#I ASKED about poly relationships. THEY didnt like poly. i said ok. THEY cheated. they wanted monogamy and cheated.

[lunarneo]

Poor Neo- "Wait a Second...."

[blakelywintersfield]

Help! Part one: Backstory- when I was a kid I saw love triangles & thought well why can't they just all date bc i was a kid & didn't understand polyamoury so my parents told me that polyamoury is no longer acceptable in today's society. So I grew up in a monogamous society & believed that polyamoury was non existent. Then I thought it was wrong, or at least unhealthy. Then I believed that triangle romances were ok but not Vs or open relationships but I still disliked polyam as an idea

I disliked polyamoury as an idea & didnt support that lifestyle but if any1 hated on my polyams I would defend em. Now Im ~accepting/supportive of polyam bc if they communicate (like any relationship) then itll turn out fine (if all parties are poly, that is.) example- i had a friend whos strictly mono but he dated a poly guy who was abusive& treated my friend like a sidechick. When they broke up my friend put his mono ass into another poly romance &bc of his trauma & bpd he was toxic & trying to make his bf mono & felt like he was the sidechick again despite his bf treating both of His bfs equally. & he also had a bad experience with polyamoury so he knew how my friend felt. (Communication is important) Present day- so here comes my issue. I think I might be poly. But I suck at communication & I seem to have internalized issues & polyphobia & I'm not sure whether I "believe" in it or not. Idk what to do & I don't think my parents would approve esp since I don't even approve. What if it's just romanticized or fetishized & I'm not actually poly? I don't want to be poly. I wish society didn't frown upon it bc thst might help. So here I am, a 17yo on Tumblr, asking an older queer for help.

Hi hun! Hopefully, I’m not getting back to you too late on this; sorry it took me a minute to respond!

Firstly, I want you to know that no matter what you turn out to be -- monogamous or polyamorous -- that the way you love isn't unhealthy. Neither type of relationship structure is better than the other; it purely depends on how you feel during it. I know it may be hard to accept something that you were raised to see as immoral or wrong; believe it or not, I was raised extremely homophobic and transphobic, and accepting I was queer and trans was a big shift for me. Hell, I just came to terms with being grey-aromatic -- and that one was hard as hell, because well. I do like romantic relationships. I love that closeness, that bond. Accepting that it was rare as hell for me to feel that towards anyone else was really tough, but it was also liberating. I realized, wow, I wasn't broken because I couldn't romantically connect with others that had mutual interest in me; it's just my romantic orientation. The same may go for you -- if you end up being polyamorous, accepting it can really free you of guilt you may have felt in the past for having a crush on two people and wanting to date them both, because there's nothing wrong with wanting that.

I'm personally monogamous. I know I am because of a few reasons -- I'm worn out very easily by social situations, and even friendships are hard for me to manage just because my social battery is really low. I don't think I have the social stamina to keep up with multiple partners, and I would hate to neglect one or more of my partners, or make them feel unwanted / unloved. I'm a solitary person by nature. And that's okay! I also do have issues feeling insecure, and while I am working on that, I don't think it would personally be healthy for me if I had a partner who was polyamorous, because I'd worry they would get bored of me / leave me for the other. Which is unrealistic -- in a healthy polyamorous relationship, this wouldn't be an issue, but I know my anxiety and relationship insecurity is bad enough that it would put a polyamorous partner through too much stress. Being on the aromantic spectrum too, I just don't know how likely it'd be for me to find a partner, let alone multiple, so that's a personal factor for me, but besides that, my reason for being monogamous are based on how I know myself to be in romantic partnerships.

One of my best friends is polyamorous. One of her biggest reasons is because she feels the need for a support system that goes past friendship -- partners that could live with her, help her raise a family, make sure she stays safe (she has some physical and emotional/mental issues). It makes her feel more secure to know she has multiple people looking out for her, and makes her feel like she's not putting too much stress on one person. The distribution of responsibility makes her feel much more comfortable than having one person take it all on. In a sense, the reason I'm monogamous is the same reason she's polyamorous -- a feeling of security.

Regardless of what kind of relationship you have, it should make you feel secure. Obviously we all have our moments -- as someone with BPD, I have times where I'm insecure just about my friendships, and even my relationship with my parents. Sometimes we all feel insecure, but if it's a constant feeling and it can't be taken care of with reassurance, then you may want to reconsider the relationship -- be it monogamous or polyamorous. Think about your expectations from a relationship; what would you want the outcome to be? If you had multiple partners, what would that look like long-term for you? This should be based purely off what you want / need -- not based off what others may think of you or what negative ideas others might get, because at the end of the day, those who don't support a healthy path to happiness don't have opinions you should judge off of.

There's also different types of polyamorous relationships, and from what I know, most polyamorous people tend to have a relationship set they prefer -- for example, you mentioned open relationships. That's a type of polyamory where, usually, a couple may have another partner / multiple partners, and their position could be anything from a partner to a friend with benefits; the couple usually sets the boundaries on what they expect (i.e. "you can sleep with other people, but I want us to stay the main couple") and then they explain those boundaries to anyone they may wish to engage with. It may seem strange that a couple committed to each other would sleep with other people, but there's a variety of reasons, ranging from kinks to sexual needs to libido (i.e. a couple with a sex-replused asexual who is comfortable with their partner having responsible / safe sex with other people to satisfy their sexual needs). Some people who have needs like my best friend may benefit from Vs; where one person has two partners, but those partners don't date each other. That doesn't mean they're not aware of each other -- that's NOT polyamory, that's cheating. As you said, polyamory takes communication, and without that, it's not healthy polyamory. There's also Triads (three people all dating each other), Fluid Chains (these tend to end up being two people already in polyamorous couples that start dating each other), and much more! I'd say the judgement of you needs and expectations in a relationship should help you decide what type of relationship you'd want.

As you brought up, there's always a risk of getting into a polyamorous relationship that ends up toxic, but that risk is just as likely as ending up in a toxic monogamous relationship -- neither relationship type is "more prone" to toxicity. I'm very sorry your friend dealt with it firsthand, especially because the first experience being a toxic one can make it very hard to get past that trauma. Getting out of any kind of toxic relatinship can leave you with some trust issues and things to work out; it's just as toxic to force a polyamorous person to be monogamous as it is for a monogamous person to be polyamorous. If you're not comfortable with a certain relationship style, you shouldn't force yourself to comform to someone else's, and vice versa.

I know in the recent years, with polyamory starting to become more talked about, understood, and accepted, that it may seem like it really is the perfect way to date. And for some, it is! For others, not so much. I really recommend making a list of your expectations out of a relationship (as I said before), because that may help you clear up whether or not it's just been romanticized to you, or if you may actually be polyamorous yourself. If possible, maybe try finding some local polyamory support groups / meetups, and seeing if you can find other people who are also questioning whether they're mono or poly -- sometimes what helps is talking to others who have questions, because they may also have answers. It may also end up benefitting you because if you end up dating someone else who isn't sure but is open to trying, you can both safely explore that type of relationship without risking the other not being open to polyamory. Since you are 17, I would highly suggest finding groups geared towards those under 21, because regardless of relationship orientation, an older person persuing you is not okay. Anyone involved in your relationship should be around your age, even if you're not directly dating them.

Sorry if this was a little mixed around, if you need to ask for clarifications on anything, or have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Good luck hun! <3

[polyshipprompts]

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. We are poly, he is my primary partner. I love him, more than I ever knew I could love anyone, and I know we are meant to be... but he doesnt want to involve guys that much in our poly adventures and.. we were drunk as heck at our best friends house and after my bf fell asleep, I did things with our friend that I didnt plan on doing and idk what to do bc this friend is a guy and I'm scared I will develop feelings for said friend. (To be continued)

Part 2 of the conundrum. Both my bf and this friend are bisexual, which is why I feel like it *could* pan out but I am freaking out because I dont have anyone I can talk to about this, and I completely rely on my bf for everything, financially, and our house together is paid for by him bc I am unable to work right now. I like the friend, but I dont want to ruin the friendship we have, I'm just so sick of my bf being 100% ok with me being with girls, but we cant explore guys. Idk.

Part 3 of bf/friend conundrum. I feel horrible because I sincerely didnt want to be unfaithful, but I was too scared to ask my bf if he wanted to explore, with this friend, before he fell asleep. I feel like utter garbage and even this friend likes us both, idk what to do...

okay so. first things first, have you told your bf what you did? because you absolutely should come clean. what you did is not polyamory. what you did is cheating.

i understand feeling frustrated about your bf not wanting you to be with other guys, and it does seem like a weird thing because while i don’t know your bf, most reasons i can think of for a restriction like that aren’t great ones? however, i feel like that’s something you should probably have talked to him about before things got to this point, so you could come to an understanding or something. it’s still a boundary he has and it’s rude not to respect it, and it’s even ruder not to respect it while he’s completely unaware.

i don’t have a solution or anything for relying on your bf. i understand it’s probably a reason you’re reluctant to say or do anything, because you don’t want to put that in jeopardy. in the worst case scenario, are you sure you don’t have some kind of safety net in place, like there’s literally nowhere you could go if things go badly?

anyway. it seems you’re not 100% sold on dating the friend either and in the best case scenario where your bf forgives you and is willing to explore this, i’d still say you probably shouldn’t do it. getting into a relationship you’re not sure about is not a good idea, in my experience

however. from what i know about the world, most results tend to be somewhere in the middle between best and worst case. which means your bf probably WON’T kick you out, but i’m also gonna be honest, he probably won’t be very happy about what you did, and he probably won’t want you to date the friend. up to you whether or not you want to accept that, but definitely you need to talk and communicate with your partner about these things. that’s how any relationship works, but especially with polyamory because things are more complex when more people are or could be involved.

of course, i could also be way off-base w/ my thoughts on the matter. i don’t know you, i don’t know your bf, i don’t know your friend, and i’m also not a professional advice-giver. i am going solely off what you’ve said here and my own feelings on the matter. still. i can say with 100% certainty that communication needs to happen here. you need to come clean. this can’t be a secret forever, and the longer you put it off the worse it’ll be in the end. like a band-aid. just gotta rip it off and do it