viyxen - Tumblr blog

[viyxen]

i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what to say. i’m drawn out on all ends.

the roll of alcohol in my stomach keeps me alert. must have more. go home and drink and don’t stop. you’ll feel better and it’ll feel good and you’ll feel better.

you still have no idea what you’ve done to me

[viyxen]

i wanna say more but i won’t. i know you don’t want me. but damn.

[viyxen]

i’ve actually decided i don’t care anymore. you actually admitted to just wanting ti come over for your own reassurance. your own peace of mind. hahaha right

[viyxen]

seeing you with other people. that’s something i’m not gonna get used to. fuck.

[viyxen]

yes, i’m still thinking of you. but it’s not like before. it’s almost a longing for something i can’t ever have.

you wear your age with pride and it shows. i’m too old for that.

i hope you know i still love you.

[viyxen]

leave me the FUCK alone

[viyxen]

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU

how could you ever think that was okay to do to someone

what the fuck is wrong with you?

are you that fucking stupid and oblivious?

jesus christ dude

grow the fuck up

[viyxen]

i did it again. i had to. i hung up the phone and quickly grabbed the razor. breaking it apart and releasing the three blades. so small and sharp.

the coolness of the metal followed by sharp concentrated stinging. i thought of you and did it again and again. five of them.

i didn’t do it because of you. no, you don’t deserve that kind of reaction to acting so fucking stupid.

but i do.

[viyxen]

[viyxen]

jinganjang

[viyxen]

[viyxen]

high and buzzed and just a little drunk. my favorite place to visit. the music blurs in the background and the lights feel less overwhelming. it’s nice. i can almost take a full breath in and really breathe it in. and feel it. it’s nice.

[viyxen]

there is so much fucking happening. i took a klonopin and didn’t even feel it. my anxiety is at a level i never thought it would be at. the fucking noise. the touching. the questions. leave me fucking alone. my head hurts.

[viyxen]

it still doesn’t make a lot of sense but i’m nervous and i recognize that. it’s a weird way to feel about someone you’ve never been with. why do you have this effect on me

[viyxen]

i know i don’t know what im doing. well, i do know, but i want to discredit my feelings and gaslight myself into disliking you. you’re younger than i am anyways and interested in other people. as you should be though, i mean right? look at me haha im not blind. and not stupid unless im trying to be.

i know i’m trying not to drink but im gonna get a shot. i don’t wanna be here mentally and im not sure i ever will. but if you don’t care and the only person who does is my ex.. then what’s the point in not getting fucked up? what do i get from staying sober? it’s been a week without it. i think im okay.

idk maybe it’ll help me be less on edge when i see you. what else am i supposed to do? i did my work and the things i needed and now i can fuck off out of my head again.

see you tomorrow morning

[viyxen]

i told you that it didn’t fucking matter. no one would notice if you hurt yourself. it would be easy.

[viyxen]

nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

forget it forget it forget it forget it forget it forget it

you’re not attractive