samiicree-blog1

[samiicree-blog1]

Love?

I said it and I meant it, and I was right. Still I wish I could take it back , because there's no way I can make it up to her, no way I can make her feel the warmth and happiness she felt walking into this room. Or the happiness she felt walking down the aisle on our wedding day. That day was the happiest day of our lives and I really loved her... Or so I thought. I had known Natalie our entire lives. So when we started dating it felt natural. Almost like breathing and then getting married had felt right too. I mean we grew up together. I knew everything about her so I felt that I had really fallen in love with the woman she had be come. So when we got married and moved to New York I never thought I would meet someone else that I felt was better. Until I met Brittany. Brittany was the polar opposite of Natalie. Brittany was loud where Natalie was quiet, outspoken and feisty where Natalie was timid and shy. I had only known Brittany 6 months but I felt like we had really known each other our whole lives. I had been planning to tell Natalie that I wanted a divorce once the lawyer had gotten back to me with the paperwork, but once she came here with her "good news" I couldn't hold back anymore.Â

"W-what did you just say?" Natalie asked. "I want a divorce, Natalie. I'm not happy anymore so I want a divorce." I respond. "Why!? I mean I know things have been rough but we will be fine now. This baby...Our baby will help us." She says. "I don't want this anymore." I say waving my hands between us. "I didn't want kids yet, Natalie. This baby isn't going to fix anything... Plus I have been seeing someone else." I sit back in my chair. "Who? Who is she?! You don't love her. I am the only person you could ever love! " Natalie almost screams. "Brittany from human resources. She isn't here so don't even think about going to find her. She went on vacation for two weeks." I say without looking at her. I don't feel like arguing over why I love Brittany. And for the first time since she went on vacation I am relieved that she is not here. "Look, Natalie, lets be adults about this. The paperwork is almost done. Just sign them and I will help you with whatever you decide to do with the baby. I just can't continue like this anymore. OK?" Natalie didn't respond. She just stood there in front of the door to my office. The expression on her face was somewhere between shock, anger and pure hurt. I could see she was on the verge of crying but I knew she wouldn't. Natalie hated crying in public. I back at the floor. "I'll be by the house after work to pick up some of my things. I'll stay in a hotel until Brittany returns. I'm really sorry about all of this." Natalie didn't respond. She took a step forward and for a second I think she is going to walk over and slap me, but instead she turns around and just walks out.Â

I finish the rest of my day at work with no more issues. I took the elevator down to the garage and half expected to see my car in shambles. I knew Natalie wasn't that type of person but you can never really predict how am woman will really react after being told what she was just told several hours earlier. Once I make it to my car and see that it is unscathed I begin to think that maybe Natalie will be really good about this whole situation. I drove home and pulled up into the drive way. I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure how I would find the house or how Natalie's mental state might be. I walked to the front door and noticed that it had been left unlocked. "She probably just forgot." I say to myself. I walked inside and immediately noticed how quiet it was. I walked around the living room, kitchen and dining room in search of Natalie. "Upstairs?" I think to myself. I go upstairs to the master bedroom and Natalie is standing outside on the balcony facing away from me. I didn't want to disturb her thoughts or argue so I went into the closet and grabbed my suitcase and began to pack my things. Once I had gone through the closet and all of the drawers in the room I moved on to the bathroom. As I packed my  toiletries when I heard a crash. I ran out of the bathroom and Natalie was gone. I ran downstairs in search of Natalie or whatever had caused the loud noise. I ran into the dining room in the back of the house and out of the corner of my eye I see something move. I open the back door and see her. Natalie is handing from some make shift noose she has made out of some bed sheets. I couldn't look at her face afraid that she will really be gone. The scene made my stomach turn and my head dizzy. I turned away and the everything goes black.Â

That was the last thing I ever remembered of Natalie. When I woke up I was in the hospital recovering from a concussion I got from falling over. The police came in and took their statements, the coroner ruled it a suicide and I was sent on my way. I never went back to the house, or Brittany or my job. I called and had my job transfer me and I moved. I would never wish this pain onto anyone. Not even my worse enemy. Its been several years but to me it all happened just yesterday.

Hmmmm maybe I really did love her.

[samiicree-blog1]

wonder woman ~ tried going for the more traditional comic style when i colored it in photoshop. 

[samiicree-blog1]

A Short Story

They have done all of these studies about how twins remain connected, physically, their whole lives. I haven’t seen Sally for twenty years, but sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my knee and I know it’s her pain, not mine. Or I’ll be taking a walk and I’ll feel breathless after just a few minutes and I know it’s because of Sally. “I wonder how she is doing?” I think to myself. Though we hadn’t ended things on a good note she was still my sister and I still wanted her to prosper in her life and be happy. It really hurt knowing that Sally and I hadn’t spoken in twenty years, but she made her choice and I made mine. As I climb the stairs to my apartment I had to stop on the platform and rub my throbbing knee. “Damn Sally.” I whispered to myself. I climbed the final eight steps and made it home. I walked in and dropped my keys on the counter. I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and flopped down on the couch. I rubbed my knee a little more. The throbbing pain in my knee was beginning to go away. I turned on the television as I took a drink from the bottle. The cold liquid that rushed down my throat felt as if it was rushing through my veins helping the pain in my knee subside. I laid deeper into the couch and settled in to watch the documentary that I had recorded earlier that day. As I watched the documentary my eyelids began to get heavy and I dozed off. I jumped awake. The pain in my chest was excruciating and I could hardly breath. “Where is this coming from?” I thought. I grabbed at my chest and sat straight up. Breathing heavily I tried to calmly walk to my balcony. I needed to get outside and try to catch my breath. As I stood on my balcony the pain in my chest got worse. I fell to my knees and my breathing became more haggard. Grabbing my chest I squeezed my eyes shut. ” Oh God!” I shouted. “This is a heart attack. I am going to die of a heart attack at 42 years old.” I thought to myself. I woke up several hours later to the blaring sound of the house phone. I sat up and got off the floor of my balcony and sat in one of the chairs. I touched my chest and the excruciating pain that I had felt a few hours earlier seemed to have all been a dream. “What was that earlier?” I thought. My phone began to ring again. I got up and walked over to the counter and grabbed my phone. “Hello?” I said. The person on the other line took a shaky and shallow breath. “Hey Gary.” David said. “What’s up David? Its kind of late for you to be calling.” I said. “Look ,David , I’m sorry to do this over the phone, but I’m calling to tell you that Sally died. She had a heart attack last night.” David said with a shaky voice. My hand dropped and the phone I had been holding fell from my hand. I walked back towards the balcony and placed my hand back on to my chest. The pain in my chest began to come back with every beat of my heart. Not as painful but still the dull pain was uncomfortable. “I felt it, Sally. I felt your last few moments and I didn’t even realize it. You died before I could ever apologize to you and now I can never do that. I thought I was dying out here, never realizing it was really you.” I sat down on the floor of my balcony and as I looked across the sky the began to break the horizon as a tear streamed down my face. “Though we didn’t agree on everything and we hadn’t spoken in a long time, you were still my sister and I loved you very much. I know you were in a lot of pain and I’m glad you are forever pain free now. As the sun rise fully broke the horizon and as the rays slid across my face the pain in my chest vanished. “Good bye, Sally.”

[samiicree-blog1]

I’m tired of saying I’m okay because I’m not fucking okay.

[samiicree-blog1]

Feeling Free

The yellow lanes on the highway sped by in a blur, and we flew through the night, and we felt free. But we weren't and we knew it. We were running away from something, and running was never the path to freedom. I thought about telling John to turn back. I thought about suggesting that we pull over and discuss what just happened, but it never felt like the right time. John looked like he was still trying to process what just happened. Even though I wanted to talk about everything I also wanted to give him a little more time with his fake freedom. Driving has always been John's outlet. He will drive as fast and as long as he needs to to try to clear his mind and think over things. As I sit in the passenger seat, staring out the window, John reaches over and grabs my hand. "I'm sorry about how that all went." He says. I squeeze his hand. "It's okay, sweetie. I mean I understand why your parents would react like that. It's not easy to hear that one of your kids is gay. " I respond. "Its not okay. I can take my dad yelling at me or being mad at me, but for him to blame you and yet at you was completely unacceptable!" He exclaims. John slams his hand on the steering wheel. "Sweetie pull over. We need to really talk and cool down a little." I say. John looks at me from the side of his face but pulls over and parks at a gas station that has since long closed up for the night.

John shuts off his car and leans his head on the steering wheel. His face is still pretty red so I can tell he is still pretty heated. I let him use the cool leather on the wheel to cool him down a bit before I speak. "Sweetie, I know you are mad at your dad, but he just cares for you and doesn't want you to go through any type of hardship. He is trying to protect you. So don't be too mad at him." I say. "He's not trying to protect me, Marcus. Did you not see his face when I told them? He isn't worried about how this will affect my life. He is disgusted with me. He is only worried about his life and how having an openly gay son will affect his life in this small town. And my mom... Oh my God my mom! She just sat there crying. Like I told her that I was dying or the world was ending! I brought you to my home to introduce you to my family and to tell them the truth about myself and it all failed. It just blew up in my face and what makes it worse is I dragged you into this. I'm so sorry, Marcus. I truly didn't think it was going to happen like that." John put his head in his hands and looked as if he was got to cry. "I really wish my family was more like yours, Marcus. They truly accept you for who you are." John whispers.

"I don't think my family took it that well when I told them." I respond. "They didn't show their disagreements or unhappiness to my face, but I'm sure they probably hoped that this was a phase and that I would grow out of it at some point. But I think they have come seen over the years that it isn't a phase. So, yeah, they are a lot more accepting of it. I'm sure your family is just super shocked and confused and they don't understand why there is such a sudden and huge change for you. So of course they aren't going to want to believe it. They will come around. They're your parents and you're their son, they are going to love you regardless." Marcus slid across the front seat an sat closer to John. He pulled him into a hug and just let John rest his head on his shoulder. They sat like that for what seemed like hours. Finally Marcus spoke. "For now I think it would be best to continue or relationship in secret like we have been."

"What?" John said. He sat up and looked Marcus in the eye. "What are you saying, Marcus? Why would you want to do that? We have been hiding our relationship for over a year. Are you that upset about what my dad said? Or are you just  embarrassed of me?" John looked so upset and hurt by the thought that Marcus might leave him. John's breathing escalated and he looked as if he might break down and cry. The look on John's face almost broke Marcus' heart. He knew he needed to get John to understand what he really meant about what he said.

"No, sweetie. No I could never be embarrassed of you. I don't want to hide our relationship I think we NEED to. We need to give your family some time to cope with everything they heard tonight. You can still come to my house after football practice like you have been. I love you, John, and I would scream it from the top of my lungs just so everyone could know, but after your family reacted like that I think it's best that we give them time. They have to come to terms with it internally before they can deal with it publicly. That's all. Okay?" Marcus looked at John with so much love in his eyes that he knew he didn't have anything to worry about. "Yeah, I understand. Sorry I freaked out. I just can't lose you. I love you, Marcus." John said. I love you too. Marcus said. John leaned forward and kissed Marcus. He placed his forehead on Marcus' and they sat like for a few minutes. Both trying to come to terms with the decision they have made. John closed his eyes and took a deep breathe. "I guess we should get going. It's getting late and you need to get home." John said as he pulled back and put on his seat belt. "Do you want to stay at my place? Kind of give you parents the night to breath?" Marcus ask. "No." John starts. "I should go home so they don't freak out and do something stupid." Marcus nods. "Okay."

John starts the car and Marcus slides back to his seat and puts on his seat belt. They drive towards Marcus' house in silence. The two boys just held hands and stared out the windows until they park at the curb in front of Marcus' home. Marcus' house is quiet and all of the lights are off. He knows that his family has long gone to bed so he will have to be quiet on the way to his room. Marcus begins to get out of the car and stops to look at John. He opens his mouth to say one last thing to the star football player he loves so much but rethinks and decides its best not to press the issue. Instead Marcus leans back into the car and gives John one last kiss. John restarts the car waves good night and drives away.

John arrives home and parks his car in the driveway. After he kills the engine he sat there for a few more seconds trying to prepare for what he might be walking into. He finally gets out of his car and as he grabs the door knob he takes on final deep breath and enters his childhood home. When he walks inside his mom stands up from the chair she has been sitting in all night."Oh thank God. I thought something terrible happened to you. Are you okay? It's already a little past midnight. Where have you been? she ask. "I'm fine, mom. Sorry I was out so late. I didn't mean to make you worry, I just needed some time to cool off and think." John says. "Were you with that boy?" She ask. "His name is Marcus, mom, and yes I was with him. He was helping me understand why everything went the way it did." John explains. "John" His mom starts. Being cautious with her words, she doesn't want to make him mad with the fear that he might leave again. "I'm not mad at you or anything for what you told your father and I. I am just trying to understand. Are you sure? I mean do you really know for sure that your....well you know....Gay?" She says the word with as much care and kindness as she could muster. "Yes, mom. I'm gay. Why is that such a big deal? John ask exhausted from trying to control his emotions. "John, I understand that you might think you care for that boy" "Marcus! His name is Marcus!" John practically yells. "Okay, okay. Marcus. You might really believe that you care for him but your father and I think that you are just confused" John throws his hands in the air. "Ugh!  You guys just don't understand me. I don't "think" I care for Marcus. I really do care for him and not just care, mom. I love him." John says exasperated. John turns and looks at his mom. He sees the tears the swelling in her eyes and immediately felt guilty for yelling at her. "I'm sorry mom. I didn't mean to freak out on you. I'm just going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning." John kisses his mother on top of her head and then walks to his room. He goes in, shuts and locks his door and just lays in bed.

The next morning John gets up and gets dressed for school. He walks into the kitchen and his mom and dad are already sitting at the table having breakfast. John walks to the table and drinks the orange juice his mom has sat out for him and grabs a few pieces of toast as he turns to head to the door. "Sit down and eat your breakfast properly. We need to talk about yesterday." His father says. "Can't. School." John says. "Well come directly home right after then." His father demands. "Football practice." John responds. John steps outside just as his father starts to say something else.

John parks his car just as the final warning bell for first period rings. The day passes slowly for John until he finally gets to his favorite but last class of the day. He walks into his art class and his eyes immediately fall onto Marcus sitting at their table. John walks over to his seat and as he sits down he lets his knee slightly bump into Marcus. Marcus tries to hide the sweet smile due to the small contact from their everyday ritual. The class continues with Marcus and John never really talking to one another. The final bell rings and John quickly gets up and leaves the class room.

As Marcus reaches his home after school and John is already parked in front of his house waiting for him.

"Don't you have practice?" Marcus ask.

"I'm skipping today. I would rather be here with you." He says.

"Awww. Aren't you sweet? Come on in." The boys went into Marcus' room, shut the door and laid in bed spooning one another.

"So what happened this morning?" Marcus ask.

"Ugh! I don't want to talk about it. My dad  is being a prick. I think he is trying to find a way to lock me in to my house." John says.

"Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I think he is just trying to find a way/ keep me away from you, but don't worry I won't let him separate us." John kisses Marcus' neck and cuddles closer to him. The two laid together like that for several hours before Marcus turns over and says. "It's probably time for you to get home. I don't want you to get into anymore trouble because of me." John knows what Marcus says is true and he begrudgingly sits up and begins to gather his things. Marcus walks John to the front door and the two share one more kiss and then John turns to walk away. John stops mid step and turns back around. "What if we ran away?" John ask. "What?" Marcus responds. "I'm serious. We can pack a few things, jump in my car and just drive away. I have some money from my summer jobs saved and we can get jobs. We could leave and just live on our own. Happy and free." John says. "Sweetie, we have three months left until we graduate. Then we can go on a trip for the summer. And once we get to college we won't have to hide anything." Marcus calmly explains. John kind of chuckles,"you're right." He says. John kisses Marcus again and the walks to his car and drives off.

When John gets home his mom and dad are already getting ready to have dinner. "Sit down. We will not have a repeat of this morning. We will have this meal as a family." His dad states. To tired to argue back John takes his normal seat at the table. Dinner was completed in silence and as they finished up their meal the door bell rang. "John, can you please clear the table while your father and I get the door?" His mom ask. "Sure thing, mom." John cleans up the dining room and puts the leftover food away in the kitchen. When he has finished his task he walks to the living room to tell his parents good night. As he walks in he sees his entire family sitting in a circle, waiting for him. His two older brothers, Nick and Thomas, sit on either end of the couch. While his older sister, Bianca, sat in the lounge chair next to them. "Hey, John." Bianca says. "Mom and dad told us about what you told them yesterday. We just want to talk." John laughs and shakes his head. "Fuck this." He says.

He turns around and heads to his room with Bianca not to far behind him. John slams and locks his door before Bianca could follow him in. Once in his room John pulls out his duffel bag with all of his football gear in it and dumps the contents onto his bed. John goes through his dresser and throws all of his clothes into the bag. He kneels next to his bed and pulls out the small shoe box that he keeps all of his money in and throws it into the bag. He contemplates walking back out his room and into the face of his entire of family but then he looks at his window. John opens his window and throws out the bag and jumps through. John runs to his car, starts it up, backs out of the driveway and drives off heading towards Marcus' house. As he gets closer to the street that he had just driven down that afternoon John pulls over at the corner, gets out and begins to walk the rest of the block to the house and he had come to believe was his real home.

As John gets closer to his secret lovers home her hears the music being played extremely loud from the house. He looks through the front window and sees Marcus and his family laughing and dancing around the living room. John steps up to the front door excited to see Marcus and the family he has come to love. He wants to ask Marcus to run away with him again. But right as John is about to knock he remembers what Marcus had told him earlier that afternoon. He won't leave his family. Not now at least. He wants to finish school first. But John couldn't wait that long. John looks back through the window at the family he wishes so dearly he could be apart of but knows right now he can't. He turns and walks back to his car. John takes out is phone and sends on final text and then leaves it on the sidewalk. He starts his car and drives away heading out-of-town away from his too small school, his overbearing father, over criticizing family and from the only person that ever truly understood him. John drives away from all of the things that he felt were caging him in. And finally gets his freedom....

                                MARCUS,

                                      I love you. I'll return when the time is right.

                                                            XOXO, John.

END

[samiicree-blog1]

The biggest challenge of life is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else.

[samiicree-blog1]

😍😍✨🌟⭐️🌌🌃

[samiicree-blog1]

Emerald - scottuminga 

For all the May babies <3 (also inspired by my bf walking by the harbourfront, and also because we’re May babies)

www.scottuminga.com

[samiicree-blog1]

The Nightmare A short story

      She woke with a start. The lingering nightmare slowly started to fade from her memory as she began to stretch to wake her body and blink the sleepiness from her eyes. She was still slowly pushing out her legs and staring at the ceiling when her foot ran into a heavy object. As she shifts her body around to inspect what is in the bed her eyes immediately runs into a pair of blood-shot eyes staring back at her. She jumps back a little, fully sitting up, and takes in the full face of the person staring back at her.

     It’s her friend Stephanie. She slowly puts her head down and starts to silently laugh coming to terms with the sick joke her friend has played on her. As she lifts her head back up to face her friend she realizes that Stephanie has yet to move from the end of the bed. The woman crawls closer to the edge of the bed and reaches a hand out and grazes Stephanie’s face. She’s ice-cold. Upon closer inspection she notices the bruises that have begun to surface on her neck. And the blood-shot eyes she was beginning to think were just contacts are deep red. Blood red… Stephanie is dead!

      The realization sends the woman flying back to the top of the bed. Her jaw dropped and she was prepared for the ear shattering scream that should proceed after such a discovery, but nothing happened. As she stares at Stephanie she notices something moving out the corner of her eye. A man! She jumps back even further almost knocking  over her lamp sitting on the night stand next to her bed. The man didn’t seem to notice. He just sat in the corner next to the door to her room and he seemed to be rocking himself. “I have got to get out of here.” She thought to herself. She slowly got out of bed; being careful not to make a sound. As she slid out of the bed she notices that the sliding glass doors that connect her room to the backyard are slightly ajar. “The backyard! If I can just make it to the backyard then I can make a run for the gate and get help. All I have to do is get to the gate!” She thought. As she moves closer to the end of the bed she keeps her eyes on the man in the corner. While she is staring at his back she is looking for any features that might help her identify who this man is. The closer she gets to the end of the bed and the man in the corner she could hear him mumbling something.

      As he faced the corner, rocking himself back and forth, he talks to himself. “Why did you do this? Why don’t you look at me? Why don’t you love me? I loved you!” He said in a low, husky and grumble of a voice. He repeated the same four lines over and over. It was like some sort of chant or prayer. He just sat there. Looking at the ground never blinking, rocking back and forth, chanting to himself. The look in his eyes as he sat there staring was crazed. Like a rabid dog protecting a bone from scavengers.

      As the woman rounded the end of her bed her foot lands in something wet and slips. She catches herself on the corner of her bed but instead of standing back up she gets on all fours and proceeds to just crawl. As she crawls forward her hand lands in something wet as well. She looks down and her once all white carpet is now stained with what she thinks is just the red wine she usually brings to bed with her. She ignores it and crawls on. Suddenly she completely slips. She lands on her stomach and comes face to face with another person! “Derek!” she thinks. Her pool boy laid on his back in front of her absent of all life. A deep wound spread from his right temple down to his left cheek. His once nicely defined chest and six-pack now looked as if it had been cut out and the knife used to perform this act still stood inside of him. His once beautiful olive tanned skin was now covered in the same red wine that was on her carpet. She picked herself up and looked at her carpet and then back at Derek. “This isn’t wine.” She whispered and then she screamed. And ear shattering scream as she jumped up off the floor and backed up into the sliding doors.

     The man in the corner, shocked out of his trance, turned and looked at her. She stopped screaming and was beginning to cry and panic. The man stood and reached out a bloody hand towards her and the woman flinched away. He pulled his hand back and looked at it and then looked back at her. He seemed confused as if he didn’t understand why she seemed so afraid. He looked back down at both his hands. And as he stood there staring at his hands he spoke. “Why? Why don’t you love me?” He asked. “Why did you do this?!” He screamed. She flinched and jumped closer to the opened door. The man stepped forward and she jumped one last time closing the gap between her and the opening. He took a second step and she turned and ran outside.

      She ran through her backyard dodging the few items left around the pool. She jumped over the pool vacuum that she pulled of the night before. And she barely missed the lounge chairs that sat around the edge of the pool. All the while she screamed at the top of her lungs. ” If I make it through this my next house will not have a freaking pool and I am getting a HUGE dog.” She thinks. She rounds the corner or her house and the gate is finally in her sights. “Lets go, Nicole! You’ve got this!” she tells herself. She finally lands a hand on the gate. She takes a deep breath and yanks the gate open. When she steps out of her backyard the sun has just begun to break the horizon. “It can’t be no more than six in the morning.” Nicole thinks. She takes one more deep breath and opens her mouth to scream again.

Then……….

      “Good morning Los Angeles! Breaking news this morning. The police were called to a residence in La Miranda County in the early hours of the morning after the some of the residence in this quiet neighborhood called 911 reporting that they her screaming coming from one of the homes. Upon arriving the police located a man in the backyard sitting next to a lifeless body. The suspect Johnathan Grimes, was sitting next to deceased porn star, Nicole Hansen. After the police handcuffed Mr. Grimes they proceeded to inspect the rest of the home. Once inside the residence the officers found the deceased bodies of Stephanie Lewis and Derek Stewart.”       “According to the investigating officers Ms. Hansen, Ms. Lewis and Mr. Stewart were in the home having some sort of gathering or party. And during the night Mr. Grimes entered the residence and found the three slightly intoxicated adults and commenced to committing the heinous crime of taking their lives. After interrogating Mr. Grimes he told the police that he was Ms. Hansen’s boyfriend and that he just quote “lost it” when he came home to Ms. Hansen in “their” bed with Ms. Lewis and Mr. Stewart. He continued on to say that he hadn’t even realized what he had done until after the act was committed. The police then spoke with Mr. Lincoln, Ms. Hansen’s manager, and tried to verify Mr. Grimes story of being the boyfriend of Ms. Hansen. Mr. Lincoln informed the police that Mr. Grimes was not Ms. Hansen’s boyfriend. In actually he was stalking Ms. Hansen and had just recently been served a restraining order by Mr. Lincoln for Ms. Hansen. Please stay tuned because as we receive more information on this heart breaking incident we will keep you all updated. This is Danielle from FOX 5 morning news.”

                                        END