#the listing part wasnt too hard but im only saying that cause theres a lot resources online

[bf-rally]

wee today i managed to get stuff to start listing

[curious-menace]

The rogue gallery members general reaction to encountering the batman who laughs and his creepy ass Robin's.

ok id like to preface this by saying that red death batman straight up crucified riddler and decapitated scarecrow and the batman who laughs is MUCH worse than red death batman. 

i want to enjoy the dark knights metal but it is needlessly fuckin complicated with all this multiverse oververse omniverse shit. maybe i just don't have the galaxy brain necessary to get it so i apologize if this is all wrong 

(also i know its canon that the batman who laughs has no rogues gallery left, either because he killed them or joker killed them before he turned but hey ho hypotheticals it is)

also no one talk to me about kiss fan lookin riddler from this verse. im not ready. 

Penguin

i think his first reaction was to laugh. Batman’s finally gone and he took joker with him. I mean he literally calls him "bat gimp". I seriously doubt he anticipated the fallout of batman becoming some sort of hideous joker hybrid. he still chuckled when he started seeing the news. someone calling themselves “the batman who laughs” and “the darkest knight” then he sees the robins, he even recognises damien and it makes him a little sick. he books the next flight out of goodwin before things get too hot. 

shame goodwin was burned to the ground to stop anyone leaving gotham. 

with everyone inside. 

Twoface

i dont think its an exaggeration to say he was absolutly fuckin horrified. it's rare that harvey and two face agree on something, but this bastard has to go. the murder and mayhem he could tolerate, hell even killing the other rogues, some of them needed to be stopped. but having to look at this creature and know it was once bruce? harvey knows better than anyone its a fate worse than death to be trapped in your own mind with someone else running the show. they do their best to stop the darkest knight, bring all the hired guns they can to the fight but it wasnt enough. Harvey dies, but at least he went out trying to do the right thing.

Poison Ivy

She sensed him coming, her flowers screaming at her to save herself. part of me wants to hope she took one look at that abomination and noped the fuck out of there to slaughter swamp or something. but we know ivy, she stands her ground like a tree planted by a river. she looks people like batman and joker right in the eye and down the barrel of a gun and says “no, you move” Shes not a good person, but in this verse she might as well be the hero of the story, maybe the only meta human in gotham who stood a chance against him. The batman who laughs was scared of her and thats why she had to die. if she’d just minded her own business she might still be here but no. She dares the batman who laughs to come for her, she’s going to take him out. for what he did to her plants, to gotham, to HER home and HER friends. unfortunately for her ivy was one of the first on his kill list. She doesn't go down without a fight. ironically it was her human qualities, the human drive to help people that got her killed. she heard one of the robins crying and went to investigate. the batman who laughs doesn't care about those robins, he’s got a basement full of jokerized kids to throw at people. 1 to trick her and a few more to hold her down while he doused the lot of them with weedkiller and gasoline then poof.

i doubt the botanical gardens will ever be the same. 

Scarecrow

part of me wants to say he’s loving this. He’s enjoying all the suffering and sadness and fear as the batman who laughs murders everyone and everything from the dandelions upwards . but he cant, not just because he’s not the one causing it. this is fear without meaning or purpose, this is killing hope so thoroughly that there is nothing left for people to fear, not even death. he’s not so foolish as to think he wont also be on the batman who laughs chopping block. so he makes himself scarce, works on a toxin that might be able to stop him or even slow him down so someone has a shot at it. Jon knows hes going to die, its only a matter of time before that thing calling itself the darkest knight sends one of his minions to his doorstep. He’s been working on something to try and help the rabid robins. he has a small soft spot in his cold obsidian heart for kids and looking at these creatures makes him physically ill. 

he thinks hes made a breakthrough, thinks he’s finally got a formula that will effect batman and the joker and hopefully, whatever abomination they’ve become . he decides theres no time like the present to try it out when word of the other rouges deaths reach him. he’s the last one left and thats....well its scary. His surprise attack works, the robins go down without a fight, screaming and scratching at their faces, their throats and each other. regrettable but if he stops the darkest knight now, maybe jon can help them. Just when he thinks he’s got him, scarecrow goes down. so close, he falls at the finishing line, his toxin having as much effect as a gentle summers breeze. Much like the original scarecrow , the batman who laughs likes using guns. For jon however? he makes an exception. poor scarecrow gets eviscerated by his own scythe, pilfered from arkham asylum by the batman who laughs. gotta love the classics, right?

Riddler

Riddler was second on his kill list. only because the batman who laughs knew how much it would annoy riddler not to be at the top. He’s another rogue who stood a chance of stopping him if he really tried. sadly edward is nowhere near as altruistic as harvey, and could never be as strong as ivy. He likes to think his escape is for everyone's benefit. live to fight another day and all that. He learned from harvey and pamelas mistakes, took one look at this new batman and his creepy kids and said “fuck that noise” and tried to run. except he didn't really try. god if he’d only gotten out of the city, he would have been the only rogue that survived. the batman who laughs looks at him like a pathetic insect, unworthy of notice. he’d have killed riddler eventually, maybe put him in a riddle with no answer or a trap with no escape for extra irony points but he wasn't about to stop the little green cockroach from skittling away.  but of course, riddlers ego got in the way; he just HAD to try and best this new batman, no matter how much he scared the shit out of riddler he just HAD to try. and of course, pride comes before downfall. 

The batman who laughs helpfully provided riddler with some rope to help break his fall. 

Harley Quinn

some part of her was happy to have joker back. he was different, scarier but she was used to the abuse. what she wasn't used to were all the kids. she recognised damian wayne but didn't quite put the pieces together to realise it was bruce under there. she thought maybe he was just a random casualty . she tried hard to look after the kids but they act like animals rather than humans, there was nothing she could do.As time went on she found it harder and harder to sit at the right hand of this clown prince of horrors. harley has always been along for the ride, but how are you supposed make the whole world laugh if everyone in it is dead? i dont know what happens to harley in this world. either she leaves and much like joker, the batman who laughs fails to notice, shes killed by him because he was bored or she does when the world is destroyed by barbatos. either way, no happy endings here. 

Thanks for this incredibly depressing ask Ghostly T-T

im kidding, im kidding it was fun! it makes me wish i knew what the everloving FUCK was going on with this verse so i could enjoy it properly. the only comic store i know of has been closed since like march of last year and i don't know what im looking for on amazon to actually order them. i have 1 issue of nth metal but it was interesting enough that i want the collection.

if anyone knows what the collection is actually called hmu bc i wanna buy it. 

yes i could read it online but i like owning the hard copies. 

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm!💜💙🧡💛💚❤️

[mattelektras]

Im not the anon that asked but I would love to hear the serious answer on why you love elektra because I love her too 💗 and I feel like not enough people love her lol

hard to do this without getting into My Issues as a person because thats a huge part of why i just. vibe with her so hard. but GENERAL things 

i joke a lot about how i like women who are mean but i REALLY DO LIKE WHEN WOMEN ARE MEAN!!!!!! women who’ve had shitty things happen to them and it hasnt made them kinder or nicer or whatever. not women who dont not take shit because theyre strong n independent or whatever trope we’re on this week but women who dont take shit because they know they dont have to and they dont have to be nice about not taking shit. women should be mean n not worry about being gentle and letting people down gently when they have no reason to listen to them in the first place 

negative character development baby!!!!!!!! she started out as a nice wholesome college girl who wanted to fight her cause and help the world, but then these shit things just KEEP happening to her no matter what she does, whether she kills people or she doesnt, it never seems to get better for her and i just love how that SHOWS. she comes off as cold, she’s a little bitter, she doesnt trust people, she doesnt commit to friendships or relationships easily, she doesnt trust anyone, the list goes on. it just very realistic to me how shes allowed to be all of those things that are usually afforded to grizzled male characters like batman and the punisher and any other dude with stubble and a dead girlfriend 

all that being said, she has a lot of her fundamental beliefs like she DOES, despite herself, believe people can be good inherently, she just doesnt believe it’s her. she’s a staunch defender of women and kids who've been in shitty situations because she wouldnt want what shes had for anyone else

she canonically has depression and has taken medication for it for a long time, even before her father died in some comics, and she’s believably (to me at least. which might say something about me but. next) someone who grew up w depression and thats just how she is. she doesnt emote much, even negatively. and imo, a lot of depictions of depression are based in like... heightened sadness?? idk how else to phrase it, and whilst that can be the case, its not the only way depression shows itself and i just.... relate to her version of it so much

the fact that she was created by one of the most misogynistic comic creators in the history of the medium who wanted an outlet for his hard on for japanese culture who’d die after her first outing, and shes evolved into such a complex, difficult, unique female character who exists so strongly outside of the man she was written to support 

her potential!!!!! she has a best friend within the xmen but shes never interacted with the team as a whole, she has a complicated relationship with black widow who she has so much in common with and would have SUCH a good rapport with, and theres so much to be explored with them in regards to organisations moulding them to be something. she’s died twice and come back not quite the same. can she even die???? what has hand magic done to her??? shes immune to their control, what else has it changed about her??? someone with a brain and taste write a comic about it

while she is completely human, she’s got such total control over her own mind and body that she can slow her heartbeat so no one knows when shes lying, she can hold her breath whilst fighting the purple man so he never gets control of her, she can, to a certain unknown extent “””throw””” her mind at other people’s to immobilise them. there’s a lot that needs to be filled in there but shes potentially very powerful even outside of her physical abilities 

one of, if not my absolute favourite thing about her is that you do NOT get to fuck her over twice. bullseye killed her once with her own weapons, she’s a) beat him every time since to the point where he’s openly admitted she was always better than him and b) had her weapons modified to electrocute anyone who touches them that isnt her. she doesnt let herself be hurt twice in the same way. shes just so protective of herself which comes off as being manipulative or cold or that she only really cares for her own wellbeing, which isnt true but she does what she’s gotta do

which is how we get into the whole murdering for money thing like. she doesnt enjoy killing, she doesnt care for the money, she does it because the things thatve happened to her have made her the sort of person who CAN kill and she sees that as being what shes good for. so if thats what she is, she’ll do it well and use her own murderous skills to do good in the only way she thinks shes capable of 

ALL THAT BEING SAID. shes not infallible, in secret invasion when she encounters bullseye, she physically shakes like, shes TERRIFIED, but she gets her shit together in a second and shuts that off so she can do what she has to do

and speaking of secret invasion, she was the catalyst for this whole universe altering event and no one ever gave a shit about her except for logan!!!! she lost months of her life and her bodily autonomy and she never once asked for help or got any support and she just got the fuck on with it!!!! jessica got a whole comic about her trauma with the ending being that people DO love and care for her but elektra never got that. she’s just incredibly strong and even if she wasnt, no one would ever know because she deals with it alone

shes just so fucking GOOD at what she does and she rarely gets recognised for that like 

wolverine has said she’s more dangerous than him

she took down an entire helicarrier full of shield agents 

she took down 3 super skrulls, two of them disguised as the two people she loves most (logan and matt) and again, just!!!! got!!! on with!!!! it!!!!!

got kicked out of the chaste for being too angry or whatever when in fact, stick just didnt like the fact that she was better than the rest of his secret ninja group

matt knows she’s better than him, and that if an enemy can take her out, then he doesnt stand a chance 

and finally, just the pretene and mythology to her is really... something. being based on a greek play in name and vague backstory in regards to her father but it being so much more deep and woven in than that, to the point where, if you read electra by sophocles, which i have many times for this specific reason, you would think she came first. and frank miller is NOT that smart to have done it all by himself. she is herself such a refined, classic concept with modern ties but also this ancient ass mythology that  makes her so much more than just something marvel did like they do not have the range

idk. she means a lot to me in a way thats kind of embarrassing to admit in regards to a drawing in some comics, most of which i dont even LIKE. you will not catch me being this emotional for any other bitch. i love her so much and whether im projecting or not, no character will ever be Mine (copyright pending) in quite the same way

[juni-ravenhall]

my opinions on mistfall!

under a cut bc spoilers and/or not everyone wants to read :D 

overall experience: 

its fun that there IS a sso cartoon now even if its not exactly amazing quality, and im happy to see if there will be more series or movies after this. it was fun to watch and see sso things in cartoon form too and i wish that we had more already (of sso animation in general). imagine if there had been a ssl cartoon? i also kept thinking throughout this, that it wouldn’t be hard for me myself to make an animated series with around the same length episodes and in a similar quality to this (aside from voice acting and music production), which made me feel a little inspired.

favourite scene:

skye taking photos of blaze and hanging out

positive points: 

i like the background art a lot, i think the style of it, and the colour schemes, helps give the series a specific vibe that fits for an sso series in my opinion. 

i like the concept art (i assume) illustrations which we saw in the recipes and other posts on sso ig, i think it looks a lot better than the characters in the series, but thats normal for concept art!!

the music is really good quality (whether or not its your taste, the quality is good) which is ofc bc its sso - theres already good music and not something they only did for the cartoon but something they care about in all of the starstable media. 

i think skye is a nice character (despite the series’ overall low quality writing) and i like her design. i also think rania’s cartoon design (visually) is cute.

skye and rania being a teensy bit gay (minus points for sso if they dont end up really gay in later canon)

i like that blaze wasnt actually like... mean or anything to skye, and i like that shes a mare since typical stories like this usually have stallions. but i just like that there wasnt really any “ooh difficult horse” things between skye and blaze in the current time of the story, blaze actually was sweet to her most the time. blaze seemed pretty charming whenever there wasnt “omg fire” drama. 

the animation itself (not meaning the details of the drawings or scene timing, just the actual frame by frame / puppet movements) was fine! not amazing, but absolutely fine.

points i have constructive criticism for, which doesn’t mean that i expected more from the series, but that we’re all allowed to discuss the quality and our opinions of media regardless of the target audience, budget, etc:

the writing was childish and rushed - this is not to be rude, but a matter that affects a lot of “media for girls / kids”, and a topic talked a lot about by Lauren Faust (creator of the FiM reboot of MLP) who wanted to show that a show about rainbow ponies “for little girls” didn’t have to be badly written, and could be engaging and interesting. if you watch the older MLP cartoons and compare to the first season of FiM (where Faust was still on the team) you can see a huge difference in quality of the storytelling, characterisation, etc. Mistfall, so far, did not subvert any expectation in the quality of what typical “cartoons for girls” are like, and is reminiscent of stuff like “The Ranch” (french horse cartoon) which imo is so bad that its hard to watch. (and ofc... that goes for a lot of “cartoons for girls / kids”, but doesn’t have to be like that.) in order to improve on this, the writer has to study more on storytelling and study from better writers.

on the topic of being rushed: no, it’s not an excuse that the episodes are short: - you have to ADAPT your storytelling and writing to the length of the episodes, not do a bad job and blame the episode length. being able to adapt to different types of media is a necessary skill if that’s what you work with. this comes down to proper planning and structuring the story and writing in a way that works for the length of the episodes. i don’t think that was overall done well here (at times it was okay), and bc of that, it feels rushed and has exposition thrown in your face instead of being shown through better storytelling. the classic thing with exposition is “show, don’t tell”. this is what the writers/directors should study, or pay more attention to. 

the timing (length of shots, length of scenes, or parts of shots, etc) was rly bad at times and overall unimpressive - this comes down to the skill of directors and editors. to improve this they have to study more on the topic. bad timing and pacing can really ruin a good scene or a good story and make it feel disconnected and hard to immerse in for the audience.

the artstyle of characters and horses is fine at times, but appears very low quality at others (skye’s childhood scene really bothered me bc her kid-self had really badly drawn eyes in my opinion). this, like everything else on this list, is ofc something that appears in almost every single “cartoon for girls” that ever existed. to improve on this, most likely it’s not a problem with the artists but with the budget and the production timeline (allowing the artists more time to produce better quality art and animation), and it can also be a problem with the art direction, if the art directors aren’t very skilled or experienced (i don’t say that they aren’t, im just giving examples of what could cause these problems.)

the character design for all characters that aren’t skye, rania, or blaze was very lacking. none of the not-main-3 characters looked interesting or fun to look at, they looked very dull and like the most boring NPCs you could think of. even though its understandable that the mainest-main characters would have the most interesting designs, that doesn’t mean everyone else has to look that boring. this is an issue with art direction or character design. i think most likely there was just very little time (equals money) put into designing the other characters.

the horse design could be improved for a cartoon that focuses on horses this much. like, horses are a big part of the selling point here, so make sure that their designs and art/animation is good. at times even blaze looked awkward and uninteresting, as did the other horses.

“alonso” looks nothing like sso alonso and i don’t like that they used his character if it’s not going to have anything to do with him. they should have given this character a different name if they wouldn’t make him seem like he had anything to do with the sso character aside from being a male ranger. (also in the game he’s like 22 or something, skye is 15...?)

why did they add a “he’s cute” dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment for literally no reason other than adding a dumbass fucking stupid hetero comment?

considering that they “can’t confirm whether a sequel is happening or not”, it seemed very meh to throw in druid cult magic stuff and not really connect to it and now the series ended? you would have expected to find out more about the cloaked people, the runes, the magic that the ranger guy did, and blaze’s magic in general, and skye herself, why her mom is “a witch”.... thats a lot to throw in while saying that you can’t say if there’s a sequel coming to answer all those questions. (it wouldn’t have been a criticism from me if they said “we’re working on season 2″ or “there will be a comic book that continues the story” or anything that told us that these questions, in this particular iteration of a story in jorvik, will actually be answered. - and i assume they ARE working on the continuation of the story, but i dont agree with that they’re not upfront about it, when they left so many questions unanswered.)

at times rania’s blindness was handled stupidly and i think they should have gotten more consultation from actual people with visual impairment, but i think its still good to HAVE a blind character in the main cast and that it’s not a big dramatic story thing but just an everyday thing. at some points it was fine though; and i personally don’t think the scene with rania being able to see blaze was necessarily a problem - because - a lot of blind ppl can see sharp contrasts in light and dark, and this seemed relatively realistic to me when blaze is on fire. (however, the way it was drawn as if she could see the whole shape of blaze and skye could be criticised for sure, and makes it feel more like “i can see because of magic” and not “i can see bc THIS MARE IS ON FIRE”). 

personal opinion which i said before, but i don’t think rania’s voice fits her at all, and it’s not the voice actor’s fault (i’m sure they’re lovely) but the casting and the directors. from the sso character, rania would seem a lot more lively, quick and adventurous, and not as calm and gentle as she appeared here. she seemed a lot too sort of motherly or just adult, instead of an adventurous teen who runs off on her own to do whatever she feels like. compare in-game rania going “MC, thats a jorvik wild!!!” and alonso going “stop talking nonsense” (paraphrased), to Mistfall rania going “jorvik wilds are really rare...” (calm, sort of disinterested, doesnt seem like she cares that much about adventures)

the voice acting overall was meh. i see this as a direction problem, not an individual voice actor problem (and the writing didnt help - it’s hard to provide good quality acting with a poor script unless you can just toss the script aside and improv, if you have good actors). it felt childish and uninteresting at most points and generic low quality for “cartoons for girls”. from a voice acting perspective i think skye had the best result. anyway, the way to improve this is for the director in charge of voice acting to not direct the actors to perform in this childish manner. (again, refer to cartoons with better writing and better voice acting, that have a very similar target audience.)

ok, i think that was everything that i wanted to write about for now, might think of more later lol

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : Choir Group

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  Sometimes a family is 2 adults and 2 kids. But sometimes a family is a choir full of hero hopefuls.

(aka, what if everyone knew eachother from a choir group? what soft musical stuff can i cram into this au?) 

yagi does the allmight on the down-low

he had to leave broadway cause all for one ruined his organs

everyone in 1 a knows that yagi is all might but hes trying so hard to keep his secret so they just ignore it

izu wants to be a hero but hes scared of people so he joined a choir when he was smol

bakugou joined cause he wanted to beat izuku, they bonded a bit n its a more friendly rivalry

all of 1a was in the choir before ua, they are all shook that their class is just other choir kids

big three are the current choir leaders n izu was so proud they are the us big three too because he knew them when he was smol, baku n izu are the youngest in the top level

todoroki joined to spite his dad hes really good tho

mina lives for the dance group

iida is a baritone he sing low n hes a good boy, they are very proud of him cause hes one of the youngest in baritone, hes v proud too

ochako is an alto and I love her

monoma is a tenor n katsuki wants to kick him out of his section

tsuuyu is an alto too because i want someone to be a soprano but tsuuyu its too nice to be

jirou is a blessed alto

yaomomo is a soprano the poor girl

izuku is a soft alto boy! He had such a good upper range they thought hes be wasted in tenor

shinso is a soft tenor boy and has a singers crush on izuku

"oh my god hes just so fucking good he can dance too what the fuck guys. hes the only male alto im fucking shook he has the range of a god"

in their final year todo is the choral leader, bakugo is dance leader and izu is choir leader

villains are too scared to attack when they sing

aizawa was in the top level when izu joined

he was dance leader while in ua too because it was "only logical" he have a physical hobby (mic loved choir n aizawa loved seeing him that happy)

izu thought he was fucking amazing n thats why he wanted to join

n then he sees erazerhead n mic on tv when hes 8

yells to his mum "mama!!! thats zashi!! n shouta!! he had the dance solo when i joined" n inko doesnt know if izuku is right or not but she nods along and smiles anyway

first day of ua izu sees shouta n just gasps

"iTs HIm"

bakugo looks over

"oh my fuck it is isnt it"

aizawa is shook and confused

bakugo just sighs "its your fault deku is a fucking choir gay i hope you know that. you just had to be fucking competent didnt you"

all 1a student know each other from choir n they all have a big hug fest before the quirk test

"oH mY god its a soprano without a stick up her ass what are the chances" "jirou be nice to momo i know you hate sopranos but they have done nothing to you"

mineta exists in this au, as the only one not in choir. hes confused and then expelled the first day

aizawa is glad he was terrible because now he has his lil choir class, not that hed ever fucking admit it

1a harmonizes their bus songs and they learn all their choir repertoire on the bus trips around as  aizawa conducts

durring the usj izu n tsuuyu hum together to stay calm

izuku n todoroki are actually singing together durring their big fight, everyone in the audience is shook

its just because they are trying not to cry

because izu n todo have the "its your power" convo before the fight cause they are already friends, so izu is just trying to make him feel better about the argument he had with his dad

todoroki feels a lil more comfy so he brings up his flames n izu weeps n gives him a hug before they keep fighting

they sing stronger than you jokingly at the end of their fight

izu wins but only justttt. him n todo hug n laugh as they leave the field. yagi cries a lil for his boys.

izu n baku’s fight n it ends in a draw because they blow eachother out of the ring n they are both salty as

they have a dance battle refed by aizawa later (baku wins, izuku gives him soul custody of the medal)

enji would have a stroke

yamada was singing along the whole time other the speaker. Aizawa muted him but he just used his quirk

tenya had lots of good friends n doesnt hunt down stain, he n 1a go to hatsume about leg braces for tensei

tenya teaches tensei his choir choreography so he can get used to his braces

the boys do run into stain but they were minding they own business

they singing while they fight to stay in time n stay brave

stain is very confused but hes bopping along

todo starts it cause it made him feel better during the sports festival cause izu is crying

"you guys are true heros im so sorry about this but i really need to kill native"

"thanks i guess? but we gon fucking boop to you drop bitch"

"ToDorOkI nO"

"iida hes trying to kill us we can call him a bitch"

stains huming the song they were singing as he carted away to fucking jail

"what a goddamn boop, they heros of music"

training camp is the same time as choir camp n 1a is shook n they are conflicted. aizawa gets training camp moved back a week

(the villains still attack but they tried to assault an empty camp first n thats funny)

the fight through the earth beasts is just 1a singing literally every song they know theyd finish a song, n theres a second wait while everyone races to think of something they all know before they scream out the title n start them all off

they sang bohemian rhapsody 5 times

1a arrives at traing camp like

"we just had fuck choir camp you dont scare us"

1a wasnt joking they arent phased by the summer camp. 1b is crying

bakugo gets kidnapped n just hums softly

shinso made it in after the festival because aizawa thought he was promising n it was another choir boy zawa has to protect them no hes not going soft zashi shut up

"bitch you villains have nothing on ms king fuck she had me shook"

the bakugo rescuse is the same but its more of 1a n no one was trying to talk them out of it very well

"its dangerous, dont get hurt" "we wont" "yeah ok"

they hold hands while they watch the allmight fight cause they are too scared to let go

then they run back onto the field to allmight after the fight n they hug n cry a lot

they go with yagi to the hospital n sing dumb songs together while he gets a checkup

izuku doesnt have to stop to wipe his nose, n bakugos voice doesnt shake n todoroki is pitch perfect of course (kiri and momo are ugly crying unabashedly. tenya is trying to find tissues)

bakugo totally doesnt hide his tears n growl that thy need a shitty nerd to lead them so they dont get to good

he yells at everyone cause he was scared but he can’t make himself be too mean cause they are his smol kids

mic smiles n mutters that aizawa has really gone soft on this class n aizawa just hides his face in mics shoulder n pretends he wasnt scared out of his mind for them

all of them grab his hand

izuku hugs bakugo saying they all need the future dance leader, after all no one else is as good as him

aizawa wants to be mad but hes proud that his kids didnt get hurt and were smart n improved so much

in the dorms they draw up a birthday list n anyone whos birthday has already been gets a new birthday

they wake them up at 6am you sing happy birthday n they birthday kid gets to pick the music on the bus n in the kitchen

bakugo n sato bake

iida, shinso n izuku are harmonizing while trying to eat breakfast but its bean 5 minutes n they havent eaten anything

bakugo shoves toast into izus mouth as he walks past to make himself some coffee

izuku sings around the toats

bakugo groans n sings over him

"i Just wanTed Coffee"

"BitcH we gOttA hArmoNiZe"

ochako, mina n tsuuyu are going over their dance infront of the couch, satou n tokoyami are gently sparring around bowls of oats and fruit

aizawa is humming as he cuts up some fruit for him and mic

sero sticks sheetmusic to the walls with his quirk so they can go over it as they do other stuff

shinso plays the goddamn switch piano as a backing track n bakugo is mad that hes impressed

yagi visits n tells them all hes so proud of them n listens to their sing their favourite songs with them n listens to izuku gush about new musicals almost as much as he talks about heroes

bakugo saltily adds on little bits of info

shinso n izuku dramatically reinact musicals together as they spar, (obedient servant is their fave beat eachother up song)

they get out musical soundtracks n people call dibs on the songs they want to fight to, aizawa mans the speakers and acts as the ref as bakugo n izuku fight to alexander Hamilton

ochako n todoroki fight to my shot cause it means a lot to both of them

the kids not fighting are singing the song on the sidelines. aizawa sings along too but he wont admit it

( he n izuku sing a lil duet for the room where it happens, mic claps n yagi cries)

no one fights for the last song cause everyone is busy singing n crying. - aizawa only cried cause he had dry eye ok nothing more

bakusquad always fights over the jefferson n layfette parts, they all wanna sing them solo

izuku starts with history has its eyes on you, looks at yagi n then starts to cry

yagi starts to cry too

he n yagi hug n leave training for a min to get icecream

izu grabs yagi n full cowl jumps to get icecream, makes yagi carry the icecream n jumps back

they eat icecream as 1a finishes up the musical sparring n they try not to cry some more

todoroki is still 100% conviced yagi is izus dad, hes just also conviced neither of them know it

yagi is very proud of his boy and very proud he didnt cough blood over his icecream

mic was his section leader when he was still in choir n zawa was the dance leader n they made the best duo

they were low on time due to hero training to they learnt their songs as they fought, w mic playing them through his phone as they beat up villains

they wouldnt let midnight practise with them because the fights finished too quickly so they didnt get a chance to sing

yagi wasnt in that particular choir, or any choir really but he loved to sing, would hum to victims to make them feel better and sung on tv for fans and charity

he starts teaching at the choir after the retires from hero work because he misses working and he really thinks the kids are delightful

yagi is a good choir dad n cries at all the concerts, n at the gigs, n when ever they do well really

they get nicknamed the hero course choir because so many ua students go/have gone

there are normal highschoolers of course but the ua students wont be outdone and are the best in the class

aizwa tells vlad they sing during sparring for breath support and stamina, and then decides thats actually a good reason n makes that the official reason, ignoring "it makes them smile" and "these kids have had enough intense fights"

[musgo]

5 6 19

thank you so much for sending sdcjnskjdn i uhhhh recorded all of these basically immediately after you sent them but then i listened back and felt like i suonded so annoying and went on too long and my pronunciation wasnt very clear so i postponed posting them sdjnvdjs i decided to transcribe what i said (under read more) cause that makes me feel better abt it. 

5. I’ll talk about what I did today

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0z7uDDcKzjQ

6. I’ll talk about something I’m obsessed with/currently interested in

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0iLq52dlB1y  (the very good video i talk about: https://youtu.be/-6lMD9h_ix4)

19. I’ll talk about something I’m proud of

https://vocaroo.com/i/s0lPPvmwbvbI this ones the most ebarassing cause i decided to have fun and try switching to my alternative, vaguely british-inspired “accent”,,,, also the cohesion ... she just wasnt there.

5. today i went to college. i was really late and i missed the first class. i only attended one class today, cause i only have two classes per day rn - thats definitely gonna change next semester but anyway - the class was really good, the subject is Introduction to Literary Studies (i took a while cause i had to translate it from portuguese) but um yeah the class was about why humans create fiction. why humans.. you know.. how humans...... Human Nature is such that we are unsatisfied with reality and we create other lives and other experiences through fiction. and it’s not necessarily that we don’t like our reality, it could just be that it’s not enough; like, you could rly like your reality but you still have an innate, like.. NEED for experiencing Other Things that you couldnt in your own life. thats basically what the argument was, it was really interesting. and i rly like the teacher, she’s rly cool. so after that class i just had some lunch DELICIOUS the food in my college is so good ugh i love it so much and it’s just 2 reais for         for lunch when you’re a student there and it’s so good i’m.. ugh it’s the best part of college        cause its rly rly rly cheap for us students and it’s really good like It didnt even have to be that good cause it’s so cheap but it’s REALLY GOOD hh     um... yeah i love it  AND THEN after having lunch i went to the library which is a luh--another thing i rly like about my college cause  it’s the biggest library in my university.   so.. i study in the universtiy of são paulo which is one of the biggest universities in brasil .... so.. the campus is like rly huge and .. [i realized i was just explaining what a university is fsr?????? ]  uhhhh yeah i went to my library. [????? MY LIBRARY??? i dont own a library.] and i love my library theres like. i love to just walk around and see.   ��The Books cause theres like.. so such interesting books. and like books in so many languages... ugh it’s amazing so i went there to actually find some english learning books and i did , cause im trying to teach my sister english andt..    yeah i found this session-- Section. where theres all these    language learning books so theres like             a couple shelves that are like just english learning books and then theres a shelf thats just like japanese learning and then a couple shelves for russian   thens ome korean  some frickin SANSKRIT  latin ancient greek just everything . theeres also like indigenous south american languages which i was really happy to see and im definitely gonna check that out eventually but for today i just took the english ones cause ..  yeah i cant really  i dont really that much time and everyone for all that right now with college ..     AND THEN the rest of my day was that i left my phone!! cause i went to take the bus and  i left my pjhone on the bus stop.      i feel like my entonation is really annoying right now but yeah.. so yeah i left my phone on the bus stop and i was so scared.  i went back to the bus stop    got off the bus [wrong order] and it wasnt there , i went in the building - my college has 3 buildings for the different courses - i went in one of them cause i assumed it would be there because it was the closest to the bus stop so if somebody found my phone on the bus stop they wouldve taken it there and  left it there with the recepcionist or whatever so i went there and it wasnt there so iwas like “oh no its not here . maybe i left it in the bus instead of the bus stop and i just didnt notcie that it like fell from my pocket or sth.” so i took the bus again and went to the terminal which is where it would be if somebody found it in the bus and gave it to someone responsible for that stuff. but it obviously wasnt there. so i went home, very sad, This whole thing lasted like 2 hours and then its like over an hour for me to come home from college cause yk i live in a neighbouring city which is pretty close but its still an hour to an hour and a half everyday to go and ..... to go to and fro. is that how you say that expression idk . ...    and then when i got home!!!! i wnt in the facebook group of my college [course] to see if somebofy had posted something about a lost phone and Yes They Had they posted a photo of my phone and i was like oh thank god so im gonna get it back tomorrow. now im home im looking at my cat. occasionally looking after my nephews and my niece. and thats my day

6. i was sitting here thinking.. trying to think of something   and i remembered that--..............   Cause its rly hard for me to answer these questions where itsj ust one thing and i just..................          i just draw a blank whenever i get these questions but im just gonna say something that happened recently cause it was like : yesterday i found this video on youtube of a    an .. anemone? Swimming     like this starfish touches it and it like Changes Form it Elongates and just starts shaking to like get away. and its amazing it reminded me of how much i like Cnidarians(????)  the phylum .  the group of animals that includes jellyfish and corals, basically.   its just so cool like they alternate like one of the.... oh my gosh my house is so loud uhh...       yeah they like its really crazy i dont actually know a lot about it but i just think its so cool like the corals .. they.. reproduce.. and like.. their offspring sometimes is A Jellyfish . and then the Jellyfish sometimes produce Corals.   cause you look at the two things and they dont rly look that similar but they Are basically one and the same, and theyre Animals both of them just the same.  theyre just like inverted when you think about. its really cool and i didnt know that corals could MOVE like that just Get Out like... DeTach . from their thing and just start Swimming!! i had no idea that was a thing but yeah basically something that im obsessed with is um animals like that. the animals that arent chordates. so like sponges, cnidarians,  frickin ummmm echinoderms. You Can look at My Tags Page i have that stuff listed. i love it cause its so fun when you think about how theyre animals so theyre like closer to us structurally and cellularly than to other things.

19. you know. when people are mad at me for doing something not as fast as one possibly could or somethin like not understanding what they said or doing something a little bit wrong like following instructions a little wrong and you know when its not rly that important and people get mad and me for that and stuff.. i just.. i feel really happy that i'm not like that. cause i feel like most people around me.. they ARE like that like they just get so mad.. they allow themselves to get so mad about small things.. and i dont know i like that im pretty patient and i dont mind having to wait or to instruct someone a few times and correct them until they get it right and teach them and... all that. i dont know like i feel like.. idk im proud of myself for not like picking fights and getting mad at people for things that dont rly matter cause.. idk people around me do that a lot it makes me rly sad like... idk thats something i like abt myself i think i can like I'll feel angry sometimes and dont get me wrong anger is very necessary and its a very good thing when it is like... whats that word? its like... freakin.. deserved [i think the word i was looking for is "warranted"] like be angry at freakin capitalism or sth freakin racism you know set people on fire for that kinda stuff. but for small things on daily life i think people let it get to them too easily. and just create.. idk. it makes me sad so im happy that i dont have a lot of these impulses in these situations and when i do feel peeved from something petty im able to hold back cause im like.. its not worth it its just... this is so small. i'm.... you know? its not worht it.

[flickerofcalum]

once bitten, twice shy | part two

part 1 // shoot me a message if you wanna be added to a taglist!

The worst part of it all was, despite the changes, Luke could still see all the parts of Brinley that he’d fallen in love with. The parts of her he was still in love with, if he was being honest with himself. He was more fucked than he’d previously realized.

“It was the craziest thing, bro. One minute she was throwing a drink in my face and the next thing I know, she’s got her hand down my pants and her tongue down my throat. I mean, I’m not complaining, but it was confusing as hell.”

Luke rolled his eyes from where he sat on Michael’s couch, listening to him recount the previous evening’s events to Ashton and Calum, Michael hadn’t stopped talking about hooking up with Olivia since they stumbled into his parents’ home early that morning, but thankfully, he’d mostly been too distracted to really pay close attention to his friend anyway. He was unable to stop thinking about his run-in with Brinley the night before.

When he’d decided to come home for Christmas, he’d prepared himself for the worst. He’d known immediately that she wouldn’t want to seem him and honestly, he couldn’t blame her. The two of them had been together for such a long time, had their whole lives planned out with each other, and Luke had selfishly flipped the script on her at the very last minute. He hated himself for it every day.

And god, he had missed her the entire time he’d been gone, but it felt even worse now that he’d laid eyes on her. Brinley had changed so much in their time apart – she was even more gorgeous, which he really hadn’t ever thought would be possible. Though it may have been a little creepy, he’d spent half the night watching her from across the room. He couldn’t stop picturing her long legs in the red dress, the cute way her lips curved up into a smile whenever she’d teased Calum, the delicate blush on her pale cheeks whenever someone gave her a compliment.

The worst part of it all was, despite the changes, Luke could still see all the parts of Brinley that he’d fallen in love with. The parts of her he was still in love with, if he was being honest with himself. He was more fucked than he’d previously realized.

“Earth to Luke,” Ashton’s fingers snapped in front of his face, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Are you alive in there?”

Luke blinked a few times. “Sorry. I was just…thinking.”

“About Brinley?” Calum questioned bluntly, raising a dark eyebrow at him. Luke had never really been comfortable discussing Brinley with Calum, and since their break up, he’d tried to avoid the topic all together. While the dark-haired man was one of his best friends, he knew that Calum’s history with his ex went back further than Luke’s history with either of them.

Luke chewed on his bottom lip, scratching his fingers along his stubbled jaw nervously. “I just didn’t think that seeing her again was gonna be so hard, you know?” He sighed a bit. “And she wouldn’t even look at me.”

“Well, you did abandon her right before the two of you were supposed to go off to college together, mate. Can you really blame her?” Michael pointed out, barely looking up from his phone. Luke shot him a glare. He didn’t really need a reminder of what he’d done to Brinley. It was already on his mind more than he would ever admit out loud.

Ashton reached over to pinch Michael’s thigh, eliciting a shriek from red-haired boy. “Not helping, Mike.” He looked back at Luke, his eyes soft and pitying. “She probably just needs some time.”

Luke shrugged sadly. At the party, Brinley hadn’t been able to get away from him fast enough – the chances of her changing her mind about wanting to speak to him were probably slim. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that Brinley was still in love with him. Not only was she beautiful, but she also was incredibly smart, talented, funny, and had the kindest soul out of anyone Luke had ever met. If they hadn’t already, it was only a matter of time before someone else came into her life and swept her off her feet, treated her the way she deserved to be treated. Luke was afraid that he was too late.

“She looked good, though, right? Like…she looks like she’s happy,” Luke said finally. Even if she was never his again, that was all he wanted for her.

He watched as Calum shared a look with Ashton he couldn’t quite read before he reached over to pat Luke’s thigh. “Yeah, man. She’s happy.”

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

The cold air stung his skin as he walked outside, causing him to curse under his breath. When he’d promised his mother he’d come home for the holidays, he’d forgotten how goddamn cold it got there. He didn’t have a lot of warm clothes since he lived in Los Angeles, so he wrapped himself up in one of Jack’s old winter coats. There was a gap between the sleeve and the gloves he was wearing, but it was better than nothing.

Normally, Luke avoided going outside at all costs in the winter, but after being locked up in his childhood bedroom for nearly a week, his mother forced him out of the house with a grocery list. Worst of all, he was without a car, so he had no choice but to make the small trek to the store on foot. It was only about a ten-minute walk, but the frigid weather made it feel like hours.

His cheeks and the tips of his ears were red by the time he arrived at the store. The heat was blasting, something he was grateful for when he walked inside. He grabbed a cart and furrowed his brows as he looked at his mother’s list. It occurred to him that he hadn’t been grocery shopping since he moved to Los Angeles. Most of the time, Ashton took care of that sort of thing or they ate take out. “Milk, egg whites, cereal…” he mumbled to himself underneath his breath as he wandered down the aisles, putting the items in the cart. He was pretty sure he had grabbed the wrong brand of cereal, but it was his mother’s own fault for sending him here.

He stood in front of the milk, thoughtfully looking between all the different types. His mother had been on a health kick lately, so would she want almond milk instead? Was he supposed to buy the store’s off brand version since it was cheaper? Luke had been standing there for far too long whenever he heard his name called out by a sweet little voice.

Brinley turned the corner, an exasperated look on her face as she tried to stop her little sister who was barreling towards Luke. He took in a sharp breath as he saw her. She was only in a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, her hair thrown messily on top of her head, but she still looked as beautiful as ever to him. “Mallory, no running! You’re going to hurt yourself.”

The man grinned as he bent down to Mallory’s level, catching her when she launched herself into his arms. Luke had always had a soft spot for the younger girl, partly because she was the spitting image of her sister. He was a little amazed at how much she’d grown since he’d last seen her, a heavier weight against him than he was used to.

“There is no way you’re Mallory,” He said teasingly. “You are far too big to Mallory.”

Mallory rolled her eyes, propping a hand on her hip as she looked at him. “That’s ‘cause I grew up, dummy.”

“Mallory, be polite,” Brinley chastised. She locked eyes with Luke for a moment before she looked away with flushed cheeks.

Luke turned his attention back to the younger girl. “My apologies, Ms. All Grown Up. Who said you could grow up while I was gone, hm?”

His smile only grew as the little girl giggled, revealing her missing tooth. “I can’t help it!” She insisted, gripping Luke’s hand once he stood up.

Looking at Brinley again, he dared to speak. “It’s good to see you. It’s a shame we didn’t get to talk at the party.”

Brinley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, looking up at him through her long eyelashes. “Oh, well… you know, Olivia kind of loses her mind when Michael’s around. I had to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Right,” Luke said with a nod, looking back down as Mallory started tugging on his sleeve.

“Luke, Luke! I’m in a Christmas play at my school. I play an angel!” She said excitedly.

Luke grinned. “An angel, huh? How fitting,” he teased, smoothing down her hair.

Mallory rose up on her tiptoes to speak to him. “Will you come see it?”

Brinley coughed. “Mal, I’m sure Luke is really busy…”

Although he knew Brinley didn’t really want him around, he hated the idea of disappointing Mallory by saying no. “I’m actually really not that busy,” he blurted out, chewing on his lip again. “I’d love to come, Mallory. If it’s okay with your sister.”

He felt only slightly guilty as Mallory turned towards her older sister with big eyes, a small pout forming on her lips. “Can he come? Pleaseeee?”

The older girl let out a sigh, giving Luke an exasperated look. “I guess so. Can you let me talk to Luke alone for a second?”

Mallory’s smile was wide as she hugged Luke around his legs for a moment. “Bye Lukey!”

“Bye, petal,” Luke said fondly.

He bit his lip as Mallory ran back over to their nearby cart, pulling the doll she’d left inside out. He’d gotten enough lectures from Brinley to know when she was about to chastise him about something, so he prepared himself as he looked at her. “Brin, look…”

“Don’t call me that,” Brinley snapped, holding one finger up to cut his sentence off.  Her gaze felt like it was piercing right through him and he had never felt quite so vulnerable in his life. “I know we’re going to be seeing each other a lot over the next few weeks, but I want to make it clear that I’m not interested in reconciling with you. You can come to her play, and we can be civil when we’re with our friends, but I don’t want anything to do with you other than that?”

At her words, Luke felt his heart jump into his throat. While he didn’t necessarily expect her to jump back into his arms, he at least thought she’d be willing to talk things out. “Can’t you just give me a chance to explain?” He said, a bit more pleadingly than he would’ve liked. “There’s so many things I have to say to you if you’d just give me five minutes.”

Brinley let out a humorless laugh. “If you wanted to explain yourself that bad, you would’ve done it by now. You can’t just show up here after all of this time and expect me to just bend to your will and listen to you.” She insisted. “I just… I just want to forget everything that happened between us. I’m done, I’ve moved on. And I suggest you do the same.”

Luke gaped after her as she stalked back over to Mallory. He’d been on the receiving end Brinley’s anger before, but he had never experienced her being so outwardly harsh. He felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest as he watched her walk away.

As he finished up the rest of his shopping, he felt numb, like he was on autopilot. The wind blew the cold air harshly around him as he walked, but it barely affected him. He’d always known that he’d fucked things up with Brinley, but it was starting to hit him that things between them were messed up beyond repair. The girl he loved wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and it hurt.

So, when Luke got home, he quickly put away the groceries before retiring to his room to deal with his feelings the only way he knew how. He locked his door, grabbed a notebook, and started writing.

[musherum]

long post -/ cael talks about her new asthma medication and recent Realizations

honestly? im noticing a lot of improvement since i started the new medication. its a corticosteroid, which is a kind of drug that is exclusively for treating constrictive asthma. there are two different types of asthma, see: theres inflammatory, which responds well to treatment with ventalin, the most common inhaler which provides immediate, “emergency” relief when you have an attack of inflammatory asthma, and theres constrictive, which doesnt respond to it at all. this was the “missing link” i was looking for. i didnt know about the medication requirements for that form of asthma until a few days ago when i had a major attack of constrictive asthma.

it.... took me a lot to finally say to my mum “i need to go to a doctor. i am having a lot of trouble breathing, and i cannot function. i know this cannot be normal.” it took even more, though, to say to her that i needed to stay home that day, and miss the GED class im taking - even though the day before was the first session. my mom has screamed at me and called me a failure and an idiot before, when she caught me skipping school because of depression and fatigue. that was a very very big step for me, facing my fear of my mom yelling at me again. but i could not focus on anything, not with how laboured my breathing was. it was the frustration of not being able to sleep that finally pushed me over the edge - while i was up all night with my then untreated and untreatable asthma attack, i 

i told her my symptoms, and then explained to her my, uh, “theory” that i had a form of asthma that didnt respond to ventalin. i got the name wrong (i mixed up constrictive and inflammatory), but otherwise, i got it entirely correct. i was so scared that she might brush me off, like what had happened before with so many people when i was younger. it had even happened with other doctors. but, fortunatley, she quickly agreed with me that it appears i need a corticosteroid as well as my ventalin to treat my symptoms.

i didnt know, before very recently, that ventalin is exclusively for inflammatory asthma, or that constrictive asthma requires cordicosteroids to treat. all along, i thought i was just being lazy, or dumb, or panicking, or lying, or a that i just didnt care. because people have said things like this to me. all throughout my life. i would say, “i cannot breathe,” and they would say, “take your emergency (ventalin) puffer.” so i would. and when i said i still didnt feel better, after i took my ventalin puffer in front of them, they stopped believing it could be asthma. older people, the ones who were supposed to take care of kids when theyre hurting, were the MOST dissmissive of my complaints. because they thought they knew everything about what asthma was. better than a kid who had it.

i thought that whatever it was, it couldnt be asthma, because so many older people told me so. no one ever told me that constrictory asthma needed a different additional medication. no one told me that i needed it. everyone said that asthma could just be treated with a ventalin inhaler, period, and that if i was so out of breath, i should just use mine. and i did. and itd didnt work. so i figured... i must not have asthma. because surely an adult knows better than i do, right?

as i grew up, my memories faded as memories do - but none so much as that of the visit to the doctors when i was first diagnosed. i can remember only a precious handful of details now; a diagram that depicted the inside of the lungs, shown with one having its air-tubes contracted tightly, and the other clogged up with mucus. i forgot about it because i was full of self loathing, i feel like, at least in part - its much harder to control your emotions when you dont have enough oxygen to normally power your brain, and the bullying i withstood, while not violent, was very frequent. i was very much not a “popular kid,” ill leave it there. a lot of people hated me. and a lot of people only pretended to like me, and i wasnt able to tell they were laughing at me. when you have shit like that on your mind constantly, and youre oxygen starved??? you tend to be a little, uh, distracted. im not surprised that i dont remember it well. but i wish i did. all i know for sure is that at the end of the day, i had a ventalin puffer, and that was it. i think there may have been a misunderstanding - when the doctor said that the cortisol (the most common, brand-name corticosteroid) is for long-term relief and the ventalin is for emergencies, my mom might have thought something along the lines of, “my child had an asthma attack, and it was an emergency. therefore ventalin is what we need, not cortisol.” but again, i dont know that for sure, and i dont want to throw anyone under the bus. it may have been that, or it may not have been. but i feel that my mom likely wouldnt remember if i asked her - taking ME to a doctors appointment wouldnt rank very high on her “important life moments” list, i suspect.

and so as i grew up, again, i had ventalin, but i very rarely remember having cortisol around, let alone taking it. uh, sorry i mean, corticosteroids. anyway, um... i think i was depressed then, even as a kid. my mom did not impress the importance of the medicine on me - she said it wasnt a that big a deal, that i only need to take it “sometimes.” and so when i ran out, i figured i didnt have to rush to tell her. and, of course, i didnt have the energy to take it every day - couldnt breath. in fact, because it required me to wash my mouth out through after taking it every morning and night, it was significantly more difficult to take the medicine that treated my constrictive asthma. and again, i did not have energy to let me do what i knew i was supposed to. and i did not know that just taking the corticosteroid regularly would help me get my energy back, because no one ever told me that my energy had... WENT anywhere. they didnt mention it being a part of the disease, so i assumed to was unrelated. i didnt know the science behind it back then, i was a little kid! and so it was that every time i had a flair-up, people kept telling me to use my ventalin inhaler, the one thats for “emergencies,” if i really felt so bad. and so.... i would. and the ventalin would not ease my constricted lungs, because its intended for inflammation. and when i tried to tell them it wasnt working, people would start telling me it wasnt asthma, and that it had to be something else - something that i was fucking up. and i believed them. i believed what they told me. because i thought that adults were supposed to be smart, and know more than kids, and that they were supposed to protect me when i said i was hurting. i thought they were supposed to help children when theyre hurting. and so all along, i believed them, cause why would they lie to me? they must know what theyre talking about. adults know more than kids, they never shut up about it, i probably thought. and... so i started to really internalize the idea that it was my fault. that i was always so tired, and forgetful, and weak, and exhausted, and out of breath, and bad at talking, and bad at concentrating, and bad in school, and bad at everything... because i was just a bad person. i even thought it was my fault that my hands wouldnt stop shaking - no matter how much i drew. my lines were always crooked and bent. so because i never knew that cortisol was the medicine i needed the most, i was never ABLE to stop my hands from shaking, no matter how hard i tried and how much i practiced drawing. so i assumed i was just a naturally shitty artist, and began to resign myself to a life of never being able to create something beautiful. no matter how much i practiced drawing.

all of it was because of my constrictive asthma - either because of too little air being able to penetrate my lungs and oxygenate my body and bloodstream, or because of the sharp, sudden and literally dizzying rips of air that i had to suck in just to breath at all.

all these years of hating myself have been perpetuated so needlessly, all because people assumed they knew better than a kid. even when the kid tells you “he” (really she, im talking about me as a kid after all) has a disease and that “he” (again, she) cant breathe and that “he” (SHE) has tried what you are suggesting and it does ever work. even if that kid is literally telling them, “it is my disease that is causing this.”

because people brushed me off, and put me down, even when i was telling them that i couldnt breath. even when i tried to explain to them that i felt like i was being slowly suffocated, by an invisble hand squeezing the air out of my chest. because thats what it DOES feel like.

...fuck, man. that was fucked up.

[ahmuteun]

all of them~

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

um, i want to say steffen but it might have been mark

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

im in the middle, but if i had to pick i would go with outgoing

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

aubrey, mark, and steffen

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i would like to think so

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i mean i usually take care of others if im not puking but usually its steffen, aubrey, andrew, and/or cat

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

i dont have a type honestly so im attracted to a wide variety of people 

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

hah fuck no 

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

mark

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

no not really

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

hmmm, maybe sam? 

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“lol yeah cause i look like garbage without lipstick on”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

blackpink - as if its your last 

chungha - why dont you know

boa - spring rain

exid - cream

exid - dont wanna drive

exid - how why

exid - night rather than day

exid pat pat

iu - palette 

okay its not five but theyre all good and i love them

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yeah

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

eh it depends

15. What good thing happened this summer?

hanging out with my mates and getting to chill with them 

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

oh for sure, hes a really good kisser lmao. in all honesty it will probably happen again next week

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

i hope so

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

lol nah

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i dont like baths so no

20. Do you like your neighbors?

ehh

21. What are you bad habits?

i have many but i’ll just name one for now and thats not saying no when i should

22. Where would you like to travel?

south korea maybe

23. Do you have trust issues?

um, i dont think so? 

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

i dont have one 

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

arms and belly

26. What do you do when you wake up?

check my phone

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i like it how it is

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my close mates, the ones im okay with seeing me without makeup

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

no

30. Do you ever want to get married?

honestly not really, i doubt i ever will

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeah

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

im not into threesomes

33. Spell your name with your chin.

im too tired for that

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

nah

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

tv

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yeah

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just try to make casual conversation 

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

i dont have one

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

forever 21

40. What do you want to do after high school?

i mean im already in uni so

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

it depends on the situation

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

it could mean a lot of things, it just depends

43. Do you smile at strangers?

depends

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

both are rather terrifying when you think about it

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

i dont want to be a complete slob

46. What are you paranoid about?

people finding out things they shouldnt

47. Have you ever been high?

nah

48. Have you ever been drunk?

yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

probably grey, or maybe navy

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

no

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

i dont wanna say

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont have a favorite brand, just favorite products

54. Favourite store?

forever21

55. Favourite blog?

i dont really have one

56. Favourite colour?

blue

57. Favourite food? 

korean food

58. Last thing you ate?

a cucumber

59. First thing you ate this morning?

uummm a grilled chicken sandwich from red robin

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

probably a stupid one

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

nah

63. Ever been in love? 

yeah

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

i was drunk and at a party, dancing with some guy and he went for a kiss and i thought “fuck it why not?”. but it was real slobbery and had a lot of tongue and wasnt pleasant. luckily i never have to see that guy again

65. Are you hungry right now?

nah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

if were tumblr friends i consider you to be a real friend of mine

67. Facebook or Twitter?

i dont have a twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

see above

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yes

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

i will only list a few

dami

aubrey

aussie

katherine

71. Craving something? What?

nah not really

72. What colour are your towels?

white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

three

75. Favourite animal?

my baby boy

76. What colour is your underwear?

black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

i dunno i like both

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

birthday cake 

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

pink

80. What colour pants?

im not wearing any

81. Favourite tv show?

criminal minds or greys anatomy

82. Favourite movie?

star wars

indiana jones

the prestige 

snowpiercer

theres more but im lazy

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

i never saw the latter

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

see above

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

i dunno, tina feys character probably

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

i like marlin

87. First person you talked to today?

mark

88. Last person you talked to today?

im currently on call with aussie, sam, and yennifer

89. Name a person you hate?

i dont hate anyone

90. Name a person you love?

dami is the first person that comes to mind

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

if i thought hard enough i could come up with someone but as of right now, nah

92. In a fight with someone?

nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

like two pairs, maybe one cause i think i lost a pair

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

six

95. Last movie you watched?

despicable me three smh

96. Favourite actress?

i dont have one

97. Favourite actor?

hugh jackman probably

98. Do you tan a lot?

lol no

99. Have any pets?

yes

100. How are you feeling?

tired

101. Do you type fast?

eh relatively i guess

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yeah

103. Can you spell well?

moderately

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i mean there have been parties where there was a fire but it wasnt specifically a bonfire party

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

i might have

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now?

these fucking bug bites

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

not to the point where it hurt, no

111. Do you have trust issues?

didnt i answer this?

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i dont even remember the last time i cried

113. What was your childhood nickname?

court

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

ye

115. Do you play the Wii?

i just bought one 

116. Are you listening to music right now?

nah

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

ye

118. Do you like Chinese food?

ye

119. Favourite book?

i dunno, im too tired at the moment

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah

121. Are you mean?

i can be i suppose, bu in generally i would like to think im not

122. Is cheating ever okay?

not on people it isnt

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

see above

125. Do you believe in true love?

yeah

126. Are you currently bored?

eh im alright

127. What makes you happy?

the first things that come to mind are my mates and kisses lol

128. Would you change your name?

nah

129. What your zodiac sign?

gemini baby

130. Do you like subway?

soobway is gr8 someone pls get the reference 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

welp, he has a girlfriend and even if that werent the case it would never work out between us, we just work better as friends

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

didnt i answer this too?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

the lyrics in 

blackpink - as if its the last

exid - cream

iu - palette

iu - cant love you anymore

kendrick - humble

134. Can you count to one million?

hypothetically, yes but i wont

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

there are way too many

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed, im no heathen

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have wavy hair, but if this is talking about preferences then i dont care 

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i have black hair and see above

140. Summer or Winter?

i like the spring and fall

141. Night or Day?

night

142. Favourite month?

maybe may? or october

143. Are you a vegetarian?

hell no

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk or dark, white is too sweet

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea, coffee is gross

146. Was today a good day?

eehhh the beginning of the day was better than the end

147. Mars or Snickers?

neither

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“if no one comes back in time to tell you ‘no’ how bad of an idea can it really be?”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes 

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

destacan los trenes de cercanías, los trenes regionales, las Grandes Líneas 

lol

[digiweed]

Im super open talking about side effects if anyone is thinking about going regular for any reason (big ish desicion). I'm going to vaguely list out some pros and cons here.

Its helped a lot with:

-immediate pain

But I originally started smoking once a day because I did a research on endometriosis (a lot of my pain) and there were studies that showed when they isolated the tissue and treated it with CBD and THC that it not only STOPPED GROWING. The mixture literally caused the access tissues (thing causing the pain) to SHRINK.

And over the last month long term I've noticed such a difference. I was really worried but I literally dont even think I need the surgery I was planning on getting. I should really put this out on forums to help spread the word but it gives me so much dysphoria.(all the columns and forums only focus on how it's a women only disease and only women get it and no man ever will)

Its also completely stopped my night hallucinations and sleep walking which was ruining my fucking life. (Hallucinations would shake me awake. Constantly. Or yell at me loud enough to wake me up and when I wake up theres a fake person taking to me. Dont ask me how this happens I don't understand the brain either.)

Weed along with (MILD) meditation practice has gotten rid of my day to day hallucinations almost entirely. They're not as constant. Before it was a pretty daily struggle and now I never question what I'm seeing. They're anxiety triggered and obvs weed and my anti depressants together helped that.

It helps when my migraine goes blitzing ! At certain points tynolol cant reach me or even make a dent so I get high out of my mind and the pain stops. This is where the *chronic* part of my pain is important. Cause if my migrain doesnt stop it will just get worse. Like until I can somehow sleep (so hard to sleep with pain) and then when I wake up.

I've asked my neurologist about daily use and he says it's fine so 😅

It also helps me sleep, with anxiety, my wrist pain from arthritis, my back pain from years of unsafe binding, surgery pain (mildly), daily headaches* and overall aches which I get a lot.

BAD SIDE EFFECTS:

-Not knowing how certain weed effects u and getting really depressed the next day or anxious

-weed not being built for pain and more towards partiers making it harder to find pain strains. And the ones I find get me more fucked than I would like

-weed working for pain too well and I can't tell if I'm aggravating my pain

-not entirely sure how it interacts with my migraines. Though the research is positive theres sonething off about how it interacts with me long term

-SOCIAL. Really socially difficult to smoke around certain parties (teachers, my parents) that otherwise painkillers might not affect socially

-i stay up really late cause I dont like to smoke during the day

-SHAME

-feeling really dizzy and out of it the next day when you overdue it

-having to get way too high and way out of your comfort zone just to treat pain

-not wanting to get high but still having to to treat pain (SUCKS)

-nausea

-EATING WAY TOO MUCH

-appetite loss when you're not high. Up until like 3 weeks ago I didn't eat unless I was high because I had literally nooo appetite when I wasnt high. And food was already hard for me because of a hard poverty/ eating disorder combo

-social. My roommate doesnt like talking to me when I'm high but it's like dude I'm an adult who chooses to do this and also still a person....;__; it's especially brutal bc I don't *have to* but in a lot of ways... I have to lol :/

-LUNG HEALTH. absolutely appalling. Really hate that side effect . Edibles dont kick in for a while and my pain can be ballistic by then. This is actually probrably the worst side effect.

-memory

But ultimately I like it because it turns hours of pain into a pretty pleasant evening 🤷‍♀️ and that's so good for overall mental health. Pain to that level can be literally traumatizing it's hard to trust ur body or the world at all after a particularly bad flare up. It can feel hopeless🤷‍♀️

I love weed but theres a lot of side effects I don't like 😅 considering new painkillers or just taking like 1500 mg (3-5) tylenol along side smoking

[cometcrystal]

list of all the books/short stories i remember reading in high school and my opinion on them. this isn’t all of them because theres no way i could possibly remember everything. it also includes summer reading

smash that J key if you dont wanna see me ramble about books

9th grade

to kill a mockingbird - i don’t remember anything about this book. i read it twice because our english teacher didnt test us on summer reading until october and i STILL don’t remember anything about it and i dont get why people like it so much

the house on mango street - one of my absolute favorite books i have ever been assigned. i adore the way the book is structured, i loved the author’s writing style, i loved all the little stories, i loved everything about it. but everyone else in my class hated it and it made me sad

the pearl - it was ok? i didnt really have an opinion on it it was just there

romeo and juliet - it’s romeo and juliet. but it did give me the memory of seeing my english teacher bite his thumb

the most dangerous game - this short story was fun to me, i liked it. also i imagined the guys in the house as hagrid and francis monogram. its been a while i cant remember the guys actual names leave me alone

rules of the game - i remember liking this one too, i liked most of the short stories we read

gift of the magi - FAV!!! THE BEST AND CUTEST! 

10th grade

the first part last - part of summer reading. i remember liking this one but it didn’t really stick with me. i probably wouldn’t read it again just cause its about teenage pregnancy

book about ww2 germany that i forgot the name of - also summer reading. it was about what youd expect; historical fiction that is sad. it was OK

animal farm - it went about as you’d expect it to

of mice and men - i didn’t hate it? it was really short and was over quickly so it was hard for me to have strong feelings

the great gatsby - everyone in the world read this book. it was OK at best but none of the characters were likable and there is absolutely no plot but its good for teaching symbolism so thats why its so popular in schools

huckleberry finn - godawful i never want to read this again it was so so boring and hard to read oh my fucking GOD. this book is a prime example of why you should never type accents phonetically. 

anthem - i liked it at the time, but knowing ayn rand’s worldview now i probably would not like it at all if i reread it today

approximately 1/4 of shakespeare’s julius caeser - we didnt get very far into this play at all. i have a vivid memory of a guy in class saying the line “you saucy fellow” and the whole class laughing. 2/5 stars for that

11th grade

in cold blood - i liked the parts about the townsfolk, dreaded the parts about the killers. it was really slow though

the glass castle - this was another favorite of mine, the episodic format reminded me of mango street and i just. idk i liked it a lot

a modest proposal - my teacher this year was my favorite teacher i’ve ever had and she brought baby back ribs from the vending machine for us when we read this text because she was hilarious

hamlet - my teacher did a bullet-speed reading of this because she wanted to expose us to more shakespeare but the year was almost over. i liked it tbh but i feel like i need to experience it again a bit slower this time

12th grade

wuthering heights - you do not understand the depth of my hatred for this book. you could not possibly understand the loathing i felt as i had to annotate this entire text and deal with this bitch ass insufferable cast of characters. the only good character was isabella and they killed her because they knew she was too good for this book.

the road - oh my fucking god if the color gray was a book, it would be this one. it was so depressing and i hated every word of it. the summer reading this year was ASS

things fall apart - this was a good book, i dont have much smart to say review-wise but it was good and i think it should be more widely taught, depicts the atrocities of colonialism

their eyes were watching god - another favorite of mine, i had to reread it recent for my college lit class and i loved it just as much the 2nd time around

brave new world - stupid pretentious bullshit, probably in line with anthem. racist pretentious bullshit and it annoyed the hell out of me. ended with an orgy. im not joking it ended with an orgy

the awakening - everyone else hated this book to high heaven but i liked it? i mean it wasnt super duper awesome but it was enjoyable

jane eyre - charlotte bronte is such a better fucking writer than her damn sister emily? i love you, jane eyre

macbeth - my favorite shakespeare play ive ever been assigned. lady macbeth is wild? love that messy bitch. no man of woman born? fucking genius. ALSO until 11th grade i thought this play was set in space and not scotland because of that one jimmy neutron episode

the importance of being earnest - i dont remember anything about this play other than it was funny but i DO remember my friend finding a phone number in her copy of it and she texted it

the metamorphosis - i read this for my final class project so that means i read it at least 7 times. i know this cockroach man like the back of my hand. i do not have an opinion about the actual story itself but i know about this cockroach.

the thirteenth tale - OH MY GOD. FAV. FAV. FAV FOREVER. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD READ THIS BOOK. literally EVERYONE in our class got sucked into this book, even the people that hated everything else we had read up to this point. its literally so good i dont even know what to say just read it

[yande-re-blog1]

so the trip up here and dealing with traveling with a disability:

i left for the airport at 1:45 am because i didnt want to be late. i got to the airport around 2:30 by subway. i walked in an wandered around for a bit before deciding i needed help. autism unfortunately causes me to have a very hard time reading and understanding directions and list things like menus, so i decided i wasnt going to torture myself. i contacted someone. turns out disability doesnt open until 3 am but theres a nice lady willing to walk me to security. i get even more confused on the way there. o’hare is a big airport. also the lady asked how young i was and where my parents were. i basically had to convince her that i am 20 years old

i ultimately got to security, where the lady dropped me off and basically said that i would find someone somewhere up here who would help me. i stubbornly decide im going to try to do it by myself. this lasted about 15 minutes of me staring at signs and another 15 minutes of me waiting in a line for security until i was informed that the line i was in was for customer service and not security. i wanted to kick myself at this point because i hate that i cant follow simple signs (part of the reason i dont drive lol). i begrudgingly ask a lady for help, end up telling her that i have autism, and she immediately calls disability services. i decide this is for the best and sit down to wait in a chair with my luggage and wait for someone to help me. im also given a ticket to hold that says that i have a disability

5 minutes later someone shows up with a wheelchair. i do my best to convince them that i have an intellectual/mental disability that does not hinder my ability to walk. they insist and tell me this is standard operating procedure. having had experience with strict SOP, i get in the goddamn wheelchair. but oh, no. THIS WHEELCHAIR HAS A SEATBELT. i get very red in the face as the disability guy buckles me in, sets my bag on my lap, and wheels me off.

turns out, not only do i not understand where security is or how to get to it, but i also don’t understand security itself. we go past the entire line because ive been put in a fucking wheelchair and apparently that means that you dont have to wait (?)(i still dont understand how this works lol) and go into a special security line(? i think?) the disability services man then proceeds to walk me through the entirety of what to do step by step as im doing it again, because i can not figure out how to do it on my own. i get through it, though i get my shoulders patted down, and get back in my wheelchair.

disability man asks me if i need to be taken to my gate. i say yes, because up until now i have been able to figure exactly nothing out and i dont want to humiliate myself further by trying to do it, failing, and having to call services again. services takes me to my gate which is a very long ways away and tells me that there will be people to help me at dallas and san antonio because apparently they already contacted them.

i get dropped off and because i saw a mcdonalds on the way, i decide i want food. it’s 3:30 am at this point and i want chicken nuggets, but the workers say i can only have breakfast, so i get that instead. because i know the way back and it’s literally just down a long, wide hallway (the terminal????) i find my way back to my gate and read stuff online for awhile. i get called up to the service desk and get told that because i have a disability, i get to preboard, which is really cool because i didnt know if i was gonna be able to follow the boarding group instructions properly.

i sit down and play on my laptop for a while. i get called to preboard at around 4:45 am. im the first person on the plane, which is also very cool. also, i have a window seat. i tell the flight attendant that im autistic and need help finding my seat and she helps me and puts my luggage up for me (im too short to reach lol). the rest of the boarding goes well because i found out that the airline i fly has tablets on the seats in front of you and you can play free games, so i played bejewled until we started taxiing at 5:15 am.

take off and everything went well too. i got to watch some videos on the tablet and they had flight procedure videos on the tablet that they showed everyone at the start. it’s also really cool to watch your plane take off and not nearly as scary as it was when i was a kid.

once we were in the air, i played with the tablet some more and found out that it had an interactive map that showed you in real time where you were and i watched that for awhile. i tried looking out the window more, but it was cloudy, so i fell asleep instead.

dallas/fort worth was where my connection was and that was a little more difficult because ive never been there and texas is new to me. they tried to put me in another wheelchair, but i wanted to walk, and i found these two women who were my age who were going to the same san antonio flight and offered to let me walk with them. i did and found out that this airport has airport subways(?) that go to different terminals (very cool). this airport is also very big and has a mac (make-up) store in it. i wanted a smoothie but i was afraid if i got one i wouldnt be able to get back to my gate.

the airport people at this gate knew who i was, too, and told me i could preboard and everything. it was really hot here, too, and i was wearing a long sleeve jacket that i didnt want to take off. i played games on my phone for a while until they got me for preboarding and i was first on the plane again. they took my ticket and edited it though and gave me a window seat when i was supposed to originally have a middle seat in a different row. i liked that but i felt bad if someone had to switch seats with me. a flight attendent looked after me until boarding finished and i snapchatted my friends a lot. this flight went ok too even tho it was only 30 minutes and i fell asleep again

i got to san antonio and again turned down the wheelchair people. i knew for a fact that getting out of an airport is hugely easier than getting into one so i just asked around for directions until i found the car place. there was a cafeteria on the way and my boyfriend had taken a wrong turn and wasnt there yet, so i went there for a little bit. i had this chocolate thing called a truffle. also there were a lot of burger places (because texas?). then my bf got in and i asked around and found where he was

it was a great reunion but i was incredibly tired since it was about 10 am at this point and id been up for a very long time

[motherofkittens94]

@lordhellebore I know the feeling all too well <3 And you're right with everything. You're entitled to help, you do NOT have to be able to do everything alone, and being capable of accepting help is often a stronger feat than muddling through alone. 

sorry last night i just randomly got emotional over well everything i know youre right but im soo bad at this and i know am i and need not to be cause i know many times ive needed help and have said nothing because i didnt want people to think i couldnt do things by myself  like when i was younger i had trouble with stairs and would be supposed  to use the lift at school but i never did even tough other kids used it id pass my lift key to the kids with broken legs i cause `i didnt need it’ and one time i fell and cracked my skull  or when i first applying to uni i was  going to say that i had no disabilities cause like my problems were like super minor right?? barely there ? which is how i wanted to feel about it  and that wouldve meant id never would  have got all the support i did get at uni which was so helpful   it doesnt help that everyone preaches the can do attitude the whole time and it leaves feeling youve got no one to turn to  when you actually want help because every one says how well you manage and all the things you dont need and you dont wanna make it worse because the more you talk about it  the more it gets in the way so you have been like like im fine :) all the time otherwise its  an inconvenience to everyone else innit - and i hate the ive learned this  that ive learned its embarrassing and  bring attention to it make it more so i dont even like talking about i want to act like its insufficient but its not  i want it to stop because i shouldnt feel ashamed its part of me and was since before i was born i wouldnt be what am now if it wasnt so im learning to take things as achievements rather whats expected of me like the dog walking might not seem like a big thing but to me who has struggled walking long distances for me to able  do that is a big thing and when i learnt to swim was excited about but i got back thats nice honey but everyone else learned in 2005 like yeah did they learn with one leg pointed the wrong way that you couldnt kick with ? im was i having done anything but my parents are like not many disabled people even go to university and i have a degree and gonna get another one and i should see this as positive i always thought i had it down already like i wasnt bothered about it i dont wanna be cured and that was it right? that was how you accepted disability but its more complicated than that i have be able accept it as it and being too scared to get help because im embarrassed or proud or feel i `havent got it bad enough’ isn't accepting it and its isnt cheating it is what am due im allowed and i have to brave and know when im going to need assistance and that doesn't mean theres not still a long list of things i am capable of completely independently  and its much more than it used to be and maybe i future it will be  even longer im sorry i dont where this came form im having  a lot of feelings rn i always got told i was a brave child but i wasnt  i was a child who didnt want to let anyone in because that would show weakness and i couldn't be weaker than i was already so i tried so hard to be strong and indifferent but thats not `inspirational’ honestly the only thing i got out of this thinking was fucking anxiety and i want to be able to be secure in myself and to do the best i can and not feel like my best isnt good enough or is merely the minimum expected

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Car Seats, Leftovers, Medical Insurance, Budget Brands, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Early or late retirement contributions? 2. Purchases for infrequent use 3. Used car seats? 4. Excessive leftovers 5. Friends want me to spend 6. Value of one bag living 7. Buying a house on $35K 8. How to avoid drive-thrus 9. Medical insurance difficulties 10. Budget brands? 11. Starting career advice 12. Thoughts on taekwondo One of the most enjoyable parts of writing this mailbag column is the wide variety of comments and questions I get from readers. I usually try to keep the stuff I choose for the mailbag at least somewhat within the realm of personal finance, maybe slipping in one or two questions or comments a week that arent related to the topic, but I get quite a lot of great stuff from readers that covers completely different topics that I just cant reasonably fit into the mailbag. For example, just in the last week or two, Ive received the following notes from readers: A reader wrote in to talk about the joys of playing Magic: the Gathering with her son and how they were building Commander decks together. A reader wrote in to encourage me to pick up some of the writings of the philosopher Byung-Chul Han, particularly his essays Psychopolitics and The Scent of Time (which Im currently reading). A reader has been trying to get me to debate him concerning a number of hot button political issues. A reader has been writing to me consistently for weeks asking for step-by-step help in getting a batch of homemade kombucha to work. A reader invited me to his dynasty fantasy football league. Thats just over the last several days. Honestly, I love this kind of thing, because it represents human connection. Theres a sharing of ideas and interests and a sharing of concern behind all of it that goes way past merely writing about financial issues, and it means a lot to me, even if its not fodder for the mailbag. Speaking of the mailbag, here are this weeks questions. Q1: Early or late retirement contributions? Is it better to contribute to a Roth IRA early in the year or as late as possible? I have money set aside for my 2019 Roth contribution but I dont know if I should do it now or wait. Brian Unless theres some specific reason thats unique to your situation that points to waiting, you should put those savings in there as soon as possible. The longer the money is invested, the more time you have for compound interest to work in your favor. Having said that, investment markets are unpredictable. Theres always a chance that right after you put your money in, the markets dip. Remember that this could happen no matter when you put your money in there. You could put your money in now and immediately see a dip, or you could wait until next February to put it in and immediately see a dip. The difference is that, on average, its much more likely that the investment youre putting your money into will go up in value over that period. If you wait, its very likely that youre going to miss out on growth. Put your retirement money away in retirement accounts as soon as you can. Dont sit around holding them, because youre usually doing nothing more than missing out on growth if you do that. Q2: Purchases for infrequent use Im considering purchasing a pair of bowling shoes. I only bowl once or twice a year, but it seems like its a wise investment since I could get a pair of perfectly good bowling shoes for around $25 instead of paying $3 or so each time to rent them. How do you view rarely used purchases like this that, while adding to the stuff you own, will eventually pay for themselves? Adam My philosophy on purchases like these is similar to yours. I try to look at the total cost of ownership of the item over an extended but still reasonable period of time, like five years, and I figure out which is going to cost less. I also consider how frequently Ill actually use the item, and it basically has to be annually at the very least and preferably much more frequent than that. That type of thinking requires full honesty to be valuable. So, in your situation, is it cheaper to rent shoes for $3 a pop twice a year for five years or buy a pair of shoes for $25 once? Well, the cost for rental over that period is $30, so Id probably swing toward buying a pair, assuming that Im bowling twice a year. If you assume that its actually going to be much less than twice a year, youre going to be better off renting. I usually use a five year measure for calculations like this, because I figure its pretty hard to predict accurately what my life will be like beyond that time threshold and its also probably a reasonable guess as to the wear and tear that an item can take. Usually, with a five year calculation, its obvious whether its a good move or not. Again, in this situation, those bowling shoes arent going to be worn out after ten wears, so its likely you will be able to continue wearing them at that point or theyll have some minor secondhand value. This pushes the pendulum even more toward buying them. Q3: Used car seats? I am expecting in November. My husband and I are starting to pick up baby items from FB Marketplace and Craigslist. Whenever a carseat is listed on Marketplace someone always comments that you shouldnt buy used carseats because theyre not safe. How are used carseats not safe? Amy A carseat is one of the few baby options I wouldnt buy used. The reason is simple: a big part of whats protecting that baby when theyre in the carseat is plastic, and you dont know how that plastic has been treated. Theres some chance that the plastic has become brittle and could easily crack or break in a severe impact, just when you need it the most. This can happen, for example, if a carseat has been left in the sun too much over the course of years. Its not an issue of negligence its an issue of you not knowing the history of that carseat. It may have had years of sunlight exposure, rendering the protection that it offers your child much weaker. Most baby items are fine to buy used clothes and baby monitors and things like that. Those arent things that will cause calamity if they fail and its usually obvious if theyre doing their job or not. A car seat, though, is something you should invest in. 99.9% of the time, it wont matter, but 0.1% of the time, it matters more than anything else and youll never, ever want to skimp on that situation. Q4: Excessive leftovers On any given night we will have 2-7 people at our house for dinner. By default we cook for 7 but that means that many nights we have a ton of leftovers. We eat leftovers for lunch every day but they still get tossed a lot. We cant give them to the food pantry either. Ideas? Andy My first suggestion would be to simply have a leftover buffet night for dinner twice a week or so. On, say, Wednesdays and Saturdays, just pull out all leftovers, put them on the table, and let people assemble their own plates of leftovers and heat them up (or heat up the hot items before putting them on the buffet). That way, the leftovers get consumed directly and you have a free dinner. Another suggestion is to frequently make meals and side dishes that are easy to remix into another meal if you have a low turnout. For example, if you make a bunch of spaghetti, you can save it for two nights and then mix in a few additional spices, put it in a greased 9 by 13 pan, put a couple cups of mozzarella and provolone shredded cheese on top, and bake it for 30-45 minutes, covered for the first half, to make a nice spaghetti bake. We also often have plain vegetables as a side dish and save the leftovers to make quick soups later on, for example. A final suggestion is that on nights where you have a low turnout, simply prep leftover plates for the next night and have the same thing for dinner again, or prepare a different dinner the next night for just the two who ate the night before. I dont think you need to feel obligated to have a fresh meal on the table for whoever happens to show up each night. Q5: Friends want me to spend Im 23 and got a nice job out of college paying $45K per year. Several of my friends from college are in the same area and have jobs as well so its fun to hang out with them, but it feels like they want to blow their income as fast as possible. They go out drinking and to clubs constantly, upgrade their phones all the time, ride around in Ubers when they have cars, and throw money at stupid stuff. I want to get rid of my student loan debt and start saving for a house and Im already contributing to retirement so I can get out of this as young as possible. Its not like Im avoiding fun but theres a ton of stuff to do that doesnt cost $50 or $100 for an evening. When I suggest anything else other than clubs or an expensive restaurant, I get ignored. Do you have any suggestions? Amy Find new friends? I mean, that sounds fairly cold, but it sounds like your values are diverging from the values that your friends hold, or perhaps they were always divergent and the income just exposed it. While I dont mind being acquaintances with people with drastically different lifestyles than my own, I have found its far more pleasant and easier to have close friends who have similar values and lifestyles to my own. That way, Im not pushed to overspend constantly just to spend time with my friends. I have been in situations where it felt like I had to pay some kind of admission fee (in the form of going out when I didnt want to) just to hang out with a friend and if I wasnt willing to do that, that person wouldnt hang out with me. That just isnt worth it. Id suggest digging into activities that you feel internally interested in doing. Find groups in your community that match up well with that by using things like Meetup and there youll find people who are also interested in what you happen to be internally interested in. Get involved in those groups. Youll find its not too hard to build friendships that way. Q6: Value of one bag living I found your post on one bag living to be interesting but not practical. Its not like more than maybe 0.001% of your readers will actually ever do it. What is the practical value of such an article? Ollie The practical value of it is that it really shows you how few items you actually need to have a happy and comfortable life, and when you realize that, you begin to realize how much extra unnecessary stuff you have and how much that stuff is costing you, both in terms of the stuff itself and the space youre paying for to store all of that stuff. Lets say, for example, that you decided to try it for a month. You packed a big duffel bag full of stuff and aimed to live solely out of that bag for that month. During the month, almost everything you use comes out of that bag other than maybe a few kitchen items, you really dont use anything else in your home. At the end of the month, youre left asking yourself what the point of all of that other stuff is. Why have any of it if youre able to have a great life without touching it? Why have shelves full of books and DVDs you never touch? Why have a television if you have a good life not watching it? This is likely to lead you to start downsizing your possessions, recouping some money along the way, and its also likely to lead you to question almost all of your physical purchases. If you keep going in that direction, youll find that you likely have excessive living space and can easily be satisfied with a smaller home or apartment, and if you downsize that, then youre on the way to some serious financial improvement in your life, as youre losing far less money to utilities, insurance, property taxes, and so on. Q7: Buying a house on $35K I am a single woman with a four year old child from a previous marriage; the father is not involved and avoids paying child support. We live in a small apartment in [a large city with a moderate cost of living]. I make $35K per year. My mom lives about five miles away and takes care of my son when Im working and hes not in preschool as she has a pension thats enough for her to live on because my father died in the workplace. I would like to be able to afford a small house for us and get out of this apartment building before hes too old because theres kind of a rough culture of teenage boys here. I would like to be in a house in four years. I have no debts and am saving about $200 a month for emergencies. Carrie First of all, Id contact a lawyer and do what you can to get child support. The cost of supporting your child should not be borne solely by you and hes legally obligated to provide financial help here even if hes uninvolved. Second of all, $200 a month in savings thats also used as an emergency fund isnt adequate to get to where you want to go in four years. I looked into your area and a small starter home is going to run you in the $300K range now and will probably be closer to $350K by the time you want to buy. 20% of $350K is $70K. If youre saving $200 a month, youll get to about $10K in four years if there are no emergencies. To get to $70K in four years, you need to be saving around $1,500 a month and have no emergencies that tap that money. Considering that youre making about $3,000 a month before taxes, thats an extremely difficult proposition. Thus, to make it to your target, youre going to have to do some radical things. The first thing I would do is sit down with your mother and discuss the option of cohabitation for a few years, with you splitting up the housing costs. If she could move into your apartment or you two could move into her dwelling and its a tenable situation for a few years, youll both save a mint. If youre paying $1,000 a month in rent and it suddenly drops to $500 a month, theres $500 a month toward savings, and probably more than that because youll have lower utility bills and you can more easily share food costs. You may find that after you buy that starter home, it may make sense to have your mother continue to live with you to keep costs manageable going forward, at least for a while. If you can swing something like that, use a lot of smart frugal tactics like sticking with store brand items when shopping, get on that child support issue, and keep working at your career to move toward a better salary, you can make this work. Without those kinds of big changes, this probably isnt a realistic goal. Q8: How to avoid drive-thrus How do you stop relying on the convenience of drive-thrus? I understand that its way cheaper to make meals at home but when I can just go to a drive-thru and get a quick meal and have it eaten before I even get home or eat it right when I walk in the door and theres no cleanup because I just toss the wrappers, its hard to convince myself to make a big mess making a meal at home. Leon There are a few good strategies for solving this problem that work well for different people. I suggest trying one for at least 30 days, see if it clicks with you or merely causes frustration, and either stick with it if it works or move on to another if it doesnt. First, try simply packing a meal for yourself at home before you leave in a small cooler. Make something simple that you like a sandwich and some baby carrots and a drink or whatever. Pack the individual items in reusable containers and put them in something insulated with an ice pack to keep it cool. Take that meal with you when you go out and save it at your desk or in a work fridge until youre ready to leave, then eat that on the way home. You can do the meal prep the night before while watching a television show and if you use reusable containers, cleanup is really just a matter of popping stuff in the dishwasher and wiping off the table (which youd need to do anyway). If you want, you can designate Fridays as eat out days and keep it as a treat for yourself for getting through the week. Another thing I strongly suggest is to simply get better at cooking at home. Cooking seems very difficult at first and even easy things like scrambled eggs feel like a giant mess and a big time and energy investment, but once you get more practiced, it stops feeling so challenging. Start by making really simple meals that you like grilled cheese sandwiches or scrambled eggs or spaghetti. Another strategy is to cook things in advance, make individual meals out of them in reusable containers, and keep them in the fridge. For example, you could make a huge batch of spaghetti one night and pack three or four individual meals of spaghetti with a breadstick in resealable containers in the fridge. Then, you can take them to work with you and youll also know that one is just waiting for you when you get home. Yet another strategy is to use a slow cooker. Start a simple dump meal before you leave (a dump meal means you just dump several ingredients in there and turn it on low) and youll have a hot home-cooked meal waiting for you when you get home. Slow cookers are great for stews, chili, soups, and simple casseroles; it can also make a mean pot roast. The goal of all of these things is to either put something in your hands directly so that youre not tempted to stop or have something at home waiting for you so youre not tempted to stop. Q9: Medical insurance difficulties I am covered by [a major medical insurer] through my workplace. A few months ago, I had a procedure done that my doctors office informed me would be fully covered by my insurance. They filed this with the insurance and the insurance company came back saying that the procedure wasnt medically necessary and wouldnt cover it, so my doctor is now billing me for it at the tune of $30K. I dont even know where to start. Should I contact a lawyer? Petra Without seeing the bills and documentation, I cant give you full advice on what to do. However, my first step would be to document every single detail that you can recall about this entire process, including dates and what you were told by both your doctors office and insurance. If you have any supporting documents, such as receipts and printed information about the procedure or about the costs, thats all valuable here. Then, I would go through the process of appealing this claim with your insurer, providing a copy of all of that documentation. An appeal should definitely be your first action. If you find that your appeal is denied, you should then discuss the matter with your doctor and attempt to get their bill reduced. If youre still finding that youre paying an excessive amount, then I would take all of this documentation to a lawyer and get legal help. It very much sounds like you were given inaccurate guidance from a doctors office and a lawyer can usually help here. Q10: Budget brands? Are there any budget brands you trust for making high quality stuff? Meaning brands that are cheap in price but the quality of their stuff is good? Darren The store brands at most department stores and grocery store chains fit that bill. For the vast majority of product types, the store brand is as good as most of the name brand options. They might not beat some of the really high end premium versions of those products, but the store brand is usually as good as 80% of similar items on the shelf. For things like charging cables and basic electronics like computer mice or keyboards, Ive found that Amazons generic brand, Amazon Basics, is really good for the price. For many different kinds of smaller electronic items, like external batteries for charging devices on the go or headphones or things of that nature, I strongly trust Anker. If theres an Anker option for a small electronic device, youre probably getting great bang for the buck with it. Those are the ones that immediately come to mind as brands that I strongly trust that consistently provide good bang for the buck across a wide variety of products. Q11: Starting career advice My oldest son is about to graduate from college with a degree in electrical engineering. I am collecting career advice from some people I respect to pass along to him. What advice would you give to a fresh college graduate in a technical field today? Robert First of all, treat the first decade of your career as an opportunity to build skills and relationships above chasing salary. A killer resume ten years from now will be worth a lot more than earning an extra $5K or $10K right out of the gate. If one job pays a little more but feels like a dead end, while the other job pays a little less but feels like its overflowing with opportunities and ways to build relationships, take the latter job in the first decade of your career. Second, if your workplace offers a 401(k) plan, take advantage of it immediately and contribute as much as you can stand. You will never regret this. Just do this and then start off with smaller take-home checks theyll still be a lot more than what you had in college. Pay yourself first. Third, no matter how tough a situation is, dont burn bridges, even if it would feel good. If youre moving on from a position, do it as gently as possible and be as positive and flexible as you can on your way out. Finally, eat healthy, get some exercise, get plenty of sleep, and dont work too many hours. If you dont do those things, youll be far less productive during your work time, the quality of work you produce will be lower, and youll have a harder time picking up new skills. If your workplace is obsessed with 80 hour workweeks, carve out as much of that 80 hours toward self care and rest that you can reasonably get away with. Q12: Thoughts on taekwondo I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on taekwondo from the perspective of both a parent of a student and as a participant with an eye toward cost. Is it worth it? Do your kids get value out of it? How about yourself? Brenda I attend a local taekwondo school with the rest of my family. It was an activity that my two oldest children wanted to try and the family plan isnt much more expensive than just the two of them participating, so when our family schedule lined up and our youngest was old enough, we all joined. In effect, our third family member was half price and the rest of us are effectively going for free, and the price has actually gone down as some family members have reached black belt rank (and those who havent are at a belt rank approaching black). First of all, if youre new to martial arts of any kind, its something you should shop around for. Any city of any size likely has a few martial arts schools; a larger city likely has some dedicated taekwondo schools with branches in various locations. Different schools offer different prices and different philosophies. Taekwondo is a martial art thats focused on fast, high kicking. That means that it really works hard on agility and balance. Theres also an emphasis on forms, which are sequences of kicks and other movements that are memorized and done from memory, which challenges a persons memory while physically exerting themselves. Our familys interest in martial arts lies much more in the realm of self improvement, character building, self defense, and fitness rather than training to fight. There are definitely martial arts schools that are very focused on simply training to fight, preparing people for things like mixed martial arts. Theres nothing wrong with that, but its not what Sarah or I were looking for in a school. We wanted a school where the merit wasnt in whether you defeat someone in a fight, but whether youre working hard and genuinely improving yourself so that youre better at the techniques, better in all around fitness, and better in character than you were the day before. Again, I have nothing against a school focused on fight-focused training, but its just not what Im looking for or what I would direct my children toward until theyre old enough to make those kinds of choices for themselves. Perhaps someday theyll take what theyve learned and move in that direction, and Im fine with that. When my oldest son and daughter began expressing a genuine interest in taekwondo, we shopped around for local schools that offered dedicated youth programs and were focused on a self-improvement type of martial art philosophy, and we found one that we liked that had classes near us, and over time, we all joined up. I think it has genuinely helped our children improve their ability to focus, their ability to overcome challenges, their character, and most definitely their ability to defend themselves and get out of a threatening situation. As a parent, Im thrilled with the impact taekwondo has had on them. As for myself, I joined because I agree in a deep philosophical way with the goals and direction of the school, as well as the fact that I was looking for a fitness program for myself and an opportunity to mutually encourage my family to be more fit. This hits all of those marks and with family rates, its pretty inexpensive. If you divide our session fees by five, theres absolutely no way any of us could be in a sport or a fitness program at these rates. If someone is interested in taekwondo or martial arts in general, Id start by figuring out why you want to do it. What are you hoping to get out of it, or what do you want your child to get out of it? Self-discipline? Fitness? Self-defense? Character? What are the one or two things you want most for yourself or for your child that you hope martial arts can provide? Start from there and shop around at a lot of schools in your area. Theyll all have different philosophies and centers of focus some of them will line up well with your own goals and philosophies, while others will go in a different direction (not wrong or bad, just different). Find some that match what you want, price compare them, and give one a try for a session and see if its right for you. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-car-seats-leftovers-medical-insurance-budget-brands-and-more/

[theeemeee]

honestly

theres a lot going on and idk where else to say it or who to say it to.

theres too many things to go over

1. moving- why did i move here? i am so stuck and lost and scared i have no idea what im doing here. i left to get away but now im a place where im unaware and confused. 

2 breaking up with june- still struggling. what did i do? did i over exagerate? did i make the wrong move?i was being hurt? was that not the safe idea to leave? why didnt i just stay there and figure it out? could i have figured it out? would it have ever worked? would i have been okay if i just kept it to myself? we could have been it. he wasnt cheating i bet. idk theres no way to know.

3- my friends?- who are they? where are they? they say theyre caring for me but like i honestly havent seen them around my messages just to say whats up? what are friends? how do you make them and keep them? have i done wrong by removing the ones i cant emotionally handle? what and why do i keep ending up with shitty people i care more for and about? what happened to needing a friend and being able to tell them hey i need someone right now cause im very not okay and i dont know what to do about it. im confused and alone and always talking to myself cause im the only one i actually have now. it woule be nice to dump this stuff on someone who wouldnt judge me or fault me for anything ive done wrong. ive tried my best. ive done everything i possibly could at the moment to do the right thing and im sorry if it wasnt right by you or you didnt like it but just listen to me talk about me for a sec and comfort me please. thats all a person needs. human connection and compassion would be nice. like i think once in my life i had a friend and i dont know how or what i did to loose that but the good moments were good and its been a while since iver had that. everyone i have now needs me and its so exhausting and i need to just rely on someone else for a sec. idk. its pretty tough to find that now.

4 my job- i hate it. im being used and abused and taken advantage of and its not worth my time. but like what is. nothing. im just living breathing. not going anywhere or doing anything. standing. sitting. theres no place to move up. im stuck. im stuck working the hours they want me to and doing the things they say i have to do. theyre ruling my life and i cant afford to change anything they say because i moved here and now im stuck dealing with the bills of it. i had to get out though and i cant find anything that seems like its worth my time or efforts unless its mine. working for someone else is the last thing i want to be doing.

5 my art- i just want to create things. i dont know why its so hard to just express myself recently. im feeling uncomfortable in my body and my space. completely outside myself and also completely trapped in my head and unable to clear the gates that are complataly heled up with emotions and anger i need to let out but i cant. i cant express this cause i dont know how or who to express it with or to. i am completely alone having to figure this out.

6 money- im broke. and completely in debt. i have to spend money to live every month but i dont make enough to cover it. i dont know how to handle money or what to do with it or how to make it last or calculate things out. i didnt learn. its new. and im expected to just know how to do everything by myself and i honestly dont know how. like what. who knows how to do any of this and what part of life was i sleeping for that i missed out on how to hold down a fucking life. cause beats me i have no idea how. i thought someone was suppose to teach you how to life and not fail but i honestly think every day im failing harder and harder and i dont know when ill win something for once. i have lost and left and detoxed to much that now here i am alone and having no idea how to do a single thing. and i have to talk to myself about it and through it cause i have nobody left here to care about me.

i am complaining but also completely valid in all of these things and its just something i think is normal in life to have or want sometimes so dont blame me or make me feel bad for having some emotions. like you have no idea what i have done and gone through in the past 3 years. no idea. the shit ive seen and heard and had to think about. the things that have happened to me. the things people have done and said to me i could write a disgusting book of just the sexual harassment. a novel about the abuse and blood. and a few short story serieses about the places ive cried, fought, or feard for my life. also a list of rooms i thought id die in is longer than id like to admit. my life is disgusting and i dont know how it got to this point but it did and here i am scared alone and afraid every day of whats going to happen next.