#the queer community is not really a safe space for us either

[will80sbyers]

the amount of blatant biphobia in queer spaces is really overwhelming sometimes I'm so so tired of this

[genderqueerdykes]

i need you all to realize that man hating & antimasculism disproportionally affects trans women & transfemmes.

not always, but much of the time, before trans women and femmes figure out their gender, they will likely be identifying as cis men before exposure to queer community and terminology. like i really don't get why people understand that in all likelihood, the trans woman that came out 40 years ago identified as a cis man before realizing they were a trans woman. like i hate to break it to people, but a lot of trans girls identified as a cis man at one point in their life.

this hurts trans women and transfemmes who are closeted or trying to come out. this creates a space where trans women and femmes who haven't come out yet don't feel safe to. this creates a space where masculine and butch trans women feel unwelcome and like they will be misgendered and treated like men. this means that a lot of trans women and femmes either stay in the closet/never come out, or struggle to find community, because we feel alienated by the fact that our gender assigned at birth is somehow a problem for everyone else.

this also affects trans women and femmes who don't/can't pass, don't/can't take hormones, don't want to socially transition, and so on. this also REALLY hurts trans women who are bi/multigender and still identify as a cis man on some level. this hurts intersex trans women. this hurts trans women who still consider themselves gay men. this hurts two spirit trans women. this hurts nonbinary trans women. this hurts butch trans women. this hurts so many more trans women & femmes than you realize.

like idk maybe it's because the people behaving this way aren't trans women, but i don't know why it's hard to grasp this. most trans people identify as cis before we realize we're trans. it's how we're conditioned. many of us are not aware that you can even BE trans until we meet other trans people. stop chasing away the questioning tgirls who aren't sure yet. stop chasing away transfem eggs who need exposure to other transfems. stop chasing away multigender trans women who identify as cis men as well.

some women used to be men. don't shame them for that. some women are also men at the same time. don't shame them for that.

stop this behavior. it affects all queers, but it hurts trans women way more than you realize.

[funhouse-mirror-barbie]

I just. I don’t really want to keep talking about it, but I have to get these feelings out because the more I think about Somerton’s excuses video the angrier I get, ESPECIALLY given his insistence in the video that there isn’t a real community within LGBTQ spaces—specifically this quote; “We wanted it to be a channel where every queer person could feel welcomed... And we failed at that. That is something that, in hindsight, I think is impossible to create.”*

Because wow! Aren’t you the one who called Becky Albertalli, a bisexual woman, straight ?? Aren’t you the one who has consistently stolen queer and lgbtq people’s work as your own , profiting off of their labor and research and time? Aren’t you the one who sicced your fan base on smaller creators who noticed your plagiarism??? Aren’t YOU the one who LIED blatantly about lesbians “historically having it easier” than gay men ?? That LIED about Radclyffe Hall’s book being banned and destroyed???? What was it you said?? That she got to go on with “her merry little life”???

Fuck you. How dare you.

How dare you say there is no community, no safe space for all of us, when you have literally done NOTHING but maliciously and consistently stolen from, lied to, manipulated, and put down and bullied the community.

You have done nothing but try to break apart and put down your lgbtq siblings, so of course you believe that solidarity, safety, and intersectionality within our community is not something that can exist.

There are lgbtq people who are actively working to make those spaces, where everyone feels welcomed, but you clearly see yourself as being above that, above collaboration and community, above listening to other’s experiences.

You only think that a space where all queer and lgbtq people are welcomed and feel safe is impossible because your goal was never to carve out that space. It was to make money and take advantage of the people who looked up to you.

You think it’s impossible because you never once thought about the people you were stealing from, never once cared about the community, our history, the activism of our elders and all they did, never thought about how your actions and lies would hurt the community.

Stop making excuses and lying. Be fucking better.

———————————————————————

*(Somerton, James. “A Measured Response.” YouTube, uploaded by James Somerton, 26 February 2024, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kCNByQ6WopM)

(And that’s how you cite a FUCKING source, James. It took me a minute, after two seconds of research on how to source a YouTube video. Fuckhead)

*I added the link to the video to make a point, as you need to have it in citations. The video is monetized, so please either don’t click it and watch elsewhere OR watch with ad-blockers.

[hillbillyoracle]

So I saw this screencap earlier

And I thought it was a great chance to talk about something.

A lot of progressive folks are familiar with the fact that right wing circles use feminine as a derogatory term and that there's a real cost to that for women.

What people are less familiar with is how it hurts men - queer and straight, cis and trans.

And I'm not shocked given how common it is in left leaning spaces to be reactionary (read: dismissive or outright harass) when men try to talk about these what these issues look like for them.

When men talk about how they've experienced toxic masculinity and anti-feminine bias, in addition to the usual right wing responses, I'm starting to see a bunch of supposed feminists and trans/queer allies harass them as well - saying they're hurting women/feminine presenting folks by "centering men", dismissing their concerns as made up (even when there's research to back it up), "why aren't you talking about what this is like for cis and trans women instead??".

I've seen trans men accused of being TERFs or being liars (by other trans people even - wtf) when they talk about their experiences of allies actively excluding them from trans spaces or harassing them for using T4T tags. I've seen men be accused of lying about publicly accessible clinical research that shows men make up 75%-77% of suicide cases - or worse suggest they deserve it. I see posts about how men's complaints "aren't unique to them" and dismiss them because women also suffer things those authors assume are the same (even when the research contradicts this).

And here's the thing:

When you assume feminine=good/safe/gentle and masculine=bad/unsafe/enemy - you're parroting a conservative talking point.

There is no way around this fact.

A big part of what underpins child rearing being "the woman's domain" in conservatism, is the idea that men are inherently dangerous and therefore shouldn't really be around children without women present.

The reason why they blame women for abuse and rape - because they believe men are inherently dangerous and if a woman trusted them then it's her fault.

Part of why women have been effectively banned from many trades and careers for so long is the assumption that being around that many men presents an inherent danger to a woman.

"But!" you might be saying, "This person is clearly talking about men engaging in open conflict as good here!"

Yeah because conservatives see politics as an inherently male/dangerous/toxic sphere and uphold it as such.

I could go on and on really.

All of this is to say - please be more thoughtful in what you consume, comment, and reblog.

There are experiences specific to being masculine. Erasing that is one, a dick move, but two, particularly violent toward those talking about trans masculine, minority masculine, disabled masculine, and queer masculine experiences.

All privilege comes at a cost. Listening when people talk about that cost is key building a new more fair reality. Seeing the privilege is not worth the cost makes fervent allies. Want more allies? Don't be a dick to people having that realization.

Push back against the assumption of woman=good and man=bad when you see it - especially in community spaces. The amount of times I've seen domestic violence services only available to women is insane...

Do not let identarian politics blind you to the fact we're all human and working toward our own liberation should not come at the oppression of another. Believe me, those with real power would much rather you stay raging out at men in a similar class with you than directing your efforts at them.

The right wing wants you to believe it's either/or. Fuck that - it's both/and.

[velvetvexations]

"Trans women are women" used to be seen as this radical stance, a stance against the exceedingly popular standrd cis belief of "trans women are men" Now we're expected to believe that whole push was a lie? That "trans women are spicy women" is a belief that transmisogynists have? Transmisogynists?? The ones adamant about misgendering trans women as men? That's been their whole thing in fact...? They believe trans women are women and hate THAT?

They're just lying because it's fun to be mean to women. Such is the true beliefs of TRFs.

I wish I could submit a Patrick's wallet meme to you on anon because I swear every trf argument I see about how trans people are TOTALLY seen as our actual genders by cishet society really does feel like: "Terfs keeps creaming about how much they despise men and manly features, going so far as calling features usually belonging to people AMAB disgusting in great detail be they on women or men, correct?" "Yep." "And they talk in depth about how testosterone is poison and will turn you into a monster, correct?" "Uh-huh." "They speak regularly of how even male infants are evil, and cisgender lesbian separatism is the only way for women to be safe, you've noticed?" "They sure do." "And it's not just terfs either - plenty of transphobic talking heads otherwise all over the political spectrum conceptualize trans people as people 'pretending' to be the 'opposite' gender, as I'm sure you've seen?" "Yeah, I'm real sick of it." "So you understand, then, that much of the idea that trans women are an immediate physical threat to 'real' women and to straight men - the driver of arguably the majority of transmisogynistic violence - is based in misgendering?" "STOP CALLING TRANS WOMEN MEN AND STOP TRYING TO PRETEND MEN ARE OPPRESSED!!!1!!1!1 THEY'RE LYING ABOUT THEIR BELIEFS OR ELSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TREATED ME LIKE A FAGGOT BEFORE I CAME OUT, WHICH IS A FATE THAT HAS NEVER BEFALLEN A SINGLE MAN EVER!!!11!11!" ...come to think of it, do you think that last line is part of why so damned many of them are so determined to "crack the egg" of every GNC man or nonbinary person AMAB that they see? To prove that this kind of hatred is ONLY aimed at trans women and that proves their ~essential soul gender~ is real? Because honestly, fucking weak and pathetic.

kinna but that's mostly because they are just genuinely toxic whenever they see a man who could be a woman instead e.g. every crossdressing subculture

it's incredible that 'transphobes don't see trans women as women and they don't see trans men as men' is a controversial take now. what in the fuck is going on

unhealthy validation addiction

fellas, is it transphobic to acknowledge that transphobes are transphobic?

literally

The thing that bothers me the most about trfs is just how online they are, and I don't mean that to say they're harmless - I mean the opposite. I grew up in a VERY isolated neighborhood. I knew all of 2 other queer people in town. There certainly weren't hangouts for us. The nearest largeish city was a 3-hour, $100 round trip away - and that was also the closest other city-town-thing, at all. Going outside to meet queer community was NOT an option for me. What did I have? Why, I had the internet! As an adult I ended up moving to a relatively-nearby city. I also ended up being pretty badly disabled. Now I have access to outside queer gathering places...sort of. When I have the energy to go. Which isn't that often, and sometimes my choices of where to go are further limited because a lot of these things are in historical buildings with ADA exemptions so I can't actually get in the door in my wheelchair; I have to save those ones for the best of days. But the internet is still there for me! And no, offline queer spaces aren't utopian, you can still meet some REAL pieces of work there, the internet didn't INVENT exclusionist discourse - my (later admitted heterosexual!) mother had a whole stint as a political lesbian before the internet existed, so I know that from far too intimate experience - but the behavior there does usually seem to be tempered by 1) seeing as obviously as possible that the person you're talking to is a human being, not a disembodied source of words from the ether or a chatbot or whatever, and 2) being way more likely to get caught and thrown out and have the proprietor side against you if you start a fight. So who does this vile bigoted shit disguised as liberatory feminism affect the most? People who don't HAVE anywhere else to go, regularly or at all. Thanks, I fucking hate it.

Yeah. I'm completely alone out here and it sucks. People who don't have community need it the most.

tw for discussion of misogynistic hate crimes and things of that nature that happens in countries outside the global west it is SO glaringly obvious that the people in this stupid trans discourse are largely privileged and from western countries because they don’t think at ALL about people from other countries the trans woman in the middle east who can leave the country due to being AMAB is, in fact, more privileged than the trans man who can’t leave at all because he was AFAB and needs a man’s permission the trans women who aren’t being sold off as child brides ARE more privileged than the trans men who are forced to marry at age 12 and have children right off the bat like it is not that fucking cut and dry. there are more methods of oppression than transmisogyny and western problems. having privilege is far more complicated than that. and to be honest, i don’t think being ‘tme’ is much of a privilege when you’re the person AFAB who’s been murdered in an honour killing

Yeah, there's always complexity but people are obsessed with a black and white view where there's universally one good group and one bad group. It's why tankies exist. Cannot fathom that the West is bad and also maybe North Korea at the same time.

That - lady's entire blog is just her shitting on the "wrong" type of transgender person. Once again, people in our community are spending all their time infighting an attacking each other as opposed to actually fighting oppression. It's sad.

as ever

The fact that it’s now a cancellable offense to acknowledge that transphobes don’t see us as our actual gender(s) is so ridiculous I don’t even know what to say. I'm so sorry you consistently have people taking you in bad faith. This is one of the worst cases of wilful ignorance I’ve seen in a while. Seriously, I’m just dumbfounded. How the fuck did it get this bad?

this was sent right after I answered the anon mentioning a 'schism' so I'm assuming that's what it's in reference to specifically and dadgum it's more frustrating when it's people who should know better and have taken swings like this at me out of nowhere before

at least I know TRFs are going to TRF but it's exhausting having to deal with "so you're misgendering trans women??? the transandrophobia tag has officially become what it was always said to be!" from people in the same orbit, like disagree with me but can people please disagree with what I actually said before getting people apparently disavowing everyone involved in that thread?

and people have it rough sometimes and go through rough things and I feel for them going through rough things but that's not related to me so I'd appreciate not being swept into whatever other break is happening with other people who, again, aren't me

ppl be saying “to tmes it’s all genderfuck man in dress, until she asks you to respect her pronouns” like! i hate to break it to you but man in a dress isnt automatically a trans woman!!! that’s on you (general) for thinking that!!

they really fucking hate crossdressing men lmao and in fairness queer cis men have a lot of issues with misogyny but their identities are not mockeries of transfemininity and I need people to stop acting like it

ugh i hate that there are constantly posts in the transandrophobia tag that are like "well even though trans women are obviously more opressed and are totally right for hating us for our gender, could we maybe please have a word?? please we PROMISE we know we're evil for our male/afab privilege but just let us discuss our lesser issues a little bit" like omfg they're never gonna pick you

All of those people have me blocked lol.

[turningsoft]

SORRY for putting this on the byler tag, but i'm on the verge of tears and don't know what else to do. i could really use feeling less alone rn. once again, i'm sorry

today lgbt+ community was officially banned in my country. being queer is now considered extremism and is punishable by law (up to 12 years in prison). ppl can literally end up arrested for a fucking rainbow pin. or for saying they're gay in public. internet spaces aren't safe either

feeling very will byers back in hawkins rn. funny how even at times like this i still find ways to think about stranger things

[sophieinwonderland]

Found a Hate Blog in The #Plural Tag. 😮‍💨

As I covered recently, "Plural" is an inclusive word with origins in endogenic and non-disordered systems.

If any anti-endo posts in the "#plural" tag or other inclusive tags, don't expect your DNIs to be respected.

They also are doing this knowingly. People have already tried to contact them about using the inclusive plural tag and the hate blog has stubbornly refused.

So if they're going to post in inclusive tags, I figured I might as well respond to some of their vent posts in anti-endo tags. As always, if anti-endos have a problem with this or feel boundaries are being unfairly crossed, please take it up with the hate blog I'm responding to that's invading our spaces.

Also, really weird how they just jump straight into saying "pro-endos" aren't systems either. Hate to break it to you, but there are a lot of traumagenic DID systems whose disorders and trauma are just valid as yours. And they manage to not be bigots too!

Wait... are they claiming that ALL dissociation can only be caused by trauma?

Although previous research has implicated a history of childhood trauma in the development of dissociative tendencies, insufficient cognizance (in this context) has been taken of the distinction between pathological and nonpathological dissociation. In this study, the relationship between childhood trauma and both pathological and nonpathological dissociation was investigated in a sample of 100 Australian adults. Pathological dissociation was positively predicted by dimensions of childhood trauma, but no such relationship was found for nonpathological dissociation (psychological absorption). The data are consistent with the traumagenic model of the dissociative disorders, but factors other than childhood trauma may also be pertinent.

Amazing how they compare us with anti-vaxxers while trying to claim all dissociation is traumagenic. This wasn't even hard to find. 🙄

"I don't care about any morals"

Well, at least you're up front about it.

Also, I tend to check the DID tags every now and then and you know what I don't see there? Endogenic systems!

"#Endo Safe" tags are more often than not used by pro-endo traumagenic systems.

Guess what! If you have DID, you get to post in the DID tags. Being a hateful bigot isn't a requirement! Anyone with DID has the right to post in the DID tags, and can tag their post as endo safe too!

Maybe you wouldn't get as many anons from endogenic systems if you stop posting in inclusive tags. Just a thought!

How are they harmful to the community again?

Weren't you just saying earlier that pro-endos were stealing resources? Now you're acknowledging that they're making resources for the community, but this is also bad?

LOL!

Genic labels literally only exist because of the pro-endo community. And the anti-endo community notoriously hates xeno-origins like NPD-genic. Yes, people will assume you're endo-safe when you use xeno-origins because these terms, like most resources in the plural community, were made by pro-endos.

Keep it up guys! It's working! We're spreading!

Sorry, I don't feel like rebutting anything here. I just appreciate seeing that our efforts are paying off!

The Future is Plural! 😁

Stop!

This talking point has been completely debunked.

System hopping was used by pro-endos 15 years before the earliest association with RAMCOA. The idea that it was a RAMCOA term is a total lie invented by anti-endos!

OSDD-1A and OSDD-1B are not actually official disorders. There is an OSDD. The first example, called OSDD-1 sometimes, gives two possible presentations. One with less distinct alters and amnesia, and another with no amnesia. But these aren't called OSDD-1a or OSDD-1b.

If your goal is education, this nuance is important.

Could it be because ASPEC people have dealt with a ton of exclusionism from some queer communities, and are more accepting of other people as a result? And perhaps they also recognize similarities between system exclusionists and queer exclusionists?

You're coming and posting in our tags!

That's why people keep interacting with you! "Plural" is a term coined by non-disordered systems, you've been told this, and you insist on posting in inclusive tags anyway!

You don't get to bust in someone's door, complain about them in their home, and then tell them not to interact with you! It doesn't work like that!

Funny how these are the only sources they can provide. And they exclusively deal with DID without even touching on other forms of plurality.

Anyway...

The ICD-11 says you can experience "multiple distinct personality states" without a dissociative disorder.

The creators of the theory of structural dissociation have said hypnosis and mediumship may involve self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality.

And Transgender Mental Health, written by Eric Yarbrough and published by the American Psychiatric Association (who publishes the DSM) says you can be plural without trauma or a disorder.

Sources repeatedly affirm that it's possible to be plural without trauma!

Anyone who claims it's impossible to be plural without trauma is either ignorant or lying.

And if you're going to keep spreading hate and misinformation, at least keep it out of inclusive tags!

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

When my wife and I first started fucking dating, we had a shorthand phrase we would exchange when someone was being...some kind of way about gender and sex and sexuality...to sort of indicate to each other what we thought was happening.

"I see we've decided to round to the nearest dick."

See, wifey and I are both trans and bisexual in REALLY similar ways, but with different AGABs right? And we noticed with time that interesting trends showed up. For me, people, even those who know I'm bisexual, treat me like they would treat me as a straight person in their life. Wifey often gets treated like loved ones treat exclusively gay people. Then with gender it's similar! People assume I *don't* have a dick and so they treat me like they would treat [failed] women in their lives. They assume Wifey DOES have a dick and treat her like they would treat a [failed] man in their life. Even beyond that, when wifey and I are TOGETHER, we are automatically defaulted into the "straight" category or the "gay" category depending on which of us (how many of us) they are assuming has a dick, and then defers authority in the relationship to whoever they think has the dick.

It's all gender essentialism all the way down, and interrelated essentialism across the whole spectrum, butit shows up in different ways depending on how people perceive our relationship to our genetalia

And it IS about our genetalia because it almost always gets explicit about it at some point.

I think what I've always found the most interesting is how other queer and trans folks interact with the concept of rounding to the nearest dick, including how we as a community wield it against each other laterally. The experience of being called "basically a woman" by lesbian partners in order to reconcile their discomfort with my gender (as distinct from lesbian partners whose reconciliation of my gender with their sexuality involved calling THEMSELVES "basically alesbian" or some similar iteration that emphasized the importance/meaning of THEIR identity WITHOUT commenting on my own) while Wifey gets treated like "basically a man" because of how race, gender, and sexuality intersect for her. The experience of being told I am excempt from certain realities not based on ACTUAL lack of the experience but based on a feeling of ownership people believe they have over how those experiences may manifest in the world, like when someone says "well trans men aren't oppressed anymore" so I shouldn't take up space in women's communities, men's communities, OR trans-general communities. Or like when someone told wifey that gay men haven't been oppressed since same sex marriage.

Like A) you're simply fucking wrong, and B) even if you were RIGHT, I'm NOT a trans man and my wife ISN'T a gay man. So why would that mean anything about us?

Part of what we both noticed is that the function of "rounding to the nearest dick" is usually about silencing or side-lining someone. WHO exactly is relational and context dependent, but essentially it boils down to "I need one of us to be explicitly less empowered than the other of us to feel safe navigating our interaction"

Sometimes it's preferrable to BE the disempowered (e.g. justification of horizontal hostility) and others to be the disempowerING (e.g. gatekeeping access to socio-economic resources) but in either case, we explicitly see gender wielded asymmetrically and selectively to create and redirect power. Not as something intrinsic to a person or within their control. And I think it's interesting as a trans person to experience gender explicitly as power even when, for me, that's never what it's been. It's interesting to see how people engage with that power when THEY don't usually experience it that way.

Anyway, rounding to the nearest dick is something I think we should all avoid, in part because maybe we should stop focusing in so much on people's gender and sexuality having ANYTHING intrinsic/inherent to them, as opposed to a layer of context within the wholeness of their lives

[seeminglydark]

How did Caro go about figuring out their gender identity when they were on their own? You mentioned that they tried "they" and "he" pronouns before settling on "they" - can you talk about that more?

Sure can! In case theres some reading this who may not have read my comics or know the background but stumbled on my art on accident, ill give a little breakdown of their journey. Caro grew up in a really small town with really restrictive parents. They start out knowing they are not a girl. but not really having any idea what that means exactly, and not having access to the resources or a safe place to find out. They start out using he/him because at the time (16 in most of the stories i show them in their teenage years) they arent actually aware theres more of a spectrum than just a binary, they think being a boy is the only way to not be a girl. Their friend, Sully, while being openly gay and having a bit more of an idea about some things, doesnt know much about gender expression or gender-queerness either, so he does what he can to support what they both think is the right fit. apparently neither if them thinks to go to a library. After sully leaves, Caro is left to struggle on their own. They know they are trans, but they are still nervous about exploring things without someone holding their hand, ptsd from extremely intense helicopter parents perhaps and being kicked out for knowing at the very least, they arent the girl everyone always forced them into. They meet their current agent, Goldie, somewhere around 20 years old, at this point they have not revealed their face or gender even in their podcast (for those who listen, ive kept those things very vague since its supposed to be canonical with their life journey). Goldie encourages them to explore more what feels right to them and helps them get in touch with gender affirming resources, 'He' felt close, but it was never really that aha yes its me! moment. They learn about nonbinary, genderfluid, etc through research and help from other people in the community they meet through Goldie, therapy resources and also people they meet via their podcast. They actually do try out a few things, canonically they go from she to he to genderfluid (any pronoun) to they, which feels the best for them. present day Caro doesnt mind 'he' either, they just mostly stick with They. i WILL be exploring this in the podcast, so that story will be told in more detail as time goes on as well. Bonus answer: the reason why i wrote their journey like this, is because Caro is how i explored MY gender identity. They started out as a tool i used to try on different hats and research in a safe space (a fictional character), meet and talk with people to find what gender expression worked best for me, also going from she to he to fluid (any) to nonbinary (they.) i did not have restrictive parents or come from a small town, but im in my 40s, and there wasnt a lot of resource available where i grew up for trans kids in the 90s. i knew i wasnt a girl, and for me, boy seemed like my only other option until i learned that gender is not a binary and i actually had many ways i could go, until i found what felt right to me. and honestly, it was as simple as someone calling me 'They' in passing because they werent sure how to refer to me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my mid thirties and frankly, it was so relieving to finally have a pronoun that felt like ME! I think perhaps it was as simple for Caro as well. Unforch I cant give you a solid answer as to WHY they felt right for me or Caro. i just know it did, i think perhaps that an individual feeling for everyone who is figuring things out. Some people just KNOW, and others like me, know *something* and find out what the means for them along the way. <3

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[rayneisnotwet]

Well that isn’t what we expected is it? Trump winning the white house. In the salient words of Miss Juicy, ”What the hell we gon’ do now?”. Everyone has a different idea. “We need to engage in our communities!” , “I’m moving to Canada!”, “I’m doing c*ke in the bathroom!” some cry out. Others are disengaging from the zeitgeist, and with it, apparently, social media. But when people announce these reactionary ideas of theirs, it feels more like a child yelling that they hate their parents because they got their Xbox taken away than a serious strategy to avoid oppression. I get it though, everyone just wants a change now. The hottest new accessory is going to be a poorly thought out style choice. Short haircuts with clumsy dye jobs and a trashcan full of “I’m with her!” memorabilia is how everyone dealt with this last time. But what is really the answer to this feeling?

Well, you’re all in luck. Because as a Trans drag queen in the midwest with an enhanced ID, I have the insight into all these coping methods. I write this while smoking a skinny cig. sitting on a picnic table in my childhood backyard, on property that’s interest rates doubled so fiercely it convinced both my parents to vote Trump and pushed me farther left than I thought was possible before I just detransitioned into Mao Zedong. I doubt that social media breaks announced via Instagram story or a vote for a failed businessman turned reality star or a jar of Manic Panic Amazon Primed to your door is going to make any of us feel any better, or bring the dollar menu at the drive thru back.

The Canadian immigration website crashed in 2016 after Trump won the first time, and to be fair I can see why. Everytime I visit, a feeling of relaxation washes over me. Not just because it's where my boyfriend lives, but because it's a genuinely very easy place. People stroll instead of scurrying through the streets. Even in Toronto, the largest city. The food is fantastic as well. The cosmopolitan-and just like that, I started ordering them-attitudes lead to a huge mix of cultures that seem to coexist in a much more mixed fashion than the notoriously segregated US. Sure, there’s the french-speaking Quebecois, but every country has annoying people. The friendliness is no joke either (as long as it’s not a service worker), people ask you how you are as a question, rather than a greeting.

Canada isn’t a liberal wonderland though, despite what Justin Trudeau might lead you to believe. During my Toronto visit, I checked out Dundas Square, the canuck equivalent of Times Square (there was no one in knockoff Elmo costumes). As soon as we stepped out of the subway station it was awash with the sounds of protest. A First Nations demonstration played out, with people chanting “LET HIM GO!” while drum beats punctuated the cries. A woman sat on a speaker holding a microphone, telling the heart-wrenching story of her son who had been shot during a wellness check by police in the midst of a mental health crisis. I wanted to support and join in the chanting, but my boyfriend advised not to, warning me the TPS were just as brutal as any American police department, especially to Trans women. Moments later a man, middle aged, bald, and white, started hitting on me aggressively. My boyfriend immediately shielded me from him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer and made a scene. Another man chimed in, “That's not a ‘She’ bro!”

We got out of there fast.

So while Canada may have a more charismatic leader on the world stage, and policies that protect its vulnerable communities slightly better than the US, it’s not a utopia for Queers. Least of all Trans women or Two Spirit people. The truth is there is no such thing as safe spaces. As long as tribalism is baked into our monkey brains, we will find something to point at and feel superior about over someone else. I’ve actually felt more disrespected in some majority white gay male bars than I have in dives in my hometown of bumfuck Jackson playing the UofM game on their tv. A word of advice to The Dolls, don’t underestimate the cruelty of men. 🚬 or not. That isn’t to say I hadn't found community in a lot of Queer parties.

I had started my post-election-pity-party at Necto in Ann Arbor for the finale of the UofM-student-powered drag competition reality show Runway Rumble. Michigan’s best and brightest new talent (and others) battling it out for the belt. Those of us that had been eliminated were doing a group number with the finalists and accepting awards. The energy was electric, people were excited to see each other and drinks were flowing. I can't speak for coke in the bathroom because I was in an outfit that didn't allow for bathroom visits, and frankly a bank account that didn't allow for coke.

With all the excitement and nerves in the air about who would clinch the win, it felt like our community’s political turmoil was dead and gone. Although, some people were drinking so much I thought they might go the same way.

Spoiler alert, Belladonna won the competition, and for me that was such a relief. To see a Trans woman win a competition like this and receive the recognition she so rightly deserved as a fixture in the Detroit scene was vindicating as a Doll Supremacist. Shoutout to you diva, you did that shit. Big shoutout also to one of the judges, Pineapple Honeydew, for finger-waving my look that night. I hugged Bella and joined in on the rest of the cast and crew who were inundating her with congratulations, and that's when I realized something. In this bar, on this stage, in THIS moment, Trump wasn’t president. He’ll never be president of Necto, or president of drag. This place, these people, were presidentless. This country may have elected him with the popular vote, but that didn’t matter here. His political success couldn’t take away Belladonna’s Drag excellence. Or Portia’s for creating the show. Or mine for leaving my mark on the show as Drama Diva and holder of the Golden Boot. No. Our community, its survival and ability to thrive, was entirely dependent on US, not THEM.

So yes, things will be much more difficult now. This will be a tough time for Trans kids, for immigrants, especially mexicans. A tough time for the elderly on social security, a battle for young mothers and young women trying NOT to become mothers. For blue collar workers in unions, for their families. Entire classes of people, communities, towns, families, they’ll be ripped apart. We’ve already seen how populism injected into right-wing politics can create the perfect siren’s song to attract members of our family, turning them into strangers. But at the end of the day, the days gotta end. Will we all take this lying down? Or with a smile on our faces, a tequila sunrise in one hand and our loved ones hand in the other? Our community, no, we protest and sing and dance and drink and dress up and be gay! Openly! Loudly! Until they realize we really aren’t going anywhere.

[genderqueerdykes]

Thank you. Genuinely thank you so fucking much. I'm a trans guy who's been scared to talk about issues I deal with as a trans guy because it feels like any time I see a transmasc talking about anything someone or a lot of someones yell at them and harass them for hating trans women. I feel like it's only been getting worse and worse.

And yes, I fully understand that trans women have it really fucking bad, and are the main focus of a lot of IRL transphobia while trans men have moreso flown under the radar. But it seems like online, trans men have become the punching bag simply for being men. People call us evil for our gender.

It's just. Really nice to see someone standing up for us I guess.

I saw punkitt making a similar post and getting some horrific hatred, so I hope you're doing ok <3

hey, you're very welcome! thanks for taking the time to send this ask, i appreciate it

i'm honestly just so tired of watching people treat others like shit just because they've been mistreated. yes society treats trans women like shit. we know this, we're the ones experiencing it. we don't need to push that pain off on to someone else. instead of addressing our pain and tackling it head on, so many trans women and transfemmes are defaulting to attacking men and manhood to try to soothe that ache instead of just dealing with the actual goddamn fucking problem.

it's not okay that we've made trans men feel like they quite literally cannot even fucking talk. and it's not even JUST online where trans men and mascs are the punching bags, either, the fucked up truth about this is that it has bled into real world queer spaces. this is why we're seeing trans men and mascs getting kicked out of trans and queer spaces. this is why we're seeing people openly mock trans men and talk about misgendering trans men in person like as if that's somehow normal. this is happening in real life too it's not just online

i honestly don't give a shit if people wanna get mad at me over this and call me transmisogynistic or whatever. we have fostered an environment where we are telling trans women and transfemmes that it's literally okay to speak FOR and OVER other trans people, and that trans women and transfemmes are the only ones who "truly know" or whatever and it's actively damaging all of our communities. it's hurting people in real time. this isn't progressive, it's just hurting people.

it will never be progressive to assert that women and femmes are incapable of hurting others. even if that woman or femme has it very, very badly, they are still very much capable of hurting others. it doesn't matter how much someone suffers, they still have the capability of hurting others. stay safe out there, take it easy, and remember that you don't deserve to hate yourself for being a trans man. you're not hurting anyone by virtue of existing as a man

[noelle-holi-gay]

Hey all,

I don't like to post about drama here, but frankly, the targeted harassment in this fandom is seriously out of control, and it's really disheartening to see that shit still propagating in this predominately queer fandom space on tumblr, even amidst the current situation with the Tumblr CEO and Predstrogen's ban.

I'm going to be honest here: It doesn't matter where you stand in the whole overly-messy poorly-defined "proship vs antiship" discourse, spreading 'callouts' is not okay. Pushing for mass reports is not okay. Accusing transfems of being 'child groomers' (jesus christ!) is not okay! These are the same tactics that TERFs and religious conservatives and the goddamn chuds on kiwifarms use to endanger, isolate, and oppress trans people all the time.

I know a lot of my followers here are young and queer, and I urge you all, please, don't fall for these cheap attempts at dividing our community. I promise you, with all my heart and soul, that the trans people in this fandom who make content you may find problematic or distasteful or uncomfortable are not your enemies. You're allowed to dislike or even despise their content, and if that's the case, then block them and move on (I do this extremely often and recommend it greatly) -- but you don't need to drive them out with torches and pitchforks, for fucks sake.

If the bigots of the world had their way, we will ALL hang together, no matter what we post online, and I'm frankly tired of people saying they support transfems and then turning around and trying to run us out of town as soon as anyone accuses us of doing anything problematic. It is a scary time to be trans right now, and it sucks that even in queer spaces we have to be constantly looking over our shoulders. This isn't how we address issues, it isn't how we cultivate safe spaces, and it isn't how we improve fandom. If you have a problem with someone, either message them privately and work it out like adults, or block them and carry on.

I love this fandom so much, and I know we're better than petty drama, callout culture, and harassment. The vast majority of the people reading this, I imagine, don't participate in that stuff, but I've received enough anons and seen enough callout posts that I thought this was worth addressing. If you read all of this, thank you so much, and I hope you have a good one.

[blubushie]

tbh, as a woman who hangs out in communities where alot of middle aged men are guaranteed to gather around, you really hit the nail on the head. i've yet to find a tf2 fic that actually captures that male camaraderie that i've seen from the men around me.

Also, knowing this is the queer website and that much of the TF2 fandom is transmasc, I'm gonna address this so these kids can't go "I don't do that!! I'm a man!! I know what men act like because I-"

Men in queer spaces don't act the same way in the queer space as they do outside of it. I know I don't, cuz people get judgy. Queer community does not like men or masculinity. If you look too much like a man, or act too manly/boyish, or engage in male behaviours even with other men, they will look down on you. The only acceptable men are behaviorally effeminate, androgynous white twinks. If you divert from this in any way—too masculine, too POC, too physically male, too tall or fat or broad—they will treat you like a predator.

So a lot of these people, if they are interacting with men, are often interacting with other young transmascs who aren't socialised in male behaviour yet (usually online), or with men in queer spaces only—men who are masking. And they think men are just like this all the time.

And any man who doesn't play up the effeminate harmless uwu-shyboy persona is now scary or being toxically masculine because he's engaging in friendly ribbing with another man while being in a queer space.

I noticed it especially when me and an older bear went to a queer event (separately, we didn't come together) and he was practically ostracised because he's tall and bearded and bald and hairy and fat and very obviously male. And it turns out he was a trans man and he felt he didn't have a place in this event because everyone shunned him, or somehow managed to bring up toxic masculinity and how they don't feel safe with men in certain spaces, all in front of him while very obviously targeting him. The younger transmascs, of which there was quite a few, agreed with this. They ALSO didn't feel comfortable with him there because he was TOO male despite being just as queer as the rest of them (if not more—he was in his 50s and the oldest person there and had been out since his early 20s, so he defo had the most life experience of everyone there as far as the trans folk were concerned).

So naturally he and I hit it off. We separated off from the group, got drinks, and spent the afternoon in the corner, just us, discussing boats and fishing and lightly ribbing each other and laughing to ourselves while everyone else kept giving us glares and side-glances. Men are not welcome in queer spaces. Masculinity is not welcome in queer spaces. People treat ANY instance of masculinity as toxic. And so these young transmascs lost out on a perfect opportunity to see how men actually interact with each other, because the only other men they're actually interacting with are other trans men who don't know how men socialised as male act either.

It's kinda sad, in a way. Cuz they're gonna continue not knowing, and when the day comes they're gonna be blindsided and not know a fucken thing about how to be men in social environments because they don't wanna listen to or observe other men, not even the transmascs what came before them. Masculinity scary or some shit. And this is why it's SO IMPORTANT to have people outside of your familiar circle or your social group or your echo chamber as friends. It's why you should befriend your elders and learn from them, not shrink in fear cuz beards are scary or something. Not everyone can be a skinny white transmasc twink and not everyone WANTS to be. Masculinity is NOT a bad thing.

Anyway rant over. Point is these people don't know what male comraderie looks like cuz they don't actually put themselves out there to experience or observe it. Or even just engage in media where it's plainly showcased. 🤷‍♂️

[maxellminidisc]

I've said this for years but the way the community absolutely has an undiscussed dislike or idk disregard for closeted people has bothered me for years. Yeah theres that sheen of being understanding but I've seen and had to have so many conversations with people to have more empathy for closeted people, especially closeted partners because I understand full well how complicated that is. Btw I'll be using gay as an umbrella term for most of the following cause I'm sometimes uncomfortable with using the q word too much, please respect that.

Like it got especially bad after gay marriage became legal here in the US and most of Western Europe and like every mostly white gay living in liberal areas started acting like everyone should be out already and if you weren't you were idk probably ashamed of yourself, or worse someone faking it. You become some kind of half baked gay person who their behavior implied couldn't possibly connect to queerness in the right way.

But like it doesn't work like that. Some of us very much live in unsafe places to do that and we also don't have the financial privilege to leave to safer states/countries or move out of homophobic/transphobic households. I can't imagine especially how disabled and closeted members of our community feel trapped by these kind of circumstances.

Plus some of us live in cultures where the emphasis on family and community is an essential tenant of our makeup and learning to separate ourselves from the abuse present in those communities towards us is difficult, much like any abusive relationship. There is so much nuance, especially outside the lense of whiteness, that out people sometimes seem to forget or even dismiss instead of helping to foster relationships or community to help the people in their lives who are closeted find refuge safely.

And it really comes to a head when out people I know date closeted people. They seem understanding enough at first but then start questioning if the person they're dating "actually really loves" them if they're not willing to out themselves and the conversation can at time turn progressively meaner as if closeted people are all inheritly selfish. Yes it is a romantic notion for someone to risk everything to be openly with you, and its something frankly all of us deserve including closeted people, but life is far more dangerous and complex than that and I think some people have forgotten that.

And look, I even empathize with open people in that kind of circumstance cause yeah the pressure of having to keep something that incredibly special to you under wraps can be very daunting. But often I've found, most open people have a chosen community to fall back on and talk about it with because they're not as inhibited or cut off from the larger, while closeted people often dont have anyone except their partner because being closeted has severed most pathways of finding the community. Their partners are usually their first connection to the community.

I even sometimes think this sort of mind set extends into how white people perceive gay poc as inherently closeted too. We're either not open enough or being closeted is weaponized against us. Like we could be out and white people still presume we're not and act like were straight lite and we could talk about how we're closeted and white people, again, think it's ok to treat us like straight lite. This is especially evident when we say something that makes them uncomfortable and angry. Like the only time they take cultural nuance into account is to use it to dismiss us, as if all of us must be in hiding and cant be as gay as them.

Point is, being closeted is complicated and frankly miserable as someone whose got one foot in and one out lol and although some peoples only space to be open is online, it doesnt makes them fake, doesnt make them less gay or trans, or less part of this community. It doesnt make them less worthy or deserving of love and community despite their circumstances.

[skepticalarrie]

Hi!! I’m kind of on the outside of this fandom so I don’t sway either way really but I’m curious, what would you say is the hardest part about being a Larry? And would you say it got harder or easier? From my understanding you’ve been in the fandom a while back so is it easier now or harder? Or about the same? It seems like you guys take a lot of abuse. And also on a more positive note what’s the best part about being a Larry?

Hey there, anon! For me, it’s undeniable that things have become more and more challenging over the years. All the gaslighting and putting fans against each other - and by that, I mean everyone against big bad larries - was always a thing. But I think before there was this strong collective urge to advocate for them, to connect with their story, to make them be seen and validated by addressing the massive issue that is closeting in the music industry. And there was a time this was so big, there were so many of us! Now, it just seems like larries are simply not welcomed anymore, we were never welcomed in the fandom, and now we’re not welcomed by them most of the time as well, so it’s hard to adjust and take the back seat and understand that, for some reason, they no longer want our vocal support regarding their closeting.

While being called crazy and being blamed for anything negative that happened was always a big struggle, for me the most stressful part was repeatedly being blindsided by their decisions (especially involving PR stunts), only for them to act like nothing happened the next day and showing up with a blue bandana. That was always unsettling for me. And I think that’s exactly where we’re at right now, occasionally they throw us a bone, but most of the time we're just "the bad fans”. It gets exhausting.

Now, for the positive side, it’s 1000000% the friends we make the love it takes is worth it all this time LOL It’s a silly parallel but the feeling of being part of a community, a safe space for queer people, where we can freely discuss our passion, their music, overanalyze things and just have the best time… I mean, it’s so fulfilling! Many of my best friends and people that absolutely adore came from this fandom, and this is so special!