#the mental process behind it was:
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still believe that the funniest most incorrect thing i got wrong about disco elysium before playing it was thinking that jean was the union leader. that he was evrart claire (or edgar claire). or alternatively that he worked in the post office or something.
#i avoided reading anything about the game for like four years because i didn't want to spoil it for myself#and i did a great job at it i guess because i literally had no idea the game was about investigating a murder like wow that was a plot twis#anyway#the mental process behind it was:#i saw jean in the gomf video and he looked like a post office director so i kinda accepted that he must have been that#but when i started playing the game i noticed there was a suspicious lack of post offices#on the other hand there was a big talk about the union leader and since i had seen that bitch of jean a lot i thought#he must be relevant so it must be this main guy from the investigation#but then i met evrart and i was like so maybe he is the second most relevant union man?#then i met jean and couldn't stand him and didn't speak to him through the game <3#the end#he would be better as a post office director anyway#it's personal tag again
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Honestly I see Jimmy's refusal to put Curly out of his misery less about his weird feelings of envy or his delusions but the fact Curly is all but stated to be a shield to Jimmy from his actions and people seeing the worst in him.
The only characters that Jimmy really interacts with one on one before the crash are Curly and Anya, two individuals he has wildly different relationships with. It's likely that Curly really did most of the talking between them as the pilots and the rest of the crew as staff. They didn't know of Jimmy's more reprehensible behaviors cause they never really had the chance to and Jimmy is subconsciously aware. If they had disliked him more than Anya would have told Swansea earlier or even Daisuke when things got really bad.
It's why he takes the immediate opportunity to blame Curly; He's the shield. He's saved Jimmy's ass more times than he can count and more times than Jimmy would ever admit. Even when he can't really do it anymore, he mentally shields himself from his own faults by putting Curly between them. Letting Curly die puts too much on him because he doesn't know how to function without a safety net.
In the end Curly only lives because Jimmy needs the idea that Curly will inevitably make things better to stay alive, meaning Curly has to live, no matter how much it pains him to do so.
#in short Jimmy doesnt only care about Curly#he only cares about the securtiy that Curly provides him#and i headcanon that the reason he tried to kill everyone is because he knew it was only a matter of time befor Curly realized this wasnt#somethgin benign Jimmy did that he could smooth over but somethign that Curly would repremand and condem him for and take his security away#like yes Curly did not react fast enough or strongly enough to what Anya told him but you could see him showing more concern over it as I d#understand the psychology behind people and more specifically men like Curly as he is hearing something horrible his friend did to someone#he cares about but has less of a bond with. he feels the need to protect his crew as people first and sadly Jimmy is still the person he wa#closest too yet I still think everything happened too fast for Curly to process as would you not grapple with the fact your closest friend#is a monster you must personally deal with? or that he did something so vile to someone else you have become protective over? Would you not#think of the relative power that friend holds and how if you approuch this wrong it could end badly for everyone? He had all these thoughts#but not enough time to think about them. Also how Jimmy was one of the main people in his personal life he felt a need to protect seeing as#he got him this job. Like imagine the one person you are really trying to make good is still bad after everythign and now you have to be th#hand of judgment youve shielded them from for so long like I do not think Curly handeled the initial situation with Anya correctly I dont#think it was the case of him not believing but not really knowing what to do and feel about it as a friend of both parties the captain and#guy going through his own shit and it says so much that he was dealing with all that so well compared to Jimmy who got everyone killed cuz#he thought being captain would be like sitting on the thrown and not emotionally mentally and physically taxing like I cant say Curly is th#best person due to his inaction but he is a good person doing the best with the knowledge and shitty resources he has cuz like also Id just#be terrified that my suicidal and nilihst bestie who clearly has an inferiority complex around me is the copilot who has access to the most#to the most important parts of the ship and the means to kill us all if he feels like him or his security are being threatened like#Anya and Curly just deserved better because they get put through the ringer like just put him in a class to teach him to be less trusting#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing curly#mouthwashing anya#mouthwashing jimmy#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing spoilers
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tl;dr things change including me, shocked & appalled. will being changing some stuff up & hopefully that leads to more fun. idk if im gonna change this one up or just make a new blog we'll see thank youuuu bye
#did i need to talk about my mental process behind this?? not rlly but u know me#well also idk ppl have been following me for years i feel like this is a 'say smth before u do it' situation#even if they dont care it just feels polite#also whatever i do what i want#talk#delete later#maybe
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what's the countrycide filming fiasco? 👁️
fjfkfkfkfk so basically when they filmed countrycide they went out in the beacons and stayed at an old (haunted) hotel and the whole cast (possibly excluding naoko shes never mentioned when they talk about it? maybe she just didnt get as crazy fhdsjkf) got rlly drunk and had Misadventures. it's like their fav thing to talk abt at panels
some of those misadventures were
gareth hitting his forehead on a bell (you can see the welt in the finished episode), barrowman pissing in a public fountain at gareth's suggestion, barrowman + eve having a slumber party in their pjs (gwack activities tbh), and eve yelling at newlyweds. chaos! (link to one of the videos where they talk about it, timestamp included, is in the description of that gifset.)
burn gorman tried to steal a bathtub. this is like quintessential burn folklore, like this has reached modern newmanns who aren't even into tw because it's just so hilariously bizarre. better yet he denied trying to steal it to the rest of the cast for eight years and insisted the manager falsely accused him. he still won't talk about it when they bring it up. the man's mind is an enigma. he unscrewed it from the floor.
#anon#dfsdshfjsdhfkjdhfk#u dont even know how much i love the mental image of a very drunk very determined burn gorman sitting crossed legged on a bathroom floor#very diligently unscrewing the bolts of a huge steel roll top bathtub situated in the bridal suite of an old welsh hotel#(which they put him in by himself for some reason btw)#like literally what could've possibly been the thought process behind him doing that#burn is a baffling human btw the more you learn about him the more confused you get#anyway#yeah. countrycide fiasco
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i love driving on perilous roads at night when it's just me and my good friend Cars Behind Me
#oh cars behind me... we're really in it now...#the only parasocial relationship i ever feel or indulge in is the bond i have with cars driving behind me on a single lane highway#it was so dramatic and for what...#me leading the procession in the dark and fog and snow with my highbeams on.#them following behind me and taking none of the many chances to pass me when i offer them <3#following me like lambs to their shepherd through the pitch black woods#WE FORMED A WARRIORS BOND ON THE ROAD THIS NIGHT.#we made it through the mountains Together!!!#the comfort of their warm headlights in my rearviews was Unparalleled#ah... is this what Company feels like...#absolutely unprompted#i. i may be mentally unwell im realizing#< twas a jest! i've known the whole time#ohhhh and its starting to rain real hard... yes... i need this...#AND I STILL HAVE MUCH HAZELNUT MILK TEA LEFT!!! HUZZAH!!!!#its so good. creamy and roasty and nutty. mm.#still next time i'll have to track down a different boba shop that has my favorite milk tea flavor. i miss it!
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#vent incoming (nothing too serious i just need to complain about being mentally ill)#ugggggh can i just have ONE major creative project that doesn't brush up against my ptsd??? like literally just one???#like with my musical i wrote that was kind of a given bc i was writing that as a (not always healthy) coping mechanism#but now i'm working on this doc and it's like yippee it's not about me and it's a topic i love and working with incredibly supportive peopl#but then that asshole from my college just had to go and traumatize me last semester in a way very tied to the doc#and like luckily i don't have to deal with that asshole anymore. i can just work on my silly little doc and do my silly little interview#with my silly little 65-year-old best friends lmao. except whoops! even tho all that traumatic shit is far behind me#literally the act of preparing for an interview is poking at my ptsd again!! what the fuck!!!#@ my ptsd - The Asshole From Your College Is Not Going To Teleport To Toronto To Ruin Your Interview You Dumbass#it sucks but y'know i'm gonna get through it bc it's worth it to keep going#and honestly this is the best project to be working through shit like that bc scott's also someone who makes very personal art#which can end up brushing up against ptsd. like we literally connected over his ''ptsdiva'' podcast#and he's said the main thing that made me stand out after our first conversation was that i was the first person irl to mention the podcast#and also even if i wish it hadn't gone like this. scott *was* around when i was dealing with being traumatized by that college asshole#and he was so supportive while i was processing my shit and made it clear he'd defend me if he needed to#and i've gotten the opportunity to be there for him during his own rough times while working on this documentary#so like. it'll be fine. i hope i can just feel my feelings and get over it before the interview itself. but if not scott will understand#but yeah fuck that guy from my college and i hope he knows all the kids in the hall would hate him for what he did to me
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THIS IS FUNNY AS HELL IM CACKLING
#LITERALLY WHATS THE MENTAL PROCESS BEHIND THIS PLSSSSS.#WHO SENT THIS I LOVE U. I HATE U BUT I LOVE U THIS IS FUNNY AS SH!T BAHAHAHAHA#boy i rly hope this is a bit bc if u think this genuinely ur stupid asf
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saw you post 'listen before you go', thought you'd enjoy this:
oh...
#sterechats :)#going through It. and by It let's just say. the worst loss of my life lol#but I don't think anyone wants to hear how I ruined it again#and how badly I miss them#and if they'd give me one more chance I'd be the happiest person in the world#they put up with so much shit I should never have put them through#I can't blame them for leaving I just wish I could show them how much they mean to me#that behind all of my masks and my anger I cared about them more than anything#and I'm just so damn scared of being vulnerable because I've learned vulnerability is weakness#and even though that's wrong and I know it is it's less vulnerable to close myself off and respond with rage#than it is to actually confront my own emotions and realize that I'm not a robot#that I have feelings and they're usually really big and overwhelming for me#and I have to step back and process these things on my own because it's unfair to others#because I can't keep treating my friends like they're responsible for my emotions and at fault for them#because I need to actually communicate my needs instead of assuming people know them#because these same patterns are why I keep losing friends over and over again#and if I don't fix them I'm never going to be able to maintain a friendship#god. if they're ever going to read this I hope they know how much they mean to me#and how deeply and truly sorry I am for everything I've done#and how I never want to hurt them ever again#and I'm crying again. it feels like all I'm ever doing recently is crying#you know that saying 'you don't realize what you have until it's gone'? yeah.#for all the shit I talked I'd do anything to hear them tell me about their f1 drivers again#I miss them so much it's killing me it feels like#I just. I don't think they're coming back#no matter how much I tell myself they just need a few weeks or months#I think I really fucked it up this time and I don't want to admit it to myself#because I don't think I can mentally accept that they're gone forever most likely#I just want to hope that they'll give me that one last chance and I can prove myself#I just want to talk to them again and it hurts so much
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it’s cool and dreary outside, it feels like fall. i’ve spent my morning listening to classical music and i made some pancakes and coffee and now i’m just enjoying the sound of birds chirping through my open windows. very healing ♥️
#i can’t describe the weight that has lifted off my shoulders#yes i’m in the midst of grief but i’m allowing myself to feel it and process it#while also relishing in the fact that last miserable 8 months are behind me forever and i am free#maybe i’m being dramatic#but#for the first time in over a year#i feel okay mentally
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I wake up, I see that my beloved musician Kavus Torabi's new album has released, I think "oh neat!", I end up reading the whole very in depth "biography" that comes with the album on Bandcamp and find out he's been through some serious shit regarding his mental health and familial relationships, I take immense psychic damage
#draco speaks#normally not parasocial enough to be affected that much by this kind of knowledge but it caught me in a vulnerable emotional state#plus I've seen him live multiple times and most importantly watched him live stream from his home in lockdown#also from the vague and one sided narrative it sounds like there's a very strong possibility that *he* was the asshole in his family drama#again I'm sorry I know I shouldn't care I'm being parasocial#theres no reason I should give a shit whether he was shitty to his wife and kids and has now completely fucked off on them#but. mental health been shit this week and I *just* woke up so. yeah wish I hadn't read that#I've seen him live RECENTLY. like very much SINCE the fuckery happened that I had no idea about until now#fucks sake Kavus why did you have to be honest about the circumstances behind the artistic process of this album#just drop it and leave
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my boy best friend having trouble identifying/accepting envy?
actually makes so much sense for him
#keroro#because if you think back to the childhood relationship with dororo. i really do believe he was envious of all he had#i mean obviously the money disparity. but also just being allowed to have pekopon stuff#but it wasn't like. an acknowledged and processed feeling. just in the back#and with how he fucked up the friendship due to that (like. often a result of actions that stem from unprocessed envy... -#like literally taking his things)#IT HONESTLY DOESN'T SURPRISE ME THAT HE NEVER DEVELOPED A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH IT?#i love that here he just needed an excuse to succumb to his crushing envy but still couldn't name it until tamama did#my boy best friend repressing negative and uncomfortable feelings is So real !#i love that he phrases it as 'i should be happy for my friend'. he has such a messed up mental relationship with Friendship#like obviously yes you should be happy for your friend#but he feels guilty that he's feeling envious AF because that's not how friends are supposed to act.#he wants to have friends and be a good friend but fails at every step precisely because of his attempts#plus 556 and dororo were both childhood friends of keroro so to me the parallel comes to mind#ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT VERY PARTICULAR SHOT OF DORORO LOOKING AT THE TWO OF THEM FROM BEHIND THE DOOR#very loud
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i try to be open minded with ships and stuff, but i've always found it so hard to get behind hanzo x cass —
#✯ — [ ʰᵒʳˢᵉˢ ᶤᶰ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ] ⨯ ooc#tbd#it's just...#okay — i'll put this out there: i've always been a diehard mcgenji fan.#that is my SHIT.#but disregarding that for a minute#i guess i just...couldn't see cass ever forgiving or excusing what hanzo did to his brother ??#like...even knowing the reasoning behind it...i really don't think he would be anything but hostile towards him.#and maybe it's because i think genji and cass ended up being pretty good friends ( at the bare minimum )...i mean#they talk like it post fall. and i can definitely see them really leaning into each other all those years — working so close together#being similar in age as well as experiencing so many different hardships together...#but mainly jesse having to see the aftermath of it all ! having to watch genji suffer through the entire recovery process#physically and mentally...#idk man...i hope none of y'all followed me to specifically see hanzo x cass because at tHIS POINT —#anyway#ship with me.
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Sometimes i decide not to post vent posts bc if someone says something nice or appeasing in response to it I’m going to snap and become evil
#my problem is that all of my insecurities are so thoroughly thought out you need a presentation with empirical evidence for me to even#consider believing you AND if I feel like you think that I was asking for a platitude or compliment or whatever then I CANNOT process it as#sincere bc then you’re just being nice because you’re a good person and my friend not bc it’s correct or like real#I don’t think love has to be earned but my brain thinks praise does#like love is unconditional but like I’m constantly weighing my own merits so praise needs to be for tangible reasons#also if you try to say anything nice to me right now it’s not gonna go well I’m in a terrible mood#this is like…. tbh art is like the fastest way for me to make something that then if people like it makes me feel good like art is such a#crux of my mental health like I don’t get much academic validation and like it’s not parental issues my parents are nice to me#I think it’s really a ME thing of me being very contemplative and critiquing in a thorough way#also all of my criticisms of myself are for things I actively knew better but didn’t do or like very rational things#it’s not oh my friends secretly hate me it’s that oh maybe my peers think I talk too much about things that aren’t always on topic in semina#seminar classes and yknow that’s probably true#or that oh I had a sloppy presentation for teaching and I’m always behind on grading which is true#but the extreme thing is how much I hate myself for that BUT it’s bc of the executive dysfunction that I am constantly mad at myself
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i may have just written 3k words of angst about the tadfools having terrible body image when i was in a sleep-deprived haze and it needs to be edited down to a decent length but. i am cringe and i am free
#i have an early morning viewing but after that i’m gonna try and get some editing done and post it#overall not thrilled with how it came out but i wasn’t mentally able to express as much of myself as i wanted to#bc there’s too much i need to process about my own BDD before i can honestly depict it in my own work#like how i had to write myself a letter about my own past of SA to remind myself what was real before i could even start SIHG. anyway#these are my fic writing adventures and i am sincerely sorry if nobody actually gives a shit abt the behind the scenes#actually i think like 2 ppl who actually read my fics on ao3 follow me here so. hi to my 2 minifans
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you know, concealing a part of your identity in any setting is always going to be so alienating, especially when one does so for survival. i want to be a kinder, more honest person, but can i truly do that when i'm not even allowing myself to be an entire person? if i'm a third of what i should be, then am i anything at all?
#it feels like every time i talk i'm just constantly a beat off bc i have to do mental gymnastics behind each answer.#it's become a normal process now but... it's become also too much of a bad habit.#feels like there's a thin veil of lies and uncertainty between me and others#and i also feel like i have nobody to talk to and nothing to turn to when i'm... at my worst. it's not a good feeling#i don't even think i can call anyone for help because i don't think anybody's ever answered#before i could snap myself out of that state on my own#just wish someone was there with me during those moments
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Y'all ever just be an inch from having a complete mental breakdown at work?
#goo noises#i am not okay#it feels like a lot of things are just fucked#*gestures to the world in general*#add to that the following#impulsive thoughts of suicide/self harm that scare me and drain my mental battery#crippling loneliness with the inability to ever feel like I belong#executive dysfunction nerfing the desire to do any and every thing that possibly might bring me joy#having to weigh personal freedom over financial stability#keeping all this to myself/the blog only maybe 3 people paybattention to because I don't want to feel like a burden#as well as feeling like the 3 people I can confide in about this don't really understand any of it#oh and don't forget the ever shitty feeling of 'my life feels super stagnate and will never amount to anything meaningful'#and the fact that my mental illness puts me at a disadvantage in trying to be good at any video game I try enjoying#for the simple reason being that I can't process more than one thing at a time#at this point I feel I only really have reasons to not die rather than to keep living#ironically it's the same shitty feeling of not wanting to be a burden that's behind most of it#tw suicide ideation#tw depressive spiral
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