#the only trauma he has is the asylum

[killershrike]

you guys I have to admit to yall. I'm actually crazy. there is a dark side of me you haven't seen...

I like to take always sunny characters + lore seriously, I psychoanalyze them and then bring them to more extreme sides of the character while trying to keep always sunny vibe & humor. such as: I have a CharDen fic I've never posted which centres around Dennis murdering Jack Kelley for Charlie and bringing him the skin to show his love. yandere, obsessive, crazy, yes. but NOT that far from canon and I could tell you why i think so down to exact episodes + lines but I'll spare you my intense psychosis

[alarici]

mostly interested in the character/relationship study potential of the ‘everyone lives’ but I also want to try to write a mostly uncomplicated, if not bittersweet meronia thing to the tune of In Our Bedroom After the War or such

[the-witchhunter]

DP x DC: Why summoning the Ghost King and Danny when he expects Pariah Dark might literally give John a panic attack

So, this would not be the first time John has summoned something and didn’t get what he expected. To explain that, I’ll have to explain the Newcastle incident, and I will but going to give a brief overview of what the consequences are before dipping into that… because it’s a bit intense

So during a summoning one of the things you need to do is name the being you’re summoning. The ritual and sigils are what brings the being forth. Naming the summoned entity is part of the binding. The binding is what gives you an amount of control over the being summoned and offers protection to the summoner

So having the wrong name means they have no control over what they summoned. Naming the spirit puts it on a leash and muzzles it, having the wrong name is just letting it in without the leash or muzzle

Let’s just say at this point, Constantine’s past experience with summoning would make him super against summoning “the Ghost King” and one of the other magic users like Zatana would have to do it

John would be freaking out the moment the wrong guy showed up, he has some trauma around that. Even if it’s just Danny, this is going to dredge up some stuff and he’s going to have a hard drink afterwards

I will now be going into one of the most traumatizing moments of John Constantine’s life. As such, it’s going to get pretty intense and I’m toning it down a bit

Explanation of the Newcastle Incident Content warning sexual assault and abuse

In 1978 Constantine and his “magic gang” go to the Casanova Club to deal with a bit of a situation there. They arrive and there’s a lot of dead bodies in the basement and a very traumatized girl

Astra Logue’s father was basically a cult leader and an orgy enthusiast. He and his followers did some not so great things to Astra. Astra was psychic, so in her distress she summoned a hellhound named Norfolthing (actually a primordial elemental but that takes explaining) to protect her from the sexual abuse of her father and his followers. Norfulthing proceeded to commit sexual assault against the cult before killing them

John and the Magic Gang showed up to deal with the aftermath. In order to get Astra out of there and get rid of Norfulthing, they decided the best way to deal with this was to “fight fire with fire”

They then proceed to summon the demon/former god Nergal but the ritual didn’t have his name. Right ritual, wrong name. Nergal then proceeded to drag Astra’s soul to hell, Norfulthing raped one of the magic gang

John then spent the next two years at Ravenscar Mental Asylum and only managed to rescue Astra’s soul from hell about a decade later. She was still dead obviously but at least she wasn’t suffering in hell

So yeah

John has some baggage when it comes to summoning things with the wrong name

[zepskies]

Series Masterlist - Take Me Home

Pairing: Beau Arlen x F. Reader 

Summary: You are another lost soul at Sunny Day Excursions. You’re aiming to settle in Helena, Montana, where Beau Arlen is the new sheriff in town. But you both have a past you’re running from. 

AN: Welcome to my first ever Big Sky series! This is set towards the beginning of season 3.

Series Tags/Warnings: (**18+ only!) Angst and grief/trauma, PTSD, canon murder mystery, eventual smut.

🎵 Listen While You Read: The TMH Music Playlist (YouTube)

Chapters:

Part 1: All of Her Days

Part 2: It's Not Right, But It's Okay

Part 3: Welcome Home

Part 4: A Past & Future Thing

Part 5: Not That Simple

Part 6: A Man or a Coward

Part 7: On the Edge of a Knife

Part 8: Take Me Home

Part 9: A Choice to Make

Series complete!

Bonus One-Shots:

A Good Man Is Hard to Find** When Beau starts pulling away from you and Emily during a very difficult case, will the pressure make or break your relationship?

A Crime of Passion** When Beau Arlen decides to “make it up to you,” he’s damn thorough.

S.I.N.G.** Beau wishes you’d take this self-defense lesson a little more seriously.

Echoes Beau has another rough night, but you help him face a harder truth.

Ko-Fi Me ☕

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[lookingforhappy]

I feel like sometimes we put too much blame on the other siblings for neglecting our favourites:

Luther has repeatedly gone off on his own (investigating Reginald's moon research, getting high in the club, going to the coffee shop, locking Viktor up, entirety of his time in the 60s pre-Five's arrival, refusing Five's plea for help, refusing to stay and talk to Viktor, etc etc) without telling anyone or wanting anyone to follow him. Him being gone for 1 day and no one noticing isn't really a red flag.

Diego's obssession with JFK was extreme and a red flag for his mental health, but he has been a walking mental health red flag since he was a toddler (so have they all). He was also ignoring all of Five's warnings about him saving JFK potentially causing an apocalypse that would make his actions worthless as he'd actually kill billions. He then ignored all of Luther's warnings about meeting their father, which Luther was right about (mostly). Five leaving him in the asylum wasn't unwarranted, no one knew that the Swedes were going after Diego at all.

(allison is honestly valid in her blame of the others not looking out for her as she is consistently expected to be the one to reach out, not the other way around)

Klaus’ addiction, homelessness and PTSD are ignored by his family largely because he has refused help and advice so often that they’ve learnt not to give it. He is ignored when giving plot relevant information because he has described a thousand absurd things to them that are ultimately meaningless. In essence, he is the boy who cried Wolf.

Five is incredibly rude to his whole family, barring Viktor, and is consistently minimizing their traumas and experiences to get them to do what he wants (even if he does want to save their lives, he's going about it the wrong way). He is also very cryptic and withholds a lot of crucial information about things like the apocalypse.

(ben is difficult because most of the time he can only talk to klaus who is having difficulties of his own, and who tells everyone that ben isn't around which is a dick move honestly but not one done out of malice and ben is well aware of that)

Viktor has almost always put his own trauma and recovery before anyone else's. He has physically fought and hurt every one of his siblings and his foster (?) son, and arguably done so consciously. He has also bared his sibling's private home life/childhood to the entire world without their knowledge or consent.

the situation is usually a lot more complicated than "everyone needs to apologise and do better to character A" because character A isn't innocent in this either

[ollycohens]

oh no you guys. i’m going to spew things i’ve realized while rewatching umbrella academy. I’m realizing were all being too sucked into fanon things after being stuck without canon content for so long. We have convinced ourselves Five acts like a mean mean dude to everyone but rewatching, i’ve realized he’s only stressed and is saying things out of panicked anger, especially in s1 with the apocalypse dooming over them. he acts soft to his siblings multiple times, he’s really not as mean as we write him in fanfiction. he is a little crap though, that’s for sure, and i love him for that <3

also realizing that the siblings don’t hate five. they just literally don’t know him at all. he came back a completely different person after 17 years for the siblings, they don’t know five, he’s a stranger so of course they’re gonna be cold to him. it’s like, “i don’t know you well, but you’re always going to be my brother in the end”.

ALSO. for those who ship some of the siblings, uhm… i’ve seen a lot of you guys try to prove that they don’t see eachother as siblings and more like academy students, but they very much say in just about every episode that they see eachother as siblings. they don’t actually SAY that word by word but they say things like “she’s our sister”, or “our dad”. if they say OUR dad… bro. i’m not even going to continue, you can put it together yourself. But, i do realize why people ship the siblings. I am not defending incest shippers but with umbrella academy i can see why people have resorted to it. only 3 of the characters in the main sibling cast has romantic partners. people like shipping people, people love writing romantic relationships, but with only diego/lila, dave/klaus, and sissy/viktor, (i’m not going to count five/dolores for now) people are desperate with the need to ship the rest of the siblings with someone, and since there are only a few actual canon characters in the show that interact with our main 7, people start shipping them together… yikes. anywho, that’s all for that peice. i blame the show writers as well for shipping luther/allison, they did not have to do that, but i’m hoping it was only to convey the severity of what childhood trauma does to people.

ALSO THIS HERE SHOOK ME. I actually think Reginald cares for the siblings. i hate to say it, but it’s true. caring for them does not mean being good, though. he was a horrible father, and person, but he genuinely did care for the siblings, in a like, “being the best is the best thing for you, i will make you better, for your sake, even if you don’t know it now, you will see that i am right” kind of way.

also why has NOBODY MENTIONED THIS. in season 2 when diego first reunites with five in the asylum, while he’s walking into the visitors room, he’s staring at five with this heartfelt, soft look, and then says “five…” in the most soft spoken voice ever 😭 your honor i love them

ALSO UGHHH THIS. IM GOING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT CAMERAWORK AND METAPHORS HERE SO BARE WITH ME. we as a fandom complain about the lack of flashbacks five has due to his ptsd. we’ve seen his first flashback since getting back to his family in s1 during the van scene when he gets triggered by those kids playing and starts thinking about his own childhood, i’m guessing. i ate that scene up, and was sad to see that be one of the only deeply vulnerable scenes he has in the season, and during my first watch i thought they’d never bring it back up. but they do!! i may be stupid for not realizing but whatever. in season 2, when five is trying to explain at elliot’s with all his siblings around that another apocalypse is coming, everyone starts talking about each other. as someone who studies film and camerawork, i love this scene. we see the camera focus on five as it slowly zooms in. it doesn’t switch scenes at all as the siblings voices overlap and echo over eachother. this whole scene conveys him getting overwhelmed and he starts to zone out, starting to think of the nuclear war he saw his siblings in. the scenes of the war start quickly switching through, showing many different scenes of it before it switches back to five, who says “guys, you all die. i want to forget it but i can’t” which just UGH its so well done there. if you think about it, he was starting to slip into another flashback. he was triggered by talking about their deaths in the war but was handling it well until the siblings started fighting, where we see the overlapping voices happen. it portrays him losing control and being unable to pull it back together with too much going on for him to focus on grounding himself. we DO however, see that five was able to pull himself out before he fell too deep into the flashback. i love how they show this through them still having the scene showing the war, but then fives voice starts talking over the scene which is still focusing on the war as if he was pushing it back and forcing himself to come back to the present.

thank you for reading if you’ve made it this far, i will continue to freak out another time <3

[hauntingrabbits]

More Batman/My Little Pony au art because these are ridiculously fun to draw. Part 1 here!

More info under the cut!

1. Sweet Talk/The Harlequin (Harleen Quinzel)

Originally contracted to work as a psychiatrist for the Tartarus villain redemption program, Sweet Talk had a unique relationship with the Joker. This relationship was proven to be even stranger than her coworkers had originally assumed when she broke him out and joined him in his life of crime.

Devoting herself entirely to her new life and relationship with the joker, she covers her original cutie mark at all times. Snce her horn was snapped she can no longer cast precise spells, leaving her magic mostly emotion-based and intensely volatile, (typically manifesting in the form of sparks, zaps, and explosions).

Other Notes:

-Using Tartarus as a substitute for Arkham Asylum for this au because why not.

-The villain redemption program did NOT go well. Sorry Twilight.

-Mostly based on BTAS Harley because I adore the original costume.

-Her horn was cracked by the Joker

2. Pudding Pie/The Joker (The Joker)

Batpony’s most notorious foe. Said to have been just a regular pony until he fell into a vat at an Ace Potions factory during a conflict with Batpony.

He doesn’t have a Cutie Mark, but it’s unclear whether this was always the case or instead a result of his accident. The effects of permanent Cutie Mark loss—the only known cases of which occurred via long-banned magic and/or traumatic injury—are largely unstudied, and it’s ramifications are unknown. Some ponies theorize this may be the reason for the Joker’s mental state and general disposition.  

Sundown has a different opinion on the matter.

Other notes:

-Based mostly on BTAS joker and the ‘89 Nicholson joker.

-His name is just based on Harley’s “pudding” nickname for in in a lot of versions, but I think it would also be hilarious if he was a distant relative of Pinkie Pie.

-I could leave it ambiguous but. Yeah the potion vat didn’t actually do anything beyond slightly altering his physical appearance. He’s just like that and he never got a cutie mark in the first place.

3. Gadiel/Scarecrow (Jonathan Crane)

Raised among ponies, Gadiel was relentlessly bullied for being gangly and birdish, earning him the nickname “Scarecrow” in his youth. Though he later successfully became a professor and psychologist in Gotham, Gadiel was eventually fired when he was found to be testing his fear-inducing potions on his students and purposefully putting them through terrifying and dangerous situations. Deciding to take his experiments to the masses, Gadiel donned the mantle of Scarecrow and weaponized fear to become a career criminal.

As the Scarecrow, he’s known for his skill in manipulation, psychological torture, and crafting dangerous potions and gas. The effects of fear on magical creatures are unique and intense, much to Gadiel’s delight and interest.

Other Notes:

-I wanted to make his front half a crane but I couldn’t get the long neck to work right with the mask, so he’s more crow-like instead.

-according to the wiki 1/3 of Griffin names start with a G so naturally I was extremely tempted to name him Gonathon and you should all be very grateful I did not. The name Gadiel has origins in the bible as the name of an archangel which I thought was fitting given the insane religious trauma some versions of the scarecrow went through. I thought about trying to do something similar for this version but given that the mlp universe uses Princess Celestia as a replacement for God in expressions like “Celestia knows where” and “Oh my Celestia” I wasn’t really sure how to go about it. There’s probably some kind of sun-worshipping thing in equestria idk.

-I spent a long time on the mlp wiki but from what I could find the only “fear” magic in the show is just used by one guy and its just called “dark magic”. I thought for sure there would’ve been some random plant or magical creature they dealt with at some point that maybe did something similar I could use for his blurb but unfortunately there was not.

4. Mandible/Falseface (Basil Karlo/Matt Hagen)

Hungry and deeply resentful of the changeling queen for forcing her underlings to share what little stolen love they had with her, Mandible went rogue early on and split off from the hive to pursue his own ventures. Finding success under the name Claypose as a pony actor in Gotham, he was sustained primarily by the one-sided love of his fans for years, despite the false identity having no real prior personal relationships to leech from. 

After a magical special effects accident on set revealed his true nature, he went into hiding and immediately started crafting a new persona, but soon found in his distress and rage over losing his identity as Claypose that he could no longer sustain any disguise long enough to keep up a long-term facade. Blaming the accident, he targeted the unicorn responsible by posing as his wife to leech his love, but ended up killing the pony in a panic when his disguise failed much faster than he’d anticipated it would. Unable to keep up a new identity or return to the hive, Mandible turned to a life of crime instead, doing dirty work for the bigger criminal names in Gotham and leeching love from his employer’s targets to survive.

Other notes:

-Clayface being a changeling was an obvious pick given his power set but I really wasn’t sure how to tackle the main issue of him being unable to keep a solid form for long. I went with his distress and frustration being the main thing keeping his disguise flimsy (so he gets put in kind of an ourobouros cycle where his disguise being bad makes him upset but him being upset makes it harder to fix his disguise), but the magic accident probably also contributed somehow.

-Why are all the changelings straight up just named after body parts in this show whats that about. The “Clay” in Claypose is obviously a reference to his title/schtick in the comics while the “pose” comes from both his job as an actor and the fact that he’s posing as a pony. Mandible is the name for the jaw part of an insect.

3. Winglon/Killer Drake (Waylon Jones)

Originally intended to be used in an entrance exam, his egg was stolen from a Canterlot delivery cart on its way to Celestia’s school of magic and sold on the black market to a Pony Island circus. Raised to be part of the freak show, Winglon was pitted against circus performers and overconfident challengers in ring fights for money and entertainment. Enduring abuse and injury throughout his life from ponies that he was always fundamentally stronger than, it was only a matter of time until he snapped. Garnering the name Killer Drake for his actions, Winglon escaped into the Gotham sewer system.

Not knowing how to return to the dragonlands or whether he’d even fit into dragon society at all, he continues to lurk in the dark away from any life, deeply resenting ponies and all other manner of magical creatures that make friends with them.

Other notes:

-I like silly names ok. Winglon Jones. -I like the theory that the dragon egg used for Twilight’s entrance exam was actually fake/meant to be a no-win scenario, but I also don’t think it would be that hard for enterprising ponies to get their hands on dragon eggs. The practice probably stopped in the later seasons when they made friends with the dragonlands or whatever though.

-Given that dragons threaten to eat or kill ponies at multiple points in the show, the cannibalism is actually kind of understandable. And also not even cannibalism anymore. Still murder though.

[homocidal-invader]

Professor Membrane: Good or Bad Father?

I've decided to scientifically argue weather or not Professor Membrane from Invader Zim father of Dib Membrane and gasoline the other one by going through EVERY EPISODE of Invader Zim (that he appears in) and making a point counter of every good and bad action he does.

Episode 1 The Nightmare Begins Ignores Dib -1 point

Episode 2B NanoZim Just gives him the tiny ship when he needs help even though what he says is insane. Proffy doesn't even call him insane just tells him to run along + 1 point

Episode 3A Parent Teacher Night He tried to show up for the meeting,,, even if it resulted in the lab exploding. + 1 dad point - 1 scientist point

Episode 6B Battle Dib Didn't recognize his son - 1 point Too hard to contact - 1 point Gave Dib the permission slip + 1 point

Episode 8B Bad Bad Rubber Piggy MADE HIS SON INTO A COOL ASS BATTLE ROBOT TO PREVENT HIM FROM DYING + 1 point

10B Bloatys Pizza Hog Only one annual family night out - 1 point Lets Gaz choose wherever she wants + 1 point Made sure Dib also came + 1 point If Dib doesn't show up, he'll put it off for next year - 1 point 12B Game Slave 2 One of the best lines in the show + 1 point

13 Battle of the Planets Told his son aliens were fake and said he had a big head as a baby. The iconic line "my poor insane son" debuts this episode. - 1 point

14 Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom said "It was only a matter of time" for Dib going to HIS INSANE ASYLUM THAT HE OWNS. - 1 point Did not consider Dib's opinion for a second. - 1 point Sent Dib to the asylum. For the rest of his life. - 1 point And an extra bad point, because that's really bad, and the worst thing he's done in the show and what most people remember him for. - 1 point Another bad point for apparently experimenting on baby Dib so much he has subconscious trauma over it. - 1 point

15B Future Dib Neglects his children (hasn't shown up for weeks) - 1 point However he makes prerecorded messages for them so he's not totally abandoning them. + 1 point Inviting his kids to the infinite energy thingy. + 1 point Pat Gaz on the head + 1 point Noticed Dib was missing immedietely + 1 point He told Gaz to make sure Dib doesn't do anything embarrassing. - 1 point Waited for his kids despite jeers from the audience + 1 point DOESN'T GIVE EVERYONE PERPETUAL ENERGY BECAUSE THEY DISRESPECTED HIS KIDS + 1 dad point - 1 scientist point Membrane doesn't realize the robot dib is fake - 1 point

18B The Sad Sad Tale of Chickenfoot Invasion of privacy by letting randoms in the house. - 1 point Calls his son insane to everyone there. - 1 point Insisting what his son's future is as I'm assuming he does that a lot offscreen. - 1 point Not defending Dib when everyone starts laughing at him - 1 point

20 Tak The Hideous New Girl Trying to make friends with Dib's friend :) + 1 point

21 Backseat Drivers from Beyond the Stars Tells Gaz to be nice to his brother and helps her out with her problem. + 1 point Calls Dib insane behind his back - 1 point

23b Dibship Rising He LIED about the can of beans wiping out ALL HUMAN LIFE - 1 point?

25 Gaz Taster of Pork Always keeps the fridge stocked with good food + 1 point Stopped what he was doing immedietely to help Gaz with her problem + 1 point Put his kid on public TV without consent - 1 point Turned his kid into an experiment - 1 point Makes his children have to do an escape sequence at all - 1 point Apologizes + 1 point

27 The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever Trusted Dib with his anti-santa arsenal + 1 point

DELETED EPISODES!

Mopiness of Doom Listened to Dib + 1 point Told Dib to give up on his dreams - 1 point Very encouraging to Dib + 1 point Constantly checking in on Dib + 1 point Very tuned into Dib's emotions and be able to tell when something is bothering him + 1 point Professor Membrane's love is conditional - 1 point Complaining about Dib to Gaz - 1 point

10 Minutes to Doom Did not recognize his son - 1 point Did not want to get involved with Dib's fashion matters - 1 point Deciding to take a look anyways + 1 point Didn't to his son and now insisting that they have to stop him - 1 point

Day of Da Spookies Calls his son insane - 1 point Stopping work to help him anyways + 1 point

TOTAL SCORE

Good Points - 25 Bad Points - 30

ENTER THE FLORPUS

Making his kids a food robot + 1 point Waiting for Dib + 1 point Calling his son insane to Gaz - 1 point Telling Gaz to be supportive, even using metaphors + 1 point BEHOLD MY BOY CHILD + 1 point Mean to Dib about his interests - 1 point Arguing - 1 point Calling Dib's spaceship fake - 1 point Wishing isn't very scientific son - 1 point Patting his son on the head + 1 point Unprovoked calling Dib's ideas imaginary - 1 point Confirming he knows aliens exist, thus meaning that he's just saying they don't to be mean to his son specifically - 1 point Insisting it's a hallucinations so hard - 1 point Saying he'll always be proud of his son before he thinks he's going to die + 1 point Saved his son from a pit! + 1 point Helped fight off robots with Dib + 1 point Saying "great work honey" to Gaz + 1 point Using the moose without arguing + 1 point Pretending like all of it was a hallucination - 1 point Convincing everyone else it was a hallucination too - 1 point 10 Good point 10 Bad points

TOTAL SCORE

Good Points - 35 Bad Points - 40

RESULTS ARE IN!!!! Professor Membrane, SCIENTIFICALLY, is a BAD DADDYO!!!!!!

[gobblinggojo]

Fortnight

Yuta Okkotsu x Reader

Warnings: Lyrics used at some point, Angst, Cursing, Reader is described gender-neutral,, Reader was sent to a mental asylum by their parents due to their cursed energy which has caused trauma, Past-trauma mentioned, Manga chapter 261 Spoilers, Blood and death mentioned.

ੈ✩‧₊ The Tortured Poets Department Masterlist˚⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

“I touched you,

For only a fortnight

(I touched you)

But I touched you.” 

This was not how any of it was supposed to go. When you first came to Tokyo Jujutsu High, as a first year, you were welcomed with warm, open arms. A complete and utter drastic difference from your home life. 

As a child, you always knew that you were different, You could always see the monsters that your family could not see. For as long as you can remember, you can always remember waking up to the monster in your closet, only to be shaken off by your mother and father as it just being your imagination. You remember distinctly the sounds of your cries as you wailed for your mama and papa to save you. The very same cries you were letting out at this very moment, hoping–praying for Yuta to be okay. 

Too many people in your life have either left, or been killed due to the agonizing evil in this world. Nobara, Nanami, Gojo-Sensei, …Megumi. So many you have loved and cherished as if they were your very own family. 

From the very first moment you were abandoned by your mother and father at the age of ten in that wretched asylum, you knew that you had absolutely nobody. You could still remember the numerous tests and the various blood-work and psychiatric treatment you were put through. The shock therapy, the injections, so much trauma that you, as a child, had to endure. 

When Gojo-Sensei came, a boy with midnight black hair by his side, you had finally been saved–seen, and saved. 

“You–Y/n, have a gift. And I promise you, that with my guidance, and the love of your peers, you are going to be just fine. ‘Kay?” 

Gojo-Sensei’s words are often replayed over and over again in your head throughout the few short years you have been at Jujutsu High. You felt comfort in them, because in all honesty, Gojo-Sensei was right. With his guidance, and the love you often felt from your peers, you were okay. You were perfectly, and utterly fine. 

Truly, everything was going so, so amazing in your life. 

So, why did it all have to change now? 

“I wanna kill him..” 

Your words came out in strained sobs as you sat at the medical bedside of Yuta Okkotsu. Shoko stood right above him, scalpel in hand as she worked ever-so-carefully as she removed Yuta;s brain from his head. By his left side, Gojo-Sensei lay, head cut right open, and brain gone.

Even in death, Gojo-Sensei was nothing but a puppet for the jujutsu world. 

And so was Yuta. Your Yuta. 

“I think we all want to kill him, Y/n,” Shoko’s voice was soft as she spoke, continuing her diligent work of art as she wiped a bit of blood away from dripping down Yuta’s head. 

The male lay unconscious by you, hand loosely in your own grasp as he lay limp, awaiting to use Kenjaku’s cursed technique inside of Gojo-Sensei in order to stop the raging battle between Sukuna and the Jujutsu world. 

“He has taken everything away, Shoko…Nobara, Megumi…Gojo-Sensei…My Yuta..” Tears began to well up once more, slowly dripping down your face as you stared sadly at what was becoming of your lover. 

Shoko pressed her lips together in a frown, her gloved hands carefully continuing to cut open Yuta’s head to get to his brain. Her brown eyes moved at one point, gazing right at you with a look of complete and utter pity. “I know, Y/n.” 

It was silent for a few more minutes as Shoko carefully extracted Yuta’s brain from his head. It made you completely and utterly sick; seeing your lover there in that state. You wanted to throw up as you watched Shoko set his brain down on a medical table before she turned towards Gojo’s own body, beginning to prepare it for Yuta’s brain. 

“Yuta and I were only together for two weeks, Shoko….He called it a fortnight..” You chuckled sadly, remembering Yuta as he spoke to Gojo-Sensei with such excitement when Gojo-Sensei had returned.

“I finally worked up the courage to ask Y/n to be mine, Gojo-Sensei..” His shy smile, accompanied by that little blush of his as he scratched the back of his neck warmed your heart. 

“No kidding! Look at you Okkotsu, finally taking what's yours!” Gojo’s voice boomed loudly as he chuckled at his students' pride. “How long have ya been together? Don’t tell me I’ve missed a whole year!” 

“We’ve been together for a fortnight..” 

Shoko let out a sad chuckle, moving her head to gaze at you as she smiled pitifully once more. “Gojo always knew that something would happen between you and Okkotsu..” You watched as hands covered in latex carefully grabbed the bloodied organ off of the medical table. Shoko turned her back away, carefully placing Yuta’s brain inside of Gojo’s head, before she began to get to work stitching up the puppet. 

“...Will Yuta come back?” Your voice shook as you asked the dreaded question that you already knew the answer to. There was no way that Yuta would be coming back. He only had five whole minutes before the cursed energy would leave him, leaving both himself, and Gojo-Sensei dead. 

“I don’t think he will come back, Y/n.”

Shoko’s words were straight to the point, not wanting to lie to you and get your hopes up. However, you wished that she would have lied to you. The feeling of your heart sinking deeper into your chest hurts. It hurts so bad. 

You could feel the salty trail of tears slowly drip down your face, falling right onto Yuta’s hand that you held as you stared hopelessly at the love of your life. 

“I touched him for only a fortnight, Shoko…How is that fair?” You cried out, moving to stand up as you let go of Yuta’s hand. Your face was red as you wiped furiously at the tears that continued to come out of your face. “How is that fair?!” Your voice cried as you screamed in Shoko’s direction, heart beating quickly as you wiped Yuta’s blood off of his face. 

No reply. Shoko stayed silent as she continued to work on stitching up Gojo, her brows knitted together as she completely shook off your breakdown.

And I love you.

It’s ruining my life.

I love you, it's ruining my life. 

I touched you.

For only a fortnight.

I touched you.

But I touched you. 

Those words replayed over and over again inside of your head, like a mantra that you had known forever. Tears continued to crash down as you turned, rushing out of the medical room as you cried. Cried for your parents, cried for Gojo-Sensei, for Nobara, for Megumi…but most of all, for the loss of your lover–Yuta. 

This just was not fair, nothing was fair. 

Your eyes roamed the destruction outside of the medical room; sobs continued to escape your lips as you looked for at least a place to sit and calm yourself. None of this was fair. 

You continued to walk around the destroyed property of Jujutsu high, face red, eyes burning as you continued to cry, and, and cry. 

“It’s not fair..” You spoke to no one in particular as you fell to your knees under one of the many trees outside; one of the few that was not destroyed during Sukuna’s rampage. Your heart continued to beat, soft sobs leaving your lips as you stared down at the ground, hands gripping the ends of your uniform as you cried.

“Gojo-Sensei–” You cried out the name of your teacher as you looked up to the sky, eyes narrowed as if you were trying to curse your deceased instructor with just a look into the sky. “You should have just kept me there–at the asylum. I never wanted to ever get this attached to anybody again..Nobody.” You let out another pitiful sob as you wiped helplessly at your eyes, trying so hard to get rid of the oncoming rush of tears that just would not stop. 

“I want to kill him so bad..” Your bottom lip trembled as you let your hands drop to your lap, sobbing once more as you slammed your head back into the trunk of the tree. 

“Loving Yuta was the worst decision of my life…Loving you is ruining my life, Yuta!” You screamed up to the sky, face beet red as you continued to scream and cry at the realization that you truly lost the love of your life forever. 

There was absolutely nothing that Yuta could do to fix this–to come back and continue to love and protect you. 

His arms encircled your waist as he held you close in the vision of your memory; his warm breath tickling your neck as he pressed a kiss to it. “I’m so happy I finally have you now, Y/n..” He let out a shy chuckle. 

“I’m happy we both just finally found the courage to confess…I really missed you while you were gone, Yuta..” You let out a breathless giggle as he pressed another kiss to your neck, before moving to press one to your cheek, then your forehead–and finally your lips. 

“You have no idea how happy you make me..” 

“I feel like I finally have someone to live for.”

“I love you, Y/n.”

“I will never, ever leave you in this cursed world. I will forever protect you, okay?” 

I love you…

I love you..

I love you.

Yuta Okkotsu, forever loving you is ruining my life. 

Tag List:

@athensflower

@blendingcaramal

[sundrop-writes]

Shared Trauma

Sub!Gar Logan x Dom!Fem!Reader

Summary:

Gar had a very hard day. You know you can’t take away the pain, so you try your best to distract him from it instead.

Sub!Gar Logan x Dom!Fem!Reader. Friends to Lovers. Smut and Angst. Set during Season 1, Episode 7.

Word Count: 3,600

DC Titans Masterlist | AO3 Link

THIS IS A RE-POST. This is a fic from my old blog (a blog that was shadowbanned, forcing me to move). This fic is not stolen, it is completely mine, and I am just re-posting it to help people find my new blog, and to make my masterlist complete when I post new fics for this fandom.

Detailed warnings and author's notes below the cut.

Warnings: some emotional angst, mentions of trauma/PTSD - Gar kills someone for the first time and is very upset about it (as in the canon), friends to lovers, takes place during Season 1 Episode 7 (“Asylum”), descriptions of canon level violence, this is a smut fic, the reader character is implied to be fat, the reader character uses she/her pronouns and has a vagina, this isn’t a hard sub/dom relationship but there is sub/dom undertones, Gar is more submissive and the reader is more dominant, the reader calls Gar ‘good boy’ and he really likes it, tiddy sucking, p in v sex, unprotected sex, the reader rides Gar, creampie, quick/desperate sex. I believe that’s everything. Most of the focus here is on the emotional side of things and not the smut so if you wanna see more PWP, definitely let me know.

A/N: fic is titled after a Pierce The Veil song because I have been obsessed with the new album, and I think it really fits here. Having a trauma with someone, but it just draws you closer together and makes you seek comfort in them. I did consider making up a mission that wasn’t in the canon for this, but I am always drawn to how sad, wet, and pathetic he is after killing the scientist, especially if we’re doing sub!Gar - he seems especially subby and in need of comfort.

...

When you woke up alone, you weren’t entirely surprised. 

Of course you missed Gar’s presence beside you in bed. But you hadn’t exactly expected him to be sleeping peacefully after the day the two of you had. 

You and Gar were always the type of best friends to share a bed. Both of you sought the kind of comfort that could only come from cuddling close to the warm body of a safe person. Most often, you could only fall asleep beside each other. 

It had been that way since he had first been taken in by Doctor Caulder and he had come to you for comfort after he had woken up sorely missing his parents. On that first night, you had fallen asleep cradling him, and pretty much every night since then, the two of you shared a bed without question. 

The two of you were just intensely affectionate people, and you saw nothing wrong with expressing your friendship through those simple touches. It was just friendly, after all. 

The two of you always hugged each other tight and held hands while walking in public. There were many times when Gar put his arm around you or kissed you on the forehead, or times when you kissed him on the cheek. You weren’t shy about expressing your very platonic love for your best friend (at least, that’s what you had to tell yourself). 

The two of you weren’t romantically involved - you were just very close best friends. 

No matter what others thought when they looked at you, having those stereotypes in their minds about a guy and girl not being able to be ‘just friends’. Even if you wanted to play into that stereotype so badly with him - even if you wanted all of those people to be right. You would never risk ruining your friendship with him just because of some annoying crush. You were very good at keeping all of your stupid feelings trapped inside of your chest. 

Especially on days like this. When life got hardest, he needed you to be there more as a friend than anything else. And you needed him too. 

It was one of the reasons that he had gotten into bed with you that night, despite the fact that he scoffed at the very mention of trying to sleep. He wanted to be there for you. So you really weren’t surprised when you woke up and the bed was cold, void of his presence. Because of course, he couldn’t sleep. 

It had been a long, hectic, shitty day. 

After everything that had happened, you weren’t even really ‘sleeping’ yourself. 

You were drifting on the edge of consciousness, so exhausted from the day that your body was trying to forcibly knock you out. Between Kory and Dick screwing loudly on one side and Rachel and her birth mother chattering brightly and even crying on the other side, you had been having a very hard time falling asleep. That, and the horrors of the day still flashing through your mind. It made for a deadly cocktail that kept you awake. If not for the pure exhaustion of day’s events weighing you down - then you probably wouldn’t have closed your eyes at all. 

When you came back into a hard consciousness this time, though, you missed the feeling of Gar’s arm around your waist. You instantly missed the feeling of his pleasant warmth at your back - cradling you, making you feel safe. 

Before you even had your fully eyes open, you were out of bed yourself. It was almost an instinct, being so entirely drawn to him. You wandered out to the larger living space of the very expensive condo ‘safehouse’ with your socked feet on the cold floor. You clutched at your own arms under the loose sleeves of your oversized sleep shirt as goosebumps formed on your skin. 

You wondered in the back of your mind what the weather was like outside and if Dick had turned on the heat before going to bed. Then you had to wonder if adjusting the thermostat was even a concern in anyone’s mind after such a long day. It was probably only on your mind now that you were missing your human heater. 

You found Gar sitting on the couch. 

He had his oversized green headphones on, his phone screen providing the only real light in the room - aside from the everpresent glow of the city that leaked in from the tall glass panels that could be called walls in the ultra modern house. He was holding the screen inches away from his face as he slumped back against the unused couch. 

He was likely making an imprint of himself that would be the only ‘lived in’ essence of the overwhelming cold, expensive atmosphere of the place. From the sideways tilt of the screen and the way his thumbs were moving, you easily guessed that he was playing some kind of game. Something to distract his mind from the day’s events still playing there on repeat like a bad movie. 

He was wearing a pair of sweatpants that Dick had given him, dug out of a drawer of clothing that was apparently always kept in the place in case a need for it should come up. Just something else the ‘safehouse’ stocked, like food, medical supplies, and monetary currency from all different countries (because Bruce was rich and paranoid enough to be prepared for ‘any scenario’). 

Gar had paired the pants with one of your tee shirts. 

Something that was slightly big on him even with his natural muscle mass filling it out, bright tie-dye and worn-in cotton. It was purely you. Having the fabric draped over his body did make him feel at least somewhat at ease because it was soaked in your natural smell. It made him feel close to you even when he had gotten out of bed. 

He hadn’t wanted to bother you with his tossing and turning or the bright glowing light of his phone screen when he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep properly. 

He felt your presence in the room, but he didn’t look up until you crept further toward him, steering into his hazy peripheral view. He shrugged off the headphones as he looked up, locking eyes with you over the top of his phone. Your heart ached as you saw that expression so well illuminated by the sharp white light from the screen. He had the face of a kicked puppy, big wide eyes staring you down. Especially because he was making a clear effort not to let his mouth curl into a deep whimpering frown. 

You knew that the events of the day had been particularly hard on him. 

Of course, there was the obvious. The mental exhaustion and fear of being kidnapped and held hostage. The pulsating adrenaline of wondering if he was going to come out alive, on top of the worry he felt for you, Rachel, Dick, and Kory. The intense physical torture he had suffered at the hands of ‘scientists’ controlled by a doomsday cult. 

But on top of all of it, he had experienced something far worse. Something that you knew was far more taxing on his mind. 

He had killed someone for the first time. 

You feared that he was too gentle for killing. Even with the amazing power he wielded. 

Gar - someone who protested eating meat because he hated the idea of an animal being harmed for the sake of his nutrition. Gar - someone who always scooped up spiders and household pests to bring them outside because in his opinion, even the smallest of creatures deserve peace. 

You knew that he was someone who never planned on using his powers to truly harm anyone. 

But the moment the choice had been presented to him - to use his powers to harm someone, or to let you be harmed - it hadn’t really been a choice in his mind at all. 

You had been backed into a corner. You thought you had been clever, breaking out of the room they had locked you in with nothing more than an earring as a lockpick. But without a weapon and without a plan, Gar saw them threatening you and became blind with rage. 

Before he truly knew what was happening, he tasted flesh. 

A very large part of him didn’t regret it. He would choose your life over the life of someone unknown - someone who was going to hurt you - any day of the week. He knew that, if given the same choice, he would do it all over again. 

But there was another part inside of him that kept gnawing with guilt. Another part that said he was wrong, that said there should have been some other way. Something inside of him that said he was now just the villain in someone else’s story - that he wasn’t any better than the people who tried to hurt you in the first place. 

In a lot of ways, that voice said, he was worse than them. 

That voice made it difficult for him to sleep. 

“Can’t sleep?” You hummed out, approaching the couch to come and sit beside him. 

Gar did little more than shrug in response to the question. He didn’t want to admit the weakness aloud. He didn’t want to tell you that he was warring with guilt over something that the others - especially you - didn’t seem to struggle with. 

You both already knew the answer. It had been a hard day for him. Of course sleep was far beyond his grasp. 

In a silent, but comfortable exchange, Gar locked his phone and set it aside, entirely uncaring of saving his progress in the game while you sat down beside him. You slid onto the couch with your butt half nestled on top of his hip and your legs strung across his lap. He reached one arm in front of you, draping it over the thickness of your thighs. In a very natural move, he lazily wrapped his knuckles around your bare skin. 

Neither of you bothered to acknowledge your lack of pants - the fact that you were only wearing underwear with your oversized sleep shirt. You were so used to each other at this point that casual states of undress didn’t really need to be acknowledged. 

He drew mindless patterns into your skin with his thumb and slung his other arm over the back of the couch, bringing you into his lovely natural warmth. You laid your head onto his chest, easily cuddling into his side as you indulged in the familiarity. With his phone turned off, the darkness ruminating through the room was a silent cloak that enveloped the two of you. It made it much easier to fall into that routine of comfort that the two of you always embraced. 

You would explicitly deny that his touch on your bare skin felt like a deadly trail of needles erupting with fire - in the best way possible. Now was not the time for your lust to be breaking through. He was your best friend, and he was clearly in need of comfort. 

“I missed my human heater.” You mumbled out quietly, nuzzling into his side affectionately. 

He let out a hazy breath - some attempt at a laugh in response to your affectionate nickname for him. It was something he knew well about your friendship. You had a constantly chilly body, and he would always be there to warm you up with his blazen hot skin. Just another perk from his mutation - even when he got stuck out in the snow, he never ran cold. 

Now that you had acknowledged that wordless question (the reason you had gotten out of bed, why you couldn’t sleep), it was Gar’s turn to do the same. 

It hung in the air over his head and turned into a stony silence in the quiet, dark room that made each of his breaths seem particularly heavy beside your ear. It was a tension that built upon itself for a few moments. You weren’t going to ask, even though you had a feeling you virtually already knew the answer. You wondered if he was going to come out and admit it before you simply dragged him back to bed and forced him to stay there out of your own selfish need. 

But then he finally broke the silence by saying the words. 

“Whenever I close my eyes… I just keep seeing his face.” 

His words were tentative, a quiet whimper released into the room after being trapped in his chest for too long. Like electricity, shocking and impossible to avoid, you felt his pain surging through you. It caused your throat to clench painfully. You shifted slightly, turning so that you could get a better look at his face. Even in the dimness, the sad glassiness of his eyes practically glowed. 

“Gar,” 

You called out his name, your own voice giving away a depth of weakness that you held for him. Before you could help it, you were reaching up and cradling the side of his face with a cupped palm. Even though your hands were cool, the feeling was intensely comforting to him - just because it was you. He couldn’t help but lean into it, leaning on your hand as though it was the only thing in the world holding him up in that moment. When he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force some of that terrible guilt away, he accidentally forced the tears out and let them leak freely onto your hand. 

“Oh, baby.” You cooed out. 

You were entirely unsure why the nickname popped out. The sound of it on your own lips even surprised you. It was something you had never called him before. But he didn’t stop you, didn’t seem to find it unpleasant, so you continued. 

“You did what you had to do.” You told him with certainty. “You saved my life.” 

That was something infinitely valuable to him. But he wondered if somehow, he had diminished his own value in the process. 

More thick tears slipped down his face and you thumbed them away upon instinct. He swallowed thickly before he spoke again, though this time his words were heavily entrenched in those tears. 

“What if that man had a family?” Gar sniffled quietly. “What if-?” 

“Of course he had a family, Gar.” You quickly cut him off, knowing that his words were quickly spiraling into a deep, putrid guilt. 

That guilt was definitely something you felt the need to save him from. 

Upon hearing your words, he looked at you with sharp hurt in his eyes. Clearly, he had been expecting you to argue against his point, rather than confirm it. But you had a completely different line of thinking in mind.

“Everyone does.” You continued on. “Everyone has people who miss them. But you can’t waste your sympathy on some fictional family you’ve made up for the guy in your head. Having a family and being missed doesn’t give people the right to attack others and get away with it. The possibility of being missed doesn’t mean that people can go through life without seeing the consequences of their actions.” 

Gar let out a quiet huff. It was a sound of defeat - a signal saying that your words had punctured his surface, but hadn’t quite set in yet. 

When he didn’t say anything in reply, you continued. 

“You’re my family.” You told him firmly. 

You used the hold on his cheek to fully turn his head toward yours, and you gently angled into him so that your foreheads were pressed together. Gar closed his eyes and basked in the soothing feeling as you continued talking. 

“And I’m yours. And I really, truly don’t care about who lives or dies outside of us. I don’t care what happens as long as we’re safe. And we’re together.” 

You wanted to add on a verbal exception for the others - for Rachel, and Dick, and Kory, and likely Rachel’s mom just for her sake. An exception for the people who had quickly also become your family in the short time since you had met them. But you had a feeling that Gar knew about this exception in your mind without you having to voice it. 

Gar swallowed hard again, and this time you felt it bob harshly through him while pressed so closely together. You felt him let out a harsh breath before he spoke again. 

“I guess… I guess I’m just worried about what you think of me now.” He spoke the words so quietly, as if his fear even crept into voicing this. “I don’t want my favorite person in the world to be afraid of me. Or… to think I’m a bad person.” 

“I’m not afraid of you.” You quickly argued the point, a slight laughter on your lips at the mere thought of it - at the mention of being afraid of someone like him. 

Yes, he could turn into a giant green tiger, and yes, seeing him use that power to its full extent for the first time had been… jarring. But you would never be afraid of someone who cried during Pixar movies and said it was ‘inhumane’ to kill the animals in Minecraft for food. 

“I could never be afraid of you, Gar.” You easily added on. “You’re not a bad person. You’re such a good person. You’re so good. You’re such a good boy.” 

Those words struck a cord deep within his soul, and a whimper escaped his lips before he could stop it. 

“Say that again.” He told you, so pitifully that it almost sounded like begging. “Please?” 

“You’re such a good boy.” You repeated yourself, running your thumb along the soft skin of his cheek once again. “You’re a good boy, Gar.” 

In a moment, the air shifted. 

The magnetism between the two of you came to a fierce head, and the desperation, the vulnerability that the day’s events had brought forward morphed itself from pain and sadness into something the two of you knew well in the presence of each other - pure wanting. But this time, both of you were exhausted and completely lacking the energy to have any self control to hold it back. 

“Y/N-” 

He barely got out a whimper of your name before you pressed forward that extra inch, stealing his breath as you pressed your lips to his. It was a perfect moment - a beautiful culmination of everything you had ever wanted since meeting him. You definitely weren’t going to waste it. 

He moaned into the kiss and you echoed it back, gulping in breaths through your nose so you wouldn’t have to pull away from the soft cushion of his lips, not even for a moment. When he reached for a greedy grip on the back of your head, filthy and wanting, gently nibbling on your bottom lip - your instincts took over. You blindly swung a leg out, climbing over his waist, and he let out a sharp hiss at the feeling of your weight being planted in his lap. You were beautiful and whole as you sat down on top of him, a perfect reminder that this wasn’t just a dream as his cock quickly swelled to life under the heat of your core where it brushed against his borrowed pants. 

“Please-” He whimpered into your mouth, barely able to get the word out before you sucked his bottom lip into your mouth, making him moan out shakily in the most beautiful way. 

You planted your hands on his shoulders, easily taking control of the situation - not that he cared. He felt like he belonged under your controlling grip, under the pleasant weight of your body as his hard cock throbbed underneath your perfect weight. In a blur of heady kisses, swapping breath with the only man you had ever wanted like this, you got your underwear off and got his pants around his ankles. He shoved your shirt up over your breasts to possessively latch onto one of them with his mouth as you reached down and lined up his pulsing cock with your wet, wanting cunt. 

“Oh-” 

He let out another beautifully pathetic whimper as you sunk down onto him in one smooth movement. Your tight, wet heat quickly surrounded him and made his head spin. You felt so full that it almost choked you, but the hot pangs of electricity that shot up through your pussy easily spurred you on. You wasted no time before you began a brutal pace, bouncing on his lap as if he was nothing more than a toy for your own pleasure. The slap of skin on skin was irritably loud in the otherwise silent room, accompanied only by Gar’s harsh, animalistic pants and your choked-off moans as you struggled to comprehend the fullness of his nearly overwhelming cock. 

You both needed it. You needed the intense sting of pleasure to push out the worries of the day. 

With Gar’s hands gripping at your waist as if you might slip away at any moment and his face buried in your breasts, you almost didn’t hear the quiet murmur of his request when he managed to get the words out beyond that blinding pleasure. 

“Say it again,” He choked out past his harsh breaths. “Please!” 

It took your cock-drunk brain a moment to comprehend it, but when the gears fully churned, you instantly knew what he meant. 

“You’re a good boy,” 

You moaned out, reaching a hand up to pet through his hair. You took a fierce grip on those green locks, never once faltering in the harsh, unforgiving rhythm of your hips as you continued to piston yourself up and down on his cock. 

“You’re a good boy, Gar.” 

“Oh - fuck!” Gar grunted into your chest. 

At the sound of your voice saying this, declaring that he was a good boy - he abruptly came inside you.

[maxwell-grant]

Thoughts on the master of fear, Scarecrow? Also, fave design, he has so many good ones (second BTAS, his trading card one, mistress of fear, Gaslight,, fear for sale, the Arkham Games etc)?

Hey so, do any of you remember Batman Live? It was this really fun, extravagant stage show that touched on a lot of Batman hallmarks and was generally a really fun time as far as I recall. I went to the São Paulo premiere with my family, and I was a little too young to really recall most of it now, but some things I definitely remember like the huge Joker hot air balloon made of performers in bodypaint, or the comedy sequences in the Iceberg Lounge. The one thing that stuck with me the most was when the Scarecrow showed up. Batman goes to Arkham Asylum and the entire comedy camp tone drops dead, as he walks in and finds all these bodies in straightjackets hanging from chains, and the doors open as The Scarecrow walks towards him in stilts, summoning loud smoke eruptions that are poisoning and weakening Batman as he leers over him. That part actually did scare me as a kid, and it was probably the first time I had any kind of feelings on Scarecrow imprinted in me.

I was introduced to The Scarecrow as this uniquely horrifying villain who could terrify through presentation alone. I didn't particularly understand what the fear gas was, I was too taken with that ungainly thing up there with the stilts and all those people turned into cadaverous decorations, lurking from the endless halls of the asylum, who towered over everyone and placed Batman into a writhing breakdown with a few gestures, and never appeared again until the cast roll, completely absent from the rogues gatherings after. Granted, of course that's because the stilts prevented him from joining the fight scenes, but that helped to reinforce his mystery. He wasn't someone Batman was going to punch back, no no, the Scarecrow simply vanished as soon as he was done with disarming Batman, and you'd just have to pray for that unfathomable creep to never show up again.

And I'd say this might be part of why I've never been too big on the fear gas, in part because I was first enraptured by a version of The Scarecrow who clearly didn't need it that much, or at least, could do much more besides it. The Scarecrow is, I'd say actually one of my top 10 DC characters, half of that on the basis of his designs, but he's a character who tends to really, really struggle under a lack of cohesion and being subordinate to his gimmick, much more so than the other rogues. The fear gas is a good gimmick, but it is just that, a gimmick, and one that's usually reliant on how far can the story push the horror and the visuals to at least make it effectively scary for us, otherwise it gets incredibly boring very fast, and it's not even a gimmick exclusive to him since so many other characters have similar mind control/illusion abilities/gadgetry at hand (and to say nothing of Hugo Strange, who first used fear gas and who quite frankly kicks the Scarecrow's ass in terms of quality storylines, although Hugo does that to most of the other Batman villains too)

The Scarecrow has become the go-to character for hallucination sequences / revisiting character traumas, which frequently makes him less of a character and more so a convenient plot device, a problem heightened by the larger issue here that is his inconsistent motivation, or lack thereof. He lacks the kind of "breakout" stories that his fellow major Batman villains have had that usually cement an ongoing characterization, and his most famous/celebrated appearences in mass media don't really do much to combat the assertion that he is shallow and weak and whose only asset is the gas (namely, his boss fights in Arkham Asylum, which are all about the fear gas hallucination scares, and his role in Nolan's Batman, which is very fun, but also purposefully plays him up for ridicule and lack of depth next to the other villains)

These days, the Scarecrow is a tedious pip-squeak. His schemes lack verve, his cruelties stir little in the way of frissons. Haunted by cliché to an even greater extent than the other rogues, he’s often brought low with a single sock to the jaw delivered by Batman, or by finding himself on the receiving end of his own fear-inducing concoctions. He often acts as a pawn in the hands of bigger, badder third parties. He’s ostensibly a stand-in for the figure of the reductive, smug and hypocritical psychologist, nicely bundled up for the audience to humiliate in effigy - TheMindlessOnes's rogue review for Scarecrow

In "Nothing to Fear" it is explained that Jonathan Crane has always had this "thing" for scaring people. (Just as Snidely Whiplash had his "thing" for tying women to railroad tracks, I suppose.) But this is a wan kind of motive. One senses sadly that the real motive for the Scarecrow's behavior lies in the writer's need for someone to do something reprehensible. At the root of the matter may be a difficulty in sorting out the Scarecrow's ends from his means, with a consequent confusion between the goals the Scarecrow intends to reach and the tactics he employs in reaching them.

As a psychologist specializing in phobic disorders, Crane knows how to induce fear and trembling in his victims. But this tells us nothing about what the Scarecrow wants to accomplish. And without a sense or statement of what those goals are, the writer will be tempted to substitute means for end and make the Scarecrow's goal simply the scaring of people. Usually his actions are woefully underexplained - Dreams in Darkness' review by Toonzone

You might think that I'd be advocating for the Scarecrow, then, to disregard a need for a motivation and become as unknowable and horrific as possible, to recapture the awe I felt at his Batman Live self, but no, not at all. For one, I don't think the best version of anything is necessarily the one that made the most impact on me as a kid. Two, there have been some attempts over the years to remove Scarecrow from the toxin or seriously amp him up as a threat, and frankly, most of those have only made the character dramatically worse and more boring (I don't remember the name, but there was a Batman story a while ago where he goes on a big scary killing spree with no toxin just to prove he can and it was fucking terrible). Three, and the big one here, is that this pretty much forces you to get rid of Dr. Jonathan Crane, and I think that does a disservice to the character's potential. I think that's giving up on trying to make him work as a character and I don't think you have to do that.

My preferred characterization for Crane is one that emphasizes his nature as a scholar turned supervillain. The cold and misanthropic and neurotic nerd professor who spent most of his salary on books and took to terrorizing the city as a costumed criminal in part because he wanted money to buy more books. Who takes off the costume mid-crime spree to school his henchmen on specifics of brain chemistry, who gets revenge on those that wrong his students or even employs them as henchmen, still the same guy who thinks there's nothing wrong with firing a loaded gun in a packed classroom as a demonstration. Far less interested in human connections than he is in human reactions, things that can surprise him or that he can catalogue or research or write about. Someone who's not a sadist for sadism's sake, but who doesn't really see you as a person so much as he sees a test subject. I like Crane as a snarky humorous heel who thinks of himself as amoral and mature while doing horribly immoral and childish things, the Herbert West or Rusty Venture of Batman villains (James Urbaniak is definitely the voice I'd pick for him).

My preferred kind of motivation for him is something along the lines of how he's portrayed in most of Kings of Fear, where he puts Batman through the wringer in part as an attempt to get to him and cure him once and for all, or issues #4-5 of The Batman Adventures where he induces city-wide illiteracy in part as a protest against the city's failing education. In Gothtopia he makes all of Gotham hallucinate their perfect ideal lives, eliminating the crime rate but causing the suicide rate to spike up in return, and yes it does turn out to be the set-up for a really generic "fear gas everyone with blimps and make everyone twice as scared" pay off when his involvement is revealed, but I always thought Scarecrow being able and willing to do that, to create these huge and even benevolent-seeming social experiments, as an idea with legs. Fear State was frustratingly halfway there, with the initial set-up of Scarecrow pursuing a theory for fear-based social upheaval, but on top of not being very good, it also wound up that he was just doing the same old thing again and had Batman call him out as someone who just wanted to gas the city and make everyone scared again and never changes and does anything different, which seemed like Tynion defeating his own purpose of trying to make a defining Scarecrow story and address his lack of one, completely failing to address the why the character has that kind of problem and upending itself for meta commentary before doing anything interesting.

Even Kings of Fear, easily the best Scarecrow story of the past decades if not outright ever, kinda ends in a bit of a cop-out where The Scarecrow has to be wrong ("Even when he's telling the truth, he's lying, and even when he's right, he's wrong", Gordon tells Batman to reassure him, to nullify the past 5 issues criticizing and tearing into Batman from every angle imaginable), and he has to be a sadist who just wanted to fuck with Batman and uncover his worst fears because it's what he does. Why does Scarecrow want to unravel people and wrench their worst fears into the surface? Because he's a sadist who gets off on it? I guess that's the canon answer most of the time, but it's such a boring, weak one. Because he wants revenge on the world / bullies? Still weak, done better by other villains even. Because of an unspeakably traumatic childhood that taught him the world was ruled by fear and therefore driving him to become it's master? Okay, but it still doesn't actually answer what he wants to get out of doing what he does.

We know that Jonathan Crane was a fragile youth routinely terrorized and abused by others and plainly traumatized by his experiences. We know that he is learned and brilliant and given to introspection and fantasy.

From this base it is not hard to imagine Crane turning into a man fiercely devoted to solitude and study and capable of a murderous rage when his privacy is violated. It is possible, in other words, to imagine him as a reactive force, in the mold of Freeze, systematically terrorizing and destroying anyone who crosses him but rarely wanting to start trouble himself.

Or we can imagine him as a mercenary, a specialist hired by others for nefarious purposes, but who is not himself strongly motivated by particular rages or desires.

But if the Scarecrow is going to remain a sadist and a sadist only—if he is going to be moved only by the psychotic desire to harm others—we ought to be made to feel the seductive power that sadism has over its practitioners; we should be made to feel and appreciate the hot and sour joy that comes from the purposeful humiliation of another - Dreams in Darkness review by Toonzone

It's kind of a frustrating pattern in a lot of his stories where he gives a reason for doing something, and it turns out to be a cover for yet another sadistic fear gas attack, but his cover reason was a more interesting motivation for him than what he actually was going for. A villain who mainly just gets a kick out of hurting people and concocts bullshit excuses and reasons to justify said hurting? The Joker does that already, but the Joker always clearly states what he wants and has all those ways to make cruelty for cruelty's sake entertaining. If that's all The Scarecrow is also, no wonder he's going to be so incredibly lacking most of the time (nevermind the fact that he's never going to be the guy most infamous for gassing Gotham City).

Yes, he may be sadistic and cruel, he may enjoy what he does too much, and maybe there really isn't any kind of realistic explanation as to why a man would dress up as a scarecrow to commit terrorism and spray innocent people with chemicals to make them terrified, but refer to the guy he's fighting. "Realistic" is the wrong term. The issue here is less "why" the Scarecrow does what he does, and more what is he hoping to get out of it. Granted, this is less of a concern if you're playing The Scarecrow as a figure of horror, someone who's not even really human underneath that outfit. But I think that locks away much of his versatility. The Scarecrow needs Jonathan Crane, and I think there's good stuff to like about that awful man.

I like Jonathan Crane the sardonic pragmatic scientist who still embraces his hopelessly ridiculous life, a guy who's not nearly as above it all as he'd like to be and has wants and needs moreso than he really likes to admit. I like him as a book lover, as a fan of horror, I like him as the kind of guy who'd send fan mail to Elvira and break out of Arkham just to catch a Halloween parade and guest star in a Scooby-Doo movie for a change. I like him as someone who'd have a decent working relationship with the other rogues and pal with the Legion of Doom and get into a physical spat with Riddler over a chess game. Someone who custom-makes his own outfits and equipment, who makes scythes out of animal bones to fight Batman with, who picked the scarecrow motif in part because it was a term of derision his colleagues used on him.

Who pours himself over his research as he records his theories in a tape recorder, the kind of guy who grouses at having to clean another cell because he's getting annoyed at his test subjects killing themselves, seriously guys the cleaning supplies for this batch were as fresh as they could be, and the iguana amygdalas I used should be stopping your neocortexes from overreacting this strongly. Subject #3 over there got over his fear of centipedes yesterday and he hasn't screamed all morning, I'm gonna need the rest of you to stop being such babies, okay?

It must be terribly liberating for Crane, to transcend mere ugliness and become inhuman. Of all the rogues, he’s easily the one who takes Batman’s “I need a disguise; I shall become a beast of the night” schtick and runs with it the farthest - TheMindlessOnes's rogue review for Scarecrow

And that's for Jonathan Crane, man of science. The Scarecrow, however, is not science, he is unreason incarnate, and to me what most makes The Scarecrow work as a Batman villain has nothing to do with "they both use fear as a weapon", I always thought that was a bit shallow of an angle to pursue (most, if not all, the villains rely on fear, it comes with the whole "crime" thing). The two have a stronger connection via the costume, the theatricality, the becoming a creature of the night angle. None of the other major Batman villains are going into their costumes the way The Scarecrow is. They have their personas and varying degrees of division between them and their "real selves", but few of them are wearing outright identity-separating Halloween Monster Costumes with separate names and personalities they can dip in and out of at their convenience.

And I'm gonna interrupt myself to answer your second question. I couldn't pick just one design, so counting the Batman Live one above, I picked 10. These are not in order and they're not necessarily how I'd design him, I'd say my actual favorite Scarecrow designs are fan-made, but if I was going to pick out of "official" material these are the ones I'd go for. It's time for:

(Left-to-right: George Pratt's Scarecrow pin-up, Phil Jimenez's Scarecrow design, Ed Natividad's concept art for Suicide Squad)

(Left-to-right: His TNBA design by Bruce Timm as drawn by Luciano Vecchio, Alex Ross's design for Justice, and Tim Sale's Scarecrow)

(Left-to-right: Kelley Jones' design for Kings of Fear, Jeremy Raapack's design for Legends of the Dark Knight #25, Scarecrow's design in Happy Halloween, Scooby-Doo!)

*cough*, anyway: Most of the other rogues with their signature suits or masks or body distortions don't tend to have closets full of different variant Batsuits and scarecrow costumes to choose and devote to their cause and ideal, that they sit at night tailoring on how to make scarier or more loaded with weapons, that they might even have conversations with, things that sit in their closets waiting because both of these brilliant men, men who have (or at least had) different civilian lives, men who could stop doing this at any time, who both decided that becoming a Halloween monster prowling the streets to inflict terror is a necessary, even productive use of their time.

And I think that's the key word I want to end here, productive. I think The Scarecrow needs to be more productive. Because even if he's not aware of it, he is achieving progress via his research, and there is one way he's proved his ideas: Batman walks out of every fight they have stronger. Every encounter they have is a test that Batman resists and walks out of more able to cope with his own traumas, or at least, better able to resist them being weaponized against him. I always wanted to explore the idea that Crane is genuinely convinced he's doing people a favor or at least achieving something via all these horrible Scarecrow campaigns, and one thing he has achieved is that Batman is never not prepared for chemical attacks or assaults on his mind, Batman resists ungodly trials of willpower and determination and courage, in part because he has to deal with the Scarecrow pumping terror juice in his brain semi-regularly.

The fact that Crane loses and gets beaten up and has to retry schemes again and again and kill people and join the costume parade just to lure Batman is fairly inconsequential to him, so long as it gets results. He's not interested in dissecting Batman's brain or being more like Batman, that's Hugo Strange's thing. Hugo Strange needs Batman to be fearless, allmighty and perfect, where as Jonathan Crane wants nothing more than to unearth and study the fears and kinks in the armor, the dead last thing he wants is a perfect man. Hugo Strange wants to crawl naked into the mask of the great and terrible fascist and never come out, where as The Scarecrow wants to crack open all the masks in the world and feast luridly on whatever seeps out.

Batman isn't just the ultimate trial against his fear-ruled worldview (or even affirmation), and he isn't just a breakthrough waiting to happen: he might be his greatest success as of yet. A case study on the success of exposure therapy, proof of potential medicinal applications for his formula, the greatest guinea pig of all time because he won't die no matter what you pump into him, you name it. So what if all those other people couldn't stomach the procedure, so what if those precious innocents are too weak and stupid and useless to not get in the way of research, it's clearly worked wonders for those who could take it.

And if the future belongs to men like Batman, if all of these superheroes and supervillains are the way things are going to be like forever, if the future is Bat-shaped and as vast and uncertain and horrible as the forces shaping it, the future needs to be prepared. The future needs to grapple with it's past and face it's greatest horrors and become stronger for it. There is no such thing as overcoming fear, there is only living with it, embracing it, bowing to the primordial instinct that knows the answer before you do. Mankind grew and developed it's intelligence and tools out of fear, fear of the bigger predators out there, fear of the other cavemen, fear of starvation and death and everything they couldn't understand and master until they learned to fear it. What better knowledge to pass along than fear? And who is better qualified to teach about fear?

Maybe Crane isn't just another monster with a grudge, maybe he isn't another costumed revenge killer, maybe he isn't just a power-tripping sadist bully out to torment others because he can, and maybe he isn't a hopeless traumatized madman who destroyed his professional and personal life in a monstrous quest to satisfy an obsession ruling his soul.

Maybe he is a sane response to an insane situation. Ever heard that one before?

[pip-n-chips]

People who are supposed to heal you being the ones to do harm is so incredibly hot, okay? Yes, this is about Harper.

Harper's always so put together, and it's not surprising. He's been doing this for a long time, he's gotta be. But it can't last forever, and I want to see this man snap, lose his composure, break down. I want him to drop the nice doctor act and take what he thinks he deserves. (He sure as hell has the power to!) You know that one scene that occurs before you leave the asylum? Where you get better and he wants sex before you go? Have you ever declined his advances (or fought him off)?

Yeah. I think about it A Lot, that manipulative little shit-

He shows ANGER and it's not for that long, but it's there! Also, drawing inspiration from inkyquince's post from earlier for a sec, I bet he feels SO disrespected. He's done so much for you! He's helped you manage (or ignore) your trauma, you're more promiscuous because of him, and you won't even let him get some of the action? Not even as a thank you? What's stopping him from just undoing all that hard work, then? If you're not going to be fucking grateful?

(He needs your trust he needs your trust he needs your trust he needs your tru-

Fuck. Right. He needs you to trust him, so you'll keep seeing him. But what if he didn't need you to, though? He'll just find a way to get you landed in the asylum again, so you'll have no choice but to see him. Solid plan!)

Anyway, the next bit is probably out of character but that's kind of the point?

I'm thinking about him slamming you back down on the desk after you tell him no, and he doesn't even bother to hypnotize or drug you because he has no fucking patience for that. The doors are locked and his office is soundproof (recent installment, actually! and even if it weren't, the orderlies are instructed to turn their heads) so you can fight and scream all you'd like, but no one is going to come help you. Only him! He knows how much you need this, and so does he, so quit fighting--

Also thinking about after the fact, when you're in pain and covered in bruises he inflicted. He'll become all sweet again, fixing up the damage you caused (yes, you. you didn't have to fight so hard, you could have just been compliant. doctor knows best, not you) and- oh, look at that, you're traumatized again. Guess he'll have to cancel your pick up, keep you for another week. It'll do you good.

[crazyvaleska]

Listen To Me | Jerome Valeska x GN! Reader

summary: you are jerome's psychiatrist at arkham asylum and after years of treating him he opens up about his childhood trauma

genre: angst

word count: 8479 (it's a long one folks! so get comfortable and grab ur popcorn & blanket! and tissues.)

warnings: cursing, self harm, mention of sexual assault & domestic abuse, mention of death & suicide, just a lot of angst in general. read at your own risk, you've been warned.

a/n: i started writing this back in august 2022 and finished it just now. been adding small paragraphs to this story every now&then. some paragraphs were written days apart while others were written weeks apart. i'm writing this bc i feel like there aren't many angsty stories with jerome. imo jerome isn't evil but broken. also having read his diary added up a lot to his character as it's pretty depressing. perhaps everyone has a different version of a certain character. here's my version of jerome.

also i got a tiny bit inspired by the harleen graphic novel and the joker movie for this !!

the playlist i was listening to while writing this: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5E2lk49zurRTAaHq3Nz7FQ?si=7TQxYHDsQ0ypPYkIvlLCpw&utm_source=copy-link

jerome's thoughts are written like this btw!

enjoy! (or don't.)

A huge amount of people would say it is impossible to become a psychiatrist at 18. That must mean they've never been to Gotham City. Here anything is possible. Therefore, you had just graduated medical highschool when you were offered a job at Arkham Asylum and you had no choice but to take it. You were aware of the risks of working in a place surrounded by criminally insane lunatics, but you didn't really have another option. You needed a job. Besides, taking risks never ever scared you. Though many viewed Arkham as a spooky place, to you it was interesting. Treating mentally unwell criminals was challenging because you liked helping people, no matter who they were.

What you didn't know was that one of the patients you would have to treat was none other than the infamous Jerome Valeska himself, probably one of the most demented and wicked being Gotham City had ever know.

Yet, you thought his character was rather fascinating. After all, you had known Jerome for years.

Jerome Valeska. How do you even begin to explain Jerome Valeska?

You first met him right after he killed his mother, the first time he was in prison. Before he died. Before he was an infamous murderer. And you had to admit, he did become more intimidating as years passed by.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about him at first, same old story about the son committing matricide. Though, he never told you the entire story. You noticed he was uncomfortable and you didn't want to push, everybody had their boundaries and you respected that.

If you had to describe in one word the way he was acting in his firsts therapy sessions, you would use the word "flirty". Sort of. A mix of charisma and inappropriate jokes.

He told you he didn't plan on killing anyone else, claiming that the murdering of his mother was something personal. For some reason, you chose to believe him. Until Theo Galavan happened. It was like the Jerome you once knew had completely vanished. He was the same and a different person at the same time. You almost felt sorry for him. But then again, you weren't supposed to get attached to your patients. Jerome was charming and all, but he probably didn't feel the same way you did. He was just a kid after all, and so were you. Both 18. The only difference was, you were trying to cure insanity while he was trying to spread it.

A few days later he died. Actually, was murdered. Poor thing, you thought. You wished you had more time to know him. You wished you could've helped him. You knew small parts about him but not his entire story.

You had hoped you would forget him as time flew by, but you didn't. His evil crackle never left your dreams. It was always there. You could hear it all the time, as if he was trying to reach you. It was torturing you. Yet pleasant at the same time. You missed him, truth be told. But you knew he was in a better place now. Or so you thought.

That was until he was resurrected. Being honest, you weren't exactly surprised. This was Gotham City, after all. Everything was possible in Gotham. The actual shock was seeing him faceless and unconscious. You wondered how much strength does one require in order to be able to staple their face without passing out. Jerome's pain tolerance was so high, it concerned you.

By the time the ginger maniac was sent back to the Asylum, his face had been attached back to its place. He was hideously scarred now, wearing a permanent disturbingly bright smile. Although, to you he looked fine. Somehow attractive. You weren't sure why. Maybe it was simply your questionable taste in men. At the same time, he was much more intimidating now, much more grown. And as a result to him dying by being stabbed in the throat, his voice had also changed. It sounded more threatening now.

"It's good to have you back, Jerome!" you said in his first therapy appointment of the year, a warm, kind smile on painted on your lips.

His reply came out natural, "Well, at least someone missed me." but his face was expressionless and emotionless, and his voice numb, as if he had lost his spark.

To most, he was simply just out of his mind, a low-life criminal, but you felt there was more than that. You desperately wanted to know what made him the way he was, what made him turn to a life of crime, because you knew no one was born evil, not even in a city like Gotham (though he wasn't born in Gotham) it was usually the environment that could cause one's insanity. And you could see it in his eyes: he wasn't born bad. He was shaped evil, but not born evil. But then again, anyone could go insane with just one bad day.

Jerome was very charismatic, he could get anyone do whatever he wanted. Nevertheless, he was an amazing liar, you couldn't ever tell when he was speaking the truth and when he wasn't. He didn't seem to care about the way others felt and showed lack of remorse, he was impulsive and manipulative, deceitful and reckless. He was extremely narcissistic and showed lack of empathy towards others, and you had diagnosed him with Psychopathy Cluster B Personality Disorders and Schizophrenia. The ginger was on different medications. Sometimes he didn't take them, other times he did and not only his, but others' as well . You had told him multiple times how that was no good for him, but he never listened.

The thing about Jerome was, you never knew what he would be like in your therapy sessions. Sometimes you felt like you knew Jerome, but did you really? Oftentimes his behavior was passive aggressive, other times he would crack up jokes and you actually enjoyed his company, getting lost into his mesmerizing hazel eyes, as if you two were actually friends. Most of the times he just stayed quiet though, especially if you mentioned his family. Sure, he had no problem talking about killing innocents but once you switched the subject to the murdering of his mom, for example, he would tilt his head and pretend he didn't hear you or just say the same old story about her being mean, but you suspected it wasn't just that, you could see it in his eyes that part of him was still... hurt? His eyes spoke volumes. Although he always tried to hide it by pretending to be a God, deep down he hated himself. But of course he didn't want anyone else to know that, he didn't want to be seen as weak. Not anymore. He knew better than that. You noticed this thing about Jerome, he tried to act unbothered all the time but he always did this head tilting thing whenever he felt uncomfortable. Sure, Jerome was always surrounded by people, mostly his followers, but being around people doesn't mean you actually trust them. And you couldn't blame him for having trust issues considering he was stabbed to death by the only person he ever trusted. You could only imagine the feeling of betrayal he felt. That must have been traumatizing, but he had never ever addressed it.

One rainy Thursday the young Valeska told you he was upset because there wasn't any pudding left at the cafeteria. So the following day, Friday, you came up with an idea that could get you killed, but it was worth a try.

It was getting dark, your shift was over and you were supposed to go home. But instead of heading towards the Asylum's exit you found yourself walking towards its core, towards one certain inmate's cell, inmate E-146's cell: Jerome's cell. You would be lying if you said you weren't nervous, because you were. You didn't have anything to defend yourself on you. If anything, you were aware you were walking towards something that could be mean your sudden death.

You did have to pay bribe to the prison wardens that guarded his cell. They warned you about the homicidal redhead, but you liked to believe you weren't scared of him. To you, Jerome wasn't scary-looking. What really scared you was his mind. You had read his criminal record thus you knew what he was capable of. Even though you tried to tell yourself he won't hurt you, truth was you had no idea what he'd do or say, he was unpredictable.

First time you stepped foot in his cell was an experience you weren't going to forget anytime soon. The room was smaller than you though it would be. Not that you were expecting any kind of luxury. But this was worse than anything you had ever imagined. The first thing you noticed was the extremely low temperature, it was bone-chilling. No wonder why Jerome sounded sick all the time. Four gray walls and a dark ceiling that looked like it could collapse over you at any given moment. A bed for one person that was placed next to a prison porthole and near it a small, cheap table with an old chair in front of it. The smell wasn't very welcoming either, you thought rats were the only thing missing from the picture.

Jerome didn't notice you initially, he was busy writing in something that appeared to be a notebook. You cleared your throat loudly, which made him jump. You caught him off guard, quite literally. He looked equally shocked and confused to see you.

"Whatcha doing here, doc?" the redhead asked as he sat up. He placed the pencil down and closed his book, then took small steps closer to you. Only now that you were both standing up at the same time you noticed how tall he actually was. In the therapy room, his arms were always folded together in a shinny white straightjacket that prevented him from harming the doctor before him. You had actually never seen Jerome with his arms free so close to you before. He was wearing his stripped prison uniform instead of that tight straightjacket and you could tell he was way more muscular than you thought, his hands were enormous, he could knock you out in a second. His looks should've alarmed you but for some reason they didn't. Actually, you were happy to see his body looked healthy. Everybody said he looked like a nightmare, but to you he was the opposite. You shook your head quickly trying not to think of that or anything potentially inappropriate.

You hitched your breath nervously as you took a few steps back. "I told you already, you can call me Y/N... Uh, yesterday you said there wasn't any pudding left for you so I thought I would...um ... I... well," you stuttered while searching for something in your bag. The man raised an eyebrow but stayed silent. You reached your hand out, holding a bowl of chocolate pudding, "I-I... I made it myself! And I paid the guards to leave..." you said in a low murmur.

The unsurety in your voice didn't go unnoticed and it made Jerome grin. He walked even closer to you and crossed his arms while nodding, "That's so brave of you, Y/N! But you do realize I could poke your eyeballs out and squash you like a bug right about.... now!" he hissed. The next thing you felt was your chin being lifted up by his gloved hand, holding it in a tight grip, forcing you to face him. You avoided looking directly into his eyes so you just stared at his hand. Unfortunately for you, that seemed to bother him, "My eyes are up here," he used his free hand to point at his eyes.

The fabric of his white glove was soft but his touch was aggressive and harsh, the clutch on your chin was hard, "... I just... I just came here to give you this, nothing more." At first, Jerome was very sceptical, not believing any of it. He even thought the pudding was poisoned and insisted on you having a try before he did. The rest was history.

That happened approximately one year prior. You had spent the last 12 months seeing Jerome 2 times a week: one time during his therapy appointments every Thursday, the other time every Friday night, when most of the Asylum's staff had gone home. You had stolen they keys to his prison cell and no one knew about your late at night meetings with the clown prince.

The first times everything was pretty awkward, Jerome used to search your bag and pockets for any sharp objects that you could potentially use against him. But with time he stopped doing that. Approximately after 6 months.

You mostly brought him food, especially sweets, Jerome loved candies but he wasn't allowed to eat those in prison. Sometimes you even played cards with him and he would win every game, the boy knew how to play the jokers, that's certain. He did make inappropriate jokes from time to time, but nothing that made you too uncomfortable. He never touched you or anything like that. Everything stayed platonic.

One time you attached a colorful self-made bracelet to his wrist. You had a similar one on yours. Jerome pretend he didn't like it, telling you that friendship jewels were a waste, but truth be told, he liked it, he wore it all the time, he liked playing with it beads. Of course, he made sure it stayed hidden underneath his sleeve. He didn't want anyone else to see him like that. He had a reputation to uphold. Thus sometimes he would threaten your life in a playful manner just because he was Jerome Valeska.

You had also noticed the ginger was great at arts and crafts so you brought him crayons. Lots of them. The previous week you even brought him a scissors after he had begged you to for weeks. He promised he wasn't going to hurt other prisoners with it. He was using those to draw and decorate his diary. You knew he had a personal journal that he had never showed you. But you were cool with that. Though you wished he could open up to you, you didn't want to push, you wanted him to talk to you because he wanted to, not because he had to. All you knew was that you desperately wanted to help him get better. You didn't feel that way about other patients. Obviously, you wanted to help them too, but with Jerome it was different. Not that you would ever admit it out loud, but you had grown some sort of crush on the maniac. You knew how wrong that was, but you couldn't help the way he made you feel everytime his eyes met yours or when he smiled at you. You came to the realization that Jerome wasn't half as bad unless he was surrounded by other loonies or by people he despised. He was quite chill aside from his maniacally laughter.

Although Jerome didn't own a watch, he simply knew what time you were supposed to show up. In fact, he had actually grown to like your little visits. At first he found all of this annoying and irritating, but with time he changed his mind. You weren't so bad after all. Actually, he was waiting impatiently each of your visits. You were nice to him. Not a lot of people were nice to him. Nobody, actually. Just you.

Therefore you being late one certain night didn't go unnoticed. Strange, Jerome thought at first. You had never been late before. Was this all? Did you spend all that time with him only to leave him like that? Did you replace him with another patient? Did you get bored of him? Did something bad happen to you, perhaps?

Jerome shook his head. He didn't like to picture you dead. Why was that? He loved everything about death and killing, blood and gore. Why did it bother him now? He promised himself he wouldn't get attached. No, no, Jerome Valeska didn't give a shit about anyone. He was heartless. A monster. Everybody said so, so then it must be true. So what if you died? Who cared? Not him, that's for sure. Yeah.

But then, why had he been walking circles in his small cell for minutes? Why was he breathing heavier and why did he have an awful gut feeling? And now how did he find himself in this position again? Sitting on his bed, facing the wall with teary eyes, clinching his fists anxiously and twiddling his trembling thumbs. There were drops of dark red blood on his already dirty mattress. Drops of blood between the beads of his bracelet. When did that happen? He could vividly remember when he started pressing the scissors down his wrist. It all happened so fast. He didn't even apply much pressure and yet he had managed to draw enough blood to cover his fingertips. How did he end up like this? Like a sobbing mess. Why did you do this to him? Why did you give him hope? He should've known better. Humans are deceitful beings. They lie and they never keep their promises. One day they love you, the next they don't need you anymore. So he really didn't learn anything from trusting Theo Galavan after all. He remembered it as clear as day. He thought he could finally be happy when Theo came along, gave him a proper bed and proper clothes. He was like the father he never had. But then his life flashed before his eyes as he dropped dead by the hand of the one man he thought was trustworthy.

Oh, dear ol' Jerome. Getting attached to the first person to treat him like a normal human being again. So all those times you took care of him were all on act. Of course. Why was he so stupid? Stupid enough to think anyone would ever care about him. Of course it was all a lie. He hated you. This was pathetic. Everyone was pathetic. Crying was pathetic. Crying was for the weak. Jerome wasn't weak. Not anymore. But what if, perhaps, you weren't even real? What if he had been imagining you the whole time? After all, it was all too good to be true. But maybe that's just the way life is: it hits you harder than a train truck, then you feel good for a while because you start doing things that distract you from how you truly feel, killings in his case. But then you realize you weren't ever really happy, just delusional and that makes you depressed again. It's like a never ending loop.

The boy shivered at his own thoughts. So many questions at the same time. His mind was suffocating him. But he liked it, didn't he? Or maybe did he just trick himself into thinking he liked it? He liked being sick, right? Who was he without his sickness? Pills. He needed more pills. The pills were never enough. If only he had enough pills to...

His train of thoughts was interrupted by the very familiar sound of his creaky door being unlocked then opened. Jerome knew this could mean one thing. He quickly wiped his teary eyes with his knuckles then clothed his fingers with his gloves. He cleared his throat, "Where were you?" he asked, his voice harsher than ever. He didn't want you to see him vulnerable. He tried to hide it. He didn't want to admit not even to himself he was somewhat worried. But, in fact, he had grown very fond of you. He wasn't sure why, he wasn't sure what he felt towards you. There's a very thin line between love and obsession. All in all, part of him was relieved once he heard your voice.

"I'm sorry, Jerome. I had some things to take care of. Things that involve you, actually," you closed the door behind you and took a few steps forward.

The last sentence got Jerome's attention so naturally he turned his head around to look at you. His stare was so intense it seemed like he was staring directly into your soul. His hazel eyes were so beautiful yet so terrifying, you couldn't stare at them for too long. The dark circles under his eyes were darker than ever and you wondered if he ever slept. It was your job to help him get better but it seemed that he was getting worse everyday, like he was losing himself therefore you were failing. But you had to pull him out of his misery. You had to.

"You threatened Oswald Cobblepot," Jerome couldn't help but snicker proudly at your remark before you could continue your sentence "And you also took his medicine. How many times have I told you that taking meds you don't need only makes things worse?" you paused but the boy didn't reply. He knew it was bad, he just couldn't help himself. You sighed "They want to change your therapist, Jerome. They don't think I'm doing a good job with you."

Jerome's face dropped, "As in you'll be replaced?" he asked and you nodded. No, this wasn't possible. You were lying, you had to be. First you're late, now this. The redhead jumped out of his bed and walked up to you, "You're lying."

"Jerome-" you started but he didn't let you finish.

"Don't you dare to Jerome me. You're an hour late and now you're telling me you wanna get rid of me?" his tone went from numb to mad in a matter of seconds.

"I'm so sorry for the waiting, I'll try my best to keep you. I promise! Cross my heart and hope to die."

That only made Jerome crackle in an ironic manner "Oh please, Y/N. Don't make promises you know you can't keep. Empty promises. You're growing tired of me. It's funny, actually. I think this may be just my luck! Jeremiah promised he wouldn't leave too, but he did anyhow. And now you."

"Who's Jeremiah? I don't know what you're talking abo..." you felt like you couldn't breathe as panick took control over your body, "...why is there blood on your gloves?"

Shit, Jerome thought. "It's paint," he smiled but you knew he was lying the moment he tried to change the subject "Jeremiah's an old acquaintance, if you will."

"I never brought you paint..." you murmured. Then you remembered what you did bring him. The scissors. "You promised you won't hurt anyone with it..." you whispered.

Jerome shrugged, "I promised I wouldn't other inmates. I never promised I wouldn't hurt... myself...!"

Your eyes opened widely at the sudden realization. You covered your mouth with your fingers and your heart was beating impossibly fast while tears were filling your eyes. It was only now that you noticed his slightly puffy eyes too, "I'm so sorry... Jerome... oh God..." you muttered. He didn't look at you until he felt your hand on his.

Jerome hesitated to speak at first, "Oh, y'know... the scissors just slipped. I'm fine, really. No need to worry about me. If anything, I like bleeding out."

You knew that wasn't true. "I'm gonna get the doctor... we need to get it patched up."

"Then they'll know you're here."

"I don't care. I'll probably lose my job anyway. You hurt yourself, Jerome. You could get an infection. Fuck, I was supposed to help you get better but I didn't do shit! Now you're bleeding and it's all because of me-" you were cut off by Jerome's gloved hand covering your mouth.

"Shh. I'm fine, Y/N. It's not that serious. It's just... I don't feel safe when my scars are healed. I need to bleed to calm myself. It's like a part of me. It's my biggest comfort."

You tried to mumble something underneath his hand which made him frown, "I don't need your pity, Y/N. You're trying to weaken me, it won't work," he moved his hand, giving you the chance to speak.

"Please, Jerome. I care about you! I won't let you hurt yourself any longer!" you cried out. It was true. You would've done anything for him and it hurt you knowing he was harming himself. He thought he had it all under control but clearly he didn't. You were scared of what he could do to himself next. You couldn't just watch him destroying himself knowing you could've helped him.

Jerome shook his head repeatedly and covered his ears with his plams while circling around the room, mumbling things to himself. Eventually, his voice got louder and louder, "NO NO NO NO NO! No, you don't, stop saying that! Cut the bullshit, Y/N! You don't care about me, no one does! Jerome has no one, Jerome's all alone! It's how it's always been. It's how it's always gonna be. What the fuck do you want from me? Look at me! I have wanted to die for as long as I can remember. And guess what? When I finally did some jerks thought it'd be funny to bring me back to this shitty life! You think you understand me, but you don't! You can't save me, you can't fix me! What have you done to me? You cracked me! Just leave me alone! Leave me alone! LEAVE. ME. ALONE!!!" he yelled as he shed a single tear.

His face turned red from all the rage and you could swear he was gonna kill you at that very moment, but he didn't. Instead, his body collapsed on the ground. He was hugging his knees while staring at the floor, with his back pressed against the cold wall. You had no clue what just happened but he looked defenseless, practically harmless right now. You knew this was risky, but you kneeled next to him then reached out your hand and caressed his shoulders which caused him to look at you. You didn't see a psychopath in his eyes anymore, just a frightened child. That wasn't the ginger maniac everybody feared. That was a poor boy stuck in his traumatic past.

"Let it out, Jerome. This is why I came here, so we could talk like 2 human beings. Help me understand you. I know I can't take your pain away, but you can talk to me," you whispered.

"I'm not a human being. I'm a monster, can't you see? Everybody fears me. I'm the monster parents tell their children about," he muttered quietly. Usually he said that proudly, but now it sounded as if he was ashamed, which was very out of character. What he felt at that very moment was confusion.

"You're not a monster, Jerome. I have this feeling that... you're misunderstood, like no one ever listened to what you had to say. I am here to listen and I promise I won't laugh or judge. But if you hold everything inside you it's only gonna get worse... Let it all out, please." you spoke in a soft murmur.

"I don't even know.... what I am supposed to say," Jerome sobbed.

"Anything that comes to mind, that upsets you, that you wanna get off your chest. What is that one thought that won't let you get rest at night? The things you always wanted to say but nobody ever listened to. The things you always tried to forget because it all hurt too much. I can see the depth and complicity of your character, Jerome. You're not evil. Your past is haunting you, isn't it? I can see it in your face, it was rough. So please, I just want to help you. And I won't tell anyone, you have my word."

The ginger glanced at you with furrowed brows, trying to keep track of his thoughts. He felt something he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. He felt helpless and he didn't know why. He didn't know why he suddenly no longer felt in control. Was it because you were the first person to actually look at his wounds concerned instead of laughing? Because you were willing to actually listen to what he had to say? No one had ever told him that before. Except for you. But he couldn't bring himself to entirely believe anyone could actually care about him. His chest was hurting and his heart was aching. He was tired of hiding.

"... okay, I'll tell you everything," he nodded his head eventually, "but I'll never tell this story again so you better be all ears."

You nodded while caressing his once-so-soft-cheek slowly. Initially he shuddered, then he closed his eyes and leaned in your touch, giving you permission to carry on. Tracing your fingers on his cold pale skin made you feel his every scar, but his scars didn't scare you, they never did. You could tell he wasn't used to this kind of stuff. He wasn't used to people treating him like a normal human being. He wasn't used to being touched unless the touch was meant to harm him. He hadn't even started talking but you just knew something terrible was about to come out of his mouth.

The man took a deep breath. He knew that once he started speaking he wouldn't be able to stop. He had been holding all in for so long, it all came out like word vomit.

"Jeremiah is my twin brother. He was always mother's favorite. Mother. Can I even call her that? No, she was never my mom. Lila Valeska never loved me. She never treated me like her son, not even when I was a baby. She had only one son and that was Jeremiah. I was just... there. Like a nephew she had to take care of or something. But not a son, no. She always said I ruined her life. Yeah, like it's my fault she had unprotected sex. But I could never understand why she praised Jeremiah all the time. What was so special about him? What was he doing so much better than me to get that kind of appreciation from mama when we were just 5 years old? I can only remember he was into maths and puzzles and that kind of shits from a young age. He pissed the hell out of me. But I didn't hate him. I mean, at the end of the day he was still my brother. And sometimes he would hold me while that whore was busy banging clowns the next room, assuring me that everything would be alright and that mother didn't actually hate me, promising me that one day we'll get out of the circus and live our best lives. What a dirty little liar...! And to think I actually used to believe his empty promises... Until he turned his back on me."

Jerome paused. His eyes were now filled with anger, you could tell he didn't like his brother much. Then he continued.

"It happened once we turned 7. Lila had hit me multiple times and I don't even remember what was the reason, but then again, it's not like she ever needed a reason to hurt me. Before this it was usually just slaps, but this time it was a proper beating. The sadness mixed with anger I felt at the time were too much to handle for a little boy. I had to somehow let it out, y'know? So... I started mutilating small animals. Soon I grew an interest in murdering them. And it felt... therapeutic. I know I should feel ashamed of this, but I don't. I never did. Hell, I even pretended they were her because I knew I wasn't strong enough to actually hurt her back. How fucked up I must've been to behave this way at 7, right? But things got complicated when Jeremiah found out. He said," Jerome talked in two different thin voices the next parts:

"... ' I understand your anger, 'Romie! I think it's quite interesting, really! '

I actually believed him and replied happily ' You think so, 'Miah? But please don't tell 'ma, she'll get really mad at me! My cheek still hurts from the last slap she gave me! '

' I would never! She hits me too sometimes, you know. But I don't know why she's so mean to you all the time! '..."

Jerome cleared his throat and went back to his usual tone "Well, he kept his promise, kinda. He didn't tell our mother but he told uncle Zach ―and let me tell you this― he was the WORST. Such cruelness in one man. He used to cook food for the other circus members, but he was an ex prisoner, spent years in jail for robbery and rape. Yeah, that's my fucked up uncle. He was a cook and yet I was always left to starve. Mind you but I used to be underweight 'cause of that.

Anyway ...! Dear ol' Zach thought I had gone psychopathic when little 'Miah showed him the dead animals' corpses, so he made sure he worked me over. And, of course, Lila made sure of that as well. And as if those injuries weren't enough, Jeremiah saw this as a perfect opportunity to leave the circus. He started spreading rumors about me kickin' and punching him, feeding my mom and uncle with funny stories about me threatening his life, when the truth is I never touched a hair of his. For him, those were the stories that were gonna get him out of that damned place we so called home. For me, those were the stories that were gonna ruin my life. Even though I tried to defend myself they never believed me, because after all I was the animal abuser while he was the perfect innocent son, with his little nerdy hamster glasses and fancy books and puzzles. And let's just say, it didn't end well for me when he would randomly bring up something that didn't even happen. He had totally brainwashed them and I was lucky if I could get away with just a slap or two. But they didn't abuse me just physically... verbally as well. The amount of times I heard them planning my murdering were countless. And maybe they should have done it. Maybe they should have murdered me. Instead, they used to remind me every single day that I was such a heartless psycho monster who's gonna cause nothing but disaster. Well, I guess they weren't exactly wrong with that one. I mean, just look at me now..." he narrowed his eyes.

"Nobody ever stood up for me. Nobody cared. Nobody. They always managed to cover it all up, they always told me to smile once they were done. I was known as Haly's Circus little sociopath. And Jeremiah? They'd always make sure he was treated right, that he got the best stuff, while I could be freezing at night and they wouldn't even notice.

On our 9th birthday our uncle decided to take Jeremiah to the city away from me so he could celebrate his birthday properly and left me with my mom and her partner at the time. The got drunk and had sex all day, not caring that I was in the same room, beating the shit out of me afterwards. And when I had finally managed to get out of that hell of a trailer, my father ―I didn't know he was my father back then, but he knew I was his son― didn't even try to comfort me, he simply told me to suck it up because nobody cared. And he was right. This world indeed doesn't care about me or anyone else. But for a child? Damn, that hurt. And I suppose it's even sadder now knowing he was my dad...

Moving on, by the time we were almost 10 his lies got worse and worse, and so were the beatings. According to him I had tried to poison him and to light his bed on fire. One time he injured his knee when he fell on the ground, but later lied about me pushing him down the stairs. But the last straw was when he lied about me holding a cake knife to his throat on our 10th birthday. My uncle almost broke my ribs for that and my mom repeatedly kicked my stomach with her legs. Honestly, I can't really remember that day. All I know is that they decided it would be the best if uncle Zach took Jeremiah away while I was asleep. And I'm not gonna lie, I was pleased when I saw they both left, but little did I know that it was only gonna get worse for me.

Haly's Circus is a nightmare dressed like a daydream. A lot of fucked up things happened there. I hated that place. And with Jeremiah gone, she started drinking more and more, and got more aggressive. She got pissed at every little thing I did and made sure I received punishment. Did I forget to do that dishes? She'd kick me. Forgot to take out the trash? She'd slap me across the face. Didn't feed her snake? She'd punch me. Was breathing too heavily for her liking or my existence simply bothered her? She'd beat me till my vision was blurry or till I coughed in my own blood. I did try to get help from the cops, but guess what! They didn't give 2 shits! Ya see, the system is so corrupt they don't care unless someone's been murdered. They made fun of me and I understood no one could ever save me, I was the only one that could free myself from the pain."

You stood quiet when Jerome removed his gloves. You hadn't seen his hands unclothed in a very, very long time. Last time you saw his bare fingers was before he died. His veins were more noticeable now, among with multiple half healed blueish bruises he had probably given himself. Seeing Jerome without his gloves felt like him breaking a wall between the two of you. Like he trusted you. Like he trusted you enough for you to see him at his lowest. He needed to trust you enough to tell you everything. The scarred man was silent for a brief moment, trying to find the right words to describe the next part of his story that made you feel like throwing up.

"On my 14th birthday one of Lila's hookers...how do I say this... one of her hookers touched me, Y/N. Like, parts he shouldn't have touched... And... she was there, watching. She didn't do anything to stop him, she didn't even try. I was crying and screaming and begging her to make him stop. She just laughed. Her awful witch-like laugh followed by her favorite line: ' shut up! boys don't cry! '. And afterwards she just left with him for the night and before that she told me to smile. Smile. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't feel my body. The only thing I could feel were his hands all over my body... To put it into words, I felt worthless and helpless. Smile," Jerome smiled weakly through the tears as he repeated his mother's words, hugging his own body, "Smile. I was smiling that night. I was smiling when I tried to kill myself. It was all too much, I couldn't handle it. My life was a living Hell I started to believe Hell itself couldn't be that bad. So... I just took a bunch of her pills and I thought that was it, I thought I was finally gonna die. I smiled because I thought everything was finally going to end. Sadly, I survived. After taking the pills I dropped down to my knees and then... I don't know. I can't really remember anything except the fact I woke up with a terrible headache. Did she notice? Nope. Did those pills have had an effect on me? Absolutely.

I didn't have anyone to comfort me anymore. Not that Jeremiah was ever a great comfort, but it was better than nothing. I didn't have any friends, 'cause who would wanna befriend the freak who tried to murder his twin and massacred tons of pets? And if anyone tried to get close to me I would push them away. Literally. Push them. Because what was the point in denying my violent urges? Everybody thought I was the villain already anyway."

Jerome paused to blow his nose into a handkerchief you handed him. You were at loss of words. This was a lot to process and Jerome's voice was now shaky. It was painful to hear his life story, it was painful to look at him now, to stare at the helplessness in his eyes. Tough people always have the most heartbreaking pasts.

"I used to cry myself to sleep every night, but I barely managed to fall asleep knowing that she could strangulate me when her snake in my sleep, and I low-key hoped she would so my suffering could end already. But when I did manage to fall asleep I ended up getting a... What was that called? Oh yeah, sleep paralysis. She was the demon suffocating me. Even now... I can't ever properly fall asleep. I'm always half awake. Actually forget I said that... Stupid! stupid...." he cried while gripping on his ginger hairs, scratching his thin pale skin with his sharp nails.

"Jerome," you whispered and took his hands in yours, "it's not stupid. Your emotions are valid. Please, carry on."

The boy nodded and did as you said, "At some point I just stopped talking because my body was hurting so much. I started isolating myself from everything and everyone. Because you see, people like me, we're put in this world for one thing: to suffer. The only thing that made the pain go away for a while was the thought of torturing her, cutting her open and feeding her snake with her organs then bathing in a pool of her blood and maybe sending her bones to Jeremiah. All I know is that I was so sick and tired of her calling me names and spitting on my face, beating me up till I bled, abusing me, banging my head against the wall, ripping my hairs off, punching me with her cold fists, slapping and pinching my skin, throwing empty alcohol bottles at me and kicking my bones. And when she was done with beating me, she'd always call over one of her sex partners to have some fun. I was tired of having to hear her moans as she was getting railed the next room. But I knew better than disturbing her, because if I did she'd invite her lovers to beat me too... or worse. I just had to keep quiet because if I behaved she'd leave me alone for a day or two.

But in time I got used to it. The beatings and all. It didn't even hurt that much anymore. The psychical wounds healed eventually, but the emotionally ones were always there. She didn't even need to get physical, her words were enough to torture me, they were like poisson. Her words cut deeper than a knife. When she wasn't the one hurting me I was hurting myself. That's so messed up, I know. But what isn't messed up about me or my life? I just couldn't help it. I had grown addicted to watching myself bleed. It's like... that was my only comfort. My sadness, my pain... Bugs. There were bugs on my skin, crawling on it. One second they were there, the next they weren't. I had to peel some of my skin off just to make sure. But I liked it. I think. It looked pretty. Such a pretty shade of red...! I could've stared at it for hours. Don't know if I was high or if I just had lost touch with reality. Or maybe both.

I just wished she would just kill me already and be done with it, 'cause it was better to be dead than to be alive and suffering. I just wished that everything would go quiet once and for all. My mind was like a prison I could not escape. My mind was the darkest place. The negative thoughts, they were always there. The voices telling me to do horrible things to myself. People screaming. A thousand voices howling in my head all the time. Dead people. I saw dead people everywhere. I couldn't control it.

Nobody cared about me, so who would've noticed if one day I just disappeared from this world? If one day I just stopped breathing? Definitely not her. If anything, she'd beat my corpse. I mean, she didn't even notice my first attempt.

That's what I told myself as I tried to slash my veins. But then I heard it," his face suddenly lit up, "That voice. The voice. The only comfort I ever had was that voice in the back of my head. That voice that grew louder as the years passed by. That voice that was giving me hope saying ' your day will come, your revenge will come, you just have to be patient '. And I had done my waiting. All the suffering, all the abuse I was forced to endure were about the end. I wasn't gonna let her win. Little did that whore know her beatings gave me strength and a high pain tolerance. Suddenly, all the fear I ever felt towards her turned into hatred and anger. She was going to pay for everything she had ever made me go through. People call me insane but they don't know my insanity gave me strength to save myself from that Hell I used to call home.

So, by the time I was 16 I had already started planning her murdering. I started working out and made better meals for myself so I'd be sure I was stronger than she was. I wanted to no longer be skinny. I had also made the perfect plan to kill her and get away with it.

So on my 18th birthday, like a birthday gift for myself, if you will, I grabbed an axe and chopped her off, hitting her repeatedly with it, digging it up and down into her skin. The first stab was the hardest one, but once I saw blood drawing out I just couldn't stop. I laughed as I did. Seeing her like that, lifeless and all covered in blood made me shiver in a good way. It was like feeling a brand new emotion. I was...happy? Entertained? I had finally given in that voice, I was finally free! That day I promised myself that I would come after my brother and uncle too, they also needed to pay for the way they'd treated me. And after that I'd be finally free to kill myself... I know how fucked up that sounds, but now that you know what they put me through, I hope you understand why I had to do it. There was no other way. One of us had to go. I killed her because she deserved it, self defense really. You get it, right? Tell me you get it, please."

You nodded while massaging his thumbs. His eyes were red and so were yours. You were both crying. Jerome couldn't believe he just told you all of that. He had never told anyone about any of that before. Did he say too much? Did you not want to be near him anymore?

"Jerome, I don't even know where to begin... you are such a strong person, really. You didn't deserve what happened to you. It wasn't your fault. You were just a child, none of this was your fault. No one ever treated you like a human being. No one ever gave you a chance. It's like you were forced to be evil, you didn't have a choice. They made you evil. They turned you into the villain. Of course you snapped eventually. I can't blame you. I would've done the same if I were in your shoes. No one ever gave you the chance to tell the full story. I wish I could take it away. All the pain, all the suffering... Oh, Jerome... I can't even begin to describe how bad I feel for you. Your heart has endured way too much at a way too young age. It's not you who is the monster. It's them. You had and have every right to kill them, I'll even help you. Jerome... I'm so proud of you for staying alive. Jerome, please remember that you matter. You matter to me. I see you, Jerome. I see you for who you are. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? You are a very, very handsome boy."

"Even with the scars?"Jerome smiled, his eyes puffy from crying. Not a threatening or disturbing smile. A genuine smile that made you smile too.

"Absolutely. Your scars just show how strong you are. Your scars make you prettier. I myself ain't a strong person but... I won't let anyone hurt you anymore, you've been through enough. And I won't let you hurt yourself either. Because I care. And you can trust me with anything, Jerome. Let me be the one person that makes you feel like home. Please." you got lost in his gaze. Words weren't enough to express what you felt. So you just hugged him. A gentle, loving hug. Jerome wasn't a touchy person in general, but he gave in and hurled himself into your warm embrace. Soon he was holding you so close to him like he was never going to let you go. Then he cried more. And louder. He cried on your shoulder and you patted his back. This was all new to him, he was still confused by the way he was acting. But it just felt right. He felt safe at last. He wondered if you were an angel sent from Heaven to rescue him. You scooped him up in your arms. Yours arms were tight around him, his head on your chest. He needed this. He needed to feel okay. He needed feel loved and accepted. You held each other for so long you could feel each other's breathing, and you weren't going to let go of each other anytime soon.

"Thank you for listening."

[mymoodwriting]

10.2k, trauma, abuse, domestic abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, needles, drugs, medication, choking, suffocation, accidental murder, temporary death, mentions of suicide, guns, asylum patient, mind control, smut, non-con, manipulation, fingering, handjob, penetration, unprotected sex, yandere (@starillusion13)​

“Found you.”

  The voice sent shivers down your spine. For a moment you were frozen in fear, but as you began to hear footsteps approaching you broke out into a run. You didn’t bother looking back. You knew that voice all too well and your only option here was to run. It was already so late into the night, and nobody else seemed to be around. As you ran you reached for your phone, dialing emergency services. You were running out of breath, looking for a place to hide. As you heard someone answer the phone, a hand was suddenly over your mouth, pulling you back.

“You can’t run from me anymore.”

❤

    Your eyes shot open and you jumped up in bed, breathing heavily as your mind was racing. You gripped the bed sheets tightly, taking in your surroundings and starting to settle back into reality. It was just a bad dream, just another bad dream. You laid back in bed, eyes losing focus as you looked at the ceiling, trying to think of anything else so you could forget this nightmare all the quicker. The problem was it wasn’t the first time you had dreamt of something like that, and it probably wouldn’t be the last.

    Once your mind had settled, and your breathing was even, you got up. You grabbed your phone and stared at the date for a while. It had nearly been a year since you last saw him, even in your nightmares about him, you never saw his face. His voice alone was enough to haunt you. At first you adored it, hearing such sweet words from him, hearing your own name, but now the memory itself made you feel uneasy. Even if you were living a normal life, he still clung to you like a shadow. Sometimes he wasn’t visible, but he was always there, and you could do nothing to get rid of him.

    You had some breakfast and got ready for the day, taking a moment to let the sun wash over you. It was a silly substitute to the warmth you once got from another. You walked over to your bus stop, thinking about what your day would look like, already forgetting about the morning. The day itself was normal, and you figured it would end that way, but I guess that was too much to ask for. As you walked to your apartment you noticed two figures in black waiting outside your door. You thought to run away and call the cops but they noticed you first, waving you over and taking steps in your direction.

“Miss y/n, we’re with the police and have a few questions for you.”

“… pah… police?”

    You were thinking of running, but when they said they were police you let your guard down a bit. The two got close and showed you their badges, detectives Choi and Kim.

“Uh… what is this about… I’m a good citizen and-”

“Can we speak somewhere more private?”

“Yeah… sure…”

    You let the two into your place, offering them something to drink and sitting down with them in your living room. You were visibly nervous, and they noticed.

“You’re not in trouble.” Detective Choi assured you. “We just had some questions for you regarding Wen Junhui.”

“Oh… you mean…”

“I believe he goes by Jun.”

“What’s this about? I haven’t heard from him since…”

“Nearly a year ago he was institutionalized for…” Detective Kim began but stopped. “Well you know the rest. You haven’t had any contact with him since, have you?”

“No. Not at all. He wrote me letters for a while, but I never read them and just sent them back. Eventually he stopped, and I haven’t heard from him at all. Nor did I ever try to make contact with him.”

“But you do know where he is?”

“The facility that has him in their care, yes, I’m aware of it.”

“You said he sent you letters.” Detective Choi continued. “And eventually stopped. You haven’t received anything strange in the mail lately, have you?”

“Nothing at all. As you know I’ve moved, and I doubt he knows my current address. What is this about anyway? Does he have a hearing or something? I was informed he’d remain institutionalized because of his diagnosis and beha… vior…”

    You trailed off as things started to fall into place. It was late at night and two detectives had been waiting for you at your door. Now they were asking if you had any contact with that guy, especially recently.

“He broke out… didn’t he…”

“Unfortunately he-.”

“How!? Those type of places-”

“Please calm down, miss. You’re correct that he has no idea about your current whereabouts, we’re just asking for information about him.”

“Information!? What can I possibly give you? The police report on him says everything you need to know! He’s a stalker, he abused me, he kidnapped me, he locked me up, he nearly killed me! He’s a psycho who got off easy going to some asylum for the mentally insane! And now you’re here telling me he escaped! How exactly do you think I can help you!”

“We just-”

“GET OUT!”

    You expected some decency, for the two to get up and leave on their own. They did get up, but instead of leaving, they locked the door.

“Wa… what are you doing…”

“I’m afraid we can’t leave until we get what we came for.”

    You grabbed your phone and bolted for your room, only for Kim to grab you and pin you against a wall. You tried to break free, but he was much stronger than you.

“Who are you!”

“We’re just trying to help, honest.” Choi said. “We’re trying to find Jun, and you’re our best bet.”

“I want nothing to do with him!”

“We’re well aware of his history with you, and understand you have no ties to him, but he’ll be looking for you. So we need to know everything. If anything strange has happened lately, any friends reach out and seem weird, anything at all. You might not be aware of his presence, but he could be nearby.”

“He… he…”

“Once we’re satisfied we’ll go, and you won’t see us again.”

“No… no, I don’t know anything!”

“Then just let us be sure.”

    You were held still as the other jabbed a needle into your neck. You screamed bloody murder, thrashing around, but soon enough you felt yourself growing weak. You thought you’d pass out, but instead wound up in this drowsy state. Kim set you down on the couch, keeping his hands on your shoulders so you wouldn’t slump over.

“What are you gonna…”

“This won’t hurt, promise, but it might feel weird.”

“Uh…”

    You could vaguely make out Choi getting something from his pocket, like a small tin case. Then you felt something small and cold pressed against the side of your head. It made you shiver, and then you felt some weird tingle, like static in your head.

“Why don’t we do a quick trip down memory lane to make sure we didn’t miss anything.”

❤

“Jun!”

    You ran into the arms of your best friend, your lover, your everything. He picked you up with ease and spun you around before peppering your face with kisses.

“And where have you been all day, my love?”

“Working. Someone has to pay the bills around here.”

“We both pay the bills, not just you.”

“True… and what have you been up to today?”

“Trying out a new recipe for my love.”

“Is that what the delicious smell is?”

“Yes. It’s almost done, so wash up for dinner.”

“Will do.”

    You had known Jun for most of your life, and we’re always so close. It only felt natural that your friendship would evolve into something more. Jun confessed to you with a bouquet of roses and poured his heart out, bringing you to tears. You had both loved each other for a while, but he was the one with courage to say it first. From there everything was like a dream. He was so perfect, and he convinced you to move in with him after a few months. Your life together felt like something out of a fairy tale at times.

“Open wide.”

    Jun loved to feed you, especially when he cooked. Not to mention giving you a bath at the end of the week.

“This tastes divine.”

“Only the best for my love.”

    He cuddled with you every night, and every morning you had to fight with him to let you go. It was adorable, even if sometimes you didn’t have time for it. You knew he did it all out of love, and you couldn’t fault him for that.

“I’m going to be home late tonight, so don’t wait up.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m hanging out with the girls tonight.”

“No, no, no.” Jun reached over and wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you back down into bed with him. “Let’s have a movie night together, just the two of us.”

“Hm, that does sound tempting, but I haven’t seen the girls in months now. So a night out is overdue.”

“Do you have to?” Jun pouted. “I don’t want you out alone.”

“I won’t be alone.”

“Yes you will, I won’t be there. It’s gonna be so lonely.”

You giggled. “Don’t be silly, I’ll be fine.”

“Then can I come?”

“Girls night, sorry, I don’t make the rules.”

“No fair.”

    Jun was very reluctant to let you go, but he knew he wouldn’t get you to change your mind about the matter. He called you often that night, just checking in and asking if you needed a ride, wanting to know where you were. After a few drinks though you stopped answering and just focused on enjoying yourself. He didn’t take that well though.

“Y/n!”

“Huh? Jun? What are you doing here? How did you find-”

“Why didn’t you answer your phone, I was so worried!” Jun came over and pulled you into a hug. “I thought something had happened to you.”

“I told you I was hanging out with the girls tonight.”

“And you couldn’t answer my calls or texts?”

“I answered you ten times already.”

“Look at you, your face is burning up. It’s time you came home anyway, let’s go.”

“What, no, Jun.” You pulled away. “The night’s still young, and the party is far from over. I’m fine, so you can go now.”

“No, you’re coming with me. If you can’t even answer your phone, then you’re done.”

“Ya! You’re not my dad! Now go.”

“Y/n-”

“Go.”

“No, you’re coming home-”

“I’m not. I’ll stay with a friend tonight, so don’t wait up.”

Jun laughed. “Hilarious.”

    Jun grabbed your arm, his grasp a lot stronger than before, and he started dragging you away from the others. Your friends immediately got up and tried to get him to let go, but he pushed them all away, and considering most of you were already tipsy, they lost balance quickly.

“Jun!”

“If this is how you’re gonna behave, then you’re not going out again.”

“Jun, let me go!”

    You couldn’t break free, but when you got to the car you started fighting him. He had opened the door for you and was trying to get you in, but you refused.

“Don’t be a brat!”

    Jun slapped you, making you freeze. It wasn’t a hard hit, but your cheek still burned from the impact. You grabbed your cheek with your free hand, slowly looking back at Jun.

“Get in the car.”

    In your state of shock it was easy to get you in the car, he even put your seat belt on for you and then slammed the door shut. You watched him walk to the drivers side, silently getting in the car and driving off. You stayed quiet the whole ride over, waiting for him to open the door and pull you out of the car too. Neither of you spoke until you were in the house.

“I’m sorry about-”

“You hit me… you actually…”

“You’re drunk and-”

“YOU HIT ME!”

“And you weren’t listening to me! I told you I didn’t want you going out tonight, and you completely ignored me.”

“I have my own life you know, a life outside of you.”

“No you don’t. I’m your whole world, and what I say goes.”

“Says who?”

“Me! Nobody knows you like me, and I know what’s best for you. Being out late and drinking, it’s not the best idea, and you shouldn’t be doing that.”

“Oh, unless you’re there, right?”

“You need someone to look after you.”

“I can look after myself. In case you didn’t realize, I was doing just fine without you.”

“Hardly.”

“How did you even find me anyway? I didn’t tell you where I was.”

“That was the first thing that made me worry! I had to use the tracking app to-”

“Tracking app!”

“Yes. The one for couples, so we can always-”

“When the hell did you install that in my phone?! And without telling me!”

    You pulled your phone out of your bag and began looking through your apps, seeing what he was talking about. You couldn’t believe you had never noticed it before. You were about to uninstall it when Jun snatched your phone away from you.

“Ya! Give that back!”

“You won’t be going out for a while, so won’t need it.”

“Excuse me!”

“It’s late, and you’ve had dinner, so you should get to bed.”

“You can’t be serious right now.”

“Very.”

“You’re unbelievable.” You headed for the door. “I swear you’re acting crazy right now.”

“Where are you going?”

“Anywhere else!”

“You are so full of jokes tonight.”

    Jun grabbed your arm again and dragged you to the bedroom. He started stripping off your clothes and you were quick to stop him.

“What are you doing!”

“You’re drunk and need help getting your clothes off so you can shower.”

“Get your hands off!”

“Come on, babe, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“I said let go!”

    Your actions and words were met with another slap, stunning you into silence once more. You felt tears sting your eyes, and then Jun pressed a kiss to your head.

“I’m sorry, love, that seems to be the only way to get you to listen right now.”

“Please let go…”

“I’m trying-”

“I’ll take a shower and get ready for bed…”

“But-”

“Can you make me some tea?”

Jun smiled. “Of course, baby, I’ll make your favorite.”

“Thank you.”

    Jun gave you another forehead kiss before leaving you alone. You stood in place for a while before stripping out of your clothes and going into the shower. You didn’t know when the tears started mixing with the water, but you stayed there for a while and let yourself cry. The day had started out fine, but now everything felt like a nightmare. Everything you thought you knew about Jun had changed so fast, you felt like the boy you had known, had fallen for, wasn’t even real. Eventually Jun knocked on the door, and you told him you’d be out in a minute. You dried your hair and got into some clothes, meeting him in the kitchen for tea.

“Here you are.”

“Thank you…”

“I’m sorry about tonight, love.” Jun softly pet your head. “I didn’t like you being out there alone. It was better I take you home.”

“Hm…”

    You took a sip of your tea, the warmth making you feel a bit better. Although you tasted something off about it. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, and while you were thinking Jun tipped the cup towards your lips.

“Drink up while it’s warm, it’ll help you sleep.”

    You wound up drinking every drop so as to not spill anything, and you definitely felt funny. You had been tipsy earlier, and practically sobered up in the shower, but this felt different. You were feeling drowsy, and Jun took your cup from you before you dropped it.

“Jun…”

“Sh, it’s late, you should get some sleep.”

“I don’t… I feel…”

    Your legs gave out and Jun scooped you up in his arms. You could barely make out his face, let alone his words. With whatever strength you had you held onto him, mumbling about what was going on, but you were incapable of getting an answer. Despite your effort to hold on, you eventually fell into darkness.

❤

    You woke with a minor headache, snuggling against your pillow when you felt something cold on your leg. You lazily sat up, thinking your leg wasn’t covered, but it was, so you pulled back the blanket to see a chain. Now you were awake, and you grabbed the chain, following it to the leg of the bed frame, seeing that you were locked up.

“Wa… Jun!”

    You were tugging on the chain when Jun came in, and he immediately stopped you. He could see the look of panic on your face, trying to calm you down.

“Easy there, baby, did you have a bad dream?”

“What is this? Why did you chain me up?”

“Oh, that, just to make sure you’re safe.”

“Safe?”

“You had a crazy night, so you should stay in bed today and rest. This is just a precaution.”

“Take it off, now!”

“Baby.”

“Now! Where did you even get a chain! And about last night, you were acting so crazy! I thought you’d be fine today, but this is unacceptable.”

“I’m just looking out for you and doing what’s best.”

“I can decide that for myself.”

“You’ve shown me otherwise.”

“What?”

“Last night is proof enough. I’ve always been worried about the company you keep and-”

“Stop, just stop it. Get this chain off, and then we can talk.”

“We don’t need to.”

“Jun!”

“Since you’re up, I’ll bring you breakfast.”

“No, Jun!”

    He didn’t listen and left you to struggle with the chain again. When he came back he had you sit against the headboard, setting down a tray for you and trying to feed you, but you refused him.

“Baby, you have to eat.”

“Not until you let me go.”

“That’s for your own good.”

“…”

“Baby-”

    You flipped over the tray, getting food all over him and the bed. He stayed in place for a moment before quietly getting up and gathering the dishes. He left without a word and then came back to properly clean up, removing the stained bed sheets, and anything else that was dirty. You watched him in silence, glaring daggers at him, but he paid you no mind. Your clothes had gotten stained, but he didn’t do anything about that at first. Although when he came back with a glass of water you were confused.

“Here. At least hydrate.”

“No thanks.”

“Seriously?”

“I know you put something in the tea last night… you think I’m gonna trust anything else from you?”

“Hm. I guess that’s fair.”

    Jun drank the glass of water and set it down on the nightstand, going over to his dresser and rummaging around for something. From where you were you managed to see him pull out a small box, then there was a needle and vial in his hand.

“Jun…”

“You need a bath after that ordeal, and if you’re not gonna behave on your own, I have other methods.”

“What is that! Where did you get that!”

“It won’t hurt.”

“Jun!”

    As he approached you tried to get away, but you could only move so far before the chain went taut. Jun crawled onto the bed, and then on top of you, keeping you pinned with his body weight.

“Ju… Jun…”

“It’s just some medicine.”

“Get that away.”

“Sh, sh, sh, just hold still.”

    Jun had always been stronger than you, so he kept you still with ease, exposing your neck and driving the needle into you. The pinch made you close your eyes, and you could hear your own racing heart in your ears. A tear slid down your cheek, and a moment later Jun was wiping it away.

“Don’t cry my love, I’m just doing what’s best for you.”

“Please… let me go…”

“Sh, let’s get you cleaned up, okay.”

    You were already feeling weak, and Jun moved you with ease. You barely noticed when he took off the chain, or began to get you out of your clothes. He disappeared for a moment, and the picked you up in his arms. He took you into the bathroom, removing the last bits of clothing and putting you in a warm bath. He actually felt nice, but that might have been the drugs talking. Jun tended to bathe you on friday nights, so this wasn’t difficult for him. Especially since you were nothing but a doll at his mercy like this.

    At some point you did fall asleep, waking up dressed and in bed like nothing happened. Although the chain was back on your leg. You tried to sit up, but found it difficult to do so and just went back to sleep. When you woke up later Jun was there, helping you up so you could eat. You were still weak, so you couldn’t throw the food like before, but you did keep your mouth shut. That is until Jun grabbed your face and forced a spoon full of food past your lips. You had no choice but to eat, you were hungry after all.

“There you go, that’s a good girl.”

    You never really recovered from that day. Jun kept you chained up and in that drowsy state. You slept a lot, and you had no sense of time besides the daylight, but you couldn’t always trust that. Jun always made sure you ate, and cleaned you up too. You could barely understand anything he said, but you could make out the smile he always had on his face. You were powerless to stop him, but you knew you needed to figure out some way out of this. It was hard to come up with a plan when you could barely think for yourself , but fortune was on your side.

    One morning you had woken up with Jun, getting your face peppered with kisses as he cooed and snuggled against you. When he got up you noticed his phone on the nightstand. He’d be back soon, but you couldn’t waste this opportunity. You crawled over and grabbed his phone, shakily sending a message to a mutual friend of yours, and signing it with your name. You had to be quick, so you only begged them to come over. From there you scrambled to delete the message so Jun wouldn’t find out. As you were putting it back on the nightstand Jun came back and quickly took it from you.

“No, no, no, baby, that’s not for you.”

    You were nervous about getting caught, but after inspecting the phone he didn’t find anything suspicious. Now you could only wait and hope your message had been received.

“I’ll get started on breakfast.”

    Jun tucked you back into bed and went off to start preparations. He was nearly finished when he heard a knock at the door. He wasn’t expecting anything so he was quite perplexed. As he approached the knocking got louder and more aggressive. He checked to see who it was, finding a familiar face on the other side of the door. So he opened it, but only a bit.

“Hello, Misu, what brings you by so early?”

“Here to see y/n and talk about plans for the weekend. Can I come in?”

“Unfortunately y/n is sick and isn’t accepting visitors right now.”

“Oh dear, is it a fever? She rarely gets sick, let me see her.”

“That’s alright, I wouldn’t want you getting sick.”

“It’s no bother. I’m sure you’re tired looking after her day and night, I can give you a bit of down time.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll let her know you stopped by.” Jun tried to close the door, but Misu stopped him. “Yes?”

“I’m not leaving until I see her.”

“She’s sick and-”

“And no one has heard from her in weeks. Not even her job.”

“She’s on sick leave.”

“Prove it.”

“I’m sorry, are you doubting me?”

“Not at all. I just want to see my friend and make sure she’s alright.”

“She is, I assure you.”

“And you expect me to trust you after that night?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re referring to.”

“Oh you know, when you showed up unannounced and dragged y/n out of the restaurant. You fucken hit her! Twice!”

“We had a little disagreement and-”

    Jun didn’t get to finish as Misu pushed their way into the house, calling out your name. They didn’t get far before Jun grabbed them.

“If you don’t leave now I will call the cops and have you arrested for trespassing.”

“Go ahead, call them. I’m curious to know which of us will end up in handcuffs.”

    Misu pulled away and stormed into the house, still calling out your name. Jun glared and watched them go, starting to think about what to do. The sound of your name stirred you from your slumber. For a moment you thought you were just hearing things, but it was getting louder and louder. You tried to sit up, but you could barely manage, so you just screamed out for help with your voice, starting to choke on your sobs.

“Holy fuck, y/n!”

    Seeing Misu in your line of sight made you cry tears of joy. They had come, and they knew you weren’t alright.

“What the hell is all this, what happened?”

“Hel… help…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going to call the police, this is fucken crazy.”

    Misu dialed emergency services, putting the phone down for a moment and focusing on the chain, trying to figure out how to remove it. You were so focused on them that you didn’t notice Jun coming into the room, not until he had Misu in a choke hold.

“Jun!”

“Sh, sh, sh, don’t worry about this baby, just an uninvited guest.”

    You couldn’t do anything as Jun dragged Misu out of the room. You started crying again, thinking you had made matters worse. In between your sobs you heard a voice, and then realized Misu left their phone, and it was still on a call. You quickly found it, realizing the operator was still on the line. You composed yourself enough to ask for help, telling them you were being held captive, managing to give your address too.

“I know that… give me that!”

    When Jun returned and found you on the phone he quickly took it from you and hung up. He was glaring at you, but before he could say anything he noticed Misu had left her messages open, and there was the one you had secretly sent from Jun’s phone.

“You… you… how could you!”

“Jun, please… please…”

“After everything I’ve done! You, you, how dare you!”

“… please… just stop this…”

“We have to go, we can’t stay here anymore.”

“Jun-”

“Quiet! Not another word from you.”

    You certainly quiet down when you saw Jun with another needle. You could barely struggle beneath him, and felt the pinch on your neck. Jun removed the chain and picked you up in his arms, taking you out to the car, and that’s when you heard the sirens. A weak smile appeared on your lips, feeling a sense of relief. So you let your eyes shut, hoping to wake up in a better place.

❤

“Y/n… y/n, please wake up…”

“Hm…”

    Once again your name brought you back from the void. Everything was a blur as you opened your eyes, your senses slowly taking in the world. You heard a steady beeping noise, the white of the room hurting your eyes. Although your movements didn’t go unnoticed.

“Y/n! You’re awake! Doctor! Doctor!”

    Soon enough you could make out Misu’s face, but your vision was soon blurred by tears as you saw the bruises on their neck.

“Misu… Misu, are you okay…”

“Don’t worry about me, worry about yourself. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize something was wrong sooner. I couldn’t fathom Jun… I’m sorry…”

“He… what happened…”

“He was arrested, and is currently being processed. I already told the police everything, and even asked about getting you a restraining order.”

“… what happened to us…”

“Don’t waste tears on that monster. Everything’s going to be alright now.”

    The doctor looked you over once you were awake.Thankfully your health was alright, you just had drugs you needed to flush out of your system. Although the doctor did mention the withdrawal wouldn’t be pleasant either. Misu promised to stay with you, not planning to leave your side anytime soon. You’d be staying in the hospital for a while, and they’d be your overnight guest. It was weird getting back to normal. The world was no longer spinning and you could actually focus on things and be awake again. The withdrawal wasn’t fun though, but you were in a hospital, so nothing bad could really happen to you.

“What the fuck do you mean he got out!”

    Misu reacted for you when some detectives came by, telling you that Jun had gotten out on bail. He would still be prosecuted for assault, and kidnapping, but for now he was free on the streets.

“What stupid… look at me! Look at her! A guy like that shouldn’t be out of prison!”

“I’m sorry, but that’s the law here.”

“What if he comes here, tries to threaten us to drop the charges?”

“We’ll have someone posted outside until the court hearing.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Misu… we’ll be okay… right?”

“Of course. You heard them, we’ll have our own security detail, and I doubt that asshole knows where we are anyway. No one’s gonna talk to him and tell him. We’ll get him arrested at court and get that restraining order as well.”

    Misu’s words reassured you, so you could rest easy. You had a date set, so now you had to wait for that. It gave you some piece of mind, and that’s all you could ask for right now. Once you were better you were allowed to go to the garden to get some fresh air. You’d probably be discharged soon, and Misu offered you to stay with them while you figured out what to do next. Your other friends also came to visit you, glad to know you were alright and also apologizing. You didn’t blame them though. You and Jun had always been so perfect, but things just went south so fast. You thought everything would be alright now, but that wasn’t the case.

    You were sleeping peacefully when you heard some noises outside your room. You groggily woke up, seeing someone come into the room. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes, seeing the white coat and believing a doctor had come to see you. It was strange to have a visit at night, but you figured it was for good reason. Before you could ask there was a rag in your face, and you were pushed back against your pillow. Now that they were close you could see their eyes, and you’d recognize those anywhere. You tried to scream and squirm, but the chemicals were already taking hold.

    When you had gotten weak he stepped away, doing the same thing to Misu who had not woken up from the commotion. You could barely keep your eyes open, and you certainly couldn’t scream for help. Once Jun was done with her, he brought over a wheelchair, getting you into it, and putting a mask on your face. He gently pet your head and mumbled something about taking you home, but you couldn’t do anything to stop him. He wheeled you right past the officer posted outside your room, even greeting them on the way out. You desperately wished to say or do anything, but you were barely holding onto consciousness.

    You could barely make out the elevator ride, but you were aware enough to realize you had been taken to the parking garage. Jun easily got you into the backseat of the car, laying you down and wrapping you up in a blanket. He found your attempt to struggle adorable, but just told you to get some rest and that everything would be alright. You couldn’t fight the drugs for much longer, and ultimately passed out. Completely unaware of what awaited you when you woke up.

❤

    The new place was so unfamiliar to you, the first thing it did was strike fear into your heart. You felt like no one would find you, and that’s exactly what Jun wanted. You woke up as you arrived, Jun carrying you inside and into the bedroom. Of course he chained you up again, but things were different this time. You weren’t on his drugs anymore, and now that you were awake, you were gaining back your strength. You couldn’t just be weak this time.

    So when you had the chance you attacked, grabbing Jun from behind and trying to choke him out. He was quite surprised by your actions, but he still had the upper hand. He slammed you down on the bed and pried your hands off him. You would have thought he’d scramble away, but instead he quickly pinned you down, glaring daggers at you. Of course you were afraid, but you couldn’t just let that fear take over and make you helpless.

“When did you get so brave?”

“You should be in prison!”

“And away from you? Do you have any idea how agonizing these last few days have been without you?”

“They’ve been heaven for me.”

“Liar!”

“It’s true! Being away from you, being free! I don’t know what happened, but you’re not the Jun I fell in love with!”

“I am! I’m the same Jun you’ve known your whole life.”

“No you’re not!”

“Yes I am! The same man who has loved you for years, who couldn’t bear the thought of you being with another! I’ve always loved you so deeply, I can’t live without you! Don’t make me lose you again… please…”

“This isn’t love! You kept me trapped at home like some animal and-”

“You were gone! Out in the world without me, and I didn’t know if you were alright. You scared me to death that night, I couldn’t handle the thought of losing you again. I had to keep you safe!”

“This isn’t how you keep someone safe! This is kidnapping and-”

“It’s just the two of us. No one will find us here, we’ll be okay, and we’ll be together, that’s all that matters.”

“You’re crazy if you think I still love you after all this…”

“Don’t say that… I know you love me…”

“I don’t know you…”

“…”

    You could see the heartbreak in Jun’s eyes, and it terrified you. He was acting like a total psycho, yet it seemed like his feelings for you were sincere. It made you wonder if he was always like this, if you had never known this side to him. Although the answer was clear as day now. He had always been so clingy, never really letting you go out without him, and even when you did, he’d check in every hour or more. You were so blinded by love you couldn’t see the warning signs, no one around you really did.

“Liar… you’re a fucken liar! You think you can just throw away all those years of our love! All your stupid so-called friends have been feeding you lies! Taking you away from me when I’m the only person you need! Because of them you were in the hospital! Because… you called them… you were the one… you betrayed me!”

“Then just kill me already! I’d rather be dead than be locked up with you!”

“You don’t mean that!”

“If you won’t do it, I’ll do it myself!”

“Liar! You… you… if you don’t love me anymore, then I can’t let you love another! It’s only me!”

“What-”

    In the heat of the moment Jun wrapped his hands around your throat and started to squeeze. You didn’t register what he was doing at first until you found it difficult to breathe. You reached up to get him off, but he didn’t budge.

“Ju… Jun… Jun…”

“You’re mine, and only mine!”

“… jun…”

    You couldn’t hold out for long, the edges of your vision going black. You said you’d kill yourself just to get away from him, but you didn’t think he’d do it himself. The lack of oxygen weakened you by the second, so you stopped fighting all together and just let it happen. This may not be how you pictured your end, but you’d take it if it meant freedom. Jun didn’t let up either, not until you stopped moving. Then he realized what he had done.

“Y/n… y/n! Y/n, wake up! Wake up, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please, y/n, wake up!”

    Jun shook your body, quick to begin CPR, and not stopping until you took in a breath. He was so relieved, and held you tightly, weeping into your chest.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… please forgive me…”

    You could barely make out his words as you were taking in life again. Relieved and disappointed all at once. Silent tears slid down your cheeks as you were left to wallow in your meaningless future.

❤

    Jun couldn’t apologize enough for his actions, but he vowed to treat you with such care. Although that was difficult as you were still upset with you. He struggled to get you to eat, or even look at him. He may not have access to the medicine he gave you before, but your lack of nutrition was making you weak.

“My love, you have to eat.”

“…”

“I won’t let you die like this, so please, you have to keep up your strength.”

    At times he’d have to force feed you, even if a bit, just to make sure he wouldn’t lose you. Still, he could see such emptiness in those eyes, and it pained him dearly. No matter what he did, it seemed like that spark was gone. You on the other hand truly felt like a living corpse, but a part of you still thought of escaping. It took days, maybe even weeks, it was hard to tell time anymore, before you found your chance. The chain only ever came off when you needed to take a bath, so that was your time to act.

    When you had the chance you shoved Jun out of the bathroom and quickly locked the door behind him. He immediately panicked, but you focused on what you needed to do. You only had a bit of time, and your strength wasn’t what it used to be. You turned on the shower head, trying to fill the tub faster, grabbing a bunch of things and throwing them into the water all together, splashing it around a bit to give the illusion you were attempting to drown yourself. You heard the panic in his voice, knowing he was putting together pieces you had laid out, so now was your chance.

    There was a small window in the bathroom, one you had never seen locked. It was just big enough for you to squeeze through, even if it would be painful. You forced it open and began to crawl through, grateful you were on the ground floor. Once you were outside you didn’t hesitate to get up and run. You weren’t trying to go far, you didn’t have the time for that, so the plan was to go to the neighbors for help. You saw a light on in one of the houses down the street and ran over to it, frantically banging on the wall and asking for help. Soon enough there was an answer and you let yourself in, telling the home owners to call the police, that you had escaped from your captor.

    You were glad they believed you, and you stayed with them, out of sight, until the police showed up. Of course you had been missing this whole, so your escape brought relief to many around you. Although you had been worried about Jun escaping, the police had him in custody, and you saw him being taken into the back of a police car. That is until he saw you and went ballistic. He got away from the officers holding him and made a run for you. Thankfully he didn’t get close, but the possibility itself terrified you.

“Y/n! You’re okay! You scared me back there! Please, baby, tell them there’s been some mistake! Y/n! Y/n, look at me! Y/n!”

    You hid behind a friend of yours that showed up, keeping your tears to yourself and trying to ignore his words. You were trembling, just wanting everything to stop. It wasn’t until you were told he was gone that you could lift your head. Relief washed over you, and you were properly taken care of from there. He didn’t get bail this time, just kept locked up until the trial. Now you were dreading that, not wanting to see him again, but you had no choice if you wanted to make sure he was behind bars. Although sadly that didn’t go to plan.

    His lawyer pleaded insanity, going over all the things he had done to you, and stating how that proved Jun was mentally unwell. His behavior at the trial certainly convinced everyone else too. The whole time he couldn’t keep his eyes on you, on occasion whispering your name and an apology. Asking if you were alright, if you had eaten, completely ignoring the trial itself. Everything he did to you was out of love, even you couldn’t deny that, and his lawyer used that to his advantage. In the end he got a proper diagnosis and was sent to a mental asylum for treatment. That wasn’t really what you wanted, but as long as he was away from you and couldn’t hurt anyone, it was good.

    You couldn’t really go back to the place you called home. You did try, but he was everywhere, not to mention the letters you received practically every day. If you truly wanted to get better you had to move on with your life, move on from him. So you did. You sold the house and got your own apartment, moving away and losing some friends along the way. You had to do what was best for you. It took a while, but you slowly started living again, but your heart remained still. After all that, you couldn’t possibly trust anyone with it ever again.

❤

“Hm… there really is nothing…” Choi said. “I kinda expected… something…”

“I guess she really hates him.” Kim added. “You know that boy never shut up about you, kinda feel bad for the sucker now.”

Your head was pounding, so many memories being dragged to the surface at once, you could barely make sense of the present.

“… who… who are… you… really…”

“No one important. We’ll keep an eye on you though.” Choi stated “Jun is bound to find you.”

“No… no, please…”

“Don’t worry. We won’t let him get you, we just want him back in his cage.”

“Huh?”

“Nothing to worry about. Let’s go.”

    You felt something get take off your head, the static feeling finally starting to fade away. You could see the other two making their way to the door, and you tried to get up, but ultimately collapsed to your knees. You heard the door open, and then there was a crash. Kim landed next to you, knocked out from the impact. You were starting to get your stability back, looking up to see an impossible sight before you. Choi was dangling in the air, clawing at his throat, struggling to breath. You thought you were still delicious, moreso when you saw a third party in your apartment. The figure stepped closer and closer, ultimately coming into the light and making your eyes go wide.

“… no… no, no, no… it can’t be…”

“… how… how did you…” Choi choked out. “… how…”

“It was easy.” Jun laughed. “I saw you scoping out my old home, and I followed you from there. I knew you’d lead me right to her, so it was a matter of waiting.”

    The gentlemen in the air suddenly flew out the window, making you scream and cover your head. You then heard footsteps approach, crushing glass along the way. You were too scared to look, wanting to believe this was all just another nightmare. Your desires didn’t do anything for you as you felt a hand grab your chin and force your gaze to meet theirs.

“Found you… I finally found you, my love.”

“… you… you’re not real… you can’t…”

“Sh, I know it’s shocking. I can’t quite believe you’re real either, but you are, and so am I.”

“… no…”

“My poor baby, you must have missed me so much. I know things didn’t go well last time, but this time it will be perfect. You and I-”

    Kim had regained consciousness, immediately drawing his firearm, only for his weapon to suddenly be pointed up, and all rounds emptied into the ceiling. You screamed after the first shot and covered your ears.

“You dare to try and hurt my lover?!”

“Subject 074, you’re to return to containment!”

“I didn’t escape, just to go back. I will thank you for the blessing though.”

    Once the gunshots had stopped, you took a moment to settle down. Whatever this was, you couldn’t stay, so when you had the chance you ran for the door. You only took a few steps before you lost your footing and found yourself floating up in the air. You screamed over the sudden levitation, not understanding what was happening.

“I’m sorry love, I know this must all be so scary and confusing, but I can explain.”

“… pu… put me down…”

“Of course.”

    You tried to run away, but the door slammed in your face. Even though it wasn’t locked you couldn’t get it open, as if something heavy was blocking it. You eventually gave up and collapsed to the floor curling up and shutting your eyes. You heard footsteps approaching, flinching when you felt a hand on your head.

“Sh, sh, my baby, everything’s going to be okay, I’m back now.”

“No… no you can’t… the police…”

“They can’t keep me away from you, no one can.” Jun smiled. “I should get rid of our uninvited guest first though.”

    You didn’t know what that meant, but you made the mistake of looking over as Kim was also tossed out the window. You hid your face again, starting to sob. This was the worst nightmare you had ever had.

“We should probably go somewhere else.”

    You suddenly began to feel dizzy, as if the ground beneath you was moving. You opened your eyes, confirming that wasn’t the case, but not feeling well regardless. Jun watched you with a fond smile on his face, petting your head some more and softly cooing you to sleep. For whatever reason you couldn’t resist, not even if the adrenaline of all these events should keep you awake. The last thing you saw was Jun’s wicked smile, hoping this was all just a dream.

❤

    You woke up peacefully, hoping to find yourself in bed, but that wasn’t the case. You sat up and found yourself in some kind of glass cage. There was no top, but the walls were too high, and there was no way for you to climb out. Around you there was nothing but darkness, and you thought you were alone until Jun showed his face.

“There you are.”

“… no… no you can’t… you’re not… this is just another dream… just another bad dream…”

“Oh, did you dream about me? I did too. Both at night and during the day. I missed you so dearly my love I was going insane.” Jun laughed. “I guess my love for you did work in my favor.”

    You were still uncertain about this whole thing, but you were so confused more than anything. You wanted nothing to do with him anymore, nothing at all, but something was very different about him, very wrong.

“How… how did you escape… you’re supposed to be… medicated and… and…”

“Out of my mind? Please, I was never sick to begin with, so there was nothing to treat. Everyone thought my love for you was psycho, but they were wrong, even you.”

“… me?”

“You couldn’t understand that everything I did for you was because I loved you, because I had to protect you.”

“That wasn’t love…”

“Not what most would think, but that’s the only thing that dictated my actions.” Jun came up to the glass, a deranged look on his face. “I love you, y/n, always. Now we can finally be together, and no one can ever take you away from me.”

“No… no this isn’t right, this isn’t love.”

“Silence!” Jun took a breath. “Everyone always says that, but they’d happily use it to their advantage. You know a lot’s been happening these last couple of months.”

    Even if you were scared, there were still things you wanted to say. Although now they all seemed to be stuck in your throat.

“At first I was in that asylum. Taking pills and talking to doctors, everyone trying to fix me, but you can’t fix what isn’t broken. Then they came along… I know what you might be thinking, who, but even I don’t know that. What I do know is they took me somewhere else, somewhere special. They said I was special, that I had great potential. I think it was just cause I appeared crazier than the others, but that’s when the real fun began. Needles, and drugs, and blood, and pills, and torture… I was their human lab rat… for what I’m not sure, but I can’t deny the results.”

    Jun started laughing again, and then you began to notice things start to float up in the air. He knew you were watching, so he began to make the items move around with ease. Then it finally clicked, this was all his doing.

“Power, like nothing else. Telekinesis, that’s what they call it. Isn’t it cool? The power to move things with my mind. They were certainly happy with me, telling me I was a good investment, wanting to move on to the next phase, but I only cared about one thing, you. It honestly wasn’t that hard to escape, they doubted my skills, not to mention my other powers.”

    In the blink of an eye Jun disappeared, and then he stood right before you, inside that glass cage with you. He quickly cornered you, keeping you pressed up against the glass and pinned by his own body. He had that devilish smile on his lips, and you wanted to look away but he grabbed your chin.

“They were really no match for me. The only hard part was finding you again. You completely disappeared, leaving behind no real trace. I guess I got lucky seeing those two snooping around. I would have found you anyway, but they sped up the process.” Jun stared at you fondly. “It’s good to see life in those eyes again. I missed it.”

“…”

“Ah, right, the other thing. You can speak your mind love.”

    It was a strange feeling, this heaviness in your chest suddenly disappearing. Your throat didn’t feel constricted anymore, so you tried speaking, surprising yourself with the results.

“Who are you…”

“Jun, Wen Junhui, the one and only.”

“You’re lying…”

Jun sighed. “This again. Why do you lie to yourself, are you so afraid of loving me?”

“You’re not Jun.”

“Of course I am.”

    His lips were suddenly pressed against yours, kissing you deeply, kissing you with hunger. Despite everything you had said so far, you couldn’t deny the familiarity you felt. When he pulled away you were both out of breath, but he was far from done with you. He latched onto your throat, kissing and sucking on your skin, marking you up in ways no one had in so long. You couldn’t resist it, not having felt this way in months, not having been touched in such a manner either.

    While Jun’s lips were on your neck, his hands were running down the side of your body, caressing you and squeezing. They wrapped around your waist and then moved down to grab your ass, making you jump, and he chuckled, calling you cute, but continuing. His hands began to tug down your pants, and you tried to stop him, only to have your hands slapped away. He bit down hard on your shoulder, giving you a warning to behave.

“You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for you baby, and I know you’ve been yearning for me too.”

“No… no… you-”

“Your body doesn’t lie.” Jun hissed. “Just relax baby and let me take care of you.”

    You felt like you were melting under his touch. Every little skin to skin contact sending sparks across your body. Once he had access he didn’t waste any time to grab your crotch, starting to rub you through your panties. You bit your lip to hide your moan, only for him to notice and kiss you. Forcing your lips to part and making you moan into his mouth.

“That’s my girl.”

    Jun was just as impatient as you, soon enough moving your panties aside and teasing your core directly. He began to rub your clit, sending more tingles down your spine, and when he pushed a finger into you without warning you threw your head back. You nearly hit the glass but Jun moved you forward just enough to miss it. He loved the look on your face, especially knowing he was the cause of it. He just wanted to see more and more of it, having had his imagination for the past few months, and now finally having you in his grasp again.

    You were too focused on your own pleasure to remember the circumstances of your situation. Not having felt this way in so long, you were easily giving in to your carnal pleasures. It also didn’t help that Jun knew, and knew exactly what to do to make you his. Your body began to move in rhythm with his, your hips moving on their own, and your hands mindlessly looking for what you wanted. Jun was a step ahead of you, already having his pants at his ankles, making it easy for you to grip his cock. He let out a groan when you wrapped your hand around him.

“You really did miss me, you can’t lie.”

“Just… just shut up… and…”

“Fuck you?” Jun chuckled. “Anything for you.”

    He got sloppy fingering you, just wanting to get you ready as fast as possible, but he couldn’t hold out for long. Whatever bits of clothing you had that constricted his access to you were torn up, and soon enough your legs were wrapped around his waist.

“You want me baby?”

“Hm… yes, please…”

“You gotta say the magic word.”

“Please…”

“Nope, you gotta tell me what you want, and from who.”

“You… I want you to fuck me, please…”

“And what’s my name? What’s the name of your lover? The name of the one who owns our heart? The name I haven’t heard in so long.”

“… Jun…”

“Who?”

“Jun, please, please… fuck me.”

“With pleasure.”

    He wasn’t going to tease you any longer, and ready or not, you were going to take everything. In a swift motion he pushed into you, making you cry out his name in ecstasy. You had been stretched out like that in so long, and no one else besides Jun ever had the pleasure of doing so. He gave you a tiny moment to feel him before his basic instincts took over and he began to move. He was relentless, making up for lost time with each thrust, and making your eyes roll to the back of your head every time. His name spilled out of your mouth like a confession and a prayer all in one. Soon enough there was nothing in your head but him and what he was doing to you.

    As Jun got close to the edge he held you tighter, keeping you right where he wanted with ease. Although he wanted you to climax first, pressing you against the glass and using a free hand to rub your clit. He didn’t need to play with you for long before your vision went white and your body shook for him, squeezing him tighter and pushing him to his own climax. You could feel the warmth inside you growing and growing, feel him throb inside you. It brought tears to your eyes, reminding you of everything you had missed. Your body was spent, but Jun was far from done with you.

    He stayed put inside you, gently rocking his hips and making you tremble with the tiniest of movements. You could feel him getting hard again, knowing what came next and that you were powerless to stop him. He had a lot to make up for, and a lot of frustrations to get out. He worked you over for your second climax, and third, and fourth, and then it all blurred together into one. Somehow you could take, even if you felt like your body was way past its limit. Something in your mind keeping you in that perpetual state of bliss. You had lost count of how many times Jun spilled his seed inside you, but you could feel the overflow, and it was so nice.

“Had enough yet, baby girl?”

“Hm… I… I…”

“You don’t know? Did my precious girl get stupid on my cock?”

“…”

“I’ll take that as a yes. Why don’t you close your eyes and take a nap for me love, I got you.”

    Just as quick as you found yourself floating in a sea of bliss, you felt a calm darkness wash over you. The exhaustion made it so easy to just pass out by his words.

❤

“Wake up, y/n.”

    You inhaled softly as you opened your eyes, still in an unfamiliar area. You looked around, seeing some sort of lab equipment around, but nothing you really recognized. Then you realized you were strapped down in this metal chair, something similar to what you’d find at the dentist’s office. You tried pulling on the restraints, but it was no use. Your body ached with exhaustion over the previous events. Which brought it all to the forefront of your mind, making your eyes go wide. You couldn’t believe that after all this time you had merely let Jun take you like that. You barely even put up a fight.

“Don’t beat yourself over that.”

“Huh?”

“I might have cheated there. I need you exhausted for this next part, and I figured I could kill two birds with one stone.”

“What are you talking about…”

“It felt good though, better than before, right? I know your memory might be fuzzy, but I promise it was way better. And we can do it again, and again, in the future.”

“What is this… what are you doing…”

“Right. That. I mentioned I had other powers besides telekinesis. You saw me teleport, so care to guess what the other one is?”

“…”

“Telepathy.”

  You screamed upon hearing his voice inside your head, pulling on the restraints again in a frantic panic.

“Easy there, easy. I’m not gonna do anything bad.”

“You… you manipulated me back there! You made me-”

“Oh please, you know you want me, and no one else. I was just making sure you felt extra good. Telepathy can be so fun when you figure out how to manipulate the brain.”

“Get out of my head!”

“You wound me with your words, but I forgive you. I’m gonna make it all better.”

“You psycho!”

“Everyone keeps calling me that, but what are you going to do? Even if you’re upset with me, that doesn’t change the fact you’re tired, and I can do what needs to be done.”

“Wot… what is that?”

“Fix us. Fix you.”

“What!?”

“It’s simple really. I’m just going to get rid of all the bad things, and only leave the good. Remove that terrible night where everything went wrong and go from there.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Yes I can. It’s all I ever wanted to do since that day, and now I have the power to do just that.” Jun came over to pet your head. “It won’t hurt at all, just a fuzzy little tingle while we talk and get things straight.”

“… no… stay out of my head!”

“Don’t be scared, I’m going to put everything back in place, and we’ll both be together again, like nothing ever happened.”

“Don’t… don’t, please…”

“Sh.” Jun kissed your head softly. “I’m gonna fix our love.”

(II)

[an-au-blog]

Ok, I was listening to something and got thinking about Zoro in the East Blue Asylum wing au.

He has to take an extra pill for his aggressive tendencies and paranoia (which is an unfortunate combination, especially for the people who have to hold him down when something happens. He's pretty strong even though he can't train properly within the facility and when he jumps to a fight he wreaks havoc. Not to mention that Sanji is one of the few people who stop him from fights, as he jumps every time Luffy does, which is pretty often.) The problem with the pills is that he hates taking them. He usually hides them under his tongue and then throws them out when no one's watching (or gives them to Brook, who loves the calm feeling they give him because he believes that corpses (as he sees himself) need to rest and be in peace.)

But on the rare occasions when he does take the pills, he gets drowsy and extremely passive. He usually just broods in the corner but after the pills, he's almost like a plant. Sanji, because of past trauma and his extreme fear of authority figures, often asks Zoro to take his pills because they could get into trouble. Zoro finds it hard to tell him 'no'. The only other people he would take the pills for were Luffy and Chopper. But Luffy loved that Zoro hated all the rules as much as he did. And Chopper assumed that Zoro was calm because he was already medicated and it was the medicine at work that made him well-behaved.

The first time he made him take them, he watched him do it to make sure he was obeying the rules and all. They were huddled in the corner and Sanji was just talking about anything and everything but at one point he realized that Zoro wasn't responding. He freaked out and was on the verge of a panic attack when Nami rushed over to reassure him it was okay and that it was just the pills.

"It's okay, it's okay. Look, his eye is still moving." She pointed out.

And sure enough, there he was - slouched and looking at Sanji. His face was expressionless but there was an odd kind of calmness to him. Nami took both their hands and put them in one another (essentially making them hold hands.) Zoro squeezed his hand. It reassured Sanji a bit, but he still refused to leave his side for the rest of the day.

Some of the doctors and nurses didn't like that the east blue wing was starting to become so codependent. They thought that it was an unhealthy coping mechanism but on Dr. Chopper's request, none of them were separated. Until the experiment they did with Dr. Kuma, that was...

Zoro sometimes gets visited by his sister and father. When he argues with his sister he seems more normal than what he acts like with the doctors or nurses. Some of them suspect that he got better a while ago but is faking his illnesses now just so he can stay with his "crew". Ironically enough would be another thing they'd have to try and "medicate" him from.

(I'm thinking of posting some EBAW au sketches for 300 followers maybe? Idk we'll see when we get there ;))

[thefirstlioveyou]

i think the one of the many reasons why mike’s monologue to will in s2 is more believable/genuine than the one to el in s4 is because he doesn’t paint out meeting will as something meant to be, or love at first sight, or destiny.

we would never really know who wrote the tweet where the st writers say they do not believe in love at first sight, it could’ve been anyone since apparently sometimes it’s not even the writers tweeting, if im correct? but, it’s still important to include anyway because the writing shows it still.

mike explicitly admits to will that meeting el was not destiny or fate, but pure dumb luck. in other words, there was no higher power driving them to be together no matter where they were in the world. it was just by chance. he then goes on to say that he only brought her in the house because she just needed someone, not that he magically fell in love - which is what he later contradicts by saying that he had immediately loved her in that moment. he lied. in s1, his first words when he sees el for the first time are quite literally, “it’s not will.” he initially planned to send her to an asylum after finding will.

that, plus the writer account saying they do not believe in love at first sight, shows that mike’s monologue to el in s4 is a load of bs.

mike’s monologue to will in s2 does the exact opposite, which is why it’s more believable.

not only does he not have to say ‘i love you’ to say ‘i love you,’ but in this scene, he does not give the universe credit for meeting will. there was no ‘destiny’ involved; he just happened to see will just as alone as he was and they bonded over it. mike emphasizes that it was his concious choice to approach and ask will to be his friend. he quite literally ends the monologue by saying, “it was the best thing i’ve ever done.” he gives himself the credit.

it was the best thing he ever done because of the life he’s lived with will. he did not know in that moment he met will that it was going to be best thing he’d ever done, he didn’t know how much he’d love him, he didn’t know the chaos that’d eventually come. all he knew was that he finally had a friend, and that’s what makes it so genuine and pure. the love grew naturally.

there was no love at first sight, because the writers do not believe in that, nor does the writing itself. jopper was not love at first sight, their love took time. lumax was something that both didn’t expect. jancy was something both didn’t expect either, one already being in a relationship and simply sharing her condolences and the other a rejected loner with set opinions on others.

the only one that didn’t follow this formula was mike and eleven. mike didn’t consider el in a romantic way at all until lucas told him that he should “just marry her already.” (ep2 or 3, i forgot). it was reallyyy early on. there was nothing natural compared to the others. mike felt he had to just because she is a girl and his friends said so.

i mean look at the face he makes right before he even kisses her the first time (after comparing her to family):

el sees mike as her caretaker in s1. mike is the first to provide any real care and shelter. but, she’s traumatized. she clings and follows on to the first person to show her real care. i don’t even think she saw him in a romantic way either until he kissed her. because she sees him as a caretaker, she follows through with it like she has to. now i do think there was some sort of eventual romantic feelings for mike on el’s side later in the series, but it’s not a healthy type. it’s a very skewed perspective due to trauma.

the only other relationship that does follow the same formula is mike and will.

they are endgame.

gootbye 🫶