#the only picture i have of myself on my instagram is my profile picture which is just my face? brother youre committing to this sight unseen

[billcarden]

men perplex me

[starryeyedjanai]

bad boys do it better

rated: teen | @steddieholidaydrabbles prompt: modern au tags: dating apps, innuendo, bad flirting read on ao3

✿

Eddie finally opens Tinder after downloading it in a fit of desperation.

He's tried everything but these stupid apps—bars and clubs and pottery classes and rock climbing—trying to find someone he can connect with.

But he's mostly found guys that string him along with whispered sweet nothings and half-promises they don't intend to follow through on.

So he makes his profile and then promptly fumbles and drops his phone because— no fucking way.

There's no way this is real life.

There's no fucking way the first guy to pop up is Steve fucking Harrington, his unfortunate and longest lasting crush in high school.

He picks up his phone and sees Steve's face staring back at him, unassuming, a bright, cheery smile on his face.

Steve, 28 2 miles away "Hope you like bad boys because I have it on dvd and vhs" Interests: baseball, basketball, live music, movies

He taps to get to the next photo and lets out a shaky breath—the shorts of what can only be his Halloween costume are so short, exposing hairy thighs that Eddie wants to sink his teeth into.

The next photo is a snapchat picture of him grinning wide, cradling what might be the world's ugliest dog, the text across the screen reading my nephew is so handsome 🤩🤩🤩.

The last is an obligatory shirtless mirror pic, not showing off washboard abs, but the soft, toned skin of his stomach.

He closes the app, sets his phone down, and breathes through his nose.

This can't be real, right? In what world would Steve be the first person in a sea of profiles in San Francisco of all places?

Eddie expected him to chase after Nancy Wheeler when she went to Boston, but he didn't stick around long enough in Hawkins to find out if they ever rekindled their will-they-won't-they relationship.

Maybe he's just visiting. Maybe he found his match and just forgot to delete Tinder. Because there's just no way Eddie has this kind of luck.

He opens up Instagram and searches for Steve and finds him right away because they're probably still Facebook friends.

He scrolls through his profile and deflates a little, because all of the pictures on Tinder are from his Instagram. Which means it's probably much more likely that someone is catfishing using Steve's pictures.

Because the Steve from high school wasn't into men. And he's hot enough for someone to use his pictures to scam people or whatever.

He opens up Tinder again and his thumb is swiping right before he thinks about what he's doing.

It's a match!

Okay, now he knows it's a catfish. Or maybe it's a bot.

There's no world in which Steve Harrington would swipe right on him in the twenty minutes it's been since he created his account.

He types a message to "Steve" saying so are you a bot or just a catfish?

He doesn't get a response right away, so he clicks out of the messages, looking at profiles of what are hopefully actual people he can connect with.

His phone buzzes when the message from Steve comes in.

Hi3 Eddiems, cl!ck th3 linkin my proffile to . achat I am waitin9

He rolls his eyes and goes back to perusing profiles. It's not like he thought it was really Ste-

His phone pings with another message and he clicks back into the chat immediately.

That was a joke. There's not even a link in my profile

Eddie's heart beats a little faster, his fingers typing out a response.

So a catfish then?

Why do you think I'm a catfish?????

Because I know the guy in those pictures and there's no way hes into men. That guy was a jock extraordinaire in high school and very straight

You're awfully judgey for someone who was so anti-conformity in high school. Whos to say I haven't changed?

Or like, learned new things about myself?

Eddie's breath stutters in his throat.

Also you didn't really know me since we never talked.

Okay, I mean. It's pretty easy to guess that I was counterculture in high school by looking at me. So I'm still on the fence about the catfish thing

How about we meet up then? So you can see me in all my nearing-30 glory

And watch bad boys on dvd and vhs with you?

Dude, I am not inviting you to my house on the first date

That's a third date kind of thing

Oh yeah? Is it a back-to-back feature? We start with the vhs then move to dvd?

He can't believe he's entertaining this. A catfish wouldn't offer to meet up unless they thought Eddie wouldn't call their bluff. He kind of wants to see where this is going.

No see, we start with the dvd playing in the living room and then when we inevitably start being bad boys🥵 in the middle of the movie, we can pick it back up on vhs in my room later

To be clear, we stop the movie, right? I'm not sure bad boys has a soundtrack meant for the kind of activities we'd be doing

Oh for sure. I'd even put on my "let's get it on" playlist. As a treat.

Eddie can't help but grin. Even if this guy is a catfish, this is maybe the most fun he's had talking to someone in a long time.

Are you serious about meeting up?

Uh yeah, I can't have you thinking I'm a catfish forever

What's your favorite brewery?

Cellarmaker

Wanna do tomorrow afternoon at like 2 when it's not busy?

That sounds perfect

He isn't sure if it's really Steve or if he's going to be met with someone else or stood up, but at least he'll get to drown his sorrows if it doesn't work out.

Well—he's unsure until he gets the 'stharrington started following you' notification on Instagram a few minutes later.

He screams into his pillow so loud his neighbor thumps on the wall.

[ddejavvu]

omg part two for hotch scrolling through your ig pretty please 😭😭 like IMAGINE penelope gathering the rest of the gang so they can collectively stalk your instagram and she accidentally likes one of your pictures while lurking

Penelope isn't often scared of Hotch, because the man has a soft spot for her, and she knows it. But now he's staring at her with a stern glare, something she's not usually on the receiving end of. She shifts on her heels, strangely speechless.

"Sir? Is everything okay?"

He lets her suffer in silence for a moment longer, then gestures towards his phone face-up on the desk. It's lit up with a text notification, and she faintly recognizes the name that it's attached to.

Y/N Y/L/N: Isn't this your computer whiz?

"Open it." Hotch instructs, his voice unfailingly calm, which sets Penelope even further on edge. She reaches out with a trembling finger to tap on the notification and it opens your thread, the screen entirely consumed with a screenshot you'd taken of your instagram. Sure enough, in your notifications page is a note: baby_girl_penny_g liked your photo.

"Um," Penelope stalls, and despite her rampant creativity, she can't bring herself to fib, "Well, I- the tags were-"

"There were no hashtags," Hotch stops her in her tracks, "The only way you could have found that photo was on her profile. How long ago was that posted?"

Penelope scrolls to the bottom of the post even though she doesn't want to, and mutters "2018."

"Five years ago. Five-" Hotch steels himself before he gets too upset, pinching the slim bridge of his nose, "Garcia, did Morgan tell you about this?"

"it wasn't his fault," She pleads his case, "I could tell there was something on his mind! So I got him, like, super drunk, and we-"

"Penelope, this was none of your business." Hotch speaks over her. He doesn't like cutting her off, but he knows her, and she'll talk for hours just to try and weasel her way back into his good graces. He watches her squirm with a stern expression, hands folded on his desk while he clenches his jaw.

"I won't tell anyone else." She promises weakly, and Aaron raises a single eyebrow at her. Secret-keeping is not her forte, and they both know it.

"Okay, so-" She crumples, "I- I totally will. But Hotch, we're gonna be happy for you! I'm already happy for you, you deserve this! You deserve love, even if you try to use this job as an excuse not to find it! You found it, and you should own it."

"I purposefully did not share the status of my relationship with our team. It was meant to be private."

Penelope regains some of her boldness now, even in the face of Hotch's scowl, "Well tough shit, Hotchner! We love you, and we were all there when you lost Haley! We watched you die inside, and we deserve to watch you live again! We are part of your family, Hotch, whether you like it or not, and we're not gonna walk away just because you get snippy with us! So help me, Hotch, I will handcuff myself to you until you realize that we are here. We are here, and we love you, and we always will! You can tell us about your life, because we want to enjoy it with you."

Perhaps she shouldn't have been so forward. Perhaps she shouldn't have said the H-word, or brought up Hotch's infuriating tendency to distrust people's care for him not out of malice, but out of self-loathing. Perhaps she should have hung her head and apologized, but Penelope Garcia is headstrong, and she does not fear the tense wrath of Aaron Hotchner simply for loving him.

For a moment, she worries that she's flaunted a red cape around a bull. Reid's words echo in her mind about how it's nothing to do with the color red, and everything to do with the movement of the fabric, but now is not the time, Doctor Reid, thank you very much. She waits for him to charge, knows he'll withdraw now that she's faced him with the terror of being known, of being cared for, and she can feel her heart sink to the nearly-numb heels of her feet.

Then something in his jaw shifts, and he glances away from her, blinking.

"Thank you." He murmurs, and she thinks she may have heard him wrong.

"What?" She whispers, and he gnaws at the inside of his cheek, caving it in.

"Thank you. For being firm with me." He clarifies, "I... I'm glad that you're here."

Tears spring to her eyes and she nods vigorously, incapable of speech but overflowing with emotion. He swallows, clearing his throat, "In the future, please do not stalk my romantic partners. And... in the future, I will introduce you, so that you don't need to stalk them."

"Okay," She grins through her misty eyes, letting him steer the conversation back towards his comfort zone, "Okay, Hotch. We love you. And- and we're really happy for you, and can I please go and tell the others?"

He laughs despite himself, and doesn't bother steeling himself into composure anymore. He grins, "Fine. But leave out the details of her most recent posts, please."

"The ones where she talks about being sore in the mornings?" She fixes him with a devious grin, already making for the door intent on shouting the news from the rooftops, "I won't say it in the bullpen, 'cause Reid couldn't handle it, but I'm totally gossiping with the girls about it, Hotch."

[hamiltonaf]

Payback | Kylian Mbappé

Pairing: Kylian Mbappé x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.4K

Warnings: Cursing

A/N: My apologies for not posting part 2 of ‘One More Dance’, I’ve been so busy and I’m currently working on it so hopefully it will be up soon. Inspo is from an old tiktok trend. Enjoy .xo

(Y/F/N) - Your Friend’s Name

The thud of heavy rain drops hitting against my window set the mood to do absolutely nothing today. Though it doesn't work like that today since I have an assignment due in a few days time. It would also be ideal to cuddle someone right about now but that's out of the question because of a certain someone.

After completing half of my assignment, which I was quite satisfied with, I decided to call it a day for work and take advantage of the gloomy weather.

Taking a look at Instagram was a bad idea since I came across rumours of Kylian dating another girl. So much for breaking up a month ago and wanting to 'focus on football'. His excuse still bothers me since it was a poor one after dating for almost 3 years. I don't see a change of performance on the pitch if I’m being honest. I guess everything happens for a reason, maybe we're just not meant to be.

I mean if he moved on then so should I, right ? It then hit me that I should spice things up and give something for people to talk about. We’ll excuse my petty behaviour and blame it on the weather for making me somewhat evil. Before causing some drama, I called (Y/F/N), "Ello !" she answered. "Hey girly ! How are you doing on this beautiful day ?" I asked. "Ugh I’m so bored, you have no idea” she whined. “But never mind me, how are you doing more specifically ?” She asked curiously. “I’m doing okay, but-“ “I can already tell something is up your sleeve” she cut me off.

“Damn you really know me well” I pouted. “Of course ! Otherwise I wouldn’t be your bestie. Anywho, spill the tea…I’m all ears” she said enthusiastically. “So word of mouth right now on insta is that he is dating someone else, there’s literally pictures of them at dinner together” I rolled my eyes. “Shut up ! What the actual fuck dude. That’s so messed up. He’s such an ass” she yelled. “Yeah yeah I mean it hurts but the only way for my petty ass to get over it is-“ “If you do the same thing” she finished my sentence.

“Exactly ! So remember that TikTok we wanted to try out ages ago where one of us is dressed up as the guy and take out a bunch of pictures to look like a couple” I reminded her. “Oh my god ! Our time has finally come ! Okay I’m on my way, I’ll literally be there in like 5 mins” she said lastly before ending the call.

As soon as (Y/F/N) came over, we went straight to my dresser and got working on her makeup. We started by accentuating her veiny yet bony hands and then contoured her cheekbones, as well as her jawline to look more masculine. I failed to mention how smart she is, she came through with a bouquet of my favourite flowers so I had something else to post about.

Once we were done with her makeup, she slipped into one of my high heels so she was much taller than me. With her oversized hoodie and cap on you’d literally think that she’s a guy - a hot one at that too. I changed into a black slip dress and took off my shoes to spice up the picture, and exaggerate her height.

When (Y/F/N) came up behind me in the mirror, we both burst out laughing over how accurate she looked to a guy. “Shit. Even I would date me” she said before getting serious and wrapped her arms around my waist. After a few pictures of my head tilted and her face nuzzled into my neck, we finally had the picture. Her side profile looked so sharp, it’s actually insane.

After all of this, I suddenly felt hesitant to post for some odd reason that even (Y/F/N) noticed. I think it was pretty obvious how long I was staring at the pictures. “Girl don’t hold back now, just do it. He should see that you also moved on” she wiggled her brows. “You got a point there” I said to myself. I then uploaded 2 stories, one of the bouquet and one of us together - both simply captioned with a white heart. “If I saw this for the first time, I’d literally scream. Everyone is gonna lose their minds, especially him” she smirked. “Feels good to throw this back at him” I smirked back. “Welcome to the dark side bestie” she patted my back. “Anywho I need to run, got a few errands. Love you and call me later to update me on the drama. I’ll desperately be waiting for your call” she said as she gathered her things. “Of course ! Will do. Thanks bestie” I quickly hugged her before she hurriedly left.

I proceeded to spending the rest of my afternoon binging on early 2000's chick flicks, it wasn't until the evening when I decided to check my phone again that I noticed how many notifications I received. My notifications were the highest its ever been, well shit. We love to see it I guess.

I received countless tags on reposts as well as comments from fans, and surprisingly messages from family - understandable how many messages I received since it’s so evident that it’s not Kylian in the pictures. Scrolling through my notifications I decided to ignore all until my eyes landed on Kylian’s contact name, 'Kyky'. Surprise surprise.

"Heyy" the text read, I rolled my eyes, I don't have time for a conversation starter. I left him on read and proceeded with watching my movies. It wasn't even 5 minutes and my phone started to ring. It was Kyky calling. My heart started racing, I was hesitant to answer the call because what are we going to talk about and why call now ?

"Hello" he greeted. "Hey" I answered plainly. "Are you busy ?" He asked curiously. "Well kind of.. I'm actually just getting ready to leave" I said with a devious smile creeping onto my face. "Oh. Erm okay never mind" he said disappointed. "Why ?" I raised a brow. "I'm actually outside your apartment" he said embarrassed "No way" I said lowly to myself. "Have a look" he said as I then walked towards my front door and was met with his face. I ended the call and looked at him in shock, "You- here- like..what are you doing here ?" I asked.

"Can I come in please ?" He asked pleadingly. "What for ?" I asked back. "To talk about us" he said. "Theirs no us anymore. Theirs nothing for us to talk about" I said as I was about to close the door. "Wait. Just give me a chance" he said softly. "Theirs literally no point. You moved on..I moved on-" "You have another boyfriend already ?" He asked in shock. "I'm offended that you think I'm not capable of moving on so soon" I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest.

"So you must've known this guy whilst we were dating ?" He asked as he started to grow angry. "Yeah so ?" I scoffed. "You were just waiting for us to break up so you can date this guy" he said as he started to raise his voice. "You literally did the same thing. You made it seem like it was such a simple break up for your own good, but for the last 2 weeks you're rumoured to be with another girl !"I said as I started to grow annoyed. "Yes, but she's just a friend" he said.

"Funny how we’ve been together for so long and I never met this friend before" I said. Just then my next door neighbour yelled at us for raising our voices. "Please do yourself a favour and leave" I said as I shut the door. I then heard rattling of the door and in came Kylian. "You weren't invited inside" I said. "Well I had a spare key" he said as he held up the key. "That was supposed to be returned to me when we broke up" I said as I snatched the key from his hand and went to sit on my couch. “Also, how could you act surprised that I moved on when you’re literally here after I posted a picture with another guy ?” I questioned. He then sat beside me, "Can you just stop talking about that idiot ? I came here to talk about us…How do I make you love me again?"

"Love ? Dream on" I half laughed. "I'm being serious" he said as he looked between my eyes. "Forget about me loving you. How do I know that you love me ?" I asked. "Well I missed you all this time so I came back" he smiled. "It's not that simple. If you truly loved me as you say, you wouldn't have wanted to break up after all these years" I said. "Look I'm sorry okay ? I really am. I wish I could go back in time and reverse what I did...I just needed some time to myself to think about my future personal life and I kept imagining you in it..." he said as he gently moved a strand away from my face.

"Don't play with me right now" I warned. "No jokes. I love you. I really do, and I want to continue to spend the rest of my life with you" he said as he held my hands. "Okay cute. Anyways I have to go meet my boyfriend. It was nice of you to stop by..I'll think about it" I huffed as I got up. He grabbed a hold of my wrist and pulled me towards him to sit on his lap. "Stop lying" he smirked. "What makes you think I'm lying ?" I raised a brow. "I know your facial expressions when you lie. I just know you all too well because you literally could've left the second you opened your door instead of coming back inside" He said with a smile.

"Well I've changed my mind, I rather be with him right now" I shrugged. "I want my old (Y/N) back" he pouted. "She left the building the day you left her" I said lastly and got up to walk to my room. "Ouch" he pouted as he followed behind me. "I still love you no matter what. Always have and always will" I gave him a brief look before pretending to rummage through my closet. "So is this how it's going to be ?" He asked as he leaned back in my bed and watched me. "I told you that I need to think about it" I said as I continued to skim through my closet. "I'm not going until we stop fighting" he said casually "This isn't fighting. People don't get back together based off 5 minutes of talking to them after a whole month" I said as he stood up to stand in front of me.

"I like it when you're angry" he said as he got closer. "Don't" I said softly as I looked down. He lifted my head to meet his eyes as he cupped my cheeks, his thumb tracing over my lips. "You're making this harder" I pouted. Just when his lips were a mere centimetre away, he mumbled "It shouldn’t be hard if you have a boyfriend…Should I stop ?"

I hesitated to answer. To give up the game and kiss him or keep annoying him. “I can’t” I faked a pout. “Why not ?” His mood dropped. “I can’t do this to Nico” I said as I looked down. “Fuck Nico !” He yelled. “How the hell do you even know this guy ?” He asked frustrated. “We met at a party” I answered casually. “Besides him, it’s wrong of you to cheat on your girlfriend” I said looking everywhere else but him. He walked closer which made me take a step back, my back hitting against the wall. He placed his hands on either side of me, cornering me. “I just told you that she’s a friend and nothing more” he tried to say calmly. “I’m not convinced” I shrugged.

“Forget about her, she’s irrelevant right now. I came to claim back what was once mine. If I have to fight this stupid so called boyfriend of yours, then I will” he said as he inched his face closer to mine. There was a moment of silence. Both of us holding eye contact and switching between looking at each others eyes and lips. He leaned in and I didn’t stop him. It was a sweet soft peck. His forehead against mine, he sighed and said "I'll give you your space.” I surprised myself by grabbing a hold of his hand and pulling him back into place. “What’s wrong ?” He asked. “You’ll fight for me ?” I teased. “I know that I’m not fighting anyone because you’re lying, but if I have to then I will” he said as his hands were on my waist.

“How can you tell I’m lying ?” I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck. “Besides reading your facial expressions, we wouldn’t be in this position right now” he said. “Or doing this” he said softly before placing his lips on mine. I pulled him closer against me and just then he broke away from the kiss. “I think I should go” he teased. "No no wait just a little more" I hushed him as I pulled him closer to connect our lips once again.

[olivhits]

Comparison

Kook! Rafe Cameron x Pogue! Reader

Summary: Y/n sees Rafe’s new girlfriend who is completely perfect different from her

Warnings: Anguish, probably a little bad because I’m new to it?

If you like it, short and comment, it helps a lot

It was a normal Friday while, I spent time on Instagram I tried my best not to enter his account or see anything related to him

My friend had told me to delete all my accounts on social networks, and never enters them again but I'm not going to deprive myself of something because of a boy who broke up with me by message after 1 year of dating

And soon after I bitterly regret not listening to her in the next story was Topper Rafe was smiling at a blonde who was completely opposite of me

And without much thought I clicked on her profile that was really opposite of me was a profile of a girl from the rich part of the city that he said he hated these girls who only cared about fame and her makeup, ironic, isn't it? Now he's dating the guy he hated who preferred girls who didn't put on makeup

The first photo she had on her profile was of a cheerleader which was ironic since it was my dream to do but in the auditions I was eliminated for being too "hard" and clearly it was a lie it was because it was a pogue

The second picture of her was of her smiling in the pool in a bikini that really killed me she was all I wasn't, she had the perfect smile her teeth all white and her body had no burn mark different from mine since she helped my parents in her restaurant

The next photo was a week behind her and Rafe's smiling at each other, he gave me that same look but the difference was that he didn't want to take pictures or even have been seen with me

Of course he wouldn't want to be seen with a pogue that could easily ruin his image of Rei kook on the island is by his self-interested friends who only liked him for marijuana and his money

I leave Instagram falling on bed and closing my eyes hard wanting to forget this information and try not to cry for a man who doesn't deserve any tears from me

-Daughter, can you cover my shift at the restaurant today?- I open my eyes realizing that I have to think about more important things than my former asshole who must be having sex like his new girlfriend

And from the bottom of my heart I hope she abandons you in the same way you did to me, I hate you rafe cameron

[nomorespahgetti]

I was listening to one of my favorite songs— It ain’t me babe— which is one that I listen to all the time and suddenly it hit me. I was fully ready to come out months ago. There was a girl I had reconnected with (TOTAL second chance romance) and it was just insane how normal and comfortable we were instantly. With her I just had this urge to be myself, and to tell the whole world. It was Halloween, and we were going to have a sleepover the next day and we had a couples costume planned (bunny and a carrot). I got a text from her, and she was so sorry. She was so terribly sorry for leading me on. She said how awful she felt, but that after all this time she didn’t really think she was gay.

I felt betrayed, and I felt disgusted with myself. I felt like I had ruined myself, and there was no hope anymore. I felt hurt— hurt that she would reach out to me and reconnect the old flame we had just to end it again. I see her account pop up on Instagram; I didn’t have the nerve to block her. I cared too much. Her profile picture? Her and her boyfriend.

I’ve covered this song for my music production class, listened to it hundreds of times, and only now did I realize why it makes me so emotional. I’m not the one she wants, and she’s not the one I’m looking for.

[madphantom]

The entire way my boyfriend and I got together is INSANE in hindsight because like:

Last year I went to a camp with some friends and on the first evening, a pretty young and nervous guy had a panic attack / existential crisis because it suddenly clicked for him that he was away from all parental control for the first time. I was trying to calm him down when this random punky guy with massive earrings showed up to see if he could help. Upon hearing my friend ask "is anything even real?" he fucking. Pushes his dentures out of his mouth with his tongue like some kind of unexpected eldritch horror and as we are properly freaked out, says "These definitely aren't real. Hi, I'm [REDACTED] by the way, and you?"

What followed was an about four hour long conversation during which he mentioned that he talks a lot in his sleep and that his favourite animals are hyaenas and at this point I had a total crush on him but was kind of too shy to say anything because he seemed entirely too cool for me, so instead of behaving like a normal person I spent the next several days playing table tennis for hours because he basically lived at the tennis table.

Then came the last day and I kind of awkwardly hovered around him trying to ask him for his number, but then my phone battery swelled up and almost exploded and then it started pouring raining and finally I was sitting in my friend's car and cursing myself because I had absolutely no way to contact him and nothing to go by except for a first name.

So I. Did some detective work. Went through the entire follower list of the camp's Instagram page. And as it turns out, only one person with that name followed them, and that person just happened to wear huge silver earrings in their profile picture, anddd he accepted my follow request so wahoo! I found him!

Then we didn't talk to each other for two months.

Two months later, I went to another camp which had been advertised in the first one. I was there a day earlier than the official start but kind of forgot that it hadn't officially started yet, so when he didn't show up that day I just assumed he wasn't coming and gave up. Cut to me on day two, the entire camp is gathered and the shifts are being distributed, and the girl distributing asks who wants to take the awareness shift for the next day, someone behind me raises their hand, she asks "what's your name?" and I get a mini heart attack when I hear a familiar voice say "I'm [REDACTED]".

Turns out he did show up. We pretty much immediately started telling each other how the last two months were and then we ended up talking until like two in the morning, and that's pretty much how it went every day, we were just yapping basically 24/7 until he had to practically beg me to go to sleep.

On the second to last day one of my friends mentioned that the weather at home would be great for a barbecue, so I got an idea. In an honestly fucking ridiculous move, I decided to have a barbecue among my friends and invite him so it's not too awkward. I threw a whole ass party because I could not bear to awkwardly invite my crush, and amazingly, despite initial hesitation, he agreed to come.

After the second camp we started texting on Instagram. A month later he did indeed show up at the barbecue and we had a lot of fun. He brought me a couple cans of his favourite mate brand. After that we didn't see each other for four months.

In January he wanted to come to my hometown for a protest, but the trains were on strike. In February we tried again, this time successful. Had some fun times exchanging gossip. I invited him to my birthday.

He showed up at my birthday. Some of my friends had a fight and he spent a lot of time outside with my best friend smoking. At some point she, apparently, told him "well, I know for a fact you're very important to Maddie" which tbh is the most bizarre way to tell someone I have a huge crush on them. Long story short, he couldn't stay long that evening, so he asked if he could make up for it by stopping by the next weekend.

The next weekend was the first time we actually spent a significant amount of time together alone. We hiked up to this hilltop where you can see the entire city and basically told each other our entire life story and then we hung out a bit with some of my friends in the university film studio to warm up because it was kind of chilly and it was nice and we agreed that we should repeat that.

Easter came around. The week before he asked if he could come around for two days in a row and I was like of fucking course, so he did. Brought an entire palette of our now mutual favourite mate brand because I mentioned the nearby supermarket stopped selling it. We spent the day together and at some point in the afternoon he turned to me and asked "are we just hanging out or is this a date?" and all I could say was "uh" and the conversation just kind of died there because I'm dumb as rocks.

Later that evening I took him to one of my favourite spots in the city, a plateau right under a motorway bridge where you can see the entire city, and we drank mate and watched the city lights and then he turns to me and goes "I wasn't gonna make any stupid decisions anymore, but I think this might not be one of them - I think I'm in love with you"

And I was grinning like a maniac, but it was dark, and he couldn't see my face and was like "SAY SOMETHING PLEASE" so dumb as I am I replied "DITTO" and then he talked about how important consent is to him and asked if we could kiss. And then we kissed, and then he gifted me a steel ring with a heart on it and I gifted him a kandi bracelet with ACAB spelled out on it, and then I got to tell him I'd been pining for him like a stupid lovesick moron for eight months while he was completely sure he was going to die alone and then we walked home holding hands and counting bats and ever since we've been a dream team.

And to think it all started because Dennis had a fucking panic attack.

[nattaphum]

Apo Nattawin x Vogue Men - June 2023 issue

Translation by MileapoSafePlace

CROSSING THE STREAM OF LIFE

It is said that if you want to know the true self of someone, try going through their Instagram profile of that person thoroughly and we'll see their character from what they posted.

If you stalk* Apo Nattawin Wattanagitiphat's IG profile, you can sense some feeling that connects the pictures together. Even though those posts are from different places/locations, different times, and different contexts, but most of the pictures communicate Apo's sense of self quite clearly. And.. if you want to get to know Apo's at a deeper level, try and Follow IG: @apovision, his personal profile where he collects pictures he took himself. Even though there are only some hundred thousands followers, which is considered low compared to the main profile @nnattawin of 3.4M followers, what connects the two profiles is the portrayal of his artistic self

"Po's characteristic, i think that Po is quite an intriguing person because even Po-self, myself, cannot predict myself as well."

Po answered when Vogue asked about his true personality. He didn't seem like a hard-to-know person, but sometimes it's not easy because Apo has his own world.

"I really love the naturalness/authenticity within myself. Po's character and personality is similar to a cat. I act according to the mood. If I want to do it, I'll do it, if I don't want to do it, I won't do it. (laughs). When I play, I play hard. Whenever I do anything, I just enjoy it to the fullest. When I'm quiet, I'd be quiet. Which like a cat, Po will have Po's own world"

Even though, in real life, he is a person who lives according to his mood and has his own world highly introverted, when it comes to work, Apo will give it his all and be very serious.

We can feel it from the way he talks about work, he'll give all the details, until you can clearly see the picture of what it takes before the work is completed, how hard he had to really prepare.

"I want to work to come out great, everytime that work is done, i will always look back whether I've done my best on that day or not, can I do it better?, do I regret if that time has passed?, it makes me look back at that timeline, in which at that age I could that much, with this age, can I do more than that?; therefore, the criteria i use to accept the work I do, i will ask myself all the time whether I can do it or not, if I can, to what degree can I do it, is that work over my ability or not, if it's above my ability, if I accept that work would I improve or not. I will continuously ask myself these things because if i got the answer that 'if I take the job that is challenging and it makes Po grow/develop, (I)will do it. But if (I) take it and feel that (I) wouldn't grow from doing that, (I) won't do it."

"The thing that (I) learned from the entertainment industry is managing the expectations of myself and of others, and... thinking ahead of myself that stems from myself such as egotism. Whenever this happens, it'll make it harder for us to work, less motivated, the efficiency when working will also decrease"

The clear sense of self in himself makes Apo challenge himself in new kinds of work continuously. He often brings out tactics in managing (things) with work to refine the details for him to know the purpose of working in certain projects.

"The method i use for working with the projects is using the What, When, Where, Why, How" I will ask myself before going to work time, and analyze deeper and deeper, talk with myself again and again, which is what I use with every work, no matter if it's acting, MC/host, or fashion. I will ask myself, where am I going, going with who, going to what work/event, who will be there, what does this work/event want (what's the goal), and what do they want me to do"

With questioning himself in detail, it makes him (able to) present certain sides of himself through his work regularly. Even though the role (he receives) is different from his first steps ten years ago, until today Apo has always had more challenging roles, which he looks at it in a way that no matter whoever tells him he's successful in whatever way, he will still have to keep on developing.

"I have to continue developing everyday. The word "Came this far" is not far for me. (You) can measure it from our learning, as for what are the things we've learned from the first day we step into (this industry) ten years ago. I have to develop all (that I've learned). For instance, if we did something well, it doesn't mean that we'll do it well tomorrow. or we might not be able to do it as well as today. Everything is a learning (process). Someone once told me that they're 50 already and still have to learn, develop themselves all the time. Therefore, i, myself, have to continue developing (myself) in every way."

The past year, he continuously developed his work in various aspects as he intended to. One of his dreams is to work with an international team, which has already come true that is to attend Dior's (fashion) twice.

"I just had the time to sit down and look at the pictures of what I've done this year. It's like a dream krub. It was so cool. Dior is a brand with heritage, their image has been curated really well. Both the taste and the brand's vision. Being part of the show allows us to learn, getting to know how they think, plan, or how they prepare things. Which influences us in the way that we ask ourselves 'What are we doing there? What did they want us to do? How do we have to prepare and position ourselves? I am quite proud of the way we (Po and BOC) prepared ourselves. When we arrived, we weren't disappointed because we're fully prepared, and can handle the nerves quite well. The (Dior) show was great/such an extravaganza, and it's just perfect for Dior's brand. (The way they) choose each person to go is also appropriate. It was something that i had to learn. I'm very proud to be able to go"

Apo said that in 5 years ahead, he hopes to be able to work with international brands in a definitive way.

"But as to what it will be, have to wait and see krub. Because this past time, the plans that (we) had, have completely changed. Like, even if i said i will go to Hua Hin, while driving, i might stop by here or there, or might just park the car and walk. Like no matter, let's just get to Hua Hin, but if you don't make it to Hua Hin, at least i get to go to Petchaburi, get to go to Cha Am, (and) i am already happy. Like whether it happens or not, it's the future, but if it does happen (I'lI) be happy."

On Man Suang:

Coming soon, he is going to have the first mega film, Apo said that it's another challenge as an actor.

"The role in Man Suang is very challenging because of the description of the scenes, description of the characters' self, including each and every moment/action in detail. In Po's part that is an actor, we have to portray the words (in the script) into a picture (the film)"

Apo had to lose 3-4 kilograms to fit the role of an actor in old theater/plays that has to wear the Thai traditional dresses and look beautiful.

"I think that this film is fun/entertaining. We haven't seen Thai films with a plot like this in such a long time. Plus, the mixing the arts of different cultures together. It's very exquisite and very challenging."

Even though he said that it's tiring, and every shoot took up all his energy, what (he) got in return is valuable to his heart.

"What (I) got back is the pride and proudness of being a Thai person. As a person born in Thailand, (I) believe that people around the world would be proud of the Thainess and Thai culture that will be portrayed through this film as well"

Seeing that you are this serious when it comes to work, when you let loose, what does Apo do?

"When I have free time, I find a place to take a walk around l. Walk in the park or around secondhand/vintage markets, sometimes (I) walk in the mall, or by the river, old town etc. When i let loose, i will turn off the phone, i don't care about anything at all, also don't limit myself to what I'II do. Do what I want, will shower whenever I want to shower. Leave the house whenever I want to, no plan at all, very chilled, like there's nothing I have to worry about in this life"

When asked about his perspective on life that once he jokingly said that no one would like (him), Apo said that he believe in "suitability".

"I think that when we find true love or the relationship that is suitable for us, we'll be calm/serene. If everything falls into its place or is the right time, love will happen on its own without us having to try to do anything. Because when it comes to relationships, it's something we cannot force, it's something that happens naturally. We cannot force anyone to love us or for us to love them. Beauty will occur when everything falls into its place."

Therefore, these days his love is given to his work and the fans, like 100%. Apo often shares positive messages on Instagram story as an inspiration/encouragement to his followers.

"In whichever way that I can be an encouragement for everyone, i will do it. I want to tell the fans thank you for supporting my work all this time, all the work that came out, i really gave it my all. Please stay and keep an eye on future work, including this Vogue issue too. Thank you very much"

[minthandsoap]

play the game, first lines

thank you friend @perpetualproductions for the tag!!!

rules: List the first lines of your last 10 published fics and see if there’s a pattern. (these are all limoreau)

The Little Things:

Marie was always better at words between the two of them.  Always the one to ask the questions, make the apologies for being a little too loud in the library, says the “please” and “thank yous.” From the most stuck up professors to fucking newborn babies, she could melt hearts and bend anyone’s wills with just a few expertly crafted sentences and that dazzling smile. 

2. She's Perfect (I Hate Her)

Jordan had never encountered anyone as utterly infuriating as Marie Moreau. Her grace, her flawless beauty, and her ability to charm everyone in her path grated on Jordan's nerves like nails on a chalkboard.

3. Marie and Jordan go to the Beach!

The sun peeked over the horizon, painting the sky in hues of pink and orange as Jordan navigated the winding roads leading to the coastline. Marie sat beside them in the front passenger seat, her excitement easily seen by the smile on her face, as the salty scent of the sea teased her senses.

4. Crowned; Not Convinced (ooooh the day I ever come back to this)

Marie ran her hands down her body, staring at her reflection before the full length mirror in front of her. Her skin shimmered gorgeously underneath the chandelier light, sparkling with the glitter oil lathered on her body. Her vibrant crimson gown, an enchanting embodiment of silk and shimmering thread, clung to her curves like a second skin.

5. i wanna make you feel good (teehee the first lines make me blush)

Marie's body was bent in half over the arm of Jordan’s couch, her fingers gripping tightly onto the cushion as Jordan pounded into her with wild abandon. Her moans and gasps filled the dorm, mixing with the sounds of flesh slapping against flesh. At this moment, all thoughts and worries disappeared from her mind, replaced with the primal pleasure coursing through her body.

6. imma keep you in mind pt. 1

“Told you, this is Marie. She’s the one that I was telling you guys about.” 

Jordan’s gaze, which was initially fixed on his phone scrolling through random Instagram profiles, snapped sharply back to the sidewalk as footsteps, soft but purposeful, punctuated the rhythmic hum of the late night, Marie.

7. Disguise (on ao3)

Marie cloaked in the anonymity of the dimly lit underground club, felt an amazing sense of liberation. Here, beneath the dimmed lights and the harmony of music, she could shed the masks she wore in the everyday world. Here, she could simply be.

8. Jordan Teaches Marie How to Drive pt 2

“Baby,” Jordan felt a tap on their shoulder. 

“Jordan? Wake up,”  Marie’s hushed voice whispered into their ear. 

9. be my valentine?

The rising sunlight tickled Marie's eyelids, rousing her with the promise of the sweetest fucking day ever. It was Valentine's Day, her first ever in a relationship, and her first ever with Jordan and her heart was beating with excitement. Every detail of her meticulously planned surprise for her partner, buzzed in her mind the entire night before. She was surprised she managed to get any sleep.

10. im yours if you'll have me?

The clock hadn't even chimed 5:00 AM when Jordan tiptoed into Marie's room, the only light a soft orange glow of a picture of the two of them emanating from their phone. He watched her sleep, her chest rising and falling peacefully, a small smile playing on her lips. It was a smile he always tried to protect, to keep on her.

summary!!!

I tend to go straight into action, like almost every time. never any world building or setting up, I just jump straight into it!

my writing is strangely inconsistent. not all, but a few has made me tilt my head and think "I wouldn't have written that now." I still love what I've put out but some I definitely would've spent more time on before just thrusting it into the eyes of everyone.

tasking myself with rewriting all of my fics.

[anitalianfrie]

i'm curious about any commentary you have about this is a love story 👀

beside the like,literal hours i spent trying to code that fucking thing, i realized after the first article and maybe, three posts that i needed a plot. or at least, a resemblance of a plot. a sequence of events that would happen and that then had to be filtered through the social media lens and through the eyes of the characters. I had to build the reconciliation organically, i couldn't just write ten posts on them and call it a day because then it wouldn't have worked.

Luckily our community was of great aid in this, and a lot of the posts i put in it, like reblogs or quotes, were directly taken from my dash around the days i wrote that specific section of the story. Like, when we where having the collective leatherboys breakdown, i decided to put it in the story. or the motogpconfession one, i think i wrote it the day after adora unearthed those posts.

i had a piece of paper on which i wrote down all the events i wanted to happen and then i assigned a race/time period to it. I ended up sending vale to like, eight or nine races in the process but i think i was able to cut it down to seven in the fic. Also i refused to check any of the wec races because it could have ruined everything (and it would have, because i'm pretty sure he will race the same weekend as sepang). i was already going crazy reworking the instagram skin, the wec schedule was not going to be my problem.

one of the most difficult things to write was the rockstar au (that now i love very dearly) because. i didn't know what to write about. I knew i needed to put an au in the story, simply because our community is so profilic in writing them, but i had literally zero ideas. i swear to god, i went on an alternate universe generator site and cliked generate about a thousand times before i got this idea.

the non-text most difficult thing i did was enea's gifs because i used my phone and the app sucked majorly. 0/10 do not recommend that's the reason he's the only one i giffed and then simply reblogged repsol-ariel.

also, all the posts i took from tumblr, so reblogs and such, are actually from the blog with the username i wrote in the fic. in some cases their pfp is also the one of their blogs (this ended pretty soon tho because i was about to kill myself so i simply got random pictures on pinterest)

the easiest article to write was gogue's, even if it was the longest and more complex, because i'll be honest i'm really not made for dry sport journalism. I'm quite proud of it, actually. Describing him talking about Valentino was one of my favourite things, but also I loved the possibility to write glimps of his relationship with Alex.

also: i wrote vale's interview for skyITA after marc and bez's incident in italian and then translated it. i started writing it in english, but then i realized it wouldn't have worked, because i was thinking with the english sentence structure. So i thought: what could valentino say? and wrote it as if he was talking, pauses and not-ended sentences. then i took that and translated it the same way i do when i translate proper interviews or videos, changing the phrasing as little as possible. It was quite fun to do.

(also: cuntress-supreme's username was actually inspired by your username :)) )

[justgracehere]

Blog Post 10/17

This is my gaming avatar, the mii I created on my twelve year old Nintendo Wii. I have chosen to name this avatar after myself, because she is meant to resemble real-life me as closely as she can. She is a little dated, dare I say obsolete, but she encapsulates the essence of myself in this ancient digital world. My creative options were limited, I was forced to tap into my inner artist, the visionary. I have subdued some of the more feminine elements of the Wii’s collection of human characteristics in an effort to avoid the appearance of an eighteenth century French aristocrat. The Wii has rudely denied me the luxury of a shirt, and so has represented me in the guise of a living traffic cone. This blatant confiscation of free choice made me consider the implications of having to decide between a male and female image in a digital space. The feminine design options available in the mii plaza are overtly so, and leave little room for any fluid interpretation of gender. In my case, this has resulted in the only obviously feminine aspect of my design being my lampshade torso. This to me is an obvious example of sexism, which has manifested itself as the removal of options, forcing female users into an extremely feminine mold.

This is the incarnation of me that might be capable of getting a date. It is the profile picture I use for my Instagram account. Since this is an image I already use to represent myself online, I thought it might also make a good dating avatar. This image is my own representation of myself, so I think it most accurately depicts how I view myself. The username I would associate with this image would be Grace.dem, which is a username I use when I would like to incorporate my real name. For my clothing, I have depicted myself wearing a shirt that I own and wear regularly. I thought it would be a good idea to make my dating avatar close to the truth, since I think in this context it would be important to represent myself honestly. Since I am a cartoonist, I apply cartooning principles when I draw myself. Here I have applied many of the principles of drawing female characters, such as a round face shape and narrow neck. These character design concepts are common across media, and so are easily recognizable in online spaces. I apply them here because I identify as a woman, and would like to depict myself with feminine characteristics. 

This is a bitmoji I would be able to use in day-to-day communication. I have adorned myself with a giant bagel so as to cast off the rigid gender boundaries of everyday dress. Kidding, I just like bagels. In actuality, I have based my avatar’s dress off of clothes I would wear in real life. I have applied similar logic to the physical traits of my avatar, and have attempted to create a bitmoji which most closely resembles my real life self. Although I am not someone who gravitates toward the bitmoji method of communication, I did learn from this experience just how much the act of creating a digital avatar has advanced in a social sense. I observed a vast array of options for hairstyles, facial features, and clothing which were not available to me when creating my mii. The creation of avatars as an online persona has developed over time into a much more inclusive practice. With a more diverse selection of characteristics available to them, creators may be more likely to develop avatars which better resemble their actual selves. Where a lack of options may have created a sense of shame around one’s appearance, a more broad selection such as the one represented in the bitmoji creator may empower users to choose options which represent their real life identity.

[tealeavesand-roses]

Status: Read Rating: 3/5 🌟🌟🌟

Tell Me Lies by Carola Lovering. I watched the Hulu show Tell Me Lies trailer two years ago and decided at that moment to keep the show at bay because I wasn't interested in watching something of that caliber. Last week, I found myself browsing endlessly through multiple streaming services, and because the second season of Tell Me Lies just dropped (the advertising for the show has been pretty aggressive), it popped up at the top of my Hulu profile. I decided to throw it on. I binged through the first two episodes and had this visceral reaction to Stephen. His behavior made me feel this constant pit in my stomach because it was reminiscent of someone I had a situationship with a decade ago (click "keep reading" if you want the tea lmao).

Moving on, after binging through the first two episodes, I decided to pause watching the show and quickly read the book. I finished the book within 3 days and was stunned at how even more diabolical Stephen comes across in the book, likely because of how much access we have to Stephens's pov, inner monologue, etc. So far, I'm finding the changes from the book to the show interesting (e.g., morphing Jackie and Pippa into one person and having Macy be Lucy's roommate instead of a childhood acquaintance). I wonder if they'll still have the character Gabe (Macy's older brother) because I feel like this slight change shifts the trajectory of certain plotlines. Overall, the book was fine; the characters aren't necessarily likable, but the content is relatable in the worst ways lol. Hence why, I have a lot of feelings. I think the author did a pretty incredible job of displaying a sociopath with narcissistic attributes. As the reader, you're almost being manipulated by Stephen's plotting and reasoning for his actions, yet simultaneously, you're disgusted with him. Lastly, I wish he had gone to prison for what he did to Macy; I'm pretty upset about that.

*Flashback* I remember once thinking that this person and I had such an amazing evening together, and months later, I saw on his ex's Instagram that he had been with her earlier that evening (the picture was her on his lap, and they were making out). I once saw screenshots of texts that he had sent to a girl, which basically were the same lines he had said to me, down to a t. I had a dream one night that he did something, and the following day, I found out that he had hooked up with my old coworker. I could go on and on, but regardless, I remember feeling like he was calculated and intentional, and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that someone could be so cruel and manipulative. There were probably so many other girls I'll never know about, and that's fine. I'm just glad the situationship only lasted 4 months.

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter thirty six

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

november 5, 2018 san diego, california orion

Spending my 22nd birthday going to visit my new oncologist was not my plan. I hadn’t made much effort to make it happen, but I was hoping to just have a night out in LA with Emelia, her roommates, and some of my classmates. I already had a reservation set up at my favorite rooftop bar for ten people. 

I knew Cal had a show — Amsterdam — so I didn’t expect to get to spend it with him. I figured he’d call me after he got offstage while I was out with my friends and I’d answer, tipsy from a few too many espresso martinis, and it would be sweet and everyone with me would think it was so cute that he was so busy but still so present in our relationship.

Clearly, nothing like that is happening today. The only thing that’s the same is Emelia. She’s coming over tonight. I think my moms are getting us all Thai food and we’ll watch a movie or play a game, and I think we’ll have a bonfire, but the night is looking very differently than what I’d planned months ago. Today is the day I find out how chemo went and whether or not I get to live a little longer.

While Mama drives to the hospital, she and Mom are talking about something I stopped paying attention to a long time ago. I’m grateful both of them are coming with me to learn about my fate. My mind is just spinning and I can’t even pin down a single thought, so I find myself distracting my brain by doomscrolling on social media and reading happy birthday texts. 

From: kaykay (5sos groupies) happy birthday orion! miss ya and love ya! From: crystal (5sos groupies) baby o!!!! we miss you so so much! we’ll all be home soon and want to see your sweet face if you’ll have us. happy birthday ❤️ From: sierra (5sos groupies) sweet orion!! missing you more than ever! happiest of birthdays to the prettiest of girls ❤️

Macy tagged me in an Instagram story of a collage of pictures we have together—random chemo selfies, the night we celebrated her being cancer free, and the tour sendoff party that happened what feels like a lifetime ago. “MOST BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY GIRL EVER! LOVE YOU LONG TIME TY FOR BEING THE BEST” she wrote on top of the photo.

Emelia posted a carousel of our pictures from the past three years, including a very cringey one of us on the first day of class freshman year. We’d somehow shown up to class wearing nearly identical outfits and we decided we were destined to be friends, which was a correct assessment. The most recent one was last week at the beach, when we had a sunset picnic. “Strongest, bravest, kindest, most passionate (and stubborn) girl on the planet. Happy birthday to my soul sister. There’s no one who loves like you and I love having your love in my life. 22 is no match for you! ‘Til death, my friend.” 

Ashton has a photo of us getting gelato in Rome two years ago. I think Giuseppe took the picture, but the memory is blurry. All I remember is how divine my pistachio gelato tasted and how jealous Ash was of how much better mine was than his. In the picture, I’m happily taking a lick from mine while Ashton pouts at me, holding his cup of banana gelato that he’d hardly touched. His caption is short and sweet. “Happy birthday to the best girl I know (sorry @kaykay).”

I don’t follow him anymore, but I pull up Cal’s profile to see if he’s posted any stories or anything else today. When his profile picture indicates that he has posted a story I haven’t viewed, out of habit, I check it. Even if he checks who’s viewed it, I’ll only be one of literal thousands, so I doubt he’ll be able to see me as a viewer. He posted a picture of himself on stage last night, and today, he just took a screenshot of listening to 22 by Taylor Swift on Spotify. 

He’s saying happy birthday, even if he isn’t. 

From: paula (lavapies forever) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FAV ESTADOUNIDENSE!!! love you miss you!!!  From: giuseppe (lavapies forever) oh!! happy birthday orion!!! how did I end up in this group chat….. ? From: marta (lavapies forever) feliz cumple, orion!! te echo de menos!!!  From: ilse (lavapies forever) HAPPY BDAY ORION! ❤️ From: paula (lavapies forever) giu you’re one of the girlies sorry

I haven’t texted the “5SOS groupies” back yet, and am uncertain of whether or not I will, but I do text back my former flatmates (and Giuseppe). 

To: lavapies forever muchisimas gracias!!!! miss you all!!! also, have some news for you guys From: ilse (lavapies forever) FINALLY From: paula (lavapies forever) when were you gonna tell us you guys broke up!!!!!! what happened?!?!?!? From: marta (lavapies forever) seriously! how could you not tell us?! but yes what happened we are dying to know the details From: giuseppe (lavapies forever) oh yeah fran asked if i knew anything but obviously i do not  To: lavapies forever so… its not so much that i need to tell you about the breakup? i don’t know how else to say it than to just say it so i’m just gonna say it i have leukemia so cal and i broke up i’m actually on my way to the doctor rn to see how my chemotherapy treatments went

When the group chat activity halts, I know they’re now all confused and in shock. My friends aren’t exactly known for not having something to say. I leave the WhatsApp app to give them time to process and go to my regular messages to see who else has reached out.

From: lucas Hey, O. Just popping in to say happy birthday! Sent you a Venmo—have a martini on me. Hope you’re doing okay!

Every other notification is just miscellaneous family members and a few classmates who are just as out of the loop as the general public is on what’s happening in my life. I guess I should probably share something on my social media about what’s going on. I don’t want the fans to know, but I can tell my classmates and people I actually know. I decide I’ll post something later today, once I’ve heard whatever news that the oncologist is about to share with me. 

Right when I’m locking my phone, it starts buzzing with an incoming Facetime from Paula. I tell my moms I’ll be on a call before I answer.

“Hey,” I say as her face fills my screen.

“I wish you’d told me sooner,” is how Paula starts the call. 

I frown. “It’s kinda hard to say over text. I’m sorry.”

“So call! Orion, what the hell! This is huge and I don’t know why you wouldn’t think we’d want to know!” 

I contemplate what to say next. I should be an expert at this after having to break the news Calum. “If it makes you feel better, I didn’t tell Cal until last month.” 

Paula’s mouth drops and I can tell she’s about to dwell on this instead of the actual news. “So he broke up with you?!” 

“What? No!” I sigh. “No, I broke up with him.” 

Her face contorts with confusion and she shakes her head, the idea rattling around in her brain. “You broke up with him?! Because you have cancer?!”

“Please don’t make me talk about this, Pau, it’s all anyone wants to talk about and I’m tired of it.” 

“No! We are going to talk about this! You guys are perfect together and you broke up with him in the middle of a life threatening diagnosis? What the fuck, Orion?” 

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?” I beg. “It’s my birthday. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow and I’ll let you know how things went today.”

She groans. “Fine, but only because it’s your birthday!” 

“Orion,” Mama says, catching my attention. “We’re here.”

I nod and look back to my phone. “¿Hablaremos mañana?”

Pau nods. “Mañana.”

Paula and I hang up then, and I tuck my phone into the pocket on my black sweatpants. We get out of the car and walk to the door of the cancer center, checking in at the desk and going to the waiting room. I feel like I’ve done all of this a million times now, but I haven’t felt this nervous about it in a long time. 

They call my name to come back, and we trudge slowly after the nurse and we sit in a sterile exam room that looks just like every other sterile exam room in the world. While we wait for the doctor to come in, my moms and I sit in silence. I don’t think anyone wants to say anything. I know I don’t.

Five minutes of waiting later and then there’s a knock on the door. My new doctor, Dr. Gupta, walks in with his clipboard and the nurse in tow. He takes a seat on the wheeled stool and moves it closer to me so that we’re only about a foot or two apart. 

“Good morning,” he says. “And, happy birthday.”

I give him a tense smile. “Thanks.” 

I had to come in last week for another biopsy and a full blood panel again to be able to assess the status of my cancer, so today is literally just to talk about the results. They also have me a full body exam to check my lymphnodes and other symptoms. Given the look on Dr. Gupta’s face from the moment he walked in, whatever he’s going to say isn’t good.

“Orion, there isn’t an easy way to say this, so I’m sorry,” he says, off to a horrible start. “The chemo hasn’t made much of a dent in the leukemia, and I’m afraid it’s progressing.” 

I look over at my moms who are clenching their jaws and squeezing each other’s hands. I’ll cry if I watch, so I look back to Dr. Gupta. 

“You have options, though. We can continue to try to find you a bone marrow donor, and there are a number of trials that are available, we’d just need to transfer you back to LA.” 

I shake my head. “I can’t go back to LA.” 

“Honey, you can go back—-“

I cut Mom off. “I’m not doing trials. I can’t. I’m sorry, but I’m not doing something else that will make me feel miserable and we don’t even know if it’s going to work. Besides, I’ll get what, maybe a year or two out of it if they do work?”

I look at Dr. Gupta to confirm, and he pulls his mouth into a slight frown. 

“There’s no guarantee on timelines or results, but, roughly, given your case, that’s what we’d be looking at.” 

“Right, and I’ll get like… a year, a few months if we just stop doing things?” 

Dr. Gupta sighs. “Again, we can’t say for certain, but roughly, yes, about a year.” 

“Yeah, I’m not doing anything. Can I go now?” I stand up, grabbing my bag. 

“Orion, at least hear about what options—“

I spin around, quickly, to face my moms. “I’m not doing anything.”

They look at me with tears in their eyes, begging me to stay and listen, but I don’t want to. 

“I want to go home. I want to live comfortably and just have time with people I care about. It doesn’t matter. I’m going to die anyway. It doesn’t even matter, and I’m not going to LA again.” 

We have a silent argument with just our eyes before they look to Dr. Gupta.

“Can we have the pamphlets on the trials? We can discuss this at home and let you know.”

Dr. Gupta quickly hands them the stack of brochures he’s had on top of his clipboard. “You don’t have to decide anything today, and please call me if you have any questions.” 

I walk out of the room then. I don’t want to dwell in there and I don’t want to dwell on what I’ve just learned. I can’t think about it. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. I just can’t spend my birthday thinking about it all. Today I’m supposed to celebrate my life, not the impending date of my death. 

—

We’re having a bonfire in the backyard with my family, Emelia, and Macy — complete with gelatin-free marshmallows and a crock pot full of mulled wine — when my phone starts going crazy. I try to ignore it and just enjoy the night with Emelia and Macy, who are listening to and respecting my wishes not to talk about the news of the day. I promise them we’ll talk about it tomorrow. 

My phone has probably buzzed twelve times in the past two minutes, and Emelia ends up taking my phone off the arm of the wooden chair I’m sitting in to look at it, apparently annoyed by all the notifications. She unlocks my phone for herself and her eyes grow wider as she looks at whatever notifications I’ve gotten.

“Jesus,” she whispers, scrolling through whatever it is. 

“What is it?” Macy asks before she takes another sip of her hot wine. 

“Um…” Em says, trailing off, still staring at my phone’s screen.

I hold my hand out for her to give me my phone back, and she pulls it further away from me, her eyes still glued to the bright screen. I can see it’s a text thread with a lot of texts from the other person.

“Give me my phone,” I instruct, holding my hand closer to her.

“It’s not good, are you sure?” 

I roll my eyes. “Em, there’s nothing worse than hearing that your chemotherapy didn’t help your terminal cancer on your birthday. I can handle whatever the hell someone texted me.” 

She sighs and hands my phone to me. “I warned you.” 

I take in what’s on my screen and feel my stomach start to churn. She’s right. It’s not good.

From: mike-o cliff-o yknow what orion, fuck you i don’t give a fuck that it’s your birthday FUCJ YOU my band, my BEST FRIENDS, aren’t speaking because you couldn’t tell the truth thos is your fault calum won’t even LOOK at ash! howrdare you you had no right to come into our lives and fuck up the one thing that matters most to all of us and then just LEAVEW do you know how depressed cxalum is he doesn’t do anything except show up on stage and drink and whineand moanmb he’s a fucking qwreck and that’s on yuo you play this innocnt sweet act that you’re jsut being kind and whatever bllshit you tell yourself but you and i both know you’re actually a shitty person what kind of person doesn’t tell their partner they have CACNDR and then BROAKS UP WITH THEM over it fuck you. i hope it’s terminal. and i hpoe it sucks.

My eyes start to water as I read through everything, but I try to remember that Michael is clearly very drunk. 

“No, he doesn’t get to make you cry on your birthday. Give me that, I’m texting a screenshot of that shit to Crystal.” Emelia holds her hand out for my phone again, but I hug it to my chest. 

“No, it’s fine. He doesn’t mean it, and he deserves to be mad.” 

“What? Who texted you?” Macy asks from my other side. I sigh and hand my phone to her so she can read it all. 

“It’s fine, he’s drunk. If that made him feel better to say that, it’s fine.” 

Emelia is fuming next to me and watching as Macy’s face gets more and more concerned while she reads what Mike sent. I don’t want to let them sway me. I don’t care what he sent. 

“Holy shit, O, that’s not okay,” Macy says while she hands me my phone. 

“It’s fine, I don’t care.”

But I do.

read next chapter

[sweetnvery]

On social media or something (or: does anyone relate to this or am I going crazy)

Somehow everything we learn in my lit class is scarily relevant to my life? In the past couple months, as I've gained a significant amount of confidence in myself, I've secretly (maybe it hasn't been so secret) become more & more obsessed with the idea of growing up to be one of those Bushwick influencers/creatives/models/friends of models who have random business making artsy planners or crochet cat hats or overpriced phone cases. They have cool, chic, cluttered apartments. They are smart and cultured (well-read and interested in Godard films, Patti Smith records, and vintage designer clothes). They post on Instagram casually & constantly, in a way that suggests a lack of any planning or afterthought. While these @dreamgallllllls and @bigbookladys* are seemingly carefree and wild--unable to act in any manner opposite authentically themselves--I can't help but notice how calculated they must be in order to uphold this fundamentally aesthetic-less aesthetic.

I, who spent the last 17+ nights stoned & paralyzed scrolling through my meticulously curated Pinterest boards (my pride and joy at this point in my strange and seemingly simulated college half-life), exert a majority of my energy trying to become someone who is outwardly, effortlessly "cool"--someone who is intelligent & accomplished, but primarily who looks good doing so. I wasn't doing anything during this time... I was supposed to be spending my break resting & recovering from my bout of mono. Yet, I felt compelled to find & capture, for example, the most aesthetic corners of my bedroom, the cutest effortless "sick day" outfit, the most obscure (but relatably curated) Spotify playlists. But this wasn't a one-off event I experienced over my break where I had nothing better to do. I think I've been thinking this way for a long time. In retrospect, it feels fake and so endlessly silly. On one hand, I genuinely enjoy where I am in life: I feel confident, for what feels like the first time, in my appearance; I devour well-written books willingly; I love my friends; I'm constantly inspired to create. On the other, I wonder if I'm subconsciously doing all of these things to curate a specific persona...

But why must I fit in one box or another? Why must my life, above all things, produce a perfectly picturesque Instagram profile? Why do I feel compelled to make everything I do a performance? A viral TikTok? A pretty picture?

These thoughts have all been at the top of my mind recently, but they resurfaced, specifically, during my lit class this morning in which we were discussing Edith Wharton's The House of Mirth. Lily Bart, the heroine (Is she a heroine? I think I'd say so. I've only gotten through eight chapters so far.) of the novel, is a striking and unmarried 29-year-old socialite. She is described as extremely observant--and throughout her life, she has always noticed the superficiality of upper society: everything that is done is done strictly for appearances. This applies to men and women alike, but women--whose main purpose in society was to find a wealthy husband and to settle down--especially, were expected, above all, to keep up appearances. The upper-crusts read books not to gain knowledge for themselves, but to discuss their readings with others. They collect antiques only to brag of their acquisitions. They attend church only to be seen in their Sunday best. To them, things aren't worth doing unless they'll be shared with others--unless they will be rewarded socially for doing them. Is this not so scarily relevant today, almost 120 years later? This is social media! Like Lily Bart, I feel compelled to participate, despite recognizing how harmful and trivial it all is.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this, but it is something I have really been struggling with, guiltily, amidst all of this serious & tragic global conflict. Why should I care so desperately about posting a video of the outfit only my 9:45am, 12-person art class saw when children are being murdered by the minute in Gaza? When so many people are living in poverty across the world? It is such an obviously blind, unfeeling, First-World problem. What are these strange social constructions which have lasted from 1905 to now? Why do we place so much meaning in the trivial? Why do I care so much about appearances? I have a feeling maybe it's not that deep. Maybe Instagram is just Instagram. I think I should spend less time thinking about all this made-up stuff and spend more time doing my Econ homework. Bleh.

*Not to name drop influencers!!!!! nothing against them!! love these ppl!! so much!!! wish I were them!!! tbh!!

[lunaprincipessa]

ENTRY 205

Part One (Continued on 206)

From January on, I've been in an emotional whirlwind as I've learned more about Peter Steele. I've been blogging about it lightly here on Tumblr.

First, the fun stuff.

❎ Entry 169 - Meme

❎ Entry 175 and 181 - Pics

❎ Entry 194 - Fan Art

❎ Entry 204 - Type O Eyeshadow

❎ Entry 208 - Meme

❎ Entry 214 - Intro w/ Singers

❎ Entry 222 - Introducing Myself to Both of Carnivore's Albums

❎ Entry 250 - October Rust Mentioned

❎ Entry 264 - Pete Loved His Fans

❎ Entry 307 - Gifs of Steele

Then, the others.

❎ Entry 74 - Learning for the first time about who he was as a person after research inspired by comments from fellow fans.

❎ Entry 170 - Experiencing the first death anniversary since having a better understanding of who he was as a person.

The fun stuff is pretty much just a vague, visual representation of my middle-aged self rediscovering Peter Steele, seeing him in a new light, and appreciating him in different ways than I did before. The others are a light walk through of what I started seeing and how I started reacting. There was so much I didn't know. And once I thought I got the jist of it, there was more.

Entry 74, I see comments on Instagram prior to deleting my profile, accusing his last gf of negligence. Seriously disturbed due to the shock of it from the lack of knowledge, I tried looking it up to see if it was true. Couldn't find any info on that but found lots of info on Peter himself.

This is when I found out Peter Steele was the full package. Men that have beautiful faces like that often accompany them with cruel tongues and empty minds. Not Peter.

Intelligent, wise, kind, and humble to name a few. The full package. Making him one of the most gorgeous men to ever exist. A rare find indeed. Combine that with his voice, talent, style, and presence, and you'll soon see why women everywhere would fall to their knees in love and lust for him.

Unfortunately, that full package came alongside an ample amount of heartbreak.

It bothered me to my core to think about a man like Peter suffering so much at the hands of any toxic women he may have given his heart to in the wake of everything.

I took temporary comfort in assuming he was surrounded by friends that would help lift him up if ever he was down, especially his band mates whom I heard he grew up with. I assumed, and life continued on as normal for a time.

The 14-year death anniversary rolls around and as I said in Entry 170, I'm feeling it more than ever before because now, I have a better understanding of who died, making his loss that much more deeper and tragic.

Not only was a kind heart lost, but a pure soul that suffered greatly, making the pain of the anniversary rival even the death itself.

You see, I'm heavily reliant on what I hear, read, and watch because of the obvious fact that I didn't know Peter Steele personally and I wasn't there when certain things were taking place.

I learned more about him and started to favor him above all other singers, including Trent Reznor who I've worshipped since the teen days. I started looking up more pics and performances (eventually inspiring a blog consisting of nothing but pictures of Peter, telling myself to stop lol).

All bittersweet and intriguing but then, a recent article and an older vid that I ended up coming across paved the way for that dreadful feeling at the beginning of the year to return.

This is why I said earlier that I took "temporary comfort." But at that time, I didn't know it was temporary and I didn't know what else was about to cross my path.

My heart broke for him all over again. I'm suddenly reminded of those scary pictures circulating on Facebook with a caption that reads, "the longer you stare at it, the worse it gets."

I'll start with the article, which was released on May 6th of this year (2024), featuring an interview with Sal Abruscato, Type O Negative's original drummer. Word for word, this is what he said and mind you, I'm reading this for the first time while still learning about Peter.

"He was a good guy. He was a sweet guy. He had a good heart. At the end of the day, he had a good heart, but he was also very vulnerable. He was vulnerable. He knew deep down inside becoming successful was gonna be his demise, because I'll tell you, one thing I did see from being on the outside of Type O Negative, watching the deterioration that happened over the years, people used him. He was a nice guy, he was generous, they fucking used him. And everybody was using him, even his own band members were using him, because he was a workhorse. And everybody tried the best they could. He had a very bad problem, and I know everybody tried the best they could, but it was too little too late."

That wasn't easy to read. Neither was the next part. 💔

"I remember talking to him literally two weeks before he passed, and he told me that all he had left was $3,500 bucks to his name. So he died basically in Pennsylvania alone, in a way. Yeah, he had his girlfriend, yeah, whatever, but all the way out there. Everybody dissipated when the drugs were over, 'cause he had to be sober and clean. He was clean for nine months when he died. And when he told me that, it was like... And he told me people that I'll never name. He told me that he lent money to people, that people never paid him back because he had a good heart. Friends took advantage of him. And it's a shame that it ended like that for him. Had he maybe went to the doctor's on a regular basis too, maybe he could have... But again, the damage was done. But that was the side of Pete was that he was a good guy and a prophetic artist, a prophetic lyricist. Had a vision that went three steps ahead of everyone else. A brilliant guy, very smart, very smart guy in a lot of different ways. Not like 'doctor book smart,' but smart in other ways, artistically and the way he saw things. He was very intelligent."

Vulnerability; pain and love can do that to a person. The thought of this gentle giant who was generous and a hard worker being surrounded by snakes literally makes my stomach turn. "They used him," it said.

"Deterioration that happened over the years," oh my heart. Is that part of the reason why he deteriorated? Were people just taking pieces of him until there was nothing left to take? I despise the thought of the people he was counting on attempting to drain him. Imagine if his millions of fans knew he was being hurt. There would've been an unholy uprising. His fans love him.

I want to ask if Peter Steele would've been around the right people, would success still have been his demise? If he was surrounded by protectors and healers, would the outcome have been the same? I said it in my 74th blog about Peter when I first started learning about him. Men like this, regardless of how big and tall and strong they are, need to be protected. Their bodies are hard but their hearts are fragile.

The creator of something timeless, original, and legendary had $3,500.00 left to his name. Simply criminal after everything Peter had created throughout the course of his career. I was wondering about his income though. I saw a brief home vid of him and one of his cats and I couldn't help but notice his surroundings. It wasn't what I assumed. It just didn't look like a place where an accomplished and famous singer and musician should be living. I was unknowingly soon to get detail on that.

I saw another quick vid of him talking about building a nice, big house in a beautiful wooded area a while back. I looked it up given the home vid I just saw, "that can't be the place he wanted to build." Come to find out he lived in a duplex before he died and that $3,500 would not have afforded the house he wanted to build.

I saw it when I googled where he lived before passing. I thought the entire house was his at first sight and then my jaw dropped to the floor when I read that he lived "on the right side." Peter deserved a monstrous Victorian mansion with beautiful gothic interior, with millions more in the bank to build and decorate with. Criminal and unfair to say the very least.

Aside from this article, I read that Peter was a little awkward growing up, as was I. You grow up knowing friends are often hard to come by. It probably felt good to him in adulthood to be around people and to form connections and to do good things for them, but some of those people were the wrong ones to be that kind of person with.

I can't imagine how disappointed and heartbroken he must've felt finding out many of those people were merely around for drugs and money. Just more loss and abandonment for a good heart and a pure soul. He deserved better.

Sal called him a "prophetic lyricist." Prophetic! In considering the meaning of that word, it makes the lyrics, "life is killing me" gut-wrenchingly sad.

"The way he saw things," that statement was regarding his creativity and intelligence but how did he see his life? How dark were things for him? And the million dollar question, was Peter Steele safe anywhere?

Sal said even his band mates took advantage of him. I wondered about the dynamic between them and Sal. I also wondered if perhaps that's why his last gf didn't want them talking to him before he passed. Although, I did continue to wonder if people were still accusing her of neglecting Peter. There's a lot to wonder and there's a lot of angles to wonder from too.

Wonder, wondered, wondering; it's all speculation. I wasn't there. Lots of questions are gonna accompany me to my grave, unanswered, and I better make my peace with that asap but it's hard. Not like it would change anything, but I still want to know what happened to this man and who was around him.

Who truly had his best interest at heart? Anybody? That's something else I may wonder forever. Who was fighting for him? Who was fighting for his health? Who was fighting for his life?

The whole process did leave me a little suspicious that perhaps nearly everyone around him dropped the ball at some point, in some form or fashion, maybe even when he needed them the most.

People obviously wanted things from him, but who wanted him? Who wanted him to be well? Who cared for him outside of the celebrity? Who cared for him as Peter and not the singer of Type O Negative?

I mentioned the older vid alongside the article I just responded to, but I think I'm gonna break this up into two parts because this already turned out to be quite lengthy.

All in all, his story is weighing on me and I cannot believe that I've loved his music for so long but never knew any of this, and I mean any of it. I just never knew.

And finding this out for the first time makes me wish in such a childish way that either I, or the army of his fans could just somehow go back in time and scoop him up, getting him to safety but as Sal said, "too little too late." He's gone. Still here through music and memory but physically gone, and we can never get him back to fix things for him.

He would be 62 years old if he were alive today. And if he were, I would hope he would have everything his heart could ever desire, especially true love, reverence, happiness, and inner peace.

Eating healthy and staying sober to keep himself going, maybe even a solo project so he could call the shots and have a schedule he's comfortable with. He could hire people that respect him, that will listen to him.

He might've even started a family with a good woman who loves him outside of the celebrity and will take good care of him and his children. That's what I would've advocated for, but who knows.

We can all daydream on what might have been out of desperation for comfort and solace. Comfort and solace from a grueling reality that none of us can change no matter how badly we miss him.

If it was that hard to read about, I couldn't imagine what it was like to go through.

For what it's worth, I'm so sorry Peter. RIP

Part Two and more thoughts later.

[adamwlove]

FLASHPOINT - DESTROYED

This is an album cover I was commissioned to do by a punk-artist and longtime friend of mine, Nick De Leon, for his independent music project and band, Flash Point. (Here's a link to their Spotify, and Instagram) Nick stated in our meetings about this that he wanted it to be black and white only with a heavy emphasis on line art/pen and ink, and have it be derivative of the DRI: Dirty Rotten LP / Violent Pacification cover art (pictured here)

Here's the breakdown of how I made this thing:

To start, I imported a posable Skeleton, combat knife, and M16 OBJ into blender for reference. My experience with drawing boney folk is limited, so I knew I'd need some help.

Then, I drew a sketch of this skeledude on paper, added some tattered army greens to him, then transferred it digitally. I went onto pexels.com and found an image I liked that had smoke, and added a screen tone effect to it! (This would help me shade the smoke later)

After that came line-art and shading. The client said he only wanted 2 colors on this album art, so I had to really flex my damn ol' noggin to get the textures right for the clothes, the bone, and most importantly the metal (which was the hardest, yet most rewarding part of this entire piece) I already tend to work in a pretty limited color palette, but I don't really do black and white, flat out stuff like this. Which means I really had to make it sing for it to work, and luckily I was able to! The band loved this image when I showed it to them, and were super pumped about it

Next came volume shading. I ended up using a technique I saw watching an animation documentary to help me distinguish the shading of the smoke, red being where the hatching will be the heaviest and green being a lightly hatched area. This ended up saving me a lot of time and multiple headaches

And yeah, that's it!

Overall I'd say this is one of my most favorite pieces I've ever done. The band uses it for their posters, flyers, their profile pictures, and so on and so forth. It was cool (and pretty meta) to see it on flyers in bars and restaurants around the city I live in. This project also helped me realize that working for myself as an independent artist is something I want to pursue. This was literally a case of me making art for someone else who also makes art. That is so cool in my opinion. Because of this commission, I was able to land art gigs with other artists and bands. I've been taking it slow since the end of 2023, but I'm excited to start making more new art, music, and things in the future.

Thank you for reading through my scatterbrained-ass post! I hope you enjoyed!