#dave takes texas

[gutsby]

Cowboy Killers

Pairing: Cowboy!Joel x Reader

Summary: On a mission to find—and fight—your best friend’s lying, cheating boyfriend at the bar, you end up throwing your drink in the wrong face and landing in a sticky situation with Joel Miller, who never plays fair.

Warnings: 18+. Drunk-Assholes-to-Enemies-to-Lovers. Oral (m!receiving). Road head. Age gap. Daddy kink.

Note: My favorite sub-genre of country music is ‘I’m Gonna Fucking Kill My Husband,’ and I think Miranda Lambert’s ‘Gunpowder & Lead’ is a perfect representation of that.

Word count: 4.1k

Forgive and forget.

Forgive and forget.

Forgive and—

“I’m about to lay this motherfucker out,” you announced.

Across the line, your friend laughed.

“Yeah? You see him?”

Of course you saw him. Who else would be wearing a Carhartt flannel and jeans in ninety-four degree heat? Not a soul in this world but your friend’s own lying, piece of shit, hopefully-soon-to-be-ex boyfriend, you guessed.

The game that Old Fuckstick Miller had decided to play tonight was a dangerous one—he was dumb as shit, and you were drunker than a skunk. He was dating your best friend, and she was not present at the Tipsy Bison to see the barefaced clusterfuck taking place before you now.

She was home, over thirty minutes away. He had told her that morning he would be working late, and not to wait up. You were here, at the bar, approaching one A.M. with a Redbull Vodka clenched in either fist and a Texas-sized frown on your face, seeing the very same man with his hands all over a woman that wasn’t your friend. You’d wanted to puke as soon as you saw them. You knew you could never trust a man who claimed to be an Austin native and couldn’t name a single George Strait song.

Your friend had only been dating the guy for a month, and you’d just seen his face in pictures up until now, but from what you could see less than twenty feet in front of you—slightly blurred from all the drinks you’d had—this guy was him. A dick. There, cheating on your best friend.

And no man would get to do that and walk out unscathed if you had anything to say about it.

Your grip tightened on either one of your fizzy drinks and, barely managing to cradle the phone between your head and your shoulder, you gestured over to another friend.

“Dave. Take it,” you said, words slurring a little.

Dave York cocked an eyebrow but said nothing as you passed him one of your RBVs and shimmied off the barstool. By the time he was able to pose his question, your ass, your phone, and your one remaining drink were already wobbling the other way. Vaguely, you heard him:

“Where ya headed, hon?”

You turned and raised your drink, then seriously doubted he would be able to hear you over the blare of the music, but yelled back anyway, ‘I’M GONNA KILL SOMEONE!’

The age-old pro-forgiveness aphorism continued to thump in your brain as you made your way over and began to contemplate every feasible method of murder.

A gun in the face would’ve been too simple—and besides, you’d never owned or shot a firearm in your life.

Poison could be fun, but from the way you were approaching the man now, you seriously doubted he’d ever let you get within a mile of his drink. You nudged the phone closer to your ear and took a sip from your own.

“Closing in,” you told your friend simply.

She’d already given you the go-ahead to execute the confrontation and beat his ass any way you pleased after the fact. Now it wasn’t so much a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’ you’d finally get to encroach on this little loved up scene at the other end of the bar. The man had had his back turned to you, and the stunning redhead hanging off his neck, likewise, had no idea what was coming. You smiled.

“Promise you won’t go to jail this time?” your friend said.

“Will you bail me out again if I do?” Your grin got bigger.

“Well, duh.”

“Good deal. I’ll be the shitfaced inmate with ‘Fuck Men’ tattooed on her forehead. Wait for Travis County to call.”

“I love you, psycho.”

“Love you more.”

You ended the call.

And you were fully ready to end this man’s life when you saw him lean in to kiss the woman’s neck—that was sick.

You weren’t thinking straight. You weren’t seeing straight

You yelled out, ‘He-e-e-ey, honey!’ without blinking.

The couple turned.

As soon as the man had done a full 180, you flung your drink in his face and made sure the cup struck his nose.

“You cheatin’ FUCK!”

He flinched, sprayed by your vodka-infused energy juice.

The music overhead was loud, but not so deafening as to prevent the bar from hearing your shriek. From the front of the room, a band was playing ‘Gunpowder & Lead,’ and you couldn’t help but feel the song had been fate.

“What the f—” the adulterer started, evidently stunned.

You knocked the Shiner Bock out of his hand and spat:

“Working late, are we?!”

And spilled another patron’s beer reeling back.

“Got a little caught up on the way home?”

Gesturing toward the green-eyed beauty to his left. At first, the girl fixed her stare on you as if you’d sprouted another head, but then, by turns, she was tilting it to him.

“You have a girlfriend?” she hissed.

Cheater McFuckstick was wiping his beard with his hand

Shaking his head.

“Hell no, I ain’t never—”

“LIAR!”

Channeling your inner Representative Wilson circa 2009, you let your mouth fall open and stared at the big, burly man like the Congressman had once done to President Obama all those years ago. The semi-stranger in front of you was far less composed than his political counterpart.

“What the fuck is your problem?!” he snapped.

You felt your cheeks heat up.

“Is she your girlfriend?” would-be mistress said, shrill.

“NO!” you and been-knew asshole yelled together.

You saw the man’s nostrils flare, and at the same time, the woman beside him departed. Quickly. A few people around you cleared the way, while others still stared, gawked, and murmured amongst themselves. The Miranda Lambert cover band continued on without a hitch, though you could tell there had been a stir in the crowd. They probably thought the worst of it was over.

They thought wrong.

“You’re a dick,” you seethed, unrelenting.

You almost expected the man to turn and leave.

You thought wrong.

“You’re a cunt.”

And the man chucked a stray whiskey sour in your face.

The $15 spirits splattered on your skin like the meanest insult of all. His aim was better. Though he didn’t let go of the cup, as you had with him, he did make sure to coat the whole of your twisted look with the liquor, and once it landed, he had had the nerve to do something else, too.

He brought the glass to his lips then drank what was left.

“How’s it feel?” he sneered.

You stood in wet, sticky silence for half a second; arguably, you’d earned that cocktail to the face.

On the other hand, who the fuck did he think he was?

You grabbed a random can of Keystone Light and flung it at his chest to give him a hint—and catch him off-guard.

“You’re a bitch, Tommy Miller!”

“Wh—”

“Maria’s my best friend, you absolute f—”

“What—”

“—and you cheated on her for what? All so she—”

“What did you just call me?!”

“A BITCH!”

“No, the NAME!”

“TOMMY MILLER!”

“I’M JOEL!”

Oh.

Oh.

You and Joel were shortly escorted out of the bar.

Joel’s name, and a trace of bourbon, were still fresh on your tongue when you found yourself stranded in the middle of the Tipsy Bison parking lot two minutes later. You leaned into a car beside you and held your stomach.

“Someone drop you on the head as a baby?” Joel barked.

Presently, for you, the world was tilting sideways, and your head was throbbing at a nauseating tempo.

“Go around slingin’ drinks at any old man you—”

Green. Green must’ve been the color of your face as you braced your hands on your knees and assumed a stance as if to scream at the ground. Rather than expecting any noise to ring out, though, you had only to squeeze your eyes shut and hold onto a hunch for something much less pleasant. And viscous.

Reeking mostly of Red Bull and regret, if you had to guess.

Joel took a big step back, and then he took another.

“Da-a-adgummit, girl, what the—”

He turned away just in time to miss the sight of you emptying your guts on the ground, but not quite fast enough to be spared the sounds of you retching. They were loud. Joel Miller was known to be a largely imperturbable force around these parts, but even he was made to feel queasy hearing that. Out of habit, he clapped his hand to his own gut and stumbled off. He stared at the bar, then at his car, then at the gravel crushed under his feet for what felt like the longest time. Then his gaze lingered to his lower half, and he thought:

‘Please, please don’t gimme no daughters. Please.’

He was forty-five. The time for making babies and raising daughters to be anything like a woman of your ilk was probably long past him. All the same, he kept his gaze on his crotch and sighed. Balls, you better not betray me.

When he heard the crunch of rocks, he turned around.

“HEY!”

Oh, no. No. Not tonight.

You were staggering to your car, keys in hand.

“Hey!” Joel called again, jogging after you.

It seemed the second shout had done him no more favors than the first. You were fumbling to get the key inside the door, and you looked as determined as ever.

Over your shoulder, you tossed back, careless:

“You ain’t the boss of me, Tommy Miller.”

You got the key to turn. You opened the door. You were just about to climb inside what looked to Joel to be the ugliest Dodge Ram pickup he’d seen in his life, when he grabbed your arm.

“It’s Joel,” he growled. Pinching your elbow tight as he tugged it back, “And you ain’t driving anywhere tonight.”

Somewhere in front of him, tilted away from his line of vision, you must’ve been grinning, because the next thing he heard from you was the scoff of a laugh.

“Oh yeah?”

Joel flipped you around to face him.

“Yeah,” he snapped.

Feeling a bit like a kid for mimicking your tone.

What were you, twenty-two? Twenty-three? You couldn’t have been a patron of a place like Tipsy Bison for very long, or else he would’ve recognized you tonight.

Then again, you struck him as the type to have had a fake ID since you were fifteen, so he really couldn’t know.

“I’m twenny-wuh-un,” you slurred up at him, exaggerated, once he’d made you step down from the running board and onto the ground. Answering his last unspoken question with the same, sleepy grin as before. Then lifting one of your hands to wag a finger in his face, “I can drink legal anywhere I want to in this country.”

“Not there,” Joel nodded to the interstate.

You looked to where he’d gestured and whistled. Standing and staring, like he had done to his crotch.

“Well fuck me-e!” you said next, dragging out the sound a childish amount, “You the law or somethin’, Mr. Joel?”

“Ain’t no cop.” Joel rolled his eyes.

You kept smiling. Then you turned on your heels.

And instead of trying to climb back into your truck, you sauntered off—in what direction, Joel couldn’t tell. You were more so bumbling about, turning in circles like the world’s most scantily-clad, semi-intoxicated ballerina. And then you stopped. You put your hands on your hips.

“‘Cause I’m the law,” you resumed in a slow, deliberate drawl. The twang you used was mostly feigned, “And you cain’t beat the law. Don’t nobody get away with that, not even a bunch’a Alabama smart alecks, believe you me.”

Joel didn’t know what the fuck you were talking about. The man was Texas born and bred, and you knew it.

He communicated as much by pinning you with a wide, bewildered stare, and something in that seemed to amuse. You stared back, making your eyes bug out too.

“It’s a quote from a movie,” you said, after a beat, “You’ve never seen Fried Green Tomatoes before?”

Joel couldn’t say that he had.

Joel reckoned there was a lot more than just movies he didn’t share in common with you. Miss Twenty-One. Barely a year past the age he’d been when he’d moved out of the house and tried to make a living on his own.

This woman, this girl he saw twirling out in front of him now probably couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel if he’d asked you to. Joel shook his head and moved his feet, frown etching deep.

“Alright, princess. Up.”

You didn’t seem to understand, until he’d lifted you. Up.

You were thrown over his shoulder and carried to a truck much nicer than yours in less than fifteen seconds or so.

“Stinks in here,” you said as soon as he’d set you down.

Then, sniffing the air—and grinning:

“Aw, hell, Miller…you smoke?”

Joel wished he’d said no.

Wished he’d rolled his eyes and told you to pipe down, stop asking him questions. It would’ve made the drive a whole lot easier, and more peaceful. Nowhere near as painful, either, if he were being perfectly honest—the strain in his jeans had already gotten to be more than he could bear, and all you’d asked for was a pack of smokes.

“They call ‘em Cowboy Killers,” you said, matter-of-fact.

“I know what they’re called,” Joel grumbled in reply. Flicking the radio on and hoping to find a tune that would drown out the too-lovely, cloying voice you’d assumed as soon as you thought you might win a cigarette off of him. More chatty now than ever.

And for one, blissful moment, Toby Keith had you beat. The calm was fleeting. As soon as ‘Who’s Your Daddy’ started to drift through the car’s old speakers, you reached across and turned the knob to the left.

“Gross,” you muttered.

“What?”

“Got a light?”

“Blow me.”

Joel’s harsh, clipped tone was deliberate. The way he’d made himself mean—meaner than he’d been around a woman in a long, long time—was a choice. He couldn’t let your faux sweetness win him now. Not after you’d thrown two drinks in his face, mocked his truck, and foreclosed any possibility of getting laid by way of all your publicized infidelity philippics and shit-talking. Giving in to your charms from where you sat in the passenger seat now would only sink him further in his own esteem. Simply put, Joel’s ego couldn’t take it.

“Okie doke,” you said presently. Shrugging.

“Now keep your—HEY!”

Joel nearly swerved his truck off the road and into a ditch. Your deft little hands had slipped into his lap—and started palming his crotch through the denim.

He’d just managed to right the vehicle before jerking a look your way, staring at your hand, then your face:

“What the fuck was that?!”

“You said ‘blow me,’ Joel!” you huffed, and you seriously appeared as distraught as he was, “Sorry for listening!”

Joel grit his teeth with all the force of a cold steel trap.

“You’re fuckin’ nuts.” He gripped the wheel even tighter.

“I’m aware.”

“Where the hell do you live, anyway?”

You told him.

Your hand slipped down to the seat beside him.

And just as Joel let out what felt like the tiniest sigh of relief—he knew where that was, and the address sounded vaguely familiar—he yelped again. This time, he managed to keep control of his truck, but it was hard.

Your fingers had returned, and they were kneading the bulge under his jeans. Joel flushed from head to toe.

He didn’t have so much as half a mind to make you stop. He didn’t want to see you slink back over to your side of the car. But you were twenty-one, and he was forty-five. And you were both under the influence to some degree. And he was driving, for fuck’s sake. Shit like that only worked in dreams—not on a highway in a town like this.

He turned the radio dial to 75. At length, he heard it loud:

‘WHO’S YOUR DADDY? WHO’S YOUR BA-A-A-ABY?’

He saw you cringe.

“C’mon, Joel,” you groaned, “That’s…yuck.”

The fingers of the one hand kept digging, rubbing, but the other reached out and turned the music down again.

Joel shifted in his seat, feeling the pleasure start to bloom from the pit of his stomach, but not wanting to let you off that easy. Briefly, he looked from the road to you.

“What? You got a problem with Toby Keith?”

“I got a problem with anyone sayin’ ‘daddy’ like that.”

You unzipped his fly. Popped the button of his jeans from underneath the soft shelf of belly hanging over it, and held him, finally. You could only cup his erection through his boxers at that point, but the friction was enough to send a shiver through the whole of the old man’s body. He hadn’t been touched like that by a hand that wasn’t his own in…he couldn’t remember how long. He sighed.

“That why you’ve got your hand down the pants of a man old enough to be your father?” Joel quipped.

He couldn’t help it.

Your hand only gripped him tighter. From the passenger seat, you’d leaned over and started crawling. Scowling.

Your knees swiftly planted themselves on the old, upholstered cushion of the bucket seat, and you slipped a touch beneath the waistband of his underwear. With a hand that was smooth and soft and eager to please, you wrapped your fingers around that base and leaned in.

“You sound like you want me to say it,” you whispered.

Under your hand, he pulsed. His gaze stayed on the road.

“Don’t make no difference to me, sweet pea,” he said, and was amazed how even he was able to keep his tone:

“But those ‘Cowboy Killers’ you wanted…”

Your fingers curled tighter. Your head sank lower.

“…they don’t come cheap, y’know.”

Oh, you knew. He saw a smile snag at the corners of your lips as you brought them to his lap, and he had to force himself to look at the road again. It was empty and dark.

The tarmac stretched out for days. The fields rolling past warned sternly, ‘Don’t let her win,’ and something more in between each tree seemed to invite deliberation—remembrance, maybe. Joel was far too focused on the feel of your mouth to give the woods a second thought.

You’d worked the first inch between your lips in a slick, obscene sort of kiss; you made room for just the head and then toyed with a bead of precum leaking out of his slit. You licked it, squeezed the shaft in your hand, and hummed while the first real moan rumbled through him.

Joel turned to putty with just that flick of your tongue. He didn’t have to see your face to know he was losing.

On the wheel, his grip grew tighter, and he choked out:

“Ain’t your fuckin’ lollypop, kid.”

Then, dropping one hand to push down on your head—make you take him to the back of your throat in one go.

“Daddy wants you to suck him like a big girl, hear?”

At the base of his cock, he felt you gag. From the bottom of his heart, Joel knew there was no sound sweeter than that. He ran his fingers over your skull and tapped gently.

“If you want those smokes,” he told you—and really, with all the warmth and moisture of your mouth enveloping him now, he’d had to try to sound rougher than he was, “You’re gonna do what daddy says and suck him right.”

You gagged again, then squeezed his denim-clad leg with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around his member.

Joel yanked you by your hair and made you look up.

Your cheeks were already smeared with spit and tears. Much to his surprise, he found your eyes alight and soft.

Suffused with desire, too, from what he could see.

“Yes, daddy.” You grinned up at him.

Joel knew if he let your gaze stay on his a second longer now he’d either crash his car, blow his load, or fall in love—and he simply refused to let you succeed on any of those fronts, so he shoved your face back down.

You sucked him obediently. Greedily. Mouth growing more pliant and wet by the second, as if your jaw and salivary glands had contrived to get him as close to release as possible, as quickly as they were able.

Joel took a left onto a road he had only a dim recognition as being connected to yours, and he got that feeling again. You were bobbing your head, taking him further, flattening your tongue along the bottom of his member when his pleasure swelled inside him. At the same time, he felt a sense of dread. His hands were shaking on the wheel. He didn’t dare steal a look down to the sweet, soaked, perfect little mouth sucking him dry, because he knew that feeling would only strike twice as hard. He had to cum, or make you stop, or bring his truck to a halt.

As it was, he felt five tiny crescents sink into his thigh as you gripped him tighter, and a noise bubbled up in your mouth. Your breathing went shallow, and your lips stretched wide—you were trying, and succeeding, in deep-throating his thick, throbbing, much-too-old-for-a-girl-her-age member down close to your windpipe, and Joel could feel it. He hit his blinker, not thinking, and saw a sign that marked your street. Trepidation hit him again.

Fully, this time, in a feeling that was more like terror.

He didn’t have another second to question it, either. By the time he had the old, lone farmhouse in his sights and his heart nearly halfway up his throat with fear, your own throat pulsed, and opened the last two inches to him in. Your nose found their home in the rough, grey, wiry hairs at the base of his belly, having swallowed him whole, and Joel quickly sensed the start of what he knew too well.

He came down your throat in one, two, three, four, five long spurts, and didn’t let his foot off the gas even once.

He saw your house, approaching closer now, and paled.

No fucking way.

You’d wanted to skip the whole way up your drive.

Spit still drying on your cheeks, cum resting comfortably in your belly, and a smile as bright as the sun on your face as you waved to the F-150 pulling off toward the road, you’d never felt more alive—or smug—in your life.

“Is your dad…Lucien Flores?” Joel had asked no more than a second after his dick slipped out of your mouth.

“The one and only.”

Somehow, his face got even paler. His jaw visibly clenched, and his palm hit the top of the wheel. Hard.

It was then that you’d learned your father had hired Joel Miller on as a full-time ranch hand sometime last week.

He’d remembered the address, vaguely, but didn’t connect the dots until he’d pulled up in front of your house and damn near punctured your windpipe with his pulsing dick from how fast he’d jumped up—and cum.

His spend had almost shot through your nose with the force of it, but you didn’t mind. Once he’d revealed the wild, gory, and admittedly hilarious details of his newfound employment, you were too busy laughing your ass off to care if he’d torn your throat in two with his dick.

“So you really are a cowboy, then,” you’d said, giggling.

Joel had scowled. Rolled his eyes. Practically turned the color of a tomato when you leaned in and kissed him.

Now you were waving to him from your front door.

Joel’s truck was slow to go. The taste of him was fresh.

And there, weighing light in your back pocket while you said goodbye was a brand new pack of Marlboro Reds.

2:21 AM

You were safely in bed. You checked your phone.

Aside from fourteen missed calls, you saw:

1:09 AM – Maria

DUDE

1:09 AM

TOMMY JUST CAME HOME

1:09 AM

THAT’S NOT HIM AT THE BAR

1:13 AM

IT’S JUST JOEL!! HIS BROTHER!!!

1:13 AM

ABORT ABORT ABORT

1:42 AM

DAVE SAID YOU BEAT JOEL UP???? CALL ME

1:54 AM – Dave York

Ur gonna fuck that old dude aren’t u

[batboyblog]

House Election 2024

In the House Republican have a majority of just 4 seats, flip 4 seats and Democrats get a majority and can pass things like national abortion rights, voting rights, bills on student loan debt and medical debt and much more. So here's a list of the key races for control of the House, so look up your district and find a way to get involved.

Find your House District

Alabama

Shomari Figures (AL-02) Flip

Alaska

Mary Peltola (AK-AL) Hold

Arizona

Amish Shah (AZ-01) Flip

Kirsten Engel (AZ-06) Flip

California

Jessica Morse (CA-03) Flip

Josh Harder (CA-09) Hold

Adam Gray (CA-13) Flip

Rudy Salas (CA-22) Flip

George Whitesides (CA-27) Flip

Joe Kerr (CA-40) Flip

Will Rollins (CA-41) Flip

Derek Tran (CA-45) Flip

Dave Min (CA-47) Hold

Mike Levin (CA-49) Hold

Colorado

Adam Frisch (CO-03) Flip

Yadira Caraveo (CO-08) Hold

Connecticut

Jahana Hayes (CT-05) Hold

Florida

Darren Soto (FL-09) Hold

Whitney Fox (FL-13) Flip

Jared Moskowitz (FL-23) Hold

Illinois

Nikki Budzinski (IL-13) Hold

Eric Sorensen (IL-17) Hold

Indiana

Frank Mrvan (IN-01) Hold

Iowa

Christina Bohannan (IA-01) Flip

Lanon Baccam (IA-03) Flip

Kansas

Sharice Davids (KS-03) Hold

Maine

Jared Golden (ME-02) Hold

Maryland

April McClain-Delaney (MD-06) Hold

Michigan

Hillary Scholten (MI-03) Hold

Curtis Hertel (MI-07) Hold

Kristen McDonald Rivet (MI-08) Hold

Carl Marlinga (MI-10) Flip

Minnesota

Angie Craig (MN-02) Hold

Montana

Monica Tranel (MT-01) Flip

Nebraska

Tony Vargas (NE-02) Flip

Nevada

Dina Titus (NV-01) Hold

Susie Lee (NV-03) Hold

Steven Horsford (NV-04) Hold

New Hampshire

Chris Pappas (NH-01) Hold

New Jersey

Sue Altman (NJ-07) Flip

New Mexico

Gabe Vasquez (NM-02) Hold

New York

John Avlon (NY-01) Flip

Tom Suozzi (NY-03) Hold

Laura Gillen (NY-04) Flip

Mondaire Jones (NY-17) Flip

Pat Ryan (NY-18) Hold

Josh Riley (NY-19) Flip

John Mannion (NY-22) Flip

North Carolina

Don Davis (NC-01) Hold

Ohio

Greg Landsman (OH-01) Hold

Marcy Kaptur (OH-09) Hold

Emilia Sykes (OH-13) Hold

Oregon

Val Hoyle (OR-04) Hold

Janelle Bynum (OR-05) Flip

Andrea Salinas (OR-06) Hold

Pennsylvania

Ashley Ehasz (PA-01) Flip

Susan Wild (PA-07) Hold

Matt Cartwright (PA-08) Hold

Janelle Stelson (PA-10) Flip

Chris Deluzio (PA-17) Hold

Texas

Michelle Vallejo (TX-15) Flip

Henry Cuellar (TX-28) Hold

Vicente Gonzalez (TX-34) Hold

Virginia

Missy Cotter Smasal (VA-02) Flip

Eugene Vindman (VA-07) Hold

Washington

Marie Gluesenkamp Perez (WA-03) Hold

Kim Schrier (WA-08) Hold

Wisconsin

Peter Barca (WI-01) Flip

Rebecca Cooke (WI-03) Flip

If you live in any of these congressional districts (or close to them) you absolutely must sign up to volunteer and help! you! yes you! get to decide what America looks like in 2025, is it gonna be Project 2025 and Trump? or Kamala Harris, Tim Walz and the Democrats protecting your right to control your own body, taking action on the climate and making life more affordable? its up to each of us to do all we can to get to the country we want.

[bottlehawk]

no sburb beta earth au where dave "microcelebrity" strider suddenly gains a big following on the internet after a spike of people discover his sbahj comics online when a screenshot of one goes particularly viral and turns into a [top text/bottom text] meme and some hipsters are like "woah,, this is actually some really avant garde stuff". when he's churning these out sitting in the bathroom stall at school once a day during lunch period. so then he gets REALLY popular and then inevitably gets cancelled at some point when a communications/poli sci major reads one of his comics and then types up a whole memo board explaining how sbahj is actually neo-conservative propaganda written as part of a conspiracy to undermine the 2008 obama presidency. and there's a whole rage war since the memo board was written really convincingly with red arrows and circles drawn around sweet bro's head and everything and dave hasn't made any public statements about it and also no one actually understands what sbahj is about. so threads are being written up about this and people are like emailing death threats to each other over it and someone even tries to doxx him and then manages to find out he lives in texas and some people start actually taking the whole thing seriously because He's From Texas (never mind the fact it's houston). meanwhile dave just started his midterms and he has to focus because he actually cares about school and his future and so he takes a short "hiatus" which people freak out even more over because they take it as him backing away due to the allegations online. and then after winter break dave comes back and opens up a q&a for his 169th "bro wee ar doign it wee ar making it hapen" special and at some point after a barrage of questions in his inbox (q: was "swety bro and hela jeff crassh on the freway" inspired by a real car accident you were in? a: i don't own a car / q: what job do you have in real life? a: unemployed but i pick up roadkill off the street sometimes / q: who did you vote for in the 2008 primaries a: i didn't) someone finally has the bright idea to ask "hey how old are you" and he replies "i'm 13" and all hell breaks loose.

[vinyldreamsfuckup]

Birthday Boy

warnings: smut, fluff, striptease, semi-rough sex, oral (female receiving), fingering (female receiving), squirting, praise, smoking, drinking, cussing, bantering, playful name-calling

Slash's birthday had always been a huge day. Axl would always throw some huge rager where we all got completely drunk and ate cake. Honestly, it was always super fun. This year was a little different, but not by much. You flew out to meet Slash on tour for his 24th birthday. They were out in Texas on tour with Aerosmith. Technically, they weren't supposed to be drinking or smoking backstage but Axl was also known for breaking the rules and doing whatever the fuck he wanted. Axl's birthday present to Slash was you. Well, you and a striptease which you had agreed to.

You walked through the venue in your leather pants and one of Slash's t-shirts. It was a white Killer Pussy shirt. Underneath you were wearing a red lace bra with matching underwear. You were twiddling your fingers as you walked through the venue with one of the security guards. You weren't really nervous about Slash's reaction because you knew he would be excited to see you, but you also knew there would be groupies EVERYWHERE. It always made you anxious to go in and see Slash when there were groupies around cause they weren't always nice.

You approached the door to the dressing room. Music, laughing, and talking oozed out of the door. You looked over at Dave, Slash's security guard. He smiled, "He's been missing you."

"Yeah?" You asked as you exhaled the breath you'd been holding in. Dave nodded.

"Yeah," Dave chuckled, "Yeah, he's been non-stop talking about you. He's been carrying around a picture of the two of you and showing everyone every chance he gets."

You couldn't help the small smile that tugged at the corners of your lips, "Really?"

Dave laughed and nodded, "Yeah man. He loves you. You don't have anything to be nervous about."

"Thank you," You smiled and nodded.

You took a deep breath and pushed the door open. Everyone paused and Slash looked up from the couch. He was sitting next to Duff wearing no shirt. he had on his short shorts and he was smoking a cigarette. Your eyes met and a huge smile spread across his face.

"No fucking way," Slash said with a huge smile. He got up and quickly rushed to you and picked you up into a hug, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"It's your birthday, idiot. You think I'd miss it," You giggled into his shoulder. He let out a laugh and squeezed you tighter.

"God you bitch. I missed you," Slash laughed out. You giggled and hugged him tighter.

"I missed you too," You pulled your head back to look at him. He smiled and kissed you.

"God you look so good too," Slash mumbled against your lips. He tasted like whiskey, cigarettes, and mint gum.

You giggled against his lips, "Thank you, baby."

The party went on with both of you cuddling, kissing, and getting increasingly more and more drunk until Axl decided it was time for the birthday cake portion of the night.

Axl and Duff carried the cake over to Slash. Everyone was singing "Happy Birthday." Slash wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer as they brought the cake over. It was a sheet cake with writing on it that read: "Happy fucking birthday you fucker."

Slash laughed when we saw the cake. They set it in his lap and everyone finished singing to him. He blew out the candles and people took some pictures before we all grabbed forks. You all didn't even bother cutting slices, you just dug straight in taking bites off the cake.

"Okay, time for the present," Axl slurred his words. You looked up at him, your eyes slightly glossy.

"Right now?" You slurred looking up from the cake. Slash looked between you and Axl confusedly.

"What present?" Slash asked he was practically hanging all over you. You giggled drunkenly, "I thought you were the present."

"She was, but there's even more," Axl said with a smile. Slash looked over at you with furrowed eyebrows.

"It's a surprise," You slurred and stood up. Axl smiled and walked over to the speaker, which was blasting music.

"Move," Duff mumbled as he pushed people out of the way to make room for you. Slash furrowed his eyebrows and took a sip of his drink.

"What are you doing, princess?" Slash slurred. You shushed him and Axl started some kind of horrible music. Slash let out a laugh.

“Okay you have to just give me a second,” You breathed out. You took a deep breath and smiled at him. You leaned over and set your hands on his shoulders. He smiled his goofy smile at you.

“Are you about to dance for me?” Slash giggled. You nodded and smiled. Slash's smile widened and he grabbed your hips.

You smacked his hand away, "No. No touching."

"What? It's my birthday," Slash pouted. You giggled.

"You can touch in a second just wait," You said as you took a step back. You carefully undid your belt and pulled it off. Slash smiled and leaned forward. You handed him your belt and he grabbed it and giggled.

"Okay baby," You smiled, "Ready?"

Slash nodded quickly. You carefully started dancing, mainly moving your hips, and pulled off your (Slash's) shirt. His eyes focused on your red lace bra and he took a deep breath. He adjusted slightly in his seat.

"Jesus Christ," He whispered. Whistles sounded off behind you as you moved. You took a step toward him and his gaze moved up and down your body. He grabbed your hips and you chuckled.

"You wanna do it?" You whispered as you grabbed the laces on your leather pants. He looked up at you and nodded. He carefully started to undo the laces on the pants and saw a glimpse of the red lace underwear you were wearing. His eyes widened and shot up to look at you.

"Everyone out," Slash said coldly. His eyes were still on you, desire and lust filling his gaze.

The whistles stopped and Axl furrowed his eyebrows, "Wait what?"

"Get out," Slash said again. He pulled you closer and everyone quickly stood up and rushed out of the room. Once the door was closed, Slash quickly undid the laces and pulled the leather pants off.

"Fucking christ, you're so beautiful," Slash breathed out. You chuckled and leaned in front of him. He cupped your breath feeling the lace under his hand.

"You can do whatever you'd like, baby. It's your birthday," You said softly. A smile stretched across his face. He picked you up and brought you to the vanity. He set you down and started kissing you, running his hands up your thighs. He pulled you to the edge of the vanity and kissed down your neck.

"God I fucking love you," He breathed out. He pulled at the red lace thong you were wearing.

"I love you too, honey. Happy birthday," You breathed out.

Slash pulled off the underwear and sunk to his knees. He gripped your thighs tightly and kissed up your thigh. You let out a shaky breath and tangled your hand into his hair. He licked through your folds and a long moan fell from your mouth.

"Fuck..." Slash mumbled before he started ravishing you. His tongue circled your clit and inserted a finger, curling it as he did.

"Oh my god...Slash..." You moaned out. He smiled against your core as he lapped your folds.

He looked up at you as you moaned and writhed beneath him. As your legs started to shake he pulled back earning a needy whine, "What...why?"

He chuckled and wiped his face. He stood up and pulled off his shorts. He stroked himself as he looked at you, "Take that beautiful bra off."

You quickly leaned forward, took off the lace bra, and tossed it away mindlessly.

"Fuck...you're so perfect," Slash smiled as he slowly positioned himself against your entrance, "You gonna be a good girl?"

You nodded, "Yes, baby. I'll be good."

He smiled, "You're always good."

He chuckled and pushed into you. Both of you groaned in unison as you adjusted to him.

"So beautiful..." Slash muttered as he grabbed your hips and started thrusting into you, slowly at first.

Having sex tipsy was always different, especially with Slash. He was so loving all the time, but when he was tipsy he was much more clingy. The alcohol made both of you more sensitive. This time was no exception. Moans fell from both of your mouths as he pounded into you. The vanity shook beneath you and the mirror rattled against the wall.

"Slash...baby...yes," You moaned. His grip on your hips tightened. You were sure he'd leave bruises.

"Fuck...keep moaning like that. so fucking good," Slash grunted as he pounded into you harder. You grabbed his shoulder and dug your nails into his skin. He let out a loud moan.

"Slash...Slash yes," You moaned out. He rested his forehead on your shoulder as he moved harder against you.

"Fuck baby...so good for me...so loud...fuck," Slash moaned out. His body shuddered and you felt him twitch inside of you.

"Slash...baby...'M close..." You whined. He nodded and moved his hand to your clit, circling his fingers around it as he pounded into you relentlessly. The mirror smacked roughly against the wall and the vanity squeaked as you moved. A loud moan fell from your mouth and your head fell back against the mirror.

"Yes baby...yes," Slash moaned out as he watched you.

"Slash....Slash..." You whined as your legs started to shake. You felt him twitch inside of you again. He was close you could tell.

"Fuck...fuck..." Slash muttered and added more pressure to your clit. You felt the coil start to build in your stomach, it threatened to snap with every movement.

You dug your nails further into Slash's back as you clenched around him and squirted out on his thighs. A long moan fell from your mouth as your back arched. Slash groaned and slammed in a final time as he finished. You both sat there trying to catch your breath.

"Fuck..." Slash breathed out.

"Happy birthday, baby," You said breathlessly. He let out a small breathless chuckle.

"Best birthday ever," He said with a smile.

[wildemaven]

strangers : fog | dave york

pairing: dave york x f!reader word count: 5208 chapter warning's: 18+ blog: established relationship, workaholic Dave, soft Dave, miscommunication, Smut (slight exhibitionism, dry humping, orgasms, keeping kind of vague for the sake of not giving things away), implied/alluding to infidelity (there is none, reader just doesn’t know this), Dave’s phone makes an appearance- shocking, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, conversations with bestie, reader is mentioned wearing lingerie and a bathing suit- but zero description features, no age given but it’s implied she’s at least over 30, no y/n, this is au- no Carol (at least not canon Carol) or kids, if I missed anything let me know notes: I kind of struggled with the end of this one. It felt very flat and blah, but thankfully @gnpwdrnwhiskey Is a gem and helped me, and it feels good now. So grateful for all of you who’ve been following along. Xoxo

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It’s sweet. 

But not the kind of sweet that aches and destroys your addiction. 

It’s perfect. Just enough. 

The kind of sweet that falls somewhere in the middle. Satiating that deep seeded craving that burns through your every fiber. 

Like a glass of ice cold tea under the Texas sun, sweetened to perfection. Each tantalizing drop coating your tongue, idly encompassing every single taste bud with refreshing pleasure. 

You're greedy. Reveling in your consumption. Take. Take. Take. Because it’s all you want and everything you’ve been needing. 

Finally.

You feel him everywhere. The weight of him is substantial, pressing you into the side of the pool. A secure grip onto the ledge, the swell of his biceps flexed as he does his best to keep you both suspended and unmoving from your secluded spot. 

He’s a blistering summer heatwave, one you’re fully hydrated and prepared for, but still stunned by its sultriness. 

“You think they’re watching us right? All of them so fucking jealous at how good I’m makin’ you feel.” You don’t bother to take a look when he says it, your head angled back and eyes closed as his lips work their way up your neck, your only concern at the moment. 

“Mmhmm— I honestly don’t care. Let them watch. Let them see how good you’re taking care of me— fuckbaby!” Your train of thought derailed when his hips jerk up with a little more eagerness than you expected. 

The cool water laps rhythmically against you both. The tiniest of splashes to your exposed skin as it surrounds your bodies, relieving the heat that’s burning through you. 

“Ahh!” You gasp at the sensation of his teeth sinking into your bottom lip. Nipping and pulling. The gentle glide of his tongue soothing over the pleasant sting. 

“Sorry—“ He manages to get out. “Didn’t mean to be so rough, but also been wantin’ this so fuckin’ bad.”

His lips seal over yours again, groaning where he can feel you grinding against him, discreetly hidden below the surface of the water. Your legs wrapped tightly around his narrow waist, holding him as close as possible. 

He’s unbelievably hard. Cock nudging against your aching core, the water aiding in the flow of your hips moving over him in search of relief. 

“I’m definitely not complaining in the slightest. If anything, I’m entirely enjoying the roughness— wouldn’t be opposed to more of it.” You say smiling against his swollen lips. 

Your words lure him back in, driven by a deeper sense of want forging beneath the water. Lashes fluttering shut as every bit of him consumes your senses. All tongues and teeth, tracing over every ridge and fleshy surface. A sweet delicate dance of unbridled emotions. 

It's a slow building, intensely breathtaking. Your body ignited by self-indulgent energy, so hell-bent on seeking out unrivaled satisfaction, but you don’t seem to care. Focused solely on how each and every nerve lights up because of him, desperately wanting a release. A natural response to the way he’s holding you, kissing you, his determination to bring you closer and closer to the edge. 

“Fuck— that feels so good!” Breathless and anchoring yourself to his warm body. 

“Yeah? You think you can come like this?” One of his hands settles on your hip, helping your unfaltering movements, hitting that ever so desirable spot just right. “There you go, gorgeous— just like that.”

“ohmygod!! I’m so close— don’t stop. Please, don’t stop.“ Your grip secure on his taut shoulders, unmoving even under the wet conditions. Your head falling onto his forehead, noses nudging, exchanging desperate wordless breaths. 

“I’ve got ya.” He whispers, nodding softly as your body writhes against him. “Come for me, Baby.”

“Oh fuck! oh fuck! oh fuck— I’m coming!” Everything dissolves into pleasure. Tense and blissed out as your cunt contracts around nothing. 

“Open your eyes, Baby. Let me see you come undone.”

You pull back just enough to see him. He’s beautiful, framed in a hazy white vignette. His patchy beard is both rough and soft beneath your fingertips, tracing over every little detail of him while you still can. His rich brown eyes now a golden hue as the light hits them from the reflection of the water.  

“Fuck— Joel!”

You’re floating. Further and further away. Every detail of him slowly dissolving into nothingness. 

Your body jolts awake, Oh god, That felt so fucking real. Quickly sitting up, your hand to your chest feeling where your heart is frantically pounding. 

The dry air from the vent billows out from above you, cooling as it skims over your tacky skin. 

The remnants of last night's headache still remain. Though it wanes in intensity, the throbbing pain continues. Rubbing at your temples, the added pressure doing absolutely nothing. 

There’s a faint familiar ache that catches your attention from below the sheets, prompting you to throw them off, finding a pillow still tucked tightly between your legs. The experimental squeeze of your thighs around the pillow sends a fresh ripple of pleasure from your fading orgasm, causing you to inhale sharply. Your palms clamping over your mouth, breath more constricted than the last as a strong feeling of shame begins to surge through your veins. 

The hotel room feels paralyzing, especially with Dave sleeping beside you. 

The beach. 

Needing some fresh air and some time to collect your irrational thoughts, away from this confined space where everything seems to be closing in on you. Hastily, you manage to pull on some warm clothes and sandals while throwing your wallet and phone in your purse without waking Dave.

You know the minute he wakes up to find you gone he’ll panic. It will take only minutes to have all his agent buddies pulling maps and running background checks on anyone who lives within a mile radius of the hotel. You’re already annoyed with his distant behavior, you don’t have it in you to deal with the added disgruntlement that will ensue. 

Grabbing for the monogrammed hotel stationary, you scratch out a note to leave on this nightstand for him to find when he does wake. 

Good Morning, Babe Couldn’t sleep. Went for a walk down to the beach. I have my phone. Will be back in a bit.  Love you Xoxo

You two his phone screen, noting the time at the bottom— 8:00 am —a little tactic Dave had ingrained in you for matters as such, giving a starting point in the case anything were to happen to you, taking the guessing game of when out of the equation. 

A New Message glows on the screen, came in sometime last night after you both got back from dinner, he must have fallen asleep before seeing it. 

Double checking, you peek over the mound of blankets that is Dave’s solid body— still sleeping. The side of his face buried into his pillow and his plush lips parted. No worry lines etched across his forehead. No tension pulling at his jawline. His perfectly groomed hair, all disheveled and twisted in all directions. 

Your heart blooms at how handsome he is, his truest self on full display. A running joke between you, how others would be disappointed to find out his grumpy exterior is all a show, only reserving his softer side and big heart for you. 

Refocusing back to his phone, you tap the message to preview it— a message from his mom. 

Mom: Did she find out? Call me when you can, we’ll talk about it then. 

Did she find out? Find out what?

*

The beach isn’t far from the hotel. Grateful for only a few hellos and forced smiles exchanged on the shared path on the short walk.

The air is crisp the closer you get to the water, a light breeze blows over the shoreline bringing tiny bits of sand crystals through the air. You can feel the salt already crystallizing against your cheeks. 

The lingering fog adds a bit of gloom to the atmosphere as you look out over the horizon in front of you. The white caps of the waves slowly roll over into the next, pushing their way through until they’ve reached the shore. The water fanning out as it moves, blanketing over the sand as it reaches where feet are planted firmly, now surrounded by the frigid sea water. Then it slowly slinks back out, leaving you numb as you wait for it to return. 

Good Morning! Are you busy?  No. Are you okay? Yeah, I’m fine. I just need someone to talk to.  One sec!

It takes a few flicks of the small metal dial for the flame to ignite, cupping your hand around to shelter it from the light wind threatening to squash your attempt at some sort of relief. 

It’s instant when it hits the back of your mouth, swirling and stinging about as it creeps up the back of your throat. That burn is all too familiar, no longer a regular occurrence, but definitely not forgotten. It takes the edge off momentarily, it always does. You imagine blowing out all your pent up anger as your release the smoke into the oceanic air. 

The cigarette sits between your fingers with ease, secure against those first knuckles as you bring it back to your lips for another desperate pull. That dedicated drag of your favorite menthol smokes had once been a regular part of your daily life in your college days. Getting you through long days of studying and working late hours, barely keeping your head above the water. Pack after pack. Light, smoke, tension gone, repeat. 

Eventually it was downgraded to a social practice before finally kicking the habit all together. Something Dave never pushed for, but was proud of you nonetheless. 

Your phone screen illuminates and buzzes simultaneously, a picture of Jacey double fisting some beers at last year's Fourth of July party pops up. The image alone already makes you feel better. 

“Mmm… Hello?” You can tell she just woke up by the way she garbles her words into the phone. 

“Hey, Jacey. I didn’t wake you did I?”

“Mhmm— Kind of but it’s okay— had a bit of a late night, but it’s fine. How are things going?”

“Fine. Good. Things are good.” Trying hard to keep your voice even without giving away too much— but she knows you too well. 

“I’m calling bullshit. You’re seriously the worst liar ever. Spill.” 

“Ugh. Where do I even start?” You tell her, audibly groaning into the brisk pacific air. 

“I’ve got some time.” 

Jacey has always been this way. Available whenever you’ve needed her, at a moment's notice. Connecting with her in college, your friendship has been a steady source of support and encouragement through the years. She stood by you when you married Dave— having her now makes you feel less alone. 

“Well, if it’s not one thing it’s another. There were some high hopes for sex when we got in the other night,  then he passed out— which is fine ‘cause traveling and what not. But I got in my head, questioning shit about myself and our relationship. Like maybe it’s me or something. He did try to initiate the next morning but I just kind of wasn’t feeling it— so we didn’t. Plus he had phone calls he needed to make so he wasn’t worrying about them the rest of our time here.”

“Hey, it’s not you at all. Don’t ever think that. You’re a catch— Dave knows that too.” She says, her reassurance firm but delivered sincerely. 

“Thank you. I mean, we kind of fooled around at the pool yesterday.”

“Ooooh!! I love this for you.”

“Well, then he ran off right before I— you know.”

“Fucking men, I swear.”

“Only to find him on the phone when he said he wouldn’t be. Then he was all jealous over this stranger I was talking to. We got back to the room, things seemed a little tense— we still went to dinner. Don’t really remember much after that, because I kept ordering dirty martinis at dinner.”

After hearing the beginning of his phone call, the shower didn’t do much to help. You didn’t want to make a scene, deciding to just leave the hurt bubbling inside of you back in the room and make the best of the rest of the night. 

Dave seemed pretty much his normal self going into dinner. Conversation was lighter than it was earlier in the room. You both caught up on things that you hadn’t really talked about in a while— details about his latest assignments (within reason), your own latest work projects, random tidbits about things —things felt normal.

There was a slight shift in the evening, when he was checking his phone more often than usual. Glancing at the screen between bites of his steak then trying to figure out where you left off in the conversation. 

You hadn’t even planned on drinking, but the chilled cocktail in front of Dave had been taunting you, begging to help obliterate your lingering thoughts. Then it was I’ll have another, Maybe one more, Suuuuure another sounds grreat. The dim restaurant turned into hazy fractures of light. The steady buzz of alcohol had you feel giggling and sleepy, slumping back into the velvet cushion of the intimate booth. Dave cut you off before things turned into a wild evening, shifting from your introverted self into a very lively and friendly drunk. 

You don’t even remember getting back to the room, just brief glimpses of Dave undressing you and helping you into one of his shirts, then tucking you into bed. 

“Hold up. Rewind— you fucking hate martinis! What the hell happened?!” She knows you so well. 

“Jacey, you’re my best friend. Someone who will be straight with me no matter what. I think— Do you think Dave is cheating on me?” You ask meekly, inhaling another minty pull from your nearly finished cigarette. 

“What?! Babe, why would you think Dave is cheating on you? Did something happen?”

““No— I mean yes. I think so. Fuck! I don't know what to think. We got back to the room after the pool yesterday, talked for a little bit then I went to get ready for dinner. I guess he thought I closed the door or something but I could hear him talking to someone—“ You try to keep your voice steady, finding it hard to blink the tears away as the wind whips around you. 

“Okay. Well, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating on you. It could have just been more work shit he said he wasn’t going to do. Maybe he figured he could squeeze it in before dinner— not wanting to upset you.” Jacey is all about layout the facts and details before jumping down dark rabbit holes. 

“Ashley— Her name is Ashley. I heard him say her name.” 

There’s a beat of silence on the line before you hear her sigh. 

“Oh— what else did you hear?” She says, sounding a little more somber than before. 

“Nothing. My brain kind of went blank after that and I just got ready for dinner like I didn’t hear anything. Hence the abundance of martinis I drank my way through. Which also explains the slight headache I woke up with this morning.”

“Okay. So whoever he was talking to—“

“Ashley.” Details Jacey. 

“Right, Ashley. We don’t really know much, aside from that. So it could be anyone. Could be work related— Ashley could be a last name too. You know how they always do that last name first thing for whatever reason.” Somehow she always finds a way to get you to back away from the cliff, especially when your feet are over the edge. 

“Yeah, probably.” You say softly in agreement. A flock of birds catching your attention, their wings moving in unison as they fly overhead. 

“Look, like you said before— I’m gonna be straight with you. I don’t think Dave is cheating or would ever cheat. That man loves you. Sure, he’s kind of been a little too invested in work, which is affecting things with you. I don’t think there’s someone else. I promise. But I do think you both need to talk instead of this weird dance you both are doing, that way you’re both on the same page.”

“Okay. Yeah— you’re right. Thank you, Jace. Last thing— Does it make me a bad person if I had a dream about another man last night?” You ask, feeling a bit embarrassed as you voice it out loud. 

“I have those all the time— especially with that cute actor from that narcos show we love. Dreams don’t equate to real life.” She only slightly laughs at your confession. 

“What if it was with a guy I met at the pool who’s staying in the hotel, who listened to me spill my life away about how I’m not sure if my husband wants kids or not now— and how marriage feels like a mess.” 

“Oh! Pool guy was cute— No, I don’t think that makes you a bad person. Your thoughts are just all over the place right now. It was a dream. You’re fine. Hey, I hate to bail on you— but I’m umm, getting another call. We will chat soon, then you can give me more details about the cute pool guy. Love you!”

“Love you too, Jace. Talk soon. Bye.”

The call clicks out. Waves crashing onto the shore brings you back to the beach. Your cheeks cold and feet stinging as the water recedes again. 

It's nearing 10 am now, deciding to head back before Dave does in fact worry that you’ve been gone for too long. You snuff out the smoldering cigarette in the wet sand and stick it in your bag to dispose of later. The added nicotine now mingles poorly with your lingering hangover, body in desperate need of water and a strong pain reliever. 

On your way back to the hotel, you take every bit of what Jacey said and truly let it sink in, even as hard as it is to not let your mind wander into dark territory. She’s right though, it doesn’t do you any good to dwell on situational events if you have zero proof of anything. That doesn’t mean that you’ve written off your uneasiness completely, just simply tucking it away for the time being. 

The sweet bellmen welcomes you back with a friendly smile and a wave as he holds the door open for your return. The lobby now bustles with more guests than earlier. Some checking in for their stay, others enjoying the picturesque ambience of the hotel. 

In the time that it takes to get up to your room, you’ve run through several different scenarios in your head. All feeling immensely overwhelming at the thought of talking with Dave about how you’ve been feeling since he hasn’t seemed to pick up on the subtle inklings that there’s been a definite shift in your relationship the past few months. You’re not really sure you even want to have the conversation now, let alone here— not wanting to ruin the rest of the vacation in the chance things don’t go as smoothly as you want. You ultimately decide to wait, once you’ve settled back in at home, finally address everything with him.

You can hear Dave’s voice muffled outside the door of your room as you search for your key card in your bag, sounding as if he’s talking to someone on the phone. 

The room is bright as you enter, the curtains pulled open allowing the sun to shine through the large windows. The bed is somewhat made with the pillows stacked neatly and sheets straightened in an orderly Dave manner. 

Food had already been ordered and delivered, set out on the small table on the balcony. Your favorite breakfast of eggs benedict and toast along with a fresh pot of coffee. Dave’s usual eggs and bacon sit untouched, waiting for your return to enjoy breakfast together. 

Dave’s standing in front of the window, looking out at the scenery with his phone to his ear, but the sound of you entering the room has him turning towards you. 

His hair is freshly washed, combed up and out of his face. Wearing his favorite blue jeans snug around his hips, a white patterned shirt just barely buttoned to reveal enough of his slightly burnt chest to make your mouth water. It’s his beaming smile, arguably his best accessory, that makes your chest flutter, drawing you in closer to where he’s standing. 

“It’s my mother.” He whispers, covering the phone with his hand as she continues to talk into his ear. 

Did she find out? Call me when you can, we’ll talk about it then. Still wondering what her vague text message meant. 

“Yeah, Mom. She just walked through the door.” You hear her mention your name through the speaker. “My mom says hi.”

“Hi, Carol.” You say sweetly, kissing Dave’s cheek before turning to place your bag on the ground near the dresser, leaning back on the wall, watching Dave as he finishes the rest of the conversation. 

“Okay, sounds good…Tell dad hello for us and we’ll talk to you later… Love you, too… bye.” The screen of his phone goes black and he tosses it over to the bed. 

Grabbing a glass and some small pills resting on the dresser, closing the short distance to where you’re standing and holding the water and pain reliever out to you.

“I figured your head is probably killing you this morning.” Dave says smiling at you, no sign of annoyance in his face. 

“Thanks— Sorry about last night. I don’t know what got into me.” Tossing back the pills back, gulping the water down quickly, your focus on the remaining drops of water sliding down the side of the glass, pooling together at the bottom. 

Dave takes the glass from you, setting it over on the top of the dresser. One of his hands settles on your hip as the other tilts your chin up so your gaze is now directed at him. 

“Did you have a good walk?” Dave asks. One of his warm hands now cupping the side of your neck, surely he can feel the way your pulse is quickening, elevated just by a simple touch from him. 

“Yeah. It was nice— foggy, but beautiful. We should go again before we leave.” Your hands migrate to his shirt, fingers absentmindedly toying with the top abandoned buttons and soft silky fabric.

“Umm— I can smell the smoke on you. It’s fine, I don’t mind that you were— but is everything okay?” He knows, senses something is off, because he knows you don’t just smoke to smoke these days. Senses there’s something that triggered your need for your old vice, something to dull out whatever is silently bothering you. 

Yet somehow you have almost forgotten about the cigarette until now when he asks. Feeling a bit of shame for the second time again this morning, though you don’t pick up on any sort of judgment when he does ask about it. 

“Everything is fine. Just sounded good so I bought them on my way to the beach— don’t think I’ll even finish the pack though. I’m good.” Liar. You hate the way Dave winces at your answer. He knows there’s something simmering below the surface, but he doesn’t push for more. 

“Okay— okay. There’s breakfast here and I was thinking afterwards we could go to some shops or something. I made reservations for tonight at 6, I thought you might want to find something new to wear. Maybe we can grab some lunch near the beach too.” He tells you, brushing off the small specks of sand cemented to your face. 

You find yourself on the brink of tears, swallowing the little lump that started to form in your throat. Certain the next few days would be filled with worriment and noiseless vexation. There’s almost relief in hearing how he’s planned out the day, something he hasn’t done in months. Work and meetings always at the forefront of his planning lately, leaving little to no time for dinners or regular weekend getaways. 

“Or we can stay in if you want.” His head tilts a little, brown eyes scanning over every detail of your face as you mull over his plans a little longer than he expected. 

“No, that sounds nice. I brought some dresses that I can wear though, we don’t have to buy anything.” You shake your head in response. Pushing a few loose strands that had fallen out of place, his eyes closing at the sensation of your fingers combing through his hair. 

“We can just look, and if you find something you like we can get it.” Dave suggests— a nice middle ground. 

He leans in, his nose knocking against yours, humming as you continue to play with his hair. 

“Okay.” You breathe out, his intense eye contact starting to ignite something within you. 

“You’re sure everything’s okay?” Offering you another opportunity to bare it all out for him. 

His lips graze over yours when he asks, just enough to have you wanting more. 

“Yeah. Everything is fine— promise.” 

“Alright. Let’s get some food in you and then we can get ready to head out. And there’s coffee—” His thought abandoned, his lips crashing into yours in a passionate kiss. 

You eagerly respond, wrapping your arms around his neck as he presses you further into the wall. Your head swirling with want, thrilled at the fact that he’s so keen to give you exactly what you’ve been craving. The scent of his cologne mixed with the musky smell of him fills your senses, making you weak for him even more.

His tongue explores your mouth, tangled together in a heated dance as your bodies grind against each other, arousal growing with each passing moment. 

His hands roam freely over your body, stopping at your hips to pull you in even closer has you gasping into his mouth.  

“Fuck— Dave!”

“Yeah— that feel good, Baby?” Dave’s hard almost instantly, pressing against you as you slowly grind on him. You're scorching from the friction of your bodies, the coil already winding in your lower abdomen, shivers tingling up your spine.

“Yes!! Oh god, yes!! So good, Dave!” You cry out. The heat between you unbearable, the need for release is all consuming—- more more more. 

Dave’s lips fuse to yours again, dragging one hand down between your bodies. He slips under the waistband of your leggings, deft fingers finding the damp fabric of your panties, a sticky mess because of him. He’s enlivened by the way your body writhes as a result of his touch. Fingers circling over your clit in a deliberate frenzied manner, causing you to release a breathy moan into his mouth.

“You think you can come right here? I’m not gonna last much longer.” He says breaking the kiss. His eyes are filled with a burning desire as he looks at you. You nod, encouraging him to continue his ministrations, before he’s capturing your lips again. 

You whine at the loss of his fingers moving over your aching bundle of nerves, your body in dire need of his touch now that he’s giving you all of it. 

Dave’s hands slip under your top, fingers trailing over your pebbled skin as he pulls it up and over your head. You help him, tossing it aside, leaving you in only your lace bra and bottoms as you lean back against the coolness of the wall, chest heaving with need.

“More— pl-please, I’m almost there. ohfuckyesyesyes!.” His hands explore your body, memorizing every curve and dip with a new surge of want and urgency, his fingers trailing down your back to grip your ass and pulling you closer— sparks of pleasure blazing through you nearing a fiery release. 

‘I know baby, I’ve got you’ murmured against your neck, his words riddled with assurance as he sucks on the sensitive skin there. 

Your hands grip his shoulders as he continues to explore you with his mouth, caressing every inch of you as he makes his way down to your chest, pulling the fabric of your bra down, his fingers gliding over the tight skin. He cups the weight of your breast in his hand, taking one of your hardened nipples into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, teeth gently nipping as you moan louder and louder, while his other hand fondles and twists at your other side. 

“Oh fuck! Baby, I’m gonna come—“ You gasp, arching your back, your nails digging into Dave’s shoulders has him clamping down harder on your overly sensitive nipple. The pleasing painful sting shoots straight to your core, your velvet walls pulsating, your climax within reach.

A pleasurable ache builds for the second time this morning, except this time it’s because of Dave. All your pent up emotions forging together, building into the most magnificent wave of arousal you’ve felt in a long time. 

You pull his face up to meet yours, lips messily crashing against his in another bliss driven kiss. His hard cock straining behind the tightness of his jeans, tilting your cunt at the perfect angle while hoping Dave is reaping the benefits of your euphoric pursuit as you grind down on the rough seam of his denim that helps careen you over the edge. 

It’s like a dream— except it's not, it’s better. Real and satiating. Your orgasm is forceful as it rips through you, taking every bit of residual tension along with it. 

Dave’s movements become faster and more charged. His hips moving in a stuttering pattern— fuckfuckfuck —then stilling as a deep groan barrels through his chest. You wrap a leg around him as he collapses into you, his face nestled in the crook of your neck, holding him tightly to your body. 

A breeze blows through the open balcony door, diffusing the layer of sexual haze wafting through the room. The air is welcoming, enveloping your bodies in the crispness that comes with being in close proximity to the Pacific. 

It feels lighter. Less suffocating— even with the weight of your husband holding you against the wall. The low lying fog no longer a dense cloud looming over you, allowing the brightness to fully shine through. 

The turbulent thoughts have settled, replaced with a mildness that seems more manageable for the time being. Your headache becomes a subsiding dullness, overpowered by the replenishment of a compelling desire. 

“Shit— I came in my fucking pants like a goddamn teenager. Couldn’t even make it to the bed.” He says, post sexual vibrato etched into his voice, pressing a soft kiss to your collarbone as he lifts himself up to his full height. 

Dave’s skin is glowing, a sheen of sweat glistening in the morning light. His cheeks flushed with a tinge of pink, the muscles in his neck flexing as he worked to control his breathing. The silkiness of his shirt now damp and stuck to his chest. 

“Hmm. I feel too good to even care. You have no idea how bad I needed that.” You smile at him, drawing your bottom lip between your teeth, brushing a few fallen strands of hair away from his face. 

The corner of his eyes crinkle. He’s beaming, infatuated with you as he leans in, resting his forehead on yours and whispers, “Do you have any idea how much I love you?.” 

“Love you too, Dave.”

[calware]

would you ever share a list of your fave fics to reread ? Id love to hear your recommendations and faves

sure thing :) i'm only going to list works that have been going on for a while (or at least have gotten past the very beginning of the story) and that i've read all the way through. i'm also not going to list any of the super iconic fics i like because this list is already pretty long. these are all based on stuff that i personally find more interesting to read about, mostly focused on the human characters and not a lot of romance

i don't really know if these first two count but they're too good to not include:

Jade Route by spicyyeti

a post-epilogues comic centering around jade, this is my favorite homestuck fanwork. i especially love the artwork and the way it frames the story. it is reaaallllly hard to read it on a phone so make sure to read it on a computer or tablet

House of Dirk by imarriedacherub no rating - graphic depictions of violence - 13,570 words - 20 chapters (unfinished) A sitcom about completely normal and well-adjusted newlyweds Dirk and Caliborn attempting to make a good impression on their son, Dave, and his boyfriend, Karkat.

another comic, this one hosted on both ao3 and mspfa (though the ao3 version has more pages). i like how ridiculous it is. will probably never be finished, sadly

moving on to the actual fics:

Reallocated by breezefulskies mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 324,756 words - 65 chapters (unfinished) Hal finds himself stranded aboard a certain meteor, impact-bound for Houston, Texas circa 1995. And everything spirals out from there. Because sometimes, when a system seems to be just short of defunct, all that is required is to take a step back and reevaluate the materials at hand and redistribute your available resources. And so, with birth comes a countdown on a cycle that begins as it ends: In the red.

hal is mysteriously sent to earth via unknown means and finds himself raising a baby as best as he can, which, given that he's glasses, is not easy. this is my favorite homestuck fic, not just because it's about hal, but also because i love the focus on family dynamics and the plot as it unfolds. begging everyone to read this, i can't say what happens exactly without spoiling things, it's just really really good. at the moment, it updates once a month

Ersatz Abyss by katreal mature - no archive warnings apply - 120,092 words - 39 chapters (unfinished) You look into the mirror to find your own face looking back at you. You laugh. And then you cry. Last, you try and figure out how you got to this moment. The Auto-Responder had long since resigned himself to an artificial existence, his only dwindling hope for escape hinging on a promise that has yet to be fulfilled. Then one day he wakes up, Dirk nowhere to be found. What's the point in getting what you want, if you can't show off a little?

another great hal fic. i managed to get my roommate (who has not read homestuck) to read this and they really enjoyed it, so i'm sure you all won't have any problems liking this one either. there are a lot of fics out there of hal getting a body, but this one is very different in that it's not the happy ending that you might first think it is. this fic perfects the feeling of everything snowballing into a bigger and bigger problem until it all falls apart

Falling for the First Time by nobrandhero teen - no warnings apply - 63,818 words - 11/17 chapters The game is over, Alpha Earth resets to 2009, and Dirk's bro doesn't live up to expectations. The movie director who appears so chill and stoic in interviews is actually a talkative, needy dweeb like his teenage counterpart. It's not a bad thing, as far as Dirk's concerned.

for whatever reason, i'm a sucker for fics where the characters somehow end up on earth again post-game, and out of all the fics that follow that concept this one is my favorite. sadly, this one barely touches on jane and jake, but it's pretty interesting to read about what dirk and roxy are getting up to with their guardians (and the earth) restored to their previous conditions

The Haunted Harley House by hemoanarchists teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 78,462 words - 23 chapters (finished) There is an old house you built a long long time ago, alongside someone very close to you. Now as you don a new name, slipping back into society to care for a descendant, to whom tragedy has left you as her only family left, you take her to the house, the house that bears your family name. You really shouldn't have been surprised when he came to join you. It is his house too, after all.

carlah, a young girl who lives on earth c, has just been taken in by her uncle "jacob harley" after her mother's death. as time goes on, she slowly learns more about the true nature of her new guardians and the house they all live in. normally i'm not that interested in OCs but i love how intriguing carlah is as an outsider of the story. it's really easy to get invested in her as she uncovers a mystery we all know from the beginning and another that we have to learn along with her. shoutout to dysfunctional family dynamics

actually, while i'm at it, i'm going to recommend a bunch of other stuff he's written:

Atlantis Bound teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 33,263 words - 8 chapters (unfinished) Dirk tracks down an old friend

prequel to the haunted harley house but can also be read after (or separately). i really like the dynamic between dirk and vriska here, and i also love the way vriska's repeated reincarnation is utilized. vriska's journey through the newest iteration of her life while dirk watches over her is soooo captivating, especially when snippets of her previous lives are sprinkled in throughout. do you guys love cycles? personally i love cycles

Cherubian mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 54,011 words - 29 chapters (unfinished) The 5000 year time skip never happened, at the dawn of time the gods desperately try to guide the planet into a better future. But with tensions rising it feels like one bad day could bring everything crumbling down.

all of dante's earth-c god fics as a whole changed my brain chemistry and this acts as the beginning (and catalyst) of that overarching story. a lot happens in a very short amount of time

Transitional teen - no warnings apply - 1,860 words - oneshot a simple question what changed when you went godtier?

super simple but also an interesting exploration of the headcanon that players' bodies change when they go godtier. the twist is that each "change" is unique to each character and relates to their Self in some way

Monster under the bed teen - chose not to use archive warnings - 2,573 words - oneshot Skeletons in the Closet mature - chose not to use archive warnings - 2,910 words - oneshot Small Talk teen - no warnings apply - 8,944 words - 6 chapters (unfinished)

putting all three of these together because i believe(?) they're all part of the same narrative

[davertmanfriend]

So uh... I've been thinking about homestuck. And it's characters in general. And trolls in general. And I thought "who had it the worst?" And it's obviously karkat and Feferi.

I think of them because if sgrub or sburb never happened, they both would've died when they became adults. Karkat is a mutant blood, a troll who wouldn't make it far, and I feel he can't hide from troll kind for forever.

Feferi, she's a fuchsia blood, meaning she has to do a death battle with the condesce, aka the fish Hitler who has always won every fight before Feferi. The odds of winning that fight are very low.

So wow, we have two very sad rare blooded trolls who will die when they are eventually adults. And I thought, "How could I fix this?"

And I give my idea of an au, which i think is totally original, but if it isn't, well great minds think alike.

(No clue what to call the au)

Basically I imagined taking karkat and Feferi to earth to live. But where and who to live with?

First karkat

That's right, karkat Egbert is real. I do this because I feel it wouldn't change karkat much, but also dad ebert would love his alien child, along with John. And John? John would love a brother, no matter the species.

Now Feferi....

Feferi Harley! Not much of a surprise, really. If John gets a brother, Jade gets a sister, right? I think this could work only if Grandpa Harley would be like, "Oh cool, and alien grub with my baby. Well, it's as docile as a fossil, so why not adopt it? Worst case scenario, i get a cool thing to taxidermy."

I feel like jade and Feferi could frolic freely and happily in the fields of their island, watched over by bec.

But hey, why stop here? Why not a troll sibling for every beta child?...

Rose lalonde gets!...

Nepeta lalonde! I did this because... well, they are a cat family, the lalondes. Don't tell me that roses mother would look at a cat like grub looking thing and say "ha lol that baby has a grubby cat near it. Lol their both mine now."

I also added nepeta to the lalondes because... in pesterquest, it's said her hive burnt down, and now lives in a cave, that's a sad enough reason to put her in care of the lalondes.

But then there's Dave! Who could match his skills, and keep of with bro? Who would be chill enough to grow up in Texas with an insane man and a puppet? Who is has terrible parents and is strong?

VRISKA STRIDER!

Honestly I think it could work. Dave is a cool dude, enough to be chill with vriska at times, but has enough spine to tell her off and keep her in line, both are strong enough to fend off bro, or at least not be utterly killed by him.

Plus if bro saw vriska, he'd be like "ah shit, that fucking grub thing is next to my bro... eh it seems chill, and like a winner. Dave bro could learn a slight thing from it, but the grubs to smug. Better teach it as well."

I chose vriska because her mom sucks, that spider can burn in hell. So I traded it for an insane man in Texas!

I think it did swell with this idea, ans i had to get utterly down because I thought it was fun.

[weirdmageddon]

some thoughts on dave lalonde

so note this isn’t a kidswap au, just a strilonde guardian swap au; a plausible au wherein dave’s meteor(s) are set to land in upstate new york and rose’s in houston tx where they are discovered by mom lalonde and bro strider respectively. so it’s not even really an “alternative universe” so much as “alternative circumstance” because that’s literally all that changes

their interests aren’t swapped; their interests are a natural result of a mix of what they were always predisposed towards (we can look at their post-scratch versions for constants) combined with their living environment. rose strider is still gothy and writes, knits, and has an interest in the zoologically dubious. perhaps rose might handcraft some delirious puppets for her brother-slash-ectofather’s enterprise as a “gift” in one-upmanship. probably has good rapport with the crows that fly into her ironic knockoff disney-princess themed bedroom (see the post i linked above) and get them to fuck with bro passively in exchange for peanuts. she also keeps all the things the crows gift her, pickpocketed shiny things and whatnot

dave lalonde is still the knight of time, still makes sbahj, likes photography, still loves cooking up unbelievably ill jams, still into post-ironic expression, however he’s not irony-poisoned by bro so he’s more comfortable being genuine. his interest in dead things and paleontology comes more to a forefront because of mom’s predilection towards science and genuine encouragement from her. after all she’s made many a mutant kitten herself

i feel like since dave fell to earth with maplehoof, crushing the pony instantly on impact, instead of using its hide to make a bib like a fucking weirdo, mom would paradox clone maplehoof. so dave has a pet pony with a ribbon and little pink heart on it. a knight needs a loyal steed. and hes been attached to maplehoof since his literal first few minutes of existing. so maplehoof wouldnt be bought anywhere, it would originate from itself

i mean he’s seen with the pony at his side in the post-scratch universe so…..

would make sense if the pony mom gifted to rose in canon was more of an involved thing with dave in this circumstance

the only issue is maplehoof cant become his sprite, otherwise that would break the timeloop (they need to come unaltered to earth with dave on the meteor in the first place during the reckoning). also [S] Ride with dave and the scarf would absolutely be a thing at some point

i was thinking maybe instead of a crow, since they aren’t as “everywhere” in upstate new york as they are in that high rise in texas, dave has something more prehistoric put into a sprite. like a parave theropod. can you imagine parave davesprite. maybe an archaeopteryx or something

i guess mom would indulge in a living museum/zoo for “domesticated” ancient organisms all jurassic parked like a weird ongoing experiment but the ectobiology wouldnt be perfect especially because the dna wouldnt be able to be fully read from fossils and specimens. i feel like jurassic park should be dave lalonde’s sort of in-universe media reference the way con air was with john and putting the bunny back in the box. like his friends would just rip on him for living out jurassic park in an imperfect domestic way

and he accidentally kills it through some fetch modus shenanigans. dave still has the bladekind strife specibus but not because he does rooftop battles but because swords are unironically cool, and flings it out the window by accident and it strikes one of the parave theropods in the enclosed zoo below outside his window and dave feels kinda bad

when jade sees it as his server player shes like “oh nooooo :(“ and dave is like “oh god no dont put that in the seizure kernel while i take a piss in one of the many fancy bathrooms this household has”

[brogatory]

Dear Mr Strider ,

Im very sorry to hear of your [nessasary] yet unfortunate death! And im sorry your struggling to adjust to the afterlife. Ive heard dream bubbles can be tricky, especially for the uninitiated.

If you happen to be taking questions, I have a few. Only if your up for them of course. I understand death is stressful.

I was wondering if you ever reached any aspects of the game while you were alive? The medium, your own potential powers? Or if you ever felt any special connection to time, like your Beta counterpart.

Speaking of which, have you ever met any other daves?

Also, this may be presumptuous of me, but maybe try speaking to Beta!Dirk about my little pony? I remember it was something Alpha!Dirk enjoyed. Hopefully you could forge mild tolerance of eachother with this?

Anyway I apologize for speaking so long, curiosity tends to get the better of me!

Best wishes,

ChthonianConversationalist

Damn lemme try my best to answer these

[You should read the tags.]

Dear Mr Strider , Im very sorry to hear of your [nessasary] yet unfortunate death! And im sorry your struggling to adjust to the afterlife. Ive heard dream bubbles can be tricky, especially for the uninitiated. If you happen to be taking questions, I have a few. Only if your up for them of course. I understand death is stressful.

Oh god youre adorable

I dont know what dreambubbles are but thanks; death has been... okay so far. I actually really appreciate yalls questions; gives me somethin to fuckin do round here even if youre all nosy lil bird bastards

I was wondering if you ever reached any aspects of the game while you were alive? The medium, your own potential powers? Or if you ever felt any special connection to time, like your Beta counterpart. Speaking of which, have you ever met any other daves?

Ive never met another dave nah. Unfortunately (Lord knows id dote on the lil guy)

As for... powers... Idk much about the medium

I know mostly what Ro could tell me

Growing up I always knew the exact time, i guess; Down to the second, yknow? Pissed my foster families off something fierce; could never fuckin answer "What time is it?" or "How long?" without being a smartass about it. Literally could not help it.

And...

Well...

[You see him pause.]

I guess i can talk about it... It's hella long though

I used to be able to rewind time. Not very far. When i was little i could only go a few minutes

But i got better at it once i realized what i could do cause i started trying

I could go back a day by 18. Or two, if i tried hard enough (and was fine with bleeding for a while from wherever the universe decided i should bleed from)

But...

I lived to be 37

For a lot of those years i held a lot of bottled up shit close to my heart n that translated to using my powers irresponsibly for even the smallest shit

Theres a reason i think this is a punishment

I don't like talking about it

...

Anyway

Rose actually found me that way; me reversin time all the time gave her wicked headaches from all the way on the east coast, so she meandered her rich goth ass over to Texas

Unfortunately it didnt stop me from usin my powers; she just got used to it, cause bein close to me made it less painful for her

Coincidentally every time she got a vision Id go fuckin blind and it lessened when she was nearby (Actually straight up ruined my vision; My shades are prescription lenses put into the Stiller Frames)

Kinda like when you get up too fast yk

I also get feelings when things happen in other timelines that feel important; Think thats the role of "Guardian" in me plus the time shit; Like i felt that big ol green bastard start existing, felt the fuckin Green Sun start existing

But lemme tell you feelin The Scratch happen was wild cause it already happened to make my dumb ass exist

But it was currently happening and also has not happened yet right now

Makes my head hurt thinkin about it

Also, this may be presumptuous of me, but maybe try speaking to Beta!Dirk about my little pony? I remember it was something Alpha!Dirk enjoyed. Hopefully you could forge mild tolerance of eachother with this?

[=>]

[slashingdisneypasta]

Horror House Reacts... to Zoo Animals!

.I've been watching Robert Irwin and Dave Salmoni take wild animals onto the Jimmy Shows and scare the Jimmy's and various other guest stars sOooooo... I had to make this XD

Plot: We are gonna hand each horror Villains a dangerous animal and see how they handle it. Warnings: Swearing. No actual mention of meerkats despite the gif.

Audrey II: A European Brown Hare.

Audrey II, staring at this hare stood up on its hind legs giving them the Eye: ... that is one ugly bunny rabbit. Y/N: AUDREY TWO!!- Audrey II: wh- AM I WRONG?-

Audrey II has no fear, they're a plant from outer space. He also doesn't particularly care for animals though, since its pretty globally accepted that animals are allowed to eat plants when they're peckish... and understandably, they are not having that. Not in this green house XD Nu uh, no siree, nope nope nope, the hare is gonna get eaten first if he even looks at Audrey II wrong.

Billy Loomis: An Emperor Scorpion.

Y/N: Close your eyes and put out your hands. Billy: ... *sigh* *does as he's told as to not be called a coward* Y/N: *Places the scorpion in Billy's cupped hands* Open them! ^^ This is Phil, he's very chill. Please don't drop him. Billy: ... heheh, can I keep this?? Y/N: ?? What??? No, you cant keep Phil- Billy: I wanna leave him in Stu's bed. Y/N: DEFINITELY not-

Billy, is... *sigh*, a teenage boy.

Bubba Sawyer: A Red Kangaroo.

Bubba: *Very cautious, looking at this jacked foreign creature. He's never seen anything like this, he lives in buttfuck nowhere Texas with no tv.* Y/N: Here, Bubba. *hands Bubba a bouquet of gum leaves* Offer her these. Bubba: *Unsure, but approaches the weird pocketed creature and offers out the branches... Quickly calms down when the kangaroo starts simply munching on the leaves* Y/N: See? ^^ Bubba: *Already petting the kangaroo. Wants to take her home and keep her safe and pet her and give her leaves forever.*

Bubba does not love casually 😅😅😅 Once he's warmed up to someone, that person is his family and he wants to keep them safe. My suggestion?? Sneak the kangaroo back to the zoo in the dead of night while Bubba's asleep. (or call Drayton. He certainly don't want no goddamn kangaroo in his house)

Carrie White: A Boa Constrictor.

Carrie: Um, is this safe?? *Eyeing the snake's head closely as you place her gently over her shoulders* ... Y/N: Oh yeah, don't worry, this one's a sweetheart ^^ Carrie: Okay... *snake raises her head and looks around very peacefully, just surveying the room* Oh, she's sweet!... Y/N: She seems very comfortable with you! Carrie: ! Really??

Carrie was apprehensive at first, but when she realises that the boa is not feeling threatened (or hungry), she relaxes and spends quite a while with the snake in her arms! ^^ She's disappointed when she has to say goodbye ):

Chucky Lee Ray: An Eastern Canadian Moose.

Chucky: *staring up at this giant fucking creature, clearly ready to run at any second if the thing makes an unpleasant move* ... You have gotta be fucken kidding me. Y/N: Nope. This is Jessica-Mae! She's from Canada, and she's really nice. I think she'll let you sit on her back, if you wan- Chucky: No I don't wanna sit on Jessica-Mae's back actually Y/N, Jessica-Mae is a fucken monster- Y/N: c h u c k y

Chucky has a... healthy cautiousness when it comes to wild animals XD He does like tarantulas, though.

Freddy Krueger: A West African Lion.

Y/N: Okay so for this one, um, I'm uh... yeah I'm gonna step out. Freddy: ... wait. Wait wait wait. Why are you- *You close the door one side of the room and as soon as the lock clicks into place, the lion prowls in on the other side* Freddy: Oh. Freddy, hands out like 'i mean no harm': ... nice kitty Freddy: ... um. I saw the lion king. It was... a great piece of cinema; your people should be proud. Freddy: ... please don't eat me, you giant son of a bitch.

Freddy was SO EXCITED to meet an animal, but now he's got some concerns about those teeth and his privates.

Jason Voorhees: A Ussuri Grizzly Bear.

Bear: ... *Staring down Jason* Jason: ... *Staring down Bear* Bear and Jason: *Staring each other down* Y/N: ... *Wondering if you should do something* Jason: *Suddenly walks over and gives the bear neck scritches*

... this is a giant toothy puppy to Jason XD Jason loves wildlife, they were his friends growing up in the woods! ^^ And he knows how to keep them calm, so he's very good with them. He hangs out with the bear until its time to go outside, then Jason follows him outside and hangs with him out there ^^

Jennifer Check: A White Rhinoceros.

Jennifer, as soon as Grizelda the rhino steps in: -oh jesus fucking christ. Jennifer: You're fat. Y/N: Oy! Jennifer: What??? She's meant to be, right?? 🙄 G o d... look who's animal-cist. Jennifer: ... can I feed the fat bitch?

The fact that this is an animal does not change a thing about the way Jennifer talks to her XD She is so fascinated, though, and wants to feed Grizelda, pet Grizelda, ask many many questions about Grizelda... she loves her.

Jerry Dandridge: A Perentie Monitor Lizard (Goanna).

Y/N, helping goanna onto Jerry's lap: Now, be careful with Sandy, he can be kinda easily startled and then his claws will cut into your skin, and- Jerry: *Getting along great with the Sandy, Sandy is in the best mood you have ever seen him in; purring.* Y/N: ... Y/N: ... wtf, how?! Sandy's usually so grumpy!- Jerry: Oh I guess we just have a connection~

Jerry and reptiles get along great, they're cold blooded and he... is always cold. He has no blood. He's a vampire XD Try giving him a puppy, though, and watch that puppy leap away from him and growl like a possessed thing (Jerry gets so frowny about it XD).

Michael Myers: A Bengal Tiger.

Michael: *Stock still, actually considering running for the first time in 50 decades* Tiger: ... *yawns* *prowls over to Michael and lays on top of his feet, promptly falling asleep* Y/N: ... um. Well, I think she likes you?? Michael: *Does not move an inch for 3 hours while the tiger naps, staring at it*

Michael, just like cats... is a bitch. They basically adopt him into their family as their big dumb weirdo child (Yes, even the big terrifying ones) and there is not a thing grumpy old Myers can do about it XD

Pamela Voorhees: A Silver Fox.

Pam: *Loves the fox. Sitting in her chair and leaning down to give it treats. Cooing at her.* Y/N: You're so good with her! ^^ Pam: ~Stay away from my son, dear, and I wont have to sick her on you~ Y/N: ... D: What?

Pamela and a sharp toothed creature is a dangerous combination. Stay away from her son.

Patrick Bateman: An African Savanna Elephant.

Patrick: *A too-big smile glued to his face as he strokes the dirty wrinkly elephant* This is... this is fun... Y/N: I knew you'd like her! ^^ Anna is so sweet, and gentle, and quiet, so- Patrick: -You cant tell when I'm fucken lying through my t e e t h!?

Patrick doesn't like any animals, they're wild and filthy and break irreplaceable things he spent hard-earned money on to be unique, but he will force a pleasant face because that is what he does

Pennywise: A Mountain Zebra.

*i was tempted to do a turtle but... seemed too obvious XD Still unsure i made the right call*

Penny: Heheheheh, whats black, white and- Y/N: Don't do it. I swear. Dont do it. Penny: Okay okay okay, I'll be serious. Hey, why do zebras have stripes? Y/N: Oh, well they developed stripes because- Penny: Because they didn't want to be Spotted!

Penny c a n n o t s t o p m a k i n g z e b r a j o k e s. Otherwise, he's pretty good with the zebra. No problems ^^

Stu Macher: A Somali Ostrich.

Stu: Heheh... Y/N, these things don't bite, do they?? Y/N: Oh they totally do. *Hands Stu the leash* Anything with a mouth bites. Stu, levelling his gaze with the giant flightless bird: ... I will bite you back.

Stu is a little chicken, but he's also really curious!! XDD So sure, he'll hang onto the leash and feed the monster bird!! But he will absolutely crouch down and cover his head if the ostrich starts fluttering his wings. And don't you dare leave him XD

Tiffany Valentine: Baby Nile Crocodiles.

Tiff: Chucky!! We have new children now!! Chucky: THE FUCK WE DO- Y/N: N- no... you cant keep them actually... Tiff, ignoring you and Chucky: The kids are gonna love these ^^ Come on, sweethearts, into the sack, single file now- hey, Trudy, no biting your brother-

Tiffany is in love XD And you know how one-track-minded she can be when she's in love XD

[bottlehawk]

dirkjake betaverse divorced au strider family lore

sooo in this au roxy and dirk were both orphans who went through the foster system. roxy eventually got adopted by an okay family and got some support but dirk ended up being shuttled through a lot of different foster homes. they went to the same public high school and hooked up once and ended up accidentally having !!twins!! together really young. roxy decided to take dave and rose in at his parents' place while dirk applied for several scholarships so she could go to college early to get a bachelor's. for some reason they thought it would be a good idea if they raised their kids as younger siblings of roxy's. instead of. as their actual parents. which was a stupid idea in hindsight. so for like the first thirteen years of dave and rose's life dirk was like. a family friend that visited every once in a while who dave thought was super cool and rose thought was mildly disturbed. eventually they both found out the truth. and now dave gets to go visit dirk's flat in texas every summer while rose gets to use infinite guilt-trip material to get him to go to family therapy meetings together. also immediately after the reveal roxy and dirk also transitioned in the same year and rose came out as a lesbian and dirk came out as gay and is now dating some guy he met on the internet and also rose and dirk both found out they are autistic at their therapy meetings and dave is trying to be very very very very supportive of everyone while suppressing his homo-lust for a$ap rocky because if he comes out as bisexual that means that his entire family will then include every single letter in LGBT and if that happens he's going to have an actual implosion.

[avastrasposts]

A Baker's Dozen - The Poll...

So, all twelve Pedro boys have visited the bakery and I'm so awestruck by the love you all have given these fluffy little stories (and the recipes!). Thank you all!

But, as some of you have pointed out, a baker's dozen is thirteen so obviously I would never leave it at twelve!

So here's the deal, vote for your favourite Pedro boy's visit and who you'd like to see return to the bakery. I'll leave this poll up for a week and then I'll take a week (or two) and write a follow up for whichever visitor wins the poll.

Here's the series master list if you want to refresh your memory.

[exsqueezememacaroni]

ANSWERS ANSWERS ANSWERS

Preface: Mike's answers were received as an audio recording and I've transcribed them here to the best of my abilities - he reads the questions out loud, which i don't include. He's jovial and snarky AF in his answers, which might fall a little flat in text. "Source's" followup answers were in text and copy-pasted, they're a lot more sincere. I've decided to post all answers in full...you might be surprised by them and you can take them how you like, but don't shoot the delivery person (me) or the messenger (the Source).

Ok, here they are: question, Mike's answer, Source's answer [my commentary]

whens the mexico tour mike? do you hate mexicans mike?

(joking on that last one ofc xd)

There are a lot of tours happening. You're gonna have to be more specific. A better question is: when will my tacos be ready?

I'll expand on this one. He is very close to signing off on a small tour with one of his bands. He is also trying very hard to find a way to reschedule the one he had to cancel, but the logistics is making it hard. He is trying to keep his touring to 3 weeks out max and 2 months home. Which is hard to do with his bigger band.

do you still have toodles the baby doll, the one you had in 92'-93'? do have any other antique items similar to toodles? if so, what are your favorites?

Wait, we need a visual for this story, hold on [Mike and the Source giggle, I don't know what happens here edit: this probably when the toodles/hippo/pig video was recorded]...let's see, what's next...mmm...yeah....nope...pass

He has a few antique items. Like a shrunken skull and a medical amputation kit from the 1700s.

roddy, somewhat recently like a few months ago, in an instagram live did a qna and someone asked him what he thought about trey and he told a story about him having a ball of straight boogers that he collected his boogers in and i just wanna ask if that is true or not because that is a insane story if it actually did happen

....booger ball? HAHA ok...hmmm? Well where do you put your boogers in huh??? Do you eat them? put 'em in your stomach? [Source: "eww"] That ball sounds pretty good about now, right?hahahahh

Mike knows nothing about this. It doesn't sound to me like something Trey would do now. Who knows what he did when he was younger though.

What does Mike think about his fans?

What do i think about my fans....well...if I'm being honest? I question their mental health...HAHA...sorry...I didn't mean to! [Source: "MIKE!"] I kid, I kid....I'm very grateful...to all ten of them....[chuckle]

He is truly grateful for them. Some also scare him a little.

What was the best prank Mike pulled on tour??

....I would ask Crain or Pearson... [Source has a big laugh]

With Dead Cross. He had arranged for the police to pull over their van while touring in Texas. The officer was a fan and Mike had him "plant" drugs and a gun in the car. Dave knew what was happening but Justin and Mike were freaking out. They were handcuffed and laying in the dirt when they found out it was all a joke.

Who has a nicer butt? Mike or Trevor?

Again, you're gonna have to elaborate on that one....I mean, which Mike? I can't POSSIBLY be expected to answer the question without knowing...hahaha

Mike gets my vote. He has a great butt.

Is there a lyric to a song Mike wrote that was so unhinged that he thought it was better to keep to himself?

Ya, the answer is nope.

So many choices, but he doesn't do regrets. I will tell you that the bullshit he spins about his Faith No More lyrics being random and impersonal, is just that. Bullshit. A good number of those lyrics are highly personal. Furthermore, quite a few of these songs when woven together tell a very personal story. You will NEVER get him to admit this though.

What is Mike's sexual orientation?

Hehe - you wanna take that one [source]? [Source: eehhhuuummmmmmmmm....no...no I'm good]

I feel like if I answer this, there will be a lot of disappointed people. I'll just say he had a wife, he has a girlfriend. You do the math.

Were Mike and Trevor ever a thing?

Sure....in his fucking wet dreams....hahahahah

Yes, they were and are “friends” Seriously though, not that I am aware of, and I've known them both since 1989.

Did mike get a BJ from that groupie he talked about in the making of Angel Dust? Or was it all made up just to troll?

[Mike skips over this one]

I'll answer this one. That was a true story. All of it, including the fact that he did NOT take her up on her offer of giving him a BJ. *He would like to add that he often wonders if that was a mistake and he missed out on some "really good head." He is kidding, of course. When he said he doesn't like groupies, he was being sincere. It gives him the "ick”

since it's time to ask anything: how big is Mike's dick?

Shamefully small....you're like Dora the Explorer on the hunt for it. [Source laughs]

I have ZERO complaints [you might guess the Source's relationship to Mike here]

first and foremost, is mike doing ok? i mean, both mentally and physically.. i just hope he got over all the things that were troubling him and is in a good state right now😭

Wow, ya....um....that's really kind [he truly sounds taken aback by the question] I am doing well. And...um.... I thank you for the support, it's appreciated. Truly, I mean that....ok....I'm done....you do the rest, [source]. [recording ends]

He is doing well. He is taking the advice of his care team and limiting his work. Enjoying life. Moving forward you will find his tours are broken into multi-week sessions followed by some downtime, and projects will be less frequent, but hopefully more satisfying.

is mike currently working on some new music/projects/plans to revive some of the old ones? some upcoming collaborations maybe?

Yes. However he told me I could only give you a very basic answer. He is working on something new, but his priority and focus is on fulfilling the tours he had to postpone or cancel over the past few years. Starting with his “slutty” group. [the slutty group is Tomahawk ;) ]

now for the more personal ones… [the previous two and the next two questions were all from the same anon]

those weren't personal?😂oh boy!

Yeah he isn't going to answer these. But I will try.

what is mike's current relationship with trevor? are they on good terms? do they talk/spend time together still? i think we can all agree that there is kind of an elephant in the room right now regarding their recent interactions (i'm very much looking at you trev)

Things are probably the best they've been since high school. They do live on different coasts and both tend to keep busy, so they don't have time to really "hang" out, but that hasn't really been something that they do since high school. They see each other enough over work and yes, they really do enjoy working together. Especially now that they have both matured some.

is mike still… married?? i need to hear the most elaborate answer for this one because his marriage in particular is a real twilight zone haha

Bless you for asking this! Personally, this subject irks me a bit. So I am glad someone asked, as I would love to set the record straight. Yes, he is still technically married, but only for legal reasons. I cannot give you more details as it would violate someones privacy. However; he and Cristina are not together. He likes to be vague about this, as it

is somewhat of a security blanket for him. Now that he has gone public about his demons, you can probably understand why he likes to keep people at an arms length distance. Especially women. Yes they separated and then reconciled. It didn't work out. Having a significant other that is never around can lead to loneliness and other issues, and they just couldn't make it work. Even so, they still remain friends and live a few blocks away from each other. Romantically, that relationship is dead AF. That does not mean that he is "available" though. He isn't. I promise you he is happy. At least he says he is. He is the love of my life.

[I asked about my gifts for Mike from the Southern US Bungle tour, they DID end up on the bus, the anal hook got passed around and somehow ended up with Dave?!??! Mutherfuckr....anyways, I gave the Source the link to where I got it in case she wanted to get another one for Mike. And as for the socks...]

That was very kind of you and he definitely appreciates the thought and creativity put into these gifts. I have definitely seen the socks with blood dripping. I'll look for the ones with the skull. He did mention to me that he's loves all the socks that fans have given

him. So I am sure he has them. As for the anal hook. Thank you for the link. I'm not sure that man needs any more "gadgets" if you catch my drift.

[I apologized for the "is he still married' question...you all know how I feel about that topic...]

It's okay. Like I said, I honestly don't mind answering that one at all.

I don't mind answering any of these. Look, I think he is hot too. I would be a total hypocrite if I didn't understand the fascination. Which is why I encouraged him to answer these. Plus he is so damn guarded. It's good for him to open up. Baby steps. Answering a few questions won't hurt him or change his life.

What turns him on about a woman or man?

I did try to get him to answer this question seriously… I tried. Instead he started describing me. Except for the end when he added and "Big sweaty hairy balls." Obviously I can't answer this for him, but I can tell you what he has told me what he likes about me… at least the PG version. He always tells me his favorite thing about me is my

kindness and big heart and that I accept him unconditionally. I know, probably not what you were expecting. He also tends to be attracted to women who are creative and successful. That is my own observation from the women he has dated. He also loves dark haired and dark eyed women, with a wicked sense or humor. He is also definitely an "ass" man. As for men, I have never heard him honestly mention being attracted to one, other than when he was joking around.

[to me, and I decided to include...] I know you all like to fantasize that he has gay tendencies. So if you prefer to keep this answer quiet I completely understand. But I can assure you, he is not keeping his gay side closeted or anything. We are very open minded as a couple and believe me, if he wanted to experiment. He could have.

What's his favourite fragrance?

Currently it's Burberry Touch. He also likes Montblanc Legend.

[I interject: *me again - actually there's a lot of chat around what fragrance mike wears….people really like

it….if he wants to share the internet would be forever grateful]

I understand. He smells amazing. Scents are a big thing with him.

Is Mike really into the BDSM community or is it all stage acting?

I did say we are a very open minded couple. Plus the man is an Aquarius.

That's that on that, folks. There were a couple of questions that have come in since these, I haven't sent them in yet, hoping to get a few more in so I can send a block of 'em. The Source says we're still welcome to ask, but she can't promise anything more from Mike. I personally want you all to know the interactions I've had with the Source have all been very sweet. It really does sound like she wants Mike to start be more comfortable out there in the world again, and so I want you all to love and support them both with all your bits.

FIN

[homestuckreplay]

check out my 13-monitor gaming setup

(page 872-876)

Bad news. Everyone’s IP address and physical location are being tracked by an all powerful/evil gaming corporation who are using it to send meteors down to our houses for the crime of gaming. There’s a lot to be said about the capacity for surveillance that all the Skaian technology has, and the ways these kids have been monitored without even knowing it. There are SO MANY meteors on this screen, meaning a LOT of people are playing this game. But there are more meteors than games, suggesting that Sburb was built around the pre-existing meteors – presumably so some people could be saved from this apocalypse, I don’t think it is so kind as wanting everyone to have a great final day on Earth.

The physical setup of the lab terminal is similar to those in WV’s bunker – industrial pipes feeding soulless gray screens where every pixel is visible – but Rose’s has a lot more screens, some just displaying spirographs. Comparing page 874 with 733, both stations feature coordinates, both have the same transparent projection of the world map on the left, and both have similar diagrams on the right of small orbs radiating from a central orb. I theorized this as the Skaian cosmology as WV’s screen features four surrounding orbs, like the four planets they drew on the walls – in the lab, there are eight surrounding orbs. It’s interesting that there’s a discrepancy between the terminals – is there some information, some secret planets, hidden from WV that are available to the lab operators?

This lab is monitoring sessions, but its own meteor is already close to impact, so the lab isn’t necessary for the sessions to continue. Some setup work was done here and now Skaia is tidying up after itself with a meteor unrelated to Rose’s house/Sburb session. Speaking of which, not all meteors have sessions, but do they all have potential sessions? The tiny meteorites in the forest probably aren’t, unless the bugs are playing Sburb. So is this conclusive proof that Rose will play Sburb, because she has a session meteor, and this will definitely happen no matter what? Or is it just prophesized that she will play (by at least Nanna and Jade) but that prophecy could still be undercut? Rose understandably isn’t trying to change this prophecy, but it is an important distinction in terms of free will.

I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that the two biggest meteors correspond to Dave and Jade’s locations. We know from previous coordinates that Jade lives in the southwest Pacific, and the meteor there has a while before touchdown – it may even be the last to fall. The presumably first Skaian meteor also fell there, and led to construction of the frog statue (p.757) and established Skaia’s power on Earth, so it’d make sense that the final meteor would be cleaning up its own mess. The second biggest meteor has no coordinates, but looks like west Texas geographically, a place Dave could reasonably live. There’s always room for a fakeout, but so far every story beat (except within media, like the Midnight Crew) has taken place in one of the four kids’ locations, so it’s a fair bet.

Hey, what’s up with the pink teapot and teacups in this lab? This inclusion is such bait for the adventure game/user command format of Homestuck. Such an anomalous item is just begging for someone to click on it and try to interact. Like so.

> Rose: See if the tea in the pot is still hot.

[riddledeep]

Dale's Full Character Profile

🍋 Chronically stressed owner of Dimmadome Global, Dimmazon, Dimm-'N-Out Burgers, and the Dome Zone Indoor Amusement Park (Coming soon)

🍋 Son of real estate tycoon Doug Dimmadome (Owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome)

🍋 Husband of energetic slice-of-life travel vlogger Hadley Harrington... and father of Dev, I guess

🍋 Billionaire non-philanthropist

🍋 Late Daddy's not-pride and not-joy (It's fine; he's fine)

Notable Riddleverse ‘fic spoilers. Your mileage may vary.

Two AUs

Dale's profile aligns with both Cloudlands AU and City Lights AU. While the AUs are not canon-compliant with each other, in 2018 I set my OC Hadley up to marry Dale... a character I never expected to see in official media again :'D

As of September 2024, Dale's fate in Cloudlands AU has been tweaked to better mimic his A New Wish Season 1 lore. The original plan was for the couple to be betrothed - and married - young without romantic feelings for one another, but they'd grow closer as they raised their son (Dave) and took him around the world on adventures. And, well... Close enough! I'll take it.

As far as Cloudlands and City Lights canons are concerned, Hadley is Dale's wife and Dev's mom, and Dave's been replaced with Dev. My initial personality for adult Dale (Self-conscious and avoidant) still lurks under the surface, but he comes across as the same ol' confident jerk we know and love. The info below reads correct for both AUs!

OVERVIEW

Full Name: Daedalus Dallas Peddler "Dale" Dimmadome

Preferred Form of Address: Dale Dimmadome, Owner of Dimmadome Global Alternate Forms of Address: Doug's Son / Twerp / Mr. Dimmadome / Maverick / Dad His dad called him Daedalus or Peddler in his youth, but that phased out as he got older. Nowadays, only his wife calls him Daedalus (only when she REALLY needs to get through to him) Aspiration: Maintain his wealthy lifestyle and create his own legacy... in a hopeless attempt to "win his late dad's love."

Born: Spring of the Echoing Peaks

Zodiac: Soil Birthday: May 5th, 1986 Hometown: Dimmsdale -> Dimmadelphia, California; USA Age During Frozen Timestream: 16 - Turned this in both 2002 and every year for the 50 years retroactively condensed into 2003. Turned 17 in 2004. Age When Married: 24 Age at Dev's Birth: 26 (Nearly 27) Age During A New Wish Season 1: 36 (37 in May)

Species: Human

Ethnicity: Mostly English through the Dimm line with some Scottish, German, and Italian mixed in. Pretty familiar with his family history- He could kick your butt at Dimmadome trivia any day. Nationality: American (Texas proud!) (This is untrue)

Mindset: Extremely hardworking and devoted to a fault... to the things he chooses to put his time and care in. Not accurately described as "nervous and jumpy" so much as "paranoid and defensive."

Complex PTSD: Many layers of severe trauma related to his 7-year streak of abuse at Vicky's hands (on top of his parents not being... great). As an adult, Dale can push through a lot of things, but there's a lot of flickering between what he was able to handle as a kid (when he was used to being around such things) and stuff that's more triggering now that he's an adult who's kept his distance.

Notable triggers include lemon scent, loud voices, small spaces, the dark, hunger, rodents, toothaches, stomach pains, going too long without proper hygiene, and being barefoot (among other things). Some days he can handle his triggers fine, other days he can't... Just depends how haunted and jumpy he is.

Ex: Some days he mixes drinks and eats limes, some days limes are not distinct enough and touching the rinds upsets him. Sometimes he can touch dirt, other times he'll avoid it. If he made the decision to gulp down lemonade, he could do so - He grew up with it and is familiar with the smell and texture - but on a day he's not in the mood, it's very upsetting for him. Some days he's fine seeing citrus designs on clothing, other times he leaves the room to be annoyed in private. Notably, few people know about Dale's trauma as his dad was very insistent on keeping it quiet. Dale doesn't trust that information to others lightly.

Struggles with survivor's guilt and other complicated feelings about his trauma (often blaming himself for not being a good friend to Vicky and therefore pushing her to become rough with him). Struggles to connect with people and tends to keep his walls up. Lots of trust issues.

He sleeps with a nightlight and/or phone light on. Avoids things that remind him of cellars and trapdoors... Escape rooms and submarines would really affect him, but he does okay in helicopters. Mostly. I don't know why I'm saying this; he sends them crashing to the ground instead of landing properly.

If you ever tell Dale you sent your kid to bed without food, he will remember that and chalk you up as an unsafe person. What if you take his food? He will not come to your house, follow you, or be alone with you. You're scary.

Hypervigilance: Tendency to spiral, follow extreme trains of thought, and believe things that aren't true (Ex: "Hazel is going to ruin me, she wants to see me fail, she's part of a larger scheme, who does she work for, she wants to tear Dimmazon to the ground, she wants me to lose everything, she wants me on the streets, she and whoever she's working for are scheming to rob and hurt me).

Although not always obvious to Dev, Dale gets very anxious around mealtimes- Dev has hypoglycemia and Dale's the one who insisted to the school that the au pairs are medical devices to help monitor that. When Dev started school, Dale was absolutely the nervous parent who called multiple time to ask if he ate. He's grown more lax over the years due to his faith in the au pairs, but if he had his way, Dev would never be more than 10 feet from an au pair, ever. Too many bad things could happen. Terrifying.

Dissociation: During his stressed-out spirals, Dale sometimes loses his sense of being grounded to reality. Everything feels ambiguous and like it's trickling through his fingers. Sometimes he might still feel like he can function, but feels like his body's on auto-pilot and he's floating outside it. He might jolt "back to reality," check a clock, and realize an hour passed and he has no memory of it.

- Very common experience when studying falling stock charts, lying awake at night, thinking too much about his dad, riding in a vehicle, typing up data, fixing robots, cleaning things, in long meetings, showering, or during flirty bedroom moments. - Dale and Chloe are two sides of the same coin: Children struggling under grand expectations who go into anxiety attacks and dissociative episodes when criticized. - Adult Dale uses this as a shield for justifying his neglectful parenting ("You don't understand what I've been through / I can't be better than this because I have X and Y"). But if he ever said that to Chloe, her mouth would drop open for 5 seconds before she socked him in the jaw. Say good-bye to that last tooth, bud.

The boots, au pairs, beeping wristwatches, phone alarms, and physical touch from his wife or son help... a little.

OCD: Prefers routine- Hates going to bed without knowing what the plan is for the next day (or week, or month, or quarter... The list goes on). Doesn't love when things don't go as planned (and definitely doesn't like someone inviting him to go somewhere if he hasn't been warned in advance).

You will not get him to close his eyes and follow you for "a surprise." Repeatedly checks to ensure he left the doors unlocked so he doesn't get stuck inside (See also, open entrance to his tent in "Lost and Founder's Day").

Constantly checking his schedule out of paranoia he'll forget a meeting (Ex: Struggles to get through dinner without being plagued by thoughts that he was supposed to be doing something else). Tries to eat at a consistent time- Gets frustrated when Dev has other plans.

Lots of unwanted thoughts and impulses, especially in regards to pleasing his parents or Vicky. Sometimes lies awake wondering if his wife or business partners are manipulating him and he just can't see it yet (He's not great with criticism- See also, switching off the au pair that asked why he was hurting people).

Does not do well with his wife's hoarding OCD- Lots of boxes remind him of crates full of lemons and cramped conditions. Puts up with it because he has to, but he and Hadley have separate bathrooms, and he and the au pairs do their utmost to maintain Dale's bedroom spacious, clean, and uncrowded by her stuff. Hadley has her own bedroom, but it's so full of stuff that she seeks out his bed anyway.

Tends to scratch and pick at skin (in addition to pulling out hair). Mutters repetitive phrases sometimes.

Likes things laid out around him, easy to see, especially in a consistent color theme. Doesn't like when things don't match (Ex: If given the choice, he'd rather build an entire fleet of Version 2.0 au pairs rather than 1 or 2 new models alongside old versions... He'd just throw them all out). Has very specific layouts he prefers for buttons, switches, and knobs.

Often prefers symmetry (Ex: hedges and string lights on both sides), but he also likes alternating up-and-down patterns (Ex: Likes the levers in his control room to be up-down-up patterns. Tends to set them like that without thinking through the consequences of flipping things). Horrendous habit of walking into someone else's space and flipping THEIR levers without asking what they do.

Contamination OCD, especially regarding water (He does not like dirt in it) or food given to him by others (What if it's drugged or poisoned? This stuff could make him sick. Actually, we will sit here at the fancy dinner table not eating until everyone else does, and sometimes not even then. It's fine.) If you hand him a box of food, the first thing he'll do is check the expiration date. If it's too close, he'll throw it out.

Feels much safer with the au pairs cooking for him than a hired human chef. That's how people get murdered, Sally. "But what if his robots glitch-" Did I stutter. This man has never heard of "Too many cooks in the kitchen" and he always has several au pairs on the same meal at once. If the day comes where there is a glitch he can't fix, he will cook for himself instead of hiring someone. Do not touch his plate unless you're his wife or son, and even then... he might not eat it. But he also hates going without food, so you can imagine the internal conflict. Thankfully, he is actually married to someone who grew up cooking and who taught Dev to cook for videos. Unfortunately, Hadley is a hoarder and will keep food past its expiration date or when it's moldy. She is not allowed in the kitchen without Dale, Dev, and/or an au pair. Dale loses his mind if she goes in there unsupervised. You do not mess with his food anxiety. It's the thing they argue about most, mostly because Dale knows Hadley will just eat moldy things (or offer them to Dev) rather than throw them out. Thank goodness for au pairs that can cook and discard expired food; they are holding this family together. If you gave Dale the choice between eating something Hadley made or Dev made, he'd choose Dev's every time. He honestly likes his wife's cooking because she's dang good at it, but the picky eater is way more likely to throw things out if they're bad. -> Dale often compares his son to a machine, but in this case, it's a compliment. Dale would stake his life on Dev's ability to put his foot down to Hadley about expired food. He actually has had to do this when ingredients are separated from their labels; it's a huge relief that Dev also thinks her food hoarding habits are unsafe, because Dale finally has someone who Lives In This House and Gets It...

Misophonia: - Hypersensitive to sound; gets very snappy very fast when a sound upsets him. Often unclear what sets him off vs. what doesn't, but screams, squelches, splashes, and rodent squeaks are fairly consistent "Hell no"s. Less bothered by chewing food, but doesn't like whistling or random mouth noises for the sake of noise.

Likes beeps and boops, but prefers when he's in control of them (or they're in musical patterns)- Presumably, he likes when keys he presses make noise, as it draws him in and helps him block out sounds he doesn't like. Easily annoyed by random background sounds.

Very sensitive to the noises his au pairs make. Can instantly tell if one nearby is flying in the wrong direction, which tends to stress him out (What if his security's been compromised? What if someone snuck in? Must check immediately.)

Inattentive ADHD: Does much better with a to-do list or schedule in his hand than he does without (and does better when his list is typed on his phone or tablet instead of a piece of paper he's at risk of putting down).

Easily distracted when things don't snag his attention. Loses interest in meetings that stray from the topic of money and electronics. Although his wife's an influencer and puts out frequent videos, he doesn't watch them (unless something with robots or piles of money catches his eye). Mind glazes over when Dev shows him memes.

When something snags his thoughts, he has a difficult time shifting away from it (See also, unable to focus on the festival or his business in general while plagued by thoughts of Project H, which devolved into "all he talked about" for months). Doesn't switch gears easily when he's in the zone. Hates interruptions and has a hard time switching back if someone - mainly Dev - breaks his concentration.

See also, "only his wife calls him Daedalus and only when she really needs to get through to him." Dale snaps to attention when he hears his full name, but gets quite anxious as he assumes the worst.

Dale's not the best at organizing his thoughts in a coherent to-do list, but he's really good at sticking to a schedule once it's in hand. Maybe too good (and inflexible). He's picked up some of Hadley's list-making tactics over the years (and learned a lot from job shadowing his dad). He's getting better at prioritizing (and learning how to say No to pushy people), but the au pairs are a big help.

Sometimes gets sidetracked and changes course - see also, pursuing Danky in "Stanky Danky"; did Dev go home by himself? - and gets very sucked into what he's doing (Leading to rapid turnaround of his Danky Days marketing). Dale does have humans working in his company - and can turn to the au pairs for assistance - but he'll often do things himself since he feels he can do the work better and faster. He has a vision...

He talks a lot, tends to fidget, and interrupts people. Not very patient with those struggling to get their words out (his wife included). Still has outbursts and doesn't often apologize for cutting people off.

When his wife is stuck on a word, he'll usually fill it in for her and sometimes continue the sentence with his assumption of what she meant- often followed by the classic cartoon vibe of "Excellent idea! I'm glad I thought of it."

In the early years after his Vicky trauma, he was fairly quiet (Lots of racing thoughts inside his head), but even more fidgety than he is now. These days he might just bounce his leg, shift in his chair, or rub his thumb on the table while trying not to make noise that offends his misophonia. As a teen, he'd avoid eye contact, play with his sleeves, pick at stitches in his clothes, bite his nails, scratch his skin, and so on. Skin picking or pulling his hair is definitely one of his go-to behaviors since it's quiet.

Dale is less fidgety during meetings when eyes are on him, but he moves a lot when he's alone (See also, walking in the park while on the phone during "Lost and Founder's Day," taking work calls on Signal Hill more than once, and dancing in his control room).

Stats:

Power:  Average Endurance:  Above Average Wisdom:  Below Average Adaptability:  Below Average Charisma: Average Openness:  Below Average Conscientiousness:  Below Average Neuroticism:  Above Average

Residence: 1 Silver Spoon Hill, Dimmsdale -> 1 Dimmadome Way, Dimmadelphia

Occupation: Inventor (Robotics), owner of multiple businesses (Listed in first bullet point at top), Hadley's partner / assistant in her business affairs.

Heading Dimmadome Funds: 2014 - Present day Heir: Dev Dimmadome Previous Employment: Intern / assistant of Doug Dimmadome. We don't talk about the lemonade stand

BACKGROUND

Self-Perception: Went through hell for a best friend who didn't deserve his love and loyalty, but got up and made something of himself- Something his dad is sure to be proud of. No one in his family will ever be scrabbling for food again... and he's a lot more careful with his trust now than he was back then.

Alignment: Neutral Evil MBTI: ISTJ (Turbulent) Deadly Sin: Greed Heavenly Virtue: Diligence Love Language: Words of Affirmation Reinforcers: Security; making money; well-deserved vacation days

History: Born and raised in Dimmsdale, California- Specifically, in his father's precariously perched cliffside estate (S3's "Engine Blocked").

This extremely questionable environment to raise a child left him overly cautious of where he put his feet and whether people were walking towards him. He learned pretty fast that toys that go over the edge aren't coming back... at least, unless you pull up your big boy pants and take the long walk down to retrieve them from the beach.

See Dimmsdale Map - Dale grew up in the northwest (Through the woods, down a long and windy road, up on a cliff).

Dale didn't have many kids over to play during his youth - or throughout his teen years at that - as watching more than one kid would've really split his parents' attention. -> Adult Dale let Dev wander Dimmadelphia from a young age in part due to this warped idea he has of a child's ability to recognize danger (But mostly because he trusts the au pairs to grab him if he runs into the street).

You wouldn't know it looking at him now, but Dale was a very playful and curious child. He didn't have siblings and his parents' attention towards him was hit-or-miss. He kept himself entertained by exploring the beaches and cliffs around his home (along with any other location Doug brought him, such as Dimmsdale Farms and Dimmadelphia).

He poked through a lot of driftwood and garbage washing up on shore, taught himself to fix broken toys that went over the edge (like toy cars that popped their wheels out of place, or inflatable things that needed a patch).

Despite his mother (Pearl) living the stay-at-home-mom life, Dale preferred spending time with his father. Pearl came from generational wealth (as opposed to Doug's self-made wealth accrued from striking gold and using it wisely as he built up a larger fortune)- It was very important to her that Dale would grow up to be her vision of elegant and proper-mannered.

Pearl had very high expectations, especially in regards to what Dale ate. She struggled with an eating disorder in her teens and never quite let go of it, even though she recovered a lot. She cooked healthy meals and hated if Dale dragged his feet about it. Junk food was banned in the house, and if they attended an event with desserts, Dale was forbidden from eating them (She'd smack his hands if he tried). She commented frequently on his weight, as Doug's family is heavier than hers (especially since anxiety and eating disorders sprinkle her ancestry).

- When they were kids, Vicky snuck Dale sweets and snacks. What a good friend! - If you'd asked young Dale, he'd politely tell you he loves his mother, but as an adult, the question would be met with a pause. He has a lot of conflicting feelings about her... and we've only scratched the surface.

Doug went along with a lot of what Pearl said (Very "Doug is in charge of businesses and Pearl is in charge of the home life" vibes), so he never complained about the fresh-made meals even when Dale struggled with them.

Dale has some good memories with his mom - like playing Dimmanopoly and other board games - but he preferred the company of his relaxed father. Doug may have been too relaxed in some areas, leading to inconsistent parenting (with Pearl trying to set a standard that Doug ignored when she wasn't around and encouraged Dale to flaunt too with a wink and smile).

Dale loves his dad very much, having grown up with Doug as the epicenter of positive things in his life: Dad let him goof off, didn't control what he ate, took him to events (especially those hosted at the Dimmadome), and could do everything. He's so smart and fun!

Dale spent a lot of time following his dad around, being his very curious and eager-to-learn self. He happily volunteered for farm chores and found a system for cleaning and organizing; he'd get a head pat and words of affirmation from his dad, and has been neat and tidy ever since. Even as a very young child, Dale spent many afternoons happily scrubbing his dad's office desk, windows, or floor while Doug talked on the phone.

Dale's preschool, kindergarten, and 1st grade years were marked with people who seemingly only took an interest in him because he came from wealth... or alternatively, kids who were children of wealthy families themselves. Dale attended many fancy social events growing up and became familiar with the rich kids his age range. Still, he reached the point where he began introducing himself outside the wealthy social circle as Dale Donovan... which is the name Vicky committed to memory (and never questioned).

Dale wasn't a kid who threw money around (See Remy Buxaplenty doing things like renting out an entire theater just for him and bags of money). He also wasn't "popular" per se- Not like Trixie, Tad, and Chad are in Timmy's era. In fact, Dale had no real money of his own and was pretty get-your-hands-dirty, down-to-earth. He was definitely provided for, but wasn't spoiled to the degree that Dev is. Dale was pretty content as a kid and didn't ask for much- He kept himself entertained, he liked exploring, and he liked cleaning. He lost some toys and balls over the edge of the cliff, but he learned to retrieve and repair them rather than throwing a fit and demanding a new one. Very "It's much faster if I do this myself" energy. - He'd ask for comic books (and maybe a few toys), but he received enough attention and friendship that he was simply happy with his life. It's possible he would've become more restless and spoiled if he hadn't befriended Vicky, or if the Lemonade Drama hadn't happened. -> All of this plays into Dale seeing himself as someone who worked for what he has. Yes, he inherited some generational wealth, but he doesn't consider himself a child who grew up with lots of liquid cash. He sees himself as a child who was grateful, worked hard, and achieved success. -> Dale gets frustrated with Dev and sees his outbursts as evidence he's a spoiled brat, hence Dev's bed being labeled S.S. Spoiled [in French]. Dale doesn't get why Dev "can't just be grateful he has a nice life." -> That said, he's also not the kind of dad who would tell Dev to stop hanging out with Hazel, even though Dale was frustrated with her during his Project H arc. Dale had a friend growing up- He figures Dev has several friends too (and is fine with Dev exploring the city... If only that dang kid would digitally mark when he's eaten!!)

Dale saw Vicky as "his only friend who cares about me for me, not my dad's money" and latched onto her. While he was still polite to other kids, Vicky knew him better than anyone (and he probably knew her better than most people, too... Arguably, he still knows her really well, which is uncomfortable for both of them).

See also, "50 Words of Dale and Vicky" (Age 6 to 9).

Dale always saw Vicky as clever, fun, and a good leader. He trusted her deeply and clung to threads even when she turned cruel towards him. Dale is very aware that "bad things happened" and "he felt hurt and scared for a long time," but he's uncomfortable when he thinks about Vicky as a person.

In his mind, the change was so extreme that he had thoughts like "This can't be who Vicky is- She's definitely under extreme distress. Something else is causing her to be lash out. I'm her best friend and I love her. She doesn't hate me; she's just upset. I forgive her, because that's what friends do. This is probably my fault; I'm not a good friend. I'm upsetting her. If I was better, she wouldn't yell at me."

He had a VERY difficult adjustment period after leaving Vicky. It was not easy for him to unlearn his attachment to her and it is consistently ambiguous to everyone (including himself) how he feels about her. He definitely hung out with her during his recovery period more than he should have.

Dale spent several years working through trauma- He reunited with his family, got doted on, was held to certain expectations, attended social events, played some basketball, played a lot of Sims, learned some languages, and gradually returned to school. Reunited with his mom - Lots of tension there - and was pretty clingy towards his dad.

See the Recovery & Time Freeze section of Dale's education details below.

When Dale was 19, his dad and Ed Leadly arranged a betrothal to Leadly's middle daughter. Since Hadley was someone Dale actually knew from rich people social gatherings, Dale was relieved for the chance to marry someone he knew rather than a stranger from out of state or something (and curious about getting set up with someone his dad liked).

Not much changed for them early on, but they made more of an effort to talk to each other at social events. They went on some walks, ate some treats, and got to know each other. Dale was still in recovery, Hadley more interested in school and friends, and that was expected. They didn't go out of their way to meet each other outside fancy social events.

With the betrothal in play, Dale continued his gap years and personal study; this set his university years up to overlap Hadley's. They lived apart for the first 2.5 years, gradually moving from "vaguely betrothed couple" to "pair who go on actual dates." Dale spent this time working up the courage to hold hands and touch another person (i.e. putting arm behind Hadley while watching a movie).

They married the January Hadley was 21 (and Dale 24), moved in together, and continued their schooling. Doug grew increasingly ill during this time. Despite his wife's excitement for kids, Dale was reluctant to go through with that part of maintaining the Dimmadome family line. Nonetheless, he is nothing if not everything his father wanted him to be; Hadley conceived Dev the summer she was 22 (~1.5 years after the wedding).

Doug passed just before Dev was born. Dale still beats himself up over "not just gritting his teeth and having the kid sooner so Dad could've seen him."

Since Hadley had graduated, she kept herself entertained by filming vlogs of her pregnancy and Dev's early years while Dale continued university studies (and working on the au pairs when he could find time). Dale wasn't often left the primary caretaker of Dev, but he sometimes was when Hadley wasn't available. Dev's hypoglycemia stressed him out very early, and Dale was relieved when the au pairs could monitor Dev's blood sugar levels.

When Dev was 6 and the au pairs were functional enough to handle some basic care (Like holding Dev back from playing in traffic), Hadley took to traveling the world. Ever since, Dale and the au pairs have split Dev's caretaking (with Hadley returning now and then before taking off on her next adventure).

Father-Son Relationships Note: Dale received plentiful physical affection from his father growing up, but as he grew older and more bitter, he resented his dad for giving him "just pats" without expressing his thoughts through words and engagement. He's since twisted his past into believing that Doug's care for him boils down to "needed an heir," that Doug has never been proud of him, and that his dad barely paid attention to him.

As an adult, Dale doesn't recognize how meaningful physical touch was to him. Because he always had it - and even got hugs from Vicky as a kid - he didn't know its absence and fails to process how desperate Dev is for physical affection.

Clarification: Dale lacked physical affection in the lemon pit, but had a lot of other things going on that made "not getting hugs" low priority.

Despite Dale's love for boots (and his fixation on the past, his trauma, and his dad) taking priority in his thoughts, he actually is a decent* parent when he's not working. Dale struggles to take breaks largely because he feels he doesn't deserve to (and/or believes he had to sacrifice work-life balance for success), but there are some situations that let him justify relaxing the reins.

Dale relaxes more during holidays. Yes, there's a lot of business-related things he can still be doing, but let's take Christmas as an example: It's a federal holiday... and it's a day where people open packages they received as gifts, which were possibly ordered through Dimmazon. He helped people find good gifts and have a happy Christmas. Thus, he deserves to relax... It's a holiday! Christmas and similar days Dale has decided are worthy of breaks are the moments Dev waits all year for: the time when his dad addresses him happily, keeps away from his phone and office, picks him up, plays games... or just crashes for a nap.

* "Decent Parent" Notes: Dale IS an inattentive parent and that should not be overlooked, but he brings Dev to city events, lets him hang out in his command tent, and responds to Dev's business-related questions in "Lost and Founder's Day." He greets him - even asking how he's doing this afternoon - when Dev returns home for lunch in "A New Dev-elopment." The au pairs were designed with the ability to cook and recognize when Dev wants a hug. Dale's not always there emotionally, but he sure can keep that kid alive. Dale's relationship with Dev is much more "job shadow me because this will be you soon" while the Buxaplenty's plan for Remy is that they will simply not die until they're very old. Who's Liam and why does it matter if he has enough skills to survive when they're gone? ... Remy. I meant Remy.

⭐ Dale is just "good dad" enough that Dev clings to that, believing "If Dad didn't have to work so much, he'd give me love and attention." Also, Hadley tends to see Dale either in his middle or positive states of being a dad and misses a lot of Dale's questionable moments... The "downs" are more likely to happen when Dale is the sole parent.

The only thing worse than a cluelessly neglectful parent is a try-hard who keeps leading you on. Come on, Dev- He's your father! When he's there, you have everything you've ever wanted... Don't you know how hard things are for him? He's doing his best; he had an abusive childhood and he works so hard. Of course he loves you. He'll come back around if you're patient; just keep on trucking. Smile wide. Work hard. Be a good boy. Give him another chance......

These breaks spent with family are the ones Dale internalizes as "This is who I am as a person; I've given my son everything and here he is. I made him. My kid's a brat, but I can't even blame him- I'm just glad he's safe. And honestly, no DNA test necessary- I get it, buddy. He's mine. I have a wife. I have a kid. I enjoy my family and life."

Despite the way Dale brushes Dev off a lot when he's in business mode, he's a good person. Why wouldn't he be? He's a real man's man- He makes the big bucks and provides for his wife and son! What more can you want? You're asking a lot. Geez... Dale was abused as a kid, you know. Cut him some slack :/

See also, the note on Dale's relationship with fundamental attribution error (Emoji star after the Personality section).

Personality: Dale's always been curious, but his bright mind and love for exploring new things is overshadowed by the trauma of his youth, which pushed him to fight for survival. In fact, he'll fistfight you if you push him into it- or even wrestle you to the ground. He craves security- His dad, boots, money, and straightforward instructions embody that for him. So does Vicky, but we don't have to go there.

Dale's a hard worker, very clever, and willing to fight for what he wants. He gets sucked into projects for weeks or months at a time, but he gets results. Fear, rage, and jealousy boil beneath the surface, but he's better at holding his temper than you'd think. Doesn't often snap at people- More likely to gripe and mutter. Not afraid to get his hands dirty- Always the first to leap into action when he needs something done. No one's as fast or committed as him- Why rely on other people when you can do everything yourself? Day after day after day...

Trust no one. Pay for nothing you don't trust. Make it yourself.

Beneath his "pulled myself up by the bootstraps" persona, Dale is anxious, awkward, and aware of it... The quiet and fidgety kid he was still lurks beneath the louder and more pompous exterior. He looked to Doug and Vicky for so long, he still struggles to be the prime decision-maker (apart from his impulsive adventures).

Dale exhausts himself with his day job, where he's a CEO of multiple companies and juggling tasks (A recent notable one being "overseeing the construction of an indoor amusement park"). In his personal life, he'd rather do low-brainpower things like take a nap- He has little energy for Dev after work. However, he'd find food for both of them if the au pairs glitched out. Their core purposes is to keep Dev from going into a seizure, passing out, or dying, and that's not an "I'll fix it later" problem. If we eat cupcakes in the Wall-2-Wall Mart parking lot at 2 AM, so be it.

After work hours, Dale wants to do the least-brainpower things he can, so he'll crash and sleep... or look to Hadley for instruction (when she's around). Sometimes Dev shows him videos while Dale is sprawled on the couch, but his dad does not understand what he's looking at 90% of the time.

Unless he's in a very stubborn mood, Dale tends to do what people tell him to do. He won't if it's in direct conflict with his money-making goals, but if you ask him to be an extra pair of hands while bringing in party decorations from your car, he'll do it. Beyond his egotistical attitude and hatred for recycling, he's a surprisingly good neighbor & husband (which is probably why people don't realize how neglectful he is to Dev). If you find him in the supermarket and ask if he knows where the spaghetti sauce is, he'll point you towards it. His default response is to be friendly... It's just something that was heavily beaten out of him by Vicky's cruelty, his dad's "Don't talk about your trauma" attitude, and the cutthroat business world. See also, ignoring Hazel's name when he saw her in "A New Dev-elopment," but still greeting her and Dev and asking how their afternoon was in the first place.

Dale is curious, likes learning, and will follow the lead of anyone he deems interesting, relevant, and knowledgeable:

From this post about Dale and Kevin Crocker going out to dinner

Somewhere underneath his poor parenting, Dale wants to be a decent family man... After all, he can't disappoint Daddy there either. But he didn't have good role models for that and putting in the work is hard. Someday... someday when he's not so busy...

⭐ Dale is a textbook case for "guy who doesn't fall into fundamental attribution error easily." In other words, Dale takes circumstances into account when judging people's actions (not just attributing things to personality)... Perhaps to a critically unhealthy degree.

- Dad loves him very much. He's just really busy... Dale already has his father's love; what he needs is something he unquestionably deserves because he worked for it: Daddy's pride in him. - Vicky can't be a horrifically cruel person because no one is actually like that. Vicky is just stressed and scared. She's doing her best and doesn't understand the effect she has on people. - Conversely, Dale has a very hard time recognizing the effects of his neglect on Dev. Of course he cares about Dev- Would he provide for him or spend time with him if he didn't? -> Dale doesn't see himself as "a bad person" or "a terrible dad" or "someone who would hurt a child." He sees himself as "a guy trying to grow and make money in ways that some people look down on or consider amoral, but everyone defines morals in their own way and you can't please everyone, so he's going to chase success regardless of what others think."

At his core, Dale is haunted not just by the abuse Vicky inflicted on him, but by the lack of praise and support he received from his dad growing up. But it's okay. Dad was just busy. He's over it. It's fine.

Education: Dale was a very enthusiastic student. He loved learning and would raise his hand for almost every question. He consistently landed top scores, was deemed "the smart kid," a suck-up, and a little too "goody-two-shoes perfect" for his own good.

Although restless and a little forgetful - ADHD be like that - Doug and Pearl kept him on track, and he did a mostly good job at turning in his homework.

Dale was very much the type to stand up to bullies. He got into several fights growing up, even as a 1st grader (Even with Vicky, who forgave his stupid acts, because she is a good person).

Elementary School: Dale attended preschool and kindergarten at a private school, but asked to be put in the same class as Vicky for 1st grade. Doug shrugged and did so, glad his son had a friend. Thus, Dale moved to Dimmsdale Elementary (with his dad's personal assistant dropping him off, as he was outside the school bus range... See also, lived beyond the woods up on a cliff).

Dale disappeared at the end of his 3rd grade year. He missed several years of school, including his entire middle school period.

- Despite several kids aware of Dale's family name, Vicky believed his surname was Donovan. Why would he lie about that? - If you asked Vicky directly, she'd say something like "Well, I found out his real last name at some point, but he always told me it was Donovan, so I kept calling him that. I thought he came from a family of successful farmers." Whether any of that is true is anyone's guess.

Recovery & Time Freeze: After leaving Vicky's lemonade factory, Dale spent some time "crashing"... mostly curled up in bed, struggling through a lot of feelings, and remembering how to live in a house (Preparing food, adjusting to bright lights, people coming and going, getting dressed every day, and so on).

Generally, Dale got pushed into things (like social interaction and independence) by his dad before he was ready. This may have been beneficial in the long term (seeing as Dale wanted to lay in bed for weeks or months, or maybe on the couch if he was daring), but he wasn't happy about it at the time.

Dale played a lot of PC games (Mostly Sims) and slowly caught up on his schooling... or at least the parts Doug cared about.

Notably, this is how Dale spent the 50 years time was frozen. He also picked up new skills like languages (for fun because he found them interesting), but like everyone else, he was under "It's uncommon to advance through school years because of time manipulation" rules, so... he looped through recovery, personal study, and a small amount of academia- Not a full year of schooling like other kids his age.

Dale also looped through job shadows with his dad. He became very knowledgeable about meticulous business workings and the stock market, farm-related expertise, and social events.

He also became incredibly good at card games (like Blackjack and Texas Hold'em), which surprised everyone including himself. He could consistently clean out his dad's gambling buddies after several loops at age 16, which they found adorable. They were very excited to take him to Vegas when he turned 21.

"Is that legal even if it happened in their own home?" -> We don't have to talk about that. Unrelated, but the Dimmadomes sure own a lot of business fronts and buy weird art pieces, huh?

Since businesses, product releases, and tech advancements continued changing as the years went by, Dale was exposed to many new things and was arguably more prepared for adulthood thanks to the time freeze than any other noteworthy character in the Cloudlands or City Lights AUs (except perhaps A.J.)

Like everyone else, he thinks he gained all his knowledge during 2003- Not during repeated 2002 years.

High School: Dale enrolled in a private school, his learning supplemented with private tutors - namely Denzel Crocker - but that didn't stop him from loitering around Dimmsdale High in search of Vicky. He had several run-ins with her, Justin Jake Ashton (Mark Chang), and other kids their age.

From this post about Dale (and Happy Peppy Gary) spying on Vicky & Justin

Further Education: Took several gap years before attending Archimedes University in Dimmadelphia. He took his courses slowly, just a few credits at a time, and his schooling was stretched out over a long period. He studied robotics and business (and later got a master's).

During this time, Doug passed on, Dev was born, and Dale inherited the Dimmadome fortune.

Favorite School Subject: Science -> Physics -> Robotics. He also enjoyed math, art, and marketing.

Least Favorite Subject: Biology

Clubs: Robotics, of course! (Nerd)

Friend Group: Jeremy and Watson- Upper class folks such as Remy, Trixie, Tad, Chad, Veronica, and Hadley. Also Mikey Munroe (Security expert like his parents), but who's asking?

Notable Likes:

- Boots - Robotics - Naps - Getting into a flow state without distractions (Especially noise) - Boots again - Drawing (Especially with colored pens or markers) - Dancing - Rodeos (plus state fairs, farms, cows, and horses) - Big buildings - Sims games and any card or board game that lets him accrue many pieces and cards. Worst Uno player you've ever met. - Snappy turnaround on his projects- He lives by an "It's faster if I do it myself" attitude - Feeling like he deserves rest (Like that ever happens) - When his wife is away and he gets the bed to himself - When his wife is home so the hypervigilance doesn't hit as hard - His wife :( - Following lists and meticulously organizing things - Cleaning products that don't smell like citrus - Puffy jackets with chunky zippers - People commenting he's gained weight - Sunlight (but no, he won't open the bedroom windows) - Rain and snow - Paloma cocktails - Boat rides - Gambling - Basketball - Animal print - Hunting - His wife in THOSE boots

Had Fairy Godparent: ... This page seems kinda smudged.

Favorite Wish: Hm. I don't think the archives ever wrote that down...

Goals:

- Build generational wealth to pass to his descendants - Stop overthinking things at night; go to bed satisfied - Accrue a lot of knowledge and learn many skills - Teach Dev things about business so he'll be more prepared to take over the Dimmadome fortune than Dale was - Reduce the number of prototypes it takes to land a great robot - Unwind... Rest... Take more guilt-free naps - Be a good family man (??)

Beliefs:

- Hard work will be rewarded - Security and stability are everything - Good branding doesn't guarantee success, but it sure makes things easier - Don't separate a traumatized person from their comforts. Or most people from those things. But Dev shouldn't have screen time too close to bed- Taking his tablet is good for him. - No one is truly evil; everyone is a good person with reasons for what they do. Knowing why people act the way they do is the key to negotiation and communication - Anything can be learned. Anything - and any person - can be improved with hard work, time, and dedication - Robots are helpful and improve quality of life... Good robots that people who know what they're doing built, at least. - Being left unsupervised as a child probably messed him up. Thank goodness Dev has au pair guardians - The ends justify the means

Fears:

- Disappointing his dad - Being abandoned by everyone (Vicky, his dad, his wife...) - Losing everything he's built up - He and/or his family getting kidnapped (and tormented) - Ed Leadly (Father-in-law) - Waking up in the lemonade factory (It was all a dream...) - Vicky Incorrect. Vicky is his friend. She would never hurt him.

Upsets:

- Losing money - Faulty au pairs - Random background noises - Animals (especially furry ones; very unhygienic) - Dev talking back to him, fidgeting during social events, or refusing to eat at a nice restaurant - Lemonade - Hadley dragging her trash into his space (or gifting him things that don't fit his organization system... but she's forgiven) - Loose seashells or stones lying around - Being separated from his boots - Unlabeled items that might contain lactose or mold - Dev not marking on his digital checklist that he's eaten around mealtimes. Boy, don't play these games... - People sneaking near his house

Comforts:

- His lucky boots - The Dimmsdale Dimmadome - Clothes that ease body dysphoria (Like puffy jackets that don't cling to his thin frame) - Things neatly put away (and his stuff still in the same place he left it), especially in his closet, office, bedroom, car, and bathroom - Having enough light to see - Clean water, abundant food, plenty of cash... The basics - Words of affirmation - Decorations and branding that remind him of his dad (Even if he's not a big fan of his dad's hats personally)

Indulgences: Cartoons from his childhood... but he doesn't watch often. When he does, it's probably with headphones on (and the sound low) with the door extra locked.

Sometimes he splurges on Crimson Chin comics since they can go for a high price (and he can afford it). Splurging often sucks him in, leading to binge scrolling and bulk memorabilia purchases.

Some of this stuff ends up in Dev's hands or Hadley's hoard. Dale will hold things in his own room briefly (i.e. while actively using them), but if he doesn't have a consistent storage space, he'll give them to a family member, sell them, or throw them out when he's done.

I am lying. You don't throw things out in Hadley's household!

EXTERNAL

Verbal Notes: Loves to talk; gets big and loud about it. Likes adjectives. Comes across as quite cheery (Was scolded post-lemonade factory for being quiet and fidgety, which was "weak and shameful"- He learned to "shape up" and mask a lot of what he felt).

Loves talking about himself, his businesses, and his dad's accomplishments.

Picked up old slang terms from his dad (and Dad's gambling buddies... who were also Dale's gambling buddies). "Tough titties, kitties" is one of his go-tos, though he censors it as "tough tittles" around Dev.

Other favorites are "Nifty!" (Cool), "Swanky" (Looks great; elegant), "Ah, applesauce!" (Dang it!), "Get a wiggle on" (Let's go; get moving), "Dry up" (Shut up and get lost), and "Bank's closed" (No making out tonight). I wish I was making that last one up. Dev finds these embarrassing and rolls his eyes, but at least he has something to throw back at his dad if Dale ever grumbles about Dev's preferred slang. Also, Dale would rather say "folks" than "everyone" or "guys." He sees people as customers, clients, or walking wallets, but will correct himself to more socially acceptable words (like "lovely people," "other students," "persons," or "kids your age").

Not afraid to share his thought process even if it's a little amoral (See also, "tends to assume others experience emotions the way he does"). When he sets rules and expectations, he'll explain why (Ex: "You can't go out alone; the au pairs are on the fritz" or "Finish your homework before dinner; we're going out tonight"). Dale likes knowing what to expect, so that's how he talks to other people.

Example from canon: "Devin, turn down that game. I can hear the incessant beeping and booping and tapping all the way in my office. I have an important project I'm working on for Founder's Day." -> As opposed to "Turn that off; it's loud." Dev picked this up from him- It's in the way he tells Hazel he's no longer interested in the treasure hunt because "It's silly to jump through hoops." Then he IS interested and explains why he snapped at her. He expresses frustration with Hazel's lack of frustration when he cheated in Rock, Paper, Scissors, etc. Say one thing about those Dimmadomes... They're not always on the same page, but they sure explain what they're thinking. I guess you don't get to be a great business negotiator without communication skills.

Dale's instinct isn't to be complimentary. During business meetings, he'll grit his teeth and fake enthusiasm, but he's definitely had moments where he wants to insult everything around him. He's sweeter with his wife than with most people, but focuses on topics like financial success and elegance.

Ex: "Way to rake it in, Hadley! The stocks are up this month" & "Now that's a classy look" as opposed to "You're such a hard worker" or "You look beautiful tonight". It's just his brain's go-to.

Since he didn't care for Doug's physical affection like pats and hugs but craved praise, Dale mirrors that towards Dev. He expresses pride (i.e. "Keep up the good work and you'll be running with your old man in no time") when he feels Dev "achieved success"... which usually means Hadley's Dev-themed videos are doing well, Dev won money from a tournament, or Dev scored all A's at the end of the year.

Big "Great; that's what I expect. You're a sharp kid; a real chip off the old block- you just need to apply yourself more" vibes.

He tends to overlook or diminish Dev's accomplishments. Are all A's that impressive if you weren't the best in class? Dev gets praised, but it feels hollow... He is never good enough.

In other words, Dale's compliments sound backhanded despite them not technically being rude... He just focuses on "things that help our success and status" more than the people he's addressing.

Dale uses tag questions like "Innit?", "Wouldya?", or "Do I?" Many sentences end with upward inflection. [ Think ~, ?, !, or :) ]

He has a great memory for names. Or rather, the importance of knowing names was drilled into him early on. He'll address people by name if the situation calls for it (even if they're a trash monster). And don't you dare insult the trash monster. That's his friend now. Very good at greeting people that he cares about when he sees them, especially in business situations.

Almost always calls his son Devin. Occasionally calls him Dev or a special nickname like "Kiddo," "Bud," "Son," or "Junior." Dev's full forename is Development, but that's reserved for special moments... Like pride, but never in scolding. Dev doesn't jump in alarm at the sound of his full name the way Dale does- Dale calls "Devin!" if he's mad. For all his emotional distance and dehumanization tendencies, Dale genuinely views Dev as his son. He refers to him as such and doesn't cut ties for the sake of professionalism... which is more than I can say for some people...

Language: Speaks fluent English; can pull off business talks in Mandarin and Japanese.

Better at Japanese since his wife's a big fan and has been learning the language since she was a kid, but Hadley speaks it with "an anime accent" and Dale speaks it with a more professional one.

Languages were one of the things Dale kept himself entertained with during his mental recovery years... Played a lot of video games with different language settings, listened to a lot of audiobooks. He knows all the Simlish words that actually are consistent words.

Physical Notes: Very expressive with his body language, but if you compare him with other people, you'll detect a certain stiffness or reservation in some movements (Ex: Tries to stop himself from flinching. If he does, he'll snap upright and square up... General sense that he doesn't let himself feel certain emotions. Compare with Mikey Munroe, who bends his entire body backwards and curls up when startled).

Tends to lean, often cocking one hand on his hip. Usually has a device in his other hand. Often walks while scrolling through his phone or tablet, or while talking on the phone. Prone to fidgeting (Ex: bouncing his leg) or dancing, especially when he's in the zone. He's dramatic even in his office- kicking himself across the room on his swivel chair or acting out mental images. Walks around a lot while listening to music, pretending he's in a dramatic scene.

Doesn't pocket his hands as much as Dev does and is more likely to pocket one than both. Blinks infrequently. Stares a lot (especially at screens). Often avoids eye contact.

Not afraid to pump his arms, throw his hands in the air, dance, stomp, hop, finger gun, flash peace signs, or whatever it takes to get people's eyes on him while he's trying to sell stuff.

In his teen years, Dale slouched a lot, fidgeted - especially by rubbing his cheeks since his mouth hurt - and struggled to look at people. His dad really pushed him to stand straight, shake hands, and talk more.

Does not often touch people - combo of OCD and trust issues - but he'll lean on them if he's in the zone and talking big (Ex: thumping his elbow on top of Danky while baby-talking him).

Has an easier time touching people with a clothed arm than making skin to skin contact.

Doesn't reach for people absentmindedly. Way more likely to hold his hands close to his chest than take his wife's hand. But sometimes he does, especially in front of cameras (You can't be the Dimmadome power couple if you don't convince everyone you're a couple). He'll clap a hand to Dev's shoulder when talking to or bragging about him.

He does this a lot at bustling social events because if he takes his hand off that child, he will probably lose him within 10 seconds.

Break Dale's trust forever by grabbing his extended hand and yanking him forward (or squeezing way too tight). Like an elephant, he will never forget and will keep an extra step away from you at all times. Do not grab or push him. He will go on guard around you.

Handedness: Right Body Language: Often stiff with a tendency to stare, though he does a lot of leaning. Becomes expressive when he's talking up a storm. Doesn't blink much. Usually holding a phone or tablet. Hair: Thin, often splitting at the ends, and comes out in clumps. Has some pomp and fluff to it, but he's pulled out a lot of that over the years. His front loop is a natural curl that will spring out again even if he clips that bit off. Specifically, it grew in as he got older and his front puff reduced in size. I don't always, but I like to draw the two stray hairs in the back like lowercase Ds (hanging on from their bottoms). Teeth: Had his missing teeth replaced with gold. Back when they were missing, Dale avoided smiling or talking much. Mouth hurt a lot for years. Scars: Physically, not as many as you'd think. But emotionally? Imagine the toil. Tattoos: None... to his wife's disappointment. Hadley would love for him to get a little cherry blossom with a cute branch wrapped around his ring finger to compensate for the sensory issues his wedding ring gives him, but being stabbed repeatedly with a sharp object does not factor into his life goals. When he goes out of town for business meetings, Hadley will often video call and ask to see the ring and/or ask him to write her name on his chest or stomach. She is THAT paranoid... but y'know, we can make small allowances for her. She's his friend wife!

Style: Has a funky, modern, sleek, and not necessarily professional style (See also, chunky zippers and sequin pants). Gives off huge "new money" vibes that make people in his social circle glance at him funny, but no one says anything because he's a billionaire.

Wears his puffer jacket even in the California summer because it makes him look less scrawny. It's a recent addition to his wardrobe, but it tremendously improved his confidence and self-perceived attractiveness. He loves it and is very proud that he found it himself. This man is also a tech geek who does not really understand fashion. He dresses how he wants.

Notably, Dale is very neat and doesn't like items that don't fit his closet organization. He'll humor his wife when she brings him new clothes, but they both know he'll discard it if it's inconsistent with what he already has and likes.

Dev owns a lot of oversized shirts because they were passed down from Dale; Dev wears them to bed sometimes.

Regular Clothing: Big puffer jacket and sequin pants, really leaning into that funky modern geek vibe. Casual Clothing: Anything baggy that doesn't cling to his scrawny figure, but it has to be something with a tight enough collar that it won't hang off his shoulders. Besides white and gold, he also likes purple... It's safe... Nightwear: Animal print boxer shorts. Sometimes leopard, sometimes zebra, sometimes cow... You never know! Hadley gives him pajamas for her holiday videos, so he'll wear those until he doesn't want to. He tends to like his things, but he also likes new and fun things. Formal Clothing: White suits with black and gold accents, as Dimmadomes are wont to do. Other: Cannot emphasize enough how much this man likes animal print. He will wear anything you give him, but cow patterns are a favorite (Probably because he grew up around them). Being barefoot is a huge trigger for lemonade pit memories (specifically, having dirt and grime underfoot). Dale has a stockpile of identical boots because they bring back memories of a safe childhood, his dad's affection, and his recovery process... but he'll still cling to one pair until it's absolutely falling apart. -> Mostly, he only takes the boots off only when getting dressed (They won't fit, but he'll leave them on if he's putting on something with wide leg holes) or in the shower (He cares a lot about scrubbing his feet to get off grime since that's the point of wearing them). -> If he gets separated from his boots, he'll keep his feet off the ground and call for someone... but everyone in his household knows not to touch them, so he's rarely without. Yes, the boots stay on in the bedroom. All the time. Not a big fan of hats... Specifically, his dad's style of hat. He would never, ever tell his father that.

Height: 6′4″

Hygiene: High risk of neglecting hygiene due to hyperfixating on his projects. The au pairs give him reminders, but it's not unusual for him to brush those off. He tries to take care of his remaining tooth.

Dale takes long showers due to mild contamination OCD (especially regarding his feet)- the shower is the only place he likes taking off his boots, and he cares a lot about scrubbing his feet. The feel of dirt or crumbs on his feet is a big trigger, and he wears the boots to take the edge off that.

Sometimes he dissociates, so he ends up in the bathroom longer than he needs to. He might jump on a phone call with Hadley to keep grounded, but strictly no one else- No business talks, no extended family. Wife only.

This is Dale's personal self-care-slash-check-in-with-wife time and he gets snappy if Dev interrupts him. Keep conversation to dinner, kid. If you want to talk to your mother, hop on call in the other room.

Morning Schedule: Brief morning shower (super quick rinse), hair care, check Dev marked himself as "Ate breakfast" on his digital daily checklist, start work.

Typical Day Schedule: Work- Lots of reviewing reports, contacting people, giving presentations, and sitting in meetings. Juggling multiple businesses. Check Dev ate lunch.

If he didn't mark it, stress out. Call school nurse; get assured he's fine. Pace around stressing over Dev until he finally gets the indication he's eaten. Stare blankly at screens, trying to get back in the zone. The usual.

Evening Schedule: Shower. Dinner with Dev (sometimes with fancy people). Stress out if Dev is late.

Dinner is when Dale and Dev talk the most. It's at that time that Dev will talk about his day at school (Ex: If he scored well on a test). Dale doesn't have much to say to Dev because the au pairs and/or Dev's daily checklist keep him on track with chores, homework, hygiene, and "No screen time an hour before bedtime" reminders. That said, if Dale makes plans that involve Dev, he'll tell him (Ex: "Tomorrow we're going out for dinner, so be ready to go by 5:30" or "I need you to pass Dimmlets out to your class." Not great at expressing interest for Dev's life, but he sure tells you his plans. Also, general father-son conversations like Dev getting permission to host a sleepover ("The Wellsington Hotellsington").

After dinner, Dale handles personal life money-related things, like bills, checking stocks, or donating money to Dev's school ("28 Puddings Later"). He'll handle communications with friends and family during this time if applicable (Ex: If his in-laws text to ask about family reunions).

Also does repairs or upgrades to the au pairs (and focused on Project H for a while). He's often on the phone with his wife while doing this since she gets lonely when she doesn't hear from him. Sometimes he's on the phone with other people, including for business reasons (Thus cutting down Dev's ability to engage with him).

Dale can easily get sucked into his projects, but the au pairs will get him when it's bedtime and that helps. He'll tidy up, do some night hygiene things, and try to sleep.

Dale is pretty repetitive with his schedule; he likes it to run smoothly. Very frustrating when things unexpectedly go awry (Ex: Dev was late getting home for dinner). That's a sure way to land him in a bad mood and he's more likely to be snappy about things that annoy him (See also, misophonia).

Dev does his best to appease his dad, but he feels awful if he slips up and his dad gets very grumpy about it. He will absolutely get home on time (and will probably be sitting at the table early) if he wants to ask permission for something. And if he was late, he'll be as quiet and non-needy as possible.

Hadley's often away from home, and Dale's often exhausted by the time he heads to bed. Maybe some light flirting, but sleepy cuddles are much more likely than sex. Their fantasies are a little elaborate... Tired owners of multiple businesses gotta sleep sometime.

Weekend Schedule

Slower to get dressed and up on weekends. It's not uncommon to work from bed, checking up on things and sending emails (Maybe with au pairs bringing him breakfast). Hadley sleeps late, but thrashes less in the early morning hours than she does in the night, so there's that.

Weekends are really their only option for married life intimacy, and only if Hadley's home. Despite Dale's general performance anxiety, he enjoys the cosplay and roleplay aspects, which can get pretty fancy. Work hard during the week, play hard on your half-day off.

He's not always into the things his wife's into, but he likes being told what to do, so take that as you will.

Don't worry- he's very good at pushing his own wants too.

There's plenty of general house stuff to do too, like fixing au pairs and making sure everything's running with the bills and garden.

Dale is mildly more attentive to Dev's personal life on weekends (especially Sundays and/or when Hadley isn't there), offering the hope of a relationship that keeps Dev going between holidays. Still, Dev doesn't see his dad as much as he wants to. It's fine.

Sleep Schedule: Does not sleep well. Even when his wife isn't thrashing around in bed, he's a light sleeper and tends to jolt awake. Very sensitive to sounds; struggles to feel safe at night. Often crashes into naps.

That said, having Hadley around does have its perks, like reducing anxiety that someone will sneak in and kidnap him.

Dale and the au pairs have made multiple attempts to clean Hadley's room so she'll sleep in hers instead of his, but it never works. She'll cuddle up to him despite Dale's annoyance with her thrashing around in her sleep. He tolerates it because... Let's be honest- He's aware he's A Lot, so he can put up with the fact that he's a married man and it's common for couples to share a bed. And while they're both awake, the cuddles aren't bad, so there's that.

Often struggles to drift off and then jerks awake, hypervigilance kicking in (and flooding him with adrenalin). He'll slip out of bed and make the rounds (Checking on Dev himself rather than sending flashy, beeping au pairs... It's easier to find the source of strange sounds when you're not trying to listen over the sound of whirring fan blades).

Sometimes gets up to work in the middle of the night to get a head start on projects. Often looks for food. Sometimes Dev comes down in the early morning to find his dad on the kitchen floor surrounded by boxes, often with a huge pile of opened things that are now "at risk foods" that clearly need to be thrown out. Food anxiety is rough.

Dale actually does like cuddling... Hadley's just not good at staying still. He likes holding Dev more than you'd think- After all, "Someone might kidnap my son" or "My son might die if he doesn't eat" are thoughts that keep him up at night, so it's easier to fall asleep when Dev's on the couch with him (or at least in the room).

Dev might seek him on occasion (i.e. holiday naptime, Mom's away and Dev's spooked by something, or camping), but Dale never asks for this (because... he's not going to ask his son to sleep in bed with him). He does request Dev or the au pairs to knock on his door if he came home late, but that's it. And Dale gets frustrated when Dev's not home for dinner, so sometimes he'll grump and grill him on what kept him out so long and if the reasons help him network. Dev usually avoids approaching his dad, not wanting to upset him (especially if he's ill or feels dumb for being spooked by loud noises). It's a balancing act, but whatcha gonna do?

PERSONAL

Dale's Family Tree: HERE

Disclaimer: If future New Wish seasons give us relatives for Dale, this family tree (and Dale's history section) may change. It also might not. We'll see!

Relationship Status: Married to Hadley Harrington (Ed Leadly's middle daughter). Dale loves her dearly, as far as he has love for a fellow person. Don't quote me on that; it's possibly untrue.

Wedding Anniversary: January 21st, 2012 - A few months before he turned 25

Dale reunited with Hadley at age 15 (after escaping Vicky) as she was part of the social circle he was re-introduced to after many years away. Since he's 3 years older, she was quite young when he went off the radar, but he's technically known her all her life.

Hadley's older sister (Harper) is Dale's age. For a while, he knew her better- He used to play with her as a kid. Harper's the one he (presumably) would've been betrothed to if she didn't fight her dad on the idea of betrothals in general. Hadley didn't mind marrying a man she might not love, so the offer fell to her. Dale still considers Harper a friend and enjoys seeing her at family reunions, but Harper and Hadley don't get along well. Not that Dale notices.

Since he's known her for years, Dale grew familiar with Hadley; she's easily the person he's closest with. He trusts her with his life in almost all situations... but he will still ritually check the expiration dates on every ingredient she cooks with (and will sometimes make a loop to check on things that make him nervous even if she already did it). And yes, he still loves his boots and will say so. See? You don't need to hoard to be happy! Just hyperfixate for life!!

It's almost hilarious that Dale has extreme trust in Hadley while she's paranoid he'll cheat on or divorce her. Hadley asks a lot of questions about where he's been and who he's with, but when she returns from a trip, he'll smile and adopt an attitude of "Hey! You're back!"

Exception being if she interrupts him to tell him she's home. He doesn't love when something breaks his concentration and will be snappy and fussy for the rest of the evening... but if he wraps up his work and then leaves his room to find she's home, he'll throw his arms in the air with a smile and acknowledge she's back. Wife :)

He will not be there emotionally, but he definitely knows when there's someone in his house.

Hadley has an outside entrance to her storage rooms so she can unpack while he works on late-night projects... They realized pretty fast that Dale doesn't handle unexpected door squeaks and footsteps very well.

Dale finds it very attractive that Hadley's always been friendly to him, including when he was fresh out of the lemonade pit, emotionally raw, and didn't look or act appealing. They bicker on occasion, but she's never threatened to hit him. In fact, she's pretty patient when he takes his time working up to things. Hadley came from a very wealthy family (thus cutting down the risk of her being a gold digger), yet is also a hard worker very devoted to her self-made career: making videos and selling a wide variety of products (especially things that don't fit his expertise, such as travel supplies and workout gear). Dale places a lot of value in work and independence, so he's very fond and supportive of his wife. She's a good, safe person. He genuinely doesn't mind when she's away traveling... She's there just enough to be comforting without being around so often that she's super annoying. Dev would benefit from having more parental attention, but Dale does just fine, so clearly his son is fine too.

Despite the conflicts that crop up in their marriage (such as Hadley being a hoarder while Dale is neat and tidy), Dale has a lot of positive feelings towards Hadley. If a positive thought about her comes to mind while she's in the room, he'll just say it. Surprisingly, that's gotten him far in life.

If you get him started, he can gush on about how much he likes his wife, who is very cool and hot...... He'd just also be able to walk away from this relationship without being too bothered that it ended. They might be a little TOO independent...

The vibe here is definitely "Enjoy what you have while you have it." Neither of these people likes letting go of things, so they continue enjoying what they have.

Dale has an interesting quirk of referring to Hadley by name rather than labels like "my wife" due to her extreme determination to make a name for herself; she'll jump in to say her name if she's around when he does use a label like that. Sometimes he'll say "your mother" to Dev (in the same vein he told Dev to "listen to his business partner" in canon), but he's broken most of the "my wife" habit.

Dale is significantly more touchy-feely with Hadley in front of crowds or cameras than he is when they're at home. That is, he'll sit with her at a dining table, hold her hand, or even frog-jump right over her to chase something that caught his eye.

He isn't the most complimentary, he's not great at sharing the spotlight, and he doesn't always sing her due praises despite listing off the many businesses he owns, but he'll smile at, finger gun, throw his arm around, or openly flirt with her.

... If you can call it flirting.

Dale is not big on being lovey-dovey, but he'll play up the flirting when people are watching (Ex: Bragging during a press conference, pulling her right up against him at a party while telling someone she's cool, leaning on her, handing her the microphone with no warning, and dropping comments like "Aw, ain't she a doll?") I mean... that's what people on TV do, right? He also texts her photos of him scoring business deals and/or covering himself in money. Sometimes he just stares at her from afar. Wow... wife...

He tends to talk over Hadley in public- She often stutters and isn't as loud and dramatic as he is, so he'll swoop into her conversations (Sometimes throwing his elbow on her head or shoulder, leaning a lot of his weight on her). He has an equally bad habit of getting distracted and wandering away during events, leaving her to wrap up what she was doing and then look around in confusion for him.

They are sickeningly cute in matching pajamas, which is most likely to happen when Hadley's pulled the family together for a game night, video, or vacation. Dale will probably be on the couch scrolling through his phone, but he lets Hadley sit near him. Maybe even lay her head on him. Even Dev can wriggle up to him when he's in vacation mode... Dale is definitely more at ease when Hadley's taking charge and telling him what to say and do.

Again, Dale is chronically unable to convince himself he deserves rest. When Hadley's in charge and "makes him rest" as a family bonding activity, he's actually okay with that. He'll let Dev climb in his lap and snuggle. Dale's not incredibly affectionate even during holidays, but when you're Dev, you take what you can get.

Dale is prone to both hyperfixations and dissociation; sometimes he feels like seconds or minutes passed when really, it was hours. The au pairs keep him grounded enough to eat, but if he's left alone without them, Dale will completely zone out and neglect all his needs (from hunger to bathroom to hygiene... not to mention Dev in general).

Criticize him for Dev's impersonal, drone-related upbringing all you want, but the cursed alternative is "Dale fails to feed his hypoglycemic little boy, who has a seizure and no one's there." The au pairs are holding this family together... Lost chargers, power outages, and long road trips without electricity cause genuine anxiety in the Dimmadome household. A family of 3 who all have ADHD/OCD comorbidity can get by together, but the worst part about the au pairs is how reliant you end up on them...

Dale considers himself to be an attentive parent "when not working" and fails to recognize the impact his devotion to business-y things has on Dev's daily life.

Cross-reference with H.P., who avoids admitting family relations, actively pushes his offspring away when they touch him, will stay awake until everyone else in the room is asleep, and is always micromanaging. H.P. has a "Not ever; that's unprofessional" approach to touch and family attitudes while Dale's energy is along the lines of "Not now; I'm busy" and "I loved my dad, so Devin loves me" and /takes his son's arm and points at him- "I made this."

Dale wants to be a good dad... he just has skewed memories of what his own dad was like, he's bad at talking to children, and doesn't care if he secures money (i.e. safety) in immoral ways. There's a lot going on inside his head, and frankly... He's not going to listen to your critique. You don't know what he's dealing with. He's raising this kid his way. Money is safety. Safety is everything. Dev is doing fine.

Dale and Hadley are also that couple who, if you put them in a room with a bunch of other people to play games, will always team up. They didn't come here to make new friends... They don't trust like that. Partner with someone else?? You're asking a lot.

Dimmadelphia's ruthless power couple, everyone.

Often takes off his wedding ring for sensory reasons and forgets where he put it (Don't tell his wife) (Oh no, she's onto him).

Due to the triple combo of Dale not wearing his ring, walking around separately at events, and not calling her "my wife" in conversation, there are a lot of people who don't know he's married... Including every teacher Dev's ever had until they get the jumpscare of Hadley showing up for parent-teacher conferences. Many people consider Hadley Dale's personal assistant and don't connect the dots that she's Dev's mom. Yes, they're uncomfortable if Dale hints he's slept with her. Every now and then, Dale attends a social event where some widower or divorcee asks if he'd be interested in joining a singles support group (to his bafflement, and he always turns them down because they're clearly trying to scam him out of money). He's been asked out multiple times... and since he's not great at reading signals, he's inadvertently gone on many dates he thought were business meetings. Sometimes he brings Dev with him "so the kid can get some business experience." Dev can instantly clock when the vibes are flirty and will try to subtly get his dad's attention or cut in with a comment about his mom, but he's often ignored. Comedy of errors...

Betrothed to Hadley at age 19. They'd run in the same social circle all their life, so they were certainly aware of each other despite not being romantic. Well, Dale missed 7 years, but other than that...

Specifically, their dads worked this out as an option in their youth, pitched it to them individually, and they both accepted. Dale was relieved to marry someone from Dimmsdale. Doug definitely had some options from elsewhere in the country and Dale was nervous to meet new people and explain all his trauma. Hadley actually saw him during recovery, so he never had to get into detail, and she's pretty accommodating. They get along great.

Clarifying note: They weren't married until they were older, but the betrothal was locked in at that time since by age 19, it was time for Dale and Doug to nail down a plan. Since the Leadlys are multimillionaires rich enough for Leadly to drop 17 million on a spontaneous purchase ("Dog Gone"), one of his daughters was the ideal place to start asking.

Simple courtship. Mostly, Dale and Hadley continued seeing each other at the usual social gatherings, but slowly moved towards deeper talks about their future. Lots of showy gifts exchanged in the way you'd expect upper class kids to privately flirt.

Dale definitely took his time working up to, y'know... talking to people. Neither Dale nor Hadley trusts easily, both having come from families that raised them to be wary of someone taking advantage of them for wealth. However, their shared backgrounds and planned betrothal helped grow their trust in each other, leading to them both feeling very safe in the other's presence.

Ideal Relationship: Back in the day, Dale would've had a hard time putting into words what he wanted- He was just glad to have his life back. Hadley fits snugly in his life and is a lot of things he never would've thought to ask for.

Besides the obvious - i.e. non-abusive - she's pretty lax, likes to schedule, openly communicates, enjoys her personal space, and has done her utmost to make a name for herself without relying on her dad or husband. She has the right amount of "Likes things done her way" energy to parallel Dale's "After work, I don't want to think, so just tell me what to do" energy. Hadley's been to Texas many times (since Pencil Nexus has a branch there). She also loves hunting, which Dale (child of Doug he is) enjoys too. They share a lot of interests. She also indulges his boot-related fantasies, which he likes. Wouldn't trade her for anyone. He might leave her to live alone, but he wouldn't trade her.

The areas they clash most are Hadley's hoarding OCD - very frustrating for him since her stuff gets everywhere - her paranoia that Dale will cheat on her, and Dale not being emotionally there when Hadley wants a vacation.

Although Dale was a curious child who likes exploring, he lost a lot of that during his trauma. Hadley is much more adventurous than Dale is (both in terms of travel and their bedroom life). Dale does not budge easily from his comfort zone and he wouldn't mind if she slackened the reins.

Hadley would've loved to have more kids. On some level, Dale does equate more kids to being more successful and would enjoy having more of them in that regard (especially since he, his dad, his mom, and his grandparents were all only children- Dale has no cousins, uncles, or aunts and doesn't know how to talk to such people).

That said, Dale doesn't feel a specific desire for more kids. He's very hesitant to stray outside his safe zone, especially while his life is currently in balance. He'd definitely be the type to assume more kids will "fix things."

- He would've preferred waiting until he was older to have a kid if it weren't for the crushing weight of Daddy's Expectations looming in the background... Doug always found it weird that Hadley wanted to do business things (like run her own company) and not exclusively be a stay-at-home mom like his wife was. - Dale still tosses and turns over the fact that Doug never got to meet Dev... Daddy never got to see him "succeed at continuing the Dimmadome line"... He will never know if he's proud. It's fine. He's fine. He's actually over it, haha.

Sexuality: Unclear and generally unimportant- 7 years of trauma did a number on his ability to identify emotions or trust other people, and now he's married, so who cares? Not the best at reading the room. Or himself, for that matter.

Grew up in the '90s and 2000s, missed a bunch of school (health class included), wasn't raised in a home that discussed many options beyond growing up to marry a nice woman so he could continue the Dimmadome line... and frankly, if he thought about it and realized there's a chance he may not have ended up with a woman and had a kid, he'd probably have an anxiety attack. We Do Not Disappoint Daddy In This Household.

All this said, Dale is aware of some Pride symbols - mostly rainbows - due to the Pride rodeos held at the Dimmsdale Dimmadome every year he was growing up (They were quite popular in Los Angeles Dimmsdale throughout the 90s). He attended several in the early 2000s, including the 50 years of frozen time. -> Dale has very positive memories of attending rodeos and similar events with his dad, and was none too pleased when they were banned from Los Angeles Dimmsdale in December 2023. See also, "Dirty Roads and Sterile Hearts." Dale also played a lot of Sims games... Up to Sims 9 or 10, in fact, given how products kept coming out during the 50 years of frozen time. He's not oblivious to sexualities, but it's not something he likes thinking about in relation to himself. He'll sell rainbow things for money and be done with it. He's definitely in the camp of assuming everyone experiences attraction (and most emotions for that matter) the way he does... which is to say, very little on the attraction front. Romance plots in media are baffling to him. He's glimpsed some anime and manga through his wife and son, but he's not invested in Kennueth's romance arc (despite Dev thinking it's heart-wrenching and fun).

Dale tends to ask people to lunch or dinner if he finds them intriguing - maybe at a nice restaurant, maybe at his house... maybe at Dimm-'N-Out Burgers - but if you asked him if he was attracted to any of these people, he would say "Of course not- I'm married" or "That would be unprofessional."

The more he wants to impress and befriend you, the more anxious he feels. He definitely has a squish on Kevin Crocker. Dale doesn't care about most people, but when you have a mouth full of implants and you've built your own line of robots, the dentist-slash-fellow robotics expert from Archimedes U is high on the Cool People list.

From this post about Dale and Kevin going out to dinner

It's very possible that Kevin (who's happily married and monogamous with Chloe) is Dale's type, but who knows if Dale's that self-aware.

If he did, it probably wouldn't change how badly he wants to talk to Kevin about robots. Even in a universe where they did date (and subsequently break-up), Dale would follow him around asking robotics questions. Given his struggles of letting go of Vicky, you can bet he'd be equally fascinated by Kevin. Geek to geek communication; romance optional.

No one ever knows how Dale feels about people or where he hopes things will go... Not even Dale.

Intimate History: Sexually intimate with only one partner (His wife, Hadley).

Cherry lemon ship masterpost

Didn't date anyone while in post-trauma recovery, and by the time he was ready to think about his intimate future, his dad already had betrothal options in mind. Dale accepted, never dated anyone, and never looked back.

Despite his unintended not-business dates, some odd workplace conversations, a few awkward doorstep encounters, aggressively flirtatious Amanda Killman, and people who are genuinely trying to seduce him just for money, he is completely faithful to his wife. Why wouldn't he be? He distrusts everyone equally and was probably backing away even before he realized they were flirting.

If you think this man is going to follow someone he doesn't trust with his life to a private location, think again... You have no choice but to flirt with him in front of his employees, weird drones who could probably fling you into the distance, his wife, or his son. You're dang right the office door is staying open.

No, you're not sharing the bed on this business trip. You can have it and he'll find another hotel. He will pry you off with a crowbar or drag you to the front desk before he ends up in a room with you alone. Don't test the man.

Turn-Ons: Prefers knowing what to expect- Giving him a schedule or explanation note in advance is practically a must. If you try to surprise him with spontaneity, he'll be fidgety and anxious the whole time. Feels most comfortable being told exactly what to do.

Dale: We should have a 24/7 total power exchange dynamic. Hadley: We're not doing that. Dale: Welp, not arguing with a bossy lady. Whatever you say...

Loves animal print and ranch-themed cosplay... It's really hot when his wife shoots a gun while wearing denim, cowgirl fringes, and rhinestone-coated boots tbh. Actually, can we keep the boots in the room? You... you can just put them on top of him. Please do that. Hadley, come back-

Very into recording videos of himself and/or Hadley covered in money, but has absolutely stopped Dev from browsing that au pair's collection in the nick of time. Dale is bad at many things, but his uncanny ability to cross paths with Dev .4 seconds before disaster is unparalleled.

Children: Dev Dimmadome

Dev gets most of his looks from Dale, though he has some of Hadley's tufts and curls (plus her body type).

... Sorry? Did you say someone on the family tree seems to be missing? That doesn't sound familiar.

Notable Grandchildren: I've heard Dale's obsessed with finding "the lost Dimmadome heir," whatever that means... I think Dev's profile might have more info for you there.

Father: Doug Dimmadome

Grandfather: Duncan "Development" Dimm Grandmother: Griselda "Penny" Dimm (née Huber) Notable Ancestors: Dale Dimm, Francis Macdome Dimm, Dimmalonius

Mother: Pearl Dimmadome (née Doe)

Pearl disappeared around the same time Dale went missing, leading many (including Doug) to wonder if she'd taken her young son and run off.

Grandfather: Cassias "Cash" Doe Grandmother: Aurelia "Goldie" Doe (née Astor) NOTE - No relation to John and Jane Doe from A New Wish at this time (Hazel's landlord & landlady; parents of the twins). The surname Doe is a play on "dough" being a word for money, which fits the name scheme of old money families we know. If we don't get a Season 2, I'll likely connect them (since John's hair gives me Buxaplenty vibes anyway and I think it would be interesting to play with that), but there's a chance they're aliens or something. No known relation, but this could change (and possibly land Dale with cousins) in a future update to this profile.

Fairy Godfather: [REDACTED]

Hmm... I think he was green?

Pixie Godfather: Fergus Whimsifinado (H.P.)

Met at some point. Memories are fuzzy...

Wife: Hadley Harrington (née Leadly)

- Met in early childhood. Grew up in the same social circle and saw each other at fancy parties. - Hadley used the surname Leadly in her early years, only taking her mother's name after the divorce

Celebrity Crushes: Why would he crush on someone when he's richer and better than all of them?

Current Love Interest: ........ Still Hadley? Unclear.

Other Important Relationships: 

Vicky Aingeal - Dale's childhood best friend since he was 6. They spent a few years playing together (and doing school projects) before The Incident that spiraled into a cover-up... and the lemon drama.

Related Works: "50 Words of Dale and Vicky," Lemonade and Papercuts, "You Deserve It."

Despite years of abuse beneath Vicky's hand, Dale had a very hard time adjusting to life without her. During recovery, he met up with her a few times in a desperate attempt to convince himself she felt bad for what she did and didn't mean to hurt her best friend. Because... she did. She... can't NOT regret what she put him through...

Dale cared deeply for Vicky and doesn't think of himself as someone who would betray his BFF... An emotion that's side by side with the desire to scream and hurt her just to give her a taste of what she put him through. His trauma haunted him for years (and still haunts him as an adult) as he's very broken up about what happened to him. -> He often blames himself. Ex: "She cares about me. She was only mean because I put her in a bad situation. If I'd been a better friend, she wouldn't have gotten upset with me." As he's gotten older, Dale's stopped clinging to those rose-colored glasses as much as he used to. He still feels awful and conflicted about what happened (and is quicker to find fault with his actions than Vicky's). Since his father's dead and Dale still feels like he never lived up to Daddy's expectations, there's a part of Dale that desperately wants Vicky to apologize and rekindle their friendship... She was his friend. He's supposed to hate her. He'd be reluctant to trust, but would probably hear her out if she asked him too. An apology would likely bring him to his knees, spitting and sobbing and screaming at the overwhelming emotions slamming over him... That's rough, buddy. -> See also, this comic I drew of City Lights Dale and Vicky hanging out at a party after A New Wish Season 1.

Ed Leadly - His father-in-law! ... Dale is overly showy and trips-over-his-feet-attentive to Hadley when her dad is around. Do you have any idea how many trees that man cuts down for pencils? Dimmsdale's [presumably magical] forest is literally kept in check because of Pencil Nexus ("The Boss of Me").

Yeah, we don't pick fights with the CEO of axe-wielding. Leadly is not afraid to hunt, chop wood, hunt, gut animals, or otherwise get his hands dirty and Dale is very afraid of him.

Remy Buxaplenty - A frequent contact. They do a lot of shipping-related business together (Remy with trains, Dale with drones).

Remy's also a long-time friend of Hadley's, so he's one of Dale's most common associates in personal life as well.

Timmy Turner - Not close in Timmy's youth, but once Timmy turned 18 (and forgot the magic parts of his childhood), he got into hunting with Sparky. Dale and Hadley were also hunters and let him join their trips several times. They consider each other buddies.

Dale doesn't hold Timmy up on a pedestal- As far as he's concerned, he got himself out of the lemon pit- Timmy's just the guy who let him eat and wash up while waiting for his dad to drive over. But they do know each other and crossed paths on occasion. Timmy knows Dale better due to Timmy living a double life as the mysterious benefactor who throws Septimberfest every year ("Momnipresent").

Amanda Killman (Sigh) - Another wealthy individual in the tech field. Amanda blatantly finds Dale attractive and has no shame in admitting it (or coming onto him). Dale thinks she's a creep and avoids her whenever possible. Hadley distrusts her and is paranoid her husband will cheat on a business trip someday.

Mikey Munroe (& Bunsen) - Met him a few times while his parents were installing security systems; Mikey followed in his parents' footsteps with Bunsen right behind him. Dale does not like either of them, but that doesn't stop Mikey from talking his ear off or trying to "fix" everything in his house. He does think Mikey's parents' drones are neat, though.

Dale can't deliver products to Beast World directly because there are no Beast portals in California, but Mikey orders things on their behalf and sends them through Muckledunk's portals.

Mikey and Bunsen have been trying to hang out with Dale for ages. They bounce around him when they visit (usually to install security or show him broken robots) and have a long history of sending Waffle House coupons in the mail. Every week. For 22 years. There are no Waffle Houses in California. Where do they even get these? Say one thing for Dale, though- He's better than many big companies at acknowledging the existence of the Beasts living both under and aboveground. Beast World is still a largely untapped market and he incorporates them into his campaign plans (and presumably, that's what he thought Danky was). Fun timeline note: Mikey didn't know Bunsen during the 50 years of repeating time, as Bunsen only met him after meeting Cosmo at Creature Con. Beasts were driven underground during the 2nd Creature War (See The Fae Wars) and have only been allowed aboveground for ~21 years as of A New Wish. Many places still don't trust or cater to them, but Dale will chase whatever makes him money. His old money friends are horrified, but he's pretty pleased with himself. Every now and then, someone tells Dale to "go to Hell" to which he responds "I'm already there and I'm making a killing."

TRIVIA

- Dale's MBTI is ISTJ while Hadley's is ESTJ. They're very similar people, though Hadley's definitely the more outgoing.

- I'm not yet consistent with my Dale design, but my vision is that the younger he is, the more front hair puffs he has (i.e. losing them slowly over time, not all at once). He pulls his hair a lot, but it grows back.

- I based his signature off an image I found of Steve Jobs' signature, which was all lowercase letters with a big dot on the j.

- Read his fair share of Crash Nebula and Crimson Chin comics as a kid. His collection was mostly tossed during his lemonade factory absence.

- Grew up around cows, horses, pigs, sheep, goats, and cattle dogs; went to the state fair with his dad every year growing up. The Dimmsdale Dimmadome hosted many rodeos over the decades.

- Walks on tiptoe more than you might think. It's a habit from his old days of exploring and trying not to get too dirty.

- No cousins. Has distant extended family he may refer to as uncle, aunt, or cousin colloquially, but they're not close.

- Dale will eat just about anything (Preferably lactose-free, though he's been desperate enough to eat that too), but he especially likes charcuterie boards, chips and salsa, carrots and ranch... Really, anything he can dip to feel "luxurious." Big fan of chocolate fountains- He gets really into carefully coating things. Dev has a lot of good memories of chocolate-coated marshmallows with Dad.

- Greatly enjoys beef and steak. Ate a lot of it thanks to Dimmadome Farms... In fact, he might like hamburgers a little too much (and even founded his own burger chain).

- He's lactose intolerant (and passed the gene to Dev).

- Often eats with his hands when alone (Ex: Spaghetti)- a leftover habit from not having silverware underground.

- Doesn't like the color green (Vicky's shirt). It's not a trigger- He just thinks the color's unpleasant.

- He's a card counter. It's a skill he picked up very fast, and the real trick is slipping under the radar. ADHD/OCD comorbidity + aggressive business instinct + 50 years of frozen time go brrrr...

- Has a weird relationship with holidays. Dislikes Halloween and April Fools Day - Neither is great for relaxing - but he does enjoy Christmas and Valentine's Day. While he's not the best at being emotionally present, he can follow the script for getting gifts. He's a lot more likely to be with family around Christmas, lured in by his wife's holiday video requests and the socially acceptable time of year to take a break.

Valentine's Day is a breeze- He has few qualms about spending money on expensive chocolates and big flower displays and they don't even need to be tailored to Hadley's personality. She both enjoys it personally and makes videos about his gifts. Black Friday weekend (Up through Cyber Monday) is a very busy time of year. Founder's Day also hits that time of year, so there's a lot to think about. Fortunately, no Dimmadomes have birthdays or anniversaries around then.

- Makes schedules he's bad at sticking to. Tends to go off-script, but at least the act of making them gives comfort in the moment.

- Constantly berating himself for not being "clever enough" or "productive enough" to be "more successful."

- Has a bad habit of running out in rain or snow without dressing for cold weather. He went without for so long...

- Scary in a fight. Although his build is thin, he's tall, broad-shouldered, and isn't afraid to listen to his survival instinct. He'll slam his elbows on you, bite, twist your arms, go for your face... Whatever it takes. Not a sleeping bear you want to poke.

- Tends to bite his nails, scratch or pick his skin, and pull out his hair. Tends to nibble on his hair, but gelling it back really helps.

- Has mild claustrophobia, though not as bad as it once was. He does fine in elevators, but tunnels and the underground make him uneasy. He sleeps with a nightlight, but doesn't mind dim light as long as he can see. However, he hates sleeping near windows.

- Contrary to everyone's belief, he actually does know his son's birthday and all his dietary needs. In fact, Dale is VERY paranoid that Dev will go into a seizure or die due to his hypoglycemia (and that was a big reason to build the au pairs in the first place).

- Owns a pair of similar-looking boots without spurs for safety in crowds, but good luck getting him to wear them.

- Simultaneously loves and loathes hunting... Misophonia be like that, but he wasn't gonna tell his dad it's hard for him.

- Has his anniversary date engraved on the inside of his ring.

- Running gag of Dale being a better parent when he's multitasking: Reaching over to seatbelt Dev while talking on the phone, catching Dev by the back of the collar before he can run into the street, covering Dev's eyes whenever they walk past a scantily clad advertisement even if his eyes were downcast the whole scene, picking him up to carry him across a dangerous or sopping wet part of the hiking trail even if he's checking stocks, or sensing Dev's about to eat something with lactose before Dev does. Parental instinct finds a way...

- If he's not on a call, he plays music to block out noises that trigger his misophonia. If he's in a bad enough mood, he'll be upset those songs bother him too.

- Dale and Hadley both like wearing cowboy hats and boots, especially when they visit Texas. A lot of their promotional images (as well as digital wallpapers) depict them in such clothes.

While Dale doesn't have a family photo as his phone background, he does have one on a laptop he only uses for family-related things (e.g. Scheduling vacations, checking on Hadley's businesses, making donations to Dev's school). It's... everyone sitting on a bench in boots, and the boots are the centered part. Close enough.

APPEARANCES

Main Blog Tag: #Dale Dimmadome owner of Dimmadome Global

Sideblog Tag: #RD Dale

AO3 Tag - #Dale Dimmadome

Dale makes most of his appearances in City Lights AU, with minor appearances in Cloudlands AU's Along the Cherry Lane and 130 Reasons Why I'm Fairy Trash.

His most notable appearance in the latter series is "You Deserve It," where he's the POV character, talks with Timmy, reunites with family, and attends his first fancy social gathering after escaping Vicky.

He's the protagonist of Lemonade and Papercuts and the antagonist of Dev's life... just in general.

Sideblog Masterpost

[jqmalikhsgib]

quest

ten

feeling someone try and climb into the bed woke you up. you looked down and smiled when you see your shy boy. laughing you look down before picking him up gently.

“hi, baby. what are you doing up so early?”

he just cuddles you before trying to grab his fathers hand. aaron grunts as he gently opens his eyes and smiles.

it had been a few weeks since your first appointment at marriage counseling. the two of you have become a little bit stronger. you were both still trying to navigate your relationship.

aaron’s been more attentive. he’s also taken time off. letting derek and dave handle everything unless he was extremely needed.

“good morning, theo. how’s my boy?”

“papa, sleepy?”

aaron chuckles. “not too sleepy for you. hungry baby?”

theo nods.

“ill go make breakfast.” you were about to get outta bed before aaron stops you. “ill make breakfast. you and the kids relax.”

“aaron—”

aaron shakes his head. he kissed you gently before getting out of bed and heading downstairs. currently you were packing. finding a house big enough for your family.

you and aaron had money, sure. with aaron growing up wealthy his father left him, his mother, and his brother quite a lot of money. aaron’s grandparents did the exact same. leaving them to never have to worry about anything.

you on the other hand had just come from money. receiving everything that your father left behind. including the house back in texas. but he also had homes all around the world, including a home near quantico.

it’s already been paid off and it has nine bedrooms. big enough for everyone to have there own room and possibly even have more children, which is something aaron needed to discuss with you in the near future.

once aaron finished making breakfast he ran upstairs and smiles when he sees you cuddled up to all your children. he loved having his family back together. even more so having three new children the two of you created together.

his family

though he thinks a lot about the woman that’s missing, haley. she should be here. alive and well. she would have loved theo, izzy, and roe. so much so she would have offered to take them along with jack even if they weren’t hers biologically.

not because she didn’t think you couldn’t handle it. but to give you a little break to yourself. she would have given you pointers and you would have taken them. the two of you would probably be closer than before. bonding over the love you have for the children in your lives.

haley loved you so much. you were a huge part of jack’s life. she loved how much you loved her son. in fact the day she died she told aaron to find you. to not let jack lose two moms.

“daddy!” isabella yelled when she spots her dad in the doorway.

the rest of his family looks at him lovingly. he climbs into bed and kisses his kids.

“good morning. breakfast is ready.”

jack was the first one downstairs. he was very hungry. you and aaron laugh as you grab the triplets and head downstairs.

you all enjoyed breakfast together. laughing and giggling. the day was starting off perfect. what you didn’t know was aaron had made plans for you two. he wanted to take you out without the kids.

normally when you go out the kids are around. but he had called both jessica and jj to come and take care of your four children. hoping jj was free the whole day so jessica didn’t have to take care of four children alone, though she had stated plenty of times that she was more than happy to and was more than capable. he just didn’t want to overwhelm her.

with jj having two kids, and one more on the way, he thought having her around to help would be great for jessica.

“jack?”

“yea dad?”

“could you take your siblings to the play room while mom and i clean this up?”

jack nods. he grabs his siblings as he heads the the play area.

“what was that about?”

aaron holds your hand.

“just—we don’t ever get any alone time.”

you scoff playfully. “we have four children, aaron. hard to get that.”

“i know. but if we’re gonna do this, restart everything, we should probably have more time to ourselves, don’t you think?”

“what do you suggest?”

aaron smiles. he kisses the top of your head before he continues to the dishes. you eye him suspiciously.

“what are you up to mister hotchner?”

aaron smirks. “it’s a surprise misses hotchner.”

no matter how many times you hear it your heart skips a beat. being called misses hotchner has always made you feel giddy.

“fine, don’t tell me.”

he chuckles while you help him finish up the dishes.

that night, after a grocery store run, without the kids because aaron insisted they stay with him while you have a little break, when you got home it was quiet.

it made you nervous. you hadn’t been use to the silence in so long.

“aaron?”

when you got no word from him you immediately locked the door and called him.

“hotchner?”

“aaron, where are you?”

“go upstairs.”

you frowned. heading upstairs you walked into your shared bedroom and seen the most beautiful silver dress you had ever seen. you runs your fingers over it.

“do you like it?”

“aaron! it’s beautiful.”

“you better get dressed, angel. we got a date tonight. just you and i.”

“what about the kids?”

“jessica and jj are watching them while i take my lovely wife out on a date she deserves. we got two years to make up for. im gonna make up for it in one night.”

you giggle. “okay, big boy. don’t get ahead of yourself.”

aaron just chuckles. “get dressed and meet me at our favorite spot. you still remember don’t you?”

“of course.”

“see you soon, misses hotchner.”

the line soon goes dead. you squeal like a teenager finally going on her first date with the guy she’s been crushing on for years before getting ready.

when you arrived at your favorite restaurant, the same one aaron proposed, you saw eyes on you. granted you looked like a movie star, you were still very shy.

when aaron sees you he couldn’t keep his eyes off. it was like your first date all over again.

“wow.”

“is it too much?”

aaron shakes his head. “absolutely not. you look breathtaking. everything about you is just—im one lucky man, huh?”

“im one lucky woman. look at you. the glasses are—”

“yeah? this doing it for you?” he laughs.

“absolutely.”

the two of you sit across from each other. aaron had already ordered a bottle of wine.

“i figured white wine would do. unless you want red, darling.”

you shook your head. “this is just fine. thank you.”

the two of you continue to have conversation. talking about the kids and the big move. aaron even discussed work. how a lot of cases were hard but others he took home with him. you listened intensely. once the two of you ordered he begins talking about the time you were gone.

it upset you at how much you missed. in aaron’s life and in jacks. but he kept letting you know that it was passed. the two of you should focus on the new beginnings of your lives and still be able to enjoy the stories you get to tell each other when being apart

when your food arrived you continued to catch up. it was like a new start. it felt good to talk to aaron again. not that you haven’t since being back. but it was always someone around. rather that be your therapist or your children. now you get alone time to just chat.

“how was the team? during everything?”

“they were tip-toying around me. trying to tread lightly. making sure i didn’t get upset or triggered.”

“im sorry you had to go through that. i should have—”

“hey, stop! remember.”

you hummed. “i know. just feel guilty.”

“well you shouldn’t. we both made mistakes. we talk about it every week. no need to talk about it here, with each other. we’re okay.” aaron smiles as he grabs your hand gently. he kisses the back of it to get you to smile gently.

aaron has always been affectionate. but recently it was different. though he kiss you on the cheek, forehead, behind your ear or hand the two of you never actually kissed each other on the mouth.

you weren’t in any rush. but you felt like he was hiding something. you weren’t a profiler but you knew your husband. you were giving him time to completely open up to you. hopefully he would eventually.

when you both hear his phone ring he frowns. he was still using his vacation time. when he sees it’s jj he panics a little.

“jj? are the kids okay?”

this made your heart beat. hoping that your children were safe. aaron’s usual scowl back in tune.

“yes, i understand. ill be right there.” he ended the call and sighs.

“im so sorry, yn. it’s a case involving a boy. he’s a little bit older than jack. i gotta—”

your heart broke just hearing that. you couldn’t imagine what the parents were going through. if something happened to jack or any of your babies you don’t think you’d be able to handle it.

“no, don’t apologize. go!”

“thank you.” he kisses the top of your head. he goes to pay the bill before you head out yourself. suddenly needing to just hug and kiss your babies.

sorry ive been gone for a little while. dealing with family drama kinda sucks the soul out of writing! but im back with a new part

yes i changed the title again. wasn’t really feeling like doing the whole song title anymore

please let me know if you wanna be added or unadded to any of my stories taglist!

taglist:

@ivebeenthearchersstuff @shergoretzxx @slut4ethan @rosiehale23 @madesavage05 @whotfskai @vodkori @zaddyhotch @14buddy22