#the thesis of the show is what if a found family made you worse

[woodcries]

i hate when people try to argue about which community character is the worst (of the study group) because pierce is literally right there at any given time

[mdhwrites]

When would you say was the point in Owl House that you started thinking it was going in the wrong direction?

This… Actually isn't a hard one for me. I could try to give a larger picture answer or be snarky and say "From the concept" but I did like the show at some point. I loved the show at one point. So I suppose the real question is when did the problems that were always there suddenly come to the forefront?

And there is only one real option: Escaping Expulsion.

Escaping Expulsion is the second worst episode of the series to me. Its comedy is either barely based on the characters or just… Not funny or clever. Or both. The entire montage of convincing Bump just feels wrong to me, even the first time I watched it, because all evidence points to him preferring a calm, quiet school that runs by the books. Otherwise he would have always loved how Eda behaved.

It has villains that while entertaining in their evil, are rock bottom stupid and feel like they came straight out of the 90s, if not earlier. In the 2020s. The fuck? I will always hate that Odalia decides proving your home security can murder a (also read as 'your' because that's how marketing works) child will sell more units. Like… This isn't even a good scheme to make money off of!

But the real issue, the thing that Escaping Expulsion added that just about no other episode did was the idea of resolution and shrinking of potential without exploration of that potential. And it's in both of the plots and both of the plots are just… VERY poorly thought out in execution because they FEEL like they're written to be functional. The whole episode does. It's just there to remove obstacles so they can do what they want.

It feels like something an author writes because they got tired of a plot point and just want to get rid of it.

First problem with how they tackled killing Luz's magic and resolving Amity's parents: Neither character is actually a major part of their own plotline. Amity gets what? Five lines MAYBE before her big "My Luz" moment? Maybe like a minute of screen time total? It might be a bit more than that but this is resolving her family issues. The ones that will continue to be blamed and focused on for her behavior. For who she is and what made her who she is. And she's just not a part of it. There is no building of anger, momentum, etc. towards her parents or the like. No build up to the moment where she tells them to fuck off. It's just that once Luz is threatened… She is all in on telling them to stop. Which actually is the exact same as they did with killing her relationship with Boscha but one is a friend who is a bully. The other is your heavily abusive, neglectful family who have decided who you are up to this point.

I'm just saying that maybe there should have been ANY exploration of her feelings besides, "Sorry mom. I have apparently decided that this girl is literally more important than anything else in my life and will do anything to make her happy and like me."

The other side… actually is worse though. It's the end of Luz's journey with magic. There will be no training, trying or work put into this afterwards despite theoretically being part of the thesis of the story. I still think this episode effectively was a part of why TOH got shortened because Disney would be right to have asked they were lied to with the elevator pitch of the story. EVEN THE ANIMATION TEST PUTS MORE EMPHASIS ON LEARNING MAGIC AND EXPLORING IT THAN THE SHOW EVER WILL AFTER THIS.

And Luz? Luz isn't a part of it AT ALL. She introduces the concept theoretically, has the hilarious line of "I haven't found a new one since the fire glyph" which happened FIVE EPISODES AGO so it's not like it has been that long since she got one and then… just peaces out. And the rest of the plot line is shenanigans between Lilith and Eda before Lilith gives an exposition dumb that effectively means nothing. I mean… All the glyphs they use are either combo glyphs or a single regular glyph. And they are always as strong as they need to be, glyph circles be damned.

It hard matters. None of it matters. But it was such a major part of the show's pitch. Luz wanted to be a witch. Well, I guess you are, and clearly one of the strongest out there with what we saw in the S1 finale and the S2 opener so… shrug Just end it and move on. Only introduce a new spell (of which they only add two, three if you count teleportation) when it's necessary for something cool you want to do or for the plot.

And there is more I could go into how bad this episode is and how poorly the episode handles ending these plotlines, like how the B plot with Luz's magic, which is a b plot at all eye twitch, is effectively just an update to the "King gets a minion and loses control of them" B plots of season 1 where he has to swallow his pride and get some help before he is consumed. That's just what happens with Eda here. Just it's with magic instead.

But I don't feel like going hard diatribe in this blog because the larger points are this for why this episode to me is the turning point:

It introduces the idea that the characters aren't nearly as deep, well thought out or complex as we have always believed. How much smaller does Amity feel after this episode? How much less sense do the Blights make? How much does this indeed fuck up her character arc in the moment and retroactively?

It introduces the idea that the world and its functionality isn't well thought out. If this is how they're treating something as big as Luz's glyphs, which will only prove to get worse with time, what else do they not care about? The plot? The story? The actual flavor of the Isles?

And honestly I feel like it highlights that the show doesn't only fail when it's a filler episode. This is probably the first non-filler, or close to filler, episode in the series that just… Isn't good. How many people actually remember anything from that episode besides "My Luz?" Some people might remember the Odalador stuff because they like those characters but you could tell me what happens during the montage to get back into Hexide? What Gus or Willow say or think about anything? What Amity even says about most things in that episode? Fucking anything Hooty, Eda and Lilith do besides the Hooty swan and the super glyph?

And this episode killed TWO major plotlines people were excited for. That dominated our minds because the show HAD placed importance on them. This isn't like Willow where you had to choose to be invested eventually. The show always made her feel less important than everyone else. This is part of the thesis of the show and the backbone to Luz's girlfriend's character being resolved AT THE SAME TIME.

It's bad. It's just bad. And you can see the cracks growing even throughout S2A. Cracks started right here. Right when Luz was expelled.

[mitamicah]

Okay, here I am adding my story (apolegies if I am making this all by myself)

Reading this I too felt very emotional because I share this experience with bison. (This will probably be long so I'll hide if under a line and here's a silly Jere for a palette cleanser just in case XD)

For around a year I 've felt pretty lost; I had been under constant stress for months for writing my thesis and then applying for jobs. To top this off I had to find a new appartment, juggle with having recently come out as nonbinary and all the doubts I had about my competence as a newly educated psychologist. This all ended in me having a breakdown that forced me on sickleave.

I had told nobody about this however, no friends nor family and all I had to scare away the nights of existential dread was a fandom to a show that were soon ending (that I didn't really felt like I mattered to either given that I had made one or two fanart and never did anything but reblog things), a fandom for a show that ended two years ago, two shows on hiatus, and then my own webcomic project that nobody knew about (because I was too scared to really go anywhere with it since I had even worse luck getting people to care about me and my art when it comes to OCs than fanart at this time).

In the most dire of situations I went to snacking to distract myself and so food didn't taste that interesting anymore either. I felt pretty much cut off for my friends who were out finding jobs and starting new, excisting lives elsewhere. I also felt cut off from my family who still constantly wanted to know if I'd found the right job yet. It was exhausting.

In short I felt like the embodiment of Menestynyt yskilö without the drinking.

Then eurovision started showing signs of coming back from its slumber. I decided to give it a go for the third year in a row by putting on the then-finalists playlist on (it was before Germany and Sweden I remember) and dance around in my living room to see which one I felt drawn to intuitively. Funny enough it was not käärijä: my intuitive favourites was (I believe more or less in this order) Joker Out, Alessandra and Alika. I felt a bit confused about Cha Cha Cha at first yet I was intruiged enough to watch the National Final and that was when he got me good - the confidence and the dance won me over. I started watching way too many reaction videos of people watching the performance and so fell down the youtube rabbit hole of the preparties with käärijä and Bojan bonding.

Yet despite my growing interest in the green man, I didn't join the kääryleet on tumblr before after Eurovision. I honestly feared that I'd be the only one caring since the few times I've tried to gush about other bands and musicians I like I am lucky if I get over 5 notes.

So colour me surprised when my käärija/Lord of the Lost sketches got the biggest amount of notes I've ever recieved!!! Through checking out all the amazing blogs that reblogged that piece of artwork I was thrushed into the fandom.

This. This was what I needed.

I needed this amazing community of people. This wonderful group that seems more real than any other fandom I've ever been in. Like bison, I smile everytime I recognise your url or your icon because I feel connected to you. You are my friends now. I know your artstyle and your way of typing. And you are all so dang likeable and genuine and pure.

You are talented as heck.

You are funny.

You are kind.

You are like a big found family at a time where I didn't feel like I had or deserved one. Because who'd love a mentally broke, unemployed loser that didn't love themselves enough to open up about their feelings or to care for their wellbeing?

Well...

You did.

You loved who I was and what I had to bring. Everytime I felt like stumbling you guys would reach out and make sure I was okay. Everytime I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough you'd be there to tell me the little voice inside me was wrong.

Through our connected role model Jere you showed me that beauty is found in the kindness of others not in how you look or how talented you think you are.

Through connecting to you I've been feeling my body image change - for the first time in over a decade I can look at myself nude or with very little clothes of and not feel like dying. Because of you I feel okay with posting selfies that are not perfect and share vulnerable things about myself. Because I know you won't judge. I have come to understand that the kääryleet is just as pure a collection of people as the man we are gushing over (and making trend too many times for his sheenanigans on instagram).

I am so sorry that this is long and venty and probably makes no sense. I just want to thank you all.

Thank you bison for letting me talk on your post.

Thank you Jay for all the wonderful tags.

Thank you Natálie and Lucie for the laughs and the promises of meeting in Berlin.

Thank you Eryka for the giggles (us ace kääryleet must stick together xD)

Thank you to everybody I haven't mentioned but are still a kääryle through and through.

Micah is making no sense now, so Micah will stop babbling xD

A love letter to this fandom

I feel mushy as well today hahaha

Like, I have never felt this much at home in a fandom. Genuinely, checking what yall say in the tag are my best moments of the day. I had been feeling a bit blue for the last year. There was a separation between me and some of my previous irl friendship groups, as we just grew up as different people over the decade. So I was feeling quite lonely.

Then before I know it, I start recognizing urls and profile pics on tumblr. I had so many genuine laughs while looking at my phone since march because yall are so fucking funny. You are so talented, I have never been exposed to so much gorgeous art on a daily basis. And it's uplifting art? I never feel like I'm not talented enough, I just want to get better so one day I'll be able to draw like that. Never felt like that in my entire life.

So many of you now genuinely feel like friends. I just feel so full of love when I think about all of you and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. My dms and notes are full of people that I want nothing more than get them in a bone crushing hug

I've learned so much about other cultures here because you're always enthusiastic about sharing stuff from where you're from. Learning about languages I didn't know getting to tell people about my own language, getting to hear people talk in accents I had never heard before

We share music and videos and art and nice words and selfies and joy and support

I'm so glad we all found each other. I'm so glad Jere came into our lives at the right moment so we got to meet each other.

Thank you everyone, there are only so many ways to tell you how much I love you.

No matter if we're mutuals and talks in dms or if you're just liking my posts from time to time. I love you so, so much

[novelconcepts]

I thought of something, based on an answer of yours I saw yesterday. I don't know if you're into videogames, but Last of Us 2 came out recently and it has a transgender character. A trans boy. I won't bore you with plot and setting, but this character goes through immense suffering which is directly tied to his trans identity. And a bit of a ruckus happenned. Discussions about tokenim and trans representation in media.. And I, myself, am not trans. So I could understand to an extent-(1/4)

(2/4)-but couldn't sympathize and, by extension, care too much. Now what I do identify with is being gay. I still struggle with my identity, but I know this about myself. And I've experienced watching a show just because it has queer characters, I've been queerbaited, I've cringed and eyerolled at rehashed hetero romances. Y'know, things all lesbians go through. Now the Haunting anthology series are of the horror genre. I didn't watch them expecting to be punched in the feels.

(3/4) I knew Bly was gonna be good when I started watching, but what they gave us... Nothing short of iconic. A milestone even! And where I'm going with this is, comparing Dani and Jamie to this trans character I understood the problem of the trans audience. What Dani and Jamie went through had nothing to do with their attraction towards one another! And they were never used and paraded around in media months before the show even came out. Sometimes people use this dumb argument that goes-

(4/4) "I don't see color/sexuality/religion." Of course you do. We all do. And we should! A pretense of homogeneity isn't the answer! But what they did with Dani and Jamie is exactly the way it should be done! I sent this again, because I suspect it didn't reach you the first time, I hope it did now!

I actually played TLOU2 in entirety this summer, and the Lev stuff was definitely on my radar. It’s always a concern in any piece of media, that someone who isn’t part of a particular community will include that community as a scrap or a token--or, worse, as a cautionary tale about that “kind of person”. I’m also not trans (technically, I guess; I dunno that I’m anything where gender is concerned, but that’s a conversation for another day), but the critiques of what the trans community feared going into a story that violent with a character they were going to be instinctively protective of were reasonable. And, yeah--I feel the same whenever queer characters of any kind turn up in darker genres, especially. 

Because, like, if a gay character turns up in a sitcom or a rom-com, they might be a joke. And that’s shitty. But if they turn up in a drama? A horror? A post-apoc zombie game? Then you run the risk of being a joke AND being shown tragedy and pain and told, “Hey--this is for you. This is your future. Say thank you.”

Bly, for me--a white gay person--does feel like a milestone. For how it painted queer love specifically, it does feel like it took into account love and humanity and not “well, Dani was always going to die because she’s gay.” It felt like “Dani’s going to die, because the thesis of the thing is that humans are made to die, and to tell this kind of story, this is just how it goes. But we can make sure she’s loved and happy while she’s here.” And while the creative team/actresses keep saying they just went in valuing human love and not thinking about the gay aspect as much, I find them doing that--coming at the story from a human center, instead of a label place--still allowed them to tell a story that really resonates with the queer experience. The coming out fears, the care of two women learning to trust one another, the found family aspect--that’s all very close to the heart of even modern queerness. They didn’t sacrifice the reality of the thing, they just didn’t focus so completely on the queerness that they turned the story into a plastic representation of what gay love is. It balanced. 

Still, it isn’t perfect. The other thing to consider with darker-tone stories is: is this happening to everyone? Is the violence just targeting the minority group, and everyone else is left safe and sound, or is everyone being damaged because that’s just the kind of story they’re telling? It’s a complicated conversation, and different people are going to have different answers. Bly is a sad story: Owen and Jamie are left without the respective loves of their lives, the kids are tormented by adults they trust, Dani suffers and ends up at the bottom of a lake. The genre comes for everyone, as it were, but I don’t know that we could say it does so equally. The Black community might not feel as kindly toward Bly, for example, since both Rebecca and Hannah wind up horrifically dead without getting to really enjoy happiness, as opposed to the white queer lead getting a lifetime of relative joy before meeting her end. There’s a lot to unpack, and those conversations are important. Like you said, a pretense of homogeny isn’t beneficial when it comes to forward motion through fiction. Or life. I do think starting from a place of humanity and moving outward is helpful for getting a story right, but I also think there’s more to it than just patting yourself on the back for getting one kind of story right. It’s an interesting conversation that’s important to keep having, to keep from seeing storytellers hit the point where they can say “we already did this, and now we’re done.” I would hope, seeing how Bly handled the love story, the next project the team takes on would just keep building on that foundation. 

[all-souls-matinee]

Paranormal Activity

I went through ‘a very strange time in my life’ a few years ago where I watched every single Paranormal Activity movie, some multiple times, thinking that would have no impact on my psyche. So here I am, someone who thinks the the franchise is bad and yet can remember every plot thread and every scare, and I might as well do something with that. These will be graded on a curve (scale of 1-5 stars) and not by their overall worth as movies.

Paranormal Activity (2007)

★★★★☆

Today the first movie in the franchise is lampooned for being boring and amateurish, with unlikable lead characters and a plot that doesn’t really go anywhere, but how are those not points in its favor? Isn’t that what found footage is all about? Critics and scholars contend it’s singlehandedly responsible for the genre craze that swept the United States in the 2010s after a relative lull in the early aughts, and it’s easy to see why. I’m not going to go so far as to say Paranormal Activity is a good movie (it’s not), but it is a very easy and engaging watch. 

With a cast of only two people and hardly any outside characters the story plays out as a domestic drama; yes, there are long stretches of nothing happening but it ratchets up suspense in a way that was unusual and refreshing at the time. Using a camera to feel in control of an out-of-control situation was a theme broached by the much better Blair Witch Project, and Paranormal Activity leans into it as a central thesis, making sure it’s a white hetero rich guy that’s doing the recording and only subverting that expectation in later films. The movie was even supposed to end [mild spoilers] with Possessed Katie beating her obnoxious husband Micah over the head with his beloved camera and the film cutting to black, and I think it leaves the story weaker and more scattered for having left that out. 

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

★★☆☆☆

Before I get into why this one sucks, I’ll give it the benefit of being the most solid entry in the franchise by far. As a prequel to the first movie it does its job by introducing additional family members in a bigger house with more cameras. They have to contend with the same demon, so it’s the same thing we’ve seen before but with much higher stakes, and that’s a perfectly good idea for building a franchise. I admire it for that.

Anything beyond structure and pacing is so much worse it’s laughable. Where PA1 had some originality going for it PA2 throws in every horror stereotype it can think of, including an insanely awful running bit about how the family’s Mexican housekeeper is the only one who can sense ghosts. The most novel addition to the franchise is extensive lore about the demon wanting to own a baby because of a pact made with a coven of witches, which made audiences across America lean forward in their seats and say ‘... what?’ Decisions like that cost the movie any kind of levity, scares, or interest in the characters, which were kind of essential things for the movie to have.

I’d honestly give it 1 star if it weren’t for the extensive drama over the automated pool cleaner. We spend so much time watching this thing I think I developed an emotional bond with it.

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011)

★★★★★

Paranormal Activity 3 is another prequel that takes us back to when the leads of the first two movies- Katie and Christie- were little girls experiencing demonic activity in the 80s (their stepdad is a videographer, which gets us past the question of how anyone in the 80s would have tens of video cameras skillfully set up around their home.) Objectively it sounds like even more of a pathetic cashgrab than PA2, but, and this might be the hottest take I will ever have when it comes to horror movies, it does its job it in a way that’s such a prefect mixture of original/bizarre content and safe bankable boringness that it’s the best movie in the franchise. It certainly cemented it for what it is today.

Movie no. 3 drops the ‘this really happened’ show the first two movies put on in trying to be like other found footage horror (read: The Blair Witch Project.) No more actors and characters sharing names, no more title cards thanking the police for footage, we’re all in on the game at this point and you don’t realize how much of a relief that is until it’s happened. Instead of trying to make the characters realistic and falling flat, they let them be a little more like characters to great success. Everyone plays their role in the story and makes the shaky plot work. It’s not good writing, but it has people react to things in interesting ways and builds up the lore of the franchise more effectively than either of the first two movies (helped along by a batshit insane finale that makes no sense but is so much fun it doesn’t actually matter.) 

This is also by far the ‘scariest’ movie in the franchise, and I think it’s a combination of practice and not taking everything so deadly seriously. Comedy helps balance things out (my favorite is a sex scene that folds into an earthquake scene that folds into a shot of earthquake dust landing on a ghost), and they’ve gotten tension-building nothingness down to a science. Using a camera attached to a slowly oscillating fan and a camera trained on a mirror in a dark room? Perfect ideas for freaking your audience out.

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

★☆☆☆☆

Paranormal Activity 4 was the long-awaited actual-sequel to the events of the first movie, using the hours of information and lore given to us by the prequels as a backdrop, and it... really flounders under that responsibility. We’re introduced to an all-new cast of characters, with a teenage girl taking the lead for a change of pace that doesn’t really go anywhere, and spend the first half of the movie wondering why the family we’ve spent so much time with was pushed to the side (it must be important.) The reason we’re given is that this new family has an adopted son who is (twist!) the witch-stolen-demon-proxy baby from movie two.

PA4 has the opposite problem of PA2; it’s not awful, but is so shaky and has so much lost potential it seems to drop all of the pieces at once. It does some cool things with suspense an xbox kinect, and the acting is fine, but while no one is watching a Paranormal Activity sequel for the screenplay this one needed good, grounded writing and didn’t get that. The loose plotting of the third movie was saved by its characters and by being a little more tongue-in-cheek, but 4 doesn’t have that to fall back on and has way more moving pieces than 3 ever did. The ending is especially egregious, bizarre even by nth-sequel-in-a-horror-franchise standards, and is never brought up again. Points for a convoluted weird plot that makes no sense, points redacted for a convoluted weird plot that makes no sense.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014)

★★★☆☆

Paranormal Activity 5 is so off-the-rails insane that it gets the coveted 3 stars, deserving or no. After back-to-back prequels and a disappointing long-awaited sequel, no one was sure exactly what this was going to be, and the movie seems to feel the same way.

Gone is the lore-heavy and tension-heavy stuff from the preceding years of footage. For the first half of the movie we follow a first-gen high school graduate named Jesse, who breaks into a mysterious neighbor’s house with his best friend. He gets bitten by a ghost and infected with ghost superpowers, then he and his friend group + love interest have a grand old time doing skateboard and levitation tricks using the ghost superpowers. I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect; it’s so dumb I love it ardently. Why aren’t all sequels like this??? 

Obviously the ghost superpowers turn out to be A Bad Thing tenuously connected to all the witch/demon stuff, and we have to get back to jump scares (now with added body horror), but the ways in which it does eventually tie back to the franchise are so ridiculous it’s delightful, and the twist ending, for once in this entire nightmare, is fantastic.

Paranormal Activity 6: The Ghost Dimension 3D (2015)

This one came out after my original paranormal activity run, and I considered watching it for the sake of being able to finish the article in good faith but I just can’t you guys. I couldn’t do it. Look at this.

That said, the thing about these movies is that none of them are a complete waste of time; even the worst entries in the lineup are entertaining and fun in a reality-tv-trainwreck sort of way, and that’s all very calculated. No matter what your opinion they earned the right to make this a franchise with too many movies and extensive lore. Happy halloween.

[writerproblem193]

So, it’s been a decade to the day since I started writing if I track from when I first started writing a novel at 11, though I wrote a few short stories for class before that. In those ten years, I’ve written 806,886 words.

353,706 of that is novels in various stages of completion

144,054 of that is in original short stories

309,126 of that is fanfiction

106,400 of that is for Supernatural

100,386 is the fic Ben’s Clues which isn’t even counting the two oneshots in the same universe. This was written in about nine months when I was 15

108,336 words of that is Carmilla

46,506 of that is Star Trek, across the various Treks

39,887 of the Star Trek is for DS9

35,556 of the DS9 is for Kira Nerys/Jadzia Dax

Honorable mention goes to Maximum Ride, my first fandom. I wrote 8253 words of fic on Max-Dan-Wiz

All this fiction writing also helped me in my continuing battle with university. For university so far, I’ve written 117,681 words. This is... not counted in my total fiction writing total. This is as WELL as that. Also, I don’t have a way of finding + calculating all the words I wrote throughout high school but I don’t doubt that it was a LOT.

In no particular order, a list of Most Notable and favourite things:

Ben’s Clues, my longest fic. It’s 100k of delighted nonsense focusing around Ben Braeden from the early show and an OC. This story has: bringing Gabriel back, some very funny “well I certainly want to grow up more functional than you” commentary on Dean, the use of black contact lenses to fool demons, evil cars, and evil YA novels.

Steal Your Heart, my original novella. I posted it on Wattpad WAY back in the day, and I still love it dearly. This story has: close family, straightbaiting, revenge, way too many Avengers references in retrospect, and a girl who wholly perceives herself as a weapon.

Even The Stars They Burn, the Carmilla Star Wars AU that came out all in one burning rush. It’s a series that ends with I’m Giving You All My Love, where the characters (and me) finally begin to heal from trauma. This story has: Laura as Anakin the disaster angst Jedi, Carmilla as Obi Wan AND Padme aka Laura’s wife who’s force-sensitive, a plot arc that I still am in awe that I wrote to this day, and some beautiful art by arthkael.

Untethered is the other story (also Carmilla) that came out in that kind of rush. I wrote it in one nine hour dash, including in the car on my way home from school. This story has: time travel bullshit, identity nonsense as they run across each other at different points in their own histories, me doing the “I made it worse then made it better” angst thing, and two girls in love across 400 years.

sealskinned, a Carmilla fic that is one of the few stories I’ve written that properly captures my obsession with water/merpeople/eldritch ocean energy. It’s also the first (and only) fic to get a podfic from someone else. This story has: selkie AND mermaid mythos, kindness and love being what defeats the ultimate evil, lesbians falling in love in a cabin on the sea.

Vampire Hearing, my Carmilla Big Bang epic that I wrote even as I ran the Big Bang itself with @elenaglbert. I’m proud of being able to put together such a long story. This story has: making out to pretend you’re not spying on people, vampirism + hearing loss as interconnected, bargaining with goddesses for life, refusing to give in, and soft dumbasses.

Otherwise Occupied and Counterbalance, twin DS9 stories that have a thesis of Fuck The Government, except one fic is directing that at Bajor and the other fic is directing that at Trill. These stories have: gays in space, exploration of what exactly it means to want to fuck up the government, healing from trauma, and SO MUCH found family.

what, then, could she complain of, except that she had been loved? a story based on Orpheus and Eurydice in original mythology. It’s the story I’m proudest of that I’ve written this year. This story has: deaf!Eurydice, Persephone as an ally to all women, an exploration of being loved vs being taken for granted, and “what if he DIDN’T look back and fuck it all up?”.

Obviously not all of my writing is up on the internet, but a lot of it is. My original work is on AO3 under the pseud Pingoodle, and the fanfiction under my main pseud ThatAloneOne. Both of these names were chosen WAY back at the beginning of this writing adventure. I think @elenaglbert aka Lanie is the only person who’s read everything I’ve written or like, 99% of it. Most of the stuff she hasn’t read is the stuff that requires an INCREDIBLY shattered brain to read and enjoy. You know who you are if you’ve read those ones. Anyway, it’s been a wild damn decade and I can’t say I’ll keep up the pace because a LOT of this was frontloaded and written when I was a young teenager who didn’t have to worry about capitalism but I’m certainly not going to stop writing anytime soon.

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

The Journals Of Derek Grady Part 1

This is a story set within my Bioshock Rebirth AU. A reimaging/reboot of the Bioshock franchise. https://geekgemsspookyblog.tumblr.com/post/626141727587270656/bioshock-rebirth-timeline-this-is-a-timeline-of-an Just as a heads up if anyone is wondering about the context. I’ve had some stories in my drafts for a long time now and I’m finally publicly sharing them.

I made a post talking about this. There is this character named Derek that was in one of my pilot stories for this AU. But I felt strangely ashamed of how I wrote him. But I’d feel it’s best to use him in better context. In something very intriguing. Mainly the point of view of the Rapture Civil War from someone who fought in it. 

There is this silly theme of certain characters being named Derek in some AU’s of mine. Usual they are men that seem well intentioned, but their mind isn’t always in the best place. I’m just gonna make this because this is something I wanna make.

This was first started/made on December 23rd 2020. I’m not gonna have this beta read. It’s time I just upload this shit. I got the two tags done with. But I would like to mention I was heavily or so inspired by the Star Wars Battlefront 2 Classic story. Especially with the first journal from this character being inspired by the, “Knightfall” level. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lgG2ENW5Ac Spoilers ahead.

12/31/2001. The attack on the Kashmir restuarant.

I was a young kid when I first arrived in Rapture. I was naïve like many others. Many of used to believe in Andrew Ryan’s so called, “Great Chain”, until things started to fall apart. Especially after the death of scumbag Frank Fontaine. I find it funny he tried to put on a nice guy act whenever he met someone new or when he was in public, but I’ve heard the stories. The stories of the type of man he was.

But after Ryan nationalized Fontaine Futuristics in January 1999, a lot of people weren’t happy. It was surprising how long it took something to happen. So much dividing of social classes, so much shit that had happened during those years. What was gonna happen tonight would change everything forever...

I’ve been on Atlas’s crew of bandits since July. I felt joining Atlas was the best decision I made in my entire life. Because I felt I fighting for the right thing, a good cause. But what Atlas had planned sounded to me almost like terrorism. 

Yet when I thought about it, I really thought hard to myself. After everything we’ve suffered, how Ryan started to push everyone away, how he tried keep himself in power. Even though Rapture was supposed to be the perfect paradise...Andrew Ryan, Brigid Tenenbaum, Augustus Sinclair, Sander Cohen, Yi Suchong, Sofia Lamb, and so many others...how they treated us.

First it was just riots, but now it was time for Ryan and everyone who supported him knew what we were. What we stood for. They were gonna find out we weren’t some bandits who kidnapped some rich assholes to get payback or robin hood archetypes helping poor folks. 

There was no more talk for peace. Because Ryan never gave a damn...he never did.

1/31/2002. The Civil War starting. Apollo Square. Atlas and crew.

It’s been a month since we launched an attack on Kashmir. Things started to really change because the war for this city finally had truly begun. I have never been in war, but with the skills I’ve learned from Atlas and Daisy. I’d felt I was ready, because I needed to be. Not many of us were actual soldiers. But that didn’t matter to us. We knew what had to be done.

But we didn’t knew that Ryan would try to make Apollo Square a prison camp. Yet that didn’t matter, when those so called security officers first started to set people ablaze when they tried escaping. We shot any who would tried to do such things again. When they were hanging people, we fought back because we got tired of their bullshit. We didn’t fuck around. I felt proud when I shot one of those damn officers in the head. 

Apollo Square was practically our paradise. Sure Ryan’s army kept trying to get in, yet we always defended it. Yet even without Ryan, we still had others to worry about.

I feel pretty damn grateful a lot of our weapons were smuggled from the surface. We kept some of the weapons Ryan’s men had as well. 

But I think what I felt more grateful was our leaders. Daisy Fitzroy was practically Atlas’s 2nd in command. She was a tough woman, she didn’t take shit. Considering she worked for that weird kinky lady known as Ava Tate, I can’t blame her becoming that. She’s one of the bravest and smartest women I’ve fought with. I’m surprised she didn’t form our rebellion first.

Bill was lucky enough to be convinced by Atlas to join us after he resigned from the council. But Bill was like us. Even though he believed in Rapture, he was just an old man who wanted the best for people. I found that admirable of him. I also think he’s grateful we hid his ass after he left Ryan. Considering how Ryan gets upset with whoever betrays him, he’d rather want them dead...yet that might of been different considering he was best friends with Ryan himself. 

Diane was new, she was a hostage once with Julie Langford. But when Ryan never paid her ransom and practically didn’t care for her. But I do think she noticed those Jasmine Jolene posters throughout the city, making Ryan’s betrayal seemingly more worse. She originally came to Apollo Square to yell at us of how we possibly ruined her life. But when she saw the shit we were going through, she soon understood even more of the situation. Especially when we heard it wasn’t made better when hearing Ryan’s thoughts on people like us.

She joined us rather quickly, she was like Bill in a way. Diane was honestly a kind woman, it always felt nice to have more supporters. I do find it surprising from what I’ve seen that her and Daisy seemed to have developed a thing. Yet I found it surprisingly adorable...mainly because it was so strange to see Daisy seem soft to another person. But I think it gave the ladies more of a reason to keep fighting on.

But Atlas...he was something else. There was a reason people followed him. I followed him for plenty of good reasons. He seemed like a action hero you see out of those films from Hollywood. But I have never met a man so kind, yet so humble. He was the best of us...or that’s what I thought. You can have a good laugh with him too while having a drink. The man had a family, but he didn’t spoke of them much to keep them safe. I also remember hearing he was a captain in the Irish army. Which gave us an advantage in some ways over Ryan’s men.

He was the perfect anti-thesis to Andrew Ryan. Atlas was someone many genuinely respected and loved. Men wanted to be him, women loved him. To me and others. He wasn’t just a friend. Atlas was sometimes like a brother, or even a father.

Sure he wasn’t perfect and did some questionable things. But we knew it was for the best. Atlas is our best shot at winning this war. And I’m proud to fighting side by side with him, no matter what. 

2/1/2002. Johnny Topside.

I never met the man, but Atlas knew him only for a year. The way he talked about Johnny. I’ve heard stories of him, well that’s because Atlas didn’t want his memory to die. Atlas said Johnny Topside was a diver who had discovered Rapture years ago and for sometime was forced to live in Rapture until he finally had enough. 

Johnny Topside was the start of our rebellion. He was the one that planted the seeds. Johnny was the first to stand up to Ryan, but it resulted in tragedy. No one knows fully what happened to him. But Atlas said Ryan had tried to erase Johnny’s memory from history, and that it was very likely he may of been turned into...a Big Daddy...the idea of that horrifies me.

When Atlas spoke of him, he spoke of him so highly. Saying that Johnny was like a younger brother to him. You could of even seen at times Atlas nearly choked up when talking about him. I can’t blame him, losing someone that was like a brother to him. I’ve would of been nearly tearing up.

The story of Johnny Topside was something that kept us going, it inspired us. Hell, it even inspired me. Atlas didn’t want his memory to die, because what he was doing wasn’t just for everyone. But it was also justice for Johnny...justice for everyone that had enough of Ryan.

My only disappointment is that I never got to meet Johnny...because when Atlas says he’d would rather had him lead us...that says a helluva lot about Topside.

2/3/2002. Booker Dewitt and Ryan’s personal guard.

I’ve heard the stories of Dewitt...he merely sounded like a ghost. But he wasn’t. This was the man that shot down Fontaine, and most likely helped captured Johnny Topside.

Captain Dewitt was known to the citizens as, “The Grim Reaper Of Rapture” and he damn well earned it. But he was also Ryan’s new best friend after Bill left. Dewitt kept Ryan’s enemies in check. Whether by killing them when no one was looking, or capturing them. 

Security was fine, but Ryan’s personal guard and when Dewitt was leading them...that was scary. I think what scared us rebels was whenever he showed up. He always wore that mask...which gave him more of a reason to call him a grim reaper...because he damn sure was.

Ryan’s personal guard weren’t just police officers enforcing Ryan’s rule, they were literal soldiers. They were formed when Johnny Topside had discovered Rapture. The guard was basically a better version of security.

They were made up of men who either genuinely believed in the, “Great Chain” or just were looking to be paid by Ryan. Some of them were ex soldiers, mercenaries, and they were all just horrible people. 

The guard weren’t pushovers, they had years of experience or training by Dewitt. They were merciless, brutal, and effective. The fact Ryan had now decided to use them even more now showcased he truly wasn’t fucking around anymore. He wanted to win this war. But we weren’t gonna let that happen.

I think we were just thankful they didn’t really use Plasmids...if they did...then I felt this war may be over already. But it also gives us a easier chance to kill them all.

2/15/2002. Splicers.

Over the years since ADAM was discovered. Splicers became thing. Poor folks who used too spliced too much...they were once people...but they were sadly monsters now. I think what surprised us is how some of them were on our side...but not many. Unless they controlled themselves.

The Splicers of many types were a pain in the ass for Ryan and Atlas. Killing the rebels or Ryan’s personal guard. They had no allegiance...all they wanted was ADAM...they were basically drug addicts. I remember seeing one time a woman shanking a man for his ADAM, we had to put her down.

I didn’t really use Plasmids much, or some of the others like Atlas, Daisy, Diane, and Bill. It seemed good for Atlas that some of the rebels didn’t try to splice up. Which meant we can deal with less people turning into those...things.

There was one time I had to put down one of them. The man was just 21, but he had spliced up so much that he had gone insane. He tried attacking Daisy and Diane, but me and Daisy took him down shot him in the chest. But he was still breathing.

...I shot him in the head...I hesitated at first for about five seconds...he was younger than me. I wanted to make his death as quick and painless...it gave me a haunting reminder of why we were still fighting. All this pain and suffering...it started with the discover of that damn thing called ADAM...

I’m surprised I haven’t spoken about Tenenbaum yet...I feel like she was 2nd in place for me to kill after Ryan.

3/15/2002. Big Daddies, Little Sisters, and Brigid Tenenbaum.

I think the other thing that haunts me a lot and so many others is these two...I’ve seen them countless times and I have fought them when I joined Atlas.

Big Daddies are practically these...monsters that used to be people...slaves to protect what were once literal children...

These monsters looked like literal giant diving suits at times...some had drills, some had guns. They were tough sons of bitches. These things could kill a man easily, or even a group of a men if you weren’t careful. 

But it’s the Little Sisters that horrify me and other rebels...not because they are dangerous or that they are killers. It’s the fact of what they are. They were children...or possibly still are...forced to collect ADAM because they were implanted with some...damn sea slug Tenenbaum discovered...

There is no known cure for them. I think many of us want a cure. But the only way to help these girls is something horrific...harvesting them. Atlas said it was to put them out of their misery. They had ADAM in them.

From what I’ve seen, some rebels harvested them, some didn’t. Daisy didn’t do it. Neither did Diane or Bill. I remember seeing Atlas making the most sickened face after harvesting one, he didn’t enjoy it at all.

I think it may of bothered Atlas some didn’t harvest them...but it’s understandable why some wouldn’t. Because I remember seeing one 37 year old man, after he had harvested just one Little Sister. The man about 5 minutes later literally put a pistol under his jaw and killed himself.

We all understood why he even did that. Because after you witness a child being horrified by you about to harvest them...it’s a sight you’re never going to forget.

I can still hear those girls screaming. Daisy and Diane do too...it’s in our nightmares. For some reason...the harvesting of a Little Sister scars me than seeing a Splicer or whatever else...I don’t know why...I think it’s because all that innocence was lost...or actually taken. Because there was no other way to help them.

It was all because of one woman, Brigid Tenenbaum. I heard she worked with Frank Fontaine to help make those girls into what they are. I’ve heard she’s had a hard life, but that doesn’t excuse what I find one of the most horrific crimes I’ve ever seen. She’s been in hiding for 4 years after being exposed for what she did.

If we ever find Tenenbaum...I want to put my foot on her throat...whatever what we want to do to her. To be honest, I think I want to kill her more than Ryan...because I don’t know how you can be forgiven for doing that to a child.

God forgives, and whenever I have to put down a fellow rebel because they spliced up too much, I make it quick and painless as possible...but Tenenbaum...quick and painless is not gonna mean anything if we ever find her. 

6/3/2002. SOS and Archie Wynand.

After six months of war with Ryan’s personal guard and the Splicers. Whether some were controlled or not...things were going south for us. We fought hard, we planned as best as we could. But nothing was working, because Ryan was nearly winning.

There was panic among us, we were fearing that all of this could be for nothing. But Atlas revealed something, which he said was a risk in case. He somehow gave an SOS message to the surface to whoever would get it. Because he knew we weren’t gonna win this on our own anymore. We needed help, we needed the surface to discover Rapture. But also, we needed someone to help us take down Ryan. It was on Sunday Atlas gave out the message for help. We prayed someone would answer it. Luckily for us, someone did answer it.

Despite his aircraft was shot down by Ryan, and being the only survivor of his squad. Someone had arrived. That someone was a young man named Sergeant Archie Wynand. An Army Ranger sent by the US Government to discover where the SOS came from. 

To be honest, I was worried by the fact only one man had survived. I’d feared we still didn’t stand a chance. But after I saw that man enter combat and killed so many Splicers, I have never seen a man fought hard like that. He was still young like me, but he was like a commando in his way. It was as if someone like Atlas again had come to save us. 

Me and him never really talked, but from what I’ve seen. That man is the bravest soul I’ve ever seen. He’s loyal to a fault and unbreakable, it was like seeing a warrior unlike any other. I will admit, I felt a bit jealous when Atlas has giving him a lot more attention than me. 

But Archie was important. Atlas sent him commands and he followed through. But I think what confused me the most was something Atlas had revealed earlier. Which resulted in ordering Archie to go to a certain building, a tower in the middle of Rapture. 

6/4/2002. Elizabeth.

A day before Archie had arrived. There was this strange new information Atlas had discovered. That there was some girl in this tower in Rapture. Her name was Elizabeth. Atlas had discovered it when raiding a building near that tower. 

We were so confused on why Ryan had a girl in this tower. In fact? Why was she there? Who was she really? Even Atlas was confused, but she seemed important.

But I feel our questions were answered when Archie saved her. I didn’t get to talk to her personally, but I have seen her in action with my own eyes. Along with some footage. 

Somehow, this young girl had some powers of an unknown source. She was able to summon old sentries, and other things. It felt unnatural. Sure the Plasmids and other discoveries in Rapture were very special...but what this girl could do...it made us question even more who the hell she was and why Ryan had her locked away.

Gonna admit though, she was honestly adorable.

6/5/2002. Elizabeth’s purpose, and what the Hell is Archie? What the Hell is going on?

I think it horrified me and the rebels of what Elizabeth was supposed to be. Why she was kept secret from Rapture. What Atlas had discovered more is that she was secretly a weapon Ryan would use in case against someone like us. A sleeper agent that would of slipped through our ranks or anyone else...almost like a female fatale Ryan wanted to make personally...it confused me because from what I’ve seen, she’s nothing like that.

But I think we surprised us more is that she had been in Rapture since 1983. For about 19 years, Ryan had her in there, with hardly anyone knowing. I think it sickened me a bit more hearing Ryan was gonna use a young woman as a secret weapon in case someone like Atlas came along. It was almost like what happened with the Little Sisters.

Yet the other thing that’s been on my mind is Archie. I’ve talked about how much of a warrior he was. Ever since he rescued Elizabeth, she’s been by his side ever since. I haven’t seen such a effective team. It was like they were perfect for each other.

But again, it’s Archie that has me thinking. Sure he’s a soldier...but compared to any of us...and even compared to Ryan’s personal guard. I have never seen a man be so efficient in what he does. This was a young man, yet he fought like he was like some sort of super soldier. Hell, I don’t even think Atlas and Daisy are that efficient. He’s fast and strong.

He was also using so many Plasmids without mutating. I couldn’t get it? He wasn’t becoming spliced up. I couldn’t believe it? I had lost count of how many times he injected a Eve Hypo into his wrists.

I think the scary part is how many Big Daddies he’s killed...how can one man kill so many. I didn’t understand it? But from what I’ve seen from footage is...him curing the Little Sisters...I couldn’t believe it.

Where were he and Elizabeth staying at? I heard Atlas yesterday say they were at Tenenbaum’s...I couldn’t understand...I’m confused...

6/5/2002 A bigger Big Daddy.

I didn’t understand nor could I comprehend what I had witnessed. Ever since Archie arrived...things were changing. What made me think this way was when I saw...something I didn’t think was possible.

Out of all the Big Daddies we’ve killed. I had never seen one so big. He was about 12 feet tell...he looked older than any of the Big Daddies. He looked similar to the Alpha series Big Daddies...I couldn’t understand. I was lucky to have lived, but I witness it killed so many rebels, Splicers, and Ryan’s army. This Big Daddy was vicious. It seemed like he was on a mission. As if he was tracking down Elizabeth.

I’m just in disbelief...I don’t understand.

I was a witness also to see Elizabeth teleport it somewhere...I think it’s dead...I’m not sure.

6/6/2002. The war soon coming to an end.

To be honest, I was fearing we may never win. But somehow we made it. Captain Dewitt was beaten yesterday, and now Ryan is soon to be dealt with. 

I’ve learned from Atlas that Tenenbaum had created a cure for the Little Sisters...I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. I asked him again if he was telling the truth, and he was. That’s why Archie and Elizabeth were staying with Tenenbaum somewhere. 

It still sounded so crazy. But the next piece of news is that these three would be coming to Atlas’s headquarters, our base of operations. I couldn’t believe I was seeing Tenenbaum...I had...weird feelings.

The plans were while Archie and others went to Ryan’s office to finally take him down. There was hardly anyone left to defend him. While Elizabeth and Dr. Tenenbaum stayed at Atlas’s headquarters. It...an experience meeting this young girl...even after everything she’d been through, but so kind. 

But I wasn’t gonna be staying for long either like Archie. Atlas sent me and some men to take over Fort Folic considering Archie and Elizabeth’s recent visit there. As if the freak that was Sander Cohen had finally left somewhere. It was no longer locked up.

I felt genuine hope for the first time. As if this whole nightmare will finally end. But I will admit, I wanted to kill Ryan as much as anybody else. I had my orders, and I listened. Besides, taking back Fort Folic was a huge win

I do recall Ryan playing golf at times. Hopefully when Archie gets to his office, he’ll beat the Walt Disney lookalike of a fuckhead with his own golf club. It’s what Ryan deserved...it’s what many of us wanted.

6/7/2002. Atlas...and the end...

...I don’t even know what to say...the war is over...it’s actually over...

But it didn’t end with Ryan dying or getting captured...

Atlas...our leader...my hero...my best friend...the anti-thesis to Ryan...was Frank Fontaine.

He’s dead...he was brutally hung...by Archie...his corpse is hanging for everyone to see...he...looks like half of a monster.

Everything we’ve done...everything we stood for...I feel betrayed, but I feel relived. I think others are feeling a similar way...I need no I want answers...

6/8/2002. The birth of the Vox Populi. Tenenbaum discovering these journals.

I think what happened on Thursday and Friday...changed so many of us...even myself...I thank Daisy and Diane for explaining it to me.

There was a huge meeting with the remaining rebels. Archie, Elizabeth, and Dr. Tenenbaum joined in as well. So many discussions were had. Rapture was finally ours...

While Splicers were still a thing, and some rich assholes were still around. Considering half of the city was still going, but we came together to formulate a plan. 

There won’t be another Andrew Ryan, or even another Frank Fontaine. The end of the Rapture Civil War was only the beginning of something much better. 

We weren’t just called rebels anymore, we were officially given a name now. The Vox Populi. It was Daisy’s idea for the name. We were basically the reformed version of Atlas’s rebellion. But now, we had genuine people who actually gave a damn. Who wouldn’t use us as puppets. That we will strive for a better tomorrow. 

For peace, a better community. So we can help out every Little Sister we can find out there, and help whoever else is in Rapture. We’re gonna make this shithole of a city a better living place. No more tyrants, no more conmen, no more rulers, just people wanting to make this place a better place for everyone.

Justice, peace, and all that...I think many of us are still getting over what happened with Atlas...I’m still getting used to it...I’m just grateful it’s over.

But before this the huge meeting, Dr. Tenenbaum discovered my journals...she read what I wrote about her...our struggles. I apologized to her, but she said it’s okay. She said she doesn’t blame me for being angry. I think what surprised me more was the one person that her the most was herself...

For some odd reason, I forgave her...she just stared at me with surprise. She gave me a small smile...and then I said I think I could forgive her after everything she’s tried doing to fix her mistakes. Because I told her trying to fix your mistakes is better than doing nothing.

[friendofhayley]

ship history meme

Embrace your past and get to know your friends’ fandom origins!

Rules: Post gifs of your fandoms / ships starting with your most current hyperfixation and work backwards. (Bonus points if you share any stories about how or when you got into that ship! But not necessary!!) Then tag anyone whose fandom history you’d like to learn about!

Tagged by the most gorgeous, smartest, sweetest, and kindest person in my life @sightetsound​ <3 Sorry y’all, I have a lot of hyperfixations and I’m on NyQuil!

1. Katsuki Bakugo and Eijiro Kirishima, My Hero Academia - I literally can’t watch Season 4 until it’s finished because my heart will Explode if I’m left on a cliffhanger involving these too!!! (Unbreakable T.T <3) I don’t usually like animes but I fell in love with his trash bastard and his soft rock boyfriend by the villain’s attack in S1. It all started when I got a TikTok because a Very Hot Bakugo cosplayer was on there. (Literally, their rendition of Bakugo is just, umph. They have appeared in my dream.). As she got more popular he started cosplaying more of Class 1-A of MHA, and I kept wondering?? What the fuck is this anime about?? Why is there an alien girl?? I soon gave in and watched the show to gain context to this thirst trap. I have so many feels for these boys, even though I don’t post on them much here, and T.T

2. Alec Lightwood and Magnus Bane, Shadowhunters - I literally almost wrote my thesis because of this ship. I got into Shadowhunters because I was depressed in a foreign, racist country where I couldn’t go outside alone because old white men would corner me on the street, and everyone was talking about how Mike from Glee was kissing a guy at a wedding? Instead of partying during my study abroad trip, I gobbled down Malec content. And like who wouldn’t?? Harry Shum Jr. was playing a bisexual warlock?? And he had lines and a main character role??? An interracial couple where the characters are both POC?? Sign me up! But then I quickly fell in love with awkward gayby Alec and immediately knew how it felt to be in his shoes. (Disclaimer: I still haven’t finished the show because I don’t want their story to end, but just seeing their wedding scene????? Tears!!!!!!!!!! Both wedding scenes! I-) I just love how soft they look at each as they realize how lucky they are to be able to fall in love against the odds. T.T They deserve the world and all the warlock and shadowhunter babies and T.T This is just going to devolve into me crying so-

3. Stiles Stilinski and Derek Hale, Teen Wolf - I got into Teen Wolf to escape the hellfire that had become the Glee fandom around S3-S4. (Tbh it might have been Dereklei’s constant Sterek content on my dash that led me to give in.) Stiles was bi (through subtext) and definitely turned on by an older werewolf. What more could a depressed Gleek ask for? And listen - now looking back, Sterek is definitely gay Twilight - if Bella was snarkier, had a mental illness, and also a personality. Sterek was the ship to get me back into writing fanfiction and where I could read paranormal characters working through PTSD, ADHD, and other mental illnesses while fighting monsters and having unrealistic sex! I also love those future fics where Beacon Hills isn’t a Hellmouth anymore, and everyone’s alive and just living as one big found family. Truly, Derek deserves the world and I love him so much, and Stiles definitely agrees.

4. Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles, One Direction - If it’s a surprise that I’m a dark larrie, please read my bio. HL made me believe that love is real and exists and can last for years. I got into One Direction in 2011 through a Lilo fanfic, but as soon as I watched the Video Diaries,,,we knew. Louis has saved my life in ways I can’t describe and the songs that they’ve written for each other through their tough times are so inspiring to listen and dance to. Seeing how they’ve been dragged apart by management, Sony Entertainment, and the whole music industry as a whole even though they exist in glass closets is very disheartening to see. But their resilience that they show through their art (Only the Brave, Sweet Creature, If I Could Fly, and like so many others) is always there. If you want to fall in this rabbit hole, look at freddieismyqueen on YT and come inside lol. Larry is real.

5. Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson, Glee - the ship that got me on Tumblr! I didn’t start watching Glee until the summer before S2 came out. My whole choir was into it and I didn’t want to be “mainstream”, but Kurt was the first openly gay teen character that I saw on TV. When I heard a character played by Darren Criss, a musical theater YT legend from AVPM, I had to watch it. I ended up binging the first season with those Netflix DVDs during summer break (yeah remember when Netflix wasn’t streaming? lol). I watched every episode of that god-forsaken show the night of (or night after illegally, hidden from my parents) for that ship, and then me and my best friend would rant about it for the whole week: rinse and repeat. The episode they got together made me scream and I definitely put those Glee Rewind songs in my iPhone. (Fun fact: I used to cry at night because I wished someone like Kurt could love me like that because I heavily related to Blaine and his whole situation). I naturally stopped watching Glee the moment they broke them up and I’m still mad at their hasty attempt to marry them out of nowhere with no well-written getting together / make-up arc other than Jigsaw?? and a barn wedding?? As if Hummel would. What a trash fire. But dang, Glee fanfics have some of the dirtiest, kinkiest, forbidden fics out there. If you were ever on Glee_Kink_Meme on LJ, you know.

6. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter - the ship that started it all, the big kahuna, the ultimate enemies to lovers for 90s kids. Drarry got me into the fandom world in middle school, where I basically lived on FFN and LJ while pretending to do my homework. I used to get ready every day by watching the same playlist of “The best Harry Potter videos on Youtube!” (curated by Ariel333Lindt, who was the only queer person I knew but lived in Eastern Europe, where I could see two gay people kiss and fall in love in the safety of my room through badly photoshopped videos. Please check out that playlist). I just love how each fic is a microcosm where they have to construct how magical systems work, the backstories of pureblood families, creatures, or just wizarding culture for the end goal of having Drarry fuck and fall in love! I love redemption arcs that take 200k to achieve, I love dark!Harry takes, and every single different damn take on Narcissa, Pansy, and Millicent - because deep down that’s the writer trying to come to turns on whether or not Draco should be redeemed to get together with Harry. (I mean we all know they’re obsessed with each other, book 6 anyone?) I feel like Drarry fics have the best worldbuilding and characterizations of these characters, and I just love those moments when Draco and Harry take a moment to take a breath together and realize how far they’ve come. No one else can understand how it felt to be the pariah or the chosen one, they both interacted with Voldemort the most, and they have the most history together. They should have gotten together! But I mean the author’s dead, am I right?

So that was a lot! Those are all the ships that impacted me that I still participate with. They have shaped me for better or worse, and have made me learn more about who I am and what I want (or don’t want) in a relationship. This was the most fun essay I’ve ever written on NyQuil!

I’m tagging @homosociallyyours​ because I really want to know your fandom story! Also @stozierbrak​ because I love you and must hear you gush about your boys. I’m also tagging @iamaqualady​ because you’re literally the most intriguing person I know and I’m glad we’re friends even though we haven’t interacted that much? ish? 

[richmond-rex]

🌹🌹 - If I’m not too late!

Oh, you’re definitely not late! I was here thinking to myself which excerpt I could post without giving too many spoilers away, and I remember I wrote the first chapter of a character study about Cardinal Beaufort on the days before my thesis’ viva—I needed to decompress and I couldn’t possibly try to write my usual fics and characters because nothing would come out right. But I had no emotional attachment to Henry Winchester whatsoever besides a mere curiosity and for once I wanted the challenge of writing a devious, cunning character. The fic is entitled Four Kings, Five Scenes and each chapter was supposed to portray the cardinal during four different reigns: King Richard II (ch 1), King Henry IV (ch 2), King Henry V (ch 3), King Henry VI (ch 4) and King Henry VI again (ch 5). Obviously, I realised that no one would want to read this story lol. It really was the stress of the moment that made me write the first chapter. Well, since I’m not going to publish it anywhere and the chapter is fairly small compared to my usual chapter length (5k or more), you can read it here below the cut! Tagging @nuingiliath because she might be interested as well.

OLD TEMPLE, HOLBORN

Late September 1398

“Tell me what I ought to do, brother.”

Henry Beaufort, newly-appointed Bishop of Lincoln, rolled the episcopal ring on his finger—amethyst flaring under the sunlight—and let out an exasperated, long-held sigh. He could see its tracking ascendence in the air, the way the dust specks caught in the sunbeam would spiral and dance. Though old as its very name suggested, Old Temple was still one of the finest episcopal houses in London, bought for the exclusive use of the bishops of Lincoln after the Knights Templar decided to move within the borders of the City. A dusty residence it might be, but it was still one of the various privileges acquired after Henry’s consecration, or perhaps more importantly, his legitimisation. Everything was coming together, and yet, all hung at the brink of destruction.

“You are the eldest of us, John,” Lincoln replied, voice softening. “It is for you to lead us once Father is gone.”

His brother turned from the arched window, face twisting into a frown. He looked lost, utterly and completely lost, the tip of his red chaperon thrown over one shoulder as if the very fabric was trapping him in place or threatening to coil around his neck and squeeze out his breath.

“You’re the family’s clergyman.” He entreated, stepping closer. “Tell me, brother. What would God have me do?”

It was Lincoln’s turn to frown. By then the morning had given way to noon and the bishop had just finished donning his purple robes, a gold-threaded stole hanging from either side of his neck. It was almost time for Lincoln to resume his administrative duties concerning his diocese—let not anyone claim Henry Beaufort had earned his mitre by bribery and favouritism. He ran a hand along his tonsured head—he still had to send for his zucchetto hat to be brought to him—and paused in that pensive state, partially choosing what to say and partially assessing when he should schedule another shaving.

“God would have you love your brother—” He clasped his hands before his stomach, magnanimously. “—and obey your king.”

It was the first opportunity the two Beauforts had to discuss Bolingbroke’s banishment from the kingdom. It was an urgent matter: Henry Bolingbroke was Duke of Hereford and Earl of Derby, and—that was the most important piece of information—their father’s rightful heir. He was to inherit the large possessions and prodigious fortune that belonged to the Duke of Lancaster, the richest man in the realm—or so it had seemed, at least until the moment King Richard sent him into exile. The king had not mentioned his Lancastrian inheritance but as all invisible things, it still had its own weight, it still cast its own shadow. Lancaster himself was no less worried for the omission of the matter. It hung heavily, unresolved, in the air. 

His brother John, lately elevated from his earldom of Somerset to the marquessate of Dorset, resumed his speech after a brief moment of consideration.

“I say Bolingbroke is a good Christian, brother. He has vowed to defend the faithful and I know he means well and true.” 

John would know, the two of them had gone crusading together. While John, Bolingbroke and Swynford were bonding over tournaments and military expeditions, young Henry had his head buried deep in manuscripts and missals. For a time it had been a fancy of Henry’s to imagine himself a Knight Templar fighting for the kingdom of Christ in the Holy Land: the armour, the tabard and the red cross, entire armies under his command as a Grand Master. A child’s fancy, yes, for the Templars were no more—yet there Lincoln stood, at the very place those brothers had once called home. There was a rightness to it, a taste he could feel at the very tip of his tongue. Lancaster might have arranged for the trio of brothers to be admitted into the Confraternity at Lincoln’s Cathedral but it was he—Henry Beaufort—the one chosen to command the entire diocese now. 

His brother John didn’t even seem to notice his state of reminiscence. He kept talking, his words coming to Lincoln’s ears in all of their ardour again.

“—I didn’t speak for Uncle Gloucester at the time and now it weighs on my conscience! Worse, brother, I condemned him! I called for his very arrest!”

“Woodstock was a traitor of the realm.” The bishop deadpanned. “It was your duty as a peer to call for his arrest. You know that as well as I d—”

A boy holding his purple zucchetto was just about to enter the room. The bishop dismissed him with a sharp turn of his head, shooed him away with a glare and a quick motion of his hand. The boy scurried away, his hurried steps echoing on the flagstones. Lincoln frowned, pressed his lips into a thin line: his own brusqueness had displeased him. He should be nobler in his actions, loftier, gentler even, a true shepherd of Christ. As he turned, he saw John had already stepped back to the window. Once again, he didn’t seem to have noticed any commotion around him.

“Be as it may, this time is different.” John restarted. “Our brother has done no wrong against the king. There is only one explanation for this—” John stopped short before he went further, checking himself at the very last minute. He didn’t utter the word, but it hovered just above them, somewhere over their heads. Retribution. Vengeance for the time Bolingbroke joined the Lords Appellant and rebelled against cousin Richard. One by one those rebels had been crushed.

The glass panels tinted his brother’s face with green, spots of red covered his face as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. Shocking blue, poisonous red, a liquid green so fresh one could almost drink. 

“It was cruel to make him fight Mowbray to the death, but there was still honour in it. There’s no honour to be found in exile.” He closed his eyes. “He has six children, Henry.”

This time the bishop’s reply was swift. “Father will take care of them. As will we if it comes to such an end. We shall support the family as we always have.”

John, still looking very much disheartened, acceded with a small nod. “You know,” he smiled weakly, eyes growing distant like a far-away ship. “I used to look up to him when I was little. All I ever wanted was to be like Bolingbroke, a true son of Lancaster.”

The sensation was familiar to the bishop himself, only his brother still seem to hold to that boyish memory as his heart’s truest wish, even now that his aspirations were supported by law: standing there at the bishop’s residence, John was dressed in Lancaster blue and white, their father’s SS livery collar hung over his shoulders, the S-shaped links crafted in pure gold and held closely together. 

A sting of bittersweetness washed over the bishop. What if… what if the king had Bolingbroke attainted? Surely, King Richard was unpredictable those days—no one had been quite able to placate his moods ever since Queen Anne had died—but if the king did attaint their brother, neither he nor his children would be authorised to inherit Lancaster’s lands and title. Perhaps… perhaps King Richard would choose to pass them over to Lancaster’s next legitimate male heir, in that case, his brother John himself.

“Dear brother, why do you choose to dwell in such sorrowful thoughts? Father loves you best.”

John turned to him sharply. “You cannot know such a thing!”

Oh, the plain irony of watching his brother’s face turned into a scowl that mirrored exactly the one their father was famous to possess! John had Lancaster’s same strong nose, as did the bishop himself, yet now at his anger, his brother had turned into the very picture of John of Gaunt. It was oftentimes that natural children would have their sire’s face if not his name, as if it was an underhanded way of nature to compensate for their social ostracism.

“He does.” The bishop repeated in a firm voice. He clasped his hands, a position that gave him reassurance in difficult situations. “Recall that Father has done everything in his power to make us his true children. He appealed to Parliament and His Holiness the Pope Himself, he moved mountains to secure our charts of legitimisation. All this time, he has extensively defended our cause to the king. Now, that same king has banished his heir from the land and the Duke of Lancaster poses no resistance. Why do you think that is?”

It was not exactly true, but it was what his brother needed to hear. Lancaster had, in fact, negotiated with the king to the best of his abilities, a piece of information that the bishop suspected his brother John knew already. The Marquess of Dorset was, after all, well-placed within cousin Richard’s circle. A more credible point against the bishop’s claim would be, however, that the Duke of Lancaster rarely ever showed his true emotions, fatherly or otherwise. It would be impossible to say whom he loved best.

“If Father will not risk his head over this matter, John—John, my beloved John! Heed my words now. You should not risk your own!”

John looked at him with such heaviness it bore into the bishop’s own soul. Henry walked over to his brother and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“You have a good heart, John. It is loyal and true and it bears testament to your character, but it will get you killed. Remember who gave you your earldom of Somerset, who made you marquess of Dorset, knight of the Garter, who married you to that illustrious lady, the king’s own niece. He who appointed you as Constable of Dover—”

“—Warden of the Cinq Ports, Admiral of the Fleet in the North and West, Lieutenant in Aquitaine, I know, I know!” John took a long breath. “I know. The king, our cousin.”

King Richard himself had fastened the earl’s belt during John’s girding; the king himself had draped the velvet cloak across John’s shoulders. The ceremony had been clear enough: the earl’s power derived from his authority and his authority alone.

The bishop retrieved his hand from his brother’s shoulder slowly, pulled it back inch by inch until it was safely resting against its twin counterpart, flat against his stomach. 

“Father has been unwell. When the Lord deems time to call him to His side again, who will look after us? Remember our brother Tom, so young and not yet a peer. Remember Joan and her children. Remember Mother.”

“No. No, brother, you speak true.” John conceded with a nod. “I can’t endanger your safety nor leave any of you unprotected. I cannot defy the king.”

There was resolution on his face, yet there was sadness as well. The bishop still sought a way of soothing his brother’s heart. “Let me be the one to speak for our brother. Cousin Richard already knows I’ve had my whole diocese pray for him. I stand safer as a prelate than you do as a courtier.”

In a second, his brother gripped his shoulder, displaced the stole hung around the bishop’s neck with a heartiness that surprised him. As though they were mere, simple children again, John smiled in truth at last.

“You have always been the wisest of us, brother. Yet,” He looked down,chuckled. “Yet sometimes I still remember that boy who vowed to God he would become pope.”

Bishop Beaufort felt his lips quirk up—a genuine, delicious thrill elicited by the memory—and so, accordingly, he lowered his eyelids in modesty. “All wisdom comes from our Holy Mother, the Church. All grace from God the Lord Almighty and His Son, Christ the Holy Lamb.” His prelate answer given, he glanced up again. “Sometimes I caught myself thinking of that boy as well, dear John, yet times have changed.”

John raised an eyebrow, apparently befuddled. “Have they?” 

“Yes,” The bishop replied, no longer speaking of the ambitions held for a long time inside his heart. “If for the better or for the worse, only the future will tell.”

_______________________ *notes: it’s said that John Beaufort, while still suporting Richard II at the time of Bolingbroke’s invasion, might have played a double game. When he was captured by his brother’s forces and the Percys called for his execution, Henry IV is supposed to have said: “I beseech you do him no harm, for he is my brother, and has always been my friend; see the letter he sent to me in France.” Henry IV later made John Beaufort his Lord Chamberlain.

Henry Beaufort remained close to his brother John up until his last breath. The bishop stayed by his side at St Katherine’s hospital while he was dying. Henry was made executor of John’s will, a mark of deep trust, if not also affection the brothers had for each other. It may explain why Cardinal Beaufort vouched for his nephews, his brother’s children, so fiercely in the coming decades.

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Back to my Safari bookmarks! If you’re wondering why I’d make hundreds and hundreds of bookmarks from tumblr, it’s because I had anxiety and didn’t have a blog yet. Took me a while and eventually I just impulsively made it one night.

- awww ancient Stucky fanart

- several etsy articles that are no longer available

- “Oops! Website deactivated”

- many, many, many links to nothing, but also an array of super random tumblr posts, and when I say random I mean random

- this was when CATWS was fresh and people were like :O

- a list of recipes to replicate fast food from some American chains at home... ew why would I want to eat any of these things ew ew

- past me, please explain, why would you bookmark all this stuff. why so many bookmarks of possible iphone cases to buy. you did buy some eventually. why keep these b--

- horizontally cutting an apple and putting peanut butter inside it DOES NOT make it a sandwich, American person who wrote this article about sandwich ideas. Wait, “Apple and Gruyere Waffle Sandwich”? That’s even worse.

- you again?? No, using a tomato instead of hamburger buns DOES NOT make a hamburger. How am I supposed to bite into the sk... nevermind.

- awww a bunch of etsy links about products for babies! This is from when my nephew was born ^-^

- a 2004 essay about Dumbledore

- that manga about Jesus and Buddha in modern Japan

- pictures of blooming tea... I have purchased some from a Chinese reseller through Amazon a very long time ago, but the package is “in transit but late” :(

- Roberto Ferri���s paintings (those beautiful ones you saw years ago all over tumblr)

- pictures from the 1930s/40s in color

- super cute pet videos

- nothing says “Etsy” like kintsugi kits where you’re sent a broken object to repair (I didn’t want one, but the link showed me those)

- sure, pick a theme for your blog where microscopic text is written in beige over white background, I’m sure that’s a good idea

- do you think John Winchester apologists who get really intense when someone brings up literal canon still exist on this site or. Actually no I don’t want to know.

- I miss the Carver era meta guys

- an essay that reads the Iron Man trilogy through the lens of “cyborg feminism” but somehow the Iron Man trilogy seems to be a fever dream. That’s what happens when you make other 9472 terrible movies with Tony Stark in it when he’s always written terribly.

- Oh boi remember fanmail. I miss fanmail. They should being back fanmail.

- random stuff, broken links, random stuff, I’m deading, even Safari is suffering I had to close it and open it again asdfghjkl

- Writing Exercises (I’m not checking if it’s actually useful rn tho)

- this smol 2014 article about the Captain America fandom will make you cry now because we had such a good thing and they chose to punish us for it

- https://musicroamer.com and http://www.liveplasma.com

- oh man an essay on why it would be so important for many people if Johnlock became canon. I feel so sorry for the TJLC people, they deserved better

- damn!! Look at this Etsy store!! Look at this stuff!! I want!!

- that time Sergei Polunin danced to Take Me To Church

- the Supernatural soundtrack, episode by episode

- a twitter account that got suspended?? (But also ewwwww twitter shows me what’s trending in my country and ewwwww)

- Centuries Before Memes, There Were The LOLCats Of Japanese Woodprints

- there’s a broken link to a page inside the site “thetoast” and their broken link page says “Oh, bother.” and a picture of a burnt toast

- http://lexicity.com (The first and only comprehensive index for ancient language resources on the internet.)

- NASA Goddard Youtube channel

- omg this is so funny. An article about “awesome recycling ideas”. The objects to recycle? Include? A grand piano; a sea mine; an old boat; another grand piano; A BOEING 747 JUMBO JET ENGINE; another boat; sliced cars; multiple more pianos... thank you I really needed an idea on what to do with that stuff in my garage

- one of my first tumblr posts............. you really want to see it? do you? okay. But you need to be familiar with that famous Nietzsche passage about the announcement of the death of God. Yeah, I know. I can’t fathom how I got thousands of people to follow me.

- an amigurumi project I actually tried, with an acquaintance’s help and all, but I just couldn’t

- a folder of random stuff lebeled “bau” (“woof” in Italian, you know, what the dog says)

- more resources for my thesis I never used

- the map of the central building of my university (I always get lost in it)

- once upon a time, the most used word on the internet was “codependency”

- thanks, past me, for grouping all these links from tumblr blogs that changed their url all together so I can just delete everything with a single click.

- a folder “sherlock meta”. Blogs that deleted. (*touches the ground*...)

- discussions on the dismissal of the queer reading of Sherlock :’) I’m sorry guys

- it’s a good thing I didn’t have a blog back then. If I’d reblogged all the posts I’ve saved it would have been a mess.

- TEEN WOLF META asdfghjkl I routinely forget that Teen Wolf is a show I actually watched. Sure, I abandoned it at some point. Like everyone else did, I think.

- guys, we’re at posts from the first few days of 2014. We’re about to enter 2013. I don’t know what we’ll find.

- Destiel posts. These are all Destiel posts.

- a link to the Naruto manga on a manga reader site.

The Safari bookmarks end here, I think because for Christmas 2013, if I remember correctly, I got a new laptop. But there’s a folder with some bookmarks I imported from the old one... 

- some resources on disability representation, random tumblr posts, and the family free of the Julio-Claudian dynasty

- super random tumblr blogs?? including the demo.tumblr.com??? idek

- oh boi. A super mega amount of tumblr blogs. How am I supposed to open these?? If I open all the tabs I’ll make my laptop crash... I’m not opening them. Most are unfamiliar, probably fandom blogs that changed their url twice a month, but I can spot a few I still follow :) Congrats, I “followed” you long before I had a blog myself.

Well, this was anticlimatic. Apparently, past me already got rid of all the wild stuff. There’s not even a SINGLE Glee thing? Not one? From 2014? Wait, what was airing in 2014? Season 5? Yeah, maybe that’s a reason. Still.

NEVERMIND I FOUND THEM, they’re no longer saved in a browser, I had changed laptops or sth and I had copied my bookmarks in a email I sent to myself so I could find the links again (which obviously says I made a selection, who knows how many bookmarks were lost. I don’t want to know lmao). I obviously have no reason, time or will to open them, but I can tell you I had divided them in categories:

- uni courses; Japan/Japanese; manga; philosophy and academical stuff; recipes; mixed [oh boi there’s some weird stuff here]; very useful sites; quotes & lyrics [what for?]; videos; Glee stuff; Glee art from DeviantArt; Glee tumblr blogs; Klaine-specific tumblr blogs; Supernatural stuff; Destiel-specific; my most used sites; Deviant Art - fanart [not specified, so I’m betting this is manga fanart - correction from some urls I can tell this is yaoi fanart, yep]; Deviant Art - non-fanart; watercolor images; Deviant Art - food; Deviant Art - pictures of Japan; something very embarrassing I’m not admitting it [no it’s not porn, that would be less embarrassing]; assorted tumblr posts; Supernatural meta; other tumblr posts.

So yeah that was my 2013, how was yours?

[xlivethroughthisx]

I’m 14 years old. I’m sitting in the office of a therapist I have accessed through the government-funded Family Services department. I started seeing this therapist when my parents found out I was cutting myself. I have two best friends. The first also cuts, and the other shares my penchant for thinking about killing myself. Our conversations go something like this:

“If you died, I would kill myself.”

“Me too. I love you so much I would definitely kill myself if you died.”

We don’t talk about why either one of us would die, or why we so often talk about killing ourselves. We do talk about how we would do it, daydreaming together. Our top two choices are the train tracks and the bridge. Sometimes we sit on the train tracks together until the train comes.

I’m sitting in the therapist’s office and I hand her a poem written on a sheet of lined paper. It is the first time I tell someone other than Savannah that I want to die. Except I don’t say anything; I just hand her a poem about how I want to die. The therapist looks flustered and leaves to talk to her supervisor. Most of the therapists here are students; that’s why they work for the government and why my parents don’t have to pay for me to see them. The therapist leaves me on the couch, a band-aid on my fresh cuts. I’m terrified. She comes back after a few minutes looking reassured. We don’t talk about the poem.

My plan was to jump off the Lions Gate Bridge in the middle of the night so that no one would see me, and no one would know what happened to me. I would walk to the bridge and lean over the railing, staring into the blue-green abyss. It seemed so close I could reach out and touch it. I was too scared to jump.

Suicide is like a childhood friend. It lives in my sternum, always ready to offer comfort. It’s a place I can go to in my mind. It’s a red EXIT light in a dark theatre. It’s the piece of string I trail behind me, my way out. Somewhere between childhood and adulthood, it’s not a friend anymore. It gets loud and convincing and seductive. It’s not enough to daydream. It demands more. I’m restless and thinking about killing myself doesn’t settle me. It pulls at my pajamas and beckons me outside; tells me to get serious.

I’m 20 and in my second queer relationship. I leave my first love for a woman who is 27 and makes fun of my newness, my inexperienced crush. I move to a house two blocks from hers. She wants me when she is lonely. She takes me to dive bars and ignores me while she flirts with other people. She calls me in the middle of the night and asks for sex, so I lace up my sneakers and walk to her door in the pitch dark. I feel electric when we’re together. A live wire cut loose on the highway. I leave while she’s sleeping, crawling back to my apartment sore and empty and numb. When she decides she doesn’t need me anymore I start cutting my legs. I pray for death every night. I’m still too scared to die.

I fall in love with a woman who loves me back. I believed love was supposed to feel like fear, so I don’t recognize it at first. It settles in my stomach warm and bright and sure. I still want to die. When I tell people I want to die, they either believe me or they don’t. The ones who believe me look unsettlingly deep into my eyes and ask if I’m safe. They encourage me to go to the hospital and offer to take me there. The ones who don’t are the ones who work at the hospital. I go because the people who believe me really want me to stay alive and I believe that the hospital is where you go when you’re sick. The ones who don’t believe me tell me I have such a strong support system. I have so much to live for. I’m doing so well at school and work. I learn that I need to convince them, so I answer all their questions honestly. Yes, I want to die. Yes, I know how I would kill myself. Yes, if I leave here, I will kill myself. Somehow, I still don’t think they believe me. It comes across in their eyes, their smirks, their chuckles. But they are required to hold me because it’s the law. They rip the band-aids off my forearm, letting me bleed. They make me strip naked and take away my underwear. They give me a set of paper pajamas and thick socks with huge smiley faces on them. I sit in a hard plastic chair waiting for the psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist arrives laden with paper bags from Nordstrom. She ushers me into an examination room. It’s midnight.

“Why are you suicidal?”

“I don’t know.”

She chuckles.

“I think it’s because you didn’t learn your dialectical behavior skills properly. You should re-enroll and complete the program again.”

My desire to die crescendos to a fever pitch. I failed therapy and need to repeat a grade. “I’m really tired. I just want to go home and sleep.”

She turns to my girlfriend: “What do you think? Are you able to keep her safe?” My girlfriend looks at me, exhausted and heartbroken, and says yes.

“Okay. I think we’re going to admit her for a couple of days.”

My stomach drops. What’s happening?

No one tells me what is happening, but I know I will be arrested if I try to leave and they have my clothes. I take an Ativan and fall asleep waiting for the ambulance to transfer me to the psychiatric hospital. At 2 A.M. someone wakes me up and ushers me into the ambulance. I remember the paramedics were kind and warm and made me laugh. I remember the paramedics were the first to show me empathy. The paramedics drop me off at the nurses’ station and answer a questionnaire with my head and eyes swimming. I have excellent blood pressure. I sleep in a single room until shift change when I’m moved into a room with three beds. Over the next four days, I sit in the sunny art room and draw with pastels. I eat the most heartbreaking food out of a plastic tray. I feel worthless. I meet with a psychiatrist and tell him I don’t want to die anymore.

The psychiatric hospital is located on my university’s campus. The university where I am enrolled as a fourth-year psychology honors student. Where I work in two labs studying depression and suicide. It’s July, and I can see summer students milling around the lawns. This is the first time I learn, deep down, that hospitals are not where you go when you’re this kind of sick. I learn that there are no therapists in psychiatric hospitals, and psychiatric hospitals are designed to humiliate, subdue, and punish. I learn to keep quiet if I want my freedom.

Over the next year and a half, I want to die every day. I’m angry all the time, at everyone. I’m fired from the job that had tethered me to life. I lose relationships because my anger burns and spits. I don’t kill myself because the love I feel for Rachel is louder than the suicide screaming inside my head. I don’t kill myself because my baby brother needs me. I am rejected from graduate school and I can’t imagine a place for me in the world. I fly to Pittsburgh to present my honors thesis at the North American Society for the Study of Personality Disorders. Every day I wrestle the thoughts into submission. It’s a hard and sweaty fight. I hurt myself to keep the thoughts quiet. I pour boiling water on my skin because I need it to hurt worse.

After I graduate, the thoughts get quieter. It’s a slow fade, helped by the absence of constant rejection and criticism. I can’t hear them every day, only every few weeks. I have lived with them for too long to believe they are gone, and I relish each quiet moment that the pain is soft enough I want to stay. There have been months now since I’ve opened my skin. I decide not to pursue graduate school in clinical psychology despite my honors degree and I stop working in the lab. I don’t know who I am without these things, but I know that these things make the pain too loud. I care for babies and watch the seasons change. I grow a vegetable garden and feed hummingbirds and chestnut-backed chickadees and red-breasted nuthatches. I don’t know what I will do or where I will go if the thoughts get loud again, but for now, I live in the quiet.

[olyia-stories]

A response to @teasockschocolate ‘s AU about the soulmate AUs in the PJO universe. Since this is a companion piece it doesn’t matter which one you read first, but make sure to check out @teasockschocolate and @demigodsanswer out.

Annabeth hated soulmates.

Ever since her dad met his, Annabeth’s life had just gotten worse. Admittedly, she and her dad hadn’t been particularly familyish, but it had been the two of them. He used to let her fall asleep in his arms while he worked on his thesis paper, he took her out for icecream in the park after his classes, and he would ask her opinion on which human models to put on his battle of the Somme replica. They had been fine on their own. They didn’t need Lori.

The only reason her dad even liked Lori was because the first thing she said to him was written on his arm. And not in the “he tattooed it on because he loved her” thing, but because it was a silly soulmate mark. Annabeth just couldn’t understand why her analytical father would rely on a process for choosing who he loved as flimsy as “the universe decided for us.” And clearly, the universe got it wrong. Lori was awful.

All Lori ever did was complain about everything Annabeth ever did: “Frederick, tell Annabeth to stop playing “science” in the living room.” “Frederick, tell Annabeth to stop drawing on herself.” “Frederick, tell Annabeth to go to sleep.” “Frederick, if you don’t tell Annabeth to stop getting out of bed, I will.” Lori only saw Annabeth as a stain that needed covering up.

Then the monsters started attacking. Of course, they were attacking because Annabeth was a half-blood, but it’s not like she wanted them to come. But Lori blamed her.

“There must be something you can do,” Lori was talking to Annabeth’s dad. Annabeth should have been asleep, but the spiders were too much for her. Lori went on, “Don’t look so shocked, I know you tried to get her mother to take her back, all I’m saying is that maybe someone more like her could take her off our hands.” Annabeth stood very still, she had not known that her dad had tried to get rid of her, she thought he loved her.

“Lori, I don’t know what to do, Athena sai-“

“Athena isn’t here!” Lori cut Annabeth’s father off. “Even Athena didn’t want that girl. I think it would be best for our boys if we found a new living arrangement for Annabeth.” Annabeth didn’t wait around for her father’s response; she knew he would give in he always gave in to Lori.

Annabeth was not going to give Lori the pleasure of sending her away, and she didn’t want to live a moment more under the same roof as her stepmother. Annabeth decided to leave.

She didn’t know where she would go, so Annabeth wanted to be prepared. She grabbed a marker and made a packing list on her arm. With the list on her arm, she quickly packed her backpack. She pulled on a hoodie and snuck out her bedroom window. It was on the second floor, but the window opened onto the porch roof and from there she shimmied down the gutter. And just like that, Annabeth was free.

--

“Child, in order to be a successful demigod you must be skilled in a wide-range of activities.” Chiron studied Annabeth from where he stood on the porch. Annabeth had come to complain. She didn’t understand why the camp made them climb lava walls, and swing swords at straw dummies. She just wanted to spend time in the Athena cabin’s library. She had never seen so many books, and she wanted to read them all.

“But Chiron, knowledge is power! Therefore, I should spend my time learning as much as I can.”

“Ah but knowledge is power; you must learn as much as you can, which includes being knowledgeable in fighting and survival tactics. Now I believe your cabin is going to the forge for arts and crafts, you should hurry along.” Annabeth thought about what the centaur had said while she walked to the forge. She decided She would start by learning archery. She wrote it on her hand, so she would remember to ask her siblings to teach her later. For now, she was going to create a masterpiece.

--

Annabeth lived year-round at camp, so she had independent lessons during the school year. Chiron trusted her siblings to educate her, but they quickly realized that she was capable of teaching herself so long as she had the right books. So, they let her alone. Annabeth would read, and write notebooks full of her discoveries, and when she came up on things she wanted to study further she would write a note on her arm to look it up later.

--

Finally, she met him. The person she had been waiting years for. This boy was who Chiron had told her about. He was going to take her on a quest. Well, he would once he stopped drooling in the med ward.

Percy Jackson would get a quest; Annabeth was sure of it. He was the son of Poseidon, one of the major gods, that was the deal. Chiron told her she would go with him on a quest. She HAD to go with him.

So, when Percy was taken to the big house she was right behind him. She had on her magic Yankee’s hat, a gift from her mother when she made it to camp the hat made the wearer invisible. She listened to Chiron explain to Percy the war brewing among the gods. She watched Percy enter the big house and listened for his footsteps recede up the stairs before she took off her cap.

“Blah ha ha!” Grover yelped. “You can’t sneak up like that Annabeth! You’ll give me a heart attack!”

Chiron sighed, “I suppose you were listening to all of that?”

“Yes,” she respected Chiron too much to lie to him. “I want to go on this quest.”

“Annabeth, you know that it’s Percy’s right to choose his companions,” Annabeth was in the middle of formulating a convincing argument when Chiron added, “But, I will tell Percy that you have volunteered to go, and if he wants to choose you, you may go. Child it will be dangerous, and I would rather both of you would stay at camp and train. I fear, however, that peace will only return to the Olympians when the bolt is returned. The quest must happen.”

Annabeth nodded. Satisfied with Chiron’s promise she waited for Percy to come back down. She was going on a quest

--

Annabeth still didn’t regret volunteering for the quest. It quickly went up, down and sideways and veered left from there. They have so far blown up a bus, wrecked a statue garden, ruined a national landmark, almost died by mechanical spider, and now they were heading south in the smelliest truck on the highway.

The animal fumes must have gotten to Annabeth because she found herself talking to Percy about her dad. She plucked at her dad’s college ring as she talked. “I guess my dad never really wanted me. He met Athena while he was working his way through grad school. She admired his dedication and helped him develop his thesis. To reward him, she pulled me out of her thoughts. He wanted her to take me back. But he took care of me. Once he met his soulmate, Lori, he decided he didn’t want me.” Annabeth glued her eyes to the ground. She found it easy to talk to Percy, but she couldn’t look at him and tell him what had eaten at her heart since Lori said those stupid soulmate words. “He had her and then they had their kids and they were that meant-to-be family. I was just in the way from them being perfect.” Annabeth stopped. She needed to collect herself, she hadn’t talked about her dad in years.

“I’m sorry.” Just two little words, and yet they made her heart soar. Percy put so much emotion into his voice, it was clear that he had experience with family issues. “My mom had a soulmate, but I don’t know who it was. It’s not my stepdad, that’s for sure. I think it could’ve been my dad.”

“Gods don’t soulbond.” How could he believe in soulmates when his mom had to put up with his stepdad? Poseidon couldn’t have been his mom’s soulmate. She winced, “sorry, that was mean.” She hadn’t meant to be rude, but she struggled to be anything but critical about the soulbond.

Percy shrugged, “S’fine. It’s true.”

Annabeth thought for a second, then asked. “What about you?”

“What?”

“Do you have a soulmate?”

Percy clutched at his wrist. “Yeah, I do.”

Annabeth wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but this confession still surprised her. She looked into his eyes and asked, “Really?”

“Do you?”

“No.” at least, she never thought enough about soulmate marks to check. “What’s your mark? Do you know your soulmate?” Annabeth didn’t know why she wanted to know, she just had to learn all she could.

“Uh,” a blush crept up his face. “it’s a writing one and no. I’ve, uh, never talked to her.”

“Why not?” If it had been Annabeth, she would have found out who it was. Even if she didn’t believe in soulmates, having someone you can communicate with without speaking or technology, that could be useful.

Percy shrugged, “I don’t know…”

“You should.”

“Maybe someday. I’ve got enough going on now.”

“That’s true.” She paused, then added, “I think soulmates are pretty dumb.”

He gave her a strange look. “Why?”

She felt his defenses rise. “Believe in them all you want. But wouldn’t you rather choose who you be with? The universe shows you one person and that’s it. And isn’t it doomed to fail? The expectation of who someone wants their soulmate to be is always going to be so big that they’ll never live up to it. It’s just setting both of them up to be disappointed.” She had thought this argument through more than once.

“But it’s the one person that the universe is saying is perfect for you. I think that’s pretty amazing.”

Annabeth knew she wasn’t going to change his opinion. “Good luck. I’ve never seen a soulbond work out.” Feeling like her last sentence was a bit gruff she offered, “I don’t mean to… discourage you.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I mean, that doesn’t encourage me.”

She knew it, she had let her bitterness show. “Maybe the people I’ve seen just haven’t cared as much about it. You haven’t given up.”

He smiled. “I’ll make sure mine works. Even if it’s just so you can be wrong about something.”

--

Annabeth didn’t think much about that night on the zoo truck. The summer passed, and the school year came. She decided to try living with her dad again. She studied like she was back at camp, writing notes on her arm, reminders, and doodling to pass the time in class.

San Francisco felt calmer than when she was little. Her dad’s house felt normal. No monster attacks at first, but Annabeth couldn’t help but feel on edge. She was just waiting for the bubble to pop.

She was in her Algebra class when she felt it, a burning sensation on her left palm. It felt like she was bitten by a spider. Annabeth yelped. The classmates gave her a weird look, but that was normal. She was the only seventh grader in a high school class.

Annabeth looked down at her hand and saw a little blue dot on her palm. It looked like a pen mark, but Annabeth hadn’t put it there. Annabeth thought back to the summer, when she had shared a hay-filled ride with Percy, and he had shared what his soulmate mark was with her.

Annabeth couldn’t be sure, but perhaps she did have a soulmate. She needed more evidence; a stray pen mark didn’t prove anything.

Perhaps she should pay Percy a visit.

--

Getting up to Percy’s fire escape was the easy part. Calculating which window was his based on the outside of the building was more difficult. Annabeth climbed the fire escape ladder and peaked into his window, she had her Yankee’s hat on, so he wouldn’t see her watching. She had to know.

Annabeth pulled the cap off her pen and drew a little flower on her arm, while she drew, she watched Percy’s arm. There it was, her little four petaled flower. She smiled. Why did this knowledge make her happy? Percy was her best friend, but she didn’t like him like that… did she?

--

Stupid! Annabeth that was stupid! Why did she charge the manticore? All she had on her was her Yankee’s hat and her dagger, and she jumped a monster. She should have known better, but when she left the gymnasium and saw Percy there. His shield up and his sword out, she knew in that moment that if anything happened to Percy, she would never forgive herself. She did the only thing she could and distracted the manticore. She didn’t realize that he would simply take her. That Luke wanted her, but he didn’t want her like Annabeth had always hoped. He was using her as bait. She was how he would catch a goddess.

Annabeth needed a plan. But she could barely breath, let alone think. The weight of the sky was literally threatening to crash down on her, and all she could do was kneel under the pressure and hope Luke would come to his senses. She felt a prickling on her arm, when she looked the words were written out in red pen, “We’re coming.” Her arms surged with strength. Suddenly the weight of the world felt lighter. She knew who that was writing on her arm. Percy knew she was alive. He was coming for her. She wouldn’t give up. She couldn’t.

--

Annabeth knew Percy was in trouble from two blocks away. She could see the smoke billowing up from Goode high school. Annabeth and Percy were supposed to go on a date to the movies, she had taken the LIR from camp into the city that morning to meet Percy after his high school orientation.

Unfortunately, plans were void whenever Percy was around. She saw the smoke and hurried up the block just in time to see Percy jump out onto the street from a window, followed by a red-haired girl. She had freckles everywhere, and paint stains on her clothes. Annabeth wondered who she was while she watched the girl pull a marker out of her back pocket and felt the tingling sensation as the girl wrote her number on Percy’s arm, and Annabeth’s right arm copied it.

She stared dumbfounded at Percy, before turning on her heel and leaving the red-haired girl behind. She hailed a cab and waited for Percy to catch up. She crossed her arms, hoping to hide the thick black numbers. The cab came. They sat in silence.

How could she be so stupid. Soulbonds never worked out. She was a fool for thinking maybe they could overcome all the evidence she had collected saying otherwise.

Percy cleared his throat. “Could I… call my mom?” right, she had probably heard about the fire, his mom would be worried. Annabeth wished she had someone to worry over her. She fished her phone out of her pocket, careful to keep her right arm at her side. He quickly finished the call and handed Annabeth her phone. She again kept her arm close to her side. “Cold?” His voiced broke through her thoughts.

“What?”

“Just… since you’re…” He gestured to her folded arms.

She had hoped to quickly pass the cab ride in silence. “No.” she answered truthfully, hoping to stop the conversation there.

“Oh.” Percy continued. “I, uh, have a jacket in my backpack if you want.”

“No.” she couldn’t let him see the stupid number on her arm, and she didn’t want to talk to him. She turned towards the window and watched the familiar landscape of Long Island to take shape.

As soon as they got to camp she ran to her cabin. And pulled on a sweatshirt. She only hoped the marks would soon be gone, and that she hadn’t been too obvious.

--

The mountain exploded behind Annabeth. She didn’t let herself cry. Percy was a powerful demigod, and resourceful, and just plain lucky. He would make it out. She was sure.

She made it back to camp on her own. Hoping the whole way that Percy had beat her there. But no one had seen him. She tried not to notice her friends giving her pitying looks and hoped every day to see her seaweed brain crest the hill or walk out of the ocean. It got harder to hope as the weeks came and went. Annabeth pretended she was fine. She led her cabin through their activities always glancing towards the ocean, hoping to be the first to spot him. He didn’t show up.

The day with its tasks kept her mind busy, but the night was hard. She couldn’t sleep. She tossed and turned, trying to make a plan that would bring Percy home. She decided to write him a note. She put the pen to her hand and tried to think of what to say. But everything she wanted to write down seemed to swirl in her head. She instead wrote, “Hello?” That’s as far as she got before she couldn’t see with the tears welling in her eyes.

Two weeks passed, and still no word. Chiron decided to hold Percy’s memorial, to send him off properly. Annabeth stood at the fire pit and put the green silk cloth on the flames. She choked on the words, “He was probably the bravest friend I’ve ever had.” And the stupidest, “He…” she looked up at that moment and saw the impossible. What she had been waiting to see for weeks. “He’s right there!”

Annabeth vaulted up the amphitheater steps. And hugged him tight. He was alive!

--

It was August eighteenth. Percy’s birthday. Annabeth paused for only a second before writing out on her arm, ”Happy birthday.” She knew who was on the other end of this connection now, and she didn’t care about her data that said otherwise. She wanted Percy to know, she wanted them to work out.

“Thanks.” Was all he replied, and somehow that was all she needed. She couldn’t wait to see him again; they were going to make it through together.

--

Annabeth couldn’t believe this boy! How could she have ever liked him. They were standing near the tetherball court. She couldn’t believe he wanted to talk to her about his mortal friend Rachel. Sure, last summer she’d been helpful in the Labyrinth but that didn’t mean that she and Annabeth were friends. “What do you want me to say?” he seemed to put a lot of trust in this Rachel girl. How could he be so ignorant. She was a mortal, mortals don’t have visions. And besides he was just using this as an excuse to run away. She looked him in the eyes and spat out what she was thinking. “You’re a coward, Percy Jackson!”

Why had he never said anything. She was certain he knew, and their world could end any second. Beckendorf was proof of that. Why couldn’t he just talk to her! Why did every conversation turn into a shouting match? Why did she open her heart and let him in, when she knew that soulbonds never work. She couldn’t look at his green eyes anymore, she stormed away towards the strawberries, giving the tetherball a good whack as she passed it.

--

The war was over. They had won! And Rachel was now the new camp oracle. More importantly, Percy had turned down immortality. She was sure. She wanted to him to be her soulmate. She found him in the pavilion, lost in thought. She got out a pen and wrote out, “Hey.” He looked down at his wrist, then turned around to find her.

“Hey.” He had a little grin on his face, she smiled in return.

“Happy birthday.”

“What?” he looked puzzled.

she silently cursed herself, did she get the day wrong? “It’s August 18, You’re birthday, right?”

He nodded, and she let a breath out, she offered him the misshapen lump of birthday cake. It was delicious.

After a few minutes she couldn’t keep herself from asking what had been on her mind all summer. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“About what?” Annabeth couldn’t look at him, she was too scared. “I… I didn’t know for sure. If I was yours. And then last year… There was just so much else going on.”

Annabeth finally looked at him, she softly said, “I know, I thought I didn’t have one. I mean, I wrote on myself all the time when I was little.”

“I know,” he laughed, “I thought I was going crazy.”

“Why didn’t you write back?” She had to know. “When you said you had one… I thought it was someone else.” She didn’t say all that she was thinking, that she had hoped he didn’t have one, that she had liked him even all those years ago in that truck.

“I didn’t know what to say. But no, it was always just you.” Those words, the same way she had felt. Now she knew, Annabeth through away her caution and kissed him. He tasted like salt.

**Edit: I read the original fanfic on @demigodsanswer‘s blog but the AU “Whatever Souls are Made of” is by @teasockschocolate

[snorinlauren]

The Best Horror Movies Streaming On Netflix Right Now

The number of digital platforms on which fans of horror movies can find a good scare is just as frightening as the films they have available to stream. In fact, there is even one that specializes in bringing the best the genre has to offer (and then some). Of course, for those who only have so much time and money at their disposal, settling on Netflix to help deliver the spooks would not be a mistake.

There are enough horror movies available on the popular platform to keep you streaming into the wee hours of the night, mainly because you will not be able to sleep. Among the many fears you would be facing during this binge with iconically creepy classics, modern masterpieces of the macabre, and even some of Netflix’s own ominous originals, one you should not have to worry about is the fear of disappointment.

That being said, we understand that some phobias are more challenging to get over than others, so allow us to be a beacon of despair and point you in the right direction of what the best horror movies currently available to stream on Netflix. We figured that 13 would be an appropriate number, starting with an influential cult favorite that arguably pioneered the “cabin in the woods” thriller.

The Evil Dead (1981)

A weekend getaway and an old cabin becomes an unrelenting nightmare for one man (Bruce Campbell) after his four friends are possessed by an ancient spirit that turns them into grotesque and cruel creatures.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Writer and director Sam Raimi became the patron saint of low budget indie horror with The Evil Dead, that remains a timeless classic of astonishing influence that spawned two campy sequels, a brilliantly brutal remake, and a hilarious TV series that serves as a perfect send-off for Bruce Campbell's chainsaw-handed hero, Ash Williams.

Stream The Evil Dead on Netflix here.

Poltergeist (1982)

A family seeks help when their youngest daughter is kidnapped by malevolent spirits that have invaded their suburban home.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: From producer Steven Spielberg and directed by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre creator Tobe Hooper (well, depending on who you talk to), Poltergeist is an essential haunted house picture for how it expertly taps into traumas that people of all ages an relate to and may lead you to develop new fears as well, such as television static, perhaps.

Stream Poltergeist on Netflix here.

Child’s Play (1988)

A single mother (Catherine Hicks) enlists the aid of a homicide detective (Chris Sarandon) after discovering that the doll she bought for her young son (Alex Vincent) is possessed by the soul of a dead serial killer (Brad Dourif).

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Before there was Annabelle, there was Chucky, who may not have been the first toy responsible for giving children nightmares, but certainly became every horror fan's favorite of that kind upon the release of Child's Play, a classic slasher but pokes great fun at modern commercialism.

Stream Child's Play on Netflix here.

The Silence Of The Lambs (1991)

To catch a deranged murderer who skins his victims, ambitious FBI trainee Clarice Starling (Academy Award winner Jodie Foster) enlists Hannibal Lecter (Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins), a former psychiatrist and notorious cannibal, to help get into the mind of a criminal.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: While the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences may prefer their choice for the Best Picture Oscar in 1992 not be called "horror," with Anthony Hopkins' chilling performance and breathlessly suspenseful direction by Jonathan Demme, it is hard to imagine The Silence of the Lambs in any other category.

Stream The Silence of the Lambs on Netflix here.

Candyman (1992)

A graduate student (Virginia Madsen) investigating Chicago myths for her college thesis becomes especially interested on the story of a supernatural entity with a hook for a hand whom locals believe can be summoned by saying his name five times.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Tony Todd created quite a "buzz" in black horror history as the title character of Candyman, a creation from legendary writer Clive Barker based on the deliciously creepy concept of an urban legend whose existence depends on those who believe in him.

Stream Candyman on Netflix here.

Insidious (2011)

After their eldest son (Ty Simpkins) inexplicably falls into something even doctors hesitate to call a coma, a family (led by Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne) begins to fall prey to a relentless evil that seems to follow them whenever they try to escape.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Director James Wan and writer Leigh Whannell, the dynamic duo behind Saw who have since gone onto great successes on their own, created an indelibly frightening new classic to the haunted house sub-genre with Insidious, particularly for a nearly unprecedented twist that might actually have you thankful when it keeps you up at night.

Stream Insidious on Netflix here.

Sinister (2012)

Desperate for another bestseller, a true crime writer (Ethan Hawke) moves his family into a house where a disturbing murder took place, which he plans to research for his latest masterpiece, only to learn that the truth behind the incident is much worse than he could have imagined.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Oscar-nominee Ethan Hawke became an unexpected "scream king" after playing the tragic hero of Sinister, from Doctor Strange and The Exorcism of Emily Rose director Scott Derrickson, which is, arguably, the most ferociously unsettling supernatural crime thriller ever made.

Stream Sinister on Netflix here.

Creep (2014)

An amateur filmmaker accepts a request over Craigslist to film a terminally ill man's final message to his son, but quickly comes to regret the decision when his host's progressively concerning actions lead him to question if he is the one about to expire.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Conceived by its own stars Mark Duplass and Patrick Brice (the latter of which also directs), Creep is an underrated found footage gem that mostly lives up to its name (with a almost equally haunting 2017 follow-up that is supposedly the second of a planned trilogy), but the biggest shocker is how mumblecore pioneers Duplass and Brice essentially improvised the entire story from scratch.

Stream Creep on Netflix here.

The Invitation (2015)

A man brings his girlfriend to a dinner party hosted by his ex-wife and her new lover, but is immediately, and unshakably, convinced that something sinister is afoot.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: As this tenuous, high-wire act from director Karen Kusama progresses, you may not be sure who among these party guests, even Logan Marshall Green's protagonist, is worth your trust, but one thing I can confidently guarantee is is that the final moment of The Invitation will rupture your brain.

Stream The Invitation on Netflix here.

Train To Busan (2016)

An emotionally distant businessman's commute for his young daughter to visit her mother turns out to be a one-way trip into hell when someone carrying a virus turning people into mindless cannibals invites herself on board.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Not only is the live-action debut of Korean filmmaker Sang-ho Yeon’s one of the most exciting and clever zombie films in recent memory, but Train to Busan, which has spawned a highly anticipated sequel, also succeeds as a moving thriller about the sacrifices we make for ones we love.

Stream Train to Busan on Netflix here.

Terrifier (2017)

Two beautiful late night partygoers (Jenna Kanell and Catherine Corcoran) are in for the worst Halloween of their lives when they fall prey to an unfriendly clown who has plenty of sadistic trick and treats in store for them.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: If you ask me, Pennywise has nothing on Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton), the future slasher icon whom the title of Terrifier appropriately refers to for his whimsically morbid imagination and tenacious blood thirst that makes director Damien Leone’s third feature a masterpiece of unapologetic shock and "ugh."

Stream Terrifier on Netflix here.

In The Tall Grass (2019)

A pregnant woman (Laysla De Oliveira) and her brother (Avery Whitted) follow a young boy's cry for help into a large field of high-growing grass, but it soon it becomes apparent that there is no way out.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: Based on a novella by father/son writing duo Stephen King and Joe Hill, In the Tall Grass is a survivalist thriller with startling fantasy, engrossing mystery, and a menacing performance by "scream king" and The Conjuring star Patrick Wilson that makes this Netflix original one of the coolest surprises in horror of its year.

Stream In the Tall Grass on Netflix here.

Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil (2010)

An idyllic vacation in newly purchased cabin turns into "a real doozy of a day" for a pair of well-meaning hillbillies (Alan Tudyk and Tyler Labine) after an awkward misunderstanding with some young campers leads to a bloodbath.

Why It's A Good Option for Horror Fans: The old slasher trope of shady country folk is turned on its head in a most brilliantly hilarious, yet uncompromisingly graphic, way in Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, which may prove to be perfect way to end your Netflix horror binge: with a morbid laugh.

Stream Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil on Netflix here.

What do you think? Have we captured all the best haunts on Netflix, or is the absence of your own favorite horror flick the scariest thing you saw on our list? Let us know in the comments and be sure to check back for additional information and updates on the freakiest genre in cinema, as well as even more rattling recommendations of movies and TV shows you can stream, here on CinemaBlend.

What is you favorite horror film currently available to stream on Netflix?

[vaguely-concerned]

Mass Effect Initiation thoughts

In short: this book is actually really good, N.K. Jemisin is, as we all know, an excellent writer! It’s the story of how Cora met Alec Ryder and joined the Initiative, and it has SO much good good SAM content and I am full of emotions. 

- poor cora is so continually out of her depth, I want to give her a hug. the points made about her in the main game are true though -- she is not ready for leadership yet. (and that’s fine! she does much better with something or someone to belong to and that is so Valid. she’s an honorable Loyal Knight!!! one of the sexiest things to be, as we all know)

I think I’ll actually like her a lot more on this new playthrough now -- she must have been quite hard to write compellingly in the game because at the end of the day she’s really very straightforward and honest and loyal, it’s quite hard to uh ‘hide’ things in her character  

- alec ryder deadass installed an unspeakably illegal (and did I mention experimental?) AI in cora’s head with no informed consent whatsoever. d A D 

(when cora is like ‘are you actually going to another galaxy because they don’t have laws to stop you from committing fully to your craziness in public’ and alec is like *...maybe so meme* fadsfhkj he does literally say ‘this is why I’m going to another galaxy’ out loud at a later point of the book)

- this book is giving me the good good SAM content ;________; I love SAM so much, the scene where cora thinks she’s dying and SAM talks to her? when cora asks SAM if he’s okay being connected to her because if he’s sentient that matters to her (cora is a Good)? SAM explicitly having inherited alec ryder’s sense of humour and sarcasm and alec a) doesn’t know how it happened, b) distantly thinks he should probably track that process down and turn it off (and never does) and c) regrets all his life choices when his robot kid mercilessly snarks at him and questions his life choices? please bioware give me an me:a sequel with more of this stuff I’ll eat it up with a spoon

- body diverse asari! HUGE BUFF ASARI! Short stocky beautiful matriarch asari with one krogan and one turian trophy husband fast asleep in her bed in the background of a vidcall fkdjshfkjsdlhfkjsdah god I love mass effect with my entire heart

- OLD LADY INFORMATION BROKER VOLUS WORKING OUT OF ILLIUM!!!! this is not a drill what the fUCK this is the coolest shit 

- fasdklhfsjkdalfhsdjk okay in Alec Ryder POV: “I don’t think [Cora] likes me very much.” Which probably meant she had good judgement. AFLSKJDHGJSDKF ALEC 

he has a weird flip-flopping sense of self -- he is uncompromisingly (one might even say... astoundingly arrogantly) secure in his own intellectual superiority and that most other people are idiots not to be trusted and that he needs to do things himself because others would mess it up, and yet there’s this clear seam of self loathing around basically everything else about himself too. (You know who he reminds me of, in a more military and less visibly anxious way? Rodney McKay. Alec Ryder is like a slightly unfortunate outcome for a McShep lovechild. I think we just figured out why I have sort of a soft spot for him even though he’s a certifiable dick lol) 

- this book really makes it hit home that cora grew up incredibly isolated and dirt poor. I’ve seen some people say her backstory is all sunshine and daisies compared to kaidan and especially jack’s, but honestly her background is complicated and fucked up enough that I’m just like ‘shit baby :(’ all the time

- well I have successfully solved the puzzle about whether alec ryder is an idealist or not; he absolutely is. a grouchy, bad-tempered one with no people skills, but an idealist nonetheless. alec ryder is in fact a storm of 150000 emotions in a trenchcoat, barely held in check by a thin fragile outer shell of iron lol, SAM was absolutely right to say that he was mostly governed by his feelings. (and I mean if anyone would know it’d be SAM I guess). I found some of it sort of sweet actually: he reflects in passing that one of the biggest reliefs of no longer being in the alliance is that he’ll never have to risk other people’s lives again. he fundamentally wants to build something good to help people live and be happy instead of destroying things. (he also is quite bad at predicting how other people could corrupt and use his innovations precisely to be destructive b/c he doesn’t think that’s the ~*logical*~ thing to do, so... y’know haha, maybe it’s good he went to another galaxy, the milky way could not contain his chaos) 

also he thinks a lot about his wife, even though she’s been dead for years at this point. o u c h (she truly does seem to have been a tether for him in so many ways though -- like a tie to the real world/normalcy/possibly sanity, and that’s a bit how he still evokes her)

additionally: alec ryder did fistfight at the very least one dude in the line of bureaucratic duty, and perhaps more, enough for SAM to have a list of warning signs ready and at hand jdfsklfhasdjf. he did, very much, throw a dude through a table. (at least it’s implied said dude was an asshole) I LOVE that alec’s SAM is  the snarkiest iteration we’ve seen and that he’s perfectly willing to call the old man out on his bullshit (alec stresses that SAM is supposed to do what he says at the end of the day, but his SAM is also less subservient and more willing to argue and discuss things than any other we get to see -- and this is of course the SAM Ryder inherits, but I don’t think SAM is as confident in being able to read the PC correctly until a bit further into the game and the twin is of course a different person who’ll respond to different things so he’s not quite as... blunt? I guess? in confronting them about things. (the whole concept is just! so! interesting!!) anyway I feel like all of this says something about alec’s parenting style, for better or for worse haha. he sort of tries to be authoritarian but his children (well canonically at least Sara, she references having yelled at him a lot over the years) aren’t afraid to fight back or scared of the consequences of disagreeing, so I get the distinct feeling his temper never flared violently like that with his family at all, I think he’s more prone to just pulling away in disapproval.) 

- I enjoy how casually diverse this book is  -- Jemisin has done such a good job making sure especially the human characters are from different backgrounds and places, as they would be lore-wise in the Mass Effect universe, though the games often skew unfortunately white. (andromeda much less so than the trilogy, though)   

- my heart. is so so soft for the fact that a huge reason for cora to join the initiative is how much she bonds with SAM-E. and I am so sad for her because she just wants someone or something who’ll stay, something that won’t disappear on her without closure like her parents; she’s so insecure and scared under her competence (and WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T SHE BE holy shit her parents just. weren’t there one day after she left home so she wouldn’t accidentally crush their ship with her untrained biotics and kill them all). and she chooses alec and his dream. and then alec goes and FUCKING DIES at the first opportunity Y____________Y alternate universe alec please drink your victor sullivan juice and survive, all these dumb children need you  

- I am so surprised about how much fond respect alec seems to have for cora and how quickly he developed it. I suppose he has a harder time with his own children because it’s closer to home? he is a complicated man lol, this last part of the book where he shows her the ark and everything is weirdly sweet. again I think he has the potential to be a good dad somewhere in there and that just makes it so much worse that he wasn’t. (also he staunchly considers himself still a married man. god help me) 

they’ve both grown to honestly love their sams T________T fml. (well alec has sort of bound up all of himself, the things he loves and their future in SAM, so it’s a bit more complicated but my point still stands) alec advocating for a consensual synthesis is very heartfelt and convincing; you really want to believe him.

cora seen through someone else’s eyes is also SO AMAZING!!! after this whole book in her head and she feels so flailing and uncertain and adrift and other people naturally view her completely differently. I especially like alec picking up on her not talking a lot. (I think this is why she responds so well to SAM, who’ll be there always and can be in her head. I wish this part of cora was more evident in the game, the fact that she has this sibling-like connection to SAM seems very important. sequel where both SAM and Ryder grow closer to becoming her actual family? please? I keep begging for ME:A2 into an empty aching void haha) 

- alec ‘I don’t have time to die’ ryder still talking about everyone else being idiots as he’s slowly catching fire while saving SAM fhdjfhsdlfhasdhlfsjd he is an asshole but it is hard not to stan 

- nO SAM-E D:D:D: oh well at least he’s still alive within SAM, in a way?

- hey. hey you know what’s fun. alec tries to use his last words and last thoughts to ask cora to tell the kids about ellen being alive this time too. haha. ha. fuck

he consistently goes out thinking of his family despite all his bullshit and I’m not okay

- CORA IS A PERFECT BODYGUARD/SECOND IN COMMAND AND I’M EMOTIONAL 

- alec is. surprisingly afraid to hurt people emotionally? he keeps putting off telling cora the bad news about SAM-E, to SAM’s stated disapproval lol (I must repeat again: I love SAM so so much). this supports my thesis that in his personal life he’s avoidant rather than confrontational/aggressive. (professionally... again, he did very much throw a man through a table) 

- man I hope we some day get SAM being this comfortably close and sarcastic with Ryder too. thinking about SAM-E and the small differences between him and uh SAM ‘prime’ it really must have been a huge thing for him too to become someone else, especially after the last person died like that. and he kind of has no choice but to experience that loss and death intimately. (now that I think about it that’s. fucked up, man. he literally felt alec go like it happened to himself.) 

If I were to summarize the differences between the SAMs we have seen, cora’s SAM-E seems younger, more exuberant, shyer and more -- what’s a non-shitty word for needy haha? it’s very firmly established that cora longs to feel needed, so this makes perfect sense. alec’s SAM is blunter, snarkier and more prone to questioning things, and hilariously is sort of alec’s emotional intelligence. (probably serves a similar role to what ellen used to, actually. ow) scott/sara’s SAM feels more worried/focused -- which also makes sense; he’s just experienced losing his person/pathfinder, in a real way he’s also recently orphaned and must be Extremely aware that he now has an enormous responsibility, not only what he was built for but for what remains of alec’s family. ...poor SAM 

(come to think of it I guess one vibe I get from in-game SAM is a little bit of ’harried and anxious yet loving and responsible uncle’ hahaha)

- so at this point alec knew cora could never be pathfinder after him, and he never told her. *accumulation of asshole points continues, though I suspect this might have come from a place of not wanting to hurt her again (b/c he’s the only one who has a right to know these important things amirite)* but I’m also strangely touched that the reason he’s hesitant to involve his children in the whole thing isn’t that he doesn’t have faith in them, it’s that he doesn’t want to burden their lives with something so heavy, a burden he created. can you just imagine... if this man had managed to take the time to explain himself, his motivations and his feelings to his children just once. just one fUCKING time. am I laughing am I crying I honestly don’t know

- this book makes me ache all over for the potential of Andromeda. and I don’t think it’s too late to salvage it either. I know a sequel probably won’t happen, at least not any time soon, but... *sits by rainy window like a wife wistfully wondering if her husband will return from sea*

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

we’ll always find you.

(sorry for how late this is. i got really sick last week and truth be told i’m still quite... under-the-weather, but i wanted to finish this and get this out before i went mad. i hope to write something better later this month.)

let’s be perfectly honest right up front: the titans s2 finale was... not great. it’s difficult to justify a lot of its pacing or writing choices, and even worse, it’s the first time that this show has felt anything but sincere and well-intentioned to me. i love it still, and there’s been so much great stuff set up this season that the finale still provided plenty of fascinating moments, but the show needs to take a long, hard look at how it chooses to tell its (genuinely great!) stories and themes, and try to tighten things up for s3. 

that said, i’d like to go into a bit of detail re: the finale, if you don’t mind.

SPOILERS ahead.

1. if the show had halluci!bruce lay out its found family thesis in 2.11, it really leaned into it hard in the finale. ‘family’ is both the disease and its panacea; it’s the mantra that they cling to in times of severe distress, when they are not ready to be together yet but aren’t given the time to process and work out their feelings about it. i can’t presume to know what’s happening on a doylist level--except to see it an as especially clunky way to resolve long-festering conflicts and get them to reconcile in time for a heroic group shot--but on a watsonian level it’s weird and disturbing in a fascinating sort of way. 

@mycroftrh made a wonderfully astute comment on this gifset that helped crystallise my thoughts on this. they pointed out that while dick was justifiably angry and felt that bruce planting trackers in him was a violation, he spins that as a positive thing to conner: you’re family, we’ll always find you. this disconnect plays out over and over again throughout the episode, mainly with dick as the mouthpiece: when he says to bruce that meeting him gave them what neither of them had experienced before (patently untrue: bruce had had his parents, then alfred; dick had had his own parents and his circus family); when he sings the praises of a found family during dinner while implicitly acknowledging that his relationship with bruce had been “fucked up”; when he says that donna showed him what family means when things are so painfully unresolved between them. they haven’t quite found their way to being a found family yet, but they cling to the moniker anyway because that’s exactly the sort of dysfunctional thing that this well-meaning but dysfunctional group of superheroes would do. 

it’s an interesting perspective on the found family trope, especially in a show which has shown scant interest in conventions like plot or big fights or giving their villains the payoff that their build-up deserved. this show thrives on these characters’ dysfunction; why would that change in the finale? so the repeated mentions of them being a family seemed more like them desperately papering over their issues in order to deal with more immediate dangers rather than being a resolution.

1.5. again: i’m not saying that i know that this was the intention behind all of this or not. it’s just that this explanation fits in with what has already been an uneasy exploration of the kind of physical and psychological damage that vigilantism inflicts on the vigilante.

2. i’d talked previously about how squarely this season put us inside dick’s head, and while as a big fan of dick grayson it was fun to see so much time spent teasing out his mental state, his unreliable narration, and generally just--a portrayal that was nuanced, it came at the cost of pretty much everything else. we spent half of the finale grieving for donna--but donna didn’t get anything meaningful to say or do this whole season. rachel’s (undefined, incredible) powers saved them all in the finale as it did in the premiere, but the evolution of her powers and her fears about it was a peripheral plot thread that fluttered in and out of focus. dick and rachel’s bond literally saved the team and got them all back together in the first place, but they haven’t even talked to each other in multiple episodes!

2.5. my point, essentially, is this: the show held on to the nightwing reveal way too long, to the detriment of every other character on the show. i mean, i can’t deny that nightwing looked fucking amazing, but having him show up in the finale for the first time meant that he not only had to be amazing, he had to be superhuman in ways that dick grayson is not and has never shown signs that he was. he had to defeat deathstroke in a matter of minutes. he had to instantly know how to reach out to connor. there was no time for him to be anything but badass.

and this does a great disservice to dick grayson too, in the end, which is honestly a fucking tragedy for a season dedicated to putting his character arc front and centre. he had no time to get used to the suit, figure out its nifty little gadgets, stumble a little before he gets to go Total Badass. there’s no point to him learning about and being inspired by alazul because we don’t see him drop any input w/ re: to the suit design! his guilt-ridden, hallucinatory self-flagellation through most of the season is conveniently put aside. 

(i mean, there are still interesting things to be mined out of what he did in the finale, but yeah.)

2.8. on a more positive note, it was hilarious to me that this is the first time that we’ve seen the actual bruce wayne since 2.02. he seems to have a lot of trust in dick--to the point where he doesn’t interfere with the titans’ business until luthor got involved in a big way--but seems oblivious to dick’s angst or internal strife or his struggles with his identity and his upbringing. but in this finale he shows that he’s genuinely trying--which dick does appreciate, and why i think he extended the ‘family’ label over to bruce. it was his weird, sort of clumsy way of forgiving bruce and trying to renegotiate his relationship with the man when for the first time in his life he has the power to do that--and, i don’t know. it rung very true for me.

3. they did gar dirty, man. he’s been abused and traumatised so much--mostly for plot-convenient reasons--only for those traumas to be resolved in the most off-handed manner, and somehow made all about rachel. i appreciate that he had a conversation with dick, and that dick took the time to apologise to him for abandoning him, but the fact that gar isn’t blowing up at these people for just being... fucking terrible is terrifying. his loyalty to this team and his deference to a leader couldn’t be arsed to help when he needed it the most is just... replaying the toxic dynamics he was under while living with the doom patrol, only much more intense because in that house he actually had people show him goddamn affection!

remember when fandom was coming up with theories like jericho had possessed gar and was jumping bodies in the titans tower in some kind of misplaced desire for revenge? that would’ve actually tied up the plot threads of the season together better, and would’ve given both gar and jericho more active roles in the season’s main plotline!

4. ultimately this season had great ideas, a willingness to let the characters’ frailties and relationship drama dictate the story rather than a straight line from team-up to giant final battle, but a baffling lack of focus, and essentially dropping what s1 had set up to attempt a soft reboot of the series. it didn’t work. i hope the next season focusses on fewer characters and has tighter writing overall.

[purplesurveys]

725

Your name? Robyn. Age? Just turned 22. Ugh, I’ve finally reached the point where future ages – other than 30/40/50 etc – won’t be much of a milestone anymore. I can hear Monica Geller tell me, “welcome to the real world, it sucks.” Gender? Identify as female. Ethnic background? I usually just say Filipino to make it easier but technically I’m mostly Tagalog with a bit of Mangyan and Ilokano and I think Bulakeño? in me. What do you like the most about your ethnic background? It’s hard to find anything to be proud of from being Filipino sksksk I like our cuisine I guess? Especially the seafood?

The least? It’s not something I dislike directly about our own background, because what I like the least is the hundreds of years of colonization by four different nations that led to the near-complete wipeout of our native culture and the severe colonial effects that followed. The reason I find it so hard to rack my brain for stuff about our ‘ethnic background’ is because everything about it has already been penetrated by Spanish, English, Japanese, or American influence, even down to how well I can speak English right now. It’s almost impossible to look for something that’s ours. Who is your favorite golf player? I’ve never liked watching golf. Whats your favorite kind of gold? (White, Yellow, Rose, Traditional) Rose gold looks pretty. Would you rather wear turquoise pants or purple? Highkey would not wear either of these but if it came down to it, purple. Would you ever go on a jungle safari? I kind of already did. It was a lot of fun and I would rather keep going to safaris if I wanted to see wild animals as it’s a much lesser evil than zoos. If you saw a UFO what would you do? Hope my fingers are quick enough and immediately take a video. What color is your mailbox? We don’t have one. Mailmen just place it by the handle of our screen door. Are you taller than your Mom? No, I’m the smallest one in the family. Who is your meanest friend? I never really counted Patrice as a friend but she’s been the least nice acquaintance I remember having. Her attitude is actually the reason I hadn’t seen her as a friend, so that said I wouldn’t really be befriending anyone who I thought isn’t very nice. Have you ever thought about suicide? Yeah, well I’m not exactly the most mentally well person durrrr. I don’t think of it as often as I used to, but it’ll cross my mind more or less once a month. Have you ever broken a pinata? I’ve never had that experience before actually. I’ve only seen it in cartoons. Who loves Orange Soda? I don’t like soda, period. Where did you go the last time you used public transportation? I dunno if it counts because the jeep just goes around the campus hahaha but I took a jeep coming from CAL going to CMC, my home college. My dad accidentally drove the car I was gonna use that day so I had to book a Grab (our local Uber; also I can’t do public transpo for long distances hence the private car, heh) going to school, and then the campus jeeps to go from one class to another. If you were to start a band what would you name it? Never hire me to name stuff. Would you rather spend a year in the abyss or outer space? Outer space. It’s where I’ve always wanted to go anyway. I fear for my sanity if I wind up in the abyss. Do you know someone who has shot off a part of their own body? No but I know someone who had been shot (or stabbed? I can’t remember but he was attacked); it was my Kuya’s close friend. What TV shows stick out from your childhood? Mr. Bean, Pokemon, SpongeBob, Jimmy Neutron, Drake and Josh, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, That’s so Raven, to name a few. What is/was for dinner tonight? No idea yet. My dad usually whips something up at the last minute but it always turns out so so good. What’s really the best cure for a hangover? FRIED CHICKEN and I will die on this hill. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Oooh I don’t think that’s been served to me before actually. I’m not opposed to trying them though cause broccoli’s my favorite vegetable. How many cavities do you have? I had a couple before but they’ve since been fixed at the dentist. Have you ever given money to a bum? Yes I always give them money ranging from ₱10 to ₱20, and biscuits if I have some in my bag, if they knock on my window. If you found 100 dollars on the floor of a church what would ya do with it? If I found it in a church I’d absolutely run the fuck away with the money lmao. Is your head a fun place to be in? I’m a bit of a workaholic and am always thinking about the next thing to accomplish, so tbh I imagine it looking like Spongebob’s brain HAHAHAHA as in exactly this shot

What is your favorite word? Poignant to me sounds and looks the way it means, which is so satisfying. Why is going to poop such a social taboo? We covered a bit of this in my anthropology class last semester and our prof shared a theory that says our body is in and of itself clean but once substances exit the body they’re seen as impure and already dirty - which is why we’ll have no problem talking about the circulatory system but many tend to faint if they cut their finger too much and see blood leaking out of them. Same explanation goes with poop, saliva, sweat, etc. I’m too lazy to check my notes if every bit of this is accurate, but the impure/dirty is the one I remember to be correct. Who is your worst enemy? Don’t really like the idea of enemies per se but after Marielle betrayed my trust twice I vowed to never speak with her again, and I never have. When was the last time you passed gas? I don’t like farting. If I feel one coming I suppress it on purpose. Do you eat raw hot dogs? No, that sounds so nasty. Do you ever speak out loud what you should be typing? Eh, sometimes and only if I’m by myself. It’s not a habit though. Do you own a squirt gun? We call them a water gun here but it used to be one of my favorite toys from childhood. I don’t own one anymore as I largely don’t need them. Do you like the Subway $5 footlong? I don’t really eat Subway. What is the last thing you ate with Marshmallow in it? Hate marshmallows. I always remove it if it had been added to the food I’m eating. Would you rather live in a shack on the beach or a mansion in Ohio? I love you beach, but I’m taking the damn mansion lol. Do you believe that zombies could really invade the Earth? I don’t think zombies could ever surface naturally but at some point in the distant future, when technology and human knowledge advance enough and if someone was ambitious enough to use such knowledge for the worse, I feel like some chemical or substance causing someone to become a zombie could be made. Idk, people have come up with crazy shit from science that were initially thought to be impossible so for me I’m not ruling out zombies or at least a milder version of them haha. If you were to buy a boat what would you name it? Margo, as an homage to Margo Martindale’s role from BoJack Horseman. Who is your internet provider? PLDT. What has the tv show two and a half men taught you? Nothing, because I’ve never watched an episode. What’s something you’re not supposed to be doing right now? Not thinking about my unfinished thesis. I should definitely be thinking about it right now lol. What’s hotter topless or pantless? A bit TMI considering the time ksksks but topless for me. What would you do if you found a four leaf clover? I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean (but I wanna say it means good luck?) so maybe I’ll just take a photo of it heh. Miami Dolphins or NY Jets? I don’t even know what sport these teams belong to. What is your favorite kind of instant popcorn? I don’t like popcorn, so it’s a pass for me. Do you pay attention to the expiration dates on food? Yeah I check on them quite often since I once had a terrible experience drinking spoiled milk; but I’ve also been told by my dad that the expiration dates don’t necessarily mean spoilage and molds and all that nasty crap, and that the date just means by when the product’s quality will slowly start to decrease, like if chips start to get tougher to chew or if a chocolate bar becomes less sweet. It’s a source of relief, but I’m still paranoid about expiration dates overall. What ringtone is on your phone? Just the ones Apple provides. What odd thing do you wish you were doing right now? Driving in circles around the village just to enjoy the outside world :( Are you a smoker? Socially. How do you feel about not being able to smoke in a lot of bars? I don’t mind it. I’m not desperate to smoke ever.