#the silly has never ever looked better
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Congrats on the new daughter, Starscream!!! All Hail Lord Catboy 😼👑✨
It’s only a matter of time before he gets hit by the yass filter too 📸📸 they’re working their way down the list
no filter under the cut
This post is my love letter to TFE Starscream I ADORE HIM SO😫😫😫😫😫
#transformers#my art#the Starscream ever btw#he’s so shaped#thank you TFE team for my life#the silly has never ever looked better#tfe starscream#hashtag malto#earthspark#transformers earthspark
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I finally have some free time to draw sketches and tell you about my headcannons with (young) Harvey and Dr. Stone!! 💥💥
The first headcanon: Harvey really likes to touch Stone's funny sticking-out hair with his antennae (I have no idea what to call it lol). OF COURSE, Dr. Stone gets angry, and Harvey just giggles and watches him—
The second headcanon: I thought it would be funny if Dr. Stone had (and maybe still has) a secret hobby of collecting minerals and stones. it's pretty funny that a sullen and angry dude collects and examines all sorts of stones, and then writes something in his book, muttering something under his nose. if Harvey somehow found out about his husband's hobby, he could throw him beautiful stones while he was going somewhere.
The third headcanon: Harvey loves hugging Dr. Stone very much, when he does this, this old fart immediately starts to get angry and swear, but after 15-20 minutes calms down and falls asleep. maybe Harvey does this on purpose so that his husband at least sometimes gets a full sleep
(not) Old people,,,,
#Not really old fards...#Thembs existing (Real) HSHDHDJJD#To Harvey his antennae are silly lil things- but sometimes pokes someone with em as a form of smooch/doting someone#Loving husbambs...#Also the two lil things sticking up stone's head is technically a dreadlock versions of cowlicks lmAO#Though it would most likely either be due to being cut very small- or just folded and tied to achieve the look#But that's for the human version anyway muppet vers dont need reasons lmAo#FUNFACT I never really talked about it and just mentioned it briefly-#But stone has a rock named “grandson” with googly eyes on it#He uses it mostly to mock frank with it on how his “grandson” is better than frank will ever be smhh#Last part definitely is something that would happen HDBDBD#Dr Stone specially as a youngin was a HUGE workaholic (still is but becoming old made him a lot more tired)#And Harvey would always try and set up a sleeping schedule for him so he can get a good nights rest#(Which sometimes worked- though stone would usually wake up an hour or two later and go right back to work-)#Harvey always tried his best for stone 😔💔🥄🥄#BUT AWEAWEAWE THE OLD FARDSSS;;;;#CUTE LIL DOODLES OF EMMMMM
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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re:kinder doodle dump part three !!! drawings with wildly different moods www they are more polished ans complete than my other doodles because. why not🥺!!!
#re:kinder#rekinder#fanart#ryou re:kinder#mami re:kinder#takumiel re:kinder#yuuichi mizuoka#i will now provide commentary ...#the first one i did was the takumiel one lets start with him#that one was done in ms paint MERELY for the sake of me making a speedpaint in the style of 2010's speedpaints#turned out great . put some nightcore on it... not placing it here because tumblr does not take it kindly to me putting speedpaints here#(im still petty about that)#the chie one as you can see. is not a line from re:kinder. it is a line from “If...” another game by parun#where the girl who says it has the same sprite as chie. so i drew chie based on the line. chie in the multiverse...#mami was because i just dont draw her enough for being one of the characters with a drawn portrait and why not#ryou candy because i can ive been meaning to draw him more properly for a while outside of silly little projects i just never got to it#so there he is with the layout of clip studio paint because the drawing looked bland. and i didnt know what to use as a background#i do not use clip studio on light mode. i just thought itd look better with the background. all for composition sake...!!!#now about the yuu drawing i did that this morning its funny actually... if you see it that way i prefer seeing things as comedic if possible#today's morning dread would simply not leave so i decided to draw rekinder because its my go to for whenever im feeling low#and i decided. i will channel my feeling into this drawing because i can i will channel it outwards so i dont have to deal with it#so at first i was very dreadful and sad drawing. but then as i was finishing it#and the drawing looked more gloomy than it had ever had I HAD GLEE ONCE MORE!! IT WORKED!! i did channel it outwards im a genius#so i totally would recommend if you dont want to deal with dread and are in a state where you can draw#you should make your drawing feel it so you dont have to. its great#its like when one manifests their period cramps onto goku from dragon ball z.... at least i do that#i do love goku. what kind of latinoamerican would i be if i didnt id be a disgrace but im not strong enough i know he can fight it
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i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good
#i'm usually a sebastian kinda guy but i do think it's silly you have to say you like scifi to gain friendship points w him like cmon man#i will say though that. my bestie's baby daddy being named shane kinda does make it hard to like him 😭 unfortunate but not his fault#ik a lot of ppl are weird abt his recovery and his messy ass room bc they play stardew to make things look pretty or whatever#but i'm actually kind of glad he's a realistic depiction of addiction... the problem is his dependence on indulging in alcohol when he's#depressed not the fact that he drinks period... i think that a lot of ppl are unrealistic abt alcoholism (including me abt my dad's)#but concernedape did really good w him imo. anyways all this to say that i'm really glad shane never expects someone to be a certain way#i know most of the candidates are like. archetypes or whatever and i think that's fine they are very sweet and cute regardless but#i think maybe i didnt romance him before bc i related to him so badly that it hurt seeing myself reflected LMAO dead end life and being#suicidal about it like. i've never had a drug dependence but i'm not really in a position where i can ever make my own decisions anyways#but regardless. there is smth to someone who slowly warms up to you when they can't ignore your kindness any longer and have no reason to#act like an abused dog anymore which. does make me sad just to say but that is how he acts beforehand#idkkkkk idk i think people are always too caught up with his addiction and his messy room to actually see him without realizing that#getting better is a lot harder than it appears and that having a dirty room doesn't mean you aren't trying to be better. sigh#besides it's not like. the end of the world that he has a beer sometimes. have you tried going thru life completely sober? it sucks#ok im done LMAO but yeah i've found myself gravitating towards him this time around when i've romanced sebastian literally every playthru#til now. hmm!#ACTUALLY ONE MORE THING. i like how he's basically a twist on the classic useless husband trope in media where they love sports and drinking#but he's not a bad person and the only reason he's mean to you at first is because he hates himself and his own life and he makes an effort#the more you get close to him instead of the opposite. i like that a lot. ok now i'm done
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Yeah, I did fill 4 sketchbooks in 4 months so far this year. Huh? Am I gonna post even an ounce of it? Well, you see, I am allergic to my phone, so you will have to come CATCH ME
#da#nooo but I am so saddd it's so much easier to show stuff off irl 😭#if it could look even halfway decent I've considered doing flip throughs of sketchbooks on video#except I draw in pencil and cameras hate that and want me to explode#idk it is truly just better to somehow gain access to my terrible trove of sketchbooks#no but man that sounds like such an ideal hang out. get all my oc lore by sitting on my floor with me as we go through the archives#gosh I should count how many I've filled up at this point#I love that the number increases exponentially as the years go on#like I think 2018 began the precedent of 4 a year minimum which was kinda wild#another ridiculous difficult project I have given a lot of thought to: combing through every sketchbook and either redrawing#or printing off important story related bits and compiling them all into a convenient binder. maybe binding them into a book.#anyway it's pretty much all a drag no matter how you slice it#come to my HOUSE and look at my CREATURES#u don't know this bc I've learned to be silly sneaky but I have stayed up wayyyy too late AGAIN#but I've scheduled this to post at a normal time so you'll never know. unless you read the tags. but that's its own punishment isn't it#hey bonus enticement to look at my boo stuff that doesn't get on the blog. there's smut. and you KNOW I'm a coward who shan't ever post that#actually we'll be lucky if I'm not the same coward in real life too#it's only Dick and Vinny. they get rights. i don't care if anyone else has sex. I don't care if I have sex.#the one song I hope I don't have sex. I hope we both don't have sex. that's actually Vinny though.#I'm more sex favorable and sex positive than he could ever be#y'know this is a very 4am convo to have and actually how prepared am I for this to live in a pm afternoon time#welp. maybe I should stop being addicted to tags and letting loose all my secrets#I shan't grow I shan't do better and I shan't ever change. this is the da promise <3
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I would say I have no explanation for this, but uh. I really do. Behold: the first ideas for a Terror IndyCar AU that has possessed me for the last 36 straight hours. It would not leave me alone until I put some of it to paper.
Behold: Crozier as an established, relatively liked, if cynical, driver, upstart rookie James Fitzjames, and Hickey, who is, as always, totally normal and not causing problems.
The art is rushed, but I needed to purge the demons as fast as I could
#i have never drawn hickey before. its not good but I'm tired.#as always my sketches look better than the final. it's fine. im not annoyed. not at all.#anyway. today? an AU nobody hut me ever asked for and debatably nobody else wants. tomorrow? the same.#thought i was clever for making Hickey's sponsor be a vodka company after Crozier gets sober#could Not come up with a suitable sponsor for JFJ. too tired.#in my head silna is a very competent canadian driver on crozier and jfj's team#goodsir is on the pit crew for silna most of the time. stanley is the lead mechanic#runs their shop like it's the goddamn navy and nobody ever knows if he's happy with things.#blanky is either a manager or the guy to talks to drivers on team radio during races#anyway if i ever do anything like this i plan to have crozier ultimately win a 4th 500#but only after james has a horrible crash that ends his season and many press people think will end his career#just so he can kiss francis at victory circle#look. i have very little to say for myself aside from the fact that i have been going to the indy 500 since i was 7 years old.#almost 20 years ago#and the IMS and indycar is very important to me. one of the few sports i care about and want to follow more.#so. uh. yeah. watch this space bc it will probably keep bothering me bc I Need It.#(also very silly but i tried to make crozier and james's drivers suits have shoulder shapes like epaulettes. i thought that was fun)#again sorry for the quality but i drew all of this in like 4 hours today. i am a woman Possessed.#anyway im gonna crawl back into my cringe hole. see y'all#the terror
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Doodle of my boy
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc art#oc#fydd <3333333333#he is my bestie I need to get over my fear of drawing him so bad#grips bathroom sink I Will get better at drawing for fun and letting my art be messy and being proud of it anyways#but yeah look at him he is so cute and is so silly and he’s never gone through any traumatic events ever I would never#<- lying lier who lies and loves tormenting it’s ocs#but yeah he’s half alien half human but was raised entirely by his human mom#his alien mom is alas stuck in the cult the two met at rip#fydd doesn’t know abt any of that tho he just knows that he has another mom that his mom doesn’t like talking abt#he loves playing games of all kind but especially loves video games and will play them for hours#not that he has much else to do since he’s spent pretty much his entire life living by a garbage dump in the middle of nowhere#and he’s not allowed to go fuck around in the dump much since his mom doesn’t want him to be seen so he’s stuck at home most of the time#thankfully now he has an adopted sister to play with but he still has viddy game autism#his mom has done her best to introduce him to the various cultures she and his other mom came from but she struggles with it#she was quite disconnected from her own culture growing up and she knows limited amount about her girlfriends home planet#fydd doesn’t mind much rn cause he’s 12 but a certain other older fydd might care a smidge more#fydd does like 60% know both japanese and spanish tho so that’s pretty cool#his mom tried to do regular lessons when he was younger but wasn’t able to keep them up consistently and eventually gave up#mostly because she wasn’t anywhere near fluent in either herself and she had a hard time keeping up with how fast fydd would pick up on it#they still have some books from back then laying around that fydd will pick up and read aloud when he’s bored sometimes#he gets bored of speaking english all the time as his brain is built to pick apart different sounds and assign them linguistic meaning#so reading and speaking different languages is good enrichment for him#his mom doesn’t know this unfortunately otherwise she totally would have gotten him more stuff in different languages to chew on#he does get to learn the language the stalien cast speaks tho he has a lot of fun with that#he alas can’t properly experience most stalien video games though rip#I should rly get to redesigning his human mom again at some point she needs it sooo bad#I mean her whole squad needs it but she’s my favorite so like
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ignore this.
learning to shut up when i dont have anything new to say to the discussions my mutuals are having about the treatment of the female characters in this show and fandom
even though ive just gone ahead and rambled in the tags a bunch of bullshit
#lohst.txt#they're all so right#because this fandom has had problems since the beginning#its always about the boys#the fics and the art and everything#and the fact that a large portion of this fandom is obsessed with the squip. the ACTUAL villain. yet would wish a 16 year old girl death#yeah. chloe did some fucked up things. yeah. dywh is an awful situation that was not handled well#(because this show has awful writing. you guys have been saying that already and youre right)#but come on. y'all act like the other characters did nothing wrong#if the writers would have cared to put actual depth into these characters#i havent listened to the source material in. a while. and i never got around to watching any other boot other than two rivers#i dont know what im saying#it was so easy to join bmc rp servers because no one ever picked the girls#did that mean i was left out of the rps? mostly. yeah#i mean. those servers always had the same rich and jake so we'd team up#but the jeremy and michael would barely give room for anyone else to interact with them#i used to have some discussions with someone about the flaws of this show and how the girls are constantly ignored#(back when i had sort of dipped out of the fandom)#anyway im never one to get involved in discourse directly#i support my mutuals and reblog art and post my silly little fics#mostly because im always too tired to put a lot of thought into any in depth analysis#(even though i have alot of thoughts on chloe and fairytales. which has nothing to do with this whatsoever)#everyone else has said it so much better than what i can currently come up with rn#but the way that the girls get watered down to one personality trait (this includes madeline). and are always used as background characters#the way there was so much christine hate at one point because she got inn the way of boyf riends#i looked chloe up on pinterest the other day out of curiosity#and there was so much hate#everyone likes christine and brooke#theyre the nice girls#the ones that get watered down to innocent and naïve and the mum friend of the group
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I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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every time I see people hate on Barbara because apparently her whole character has been simplified to just be a love interest for dick because they like him and kori more, all I think is that audio thing where it’s like “you are a GIRL why are you hating like a MAN”
#oh my god imagine if I tagged this as starfire that would be honestly so petty and so annoying#but that’s what everyone does to barbara that would be so silly of me#you go on the Barbara Gordon tag on anywhere and it’s like 1% of people liking her and dick togrther 95% of people shitting on her because#they think kori is literally so much better then she is#and 4% is batfam posts or text posts where she’s there as the only sane one bc that’s what fanon has done to her#i love her and I absolutely love kori but omg pls stop being like insanely sexist to her#sorry i would die for Barbara Gordon i love her#and everyone literally gets the excuse of wishing her character never existed and how terrible she is and being incredibly misogynistic to#her bc of the killing joke when the killing joke was literally BUILT on how sexist the writer one#she was literally the only female in that whole thing and look what he did#but look how strong she was how it didn’t stop her how she persisted with oracle#she is literally the most important people to Batman as oracle and her being one of his most powerful assets#is insane because of how similar they are#how stubborn they are how angry they are and their moral compass and how shut off they are it’s literally insane#anyway babs is literally the best ever and all the haters literally make no sense 🫶🏽#barbara gordon#oracle#dc oracle#batgirl#laz.exe#dc
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My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*
Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*
My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?
#angy#sweepy but angy#he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently#like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me#and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially#and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to#like we have talked about this multiple times#my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business#if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second#we’re both adults like#im literally turning 30 in a few days#and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid#ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years#to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks#this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job??#anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire#that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for
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i feel like more people need to realize we are all share the same sky and none of us are truly ever alone
#sorry im just htinking about how happy i am how better i am how i take showers now and have friends how I'm nice to my dad and I'm able to#hug him but still talk to my mother i have food and water and blankets i have friends and i am loved changes are scary and I'm still scared#but i remember how happy i am how younger me or even me from a week or month ago or years ago would be proud and still root for me to live#one day ill have a house of my own a life of my own memories to share and love but new ones to experience and in all of them i was never#alone i always had someone to love me and live for i always had a purpose I've had one since i was born which was to be my sisters friend a#and be someone to lean on and i still uphold that i try to support everyone i can since i know how hard it is to not be at the worst times#i hug and tell everyone i love them 24/7 i tell everyone they are amazing since i never know when ill look back on this all and regret not#saying it everytime i hug my dad and he says calm down kylie i always say you'll miss this in 10 years as a joke but i think about it so mu#so much i dont know if ill know any of you in 10 years but I'm happy to be talking to you now I'm happy to know that there's people out the#there who are kind and have fun thoughts who makea fun silly art and chat with me and care about me and try to help me and ill never see yo#why do i have a voice in my head and think about t you all the time when i don't even know you? its crazy but i love it so much you all ha#have watched me grow and change watch me get older and my hair grow longer watch me be happy and i think about that how i might be in your#brain or memories at one point how i have a impact just like how everyone has an impact on me what I'm saying is that no one is ever truly#alone everyone is filled with love and memories to share everyone has a different view on the world and no one truly has the same and i thi#think thats just so special and i get to see it! i get to talk to people everyday and listen and learn and its so special
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actually jjk was made to make everyone suffer but specifically gojo and by extension every child he has ever so much as considered caring for
#gege thought up the most silly interesting character ever. and wsas like. what if i put him thru hell.#there is something to be said about gojo being the strongest but not being able to be there to help#THE FUCKING GUILT IF HE GETS OUT OF THAT BOX#and rage#like bro#those are his kids 😭 he is their funky uncle.. and they are being traumatized#everybodies just gonna die at the end i swear.#it'll probably be better then whatever gege has cooked up.#i am an angst lover but oh my gosh. even i baulk at this.#also. look me in the eyes and tell me gojo is a father figure.#he is not.#sometimes. maybeeee maybeeeeee tentatively. but that never lasts longer then a couple minutes#he's like their uncle whos house they stay at every summer or something
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anyone else feel like they are playing dress up all the time and no matter how you present yourself it's always wrong? or is that just me.
#I wanted so long to be more masc and I finally am#and it's definitely better than being feminine (for me)#but it's still. off. somehow#like I'm trying to have some sort of swagger that I don't... or like I'm compensating#I've been really feeling it this last couple days#I feel almost like it's a costume and everyone can tell and they all know I just want to be something I can't be (a man)#I don't think people actually are? but my brain is pretty sure they are all just kind of like#'silly girl... yes yes youre masc and handsome. (really what is she thinking? she looks ridiculous. someday she'll quit.)'#'(she cant ever *really* be a man)'#in like a super patronizing way. sort of the way you talk about little kids who try to act like adults or puppies who try to be intimidatin#that kind of thing#I think perhaps I just feel very very insecure#and the stuff I've been watching on youtube lately hasn't been helping#I was watching like cod edits which turned into weightlifting inspo stuff and has since devolved into weirdly conservative gender norm shit#idk its not even just men though. I feel like I am aping butch women just as much and that I wouldn't fit in there anymore#than I can try to pretend to fit in with men#is this just me feeling the pressure of society believing women shouldn't be masculine? I don't know#I feel garbo though and that I should just put on a giant hoodie and never leave my apartment#(I think it probably doesn't help that no one I am spending regular time around is like me in this way and very much enjoy being women#and they really like the 'im just a girl' sort of jokes and while I fit in a lot of other ways that feels extremely alienating)
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#this is gonna be so tmi sorry i’m advance but#how am i supposed to deal with having a body and every mental illness and stomach problems and throat problems and being ugly and having no#hobbies or life skills or a job#i need to find a job but i also have to deal with my stomach and my throat so i can be well enough to actually move my body to find a job#but i don’t have much money left so i can’t focus on those things either so i’m spending literally hours a day in the bathroom and it hurts#to speak#and i don’t want to feed myself i don’t want to take my meds i don’t want to do anything but get high which also physically hurts also bc#throat#and i have to do PT everyday so i can shit better but i also need to find a job so i can’t waste silly energy on things like that but then i#can’t get a job because i feel like shit and am shitting literally all the fucking time#and obviously the logical thing should be to just take care of my health today so i can be good to#tomorrow to find a job right? wrong actually! tomorrow it’ll be something’s#and the day after that#n the day after that#and every day after that one too!#but no one is actually willing to help me with anything because i am a 1 dimensional human being who spawned yesterday who has never heard#of things like “’building tenacity’ and ‘having structure’ there’s actually nothing wrong with me i’m just lazy i guess!#but if i wanna kill myself that’s wrong and bad and needs to be stopped immediately#other people seem to look at suicidal people and go ‘i have no reason to want to kill myself so other people just need to push it through :)#thug it out lol’ and it’s like actually these are very good reasons to want to die#i have spent the last 9 years actively in treatment actively working on myself actively trying to build a better life#it has only gotten worse#don’t talk to me about getting over to the other side. i’m on it. it’s just as bad as every other one of the sides#life doesn’t ever get better for some people and just because that wasn’t true for you and your life did get better doesn’t mean other#peoples lives every will get better. like it is straight up not possible for me to have a better life. and i know this for a fact because if#it was#i would have it now and i would have had it for a while
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