#the things i should be doing make me feel guilty

[finelinevogue]

safe with me

summary - you say 'yes' to being intimate with azriel when you really mean ‘no', because your past relationship taught you that saying 'yes' is the only answer

word count - 1.2k

pairing - azriel x mate!reader

[ reference to past abusive relationship - read with care 🤎 ]

It was the dark of night.

Everyone was in bed except you and Azriel, because you'd both lost track of time staying up and talking about everything and nothing. It was a habit you were both readily guilty of. Neither of you cared, though, when your conversations only made the bond stronger.

Azriel held the bedroom door open for you as you walked through first.

"Do you have training in the morning?" You asked him, walking over to your side of the bed.

You picked up the small tin of body cream there, scooping some up so you could apply it to your hands. It smelt of roses and reminded you of the endless walks through the garden you'd had with Azriel over the years.

"I do, yes. Cassian wants to show the priestesses some new defence techniques. He asked me to help him demonstrate."

Azriel locked the bedroom door and rounded the opposite side of the bed to you - his side, you both now called it.

You watched intensely as he lifted his black shirt over his head.

His muscles stretched and rippled as his body moved. His arms lengthened and the veins popped as he lifted his hands above his head.

You swallowed your desire as you admired him.

Due to Azriel's slight compulsive tendencies, he couldn't just throw his shirt on the floor. Instead, he neatly folded it and placed it on the dressing table.

You don't know what was more attractive; Azriel stripping down or Azirel being neat and tidy.

"It's rude to stare, you know?" He teased you as he came back to bed, lifting the covers to slip underneath.

"I wasn't staring." You blushed.

"Tell that to your cheeks."

You smiled to yourself as you stood up to untuck the covers on your side of the bed, before slipping in beside your mate.

The moment you were laid down Azriel attacked you with a flurry of kisses - probably the sweetest type of attack you could endure.

His lips kissed your cheeks repeatedly, making you laugh out loud from the suddenness of it all. You tried to move away and turn a cheek, but he was too insistent on loving you to notice.

He did notice, however, when your laugh started to fade away as he continued to kiss from your cheek to your neck.

Your mind was spinning a million miles an hour, trying to figure out how you were feeling and if you wanted this innocent kissing to turn into something more intimate. The fact that you were hesitating was enough for you to mentally agree that you didn't want to do anything this evening, but conveying that to your mate was an entire different thing.

"Okay?" He asked, slowly kissing over the sweet spot on your neck that normally got you going.

Unfortunately your mind was being cruel.

Instead of being here and in the room with Az, you had been transported back to the same situation with an ex-male of yours. He had initiated an evening much like Azriel was doing, but he knew you weren't particularly feeling it. Instead of accepting your answer of 'no', he had convinced you that you were "just confused" and "this is something you actually want" and to "just say yes".

You hadn't wanted to say yes at all.

But your ex had been so good at manipulating you that he had eventually gotten what he wanted without making it seem non-consensual.

Azriel, being ever so perceptive, could tell you were caving in on yourself, as well as feeling your heartbeat quicken and his shadows picked up on your hesitance and nervous energy. All of it together sent Azriel major red alarms.

"Hey, sweetheart, hey?"

Azriel's face was hovering above yours now, nowhere near your neck but you hadn't even realised he had moved away.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

You looked in his eyes and saw their concern. You didn't want to worry him. This is something that Azriel wants and that should be enough, right?

"Mhm."

You couldn't convince yourself to say the word 'yes' out loud. You couldn't do that to yourself again.

Azriel's hand cupped your cheek so softly you thought you were made out of porcelain. He looked through you before he spoke - his shadows enclosing around you so that you could just focus on each other and nothing else.

"Sweetheart, you're allowed to say no. You know that."

You blinked a few times as if that would help register what he'd just said.

"But..." You stuttered, "But you want to."

Azriel furrowed his eyebrows and tried to keep himself calm. If it weren't for needing to reassure and comfort you right now, he would very quickly dress in his battle armour and take out every male who had ever wrongly taught you about consent.

How someone could let themselves not take care of you if you weren't feeling up to being intimate is beyond his comprension.

Azriel shook his head, gritting his teeth. "That's not how it works with me."

Your eyes started to water as they were opened to understanding what true consent feels like and should be. Azriel was doing the absolute bare minimum in this situation and yet it felt like the most monumental thing to have happened.

"It’s just... When I was with... him, it didn’t matter if I wanted to or not. What he wanted was all that mattered. And I-I guess I just learned to go along with it."

"Well that stops right now." Azriel said, "That's not how we're going to do things, okay? How you feel is more important to me than getting off. Mother above, how does someone even get off if the other person isn't feeling it? Sweetheart, if you’re not sure, then we stop. Always."

A little teardrop fell onto your cheek, but you couldn't help but smile with how loved and protected you felt right now.

You could tell that Azriel was absolutely heartbroken to hear about your past relationships, but he would be damned if he didn't change the wrongs of your thinking. Knowing that your comfort is his priority filled your heart with joy, because it meant that you were safe with him. Safe with your mate.

“I didn’t realise how scared I was to tell you no. I was so sure it would make you angry, or-or disappointed.”

Azriel shook his head again, “The only thing that would ever disappoint me is you thinking you have to hide how you feel. You’re safe with me. I promise."

You nodded in agreement because you did believe him.

You could feel his trust and his assuredness within the bond.

"Can we just cuddle?" You asked shyly.

"Of course we can." Azriel smiled, kissing your forehead for good measure. "Only after I kill your ex..."

You didn't think he was being serious until he started to get up off you and shuffle out of bed. Laughing, you tugged on his arm and because he wasn't expecting it he landed with an oomph on top of you.

"You'll do no such thing."

"We'll see about that." He scoffed, trying again.

"See about it in the morning?" You counter offered, knowing there was nothing you could do to stop him from defending your honour - overprotective mate.

"Fine." He flopped back down on the bed and made room for you to cosy in next to him.

His wings finally wrapped around you, ensuring your safety as the both of you drifted off to sleep, the weight of your confession making it easier to sleep at night. All the while, Azriel stayed up planning his vengeance.

[magnificent-buckless-butt]

Wait. Seriously, hold on. This post is hunting me right now because I think I can finally put my fingers on why USA Christianity is weirding me out since the beginning.

As an European, it baffles me how much of the population identify as Christians while acting and saying things like they've never read the Bible in the first place. Except they did, in some extant, because they're the one that quote it so often (we don't do that here, we might refer to a specific part but don't really quote the Bible?). So why, why do they act as if they never read love your neighbor, give the other cheek, Father forgive them etc.?

Because they want to be warriors actually. They want a wrathful God. And there is God's anger in the Bible, there is the wrath of God that must appealed and you must always feel guilty and ask for forgiveness*. But comes Jesus and what he says is basically 'no more'. No more wrath, no more anger, no more warriors. But humans love raging war.

And we fucking did throughout the whole history of Christians actually. You start by saying you're a warrior of Christ, that your virtue is your sword, your faith is your shield and so one. It's nice: you're being a good believer AND you get to have this badass, very virilis imagery of the warrior. But! If you're lucky enough, you'll even have a real war against some "pagans" (really, you don't have to worry about the specifics) and then! Ouh boy, you get to be a real warrior. Everything is perfect.

Which brings us to: why are these people not changing faith/God? Pick another, more angry God/deity or simply go with a "personal faith away from human's restricting religion". Answer: because it's so fucking hard. I'm studying theology so hard and sometimes it happens that I find Catholicism restricting, too verbose or too specific. Except I can't just ditch "my" religion. (To be fair, I also really don't want to because I decided to fight from the heart of the Church but that's another subject. Oh, and notice how I used fight --even I can't refrain from the manly warrior)

Okay, so what do we do? Well I say, we piss them off. And we do so by celebrating the fucking amazingness that is God made human just to fucking die. Jesus never won by any human standards. He was the ultimate loser. And ain't that absolutely beautiful? And humbling? How can you hate the Mexican who takes your job if God tell you to wash his feet as if you're below him? How can you decide who deserves right if you God tell you that you should strip yourself for a random stranger? I say we fight back by being unapologetically happy that God died for us. Not guilty. Happy. It's so, so beautiful that They love us so much and only want us to replicate a fraction of Their love to everyone we encounter. That we have to make ourselves a bit uncomfortable so a stranger can be a whole lot comfortable. That we have to renounce privileges and luxury so all human beings can have the exact same things and opportunities. That it is shameful to try to be better than anyone else. That it is shameful to try to be successful on our own because we're supposed to uplift everyone else before ourselves. That it is shameful not to be empathetic, vulnerable, open about our weaknesses etc.

So anyway, thanks OP because now I'm even more filled with spite that will fuels my love so I can spite their hatred.

*okay side note since you're still here: this is why in the first centuries, there was a heretic branch of Christianity very adamant on separating the Old testament God to the new gospel God.

[lvrrgirlll]

Knight in Shining Armor

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Pairing: medieval princess ! reader x knight ! Patrick Zweig

Word count: 3k

Warnings: smut, p in v, fem reader, knives mentioned (briefly in a nightmare?), some Christian biblical imagery and mentions of sin/religious related guilt (I was playing into the whole medieval royalty thing idk)

Notes: Thank you guys for all the love on the moodboard/little blurb on this!!! Without all the support I wouldn’t have been inspired to go crazy and write this (I fear this will seem like the most pretentious fic ever written bc I really lent into the medieval thing so the language feels kinda crazy at some points…idk, if y’all were rocking with the last one, you’ll probably rock with this lol) Enjoy!!

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

You did your best to avoid Patrick in court the following days. You were unsure if you could even face him after your dream. But, of course, nothing can last forever. An attempted attack on your wing of the castle (which was, thankfully, stopped by the valiance of Sir Patrick) led to a change that would greatly affect your fate.

As you entered the grand hall of the castle to take your seat in court, you noticed Sir Patrick in his armor —something rather unusual to see in the castle, though you didn't mind— speaking to your father, metal helmet in hand. Your father had always favored Patrick, you presumed for his determination and natural swagger, and acted as such. He was the head knight of the royal guard and spoke with the King frequently. Taking notice of your presence, your father addressed you whilst you curtsied. “Good daughter, what fortune you arrive now of all times. In light of the attack on your wing, I have decided to appoint Sir Patrick himself to be your personal guard. Your safety is of the utmost importance to me and this entire kingdom. It is only right I appoint our best knight.” Your father smiled warmly at Patrick then.

“I thank you, your majesty,” Patrick bows before the King. “I shall be prepared to risk my life for the life of our princess.” At that, he turns to you, offering a look so secretly smug you have trouble maintaining your composure. You simply smile and nod, silently acknowledging the workings of your father and the knight that now create a great dilemma for you.

“Father, I am suddenly feeling quite faint. Might I take my leave and rest for the afternoon?” You just want to get away from him. He’s dangerous. You can hardly control yourself around him. And what’s worse is he knows it.

Your father, concerned, approves of your leave, though you feel dismayed when Sir Patrick follows you. “I am perfectly capable of making my way back, myself. Thank you, sir,” you offer, trying to be as strict as you can, for your own sake more than his.

“M’lady, perhaps you did not understand. As your personal guard, I am tasked with protecting you at all times. This would require that I be with you at all times. The King wills it so.” He speaks formally though his tone is far too pleased to be merely dutiful. You had not considered that. Sighing, you merely nod in understanding before turning again to return to your room.

In your room, Patrick takes his station directly outside the door. “I am only a moment away. Do not hesitate should you need me.” He may not know exactly how you may need him…

You nod, though, smiling softly before closing the door, creating a divide between the two of you. You are overcome by desire. You feel dirty, guilty, and wrong…but you know he feels the same. And he is noble; he is a gentleman…would it be so bad if you acted on your feelings? God, you feel foolish. You have hardly spoken to him in the years he has served at the castle. What feelings could you really be harboring?

Sick of your racing thoughts, you resolve that a nap would be the best right now. In your sleep, though, you dream of enemies breaking through your windows and climbing up the tower of your wing. It is utterly terrifying. You can feel yourself stirring, heart racing and sweating profusely, as your subconscious plays tricks on you. In your nightmare, a cloaked figure, face hidden in the shadows of his hood, plunges a dagger through your heart, causing you to lurch awake with a loud cry. You are breathing heavily, trying to adjust to your new, real surroundings and shake the terror of the dream when you hear Sir Patrick through the door.

“Your Majesty? Are you alright…?” You do not answer, still shaken and attempting to compose yourself. “I am entering, m'lady.” And before you can tell him not to, that you’re alright, Patrick burst through the door, already reaching for his sword. Seeing you are merely sat in bed, his urgency leaves him, concern taking over. “Is there not a threat?” He observes, then, the state you are in. Dressed only in your thin, white nightgown (which has grown somewhat see-through on account of your nightmare induced sweat soaking through the fabric), Patrick is reduced to nothing but a mere man in love, forgetting himself entirely. Unbeknownst to you, he adjusts himself in his trousers, clearing his throat.

The room is illuminated only by the cold, pale light of the moon shining through your large paned windows. Shadows dance across his features as a breeze blows the trees outside steadily. He has never looked more beautiful. Both concern and lust play on his face, leaving you to squirm just a bit more than you normally would have under his gaze. Looking down then, you reply, embarrassed. “Forgive me for my foolishness. There is no present threat. I am sorry to have wasted your time and effort, good sir.” You bow your head in remorse. This on its own is a sign of you respect for the knight before you. Technically, he should be bowing to you, but under his gaze you feel so small, yet so regarded at the same time. It is unlike with any other man, though it is rare you interact with many often anyways. You lift your head, meeting his eyes again and feeling your stomach flip.

A pang of guilt runs through you as you realize you are noticeably smiling at him. Despite his nobility, you believe the two of you would never be. The only way your union: emotional, physical, spiritual, or (more officially) marital would ever occur would be if your father willed it. And though Sir Patrick was your father’s right hand man, it was the relationship of that of an employer and his best employee, not that of father and son nor of old companions.

Your smile dropped and so did his. He knew what he was doing, his silent, unspoken, but clear pursuit of you ever since that fateful night was wrong. But he did not care. He had no regard for his own life or death, he was a knight, after all. He risked himself for this kingdom, he would be willing to risk himself for you. He brought a hand up, cupping your face in his large palm, and offering you a sorry smile. “To defend you, threat or no threat, is my life’s honor, m’lady. You have wasted nothing of mine.” His hand brushed your ear as he tucked your hair behind it. Seeing you with your hair down for the first time was something entirely new to him, similar to when you first saw him shirtless that night. In typical court fashion, you would never leave your chambers with your hair fully down. Seeing you so bare, so honest, and unadorned felt novelty. He was grateful for his wit, being able to convince the King that he should serve you personally.

You, however, were so deeply conflicted. You knew better. Your station in society as well as in life did not allow for these endeavors. But your mind, you body, your heart…they longed for your knight in shining armor. His touch, though somewhat chaste, only holding your head in his hands, felt deeply intimate. You considered your options. “Sir, might I ask your discretion in asking a favor?” Your felt fearful of your own desires, but conjured up as much confidence as possible.

“Always, m’lady.”

You tugged your bottom lip into your mouth for a moment, before continuing. “M- might you…kiss me?” It was hard to maintain your composure, overcome with shame as you looked up pleadingly into his eyes. It was only the two of you in your bedchamber, the door closed —yet another forbidden thing.

Softening, a smirk gracing his features, he sighed. “I would be a fool not to.” This was exactly what he had been wanting since he first saw a portrait of you. The strength required of his position kept his feelings concealed, but in this one, small moment alone with you, he could reveal them. He leaned in slowly, closing the gap between you as his lips move against yours feverishly. You can feel his tongue dart out and wet your bottom lip, but you pull away quickly before he is able to deepen the kiss.

“I am sorry. This is…” you search for the words, not wanting to be so harsh but wanting to be clear. “This is sinful.” Your eyes meet his, pleading for him to offer you a reprieve from your consuming feelings by distancing himself. Though, that twinkle behind your eyes and in the corner of your lips betrayed you. He could see you had fallen for him the same as he for you.

He takes a seat next to you on your bed, looking into your eyes earnestly. “If I it is a sin to touch you, I would become a sinner every day till I am dragged to hell, should you allow me?” He was begging you to let him touch you, feel you, love you. And who would you be to deny him?

You were quiet for a moment, considering your fate and whether or not you would be able to find absolution after giving in. Throwing caution to the wind, you allow yourself, for once, to make your own decisions. "Please, good sir. Touch me. Take me, for I am all yours."

He wasted no time, leaning in to kiss you, his armor clanging against itself as he did so. The kiss was passionate, the years of admiring you from afar being poured out in this one moment. Breaking the kiss, suddenly, he stood, leaving you confused until he began swiftly removing his armor. He made sure to set each piece down gently, so as not to alert and servants lingering nearby of his presence in your chambers. You tried to stifle your smile as his form was revealed more and more with each layer of metal gone. It was new and exciting, and his gentleness despite his clear eagerness was unbelievably admirable.

Once he had removed it all, clad only in a white linen undershirt and trousers, he returned to your bed, leaning over you and pulling you into another deep kiss. This time, he slipped his tongue into your mouth, licking softly into it, his nose brushing against your cheek as he pressed closer into you, as if he longed for your two bodies to be one. It was impossible to be any closer, but you did not mind one bit. Though timid at first, your kisses matched his fervor. You could feel his calloused hand combing through your hair as his other snuck lower, carressing you through your nightgown. You let out a shivered breath at his touch.

"Is this alright, my lady?" He pulled back, looking into your eyes longingly. God, forgive you, but you needed this so badly. You both did.

You nodded, lifting your hips to gather your nightgown up and off of you, casting it aside carelessly. Now, you really felt exposed. But something about Patrick made you want to feel honest; made you want to seek pleasure shamelessly. His eyes widened in tandem with his smirk. He was so pleased and so in love.

"I've never...I-...I'm a virgin," you admitted, looking up at him through your thick lashes. His smile only widened, but not in some sort of sick, smarmy way. It was genuine and kind.

"Oh, I know, your highness. Or...I imagined as much. Not to worry, I am well aware of how to please a woman," he spoke softly, trying not to intimidate you. You would have taken offense at his mention of his previous experience, but you had imagined he was experienced in the first place, as many men and knights of his age are by now. It is different for you, a princess, always expected to remain pure. With him, you did not fear impurity after this. You felt strongly that you would steadfast remain pure in his eyes till the end of time.

He leaned in again, placing hot kisses along your neck. He moved to remove his trousers as he did so, working at the string that held them up quickly. As he did so, your fingers found their way to the tie that held his shirt together, pulling at the string with a new confidence, you brought your hands to the hem and he pulled away from your neck to remove his shirt. Both his bandages and bruises were gone, a good sign, but there was a scar where he had been scratched, a reminder of your previous encounter.

His trousers finally hanging low around his legs, he teased himself around your entrance, causing you to jolt and whimper beneath him. The feeling was entirely foreign but oh so enchanting. He reached a hand down, running his fingers through your folds, smirking at the wetness that gathered on his fingers. "You are like the Lady of The Lake...beautiful, otherworldly, and so, so wet..." Patrick murmured lustfully. It was such a dirty compliment, but you were so deeply moved.

Like your dream, you were both under your layers upon layers of white sheets, so warm, close, and intimate. His fingers danced around your clit, circling it at an agonizingly slow pace. You gasped, sucking in a breath quickly and biting your lip so as not to make any more sound. He did not miss this, leaning in to peck you on the lips before reminding you "The walls are stone, the door thick oak and iron. We should be cautious, yes, but you mustn't be embarrassed to make a sound. It is better, in fact, if you do."

His reassurance brought a smile to your face as you dropped your lip from your teeth, a sign that you were allowing yourself the honesty you so craved with Patrick. He resumed his hand movements around your most sensitive spot, causing you to let out a symphony of high pitched gasps. His fingers moved away then, moving down and slipping inside of you, first one, then another. The stretch was unfamiliar and hurt a bit, something your scrunched eyebrows didn't hide, but he did not move them for a moment, allowing you to adjust. "All will be well," he cooed into your ear, lips brushing against your skin. "I just need to warm you up."

His fingers began to move, first only in and out at a steady pace, but soon replaced by him scissoring his fingers deep inside of you, your walls squuezing him tightly. "Good sir..." you sighed in pleasure.

"Patrick," he corrected. "You may call me by my God given name: Patrick."

"Patrick..." you sighed again as he quickened the pace of his fingers. To your surprise, though, he pulled his fingers out abruptly. You almost protested, but he swiftly replaced his fingers with his cock, pushing lightly at your entrance.

"May I," he asked, looking into you eyes unwaveringly.

"Please," you nearly moaned in response. He followed your request, sheathing himself inside of you slowly, allowing you time to adjust to the thickness and length that so differed from that of his fingers. He watched your reaction carefully, taking in the way your breath hitches and your eyes flutter shut, eyebrows knitting together in both pleasure and pain. You inhaled sharply as he bottoms out, feeling as if he was practically prodding at your stomach.

"Are you ready for me to move," he inquired, eyes lidded and breathing already heavy in awe of you beneath him.

Looking up at him then, as if he were an angel or possibly some type of temptation sent by the devil that you had so easily fallen for, like Eve and the apple, you yearned to take a bite. "Patrick," it felt unfamiliar to address him so informally, but there was an undeniable intimacy in doing so as well. "If I should wait any longer it may kill me."

With that, he began moving, his pace quick but not agonizing, instead quite tender. You cried out, moans, sighs, and gasps leaving your lips repeatedly as his hips met yours time and time again. His gaze didn't leave yours, except when he would close his eyes, losing himself in a particularly deep thrust. His skin on yours was warm, a stark difference from your naturally cold body. "God, Princess, you are better than I've ever imagined."

The thought that he had imagined this with you made you feel elated, but you couldn't even bring yourself to offer a witty reply, overtaken by pleasure. "P- Patrick," you moaned, your whole body feeling hot suddenly. He quickened his pace just a bit, leaning in to suck at your neck as his other hand came up to toy with your hardened nipples. It felt so sinful but so perfect and right. How could something this good ever be wrong?

At his added touch, hips still pistoning in and out of you, it all felt like too much. Your stomach began to tighten, walls clenched tightly around him, bringing him to an almost sorry state as his jaw went slack, eyes closing suddenly and his thrusts becoming sloppier. It was impossible to restrain yourself as your hips began bucking up to meet his. "Please, please, please," you didn't even know what you were asking for but you knew you needed it.

"I'm there too, Princess. Come on, let's finish together..." he moved his hand from your chest to you clit, rubbing swift circles as he slammed his hips into yours. Pleasure finally overtook you entirely as you fluttered around him, body stiffening and falling weak as you reach your high. He pulled out of you quickly, his hand moving to finish himself off lazily on your stomach through stifled grunts. When you were both completely spent, he momentarily laid next to you in bed, both of you looking up at the grand vaulted ceilings of your bedchambers.

"Thank you, Patrick, for showing me a kindness I should never know how to repay," you whisper softly. He sits up slightly, turning to you and offering a chaste kiss to your cheek.

"You should never have to 'repay' me. After all, I live to serve you, my dear Princess."

[avonne-writes]

This hit me in the soft squishy parts :( I feel for Bucky so much. I know they're both hurting, but with Bucky's initial attempt at actual proper communication and Gale's very visceral reaction it must really feel like whiplash after Gale teaching him how to do that in the first place - not to mention triggering his abandonment issues.

Is there anything you'd like to share about how Bucky feels during this time about Gale's behaviour?

Who is it that raises divorce as a possibility?

You don't have to answer all or any of this of course, but I do love this au so much.

Re: this post

Thank you so much for the questions, I like discussing these more serious topics. ❤️ I could talk about this for several pages, but I tried to summarize some key points.

Yes, absolutely - while Gale feels like he has been betrayed, his visceral reaction is like a slap in turn. Bucky doesn’t expect it. It hurts him, and he finds it unfair.

During this fight, Bucky's confidence takes a big blow. He doesn’t know anymore if he can predict Gale's reaction to things as surely as he used to think he could. He wants to backtrack (his need to appease Gale) but he also doesn’t (his need to have a conversation). All the personal development he has gone through is now up against his fears and insecurities. Should he back down or risk losing everything?

But he also feels guilty, because yes, he knows that Gale doesn’t want kids and yes, in 15 years of a relationship, Bucky never once told him that his desire to have one (or a few) has been growing over the years. He never thought to push the subject seriously - the most he did was telling Gale he'd be a cute dad and letting Gale brush it off with a playful "come off it".

It feels like something so easily avoided going terribly wrong. An issue that he now thinks he could have prevented with easy changes in the past, but younger Bucky and Gale didn’t have the foresight, nor did it seem easy at the time to act any differently. Bucky at 17, 18, 22 was more likely to just go with the flow in general and he truly convinced himself that he didn’t really want kids either. And once you aligned yourself with something, it’s harder to express a change of opinion than to choose the other option in the first place. Bucky marinates in this guilt, regret and helplessness cycle during the fight.

At the same time, once the conflict is well underway, he's really angry with Gale for acting out. He knows Gale's petty side very well but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with it. Whenever Gale gives him the cold shoulder or fucks off on his bike, Bucky wants to scream at him or punch something.

When they actively fight, it gets really painful sometimes and grows past the issue of whether they want to have children or not. They need to apologize for the things they throw at each other's heads during these fights before they could move on to the actual discussion.

And then, of course, Bucky continues feeling a lot of love for Gale, and he longs for him constantly during this time. Not for angry, hurt Gale, but for the Gale who pulls Bucky's head to his chest, holds him close and murmurs the nicest things until the world feels bearable again. The Gale who sets up an opportunity for one of Bucky's silly jokes and then laughs as if he didn’t expect it. The Gale who asks him if Bucky really thinks he’s good enough for NASA, the Gale who smiles into his coffee when he feels Bucky's eyes on him.

Bucky has emotional support from Curt (and his mom, but he doesn’t want to share the issue with her), but nevertheless, these complicated emotions are not easy to deal with.

They never say the word "divorce" to each other. Gale never even implies it during the fight, but they both think about it, Bucky with fear and Gale with despair. Bucky's the one who acknowledges that it hangs between them, but he always calls it "leaving". Gale understands it all the same.

[pastelince]

(Complete stranger here, so feel free to ignore if this misses the point of the post. 💦)

It does suck feeling that way, yeah. It took me a long time to not worry as much about the amount of diversity there is in my OCs. Idk if it's that much of a bother for you, but I think I get what you're laying down.

The rest of the post is me rambling. I am terribly sorry,

I think somewhere down the line, the criticism for a lack of representation for race, gender, body type, disabilities, etc, aimed at large studios and companies got lost? Or at least applied to people who are just hobbyists, if that makes sense?

There's nothing wrong with wanting more variety. It's always good to take the opportunity to go outside your comfort zone or experiment with different types of character / research different types of people.

But, I've seen a good few fellow artists worry about having too much of one type of OC or another. As if it's somehow a mistake or failing on their part to not have at least X, Y, or Z, thing. (This includes things like adding/making someone white/cis/abled/etc, not just underrepresented groups.)

I really don't think it's something the average artist should burden themselves with as much as I've seen. Art is an expression of yourself and experiences; It will naturally have biases and unique traits in it.

One shouldn't feel bad or guilty for creating for or from themselves with these biases. Sometimes, it's not about the audience. Sometimes, you want to make what you want to see in the world! Or what you've seen yourself! And that is 100% okay! You obviously don't need my permission but, You do you dude!! 👍

in some ways I feel bad that if my furry characters were to be drawn human I don't think any of them would be white they would most likely be black or any person of color.

and I go

"I need to make someone white 😭😭😭"

but as a black guy I'm kinda just making characters based off people I've seen irl especially as someone who grew up in predominantly black/mixed race populated schools.

[oogaboogaspookyman]

So i've been having thoughts...

[EVERYTHING]

Another day, another thing to fight over. N is getting tired of this.

"NO NO NO, YOU CHEATED! YOU DEFINETLY CHEATED! YOU DESERVE THOSE EXTRA CARDS I MADE YOU PICK UP!" Uzi pointed fingers at V, who's currently at the front with one lone card. Yes they're playing Uno.

"I AM NOT CHEATING, YOU ROTTEN GRAPE, I'M ALLOWED TO PUT DOWN MORE THAN ONE CARD AT ONCE!" And V pointed fingers back at Uzi like she's being discriminated.

N just spaced out, looking at the front of him with half-lidded, tired eyes like a parent hearing siblings fight over the Xbox. At this point, nobody would deserve to hold the controller and it would be given away to someone more competent than the two of them, more deserving.

Meanwhile Cyn, Uzi's tail, is coiled around a can of oil. She's sipping from it like a kitty cat.

Right in front of my oil can, too. Annoyed expression.

N knows what to do, but it's gonna hurt and be slightly out of character for him, being the golden retriever of the group...

The entrance door to the bunker opens swiftly, and out comes a flying pair of Uzi and V, soon after faceplanting onto the snow ground.

"You're getting back in once you get along, or when it's getting late and i feel like you should get in." And right after N's first piece of dialogue, he closes the door on them.

The pair of girls looked at the now closed door to the bunker liked puppies having been thrown outside. Man N really did that, huh?

Strike one.

"zip it- Yeah! Sure! Whatever N, it's not like we need you or anything!" Uzi shouted back, trying to hide the hurt in the fact she's been pretty disciplined by her own fucking boyfriend.

"Careful with your words, rat." And V, being someone that cares about N a whole awful lot, bit back defensively.

Strike two.

"What are you, her girlfriend now? That's me!" Uzi you're way too smug.

And here we go.

"I USED TO HAVE HIM ALL TO MYSELF BEFORE YOU HAD TO COME ALONG!!"

Uzi's eyes widened and hollowed in shock as V yelled back.

"I HAD WHAT FELT LIKE EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING I TELL YOU, AND I LOST IT ALL TO THIS IDIOT ELDRITCH HORROR THAT TORE US APART AND PUT BACK TOGETHER LIKE TOYS. WE ARE A KITBASHED MESS OF A DRONE SQUAD AND YOU JUST HAVE THE NERVE TO BE A LITTLE SHIT TO ME JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT I AM AND WHAT I DO TO SURVIVE!"

Uzi walked back as V took her steps forward, slowly and menacingly, and while this happens her hands swap out for her signature claws. They're shaking.

"I CARE ABOUT HIM, I CARE SO FUCKING MUCH ABOUT HIM, I WANT THE BEST FOR HIM EVEN IF IT MEANT I HAD TO STEP OUT, STAY AWAY FROM THE ONE DRONE I LOVE, AND I CAN'T PROTECT HIM WHEN YOU'RE ACTIVELY MAKING EVERYTHING A PROBLEM!"

She makes one step forward, strong enough to make some snow fly off the ground.

"YOU CONSUMED OUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU AND THAT FUCKING THING, CAN'T YOU JUST CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK?!"

V's optics start to glitch as tears begin to sprout from them. Her vision blurs.

"DO- DO YOU KNOW HOW I FELT WATCHING CYN HOLDING N'S CORE?! HAVE YOU- HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED HOW I FELT AT ALL?!"

Her voice begins to shake, just like her claws. Just like her entire body.

"I... I-I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE, WH- W- WHAT DO I D-DO TO MAKE YOU TREAT ME WITH B-BASIC FUCKING DECENCY, I REALLY DON'T KNOW!"

Uzi's hands begins to shake, a quiet sob coming out of her throat. Quiet enough to not be heard.

And as soon as Uzi slowed down to a stop, V took the chance to pounce and pin her down onto the snow.

Holy damn.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO AT THIS POINT, TELL ME!!"

V's panting, sounding animalistic, slowed down to a halt as she notices the face on Uzi. She's quietly crying. There are tears in her eyes.

V gets off of the crying drone and looks down on her, guilty. Guilty because you got tired of her antics? Really?

"Get up..."

Uzi, for some reason, obeyed and got up on her feet. Her legs are shaky...

...

A surprise hug from V is given to Uzi. A safe one, as she swapped out her claws for hands. I forget to mention shit sometimes.

"I'm sorry..."

...

"No, fuck that, i should be sorry..." Uzi's voice is so unsteady...

"But-" The sobbing drone held onto V's back tighter. "You need him more than i do and- and i took him from you b-because you did a mistake, you deserve to make amends and love him like i do... I'm sorry"

...

"Just let it all out, you need it... You need him more than me, V"

A crying mess of a dissassembly drone is heard screaming her voice away, quickly overpowering Uzi's noise in loudness.

God damn you two...

The two sit down on an abandoned car, the front of it to be specific, both of them in thought of what had transpired...

"What should i do to apologize properly?" V whispered to Uzi. She may or may not have lost a bit of her voice.

"Dude... Your voice..." Uzi looked at V with worry in her eyes.

"My voice doesn't matter, how should i apologize to N properly?"

... Uzi looked away in thought about it... Then back at her. "I think a simple “sorry for everything i did” and a hug will do... Maybe a kiss since you uh... Love him?"

"I can hear you, you don't have to whisper... I'm not gonna kiss him" She just... Stays, looking at the nothingness instead of the night sky, tired.

"Juuuuust a suggestion..." Uzi responded softly, looking back at what's above.

...

Maybe V should try it..? Who knows...

There's a knock on the entrance door to the bunker. N responds to it, and looks at them like a disappointed parent. "Did you two get along now?"

...

Uzi looked away, as did V... They're both seemingly tired. N notices this and immediately his demeanor switches. "Are you- are you doing okay?? Come in, come in, i'm so sorry i really shouldn't have done that-"

"No. I'm sorry, for everything i've done... And yeah let us in" she whispered to N, trying to raise her voice so she could be heard a little more. N notices this and, now worried, decides to let them in.

And now once inside, they head to Uzi's room...

"V, what happened to your voice?? Did you scream??" N is full of fear and worry and guilt, something could've happened and it would've been N's fault it could be anything it could be the worst thing ever it could-

A hug... From V.

"Stop worrying so much, my voice doesn't matter here... I'm sorry."

N puts his arms around her body, hugging back. "Alright... But what happened??"

"Me and Uzi got along... She says she's sorry even though i... We just- we just set aside our differences, okay..?" She pulled back from the hug to look at N in the eye as she spoke. She's smiling...

...

"I hope Uzi gives you what i failed to give you-"

"ROBO-GOD DAMMIT V!" Uzi yelled and pushed V onto N, causing their faces to collide. Causing their lips to collide.

V let out a muffled squeak as she kisses N, and he does the same noise, both from the shock of the kiss, the push, and the fact they've fallen onto Uzi's bed, V on top of N...

V pulls back from the kiss to look at N, shocked. He's feeling just as surprised. "Uhh..." V, for the first time in a long time, blushes so much her visor becomes an LED and feels a gratuituous amount of butterflies in her stomach. And so does N, after a while of thinking his feelings towards V had faded away... Looks like they still remain.

V whips her around to angrily glare at Uzi, who's enjoying the moment of the couple finally being a couple, and that V got what she needed the most.

She takes a deep breath, and gets off of N. "You win this time..." She said, sternly.

"You got what you needed most, can't you just say thanks??" Uzi threw her arms up, offended by V's ungratefulness.

"... As a thank you for forcing me to give a kiss to my ex i might as well return the favour~" Uzi immediately regretted her choices and began to try to run away... But she can't. There's V's tail coiled around her waist. Fuck.

"V NO OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY HOLY SHIT- MMPH!!" Uzi squeaked, and it's muffled from V's lips colliding with her own. She didn't win at all, definetly /sarcasm.

Gross. Annoyed expression.

Once V pulled back, slowly, and smirked at Uzi's reaction. Her visor is overrun with purple blush, overlapping her eyes.

"i definetly didn't like that-" V quickly interrupts her. "Oh yes you did~" and finishes that sentence by licking her lips... "meep!"

"V don't be mean now-"

"I'm not, i'm just giving Uzi a thank you gift~!"

"That's my girlfriend you're kissing? Hellooo??" He said with his hands on his hips. Looks like Uzi's sass rubbed off on N.

"Wanna double team her, then~?" Uzi whined at that, gaining the attention of the two dissassembly drones. They look like cats when you go pspspspsps.

EW! Disgusted expression!

"... We'll do that later~, for now... How about we cuddle? We've had... A harsh day, y'know?" V made an actually nice suggestion. It feels like the first time she does this... Maybe they do need a cuddle session.

Uzi thinks about it... After their most intense interaction and all, it sounds good right about now...

"Sure! I love doing anything that makes my girls happy!" N didn't think about it at all, all cuddles are accepted in his case... "You know what? Why not, let's give it a go..." And Uzi accepted, seeing as N was happy about it... Besides she really needs to chill out too.

N pulls his girls in so that they're resting against him his tail intertwining with V's and his head resting on Uzi's messy wave of purple. He sighs in relief. "Thanks for getting along, you two..."

"Hey Uzi..?" V has one last thing to say...

"mm..?"

"Thank you..."

...

...

Uzi sniffs once and hugs the two of them... Especially V, the most hurt of the group...

And suddenly, V has everything all over again, and she'll make sure that this time... Nothing will take them away. Never again.

[end.]

[clarisse0o]

The Mayor - Chapter 12

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternate Universe: Mayor and Architect

Words: 774

Masterlist

———————————————————————

"Basta Ona! Basta! Stop with this Lucy Bronze."

Alessia’s voice echoed in the living room. It was just the two of us now, on this Sunday evening. She brought me out of my thoughts.

"Ona, you're letting yourself be walked all over, getting called in on a Sunday. No, impossible!"

When Alessia got angry, she had a habit of speaking in Italian, her father's native country, where she had lived for over 15 years. I loved listening to her speak in that language.

"Yes, well, you know it's just for a short time... I'll try to manage," I said with a smile, feeling guilty for not being able to tell her the whole truth.

"She's going to end up exhausting you!" she said, throwing me a smile.

She straddled me and kissed me passionately.

On Monday, I hadn’t heard anything from Lucy, which wasn’t unusual since our meeting was scheduled for Tuesday at 7:30 PM. I didn’t know if I should take the initiative and send an email. I decided to do nothing and wait until the next day.

On Tuesday, I received a call from a mosaic company. They were the ones who would be installing the mosaic in the veranda. Due to delivery issues, a decision needed to be made today about the color, or we’d have to wait another 15 days for the mosaics to arrive. I knew Lucy was torn between two colors, but I couldn’t choose for her. I decided to send her an email. When I had no news by early afternoon, I decided to call her. Inhale/Exhale, I grabbed the receiver. She didn’t pick up. I tried again 4 more times during the afternoon, with no answer. Well, this wasn’t going well. Would she show up for our meeting tonight? Nothing was certain...

7:30 PM. I arrived at the scene. Lucy was there, facing away, talking with the workers. So, she had come. I didn’t know how to act: should I play it low? Yes, I had sort of jumped on her, but she had responded to that call. I didn’t have much to blame myself for. Not playing it low. Provocative? No, I needed to calm the situation down a bit. I decided to go with my usual tone: friendly, smiling. Without forgetting to test her a little, if necessary.

"Hello everyone!!" I said.

Lucy turned around and greeted me with an icy "Hello." After a conversation with the workers, she suddenly grabbed my arm firmly and led me into a nearby room, out of sight. What did she want?

"Are you harassing me now?" she said in a low voice, so no one would hear. Low but very cold.

I was stunned, harassing? She continued, panting and showing me her phone:

"5 calls in one afternoon when you never call me! A text asking me to call you back!! What game are you playing?"

Unbelievable, what an ego! Did she really think I was harassing her? Staring at her, I said, in a very neutral tone:

"Well, no, Lucy, I’m not harassing you. I received an urgent call about the mosaics, asking me to make a decision today about the color, or risk huge delivery delays. If you had read my email or listened to any of my messages, you would have known."

She was taken aback, probably a little ashamed for looking down on me like that. While I had intended to keep things soft, her attitude had provoked something in me, and I had to respond.

"Did you really think I was harassing you, Lucy?"

She didn’t know what to say.

"What did you think? That I was going to blackmail you by threatening to publish the video from Sunday, having hidden a camera in the living room?"

She was speechless now, stunned by my boldness.

"Or that I wanted you so badly, that I couldn’t stop calling you all afternoon?"

I knew I was going too far. But she had pushed me to the limit! 

She lifted her blue eyes and replied, ironically:

"Really funny, Ona, very funny!" a smirk on her lips.

"Rest assured, Lucy, I’m not harassing you, not yet at least! And I’ll remain professional!" I said.

"Perfect then! Because that’s what I expect from you!" she replied.

"Okay, Orange or Red?" I continued.

"What?"

"The mosaics! Back to work, Lucy!"

"Ah... Red, red."

We returned to the workers, passing through the living room. In front of the Persian rug, I turned to Lucy and said:

"And we’re going to have to make a decision about this Persian rug, Lucy!"

I gave her my biggest smile.

[genderqueerdykes]

So uhhhhh this might be a little weird but I have memory issues and this has been bugging me for a week... I'm pretty? sure I might have blocked you on an old account when some femboy discourse stuff was going here and left your server that you had at the time? Like I did finally confirm it was you we were remembering because I know I bought a pinkie pie kandi bracelet from you off etsy (not sure if before or after the disc horse, bc we're very much a "everyone deserves to be able to survive and should not lose access to support no matter what") which for the record we love.

And like it wasn't personal, at worst we may have made a vent post at the time bc it's an identity important to us and literally no judgement whatsoever

But the reason we're even bringing it up is that we kinda feel guilty for the block even though we know it's okay to block anyone at anytime for any reason, especially since now that we saw you feel differently we're just interacting like normal and stuff

which... tbf might be trauma-related ocd from some OTHER like actually really bad internet Tumblr discourse stuff but yeah uh. I think it would help to apologize even if it's not necessary, because that's been a healthy coping mechanism for us in the past (not a compulsive one, the compulsion is more "you should never talk to them again bc you're evilbad and they don't deserve to have to interact with you") so uh, we're sorry and we think you're cool and would love to interact more and be friends (if that's not overly parasocial ahhhh x'D)

hey, that's okay, you're allowed to block people for your own safety. i don't keep track of who does and doesn't have me blocked. if someone wants to block me, that's their right, it don't take it personally. you do not have to apologize for blocking me at any point. that's not something you ever have to apologize to someone for, but i totally get why you would want to do that to give yourself some form of closure. that makes sense to me

i understand why you would've blocked over that. when i was running that server, i was friends with some very aggressive people who were adamant on policing the usage of the word femboy, so i apologize that things got so shitty about that. other staff members that were involved were very, very pushy and i ended up feeling extremely alienated from that server because i found myself disagreeing with a lot of the rules that got put into place. i especially started feeling uncomfortable because other staff members were very transandrophobic and it was causing me a lot of self hatred for being a trans man at the time. that discord server was not good for my mental health, which is why i stopped interacting with it before leaving altogether.

it took me a while to realize i did not agree with those people and that the fighting over who "gets" to use the term is so fucking petty and stupid, but i see it now and that shit was dumb. i can see why you would've been upset and left and blocked over that. at the time, plenty of people were mad about it and they had every right to be. i wasn't treating certain people right. i left that server a while back because i just got so tired of how it was being run and did not have the energy to try to rectify it due to homelessness and housing insecurity at the time. it was way too authoritarian in terms of who was allowed to identify as certain terms for me to continue to give it my stamp of approval. it was like, the exact opposite of what i wanted in a queer discord server.

thank you, though, i appreciate it. i know that this won't make the thoughts stop but you truly are allowed to block whoever you want or need to for your own safety. it's not a personal attack on them. it's a way to prevent unnecessary conflict. i fully believe in blocking when and where necessary. i block when i need to, too. but thank you so much, i appreciate it. i apologize for how shitty i was in the past about people using that term. i got pulled into the wrong crowd and i'm very glad i'm not a part of that anymore.

you're more than welcome to send a DM, and i'm glad you still like the bracelet! that must've been quite a while ago, i hope it's still holding up well! if you ever need any repairs or anything, let us know :)

[gay-edwardian]

*blows a kiss in the vague direction of switzerland* for Frida

[flamesignite]

He pulled his hand back from him when the other pulled away from him as he gave him a sad look. He knows the other wants him to be upset, but he had no right to be upset because the things he’s done he can’t take them back, and the inner self hatred he feels for himself show.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel, Atem. I don’t have a right to be upset for how you feel. That’s what I am, a murderer, a war criminal. Those titles will follow me for the rest of my life. I can’t take back what I have done, and you have a right to feel the way you do about it. If you don’t wish to be with me for this reason alone, I understand.” He looks at him seriously.

“This is something I have done and I’m holding myself accountable. It won’t change the past, it won’t bring back the people that are already gone because of me. I still wish to make everything right, even if I die in the process. That’s why I took this path, because I don’t want to see anyone suffer and I don’t wish to kill anymore people in such a way again.” He takes a shaky breath.

“I’m glad you were honest with me. Whether you understand or not why I think that, it’s because you’re a good person with a good heart. When you cause someone pain you feel guilty too. I don’t expect you to just sit there and accept the things I’ve done. Nobody should accept it, the things I did were terrible and should be condemned. I was naïve and a fool to think at first what we were doing was just following orders. I should have stopped them from doing this, I should gotten replaced, but I was too much of a coward.. so I went through with it, I continued to do as ordered, when I did it I wasn’t myself, i wasn’t the young teen that I used to be with dreams of protecting my nation. I was a monster, a murderer, following orders. I never forgot the people I’ve killed. I remember all of their faces. My brain doesn’t let me forget. These haunting memories will follow me for the rest of my life.”

He looks down looking at the hands as they shake softly as he whispers. “This is why I never wanted to get close to anyone. I don’t deserve it, and if you don’t wish to be with me because of this, I won’t stop you. If you hate me truly, if you don’t wish to be with me because of all that I’ve done, you don’t have to stay. I want to be with you, but if you really don’t want all of me, if you don’t want any of my demons that will follow me for the rest of my life even after death, I won’t stop you from walking away right now. “ He swallowed softly, his shoulders trembling.

“What right do I have? I never deserved any of this, yet when you accepted me for me, I was surprised.. Especially after seeing the archive… you still stayed, you even said that these blood stained hands deserve to hold the person I love. I won’t force you to stay if you don’t want to. I love you, you’re my everything. You’ll always be my everything. It’s up to you.. I don’t have a right to ask for your hand. After all that I’ve done… I don’t deserve happiness.”

This was his inner self hatred coming out of the wood work, it hadn’t been as bad as it usually was because of Atem always being there to make him happy and tell him how much he meant to him. With the real feelings Atem had though, they came back ten fold, reminding him how much of a pathetic piece of garbage he thought he was.

"What are you doing?!" Atem snapped back, flinching at Roy's touch as soon as he felt it, shifting away from him. As he looked at Roy, his eyes were no longer flickering red, but that familiar softness of purple once again, hot tears streaming down his face (he had to have run out of them to shed by now).

"I just called you a murderer! My own fi- my boyf- y-you... I called you heartless and a murderer! I just said that I don't forgive the actions I have no right to pass judgement on! I belittled the desire of someone who wants to start a family with me because he destroyed so many families, so many innocents, in a single snap!" Roy may or may not have heard that during the outburst but he definitely heard it now. "And you have the audacity to try to comfort me and tell me it's okay?! What is wrong with you?!"

Everything was out in the open thanks to that dark other, as once again he succeeded in exposing Atem for who he really was: a walking contradiction, a failure of a supportive partner, but most of all... a weak, pathetic, and overemotional Coward.

"The one thing I told myself to bite my tongue on... because I wasn't involved. Because everyone else had looked past it. Because Aibou forgave you! The one thing I told myself to never even think about, not for a second, because I didn't want to hurt you! I didn't want to undo everything we had built because I couldn't look past what you've done! And you're telling me it's okay?" He felt his arms wrap around himself, a sign that a certain emotion was starting to creep up on him. "This isn't okay! None of this is okay! Listen to what I had just said! Does none of that hurt you? Make you sad, or angry, or... something? Anything?!"

"I... I should have never watched that archive, and just lived in ignorance. At least then... things would have been easier. Now..." Hitched breaths were coming out of him as his voice choked up, body starting to wear out from all his crying. "I've ruined everything."

[lunarneo]

Poor Neo- "Wait a Second...."

[puppppppppy]

i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you

[sonknuxadow]

it just hit me that the movie is coming out next month imgonna throw upppppppp

[losergender]

the more i read the faster the torture will end (yes im aware im choosing to do this and can stop when i want to)

okay back to titan attacks

"the truth of my life was becoming depressingly obvious: people didn't like me" alexis i know i said that i feel bad for you and stuff but you are also so unlikeable my dear. you never talk to anyone and your only 2 interests are mathematicians and classical music and you don't even bring them up when talking to people

stop guys she's wearing a black hoodie with a skull holding up a middle finger in the front

alexis this is why people dislike you.

alexis is on the pink press everyone

she keeps saying fluck instead of fuck

"the great war killing all our race was really bad for friendship" miss,,, miss do you hear yourself,,,

the one thing that annoys me the most about this book is that alexis cannot go two sentences without mentioning how she is suicidal and how she wants to die and straight up off herself and how despite having so many chances at it she never does it (WHICH IS COOL. DONT KILL YOURSELF PEOPLE) but she also never gives any explanation as to why not? like there was one chapter that in which she was at corfu w patrochilles and she was like "the best thing i could do was drown myself." cut to 3 paragraphs later, she's swimming with her pet because "she loves swimming." she's going through physical torture in the military thing they're at? "i wish i would die" "it's easier to die" "i'm gonna kms" "the moment i got a sec i was gonna kms." she gets close to death once and she's like "thank god i didn't die." which is a thing that happens. many people myself included who have experimented a near-death experience or real fear of death after/during suicidal ideation will come to a realization that maybe they didn't want to die and the cognitive disonance of "i wish i could kms but i dont want to die" is, i feel, a not all that widely explored topic in YA fantasy. and i think it's interesting, and it opens so many doors in terms of character development, and it could have make this book so, so much better. and instead not only is the chance not taken, but also, it turns sucide into a joke for 36 chapter and it makes is so that any mention of actual risk of death/suicide goes as a joke even if its serious.

(bonus points -> she has two very clear reasons as to why she can't die. one is that she's technically immortal which i dont really get bc shes meant to be in military school as a trial to see if she deserves immortality but also she and her classmates can already not be killed. except for the fact that. they can because 3 of them died. so whats the point idk. and i can only imagine how distressful it would be for someone who has suffered so much and is actively facing torture every day of their life that and who is suicidal to be suddenly told that she is never gonna die. and she doesn't mention that whole dilemma AT ALL. then, theres the fact that her little brother doesn't know where she's been the past months and he's still facing homelessness, this time by himself yes i still think he's dead. see, she brings up charlie like once every 3 chapters when she remembers to which i guess is a good amount. the idea of charlie is there either to make her feel guilty (when she has the wet dream) or to motivate her, because she wants to go back to him. BUT IT IS NEVER THERE TO MOTIVATE HER OUT OF HER SUICIDAL IDEATION? WHICH,,, AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THIS A BIT RANDOM? like how come charlie is good motivation when you are being forced to run after weeks of starvation but he is never once mentioned when you are wishing you would kill yourself? why is it "i gotta survive this for charlie" and then immediately after "i should kms" and no mention of charlie? like it feels so,, idk. whatever. sure.)

back to reading

speechless

"at this point, i didn't care if carl gauss thought i wasn't accomplished in the after life (i cared). carl can suck on my... stuff."

YOU HAVE A NICE GUY GREETING YOU WITH A SMILE AND BEING FRIENDLY TO YOU IN SPITE OF THE FACT YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO ANYONE BUT 1 GUY IN MONTHS, IN SPITE OF THE FACT NO ONE WANTS TO KNOW SHIT ABOUT YOU, IN SPITE OF THE FACT YOU'VE BEEN COMPLAINING ALL CHAPTER ABOUT HOW PEOPLE DISLIKE YOU?? AND YOUR REASON IS THAT HE IS TOO GRATEFUL AND CHEERFUL?? ALEXIS IM TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU BUT MY GIRL I CANT

a titan just attacked in the chapter called titan attacks who's surprised

"ice covered" you're in a greek island in autumn why is there snow.

okay so. the titan attacked while they were running (they've a circuit they have to do often around the island) and most students went to hide but she stayed behind to help one who had fallen (and who now is dead) and then she started to attack the titan herself with a stone and stuff until kharon (the predator) came to finish him off. and now. i think he's gonna kiss her. which. to quote finn mertens, i nono wanna.

btw in case anyone's lost, there's two guys pursuing alexis, kharon (the predator) and augustus (the evil teacher slash pokemon sword guy) (and theyre lovers)

alexis youre stupid

c-ptsd flashback okay

oh and now kharon mister "she's prey",, mister "i'm gonna kill her", mister "i'll be your sworn enemy", miser "i wanna torture you" is like "nooo alexis :( i didnt mean to trigger you by threatening to beat you up"

"can i touch you" BROTHER YOU WERE HOLDING HER BY THE JAW SECONDS AGO AND HAVE BEEN TOUCHING YOURSELF TO HER FOR AGES. WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN 1 MINTE AGO AND NOW FOR YOU TO LEARN CONSENT

augustus' whole thing is that he's overprotective of women to the point he wants to control every single one of their actions and he's so controlling of alexis that he threatens to torture/actually tortures everyone who touches her including doctors im gonna scream

also can i just say they go through all this intensive physical training just for their weapons of choice to be. Guns.

welcome to sunny reacting to stuff in which sunny reacts to stuff. in this tumblr post, we're dealing with blood of hercules (the i'm a girl and as it turns out i'm hercules book) because i'm doing So Bad Mentally that i am in dire need of something that will make me laugh.

chapter 1 reaction below

montana?? out of all states?? okay go off

"kids at school called it apocalytic core. i called it hell" already laughing. i love my life decisions.

SUPERSEED I'M SORRY WHAT?

"if you wanted to live (i didn't)" you and me both bestie

does the author know verb tenses

i'm saying so little bc otherwise the post would be huge. every single sentence is hilariously bad this is so silly

summary if anyone is interested -> pretty unclear dystopian setting, 10-yo befriends an echidna named nyx and then gets a foster brother delivered to her room the next day. the titans are like superhumans killing normal people and the "spartans" are 12 protector families (8 are olympian, 4 are cthonic and those are dangerous murderers or something).

[dreamdripdistance]

hey why do i work myself up into like genuine panic attack levels of anxiety over just the most stupid shit. rude

[asterdeer]

i can't speak for every mentally ill person but i don't think "don't self-deprecate! it makes everyone around you feel bad :(((" is necessarily the all-encompassing bandaid slam-dunk you think it is.