#the way you can't be the same but you're trapped in a cycle that forces you to fill the space of a ghost. a memory that doesn't exist

[sircarolyn]

thinking about HER

[golvio]

It was a bit of whiplash going from The Damsel to The Beast, particularly since the jumping off point I picked was stabbing her when she was gnawing her arm off (you very pointedly ignore that instead of recoiling in disgust to lock in Damsel or Witch). However...in retrospect, it kind of makes sense that the Damsel, Witch, and Beast routes can branch off of the same place.

All three routes deal with themes of dehumanization. Damsel is dehumanization through idealization, where she remains person-shaped, but loses a lot of what made her "her" in Chapter 1 in favor of being someone who could "make you happy." Witch is dehumanization through contempt or exploitation, where you either consciously betray her or just give up on her as soon as the Narrator pushes back, and she takes on some of the Beast's features but still remains partly human. With the Beast, it's total dehumanization through the reflexive disgust response brought on by seeing her gnaw her own limb off like a trapped animal. You get a glimpse of her as something other than human, and you become fixated on that, totally rejecting her until you mold her into something that's just as inhuman as you think she is. If you double down, she eventually becomes so dehumanized by the feedback loop of your treatment of her that she fully becomes an animal and loses the ability to speak.

That's why I think it's important that the two ways that the Beast seems to end on a more positive note (barring the secret ending you're unlikely to get the first time where you pick the exactly correct set of choices that get you to free her while playing dead) is by either her forcing you to understand her by "making you a part of her" (by eating you, which later causes you to "become her" so much that the two of you reintegrate into The Wild), or by you trying to talk to her once she becomes The Den and gets trapped in the little burrow leading upwards. Instinct alone can keep you alive, and territorial aggression can vanquish a predator, but it can't break the cycle of violence you've trapped yourselves in. Only reason and compassion can do that. You have to get in touch with your own humanity again to help her get in touch with hers.

There's also this theme of "regression"/"neglect" in her cabin. Her Chapter II cabin changes the least compared to the other Princess', but its change is marked by abandonment and decay as the cabin is reclaimed by nature and worn down by the elements. The wooden beams are beginning to fall apart with and termites have crept in to eat the table. It's as if the "default" cabin and the Princess herself are abandoning their humanity. In the Den, the cabin regresses to a crude Flintstones-style hut made of rocks or earth, and the table fully regresses to the stump of the fallen tree its wood was presumably harvested from. The Princess, too, regresses to a more primal form, losing her ability to speak and becoming a creature of pure appetite and predatory aggression.

In Chapter II, Beast gets a "nicer enclosure" in the basement more suited to her new form's needs, but in Chapter III, even though the exterior of the Den's cabin becomes a proper jungle, the room she's in becomes a dark pit completely devoid of light that she can't escape, filled with mold and decay, with her body becoming emaciated now that she's capable of starving, as she's become painfully aware of her own appetites. She becomes like a neglected exotic pet, left to waste away in the corner of a cramped, filthy cage. The tips of her new antlers are covered in blood, as if she's shedding velvet or they erupted suddenly and painfully from her own forehead, suggesting this transformation was a painful one.

It's...unnerving to see her become this. Even if she's more powerful, the only way she has to communicate with us is through her eyes. The only way she can think of to get us to let her out of the cabin is by devouring us. It's not even that she's actually hungry for our flesh, it's just that she wants to leave together, because she knows she can't leave alone. That urge to connect with us is still there, that need to make a bond of trust is still required for her to leave, it's just all warped by how inhuman we've made her.

It's also interesting to see that you can get to The Wild through either the Beast or the Witch. I didn't fully commit to Wild yet, as I'm saving that for a later playthrough where I knock out a lot of Chapter IIIs I didn't get to see during my first two times, but I think it'd make the most sense for me to approach it from the Beast's chapter, both through the themes of consumption/absorption, but also because it'll give me an opportunity to talk to her and gain new insights, given that she's not as talkative while she's trying to hunt you the first time around.

[shortpirateking]

Pirate rambling about Leona Kingscholar (again)

Okay listen - *listen*, I know I'm not the first nor the last to dig deep into Leona's backstory but i have massive brainrot for this glorious bastard and thus I must scream about it.

His character is so misunderstood in the game I swear! So many people in game treat him like he's some simple spoiled prince who's upset he can't have the crown - but many of us know it's far more and just!! It makes me feral seeing how little others in game realize. Sure, he grew up rich, he grew up in a damn palace with everything handed to him - but with that came constant comparisons, constant remarks on how he stood against his brother in every single way. Falena was the golden child, the perfect son while Leona was more of a spare just in case. People loved Falena - no one spared much for Leona. He was basically pushed aside since his birth and it *shows* in his words and actions! He's been beaten down so much that he cannot see anything past that marker that always moves further away. He isn't the older brother. It doesn't matter if he's smarter, it doesn't matter if he is far better at something than anyone else. *It doesn't matter because he isn't Falena*. They kept pushing him down and then expected him to work just fine in the system that hurt him as a child... but even then anything he makes wouldn't be recognized as his, but as Falenas.

And the worst part for him? Falena seems like a legitimate loving brother. He *cares* about Leona in his own way, he sees his strengths and even says so in the Manga! He can't fully hate him for being born first because while he benefitted from being the first born and thus the golden child, he never egged on anyone to hurt Leona. The same goes for Cheka. I don't think he actually hates either (besides the not liking kids part because same Leona), but what they represent. They get to be kings just because they were born, not for any other reason, and it's so *unfair*.

He's been constantly neglected and hurt and he has no one to fully place his anger towards (the servants? They're just the common rabble, not worth his time. His parents? That's the king and queen, your parents who gave you life! Your brother? He genuinely loves you, and can't see the amount of trauma you've suffered because you're not him)

He's never enough, he'll *never* be enough so he just... doesn't bother. Nothing he does will change the fact he is doomed to be the unwanted second son. It isn't like he can run away, change his identity and escape the chains that hold him down. He's trapped in a cycle because he *is* royalty. The kingdom would hunt him down even if he tried. He is a proud lion in golden shackles, where all he has left is what little pride he can have and use.

He's so tired of everything, tired and burnt out.

And gods how this plays out with others! He can be so cunning, so smart that he can bring an entire team of students behind him to basically harm and cheat their way into victory! But he is so tired of failure after failure and *trying* to push past it that he no longer finds the worth in it. It's easier to accept defeat than to fight something pointless.

And with Ruggie? RUGGIE! Their dynamic is both complimentary and opposites! The child with a loving home but in dire poverty, forced to fight to live but never to love - and Leona? A prince born in wealth but never wealthy in love and support. Basically Ruggie has always fought for something better because he knows he has others that look up and depend on him. He can't give in. *He can't* give up. To give up means to abandon those who trust him.

Then there's Leona. To everyone, he has everything. He's smart, he's wealthy and strong! But he's been beaten down by everything because he was never good *enough*. Nothing was ever truly *his*. He had nothing to fight for, and thus had little reason to fight. He is nothing but a shadow - *a backup* for the true king. To see how both are with each other, given both grew up lacking what the other had just makes me feral!

ESPECIALLY during this!

THIS SUMS THEM UP.

Leona is trying to make Ruggie see the way he does! He's had it worse than he ever had, and yet he's still fighting! Can you imagine being so broken down, so tired, and then watching someone worse off keep going, keep fighting?

Leona cares for Ruggie, but I feel especially during chapter 2 his actions were based upon all that bottled up anger: anger for his part in life, anger for his family - anger towards himself. In that moment Ruggie is everything he wasn't and more, that flame that Leona lost so long ago that refuses to be put out.

[bthump]

Although both characters absolutley hate being too vulnerable with each other, which of do the two do you think would end up open up about their feelings first? personally, i think it would be Griff but ahsdhs i still feel like it's not something he would easily let out unless there were specific circusmtances involved.

I fully trust your knowledge on Griffith, Guts, and their relationship in general so who do you think would open up about their feelings towards each other first? Of course, in a context where Guts never left the hawks lol.

Thanks for your interest in my opinion!

Personally my take is it would probably be Guts, because imo he's the one who's more aware of his feelings, and able to talk about them. I think Griffith didn't even consciously realize how important Guts was to him until he ended up in a torture chamber. He can't even admit to himself that Guts is his friend during the Golden Age.

Guts, on the other hand, at least knows he wants to be Griffith's friend and has told other people, so it's (slightly) less of a leap to imagine him telling Griffith how he feels.

But honestly a big barrier for me when it comes to either Griffith or Guts declaring their love is that I think they both have the kind of internalized homophobia that makes them see themselves as inherently evil/predatory for same sex attraction. The way both their backstories involve csa trauma while they're nearly canonically in love with each other and super repressed about it, and both hating themselves and seeing themselves as monsters in addition to that... it all fits together very well.

But yeah if one of them is going to a) recognize their own feelings, and b) talk themselves through it and work up the nerve to confess those feelings, I think it'd be Guts. Especially because he's in a pretty emotionally healthy place during most of the Golden Age, comparatively, while I think Griffith is more emotionally fucked up during the Golden Age, thanks to the pressure of his dream. Like Guts is getting a bit less self-loathing during the three years with the Hawks, a bit more secure in his own acceptance, but Griffith is still very trapped in a cycle of guilt and self-loathing and needing to believe his dream is the most important thing.

This is all assuming that Guts doesn't overhear the Promrose Hall speech, because I think if he did no amount of self-reflection would get him to confess his feelings to Griffith. As far as he's concerned after hearing that, Griffith has already rejected him.

That said, if there's some kind of catalyst I could pretty easily imagine either making the first move, though I imagine it more like an impulsive kiss that they're then forced to deal with, rather than a confession. Guts nearly dies and Griffith gives him a thank god you're alive kiss, or they're drunk and someone gets impulsive, that kind of thing. It's a lot easier for me to make the kiss/sex come first, and the talking/self-reflection come after for them lol. So yeah I could definitely see Griffith being the one making the first move, but like you said it def depends on the circumstances.

Thanks for the ask!

btw if you want to share what circumstances you think would spur Griffith to say something first, pls do, I'm curious!

[odessa-castle]

Thank you again for the absolute glory that has been NLTS Part 1. I have enjoyed every word immensely so far, and can't wait to see more of it when you pick it up again. In the interim, if you're still accepting ficlet prompts for this verse, I will surprise absolutely nobody by saying that I would love to see more of Astarion having a bad time, if it so moves you.

Consider me so moved!

This is safe for work, technically, but the vibes are unpleasant. Content warnings for references to offscreen torture, and for Cazador being, well, himself. This is set sometime shortly after the end of Part One.

~~~

Cazador trails a claw down each knob of Astarion’s spine. It’s a worse feeling, somehow, than the pliers. “My foolish child,” he says. “What am I to do with you, if you will not learn?”

Answering is a trap. Not answering is a trap. If Astarion still had his fingernails, he’d dig them into his palms; as it is, clenching his fists only sends raw bolts of pain shooting up his arms, and he bites his lip to keep from crying out. It doesn’t matter, really. This is going to go the same way that it’s gone the last – however many times. Astarion’s lost track of how often Cazador’s gone through this cycle of compelling answers out of him, punishing Astarion when the answer displeases, and then, once Astarion’s screamed enough to satisfy him, returning to the same damned questions as before.

If Cazador wants a different answer, he should let Astarion bloody lie about it for once, but then Astarion wouldn’t be bringing all these punishments on himself, now, would he?

Cazador seizes Astarion by the hair, yanks his chin up from the table, forces Astarion to look into the red depths of his eyes. “I ask you again,” he says. “Do you still love Wyll Ravengard?”

The command hooks itself in his chest, drags the answer out of Astarion’s unwilling throat. It isn’t fair that Cazador gets to hear this, over and over, when Astarion never got the chance to tell Wyll –

“Yes,” he says. He can’t look away. He swallows, braces himself as best he can for Cazador’s next eruption of fury. (He can never brace himself enough, even after all these years.)

A cold smirk curls on Cazador’s lips, this time. “Perhaps we should go about this lesson a different way,” he says. “I cannot help but think back to the last time you fancied yourself in love. It was during our first decade together, was it not?”

No. Not the tomb. Not again – “Please, Master,” he begs, “please don’t make me go back there, please, I’ll be good, I promise, I swear I’ll obey –”

“Your promises are as empty as your head,” Cazador snaps. “But you misunderstand me. I was thinking not of the tomb, but of that darling boy of yours. You were dreadfully fond of him, I recall.”

He – yes. He had been. He remembers fragments: warm, callused hands; a dark mop of curls; the softened consonants of southern Faerun. His trade had something to do with travel, didn’t it? A sailor, perhaps, or a merchant, or a caravan guard? 

“What was his name, again?” Cazador’s eyes glitter with malice. He gives Astarion’s curls another wrench. “Surely you remember, don’t you? You gave up so much for him, after all. He must have been important to you. You must have cherished him, in your way.”

Astarion furrows his brow, runs through the ruined corridors of his memory for any sign, any signal. He would have known the boy’s name. He must have known the boy’s name. 

“Perhaps there is some pity left for you in me yet, boy,” Cazador says, in a tone that indicates anything but. “Tell me that man’s name, and I shall allow you to return to the dormitories for the night.”

Astarion swallows, his throat working soundlessly. There must be more he remembers. He forces himself to cast his mind back. His name began with a P, didn’t it? Or a V, maybe. Was it a T? And he had freckles across his nose. Astarion can’t recall their color, or the exact tone of his skin, but he kissed those freckles, and the boy laughed. Or does that memory belong to another man, another year?

“You’ve forgotten, haven’t you? Say it.”

“Yes, Master,” Astarion whispers. “I’ve forgotten.”

At last, Cazador releases his grip on Astarion’s hair. Astarion presses his cheek to the table, stares at a bloodstain on the walls.

“Oh, my child,” Cazador says. He strokes the curve of Astarion’s cheek with his thumb. “We are eternal, you and I. For creatures such as we, who know true permanence, these fancies cannot last. That boy from centuries ago is dust now, forgotten to all who knew him – including you. And so, too, shall Wyll Ravengard fade, until he is but the shadow of a thought.”

Astarion wants to deny it, wants to shake his head, wants to slap Cazador’s hand away. But with the weight of time bearing on him like this, it’s impossible to move.

“How fortunate, then, that you shall never fade,” Cazador says. “And neither will I. Now, then. Shall we begin again?”

[ceilidhtransing]

It's astonishing the number of conversations about urbanism that get derailed by one person going “but what about my very specific situation!”

Look. No one is talking about forcing you specifically to never ever use a car if the life you lead needs one. There will always be edge cases like someone who lives on the very outer limits of a city but has to commute every day to their job thirty miles away in Middle Of Nowhere Village Farm (Population Two Hundred) which is too far to cycle and it's unlikely that there will ever be fast frequent public transport on that particular route so of course it makes sense for that person to drive. Even in well planned places there are still some situations that warrant a car. And, of course (though this is not really the group this post is about), there will be a very small population of disabled people - smaller than a lot of people probably imagine, but it definitely exists - for whom, no matter how accessible a mixed-use walkable neighbourhood you build, with tactile paving and level boarding and free seating everywhere and continuous pavements and safe segregated pedestrian paths and all that fantastic stuff, it will still be necessary to use a car a lot of the time.

But the existence of edge cases does not invalidate the project as a whole, and in fact it's a pretty conservative instinct to respond to an attempt to massively improve the general conditions of society with “but what about the way it will affect me?!”

I am very sympathetic to a lot of these people's fears and apprehensions, particularly those of disabled people who are all too used to urban planning projects completely forgetting they exist and severely limiting their ability to get around the world. I really do understand the feeling of “I can only barely get around as it is and I'm afraid that all this urbanism stuff will only make it yet more impossible for me to live my life”. But I suspect that a lot of this feeling comes from a fear of extremely poorly implemented “urbanism”, where things are - especially in North America - basically the exact same as there are now except you're forced to walk or cycle everywhere so you have an 80-minute round-trip cycle just to get groceries and the Urbanism Cops will hunt you down if you so much as think about driving. And while there's always some risk that good ideas will be absolutely butchered in execution by incompetent, careless and/or malicious officials, I do want to emphasise that no one is actually advocating for that kind of situation. An “urbanism” that leaves everything basically as-is except now cars are banned or something is no urbanism at all. And an urbanism that makes it infinitely harder for people to get around, rather than easier, is also no urbanism at all. Whatever your nightmare vision is of “everyone being forced to cycle everywhere” or “my commute now being 4 hours long because I'm not allowed to drive” or “now I'm trapped inside my house because I can't walk very far and my neighbourhood isn't accessible to me” is not actually being advocated by anyone.

Urbanism is about greatly improving the quality of life for society as a whole (as well as, you know, staving off the climate catastrophe), and within that framework there will be space for all the edge cases. Because that's what they are: edge cases. Even if 15% of people will need to drive to work no matter what, that's still 85% of people who won't. Even if 10% of people will need a car to go shopping, that's still 90% of people who won't. And the expectation - especially from people whose opposition is rooted not in genuine concern for accessibility but rather in pure myopic selfishness, like the business owners who go apeshit every time a bike lane is proposed on their street - that we should hold off on massive improvements for the vast bulk of society because “what about their specific edge case situation” is how nothing ever gets improved at all. “My personal need to drive means that everything should remain car-dependent forever.” “I can't ride a bike therefore we shouldn't invest in cycle infrastructure.” “My nearest transit stop is a half-hour walk away so instead of advocating for better public transit that works for my neighbourhood I'm going to insist that everything stays the way it is now.” Prioritising edge cases - often those of loud and wealthy conservative minorities - at the direct expense of the broad solutions that will result in massive quality-of-life improvements for almost everyone is deeply unfair, and doesn't result in anything ever getting better, but rather is a big contributing factor to everything staying shit forever.

[a-slight-sweet-fiction]

More (incomplete, still-developing) thoughts on what happened in Father Kevin, in which I'm cautiously optimistic about this episode, despite its issues...? Spoilers ahead.

I've seen a lot of people VERY unhappy with this reveal, and especially the way Kevin TALKED about it. I didn't exactly love what he said, either, and from everything I'm seeing from everyONE, it did NOT hit most people in the way the writers may have wanted. The transcript isn't up yet, and I literally do not have it in me to re-listen to the episode yet, but in a way it did come off like he was saying, "my father wasn't that bad and I now understand why he was the way he was, and I'm now going to become exactly the same person in YOUR life and act the same ways, without any reservations." Which, if that's the way he meant it, is AWFUL. Kevin is in a loop with himself, and we know canonically his father poured boiling caramel into his hands and had him drink it, and he's sublimated the experience of that (and god knows what else) to the point where he remembers it as a happy memory, but then immediately launches into a story about watching a bird die, then solemnly says, "I still don’t know who killed that starling."

If this is a stable time loop, and Older Kevin is STILL headed in the direction of repeating it...then I'll say it, even as like, the Kevin fan of all time: narratively, Boy Kevin straight up SHOULD have killed him with knives. Like, bye! BUT...this arc was so heavily about change. And I also think it's possible that this is the first time Kevin has been able to UNDERSTAND that he's in a horrible abuse loop with himself (a topic I want to make another more specific post about later, because I think there's a lot to explore there).

And there are (presumably) variables that weren't present last time, people who have given Kevin more emotional and physical tools to work with. He very likely wouldn't have had a Tamika last time this happened, or Carlos or Cecil giving their forms of advice and gentle parenting, or like, Harrison offering to each him how to use knives back in Fridge-worthy. ...Before I say this next point, please know that I see Lauren as a really complicated character, and someone who has also been victimized by the Smiling God and the beliefs of her society, regardless of how the cycle started. Like whether she opted into Smiling God stuff intentionally or got forced in like Kevin, you really can't live in that belief system without being harmed by it, even if you're almost at the top of the food chain. No Smiling God worshipper can really win, the way things are. But I think it's another good sign that Kevin has FINALLY extricated himself away from Lauren in a direct way. In the past, we see him almost always with her, and whenever he is, he seems more trapped in his worst ways. It's a deeply toxic relationship in his life, defined by fighting for control of her or to keep control of himself, where they're pitted against each other in competition for the love and favor of their god. And she has always been an agent and in some cases a representative of the Smiling God, as far as we've seen.

And in this episode, Boy Kevin stabbed her (a rejection of her control and manipulation of him), and wasn't strong enough to get away, but Older Kevin (with his understanding of gods and, I hope, newfound understanding of HIMSELF) was able to take that vulnerable piece of himself back from her, and told him HE would raise him (also a rejection! One the two of them agree on!).

And finally, the way Cecil said he still didn't like Kevin's smile, but noted that Kevin seemed like he was being gentle, also gives me a lot of hope.

TL;DR:

I still think Kevin has a chance to heal and grow and change. I definitely get the worry that this could loop into him just eternally being stuck. (Which...to be blunt, narratively that would SUCK. I would really like for Finknoriams NOT do that, at least not immediately after acknowledging it's possible for people to change and giving the audience hope that Kevin will figure out how.) But I think there's still a way Kevin can win, without looping again in the same horrible way OR killing his adult self with knives.

[beyond-the-rabbit-hole]

Guilty Party

Features: Vaquero and his Evan

Warnings: violence, morbid speech, all caps text

“missed me?" HABIT spat the words at Evan like he'd been given a pipebomb wrapped in a bow rather than a Christmas gift, "that's cute, really. hey, i'd miss me too if all i did was sit on my ass and mindlessly watch movies and beg for people to pay attention to me. oh yeah, i'm dropping the cowboy act for this one, sugarcube."

Panic in wide gray eyes huddled in the corner of the room Evan swore would be his demise- everything was tossed asunder from a little game of ring around the rosy. The couch was flipped over, the coffee table crashed into the tv, broken wood and chairs to turn the house into a landmine of splinters.

"i bet you don't even know what to do with yourself without me! if you did you wouldn't still be living this same damn life, this same damn day over and over. we'd be off somewhere new by now, wouldn't we? somewhere fun, somewhere exciting, building up a brand new life. but no, even without your HABIT you're still just like every other rabbit clinging to me. my story, my iterations, my everything."

Evan mumbled something about being trapped in the cycle, about there being no way out.

"NO, HABIT hissed, "YOU KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT ALL OVER AGAIN BUT YOU ARE NOT AN INNOCENT VICTIM. YOU ARE BLIND, YOU CHOOSE TO BE BLIND SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE IT! BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH, YOU NEVER COULD!"

He crouched down in front of Evan with a wide smirk and whispered, "you want to know the truth? you want to know what's been sitting right under your nose? you could leave any time you wanted."

He waited paitently for a response, anything to reward HABIT for the enticing information he just dropped. Nothing, nothing but cowardice.

"you don't believe me," he chuckled, "all you have to do is shut up and change. change your habits. control me. you are what happens when you do not control me."

A weak protest, not a single word even worth remembering. It was a shaky, half cobbled excuse.

"JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT!" HABIT cackled, "CMON ITS THAT EASY! JUST SHUT UP AND DO IT."

Evan would laugh at that meme if he didn't feel like his very life was being threatened. Hands clamped over his ears and eyes squeezed tight so he didn't have to hear his booming voice, didn't have to see that blood-soaked smile on his very own face.

"BUT YOU WON'T WILL YOU? AFTER ALL I GAVE YOU, AFTER ALL I'D DONE FOR YOU, YOU'RE STILL JUST A COWARD. A WEAKLING, A PATHETIC LITTLE WRETCH UNDER MY HEEL. GUESS THATS MY FAULT FOR NOT MAKING YOU SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS, HUH?" Evan couldn't block it out, no matter how hard he tried. He wound up tighter into his ball. He really felt like a coward, he hid like one, trembled like one, cried like one. He wanted to snap bite fight rip tear punch but why? Why fight? He couldn't move his own body. Maybe he'd have plausible deniability if he just stayed here.

"YOU STILL WON'T ANSWER ME! HOW HILARIOUS." HABIT stomped over and smacked away Evan's arms like pieces of trash left in the room and gripped his chin. He forced Evan to look up at him with those pretty tear filled doe eyes and sunk his hand lower. Around Evan's throat now he swallowed into HABIT'S palm, gulped into it as he should. He was Evan's very life force, the very thing that got him here and the only thing keeping his dumbass alive and he would drink in air like ambrosia from his hand, at his command. And he could take it away whenever he liked. Evan's feet scraped against the wall not the floor now, brows high and knit and teeth bared in a submissive grimace with tears and sweat pooling and dripping down his face in a sopping pathetic mess the same way a dog would after its owner shoved it down into a puddle of its own piss.

"I GAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU. I PROTECTED YOU, AND I DID IT SO WELL YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE PROBLEM. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE DID, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT OUR DAD IS DEAD AND REPLACED BY AN IMPOSTER. YEAH, LOOKING REAL SHOCKED NOW, HUH? PRICELESS. YOU SHOULD SEE THE PITIFUL PRICELESS LOOK ON YOUR FACE." he cackled. "NOPE, WRONG AGAIN! I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME!"

HABIT could not stop laughing. He dragged Evan up to the bathroom and ducked his head into the sink.

"AWWW WERE YOU WORRIED I WAS GONNA WATERBOARD YOU? WE DON'T EVEN HAVE RUNNING WATER DUMBASS! AND WHO'S FAULT IS THAT, HUH?"

He threw Evan down on the floor. He curled up and whimpered like HABIT had kicked him.

"I DID EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND YOU COULDN'T EVEN GET YOURSELF A PLACE WITH THE BASIC FUCKING NECESSITIES FOR YOUR OWN PITIFUL SURVIVAL. AND YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS? I WANT MORE, WE DESERVE MORE THAN THIS BUT NO, TO YOU THE COST IS JUST TOO DAMN HIGH. ITS TOO HARD TO KEEP A FUCKING JOB WITH ALL YOUR BAD HABITS, TOO HARD TO JUMP SKIP AND A HOP INTO A BETTER TIMELINE, A BETTER LIFE FOR US BOTH. WE COULD HAVE SO MUCH MORE IF YOU STOPPED GIVING INTO YOUR BAD HABITS! BUT YOU'LL NEVER DO THAT, YOU'LL NEVER PUT AN OUNCE OF ENERGY DESPITE EVERYTHING THATS BEEN GIVEN TO YOU."

"...people have died because they loved you and wanted the best for you. and you wasted it."

Tethers sprouted from HABIT and attached to Evan, hooking their limbs together. He pulled him closer and clasped Evan's hands and spun him around like a ballerina in a music box, posed pretty and twirling beyond his own control. He went in for a dip and waggled his eyebrows at him.

Evan dropped to the floor. He glanced into the bathroom mirror. And there was just him. Tired, sunken eyes and nails dug into his skin. There was only him.

[the-priestess-of-dawn]

thinking abt ur validar post because i actually thought about that a little in my stupid werewolf fic. I had to really sit down and be like "what the fuck would people even FIND attractive about this guy enough to have a baby" and I didnt wanna just use the occult angle and it hit me that Validar isn't self-caring because he hates he's not the vessel he wanted and yeah he definitely IS the equivalent of That Parent. You know the one. What I'm saying is maybe there's a commentary to be made here abt how the Plegian people and him in turn felt so dehumanized in general after a point even the extremist sects of Grimleal were better bc well, if you become food for Grima/BECOME Grima's body then you're useful and good and righteous. What gets me is Plegia isn't poor, either, but its poor in sustainability outside the ocean... idk, a lot of food for thought with Validar here. I didn't expect to think abt him in FEH so deeply but here we are.

Honestly it's kind of embarrassing how much I HAVE deeply thought about Validar. I've been wanting him to get into FEH for a long time now. A lot of his lines in Awakening are so poorly written that it's hard to make sense of him as a person. But even though you can't really argue that he's in any way sympathetic in the text... For me at least, there's no such thing as a completely unsympathetic villain, and I can't help feeling sorry for both him and the other members of the Grimleal...

I mean, yeah, when Aversa explains that Plegia suffering under Gangrel was useful because it drove the people to worship, I think we ARE supposed to feel bad for the common people. But I think it's easy to fall into a trap of trying to distinguish those ordinary citizens from the evil, manipulative leaders like Validar just a little bit too much. Aren't they all trapped in the same vicious cycle, in the end?

Over the course of the game, we occasionally fight some Grimleal enemies who are... really just nasty, and not supposed to be given a second thought at all. But I can't help but be moved that they call out to Grima with their dying words... "Master Grima... my life force... is yours..." (Chalard, Chapter 8). "Lord Grima... Rain down... retribution..." (Jamil, Paralogue 6).

The Grimleal... love Grima. Even Validar loves Grima. Aversa says he's everything she knows of love, but she also doesn't presume he loves HER, so of course it's his devotion to Grima that she sees. Notably, it's this form of love that makes her content to die for him.

So I end up feeling deeply moved, even though (or more accurately, BECAUSE) the entire philosophy behind the Grimleal is so horrific. The deep despair these people must feel in order to see salvation in the form of humanity's destruction... It's NOT just "hee hee powerful dragon will make me powerful" because these people, including Validar, do not presume that they are special and going to survive. Even the leader of the Grimleal is nothing. Grima alone is everything.

And... okay I talk a lot about the symbolism of Grima's name meaning mask, which I love so much, but lately I've also been thinking about the meaning of their Japanese name, Gimurei—from Norse, Gimlé, referring to the place where the righteous will dwell in happiness after Ragnarok, which will stand "even when both heaven and earth have passed away." So... yes, I do think that for the Grimleal, giving their souls to Grima is a way of becoming righteous. The world is cruel and ugly but Grima will make it right :::)

(Of course, because they believe Grima is the only answer, no one does anything to make the world they have any better. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. One that Grima is drawn into as well. When this is what they wake up to, what are they supposed to do? If they don't destroy the world, they will be letting a LOT of people down.)

[bugcatcherwill]

I’m Abit dumb but what is malice representing?

OH BOY I've been looking at this ask all day at work wanting to write about it hlkjadsf

Don't worry you're not dumb! A lot of what I talk about the Malice is pretty nebulous and vague so it's understandable.

But in short, my version of Malice is an allegory for militarism and how it ties directly to totalitarianism and tyranny. Long explanation below the cut, but CW for some heavy-handed political topics:

The way the Malice treats the monsters is evident enough. Every monster to the Malice is expendable. They're nothing but warm bodies used to accomplish its goals. They're not allowed free will or else it risks the chokehold it has. Any defectors must be immediately expunged. Any monster that is wounded beyond a threshold where it would need time to heal or would be incapacitated in some sense is deemed useless - and therefore discarded. And even worse, it is a system that is nearly completely autonomous. Once the war machine is running, it runs on its own. And it is in a constant demand of fresh bodies to push onto the front lines.

It's why Lizalfos under the Malice are never seen without tails, or why you never see Malice-filled monsters with any kind of impairment. And also how the monsters are forced into homogeny. Remember how Sterre mentioned it growing back its hair? You think that was allowed when it was in the Malice? No individualism. Under the Malice, every monster is simply a replaceable cog in the machine. And like how the Malice takes the monsters that fail too much and turn them into stall - failing the machine is often a fate worse than death. Blood for the blood god.

And as we can see with the Wizzrobes, the Malice dictates that anyone not born under the oppressive system must be educated and subjugated under the system. Free expression is not allowed - deemed weakness. Same with emotions that are anything but a vehement anger towards the enemy. They are told from as young as they can understand speech that serving The Calamity is their sole purpose - forced to believe it under harsh coercion.

Defection must be suppressed violently. It is not enough to quell the rebellions, they must be made an example. Through fear, the Malice forces the other monsters to stay in line when a sliver of guilt or regret breaks through the AGES of conditioning. Which is how it's been able to maintain its grip throughout ages before BoTW's events.

And, as we can see with Ganondorf, even if one tries to rely on totalitarianism to destroy another, it will never be satisfied. The machine demands more, there is not enough land it can conquer, not enough lives it can oppress, where it will say enough. It will find a new enemy, even one that doesn't exist. Ganondorf was trapped in the belief that all he had to do was overthrow the Royal Family and his and everyone else's problems would be solved - and continued to make that mistake again and again until he was finally convinced to break the cycle (more on that to come). But peace can never be found through dictators, no matter how "benevolent". It will simply lead to more dictators.

These are the key tenets to militarism. That is essentially what Demise and the Malice represent - and why The Calamity continues to fight long after Demise's...demise. I call it Demise's corpse because it is exactly that. It is not the original oppressor, but once he was toppled the war machine kept running. Because that's what it was designed to do. And Ganondorf mantled it because he thought he could control it. But you can't. You can never control it.

It's also extremely hard to break. Especially when that is all someone has ever known. Where they're, from birth, conditioned and forced into this line of thinking through oppression, fear, and hatred. And it's most powerful in large groups. Notice how the Malice is amplified in power when with groups of monsters? But weaker when they're isolated and alone? The line of militaristic thought is EXTREMELY difficult to undo, but not impossible. It takes effort, isolation from the source of hatred, and we (and the monsters of Hyrule in my fic) are inherently empathetic creatures. Hate is taught, but empathy is not.

And yet, sometimes it's just not enough. Some will just refuse to understand or see through reason/empathy, and defection can even happen for the wrong reasons, as you saw with the 3 Wizzrobes.

And also like in real life, once the façade is broken, and the Malice begins to lose its watertight grip and control, then it will turn even more violent - clawing and slashing as it desperately tries to maintain the stranglehold it once had.

If you're looking for the best example/inspiration in other works of fiction, I'd say the whole plot hook of The Clone Wars where the clones manage to rebel against their Order 66 brainchip is where I primarily got my idea for RATC. A lot of those themes are prevalent here as well

So yea, hope this was satisfactory :)

[glasyasbutch]

playlist: hyssop (A-side)

The memories of a rabbit guy who left his burrow to be more than someone's son and found himself a grouchy but damn good guard for hire

link to playlist on spotify

link to B-side post

1. Young and Menace by Fall Out Boy

Woke up on the wrong side of reality / and there's a madness that's just coursing right through me / And as for the time, for the time / Not sure I'm there yet but I'm sure that I've arrived / Oops I did it again, I forgot what I was losing my mind about

One of the first songs I picked out for this playlist. It's bold, it's strong, the overall vibes lean into what I wanted to get across of "guy who doesn't really know himself but knows for Sure he is going to fuck something up" and "potential danger to myself but bigger danger to you". Lots of references to lost memory and waking up uncertain of things, great for Hyssop fresh off the mind wipe.

2. Faster by Within Temptation

I can feel that you mesmerize my heart / I feel so free, I'm alive, I'm breaking out / I won't give in, 'cause I'm proud of all my scars / And I can see I've been wasting too much time

Another fast, forceful one, and I just love Within Temptation. There's a sister WT song on the B-side playlist (The Howling). If the first song was fresh off the mind wipe, this one's fresh off leaving the burrow and being on his own for the first time. And there's absolutely zero dramatic irony in the last song repeating "we've gone way too fast for way to long" and this one repeating "faster and faster".

3. Nemesis by TheFatRat

An instrumental piece that I chose as the soundtrack for Hyssop's combat scenes. There's a matching instrumental fight song on the B-side playlist (Protect and Defend).

4. Rain by MIKA

This ordinary mind is broken, you did it and you don't even know / You're leaving me with words unspoken, you better get back 'cause I'm ready for / More than this, whatever it is / Baby I hate days like this / Caught in a trap, can't look back / Baby I hate days like this.

Required MIKA kin song. This one's starting to transition into a slower, more introspective feel for the back half of the playlist. I originally picked it out as a ballad to Whoever The Fuck Broke His Brain Can You Fix It Please, but the more I thought about it, it doubles pretty well for his feelings about his family he grew up with too. The parallels and the cycle that doesn't break and all that.

5. Way Out There by Lord Huron

I'm a long way from the one that I loved / I've been tending old flames, lamenting what was / Drifting in a land that time forgot / If you think I've changed you know me not / I belong to the bodily earth / Wearing old bones from the ones who came first / I've been unraveling since my birth / Gonna wander out there and see what I'm worth

The last addition to the playlist but possibly the one I like best for him. There's a eerie serenity to the guitar that I think really reflects the way Hyssop feels about nature and the peace he's found in solitude out there. And if you thought the last one was a double-meaning ballad to the family and the memories he left behind, guess again. This is the perfect song for someone who has no idea who he is and desperately needs to find out.

6. You Think Your Skull is a Mighty Fortress by Dirt Poor Robins

We'll have some things to discuss / When we quarry, what's buried? / The bones you hid in such a hurry / We tarry now but we'll get around / To digging it up

Surely the fact that Hyssop is missing 10 years of his memory will just be a cool thing to keep to himself and will have zero influence on the story at all in any meaningful way. 👍

BONUS SONG that was on the playlist but I took it off because I wanted both The Memories and The Forgotten to have the same number of songs + I felt there were too many slow songs

Asleep by Sleeping at Last

I'm not certain I'm not a ghost / Is this free will or am I doing as I'm told? / I know shadows follow the rules / But what if tonight by the mercy of light, I could choose?

The literal meaning of the song is about the beauty of dreaming when you're fed up with your life, and I originally put this song on there as a "before he left the burrow" kind of thing. Like this was meant to be angsty teenage Hyssop first beginning to realize he didn't have to be beholden to other people's successes to make something of himself.

But it also makes me think of a moment in the campaign. Norm asked Hyssop if he acted the way he does because he got close to someone and lost them, and Hyssop said not all the way, but he almost did, and he swore he'll never actually get there. He was talking about himself - he got close to Someone and it cost him 10 years of his life and most of his sense of self. This song is for that promise - no matter how lost and untethered he becomes, he will always find a way to retain some semblance of control. There will always be a part of him that is no one else's that he will use to create his future.

[trashlie]

hey it's the same anon as last time ^^ i'll try to stop by your inbox more often when i have the time and some thoughts to share. discussing these things is fun and you make such great points about the characters and the story. i'll be signing these asks with lil anon (like lil buddy 😼) so you know it's me. and good to hear! i hope you continue to get better 🥰

i get why you're invested in kousuke's story. he is, objectively, a really interesting character. it's unfortunate that people disregard him, bc understanding him is a key part of understanding the story. and understanding him doesn't necessarily mean having sympathy/empathy for him. like on a personal level i can't stand him and want to smack him with a broom lmao but as a reader/observer it's interesting to try and understand his motivations/actions, if that makes sense 🤞

oh yeah you're completely right about kou getting worse as the story progresses. his recent development has felt like watching a car crash in slow motion - tragic, but fascinating and you can't look away. if ily was a less interesting story, a character like kousuke (typical rich asshole with some redeeming qualities) would have had significant growth by now. but that would be such a cliché, right?

and sometimes i do wonder if kousuke is doomed by the narrative, or if he eventually will be able to break free from... himself, essentially. the thing is, kousuke's is trapped. in order to grow and change, he needs to separate himself from the hiraharas/this fake reality that's been constructed from him, and see his situation from a different perspective. but in order to even want to change, he needs to grow as a character first. which he cannot do as long as he's involved with the family. it's like a snake eating its own tail. nothing/no one has been able to get through to him yet, so i guess there needs to be an outside force (maybe a revelation) that breaks him out of this cycle, shatters the very foundation of his fake reality, or maybe removes his safety net. and i really wonder what's that going to be. like... even though christmas is coming up in the ily universe, i doubt he'll be visited by the ghosts of the present, past, and yet to come and then all of a sudden he's a gentler, kinder man the next day lmaooo idk what do you think it'll be that's going to push him towards (positive) change? i think it's undeniable that kousuke needs to crash and burn first, and then maybe he can build himself up from the ground. i really do hope that's what's going to happen eventually! he is (mostly) a victim of his upbringing/environment, so it'd be nice to see him make steps towards growth/healing/being his own person. either way we're still so far from anything like this happening so who knows.

re: nol and fear - wow i didn't make the connection that nol is also driven by his fears, but you're absolutely right. i saw him as someone mostly controlled by self-loathing/self-destructiveness/low self-esteem, but these feelings are ultimately rooted in his fears. thanks for pointing that out. such an interesting parallel between the brothers.

all the ways the brothers are two completely different people with similar issues are endlessly fascinating to me (i just love me a complex siblings dynamic). you mentioned that neither of them have that family relationship with their parents at this point, and i agree. however, i think it's important to keep in mind that a key factor in nol and kousuke being such different people are that their early days were completely different.

nol had a very loving mother who shaped him during his most critical years of development (ages 0 to 5). and i actually believe nol got his best qualities (kind, caring, generous, brave, funny, etc) and morals from nessa, not rand. also, the hiraharas hadn't poisoned him yet. the layers of pain and trauma came later. on the other hand, kousuke received a completely different version of care and was taught a number of really negative traits - that his wealth and name make him better than other people, that his family doesn't function like others do and that that's normal, that he shouldn't feel guilty taking advantage of people and situations, that he deserves to have everything he wants, that his sole purpose is to inherit the company, and - as you said - that love as a reward, rather than something he's inherently deserving of. no wonder nol was/is such a threat to him - he's competition, and there can only be one winner. how can this boy, a 'mistake', have received this "reward" (=rand's love (nol hasn't actually received it but kousuke thinks he did)) so easily, when he didn't do anything to deserve it? that can only mean that nol is better, that kousuke is in his shadow, somehow inferior. and that just contradicts kousuke's entire worldview. idk it's just. much to think about.

oh wow i wrote so much, sorry about that. btw feel free to copypaste this in a separate post under a cut so it doesn't take up too much space if you feel like it, i wouldn't mind! have a good weekend 💗 - lil anon

Lil' Anon, I love it, perfect! Hehe!!!

You are SO right about Kousuke, too, in that you don't have to love a character to enjoy them. In-verse I would not get along with Kousuke or even want anything to do with him lol. He frustrates me a LOT - but right, you can understand WHY a character is frustrating. You can become invested while knowing you would absolutely fight them lol. The thing about compelling characters is that, for the most part, they are the drivers of plot and story and if they aren't a character worth investing in, you run the risk of caricatures of antagonists, villains who fall flat and cartoonish. ILY certainly borrows from the truth that everyone is going through something, no matter who they are. That doesn't always validate what they do, but as far as a story and PLOT goes, it makes everything far more interesting. That's the main thing I want people to come away with, not just as far as ILY goes but media in general. Because it's fiction, there is no harm in enjoying an antagonist. Your plot and story wouldn't be as enjoyable if they WEREN'T compelling or intriguing. When I say Kou has become a character I'm very invested in, it doesn't mean I approve of the things he does. In fact, I root for him BECAUSE I want to see him grow, because I want to see if he ever takes the reigns on his life and comes to much-needed realizations.

Because you are right - there is a big chance that Kousuke IS doomed by the narrative. I've talked about this re: Alyssa before, too, in that just as in real life, there's a chance he may never come to the terms he needs to. He may never find his way out of his safety spots, may never try to leave what is safe and secure. That's what's so important about acknowledging how fear drives him - if he cannot overcome that fear of being uncomfortable, of facing disappointment, of being outside what he finds safe and secure, then he really can't make the changes he needs to. He won't have the opportunity to see himself in a way that might give him the perspective he needs. In general, growth requires courage. If we want to grow, we have to face scenarios that bring us discomfort, that maybe make us fall apart, in order for us to learn just how much we can take, just how much we can overcome. But Kousuke has never really been in that kind of position. He's had everything handed to him, whether or not he wants it to be.

I really like the analogy that it's like a snake eating its own tail; I think that really sums up the vicious cycle and why we've not seen him wake up to reality, why things seem to go in one ear and out the other.

Over on reddit I've been talking to someone a lot about Kousuke, too, and a thought we share is that not only does Kousuke need that crash and burn - I think everyone is in agreement about that! - but maybe something that can be a wake up call for him is his career. They made some really great points, too, I'll link to their response here, but we know that Kousuke isn't truly happy in his life and career. To him, we endure uncomfortable situations, or one's that aren't fun because that's life. We don't live in an ideal world, we have to do whatever we can to get by. But Kousuke literally could have his pick of anything in the world, couldn't he? At some point, when does he realize he's unfulfilled? The whole purpose of his career trajectory was to earn Rand's affection. At what point does he realize it isn't going to happen - if he's not already at that realization? At what point does the empty, hollowness set in? When does he realize he doesn't feel fulfilled because none of this was for HIM, this doesn't mean anything to him without Rand acknowledging him? And suppose he does get that acknowledgement. Then what? The quest is over, there's no higher goals, nothing more to achieve. Oh, sure, he can go on to be the CEO as he was born to. But would it MEAN anything to him?

I'm thinking - or hoping? - that this might be the kind of thing that gives him the wake up call. That there is no point in his life that brings him joy - except maybe eating sweets lol. But that can only be a catalyst. You're right in that a big need is for him to get away from his family, for him to exist outside of their reach, to lose that safety net.

I have a couple thoughts in this regard. Whatever Yujing is working on - likely an expose - syncs up with Shinae's graduation and Nol's release from prison. It clearly has to do with the Hiraharas - and this means Kousuke, as well. When she found out Nol had pleaded guilty, she'd been looking at an old article about Nol attacking Kousuke, which we've seen may not be what we thought it was at all, that perhaps it was Kousuke who attacked and Yui blamed Nol. There's also that incident Kousuke is so DESPERATE to hide, something Yujing knows about. It seems likely that this expose, this piece, is something that could taint the Hirahara name. Even if Kousuke was not involved in other aspects, this would end up affecting him, because a major part of his identity is that he is the Heir, so what happens if his identity is that he's the Heir of a dirty family? If it becomes known that he is not the ideal gentleman bachelor he's been made out to be? Is that enough to make him step back and see his family - especially his safety net Yui - in a new light?

There's also my favorite crack theory, that Kousuke is not Rand's son. Now, again, I don't necessarily think I believe in this as much as I enjoy exploring it, but there's been a number of little moments that feel like they could be foreshadowing - or red herrings lol. Suppose it was true, Rand isn't actually Kousuke's father. Aside from the fact that he's spent his whole life trying to earn love from this man, I think it would also be detrimental in that he'd finally have to face the unsavory parts of Yui that he tries to ignore or deny. The one pillar in his life having lied to him and egged him on to chase after this pipedream, reassured him that if he's good enough, he'd be acknowledged. Wouldn't that shatter him? Again, I'm not so sure if this is likely - it kind of feels overdramatic, but then again, the deeper we delve into the story, the more those kinds of dramatics start to feel normal.

At any rate, yes, I think he needs a wake up call that will make him see his family for what they are, make him see himself in a different light. And that's just the beginning! I really look forward to our big timeskip to see where we find Kousuke, if he's yet in a place where he can start making these changes to himself, if he's got a security network to push him to make those changes (and if he cares enough to do it lol).

Also yes, yes, very good points about Nol! Nol and Kousuke are definitely foils in that Nol had the kind of nurturing, affectionate childhood that Kousuke lacked. We've seen instances of Nol surrounded by peers his own age and we might be able to assume that, aside from being teased for having such a long name, maybe he actually got along with them? But also, because of the teasing incident, Nol had that safe space in his mother - Nessa comforted him and gave him a nickname to make up for the teasing. We've never once see Kousuke receive such affection, and I just always think about that little flashback where he's in the bush watching Nessa dote on Nol and then Yui appears before him without eyes. It's such a cold relationship, it doesn't feel like it was nurturing. She goes through the motions of being a mother, certainly, but that's the thing - the difference between mother and mom. Nol had a mom, Kousuke had a mother. And we can see that even when Nol was driven by fear, even when he was trying to distance himself, he couldn't help but indulge in those traits his mother passed on to him. He started to care about the friendships that weren't supposed to matter because he's such an empathetic person. He understands loneliness so well, how could he help but reach out to people he thought needed help? But Kousuke never developed those kinds of skills or traits. How is he meant to empathize with or understand people he was literally raised to see himself apart from. They're not like him, they are Other. Literally a formative foundation of the way he views the world!

Light and shadow plays such a role in the ILY universe. Nol is literally in the shadows, but Kousuke thinks that its him who is in the shadow cast by Nol, that he cannot let Nol shine, lest it drown out his own light. I think that really sums up the root of their relationship and their issues: Nol didn't so much want to shine as much as just share that spot with Kousuke. I think at some point he gave up trying to earn Rand's favor and instead sought out Kousuke who was in the same boat as him. But Kousuke thinks only one of them can be in the light and if it's not him, that means it's Nol - Nol who is so undeserving who hasn't put in the same effort as him. Isn't that funny? Kousuke literally was born into privilege, knows he is afforded things most others never will be, knows that he has things others could work for their whole lives and never possess. But he thinks it's Nol who has earned something without making any effort. The irony of it, man.

Don't feel bad about how much you wrote hehehe! I.... also cannot hold back when it comes to anything ILY so I'm delighted to receive equally long messages haha! Looking forward to more fun conversation with you, Lil Anon! And thank you for the well wishes! I'm going to try to make myself do more painting today! Fingers crossed (I am not doing the best job at taking care of myself this week lol I'm hoping some painting will help!)

[spikyshores]

ok, so this is my art blog, and several people followed me after i posted a few madness combat jokes, and i feel bad right now because madness was my special interest for like a year and a half and i feel like i very suddenly just stopped being able to get happiness out of it a few days ago. tl;dr my special interest is likely dying or at least i can't tolerate the feeling of obligation to draw it and i feel guilty for attracting people to this blog expecting that only for me to likely abruptly stop posting about it, so if anyone wants to unfollow over that i understand and won't be offended. sorry. also sorry to everyone who followed me from the start and has to deal with me making tons of fanart for stuff you don't care about whenever i get a new interest. i know it's not actually a big deal but it simply feels that way because i am autistic. thanks.

like i realized i was putting all this energy into caring and basically pathetically simping and getting emotional about missing the premier and then my body just rejected it. i was like why am i suffering so much, why am i doing this? and some part of me i guess got disgusted with myself and decided to just run away. obviously it's actually my mind that rejected it but i'm using the "body" language because that's the way it felt, like just an overwhelming reaction. and i'm actually pretty upset about it because i was pretty deeply emotionally attached and still am and yet my body is rejecting it because i used everything it had to give me up and/or feel trapped or something. really hard to explain. it's also about my feelings of throwing my life away not making good enough original art and not respecting myself enough as an artist to seek out original self expression etc.

i think maybe what happened overall was i committed myself to this one interest for a long time because i was attached and really didn't want to let go even though i should've let go before and then my brain suddenly forced me to stop and also i'm still attached and there's a chance i'll get re-interested but then this will just happen again and it will be a cycle of pain which coincides with the previously-unrelated-but-now-related mood swings i've been having for the past few months. another thing was that i worked hard to reclaim it as an interest over the course of this year because someone kind of involved it in abusing me (that wasn't the main factor, it just became involved because it was my special interest during the relationship and then was used to hurt me at one point) and i had to retrain myself to not associate it with that and this made me more attached as well.

i still haven't watched the live action trailer yet because i like felt pressure to be emotional about it and i'm like not up to making myself get emotional and/or failing to get emotional when i should. like i was excited about it and now it's been out for days and i haven't even watched it because it will hurt. i hope i get truly re-interested in a while, years or something, and then get to watch it and really enjoy it, but i'm scared that, since this happened, i will never be able to enjoy it again??

i hate that the nature of my brain is to love things really hard and then inevitably get tired of them and all that emotion is like... like it was never there and was always meaningless and just a dopamine factory. i know it wasn't meaningless but like i feel committed to things as if they were people and eventually i start to go crazy from feeling trapped due to doing this to myself but it's like i'm incapable of just having a bunch of casual interests and instead one has to become my whole personality for an extended time. god if you're out there i would recommend nerfing autism/ocd combo. awesome to be a person who by nature wants to do the same thing forever but also is extremely sensitive to feelings of being trapped and also can't stand the uncertainty of knowing if losing something will be permanent 😎 <- imagine that is the carter amelia davis version of that emoji

but yeah i really love madness but i like can't keep performing interest anymore or i will go insane. i need the amount of interest that exists naturally to be my only reason for caring and to feel safe with the possibility of that amount dwindling to nothing.

[bcbdrums]

Grasping for the Wind - pt. 5

First Chapter | Previous Chapter Read on: AO3 FFn

A Soul Eater story. It's about Stein and Spirit.

A/N: I don't know if it's clear kinda what's...going on in Stein's head in the battle. I hope it's clear.

Part 5

As if a door had been opened, suddenly the Invisible Man became visible, and about thirty feet distant stood an older but familiar figure. Taller and broader than Spirit, but as pale as Death himself. His flame-colored hair he now wore shaved so closely to his skin it was nearly invisible, giving a strange orange cast to his head. But his red eyes were exactly the same, staring back into his with that arrogant, knowing look.

Stein's grip on the staff tightened. He knew he should strike while he had the chance. But...

"You were one of them..." Spirit said in revelation. "You're one of the students that saw it happen... You watched him kill Sachiko. Why didn't you tell me?"

Stein's hands were sweating. He adjusted his grip.

"I'll let you join me now. You still want to, I can see it. How can you not, with that boring, monotonous life they've trapped you into?"

Stein raised the scythe and took a step forward, but in an instant Griffin was gone again, invisible and silent.

Stein grit his teeth and rushed for the spot, swinging wildly, but he only cut air. He swung again behind him, the blade slicing through the space with a force that would be deadly if it made impact. But the man was gone.

"What are you doing!? This is reckless. We need to get out of here, we can't beat him like this."

"Quiet!"

Stein closed his eyes again, his teeth bared as he listened. A bead of perspiration dripped down his temple and he told himself it was the desert's heat as the sun slowly rose. Not nerves. Not old desires surfacing. Just the heat, and nothing more.

He adjusted his grip again as he nearly lost hold of Spirit as his hands continued to sweat. Since when had the scythe become so heavy?

"You know your life is a waste," Griffin said. Now he seemed to be in front of the dry slough. His voice was echoing less from there, and Stein kept his eyes closed as he took a step nearer the sound. "After graduating you obeyed Death's whims for a few years, and then what? You left to do what you wanted to do, but what do you have to show for it? Years, alone in that lab. All alone. And all for nothing. Your life is meaningless."

Stein took another step and stopped, not wanting to appear as if he was advancing.

"If I can drive him farther from the butte, then I can pinpoint his location more accurately," he said in a whisper.

"It's not going to work! Let it go, Stein. We'll get him when we have a better plan."

"Together we could have been the greatest in academy history. We could have surpassed Death himself, and installed a new order to this world. But no, you wanted to make a death scythe. Lured by the lies of the glory that would come with the feat. Well, congratulations. You did it. The DWMA's greatest meister, they call you. And what of it?"

Stein felt his fingers slipping and held onto the staff tighter. For all of Griffin's apparent spying, he had apparently missed the part where he and Spirit had parted ways for over a decade. He felt the tension in his former partner rising after Griffin had made the error, and suddenly realized it had been rising ever since their old classmate had revealed himself with the vicious attack.

And he further realized, opening his eyes with a start, that the invisible voice was approaching.

"What have you done in all those years Death gave you your freedom? Doing 'what you wanted to do.' Well, now you're back, shackled into the same, boring cycle all over again. Did you ever spend the time wondering what could have been? Knowing what you could have been, if you'd come with me?"

Stein's fingers slipped again, and he planted the base of the staff in front of him in the sand. He wiped his palms one after the other on his coat and then held onto Spirit tightly until his knuckles were white.

---------------

"I screwed up."

"Don't cry, Maka. Papa's here."

"If I had only listened! Soul was right. He said we should run away. He knew we couldn't beat someone that strong. If only I had listened to Soul... Then he wouldn't be...wouldn't be..."

"Don't worry, Maka. Stein will patch him up, good as new, he's good at that."

Spirit looked across the back of the ambulance at Stein, his expression unreadable as he stroked Maka's back.

"Papa promises."

---------------

"Stein? Stein? Hello, you in there?" Naigus said.

Stein set the needle and sutures down on the tray and took off one glove, dropping it in the waste bucket. He reached up and turned the screw in his head slowly, once...twice.

The fight against the Demon Sword had been elating. A part of himself that he'd been forced to forget for years felt alive again in those moments when he resonated with the soul that was as familiar to him as his own.

Except that it wasn't anymore. That fight had just been an echo of the past.

Stein moved his hand briefly to the scar on his face, and an involuntary shiver raced across his skin. It was tender, as if fresh, and he wondered if his old wounds hadn't bled and he had just failed to notice.

They weren't in sync, he and Spirit. Their souls were still worn and frayed at the seams due to the choices he'd made, meant for their good, but choices that ultimately drove them apart.

He'd sacrificed a gift he'd never thought possible for himself to pursue his own ambitions. And what did he have to show for it?

He craved dissection as if it were the only spring in a vast desert. He knew it was madness, and for five years he had let the tantalizing hints of something greater be his excuse to bring that madness down upon his partner. Upon someone he had allowed himself to trust, and for reasons he never understood, had reciprocated that trust.

But now, thanks to him...

'I screwed up.'

Thanks to him, the only real friend he'd ever had lie dying. Unless he could do the opposite of what every fiber of his being drove him toward.

"Stein? Stein!"

His hand had returned to the screw, turning and turning, the installation being the self-induced permanent punishment he had judged himself deserving of for his crimes.

If he had only listened to the correct voice. If he had ignored the distraction of Griffin's verbal attack upon his life, and the futile, vain promises...

The weapon had followed selfish ambition, and it had transformed the revolving door of madness into a bottomless pit. It had cost him the potential life he could have lived. And it had cost him the life of his meister.

Stein had walked in and out of that door too many times in his lonely existence. It had already cost him his partner and friend...

Had it cost him everything?

"Stein!"

Naigus had set her gloved hand on his shoulder now to snap him out of it, and he stopped turning the screw to look down at where her hand lay. Spirit's blood was once again on his shoulder.

"How ironic."

"...What is?"

Spirit was right, and he had known it at the time. The argument itself was bitter evidence that they weren't in sync anymore.

Spirit never argued with him in battle. Even when he could feel the wavering disagreement in his soul, he never argued and never questioned. He allowed Stein the lead as meister and only spoke up if he felt it was important, which would clue Stein in to listen. Likewise, Stein didn't argue with him. They kept each other in check, as it should be, and the unity of their wavelengths had at one time been the envy of all at the academy. The trust they had in one another that he failed to fully comprehend was at its utmost when they were fighting, when resonating.

But it had been absent that morning. It was his fault. In a horrifying anti-climax to everything he had worked toward— now, just like Griffin, he had killed his meister.

He turned the screw.

"I screwed up. If I had listened..."

"Stein."

Naigus released his shoulder, and he watched as she changed her glove and then offered him a clean one as well.

"He's not dead."

Stein released a trembling breath. He let the slow rhythm of the heart monitor be his new point of focus and looked down. There was no beauty here, in the deep wounds inflicted through jealousy and hate.

He broadened his focus, away from the details of the injuries and everything beneath the skin that called to him and to the knowledge that this was the body of his friend. He let his eyes rise to Spirit's face again, tight with pain even through the anesthetic.

"He needs you."

He met Naigus's hand over Spirit's body and took the glove. His own life still would not have a happy ending. But if it was within his control...at least it would not end like Griffin's.

[xxx-calibur]

It was strange. For the past week, the Snow Queen's darker half had been oddly docile. No longer threatening to freeze people for petty offenses, no longer making ridiculous demands of their Master for indulgent luxuries "befitting Our status as Queen" as the older woman would put it. No, she had been downright pleasant, genial even, laughing and smiling in simple honest joy. The difference like night and day. It was maddening: how could someone so set in their ways as Astrid change so suddenly? Gerda just had to get to the bottom of this mystery.

It had taken some digging, but she had managed to learn some key details. Alibaba, an Alter Ego-class Servant, had been seen with Astrid during her times of possession incredibly frequently. The lead wasn't much, but it was enough to narrow her search. So, later that day, she would corner Alibaba, and she would force him to tell her what, exactly, he had done to render the evil queen so docile. If she had to, she would wring every last drop of information from his body by force.

Of course, for a woman to approach the Prince of Thieves, making demands and threatening to "wring him dry", well, there was truly only one way for such a story to end, wasn't there?~

"Hmm... You know, you're familiar, Snow miss, but Alibaba just can't remember, you know? Its okay though, cause even if you are cold your pussy's super nice and warm, ya know? Be sure to wring Alibaba dry lots when I come inside, you know?"

Indeed, there was only one true way for this story to end: with Gerda pressed to the very self-same wall that she had trapped him against and getting plowed like there was no tomorrow. Her hair and her fine dress provided the perfect reigns for him to pull back on and drive himself as deep as he possibly could with each and every thrust. The worst part, perhaps? As Gerda was no doubt experiencing bliss like no other Alibaba was lost in thought, more so concerned with the nagging memory of just who she might be.

Ah well. It probably wasn't too important if he couldn't remember.

With no pesky thoughts to bother him he'd return to utterly ruining this woman, his dick gouging out and reshaping her pussy to better fit and serve him. Strangely enough it wasn't as much a task as it usually was, like he'd already been inside her before, but if he didn't know who she was that obviously wasn't the case, you know? Even stranger still was as he came inside her over and over, her Saint's Graph already had his mark upon it. If anything that just proved he had slept with her before.

"Ugh, you're so confusing miss Snow. At least your holes are worth filling up." Resigning himself to never figuring out this peculiar coincidence he'd merely sigh, bring his palm across her cool ass and keep going that lovely cycle of orgasmic bliss that, unbeknownst to him, had won him two women for the price of one.

[voregeoise]

Forgotten

I good friend of mine said amnesia is a good trope in vore. Which gave me the thought of what if the prey was the one with amnesia? Enjoy!

Slight warning, this is very much not fluff.

----

Do you not remember me?

I'm your friend! You've known me for years! Why do you not recognize me? What happened?

Why are you scared of me?

Why did you hurt me?

I tried to get close to you and... you stabbed me in the side. You're still holding that blood stained dagger. I gave you that knife as a gift, now it's covered in my blood. Why? I know you got hit in the head... but please... don't forget me...

The wound wont kill me, its far from lethal for my kind. But it hurts, in a lot of different ways.

I don't know what to do... I've got you cornered, but I don't want to... but if I don't block you... you'll run off, and might not ever come back.. even if it scares you.

God.. it must be terrifying for you if you really have forgotten me. To be trapped in a corner by a monstrous thing like me, even if we were friends mere hours ago. You know what I am, and what my kind does to your kind.

I wonder if you remember that I've done it to you before. To devour you whole, it was always such an intimate and close thing for us to do, hold you with my whole being, to have you trust me to do such a thing, and now you've forgotten it.

I take another step forward and you point the knife at me. A drop of blood falls from it's tip and lands on the ground. Your breathing is heavy and shaky, you're staring right at me.

I can't let you keep that knife, you're going to end up hurting me again. Or worse.

I take one more step towards you. You make a dash for an escape, I don't let you. I grab you by the throat. You swing around and thrust the knife at me again but I grab your arm before you can get another hit on me.

"D-Drop it!" I order with a wince.

You do. With a thud the bloody knife falls on to the ground. There's tears in both of our eyes, with you now completely defenseless against me and me having to restrain you like this.

I pull you in close to me and embrace you. You're struggling and begging for your life. I wish I could explain that you aren't in danger, but you wouldn't believe me, not in this state.

I hold you there in a hug for a long time, but your struggles and pleas never slowed. Just kept trying to wiggle out of my grasp.

I can't risk it, i can't risk you getting away, I need you, I can't have you leave. I need you close. I know what I have to do, I don't want to do it, but I have to.

I'm so sorry.

You stop struggling as my open maw waits above you, your tears turn to sobs, pleas turn soft, there's a feeling of hopelessness in your voice. It pains me.

As your face presses against my toungue I realize that your sweet taste isn't there, just the salt of tears and a bitter aftertaste. The feeling of love and trust isn't there, it makes me sick to my core.

I force you deeper, my only consolation is that you aren't struggling, I wish I could thank you for making this easy. My throat stretches in uncomfortable ways, this isn't anything like the other times we've done this. I loved doing this with you, but I hate doing it like this.

I try and swallow, you're pushed a little further down, another gulp sends you a little further, and again and again and again. This cycle goes on for far too long, until your form finally drops into my stomach. You're safe in there, but you wouldn't believe me. You just curled up in a ball and sobbed to yourself.

I can only do the same.

I beg you to trust me, to forgive me, to remember me.

Please trust me, we've done this so many times and you've never been hurt. Please remember me, you've been within me so many times, it has to be familiar to you.

Please forgive me... I'm sorry..

I'm so sorry..