#the story was interesting and complex. maybe slightly too long

[poetlcs]

books read in 2024 - no. 10

lady joker by kaoru takamura (trnsl.  marie lida &  allison markin powell )

[moonsandmobilityaids]

Hopeless

Pairings: Pre-Poly!marauders x disabled!reader Summary: James is a total goner. And he knows Sirius and Remus are interested too. Warnings: N/A Series Masterlist

The sun dips low in the sky, casting long shadows over the Hogwarts grounds. You're seated by the Black Lake, its surface calm and glassy, reflecting the warm hues of sunset. The water sparkles with dappled light, mirroring the orange and pink swirls painted across the canvas of the evening sky.

A gentle breeze stirs the air, carrying the scent of wildflowers and the distant promise of rain. It lifts your robes ever so slightly, an almost playful gesture that brings a sense of peace to this solitary moment. The soft rustle of leaves in the wind is punctuated by the occasional call of a magical creature from the Forbidden Forest, their songs intertwining with the natural symphony of dusk.

You pull your knees closer to your chest, arms wrapped around them in a self-embrace. Your wheelchair is parked nearby on the grass, but for now, you find comfort in the connection between earth and self, grounding you in a world that often seems to be spinning too fast.

James is lying on the grass with Sirius, pretending to help him with his Transfiguration homework. His friend's voice drifts over him in a continuous stream, mostly complaints about the complexity of the assignment. But James isn't really listening.

His attention is elsewhere, drawn by the sound of your laughter as you engage with Remus' stories. The late afternoon sun illuminates your face, casting a warm glow that highlights the sparkle in your eyes and the curve of your smile against the backdrop of an azure sky turning to dusk.

Something about you seems different this summer. It's not just the physical changes—although those are noticeable too. You've grown taller, your frame appearing stronger despite the health challenges you've faced. But it's more than that. James can see it in the way you carry yourself, even seated in the wheelchair. There's a quiet strength radiating from you, a resilience that wasn't there—or perhaps he hadn't noticed—before.

James knows Sirius likes you too. It's in the way his eyes linger on you, just a moment too long, or how his arm casually drapes over your shoulders, hinting at something more than friendly banter. James isn't surprised—Sirius has always been a charmer—but this feels different, deeper somehow. And it does something strange to James's heart when he sees those familiar grey eyes soften at your laugh, at your mere presence.

And then, there's Remus. He's more reserved, but even he can't hide the light in his eyes when you're around. His voice takes on a softer tone, barely noticeable unless one knows to look for it. And James does. He notices the small smile that plays on Remus's lips when you speak, the way he leans in just a bit closer, as if drawn by your warmth.

James knows because he feels the same pull, the same inexplicable tug at his heart whenever you're near. He's in love with you, and maybe with Sirius, and maybe even Remus. The realization is both terrifying and exhilarating, like standing on the edge of a cliff and deciding whether to jump or stay put.

"James," you call, breaking the silence that has settled over him like a blanket. He looks up from the grass blades he's been absentmindedly tearing apart, his gaze meeting yours. Your smile is soft, patient—an antidote to the storm brewing within him. "You alright?"

"Yeah," he mumbles, adjusting his glasses with the back of his hand. Heat creeps up the back of his neck, but he tries to hide it, focusing on the specks of dirt under his fingernails. "Just thinking."

"About what?" You tilt your head, your hair catching the sunlight. It's a simple question, but it feels heavy, weighted with all the unspoken words that have been lingering between you.

His eyes dart towards Sirius, who's now idly tossing pebbles into the lake, then to Remus, whose attention seems more focused on you than the book in his lap. James swallows hard, feeling the gravity of everything left unsaid. But with you, it doesn't seem unbearable; instead, it feels like possibility.

"About how... how incredible you are," he blurts out before his brain can catch up with his mouth.

Your eyes widen for a fraction of a second, and there's a flicker of something across your face—surprise or doubt or maybe even hope—but it's gone as quickly as it came.

"Incredible?" Your laughter is a soft melody, but a blush blooms on your cheeks. "I'm not that special."

"Of course you are." James's voice is low, almost a whisper now. It's as though he's entrusting you with a secret, hoping you'll guard it close to your heart. He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing with the motion. "You're... you're amazing."

Sirius raises an eyebrow from where he's lounging, his expression unreadable. James fears he's said too much, given away something he never intended to reveal. But Sirius simply smirks, glancing between you and James.

"Oi, James," Sirius drawls, reclining further. "If you're going to declare your undying love for her, at least wait until I've finished my homework. Don't need to be scarred for life."

Your laughter rings out again, this time with more depth and warmth. "Like that'll ever happen, Black."

James tries to join in the mirth, but there's a tightness in his chest that has nothing to do with laughter. He looks at Sirius again, and their eyes meet for a moment—just long enough for James to see the unspoken agreement there. Sirius understands. He always does.

As the last rays of sunlight dance upon the horizon and the stars begin to peek from their celestial hiding places, you feel a collective sigh pass through your group. It's time to return to the castle, to trade the freedom of the lakeshore for the looming walls of Hogwarts. Remus stands beside you, ready to help you transition from the grassy bank to your chair.

A few steps behind, Sirius walks with James, their strides synchronised despite the silence stretching between them. It's not an awkward silence, but one filled with unvoiced thoughts and unshared concerns. The tension is palpable even as they keep their faces carefully neutral, their focus on the path ahead.

"You love her," Sirius states, his voice low and barely audible. It's not a question.

James halts mid-step, turning to look at his friend. Sirius' gaze is distant, fixed on some unseen point beyond the castle walls. His usual bravado is gone, replaced by a stillness that speaks volumes. The lines of his face are drawn tight, and his hands, usually animated with grand gestures, are tucked deep into the pockets of his robe.

"Yeah," James admits finally, because there's no point in denying it—not to himself, and certainly not to Sirius. "I do."

The silence stretches between them, a chasm filled with unsaid words and unvoiced fears. James watches as Sirius' jaw tenses, the only sign that he's wrestling with thoughts too complex to articulate. The seconds tick by, each one a testament to the gravity of their situation.

"I do too," Sirius confesses at last, his voice barely more than a whisper. The admission hangs heavy in the air, a secret laid bare under the weight of the moonlight.

James exhales, not aware he had been holding his breath. He wants to say something—anything—to ease the tension, but words fail him. Then Sirius looks at him and there's that familiar crooked grin, the one that always managed to reassure James they could face anything—as long as it was together.

"Guess we're both hopeless then, eh?" Sirius's tone is light, but his grey eyes hold a depth of understanding that goes beyond their years.

James returns the grin, feeling an odd sense of relief. "Yeah. Hopeless."

[vihattu-thethoroughbredofsin]

Humans Are Space Orcs and Transformers (some ideas)

Okay, a few posts on the topic "humans are space orcs and transformers" inspired me to expand this topic. Maybe some ideas from one of my reblogs will repeat, but what can I do.

The canon of transformers in all works has extremely belittled humans for an obvious reason — the central theme is cool robots, and people are templates for the viewer's projection (or budget savings, because it will be easier to draw / model people, so you can save on reducing the number of frames with robots).

But if we move away from this and look towards the realistic relationship between humanity and Cybertronians, then we could come up with a bunch of interesting situations that few of the creators have thought of.

For example, transformers consider humans weak and pathetic because we are small and organic. Yes, realistic for a first impression. But why don't people treat them the same when they first meet? We humans are very sensitive to technology, because we know that even an industrial robot can fail, because the more complex the technology, the more variables that can break. Just look at the reaction of the owner of the car, if it was even slightly pushed by something (if there was no person inside, of course). Where are the people who start panicking at every fight, where is the human who is on the verge of a heart attack looking for the number of the nearest car service station after hearing that their Cybertronian friend fell into the lake? Eventually we would have realized that transformers are tougher, but the initial reaction would have been like this.

Although, why wouldn't Earth be a dangerous place? After all, water getting inside the transformer frame, stones and sand getting stuck in the welds of the transformation, cold and frozen water could be a huge constant problem, since this is a non-standard environment for their kind. But this is usually skipped, although it could be a plot reason for friendship with people who could help with this, since they are familiar with similar problems with their equipment. Yes, in some continuities it rains acid on Cybertron and all that, but this does not make the Earth some kind of paradise in comparison.

Why is there not a single moment where a hyperactive person tries to find some softer place on a bet, a wire or an energy line, for example, and bite? People like to mess around like that, especially friends. And how much Cybertronians can be surprised by their friend's phrase about wanting to eat them because of tender feelings (it won't help if they find out about the case of the plane being eaten).

Where is this here: — Energon is delicious, right? — For us, yes, but you can't. — ... — No, this is fatal poisoning for your kind! — I'LL DIE TRYING, JENNY, GEORGIE, WHERE'S THE CAMERA?!

Where is the test drive of all the possibilities of your metal friend? — And then you jump and transform around me! — I'm afraid you'll be crushed. — Okay, let's try with the dummy first.

Why has everyone forgotten Astoria's legacy and is no longer trying to inter-species romance? Where are the strange courtship on the part of humans, such as going to a premium car wash, trying to synthesize delicious energon for a date, incredible rage against someone who somehow offended a love interest? In the end, it's also a great ground for tragic stories, people don't live long, and Cybertronians are constantly putting themselves in danger. And longing after a moment of attachment in time is just as sad as a human's attempt to somehow preserve the memory of a seemingly immortal and invincible friend, which there is no one else to keep, and this, too, will not last long.

Humans are described mostly as useless friends who, for the convenience of the plot, are usually taken hostage or simply useless in this war as a species.

And it's just surprising. Humans. Useless. In the war. Humans who fought before they took a stick and a stone in their hand and from that moment improved weapons, skills and techniques of conflict management. Humans whose military demands move science to the same extent as industrial ones. And we wouldn't have found a way to fight alien robots? The first question that the military would ask scientists is how to break through Cybertronian armor and at what temperature it melts (and don't ask where they will take samples). Having suffered in the early stages, we would have regrouped and thought about what to do next. People are small, so they will fight back much more fiercely if they are cornered by someone big. This is quite common among animals, so it would be a natural thing among humans. To set traps using our specific landscape, to drive the enemy there with the help of energon, which can be poisoned, even if they take it away, they will still get hit. It didn't work out to fight with our weapons — we will improve, it didn't work out too — we will steal their weapons. Open war is not an option? You can fight a guerrilla war.

And it's not worth saying what a real nightmare we can do if the government delays recognizing the extension of humane treatment laws to Decepticons. If this law is often violated in conventional wars, then it's scary to imagine if it will be abolished here in relation to the enemy at all. And if researchers with a scientific interest get involved in this... History has a huge number of examples of what our curiosity is capable of. — And then, later, we realized how to turn off their pain receptors! — Yes, but it wasn't necessary anymore.

Allow a mad scientist to make a mecha suit out of a dead Decepticon and send the most reckless soldier to the battlefield. Not as the most effective combat unit, but as a intimidation and demonstration of what we can do with your dead brothers in arms. I have no doubt that someone would have thought of it (well, I thought of it...). Adaptivity, ingenuity, quick learning, desperation and recklessness — this is the main weapons of humanity.

And who said that transformers will necessarily be effective in war? The fact that they have been fighting for millions of years does not mean that they are doing it successfully, just the opposite (Even your vaunted IDW shows some kind of sucks instead of logical fighting). In the end, they have soldiers and units of military equipment are the same thing, in which case both are lost. In addition, if humans can retrain soldiers and transfer them to other duties, then you will not force those who transform into a tank to replace the seekers when there is a shortage. Moreover, in most continuities, in principle, Cybertronians have difficulties with reproducing numbers, because it's cool to get adult fighters and members of society at once, but when this process depends in most cases on your planet, which is most often a little dead, or some artefacts, then scores with humans begin to be compared. With certain difficulties and with the expenditure of time, but humanity can reproduce itself independently in theory wherever there are suitable conditions for the life of our species. Probably winning option could be a superweapon to blow up the entire planet at once, then yes, it's successful.

Well, just go to any forum ala "Why mechs from anime sucks!" and there will be an essay for a thousand pages about the fact that such a humanoid form is ineffective in war with a whole list of methods for breaking these things (hit the joints and the head — the very first rule).

Oh, you can say, "But in IDW, people were doing something there!". No. The humans there were mostly exposed as idiots, who, as it turned out, acted according to the plans of the Decepticons. Humans weren't even allowed to be evil on their own! They can be shown as good and evil, your favorite gray morality (which never really existed in IDW), but there is no this, just another stick in the Atobot wheel from the Decepticons.

It's just that sometimes I want to tell the authors of works on this franchise to decide not to include humans at all or, since they had to bring in their participation, AT LEAST TRY TO WRITE A STORY LOGICALLY. I understand that many authors are stuck in some kind of teenage "humans are not cool!", especially those who are responsible for the plot of comics, but this does not justify laziness in terms of the plot with people. Even if you were forced, well, at least try to do the job well and efficiently, and do not turn everything into some kind of fan fiction with crushing "stupid and pathetic flesh". It hasn't been entertaining anyone for a long time.

I'm not asking to include humans in every story, but maybe it's possible to try something new for them at least once in more than 30 years of franchise history? Humans are boring just because the authors don't want and don't know how to work with them, that's all.

[sweetpaintedladie]

mmm my spark notes after my first watch of the new anita documentary:

- it was good! i really liked it! loved hearing her story and being able to fit it in between others accounts of the same events. the archival footage was a really great bonus too, as you really almost felt like you knew the family by the end, incredibly intimate. i think her voice is so important in contextualizing so much of the stones history, and one that has been sorely needed in really understanding certain ins and outs of the band, their dynamics, and their music.

- by the same account, i feel as though you really need nuance to understand and watch the film through the appropriate lens. obviously, being anita’s story, it’s skewed towards anita’s perspectives on things. to watch the film is to understand you are seeing an image of anita that has already been slightly altered by time. there’s no discussion of her fascination with nazi propaganda [which is documented elsewhere and widely common knowledge on her], her violent outbursts and manipulative behavior are explained away [also documented rather widely]. obviously these things were inner circle knowledge for a long time, and in the past ten to twenty years have come out for the wider public to know, so her lack of acknowledgment towards them is to be understood - they aren’t flattering and can’t be explained away [even if that’s attempted].

i loved it for finally hearing anita speak on the world she was so instrumental in creating as her own. i think it’s valuable to hear about such a complex and singular woman through her own words, pictures, and videos. i will also be revisiting quite soon, i know that. i think she has an amazing knack for style in her work that make it so engaging and almost intoxicating, drawing you back. one of the most interesting and honest reflections on the stones era that has been given, from someone in the center of the nucleus. i almost wish it was just more of her perspective as opposed to others accounts of what happened around her. but that’s just first watch, maybe i’ll feel different in a while. i still really liked it though !!

[ye-olde-sodor]

Ok so I just found something weird about Ryan and Thomas' classes…

I was looking into the LB&SCR E2s and GNR N2s because I wanted to write some fanfiction with Thomas and Ryan. As I was reading some Wikipedia articles, something caught my eye, and that was the difference in Traction Effort.

In simplest terms, Traction Effort is basically the amount of pushing and shoving forces that an engine has. The higher the number, the more the engine can pull and push. It’s measured in both Kilo-Newtons (kN) and in Pounds Force (Ibf). 1 kN is equivalent to 22.8 Ibf. There is a way to calculate an engine’s Traction Effort but the formula is super complex even in its simplified form and I suck at math. If anyone wants to double check this, be my guest.

So, according to Wikipedia and its subsequent sources, Ryan’s traction effort is 19,945 lbf (88.72 kN). Thomas, meanwhile, has 21,397 lbf (94.78 kN).

If this is accurate to both the E2s and the N2s, then that means that Thomas had nothing to worry about. Thomas is, at least from a traction effort standpoint, the better engine. Yes, there are other factors when determining which engine is better, but Thomas beats Ryan in one of the most important factors, that being how much he can pull and push.

“So Thomas was jealous for no reason? We already knew that, so what’s the point?" Well dear reader, you’d be half right. See, here’s where things get interesting.

I’m sure we all know that the E2s sucked at their job. They were too big to work on the lines they were meant for and had a plethora of other issues. Their small bunkers made them unfit for long distances, and the Second Series (the ones with the extended side tanks that were supposed to replace the first) had an inadequate water supply. Due to these issues, they didn’t last long and they were all withdrawn and scrapped between 1961 and 1963.

What I bet you’d probably figured out by now is that Ryan’s class faired far better than Thomas’ class. While most were withdrawn much sooner than Thomas’ (from 1955 and 1962), they were frequently used and considered reliable. Most of Ryan’s siblings worked at Kings Cross and Moorgate as suburban passenger services, meanwhile the E2s were kept mostly at docks and yards at London Bridge Stations and Victoria and hardly did anything but shunt. On top of all of this, Ryan's class had a much better fuel and water capacity.

Now take all of this info and place it in context of SLOTLT.

Imagine a SLOTLT movie that shows us that Thomas is insecure about his faults despite his numerous rebuilds. Then in comes this fancy new GNR engine that, while slightly weaker than Thomas, can travel farther thus can deliver more trains across Sodor. Now have that same engine show off this ability on Thomas' own branchline. On top of all of that, have everyone brag and comment on how better Ryan is as a passenger train than Thomas. Cut back to Thomas at the construction site hearing about this, and becoming furious (but moreso scared) about Ryan and becomes convinced he's being replaced.

Now imagine Ryan being the one to pull the shipwreck instead of Donald and Douglas. Now Thomas is convinced he's being replaced and either sent away to another railway or sold for scrap.

It's a small fix but it makes such a difference. It helps explain why Thomas becomes so reckless and irritable in the movie and when Sailor John rolls in with Skiff, he feels more willing to help him since "Hey, he bought Skiff, maybe he can buy me if I prove myself to him!"

There are so many other stories we can write using all of this, and you all know damn well I'm gonna abuse the hell out of this lol.

[evelhak]

Hey! So we talked about Kuroko and Haizaki, and now I’m curious in your vision of other Kuroko interactions.

Not shipwise, since I know you only do kagakuro, but in terms of dynamics, what are your fav characters to write Kuroko with?

Lets say, top 3 GoM and top 3 non-Gom?

Oh my friend how you're letting me go nuts again.

May I suggest you get a cup of your favourite drink and maybe some snacks?

Also how do you expect me to choose...? Hmm okay, to make things slightly easier for myself I'll exclude Kagami of course since I've been talking about them a lot already and I also believe I've talked about Momoi at length at least twice in relation to Kuroko so I'll define GOM in the strictest sense for this, but I also won't count either of them as non-GOM haha. I hope that makes sense.

Okay, not surprisingly, I'm going to start with Aomine. I love writing him with Kuroko particularly because when he's at his worst they are absolute poison to each other and they don't really even know it for lot of the time or at least understand why, and that makes for peak relationships drama. (It's complex and I love it.) They have a particular way of feeding each other's weaknesses. When Aomine is stressed out, average Kuroko's communication style and philosophy actually makes him worse in the long run. Also Aomine at his worst makes Kuroko worse. This is because Kuroko's weaknesses at his most stressed resemble some of average Aomine's weaknesses (anxious, lonely and pessimistic) while average Kuroko's optimism and understanding actually give Aomine more room to spiral down because what he's subconsciously looking for is pushback and someone he can trust to practically force him to get it together and average Kuroko is always going to be too accepting for that. However. Here's the cool part. Aomine at his best has some of the strengths of average Kuroko (loyal, secure, taking care of others) which is why when he's getting better he's drawn to Kuroko's typical idealism and particularly when Kuroko is getting worse, Aomine actually steps up, and can empathise with Kuroko at his weakest because while it's a rock bottom for Kuroko it's all actually pretty mundane to Aomine and he can stay quite level-headed about it. Meanwhile Kuroko at his best can direct the same qualities productively as Aomine at his worst does destructively (confidence, independence, stubbornness), and that's why at his best Kuroko appears like he has got the answers Aomine has been looking for after all, because Aomine is actually looking for trust but he needs hard proof for it unlike Kuroko who at his average is just able to trust that things will turn out alright for no particular reason. This is in a nutshell why I love writing the larger scale of their dynamic. It just makes for such interesting plot twists.

Also it's so God damn funny sometimes. Like, I was writing a scene where Kuroko is pretty significantly sick and Aomine is pretty significantly enlightened and although it was a rather serious scene in my story, I just happened to come across a song from some musical that illustrates the inherent comedy of their practically reversed dynamic a 100%.

For contrast here's bit from Kuroko's POV when he had to take care of drunk Aomine:

I just find them hilarious to write and they bring me so much joy.

Then, I suppose the next one will have to be Kise. I just love how they poke at each other's insecurities and how incompatible their communication styles are. You're probably seeing a theme here? I just love it when characters' personalities collide in a way that causes a lot of friction and ultimately provides opportunities for growth, so long as both are eventually willing to go out of their comfort zone. Of course it's only so satisfying because there's so much they can help each other learn, which is true here as well. Kise and Kuroko can both be particularly annoying to each other, because Kise has this habit of putting the burden of interpretation of how serious he is on the other person and that really doesn't work with Kuroko so he's often particularly dismissive of Kise. And while Kise seems like he's bothered by it I think he actually finds it reassuring because it means that with Kuroko he can be as goofy, flirty, needy and attention-seeking as he pleases with zero consequences because Kuroko just deflects it. Obviously Kise actually doesn't want the kind of attention from his friends that he gets from elsewhere, so at his core he doesn't actually feel rejected by Kuroko, he feels quite secure. Meanwhile, I think Kuroko secretly likes the attention he's getting from Kise, because everyone needs some attention. Kise is getting too much so he finds Kuroko relaxing and Kuroko is getting too little so he finds Kise refreshing. And annoying. Because Kuroko actually craves direct and genuine interaction the most, and that's why Kise's way of avoiding it can get really tiresome for him, meanwhile Kise becomes instantly self-conscious and evasive when Kuroko attempts to get some unambiguously genuine expression of feelings out of him (unless they're on the basketball court of course where it's suddenly okay to let things go to your feels). So, as I want to develop their communication I end up writing stuff where Kuroko is quite fed up with their shallow interactions and attempts to get more under Kise's skin, which of course is way too much emotional work for Kise. But it slowly gets better, of course.

A lot of their interactions for me are also based on how Kuroko needs more of Kise's easy breezy "do things for the heck of it and don't think about the deeper meaning" attitude while Kise obviously needs the exact opposite and Kuroko is a great person to make him think about what things he's just doing because it's easy and provides instant gratification, and which things he would actually find meaningful in the long run. Kise has opportunities to make Kuroko less serious and Kuroko has opportunities to make Kise more so. I think Kuroko very much dislikes any shallow or vain feelings that he has and rejects them, but Kise can help him be more comfortable with that part of humanity, while Kise is scared of his deeper feelings, and Kuroko can help him with that instead. So both can find that the feelings they dislike in themselves or make them anxious still have their place and it's better to get acquainted with them.

It takes quite some time for them to get to a point they can understand this because it's obviously not fun trying to consciously work on your insecurities, but when they get there it's really satisfying.

Now I kind of feel like showing this development. So, here are three scene's from Kuroko's POV. Although two of them are with Kagami, but they are talking about Kise.

First one is a conversation on the phone.

About ten chapters later with Kise:

And then about 20 chapters later:

I just wanted to show you because writing this kind of development makes me so excited. (The sport they're talking about is quidditch/quadball.)

The third place is a really tough one because I enjoy writing Kuroko's interactions with every GOM and I think the reason I'm going to have to pick Midorima is actually not because I inherently prefer him, it's because his interactions with Kuroko naturally happen more because he lives closer than Akashi and Murasakibara. But this is how it is because the more I write interactions with characters the more I begin to like them. Kuroko and Midorima are a blast because of their completely opposing conceptualisations of the world. The funny thing is that they might not actually be as opposing as they seem, it's just that they are looking at the same thing from different angles and describing it in language that leads them to believe they disagree more than they do. Yes they also have completely different strategies to getting where they want but maybe it's not as stark as they sometimes seem to believe. This is where the most friction in their relationship comes from and I have done my absolute best to be fair about it, because I am so much more likely to see things in Kuroko's way and I despise horoscopes. So I think another reason I like to write these two so much is that it challenges my objectivity in a particular way.

Anyway, basically Midorima describes fate as something that is above humans while Kuroko basically says you can make your own fate, if you really simplify it.

But. I have these song lyrics in my mind...

"You can plan a pretty picnic, you can pick the perfect time, but you can't expect the weather to be fine".

That thought is still true for both of them. They would both agree to that from their different perspectives. So their views are not actually complete opposites. Just their reactions and how they deal with it, are.

As funny as it sounds, Midorima is actually uncomfortable with the 'supernatural' or abstract unseen realm of things, and that's why he's looking at sources outside of himself to control his thoughts about that which is uncertain. Meanwhile Kuroko can just casually be like "hey what if a meteorite hit the bench" and "cool let's go look for ghosts I've never actually seen one" because he doesn't fear the uncertainty. He is the uncertainty. For Midorima that is his pressure point. Kuroko gets strength from the thought that anything can happen because he feels familiar with and in control of the uncertain, so he believes he can work it to his advantage. For Midorima the idea that anything can happen is daunting because it feels like it pulls the rug from under him and his hard work. He just genuinely doesn't understand that realm of things, much like Kuroko just genuinely doesn't understand cold hard facts and numbers. And that's why they have trouble understanding each other, because they are always approaching things so differently even when they desire the same conclusion.

Anyway. I wanted to do something with Midorima that I felt canon didn't really do. I wanted his way of thinking to get Kuroko off guard and even question his view of reality a little. I wanted Midorima to be able to foresee something about Kuroko because of his strange relationship with fate and I wanted Kuroko to dismiss it because he thinks his way of thinking is above Midorima's. And ultimately Kuroko would be wrong. I thought this would bring more depth to their relationship.

I'm going to show you one key scene in that plot to illustrate some of the tensions in their interactions. This is Kuroko's POV and they are at Suutoku's cultural festival where Midorima is doing fortune-telling from tea leafs.

Alright, that's it for the GOM. I wonder if there's a limit with post length...

Then the others.

Well, there's Ogiwara. And he was not so discussed in depth in canon that I have definitely developed some of his personality on my own. He was obviously contrasted with Kagami and Aomine a lot and explicitly said to have some similarities but the way I see him, he is also similar to Momoi and Kiyoshi in a particular and pretty defining aspect, and that is that he can control the emotional atmosphere of the room. So, while Aomine and Kagami have a lot of physical presence, Ogiwara and these other two characters have a lot of social presence. But the way I see it Ogiwara is also the least manipulative of these examples, pretty chill in the way that he has less of an objective, like it's rarer for him to try to manipulate things to a particular end although he generally could if he wanted to. And I think that's because he mostly just wants everyone to be happy and to have a good time, which aligns well with Kuroko's instincts, so it's no wonder if their friendship was a pretty uncomplicated one before shit hit the fan.

There's actually very little conflict between them in canon that has anything to do with them as individuals. However that's also what makes the relationship kind of stagnant and less interesting because when there's no outside force, then there's nothing about them as people that makes them push each other enough to create the level of conflict and opportunity for growth as there is with some other characters. In some ways that's refreshing, but only as a breath of fresh air. Basically in a story it just makes for nice filler. There isn't enough meat to write for an extended period of time.

That's why, if I wanted to keep Ogiwara in the story in any meaningful way, I had to make something up, and I do enjoy what I came up with. A lot. One key aspect is miscommunication that is due to the fact that although Ogiwara is socially very smooth he doesn't quite understand that Kuroko is actually significantly less so, probably because Kuroko still has emotional intelligence and the ability to match a more a dominant personality (I mean this in a broad sense, not like dominating or something) in a way that makes interaction feel smooth, because the other person is the leading force whether they mean to be or not because Kuroko can pretty much just make it so. (Like in Kagami's case it's more like Kuroko is redirecting a lot of Kagami's emotions so he's not actually dominating it's more like he's Kuroko's 'material' unlike Ogiwara who actually means to lead the interaction.) So, Ogiwara has a habit of implying things, hinting at things, speaking with gestures and believing that Kuroko understands what he's saying, but actually the implications go completely over Kuroko's head. For example, their whole promise: Kuroko didn't understand that more than anything, for Ogiwara it was about staying in touch. Of course facing each other in a game was important and exciting in and of itself, but Kuroko took that way more literally than Ogiwara meant it, and became so single-minded about this one thing he thought his friend wanted from him, that he actually kind of forgot about talking, which led Ogiwara to misinterpreted it as Kuroko not missing their everyday interaction as much as he does. Because Ogiwara thought the implication of their promise was totally clear, while to Kuroko it wasn't. It takes kind of a lot to start seeing why things that are totally clear to one aren't so for another, so they repeat this miscommunication several times and it stretches out into the future so much that it turns out Kuroko's view of their childhood is in some significant ways different from Ogiwara's view of the same events.

Writing more of them together I also found that Ogiwara sees Kuroko in a quite different way from most people and can sometimes say stuff that other people probably wouldn't say:

I'm not saying he's right or wrong, and out of context it may seem like he's undermining the fact that Kuroko didn't have much options, but it's more complicated than that, just too much to explain here. I just put this here because it's interesting contrast to write someone with a little bit different perspective to some things, because his key points with Kuroko have been so different from that of the other characters in the canon timeline which Ogiwara was mostly absent for.

A character whose interactions with Kuroko I actually write way less than I would like is Furihata. Because they have similar temperaments in ways pretty much no other characters do, and I feel they would make the kind of friends who are perfect for peer support and venting to, if either of them could just be a little more proactive about it, but that's the difficulty with a similar temperament, isn't it? It's not just my fault, it's not just that the story is already so bloated from these other relationships, it's that both of them are also going to respect each other's space too much and are generally the type to just sort of let things in relationships develop in their own time. Obviously they both have a lot of drive to make things happen when they need to, but when they don't need to, they are both the type to be more likely to just sit back and watch things develop. So circumstances would need to force them closer to get closer. So far such circumstances happen here and there but not that much. Most often it's Furihata needing emotional support and Kuroko being there, because he has already gone through the same thing. This happens several times in my writing. It takes a while for things to turn the other way around because Furihata is more likely to seek comfort from someone, and Kuroko is more reserved in that way, but once Furihata grows aware of their similarities and differences he also makes more effort to make sure Kuroko knows he can be relied upon too, which fits quite well with Furihata's growth into a captain which is part of my headcanon too.

This is probably his sharpest moment so far, after Seirin's darkest moment in my story. (Kagami's POV)

Then there's Yagi who practically counts as an OC because I've invented like 90% of his personality but I love him so I'm going to talk about him. Yagi is sort of like if Aomine and Furihata fused in some ways. His insecurities come from lack of experience and skills but he reacts to them in a similar way as Aomine to his overwhelming skills, feeling like he's alone and no one can possibly help him. He's more even-tempered and timid, but his negativity comes through in a passive-agressive way and he basically needs someone to kick his butt at all times and he punishes people emotionally if they don't. You can imagine this creates some very intense conflict with Kuroko whose gentle approach to helping Yagi integrate into the team just... doesn't work AT ALL because he's an even harder person for Kuroko to be tough on than Aomine. Kuroko can kick butt when it's Kagami or another openly aggressive person as long as they are not being vulnerable. But Yagi is like... Nope. Nothing is getting through because he wants someone to boss him around but you're supposed to figure that out on your own and Kuroko wants someone who will tell him what they need from him. Match made in heaven right. Well, still it's not hopeless once Kuroko does figure out which string to pull (with the help of Aomine haha). But yeah, it's a minefield. (Not to mention Yagi also starts out as homophobic.) But they do develop when Kuroko realises that he needs something new to help him stay out of sight and Yagi is exactly that because he's radiating negative, passive energy as much as Kagami is radiating positive, active energy so when Kuroko uses both of them he has a double cover as the neutral point between these two energies. But what makes this difficult for Kuroko to figure out is that while Kuroko is technically using Kagami to hide himself he's not using Kagami in a sense that he would need to control him. Kagami is doing what Kagami wants, and Kuroko is using that which Kagami would be doing anyway. But Yagi isn't going to do anything unless someone makes him. It is when Kuroko realizes that Yagi is actually begging to be used, that the game changes. Despite of appearing otherwise Yagi has basically zero ego. He just wants to be useful but he wants other people to tell him how. (Akashi should have used someone like Yagi not Mayu lol.) This was difficult for Kuroko to get, because despite of being as team-oriented as he is, being a shadow was still always a sacrifice for him. Had he been able to he would have wanted to be more "normal". And he still does have enough ego to want to create something for himself and be in control even if it's in a less traditional more subtle way, and he mistakenly believed Yagi would want the same. But Yagi doesn't have that kind of desire. Kuroko is willing to sacrifice himself. Yagi enjoys it. Yagi is a "soldier". Well, in this case, Kuroko is the trickster and Yagi is the rabbit= the star of the magic show who isn't actually doing anything but who things are being done to.

Or...? (Kuroko's POV)

I just love to play with metaphors.

I don't have the best action writing skills to get the most exciting games out of this idea (and a lot of it is probably so out there that it wouldn't even work) but I am actually very proud of how it plays in the interpersonal and metaphorical realm of the story.

Okay. That's it for now. Looks like I didn't run out of space. I hope I managed to keep you interested.

[topazadine]

Common Writing Issues that Reduce Readability

A short little Monday post so that we stop pissing readers off!

Beyond the usual issues that are easily fixed, like typos, there lie a few more pernicious problems that can drag readers out of a story kicking and screaming. Unfortunately, they happen to nearly everyone, no matter their skill level, and must be watched for carefully.

Now, I want to note that I am never attempting to prescribe how you should write. However, I want you to think back to the last time you read something that made you roll your eyes and give up - it's likely that at least one of these problems was present.

Here is the sum-up, and then we'll talk details. I will be showing examples of my own writing that include these deadly sins, so feel free to point and laugh.

Double describing

Overly long sentences

Overexplaining

Head hopping

Again, a big disclaimer.

I can't tell you how to write, this is just my opinion, you are the crafter of your own story, take what you like and leave the rest.

Alright, let's get into it.

Double Describing

Describing the same thing in two different ways right next to one another feels repetitive and annoying; it comes across as self-indulgent, like you're more interested in showing off how smart you are than telling a story. I have been a perennial offender in this, as shown by my story "Beyond Mortal Sight."

Here, I've highlighted the things that were double-described in blue. This includes:

The underworld

Higekiri

The crypt

The room being mostly empty

Pick the strongest descriptor and cut the other ones. You might think that this makes your writing weaker, but it actually strengthens it, as you're not diluting the description and can move along faster.

If you're not sure whether you're double describing, try removing one of the selections and see if you're still describing what you wanted to. Maybe you just need to tweak one of them, but both of them can still stand on their own; in that case, differentiate them more, or move them so that they are not right next to each other in order to provide better emphasis.

Now, sometimes you really do want to linger on a specific description, and that's fine. However, you need to ensure that you're looking at different aspects of the same thing.

I do end up lingering on the moths for a long while, and it doesn't get too repetitive (at least I don't think so) because I'm describing different elements of them.

Overly Long Sentences

The longer a sentence is, the harder it is to emphasize certain things, and the more likely that a reader will get lost aong the way and need to reread things. Of course, we want readers to take our time with the work, but paradoxically, readers are more willing to linger and reread with shorter sentences because they're not getting frustrated and glossing over key elements.

Take a look at this section of my story "A Tale of Two Citadels," which I've been meaning to rework for ages because it has chronic logorrhea. The sheer length of these damn sentences!

Right off the bat, we see that the first sentence blasts past the typical "four lines max" rule. The second one is slightly better, but it still has way too many clauses and can be confusing. The third one can easily be cut up into at least two sentences, maybe three, without losing the rhythm.

When reworked, you can see how much better it flows by the color coding.

The sentences are still complex, but they're more manageable for readers. The longer a sentence, the more difficult it is, and the more likely that your reader will get lost.

At the same time, you do want some complexity and variety in your sentence lengths. These are all about the same length, which can become a bit boring.

If I were really committed to editing this, I'd go further and add some very short sentences too.

Reading your sentences out loud, or using an auto dictation tool, can be very helpful to see whether you're overdoing it with sentence length. If you have to stop to take multiple breaths while reading a single sentence, then it is probably too long.

You can also color-code while you are editing to see whether your sentences are all around the same length. If so, see if you can cut a few of them up.

Overexplaining

This issue often shows up more when we are explaining why something happened, but it can start to feel boring and repetitive. As an example from my story "Shattered Pieces:"

This part happened right after someone was stabbed and, frankly, takes away a LOT of the tension from the story.

Is it really necessary at this exactly this second, when someone is lying on the ground bleeding, to explain why the incident happened? No, it's not. Half of this could be removed and the story would read so much better, like so:

Now we can move to the juicy stuff of Uguisumaru lying on the ground bleeding to death. Much more important.

A crucial element of writing is to reveal details as they become important, not before. This doesn't mean hiding things from your reader, nor throwing in things at random whenever you feel like; rather, it's about not forcing your reader to do the work of holding onto this information in the hopes that it will become important at some later time.

Is what Mikazuki thinking about here really that important to the overall story? No, we don't need that information. Maybe they can talk about it later, or maybe it will never be discussed.

Now, a quick sidetrack about foreshadowing here. Great foreshadowing works by not feeling like toil and by not beating the reader over the head with the information. They pick up on it, but they don't feel like they need to hold onto it. Careful foreshadowing sprinkled throughout a story feels effortless and natural, without imposing a cognitive load on the reader.

As I've mentioned before when discussing fantasy in general, we do not want our reader to feel like they are doing work. Few of us are at the level of someone like Mark Z. Danielewski, where we can create a book that is all about doing work but readers will still enjoy it because it is that entertaining. (I did not like House of Leaves personally, but that's just me.)

Therefore, our goal is to reduce friction as much as possible while still developing a fun, compelling, thought-provoking piece of fiction. We do this by avoiding infodumping, as I did in that above passage, and revealing information as it becomes important without seeming like things just come out of nowhere. That's where foreshadowing becomes crucial.

Head Hopping

This one is discussed often, but it's also really easy to accidentally do when you're working in third-person limited (my preferred POV). In small cases of dipping into someone else's head, it doesn't really cause concern for the reader, who might not even notice it, but it does make it harder to keep track of the main POV.

It's also important not to dip too often into peoples' heads while you're doing omniscient POV, either. Here, in this segment of "Dreams Within Dreams," we have at least four partial POVs, which I have color coded:

This is technically fine for an omniscient POV, but dipping into too many heads too quickly can become overwhelming and exhausting for the reader. Thankfully, it is an easy fix by simply removing the assumptions of judgment and focusing entirely on the actions.

I mean, it's still not the greatest writing, but we have a more opaque, birds-eye view of everyone, rather than constantly jumping in and out of everyone's head.

This is especially hard not to do when you have numerous characters all together in one scene, which is why it is often easier to avoid having a huge group of individuals together, especially if you're not confident in your skills yet.

The more characters you juggle, the more you need to ensure that you're not leaving anyone out and that everyone gets at least one line without it feeling choppy. This scene definitely could have used a lot more work so as to feel more natural. But that's the joy of fanfiction! It's all about learning and growing as a writer.

Nowadays, I try to limit my scenes to two "main" talkers and then add at least one line for other side characters if I have a big group, but I specify that they're off doing something else so people don't wonder where the hell they went.

And that's about it for today! Again, my posts are never about telling you how to write. I am sharing what I have learned as both a reader and writer so that you can make the choices that best fit your story. Happy writing!

If you enjoyed this, perhaps you'll consider purchasing my book, 9 Years Yearning, a gay coming-of-age romance set in a fantasy world. Which does not include any of these sins. Only $2.99 or ZERO DOLLARS with Kindle Unlimited!

If you're not sure about spending your hard-earned money, check out this review to learn more.

[nothing-suspicious-in-there]

Slightly more dramatic than necessary for what we know so far, but still, maybe it will finally deliver on some more Good Koga Trauma as I hoped it would, to make this drama look more appropriate.

The way this is going has the potential to address a number of less-than-ideal things that i had an issue with in this manga, even if nothing big enough to make me stop reading a story I understand to be casual:

After the renewed attention given to Koga not studying, and then this I start to have hope that I can engage with this story on a slightly higher ground than just cute gay fluff. (Slighlty, it's still a romance manga not fucking. utena or something. but my expectations are so low nowadays that the co-occurrence of something I like also being decently written is akin to a miracle to me.)

So I'm not raising my hopes too much, but potentially these things would be real good if they happened (so Incredibly basic I feel dumb by typing them out like it's complex analysis, but again my bar is low):

Small setups

First of all a number of things that happened casually in the last few chapters seemingly without much bigger significance about them or seemingly solved could be leading up to this and make matters worse.

We have Koga having a dramatic moment of being jealous of herself. All very irrational and silly. But it's clearly been shown to be rooted in trauma (that again I hope it'll explore better to give it more weight than it currently has, it's very vague and not well defined enough to keep up these moments of drama as effectively as it should.) This clearly serious moment for her is created and resolved in the span of 3 4-pages chapters, barely anything.

Many previous plot points that have been raised simply get "resolved" extremely quickly and/or easily like this one, or her social anxiety, her feeling of not belonging, her bad grades, aya fearing koga will relocate. In an episodic story where the author is not concerned with exploring stuff or giving it time to stew or a realistic length for its resolutions. it means the story is just like that, it's a matter of what you like and want to write. And I personally don't enjoy this episodic-ness as much as the alternative.

In a story concerned with having satisfactory earned resolutions and a long development, those issues are shelved for later use, and given the last chapters I'd really hope the author is showing that she's writing the latter type of story, since it's what I prefer. Having a dramatic moment with Koga and then telling us it's resolved in .5 seconds without exploring it deeply just feels like a missed opportunity for me and I'd love if this and other small details would come together to do just that.

The fact that her social problems are resolved so anti-climatically is. fine for a casual story, but it would be more juicy if they were not solved as easily as just her hanging out with a couple more people, since the story is also trying to sell me that these issues are pretty bad and somewhat traumatic in nature. Maybe this will go somewhere more interesting now that it's getting de-shelved, and hopefully it wasn't supposed to be a neat and tidy resolution before.

The last fer chapters also has a very small undercurrent that I could have done without, specifically something like that small aya remark on how she likes Koga in the girls' uniform while knowing full well Koga's not into it (not Aya's fault, but also not ideal to say to a butch lol), or the fact that Koga's clearly-serious-if-still-irrational-and-obviously-dumb fear on how she's not really why aya keeps hanging out with her was "resolved" by being dismissed as a dog whining for attention. I myself made Mirror Dog Comic jokes literally the second i finished chapter 76, the story doing that joke themselves was funny and Koga's hilariously wrong ofc, but also huh, then the dog joke went on for like 3 chapters and idk. With how it was all framed it doesn't give off the best respect-for-the-character-vibes specifically because it's also framed as the result of some serious issues.

I always thought that this manga, unlike some other stuff, kinda give the impression it respected its butch character enough, or butchness in general, none of that "haha let's give the butch character girly clothes and laugh at how uncomfortable they are lol" manga loves. She does dumb shit and is called out for that, but she feels like an actual person, neither a complete dumbass nor the coolest person on earth. Recently though there was this slight movement toward "what a dumbass" in a way that doesn't feel earned and clashes against the subtext of why she's acting like that, this or the thing with aya just randomly saying she likes her in the girls' uniform were kinda strange. I'd really like if this is less of a falling into bad habits with depicting butch characters and more a setup for what'll happen after the end of this chapter, adding to the pile of things thanks to which Koga will feel misunderstood.

The premise

Another thing that developing her trauma does is solving an half-issue that has been there since the start of this manga and is kinda a problem of this type of premise unless you do a really good job at making sure to solve it. When you're writing a standard romance story where two people are, more or less, still supposed to get together in the end and You the audience are supposed to Want them to get together, it's important to not write the story in such a way that makes the audience Not want them together. And when you're writing a story where one of the person, knowing full well they're doing this, lies about significant aspects of themselves and who they are while also trying to pursue a non-casual relationship with them either platonic or romantic with no sufficient excuse about why they're doing it, you're writing one of the two people the audience needs to be on board with being together just. Being an Asshole. Full stop.

Especially if they know the other person have a crush on them, they see each other in another setting (school) and have no indication to believe they are not straight, but that last thing would make no difference about them still lying. Unless you give that character enough of a reason on why they can't but do that, if they have any freedom to not lie to who they want to be friend and/or partner with, they are fullstop an asshole who you don't in any way want to get together with the other person in the end. (I'm talking about normal romance plots and their audience, not toxic romance stories and their audience, which by definition need the opposite to happen to get the story they want ofc).

All manga I previously read with the same premise as kinioto had this issue, which honestly I don't think it's that wild to understand and correct, but apparently it is lol. So kinioto fortunately is at least miles away better in this regard for a number of reasons, but it's not exactly perfectly ideal either because while it does try to set up an excuse for koga to act this way and it's technically a solid one, for now it has been expressed in very vague and wishy-washy ways that don't sit as well with me.

We have an entire bonus chapter about Koga being bullied for her gender non-conformity with Ryhthm B, which would give her a very solid case against being an asshole (she's just a temporary and involuntarily one.) If the issue is that she was very afraid that, by saying the truth, aya would not care to keep being friends and would had no reasons to keep to herself Koga's gender-nonconformity, so Koga was afraid of the consequences of the whole school knowing, plus the story telling me there's trauma in there, her lack of any other platonic relationships and loneliness, general self-worth issues, being Gay(tm) and wanting to interact with aya, but also still looking only for a platonic relationship (or it'd be way way worse to justify), and being a teenager with no idea about what she's doing, it's a reasonable amount of leeway.

None of this excuses Koga from lying to Aya but it does paint a picture of her not Being an asshole, just accidentally acting asshole-y, which give her the opportunity to stop not too long after they become friends, repair the damage and do better later.

Another thing it does right is that Aya is Pissed when she finds out, and for good reason. It's still kinda eh that she's doing a 180 so quickly after the school concert and I'd have preferred if she had more time to reflect but still, at least the story says it was fucked up and aya is obviously angry at being lied to constantly by someone that knew she had a crush on them and that Aya thought Koga was a guy but said nothing while pretending to be said guy. There was no romantic relationship previous to this, they were just starting to be friends, and Koga asks her to start anew with their friendship after doing something she was terrified of doing as goodwill. Works fine enough in these circumstances.

Given it's very crucial that one of your protagonists doesn't become an asshole accidentally while you write it's important for Koga's motivation to lie to be sufficient to bear the weight of this premise. And until know she only vagued about being afraid Aya would not want to be friends with her, a very dumb thing to say since if you're lying 1. she's not actually friends with You, 2. she won't want to be friends once she eventually finds out, and if she's in the position of not finding out she's barely a friend, more like a casual acquaintance. The reasons Koga gives to why she's afraid of saying the truth doesn't do enough to escape the asshole allegations, it's either she's an asshole or she's Dumb of Ass in a way that's not well-written trauma induced and it's just random Idiot Ball induced. As I said Rhythm B thankfully starts to give a solid reason on why she would want to lie, but while I can infer it from there, this is too crucial of a point to leave only as a subtext sorta-text vague contradictory thing, and I need it to be fleshed out more so that it's unmissable that that's the reason she's lying, and that said reason is solid. If now there'll be any exploration of her issues we may be getting this clarity that would retroactively solve this half-issue for me.

Ok I'll stop typing about shit we don't even know will happen, peace

[nomatterwhatnomatterwhere]

(Hustle) Like an Underdog II

prev

You wouldn't have called yourself an avid reader; it wasn't as if you never touched a book that wasn't scholastic, but it also wasn't as if the bookstore next door gave you the award for most frequent visitor or most profitable customer.

You don't call yourself an avid reader because you don't have a collection of books piled on top of each other on your nightstand waiting to be read; you don't sort books by color, height, or genre; you even happen to write in them sometimes, on books.

All things that horrify readers-the real ones, the ones who have the complete collection in different adaptations, the ones who can tell you the story behind the publication, the ones who know the author's life story inside out.

You were never interested in those things.

Reading was just another pastime, a way to keep yourself busy when you were bored and didn't quite know how to use your free time.

Sometimes, however, when you thought a book was worthy enough of your attention, you didn't even realize how much time was passing while you were reading and you were captivated by the story.

You don't have a favorite genre because any genre may be worthy of your attention, just as one genre specifically may not be enough to keep your interest high or may lead you to ignore other genres you might like.

Kind of like people.

To be appreciated or not, a book needs time and attention to be given to it, only then can you tell whether what you have read is the "novel of a lifetime"-the one you always suggest when asked what book to read-, a "boring and predictable nineteenth-century detective story"-the murderer is the butler and you figured that out from page 12-or a "frustrating romcom that relies on poor communication skills"-this one ended up in the fireplace burning.

Kind of like people: they need time to be understood even a little bit.

But people, unlike books, change, so the process of understanding a person is slightly different from understanding a book, regardless of whether it is "The Little Prince" or "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Sometimes when you reread a book after not having read it for a long time, you notice things that you wouldn't have noticed at all when you first read it. It's not just the little foreshadowings of the plot that you recognize because you already know how the book will end, it's a different level of reading than before: if before you had only enjoyed, more or less, the story, now you understand the story and its motivations.

This does not happen because the book has changed in the time that you have not read it.

This happens because you have matured in that time that you did not read that book.

To understand a person you need time, but that person changes with the passage of time itself.

Being able to understand the human psyche is a rather interesting and complex skill to use despite the fact that it can be achieved in a simpler way than you think.

You just have to be able to read and know the different levels of reading.

Read their little ticks, the ones they are not even aware of, microexpressions or changes in tone. The way their eyes may light up when an interest of theirs is mentioned or how they will avoid eye contact when they are embarrassed and want to change the subject.

It is something that takes time, but when you work ardently for something you always get results. Maybe on the first try they won't be great results, but they will improve with time.

Time is a relative concept, and one does not need to know the theory of relativity to understand this fact.

Man is a bizarre animal: he has established how universally the flow of time should be measured, but this flow is perceived differently by everyone according to the events in our lives that we deem important or memorable.

Between the end of the first and the beginning of the second selection you had felt that time was running too fast for you to be able to do everything you needed to do.

You had gone through all the data of the surviving existences and noted their improvements, pointing out where they still needed to improve, their speed of adaptation, and how they could make the most of their potentials under their current conditions.

All this was then checked and reviewed by Ego, who always added something to your observations; once Ego approved them, the documents were passed on to Anri san. Once in Anri san's hands, the data were entered into the software that the boys would use in the first stage of the second selection.

In addition to that Ego had updated you on the Wild Card, which was what you considered his Side Project, but which you were not sure you could call a Plan B.

You knew from the beginning of the BlueLock Project that there was this Wild Card, but other than the fact that some sort of repechage of some players would take place, you did not know in what manner it would be done.

When Ego gave you the Wild Card guidelines the first selection was still in progress, albeit in its final stages, and you did not quite understand what Ego expected you to do. Initially you thought you would simply have to pass more papers to Anri san, then you realized that Ego expected you to act on that Side Project, and so between 'player analysis you found yourself sketching out something for the project.

You were not totally satisfied with your work, you could definitely do better, but apparently your basis for the project was solid enough for Ego, which was already a great satisfaction for you. Any person with any knowledge of soccer history-so not the boorish existences participating in the project-knows how much Jinpachi Ego strives for perfection in his projects.

You didn't know when the Wild Card was going to be integrated into the Blue Lock Project, you just knew that Ego had taken your fundamentals and elevated them to their fullest potential, and that worried you a little in truth: from your point of view, you had already been quite rigid in your ideas, and knowing that they had been made even more difficult made it difficult for you not to worry about the possible consequences that the repossessed players might face.

From time to time you had also found yourself acting as an assistant to Anri san, who between meetings to go to, meetings to arrange, and various personnel to contact seemed to have no respite. You had answered a few phone calls and negotiated a couple of meeting dates, nothing extraordinary, but Anri san seemed grateful for the help.

It had seemed to you that the time between the first and second selection had passed too quickly, but for the surviving existences you were pretty sure it had been an eternity.

Training without being able to touch the ball must have been comparable to torture for those existences that had little footballs in their heads instead of neurons, when they were thinking about something instead of the gears turning you could hear the footballs crashing into each other.

You had seen how that bunch of mainly pathetic existences had entered the hall for the start of the second selection: A bunch of zombies in a bad apocalyptic movie were more graceful than they were.

There were existences, some of which you could almost have called tragic, that still possessed some grace or some form of charisma, but most of the "lumps of talent" were really in a pathetic condition.

Had that training exhausted them that much? Then they were even weaker physically than you had anticipated.

It had been funny to see how everyone had been surprised by Itoshi Rin's presence. You weren't sure what was funnier: the reaction to his "warm-up"? The fact that he hadn't made the slightest fuss about starting the second phase? The realization that he was Itoshi Sae's little brother?

Overall, his entrance had been intriguing, exactly as you expected him to be.

After Rin had officially kicked off the second selection, the other amoeboid existences had remembered they existed and started walking through the doors, but your eyes had been fixed on Team Z for a while.

How could you look away when those idiots had decided to use Chinese morra to decide the order of entry for the selection?

The imbeciles had taken Ego's concept of selfishness too seriously and in the wrong situation.

The first step of the second selection was what in your head you had called " imprisonment."

It was not as if the Blue Lock itself could not be considered a prison, but for you those 90 minutes had been endless and tiring and at times even boring.

You already had half an idea of who would make the best of "Imprisonment," you had watched them all during the first selection and had not been surprised in the rapidity of some subjects in evolving their individual skills during the first stage.

"Imprisonment" had two main purposes to make it obvious to the pathetic existences how incapable they were in the absence of other truly capable players and to actually improve the physical performance of the players who had figured out how to turn 0 into 1 and make the most of their abilities and potential.

You had tried to observe more or less everyone, but if for some it had taken only a few glances now and then to realize that their neuron-balls and reactions were working well and improving rather expeditiously, for others you got a headache from watching them repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

And then there was Shidou Ryusei, who was certainly trying hard to annoy you, taking longer than you had budgeted to finish the first Stage.

The demon-as he had been named by his fellow students in the building-had come to socialize with you before you had even decided it was worthwhile to relate to the pathetic existences, and, despite the bad temper and questionable moral ethics, he had not made you the least bit uncomfortable.

He was one of the few people in his building who used the monitor room, and every time he watched the games he really looked like a kid who had been given his favorite candy.

He was adorable, if you put aside his being a foul-mouthed.

From your point of view, he had a major behavioral flaw: he did whatever he wanted, heedless of what he was told. He had a code of ethics, but you had yet to fully decipher it. On the soccer field, however, he was one of the best players in the Blue Lock and had earned hands down a place among your favorites; not that you would have admitted it in front of him, he was self-centered enough as it was.

He had approached you, trying to strike up a conversation, but with little result: you were having dinner in the cafeteria of his building at a really awful hour, but you had waited for the pathetic existences to dislodge from the room, and yet, after only a few minutes the chair next to you had been occupied by a very tanned guy with a shit-eating grin on his face who had continued to stare at you while you were eating and then had followed you around the building trying to have some sort of conversation.

The situation had remained the same for quite a while; when he didn't have matches or wasn't training, he would wander around the building until he found you and then continue to follow you around, trying to get you to talk to him, failing miserably.

Until your meeting with Bachira.

From there you began to answer some of Shidou's questions and even some of his flirtations; it seemed to amuse him and somehow you would dare say excite him. Of the boys you had socialized with in the Blue Lock he was the most affectionate of all, leaning on you at every opportunity and circumstance, pouting when you ignored him.

At one point he had started calling you 'Babydoll.'

And you were definitely confused by that.

Shidou was attractive, there was no point in denying it, and probably outside of Bluelock he was used to smooth flirting-and you were pretty convinced he did it pretty well, too-but the fact that he was asking you out seemed more like a playful joke than a real possibility.

It wasn't that you were ugly, but you weren't the prettiest girl in the world either; you considered yourself to be within the norm, and indeed, living in BlueLock you realized that there were much prettier guys within the project than you could ever aspire to be.

This is not a way of underestimating you, it is an objective thing… moreover, you are particularly idiotic when it comes to possible romantic relationships: you don't consider yourself a person who is so much worthy of attention so you find it hard to believe that said attention could be directed to you as a person - given your questionable character - when there are so many other people in the world who are surely nicer and more pleasant than you, and you often don't notice at all the effect you can have on others.

Kind of like what happened with Shidou; the fact that no one else in his building approached you is because the little camp demon somehow called dibbs on you and the other players care about having their limbs intact.

Not that you have heard that

The formation of teams of three was something quite interesting, especially when most existences had nothing to rely on but their prior knowledge.

You had identified three decision paths

1 ) Rely on your rational side

It is definitely unnatural to choose someone whom you have never seen in action and whose capabilities you do not know : they may have passed the first stage, but it may also have been luck-as it was for many survivors-and not having an objective demonstration of someone else's capabilities, it was much safer for your own survival to choose someone familiar.

This was the path most wannabe-players had chosen; you didn't have much to laugh at : it was a safe tactic, boring and obvious, but safe.

2 ) I don't care ( as long as I shine).

Then there were those who didn't care so much who they formed a Team with, as long as they kept going through the selection process.

Rin and Barou were two clear examples, although the outcomes of their Teams were markedly different, partly because of the way they played ( as well as their character on the field)

3 ) I want something extra

These were the cases that fascinated you the most: they were players who, though it may not have seemed like it, had analyzed those around them and decided accordingly. Two totally opposite examples were Shidou and Kurona, who regardless of everything and everyone had a way of playing that made them good elements for any group

( although Shidou was unmanageable on the field if they did not do as he said)

Seishirou Nagi was a mix between 1 and 3, but you couldn't say you expected otherwise: he was a being who was easily bored and needed stimulation to continue, and Isagi was the one who had interested him in soccer.

You should have seen how Reo would fare; you expected this situation, it would come sooner or later, even if it came slightly earlier than expected for you.

When you had seen Igaguri ask Shidou to join him you had begun to laugh in a way that worried Anri san

"That imbecile has no idea what awaits him" was what Anri understood between laughs.

Igaguri had been used to being the tail end of the team since he arrived and was probably the most aware of his shortcomings and the incredible luck he had had in making it through the second selection; seeing someone lower than him must have given him a modicum of hope in his meager abilities.

What he did not know was that yes, Shidou was the 111 player to complete the first Stage, but it was only because the little demon was playing "let's annoy BabyDoll."

" You know, you shouldn't live this situation as if you were an extra."

You had been sitting on the floor, with your back against the bed, not thinking that Reo would be pleased to see you saying these things to him: he would see it as a paltry act of pity toward him, which it was not, but when we are hurt we tend to get carried away by our emotional and dramatic side.

Before entering the room, you had felt like half a stalker: prowling around the dorms to make sure Reo didn't collapse in on himself over the situation with Nagi

"That's right, Nagi left you behind because your kick was no longer working. That's not a bad thing. Neither for you, nor especially for you,"

you had turned your gaze to the ceiling, your head resting on the mattress.

"So what?" you heard the decidedly annoyed tone " Should I have wished him good luck? ' Find your kick without me?" he forgot about our promise."

You had heard him approach the edge of the bed, so much so that you could see his legs out of the corner of your eye

"Um, I know you don't want to hear this, but you both have to find your kick without the other, otherwise you won't be able to advance. Besides, I doubt that Nagi can forget anything about you. Try to improve for when you face him."

You stood up, ready to leave but at the last moment you turned toward him and found him staring at you

"You know, for what it's worth, I like you more than Isagi, but his soccer has this absurd and unfair ability to attract others to himself, so see if you can commit to it if you want to win back Nagi's interest."

He chuckled slightly "Is that all?"

"No, not really. I hate it when my expectations turn out to be wrong, so keep that in mind. Oh! While we're at it, will you have lunch with me?

The Nagi - Isagi vs. Barou - Naruhaya match had been less interesting than you had expected.

It was not as if it had not been an interesting match, but given the history you had expected more.

In a rather disconcerting way Naruhaya had surprised you, not in a good way.

The first thing Ego had explained to all the players in the buildings had been to aim to defeat whomever they deemed to be superior; it had literally been the first thing.

The fact that Naruhaya had ignored this concept could only make it obvious that he would not survive for long in the Blue Lock; it was not wrong to say that Isagi was a mediocre player, but Isagi had evolved but had an innate ability to adapt and ample room for improvement; Naruhaya had not undergone much evolution and his room for improvement was rather limited.

Of course, Naruhaya's strategy is not wrong no matter what; in some cases, in order to survive, one targets the weakest link in the situation.

The Blue Lock does not fit into any possible case.

"You can't be serious Babydoll!"

Shindou had rested his chin on your shoulder as he hugged you from behind, and was looking at you with that hangdog air you were pretty sure didn't belong to him.

"Sure enough, I am. If you want to keep being here, you can't keep beating up everyone who doesn't want to play against you "

Already by the second Stage Shindou had gotten into the bad habit of roughing up anyone who didn't want to fight against his team, and it was bordering on the ridiculous.

"If you keep sending so many players to the infirmary Ego will put you in Time-Out and no one will be able to help you."

At that moment you had felt his grip tighten a little more as he leaned more on you

"So you are worried about me" she had said it smiling and you had not denied it.

You were really worried about him but you were also worried about the project. If Shidou had eliminated players for physical incapacity before the actual disqualification according to the project rules, you predicted there would be a problem, but if omitting this thought would make the little demon a little more manageable you would not have complained.

"Promise me," you had said it in the most serious way possible.

"BabyDoll ! " he had pulled away slightly to look into your eyes, as if assessing your words

"If I hear that you beat someone again I will start to ignore you completely."

That seemed to have done the trick, as the boy had nodded his head and gone back to squeezing you

Since your conversation with Reo, you had started to spend more time with him and consequently with Chigiri and Kunigami.

The latter had even asked you if it was ethical for you to almost always watch their training and give them some indirect tips.

You had asked yourself this question, too, and finally came up with an answer

"I'm here to monitor your improvements, and if I happen to think out loud, it's just to make you aware of your condition. It's not that I provide you with analyses of your possible opponents"

It was true, your role here was to collect any kind of data you thought was important, but you were not told anything about not sharing some information with the boys as well.

Ego did it too, he was more incomprehensible than you, but maybe he could do it because he was the creator of the project? Well, if it was a problem, he should have told you clearly from the beginning that the information could not be shared with the pathetic existences, but you were never told that.

You were the one who considered that information "confidential", but that was not a given.

You liked being with them; Chigiri and Reo had already had a chance to form an opinion of you, Kunigami on the other hand was still a kind of 'blank canvas'.

You liked him. He was generally one of those personalities that were nice to be around, and you didn't really expect him to accept an invitation to such an establishment; he was an egoist who played fair.

He was endearing to you, he was a nice person, you would have been very sorry if he had lost that way about him. So for the first time in your life you were probably afraid of something.

It wasn't just fear, it was concern.

It was stupid, but this feeling had been with you since the three had told you about the meeting with Isagi's team. No matter how the match would end, you knew that the result would leave a bitter taste in your mouth.

You had grown fond of Reo, Chigiri, and Kunigami, but the opposing team had what you considered to be your favorite player in BlueLock, and two geniuses whose path you would have liked to see.

You knew there would only be one winner in the end, but it was still too early.

Moreover, there was still Shidou in the Matching Gate of the Two Teams, and you feared for those who would face him. Due to this situation, you had deliberately avoided watching the clash between the two teams, at least in real time.

You knew that you would have to analyze it sooner or later. But for once, you wanted to put it off, at least until the bad feeling in the pit of your stomach had subsided.

[sicknessbysalem]

wait i want to meet mercury! is there any fics in the works right now for him? i love meeting new character, plus i think it would be interesting to see how julian or saylor (whoever is most likely) look after him. if you want to write that, please do!!

oh i love mercury! he’s one of my favorites (and one of my oldest ocs, mind you. in terms of how long i’ve had him.)

i decided on both saylor and julian but used a lot of this fic to introduce mercury and add some more lore into their story.

if you have any more requests, questions, comments, concerns, etc., send them my way!

tw emeto, panic attacks, anxiety, i think that’s it?

Mercury had been tossing and turning for what felt like hours, unable to find a comfortable position. His stomach felt unsettled, a gnawing discomfort that he couldn't quite pinpoint.

It wasn't painful, exactly—just a persistent, uneasy feeling that something wasn't right. Maybe from dinner, maybe because he was tored, maybe becauae he’d been laying awake for hours and the last time he put something in his stomach except water was close to eight hours ago. Mercury didn’t know, and he hated it.

As a mechanical engineering student, Mercury was used to dealing with complex problems, but this was one he couldn't figure out. He finally gave up on sleep, pushing his covers aside and sitting up slowly, hoping that the change in position might help. Maybe he could study, maybe he could do something.

The room was dark, the only light coming from the faint glow of the digital clock on his desk.

2:13 AM. Too early to be awake, but too late to be doing anything about it.

Mercury sighed and ran a hand through his disheveled hair, trying to shake off the fog of sleep that still clung to him.

As he sat there, the uneasy feeling in his stomach began to worsen. A cold sweat broke out across his skin, and he felt a strange, unsettling sensation in the back of his throat.

His heart rate picked up, a sense of urgency creeping in. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, swaying slightly as a wave of dizziness hit him.

Something was definitely wrong.

Mercury made his way to the bathroom, his steps unsteady. He opened the door quietly, not wanting to wake Julian or the others in the suite. The bathroom light was harsh, and he squinted against it as he stepped inside, closing the door softly behind him.

At first he closed the door and leaned against it, taking a few deep breaths. Maybe standing would help, maybe splashing some cold water on his face out, maybe he had some medicine to help, but help what?

He wasn't sure what he expected to happen, but as soon as he saw the toilet, his body seemed to make the decision for him.

Without warning, his stomach clenched violently, and he was suddenly overcome with the need to vomit. He barely had time to drop to his knees before the first wave of sickness hit him, his body lurching forward as he retched into the toilet.

The force of it surprised him, and he gasped between heaves, his throat burning as the acidic taste filled his mouth. He hadn’t expected to vomit, and it was so sudden…

His body continued to convulse, each retch more intense than the last. He felt his stomach pull in and if he focused hard enough he could feel the acid and remains of dinner move up from his gut into his throat. He clung to the rim of the toilet, his knuckles white as he tried to steady himself.

Despite his best efforts to be quiet, the sound of his retching echoed in the small bathroom. Mercury tried to stifle the noise, but his body betrayed him, the sickness too sudden and overwhelming to control. Luckily, he was never a loud vomiter, not like Julian for sure. But there was a lot, and he was sure his ability to somewhat control how much noise he was making would wear off.

His stomach seemed intent on expelling everything, leaving him weak and trembling as he continued to vomit, coughing a few times as his body wasn’t sure what to do exactly.

Julian, lying in his bed on the other side of the shared wall, stirred at the sound of movement. In his half-asleep state, he assumed it was one of their suitemates using the bathroom and dismissed it, turning over to try and get back to sleep.

The muffled noises didn't fully register with him, his mind too groggy to make the connection that something might be wrong.

Back in the bathroom, Mercury's body finally began to relent, the retching slowing down as his stomach emptied itself. He panted heavily, resting his forehead against his palm, the cool porcelain of the toilet digging into his elbow.

His whole body felt shaky, and he could feel the cold sweat clinging to his skin. The suddenness of it all left him disoriented and drained.

He stayed there for a moment, gathering what little strength he had left before reaching for the toilet handle and flushing. The sound seemed louder than usual in the quiet of the night, and he winced as it echoed in the small space.

Mercury leaned back, sitting on the cool tile floor and resting his head against the wall toward their room, trying to steady his breathing. He couldn’t stay here. He had to move, back to bed.

His stomach still felt unsettled, but the worst seemed to be over. He closed his eyes, trying to process what had just happened. He hadn't been feeling well, but he hadn't expected to get sick so suddenly. Whatever was going on, it wasn't good, and he knew he needed to figure out what was wrong.

For now, though, all he could do was sit there, too drained to move, hoping that the worst of it was over.

-

The morning sunlight filtered through the curtains as Julian made his way to the small kitchenette in their suite, rubbing the last remnants of sleep from his eyes.

He still felt groggy, the early hour and the remnants of a strange dream hanging over him. The memory of hearing something in the bathroom during the night lingered, but in the light of day, it seemed less significant.

He got ready. A shower, brushed his teeth, changed. He’d knocked on Alex and Tyler’s door to see if they were up, and when they didn’t seem to be he simply continued on.

Julian glanced at Mercury’s bed. His roommate wasn’t there, which was strange. But all of his class stuff were gone, so Julian figured he was in the lab early or in the library, maybe the dining hall if he was lucky.

Julian didn’t see him in the dining hall as he grabbed some fruit. Alex and Tyler came over to get their breakfast too, looking equally tired but ready to face the day.

"Morning, guys," Julian greeted them with a yawn.

"Morning," Alex replied, running a hand through his messy hair. Tyler nodded in greeting as he headed to the coffee maker, clearly in need of caffeine.

As they all settled into the routine of their morning, Julian couldn't help but think back to the noise he had heard in the middle of the night.

It had sounded like someone was in the bathroom for a while, but it had been too muffled for him to be sure. He glanced up at Alex and Tyler, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Hey, did either of you get up in the middle of the night?" Julian asked, trying to sound casual. "I thought I heard someone in the bathroom, for like… ever.”

Alex shook his head, reaching for a granola bar. "Nope, I slept like a rock. Didn't get up at all."

Tyler, now sipping on his coffee, furrowed his brow in thought. "Yeah, I don't think I got up either. I was out cold until my alarm went off."

Julian frowned slightly, swirling his spoon around in his cereal. "Weird. I must have imagined it, or maybe it was someone across the hall."

"Maybe," Alex shrugged, not thinking much of it. "Could've been anything. You were probably just half-asleep and heard something."

Julian nodded, trying to brush off the lingering feeling of unease. "Yeah, probably. I just remember hearing something. Maybe it was a dream."

The conversation shifted to more mundane topics as they continued with breakfast, but Julian couldn't fully shake the thought from his mind.

It had felt real, but with Alex and Tyler both saying they hadn't been up, he figured it was just his mind playing tricks on him. Still, the memory of the muffled noises lingered, like an itch he couldn't quite scratch.

As the morning went on, Julian tried to focus on the day ahead, pushing the strange event to the back of his mind.

Mercury hadn't been around yet. Julian made a mental note to check in with him later. For now, he had classes to get to, and there was no point in dwelling on what was likely nothing.

But as he gathered his things and prepared to leave, a small part of him couldn't help but wonder if there was more to it. The feeling was fleeting, easily dismissed in the bustle of the morning, but it lingered just enough to keep him on edge.

-

Mercury sat at his desk, his hands gripping the edges of the table as he tried to focus on the lecture. The words of the professor seemed to blur together, fading in and out of his consciousness.

His stomach churned relentlessly, each wave of nausea growing stronger than the last. It had been bad enough when he woke up in the middle of the night, but now, in the harsh light of day, the sickness felt ten times worse.

He had forced himself to attend the class he shared with Saylor, determined not to fall behind.

Mechanical engineering was demanding, and missing even one class, whether it was a required class for all students or a class required for his program,could set him back.

But as he sat there, struggling to keep his head up, Mercury was beginning to realize that pushing through might not have been the best idea.

Saylor sat a few seats away, her focus mostly on the lecture, but every now and then, she would glance at Mercury, sensing that something was off.

He was usually so focused in class, but today he seemed distant, his skin pale and clammy. She noticed how he kept swallowing hard, his Adam's apple bobbing as if he was trying to keep something down.

It wasn't like him to look so unsteady, but Saylor decided to keep her thoughts to herself, not wanting to embarrass him by asking if he was okay in front of everyone.

Mercury tried to concentrate on the professor's words, but his body was betraying him. His head throbbed with a dull ache, his vision occasionally blurring as he fought to stay present.

The lights in the room felt too bright, piercing through his skull and adding to his discomfort. He could feel the sweat trickling down the back of his neck, his shirt sticking to his skin in a way that made him feel even more trapped in his own body.

His stomach twisted violently, and he gritted his teeth, trying to force the sensation back down. Each breath was a struggle, the air feeling too thick as he tried to steady himself. His hands trembled slightly, and he clenched them into fists, hoping that the tightness would ground him somehow.

Saylor saw that. Maybe he was anxious. She knew Mercury had social anxiety, if not anxiety as a whole. Julian told her that. Maybe it was just a rough day, Saylor knew how that could be. She shrugged it off. Maybe that’s what felt so weird.

The nausea that had been simmering all morning suddenly surged, catching him off guard. Mercury's eyes widened as a sharp, acidic taste filled his mouth.

His stomach lurched, and he could feel the bile rising, burning the back of his throat. Panic set in as he realized he wasn't going to be able to hold it back.

Without a word, Mercury pushed his chair back and bolted from the classroom. The sudden movement made his head spin, but he didn't have time to think about it.

He barely made it into the hallway before the first violent heave hit him, thank everything it stayed contained but he knew it wouldn’t for much longer.

He stumbled toward the nearest bathroom, his hand clamped over his mouth as he tried to keep from vomiting all over the floor.

He burst into the bathroom, barely managing to throw himself into a stall before he doubled over the toilet. The force of the vomiting was immediate and overwhelming, his body convulsing as it expelled everything in his stomach.

The sound echoed off the tiled walls, harsh and unforgiving, and Mercury could do nothing but hang on as his body continued to betray him.

His throat burned with each retch, the taste of bile making him gag even more. His vision swam, and he could feel the sweat pouring down his face, his body shaking with the effort of being sick.

He panted heavily between heaves, his breath coming in ragged gasps as he tried to get a handle on the situation. But the nausea was relentless, each wave hitting him harder than the last.

Back in the classroom, Saylor had noticed Mercury's sudden departure, but she didn't follow. She had seen the look on his face just before he left, the unmistakable signs of someone about to be sick.

She knew Mercury well enough to know that he didn't want an audience for something like this, and she respected his need for privacy. Instead, she focused on the lecture, making a mental note to check on him later.

Mercury finally slumped against the stall wall, his body spent and weak. His head throbbed in time with his racing heart, and he could feel the tears of frustration and exhaustion prickling at the corners of his eyes. He had tried so hard to push through, but now he was left feeling worse than ever.

He stayed there for a few minutes, trying to gather the strength to move. His whole body felt drained, every muscle aching from the violent retching.

The nausea had subsided slightly, but it was still there, a constant reminder of how sick he really felt. He closed his eyes, trying to focus on his breathing, hoping that the worst was over. He spit in the toilet, checking his watch, hanging back for a few moments while students shifted between classes so nobody had to see him like this.

He leaned against the stall, just trying to breathe.

-

Later that afternoon, Saylor found herself sitting across from Julian in the campus café, the usual hustle and bustle of students around them providing a familiar backdrop to their conversation.

She stirred her coffee absentmindedly, her thoughts lingering on Mercury and his sudden departure from class earlier.

"Hey, Jules," Saylor began, looking up from her cup. "Have you seen Mercury this afternoon? Or like, at all today? He left class really suddenly, and he didn't look too good."

Julian frowned, setting down his drink. "No, I haven't seen him. I think he went to the lab early to work on his… whatever he’s working on. Why? What happened?"

Saylor sighed, leaning back in her chair. "He just looked really off during class. Pale, sweating, and he bolted out of there like he was about to be sick. I was going to check on him afterward, but I figured you might have a better idea of what's going on."

Julian shook his head, his brow furrowing in concern. "I wish I knew. I did hear something in the bathroom in the middle of the night, though. It woke me up, but I didn't think much of it at the time. I figured it was just one of our suitemates or someone across the hall."

Saylor raised an eyebrow. "Like what? Did you hear him throwing up or something?"

Julian hesitated, trying to recall the details. "I don't know... I just remember hearing some noise, like someone moving around. I was half-asleep, so I didn't really register it. But now that you mention it, maybe it was Mercury. If he was sick during the night, that would explain why he looked so rough today."

Saylor frowned, the pieces slowly coming together in her mind. "That makes sense. If he was already feeling bad during the night, then it probably got worse by the time we were in class. He must've been trying to push through it."

Julian nodded, his concern growing. "Yeah, that sounds like Mercury. He doesn't like to make a fuss about things, even when he probably should."

Saylor took a sip of her coffee, her mind already racing with what to do next. "We should check on him when we get back to the dorm. Make sure he's okay."

"Definitely," Julian agreed, his tone serious. "If he's been sick all day, he might not be in great shape. We should bring him some water or something, too."

Saylor nodded, a determined look on her face. "I’mg going into town to grab some paint. I can grab some ginger ale or crackers from the store on the way back, just in case. Poor guy... I hate seeing him like this."

"Me too," Julian said, his voice soft with empathy. "We'll take care of him. That's what friends are for, right?"

Saylor smiled, reaching across the table to give Julian's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Exactly. We'll make sure he's okay."

-

Saylor and Julian arrived back at the suite, the familiar hum of the campus outside contrasting with the quiet inside their shared space.

As they entered, they immediately noticed Mercury sitting at his desk, hunched over his books. His back was to them, but even from a distance, they could see the tension in his posture, the way his shoulders were slightly slumped, as if the weight of the world was pressing down on him.

Julian exchanged a quick glance with Saylor, both of them silently agreeing to play it cool. Mercury wasn’t one for coddling, and if he suspected they were hovering because they thought he was sick, he would likely shut down or brush them off.

So instead, they decided to hang around, Saylor sitting on Julian’s bean bag chair and Julian sitting on his bed, keeping things casual.

"Hey, Mercury," Julian said, his tone light. "How was class? I didn’t see you this morning.”

Mercury turned slightly in his chair, giving them a quick nod. "It was fine," he replied, his voice strained but trying to sound normal. "Just a lot of work, as usual. I went to the lab to finish my thermodynamics project."

Saylor grabbed the remote and flipped on the TV to some random show they all usually ignored in favor of conversation.

“You up for some company?" she asked, glancing over at Mercury. "We were thinking of just hanging out for a bit."

Mercury shrugged, trying to seem indifferent. "Yeah, sure. I’m just catching up on some notes."

"Cool," Julian said, settling into the armchair across from Saylor. "We’re not doing much, just figured we’d chill. Maybe order some food later."

As they settled in, Saylor and Julian kept the conversation light, discussing the latest campus news, their classes, and other everyday topics.

They were careful not to direct too much attention toward Mercury, but both kept a subtle eye on him, noticing the way he occasionally shifted uncomfortably in his chair, how his hand seemed to tremble slightly as he scribbled notes.

Mercury, for his part, tried to focus on his work, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. Not because of them. In fact, he loved when Julian and Saylor hung out. Their conversations were soothing, relaxing even, to hear in the background.

The nausea that had plagued him earlier in the day was creeping back, a slow, relentless wave that made it hard to concentrate.

His head throbbed dully, and his vision blurred at the edges as he struggled to keep his eyes on the page.

He could hear Saylor and Julian chatting behind him, their voices a comforting backdrop, but all he could think about was how badly he didn’t want to be sick again.

He didn’t want to interrupt their time together or, worse, burden them with his problems. The thought of getting sick around them made his stomach twist even more, anxiety layering over the already uncomfortable nausea.

As the minutes ticked by, Mercury’s thoughts began to spiral. What if he couldn’t hold it back? What if he got sick right there in the room, in front of them?

He didn’t want to be an inconvenience, didn’t want to risk getting them sick if this was something contagious. The more he thought about it, the more his heart began to race, each beat pounding in his chest like a drum.

He gripped the edge of his desk, his knuckles white as the anxiety swelled inside him. His breathing quickened, becoming shallow and uneven, and his vision narrowed, the edges darkening as the panic took hold.

He could feel the room closing in on him, the walls pressing in from all sides. The nausea intensified, feeding into the panic, until it became a vicious cycle he couldn’t escape.

Julian noticed the change first, his empathetic nature and so far three years of psychology courses tuned into the subtle shifts in Mercury’s demeanor. He saw the way Mercury’s shoulders had tensed even more, the way his breathing had turned into shallow gasps. Julian’s heart dropped, realizing what was happening.

"Saylor," Julian said softly, his voice tinged with urgency. Saylor looked over, immediately catching on to what he was seeing.

They both stood up, approaching Mercury with caution, not wanting to overwhelm him.

“Mercury?" Julian said gently, keeping his voice calm. "Are you okay?"

Mercury didn’t respond at first, his mind too caught up in the whirlwind of panic. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he was going to suffocate under the weight of his own thoughts.

He wanted to get up, to move, but his body wouldn’t listen, locked in place by the fear that had gripped him.

Saylor stepped a little closer, keeping her movements slow and non-threatening. "Mercury, it’s okay," she said softly. "You’re okay. Just try to breathe."

Mercury’s eyes darted to Saylor and Julian, his gaze wild with fear. "I… I can’t," he gasped, his voice barely a whisper. "I can’t breathe."

Julian crouched down beside him, careful to give him space. "You’re having a panic attack," he said gently. "I know it feels scary, they always do, but you’re going to be okay. Just try to focus on my voice, alright?"

Mercury’s chest heaved as he fought to get air into his lungs. His hands trembled uncontrollably, and he could feel the sweat beading on his forehead, cold and clammy. He was on the verge of tears, the fear and the physical discomfort overwhelming him completely.

Saylor moved to the other side of him, close enough to offer support but not touching him, knowing he didn’t like it.

"We’re here, Mercury," she said, her voice steady and reassuring. "You’re not alone. Just take it one breath at a time."

Mercury squeezed his eyes shut, trying to focus on their voices, trying to pull himself out of the panic that had swallowed him whole. He felt a little lightheaded, his heart still pounding painfully in his chest, but the sound of Saylor and Julian’s calm words began to cut through the noise in his mind.

He took a shaky breath, then another, slowly trying to match the rhythm Julian was guiding him through. The tightness in his chest began to ease, just a little, and the darkness at the edges of his vision receded. The nausea still churned in his stomach, but the overwhelming panic was starting to loosen its grip.

"That’s it," Julian said softly, watching as Mercury’s breathing began to slow. "You’re doing great. Just keep breathing with me."

Mercury nodded, tears slipping down his cheeks as he tried to calm down. He felt exhausted, the panic attack draining what little energy he had left.

“I… I’m sorry," he whispered, his voice trembling.

Saylor shook her head, her expression soft and full of understanding. "You don’t have to apologize, Mercury. We’re here for you, no matter what."

Julian nodded in agreement. "Exactly. You’re not a burden, okay? We’re your friends, and we care about you."

Mercury swallowed hard, trying to hold back more tears. "Thank you," he murmured, his voice small. "I… I didn’t want to…"

Saylor gave him a gentle smile. "It’s okay. We know. Just breathe, alright? We’ll be right here.”

Mercury nodded, feeling a little more grounded with their reassurance. He still felt awful, his body weak and his stomach unsettled, but the panic had finally subsided, leaving him tired and worn out.

Julian and Saylor stayed close by, continuing their casual conversation in soft tones, giving Mercury the space he needed to recover.

They didn’t push, didn’t pry, just remained nearby, their presence a silent but steady comfort. Mercury knew he was in good hands, and that thought alone helped ease the lingering tension in his chest.

Mercury sat in his chair, the aftermath of the panic attack leaving him drained and shaky. His breaths had evened out, but the lingering effects were still wreaking havoc on his body.

The adrenaline that had coursed through his veins during the panic attack was now ebbing away, leaving behind a cold, clammy exhaustion.

His stomach, which had been unsettled all day, was now churning with renewed intensity, a sickening reminder of just how fragile he felt.

Julian and Saylor continued their conversation, their voices a calming presence in the background. They were careful not to draw too much attention to Mercury, knowing he needed space to recover on his own terms.

But Mercury was finding it increasingly difficult to ignore the rising tide of nausea that was building in his gut.

He tried to focus on his breathing, on the rhythm of Julian’s voice, but every breath seemed to bring another wave of sickness.

His stomach clenched painfully, the acid rising in his throat, and he could taste the bitterness of bile creeping up. He swallowed hard, hoping to keep it down, but the nausea was relentless.

Mercury’s hands gripped the edge of his desk, his knuckles white as he tried to steady himself. The room felt too warm, the air too thick, and he could feel the sweat beading on his forehead, cold and clammy.

His vision blurred slightly, and he could feel the nausea intensifying with each passing second.

Without warning, a violent lurch of his stomach made the decision for him. He barely had time to grab the small trash bin by his desk before he was doubled over, the force of the vomiting catching him off guard. His body convulsed as he retched into the bin, the sound harsh and desperate.

Julian and Saylor both turned to him, their conversation halting as they watched in concern. "Mercury," Saylor said softly, her heart aching for him.

Mercury couldn’t respond, his body too focused on expelling everything in his stomach. The retching was intense, each heave sending shockwaves of pain through his already exhausted body. His throat burned, and tears streamed down his face as he clung to the bin, the sickness overwhelming him completely.

Julian stood up, taking a cautious step closer, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Mercury with too much attention. "Just let it out, Mercury," Julian said gently. "You’re going to be okay."

Mercury’s body convulsed again, and he retched harder, his whole frame trembling with the effort. The nausea was relentless, his stomach churning violently as it continued to reject everything. He felt utterly miserable, his head spinning and his vision blurring as he tried to catch his breath between bouts of vomiting.

Saylor stayed close, her expression filled with sympathy. "You’re doing great, Mercury," she said softly, going through her bag to grab a water.

After what felt like an eternity, the retching finally began to subside. Mercury leaned back in his chair, panting heavily, his body shaking from the effort. He felt utterly drained, every muscle in his body aching from the intensity of the sickness.

Julian handed him the bottle of water Saylor gave him, his touch gentle and non-intrusive. "Here, take small sips," Julian suggested, his voice soft.

Mercury nodded weakly, too exhausted to speak. He took a small sip of the water, the cool liquid soothing his raw throat. His stomach still felt unsettled, but the worst of the nausea seemed to have passed for now.

Saylor knelt beside him, her eyes filled with concern. "Do you want to lie down for a bit? You’ve been through a lot today."

Mercury hesitated, not wanting to seem like a burden, but the thought of lying down was too tempting to resist. "Yeah," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "I think I need to."

Julian and Saylor exchanged a quick glance before helping Mercury to his feet. He was unsteady, his legs shaky from the ordeal, but with their support, he managed to make his way to his bed.

He collapsed onto the mattress, the exhaustion pulling him down like a heavy weight.

Saylor pulled the covers over him, tucking him in gently. "We’re right here if you need anything," she said softly. "Just rest now."

Mercury nodded, closing his eyes as he tried to block out the lingering nausea. He was too tired to argue, too drained to do anything but let sleep take over.

As he drifted off, he was vaguely aware of Julian and Saylor sitting nearby, their quiet conversation a comforting presence in the background.

Even in his weakened state, Mercury felt a small sense of relief knowing that he wasn’t alone. Saylor and Julian were there for him, ready to support him in whatever way he needed. And for now, that was enough.

[midnightscxre]

Ok I'll be honest. . . I want to SHIP!

I want complex, angsty, heartbreaking, deep and unique relationships built between our muses that we can totally go nuts over. To build the connection from scratch, make that roots strong and always have more delights to put into the story that always will be full of surprises. I want us to adore the girls and guys we write for,and just be fair to each other over it and not to use the other for just one.

Honestly, just want a long term rp partner that will enjoy investing equally in everything, plot, ship, characters. . . Would love a mumu thread [ doubling too ], and love both of your characters and just ask to receive the same appreciation for mine,not just the guy, since I would adore to ship both of them romantically. Currently into supernatural, drama ,slasher and apocalypse plots but others aren't out of the question. Preferred platform: Discord.Below, under the cut,you will find a few plots I'm into the most lately.

What can you expect:

• Visuals,playlist, videos... I l o v e to send those out/make them to bring our story to life

• TOTAL gushing about our pairings. I can't help myself when I'm into the story

• Long term,realistic development with bunch of side threads to put our lovelies into different situations where we can overdose on fangirling

Where are you lovely writers with same desires ? (21+ only)

• Witch hunter falls for a witch during the Salem witch trials [ him being a little older than her ]. Him not being aware of her nature at first. Both living a lonesome, private life after their tragic histories, their love didn't bloom immediately, but lust was present. Stealing glances, tension, secret meetings... ugh, just a turbulent ride.

• Young, arrogant, egoistic, clasic ' bad boy ' fighter whose success is skyrocketing meets a slightly older reporter [ maybe he is 23 and she 30 ] paid by his manager to report about his wins. She is a smart, independent woman with a taste for adventure, already in relationship, and he is a flirt with ' no strings ' attached policy. They bicker, but tension is high, and one time after the fight where he wins, they hook up in the locker room. They both stay quiet about it, yet he wears a cheeky grin every time he sees her, HOWEVER after he notices she is not bothered by it even a bit, his interest begins to grow. They end up sneaking to luxury houses rented for a night, hotel rooms, hook up in his gym after the interview...and oh how the tables have turned -- she runs the shots, sticking firmly to the ' keep it on the low, no feelings attached ' ( but ofc she secretly wants him ) and he becomes more and more jealous, getting pissed seeing her boyfriend calling her,trying to replace her with other women. Things get messy, he starts drunk calling, they argue. . . It all turns in this delicious drama,angst, sexy fiery story

[queerlyvictorian]

Idk what this episode did to me, but I have even more thoughts I need to get out. Because I haven’t even considered Eursulon yet!

EP. 22 SPOILERS BELOW

I understand Eursulon perfectly. I as an audience member was always nervous about how easily our Wild One acclimated to city life in the Citadel. Obalfind (sp?) was voicing all of my own worst fears about the precarity of Eursulon’s current position of safety and relative privilege. The more we learned about the Wizard Stripe, the more I could feel that Eursulon stopped feeling like he belonged here. I’ll be thinking about that Deception escape for a long time. Starting off by blending in and attempting just look “normal,” until at a dead sprint, the butterflies land, and Brennan hints that they might be here in response to Eursulon’s sister’s deception and subsequent escape. And then “in defiance of this place” he drops his glamour. And as he runs headlong in danger, he finds that his sister prepared the way for him. An added inspiration to help him leave this place like she had to.

As far as his options go…

Follow Ame. The clearest choice. It was what he was already doing, and on a meta level, it most aligns with the plot of the arc. I wouldn’t be upset by this decision, but maybe slightly disappointed at the lost potential of the other options (one in particular)

Descend the burrow. This is the choice I’m pulling for. If Eusulon chooses to pass it by for Ame’s safety, that in of itself is a complex decision that will be have repercussions going forward, but I’m SO curious about this off-the-path option. Will it take him to the Near Spirit? Could it actually take him directly to Kalaia? I want to knowwwww, and I don’t have confidence that we will know where it leads unless Eursulon makes a selfish choice and continues down the trail his sister left for him.

Turn back to face the Stranger. The least obvious. I’ll be a little baffled if Lou as Eursulon decides this is the route to go. The Stranger’s appearance establishes fascinating lore about his possible relationship with roads (like, is he the Taboo of Passage?), but I don’t know what choosing him does meaningfully for the story being told other than derail it in a fruitful but a little too chaotic of a direction

We shall see what the answer is, but it’ll definitely be interesting, regardless of the option Eursulon choses.

[novella-writers]

Rewatching Avatar (2009/2022) has really inspired me and I’d loveee to play about with it, but do something slightly different with an ocxoc rp! I’ve been thinking about other clans and I’d love to play about with the idea of a cave Na’vi clan/population! I have some ideas on how they might look, their biology, their culture, how the caves might actually form, different animals, etc etc but I’d love to brainstorm and flesh out the world with you so we can both create it together! Plot wise, I’m thinking something along the lines of me playing one of these cave Na’vi, and you playing either a normal na’vi from another clan that somehow gets lost amongst the caves and stumbles upon my one, or perhaps you’re a human researcher - maybe just researching the environment and the caves and unaware of the na’vi underground, or specifically are looking for them too. Those are just a couple of ideas but we can chat together to figure something out and I’d love to hear your thoughts!

About me: I’m 21+, looking for anyone 19+ to write with. I’m a very detailed writer and my replies are usually around the realm of 1000 words (not characters!) and can go up to 2000 easily as well. I would like my partner to be able to match this. Not every reply has to be super long of course, it depends what’s going on and quality > quantity, but with all the world building I’d love to do and fleshing out nuanced characters, I don’t want to write paragraphs setting everything up for us to be given 1 that doesn’t move the plot forward:’). I can offer a writing sample and might ask for one to make sure we’re compatible because I will lose interest in short, semi-lit style writing, sorry. I love depth and complexity, fleshed out characters with flaws, situations that demand action that���s not 100% morally good. I love conflict and tension, hurt/comfort, angst and recovery, and I love seeing characters grow over the rp! I’m open to all types of pairings and trans characters, and also open to different takes on gender identity/expression considering the na’vi aren’t human! I’m open to dark topics, violence, and nsfw, but I’m open to fading to black and don’t rush/prioritise smut, nor do I like really strict roles like sub/dom and top/bottom. I reply usually a few times a week but can’t manage daily most of the time, and I won’t rush you either! I like to chat ooc and send art/aesthetics/tiktoks and bond with my partner, but I won’t push if you’re not comfortable with it.

I’d love a partner who’s down to world build and plot with me! Bring your own ideas and concepts and we can make a world and story together! I want to do it together, with you! So please don’t just say “sounds good, up to you” to everything I say lol:’) This is way too long now so I’ll round it out, but leave a like and I’ll reach out to you! 💙🌙

Like if interested!

[secondchoice-ragdoll]

Am I the only one who is a little sad that the moment Trixie was single she didn't take a second look at Katya and immediately went to the ex? She could've given her a chance. And I wonder how K really feels now that she wants kids. I know she doesn't want them herself, but I'm afraid this will change things between them and I really really hope they don't.

ugh okay first of all: im totally w u and i a 100% see ur point. these have crossed my mind too, and i can easily get to a place where these topics make me sad for a while. but genuinely i dont think we should worry too much abt any of it. at the end all i want is for them to be happy, no matter how that looks like🤝

on a further note, we cant be like *actually* sure abt any of what is going on? like yes it seems pretty clear, and it might as well be exactly as we think it is, its all spelled out, isnt it? its really just that we were the ones who spelled it out, and not T, or any other person who is practicipating in the situation. all im saying is that i wouldnt advise anyone to bet on whats going on w T rn (if for nothing else then just out of respect), and im sure eventually we will hear either a confirmation or a fully different story that will clear things up.

specualtion is free tho, and also pretty interesting, so as long as we keep it kinda hush-hush i think its okay that we entertain ourselves w these anecdotes. like im totally in, and i do think *the* ex is now truly an ex, like that much id even dare to place a bet on. the rest is just questionmarks😭😭😭 like i could see this new guy being actually something, or just a rebound-fling, or just a friend(?). and its also possible that he is the old ex, and then i do have even more questions, but the bar is under a frog's ass after the last guy, so im appriciative towards anyone who is slightly better than him, and it would appear to be a true challenge to be worse than him💀 sooo idk i do believe yall that that guy on the pics is really old KY guy, im just not sure if they r friends or fwb or dating or a secret fourth option? doesnt matter as long as T is okay and having fun. (also, i do think she could have spent some time being single IF she is in a relationship again, but hey, anything is better than how we were around a year ago, no? and as long as a guy doesnt treat her like shit im happy for her!!!) ((and yes. i am really sad miss K got looked over again if thats the case. even if i dont think we will ever get to live in a world they r actually legit dating. in another universe for sure. but in this one? too many hangups. these creatures cant even fucking talk abt the fact that they'd like to hang out more tgthr. like..... be fr😭 they r stooooopid, and thats okay. its sad, its tragic, but its okay, and they have a really special relationship regardless of whether they ever go that far or dont. there is always hope, and even if they fall out now, maybe they need it to break and actually confront the fact that they want to hang out? like there r so many ways for things to go. soooo many. i could sit here and spin this wheel on for hours with no end, i promise. i do think it could have happened in like 2020-2023? maybe even beginning of 24. but as things stand now... eeeh i think it wouldnt be such a clean cut, but they do tend to do things the more complicated way, at least thats how it seems to me. the thing is that they r such complex ppl and they have so many motives that i could make literal lists about what their excuses might be (such as work, but now that T says it doesnt matter that much maybe it changes, or such as age, or what-ifs, or fear of ruining what they have, or thinking that maybe they have missed their chance, new/old confidence issues, mental health states? ...these two...). on the other hand, do we really think K got looked over? Ts literal god? im not so sure, but only time will be able to tell wtf has been going on.))

i see ur concern, and yeah change is fucking scary, especially if such comforting things change. but u see, this could be exactly one of their hangups too. things keep changing no matter what, all we can do is hope they both r okay and happy and nice parts of each other's lives.

i understand that T keeps speaking abt wantimg kids, and sure, pop off! but like, i reaaaally doubt she would be actually having kids this year? like i feel like its maybe a new thing for her to think of having kids as an actual possibility she considers for her future, thus she speaks abt it openly since its one of the things she is interested in now! but like, having a kid is not this quick of a process, even a pregnancy takes 9 months😭😭 and also im pretty sure that her life isnt at a place where she could pick up a kid tomorrow and just go on and be her best self as a parent and i feel like she must be aware of that? T and K would both be at least okay parents, thats for sure!! but like, considering Ts past year... yeah i dont think it will be such a quick happening. once, in a few years, sure! even in 2, why not! but not tomorrow. she'd do fine as a single parent, she'd do fine w a partner, it will be fine, just really not as soon as some ppl r concerned it might be😭 let her just get that birdie first, i think that could be a logical and nice next step!

finally, i really dont think K would have such a problem w children? (even if she did, dont u think shed make an exception for T? im pretty sure she'd do almost anything for/with T.) like she absolutely adores her nephew as far as i know, so im certain she wouldnt delete T's contact info if/when she had a kid. im pretty sure T wouldnt block Ks number either just bc she became a parent, she also seems to know how nice K is to kids despite not necessarily getting them (see: her gifting a lot of money to her nephew's, like, 4th bday? but i could argue that thats a great gift, just more long term great😭). and what if T gets that kid and eventually calls K for help (more likely for herself and not the kid, but this is besides the point), and then K does help, and then they spend even more time together with this newfound excuse, and they realise how well they function as a family, and then they can finally move in together and be lesbians and be disgustingly in love and live happily ever after??? what then???? anyways, my point is that even if they r in a tiny bit of a divitation i highly doubt it would be due to T wanting a kid. i think its more that they both were afraid during T's break that if they reached out more they would annoy the other one, bc "omg what if she needed a break from me too???" (like. T needed a break from her god. and K needed a break from the person who tethers her to this earth. sure jan. emotionally they do have some challenges, thats certain!). and maybe they need to drift a bit apart to then get back together and be even closer (if that is scientifically even possible). things arent as linear and easy as we would like them to be, and since our perspective is and outside one, im pretty sure that from their pov it seems or at least feels sooooo much more complicated. while i just sit on the floor and go "just date ffs its not that hard!!4!4 look back footage of ur faces while u look at eachother!!! thats all u need!!44!", and we r both right! it is very complicated but it could also be manageable. (what i think might be more painful here is if T has the kid w a partner, bc that seems pretty, uh, *certain*, or unchangable, final? obvi its not ***that*** drastic, but it is a bigger deal. so yeah, but i stand by my op that none of this will happen in the blink of an eye, we'll see as it unfolds ig and hope for smth real nice)

[oc3anawrites]

introducing my OC- Amaya Young.

you may see quite a few different OC's in my fics but in this post I'd like to introduce Amaya. (the AI image is just a reference to how she looks it's definitely not exact. My description will probably give you a better idea. Also I know she's such a basic white girl but I will have more OC's with more diverse backgrounds and physical appearance so keep an eye out for those!

Amaya's age changes based on when the story takes place but she is only a few years younger than Marc Spector.

Her physical appearance- Amaya usually sports long white hair with dyed black tips. Her eyes are a mix of a hazy blue and grey. She has a slightly warm skin tone that is a stark difference from her icy hair. Amaya has a small scar in the middle of her forehead, right above the bridge of her nose. Its about half an inch long. Amaya's features are soft but sharp at the same time. Her jaw and cheeks are defined, her eyes slightly sunk in. Her eyebrows are almost as dark as the ends of her hair and often express a lot of emotion. Amaya usually wears black clothing that is fitted to her slim figure.

Her backstory- I can't reveal much about her backstory as to not spoil the plot of the fic I'm writing but here's what I can say- Amaya is secretive, cold and blunt at times. She is impulsive and tends not to consider the consequences. Her temper can be short and she can have sudden bursts of explosive anger. She has BPD (written by someone who also does). She has a horrid fear of abandonment and when she falls in love, she goes to dangerous lengths, risking everything else to keep her favorite person safe. Her childhood was definitely not a happy one and let's just say it led to some *cough* unhealthy coping skills and the older she gets, the more she loses control over her untreated mental health issues.

She definitely won't just be a broken girl who "needs to be fixed". Her character will show her unique struggles and the way it effects her and those around her. Amaya is frustrating at times, especially with her black and white thinking. She tends not to think in the greys, assuming and judging other people and their character before giving them a chance to get to know her. She has a very hard time opening up but when she does it's like the flood gates to the worlds largest dam have just poured out in front of her. She's a little too forgiving and even though she may be untrusting, she has a soft spot for men with curly brown hair. *hint hint*. She has a hard time committing to anything, especially when it comes to love.

She is very smart and has a unique interest in Egyptology, although not nearly as smart or as into it as Steven. She just picked it up from her father. #daddyissues She is American, born in New York. (honestly I didn't know where to make her born so I decided NYC since all the avengers shit always happens there lmao) Her accent is american similar to Marcs. (except female obviously). She has traveled around the world however and even picked up a few languages and some intriguing knowledge on the way.

There will definitely be different stories that contain her as an OC but in a different way in each.

I hope you'll enjoy this complex character and maybe even some of you can relate and find understanding in her struggles throughout her character development.

[technicolorfamiliar]

Technicolor Familiar Watches Too Many Conrad Veidt Movies Part 3 of ?

Part 1 // Part 2

Anders als die Andern (Different From the Others), 1919 Dir. Richard Oswald ⭐4/5 Watched Nov 15, Archive.org It really breaks my heart that so much of this film was lost and destroyed, and that the story is unfortunately still relevant 100+ years later. Maybe I don't have as much to say about this one because it's so chopped up, and because it's already been written and talked about so much. I am glad it seems to have found its proper place in literature/content about LGBTQ+ history, getting the acknowledgement it deserves. Despite already knowing so much about the movie from various books, podcasts, and documentaries, I was still very affected by the story and performances, especially towards the end. It really hit a nerve, surprisingly so. Connie's Paul is really lovely, tragic, and so sweet with Kurt.

Jew Süss, 1934 Dir. Lothar Mendes ⭐3.5/4 Watched Nov 26, Youtube There's something about the structure and the hazy, dreamy quality of the film itself that makes this seem like a fable. There are parts that are deeply upsetting and chilling despite the mediocre supporting cast. It's imperfect, but definitely did a lot more than other films to create complex and sympathetic Jewish characters in the 1930s (even if still playing on stereotypes). I'm a total sucker for 18th century opulence and fashion so I can’t complain much. And oh boy, does the 18th century suit Connie. He knows how to work the lace and silk to great affect. Some of the things he's doing as Josef are really fascinating and gut-wrenching. He's doing so much vocally, too. He's in an entirely other class compared to many actors of that era. P.S. The scenes with Josef and his mother and daughter were, uh, interesting. I have… mixed feelings.

Rome Express, 1932 Dir. Walter Forde ⭐3/5 Watched Nov 26, Youtube My expectations were pretty low for this one based on some things I'd read online, but it's a cute if slightly baffling train thriller with an ok-ish ensemble. I'm a little biased, my inner child fuckin loves trains so any train movie is at least going to be semi-enjoyable. I was so stressed the whole time about how everyone was handling that apparently very expensive painting. Connie is so extra, though. Why is Zurta eating a banana as soon as he jumps onto a moving train? Why does he hold a gun like ~that~? Why are his fingernails so long?? It's so funny seeing him next to all these tiny British actors. It may partly be how they dressed him for the role, but he makes everyone else look positively shrimpy.

All Through the Night, 1942 Dir. Vincent Sherman ⭐3/5 Watched Nov 27, Vudu Once I finally leaned into how silly this movie was, it was pretty entertaining. The dialogue alone is so stupid, but self aware of how stupid it is. And it features one of my favorite gags of all time: making up gibberish words for technical terms with complete confidence. There's a dog. (Question: Is the dog a nazi like the monkey in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Does the dog know it's complicit in war crimes??) Peter Lorre looks like he'd rather be anywhere else. Mrs. Danvers is there. Some of the visual comedy is actually pretty great -- the dog in the boat at the end when Connie is being totally deadpan serious? Hysterical. (DID THEY BLOW UP THAT DOG?) I think this was the first time I've heard Connie speak German, too.

The Spy in Black, 1939 Dir. Michael Powell ⭐3.5/5 Watched Nov 27, Youtube Interesting that the main character, the person carrying this British movie in the late 1930s, is a German U-boat captain. But wow. I'm obsessed. Hardt's entrance into the hotel? Baa-ing at the sheep? The delicious gluttony with food? Dragging the stupid motorbike up the stairs to his room? "It is evening. And I am grown up."?? We love a sexy, honor driven character like Captain Hardt. Therefore, Valerie Hobson going for the British officer seems totally unlikely and unbelievable. I think I like this movie marginally better than Dark Journey, as far as espionage films go. It's slightly more engaging (but that may be Connie and Valerie Hobson's chemistry) and the story is a little better.