#the suspicious angsty playlist

[wizmer]

Oh yeah? Did Finn participate in this lovely activity too? 👀

[renjunphile]

if my wishes came true, it would have been you | mark lee

PAIRING ✧ nct's mark lee x female reader WORD COUNT ✧ 12.0k TAGS ✧ idol!mark x idol!reader, exes!au, exes to lovers!au, really quite angsty, happy ending, fluff, non-linear narrative

PLAYLIST aka SONGS BY YN ✧ the 1 by taylor swift ; 21 by gracie abrams ; i miss you, i'm sorry by gracie abrams ; champagne problems by taylor swift ; in between by gracie ambrams ; somebody by hwasa and loco ; i know it won't work by gracie abrams, dancing with our hands tied (acoustic) by taylor swift

SUMMARY ✧ persist and resist the temptation to ask if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? (alternatively, every single time you and mark get a chance to talk about your breakup, it never goes as planned)

-

MAY 2021

"NCT are here."

You hum along to the track blasting in your left ear through the singular airpod. It's the first day of your comeback promotions, and while you should feel confident from the many months you'd practiced the song every single day for multiple hours, no amount of time could ever erase the nerves you feel each comeback day.

You're already finished with your hair and makeup, being the first to sit in the chair to give your members some time to wake up from their naps in the van. Though you should all be bright, awake, and preppy for your comeback stage, the reality was that all of you were obliteratingly tired from the near all-nighter in the practice room. Your makeup artists are true magicians for the way they cover up all signs of tiredness even under all those harsh, bright stage lights.

"Unnie, did you hear me?" your youngest member Kali poked your arm incessantly.

"Kali, stop," you whine, pushing her finger away, "I heard you."

"So why didn't you react?"

"Why should I?" you sigh, pausing the track on your phone.

She pauses for a while, choosing to craft her words before replying too hastily, "We should still go and say hi. Haechan is asking if we wanna film a TikTok with them."

"You know they only post with SM idols," you remind her.

"You were in SM too. It's just for fun," she mumbles, "You know how many idols feature on Haechan's private account. Please come."

"You're up to no good, Kali," you squint at her suspiciously, watching the room carefully to see if anyone had overheard. It wasn't really a big deal; all your managers were well-informed, just like your members, and your stylists were basically your friends.

"I already talked to our manager and Haechan talked to their manager," Kali wrapped her fingers around your wrist delicately, but pulling to encourage you to stand up, "Let's go."

The walk to the hallway where the NCT members agreed to meet the two of you wasn't exactly a long one, but the rumblings of nerves bubbling in your stomach made it feel like a million years. You weren't stupid; you knew exactly what to expect and you wouldn't put it past your maknae to meddle in a time like this.

"Oh look, they're here already," Kali was biting a grin behind her words as 3 figures came into view. Haechan gives you a warm smile and a famous bear hug before he was shoved away. 

"Noona," you resist a pout as one of the boys you had been taking care of since you were younger wrapped you up in a big hug, "Haven't seen you in so long. Missed you."

"Missed you too Ji. You grow an inch every time I see you," you also resist the urge to ruffle up his perfectly styled purple hair out of fear of getting hunted by his hair stylist, "I like this purple on you."

He gives you an appreciative grin and somehow you still see him as the tiny, shy boy running energetically around the halls of the company building after being chased by his fellow trainees. Jisung moves on to greet your member, who was still in conversation with Haechan.

It's definitely not that you dread having to face Mark Lee. It's totally not the fact that he's your ex-boyfriend. Or the fact that you're still in love with him. Or the fact that he's still in love with you. No, none of that.

Totally.

"You look really pretty, Y/N," he begins slowly, taking in your appearance in front of him, having not seen each other for a few months.

Mark Lee stands in front of you stoic, hands by his side and feet together. It's almost like he's fighting his instinct to wrap you up in his arms like he's done most of his life because you sure know you're having to fight that instinct too.

"Thanks, Mark. I like your blue hair," you smile softly, "How are you?"

"I'm good. Amazing, even. I guess," he's mumbling, running his hands through said hair you just complimented and you can tell he's nervous, "I love the song. And the whole album. I can tell which songs you wrote. You always make me so proud."

Ouch. It stings your heart whenever he says things like that. How could you have let go of someone so sweet?

"Thanks. Congratulations on your first album and coming back with Dream."

"Ah, thanks. I fought so hard to come back to the group and I'm really happy they finally listened to me," he began, "You know how much I love them."

"Yeah, I know."

You're barely meeting his eyes, but when you do, it feels like he's hesitating in his words.

"Mark-"

"Happy birthday by the way," he rushes out, "For yesterday. I'm sorry that I didn't text. Or call."

"It's okay," you reassure him, knowing that that was probably easier for you both that he didn't.

"How did you spend your birthday?"

"The members got me cake. Coffee, my favourite," you recount, "I did a live for a bit, but other than that we were practicing all day for today."

"Oh, I'm sorry. That really sucks," he frowns.

"You know how it goes. I'll have more birthdays to celebrate anyway-"

"But you didn't celebrate last year either!" he protests.

"Maybe next year, then," you pull your lips into a tight smile, "It's okay Mark. Don't worry about it. I'm not really fond of my birthdays anymore and 22's not a big deal."

He sighs while looking at you, "You deserve to celebrate your birthday no matter what. I hope you can find some time to do something  for yourself."

You chuckle lightly, "That'll be hard to come by. I don't know how you've done it with multiple groups all these years, Mark. I've only been debuted for three years and it's never got any easier. You were really stretching yourself thin, huh?"

"I guess," he's playing with his fingers, so you know he has something to say.

"Just say it, Mark. Whatever you want to say."

You can read him like a book and you've always been able to. It's not your fault that the book is wide open, as compared to the way you've always been- shut, bound, and locked.

"I just wanted to say I miss you. That's all. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Thanks to the secluded hallway that Haechan had found and led you to, the coast was clear enough for you to close the distance between you and Mark even just by a bit more. His breath hitches as you place a hand on his arm.

"Thanks for caring, Mark. I miss you too."

He smiles at you softly and the two of you are so engrossed in each other to notice that Kali, Haechan and Jisung had disappeared a while ago. You know it's time for you to go back though.

The worst part of the whole situation wasn't the breakup itself. Of course, the breakup hurt both of you for a long time and you don't even think you're recovered. It did happen over a year ago, but that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part is knowing that every time you meet again, walking away hurts more each time. It's the fact that there's nothing you can do but listen to your heart break with each step you take away from each other. It's the fact that there's nothing you can do about the fact that you still love each other more than anything else in this world.

-

2014

Mark Lee was known to be SM's golden child. In the future, he'd be known as the most over-worked in the company, due to his talents and resilience, but now, he's just Mark Lee, second to you.

You'd done everything before Mark. You were born first. You moved to Korea first. You beat him joining the company by 6 months and you beat him getting announced as part of SM Rookies just by 7 days.

None of that mattered because it was always just you and him together, wherever. Sure, you trained and practiced separately, but lunchtimes, downtimes, company gatherings- it was always the two of you attached to the hip. There was really nothing the company could say- the two of you were barely 15 so what was the worst you could do?

"How long do you think it'll be before your debut?" the two of you are lying down on the grass in a park a few minutes away from the building. His hands are rifling through the blades, yanking them up every so often, while you made daisy chains quietly.

He hums in response, "I don't know. Soon I hope, but I've only been here for like just over a year. Realistically, I'd say like 2 years. Don't tell anyone I told you, but I heard Johnny hyung talking to the manager about some kind of project that the company has been thinking of for a while. Something about having a group with infinite members!"

Your eyes widened at the thought, "Wow, really? EXO debuted with 12 and I thought that was a lot!"

"Yeah, right? But there are only like 9 of us in SM Rookies right now. How many do you think they'll start with and how am I going to get lines in a song if there's so many of us?"

You nudge him, "Well, with your awesome talent and writing skills of course. I can't wait to see what ends up happening to you guys- oh yeah, by the way, how's that new trainee you guys are training with? Donghyuck, right?"

"New?" he sat up with wide eyes, twisting his body to look at you, "He's been here for like 5 months and it's been the worst 5 months of my life! He's just so infuriating. His voice is amazing, sure, but he never listens and is always talking and hanging off me! I told him that he makes me want to leave the company."

You laugh at his frustrated expression, "Ha, you'd never leave the company. You'd never leave me behind. Plus, I bet you'll be best friends in a few years. Opposites attract and all that."

"Hm, but you and I are quite similar. Don't you think?"

There were definitely some traits that you shared to both be enduring the same path. Resilient, hard-working, brave, and enduring were all ones. After all, it's a big leap of faith to train to have the chance to be an idol just at 12 or 13 with no guaranteed future.

When it came down to it though, you'd like to think that there were also traits you each had that weren't always necessarily opposites all the time, but traits that complemented each other.

Mark liked to talk; you liked to listen. Mark was optimistic and would always be the one to cheer you up on your particularly moody days. You were Mark's calm through it all. Mark loved to rap; you found your passion in singing. Mark liked carrots and would take them off your plate in the cafeteria and swap them with his peas. Mark's hands were calloused from his guitar-playing, while yours were smooth and soft when he held them.

"No, I think we're the perfect example of opposites attract."

"Well then that's why you're my best friend," he grinned over at you while you slid a daisy chain bracelet onto his wrists, "Forever and whenever."

"Always," you grinned.

-

AUGUST 2021

"What are you doing here?"

"No happy birthday Mark?" he teases, holding a bouquet of flowers and a grocery store plastic bag in his hands on your doorstep.

"Come in before anyone sees you," you pull him inside your dorm, sticking your head out the hallway to see if it was empty, "How did you get here?"

"Relax, Y/N. My manager drove me and I was in all this," he pulls out a mask and a beanie from his pocket to show you.

"Oh, good. Happy birthday, I guess, but what are you doing here?" you question him again, looking at the contents in his grasp.

"Well, it all started when Hyuck said that we were throwing a birthday party for me. Then Jisung invited Kali and obviously, you too. And your members, of course. Then you said you couldn't come because you're busy," his eyes dart to the episode of Modern Family on your TV and the blanket lazily thrown on the couch, combined with your pajamas, "So I didn't want to come to the party anymore."

"But all my members are at your dorm," you frown, "There's still a party?"

"Yeah, I guess. Gives Jisung an opportunity to spend more time with his crush, which I'm sure Kali appreciates."

"So they're hosting your birthday party," you hum, "Without you? And you came here to what? Check that I'm busy?"

"I know you're not busy. Erin told me so, which I suspected anyway. I know it's kind of rude for me to come to force you to spend time with me when you didn't even want to come to my birthday party in the first place, but I thought I would try." he shrugs, "Is that okay?"

Mark is adorned in a white T-shirt and grey joggers. He's clearly not dressed for a party and your member clearly told him that you're staying inside and moping to your comfort show while you try to avoid your ex-boyfriend on his birthday. Plan failed, you guess.

Here's the thing: you've always been the worst at saying no to Mark. The one time you did, the world crashed around you. You would've thought it would have got easier to say no to him after already experiencing the worst-case scenario, but looking into his slightly pleading chocolate eyes shows you otherwise.

"Of course, Mark. You're the birthday boy," you finally say after a period of silence where Mark felt like his heart was thumping out of his chest.

"There's no one else I'd rather spend my birthday with," he hums lightly, even though his words are loaded, "Here, a big bouquet for missing last year too."

The tradition started on his 15th birthday in 2014. Even though it was his birthday, he had got you a bouquet of flowers to thank you for being his best friend of one year and making him feel all the more comfortable in his first year in Korea. You were his dance partner, his classmate, his fellow English speaker, and his best friend. He got you flowers again the next year, then the year after, and again and again for being his partner through everything.

The last birthday you shared with Mark before the two of you broke up was his 20th birthday in 2019 and he had prepared his own bouquet that year, choosing all your favourite flowers and colours and wrapping it all up himself. Mark was selfless like that- thinking of other people even on his birthday.

"It's beautiful," you examine the flowers- pink and red camellias and carnations, white primroses, pink peonies, red roses and baby's breaths. Taking that flower language course with Mark back when you were both 17 comes as a regret now, with the messages he's sending you through the bouquet. You hope it's just a coincidence.

"Anyway, I brought us- or I made my manager buy us- some Oreo ice cream, peanut butter chocolate, some ramen, and chicken and mushroom pastries," he grins as he pulls each one out of the bag, "And I brought cake, obviously."

You hold yourself back from saying what you would say every time he presented your favourite pastry from your childhood home to you- 'you know the way to my heart'.

"I haven't had one in so long," you gasp, taking it from him and preparing your plate already, "Thanks Mark. Why are you so considerate on your own birthday?"

"I like to celebrate the people I love on my birthday too. I wouldn't be me without them," he plops himself on the bar stool at your breakfast bar while you sigh hopelessly. He'll never leave your heart alone, "I wanted to soften the blow too."

You turn to him slowly, "Soften the blow?"

He sees the panic in your eyes and lets out that melodious laugh you've always loved, "Oh, nothing like that. Nothing to tell you. I just wanted to bribe you to talk to me on my birthday. I thought after over a year you might be ready to talk?"

"About what?"

"Us."

You thank the manufacturers of the heavenly pastry slice that only takes 90 seconds in the microwave. You set the plate down in front of Mark and take the seat next to him.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"Are you still my best friend?"

"Mark, come on," you began warily, knowing the difficult conversation you were about to have.

He meets your eyes and you feel the pain reflected in them, "When we decided to give our relationship a try when we were 16, we pinky swore that no matter what happens, we'll always be best friends. Always. Right?"

You find the power to break his gaze and stare down to your hands on your lap, "We did."

"So, why can't we go back to being friends? I know, I know when you broke up with me, you said that you don't think we could stay friends. I understood, of course, and I wanted to give you some space. Well, at least initially, but it's been over a year now and I really miss us. Your friendship meant everything to me even if I can't have you as my girlfriend." his tone is heartbreaking in the way that it's vulnerable and pleading.

"I told you when we broke up that breaking up was the hardest choice I'd ever have to make. It blew the choice to leave SM out of the water. I didn't want to break up, but it felt like I had no choice," you explained slowly, "When we first started dating, I knew I already loved you, but growing up together and debuting and going through everything I went through really taught me what real love in real life looked like and I could never have predicted at 16 how I felt for you at 20. Mark, you're everything to me, I hope you know. I said I didn't want to be friends when we broke up because how could I have lived with myself seeing you and talking to you still knowing I had you in the way that I did and knowing I loved you that intensely but not being able to show it anymore? How could I live with myself still having you around knowing I let go of the greatest thing that's ever happened to me?"

Mark Lee was brave at 16 when he kissed you for the first time and asked you to be his girlfriend against all the bans and rules. Mark Lee was brave at 18 watching you walk away from everything you both knew at SM Entertainment and for not running after you to stop you because you both knew it was for the best. Mark Lee was brave at 20 hearing you sob through the phone while you were halfway around the world because you just couldn't do this anymore. Mark Lee is brave at 22, taking your warm hands in his, and Mark Lee is brave when he lifts your chin up to meet his gaze and asks you this:

"Why can't we just get back together? This year apart is hurting us more than it's benefitting us."

People say that the eyes are the windows to the soul- that the eyes say everything someone can't say. Your eyes are filled with tears, yes, but also love and fear and all the emotions in between.

The problem was that your brain always rules your life, keeping your heart's true desires always suppressed deep within.

"Mark," you trail, before he cuts you off.

"I don't see the problem, Y/N. Both our companies knew we were dating and you're not a rookie in the industry anymore. I mean, we dated through your whole rookie era! I acknowledge everything you said and felt when we broke up and I wanted to give you time to work through those emotions, but I'm asking if anything has changed. Has it?"

"I've never stopped loving you, but I'm still scared Mark. I'm even more scared now as your career grows," you say quietly, "I don't want to hurt you. If anything gets out, it won't just hurt you or me, because I could take it if it only hurt me, but it's our members, Mark. You know how fans feel about idols who date and it's never ever as simple as 'if they're a true fan they'll be happy for me'. That's not how the industry works."

He squeezes your hands, "Then we'll get better at sneaking around! You know the boys love you so much and they know how much our relationship meant to me and they'd never ever get in the way of that. Or we can just text and call and I don't even have to see you in person when it's risky. I just want the chance to tell you that I still love you every single day as I promised."

There it is again, the sound of your heart breaking at the most loving boy on the planet.

"Will you let me think about it? At least about being your best friend still? I'm sorry that I can't give you an answer right now on your birthday," you murmur. The confessions from Mark came as no surprise, but he never fails to leave you speechless with no clear thoughts in your brain and your heart always full.

"I'm just asking for a chance. Just for anything you can give me," he smiles finally, "How about we eat all this and continue your Modern Family? It's still my favourite show, so I couldn't dream of a better way to spend my birthday."

"I'd like that."

-

2015

"I'm debuting," Mark barges into the near-empty practice room, huffing and panting like he just ran a marathon, "Y/N, oh my God!"

You're sat cross-legged on the floor with your phone propped up in front of you. Your eyebrows are stitched together tightly, indicating that you were probably either criticising yourself on a recording or trying to learn a choreography. The moment you realise that it's Mark, your whole body unclenches and you relax as you pause the video. You don't comprehend the weight of his words until he says them again.

"Y/N, Y/N, I'm going to debut!" he's practically screaming in joy as he belly slides towards you and crashes into you, wrapping his arms around you.

"Oh my God, Mark! Really? Tell me everything right now!" you squeeze him back, pride bursting in your chest.

When you both joined SM, you came with the obvious dream of being an idol entertainer. Sure, the company can make all these empty promises to you at the start, but with the way the industry works, nothing is really ever truly for certain. For you, the company had not given you any time scale or idea of what direction they wanted you to go in. You weren't even really that hopeful, considering the company just debuted Red Velvet one year ago, but you were still enduring.

However, it was almost time to debut a new boy group since it had been 3 years and counting since EXO broke into the scene. You were always certain that Mark was always a part of that plan.

"So, do you remember last year when I told you about the infinite boy group idea? It was true! The company gathered all the male trainees and showed them their idea- it's called NCT and it's so cool, trust me! So it's like they're going to debut groups within NCT like different members in each group!"

"Mark, that sounds amazing. Which group are you going to be in?"

"Uh, they said all of them?" Mark frowns in confusion, "Like the first is going to be this unit where members can switch out anytime and it only has a comeback whenever it wants to, and then the second one is like a normal permanent group which I think I'll be with Hyuck and the hyungs, and the third one is a group where we graduate once we hit 20! But I don't think that one's fully confirmed with members yet."

He's running out of breath explaining it to you and his eyes are going crazy so you just laugh and hug tighter, "That's a lot of information, but it still sounds amazing. See Mark, I told you that you're going to be the most important person in this building! You're literally the best."

Mark nudges you so that you break away, "Psh, shut up Y/N. It's still a few months out anyway. We're going to be writing and practicing the debut song for the first unit really soon though."

"And I'm so proud of you," you tell him sincerely, knowing that there are not many people who you can say have worked harder than Mark to achieve their dreams, "Do you feel scared at all?"

He swivels his body so that he's sitting in front of you and he starts playing with your fingers like he always does, "Naturally, I guess. Debuting is a whole new world and being an idol too, but this is what I've been working towards so why shouldn't I be more excited? I've been waiting for this day, but I guess it's human nature to have fear of the unknown."

"It's definitely not wrong to not be scared. I'd be over the moon if they finally tell me I'm going to debut," you sigh dreamily.

"And you will! They can't keep you hidden here any longer and you know that the company loves you so much! You've given everything for them so you deserve it all back," Mark is now rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of your hand, "I can't wait until we achieve our dream together. No matter how long it takes, we'll both be standing on that stage together as idols. It's so close now, Y/N."

You smile softly at the boy, ever the optimist, "I can't wait for it too, Mark. Don't let the fame get to your head so quickly and don't forget me when you're famous okay?"

"You're so silly," Mark laughs, "You'll always be my best friend- wait scratch that-"

"I won't always be your best friend?"

"No! You will! But this is literally the best day ever and I have all this adrenaline and energy right now and if I don't say it now, I don't think I ever will, but all I'm saying is that I've been by your side for nearly 3 years now and you're literally my other half and it's so goddamn obvious that I like you so much and I really want to be your boyfriend. Okay, exhale Mark."

Your eyes widen at his confession and you slide away from him in shock, "Wait, really? You like me? You want to be my boyfriend?"

He looks at you like you just grew two heads, "Y/N, that's literally exactly what I said. Do you like me back?"

Shyness begins to creep out of you while your whole face flushes red. You've never been the type to be shy around Mark, even in the times his words and actions make you feel giddy.

"Mhm, you're my first real crush that developed when we met. I thought I'd grow out of it, but it kept getting stronger the closer we got," you admit.

The first day that Mark Lee walked into the practice rooms and got introduced to the trainees, you thought he was the cutest boy in the world. He was dorky and shy at first, but when he performed in front of you, he turned into a completely different person that made you fall for him even more.

The two of you were the same age and he was your deskmate in Korean lessons. Though Mark had grown up speaking Korean, he had never lived in Korea speaking it almost 100% of the time, so the company thought it would be good for him to join your lessons, especially to get training for the language he would be using as an idol.

The two of you became very fast friends and by the end of the month, you were chasing each other in the cafeteria and sharing food in corners with your own inside jokes.

His face breaks out into a grin, tackling you into a hug, "Aw, my little Y/N likes me back!"

You roll your eyes playfully and shove him off your body, "First of all, I'm 3 months older than you, and second of all, you have been spending way too much time with Donghyuck."

"Yeah that little devil rubs off on people," he sighs, "Whatever. Does that mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend now?"

"Wait, wait, wait. We have to consider the implications! Especially if you're debuting soon! Are we going to tell the company? How is this going to work?" you bombard him with questions, playing your part as the realist in this friendship, "Is this a good idea."

"I mean, half the hyungs have secret girlfriends so we can ask them for help and at least it helps that you're in the company with me so if they do find out it's easier to protect the both of us," Mark replies, "I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about this, believe it or not. You keep me up awake at night sometimes."

"You're so cheesy," you mumble, turning away to hide your blushing face, "But I guess I do want to be your girlfriend- but what if we break up? I don't want to lose you as my best friend!"

"How about this then," he extends his pinky out to you, "Let's pinky swear that even if we break up and this relationship goes horribly wrong, we'll be best friends still. Forever and whenever."

His words are dripping with sincerity and it surrounds you like a blanket. There's no one in this world that you trust more than Mark Lee when you entwine your own pink around his and smile at him, "Always."

Your pinkies are still attached a minute later when he's looking at you with a goofy smile.

You glare at him, "What's going on in that big head of yours?"

"If we're dating, then does that mean I can kiss you?"

The thought of kissing Mark had admittedly crossed your mind more than you could bare to say out loud. You wanted to play it off cool- shove him and roll your eyes or something, but truthfully, you really did want to kiss your dorky best friend Mark Lee.

"I mean, I guess," you shrug, "If you want to."

"Ha ha, I do," he starts leaning in closer and your heart is beating faster.

This was it. You were going to kiss your best friend-turned-boyfriend in the middle of a practice room. He was going to be your first kiss too!

Mark's face is so close that you can feel his breath on your lips. You can tell he's never done this before with how slowly and nervously he's advancing, but you can see the hope in his eyes.

Your eyes flutter shut. Your lips are almost touching, just ghosting over each others.

"Wait!" you groan as he opens his mouth, "If I'm your first real crush, then who's your first crush overall?"

You smirk, "Jongin-oppa. Duh."

-

2022

This was the biggest concert of your career. Playing the Olympic Stadium had always just been a distant daydream - something to dream about just to amuse you or occupy time. You'd never thought that you would actually live to see the day when that dream came to fruition.

It wasn't even a realistic dream. No girl groups had ever played their own concert at Jamsil Olympic Stadium, but your group was going to be the first.

Cameras were pointed all around you backstage as you prepared to go on for your opening.

"Leader, give us a pep talk," your bandmate Yana whines while nudging you. You gather in a circle, pretending you're not deafened by the noise of your fans screaming just past the partition, where they're waiting in anticipation.

The 5 of you lean closer, putting your heads together and your hands in the middle. Before that, you make sure to look at their faces carefully and examine each member's expressions.

Jian is a year older than you, but she's nervous as hell and can barely get any words out. You're not worried because she's proven time after time that she's born to be on stage and that she completely transforms in front of an audience showering her in love. Yana seems nervous too, but she's better at hiding it and it comes out through rambles of sometimes unintelligible speech. Erin is gripping her microphone tightly with a poker face, probably recalling all of her raps in her head quickly, even though you know it comes second nature to her. Your youngest, Kali, seems the most excited. That kid is the most fearless idol you've ever met and you're grateful for someone like her on the team.

As for you? Well, you're a mix of all of your members. It's coming up to a decade now since you started training and you still have to take everything that this career throws at you one by one. The feeling backstage is not exactly overwhelming- it's more pride and joy and excitement to be out there and perform the best concert you have to give.

"No one can ever take this away from us. We're the first freaking girl group to host a show here! We've worked so hard for this and we absolutely deserve it. Everyone out there is here for us, so we should give it our all and play the best show ever. Don't let your nerves get to you. Just relax and be the amazing and talented performers I know we all are," you breathe out, "I'm really thankful for you guys and I'm so happy to have you by my side with me for this. We're exactly where we should be. I really love you guys so much. Let's kill it, yeah? 3, 2, 1, Fighting!"

Your members release a chuckle and you all wrap your arms around each other in a group hug. Soon, your cues begin in your in-ear monitors and you break up to take your positions on the platform that will lift you up to the stage.

The concert starts off without a hitch. Everything is perfect and the energy you get as each song progresses is nothing like you've ever felt. The sea of fans is expansive and blinding and you still have to check you're not dreaming every few moments. You eventually settle into the stage and the concert slows down a bit with your solo performances.

Your company had encouraged you all to perform something of your own choosing and while you had a vast repertoire of songs tucked away on your GarageBand, they were mostly unfinished, too personal or waiting to be adapted to your group to go onto your future albums. The song had to be something that would only ever be just for you, but something you could bare to release into the world for everyone else to hear.

Okay, so maybe you let your emotions rule you and get the best of you. Maybe the song you chose was the wrong one to invite your fans to insert themselves into. Maybe it was too personal to sing a song about Mark Lee in front of the biggest crowd you'd ever played in your life, but when else could you?

The baby grand piano is gleaming in the centre of the stage and your blue dress is sparkling from the way the lights hit the crystals adorning the whole slip. You're admittedly more nervous about this, but you think it's more to do with the fact that you know Mark Lee is in the stadium, somewhere.

Your company had warned you that if you wanted to sing this song, you had to do a little speech before that would throw them off your scent, "Hi guys," you pause for their screams, "I know you guys enjoyed Kali's energetic dance and Jian's amazing original song! For my segment, I thought we could have a little chill time and not to dampen your spirits, but I wanted to show you guys this heartbreak track that I wrote after watching too many sad rom-coms. I really hope that none of you guys can relate and if anyone ever breaks your heart, just send them my way, okay? I hope you guys enjoy it. This is '21'."

You let out a deep breath and remind yourself that this was the right choice. Your fingers glide over the keys perfectly like it's muscle memory from the year you've been working on the song. You send a prayer to higher beings that Mark won't kill you as you begin the first lines.

"I missed your 21st birthday. I've been up at home; almost tried to call you, don't know if I should. Hate to picture you half-drunk, happy. Hate to think you went out without me. I'm sorry if you blame me, if I were you I would. Thought you'd see it coming, but you never could. I still haven't heard from your family, but you said your mom always loved me."

Mark celebrated your 21st birthday with you. Public dates were not a thing in your relationship, but this man made every effort to make the best out of your situation. He kicked out your members from your dorm after enlisting their help to decorate the place top to bottom in rose gold banners and balloons. After taking cooking lessons for weeks previously, he had then covered your dining table with expensive cloth and filled up two glasses with wine to go with the steak that he had perfectly cooked all for you. He then took you to the couch and serenaded you with a love song about how much you mean to him and how thankful he was for you. On top of all that, you had boxes and boxes of presents to unwrap that were all thoughtful, beautiful, or meaningful. Mark Lee was the perfect boyfriend.

For Mark's 21st birthday, you were sat cross-legged on your sofa with your phone placed on the table in front of you, face up. It was as if you were waiting for him to be the one to call when you were the one who broke his heart just a few weeks earlier and asked to not be friends.

You were drinking the wine that he poured for you on your birthday and you were half-drunk, punching in his number on your keypad, because even though you deleted his number, you already knew it off by heart. There was just something in you that refused to carry it through. You were a coward and Mark Lee celebrated his birthday without you for the first time in 7 years.

"I see the look in your eye and I'm biting my tongue. You were the love of my life since I was young. When the night is over, don't call me up I'm already under. I get a little bit alone sometimes and I miss you again. I'll be the love of your life inside your head. When the night is over, don't call me up I'm already under."

Later on that night, you're lying wide awake and staring up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that you and Mark had decided to plaster all around your ceiling when you were bored one day. The crowd seemed to love the song thankfully and it was easy to get their energy back up. People placed meaning into everything idols did, so you weren't surprised at the people who were making guesses about your love life and the subject of the song. Whatever, they'd never get it right, anyway.

Your phone ringing cuts through the silence and you curse, hoping it won't wake up the other girls in the dorm. They're probably dead asleep from the high-energy concert anyway.

"You're still up?" his voice is grainy through the speaker.

"You're the one that called. Did you not want me to answer?" you quip back, "It's the adrenaline, I think."

"Touché. I was going to leave a voicemail, but this is better, I guess," Mark uttered, "The concert was amazing, by the way. I'm sorry we didn't come and say hello backstage, but we really enjoyed it."

"Thanks, Mark and thank the boys for me too, okay?" you instruct.

"Mhmm, of course," he replies, "That song you wrote was good, you know. But you might've as well called it 'Mark'."

You're laughing softly at his comment, "I should've changed the number, I know. But shut up- if you know it's for you, then why don't you follow my words? I said don't call me tonight."

"I've never been good at following rules when it comes to you," Mark sighs, "Plus, there's not a lot of times I can just call you up like this. At least I had something to say to you."

"You can always call if you want."

"Would you always answer?"

You pause to think, but Mark takes that as confirmation.

"Have you thought about what I said? 6 months ago when I asked if you wanted to be friends again? Or even get back together?"

"That question keeps me awake every night," you joke, "But today, when I was just looking out at the fans and greeting the idols that came backstage after the concert, it really made me think about how much I wanted to be doing all of this with you. I've always regretted what happened between us because it wasn't a choice I wanted to make. There are no words to describe the way that love manifests in front of you from the fans. I always find myself wishing you were still here by my side."

"Hm, cryptic. Is that an answer to my question or do I have to wait another 6 months to call you up and ask again?"

"How long are you going to keep asking?" you uttered, the feeling of disappointment taking over your body as you still couldn't find the courage to finally give in and allow yourself to be happy.

"Until you say yes again."

-

JULY 2020

The world was still shut as you knew it, yet you were halfway around the world from the place you grew to call home. Your company was generous to give you two months off to spend with your loved ones, and you chose to spend some time cooped up in your parents' house and your childhood home because even though there were so many quarantining requirements to get between the two countries, you hadn't seen your parents in almost 3 years.

Of course, you missed your members, but you lived with them and would continue to see them nearly every day for as long as you could keep your career going. Of course, you missed Mark, but it's not like you could go and see him anyway with the tough restrictions imposed on the Korean citizens.

There was also one big- scratch that- giant problem looming over your and your company's heads. The bane of your existence and public enemy number 1 Dispatch had dangled over your heads the threat of releasing the photos they had grabbed of you and Mark abroad in Vancouver at the start of the year. It wouldn't have been damning evidence considering it was the only photo set they had acquired of the two of you, but you were holding hands with your eyes clearly in view. 

Your companies had threatened to sue, of course, but Dispatch has never been scared. Then, your companies tried to play the guilt-trip card and interrogate them on why they would care to do such a thing when the world was suffering enough as it is. Alas, nothing got through to Dispatch. Eventually, your companies surrendered to pay a preposterous amount to get rid of the problem and it probably didn't even make a dent in SM's savings, but it surely hurt your growing but small company even if SM took the majority of the bill. 

It was completely eating you up and tearing your insides to know that because of your slip-up with Mark, the trainees in your company had to get their debut pushed back by a good probable few years.

Mark had been the perfect boyfriend, supporting you through your change to your new company and your short training period before your debut. Mark had been there to metaphorically hold your hand as you got to know the other girls and make lifelong sister bonds out of it. Mark had been there to cheer you on in the early mornings when you were doing your first few stages. Mark had been there when your first comeback did even better than your debut and propelled you to the top of the industry.

So why, oh why, were you thinking about whether being together is good for everyone involved? There you found yourself in a dark room, the phone next to your head as soft cries and hiccups escaped your lips.

"Baby, please tell me what's wrong. I hate when you cry and it's really hurting me that I'm not there with you right now. Do you want me to come there? Cause I will! I'll say I'm sick or something." he's rambling through the phone and you can hear that it's raining heavily in Seoul.

"Mark, you know that I love you right?"

"Of course I do," he coos gently, "And you're my once-in-a-lifetime great love. I love you too, baby. What's wrong?"

You don't even believe the words that come out of your mouth when you whisper them, "I can't do this anymore Mark. I think we need to break up."

"What? Y/N, this is not funny," his voice instantly turns serious.

"I'm sorry Mark, but I'm serious," you're sobbing at this point and you're surprised he can even still understand you, "I really don't want to do this but-"

"So why are you doing this? Look, let's just talk when you get back, okay? You're coming home soon, right? Or I can take a flight there, but baby, don't make these rash decisions- we're just missing each other."

"The guilt is eating me up, Mark," you confess in hushed tones, "I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. And every time I'm with you, I feel only this sense of anxiety about being caught together that I can't shake. I love you so much, Mark, but I don't know why I feel like this."

"Y/N, we've dealt with so much over the years and we've fought through everything together! We can work through this together, I promise. Just give me some time to think about what to do and everything will be okay-" he's crying now too and it breaks your heart to hear it because he barely ever cries, "I'll get the company to pay yours back what you paid to those assholes. Come on, baby."

"Mark," you whimper, "I ruined the company. I don't want to hurt my members either. Even if we admit to dating, imagine the hate that my group will face! I don't want to let them down any more than I already have."

"I'll tell the fans to not hate- Y/N just tell me what I can do to stop whatever this break-up idea in your head is. We're meant to be, Y/N. We're each other's perfect match."

"I don't love you any less, Mark. Please remember that. I need to do this for my members and for my company that took a leap of faith in me. I don't want to walk away from you, but I don't see any other choice. I don't want to hurt you or your members either. I can't be seen with you."

His voice is small and strained, "You're breaking my heart, Y/N."

"And I'm never going to forgive myself for it."

-

EARLY 2018

This was definitely the hardest decision of your life and it wasn't one that you took lightly either. It was something you had been thinking about for over a year and more intensely when the company started to press you on extending your exclusive training contract.

Herin Seo had entered SM just before you did and she lived and trained with you. She was your best friend outside of Mark and it broke your heart when she left the company only after 4 years in 2017. There were only a few months left on her contract, but she was desperate to get an out and an idol survival show finally gave her the motivation to break free.

Right now, she's taking the seat in front of you after setting down your favourite drinks from your favourite cafe that she still remembers, "Iced vanilla matcha latte for me and an iced oat latte for my best friend."

"You're the best Herin! My treat next time," you promise as you take the first sip. It's been a while since you've come to the café since it hurts to go when it used to be your spot with Herin.

"Well better be soon because I'm leaving in 5 days," she pouts, "I'm sorry I could only come to visit for a short time."

"It's okay. I'm glad to see you anyway after all these months," you grin, "How's settling back in Manchester?"

"I mean it's always been home but it took me a few months to really get to grips with the fact that I wasn't leaving after a week like I did when I would visit during my training. It's really weird to know England is now my permanent home and that I'm going to start school again there," she looks outside the large window that overlooks the river, "I really really miss Seoul."

You take her hand and muster your best comforting smile, "I'm really sorry that things didn't turn out how we wanted them to."

"Ha, it's not your fault Y/N. I mean, you're in the same boat; what are you planning to do with this contract thing?"

You sigh at the age-old question that's been plaguing your mind for months. In fact, your meeting with the company to decide your future was tomorrow and you still had no concrete idea of what you wanted, "I really don't know Herin. SM has been everything I've known for 5 years and everyone I love is at the company. I don't even know how to switch agencies or what happens at other agencies. At the same time, I know they're planning for a group soon, but I have this feeling that I can't shake when I think about it. I look at Jimin and Minjeong and my sweet baby Yizhou and I don't think I'm what the company wants."

"But they've invested so much time and money into you!" Herin furrows her eyebrows, "Surely they're building a group around you, Yizhuo, Koeun, Lami, and Hina! We were a pre-debut team! They can't just disregard all of you guys, right?"

"I wouldn't put it past them," you're fiddling nervously with your hands, "They've been good to me, but they're a business at the end of the day. I'm so torn up and I was thinking you could help me. How did you know that you wanted to leave the company?"

She thinks for a while before answering your question, "Well the survival show was just the reason why I left before my contract was up, but I already knew that I wasn't going to stay on and re-sign. For me, it just felt like I had more to give, but the environment I was in wasn't letting me grow anymore. I felt like there was nothing more I could give to SM. Even though Idol School didn't work out for me, I was still glad that I went."

You nod along to her story, "I haven't told anyone about this Herin. Mark's been bugging me about my terms for re-signing my contract, so I don't think it's even fathomable for him for me to leave."

"It's about you, Y/N. This is your story, your career, and your decision. There are going to be a lot of people that are going to be hurt or angry, but they will never understand what you're going through. Especially not the people who already debuted," Herin advises, "Look, talk about it with Mark tonight, and don't leave it until after your meeting because that might hurt more, but if he really loved you and wanted what's best for you, he would trust in your decision."

"You're right Herin. Thanks for being there for me."

So, you called Mark later on that night to come over. You had cooked up a few dishes for you to share and asked your dorm mates if they could give you a few hours for some alone time. Telling Mark was definitely going to be hard, but you couldn't imagine the conversation with the girls, who were going to be the most hurt. You remember when Herin left- you weren't angry, but you were overwhelmingly sad about the thought of the girl you started your journey with not being there anymore. That was when you started to question if you should still be there too, but you were scared to instill this thought in your other younger trainees that maybe thought they still had a chance.

"Hi baby," Mark is beaming when you open the door to him. He quickly shuts the door behind him with his foot and wraps you up in a tight hug, making sure to plant a kiss on your lips and then all over your face, "I missed your gorgeous face so much- oh my God the apartment smells so good! What did you cook?"

"Just some beef and rice," you lead him over to the dining table with the food set out already.

"Oh my gosh, you're so amazing," Mark smooches your cheek affectionately and takes his seat on the table. You had lived at the dorm for your whole time at SM and along the way, Mark had chosen his own seat at your dining table for when you had dinners inside, which was almost every date you shared.

You start with small talk, letting him eat and enjoy his meal before you inevitably break a little bit of his precious heart. You hadn't seen Mark for a few days since he was busy with some schedules, so he tells you all about the boys and what they've been up to recently. They're working on the biggest project NCT has ever done so far- a full 18-member release- and it's going spectacularly well. The album itself was a few weeks out, but each unit had been dropping some songs along the way.

"Babe, the company is throwing a release party when the album drops in a few weeks! Isn't that so exciting? They actually asked us what food we want at the party so we're all going crazy. I think Hyuck asked for a fondue fountain, so I'm dying to see if they'll actually give that," he's chuckling, halfway through his plate, "Do you have any special requests?"

Okay, deep breath. Now's the time. It's all or nothing.

"Actually Mark, I invited you over to talk about something," you begin and the smile on his face drops at your warning tone, "Please don't be upset with me."

"Ah, what's wrong?" he's pouting and you have to look away to get the strength to say what you need to. If you looked in his eyes any longer, you would find some reason to convince you to stay just for him.

"My contract meeting is tomorrow," you gulp, "I'm going to leave the company, Mark."

The sound of his chair scraping against the floor makes you cringe, "What? Y/N, what? What do you mean you're leaving the company? Where are you going to go? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just made up my mind today, Mark. I'm sorry I didn't confide in you, but this was a decision I had to make for myself," tears are welling up along your lash line, "I spoke to Herin today and I realised that the only thing making me stay any longer was you."

"But you're so close to debut!" he's arguing pleadingly, crouching beside you and holding your hand, "Babe, I can't imagine this company without you."

"I'm not Mark. You know that I'm not any closer to debut than I was when I joined 5 years ago. You're indispensable to this company, but I'm really not," you expressed, "I don't want to leave and I love you, your boys, and my girls, but I think this is what's best for me."

"But where are you going to go?" Mark sniffles, "I love you so much Y/N, but what's going to happen to us?"

You shake your head at his insinuations, "No, Mark. Don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to us and I'll make sure that whatever company I join will know about us and protect us. I hope you'll find it in you to forgive me for this."

He stands up and wraps his arms around you from above, "I'm sorry for reacting this way Y/N, but there's nothing for you to be sorry for. I trust you, okay? I love you and I want you to do what's best for you. I know I can't make decisions for you, but I'll try my best to support you however I can."

You look up at him with adoration dripping from your eyes, "I love you, Mark. We're going to be okay, yeah?"

He brings his head down and connects your lips in the most love-filled way that your heart explodes in that familiar overwhelming feeling that Mark always seems to do to you, "We're going to be okay, baby."

-

LATE 2022

The world was playing a sick joke on you- it really was. There was no way your whole career wasn't just some April Fools' prank or that you weren't just the main target of some joke show.

You always prided yourself on being close with the company's staff and higher-ups. As a leader of your group, you felt that it was integral to your success that you were able to communicate your wishes and worries to the company and this gave you more creative freedom too. Apparently, the company too was getting more comfortable with you.

"What did you just say?" your eyes were incredulous, peering towards your sheepish CEO, "That's actually the worst idea I've ever heard in my life."

"Look, Y/N, you wanted a feature on your song," your CEO chuckles at your response, "I think this is an amazing idea."

"You're literally giving Dispatch a green light to release those photos. Do you want me to email you a picture of me and Mark making out so you can just tweet it from the official account?" you counter, "Why in the hell would having my ex-boyfriend feature on my solo debut title track be anything short of a terrible idea?"

"Mark is incredibly famous and incredibly talented," she begins, counting with her fingers, "You have high standards. We have a good relationship with SM Entertainment. Your fans love shipping the two of you together since you're in the same age group."

"He's also my ex-boyfriend. Is that not extremely problematic? Everyone will hyper analyse every interaction we have or have had and then they're actually going to figure out that we dated." you ponder, "The worst part of this all is that I know he would say yes if his company lets him."

"Exactly- he's your ex-boyfriend, not your current one. By all logic, he's now just another fellow idol or colleague that you can collaborate with. Anyway, SM will definitely say yes; look how many of their idols are in relationships or at least feature on tracks."

"This is all Crush and Joy's fault," you groan, looking at the pleased expression on your CEO's face knowing that she had won the argument.

When your company proposed the idea of having a solo debut to you half a year ago, you had vehemently declined the opportunity, citing it wouldn't be beneficial to your group as a whole and that you wanted to be known for your group and not your individuality. Your members, on the other hand, had different ideas and talked you into at least hearing out the company. You had really only agreed to the debut when they told you that they would give you full musical freedom and the help that you personally requested. It only seemed like a good idea when you realised that someone in the group needs to be the one to start doing solo activities so the rest of the group can follow suit. You've always known that Jian has been curious about acting.

So you find yourself swiveling in your chair in the studio, waiting for Mark to find his way to the room. It's your first time working together for your solo debut and the last time you had spoken to him was a text he sent you asking if you actually wanted him to feature on the track before he gave a response to his company. You begrudgingly replied a yes because even though you still didn't think it was a good idea, you couldn't imagine yourself working with anyone other than Mark. The industry was crazy sometimes.

The knocking on the door snapped you out of your thoughts and you jumped up to open it to Mark Lee holding two cups on the other side.

"Hey pretty. I got us some coffee," he pushes a cup into your hand and you move aside to let him in, "How are you?"

"Don't call me pretty," you mumble as you turn away to hide the blush starting to appear on your cheeks, "But I'm okay. It's getting busier with the holidays coming up, so you know how that is, but the company thought this time was a great time to work on my debut."

"I feel you," Mark grimaces, taking a seat on the other spinning chair, "Don't tell anyone but Dream is actually having another comeback. It's going to be out just before Christmas."

"Another one?" your eyes widen in shock, "But you just released 2 Baddies and I know you definitely have a repackage soon!"

"Yeah, it's hard to be part of both units," he sighs, "Cause our new album will be over 6 months out from Beatbox, but only 3 months from 2 Baddies. Whatever, you know I love what I do."

"Doesn't mean you don't get tired," you cross your arms, "Now I feel bad having you on this track. You are way too busy, Mark! Why didn't you or your company say no?"

He shakes his head to reassure you, "Nah, trust me Y/N; you're exactly the break I need from the boys. Besides, I've never had the chance to formally work with you, so why would I give up the opportunity when it comes? We always made a great team back then."

You smile fondly, thinking about all those times when you and Mark were young teenagers and would huddle up in the practice rooms writing songs together and creating melodies on your guitars.

"I guess we did. Anyway, have a listen to this track. It's just something I wrote a while ago, but it always seemed unfinished so I thought that a feature would complete it," you hand him a pair of headphones and gesture over to your laptop with the track already loaded up, "If you like it, you can do your part in the second verse, but otherwise we can start from scratch."

You watch his face as he listens to the song and you're endeared to find out he still carries the same habit of letting his face do all the talking whenever he's listening to something new. His head is bobbing up and down as he nods along to the song and you can easily tell which parts he likes.

"So, what do you think?" you inquire.

He has a grin on his face, "I love it! Honestly! It's a cute song about a crush, I guess?"

"Yeah, I didn't want to go with any song that's lyrically strong for my debut. This song's pretty unassuming and you know how important it is to the companies to have a general public-friendly song," you shrug. They didn't really explicitly give you guidelines, but you knew what the company was really looking for- a hit, "Can you work with that beat? I'll send you the song of course and you don't have to rush or anything."

"I'll see what I can do," Mark teases, "Can I get an insider sneak peek at the rest of the album? You know, feature perks and all of that."

You flush even redder than when he complimented you earlier, "I'm going to be so honest Mark, the whole album is about you. Every song I've written is about you."

He shrugs casually, "I would've figured. You're a big inspiration to my writing too. Is that a no, then?"

You decide that there was no point shying away from Mark's request, considering that he would end up hearing each and every song whenever your album came out anyway. Plus, the two of you were artists and you understood being each others' muse- good or bad. Mark had seen you in every vulnerable state possible. Showing him your songs that you were comfortable enough to release to the public anyway was nothing to you.

"You can listen."

You don't bother giving Mark any explanations for any song- he's the one that lived through these experiences with you. You leave him with your tracklist on the laptop and tell him you would leave him for a few moments to grab some lunch for the two of you in the company cafeteria. You were hoping it was going to be a quick trip down and back up, but you had run into a producer you were also working with on the album, and that gave Mark at least 5 songs worth of time alone.

What you hadn't expected upon returning was to find Mark crying softly, his sweater paws rubbing at his eyes.

"Mark? Are you crying?"

Your surprise caused him to jump up and frantically wipe away his tears, "Ha. That's a really sad album, huh?"

The guilt continues to eat you up from the inside out, "I'm not going to release all of them, I think. A few sad songs and fill the rest in with inconspicuous tracks."

"Well your songs are beautiful anyway," he gives you a pained smile, "You're an amazing writer. I just wish I wasn't the cause of your pain."

"Hey," you scold softly, bumping his arm with yours, "Don't say that. You were nothing but amazing to me. You made me so happy. It was just the circumstances around us."

He chuckled bitterly to himself, "If we weren't famous- if this industry wasn't so vicious, I would still have you?"

"Mark," you warn, but he cuts you off.

"Have you thought about what I asked you?" he interrupts, "It's been a year, you know? I still miss you."

"Mark, it's not that easy," you counter, "Nothing's changed!"

"It's either you want to be with me or you don't. Don't skirt around it and just tell me the truth, okay? It would really make working together easier if I know where we stand. I won't stop fighting for us until you tell me to stop, so tell me what you want, Y/N," Mark pleads, standing up to face you, "I'm sorry for springing it out of nowhere, but I need to know. I can't move on until I know to let you go."

You hate yourself for what you did to Mark. He was the boy that taught you how to love and how to love patiently, sincerely, and passionately. He was the boy that held your hand and rubbed your back when you cried and the boy that celebrated every success with you. He was the boy that told you how proud he was of you, even every time you felt like the world was collapsing around you. He was the boy who would lay kisses on your forehead and whisper sweet nothings in your ear whenever you faced another setback. He was the boy that made flowers bloom out of your heart from his kind gestures and the way he showed you how much he loved you. And if nothing else, Mark was the boy that made you happy.

You remember a conversation with your youngest member the night before. You had confided in her how nervous you were to work with Mark and she lectured you on finally letting yourself be happy. You were already a 4-year idol and Mark was coming onto 7 years. You weren't rookies anymore and you had solid fanbases. It was clear that the companies weren't extremely opposed to revealing that the two of you were dating back then, so she told you that it would be fine now. Kali told you, rather cliché-ly, that the heart wants what it wants and your heart has been screaming and begging from Mark since the second you ended that phone call with him all those years ago.

"Y/N?"

"Mark," you meet his eyes and melt all over again, "It's you, Mark."

Mark wraps one arm around your waist and pulls you tighter. The other hand reaches up to your face to brush your hair out of your face and cradle your cheek as he brings it up to his own face. Your noses are almost touching as Mark lays it all bare for you, "Do you love me or do you not, Y/N?"

"I do," the feeling is cathartic when you finally tell him and when he finally presses his lips in a searing kiss that sets off all the fireworks in your heart. The feeling of Mark is familiar, but the kiss is longing and hopeful and you can't get enough.

You're both panting when he breaks the kiss and he rests his forehead against yours as he laughs softly in relief. He's been waiting to do that for over 2 years.

"I need you back, Y/N. It's been the worst 2 years of my life," he whispers against your lips, "Please come back."

You smile when he opens his eyes. They're that shade you grew to love all those years ago and they're sparkling like the day he first asked you to be his girlfriend.

Nothing's changed in your environment, that's for sure. What you're also sure about is that each time you see Mark again, you feel a little braver and more courageous. Each time Mark tells you that he loves you even though you shattered his heart like glass, you feel like his love can get you through anything. Maybe you needed those 2 years to see what you were missing or maybe you were just stupid.

Whatever. All you know now is that even 2 years on, Mark Lee is still begging for your love and your brain is losing out in its battle against your heart. It might've taken you two years, but now you see that all you need is Mark Lee by your side to get through the torrential storm that was heading your way and that you were going to get out on the other side to a bright and sunny sky, as long as he was holding your hand and leading you.

You place a kiss on his lips that tells him all he needs to know, "I'm here, Mark. It's always been you. You've always been the one. Always."

[verdemoun]

for once I’m not asking for angst 🤞 what kind of music would the modern au characters like? Like genres and bands :)

completely biased because i listen exclusively to musicals and late 00s teenage angst black parade is forever BUT

arthur: country music. including white girl country-pop music. can be caught doing little shuffle steps as he discreetly tries to dance along to a song stuck in his head while mumbling the lyrics under his breath. has main character moments smoking outside at night listening to need you now by lady a.

lenny: really into remixes. likes the extra pep it puts in his step, will accidentally walk to the beat and look like a dork. surprising amount of rock. but anything that's super lyrical, songs that tell a story, he will add to his playlist. duets what you own from rent with sean on karaoke nights.

sean: could not name a single band or genre he listens to because it's just anything with a high enough bpm to make his brain buzz. honorable mention to the cranberries and flogging molly but will do a fully choreographed routine to jailhouse rock without a single drink in his system.

hosea+bessie: any old timey easy listening ballads, occasional swing. hosea can't sing to save his life bless him but will still sing the really cheesy romantic lines to bessie as they slow dance in the living room after a few glasses of wine they're so in love please. anything that would be a first dance song at a wedding they have in their playlist

dutch: opera and orchestra forever. exact same music he listened to at camp will go on about kids these days and the hippity hop they dare call music. it takes him exactly 3 seconds after being introduced to cds and digital downloads to become a vinyl purist even complains about record players over gramophone.

annabelle+susan: annabelle is probably the most adapted to modern era she will listen to anything radio popular and susan is the same way inclined thanks to her job at at the local pub. but they both particularly enjoy bonnie tyler, kate bush and a sneaky bit of abba. think mamma mia is a cinematic masterpiece.

molly: mitski. boygenius. phoebe bridgers. aurora. any indie female lead who sings about broken hearts/betrayal/angry break up songs. listens to a suspicious amount of queer artists too.

kieran: the definition of 'i'll just be here listening to my tunes' only for the speakers to immediately cut to screamo. occasionally they can hear the bass through his headphones and gently remind him to turn it down to protect his hearing. despite this he will always get the mlp theme song stuck in arthur's head at the worst times.

javier: disgusted that disco was dead by the time he timewarped. just wants to boogie to that 70s funky beats. definitely has a playlist dedicated to john marston that is just any song with a reference to wolves. thinks he's hilarious. is the reason john can identity hungry like the wolf within two seconds of it starting (he walks out) (javier learned it on guitar. and both in english and spanish)

jack+isaac: mcr, panic, fallout boy. they will forever be on that angsty teenage bullshit. isaac may have designed them fabulous killjoy ocs and jack proceeded to write a 100k word self-insert fanfic about them. and they have matching mcr lyric tattoos. and mutually agree the kids from yesterday was actually written about them. play that g note and they both collapse with sorrow.

[jeonqkooks]

fluff 7 + angst 18 obs (or any other jk story on your masterlist)

"My mom adores you." + "All you had to do was stay."

pairing: jungkook x f!reader

rating: PG

genre/warnings: established relationship, college au, fluff but to be fair this is obs so everything is angsty in hindsight 😭 but i tried, a couple of swear words here and there, one mention of childbirth lol

word count: 1.8k

vote for the revenge dick 😈 here!

series masterpost ⊹ playlist ; moodboards ; taglist

— as always, i’d appreciate any thoughts or comments you may have, and please drop a like and/or reblog if you enjoy reading ♡

Jungkook suddenly switches off the TV, interrupting your Goblin binge session. You turn to look at him quizzically, but he just swings a leg over both of yours and pulls you closer until your hips are flushed together. He holds your body down with his limbs, looking into your eyes with a sickeningly sweet glint in his.

“Hey, pretty,” he coos, so suspiciously sappy out of nowhere that you have to squint your eyes at him. What does he want now? What motive does he have for disrupting your weekly thirsting over Gong Yoo and Lee Dong Wook?

Jungkook presses a wet kiss to your cheek and squeezes your waist affectionately before he speaks. 

“As you know,” he begins, “my mom is coming to visit this weekend–”

“Absolutely not.”

He scooches back a little, mouth hanging open, flabbergasted at your swift shut down when he has barely gotten more than a few words out. “Wha– You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“Yes, I do.” You give him a look and try to move away, but his meaty thighs are caging you in and he’s just clinging to you like a freaking koala that it’s hard to budge a single inch. “Stop trying to make me spend time with your mother. That woman terrifies me.”

At this, he frowns. “What has she ever done to you?”

“She hates me,” you deadpan, and watch his expression shift into one of confusion.

Although, in the name of completely unfiltered and unadulterated truth, you don’t actually think Jungkook’s mother hates you so that was probably a bit of a reach.

“What are you talking about? My mom adores you.”

“Remember the last time we visited your parents and I had to leave early because I forgot I had a paper due? You went back with me and she sent me a text saying “If you take my son away from me again, it’s on sight.””

“She what?” he asked with an eyebrow quirked, pink lips curling up steadily fast to display his pearly whites. “She said “it’s on sight”? She actually typed that in a text?”

You nod begrudgingly, and your boyfriend’s first reaction upon hearing that his mother would practically beat your ass, is to laugh. The gall he has to chuck a fucking Elmo laugh at you, eyes turning into slits as he throws his head back to cackle loudly like a child, clearly amused at the revelation. On top of you, his body shakes with utter glee, sending vibrations through you – who is not entertained at all. Nope. Not one bit. 

“Oh,” he says, actually wipes a tear from the corner of his eye, and muses. “So that’s why she asked me what it meant. You have to admit, that’s funny.”

Your hand sneaks down his back to pinch his ass so hard, you hope it leaves a bruise. “The hell it is! Your mom basically promised me violence!”

“Obviously she didn’t mean it. She just wants to know what lingo the kids are using these days. That’s her sense of humor!”

“It doesn’t translate through text!” you protest, but the lack of personal space prevents you from being as dramatic as you’d like. “Moms should not be using slang!”

“Well.” He shrugs and boops your nose sweetly, but you just scrunch it and frown like an angry cat. “Not my fault you had to leave. All you had to do was stay.”

“No, all you had to do was stay.” Jamming an accusing finger into that hollow spot beneath the column of his throat, you crack an evil smile when he chokes on air. “I told you I could’ve taken the train to the city by myself.”

“Um, excuse me for coming with my girlfriend to make sure she didn’t get murdered travelling alone.”

“Oh gosh. My hero,” you say sarcastically, placing a hand over your heart and rolling your eyes. “Don’t act so chivalrous. You know that was because you didn’t want to hear more grandchildren talk.”

“Oh, and you did?” he asked, voice full of sass even though he knows you’re right. The trip was only a few days, but it felt like much longer. His mother wasn’t dropping very subtle hints about wanting a mini Jungkook around the house. He was overtly annoyed, but she was nothing if not persistent and accustomed to his attitude.

It was kind of awkward, but you didn’t give it much thought. Every parent does that anyway.

“I did not,” you confirm, and stare at him blankly. “Your mother talking about me pushing a child the size of a watermelon out of my vagina was very weird. She said that in front of you, your dad and your brother at the dinner table. And now you want me to schedule a one-on-one session with her? Uh-uh, I’ll pass.”

“Come on. Please? You just have to keep her company for one day. I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t have that recording with one of the seniors. Hmm?” He pouts, and you have just a teeny tiny urge to kiss those slightly chapped lips. Then he whips out his stupid eyes, the huge ass Bambi eyes that always look like there’s an entire galaxy within them. But that isn’t even the thing that does you in. It’s the subsequent words he pulls out of his ass that you’re sure don’t hold much weight. “Besides, don’t you want to score points with your future mother-in-law?”

Your lips part slightly and your brain goes haywire. Despite your friends bringing up the topic of marriage from time to time, you haven’t taken a moment to consider family and kids yet. You’ve never imagined yourself walking down the aisle because it is a scary thought – to settle down with someone, to start a family, to grow old with them… To trust that a person wants you enough to vow to love you forever, and for you to want them enough to do the same.

Jungkook’s mother has always been just that to you – his mother. But the words “mother-in-law” imply that one day, she might become a member of your family too, connected by your bond with Jungkook. You know he probably doesn’t fully register what he’s saying. This isn’t something that you two have ever discussed, not seriously anyway.

You and him are both still in school, you’re both young; there’s plenty of time left. You aren’t planning that far ahead into the future relationship-wise, especially with the two of you being career-driven people. Both of whose careers are still so far away from blossoming.

You don’t reckon that that many people a few months into their 20s are prioritizing getting married and settling down anyway. Not unless you’re Kim Taehyung and sometimes you have weird existential musings about life, love, death, and every other thing in between.

Nevertheless, Jungkook’s words are putting thoughts into your head.

You picture Jungkook on his knees, proposing to you. You picture his face when he sees you in a wedding dress for the first time, in front of all your friends and family. You picture your honeymoon – maybe somewhere tropical like Hawaii or the Maldives – with him happy and relaxed, right by your side. You even picture a kid too, one that is the perfect combination of you and him, running around and babbling nonsense…

Your heart flutters and you blush. If you can do it with him, then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s tempting enough that you might consider marriage and the whole shebang. Not now, but some day. You reiterate those familiar words in your mind: What will be, will be.

Regardless, it’s like that feeling you get when you go apartment hunting and looking for the right home. With every place you step into, you start to imagine yourself as if you’re already living there. You see your frames and posters on the bare walls, your clothes hanging in the empty closet, your books and little trinkets littering the vacant shelves…

Your brain conjures up a whole life for you, one that’s so irresistible that it takes you approximately five seconds to get attached to. That’s usually how long it takes – a few seconds – for you to grow fond of a life you haven’t lived, a version of you that doesn’t exist yet.

The same thing happens now, as Jungkook’s words echo and your mind, unintentionally, presents you a glimpse of what life could be like with him. An entire future together. A flower-filled path and him, next to you, with a smile that you adore blooming on his face. It feels… attainable. It feels like it’s within your reach.

As the images in your head fade away, you know you’d acquiesce. It’s not his pout that convinces you, nor is it his eyes. It’s not even the cunning way that he saccharifies his voice to make your knees buckle even when you’re horizontal. Jungkook hasn’t persuaded you at all, but your little romanticized daydreams sure have.

“Ugh,” you groan, feigning annoyance, succumbing to his body weight on top of you like you’re boneless. “Fine. I’ll show her around the city. Maybe take her to that café by the waterfr–!”

Jungkook squeals, excitement pouring out of him, and leans down to kiss you deeply. You feel him smile against your lips and this makes you smile too, but he’s positively wrecking your lungs at this point. When the sudden lack of air combined with the added pressure on your chest gets too much, you make a muffled noise against his mouth and move to nudge him off of you.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, still smiling. “I’ll even give you two permission to talk shit about me.”

You scoff and politely decline, as one would a telemarketer. “No, thanks. I just got my hair done. I don’t want your mom to rip it out.”

Jungkook mimics your eye roll from earlier, but then quickly returns to looking at you appreciatively when you shoot him half a glare. When he leans in again, you let him kiss your cheek.

“I’ll give you something else then. What do you want, the moon?” He grins. He then taps his chin a few times and hums, pretending to be in thought. “The stars? How about Saturn?”

You glance sideways at him, and feel a smile pulling up the corners of your lips. You can’t help it. He plucks the strings of your heart like he’s playing the harp, and every sound it makes reverberates through you like a love song you could never perfect.

You snatch the TV remote from behind his back and return to your beloved drama, but not before giving him a final kiss.

“Okay, you can give me Saturn.”

— permanent taglist: @mi55delulu​ @fan-ati--c @highly-functioning-mitochondria​ @bruisedscrewedandtattooed​ @morauvmi​ @jeonjcngkook @shownusshoulders @jungkooksseuphoria @yoongukie-ff @curioughts @taegismochi @libra04​  @hrts4kook​ @royallyjjk @here4btsfics @mytearsriscochet @armys-dna @btsstan12​ @i-dont-give-a-fok @callmejimmeo @parkdatjimin​ @lookhere-2seok​ @rexana19​ @investedreader @betysotelo18

— series taglist: @bids97​ @ggukkieland​ @bloopkook​ @canarystwin​ @princehyun-jin​ @scoupsnotscoops​ @eridanuswave​ @thebluegoddess​ @pb89nv @ppeachyttae​ @xxxxxuixxxxx @bananamochidaisy​ @jungkook-er @acciofirewhiskey​ @bbtsficrecs​ @luv--you​ @jeonkoookiee​ @sweetonkookieandtae @mrcleanheichou​ @neverthefirstchoice​ @lllucere​ @parkethereal​ @tsundoku-world​ @starbtslove​ @satisfied18​ @wearenot7withu​ @hobipost​ @kookiesncum​ @jkkkkkay​ @apollukee @amackie1018 @holdmehyungs​ @hoseoksluv89​ @sakm95​ @belladaises​ @pb-n-juju​ @curryramyeon​ @n4mina​ @definetlythinkimanalien​ @soojin23​ @galaxyeyedjungkook​ @lovelytaes-blog​ @lpgirl2324​ @ellesalazar​ @geniejunn​ @yoongslast​ @moonchild1​ @bangtanlvrsworld @buurosy @ravensglory​ @yoongifiess​ @hyuckscore​ @kswr1d​ @scenanrios @bbl32​ @nadzzzblog

— all rights reserved © jeonqkooks. reposting, translating and/or modifying is not permitted by any means. [posted september 24, 2022]

[summercourtship]

i absolutely love your amanda writings! the lack of amanda fics anywhere makes me so sad. if possible could i request something mega angsty with her 🧍🏻‍��️ i love angst but i know not a lot of people do so totally okay if you don't want to take this one! (if you take on this request it does not have to be dbd related)

Thank you!!! She def deserves more fic- I love her so much and think she’s such an interesting character to explore.

Quick question for all y’all: do you think it’s more interesting when Amanda’s s/o is also a Jigsaw apprentice or when they don’t know about Amanda’s involvement in the murders? I can’t decide which intrigues me more!

also taking this moment to plug my amanda playlist again

last night.

Amanda Young x Reader | warnings: character death | word count: 1077

“Hey, can we talk?”

Amanda slammed the drawer she’d been rummaging in, tossing the first-aid supplies on the counter. She hadn’t heard you, opening another drawer and starting to shift through its contents.

You’d only realized that she was in your apartment when you’d heard your front door slam shut. Though at first you had thought it was someone coming to kill or kidnap you, but when you’d crept into the living space, the kitchen light was on and Amanda was standing in front of your junk drawers, clearly out of it.

“Amanda!” You say, louder than you’d have liked for this time of night. But it got her to finally look up at you, her eyes wide and frantic. It took her a moment to recognize you, bringing her mind back to the present moment and away from whatever she had been preoccupied with.

You take a moment to really look at her, how different she was from the last time you saw her. Something had clearly happened, and you feared the worst. Amanda was no stranger to relapse, but every time you thought about her falling back into her dangerous habits your heart broke. Seeing her frantically searching for something in your kitchen when you’d been presumed asleep didn’t help your suspicion.

You didn’t know which was worse: her trying to find valuables to pawn for drugs or something to numb the pain and distract her from her cravings. Neither of which were going to be in your kitchen drawers, most of them filled with random wires, take-out menus, and batteries.

“I’m worried about you. I rarely see you anymore, and you seem... really unlike yourself.” You move towards her, and you notice just how tired she looks. Her hair is messily tied back into a ponytail, strands hanging out and sticking to her face with oil and sweat. The bags under her eyes are prominent, her eyes hazy and somewhere else. In short, she looks like she’s been having the roughest day possible.

“I’m fine.” Even her voice is tired, flat and grating on her vocal chords.

“You clearly aren’t.” You place a hand on her arm, relieved when she doesn’t throw it off. “You can talk to me, you know. I’m always here for you.”

For a moment, she relaxes at your touch, before she catches sight of the supplies she’d thrown on the counter. It seems to set her off again, and she yanks her arm back before throwing open the next drawer.

“Do you have any anesthesia?” She doesn’t even look up at you as she asks, as if it was the most common question in the world to be asked at 1:00 AM in your dinky kitchen.

“What?” That was not what you were expecting.

“I said, do you have any anesthesia?” She looks up at you now, her jaw clenched. But she’s on the verge of tears, something that she’s obviously trying to hide. But things like that don’t escape your notice, not when it comes to Amanda.

“No, of course not. Amanda, what the hell is going on?”

“If you’re not going to help me, then shut the fuck up and go away.”

All you can think is that you need to diffuse the situation, and try to keep her with you and not out in the world doing who-knows-what.

“Okay, but you’re in my apartment. I don’t just have medical supplies hidden away in my kitchen.”

“God! Are you always this annoying?”

Ouch.

“I just wanted to help.” You say, stung by her harsh words.

“Well, you’re doing a shit job of it.” The slam of the drawer makes you jump, unnaturally loud in the quiet night. But you barely even hear it, her words echoing in your mind. She snatches the few supplies she had been able to find- mainly gauze- and sweeps out of the room and apartment without even a second glance back at you, leaving you confused and hurt. But more than that, you were scared for her and worried about whatever she had gotten herself into.

___

You stared at the tiny cubby that had been Amanda’s bed. The place smelled awful, and it broke your heart to think of her spending her time here when she could have been with you.

The investigators had taken everything that was of any legal worth, leaving behind what they deemed to be useless. But you saw its real worth- drawings and notes, her blankets and clothes. It was all her, the only sign that she had been a living human being.

You’ve replayed your last conversation countless times since it happened, wondering if there was something-anything- you could’ve said to get her to stay. But you knew that her devotion to you was second to her devotion to John- to Jigsaw.

It hurts even more when you think about what he did to her, and how she had somehow convinced herself that it was good and right. You’d never have the opportunity to tell her that she didn’t need a near death experience to learn to appreciate life, what she had needed was rehab and someone who cared about her. Someone who actually cared about her, as she was. Who wanted to help her without giving her more trauma on top of what she had already been through.

Shuffling around the gutted space, ignoring the suspicious stains on the floor and the amount of tools left behind, the razor wires and gears and shards of glass, you think once more on the conversation in your kitchen. If you had known that that would be the last time you spoke to her, that that was her last day on Earth, would you have tried harder to get her to stay? You haven’t forgotten her venomous words or the look in her eyes when she left your apartment, but your newfound understanding of her life brought clarity to the day.

You’d be questioned, more so than you already had been. The Jigsaw murders had shaken your city, and the idea that a survivor of Jigsaw became his closest accomplice would only further rattle it. But you couldn’t bring yourself to care about that, or the fact that you might somehow be implicated due to your association with Amanda.

All you could bring yourself to do was grab one of her blankets and some of the papers off her wall and head home, your mind silent.

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[bentforkent]

coconut rum

emily prentiss x jennifer ‘jj’ jareau

content warnings: allusion to sex/hookup, !!!alcohol mentions!!, fluff, angst 

word count: 3,308

college roommate au

in which emily and jj are best friends and roommates who accidentally hook up 

----

emily prentiss is fucked. that’s her first thought when she wakes up in a bed that’s not her own. emily prentiss is so, astronomically fucked. that’s her second thought. that one comes when she turns to the source of the soft, sleepy puffs of breath beside her and is met with the very gentle and very naked frame of her best friend.

jj’s hair is splayed around her head in a halo. she’s sleeping on her back, the white downy comforter tangled in her legs. her head lolls to the side facing emily, like she’d fallen asleep mid-pillowtalk. emily trails a finger down the bridge of her nose with a feather-like touch. her fingers dance along jj’s collarbone, lingering there. jj’s soft skin is littered with deep red-purple bruises. hickeys, emily’s groggy brain registers. they’re almost grotesque, like a crime scene in a safe suburban neighborhood, and emily feels a little guilty looking at them even though she’s definitely the culprit. the room is comfortable and golden; a sort of divinity settling over the two of them as if they were two gods who’d created a universe the night before. emily looks at jj once again. no, they weren’t both gods. jj is far more celestial in this moment than emily could ever dream of being.

jj stirs with a twitch of her nose, letting her eyes flutter open. she rubs them until emily, who’s staring at her with intent adoration, comes into focus. “hi, em,” she murmurs, voice croaky.

“hi,” emily responds quietly, absolutely unable to hide the fondness in her voice. yeah, she’s fucked. she desperately wants to press a kiss to jj’s swollen lips, but she doesn’t know where they stand while sober. emily debates for a second, and after getting no hints from jj’s sleepy face, she takes a chance. slowly, emily kisses jj.

jj jerks away with a disapproving hum, and the bubble of bliss emily had created and made a home in pops. emily deflates, her shoulders curling in on themselves. there’s no words exchanged, but jj closes her eyes as if trying to shut out emily, shut out the night before, shut out that one incredibly uncomfortable kiss. emily gets the hint.

“alright, jj, shit,” emily says through a sigh, swinging her legs over the bed. her feet land in a sticky puddle that smells strongly of coconut rum. it’s disgusting, but she peels her feet up and pads out of jj’s room and to her own, leaving tropical footprints in her wake.

how stupid do you have to be to sleep with your best friend?, emily thinks, staring at herself in the tiny round mirror on her wall. her face looks sunken in, her eyes ringed with dark shadows. how stupid do you have to be to sleep with your roommate? she lets out a mirthless laugh. no big deal! no big deal. (but it is. emily just has a poor habit of pretending she has no emotions.) she rubs her face harshly, trying to get herself to wake up. once it burns, she stops, revelling in the redness of her face.

emily and jj have been roommates since they were freshmen. jj walked into their dorm room timidly, anxious to meet the girl she’d be sleeping across from for the year. emily greeted her with a toothy grin, and all of jj’s nerves were eased before they even spoke. from that moment on, they’ve been inseparable.

jj cheered emily up with a loving hand rubbing her back in circles when emily accidentally cut her own bangs too short freshman year. when jj cried after failing her first college exam, emily was there to hug her tightly and tell her that it would be okay. (they made flashcards for the next one.) after emily had her first hookup, jj was the one to discover her hickeys, and they gushed about the lucky girl through giggles. and jj called emily literally immediately after the cute guy in her organic chemistry class finally asked her out.

needless to say, the pair is close. there are hardly any moments in the past few years that emily remembers being without jj. emily could say she was surprised that they had accidentally hooked up last night, but she wasn’t. they had definitely shared some memories that screamed, “hey emily, you’re in love with your best friend,” but emily never paid them any mind until now.

maybe it’s the soft kiss that they share every single time they get drunk. or maybe it’s the pit that settled in emily’s stomach when she sent jj off on that organic chemistry date. or maybe, just maybe, it was the way jj would crawl into emily’s tiny twin bed and hold her after a bad day. maybe.

----

it’s about a month after the awkward hook-up that jj brings jason home. the tension in their apartment has been incredible, thick enough that emily feels like she’s swimming through it. it gets worse when the stupid frat guy walks in, arm slung around jj’s waist, looking like he’s been carved from marble. emily feels sick seeing him.

of course he’s beautiful, and blonde, and a man. he’s perfect for jj. jason sticks around for a while, and each time emily sees him she feels bile rise in her throat. for as much as he hangs around jj, he might as well be emily’s second roommate. she makes this comparison bitterly to herself, and immediately regrets it as soon as he decides to walk around the living room in only his underwear. she feels she manifested that, and makes a solemn promise to the universe to not put any more energy into jason.

she can’t keep that promise.

“your boyfriend didn’t put the toilet seat down again,” emily remarks, stirring creamer into her coffee. they haven’t spoken in weeks.

“i’ll talk to him,” jj replies flatly. her back is turned to emily as she rummages through their crowded refrigerator.

emily keeps her eyes trained on the curve of jj’s spine. “and there was piss in the toilet,” she says.

“okay,” jj repeats, “i’ll talk to him.”

“and---” emily starts, but is startled into silence by a bark of jj’s voice. the blonde woman whips around, ponytail swinging, and steels her gaze on emily’s seated figure.

“enough, emily,” she says harshly. she speaks slowly, as if emily was a toddler. “i will talk to him.” emily can’t control her face contorting at the tone jj has taken with her. her lip snarls up, her eyes narrow, her eyebrows furrow. but before she can come up with a sufficiently disgusted rebuttal, jj is gone, leaving nothing but a faint scent of vanilla in her wake.

as much as emily wants to stalk the other way, dragging her feet dramatically, there’s nowhere to go except to trail behind jj. their rooms are next to each other, something that they’d always valued. now, it makes emily’s stomach twist. she slams the door to her room and queues a playlist filled with angsty guitars. when her bluetooth speaker is loud enough to sufficiently shake the walls, she nods to no one in particular and flops back onto her bed.

she stares at her ceiling fan whirring; blades going ‘round, ‘round, ‘round. the tears in her eyes come from the cool air, she tells herself. they sit on her lower lashline, perched like tiny uncut gems situated in a wedding band. don’t let them fall, she thinks. then, at the recognition of her repressed emotions, she breaks, and the gemstone tears spill over and roll down her cheeks rapidly, their jagged edges leaving tiny cuts against her smooth skin.

“fuck,” emily mutters, but through her clenched teeth the word is just an exhale that bounces around the room. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck, and then emily’s crying harder. caught up in emotion, she tugs a photo of her and jj off of the wall.

it’s the one from their first nights out together. in the picture, emily’s arm is swung around jj’s neck, an alcoholic drink she was definitely too young to have in her hand. she’s smiling so wide at the camera, her eyes squint. jj is looking up at her like she hung the stars.

emily feels sick. everything seems to be mocking her. the picture, the blank wall where it used to hang, the left over sticky-tac there, even the sound of the ceiling fan. i have got to get out of here.

she flings herself at her desk, trying very hard to maintain balance as the desk chair nearly rolls out from beneath her. she opens her laptop, wiping away her tears with the heel of her hand.

there’s banging on the wall her and jj share, and a male voice shouts. “can you turn down your music?”

emily tosses the nearest textbook to her---one about the italian renaissance--- at the wall and turns the volume up two notches.  

a week later, emily has an appointment with a real estate agent to go look at a new apartment. it’s a one bedroom, and hopefully not too scrappy considering her price range. she puts on her most professional looking skirt for the tour--- she’s an adult now for god’s sake.

as she grabs her keys off of the hook next to the front door, emily sees jj for the second time since their tiff. (the first was when emily had answered the door for a pizza delivery man. she locked eyes with jj, who was tangled up with her boyfriend on the couch, on her way back to her room.) jj clears her throat, more so to garner confidence than to get emily’s attention. “i like your skirt,” she says, leaning against the hallway entrance.

“thank you,” emily says, hand on the front doorknob. she pauses and looks down. “now that you say that, i think it’s your skirt.”

and for the first time in what feels like forever, they laugh together. jj fills with warmth seeing emily’s eyes light up. she missed their glint. but as soon as the moment is there, it’s gone, emily closing the door behind her.

-----

“i really, really want this apartment,” emily says with much more enthusiasm than she expected to have. the studio is tiny, yes, but maximizes its space well. as soon as she walked in, the wheels in emily’s head began turning. she would put a rug here, hang the tv there. the ceilings are low, and suspiciously discolored in some places, but emily looks past that to see the apartment’s potential.

the tour was quick, considering the space, and emily is convinced by the end of the 20 minutes that this is the place for her. “i love the windows,” she says, running her fingertips across the windowpane. “i love this apartment.”

“i’m so glad, emily,” the real estate agent, rachel, says sincerely. her head is tilted in amusement as she watches emily drink in the space. there’s a pause, where emily is looking out of the window, unaware of rachel’s eyes trained on her. emily turns and gives her a small, shy smile.

rachel shakes her head as if to clear her mind. “i can draw up the papers,” she says.

at her words, emily is snapped back into reality. her only thought is jj. emily  can’t sign these papers right now. she has to make things right with jj first, then she’ll sign for the apartment. she can’t explain why it’s so important to her to have this talk with jj all of a sudden, but the tiny voice in the back of her head says it starts with an l and ends with an o-v-e.

emily relays this information to rachel, albeit more casually (“let me let my roommate know i’m planning on moving, first.”), then promises to call her later with an answer and a plan for when they can meet again to finalize the sale.

rachel sends emily off with a business card and a hug. when emily gets in her car, she feels icky and wishes they had opted for a handshake instead. she tells herself that a handshake would have just been more professional, but emily doesn’t care too much about professionalism. simply, she just felt weird hugging someone other than jj. this realization doesn’t surprise her, but it weighs heavily on her shoulders. how stupid do you have to be to fall in love with your best friend?

emily trudges through the front door of the apartment, footsteps slow with the anxiety of having to talk things out with jj. she pushes the door to jj’s room open, but is met with a perfectly made bed. jj’s not home. emily is relieved to an extent, but the anxiety creeps up over her when she realizes she’ll have to sit and wait for jj to get home to talk to her. how humiliating. emily tosses her shoes next to the front door with a bit more force than necessary, taking pride in the two thuds that follow. her phone feels heavy in her skirt pocket, like a mocking symbol of having to call a real estate agent later. a mocking symbol of having to leave this apartment. leave this life. leave jj.

emily can’t have the stupid phone on her anymore. she places it on the kitchen counter and promptly leaves the room, the laughing taunts of the “call” button becoming quieter as she slams her bedroom door and promptly falls asleep.  

an hour later, jj trudges through the front door of the apartment, the emotional toll of the day catching up with her. tears stain her cheeks, but she has no more energy to continue to cry. her piece-of-shit boyfriend had been such a dick when she broke up with him earlier in the morning. his homophobic comments about her and emily ring through her ears, taking up immense space in her brain. jj is drained from arguing with him, her throat raw from screaming. any man she has to defend her (oddly homoerotic) friendship with emily from is no man for her. she wishes she’d realized that sooner, because now she feels she might have lost emily forever.

jj is fixing herself a glass of ice water cold enough to hurt her sensitive teeth when emily’s phone starts buzzing on the counter next to her. jj hadn’t even noticed it was there. “rachel,” the phone screen reads, and jj is struck with a lightning bolt of envy. who is rachel? her eyes train intently on the phone until it stops ringing and a voicemail notification pops up.  in a rash, out-of-character motion, she clicks the green “listen” button and lets the voice mail play aloud.

“hey emily,” rachel’s crackly voice starts through the speaker. jj is biting her nails. “i know you said you’d call me after you sorted things out, but demand for the apartment has gone up and it’s probably going to be gone within the next few hours.” there’s a pause.

an apartment?, jj thinks. a new apartment?

“anyways, i enjoyed hanging out with you today and showing you around the place…” rachel trails off, then her voice returns. “so i just wanted to let you know that you’ll most likely need to sign within the next hour if you want it. alright, emily. goodbye.”  

without regard for emily’s naptime or for the consequences of literally snooping through emily’s phone, jj barges into emily’s room. though she thought she could no longer cry, tears well up in her eyes. “emily,” she says loudly.

“what the fuck, jj,” emily says, jolting awake and sitting up.

“you’re moving? with rachel?”  logically, jj had pieced together the fact that rachel is just the real estate agent, but she’s searching for things to be mad about, desperate to get a reaction out of emily.

emily lets out a short laugh at the ridiculousness of the confrontation. “can you calm down? we can talk about it, but not if you’re literally shaking with anger.”

jj looks down at her hands. sure enough, they’re shaking. that’s enough of a reality check as she needs. she sits on the edge of emily’s bed, and her fury morphs into sadness.

after a long pause, jj speaks. “we’ve never not lived together,” she says softly, looking down at the floor. her socked feet swing.

“i signed a lease to live with you,” emily says. “but you freaked out on me and brought a shitty ass boyfriend home, and i don’t want to live with him.”

jj is quiet. the cats on her socks appear to be dancing when she wiggles her toes. “we broke up this morning.”

“yeah?” emily says softly, keeping her eyes locked on jj, who still won’t look up. “i’m sorry.”

jj shrugs. “i broke up with him. it’s...it’s okay.”

emily puts her hand on jj’s arm. “look at me, jj.”

jj shakes her head in response.

“why not?” emily asks, tilting her head.

after a deep breath, jj looks up at emily, finally, eyes ringed in red. “i’m scared,” she whispers, voice cracking.

one good thing about being so close with jj is that emily never has to ask for clarification on anything. emily can read jj like a children’s book, from the way she takes her breaths to the way she forms her words. she knows that jj’s lip quirks up when she’s trying to be coy, and her eyebrows furrow when she’s annoyed. she knows that her shoulders hunch over when she’s relaxed, and her posture is straight and rigid when she’s anxious. with all of that, there’s no need to ask why jj is scared. emily knows.

emily places her hand against jj’s cheek, rubbing softly with her thumb. for a second, emily is transported back to the morning so long ago, when it was just her and jj and spilt coconut rum; the morning where jj was a divine being and emily was a mere mortal. in this moment, they’re equals. emily likes this better.

jj’s the one to initiate this kiss this time, a small detail that makes flowers bloom in emily’s chest. their lips lock slowly, hesitantly. jj peeks one eye open at emily, just to see her, and smiles into the kiss. jj deepens the kiss, and emily snakes her hands into her hair. she tugs gently, and jj lets out a tiny whimper.

emily pulls away with a wide smile, letting her hands rest at the base of jj’s skull. “move in with me.”

jj shakes her head, chuckling. “you know how much money it will cost for both of us to break our lease? no, thank you.”

emily pouts, and presses another soft kiss to jj’s lips. “this apartment is so cute though, jj.” she pauses, letting her eyes scan jj’s features. there’s no way she’s leaving her. “i’ll pay to break the lease and i’ll pay your half of the rent for a month if you come.”

“you can’t afford that!” jj says, correctly, and turns to press kisses against emily’s jawbone.

“i would rather be broke and with you than rich and without you,” emily replies. she’s running her fingers through jj’s hair, a motion she’s practiced many times before. this time is different. more tender.

-----

jennifer jareau is in love. that’s her first thought when she wakes up in a bed that’s still slightly unfamiliar. jennifer jareau is so, astronomically in love. that’s her second thought. that one comes when she turns to the source of the tiny snores beside her and is met with the very gentle and very naked frame of her best friend. jj kisses emily’s shoulder softly and sinks deeper into their new bed. the low ceilings of their new studio apartment envelop her like a warm hug.

[fightoh]

since i really trust your taste in everything, can you pls recommend me a few kdramas? not too many cliché stuff happening but i need a happy ending 💗

You dooooo?! Ineeeee ❤️

So, a few.

I'm going to recommend all my favs. I only watch "happy" ones because I search for escapism, I don't like sad sad dramas. And happy endings are a must.

Slice of life:

- Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok Ju: Adorable, mature and so funny.

- Because this is my first life: Modern and feminist.

- Radio Romance: Cute and cute.

- Hospital Playlist: I cry with every episode because of how beautiful it is. And it's so damn funny.

- Racket Boys: These kids are the best. I also cry with every episode because there is still hope for humans.

- Still 17: Adorable! A bit sad, but mostly adorable.

- Search WWW: Girls girls girls. Feminist, romantic and modern.

Action:

- Strong Woman Do Bong Soon: I guess is action? Fun, boy super in love and a love triangle that made sense.

- Vincenzo: Super over the top, but let me tell you something. My ADHD disappeared when I was watching it. So engaging. Also, antihero who is not interested on becoming a good person (He already is one, he just kills people).

- Lawless Lawyer: Very sexy, very funny.

- Suspicious Partner: Very real, funny and hot.

Fantasy:

- So I married the anti fan: Yes, fantasy. I was very surprised with this one. Very mature, couple communicates and main actor is ADORABLE.

- My roommate is a gumiho: Good main couple, AMAZING main character. Fox boy!

- While you were sleeping: One of the best.

- Hwayugi: Fun, ghosts, and an ending that I actually liked.

- Doom at your service: Writing is not the best, but the story is so engaging. Doom boy!

- Are you human too?: I will do anything for that robot.

- Extraordinary you: Amazing, brilliant, one of a kind.

I will also like to add:

- Rookie Historian Goo Hae Ryung: Feminist, trophy boyfriend that writes you poems, brings you food and it's just cute.

- Just Between Lovers: This is probably the only angsty drama I watched, because it is that good.

- Color rush: The gays.

This are the ones that come to my mind now.

You can always DM me for more details.

Love you Ine!

[relaxedreptile]

Are You Bored Yet?

Pairing: Jeongin X Reader

Angst. Suggestive Material.

A/N: This piece is very personal to me as I can relate to Jeongin and the reader’s predicament all too well. I used the song “Are You Bored Yet?” by Wallows to channel my feelings into this piece.

A bit hopeful, a bit desperate, and very angsty.

Thank you.

P.S. - You should listen to the song if you haven’t already!

-

Everyone was rooting for you and Jeongin.

You had gone to the same school since your elementary years which allowed for years and years of buildup to the relationship you found yourselves in your freshman year of high school. Sitting next to the same person everyday for an hour really does something to you and sometimes, it ends up making you confess to the boy who had become one of your best friends with a too-long text that still makes you cringe to this day.

The rest is history: first dates, first time holding hands, first kisses, first time meeting each other’s parents.

First relationships.

It went smoothly at first; Jeongin was constantly buying you drinks from the school vending machine to surprise you at lunch (causing Felix to awww and Seungmin to gag) and you thanked him with cheek kisses and personal Spotify playlists of songs that made you think of him.

The two of you were becoming quite well-known at your high school; some of the teachers even heard about you two judging by the suspiciously sweet seating charts.

After almost two years of dating you can’t even walk through your city without looking at a bench, a cafe, or a park that you and your boyfriend had spent hours at: giggling, talking, kissing when you thought no one was looking. 

And that was exactly the problem.

You and Jeongin were running out of things to do. 

There were no new experiences to be shared, no more boxes on the list to check off. The drinks Jeongin bought for you were starting to leave a bitter taste in your mouth, the songs you sent started to get repetitive. 

You no longer had stories to tell each other, every noteworthy moment had been shared while anything dated before your relationship had already been recalled.

Gifts for anniversaries, birthdays, and Christmas were becoming awfully plain and thoughtless; Jeongin needed both hands to count how many perfume bottles sitting on his vanity were from you. 

When Jeongin finally got his driver’s license you hoped this would begin a new, more lively chapter of your relationship. I mean, the possibilities were endless! You could go anywhere you pleased at any hour of the night without worrying about coordinating rides or getting back to your parents in time.

Instead, it birthed awkward silences that neither Jeongin’s older brother nor your dad were there to fill. 

You had never felt so lonely in another person’s presence before.

The two of you tried, you really did! Jeongin could still make you blush with a compliment and the sweet sound of your laugh from one of his silly jokes was enough to get him to flash his signature smile that almost made you forget about the stagnancy of your relationship. 

His touch still sent sparks down your spine; every press of his lips against yours or your hips against his kept the flame going, an infinite ember that never seemed to grow back into the blaze it once was.

The butterflies had escaped from your acidic stomach, leaving an emptiness that acted as a black hole, sucking in the feelings of excitement you once felt as soon as they reached you.

“What’s wrong?”

You turned your head, moving your gaze away from the car window and coaxing it over to your boyfriend, his eyes staying on the road.

You knew what you wanted to say, but not how to do it. How does one tell their boyfriend, their best friend, their first love that they were bored? Bored of going to Starbucks after school, bored of watching movies in their basement, bored of the good morning texts that were becoming increasingly familiar every time they read a “new” one.

“I’m just tired,” you lied, hoping to buy yourself some time to think of a better excuse.

“Tired of me?” 

Your heart broke at the sound of your boyfriend’s voice, it was obvious that he had to force out the question. 

“Never. Of course not.”

“Tired of us, then?”

Jeongin’s knuckles were white as if he was clutching the steering wheel for dear life. His jaw was set, his eyes glossy.

His head stayed straight but you could tell that he was glancing at you out from the corner of his eyes. His gaze was pleading, Jeongin was begging you to tell the truth so that the two of you could be free—free of the lies, free of each other.

You should’ve known that Jeongin would be able to tell how you felt. Sure, he probably felt the same way, but this boy had known you for years and spent a good portion of his life glued to your side. He knew you; he understood you. That’s why it was so hard to separate yourself from him, you suppose. 

Who would want to give a connection like that up?

“I could never get sick of you, Innie,” you reached over to touch Jeongin’s shoulder, feeling him physically relax from your touch. “However, I am a little sick of going to the diner for dessert every night.”

It was a start, a slice of the truth. Maybe this slice would hold you guys over long enough to work up the nerve to open up all the way, maybe you could still make it out of this together.

The corner of Jeongin’s mouth quirked upwards. It wasn’t his signature smile, but it was a start.

“Why don’t we go back to my house? We can… we can watch the sunset from the roof.”

It certainly wasn’t anything new, but it sounded promising so you agreed.

The two of you spent longer on his roof than the stripes of orange and pink stayed in the sky, unable to think of anything else to suggest you two do.

You glanced down at you and your boyfriend’s intertwined hands and watched his thumb swipe across your skin.

You smiled before bringing your eyes back to the starry sky above you.

The constellations never changed and yet, you never seemed to tire of looking at them.

[septembersghost]

i'm having my daily swiftie!dean breakdown and today's topic is "this magnetic force of a man" from lover! everyone adores dean. the gravity of his heart is just too strong.

I have two other swiftie!dean messages in here from a few days ago, and I’ve been holding onto them hoping to be less exhausted to answer them properly (I still WILL!), but I need you to know I love them SO much and they make me happy. 🥰

and anon! Lover is one that I adore (it’s such a beautiful love song), and I had not managed to make about him yet, but you are RIGHT. the way he draws everyone in, the all-encompassing magnetism of his heart, his enthralling gravitational pull (which is also Gorgeous - you should think about the consequence of your magnetic field being a little too strong!).

there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you dear - all his multitudes that are never able to be captured at once, that make him divine in his humanity.

have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years? - me when he first appeared on screen the way he connects with others intuitively.

I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you - this is just the predecessor to gold rush, everybody wonders what it would be like to love you.

and then as you said - this magnetic force of a man - that’s just undeniable Dean, be it striding into the light or driving into the shadows, always drawing pieces of the world and people in need to him, that ineffable energy he exudes.

I think I shall share with you that I had a collapse yesterday over Dean and Out of the Woods (blame this on me being in the purgatory arc!), and how he could connect it to his entire life and many people he has loved in many different ways (plus, the bridge! remember when you hit the brakes too soon, twenty stitches in a hospital room, when you stared crying, baby, I did too. help.

the real gut-punch comes for Dean at, the monsters turned out to be just trees, because wouldn’t that be the most desperate hope in the world, that that’s all the monsters are? but he knows that’s not true. he’s been in the woods too many times. are we in the clear yet? if only.) this is an angsty take to your sweet and wonderful one, but this thought was haunting me all day yesterday. (I did not play OOTW on repeat a few times. ...yes I did.)

as for Lover - I’m claiming all’s well that ends well to end up with you for us too, because look at how often he is ending up right alongside us. 💕💕💕

the moral of this story is - and I said this to a friend the other day - almost every song is about Dean. somehow. if you listen to it in that mood, he’s going to come walking through the door of the lyrics, and we simply have to accept this fact. (not only Taylor songs, either. our boy is in music everywhere, across genres, eras, artists. let me tell you how I’ve been having music in my playlist x Dean feelings breakdowns regularly!) and you know what? keep finding him there. it’s such a beautiful representation of him. it’s what he deserves.

[hollands-poppet]

Don’t Make Me Choose// Chapter 7

Mob!Tom Holland and Mob!Harrison Osterfield AU series

A/N: Hi guys! I’m usually not this dark and Tumblr is usually my escape from everything but I have to say what I believe and stand for. Black Lives Matter, and if you’re with the ‘alllivesmatter’ shit then you can just go ahead and unfollow. I will always stand up for what I think is right, I will be reblogging a bunch of resources and anything to do with the cause. But hopefully this story can also be an escape for you, even if its just for a couple of minutes. -Amy 💛💛💛

Word Count: 6.4K 💛

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 

playlist

Warnings: angsty, alcohol abuse, cussing, Italics is flashback, I didn’t proofread this at all 

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It was around 5:40 a.m. when the twitters of a hummingbird at the window woke Y/N from her sleep. She rubs her eyes to help soften the blur from her sleep, the peaking light coming from the window softly highlighting her facial features. She turns to her side and keeps her focus on the bird that continues to tweet at her window. All she could think was how beautiful the bird was, and why it had chosen to come to her window.

That’s when Tom’s arm comes around Y/N’s waist and he pulls her in, his head resting on the top of her shoulder. “Darling,” he kisses her shoulder. “Why are you awake so early?” She brings her cheek to his, “I can’t sleep.”

“Mm…” Tom lets out as he dozes off.

“Tom?” She questions as she holds onto his arm tightly, he keeps his eyes closed as he responds to his wife, “Hm?”

“Do you promise that you’ll never leave me no matter what happens?”

It didn’t even take more than a heartbeat for Tom to wake up from his sleep, he turns her over ever so gently, “Hey, hey… what’s going on?”

Y/N faces the ceiling, she was legitimately nervous that Tom was going to be upset that she was pregnant, “It’s just I had a nightmare and I broke one of your antique vases-”

She was lying, she couldn’t tell him the truth even yet.

He lets out a quiet laugh, “Love, I will never leave you over anything dumb like that- especially over something easily replaceable.”

She wipes a few tears that escape her eyes, “I know, it’s just… it felt so real. I just don’t ever want to lose you.”

He sighs and kisses her forehead, “I will always love you, Y/N. Remember that, I will never leave you. I promise you.” He snuggles into her and holds her tightly, and even though what he spoke was the truth this was something that he couldn’t really promise her. This lifestyle was too dangerous to promise anything and she knew that too. He felt terrible for making a promise that he couldn’t keep.

She rests her chin on his messy chocolate curls, she really took in this moment because it was going to be one of the last moments they had before Tom found out about the baby. This was the new home she had come to know and love and she knew what she had gotten herself into. She was going to do whatever it took to convince her husband to leave the lifestyle.

It only took Tom about 10 minutes to completely doze off and Y/N couldn’t go back to bed. She got up very slowly, removing Tom’s grip gently as she could so that she wouldn’t wake him up. She grabbed her robe from the floor as her feet hit the ground. She tiptoed as she covered her body and made her way to her bedroom balcony, slowly opening the sliding windows. The hummingbird chills around the ledge, almost as if it was leading her that way.

She had wanted some fresh air before she got changed to leave for the rest of the day, and just watched the hummingbird as it hovered right in front of her.

“You’re a cute little guy, aren’t ya?” She giggles as the hummingbird leaves her sight and makes its way down lower to the backyard. She continues to watch it fly around as she gets lost in her thoughts, she knew she was going to be busy for the rest of the day because of the ball.

And in all honesty, it was going to get cancelled because of the threat Y/N had received from this so-called Ceez. The only reason why this was continuing was because a virus outbreak was taking over the world, and this ball might be one of the last times a gathering at this proximity was going to be allowed for a while. It was a big goodbye to a lot of what was formally going to be known as normal. Tom decided that security was going to be amped up to filth, no one that wasn’t on the list was going to be allowed in.

As she stands on her balcony watching the hummingbird fly around, she notices Harrison’s guesthouse door open. She picks up her robe from her shoulders and watches closely as he exits his front door and just stands there. He doesn’t notice Y/N on her balcony but is noticing the sky change from purple to a blood orange. It was a pretty morning, and the two of them were taking in the beautiful morning from separate sides of the house.

Just as she is about to go back inside, she notices Bella come up behind the blonde and hug him. Y/N can’t help but smile, they were sweet. They both looked truly happy, and Y/N thought maybe tonight her and Harrison could at least be cordial. Maybe there was a way all of them could live without tension and forget about the past. Harrison and Bella share a kiss beneath the color changing sky, and Y/N decides to walk away. She gave them their privacy, and now was the time to start getting ready for the day.

She made her way into her closet and dressed herself in a matching black two piece outfit, and some slides. She was going to be decorating and directing everyone for the first part of the day so she wanted to be comfy. Her glam squad was going to be at the location in one of the rooms that was rented along with the ballroom space. She puts her hair into a messy bun as she walks into the bedroom, she grabs her keys and bag but before she reaches the door she hears her name.

“Y/N?” Tom says as he sits up with only one eye open.

She makes her way to the bed where her husband lies, “Morning love, I have to get set up for later.. I didn’t want to wake you up again.”

He gives her a tired smile, “You’re good, Y/N. I just wanted to tell you that I’ll meet you at the ball as soon as you reach the bottom of the stairs.”

She smiles, “I’ll see you there.” Even though she wanted to give him one kiss, she simply gave him a quick peck on the cheek to build anticipation between them.

As she walks away, he calls her name once more. “Y/N?”

She stops at the door and looks over her shoulder, “Yeah?”

“I just wanted to get another look at you.” Tom knew A Star is Born was one of her favorite movies so he knew she would love this cheesy shit.

“Shut up, I’ll see you later.” She lets out a giggle as she leaves her husband, she probably wasn’t going to see him til later that night. She makes her way down the stairs, and as soon as she reaches the end she sees Bella walk in from the backyard.

“Hey girlie.” Y/N remarks as soon as she sees her. Her friend laughs suspiciously, “Yikes, this looks really bad doesn’t it?”

The two girls laugh, and an awkward silence carries a bit between the two.

Y/N breaks the silence, “ Honestly, I understand. Harrison is a great guy… you two deserve each other. You really do.” Bella smiles and actually feels thrilled that her friend is happy for her, and without a doubt in her mind she hugs Y/N. And without hesitation, Y/N hugs her back.

“Well,” Bella pulls away from the hug. “Did you want some company today?”

Y/N nods as she digs through her purse for her keys, “Are you sure? I’m gonna be gone all day which means no Haz for awhile.”

Her brunette friend laughs, “I can live with that, I’ll just have my things dropped off at the location later.”

Y/N smiles, “Cool, we’ll get some pink drinks on the way there.” The two friends leave, and look forward to a night they both won’t forget.

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Even though Tom basically had the day off, he decided that he was going to finish up some of his paperwork. He had finally taken a break after hours of work to get ready for the ball and he had picked out his best burgundy suit to correlate with Y/N’s pink dress. He wished he had gotten to spend more time with her today but he knew that tonight was going to be special.

As he rolls lint off his suit, he hears a knock at the door, “Tom?”

The brunette turns around to see his best friend Harrison all cleaned up and dressed up really nice, this was only getting him hyped up even more. He made his way towards his best friend, “Haz, mate you look dashing!”

They both give each other a bro hug, “Thanks, man. I’m just happy this stupid day is finally here.” Haz remarks as he pulls away and fixes his collar.

Tom nods in agreement and crosses his arms, “I feel you there but we got to make the best of it especially with this virus taking over the world.”

Harrison bites his lip, “You’re right about that. The world is changing so quickly, who knows what will happen in the next few months.”

Tom sighs, “It’s a lot to take in but we’ll take it day by day.”

“Speaking of change, I wanted to show you something really quickly.” Haz remarks as he makes his way to his friend’s office door and shuts them. He turns around and reaches into his tuxedo pocket and pulls out a tiny blue box.

He holds in front of him and at first Tom doesn’t understand but then it clicks in his head that it wasn’t too long ago his friend said he wanted to propose to Bella.

“You should reach out to Bella, I’m sure she would love to be your date to the ball.”

Haz shakes his head, “There is no way she would even answer her phone after what I did to her. I was an asshole.”

“Mate, she understands… We explained everything to her. You should reach out to her when you start feeling a bit better.”

The blonde smiles, “Maybe so…” He looks at his broken yet healing body, I don’t know, I might just fuck around and propose to her.”

Tom lets out a breathy laugh, “Shut the fuck up, Harrison. You sure you’re still not drunk?”

Haz lets out a small laugh while trying not to make any sudden movements and trigger any pain, “I don’t know, man. I just need something to hold me down, you know?”

Tom laughs nervously, “Damn, man. I don’t know what to say.” He walks towards his friend slowly, “I didn’t think you were actually serious.”

Harrison lets out a heavy sigh, “You don’t have to say anything mate, just be happy for me… that would be enough.” He lets out a defeated smile and plays with the box in his hands, “At first, I really was joking but these past few days I’ve spent with Bella have been amazing. I can’t- I just decided that I wanted to start something new with her.”

Tom puts his hands on his friend’s shoulders, “Dude, I’m happy for you. I really am, this is amazing news. Let’s see the ring.”

The blonde opens the box and reveals a heart shaped ring, even Tom knew that Bella would love it and say yes in a heartbeat. “She’s gonna love it, mate! Just make sure Y/N and I are there to see it all.” Tom says as he makes his way back to his desk to collect his phone and gun from the desk.

As soon as Harrison heard Y/N’s name, he wanted to ask his best friend a serious question without revealing her pregnancy. He knew she wanted to surprise Tom so he was going to try to be as discreet as possible. “So…how's married life treating you?”

Being discreet was not in Harrison’s vocabulary.

Tom tucks his gun into his mid waist, “What are you trying to get at, Harrison?”

He looks at himself in the mirror in the office, “Well, I mean you did mention that you would possibly want me to take over the mob one day for you.”

The brunette turns from his desk to face his friend who is still checking himself out in the mirror, he was a little suspicious of Harrison but he still couldn’t get at why he was asking him these things.

“You know the more I think about it, I don’t think that would ever be possible… no one would ever let me live in peace and I couldn’t even think about raising a family in this life.” And that was the honest truth, he wanted what Y/N wanted but normal wasn’t ever going to be possible with him.

Harrison nods, he knew this was going to break Y/N. He faces his friend, “You know I would take a bullet for you man, if you ever wanted to raise a family… I would be here to run shit for you.”

Tom smiles, “Don’t worry, mate. We’ll have fun tonight, we can talk about more heavy stuff on a different day.” He knew Harrison had his best interest in mind, it was just very odd that they were talking about this right now but he wasn’t going to question his friend’s intentions.

“Did you mind if I ride with you Tom? I fucking forgot Bella is already with Y/N at the location.” Harrison asks as he readjusts his gun and pocket knife in their appropriate spots in his waist belt.

“Yeah, of course. Let’s go.” Tom says as he grabs his keys to lock his office doors.

The duo make their way across the mansion and to the limo that awaits them outside, Harrison didn’t know what to think. He knew that tonight should just be fun but he couldn’t help but feel like something was off tonight and he couldn’t pinpoint what felt off.

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“If you can please make sure that food starts going out at 7 p.m, and no exceptions...it’s either salmon, chicken or vegetables.” Y/N remarks as she finishes setting up the utensils at her table, she was becoming nervous as the night grew closer. The venue for the ball was just beautiful, it was all gold with an angelic painting on the ceiling, with stairs that had a circular balcony that connected some stairs.

The ballroom itself had a huge space for eating and a dance floor in the same room which Y/N loved because everything was connected. “Y/N! It’s time, you have to start getting ready!” Bella yells from the top of the stairs, “Hurry up!”

Y/N laughs as she gently fixes the spoon on her mother-in-law’s spot in the table, “Just a second..I’m coming!” She backs away and finally feels at peace with the way her table looks, “Okay, I’ll leave everything else to you guys. If you need me, please give me a call!” She says loud enough so that the workers around her can hear.

She makes her way through the tables to eventually reach the staircase, and as she makes her way to the top everything starts to feel as if everything is coming together perfectly.

As soon as she reaches Bella, her friend hands her a water “Y/N, you need to just chill now. You’ve been working hard all day.”

She nods and opens her water bottle, “I know, I know. I’m just a perfectionist.” She takes a sip and pulls out her phone to check the time and she had run a bit behind on time because it was already past 4. Guests were scheduled to start arriving at 6 p.m. and she hadn’t even started hair or makeup.

Y/N and Bella finally reach the room that was booked for hair and makeup, and are immediately greeted by their glam squad that did Y/N’s hair and makeup for her wedding.

“Wait, before I start let me give Tom a quick call-”

Bella snatches Y/N’s phone from her hand, “Nope! Take a seat, we’re already running behind, Tom will just have to see you when he gets here.” She tucks Y/N’s in her pocket, “ Relax and get ready. I’ll be in the restroom if you need me.”

Y/N rolls her eyes and laughs, “Fine, I guess you’re right.” Before she takes her seat, she gives her artist Sarah a quick hug and kiss. She has always trusted Sarah with her face and she knew she wouldn’t fail her tonight.

She rests her feet on the vanity while Sarah begins to rub some primer on her face. She planned to have her eyes closed for most of the makeup process, she was feeling a mixture of things. Y/N felt nervous because the ball was still happening on risk terms and conditions. She wanted to cancel the ball too but with the coronavirus uprising, she agreed with the continuation for one last hoorah.

She brings her hands to her stomach, she has yet to show a bump but she was excited for the new life that was growing inside of her. She was hoping that this new beginning would lead to a somewhat normal life with Tom, a possible life without the mob.

A sort of a gateway to a new start, it was wild to think she was carrying a piece of Tom inside of her. A little bit of nausea starts to peak but it’s also manageable enough for Y/N to hold down.

“Are you okay?” Sarah asks as she starts to apply her foundation.

“Y-yeah, just a bit tired from setting up all day today.” Y/N says as she opens her eyes to look at her artist in the mirror.

Sarah smiles at her through the mirror as she applies her foundation, “Don’t stress, it’s going to be a night to remember.”

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Tom and Harrison exit the limo at the entrance of the venue, their pinky rings shine bright as they strut past all the guests to the entrance. James stands at the head of security at the door, “Good evening, Mr. Holland.”

“Hello, James. Everything going well I presume?” Tom says as he stops at the door to look at the line.

Jame responds, “Yeah, everything is going just as planned. All these people are trying to get in but they don’t have invites but they all are trying hard to get in.”

“Remember, no invite- no entry. Keep me updated.” Tom remarks as he walks past James with Harrison following behind him.

The moment the doors are opened for Tom and Harrison, the immediate smell of gardenia hits the two men. And they look around the huge ballroom to see the hints of gold and gardenia flowers decorated everywhere, all Tom could think was that Y/N had completely out done herself.

“Tom!”

The brunette turns back around to see his family walking through the crowd, the first person to see is his mom Nikki because of her fiery red hair. “Mum, it’s good to see you.” He gives her two quick kisses on the cheek, “Father, how are you?” He gives father Dom a stern handshake.

“Tom, it looks amazing in here. The clients are going to be truly impressed.” Tom’s father had retired almost 10 years ago but he still knew the business in and out. He wished he hadn’t left but he knew his son was doing a good job of keeping up the family tradition.

“This is really all thanks to Y/N, she is the one who ran the whole event.” Tom says as he looks around to see how perfect everything really is. Before he can continue, he is interrupted by his little brother who gives him a huge hug.

“Padsterman! You’re almost as tall as me now.” He shags his little brother's hair as he turns back to his father.

Dom nods in approval, “I always knew you picked the right girl, son. Where is your wife?”

And almost as if it were a cue, Y/N appears at the top of the stairs scanning the ground for her husband.

Harrison is the first to notice her and gulps at the sigh of her, “There she is.” The small group looked up at her all at the same time, they were all in awe of her because she did look like a queen tonight.

“I’ll meet you all at the dinner table.” Tom says as he makes his way to the bottom of the stairs where he promised he’d meet her. Most of all the guests turned their heads as well, they all acknowledged their hostess and her beauty.

Y/N slides her hand down the arm rail as she goes down step by step, really taking this moment in. Her beautiful pink feathered dress really accented her skin, her hair and makeup was just perfect. She holds her dress up with her left hand so that she wouldn’t trip on her dress, and even then she still had a train.

As she reached closer to Tom, she felt like this moment was always meant to happen. She smiles as she gets closer to him, almost as if she can’t get there fast enough. He reaches out for her hand and she reaches out for his, their hands touching for the first time in hours.

Y/N leans in to kiss her husband and their lips fit exactly where they are supposed to be. Tom pulls away and whispers into her ear, “You’re a queen you know that right?”

She giggles into his neck, “Let me go say hi to your family really quick.”

Tom doesn’t let her go, “It’s okay, we’re going to sit with them. You can say hello after you dance with me.” She smiles at her husband and gives him a quick eskimo kiss, “Fine.”

As they walk to the dance floor, Harrison watches them go and had this been a couple of weeks ago he would have said that this hurt his heart but it didn’t. He only took this as a sign that he was finally moving on, and when he looked at the top of the steps there was the girl he was slowly falling in love with.

Bella looked stunning, her dress was beaded with sparkles and dazzled in every which direction she moved. The dress clinched so perfectly on her body, and the V-Cut design fit just snug against her. It’s not a secret that Harrison wasn’t blown away by her appearance.

He makes his way through the crowd of people and almost runs his way up the stairs. He meets her halfway, his hand connecting with hers on the rails.

“Hey.” He lets out as he tries to catch his breath.

She lets out a small cackle, “Hey.. the ball is down there by the way.”

Harrison looks back at the people that are going about there night and he looks back at her, “Listen, do you mind if we talk? Away from everyone?”

She looks at the man in front of her, he had changed so much from the first time she had met him and he had matured. He was sober, he was present and she would be lying if she said she didn’t want to be alone with him for a few minutes. “Sure, I can spare a few minutes for you.”

He lets out a laugh, “Good, it’ll be worth it.” Bella grabs his hand and leads him back upstairs and into the room that her and Y/N had gotten ready in.

Back downstairs Y/N and Tom are in each other’s arms slow dancing while Young and Beautiful is recreated by the band. Her right hand in his and her left one resting on his shoulder while his left hand rests on her waist. Their faces close as they dance, they sway together and take in the full moment.

A hired photographer passing takes a quick photo as they pass by, the two not even acknowledging. To be quite honest, it felt like it was just them two in the room.

“Can you believe this day is finally here?” She asks as bites her bottom lip, she really just wanted to be alone with her husband.

He holds her tightly as he can even though her dress is bigger than her, “I’m just happy that I can be here with you.”

Tom spins her and catches her with her back towards him, “You look so stunning. I just want you all to myself.” She holds onto her husband tightly, her arms wrapping over his as they sway.

“Thank you, Tom. I’m really happy that you’re happy.” And as Y/N finishes her sentence he spins her back around and they are face to face.

Their hands back in place where they’re supposed to be, “I’m more than happy, darling. I can’t wait to just be with you after this is all over.”

They sway a bit more in each other’s arms, and she honestly felt like this was heaven. This was a moment that she never wanted to end, it all became like a fairytale. “I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now,” She exclaims as she stares into his eyes.

They give each other another kiss, a long passionate one. He pulls away slowly, “I would make a baby with you right now if I could.”  And that’s when Y/N see’s the opportunity to bring up the baby to Tom, she can feel herself beginning to sweat from the most random places because she’s getting nervous.

And with no hesitation because she knew she would chicken out if she didn’t say anything now she wouldn’t mention it later, “Tom, what if that already happened?”

They continue to sway but he’s honestly taken out of the blissful trance they had both created, “What?” He didn’t sound upset or happy, it was just an honest response.

“I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.” Y/N admits as she says it for him again, they continue to sway but he has no words. They both look at each other while she waits for another response.

“Tom!” Dom yells out as he makes his way with one of his friends.

The couple both let each other go and look at his father who introduces his friend, “This is Jimmy! Him and I go way back! Why don’t you come and chat with us for a bit?”

Tom looks back at Y/N who looks a bit annoyed because their conversation was interrupted, “I’ll be back in a bit, darling.”

Y/N lets out a fake smile, “No worries, you know where to find me.. I’ll be catching up with your mom.”

The two looked at each other for a good while, this was a moment that they both didn’t know how to feel. He had a bunch of emotions that were rushing to his head but he couldn’t show them, at least not right now.

She walks away and meets her mother-in-law at their assigned seating, Y/N gives her kisses on the cheek. “How are you, Nikki?”

“I’m wonderful, love. Everything looks beautiful.” She says as she takes a sip of her wine, “Did you want me to pour you some? It’s honestly delicious.”

Y/N plays with her hands, “I can’t, I can’t have alcohol actually.”

It takes a second for her mother-in-law to understand what she is implying but it eventually clicks, “Oh, Y/N. Does Tom know?”

She sits down next to Nikki and holds her hands, “I just told him, he didn’t get a chance to tell me what he thought.” The two women look back at Tom who is socializing with his father and people he does business with.

“I don’t want to burst your bubble dear but I don’t think this is the right environment to have a baby in.” Nikki remarks as she holds her daughter-in-law’s hands tightly, “Tom’s experience as a child with a family in the mob wasn’t the most pleasant for him.”

Y/N sighs, “Harrison said that too…” She looks into Nikki’s eyes looking for direction in this certain situation, “I-I thought this would make him happy and maybe a gateway out of this lifestyle for him.”

The beautiful redhead nods her head, “I understand…and I’m sure that’s what Tom wants too. He has such a good heart but-”

Y/N was only looking for an answer with hope but she knew she was only getting the truth, “but he’s already mixed into the mob mess, even if he did leave.. all of his enemies will be after him.”

Nikki rubs her back, “Maybe Tom would raise this child differently than his dad raised him but he can’t control what this child will witness and would eventually have to take over for Tom at some point.”

Y/N keeps getting constant waves and nods from the guests so she is trying her best to keep it together, she smiles and waves back giving it all she can not to cry.

“Tom wanted to be a carpenter, you know?” His mother tells her as she rests her hand on Y/N’s shoulder.

She shoots up and grabs her pink dress from the front, “I’m just going to look for Bella really quick, I’ll be right back.” The truth was that she wasn’t and that was because she just needed a moment to herself. Maybe this life she was bringing into the world wasn’t going to be able to live a normal life but was only destined to run a mob.

Y/N turns around and covers her mouth almost to hold down the nonexistent vomit she felt coming up. Maybe Harrison was right, maybe this was all wrong and Tom wasn’t going to be happy about this. Or maybe he was but regardless she had to wait for an answer, there was going to be a lot to talk about no matter how her husband felt.

As she wipes a quick tear from her cheek she accidentally bumps into a guest, “Oh, my gosh. I’m so sorry.”

He smiles as he holds his drink, “No worries, you’re the hostess. How about a quick dance?”

She turns back around to see Tom chatting with his father and his friend, and before she could respond he inserts, “Come on, I’m an old friend of Tom’s. Just one dance.”

She turns back, she would admit that this man was quite charming and he had really nice hair. “Why not?” She says as she takes his hand, he sets down his drink and immediately spins her back to the dance floor.

Her hands feel uneasy in his, the coldness from all of his rings makes her chill down her spine. “I’m surprised your husband let you out of his sight.”

She laughs, “Hm, he’s just handling some business with his father.”

The two begin to sway, Y/N could only think that his dancing wasn’t as graceful as his looks. She felt really uncomfortable too, like something felt off about the man she was dancing with but she continued to dance with him because he was one of Tom’s alleged old friends.

The silence became a bit awkward as well, he stared at her so intensely and it seemed like he was trying to insert some sort of dominance on her. “You really are a piece of art, aren’t you?”

Y/N clears her throat, “So, how long have you known Tom? I’ve never met you before?” She gives him fake a smile.

He spins Y/N and brings her back quickly, “He keeps me hidden, as he should keep you.”

She frowns, “I’m not meant to be hidden but you sure have no problem expressing that.”

He gives her an obnoxious laugh, “Listen, if you were my wife..there would be no way that I would let you out of my sight.

He brings his hand from her waist to her neck, “It would be ashamed if anything happened to this pretty face.”

Y/N slaps his hand off of her neck, “Who the hell do you think you are?” She crosses her arms, she felt a little violated considering this man felt comfortable enough to touch her that way.

He laughs as he adjusts the wrist buttons on his suit, “Maybe you missed my message… Does Ceez sound familiar?”

Y/N didn’t even a second thought to look back for her husband but he was already lost in the crowd of people. As she turns back, he’s already flashing the gun that is tucked into his waist, “Yell and you’re dead.”

She swallows the big lump that was chilling in her throat, her eyes watering with fear.

“Keep dancing with me, please.” He remarks as he closes his blazer, “I still have a lot to say.” He holds out his hands for her to hold.

She takes it reluctantly, holding back tears so that she wouldn’t cause a scene. “What do you want from us?”

He spins her around and brings her back forcefully, “I want your husband to pay… for a lot of things actually.” He touches her neck again, bringing her in ear close to his mouth. “Starting with you.”

She tries to pull away, “Let go of me.”

Y/N is able to let go of his grip and actually is able to take about two steps until she’s pulled back in and he pokes something into her side, the only thing she can assume is his gun.

“I thought I told you not to make a scene.” He says into her ear, “You’re so naive, Tom isn’t going to be able to save you this time.”

-

-

Bella leads Harrison into the room where she and Y/N had gotten ready. He shuts the door behind him and she stands shyly by the bed, not really knowing why he wanted to talk privately but also excited to see him.

He makes his way to her slowly, “Bella, before anything else you look stunning.” He reaches for her hands and she places them in his, “You really do, Bella. I’m not just saying that.”

She looks down and she was blushing because she wasn’t used to him being so generous with his compliments, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t totally vibing Harrison right now.

“Thank you, Haz. You’re very sweet but I have to ask why you’re keeping me from the party?”

He clears his throat, his face is getting red because he is nervous. So he sat in the center of the bed that was in the room and brought her in between his legs.

“I know, we’ve been on and off these past couple of months and I know that I was always fucking everything up.” He gets a bit choked up, he was thinking about the dark place that he was not long ago but Bella was there for him from the start.

She puts her hand on his cheek, “You know I’ve forgiven you for all of that right?”

A few tears roll down his cheeks, “Yeah, I know but I know I hurt you and I never, ever meant to do that to you.”

Bella nods and lets out a sad smile because it was true. He did hurt her but for whatever reason, they always came back to each other. She looks down at him and without thinking about it she leans in to give him a kiss.

He kisses her back, his hands making their way up her thighs and to her waist. Haz makes his way back up, Bella’s heels not even tall enough for her to not tip toe on her feet. Her hands lie on his chest as their lips continue to brush against each other.

Haz pulls away, “I have to ask you something..”

She looks into his blue eyes, “What is it?”

He lets go of her waist and reaches into his pocket to reveal a tiny blue box. She covers her mouth almost immediately knowing what it is and he begins to get down on one knee.

“Tom is gonna kill me because he wanted to see me do this but he’ll live.” He remarks as he grabs Bella’s left hand, her right hand still covering her mouth.

“Bella, I don’t know where my life is gonna take me but I would love to ride it with you as long as I can. Will you marry me?”

She takes a second to answer, she wipes the couple of tears from her eyes and she takes another look at the ring being put right in front of her. “Are you sure?”

He takes a look at the ring, realizing that his life was taking him in a different direction than he could ever imagine and then he looks back at her.

“I have never been more sure if anything in my entire life.”

She smiles, letting out a giggle as she nods her head, “Then yes. A thousand times yes!”

He began to laugh nervously, she had said yes. Fuck, this was going better than he would have imagined.

Haz gets up from one knee and his hand is shaken the whole time he pulls the ring out of the box but he manages to slide the ring onto her finger.

Without question, their lips meet again and imaginary fireworks are spurring around them but within seconds of this happy moment their moment of happiness is interrupted by multiple, loud gunshots.

-

A/N: I hope you’re enjoying the story, pls pls let me know your thoughts, predictions, anything! The world is heavy, dark place right now but sometimes these stories can be a good escape. ily. -Amy💛

p.s not everyone that is on the taglist asked to be tagged but if you want me to remove you let me know!!

Taglist: @ladybirduris​ @thedaydreamingwriter​ @a-walk-in-silence​ @tomhaz​ @mischiefmanaged49​ @tomshufflepuff​ @smexylemony​ @musicgirl234​ @spidey-pal​ @greenarrowhead​ @superheros-and-others​ @captainbuckyy​ @kawaiigothfishpasta @hollandechart​ @thollandx​ @glader-witch-wolf​ @amren-rhyssecond​ @peteryesparker​ @hazhasmycoffee​ @the-queen-procrastinator​ @hollandroos​ @spiderboytotherescue @hotsterfield​ @thedaydreamingwriter

[clairenvk]

r + e fic rec

a collection of 40+ completed reddie fics i’ve read on ao3 and loved; ranging from soft to cute to funny to ridiculous to angsty. you may have read some of this, you may not have, but these are all worth your time. if you read any of these and enjoy them then remember to leave a kudos and a comment for the author to let them know that you liked it!

✨ - Fav 😎 - fun/funny 💕 - Soft 💜 - cute (cute cute!)  🌹 - emotional / atmospheric ⚠️ - angsty ⚔️ - nsfw

💕 up off the floor  - kaspbrak_kid

“In a world where we can kill a fucking clown from space, Eddie Kaspbrak doesn’t get to die from a stab wound."

15.3k words. 6 chapters.

Note - the Most soft. tender. taking care of each other and getting together. this author also has a wip that’s a lot more sad but with as much Yearning as this one so i’d recommend you check their stuff out.

💕 And All The Time He’s Mumbling - monarchyofroses

“It suits you.” Richie frowned. “Huh?” “Being in love,” Ben clarified. “It suits you.” Richie smiled, then, so hard that it made Ben wonder how his face had not splitted in two. “I’m in fucking limerence, man.” 

2.7k words. 1 chapter

Note - ben and richie have a Conversation about the loves of their lives basically. Truly Soft.

💕 What He’s Mumbling? - monarchyofroses

"But. But that's what you do for..." "...A friend," Maggie finished for him, or well, not exactly for him, considering he was about to come out. Richie to God, if you exist and this is your revenge for my atheism, it's not funny. Also, you suck.

3.5k words. 1 chapter.

Note - coming out! i love the toziers. part 2 of the same series the previous fic is from.

💕 💜 No Mistakes - usnavi

When Richie Tozier tells Eddie Kaspbrak he loves him, they're watching Jurassic Park and Eddie's wearing his clothes like it's all meant to be this way. 

1.4k words. 1 chapter.

✨ 💜 Richie Tozier: Come Out and Play - piginawig

Richie Tozier: Come Out & Play, a new Netflix special! Comedian Richie Tozier is back after a very public mental breakdown. And he's ready to (over)share.

5.7k words. 1 chapter.

Note - My personal favorite version of this trope.

😎 Richie Tozier, an Apple Music Listener - plinys

Apple Music ✓ @AppleMusic Thanks for the support @trashmouth! We love to see loyal #AppleMusic fans! Apple Music ✓ @AppleMusic Also, in unrelated news, the #AppleMusic recommended song of the day is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande.

1.2k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Post Chapter 2. I’m a sucker for fics involving social media. Also, this is funny and lighthearted and i love it.

😎 Retweet. - plinys

richie tozier ✓ @trashmouth what did i miss lol

3k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Post Chapter 2. 

😎 💜 ⚔️ Let’s Hear It For The Boy - sloppybitch

Eddie’s just trying to see if he’s not alone when he downloads Grindr on his phone. It’s by pure, terrifying coincidence that one of the first messages he receives on there is from none other than Richie freaking Tozier. Long story short: trashmouth;) (11:03PM): oh me, oh my. fancy seeing u here Eddie (11:33PM): holy FUCKING SHIT.

9.8k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 1 of an ongoing series.

😎 💜 ⚔️ Let’s Give The Boy a Hand - sloppybitch

After finding each other on Grindr and sharing a couple of saucy texts and a phone call that would make a nun faint, Richie and Eddie find each other in the clubhouse, and they... talk. Sure, they talk. Let’s call it talking. Beverly, meanwhile, discovers that none of the Losers have ever gotten drunk, and what’s being a teenager without breaking a few drinking laws? Ben has a free house, and Eddie has never been more afraid of a game of Truth or Dare in his entire fucking life.

24k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 2 of the series the previous fic is part of.

✨ 💜 Five Times The Losers Gave Richie Permission - toomuchrootbeer

The Losers keep trying to tell Richie something, but he's never been great at taking a hint. 

10.7k words. 1 chapter.

Note - anything that has all of the losers really present in their fics is the loml. some mentions of period typical racism and homophobia but no slurs, mainly mentioned for context of the time.

✨ 💜 Husband and Husband - thatsuperawkwardgirl

Richie gets the idea at the end of kindergarten, when the teacher has everyone do projects on their families. The class talks about how some families have moms and dads who are married, and some don’t. Richie being…well, Richie, he goes straight home and asks his parents why they got married if they didn’t have to. Richie learns about marriage and love, and comes up with an excellent plan.

7.8k words. 1 chapter.

Note - the sweetest, most adorable fic ever. couldn’t stop smiling. Part 1 of an ongoing series.

💜 A Good Husband - thatsuperawkwardgirl

Eddie sits in a chair in front of the principal’s desk, bouncing his leg anxiously--a habit he picked up from Richie, that annoying little twerp. Mrs. Smith is calling his mother for the third time in the last hour, and Eddie knows she won’t be picking up; Wednesday mornings are when she runs her errands and doesn’t return until late afternoon. This is the perfect time to get suspended, Eddie really has to pat himself on the back for that one. Eddie gets in trouble at school for fighting, and Maggie Tozier comes to pick him up.

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Part 2 of Married Life, the same series the previous fic is a part of. Truly so ridiculously cute it makes me want to scream.

😎 💜 light as a feather (got you and i together) - anniebibananie

RICHIE: why the fuck does eddie look so cute today RICHIE: his sweater sleeves keep falling down over his palms, like how could I see that and not think “I know exactly how to keep those sleeves up, just hold my hand” BEN: richie this is so sweet! BEN: but I feel like you didn’t mean to send this to me? RICHIE: This message will self-destruct in five seconds. [or Richie accidentally texts Ben about his feelings for Eddie and everyone gets involved]

1.6k words. 1 chapter.

Note - could not stop smiling the whole way through.

✨💜 the years go by like days - georgiestauffenberg

It’s Eddie he wants to get a hold of, though, and he does, tucking him under his arm, and ruffling his hair, making him laugh. He’s startled when Eddie looks at him with such happy, shining eyes. And, for a split-second, he’s tempted to kiss him right then, right there in front of everyone. He wants to. Badly. He doesn’t. He leans in, instead, and he smacks a loud, wet kiss to Eddie’s cheek, punctuating it with a “mwah!” He does it again and again. “I’m so proud of my little Eds Spagheds!” “Get off me!” Eddie says, laughing and shoving him away, swatting at his hands. AU. in the 27 years in-between, Richie and Eddie forget a lot, but they don't forget each other.

121.9k words. 4 chapters.

Note - make sure you have the time before starting this because i couldn’t stop once i started. god. really good.

💕 come on, come on - Chokingonholywater

“Yo, Eddie, play some music, will ya?” When Richie asks Eddie to put on some music in the car that day after school, Eddie doesn't think anything of it. It's a familiar request; he knows the passcode to Richie's phone, knows where Spotify is, knows what Richie likes to listen to while he drives. But what Eddie doesn't know is why, exactly, there's suddenly a playlist his name on it - literally.

8.6k words. 1 chapter.

Note - They’re in Love. and they have a playlist to prove it.

💕 sleepover - sleqnir

“You jealous?” Richie tilts his head. “Jennifer is kinda hot.” He’s referring to Ben’s girlfriend. Eddie’s face falls. “Oh. Um… no. I’m happy for him. I just…” “Want it too?” Richie’s jaw clenches. His chest aches in a way all too familiar. “A girlfriend? For yourself?” Eddie’s looking at him nervously. “I want… a relationship. I guess.” Richie looks back up at the ceiling, giving another millionth sigh. “Yeah, well… don’t sweat it so much. You’re not the only one.”“You want a girlfriend?” “I want a... relationship.” He mimics Eddie’s words.

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

🌹 ⚔️ the anatomy of a joke - crescenteluce

He trails off and Bev raises an eyebrow. ‘So, you being in bed together fits in there how exactly?’ ‘No, Jesus, Bev.’ Eddie says and Richie, horrifyingly, feels his cheeks heat under Bev’s suspicious look. Something needs to be done, so he plucks Eddie’s phone from his hands. ‘I am appalled by your implications, Beverly.’ He says sternly, trying to ignore the blood still not quite done rushing to his face. ‘I would have you know that I’d never defile Eddie like that, the poor man’s 40 year old and still a virgin and if I’d have the honor of-’ He’s cut off by Eddie trying to wrestle the phone away from him as Bev cackles delightedly.

11.7k words. 1 chapter.

💜 say what you mean (out loud) - Redburn

Richie can’t help it when something heavy refuses to leave his stomach, something relentless and daunting. He looks at Eddie and can’t help but want, can’t help but need, watching this boy watch the stars and thinking he would be happy to spend the rest of his life just like this, right here standing next to him. Or, Richie realizes he likes Eddie and promptly goes through the five stages of grief. 

7.4k words. 1 chapter.

Note - Good ol’ fluff with slight internalized homophobia and a whole lot of yearning.

💜 across the gap - sondersoflight

“You fucking stupid asshole,” Eddie says but he is smiling when he leans forward, grabbing Richie by the lapels of the ridiculous bright yellow shirt with dancing avocados he is wearing. “I’m the fucking love of your life.” 

6.4k words. 1 chapter.

💕 💜 Five Times Richie Kisses Eddie and One Time He Doesn’t Have To - multifandomtakeover

Eddie Kaspbrak is a little inexperienced in the kissing department and Richie Tozier is more than willing to help him out. 

5.7k words. 1 chapter.

✨ 🌹 💕 ⚠️ No Saints, No Sinners, No Devil As Well - saooharine

Andy Muschietti looked at Eddie Kaspbrak so now I feel obligated to repair the damage and make it gayer.

Following Richie from the sewer showdown and to the hospital with Eddie and the Losers Club by his side.

6.2k words. 1 chapter.

⚔️ In This Cold Heart - pineapplecrushface

The future Richie sees while he's caught in the deadlights gives him a chance to save Eddie. In the year afterward, they both try to follow Stan's advice. 

16.9k words. 1 chapter.

💕 💜 ⚠️ 🌹 Wouldn’t it be nice? - podcastalien

Richie wonders what exactly is supposed to be so great about being a kid as he tries to carve initials into the kissing bridge. 

2.5k words. 1 chapter.

⚔️ Men of Fall - kaboomslang

Do you remember? He watches his own hand slide closer along the armrest. Do memories transfer by touch, in this fucked up magic town? Remember, Richie, please, and tell me I wasn’t imagining things. 

7k words. 1 chapter.

💜 Any Man’s Game - tossertozier

It's two months before graduation, and Richie and Eddie can turn virtually anything into a competition. Even kissing.

10.5k words. 3 chapters.

💜 ⚠️ ⚔️ This safe place - tinyarmedtrex

Eddie asks Richie to pretend to be his boyfriend at his family reunion. What’s the worst that can happen? 

31k words. 14 chapters.

⚠️ ⚔️ Stay for the Storm - inoubliable

Richie and Eddie had become friends almost on sight. Since they met, most of Eddie's time in Los Angeles has involved Richie in some way. It's a little different, now that they're both famous. It's a little different, now that they're sleeping together. Well, to be fair, they've been sleeping together for a long time, but. No one knows, not even their friends. Eddie has been very careful about that. It's just not the sort of publicity he needs. So when Beverly calls him that sunny Thursday morning, the last thing he expects her to say is, "You're fucking Richie?"

20.8k words. 1 chapter.

💜 and this is who we are - sunsetozier

He realizes, suddenly, that being in a position like this meant nothing to him two weeks ago. At the time, it was completely normal, holding no real meaning other than comfort and tradition – after all, him and Eddie have been disgustingly cuddly with one another since they were kids, even though they’d usually bicker while holding each other close, much to the annoyance (and entertainment) of their friends. Now, however, Richie can feel his heart skip a beat in his chest, an undeniable thundering that echoes loudly in his ears. He can picture his younger self, as much of an oblivious idiot as he may have been, soaking in the warmth and the affection of Eddie’s touch when they hugged, shoved, or even just nudged one another. It’s funny, really, how much changes once you’re aware of how you feel. [In which Eddie and Beverly lie to their friends for five years before finally coming out, much to the surprise of one supposedly straight Richie Tozier.]

40.7k words. 8 chapters.

💜 hawaii hottie - sunsetozier

Letting his eyes flutter shut in order to avoid everyone’s gazes, Richie meekly explains, “I got another letter from Eds, okay? And I know he’s on vacation, doing all these cool things, and I know Hawaii is, like, super sunny and everything, but- guys. Guys.” He stops, unable to force out the words he wants to. From somewhere off to his left, he hears Bill say, “Spit it out, man. What’s the big deal?”“ There was a polaroid in this letter,” Richie tells them. He would be embarrassed, but by this point they all know how smitten he is, so there’s no reason to be bashful as he practically whines out, “And he’s getting hotter.” [In which Eddie goes on vacation and Richie can't deal with it.]

4.6k words. 1 chapter.

💜 He Came In Through the Window - mischiefmanager

"It’s finally happened. I cannot fit through this goddamn window. I’m out of ideas." or Eddie enlists the help of two other Losers to help fix his bedroom window, and finally spills the beans about what's going on between him and Richie.

11.3k words. 1 chapter

💜 Home - mischiefmanager

“Tooooozier-Kaspbrak residence,” Richie says cheerfully, holding the phone up to his ear. “May I ask who—oh hello, Mrs. K! How the fuck are you?” Richie and Eddie living together in LA, being in love and dealing with Mrs. K long-distance.

6.9k words. 1 chapter.

✨ ⚠️ hit me baby one more time - theappleppielifestyle

Richie reaches up a shaking hand and puts it on Eddie’s stomach. “Uhhh,” Eddie says. “Is this a bit? Is this a really inopportune bit? ‘Cause I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Richie, but this is kind of an important moment-” “What the fuck,” Richie says, not for the first or last time, and lurches forwards to hug him. (Or, Richie gets stuck in a time loop.)

11.1k words. 1 chapter.

💕 are we living for the feeling? - michelllejones

“You’re such an idiot,” Eddie tells Richie with a frown. He snorts at that. “Says you. Your knees are all bloody. You fall off your bike or something?” He asks, and for a split second Eddie thinks he can hear genuine concern in his voice. He’s probably just imagining it, though, since Richie’s only ever concerned about two things: his dick, and the size of it.“ So what if I did?” Eddie bites back, feeling almost defensive. Richie should be the last person teasing him about falling off of a bike. Especially since Eddie watched him trip over his own foot less than a week ago! or, Eddie takes a tumble and goes to Richie for help.

4.5k words. 1 chapter.

💕 what would they say? - michelllejones

And despite telling Eddie he would, he doesn’t go home—at least not at first. He isn't sure what wills him to do it, but his bike takes him in the other direction, past the Barrens and to the street, right to the Kissing Bridge in all its vandalized glory. Slurs and poorly carved hearts and names he doesn’t recognize stare back at him as he digs into his jeans and pulls out his dad’s old pocketknife.

4.1k words. 1 chapter.

💕 back in the summer - michelllejones

“What?” Eddie snaps, feels immediately defensive. “Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?” Self consciously, he buries his nose into his comic book. Glares at Richie over the brim, frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. He waits for Richie to take the bait, provide some half clever quip that will catapult them into some sort of argument, as is customary. But the taunt never comes. Instead, he reaches forward—with a look in his eyes that if Eddie didn’t know any better would let himself think is almost fond—takes a curl in between gentle fingers and says, “your hair’s longer,” in a tone so tender it is almost unrecognizable.

1.6k words. 1 chapter.

💕 ⚠️ savage - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is twelve years old. He's kissed for the first time. And then kissed again. -- "You're bisexual." Eddie has never said the word out loud before, and it feels a little taboo, but it also feels like a weight off his chest. "You like boys and girls. It isn't weird, and it isn't gross, and you aren't selfish because of it. You aren't dirty or disgusting. You're Richie Tozier, and you're my best friend. I'm Eddie Kaspbrak, and I'm an idiot. I get it."

3.7k words. 1 chapter

💕 💜 Morphine - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is fourteen years old. He's a lot more honest with himself when he's drugged. -- They all crowd around Eddie's bed, their faces shimmering a little. Eddie has to squint to make out their features, and he laughs once he does. They all look so worried. Eddie feels great. "Oh my God," Stan says, at the same time that Richie says, "He's high."

2k words. 1 chapter.

💕 We Were Here - inoubliable

Eddie Kaspbrak is fifteen years old. It's the first time he kisses Richie Tozier. -- Eddie has a couple of options, here. He can pretend he didn't just realize what Richie has been trying to tell him the whole time. He can pretend like Richie is just being a jerk when he flirts and teases and taunts. He can pretend like they're just friends, and then they can stay just friends, and nothing will change. Or he can kiss Richie. He kisses Richie.

2.3k words. 1 chapter.

💕 ⚔️ The Ever After - websters_lieb

Eddie lives, and life goes on. Or The story of how Richie and Eddie sort out their shit and realize that they've been in love the whole damn time while they work towards their happily ever afters.

20.8k words. 5 chapters.

⚠️ In the Glow of the Vending Machine - sentimentalscribe

“I can’t believe that I’m going to live an eternity in hellfire over a hypochondriac who would probably make sweet love to his inhaler given the chance.” Alternatively: Beverly Knows way before these chucklefucks do. Alternatively: It's the '80s in a small town and having a panicked confession to your best friend is not nearly as fun as it sounds.

3.5k words. 1 chapter.

💜 😎 eddie gets grindr - BookRockShooter

I shouldn’t be doing this, Eddie thinks as he opens his phone. Is this technically illegal? he thinks as he clicks the app store icon. Well, it’s definitely fucking wrong either way, he thinks as he types grindr into the search bar. - Eddie downloads grindr and rediscovers an old friend - and crush - on it.

2.1k words. 1 chapter.

⚠️ confessions in the dark - BookRockShooter

Richie nods to himself. “Okay. Talk. I can do that. Hey, you know a trope in movies I always hated? When, like, the main character’s love interest is fatally wounded and dy–” He trails off, staring at Eddie with a haunted look in his eyes. “Well. You know. And, uh, the main character chooses that exact moment to confess their undying love? Like, shit, they’ve always got the worst timing.” He laughs, short and shaky, and Eddie thinks, Oh my god. “So, what, they wait until the last moment to say something? Isn’t that fucked up? Because, now, they’ll never have time to… to be happy together.” His eyes are shiny and, suddenly, all Eddie wants to do is wipe away his tears. Wants to help him feel better, because Richie Tozier doesn’t deserve to be in so much pain, not on Eddie’s behalf. “Richie,” Eddie murmurs, and he hates himself for what he’s about to say. “Richie, I… I love you.” - *fix it fic for chapter 2 bc fuck canon reddie is real*

2.2k words. 1 chapter.

💜 😎 head lights pointed at the dawn - starkmccall

"You do realise this means people around the world are gonna hear about how much I love your dick, right?" Richie says, tucked behind Eddie in bed late one night.

He can almost see Eddie squint at him. "That's not actually a part of the show, is it?"

Post-Chapter Two. Eddie lives. Richie goes back to comedy.

3.2k words. 1 chapter.

[glowwormsmith]

I wanna know ALL the angst questions for Iris, my latest fascination, because I’m always a slut for Eden’s Gate ocs and her playlist is full of BOPS seriously you have excellent taste in music 👌💕

asdfds thank you!!💗 I’m glad you like the playlist for her, I worked hard on it. It’s half sad, soft girl who loves her flower girlfriend, half horror movie villain lol. I also really like talking about Iris, since she’s an unrepentant follower of Faith and Joseph and I can make a complex villain. Let’s get into the angst.

oc angst questions here for reference!

(cw for child abuse/domestic abuse/mental illness/sexual trauma mentions/self-harm/suicidal thoughts and idealization below the cut. Let me know if you need anything else tagged.) 

💙 If Iris were dying near Faith or Joseph, her final words would be nothing but gratitude and love for saving her, accepting her into their family and giving her purpose. With Faith, she would tell her she was the only person she ever loved and promises she’ll wait for her in the afterlife, even if she doesn’t truly believe in such deep down. If she is dying in the presence of her enemies, she will curse their names and go down like a bitch: taunting and spitting poison at them, defiant to the end. 

In my story, Iris survives the Collapse and the events of “New Dawn;” she’ll most likely die of natural causes down the road, which the Deputy and Iris’s other victims find unfair.

💧 The worst physical pain she was in was when her father brutalized and locked her up in the basement for three days when she was fourteen because she was hanging out with a girl after-school and they came across her giving the girl a kiss; she doesn’t remember much about her past that was rife with abuse, but this moment has stuck in her mind due to the fact that this was the first instance of severe abuse and when she became a prisoner within her own family.

The worst pain she was in mentally was when Faith died. She had mainly healed from her past thanks to being with Faith and the Project; even when the Project was under siege by the Resistance, it was fine because she had Faith. When she came across Faith’s body in the river, Iris had a complete mental shutdown, simply holding Faith’s body in her arms and sitting on the river bank, talking to her as if she were alive. Only Joseph was able to pull Iris away from Faith and Iris needed time alone/with Joseph to process her grief.

🔷 While Iris does not regret leaving her dysfunctional and abusive family, she notes that it was a great leap of faith that culminated in more abuse while on the road; the only reason she never tried to go back was because she could not bear to be locked up again under the grip of her cruel and sadistic father, uncaring and cold older sister, and an awful uncle, aunt and cousins who helped in the abuse.

She was abandoned by her birth mother when she was ten, who had been her only source of comfort. Her mother’s abandonment gave Iris both a feeling of low self-worth but also a desire to be as brave as that woman to leave her prison one day, even if it was into an unknown and uncaring world.

🔵 Her home life was never pleasant and it grew worse when her mother ran off when Iris was ten. She became a captive within her own family at fourteen and she developed severe depression, anxiety, severe anger problems, suicidal idealization, and even sadistic tendencies as a result. She was able to escape after killing her sister in a fit of rage, though it didn’t get better as Iris became homeless and was further exploited on the road.

It is all a blur to her and she prefers it that way, with only a few key memories standing out in her mind. She had to overcome a lot of sexual trauma to show physical affection for Joseph and Faith, and even then they are the only two she allows to touch her. She has an inherent distrust of law enforcement (her aunt was a detective that helped to keep any suspicious people away) and has developed a fear of men, dogs, sex-repulsed, sharp objects, confined spaces and loud voices. She also wonders, in her moments of self-reflection, if she would have been a better person without her dysfunctional family, or if she was always this cruel and vindictive.

❄️ She regrets having to turn to prostitution, thievery and even murder while she was homeless. While she knows it wasn’t her fault that her family treated her awfully, she feels shame and disgust over what she had to do on the road, to the point where she wonders if she should have just died instead of kept going. Faith and Joseph have to continuously remind her that no, she’s not “dirty” or “bad” for having to survive and that if she chose to die, then they would never have gotten the chance to know her. While it makes her feel better to hear this from the two people she loves, the negative intrusive thoughts refuse to go away, so she copes by projecting onto others, becoming a bully and tormentor herself.

💦 She tended to self-harm before Eden’s Gate and she still tends to do it at her lowest of lows or if no one’s around. She also has the urge to be a huge asshole to others, as a way to get her pent-up frustration and bitterness and negative emotions out. This unfortunate habit is supported by EG because, even though Joseph wants to save as many people as possible, he allows his followers to fight the Resistance and she takes the opportunity to be cruel to “sinners.” 

She has become somewhat reliant on the Bliss, since being in the Bliss makes all the bad thoughts go away.

🌊 Iris is a pretty mean-spirited and petty person, but she can hide it well to put up a sympathetic and sincere front. When she’s hit her low, she drops the facade and goes hard; pray you aren’t on the receiving end of her anger or if you’re dealing with her during an episode.

If she becomes triggered or has a panic attack, she’ll dissociate and find a quiet place out in the woods to curl up and wait to settle her mind. She’ll look to Joseph or Faith for comfort and reassurance she is fine, that they won’t leave her or let anyone harm her.

☄️ She does, though it has gotten better due to healing from Joseph and Faith. She only opens up to these two, though she has enough emotional intelligence (probably due to healing from them) to understand that they are the only two she can even genuinely love at this point.  She is complex: on first glance, you’d think she wasn’t affected by her past at all, but more time and learning about her history that her experience has shaped Iris into her current personality and behaviors, even if she suppresses much of her memory.  By the time of “New Dawn,” she has completely forgotten her past and only knows Eden’s Gate; the only trace memory of her past life is that “monsters made me a monster.”

🔹 She has scars on her arms and thighs from both self-harm and the abuse from her family. Her family were more careful not to leave evidence of the abuse, so most of the scars from them are mental. She hates looking at the scars because she sees them as her weakness and impurity, so she covers them up when she can.  Iris has gotten so good at burying her past that most of the Resistance or even regular EG members simply believe she is an asshole or monster, without realizing that her past has made her this way.

To quote Daenerys Targaryen, “If I look back, I am lost.” Iris refuses to dwell on the past, purely seeing them as monsters she had to face before she found her true family, her true father who loves and protects her, and her true love of her life.  By refusing to give thought to her birth family and life on the road, she both allows herself to bury the abuse and let the trauma and hurt manifest itself in her personality, relationships with others, and behavior.  It’s both good and bad, and just like the Seed family, she really needs proper counseling but will never truly get it so she copes in different, sometimes even unhealthy, ways.

📘 Theme: Meet-Cute (have an angsty drabble with a happy/hopeful ending lol)

I want to die.  I don’t want to, but I do. It hurts too much to keep going, but I’m too scared to end it.

It was funny how Iris realized the folly of her desire to both live and not live, how beautiful it would be to lie down in the field of white bell-shaped flowers, close her eyes and stop breathing, rotting back into the soil and letting her bones become home to the flowers and weeds and worms. 

Before she was taken out of school, her English class had read Hamlet and she had been idealizing Ophelia since, a beautiful death, and she had looked at any river she passed with a longing to enter it and not come out. But then she remembered her mother, the ghost of a woman whose only true strength came in her running away into the unknown, and any attempt to end her life was half-hearted and abandoned, with the next thought turning to how she would get her next meal, with only three dollars in her pocket.

It doesn’t matter now. Food, shelter, dying by my own hand. They’re found me. Iris had seen them when she wandered into that small town, putting up pictures of her at sixteen near a dive bar and speaking to the town’s preacher. She had frozen only briefly before he slunk back into the shadows of the forest line and kept wandering. They had been searching for her the whole time since she killed the Bitch and left the Cage; the Monsters that had the nerve to call her blood. She allowed a small, bitter chuckle that it took two years to cross her path; she always knew she was the smart one among them...And then a hysteric sob burst out as she fell to her knees, her tongue tasting iron as her lip broke. She would die easy by their hands; they probably wouldn’t even kill her as they dragged her back “home.”  The memories were coming back, no matter how she tried to push them down into the darkness: the Beast’s hands and voice and evil laughter, being dragged into the Dark Room again, feeling the pangs of hunger....Iris stopped her sobs, only letting the tears form but never cry.

No. She would not let herself be drawn back there. Not after escaping, not after putting herself through cruelty on the world just for the sake of freedom. Only she had the right to her body and mind and thoughts; no one, especially those Monsters, were going to take it away. Only she would be the decider of her fate.

Just as Iris was about to reach into her pocket to pull out the switchblade and steel herself to fight against her survival instinct, she heard singing. It was soft at first as Iris looked up and around the field of bell flowers.

“H-Hello?” she called out, voice hoarse. Perhaps I’m already dead. She then stood up and walked towards it, both curious and more of her survival instinct keeping her alive as long as possible.

The singing became clearer as Iris spotted a figure twirling in the field. It was a pretty sound, but there was no lyrics, just melodious humming and chiming.

The singing belonged to a beautiful young woman and Iris felt any unease at meeting a strange ease; she only had fear and mistrust of men, and this girl...was an angel. She was clad in a pure white dress, her dirty blonde hair hanging loosely to her shoulders and she was holding a flower as she danced without a care in the field. Even her bare feet looked untouched and mildly muddied, which only endeared Iris to this wood nymph.

She then took note of Iris, who was conscious of how dirty and plain she looked compared to the lovely girl’s pristine appearance, with matted red hair, grimy face, stench and tattered clothes she pulled from Goodwill and hardly replaced. Rather than look surprise or disgusted, the angelic girl smiled kindly.

“Hello, friend. Do you need help?”

“I...” Iris was unaccustomed to speaking to anyone in such a pleasant manner since her time on the road, let alone anyone asking her for help so kindly and without any secondary motivation. She blinked in confusion then looked behind her, afraid her family would suddenly appear with their horrid faces and harsh words to drag her away. She must have looked panicked when the girl’s brow furrowed in concern, though the sweet smile was still on her face.

Iris saw the girl open her hands towards her and she feared she would be touched so she drew back, but the girl kept her hands open, waiting for Iris to take them herself. Iris felt her hands fold together and began picking her skin with her nails, her eyes drawn towards the soft, clean hands. She had no right to touch them with her own dirty ones.

“I can take you to my home. We have warm food, showers and a place to rest. You seem to have been traveling for awhile. There’s no need to be afraid of me. My name is Faith; what’s your name?”

“...I-Iris. Umm...” God, she’s so pretty and kind. Like a real angel. Can someone like me be so lucky to be in her presence?

“That’s a beautiful name. Iris, would you like to come home with me?” Faith asked. “You’ll be safe there.”

Iris felt her mouth twist into a scowl. “Nowhere’s ever safe.” She cringed and thought that Faith would turn away from her now that she showed her ugliness, but Faith nodded and gave a quiet hum in agreement.

“I know all too well how unsafe this world and people can be. But there’s no where quite as safe as Eden’s Gate,” Faith said. “I know I’m a stranger to you, but all friends start as strangers, and if you come with me, you’ll finally feel the safest you’ll ever be.”

Iris looked to Faith and noticed her brown eyes, like a doe’s. All the barriers she put up with people melted away as she looked at the open, beautiful face, the soft lips curved in a smile. Iris gulped. Who knows how long the Monsters will be in this area for. “Alright. I’ll...I’ll take a leap of faith.”

Faith let out a chuckle at that, which sounded wonderful to Iris’s ears, and the girl took Faith’s hands into her own, was lead out of the field and into a new life.

[vulcan-highblood]

1 and 13 for Not According to Plan?

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

I've written first person POV Brainy a LOT in the past, but these days I'm trying to improve my third person limited POV so you can clearly hear the voice of the character even in a third person narrative. Hopefully Ive accomplished that in this fic, but that's really up to the readers to decide. As for chosing to go the "trauma" route, well, the whole fact that "AIs in the future are in peril to the extent that Querl can't even stay there" was very SUSPICIOUS to me and the first thing I thought was "oh damn they replaced a biological plague with a technical one, Colu is dead, probably" And once you've had the idea "Colu is dead, probably" rattling around in your brain for a few days, you just gotta write it down and see what shakes out. So here we are!

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

Sometimes I have specific sings that I listen to, and as I've been finding some fun songs lately, for this fic I actually took the time to throw together a new playlist! Technically I wouldn't say the playlist is especially relevant to the story so much as it's a result of me wanting a stockpile of angsty songs. I've got lots of typical emo (Linkin Park, MCR, Evanescence, etc) on it. But! There are a few songs/artists in there you might not expect. For songs more thematically appropriate to the fic, I'd go with:

Shinedown - Trade Yourself In, Styx - Man In The Wilderness, Memphis May Fire - Legacy, The Cranberries - Zombie

(Also! Bonus song that isn't relevant to the fic but I have been listening to on repeat these days: One Ok Rock - 20/20)

[smolboiseavey]

My McFRICKIN Masterlist!!

Last updated: 01/06/2020

**:smut :0

•:personal favorite

~~: popular uwu

Crossed out: not published yet ://

Corbyn~

I Think I Like You // Highschool AU~~: After going on a hike you accidentally confess your feelings for Corbyn, and soon find out that he has feelings for you too.

Daniel~

Hostage // captive AU•: Daniel is your captive and you decide to tell him a few things.

Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice // Werewolf AU: You and Daniel have been roommates for a month. Everything seems to be going great, until he starts acting suspicious and uncovers a big secret.

I Wanna Be Just Like You [continuation of Sugar, Spice and Everything Nice] // werewolf AU: Daniel and Y/N have been dating for a couple months now and he decides to take her back to his family's pack in Seattle. After learning more about Daniel and the werewolf culture, Y/N gets frustrated because she can't seem to fit in.

Stress**: You’re stressed because of school and in need of some relief, which Daniel gladly provides.

Daddy Issues: you pull a prank on Daniel just to have it backfire on you...in a good way ;)

Boyfriend Material // high school AU: a cute blurb featuring a pretty good pickup line and some cute Daniel James.

Lost in Your Eyes: another blurb featuring some fluff !! and another cheesy pickup line.

Jack~

An angsty fluff: Late night thoughts with Katie and Jack take a dark turn uwu

Jonah~

Royalty // guard/princess AU: As a princess, you’re expected to marry a noble. But what will happen when you start to fall for your guard, Jonah?

Zach~

Jealousy~~: you’re looking through Shawn Mendes’ Instagram and Zach gets a little jealous.

All five~

Untitled // highschool AU: the group decides to explore an abandoned hospital for Halloween. Their adventure takes a dark turn for the worse. 

Pocket! Why Don’t We // tiny! Why Don’t We AU: the why don’t we boys are tiny af and crawling straight into your heart uwu

Other people~

Cancer // Grayson Dolan x reader: small talks with Grayson lead to dark things.  

Blurbs

Playlists~

Songs for when you lose somebody you never really had in the first place~~

Songs for when your mom tricks you into going to work with her because you’re not allowed to stay home alone even though you’re pretty capable of taking care of yourself

Songs for when you’re in chemistry class burning stuff and your friend decides to ditch you

Songs for when it’s cold outside but you miss summer•

Songs for when it’s 4 am and you need to sleep but you’re too busy being angsty to do so (featuring commentary by yours truly)

Songs for when you fall madly in love with your high school crush (featuring commentary by yours truly)

Songs for when you realize you’re an extra in someone else’s story (featuring commentary uwu)

Moodboards~

Hostage

I Think I Like You

Official Taglist~

@gracenadinelimelight, @katie-avery​, @seaveyssparkle​, @kvd963, @dagmara-mae, @jennasgolden, @helloatomicshadow, @sfx-bands, @only-stan-mendes, @whydontwenorway @boredombesson @fratnielluer @seaveylicious @daliseavey1 @aquigley24 @thisgrlrocks03

Thank you guys SO MUCH for all the support on my works! I’ll be updating this as I write and create, so stay tuned! 

[blissfullylostinarabbithole]

Nat and Y/N’s Venomous Playlist: Track 9 - And Love Said No

Pairing: Natasha x Reader, minor Winter Soldier x Reader, mentions of Winter Soldier x Black Widow

Word Count: 1k

Summary: You’ve had enough, and an opportunity to do some good arises.

Warnings: Mild violence. Mentions of sex. Also, this one is a bit angsty.

A/N: Ok... I think I fixed it. I’ll probably cry if I hit another snag in this story haha!

<< Prev  .  Series Masterlist  .  Next >>

And Love Said No by HIM

Love’s violent tune From me to you

Rips your heart out and leaves you bleeding with a smile on your face

“Kill me” I begged, and love said no

Leave me for dead and let me go

“Kill me” I cried and love said no

You stood in the tiny apartment wondering why you fell for Natalia’s empty promises yet again. You couldn’t believe it when Wilburn handed you the letter that you stupidly believed would change your life. It was done, she had written. The safehouse was ready and she would be waiting for you to start your lives together.

You waited until after the next mission to take a ‘vacation’, only saying you’d probably head east for a couple of weeks. You arrived in Paris, entering an empty apartment with a letter waiting for you on the small kitchen table. Before you even opened the envelope, you knew it wasn’t good.

She’d met a pilot, it said. It all happened so fast, but they were in love and she was to marry him. You didn’t finish the rest of the letter, which you surmised was filled with more half assed apologies and excuses. As you locked the door behind you and headed back out into the city streets, you swore you were through with her. No matter what happened from then on, you would be rid of the hold she had on you. At the station, you booked a seat on the first train out.

You were still irritable when you returned to the Citadel, but the others assumed you were upset about your vacation being over. Sidewinder was nice enough to give you a couple of days to recover before assigning you a contract, but there was a catch; all Society members were to have a tracker implanted into the base of their skull. Apparently, some were taking suspiciously long completing their contracts, and it was decided a tracker would boost efficiency. A slight shift of pink hair caught your attention, and your eyes landed on Diamondback. She tried to look bored, but you could tell she was as upset as you were by the news.

Throwing yourself into your work, it didn’t give you much time to think about Natalia, and as time passed, it got easier to ignore the heartache. While on a mission with an archer, he told you a rumor he’d heard about his kid brother being sent to end her, and though you didn’t doubt she’d be fine, you still felt a pang of worry. When you heard she’d defected and joined him on the other side, you wondered if it was what she wanted, but didn’t spare it much thought.

You had just returned from a mission with Asp and Bushmaster, barely landing the Saucer when Sidewinder entered the hangar. He called for you to immediately head to the briefing room, telling the others to wait until Wilburn tells them to join him.

“What’s going on?” You hadn’t done anything wrong. On the contrary, the mission had gone as smooth as was expected.

“You have a new assignment. It’s urgent. I’ll save your share from your last contract for when you get back.” Normally he’d give you a folder with the contract’s details, but he was empty handed. “It’s about the Winter Soldier.”

“What happened?” you asked as casually as you could, expertly keeping the panic you felt from rising.

“He’s missing, and they want you to find him. Disappeared after his disastrous last mission. They think you’ll have a better chance of bringing him back.” He studied you, unsure if it was a good idea to send you after all the time you’d spent with the man, but his hands were tied. “I don’t have to tell you how important it is you come through, do I?”

You locked eyes with him. This man, your boss, saved you from the Red Room, only to have you live the same life. You were still nothing more than an attack dog, just with a different owner. You’d often thought about disappearing yourself, but you were high profile now, and didn’t think it was possible. But Natalia did it, and now the Soldier has, too.

“No, you don’t,” you assured. “Where was he last?”

He eyed you a moment longer, but appeared appeased by the steadiness of your tracker. “D.C.”

“Ok,” you nodded. “I’ll head out.”

You left the Citadel with as much as you could carry, having no idea how long you’d be gone. When you reached D.C., you learned of the destruction he caused, and a bit about his link to Captain America. He was the best spy you knew, and it wouldn’t be easy to find him. There were so many unknowns, but you weren’t going to let it affect your mission.

There was one thing you were certain of; you weren’t going to let them hurt him again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Steve! We need to head out right now.”

He immediately went into Captain mode. “What’s wrong?”

“Hydra, they’ve sent someone after Barnes.” Natasha shoved all the ammo she had into a duffel. She didn’t know if she was more frightened for him or you.

“Calm down,” Steve held her still. “Let me call Sam and see if he’s heard anything.”

She shook her head. “There’s no time. We have to find him before she does.”

“How? We’ve been looking and haven’t found anything.”

“No, but she has.”

That caught Steve’s attention. “What? How?”

“It’s not important.” She was growing impatient with Steve’s questions. “If she gets to him first, either Hydra gets him back, or they both end up dead.”

Steve nodded gravely, “Ok.”

“When we find her, two things: don’t engage her. All she needs is one small opening. Serum or not, it’s too risky. And don’t lose sight of her. I’m warning you now, she’s quick. She’ll disappear in a heartbeat.”

“What if we have to? What if it turns into a fight?”

Natasha shut her eyes and sighed at the thought. “Well, then we hope she carries enough anti-venom for the three of us.”

“Ant- nevermind. You can fill me in on the way. Where are we going?” Steve grabbed his own bag and followed Natasha out.

“South America.”

Permanent -  @melconnor2007 @ria132love @psychicwitchphilosopher @sireennotsiren @silence–in–the–library @thefridgeismybestie @hymnofthevalkyrie @abbybills22 @mvasquez492 @ek823@nicky10876@sophiealiice @madeof-ink @dugan365

Marvel/Avengers - @majd943 @coolblueintrovert @danijimenezv @prancingdestiel @galacticalstarcat@beautifulbows924 @pennywisethedancingclown13 

Venomous Playlist - @sxph-t