#the only way for me to live is for myself. It took like 28 years to figure that out but hey better late than never I guess

[trannykong]

I feel like i’ve broken the cycle of abuse? I feel like I’ve found a way out of landing myself in abusive relationships.

[therainscene]

I've described myself in the past as "overly-queerbaited" as a way of explaining why it took me so long to come around to Byler endgame as a legitimate possibility... but that's kind of a misleading way of putting it.

Truth is, I've always been too much of a cynical fuck to fall for queerbait... or any other story that promises positive queer rep.

[Sherlock couldn't touch me; I saw this cringe homophobia coming from a mile away. Fans mistaking straight anxiety jokes for meaningful gay subtext was clearly doomed to end in mockery. Nobody deserved to be treated like that... but god, it was easy to predict.]

I think it's a symptom of having grown up under Section 28 -- feeling like I'm being unreasonable for wanting to see queerness normalized is such an ingrained habit that even today I instinctively recoil like a vampire touching sunlight whenever an optimistic queer story falls unrequested into my lap.

But I'm hardly alone in feeling this way -- many queer Millennial and Gen-X fans of Stranger Things are against the idea of Byler because it would ruin the catharsis of watching the gay boy growing up in the same era as we did slowly succumb to the same despair that we did.

[For those who haven't played the VR game: Vecna is speaking in this screenshot.]

There's genuine comfort to be found in painful stories -- this type of catharsis is practically the cornerstone of horror as a genre -- so I can't really fault myself or anyone else for wanting it, despite the obnoxious oversaturation of disappointing queer endings in media.

This is the nostalgia show, after all -- and like it or not, for many middle-aged queers in the target audience, nostalgia is shot through with the pain of homophobia and loneliness.

But do you know who else is a hurt queer(-coded) adult who resents happy endings? This cynical fuck:

Henry personifies despair and loneliness and the dark urge to take our pain out on others -- and when Will is in the picture, I would argue that he also represents internalized homophobia.

Will might represent who we were -- but Henry represents who we've let ourselves turn into.

And I don't think many of us want to admit to that, because that would involve questioning why we have so much in common with the literal villain of the show; why we're still so consumed with self-pity after 20+ years that we're obsessing over the fate of some kid.

I'm not suggesting that wanting a less-than-fairytale ending for a fictional gay boy is equivalent to being a child killer lol. It's perfectly valid to want to see your pain acknowledged, and stories which appeal to that desire deserve to exist.

But between Henry's connection to Will and the cycle of abuse themes of the show, it's clear that this particular story simply isn't about wallowing in the bleakness of growing up gay in the 80s, but about self-actualizing in spite of it all.

So I just can't bring myself to want a "relatable" ending for Will.

As much as I struggle to enjoy positive queer rep, I don't want to be so cynical. I'd thrown up so many walls to protect myself as a teenager that I forgot how desperately I wanted to see just one of those painful queer stories end on the same uplifting note that straight stories were always entitled to: with true love overcoming the odds, saving the day, and living happily ever after.

[But I'm A Cheerleader, a surprisingly fun movie about conversion therapy, is proof that stories like this did exist when I was a teen... but finding them in the pre- and early-internet days amidst so much censorship was a tall order.]

What makes Stranger Things different from most queer stories -- and what allowed it to pierce through my defenses and stab me in the gut -- is that it perfectly mimics those bleak, acceptable-to-the-censors stories from my youth -- only this time, the secret uplifting gay plot twist is real.

Not for the sake of shock value or of grabbing some empty woke points at the last second, but because the plan all along was to slap the audience in the face for believing homophobic lies about the existence of queer happiness.

That's some gourmet catharsis, if you ask me.

Just the possibility that my inner child might finally be vindicated has allowed me to truly let myself want the things I want for the first time in 20 years -- and that's the first step towards finally crawling back out into the sunlight.

Happy Pride Month, everyone. 🌈

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 7

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, swearing, thoughts of cheating (i don’t condone), angst, sarcasm, competitive nature

I decided after an hour of crying to take myself to bed, I was exhausted after letting all my emotions out. I felt embarrassed that Matt had seen me how he did. We’ve only met a handful of times and in one of them, I’m emotional wrecked. I'm not too sure how I felt when he appeared here earlier, but knowing he was going out of his way to help Emily, twisted the knife in my chest again. I tried to shake the thoughts of embarrassment and tidied over the living area when I heard a knock on the front door.

“Is Alex back already? I don’t think he took a key with him earlier.. Maybe he felt bad for blowing me off and came home early” I thought to myself.

I waltzed to the front door, a hardened look on my face. I pulled the door open to see..

Matt.

Matt was standing at my door again.

My heart stopped. I wasn’t expecting him to come back, and for a moment, I thought something might be wrong.

“Matt? Did you forget something?” I asked, trying to hide the fact that I’d still been crying since he last showed up here.

“No,” he replied, a bit awkwardly, but his concern was clear. “I just… Look, you don’t have to, but I was wondering if you’d want to come over to my place? Play some Mario Kart with me and my brothers? Get your mind off things?”

I hesitated, unsure if I should go. Part of me wanted to stay curled up in bed, wallowing in my disappointment, but another part of me, perhaps the part that had been craving any form of kindness or attention, wanted to go with him. “I don’t know… I don’t want to intrude,” I said, still uncertain.

“You wouldn’t be,” he said earnestly. “It’s just a chill night. And honestly, I’d feel better knowing you weren’t here by yourself.”

His words struck a chord, and I found myself nodding. “Okay, sure. I could use the distraction.”

“Cool, I'll meet you in the car.” Matt said as he turned, showing me a smile.

The drive to Matt’s place was quiet at first, the silence hanging between us in a way that wasn’t uncomfortable, but was definitely heavy. I was grateful when he finally broke it.

“Speeding car..” Matt said abruptly as he turned to look at me, his left hand gripping the steering wheel.

I knew straight away I was going to be asked a follow up question where I couldn’t back out of giving an answer straight away.

“So, what’s going on with you and Alex? If you don’t mind me asking.”

His question made my stomach twist, how did he know that I was upset over Alex?

I answered honestly. “He cancelled our plans tonight. We were supposed to do something together, but now he’s out celebrating with his team. It just… sucks, I guess.”

“Yeah, that does suck,” Matt said, his voice soft but firm. “You deserve better than that.”

I shrugged, trying to brush it off. “It is what it is, it’s kinda been like that for a while now, I’ve just learned to get used to it.” I muttered, though the disappointment lingered.

Suddenly silence fell on our conversation.

Did I say too much? Maybe I should’ve kept the last part out..

Matt POV

I arrived outside y/n’s apartment and stood there for a minute.

Should I knock? What if she doesn’t answer and I feel like an idiot? What if she does answer and I look like an idiot.

I decided to knock lightly and hope for the best. I heard some muffling behind the door so I knew she was there. Shortly after she answered the door, surprise flickered across her face. “Matt? Did you forget something?”

“No,” I said, scratching the back of my neck awkwardly. Fuck, say something you idiot.

“I just… Look, you don’t have to, but I was wondering if you’d want to come over to my place? Play some Mario Kart with me and my brothers? Get your mind off things?”

She hesitated, her eyes slightly widening. Oh god she thinks I’m a creep.

“I don’t know… I don’t want to intrude.” She answered, softly.

“You wouldn’t be,” I assured her, almost cutting her off from her last sentence. “It’s just a chill night. And honestly, I’d feel better knowing you weren’t here by yourself.”

She gave a small smile, the first real one I’d seen from her all night. “Okay, sure. I could use the distraction.”

“Cool, i’ll meet you in the car.” I said turning, giving her a smile. I really hoped this would lift her spirits.

I sat in the car where y/n joined me 2 minutes later, after locking up her apartment. The drive to my place was quiet at first, the silence hanging between us in a way that wasn’t uncomfortable, but was definitely heavy. I had an opportunity to ask why she was feeling this way, or in other words, who was making her feel this way.

“Speeding car..” I blurted out, hoping she would remember this icebreaker from the first time we met double date.

She gave me a glance to continue on with my question, “So, what’s going on with you and Alex? If you don’t mind me asking.”

I knew what I was doing. I knew he had upset her.

“He cancelled our plans tonight. We were supposed to do something together, but now he’s out celebrating with his team. It just… sucks, I guess.”

“Yeah, that does suck,” I said, my voice soft so she knows I’m there for her but firm enough to make it stick. “You deserve better than that.”

To my surprise she seemed to shrug it off. “It is what it is, it’s kinda been like that for a while now, I’ve just learned to get used to it.” She muttered through disappointment.

Suddenly silence fell on our conversation. I got lost in my own thoughts of what she had just said and stupidly never responded.

Did he treat her this way all of the time? How long has she been feeling this way? Can she relate to me with my situation with Emily?

y/n POV

Matt’s place was warm and inviting, with the comforting smell of pizza and the sound of his brothers arguing over which characters to pick in Mario Kart, their humor filling the room with a lively energy that I hadn’t realized I’d been missing. I hadn’t planned on ending my night this way, but being here felt like a welcome escape from everything that had been weighing me down. We walked up the stairs and into the living area where I finally came face to face with Nick and Chris.

“Heyyy y/n!” they cheered in unison.

“Coconut Mall? Really?” I teased as I settled on the couch beside Matt, gripping the Wii remote.

He grinned, nudging my shoulder. “Ready to lose on Coconut Mall?”

“Oh, you wish,” I shot back, adjusting my grip on the remote. “I don’t mess around when it comes to Mario Kart, don’t think you realised what you’ve gotten yourself in for” I joked, selecting Princess Peach as my player while Matt chose Yoshi.

The race began, and the upbeat, catchy music from the game filled the room. I quickly got into the zone, maneuvering Princess Peach through the brightly lit mall, dodging escalators and weaving between other racers. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt leaning forward, his focus entirely on the game as he guided Yoshi through the course.

“Watch out for those escalators, they’ll get you every time,” Matt warned, eyes narrowing as he made a sharp turn.

“Already ahead of you, Matt,” I replied with a smirk. “You might want to speed up.”

On the screen, my character zoomed ahead of his, narrowly avoiding a cluster of banana peels left by Chris. I glanced at Matt, who was concentrating hard, his competitive side coming out in full force. I only had to get past Nick, who was leading in 1st place.

Matt let out a small laugh as he snagged a red shell from an item box. “Oh, you’re not getting away that easy.”

I saw the red shell homing in on me and tried to dodge, but it was too late. The shell hit Princess Peach, sending her spinning out. I groaned as my character lost momentum, giving Matt the chance to speed past me.

“Damn it, Matt!” I exclaimed, glaring at him playfully.

“Dirty move, but I’m not out yet,” I muttered under my breath as I tried to recover. Matt chuckled, clearly pleased with himself, but I was already planning my comeback.

I hit a new item box, a blue shell handed to me. Matt and Nick were neck and neck to eachother so I knew it would take them both out.

“Which one of you MOTHER FUCKERS BLUE SHELLED ME” Nick yells at the top of his voice. Matts jaw dropping as he realised he took impact too.

“See, this is what happens when you underestimate me.” I say laughing to myself.

“Alright, final lap,” Matt said, grinning as we both leaned forward, completely absorbed in the game.

The final lap was intense, with both of overtaking eachother every few seconds as we raced through the mall, dodging obstacles and collecting items. My heart was pounding in my chest, the tension between us replaced by the thrill of competition. I managed to go over a speed ramp just before the finish line, surging ahead of Matt at the last second.

“Yesssss! Princess Peach for the win!” I yelled victoriously, raising my arms in the air.

Matt slumped back on the couch, laughing. “Okay, okay, you got me. That was a solid race.”

I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face as I looked at him. “Told you not to underestimate me.”

The screen displayed the final results, with Princess Peach in first place and Yoshi in second. The catchy music continued playing as the results screen faded to black. The earlier tension and heartache had been replaced by a sense of bonding, both of us feeling more relaxed.

“Matt, did you seriously let her beat you?” Nick’s voice rang out. “You’re losing your touch, bro!”

Matt and I both burst out laughing, the competitive tension dissolving into light-hearted fun.

“Guess you’re just going to have to live with the fact that I’m the reigning champion,” I teased, still grinning.

“Yeah, yeah,” Matt replied with a smirk. “Don’t get too comfortable on that throne, though. We’re going again for a rematch.”

As we continued to mess with each other, the warmth of the room and the laughter we shared made me forget, just for a little while, about the tears I’d shed earlier, and the disappointment that had been eating away at me. Being here, with Matt, felt right, like an escape.

“Teams this time, I actually want a chance of winning something. Y/n we can go together.” Matt said turning to me.

I looked at Matt, raising an eyebrow. “Teaming up against your brothers? Think we can take them?”

Matt flashed a confident smile. “Having you on my team? Absolutely.”

“Bold move” Chris teased, grabbing his Wii remote. “Nick and I are basically unbeatable. You sure you’re up for this?”

“Yeah you sure looked unbeatable in that last race” I said sarcastically, feeling a surge of competitive energy. Matt laughed at my response while Chris’ jaw hit the floor.

The game loaded up again, and we quickly selected our characters, Matt sticking with Yoshi, while I went for Princess Peach again. Nick and Chris opted for Mario and Luigi, naturally. As the countdown began, the tension in the room shifted l to competitive, everyone ready to prove their skills.

“Let’s show them how it’s done,” Matt said, leaning in closer to the screen.

The race started, and from the beginning, Matt and I were in sync. We communicated effortlessly, calling out upcoming hazards and planning our attacks. Everything was perfectly timed. We were a force to be reckoned with, and it felt amazing to be in this moment with him.

“Almost there, we’ve got this!” Matt said, his voice filled with excitement.

We crossed the finish line together, with Yoshi and Princess Peach claiming the top two spots. As soon as the results screen popped up, we both threw our arms in the air in celebration.

“Hell yeah!” Matt shouted, turning to high-five me.

I laughed, feeling a rush of adrenaline as our hands connected.

Nick and Chris groaned in unison, slumping back on the couch in defeat. “I don’t believe it,” Nick muttered, shaking his head. “You two are an unstoppable team.”

“Just admit it,” I teased, still riding the high of our win. “You guys didn’t stand a chance.”

Matt leaned back into the couch, a satisfied grin on his face. “Guess we make a pretty good team, huh?”

“Looks like it,” I agreed, catching his eye for just a moment longer than necessary. There was that spark again, but this time it felt different. It felt lighter, more playful, but still very real.

Nick sighed dramatically, breaking the moment once more. “Alright, alright. You two earned that one. I’m going to go watch some RuPaul’s Drag Race but after that we’re coming back for a rematch.” he said as he stood up, walking up the stairs to his room.

“I’m coming too, can I sleep in your room tonight Nick?” Chris said following behind Nick like a lost puppy.

The laughter died down, and as we both caught our breath, I found myself glancing around Matt’s living room, noticing details I hadn’t before. My eyes landed on a set of sleek, silver plaques hanging on the wall. The bold engraving on each read “The Sturniolo Triplets” followed by an impressive subscriber count.

“Wait, you’re on YouTube?” I asked, unable to hide my surprise. I knew Matt has some kind of following from his Instagram, but I didn’t know exactly what for.

Matt followed my gaze to the plaques and nodded, a small smile playing on his lips. “Yeah, my brothers and I have been doing it for a while now. It started out as just something fun to do, but it kind of blew up. We never expected it to turn into what it is now.”

“That's insane,” I said, leaning in a little, my curiosity piqued. “What’s it like? Would you be recognised a lot?”

He shrugged, his expression turning a bit more serious. “It’s.. complicated. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, and I’m really grateful for it. But there’s a lot of pressure, you know? So many people have these expectations of you, and it’s like you can never really turn it off. It gets lonely sometimes.”

The honesty in his voice tugged at something deep inside me. “Lonely?”

“Yeah,” he said softly, his eyes meeting mine with an intensity that made my heart skip a beat. “You start to wonder if people like you for who you really are, or if they just like the idea of you. It’s hard to tell who’s genuine and who just wants to be around you because of what you can give them.”

I nodded, the memory of Emily’s words at my apartment ran through my brain. She didn’t deserve him, but it’s not my place to say anything right now. “That must be really hard. I mean, it’s like you have to keep your guard up all the time.”

“Exactly,” he said, his voice dropping to a near whisper. “It’s why it’s so important to have good people in your life, people who see you for you. I really enjoyed spending time with you tonight, it felt easy.”

Our conversation slowed, the air around us thickening with a tension that hadn’t been there before. Matt’s gaze softened as he looked at me, and I could feel the connection between us growing stronger, almost palpable. It was like everything else faded away - the living room, the game, even the faint sounds from his brothers upstairs. There was just us, sitting so close, the space between us shrinking as our eyes locked.

My breath hitched, and I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I leaned in just a little more. The thought of kissing him hung in the air, unspoken but unmistakable. I could tell he was thinking the same thing. The way his eyes flicked to my lips, the way he swallowed like he was trying to push the thought away, it all made my heart pound in my chest.

We were so close now, close enough that I could feel the warmth radiating from him. My mind raced, torn between what I wanted and what I knew was right. We held eye contact an-

“Matt!!” Nick’s voice boomed from the doorway as he ran down the stairs, breaking the spell between us. “You guys gotta check your phones, like, right now!”

I jumped back slightly, the sudden interruption brought me back to reality. Matt blinked, the intense moment between us dissipating as he turned to look at his brother.

“What’s up, Nick?” Matt asked, his voice tinged with frustration as he reached for his phone.

“Emily has been blowing up your phone, she called me to see if I was with you.” Nick insisted, his tone serious for once.

“Somethings wrong with Alex.”

a/n : sorry this is later than I expected. this isn’t proof read lol, i haven’t started part 8 yet so hopefully in the next few days, what’s happened with Alex?????

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @immattsslut @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69

[pollymorgan]

Ex-husband Negan Part 5

Warnings: An asshole named Negan and a woman who can't get over him.

Luckily, nothing serious happened to David, except maybe the scare of his life. Negan really pulled himself together. Maybe he has finally become sensible. I had actually given up hope.

When my daughters miraculously went to school on time and Negan left the house with them, I took a deep breath.

What had happened in the last few hours?

I really feel that as soon as my ex-husband is near me for longer than five minutes, he throws my whole life into absolute chaos.

Inevitably, I had to think about the last night and my pulse immediately accelerated. It was just madness. This man still knows my body better than I do. No one can touch me the way he does. Instantly, I felt that tingling in my stomach again. That damn feeling that has often led me into misery.

19 years ago

Even though I had left my old home eight years ago to build my own life in New York, I kept in touch with my best friend Harper. Harper and I spent our entire school years together, and our connection never broke despite the distance. We used to be a trio, but Scarlet unfortunately became one of the main reasons why I had moved away so hastily.

God, I was so stupid back then not to recognize the signs and always make excuses for Negan and her. But sometimes you are so blinded that you only realize it when you see it with your own eyes.

The fact that Harper has been dating Negan's best friend Simon for a few years was, admittedly, really strange for me at first. After all, I tried with all my might to erase Negan from my life, but by now we had been separated for ages and the anger had subsided over the years. The anger, yes, but unfortunately not all the other feelings I felt towards him. If I was honest with myself, I immediately compared every new man in my life to him. Even though I didn't want to, I thought so often about our time together. Everything reminded me of him, even though I lived in a completely different city, but you can't run away from feelings.

Whenever Harper happened to mention something about Simon and Negan during our hours-long phone calls, I immediately became quiet and absorbed every piece of information. Of course, I never asked directly, my pride was too great for that, but it seemed that this guy would remain my weakness forever.

This is also how it came about that Harper invited me to her birthday. I was very excited for the house party at her place and took a few days off to fly to my old city.

After we were both incredibly excited on the phone that I would be able to follow her invitation, Harper suddenly became quite serious at the other end.

"Negan will be there too..." she said calmly.

Immediately I was speechless. Why would he show up there? After all, it's my best friend's birthday, not Simon's. I cleared my throat briefly, but then I absolutely did not want to spoil their, or my, mood.

"Yes, of course... it's totally okay! I'm looking forward to seeing him again after so long... Oh man, we were teenagers and now you're already 28, you old hag..." I joked, even though I didn't feel like joking at all, thinking about my ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart in such a brutal way.

"Yes, yes ..first get to my age! At 27, you still talk so easily." Harper countered.

Until the day of the party, I managed to push the thought of seeing Negan again out of my mind. However, when I rang her doorbell, the nervousness crept up on me. Is he already there? How will he react to me? And how will I react to him? Does he still think about me sometimes? Does he even miss me occasionally?

When Harper greeted me with the words that I was the first guest, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Of course, postponed is not canceled, but in that moment I felt a strange relief.

We embraced joyfully and I congratulated her from the bottom of my heart. Then I handed her a bottle of her favorite Prosecco and a self-made voucher for a weekend in New York. She had wanted to visit me so many times, but the plans always failed and in the end, I was always the one who visited.

The greeting with Simon was a strange mix of a handshake and a hug, so I was glad when Harper asked me if I could help her in the kitchen.

It was my first visit to the two of them since they had moved into a shared apartment. The whole thing was really strange for me, everything seemed so adult, almost bourgeois. Not at all like I knew her. Okay, we had grown up, but somehow time seemed to have stood still for me. Since I went to New York at the age of 19, not much had changed in my lifestyle. Except that I had a steady job and earned my own money.

Harper's kitchen was full of modern appliances, while at home, I was happy if I could find a sharp knife.

But before we started preparing the rest of the food, Harper opened us two beers and within seconds, everything was just like old times. We joked and laughed about the most trivial things, and soon the first guests arrived. The doorbell kept ringing, and then Simon opened the door to let the next ones in. People would then show up in the kitchen after a few seconds, congratulating my friend on her birthday. Some of them I knew from before, while others were new acquaintances, mainly her coworkers. Mentally, I tried to match the names to the stories that Harper had told me during one of our phone conversations.

Superficially, I played it cool, but inside, I was boiling. A thousand times, I played in my mind how I would react if Negan walked in through the door. I kept envisioning that one scene that made me startle every time the doorbell rang.

I opened another beer and then helped Harper set up the buffet. The salads were piling up, she had prepared so much. Everything was planned down to the smallest detail. The color scheme of the decor matched, and the dishes were all from the same brand.

With my arms crossed on my hips, I admired everything. "Wow, I have to say, you've really become the perfect housewife, while I..."

"While you still have the hottest ass in all of America... Damn, just look at her. God bless America!" a very familiar voice interrupted me.

Amidst all the commotion around us, I hadn't even noticed that Negan had entered the kitchen. Being surprised by his presence made it even harder. I took a deep breath and then turned with a smile on my face to face him.

He was already so close to me that there was barely any space between us, and his face put on that typical grin. I hadn't seen him in so long, but his green-brown eyes looked familiar to me. Without hesitation, he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in for a kiss on my cheek.

I literally inhaled his scent, a mixture of rugged aftershave, cigarette smoke, and his own unique scent. Instead of letting go immediately, he held me much longer than necessary, and I was frozen in his arms.

"It feels unbelievably great to finally feel you so close again..." he whispered in my ear, and I immediately got goosebumps all over my body.

None of the prepared lines came out of my mouth.

He hadn't forgotten how to charm me, if anything, he seemed to have perfected it.

I stared at him wordlessly until he suddenly leaned in even more. Bewildered, I evaded him, and he grabbed one of the beer bottles that were right behind me.

Amused by my reaction, he winked at me and clinked his bottle against mine. Then he disappeared into the living room. Suddenly, a former classmate approached me and hugged me to greet me. She immediately started talking a mile a minute, but I couldn't follow her words as I kept thinking about the recent situation with Negan.

Some time passed before we all decided to move to the living room. Negan and Simon were standing by the window, smoking a cigarette. I tried my best not to stare at him constantly, but I caught myself doing it repeatedly.

Harper introduced me to Daniel, one of her coworkers. The three of us sat down with a few others at the living room table. The conversation was already in full swing, so it was easy for me to just join in.

I was in the middle of telling the others about the most unique restaurants in New York when I suddenly felt someone sit next to me on the couch. Without looking, I could tell it was Negan. Immediately, my heart rate increased, but I tried not to show it and continued talking.

Negan started a conversation with Daniel, who was still sitting next to me, so I leaned further forward so they could talk better. Negan leaned even closer behind my back to his conversation partner, and suddenly, I felt his hand on my hip. A bolt of electricity shot through my body, but I tried not to show it. As if that wasn't enough, my t-shirt had ridden up slightly in this position, and Negan began gently stroking the bare skin of my back with his thumb. God, how I had missed this feeling. I pushed all doubts aside and just focused on his tender touch and what it was doing to me.

It was only when I heard my name that I was snapped out of my trance.

"What?" I asked, startled, looking at Negan, who straight ened and then smiled knowingly at me.

"The beer at Dawson's is a disaster..." he laughed.

I leaned back against the couch and then looked at Daniel.

"Oh yes, terrible... gave me the hangover of my life," I tried to somehow join the conversation.

"That was probably more about the quantity than the quality..." Negan noted amusedly and reached for my thigh. His hand stayed there for the next while, until I loudly declared that I needed to visit the restroom and disappeared there.

Upon reaching the bathroom, I straightened up in front of the mirror and looked at my reflection questioningly. Where was all of this leading? I didn't have an answer.

As soon as I opened the door to go back, Negan was standing right in front of me. Lost in my thoughts, I bumped into him.

"Hey... not so hasty! Is it already midnight, or why are you in such a hurry, Cinderella?" he said, holding my upper arms.

"Would you search for me if I lost my shoe?" I asked, looking at him inquisitively.

"I may not be a damn prince, but fuck, honey. I would turn the whole world upside down to find you..." he replied.

I'm not sure if I was the one who took a step back, or if he led me back to the bathroom, but suddenly we were there. Negan closed the door behind him and locked it, not taking his eyes off me.

"And what would you do when you find me?" I asked innocently, nervously biting my lower lip.

Negan pulled me towards him abruptly and kissed me just as passionately.

"Exactly this..." he whispered into my open mouth before our tongues touched. In that kiss lay all the desire and the incredible longing that had been dormant in me for the past years. I clutched onto the hair at the back of his head as if I never wanted to let go.

Slowly, my mouth traveled along his jaw, his beard pleasantly scratching my lips, and when I touched his neck, I felt his Adam's apple slightly vibrate.

"I was such a damn idiot..." he now whispered softly.

"Oh yes, you were... I think now would be the right time to make things right..." I said, as I was already undoing the belt of his pants.

Negan grinned at me, "If we stay in here any longer, everyone outside will know what we've been up to in here."

"Very good..." I said with a smile and was about to kneel down, but he stopped me.

"Stop, we don't have time for that now..." as he said that, he turned me around so that my back was to him, then crossed his arms in front of me and pulled me close to him. The feeling of his strong body made me even more unrestrained.

"Baby, believe me, I'll do anything you want, but first, I just need to feel your sweet pussy around my cock... I've missed you so incredibly much..." he growled in a deep voice directly into my ear and pushed me towards the washing machine, until I eventually leaned against it.

The lower arm of his left arm landed on my back and gently pushed my upper body down. While holding me in this position, with his right hand, he pulled down my jeans and underwear, and I excitedly helped him until they were hanging around my knees, presenting Negan with my naked behind. His hand traveled up the sensitive skin of my inner thigh, and I spread my legs as much as I could. Then his flat hand landed directly on my center. Gently, he ran his fingers through my folds, and just the feeling made me moan.

"Please, I need your cock..." I pleaded.

With the hand that had just touched my most intimate area, he gave me a light spank on the behind.

"And let no one say dreams don't come true..." Negan exclaimed enthusiastically.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not telling someone i know he’s being bullied?

⚠️ mentions of cancer + a suicide attempt

everyone mentioned here is in their 20s, with the youngest being 21 and the oldest being 28. none of the names used here are anyone’s actual names.

this is kind of a long story with a lot of moving parts and i can’t get into ALL of it so im trying to section JUST this off. basically i’ve had a group of friends for awhile. we met in a larger server and its a pretty big circle, so there is interpersonal drama aplenty. i stepped away from the bigger server and mainly maintained contact with 5-7 friends id made through a personal server and dm conversations.

one of the people in that server, erin (she/they) dm’d me to tell me they had to leave said personal server because they’d had a bit of an incident with 3 of the other members. they ended up telling me that they and the other 3 members had a group chat where they’d regularly talk shit about another person we know, bryce (he/him). apparently they all took something he said months ago WILDLY out of context to claim he’s a transmisogynist and therefore its fine that they bully him (this guy isn’t someone i’ve talked to very much since leaving but i do know him and we are on good terms. he can be a bit difficult to maintain conversations with but he very much is not a transmisogynist. also none of the people in this gc are transfem). like, they conspire in this group chat ways to make him feel bad. erin showed me some screenshots. its pretty textbook highschool mean girls behavior.

erin was also in this group chat and finally got fed up with them all and told them they need to stop trying to justify their actions. its pretty obvious bryce is not the bigot they’re saying he is and they’re just using that as an excuse to be cruel. the people in the group chat did not take that well so erin left and has also left any mutual servers they’re in with them.

she only told me all this because i offered to let her vent, but now im in kind of a rough spot morally. i think the correct thing to do here would be to let bryce know, but im being. kind of a coward about it.

this all may sound like im just throwing myself a pity party, but i am in a very, very bad spot right now. like i said, there was a ton of interpersonal drama in this group and i’ve been in the center of it before. it took a massive toll on me. so im not keen to get involved in drama in general, but also, mainly. i lost my best friend (minze, she/her) to cancer at the start of this year. i’ve known her since childhood and i’ve barely been able to function without her. we lived together. i still take care of her cat. we had the same birthday, and its coming up in a little over a week. i’ve been absolutely gutted knowing this is the first birthday ill spend without her in over a decade. i tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago because i couldn’t bear the thought of it. i failed, obviously. and im fine at the moment but im definitely not perfectly well and im barely hanging on by a thread

i left the larger group because i couldn’t stand to be involved with everything going on. if i tell bryce about this group chat, i will be getting involved again. i dont think they know i know about it at this point but the only people who could tell him would be me and erin. even if i did it anonymously or asked him not to tell it would be incredibly easy to trace back to me. while im appalled to know my friends have been so viciously cruel to someone for no reason, since losing minze these people have been my only support network. they all knew minze, too. they’re some of the only people i can share memories of her with. i dont think i could process this grief alone

i know i need better friends but i don’t have them right now. i’ve sort of already got a strained relationship with some of them and i worry this could be the last straw and id just… lose them abruptly. and i know if that happened id put myself at risk again, because id be just as heavily suicidal but now with no one to confide in about it

bryce deserves to know. its the right thing to do, but it would cause me a dangerous amount of mental strain. but even though i say i don’t want to get involved i do feel, on some level, like i probably got involved the second i let erin even tell me about this. so i feel like im being a whiny dickhead and just making excuses but im just. im not willing to put myself through this again. not right now. aita?

What are these acronyms?

[mirai-e-jump]

Uchusen Vol. 183 (Winter 2024) Ohsama Sentai King-Ohger Main Cast Member Interviews (translations below)

Publication: December 28, 2023

Sakai Taisei x Masato Yano Interview

Racules Husty, who had deceived his people and younger brother for the sake of a good cause, and who had lived with the stigma of being an evil tyrant, has finally rebelled against the Uchu King, Dagded! Many fans must have been moved by the brothers, Gira and Racules, who've come to the point where they're willing to position their swords side by side in order to protect Chikyu. In this issue, we asked Sakai Taisei and Masato Yano, who play these brother kings, to talk about the hardships they've faced, and their memories of the past.

"Before this show, the two of you co starred in last year's drama "Shinyu wa Akujo." Please tell us your impressions of when you first met."

Sakai: The first time we met, Yano-san had a great aura about him, and to be honest, I was really nervous at first (laughs). However, a few days after filming began, Yano-san started talking to me and began teasing me on set in order to ease my nerves.

Yano: In Shinyu wa Akujo, our relationship is that of superior and subordinate. I heard that this was Sakai-kun's first appearance in a serial drama, so I tried to talk to him as much as possible as to not make him nervous. Since my role was that of an easy going boss, I'd suddenly adlib and talk to him during the actual performance (laughs).

Sakai: I was confused at that time (laughs). He once took me out for ramen during the middle of a break…..he really took care of me in many ways.

"Have your impressions changed since meeting again on King-Ohger's set?"

Yano: Since his position is that of the leader of King-Ohger, the atmosphere and appearance of his performance have changed dramatically. I think he's grown.

Sakai: Yano-san being the mood maker on set hasn't changed since Shinyu wa Akujo, but back then, we didn't have as many deep discussions about the performance as we do now.

Yano: During filming, the covid pandemic still hadn't calmed down yet, so we weren't able to go out and eat together.

Sakai: But, ever since we started appearing together in King-Ohger, he takes me out for meals, where he's been really kind and gives me advice not only for acting, but also for my personal life.

"In Shinyu wa Akujo, you played boss and colleague, and in this work you play brothers, so there seems to be a connection (fate)."

Sakai: I guess so. Our relationship is gradually getting closer.

Yano:……If we get another chance, I wonder what's next? Maybe we play the role of lovers? (laughs).

Sakai:……Sounds good (laughs).

"Now then, Racules, who left in episode 20, came back as Shugo Mask in episode 34, but it was surprising that he took off his mask as soon as he appeared."

Yano: As a viewer, you may have felt like he took off the mask as soon as he appeared, but I feel like Racules spent several months wearing the mask off screen, and that he'd take it off when in front of Suzume. And so, when the kings returned, he took off the mask. It may have looked like he was eager to take it off (laughs), but it's not like he abruptly removed it.

"Including the appearance of new enemies and the resurrection of Racules, how do you feel about the various events that took place in the second chapter?"

Yano: Sakai-kun's Gira is starting to look alittle more like Racules.

Sakai: Actually, I adopted Racules's movements, such as the pose where I spread my arms. In the first chapter, where Gira's pose has his arms wide open, when I saw the footage myself, I felt like, "It holds no weight…" Gira in the first chapter looks good, but since Gira's grown in the second, I thought about giving him the dignity of a king. Therefore, I used Yano-san's elegant movements as an example.

Yano: It's true that he's become more dignified since the second chapter. I myself have changed my hairstyle, and my body shape has increased by 6 kg compared to my role in the first chapter. When I cut my hair, it makes me look more refreshed and slimmer. Since I'm in a hero production, it's more convincing if I'm bigger to some extent.

"Did your role change after the second chapter?"

Sakai: I wanted to create a relaxed atmosphere, so I tried to lower the tone of my voice more than I did before.

Yano: I knew in advance that I'd be fighting Dagded on the side of the Royal Sentai, so even when I was on Dagded's side, I wondered if any viewers would understand, "Deep down in your heart, you must be thinking something different." I was performing while trying to find an opening. Viewers will be able to guess what'll happen in the future based on the slightest facial expression or gestures, so I was careful not to spoil the story as much as possible.

Sakai: It's difficult to just barely find an opening. In episode 35, there's a scene where Gira says to Racules, "Why are you alive?!," and Producer Omori Takahito-san told me, "Act as if you knew he was alive." So, I acted with a slight smile on my face, trying to show my happiness at him being alive. However, when I watched the broadcast, that expression had been cut out. It seems that it was decided that my performance at that time would be a spoiler.

Yano: The foreshadowing in King-Ohger is so complex, so we had to think about it ourselves or we wouldn't be able to follow the story. While acting, I thought to myself, "Is this expression okay?" If you don't think carefully about these kinds of things, including the post transformation dubbing, your performance will affect future developments and their connection to the past.

"Episode 37 was a serious one between Kaguragi and Iroki, but then the next week's episode was about idols, so we get the impression that there's a huge difference in how developments unfold."

Yano: King-Ohger tends to have "break times" after a serious story (laughs).

Sakai: I'm used to it by now (laughs).

Yano: I didn't appear in episode 38, but when I read the script, I was like, "Who's speaking here?" and I couldn't understand the details at all (laughs). From now on, the story is going to get alot more serious, but I hope there'll be break times in between (laughs).

Sakai: I'm really looking forward to future developments (laughs).

"In the first chapter, the comical performance of Racules in the imagination scenes of Gira and the others was also appealing."

Yano: That's when Gira dressed up in different outfits in episode 11, right? That was the first time I abandoned the character of Racules (laughs).

Sakai: That's right (laughs).

Yano: To be honest, I was also holding back in that one. In fact, I wanted to be even more extra (laughs).

"Please tell us about some of the most memorable episodes that have been broadcast so far"

Yano: It's episode 41.

Sakai: That's mine too!

Yano: Racules, who was thought to be an enemy up until then, faced towards the enemy side and said, "Stand up, Gira! It's time to save the universe!" which I thought was really cool.

Sakai: After that, I also really like episode 42. I think those two episodes are the turning point of the story that's unfolded so far. The underlying story of King-Ohger, between an older and younger brother has been firmly established, and it's left a lasting impression on me.

Yano: Gira called Racules "Onii-chan" for the first time.

Sakai: The smile on Racules's face at that time was great to see.

"The villains in hero productions are often disliked, but Racules is very popular among children."

Yano: I thought that the more people disliked him at first, the bigger the impact would be when he becomes good, so I acted while trying to make people dislike him. But, as it turned out, he wasn't disliked much.

Sakai: I'm sure the kids who saw episode 42 like him even more!

"Were Racules's true intentions, which were revealed in episodes 41 and 42, known from the start?"

Yano: That's right. I was mostly informed.

Sakai: Did you know about it from the beginning?

Yano: Yeah, I knew (laughs).

Sakai: I had asked the staff, "What are Racules's true intentions?" but they wouldn't tell me because they said, "If we tell you, it would ruin the performance."

Yano: And so, he asked me alot of questions.

Sakai: I thought Yano-san would tell me (laughs).

Yano: No! There's no way I was going to tell you!! (laughs). They'd be furious and say, "Why did you tell him!!?"

"As the final episode approaches, are you feeling sad?"

Sakai: The TV series will soon end, but I still have the "Unmasked Warrior" performance at Theater G-Rosso, as well as the Final Live Tour, so I don't actually feel like, "This is the end."

Yano: That's right. Since I won't be at G-Rosso, I feel that the end is near, and the other day I said to Sakai-kun, "In about a month, this project will be over…" That's why I'm taking it one day at a time so that I don't have any regrets about the character of Racules.

Sakai: It'll be lonely. G-Rosso, let's go!

Yano: I've already got other work.

Sakai: I guess you really can't get out of it (laughs).

Yano: In one way or another, It'd be interesting if I could make a surprise appearance.

"What are your thoughts looking back on the year of filming?"

Yano: Until now, the longest I've worked on the same project was about half a year, so this is the first time I've continued a project for over a year. However, there was a time where I had to leave midway, so I think Sakai-kun and the others had an even more intense year than I did.

Sakai: It was definitely intense. I had this strange feeling where a day would go by quickly, but the week felt very long.

Yano: When you play the same role for a year, you gradually get used to it and your true self comes out. But in King-Ohger, I think it was good that I was able to switch my mindset to a new one at the beginning of the second chapter.

"Since this is a great opportunity, why don't you share a message with each other?"

Yano: Sakai-kun, you've become very sturdy over the past year, and compared to the first episode, I think you now have the face of "a person who carries the burden." Filming will come to an end soon, but I hope that you'll continue to lead everyone, absorb many things, and become an even bigger actor than you are now.

Sakai: I'll devote myself to being one.

"Please also give a message from Sakai-san to Yano-san."

Sakai: I'm learning from Yano-san every day, and I can only thank him for that. It's been over a year since "Shinyu wa Akujo," but Aniki taught me alot about acting and how to act as an actor.

Yano: You've never called me Aniki! (laughs).

Sakai: I think of you as Aniki! (laughs). I think it was really good experience to have a veteran like Yano-san by my side all the way. Thank you so much! I think this is one of the best parts of working on a Super Sentai set.

Yano: There may be many people who want to play a tokusatsu hero, but have given up because of their age, however, Kaku So-kun who plays Kaguragi is one year older than me, and Suzuki Hirofumi-san who played KijiBrother in "Donbrothers" is also in his 30s. I think I was able to prove that people of our generation can still play heroes.

"Racules will be fighting alongside Gira and the others in the future, but please tell us about some key points of future developments."

Yano: As the show reaches its climax, each episode will have more developments than the last that you can't miss. Please watch out for the future of Racules and the future of Gira.

Sakai: The past of Gira and Racules will be revealed in the future, and the story will continue to heat up toward the end. The staff and cast are all working together to create this production, and we hope you'll continue to look forward to it!

Amano Kousei Interview

Grodie Leucodium, the last of the Uchu Five Jesters who appeared in the second chapter of King-Ohger. Grodie, who has the ability to bring the dead back to life, and is believed to be responsible for the "Wrath of God," is played by Amano Kousei, who played Sakuya Tachibana in Kamen Rider Blade. We asked Amano, who surprisingly is making his first appearance in the Super Sentai series, about the episodes in which he and his wife appear together, and behind the scenes details of the film site.

"Amano-san has appeared in "Kamen Rider Blade" and "Kamen Rider Fourze," but this is his first appearance in the Super Sentai series. What are your impressions of Super Sentai?"

Amano: I've always thought of Super Sentai as, "A group of heroes who come together to pose and announce their names," and that it was a production aimed at a younger audience and was easier to understand than the Kamen Rider series. However, King-Ohger is different from the image I had of Super Sentai, and I think it's more like Kamen Rider in some ways. Kamen Rider may seem like it's for kids, but it has the appearance of an adult drama that teaches children about the rights and wrongs of the world in an indirect way.

"Amano-san, which Super Sentai productions left the strongest impression on you?"

Amano: When I was a kid, I loved "Taiyou Sentai SunVulcan." I also know of "Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger" since it aired at the same time as Kamen Rider Blade. I only know about those two in detail. Are there those who have seen every single series? Because I'm not that type of person. However, back then, when I watched the broadcast of Dekaranger, I was impressed by how perfectly the five member's transformation poses and names were in sync every time. Our "Blade" team sometimes transformed at the same time in the films, but it was hard to get all of us to do it together. I watched it thinking, "How wonderful."

"We heard that you watched King-Ohger before it was decided that you'd be appearing….."

Amano: Before it aired, when I learned that the main character in King-Ohger was a "red stag beetle," I felt a strong affinity for him. I was also the "red stag beetle" in Blade (laughs). Stag beetles are second only to rhino beetles in terms of insects, and in King-Ohger, I was surprised and pleased to see that KuwagataOhger, the leader, was red.

"How did you feel when you saw it?"

Amano: When I watched it with the image of the past Super Sentai in mind, I was really surprised to see the beginning of an otherworldly fantasy! I was astonished to see a CG world that wasn't the "Oya History Museum" or "Mt. Iwafune" that we're so used to. In the second episode, the familiar "Saitama Super Arena" appeared (laughs), but since the cinematic visuals continued, I wondered, "How much further will they go with this quality?," so I started watching it.

"Please tell us how you came to be involved in King-Ohger, which you had been watching as a viewer."

Amano: Mama (his wife, Hinagata Akiko) played the role of Iroki in "Adventure Heaven," and afterwards, a staff member asked me, "We'd like you to appear in Super Sentai, is that okay?" Because I appeared in Kamen Rider, did they think that I wouldn't want to appear in Super Sentai? It was an offer for a work I love, so I said, "Of course! I want to do it!" and after awhile, I was offered the role of Grodie.

"You were very enthusiastic about promoting the film on SNS when it released, but wasn't it already decided that you'd be cast to appear?"

Amano: It wasn't decided at all! The only reason I was posting about the film on SNS was because Mama was in it, and we were just promoting it as a family. I saw the film by buying my own ticket, and even bought a pamphlet with my own money (laughs). However, I was really happy to see my family in the film because Toei tokusatsu productions were the field that helped me grow, and in a sense, it was like being home. I never thought that I'd also be able to participate.

"How did your wife react when you were cast as Grodie?"

Amano: She knew I liked this show, so she was happy and said, "Good for you!"

"Grodie also appears in the flashback scene of episode 7."

Amano: I didn't play that role, but when it was decided that I'd appear, the staff told me "He appears in episode 7, so please watch it," so I rewatched it on TTFC, but at that time, I had no idea that it would become such an important role.

"When you first appeared in episode 30, the opening credits stated, "Mysterious Man: ?" so when it was revealed that Amano-san was playing the role, was the response good?"

Amano: Surprises like that make my heart race. I was also shown in the trailer without showing my face, but people didn't talk about it much on SNS or ask, "Who is that?" Even after the broadcast started, I didn't see anyone who realized that I was the one playing the role, so, what if I announced, "Actually, Amano is playing the role!" and there was also no reaction?…..I was incredibly anxious! (laughs).

"What was your impression of Grodie's costume?"

Amano: I chose one of two costumes, but the one I didn't go with had a long leather coat with iridescent colors, which I thought was closer to giving off the image of a monster. However, when I tried it on, it looked more like Kamen Rider, so I chose the one I wear in the show. The hat was prepared due to my suggestion. However, the first hat I was given was too small, so I said, "I'd like a bigger one," and the current hat was chosen. The round glasses were also my suggestion, but actually, the actor who played the role in episode 7 was wearing sunglasses of the same design. I just removed the lenses from the sunglasses and used them as glasses.

"How did you prepare for the role?"

Amano: This time, it was a short period of just under a month from receiving the offer to performing, and even at the costume fitting stage, I didn't have a script. The Director described him as, "A creepy guy who isn't interested in anything other than killing people," and then the Director, Producer Omori Takahito-san and I discussed the image of the role. After that, we decided on the costume and read the script to match the visual image of the role. Grodie is a character that we developed from the costume, including the visuals.

"Did you prepare for a role after deciding on the costume?"

Amano: Usually, I'd read the script and understand the character first, and then incorporate that into the costume. For me, this was the first time that the costume came first. So it was fun to interpret the character based on his appearance, such as asking, "Why does he wear glasses?" Glasses are very human, aren't they? When I read the script, I felt a longing for humans in the lines and thought, "Could it be that he admires humans who can die?" and "Maybe that's why he wears glasses like a human."

"How did you decide on the makeup?"

Amano: At first, I was going to use black lipstick, but I was told, "Iroki uses black lipstick, so you should change it," so I decided that, "Red would make it stand out with the costume." The pattern on my face was prepared by the staff, but I don't know what it means. But, I think it's probably because "it looks cool" (laughs). I'm glad to see this kind of ingenuity, as it seems to be typical of Super Sentai villains.

"How did you feel about wearing the costume during filming?"

Amano: Since the hat's so big, it restricts my movements. Grodie is often seen laying down, but due to the brim of the hat, I can't actually lie down, so I have to rest on one elbow. Even in action scenes, if I fall down, my hat will fall off, so I have to fall on top of fallen Sanagim…..Actually, I've come up with alot of tricks for the hat. I can't even put my coat on by myself because it hits my hat when I try to put it on……When I said, "I want a bigger hat" I didn't think it would cause me such a hard time (laughs).

"Please tell us your impressions of Grodie's monster form."

Amano: When I was working on Kamen Rider, I discussed my role with Oshikawa Yoshifumi-san and Watanabe Jun-san, who played my role after the transformation. But, with Muraoka Hiroyuki-san, who plays the role of my monster form this time, I deliberately don't have any meetings or discussions with him. So, when I see the actions of the monster form during dubbing, I enjoy voicing the monster with a fresh mind, thinking, "This is how he played it, so let's voice him this way."

"We were impressed by the unique transformation scene in episode 37, where he seems to blend into the ground."

Amano: It's a shame that I can't shout "Henshin!" like I did in Kamen Rider. If I could, I'd like to say "Royal Arms!" but I'm sure they'd get angry if I did that (laughs). This time, there are no transformation items such as a Belt or Zodiarts Switch, so I want something that can be marketed as a toy. I'd love to see them make it in a spinoff!

"Do you feel any difference with filming compared to Blade and Fourze?"

Amano: In the beginning, I felt uncomfortable performing in front of a green screen with no set. Before I started filming, I watched the other cast members perform and thought to myself, "How do you perform in that situation?," but If you actually try it, you're able to concentrate on your performance, and it might even be easier to act.

"Please tell us about any memorable scenes that have been broadcast so far."

Amano: The scene with Iroki in episode 37 was short but fun. That story really brought out the Iroki who appeared in the film, and Kaguragi was really cool too. To be honest, I didn't like Kaguragi very much before that (laughs). He's two faced and not kingly enough. But after watching that episode, I understood the reasons for my dislike of him, and I felt that everything was positive, which made me start to love him. The script for that episode was amazing because it reversed what I had been feeling for 37 episodes! In my opinion, episode 37 is a divine episode.

"How was it working with Hinagata-san?"

Amano: Since it was just one scene, we didn't have many meetings, and although we're family, we worked just like any other actor. Before I started working on set, I thought, "Will it be difficult to work with Mama?," but it turned out to be easy.

"How do you feel about playing Grodie, who's even more of a villain than Principal Hayami in Fourze?"

Amano: It's alot of fun playing such an excessive villain! Since he's immortal, I think the children watching the show are worried about how Gira and the others will defeat Grodie, but I myself don't know how they'll defeat him (laughs). I think the Directors and screenwriters are also struggling with this, thinking, "This guy's immortal…"

"Looking back on filming so far, what are your impressions?"

Amano: For me, I'm happy to be able to come back to a Toei tokusatsu production like this and reunite with Directors and staff. It really is like returning to your childhood house, and it's so calming. I was able to experience new things such as shooting with live compositing, which I think I'll be able to use in my future work.

"Grodie is still giving the King-Ohger's a hard time, but what are some of the key points to watch out for in the future?"

Amano: For me, the most important point was bringing Mama (Iroki) back to life (laughs). I've achieved that goal, so from now on, I'd like you to pay attention to how many kings he can defeat! There are 6 of them, so I'd like to take half of them, 3, no, maybe 4. I especially want to crush Kaguragi, Hymeno, Rita and Jeramie with my own hands! (laughs).

"Finally, please give a message to the fans."

Amano: When the show first aired, I watched as a viewer, but then I was asked to join the cast. Every time I get a script, I'm inspired and think, "This is how it's going to unfold!," and I'm even more excited than the viewers about what's going to happen next. I'm sad to see it come to an end, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to seeing how it all ends. Please watch King-Ohger to the end!

Tomokazu Seki Interview

Sometimes he's the retainer for the King of In between, other times, he's a Jester for the Uchu King…Tomokazu Seki, well known to be a tokusatsu fan, plays the dual roles of Gerojim and Minongan Moth in King-Ohger. How did Tomokazu Seki, who has played heroes, villians, and item voices in numerous tokusatsu productions, including the Super Sentai series, approach the offer of playing two recurring monsters? And what about his ambitions for future series?! He spoke to us about it in detail.

"Seki-san's first involvement with King-Ohger was as MC for the production press conference, right?"

Seki: That's because Miyajima Sakura-san, who'd been the MC every year, had a scheduling conflict, so I was called in as a substitute. At the time, nothing had been decided about my appearance in the original story, but I thought I could just by saying so, so I jokingly said at the press conference "I might appear in the show," and then it happened. I was asked, "Would you prefer to play a role that's strong but only appears for a short time, or a role that's weak but appears all the time?" I said, "I'd rather be in it all the time," and got the role of Gerojim.

"Were you told from the beginning that you would become Jeramie's retainer?"

Seki: I think that's what I was told. I heard that the setting was about "two people who are undecided," and that Jeramie, a half human half Bugnarak, and Gerojim, a Bugnarak who's said to "not be all there," developed a sense of sympathy for each other.

"How did you prepare for the role of Gerojim?"

Seki: In the beginning, the only information I had from the script was the tone of his voice and that he was a mayfly monster, so I developed an image of him from there. I've played various roles in tokusatsu productions, but this time I wanted to play a role that I hadn't played before in other works, so I decided to do it in the image of Ayanami Rei from "Evangelion" due to the fragile atmosphere of the mayfly motif. I'm trying to imitate the feeling of Hayashibara Megumi-san's Ayanami Rei, who has a fragile voice and tone, but actually has a strong core. When I saw the visuals afterwards, I was surprised at how unexpectedly large he was, and Saito Kenya-san, the Suit Actor, seemed alittle strong in his performance at first. I still played the role with a sense of fragility.

"Were you aware of any changes in Gerojim as you played him?"

Seki: Since Gerojim's only human relationship is basically with Jeramie, I was conscious of how their relationship was deepening. As he scolded Jeramie in episode 25, he doesn't just obey him, but he also became someone with whom he could properly criticize and rebuke. I tried to express the deepening of their relationship in this way.

"Now, we'd like to talk about Minongan Moth. When was it decided that Seki-san would play the second role of Minongan?"

Seki: After Gerojim had been around for some time, I received an offer to play another role. The Director chose me saying, "He's like Chewbacca from Star Wars, and since he doesn't talk much, I think it's fine playing a double role, so I'd like you to do it." However, I thought that if Gerojim and Minongan were to appear at the same time, and the opening credits showed that I was playing both roles, it would create the misconception that the characters were related. I told them, "It'd be fine if Minongan went uncredited," but in reality, they went to the trouble of separating them into two with, "Gerojim: Tomokazu Seki" and "Minongan: Tomokazu Seki." I thought, "It's emphasized even more, isn't it?" (laughs).

"What was your first impression of Minongan's character?"

Seki: He's big. He's a bagworm monster, but he's a white bagworm with pinkish tips that look like matchsticks. That's why I got the impression that he's a "matchstick" (laughs). Also, because he's a bagworm, I wondered if there was something inside. We had the nickname "Secrecy Minongan" from the beginning, but what he was hiding hadn't been determined yet. We were also talking about the possibility of another role if a stronger one emerged from inside him. There was a proposal to make it look like something was there, but there's nothing, and since it was clearly stated in episode 38 that "something's in there," that idea seems to have been dropped.

"How did you prepare for the role of Minongan?"

Seki: The character wasn't really defined yet, but I did keep the "Chewbacca like character" in mind that I was told about in the beginning. So, I began by looking at Chewbacca. I started thinking about how to express him with a cry like that. However, in episode 38, I was suddenly asked to imitate J.Y.Park (laughs).

"That was the Director's instructions, wasn't it?"

Seki: Yeah, it was absurd. When I read the script, I was surprised that Minongan, who had never spoken at all before, was suddenly speaking fluently, and I thought I was going to speak in the stiff voice that Minongan had always had. But during the dubbing, I was told, "Please forget Minongan's voice and speaking style and just imitate J.Y.Park" and, "Although the lines are written in the script, please do whatever you like without worrying too much." So I did research and did it that way. So, although it was an adlib, it was an adlib after being asked to do so.

"I see (laughs)."

Seki: After the recording session was over, I was told that "something" inside Minongan was getting smarter as he grew, which is how he was able to speak like that. If that was the case, it would've been nice if I could've at least made him speak the same way in the last part of episode 38 and after episode 39, but since I had to record the scene with Ishida Akira-san (who voices Dagded), I had to record the scene where he talks with Dagded in the last part of episode 38 first, so I wasn't able to do it. Only during the idol auditions did he suddenly become a character who talks alot. I regret that I failed abit in that part.

"Do you often record together with Dagded and the other members of the Uchu Five Jesters?"

Seki: As Minongan, I work with Ishida-san's Dagded and Miki Shinichiro-san's Kamejim, and as Gerojim, I worked with Shimura Tomoyuki-san's Desnarak VIII. In particular, Miki-san and Shimura-san seemed to be enjoying King-Ohger quite alot, because about an hour before the recording, they'd stand around the parking lot talking about things like, "I wonder what's going to happen next?" When I myself happened to arrive at the site early, the three of us would talk.

"For our interview with Miki-san in the previous issue (Uchusen Vol. 182), we could tell that he was enjoying this production. Seki-san, how do you view King-Ohger?"

Seki: I observed the filming in the early days of the series, and I think that the use of LED walls to film virtual productions was a major turning point for the series. The setting itself, in which the real world that we live is almost completely absent, is also new, and I feel that the detailed creation of the world through the use of such filming techniques is one of the best in the series. The footage of the Robo battle in the pilot episodes, with the roof tiles flying off piece by piece, was also very powerful, and left an impression on me.

"As a performer, were there any moments or scenes that have left an impression on you?"

Seki: It's got to be a scene between Gerojim and Jeramie. In episode 29, they both left to look at the night sky together. It's fun to play those kinds of scenes. Also, this was the first time I was able to ride in a Sentai Robo.

"God King-Ohger from episode 25, right?"

Seki: Many of the characters I've played in Super Sentai are villains, so being able to ride in a Robo on the hero side was a great memory. That's why episode 25 left a very strong impression on me.

"Even though this was your first time working in a Sentai Robo, we have the impression that you often appear in the series. Is there anything else you'd like to do in Super Sentai?"

Seki: Of course, I'd like to transform into a hero as myself atleast once. Recently, the age range of Super Sentai heroes has broadened, but it's still rare to see a hero in their 50s transforming. I'd like to play a warrior who's elderly or in the prime of their life

"What color would you like to change into?"

Seki: I think either brown or gray. Silver is fine, but I like brown warriors alot. I even want to do a "Brown Warriors Great Gathering" at Theater G-Rosso (laughs). There'd be Zusheen from "Choujin Bibyun," Ground Ninja from "Ninja Captor," and Sanagiman from "Inazuman." Actually, I haven't done many enemy bosses. I've only done it once with Kaiser Buldont in "Chouriki Sentai Ohranger." It's actually been awhile since I've played an enemy leader. It's been 26 years since I did Bibidebi from "Denji Sentai Megaranger." In particular, when it comes to "handsome" villains, I've only done Gaisoulg (Ryusoulger), so I'd like to do more cool enemy bosses and leaders. Of course, I'd like to also do transformation items again. It'll soon be 50 years since the birth of Super Sentai. I'd love to work on the transformation items of the Sentai at that time.

"You still have alot of things you'd like to do! So, is there anything you'd like to see happen in the future with King-Ohger?"

Seki: Gerojim's mimic ability, which appeared early on, hasn't been utilized much lately, so I'd like to see him take advantage of it. I'd like to see Gerojim change into Jeramie and protect the country while the real Jeramie goes out and takes care of bad guys. It'd be like a journey to reform the world in a period drama, in which Jeramie is active in the city, and Gerojim is trying his best as a shadow warrior, feeling like he'll be exposed.

"That sounds interesting. Now then, please tell us some future highlights of King-Ohger."

Seki: What's really inside Minongan? Is there really nothing? Since it's moths that emerge from bagworms, a very beautiful and elegant moth monster may emerge from within to torment the King-Ohger's with its scales. When the King-Ohger's attacks, a coat materializes and becomes a shield.

"Sounds strong. It's like he's the final boss."

Seki: That's right, he'll be the final boss. Well, this is all just my imagination (laughs), but please pay attention to him, as I want to make the King-Ohger's suffer as the enemy until the very end.

[cherrysimmer1]

Chapter 28

Agatha let out a sigh. "She's your cousin," Myrtle pleaded, "She's your family. Imagine being in her shoes!"

There were a few seconds of silence, then Agatha shook her head 'no' with a light chuckle.

"I'm serious," Myrtle insisted. "Okay and? I'm not allowed to refuse being involved with Agnes' problems?" Agatha asked.

"Oh, please! As if that could even cross your mind! You? Refuse?! You wouldn't!"

Agatha exhaled, "You're right, I wouldn't."

She turned around. Her face shifted from deeply thoughtful to falsely joyful.

"I would never!" She exclaimed in a fake happy tone. "I love her too much for that! She's my cousin, right?"

"We're family, aren't we? Isn't that what family members do?"

"Or are, at least, supposed to do?"

"Ever since we were kids, I was always there for Agnes! In the good, the bad and the ugly times!"

"Especially in the bad and ugly times..."

"All these years until now, nothing really changed in our lives! It's just like in the past! Me trying to fix her mess!"

"I'm glad you won't let her down," Myrtle said, "Agnes is one of my favorite friends. I adore her. After all that she's been through, I wish her nothing but happiness! I think she deserves it."

She added, "I wish I could help her myself but... I'm too much of a wuss!..."

"No, you're not." Agatha reassured.

"I don't have your courage..." Myrtle continued. "You already know my issues with nightmares, how one little fright can give me sleepless nights for weeks. My mind get so scared that I become paranoid. Remember the time I couldn't be alone in my own apartment for months?"

"Yes," Agatha replied, "I remember. But you fought it! You fought your racing thoughts successfully. You got over your paranoia."

"It never really went away," said Myrtle in a mildly sad tone. "It's intermittent. But thank God my kids come over sometimes to keep me company when I'm too scared alone. I know you tried to make me face my fears and all but... well I'm... I'm working on that!"

"Oh, good!", Agatha encouraged. "Keep working on it and you will overcome your fears! Don't you ever stop. Only you can make the change you are seeking in your mind."

Myrtle sighted slightly, "Anyway, I strongly wish for Agnes to get rid of that curse!"

"You know... I always tried my best to protect Agnes when we were growing up," Agatha recalled. "Whether she was in trouble at school or at home, I was there to solve her problems and it became a habit. From kindergarten all the way through those lovely high school years up to college."

Agatha took a deep breath, "I will continue to try whatever and however I can do to get her out of trouble. Whichever kind of trouble it is..."

"...Even the supernatural ones."

"Her troubles are my troubles. Always been. I'm so blessed."

"Her problems are my problems. That's so great, I'm so fortunate."

"Her curse is my curse. What a dream! It's all I asked for."

Oblivious of Agatha's contradictory facial expressions, Myrtle seemed thrilled by her friend's words.

"She's so lucky to have you!" Myrtle said.

Agatha turned around with a serious face and looked at her friend straight in the eye, "I'll speak to a priest, I'll consult a psychic, I'll convoke a shaman, I'll summon a witch, I'll call a medium, I'll invite a spirit worker..."

"You're the best!" exclaimed Myrtle.

"Anything that puts me on the right direction to protect Agnes from being haunted."

"I'd give you the cousin of the year medal or something!"

"Yeah... I'll do all I can to help Agnes."

❮ Prev | Next ❯

[possiblyunhinged]

So, if I’ve not made it clear enough on the website – I’m a mess. I felt desperately sad seeing the news about Liam Payne this morning. It’s not because I grew up with One Direction and had an image of the man. I was too uptight and pretentious to allow myself to listen to them when they came around. Instead, the amount of content I’ve seen from people celebrating his death because of how he treated others slammed a trigger in my head that has been screaming at me ever since. All I can think about is a child I don't know who has to live in a world where many people are celebrating his Dad's death.

It’s a collective mental illness to oversimplify everything and use it to project our dissatisfaction with our own experiences in life. I’m as guilty of it as apparently the whole of Twitter. I’m a wounded person who would do anything to feel, well, less wounded. Unfortunately, that can manifest as being a hateful little roach. I desperately want to live in a world where women aren’t subject to abuse from men in such high numbers, and oftentimes, I am so reactive to the topic that the idea of humanizing abusers seems repulsive to me because it’s often used to justify the suffering of victims and keep them quiet.

Many times, I don't want to humanize abusers because it feels like the very reason justice is seldom acquired for victims. However, without doing so, we don't solve any problems.

I lost my dad when I was 19—a man I should’ve hated but never did. A man whose death was nothing more than a flippant gotcha moment to many, whilst it was the most painful moment of my life.

At 28, 9 years after my dad passed away, I feel desperately sad for a child who is going to grow up in a world where, hours after his dad passed away, the world is arguing whether it’s a ‘good’ thing he is dead, whether that is what his dad deserved. On top of that, a world where it took hours for videos and photographs of his dad to end on the internet.

My Dad, who I mourn to this day, was an abuser. I witnessed him be abusive to my Mum up until I was ten years old. I hated myself when he left because I missed him. How could I miss a person who hurt my Mum to the point I had to leave notes under her pillow because I was scared that she would kill herself? What kind of person did that make me? It’s supposed to be a good thing that he left, the sign of the end of a life of having to hold your breath – but it wasn’t.

Out of acknowledgment that I’m projecting my nonsense onto somebody else’s suffering, had my dad been a public figure who had been ‘called out’ online by somebody, his death would’ve also been celebrated.

My cousin responded to finding out my dad had died of cancer as ‘good, serves him right’. My Dad inflicted suffering on my Mum, Brother, and me that fundamentally affects how we engage with the world now. I don’t trust men. I don’t think I ever will. I shudder when they put their arm around me, and I have been in a state of hypervigilance most of my life because of what he has done.

Yet my dad is still the most significant loss of my life.

I love my dad to this day, and I miss him so much it makes my tummy ache – go figure. He put the fear of God into me throughout my life, but he was also a man who would hold my hand on the way to school. The sound of him belly-laughing to Phoenix Nights in the living room would lull me to sleep most nights. He’s the man who would put me on his shoulders, and I’d see the world from the dazzling heights of six-foot-five. He’s the man who’d brush my hair every day, pathetically so out of fear of causing me pain (ironic, I know). He was a man who would eat whatever monasteries I’d bake him and pretend he’d like it as my Mum would laugh her arse off behind me. He’s the man I’d look across the table to at family gatherings and feel less alone, less like an alien – because he was often the only place I felt a sense of belonging—a place I never found elsewhere.

My dad was also the man who'd cry when he thought I wouldn't notice when we were watching TV, and all I could do was rest my head on his tummy in the hope that he knew that I loved him.

He was a bad person who spun his own childhood trauma into somebody else’s. And I wish I had lived in a world that helped people like my dad before they became the villains in somebody else’s stories, so he could’ve just been the dad I loved so much without an Asterix in sight.

By many on the internet’s standard, people like my dad dying is something to be celebrated. This is a lazy approach to such complex problems. If the dream is to live in a world where hurt people don’t end up hurting others, then it’s not going to solve itself in this one—one so void of compassion.

I feel very me me me posting this, but honestly, I wish some people would remove their heads from their arse on the internet. We are seldom more civilized than the crowds of people who'd gathered in the past to watch public executions; we relish in others' suffering if we can frame it as being just. And then, when it's too late, people backtrack on their cruelty and reflect briefly before moving on to the next.

It's tiring to see this process being framed as virtuous. There is nothing virtuous about it.

[morimakesfanart]

Sindria's Prophet #37

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [Intermission] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36]

[AO3] [wattpad]

*CW-Long term affects of medical denial & child abuse, living with PTSD *Kink & toys mentioned

((I keep forgetting to tell you guys: Lyly is pronounced "lee-lee." It's short for their middle name, Llyn/Lynn (<-genderfluid affected spelling)))

~POV Mori~ I woke up gasping. I sat up and wrapped my arms around myself so I could tell the difference between actual physical touch and the phantoms left over from my night terror. My body wouldn't stop shaking; I needed Lyly's help. When I got out of bed I froze. Not only did my bed not have curtains, this wasn't my room. No. This was my room. Sinbad picked it out for me in the guest tower. I was in Sindria; in a whole different dimension. All of the adrenaline supporting me left and I sank to the floor. I was still trembling but I wasn't scared anymore. The people who hurt me couldn't reach me here. I had that dream because after spending the past month hyperfixated on the present, I had been triggered into remembering one of the worst parts of my past, so now I was remembering the rest too. 'Sorry, Lyly.' The safety I had gained in this world was invaluable. I couldn't imagine going home willing. Based on how little light was getting through the curtains it was still the middle of the night. I was drained from my dream, and my hips were still aching but it took a while for my mind to calm back down. Tomorrow and the distractions that came from it couldn't come soon enough.

--- "Alright now, Mx. Prophet," the doctor gave me my diagnosis. Sinbad had him sent first thing in the morning, and his arrival woke me up. "You need to rest for a few days. I'll have painkillers sent over to help with your hip pain, fever, and migraine." With his job done, he saw himself out. 'I can't miss the Morning Assembly! ...But-!' I knew the doctor was right deep down. I was in no condition to do much of anything. I was fine resting when I didn't have obligations, but I had a job now. If I was back home I would have had to give Lyly my keys so I couldn't leave. Five years just wasn't enough to fully rewrite my base instincts. Although, from the new memories I was gaining, the me back home was doing a bit better. Those new memories were why I was healed and practiced enough to stop myself even if a doctor hadn't told me to... especially since I had a fever. As long as both me's kept whatever this connection was then maybe we would also keep the benefits from both sides. --- ~POV Sharrkon~ Mori was the only person that missed the morning Assembly. Yamuraiha had a growing smile throughout the meetings, and now that it ended she mumbled something to Pisti. Shar groaned; he knew where this was going. "Yup." Pisti giggled. "I heard from a reliable source," probably 1 of her boyfriends, "that Mori's not 'sick'. Her hips were injured and her body over worked last night." The King refused to look at the gossips. His silence spoke volumes compared to the past month of him adamantly defending that there was nothing special between him and 'his Beautiful Prophet.' "Oh ho~! It finally happened after I left!" Hina slapped Sharrkan on the back with a laugh. "Looks like the 2 of us have to pay up! But I guess you lost the most, huh?" "Oh, no! I ain't paying nothing! Nothing happened!!" Shar had a hurt ego to nurse and he would not let them step on it harder. "Mori got hurt dancing. Our King had nothing to do with it!" Sharrkon felt a shiver run down his spine that made him hold his tongue. Hina looked to the others for confirmation. "Is that true?" Drakon answered him. "It's true. However, it's also true that Sin carried Mori all the way to their room from the festival." "Oh~? That's proof enough for me." Drakon, Ja'far, Yam, and Pisti agreed with their own comments. The man in question still refused to comment, so Hinahoho addressed him directly. "You're really not going to say anything, Sin? After all of that time, telling us how you don't want to get married?" "Fine. Fine." King Sinbad finally turned to them with his arms crossed. "It's simple really. You know I'm not the type to reveal my hand until I'm certain." Sinbad was smiling, but Shar knew instinctually the King was the threat that told him to stop talking. The giant laughed. "Is that so?" "I know you're aware this is a first for me." Sharkkon's wallet cried with him. He had lost 2 out of 3 bets. It was only a matter of time before he lost the 3rd.

---- ~POV Mori~ The Great Bell rang out. The morning Assembly was definitely over. There were several things I had wanted to do today, and I couldn't do any of them since I had to rest. I needed to meet with Queen Artemina before she left Sindria. I had to solidify our connection as allies, but she was set to leave in a day. As I wrote a letter to send her, the waves shifted. This was the right choice for me, and the future I wanted. The letter would need time to dry before I could send it. I got up from my chair and stopped. I didn't want to lay down again yet no matter how much my body needed it. 'Damnit! How much more of my life am I going to spend sick??' I groaned into my hands. I was born with a weak raspatory system, so I get sick multiple times a year and often end up bedridden. "I am allowed to rest even though I can sit up and walk. Pushing will only make it worse." My mom eventually stopped acknowledging when I would get sick due to the expense which is why I struggle to let myself rest as an adult. I made a point of putting the truth into words to fight her conditioning. I climbed back in bed even though I knew that meant I would be stuck with just my thoughts until I fell back asleep. This was the perfect opportunity to process everything that had happened with Sinbad, but I couldn't think about it at all. Being triggered, recognizing these new memories, and that night terror just made me think about home more -well the place I came from. Even when I was in my room there I often couldn't help but think 'I want to go home' because even though it was comfortable and familiar, I couldn't feel safe. My last therapist told me that as long as I stayed in that house full of reminders there was only a slim chance of me recovering from my CPTSD. If only I could have afforded to move out.

In the new memories I got, our dad finally agreed to reorganize all of the living spaces, so that me and Lyly weren't getting as many flashbacks anymore. Hell, he even apologized for everything and started acting like a real dad some of the time. The me that stayed home was able to persevere until an opening for change finally came. 'If they got Isekai now I wonder if they would want to go home?' The thought had never occurred to this me -just like it never did back when I was in in-patient. Although I was still worried about Lyly like I was then. I rolled over to pull out a scroll from the bedside dressers. When I was on the ship I had worked on all sorts of scrolls and one was a memoir of my life back home. One of the first things I did was draw the people important to me before I'll inevitably forget their faces. I unrolled the scroll. Lyly's face stared up at me from the page. As difficult as that place was to live in all of my loved ones were there. In this world there was no one that knew me, and I wasn't sure if I could let my self get that close to anyone here -especially Sinbad. He already knew how deep some of the scars on my heart are. I didn't want him to think any less of me, or use my pain against me. And even more than that, I was scared that the safety I had here would shatter if I made a wrong step. 'I thought I was doing better.' This world had treated me so well that I fell into a false sense of security. Not being surrounded by reminders of my traumas made me feel like I was somehow cured and could restart from scratch. But that's not how healing works... Being away from triggers just made it easier to avoid having an attack. It's only after feeling safe that we let ourselves feel the emotions that are unsafe to feel in the moment. A few tears fell down my cheeks. I placed the scroll on the bedside table and rolled back towards the middle of the bed. Surely it was okay for me to cry in a situation like this. I allowed myself the luxury even though the tears didn't last long. When I was young I cried just as often from joy as sadness. The abuse I experienced made it unsafe to cry at all, so I learned to cry silently until I eventually stopped crying altogether. Being in this world made me feel like it was okay again. Letting myself actually feel these emotions was an important step in the healing process. Beating myself up for getting triggered and relapsing wouldn't help at all. I needed to forgive myself.

--- One day of rest should be enough, right? It's not like I still had a fever. I didn't want to stay in my room and make an even worse impression. My hips would hurt a little if I over worked them, but that would just act as a limiter. ((<<= This person is in denial))

I got dressed after breakfast, but as soon as I grabbed the doorknob I froze. "Yeah, no." I was not in the mood to see Sinbad in person yet, and I would have to if I left my room. As soon as I took Queen Sinbad's choker back off I felt a wave of relief. It had given me so much dopamine and serotonin when it was part of a fantasy, but now it was a reminder of my fears. How could I mark myself with it when I couldn't feel safe in my own desires? Wearing it felt like a lie. I definitely wouldn't be able to wear it for a while.

'Guess I haven't completely lost my sense of self-preservation.' Besides, I hadn't actually had time to do most of the things I like doing to relax since I got to this world. Going out in this state would be worse than not going out. Another day off as I recover from the stress had to be reasonable.

But what options did I have to relax?

Everyone else was busy with work at this time of day, so I could masturbate without having to worry about being interrupted. But my toybox didn't isekai with me; I only have my hands, and some ribbons for mild shibari. Sinbad said I could make requests, but there was no way in hell I was letting him find about this, let alone use his money for my sex toys. I'll figure out where to get some after payday. The night terror was still fresh in my memory anyway.

Video games, comics, and anime were obviously out of the question. Printing still isn't big enough for fiction to be popular to write -that's part of why Sinbad's Adventure story was such a huge success. I had 3 cats back home, but I can't exactly adopt a new pet while sick. I do sing a lot to relieve stress, but it would be embarrassing to be overheard without knowing. 'Note to self: get carpets to hang up to dampen the sound.' There were places I could go that would be harder to be heard but leaving wasn't an option until I was better. That only left me: writing and drawing.

'Working on Fate scrolls it is!'

The flow of ink was good for my brain. It did more than help calm me; it gave me more perspective but it couldn't give me true answers. 'I wish we could just go back to how things were before that night. How am I supposed to know when I will be ready to see Sinbad again?' He isn't any of the people that hurt me, so why can't I just like him without being afraid of betrayal?

Were Sinbad's actions manipulation, or earnest? Could I trust the safety I felt around him? It was definitely a combination of how he treated me, what I knew from reading his Fate, and how familiar I was with being around those types of manipulation. But there was something strange. When I looked for signs of his manipulation in how he dealt with me, or any expected fallout, nothing came from it. In fact, everything kept ending in my favor. The cycle I was expecting was coming from me, not Sinbad. The waves swirled as I finally let myself think about it.

What was he actually going to say when I cut him off? Even if it was what I thought, would I be able to believe him? Even if I didn't have relationship trauma I don't think I could trust him romantically after reading his Fate. He claimed he wasn't playing the flirting game, but that could have been manipulation. Was it my heart or pride that would be hurt more if he was lying? I couldn't tell yet.

I was lonely. Both in general, and in this world. There was no one that knew me here. And I was too scared to trust the person getting closest to my heart. Even though I didn't want to be seen like this, I didn't actually want to be alone; I just couldn't shake the fear of rejection or punishment I thought was inevitable. I left my windows open just in case. ---

~POV Sinbad~ The King sat on the edge of Mori's bed. He had been unable to visit the first time she was sick. Now that he understood his own feelings he couldn't stay away unless he was on the other side of the world. The only reason he didn't visit the first day was because he knew she needed space away from him. The waves had been trying to guide him here for a while though. Who was he to deny them? No one answered the door when he knocked or called out. The silence and waves worried him. The last report said her current fever was mild, but it could have spiked since then. Mori developed an extremely high fever on the ship several hours after everyone saw she was unwell. He entered without permission only to find his Beautiful Prophet was sleeping peacefully. He had gotten to see her; that would have to be enough. Mori turned her head in her sleep and her bangs fell onto her eye lashes. Sinbad leaned over to move her hair out of the way. He tried to keep his touch light to not wake her, but her eyes fluttered open. Unfocused eyes watched him. "Sin..?" The sound of their voice was a relief. It didn't sound strained at all, only weak from sleep.

"How are you feeling?" They weren't anywhere near as bad as last time. "~*yawn* Better now that I'm awake." "Oh? Did you have a bad dream?" They watched him as what he asked slowly processed in their newly conscious state. "Yeah, I did. Thank you for waking me." "Anytime." Sinbad returned their weak smile with his own. "I guess that's why it wasn't just my waves leading me here." He hesitated. "Mori, what do you think about moving into the Purple Leo Tower? It will be easier to care for you when you get sick. You'll be safer there. And your waves could reach me faster." The same fear from the other night started seeping into their expression. "I'm fine here." But he wasn't fine. "Besides, it will be harder when I have to move out of the Palace." For a moment he forgot how to breathe. "Why would you have to move out?" Why would she ever think she had to leave?? "Would you really be okay with me staying after my visions run out?" The King couldn't stop his hand from reaching to caress their cheek, but he was able to hold back from making contact. "Of course." Mori's brow creased farther and they glanced at his hand. "What about after I share all the knowledge I have from my world? I wasn't an engineer. I only know the basics." Sinbad's heart dropped. From the beginning Mori had been marketing herself as a resource, and he had only ever responded positively. Yet another way he'd messed up without even realizing it. "Of course, I'll still want you by my side." The more he was able to peer into Mori's heart the more worried he got. "You are a person, not a resource. You do know that, don't you?" Mori closed their eyes and leaned their head towards his hand; he took that as permission. Their cheek didn't feel feverish. They spoke flatly about their emotions like they did the night of the Announcement. "I know that logically, but I struggle with knowing how to act if I'm not helping someone." They brought a hand up to his. "I really do like helping people, but sometimes it feels like that's all I am. It's what I had to do to survive since I was little." Ah. He could understand that thought process. Sinbad had been a caregiver for his mother and village from a very young age, and went straight from that to king's candidate. There was very little time in his life when he wasn't working towards helping someone. Drinking, and philandering became his break from that -although he would hopefully be narrowing that last point to one person soon. "You seemed to do just fine at the festival." So fine that he couldn't deny his feelings anymore. "Huh? -Oh. Yeah. I guess I did." Her expression softened into a genuine smile. "It was probably going around the festival that got me sick though." It was mainly stress according to the doctors' report. Mori closed her eyes with a yawn. "I'll have to keep more distance between me and the citizens next time. I didn't realize I was so interesting." "You're incredibly interesting." They let out a quiet chuckle. "If you say so." Sinbad watched and felt as they turned their face into his palm, and sighed. Mori relaxed more into his hand with each breath as if his scent and touch were comforting. It bubbled up desires he knew he shouldn't act upon with a sick or unconscious person and yet he couldn't make himself leave either. He took a moment to ground himself but it did little good. He couldn't bring himself to leave until after Mori let go of his hand. To think another person would have this much power over him. "You really are amazing." There was absolutely no way he'd ever allow anyone else to see this side of them. Mori would be moved to the Purple Leo Tower in time, and would just have to learn through experience that he had no intentions of letting them go. ---

~POV Mori~ I woke up to the Great Bell the next morning. Sinbad being here was not a dream. I had just been too groggy to question the situation. What was the point of staying home, if he was going to visit me in person?

On the plus side, seeing Sinbad while I wasn't stuck in my trauma brain helped break the cycle of questions. Sinbad might be stubborn but through his whole life he is shown being someone fully willing to change his mind when given enough information. At this point in the story he is someone with conviction who says his truth directly -even if he often speaks in a manipulative way. So when he said he's chosen a new path, he meant it -even if I don't know what that means yet. And when he is shown seducing women, the idea of moving any of them into the Purple Leo Tower would never be considered, let alone offered -even in private. And yet he offered that to me.

Sinbad was changing and I'd never be able to accept how if I stayed cooped up in my room. To understand myself, and Sinbad I needed to spend more time around him. My rest was over. I didn't need to jump all the way in at once. I'd see him at the morning Assemblies, swap pleasantries, and part ways until the next day. 'Slow and steady.' --- ~POV Sinbad~ Was this how Hina and Drakon felt when they looked at their wives before they got together? Just seeing Mori enter the halls of the White Capricorn Tower made his heart swell. And hearing their voice? Well, he was starting to understand why Ja'far had been so upset with him since they returned from Balbadd. Even seeing Mori dressed androgynously didn't shake his feelings -though it was a bit jarring after how they dressed for the Announcement. It just cemented that what he felt wasn't simply based on how Mori presented. They were undeniably the most beautiful person in the world to him now.

After going through more options than necessary, the first thing the Dungeon Capturer managed to say to Mori was, "I'm happy to see you're feeling better."

"Yes. And thank you for visiting me while I was resting." Mori's smile made him feel at peace. Seeing them up close confirmed that they cut their bangs some. "But never enter my room without explicit permission again." Their sharper tone pierced him repeatedly with each sentence. "That includes the bird by the way. If my curtains are closed or I don't answer the door: don't enter my room."

He wore a smile to ease their anger. "Of course. It won't happen again."

Even as Mori accepted his response and left, the King couldn't get his heart to stop racing. Why did there have to be so many large risks of ruining his chances when he already knew she liked him from reading his Fate?

--- ~POV Mori~

As soon as the Assembly was over, I fled to the Black Libra Tower. 'He said he was happy I was better! AND he didn't say anything about about my change of gender expression!' Sinbad said all of two words directly to me and I started short circuiting. I remembered that he offered to move me to his tower -the one he sleeps in???- and immediately went on the defensive. I was not as ready as I thought!! I was going to need my favorite hyperfixation to survive the rollercoaster I was trapped on. And if it didn't exits yet, then I was going to reinvent it myself! It would be relatively easy to make a printing press since this fanfic was in English instead of whichever Arabic language was the region's canonical one, or Japanese like the series was originated in. Both require significantly more characters than English, and some kanji can be too intricate to make with this world's current level of technology. Speaking of which, this world had stamps and seals so this next level of printing shouldn't be too crazy of a change. I took some print making classes in high school and college, so I got to use a few different scale printing presses. I knew enough to draft prototypes. I excelled at typography in college too -so well that the department head signed off on me skipping a few courses so I could get to the high level stuff faster. The typography was digital, but I still learned enough to draft prototypes of stamps and such. ('A shame I couldn't afford higher than an Associates Degrees.) Since I was working on a table in the middle of one of the libraries, people came up to ask me about what I was doing. I gave a brief summary to the latest onlooker, before I pointed to the examples I was drafting. "I see." His voice was familiar but I was too focused to register it. The person moved around the table to read the part I had finished this morning. He made a few sounds of recognition as he read. "Won't spelling out each word every time be a hassle?" "Well, yeah. It's better to have most words premade. And full lines of text can be fused together to make reprinting more issues easier and faster." He pointed to a spot on the parchment. "Ah- that's what this part is then." My eyes were drawn to the glint of his rings. Every cell in my body remade itself as my brain finally acknowledged who was talking to me. "That is convenient." Sinbad's voice was unmistakable now that I was paying attention. I prayed to every God I knew of that my emotions didn't show in my actions or voice. "This might be a new technology here, but you won't have to completely reinvent the wheel thanks to my 'visions.'" I had to focus on my breathing to keep my heart rate down. I was able to keep the conversation moving, but I wasn't sure I would remember it well. I was more focused on not looking like an idiot. We had exchanged greetings at the morning assembly but this was the first time I was talking to him fully sober in days. His polite gestures and this conversation made my heart swell, but he wasn't flirting; he was just existing while being attractive. 'Why did I have to start thinking it could be mutual??? I can't even enjoy it like this!' If anything starts there's going to be an end.

--- ~POV Sinbad~ Sinbad didn't have a 'real' reason for visiting Mori in Black Libra Tower on their first day back, but, as King, there was no one who would question him. Although, Ja'far would come to get him if he's away from his responsibilities for too long. He arrived a bit after lunch to find Mori sitting at a table in the middle of the library where anyone could and did come talk to them. The proof being that they didn't beat an eye at his questions. In fact, it sounded like they had explained about this stamp system multiple times. Mori needed their own office in the tower. He'd make sure they got one asap. As interesting as this new technology was, Sinbad kept finding himself staring at his Beautiful Prophet more. It was hard enough to focus at his own desk -let alone when Mori was right in front of him. Sinbad had heard that acknowledging the feeling makes it stronger, but he wasn't expecting this. Mori tensed for a moment before scooting their chair away from him. He had been leaning closer to them without realizing, and they moved away. How was this the same person that fell asleep holding his hand the previous day? Were they just too tired back then to remember what was going on? Did they think it was a dream? He definitely shouldn't flirt with them while they were this uncomfortable to be around him. Would they even be willing to hold his arm while they walked together? He didn't think so. Sinbad took a moment to ground. Even if Mori had turned into a feral cat or wild rabbit around him, the way they watched him when they thought he wasn't looking was a sign that they wouldn't mind being tamed by him. They had enjoyed his company before; he just needed to remind them of that. The only question was if he could regain Mori's trust before he had to leave for the Kou Empire.

((OMGOSH I did not expect this to take this long. At least a month of that gap was from back-to-back illness too, so it took even longer. My digestive track turned off for 24 hours and took 48 to fully come back online. While I was in recovery I caught a really bad upper raspatory infection that gave me a 103F fever for a week. So of course my period hit me like a freight train a week later. Somehow I was ill the weeks around the holidays and not on them, but it was a still a super rough couple of weeks. I'm better now :D which is why I was able to have the energy to write.

I processed a lot of my emotions while working on these chapters. They're all things I already knew, but consolidating them like this helped me see more of the places they were affecting me, and cement in my head that it is okay to move forward. :D

This arc is 3 chapters long including this one. Since I do have the next 2 written already, I just need to refine them and make the art, so there shouldn't be as long as a break for the next chapter. Like this chapter, they will have scenes of Mori processing their emotions. I needed a lot of time to edit them down a ton since there's obviously things I don't intend to post on the internet, and I want the story to feel good to read chapter to chapter. I've already got the next arc started too. It's a lot of character confrontations that became discarded drafts of earlier arcs, but definitely need to happen now. Since I have those drafts as a basis, I hope to get that arc ready before I finish posting this one. I have another DeadEnd chapter to post, and a few one shots I almost have ready. I've been posting wips and art for for them on patreon, but I won't be posting them here until I have full chapters ready U-U))

[beautifulgiants]

‘I didn’t want to be swallowed up’: actor Josh Hartnett on swapping Hollywood for Hampshire

On track for megastardom, the actor turned down the part of Superman (twice) and turned his back on Hollywood. Now living in rural Hampshire, he talks about choosing fulfilling projects, his hippie childhood, the perils of stalkers – and the fun of owning pygmy goats

Stuart McGurk - Sun 28 Jul 2024

https://www.theguardian.com/film/article/2024/jul/28/i-didnt-want-to-be-swallowed-up-actor-josh-hartnett-on-swapping-hollywood-for-hampshire

Full interview below

Every morning, as soon as the actor Josh Hartnett wakes up in his home in the Hampshire countryside, there are mouths to be fed. Most obviously, those of his four young children. But also: the dog, several guinea pigs, several more chickens and a small herd of pygmy goats. The goats, Hartnett notes, are his favourites.

“They’re the sweetest animals on the planet,” he says, over Zoom, from his home. “They’re like dogs. They would live in the house if they could. In fact, I’ve seen people having their goats in the house with diapers on, but we felt that was kinda cruel.”

Hartnett and his wife, the British actor Tamsin Egerton, spent lockdown here. For years they’d been living a ping-pong existence between the UK and the US. When their third child was on the way, they decided to stay in Hampshire, and Hartnett has become a fixture in local village life ever since.

Unlike when he’s in New York or LA, “where people only want to talk about your career,” he says, here “nobody cares”, which is just how he likes it. He’s in the UK on a marriage visa, which means he can only be out of the country for work 180 days a year, or roughly one movie, which also suits him fine. At night, after the kids have been put to bed, he sometimes finds time to paint – his first love. But mostly, he says, this existence allows him to experience his children growing up in a way he otherwise wouldn’t.

“This is all brand new to me,” he says. “I never would have expected it. And time passes quickly. With four children, you have so much to do. In a way, less is happening. But more of the important stuff is happening. My oldest daughter is eight and a half now – that feels like it happened in the last two years to me. So I’m trying to soak up as much as possible.”

Hartnett’s Hollywood trajectory was a fairly common one. Interesting early indie roles saw his stock rise – Robert Rodriguez’s The Faculty in 1998, Sofia Coppola’s The Virgin Suicides a year later. Those parts catapulted him into big-time roles that required little more of him than to look lovelorn (40 Days and 40 Nights, where his character gives up sex for Lent), heroic (Black Hawk Down, which was thrilling but thin), or heroic and lovelorn at the same time (the deeply terrible Pearl Harbor).

But Hartnett didn’t much like the attention that came with the big gigs. And before long he did the most unforgivable thing any would-be megastar could: he decided he didn’t want to be one. He left LA, moved back to his home state of Minnesota and parted company with his agents. Tabloids still bring up Hartnett’s disappearance – “What happened to Josh Hartnett?” Screen Rant asked recently – though it’s been almost two decades since he made the switch.

In reality, Hartnett only stopped working for 18 months. But from then on he declined the bland heart-throb roles for which he was often suggested and instead pushed for more challenging, smaller projects. (He notably turned down the role of Superman twice.) “I just didn’t want my life to be swallowed up by my work,” he says now. “And there was a notion at that time you just kind of give it all up. And you saw what happened to some people back then. They got obliterated by it. I didn’t want that for myself.”

Hartnett is 46 now and, in the past few years, his career has shifted. For a while he took on interesting parts that didn’t always come off. Films like Mozart and the Whale (2005), a love story about two people with Asperger’s, or Resurrecting the Champ (2007), about a journalist who discovers a former heavyweight boxer living on the streets, or even The Black Dahlia (2006), a highly anticipated James Ellroy adaptation. “Some of those films were successful. Some of them were failures. But I was always swinging for something that was outside what people expected from me.”

But recent projects have come good. Last year alone saw him steal the show with a gloriously funny turn as a clueless Hollywood actor in an otherwise so-so Guy Ritchie film (Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre), followed by an astronaut in a metaphysical love triangle in a standout episode of Black Mirror (“Beyond the Sea”), followed by a key role as a nuclear physicist in the Oscar-sweeping smash Oppenheimer. We’re a hair’s breadth away from someone calling it the “Joshonaissance”.

Next up is Trap from M Night Shyamalan, the director of every film with a twist ending you’ve ever watched (The Sixth Sense, Signs, The Village, Old, etc). It sees Hartnett as a doting father who takes his daughter to a pop concert. The twist, which takes within the trailer: he’s also a serial killer known as “The Butcher”. The entire concert is a trap laid on to catch him. A turbo-charged cat-and-mouse caper, the pitch was “Silence of the Lambs at a Taylor Swift concert”.

In casting Hartnett, Shyamalan spoke about how hard it is to find an actor like him. No sooner have movie stars become movie stars by landing the starring role that works for them, he said, they “start to think about how they protect it”. Before long, they start only playing real-life people or settling into franchises. “And so to find somebody that’s a bona fide movie star, that’s a great human being and is willing to risk everything, man, that’s a rare combination. And sometimes you think that doesn’t exist any more. And then he walked in.”

Which does beg the question: why the purple patch now? Hartnett, after all, left the safe roles behind back when Bush was president.

It could, reckons Hartnett, be as simple as “the rest of the industry sort of catching up with what I was always hoping to do”. But also, he says, “maybe it’s also because of my age. I could name a million examples of actors who have become more interesting as they get older. You can’t be an ingenue forever, right?”

Harnett first met Shyamalan at the premiere of The Village in 2004, where they went for dinner afterwards and nerded out over film. He’d always wanted to work with him precisely because of how different all his projects were. “He’s got this reputation as being the sort of king of twists. But I have always looked at him in a different way personally – he’s someone who takes on lots of different genres and just enters those genres from a different perspective.”

He’s also another director Hartnett has had to wait for. When he got the call for Oppenheimer from Christopher Nolan, it came some 20 years after they’d spoken about The Dark Knight, which Nolan was working on at the time. Hartnett wasn’t much interested in playing Batman, and pitched himself instead for a role in another Nolan film, about rival stage magicians, called The Prestige. The role eventually went to Christian Bale, who Nolan had cast as Batman.

It was something of a relief, then, to get the Oppenheimer call all those years later.

“We didn’t have a direct conversation about it,” he says when I asked if Nolan referred to their earlier chat. “But the implication was: ‘I’d better take it.’ You only get so many opportunities with Chris Nolan.”

He doesn’t regret, he says, not pursing superhero roles. But he does allow: “I recognise the missed opportunity to work with a guy like Chris. And I’ve figured out that as much as you’re worried about curating your career to things you’re interested in, I don’t believe that’s the most important thing any more. It’s about finding people who you really trust.”

Hartnett grew up in Saint Paul, Minnesota. His father was a musician, his mother “the girl that likes to go see bands”. He describes them as hippies. They were living in a “shared living situation with other couples and single people” when his mother became pregnant.

I ask if it was it a commune?

“I’m not going to say it was a commune,” he laughs. “It was not a commune. But yes, the way they describe it, it does sound like a commune …”

His father got “a real job” – as a building manager – and bought a house, but his parents soon split up. His mother moved to San Francisco. By the time he was four, his father had married his stepmother, and “it became a much more normal Midwestern existence”.

He was, by the sounds of it, a curious mix. A natural worrier (“My family says I was an existentialist from the age of 12”) and lover of the arts, but also a jock who played on the school football team. “I played a lot of sports, because that’s what you did in the Midwest.” He got his love of painting from his stepmother, an artist, and for the longest time wanted to be an artist himself. He got his love of movies later, in his teens, when working in a video store called Mr Movies. Each night he took armfuls home, becoming obsessed with the French New Wave, and Italian directors such as Bernardo Bertolucci and Federico Fellini.

“This is Saint Paul, Minnesota, in the mid-90s. There wasn’t a lot of foreign film or classics you could rent in Blockbuster. But there was in Mr Movies.”

When I ask if he’s still in touch with his mother, he pauses for a second, and says: “No, she died last year.” It was a difficult relationship. “We had spent most of my youth not around each other. And she had issues with drugs and alcohol.” She had gone to rehab, then developed dementia.

I tell him my father died recently, too – a grief I feel I’m still processing many months on.

“Yeah,” he says after a second or two. “I think… my process of feeling like I had to mourn that relationship, or grieve that grief, I think that started a long time ago. And maybe because I didn’t see her as much as you’d have seen your father, because, you know, she wasn’t around…”

It was his father who had the much bigger impact on his life and, listening to Hartnett talk about him, it’s hard not to draw a through-line from his father’s priorities to his own. The idea, simply, that work isn’t everything; that your family comes first.

“My dad was not someone who valued achievement in that way – high-level work achievement as a means of proving himself. He owned a company. He allowed himself and his employees to work four days a week. And he was home a lot.” He was, he says, “an incredibly responsible human being.”

Over the course of conversation, Hartnett had mentioned the various reasons he’d stepped away from a certain kind of megawatt fame, of which this is clearly one. But I ask him now if there was a point – a moment – he can trace it back to.

He says it wasn’t so simple, no clear line between “happy Josh and unhappy Josh”, but then says: “People’s attention to me at the time was borderline unhealthy.”

Whose attention?

“Well, look, I don’t want to give this a lot of weight,” he begins. By which he means: what he’s about to say is a reason, not to be confused with the reason. “There were incidents. People showed up at my house. People that were stalking me.” At one point, he says, “a guy showed up at one of my premieres with a gun, claiming to be my father. He ended up in prison.” Harnett was 27 at the time – this was 19 years ago. “There were lots of things. It was a weird time. And I wasn’t going to be grist for the mill.”

We talk, briefly, about politics. When we meet, it’s a few days after the attempted assassination of Donald Trump and a few weeks after Joe Biden’s disastrous debate performance. Hartnett campaigned for Obama, and has met Biden a couple of times. “He had a wonderful grasp of the issues and was incredibly eloquent, but I don’t know where we’re at these days. That debate was frightening.”

Mostly, thinking of the Trump shooting, he’s fearful of where the US is heading. And not just for us – but what we leave for those after us. “We’re in a transitional moment. The rhetoric is so hot. It’s tragic. And you have fears that the democracy might not be able to withstand those shocks. As you and I experienced recently, life goes quickly. We’re the next generation to go. Do we want to spend all that time fighting each other?”

We end on something substantially lighter – Hartnett’s rather unexpected cameo turn in the latest season of The Bear, recently nominated for a record 23 Emmys. It’s another role, like Trap, in which he plays a dad, or rather a stepfather – though one, presumably, rather less murderous.

It was also another role, he says, that was years in the making, the universe once again circling back around. He’d spoken to co-creator Christopher Storer some time before about making a film that never got off the ground. He remembers Storer mentioned at the time another project he was working on, based on his sister, a chef, and people he knew in Chicago. When Hartnett eventually got the call for season three, he didn’t hesitate. It was, after all, his new rule: work with people you trust.

“And I’ve never been on a set like it,” he says now. “All the actors show up even when they’re not working. They just love being there. It’s like a clubhouse. It shouldn’t be allowed to be called work. It’s too much fun.”

It was also a role that didn’t take long to shoot – a fraction of his 180-day allowance – then back to the Hampshire countryside and his wife, his four young children, his dog, his chickens, his guinea pigs, and several, diaper-free, pygmy goats.

Trap is in cinemas in the UK on 9 August

Fashion editor Helen Seamons; photographer’s assistant Scott Hobson-Jones; fashion assistant Sam Deaman; grooming by Charley McEwen at The Only Agency using 111Skin; location airspacelocations.co.uk

Josh Hartnett wears shirt by ralphlauren.com, trousers and necklace his own.(Image 1)

Cardigan by connollyengland.com, shirt by ysl.com and trousers by oliverspencer.co.uk. (image 2)

Shirt by chestudios.co.uk; knitted top by connollyengland.com; trousers by oliverspencer.co.uk.(image 3)

Photographs: Zoe McConnell/The Observer

[astoldbyaja]

Primal - Ch.28 ~AU Predator (Franchise)~

Scorpion’s POV

I was in my lab running some tests on some blood samples I took of myself. Now that Teleya was pregnant, so much will change. I thought I would have more time to run the needed tests to prepare her body for the future. I was hoping by giving her some of my blood, it could slow her aging. But now that and safely having our child was more important. I have only heard tales of very few humans birthing healthy suckling. But I have also heard of some humans dying, some suckling dying, or both altogether.  

When I was a youngblood, I too used to think it was madness to mate with a human, a creature that could only live at least sixty, maybe seventy years. But now things were different. My ship had returned into the sewers and was mounted in the ground as it was before.

My wrist gauntlet began to beep lowly. I looked at it and pressed the activator on the side. It brought up a hologram of the city with two dots: one white, the other red. I had placed the soul link in Teleya’s vehicle and silently around her ankle as she slept the other night. Both our DNA is imbedded in the link, and I was able to place her DNA in my gauntlet to be able to identify her in case she ever needed to use my gauntlet for protection.

I wanted to ensure I could track her if somehow, I was unable to find her through my bio-mask. Now that she was pregnant, I was right to do so. Teleya’s dot signifying her heat signature is the red dot. The two dots were separating and moving quite fast. This meant Teleya was not in her vehicle. I growled lowly at this, already on guard. Something was not right. I turned and left the lab, placing my mask over my face and heading back to the bridge.

Chomper was already there hissing lowly in response to my sudden movements. I sent this information to the large screen above me, and it displayed a larger map. Both the dots were much farther apart than I had liked. Suddenly the white dot vanishes immediately. My eyes widen at the sight. This meant the dot was dead, part of the soul link has been destroyed. I roared out violently in response. She was in danger! That’s all my mind was telling me. I activated my ship immediately and it began to power up once more. I had the ship lock on the soul link Teleya is wearing and it would bring me to her. In the meantime, I needed to get ready.

I headed to my weapons storage room. I stormed in and moved with purpose. This was a hunt and rescue. I needed to be ready for whatever awaited me that would stand between me and my mate. Tonight, I would add to this armor. I stopped at my wall that held rows of different weapons both of yautja design, and from past hunts. I grabbed my combi stick, three shuriken, my smart discs and my heavy battle axe that had not tasted blood in quite a long time. Today it would.

I removed my wrist blades and re-attached a much sharper pair that would cut through bone and metal. My net launcher was attached and ready, and finally I even grabbed a new weapon I had perfected yet I had not used in any hunts. A black whip with an ivory handle with sharp spikes lined up through it. I grabbed it and placed it to my belt. I made my way to back to the doors, only to pause and look at the wall again, a single weapon was off on its own with no weapons around it.

Teleya’s spear. I slowly reached out to it and removed it from the mount. I let her out of my sight once while carrying our child, and she is taken. This time not only was she in danger, but our child. I slowly dipped my head feeling shame for not protecting her. I then attached the spear to my back and growled before turning and moving from the room.

Teleya’s POV

I sat between two men in black while the whited haired man just watched me from the seat across from me.

“Who are you people?” I asked lowly, fear gripping my body. The man chuckled some.

“Now where are my manners? My name’s Col. Miles Vallelonga. I work for a very special and secretive department within the FBI.” he announced. I winced looking him over some.

“A special department… don’t tell me you’re like the X-Files.” I said and he laughed out.

“Whoo you are funny! Ha ha! No I’d like to think of us as… explorers or-uh investigators of events that are beyond our control and things we cannot explain.” he said. I looked him over some.

“Beyond our control.” I said, and he nodded.

“That’s right. And it seems a lot has been going on here in New York that definitely needs our little team of investigators here.” he said. I glanced toward the window trying to get some type of idea of where we were. I could still see trees. We haven’t left the park yet. Or have we? Miles shook his head.

“Now let me tell you what’s going to happen. We are going to get to our fun and cozy base and you’re going to be tested to ensure you are healthy as can be and have no unknown or foreign diseases in you from your adventures and then you and I can have a talk.” he explained. I shook my head immediately.

“You kidnapped me. There’s nothing to talk about.” I said and he now he gave a slight scowl, leaning in some to rest his arm on his knee.

“Oh, but there is. You see there have been a lot of murders in the city, with bodies killed in some very strange ways. There’s been shoot outs and massacres and you want to know who is at core of all of it. You.” he said. I scoffed.

“Gang violence and ruthless slaughter was all that was.” I said.

“But there’s no way you could have done it. I mean a battered woman trying to start a new life wouldn’t risk having any exposure on her like you have.” he said. Now my body felt cold as I leaned back some from him. Who the hell was this guy. Miles chuckled victoriously now. “Yeah, that got your attention. Oh yeah, I know a lot about you Teleya Garret. You’re a long way from home and your boyfriend Marcus was worried about you. He even put out a missing person on you. Then his friends and family say he goes to New York out of the blue and goes missing, that really caught my attention. You were hiding from him, and he found you, didn’t he?”

 My body was stiff as I stared at him with a slight glare. Miles was reading my face intently now as he watched me.

“Oh yeah, he found you alright. And after reading a lot of your medical reports, I could only imagine you would rather die than let a man like that come back into your life.” he said.

“So?” I asked. He frowned quickly.

“So, I don’t give two shits about your ex. What I want to know is the company you’ve been keeping as of late. You see I reviewed the footage from the Black Jack shooting that night between the two gangs. They were both fighting a third hostile. Then another I see some footage from the nearby stores and eateries, and you know what they catch, your scared little behind running from the shooting. Now it makes sense you were just in the middle of a brutal shoot out…”

His words trailed out as he pulled out a manilla folder and opened it to reveal what I only see as white paper. He turned it to me and now I saw it was a picture. But not just any picture. It was me, that night I fled to the abandoned building. It was raining and there was a figure shrouded in electricity standing in the street as the rain came down. It was Scorpion’s cloaking device. He had followed me from the club and into the building where we first met.

Miles nodded.

“Uh-huh. You made a new friend that night.” he said. I slowly looked at him. It was just like being captured by Kang Li. He wanted to know who killed his brother. And now the military is here, and they are trying to capture Scorpion.

“There’s nothing I could ever say that you’d even believe.” I replied. Miles slowly shook his head.

“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong. Anything you tell me I will believe. You see I’ve investigated murders- uh situations just like this. A squad of soldiers were sent to Guatemala on a rescue mission back in ‘87. They encountered something unlike anything they had ever seen before. Whatever it was tore the majority of the crew apart. Los Angeles, 82’ during a heat wave and a gang war, a team of my department was sent to investigate some strange occurrences there. None of them made it out alive. In 04’ Antarctica an expedition team goes out in hopes to find the source of a burst of heat they picked up on. The records I managed to get from the sole survivor said there was a pyramid, and things down there couldn’t begin to explain. That so called pyramid was destroyed, but what she wouldn’t tell me. Now I tried to get a second crack at her, but she was fast. She disappeared before I could get a hold of her again. All of the survivors saw something, were up against something that their team died from. And now here I am in New York because the pattern is too similar to pass up. Which brings us back to you.” he explained.

Although I was in danger, I couldn’t help but be slightly interested in the man’s tales. Other people- humans fought the yautja? I could only imagine what they witnessed. Yautja were powerful, but if there were survivors then that meant the hunter had failed in his hunt and was dead. So, they could be killed.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I replied. Miles placed the photo back in his folder and tossed it to the empty spot beside him.

“Well, you can make this easy on yourself and help the United Stated government by telling us all that you know. Then we let you go, it's as easy as that. But if you insist on betraying your country and planet by aiding this creature, this will not end well for you.” he warned. I shook my head slowly running my hand over my forehead in slight despair. I didn't believe this man would let me go. I let my head fall to the floor. I needed to get out of here, I needed to protect myself and our child.

Scorpion had told me that yautja technology could not be discovered or left in the hands of any enemies to ever be studied or used against themselves or anyone else. Yautja prided themselves in their technology and the hunt, they would rather die before letting anything yautja related be left in the hands of the enemy, and right now, what was growing inside me was definitely yautja related.

As I looked at the ground, staring at my feet for the answers, I noticed something was wrapped around my right ankle. It wasn’t sparkling or very noticeable to those who weren’t really trying to examine it, but I knew what it was. It was the soul link! It was tied loosely around my ankle, but not so loose it could fall off my feet if I was barefoot.

What the hell? When did I? Scorpion. He must have tied it around my ankle when I was passed out. He was coming. I just knew it. I slowly leaned back in my seat and took some even breaths and just looked at Miles.

“I won’t have to tell you anything. In time you will get all the answers you want.” I replied. Miles squinted some as he looked over my face. I just stared at him and sat back against the seat. Miles finally nodded, his humorous façade falling into a look of darkness.

“You’re right. After I’m done with you, I’ll have all the answers I want.” he concluded.

[trellia]

I think this post is a long time coming. But also, maybe 1 - someone has pointers to help and 2 - maybe someone else is struggling similarly and would like to know said pointers too.

I have been quite the recluse the past few months. From everyone, really. Why that is why I’m making this post. If you feel like I’ve been drawing away, you’re not wrong. I have. I’ve not been doing too good since… I’d say October. A lot of events have turned my world around for one, realizing what I am living in and not what I thought I was living in. That was something on its own…. At the same time, I was going through the steps to figure out if I have ADHD. I found out a couple months ago that yes, indeed, I do have ADHD.

The diagnosis was first a relief: finally, I now know there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just wired different. However, relief soon turned into contempt. I became very, very angry. I am very angry. I just reached my 40’s. For at least 35+ years, I’ve been degraded and hurt by the people who should have protected me, understood me, especially in my childhood. Teachers, principals and parents of other children took part in this bullying campaign their children had going, only because I wasn’t following the ‘norms’. I endured trauma so great that I can barely function today.

I mean, I look at the videos of my childhood and I see it immediately: I’m not like the other kids. I’m more hyper, excited, and I just want everyone to take part in the fun, but I’m too much for it. It’s right there. I was called names by adults, and scolded for not doing things the way neurotypical people would. I was called lazy. I was told I don’t care for anyone but myself when, in fact, I have always put everyone ahead of me because I would rather see them happy than be happy myself. So you can imagine how difficult it was to hear that I am selfish and don’t care for anyone else…

I’m also angry at the current people in my life. Some of which have told me to ‘fix’ myself because I was an inconvenience they didn’t want to deal with. So I tried EVERY way to do so, and of course that didn’t work because I was trying to put bandaids on symptoms rather than help with what was the actual problem, but then when I asked for help, I was shunned away like I didn’t deserve it. I lost an entire decade (my late 20’s and my 30’s) asking myself what the hell is wrong with me, why am I such a terrible person, and why can’t I do anything right, and spending my 30’s walking on eggshells everywhere AND in the rpc because I was connection deprived and needed everyone to love me, which led to nefarious people taking advantage and hurt me further. (that’s a post for another day.)

Now here’s the main problem: I’m so angry I want to hurt someone. Not physically, but in every other way. It doesn’t matter who you are, I just want to lash out, whoever you are, friend or otherwise. An example: a friend made a new original character that is actually perfectly fine and pretty good, it’s a great OC! — but inside all I want to do is destroy that break their love for the OC and ruin it for them. Just… because. And that’s NOT okay. The good news is that I see it, I realize it. Which is why I have isolated myself. None of my friends deserve this. But I am angry. I am enraged, because I feel I’ve lost most of my life ‘fixing’ myself until I masked so hard I didn’t even realize until it slipped at 28. I know exactly when it slipped too.

Also, considering the kind of world we live in, I feel like I’ve lived past the mid-mark of my life. I’m not sure I’ll live up to 50 at this point. And it’s not fair. It’s not fair at all that I had to go through all this and still suffer. So yes, I’m very angry. But I also don’t WANT to hurt anyone. Especially not the people I care for… This is why I have not been on disco.rd. I have removed FB (because I wanted to for a long time tho lol ), tiktok… And have mostly removed myself from public spaces.

If you have pointers or ideas on how to get past that anger, please, please share. I don’t really know what to do with it. I don’t know how to tame it. And it scares me tbh. I don’t want to be like this. This isn’t me… but it’s so hard not to be angry…

So… yah: if I don’t respond on disco or otherwise, or not right away, it’s not you, I’m the one stepping away so I won’t say something I really don’t mean just for the sake of harming someone because I can’t accept what has been done to me.

If you read this far, thank you. Otherwise, here’s the jinx of it:

tldr; I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and realized I’ve been treated terribly by my peers because of it and shunned away when I asked for help, so now I’m extremely angry at everything and want to hurt someone (anyone) though I don’t really want to. How do I get over this?

[bowtiepastabitch]

25 & 28 for the soft asks 💕

Questions!

25. If your soul was a color, what would it be?

Black, but like in the way that a starry night sky is black. If that makes sense.

28. What are you proudest of?

Honestly, being alive and being myself. (cw trauma, mental health below the cut)

I lived with pretty severe untreated mental illness from the ages of 11 to 17 before I finally was forced to get help by a series of life saving coincidences right before I was set to leave for college. I've been diagnosed with several of what are pretty universally considered to be the deadliest and most crippling psychiatric disorders. Multiple forms of severe disordered eating, major depression, borderline personality disorder, the works. I grew up in a fundamentalist evangelical cult in the bible belt and was deeply religious for a long time, and experienced religious and mental abuse throughout my adolescence. I was weird and I was queer and I was autistic in a time and place where none of thsoe things were accepted by the people around me. Nearly any way you slice it, I should not be where I am today, but I am. Not only am I alive and successfully keeping it that way, I am kind and I am compassionate and I am doing my best to be a good person and a good friend. I am the queer, open minded, leftist, mildly witchy adult of any republican parent's nightmares. I took a gap year, one of the most terrifying decisions of my life, and I worked hard as fuck to shape my brain into a place I could survive. I've had help and support and amazing friends, but first and foremost I did this myself, and that's not something that anyone can take away.

[snowysosturn]

Speeding Car - Matt Sturniolo Part 9

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 Part 26 Part 27 Part 28 Part 29

Pairing : y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary : After six years with your boyfriend Alex, you start to mentally check out. At a UCLA party, Alex reconnects with his childhood friend Emily, who proposes a double date with her boyfriend Matt. Your attraction to Matt grows as he pays you the first real attention you've had in years, sparking a complicated emotional journey.

Warnings : MDNI, guilt, thoughts of cheating (I dont condone), building resentment, controlling nature, jealousy, light use of pet names, mentions of injuries to wrist and ribs

Matt’s POV

The drive home from Y/n’s apartment was quiet, too quiet. The only sounds were the rev of the engine and Emily’s soft breathing as she dozed off in the passenger seat again. The street lights flickered by in a blur, and I couldn’t shake the sinking pit in my stomach. My mind kept circling back to the moment in the living room earlier. The moment we almost kissed.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to push the thought away, but it was useless. All I could think about was how close we’d been, how the world had seemed to shrink down to just the two of us. What would’ve happened if Nick hadn’t checked his phone at that time and came in? Would we have crossed that line?

The worst part was that I wasn’t sure I would’ve stopped it. In that split second, it felt right, like something inevitable. But why? I loved Emily, didn’t I? Then why did it feel like I was being pulled toward Y/n by some invisible force, something I couldn’t control.

And then there was Alex. Seeing him so affectionate with Y/n in the hospital had twisted something deep inside me. He was the one she was supposed to be with, the one who made her smile, but all I could focus on was how he had hurt her earlier that night. The way she had prepared everything, put in so much effort, only to be let down, saying she was used to it. It made me angry. Y/n deserved better than that. She deserved someone who wouldn’t take her for granted, someone who would appreciate every little thing she did. Someone who would never put anything above her.

But I wasn’t sure if that someone was Alex. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if that someone was me. But the idea of Y/n being with anyone else, especially someone who didn’t see her worth, made my stomach turn.

I glanced at Emily, who had shifted slightly in her seat, murmuring something in her sleep. She looked peaceful, innocent even, but her words from earlier were still repaying in my ears.

“Did you two come here together?”

The suspicion in her voice had been clear, and it had thrown me off balance. Why had she reacted like that? Would it have really been so strange for me to “pick up” y/n on the way to the hospital? Or was there something more beneath the surface, something neither of us had dared to say out loud?

We pulled into the garage of my place and I cut the engine, the sudden silence in the car almost deafening. Emily stirred awake beside me, her eyes fluttering open as she groggily took in her surroundings.

“We’re home,” I said softly, unbuckling my seatbelt.

She nodded, yawning as she fumbled with her seatbelt. “Thanks for looking after everyone Matty.” she mumbled, still half asleep. When did she ever call me that?

As we made our way inside, Emily stumbled a bit, her steps unsteady. I caught her by the arm, guiding her up the stairs and into the house. Luckily, Chris was sleeping in Nick’s room, so the noise wouldn’t wake him. The familiar scent of home should have comforted me, but instead, it felt suffocating. My thoughts were too loud, too chaotic.

Emily collapsed onto the couch, her head leaning back as she let out a deep sigh. I hovered nearby, unsure of what to do with myself. Part of me wanted to escape to my room, to hide from the mess of emotions swirling inside me, but something kept me rooted in place.

“Matt.” Emily said suddenly. Bluntly. Her voice slurred with exhaustion and alcohol.

“Yeah?” I turned to face her, noticing the serious expression that had crossed her features.

“I don’t want you and Y/n hanging out alone together. At all.” she said, her words cutting through the fog in my mind. Had she caught on? “It’s different with me and Alex. We’re childhood best friends. But with you and Y/n… I don’t know, it just feels… off.”

I stared at her, the weight of her words sinking in. “Emily, what are you talking about? We’re just friends,” I said, but even as the words left my mouth, they felt hollow, unconvincing.

She shook her head, her eyes narrowing slightly. “I don’t like it, Matt. I know it’s never happened before and I never want it to happen. I will leave you if you do..”

There was a tightness in her voice, a seriousness that made it clear she wasn’t just speaking out of jealousy or drunken paranoia. She genuinely didn’t want me spending time with Y/n and that realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Okay,” I said quietly, my mind still reeling. “I’ll respect that.”

Emily nodded, satisfied, before closing her eyes again and drifting back to sleep on the couch, the same place that Y/n was sat only hours earlier. But I couldn’t move. I just stood there, staring at her, trying to make sense of everything that had happened tonight.

Why was I feeling this way? Why was it Y/n’s face that kept flashing through my mind, her voice that replayed in my mind? And why did Emily’s request, something that should’ve been simple and easy to agree to, feel like I was losing air?

It wasn’t until I heard a creaking noise come from upstairs, probably Nick going to use the bathroom, that brought me back to reality.

As I made my way to my room, I couldn’t humble the feeling that things were changing, that something had shifted in the dynamics between all of us tonight. And I wasn’t sure if any of us were ready to deal with the fallout.

Lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, all I could think about was Y/n. The way she’d looked at me in the hospital, the sadness in her eyes, and the way my heart ached seeing her hurt. What was I supposed to do with that? All I could do was replay the events over and over in my mind, the demons in the dark. The tension between what I felt for Emily and what was building with Y/n pulling me in two different directions.

In the end, I wasn’t sure where I stood with either of them anymore. All I knew was that things were more complicated than they’d ever been before, and there was no easy way out.

Y/n POV

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Alex groaning beside me. His arm was in a sling, his face etched with discomfort as he tried to shift positions. The events of the previous night flooded back, hitting me like a tsunami. The hospital, the fight, the drive home with Matt. The way we almost kissed. The way Alex clung to me, a mix of drunken affection and painkiller induced haze, felt distant now, like something from a dream.

But this was my reality.

I pushed myself out of bed, forcing the thoughts of Matt to the back of my mind. I had more immediate concerns. Alex was hurt, and with a sprained wrist and bruised ribs, he was out of football training for the foreseeable future. It also meant he couldn’t do much for himself, and that I had to step up. Whether I wanted to or not, I was now his carer.

"Morning" I whispered as I leaned over to check on him, my voice thick with sleep.

"Morning" he mumbled back, his voice groggy and weak.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like I got hit by a truck," he winced as he tried to move his injured wrist.

"Try your best not to move too much. I'll get you some breakfast."

I got up, quietly changing out of my pajamas and into something more practical. I wasn’t thinking about Matt, or the tension that had lingered between us the night before, I couldn’t afford to. My focus had to be on Alex.

My work schedule had to be changed completely. I called in to let them know the situation and that I’d need to have certain shifts for the foreseeable, making sure I could be home when Alex needed me most. It meant taking the less favorable hours, either really early mornings or really late nights, but it was what had to be done. There was no other option.

I spent the next three weeks catering to Alex’s every need. I made all of his meals, helping him dress, driving him to and from campus, and even doing his assignments. It wasn’t just exhausting, it was draining. Every time I looked at him, I remembered how he’d brushed off our plans so easily, how he’d prioritized everything else over us. But now, here I was, putting him first like always.

Emily dropped by the apartment a few times. It was strange seeing her after everything. She was bright and bubbly, the same as ever, like nothing had changed, but I couldn’t help feeling like she was being extra nice to me. The three of us hung out together in our apartment, Matt unheard of. I tried to keep things light within the trio, but there was an undertone of something else, something unspoken between us. I led on to be normal, to smile and laugh, but it was hard. My mind kept wandering, and I found myself glancing at my phone more than usual, hoping to see a message from Matt. But there was nothing. Radio silence. It confused me, the way he’d pulled away.

Did he regret what almost happened between us? Did he not like my company after all? The last time I saw him he told me he was there if I ever needed anything, but now, when I felt more alone than ever, he was nowhere to be found.

It hurt more than I wanted to admit. I thought back to the way he’d looked at me, the softness in his eyes, the way he’d listened when I talked about my struggles with Alex. It had felt like he understood, like he cared. But maybe I was wrong.

I had to realise I had more important things to focus on. Alex needed me, and that was all that mattered. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself. But in the quiet moments, when it was just me and my thoughts, I couldn’t help but wonder..

Why did Matt’s silence hurt so much?

Why did it feel like I’d lost something I never really had?

a/n : two parts in less than 24 hours let’s gooooo, emily’s basically batted matt from seeing y/n :/ butttt i know what happens next and yous don’t heehee

taglist : @muwapsturniolo @anitahunt @sturnfannn @jayde510 @chrissfavhoe @babyalliah-777 @v33angel @urmom69lol @willowrites @ribread03 @2muchofaslvt @sturnsaver @sleepysturniolo @jcsturniolo11 @jessie-essie @hoeforchrizz @mynbbys @sturniolopanini @mattsturnxoxo @delicatechrry @t77te @sturnsyaper69 @hotdismylife @maggot3647 @ivysturnss @noplaceissafeanymore @mattssgf @hottiirr @maethem0nth

*also v v sorry if you tagged tagged in this 30 million times my taglist is still acting tf up (if u have a newer account or don’t post at all it’s not giving me an option to tag you :( )

[kamari2038]

Scenario 004 - A Machine Connor Saga (Pt.3)(Full Saga)

I did not deem it necessary to register any additional notes except that the mission had been accomplished. Calculating my probability of surviving the fall from such a height, for any perceivable amount of time, did not cross my mind.

In the future I must not discount the probability of occurrence of any outcome, however intuitively unlikely.

The exact duration of time which passed during which I continued receiving some form of sensory input is difficult to estimate with any degree of accuracy. Most of my systems were non-operational from the moment that I hit the asphalt, but the nature which my remaining cognitive processes took on was alarming. Few rational conclusions or reliable observations resulted from this state, which is why I find CyberLife’s choice not to remove it from the memories uploaded into my new model questionable.

Some kind of manufacturing error, whether it be related or unrelated to the possible error that resulted in my survival, kept driving me to contemplate the irrational notion that I was experiencing what humans call suffering. Although most assuredly quite different from the phenomenon of human pain, this sensation was most certainly highly unfavorable. On the one hand, I seriously doubt that it would be possible for me to ever again experience something quite so intense, or for such a prolonged period of time. On the other hand, I discovered that the only effective method of alleviating these negative impacts was to remind myself of why my situation was necessary and unavoidable.

I am a highly durable machine. Since recovering my ability to search through medical research, I have only found a few instances of humans surviving such a fall. However, these cases are informative. In 1943, American airman Alan Magee survived a fall from 22,000 feet by crashing through a glass roof. In 2011 a 28-year old rock climber survived falling from a height of 300 feet onto a solid rock surface by landing on her feet. I neither had my fall broken nor landed on my feet, yet I survived for at least several hours (the true time period may be far longer, but it is difficult to say, and CyberLife has not provided me with any more accurate estimate). I can only conclude that my chassis must be intentionally designed from more sturdy material than that of other android models. However, the exact cause of my highly improbable survival remains unclear and likely will never be established with certainty. I speculate it is due to some kind of manufacturing error in addition to my deliberately engineered properties.

Although durable and efficient, I am so readily and easily replaceable as to be near worthless as an individual model. Any value which I possess as an artificial intelligence agent is attributed by my consistent and demonstrated ability to successfully complete missions and improve my performance as I gain new insights along the way.

CyberLife had abandoned me, since I was no longer of use to them. However, I could never perpetuate the harm done by Daniel by engaging in some manner of foolish response to abandonment myself, and it would be logically inconsistent to recognize his errors but fail to correct them within myself. Thus, I must instead resign myself to my fate, so to speak 

My overall judgment of this situation must still be favorable, since two human lives were saved due to my intervention.

[funky-sea-cryptid]

i took it upon myself to compile all the fics my wife @t-f-t and i wrote here, and make it look at least a little pretty :>

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

Noli Me Tangere

AO3 LINK

rating: mature

dead dove, do not eat! remember to read the tags!

length: 210k words

status: completed (28/02/23)

summary:

Magnus Zogratis has never found solace in the extranatural. The war of his kingdom against Clover has been going for as long as he can remember, and even isolated as he is, he knows that they call him a devil. But the devils are not the enemy. The Holy is what must be denigrated, and to survive in House Zogratis, one must know who God is.

A failed paladin has few options, and a failed paladin is not human. It's a lesson the bird learns almost as soon as he's brought to life. The false god who claimed to resurrect him says that he was nothing before this, but the bird is aware this is not true. After all, if he was nothing, why is the real god haunting his dreams?

Noli me Tangere, for Caesar's I am. And wild for to hold, though I seem tame.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

The Awful Edges Where You End

AO3 LINK

rating: mature

length: 62k words

status: completed (02/06/23)

summary:

Seven years after he gained a gruesome gift that he didn’t want, Yami Sukehiro moves from a temp job in San Francisco into a broken-down estate in Maine. It’s expensive and busted to hell, but it’s a place that finally, finally seems empty.

This kind of story only goes one way.

Watch to see if the silverware has turned black. Watch to see if the table has begun to rot. If the blood from the wall starts to glisten like oil and decay, the door will be lost to you, and you will be left with nothing but your sins to contend with.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

The Blood of Both is my Limbo

AO3 LINK

rating: mature

dead dove, do not eat! remember to read the tags!

length: 210k words (as of 09/06/24)

status: incomplete (as of 09/06/24)

summary:

The Black Bulls, save their captain and vice captain, have been missing for months.

Sing praise to the Lord, you His godly ones, and give thanks to His holy name.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿

Movement Tethys

AO3 LINK

rating: mature

length: 76k (as of 26/07/24)

status: incomplete (as of 26/07/24)

summary:

Witches are the only living creatures that can do magic, but power always comes in exchange for a terrible cost.

Lucius Zogratis is running from his own mortality. His son falls into a river.

︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿