#the rest of my system says we should let her treat things as symptoms and voice disagreements next session

[ix-c-999]

today my therapist is going to pathologize the fact that i dislike bigotry and the rest of my system says i have to let her do that.

[thebadbatch]

The Bad Batch: Soft Universe

Chapter One - Just like you.

Sudden waves of calm sent drastic waves throughout the Havoc Marauder, the newly dubbed Attack Shuttle that five advanced clones called home along with a smaller clone, a child with pure generation I DNA who also called the ship her home.

The calm waves were well welcomed among those within the ship, they had only just completed a mission that had been given to them by Cid, a rather dangerous mission at that. Yes, they were used to blaster fire, it was in their blood to adjust to it.

They were literally made to contribute their own blue fire to intertwine and drown out the blazing red bullets that threatened many on an unfortunate daily basis. Despite how they were made, every clone needed a break after a while, especially the young clone - or so they had thought anyway.

"That was Amazing!" Omega Squealed, rushing over to the others who had thrown themselves into their assigned seats in the cockpit absolutely drained after their Solid twelve hour mission. "Don't you guys think So too?" She took a Sharp breath in, channelling her energy through her legs as she rushed to each individual member of the batch. "You were all so Cool! And did you see me with my bow? I'm getting so much better at it, aren't I crosshair?" Her large eyes darted toward crosshair who was currently slumped against his chair, a new toothpick against his teeth. 

"I Suppose so." He mumbled, looking away from her energy filled eyes and focusing on the calmer view of the billions of Stars that littered the Space before them. Omega's previous smile Somehow got even bigger at Crosshair 's mumbled praise. 

"You did great, kid!" Wrecker beamed, going toward Omega and patting her back with a lot less force compared to the other members, but due to her Small size she still stumbled a little which caused a laugh to leave her lips. "And it's the end of the mission so you know what that means!" She practically became the beaming twin Suns of Tatooine at this point.

"Mantell Mix!" She Shrieked, bouncing in her Place as Wrecker laughed at her enthusiasm. Suddenly Hunter chimed in, turning around in his chair and rubbing his head, the Previous mission leaving him with a Simple patch of bacta on his arm and an absolute killer headache due to the planet's atmosphere messing with his senses. 

"Is Mantell Mix really the best idea with Omega?" His voice chimed in, "She's already excited enough I don't think Sugar will help." Omega and Wrecker Stared sadly toward their Squads leader, Pouting a little at his disapproval.

"But it's tradition!" Wrecker intersected, a bouncing omega next to him clinging to his side to encourage him to change his mind, they just had to have their Mantell Mix It was the only option. "And it makes the kid happy." Hunter let out a Sigh, rubbing his head a little more and giving them both a rather Persistent gaze.

"Are you sure it's just the kid that makes it happy?" He asked, referencing Wrecker who's eyes always lit up at the sight of the sweet tasting treat, he just crossed his arms in response though.

"The Mantell mix should be fine, She seems to be experiencing an adrenaline rush due to the intensity of the Mission." Tech Paused for a moment, fiddling with the datapad that laid within his grip. "Symptoms may include a rapid heart rate, Sweating, heightened senses and of course the most obvious ones of rapid breathing, decreased ability to feel pain and what's intriguing is there's actually an increase of Strength and performance - hence her bow Skills seemed to improve rather drastically during that mission." Tech paused again to type a little into his datapad browsing through the various load of knowledge before making eye contact with a fidgety Omega, still bouncing on her feet. "Oh and of course, the most prominent symptom in Omega is feeling jittery or nervous and can't Sit Still. It helps the excess energy I presume." Wrecker had of course stopped listening half way through, but was a little Worried about their Omega. It was a very chaotic and tough mission, they had a few close calls which probably made things worse if She didn't have enough adrenaline already rushing through her tiny body, the other clones could handle it though due to their training and they were a lot bigger compared to her, hence the numbed effect on them.

"Yeah yeah." Wrecker rushed, "Can she have the Mantell Mix or not?" 

"In Short- Yes." Tech replied, shutting off his computer and turning back in his seat to set the Marauders Coordinates. A large cheer shattered the Previously Soothing Silence followed by a Soft wince from Hunter, his headache presumably worse. 

 "When are we landing!" She rushed Over to the control panels, desperate to do Something to get them there quicker. 

"Woah there kid," Echo gently lifted her up, Moving her away from the control panel and gently placing her next to Hunter, "We'll be there soon. Why don't you rest up for now?" Once Echo's gentle grip left her, She moved into Hunter's arms in what appeared to be a protest.

"But I'm not tired!" All of the nightmare training they had to endure never prepared them to care for a child, so whenever she protested It was always a shock. Soldiers were made to follow orders but what they kept forgetting was that she isn't a soldier, she's just a child. 

"You will be once the adrenaline leaves your system." Tech warned, "I Suggest you leave to rest now ready for another day of adventuring." She signed and nodded, her excitement already beginning to leave being replaced with a rapid heart rate and a lot of sudden anxiety which caused her to shuffle further into Hunter's arms.

"Yeah, okay." Omega agreed, gently holding onto Hunter's arm as he gave her a small smile, it was late anyway. They'd arrive by morning which meant that they could go Straight to Cids to retrieve their Credits and quite possibly their next mission. Hunter soon stood, softly holding her smaller hand and guiding her to her room aboard their ship. Pulling back the grey curtains, a small room was awakened with stars being shown among the large window. It was a tight fit, but it was worth losing the space so Omega could have her own room. She slowly climbed up the ladder, her eyes always fixating on the orange glow of the fairy lights hanging around the room. She always looked at the soothing tone before searching beneath her blankets to find her clone doll and Lula. Once both toys were securely in her arms, she smiled softly at Hunter, shuffling herself into the blankets and the bigger sleeping bag that lay in the centre of the room so when she laid down against the pillow, she could roam her eyes among the stars. 

"Are you comfortable?" His voice whispered, chuckling gently at her small body bombarded with blankets. 

"Yeah!" She smiled in return, a sleepy haze replacing her previously energetic gaze. Hunter noticed her heart race was starting to drop quite quickly and her breathing had begun to slow itself down, the adrenaline rush Tech had previously mentioned was definitely starting to wear off. "But can you stay for a little while?"

"How come?" He questioned, sitting on the edge of her room with his familiar grin. "You're supposed to be sleeping." She sighed a little, clinging to her clone doll and staring at him with those curious eyes he could just never say no to. 

"But I want to hear more stories about you and the others!" A pout formed on her lips, a pang of guilt filling Hunter for even wanting to leave. "But if you don't want to tell me then that's okay! I'll ask Tech." An instant gasp left his lips as he remembered the last eight times he had woken during the night to find Tech sitting with Omega and rambling about the variety of planets there are, missions, the past and pretty much anything she could think of. She's a curious girl and that always interrupted her sleep Cycle - her racing mind never stopped and Tech was the only one who could keep up and enjoyed doing so. 

"Fine, okay." He chuckled, secretly loving to tell her stories about her brothers. "Did I ever tell you about our missions during the clone Wars?" She shook her head, gazing at him with wide eyes. "We were assigned to help assist Anakin Skywalker and Rex to find Echo."

 "Anakin Skywalker?" She asked, tilting her head at this newly learnt name. 

"He was a Jedi and a great commander, but obviously we were better and cooler." He paused to clear his throat, "Anyway…" Hunter continued to jumble on about how they fought and how each enhanced skills helped them on that mission that surprisingly went amazingly well. 

"Hunter?" A sleepy voice asked toward the end of his story, a little surprised that she interrupted a story - this must be important. "What's my enhanced skill?" She questioned, squeezing Lula close to her chest. In all honesty, he had absolutely no idea What her skill was, only that she had pure first generation DNA from Jango Fett which was pretty fascinating, but a skill like theirs? He was stumped.

"Well you're getting great with your bow now Omega!" He grinned, remembering how much the accuracy of the shots she took had improved rather significantly. Hunter was definately proud, just like the rest of the Bad Batch were.

"No." She whined, sitting up a little. "What's my enhanced skill like everyone else has?" Omega paused for a moment, a worried yet sleepy gaze coating her eyes. "Don't I have one?"

"I'm not sure, kid." His eyes lit up as he smiled, "Why don't we find out soon?" She nodded with a big grin plastered along her face. "Now get some sleep ready for that, Okay?" In return he got a smaller smile and a nod as she snuggled herself back dawn with her two toys, almost instantly falling asleep before a gentle sentence left the bundle of soft blankets.

"Goodnight Hunter." A soft voice whispered before finally falling into a deeper sleep, unknowing to Hunter's next words.

"Goodnight, Ad'ika." Hunter softly drew the curtain to the room filled with a soft orange glow, blocking it out before walking toward the others and sitting back into his chair with a sigh. Staring forward, he allowed the passing planets to fill his mind as to what memories he had made at the ones he and the rest of the batch had  visited. Many of course not among the greatest circumstances but memories nonetheless. Wrecker soon stood and Stretched with an abrupt yawn. 

"I'm getting Pretty tired, who's on first watch anyway?" The brothers gazed around at each other, eyes eventually falling toward Tech for an answer as he had always been the one to memorise their sleep cycles and plan out a well organised chedule on who would take watch and when.

"According to my calculations, Echo will be the first to keep watch followed by me, Wrecker, Crosshair followed by Hunter. Is that satisfactory to you all still?" A mumble of sleepy nods were shared in response as Wrecker smiled and moved toward their shared bunks. 

"I'll be off then!" He spoke, unable to suppress his yawn as he wandered away to prepare for bed.

"Are you all heading off now then? I think it's best to sleep now for the day we'll probably have tomorrow." Echo spoke, replacing himself with Tech in the pilot's seat, ensuring he was comfortable. The others had agreed and shared their various goodnights and moved away to their bunks, settling down and Just like Omega had, they all drifted off to sleep- replenishing their energy for the morning. 

Hours had passed to the stage in the sleep cycle where Crosshair was keeping watch, his feet thrown by the controls which he knew Tech wasn't awake to see so it didn't really matter. He was pretty relaxed chewing against his toothpick, adjusting to himself functioning awake. Crosshair had always struggled to keep the physical effects of steep at bay once he had awoken but don't think for a second that it dampened his skill. What had startled him though were the soft footsteps behind him followed by a very gentle voice that followed.

"Crosshair?" Omega whispered, "Are you awake?" Removing his feet from the control panel, much to sleeping Tech's glee, he turned in the chair to see a rather tense looking Omega Clinging to both her doll and Lula. Great,he'd rather deal with blaster fire then with a kid's problems. Maybe that was a lie, but regardless he wasnt really experienced with kids and he didn't want to mess her up like he felt he was. 

"Yeah, kid." He spoke, voice thinned out and a little tierd. "What do you want?" 

"I don't think I feel great." Her voice mumbled, "My heart feels fast and my mind won't let me sleep." He sighed a little knowing he'd have to take care of the worried child before him, he seemed cold-hearted to everyone around him but he knew his brothers know that that isn't the case. He supposed this was his chance to let his little sister know that too.

"Anything on your mind?" He asked, trying to rid his voice of the sour tune that he had grown accustomed to using. She seemed rather lonely shuffling on her feet, gripping her toys closer to her chest. 

"I think I'm nervous about tomorrow…" Crosshair gave a soft gesture to let her know that it was okay to carry on, he was there. "Hunter promised me that he'd help me try to find my enhanced Skill! I really want one so I can be more like you guys. That way I can be more helpful too!" Omega drew a sharp breath inward, "But what if I don't  have one? What if i'm even less helpful because of it. What if I'm not like my big brothers?" Her smaller Kamonian thick accent began to shake as a bundle more 'what ifs' left her mouth.

"Hey," Crosshair interrupted, a shot of genuine physical pain shooting through his heart at the tears which began to loom over her usually bright and hopeful eyes. "No more What if's. You're always going to be apart of this team with or without an enhanced skill. We may not find it Straight away if you do have one, but even if you don't have one it's nothing to get worked up about." His attempt to soothe her didn't work the way he had wanted it to, but she did seem calmer than before.  "You'll do fine, kid." Something amongst his heart encouraged him to open his arms despite everything in his mind telling him to just make her go back to bed. Before he could gain control of his half-awake mind, his arms had opened and those words left his mouth. "Go back to bed, Ad'ika." Omega had thrown herself into his arms, hugging him tightly with the doll and Lula present. He thought that he should feel embarrased or angry - but if anything he just felt a wave of pride wash over him. She wanted to be like them? Even after everything that had happened? For Sure She had a very compassionate and empathetic heart, but he didn't think that it was as Strong as this.

"I want to stay with you." Her muffled voice mumbled as she gently climbed to sit on his lap clearly in a sleepy and stressed out daze. Crosshair didn't respond to her heart-filling request as he watched Hunter gently approach by them both. Both brothers Shared a understanding nod, eventhough Crosshairs was a little hesitant. He didn't mind holding his little sister for longer, but she needed her sleep. She was overtierd and anxious enough. Hunter lifted Omega Softly from Crosshairs arms as the sniper dusted himself off returning to taking watch until she was back in bed. Luckily, Omega had already fallen asleep against Crosshair, so Hunter putting her back to bed was no problem at all. Once he returned, he stood behind his brother.

"Thanks, you can head back to bed now." Hunter hummed, taking the freed Seat as Crosshair left with a soft mumble and scrowl as per usual. Once he was out of sight, he leant back with a gentle sigh knowing how upset she'd be without an enhanced Skill of her own. Though at this point, he was pretty certain it was stratedgy. Things would become clearer by morning though, he knew Tech may be able to find out before she woke. "All in due time." he mumbled softly, waiting for the planet they were waiting to land on to appear, desperate to get their credits. This wouldn't take too long, they'd find out soon doing anything to make his Ad'ika happy.

[bookwyrminspiration]

is it still council-hating hours? even if not, this is something that's been bothering me for....so long. and i am going to explode if i don't say it right now. (In fact i actually have a doc titled "council incompetence rant" that is. getting a little long.)

One of the things that annoys me the most in Keeper is how utterly incompetent the Council is. They are shit at their jobs! They don't make sense! And that would be fine if that was something that was explored and talked about in the story, but it's not?

Like, sure, it's brushed on a little, but Keeper never goes in-depth in order to explain just how flawed and corrupt the system is! We have no idea how far the rot goes because we haven't been given a chance to see how far it goes, and despite the earlier books being really great setup for all kinds of plots and discussions surrounding the Council, it feels like Messenger is completely dropping that in favor of..."Neverseen Bad, Council + Black Swan Good". Which I call fucking bullshit on, by the way, because this series has gone to pretty decent lengths before to show that it's not the case! So WHY are we getting to that now?

Well, I think all of this is the symptom of a bigger problem.

Note: I don't want to be mean, and please tell me if I'm being too critical here, but this series has some serious problems actually delivering on what it's saying.

Like, it's trying to tell us that Sophie shouldn't be doing all this because she's a kid, but then it treats her very own existence as a project as background information when that should absolutely be at the forefront (like it was in earlier books)!

It's trying to tell us that discrimination against the Talentless is bad, but then every single member of it's cast has an ability, has a strong ability, and regularly uses their ability! Even Dex, who could have easily been talentless and good with tech, gets to be a Super Good Gadget Person thanks to his ability as opposed to his own creativity and ingenuity.

It's trying to tell us that maybe banishing children is bad, but also tells us that Exillium is now """fixed""" because Oralie gave them...better tents? Food? And never touches on the fact that children are still. getting. banished. It doesn't explore Tam's anger in detail, Linh is only there to be the token asian girl, it does nothing to fully dispel any thought of the Council being alright.

And it's trying to tell us that the Council fucks up, it's showing us that Councillors have no problem being incredibly selfish and violent and so many other terrible things, but that never changes. Nothing in Keeper is changing. It is only maintaining the status quo!

I'm confused as to what Messenger is trying to tell her readers! Are the Council good or bad? Is working with the Council good or bad? Are the Black Swan and Neverseen actually morally grey? Should I be angry at what's happening in these books? Am I meant to look at all the rot and shrug because "that's just how it is"?

And like...I wouldn't be mad if Keeper was just...bad! I mean, I would, but I wouldn't be as distraught! What really grinds my gears is that Keeper has the chance to be good. It has the chance to do great things - and at times it absolutely does! - but it keeps reinforcing belief in a deeply flawed and broken system that is regularly hurting people. And those examples were just off the top of my head!

And again, if this was explored within the series, that would be amazing, but the problem is that it's...not. And that's just...a real fuckin' shame, honestly.

- pyro

(sorry if this was like...too angry? i started and then kinda just...couldn't stop. i should probably get a hobby that's not tearing a middle grade series apart. oops.)

it may have been over a week since you sent this (thank you for being patient with me!!), but fuck yes it is still council hating hours. it is always council hating hours in this household that is not actually a house. (also that incompetence rant sounds intriguing)

yes! you are right! they are so bad at what they're supposed to be doing it's like they're just figures for people to look to and say "yea they'll take care of it" to keep everyone else from acting out! but it's really interesting to see a government so awful and incompetent be such an integral and influential part of the story...without acknowledging that they're actually really bad? I know in Unlocked there's a line where Shannon says something like "Sophie had to figure out who the bad guys were: the black swan? the council? someone else entirely?" but then it's never touched on again that I can remember. Thinking through the series, I honestly can't think of a situation that the council, of their own volition, saw was an issue and corrected in a way that was beneficial to those who needed it. Like yea, Oralie gave money to Exillium, but that was after Sophie chewed her out about it. I think i've said it before but in case not: it feels like they've taken the "for the good of the many over the good of the few" ideology too far in a society that doesn't work for. If someone threatens the majority (and often that's just in appearance only) they get rid of them to preserve the image of the rest. It doesn't care about their people, it cares about the majority of people feeling undisturbed.

considering Sophie is part of a huge organization created literally because their society, led by that system, isn't working for a lot of people, they (the Black Swan) sure do go along with the council a whole lot. I think one of the linked posts in one of my masterposts is specifically about how making the Black Swan work so closely with the council screwed them over and completely undermined everything they were working towards. I'm going to make a very vague comparison here, but the Black Swan feel like "we need to fix the system" while the Neverseen are "the system is broken lets start over" (except the Neverseen added a lot more violence into the mix). It's absolutely infuriating to have them working side by side: one, because the Black Swan aren't accomplishing any of their goals and should cut their losses and go back to being mysterious underground groups with more freedom to move (in my opinion), but two, because it makes the council seem like it's trying to fix things when really it feels like a publicity thing to make the public think they're addressing the rebel issue while they're really just showing up in places and causing problems. And!! that's another thing! it feels like their collaboration with the Black Swan is to address the problem of having rebels, not the problems these rebels have identified and are trying to fix. Unfortunately, it seems the council is getting their way more than the Black Swan, getting them to act more legally and work closer with less room for working outside the system. if that makes sense.

considering it's literally stated in unlocked that there is no "good" and "bad," there does seem to be a lot of focus on associating the Black Swan with being Right, and the Neverseen with being Wrong. I can hope that it's the outward reactions to the Black Swan realizing they've done some fucked up stuff (Sophie) and are now overcompensating and trying to make sure their every move is the correct one. But I do think it will be interesting to see if Sophie makes the connection in canon (as she's already started to) that there isn't always a right option, there's just the best you can do with a situation and the Black Swan's insistence that she was "in the wrong" (a summary) helps her realize her own values and think through their decisions with her own perspective instead of just trusting them

response to your note: you're fine! you bring up a good point that this book sounds like it wanted to be a unique perspective (by having the "good guys" also be questionable and give the "bad guys" reasonable motives) but the execution misses the mark for a lot of us. so you're qualms and observations are entirely valid and I don't think you're being mean at all! I think you're expressing a frustration you have with something, which I support and encourage.

at times it feels like Shannon bit off more than she could chew in terms of all the complicated things she could get into when it comes to this series. not saying she's doing a bad job or a horrible author or anything, just that there are some things she introduced that kind of get left behind or unexplored because there's so much else going on. I think we can see that in the whole being experiment part of Sophie life. we saw sophie was uncomfortable with it in the first few books and would sometimes bring it up, but I personally would've been more satisfied if she'd either taken the time to process it (opposed to her think about that later strategy) or come to the realization that no, she isn't okay with it and she deserves to have her thoughts on the matter heard. she was literally created to serve someone elses purpose, and brought into the fight too early at that. and yet it's treated like an "oopsie, guess we just gotta go with it" thing, like this minor part of her story when I bet her thinking about it for more than a minute at a time would absolutely wreck her. but I'm getting caught up in this, so moving on!

I think we can see it in the talentless too, as it's treated like a "that doesn't affect me" thing for Sophie. because she doesn't have any friends that are talentless right now--the closest she's got is Marella, who I think is still legally considered talentless with her pyrokinesis. it's been acknowledged that she doesn't think the way talentless are treated is right, but it doesn't impact her right now so she's not really doing anything about it. maybe if this was brought back later with someone like Jensi, then that would be a satisfying conclusion to this issue (not a conclusion, but it wouldn't be left hanging, if that makes sense). And I can understand the benefit of leaving things open to go back and explore later from a writers perspective, but at a certain point it becomes more of a hindrance to the story than anything else.

and exillium! I have so many thoughts on Exillium that I actually started talking about it earlier in this post. They're not doing anything unless prompted and what they do is the bare minimum. With the tents and the food, they aren't fixing Exillium, they're making it into what it should've been at the very least were they going to actually go down that route. So I can't praise them for it when it's just basic decency to provide literal children with food and shelter when you force them to be somewhere they don't want to. But all this doesn't fix Exillium, because the problem is that it exists in the first place. The problem is that the council saw children who were struggling, and decided the best thing to do with them was to just get them out of the way for everyone else. Three coaches total for leadership? yeah, there's no way that place was ever supposed to be "alternate learning" or however Oralie phrased it, that was just so you could say you hadn't completely abandoned them in the middle of nowhere.

you're so right about the council fucks up bit--I think the most obvious example of this is with Sophie's ability restrictor. Yea, she's not wearing it anymore, but that's not because the council changed their minds. It's because she broke the law and the didn't punish her for it. this is a great example of how things keep trying to move forward, but the council isn't doing anything to stay up with it. "they are selfish and violent[...] but that never changes." yes!! this!! you put it so well! the council is still the same old council that we saw in book one, concerned with their own interests and their own views, just trying to mitigate the damage Sophie and her friends are capable of doing to their system. Note: the fact that a handful of teenagers who haven't even graduated can do this much damage might be telling of the structural integrity of their system. Bronte and Terik did a little flip, and Alina replaced the Now Crispy Kenric, but aside from that nothing has changed.

I will say, I personally don't want it to be clear who the good guys and bad guys are. (not saying that's what you're asking for! just piggybacking off your comment on the confusion). I'm glad that the characters make me think and I'm grateful there isn't just the "we're good and they're bad" element you see in other stories. not that that's bad, i just think realistically they'd be more complex and their simplicity grows repetitive after a while. But like I said, at times it feels like there's too much going on for there to be a clear message, which in and of itself could be the message. i could be seeing something where there's nothing, though. I think part of it might be Shannon trying to take on all these complex narratives and perspectives with a limited perspective (as in she only has Sophie to tell the story through), while also needing to make it enjoyable and palletable to a young audience.

and I agree with you! I think it's a lot of the potential we see not being used that makes us so infuriated (or me at least). Because there are some stories yo uread where you're like "ah. it's just one of those stories. cool." and you move past it. Because you know it's going to have a set perspective and you know it's going to accomplish what it wants, but Keeper seems to have so many possibilities and Shannon's getting stuck in this rut of good and bad after so long. maybe we'll get out of it in the next book with sophie thinking the Black Swan was in the wrong, but I also wouldn't be surprised if that Didn't Happen.

it's just like what i was saying about Ro! There's all these opportunities for these characters and this world to be really explored and fleshed out and complex, but we've gotten stuck in this romance drama and loosing fights again and again with little progress. All their actions are undoing the Neverseen's actions and counting it a victory because no one is dead. I just think there could be so much more that we're not getting because the story tried to go too broad when it wasn't ready for it.

this response got very long but in essence: I agree with your assessment of the story. is frustrating to see so many of the details and paths we'd like to see explored that often aren't in fiction just pass us by.

there is a special place for keeper in my heart and I will always appreciate it for that, but I also mourn what it could've been.

(also: you are not too angry! you have genuine thoughts about this series and they deserve to be heard! we are allowed to have complaints, even about the things we like. we don't have to appreciate every single aspect and we're allowed to be mad at the things we don't like.)

[d-hasselhoff]

That’s Not My Cass 1/?

Castiel x reader

Warnings: Power Hungry God Cass, some swears I think, mentions of heaven&hell + god and angels, by the way I literally hit the max number of text blocks so this’ll be a multiple part thing

Y/n stood next to Bobby and Dean, trying not to let Cass know she was scared of who he’d become. This new Cass, the power hungry god, terrified her. But she couldn’t tell him. Cass’ hand touched Sam’s forehead and Y/n knew what had happened. Castiel took down the wall.

As Cass mumbled about the power he would now hold, Y/n was able to sneak behind him. She closed her eyes for a moment, the Cass she used to know, used to love, flashed in her mind. It hurt her to realize she had to do this, she had to do it for Sam, but she knew it wasn’t really her Cass. so, she raised her arms, the angel blade striking down into Cass’ back. She squeezed her eyes shut, slowly opening them when the bright light that was supposed to emerge from his body never came.

A deep, rumbling laugh emerged from Cass’ chest. “You really think an angel blade will work on me anymore? I’m a god, Y/n a mere angel blade will do me no harm. You can’t kill a god.”

Her eyes widened and she stepped back as he turned to her, pulling the blade from his chest. “You foolish, foolish girl. I hope for your sake I never see you again.” The blade dropped as he flew away, the brief whoosh of his wings left behind.

She collapsed, her knees digging into the cement floor. Sam rushed over, picking her up off the ground, aiding her in standing up, allowing them to walk out of the building and to the vehicles. 

“I’m sorry Y/n/n. I didn’t think this would happen. It didn’t seem like Cass could get this way.” Sam gave her a sympathetic smile as they sat cleaning each other’s wounds.

“I don’t know who that was, but that was not my Cass.” She murmured, carefully pulling the thread tight on his chest, cinching the wound.

“I know. Turn your head for me? I can’t quite get to the gash in your hairline.” The gash covered the exact spot Cass used to kiss on her head before they left each other, easily helping her anxiety before cases.

As the four of them, Dean, Sam, Y/n, and Bobby stood in front of the water reserve they watched, perplexed, as Cass pushed himself into the water, a whirlpool taking him under. The only thing left of him was his beloved trench coat.

Y/n picked up the coat, folding it gently and carrying it out.

“He’s really gone, huh?” Bobby asked, more to himself than anyone else.

“I guess so. Rest in peace, if that’s even an option.” Dean replied, opening the door to his impala.

Lucifer had taken over Sam. He hadn’t slept in days, Lucifer constantly nagging at him, not letting him sleep even a wink. Y/n felt horrible for the man, especially when she was able to sleep soundly. Of course, she would never sleep the same, not without Cass next to her. But at least she was able to sleep some. Poor sam.

Now, as Dean and Y/n stood in the office of Dr. Kandinsky waiting to see Sam after his accident, the two were made aware of the efforts put in by the doctors to help Sam’s “issues”.

“Relatives of Sam Smith?” Dr. Kadinsky asked as the two of them stood impatiently, waiting on the whereabouts of their brother.

“Yeah. Where is he?” Dean asked, flailing his arms.

“You have to calm down,” she turned her attention to dean before facing the doctor again. “Sorry, he gets a bit temperamental.” She gave him an apologetic smile. “Can we see him? He’s recovering from the accident, right?”

“So you’re aware of his car accident.” The doctor mentioned.

“Yeah, is he alright?”

“Sam was admitted. He was treated for a busted rib and minor wounds.” Dr. Kadinsky explained.

“Alright, we’ve seen worse. And?” Dean’s exasperation flooded the room.

“And… he’s locked on our psychiatric floor.”

Dean scoffed. “He’s had trouble before, but nothing major, why now?” Y/n asked.

“So you’re aware Sam’s experiencing a full blown psychotic episode?

“Psychotic?” Y/n raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, it’s not like he’s freakin Norman Bates!” Dean shouted, causing Y/n to pull on his shoulder, calming him down slightly.

“I’m sure he isn’t. But, we need to determine whether the episode is brought on by insomnia or whether the insomnia is a symptom of his condition.” The doctor explained. “So we can figure out how to treat him.”

“The uh, the sleeping issue is new.” Y/n told him.

The doctor pulled in a large breath. “Well, we’ve pumped him full of sedatives as much as we safely can, but he won’t go under.” This caught their attention. “I’ve never seen anything like it.”

The doctor led them through the psychiatric ward, leading them to Sam’s room. “Hey, how are you feeling?” Y/n asked, knocking on the door lightly.

Sam seemed to pick himself up when he saw the two of them. “I think you should cancel my ufc fight.” He snickered, patting the spot next to him for his sister.

Dean and Y/n looked at each other, communicating without speaking. This was worse than they thought.

“We’re gonna get you help Sammy.” Dean smiled, patting his leg lightly.

Sam scoffed lightly.

“I don’t think that’s out there, Dean.”

“We don’t know that.” Y/n protested.

“As good as anyone.”

“Last faith healer we hooked up with had a reaper on a leash, remember?” Sam looked up at the two of them, eyes droopy. It was clear he hadn’t slept in days. “I’m just saying”

“What that you don’t want our help?” Dean asked.

“No, don’t waste your time on me.”

“If- If we don’t find help-“

“I’m gonna die. I know. Cass warned us about this, putting my soul back.”

“Screw cass!” Dean shouted.

“It’s really hard to keep the motivation to help you when you accept this so quickly Sammy.” Y/n smiled lightly at him, trying to make him understand.

“I know. I’m just exhausted. Death sounds good right about now.” Sam pleaded. “This is what happens when you throw a soul in Lucifers dog bowl.” Sam laughed pathetically. “There’s not just a cure out there.”

Dean stomped out of the room. Y/n shook her head lightly, lightly grabbing Sam’s head with both her hands and kissing his hair.

“Hey, we’re going to help you.” She gave him one last smile and followed Dean out the door.

Now, as Dean sat on the couch of Bobby’s old place, calling you every number he could think of to help him, Y/n stood opposite of him, researching anything that could help them.

Dean abruptly stood up, mumbling to the fridge to grab a beer. Bobby’s book whooshed off the table. “What the hell?” He turned his attention to his sister.

“What? I didn’t do that,” she motioned to Bobby’s book on the ground. “I assumed you threw it on the ground when you got frustrated.”

“No I didn’t- what is that?” He furrowed his brows as he picked up the card, flipping it around to “call 605-555-0102” written on the back.

So, Dean picked up the phone and called the number. “Hi, uh, my name’s Dean, a friend of Bobby Singers. I, uh, was looking for some info and a card with your number popped up. If you could call me back, thanks.”

“Well, let’s hope, huh?” Y/n asked, standing up from the table and wrapping her arms around her ‘brother’. He closed his eyes and let his head drop into her neck.

“Yeah.” He mumbled. They might not be blood but they were the closest thing to two had to family right now.

They sat at the small table, looking at whatever when Dean’s phone rang. “This is Dean.”

Y/n’s eyebrows raised. “Mackey. Calling you back. Real sorry to hear about Bobby.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“What you called about, I might have something for you.” Dean put the phone on speaker. “There’s this guy, goes by Emanuel. Kinda roams. First started hearing about him a couple months back. He healed the sick, cured the crazy. Naturally, I think something ain’t right. So, I went looking. Easiest way to get to him is through his wife, Daphne out in Colorado. So, I go. Told her I was going blind. Wasn’t a lie, my right eyes burnt out. She tells me, “go home. He’ll come.” So, I went. I set every trap, every test in the book.”

“That’s what we would have done.” Dean mentions.

“Shows up, passes every one. There ain’t nothing weird about this guy. Except… he’s the real deal.”

“What do you mean?”

“He touched me, my eye was fixed.” Mackey explained.

“I don’t believe in much that don’t suck your blood, but I wouldn’t call you on maybe.”

So, the two left for this so called “Emanuel”.

Dean knocked on the door as they approached, the door opening to a middle aged looking man.

“Hi, this is Daphne Allen’s house? We’re looking for Emanuel.” Y/n asked

“Well, you found him. Daphne’s resting if you don’t mind.” He led the two farther back on the porch.

“Yeah, Sure.”

“Um, so, we were hoping-“ Dean was cut off by Y/n lightly hitting his back. She motioned lightly toward the window where Dean caught a glimpse of supposedly Daphne tied up to a chair and gagged. The two made eye contact and he looked back at “Emanuel”, only to be greeted with a demon. The demon grabbed Dean, throwing him against the glass.

“I’d be careful, don’t you know your boss has out a hands off memo?”

“Please, what have you done to help him lately? Roman’s head on a plate? Whatever Emmanuel is, Crowley’s gonna want him. A lot more than he wants you lately. So-“ The demon was cut off by an angel blade stabbing into back. He had forgotten Y/n was with, giving her the opportunity to grab him before any real damage was done. He screamed as the electricity sparked through his body.

Dean pushed the body down the steps, landing at a man’s feet. He nudged Y/n, and she turned around, mouth dropping open. Cass was back? And in a sweater? The two made eye contact, but it didn’t feel right. “What was that?” The gruff voice she had grown to love sent shocks through her system. She thought she’d never hear it again.

“That’s not cass.” She whimpered lightly, head falling onto Dean’s shoulder.

“Did that creature hurt you?” He asked his wife as he untied her.

“I’m okay.” She murmured, sucking in a deep breath as she was freed. “But Emanuel, they were looking for you.”

“It’s okay.” He comforted as he held her. She caressed his face and Y/n bit her cheek. Emanuel seemed to notice the confusion and lead his wife over to the two, introducing them.

“I’m Emanuel.” He held his hand out to the both of them.

Dean hesitated momentarily. “Dean. I’m Dean. And this is my sister, Y/n.”

“Thank you for protecting my wife.” Y/n blinked.

“Your wife. Right.” Dean nodded, casting his glance to a frozen Y/n at his side.

“I saw his face.” Emanuel turned to his wife. “His real face.” He turned back to the two.

“He was a demon.” Dean explained.

Emanuel glanced at the ground. “A demon walked the earth.” He seemed astonished.

“Demons. Whackloads of them. You don’t know about…” Dean stopped. He must have been sheltered for some reason.

“You saw the demon’s true face.” She turned toward dean and Y/n again. “Emanuel has very special gifts.”

“So we’ve heard.” Y/n spoke. “You can heal people.” Her stare seemed to bore into Emanuel’s.

“I seem to be able to help to a certain degree.” She knew it wasn’t really Cass, but god did it feel like it. “What’s your issue?”

“Our brother.” Dean explained.

The three of them sat in the impala, the tension seemed unbearable. “So, Daphne. Is that uh, is that your wife?” Dean asked, looking over to Emanuel who sat rigid in the front seat.

He nodded. “She found me, and took care of me.”

“Meaning?”

“It’s a strange story, you may not like it.” Emanuel mentioned.

“Believe me, I will.”

“Well, a few months ago she was hiking by the river, when I wandered into her path. Confused, drenched, and unclothed. I had no memory. She said god wanted her to find me.” Dean and y/n made brief eye contact. Something was up.

“Who named You Emanuel?” Dean asked.

“Bouncybabynames.com.”

The two of them nodded confused. “Well, its working for ya.”

“It must be weird not knowing who you are.” Y/n mentioned.

“Well, its my life. And it’s a good life.”

“Yeah, well what if you were some kind of, I don’t know, bad guy?” Dean brought up.

“Oh, I, don’t feel like a bad person.” Y/n nodded, leaning back against the seat.

This was going to be a long car ride.

“So, your brother…”

“Sam.”

“Sam. What’s his diagnosis?” Emanuel asked.

“Well, it’s not exactly medical.” Dean explained.

“That should be fine. I can cure illness of the spiritual.”

“Spiritual.” Dean scoffed lightly. “Well, someone did this to him.”

“You’re angry.” Emanuel observed.

“Well yeah, dude broke my brother’s head.”

“He betrayed you, this, dude. He was your friend?” Emanuel asked.

“Yeah well he’s gone.” Dean sighed.

“Did you kill him? I sense that you kill a lot of people.”

“No, I uh, I don’t know that he’s actually gone. I just know that this… whole thing couldn’t be messier. I used to be able to just shake this stuff off. You know, whatever it was. It might take me some time, but I always could.” Dean sighed. “What Cass did I just can’t. I don’t know why.”

“Well it doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does!”

“No it doesn’t. You’re not a machine, Dean.” Dean shook his head lightly. “You’re friend’s name was Cass? That’s an odd name.” Y/n scoffed lightly from behind the driver’s side.

The impala pulled into a convenience store and Dean jumped out. “Oh, hey, just uh, sit tight, alright? And you stay with him?” Emanuel and Y/n nodded and the two walked into the store.

Dean felt a presence behind him. He turned around, about to attack, when the demon threw him into the beer fridge. He stood up, shoving the knife deep into the demon’s abdomen, sending the electricity spiraling. He pulled it out and turned around to two more.

He swung with the knife, missing and being hurtled to the ground, his knife blown out of his grasp.

He sighed, pushing himself up to fight when suddenly the one was stabbed, and the other began seizing, releasing the demon.

“Emanuel, you son of a bitch.” He looked up and was met with Meg.

“Emanuel? Yeah, not so much.” Meg smirked, pulling him up.

“Dean, Dean, Dean. You got some ‘splaining to do. Imagine my surprise when I track this Emanuel down, cozied up with you two? And he just so happens to be the spitting image of poor dead Castiel? So Dean, what’s poor dead Castiel doing in that junker out there with your sister?”

“Christmas caroling.” Dean snarked.

“Fun. But how’s he alive? Last I heard he tried to play god and went poof.” Meg drawled.

“I don’t know. And neither does he so I’d like to keep it that way. You’ve gotta stay quiet about it.”

“Oh I do?”

“He doesn’t know he’s cass.”

“Oh I know. I’ve been watching you for hours. So here’s the deal. You might remember Crowley and me were frosty back in the day? Well times haven’t changed.”

“Good.”

“That hurts my feelings. I’ve been so good to you Dean.”

“No, you’ve been good to you, sweetheart.”

“Look. Right now rumors of this wandering healer are strictly low-level. But body count’s getting high enough to change that. Folks start poking they sniff angel dust.” Meg explained as Dean shoved various snacks in his jacket.

“Yeah, they start falling all over each other trying to tell Crowley.”

“Now picture Crowley with his hands all over poor little amnesia Cass. Don’t get my wrong I’m gonna burn that smarmy dick. My time’s coming. But right now my army-of-one situation is not cutting it. It’s cold out here, there’s a price on my ass and I need friends.”

“Yeah, I get that. But I ain’t it.” Dean shook his head, starting to walk past the demon.

“That’s where you’re wrong Dean. ‘Cause I’m here to help you, and that makes us friends.”

“Help, huh? You mean see if you can turn harmless little Cass out there into an angel sized weapon?” Dean snarked.

“Like you’re taking him caroling. And by the way do you really want to keep going without any backup? Hey, I don’t trust you either. But I could really use Emanuel. And he trusts you, so for now it’s in everybody’s best interests to hold hands and cross the street together, okay?”

“We go straight to Sam. No detours.” Dean sighed.

“I love it.” Meg smirked.

“And one more thing. My knife.” Meg held the smirk, resisting lightly as Dean pulled the angel blade from her grip.

“You sure we won’t be safer traveling with a full throttle angel? I could jog his memory.” Meg offered.

Dean stared at her.

“Kidding! We wouldn’t want to upset the poor guy.”

Dean and Meg approached Y/n and Cass- Emanuel, standing outside the impala.

“Her face she’s-“ Emanuel started.

“Meg?” Y/n stared in shock lightly.

“Y/n, it’s a pleasure.”

“You scheming bitch. I can’t help but feel a weird attraction to you.”

“It’s a mutual feeling Honey.” Meg laughed. Dean rolled his eyes.

“We come in different flavors. I’m here to help.” Meg informed Cass.

“I think we’re going to be great friends.” She smirked.

“Alright, can we just go?” Dean threw his hands in the air and Meg and Y/n laughed.

“Good to see you again Meg.”

“You too Y/n.”

The drive to the hospital was, well, uncomfortable. Dean still didn’t quite trust Meg, and Y/n while she was around Meg, but Emanuel was fully shaking. It was terrible.

“This silence is very uncomfortable is there something I should know?” Emanuel suddenly asked. So many things ran through everyone’s minds, but meg settled with,

“I don’t know. Dean?”

“No. Meg has that effect. Awkward, you know?”

“That must be difficult for you.” Emanuel met Meg’s eyes.

“Dean’s making a joke, Emanuel.”

Emanuel chuckled lightly. “Oh.”

Y/n stifled a laugh, her head falling onto Meg’s.

Baby’s engine stopped and the crew rolled out, taking in the fight before them. Demons crawled around the entrance to the hospital dressed as nurses and doctors.

“How many of those knives do you have?” Emanuel asked.

“Just the one.” Dean sighed.

“Forgive me, but how else are we going to get through there?”

“Yeah Dean, got any other ideas?” Meg smirked.

“Excuse us.” Dean flashed Cass a polite smile and led Meg and Y/n away from the angel.

“Oh for the love of God. Sam’s in there! I know you two are enjoying the trip with your old pal, you especially Y/n.” Meg snapped.

“You think it’s really what cut and dry? Really? You know what he did. And you want to tell him and just hope that he takes it in stride? He could snap. He could… disappear. Who knows?” Dean’s anger cooled as Y/n tugged lightly on his shoulder.

Castiel’s voice broke the tension. “I take it we know each other.”

Meg smirked. “Just a dollop.”

“You can tell me. I’ll be fine.” Cass reassured.

“How do you know?” Dean questioned.

“You just met yourself. We’ve known you for years.” Y/n explained.

“You’re an angel.” Meg cut in.

Dean and y/n stopped, staring at Meg.

“I-I’m sorry? is that a flirtation?” Cass was utterly confused.

“No. It’s a species. A very powerful one.”

“She’s not lying. Okay? That’s why you heal people. You don’t eat.” Dean explained.

“I’m sure there’s more, we just don’t know.” Y/n gave Cass a reassuring smile.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Castiel asked, sounding almost offended. “Being an angel- it sounds pleasant.”

“It’s not. Trust me. It’s bloody.” Dean explained.

“It’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.” Y/n finished.

“They would know. You all used to fight together. Bestest friends actually. And a little more with Y/n here.” Meg smirked.

“More? Like, love, more? Am I Cass?” Cass cocked his head slightly.

“Yeah. We had been together for years. Around three years I believe.” Y/n gave him an awkward smile and leaned back into Dean.

“I had no idea. I don’t remember you. I’m sorry.” Y/n’s breath hitched. She knew this was coming, but it still hurt more than she could imagine. Dean kissed the top of her head.

“Look. You got the juice. You can smite every demon in that lot.” Meg explained.

Cass turned to face the lot. “But I don’t remember how.”

“It’s in there.” Y/n said, reaching up and patting his chest.

“I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.” Dean commented.

Cass turned toward Dean. “I don’t know how to do that, either.”

Dean turned his head and blinked dramatically and Y/n stifled a laugh. He turned to face Cass again and gave him a look. “Alright I’ll try.” He said before venturing down the hill.

“This ain’t gonna go well.” Dean sighed.

“I don’t know. I believe in the little tree topper.” Meg smiled.

Cass walked up to the guards, nervous as all hell. “Hey I know you. You’re dead!” The demon told him.

“Yes I’ve heard.” Cass replied, placing both his hands on the demon’s chest before reaching one up and smiting him. The memories came rushing back.

He stomped up to the two others and did the same, more flashes of the prior years. He remembered the god, the deals with Crowley, sam, his relationship with Y/n, everything.

“That’s my boy.” Meg smirked.

“Cool it sister. I’m still a little pissed at you for making out with him.” Y/n smiled.

“Oh please you weren’t even together.”

“Still.” She laughed. Dean rolled his eyes.

The last remaining demon tried to run, but Cass was quicker.

The three approached Cass, who seemed to have relived every moment of his past. He looked, ruffled, to say the least.

“That was beautiful, Clarence.” Meg smirked.

“Cass?” Dean asked.

“I remember you. I remember everything.” Cass seemed a little more sullen than he usually was. His attention turned toward Y/n and she could barely look him in the eye.

“I’m so sorry.” Castiel met her gaze. “I never intended to hurt you.”

Something about the odd tone Cass had taken with his ‘sister’ rubbed Dean the wrong way. He had seen too much of her pain caused by him just to be swept off her feet with one feeble apology. “Of course you didn’t! No one does! But a simple “I’m sorry” isn’t going to cut it! You weren’t around to feel the pain radiating off of her! She was in shambles because of you! She deserves so much more than that!” Castiel became dead silent. Along with the rest of the group.

“Dean- it’s okay. I’m alright. Just happy to have him back.” Y/n tugged on his shoulder, pulling him down into her embrace. “It’s alright.”

He closed his eyes, breathing in the peach shampoo, calming the rage swimming in his body. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to flip out.”

“It’s okay, Dean. You were just protecting me. Thank you.” She smiled, kissing the top of his head.

“What I did. What I became. Why didn’t you tell me?” Cass speaking again pulled Dean from his state of comfort.

“Because Sam’s dying in there!”

“Because of me. Everything. All these people. I shouldn’t be here.” Cass finished, marching away from the three of them.

“Cass. Cass!” Y/n shouted after him. “You two stay here.” She turned to Dean and Meg before following the angel. “Cass!”

Y/n followed him up the hill, lecturing him as they went. “If you remember, then you know you did the best you could at the time.”

“Don’t defend me. I hurt you. Do you have any idea the death toll in heaven? On earth?” Nothing seemed to slow him down. “We didn’t part lovers, or even friends, Y/n.”

“So what?” She argued, throwing her arms up.

“I deserved to die.” Cass held her gaze.

Y/n bit the inside of her cheek. She knew he was right. He did deserve to die. But not him. Just the corrupt part. Maybe this did it. Maybe he’d be okay now.

“Now, I can’t possibly fix it… So why did I even walk out of that river?”

“Maybe to fix it.” She argued. An idea popped into her head. It may be dumb, it may not even be helpful, but it’d at least maybe bring back a part of the Cass she knew.

[linkspooky]

Scummy Heroes are to Blame

My Hero Academia has always been about this idea. In a literal society of heroes, there are people who do not get saed. Even though the literal job of heroes is to save people, heroes have become not much more than a militant branch of the police force in hero society under the thumb of the hero commission. 

This conflict comes to a head in Dabi, Twice, and Hawks who are all three of them people who weren’t saved by heroes. 

1. A Society Where Heroes Don’t Save People

Most of the heroic characters on their side of the story have a very vague idea of what a hero is, almost like that’s thematic or something. There seems to be two types, heroes who save people, and heroes who defeat villains, with the latter being the more popular one. However, there have been a couple of moments that idealize what a hero should be. 

Both Mirio and Deku say that a hero should always act to save a crying little girl in front of them. 

Twice says that someone who helps their friends can’t possibly be a bad guy. These are simple heroic ideals that we see Hawks a heroic character completely fail to live up to in the coming chapters. 

Twice is hardly acting like a villain in this scenario. He’s acting nothing like the threat to hero society that Hawks imagined him to be with his great ability to create almost an entire army of duplicates with his quirk. He is crying, and begging for help, like a person would. 

Hawks is faced with a person crying because someone they trusted, and wanted to be friends with and treated like a person betrayed them, and used them as a tool to complete their bojective all along. Hawks is faced with not a villain, but a victim. 

Hawks is, slaughtering copies of the true companions that Twice does everything for. Attacking a person who is helpless and crying out in frustration. Coldly deciding to kill someone who says out loud that the only reason they want to fight is for the happiness of their friends. 

In a traidtional sense Twice is the one fighting with Nakama power, and Hawks is the character who the power of Nakama has failed to reach and is instead  cutting those same friends down. Despite the fact that Twice is a terrorist and a murderer, and Hawks is a hero who has wholly dedicated his life to saving others the framing of the situation has been entirely flipped. It’s Hawks who looks like the villain, and Twice who looks like the hero struggling to fight for his friends. 

This is where the nuance of the series kicks in. Hero and villains are not strictly defined roles, they’re only called that because hero society dictates they are. 

One of the first things that Shigaraki says in the series is that heroes using violent suppression in order to defeat villains is just something that creates more violence in the end. Something which All Might pointedly refuses to listen to, accusing Shigaraki of just being a bad person who enjoys violence. Ironically this is something Shigaraki is utterly dehumanized by and accused of over, and over, and over again.

However as we learn more of Shigaraki’s story we learn that Shigaraki was a kid with heroic ambitions, who was failed by society at every level. The reason he’s violent is because he was exposed to violence again and again as a kid, his violent impulses were literally beaten into them. 

The black and white morality of hero society blames victims for falling, and then insists the reason that they fell in the first place was because they were bad people. Hero society again and again intentionally lets people fall and then villainizes them rather than sympathizing with them as victims. 

If you fall its entirely on your own, and also a sign of your character. You have to get back on your feet on your own merits. If you fail to make it back into society than it’s not the fault of society, you’re just a bad person for becoming a victim in the first place. 

Mirio and Deku both believe that you should always help a crying girl in pain like Eri, but at the same time if they had not saved her at that exact moment, if they had let her grow up like Shimura Tenko grew up, to develop violent tendencies, to act like anything other than the perfect crying victim then she would have been left behind the same way Shimura was, the same way Twice is at this exact moment. 

In a society overflowing with heroes, there are people who are ignored and do not get saved. Shimura Tenko as a five year old, wonder if it’s his fault for killing his family that no one came to save him. Already by that time he’s internalized the idea that a bad child like him doesn’t deserve to get saved. 

Twice even says the same as well. In hero society only the good and the virtuous get saved. People like twice who are broken are left behind and forgotten, because it’s more convenient for society to function that way. 

I relate this idea to Albert Camus, the fall. A book that explores the idea of who is guilty for society, and comes to the conclusion that everyone is guilty. 

The Fall operates on the premise that all are guilty. This is indeed a classic argument for Camus, but the narrator of this novel goes so far as to suggest that all men are murderers, even if only by accident or through negligence (like not saving others from death). Since the novel was written in the aftermath of WWII, this is a particularly poignant argument. This sort of "universal guilt" makes any attempt at judgment completely hypocritical. A guilty man condemning another man of guilt is absurd by nature.

Everyone who participates in society creates it actively. I’ll explore this idea with Hawks more in a minute, but related to who is responsible for hero society it’s important to look at the conflict of heroes and villains. The heroes themselves blame the villains for all the ills of hero society. However, it’s important to remember who holds all the power. Sure, there are outliers like Re-Destro who are corporate millionaires with a vast infleunce, but for the most part all of the ruling power in society belongs to the heroes. While the villains are for the most part, homeless people, outlaws, with little resources or influence of society as a whole. Villains are outcasted and blamed for society, despite being you know... outcasts, people outside of society.

Which is why Villains themselves will always be nothing more than a symptom. Even the League of Villains themselves is just a rebellion. They’re not rebelling for the hell of it, they were created in direct response to problems already presence in society, and they demand that society address those problems. The ones who hold the real power over a corrupt system are heroes, villains are always going to be reactionary to that corrupt system. Sure, the answer might not be ‘destroy the entirety of society to make it better’, but the League are also the only people trying to do anything. Only the outsiders and the outcasts seem to be aware that something is wrong in the first place, because they’re the most directly affected by it. 

So, like Camus we are asked to consider who is really responsible for the fall of society? 

2. Twice and Hawks, to be an individual or member of society.

Which is why the way Hawks acts the past two chapters is so unheroic, even in accordance of the very loose ideas of what the story set up as what a hero is. Hawks isn’t trying to save Twice. He’s trying to save himself, his own cosncience, because he thinks it’s wrong to kill a “good person” like Twice. He’s acting to save Twice with no regards of what Twice’s wants and needs are. 

Rather than try to understand and sympathize with Twice, Hawks approaches him using his entire identity as a hero as a wall between them. He acts in the role of a hero, I am going to capture you the villain and put you in jail. Hawks makes this impersonal as possible and sinks into the role of being a hero, while Twice is still acting as Twice the person. 

However, Hawks only cares about saving Twice. Because Twice is the one he dubs as a good person and therefore worthy of being saved. He doesn’t care enough to empathize with the rest of the league, even though Twice cares more about his friends than his life. 

Which is what Twice explicitly calls out. That Hawks is not acting like a hero in this situation. He’s not acting selflessly. He’s not trying to save anyone. He’s only acting in ways that satisfy himself. Hawks is acting to reinforce his incorrect world view, that he has to be the one who makes sacrifices for the sake of a faceless majority, even if that person they’re sacrificing is crying and begging in front of them. 

Twice brings up the idea that Toga despite being a killer out for blood is also a person who was incredibly kind to him in a moment of weakness. Which is something we the reader know, that all of the members of the league of villains, violent as they are are still people, who are capable of both good an bad. Most of the league members didn’t even fall becausethey were bad, but because of abusive circumstances, parental abuse for Toga, Shigaraki,  failure of the social safety net in Twice’s case, victim of societal prejudgice in Spinner’s case. 

What Twice suggests is that all of these people that hero society leaves behind are still capable of good, capable of selflessness. Shigaraki is again and again called one of the most violent characters in the series who only cares about destroying for its own sake, and yet he’s the one who gave Twice a home. 

The league faces this accusation constant times. That the reason they do crime is because they’re bad people, that they don’t think about how other people feel at all, that’s the only explanation for why they would strike out against society. 

And time and time again we’re shown the opposite is the case. Dabi thinks about the heroes he’s killed so much he feels himself slowly going insane. Shigaraki feels such intense remorse for killing his family in what was a total accident, that not only does he take all the blame on himself for years, but he also purposefully triggers himself with their dead hands so he’ll never escape from the guilt of killing them. These are all people fully aware of the bad they are committing underneath their actions, but also who believe otherwise that they have no choice but to do these bad things. 

The league of villains has to rebel, because the response of hero society to all of their damage has always been the same thing. Exactly what Hawks does this chapter. 

Shut up and take it. Hawks is telling Twice to lie down and stop fighting against him because 1) he doesn’t want to kill Twice and it would be easier on his conscience, and 2) this is what Hawks has always done. 

Hawks always chooses to sacrifice himself. He always chooses the good of society over what he personally wants. He’ll always choose the worst option for himself if it means he can do better for others. Hawks in the face of Twice’s individualist rebellion can’t really handle it, because Hawks has never fought back against his own shackles of society. 

His plan has always been if he does everything the hero commission tells him to do then... that will somehow help him achieve his society where heroes have more freedom and agency in their lives. I’ve been over Hawks’ backstory a few times, but it makes sense for Hawks to be caught in this negative feedback loop. He’s been conditioned to fight all alone and achieve everything on his own by sacrificing himself his entire life, he’s basically had the ideals of a self sacrificing hero forced onto him. His personality has been intentionally molded to heroics, the same way that Shigaraki was molded to become a villain.

Which is why when Hawks gets someone who genuinely sympathizes with him and treats him like a person, and suggests to hawks something that he has never heard in his entire life, that he can rely on other people, that he can trust other people, that he can let other people help him Hawks genuinely does not get it. 

He chooses to fall back on what his abusers have taught him, rather than to trust Twice’s genuine good will. Which is once again common abuse victim behavior, a lot of abuse victims regress and fall into bad patterns because their abuse is what they know, whereas healthy relationships and boundaries are unknown to them. 

Twice even says so, that Hawks actions are pitaible here. How sad is it that hero or villain, nobody in the world trusts Hawks? He doesn’t have a friend on either side now, and he’s trying to kill the one person who sympathized with him genuinely as a person because Hawks doesn’t know what to do with that sympathy, or escape the cage he’s been trapped in his entire life. 

The difference between Hawks and Twice is that while they have both been wronged by society, Twice fights back with his legitimate grievance against society, whereas Hawks will never fight back. He chooses to let himself suffer if that means that the faceless majority will be spared his suffering. It seems like Hawks is making the sefless choice here, but in choosing not to fight back he’s also repeating the evils of hero society. 

You can see it in his monologue to Twice. The one hero that Hawks idealizes the most, is one of the most abusive members of hero society. An abuser who did to his own children what he hero commission did to Hawks. Hawks holds up to an ideal the most toxic element of hero society, the idea that heroics is just numbers. Hawks runs his hero agency the exact same way Endeavor does, efficiency, above all else, it’s just Hawks cares more about saving people and Endeavor cares more about catching villains and resolving cases. His ideal hero is somebody impersonal like Endeavor, who puts efficiency and speed above all else. Hawks’ goal is to be the most effecitve tool possible.

In Hawks’ choice to side with hero society however, we see him passively repeating the abuse that was done to him. 

Hawks encourages Endeavor of all people to train his interns hard. Because the hero commission is planning to use a bunch of fifteen year olds as their backup in case their main plan fails. Which means Hawks is actively encouraging what was done to him, (being robbed of his childhood and raised as a child soldier solely for the purpose of being a hero) to be done to the UA students as well. He doesn’t really interact well with Bakugo, someone who is also a child prodigy who has been affected all of their lives due to the fact that he had a quirk suited for being a hero. 

By choosing to passively do what he’s told, Hawks ends up perpetuating Hero Society’s ills. Hawks’ offer to Twice isn’t really one that will genuinely save him (ie guaranteeing the safety of him and all of his friends if they stop violently resisting) but rather he offers Twice the chance to conform so he can fit in with society’s ideals. Just like Hawks always takes the choice to conform himself rather than try to be an individual in any way. 

Which is why we finally get to Twice’s accusation. That Hawks isn’t acting heroic. He’s not trying to save the person in front of him that’s crying and begging for help. 

Why does Dabi get the jump on Hawks? It’s because Hawks’ wings aren’t meant to be used as weapons like this. he always trained himself so that his feathers could hear even the faintest cries for help. Suddenly Twice is literally screaming for help in front of him, and Hawks ignores him. He’s no longer acting like a hero, and so therefore his wings that can hear anything are now deaf, just like Hawks is trying to be by repressing everything else but his mission. 

3. Dabi and Hawks 

Once again there’s a point of foiling here. Twice and Hawks are both loners to their respective organizations. Dabi never tells other people what his intentions are and he acts with a begrudging sense of teamwork at best. 

As much as Dabi complains that he doesn’t care about Shigaraki’s backstory, that he doesn’t want to play friends with the rest of the league, he still in the end gives his absolute all in the fight against Deka City, and fights to the point where he’s literally burning himself alive on the inside because the elague asked him to. 

Hawks and Dabi are by nature very two faced people. They are both made up of two individuals, the person they present to the world and everyone around them, and then their real self which they choose to keep hidden. 

They are also total opposites in how they present themselves. Dabi acts like he’s callous and cold on the surface. He pretends to be someone who enjoys killing, when Snatch accuses him of being behind a string of murders he basically laughs it off. 

However, we’re shown in private that he’s the opposite of his public persona. Rather than someone who can laugh off what he’s done, and enjoys being a villain he thinks about what he’s done so much, with so much remorse that he feels himself going crazy. This is the opposite of how Hawks shows himself. In public Hawks is a very likable, carefree guy, who is totally dedicated to saving other people. Whereas when he reveals what is his “true self” in front of Twice, he plays the role of ruthless villain the same way that Dabi does with snatch. He even goes so far as to taunt Twice for trusting him. 

The way they both present themselves is totally reversed, Hawks plays the good guy while deep down he considers himself to be the conniving bad guy. Dabi plays the bad guy while deep down he considers himself to be a very conscience heavy person who knows what he’s doing is wrong but is trying to accomplish some kind of good. 

There’s a reason that Hawks’ entire face is shown in shadow in this cene. Hawks is incredibly repressed. He represses his ruthless side, in order to play not only the hero, but the helpless tool of the hero commission. The reason he’s shown in shadow is because his repressed side is coming out. All of his cold caluclation, the fact that he doesn’t trust a single person, all of these are traits that Hawks himself is unaware of but are nonetheless part of who he is as a person. 

Dabi expresses what Hawks represses. Hawks has all the bad traits under the surface to appear good, Dabi wears all of his bad traits on the surface to appear bad. They really are inversions of one another, and they’re also both fixated around the ideal of heroes. 

There’s a lot of debate over whether Hawks or Dabi gave the narration line “It’s the fault of us scummy heroes” it actually doesn’t matter who said it, the reason it was drawn over both of them is because it applies to both of them. Hawks and Dabi are both people who were failed by, and even manipulated by scummy heroes in their life, Dabi by Endeavor, and Hawks by the Hero Commission. When Hawks even admits that heroes were not what he thought they were, and he feels trapped and used by them to Twice the image that appears in his mind is Endeavor’s back turning away from them. 

Dabi and Hawks have been wronged by heroes, and raised and molded to be heroes as child soldiers and they both keep this idealized image of a way heroes should act in their heart. However, both of them have completely opposite responses, Dabi rebels, and Hawks submits. 

They have opposite reactions to their abuse, Dabi externalizing by trying to change the world around him (persecuting scummy heroes who don’t fit his stadndards) and Hawks internalizes he tries to change the world by changing himself. Dabi punishes others for not reaching the ideal of perfect hero that he holds, whereas Hawks tries to change himself and tries to become the perfect hero that is always selfless, and always chooses to save the most people possible. 

Neither of these are healthy choices, and both of them are destructive. You can’t even argue that Hawks’ choices only harm himself anymore, because we see him literally choosing to murder a person that is crying and begging in front of him, because he’s convinced himself he doesn’t have any choices in this situation. Just because you don’t make a choice for yourself doesn’t mean you’ll never harm someone, in fact your refusal to act on your own will can lead you to do something you don’t want to do and being unable to stop yourself which is clearly the case for Twice and Hawks. 

The one difference between Dabi and Hawks however, is the people surrounding them. Dabi is antisocial, always acts like he’s not a member of the group, and yet the people around Dabi choose to trust him anyway. 

Hawks and Dabi say a lot of things about who they are, but then reveal who they are in their actions. This too, is where they are inverses of each other. Dabi constantly insults his friends, doesn’t act like he’s a part of the group, says he doesn’t trust them, but ultimately when the chips are down Dabi gives his all to fighting with the league of villains. He complains about it the whole time, but he does it. Part of the reason why Dabi ultimately sides with them is because Shigaraki does give Dabi this trust to go off and do his own thing as long as he comes back at the end of the day. 

Dabi could have easily turned out to be someone just like Hawks, not interested in the goals of the League of Villains as a whole, and instead just there to use them for his own benefit. I believe his actions in the latest chapter show that he’s not. Dabi goes out of his way to save Twice, because Twice actually is a comrade to him no matter how much Dabi pretends otherwise. 

Now we don’t know if Dabi ultimately invited Hawks into the league knowing that he would betray them, or what his plans are, but ultimately his actions are the opposite of Hawks. Hawks the hero chooses to kill Twice in this scene. Dabi, the villain chooses to save Twice. Dabi is in a sense fighting for his comrades in this scene, where Hawks is fighting against the idea of camraderie and trust. He even, literally kills the symbols of all of twice’s comrades when he pulls duplicates of them. Hawks and Dabi are very similiar people, but in different environments, Dabi exists in ane environment of trust, Hawks in one where no trust exists, and because of that Dabi is able to make better choices in the moment. 

We see Hawks’ visor shatter in this scene just like it did in the pro hero arc, and it’s important to remember what the signfiicance of that visor shattering means. His visor is basically his mask he wears at all time. The thought he expresses when his visor shatters is what is underneath the mask, that he’s not good enough. 

Hawks decision to always sacrifice comes from his own sense of inferiority. He doesn’t feel like he’s enough to save the people he wants to save. The reason he doesn’t try sincerely to save Twice is because he doesn’t think he can. His self worth is so abysmally low. The reason that Hawks doesn’t try to fight back, to try to be a person, to do what he wants which is clearly not to hurt Twice is because Hawks himself has never been in an environment that sees him as a person. 

Which is why Dabi gets the upper hand on him. Hawks can make plans, he can act as ruthlessly as possible, but you can’t suppress yourself to the extent that Hawks does. Everything that’s suppressed will eventually come out. If suppression worked, Dabi wouldn’t have half of his body burned off, Twice wouldn’t be split in two, and Himiko wouldn’t have gone crazy with blood lust. What Hawks was suppressing was how much he did not want to hurt Twice in that moment. He wasn’t being true to who he really was, and what he wanted, and as Dabi calls him out for sentiment tripped him up.

What Hawks needs to do is ironically, not learn to be a better hero, but learn to be like Dabi. If he would only allow himself to be true to himself then he would have been able to save Twice in that moment. Hawks, Twice, Dabi, all three of them are good people but the current hero society doesn’t allow them to be good. They all have to learn to fight against society to be the individuals they want to be. 

[sillyrabbit81]

Her Heavy Cross

Summary: Three years after tragedy hits, Lana she decides to start dating again. She meets Will through a dating app and they begin an online romance. After months of constant requests, Lana relents and agrees to meet and go on an irl date with Will. But is Will who he says he is? Lana is quickly pulled into an intense relationship forcing her to confront her tragic past. Will Lana face it or will she close her heart forever?

Pairing: OMC x OFC (Female and Male POV)

Word Count: approx 3.3k

Warnings: swearing, smut,

Authors Note: The story started as a Henry Cavill fanfiction but I changed it to be an original character, but shades of Henry are still there. Hope you enjoy the story and thanks for reading.

Part 19

Part 20 Final Chapter

Liam and I took it easy for the next couple of days. We spent some time with Perrin and Cole, taking them for walks and making sure they were getting along.

We watched Inglourious Basterds in Liam's theatre room, which was amazing. It was like being in an actual movie theatre. The dimmed lights and sound system made the experience great. Liam cooked me dinner. We even played Scrabble a few times. We were pretty evenly matched, so the games were competitive. We worked out. We fucked. We made love.

On Saturday morning, I woke with a sore neck. I prayed it was just a strained muscle from working out but the stress I was under during the week tended to catch up with me on a Saturday. By about 4 pm, the left side of my head started pounding, and my eyes became sensitive to light. Every sound in the house felt like screaming in my ears, and I wanted to throw up. I would have cried if I didn't already know how much worse it would make it my migraine.

I told Liam I had to go to bed. Even though my migraines were terrible, I was lucky I could usually treat them with some codeine and a few hours of sleep. They rarely last more than six hours. Liam was lovely about it. He insisted on helping me get changed for bed, and he even went and got me a cold washcloth for my head. He laid in bed with me until I fell asleep.

I woke up around 11 pm feeling groggy, but the migraine had gone. I got out of bed and went looking for Liam.

I found him asleep on the lounge under a blanket downstairs. It looked like he had planned to sleep there all night. Perrin was curled up on the blanket between Liam's legs, and Cole laid on the floor in front of the couch. Cole looked up when I came in, rubbing himself against my legs like a cat and nudging my hand for a pat. Perrin's ears came up, and his tail wagged but didn't move. Lazy old Dog.

I knelt in the spot Cole had been. Liam looked so much younger asleep, almost like a boy, since he had started shaving. Apparently, his character is clean-shaven a lot of the time, so he will be switching between being shaved and unshaved depending on filming. I didn't want to startle him, so I ran my fingers through his hair until he started to wake. Liam stretched a bit before opening his eyes, and he looked so cute doing so I almost pinched his cheeks. Perrin finally got up, realising his warm spot was compromised.

"Hey, Sweetheart," he said and looking at his watch. "Are you ok? do you need anything?"

I smiled at him and shook my head. "Just you," I said.

Liam smiled one of his full Hollywood smiles. He takes my breath away when he does that. "How's your head?"

"I haven't had any complaints," I said, winking. I think I've watched Drag Race too many times.

Liam chuckled and shook his head at me. "And you certainly won't get any from me." He said, getting up. Kissing my forehead, he said, "I'm glad you're feeling better."

I took his hand and pulled him towards the elevator. Like the gentleman he is, he pretended I was able to pull him.

We get in bed, Liam on his back and me with my head on his chest. He stroked my hair, trying to lull me to sleep. I always find it difficult to sleep at night if I have a nap in the afternoon. I was content to breathe my calming breaths and not worry about forcing the sleep I knew would eventually come.

Since sleep was alluding me, I asked Liam, "are you nervous about tomorrow?"

"Meeting your family?" I nodded. He shrugged, "a little. It's been a while since I've been introduced to the family. A couple of years, actually. But I'm mostly looking forward to it." He gave me a quick kiss. "What about you?"

"After Thursday, I don't know if I'll be nervous about anything again." Liam chuckled. "I'm a little concerned about my mum. But I'm excited about you meeting the kids. I wonder if they will recognise you."

"Sometimes, kids do. Other times they say that's not him. He doesn't have a cape." I chuckled. Liam didn't speak for a while, so I tried letting Liam's breaths rock me to sleep. Then he spoke again, "Do you want kids?"

"You know, I do," I replied. We had spoken about it when we first started talking. Not wanting kids had been a deal-breaker for both of us. It was one of the first questions he had asked once we had gotten past the superficial talk. I looked at him, puzzled. "Why?"

"When you first told me about your contraception, I thought with my dick, so naturally, I was excited about not having to wear a condom." Liam's lip twitched, "Having said that, I wouldn't mind seeing you put a condom on me again." I rolled my eyes and indicated he should keep talking. "But then I thought you got that thing put in when you were still with Andy. If it's none of my business, that's fine. I had just been thinking about it, is all."

"You're wondering why I would use such a long-lasting contraception when I was married and wanted kids."

He nodded. "That sums it up."

"Well, several reasons. I had to replace the one I had. It had expired. Second, I have Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, and one symptom is very irregular periods. I was always scared I was pregnant. I could go months without a period, and when I did, they were hell. I would get migraines for weeks, mood swings from being happy to almost suicidal throughout my cycle. When the period came, there was bad cramping and back pain, joint pain, fatigue. So, I had my first implant when I was 20."

"That sound's awful, Sweetheart."

"Yup. I got the last one put in instead of trying for kids because I was 26. Yes, Andy and I wanted kids, but we wanted to wait a few more years, pay more off the house, grow up a bit." Liam nodded.

I was surprised that talking to him about Andy in such intimate detail didn't make me start crying. I still felt sad and missed him, but it was different now. There was a fondness to the thoughts rather than the fear and guilt that would usually arise. Anthea had been right. I had to talk with Andy and be honest with him about how I felt. As if verbalising how I felt to Andy, wherever he was in the universe, eased the guilt I was feeling. It made me realise that it wasn't wrong or selfish to seek love again. It was what made life special, sharing your life with someone else.

Liam was looking with furrowed brows. "Are you ok?" He asked.

I wondered if I should tell him what I was thinking. Would he be interested? Would it be weird for him to hear about Andy? In some ways, Andy had always been the elephant in the room. He was mentioned in passing, but other than last Friday, I hadn't told him anything meaningful about him or how I felt. He had been right when we argued, Andy was a shadow that loomed over the relationship, and that was my fault. I decided to be honest.

"Yeah, I am." I gave him a half-smile and said, "I spoke to Anthea, my mother-in-law, on Tuesday." Liam's face was unreadable. Too late to stop now. I kept going. "I wanted her to hear from me that we were dating before it was official. It turns out she already knew. She was cool about it, happy for me. I was surprised by her response, and I thought she would think it was a betrayal. But she said I should talk to Andy, and I would feel better."

Liam still wasn't showing me what he was thinking. His face was stoic. I thought again, I should stop. "Keep going," he said, his voice not much louder than a whisper.

"So I visited Andy and told him about how I was feeling. I told him about you and how I felt about you. It seemed to work like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt free."

Liam was quiet for a while. I could almost see him arranging his thoughts. After a while, he said, "it seems the only one who makes you feel guilty is you."

"I think that was true, but not anymore," I said. "Are you upset I told you that? Is it... I don't know... tmi?"

Liam gave me a half-smile, "no, Lana. I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you did that. Not just for me, but for you."

"Then why were you looking at me like that?"

Liam's smile was full now. "Because I thought you were going to break my heart. Instead, you told me something private and because you wanted to. Not because I forced you or put you in a position where you had no choice. It makes me believe you may care about me as much as I care about you."

I cupped his face in my hands and looked deeply into his eyes, so he knows what I'm saying is true. "Liam, I do care about you. I don't think anyone else could have opened my heart. I was ready to go the rest of my life alone. If it weren't for you, I would never have taken those final steps to move on. For being the catalyst I needed, I will always be thankful for you and care about you."

Liam POV

Lana held my face in her hands. Her green eyes shined in the dim light of my bedroom as she spoke to me. "Liam, I do care about you. I don't think anyone else could have opened my heart. I was ready to go the rest of my life alone. If it weren't for you, I would never have taken those final steps to move on. For being the catalyst I needed, I will always be thankful for you and care about you."

My heart stopped a moment before it started to thunder in my chest. Lana so rarely bared her soul to me. She dropped hints sometimes, said little things to make me believe she could love me. But too often she was closed off when things get too intimate or too real.

She had changed so much since I first spoke to her, yet somehow she was still the same. She was kind and generous. I picked up on that early. That she was so funny and witty was something that she was slow to reveal but was a joy to watch. Watching her start to open her soul to me was beautiful. To see her courage and strength as she pushed through her grief was inspiring. That she saw enough in me to want to go through all she went through was humbling.

I loved her. I was desperate to tell her. I almost told her so many times. But my fear kept me from saying it. I didn't want to scare her off. I knew now she has to set the pace. She will be ready when she's ready and I will be there when she is.

Lana kissed me, and my body lit up. Her lips were like a match igniting a fire that travelled through my whole body. I instantly grew hard and needed her. I kissed her back, my tongue licking at her lips, urging her to open for me. When she did, I was lost, and all control left me. I needed to be in her.

My tongue entered her mouth, and her taste reminded me of apples and honey. She tasted so sweet to me. I wanted to taste her everywhere. I rolled her onto her back, reminding myself not to throw her around too roughly. She could take a lot of punishment, but I was still careful.

I sought Lana with my hands, pulling off the underwear that separated me from her. I put my hand between her legs, and my fingers parted her. I groaned when I felt how wet she was already, and I had to taste her. I moved between her legs as she opened them wide for me.

I put two fingers inside her, and my cock ached. "You're so warm, Lana," I told her, and she moaned, arching her back, her hips moving as I fucked her with my fingers. She was so responsive to my touch, and I loved watching her every movement. Her body moved in the most spectacular ways, writhing and seeking her pleasure.

I couldn't wait any longer for a taste, so leaving my fingers inside her, I let my tongue find her clit. When her taste hit my tongue, I hummed with delight. Lana's fingers slid into my hair as she pushed me into her and her hips rocked as she grinds herself on my tongue. God, she was so sexy. I wanted to stay here forever, watching her and listening to her moan. I ran my hand up her hips to her tiny waist. Feeling her hips under her soft skin was so erotic. I needed to fuck her, but she needed this first.

Lana started panting, her moans became short cries as she exhaled and I knew she didn't have long. I felt her walls close in on my fingers as she started to cry out my name, begging me not to stop. As if I would deny her this. As if I would deny her anything.

When Lana came, she was beautiful. Her eyes closed hard, her body convulsed, and her thighs trembled. Then she did this thing where she throws her head forward, and her body almost curls into a ball, and I know she's finished. Even when she's standing up she does it, I almost dropped her the first time. It's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen.

I lapped at her one more time, taking one last taste. She shuddered and tried to close her legs, giggling. She smiled at me, and my heart melted, but my cock was in pain. I needed to have her.

I kissed her, and she licked at me, tasting herself. She drives me wild when she does that. I felt like an animal, my careful control was gone, and I pushed my cock into her. She was so wet and tight, her body moulded around my cock, taking me all in, holding me so tight I almost came.

"Fuck," I swore into her mouth. Lana bit at my lip, playful, but I knew what that meant. She wanted me, and she didn't want me to be gentle.

I wasn't gentle. There was no way I could be. She had me too worked up, and all I wanted was to own her and claim her as mine forever. I started to thrust into her, her tits bouncing as she takes all I give her. Her lips were parted, and her cheeks were red. Her hair looked like a halo of fire on the sheets. Its vibrance thrilled me. I pushed my self off her and watched as my cock pumped into her. Seeing her stretched around me, I felt my orgasm rise again. Not yet. I wasn't done with her yet. I slowed down.

"Liam," She whispered my name, and there was no stopping it. My body took on a mind of its own, driving itself to release. She cried my name again as I felt my seed rise into me, and ecstasy flowed through me as it pumped into her.

I fell on my side next to Lana and took deep breaths. She gave a hum of contentment and I pulled her into me, hugging her tightly and I felt the surge of love again. She was so beautiful and sweet but so fucking sexy. She made me feel drunk. Even moments after orgasming, I wanted her again. I put my face into her hair, smelling her sweet pomegranate shampoo. Lana hugged me back as she played with my chest hair, and I smiled, she loved to touch me there, and it felt so good when she did.

My mind wandered as she caressed me with her pretty little hands and pink fingernails. The first time she had touched my chest, she had seemed so hesitant and unsure, even looking at me for permission. It had been such a turn-on.

It had been so hard not to fuck her that first night. I did try and seduce her. I knew what effect I had on women. It's hard not to know when you're famous and have women hitting on you all the time. I think I could have, there were a few times there where if I had played my cards right she would have let me. But knowing what I know now, I'm happy I didn't. I'm sure she would have run, and I would never have seen her again.

When she did let me, she had knocked me for six when she bit me. It was almost out of nowhere, and the way she opened up to me after about her desires was amazing. We still had so much to explore, only just getting to know each other sexually. I could tell she was getting more comfortable with it. She was probably going to teach me a thing or two. That thing she did with the condom, I think I almost told her I loved her then. I chuckled.

"What are you laughing at?" Lana asked. Her accent made it sound like she said, "whadcha laughn at?" I don't know why, but her accent excited me, especially when she swore at me. Her mouth was filthy. Maybe it was the combination of her outward elegance and her potty mouth that I liked. It was such an exciting combination.

"Nothing, Sweetheart." I kissed her long neck gently and held her. She seemed to accept it and squeezed me into her.

"I love you, Lana," I said, and my heart stopped. She froze. I don't even think she was breathing. My blood was like ice as my heart started to beat again. Oh, God, I fucked up. I'm going to lose her this time. I wanted to take it back. I was such a fool. Fuck.

Then Lana found my mouth and kissed me. The warmth that spread through my body was such a relief. Her kiss held such sweetness and passion. It was the promise that I needed. She wasn't mad. She wasn't going to run away. I held her close and kissed her back. She didn't have to say it for me to know that she loved me too.

End.

[foronceleavemealone]

Gee, I hope you’re ok

A/N: Again, not very happy with this one. I just wanted to write something for Marcus. I hope someone noticed the sort of pun in the title. But I do strongly recommend seeking medical help if you have any of the symptoms mentioned. I hope this is ok and enjoyable. I apologise for any mistakes

Summary: OC has an intense day and Marcus is there to check up on her.

Pairing: Marcus Pike x OFC (can be read as an insert)

Warnings: metions of vomiting, blood, probably medical inaccuracies, medical tests, fear of death

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She splashed some cold water on her face and grabbed the edge of the sink counter. She stared into her own reflection in the bathroom mirror. Eyes a bit red, not too badly, but you could tell that she either didn’t sleep that well or had a bit of a crying session. The bags under her eyes a little bit more intense than usual. Lips slightly beginning to chap. She stared at herself for a good minute, hands holding the edge of the sink counter so firmly that they began to tremble, knuckles going white. She lowered her head and took a deep breath letting go of the counter. 

She always thought of herself as independent and strong-willed. There were things she had feared in her life, but all of them were met with rationality and the need to improve. But this, this situation felt different. She had not been feeling well for a while. At first she thought that it was simply indigestion from food poisoning, then that it was just stress induced indigestion that would pass. But the longer it went on the worse it got. She started feeling pain in the epigastric region and would be tormented by the urge vomit or vomiting itself. And finally yesterday evening she found blood in her stomach contents. Not a lot, but any amount of blood seemed like the wrong amount of blood to her. She called her her doctor and was told to come in for some tests the next thing in the morning. 

She got ready hands still trembling a little bit. All of the possibilities that she knew of ran through her mind and she almost started crying. For once she wished someone was with her, for once she did curse at her need for independence. 

She calmed herself a little bit when she got outside and took a breath of fresh air. On her way to the hospital she started feeling guilty for missing work. She called in sick and told her boss what was going on, she also texted her partner Marcus to tell him she wasn’t going to tag along the interrogations. He seemed very concerned when he called her early in the morning, asking if she needed any help, if she was feeling ok, questioning the system for making her wait that long, practically begging her to update him when she had the opportunity. Of course she said she’d manage everything on her own and that everything was fine and that she would update him whenever she could. ‘What was I thinking’ she cursed at herself as she headed to the doctor’s office. 

————————————

She felt tired as she got back home. It was the evening and she had not eaten anything all day. Partialy because of the tests she needed to get, partialy because she felt sick. She sat on her couch and rubbed her eyes. She heard her phone vibrate and picked it up. She saw multiple missed calls and tons of texts from Marcus.

‘I really hope you’re ok. Please text me when you get the chance’  read the latest text. 

She felt guilt wash over for the second time that day. She promised she would update him, but forgot. She wrote a small paragraph apologising, telling him that she got home safe and that she’s fine. 

She decided to take a shower and camp out in the living room watching TV. 

————————————

She stepped out of the shower and looked at herself in the mirror the same way she did in the morning. Eyes still a bit red, under eye bags still presents, more than ever, lips surprisingly not as chapped as she thought they would be.

She was staring at herself intensly when she heard the doorbell ring. She quickly put on her robe and went to see who it was. She looked through the spyhole and was surprised to see her partner standing there with some sort of bag in his hands. She speedily opened there door.

“Hey, Marcus. What are you doing here?” she said with a smile forming. She did feel glad to see at least one nice familiar face after such a day.

“Hi. I just brought you some chicken noodle soup, I thought maybe it would make you feel..better.” He eyed her up and down. “Sorry, were you already going to bed?”

“Oh no,” she realised she was standing in front of him with nothing but a robe on “I just took a shower. Come on in” she step to the side making room for him to come inside.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to disturb you, I just wanted to see if you were ok and bring you some food” he said hesitating to step into her home.

“Of course I’m sure. Just get comfy in the living room or the kitchen and I’m going to...get changed.” 

————————————

She did feel a bit embarrassed that her partner saw her like that. Sure they’ve been through thick and thin, and they’ve seen each other in all kinds of circumstances, but this felt different. She was practically flashing him. She brushed off these thoughts, got changed and went back to find Marcus sitting on the living room couch with a few containers, of what she figured was food, sitting on the table.

“Hey you” he noticed her and scooched over.

She sat right next to him. 

“I have some spoons somewhere in here,” Marcus said looking through the same bag he came in with. 

“I’m not really that hungry.” 

He looked at her with concern and (what she figured) pity on his face. 

“Do you still feel sick?” he turned to fully face her.

“Yeah, a little bit” she said with an empty stare at the ground.

“Did they find something... bad?” he gulped.

“It could be worse. It’s just gastritis, and well my esophagus is inflammed too. They found an ulcer during the endoscopy, but they treated it. So now I just have to take some meds and after a while I should be fine” 

“Sounds intense” he paused trying to take everything in. It did seem like a lot to him. “But I’m glad that you’re going to be ok” he put his hand on her knee and caressed it.

She felt warmth wash over her body. His touches always seemed to do that to her. 

“I’m sorry I left the interrogations all to you,” she put her hand on his. Despite the warmth she felt from his touch her skin was cold.

“Are you joking? You’re sick, you have nothing to apologise for. Your health matters a lot more than any kind of work. Besides, you didn’t miss out on anything spectacular, we didn’t pin anyone to the case.” he took her hand into his trying to warm it up a little bit.

She let her guard down. She would have tried to somehow get out of the hand holding situation since it made her more flustered than she would have wanted, but this time she didn’t fight it. It did feel nice to get some warmth after such a day. 

“Thank you for checking up on me” she got a bit closer to him. 

“Anytime. I do care about you. A lot actually” Marcus smiled and blushed a little bit caressing her now warm hand.

They looked up at each other. 

Marcus felt relief that she was ok, safe and sound. He did come over not only to simply check up on her, but also because he missed her. Without her the office seemed just empty and all kinds of wrong. He could not focus the whole day, checking his phone to see if she had left him a message or if he had missed any calls. 

She felt a sense of calmness. She felt so scared the whole day, fearing for her life, all alone. But now she was with him, with Marcus, who made her heart race a bit faster, her smile a little bit bigger, her day a whole lot better. 

“Could you... stay a little bit longer?” she said with tears suddenly welling up in her eyes.

He furrowed his eyebrows a bit out of concern.

“Of course I can. Is everything ok?” he placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I just..” she didn’t know what exactly she was doing or saying “I felt so terrified. And...alone.” It felt like all of the built up tension of the day’s events finally caught up to her and she let out a sob.

His heart broke into so many pieces seeing her cry. He leaned over and hugged her. 

“You always seem so strong... you always take things on on your own. I don’t want you to endure pain by yourself,” he said and caressed her back a little bit. “ It’s ok. It’s ok.”

She let out a few more sobs into Marcus’ chest. He felt so upset, so upset that he didn’t help her. His eyes also filled with tears, but he held them off when she pulled away a bit. 

“I’m sorry I...”

“You don’t need to apologise for anything” Marcus cupped her face rubbing small circles with his thumbs on her cheeks. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Everything’s ok”

She felt comfort in his eyes, in his touch, in his kiss. A tiny smile formed on her face as she found his hands and gave them a small squeez of thankfulness.

“You know, I think I saw they were showing reruns of some old movies” she pointed at the TV.

“Oh, you know they’re my favourite” Marcus said as his eye lit up from her words.

She grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, finding the channel that was showing Roman Holiday. They both got comfortable on the couch. And she didn’t even notice how she leaned over to rest her head on Marcus’ shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her.

“Thank you, Marcus” she patted his thigh. 

“Always,” Marcus found her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers and gave her a little squeeze. “Always.”

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Twenty

Robyn sighed as she carefully made up the bed then plopped down to catch her breath. The kids were asleep but Chris was still up doing work for when he returned back to work. He had agreed that it was time for him to move back into their bedroom but she was really worried about whether that’s what he wanted to do. They hadn’t slept in the same bed in weeks and she was concerned whether it would be awkward for them.

“Babe, you up?” Chris called out as he made his way to their bedroom. Robyn turned towards the doorway just as he appeared, “hey you. How’s work going?”

“It’s going. You ok? I thought you’d be asleep by now.”

“I needed to change the bedding and stuff. You alright?”

“I’m good. I think I’m done for the night.”

“Oh. Just coming to say goodnight then?”

“I thought I was moving back in here unless plans have changed.”

“ Huh? No. I just didn’t- never mind.”

“You thought I changed my mind?”

“I didn’t think you were gonna do it anyway.”

Chris chuckled lightly as he walked over and sat down beside her, “I thought we were working on trusting each other.”

“We are. I just didn’t want to rush you into anything. It’s only been a week or so since we’ve started hashing things out.”

“We can hash things and still share a bedroom.”

“I know.”

Chris slipped his arm around her shoulder and hugged her close to him. Robyn kissed his chin before resting her head against his chest, “you drive me crazy but I love it.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“You still do. How was lunch with Mel?”

“It was good. I liked getting out of the house.”

“I’m glad. I’ve still been a little worried about you being isolated here.”

“I’m isolated for medical reasons and I’ve learned to accept that and adjust. My life is just gonna be different for a while, that’s all.”

“How’s the business going?”

“Good. Mel and I dropped in on the shelter while we were out. We hired another on-call doctor to help with the increased business but other than that not much has changed.”

“Beverly enjoying being the boss?”

“She’s always thought she was, now she just getting the pay too.”

Chris laughed, “gonna be hard to talk her down once you go back.”

“I think I’d let her stay vet director and just be the doctor for a change. I can’t handle the stress of patients and paperwork.”

“Oh, that sounds great.”

“If having a five minute argument with you had me passing out, I don’t think dealing with vendors and donors is gonna be too good for my health either.”

“Understandable. You sound a little winded, do you need your inhaler?”

“Please.”

Chris reached into the nightstand and handed the item to her. Robyn pumped on the trigger two times before inhaling deeply. She handed the inhaler back to Chris and he put it back in the drawer, “Sorry.”

“What you apologizing for?”

“I’m sure having to take care of a sick girlfriend, a toddler and a newborn wasn’t in your plans when we got back together.”

“No but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“We’re being open here, you don’t have to say the ‘right’ thing.”

“I’m not. Listen, having you back in my life in general was not something I ever thought would happen. Being in a relationship with you and having a baby, double miracles in my book so I am happy to take on whatever I need to because this happened.”

“Don’t start making me be all mushy.”

Chris chuckled, “Don’t start crying or I might have to get your inhaler back out.”

Robyn laughed as she leaned into his chest, “I have a feeling I’m never gonna get rid of that thing.”

“There’s always room for things to get better. Do you feel like your legs are getting better?”

“Yea, I can stand a little longer so I guess the physical therapy is working. I still got months to go unfortunately.”

“What’s so unfortunate about it?”

“Us can’t do us things because I can’t physically handle it. I’m not trying to have a seizure while we fucking. Too weird.”

Chris laughed, “Robyn, the last thing I’m worried about is sex. As long as I can wake up to you, I’m good.”

“Here you go being all perfect again.”

“What would you like me to say, Babe?”

“I don’t know. Just stop being so good because it makes me wanna fuck you and I can’t.”

Chris kissed her temple as he wrapped his arms around her, “Woman, I love you so much, you know that?”

“I love you too. You’re really gonna stay in here with me tonight?”

“Tonight and every night after.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

“Can you do me a favor?”

“Whatever you need.”

Robyn smiled up at him, “stop being so sweet. Anyway, can you check my stitches for me?”

“Of course. Is the kit where I left it last?”

“Yea. I’ve been trying to keep it clean but I don’t know if I’ve been doing a good job because I can’t really see it.”

“That’s not an issue, Sweetie. You could’ve asked me to do this a long time ago, you know?’

“I was embarrassed. I still am but since we’re being open, I’m rolling with it right now.”

“I understand. Lay back.”

Chris went to the bathroom to wash his hands and grabbed the little medical kit out the bottom of the sink then went back into the bedroom. Robyn was lying on her back with her shirt pushed up to the underside of her breast. Chris sat the kit on the bed beside her then put on some latex gloves. Carefully he pressed around the sides and top of her belly then moved down towards the spot where the doctor’s had cut her open. He gently pressed against the closed wound, “can you feel that?”

“Yea, I can feel it.”

“Does it hurt?”

“No.”

“No stinging? No sharp pains?”

“None.”

He shined a small flashlight on the area for a second then grabbed a small jar of black/white ointment, “have you been putting this on?”

“Trying to. I don't know how much I’ve actually put on the stitches or just around it.”

“It looks pretty good to me. It doesn't hurt but you’re also not numb and there’s no smell to it. I think you’re good.”

“Ok. Thanks, Babe.”

“You’re welcome.”

He carefully put some ointment on the area before throwing his gloves in the trash and repacking the kit, “you got any other pains in your belly, not just near your stitches?”

“No. I’ve had some stiffness in my neck but that’s usually only in the morning.”

“Have you told your doctor?”

“I mentioned it but it wasn’t that bad really.”

“So you mentioned it but you downplayed it.”

“Kind of.”

“Robyn.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Sweetie, the fact you are still having so many aftereffects is concerning. Nothing is a small thing when it comes to that, ok?”

“I know. I just didn’t feel like having them poking me and sending me for a bunch of tests.”

“What else is bothering you?”

“I’m forgetting stuff more frequently.”

“Things or thoughts?”

“Thoughts. A lot of my memories are fuzzy or missing parts. Sometimes I can’t remember what I did for pockets of time.”

“Robyn, I think you’ve been having mini seizures.”

“What? No. I don’t shake or nothing.”

“Not all seizures require shaking though, the doctor told you that.”

“He did.”

“I think we really need to get you checked out.”

“In the morning, please. I really need to sleep.”

“Tomorrow morning we are going to the hospital, ok?”

“Ok. I promise to cooperate.”

“I don’t want to lose you not just after getting you back.”

Robyn gently palmed his face, “don’t get all melancholy on me. I’ll be fine.”

                                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chris kissed the palm of Robyn’s hand as the doctor hooked her up to an EEG, “you ok?”

“I’m fine,” Robyn replied as she looked up at him, “you’re more nervous than I am.”

“You can tell?”

“Definitely can tell but I appreciate the concern, Baby.”

Chris turned to the doctor, “Will you be able to tell if she’s had any previous seizures?”

“We will attempt to use her last EEG and compare if there has been any changes. There’s no guarantee that we’ll see anything but if she’s been having them often, there should be some kind of abnormality,” Dr. Richardson replied as he carefully checked the placement of the nodes, “it doesn’t hurt a bit and should be over fairly soon.”

After a few minutes, they were sitting in a regular examination room as Dr. Richardson placed her EEG results up on a board beside him, “so, there is definite evidence of prior seizures. Have you ever felt stiff, unable to move, sort of like you're frozen in time?”

“Yes, a few times,” Robyn replied.

“You were having mini focal seizures. People often don’t categorize them as seizures because there’s not always shaking or twitching involved. When this begins to happen postpartum, the usual cause is eclampsia. They are also contributing to your respiratory issues as well.”

“Oh. Does it affect memory?”

“Yes, it does. We may need to change the anti-seizure medication you are currently using because it doesn’t seem to be working for you.”

“Do you know how long I’ll have this problem?”

“Usually it only goes on for about six weeks postpartum but seeing as yours has persisted beyond that, we don’t have a clear window on whether your body will completely return to normal.”

“So I’ll be on anti-seizure medication for the rest of my life probably?”

“That is a high possibility.”

“And the respiratory issues?”

“Your respiratory system is stronger than it was, so it seems to have rebounded well. I still want you to take it slow, minimize your stress and continue your physical therapy.’

“Does this happen often?”

“It is rare for a case to be this severe but it does happen. Unfortunately, there’s no definite explanation for why it develops or why it persists longer for some women than others. With monitoring and care, you should be relatively back to normal within a few more weeks outside of the need for medication.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem. You’ve been doing well so keep up the good work but please don’t hesitate in letting me know about any more symptoms, I can’t treat what I don’t know about.”

“I understand.”

“I’m going to write a prescription for a new medication. You are not to take it for a week, I want your system cleared of the last medication before you start this to minimize any complications. I don’t want to set back your progress.”

“Ok.”

“I will notate the date you are to start on the prescription bottle. After about a month, we’ll run a new batch of tests to see if it’s helped. In the meantime, if you have any more symptoms, that includes stiffness, numbness, an altered state of consciousness, inability to move your limbs, feeling like you're frozen, blackouts etc., return to the hospital. I don’t want you to ignore it and it becomes worse and possibly causes a stroke.”

“Yes, Dr. Richardson.”

“You can sit here for a few moments or go to the waiting room while I complete your chart and send your prescription.”

Chris shook the doctor’s hand before he left, closing the door behind him. Chris turned to Robyn, “how are you feeling?”

“Overwhelmed. I didn’t anticipate this after having our baby.”

“It’s a lot to take in but we’ll get through it especially now that we know what to expect going forward.”

“I just wanna go home and lay down.”

“You hungry?”

“No, I’m good.”

Chris helped her down off the table and to stand up straight, “you need your walker?”

“No, I think I can make it without it.”

Chris grabbed the portable walker and folded it up into itself while following Robyn’s slow gait out of the examination room. They sat in the waiting room for a few minutes before they were cleared to leave.

Chris watched as Robyn tucked her feet underneath herself as she sat in a chair on the front porch. The newly installed rocking chair helped as the weather got warmer and the kids wanted to be outside more. She carefully started to rock and Chris had to stop himself from going to her immediately. He knew she was still trying to come to terms with the doctor’s diagnosis. Having your miracle baby but developing serious health problems as the result of it is a lot for a person to handle. His therapist had cautioned him to let Robyn take her time to adjust to any new situation before he rushed in to talk to her about it. Everyone needs their space to think before trying to problem solve. He finished washing the cup he was holding when an idea came to him.

Robyn sighed as she brushed a tear off her face. She didn’t anticipate postpartum life being this hard. A few minutes passed when she heard a knock on the wall beside her. She looked up and Chris smiled at her, “Hey Babe.”

“Hey you. Mind some company? I got hot chocolate and sweet cake.”

Robyn giggled, “my favorite. I guess you can sit out here too.”

Chris set the tray down on the side table while he grabbed a chair from the other side of the porch to sit down.

“How you feeling, Baby?”

“I’m ok. Still wrapping my mind around my new body, I guess but I’m ok.”

“You know you don’t have to put on a front for me. I know this is hard and definitely not either of us anticipated when you got pregnant.”

“Definitely.”

“But you don’t have to suffer through this in silence. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”

“I don’t know how we do this.”

“The same way we do anything else; we adjust, adapt and just do it. Unfortunately, there’s no prewritten playbook for this.”

“I know. It’s just- it’s overwhelming. How are you?”

“I’m good but I’m focused on you. I wish I could tell you I understand how it feels but I’m no woman and I have not given birth so I can’t possibly help in that aspect but I want to help you by making this easier for you to deal with.”

“I don’t know. I’m trying to adjust to the weight, the breathing, the walker, and the seizures all at once.”

“It’s a lot, Sweetheart. I know but you are the strongest woman I know. You’ve made it through so much that I have no doubt if we really give it our best shot, you’ll get through this. You’re not alone in this. Maybe we can approach this the same way we’ve approached getting back to center. One thing at time. Your health is way more important than the whole weight thing right now. Once we get your seizures under control which in turn assists with your breathing, we can worry about that.”

“I guess that would be best. I guess I’ll have to get used to being a size 14 for a while.”

“Which is not a bad thing.”

“You’re only saying that because my butt is bigger.”

Chris playing raised his brows at her and Robyn laughed, “Listen, intercourse may be out of the question for a while but my hands are not broke.”

“Oh my God, Christopher.”

“What? I’m just being honest. I can rub on you a little bit, it can’t hurt.”

“You’re such a troublemaker.”

“I love you.”

“I know. I love you too.”

Chris smiled and leaned over to kiss her lips, “you wanna go on a date with me?”

“We have the kids here.”

“I know. We’re not gonna leave the house but I wanna do something special for you.”

“How?”

“You let me worry about that. Just need a yes or no.”

“Uh yes.”

“Good.”

                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ok, are your eyes closed?”

Robyn chuckled, “does it matter? I have a blindfold on.”

“I’m just checking, Ms. Fenty-Brown,” Chris replied with a laugh, “it’s just a few more steps.”

“I don’t know why I have to be blindfolded, we’re at your house.”

“Our house. And I still want this to be a surprise. You been fussing for the last five minutes.”

“Because I’m anxious. Hurry up.”

Chris carefully guided her to the middle of the backyard before standing behind her and taking the blindfold off, “what you think?”

“Aww Babe, this is beautiful.”

Chris held her waist to keep her steady as she started to walk around. Decorative lanterns were placed inside and outside a large tent with the opening flaps pinned to stay open. Small lights were hung inside the cloth and metal structure as the all white pillows and palettes glowed underneath them.

“Can we go inside?”

“Yea, just hold onto my hand  and i’ll help you get down.”

Robyn kneeled carefully as she held onto Chris’s wrist then slowly crawled inside the tent, “this is so pretty.”

“You like it?” Chris replied as he sat beside her.

“I love it. It’s comfy and relaxing in here.”

“Good.”

“So what else you got up your sleeve?”

“What you mean?”

“I know you and I sense there’s something else going on here.”

“There’s no hidden agenda here, Robyn.”

“I didn’t say it was a hidden agenda, I just think you got something else planned.”

Chris smiled, “it’s not anything like you think, I promise.”

“Ok.”

Chris moved to close the flaps of the tent and shifted to press a button on  a small black box that was situated on a small table behind them. A lens popped up out the top of the box and began to project an image on the white flaps.

“Aww Babe, my favorite movie. This is so cute.”

“I wanted to get the usual movie stuff but I know you can’t eat any of it so...I got this,” Chris grabbed a tray and sat it between them, “so there’s some green tea with honey, some mini sweet cakes and cookies.”

Robyn did a little dance and Chris chuckled, “I’m guessing I did good.”

“You did perfect. I only find these cookies at the airport, where’d you get them?”

“You can order them in bulk online. I found them last week.”

“You even chilled the green tea. You remembered.”

“You’re the only person I know who drinks brewed green tea cold.”

“It just tastes better to me.”

“You ready to watch the movie?”

“Yes. Can you move closer?”

Chris furrowed his brow then moved the tray out the way and scooted closer. Robyn leaned down and put her head in his lap. She grabbed one of his hands to hold it as the movie began to play.  Chris leaned down and kissed her temple before whispering in her ear, “I love you.”

“I love you too, Baby.”

[leviathanswingman]

love is a losing game, chapter 5: at the doctor’s office

Lucifer was sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair in the waiting room of the doctor's office, clad in what could only be described as a mediocre attempt at a disguise. He had swapped his pristine waistcoat and dress shirt combination out for an oversized black hoodie he had borrowed from Beelzebub without asking beforehand. His face was partially covered with a face mask, more so to hide his identity than prevent his fellow demons from catching whatever seemed to be ailing him. After all, Lucifer was a well known face in the devildom. Landing on the front page of some overrated gossip magazine was the last thing he needed at the moment, especially since he had conveniently failed to mention his visit to the doctor's office to anyone who knew him. It would be quite bothersome if they found out from a not so well meaning third party, so the safest option was for him to remain in disguise Lucifer pulled the heavy hood a bit further down to his face as he took note of the other people in the waiting room. Of course, Lucifer had chosen the perfect time to have a scheduled doctor's appointment. The room was packed to the brim with sniffling demons of all ages. There was a little D running around, apparently trying to win the award for most annoying toddler to walk hell. Lucifer massaged the bridge of his nose and let out a deep breath of air. The stuffed waiting room felt suffocating and the overlapping scents of different strong perfumes, stale coffee and disinfectant  did nothing for the headache that had been pestering Lucifer ever since he'd returned home from the club with a drunk Asmodeus in tow. Lucifer started to shake his left leg up and down in what could be misinterpreted as a nervous tic, but was actually nothing more than proof of his current impatience. The demon sitting next to him tried multiple times to engage him in polite but nonsensical small talk as Lucifer scrolled through his DDD, trying to look as bored and unapproachable as possible. He was annoyed to see that his tactic did not work out whatsoever. The demon next to him was apparently hell-bent on making a new friend at the doctor's office. Lucifer crossed his arms in front of his chest and suppressed an annoyed groan. The close proximity to this other demon did nothing to soothe his terrible nausea. However, since the waiting room was packed already Lucifer had no choice but to remain in his seat and put up with it. Although in the beginning Lucifer did find a certain kind of interest in seeing the way people interacted with him, thinking he was regular demon, he had quickly found himself bothered by the lack of respect even faster. He just wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible and then be left alone. The universe however seemed to have different plans for him. Just as the ever so adamant demon pulled out their very own DDD to show Lucifer a picture of some brat he had taken in,the doctor's assistant peeked her head through the door, her pretty curls bouncing with the slightest of movements, and nodded towards Lucifer. To his luck, she had apparently remembered Lucifer's request to not be called by name to keep his identity a secret from the public eye. After all, Lucifer was not the most common of names in the devildom. Lucifer removed himself from the waiting room as quickly as possible before the demon that had been bothering him for the past half an hour could say one word more, or even worse, ask for his number. Without looking back even once Lucifer followed the secretary who was already leading him towards the doctor's examination room. „Terribly sorry for the long wait, but as you can see we're swamped right now. The practice down the street got closed because the doctor's wife found out her husband was cheating on her, so she ripped off his right hand. An eye for an eye, you know? A real tragedy though,“ she chattered on as Lucifer stepped into the empty examination room. „Not for him, but for the wife of course.“ „Most certainly,“ Lucifer answered stiffly, a bit taken aback by the situation, hoping the conversation was over now. He wasn't sure what sort of answer the assistant expected from him after this conversational bomb she had dropped ever so casually. She hovered in the doorway for another moment. „The doctor should be with you in a second, honey.“ She closed the door behind herself as she left in a pace far too comfortable considering the state of the practice. Lucifer stared at the door for a moment, perplexed. To have another demon address him so casually despite knowing damn well who he was. That woman certainly feared nothing and no one. Although normally Lucifer would feel offended, right now he found himself somewhat amused by this woman's strangely laid-back behaviour. He slipped back his hood, pulled down the face mask and sat down on the chair opposite the doctor's desk. Now finally by himself again, he took notice of how the nausea gradually subsided again until it had simmered down to nothing more than a dark, buzzing premonition in the back of his mind. A few minutes later the door opened with a soft clack and Lucifer made sure not to turn around until he heard it close again. The doctor, a tall demon with impressive horns and an almost weirdly symmetrical face, approached him with confident steps and shook his hand quickly after he had stood up. It was a good, strong handshake and Lucifer couldn't help but nod in approval. „Welcome, Lucifer,“ she greeted before walking around the table and dropping down onto the chair, motioning towards Lucifer to do the same. „So what brings you here? I see your brothers come here all the time, yet I don't think I've treated you more than three times ever since I started working here. Are you maybe a bit of an iatrophobe?“ Lucifer pushed his hair back before starting to speak. For some reason, today he found himself surrounded by infuriatingly talkative people. „I do not have Iatrophobia. I refuse to go to the doctor for something as simple as a cold. If I can cure it myself I will do so, which is why you see me less often than my brothers. I do not see any problems with that.“ The doctor simply watched Lucifer as he answered her question. „Interesting,“ she nodded. „So what can I help you with?“ Lucifer took a deep breath. Technically, he still had time to leave the doctor's office to deal with whatever this was by himself. He was Lucifer the Morning Star, he did not need anyone. Yet despite these strong feelings of aversion that were boiling inside of him, Lucifer knew that he needed to do  the correct thing right now. Lashing out out of a misplaced feeling of overwhelming arrogance was not the kind of behaviour that Lucifer could display proudly. So rather reluctantly, he forced himself to relax his shoulders and lean back. After all, knowing what exactly was wrong with him was already a step towards improvement. „Since Saturday morning I have been experiencing strange bursts of nausea. They seem to differ in intensity depending on the situation, but in the worst case I have had until now I ended up having to rest on the floor for a quarter-hour. I assume you understand that I cannot afford to have side effects like these. They are disruptive and unpleasant and keep me from doing my job to my best abilities.” The doctor nodded as she propped her chin up with one hand. „Any other symptoms?“ „Aside from headaches and migraines, no, but I have been getting these for ages so I am quite certain that they are in no way related to the nausea.“ „Alright. I will take your blood and run it through the system, so we should know more in a second.“ At the doctor's request Lucifer moved over to the surgery couch and rolled up the sleeve of his hoodie. He watched her closely as she disinfected her hands, put on gloves and gathered the appliances she needed to draw his blood. Lucifer stared at the needle as it was routinely pushed into the sensitive skin at the crook of his elbow, followed by dark red blood quickly filling up the vial of an empty syringe. When she was done the doctor pressed soft cotton against the little red puncture wound and suddenly yelled out loud. „Sweetheart!“ Lucifer refrained from rubbing his temples. „Next time I would prefer a warning, alright?“ he said rather pointedly. The door opened and as Lucifer's head snapped around to see who had entered, he recognized the assistant from before. „Yes, Miss Doctor?“ The doctor simply extended her arm and shook the vial of blood. The doctor's assistant seemed to understand her without any words and simply grabbed the vial before leaving the room again. „Got it!“ Lucifer turned back around to his doctor and noticed a small smile sneaking up on her face. „My wife,“ she explained before turning back around to her patient. „Let's get your physical over with while Preta gets the results of your blood work. Please remove your clothes.“ Lucifer did as he was asked to. As the doctor whose name tag read 'Naamah' in bold, black letters, carefully examined his body the room was filled with silence. Naamah turned to Lucifer's backside and suddenly halted for a short moment before finishing the exam. „You can put your clothes back on.“ Lucifer pulled his hoodie back over his head as the door opened once again and the doctor's assistant, Preta, hurried over to her wife, handing her several sheets of paper. „Thank you, darling.“ “You're welcome!” She left again and Lucifer watched the doctor closely as she flipped through page after page. While she scanned through the last sheet of paper however, her eyebrows furrowed bit by bit. „So?“ Lucifer asked almost impatiently. Naamah put down the papers and sat down on her chair again, then picked up the last sheet of paper one more time to reread it. „Alright. I think I see the problem here,“ she finally said. „I have one more question for you, just so we can rule out anything else.“ Lucifer crossed his arms in front of his chest. The faster he got all of this over with the better. „Have you had any significant romantic or sexual relations in the past week?“ The world seemed to stop for several seconds as Lucifer stared at the woman in front of him. He had expected any sort of uncomfortable question, but this... „I hardly see how this could be of importance to you,“ he answered harshly. There was no reason for a medical professional to ask him this specific question. Or rather, there simply shouldn't be a reason for his doctor to ask him a question ever so private in nature, not when his sole symptom was debilitating nausea. „Answer the question, please.“ He had already stepped over his own shadow and dragged himself to the doctor with his problems, so Lucifer accepted defeat and rubbed his temple with two fingers as he answered. „Yes, I have had sexual relations in the past week. You are inquiring about this because?“ Naamah folded her hands together and leaned slightly forward. „Multiple partners or a singular partner?“ „One person. Only one person.“ The doctor nodded her head as if Lucifer had just confirmed her suspicions. She lifted her head and looked at Lucifer directly. „I'm just going to give it to you straight. It's very rare to happen, but it seems that you have formed a bond without you nor your partner knowing.“ Lucifer simply stared at her for several moments. „What are you talking about?“ „It seems like the reason for your side effects is that you have become mates with your partner, but neither of you have been aware of it. Your body is showing withdrawal symptoms. Headaches, dizziness, nausea, poor concentration, heightened irritability. As I said, this doesn't happen often, but it's definitely not unheard of.“ The world stopped turning right then and there. This was what Lucifer had feared the most. Not only were his symptoms serious and acknowledged, they were undeniably tied to Diavolo. Although a part of him refused to even consider the possibility of what the doctor had just told him, an even bigger part inside of him knew she had to be right. He didn't want her to be right. This was the kind of truth that he happily refused to believe in because there was no way for him to accept it just like that. „You must be wrong.“ Naamah shook her head and pointed at Lucifer himself. „I understand that you can't believe me that easily, so please go over to the mirror and take off your shirt so you can see for yourself.“ Lucifer walked over to the mirror with almost robotic movements and took of his hoodie once again. „Turn around and look at your neck please.“ Lucifer did as he was told and upon raking his neck, he saw a truth he simply could not deny. Right there, on the nape of his neck, where days before had been a dark purple hickey, was now a pale, yet definitely noticeable sigil forming with delicate dark red strokes. Shocked, Lucifer slowly reached up and let shaking fingers run over the fresh sigil. He felt neither bumps nor edges, but instead noticed how his skin tickled in an almost coy fashion upon contact. This could not be his life. There was no way. Perhaps all of this was nothing more than an intricate lucid nightmare, it had to be. „Lucifer?“ His head snapped back to Naamah. For once, he found himself at a loss for words. How would he ever be able to explain this situation? Lucifer stared at his reflection and noted dark circles and tired eyes.   „Does he need to know?“ The doctor sighed as she returned to her chair. „Technically, no. I would strongly advise you to tell him though. The fact that you have developed withdrawal symptoms already tells me that were the one to accept the mark first. Your partner might not experience symptoms at all, but the sigil will appear on his skin as well.“ Without wanting to, his hand shot back up to the nape of his neck. There was no way he could just accept all of that. „You must be mistaken. I can tell you, there is no way i could have formed a bond in the span of one single night,“ Lucifer forced out and the doctor sighed. “It is impossible.” „I know this is hard to accept, but this does happen from time to time. Your symptoms will only become less intense if you go and clear things up with your partner. Until then I can prescribe you suppressants which will help with the nausea and the headaches, but keep in mind that they are not an eternal solution. You can safely take them for a month if you stretch it out, but not longer than that, do you understand me?“ Staring straight ahead for several seconds, Lucifer found his mind adrift, far away from the clean doctor's office his physical form was sitting in at the moment. The universe really seemed to have it out for him. How could he have been so foolish to just abandon his beliefs in the heat of the moment in exchange for what? A romantic night with Diavolo, Lord Diavolo, his superior and friend of decades upon decades? This was the universe's way of punishing him for daring to be arrogant enough to assume that his actions wouldn't have consequences. If anything, he should know better than any other demon walking in hell that every single one of your actions had consequences. With all of the many mistakes he had ever made, this one might have been the most stupid one. Because usually, Lucifer knew better. He had refused to look at Diavolo as anything more than his lord and his superior for so long exactly because he knew better. He knew for a fact that some things were too good to be true. Those kind of things were generally followed by great misfortune. And now, Lucifer had to deal with the repercussions, had to deal with the punishment for allowing himself to follow his emotions instead of relying on cold, brash logistics. „Lucifer?“ He snapped out of his train of thought and hurriedly put his hoodie back on. „Of course. What were you saying about suppressants before?“ Naamah narrowed her eyes, but did her job without mentioning anything else that could possibly push Lucifer's boundaries. After all, she was a doctor and her job was to make sure her patients were correctly informed and cared for. She simply had to trust that they would follow her words.

Twenty minutes later, Lucifer left the office, a freshly printed prescription sheet weighing heavily in the back pocket of his trousers. On his way back to the house of lamentation he picked up the suppressants and stared at them for a good minute. He hated the sight of them, hated what they were implying. The back of his neck tickled tauntingly as he threw the orange pill bottle back into the white plastic bag, applying much more force than needed before he continued his way back home. He could've taken the bus back to the house of lamentation, but somehow, Lucifer felt restless and unhinged. So instead of a 10 minute ride he took on 45 minutes of walking instead, hoping that it would give him enough time to  calm down, keep his face and portray the meticulous big brother again as if nothing of significance had happened. It turned out that in the end, taking a 45 minute walk hadn't helped much with the disarranged state of his mind. Lucifer entered the house of lamentation and let the doors slam shut behind him. On the way up to his room he passed no one but Mammon, who simply stared at him in a confused manner for several moments,but didn't utter any words to his big brother, which admittedly, was a good thing. Lucifer wasn't all too sure how he would have reacted if Mammon had dared to approach him. The doors to his room slammed shut behind him and Lucifer threw the white plastic bag onto his bed before going after it and pulling out the orange pill bottle. He popped it open and shook out one singular little pill, turning it around between his thumb and pointer before swallowing it dry. Lucifer let himself drop down onto his bed, not even bothering to switch Beel's sweater out with his usual waistcoat and dress shirt combination. He simply laid there and stared at the ceiling. He knew he should be coming up with a plan by now, thinking about all possible outcomes and most agreeable endings, but after having found out that he had formed a mating bond with Diavolo, in the middle of a one night stand of all things, Lucifer had to take a moment to breathe. He had to take a breather to simply come to terms with all of it. Just as he was about to get up again the ringing of his DDD filled the silence. Lucifer retrieved it from the hoodie's kangaroo pocket and stared at the screen in aggravated defeat. It was Lord Diavolo. He gathered himself and fixed his hair before accepting the call, letting his professional persona take over. He was Lucifer the Morning Star and he would be damned if he let something as simple as a misplaced mating bond destroy the life he had built up ever so diligently. Without any hesitation Lucifer picked up the call as he took note of the way his body filled with nausea in the span of mere seconds. „Diavolo. What can I assist you with?“

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4,  Chapter 6 , Chapter 7, Chapter 8,  Chapter 9, Chapter 10

[mommymooze]

Hey Dorte, Why the Long Face?

There is a mysterious illness affecting the animals in the stables. Marianne is beside herself with worry.

No real animals were harmed in the writing of this story. 

 Marianne always has dark circles under her eyes, however when Claude notices that the circles are much darker than usual and she is missing class, there must be something seriously wrong. The house leader searches all over the monastery and finally finds her in the stables. The weather is cold and she is bundled up in Dorte’s stall.

“What’s wrong? Why is Dorte lying on the ground?” Claude immediately notices that her very best horse friend is not looking too well.

“I don’t know Claude. He has been like this for days. I’m so worried for him!” She bursts into tears giving the large animal a hug around its neck.

The brunette checks around the stables, a few of the other horses aren’t looking too much better. He knows a lot about wyverns, but horses are pretty foreign to him. He heads directly to Byleth’s room.

“Knock knock. You in there teach? We have a problem!” Claude announces as he hears the Professor give permission to enter.

Profesors Byleth and Manuela are in the stables, checking on all horses and Pegasus.

“We have used healing spells before on horses, especially when they are injured in battles, but this is something I am not comfortable with.” Manuela ponders, tapping a finger on her lips.

“I wonder if my dad can shed some light.” Byleth offers.

Marianne whimpers every time Dorte twitches uncomfortably. She refuses to leave his side, so her fellow deer help build a nest for her and bring her something to eat and drink.

Lorenz is attending Gallicas, named after his mother’s favorite roses. His steed is also showing signs of illness and stress, however has not been lying down, Gallicas is breathing heavily, pacing in his stall and touching his midsection with his head.

“I have sent word to my father, he is going to send a horse cleric to help us. I do hope they make it in time.” The noble laments.

“Agreed.” Is heard from the next stall over as Ferdinand is brushing Cinnamon reassuringly. “These are not creatures nor beasts. They are our best friends and have been at our side through thick and thin. Extremely intelligent animals. Nobody listens better than your horse.”

“The Pegasus don’t seem to be nearly as affected as the horses.” Ingrid chimes in as she checks on Astra.

  A few hours pass before Jeralt and Leonie arrive at the stables. He looks over the horses as Leonie watches intently.

“I got nothing.” The Bladebreaker admits. “They look like they have stomachaches but being this listless and such is something I haven’t seen before.” Jeralt scratches his beard looking puzzled.

No amount of sweet treats such as apples or sugarcubes interest the huge equines. More and more of them begin to lay down and breathe heavily.

 The next morning a hail from the gatekeeper alerts everyone’s attention to the front gate. A huge Pegasus with iridescent pearl hair and feathers lands just outside the stables. A tall redheaded woman with a large black satchel dismounts the beautiful winged creature as she goes and scratches her flying mount under it’s almost glowing chin.

“Fantastic work Sparkles. Perfect flying!” She says encouragingly as she pats the gorgeous animal on its long neck. “Stay here. There are some sick friends inside, k?”

The Pegasus nods, tapping the ground with it’s sparkling silver hoof, pulling its wings close to its body.

 “What have we here?” Ruby announces her presence to the group of humans, horses and Pegasus.

“Thank the goddess!” Lorenz runs up to bow before her. “You are a vision in these dark times! Please help us. Our best friends are taken with a mysterious illness. We would be heartbroken should anything worse befall them.” Tears are falling from the man’s cheeks, just thinking of what could happen to his beloved Gallicas should this illness go on much longer.

Beautiful, empathetic Marianne bursts into tears, patting Dorte’s neck and clutching on to his mane as if she would fight off death trying to take her beloved best friend.

Ruby begins barking orders to anyone that is around. She requires four large buckets of water, two of them hot, but not boiling, every piece of hay and fodder removed from the stables and dumped into the courtyards.

The horse cleric kneels next to Dorte first, opening his mouth, feeling his teeth and gums, checking his tongue. Dorte quietly obeys. She quietly whispers to him the entire time. She checks his eyes, his ears, feeling his neck as she reaches down towards his belly. She places her ear on his chest, his stomach and his gut. Palpating his abdomen, pushing rather hard in some places, Dorte gives off a groan of sorts and she apologizes. Dorte patiently cooperates with her.

“I need a chart with the names of each patient, when did they eat last, urinate, defecate, how long they have been laying or showing any kinds of symptoms.” Ruby orders and the academy’s horsegirls scatter to get the information down.

Ruby exits the stables and literally bumps into Byleth. “You need to get me bottles of oil. Vegetable oil, any oils not made from meat that are liquid. I need a couple bowls and two large cookpots.”  Byleth makes an about face and runs to the kitchens.

The redhead goes straight for the fodder. At first she kicks the pile left and right, spreading the feed thin on the ground. She gets on her hands and knees and picks at a few of the dried grasses and weeds, gathering some into a pocket. She returns to her satchel, taking out multiple bamboo pieces, a funnel, several potions, rectangular pieces wrapped in wax covered cloth, multiple cloth bags full of something and a long handled wooden spoon. Taking each item one at a time she opens her long coat and places them in a specific pocket until her hands are free again.

Stepping into the stables just inside the door is a table with the four buckets of water. “Worktable, great! Going to need towels eventually.” She takes the cloth from the rectangular pieces, placing the soap next to the two warm buckets of water.

“First of all, no cross contamination. The person with the animal stays with that animal. If I say move, get away from the animal. Do as I say. No hesitation.” Ruby orders.  “Wash up when you come in, wash up when you leave. Don’t touch anyone else’s animals>”

Byleth returns with several students following with several different large containers full of oil and other requested items.

Ruby pours some leaves from each of three different bags into the cook pots. She instructs Byleth to fill them to a specific height with water, then heat them to as hot as her hand can stand in the water, not the cook’s hands. Bring them back with something clean to scoop out the liquid with, like a large bowl.

 The horse cleric heads over to Dorte who is obviously the sickest patient. Pouring oil into a bowl she takes out two pieces of bamboo, twisting them together to make a large tube. She first casts a relaxing and numbing spell on the huge beast. Dorte’s movements slow down as he rests his head on the ground closing his eyes. She oils the tube from the outside, then with Marianne’s help, gets the tube through the nostril into the horse’s throat. Ruby’s hand is on his throat, moving slowly and carefully until she can feel the horse swallow as the tube is at the proper position and it is into the stomach. She pulls the funnel from her pocket, putting it into the tube and Marianne pours the oil into the tube as Ruby listens to the animal’s gut. Finally she removes the tube and they lay Dorte’s head down. She casts another spell in the area of his stomach, then brings Marianne over to massage his gut. The healer then goes to the other end of the animal, not to give an enema, but to have some oil at the exit to assist Dorte in passing what is in his stomach and intestines.  

Ruby pours the bucket of cold water to rinse her arms, then washes her hands with the soap and warm water from the first bucket, rinsing them then washing again with the second bucket, rinsing them off again. She dries her arms and heads to the next animal. The standing animals are easier as they are not nearly as overcome with the sickness. Once the second animal is treated, she tells the owner to take them outside the gates for a long walk. Hopefully before they return the horse will hopefully have shaken things loose and let go of some manure and to inform her once they have returned.

Ruby turns back to Dorte. He has not passed anything. She needs to roll him over on his other side. She carefully guides Dimitri and Raphael to assist her with gently moving the huge horse. Marianne immediately starts her massaging on the other side of Dorte’s gut as Ruby listens to his internal organs. She reassuringly pats Marianne on the shoulder and smiles at the bluenette.

The horses having been treated, it is time to check on the Pegasus.  The winged beasts are extremely calm around Ruby as she looks after them one by one. She constantly whispers to the animals as she works with each of them. Scrubbing herself clean between each beast.

Preparing the water troughs for all of the creatures in the stables, she adds the special tea cooked in the kitchens pots to each of the animals drinking water The leaves are left in the water, digesting them will help calm the stomachs of the huge beasts. All of the horses except Dorte have been walked and have done well moving things through their systems. They are in their stalls and have been taking drinks of the tea water.  

Ruby lifts Marianne from the ground where she asleep, laying upon her best friend. She places the cleric on a soft bed of straw in an empty stall and covers her with one of several blankets brought for her.  

The horse cleric then returns her concentration on Dorte. She listens to his heart, then his gut. Speaking softly and reassuringly to the handsome horse, she casts a spell on his stomach area. She puts his bridle on him and encourages him to stand. He appears to have weakened his legs lying on them for so long, still he struggles and with much effort and encouragement he stands. The effort itself has broken a dam within him and manure is pouring out his backside. She washes him off and places him in an empty stall. Grabbing a wheel barrow she mucks out the stall, taking the mess outside. She listens again to Dorte’s gut and things sound like they are moving well through the animal now. His heart rate has slowed and his breathing is not as distressed.

Professor Byleth wakes with the sunrise and is surprised to see Sparkles is standing outside her door. She reaches out to the pearl white animal, it allows her to stroke its long neck and mane as it leads her to the stables. There she finds Ruby and Marianne sleeping and all of the horses alive and doing much better. She clears the muck in the wheelbarrow and all of the empty buckets and pots. Finally Ruby awakens after enough noise and immediately goes to check on all of the animals.

“Dorte is looking much better today. The other horses and Pegasus can go out and should be taken for exercise for at least an hour each. Dorte is still too weak for that much, but should be walked and given lots of water. I don’t want him eating much today and I have to educate everyone regarding some disturbing items in the food. I would like to gather anyone that cares for the animals here after breakfast.”

“Absolutely. Thank you so much for all of your help. I don’t know what we would have done without you.” Byleth says thankfully.

Marianne suddenly awakens, realizing she is not with Dorte. She runs over to him and hugs him around his neck, crying happy tears. “Dorte! You made it. You are so strong, so beautiful!”

Ruby pulls aside each animal caregiver, providing instructions for care and feeding until the animal is back at 100%.

 Every person in the monastery that has anything to do with the horses are called before Ruby. She shows them and passes around the items that were mixed in with the horses food.

She holds up a dried stem that looks like clover. “This is Alsike clover. The leaves and size of plant look very much like what we call red clover, which is sort of a reddish purple flower. White clover has white flowers and is much shorter growing. Red and White clover is fine for horses to eat with other food. The clover have a V like mark in their leaves of a lighter color. The Alsike clover has a pointed leaf like the red clover, the flower is more pink. But there is no lighter V on the leaf. Even when dry you can see the V on the leaf of the other two clover. There is enough of the Alsike clover in your feed to kill all of your animals. The Pegasus were affected to a lesser extent because they eat more grains.This feed is fine for cows, and sheep but horse feed cannot have this kind of clover. Whoever procures your animal feed must be aware of this. If you allow your horses to graze nearby, watch what they are eating. Horses don’t exactly know much difference about what is growing around them and will chomp on anything. Do not let them graze in buttercups, oleander and hemlock. The flowers should start blooming in the next month or so.

Clover is not the best feed for horses. Red clover tends to mold, it is the mold that will kill your friend. They can eat it as long as a lot of other grasses are in their food. My favorite grass is Timothy Hay.

Check your food storage frequently, turning over the looser fodder. Purification spells can be run by the clerics here to assist with keeping some molds in check.

Keep the stalls very clean. A concentration of most manure and it sitting for quite a while means maggots, flies and other nasty creatures to torment the horses, it also attracts mold.”

The students, knights, caretakers and Professors are all paying 100% attention to this lecture.

 “I must be getting back to my practice. Send a messenger should you need anything or have questions.” Ruby instructs Byleth.

The Professor nods. “Thank you so much. We sincerely appreciate your fast arrival. We could have lost so many animals to our mistakes.”

Ruby agrees. “Please make sure this is taken seriously, reinspect what the students have done. I hate to see animals come to harm.”

Byleth hands the horse cleric payment for the services. She takes the money and puts it in another one of her pockets.

“Follow me.” The redhead instructs. She leads Byleth to a barrel that is off to the side. In the bottom of the barrel is a pile of her Pegasus droppings. “Pegasus blessings your gardener would call them. Fill the barrel full of water when you have it by your greenhouse. Then let it sit for at least 2 hours. Stir it for a minute, then water your plants. Wait 5 days, fill the barrel 2/3 full. Water plants then 1/3 full. Sprinkle what remains in the barrel on the plants after 5 more days.”

Byleth smiles at this and thanks the redhead profusely.

Ruby calls Sparkles to her side. She checks her bags and makes everything secure. Suddenly Marianne bursts from the door of the stables and grabs the cleric into a huge hug.

“Dorte and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts.” Marianne gasps as she squeezes the redhead.

“Dorte is a beautiful friend. Feed them good hay, carrots and pumpkins. For treats apples, pears, grapes and the occasional oatmeal raisin cookie. With you taking care of them, I am sure they will enjoy a long beautiful life.” The cleric gives the blunette a hearty squeeze back.

With that the horsecleric mounts her sparkling steed and heads off into the sky, the wings seem to shimmer with all of the colors of the rainbow as Byleth watches her fly off into the distance.

 Bonus??? Bad horse jokes:

Why can’t horses dance? They have two left feet.

What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse? The ground!

What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

[ddixons-angel]

Fated: Season 4

Summary: Gloria Rhee narrowly escapes Atlanta with her brother as the outbreak reaches the city. Luckily, they find a camp outside the city and together, they fend through encounters with the living and undead.

Starts a little before Season 1 and then follows the main storyline of the show.

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x Glenn Sister!OC

Warnings: major TWD spoilers, language, violence (the typical TWD stuff)

A/N: New chapter is here~ Yay~~ Let’s just jump straight into it ^^ Let me know your thoughts on this one~!

Chapter 8

Gloria was sound asleep in her cell, her back to Daryl as she lay on her side, her front side facing the wall on the inner side of the bed. His arm was draped around her waist, spooning her close to him as he slept peacefully by her side. Their slumber was suddenly interrupted by distant screaming and gunshots firing within the prison. Daryl jolts up at the sound, startling Gloria awake at the sudden movement. She rubs her eyes of sleep with the back of her hand then looks to Daryl as he gets up from the bed. 

“Get to the infirmary.” Daryl orders her as he picks up his crossbow and bolts out of the cell.

Gloria complies with his words, throwing on her army green jacket and equipping herself with her belt of daggers, she rushes to the infirmary. Seeing that a woman and her daughter are already there waiting for her in tears, Gloria ushers them into the infirmary, sitting them down and checking on them. They had minor scrapes and cuts on their arms and legs but nothing life threatening.

“What happened?” Gloria asks once she’s done patching up the two.

“Walkers...” the woman chokes out.

Her answer earns a baffled look from Gloria. How could walkers get into the prison? They’d cleared out the prison and blocked off any possible entrances, there was no way walkers could break into the walls, at least not without anyone knowing. After making sure the two are fine, she sends them off to the main area to find Rick, telling them that he’ll know what to do. A few more people come to the infirmary, Gloria recognizes them all as residents of Cell Block D. Now knowing that there was somehow a walker attack, she checks them all for bites. Fortunately, she only finds minor injuries, some worse than others but not a single bite. Gloria tells them the same thing she had told the woman with her daughter, to find Rick in the main area. Moments later, Hershel and Caleb meet Gloria at the infirmary. 

“Hey, I heard there was a walker attack in Cell Block D.” Gloria states, concern evident in her voice, Hershel and Caleb both nod at her, “how’d they even get in?”

“That’s the thing, they didn’t.” Hershel starts, “one of the kids, Patrick, he died overnight because of a cold and turned.”

Gloria feels the blood drain from her face, “P-Patrick...? I saw him yesterday... he barely had a cold, how could he-”

“This is something that progressed extremely fast, it’s not your fault.” Caleb jumps in before Gloria could finish speaking, “none of us would have been able to see the signs.”

“I just told him to rest and drink lots of water and to see one of us in the morning if he doesn’t feel better...” Gloria slums down in the chair, looking down. 

“We would have told him the same thing, Gloria.” Hershel tells her in attempts to comfort her. 

Caleb nods, “we wouldn’t have seen his symptoms and think of them as deadly.” 

Gloria sighs, her eyes welling up with tears, “I should have just given him antibiotics, then none of this would have happened, he might not have died...” 

“Judging by how frail he was and with his immune system, antibiotics might not have done anything for him.” Hershel reminds her.

Accepting that there was nothing that she could have done, she nods and looks up at Hershel and Caleb, “so, what’s Rick’s plan?”

“How are we doing with antibiotics?” Hershel asks, gesturing to the bins, “if anyone else is infected with the cold or whatever it is, we need to be prepared.”

“The last time I checked, we were running low.” Gloria says as she gets up to check the bins where they kept the medicine, then sighs, “we don’t even have enough for even one person if they end up sick.”

Hershel purses his lips in deep thought, “we’re going to hold a council meeting tomorrow. For now, anyone who was in Cell Block D will be going to Cell Block A to be quarantined just in case.”

Gloria frowns at the mention of Cell Block A, “that’s death row...”

Hershel chuckles softly at her, “that’s the same tone Glenn used when Carol mentioned it earlier.”

“Are you sure you two aren’t twins?” Caleb jokes, grinning at her.

Gloria rolls her eyes playfully at him. The two other doctors take their leave as Gloria starts to tidy up the infirmary. As she’s putting back bins in their proper spots, Maggie appears at the door carrying Michonne with Carl beside them. Gloria looks at them and frowns.

“Are you guys okay?” she asks.

“Michonne hurt her ankle.” Maggie tells her as she lets the other woman sit on the patient bed.

“I’m fine.” Michonne grumbles but lets Gloria take a look at her ankle anyway.

She kneels in front of her, gently and carefully moving her ankle to examine how bad the damage is. Gloria takes notice every time Michonne tries not to let show that it hurts. Maggie had left the infirmary, telling the others that she needed to help Glenn and the others with the fence that was caving in from walkers. 

“How bad is it?” Carl asks, standing beside Michonne.

“It’s sprained, not too badly though, but you should keep off it for now.” Gloria says, getting up to go to one of the shelves, “I’ll put a compression wrap on it to help it feel better” 

Michonne nods as Gloria fishes out a package of compression bandage and goes back over to her. She kneels down again and starts to treat her ankle.

“Just like how you had to keep off your ankle for a month back at the farm?” Carl teases Gloria.

Gloria scoffs, “yes, exactly like that.”

“What happened?” Michonne tilts her head, slightly amused.

“I fell down a hill and sprained my ankle real bad. Daryl found me and took me back to Hershel’s farm.” Gloria squints at Carl, “and that’s where I found out that you got shot.”

Michonne gawks at Carl, “you never told me that.”

“Of course he didn’t, he only tells stories about when he looks cool.” Gloria teases back, earning a giggle from Carl.

“That’s not true! I told Michonne about when you took out that herd in the cabin even though you were really hurt because of Nina.” Carl retorts.

Gloria smirks at that, “thanks for spreading the word about me being a badass.” 

Carl rolls his eyes and Michonne laughs, “I was sure Daryl would have killed her for that.”

“I thought so too, but thank God Rick was fast enough to hold both him and Glenn back.” Gloria says, then looks up at Michonne, “did you see her out there, by the way?”

Michonne sighs and shakes her head, “no, I didn’t see anyone out there, no Nina, no Governor, just walkers and trees.”

---

That night, Gloria was in her and Daryl’s cell sitting on the bed thinking about everything that happened that day and her mind drifted to her conversation with Michonne and Carl in the infirmary. She had taken off her jacket and was wearing a black tank top, her arms fully revealed to anyone who walked into the cell. Gloria hadn’t really thought about the incident, she just pushed it to the back of her mind since it was over and done with. Her hands wandered to the deep scars on her arms from when Nina had cut her to draw blood as a distraction for the walkers. They were the reason she never left her cell without a jacket or wearing a long sleeved shirt anymore, she needed something to cover up her scars. There wasn’t much she could do about the scar on her chest that always poked through the neck of her shirt, but she hated her scars on her arms. They gave her an insecurity she never felt before, and she wasn’t sure if she hated the feeling of being insecure more or her scars.

Daryl walks into the cell and sits beside her on the bed before letting himself fall back. Gloria glances over at him and smiles softly, subconsciously covering her arms with the blanket.

“Tired?” she asks.

“Exhausted.” he grumbles, his eyes closed, “Rick had to kill the pigs... needed to distract the walkers from breakin’ down the fence.”

Gloria sighs, “poor Carl... he was getting attached to them.”

There’s a silence between them as Daryl takes a long pause, “someone killed Karen and David.”

“W-what?” Gloria stares at him in shock, she knew that David and Karen had caught whatever influenza that killed Patrick and had them in another cell block away from the others, but she never thought anyone would ever think to kill them.

“Tyreese went to give Karen flowers but saw a trail of their blood... then found their bodies burnt to a crisp.” Daryl sighs. 

Gloria didn’t know what to say, she could never imagine how Tyreese would be feeling. She wraps the blanket tighter around her arms, as if that would make everything better. Daryl opens his eyes as he notices her silence. He looks at her and sees her all wrapped up in the blanket. He lets out a breath, he never brought it up to her but he noticed how she became very insecure about her arms after her incident with Nina. He hated it. Daryl always saw her as beautiful, flawless, perfect. Even with her scars now, she was still perfect to him, but now those damn scars would prevent her from seeing it herself and that angered him. 

Daryl sits up on the bed and moves closer to Gloria, tugging the blanket off her shoulders and wrapping his arm around her lower back, he plants a lingering kiss on the tip of the scar on her upper arm. Gloria looks at him and a small shy smile tugs at her lips. She reaches over to hold his hand that’s resting in his lap. Daryl moves up and kisses her shoulder then leans in, gently kissing her lips. 

“Ya okay?” Daryl whispers on her lips.

Gloria nods, caressing his face with her other hand, “yeah, you should rest, you had a long day and there’s a council meeting early tomorrow morning.” 

Daryl sighs at her reminder and nods. He shifts to lie down on the bed, pulling Gloria into his arms, causing her to giggle slightly as he holds her close, snuggling her as he drifts off to sleep. 

---

Next Chapter

Now I know this is a super short chapter and not much happens, but it does get more intense at the start of the next chapter which will be up on Monday!!! Please let me know your thoughts on it and what you think will happen, I’m very curious to see where you think I’ll take it haha 

I don’t like that I’m posting this part during these trying times though, it feels too relatable that it’s scary... BUT we will get through everything together! Stay safe and healthy everyone!!

And as always, I would really appreciate any comments left for me! I’ll be replying to any comments in a new post because this is a sideblog!

Taglist (please let me know if you’d list to be added/removed!):

@twdeadfanfic | @fandomfanatic97 | @crossbowking | @watchmeaspire | @spidergirla5 | @kamieshep | @letsstarsfalling | @molethemollie | @alicewinchester99 | @neilox | @womanup22 | @jodiereedus22 | @theonlyone-meeeee | @theunofficialduke | @inlovewdxx | @delightfullykrispypeach | @mrsfortune1306 | @wolfkg | @funeral-7 | @wnygirl2012 | @alispaceme​

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt.47

Shiro promptly dobbed him into Lance. He literally said “Hey, Lance. Be careful with Keith he drank normal milk”, before letting himself into Lance’s house like he owned the damn place. Still feeling queasy, Keith was reduced to shuffling. His intestines felt filled with needles, and other not so pleasant stuff. Letting Blue finally jump down, Blue ran off towards the sedan as Lance stepped down the last two steps and carefully wrapped his arms around him. Keith all but melted. His nerves still there, but so was Lance

“I missed you”

God. His boyfriend was the sweetest. Keith opened his mouth to tell him how much he’d missed him too, only to fart and ruin the whole moment.

Mortified, Keith went tense as he cringed, waiting for Lance to laugh. Instead, his boyfriend simply pressed a kiss to his neck before pulling away and taking his hand

“That bad, huh? You don’t look too well. Let’s head upstairs?”

Keith felt like he should apologise for blowing their touching reunion. He felt like maybe Lance should have laughed, even it’d been at him

“Keith, it’s okay. Unless you’re standing there literally shitting yourself, because that’s what the look on your face is saying”

“Shut up. It’s Shiro’s fault”

“And you can tell me all about it when you feel better. It hasn’t been the same without you around”

Lance was happy to go at a snails pace, Keith embarrassed enough that he was dragging his feet the whole way. Maybe he had drunk the wrong milk. He’d stopped thinking about it when he lived with Lance, trusting Lance wasn’t about to poison him with the dreaded lactose. Led into Lance’s room, his boyfriend shot him a shy smile

“If you’re not comfortable, I can set you up in Curtis’s room”

“No. No... God. This is... embarrassing”

He may have kind of farted again... Lance’s super nose had to have smelt the fresh scent of internal death

“Keith, you literally can’t control the way your body reacts. If you can see me in my heats, and still be there, I can be there when you’re suffering from drinking the wrong milk”

“But...”

Heats and milk were two different things

“Shhhh. It’s okay. I’ll take farty you over no you any day. Take your jeans off, the pressure’s probably not great against your stomach”

Lance settled on his bed, Keith even more embarrassed over taking his jeans and boots off, he felt incredibly lame. Climbing into bed beside his boyfriend, Lance stayed on his back, Keith hesitant, as Lance beckoned him closer

“Get over here already, you’re acting as nervous as I feel”

“You’re nervous?”

Lance chuckled, Keith finally climbing into his hold. Kissing his forehead, Keith wished his nerves would fuck off. Lance’s bed felt so much nicer than his

“This is my fourth change today... so was aiming for casual, but nice casual, but not too nice casual, but not so casual as you thought I didn’t make an effort”

“That’s too much effort”

“Curtis said the same thing”

Keith didn’t like the way he felt when Lance said Curtis’s name. He was reminded that he wasn’t part of anything that’d happened since Wednesday, outside of what Lance, and the group, messaged him

“He did?”

“Yep. He’s actually not that terrible... He still likes to point out things he shouldn’t, but I’ve been mostly working since you left”

“You didn’t think he was terrible before”

“He was on thin ground for murdering my toaster. He covered for me on Wednesday”

“That’s right, Pidge’s parents were coming to dinner”

“Yep. And guess who went into heat? He got me out the room, then covered for me saying I had to lie down thanks to a migraine. Then he kept Matt off my back. He doesn’t think I should keep dealing with heats alone”

Jealousy bubbled up

“Who? Matt? If he...”

“No. Curtis. Matt was being Matt. His idea of comfort was yelling through the door that I should picture you to jerk off to”

“That sounds annoying. Why didn’t you tell me?”

They’d talked that night, and Keith hadn’t even known

“Because, dummy, I didn’t want you stressing out further over it. You had enough to deal with in Platt”

“You could have called to tell me”

“I know... but when I hear your voice, I want to see you, and you know I blurt out things”

Still. Lance should have told him. This was exactly what Keith was afraid of. Matt could easily have broken Lance’s door down, so could Rieva. His boyfriend was kind of cute, and he did have a nice arse. Lance had more in common with the pair of them...

“Keith?”

“I don’t want to be on the outside. I’m supposed to be your boyfriend. Would you have told me if there wasn’t a risk of the others bringing it up?”

“Yes. I planned to tell you today. Maybe not like this, with you feeling sick... Yeah. Basically. I wanted to let you know... It doesn’t feel like... something to talk about on the phone”

Keith’s jealousy died down. The fact Lance wanted to be honest doused it. Tripping over his words, Keith feared coming across controlling or bossy

“Can you call me? If it happens again, can you can me?”

Lance sighed softly, wriggling to adjust himself around him

“I don’t want to put pressure on you. Tell me about those tests Coran put you through. I told you he’d be...”

Keith’s stomach gurgled again, yeah... moment over

“I need the bathroom”

When Keith came from the bathroom, he was ready to die. Milk was evil. Cows were evil. Dairy was evil. He felt far grosser than when he’d gone in, and the bathroom window being wide open was testimony to that fact. Climbing back into Lance’s arms, Lance rubbed his back gently

“You should get some rest. Try to sleep off some of the symptoms”

“No... I came all this way to spend time with you”

“And we will. I tried looking up how to help you but the internet’s not very helpful”

“It’ll pass”

“I know. I wish I could do something though”

What was he supposed to say to that? Lance was doing something. A whole lot of something. He was accepting that Keith wasn’t making things up and that he couldn’t control the way his body reacted

“Maybe a small nap?”

“Sounds good to me. I’ll stay here with you. The others are preoccupied. Pidge had Matt working on lighting requirements for the stupid tunnel system again. Hunk and Shay are in the kitchen. Hunk is giving her a cooking lesson, he was pretty proud of the last one he gave. They’re gonna be at it for a while”

The last cooking lesson Hunk gave had to be when he’d tried teaching Keith. Keith had tried... but he felt like he hadn’t lived up to Hunk’s standards. He now knew there was a wrong was to grate a carrot, and that Hunk didn’t appreciate him peeling them with a knife. Hunk had the potato peeler, limiting Keith’s choices. He hadn’t cut his thumb off so he was taking that as a win. Lance had laughed over it all, caging Keith’s body as he showed him how Hunk liked his carrots grated, which was basically like normal only you used a fork when you got close to the end instead of your fingers to hold the shrinking nub of carrot.

Hiding his face against Lance’s chest, he’d forgotten that Lance constantly felt a few agreed above rock cold. Shivering, he found himself half squashed as Lance reached over him, pulling the blankets up so he was covered properly. He couldn’t ask for anyone nicer

“I don’t know if he should be proud”

“You should be. You survived a master class with the best cook in Garrison. You should see them. They’re still grossly in love”

“I’m sure I’ll see them tonight”

“Yeah. Okay, no more distracting me. It’s time for little vampires and little vampire hunters to have a nap”

“I’m not a kid. Don’t make punch you in the dick”

Lance let out a faked gasp of offence

“I can’t believe you’d treat me like that”

“And I can’t believe it’s not butter”

“Oh my god. You must be sick, because that was absolutely terrible and totally not the line. Maybe I should call a doctor?”

“You’re an arsehole”

Keith’s tone held no bite, Lance kissing his hair took all the playfulness out, and instead shoved feelings into the gap. He felt safe enough to rest when in Lance’s arms... he just wished he felt better physically so he could enjoy every what time they had.

Keith completely zonked out. Lance didn’t seem to mind, but Keith did. Sleeping through to dinner time, he was woken by Lance softly shaking his shoulder

“I didn’t want to wake you, but it’s dinner time”

Whaaa... oh... groggy from waking it took him a long moment to process he was at Lance’s and slept the whole damn day. So much for spending time with Lance

“Fuck... fuck...”

“It’s okay”

“No it’s not. I came to spend time with you, not sleep”

“Honestly, it’s okay. You couldn’t help feeling sick”

“But...”

Lance brushed his hair back from his fringe, Keith finding he was still cuddling him despite how long he’d slept

“Nope. No. You don’t get to feel bad over something you can’t control”

“I came to see you. God. What about the others?”

“Are fine with it. Shiro already told them you got car sick”

“That doesn’t explain you looking after me”

“Dude, it’s what friends do. Trust me. I’ve done the same with Hunk and Pidge, plus, I’m a pre-established worrywort. And I think I’ve earned myself a few hours to spend them how I want”

“You didn’t stay here the whole time, did you?”

Keith would have been farting like there was no tomorrow. He still felt bloated and gross. Not at all a manly and brave vampire hunter. God. How the tables would turn if the vampires knew he could be taken out with a glass of plain milk

“Yep. It doesn’t matter what we do when we’re together, it means enough that you came to visit”

“You’re going to have this memory forever, while I’m laying here crop dusting in your sheets”

“Eh, I stuck tissues in my nose, problem solved”

Keith was frustrated by how easily Lance was accepting this. He’d slept the day away. He’d shown up on Lance’s doorstep and then proceeded to sleep. Lance should have been mad at him, his tone was snappy as he said

“Why can’t you just tell me you’re upset? You’re acting like it’s not a big deal”

“Because I’d like to think if I turned up on your doorstep feeling sick you would do the same thing I did and be there with me. No matter how upset and embarrassed I was”

“That’s different”

“Nope. Nope. Noooo. It’s really not. I get you have a hard time accepting affection, but no one made me stay here. No one made me bring you up here. I did it because I care about you”

“And I slept...”

“You’re being a dick. Can’t you accept I care about you?”

“I know I’m a dick, I fucking slept!”

Lance groaned at him, proving Lance was annoyed

“We’re not fighting about this. I don’t know why this is a big deal to you, but I care about you. This, doesn’t make me care any less. I’m not annoyed, I might be a bit annoyed that you’re arguing with me over it. This what people do when they care about someone. They’re there for them. I could tell you were exhausted and in pain so I let you sleep through. Now, however, you have to get up and head down to dinner”

“Pidge is going to...”

“Understand. Trust me. I have a fair few incidents I can use if she says anything”

“You’d stand up for me?”

“Well I’m lying down for you at the moment, but you know...”

Lance’s attempt at humour was lame... and Keith appreciated it

“You’re a dick”

“Yep. Now let’s get moving or there’s going to be nothing left”

[system-of-a-feather]

Hello! I was wondering if you had any tips for balancing work/college/life with DID and the stress along side it? And for #2: do you have any tips for bringing up DID to a therapist? I've been questioning if I have this for a few years and I've been seeing her for a year, but a large part of me keeps telling/yelling at me to not ask her for many different reasons. The words just get stuck in my throat and I don't know how to bring it up. Sorry abt the length of this, but thank you!!!

PerOh boy these are two long / large questions I could probably go on a bit about. I’m going to hold back a bit since I have a tendency to ramble, but if you have any follow up questions / elaborations feel free to ask!

Balancing Work / College / Life

The two largest key skills to work on to help balancing all of that is 1) communication with the rest of the system 2) learning grounding techniques.

Communication within the system is a bit of a cop out answer I feel, but it really is integral to living / coping with DID and trying to make life work around it. If alters aren’t on the same page about what is wanted and needed from life and aren’t on the same page on what is valuable in life, then things tend to get messy in everyone’s overall life as interests conflict, experiences aren’t communicated, memories and gaps in memory can get hard to fill properly, and a lack of communication promotes a lack of stability (and improved communication promotes more stability). I also find that personally with better communication, we have less severe dissociative states that DON’T cause a switch so it is less times when it comes to being unfocused. 

Also when it comes down to communication, it also really helps in managing all the stress that comes along with it since - to be quite honest - in my personal experience it often feels like there is always some level of a crisis (mental health or otherwise) going on at all times with little break in between. By working on improving how well each alters know each other and work with one another and creating a synergy / rhythm / balance for all parts to aid in life and how to handle these crisises can make the stress of dealing with them a lot less.... overwhelming I suppose?

Like I’ve gotten used to it, but at this point when a major issue comes up, I have general trust that our system has a way to navigate it and have generally understood ways of minimizing the damage and promoting healing and can generally trust one another to try to help one another. 

For working on communication, that can vary from person to person and can kind of come with trauma processing / exposure therapy / reaching out internally, but one thing I always like to say is a good idea is to try to figure out some from of external communication that can be relied upon. It can be a bit difficult to get all alters on board to take part in a journal or similar, but when you get down to it, if one can be established, it can be a decent mechanism to reliably communicate issues since internal communication can be really patchy at times XD

Our system has three different discords - one that is for socializing with friends, one that is the general private one for only our system and the members, and a third that is run by our gatekeeper and has selective access to certain channels to facilitate conversation while keeping parts that aren’t ready to handle topics out of it. We each have our own independent accounts and go on the honor system not to look into eachothers unless it is important / necessary.

In terms of grounding techniques, those are in place for the moments when you are dissociating / having a flashback or anything similar and you can’t switch, aren’t safe to switch, and/or just need to stay out as yourself. There are a lot of things that can be done and I would honestly recommend doing a google search for them, but typically in my experience sensory items can help a lot. I over use my hand sanitizer since it is cold, wet, and lets me focus on my hands and where I am touching. Ice water can be good and helpful. I’ve been told by my therapist that simulating running can help ground, but I always forget it when I get like that XD Its kinda a “find what works” sort of thing.

Bringing DID Up to a Therapist

To be honest, I haven’t had the best in person experience with it XD I didn’t really mention it to my first therapist and he considered it himself but considering he wasn’t trained and we were covert and in heavy denial, he kinda went “nah”. The therapist I saw for a session that redirected me to my current therapist I just went “uhhh I have dissociative symptoms and they are like this” and she went “Oh I can’t work with that lemme get you someone who can.” And my current therapist I think I was like “idk I’ve got these dissociative issues” when I walked in since that was an issue that got in the way with my first therapist and why I was redirected to him and I don’t actually remember the details but lowkey was like at a point like “wellllll I useeed to have these fragment-personality like things and I have this issue with it like coming back up and my last therapist was worried I had DID because of how I talked about my online vs offline i dunnoooooo”

So like XD I don’t really have the best personal experience to talk from since I didn’t talk about it much at all with my first therapist, my 1.5th therapist didn’t see me past “I have pretty bad dissociation”, and my second therapist now jokes about “how I wasn’t entirely honest about my symptoms / system in the beginning”. Plus when it comes to psychiatrists, I’m generally hesitant and either straight up tell them or just dont tell them at all which I wouldn’t recommend all the time.

Personally, from how I know therapy should work, if you are comfortable and feel it is safe to discuss with the therapist (as in you feel she listens to you, has treated you well, you have a good relationship / dynamic and you feel comfortable / safe around her) then I would just bring up the concern. Something along the lines of “Hey I have been experiencing [insert reasons why you are concerned you might] and I was curious if we could screen / see if this is a dissociative disorder / DID”

Typically - unless you do not trust or feel safe with a therapist - it is best to be up front and straight forward with your concerns and if you are curious on their opinion of a diagnosis / to look into it being a possibility, that it is often best just to ask. Therapy is meant for you so it is always alright to say “hey I have concerns I might have ___ because of ____, can we discuss that as a possibility for this session?”

Also not part of the question, but if you are ever confused about your diagnosis, it is always okay to ask “Hey can we go over my ___? I want to understand it better” or something similar.

-Riku (Host)

[candynosebest]

The Spin on Silk...

Actress Jane Birkin’s mother may have been onto something when she told her daughter, “When you’ve got nothing left, all you can do is get into silk underwear and start reading Proust.”

Silk popped up on my radar a few years ago when I was researching pajamas to wear in hospital. Within a few articles, I was sold.

Here’s the lowdown:

1.) Silk Slows Down Ageing

Silk has this natural, cloud-like quality that makes you feel fresh and clean. Silk amino acids, a natural nutrient found in the fabric, have been found to reduce specific signs of ageing, such as fine lines, wrinkles and dehydration.

Because silk is a natural material, it is easier for this fabric to produce and retain moisture on its own. It performs miracles on the skin when left in contact overnight. With this, silk is now recognized as a natural anti-ageing product in the form of towels, beddings, pillowcases, sleepwear and now face masks. Dermatologists attest to silk’s ability to slow down visible signs of ageing and revitalize the human skin even after a short night’s rest.

While cotton and polyester material withdraw moisture from the skin through a night’s sleep, silk can replenish and maintain this very moisture necessary for keeping a youthful, vibrant skin. Because it is a natural material packed with essential amino acids and natural protein, silk tricks the nervous system into relaxing; therefore smoothening out the wrinkles we develop through age.

With albumen, a naturally-occurring chemical in silk, the skin’s metabolism speeds up, allowing dead skin cells to develop and repair at a much faster rate. Over time, the long-term use of silk will drastically improve the skin’s appearance, significantly slowing down the effects of ageing. Think of it as an invisible night cream applied to your face every single night.

2) Silk Clothing Helps with Eczema and Asthma

In most cases of atopic dermatitis, lifestyle changes have needed to be implemented to accommodate the necessities of sensitive skin. While various creams and other topical treatments may be used to treat mild to severe cases of eczema, what eczema sufferers are exposed to day and at night can still affect the entire treatment process. Because of its natural protein structure, silk is known for its hypoallergenic properties, making it compatible with all skin types. Its dense fabric structure prevents dust and mites from accumulating, which in turn protects the wearer from day-to-day allergens. While some individuals might be allergic to other natural materials (like goose and duck feathers), silk has shown to be more compatible with even the worst cases of skin allergy because of its 100% organic origin. Another of its great feature: silk prevents the build-up of soil, dirt, and other microscopic foreign bodies that may trigger an allergy, especially in people with eczema. Thanks to these healing properties, silk is an excellent alternative to usual cotton active and nightwear. Aside from eczema, silk’s hypoallergenic quality can help treat people with asthma. Among the triggers of asthma are bed bugs and droppings that can affect your quality of sleep – but these microscopic items would not stand a chance against silk’s compact and densely woven structure.

3.) Natural Anti-Fungal Element

Silk is a popular choice for nightwear, and a recent study shows that there is more reason to opt for silk during downtime. Not only does it make you feel nice and smooth while you sleep, but it can also stave off recurring infections. In a study conducted by the University of Bologna, men and women who were experiencing recurrent thrush were asked to swap their usual cotton-made underwear for treated silk ones, while the other half of the group continued to wear cotton underwear. After six months, researchers found that the group that was wearing silk had been cured of the infection. The recurrence was halved and the symptoms were significantly reduced. Candida Albicans – the yeast causing the common fungal infection – thrives in warm and damp environments. While cotton does nothing to help this, the moisture-absorption capability of silk eliminates the environment for the yeast to thrive.

4.) Silk Can Improve Sleep

If you have ever experienced the luxury of sleeping in silk, you would be familiar with how quickly you can fall asleep while being enveloped in this material. There’s a reason why this fabric is becoming increasingly popular with bedding manufacturers; this has something to do with sleeping. The reason is simple: it makes you comfortable. Silk, a natural material blessed with sheen and softness, can also regulate body temperature and control moisture even in vast, changing climates. This makes silk an excellent sleep companion that will surely enhance the quality of your night-time slumbers. The softness of the material coaxes your nervous system into relaxing, allowing you to achieve the full cycle of sleep necessary. In ancient China, silk has been the go-to material for curing chronic pains. In fact, silk is still the standard fabric used for elderly homes and physical development centers. Silk's comfortability can easily remedy anything from muscle aches to joint pains. It imposes negligible pressure on the human body and follows the natural contours and movement of its user, giving anyone who uses it a guaranteed full night’s sleep.

5.) It Helps Avoid Allergies

Some people suffer from multiple allergies or sensitive skin, making it difficult to find clothing or sheets that work for them. A night in a bed dressed with polyester or other synthetic fabrics and worse still, full of harsh detergent residue, can leave rashes all over the body with no end in sight. Commonly mass manufactured materials not only evoke allergy symptoms but they exacerbate them, turning what should be a relaxing sleep into one filled with itches and scratches – a real nightmare.

However, silk can be your best hypoallergenic solution to skin sensitivity and allergies. Its natural properties benefit all; even its makers – the silkworms – weave their cocoons into safety shields against the dust mites. The proteins in silk repel these microscopic critters, which, coincidentally, are among the leading causes of human allergies. Alongside this, silk’s long and smooth fibers do not irritate the skin, preventing allergic reactions while letting you sleep peacefully, just as you deserve.

6.) It pretty much guarantees a Good Hair Day

As it does not conduct static electricity, sleeping on silk helps reduce hair breakage as there’s little no no friction placed on the hair follicle. 

7.) It helps reduce acne and inflammation

These pillowcases can be a beneficial addition to other acne treatments,” says Yoram Harth, a board-certified dermatologist, and the medical director of MDacne.

Why? Silk may present a kinder and cleaner surface for cradling your cheek. “Silk pillowcases are gentler on the skin of people with acne or sensitive skin than rough cotton pillowcases,” Harth explains. The friction from cotton on pimple-prone skin can create more inflammation, making acne worse.

Cotton also sops up the natural oil and bacteria from your face and hair, and that grime accumulates on your case night after night, creating a petri dish out of your pillow. (Eeeeeeuuuew)

“Silk pillowcases absorb less of the moisture and dirt and thus may be a better choice for people with acne,” Harth says. “This is especially true for people who sleep on their sides or stomach.”

8.) It offers a Cool Haven from the Hell called Menopause

Hot flashes, that sudden warmth in the face, neck, and chest, are among the most common — and uncomfortable — symptoms of menopause. They’re caused by fluctuating hormones and by a lower threshold for heat that occurs as women age, says Charla Blacker, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit. For the 75 to 85 percent of women who suffer from this women’s health issue, she suggests sleeping in light, breathable silk pajamas or on cool silk sheets to help turn down the heat.

Whew. After all that, it seems the only thing my silk pillowcases and pajamas can’t do is my tax return.

@mcleodandsavage sells silk turbans, pillowcases and face masks on their online store: https://www.facebook.com/McLeodandSavage/shop

Love, 

Candy xo

[mymelodyheart]

Starting Over Chapter 19 ~The Things We Do For Love~

Claire updated the last of the patients' charts from the morning consultation and then checked her phone. As soon as she saw the number of voice messages and unread texts from Jamie, she groaned and dropped her forehead on the desk.  Bloody   stubborn man! Why doesn't he get it?  Ever since she left Lallybroch three days ago, she'd been ignoring his calls, muting her phone and trying to keep busy. Unfortunately, cutting him out of her life wasn't going to be an easy feat. Besides sleep eluding her thinking about him, Jamie found creative ways to get her attention. 

On her first day at St Leonard's Medical Centre, there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for her, with a note wishing her good luck on her temporary job, signed  love Jamie . To her dismay, although her new colleagues were friendly and lively, they were also nosy and an inquisitive bunch, passing Jamie's wee card to one another and coaxing her to show a picture of the sender. She'd brushed them off with a smile and some excuse needing to familiarise herself with the clinic. But it didn't help her cause when not long after, coffee and croissants were delivered by staff from a nearby cafe and once again with a note signed  love Jamie .

Now everywhere she looked in the clinic, and at home, were reminders of him - flowers, plants, sweet treats, stuff toys, and also freaking balloons and pillow for neck support. What the hell?  She really ought to speak to Jaime, but what was the point? She thought she would be able to handle a fling and even courted the notion that Jamie might warm up to the idea of a long term commitment after meeting his parents. Of course, it was wishful thinking and unrealistic, now that the possibility of a job with the sports network was looming. She couldn't even last more than twenty-four hours in their arrangement. Talking to him now would only weaken her resolve and end up back in a relationship that had no future.

There had to be another way to get Jamie out of her system. She was cranky, tired and most of all, miserable because she missed him, and it was affecting her ability to function. And to make matters worse, the clinic was beginning to look like a gift shop, with all of Jamie's presents and offerings strewn about. Definitely not good when trying to make a good impression with the head of the clinic, Dr John Grey, an old friend of Joe and acquaintance of hers.

John was sympathetic when she'd apologised for the scene she was causing as everyone became caught up with the excitement. To her horror, bets were already being placed amongst staff, speculating whether the gifts were from an overly devoted boyfriend or a desperate suitor. Once again, her private life was generating interest, and even if it was on a smaller scale compared to paparazzi skulking around her home, it was still  bloody  intrusion.

It wasn't her intention to leave Jamie without a word. After being caught up with the beautiful day she had with the Frasers, her senses saturated in fine wine and Jamie kneeling before her, pleading not to break up with him, she'd been so close to revealing her feelings. It would have been the final humiliation if she'd bared her soul and heart to a commitment-phobe. If she hadn't known him any better, she would have believed Jamie was actually in love with her. The sound of his phone ringing had brought her back from the land of fantasy, and Claire sobered up quick. Without stopping to think, she'd ran and was grateful she'd caught Joe in time saying his farewell to Brian and Ellen. If Jamie's parents had been surprised to see her leave in a hurry with Joe, they'd shown no indication.

Now, she needed to get real. She'd had her Jamie and enough memories of him to warm her during the long, cold winter nights. She had to be happy with that. It wasn't Jamie's fault, and he had been forthright with her right from the start, giving her no illusions of a happily-ever-after. Time to get a firmer grip of reality and move on.

The door opened, and Mary, the senior receptionist, walked in. "Sorry about this Dr Beauchamp. I must have missed this." She waved a file folder in her hand. "Were ye about to go for yer coffee break? The patient can wait for Dr Grey instead. He doesnae look like he's about to die." She placed a cupcake on her desk.

Claire smiled. "It's alright, Mary, I'll take it. And thank you for the cupcake." No coffee nor croissants had arrived for her that morning, and her stomach was growling, having had no breakfast earlier. Maybe Jamie had given up, and that's the reason she was feeling a bit off. The cupcake should tide her over until dinner time. Sighing, she got up and put on her white coat. "So what's up with our patient?" she asked.

"The patient is Mr Alexander Malcolm. Heart palpitations, trouble with eating and sleeping, occasional hallucination, chest pains. He probably just over-indulged on curry and beer if I may say so. Some of these folks that come here doesnae need treatment and just want to get off from work. I'd say it's a bloody waste of NHS money," Mary scoffed.

Claire sighed inwardly. "Send Mr Malcolm to room 2. I won't take a minute."

"Aye, will dae." And Mary left.

Unfortunately what Mary said was true. Some of the people that came to the clinic were better off staying at home and resting. She missed the frenetic schedules she had at the Royal Infirmary and working under pressure at the surgical unit. All she'd done the last few days were diagnose patients with common ailments such as colds and flu, collect fluid and tissue samples for labs and administer or prescribe medications. It was a good thing she was only here for a couple of weeks.

Claire walked into room two with the patient's folder. "Good morning, Mr Malco ..." She stopped in her tracks when she found Jamie sat on the chair in front of a small desk. "What the hell ..."  Alexander Malcolm  ...of course, she should have known! He used his middle name. She'd been so distracted, the name hadn't immediately registered.

She made a move to go, but Jamie launched himself towards her and grabbed her hand before she could back out into the corridor. "Wait, Sassenach ...hear me out." Heart pounding hard, she stilled, as he pushed the door shut behind her. "I'm sorry for doing this. But ye left me with nae choice."

"Jamie ..." Her pulse started tumbling all over itself at the sight of him. He looked great except for the dark circles under his eyes, and his scent was making her giddy. 

"Please," he pleaded, his voice sounding like suffering.

He was standing so close, her fingers itched to touch him. But Claire steeled her resolve. "Fine ... you have two minutes. Let me remind you, you are wasting precious NHS resources."

He let out a breath of relief. "I'll pay for my way."

"That'll cost you. You have a lot of symptoms."

Hand still planted on the door, he stepped closer. "Then, ye'll need more than two minutes to diagnose me ..."

She placed a hand on his chest, stopping his forward progress. "Jamie ..." she warned.

Jamie dragged an impatient hand through his hair. "I wanted to see ye and ye wouldnae let me, alright? Ye left Lallybroch without a word, and I'd like to know what I've done wrong. Ye wouldnae answer my calls, so ye left me with nae other options. And I'm pissed off. I'm so pissed off like naebody's business because it scares the shit out of me that I may not be able to hold ye again." Taking advantage of her open-mouthed confusion, he leaned in very close, and his gravelly voice dropped low. "I ken I pushed too far too quickly. But all I ask of ye, is one chance, Sassenach. One chance. Tonight. I want to talk, and there's something I need to tell ye. But not here, though. And after we're done talking and ye dinnae like what I have to say, and ye still want to walk out of my life ..." He paused and swallowed hard as if he was having difficulty forming the words. "... I'll let ye go, and I'll never bother ye again."

His words bored an uncomfortable hole in her chest. "Y-you'll let me go?" she whispered. 

He dropped his head forward. "If that is yer wish," he muttered in a pained tone.

"Jamie, I thought I could handle this, but ..." Self-preservation constrained her from saying more.

He looked into her eyes and pleaded. "Have dinner with me tonight, Sassenach. And we'll talk."

Not a great idea.  "Fine, I'll come."

Jamie squeezed his eyes shut for a few heartbeats, and when he finally opened them, his face relaxed. "Shall I pick ye up here or at home?"

"No!" she said too abruptly. "I mean, I'll come in my own car and meet you." It was for the best, she thought. "Where shall we meet?"

"At my place. I'll cook. I hope ye like Italian."

Oh, so definitely not a good idea.  "Alright, I'll be there at seven, and I like Italian." 

She made a move to go, but Jamie stopped her. "How about my symptoms?"

Claire smothered a smile. "I'm giving you the all-clear and please, don't forget to pay at the reception." She left the room and headed out to see Mary.

...........

Claire stood outside Jamie's apartment door, fidgeting with the bottle of grappa. She'd arrived fifteen minutes earlier and snuck into his building when a resident came out of the main entrance. Now standing outside in his corridor, she couldn't bring herself to ring his doorbell. What could they possibly talk about that would make her change her mind about their relationship? Taking huge calming deep breaths, she let her head dropped to the left, then to the right of her shoulders, in an attempt to relax, the fragrance of tomato sauce cooking, making her mouth water, a reminder she hadn't eaten the whole day. Although hungry, she was not ready to confront Jamie yet, so she began walking in circles and counting backwards from a hundred.

"What are ye doing, Sassenach? I've been watching ye through the peephole for the last three minutes."

Claire jumped.  Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!   Bloody hell!  She took a deep breath and faced the door. "Alright, open up before I change my mind and go."

"I cannae have ye doing that." The door suddenly swung open, revealing a barefoot Jamie. His hair was still wet from the shower, and he wore a faded black t-shirt and grey sweatpants, a tea towel casually hung on his right shoulder. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the doorjamb and looked at her thoughtfully. 

She frowned at him.  Why does he have to look so good?  "How did you know I was out here?"

"I saw ye parking your car from my window. Ye really ought to practice more on yer parallel parking. Ye're terrible at it."

She scoffed. "It was bloody tight."

"I was waiting for ye to ring the bell so I could buzz ye in and when ye didn't, I thought ye'd gone to the wrong place."

"I was early."

"I'm glad ye're here now." He gazed openly at her, his eyes taking her all in, making her suddenly hot in the cool summery dress she was wearing.

"M-me too." Claire crushed the urge to throw herself at him and strived for calm and common sense. "Something smells good. What's cooking?" When he didn't say anything and continued to stare, she became self-conscious at the intensity of his perusal. "What?"

He sighed. "I'm still trying to decide how to greet ye, but after the way ye ran away the other day, I dinnae want to presume anything."

Her mouth went dry. "How about you let me in, and we'll take it from there?"

He straightened himself and turned sideways, opening the door only a fraction more, hardly giving her enough room to pass. As she squeezed past him, he stopped her and tilted her chin up with a finger. "May I?" he asked, looking at her lips.

Her heart did a double backflip.  Ah, what the hell!  Trying not to think about the hard muscles pressing against her, she licked her lips and nodded. Lowering his head, his eyes lit up, and he smiled. And when he kissed her, it was only a mere brushing of their lips, but it was enough to make her head spin.

"Hi," he whispered against her mouth.

"H-hi." Attempting to get her bearings back on even ground, she held up the bottle in her hand. "Y-you said you were making something Italian, so I b-brought grappa."

He arched an eyebrow. "Grappa? Normally, people bring wine to dinner."

"Ah, I figured you would have had the wine sorted out. This will make a nice aperitif or after-dinner drink. I just wanted to keep the Italian theme going."  God, oh God, he smells so good.  

"Sounds grand." He took the bottle from her hand and smiled. "Are ye coming in?"

"Of course, after you," she stammered, feeling slightly flustered.

"Sassenach?"

"Hmmm?" She was staring at his neck, imagining running her tongue along the column of his throat. 

"Ye're standing on my foot."

"Oh, sorry." She felt the heat creep up her face and darted past him.  Get a grip, Beauchamp! You're here to put an end to this non-relationship thingy!

The moment she stepped in, she instantly forgot her embarrassment and stared with awe at his apartment. The last time she was here, she'd been stood outside in the corridor and never got to see the inside. 

His apartment was bright and spacious and not what she'd expected at all from a bachelor's pad. The living space, kitchen and dining area all flowed into one big open plan. And although it had been modernised, it retained a lot of the Victorian era features with cornice moulding and high ceilings. It had solid oak flooring and beautiful exposed natural woodwork throughout, and sash and case windows. She'd expected dark colours and leathers. Instead, he had a plush L-shape red sofa, silvery-grey area rugs and matching curtains. He didn't have a lot of things except for the hardback books that lined the shelves and laptop and gaming accessories on the coffee table; nevertheless, the apartment looked lived in and very inviting.

"Jamie, your place is beautiful," she gushed. She turned around to find him watching her from the kitchen with an amused expression. After admiring the view from his window, she walked over to the granite island and slid into the stool. "And your kitchen is a chef's dream."

"I'm glad ye like it," he beamed, putting a block of parmesan cheese and grater on a wooden board. "I hope ye like pasta. Most women tend to stay away from carbs."

"I live for carbs." She began to relax as she watched him retrieve the wine and shot glasses and place the already opened bottle of Barbera on the counter. On cue, she uncapped the grappa and poured them their aperitif while Jamie stirred the sauce. "Do you cook all the time?"

"Here at home? Rarely," he replied. "I've only cooked for my brothers and sister when they come over to visit." He dipped a finger into the sauce and put it into his mouth to taste it. And then he grinned.

"Good?"  Oh Lordy, Lordy, he looks delicious enough to eat.

"Uh-huh. Very good." He added a pinch of pepper and stirred the sauce some more, winking at her.

Jamie looked at ease, working the kitchen and seemed to be in his element. It was a shame he wasn't the type to settle down, and the sooner she accepted that fact, the easier it would be for her to move on. "It smells heavenly. What's the sauce?" she asked, striving to sound cheerful.

" Sugo alla puttanesca , basically it's tomato sauce with anchovies, capers and black olives. It's a simple recipe Jenny taught me. It's done now. Want to taste?" 

Claire wondered why he was going through so much trouble just to talk, but she suspected he wanted to put her at ease after she did a runner on him a few days ago. She knew already more or less what he wanted to discuss about, but she'd already made up her mind. She wanted love and marriage and family, and she was never going to get that from Jamie. It was better to nip whatever they have in the bud before the heartache became too much to bear. For now, she was going to enjoy their last evening together before they go their separate ways.

Schooling her features, she got up from her stool and handed him a shot of grappa and picked up hers. "How about a shot first?" She needed one so badly.

"Sure," he said, taking the glass and raising it. "To ye Sassenach."

She sucked in a breath and raised hers. "And to all yer hopes and dreams, Jamie..." she whispered, meaning it with her whole heart and clinking their glasses together. "...may they all come true."

He smiled. "I'll drink to that."

They downed the shot in one go and slammed their glasses down at the same time, the clacking noise on the granite echoing through his kitchen. Claire grimaced at the heat that scorched her throat and Jamie's full lips, still moist from the alcohol, tilted into a mischievous smile. Her eyes watered, and she shook her head.

"Oh good, God, that was strong," she breathed, already feeling the effects of the grappa going into her head. She mentally reminded herself to go easy as she hadn't eaten all day. "I think I'm ready to taste that sauce."

Laughter bubbled out of his chest, and he took her hand and pulled her next to the hob. Scooping a spoonful from the pot, he blew into it and then held to her lips. "Open."

Her jaw dropped, and her mouth was filled with delicious herby tomato sauce. She let it swirl in her tongue and then she smiled. "Mmmm, yum."

He grinned and bit his lip. "More?"

She nodded, her stomach growling noisily.

They both laughed out loud as they heard the grumble.

"Your stomach must really love me," Jamie teased, holding the spoon next to her lips.

She giggled, enjoying the rich taste of the sauce and still feeling the pleasant warmth from the grappa they drank. "Not just my stomach, Jamie. All of me loves you," she said, before opening her mouth.

Jamie's head shot up, and he blinked as if coming to from a long sleep, and she caught the shocked look in his eyes. "What did ye say?"

"Huh?" Her eyes widened, and she clapped a hand over her mouth.  Oh, sweet mother of God, what have I done!  She slowly backed away from him. "What do you think I said?"

Oh, he knows exactly what I've just said.  Claire held her breath and waited for him to call off their evening. Maybe it's for the best now that he knew what she felt. That would probably scare the bejesus out of his wits and save her from long explanations why they couldn't be together. But instead, a slow smile formed his lips. "Ye ken fine what I heard ye say."

"But ..."

He closed the distance between them and lifted her up by the waist and settled her on the kitchen counter. Parting her knees, he pulled her against him. "Tell me again, Sassenach." Before she could reply, he closed his mouth over hers, not giving her a chance to push him away nor to think. His tongue delved into her mouth, plunging inside to mate with hers, his hands firmly gripping her waist.

Raw emotions came in waves and engulfed her, making it hard for her to breathe. This was too much. Jamie must have misunderstood.

Sensing her hesitation, Jamie paused and looked at her, worry marring his features. "What's wrong, Sassenach, speak to me," he whispered. "Did ye not say ye love me?"

Her eyes welled up with tears. There was no point in fibbing and denying it. Jamie had caught her off-guard, and she knew he wasn't going to let the matter go. Resigning herself to the fact he'd never be able to reciprocate the love she had for him, she took deep fortifying breaths and willed the secret deep in her heart to have its say. "I do love you, Jamie and I know you can't love me back. I just can't bear to hear you say it. A-and I know you don't..."

"Ah, Christ." He closed his eyes as if a realisation dawned on him, and Claire saw the sheer anguish that creased his face. He leaned in to tenderly kiss her, his tongue tracing the swollen flesh of her lips, a gesture that bespoke reverence and humility. And when Jamie finally opened his eyes and looked into hers, the air whooshed out of her lungs. He was letting her see it all and allowing her in. The truth was all there to see in his face. "I love ye, Sassenach. I've love ye ever since that day in Lallybroch when I first heard yer voice behind that mask. But I was too daft and full of mysel' not to realise it. I'm so sorry for everything. For the conditions, I've placed on us. Ye didn't deserve that. All of this is new to me, and I'm still grappling, and I ken it's nae excuse for how I've behaved. If ye'll have me back, I promise to make it up for ye."

She was stunned beyond words, disabling her speech for a moment, as joy and relief competed to overwhelm her, but it was too easy. She pulled slightly away from his hold, searching his face. "Jamie, I don't think I have the strength nor the will to compete with the other women."

A pained sound escaped his throat. "Sassenach, there's never been and never will be anyone for me but ye. I thought I had it all before ye came to my life, but now that ye're here, I see my past as nothing but meaningless existence. And the future looks bleak if I cannae see ye in it. There'll never be another woman for me as long as ye walk the face of the earth, and no woman will ever make me feel the way ye do. Ye made me whole, and I would like it to remain that way." His voice struck with intensity as he pulled her in tight and spoke against her lips. "Please, Sassenach, allow me to prove myself."

Her heart started to speed up. "Is this why you asked me to come for dinner tonight?"

"Aye," he replied, stroking her hair. "Because I wanted to talk about this and us, and beg for yer forgiveness. I was running out of ideas to get ye to speak to me that I had to bribe yer receptionist to help me get through to ye."

Claire stilled. "What?? Mary??"

"Aye, the very one." He gave her a lopsided grin. "She wasnae interested in rugby, and she said she's never heard of me before, so I couldnae bribe her with tickets. But I found out she has a weakness for cupcakes and chocolate eclairs." His face turned serious and his brows puckered. "If she knew how desperate I was, she could have asked me for anything, and I would've given it to her just for a chance to speak to ye."

"You could have made your life easier and came to my house ..." she whispered.

"I was tempted, but I thought ...no. There was that possibility ye didnae want to see me anymore, and I didnae want ye feeling trapped in yer own home. All I'm asking for is a second chance, Sassenach."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, unable to believe he wanted her as much as she wanted him. "Yes," she laughed, tears of joy spilling from her eyes.

"Yes?"

The wall she had carefully built around her heart shattered with full force, allowing him to feel and see the love she'd kept hidden for years. "Yes, Jamie. I've loved you for so long and from afar even before we met."

His body sagged against hers, hands roaming all over her back, pulling, tugging and caressing as his lips planted kisses all over her face. "Sassenach, come to the sports award with me, please."

She nodded vigorously as she kissed him back, extracting a ragged groan from him. This time there were no reservations, doubt or question hanging in the air as he lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom. Tonight's dinner could be put on hold a little longer and tomorrow's problems could wait. Because first, they needed to heal each other.

[pawacelsus]

Hello!! I saw your post and I thought I could request(?) something (though you don't have to write this if you don't want to)! How about the Plague Doctor insisting on treating Leper's illness even though he thinks it's useless? And over time they develop a father/daughter relationship. Thank you!! I hope you have fun writing this, as well as avoid a writer's block!!💕💕

Hey there!!! Thank you so much for the request! This was genuinely really fun to write!! I should mention I hc the plague doctor as younger (probably only around 25 at the Most) so!! Felt that should be mentioned! ((also I'm so sorry I can't put a readmore on mobile))

I hope this is okay, and thank you again for the request!!

----

"Come now, Baldwin; you must let me at least /try/."

For the past... Weeks, Paracelsus had been bugging Baldwin over his sickness. Every conversation would devolve to her practically /begging/ for him to unwrap his bandages and let her at least try to treat him.

At first, it was amusing. A small thing to cause him to laugh, albeit at her expense. The doctor was no fool, and yet she seemed insistant that she would be able to do something for him.

And then it began to get annoying. Her persistence would slowly grate on his nerves, until he could barely stand the sight of her. He was indeed good at hiding his growing distaste for her, but it was slowly growing harder to deal with.

But rather than exploding, rather than blowing up at the young woman, he felt all anger fade away. She would not leave until he relented, this he knew. And so, with a tired sigh, he finally nodded.

"Fine." He sighed, and yet upon seeing the way her eyes lit up, he felt a gentle smile tug at his lips.

"Truly?"

"If you wish, then you may."

Instantly she turned and began to walk away, glancing back to motion for Baldwin to follow. He did so with a slow gait. It couldn't hurt, could it? And it would satisfy her curiosity, as well as her constant questioning.

She led him to the small lab the heir had set up for her, no larger than the rooms within the ruins. Within, there was a chair, as well as a small bed. Crude medicinal supplies lined a short desk. Hanging on a wall was three seperate beaked masks. They all looked the same, but were all in different shapes. One was torn up, another looked burned and melted, and the third /seemed/relatively nice, but knowing the doctor he didn't trust it.

Paracelsus motioned towards the bed, giving a satisfied nod when he sat on it. "I'm glad you said yes," she began as she went to fuss around with her supplies. "You've denied me so often that this was going to be my last attempt."

"/Really?/" He blinked, frowning.

"Truly! And that is why I am so ecstatic that you said yes!" The doctor, usually so stoic and reserved, seemed like she could barely contain her excitement. "I understand you suffer from a case of leprosy?"

"You understand correctly," Baldwin replied.

"Why was it that you took so long to let me help?"

"It would be a fools endeavor. I simply tired of your asking." He tilted his head as she grabbed up scissors, clean and well cared-for.

"Mask off, please."

He hesitated. "Are you--"

"Yes, yes, I am indeed sure. I have seen worse, I can assure you."

Although it was a lie, it was a comforting lie. With a slow sigh, Baldwin took off the golden mask. The cool air on his skin was soothing, and he failed to repress a satisfied sigh. He then turned his gaze to Paracelsus, who hadn't flinched. At least not visibly.

"Your case is worse than I thought," she said after a few moments of studying him. She then pulled off the crude "hood" he wore, humming. She was careful not to stab him with her mask, something that made him want to laugh.

She then took off his gloves and began to cut off the bandages on his skin, being surprisingly gentle. He had seen the way she could mangle a bandit, but seeing the way she treated his body with gentleness was yet another comfort.

"I'll let you keep the armor on," she said after a moment. "But I wonder, how much would a sample hurt you?"

- - - -

When Paracelsus finally finished her treatments, Baldwin had several bloody wounds. The doctor had been as careful as she could, but there were several times where she simply couldn't avoid hurting him. Not that he minded, he was used to the way it hurt.

When she finished, he could tell how happy she was. "Once again, I must thank you. The fact that you /finally/ said yes..."

He reached for his mask, donning it once again. "I do not know why you wished to do so, but of course."

"There is a cure for everything. Every little disease, every little illness, you can cure it. Sometimes, it is through the immune system itself. Other times, that cure is sought out. This will be no different, my friend." She sat down on her chair, her posture as straight as Baldwin's.

"You believe that?" He couldn't hide his incredulous tone, raising an eyebrow. Paracelsus nodded.

"Why yes, I do. Why would you give up without at least attempting to find a cure?"

"I spent ages trying to find a cure. There is none to be found." He was about to say something else when Paracelcus sat down next to him.

"I think, respectfully, that you are wrong. I will find a cure, that I promise." She looked over at him. "These are simply the first steps. We shall no longer mitigate the symptoms, we shall now begin to treat them."

Baldwin felt himself smile before he could stop it. It was not one of hope, but rather one of affection. "You truly do believe that."

Silence fell between them, comforting to Baldwin. The doctor was a curious girl, usually so quiet and grounded. And yet, here she was, talking about her grand plan to /cure/ him.

A side he knew she rarely, if ever, showed.

He didn't fight back the smile.

Instead, he stood up and reached for the bandages. Paracelsus quickly grabbed them up and went to help wrap him up again, humming a short tune to herself.

It was familiar, something he used to sing as a child. The words were long forgotten, but the melody was unforgettable. He began to hum along with her, grabbing the bandages as well to help. She stopped what she was going to look at him, tilting her head to the side. "You know it?"

"Of course I do." He chuckled. "T'was something from when /I/ was young. Though you did mess up a little bit."

"How did I?" she started to wrap him up again.

And so Baldwin sang, a gentle song from his childhood, memories he had long since forgotten. A soft melody, a soothing tune.

By the time he had finished, Paracelsus had finished wrapping him and was busy putting on his cowl. He pulled on his gloves and adjusted it, looking down at the doctor.

"I suppose your way is just as correct, little one."

Paracelsus pulled up her mask, smiling at him. "I promise, Baldwin, I will find a cure. I shall."

"I trust you will." He then gave her a slow nod, avoiding touching her. She nodded back.

"And thank you, once again."

"Your thanks is not needed, my friend. Get some rest. I am certain the heir will need your help soon. You are a talented physician."

She beamed, albeit for just a second. And then she went back to cleaning up, dismissing Baldwin. He walked out of the lab, a foreign spring to his step.

Then it was gone in but a second, replaced by growing concern. This estate is cursed, what if something awful happened to her? He was used to tragedy, used to awful things happening, and yet now the fear was growing. What if something happened to the doctor?

What if she was killed and he wasn't there to help? What if she was killed and he /was/ there, and yet he couldn't save her? The anxiety and the fear all bubbling up within--

And then it was gone once again. He would simply be there for her. She had trusted him with a rare side of herself, right? She trusted him, and so he would be certain to prove her right. Her trust in his was rightfully placed.

He began to walk away, head held high. People didn't look at him, instead fleeing from the broken man, but he was not hurt. He had stopped being hurt by it long ago. But now, he barely even noticed.

Whether Paracelsus succeeded or not no longer mattered to him. He would die soon anyways, be it by a monster's blade or his own ailment. He had accepted that long ago.

But now, as long as he lived, he would make sure she was okay. That is what mattered to him now. She surely didn't even know how he now cared for her, but he did.

She shall be okay, and he shall guarantee it until his last breath.