#the second because it's a big more of a slog and because it's the one i reread most recently (and did enjoy--it's just easy to stall out)

[fictionadventurer]

Potential May Reading:

Once a Queen by Sarah Arthur

Pioneer Girl: The Path into Fiction

"The Moorland Cottage" by Elizabeth Gaskell

One of the Glen St. Mary books in the Anne of Green Gables series

Something by G.K. Chesterton

Something about Lincoln and/or the Civil War

Something about art

[saladscream]

Alas, the best things do come to an end eventually, and they’d been riding side by side all morning, mostly in companionable silence, when disaster struck under the form of Arthur believing himself to be subtly clever. “So, Merlin…” he began in a teasing tone that made the back of Merlin’s neck prickle in warning. “How about you tell me of that mystery man of yours?” “That mystery man of mine…” Merlin echoed flatly. “Yes. The one who tickles your fancy. Don’t think you can pull the wool over my eyes,” the prince admonished with all the self-confidence of the deluded prat. “Come on, you can tell me.” Merlin glanced his way and pursed his lips, gauging how far he could take the charade. “Oh well,” he said. “You know him better than I do.” “How so?” “Because he only dwells in your imagination.” Arthur made a rude disparaging noise, then went on, “I don’t know why you’re being so secretive, Merlin. You know you can’t keep a secret for long. You’re a natural blabbermouth.” “A blabbermouth?” Merlin said as he ducked a low branch. “Still better than being a dollophead.” “Now see? That’s obfuscation. And it’s not working.” “Damn, now you’re waving around the big words.” To which Arthur only gave Merlin a side look and a smirk. “He’s a knight,” the prick announced with perverse relish. Merlin frowned, a bit nonplussed. “What makes you think that?” “Oh I just know,” Arthur said smugly. “A fine knight with blonde hair, blue-eyes, impeccable manners, big calloused hands…” Merlin’s heart wedged itself just a tiny bit sideways in his throat. “He sounds good, when do I meet him?” he asked without so much as a tremor in his voice. “Well, he could’ve been travelling with you right this instant had you not been so damn difficult.” And then everything began to slot horribly into place. “What the… You tried to set me up with one of your bloody knights?!” Merlin blurted out in disbelief. “And you think I’m besotted with Leon? Or Erwan? What is wrong with you?!” “They’re the finest knights in Camelot!” And Arthur had the gall to blush and look offended by his finding fault with his choice. “And they’re both blonde,” he added with a supreme pout. “What the hell does that have to do with ANYTHING?!” The cry of utter outrage scared away the birds in the surrounding trees. “You like blondes.” “Less and less by the second!” And thank goodness, at least Arthur had the intelligence to seem insulted by that. “God…” Merlin shook his head. Just when he thought the man couldn’t be anymore of an idiot, he just had to outdo himself. “Seriously. Erwan?” “The man worships the ground you walk on,” Arthur argued the most naturally in the world. “And he’s the most adorable killing machine I’ve ever met.” “Oh because that’s obviously what makes me go weak at knees. An adorable killing machine.” Merlin rolled his eyes loudly, then cleared his throat a little when something in his chest gave a guilty wobble. “Well, go on then, educate me if you will. What makes you go weak at the knees?” the cabbagehead scowled. “That’s personal.” “I’m beginning to think you have no idea yourself.” “And I’m beginning to think a lifetime of strict abstinence is looking more and more like a desirable option if it saves me from the horrors of a matchmaking prince.”

This excerpt was brought to you by The Arduous Taming of a Difficult Prat to celebrate the 3k-hit milestone. I know it's ridiculous and terribly vain on my part, but it makes me happy. 🥳😘❤️

(btw, this excerpt is taken from 2/3 into the fic: you'll have a loooong slow burn of a slog to go through before the boys are actually this forthcoming... 😅)

[ghostly-bat]

Yeah so I wrote this in your askbox and I'm now using it as a fic outline.

Teen dad Jon being really laid back with how protective the family is with Damian, he takes the jokes, the threats, the (attempts at excluding him) and the attitudes in stride and an easy smile.

He's not going anywhere, and he knows Damian isn't either. He cut right to the end game and knocked up his high-school sweetheart! (His parents would have preferred him to not still be in actual high school, though.) He is unrepentant, smug even.

He's glad Damian's getting pampered as he finishes up his last semester, he can put his foot down after- when he and Damian have successfully (and secretly because Bruce is in his opinion a little bitch) moved him into the manor after he graduates (after because his mom in his opinion is right about everything and scary).

Then there's an off world mission, something big, all Supers, Lanterns and Martians on deck, "we need to do something before it hits earth, and it will hit earth" kind of big.

Jon only goes because his dad asks him and he knows he wouldn't take him away from Damian and the Babies unless it was necessary.

When it comes to say goodbye his patience nearly snaps when one of the Dami's siblings  says something in the background about Damian and the baby/ies being just fine without him but then his dad comes back to get him going and Damian's kissing him and crying now (pregnancy hormones wont give him peace for even a minute.) So the moment passes incident free.

The mission is a slog.

Communication is consistant but not constant so far away from earth they only have a clear line of connection on the Comms for only fifteen minutes every second day- something about solar winds but Bruce manages to get into a small line about or from Damian and the Babies every few days.

Halfway through Bruce stops handling the mission control in the watchtower passing over to Oliver citing a Gotham emergency, he doesn't get anymore personal messages from there on so Jon is at his wits end by the time the last Enemy has been rooted out, he's spent the last week getting increasingly more violent, more ruthless- just anything to get it done.

Jon just wants to go home, shower, eat his dad's body weight in noodles, and use Damian's thighs as earmuffs for at least two hours before he sleeps for four days straight. He's never leaving earth again until the kids are in their thirties and Damians finally pushing him into a spacecraft to get some peace, he thought Jon was annoying before? that's nothing now.

The fight is finished it's been three weeks, three entire weeks of Damian's third trimester what has he missed? Do his babies still have that weird fluff covering them?

Clark turns to him, gives him a good check over before nodding him off. Usually doesn't let Jon shirk any clean up responsibilities but he didn't even want to drag Jon away from Damian in the first place so he sends him off with a hug and a kiss Jon's to share with his Mom as son as he sees her.

It another two days before he touches down in the watchtower for decontamination and debriefing but when he gets out of the decom Nightwing is there to meet him instead of Oliver or Bruce for his debreif, looking wrecked.

"Damians gone."

Oh I don't think I can explain how honored I am for you to drop this into my ask box because oh my god I'm so invested.

I love that Jon is so smug about his consequences too, like yeah that checks for him.

What also checks for him is the fact that yeah he would get increase in violent and impatient to the point where people are maybe a little concerned and they tell him to maybe chill out a little bit but how can he? He's got Damian back on earth with their baby, his got family and the other heroes need to respect that.

And you left me on a cliffhanger too what the heck anon.

Ugh let me tell you this is a fic that I would become obsessed with 😔 subscribed to it and everything!

[i-cant-cast-that-yet]

Listen, I had a whole diatribe typed out train of thought style on aroace shen yuan, but I miss clicked somewhere and now it's gone but while I'm too tired to rewrite it all I'll give yall the spark notes.

Please keep in mind, this is mostly based on my specific experiences with being aroace-- as I myself am, and also me hard-core projecting. If this comes off as strange, it's because I'm a little strange myself. Also this probably makes no fucking sense so good luck.

Aroace Shen Yuan:

He's aware of PIDW Binghe being archetypically "hot," but doesn't personally get the appeal. He's seen the fanart, he's read through the copious amounts of papapa in the novel, he's aware that Binghe is suave n sexy n mysterious and that on paper he's supposed to be a chick magnet, but naturally shen yuan is straight so He's not into it obviously.

And you know what? I really do believe that pre-transmigration shen yuan wasn't actually attracted to fictional binghe. Not even in a parasocial or subconscious way. He was, however, definitely obsessed with his blorbo. It was about his deep fascination with the specific trope inversion binghe represented. It's the one thing that kept shen yuan engaged when the novel gradually took a nosedive beyond anything resembling a self-respecting internal narrative and fell face first into weekly updates of binghe's conquests and escapades. It's about how much shen yuan loved to read about binghe having to use his wits to overcome his obstacles when his early life disadvantages came to rear their heads and keep him from blasting through all obstacles. His weaknesses eventually made him strong, and even though that plot point was likely the first to disappear with the in-world discovery of xin mo, the promise that binghe might retain that level of intrigue kept him worth slogging through the rest of the novel.

That, and the longer the story goes on, the more tragic binghe's narrative becomes and the more protective shen yuan feels; the more righteous indignation the narrative evokes in him. Binghe is disrespected by the very text he's borne from in the perversion of his original wants. Binghe wants a home, love, stability, respect from his peers, and most importantly, he wants security and the apologies he was denied as a young boy. As the story goes on, these desires are given solutions that don't address the root causes via endless harem drama. This is likely because of xin mo exacerbating binghe's insecurities and amplifying his need for dual cultivation to manage his own unstable meridians, but for an ace shen yuan, this reliance on not only sex but meaningless sex with wives who because of circumstances outside of anyone's control cannot truly give binghe any of the emotional consolation he needs to work past his own issues, must have been infuriating. Add on the layer of vague disgust at having to be essentially coerced by an evil sword to rely on sexual encounters for both your physical wellbeing via cultivation, but also as a thinly veiled imitation of a coping method for binghe's complete lack of control over his childhood circumstances, and then to watch those real issues get chopped up into monster of the week papapa with whatever new fetish bait wife airplane has cooked up for the masses? I'd go fuckin bonkers too, man.

All of this to say, I think when shen yuan dies and ends up as shen qingqiu and then meets young binghe, he's probably intensely second-hand guilty alongside his terror and confusion. This is his Little Guy, his Big Terrible Dude, all wrapped up into a doe eyed, bruised little boy that he's supposed to bully now under threat of death. This is the little boy with so much kindness in his heart and so many more reasons to hate instead. This boy hasn't chosen hatred yet, but now shen yuan has to play his part in incubating that choice towards anger and self destruction and there's nothing he can really do about it.

He tries, of course, because shen yuan isn't going to let some nebulous system strong-arm him into abusing a child, even if in the end he can't avoid the truest of damning events in the endless abyss, he tries because he can't stomach letting this boy hurt more than fate is bound to force him to hurt himself.

But I'm losing sight of the point here. Back to the aroace funny bit.

I think that within the text of the canon svsss novel, we have enough textual evidence to safely call shen yuan demi. Yes, that man is deeply repressed, but something about his specific flavor of fond, resigned acceptance to binghe's actions post canon in relation to their marital bed n whatnot, I think he's attracted to binghe, but I don't think he's like...*attracted* attracted. This is where the grey area really begins. There's a sort of attraction that as an ace person I like, conceptually experience. The idea of having someone being like, handsome and having big muscles, and being into you, etc, that's all well and good in a vacuum, but in reality? Rather not.

I'd like to posit the idea of shen yuan being eventually comfortable trying to open up both to himself and to binghe largely because for the longest time, shen yuan still has the internal feeling that nothing in this world is real.

That binghe is still, at his core, fictional.

Idk about yall, but attraction to fictional characters is so much more palatable than attraction to a real individual. Mind you, I am actively aroace, and I've never dated in my 23 years alive, so this is real projection hours, but I digress, I myself have had a handful of crushes in my runtime that I've never bothered to act on out of pure disinterest in the act of romantic or emotional connection with others.

When you can't see yourself wanting to engage with the full complexity of another person on such an intimate level, either emotionally or physically, but you still feel deeply attached to them on a level bordering obsession, its...disconcerting to say the least. I feel like if shen yuan cared so deeply for binghe, would put up with his clingyness and his antics and his possessiveness, but never fully saw him as real? It'd be devastating if binghe even found out, and shen yuan really doesn't want to hurt him, but he can't manufacture a feeling where it doesn't exist. He's devoted to binghe, he enjoys making binghe happy, he wants to be with binghe, but he knows he isn't feeling the way his wives were written to feel about binghe and that makes him worry.

Sure, he feels 'a frission of heat' or whatever bs airplane had yapped about occassionally, and binghe's muscles do indeed 'bulge provocatively' quite often, but it's not the same, dammit. He loves binghe, but he's not quite sure he's in love with being in love. He's attracted to binghe, but none of the tropes he's been pushed into by the system have done anything but make him roll his eyes and sidestep whatever papapa plot line he's stumbled into.

And just maybe, it all makes him feel like he doesn't actually love binghe, and that he's been lying to him all over again. That he's doing exactly what shen yuan tells himself he was forced to do against his will, and that he's chosen to hurt binghe this way.

What shen yuan doesn't understand is that binghe realized a long ass time ago that his shizun isn't a very romantic person, but he is nothing but caring. That his shizun may not be a typical lover, but that couldn't matter less in binghe's eyes because shen qingqiu is choosing to keep binghe around even when it so clearly goes against what feels natural to the other man because he simply wants to have him around.

There's a lot to be said around the idea of "ace people can still love," and how it leaves a bad taste in my mouth as a predominantly aromantic individual, but that's neither here nor there, but I think there's something even more impactful to be spoken about people who can't, don't, or won't love in a "normal" or "typical" fashion, but who still choose to hold space for another in their life. For those who find themselves in love with someone who can't quite love them back "properly," but who yearn so strongly that they take what they can get. For those who don't need flowers and declarations of undying love, but a listening ear and a willing companion to spend their days with.

...

Also I think it would drive bingge up the fucking WALL trying to seduce his not-shizun and pulling out all the stops only for literally none of it to work lmao.

Anyway I'm gonna go rot in a corner at work now, lmk if I should like, elaborate further on anything or delete this haha

[malk1ns]

march 30 vs senators, 1-0 OT win

kind of shocked we finally beat this team tbh? and who else but sid...scoring a goal that looked an awful like geno's signature slapper, eh?

previous soulbond installments: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

The game is boring as fuck.

Normally, Sid appreciates a good goalie duel. It’s fun to watch the back-and-forth, the athleticism and technique it takes to keep a game at zeroes. Tonight, though…

Part of it is because they’re playing the Sens. Sid has fond memories of games against Ottawa, but they haven’t been interesting games in about…well, eight years. Instead it’s just a slog, trying to throw shots on goal and avoid whatever juiced-up fourth-liner is trying to make a name for himself by headshotting a star. 

Plus, the Penguins have been losing more often than not recently. Add it all together, and Sid usually exits these games grumpy and frustrated.

That’s a big part of why he caves to Geno’s begging so easily. Not the only reason, but any other team and Sid might have held his ground for longer.

Geno’s a huge pain in the ass when he’s out injured. Sid’s no hypocrite, he knows he’s annoying too, lurking around the rink and begging the medical staff to check him out one more time, just in case, but ever since they bonded he’s been treated to a 360 surround-sound first-row seat to Geno’s discontent at being out, and it’s getting to him.

Geno spares Sid from the nitty-gritty of his rehab and the extent of the pain he’s in—he’s a lot more sensitive about Sid experiencing injury even second-hand than Sid realized he was before they bonded—but he doesn’t have any such hesitancy over popping into Sid’s head unsolicited at all hours to complain about the latest delay, or that Dharmesh won’t let him skate with the team even in a non-contact jersey, or how sick the painkillers are making him.

He’s still so much better at the bond than Sid is, and Sid’s beginning to worry that’s just how it’s always going to be, no matter how much time he spends practicing.

Even with Geno’s proficiency, Sid had almost laughed at him when he suggested it after their nap today. Using the bond to share feelings and even have rudimentary chats is one thing—one very good thing, especially during sex—but Geno suggesting he could actually…inhabit Sid’s body or something, even just for a little bit? There’s no way.

By the time they troop back for second intermission, though, Sid’s bored enough to think about it.

Geno catches his line of thought almost immediately, and the excited buzz that fills Sid’s head makes him wince. He’s not sure where Geno is; he never comes into the room during intermission when he’s out, and it’s probably for the best. If they’re really going to try this, Geno probably should be somewhere out of the way, nowhere near any staffer who could come across whatever state he’s going to be in while trying to play on Sid’s behalf and freak out—or worse, tattle on them and bring the bond specialists back.

They’ve been doing a very good job pretending that they’re not working on making their bond stronger in their off-hours. Sid’s confident that the coaches and Dubas know better and are turning a blind eye, but he’s not willing to draw the attention of anyone who feels like being a snitch.

Fine, he thinks as hard as he can in Geno’s direction. He’s not sure he’s managing specifics yet, but the gist must get across based on Geno’s reaction. Not until halfway through the third, okay? Check first.

Geno fills Sid’s head with a warm, comforting hum that Sid relaxes into for the rest of intermission. He does his best to look like he’s listening to the coaching staff, it’s important to set a good example for the kids they’ve got playing up this week, but Ruts talks enough on the bench that even if Sid zones out the entire intermission he’ll probably get it recited back to him before they’re out for their second shift.

Besides, Geno in his head is its own kind of game prep. Sid doesn’t know exactly what this is that Geno’s doing, but it distracts him from the aches of the game, and when he shakes his head in time to get to his feet and wait by the door with Tanger to get back out onto the ice he’s focused and refreshed.

Part of him hopes the game picks up in the third. He agreed to try, but he’s nervous. Sid has no idea how Geno would manage to slip into his mind and take control of his body, but what if it hurts? What if something goes wrong? The game plods on, though, and by the time the third commercial break is blown, Sid’s ready. At least it will break the tedium.

He sits at the end of the bench and grabs the iPad, pretending to look at something intently enough that nobody bothers him, and relaxes his mind, reaching back to where he can feel Geno the strongest.

When Geno flows into his brain, Sid nearly drops the tablet onto the floor, but he—Geno—they catch it at the last second, before anyone notices the way his fingers go lax.

Woah, Geno says clear as day, and Sid startles a little.

They don’t really use words. Sometimes when Geno’s really excited or focusing hard he can get one full word across, but normally it’s just…feelings, general sensations. This, though? It’s like Geno’s in Sid’s head with him, thinking alongside Sid’s own thoughts.

It’s weird. Sid shies away from Geno’s presence at first, but Geno bumps insistently up against him until Sid settles enough to let them take up space together.

Sid almost trips when he steps onto the ice for his shift; Geno’s used to longer strides, and Sid feels him go too far and tries to pull him back, and the conflict almost sends Sid face-first to the ice when he’s trying to streak down to the defensive zone and get the puck back. Sid’s body catches itself, though, and Sid consciously pulls back, letting Geno take the driver’s seat.

It’s…weird. It’s not bad, but feeling his body move without him consciously deciding to, feeling the way Geno’s handling the puck using his hands and knowing that it’s not normal, is strange.

It’s also incredibly intimate. Sid and Geno have had sex as often as possible over the last five months, and Sid’s been four fingers deep in Geno’s hole while he’s choking on Geno’s dick, and he still doesn’t think they've ever felt this close.

Geno’s thoughts turn wryly amused at that, and Sid nudges his attention back to the game.

Watching Geno process the on-ice action is fascinating. He sees everything so well, always a few steps ahead of everyone else, and he tries stuff with the puck that Sid would never in a million years normally attempt. It’s exhilarating, and Sid can feel Geno’s pleasure at being able to play again, with linemates who can keep up for once, as if it’s his own.

And then Geno gets into a fight.

Sid mentally rolls his eyes as hard as he can as the ref skates them over to the box. Did you need to pop his helmet off, I’m gonna be hearing about that for weeks, he complains, but Geno ignores him, tugging Sid’s gloves off and flexing Sid’s fingers as he radiates satisfaction.

Sighing, Sid settles back and watches the penalty kill get to work. 

They make it through regulation still deadlocked, and Sid can feel Geno’s frustration as clearly as his own. Sid considers kicking him out for OT, but Geno’s practically vibrating inside Sid’s skin, and in Sid’s experience Geno plays his best when he’s just a little angry.

Overtime starts. They’re on the power play. Sid settles in for the ride.

Geno scoring to end the game feels inevitable. Karl sends the puck their way, and Geno winds up and slaps it into the net from behind the hash marks, a goal Sid’s seen him score too many times to count by now. Feeling it, the way Geno’s—Sid’s—their arms flex, the power behind that shot, is an entirely different matter.

Holy fuck, Sid thinks, as loudly and clearly as possible to be heard over the cacophony of their teammates piling on them in celebration. That was so hot. You’re getting your dick sucked when we get home.

You get hot watching yourself score? Geno thinks smugly, taking a wide circle to make sure the puck makes its way to their locker room to hand over to Ville before getting in the goalie line. 

You’re right, it was me who actually got that one, Sid says, wishing that Geno had done his usual driveby stick tap and headed straight to the locker room; they don’t have much time before someone goes looking for Geno, and Sid wants to get the postgame stuff over with so he can hustle them home and tumble Geno into bed. You’d feel the same way, eh? Hey, I’ll prove it—when we get home, you suck me off and I’ll record you, and if I can’t get you off while you watch yourself back you can make fun of me for this as long as you want.

Geno falls out of Sid’s head so quickly he almost stumbles again, rocking forward into Rusty who looks back and raises an eyebrow suspiciously.

Sid smiles as blandly as he can until Rusty shakes his head and faces forward.

He’s pretty sure the footage of him getting the game helmet is unusable. Normally he’d stop to apologize to comms about that, but tonight he’s too busy hustling Geno out to his car to say goodbye to anyone.

Sid’s sure they would understand if they knew what he was going home to.

[mistfallengw2]

Absolution gives me thoughts. Not bad, but many.

Map is cool and definitely manages the vibe it's going for, this expansion they showcased that better than ever in specific things (or at least I did feel it particularly strong). A tad empty though. Meta is... fine? Short for sure, and the "reversal of expectations" (big boss first, divide and conquer later) is a choice indeed lol. Rewards definitely need to be better though. Time to delve into achievs and fractal.

Now... the expansion as a whole is still very valid and I had plenty of fun, but we can't ignore the elephant in the room. The story is... rushed. No way around it. Not egregious like with SotO's second half, they still got in the ballpark of some beats they wanted to reach, but I can distinctively feel the agony left from the parts they had to rush through or cut away (at this point I've got a 6th sense for it in all media and it's rough). That said, the overall vibe of the whole story does kinda strengthen my theory that SotO, JW and the next expansion are part of (at least) a trilogy centered around the Wizards, but we'll see lol. It's just a theory, a loooooore theory!

Now, for the big thoughts...

The expansion type is easy to blame, but that's not the whole issue by itself, it's more tied to the kind of story they want to tell and the update structure that doesn't fit it their scope. Old expansions were similar to movies, with mostly self-concluding storylines that are limited to shorter spans of time (HoT was a month and a half and likely the longest), while LW Seasons had the structure of a tv series that can be more episodic with smaller focused storylines while still advancing the underlying bigger plot. Each was suited for its story, and having them alternate meant we got the best of both worlds.

Current expansions are still trying to make a movie with stories like before, but the current release schedule means that they start strong with the first half of the movie, then chop the rest of it into smaller episodes to keep it going for longer as if it was a small series (trying not lose players' ever-dwindling attention). Now THAT is going to ruin any movie/story, regardless of its quality. Imagine if HoT's story was was identical, but you had to wait around for 3 months for each map and story beat past Auric Basin. It'd be cool up until the egg is safe in the pretty city, then it'd be just a little better "slog" than what we're getting now.

SotO also had the problem of trying to cram what felt like 1.5 expansions into a smaller one (Wizardland was a strong start, but then we moved to Nayos... which could have easily been an expansion on its own if expanded and with different maps), so the narrative was hit hard like one of those terrible book adaptations that resort to cutting everything they can. JW managed to do better with its pacing, at least the pauses felt more natural in-story (Lowlanders' torpor, recouping from reasonable aftermaths, "can't enter because the key is dangerous so we gotta find alternatives" instead of deadly fogs), but it still feels "abridged" like Champions in a way.

Budget and time constraints hit old stuff big time too (just look at the 4th lane of Dragon's Stand, Siren's Landing, Kourna, the "gotta rush ahead" moment in every expansion, etc), but it was easier to hide that when it's on longer playthroughs.

I don't envy the devs, because working on a full expansion would mean 2 years of content drought in a no-attention-span environment, and we're already seeing the gut reaction for less than 150 days of that. Doing the "1 year per release" model on time was a great flex (especially if they are actually not compromising work-life balance), but I do hope for it to shift towards "more than 1 year as needed" instead, like they're doing now. I'm also fine with waiting 4 months between releases if they get to breathe a bit, and I'll beat that acceptance into annoying people if needed. One good solution would be less at the start and spreading that out to secondary releases (maybe even a return to LW format with more or less equal releases), but we'll see what we get.

Also let's face it, if IBS hadn't failed due to Covid and the nostalgia-fueled expansion demand from higher-ups and annoying fans, we might have ended up with the "Living World but paid and bigger" concept many were ready to pay for years ago. Instead, we got there via the wrong process.

We knew Kiel fucks, we knew Logan fucks, but we didn't know they fuck together lmao (also Jennah holy fuck r u for real gurl?)

[havens-iphone]

ʜᴇᴀᴠʏ ᴄʜᴇꜱᴛ✧.*

bestfriend!megumi x f!reader

megumi miscommunicates his feelings to 'cure' his heavy chest.

↳˳;; ❝ part of my jealous? me? never! fic, masterlist here ᵕ̈೫˚∗

content: angst, miscommunication, implied relationship, readers pronouns are she/her, toge being a jerk, smau briefly, a few weeks after

wc: 1k

an: currently on the school bus 4 a trip nd writing this out 😭 kinda rushed, pls don't come at me

﹋﹋

megumi slogs into the school, giving a nasty look to anyone who isn't you. especially when he see's inumaki.

megumi doesn't know what hurts him more, the fact that his ex-bestfriend is choosing to try and win over his bestfriend that inumaki knows he likes, or the fact that your choosing to be friends with inumaki rather than just hearing him out on this one.

he decides before lunch would be the best time to discuss it with you and he shoots you a text.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

you left him on seen, which was unusual of you but he assumed it was because of the little arguments you guys had the previous few weeks.

he wasn't mad you had decided to rule out being friends with him for yourself, he understood, but he was still hurt a decent amount considering you guys had been friends for 15 years.

megumi came out of his trance and his heart started to race when he saw your little '...' bubble pop up.

all the hope quickly left him and his heart sank when it disappeared. megumi was disappointed. he had prayed that you would still show up so he can truly express his heavy feelings about this situation to you.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

it was 30 minutes before lunch and megumi clutched his phone in his clammy hand as he jogged to the meeting location.

he was praying this wasn't for nothing and that you would actually show. 5 minutes pass, then 10. he was slowly loosing hope that you would actually show.

all of a sudden, he saw you shuffle up to the tree out of the corner of his eye. he didn't wanna show it but he was happy. happy that you showed. happy that you cared.

"hi megumi." you say, shyly. he worries, why are you shy around him? you're never shy near him, and you never should be.

"hi y/n," megumi answered. he tries to add on to his sentence with his reason of bringing you here but you cuts him off.

"listen, i know its really soon but, i think i like toge. and he told me that you guys are bestfriends so i thought you could help me out. you know, since you and him are bestfriends and so are we," you confess.

megumi feels his heart sink all the way down to the core of the earth. you like toge. you like toge and not megumi. out of all the people that like megumi, you are not one of them. toge has now gotten you officially wrapped around his finger and there was nothing in the universe megumi could do about it besides wait.

he blinks away the few tears threatening to fall out of his tear ducts at any given moment and stutters.

"oh, y/n," i continue, "that's.. great. i'm so happy for you. you guys are gonna be so cute together..!" he lies out of his teeth.

he was praying all this time that maybe, just maybe, he could revamp this relationship he had made with you and finally confess his feelings that he's had pent up for years but now that chance has faltered.

you don't catch onto the little big lie megumi had told and continue.

"thank you, gumi! i'm so happy you understand. you know what's funny," you pause for a few seconds of silence, "i actually thought you and me would get together!"

megumi was sure he was absolutely sobbing his eyes out by now.

"i had liked you and i was sure you liked me but after these few weeks, i told myself to move on because i could tell by the way you were acting towards me and shit that you hadn't liked me.." concluded y/n.

megumi was about to go batshit insane. you had liked him, and you hadn't said anything to him. megumi didn't wanna lash out at you so he chose to go for the better option and ditch this whole talking-things-out plan all together.

"oh! haha.." he fakes, "that's funny y/n. what's the ti- oh shitt! i have to um, go somewhere. b-bye now, y/n." he lies with a scarily convincing fake smile.

you noticed he hadn't been using the little nickname he had given you after you gave him the nickname 'gumi' but you shrugged it off.

megumi was so fucking dumbfounded. why wouldn't you just say something to him? it was so clear as day that he had liked you! he made it so obvious and he even had yuji help him out on making it even more obvious!

megumi ran out of the school, leaving a trail of tear drops soak up little spots on the floors behind him.

he stops to take a breather. meanwhile. you pace as you head to lunch.

you let your mind wonder about megumi. why was he acting so weird? did something happen? why did he run off so quick? did he wanna ask me something?

you decided on stopping your stupid mindset and just hurrying up to lunch as fast as possible. you knew toge was probably waiting for you, and you were (almost) positive megumi was a-ok.

once you get your lunch, you head over to the table at which you and toge both sit at. you see toge waiting for you to eat his meal and quickly advance over to the table.

"hi toge!" you speak, excited. he flashes a cute smile as you and responds.

"hey y/n/n!"

you completely forget about the whole weird interaction with megumi and continue to chat with toge but megumi doesn't let his mind rest from you.

he can't stop thinking about you and how to stop you from liking toge and to like him. he knows there has to be some way and that he can finally, hopefully, get you to see that he does love you.

he plots on finally discussing the whole thing and maybe asking you out. that part is still in the works though. he's not sure if now is the right time.

he wipes off his tears and takes a deep inhale, hoping to get you back.

@1l-ynn @theweirdfloatything @morideadcat

[wintersoulwitch]

Stage/Fright second viewing - changes/things I noticed

Right finally home after that epic cross-country slog via National Express! Currently feeling like I never want to leave my house ever again... but we all know I'm checking the box office website every day in case another decently priced Saturday ticket appears... And now thinking that other events (eg BFI screenings) that I'd previously written off as impossible are more attainable than I'd thought.

Anyway, enough about me. You're here for Stage/Fright deets.

This time I was in the Grand Circle, so way up at the top. I was able to see the whole stage at once, unlike during my first viewing. And I could see that there were bronze hare ears poking up from one of the boxes!

The violinists were in matching sequined gowns - they looked sort of plum-coloured? And when they played the intro to act 1, there were shadows projected onto the red theatre curtain, like the chair with restraints that is used in act 2.

This time I noticed that Toby (Reece's understudy) came on stage first, then left and was replaced by Reece. That totally passed me by during my first watch, and I think it was because I was just so excited to recognise/realise that they were doing the "theatre audience" material, and then once Reece was in front of me my brain short-circuited and wiped all thoughts apart from "omg he's so beautiful."

I don't know if this is a change, or if I wasn't able to see them clearly last time, but I noticed spotlights being used to highlight people at various points. Like, when R&S did their opening talk to the audience after the intro there was a large spotlight on the both of them when they were centre stage, and it split into two smaller separate follow spots when they moved apart.

I spotted a couple of differences/tweaks in the BCDR/Kidnappers section in the first half - I'll do a separate post about that.

During the Elements Song this time I saw that different jars and bottles on the shelves lit up as Reece pointed at them: "And iodine 💡 and thorium 💡 and thulium 💡and thallium 💡"

They've changed the wheelchair that Reece uses in Act 2. During the first night preview (which I didn't attend), Reece was brought on to the stage and then restrained in the chair. In the show I saw last week, he was already in the wheelchair, and it was this big wooden thing. This time, it's a smaller and simpler metal wheelchair. And it makes the leg-cutting illusion look better, honestly! Much harder to see where Reece might be hiding his real leg.

They’ve changed the script a bit at the end before the final song and dance number - now instead of the bus joke, Reece hurries Steve off stage and says "you’ve got a really quick change." And then walks to the front of the stage, picks up the fallen light that "killed" Steve and says "it’s time for some light entertainment."

And some stuff that people asked me to keep an eye out for... R&S touching each other. They don’t touch in the opening section, and then in BCDR it’s just when Len smacks Tommy on the arse (and Tommy goes "ooh hoo!" and does a little jump). The most touching is during the bit in the 2nd act when Steve breaks character and hugs Reece. The hug goes on for a while and when Steve pulls back he leaves his hand on Reece’s chest/holding on to the cardigan Reece is wearing for a moment like he doesn’t want to let go. During the song and dance at the end, at the bit where he jokes "Reece Shearsmith stole my diary," Steve does put his hand on Reece’s shoulder/back of neck in that way he does. And then during the final curtain call they hold hands before the bow. Just R&S at first, then they hold hands with the rest of the cast.

Oh and after Reece says "maybe every ghost story is really just a love story" and there's that long pause... they are staring into each others' eyes the whole time. And the carnations... There's been a change! During the final song and dance the men have different flowers in their buttonholes. They were definitely carnations the first time I saw them - and I assume real ones otherwise they wouldn’t have changed them - but the flowers this time were more like floofy white puffs of silk in a flower shape.

I also wanted to note that they seemed much more comfortable with the song and dance routine this time. They weren't awkward before by any means, but they've definitely relaxed into it and really seem to be having fun. I think giving Steve a bit more time to change has helped (the first time I saw them, Steve's shirt front rolled up a bit to show his black top underneath). We all know Reece is a mover (he could have won Strictly, you know! And not just as the comedy one!) and it was super lovely to see him getting into it and doing all his little leg kicks and hand waves. He really seemed to be enjoying himself.

Finally at the very end, when they do the final "laughter is my memory of you" they now start off like they're going to point at each other, then pause and spin to the audience instead. Which is a really nice touch!

[utilitycaster]

this might be a weird question but i’d appreciate your take: do you feel like characters were made to behave in out of character ways to make room for bells hells and their decisions? like Essek going out of his way to reveal himself to save ashton (someone he has very little connection to), or Taliesin’s assertion that Caduceus believes that BH forcing the gods to become mortal was the kindest thing for everyone? Even the gods stared behaving in strange ways this campaign, at least to my eyes. Am I looking too far into this?

You are looking a little too far; I think it's case by case but for the most part, no, other characters mostly behaved in character within the bounds of D&D, ie, yeah on some level this always happens. A good example of this happening in an earlier campaign is if you recall a lot of the discussion of Yeza, people tended to call him toxically positive or too agreeable sometimes. And the thing is, he's an NPC and Veth is a PC and it's just the way things go, that Matt wasn't going to have Yeza blow up at Veth or leave her unless things went way beyond the pale because Veth is the character who makes choices in this format. [I do have thoughts about Party of NPCs that I should write up later because it's a big digression but suffice it to say PCs always get more space to make the choices; it was just more noticeable for Bells Hells because they then often didn't make said choices].

Anyway to go through the specific examples:

Essek? yeah, does feel kind of that way, though it could also be that he feels responsible for Ashton in a way - indirectly, the potions of possibility are due to his actions, and he does take his idea of atonement quite seriously. Hard for me to be a gut check on this one because I found the unwillingness to treat what could have been an incredibly poignant sacrifice as such the true "oh, this finale and campaign are not good" point of no return, honestly.

With the exception of the gods leaving by lottery, apparently, and not by actual character and personality, which did not come into play in the game, thankfully, I felt them to be pretty in character! The Dawnfather is both life-giving and sustaining and also deeply harsh, not unlike the sun, and Ayden specifically was an aspect of the Dawnfather more capable of forgiveness than his entire self. The Raven Queen was, frankly, more of the main character in the end to me than Bells Hells, but I think was played excellently throughout. I think bringing in Abu without direction was a terrible DM-ing choice on Matt's part in terms of the overall story having a coherent arc, but I found Abu's interpretation of the Arch Heart to be incredibly well-played. The Wildmother scene with Orym could have easily been a scene with Fjord or Caduceus in Campaign 2. Honestly, the Prime Deities come off as far more compelling and sympathetic than Bells Hells in this story, half the time, and I think they are consistently played.

I think Caduceus would indeed find this to be the kind choice of the ones they were given. I think it is! And I'm going to leave bullet point mode to again quickly cover why I think Campaign 3 failed as a narrative.

The problem with Campaign 3 is not the specific outcomes of the ending; it is how the narrative to get there was an impossibly muddy slog. Most of the endings fail to feel earned because outcome and action feel decoupled. It's like...if you're familiar with Lord of the Rings, imagine that LOTR was like. Bilbo's party was almost the entire first movie and everything about the ring and the formation of the fellowship took place in 30 minutes at the end. The second movie almost exclusively followed Frodo and Sam arguing about Gollum in circular fashion. And the third movie was more of that until the ending, when Aragorn suddenly showed up and startled Gollum, who had taken the ring, into falling into Mount Doom and then infodumped the entire rest of what happened. The same broad strokes of plot occurred and the ending is pretty much the same, but it falls flat because time was not spent on the right story elements. That's C3. Outcomes fine, setup piss-poor.

I think that the finale of C3 was a uniquely weak episode of actual play but I think that for the most part that was due to DM-ing choices that failed to set this up; people who think it was set up are people who filled in all the blanks themselves based on personal self-indulgence, because that was the core motivator of the outcomes in the end, an external self-indulgence. However, I think overall what happened was the kindest option of the ones we were aware of (personally I think killing Predathos might have been kinder, but we were not aware of it and honestly if the cast didn't watch Matt's fireside they aren't either, so I wouldn't expect Caduceus to be); the problem is that we had no time to see the characters consider it or be motivated by anything other than "I don't want to do anything that someone on twitter could construe as bad" or "fuck yeah I get to boss around the gods," and in doing so did something that people on Tumblr largely construed as dull and unrewarding and unearned. The characters were not at any point motivated by kindness, but they did stumble on the kindest option available/known to them for selfish or ooc reasons and Caduceus is only judging the outcome.

[phoenotopia]

Star Iliad DevLog # 02: The Importance of Pacing

When it comes to making commercial video games, let's just say it's not our first rodeo 😎

(It's our second)

Steam automatically compiles various play data from gamers. From Phoenotopia, I know that we have a roughly even split of keyboard users and gamepad users. From achievements, I can tell which bosses were defeated and how far the player got (although our implementation of achievements requires the user manually unlock it, so it's less useful data). Today, I want to focus on one specific data point—the median playtime for Phoenotopia.

Unfortunately, the median playtime clocks in at 4 hours.

I think that's right when the player reaches Atai.

(Atai - the death place of so many playthroughs)

A working theory has been forming:

Atai is the first real "slog" where players are stuck in one place for a long time. It’s a big town with 70+ NPCs to chat with. It’s easy to get lost, feel like you're not making progress, and then tap out.

Two major quest lines must be completed before reaching the second dungeon: getting the bombs and getting the flute.

Get BOMBS

Meet Lisa and learn of her plight

Find the bomb maker’s house—it's locked.

Tell Lisa you need to unlock a door.

Lisa refers you to Garnet, who gives you a “watch the kids” quest.

Play hide-and-seek with the kids.

Comb through the entire town looking for the kids

Go to the bomb maker's house and claim bombs

Get FLUTE

Meet Lisa and learn of her plight

Find the jailed Ouroboros man—he wants wine.

Go to the tavern—no ID, no wine.

Talk with Lisa and get her ID

Dye your hair to look like Lisa

Buy wine with fake ID

Go to the Ouroboros bandit and exchange it for the flute

Phew. Looking back, that is a LOT. And we don't even have a quest tracker >_>

I love romping through towns and chatting with NPCs—it’s my favorite part of JRPGs (the genre I’d be making if I weren’t making this). But maybe I let that influence the design a bit too much 🤔

During these quests, there’s very little action—unless players explore optional caves (which don’t quite scratch the itch). So after 1-2 hours of town questing, many players drop off. That’s why so many runs end at 4 hours. That's my theory anyway.

That brings us to today’s blog topic: PACING

Long story sequences should generally be avoided—it's a sign of poor pacing. If a long sequence can’t be trimmed down, it should at least be broken up with action. Think of it like making a burger—it needs balance.

(Atai is like the burger on the left—only meaty "story" sequences. A well-paced game is like the burger on the right — it utilizes crucial tomato and lettuce "action" set pieces to mix things up)

Now, one of our new core design goals for Star Iliad is that if you take any 90 minute slice of gameplay from anywhere in the game's campaign, you’ll experience all of the following:

Exploration

Combat

Puzzles

Boss Fight

New Upgrade

Story Progression

That's the core "game loop". Of course, to stay balanced presents its own challenges because we can only control so much. Players set their own pace, and some will inevitably get lost. As designers, we can mitigate this by packing the game with so much content that there's always something new around the corner - make getting lost fun!

(It's going to be a lot of work though...)

It does raise some challenging design questions. For example, how can you deliver "story" sequences when you're deep in the whale's intestines, far away from town?

Our answer is to employ something akin to Metal Gear Solid's codec calls. It's the future and people have "cell phones" (or holographic communicators in our case). You can call NPCs and they can call you (Players can also ignore calls if they'd prefer less story)

To conclude —pacing is important! No more hour+ long story sequences! Excepting a couple scenarios - say at a crucial turning point in the game. Long exposition dumps need to be earned. Pacing is something we’re going to be vigilant about through all of development.

(Steve Ballmer understands how important Pacing is)

Thanks for reading!

(Next update will be in two months, at May’s end)

[nerdragenewvegas]

So Joshua may only read the bibble, from what we see, but would he also read more stuff if he had access? He strikes me as a total bookworm, just one that doesn't many books beyond his religious book. Faye actually has an entire collection of books of her own, photo albums of people she's met during her long ass life(229 years by her count), and her favorite book is The Last Unicorn. Wonder if Joshua would show interest in such a novel, provided Mormons don't typically hate fantasy stories lol.

Oh boy, do Mormons love fantasy stories!

There's a bit of a running joke within the LDS community that there's seven scriptures in the LDS church: The Old Testament, The New Testament, The Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Mormons are super nerds. Like, huge nerds. There's two sort of widely accepted theories on why this is.

The first is the culture. Mormons don't drink, which, as someone who's still a non-drinker, can restrict the kinds of social groups or spaces you fit into a lot more than you'd think. They don't do drugs, have sex before marriage, and they spend one night a week at home together for Family Home Evening. Social activities run by the church are a pretty big part of your life from childhood until you're like, in your 20s and marries, but they go really hard once you hit your teens, and those activities are meant to be wholesome because they're usually organised by the Church itself -- so you get a lot of boardgames! Like, a lot.

D&D is massive in LDS culture. Like, huge. Like, so big that Utah was home to Evermore Park until recently, which is a literal D&D LARP themepark. This thing was in Provo -- which is a college town -- and was extremely successful until mismanagement and COVID ran it into the ground. It's a boardgame activity that can be adjusted and moderated to be as wholesome as the players want, meaning it's perfect for Mormons. I've even seen wards that hold their own D&D nights in the Chapel with campaigns that are tailored to have a religious undertone or message at the end (I went to one and by 'undertone,' it was more that the bad guy was the devil from the bible and that was literally it lol.) Because of the alcohol free culture, LDS men in particular need to find spaces to occupy that don't encourage or 'tempt' them to imbibe. As a result, videogames are huge! Mormonism is fine with violent video games for adults, so you bet the dads all played Halo together when the kids went to bed after family home evening. Wii Bowling was the backbone of family home evening for an entire generation.

So once you've done your 'gateway' activity, it's pretty natural to end up becoming a huge nerd as a result.

The second reason is because of the scriptures themselves. Have you ever read the Book of Mormon? No? Well, don't read the whole thing, a lot of it is a slog (especially Alma. Christ, it just goes on and on.) But if you can find like, a 'best of,' the highlights are nerdy as hell. They're real Lord of the Rings hero moments. Samuel the Lamanite is a pretty good example. Even the regular Old and New Testaments have some real nerdy shit -- and Dinah and Shechem [CN for rape] (which is my favorite bible story, actually, it's a fucking BANGER) is very Game of Thrones-y.

Because of this, Mormons who have grown up with these stories find familiarity and comfort in similar fantasy stories, to the point where I have lost count of how many talks during Sunday chapel or at a YSA fireside I've been to where a matter of faith was compared to something from Lord of the Rings. Lord of the Rings especially holds the crown here with Mormons. I know most people would expect it to be Narnia, but there's something about those little hobbits on their adventure that really just gets Mormons going? There's been actual books written that use the Lord of the Rings story to explore LDS and Christian themes. When I was baptised, one of the missionaries who taught me gifted me my set of scriptures, and on the inside of the cover he had written not a bible quote, but a Lord of the Rings quote. I'm not joking. I'll have to see if I can dig my scripture set out of storage, actually.

Also, it's worth noting that Mormons are really, really into achieving and preserving stuff, like family records, books, etc -- and this is exactly why Mormons end up becoming such a big player in the Fallout universe after the war and why their faith remains so un-changed by the time New Vegas takes place. I'd put money down that the Mormons who went into the Vaults also made great efforts to preserve a lot of fantasy novels, especially Tolkien!

So, yeah, Joshua 100% isn't just likely to be a bit of a bookworm (not only is that a very Mormon trait to have because of the lifelong encouragement to read and study scripture,) but probably really would enjoy fantasy novels. I don't doubt for a second that Joshua has a near encyclopedia level knowledge of Tolkien's works and would probably damned near have a heart attack if he ran into someone who managed to give him an excuse to talk about it. He'd probably enjoy The Last Unicorn as well.

[bengiyo]

2024 Recap: ✨A Summary✨

Post your most popular and/or favourite edit/gifset/analysis for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

@troubled-mind and @my-rose-tinted-glasses brought this back, and @lurkingshan mentioned me in hers.

January:

most popular - Last Twilight Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

favorites - An Apology to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist, and Goblin is One of the Best Shows Ever Made

Seems I decided to cope with Last Twilight’s disappointment by capping off three big catchups. I am still so glad that I went back to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist to watch them properly. I still think these shows get a bad reputation, and I’m curious to see how the Thai version lands with audiences. I feel like I could also say so much more about Goblin, because I’ve also been considering a rewatch.

February:

most popular - Quick Post about How Great It Is to Be a J-BL Fan

favorites - My first interaction with @happypotato48, Love for Love’s Sake Finale, Drama Shower Explainer, My Post About How Much I Love Dynamite

What a fun month! I made a new friend, and found a new favorite show! I was so correct about how much Japanse QL we were getting and how much we’ve gotten in the past year. Though I was disappointed in the end of Drama Shower, I’m still glad that MBS is making BL…and whatever Red Blue is (I want to watch it so bad). My love for Dynamite has only grown since I wrote that post. I need to see so much more Aungpao this year.

March:

most popular - Love is Better the Second Time Around Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

favorites - Perfect Propose Finale, Cherry Magic TH Finale, Cherry Magic Anime Finale

It really was unexpected that we got two good adaptations of Cherry Magic in the same year, both of which would supplant the original adaptation for me. I think the Thai live action might be the best one for viewers, but damn is the anime still my favorite. Perfect Propose also may have been short, but that show has stuck with me. I still think about Kai giving Hiro the first good sleep he’s had in forever.

April:

most popular - Threatening people to tag Unknown spoilers

favorites - A “violence” ask about I used to shout out Tadaima, Okaeri.

This month looks relatively quiet for me, but holy shit was Tadaima, Okaeri unexpected. I was not expecting one of my favorite shows of the year to be an omegaverse husbands becoming dads show.

May:

most popular - Asking other BL fans how often we’d seen a 69 in BL

favorites - My Post About Why I Don’t Like We Are, My Wandee Goodday Check In

Man, I really hoped that Wandee Goodday would be good. I’m still flabbergasted by how badly that show lost me. Oyei and Cher were so important to me. Pour one out for the homies.

June:

most popular and favorite - Love Sea: Tongrak is Kind of an Asshole, and I Like It

other favorites - My Love Mix Up TH: The Adaptation Changes to the Class Play

Becoming a fan of MAME was not something I ever expected of myself, and yet here we are. I’ve now enjoyed three of her shows in a row, and supported another adaptation of her work. I also am so sad that MLMU wasn’t something I could enjoy. I was so amped after Cherry Magic TH and had real hope that this could also be fantastic.

July:

most popular - I Hear the Sunspot Ep 5 Stray Thoughts

You can tell I was traveling this month. I was quiet.

August:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb

favorites - Knock Knock, Boys! review, Office Romance Meditation on The Trainee and Other Shows

There were too many episodes to catch up on after traveling, so I dropped Stray Thoughts. It was probably for the best, because it took up a lot of time, and it made me grumpy to write about shows that were in a slog. I’ve enjoyed writing more focused pieces since.

September:

most popular - Horniest Sex Scenes Ask

favorites - The Trainee Reflection on Adulthood, Happy of the End Review, I Hear the Sunspot Wasted Taichi As a Character

The Trainee was so solid that I wrote about it two months in a row! Unfortunately it coincided with two J-BL losses that I had to mark.

October:

most popular and favorite - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo: We Are So Fucking Back

other favorites - An Apology to The Miracle of Teddy Bear, Love in the Big City Part 1: It’s Gay, Peaceful Property: There’s Nothing Noble About Being Poor

What an incredible month for me! I finished one of the best shows we never got to see properly in 2022, we got a fantastic adaptation of one of the best books I read this year, and Hwang Da Seul came back with an absolute banger.

November:

most popular - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo reaction

favorites - Love in the Big City Part 2: The Weight of Homophobia, Making a Clown of Myself at the Beginning of Your Sky, Ben’s Big BL Blurb 2: Fall is Finally Here, Blue Canvas of Youthful Days: BL is So Good When The Characterization Holds

I feel like I must have had a lot of time to write this month. I still stand by what I said about Blue Canvas at this point, even if the finale threw a lot of this away. I also highlighted my Your Sky post as an example of how exciting the beginning of a new show can be before it veers off and loses steam. 

December:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb 3: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Blew It, But I Still Recommend It

favorites - Random QL Superlatives 2024, Our Youth: “Don’t Do It At School”

I really love the end of the year posts as a time to reflect on everything we watched. What really stood out for me this year was how much I just let go. I’m glad I’ve watched less, and have stuck with things that compelled me in some way. Hilariously, I think it’s actually lowered my overall average, but my general mood is up because I’m not forcing myself to slog through shows. 

You can go here to find your top 10 posts of each month.

[emblemxeno]

Cindered Shadows Thoughts

Btw if you don't wanna see thoughts on my 3H playthrough block this tag #playing fe3h

-Finished it in exactly 8 hours, at least 2 of which could've been an email /s

-It is truly a microcosm of my foundational issues with 3H as a whole, besides two things

-One is that exploration isn't as tedious because Abyss isn't as big as the monastery, but I guess that isn't really a point in its favor since that's the whole point lol

-The second is I feel like Byleth's dialogue and text selections with the characters is a bit better. There's less instances of , what I describe as "characters extrapolating how Byleth feels in 1-2 text boxes before actually responding to what they said", which I swear is a cause for why the main game reads as if it's 10% longer than it's supposed to be.

-IMO unique map objectives don't save map design that's pretty uninteresting at the end of the day.

The first map's layout is cool! Until it gets reused in chapter 4, where it's only saving grace is a new objective utilizing prior knowledge established in chapter 1. Clever, but still a reuse in a game that infamously spams repeat maps. And outside of Chapters 2 (a slog where you defeat enemies in waves which isn't fun in FE) and 7 (a cramped hall where you have to brace against a monster boss), the other maps are reused from the base game, even chapter 3 is a slightly modified sealed forest.

-Combat itself is so slow, I'm really just debating turning off animations in general when tackling the main game. Not only do the animations take forever, but they don't look interesting, are surrounded by washed out textures and models, and-my personal biggest grievance-have absolutely no momentum nor weight behind them. The Tellius games, from what I've seen, yeah the animations take decades, but from a visual and sound design point, fighting feels significant. 3H also being sandwiched between Echoes (the gorgeous culmination of handheld 3D Fire Emblem presentation after half a decade) and Engage (which to me set a new, high bar standard for 3D FE presentation going forward) is an extremely unfortunate situation and I feel really sorry for it.

-Music still hits though, Shackled Wolves never gets old

-Another thing that 3H does that this DLC reminds me of is the amount of -Stand Around- cutscenes there are. It confused me that Engage gets the most heat for this, when this game does it more, due to more drawn out dialogue, simpler camera angles, stiffer models with fewer animations, and an absolutely diabolical background setup. For a game with an expository selling point, it repeatedly falls short at being engaging in a visual sense, with its scenes always being saved by the phenomenal voice acting. Almost always, at least. The scenes where the Wolves are getting their blood drained while they just stand there is so jarring and bad, it's nearly funny, when it's obviously not supposed to be given the lines, their delivery, and the accompanying music.

-The story from A to B is sweet I guess, but given that the devs said the Cindered Shadows version of events is basically non-canon to what happens in the main game sours me on it. Like, yeah it's cool that the Wolves can technically be capable enough to do it offscreen on their own, but then what's the incentive then for me to recruit them beyond the player's pre-established care? There's no narrative payoff in the grand scheme :/

-Also the whole plot is "what if Yuri, Rhea and somewhat Claude/Linhardt do everything and also these other goobers are here" which became really funny, because after a while even the lines had characters deliberating the sheer amount of coincidences and melodrama that was occurring. 3H style writing shoved into an 8 hour timeframe is accelerated, exhausting nonsense.

-Sothis not being in the plot is fine, because even though it doesn't make sense why she wouldn't comment, it's not like there's anything of value she would contribute beyond her usual schtick of "bratty banter, where are my memories, i sleep now".

Not having Jeralt though? Absolutely ridiculous. I don't like Jeralt as a character (he's my idea of pretty face and that's it), but there's no convincing me why he couldn't be here but Alois can. Love Alois! But he was a device used to have the Knights on standby and nothing more, which Jeralt could've done and it would've let him have a proper impact on the ordeal with Aelfric.

Speaking of which, revisiting this DLC had me thinking... wow this love of Aelfric is veering very close to cult-like, and it's cut short after chapter 5 because we don't go back to abyss once that map's done. I'm left with wondering how the Abyss denizens would feel after knowing that their caretaker was Like That™️, which is a completely foreign feeling to me when discussing 3H's narrative since the game normally never lets it be remotely unclear how the characters or the player should feel about anything ever. So... props for that for making me flex that part of my brain! You did it Fodlan, the creepy custodian plotline that was left dangling was great fridge horror material.

-The constant suspicion throwing and animosity towards Rhea and the church is tiring as usual, and also sometimes downright baseless. Like, at one point it's said that orphans are among those who are relegated to Abyss or otherwise ignored on the surface which is flat out not fucking true, Rhea literally takes in former bandit kids and Remire orphans, what are we doing here.

-Balthus has a cringe "fight the system line" meanwhile he's an irresponsible jackass pushing 30; Constance is written like a joke; Hapi's writing is a joke; Yuri is as incomprehensibly competent and storied as ever and I love that cuz it's nonsense.

-Overall, not godawful terrible, but nothing in it that's worth coming back to in my eyes.

[animentality]

i wanted to reply to ur bllk post about u20 world cup and how they gotta lose, but can u PLEASE talk more about this, I'm so interested. unfortunately I'm a himsagi truther but I love when he loses, i desperately needed him to lose in pxg match, and that didn't happen. but now with sae coming back (❤️) but also intro of buratsutas chosen 3, blue lock fall would be the best most engaging thing cuz we've been on the most unbearable win streak for the longest time... 😁 Pls talk more I wanna hear

Ok, first off, I love hearing how you are both a himsagi truther but you also love when he loses.

That makes me like you much more than I like the average himsagi truther. People who love Isagi, but still recognize that he needs to lose sometimes are ok in my book.

Second, I never thought for a second that he would lose the PxG match, because unfortunately, NEL was a predictable slog from beginning to end.

The only interesting thing that happened was Nagi being locked off. And that was a GREAT story decision, and it will do SO MUCH for his character, already has, in fact.

And that shows the POWER of letting your protagonists fail sometimes.

But anyway.

Now, I will talk about what I think will happen, or at least, what should happen.

So first off, knowing that Sae will only play during the knockout round confirms that they have to make it through the group stage.

You can't set that up, and then not deliver. Sae's been missing from the manga for literally four years. He has to come back and play now, AND it has to be against Bunny too. We need to see his backstory. It's been long enough.

So we know they'll make it through the group stage.

What I'm not so sure of is this.

We know they're playing against Nigeria, England, and France.

Now I can't predict how these matches will go, or at least, not the first two.

Some people think England will be the focused on team, and Nigeria will be the fodder team. Then some people think Nigeria will be the focused on team, and England will get the fodder match.

I personally think that real life Nigerian soccer notwithstanding, Kaneshiro will NOT give the spotlight to black characters.

He just won't.

And he won't bother to design a lot of them either.

Either Nigeria will get swept as fodder by the Blue Lock team to give them a false sense of security... or Kaneshiro will be LESS of a racist...

and let Nigeria sweep Blue Lock. Truthfully, I have no faith in him, but the better option would be to let Nigeria sweep.

That way Kaneshiro doesn't have to have black characters, which I know are terrifying to the eastern fandom, but he doesn't have to put down an African team just because it's a Japanese comic.

So. Long story short. One of those teams is fodder. The other will have more development, but it'll maybe be 20 chapters, tops. Whether or not the fodder team wins or loses is sort of irrelevant.

Although, I will say this. I do like that we're finally out of NEL and we can get away from that wretched 3 goals format. That was such a dogshit writing decision, holy fuck.

The way we just knew who had to score to stay in Blue Lock was agonizingly boring.

At least now, Blue Lock can actually lose. We don't know what the scores will be either.

The most fun possible thing would be Blue Lock losing one, maybe drawing another, and then finally winning one, just like 1st selection, and just barely squeaking through to knockout.

That might be cool.

Don't quote me on it, though, I don't really know or care how the scoring for knockout qualification works. I just know they win 3 points for winning, 1 for drawing, and 0 for losing.

Don't care for the math.

Anyway.

France will be the big set up match, since it has Loki and Charles.

This will be Isagi's time to embarrass Loki after what happened following the PxG game. A shame, because I really wanted to see Loki annihilate him, but it looks like he's going to win now, since they have to make it through to the KO stage.

That might be fun, though, so, I'll reserve judgment.

But they'll definitely win against France, and I feel like France has to be last.

Whether or not they struggle really hard... is up to Kaneshiro. I suspect they'll struggle quite a bit, just to give the group stage some bite.

Also to mirror 1st selection!

Makes sense to put the hardest boss in the eleventh hour, when Blue Lock is in danger of not qualifying.

Literally Nagi and Team Z poetry.

Now.

The fun stuff.

Knockout.

Knockout can be up to 4 matches, but after the mess that was NEL, with both Kaneshiro and Nomura apologizing for how bad they fumbled it, I suspect we will NOT go out to 4 whole matches.

Not with 3 matches preceding it, even if they are shorter.

(Nigeria - 9 chapters, England 15-20, France 30 - 50)

We HAVE to see Sae again, and I suspect that they'll probably play Spain first.

I'd like to see them play Spain first (and this will probably be like 50 chapters, maybe 60).

And in this match, we'll get Sae's backstory, possibly Itoshi resolution or at least escalation of their beef.

Hopefully some Shidou dry humping Sae on the field (fingers crossed).

And some great Sae linkups.

Anyway.

I suspect they'll win, because Sae's character arc needs to be explored now, and I suspect Kaneshiro doesn't want to keep the Itoshi beef going on the ENTIRE manga. To me that just sounds boring after a while, and he's been milking it since Rin was introduced.

AND they're playing on the same damn team. I just don't think their melodrama will stay melodrama if they're constantly playing together.

They need to resolve their issues this arc, and then become that Itoshi star duo that they've been hinted at becoming since the start.

To me, it would make sense for this arc to be their resolution arc, where maybe they won't be besties again, but they can work together without Rin dousing the field with his saliva every ten seconds.

So this arc, Sae will beat Bunny.

Or, well. Rin might beat him, Isagi might beat him, maybe it takes all of them...regardless. He's going to lose, and then Sae will resolve that beef and his hatred for Japanese soccer.

I know it seems really fast to defeat a villain we've just met, but...remember Kaiser.

Bitch got usurped in one arc too.

So they'll move on to the next game.

There will either be one game before Spain where they win, OR one game after that they win.

How fodder it is depends... also who it focuses on might be interesting.

I'm personally hoping it's Shidou's time to shine, but...who knows. It could be Kunigami too, since we haven't seen a single thing from him since like the beginning of NEL.

But anyway. I definitely think they will lose to Germany.

That's Kaiser and Ness' team. Kaiser and Ness basically lost in NEL. It's their turn to get revenge.

Kaneshiro even said Ness' magician thing wasn't over yet either. Hopefully this means he has more tricks up his sleeve (ha) and it'll play out really well for team Germany.

Kaneshiro can't have Japan win u20. He just can't.

There's at least one more arc coming, and I think it's the official World Cup arc.

Either he has them lose HERE, and then come back, and win the World Cup next, OR they win here, and then the series ends with them losing the World Cup.

I do NOT think that would be a great resolution to the story, and I doubt anyone else would think so either.

And they can't win both.

That would be bullshit. Blue Lock's first foray out into professional soccer, and they win everything?

Pah. What a circlejerk.

So I think they have to lose here.

AND I have some theories for how they'll lose too.

My CRACK theory, which I'd love if it came true, but know it won't, is that it'll be a truly dark rendition of Brazil vs Germany's iconic 1-7 game.

Rin will be injured in the game beforehand.

Isagi will be suspended before the game, as punishment for something he did the last game.

And then Blue Lock loses horribly without its two star players.

BUT.

I suspect the more intriguing option is... it's a neck and neck game.

But Isagi fucks it up. He deliberately makes a decision, trying to score for himself, that fucks up the entire team.

He HAS to be the reason Blue Lock loses, AND it has to be because the Blue Lock philosophy failed him. And all of them.

Because TWICE NOW, he's tempted fate, saying he will lead Japan to victory.

He CANNOT be allowed to carry that statement out. It would be such boring storytelling, just like letting Japan win u20 and the world cup.

He HAS to be the reason they lose. He lead them to defeat, and so did Ego.

That's a story with consequences, goddamnit.

Nagi getting eliminated was a real consequence for him.

Now it's time for both Ego and Isagi's consequences.

This is their joint time for a downfall.

The whole point of Blue Lock is self destruction. Letting go of yourself, in order to embrace the person you yearn to be.

This is the best possible point for Isagi to be humiliated.

He made those arrogant statements to Noa too, remember? How he's going to beat him some day?

It'll be so embarrassing, when he can't even beat Kaiser.

It'll be humiliating, to shit talk as much as Isagi does, only to be humbled.

and it's necessary.

it's necessary because Isagi as a character has never suffered any true setbacks. oh sure, he's lost a few games, lost Bachira, been embarrassed by Rin a few times.

But he's never had his faith in blue lock itself shaken.

he still truly believes the egoist way is the best way.

he has blindly trusted and followed ego all this time.

but that's bullshit.

ego's philosophy needs to be broken, because otherwise it's hypocritical.

if the egoist way is self destruction, then Blue Lock itself, and the ideology, needs to be challenged and broken down.

the final thing that needs to be broken before they can win it all...has to be the first thing we were ever introduced to.

the foundation itself needs to crumble.

that's a book opening and closing, baby.

Isagi says he's independent and plays for himself, but he's been Ego's disciple this entire time.

If he's truly independent, then he should be completely cut off from Ego.

And think of it like this.

The interlude chapter with Isagi showed us how Isagi respects Ego so much that he talks to his parents about him.

(Foreshadowing, mayhaps?)

But if they lose.

Then it puts the philosophy truly to the test.

Like will you continue to be an egoist, even after it lost you everything?

This will challenge ALL OF THEM, but mostly Isagi, who only came as far as he did, because of Blue Lock and his "ego."

Now is the perfect moment to shatter him completely, and force him to question how he wants to play from now on.

Again.

This would be a perfect setback. Also, great setup for a win at the world cup too. A comeback story needs a huge setback first.

This would be great, it could break EVERYONE's spirits. Sae, who thought they had a chance with Blue Lock and only JUST got back into feeling like soccer was exciting. Rin, who thought he didn't care about being number one, but he failed to destroy the competition.

All of these kids who thought being egoists would help them win.

Now, we test just how loyal they are.

Also, Ego needs to be fired.

He needs to be removed for a while, and then we can watch the characters struggling without their mentor.

I also suspect we're going to have a timeskip, by the way.

After u20, they'll go to their own teams, maybe dissolve.

Stop talking to each other.

Oh, and the best part, if you like a little Isagi whump...

I think the entire team is going to hate him.

Blame HIM for losing them the final goal.

He's gonna have to come back from losing not just the game but his friends too.

And he'll have to come back, and basically re-earn everyone's trust again.

Because this entire series has been people falling in love with Isagi at first sight.

It would be truly ascended writing to now reverse that, and have him becoming a true leader, after basically taking leadership by force.

And the first person he gets back on his side?

None other than Bachira :3

Heh.

But also...imagine how...in the VERY FIRST CHAPTER, he chose to pass, and lost his team the game...

imagine how great it'd be if he DIDN'T pass and TRIED to score...and still lost them the game.

That's be some delicious dark irony.

But anyway.

That's my theory.

That's my hope, anyway.

Isagi losing here would be genuinely amazing writing, even if it doesn't follow exactly what I've written here.

But we'll see if Kaneshiro has the stuff, you know?

NEL made me really doubt him.

There's some hope for it to come back, but... this arc could really break Blue Lock more than even NEL, which completely shattered it.

We'll just have to wait and see, you know?

[butterflydm]

Kinda jumping off a discussion I was having with @markantonys and @sixth-light the other day, I am really feeling excited about potentially bringing in most/all of the rest of our endgame love interests next season because I think they'll pretty much all benefit with the jump from book to screen.

(contains some book spoilers through Knife of Dreams)

I really enjoy a lot of the choices that the show has made so far, and I think they've done a lot of good set-up for the romances as well. To start with the characters who are locked in already, I really loved that Rand's three love interests all got to spend some extended time with (at least) one of his friends in season 2. Elayne being close with Egwene and Nynaeve is book canon, of course, but I like that the show essentially did that with Aviendha & Min too -- Perrin and Aviendha were so funny together, Mat and Min were also funny but had some great depth and angst. We got to see all three of them shine as individual characters before we got into any romance elements.

Especially with Min, I really loved the choice for them to take Min's self-reported past struggles with her ability and make it a current thing for her. It gives Min an active emotional storyline that is about herself and not centered around Rand, which is a big plus for me.

For next season, it's fairly well confirmed that we're getting Faile, and I think the show is set up to do really well with her:

a. the fact that we're not getting Perrin's internal narration will do so much to combat the 'constantly possessive and jealous' vibe that she often has in the books, because she frequently does not act on it but is just feeling something and if Perrin didn't basically have telepathy, no one would know.

b. Perrin's previous marriage provides a good reason for his relationship with Faile to be much more of a slow burn than it was in the books, and also provide background on why he'll be over-protective of her without falling into Jordan's "Women Are Precious Frail Flowers" trap (which Jordan did realize was a flaw in his writing -- we see him trying to interrogate it over the course of the series. But sometimes he would fall into the trap anyway).

c. And Faile and Perrin's relationship being more of a slow-burn would also make Berelain be a less ridiculous character (if they choose to still have her & her pursuit of Perrin). I'm also fond of the (from reddit!) speculation that maybe Berelain will be Graendal in disguise, which would have the potential of working really well to bring Graendal in sooner and give Perrin a proper Forsaken nemesis.

We are likely to get Gawyn, and if he's our main PoV for split in the White Tower, rather than it being Min (who is going to be in the Tanchico storyline with Mat, if that leak from a couple of weeks ago is true), then the audience will be more inclined towards being sympathetic towards him. We're also not likely to have the huge slow-down in pacing that happened in the second half of the book series, so it won't feel like Gawyn is just marching in place for forever. He's definitely one of the characters who suffers the most from how slowly the plot moves in The Slog.

Less likely but still very possible (especially if the leak about Mat is true) is that we may meet Tuon next season, and the show has done so much to make Mat & Tuon more plausible as a romance, even before we get into anything like character development.

Partly in the difference in Mat's background, in his relationship with his parents, and also in the way his dynamics with characters like Liandrin and Ishamael were played out.

Plus the set-up for what the show is doing with damane & sul'dam is promising in terms of Tuon because the show has established that the sul'dam are very weak channelers (as opposed to being learners), which means that Tuon actively beginning to channel wouldn't be plot-breaking in terms of her capabilities and would just affect her on a narrative level, which makes that feel like a much more likely path for them to choose to go with her and which opens up some avenues for some genuine character growth from her, which would be an exciting change from the books.

And, on a more subjective note, I feel like Jordan really fell down on the writing of Mat and Tuon, especially in CoT & KoD, so basically anyone else taking them over is probably going to be an improvement for me.

The show also really established a strong personality for Mat off the bat, which is something that Jordan was pretty inconsistent about. 'Mat' doesn't really gel as an individual character until the third book when he gets a PoV; and then he changes in several ways between the end of Winter's Heart and the start of Crossroads of Twilight (which is only a week later); I think that 'Crossroads' Mat could have been plausible (if depressing) as a character if Jordan had actually worked up to him over the course of CoT & KoD rather than him abruptly becoming this New Slavery-Neutral "both sides are valid" Mat in-between books (in WH he has an actual ethical & visceral objection to slavery, while in CoT & KoD, he only seems to object to the idea of being personally enslaved and views it neutrally if other people are enslaved). But I've talked about all that before, lol, so I will just say that it feels like the show already knows who they want Mat to be and has taken a pretty bold stand on the subject (re: being a Hero of the Horn), so I don't think we'll see them dumping his brains and empathy overboard between seasons.

So, yeah, I know s3 is still filming, but I am already anticipating it so much!

[tieronecrush]

hot & heavy

chapter nine: jesus christ 2005 god bless america

neighbor!joel x f!reader

series masterlist

series rating: E (18+ MDNI)

series summary:

over the course of three summers, joel miller becomes woven into your life. the first summer is spent falling for him; nannying his daughter and sneaking around with him in a burning love affair. you know how you feel about joel, he isn’t so sure about how it all is gonna work. the second summer is brief. a month spent at home after graduation and before you move to boston for your dream job. one look at you, one time hearing your voice, and joel is hooked again. he pines over you for that month, but you think — how is long distance of over a thousand miles going to work for a single dad? the third summer, you return home burnt out and pride bruised from your post-grad life. you need time to feel at home again, like your complete self, so you’ve come back home with no return ticket booked. it’s only a matter of time before joel seeks you out, slowly spending more time with you. without an inevitable end to the summer looming over you both, what chances are you willing to take?

word count: 9.5k

warnings: NO OUTBREAK (don’t need to worry about the mushies), no use of y/n, inexperienced reader, age gap (joel is 30/31, reader is 22), canon-divergent (sarah is 7 y/o), nanny au, pet names (sweetheart, darling, sweet girl, mariposa, etc.), polite southern manners, feeling familial and self-pressure, undefined relationship, small use of spanish cause joel is latino, pining joel, fingering, hand-job, dirty talkkk king joel miller, soft soft soft joel, sprinkle of possessive joel, Big Feelings, crying, mentions of depression diagnosis and symptoms, struggling with self, discussion of co-parenting, signing away parental rights, effects of that situation on children, major guilt form both of 'em, this chapter has some heavier angst than before!

a/n: they're baaaaaaack <333 my babies! it's 2005 and summer #3 is officially underway and i can't wait to share it with you all. thank you so very much to the bestie/cousin/sister wife/sweet, sweet gf @northernbluess for beta-reading this chapter, and for shouting about these two with me. enjoy y'all x

You can count on your two hands the number of times you’ve been able to talk to Joel over the last year. Sarah’s schedule going into third grade was much busier, his work picking up even more business and expanding. Your job was demanding — long hours, coming in early and staying late, rejection after rejection of ideas you excitedly pitched. By a few months in, you took the hint: you were there to get coffees, do the grunt work, fill in the gaps even if it wasn’t in your job description. It wasn’t that you had a problem with doing all of those things; anyone in the industry, basically anyone with a corporate job has told you that you have to do your time, climb the rungs of the ladder to get to where you want to be. But it’s hard to justify a job that has taken you away from the one place that feels like home, the people who make you feel loved.

It came in waves at first, that feeling of heavy limbs, slogging thoughts, the perpetual cinch of your chest as if you were going to cry, with no reason to. In summer, it was easy to blame it on homesickness, adjusting to a new city, or getting used to living with your new roommates. The leaves changing brought new symptoms: staying in over the weekends, curled up in bed with the TV playing cable reruns for 48 hours straight, the lull of sleep overcoming you at odd hours. But this was merely because the cold was creeping in, and the daylight hours were waning.

Joel called one winter evening; well, the Caller ID read his name, but upon answering the phone, you were quick to realize it was someone else.

“Hello?”

“Posey, you answered! Hi!”

“Hey, Sare-Bear. What’s going on?” You find the means to prop yourself up on your pillows, turning down the volume of the TV and curling your knees toward your chest.

“Not too much, I asked Daddy if I could call you and he said yes, so I did! I was sad you couldn’t be home for Christmas last month. Santa brought me lots of presents! Oh, and Daddy took me to Disney World with Uncle Tommy after Christmas before school started again!”

Sarah’s chipper voice is scraping nails against your heart, tightening your lungs until all you can manage is shallow breaths. You hold it together long enough to hear about all her presents and the Miller family trip before you hear Joel in the background, coaxing the phone from his daughter.

“Daddy says he wants to talk to you so I have to give the phone to him. Bye, Posey, miss you!”

“Miss you too, sweet pea,” you choke out, sinking further into your bed with eyes filling with tears. You should be overjoyed to be hearing from Sarah; instead, it fills you with a reminder that you have no idea when you’ll see her again, no clue how to try to make yourself love this place.

“Hey, Mari.”

The sound of his voice was syrupy, the drawl in his tone basking you in the Texas sun that you missed so. He was like the warmth of a bonfire, the summer breeze messing with your hair while you rode in his truck with the windows down. Hearing him was like sinking into his mattress for the night, a solid, weighted arm slung around you safely.

“Hi, Joel.”

“Gotta say thank you again for the watch you sent me for my birthday. I know, you’re going to say that I’ve already said it about ten times but I need to do it again 'cause I just like havin’ a reminder of you every day.”

“You’re welcome,”  your voice wavers slightly, and you make a quick attempt to recover with a deep breath.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

No, not now, you can’t break now, you have to make it through the phone call.

Your tongue sits heavy in your mouth, your ears growing hot and tears pricking your eyes in pain as you hold it all in. One sniffle comes over you before you can catch it, concern lacing the other end of the call.

“Hey, darlin’—Hold on.”

Muffled thumps of footsteps heading upstairs crackle through the phone, the creak and click of a door closing popping in your ear pressed to the speaker.

“Sorry, I had to come up to my room. Now, what’s wrong, darlin’?” Joel’s gentle, airy tone breaks the final splinter of the dam, emotion overflowing.

“I shouldn’t let it all get to me, but, work has been awful, like all I've done this week is get coffee and take minutes for meetings, which don’t even get used because they have someone that gets to actually participate taking the minutes. And—and I can’t seem to find my place. My roommates are way closer with each other cause they’ve been working together before and at the office, it’s so cliquey and everybody keeps calling my accent cute—“

Attempting to make you smile, Joel interjects, “It is cute, sweetheart.”

“Well, you can say that ‘cause you’ve got one too. They just call me ‘Texas’ or ‘Y’all’ cause I said it once in front of the group. These people are all from around here, from generations of East Coast families and they know all about life here and constantly try to one-up each other and I can’t do it, Joel. I can’t—It’s too hard. It hurts so much.”

You’ve fully got tears streaming down your face, your voice thick with phlegm, and sniffling from your runny nose. 

“Oh, my sweet girl…” There’s a strain in his voice too, covered with a stuttered clearing sound. “Mariposa, my Mariposa, you can do It. I know it’s hard, I know. And mean people don’t make the adjustment any easier, but remember you’re the bigger person. Kill ‘em with kindness, baby.”

“It breaks my heart to hear you’re hurtin’, Mari. But you can do it. You’re smart, beautiful, funny, tough…Are you—are you talkin’ to anybody, sweetheart? A professional?”

“No…” you confess meekly, embarrassed by your lack of effort.

“It’s okay, baby, that’s okay. Maybe we can find you someone, alright? Might help to get out of the house, go see them, talk to them. We’ll find you someone, Mari. Promise.”

“Joel, I don’t want you to worry about me. You don’t have to help me find—“

“I want to. I worry about you constantly, mi amor. It’s hard not to when half of my heart’s across the country.” Silence falls over the line, picking up your hand to wipe at your tears. 

“Thank you, Joel.”

“I love you, Mariposa. Always going to.”

That was the last major phone call you had with him. He did help you find someone, a therapist, to talk to. But through them, you had come to the decision that this life wasn’t for you; corporate bullshit was leaving you burned out and defeated, and it was cooking up an unstable environment that let your sadness and disappointment fester into depressive episodes.

After that discovery, the choice was made and you phoned your parents to tell them you were planning on coming home at the end of your first-year contract if they would have you. They agreed, of course, to welcome you back home for as long as you need.  

You couldn’t bring yourself to call Joel. Hearing his disappointment in your quitting would ruin you. And, you couldn’t blame him if he got a bit angry either. You ran off and chose this life, and when it turned out to be shit, you were running home with your tail between your legs at the first opportunity. He expected so much from you and was so proud of you for choosing your dreams.

You couldn’t bear to tell him about your failure. So you didn’t.

Arrangements were made in the next few months: a replacement roommate found, a letter of resignation submitted, a one-way plane ticket purchased.

Joel wipes at his forehead, standing in the middle of the job site he was working by himself. It was rare for him to really get his hands dirty these days; Miller Construction has grown tenfold since it started, a wider team built and Joel taking the helm as more of a manager and owner. He had a hand in every project, being the one to design and plan everything, leaving the execution to be led by Tommy and his employees.

This was a particular job, though, and one he wanted to make sure was perfect.

Your dad had approached him in early Spring, walking over while Joel mowed the lawn. He explained what he was looking to get done — the basement converted into a studio apartment, with a new bathroom and kitchenette.

Joel agreed to help with the task, and out of curiosity he asked why they were making the change. Usually, it was in-laws, but maybe it was to increase the sale value. Maybe they were planning a move?

He heard it and zoned out immediately.

You? You were moving home?

He wracked his brain for any mention of these plans from you over the last few months, but he came up short when he realized it had been a couple of months since the last phone call. Life had gotten so busy, evenings spent with lawyers and Sarah home every weekend, trying to adjust her to the new arrangement as best as he could. There was his own news he had to tell you, but couldn’t ever find the right time to reach out when he knew how stressed out you were. He remembered missing a call from you, but he completely forgot to return it. Were you going to tell him then?

The phone call he made to you that night went to voicemail, and he left one in hopes you would return a call or message.

“Hey, Mariposa… Hope you’re doing well, amor. Your dad, uh, he came over today and asked me for help on the house. They wanna make the apartment a basement and—shit you definitely already know all of this… Are you—are you coming home?”

He couldn’t stand how he sounded, on the verge of begging and filled with nerves, so the voicemail ended after he asked. You didn’t return the call.

Standing back looking at his handiwork, he takes a deep breath. He’s poured over the decisions for every detail, your parents entrusting him with the project completely. He matched the floors to the rest of your house, but the walls are a soft green, one accented with wallpaper he painstakingly installed that is patterned with lavender, marigolds, and hydrangeas — small butterflies hidden in the flowers.

At one side of the studio space, Joel installed the bookshelf he made by hand in his garage, the built-in coming up halfway on the wall, molding covering the surface, and stained a rich, medium tone that complemented the paint choice. He imagined your rows and rows of beat-up paperbacks filling the spaces, knickknacks strewn along the top.

Your furniture was moved down from your bedroom, arranged by your mom to fit nicely within the space. It feels like you’re already living in this space, the touches of you from your things and the new items he tried to get perfectly ‘you’. A faint smile tugs at his lips, excitement trickling into his bloodstream and tingling all over.

You’re coming home.

The first day you were back, you didn’t leave your new room.

It was out of exhaustion, but mostly out of relishing in the new space, nearly brought to tears by the thoughtfulness of your parents. When they were showing you the new studio suite of yours, you couldn’t stop smiling, turning to your mom and asking, “How did you choose the paint color? And where’d you get the bookshelf?”

Your mom laughed, shrugging as she answered, “Believe it or not, Dad and I were so busy these last few months that we told Joel just to go wild! Well, not wild, but he made all the choices — only ran the cost by us.”

“Wait, Joel did this?”

“Oh yeah, did the whole thing for free labor, too. Stand up guy. Said he just wanted to help out a neighbor — and he did the whole thing himself too, none of his guys helped him. He did a great job, huh kiddo?” Your Dad gives you a grin, extending his arms as if showcasing the room you three were already in and poking around in.

“Yeah, he did do a great job. Guess I need to thank him…” You swallow hard and toy with your bedspread as you sit at the edge of your bed, one leg bent onto the mattress, “Thank you both for this and—and for letting me come home.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it, kiddo. We love having you here, always. You stay however long you need, princess.” At that, it was simply closed, your parents never pushing for more detail than you were willing to offer at the time; both gave you a kiss on your head and a tender hug before they made their way back upstairs, leaving you to begin unpacking.

A fresh set of eyes rolls over the space, the context that each choice was Joel’s, made for you, lighting up small details. The color of the wood he used for the shelves, the wallpaper covered in your favorite flowers and butterflies; what catches your attention is a frame set on the surface of the built-ins. You pick it up, free hand jumping to your chest as you study the content.

A drawing, signed in the bottom right corner by a “Sarah M.” It’s of a garden, lush greenery with an opening in the middle. Joel stands at one side, with dark hair and a scribbled beard, Sarah in the middle with her bouncy curls. On the other side of Sarah is a depiction of you in your sundress from the day at the butterfly garden last summer. The closest thing to a photo of the three of you.

Placing the frame back where you had found it, you hold back your tears, rubbing circles in your thumping chest as you look around the room for five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

At the third out of four things you can touch, your eyes fall to your bed, pink plaid poking out from between your pillows drawing you nearer. You pull out the shape from your bedding, coming face to face with the long-eared, stuffed bunny that you passed down to Sarah last year. Flopsy.

You curl the animal into your chest, squeezing it as you climb onto your bed and lie down. Bringing it up to your face, you inhale the smell of the Miller house, the smell of your previous summers. It calms your rapid pulse, each deep breath lulling you to sleep.

Somehow, despite being each other’s next-door neighbors, you’ve managed to avoid Joel and he’s avoided you for the last few days. It wasn’t like you weren’t thinking about him — no, you were constantly thinking about him. Driving past his house, walking past his driveway, every time you wake up in your room and are faced with all of what he did for you. 

But finally seeing him, talking to him, you were going to be faced with the reality of telling him that you couldn’t make it, even with all of his support. The thought of watching his face fall when you have to admit you moved across the country for what amounted to nothing, broke his heart for dreams that ended up being the opposite of what you wanted.

Joel avoided you, simply to give you some time to adjust and also, to skirt around the fact that he wasn’t there for you when you must have needed him the most. Plus, he had his own news to share with you, and he kept it in to keep you from worrying. He knew if he had told you then, when you were away, you would be on the next flight home to help him. He couldn’t make you do that, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to say no to you coming either. And now, he’ll have to admit all of this to you — to tell you that he kept this from you and watched your face fall into hurt.

This sunny Saturday morning, you’ve taken to walking door to door with all of the parents in the neighborhood, offering yourself to babysit or nanny to fill the summer while you figure out what you want to do with your life. Most were surprised to see you back home, but eager to take down your number, promising to reach out if they needed help. 

On your way back home, you’re on Joel’s side of the cul-de-sac, biting your lip as you get a view of his back in a white tee, shoulders straining as he stretches over the hood of his truck. He squeegees the front windshield, the truck covered in soap suds from him washing it.

As if feeling eyes on him, he turns over his shoulder to see you walking up. Completely turning around, he leans back against the hood, waving to you with a held-back smile. Joel eyes you in your cut-off shorts, licking his lips and humming to himself when he sees his navy t-shirt on you, the one he gave you last summer. 

“Now, Miller, I haven’t seen you wash that dirty ass truck once the past two summers. And now you’re out here in your little shorts and white tee as soon as I get back? Suspicious.”

On his driveway now, you stand a few feet apart, a bright teasing smile on your face. Joel can’t help but feel the familiar itch in his fingers, gripping the squeegee tighter. His butterfly is back in his stomach, stirring to life as its wings start fluttering at the sight of you, rising to his chest at the sound of your voice.

“Bit suspicious that this is the first time you just so happen to stop by to say hello, is it not, Mariposa?” he asks with a raise of his eyebrows, smirk tugging up one side of his lips and exposing his dimple.

“Wha—Oh, shut up. I was stopping by to offer to help you, for your information.”

“Oh yeah? Alright then, grab a sponge, sweetheart,” he nods to the bucket on the asphalt, tossing the squeegee into the grass. You pick up a sponge out of the bucket, ringing it out a bit before going over and starting to wash the other side of his car. Joel disappears around the side of the house, coming back with the hose running water to rinse the car off.

“Think you missed a spot, Joel,” you giggle, moving the sponge in circles.

“Y’know what? I think I missed a really big spot. Kind of on the other side by you.” He’s got a devilish smirk painting his face, mischief glinting his eyes in the sunlight. He stalks around the car, moving his thumb toward the end of the hose.

“Joel, don’t you dare…”

“What, darlin’? You look a little hot. Think you need to cool down.”

“Joel! Don’t, you shithead!”

In a last-ditch effort, you toss your sponge at his chest before trying to run away. It’s fruitless, shrieking as you feel the cold water spray at your legs. You turn around to face Joel chasing you with the hose, his thumb at the end to make the water pressure higher and shoot farther. It’s as if it’s raining, the water dripping from above; you cup your hands over your head, closing your eyes as you attempt to avoid the spray.

“Okay, okay! I've cooled down, please!”

All you hear is a laugh in response, the sound multiplying the goosebumps that the cold water has caused. With your eyes squeezed shut, you're blind as you run around the car, hitting directly into something solid, sturdy, but much softer than metal. A small ‘oof’ exhales out, one arm wrapping around you to steady you.

Opening your eyes, you see Joel with a wide, childish grin and a deepened dimple on his right cheek. The crinkles next to his eyes are showing and you can see the wet spot in his white shirt from the sponge hitting him.

“May I propose a treaty?”

“If it keeps you from spraying me with the hose, sure.”

He laughs again, sliding his hand across your back.

“You come over tonight and I won’t spray you again.”

“Hmm,” you hum as you consider it, eyes widening as Joel moves to get the hose on you again, “Okay, deal! Hose down, Miller!”

Happily, Joel throws the hose into the grass, tightening his arm in a half-hug. His lips as your ear, he speaks sweetly and kisses your cheek. “Good to have you home, Mari.”

You help him clean up the rest after he finishes rinsing the truck and shuts off the hose, lingering with him on the driveway.

He nods inside with a smile, “Someone else’s been waitin’ to see you if you wanna come in for a bit.”

“That would make my day. I’d love to see that someone,” you say through a smile, cheeks hurting from laughing and grinning for the past ten minutes.

Joel leads you inside, spotting Sarah on the couch. He walks ahead of you into the living space, heart swelling at the shocked reaction Sarah has to you standing in their house.

You are feeling the same — the ache in your bones from the last few months quells once you step foot in their house, limbs lightening when Sarah jumps off the couch and runs over, or well, runs into you.

“Posey! I can’t believe you’re back!” Sarah exclaims, giggling excitedly when you scoop her up into a hug and hold her flush against you. A kiss is pressed to the top of her head, a familiar scent in her hair from the product you use. You exchanged equally ecstatic greetings before she pulled you into the kitchen with Joel, sitting at the table to chat. Sarah sits across your lap, kicking her feet as she asks a million questions about why, how, what, and more.

You answer all of them, Joel interjecting for some as you explain to her that you’ll be here for the whole summer, at least, and that you’ll still be right next door.

Rubbing her back, you look down at Sarah with a gentle smile, “I have been meaning to come to ask you, sweet pea, but I found a mutual friend of ours on my bed when I came home. How did Flopsy end up back at my house? Did he get lost while your dad was working on my new room?”

“No, he isn’t lost! I know he’s there cause I put him there. I thought you might’ve missed him, and that he might make you happy and cheer you up because Daddy said you were missing home.”

Joel was unaware of the animal his daughter left behind, swallowing hard as she mentioned how he explained you were feeling homesick back then when you two had talked. His eyes are glued to you as he watches the emotions in your eyes, sadness flashing in them before you recover, visibly sitting up and the corners of your mouth tugging up into a gentle smile.

“He made me feel much better, sweet pea, so thank you. I can bring him back next time, okay?”

Sarah shakes her head firmly, making strong eye contact with you as she says, “No, you should keep him 'cause maybe you might need him while you get used to being home. He helped me get used to staying with Daddy all the time now, so I thought he could help you be at home again, too.”

You glance at Joel, who’s looking away from you now and toying with the edge of a placemat that’s laid out on the surface. Sarah turns her head, looking between the two of you before Joel clears his throat.

“Hey Bug, we gotta head out to get you over to Emily’s house for your sleepover tonight. Can you go get your bag from upstairs? And say goodbye to Posey.”

A quick hug and she is zipping off, leaving the two adults sitting at the table in a moment of silence. It’s Joel who breaks it again, looking at you with something unreadable on his face.

“You’re coming over tonight, yeah? I—I, um, I think we have some catching up to do.”

“Yeah, I think so too. I’ll see you tonight.” You stand up and he follows you to the door, taking your hand in his to pull you back as your hand reaches for the doorknob.

“It is really good to have you home, Mariposa. Feels like—I don’t know, life feels like summer again. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Joel. I’ll see you tonight,” you lean in, stretching up to kiss his cheek before slipping out of the door and into your backyard. 

At sunset, you slip out of the sliding glass door, walking across the pool area and into Joel’s backyard. Climbing up his deck stairs, you reach his back door and knock, biting back a smile when you can see him approaching with a puzzled expression. He opens the door, looking at you through the screen with a brown raised.

“Back door? This a new thing now?”

“S’closer to my new room.” You shrug and knock your knuckles on the metal frame of the screen door. Joel nods for you to step back, opening the door and holding it for you to come inside, shutting it and the windowed, wooden door behind it. Turning around to you, he steps forward, snaking his arms around your hips. A soft smile peels apart his lips with a relaxed sigh, leaning some of his weight into you.

“Hi, Mari.”

“Hey, J.”

“You smell good,” he says, muffled into your hair, lips pressing a kiss to the side of your head, “And I like that nickname.”

A quiet giggle breathes out from your mouth, hands coasting up and down his biceps. He moves to tuck your head under his chin, swaying back and forth in the middle of his kitchen.

“Thought we had stuff to talk about?” You question, biting your bottom lip and making no move to unfurl yourself from his arms. This is what you had been missing so much, feeling his radiating warmth and care. His tenderness, his love.

“We do. But I get to just hold you first, darlin’. Been waiting too long to do this again.” Squeezing you closer, he tucks his chin in to lay his lips against the top of your head, fingertips ghosting up your spine. It’s at least two minutes before he moves, untangling himself from you with one last kiss on your forehead.

“Alright, mi Mariposa, how about we sit on the couch? You can go first, sweetheart,” his voice crackles in your ears, feeling the reverb in your chest from his low drawl. Hands at your sides guide you into the living room, letting go to allow you to sit down, Joel taking a seat next to you and facing you. “You wanna go first, Mari? S’alright if you don’t…”

“No, I do. I think I should at least…” You sigh and focus your stare on a stitched seam of the back of the couch, tracing it with your fingers as you begin to recount what brought you home, “I don’t know if you remember that one phone call we had in the winter, but it was after that, you helped me find someone to talk to?”

“I remember.”

“Well, I started seeing them weekly, sometimes twice a week, and it helped to be able to talk about everything, but there wasn’t too much I could do to help the situation I was in. My, um, my therapist diagnosed me with depression.”

Your voice was thick, phlegm building up as your emotions started to get the best of you, stare still unfocused from Joel. His hand lays over yours, pulling you away from the movement and to his face. There’s no judgment in his eyes, only concern and piety. Without any words, he slides closer to you, pulling your legs across his lap and slipping an arm around your back.

“And in our sessions, I wasn’t really getting much better with the tools she was giving to me, so we made a plan. It started with her asking me where I felt the most myself, the most comfortable, where I could work on everything without the added…stress of work and feeling isolated. And then it was a bit of a no-brainer to make arrangements to come home. And—and I meant to call you, I really tried, Joel. But I couldn’t bear to have to tell you that I—I failed and that I broke your heart for nothing. You believed in me so much, and I couldn’t do it. I left everything behind, left you behind and nothing came out of it. And I couldn’t bring myself to call cause I couldn’t hear your reaction. I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back. If you would be mad or disappointed…”

You exhale with a long breath, tears flowing freely down your cheeks while Joel’s fingers work to wipe them away as quickly as they fall.

“Sweet girl…My Mariposa, I am so sorry you went through that. I’m so glad that you weren’t alone, that you had support, but I hate that I wasn’t there when you needed me,” he swallows and holds you against his chest, “I love you, sweet girl, always going to. I knew you had to go because I knew you might’ve regretted it if you didn’t try, but, darlin’, mi amor, I could give two shits if you live some big corporate life if it doesn’t make you happy. That is all I want for you, Mari, and if that wasn’t what you had up there, then I want you to find it wherever you are.”

You sniffle and wrap your arms around his neck, both of you embracing each other tightly — so tightly you nearly can’t breathe, but it feels comforting, like a weighted blanket over your body and soul.

“Selfishly, I’m glad you came home. Missed you, my sweet girl, and ‘m always gonna be here for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, I should have been better, but there was just so much happening…” he admits, guilt and shame oozing out of his words and tone.

You pull back, brow furrowed as you hold the side of his jaw.

“Did something happen?”

“Um, yeah. Something did happen, in the spring…” he runs a hand over his face, sighing before he drops his forehead against yours, staying silent for a moment before sitting up again and gripping onto the fabric of your shirt.

“I have full custody of Sarah now.”

He watches as confusion falls over your face, melding into concern as he sees your thought process happening. He knows you’re thinking about Sarah, all of the little things she said earlier this afternoon must be clicking finally. The rhythm of his heart is racing, waiting for your questions.

“What? What happened? How? Are you okay, is Sarah okay?”

“It’s alright, Mari, I’m okay. Sarah’s adjusting. It was just sudden, and I had to scramble to get everything in order while also figuring out how to tell her. I really haven’t told her the truth, I c—I can’t do that to her…” His voice drops to a whisper as he trails off, eyes welling with tears of his own.

“Oh, J, babe, what happened? If you want to tell me, I’m here for you.”

He clears his throat, twisting the handful of fabric he’s got, “Tiff approached me after her last drop off when Sarah was inside the house, and she told me that…She basically said she met someone new, he was movin’ out of state for his job, and she wouldn’t be able to afford her child support anymore. I asked her what she was gettin’ at and she said, she said she wanted to sign her rights away. That she couldn’t do it all anymore.”

“I mean, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sarah that—that her mom didn’t want to take care of her anymore. So I only told her that she would be gone for a while and that she would be staying at home for all her weekends for now. I don’t know what to do, baby. And it was all so chaotic, and I couldn’t call you 'cause I didn’t want to add to your stress with work and life up there.”

In response, you hold yourself around him silently, arms at his neck, straddling his lap and wrapping your legs around his waist like a koala in a tree. Joel relaxes into you, damp droplets soaking into your shirt and skin as he lays his head on your shoulder. All of his stress, his anxieties come out. He knows he should also be comforting you, for everything you’ve told him, but it’s like a door has opened and everything is piling out of him. He’s held it together for months now, his only person to talk to being Tommy, but he doesn’t want to burden his younger brother with all of his problems all the time.

Not that he wants to do that to you, either, especially with what you’ve been through, but at this moment, all he can think about is your touch, your warmth, your care.

“You could never be anything but an addition to my life, Joel. Even if it’s a problem, I want to help you solve it or be there for you while you work through it. ‘M here now, we both are, so we can get through our things together.”

At his next sniffle, he pulls away, staying wrapped up in you but sitting so he can see your face.

“Guess these last few months have been messes for both of us, huh?” You break the seriousness of the moment with your chuckle, sending Joel into a fit of laughter as he nods.

“Guess so. Might’ve been better if either of us called. Don’t think we’d be here right now crying.”

“That’s life though, isn’t it? At least ours. Miscommunication continually brings us back together. I think maybe we should quit that habit though.”

“I agree…” he smiles sweetly, eyes pouring adoration into yours, “All this talk about us, I guess my other question would be, what are we? I mean, you don’t have an end to the summer, right? So maybe we could—“

“Let’s give us a proper shot. No expiration date. We can just be together and see what comes of it, yeah?”

“Yeah, Mariposa, yeah. I would love that,” Joel leans in, catching your lips in a slow, syrupy kiss. It’s languid, stealing your breath and giving you his, melting your tongues together and sighing at the taste of you. He pulls back, ghosting his lips over yours with an infectious smile.

“So, is that it? Are you officially mine, Mariposa? Mi Mariposa es solo mi Mariposa (My butterfly is only my butterfly)?”

“Yours. And you’re mine, so don’t forget it,” you chuckle and he kisses you sweetly again, shaking his head as his nose fits against yours.

“Never going to forget that, are you kidding me? Hearing that automatically entered my top five best life moments.”

“God, you’re such an idiot…”

“Yeah, I am, baby. An idiot in love. A fool for you,” he laughs and tightens his grip around you, arms settling under your thighs as he stands from the couch, carrying you toward the stairs, “Also an idiot who’s getting to go to bed with the girl of his dreams. So, really, who’s an idiot now? Think I made some damn good decisions.”

“Can I take back my answer to your question?” You tease, shrieking when he drops you onto his bed, a smirk on his face as he shakes his head.

“No takebacks. Stuck with me now, Mariposa,” he climbs over you and kisses you again, deeper than before but as innocent as the giggly kisses you shared earlier.

“Good thing you’re a good kisser.”

“Yeah? Bet you know what else I’m good at, don’t you, sweetheart?” He sits back on his haunches, eyes dragging over you laying back on his bed, tongue poking out to lick his lips.

“Can I have you, darlin’? Pretty please?”

A hard swallow comes from your throat, crossing your arms over your stomach as you look up from the mattress to Joel.

“I want you to, but I’ve…I haven’t done anything since—“

“I understand, sweet girl. You wanna ease back into it with me, hermosa? We’ll go slow,” he watches you nod, pushing up the hem of your t-shirt to under your breasts, “No bra? Sigues siendo mi diablita, no? (You’re still my little devil, aren’t you?)”

As you sit up, he tugs the materials over your head, folding over to attach his lips to one of your already pebbled nipples. A whimper slips from your mouth, tangling fingers into his hair and arching into his mouth. He pays the same attention to the other side, soft moans filling the room.

Joel separates from you with a pop of his lips, grinning as he reaches for the back collar of his t-shirt and pulls it over his head. You happily sigh as you run your hands across his strong chest and shoulders, tickling your fingertips down his stomach as he watches you slip his shorts’ waistband down a few inches.

“Mm, I have an idea, sweetheart…You wanna try something we haven’t done before?” Joel kisses your lips before peppering kisses along your jaw.

“What d’you have in mind?”

“Take the rest of your clothes off, darlin’. ‘M gonna sit up at my headboard and you come sit on my lap, m’kay?”

You follow his instructions, licking your lips as you watch him stand and strip in front of you, his hard cock slapping against his stomach, leaking already out of need. He sits on his bed, head leaned against the headboard with pillows supporting his back. With your shorts and panties thrown into a heap with his clothes, you walk over the mattress on your knees, lifting one to the other side of his thighs.

“So beautiful, Mariposa. The most beautiful,” he sighs as he licks into your mouth, grabbing handfuls of your ass, “How did I get so damn lucky?”

“Could say the same thing about you, J. Pretty boy.” 

He chuckles against your lips, shaking his head. “Not as pretty as you, mi amor. Estás preciosa. Mucho más preciosa que cualquier flor o puesta de sol o estrella. La cosa más hermosa que he visto.”

“What does that all mean?”

“You are gorgeous. Much more gorgeous than any flower or sunset or star. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” Joel speaks softly, tenderness in his eyes as he brushes your hair away from your face. 

Heat spans across the back of your neck and up to the tips of your ears, heart pounding from the look he is giving you. It feels like it’s breaking down any facade you had left, completely exposed to him with the bashful smile on your face.

“I love you, Mariposa,” he punctuates with a stealing kiss, one hand roaming around to your front to slip between your legs. Two fingers collect your arousal on their tips, dragging some to your clit as you sigh into Joel’s mouth. 

“Now, ‘m gonna touch you, baby, and if you want, you touch me at the same time, yeah?” He pulls away from your lips, nudging his nose into your cheek.

“I want to, I really want to.”

His fingers move to your entrance, gathering more along his whole fingers before pulling from between your legs and wrapping his own hand around his cock. He gives himself a few long strokes, looking into your eyes.

“Think you can spare some for me, sweet girl? Got you fucking drenched from barely even touchin’ you,” he sighs contently, leaning his head back more, “Spit on it for me, baby, and use your own hand, m’kay?”

You nod, eager to follow instructions. Folding forward, you drop saliva onto his waiting cock, watching as it slips down the side and mixes with your slick. He takes his hand away and your own wraps around his base, starting slow and teasing strokes.

“Fuck,” he exhales, dragging it out as long as his sigh is, “Missed you so much, sweet girl. You’re my sweet girl now, aren’t you? Only mine.”

His fingers find your core again, slow circles matching the energy of your strokes. A whine slips out, brows scrunching as you attempt to move your hips to get more friction.

“Please, Joel, please. Want more…”

“You want more, mi Mariposa? You want me to fuck you with my fingers, hm?” At your rapid nod, he chuckles darkly, nipping at your neck.

“Gotta give me more to get more, sweetheart. ‘M aching for you, just giving you the same treatment.”

“Mean,” you breathe out, gasping as his thick fingers tease your entrance.

“You ain’t seen mean yet, cariño,” he kisses you again as he slips one finger inside of you, the pace of your hand moving faster when you get more of what you wanted. He groans, the sound muffled into your tongue as it flicks against his, the heel of his hand rubbing against your clit. You start to bounce your hips in rhythm with your hand, imagining his cock inside of you again.

With a lewd noise, he pulls away, shallow breaths fanning across your collarbone.

“Mm, that’s right, baby. Fuck yourself on my fingers while you stroke my cock.”

His voice makes you flood his finger even more, easily slipping another into you for a few strokes before adding a third.

“Feel full, sweet girl? Feel anything like my cock?” He whispers to you as you continue to ride his hand, moving your hips and hand faster.

“So full, J. Not as good as your cock, nothing ever is, but fuck—oh fuck! Feels so good.” Your eyes close tightly as the frays of tightly coiled rope start to break inside of you. Joel takes over as your body stills with stimulation, fucking his fingers into you quickly with wet noises while his own hips move under your grip to fuck your hand.

“Come for me, my sweet girl. Let me feel what I’ve missed about this pussy. Still mine, isn’t it?”

“Yesyesyes, Joel! Oh my god, fuck I’m coming!” You open your eyes as the last fibers of the rope snap, pleasure radiating over every nerve while he continues to move under you and inside of you. The aftershocks of your orgasm fade as he whimpers in front of you, shots of warm cum coating your hand and his stomach.

“Oh fuck, Mari…” Joel picks his head up and looks at you with a breathless laugh and smile, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips as he pulls his fingers out of you.

“I love you, my girl. Mi Mariposa. Let’s get you cleaned up and get to sleep, yeah?” 

Slumber reaches the edge of your vision, drooping your eyelids as Joel guides you to his en-suite, washing your hands for you before washing his, and wiping a warm cloth between your legs. He peppers kisses to your head, shoulders, and neck as he does it all, whispering sweet nothings as he pulls you back into his bed.

“Night, Mari.”

“Night, J…Mm, before I forget, we’re getting you new sheets tomorrow. No more navy, you’ve got a girl in your life now.”

He laughs, kissing the top of your head and holding you closer to his side as he exhales, “Sure thing, my sweet girl. Can’t have all the other ladies I randomly bring up to my room think I don’t have a woman in my life, Mariposa.”

The tone is overly sarcastic and you flick his chest half awake.

“It’s not for other women to know, it’s so I don’t feel like I’m with a junior in college. Makes you look like a frat star.”

Joel laughs louder, your head shaking with his chest moving and a smile turning your lips up, before he calms himself and strokes your spine, “Okay, okay, it is the task for the morning. We’ll pick up Sarah and head to…”

“HomeGoods.”

“Alright, HomeGoods it is. Now sleep.”

Sarah darts ahead of you both as Joel holds the door open, beelining in her Strawberry Shortcake pajamas to the first open booth she sees. Easily sliding into one side, she moves toward the wall as you two approach, patting the spot next to her.

“Posey, come sit with me!”

With a smile, you take the offered seat and look over to Joel as he settles in on the opposite side, shaking his head as he gives Sarah a playfully hurt face.

“You don’t want me to sit next to you, Bug?” he pouts.

“I wanna sit with Posey 'cause I always have to sit with you when we go places. It gets boring.”

You laugh loudly and cover your mouth when you get glares from other customers, Joel’s jaw drops for a moment before he looks at you and starts laughing as well.

“Never lose your honesty, mija.”

Sarah doesn’t seem phased by her dad’s response, moving to sit on her knees in the booth and look over the kids’ menu. Reaching up, you fluff her curls, smiling at her when she turns to look at you.

“How was the sleepover, Sare-Bear? I see you got some tinsel in your hair, it’s very pretty.”

“It was fun, but I kinda missed my stuffed animals and my own bed. I wanna have a sleepover at our house, Daddy,” Sarah looks up from the menu and to Joel, awaiting an answer. With one look at Joel, you can see the idea makes him nervous, having a handful of young girls to entertain for a whole night as a single dad. Sarah is one thing, she’s his and he can handle her attitude or boredom, but with other kids, he isn’t so sure he has a lot of tolerance.

“Um, I’m not sure, Bug. Can I think about it?” he asks with his brow furrowed, reaching across the table to nudge her arm with a smile. Sarah sighs and sits back, clearly disappointed in her father’s answer.

“Well, what about if you had a sleepover with me? I would be honored to be invited over. We could watch movies and I could do your hair or your makeup. We could paint our nails — a whole girls’ night. Plus your dad,” you turn back to Joel with a grin, winking as he chuckles.

Sarah immediately perks up, grinning wildly and bouncing in her seat, “You would come over for that, Posey? I want to have a sleepover with you. Please, Daddy, please can Posey come over?”

Joel gives you a knowing look, the secret shared between you two not living on for much longer, and he nods with a grin, “Sure, Bug. Posey can come over and stay whenever you want.”

Breakfast is filled with conversation about what you could do at said sleepover, making plans for movies, and going to the drug store to get some new nail polishes. Joel orders for the table so you can stay engrossed in conversation, and he can’t help but put a hand to his chest as he observes the two of you talking like you are best friends, despite the nearly twenty-year age difference. You treat Sarah like your own, and he reminds himself to thank you for that, someday.

When the chocolate waffles are set in front of you and Sarah, and a typical two eggs, toast, and bacon meal is laid in front of Joel, the conversation slows. After taking a sip of water, Joel faces Sarah, sharing one quick glance with you.

“So, mija, do you remember last summer when you were telling me about those classmates of yours that were boyfriend and girlfriend and they spent recess together?”

“Yeah, Luke and Katie. They are not boyfriend girlfriend anymore,” she says with an exasperated sigh, taking another bite of her waffle.

“Well, that’s too bad…Anyways, Bug, d’you remember what you told me when Posey was moving away? Like what you told me I should ask her?” You forgo your breakfast for a moment, sipping your water and darting your eyes between Joel and Sarah. She seems perplexed for a minute, tapping her chin as she thinks back in her young memory.

“I think I remember, Daddy. Why?”

Joel adjusts in his seat, clearing his throat — he’s never had to have this type of conversation with Sarah. Every woman he dated before had never gotten to this point, and after over two years of this back and forth with you, over a year of being head over heels for you, he knows it’s appropriate and that it’s time and that this is going to last until the end. If everything goes, well, how he is hoping it will go, this will be the only time he has to have a conversation like this with Sarah.

If only he knew how you were just as nervous, clammy hands gripping your condensation-covered plastic cup tighter and looking over at Sarah. Sure, she loves you, but that is as her nanny. As a family friend. Would she change her opinion if you were dating her dad? Your mind told you that you couldn’t be sure despite the way your heart was yelling at you to tell you that it would be all fine.

“I was askin’ you all this 'cause I have a big question I wanted to ask you. It’s okay to be honest, princess, I want you to know you can say whatever it is you feel, yeah?” Sarah nods in confirmation, encouraging Joel to continue, “What would you think about Posey being my girlfriend?”

“Is she your girlfriend, Daddy?” Her head whips to the side, curls bouncing as a grin grows on her face, “Are you Daddy’s girlfriend?”

The younger Miller volleys her gaze between you and Joel, eyes widened with her brows raised as she sits up eagerly. You make eye contact with Joel, nodding to him with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, mija, Posey’s my girlfriend now. Can you believe she said yes to your silly dad?” He teases and can’t help but laugh along with her as she giggles excitedly, the infectiousness of it bringing out a laugh from you.

“I’m so excited! Wait, so that means Posey is gonna be hanging out with you lots of times? And she’ll be at our house and can play with me?” Her tiny arms wrap around your bicep closest to her, leaning into your side. You drop your head onto hers and both of you look over at Joel.

“As much as Posey wants to come over, we’d be happy to have her, right Bug?” He smiles sweetly at you, holding your eyes for a lingering moment before Sarah pipes up again.

“Well, you can’t take up all the time Posey is over, Daddy, ‘cause I want to hang out with her, too.” Her arms tighten possessively and you chuckle, shaking your head.

“No need to worry about that, sweet pea,” acting as if you’re sharing a secret with her, you lean in, “Don’t tell your dad, but I think we’ll hang out the most.”

Sarah giggles at your joke, leaning back in the booth and letting go of your arm. Joel’s daughter starts to list everything she wants to do this summer, now with you instead of only her dad, and you look up to face Joel for a moment. He shrugs and smiles at you, reaching over and stealing a bite of your waffle. At your gasp, he chuckles and grins smugly, chewing the swiped sweet.

“Hey, Daddy, that’s not very polite,” Sarah reprimands, turning back to her food.

“I was makin’ sure it wasn’t poisoned, mija, just like I’m going to make sure yours isn’t too,” he takes the same from her plate, and in retaliation, you reach over and grab a piece of bacon, splitting it in half and giving one to Sarah.

“Hey! I don’t have that much bacon, y’all have massive waffles.”

“Sharing is caring. That’s what you always say to me, Daddy.”

“Yeah, J, sharing is caring. Can’t give the lesson if you can’t follow it.” You playfully stick your tongue out and Sarah imitates it, too. Joel sighs and shakes his head, leaning back in the booth.

“Is the two of you teaming up on me gonna be a thing now?”

“Yeah,” you answer at the same time as Sarah, the three of you laughing with each other.

It was bold to come to a HomeGoods on a Sunday, all of the aisles packed with people browsing on this relaxing weekend, stowing away in the air conditioning before venturing to the other stores in the commons. Sarah grips your hand, poking around the shelves while Joel stands behind you, a hand on your waist to keep you close.

The aisle filled with sheet sets is finally discovered by the three of you, excusing yourselves to the center of the aisle past a few fellow shoppers, looking up and down before facing Joel.

“Alright, your choice. Anything but plain ol’ navy, please.”

Joel’s eyes follow the same path that yours had, combing over the options before shrugging and staring down at you again.

“You choose for me.”

“Okay, that is not the point, it is still your room and your house.”

“I made choices for your room for you, sweetheart, you choose for me now,” his timbre rings in your ears as he presses his lips into the side of your head, fingertips rubbing circles in your lower back. Sarah wanders off down the aisle and Joel calls out a warning to stay where he can see her, waiting for you as you peruse the options. After some consideration, you select a thin pinstriped set and a plain white one, holding the sets against your chest.

“What d’ya think of these? Like either of ‘em?” Joel checks them out, shrugging and smiling.

“Both look great to me. You wanna look at anything else, mi amor?” He leads you out of the aisle, taking the sets and holding them under his arm. Pursuing the store, the three of you weave around aisles, checking out some other things. Sarah excitedly runs ahead to explore the kids’ section, drawn in by glitter, sequins, and bright colors. Joel takes your hand with his open one, nodding to some furniture on display.

“D’you like any of that?” You hum, turning your attention to him when you hear his question, following his gaze to the mix of pieces. Shrugging, you squeeze his hand and grab his bicep with your opposite one.

“The chair’s nice. Personally, I prefer my handcrafted, artisan bookshelf though.”

Joel scoffs and laughs a bit at your descriptors, “M’glad to hear that, the amount of splinters I got for that thing was brutal.”

“There’s literally blood, sweat, and tears put into it then,” you tease, continuing to scan over the goods, “None of this compares to a Joel Miller original.”

“I mean, thank you, sweetheart, but I do want you to feel at home with us. I’d get whatever you liked—well, maybe not something I could make 'cause it’s less expensive for me to just do it, but I want you to have a hand in our home. Make it as much of your space as it is ours.”

“I do feel at home with you both cause it’s the two of you. I mean, I didn’t really feel completely at home until I was at your place. The drawing from Sarah and Flopsy and the fact that you built my studio for me made me feel so much more comfortable, but it was like something really settled when I saw you.” 

“Y’know, I like having little reminders of you every day, darlin’. Bedsheets, stolen bites of waffle, the stuffed animals on Sarah’s bed, my watch from you,” he lifts his left wrist to show off the round face with the army green band, kissing your cheek, “And I want whatever you are willing to give me, even if it is just those tiny moments. I would be content with that for the summer; no matter where you decide to end up, I’d cherish all the small things with you.”

Looking up at him, you give his hand a gentle squeeze, “Think we both know what I’m gonna decide, J.”

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