viyxen

[viyxen]

first cuts in a while. i hate being sober.

[viyxen]

are you stupid? i feel completely overlooked. you showed up because i was crying on the phone. you made us dinner while i met with a client and when i was done i didn’t want to eat.

i don’t have an appetite. i want to drink. i want to smoke weed. i want ten new vapes to hit all at once. i want to cut myself in places no one would notice.

but i know you’d notice and comment on the lack of affection. that may be our biggest flaw. i can’t stand touch.

anyways, you left. you may not have known it but you being here was preventing me from being self destructive.

you left and i walked across the street, took a double shot, got a six pack, and came home.

it’s been a few minutes and i’m almost done with the first beer. the shot is sinking in. i’m okay.

[viyxen]

its weird to be back but here i am. right where you would expect me. at walters drinking a beer and ordering a shot. you told me to "be safe" so i have a timer on me. gotta drink and go home. don't make too much of a mess of yourself while you're out. i know youll be checking.

at least one person cares.

[viyxen]

i think it might be your birthday tomorrow. i’ll write this today to get it out of the way.

you were a big bright light until you weren’t. but that doesn’t mean you cant be for someone else.

i really hope you know i still wish you the best. even if it’s without me.

[viyxen]

i don’t know how to feel. i don’t know what to say. i’m drawn out on all ends.

the roll of alcohol in my stomach keeps me alert. must have more. go home and drink and don’t stop. you’ll feel better and it’ll feel good and you’ll feel better.

you still have no idea what you’ve done to me

[viyxen]

i wanna say more but i won’t. i know you don’t want me. but damn.

[viyxen]

i’ve actually decided i don’t care anymore. you actually admitted to just wanting ti come over for your own reassurance. your own peace of mind. hahaha right

[viyxen]

seeing you with other people. that’s something i’m not gonna get used to. fuck.

[viyxen]

yes, i’m still thinking of you. but it’s not like before. it’s almost a longing for something i can’t ever have.

you wear your age with pride and it shows. i’m too old for that.

i hope you know i still love you.

[viyxen]

leave me the FUCK alone

[viyxen]

fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU

how could you ever think that was okay to do to someone

what the fuck is wrong with you?

are you that fucking stupid and oblivious?

jesus christ dude

grow the fuck up

[viyxen]

i did it again. i had to. i hung up the phone and quickly grabbed the razor. breaking it apart and releasing the three blades. so small and sharp.

the coolness of the metal followed by sharp concentrated stinging. i thought of you and did it again and again. five of them.

i didn’t do it because of you. no, you don’t deserve that kind of reaction to acting so fucking stupid.

but i do.

[viyxen]

[viyxen]

jinganjang

[viyxen]

[viyxen]

high and buzzed and just a little drunk. my favorite place to visit. the music blurs in the background and the lights feel less overwhelming. it’s nice. i can almost take a full breath in and really breathe it in. and feel it. it’s nice.

[viyxen]

there is so much fucking happening. i took a klonopin and didn’t even feel it. my anxiety is at a level i never thought it would be at. the fucking noise. the touching. the questions. leave me fucking alone. my head hurts.