#the thing is its so fucking hard to open myself up and be vulnerable abt certain things

[1hyunjae]

[blueskiesagain]

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[fadeintoyou1993]

💕Positivity prime time! Share five things you love about yourself, four things you're excited about, OR three people you care deeply about and why. Pass this along to someone whose posts make you smile💕

this is so cute i'll do all of them bc i'm in a good mood today :)

5 things i love about myself

i love how resilient i am :) i used to think i wasn't and i just was weak as hell and everything was too hard but by learning my limitations & understanding how the things i've been through over the years (especially growing up In My Context undiagnosed w several mental disorders) have affected me & made me into who i am today and i love that even if things get pretty bad now, i know i'll get through it somehow

i love my sense of humor. i really think i'm so funny and i'm not sorry everytime i make someone laugh i feel like i've won a million dollars

i love how passionate i am about things because whenever it gets too hard to keep going or even seeing a reason to, things i love and care about can take me out of that mindspace pretty quickly

i love my tattoos! even the smallest ones have special meanings to me and i grew up obsessed w them and wanting to have them for so long and i think it's so awesome that I just. Get to have them now. awesome

i think i'm a pretty patient/understanding/forgiving person? not w myself (altho i'm working on it so hard and it kinda shows by the first item) but i think that i'm a good friend/person that people can count to and feel comfortable to be themselves around me. sometimes it's to my own detriment (i'm also working on it but codependency is so hard) but idk i like that like, i'm not good at socialization offline due to autism, but within this little community i have built for myself over the years i have known and kept up friendships with people from different places/contexts/lives and i just. really love having friends lmao i guess that's two things? but well here u go

4 things i'm excited about

i'll have a yellowjackets watchparty sleepover w my friends on saturday!!! i'm excited abt that :)

i get the stitches off my mouth on friday HOPEFULLY so i'm also excited to be able to like. Open my mouth without feeling like i'm going to die

i'm excited to get my tracy chapman vinyl! my cousin went on a trip to são paulo w her bf last week and she said she found an awesome used record store that she wants to take me too sometime and she remembered i mentioned i was looking for this one when we were talking about the records i want ♡ i should get it sometime next week I think!!!

i'm excited to get my updated assessment results this month 😭 i miss being medicated so fucking bad my god... BUT SOON!!!!!

3 people i care about & why

@scre6m -> well dee is my bestest friend in the whole world like i dont know how we have spent most of our lives not knowing each other & icb we only know each other for lile 4 years. they r literally like a brother / sister / soulmate i've never had anyone in my life i can be so vulnerable with & know that they feel the same way like genuinely i've learned a lot abt myself / friendship / love / life in general by having a friend like him & i literally cannot imagine not having them in my life i'd probably die fr fr. dee has helped me understand i'm allowed to be myself unapologetically & i literally cannot even explain how much he means to me. whenever we have lil misunderstandings & spend like 3 hours without talking bc we r both stubborn n dumb (affectionate) its literally like in bottoms 2023 when josie and pj fight and complicated by avril lavigne is on and josie is kicking cans (dee) and pj is being a stupid bitch eating canned food on the stairs (me) literally just like that. i cannot imagine life not being tweedle bru to their tweedle dee frfr. anyways yea dee is my person 🫂 i hope in like 30 years we live in a big weed farm like in popstar: never stop never stopping

@blackfairyemoji -> tami is literally like a little sister to me like i love showing her things & love learning abt the things she cares about & i'm always like rooting so much for her. she is so incredibly talented and smart and one of the funniest people on EARTH like i'll remember some shit she said while i'm doing something and i'll just start laughingjdkdkdk she is so creative & kind & such a beautiful person inside and out and i cannot wait to see her do big things bc i know she will!! trust n believe!! thats my lil sister genuinely. and the fact she is literally the exact same age as my brother makes it all so much real frfr. my dream is to be present for the first time she gets high and listens to music

@nightmarebees -> MY WHITE DAD JACKIE BEAR.... literally love jackie so much like from the moment i saw her blog back in like 2018? or 2019? im bad w numbers but i rmr reading her description and she literally had all of my very specific niche interests listed and i was like. Dude what. we have got to become friends. and we DID!! jackie is such a kind, understanding, funny, loving person and quite literally the smartest person i know. like she knows so much whenever i have a question about something i'm like hey dad what the fuck is____ and she's like thank you for asking, and it's incredible. i love talking to her about media & literature and getting really fucking meta about things bc jackie understands and helps me organize my thoughts w her big historian brain. she's truly one of the best people i know! and i cannot wait to try her baking 🥺

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

cw / ed

it’s just hard for me to genuinely believe u care as much as u say when u keep making “jokes” even after ive explained to u so many times how much it hurts me OVER and OVER when i HATE opening up to ppl so even setting tht boundary was hard asf!!!😭😭😭 u know how hard i worked to get in recovery and how it’s been even harder to actually STAY there. u know all the stories abt how my disorder tore my relationship w my family and my old friends about. yet u constantly say triggering shit ON A LOOP EVERY DAY with no fucking warning. bc i had the audacity to be vulnerable for once in my fucking life and open up to u abt my insecurities? then u say my trust issues in general are unfounded and “crazy” when U PERPETUATE THEM. just say u liked me better when i was sicker at this point instead of beating around the bush. for fucks sake

and these r supposed to be my ppl, the closest friends i’ve ever had in my life yet they constantly make me so uncomfortable with the things they say abt my habits and the tidbits they know abt my struggles w mental health. they’re so so great otherwise but then there’s this and no matter how much i explain it they never stop? it hurts so much. and it comes in sprees too; where they just basically bully me constantly for a week and i hav no idea where it came from or how to stop it. i don’t want to let a few idiotic comments interfere wifh all the progress i’ve made but fuck. i decide to treat myself w a lil dessert and there’s a comment. i walk outside in literally any outfit and it’s “oh u better lay off the [whatever food they saw me eating recently] or that’s not gonna fit anymore lol!” i genuinely. don’t understand. iv explained to them hey im in recovery from anorexia after multiple years of struggling w it, ik it’s just jokes to u guys but it really hurts me. nope nothing. the running gag in the friend group is basically that im fat and ugly. that’s their favorite bit nd when they remember how funny it is Oh am i in for a long couple of weeks.

and idk maybe they dont mean it. maybe they rly just think it’s funny; maybe they think there’s nothing wrong w my body so commenting on it is a funny joke bc of the contrast but idrc honestly. one of them even HAS body dysmorphia (and knows i do too!) and STILL does it. like shouldn’t you understand how fucking DAMAGING tht is? its all so hurtful to me in so many ways nd i can’t stop thinking about it. they know i struggle w sh and suicidal thoughts too yet keep this up. like shouldn’t u know that’s gonna make it worse??? i don’t rly have any interest in seeing them if this keeps up. i don’t wanna eat around them or even exist around them if they keep doing this. i feel rly sick. i don’t want to think this is genuinely how my best friends feel abt me and they think it’s ok but. :( i can’t help it. i rly don’t know what to think

[beatcroc]

@midnightcityx0x0 I'm not reblogging that fuckmassive post AGAIN but this got too long for a reply so. On its own post now

Anyway i actually have so much trouble thinking of anything for gustavo ever lmao. Everything i have for him I've adopted from other people; rem [brickattack] as mentioned on the big post, and @synthlet/softersynths for a lot of other things. [and a couple others too but iirc synths was the one who started those ppl on it as well gfjdjds] which is to say, you'd probably get better/more interesting answers from those guys :p but yeah, fp and gus are pretty close. It's the general exposure/familiarity, the fact that fp is just a happy/pleasant and easy-to-like dude personality-wise, and for gus specifically there's also a level of "he shares a lot of traits with peppino, without peppino's Baggage™"

that last point is very very interesting but i dont know if i'd Actually get to doing a lot with it bc i typically make fake pep His Own Guy, with his similarities to peppino being almost sort of coincidental. i really really really like coming at peppino and fake pep from the "equals and opposites" angle, which like, that Can still apply for that last bit abt gus, but it's not something i've put a lot of thought into. it's also just fuckin hard to articulate outside of just showing it lmao. [i mentioned like, predator/prey animal nervousness + their reactions to fear vs aggression on the other post but to pull one for here: fake pep still has his own brand of Baggage to deal with too--different stuff than peppino's--but fp is way more open about it when it comes up as opposed to peppino having 50 fuckin walls about everything.

besides that, i also see a lot of general banter about gus being a very Nature Guy™ who likes to find beauty in all the weird fucked up shit nature does [especially in a world as cartoony as theirs], which i enjoy a lot bc girl same. fp may be the farthest thing from natural, but i certainly think there is a lot of beauty to be found in his fucked-up-ness. and i'm sure gustavo sees it too.

and then a fun one i've come into pretty recently for them is that they both care abt peppino a lot, but peppino is very bad at...being cared for. so because you can rarely approach pep directly about anything if it involves vulnerability [again: 50 fuckin walls], and because they both know him very well in different ways and can get through to him about different things, they end up working together a lot in sort of a conspiratory way. plotting scheming etc. 'have you noticed anything wrong lately + how are we going to help this guy out today', that sort of thing. the idea there can go a lot of ways but i'm partial to them using like goofy cartoon antics to set him up for something that'll be beneficial to him. [also brick is in on it too technically but brick is a rat and therefore only sapient when it's funny.] peppino rarely realizes what theyre doing until it's too late. get loved idiot

TANGENTIAL. DONT even get me started on the angst oh my god. you. i am pointing at you you made me think about this. i am not usually one who likes doing angst or making things excessively bad for the hell of it but. a bitch may be considering. under cut bc its unrelated to gustavo stuff but this is as good an excuse as any to share. [+ also extra thoughts on it bc of COURSE]

so i said that at the end there but then a few hours later i found myself toying around with a script and getting a good way to set it up.... im hoping i hit a roadblock on it and drop it because if i DO end up getting it all the way written i will definitely end up drawing it at some point and that would be uh... a big undertaking. it would also be one of the last ones i do bc there's other stuff i still want to build on, so IF, i cannot stress enough IF i go to make it a thing for real, it won't be this year.

for the bits i have so far though it's interesting how much it's shaping up to be like. a showcase of just how well peppino knows fp. which is surprisingly well? even better than gus, despite gus' being WAY more emotionally perceptive. peppino doesn't engage with fp more than necessary and rarely acts interested in his business, but i do think he spends a lot of time just... observing him. if only because pep is neurotic and anxious and fp is weird and freaky so it is a constant thing of "ok what the hell is this. is this something i need to be worried about?" whenever fp is doing shit, and the answer is always ''no'', but it's the sort of instinct that never leaves you yknow. so he's just very familiar with all fp's mannerisms and reactions and whatnot, even if he doesn't really use that knowledge much.......except when things go south. he's a lot more perceptive of fp acting 'wrong' or 'off' compared to gus, who would just be seeing it on a more normal 'aw he looked upset' kind of level.

i talk a lot abt fp's nervousness but the other negative thing that's just as strong with him is frustration. it doesn't usually get to him too bad, and he doesn't really show it around people outside of the occasional eyeroll; but it's stuff like not being able to communicate properly with anyone and getting constantly [negatively] misinterpreted; knowing he's Kinda Shite at his "purpose" [i.e. being 'better peppino' or whatever] and not being able to do anything about it [i don't think he cares about that much any more but i imagine it's still gotta be a bit annoying to remember]; not getting closure for like Anything that happened at the tower, etc... and while i DON'T think this would be the kind of thing to make him go berserk [i still don't really have any idea or framing for that lol; the script starts off a couple weeks in the aftermath and i pointedly don't do flashbacks], it's definitely the kind of thing that would get exacerbated by isolation. the kind of thing that's easy to focus on and spiral about without anyone to ground him; the kind of thing that could keep him from thinking clearly and he might just need to Take It Out on something after awhile.

peppino remains a terrible mediator but he is wildly resilient and tenacious, and if you need a guy to slap some sense into you... i mean he can very literally do that, and do it better than just about anyone.

[wally-franks]

i would absolutely kill to hear you ramble about your favorite aspects of sammy/wally

AAA thank you souch for giving me the opportunity to share my stuff 😭😭 ohmafodddhdhshah. I love talking abt them so Goddamn .much.. but I unfortunately rarely get to do soooo ;v; so this is a blessing!! Thank you thank you ogmdkmajaj 🗣🗣🗣🗣

Honestly?? Pinning down my exact favorite thing about them is difficult because it's basically EVERYTHING HAHSHDHFH.

Okay anyway I'll share the stuff here that I shared with my friend the other day!! (and added some stuff!!) They asked about Sammy's and Wally's love language so I delivered. And I think. Talking about their dynamic is my favorite!! And always will be. So buckle up! 😎

Wally is the one who likes to give out while Sammy is more on the receiving end. Sammy has a hard time getting his Shit together. But that doesn't mean that Sammy doesn't give back anything at all. He does, eventually. He'll just take his time in doing so.

Also, Wally likes to take Sammy out. And like. Not as a date. But like. To fucking lunch at work. He knows he barely gets out of his office. And if no-one else will remind him, Sammy will literally never move out of his office. Not even an inch. So there's that. Wally will drag him around everywhere if he needs to. I like to think that Sammy in general has a hard time taking care of himself and gets easily overwhelmed by stuffs. (projection projection me when I project myself)

My Sammy and wally dynamic is basically just like

Sammy: I seem independent but in reality I can't take care of myself at all and push others away to prove myself to be good on my own. but actually I'm just a whiny bitch that throws tantrums due to his rsd ass and just spends an unhealthy amount in his office. No1 understands me cry cry. (he's just like me)

And Wally is literally just like: its OK I understand. 𝕴'𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚 and 𝕿𝖆𝖐𝖊 𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝖞𝖔𝖚.

Anyhow back to where we were LOL OOPSIE

blahblahblah wally takes Sammy out for lunch because if he doesn't no-one will.

"hey handsam (pun intended), let's get outta here and grab sum lunch." Sammy just pretends to be annoyed but in reality he's really grateful for it.

Additionally, Wally generally likes to stop by at his office, just to check up on him and well.. Work matters too :) In the morning, around lunch time and before the studio closes. Sammy never openly expresses it but he really appreciates it.

For Sammy, it's a bit complicated to explain? It's like.. To others, the way he acts, probably still looks the same. And maybe it is. But it's not really the same. He's still loud but it's a different kinda loud?? man, I can't explain. (Just like how Sammy can't explain the way he shows affection to others LMFAO) but wally can tell what he means. He thinks Sammy is someone who is passionate and caring and pure and loving for the people he truly cares about. He just gets misunderstood by the wrong people.

normally he hates being touchy or getting touchy and won't, but he will get physical if he's comfortable around others. Like touching shoulders or gripping someone. Basically

*sammy shaking the shit out of wally and yelling

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING"

"Awww, Sam Sam cares abt me :)"

Sammy is also more willing to give into things he normally wouldn't do \ finds hard to do LOL. Like talk about his problems and be honest about his feelings.

He's generally more open for stuff. Showing his vulnerable stuff and allowing people in. :)

Okay thanks for listening I will now cry over them again. Thank you so much again

[ecoevoexo]

warning: processing personal feelings, sexual abuse

i got manipulated into dating a man and it fucking... ugh. idk. i've had bad relationships before, i've been abused by partners before, but there's something different about laying down my boundaries as a lesbian, being pushed across them, then being hurt in that context. it's fucked me up really bad and i don't know how to talk about it. i've ended up kinda sex-repulsed, but specifically repulsed of the idea of being seen as attractive. which i also, like, want. but the idea that people will see me as attractive & find that an opportunity to talk over me, manipulate me, & sa me. & like part of the thing was an environment being like, you shouldn't be too strict with your boundaries, you should be "open" and that means being sexual w people you wouldn't choose being sexual with. idk, there's soemthing very complex abt how comphet functions in trans queer irl spaces & how that pushed me into a bad situation & made it hard for me to get out. & now im just stuck w this trauma & this panic. i've got bad postire but every time i try to correct it i have an anxiety attack cuz i look too sexy in the mirror & it reminds me of like stripping & how men looked at me / interacted with me & like reminds me of how i felt with my boyfriend. he's not even the worst guy, ive known plenty worse, but i wasnt supposed to be dating guys at all, i already made that call, & then that boundary was just pushed until it broke. & i was tricked into sex i explicitly didnt want to have. idk im just talking in circles. i need to find soem way to process this trauma out. art to make or a story to write or something. there's no real mystery to it, it was just translesbophobia and a fucked up dude who lied a lot. but it fucked me up a lot, and its made me really sensitive to transmisogyny in ways i dont wanna be, given how omnipresent transmisogyny is. idk. i could talk abt rape, manipulation, financial exploitation, misogynist violence, etc, but its all just stuff we've heard a million times, it's the stuff men do. maybe i thought i was too smart, too feminist, too lesbian to fall for it. what i keep thinking about is when i was in the relationship & kept telling everyone how happy i was. "things are so good" "isnt it so funny im dating a man and its great? haha" "yeah things are actually really wonderful" i was already suffering a lot. why did i go along with it? i feel like i just didnt want it to be true. i wanted to believe that things were different. facing the truth just felt so fucking nihilistic. & because of that, it just kept getting worse.

its over now, im safe, and i'll get over it one day. i just didnt want it to be like this. i convinced myself to be "open", to take risks, to be vulnerable with new people. i liked being that person. but that person got sexually abused, a lot, by many different people. i don't find any romanticism in being bitter and isolated. i feel trapped between the horror of isolation, and the fact that every time i break out of my shell, i get sexually abused.

its just this endless nightmare. idk.

[perhapsthanatos]

10:32 pm with yuta ♡

nct’s yuta x fem!reader (got inspired by a dream of mine & found the idea really cute)

alternate title: be the james dean to my audrey hepburn

genre: fluff. a pinch of angst. non idol au. badboy!yuta au.

word count: 1400~

playlist: chinatown by wild nothing, lover’s rock by tv girl & work this time by king gizzard and the lizard wizard.

warnings: featuring johnny (not a warning though). smoking cigarettes. cursing. lowercase intended. not proofread.

a/n: hi i was supposed to post a vampire!haechan fic but i really wasnt happy w it in general :( the plot or overall idea of the fic was really good, but i just felt as if i didnt do it justice so here we are :( but ngl, i kind of like this concept more? maybe bc i can see it more vividly? idk, i feel like my writings r getting repetitive & its getting on my nerves lmaoo this is getting long im sorry do u guys even read this part anyway? i would also like to apologize abt the amount of projecting im doing lmao ive been having some rough days & i love my sister but hate being compared to her so often so this is a way for me to rant abt it ig? also so sorry its coming out a little later bc i woke up late today (& procrastinated for the rest of it so here i am posting really late at night) & decided to go to the convenience store to get ice cream (& a ton of other bad shit pls dont do this its rlly unhealthy) for breakfast bc i can :) any who, enjoy lovelies <3

“oh my, y/n! you’ve grown up so well! just like your sister!”

“oh! i’m sorry i’ve almost mistaken you for your sister! y/n is your name, correct?”

“y/n, darling, you are looking so dashing! you really do resemble your sister, don’t you?”

“ah, you must be y/n! i’ve heard all about you and your sister from your father!”

you swear that your reddening cheeks are threatening to fall off any moment now from all the fake smiling. the hundreds of superficial compliments, the insincere flattery and the need for these people to constantly compare you to your godforsaken sister makes you feel even weaker than you are. it gets harder and harder to keep up with a big persona that isn’t at all you. as lucky as you are to live such a lavish lifestyle, you can’t help but hate how your family has to be so perfect. you hate how you have never fit in with them, even if you are so good at faking it. you hate how you have always been stuck in your sister’s shadow, constantly haunted with the reminder that you yourself aren’t good enough. you hate how you now have to entertain the rich and brainless guests at your parent’s gala because she’s gone for some stupid prodigy competition and everyone is only talking about her in front of your face. so what if she’s better the better sister? you still have the right to earn respect, right?

you’re exhausted from all the small talk. your facade gets more brittle by the second under all the pressure. your body feels as if it's gonna give out due to your brain shutting down after all that interacting. you try to keep on going with the night as it unravels itself by being the perfectly poised poster child, trying to make your parents proud. but alive yet almost completely devoid, you decide enough was enough. what if you left right now? no one would notice, would they?

after pulling up your phone discreetly to send a few text messages, you pass through lots of people dressed in gold and finery in a way that wouldn’t have you noticed right away. keep your head down and don’t you dare make eye contact with anyone. nearing the end of the room, grabbing the first glass of whatever alcohol you see and downing it in one gulp, you start walking away as quickly as possible from the ballroom. “ignorant privileged fucks,” you angrily whisper to no one in particular, setting the now empty glass on whatever surface and begin to head to the main exit where no one could spot you running away.

“and what do you think you’re doing here, miss?”

a voice interrupts you, looking up you see that it is your father’s head butler; johnny. he is dressed in a simple black suit that makes him appear taller than he is. his long brown hair is slicked back and his bowtie seems brand new. you have known the man since he started working in your household less than ten years back. you were a reckless child, often trying to find ways to sneak out, finding a way to escape from this life and he sympathized with you. after all, he could barely imagine living your life, never catching a break for yourself and always pretending to be someone you weren’t. he often helped planning when you would sneak out into the night, scheduling things like what time you should leave and what time you should be back, more specifically a time when no one would notice. he would take care of your form of transportation and have your location on at all times, just to be extra safe. as much as he wants you to have fun and have a bit of freedom, he still worries that something might happen to you. because of all this, you two have grown to have a very strong bond. you could confidently say that he is most definitely a parental figure in your life since your parents (and even your sister) are often overseas for work.

“what do you think i’m doing? you think i wanna be in a room with those half-baked bipeds? fuck no!”

“i know, i was just joking. you looked like you were about to explode in there, i wish i could help.” he laughs, pulling out his phone preparing what you might need. “so what will it be for today? the driver? we just need to pay him to keep his mouth shut. a taxi? it’s cheaper than paying the driver, but you still need to pay… not like that’s a problem for you though. maybe an uber would be good enough—“

“actually, i got myself covered. thanks.”

his jaw slightly drops and his eyebrows furrow. he looks straight at you in shock. “what do you mean you got yourself covered?”

you look down at your feet, a nervous habit. “i got myself a ride, you don’t need to help me. i’ll be back as soon as dawn comes.”

he raises his eyebrow. “who’s your ride?”

“doesn’t matter,” you glance down at your phone seeing a notification and wave a goodbye, leaving rather suddenly. “i gotta go, i’ll text you when you need to open the gates!”

“y/n! wait! who’s your ride— and she’s gone.” johnny sighs, watching as you run towards the front gates, tossing your stiletto heels away on the grass while you’re at it. he heads back inside, silently hoping you’ll be fine.

knocking the window of the old black mustang parked outside behind the big bushes, the driver rolls down his window and sends the most charming smile.

yuta in his black beanie, long blonde hair, worn out doc martens, signature leather jacket and black skinny jeans. it almost makes you laugh on how he wears the same thing almost everyday but still manages to look so good.

he is most notable for having a big bad boy reputation and you knew that he was the breath of fresh air you needed in your life. a person who can understand having the pressure of having to be or to fulfill your persona. a person you can completely be yourself around. a person who is full of warmth no matter how cold he may seem on the outside.

“get in, princess.”

and that was all you needed. you tiredly walked to the other door and sat yourself in the car. rolling his window back up, he looks at you. you are wearing a simple yet stunning black dress along with silver jewelry adorned on your neck and wrists. your makeup is perfectly done but still struggles to hide the fog in your eyes. he has the sudden urge to clear them away. he softens at the sight of you. no one is perfect, but he finds you being perfect enough without ever having to dress up.

“where to?” he asks as gently as he could. he knows that you are most vulnerable during these moments and that it is hard to finally break down your walls after a day full of stress, so he doesn’t pry immediately. all he wants to do is to keep you here, safe and away from your burdens and for you to stay comfortable with him, even if it couldn't be for long. but is that too selfish of him to ask? he hates how you hate your life and it is taking every bone in his body to not run away with you. but who is he to tell you what to do or what to change anyway? all he can do for now is try to find a way to make you genuinely smile.

“take me anywhere,” you whisper to the latter. “i just want to be as far from myself and my life as possible. miles away or the nearest convenience store, just take the long way home before dawn.”

you look down at the cup holders, spotting an open cigarette box. you tug one out of the nineteen and light it with the lighter you kept in your pocket. you lean back and close your eyes. he only admires as you bring the cigarette to your lips, exhaling a cloud of smoke afterwards. letting the radio play quietly, he starts the car and begins to drive away from the mansion. he can’t help but wonder how you (an elegant daughter) and him (a bad boy) are millions of worlds apart, but more similar than you think.

© perhapsthanatos (efa)

[dabistits]

im super conflicted abt hawks atm but i was thinking abt his parallels with shigaraki and i was wondering kinda why there's a difference between wanting 'redemption' (i dont think this is the right word but i cant think of a better one 'want better' maybe?) for shigaraki but not for hawks? is it bc he made a permanent decision to kill twice as essentially an agent of the state?

Just to preface, I don’t think I’m objectively right for just wanting Hawks to eat shit immediately in the next chapter. I’m just complaining because a lot of people who “love both Hawks and Twice” and “think Hawks was wrong, but…” are hard to get away from without going in the other direction toward a group of people who have shitty fandom behavior, whose opinions about the Hawks/Twice situation are (unfortunately) much closer to my own. I don’t think there’s necessarily a “correct” way to feel about Hawks, but I feel differently than a lot of people I see around (who, ironically, are the ones insisting that there’s a “correct” way to feel about Hawks), and that’s frustrating. I want to be done with Hawks. I don’t want him to get any more focus in canon, I don’t want to see more posts about how Hawks committing murder is an indication of inner turmoil instead of him choosing a side, I don’t want to keep running into posts that tack on “but Hawks is also sad/a victim” in discussing what’s pretty clearly a tragedy for Jin and the LOV that Hawks was completely and 100% solely responsible for.

But, yeah, sure. I’ll also explain what I think is the difference between Tomura and Hawks:

1. Part of it is emotional and not logical for sure. I love Jin a lot. He embodies the person who has faced incredible adversity, and still comes out on the other side ready to love and open his heart to others, moreover to protect others. I’m not like that at all, but I think it’s very admirable. So in that sense, it hurts on a personal level to lose him over anyone else, and I can’t not associate that with Hawks, since he’s the killer.

2. Jin is a significant death. The nameless minions that Tomura has killed (many of whom were active “Quirk supremacists”) don’t mean anything to me compared to Jin, and?? Through the lens of narrative, I think that makes Tomura more forgivable, because I genuinely have no interest in there being any plot “resolution” with, like, the dead anti-mutant cultists, because I just do not care about them.

3. Tomura, especially early Tomura, has threatened to go places that are unforgivable, like leaving All Might’s students dead and forcibly bringing Bakugou over to their side (whatever terrible procedure that may have entailed). The difference is that the narrative never actually allowed him to cross that line by actually killing the kids, who we do care about as characters, so while the intent in itself is pretty awful, he was never allowed to complete the action that would take him over to the point of no return. Hawks, however, did cross the line by killing someone who we care about and who is narratively established as a “good person,” who even Hawks concedes is a good person.

3. a. I don’t like the MLA ideologically and I don’t like the decision to have the LOV team up with them. But, again, their takeover plan has been stopped in its tracks, which I’m actually fine with to prevent the LOV from crossing the moral event horizon, but that’s, like… completely irrelevant to me thinking Hawks shouldn’t have killed Jin.

3. b. Though there’s still a chance for Tomura to cross the moral event horizon, and I’m not going to convince myself that it won’t happen. If it’s going to happen, I think it’s highly possible that it might happen in this arc, because now Jin is dead and we know how Tomura and the LOV have historically responded to their friends getting hurt. I, and many others, have called Jin the “heart” of the LOV (his name is also literally written with the kanji for “benevolence”), and now without him, there is no remaining heart nor goodwill.

4. Although both Tomura and Hawks are, on one level, fighting on behalf of the ideals that they were “raised into,” their fights happen in very different ways. The MLA arc in particular made clear that the villains are, in part, fighting for their very survival in ways heroes just aren’t. The threat that the LOV were living under was constant—when it wasn’t heroes or other villain groups, it was trying to find money and shelter and essential upkeep. Hawks may not be “free” from the HPSC or the occasional villain attack, but he’s free from those constant material struggles. He’s not an “underdog.” 

4. a. Tomura is also, in part, fighting to protect his marginalized friends. It’s for sure not on behalf of every marginalized person, but it’s certainly more than we’ve seen any pro hero fight for. The people Tomura is surrounded with are people who have never been protected nor cared for before, because they were not deemed “innocent” enough to deserve that care and protection, and Tomura continued to care for them even when it was troublesome for him to do so, when they disagreed with him, when they threatened him, and when they fucked up very, very badly. 

4. a. i. Eri is an example of a victim who the heroes fought for, but she’s an easy case to want to love and protect: Overhaul was inarguably an abuser who wanted to elevate the yakuza, she was being used in extended torture-experiment sessions, she killed her father on accident, she’s a child, she’s innocent, she’s selfless, she’s well-behaved. It’s basically not even a question whether or not she “deserves” help.

4. b. It’s people who are difficult who get overlooked. Hawks and hero society are completely unprepared to protect and care for people who don’t behave as they’re supposed to. Hawks did not care for the LOV who didn’t personally befriend him. For the one he did, when Jin didn’t cooperate the way Hawks wanted, he went for the kill. It’s either being easy and “manageable,” or die.

4. b. i. Tomura has specifically spared two people who tried to kill him or actually succeeded in killing his ally, people who he explicitly hated or did not care for. So make of that what you will, I guess.

5. From a leftist perspective, it’s just impossible not to account for the fact that Hawks helps maintain a social structure that creates so much suffering. The question isn’t really whether AFO’s teachings to Tomura are better (they’re not, and I want Tomura to break away from them), but it can’t really be ignored that Hawks is enforcing an ideal that’s wildly popular. Why this matters is that Tomura doing the wrong things will be roundly condemned, and he’ll probably be “punished” for them; but heroes are very unlikely to be punished or held accountable for committing murder, especially if it’s “justified.” 

5. a. This is problematic because it allows heroes, and the state, to define what a justified “emergency situation” is, and who can die in those emergencies. The people who are deemed killable “in an emergency” are usually those who are already marginalized; hence heroes can wait until those marginalized people get desperate enough to commit villainous acts, and then they can swoop in to arrest or kill them to widespread public acclaim.

5. b. Heroes (and law enforcement IRL) don’t address the roots of crime that lie in overarching oppressive structures like misogyny and capitalism. They don’t prevent theft by bringing people financial stability; they arrest people who were desperate enough to steal, and use those people to send a message to poor people everywhere. They make these conditions of desperation more permanent by punishing the most vulnerable people when they slip up, while doing absolutely nothing until the slip-up happens.

5. c. Heroes are punching down, and villains are punching up. That may not be the case with AFO, but I believe it with the LOV specifically, and I believe this matters because it’s exemplified between Hawks and Twice. Hawks targets someone who reached out to him, despite being hurt over and over again by types like him, who has dealt with poverty and fantasy mentally illness completely on his own, and kills him in defense of the very society that allowed all those things to happen to Jin. Hawks was given a choice: sympathize and relate to Jin, and acknowledge his well-founded grievances toward a dysfunctional society, or prioritize the safety and security of that dysfunctional society by permanently removing Jin from the equation. The choice he believes in is the choice he made.

5. d. In order for Tomura to make the same choice with the same implications, they’d have to be living in an alternate universe, in the Kingdom of AFO, where Tomura is a respected noble who infiltrates a rebel group who were going to “commit atrocities,” kills the one person who offered him a way out of AFO’s control, and possibly screws the rebels altogether, but everyone is happy that the rebels are gone. Even if you think Tomura is capable of that, it’s irrelevant because canon!BNHA has completely different power dynamics. Because Tomura’s violence will always be unpopular and persecuted, rather than justified and glorified by the state, he physically cannot replicate a choice like Hawks’. Tomura can approximate it, but even if he does, he’ll be hunted down by heroes for doing so. The circumstances and consequences for making such a choice are totally different.

So. That’s why I don’t think Tomura and Hawks can be equated. Suggesting that this is a level playing field is essentially believing that criminals and law enforcement exist on level playing fields, and they absolutely do not at all. Hawks is particularly abhorrent because he’s already followed through with his choice. He holds power by being part of the policing class, and regardless of how he came into it, he behaves exactly the same as everyone else who “freely” joined, and in his position of power he made the choice to eliminate someone who was socially powerless.

[sxyurii]

Hey, I've been your follower for years now and recently I've been through a breakup and I saw your post about it and I feel really sad I don't know how to move on and I just wanted to ask could u give some tips 😢❤❤❤ Love you and your blog so much!!! Sending you much love

Omg hi angel!!! 💕 im really sorry to hear that :( It sucks but we gonna get thru this baby

This will be a long post but also for anyone whos going thru a breakup rn, I'll type out everything that I wish someone told me before 😂

HOW TO WIN A BREAKUP

Ok so im gonna put shit that I know from expierence and as a psychology major so we have some gold hacks here on getting over a breakup 😏 First, I've personally had like quiete few breakups and honestly that FIRST ONE is ALWAYS the worst. If this is ur first breakup im rly sorry but its gonna suck for a while LMAO just remember that first one is the most painful but once you get over it its like antidote for life. No breakup will hurt that much as far as I know. Now lets start. U broke up youre sad, alone, crying, now what?

1. Call your friends. ALL OF THEM. I always felt my breakups before they happened and with this recent one I summoned all of my friends and they were all there with me before and after it happened. Venting helps and emotional support will be the first thing here. You are very vulnerable and sensitive right now and your emotions are all over the place probably. You're sad, angry, confused you wanna kill him all of that shit and having people there with who you can let out all those emotions is SO SO SO important i cant stress it enough. Dont bottle emotions D O N T its tempting but its toxic as fuck and it prolongs the healing. Buy junk food, have girls night, cry to your friends and talk about it until you don't feel need to anymore, cry more. Use all emotional support u can get, ur girls got u. BONUS TIP therapy helps alot. Ive been to therapy to help me sort my emotions out and its been super helpful. Remember also friends arent therapists, sometimes a professional help to guide thru emotions is the good choice too.

2. DELETE EVERYTHING you have that reminds you on them. I personally dont have hard time with it I know some people do but its also one of the most toxic things. Delete the pictures, chats, unfollow them block them even if u have to, mute, delete the songs that remind u of them. Literally erase their existence from your life. Due our brain not knowing difference between someone breaking up w us and someone dying pain we feel is intense and gets to point we feel physical pain. Memories trigger emotional responses and keep opening the wound. You need to heal. Patch it and let it heal. Dont poke it by seeing still things that remind u of them.

3. dO NOT STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA. DONT DONT DONT. ITS LIKE DRINKING POISON EXPECTING THEM TO DIE??? What you could possibly find that will make u feel better??? Them posting that they miss you and want u back??? Nah sis, social media presence of people is so biased and its SO EASY to fake anything. You can misinterpret alot and you might also see stuff that will hurt u. Some of my exes (idk abt this last one tho bc I never stalked his social media since we broke up and im super proud on it) would post stuff that they know would hurt me or make me jealous or just some shady shit and you dont want to go in a place where u know someone just wants to hurt u. You are better than that. Protect your mental peace at all costs.

4. Journal. With this recent breakup I wrote like alot about it, i took my emotions and wrote paaaages. Let it all out. Draw abt it. Find ways to turn your pain in art.

5. DONT TEXT YOUR EX. CUT THEM OFF. its the best for you. You cant heal in a place you got hurt. If you wanna text them handle phone to ur best friend. I know whenever you are alone u will feel so lonely but trust me better call your friend than hit up ur ex LMAO We all still think we want our ex back even some time after breakup. We tend to idealize our exes in our heads and remember only the good times and stuff and then its just painful illusion. I know i did that alot with my exes so with this last one i decided to prevent it. Best way for that was to make a list of all the things he did that would hurt me, make me sad or mad and that i just didnt like abt him. Whenever I would feel im thinking I miss him I would read that list and see he wasnt so good and there was a reason that relationship ended. It will come to point u will see you werent happy and you will be slowly letting it go. He aint shit trust me.

6. Usually it takes 3 weeks for the worst symptoms of breakup to subdue bc our neurotransmitters need to balance again. Love is a drug and breakup is like withdrawal from cocaine addiction. Your body and mind will go through symptoms same as cocaine addict. Remember to be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. I know for me issue was I would be like "get over it" and not allow myself to be hurt abt it. Be kind, you are going though huge emotional trauma and you deserve all the time and space to be hurt and feel it. Feelings are like visitors, you just have to accept them with out resistance and let them pass. Acceptance is the key.

7. Focus on yourself. You were so used on putting effort and energy into that person. Take all of that energy and put it back in YOU. Be selfish. Treat yourself. Date yourself. Write things you love about yourself. Rediscover your passions. Focus on school. On your beauty. dYE UR HAIR DO A TATTOO DO UR NAILS DO A FACEMASK PLAY SONGS SINGING HOW EXES AINT SHIT Fall in love with yourself. This is something that you will be ready to do when you processed all the emotions in healthy way.

8. Idk did i forget something but just to add this. "This too shall pass". You will heal. You will mend. Never close your heart to love again. You deserve love and one day you will have it. Dont let your pain make you push love away. Breakups are extremely good for self growth and be grateful for it because trust me you will grow so much and you will learn so much about yourself.

I hope I helped at least a bit 💕 I keep feeling like I forgot something but know that you and anyone can always hit me up in DMs and ask for help. Im always open to help anyone and dont hold back. Im sending you so much love honey 💖💖💖💖💖

[alicentsargent]

hold on dear, don’t open the box

i had therapy today after a while and forgot how draining it is, so have some 3k of andrew & bee in therapy. tw: panic attack, talks abt repression and control.

His body and his brain were already wishing for a cigarette. To feel the harsh sting of tobacco down his throat, to fill up his lungs with the heaviness of poison, taking his mind off the poison within him.

Andrew wished for a lot of things, things he thought he’d successfully trapped down into the do not open box he’d created in his mind. But his sessions with Bee always brought them back up regardless of what he wanted. She would say that was a good thing, that he was feeling at all. But for Andrew, feeling had always come with a storm of devastation, of expectation and disappointment. Of pain. Bee would say that was a good thing too.

She’s silent as she considers him opposite her, tapping her pen in a rhythm that would be annoying to others. She knew him without having to speak a word, preferring to give him mental space to process for the time being.

He sits in silence, body tense like a strung wire, ready to snap in half at any moment.

Tap tap tap. Tap tap tap.

Betsy makes noise as she breathes out slowly and Andrew knows he’s not ready.

“So I’d take it that today may be a flat day for you, Andrew?” Bee asks softly.

Andrew stares at her blankly and Bee just nods to herself, looking down at her lap for a moment at her notes. She seems to ponder over her next question, giving him time to process.

“Is there anything you’d specifically like to talk about today?” Bee asks again. She peers at him from behind her glasses, soft and expressive.

Andrew looks away from her, focusing on the figurines she loves to display, the ones he gave her. Bee remains quiet, waiting for him.

Andrew steadies himself with the reminder that he knows Bee, knew she wouldn’t hurt him. That it was okay to talk, to bare his poison with her.

“I just feel…” Andrew spits out with clenched teeth, fists curling on his thighs as he thinks of how to describe where his brain was at.

Bee hums patiently as she taps her pen again rhythmically, soothing Andrew slightly.

But Andrew suddenly wishes he were anywhere else, he wanted to avoid this, but he also knew that he couldn’t. That he shouldn’t. Him and Bee have been working on vocalizing and acknowledging his emotions, bringing them into the open space of the room where they could dissect and shift the pattern of his thoughts and behaviour.

It was slow moving but Andrew could acknowledge that he wasn’t completely against it. It was just easier to be. Especially after knowing what feeling cost him.

Repressing had become default for him, a welcoming safety net to the unknown, to the pain of being known. He didn’t want to be known. He wanted… he didn’t know what he wanted. But it wasn’t this.

“I’m tired, Bee.” Andrew decided to say. It was all his mouth could think to give without swallowing up his entire body.

Bee continued to look at him, her pen taps had paused. “Do you think you could elaborate a bit on that for me, Andrew?”

Playing with a loose thread from a rip in his jeans, he shrugs. “Things- aren’t easy at the moment.” he admits. It felt like everything from the box inside his mind, stamped with the sign ‘do not open’ wants to come tumbling out with no regard.

Bee smiles at him then, a quick fleeting thing and uncrosses her legs to place her left leg over her knee. “That must be hard for you, but I’m glad that you’re vocalizing that and sharing with me.” She inclines her head at him and asks, “Would you be able to give me a couple words to summarize your emotional state at this moment? The first words that come to mind perhaps?”

Andrew gazes at her, bombarded with the box slowly spilling out things he’d prefer not to hear light of day. “Hollow, ” Andrew says blankly, fighting to keep a lid on himself before too much spills and his brain shuts down in defense.

“Frustration,” Andrew continues, voice studiously monotone. Bee nods along and just watches him.

“I feel… itchy.” he finishes, locking up the rest inside. stay, stay, stay, don’t leave the box.

Bee is silent for a moment, taking his words in before speaking. “And I want to let you know again, that what you’re feeling, Andrew, is completely normal. This is a safe space for you to talk about these things, and I’m here to help you in any way I can.” Bee liked to repeat things like that and Andrew, he knows she’s being genuine, and that makes it easier for him to sit with her and not lash out.

“I’d like to explore what you said, about your current feelings of hollowness and frustration, but firstly, can I ask why you feel itchy?” her voice remains neutral and Andrew has to remind himself that it’s okay.

“I feel on edge. Like something bad is going to happen. That if I’m not prepared-” Andrew cuts himself off suddenly and looks down for a moment to regroup. When he looks back up, his eyes meet Bee’s and she gives him an encouraging look.

His words have dried up though, that was all. Bee seems to sense that he won’t continue for the moment. She purses her lips and takes on a thoughtful look.

She lets out a hmm before quietly asking him, “When you say that something bad is going to happen, are you referring to yourself or someone else?”

Andrew feels a sharp pang in his chest, he wants to erase this entire conversation from the start. It was a valid question though, with the amount of shit Kevin and Neil, and the Foxes by extension, seem to string along with them, there was always something that he had to be prepared about. But this time that wasn’t it. It was himself he was dealing with and so he said so. “Myself.”

Bee remains a comfortable but probing presence, sitting across from him with more patience than he deserves. “Okay, and how do you believe you would feel… if something bad were to happen to you?” she asks.

Andrew wants to say that he wouldn’t. Feel. That he would be prepared. That he was prepared. He had to be. He couldn’t face his life if he wasn’t.

Bee seems to understand that he has no answer for her, as she turns her words around and asks him another question.

“You being prepared. Is that to prevent the possible intensity of your emotions, or to control yourself to not feel them in the first place?”

Andrew feels like shutting down, craves to curl up within himself but he stills his body to stay still. Perhaps Bee could sense him, as she says, “It’s an important distinction, Andrew.”

And so it was.

Controlling everything was second nature to Andrew, an automatic reflex akin to his performance on the court. His body knew how to do it, so did his mind, the group they made were a force of nature. Shutting down his responses to the outside world so nothing could seep its way in through an open wound. If he was in control, nothing had the power to shock him, to leave him vulnerable. He knew the dark depths of humanity and their actions, the depravity. And if he could use it to his advantage to control his environment and protect his family, he would.

The term monster that the upperclassman love to refer to him by had not surprised him in the slightest. He was filled with monsters, it only made sense that he was branded by them.

There’s Neil and his smart mouth, always ready to defend Andrew whenever someone calls him a monster, but Andrew couldn’t care less for the words said about him. He lives by his promises, owing nothing to no one. He had done things in his life that other people would call monstrous, but he viewed them as a battle of survival. You live or you die, there is no room for regret when you are still breathing on the other side. Whoever thought otherwise was as naive as they were stupid. They could sleep at night truly not knowing how the world works, thinking they had the right to act like they did. They didn’t, and Andrew knew otherwise. That’s why he had to be prepared. There would always be something to be prepared for as long as he lived. That was the game of survival.

Neil knew that better than anyone else, unafraid and accepting of the darkness that lived inside Andrew. He had his own brand that he was very familiar with.

Neil was always on alert, prepared with every exit in his vicinity, he used his body and words as a weapon for his safety. Emotionally, Andrew could see that Neil had carefully learnt to be open, welcoming the friendship and care of the Foxes, constantly taken by surprise at any care shown towards him. And there, Andrew was different. He didn’t want people to feel anything for him, he wanted to go unnoticed, slip by their radar and emotional desire for connection, he preferred to be unknown, impenetrable. He wanted his presence to instill fear, to ward off people trying to fuck around with what was his.

Perhaps surprisingly, even with his knives out and expressions blank and unmoving, Neil had managed to wriggle his way through Andrew’s carefully controlled life, cutting Andrew open and making all his sharp and haggard pieces known.

Neil was never pitying, but understanding in the face of his actions. He was always looking at Andrew in the way that made Andrew want to push his face away, to tell him he shouldn’t look so grateful and soft in the face of something like Andrew.

Andrew couldn’t help but sometimes feel tiny bursts of gratitude for Neil, for a man who started off as a liar and became a strong truth who stood by Andrew’s side. He’d never felt anything like this before. He never thought he ever would, had never entertained the idea of having someone by his side, of anyone even wanting to be. He chose quick backroom moments with Roland, hands kept far away from Andrew, a release for his pent up sexual frustration. Touching another person had never been so easy as it was when there was no potential for it to ever be an option for them to lay hands on him. There was nothing more to it.

Neil was something else though. Something bright and unforgiving. It was dangerous, he made Andrew want to let go of some of his control. “I want to see you lose control.”  is what Neil had told him once, a long time ago.

Andrew couldn’t help but think about those words. He knew Neil didn’t mean it in the way that someone else might, Andrew down and bruised like his past. He wanted to see Andrew bothered, to show genuine emotion in the face of what was happening. Neil wanted Andrew to be real with him and he toed the line during that conversation, being a liar and a bother, wanting Andrew to show his anger and teased Andrew that this was what he got for telling Neil to stay.

And Andrew, he held control as a constant in his life, for the lack of control he experienced growing up. Maybe he’s too controlling now, in areas he doesn’t need to be, but knowing that the alternative could always be worse made him tighten his reins further.

Him and Bee were working on it. Though it was a slow process with even slower progress, one his brain fought against him every step of the way; but he never did anything he didn’t want to do.

“Andrew.” Bee says, concern coloring her voice.

Andrew snaps out of his thoughts and remembers that she had asked him a question. He takes a quick glance at the clock and he feels heavy. Quite some time had passed while he’d been inside his own head.

He focuses on Bee to see her as patient as ever, although she’s leant forward towards him now, intrigued.

“Can you tell me where you went, Andrew?” Bee asks.

Andrew opens his mouth and feels like he can speak again. “I was thinking about your question… and I was thinking about Neil.” He adds belatedly, heart skipping up a bit before he breathes out and settles himself in his seat.

Bee’s eyes are steady on him. “And what conclusion did you come to?”

Andrew takes a moment he doesn’t need, he’s spent enough time thinking about it. “Both, to answer your question.” Andrew glances off to the side, not wanting to watch Bee watch him. “It’s different with him… with Neil.”

“Go on.” Bee says.

Andrew feels like he’s on the edge of the roof, being pushed off and he’s falling, not knowing what comes next. “I. I let go sometimes, just a bit. I let him touch my hands, I let him put his hands in my hair. Sometimes I don’t leave the room when I get off…” Andrew trails off, lost in thought and looks back to face Bee. “I trust him. I trust him to let me have control. But also. I trust that he knows how to control himself around me. He stops when I ask. He even stops when I don’t say anything.“

His voice feels rough, emotions kept near to him are welling up, expanding through his chest up to his throat, exposing themselves on his tongue. It feels freeing. It also feels disastrous.

Bee is glowing, her smile now big, pulling across her face and highlighting her dimples. “Andrew, I’m so very glad you shared that, I’m very happy for you, that you feel that you can trust Neil. I know it hasn’t come easy, but I’m proud of you for acknowledging all that you’re feeling.” she said, and Andrew feels a tiny curl of warmth.

Andrew feels like he could continue for the moment, with Bee waiting patiently across from him. But he still takes his time now to form his words, though he knows Bee won’t judge him for the shortness of them.

“About what you asked me earlier, I still- I still feel like I have to be prepared. It’s easier not to feel. I thought I’d- that I had a handle on-” Andrew exhales harshly, curling his fists again.

“I don’t want to be taken by surprise. I don’t… I don’t want to be hurt.” Andrew hisses out the last word, it seemed to get caught in his throat, wants to be pushed far down where he can’t reach.

Andrew suddenly feels all energy escape him, leaving him drained and tired. After years of suppression he doesn’t feel relieved right now. He wants to burrow under the covers in his dorm with the door locked and sleep away his exhaustion. He wants a cigarette, he needs the taste of smoke to get rid of the taste of truth on his tongue.

Bee, like a beacon of light, was still smiling.

“You know Andrew,” Bee starts, looking at him fondly, seriously. “When I first met you, things were very much different. You may not think so, but you’ve made so many positive leaps to get you where you are today and you’re determined to live your life the way you want to.”

She looks at him pensively for a moment before continuing. “We have a lot to continue working through, but I’ll tell you this. Letting yourself feel can be beautiful, but it also opens up a lot of un-beautiful things too, as we know. Try not to beat yourself up for any of this, you’ve grown to be more aware of the emotions that pass through, which I’m very pleased with. You deserve to acknowledge what you feel, and no one can ever take that away from you, not even yourself, as much as you may try.”

Bee’s gaze was fierce and sincere and Andrew, fuck, his hands were starting to shake. He wants to leave, to be done. He doesn’t want to deal with this. His breathing speeds up and he brings his legs up, wrapping his arms around them. Andrew closes his eyes and focuses on breathing in and out, in and out.

Bee remains, silent and strong like a statue, sharing her support with her silence.

Andrew counts to 10 as he tries to regulate his breathing. 7-inhale, 8-exhale. Slowly he feels himself coming back, and he’s acknowledging that he’s definitely overwhelmed, that he’s angry at himself for being triggered by nothing, that he’s tired. Bone deep.

He slowly opens his eyes as his panic subsides and turns to gaze up at the ceiling for a minute, looping his eyes around the marks and swirls and indentations from the cracks in the wood.

When he feels more like himself, he meets Bee, who is patiently waiting for him like she has always done.

Andrew swallows and clears his throat. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Bee repeats, eyes warm and knowing..

Andrew takes comfort in the subsequent silence, waiting for Bee to finish up and finally end their session for the day.

It doesn’t take her long. “I’m glad you came in today, you’ve given us some things to further explore in our next session, Andrew. As you know, our times up for today, but don’t hesitate to contact me in between now and our next session if you need to. Now I want to make sure, is there anything you feel you need to speak about before we finish today?” She asks, possibly in concern after the show Andrew just gave her.

Andrew shakes his head no, which seems to satisfy Bee after a moment. She stands up to open the door for him and steps back into the room, leaving enough space for him to pass by her without them accidentally touching.

Bee flashes him a small smile once he’s stood outside the door facing her, dimples peeking out. “Take care of yourself, Andrew. Till next time.”

Andrew doesn’t wait to watch the door close, he walks fast till he’s outside the building and leans against the door of his car, fumbling inside the pocket of his hoodie for his pack of cigarettes.

He lights one up and takes a deep drag, inhaling the stale taste of tobacco. Immediately his body begins to unwind, tension easing as he focuses on taking deep inhales of nicotine.

All to be repeated next Wednesday at noon, like clockwork. He’ll have enough time to recharge by then before his next session with Bee.

By the time Andrew is halfway through his second cigarette, his phone beeps with a notification. Andrew flicks excess ash off the butt of his cigarette as he feels in his pocket for his phone with his free hand. Flipping his phone open, he sees he has one new message. From Neil.

hey, when will u be coming back? just prac with kevin right now

Before Andrew could even think to reply, another message appears on the screen.

miss u :)

Andrew’s brows furrow as he reads the messages from Neil. He feels warm all over as he drops his unfinished cigarette onto the ground and opens up the door to his car, suddenly keen to get back to the foxhole court.

[chrliekclly]

do you think charlei and dee had sex because they mistook their genuine platonic bonding as attraction? (serious question, steming from thatlesbian dee post). I never thought of it that way, and I'm interested to hear that side !

YES that’s actully smthn i lose my sht abt !! iv blown up ppls mssgs with this kinda talk like, im a mess. ok lemme type right nd lemme type A Lot Again Anyways cz thos 2 giv me Way too many feelings (im spposd to b working on a final rn christ…)

okay…i scrolled back up after finishing nd turns out i went…literally insane…aka Much too far…so i need to under-the-cut it. mobile…viewers…i’m rly so sorry. swipe hard to leap ahead…hell im sorry fr computer viewers too. my theme is rough.

to start, my HCs surrounding chardee are rooted in charlie being on the ace spectrum and dee being gay (or like @ least bi, but imo all the men stuff is straight up compulsory heterosexuality).

i will always cling tight to the deleted scene wherein charlie says he thinks sex is gross and will genuinely get sick when he thinks about it unless he thinks about it with one specific woman. i know he shows sexual interest a decent amount of times throughout the show and has canonically had sex (on camera too, yeesh) but i see each time as very out of the blue moments (coming onto dee @ multiple points while worked up, agreeing to bang tatiana cuz she says to, that kinda thing) or relating to his long standing and delusional obsession with the waitress. in that vein, he’s also canonically enjoyed sex, and I don’t try and blind-eye any of it, because ace doesn’t always mean sex can’t be enjoyed in the moment. charlie definitely has a libido, and bodies be bodies. hell, sex-repulsed can sometimes even flip 180 in the right conditions. shit is one fun spectrum i’ll tell you that…but either way, to start with him, i think him going forward with banging dee was very much a misjudgment of what feelings are and being extremely caught up in a moment where he felt real, genuine, closeness with someone else who he was having a damn good time making terrible poetry with.

as for dee, i, first of all, just agree with everything in that post. in the context of chardee, as much as i will lose my mind in tags about how hard i ride or die the ship, it’s mostly my obsession with their dynamic. i don’t think chardee is meant to be endgame. i absolutely 100% believe that dee, too, is misinterpreting her feelings. i think part of it is her consistent comp het, and the other is she’s never been close with someone the way she has been with charlie, and she doesn’t know what she’s meant to do with it. i think she was similarly caught up in a moment in which she showed her own vulnerability, opening herself up to someone who could easily just ridicule her as she’s used to (”right now? i’m scared”), and she receives support from him instead (”you’re not gunna bomb, you’re gunna do great”). we’ve seen how much dee craves validation, thats her entire thing. i’m not shocked she dropped her pants in this moment lmao. she probably felt her damn heart flutter cuz she got told by someone who she at least somewhat trusts that she really is good, even if she doesn’t think so. the only rational explanation for the feeling associated with that person is that he’s The One right? pretty big leap

just…basically i dont think either of them know what a relationship is.

charlie’s lived nearly his entire life deluding himself into thinking that, 1. he and the waitress have a relationship that is anything other than creepy, and 2. that the warped-ass mess of an image he’s created in his brain for what he and the waitress are to each other is what love is. he thinks he’s making progress in getting close to her when the only thing she’s Ever done pre-s12 is ask him to leave her the fuck alone. he’s never even attempted to look past the waitress before, and the only time he shows interest in other people it’s purely his libido talking. he doesn’t pursue romance, and the one time we’ve seen him do so he was using her to get to, who else?, the damn waitress. 

dee’s lived her entire life having to prove herself to every single person she interacts with, and its familiar to her to getting ahead by using men, usually as sexual objects. i’m hesitant to bring this up on a post wherein i speak on dee’s sexuality because i don’t want to link this trait to it in any way as if its related, but to be fair, dee is as much a serial rapist as dennis is in that regard. the gang are shitty people, we know that. she will get men drunk to have sex with them, or pressure them into it, or trick them into it. she’s not having sex with these men for pleasure, she’s literally doing it for power. it’s absolutely fucked up, but so is she.

when she Is romantically involved, she’s shown to leap headfirst into those relationships and blow them out of proportion on 0 grounds for it. she buys a promise ring for a guy who didn’t think they were dating, it’s implied she’s going to actually go ahead with the brad fisher marriage thing after the episode ends, she gloats about how important she is to a stripper who was literally shame-crying during sex (also? she says “we BOTH wept,” and she can say that’s because it was that good, but i really doubt it). i mean the woman GAGS when talking to men she’s “nervous” around, something she takes as meaning she’s attracted to them? lmao uh???

at this point i’ve probably repeated myself over and over, my brain is on backwards and my train of thought went off the rails years ago. but i’m still gunna retype an old set of tags i found:

i hc that neither of them end up together but they do go through a relationship-ish phase, but dee’s gay and charlie’s okay with that (and always ace in my mind) because they finally move on from their own irrational drives to adhere to what they think is expected of them. i dont think either of them have any idea what a relationship is meant to be and they pathetically grasp at each other because they’re kind-ish to one another and that feels safe for once. chardee may be my main ship but i purposefully backtrack on myself because i know they’re two people who barely know love and have found each other, both as underdogs in their environments, and feel an electrifying Something that they Cant Name wen theyre together, and that something just so happens to be friendship and they don’t realize it cuz they’re doofuses who’ve led really unfortunate lives where friendship and hatred are always intermingling.

i’ve never brought it up here, but i often imagine a timeline of their relationship, because i enjoy the idea of them figuring themselves out through each other, just because they are genuinely amazing (platonically) together, and they get into some of my favorite shit. the thought of late night talks and confessions about their worries and confusion about their feelings while lying in bed, just close because they feel comfortable that way, realizing they can keep loving each other and not force it to mean something it doesn’t, the relief that comes with that, a final kiss that really doesn’t mean anything but thank you, not losing what they had but rather gaining a whole new kind of intimacy, and still getting into absolutely ridiculous situations. maybe dee realizes shes, ironically, found herself with a crush on the waitress and it cracks charlie up. he doesnt mind. he’s finally learned that if he Is going to be with someone it should definitely be with someone who makes him feel at Least half as comfortable as the way being around dee does, and knowing he doesn’t have to make himself look for that, but when he knows he will know. plus, he cant imagine dee pulling that one off. but maybe one day she does. dees gentler around the edges, and she gets butterflies when talking to women, but she never gags. charlie’s a terrible wingman but he keeps convincing dee to let him try. she brings a girl home for the first time and charlie all but backflips in an empty pool that day. they’re still shithats but they’re learning to let that go. people can get better. AA would probably help.

iv gone too far goodbye

[vaonri]

thoughts abt lapis under the cut...

perhaps i relate to lapis a Little Too Much but like... even in the worst of ways i do. like? lapis runs away and takes something important not just from her but peridot too and im just. mood. when my friends hurt me my unfortunate immediate reaction is to hurt them back and it has been really difficult to deal with. ppl told me all the time how “scary” and “unapproachable” i was, and how they were scared of my anger.. how they were afraid to tell me the truth. and ive worked on it! i put a lot of work into becoming like, a generally kinder person who is trying to deal w things better. but its like really not easy? at all? hi my parents are toxic at best and im constantly on guard bc of all sorts of ppl in my life. fighting the urge to snap back or actually open up abt yr honest feelings takes a lot, and its just plain hard to put myself in a really vulnerable position

so i get it. like. when things dont go how i planned i too get really, really fucking angry and hurt. and feel totally betrayed. i also dont deal w rejection well but the point is im still trying to learn to take it better, but it is so so difficult bc like... now im in this weird middle place where im trying to be more honest w my feelings but that also leads the way for being honest with those bad feelings too, bc rn its either this or i go back to being closed up

so like... bruh i get it. i just get it man. ill run away from everything bc its too scary to actually deal w anything

so perhaps it feels Really Bad to see lapis be totally brutalized over it bc like. im like that too sometimes. what she did was wrong and i dont condone it (she rly shouldnt have hurt peri like that at all) but i deff know where shes coming from and like i get it? 

im just. very empathetic of lapis. 

[billweaslys]

im just so sad like i thought he was the one !!!!! i was in love w him for years n it didnt work out n that sucks !!!!! n we broke up 4 months ago but im so shitty at processing my FKIN emotions !! and sooooo much abt him was so great he is one of the best people i know hes amazing n i loved him n i care about him still so much but it wasnt right !!! we werent right for each other! n he blames me but that was the situation !! but what if he is right? what if i just gave up and didnt give enough and didnt compromise enough n ive wasted a good thing ? n im moving to another city on the other side of the world in a month n in my head im just picturing me meeting someone n them being perfect n finding my soulmate but .. like im still me? i consistently fuck up any kidn of possible relationship like its my fkin JOB n thats not going to change just bcos im in another country. i always go for guys that are so nice but just ... not exciting? enough for me. guys that are aloof and quiet n i get drawn in by the mystery but then it just turns out theyre pretty quiet guys n then i get bored n then i feel bad bcos theyre lovely and genuine n care abt me and im just the bitch who dumps them cos theyre ‘too nice’ when its my own fault for not seeing the situation and them as they actually were. i just want someone who is fun !! really fun who makes me laugh my butt off an d makes everything funner n brighter but i always go for these broody boys who are way too emotional for me n then freak out and put us both through a load of pointless sadness n stress. i just feel like i never actualyl know what im feeling. either in the moment or after . i feel like i just make up my feelings and lie to myself and other people n i dont know what my actual genuine emotions about anything are. like my only feelings are yes and no. either i like somehting n its good or i just feel nope n dont wanna. im like a child. n ill just stop feeling a situation n i dont know why and i dont know if i genuinely dont like the situation or i just freak out n get scared. like did i actually want to break up with tom bcos it wasnt right or did i just get scared of the idea of deep feelings n responsibility n bolt. n EVEN IF i was right n im jsust overthinking it all now, how do i stop worrying about him so much. he was dealing with a lot of shit and i just left him ??? i just made everything worse for him and did the one thing he was the most scared of. like his worst nightmare was me breaking up with him and i knew that but i still did it ??? an what if hes super depressed n what if he doesnt let anyone into his heart again for a long time bcos of me what if i forced him to come out of his shell and open up to someone else and put himself out there and make himself vulnerable only to turn around and hurt him as hard as possible. no thats not even a what if ! thats what happened !! thats what i did to him . i made him trust me and love me and depend on me and then i left. n i HATE myself for that. i dont knwo why im putting this on fucking tumblr dot com but i just need to work out these feelings n my friends are sick of hearing about him lol its been four months since we broke up n i still havent dealt with this shit properly. n i think the issue is i dont know how. i avoid all negative feelings bcos i have no idea how to process  them i just dissociate until i forget abotu them. i dont know how to process this guilt and sadness fuck my life

[whx-m]

talking abt being two spirit is actually really hard bc like, its hard to express how i perceive and experience being a man thinking in and using english and words that revolve around westernized ideas of gender and manliness, masculinity, etc... even the word “masculinity” tastes bad in my mouth because it’s such a cheap, dirty cover for something that feels really pure and righteous, if that makes sense? to have these feelings associated with other things feels gross, like using the word taints the original meaning. 

and even trying to convey being a woman, and the “something else” gender in there too- i keep that part of me so guarded behind the man. she’s so very precious to me, and such a hidden treasure, sometimes i feel so stifled and anxious like the man part of me is so absolutely horrified by the world and so protective of her that his standards are too high and he’s not letting her bloom the way she has to... idek. gender for me is less like a war and more like a self-love and self-trust story. trusting the mystery, trusting yourself to figure things out. trusting yourself to be vulnerable and open to change.

thats why in a way i feel like, at times like this, im less a man and less a woman and more of the “something else” looking over them both and trying to connect with them and understand them. some murky figure floating along with them in my arms like children, watching them both grow up and understand each other. and the more they do, the more at peace they become with each other and themselves, the more they start to look up at me and become aware of me, and start to try to understand me. and you know, i’ve been carrying them around so long and looking after them and caring for them, it really shakes me up. suddenly we’re all the same size and i’m coming into view to them, this shapeless thing making sense to them but not to myself, being really Seen by them but i can’t see myself. 

idek but its hard as fuck to describe, thats about as close as i can possibly get to explaining my (airhorn) Gender

[theboykingofhell]

(acting anon from earlier!!) i read ur whole thing and its FILLED with rly good info ty!! im british and im looking to start getting into acting but i always shyed away from it in schools etc cause there's always be a dance side to it and :/ no ty id rather eat nails than dance ever. but im rly interested in the acting techniques n stuff u mentioned and id defo read as many posts abt it as u wanted to write :0 ty for your time!!

OK YEAH now that i actually have time and by that i mean i have no time there’s like three things i’m supposed to be doing rn but i want to stall starting them lmfao I’MMA TALK MORE ABOUT THIS RN

imma be real i cant remember all the things i mentioned in that post i wrote and i cant be bothered to go back and look so IF YOU EVER HAVE A SPECIFIC QUESTION LITERALLY ASK ME ANY TIME

oooooooooooh... yeah.. love... babe.... go to acting schools lol it’s not even JUST the fact that they literally teach you how to act but. you. need to network. god. especially since you ARE british, acting schools are very important because a lot of companies will pretty much hire you based on what school you went to. just the short amount of time i was there made this VERY obvious that it is VERY hard to get picked up by a company if you haven’t gone to school, and getting picked up by a company is how you get consistent theater work for YEEEEEEARS...!!! also, usually a school will give you a rly good chance to network by having some sort of showcase at the end where you can get in contact with a bunch of agents and the more famous the school, the more agents see your work and try and help you out!!!!

and, like... the whole dance bit is just a hurdle you’re gonna have to jump. it’s def rly important to just partipate in the classes, you don’t have to be GOOD but it gives you just that little bit of awareness over your body and your movement that you might not have had before and that’s rly important, especially on the stage!! i felt the same way about singing but, man, the more you work at it, the more mangeable it gets. and you don’t want to have this grudge on you forever because it’ll really limit your work :/

but i mean man you don’t actually have to, there’s no set way to become an actor! if you find work, you have that work, it doesn’t matter how you get there t b h. i just think it helps and the more skills you acquire, the better of a chance you have to get that work...

(i RLY suggest lamda, it’s a hard school get into but it’s one of the best if not the best and also the education is beautiful and ALSO lamda-trained actors get the most consistent work because the uk just nuts all over itself about lamda-trained actors)

BUT YEAH. ACTING TECHNIQUES. GONNA FINALLY ADD A CUT LOL

i’m only gonna talk about these vaguely cuz tbh i’m not as ~studied~ as i should be because i’ve been far too lazy until now to actually sit down and read acting textbooks but HERE’S THE GIST....

stanislavsky is like... pretty much the most well-known most taught acting technique. so many of the other techniques you learn BUILDS on his work. there’s a huge range of shit that he’s got to offer because his and later similar teachings are SO focused on realism (which tbh is a very new thing in acting), but some of the most important is stuff like emotional recall and objective work aaaaand character building by using yourSELF and projecting it onto the character. it’s a very psychological form of acting and it’s... MY BASIS but not actually my fave!

now, a lot of parts of it is very useful. emotional recall, for one, is SUPER nice. it’s a very good way to build that vulnerability up, tear down a lot of walls and explore how to summon emotions up....

my first exercise with stanislavsky, i remember them making us lie down and pretty much meditate, and then you listened as the teacher described a bunch of things: your favorite beach as a child and what it felt like, all these sensory memories about the smells and tastes and sights of the beach. and then it moved on to the night of your first kiss, your first love, and then your first loss. a nice basic range of basic emotions, and then you build on that.

stanislavsky (and stuff like uta hagan who wrote a RLY great book that i havent finished reading yet but it’s a GREAT way to rly build on the technique) rly encourages taking yourself and putting it into the character. SO!!!! if your character is going through their first break-up, summon the feelings and memories of your first break-up and push that into your lines, so on and so forth.

the big criticism with stanislavsky and all the techniques like them is that it COULD be very unhealthy for you... considering it’s all about reliving and reliving old memories. and i agree, i mean, one of my favorite plays and one of my monologues of choice for auditions is from a play where the main character is kidnapped and raped, and i’ve been kidnapped and raped before so i am CONSTANTLY and purposely triggering myself just to perform that monologue well. THAT AIN’T RIGHT! helps tho! 

(stuff like method acting falls under stanislavsky and his successors strasberg and stella adler, so....! you can see why not everyone fucks with it)

MY criticism about stanislavsky, which is why it doesn’t work as much for me, is that it’s very VERY heavily text-based. uhhh THIS IS LONG ALREADY SO SOMEONE SEND AN ASK ABOUT OBJECTIVES AND I’LL EXPLAIN but they want you to do a lot in the moment that makes it very distracting if you don’t have this process pinned down and that’s AGGRAVATING FOR ME ANYWAY

chekov is another technique that’s interesting, again not a fave but VERY helpful. this one builds character more from the outside in, it’s all about like... a lot of very subtle details that you can add to the background to add color to your performances. a lot of it is about atmospheres, attitudes, body language, and how that affects your character and how your character is thinking through the scene. it’s VERY reactionary and very fun because you don’t have to think NEARLY as much. 

pretty much you form... gestures, or moods for your characters, and instead of perfoming an ‘action’ (stanislavsky thingy, i’ll explain that in another post i guess), you’re using this ‘gesture’ to explain yourself. it is far FAR more abstract than stanislavsky, which is a lot more technique and exact, and it’s very vague, which does make it very hard for people. it also doesn’t stress realism like stanislavsky and company does, so it’s not as popular at the moment!

 meisner technique is my second favorite technique and kind of hard to explain because i haven’t rly gotten a comprehensive course in it yet besides a few workshops and activities, but it’s a technique that stresses STRESSES ‘listening’. that’s something you hear a lot as an actor, it’s one of the hardest things to really get but it’s also, truly, the essence of good acting. you can’t be a good actor if you don’t listen, because if you don’t listen, you’re not in the moment, and if you’re not IN the moment, you’re just... reciting lines!!!

it’s so hard to explain so i’mma link a cute video i just found because it shows a lot of variety and also shows the actors messing up a lot and it’s cute omfg

it focuses a lot of repetition (either of the same one line for each person or they’re both doing the same line back and forth) which forces the actor to not think about what’s being said but how it’s being said. you’re stuck in the moment because you KNOW what you’re gonna say, you don’t have to worry about saying anything else, all you gotta worry about is what the other person does and how you’re gonna react to it. if they suddenly start screaming in your face UHH YOU’RE GONNA SCREAM BACK HOW DARE YOU? and it’s automatic and SO natural and that’s why i love it, because you don’t have to THINK through it. you don’t rly think through your life like they make you do in other techniques, so i adore the ability to not have to do that on stage.

however i’ve never gotten far enough in the technique to find out how to apply it to a set script but it might just be about building that openness to just... DO and BE and let whatever happens happens, which is NICE

LAST THING THAT I’LL TALK ABOUT IS FUCKING GROTOWSKI YE  S. ok so a lot of techniques overlap, so by this i’m also talking about lecoq and peter brook’s acting techniques. it’s all physical theatre which is all about the GROTEQUE and like UGH there’s so many fascinating things honestly just google ‘theatre of cruelty’ because it’s FASCINATING

the emphasis is... not rly on realism altho the acting i’ve seen come out of it is the most realistic i’ve seen? it’s rly gritty and about accessing the most... EXTREME of emotions, it’s about rly grasping human nature and twisting it and bringing it on stage. peter brook especially (who has a book called the empty stage or something like that that i got to read) stresses that... theatre shouldn’t be about costumes and sets and whatever, it should be just about the actor, and that you can do a PERFECTLY GOOD show with a completely empty stage, with just the actor in the center.

it also has an emphasis on YANKING the audience into the show and being very interactive and like... nothing’s held back, it should be hard to watch, THEATRE SHOULD BE CATHARTIC AND FUCKED UP AND YES.

so physical theatre involves pulling emotions from the body through your movement. life isn’t just about the mind, after all, your body holds emotions through it, there’s chemicals and hormones and what your body does on its own and against other bodies and just. again, hard to explain so HERE’S SOME COOL VIDS THAT SHOWS DIFFERENT TECHNIQUES AND COMPARES THEM ALL

i lied there’s one more technique i wanna mention: it’s called alba emoting! it, again, builds on the idea that trying to access emotions through the brain is UNHEALTHY AND DANGEROUS and that you can, instead, try and access it through the body! how???? cuz emotions are PHYSICAL. you feel sadness and anger and love and whatnot in your gut and chest and through your head and all through every nerve in your body, right????? so why not try and mimic that for the stage???

it’s SUPER COOL because! what you do with alba emoting is: affix yourself a certain way. it involves certain body postures or positions, certain expressions sometimes... EVERY time it depends upon a different breathing pattern... and all you gotta do is do it. and your body doesn’t know better, it gets tricked into it...!

so, if i were to alba emote fear... it’s hard to describe through text rather than do it but this one might be the clearest one... part of the positioning is to have your hands up in front of you, as if you’re trying to ward someone off or shield yourself. you have your mouth open, you have your eyes stuck to the floor in a submissive sort of way, (there’s more that i cant describe but then) you start to make yourself hyperventilate by taking short, quick breaths through your mouth. after a few seconds of this, your body just starts SHOOTING adrenaline through you because it starts thinking WHOA SOMETHING BAD’S HAPPENING I’M AFRAID?FUCKFUCKFUCK

and that continues until you stop! you can stop at any time and then just go. you get left with a ‘residue’ (which is very chekov in nature in that it ‘colors’ your performance) where you can just act and do the lines and do your actions (stanislavsky) without worrying about needing to push any fear into yourself because it’s THERE, it’s PRESENT and whatever happens in the scene will either alliviate it or make it worse!!!

it’s a BEAUTIFUL way to prepare for a scene right before you go on stage too omg. last semester we were doing julius ceasar, and there was a scene where i had to play a servant who just witnessed a murder and just. go in and beg for my life and the life of my master. so i did the fear emote, and then my friend (playing my master at the moment) decided to talk to me in character and give me the order to throw myself in front of the murderers and LMFAO by the time i ran on there i was like fucking in tears i was so terrified HA

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE TOO IT’S SO FUN YOU JUST GOTTA GO AND SEE WHAT WORKS FOR YOU WHOO!!!!!! HOPE THIS WAS FUN AND HELPFUL YES