 2016-ish) I went back and forth between beta and omega for her before ultimately coming down in favor of omega. On the shallow side, it allows for the three main batgirls to hit each gender option. On the character history side I think it fits her teen pregnancy storyline she had. And it just fits her particular story imo. She fought literally everyone to be a vigilante. Everyone in her life has told her no at some point.

Tim: Works well with any gender, I usually opt for beta!Tim just because I think it lends itself well to his general perception as Bruce’s mini-me (despite how far from the truth that is in some significant ways). Usually if I’m not writing him beta I’m writing him alpha.

Duke: Duke I lean towards alpha both because it helps balance the family out (the perils of being the newcomer) and also I have a fondness for “chill but also absolutely unhinged” characters as alphas. Also, in a similar way to Jason, his gender means people tend to assume/underestimate how much his intelligence is involved in what he does (intersectionality also hits hard here let’s be real). I just really like the idea of Jason and Duke sending like, crossword puzzles back and forth to each other as a weird form of bonding okay.

Damian: Imma be honest Damian is who I go back and forth on the most. Any option gives a good story for his character, they’re just all different ones. Baby Damian would consider being an omega something to be ashamed of, being an alpha proof of his superiority, and being a beta merely acceptable (and maybe a way to relate to his father). As he grows into the person he is now, it would be either accepting his own worth, or accepting the worth of others, and figuring out how his gender identity and the social roles that come with it play into who he is as a hero and as a person.

I adore Damian so much. When I first was getting into comics he and Dick were just wrapping up their stint as Batman and Robin and they hold a special place in my heart.

Genetically, all three options are possible for him, his mother is an omega, his father a beta, and at least three out of four grandparents are alphas.

[typekiku]

TSUKIHIME FASHION REVIEW 3!!!

under the dark crimson moon, i write this newest entry of the much awaited much beloved tsukihime fashion review.

it's a duty i must carry out for the sake of the generations of lost sheep both before and after my time that have yet to truly appreciate the true depth of style that is contained within the single greatest visual novel known to mankind (according to me)

yet, i feel as if i am not doing my duty to its fullest... how can i possibly adequately sum the glory of todays fashionista? how can i dare attempt to sum that up?? no! i cannot waver in my faith in my incredibly lacking writing skills nor fear people figuring out this barely has anything to do with fashion... I WILL PERSEVERE!!

on with the show as the youth say!

(SPOILER ALERT: i should mention ill probably end up spoiling a shit ton of oghime and whatnot here so watch out)

so without further ado todays subject is:

drum roll

MORE DRUM ROLL

thanks uhh whatever you are from

MICHAEL ROA VALDAMJONG

yes the one and only roa

BROA

the legend himself, the Serpent of Akasha, Uroboros, the founder of the burial agency, the infinite reincarnatior, and professional Arcueid simp.

we have gathered here today to judge his design and uh fashion ig and whatever else i feel like ranting today about.

lets get right to it.

look at this dude all shirtless and shit like cmon so shameless... cover em up damn. seriously tho this man has a thing for showing off his (or should i say others) bodies like you will see soon.

i guess this comes down to him enjoying the freedom of being fully in control of whatever body he is currently occupying actually?

maybe this is some super deep look into the merits of semi nudism or whatever idk im not smart.

probably takeuchi just wanted an excuse to draw some seriously ripped abs actually i mean this might seriously be the most abby abs we ever see in any TM work. its fucking shredded and roa probably knew that. weirdo

on the flipside that majestic hair is simply incredible. DAMN thats some 10/10 hair. only other hair in this series that compares is my wife arcueid's long hair before her mean little (Older actually but idc) Altrouge got all mean and shit.

umm who is this? what happened to my incredible haired roa?? TAKEUCHI WHERE ARE YOU??? someone please give me back long haired roa... this isnt funny...

do you see what we lost? long gorgeous haired roa should've stayed and im genuinely upset we lost him to this admittingly much better dressed roa. im ashamed of you serpent of fraudkasha

fr tho where tf did he even get this rockstar ass drip anyways? we know SHIKI has been locked up in the outside house for awhile before released thanks to a certain maid... did he just drop by the local hot topic or whatever? did he manifest it through sheer willpower and arcueid simpery?

understandable tbh i too acheive things through arcueid simpery such as dirty stares and social exclusion!!

for reference, here is SHIKI

yea

i guess he just uhh changes him which in hindsight is really fucking sad to think about so lets not

uhh ANYWAYS

ok so ignoring ciel on the right elesia or should i say roa decides the very first thing hes gonna do in poor elesias body is to strip it naked

huh?

yea roa is definitely a weird one. no wonder the other ancestors hate him (besides nero because he is #HIM)

sick cape tho

why is he so hot here actually? what the hell? i underestimated his looks like damn

no really why is he so hot anyways he should look like an absolute freak like he actually is. i see you roa. i see you got that long braid wrapped around your neck like damn son... you may have fallen in love with a literal killing machine and never even got to speak to her till the very very end but i see you.

rizzless bastard.

well thats enough from me so ill drop this classic mahoyo line because i found it very funny without context.

ciao!

[soullessjack]

fave saw trap?

OOHH oh my god okay I have so many.

Obligatory reverse bear trap mention bc who doesn’t love her, she’s mother. she is the beginning with John and Amanda and she is the end with Jill and Mark, she brings the narrative to a full circle despite her mechanical function being the opposite.

THE BATHROOM TRAP!!!!!! Obsessed with it. The shades of blue and white and the fluorescent lights, the grimy browns and greens and reds, all so absolutely beautiful together. Really pulls you into the dampness and coldness and the filth of it. Obligatory chainshipping mention also. Love those guys. Very normal about them.

the angel trap and its’ fatality is so so visually beautiful to me. she mothers extremely hard (god rest Kerry tho). truly one of the artsiest of the traps. I love the warmish shade of green in the room, and in the acid, and of course I love it contrasting with the red shade of the ribcage gore.

glass coffin for obvious reasons.. mark is soooo delicious in it with his hair all messy and his nose bleeding and his tits propped up I mean what hahah who said that . and I absolutely love the cold shade of blue it gives off, very lovely contrast with marks nosebleed also. and the whole coffinshipping thing. like it’s such a trust-based trap ironically. like, “you know what I’ve done you know who I am you know I am guilty and cannot be trusted whatsoever but will you throw away all of that and trust me anyways, is your will to survive strong enough to trust someone who ostensibly does not deserve it.” so delicious

I don’t like Jigsaw but I will admit the hot wax trap looked pretty cool, definitely one of the scariest of the movie. if you’ve ever seen 2005’s House of Wax it gives the same literally suffocating and uncomfortable feeling as Jared Padalecki’s character’s wax coating (and the horrendous peeling of it) bc you’re watching someone in such a helpless horrible position and relegated only to watching it.

the death mask is another super cool visual trap, love the green tint, love the spikes, even Michael’s eye injury looked cool! the snapping kill at the end was definitely cool too.

the nerve gas house 100% fav. I love saw 2 very dearly, both for Daniel and Amanda and for Mudvayne’s Forget To Remember song in the credits. I didn’t enjoy most of the traps in the house, mostly bc I felt like they could’ve been easily avoided or thought out better (but in the victims’ defense they were actively being poisoned) and also bc I wasn’t very attached to anyone outside of Danny and Mandy. Love the atmosphere of the house, the grime and dim fluorescence and yellow-greens (as a graphic designer warm tints like that are very good at giving off a sense of humidity and feverishness, really adds to the nerve gas poisoning and the claustrophobia of the house, too).

the horsepower trap. quick bonus for the green and yellows tints, but also I’m personally very drawn to settings with mechanical clutter. I’m not mechanically inclined in any way but visually I love looking at them and figuring out what they do. based mark for putting nazis in an inescapable trap also! the kills are deliciously brutal. the skin ripping scene, the windshield crash, the face smashing, and my absolute favorite has to be the arm/jaw yanking (specifically the jaw, idk I just think it’s neat. maybe not neat , per se, but one of those extremely gruesome things that you just can’t look away from. no pun intended it’s like a car crash).

the Mausoleum Trap. love the setting, a trap in a fucking mausoleum is metal as fuck. more traps should have spooky settings like that I think (a morgue trap would go so fucking hard also). love the colors, basically I love the entire concept but the execution could’ve bene way better (which can be said about a lot of 3D’s themes, especially the See/Hear/Speak/Do No Evil ones).

[alarajrogers]

Alara's List Of Games She Cannot Design Because She Is Not A Game Designer

None of these exist as anything other than high concept, and if you wanna rip one off, feel free, but give me credit for the original concept.

"Rat Man" game except with Portal IP stripped out of it. I wanted, years ago, to see a game about the Rat Man, which turns his schizophrenia into a game mechanic. In Portal lore, Rat Man, a paranoid schizophrenic who worked at Aperture Science, was the only survivor of GLaDOS' deadly neurotoxin, because his paranoia led him to flee. I wanted to have a character who successfully escaped an evil computer due to being paranoid. He has meds with him. If he takes the meds, he doesn't hallucinate, he sees the world as it is, he is better able to control his emotions (extreme terror can lead to a heart attack). But, he is less likely to notice threats. Without his meds, his inanimate comfort object talks to him so he is less lonely (extreme loneliness can cause depression, which slows all reaction time), and gives him warnings about threats before he can see them. Also, he sees the threats faster. He also sees a lot of threats that don't actually exist, which causes him to burn through his health faster. So the player has to trade off between taking meds for greater health and calm, vs not taking meds for greater reaction time and higher mood (without meds he is terrified all the time but he has his talking friend, who fills him with determination and strength of will, because his friend wants him to survive. With meds, his friend is an inanimate object and he's all alone.)

Something where you get to weaponize gravity against threats, like, you're on a space station where the artificial gravity is shut down, and your first and best big upgrade is getting the remote that turns on the gravity plating in the bulkheads. Gravity plating is in all bulkheads so you can make gravity happen on your left, then after your enemies are all drawn to your left, switch it off there and turn it on to the right, making them all fall the width of the room.

Bad Bitches, where you (or you and 2 friends in co-op mode) play female dogs getting into trouble in the trash cans and pantries in your house, while your owner patrols and tries to catch you being bad.

Mini Fridgy, where your mom is a jerk who has hidden all the snacks in the house in various mini-fridges, pantries and lockers in your house, and you have to run around eating the snacks and dodging your mom. Done in retro 80's mode because that's when I came up with this game. There is absolutely no pro-social or "health conscious" model here, you are a kid who wants snacks.

An RPG where you are a human who died and was sent to a world mostly populated by cute talking animals who are very sheltered and have basically the emotional regulation of 8 year olds. Also magic works here and responds to emotion, positive or negative, so friendship really is magic, a bunny rabbit throwing a Karen tantrum at the market because they didn't have the lettuce they wanted could turn into a poltergeist throwing everything around if you don't talk her down, and killing a sapient being turns anyone who does it into a monster. You can be a monster hunter, a monster reformer (this is dangerous as shit), a peacemaker, a farmer, a shopkeeper, whatever. Kind of like Animal Crossing in some ways, but with some MLP kind of shit mixed in.

Prison Break (not the actual title): Another story about cute animals. They are in prison for murder, arson, grand theft, etc, and so are you. Build alliances with your fellow prisoners, don't get shivved by that bunny with a knife, and, eventually, organize a prison break. You can kill people in this game but if it's not self defense you better make sure the wardens can't figure out it was you. And by people I mean adorable small animals who are disrespecting you.

[toomanyf4ndoms7]

Missing MK11 Koncept: Ermac

Bio: A fusion of ten thousand souls, Ermac has been a dutiful warrior of Outworld since their creation by Shao Kahn. After nearly being killed by Shang Tsung an realising a powerful presence within, Ermac now has the chance to choose their own destiny.

Gear:

Mask: (Select animation: Camera pans up to his face.) Designs include varying styles of face mask. Cloth, metal, bandages, ripped bandages to expose some of his face, but there is no mask-less option. I feel it makes him mysterious when you can’t see his face.

Chest jewel: (Select animation: Camera focuses on his chest) Designs include his crest from MKX, a glowing eye, A symbol of Shao Kahn, one for Mileena, and one for Kotal, and one that is entirely original called “Our own path.”

Spirit: One of Ermac’s souls burst out and take a human shape. Designs include one with edenian armour, a ravaged ghost, and one with a vaguely king-like attire. 

Skins:

We live: The MK11 Krypt Outfit.

Broken hold: Their deception outfit.

Raging souls: New design with ripped fabric, exposing glowing holes.

Ko’atal’s enforcer: A modified version of their MKX design.

Universal moves:

Force lift: Ermac lifts the opponent into the air with telekinesis and slams them down. amplify for a pop up.

Force-ball: Ermac shoots a blast of soul energy as a projectile.

Teleport: Ermac vanished and punches the opponent from behind. Amplify for a pop up.

Kustom moves:

Suspend: Replaces force lift. Ermac suspends the opponent in the air for a free hit.

Soul-ball: Ermac shoots one of his souls forward, which this as a projectile. Amplify to have the soul enter the opponent and stun them for a moment.

Misdirection: Gains the ability to cancel the teleport.

Tele-push: Ermac captures the opponent in a hold before pushing them away. Amplify to stun them on the hold.

We are many: Ermac gains a combo string reminiscent of his assist konsumable in the game proper.

Fatalities:

Helping hands: Ermac unleashes two of his souls to grab the opponent’s arms. He holds out his hands and begins to slowly pull them apart as the spirits begin to pull at the opponent’s arm. With a powerful motion, the opponent in ripped in half down the middle.

From within: Ermac forces the opponent’s mouth open and blasts soul magic into their open maw. The opponent stumbles back in pain, twitching and yelling before their body explodes and reveals a group of ghastly souls bursting out.

Friendship:

Glitching out: Ermac turns around, finding an arcade cabinet. he levitates in a quarter and begins to play, before it suddenly glitches out. He hits the machine with his fist before groaning and turning away. He occasional gives a glance to the camera that screams ‘Are you seeing this shit?”

Intro animations:

Ceamr odse nto exist: Ermac’s corpse is impaled through the pit spike, before a rush of souls rejuvenate them.

Inner torment: Close up on Ermac’s gem, filled with ghastly screams before it zooms out.

You’re next: Ermac walks into the arena while levitating a head in the air.

Strength of souls: A storm of swirling souls is seen perform it shrinks into a person shaped figure that becomes Ermac.

Outro animations:

WE ARE MANY: Ermac floats in the air and folds his arms.

Strength of souls: Ermac places his hand over his soul jewel, concentrating power, before shooting a blast to the screen.

Rage of spirits: A group of souls burst out of Ermac’s gem and rush towards the screen with ghastly shrieks.

Mystic warrior: Ermac levitates and meditates in a cross leg pose.

Intro dialogue:

Vs Shao Kahn:

Ermac: Kotal has earned our loyalty.

Shao Kahn: You were created to serve me.

Ermac: We choose our fate.

Shao Kahn: My greatest creation.

Ermac: And the one which will end you.

Shao Kahn: HA! Delusional fool...

Vs Shang Tsung:

Ermac: You attempted to consume our souls.

Shang Tsung: You will join them, in time.

Ermac: We will take them, and you!

Shang Tsung: I thought you dead.

Ermac: We cannot be killed by impalement.

Shang Tsung: I have other ways to finish you.

Vs Kotal Kahn:

Kotal Kahn: You have returned.

Ermac: With news of Shang Tsung’s returned.

Kotal Kahn: What manipulations has he cast on you?

Vs Mileena:

Ermac: You never deserved Shao Kahn’s throne.

Mileena: I am his rightful heir!

Ermac: You were his pawn.

Ending:

Our power tore through Kronika’s body. And as her power washed over us, we were… disoriented.

(Shot of Ermac standing over Kronika’s body, before they clutch their head in sudden pain.)

Our souls were in turmoil, shouting and screaming for control, but they soon fell silent in the face of King Jerrod.

(Camera zooms in on Ermac, their countless souls ripping out for dominance, before they all return to their body and Ermac stands back up.)

Jerrod ordered us to restore Edenia, the kingdom that had been consumed by Outworld for thousands of years. We felt it was just.

(Ermac floats to the hourglass, using it to observe the moment of Edenia’s fall.)

There is a drawback to this approach. Without Edenia’s fall, our souls would not be combined. We will never exist.

(Ermac looks on their creation, as Shao Kahn binds countless souls to a single host.)

We… believe it is a worthy sacrifice. For all Shao Kahn has done. We will soon be erased. 

(Ermac makes their decision, as the image transitions to a restored Edenia, never set upon by Shao Kahn.)

But, as long as Edenia lives, so shall we in spirit.

For we are Ermac. And we… are many.

(Final shot is of countless Edenian soldiers, with the faint outline of Ermac over them.)

Mid fight quotes:

“You face an army!”

“You will become part of us!”

*A multitude of ghastly yells*

“You are one.”

[mihai-florescu]

Hi as my designated Madara mutual could you tell me about Double Face pls also hi hope you’re having a wonderful day ily

Omg hii yes well. What do you know already? I'll give the quick tldr of their first event: Kohaku was tasked to investigate a shady producer, Madara was also interested in this man's downfall because of his connections to Leo, so the 2 joined forces to take down gfk under the name Double Face (which was initially used yeeears ago by Godfather to form a duo but it didn't stick cuz the other person died. I'm sure that's um. Irrelevant though...👁👁)

They continue Double Face even though initially it was supposed to be a one time teamup situation and they investigate Ibara and Valkyrie in Antique Legend. Their dynamic works because they both have quite dark backgrounds, Kohaku's assassin family and Madara's whole yakuza-police-cult childhood. So neither reaaally fits into "normal society" although Kohaku's more well adjusted since 1. He was shielded from much of the family's business, for better or worse, and 2. He has Crazy:B as well. So, despite initially not wanting to team up, in the end Kohaku's the one pushing Madara to open up and realise he's not as alone and damned as he thinks. Tfw a 15 yo is more emotionally mature than you. Rip😔

In Secret Service, Madara and Kogaku have a reaaally good showdown, I cannot even begin to describe it, I really recommend reading it. Kohaku threatening to kill Madara (who had formed an alliance with Gatekeeper to ensure he progresses in SS) since their duo was only formed by coincidence and they're not even friends and Madara being certain Kohaku can't follow through with the threat is something you have to experience yourself, i'm still wrapping my head around it rereading from time to time. Secret Service has some of my favorite quotes exploring Madara's loneliness.

I think the last story they were both in is Spring Evening's Respite where Madara tries to shut down Double Face by faking a (i dont remember exactly) journalist or blogger or paparazzi that is alegedly capable to figure out his and Kohaku's pasts if they gain more traction as a unit, so it's better to just disband now. Which was another one of his attempts at distancing himself from people cuz he thinks he'll inevitably hurt them but Kohaku calls him out on this and doesn't let him end Double Face so easily. They have a live where df, crazyb and mam all perform (and 2wink but we're not focusing on them rn) and i really love that they got to participate with All of their units. Even brought back MaM! And that's it, we're up to date, I'm sooo curious what their next story will be like.

[illmoraineakoi]

Guess who's designing a Blackwyrm OC

RIP

I'm trying to figure out how I want her to look, mainly her lower body.

A part of me thinks it'd be funny if she were naga-like, either fully or with a few insect legs, but another part of me really REALLY wants to give her long legs, to go fully in on the whole insect body and to strut about sexily tormenting Hollow who cannot stop staring and getting distracted-

Maybe I can do both. Insect body similar to Grimm or Hornet but super long worm-like 'tail'.

(The image of her just rearing up on her tail like an angry snake to tower over PK and everyone else is so funny to me)

That'd really help to go in on the "He made me an abomination" angle, a creature that clearly wasn't quite a bug but sure as HELL wasn't a Wyrm either.

Still unsure if that sort of a result was intentional or not; it being an accident gives a little bit of leeway to forgive the King (only a little, dude, you intentionally fucked with her body at their most vulnerable time wtf is wrong with you? That's low, even if she did try to kill you and steal your kingdom. No I don't care if you saw the opportunity to "experiment" that makes it WORSE!) and it's a little more believable that something went wrong or didn't work as intended since this was something he's never done before.

On the other side, this alteration was meant to be a punishment, retribution for the destruction and death she caused. Wyrms aren't known to forgive or go easy on those they defeat, the fact that she's allowed to live at all is a mercy. Wyrms normally go for the kill. He could've totally just killed her, again, for good, and he would've been in his right to.

(She's probably super insulted that he didn't. She probably calls him a coward, a weakling, a pathetic failure of a wyrm who can't even bloody his teeth right. And he's just like "lmao okay whatever helps you sleep at night, looser.")

I'm also turning around the idea that wyrms teeth are unique, though I'm unsure how much leeway I should give myself if so. PK's work as teeth and horns, they're simple enough, and over-complicating a tooth/horn might turn out shitty.

I'm rambling, I should probably just sketch.

[crankynewt]

Good for a Weekend (Helmut Zemo)

Masterlist

Summary: You were retired, a disgraced Avenger content living the rest of their life out in solitude. But Sam and Bucky's shenanigans dragged you back into the hero life and you found yourself face to face with the man who'd got you into this mess in the first place. The question is, however, is he really who you thought he was? Or are you just as crazy as him?

Pairing: Helmut Zemo x Reader

Warnings: TFAWS Episode 3 Spoilers, Zemo (he's a warning), swearing, mentions of torture and experimenting (past), drinking, Zemo being semi-protective, I think that's it??

Word Count: 3.41k

Author's Note: Biting the bullet and writing this BEFORE Marvel does something to get us to hate him again. Also, ZEMO AND BLANK SPACE WORK SO WELL TOGETHER OMG.

“You’ve got to be shitting me.” You murmured, looking at the message from Sam flashing across your phone. Although you had stopped dead in your tracks, the chaos of the bustling streets of London continued around you. You pushed your sunglasses further up your nose, them having fallen down as you were peering at the screen of your burner cell.

‘Need your help in Madripoor ASAP,’ the text read. You weren’t daft, you knew exactly what kind of lawless entropy happened on that Indonesian island and if Sam was asking for your help, that meant he was in some deep shit.

‘I’m retired,’ you replied, glancing over your shoulder out of habit. Although you’d been pardoned after the Berlin incident by the government, you were still a disgraced Avenger in the eyes of the world. All you wanted was to live the rest of your life out in peace, a future without the world-saving you began when you left HYDRA with the Maximoff twins.

You hadn’t chosen to become a human lab rat, tortured and exposed to the mind stone until you could suddenly hear the thoughts of others in your head. Telepathy and telekinesis were not necessarily the kind of special skills that employers wanted to see on a resume, but alas, here you were. Thankfully, however, you'd learned to block them out until necessary to violate people's privacy. Fighting aliens and other superpowered entities, including the people you’d once considered to be your family, were in the past.

‘Please. It’s Bucky,’ Sam messaged again. Those three words were enough to make your blood run cold and your heart stop. Bucky was the reason you were in this mess in the first place, and you would be damned if the ex-assassin was going to fall back into the clutches of evil.

With a sigh, you typed back ‘fine’ and began the trek towards your apartment. Your phone was vibrating again immediately, Sam explaining that they would be picking you up at a small airstrip on the edge of the city.

Three hours later, you were walking along a long, concrete runway, the harsh England wind attacking your body as you pulled your leather jacket tighter around you. Your brows furrowed in confusion at the sight of a civilian jet rather than the military-esque vessels you’d become accustomed to. The steps were awaiting your ascent with an older man stood adjacent to the entrance.

“Ms.(Y/L/N),” he greeted. A thick accent laced his tone, one you couldn’t quite determine from the crackling of age in his voice. German or Russian, most likely, you deduced. Attempting to be polite despite your skepticism, you gave him a tight-lipped smile and handshake before the elder man gestured towards the stairs for you. Entering the jet, you turned right to be met with the familiar faces of Sam and Bucky.

“(Y/N)!” Bucky exclaimed, rising from his seat and embracing you in a hug. He held you tightly against his body, almost as if he wasn’t sure you were really there. The super soldier had taken a liking to you when the two of you stayed in Wakanda during your exile, both of you having a certain understanding of the other due to your shared experiences with HYDRA. The sergeant had become somewhat of a brother to you in your time away together. “What are you doing here?”

“Sam messaged me.” You replied, Barnes’ arms immediately releasing you as he whipped around to face Sam.

“You tattled on me to (Y/N)?” He scoffed. If looks could kill, Sam would have dropped dead from the darkness in Bucky’s orbs.

“Wait, if he’s okay then what am I here for?” You said, shifting your gaze to Sam as you raised a brow.

“You’re here to make sure that he stays in line.” Sam snapped, crossing his arms over his chest as Bucky let out an exasperated ‘Jesus Christ’ under his breath.

“Bucky’s fine, Sam.” You replied, rubbing your face with your hand in annoyance as you glanced at the super-soldier.

“He’s not talking about James.” A new voice sounded from behind you, one both vaguely familiar but also strange. Whipping around, you were met with a face you’d only ever seen through a screen. Zemo.

“What the fuck is he doing out of prison?!” You exclaimed, looking between Sam and Bucky in utter disbelief.

“Bucky broke him out of jail!” Sam exclaimed, pointing a finger towards the super-soldier.

“Sam’s the one who pulled me into this mess!” Bucky pointed back.

“You two morons have reached a whole new level of dumbassery!” You exclaimed, keeping a cautious gaze on Zemo in the corner of your eye. “You broke out the man who ripped apart the Avengers out of jail and you let him do it?! The same man who killed King T’Chaka! Do neither of you remember what T’Challa and the people of Wakanda just did for us after we became enemies of the state?! I cannot believe that you would betray their trust and help this monster to escape!”

You paused for a moment, breathing heavily as you looked at the ashamed faces of Bucky and Sam in front of you.

“I’m sorry to-” You heard Zemo begin, you turned to face him with utter rage shining in your eyes. “No! The grown-ups are talking, you can wait your turn.” You scolded him, almost as you would a child but just a tad harsher. Grown-ups may have also not have been the best choice of words to describe Wilson and Barnes.

“I don’t want any part of this suicide mission!” You snapped at the duo, moving to leave.

Thirty minutes later, however, you were still on the jet, glaring into a pair of brown eyes as the four of you flew through the air. Honestly, you couldn’t believe you were still there, but Sam and Bucky knew you too well and pushed just the right buttons to convince you to stay. Sam needed you to tap into Zemo’s mind if need be to figure out if he was planning on betraying them, and you didn’t want two of the last people you trust getting themselves killed if you could prevent it.

Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum were sitting across from each other, meaning that you got stuck sitting across from the Baron in silence. He shifted uncomfortably under your gaze, the darkness in your (Y/E/C) orbs not sitting well with the man.

“So, you read minds.” He began, rubbing his hands together anxiously. You noted the nervous tick and couldn’t help but feel amused at his discomfort, but your expression never faltered.

“You don’t need to make small talk.” You bit, your icy tone growing colder in every syllable.

“I’m genuinely curious, is all.” He began, pausing his fiddling to brush his hair back only to resume it once more. “It just seems like for someone with your abilities, you’re often an overlooked member of the team. You’re the most powerful, even more so than Maximoff or Banner, perhaps, yet you were never truly an Avenger, were you?”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m retired.” You muttered, ending your glaring to gaze out the window. The way Zemo spoke about you was unsettling, especially considering how he felt about the Avengers. He seemed not to think that you were part of the team, similarly to Bucky, and that brought you a feeling of unease.

“And why is that?” Zemo pushed, your avoidance evidence that he’d struck a chord.

“Why do you care?” You scoffed, looking back at the Sokovian man, both annoyance and exhaustion present in your tone.

“Because I think you’re like me.” He answered, his tone becoming quieter. Zemo didn’t look at you with the same rage you’d seen in footage from 2016, nor with the amusement that he gazed at Bucky and Sam with. No, it was something different, softer and analytical, perhaps. You wanted to peer into his mind for something, anything to figure out what he was thinking, but he would likely feel your prodding into his consciousness. As of now, he didn’t seem to have any plans to betray you guys, and you wouldn’t be the one to give him a reason.

“That’s enough from you.” Bucky interrupted, rising from his seat to switch places with you, his brotherly possessiveness clear as day.

The rest of the flight was uneventful, and Zemo provided the three of you with costumes for the roles you were to play in Madripoor. Yours seemed to have been designed specifically to be horribly uncomfortable, both in feel and the amount of skin that was exposed in the cool evening air. The three of you were making your way towards the glowing city shining in the distance, the nerves in your stomach rising with each step.

“Only an American would assume a fashion-forward Black man looks like a pimp.” Zemo explained in response to Sam’s protests over his own outfit. “You look exactly like the man you’re supposed to be playing. The sophisticated, charming African rake named Conrad Mack, aka the Smiling Tiger.”

“He even has a bad nickname.” Sam said, looking at the picture of Conrad on the phone Zemo had just handed him. “Hell, he does look like me though.”

“And who am I supposed to be playing, exactly?” You questioned, still unsure as to what role you would be playing in this scheme.

“My partner,” Zemo said simply, an amused smile working his way onto his lips.

“What?! No! Nu-uh, I’m not doing that!” You protested, Sam chuckling at your denial of what was probably inevitable.

“Would you rather the alternative of all of us getting slaughtered the second we step foot into the city?” Zemo retorted, still humored by your resistance.

“Fine, but if you try anything I’m going to break your nose.” You gave in.

"I wouldn't expect anything less."

Soon, the four of you were making your way into a bar, Helmut’s arm wrapped tightly around your waist since the second you exited the car in a mock possessiveness. It was all part of the charade, you had to remind yourself, as the Baron kept your side pressed against his snugly.

Making your way up to the counter, the bartender didn’t look impressed to see the group of you there as he made his way over to you.

“Hello,” He began. “Wasn’t expecting you, Smiling Tiger.”

“His plans changed. We have a business to do, with Selby.” Zemo interjected before Sam could respond.

“The usual?” The bartender ignored Zemo and turned his attention back to Sam, who simply gave a curt nod in response. The bartender turned, grabbing a snake from a jar and slicing it down the underside with a blade. A part of you wanted to cackle, especially seeing Sam stiffen beside you, and you didn’t doubt that Bucky was having to restrain himself as well. Zemo didn’t seem surprised as the bartender pulled who knows what out from the snake and placed it into a glass.

“Smiling Tiger, your favorite.” The Baron commented, the bartender sliding Sam his beverage only to pour two glasses of a different liquor for Zemo and yourself.

“I love these,” Sam said, raising to clink glasses with yourself and the Sokovian man whose arm was still draped around you.

“Cheers, Conrad,” Zemo replied, smiling back at poor Sam. The three of you downed your burning liquor, Sam struggling the most out of the three of you, clearly appalled by the organ at the bottom of his shot. You could see Bucky give a little nod in the corner of your eye, knowing he must be finding this as amusing as you were.

A man soon approached Helmut from behind, tapping him on the shoulder before he turned to face the stranger, shifting you with him. When Zemo felt the little nudge, he immediately pulled you closer to him. You were even tighter against him now, so much so that you had to wrap an arm around him as well to stabilize yourself. It was almost as if he was trying to shield you from the man despite him knowing full well that you can hold your own.

“I got word from on high; you ain’t welcome here.” He spat, getting too close to the two of you for either of your likings. But Zemo kept his air of indifference while you instinctually moved closer into his side. It’s all an act, remember? You have to play the part of the clingy partner who would get frightened at such a rough man threatening you two. Or at least, that’s what you told yourself.

“I have no business with the Power Broker, but if he insists, he can either come and talk to me…” Zemo began, trailing off as he gestured to Bucky.

“New haircut?” The strange man asked Bucky, who merely glowered in response.

“Or bring Selby for a chat.” Zemo finished, this time him being the one to get into the man’s face. Thankfully that was enough to send him away, most likely to Selby or this Power Broker who seems to be Madripoor’s own version of Big Brother.

You could feel Zemo let out a breath that you don’t think he even knew he was holding, giving a quick glance down at you before placing a peck on your temple. For the facade, of course. But what wasn’t fake were the butterflies rise in your stomach, something that you hadn’t felt in a long time. Were you… Flustered?

No, you reminded yourself internally. This was a very bad man holding you close, the same one who killed the former King of Wakanda and ripped your team to shreds. Not only that, but he hated all the Avengers, so why did he seem to like you? It doesn’t matter whether or not he likes you, he’s Zemo. But the more time you spent with him, the more intoxicated you became. He was starting to look more and more like your next mistake, and love is certainly not a game you wanted to be playing with him. Right?

The next thirty or so minutes were a blur. Bucky having to fake being the Winter Soldier to kick a bunch of men’s asses to finally meeting up with Selby, only for Sam to break your cover through a phone call and Selby quickly being shot. The four of you promptly exited the bar, attempting to remain inconspicuous until bounty hunters from all around started shooting at you. Bucky and Sam jumped forward, meanwhile, Zemo darted to the right, dragging you with him as he moved his hand from your waist to interlock your fingers.

You cut through alleyway after alleyway, hiding in the shadows as gunfire echoed around you. Eventually, you managed to catch up with Bucky and Sam, approaching the pair with your hand still in his.

“Well this is too perfect.” A female voice interrupted your mini-reunion, Sharon Carter emerging from the shadows as she ripped down her hood, gun fixated on Zemo.

“Drop it Zemo,” She started, Zemo raising his gun-holding hand before lowering the weapon to the ground. “You cost me everything.”

“Sharon, wait.” You reasoned, raising your hand as you slowly backed up.

“What, are you his lover now? His sugar baby or some shit?” She badgered you, causing your eyes to widen as you only just remembered that you were still holding his hand. You quickly dropped it, raising it to match your other arm as Zemo sent you a look that you couldn’t decipher. Oh, how desperately you wanted to look into his mind, but the little bit of sanity left in you told you to leave it be.

“Someone recreated the super-soldier serum and Zemo had a lead,” Sam explained.

“That explains why you guys are here. And Selby’s dead.” Sharon replied, gun still pointed at your group.

“So what are you doing here?” Bucky questioned the blonde.

“I stole Steve’s shield, remember? I also took the wings for your ass so that you could save his ass from his ass and became a criminal with their ass.” She explained, pointing the gun at each mention of whoever's ass it was that turn. “Unlike you, I didn’t have the Avengers to back me up, so, I’m off the grid in Madripoor.”

“Hey, don’t blow that smoke. I was on the run, too.” Sam rebutted Sharon’s complaints.

“Was. Is. Big difference. I don’t speak to my family anymore - I can’t. My own father doesn’t know where I am.”

“Listen…” You began. “Sharon, we need your help, the former agent only laughing in response. “Please.”

“This isn’t over.” She conceded, shaking her head at you. “I have a place in High Town, you should be safe there for a while.”

Sharon’s place was definitely nicer than yours is now, and you’re not even on the run anymore. She, thankfully, had a change of clothes for you to slip into, the soft material much a welcome relief from the tortuous item Zemo had you wearing.

While you were waiting for Sharon’s guests to begin arriving for whatever event would soon be taking place downstairs, everybody slowly filtered out of the room until it was only Zemo and yourself remaining.

“Can I ask you a question?” You spoke up, breaking the silence from your spot on the sofa as you glanced towards the Baron seated across the room.

“Ask away.” He smiled, taking a sip from the amber liquid in his glass.

“What did you mean earlier, when you said we were the same.” Your voice was quiet now, so much so that you weren’t sure if he’d even heard you. That is until he got up from his seat and slowly walked towards you.

“I never wanted to tear the Avengers apart, not until they killed my family. Destroyed my city… Sure, I didn’t like them, but I didn’t want to destroy them. It was all about vengeance.” He began, sitting beside you on the yellow fabric. “For you, it was HYDRA who ruined your life. You joined the Avengers because it was where the last people you had left were going and it was the easiest way for you to ensure the organization was destroyed. You never wanted the idolization that came with being a hero, and it was clear when your work was done that you had no desire to keep going. Everything that came after the Sokovia Accords was out of survival.”

“I’m not saying you're right,” you began, “but what would that make me, then? Insane? Cause that seems to be the running theory.”

“You’re not crazy, despite how rumors fly. Neither am I, really.” He began, eliciting a small smile from you at the last bit he added. “You’re a fighter, someone doing whatever it takes to get their agenda done. Whether that means breaking the law or joining the Avengers, nothing will stop you once you put your mind to it - it’s one of the things I admire about you.���

You pursed your lips as you focused on the amber fluid floating in its crystalline home, him taking another sip of the burning liquid. Your gaze shifted back to his face, and oh god, look at that face. Maybe it was the liquor in your system already or maybe your last bit of sanity was finally escaping your mind, but suddenly his past didn’t seem to matter anymore. You had plenty of red on your ledger as well, and the more he spoke the more you began to sympathize with him.

“So you admire me?” You smirked, crossing your arms as you tilted your head slightly to the right playfully.

“Why don’t you look into my mind and tell me?” He replied. Reaching out, you gently placed your fingers against his temple as you gazed into his consciousness. Flashes of magic and madness, ideas of a love that could be forever or go down in flames. You didn’t go searching deeper, because your own mind was racing. Would pursuing this be worth all the pain that could very well follow? No, not could, would. You’d be betraying your former teammates, but what did that matter much anymore.

Rather than pulling your hand away, you placed your lips gently on his, tentatively, even. He tasted of expensive liquor and a hint of peppermint, and you found yourself intoxicated. The kiss ended far too soon for your liking, him pulling away so his brown orbs could gaze into your own.

“So… What do you say?” He asked, cupping your cheek in his hand, you place your own over top of his.

“Why not?” You smiled back, reconnecting your lips to his.

“I can make the bad guys good for a weekend.”

Taglist:

@fanfictionedagain @lam-ila @b0nnyzz @haydieenzzibug @cyanide-mustard @duchess-of-new-shire @the-chocoholic-writer @milenadixon @real-fbi @golddenlioness

[justcallmenikki7]

BTS Reaction To: Them Breaking You Out of Jail

Mafia!Au & Maknae Line

Summary: the boys are not happy when they find out that you, their girlfriend, was arrested and put into jail.

Warnings: mafia related stuff: guns, killing, mature themes (torture), split!jungkook that is basically a given with his insane personality, okay jungkook is insane in this mainly because of his love for you, ACAB is mentioned in this on all of the parts mainly in tae’s part but the term ‘acab’ is not said directly, a heated kissing scene in kook’s part, THE RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE BOYS IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!!!.

W.C.:

Notes: I went overboard with jungook’s part that I feel like I kind of do all of the time with his part in these kinds of reactions. But, I hope you enjoooooyyyy!!

Hyung Line’s Part

Park Jimin:

You were sat twiddling your thumbs on the cold concrete floor of the jail cell that you were for unnecessary and unfair reason. Being the mafia leaders girlfriend who is hated by the law enforcement is not really the best thing in the world. The cops who hate Park Jimin are the ones who know that they are crooked and unfair, so they very stupidly try to make his life a living hell. Sometimes, you wonder if they know what exactly your can and will do to them, especially if they mess with you.

They thought it would be okay for them to make a scene at your work by arresting you for being a suspect for a shooting that had nothing to do with you or even your boyfriends gang. Shrugging your shoulders, you let out a heavy sigh, now deciding to retie both of your already tied shoes from boredom. What you did not know is that on the other side of the jail, your boyfriend has stormed into the jail, shooting the cops that were in his way, Jungkook behind him as an extra eye. Walking up to the front desk lady who was secretly a spy for his gang, he gave a smile as she threw him a key that was specifically for your cell.

“Thanks, Jisoo,” Jimin thanked before making his way to you, sighing at the armed men that were at a stand off with his gang. “Why can’t things ever be easy for once?” He groaned before signaling Jungkook was a nod of his head.

You did not hear any commotion or even footsteps that were making their way towards you. A familiar chuckle was what got your attention, looking up so quickly which cause you to get dizzy for a split second. “Jiminie!” You squealed excitedly, running towards the bars, grabbing onto them.

Pouting, “Did you not think that I was going to come for you? My heart,” he pressed his right hand to his heart in a dramatic manner.

Rolling your eyes, you smiled, “well, you took an hour too long to come and get me,” you teased which earned you an adorable laugh from your boyfriend.

“Well, my bad, princess. Namjoon was taking a shit as I got the call from Jackson that you had been arrested, and so Namjoon delayed us.” Your boyfriend spoke honestly, unlocking the cell door to let you out.

You tackled him into a deep kiss, heart fluttering like it always does when he wraps his arms around your waist to bring you in closer to him. “I know that you’ll always come for me, my knight in shining armor,” you said once you pulled away from the kiss.

“NOONA AND HYUNG SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S,” You jumped from the loud yelling of the two youngest. “On a serious note, Noona Jisoo said that the SWAT is on their way and will be here in like, I don’t know, .5 seconds,” Jungkook noted casually. A loud crashing noise was heard with a few cusses from Jimin’s hyung’s. “Looks like they are now here,” he said calmly, “I suggest we should get going, don’t you think?”

Kim Taehyung:

Kim Taehyung has always been a person who does not tolerate bullshit and people who have the train of thought of abusing their power just because they believe that they can. He knows that the law enforcement hates him because he basically does their job for them by getting rid of pests and keeps the streets clean. The hate that they have for him is from jealousy and pride. He knows that a few law enforcement people are actually grateful for him because of how Taehyung and his gang can actually figure out some cold cases and criminals that the law enforcement are trying to catch. Some cops and FBI members actually turn to Taehyung and his gang, mainly Min Yoongi the IT of the gang, for help when they cannot figure out a case even though their bosses are against it.

Anyways, the call that Taehyung had gotten from one of the officers that turns to Taehyung informing him that you had been arrested for going ‘over the speed limit’ with a suspension of you carrying marijuana on you really did not make his day. The officer, Yu Jong, gave details of which cell and area of the jail you were at that really went against his protocol, which Taehyung thanked him for, informing him that Jong and the other three officers who are for Taehyung that they needed get out of there as soon as possible because it will turn into a slaughter house. Dressing in his designer ripped jeans, a black shirt and his Gucci jacket, he grabbed his pistol and got the gang together, making their way to the jail.

You are having a glaring contest with the officer who arrested you, the distaste that you both have for one another is strong. “You’re honestly a piece of shit, you know that?” You commented calmly, knowing that your boyfriend could be showing up any minute now, so you are going to make the best of it.

“Don’t test me, bitch. I could make your life—”

“Make her life what?” Your boyfriend’s baritone voice boomed in the hallway, comforting you but mainly scaring the officer.

Smirking, you stood up cuffed hands resting against your lower stomach as you walked towards the bars, a calm look on your face. “Go on, don’t be shy now, say what you were going to say,” you said calmly, too calm for the officer.

Not saying anything due to being frozen in shock at the thought that Kim Taehyung is standing right behind him with his pistol aimed at his head with the safety off. Sighing, Taehyung rolled his eyes out of boredom, “You guys are literally all talk but cannot for the life of you actually say anything to my face, it’s pathetic really. Now, hand me the keys so I can take my innocent girlfriend home.”

Doing as he was told, you were out of the cell and in your boyfriend’s arms in no time. You knew that this was the cop who has been tormenting both you and Taehyung for years now, and you knew that Taehyung has had enough of it. So, wanting to spice things up, you whispered into your boyfriend’s ear, “He also called me a bitch, Tae.”

Smirking darkly at you, “oh did he now? What a shame,” Taehyung looked at the officer who was looking back at him with fear in his eyes, “what a real shame.”

Jeon Jungkook:

You love your boyfriend with all of your heart – you really do – but sometimes you get nervous with how … sadistic he can get with his job. You know that he loves the thrill he gets when he sees the fear in his victim’s eyes, you can tell that he gets off from it sometimes. Knowing him since you both were in diapers and been together exclusively since the age of fifteen, you are confident with confirming that you know your boyfriend like the back of your hand, and as he did you. But having been in the job since the age of seventeen, taking  over his dads position when he was murdered, Jungkook, you can now say that you do not know his business side like his gang. Namjoon once said that Jungkook turns into a completely different person, someone more sinister – and you do not want to know that side; not because of the fear of him hurting (something you know that would never happen) but because of wanting to stay out of whatever business he is in.

Jungkook has made it a mission of making sure that you would never get tied into his business, and made a promise to yourself that you somehow you did, he would make sure that whoever found out about you and dragged you in would never see the light of day ever again. So, receiving a phone call from Seokjin, telling him that the cops in Busan had arrested you as a pay back for ‘scaring them into submission’ and wanting to show that they will not back down, Jungkook automatically saw red. He knew that this would happen once the Sheriff, Kim Jung, stepped down, a good friend of his dads, actually. But Jungkook dreaded the thought of the son of the Jung, Kim Mark, would screw everything up, always having something against Jungkook since the two were kids without any reason. Jungkook had told Mr. Jung that even though they were almost like family, Jungkook will do whatever he would to a person that he ran into on the street – in short, killing them – and Jung sadly accepted that possible fate of his son.

And as you sat in jail cell that was being watched over by Mark himself, both of you hearing the gun shots and screaming of the officers in the room above. There was a feeling of relief of safety that you felt, but there was also a feeling of nervousness, almost fear, that you felt that came of the knowledge of seeing your Jungkookie in action – the side that you will meet. You came to accept that this may change your relationship dynamic, something that both you and Jungkook will have a very long talk and acceptance of whatever that means. To make things clear, you will never leave Jungkook over this, but you know that this is the beginning of being involved in his second life style – the lifestyle that Jungkook was trying to prevent you from of being involved in.

So, as you heard the deep, sadistic laugh that came from your boyfriend, you braced yourself. You watched his intimidating form walk in, his long black hair in a half up bun while the lower half of his hair touched his shoulders. His signature outfit which consisted of his black ripped skinny jeans, timberlands, and an oversized white shirt and his black leather jacket – you would be a liar if you said that he did not look hot as fuck. But the one thing that you did notice about him was the deranged look in his eyes that looked you straight in the eyes – noting the fear you felt.

“Now look at what you did, Marky, you scared my girlfriend, my Y/N. Now that is another thing that you will have to pay for.” He snarled, moving to the side so that Taehyung and Jimin restricted him, kicking the pointing gun out of his hands. Walking over to the cell door, Jungkook unlocked it, pulling you into him for a heated kiss. You allowed him to dominate you for that small moment, letting out a shaky breath as he pulled away. You knew that right now the man standing in front of you is not your Jungkook, it is someone different. Brushing the hairs that fell in front of your face, Jungkook smiled down at you lovingly, “There’s my beautiful princess. I’m sorry that Marky over there caused this mess, but I’ll make sure to clean it up for you, don’t want my princess to get into anymore messes now,” he chuckled a spine chilling laugh, one that shook you to the core. But what made you even more nervous for Marks life was when you were walking up the stairs to the main floor was the scream that came from Mark and the laughter of your boyfriend that soon followed after.

[nostalgiachan]

Four more entries in my 100 OC Challenge! As always, new versions up top, first drawings of each at bottom, character info below the cut.

#29: Hime Kokoro (SHUT UP)  Idea: Beyond "Sin's Love Interest," I've got no clue anymore. Story: Year Zero

Oh, honey. Honey. I did you so dirty, girl. Not as dirty as Luris, certainly, but dirty. Or at least I think I did, because I cannot for the life of me remember what Hime was supposed to get up to. 

Well, for starters, what we see of her is that she's Sin's closest (and only seen) friend amongst Lord Gerardis' captains. Despite the fact that she gets a POV chapter, the chapter is more focused on their trip out to where Absolution was found than anything really involving establishing her as a character.  Regardless, I remember that she was obviously supposed to be the one legitimately nice person in the whole of the White Tower. 

Also I pretty fucking blatantly based her appearance on Orihime from Bleach. Teen Nost wasn't even trying to hide it, honestly. 

As for her role when our "heroes" get to the White Tower, I honestly can't remember. I don't remember if she was going to attempt to fight them in a sort of "I don't want to fight Sin, but I have to remain loyal" deal. I almost certainly didn't figure out what happens with her and Taris, what with them being identical twins. But like the rest of the heroes, she does survive and probably waits around for Sin to come back from his wandering the Earth in penance because that's what nice girls like her do. 

If I ever get around to The Rejiggering, beyond the obvious "giving her more agency and overall purpose," I definitely would want to put more emphasis on her "morals vs. duty" conundrum. And, you know...change her name.

#30: Absolution Idea: Mysterious genocidal tree man, also hella gay Story: Year Zero

At last, the guy I was most curious about how much his design would change now that I'm not just slapping a brown skin tone on an anime face, but am actually considering semi-realistic facial features. Still a work in progress, but we're getting there. 

Absolution is probably the one character in this whole story I don't see changing too terribly much outside of digging more into the nature of his being, or possibly making him even more eldritch. 

But yes, as stated numerous times through the other characters, Absolution is the mysterious man found in the mysterious glowing tree with the ability to create life from nothing. G finds him, plans to use him as part of a double team with Sin in his world domination plans, but Absolution decides "Nah, fuck that" and kills G when our heroes reach the top of the White Tower. See, for reasons I don't think I fully developed beyond "Wouldn't it be cool (and also kinda hawt)," Absolution was obsessed with Sin, or at least the bioweapon inside of him, and wanted to activate him and wipe out the entirety of the planet, leaving nothing but the two of them. He does a hell of a job at first, too, activating the Great Destroyer with a kiss, but Sin manages to contain the damage to just the Inner City. 

So, you know, RIP rich folk. 

Absolution's pretty upset that his husbando doesn't want to kill absolutely everything, but he figures, "Eh, if I smack you around a bit, you'll come to your senses and we can get to killing." That doesn't go well for him, and Sin kills him after a big dumb anime fight over the ruins of the Inner City.

As for the reworking, I mentioned before it'd probably be a more interesting idea if Sin and Absolution were both part of the same mysterious bioweapon plant race; it'd also certainly go a ways towards better establishing why Absolution's fixated on Sin beyond "I'm just a nihilist, I guess, lol." Beyond that, the damage would absolutely not be contained to just the IC. Everything needs to get fucked. Maybe our heroes survive, but ain't no winners with doomsday weapons around. I also see Sin and Absolution pulling a mutual kill, possibly with a cheeky little "they're regrowing somewhere else, maybe in Lacryma's ruins". Iunno.

#31: Luris Idea: Sexual assassin. That's unfortunately it. Story: Year Zero

At last, we get to probably my most unfortunate character, the culmination of the "Mostly Here to Be a Sexy Villain" trifecta alongside Mulore and Maria. Only this time, she actually has sex. Like, I'm not kidding when I say her whole character is probably the nadir of my teenage internalized misogyny and my adolescent notion of what made mature writing mature. Full disclosure.

Luris is the most trusted captain and bodyguard of G, and rumors abound they may have a little something going on behind the scenes; at least, Sin seems to think so.  Her specialty is sexpionage (and no, I didn't come up with that pormanteau) and assassination, and G so values her work that he even allows her to occasionally target Inner City civilians in order to keep her skills sharp.

Her primary role in the story comes down to one chapter. She manages to not only locate Sin in the Outer City, but to find the very rebel base itself. She presents herself as having defected from the White Tower after hearing about G leaving Sin for dead, and claims that she always loved Sin, but knew that he wouldn't choose her over "that prude Hime," so if she couldn't have his love, she wanted his hate instead. But from the first word, Sin doesn't buy it.  He allows her to start to get intimate with him, but only to get her into a vulnerable position on his bed so he can stab her to death. He makes sure to say some pretty goddamn terrible things about her to the microphone in her earring which he knows is feeding audio back to G.

And that's it. The sum totality of her character is "she's a black widow and then she fuckin' dies." And honestly, as much as I don't like mercy killing a character, in the rejiggered story, the best thing to do would probably be to cut her entirely. But I feel like Teen Nost did her too dirty to just take her out behind the shed, so I should really come up with something more substantial for her to get up to.

#32: Winter Idea: Shy little ice mage who has to fight her friends Story: Love Like Winter (based on the album "decemberunderground" by AFI)

Now here's a story I'd definitely like to revisit, even if it's fairly simplistic.  I totally should've drawn these next few characters before the Year Zero cast, since they predate them, but I didn't actually upload the one drawing I did of them to deviantART, so I forgot to include them until I'd already started the Year Zero kids. But whatever. 

So this is Winter, a teenage ice mage who lives in a hidden city housing the last of humanity. She and her best friends, the fire mage Summer and the shadow mage Silence, were training to become proper mages and join a monastic order dedicated to protecting the city from the demons which threatened them daily.

One day, the three of them learned of forbidden rituals which could unlock incredible magical power within the user, provided they 1) "survived" the process and 2) kept their sanity. Silence, being young and reckless, wondered why the monks wouldn't take them through this process; obviously, if all them went through the ritual, they'd have more than enough power to drive back the demons and reclaim the surface world. Winter was much more against the idea, for the obvious reason of "it tends to kill people," but Summer was on the fence about it. 

That was, until Silence managed to not only figure out what the ritual entailed, but to successfully complete it. Now imbued with powerful dark magic, she took to the surface and started cutting swathes through the demons with monsters of her own creation.

Seeing just how well she was tearing through their mortal enemies, Summer sought her out and asked her to take him through his own ritual. But while the two had managed to overcome hurdle one of the process, they hadn't completed hurdle two: the keeping of the sanity. And it wasn't long before Silence decided that because she was the one who was finally clearing the demons out, she should be in charge of the city instead of those dumbass monks. Summer decided since he owed Silence for this newfound power, he was along for the ride. 

Which left Winter with the unenviable job of having to kill the two of them. The monks now had their hands full with trying to stop both demon incursions and Silence and Summer, so they tasked Winter with tracking down and defeating her former friends, for who is the last person that they'd see coming? 

Well, despite her best efforts, this turns out to be a bad idea. Though Winter managed to break through Silence's ranks with her trainee abilities, between her lack of power and her hesitance to fight her friends, she couldn't stop Summer. Winter barely managed to escape and return to the order, where she came to the conclusion that she was unfortunately going to have to fight fire with fire (or fire with ICE, huh? HUH?!). She was going to have to go through the ritual herself. Initially, the monks were reluctant, but it quickly became apparent it was the only option they had. 

Thus, she finally learned what the process was: the ritual practitioner would be consumed by the element of their choice to the point of death. If they were truly attuned to this element, however, the element would reanimate them, allowing them to freely channel this power through their form. For Winter, this meant drowning herself in a frozen pool of water. Thankfully, the process worked, and she returned to Silence's tower ready to beat some ass.

Though still not completely ready, since there was another hang up: she was completely in love with Summer. Like any good teenage protagonist, she'd originally thought Summer was in love with Silence, but after the death ritual, she wasn't going to play that game anymore. She was going to beat Summer's ass, make him see reason, and confess her feelings. 

And she does all three in spectacular fashion, winning Summer over to her side and convincing him to help her fight Silence, since she was the strongest of the three even before the death ritual. The three have a hellacious battle, but by that time, Silence's sanity was so far gone that after wearing down her body, Winter and Summer had to infiltrate her mind in order to return her to sense. It's magic, you know how it is. 

Whether or not they manage to bring her back, however, has flip-flopped over the years. Initially, they did, and they convinced the monastic order to simply imprison rather than execute her. But later, I started to think that maybe she actively chose to stay locked within her own mind in a catatonic state out of penance, and would only come back when she felt she'd reflected enough on what she'd done. 

But at the very least, Winter and Summer get a relatively happy ending together.

Originally, Winter's superpowered mode was basically just standard aura-floating hair-glowy eyes stuff, but doing the redraw, I thought, "Wouldn't it be cooler if I incorporated the dying part more and made her look frostbitten?" I dunno how well that comes off, but y'know. I tried.

[hezuart]

That anaversary aizen looks absolutely fabulous, he looks like a figure skater xd.

I heard along time ago the last arc of the anime was being animated finally bc they pulled a 90s sailor moon were the last season was not either animated or dubbed untill decades later.

I recall near the end of the current 366 episodes there was an episode were the creapy demon ppl woke up in hell and we're all bitter, and there was the other guy who was like, iM cOmEiNg FoR u IChIgO, but then is never mentioned again after and I'm like,why? Why is lt there just plopted randomly into a different arc that seams unrelated.

And locking aizen up underground seems ok, but It deff won't hold, and he will. Escape, and he will kill, you either need that one spell from star, dubbed, the darkest spell of moon the undaunted, a powerfull dark spell that killed immortal beings, that came from best character, eclipsa, the queen of darkness.

We need that.

Or stick him I'm crystal like eclipsa was in star. Is there no one who could trap him in ice or crystal for all eternity.

How about throw him into the centre of a volcano trapped and caged , forverr being killed by heat?

I assume there's space travel, send I'm into a black whole, were a black whole don't fuckin care if your immortal or fat, you will die

:3

Yes, I love anniversary Aizen. His original octopus-butterfly hollow design was ugly so I'm glad he's back to being the fashion icon he is.

Locking Aizen up underground once is one thing, doing it twice after saying he got more powerful by just sitting there, and he escaped to battle the Quincy Soul King God... is another. I think he should have escaped at the end of the Quincy arc. That is the only feasibility.

I heard the anime is coming back for the Quincy arc as well, but because of COVID its probably going to be delayed. (I'm not gonna watch it until the Rain section of the arc then I'm dipping out. I'm only here for Zangetsu)

and funny that you mention that hell scene in the manga :)

-> spoilers for the new BLEACH 73 page anniversary chapter / thoughts/critique on it

So hey you had a premonition! Syazel .... returned? And his hole is outside of his body??? for some reason???

(I didn't understand the explanation or why / how that happens and what that means for the hollow)

And my friend and I were laughing because out of ALL the things. Kubo could do in this anniversary. He gave Syazel his dick back after going to hell. That is iconic. (that's where his hole was located, and now that its not on his body ... well...) This is the funniest thing Kubo has EVER pulled. Kudos to you, sir.

The entire internet is freaking out over Ukitake being in hell. Honestly Kubo has done far worse, and we've established that Soul Society is a corrupt system that hasn't changed, so I'm not surprised he would pull something like this.

At the same time, Kubo 1. cheated his audience. 2. continues to prove me right that he cannot bring himself to kill his characters

1. Hollows who have commit murder in their human life are sent to hell. Syazel and Aaorniero are two of these hollows, and yet, when they are killed, there is NO gates of hell scene. We see them there later in the hell chapter (which was more of a promotion for the fourth movie and I didn't believe it would hold any merit)

But the same goes for Ukitake. We never see the gates of hell take him. What, was hell late? Did hell's gates get lost like an uber before picking him up? It's bull. Withholding such vital information from your audience, not showing the gates of hell when they should pick up this soul IMMEDIATELY is ... I mean its a lie. Kubo lied to his audience.

2. Now we are told powerful shinigami are sent to hell when they die. First of all that sounds like a security threat. Wouldn't shinigami want revenge for that? Or attempt to escape? Why would they still hold loyalty after being sent to a prison of eternal suffering?

Also "Yhwach and Aizen" were the only ones keeping Hell's gates closed is way too convenient and doesn't really make any sense. I feel like Aizen should have deliberately gone to hell to retrieve powerful shinigami / hollows for his army instead of keeping it /closed/.

This is definitely a Kubo-doesn't-know-what-he's-doing-and-is -making- stuff-up-as-he-goes, but it might have a pinch of merit because of previous plot lines.... but either way, there's some big plot holes here, but again, its Kubo, so I expected nothing less.

Again, he can't kill off his characters. He introduced zombification, he introduced immortality through the hougyoku, he has Orihime and Hachigen's reversal / rejection abilities. He brought back Luppi, friggen.... a character who's entire upper half of his body was incinerated. Like.... come on. No. He's dead, you can't bring him back like that. That's a cop out and just weird. You're taking away consequences and grief.

(Also Yamamoto and Unohana deserve to be in hell far over Ukitake, they've done some fcked up stuff in their pasts unlike him)

Also Kubo's favorite character is Mayuri, which.... you're allowed to have a favorite problematic character. But Keeping said character alive and bared from the consequences of abusing his daughter, murdering innocents, and experimenting on your own squad members? Nah. Nope. Kill him, Kubo. Kill this dude.

(his weird attachment to Mayuri is probably why he keeps bringing Syazel back, since Syazel is Mayuri 2.0, but Syazel is the bad guy who does face consequences for his actions while Mayuri is not)

~

Also, I'm certain Kazui and Orihime are going to be THRILLED that their precious husband/dad is going to hell when he dies :)

(I just... Rukia teased Ichigo about leaving Orihime at home. She teased him about having a house wife who he leaves all the chores to. Orihime had two panels. She checks on her son who promised he would be at home and sleep. Kazui fcking breaks his promise like it never mattered to him and JUMPS out the window after pretending to sleep in front of his mother. ... An 8 year old... alone... in the middle of the night.)

Orihime is abandoned. She is not invited to SS, she is not informed of what is going on, her son leaves her.... I...

Orihime is a side character. She doesn't matter anymore. She hasn't mattered for a long, long time.

A part of me is glad she had little screen time, since she tends to waste it, but another part of me is embroiled with rage.

I've even see people try to defend this. "Orihime and Ichigo can't be together ALL the time, that's an unhealthy relationship!" and I'm like guys... that's not the point. The point is Orihime is not part of Ichigo's other life. Any shinigami stuff from now on is none of her business. She's going to stay at home while Kazui and Ichigo go off and save the world. Ichigo is going to be fighting by Rukia and Renji while Orihime watches from the sidelines, or worse, doesn't even know what is going on with her husband and son. Orihime is going to be uninformed and abandoned, because she has not proven she is capable of fighting by their sides(go on, @ me. I will fight this. She's a failure.), and also because she prefers a human life over a dead one. Which is ironic, because she married a dead man. Ichigo is a shinigami, and he will be one forever. god forbid she ever meets his Zanpaktou. She would tremble in fear at the monsters her husband harbors in his soul, especially when she realizes they don't care about her and would rather see her dead. (Zangetsu would absolutely kill Orihime. Not sure about Kazui, but Orihime has not accepted Zangetsu, she does not like either of them, and the feeling is assuredly mutual.) frick now I want to make a comic about this

Also still frustrated over Zangetsu's shikai / bankai regression. Kubo once again lied to his audience. Ichigo has no bankai. How ridiculous is that? The main character of BLEACH doesn't have a bankai. Insulting.

(RIP to Chad. He doesn't exist anymore. He's just gone. No mention, no cameo. Gone.)

Kazui is a demon child. That character from the novels? Hikone? They're the same character. Literally same personality, same power level. Its worse because Kazui is a liar. He constantly goes behind his parents' backs. He can summon creepy fish and creepy eyeballs and open portals like is ANYONE aware of this? How has SS not kidnapped Ichigo's son and experimented on him / locked away his powers yet? All substitute shinigami require a reiatsu controlling / spy badge to keep them in line. Where is Kazui's? Or is he just a weird fullbringer?

I was worried Kubo was gonna try and pull a knock off Boruto but luckily he kept the focus on Ichigo and the others. But that being said, Ichika and Kazui are now just... sort of there? Kazui was kinda just.... having his own adventure that doesn't matter to the plot at hand, and Ichika had some nice characterization at first but she just hid behind her dad the whole time.

I have a feeling Kazui is gonna step in at the last minute or do some major behind the scenes thing that indirectly interferes with the main plot so no one will realize how powerful and dangerous he actually is. Its sad because Ichika is the superior character in personality and likability, but she clearly is not going to have a bigger part in this.

Ichigo having a normal life after everything still feels extremely boring and uncomfortable to me. Everyone's like 'I'm still bLEACH!" but.... BLEACH just... doesn't feel like BLEACH anymore. It hasn't for a while now.

~~~

There's two new shinigami characters. Didn't care for the girl, but the Sign Language kid who talks to animals is adorable ... however... he just reminds me of Chad, and I just... it hurts knowing Chad has essentially been deleted. Chad and Orihime are officially benched. They have chosen the human world, and Orihime has given Ichigo his spawn so she has no more use/purpose to him anymore... ////sigh

~~~

Also. This is claimed to be a new "arc". So is the BLEACH manga coming back? What is happening. I thought Kubo was tired and didn't want to do BLEACH anymore. I thought Shounen Jump cut him off. People made so many excuses for Kubo and why the past two arcs have been so badly written the past 6 years and now almost everything they've attempted to defend him with has been revoked.

BLEACH is going to continue to screw up its plot lines and characters, so Its probably best for it to stay dead but I've seen a lot of Kubo stans drooling over this content, they're desperate for BLEACH's return, but its already given out all its possible revelations. There's really nothing else to top here. It's just going to make things up as it goes along ,and I'm not really here for half-assed writing like that, especially since the damage of rushing the previous manga has already been done. Kubo and Shounen Jump are riding off a money nostalgia. None of this was planned.

Honestly though.... overall feeling of this chapter, not as bad as it could have been.

Syazel stole the spotlight, and he's my friend's favorite character, so that's all that really matters.

[legendaryoikawa]

eros 1: love is a bitch / oikawa tooru / eros masterlist 

pairing: oikawa x female reader

word count: 2,665k

synopsis: lingerie shopping is the activity you’ve thought to kill time while your boyfriend was away for his games. little did you know while you were trying on the piece from victoria’s secret, came in oikawa tooru, fresh with his dick turned on upon the sight of your fat ass.

genre: boyfriend!oikawa, smut, pwp (mirror sex, penetration, strip tease, dirty banters, profanities, nsfw themes)

minors dni

taglist: @boosyboo9206 @dokisaki (can’t tag) @godjo @flavostella02 @heykoutaro (can’t tag) @aleacarnin @licitix @katsukis-sad-angel @k-sakura @dokisuki (can’t tag) @black-water-78 @throughtheinterstices @iloverarepares @newfriendjen @aizawaslovebot @ratatouille407 @midnightartist​ @ya-kkun​ @daicrie​ @mochipk​ @kanesshiiweeb​ @134340-cm​ @svgafresh​ @annexerca​ @neavil​ @paigypol (can’t tag) @aggressivelyshoutsokay​ thank you for the love and support!

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You let out a sigh. Exactly twenty five days and fourteen hours pass by and you’re still alone in your apartment complex. You receive nothing; no calls or texts from him. No trace of your boyfriend, Oikawa. Today is his supposed arrival from his training camp but there you are, alone.

The vibrant pink paper bag sits on top of the kitchen island. A lacy lingerie that you manage to haul for half its original price. You know Oikawa will definitely love seeing you in those fits. However you couldn’t help but to feel upset, given the fact that the day is close to conclusion yet, he is still nowhere to be found. What good does it even do to try out the recent lingerie you just bought when Oikawa isn’t even home? It’s like dolling up in front of a ghost. The reaction you expect won’t be thrown out against you. And it upsets you to the core.

But the mere fact you have already gone out of the trouble. To the extent of making an impulsive purchase of buying lingerie got you changing your mind on the spot. To hell be damned, you’ll be trying out the garment, without him or not.

Huffing, you approached the island to grab on the bag. Fishing out the black piece-- it is really beautiful engraved with little gems on the straps and lace on the cups. You didn’t bother going to the bathroom to change. Carefully, you removed your top then your pants. Sliding the lingerie up onto your body isn’t much of a trouble though, but your attention is entirely focused on the straps that you barely notice the movement of the door knob.

The soft footsteps padding through the hall alerts you as you finish tucking in the last strap from behind. There is a pause and it hits every single nerve in your body. You let out a slow exhale, fumbling with the ends of your hair as you feel the looming presence slowly approaching you from behind.

You hear his breath slowly fanning the delicate skin of your neck. You try to close your eyes, trying to act composed as if his presence isn’t something that dominates or overwhelms you. But he is what he is. Even the slow, soft breaths from him never fail to elicit a reaction from you. “This is really something I wasn’t expecting, at all,” he begins slowly. Your breath hitches as you try to think of a possible counterattack to throw against him, making you wait for days. But your body seems to have betrayed you the moment Oikawa set foot in your shared complex. Barely making anything, but you were already growing too flustered.

There is a long pause. You are trying to contain yourself, desperately searching for words. Soft breaths filling in the silence on the dim and quiet hall.

“Who said this was for you?” You begin slowly. Enunciating your words with emphasis while you slowly spin your heel to face him completely. The sight of him never fails to leave you breathless. You let out a quiet yelp when he took one daring step towards you. The soft surface of the granite counter sends a cooling sensation to your spine. You close your eyes, feeling the hot fanning of his minty breath against your face as he drags his words out, “And what if I do something to gain you?”

You are pretty sure it is an innuendo and you didn’t grapple to change the mood between the two of you. You raise a challenging brow, tilting your head backwards as if pushing his buttons further, “And what are you going to do?”

A playful smile tugs his lips. His tone changes into something richer, deeper and dangerous shades of velvet. You try to calm yourself, trying to steady your breathing. Oikawa is someone as bubbly, bright as the morning sun packed with his usual pride. But this time, his tone got your belly swirling with a heavy sensation of pleasure. Your heart makes a beeline to your throat as you wait for his next moves. He inquires slowly, “Mind if I make it up to you?” He calmly states while exuding up smug superiority. As he always should.

You let out an exasperated breath. Playing hard to get when Oikawa is looking too hot and offensive is something too hard for you to contain. Too hard to resist. Too hard to hold in much further.

“As long... as it’s worth the days of your absence, then it’s... fine,” you finally say.

He smirks. Lifting his hand to cup your face, he lets out a slow breath followed by a desperate call of your name. Chuckling, he begins, “You’ll never know how I kept on waiting for the training to end…” he tilts his head, examining your half naked figure. “And to see you in this fucking clothes makes me want to fuck you… right here, right now. Did you really dress up like this to impress your king, huh?” Your cheeks immediately burn upon hearing his words. The way he dominates you. You want him now too, so bad.

You decide to play along with him. Swallowing and engulfing— the sexual tension around is insurmountable. You know he’s doing this to tease you. And you don’t want to give him what he wants, that easily. “What if I said I did? Are you happy with this?” You run up a hand starting to your hip upward to your breasts, cupping them gingerly. Oikawa’s eyes follow every moment of your hand, his gaze pinned down onto your breasts. What a fucking tease, he thought especially when you leaned down to give him a full sight of what is beneath the flimsy garment.

He smirks at your boldness, “I do. I love the design, too bad they’ll be ripped out open as soon as I’ll lay my hands on them.” He sucks a sharp intake of breath. He’s growing impatient yet there is no sign of submission from you yet.

“Who says I’m allowing you to lay hands on these? On me?” You laugh breathlessly. Amusement lacing onto your tone. However, Oikawa isn’t having it. Not to mention his growing bulge.

He scoffs, already fed up. Annoyed at the playful banters thrown between you. He couldn’t hold another round of him playing coy, especially not in this current situation where you’re almost wearing nothing at all.

“Cat got your tongu—?”

He snaps. “How are you holding in? Are your little panties already wet over me?” He speaks confidently, looking down at your figure. “Come on now, give in to me like the little good girl you are.”

The last statement of his took you off-guard. You try to stand up straight however it looks like you are just feigning confidence especially that you cannot maintain eye contact with him. You manage to blurt out, despite the failed attempt at concealing your flustered state. Oikawa watches you, with a condescending smirk on his lips, hands resting on his nape. “Do you really think you deserve any of this? I think not,” you manage to spit out.

You see how his expression changed. Nostrils flaring. His expression darkening. You know you’ve pushed his limits now that he is clenching his jaw then suddenly attacking you, catching you by surprise. You feel his hot lips pressed against yours. Deliciously hot, hard, with a notable sky-high passion. Your hands creep up and clinged on his jersey, catching a fistful of his garment for support. He withdraws to breathe and continues to attack you barely even letting you breathe. His kisses were sloppy, all slippery. Oikawa is the drug you cannot afford to remove out of your life, he’s making you intoxicated with only just his mouth. Just his mouth.

You let out a moan when you felt his hands gripping your hips tightly. Then, he turns you suddenly that made your eyes widen. You feel the growing bulge sticking onto your ass as he presses his body onto yours. Burrowing his face onto the crook of your neck. You lean onto him, your head resting onto his shoulders as he attacks your neck from behind. Sucking and nimbling. Low breathes and moans. Hickies are adorning your neck like fresh flowers with hues of violet, blue and red. Fresh. Oikawa breathes through your nape, and slowly smiles onto your neck.

He whispers, “look at the mirror, baby.”

Confused, you lift your head and saw your reflection staring back at you. The same dishevelled, you. Oikawa grins as he slids his hands down your frame. Adoring the way he elicited a reaction from you. With an expert flick of his calloused hands, the lingerie is already removed from you, that fast and easy. The chilly air from the open window sends a tingling sensation against your naked torso.

“Fuck. Look at you,” he grins. “I want to fuck you in front of the mirror so badly but i need you inside me, now.” There’s a hint of urgency in his voice. He pushes you towards the nearby counter and swoops you easily to place you onto the cold granite surface. You instinctively wrap your legs around his hips while he continues to attack you.

You moan into his mouth when you felt his hand running over your thighs. You are growing desperate and needy after his teasing touches. He bits onto your mouth as he shamelessly grinds his crotch onto your clothed pussy. “Love that?” He says between his breathes.

You’re pooling with lust and arousal. With him panting everytime he comes in contact with your heat. And his expression. He leans in further, inhaling your neck, “Damn. You always smell so good.” He breathes loud and grazes his teeth onto your sweet spot. Sucking and marking as he pleases, “I need you off the counter now.”

He pulls you off and turns you around again. He takes a fistful of you hair to whisper directly onto your ear. “I hate begging. But, may I proceed to fuck you with all my fucking might?”

You nod slowly. Pressing yourself onto his crotch, grinding playfully. You can feel his amusement, especially the way you dare to tease him until he was the one to submit to you. You wait for him to move, your hands sweaty against the granite counter. There’s a sound of shuffling— fabric. Oikawa tugs his gym shorts down followed by his black boxers. He takes his cock into his hand, giving it a subtle jerk while his other hand snaking up to pull you undies down your thighs. The sight of you makes him groan, the flesh almost welcoming, he strokes himself again, this time faster.

“I’m on pill,” you begin. Assuring him. You move slowly in your spot, rasping while your wetness drips down your thigs in anticipation. “What’s taking you so long? You’re not serving or anything.”

He sniggers while letting his cock spring free. He pulls the garment down your legs until it tangles into a roll of a lacy garment down down ankles. You kick it away with your right foot and settle on, widening you stance. You feel the rush of excitement coursing through you upon the feeling of his at your entrance. You bit your lip in anticipation.

“My… before you get something you fucking want, what do you need to say first?” He drags out word by word enunciating every syllable slowly down your ear. You close your eyes for a moment, letting out a deep breath. You calmly say, “Please,” while steadying your hands onto the counter’s edge.

He grins in satisfaction. He drawls slowly, praising you, “Very good.” And positions himself by gripping your hips tightly. Judging by the way of his strong hold, it’ll surely leave out marks the next day. Your mind swirls upon the feeling of his sudden entrance in you, breathes being sucked as he draws and takes his time entering your sweet entrance.

After adjusting, he begins by moving his lips in a slow manner. Then taking you by surprise by exerting in sharp, fast thrust. You feel your thighs coming in contact with the cold counter. You let out soft moans and incoherent cusses filling out the silent room. He encircles his finger down your clit making you gasp for air.

He bucks down roughly onto you. His other hand encircling and busy with your clit. While his other hand is cupping your breast. You moan out shamelessly, cussing him out as the waves of pleasure bubbles down your belly. Coursing like a river.

“Fucking hell. You feel so good.”

You cannot hear him properly as the ragged breathing clouded your hearing. He calls out to you while grinding his hips deeply on you. He moves his left hand to caress your stomach while the other one snakes their way to your hips. Slightly moist with your juices. You whimper while your head drops down. Breast juggling after each of his pounces.

His voice is stiff. “I’m going closs.” His breathing is strained every after his words. You shake your head no, panting hard. He clicks his tongue and works his fingers around your clit, again. Rubbing till you jolt at the intensity of his touch. Gooseflesh has risen up the skin along your hot flesh.

He picks up speed. His thrust deep and hard— a loop of never-ending pounce that you wanted to moan out loud in pleasure. You can feel his sharp poke of his hip bone colliding against the flesh of your ass. You bosom moving after his movements. You let out a breathy whine as your orgasm is approaching fast. You grab his left hand that is groping your chest to hold for support. Digging your nails onto his forearms as you felt the tightening knot forming in your belly.

He let out a strain cuss from behind as you cum. The feeling of your walls surrounding him made him feel high in ecstasy. He pulls out instantly when he cums, his hands freeing away from your body to stroke his oozing cock. You exhale, feeling the hot, gooey liquid drip down your legs.

You are panting hard. You feel your lungs swell as you try to recollect your breath. Oikawa moves to grab a clean towel to clean himself up. Amidst his act of cleansing himself over, you feel him tugging your panties back on for you, planting small kisses along the inner flesh of your thighs.

“Are you fine, baby?” You stand up, trying to steady in your shaky legs. Your hands are sweaty, plastered on the counter as you move your head to nod in approval. You work your way to turn and face him. You give him a sweet smile then running your tongue over your lower lip.

He feels his heart tug upon seeing your sight. So serene yet hot at the same time. He gawks at your breasts, your neck full of his marks and he notes how glowing you are even the aftermath of his relentless fucking.

He leans forward to nibble on your lower lip, then proceeds to kiss you fully in the lips. You can feel your legs crumpling at the romantic gesture, you immediately held onto him for support.

He raises a brow, “Does that make up for my absence?”

You let out a shaky laugh. He tilts his head in confusion. Instead of answering him, you bit on your lip while pressing your thighs together. Your gestures alone are more than just answers to his question. He just needs a consent from you may that be verbal or gestures.

You look up at him, “Aren’t you tired?”

“Baby, I’m an athlete. We’re just starting.”

He grins while tugging you upstairs. Fucking you until you pass out of exhaustion. He really did make up for his absence to the point that you couldn’t walk the next day.

note: i apologize for some grammatical error bdhdhd thank you for 300! also sorry for me being so shit at smut, i tried HAHA

[shirophantomvox]

Illumi Analysis | Hisoka Analysis | Killua Analysis

What’s up, everybody! I am back yet again with another Hunter x Hunter post. You all really like my Hisoka and Illumi character analysis and thoughts. I figured why not analyze Chrollo as well? Apparently, Chrollo, Hisoka, and Illumi are considered the Adult Trio on here so that is why I used the tag. I understand that this is a Voltron blog but I changed it into a multi because I have a love for other shows that deserve to be talked about. I post these character analyses because they will help me define and develop characters of my own and I love talking about them. Where are they from? What do they do in their spare time? And so on. Read the entire post for links and references!

Let’s get into the post!

I’ve stated in my "Hunter x Hunter Thoughts #2" post that Chrollo caught my attention immediately in the Yorknew City Arc. It was a combination of his large eyes, his calm, smooth voice, the tattoo on his forehead, and his hairstyle. I’ve noticed that my heart flutters a little when these characters speak (don't make it weird. You know what I mean) because their voices are smooth and calm. I think this tactic often used to get the viewers to “love” the villain regardless of any wrongdoings they do in the show. I noticed numerous things about him that made me wonder why he dresses the way he does, why is he so calm and dark, and why does he lurk in the shadows?

I have to be honest. One thing that often annoys me about several anime/manga(s) is they introduce SEVERAL characters at once, push some characters off to the very end, and do not give proper backstories for villains, especially. I don’t side with villains but a backstory should be a necessity. The only main antagonist that has a proper backstory is Illumi because we know that he was raised by crazy assassins. Hisoka doesn't have a backstory except for a one-shot that isn’t canon and neither does Chrollo.

I’ve only seen 2 flashbacks regarding Chrollo and his past. He was born in Meteor City which was a town full of trash; no houses, plants, or schools. It is implied that he only survived from stealing from others. His current members are people he met in his hometown. Chrollo often states that he is the head of the group and if he dies, he trusts that they’ll make a great decision on who the new leader will be. In the present, Gon asks him how he could kill people he didn’t know. The silence and rhythmic thunder-claps imply that he doesn’t know why.

Is it something he does...impulsively? Throughout this arc, it seems that Chrollo is having somewhat of an identity crisis. He has stated several times about trying to figure out “who he is”. By that, Chrollo must not like to steal and destroy but to him, that is what he needs to do to survive.

This raises the question of: “If he has stolen for all these years, why is he still living in a destroyed church?”

He’s been a bandit for years. I’m sure he’s on the radar somewhere. He can’t walk around with the troupe members in broad daylight because someone will recognize them. Maybe this is why they only travel in the dark. Machi was brave for walking from Heaven’s Arena in the dark.

He can’t buy a house. What name, card info, or co-leaders would sign the lease? He’s a bandit, remember. His face is somewhere waiting to be caught.

He has accepted this state of living. I thought that since he lived in a trash town that he would want to live in a luxurious place if he could, but no. He lives in a destroyed church, in darkness, and only speaks to his members.

When Chrollo stole the girl’s ability to tell the future, he took it for two reasons. A) because he needed it to see what would happen to Uvo in the new world and B) because the girl’s father used her ability for money and didn’t care for her.

The only reason why I feel an ounce of sympathy for him and not Illumi is it seems like Chrollo raised himself. He took it upon himself to steal and whatnot so he could eat. Chrollo came from nothing while Illumi had a mansion, butlers, protection, and anything he wanted. FYI, just because you have a luxurious lifestyle doesn’t mean you’re happy but in this case, Illumi had shelter while Chrollo didn’t.

Face

Chrollo’s face is what I aspire to create for my own OC’s but manage to fail every time. His face matches his body. If it weren’t for his tattoo and his main hairstyle, I wouldn’t have thought he was a threat to anyone. His face is well-rounded and reminds me of a young adult. His skin is pale and often covered in shadows because he is always in a room that is only lit by a candle. His ears are rather large for his head, but they match ok. Although, I wish his tattoo was removed. To me, that ruins his character design. He already has an inverted cross on his coat and is implied by the destroyed church he lives in. The tattoo just reminds me of a cult for some reason and that is why he gave me unsettling feelings at first.

Eyes

Chrollo’s large eyes are another feature that had me aghast. Some people love big eyes, but his grey pupils capture you almost like you're hypnotized to do anything he wants. They’re a pretty shade of grey, though.

Hair

I am going to say this loud and proud: CHROLLO LOOKS MUCH BETTER WITH HIS HAIR DOWN! Yes, to me he looks much respectable, mature, and serious with it down. His hair is jet black and is shiny like Illumi’s. I could only imagine if I had the chance to touch his hair, the dye would come off on my hands. The down look? The best way to go!

Clothes

His clothes are very stylish. The coat he wears would be PERFECT for the winter seasons! If I ever cosplay, I’m wearing that coat while it's snowing. In the first scene, he was seen wearing a black shirt with white lines going in numerous directions. After that, the creators decided to let his rippling chest show for the rest of the arc. Damn, rippling chests have been a popular decision and NO ONE is complaining! His black pants remind me of skinny jeans and even if they are, he’s lucky because I CANNOT wear skinny jeans. Once I wore them, bent over, and ripped them! I said to myself, “WTF? I paid $35 for these!”

Shoes

He wears black boots that reach up to his leg. He isn’t as stylish as Illumi and Hisoka, but that’ll do. His clothing is much simpler for anyone to cosplay.

Voice

As stated above, Chrollo has a soft, calm voice. He is the only villain I’ve seen that maintains composure during tough situations. I don't know if this was planned or not, but the main antagonists have calm soothing voices. When Chrollo went out with the fortune teller, I forgot he only did that for his selfish gain. I thought he generally enjoyed the date.

In conclusion, I wish Chrollo had a backstory like many characters in this manga. I think Hisoka and Chrollo’s backstory would be the most interesting to me. When these twisted characters appear before us, you want to know why they became this way. Having an empty villain isn’t good and is quite annoying.

Thank you for reading this post! If you’d like me to analyze any characters from Voltron or Hunter x Hunter, send me an ask!

[moon-ursidae]

GAME SESSION 1 RECAP

there will be game spoilers here which will most likely spoil the hbo series as well, so i’m just gonna play it safe. i get that the game is 9 years old but some ppl don’t know yknow?🤷🏻‍♀️

also i doubt anyone is gonna read all of this LMAO it’s more for me bc i have a terrible memory and i just felt like doing it :) but if you do read all of it I’M SORRY lmao

hours played: around 6-7ish?

i started crying at the start menu

and i cried during the first cutscene

then i of course cried when the scene with joel and sarah happened

the score is fucking phenomenal. gustavo really fuckin killed it

i got chills when the opening credits were playing. SO. FUCKING. GOOD.

the quarantine zone looks really cool and it makes me anxious to see what the show is gonna look like

i also noticed that Joel has some broad ass shoulders. great casting hbo LMAO

i love that they establish immediately that Joel is very protective. he asks Tess about the cut pretty early on in their conversation, and even helps her clean it up. he obviously cares and is protective of his friends. makes sense given this is the apocalypse, and Joel seems really closed off to others.

for example, when they’re walking through the QZ Tess is the one talking to everyone while Joel is pretty quiet. i love how they’re establishing his character this way :)

i really like the option of doing things stealth! trying to get used to it as i know there are probably going to be a lot of stealth sections. and i also wanna save ammo!

MARLENE!! THAT ONLY MEANS ONE THING!! ELLIE SOON!!!!!!! YUUUHHHHH

also just the thought that joel becomes ellie’s father figure all bc robert sold guns to marlene, and the only way to get them back was smuggle ellie out of the city. now we have 2 games! LMAOO

just the thought of joel grumbling “all because of some fuckin guns” when ellie’s giving him a hard time HAHA

IT’S ELLIE!!!

already seeing that ellie will go to the fucking mat for the people she cares about is SO IMPORTANT TO ME

like she was fully prepared to shove a shiv into Tess

THE DYNAMIC DUO BEGINS I AM KICKING MY FEET AHHHHHH

SHUT THE HELL UP THE MUSIC PLAYING AFTER ELLIE SAYS “your watch is broken” I’M GONNA CRY AGAIN

holy fuck the outdoor stealth in the rain had me clenching the whole time

the wrecked skyscrapers look so fucking cool. also terrifying. but still cool.

FUCKIN CLICKERS AW SHIT

the sound design is also fucking amazing. i’m terrified by these infected sounds dude. and the sound of the building groaning like it’s about to collapse? fuckin awesome

NO CLICKERS ARE SO FUCKING SCARY

i am perpetually stressed trying to get through this fucking city

FINALLY OUT OF THE BUILDING OH MY GOD THE SUNRISE IS SO PRETTY

when joel & ellie are looking at the city and the sun is coming up it literally looks like bella and pedro from behind

SCREAMING

ANYWAY i love seeing all 3 of them start to warm up to each other and their dynamic as a trio. it’s really cute :)

i’m literally checking every single fucking nook and cranny for supplies

i feel bad for joel, tess, and ellie bc they FINALLY made it to the state house and everyone’s dead :( they’re so fucking tired and everything just went to shit after they were like “home stretch! :D” and then they open the door and it became “D:”

TESS NO :(

🎶I CAN SEE WHAT’S HAPPENIN’. OUR TRIO’S DOWN TO TWO🎶

sorry no but this literally fucking sucks. i LOVE tess. the way joel kept calling her boss. he clearly respected her, and felt comfortable with her enough to joke around with her. AND NOW SHE’S FUCKIN BIT. AND WE’RE LEAVING HER BEHIND.

i’m gonna fucking cry hearing gunshots and tess screaming dude. UGH. this game is so emotionally and mentally challenging haha I’M tired bro

i had to pause the game seeing her on the floor from the balcony. i cannot IMAGINE what Joel is going through if i feel like this, and only knew her for like 5-6 hours. rip tess I LOVE YOU.🤍

ellie is probably like “believe me now asshole?” when he had to put a mask on but she didn’t

swimming in the subway had me stressed bro i was like “THERE’S GONNA BE AN INFECTED THAT CAN SWIM” i was wrong. but still waiting for shit to hit the fan again.

FINALLY OUT BABY!! FRESH AIR!!

walking in the woods is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fucking nice after all the bullshit in Boston goddamn

i am very much a country/woods person so this is very much more my speed :)

i also like the banter between joel & ellie already. joel establishing boundaries for the teen to follow. such a dad.

still waiting for shit to hit the fan again. bc joel and ellie cannot catch a fucking break.

i feel like i should stop here bc i am fucking exhausted after all that but I AM FINALLY OUTSIDE

i went a bit farther but stopped before going into the settlement to see if bill’s there!

all in all, GODDAMN. first play session felt pretty long, but that’s bc i choose stealth over shooting my way out 99% of the time. it takes me a while to figure out a game plan and find each enemy’s patterns. it’s been a HOT minute since i’ve had to do it. and i’m an overthinker so there’s that

i already loved joel before playing this from what i saw of the game before now. after playing it? holy fucking shit. i L O V E joel. and i fucking L O V E ellie. playing this makes me so goddamn excited for the hbo series!!

this session isn’t as long as my first rdr2 session (13 hrs🥴) but it’s a pretty good start!

i know i still have a long way to go, so i’m just gonna let my brain recharge before i’m back at it tomorrow!

[darkobssessions]

Coping Tips for Autistic Women

I am compiling a list of resources for aspie women along with tips to manage symptoms and navigate the world. Regretably, most of my personal experience comes from living undiagnosed and unaware about this for the last 27 years. There was a giant elephant in the room with everything, and I have only recently worked it out. This means that most of my habits prior to this point were ones attempting to cope with a giant unknown, the limits of which were unclear. But they more or less worked, because, as I am realising, there’s always been something they are attempting to address.

With other diagnoses and ways I attempted to explain and understand my difficulties, there were finite causes and treatments. I should have been improving if I tried x, y, or z. And I did improve my symptoms in many ways, but there was something missing from the picture. That is that autism is my personality, my state of being, how I process and view the world. And no tool, medication, process or treatment was ever going to change who I really was. Being misdiagnosed (or being missed and failing to receive the autism diagnosis) means that I have been trying to correct something that you cant ‘correct’, and shaming myself for something fundamentally me.

Some of the tips I learned over time, from how I am as a person, without the framework of reference of neurodivergence or autism:

Sensory:

My sensitivity has always been a big waving flag. I felt and saw things others didn’t. I felt more deeply. I sensed the microeffects and changes in everything. I responded harder and faster to any chemical, environmental shift, any positive or negative event, As we all do on the spectrum, we attempt to navigate our sensory environment. And we come up with coping mechanisms, good or bad, before or after we realise we are on the spectrum. For me this was a strong aversion to the things that upset me, that disturbed my senses. It was an orienting of myself in a way to avoid the disturbances, going inwards, withdrawing and even shutting down. I learned that I could not and did not want to handle crowds, loud places, supermarkets. I lived in a giant simulation attempting to minimise and avoid as much as possible the things that hurt. I learned that I was extremely sensitive, no one else seemed to be, and I just had to manage it. Since discovering autism in the last weeks, I am able to embrace the fact that sensory overload is a thing, and I really do feel pain in my body when things are too much and too loud, and just wearing earplugs has mitigated so much of this. I was gas lighting myself before about feeling a certain way because there was no explanation, that I was aware of anyway.

Physical:

I have had so many problems over the years, since I was a young girl. I used to get food poisoning symptoms really easily. I had hidden allergies. I remember a lot of my childhood spent doubled up with stomach pains, or having a fever. My family didn’t know any better and fed me and treated me as they did every other member. I was not the same, I did not feel the same, but I took it all in. By the time I was in my early teen years, I had cemented my aversion to certain foods, taken the only control I had at the time against an encroaching and controlling mother and turned it into anorexia. I avoided things I didn’t like, again, and set up a system of control that made more sense than the gaping wounds and confusion within me. Starvation triggered bulimia. And a viscous cycle of malnourishment and dysregulation unfolded. I didn’t learn until many, many years later that my system was so sensitive and damaged that if I tried to go back to how I used to eat as a child, I would get terrible symptoms. So my coping tips as I have healed from the eating disorders and become more aware is to figure out what the triggers are, what hurts, and to avoid it. This along with adding in nutrient dense foods and working on the deficiencies has done wonders for me. I’ve done tremendous work on my autoimmune conditions, gut problems, sensitivities and inflammation levels and the difference is like night and day. That I can induce psychotic symptoms by deviating or introducing foods I am intolerant to is no joke. The tip I can share is elimination diets truly do work, the keto diet is recommended, and eating the carnivorous way saved my life. My eating disorders for almost 15 years INCLUDING the 7.5 years I was a vegan, mostly high raw and fruitarian depleted my nutrients so badly that every symptom was enhanced 100% and I was eating pretty much ONLY food I was actually intolerant to. Ahem, plants, I’m talking to you. The peace I feel, the nourishment and rest on a nervous system level having eliminated them is unreal.

Social:

I have always known I was different, in a deep, visceral way. How the adults in my life answered questions was inadequate. I saw through people and things. I was far too intense and serious. I learned to watch and observe humans and pick up cues so as to attempt to fit in. I spent the majority of my life masking, something I am only now finding out about and unraveling. I kept notes on the human experience, and saved colours, sounds, feelings, because I felt like I couldn’t communicate the truth of myself otherwise. Over the course of my life there have been inexplicable (until now) events. Lost friendships and relationships, strings of broken promises, people not acting on what they say, confusions and miscommunications, and many dangerous situations and predatory bonds. I made what sense I could of it from whatever lens I could find. It was the trauma, it was my soul contract, it was what I deserved, it was being targeted- all close, but not quite within the realm of being so naive, open and fundamentally different as you are on the spectrum. I just always assumed everybody was like me. I had to learn the very extremely hard way that not everyone felt and thought in the same way, nor had good intentions. I still struggle with the fact that humans don’t tell the truth. It is of no relevance whether they secretly know it. Most people are more comfortable with illusions. I always knew this, but the diagnosis gives me a lot more peace around it. It’s allowing me to accept the fact that if I look around the majority of the people I see are not walking around processing and over-analysing everything, feeling sounds, decoding patterns and obsessed with hacking the code of reality. Less pressure that way, and more in the way of what can be viewed as natural interaction on my part. I will solve the mystery of the universe out loud otherwise, and get the blank looks and the discomfort. I have found my people, a tribe of likeminded individuals, I have gathered friends over the years that didn’t run from my weirdness. But I am mostly content to be on my own, knowing that I can only use what is around me to try to convey how I feel and who I really am. And that will probably be a book, a movie or a work of art, much better than a 2pm rendezvous when I can’t stop talking about the hidden signs.

Emotional:

With the intensity of my emotions I have developed borderline personality disorder as a means to cope with being autistic and not knowing. I have been diagnosed with both that and bipolar because I have intense stints of emotions. They come and go in waves, lasting hours, lasting days and weeks. I consider it to be an energy management system to cope with the demands and stressors of modern day living. Creatives always withdraw and hibernate, and come out with new insights and art to share. The way that I feel and view the world is special. It’s at the basis of my writing, what I choose to engage with and how. My emotions make me who I am. I feel intensely, I share passionately about how I feel. I snap, I break, I shutdown, I come out again and I am a bright, shooting star. There is an excited little animal that lives within me and it is the strongest most passionate thing known to man. I thought that my negative experiences or trauma killed it, but this is before I knew it IS me and cannot die. So I have stopped trying to cram these emotions in or explain them. Stopped trying to attribute them to whatever script people were following when they dealt with me. Throwing me into the depressive, anxious, panic stricken, eating disordered basket case category. The missing piece now makes so much sense. The ways I responded to being autistic were coping mechanisms, such as developing a personality disorder, to deal with the pressure. My psyche splintered under the weight. My tip here is in embracing your inner life and world, embracing that you are different, so that all of the mental and emotional acrobatics needed to attempt to explain the issues or fit in can be put to rest.

Spiritual:

Being different and feeling differently means I naturally saw and expressed things in quite a strange way. I was convinced of a secret world to reality, behind reality, living on behind a paper shell, so to speak, that would rip if only I could reach out and tear it aside. That conviction was rewarded as year after year my awareness grew, my gifts multiplied, and the experiences I had revealed to me the hidden hand of god. There was very much design to the universe, a pattern, weaving through all things. And i was a part of it, not some discarded afterthought or simple byproduct that had no place. In the early years, I kept my convictions to myself, nursed them with experience. I died a thousand deaths in dark nights of the soul, crashing against the turf of my ignorance. I broke open, and everything I had been so sure of as a child was revealed to me again and again. I was convinced I had a purpose, I could feel the deep tides of human emotion and motion, could feel into the genetic sequence that had birthed me. I felt like an alien, but that slowly over time the map of my operation was being revealed to me. This is what it feels like so many years later to stand here and find out about being autistic and realise that how I felt in my soul all these years was real, and that I can begin to truly fulfill this mission now, to share my experience in words I know others will understand because they feel the same way too. It was the challenges that I never understood, while the gifts were the reason to stay alive. My message to myself and others now is that there is a point, a reason to persevere and understand yourself more. The suffering reveals so much of the true state of things, so that we can protect our tender hearts and build new things that honour who we really are, our souls. 

Resources, movies, literature to follow. I just wanted to share something of a summary now of my realisations since coming home to myself.