#the stupid things is me gaslighting myself into thinking im okay
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anytime my deities have a message for me i just ask straight if its a scolding just to prepare myself yk its that damn parents issues in me
#pagan#paganism#witchcraft#deity work#hellenic deities#hellenic pagan#hellenic polytheism#kemetism#kemetic#rodnovery#rodzimowiercza wiara#rodzimowierstwo#like 70% of the time its a scolding bcus im very stupid and i do stupid things#the stupid things is me gaslighting myself into thinking im okay#and sabotaging myself#sorry its the autistic scorpio in me bruh
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the weirdness and unconventionality of lawbepo are major charm points to me tbh!💕 i also really love how lawbepo elevates law’s character! it’s not that i didn’t like law before, but to be honest, i feel that a weakness of the character is that he is easily put into the “stoic badass with a tragic past and a secret heart of gold” stereotype. which is cool and fun, and it’s obviously a popular trope for a reason, but every anime/manga has this type of character tbh, and if nothing more is done with them, they can be kinda generic and one note. and it’s especially hard if the character is a side character, so it’s unlikely the creator will spend more time with them. unless it’s like for fanservice or something. so i like these types of characters but i don’t usually love them because of that.
that was how i used to feel about law, i liked him and thought his design was cool but that’s it. but everything is different now- like maybe it sounds insane to say, but considering “what if that bear is not just law’s vice captain, but also his first love from childhood? his babygirl? his ride-or-die wife?” has seriously like opened my third eye when it comes to law tbh lol, and i have you and your incredible art to thank for that! 🙏❤️🔥💕💯🔥✨
YOU PRETTY MUCH WENT THRU THE SAME JOURNEY AS MYSELF AND I LOVE THAT
yes so true all that....law by himself is only okay, yes hes sexy so ppl are crazy abt shipping him with whoever the fuck
but i really love when a sexy and intelligent character is WEIRD and its ignored by those around them cuz they are hot.
i like to bring him up cuz it was such a great discovery idk maybe someone will relate - i had that moment with akaashi haikyuu cuz i was like sure whatever, he is cute and bokuaka is FINE but when akaashis obsessive controlling calculative nature was revealed i had a real 💡!!! moment abt it and fell so hard for the character and the ship. like of you are pretty and WEIRD AF abt bokuto. gaslight gatekeepe girlboss. a dumbass' manipulative psycho boyfriend. perfect
and with Law honestly i cant commend japanese artists enough who saw Bepo day ONE and saw the potential of Law being very particular (pervert) about his bear - drawing dozens of comics of Law bleeding from the nose because Bepo is That cute. THEY REALLY HAD HIS NUMBER i meanwhile needed more convincing cuz im too canonfaggy to live off of Just the intro and the hug (all we had at the point where i got into op first) yes the hug was monumental and parially made up for the PH and DR lack of Bepo and having to tolerate the stupidity and insult of "law is gonna join SH/law is a honorary SH" no he wont, is not. die????
anyway yes it took me more fanservice to be like oh So we really ARE putting Law's softness for Bepo as one of the core characteristics? Not just a passing occasional thing like the hug was? Okay. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
weird is great weird is enriching and its fucking phenomenal that it's Just bepo. Not just cute things even tho he does love them - Bepo being a whole Person that gets Law's cuteness dokis in a bunch is soooooo sus and charming
idk how other Law fans see it but i dont think Law loving cuteness and fluff like the Onigiri moment - would be enough, its too circumstantial. But Bepo.... Bepo is always there, making Law better by being his spoiled rotten softie baby angel
sorry if my train of thought is all over the place. Thank you so much for the ask you the real one ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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DCRC PKNA Week 11--Silicon Time!
thankfully our little book club break has meant i've had enough time to rest, get into what is potentially a new hyperfix, and feel motivated to read paperinik! ...and um ducks on the road. at some point that's not now.
you know what. im feeling ultra relaxation for this issue let's go to the cove. nevermind i got distracted and entered the pizza parlor
angus fangus cosplay
starting off and first of all i have to say dear lord. the airport experience is indeed horrendous as someone who has been on an airplane recently the sign "clogged toilets delay flights" baffled me. like i understand why but im also like okay. the toilet is clogged. there are two toilets per plane surely the line woudlnt get that long
im gonna be real i thought big nosed human guy was gonna be exclusive to silicon. like i didnt think he would just. also show up here
the idea that angus fangus hasn't had a day off makes me wonder like. was the new zealand thing last issue technically a work trip despite the fact he was there to save his tribe. because if so that rules
it's nice getting to see scrooge again despite the fact he's probably gonna be written out of the story. i missed him
thought he was wiping his sweat with his money for a second here i'm goign to be so honest. and in the second panel he's sillouetted for no reason it amuses me. i mean i know why hes threatening to ruin donald and uno's situationship but he doesn't know he's doing that
i love you chilling in purple shirt donald
i love their little dumb mirco-bickers. they're so domestic
rip to whatever italian pun was lost in translation here. unless there was no pun and donald is just like ughhhhhhhhhh because he does not care
hi little drink serving robot... these things did exist in the 90s but they were very very basic and mostly for flash. which is why it would absolutely get on the news when the only other news is its hot. donald's pose and uno's response is also so cute im. who would have expected comic silicon would have Uno Content
ohohohohoho... oh no, how tragic! how tragic it would be if a certain robot enjoyer skipped to the next town over for this specific day--nevermind he's on vacation too he's at the supervillain convention in florida (SORRY)
cog these car panels are cool... i am once again praising paperinik action moments
rest in peace all the computers at duckburg technofinancial im glad they at least got a viking funeral
it feels so werid to see angus fangus in a tank top and shorts. he belongs in a trenchcoat. and i just
the way he gazes into the distance makes this panel feel so much more contemplative than it actually is i love it
i love how the evronians have a whole division that's job is just. to deal with xadhoom. who is presumably killing evronians off camera all the time
i hope its a story where its the computer in the tower that did it like we saw in the start but he's just messing around. he's just like hi uno!!! :) remember when ducklair made you i was there when you were born uno and he's like oh BROTHER this guy STINKS !
:// i know the computer literally said the evronians might be useful but like i saw computer wanting to use the spore hatchlings and i was so dissappointed. especially disappointed that he wants to shut uno down. i think. at least i assume its a computer hence the name silicon if it was silicon and it wasnt even a computer there was a guy in front of it i would be SO dissappointed but im pretty sure its the first ducklair sentient technology at this point
i have absolutely zero thoughts about this robot rhyno thing its just an important enough detail i have to bring it up. actualy i do have a thought and its look at him. he's so fucking stupid looking. neutral connotation ITS FUCKING DUE AGAIN? FUCK OFF DUE. i gaslighted myself into thinking we were gonna get a different computer but no. okay. alright
of all the villains to figure out donald's secret identity im so. two. of course. not that he's going to get it i dont know if they'd go that route but
im gonna be so real after his introduction issue i fulyl expected them to never use due again
this panel si so dramtic (i LOVE the rainbow windows) but out of context its just like TWO !!!! im so mad
i know its the 90s but i like how it was confirmed later in ducktales 2017 if due did launch donald like that it wouldn't have done anything as long as he thought about the triplets (or maybe uno in this case) hard enough. our bravest man on two worlds... (yes i know they're different donalds)
IM SO MAD donald just kinda handwaving away the duck avenger's inveolvement. they hate each other so much
im so mad the way he's just. at channel 00 news now. due and the evronians deserve to be fighting each other for a while i think
and that was silicon!! i enjoyed seeing more of uno but i was disappointed the computer turned out to be. due again. but maybe im just a little loser who always wants a new robot OOPS i miss lyla lay hopefulyl we see her next issue considering we're going back to channel 00. hoepfully she had a really good vacation while this was all giong on
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going through another phase of hating all my friends lord help me. my bestie bullied me into one too many horrible holidays (literally weekly he wants to go somewhere luxury that i cant afford and then will wake me on 4h sleep) and now i want nothing to do with him.
another of my friends told me that she dropped a friend of some stupid little thing and it has me questioning her.. meanwhile my work friendships may fizzle out after i quit, despite my best attempts. everyone in hospo is just too exhausted to live even a little bit.
furthermore still half in half out with this stupid transition which is making everything messy and awkward.. do i really need to explain they/them pronouns to my grandparents? probably. that or go He.
currently i am just doing a strange dance of socially detransitioning (recloseting? never did it properly in the first place?) and simultaneously continuing with medically transition. cant tell if im just gaslighting myself into thinking im okay with that or if i actually am content to be lying to everyone on all sides of me. somehow.
rip 2023.
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ptsd in romantic relationships 12/18/23
this is not fair to you and i apologize. there is nothing you have done to me as far as i've known. this weight coming onto you is not what you deserve. i should be sorry that i am the one you love*. you don't even know it! you have no clue and as much as i'd love for it to stay that way i don't know if i can keep hiding these panic attacks. but how am i meant to tell you. it's not a good thing and i'm meant to be good. i am as good as i can be because you picked me an made me yours. you gave me something i've been searching for for years and i have to nerve to feel any sort of way? it's been a very long time since i've been in therapy. i think that you can infer from some things. you aren't dumb, in fact you're a capricorn. with a cancer moon. god you are great.
i remember when we were in the car and you said you've never really had any sort of real emotional turmoil. you've never thought of suicide. never been abused to a degree that was severe. that is so nice. i was so grateful that you never had to experience something like that. you don't have any sort of weight on you. then immediately after i thought to myself. i have thought of it. there were days, weeks, months, years where it's all i thought of. more times than i'd like to admit that i've tried and for some reason unbeknownst to me all failed. all of them failed for me to come to you like a battered puppy inside.
you don't know what happened to me. how they hit me and what i was forced to take and how i was manipulated. i was meant to feel like i wasn't a person. that is what love is to me. i am scared everyday that you are going to do the same and that is not fair to you. you are nice to me. such a great partner. how could i ever think that way. i feel so horrible about myself when you say something stupid and i think about how you could be trying to manipulate me or trying to do something to me. when we got high over the phone and u joked about gaslighting i laughed it off but i almost went into a panicked frenzy.
i don't deserve you. i can't pretend like i am not who i am. you don't know me at heart and i don't even know if i can tell you. how is this gonna work. you don't get it and i don't want you to. no one has ever really loved me without repercussions to my psyche. i have scars on my body from everyone i've ever loved, whether self inflicted, inflicted by them, or mental. im so tired. i dont deserve you i should kill myself. you don't deserve a girlfriend like me. you deserve a girl that is okay mentally, no attempts under her belt, a normal girl. so you guys can love each other and you don't have to deal with this. i don't even want to deal with it. i don't want to tell you but i think after we break up i may do it. i got the love i've been longing for and i've been so tired of keeping going. you don't deserve a dead girlfriend. maybe i'll do it a few years after we break up so u don't think its your fault. if anything its the opposite. you're delaying the ineviatable by being such a good person.
i haven't been good at all. i'm a bad person. i can say that the world molded me this way but that is an excuse i chose not to take. there is something wrong with me in the soul after being thrown around the way i have. you don't deserve someone like me. if i had a gun i'd do it right now and leave you a long letter about how you were such a great boyfriend and how you helped me through what i'd never tell you about and all the things of that sort. i think that i was meant to perpetually be abused so that i can take all i can possibly take and then reach a breaking point where my method of choice actually goes through. i'm sorry that i am me.
gray text: ohh, guessing u don’t wanna talk about it
blue text: i don't want it to seem like i don't tell you why i feel some ways sometimes because of anything against you. there is just a good amount of things you don't know ab yet and eventually you'll know ab it all but i just get anxious that you won't look at me the same plus i don't wanna like burden u with this stuff i can deal w myself. i trust you a lot and rlly do appreciate you very much.
im so sorry that we met and you liked me.
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Gonna do a vent post, thank you if you choose to read, I respect if you choose to keep scrolling! 💖
Oh my god today is so hard. Even finding the words to describe is embarrassingly hard.
Kinda broke down to my boss this morning. I don't know if I had a full mental break but I got really close. I want to say she heard me but I also have this feeling that until I'm screaming and crying my mental health isn't taken seriously.
I'm tired of consistently starting my week having to finish someone else's job before I can even start mine, so many of the previous shifts assigned job duties have become mine (because obviously your fryer won't heat up if the vents aren't fuckimg turned on, among countless other things) and I have been telling my boss for going on a year now where this coworker needs to be talked to about improvement. This person is the type to improve in one area and drastically reduce in another. Why do they still have a job genuinely? Because my boss is more worried about finding someone to replace them than writing them up for their mistakes. Boss is "scared they'll quit" LIKE FUCKING GOOD. PLEASE. LET THEM GO.
Any time the morning shift coworker does something theyre "supposed to" it's like they find a way to do it wrong enough that it makes more work for me. What has me fucked up is this coworker ASKED ME TO TEACH THEM WHAT I WANT LEFT FOR ME WHEN I COME IN, I TAUGHT THIS COWORKER, AND THEY BLATANTLY DISREGARDED MY TEACHING UPON DOING IT THEMSELF. so why waste my fucking time? Disrespectful as fuck.
I genuinely have gotten past the point of rage to full blown dissociating. It's either that or I'm crying as I'm trying to do my job.
Could I tolerate this all if I at least got some kind of positive reinforcement from someone with a title or even a teammate? Possibly.
Am I aware I deserve better than this job has me feeling? Gods yes but we all know when you live in a small town and have been working somewhere for eons, it's not exactly easy to find another job at the same base pay youre currently at.
Idk. Boss told me they'll take it upon themself to make sure everything is done but that's not the point. That's a band aid fix and I told them that (im also almost certain we had the same discussion 6 months ago and here I am again) If I come in tomorrow and have to deal with the same shit I've been dealing with for the last year? I'm just going home. I have hundreds of hours of sick time, im going to start using them when I'm sick of the shit I'm dealing with. Ffs im not getting a prize or even a happy team of coworkers by burning myself like this. "If I don't do it-who will" headass stupid fucking expression I used to gaslight myself into thinking this is okay
ITS FUCKING NOT OKAY. I'm stressed in my personal life and need change and the fact I've had to spell that shit out to my boss countless times??? Fuck outta here I could take a month off with solid sick time and still have enough left to do it for another month. Suck my ass im done being your bitch, figure out how to fix your store or figure out how to replace an employee that ACTUALLY does their job along with the one that doesnt!!!
I feel great having let that all out via text but im still struggling so fucking much. I just want to go home and sleep. And that's bad. I know I have things to do but I can't muster the energy because I'm using it all to fake normal through my work day. This isn't living. And I want to escape. All my old vices are begging me to come home. How do you tell your loved ones you're struggling when it's like they don't hear the words as they leave your mouth?
Genuinely. I feel like my mental health won't be taken seriously until I break. Why do I have to break first?
Buy a multivitamin, use the therapy light, keep on keeping on because everyone's fight is just as bad as mine. I'm just stuck in the dumps about it.
Do I need a friend? Or will they turn me into their shoulder to cry on when I ask if they'll be mine?
Editing to add other things on my mind that I'm only irritated about when I'm already feeling low:
Its been probably a month now since I paid someone for something I still haven't recieved? Like I understand life gets in the way and external circumstances, but telling me twice that I'll be getting tracking the next day and both times I've not gotten tracking? Atp just ask if I want my money back, honestly willing to cut my losses because the person I paid has gifted me shit for the same amount I'm currently out, I'm just feeling awkward and having trauma triggered because I've already asked what's up twice. And I'm pretty sure my reply from last time is still unopened and unread. :/
On the same topic, different person I paid, commissioned some art and it's also been multiple months with no updates. I reached out to their business page thinking it was something on my end I forgot to get to, yeah they have also not checked their business page. Again, I respect life happens. But a little communication would be DIVINE. Another situation where I will most likely be cutting my losses because I have learned not to spend/give more money than you're willing to lose. But im still irritated about it.
#sunnie vents#sunnie will probably be adding more to this later#struggling#depression#substance abuse#anti capitalism
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i know i don’t know what im doing. well, i do know, but i want to discredit my feelings and gaslight myself into disliking you. you’re younger than i am anyways and interested in other people. as you should be though, i mean right? look at me haha im not blind. and not stupid unless im trying to be.
i know i’m trying not to drink but im gonna get a shot. i don’t wanna be here mentally and im not sure i ever will. but if you don’t care and the only person who does is my ex.. then what’s the point in not getting fucked up? what do i get from staying sober? it’s been a week without it. i think im okay.
idk maybe it’ll help me be less on edge when i see you. what else am i supposed to do? i did my work and the things i needed and now i can fuck off out of my head again.
see you tomorrow morning
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I know a lot of black fans that have forgiven him and me myself as a black person who doesn’t even listen to twenty one pilots much has forgiven him.
wow. that is so interesting and easy to confirm what with you being on anon.
im going to take you at your word for the sake of this argument, though, because its a stupid one that every single coon under the sun seems to think holds water.
tldr; fans arent good judges, apathy is not forgiveness, and you are not every nigga, they are not all in you.
a fan is not exactly coming from a logical place. i know full well that being entrenched in a community you have devoted time to, made friends in, and put your blood, sweat and tears into makes you way more willing to let things go, especially if your perception of events as a marginalized person is continuously refuted, as it often is. to criticize the community puts you in an even more vulnerable position than you already are in, so its easier to just grin and bear it, and even easier to convince yourself wholly and completely that you really dont mind it. i have been in this situation. its not conviction, its coercion.
assuming you are in fact not a fan of theirs, apathy is not forgiveness. deciding because you dont care about the person who said something shitty about you doesnt mean youve forgiven them, it just means it doesnt affect you. i feel like a lot of people conflate these two. you not caring about them and moving on is not the same thing as you deciding theyre probably actually sorry and are going to work to change, and moving on. its fine if you dont care at all, but you cannot supplant this with genuinely thinking they have been held accountable and intend on correcting their behaviour. additionally, apathy is not a morally superior position. being indifferent is at best, neutral, and at worst, harmful. ive said this before, but this is a recurrent problem, and black fans of 21p who decide not to grin and bear it and point out lyrics, attitudes and behavious they are uncomfortable with are bullied out of the fanbase entirely.
again, assuming you are a black person whos forgiven him... so what? i dont, many black people dont, and again, considering this is a pattern of behaviour that has been repeated several times amidst a backdrop of other concerning behaviour, and considering his apology was literally gaslighting, like definitively, like i felt like i was listening to my abuser listening to that apology, i do not intend on forgiving him until i see change. even if i forgave him, i would not be required to like him. like i dont really care if there exist black people who are okay with it. the fact is there exist black people who are not, and they outnumber those who are, and even if they didnt, considering we are not a monolith with identical experiences, its worth listening to those who disagree to at least see where theyre coming from and compensate for the issues they see that we cant. i dont care if you personally are okay with it, i care how this band has damaged the self esteem of black kids like myself over the past half decade, through their actions and inactions, and through the culture they engender through their music.
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Im so sorry...is your sister a minor
yeah she’s 17. i really don’t blame her it just sucks. anyway i think i needed to work through this but its also way too long so
lol like that was supposed to be my birthday gift but it has now become a romantic getaway for a man and his gf (who is 18 years younger than him) and my sister and one of her friends. at like. one of the most expensive hotels in the country. the same man who guilted me into giving private tutoring to 8 students at a time while i was a student because he apparently is super poor and has no money and no job. (i started tutoring for extra money and to just. have a job. because he has also given me shit about that before too. if i don’t have a job i’m like a useless baby child who he can never trust to be responsible for her own life. turns out that was just a load of bullshit to trap me. and yeah i was teaching 8-9 students at some point and i think i was like telling him hey i don’t know if this is a good idea. its a little crazy. and he was like no u should keep doing it. its money u should just earn it. we aren’t doing great financially and at some point we might need ur help paying for ur sister’s tutoring classes. and so i did and it hurt me SO much last semester. + covid but also. it was tutoring mostly lmao)
anyway i just. the thought of everything made me cry a lot in the shower lol. like that. quiet cry where u are sobbing uncontrollably but u have to mute it as much as possible so that ur mother who’s washing dishes in the kitchen doesn’t hear it
today we had some ikea furniture delivered. and i was assembling it. and my mom told me “when we were married i was always the one putting together the IKEA furniture. ur dad would always get frustrated and give up” and then in the shower i realized that’s exactly how my dad treats me lmao. i am.... his ikea furniture
so like. i can actually trace the most recent incident of abuse i faced from him back to when. i allowed him to “help” me with my university degree transfer issues. u know. because i couldn’t do the coding degree he pressured me into doing. and wanted to do something else (i could’ve gone to my uni open house w my friends. who ended up entering the arts faculty. and i WANTED to do psychology in the arts faculty too. but my dad and his gf were there. and they just. told me if i did that i would have no future and no job prospects when i graduated. which is SO fucking funny because both of them individually. their grades were super fucking shit and they were never good enough to get into the school that i did. so they had no fucking business telling me what i should or shouldn’t do. but i didn’t know that because they lied to me. my dad lied to me about so many things to scare me into thinking i couldn’t do anything. and at this point in my life. they were still monitoring my internet usage. and there were restrictions set on my phone. mere. months. before i was meant to be a university student. even getting restrictions off my phone was a big fight i had to have. i bought my own laptop with money i made from this f&b job because i knew if i waited for them to get one for me i would be waiting forever. and i was just so fucking scared of them so i got a. ‘practical’ degree. and then slid off my adhd meds because even that felt like part of the trap they kept me in for years)
i decided i wanted to do linguistics and become a linguistics major but my school wasn’t letting me. and it had been a year. so i let him and my mom get involved. which i had SUCH a bad feeling about. an awful awful bad feeling. i was right lmao. i should’ve known his involvement wouldn’t have done shit and would also. set me up for yet another Major Traumatic Incident. which i have spent the entirety of 2020 trying to avoid. do you know how stressful and tiring it feels to just like. every moment around ur own father is u just trying to walk on eggshells praying and hoping that nothing bad will happen. i tried so hard and it fell apart in the end anyway. he couldn’t fix this problem so he took it out on me
my school essentially texted us back saying “we get a shit load of transfer requests every year, even from students from other schools. ur grades from the classes u took aren’t good enough to justify a transfer” and like they were right. i had been off my meds. various things in life had happened. my commute situation wasn’t helping matters either (to and from was 2 hours each) and it has just. not been great. grandad passed away like 2 weeks ago or something at that point. which. may have been an underlying cause for the situation. or maybe he was always going to blow up at me and get violent and crazy. idk
anyway. i guess u could say it is ‘my fault’ for cutting off contact w my father n not speaking to him. but also. he threatened to throw me into a mental institute. and also. violently refused to let me leave the house so he could keep yelling at me. he physically would not let me. i yelled at him to just let me go but he implied that he would actually hurt me if i tried to get past him again. and he said all sorts of shit like he can be crazy too and he can be crazier than me which is something he’s said before. what triggered me to leave was. ok so in the beginning he was giving me the same thing he has yelled at me about over the years. i am super super fucking smart but i waste it all away on purpose and refuse to get my shit together and that’s somehow a personal attack on him. i can’t remember most of it by now. but anyway. i was tearing up and keeping absolutely quiet just waiting for it to be over so i could leave and go to another room. but then he started to. yell at me for crying. its so fucking ironic and weird because in a separate previous incident i was complaining about my school and how much it all was. and i was barely raising my voice but he was like woah woah stop being so emotional!!! as if he doesn’t regularly scream and shout and punch walls or whatever the fuck over the SMALLEST bullshit. anyway. he started to scold me for crying. and then he said ‘if you go out in the future and get a job are you going to cry like this too when ur boss scolds you? or are you acting like this because i’m family and you think its okay?’ as if. i have never had a job. as if i have never had to deal with a boss. bro i swear to fucking god. i am dead to most things now because of him. he can’t do shit. but. in the moment i found this so ridiculous and just SO fucking stupid that i left. i had had enough. i started laughing and i walked out and went to grab my bag so i could go. i didn’t. get very far obviously. and when my dad started threatening me i genuinely thought i was going to die. he was so angry and deranged that i thought he was going to murder me. my heart was going just. so so so fast. even tho i was just standing there. and i told him he was terrifying me (to which he said “GOOD”) and i just NEEDED to get out of this situation and get some space (to which he said “NO” repeatedly). he refused to admit that he would use actual violence to prevent me from leaving the house. he told me he would NEVER let me leave. which was fucking ridiculous. i stay at his house. 2 days out of the fucking week. he literally shoved me backwards so hard when i was trying to leave and he wanted to stop me. he also refused to admit that he used violence or was planning to use violence. i tried to point out this flaw in his logic to him. i said ur going to hurt me. he said no. i said ok then if ur not going to hurt me then let me walk past you and leave the house. he also said no again. and then our cousins rang the door at some point. so then he started to come to his senses. he was like. ‘the reason i don’t want to let you leave is because i’m afraid you’ll hurt yourself.’ which was so fucking stupid. i have NEVER threatened to hurt myself in front of him. i have never shared ANY thoughts of self harm in front of him. he’s the one who would get into massive fights w his dad and threaten to jump out of the window in anger (and i don’t even mean when he was younger. he would fight with his 93 year old dad. fucking stupid bitch). i made this clear to him that i was never ever planning on hurting myself. and then he said fine and let me leave. meaning i had to answer the door to my cousins in tears while he got to walk back to his room and lock himself in
he also. at some point during this argument, told me there would be consequences to me leaving. i guess i know those consequences now lmao. and like. i went home to my moms house. my cousins walked me there. i still haven’t told them. idk if my dad told them. my dad texted me to gaslight me. said that when he said he was going to put me in a mental hospital he meant it as a friendly suggestion because of ‘the state i was in’. and that it ‘wasn’t meant as a threat’ and like. oof. healthy suggestions aren’t meant to be yelled. anyway. i might be texting him. just to inform him about developments and to like. i guess set boundaries maybe. idk. i can’t carry on like this. i hate him and am terrified of him but. cutting him out of my life is basically inviting ostracism from his side of the family. and it’s putting so much stress on me. so. lol
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have you thought about turning off anon asks and taking a break from social media? no one will hold it against you, we just want you to be okay <3
thank you, and yeah lol been there and done that, deleted my twitter because a month ago I almost died going into hypoglycemic shock (I have an ED) and when I asked people if they also got heart palpitations and felt dizzy and almost passed out from fasting they were like “yeah sure its normal” (its not, you can die) so I started giving people info, like super worried everyone seemed to not be aware this could kill you bc I did some research and its weirdly unreported cause of death, but also not saying my weight or how long I fasted for or anything triggering, just pure studies and awareness posts all with “TW; ED” about how this is a lesser known about but HUGE killer in anorexia I got told to shut up and that I was being “”soooo triggering””” so I just said im sick of this bye. I am not mentally strong enough to take people unfollowing me and telling me how much they despise me “bye glad youre leaving twitter I hate you and your stupid hair” was one message I got lmao?? and this blog essayisms was one of the last places I spent time on social media on.
what it comes down to is when you have no friends and your family are abusive and weird (and I mean I have no friends, like genuinely I could not count on my fingers any friends, I have not been invited to anything for over a year, even without corona this was a thing) you resort to social media for some kind of connection and source of community which is what I did as a teenager - especially now there’s COVID and I have no opportunity to meet or be around people - and unfortunately its not a good space to be mentally ill in. there’s literally no places you can be mentally ill in, genuinely everywhere is hostile. like i have to pretend im fine all the time and I gaslight myself into thinking im better than I am but even social online spaces that are dedicated to people who are mentally ill (My Pro Ana, ED twitter, people who have recovered/are recovering from EDs and into HF twitter) are either triggering or mean. i don’t know. sorry to be sooo cliche but I have genuinely developed a fear of people and interaction in the past few months because it’s just always negative. like I can’t take much more humiliation and spiteful things happening. people give me anxiety !
I shut myself away and read my books and try not to look in my mirror most days. I like expressing myself in the medium of social media, but not recently. And it feels like everyone else just wants me to disappear as well. So I will. I know no one feels sorry for me, I know it’s so annoying for someone to talk openly about their mental health problems but it hurts so so so much I cant keep it in. I’ll just be even more alone than I was, and that’s the way the world is.
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Such Horrible Things(6)
Chapter Six: When They Were Fourteen…
Summary: Roman and Remus Hartfield are identical twins, with Roman being only two minutes and fifty-two seconds older than Remus. The two are polar opposites, Roman the loud and boisterous twin who loved Disney and various musicals, and Remus the twin who preferred to keep to himself until he grew close to you and showed his true chaotic nature. But is Remus really the chaotic one? Or is it the brother that people least expect…
Warnings: Unsympathetic Roman, Blood, Violence, Emotional Manipulation, Gaslighting, Mildly Unsympathetic Logan and Patton, Implied/Reference to Character Death (In later chapters)
TW For this chapter: Animal cruelty, death mention
AU Type: Human
Ships: Logicality, (Toxic) Roceit (In later chapters), and Dukexiety (In later chapters)
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Roman was bored, hopelessly uttering bored. Most summers for him weren't bored considering he had Remus to torment, but no this summer his twin decided to go to art camp. Their papa tried to convince him to go as well, but Roman wasn't about to go to some stupid camp and get eat up with multiple mosquitos while being surrounded by annoying kids. Roman sighs as he stabs the pointed stick he had through the abdomen of the frog he had pinned down, its guts and blood splattering against the warm rock it was pinned to. If Remus were here, his arm would be in the frog's place. The fourteen-year-old couldn't help but snort in amusement at the thought.
"Can hear him now, 'Please, Ro let me go! I'll tell!' he's always been such a bitch." Roman mutters as he stabs the frog over and over again, causing more of its blood to paint the rock a dark red.
This would be something that would chill his papa to the bone, honestly, he didn't understand how a grown man could be so childish. 'I bet he screams like a girl, he does whenever he and dad decide to get freaky.' Roman chuckles to himself as he drags the stick down, cutting the frog's stomach completely open, watching as its guts spill completely out.
"Roman! Dinner time kiddo!" His papa calls.
The teen stares down at the frog's mutilated corpse for a moment, the time ticking away. A smirk forms on Roman's face as he scoops the frog up, ignoring the bloody mess that was becoming of his hands.
"Coming, papa!"
Roman stuffs the dead frog into his pocket, he wipes his hands clean on the grass as to not distress his papa about the alarming amount of blood that was gathered on them. He pushes himself up from the ground and runs towards his house, a giddy feeling seeping into his chest, 'This is going to be fun...'
As Roman stood at the sink, preparing to wash his hands, he took the opportunity to slip the dead frog into the silverware drawer, knowing that his papa was always forgetful when it came to setting the utensils out. Roman chuckles as he quickly closes the drawer back, washing his hands good to get rid of the dirt and leftover blood. Once his hands were cleaned and dried, Roman took his seat at the table where his parents were waiting.
"So, how was your day today, Roman?" His dad asks.
"It was okay, little boring without Rem here..."
"Kiddo, you sure you don't want to join him at camp? I think you would have a lot of fun!" His papa chimes in.
Roman sneers his nose up, 'What are they trying to do? Get rid of me?'
"Patton, sweetheart you forgot the silverware again."
"Shoot! You're right, I'll be right back!"
A grin forms on Roman's face, he sits up straighter in his chair. Softly he begins to count down, he covers his mouth to muffle his laugh when a high pitched scream comes from the kitchen. He watched as his dad moved away from the table to check on his papa, a sound of disgust tells him that his dad has seen the heavily mutilated frog. Roman couldn't help the small giggle that left his mouth.
"Roman Winston Hartfield! Did you put this frog in the drawer?"
"I thought it was something cool, papa! Don't you like it? ...I did it myself."
The way Roman spoke sent a chill up Patton's spine, he glances over to Logan who looked as equally spooked by their fourteen-year-old. Logan takes a deep breath and steps back into the dining room, he narrows his eyes at Roman.
"Well, what you did wasn't nice, Roman. You're grounded, now go get that frog out of here and be sure to wash your hands again when you're done."
Roman's jaw went slack as he stares at his father, 'He can't be serious?'
"You're grounding me, over a harmless, prank? That's not fair!!"
"Life isn't fair, Roman, now do as you're told or your grounding will last longer than a week," Logan scolds.
Roman softly growls under his breath as he stands from the dining room table, he pushes past his father making sure to shove the older man a bit as he does. He grabs the frog, making sure to squeeze a bit more blood out of it, staining the silverware as he does. Roman stomps outside and hurls the dead frog across the backyard.
"You want to ground me for something stupid? Fine, but I'm going to give you a reason to ground me you ass."
Roman learned the hard way that cutting something's head off wasn't as easy as television made it out to be. That and all he had was a kitchen knife, but he was able to saw through the rabbit's neck. That morning when he heard his parents mixed screams, Roman smiled and for once it reached his eyes.
"I don't want to go!!" Roman screams as he tries to pull away from his papa. When Patton tightens his grip, that led to his son screaming even louder. After the bunny incident and various other incidents that Patton really didn't want to talk about right now, he and Logan thought it was best that Roman see a psychiatrist.
"You don't get a choice, Roman! Now stop fighting!"
With one final tug, Patton was able to pull Roman into the psychiatrist's office, it was the same doctor that they had Remus seeing. Dr. Emile Picani stares at them with shocked brown eyes. Patton offers him an apologetic smile as he forces Roman to sit in one of the brown leather chairs in front of Emile's oak desk.
"I'm going to assume this is, Roman?" Emile asks.
"Yes, sorry he's... He's having a difficult time right now."
Roman barks out a humorless laugh, catching both adult's attention as he does.
"More like you and dad are having a difficult time, I told you that I didn't want to fucking be here."
Patton softly scolds Roman for his language, which only led to the teen rolling his eyes at his papa's weak discipline actions. Emile clears his throat, capturing both of Roman and Patton's attention. He offers Roman a polite smile as he pushes his pink glasses up the bridge of his nose.
"Well, Roman, it's nice to make your acquaintance. Patton, you can step out now I'd like to have a chat with Roman."
Patton takes a shaky breath and nods, closing the door behind him as he leaves. Roman huffs and folds his arms over his chest, sliding down into his chair as he glares at the smiling doctors face.
"So, why don't you tell me a little about yourself Roman?"
Psychopathic tendencies are what Emile had called it. Roman had been seeing for a good two weeks now, and that was what the good doctor came up with was psychopathic tendencies. Sure, Roman lacked empathy, or a real conscience apparently not having a little voice in your head telling you right from wrong wasn't normal. Roman remembers his papa breaking down into tears, he remembers rolling his eyes at the man's theatrics, he cried as if Roman were dying.
"Is there any way we can treat it, Dr. Picani? Medicine? Therapy?" His dad asked.
"There are no known medicine for this no... but group therapy may help. This would give Roman a chance to interact with other people like him, maybe even help him cope with his issue."
Roman remembered frowning at the idea, hating at having to be around annoying people for two hours, he remembers wanting to throw a fit, yelling at the adults that he didn't need therapy, but he's glad he didn't do that.
Roman smirks and saunters up to his latest prey, making sure to replace the devious smirk with a soft smile that was similar to his papa's.
"Hi, I'm Roman Hartfield it's nice to meet you!"
The boy with a yellow beanie with matching gloves looks at him, his blue and amber eyes look directly into his green ones. The burn mark on the boy's face stood out like a sore thumb, but it didn't ruin his looks in Roman's opinion. The boy smiles back and offers a gloved hand to Roman.
"I'm Eden Summers! It's nice to meet too, Roman!"
Roman notices the scars that littered Eden's arms as he shook the boy's hand, he allows his smirk to return.
'Things just got interesting~.'
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~TAGLIST~: @sparrow-flightninggale @perhaps-im-dave-rolland
A/N: WELL WELL WELL LOOK WHO GOT CAUGHT- And was led straight to a new victim
Also note! I’m not saying that all diagnosed psychopaths are evil! Roman just turns out to be very violent-
#sanders sides#roman sanders#remus sanders mentioned#logan sanders#patton sanders#unsympathetic roman#deceit sanders#he's eden#sympathetic deceit#logicality#emile picani#tw animal cruelty#tw blood#tw violence#tw mental disorders#tw self harm mentioned#tw scars
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Hi, im the anon with the guy 'helping' me with my trauma 🙃👋
I didnt know what he did was gaslighting, wow😅 he is almost always acting like he knows me more than i know myself and tells me how i should be feeling, because only "stupid people feel those things. Thats not you".
Ive been talking to him since, less than before though as it doesnt feel the same, almost like i lost that 'connection' with him. I know i probably shouldnt, but im just waiting until he does it again to cut off contact. Even imagining doing this, makes me feel incredibly guilty. Ive only known the guy almost 3 weeks 😅
Im not sure if it was retraumatising, though. I know that since then, my memory has been incredibly hazy and ive been dissossociating a lot.
When that day happened, i remember telling him i was crying/couldnt breathe, and he just mocked me further, spamming me with the same message (almost 8 times in a row). He was faking sympathy. During this he sent me pictures of himself laughing/smiling. He thought it was a joke, and that i was lying about my feelings for attention :/
I feel like he helps me move 2 steps forward, then 3 steps back, and gets upset when im cautious/hesistant to move forward again.
Thank you for your response, it was incredibly validating! 😊💕
Hi again! I’m glad I could help ❤😊
Yes, that definitely sounds like gaslighting, nonnie. No one, absolutely no one knows you more than you know yourself, or knows what you are or aren’t feeling or thinking. No one has a right to tell you who you are. And the “only stupid people feel those things” bit also worries me, because it’s never a good sign when a person tries to convince you that somehow you’re different or superior than anyone else as long as you are exactly who they want you to be. I’m not very knowledgeable in these topics, but as far as I know, this can be an isolation tactic to make you feel like only this one person understands you; to make you less likely to go to others for help. Which can make you much more vulnerable if this one person wants to hurt or control you.
Also, what he said is absolutely not true. Anyone can feel suicidal, or depressed, or anxious, or have symptoms of trauma. You’re not different than the rest of the world, and you deserve to feel like a part of it and connected to the people around you; reconnecting with the world around you and feeling understood by it is a really important part of recovery, especially if your trauma made you feel isolated or like there wasn’t anyone who’d understand or who you could reach out for help. And the fact he’s trying to “other” you from other people really rubs me off the wrong way.
I’m glad you haven't known him for that long and that you’re talking to him less! And I know guilt can be a tough enemy to battle during recovery, but please, remember it’s never wrong to take any steps to keep yourself safe, especially not when you’re in such a crucial and vulnerable moment in your life as is trauma recovery. Try to think about it this way: if his intention is to hurt you or make you feel like he’s the only one you can trust, then cutting him off now will save you from a lot of pain. If he doesn’t have bad intentions and genuinely wants you to get better, he will understand how important it is for you to be able to set boundaries and protect yourself, and will respect you not wanting to keep him as a part of your support group or in your life at all. And if he reacts badly to you wanting to cut him off, then that is a red flag that he is not willing to respect your boundaries when your boundaries inconvenience him, which means cutting him off is definitely the right move.
I don’t know a lot about what re-traumatising events feel like, but the fact that what he did caused you to dissociate and to have memory issues sounds like a bad sign :( I’m lucky enough that I haven’t gone through any similar events since I left my abusive house, and I can tell you that I personally haven’t struggled with recent memories being hazy since I got away from my abuser. (Memories from traumatic moments are definitely hazy, but I don't have trouble remembering new ones I make on a daily basis since I got out, if that makes sense! Well... Beyond not remembering what I ate yesterday, lol.) If anyone knows more about this than me and wants to shed some light on this topic, it would be appreciated!
And about him mocking you/sending pics of him smiling while you were clearly in distress... I just have no words for how cruel that is. It’s not okay to treat anyone in distress like they’re faking it or like their emotions are a joke; much less if the person is a survivor and likely to have been triggered! And about the “faking for attention” bit, I honestly don’t understand how people can use that excuse to invalidate someone’s emotions. Because even if you had been genuinely trying to get his attention about your struggles, and not just experiencing what I think could’ve been a flashback... the truth still stands that what people often call “attention-seeking” are more often than not cries for help. No one who tries to catch other people’s attention about how bad they feel inside does it for fun or to be cool™; we do it because we need help. Exactly like when a baby cries because it’s hungry. So I don’t understand how the logic can be anything other than “if this person is crying for help, I should do whatever is in my power to help them”, tbh. I don’t understand how trying to get others’ attention about your feelings is selfish or cringy or anything other than something to be taken seriously. So his logic still doesn't excuse him mocking you, laughing at you, or telling you there's basically nothing wrong with you.
Okay, ramble over 😅 I also wanted to say, regarding your second-to-last paragraph, that it’s absolutely okay for you to be hesitant to move forward in your recovery, and that for recovery to work, it needs to happen at your own pace, with you being able to set boundaries at all times. It’s not his place to get upset at you. As I’ve said before, if he truly wants to help, what he needs to do is respect your boundaries and offer support; not push you, rush you, or get mad at you for struggling.
I’m really glad my previous reply was validating, and hope this one helps a bit too ❤ sending a huge virtual hug!
#ask#abuse#abuse tw#trauma#trauma tw#trauma recovery#recovery#retraumatisation#gaslighting#gaslighting tw#guilt tw#dissociation tw#memory loss tw#emotional abuse tw#boundaries#Anonymous#Cry for help#Attention seeking
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we’ve finally come time for the one (1) annual Kayla’s Having a Bad Time post
i don’t know anymore what exactly is wrong with me but wow!! is it bad!!! and wow do i hate it !!!!! i have not gone a day w/o crying in like a week and a half and i’m so tired, i’m literally so tired of hating myself just for existing and i’m tired of all the little things that should not upset me upsetting me only because they’re in masse, only because all together it’s so much and i only have two fucking hands
and like in the back of my mind even fucking still i’m like “.... okay but placebo effect. okay but you aren’t really sad tho. okay but you literally just don’t want to get better you are doing this for attention you are doing this bc being content would be easy and you just want to stir the pot clearly, just stop” to the point where i’m like I Guess I Have To Prove to even myself that i am fucking justified in feeling the way that i do before my brain gaslights itself into thinking that there was never anything wrong with me to begin with and that i’ve fucking put myself in this hole myself for no reason other than ... i don’t even know! i don’t know
makes a list in my notes :) to remember all the heinous bullshit going on :) and maybe for catharsis reasons i don’t fucking care anymore
- it’s the anniversary of the thing. you know. ;) the kind of traumatic experience of having the people i called best friends fucking uhhh pick on me every day for the entirety of like eight months - on my eating habits on my behavior on my anxiety on the things they knew i fucking hated about myself - only for them to just. drop me all of a sudden, on THEIR own terms, as if I was the one who fucking did anything to THEM, thus rendering me from never getting my own fucking closure from the situation ! i have both of them still added as friends on snapchat and i follow them on instagram because for some reason i know that if i just blocked them it would cause problems (what problems?? what arbitrary fucking problems???) seeing their faces makes me feel literal actual dread, i can’t go to one of the restaurants in my town alone because they work there and i hate it ! i hated every second of april 2019 - september 2019 where i felt fucking psychotic for being upset over this situation, where i couldn’t convince myself that i wasn’t insane for being strung up and i couldn’t even call it trauma until like march when someone coined it that for me themselves lol ,,,, i hate myself for still giving them my thoughts, i hate myself for wondering that in a different universe where i wasn’t as fucking stupid or ditzy if they’d still talk to me. i hate myself for wondering if ***** looks at the message i left on her poster last april where i told her how much i admired her and loved her and thinks about me, because that was probably the last time i ever said anything real to her, which... haha. what a JOKE right?
- my rsd has somehow fucking spiked and gotten so much worse in like.. the last eight days. literally when i first posted ‘sweet hibiscus tea’ i went and checked it a few days after and it had like. two dislikes? and i like. cried? :) which is so dramatic and i hate it djksgndsg i can’t go a day reading messages or texts from anyone who talks to me without finding one that’s not inherently positive and picking it apart until i’ve hurt myself over something that wasn’t even related, im too sensitive about EVERYTHING but i don’t know how to address it or deal with it so i just don’t which i think is... why it’s getting worse oop. it gets triggered by literally fucking everything i hate it here
- one of the only things bringing me any sort of serotonin rn is making content. hense the hyperfixating on my r and on this oneshot and on the writing meme things, like. it makes me feel productive, but hyperfixating for me oftentimes leads to a bad headspace which makes me fucking disoriented when i come out of it, and like. ofc there’s the typical things w it too like me forgetting to do other shit like eat or whatever but it’s literally been the only way i can cope with myself. making things. getting validation for things. if i can entertain someone for like, ten minutes, maybe anything i do matters. maybe. fuck.
- i can’t not self isolate myself when things are bad, i just. can’t sdjgnsd like i hate talking about myself i hate talking about the way i feel because nothing makes sense?? i encourage people to talk to me when they feel bad but i can’t ever do the same for myself because i’m a hypocrite! and like the feelings of worthlessness overpower everything i do! convince me people don’t care and shit when i know that’s not the case, but if i acknowledge that then i have to think about how i’m being selfish by fucking moping but not talking to anyone, and i just! i cannot win !!! ever!
- ^^^^ on that note, literally the few times i’ve felt okay recently i’ve had that ripped right from me by little things people close to me have done, like !! can you not vague me?? regardless of if you see that i’m doing bad mentally or not ???? i’m begging you , i’m so sorry that i’m not acting normal but can you for one second maybe consider that i’m a person ? i may be SAD but i’m not fucking STUPID so if i bother you just tell me ??? it’s the least you can do ??????
- scared i can’t love. scared i’m not morally a good person. scared that i’m selfish but don’t realize it. i wasn’t meant to have a confidant i don’t think and who am i to ever try and subject anyone to my fucked up head
- i’m constantly fucking terrified on my dad’s behalf because this dude is 41 years old yet i’m the fucking adult out of the two of us most of the time? he comes home drunk so often and i’ve thought that he’s had alcohol poisoning more than once and i hate being fucking scared of having to like. contact fafsa or my college like “hey can u adjust my financial aid, because i’m kind of an orphan now? :’)” we don’t have any other family, i can’t ask anyone to help me it’s literally me and him against the world and he’s put me on this pedestal of being an amazing daughter so i feel guilty at the thought of anything happening to him as if i’m his fucking guardian. he drinks so much and he’s so infidelious and ridiculous so what’s going to happen when i leave ?
it’s just. so much. but i don’t want to be a beacon of negative shit because even after all of this i’m self conscious of making other people sad so i pretend that everything’s fine on my sc and in person , which i know gives off the vibe of “but she’s not even acting sad? :///” when i offhandedly mention anywhere that i’ve been depressed and i just. i’m sorry that i don’t post about how when i’m not staring at my huion screen i’m fucking staring at the wall wondering if anyone would fucking notice other than my dad and my coworkers if i just disappeared without a word
it feels selfish to complain about my life feeling bad with all the shit going on, too, on top of that. so it’s better if i just don’t say anything at all, there’s other shit to deal with other than my life falling apart because really this just happens every year around this time doesn’t it. i’ll get over it. i’m being dramatic and stupid and in like two months none of this will even fucking matter
tldr; i need to get my meds upped or something
#irrelevant#do not be obliged to say anything i really just needed to scream on somewhere that wasn't snapchat#bc for legal reasons people don't need to know how i feel <3#garbage.txt#if you're new here i swear that this isn't normal i'm just fucking bad rn#we'll be back to memes and content momentarily#not proofread#can't look @ this rn#gonna drink some hawaiian punch and probably work on#something#as always <3#vent#ask to tag#i don't think there's anything particularly Jarring in this but#tw alcohol#longpost#long post
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A series of events
I move out of my moms back to my home state to live with dad, hoping to escape helicopter parenting and (what i thought) was the cause of my anxiety and depression.
Dad is never home. House is in the middle of nowhere, i did not have a car or license. Or any outside contact. I get even more depressed. I had skating on sundays, which helped a little.
Dad and i move out and move in with my grandma. Closer to town, clean water. I get a car, still no license. I'm turned down rides on the possibility i get a job (my first red flag). Things are okay...ish.
Several months later. Still living with grandma. I have my license finally. But Covid shuts everything down, I lose my outlet and the few friends i had i dont get to see often. Dad is hardly home. Im stuck with my grandma who is bitter and hates seeing me happy (thats what it seems). My feelings are ignored and getting constantly gaslighted by her. Constant negativity (ex. My arena opens. She antagonizes me saying its just going to close again when im excited to have my outlet again). Im always picked on and belittled for not knowing how to do certain things. Im an adult or a child, depending on how convenient it is for them... But im always spoken down to like a child. Im realizing the abuse only bc my gf opened my eyes to it. But i cant fight back bc i'm always made out to be the bad guy. Im called a lazy spoiled brat.
Now, two years after leaving moms... I'm 19. My anxiety and depression have worsened. I cried so hard i nearly puked last night on the phone with my mom telling her i wasted two years and that i was stupid for moving back. I regret way too much. For some reason i keep telling myself that i should be grateful that i dont have it as bad as some. That its not abuse and i deserve the treatment.
Im so so lost on what to do anymore. Im too stubborn to stop fighting this. And theres so much more that has happened thats contributed to this, too much to list. Im starting to realize i have my own trauma that ill need to work through, and i definitely cant stop beating myself up over the fact that a lot of my own misfortune has been my own fault... But im realizing i also dont control the actions of how others have reacted and that defines them, not me.
Ill either get a place or move back with my mom. She keeps telling me i need to build myself, my confidence back up before they break me and make me lose myself here. Shes right. But i still cant help but think that i deserve this.
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The dumbest post
I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:
@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema
I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.
I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am.
It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.
But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.
I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.
Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing
I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.
Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.
I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above.
I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.
I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.
You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.
It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers
What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism, transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.
The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:
- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.
- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.
- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.
I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.
And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.
I don’t know what else to say but:
1. Get the hell away from our fandom
2. Get rid of your internet connection.
3. Get a life.
4. We don’t want you here.
5. You’re scum.
6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.
I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.
I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.
Yours sincerely,
sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.
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in the tags of a post about all men being manipulative, i put down many thoughts as a way to sort of process my reaction to that blanket statement which, in some ways, does apply to me, but also in many ways does not. im taking the main idea of those tags and putting it here into better words. I think it could be important for a young man like myself who reads it. For me, it took some serious interpersonal strife during my college years for me to be able to realize the effect I was having on others, and one of those effects was that a woman I was very close to felt manipulated by me. She felt that I was always trying to guilt her and influence her into things i wanted to do,regardless of her well-being or interests. Truthfully our friendship at that time had some serious work that needed to be done, and both of us had some realizations to make, but the reality was that I was hurting her, regardless of the fact that I never intended to. Manipulation is something she was absolutely and undeniably valid in assuming because women know they need to be on guard of these things, especially with men. Many if not most men absolutely are manipulators. It’s a condition of western masculinity, something that I and all other American men should think about, how men are often unable/unwilling to consider the autonomy of women. How compromising is considered weakness. I hope whoever reads this understands what I’m trying to say.
Side note: This is very gender-oriented and on a personal, more soulbound level i dont really subscribe to that but it absolutely applies to real life because we live in a world where people DO subscribe to that binary, so try not to mind that aspect of this and dont take me calling myself a man too seriously.
As a man, i have to stand next to these fools in the lineup and get charged too. But the thing is, even if I’m not a manipulator, men absolutely ARE this manipulative. Way more than we as a society seem to realize. They will lie to you and play stupid to absolve themselves; not of guilt, but of consequence. They will gaslight you and try to reshape your whole perception of reality to get what they want, with no consideration for how that would effect another human. As a man, you have to choose never to use your status or being or another person’s trust in any way that exploits them. What you desire is never more important than the comfort or the peace of another person. You have to know from the start that it’s flat out wrong and is literally abuse. You have to mold yourself into someone who is too considerate, too empathetic to manipulate the women who trust you. It’s not enough to know that women are whole humans too, that they have all the feelings and complexities that men do, you have to really comprehend that on a personal level, you have to be able to think how what you’re doing would effect you if you were on the receiving end. A healthy relationship is full honesty, intentions and goals included. A healthy relationship is looking for feedback on your behavior and trusting that dialogue, however it comes. When both of you are doing your part, everyone should be okay.
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