#the second because it's a big more of a slog and because it's the one i reread most recently (and did enjoy--it's just easy to stall out)

[fictionadventurer]

Potential May Reading:

Once a Queen by Sarah Arthur

Pioneer Girl: The Path into Fiction

"The Moorland Cottage" by Elizabeth Gaskell

One of the Glen St. Mary books in the Anne of Green Gables series

Something by G.K. Chesterton

Something about Lincoln and/or the Civil War

Something about art

[awnrys]

ʜᴇᴀᴠʏ ᴄʜᴇꜱᴛ✧.*

bestfriend!megumi x f!reader

megumi miscommunicates his feelings to 'cure' his heavy chest.

↳˳;; ❝ part of my jealous? me? never! fic, masterlist here ᵕ̈೫˚∗

content: angst, miscommunication, implied relationship, readers pronouns are she/her, toge being a jerk, smau briefly, a few weeks after

wc: 1k

an: currently on the school bus 4 a trip nd writing this out 😭 kinda rushed, pls don't come at me

﹋﹋

megumi slogs into the school, giving a nasty look to anyone who isn't you. especially when he see's inumaki.

megumi doesn't know what hurts him more, the fact that his ex-bestfriend is choosing to try and win over his bestfriend that inumaki knows he likes, or the fact that your choosing to be friends with inumaki rather than just hearing him out on this one.

he decides before lunch would be the best time to discuss it with you and he shoots you a text.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

you left him on seen, which was unusual of you but he assumed it was because of the little arguments you guys had the previous few weeks.

he wasn't mad you had decided to rule out being friends with him for yourself, he understood, but he was still hurt a decent amount considering you guys had been friends for 15 years.

megumi came out of his trance and his heart started to race when he saw your little '...' bubble pop up.

all the hope quickly left him and his heart sank when it disappeared. megumi was disappointed. he had prayed that you would still show up so he can truly express his heavy feelings about this situation to you.

﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋﹋

it was 30 minutes before lunch and megumi clutched his phone in his clammy hand as he jogged to the meeting location.

he was praying this wasn't for nothing and that you would actually show. 5 minutes pass, then 10. he was slowly loosing hope that you would actually show.

all of a sudden, he saw you shuffle up to the tree out of the corner of his eye. he didn't wanna show it but he was happy. happy that you showed. happy that you cared.

"hi megumi." you say, shyly. he worries, why are you shy around him? you're never shy near him, and you never should be.

"hi y/n," megumi answered. he tries to add on to his sentence with his reason of bringing you here but you cuts him off.

"listen, i know its really soon but, i think i like toge. and he told me that you guys are bestfriends so i thought you could help me out. you know, since you and him are bestfriends and so are we," you confess.

megumi feels his heart sink all the way down to the core of the earth. you like toge. you like toge and not megumi. out of all the people that like megumi, you are not one of them. toge has now gotten you officially wrapped around his finger and there was nothing in the universe megumi could do about it besides wait.

he blinks away the few tears threatening to fall out of his tear ducts at any given moment and stutters.

"oh, y/n," i continue, "that's.. great. i'm so happy for you. you guys are gonna be so cute together..!" he lies out of his teeth.

he was praying all this time that maybe, just maybe, he could revamp this relationship he had made with you and finally confess his feelings that he's had pent up for years but now that chance has faltered.

you don't catch onto the little big lie megumi had told and continue.

"thank you, gumi! i'm so happy you understand. you know what's funny," you pause for a few seconds of silence, "i actually thought you and me would get together!"

megumi was sure he was absolutely sobbing his eyes out by now.

"i had liked you and i was sure you liked me but after these few weeks, i told myself to move on because i could tell by the way you were acting towards me and shit that you hadn't liked me.." concluded y/n.

megumi was about to go batshit insane. you had liked him, and you hadn't said anything to him. megumi didn't wanna lash out at you so he chose to go for the better option and ditch this whole talking-things-out plan all together.

"oh! haha.." he fakes, "that's funny y/n. what's the ti- oh shitt! i have to um, go somewhere. b-bye now, y/n." he lies with a scarily convincing fake smile.

you noticed he hadn't been using the little nickname he had given you after you gave him the nickname 'gumi' but you shrugged it off.

megumi was so fucking dumbfounded. why wouldn't you just say something to him? it was so clear as day that he had liked you! he made it so obvious and he even had yuji help him out on making it even more obvious!

megumi ran out of the school, leaving a trail of tear drops soak up little spots on the floors behind him.

he stops to take a breather. meanwhile. you pace as you head to lunch.

you let your mind wonder about megumi. why was he acting so weird? did something happen? why did he run off so quick? did he wanna ask me something?

you decided on stopping your stupid mindset and just hurrying up to lunch as fast as possible. you knew toge was probably waiting for you, and you were (almost) positive megumi was a-ok.

once you get your lunch, you head over to the table at which you and toge both sit at. you see toge waiting for you to eat his meal and quickly advance over to the table.

"hi toge!" you speak, excited. he flashes a cute smile as you and responds.

"hey y/n/n!"

you completely forget about the whole weird interaction with megumi and continue to chat with toge but megumi doesn't let his mind rest from you.

he can't stop thinking about you and how to stop you from liking toge and to like him. he knows there has to be some way and that he can finally, hopefully, get you to see that he does love you.

he plots on finally discussing the whole thing and maybe asking you out. that part is still in the works though. he's not sure if now is the right time.

he wipes off his tears and takes a deep inhale, hoping to get you back.

@1l-ynn @theweirdfloatything @morideadcat

[bengiyo]

2024 Recap: ✨A Summary✨

Post your most popular and/or favourite edit/gifset/analysis for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

@troubled-mind and @my-rose-tinted-glasses brought this back, and @lurkingshan mentioned me in hers.

January:

most popular - Last Twilight Ep 12 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

favorites - An Apology to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist, and Goblin is One of the Best Shows Ever Made

Seems I decided to cope with Last Twilight’s disappointment by capping off three big catchups. I am still so glad that I went back to Ossan’s Love and The Novelist to watch them properly. I still think these shows get a bad reputation, and I’m curious to see how the Thai version lands with audiences. I feel like I could also say so much more about Goblin, because I’ve also been considering a rewatch.

February:

most popular - Quick Post about How Great It Is to Be a J-BL Fan

favorites - My first interaction with @happypotato48, Love for Love’s Sake Finale, Drama Shower Explainer, My Post About How Much I Love Dynamite

What a fun month! I made a new friend, and found a new favorite show! I was so correct about how much Japanse QL we were getting and how much we’ve gotten in the past year. Though I was disappointed in the end of Drama Shower, I’m still glad that MBS is making BL…and whatever Red Blue is (I want to watch it so bad). My love for Dynamite has only grown since I wrote that post. I need to see so much more Aungpao this year.

March:

most popular - Love is Better the Second Time Around Ep 2 Stray Thoughts

favorites - Perfect Propose Finale, Cherry Magic TH Finale, Cherry Magic Anime Finale

It really was unexpected that we got two good adaptations of Cherry Magic in the same year, both of which would supplant the original adaptation for me. I think the Thai live action might be the best one for viewers, but damn is the anime still my favorite. Perfect Propose also may have been short, but that show has stuck with me. I still think about Kai giving Hiro the first good sleep he’s had in forever.

April:

most popular - Threatening people to tag Unknown spoilers

favorites - A “violence” ask about I used to shout out Tadaima, Okaeri.

This month looks relatively quiet for me, but holy shit was Tadaima, Okaeri unexpected. I was not expecting one of my favorite shows of the year to be an omegaverse husbands becoming dads show.

May:

most popular - Asking other BL fans how often we’d seen a 69 in BL

favorites - My Post About Why I Don’t Like We Are, My Wandee Goodday Check In

Man, I really hoped that Wandee Goodday would be good. I’m still flabbergasted by how badly that show lost me. Oyei and Cher were so important to me. Pour one out for the homies.

June:

most popular and favorite - Love Sea: Tongrak is Kind of an Asshole, and I Like It

other favorites - My Love Mix Up TH: The Adaptation Changes to the Class Play

Becoming a fan of MAME was not something I ever expected of myself, and yet here we are. I’ve now enjoyed three of her shows in a row, and supported another adaptation of her work. I also am so sad that MLMU wasn’t something I could enjoy. I was so amped after Cherry Magic TH and had real hope that this could also be fantastic.

July:

most popular - I Hear the Sunspot Ep 5 Stray Thoughts

You can tell I was traveling this month. I was quiet.

August:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb

favorites - Knock Knock, Boys! review, Office Romance Meditation on The Trainee and Other Shows

There were too many episodes to catch up on after traveling, so I dropped Stray Thoughts. It was probably for the best, because it took up a lot of time, and it made me grumpy to write about shows that were in a slog. I’ve enjoyed writing more focused pieces since.

September:

most popular - Horniest Sex Scenes Ask

favorites - The Trainee Reflection on Adulthood, Happy of the End Review, I Hear the Sunspot Wasted Taichi As a Character

The Trainee was so solid that I wrote about it two months in a row! Unfortunately it coincided with two J-BL losses that I had to mark.

October:

most popular and favorite - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo: We Are So Fucking Back

other favorites - An Apology to The Miracle of Teddy Bear, Love in the Big City Part 1: It’s Gay, Peaceful Property: There’s Nothing Noble About Being Poor

What an incredible month for me! I finished one of the best shows we never got to see properly in 2022, we got a fantastic adaptation of one of the best books I read this year, and Hwang Da Seul came back with an absolute banger.

November:

most popular - Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo reaction

favorites - Love in the Big City Part 2: The Weight of Homophobia, Making a Clown of Myself at the Beginning of Your Sky, Ben’s Big BL Blurb 2: Fall is Finally Here, Blue Canvas of Youthful Days: BL is So Good When The Characterization Holds

I feel like I must have had a lot of time to write this month. I still stand by what I said about Blue Canvas at this point, even if the finale threw a lot of this away. I also highlighted my Your Sky post as an example of how exciting the beginning of a new show can be before it veers off and loses steam. 

December:

most popular - Ben’s Big BL Blurb 3: Blue Canvas of Youthful Days Blew It, But I Still Recommend It

favorites - Random QL Superlatives 2024, Our Youth: “Don’t Do It At School”

I really love the end of the year posts as a time to reflect on everything we watched. What really stood out for me this year was how much I just let go. I’m glad I’ve watched less, and have stuck with things that compelled me in some way. Hilariously, I think it’s actually lowered my overall average, but my general mood is up because I’m not forcing myself to slog through shows. 

You can go here to find your top 10 posts of each month.

[emblemxeno]

Cindered Shadows Thoughts

Btw if you don't wanna see thoughts on my 3H playthrough block this tag #playing fe3h

-Finished it in exactly 8 hours, at least 2 of which could've been an email /s

-It is truly a microcosm of my foundational issues with 3H as a whole, besides two things

-One is that exploration isn't as tedious because Abyss isn't as big as the monastery, but I guess that isn't really a point in its favor since that's the whole point lol

-The second is I feel like Byleth's dialogue and text selections with the characters is a bit better. There's less instances of , what I describe as "characters extrapolating how Byleth feels in 1-2 text boxes before actually responding to what they said", which I swear is a cause for why the main game reads as if it's 10% longer than it's supposed to be.

-IMO unique map objectives don't save map design that's pretty uninteresting at the end of the day.

The first map's layout is cool! Until it gets reused in chapter 4, where it's only saving grace is a new objective utilizing prior knowledge established in chapter 1. Clever, but still a reuse in a game that infamously spams repeat maps. And outside of Chapters 2 (a slog where you defeat enemies in waves which isn't fun in FE) and 7 (a cramped hall where you have to brace against a monster boss), the other maps are reused from the base game, even chapter 3 is a slightly modified sealed forest.

-Combat itself is so slow, I'm really just debating turning off animations in general when tackling the main game. Not only do the animations take forever, but they don't look interesting, are surrounded by washed out textures and models, and-my personal biggest grievance-have absolutely no momentum nor weight behind them. The Tellius games, from what I've seen, yeah the animations take decades, but from a visual and sound design point, fighting feels significant. 3H also being sandwiched between Echoes (the gorgeous culmination of handheld 3D Fire Emblem presentation after half a decade) and Engage (which to me set a new, high bar standard for 3D FE presentation going forward) is an extremely unfortunate situation and I feel really sorry for it.

-Music still hits though, Shackled Wolves never gets old

-Another thing that 3H does that this DLC reminds me of is the amount of -Stand Around- cutscenes there are. It confused me that Engage gets the most heat for this, when this game does it more, due to more drawn out dialogue, simpler camera angles, stiffer models with fewer animations, and an absolutely diabolical background setup. For a game with an expository selling point, it repeatedly falls short at being engaging in a visual sense, with its scenes always being saved by the phenomenal voice acting. Almost always, at least. The scenes where the Wolves are getting their blood drained while they just stand there is so jarring and bad, it's nearly funny, when it's obviously not supposed to be given the lines, their delivery, and the accompanying music.

-The story from A to B is sweet I guess, but given that the devs said the Cindered Shadows version of events is basically non-canon to what happens in the main game sours me on it. Like, yeah it's cool that the Wolves can technically be capable enough to do it offscreen on their own, but then what's the incentive then for me to recruit them beyond the player's pre-established care? There's no narrative payoff in the grand scheme :/

-Also the whole plot is "what if Yuri, Rhea and somewhat Claude/Linhardt do everything and also these other goobers are here" which became really funny, because after a while even the lines had characters deliberating the sheer amount of coincidences and melodrama that was occurring. 3H style writing shoved into an 8 hour timeframe is accelerated, exhausting nonsense.

-Sothis not being in the plot is fine, because even though it doesn't make sense why she wouldn't comment, it's not like there's anything of value she would contribute beyond her usual schtick of "bratty banter, where are my memories, i sleep now".

Not having Jeralt though? Absolutely ridiculous. I don't like Jeralt as a character (he's my idea of pretty face and that's it), but there's no convincing me why he couldn't be here but Alois can. Love Alois! But he was a device used to have the Knights on standby and nothing more, which Jeralt could've done and it would've let him have a proper impact on the ordeal with Aelfric.

Speaking of which, revisiting this DLC had me thinking... wow this love of Aelfric is veering very close to cult-like, and it's cut short after chapter 5 because we don't go back to abyss once that map's done. I'm left with wondering how the Abyss denizens would feel after knowing that their caretaker was Like That™️, which is a completely foreign feeling to me when discussing 3H's narrative since the game normally never lets it be remotely unclear how the characters or the player should feel about anything ever. So... props for that for making me flex that part of my brain! You did it Fodlan, the creepy custodian plotline that was left dangling was great fridge horror material.

-The constant suspicion throwing and animosity towards Rhea and the church is tiring as usual, and also sometimes downright baseless. Like, at one point it's said that orphans are among those who are relegated to Abyss or otherwise ignored on the surface which is flat out not fucking true, Rhea literally takes in former bandit kids and Remire orphans, what are we doing here.

-Balthus has a cringe "fight the system line" meanwhile he's an irresponsible jackass pushing 30; Constance is written like a joke; Hapi's writing is a joke; Yuri is as incomprehensibly competent and storied as ever and I love that cuz it's nonsense.

-Overall, not godawful terrible, but nothing in it that's worth coming back to in my eyes.

[butterflydm]

Kinda jumping off a discussion I was having with @markantonys and @sixth-light the other day, I am really feeling excited about potentially bringing in most/all of the rest of our endgame love interests next season because I think they'll pretty much all benefit with the jump from book to screen.

(contains some book spoilers through Knife of Dreams)

I really enjoy a lot of the choices that the show has made so far, and I think they've done a lot of good set-up for the romances as well. To start with the characters who are locked in already, I really loved that Rand's three love interests all got to spend some extended time with (at least) one of his friends in season 2. Elayne being close with Egwene and Nynaeve is book canon, of course, but I like that the show essentially did that with Aviendha & Min too -- Perrin and Aviendha were so funny together, Mat and Min were also funny but had some great depth and angst. We got to see all three of them shine as individual characters before we got into any romance elements.

Especially with Min, I really loved the choice for them to take Min's self-reported past struggles with her ability and make it a current thing for her. It gives Min an active emotional storyline that is about herself and not centered around Rand, which is a big plus for me.

For next season, it's fairly well confirmed that we're getting Faile, and I think the show is set up to do really well with her:

a. the fact that we're not getting Perrin's internal narration will do so much to combat the 'constantly possessive and jealous' vibe that she often has in the books, because she frequently does not act on it but is just feeling something and if Perrin didn't basically have telepathy, no one would know.

b. Perrin's previous marriage provides a good reason for his relationship with Faile to be much more of a slow burn than it was in the books, and also provide background on why he'll be over-protective of her without falling into Jordan's "Women Are Precious Frail Flowers" trap (which Jordan did realize was a flaw in his writing -- we see him trying to interrogate it over the course of the series. But sometimes he would fall into the trap anyway).

c. And Faile and Perrin's relationship being more of a slow-burn would also make Berelain be a less ridiculous character (if they choose to still have her & her pursuit of Perrin). I'm also fond of the (from reddit!) speculation that maybe Berelain will be Graendal in disguise, which would have the potential of working really well to bring Graendal in sooner and give Perrin a proper Forsaken nemesis.

We are likely to get Gawyn, and if he's our main PoV for split in the White Tower, rather than it being Min (who is going to be in the Tanchico storyline with Mat, if that leak from a couple of weeks ago is true), then the audience will be more inclined towards being sympathetic towards him. We're also not likely to have the huge slow-down in pacing that happened in the second half of the book series, so it won't feel like Gawyn is just marching in place for forever. He's definitely one of the characters who suffers the most from how slowly the plot moves in The Slog.

Less likely but still very possible (especially if the leak about Mat is true) is that we may meet Tuon next season, and the show has done so much to make Mat & Tuon more plausible as a romance, even before we get into anything like character development.

Partly in the difference in Mat's background, in his relationship with his parents, and also in the way his dynamics with characters like Liandrin and Ishamael were played out.

Plus the set-up for what the show is doing with damane & sul'dam is promising in terms of Tuon because the show has established that the sul'dam are very weak channelers (as opposed to being learners), which means that Tuon actively beginning to channel wouldn't be plot-breaking in terms of her capabilities and would just affect her on a narrative level, which makes that feel like a much more likely path for them to choose to go with her and which opens up some avenues for some genuine character growth from her, which would be an exciting change from the books.

And, on a more subjective note, I feel like Jordan really fell down on the writing of Mat and Tuon, especially in CoT & KoD, so basically anyone else taking them over is probably going to be an improvement for me.

The show also really established a strong personality for Mat off the bat, which is something that Jordan was pretty inconsistent about. 'Mat' doesn't really gel as an individual character until the third book when he gets a PoV; and then he changes in several ways between the end of Winter's Heart and the start of Crossroads of Twilight (which is only a week later); I think that 'Crossroads' Mat could have been plausible (if depressing) as a character if Jordan had actually worked up to him over the course of CoT & KoD rather than him abruptly becoming this New Slavery-Neutral "both sides are valid" Mat in-between books (in WH he has an actual ethical & visceral objection to slavery, while in CoT & KoD, he only seems to object to the idea of being personally enslaved and views it neutrally if other people are enslaved). But I've talked about all that before, lol, so I will just say that it feels like the show already knows who they want Mat to be and has taken a pretty bold stand on the subject (re: being a Hero of the Horn), so I don't think we'll see them dumping his brains and empathy overboard between seasons.

So, yeah, I know s3 is still filming, but I am already anticipating it so much!

[tieronecrush]

hot & heavy

chapter nine: jesus christ 2005 god bless america

neighbor!joel x f!reader

series masterlist

series rating: E (18+ MDNI)

series summary:

over the course of three summers, joel miller becomes woven into your life. the first summer is spent falling for him; nannying his daughter and sneaking around with him in a burning love affair. you know how you feel about joel, he isn’t so sure about how it all is gonna work. the second summer is brief. a month spent at home after graduation and before you move to boston for your dream job. one look at you, one time hearing your voice, and joel is hooked again. he pines over you for that month, but you think — how is long distance of over a thousand miles going to work for a single dad? the third summer, you return home burnt out and pride bruised from your post-grad life. you need time to feel at home again, like your complete self, so you’ve come back home with no return ticket booked. it’s only a matter of time before joel seeks you out, slowly spending more time with you. without an inevitable end to the summer looming over you both, what chances are you willing to take?

word count: 9.5k

warnings: NO OUTBREAK (don’t need to worry about the mushies), no use of y/n, inexperienced reader, age gap (joel is 30/31, reader is 22), canon-divergent (sarah is 7 y/o), nanny au, pet names (sweetheart, darling, sweet girl, mariposa, etc.), polite southern manners, feeling familial and self-pressure, undefined relationship, small use of spanish cause joel is latino, pining joel, fingering, hand-job, dirty talkkk king joel miller, soft soft soft joel, sprinkle of possessive joel, Big Feelings, crying, mentions of depression diagnosis and symptoms, struggling with self, discussion of co-parenting, signing away parental rights, effects of that situation on children, major guilt form both of 'em, this chapter has some heavier angst than before!

a/n: they're baaaaaaack <333 my babies! it's 2005 and summer #3 is officially underway and i can't wait to share it with you all. thank you so very much to the bestie/cousin/sister wife/sweet, sweet gf @northernbluess for beta-reading this chapter, and for shouting about these two with me. enjoy y'all x

You can count on your two hands the number of times you’ve been able to talk to Joel over the last year. Sarah’s schedule going into third grade was much busier, his work picking up even more business and expanding. Your job was demanding — long hours, coming in early and staying late, rejection after rejection of ideas you excitedly pitched. By a few months in, you took the hint: you were there to get coffees, do the grunt work, fill in the gaps even if it wasn’t in your job description. It wasn’t that you had a problem with doing all of those things; anyone in the industry, basically anyone with a corporate job has told you that you have to do your time, climb the rungs of the ladder to get to where you want to be. But it’s hard to justify a job that has taken you away from the one place that feels like home, the people who make you feel loved.

It came in waves at first, that feeling of heavy limbs, slogging thoughts, the perpetual cinch of your chest as if you were going to cry, with no reason to. In summer, it was easy to blame it on homesickness, adjusting to a new city, or getting used to living with your new roommates. The leaves changing brought new symptoms: staying in over the weekends, curled up in bed with the TV playing cable reruns for 48 hours straight, the lull of sleep overcoming you at odd hours. But this was merely because the cold was creeping in, and the daylight hours were waning.

Joel called one winter evening; well, the Caller ID read his name, but upon answering the phone, you were quick to realize it was someone else.

“Hello?”

“Posey, you answered! Hi!”

“Hey, Sare-Bear. What’s going on?” You find the means to prop yourself up on your pillows, turning down the volume of the TV and curling your knees toward your chest.

“Not too much, I asked Daddy if I could call you and he said yes, so I did! I was sad you couldn’t be home for Christmas last month. Santa brought me lots of presents! Oh, and Daddy took me to Disney World with Uncle Tommy after Christmas before school started again!”

Sarah’s chipper voice is scraping nails against your heart, tightening your lungs until all you can manage is shallow breaths. You hold it together long enough to hear about all her presents and the Miller family trip before you hear Joel in the background, coaxing the phone from his daughter.

“Daddy says he wants to talk to you so I have to give the phone to him. Bye, Posey, miss you!”

“Miss you too, sweet pea,” you choke out, sinking further into your bed with eyes filling with tears. You should be overjoyed to be hearing from Sarah; instead, it fills you with a reminder that you have no idea when you’ll see her again, no clue how to try to make yourself love this place.

“Hey, Mari.”

The sound of his voice was syrupy, the drawl in his tone basking you in the Texas sun that you missed so. He was like the warmth of a bonfire, the summer breeze messing with your hair while you rode in his truck with the windows down. Hearing him was like sinking into his mattress for the night, a solid, weighted arm slung around you safely.

“Hi, Joel.”

“Gotta say thank you again for the watch you sent me for my birthday. I know, you’re going to say that I’ve already said it about ten times but I need to do it again 'cause I just like havin’ a reminder of you every day.”

“You’re welcome,”  your voice wavers slightly, and you make a quick attempt to recover with a deep breath.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

No, not now, you can’t break now, you have to make it through the phone call.

Your tongue sits heavy in your mouth, your ears growing hot and tears pricking your eyes in pain as you hold it all in. One sniffle comes over you before you can catch it, concern lacing the other end of the call.

“Hey, darlin’—Hold on.”

Muffled thumps of footsteps heading upstairs crackle through the phone, the creak and click of a door closing popping in your ear pressed to the speaker.

“Sorry, I had to come up to my room. Now, what’s wrong, darlin’?” Joel’s gentle, airy tone breaks the final splinter of the dam, emotion overflowing.

“I shouldn’t let it all get to me, but, work has been awful, like all I've done this week is get coffee and take minutes for meetings, which don’t even get used because they have someone that gets to actually participate taking the minutes. And—and I can’t seem to find my place. My roommates are way closer with each other cause they’ve been working together before and at the office, it’s so cliquey and everybody keeps calling my accent cute—“

Attempting to make you smile, Joel interjects, “It is cute, sweetheart.”

“Well, you can say that ‘cause you’ve got one too. They just call me ‘Texas’ or ‘Y’all’ cause I said it once in front of the group. These people are all from around here, from generations of East Coast families and they know all about life here and constantly try to one-up each other and I can’t do it, Joel. I can’t—It’s too hard. It hurts so much.”

You’ve fully got tears streaming down your face, your voice thick with phlegm, and sniffling from your runny nose. 

“Oh, my sweet girl…” There’s a strain in his voice too, covered with a stuttered clearing sound. “Mariposa, my Mariposa, you can do It. I know it’s hard, I know. And mean people don’t make the adjustment any easier, but remember you’re the bigger person. Kill ‘em with kindness, baby.”

“It breaks my heart to hear you’re hurtin’, Mari. But you can do it. You’re smart, beautiful, funny, tough…Are you—are you talkin’ to anybody, sweetheart? A professional?”

“No…” you confess meekly, embarrassed by your lack of effort.

“It’s okay, baby, that’s okay. Maybe we can find you someone, alright? Might help to get out of the house, go see them, talk to them. We’ll find you someone, Mari. Promise.”

“Joel, I don’t want you to worry about me. You don’t have to help me find—“

“I want to. I worry about you constantly, mi amor. It’s hard not to when half of my heart’s across the country.” Silence falls over the line, picking up your hand to wipe at your tears. 

“Thank you, Joel.”

“I love you, Mariposa. Always going to.”

That was the last major phone call you had with him. He did help you find someone, a therapist, to talk to. But through them, you had come to the decision that this life wasn’t for you; corporate bullshit was leaving you burned out and defeated, and it was cooking up an unstable environment that let your sadness and disappointment fester into depressive episodes.

After that discovery, the choice was made and you phoned your parents to tell them you were planning on coming home at the end of your first-year contract if they would have you. They agreed, of course, to welcome you back home for as long as you need.  

You couldn’t bring yourself to call Joel. Hearing his disappointment in your quitting would ruin you. And, you couldn’t blame him if he got a bit angry either. You ran off and chose this life, and when it turned out to be shit, you were running home with your tail between your legs at the first opportunity. He expected so much from you and was so proud of you for choosing your dreams.

You couldn’t bear to tell him about your failure. So you didn’t.

Arrangements were made in the next few months: a replacement roommate found, a letter of resignation submitted, a one-way plane ticket purchased.

Joel wipes at his forehead, standing in the middle of the job site he was working by himself. It was rare for him to really get his hands dirty these days; Miller Construction has grown tenfold since it started, a wider team built and Joel taking the helm as more of a manager and owner. He had a hand in every project, being the one to design and plan everything, leaving the execution to be led by Tommy and his employees.

This was a particular job, though, and one he wanted to make sure was perfect.

Your dad had approached him in early Spring, walking over while Joel mowed the lawn. He explained what he was looking to get done — the basement converted into a studio apartment, with a new bathroom and kitchenette.

Joel agreed to help with the task, and out of curiosity he asked why they were making the change. Usually, it was in-laws, but maybe it was to increase the sale value. Maybe they were planning a move?

He heard it and zoned out immediately.

You? You were moving home?

He wracked his brain for any mention of these plans from you over the last few months, but he came up short when he realized it had been a couple of months since the last phone call. Life had gotten so busy, evenings spent with lawyers and Sarah home every weekend, trying to adjust her to the new arrangement as best as he could. There was his own news he had to tell you, but couldn’t ever find the right time to reach out when he knew how stressed out you were. He remembered missing a call from you, but he completely forgot to return it. Were you going to tell him then?

The phone call he made to you that night went to voicemail, and he left one in hopes you would return a call or message.

“Hey, Mariposa… Hope you’re doing well, amor. Your dad, uh, he came over today and asked me for help on the house. They wanna make the apartment a basement and—shit you definitely already know all of this… Are you—are you coming home?”

He couldn’t stand how he sounded, on the verge of begging and filled with nerves, so the voicemail ended after he asked. You didn’t return the call.

Standing back looking at his handiwork, he takes a deep breath. He’s poured over the decisions for every detail, your parents entrusting him with the project completely. He matched the floors to the rest of your house, but the walls are a soft green, one accented with wallpaper he painstakingly installed that is patterned with lavender, marigolds, and hydrangeas — small butterflies hidden in the flowers.

At one side of the studio space, Joel installed the bookshelf he made by hand in his garage, the built-in coming up halfway on the wall, molding covering the surface, and stained a rich, medium tone that complemented the paint choice. He imagined your rows and rows of beat-up paperbacks filling the spaces, knickknacks strewn along the top.

Your furniture was moved down from your bedroom, arranged by your mom to fit nicely within the space. It feels like you’re already living in this space, the touches of you from your things and the new items he tried to get perfectly ‘you’. A faint smile tugs at his lips, excitement trickling into his bloodstream and tingling all over.

You’re coming home.

The first day you were back, you didn’t leave your new room.

It was out of exhaustion, but mostly out of relishing in the new space, nearly brought to tears by the thoughtfulness of your parents. When they were showing you the new studio suite of yours, you couldn’t stop smiling, turning to your mom and asking, “How did you choose the paint color? And where’d you get the bookshelf?”

Your mom laughed, shrugging as she answered, “Believe it or not, Dad and I were so busy these last few months that we told Joel just to go wild! Well, not wild, but he made all the choices — only ran the cost by us.”

“Wait, Joel did this?”

“Oh yeah, did the whole thing for free labor, too. Stand up guy. Said he just wanted to help out a neighbor — and he did the whole thing himself too, none of his guys helped him. He did a great job, huh kiddo?” Your Dad gives you a grin, extending his arms as if showcasing the room you three were already in and poking around in.

“Yeah, he did do a great job. Guess I need to thank him…” You swallow hard and toy with your bedspread as you sit at the edge of your bed, one leg bent onto the mattress, “Thank you both for this and—and for letting me come home.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it, kiddo. We love having you here, always. You stay however long you need, princess.” At that, it was simply closed, your parents never pushing for more detail than you were willing to offer at the time; both gave you a kiss on your head and a tender hug before they made their way back upstairs, leaving you to begin unpacking.

A fresh set of eyes rolls over the space, the context that each choice was Joel’s, made for you, lighting up small details. The color of the wood he used for the shelves, the wallpaper covered in your favorite flowers and butterflies; what catches your attention is a frame set on the surface of the built-ins. You pick it up, free hand jumping to your chest as you study the content.

A drawing, signed in the bottom right corner by a “Sarah M.” It’s of a garden, lush greenery with an opening in the middle. Joel stands at one side, with dark hair and a scribbled beard, Sarah in the middle with her bouncy curls. On the other side of Sarah is a depiction of you in your sundress from the day at the butterfly garden last summer. The closest thing to a photo of the three of you.

Placing the frame back where you had found it, you hold back your tears, rubbing circles in your thumping chest as you look around the room for five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

At the third out of four things you can touch, your eyes fall to your bed, pink plaid poking out from between your pillows drawing you nearer. You pull out the shape from your bedding, coming face to face with the long-eared, stuffed bunny that you passed down to Sarah last year. Flopsy.

You curl the animal into your chest, squeezing it as you climb onto your bed and lie down. Bringing it up to your face, you inhale the smell of the Miller house, the smell of your previous summers. It calms your rapid pulse, each deep breath lulling you to sleep.

Somehow, despite being each other’s next-door neighbors, you’ve managed to avoid Joel and he’s avoided you for the last few days. It wasn’t like you weren’t thinking about him — no, you were constantly thinking about him. Driving past his house, walking past his driveway, every time you wake up in your room and are faced with all of what he did for you. 

But finally seeing him, talking to him, you were going to be faced with the reality of telling him that you couldn’t make it, even with all of his support. The thought of watching his face fall when you have to admit you moved across the country for what amounted to nothing, broke his heart for dreams that ended up being the opposite of what you wanted.

Joel avoided you, simply to give you some time to adjust and also, to skirt around the fact that he wasn’t there for you when you must have needed him the most. Plus, he had his own news to share with you, and he kept it in to keep you from worrying. He knew if he had told you then, when you were away, you would be on the next flight home to help him. He couldn’t make you do that, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to say no to you coming either. And now, he’ll have to admit all of this to you — to tell you that he kept this from you and watched your face fall into hurt.

This sunny Saturday morning, you’ve taken to walking door to door with all of the parents in the neighborhood, offering yourself to babysit or nanny to fill the summer while you figure out what you want to do with your life. Most were surprised to see you back home, but eager to take down your number, promising to reach out if they needed help. 

On your way back home, you’re on Joel’s side of the cul-de-sac, biting your lip as you get a view of his back in a white tee, shoulders straining as he stretches over the hood of his truck. He squeegees the front windshield, the truck covered in soap suds from him washing it.

As if feeling eyes on him, he turns over his shoulder to see you walking up. Completely turning around, he leans back against the hood, waving to you with a held-back smile. Joel eyes you in your cut-off shorts, licking his lips and humming to himself when he sees his navy t-shirt on you, the one he gave you last summer. 

“Now, Miller, I haven’t seen you wash that dirty ass truck once the past two summers. And now you’re out here in your little shorts and white tee as soon as I get back? Suspicious.”

On his driveway now, you stand a few feet apart, a bright teasing smile on your face. Joel can’t help but feel the familiar itch in his fingers, gripping the squeegee tighter. His butterfly is back in his stomach, stirring to life as its wings start fluttering at the sight of you, rising to his chest at the sound of your voice.

“Bit suspicious that this is the first time you just so happen to stop by to say hello, is it not, Mariposa?” he asks with a raise of his eyebrows, smirk tugging up one side of his lips and exposing his dimple.

“Wha—Oh, shut up. I was stopping by to offer to help you, for your information.”

“Oh yeah? Alright then, grab a sponge, sweetheart,” he nods to the bucket on the asphalt, tossing the squeegee into the grass. You pick up a sponge out of the bucket, ringing it out a bit before going over and starting to wash the other side of his car. Joel disappears around the side of the house, coming back with the hose running water to rinse the car off.

“Think you missed a spot, Joel,” you giggle, moving the sponge in circles.

“Y’know what? I think I missed a really big spot. Kind of on the other side by you.” He’s got a devilish smirk painting his face, mischief glinting his eyes in the sunlight. He stalks around the car, moving his thumb toward the end of the hose.

“Joel, don’t you dare…”

“What, darlin’? You look a little hot. Think you need to cool down.”

“Joel! Don’t, you shithead!”

In a last-ditch effort, you toss your sponge at his chest before trying to run away. It’s fruitless, shrieking as you feel the cold water spray at your legs. You turn around to face Joel chasing you with the hose, his thumb at the end to make the water pressure higher and shoot farther. It’s as if it’s raining, the water dripping from above; you cup your hands over your head, closing your eyes as you attempt to avoid the spray.

“Okay, okay! I've cooled down, please!”

All you hear is a laugh in response, the sound multiplying the goosebumps that the cold water has caused. With your eyes squeezed shut, you're blind as you run around the car, hitting directly into something solid, sturdy, but much softer than metal. A small ‘oof’ exhales out, one arm wrapping around you to steady you.

Opening your eyes, you see Joel with a wide, childish grin and a deepened dimple on his right cheek. The crinkles next to his eyes are showing and you can see the wet spot in his white shirt from the sponge hitting him.

“May I propose a treaty?”

“If it keeps you from spraying me with the hose, sure.”

He laughs again, sliding his hand across your back.

“You come over tonight and I won’t spray you again.”

“Hmm,” you hum as you consider it, eyes widening as Joel moves to get the hose on you again, “Okay, deal! Hose down, Miller!”

Happily, Joel throws the hose into the grass, tightening his arm in a half-hug. His lips as your ear, he speaks sweetly and kisses your cheek. “Good to have you home, Mari.”

You help him clean up the rest after he finishes rinsing the truck and shuts off the hose, lingering with him on the driveway.

He nods inside with a smile, “Someone else’s been waitin’ to see you if you wanna come in for a bit.”

“That would make my day. I’d love to see that someone,” you say through a smile, cheeks hurting from laughing and grinning for the past ten minutes.

Joel leads you inside, spotting Sarah on the couch. He walks ahead of you into the living space, heart swelling at the shocked reaction Sarah has to you standing in their house.

You are feeling the same — the ache in your bones from the last few months quells once you step foot in their house, limbs lightening when Sarah jumps off the couch and runs over, or well, runs into you.

“Posey! I can’t believe you’re back!” Sarah exclaims, giggling excitedly when you scoop her up into a hug and hold her flush against you. A kiss is pressed to the top of her head, a familiar scent in her hair from the product you use. You exchanged equally ecstatic greetings before she pulled you into the kitchen with Joel, sitting at the table to chat. Sarah sits across your lap, kicking her feet as she asks a million questions about why, how, what, and more.

You answer all of them, Joel interjecting for some as you explain to her that you’ll be here for the whole summer, at least, and that you’ll still be right next door.

Rubbing her back, you look down at Sarah with a gentle smile, “I have been meaning to come to ask you, sweet pea, but I found a mutual friend of ours on my bed when I came home. How did Flopsy end up back at my house? Did he get lost while your dad was working on my new room?”

“No, he isn’t lost! I know he’s there cause I put him there. I thought you might’ve missed him, and that he might make you happy and cheer you up because Daddy said you were missing home.”

Joel was unaware of the animal his daughter left behind, swallowing hard as she mentioned how he explained you were feeling homesick back then when you two had talked. His eyes are glued to you as he watches the emotions in your eyes, sadness flashing in them before you recover, visibly sitting up and the corners of your mouth tugging up into a gentle smile.

“He made me feel much better, sweet pea, so thank you. I can bring him back next time, okay?”

Sarah shakes her head firmly, making strong eye contact with you as she says, “No, you should keep him 'cause maybe you might need him while you get used to being home. He helped me get used to staying with Daddy all the time now, so I thought he could help you be at home again, too.”

You glance at Joel, who’s looking away from you now and toying with the edge of a placemat that’s laid out on the surface. Sarah turns her head, looking between the two of you before Joel clears his throat.

“Hey Bug, we gotta head out to get you over to Emily’s house for your sleepover tonight. Can you go get your bag from upstairs? And say goodbye to Posey.”

A quick hug and she is zipping off, leaving the two adults sitting at the table in a moment of silence. It’s Joel who breaks it again, looking at you with something unreadable on his face.

“You’re coming over tonight, yeah? I—I, um, I think we have some catching up to do.”

“Yeah, I think so too. I’ll see you tonight.” You stand up and he follows you to the door, taking your hand in his to pull you back as your hand reaches for the doorknob.

“It is really good to have you home, Mariposa. Feels like—I don’t know, life feels like summer again. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Joel. I’ll see you tonight,” you lean in, stretching up to kiss his cheek before slipping out of the door and into your backyard. 

At sunset, you slip out of the sliding glass door, walking across the pool area and into Joel’s backyard. Climbing up his deck stairs, you reach his back door and knock, biting back a smile when you can see him approaching with a puzzled expression. He opens the door, looking at you through the screen with a brown raised.

“Back door? This a new thing now?”

“S’closer to my new room.” You shrug and knock your knuckles on the metal frame of the screen door. Joel nods for you to step back, opening the door and holding it for you to come inside, shutting it and the windowed, wooden door behind it. Turning around to you, he steps forward, snaking his arms around your hips. A soft smile peels apart his lips with a relaxed sigh, leaning some of his weight into you.

“Hi, Mari.”

“Hey, J.”

“You smell good,” he says, muffled into your hair, lips pressing a kiss to the side of your head, “And I like that nickname.”

A quiet giggle breathes out from your mouth, hands coasting up and down his biceps. He moves to tuck your head under his chin, swaying back and forth in the middle of his kitchen.

“Thought we had stuff to talk about?” You question, biting your bottom lip and making no move to unfurl yourself from his arms. This is what you had been missing so much, feeling his radiating warmth and care. His tenderness, his love.

“We do. But I get to just hold you first, darlin’. Been waiting too long to do this again.” Squeezing you closer, he tucks his chin in to lay his lips against the top of your head, fingertips ghosting up your spine. It’s at least two minutes before he moves, untangling himself from you with one last kiss on your forehead.

“Alright, mi Mariposa, how about we sit on the couch? You can go first, sweetheart,” his voice crackles in your ears, feeling the reverb in your chest from his low drawl. Hands at your sides guide you into the living room, letting go to allow you to sit down, Joel taking a seat next to you and facing you. “You wanna go first, Mari? S’alright if you don’t…”

“No, I do. I think I should at least…” You sigh and focus your stare on a stitched seam of the back of the couch, tracing it with your fingers as you begin to recount what brought you home, “I don’t know if you remember that one phone call we had in the winter, but it was after that, you helped me find someone to talk to?”

“I remember.”

“Well, I started seeing them weekly, sometimes twice a week, and it helped to be able to talk about everything, but there wasn’t too much I could do to help the situation I was in. My, um, my therapist diagnosed me with depression.”

Your voice was thick, phlegm building up as your emotions started to get the best of you, stare still unfocused from Joel. His hand lays over yours, pulling you away from the movement and to his face. There’s no judgment in his eyes, only concern and piety. Without any words, he slides closer to you, pulling your legs across his lap and slipping an arm around your back.

“And in our sessions, I wasn’t really getting much better with the tools she was giving to me, so we made a plan. It started with her asking me where I felt the most myself, the most comfortable, where I could work on everything without the added…stress of work and feeling isolated. And then it was a bit of a no-brainer to make arrangements to come home. And—and I meant to call you, I really tried, Joel. But I couldn’t bear to have to tell you that I—I failed and that I broke your heart for nothing. You believed in me so much, and I couldn’t do it. I left everything behind, left you behind and nothing came out of it. And I couldn’t bring myself to call cause I couldn’t hear your reaction. I didn’t know if you’d care if I came back. If you would be mad or disappointed…”

You exhale with a long breath, tears flowing freely down your cheeks while Joel’s fingers work to wipe them away as quickly as they fall.

“Sweet girl…My Mariposa, I am so sorry you went through that. I’m so glad that you weren’t alone, that you had support, but I hate that I wasn’t there when you needed me,” he swallows and holds you against his chest, “I love you, sweet girl, always going to. I knew you had to go because I knew you might’ve regretted it if you didn’t try, but, darlin’, mi amor, I could give two shits if you live some big corporate life if it doesn’t make you happy. That is all I want for you, Mari, and if that wasn’t what you had up there, then I want you to find it wherever you are.”

You sniffle and wrap your arms around his neck, both of you embracing each other tightly — so tightly you nearly can’t breathe, but it feels comforting, like a weighted blanket over your body and soul.

“Selfishly, I’m glad you came home. Missed you, my sweet girl, and ‘m always gonna be here for you. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me, I should have been better, but there was just so much happening…” he admits, guilt and shame oozing out of his words and tone.

You pull back, brow furrowed as you hold the side of his jaw.

“Did something happen?”

“Um, yeah. Something did happen, in the spring…” he runs a hand over his face, sighing before he drops his forehead against yours, staying silent for a moment before sitting up again and gripping onto the fabric of your shirt.

“I have full custody of Sarah now.”

He watches as confusion falls over your face, melding into concern as he sees your thought process happening. He knows you’re thinking about Sarah, all of the little things she said earlier this afternoon must be clicking finally. The rhythm of his heart is racing, waiting for your questions.

“What? What happened? How? Are you okay, is Sarah okay?”

“It’s alright, Mari, I’m okay. Sarah’s adjusting. It was just sudden, and I had to scramble to get everything in order while also figuring out how to tell her. I really haven’t told her the truth, I c—I can’t do that to her…” His voice drops to a whisper as he trails off, eyes welling with tears of his own.

“Oh, J, babe, what happened? If you want to tell me, I’m here for you.”

He clears his throat, twisting the handful of fabric he’s got, “Tiff approached me after her last drop off when Sarah was inside the house, and she told me that…She basically said she met someone new, he was movin’ out of state for his job, and she wouldn’t be able to afford her child support anymore. I asked her what she was gettin’ at and she said, she said she wanted to sign her rights away. That she couldn’t do it all anymore.”

“I mean, I couldn’t bring myself to tell Sarah that—that her mom didn’t want to take care of her anymore. So I only told her that she would be gone for a while and that she would be staying at home for all her weekends for now. I don’t know what to do, baby. And it was all so chaotic, and I couldn’t call you 'cause I didn’t want to add to your stress with work and life up there.”

In response, you hold yourself around him silently, arms at his neck, straddling his lap and wrapping your legs around his waist like a koala in a tree. Joel relaxes into you, damp droplets soaking into your shirt and skin as he lays his head on your shoulder. All of his stress, his anxieties come out. He knows he should also be comforting you, for everything you’ve told him, but it’s like a door has opened and everything is piling out of him. He’s held it together for months now, his only person to talk to being Tommy, but he doesn’t want to burden his younger brother with all of his problems all the time.

Not that he wants to do that to you, either, especially with what you’ve been through, but at this moment, all he can think about is your touch, your warmth, your care.

“You could never be anything but an addition to my life, Joel. Even if it’s a problem, I want to help you solve it or be there for you while you work through it. ‘M here now, we both are, so we can get through our things together.”

At his next sniffle, he pulls away, staying wrapped up in you but sitting so he can see your face.

“Guess these last few months have been messes for both of us, huh?” You break the seriousness of the moment with your chuckle, sending Joel into a fit of laughter as he nods.

“Guess so. Might’ve been better if either of us called. Don’t think we’d be here right now crying.”

“That’s life though, isn’t it? At least ours. Miscommunication continually brings us back together. I think maybe we should quit that habit though.”

“I agree…” he smiles sweetly, eyes pouring adoration into yours, “All this talk about us, I guess my other question would be, what are we? I mean, you don’t have an end to the summer, right? So maybe we could—“

“Let’s give us a proper shot. No expiration date. We can just be together and see what comes of it, yeah?”

“Yeah, Mariposa, yeah. I would love that,” Joel leans in, catching your lips in a slow, syrupy kiss. It’s languid, stealing your breath and giving you his, melting your tongues together and sighing at the taste of you. He pulls back, ghosting his lips over yours with an infectious smile.

“So, is that it? Are you officially mine, Mariposa? Mi Mariposa es solo mi Mariposa (My butterfly is only my butterfly)?”

“Yours. And you’re mine, so don’t forget it,” you chuckle and he kisses you sweetly again, shaking his head as his nose fits against yours.

“Never going to forget that, are you kidding me? Hearing that automatically entered my top five best life moments.”

“God, you’re such an idiot…”

“Yeah, I am, baby. An idiot in love. A fool for you,” he laughs and tightens his grip around you, arms settling under your thighs as he stands from the couch, carrying you toward the stairs, “Also an idiot who’s getting to go to bed with the girl of his dreams. So, really, who’s an idiot now? Think I made some damn good decisions.”

“Can I take back my answer to your question?” You tease, shrieking when he drops you onto his bed, a smirk on his face as he shakes his head.

“No takebacks. Stuck with me now, Mariposa,” he climbs over you and kisses you again, deeper than before but as innocent as the giggly kisses you shared earlier.

“Good thing you’re a good kisser.”

“Yeah? Bet you know what else I’m good at, don’t you, sweetheart?” He sits back on his haunches, eyes dragging over you laying back on his bed, tongue poking out to lick his lips.

“Can I have you, darlin’? Pretty please?”

A hard swallow comes from your throat, crossing your arms over your stomach as you look up from the mattress to Joel.

“I want you to, but I’ve…I haven’t done anything since—“

“I understand, sweet girl. You wanna ease back into it with me, hermosa? We’ll go slow,” he watches you nod, pushing up the hem of your t-shirt to under your breasts, “No bra? Sigues siendo mi diablita, no? (You’re still my little devil, aren’t you?)”

As you sit up, he tugs the materials over your head, folding over to attach his lips to one of your already pebbled nipples. A whimper slips from your mouth, tangling fingers into his hair and arching into his mouth. He pays the same attention to the other side, soft moans filling the room.

Joel separates from you with a pop of his lips, grinning as he reaches for the back collar of his t-shirt and pulls it over his head. You happily sigh as you run your hands across his strong chest and shoulders, tickling your fingertips down his stomach as he watches you slip his shorts’ waistband down a few inches.

“Mm, I have an idea, sweetheart…You wanna try something we haven’t done before?” Joel kisses your lips before peppering kisses along your jaw.

“What d’you have in mind?”

“Take the rest of your clothes off, darlin’. ‘M gonna sit up at my headboard and you come sit on my lap, m’kay?”

You follow his instructions, licking your lips as you watch him stand and strip in front of you, his hard cock slapping against his stomach, leaking already out of need. He sits on his bed, head leaned against the headboard with pillows supporting his back. With your shorts and panties thrown into a heap with his clothes, you walk over the mattress on your knees, lifting one to the other side of his thighs.

“So beautiful, Mariposa. The most beautiful,” he sighs as he licks into your mouth, grabbing handfuls of your ass, “How did I get so damn lucky?”

“Could say the same thing about you, J. Pretty boy.” 

He chuckles against your lips, shaking his head. “Not as pretty as you, mi amor. Estás preciosa. Mucho más preciosa que cualquier flor o puesta de sol o estrella. La cosa más hermosa que he visto.”

“What does that all mean?”

“You are gorgeous. Much more gorgeous than any flower or sunset or star. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” Joel speaks softly, tenderness in his eyes as he brushes your hair away from your face. 

Heat spans across the back of your neck and up to the tips of your ears, heart pounding from the look he is giving you. It feels like it’s breaking down any facade you had left, completely exposed to him with the bashful smile on your face.

“I love you, Mariposa,” he punctuates with a stealing kiss, one hand roaming around to your front to slip between your legs. Two fingers collect your arousal on their tips, dragging some to your clit as you sigh into Joel’s mouth. 

“Now, ‘m gonna touch you, baby, and if you want, you touch me at the same time, yeah?” He pulls away from your lips, nudging his nose into your cheek.

“I want to, I really want to.”

His fingers move to your entrance, gathering more along his whole fingers before pulling from between your legs and wrapping his own hand around his cock. He gives himself a few long strokes, looking into your eyes.

“Think you can spare some for me, sweet girl? Got you fucking drenched from barely even touchin’ you,” he sighs contently, leaning his head back more, “Spit on it for me, baby, and use your own hand, m’kay?”

You nod, eager to follow instructions. Folding forward, you drop saliva onto his waiting cock, watching as it slips down the side and mixes with your slick. He takes his hand away and your own wraps around his base, starting slow and teasing strokes.

“Fuck,” he exhales, dragging it out as long as his sigh is, “Missed you so much, sweet girl. You’re my sweet girl now, aren’t you? Only mine.”

His fingers find your core again, slow circles matching the energy of your strokes. A whine slips out, brows scrunching as you attempt to move your hips to get more friction.

“Please, Joel, please. Want more…”

“You want more, mi Mariposa? You want me to fuck you with my fingers, hm?” At your rapid nod, he chuckles darkly, nipping at your neck.

“Gotta give me more to get more, sweetheart. ‘M aching for you, just giving you the same treatment.”

“Mean,” you breathe out, gasping as his thick fingers tease your entrance.

“You ain’t seen mean yet, cariño,” he kisses you again as he slips one finger inside of you, the pace of your hand moving faster when you get more of what you wanted. He groans, the sound muffled into your tongue as it flicks against his, the heel of his hand rubbing against your clit. You start to bounce your hips in rhythm with your hand, imagining his cock inside of you again.

With a lewd noise, he pulls away, shallow breaths fanning across your collarbone.

“Mm, that’s right, baby. Fuck yourself on my fingers while you stroke my cock.”

His voice makes you flood his finger even more, easily slipping another into you for a few strokes before adding a third.

“Feel full, sweet girl? Feel anything like my cock?” He whispers to you as you continue to ride his hand, moving your hips and hand faster.

“So full, J. Not as good as your cock, nothing ever is, but fuck—oh fuck! Feels so good.” Your eyes close tightly as the frays of tightly coiled rope start to break inside of you. Joel takes over as your body stills with stimulation, fucking his fingers into you quickly with wet noises while his own hips move under your grip to fuck your hand.

“Come for me, my sweet girl. Let me feel what I’ve missed about this pussy. Still mine, isn’t it?”

“Yesyesyes, Joel! Oh my god, fuck I’m coming!” You open your eyes as the last fibers of the rope snap, pleasure radiating over every nerve while he continues to move under you and inside of you. The aftershocks of your orgasm fade as he whimpers in front of you, shots of warm cum coating your hand and his stomach.

“Oh fuck, Mari…” Joel picks his head up and looks at you with a breathless laugh and smile, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips as he pulls his fingers out of you.

“I love you, my girl. Mi Mariposa. Let’s get you cleaned up and get to sleep, yeah?” 

Slumber reaches the edge of your vision, drooping your eyelids as Joel guides you to his en-suite, washing your hands for you before washing his, and wiping a warm cloth between your legs. He peppers kisses to your head, shoulders, and neck as he does it all, whispering sweet nothings as he pulls you back into his bed.

“Night, Mari.”

“Night, J…Mm, before I forget, we’re getting you new sheets tomorrow. No more navy, you’ve got a girl in your life now.”

He laughs, kissing the top of your head and holding you closer to his side as he exhales, “Sure thing, my sweet girl. Can’t have all the other ladies I randomly bring up to my room think I don’t have a woman in my life, Mariposa.”

The tone is overly sarcastic and you flick his chest half awake.

“It’s not for other women to know, it’s so I don’t feel like I’m with a junior in college. Makes you look like a frat star.”

Joel laughs louder, your head shaking with his chest moving and a smile turning your lips up, before he calms himself and strokes your spine, “Okay, okay, it is the task for the morning. We’ll pick up Sarah and head to…”

“HomeGoods.”

“Alright, HomeGoods it is. Now sleep.”

Sarah darts ahead of you both as Joel holds the door open, beelining in her Strawberry Shortcake pajamas to the first open booth she sees. Easily sliding into one side, she moves toward the wall as you two approach, patting the spot next to her.

“Posey, come sit with me!”

With a smile, you take the offered seat and look over to Joel as he settles in on the opposite side, shaking his head as he gives Sarah a playfully hurt face.

“You don’t want me to sit next to you, Bug?” he pouts.

“I wanna sit with Posey 'cause I always have to sit with you when we go places. It gets boring.”

You laugh loudly and cover your mouth when you get glares from other customers, Joel’s jaw drops for a moment before he looks at you and starts laughing as well.

“Never lose your honesty, mija.”

Sarah doesn’t seem phased by her dad’s response, moving to sit on her knees in the booth and look over the kids’ menu. Reaching up, you fluff her curls, smiling at her when she turns to look at you.

“How was the sleepover, Sare-Bear? I see you got some tinsel in your hair, it’s very pretty.”

“It was fun, but I kinda missed my stuffed animals and my own bed. I wanna have a sleepover at our house, Daddy,” Sarah looks up from the menu and to Joel, awaiting an answer. With one look at Joel, you can see the idea makes him nervous, having a handful of young girls to entertain for a whole night as a single dad. Sarah is one thing, she’s his and he can handle her attitude or boredom, but with other kids, he isn’t so sure he has a lot of tolerance.

“Um, I’m not sure, Bug. Can I think about it?” he asks with his brow furrowed, reaching across the table to nudge her arm with a smile. Sarah sighs and sits back, clearly disappointed in her father’s answer.

“Well, what about if you had a sleepover with me? I would be honored to be invited over. We could watch movies and I could do your hair or your makeup. We could paint our nails — a whole girls’ night. Plus your dad,” you turn back to Joel with a grin, winking as he chuckles.

Sarah immediately perks up, grinning wildly and bouncing in her seat, “You would come over for that, Posey? I want to have a sleepover with you. Please, Daddy, please can Posey come over?”

Joel gives you a knowing look, the secret shared between you two not living on for much longer, and he nods with a grin, “Sure, Bug. Posey can come over and stay whenever you want.”

Breakfast is filled with conversation about what you could do at said sleepover, making plans for movies, and going to the drug store to get some new nail polishes. Joel orders for the table so you can stay engrossed in conversation, and he can’t help but put a hand to his chest as he observes the two of you talking like you are best friends, despite the nearly twenty-year age difference. You treat Sarah like your own, and he reminds himself to thank you for that, someday.

When the chocolate waffles are set in front of you and Sarah, and a typical two eggs, toast, and bacon meal is laid in front of Joel, the conversation slows. After taking a sip of water, Joel faces Sarah, sharing one quick glance with you.

“So, mija, do you remember last summer when you were telling me about those classmates of yours that were boyfriend and girlfriend and they spent recess together?”

“Yeah, Luke and Katie. They are not boyfriend girlfriend anymore,” she says with an exasperated sigh, taking another bite of her waffle.

“Well, that’s too bad…Anyways, Bug, d’you remember what you told me when Posey was moving away? Like what you told me I should ask her?” You forgo your breakfast for a moment, sipping your water and darting your eyes between Joel and Sarah. She seems perplexed for a minute, tapping her chin as she thinks back in her young memory.

“I think I remember, Daddy. Why?”

Joel adjusts in his seat, clearing his throat — he’s never had to have this type of conversation with Sarah. Every woman he dated before had never gotten to this point, and after over two years of this back and forth with you, over a year of being head over heels for you, he knows it’s appropriate and that it’s time and that this is going to last until the end. If everything goes, well, how he is hoping it will go, this will be the only time he has to have a conversation like this with Sarah.

If only he knew how you were just as nervous, clammy hands gripping your condensation-covered plastic cup tighter and looking over at Sarah. Sure, she loves you, but that is as her nanny. As a family friend. Would she change her opinion if you were dating her dad? Your mind told you that you couldn’t be sure despite the way your heart was yelling at you to tell you that it would be all fine.

“I was askin’ you all this 'cause I have a big question I wanted to ask you. It’s okay to be honest, princess, I want you to know you can say whatever it is you feel, yeah?” Sarah nods in confirmation, encouraging Joel to continue, “What would you think about Posey being my girlfriend?”

“Is she your girlfriend, Daddy?” Her head whips to the side, curls bouncing as a grin grows on her face, “Are you Daddy’s girlfriend?”

The younger Miller volleys her gaze between you and Joel, eyes widened with her brows raised as she sits up eagerly. You make eye contact with Joel, nodding to him with a gentle smile.

“Yeah, mija, Posey’s my girlfriend now. Can you believe she said yes to your silly dad?” He teases and can’t help but laugh along with her as she giggles excitedly, the infectiousness of it bringing out a laugh from you.

“I’m so excited! Wait, so that means Posey is gonna be hanging out with you lots of times? And she’ll be at our house and can play with me?” Her tiny arms wrap around your bicep closest to her, leaning into your side. You drop your head onto hers and both of you look over at Joel.

“As much as Posey wants to come over, we’d be happy to have her, right Bug?” He smiles sweetly at you, holding your eyes for a lingering moment before Sarah pipes up again.

“Well, you can’t take up all the time Posey is over, Daddy, ‘cause I want to hang out with her, too.” Her arms tighten possessively and you chuckle, shaking your head.

“No need to worry about that, sweet pea,” acting as if you’re sharing a secret with her, you lean in, “Don’t tell your dad, but I think we’ll hang out the most.”

Sarah giggles at your joke, leaning back in the booth and letting go of your arm. Joel’s daughter starts to list everything she wants to do this summer, now with you instead of only her dad, and you look up to face Joel for a moment. He shrugs and smiles at you, reaching over and stealing a bite of your waffle. At your gasp, he chuckles and grins smugly, chewing the swiped sweet.

“Hey, Daddy, that’s not very polite,” Sarah reprimands, turning back to her food.

“I was makin’ sure it wasn’t poisoned, mija, just like I’m going to make sure yours isn’t too,” he takes the same from her plate, and in retaliation, you reach over and grab a piece of bacon, splitting it in half and giving one to Sarah.

“Hey! I don’t have that much bacon, y’all have massive waffles.”

“Sharing is caring. That’s what you always say to me, Daddy.”

“Yeah, J, sharing is caring. Can’t give the lesson if you can’t follow it.” You playfully stick your tongue out and Sarah imitates it, too. Joel sighs and shakes his head, leaning back in the booth.

“Is the two of you teaming up on me gonna be a thing now?”

“Yeah,” you answer at the same time as Sarah, the three of you laughing with each other.

It was bold to come to a HomeGoods on a Sunday, all of the aisles packed with people browsing on this relaxing weekend, stowing away in the air conditioning before venturing to the other stores in the commons. Sarah grips your hand, poking around the shelves while Joel stands behind you, a hand on your waist to keep you close.

The aisle filled with sheet sets is finally discovered by the three of you, excusing yourselves to the center of the aisle past a few fellow shoppers, looking up and down before facing Joel.

“Alright, your choice. Anything but plain ol’ navy, please.”

Joel’s eyes follow the same path that yours had, combing over the options before shrugging and staring down at you again.

“You choose for me.”

“Okay, that is not the point, it is still your room and your house.”

“I made choices for your room for you, sweetheart, you choose for me now,” his timbre rings in your ears as he presses his lips into the side of your head, fingertips rubbing circles in your lower back. Sarah wanders off down the aisle and Joel calls out a warning to stay where he can see her, waiting for you as you peruse the options. After some consideration, you select a thin pinstriped set and a plain white one, holding the sets against your chest.

“What d’ya think of these? Like either of ‘em?” Joel checks them out, shrugging and smiling.

“Both look great to me. You wanna look at anything else, mi amor?” He leads you out of the aisle, taking the sets and holding them under his arm. Pursuing the store, the three of you weave around aisles, checking out some other things. Sarah excitedly runs ahead to explore the kids’ section, drawn in by glitter, sequins, and bright colors. Joel takes your hand with his open one, nodding to some furniture on display.

“D’you like any of that?” You hum, turning your attention to him when you hear his question, following his gaze to the mix of pieces. Shrugging, you squeeze his hand and grab his bicep with your opposite one.

“The chair’s nice. Personally, I prefer my handcrafted, artisan bookshelf though.”

Joel scoffs and laughs a bit at your descriptors, “M’glad to hear that, the amount of splinters I got for that thing was brutal.”

“There’s literally blood, sweat, and tears put into it then,” you tease, continuing to scan over the goods, “None of this compares to a Joel Miller original.”

“I mean, thank you, sweetheart, but I do want you to feel at home with us. I’d get whatever you liked—well, maybe not something I could make 'cause it’s less expensive for me to just do it, but I want you to have a hand in our home. Make it as much of your space as it is ours.”

“I do feel at home with you both cause it’s the two of you. I mean, I didn’t really feel completely at home until I was at your place. The drawing from Sarah and Flopsy and the fact that you built my studio for me made me feel so much more comfortable, but it was like something really settled when I saw you.” 

“Y’know, I like having little reminders of you every day, darlin’. Bedsheets, stolen bites of waffle, the stuffed animals on Sarah’s bed, my watch from you,” he lifts his left wrist to show off the round face with the army green band, kissing your cheek, “And I want whatever you are willing to give me, even if it is just those tiny moments. I would be content with that for the summer; no matter where you decide to end up, I’d cherish all the small things with you.”

Looking up at him, you give his hand a gentle squeeze, “Think we both know what I’m gonna decide, J.”

taglist: @beskarandblasters @undrthelights @swiftispunk @joelsversion @asirenbyanyothername @ellenmunn @ja-ehyun @sw33tp1xie @marisemonteiroo @brunetteeras @beee-haw @jenna-mcgraw19 @whore-4-pedro @katifefe @joelmillerswifu @itsgiorgiaz @soph55 @wild-hearts-runfree @youcancallmeelle @jupitren @starkovli @thatgeminigirlx @livingdeadmaria @bunnyskisses @houseofballoonsth @casual-obsessions @pedro-pascal-lvr @bimbodolls-world @burningnerdchild @tuquoquebrute @mrsvedder12 @estelivi28 @bongsrconfusing @addictedtotlou @angie2274 @pedrostories @pedroholicx @theelishad @johnwatsn @elissaaa @felicityofbakerstreet @atinylittlepain @northernbluess @cannolighost

[novelmonger]

1-6, 9, 12, 16-19, and 23 for the Rocky Road asks, please?

A book you regretted reading

The Color Purple by Alice Walker. Hated it, hated it, hated it. I honestly see no literary merit in it, and I probably shouldn't have finished it because of the kinds of invasive thoughts it was giving me, but it was for school, so I read the whole thing. I really should have asked the teacher if I could do a different book, but instead I just tried to get through it as quickly as possible. My biggest regret in regards to this book is that I asked my mom if I could burn it (she said no), instead of taking it and burning it on my own. I needed the catharsis.

2. A book you couldn’t finish

Most recently, They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera. If I'd taken five seconds to look at the tags on Goodreads, I would have realized it wasn't going to be the book for me, but alas. Instead I got invested in the characters and read until I couldn't kid myself anymore about the budding romance I didn't want to read, at which point I put the book down.

3. A concept or plot that you thought was squandered in a story

The Dragon's Legacy by Deborah A. Wolf is...not a great book. I could wax eloquent about all the problems I have with her dumb matriarchal desert society, but the biggest shame in that huge waste of time was a really cool idea about these people who have a telepathic bond with big cats. It was a really cool idea, especially when (if I'm remembering right) usually it's only women who can bond with them, but one of the main characters is a boy who manages it. The whole story could have been about that, and it would probably have been much more interesting than the big nothing of a story I slogged through instead that was apparently just setting up the next book.

4. An underutilized setting or world

I am on what is probably a lifelong quest in search of a well-written fantasy based on some Middle Eastern culture. It has to be written well, avoid egregious stereotypes, and capture in some way that particular old-meets-new feeling, that warmth and vitality and history and darkness and light, of the Middle East. All of which is apparently hard to do, because I keep on running into stories written by Westerners who don't seem to have done much research beyond watching Disney's Aladdin. Or it's ruined by an explicit sex scene on like page 5, because that has happened with alarming frequency too :/

5. A character you want to rescue from the story they’re in

I think Kaladin Stormblessed would really benefit from taking a vacation from the Stormlight Archive and getting some intensive therapy :P

6. An author you want to rescue from the story they told

I want to rescue Jack London from The Call of the Wild, which is the one story he's known for. Let's have the world forget about that story for a while and pay attention to the far superior White Fang instead.

9. A character type, plot, or element that you normally don’t like but did like because of the execution

This is probably not what the question is getting at, but it's the one example that's coming to mind right now: The Wheel of Time. There were a lot of characters I couldn't stand as written by Robert Jordan. Like...almost the entire female cast, for one. But then in the last three books, when Brandon Sanderson took over...suddenly I liked them! I ended up crying at the death of one of the characters that annoyed me the most! And that was entirely down to Brandon Sanderson knowing how to write distinct characterization that makes sense and makes you care.

12. A book on hold that you do mean to finish

One day, I will finish The Idiot by Fydoor Dostoevsky. I will! Let's just...ignore how I've been working on it for like half my life at this point >_>

16. A book you hold a grudge against (read or unread)

Fifty Shades of Grey. 'Nuff said.

17. A book that you were spoiled for

I will forever resent Pinterest for spoiling the "Honor is dead, but I'll see what I can do" moment from Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson.

18. A book where you like the adaptation or an element therein better than the book itself

The Maze Runner movies are vastly superior to the books, surprisingly. The movies actually tell a coherent story, all the characters are more believable and proactive, and while there's still some eyebrow-raising things about the plot, it's much more satisfying and compelling. The books are weird, man.

19. A book you don’t really like but have kept for other reasons 

I don't really like any of the Ender's Game series other than the first book, but the series should stay together, and I want Ender's Game on my shelf, so the rest of the series is there too :/

23. A highly-hated or derided book you love

I don't know exactly how hated/derided the Jedi Apprentice books are, but just about the only thing I ever hear anyone talking about in relation to them is getting angry at Qui-Gon for leaving Obi-Wan on Melida/Daan during the arc where Obi-Wan leaves the Jedi. Sorry, everyone can die mad about it, because I love that series anyway. Both of their actions make sense in context, mistakes are acknowledged and apologized for and forgiven, and I'll always have a soft spot for those books.

Rocky Read Asks

[expatesque]

Monthly Recap - Nov

Second round of this, under the cut

Read

Mansfield Park, Jane Austen - Do not recommend, was decent in the start but a slog by the end. Fanny is the most insipid protagonist I’ve come across in Jane by a mile, truly wishing her the worst.

Death in the Clouds, Agatha Christie - a top notch Poirot, very fun and twisty.

The absolute drama around Yellow Bittern has been so jokes, Vittles as ever had a great take

Ann Helen Peterson on how to show up for friends (meh, some interesting suggestions, very American oriented) and whether the kids are too soft (oriented towards journalism but a good question to be asking in any industry).

So much about the last 6 months of the economy (tuned out for my gardening leave, now have to catch up).

Watched

This month included Halloween so we had Practical Magic (an absolute must watch for the season for me), Beetlejuice (first time watching, more entertaining than I thought it would be), and I Married a Witch (the second you see Veronica Lake in this you understand why someone would risk their eternal soul and stay married to her)

A lot of West Wing - election season always gets me back to here, one of the best shows ever

Drop Dead Gorgeous - a fun one for a wine-filled night in with a friend

A hungover binge of Man on the Inside - sweet and cute and sad, especially if you know people who've had memory issues.

I am continuing to watch Charmed at night before bed, which is low stakes and amusing enough. Also watching Vampire Diaries, which is terrible but great fun mainly because I live text my reactions to my friend who’s already seen it while I watch, so it’s really half a friendship exercise.

Did

Attended: The ballet! Saw Encounters: Four Contemporary Ballets at the Royal Opera House which was largely eh but (1) the Royal Opera House is amazing, worth seeing anything there for the venue (and esp the bar), alone, and (2) the final piece, The Statement by Crystal Pite, was absolutely mind-blowing, one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time.

Went to three V&A Young Patrons things: Portrait Miniatures handling session (v cool), opening party for the Great Mughals (v fun), private viewing of the Great Mughals (v good, see below).

Learned to: Use hot rollers. Really recommend, they're a super easy way to look way more polished and genuinely take <10 min start to finish. I used this tutorial (and can confirm the volumizing spray she talks about is very good).

Made new friends!: Ana I think is going to be a good one, maybe Parker too. And Beatrix is a perfect tennis friend, not sure if we'll graduate beyond that.

Revarnished my outdoor furniture: trying to help it survive this winter better than last.

A lot of soaking in oxygen bleach of towels, tea towels, stained shirts, etc: getting things into shape for when I go back to work.

Went to a Thursday singles event and went on a date off the back of that: event was scary and kinda meh but I met someone so, worth it.

Found someone to play tennis with during the week (and played twice outside of drills): a big accomplishment, she’s lovely and a good player and available the same kinds of times that I am. Jackpot.

Last Month’s Goals

☑️Use all class pass classes: Actually had to buy more passes, did a lot of F45 and Qigong this month.

☑️Read a book: see Read section above.

☑️New Recipes x4: (1) Confit Chicken Legs - so good and how amazing that they keep for months, (2) Rick Bayless Slow cooker mole - a really good mole recipe (available on YouTube) with a huge amount of depth for (relatively) little work, (3) Brazilian Stroganoff - made this for the Brazilian GP (I try to make themed food for every GP) and it was decent but not my fav and I’m unlikely to make again, (4) Not proper recipes but did a lot of making my own condiments and syrups, e.g. rosemary simple syrup, pickled chillis, slow roasted cherry tomatoes.

☑️Go to a new museum: The Wallace Collection, can’t believe I haven’t been before, it’s free and lovely. The Swing is actually very cool in person, I hadn’t realized how small it is. And the recently completed conservation is wonderful, the colors are really stunning. There’s also a nice cafe. Recommend!

☑️☑️Go to an Exhibition (x2): The Great Mughals at the V&A (very interesting, lots of little details, was glad to go to private viewing with two of the curators as that added a lot), Silk Roads at the BM (incredibly good but also incredibly packed. Try to go first thing in the morning). Note: This one means a major exhibition at a museum I’ve been to before.

☑️Go to the theater: See above, Did section.

🟧Crochet: Making progress, still want to get better about doing this more regularly at night.

❌Write More: Total fail here, need to reconsider how to prioritize this and figure out what the main blockages are.

❌Lay morning foundation: Also total fail on this, probably should reconsider what's realistic for these colder months.

☑️Budget: Barely, was tougher this month. I'm ready to have income coming back in.

🟧Memorize a poem (x2): okay really this is a fail but I had to memorize a rap for Russian class so I'm counting that as a half tick.

☑️Russian flashcards: This is going better and my vocab is improving.

🟧Screen time: Better but still not good. May need to think about how to cycle this through the week / month vs blanket bans/reductions.

🟧Job prep: Unlikely to have any interviews until Jan so this has slowed down but is in progress.

Next Month’s

Carrying Over

Use all class pass passes (I expect to use less because I got home for Xmas midway through the period)

Four two new recipes (shrinking this as I will be doing less regular cooking and more holiday cooking)

Read a book

Visit a new musuem

Go to an exhibition

Go to a show (off for this month, busy start to the month and then I’ll be home)

Crochet

Write more

Morning foundation

Budget

Memorize a poem

Russian flashcards

Screentime

Job/interview prep

New

Quality time with people at home (grandmama, gran and pa, Jack, parents, Grace, Anna, M&M)

[charrfie]

Ok, still salty over Two Realms (it SUCKED) so gotta ask you, how would YOU have done a third drawn to life game (I've kinda wanted one with wilfre seemingly being the antagonist at first before him either being dethroned or he was actually trying to help and fumbling it BADLY)

Ohhh I'm just so excited that people are so interested in my thoughts to the point I keep getting asks related to the topic!!!!! ^_^ Thank you it's very exciting to be able to talk to everyone like this. I don't often publicly interact with the fandom because of some bad experiences I've had in it some years ago but it seems like the environment of it has changed a lot... maybe I should be more vocal about my interest in the series? Everyone who's being so nice about it has been such a big help. That's unrelated to your question, I just wanted to express appreciation!

Now, to actually answer you lol.. I put this under a read more again since it's a little lengthy, but not NEARLY as long as my previous ask

-

Fellow two realms hater 🤝 It was just such a letdown idk where I would even start. The glaringly obvious answer is the actual gameplay itself what with the level design/lack of stylus being how it was but I think my personal biggest problem was the story itself. It seemed to retcon or at least gloss over a lot of the plot from previous games which not only felt clunky but overall lowered the stakes to such a degree... it made me not care about the character drama nearly as much. Which is such a shame! Drawn to life and drawn to life: the next chapter are genuinely my #1 most favorite video games to ever exist. I mean this with no exaggeration. Even if they're kind of bad. Lol. But!!! The potential that the story and characters have in the original two games completely reels me back in!!! There's SO much there, even if it's not put together with the most grace. The subject matter is so serious and something so rarely talked about, ESPECIALLY for the age demographic it was aimed towards. These characters feel so real!!! So fleshed out!!!! It's endlessly compelling!!!!!!!!

All this being said, I think what I would do is make dtl:tr a lot more character/story driven since thats such a major appeal for me in previous entries. While it's even more evident in two realms, both dtl and dtl:tnc do have levels that tend to be a big of a slog to get through in comparison to the 10 seconds of story the player might get as a reward; there would need to be more balance.

As for what this story would actually contain.... I'm a little conflicted. While I'm not the biggest fan of aldark as a villain (he kind of came out of nowhere just to fill a necessary role of "evil"), I *do* like the idea of wilfre being replaced rather than coming back again, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY like the concept of the shadow that controlled wilfre garnering the strength to present itself as a physical manifestation rather than a conduit. I don't even mind if it functions as a solely evil entity! There's something to be said for that just as there's something to be said for wilfre being more morally gray anti-hero than pointlessly evil villain. I'd love to do something in this vein, though probably leave the human world out of it? Or at least keep it very vague. The raposa world gives us as the viewers enough plausible deniability to accept ridiculous/strange events without question.... it's only because the human world is so painfully realistic that the ending of dtl:tnc has the effect it does. So needless to say that's a no on keeping it as the main storyline.

I really like your idea of wilfre trying to help and then fumbling. That's similar to what I wished for when two realms was first announced actually! I sooooo badly wanted to see him trying and failing to adjust to normalcy again post him being freed of the shadow's influence, which I talked about VERY briefly here following the games announcement. I'd love to see him trying to make amends with those he had hurt (a la "ice king apology tour" from the marcy & simon comics), rediscovering who he even is as an individual again, or parsing through what his relationship with the creator has become. It opens up for some pretty interesting conversations. Especially considering how much shit other raposa might give him when he fails to help in the way they expect him to. At the same time, I'd love to get some more dialogue on where jowee and mari are at in their lives. How mari handles leadership (as she actively struggled with it in dtl and dtl:tnc), if jowee has allowed himself to exist outside of the scope of others and their judgement/expectations, etc. The fact that those two get married at the end of two realms threw me for such a loop.... because even when nothing was actively threatening them in dtl:tr they still bickered so much? I'd really like to delve into how people can naturally grow apart as they age and come to understand they may not be right for those they grew up with, as painful as that realization may be. A remake of two realms could also be a cool way of having circi introduced into official canon since she's way too interesting of a character to be constainte to the non-canon wii game.

These are all the story changes I know for a fact I'd like. But it's hard to say definitively what the plot would be other than designating an antagonist concept and the general themes which would be at play. I'm not quite sure what or how a manifested shadow antagonist would again threaten the safety of the raposa world! I figure any retconning necessary for the raposa world to even exist in the first place could be as simple as "oh I knew we could trust the creator to establish a new world for us," which would also heavily contribute to wilfre's character struggles in a very interesting way. So that's not too big of a problem. Drawn to life has bullshitted more complicated things away than just that. I'll have to keep thinking! Maybe I can work up a proper dtl:tr rewritten au alongside the other two aus I have.

I'd love to hear other thoughts about a potential remake of two realms if anyone has them!

[wintersoulwitch]

Stage/Fright second viewing - changes/things I noticed

Right finally home after that epic cross-country slog via National Express! Currently feeling like I never want to leave my house ever again... but we all know I'm checking the box office website every day in case another decently priced Saturday ticket appears... And now thinking that other events (eg BFI screenings) that I'd previously written off as impossible are more attainable than I'd thought.

Anyway, enough about me. You're here for Stage/Fright deets.

This time I was in the Grand Circle, so way up at the top. I was able to see the whole stage at once, unlike during my first viewing. And I could see that there were bronze hare ears poking up from one of the boxes!

The violinists were in matching sequined gowns - they looked sort of plum-coloured? And when they played the intro to act 1, there were shadows projected onto the red theatre curtain, like the chair with restraints that is used in act 2.

This time I noticed that Toby (Reece's understudy) came on stage first, then left and was replaced by Reece. That totally passed me by during my first watch, and I think it was because I was just so excited to recognise/realise that they were doing the "theatre audience" material, and then once Reece was in front of me my brain short-circuited and wiped all thoughts apart from "omg he's so beautiful."

I don't know if this is a change, or if I wasn't able to see them clearly last time, but I noticed spotlights being used to highlight people at various points. Like, when R&S did their opening talk to the audience after the intro there was a large spotlight on the both of them when they were centre stage, and it split into two smaller separate follow spots when they moved apart.

I spotted a couple of differences/tweaks in the BCDR/Kidnappers section in the first half - I'll do a separate post about that.

During the Elements Song this time I saw that different jars and bottles on the shelves lit up as Reece pointed at them: "And iodine 💡 and thorium 💡 and thulium 💡and thallium 💡"

They've changed the wheelchair that Reece uses in Act 2. During the first night preview (which I didn't attend), Reece was brought on to the stage and then restrained in the chair. In the show I saw last week, he was already in the wheelchair, and it was this big wooden thing. This time, it's a smaller and simpler metal wheelchair. And it makes the leg-cutting illusion look better, honestly! Much harder to see where Reece might be hiding his real leg.

They’ve changed the script a bit at the end before the final song and dance number - now instead of the bus joke, Reece hurries Steve off stage and says "you’ve got a really quick change." And then walks to the front of the stage, picks up the fallen light that "killed" Steve and says "it’s time for some light entertainment."

And some stuff that people asked me to keep an eye out for... R&S touching each other. They don’t touch in the opening section, and then in BCDR it’s just when Len smacks Tommy on the arse (and Tommy goes "ooh hoo!" and does a little jump). The most touching is during the bit in the 2nd act when Steve breaks character and hugs Reece. The hug goes on for a while and when Steve pulls back he leaves his hand on Reece’s chest/holding on to the cardigan Reece is wearing for a moment like he doesn’t want to let go. During the song and dance at the end, at the bit where he jokes "Reece Shearsmith stole my diary," Steve does put his hand on Reece’s shoulder/back of neck in that way he does. And then during the final curtain call they hold hands before the bow. Just R&S at first, then they hold hands with the rest of the cast.

Oh and after Reece says "maybe every ghost story is really just a love story" and there's that long pause... they are staring into each others' eyes the whole time. And the carnations... There's been a change! During the final song and dance the men have different flowers in their buttonholes. They were definitely carnations the first time I saw them - and I assume real ones otherwise they wouldn’t have changed them - but the flowers this time were more like floofy white puffs of silk in a flower shape.

I also wanted to note that they seemed much more comfortable with the song and dance routine this time. They weren't awkward before by any means, but they've definitely relaxed into it and really seem to be having fun. I think giving Steve a bit more time to change has helped (the first time I saw them, Steve's shirt front rolled up a bit to show his black top underneath). We all know Reece is a mover (he could have won Strictly, you know! And not just as the comedy one!) and it was super lovely to see him getting into it and doing all his little leg kicks and hand waves. He really seemed to be enjoying himself.

Finally at the very end, when they do the final "laughter is my memory of you" they now start off like they're going to point at each other, then pause and spin to the audience instead. Which is a really nice touch!

[dailyadventureprompts]

Drafting the Adventure: Wilderness and Exploration

For a game with exploration as one of it’s “core pillars”, d&d is kinda shit at producing gameplay conducive to actually making players feel like they’re exploring.If you play it by the book travelling from point A to B often feels like a slog, and a good number of groups are completely justified in skipping it entirely and just getting to the good bits. I think the problem largely stems from trying to cram the hexcrawl/westmarches style of gameplay from d&d’s heyday into the central gameplay loop when really it should be the focus of very particular kinds of adventure. Think of a big exploration adventure the same way you’d run a heist or murder mystery, usually a one off unless you’re running a specialized campaign. 

With that said, the base rules for hanging out in the wilderness are IMO in massive need of an overhaul, so we might as well overhaul those along with setting up a good guidelines for running an exploration based adventure. Before we dive under the hood and get into all those storybuilding steps and mechanics, lets look at how my system works from the players’ perspective: 

In lieu of any urgent quests or fantastic job offers, a group of adventurers decide they’re going to explore the wilderness outside their settlement and look for some opportunities. 

One character chats up the locals, hearing rumours of what might be going on outside the walls. The second does some research on the area and finds a few trustworthy maps to copy. Another checks the local bountyboard for outlaws and monsters it might pay to hunt down. 

The party sets out, and the DM asks the party which player wants to be the group’s surveyor: keeping a list of what places the party has visited, what options are available to them, and what might need a bit more exploration. 

The DM has divided the area they’re exploring into zones with names like “The forbidden peaks” or “ The merry meadows” which gives each area a strong geographic identity and makes it easy for the party to remember and gives them an idea of what to expect. 

Every time the party walks into a new zone, they learn the area’s name, and how many “points of interest” are in that region. A point of interest could be anything from a unique environmental detail to the lead in to an encounter to a monster lair to the entrance to a whole dungeon. The surveyor keeps track of these points of interest, making space to write in whatever details they think are relevant. 

Likewise upon entering into a new zone, the party are made aware of “landmarks” striking points of interest that are obvious to the naked eye and don’t need to be searched for. Because this group prepared before they left, they’ll likely have learned of a few more points of interest in the region based off the information they gathered. 

When the party have fully explored a point of interest, the DM tells the surveyor to check off the name of that location, indicating that it’s safe and that the party can turn their attention elsewhere

When deciding where to go next, the party has two options:  Set out for a specific area (one they know about or have visited before) or to Wander, poking around till they find a location they didn’t know about previously. The DM may ask for checks while the party is traveling based on the difficulty of reaching the point of interest or the particulars of the zone they’re travelling through. 

Because the DM has been upfront with how many points of interest are in the zone, the party have an understandable goal of filling in a list and checking off each location. This feels like actual exploration because the party is actually making the decision of where to go and how deep to search, combining those key elements of choice and discovery that make setting out into the unknown so rewarding. 

Below the cut I’m going to go into detail about how to BUILD an exploration adventure, everything from designing goals to fit your narrative needs to choosing what kind of points of interest to seed into the world .

First step: Setting Bounderies 

When preparing a wilderness adventure, you’re going to settle on an area that the party is exploring and why: are they low level nobodies knocking about the countryside surrounding the starting village till the call to adventure finds them? Are they high level heroes looking to comb a vast wasteland for the location of a forgotten temple? Are they desperate survivors battling the elements as they attempt to find a pass through the deep wilderness? Obviously these will set the scale and tone of your adventure, but they’ll also help you define your boundaries: are your party moving towards a specific goal, or are they fucking around? Are they able to return to the comforts of civilization on the regular, or are they on their own? Is their exploration more of a self driven sandbox, or are they trying to find a route to a particular destination fellowship style. 

Perhaps most importantly you need to ask: SHOULD this adventure be exploration focused? These sorts of adventures are a lot of work and if the party is only going to go through this region once you might be better served by just planning some encounters and pantomiming the idea of exploration in your narration. 

Second step: Zoning it out

Now that you’ve settled on your region, you’re going to start cutting it up into Zones, large areas with a distinct geographic identity that will stick in your party’s mind: the area around a village might be divided by its cardinal points into fields, swamp, forest, and hills, able to be explored in any order, where as an attempt to cross the mountains might be separated into a sequence of 1) foothills 2) a choice between peaks OR caverns 3) river 4) lake. Obviously you’ll give each zone a striking name as you develop its theme that will help reinforce its identity by the time you present this to the party. I’d recommend three to six zones, as any more than that it gets hard to differentiate them from eachother. 

Third step: Making lists

Now comes the fun part in designing your points of interest. I’ve found this is a two part process of brainstorming physical locations within each zone and determining what sort of encounters might happen there, though often times the latter comes before the former. It’s important to remember that an encounter is more than a fight, and fights are more than just face to face combat.  Here’s some ideas to get your brainstorming started:

Generally you’ll want atleast four and a maximum of twelve points of interest per zone ( though I tend to default to six) this is not only to prevent you from having to make too much content, but also to be able to use a die to determine what random point of interest the party finds when wandering. Every 2 locations they check off your list, decrease the die size.

Between landmarks and information that a party can gather through rumour/studying maps, I’d advise having no more than half your Zone’s content discoverable before the party actually starts wandering. This is to preserve the sense of the unknown which is vital to feeling like exploration means something.

Landmarks are like billboards drawing your party to particular content, ranging from natural features like hills or rivers to ruins or statues. Use them to deliver details the party should know about the zone early.

Trails or other signs of habitation are your friend, as they allow you to tease what an encounter MIGHT be without giving things away immediately; bandit ambushes, lost travellers, local wildlife, all of these could be at the end of a trail, but it’s far easier for you to bait the party with their own curiosity than come with an obvious “this place looks like a trap, do you want to step in it?”

When it actually comes to combat encounters, I’d advise balancing how challenging the encounter is with how much forewarning the party has. Ambushes they walk right into should be easy or very easy, while medium and hard encounters should either be opt in ( seeking out a beast in its lair) or avoidable ( hiding while the chimera circles overhead)

Points of interest can have many things to discover within them, such as frontier settlements, or Structures and Caverns which can be run as small dungeons.

Some locations may act as gateways into different zones. This is particularly useful for overland travel adventures where the party has to find the right point of interest to lead them on to the next phase of their journey. 

For longer explorations it’s a good idea to include “safeholds”, places the party can use as a campsite rather than roughing it in the wilderness an being exposed to the elements or the threat of random encounters.

Puzzles and scavenger hunts are amazing activities at points of interest, especially if the party needs to go somewhere else in the zone/area to solve them.

Need to express that one particular point of interest ( or perhaps a whole zone) is difficult to traverse? Have the party roll con saves to avoid exhaustion/survival checks to find a better route. You can likewise do this with stealth checks to avoid the patrol routes of enemies or the hunting grounds of vicious predators.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

uhm hi Mr. S can you do one like you did with Evanstan but it’s with them comforting a ftm guy? I adore your work and want to get a tattoo of some of your excerpts when i have the funds for it ❤️❤️❤️

related to this, maybe? I'm not totally sure

For reference, my ask box is no longer open for requests, but this is from before I closed it, so I will be writing for this ask.

First, hi, you're so sweet, and while it's my impulse to be like, don't do that-! My words aren't good enough for that! It is also your choice, haha. I would be interested to know what words those are 👀 I feel like all I write is silly, kinky smut, lol.

Second, being not trans myself, I'm a little hesitant to write trans characters because it's not my experience and especially with comfort for dysphoria because I worry I'll be patronizing without realizing/call more attention to something that makes someone feel worse instead of better, but, I'll try. Especially 'cause I am a big believer in the idea that if you're a writer and you flat out can't even approach writing a whole swath of people then... you're a poor writer. If you're a man writing and you can't write a woman or a nonbindary person; if you're a straight writer and you can't write a queer character; if you're a cis writer and you can't write a trans character. Like, take in research and try and see the person for being a person with universal experiences. So, if there's anything shaky in here, I apologize in advance. I'm trying!

You're dragging yourself through what feels like mud--thick and heavy--instead of air as you climb out of your car and accidentally slam the door behind you, swaying ever so slightly on your feet.

You're so fucking exhausted that you don't even realize the weight you've thrown behind the reckless, automatic movement to close the car behind you until the sound hits your ears painfully. You wince. It's too fucking loud. It's too bright outside, too. Shit, everything is too much, and you don't want a piece of it--of anything.

The only thing you want to do is nothing. You just want to lay face down on the floor and sink into the foundation of the house, fuck it, you want to go deeper than that. Forget the cold concrete, you want to retire to the earth itself with heavy, cold dirt compacted on top of you, weighing down on all sides until it doesn't matter if your flesh and bones or just bones or nothing at all.

You don't want anything at all. You're exhausted by everything. Every moment, every interaction all day at work has just been wrong. You're just fucking sick of shit. Sick of being on the phone and having people mistake you for someone you're not. Sick of co-workers tip-toeing around you and being grandly and overly apologetic. Sick of delivery people and interns and other strangers around the office making assumptions.

The entire drive home, you've tried to put it all out of your mind. Reminding yourself that at least you don't have to deal with those fucking people at home. At least, at home, you can be. Just be. But... It's hard enough to turn your work brain off as is on good days, let alone bad days where your dysphoria eats you alive--gnashing teeth inside you and hungry, teethed mouths from the outside.

It's too much.

It feels like an impossible task to slog through the mud pulling at you to get from the driver's seat of your car to your front door. As relieving as it is to see your house, your home, it's rough to get inside.

You're saved from slamming the front door by tired limbs, at least. Heavy and tired, the best you can do is use your own body to press back against the inside of the door, shouldering it closed. In a few steps, barely making it to the mouth of the entryway, then, you flatten your back to the wall and sliding down to the floor as limp as a sheet of paper floating down from where it was pushed off the edge of a desk. You fall to sit on the floor without a hint of a fuck if you're getting dirt on your ass or not, next to the shoe wrack. And, for the first time all day, you breathe out, lungs deflating with a defeated rasp.

So caught up in your tangle of teeth and hollowness and heaviness, you don't even process the sound of the TV, turned on in the living room to your right, or the muffled foot falls of one of your boyfriends to the left.

And before either boyfriend even has a chance to know what's wrong or observe that there is anything wrong in the first place--

Sebastian's head turns from where he was just facing the flat-screen TV, "hey, look what the cat dragged in," he smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling but not looking too carefully at you, keeping one eye on whatever show he's devouring.

Chris, then, appears from other side of the house, not with Sebastian chilling in the living room, catching up on TV, but about there, coming back from the kitchen, probably dumping off a drained beer bottle to the recycling. He, too, smiles at you, "hey, handsome," he thoughtlessly murmurs, going just a tiny, little ways out of his path to lean down, squeeze you with a big, burly arm around your shoulders and kiss the top of your head.

Any energy that you might normally have to poke fun back, making some comment about pussy cats or Seb's allergy to them just isn't there.

Barely, you keep yourself from further crumbling under the compliment and kiss. You're pretty crumbled as is with your back against the wall, spine curved, knees to your chest, arms crossed over your legs, wanting to crush into a ball. But... being wilted in such a way just makes everything worse. You let your arms drop from being folded over your knees. Ugh. Fuck this. You can hardly breathe with your arms squeezed into your sides, feeling your own body from your armpits, your ribs, all the way down your sides toward your hips. Fuck this.

'Handsome' coming out of Chris' mouth is the best thing you've heard all day, yet, at the same time... it feels too good to be true. If everyone on the phone and at work and strangers in your office and people on the street and everyone everywhere all the fucking time can't see you for who you're fucking supposed to be then... how do they? What if they're humoring you? What if they don't actually think that? What if--

Chris' hand is warm and heavy, solid, on your shoulder, traveling around to massage your neck, tapping at the top bone that portrudes from your neck when you hang your head. The heat of his body blazes through you as he squeezes the muscles there, lowering his voice to a quiet rumble and saying your name, your name, with enough twang for it to be a question.

He wants to know what's going on with you. He can probably guess, if he tried, but you know he wants to hear it from you. He wants to help. He's always so kind and generous and--

You can't assume anything bad of a man like him. He's geniune. Always so genuine. Open and honest. Still, you can't gather enough spirit to even lift your head. Shits fucking tough. It's just a bad day. You'd rather go to bed and try again later.

Yet, beyond the dark cavern you've made, your chin tucked, legs bunched to your chest, uncomfortable and also all you can bear to do, you hear the sounds of the sofa springs complaining as Seb extracts himself from the cozy furniture. The couch wishes he wouldn't, and you don't blame it. You too, find it terrible when Sebastian's all tucked into you and decides to move. He's the best. Kind and generous and sweet.

"Babe?" Seb asks, his careful probe directed toward you, Chris, or both. "Oh," he murmurs, probably spotting the both of you--you, crumbled, and Chris crouched and huddled in close, his hands on your neck and back, your shoulders, grounding you to this moment. "Long day?" The sound of Sebastian comes closer.

"You could say that," your voice draws up dry as if a rickety bucket pulled from a well on a spindly, fraying rope. There's no water at the bottom. Just. Empty and rough.

Chris huffs in amusement at your reply but stays close, knowing you're dead serious despite the layer of sarcasm coating your unenthusiastic words.

"Something in particular or, just, all of it?" Sebastian, again, sounds closer, drawn in by a rope. You're both grateful for it and a little worse off, drawing him in like this. In the same way that you spiral thinking that maybe they see you the same wrong way everyone else sees you, you can easily go off the deep end feeling as though you're being a burden. It takes effort to recall all the times they've assured you of the opposite. You're not sure you have the energy now.

Today.

"Ugh," you groan, feeling goosebumps lift on your skin, across your whole damn body thinking about it--feeling the toll of your whole day and the friction between you and everything else within it, "every minute of it."

"Anything we can do?" Chris asks, scooting closer, getting comfortable. He would stay here for the rest of the night if you wanted him to. Sebastian, too. They're both so good. Good to you.

"I don't know," you say, even while shaking your head no. It's hard, just, it's you. It's something that they can't reach inside you and touch--not something they can tinker with and fix. Unfortunately.

It's a pit in the center of your chest that's dark and hollow yet heavy, and it runs veins down your entire body, entangling you with knotted lines of thread, dragging you down like a deep sea fishing net. As nice as it is when they do offer you obvious reassurance and say how handsome you are and how strong you are and nonverbally feather their fingertips over your jaw or shoulders to show you how much they happen to love the body you, on your worst days, hate and feel completely alien from, or when they ask to borrow your cologne 'cause it smells nice or when they share clothes with you or anything else that's overt that reminds you you're an inarguable man to them, and a desirable man at that, sometimes... it can also get to be too much.

Sometimes, it reverts back in your head. Too much of a good thing? Like. It becomes--it becomes... it... it's something else. It's hard to even describe. They know that, which is why Chris is asking now. Sometimes exactly what you need is to be told you're strong and handsome and everything of the sort. And, sometimes, it's a call out that brings attention to how fragile you already feel. It can be everything you want, a barrage in the best way, or it can be your worst enemy. Though, when they ask when you can't handle all the compliments, your brain contorting them into something backward and demeaning--even though that's not true and you know that--it makes you feel that much more defeated.

It makes you feel more defeated now.

It fucking sucks that they can't help.

You would prefer if you could take it, if they could just say two things each and your day would be more normal, but...

That's not it. Not every day.

Today is a slog.

"What about..." Sebastian starts, trying to think of something to offer while Chris jumps in--

"Sweat it out?"

"Chris!" Seb squawks.

"What?" Chris asks, probably turning around to look up at him.

"Down boy," Seb huffs out a gentle, slightly scandalized laugh. You can picture him shaking his head, burying his face in his hands, even though you're not looking at him.

That makes Chris snort, catching the accidental innuendo he said now that it's been called out. He pats your knee apologetically, "I promise I meant the gym," he pauses, "unless-?"

With half a laugh stuck halfway up your throat, you manage a parroted, "down boy." Locker rooms, sweating from every place, being surrounded by mirrors that show your every angle, and a whole fuck ton of other men surrounding you, probably cis men, tricking you into comparing yourself to them, sounds like your personal version of the ninth circle of hell right about now. Thee worst thing. You know Chris genuinely enjoys working out--it makes him feel good, it makes him feel strong, it makes him feel like a man--so it's sweet of him to offer. But. Not today.

"Woof woof," Chris answers you and Sebastian, all that good, Boston-boy sincerity and goofiness.

"Hmm," Seb thinks out loud, "how about Chris skips the gym, and you two watch TV with me instead? I'm basically done with the episode I'm watching anyway. We can start something fresh. We'll get pj's and throw the couch blankets in the dryer to warm up and settle in."

"Way to be transparent, Sebastian," Chris teases softly, "using his bad day as an excuse to hold us hostage until we're as stockholmed into your weird, scary documentaries as you are."

"Noooo," Seb whines.

You crack a half-smile.

"Uh-huh, sure, baby," Chris quips, "we got your number, don't we, babe?" Chris drums his piano-playing fingers on your knee.

Their back-and-forth fills the space, pleasant, familiar, and boisterous, and shakes loose an agreeing, "yup" from within your chest. You don't feel quite so choked now. Its easier with them. It always is. They can't fix everything but they make it all seem less fucking tiring.

"See? He's on my side. Two against one, Seb." You can hear Chris' bearded smile.

You don't need to look up to know that Seb has a light blush staining his face or to know that his mouth is hanging open slightly. Just thinking about it pulls a chuckle out of you. They're idiots. But, your idiots who've offered to keep you company.

Now and always.

You'd be an idiot to not take them up on it.

"Okay," you sigh, not because you're put out, but because your shit, unfitting day of no one recognizing you is slowly cracking and peeling off from the inside of your too-tight body. "TV and blankets," you're distracted enough by Sebastian's suggestion and the opportunity to pull Seb's head into your lap to massage his scalp until he all but purrs like a kitten while Chris' head ends up on your shoulder, half on your chest, making you feel big and protective, that your traitorous mind doesn't remember to feel fragile or little while Chris grabs your hand to pull you to your feet. You know it's not because he thinks you can't do it yourself. It's because he cares for you. You. He sees you. He looks at you and sees you. Just--

"No disturbing documentaries at least three hours before bed but up until then..."

"Fair game?" Seb tilts his head to the side, eyes sparkling with mischief.

"Fair game," you agree. "Just none later, you can't go giving Chris nightmares again." You feel good enough to join in with their good-natured teasing.

"That was one time!" Chris whines, clutching onto your hand as if pleading with you to let it go.

"One time too many, scaredy-cat," Sebastian rolls his eyes.

Chris sticks his tongue out because he's an actual man-child. But, he's distracted easily, saying, "so... if we're cuddling and spending the rest of the night on the couch, no workouts, then... snacks?"

That makes you laugh, "snacks," you nod, "fuck it, you might as well call it a cheat day, break out the jellybeans, too."

"Jellybeans?" Seb stops in his tracks from where he was heading to the bedroom, walking away, "we have jellybeans, and no one thought to tell me?"

"I thought you'd know by now 'cause this guy--" you shove Chris softly, stumbling towards the bedroom and comfortable clothes "--can't fucking live without 'em. He's half candy, don't you know?"

"That's true," Seb agrees in the same moment that Chris retorts--

"It's just means I'm sweet."

"Shut up," you joke, light for what the first time since you rolled out of bed this morning.

I hope that was what you wanted! <3

[us3rnam3-r3dact3d]

sounds being the thing that darlin thinks is the worst part of their job and it being one of the only things that they can't physically get rid of it crazy work but also so incredibly real. I feel like whenever you ask a professional what the worst/best part of their job is its always so specific, and most of the time it's something that you wouldn't have thought of in the first place. I think most of us haven't been in a blazing fire before so it would be hard to imagine what that would feel like, but the way you worded it immersed me immediately, because now that its written out, it feels so obvious that sound and heat are going to be the 2 most overwhelming things. now I wonder what everyone else's favorite/least favorite part of the job is.

locked in asher gotta be one of my favourite genders. especially since him and David have such big shoes to fill its always so refreshing to see him show off why he was chosen as second in command. you tell em bestie!!!!

you stay stressing me tf out MILO GET UP IM GOING TO SCREAMMMM

and I looooooove darlin in this scene, BITCH THEY DONT THINK THEYRE INVINCIBLE!!!!! THEY HAVE NEVER THOUGHT THEY WERE INVINCIBLE!!!!!! THEY JUST HAVE AN OVERPOWERING URGE TO PROTECT THE ONES THEY LOVE AND IF THE COST/RISK IS THEIR LIFE THEYLL GIVE IT UP IM SICKKKKKKKK,,,,,,,augh,,,, and I'm glad David saw that. yes it was reckless but it was that or milos not getting out of there (him calling sweetheart's name,,,,, I'm going to cry)

and now you say that darlin and sam are going to KISS???? NEXT??? CHAPTER????? DO YOU WANT ME DEAD???????? im so prepared and ready and im going to be sooo normal about it

-🦀

I'm so glad you liked that description Crab Anon!! I do my best to utilize as many of the senses as I can when I'm writing and that detail seemed like such an important one to me. I think that Darlin' gets overstimulated easily. They're hyper vigilant thanks to their trauma and I think it makes them just Too Aware of their surroundings at all times. Loud noises don't make them jump, they make them tense up for a fight.

I love locked in Asher!! His vibes during the Summit were so delicious and I will insert Ash being large and in charge whenever I can.

He's fiiinnneeee he'll be finneeeeeeee........

They do not!! That misconception is part of what drives me a little crazy about the "Tank" persona. Idk I feel like the fandom has a misconception about the way they approach threats of danger. It's not that they think they're invincible, they've been hurt plenty of times to know better, but they for sure just do the dangerous thing anyway. I like that very much about them.

Milo calling Sweetheart's name was the first sentence for this chapter that I wrote and it really carried me through the rest of it. This chapter gave me some trouble TBH. I've got some very exciting ones coming up next and this one felt a touch like a slog to get through. I actually cut an entire extra chapter in which Darlin' took the test for their firefighter certification.

They are!! Be ready, it's going to be an awesome chapter!!! I've had the sequence where they kiss written for a few weeks now and I'm so excited to get to share it. More to come very soon!!

(Sneak peak for you, Crab Anon, y'all might be getting a one shot of Porter and Treasure in the Firefighter universe... Very Soon)

[smash-64]

2024 Game of the Year Countdown #6: The Legend of Heroes: Trails Through Daybreak Nintendo Switch, 2024

Big surprise, another Trails game! As we continue on this long Trails journey (2024 is the 20th anniversary of the long-running and continuous plot of the Trails universe), developer Nihon Falcom has continually adjusted to the evolving world of video games, and they have been successful in giving us fun JRPG experiences that feel familiar, but also bring something new to the table. Trails Through Daybreak, however, brings significantly more new things than any previous game.

First of all, Falcom introduced their new game engine, which was developed in-house. It’s not significantly different from what they used in Reverie, but it definitely brings a little more fluidity to movements and subtlety to the experience in a graphical sense. I gather that there must have been at least some level of difficulty that Falcom had when working with the past engine, as Reverie saw notable slowdown in areas with lots of activity, and few areas were very large. Daybreak, however, has a few downright massive areas that blew me away when I first started exploring. This new, in-house engine must have been a joy to work with for the developers because it seems like nothing was lost when it comes to how the game plays and runs.

Falcom also did a complete overhaul of the combat system and…it’s not my favorite. I got used to it, but I prefer the older style. Is it still turn based? Yes. Movement during turn-based combat is enhanced (as you couldn’t previously both move AND act unless you were attacking), and the game essentially forces you to engage with the action-rpg gameplay before initiating a regular, turn-based battle. The action gameplay is average at best, but I felt like it was mainly just button mashing for a few seconds until the enemy is stunned, which we could do with one well placed hit in previous games. It’s also kind of difficult to parse the turn order since they made a really weird display where icons slide toward the center. This kind of sucks because it’s not immediately apparent who is next, and I feel like the developers knew this since they added a separate button that numbers the icons. Why not just give us a single line like we’ve had since 2004? 

I’m a bit disappointed that this looks like the future for the series, since combat is so integral to the entire experience of a Trails game, but I do at least like that we can toggle the difficulty of the field battles separately from the regular combat. I turned the field battle difficulty down, since it was more of a slog, while keeping the regular combat on Hard. Like I said, I got used to the new style of the regular fights, but I just don’t prefer this field combat at all.

The fact that Trails is such a long-running series means that we are bound to have numerous returning characters in every game, and fans of the series love this aspect. It’s actually one of my favorite things about the franchise, so I was thrilled to see who was coming back and what sort of impact they’d have on the story. However, this aspect has also made it increasingly difficult for new fans to get into the series, and Daybreak does not exactly do anything to change this. While first introductions can seem surface level enough for new fans to not feel left out, it doesn’t take long for that feeling to go away. I can’t see how a new fan would be able to jump in and enjoy the game without peppering friends and forums for info about why Zin and Walter know each other, what all these past events in Erebonia and Crossbell were, and why Renne knows EVERYONE. I’m disappointed that they keep marketing these games as “great starting points” when they are very clearly only “the first game in a new arc of the ongoing story.” I know that we’re 11 games in now, but Falcom needs to keep that in mind when writing these stories if they want fans to be able to jump in late.

The new cast of characters didn’t immediately endear themselves to me, if I’m honest. Van feels kind of like Rean, since he’s a softy, but now he’s got a bit of sass. Agnes is not too different from Elie in the Crossbell arc. Feri feels like a slightly more focused CS1 Fie. I don’t find much interesting or redeeming about Aaron at all. Perhaps we’ve gotten to the point where there are just so many characters in the Trails universe that all the tropes have been used already and we’re bound to see recycled versions, Idk. I am significantly more interested in returning characters than any of the new ones.

Except for Judith Lanster, who has stolen my heart. 

She’s cute, capable, and her voice actress absolutely crushed it. Her and Walter’s VA, who is actually the original VA from Trails in the Sky SC on PSP, were standouts in this game.

Renne and Rixia are two fan favorite characters who return for Daybreak, but for being in the opening sequence, Rixia shows up all of one time in the first 75 hours of the game. And she was literally only hired muscle. Renne, on the other hand, shows up constantly, which I was pretty excited about. She’s my all time #2 favorite character, so I will always love to see her. However, like many others, I do kind of question her inclusion. It’s great to see her doing new things and generally enjoying herself, but I’m slightly annoyed that they decided to retroactively connect her to Van and give him a not-insignificant amount of credit for helping her between the stories of Sky the 3rd and Zero. In a way, this lessens the impact that Estelle, Joshua, and Tita had on her when she turned away from the Society. Perhaps not, and I’m just salty because my other two favorite characters have some thunder stolen from them both off-screen and retroactively. Idk. 

I’ve seen a few people claiming that having Renne around at all is weird because her story is done, which I disagree with wholeheartedly. If anything, having her around shows how far she’s come and how much she’s overcome. She hasn’t been broken by her past, stands strong in her new convictions, and she is thriving while making her own decisions. This is the sort of character other series would kill to have!

I would say, however, that the storytelling of Daybreak falters a bit when compared with past entries in the series. While we do, finally, have the inclusion of numerous actual deaths in the story, something fans have complained about for years since it definitely destroys any real tension or stakes when we already know no one is ever going to die, only one of the deaths even kind of impacts us as players or the team at large. A few deaths end up being important to team members, but it’s usually just the newest one, and since we’ve only just met them, we have yet to really understand them or empathize with their situation. Other deaths end up being completely inconsequential, and none happen directly to team members. A few times, I found myself saying, out loud, “Who cares?”

The thing that Trails in the Sky FC and Trails of Cold Steel 1 did well was use the entire first game to build a strong party and make them all important to us. When the grand finale came around, or sequel games for that matter, we were all invested and knew each character intimately. The big personal stories and emotional scenes actually hit us hard and we cared about them. Daybreak introduces characters and either tries to make us care about them too quickly, or completely forgoes any development for too long, which leads to many of the characters’ reactions feeling overblown or out of place. Yes, by the end of the game, it does feel like we truly have a tight-knit crew, and I hope that pays off in subsequent games, but it was a bit of a bumpy road to get there when compared with previous entries.

The game also keeps a lot from us and asks us to just accept it. Van turns into a black demon with big hair in the gosh darn PROLOGUE, and no one ever really questions it when it comes back at the finale of each chapter. At least Rean’s classmates were concerned when he kept activating Ogre Mode in Cold Steel. Everyone in Daybreak just kinda blinks and says “Well that was weird, but you kicked some ass, Van!” I guess the supernatural has graduated from being extraordinary to just a regular Tuesday in the Trails-verse.

Falcom is well known for consistently good video game music, and while Daybreak is adequate, I didn’t come across too many highlights. I can’t honestly name more than a few tracks that I’d go out of my way to listen to or add to playlists. The direction is also a bit off, with many tracks being replayed over and over again for scenes that call for different emotions. It was strange because I didn’t find many of the songs particularly versatile in that regard. This is a good soundtrack to play in the background while you’re doing other things, however.

The two tracks that really stood out to me were Diabolic Howl and Resonance of Ray. I generally like to listen to a soundtrack when I start playing a game, so I’ve heard all the tracks by the time I come across them in-game. Diabolic Howl very clearly brings back the melody of Fateful Confrontation, a Trails in the Sky battle track for when you fight Enforcers of Ouroboros. However, this track doesn’t play when you fight an Enforcer, so I’m left confused at the inclusion of the musical motif. And Resonance of Ray is honestly a fantastic tune, I just wonder why they chose it for the final dungeon and not the final battle, as I think it builds very nicely as a battle track. 

I know it sounds like I’m really ripping into this game, but I had a good time playing it. I did put 120 hours into it and it was essentially the only game I played for half of the summer. The ending did a great job of showing that the cast had grown close and meant a lot to each other, which was really satisfying. And I was thrilled to finally see Calvard, as well as the numerous returning characters. I hope that Daybreak 2 builds upon what they’ve established in this game. 

However, if you’ve never played a Trails game and are interested in starting the series, I have to recommend trying Trails in the Sky or Trails of Cold Steel instead. 

[bellaxgiornata]

Do you have any tips for people who really enjoy writing fanfiction but struggle to actually get themselves to write it? Like I love writing specific scenarios in my head (mainly because that’s what I really want to read but no one else has written that yet) but I struggle to actually just get the motivation to do it, so my ideas just stay in my brain as a “I want to write this” and then the interest dies off and it never gets written.

I completely understand this feeling so much. Before I started writing in the Daredevil fandom I often just daydreamed in-depth scenarios in my head. I usually wanted to write them into stories but then I just...never did it. Even though I have been writing different fanfics in different fandoms for a really long time, I more often than not just created up scenarios that lived in my head and then that was it because I never wrote them down. So nothing ever came of them and I was never able to share them with anyone. I could have written so many more things if I'd just sat down and tried.

(As always, I'm long winded so more below the cut 😅)

In all honesty when this happens, I think the best thing to do is just that. Just sit down in front of a blank document and free write whatever comes to you. Take the pressure off of yourself first and foremost, though--you don't have to share whatever comes out with anyone. Don't tell yourself that it has to be good, either. Have literally zero expectations for whatever ends up on the page. More often than not, that really helps the words start to flow. When you sit there and nitpick how you're starting a sentence or a scene or a word choice, that's when you start second guessing everything and that can often lead to thoughts like "I can't do this" or "no one will read this" or the classic "I suck at this" (which I still hear in my head some days). Ignore all that bullshit and just focus on whatever it is that's in your head--a conversation between some characters, maybe an entire scene you've had playing out in your mind, a fight scene, or whatever it is that you're currently excited about. Just sit down and try to get it out with no expectations. Because you can absolutely always come back to it and edit it up how you want after the fact and make it into a story or a one shot or whatever if you want, but the hardest part is just getting something out on a page.

But truthfully, the only way to write something is to make yourself sit down and do it. I don't know of any other tips to give besides that. Sure, you can make a playlist or a mood board for the vibe of a story or a character. You can make outlines of what you're seeing in your head that'll give you bullet points of what you picture happening. But really you just have to get excited enough about whatever it is that's on your mind and write it. And I think that's part of the beauty of writing fanfic when you do share it and people interact with it. The commentary and interaction from readers is what helps keep the excitement for a story alive for the writer, which then gives us that necessary motivation to keep coming back to work on a story. Because any writer will tell you that sitting down and getting the words out is hard. Some days it sucks and you have to slog through it to keep going, but that's just a part of the process. Over time it becomes a habit, though.

Hopefully any of that somewhat helped, but unfortunately there isn't some magic answer to make it easier to get started. Having other writers to talk to about your ideas really helps, too. Or just someone to talk with/at about whatever is on your mind. Breaking an entire fic idea into chunks chapter by chapter helps if you're making a big story, but just picking a starting point and writing it is your best bet. I actually first wrote the entirety of Marci and Fog's wedding for FFTD and then worked my way backwards afterwards to start that huge ass series. It all started with those two installments and the idea/scene in my head that I didn't get to until "The Breaking Point" far later. So you can absolutely just start with an idea and expand on it. But unfortunately, you kind of just have to force yourself to start somewhere 😅

[fandom-shitposter]

Why do we have to slog through 50 layers of heavily applied references in every current Star Wars show?

Because it's a smokescreen trying to make us dismiss the ones which point out the actual underlying story. Which is the exact same story we already know only from a slightly different angle and using clones and technology instead of Jedi since, you know, that's not really an option anymore

The story of a child living on a backwater planet who lives solely with their mother, a child who has an amazing talent for machinery and builds their own droid(s), who gets to run off with a bunch of men (their new 'family') for a far more exciting life which ultimately leads to devastation after they made some really bad life choices because they don't want to accept death as a factor of life

And yeah, I do realise how basically stripped down that description is

First we meet the small child, then we meet them again when they're older and getting all trained up (even if it is done as more of a Dooku/Ventress thing second time around)

And then they hit their final stage where they never ever take their helmet off until the very end of things, and neither of them are using their own speaking voice

Cue the supposed 'shock' ending and a bunch of Disney execs patting themselves on the back for no one seeing it coming

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Each OG role has been divided up between 2-3 current characters so Omega can help Mommy out by building a cyborg to mimic Anakin building C3PO but she hasn't had the opportunity or ability to do the equivalent of killing the Jedi in the temple, that part was farmed out to someone else regardless of whether they stated it on that specific show yet. It already happened and we saw it previously

Tech can stand in for Obi-Wan disliking her flying style, teaching her the skills she'll need to survive and dealing with her on an emotional level (with the assistance of the rest of the 'family' like the Jedi would have supported Anakin), but the big Anakin vs Obi-Wan fight at the end of season 1 was acted out by Hunter and Crosshair instead and since Echo already lost the appropriate number of limbs which that fight claimed before becoming a cyborg there was no need to repeat it

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Unfortunately they've spent so much time on cramming in the surface level references into all of these shows, bending existing characters into shapes that don't fit them (*cough* Ahsoka show *cough*), obscuring the details and dropping any inconvenient parts of former canon they don't like that it's all become a little bit overblown and boring.

The makers of Star Wars just can't get past the Anakin Skywalker story no matter how big the SWU is or how many far more interesting tales there are to tell in it. How many promising looking shows have been cancelled or lost to development hell to focus on this instead?

Just last year Dave Filoni claimed that Anakin was the best Jedi ever (or something like that) and we all laughed at him for it. So why did he claim it in the first place? Who was he trying to convince? Are we just supposed to watch these shows and decide that Disney are doing it better than Lucas ever could? Just what is the point here?

Apart from money, obviously