#the lesson being: sometimes you cannot stop people from being hurt even if you really really love them and it would make you sad

[july-19th-club]

the brilliance of mystery spot, in the canon of famous time loops, is that your ordinary time loop ending is like, the final thing that the characters need to solve or defeat in the story in order to move on. in mystery spot, the time loop ends halfway through the episode and then things stop being fun in any way and just get a thousand times worse . the time loop was a lesson, punishment, ironic/poetic situation, sure, but in its own repetitive way it was also protecting the characters, keeping them from having to face the consequences by always resetting them to a time before disaster strikes. breaking out of the loop only makes disaster more permanent, and then you find out that they're just in a longer version of the loop

[ask-whitepearl-and-steven]

I want you to know I respect your opinion and at the end of the day you can do whatever you want on your own page, which I love all the art you do. Your White Diamond AU is so remarkable I've added it to my own headcanon idea of Steven meeting his alternate selves.

With that said, why are you responding to posts or asks that talk about blatant shattering of other gems? Real SU fans don't immediately go "death to the enemy." Real SU fans understand that SU is about love, acceptance, second chances, and pacifism. I'll admit, there have been more idiots in the fandom since the show's end, but in my humble opinion, it's best to not give any of them attention, even if they are annoying.

Sorry if I sound rude, I just didn't get responding to that one ANONYMOUS comment.

It's not rude at all! And it's a great question! One I understand the reasoning of.

But I have my own reasoning for doing the things I do.

Mainly, I think that while ignoring SOME behaviors is definitely good.... talking about OTHER behaviors actively is the fastest and healthiest way to immunize the greater community against them.

Let me explain.

I've been in this fandom a long time now, and I agree with you - there's a solid possibility, a real chance that whoever sent that message is just a passing non-fan who decided to be weirdly edgy in my inbox. No big deal. It happens.

But in my experience, the SU fandom is.... wide and varied. There are people of all ages, and many opinions. It would be easier, of course, if the only 'true fans' were those who perfectly understood the show's themes. But to me, that veers dangerously close to a No True Scotsman type of thinking. The reality is that many different people watch SU. And while many of them do inherently agree with the message and understand the nuance, many more just watch the show because... they like the surface level graphics and cool fights and interesting worldbuilding. In fact, many of the show's fans are edgy teens (sorry edgy teens) who are in a life-stage where violence and being strong and cool and decisive in a morally black and white manner is the only way they can possibly imagine solving any problem. And... that's kinda the opposite of what SU teaches! But that's also the point. SU teaches those things on purpose.

And yeah, I can absolutely just ignore this part of the population. But ignoring a behavior does not actually make it go away 100% of the time. If a child in a supermarket comes up to you and starts smacking you with a wooden spoon from Aisle 4, then... sure... you can ignore them and see if their parent comes to get them, or they go away, especially if it's a very small child and they're not hurting you a lot.

But that's not the only option. You can ALSO opt to teach them - and any other spoon-wielding children watching - what COULD happen if they are crude or cruel to a stranger in public. Namely, you can snap 'stop it' and at the very least glare at that child. This is a lesson that will arguably teach them more about the interaction than a complete lack of reaction would.

Now, I'm not saying people who send me asks are all children and I'm doling out some moral lessons here. This is just a metaphor.

I'm simply a person in a social space (tumblr) who is driving my own blog. And while I DO ignore a very large part of cruel/rude asks I get (trust me, I do ignore many!) I sometimes also just post a reply to show what ELSE could happen if you say a borderline silly and arguably tonally inappropriate ask to a person. You could get replied to! In a sarcastic or snappy manner!

And maybe - just maybe - the other people reading my blog can learn something from the experience, and think 'ah, so doing it like THAT will maybe make people kinda annoyed, now I know and will not do that'.

I cannot deny that overall I agree with you, though. I don't think that these types of messages deserve attention on the regular. But I'd hope that my replies to these things are not really... regular. I ignore probably... 80% of these sort of things? I guess maybe it just feels like a lot less, since, well. The public ones are 100% of the ones you get to see!

[bonefall]

it is healing to come onto this blog and see basic respect for diasbility after being in other corners of the fandom and reading the words “snowkit could never be a warrior because he wouldnt know what anything is. he wouldnt even know what a clan is because nobody could explain it to him” said in full seriousness

Im..... That statement is so ableist I cannot even imagine the worldview you'd need to have in order to come up with that.

They really think the only way anyone learns anything is through verbal-speaking-words-noises? No one has ever observed something before? Not even once?

This is beyond touching grass, this person just fell out of the fucking Jurassic Period when all they had was ferns and stegosaurs.

I just...

OH YES. I remember my first day of Society Lessons as a hearing person, where the everything was explained to me. Via Audiobook. FIRST they spoke and said, "you are standing on the ground." It was a life changing revelation, and the world began to spin.

But it did not stop.

THEN they said, "there are fingers on your hands." The sensation of flesh and bone crackling into existence is indescribable, but I did not yet know pain, until they told me, "that hurts." I began screaming immediately.

And yet... it continued.

They explained so much. Chairs. Tables. Walls. The sky. Frogs. Ionizing radiation. Breathing. I was told all of it, in one sitting, and only then did I understand. Only when my ears were bursting with normal hearing knowledges, did they begin... my final test.

A strange wall-chair-finger emerged from the sky-of-the-wall, stood on the ground several times, until it was in front of me. A second one came behind it, this one slimmer. The audiobook gave these things names;

Human. Father. Mother. Door. Walking. It was completely impossible to know what these things were until that very moment.

I watch a human dip a hook into water and produce a fish, and I recall my Society Lessons where they called that "fishing." I am decked in the face by a nefarious hooligan, and I have only the audiobook to thank when I know I have been "punched" by a "bad guy." It was only the magic of verbal-speaking-words-noise that made me understand that there are "other people" and that they "do stuff."

Sometimes, even, in "groups."

Before the Society Lessons Audiobook, I knew nothing. I was pure, innocent, uncorrupted by concepts such as "parents" and "door." I am grateful every day that there is no such concept as "being shown things" or "simple logical reasoning" or "looking."

Blessed be those amongst us who escape the horrors of the Society Lessons Audiobook. I pray that you never learn what anything is. Be free! Free as a bird, which also knows nothing and famously cannot learn. 🤗

DEAF/HOH FOLLOWERS I'm losing my mind do you want me to bump a 'Hearing Disabilities Herb Guide' to the top of my priorities? Something you can use to bludgeon whackadoodles like that. This is ridiculous

Obviously not a MEDICINE guide but like; common causes of hearing disability in clan cats. Accommodations for hearing loss vs congenital deafness. Actual difficulties of not having that sense Clan-by-Clan. Debunking of misconceptions like... not being able to learn APPARENTLY.

[jadeacereigen]

i also always felt like the fandom depicting reigen's childhood as abusive and neglectful never really quite fit. i know that most of it is probably just projection, and it's something i really understand because i've done it before with other characters.

i feel like there's a difference between giving a character trauma that makes sense when taking their canon self into account and giving a character trauma for other unrelated reasons, like comfort or even for fun, to be able to explore the scenarios that would come with it. both are very valid. let the people do what they want, y'know?

but something i feel like people tend to gloss over sometimes is that parents can fuck up when raising you and still not be outright shitty evil people. they can judge you on your career choices and still love you. your friends can make an off the cuff comment that ends up sticking with you in a bad way without realizing, people can suck at showing they care about you while still caring about you, they can be imperfect just as much as you are. it's their first time on this earth too. and it doesn't excuse the times they may have hurt you or made you feel bad about yourself, but it's up to you if you wanna keep them in your life. everyone can change, but that's also up to them.

it gives reigen an added charm [or should i say humanity?], to know that he is a flawed person and that it stems from the things that happened when he was younger, and the people that were in his life, and to know that things don't need to be catastrophic for them to affect and/or change you, whether good or bad. it's a good thing to remember i think. to know that there's so many greys between the white and black. that he has layers. his experiences are very valid.

anywho. sorry for the long ramble i just had to get this out there hehe.

ask game time!!!! 25, 9 and 22

Oh my god no don't apologize you're so right. I agree 100% so I'm gonna answer with my own long ramble.

(Discussions of child abuse below, though nothing that's not present in MP100 canon.)

Yes, it almost feels like people want to dismiss all flawed parenting and strained relationships between parent and child as abuse. There's certainly something very wrong with Reigen and his parents' relationship but I'm gonna be honest, I don't understand how people can find redemption in Toichiro who literally beat up his own son but then at the same time demonize Reigen's parents for the crime of disapproving his life as a CONMAN.

Yes, Reigen actually helps his clients and refuses to take money for things he cannot fix, but he's an incredibly special case and his parents are like most people who have no clue that the supernatural is even real. I personally think IRL psychics are full of shit and prey on the naive and emotionally vulnerable. If I had a kid who quit their normal job and spent all their savings to become a psychic I would not be happy with them! I would hope I wouldn't be as cold and that they wouldn't live in fear of my messages to them but I would definitely be encouraging them to stop that shit and get a "real job". To think that his parents should support his choices in life when he's pretending to be a psychic with no additional context is wild to me. (Also, I can't find the translation anymore but Reigen says in the fanbook that his mom thinks he's being tricked into doing his current job.) Again, they could go about this in a much better way but this disapproval does not inherently point to abuse.

(Sorry this rant got very long so everything else is below the cut.)

I think the biggest thing that points to Reigen's parents not being as awful as they are in fan content is that even after Reigen gets publicly exposed for being a con artist, his mom does tell him to learn his lesson from this but she also takes the time to prepare him an apology, tells him that he should come home (instead of telling him he's not welcome home/disowning him) and emphasizes that she's on his side. Maybe you could consider that the bare minimum of a decent parent but this to me just doesn't feel like she's the hateful abusive mother so often depicted. She could be warmer about it but she's obviously super concerned and wants Reigen to know she cares about him regardless of his actions.

(As for his dad, all we know is that he and Reigen don't talk to each other at all and that he thinks Reigen is unemployed. This relationship is definitely worse than Reigen and his mom's but there's little to go off of in terms of if his dad is a terrible parent or not. His mom seems to think he's worried about Reigen and that would definitely not surprise me.)

In terms of how Reigen feels about his parents, in the fanbook he acknowledges that there have been misunderstandings from both sides and that he'd like to talk things out with them and visit them more often. That's such a real thing lots of people can relate to and I'd love to see that get explored! I want to see Reigen patch things up with his parents! Maybe I'll write out my stupid fic idea for it idk.

I also don't want to stereotype but I am from an East Asian family myself and grew up surrounded by others so I feel like it's safe for me to say that Reigen's parents really remind me of your typical older generation of Asian parents. (Reigen was born in 1984 so his parents would definitely be of the boomer ilk, potentially even the Silent Generation if they had him on the older side.) Reigen also says in the fanbook that his parents are very serious people. Oftentimes with that older generation they just don't really show their care the way you'd normally see it. There may never be any "I love yous" but they'll cut you a plate of fruit without you asking or remember the show you liked 10 years ago and assume you're still into it...

Of course, parental norms in a culture don't justify hurtful parenting. (I mean just watch Everything Everywhere All At Once if you want to see the pain of having a disapproving Asian parent despite knowing they love you and just want what they think is best for you.) His mom fussing over his job and his lack of a girlfriend may be a super "Asian parent" thing, but it definitely hurts Reigen's feelings and she should cut that out. So yeah, Reigen's parents could do a lot better in terms of making Reigen feel supported and loved regardless if they approve of his life choices or not, but Reigen wants to patch things up with them for a reason and I'm hopeful that they can all reach a better understanding with each other.

One thing I also wish the anime showed was that Reigen's mom talks to him on the phone after Separation Arc! We see that in this omake:

Reigen definitely didn't tell his parents his phone number or his home address if his mom had to resort to emailing his business address just to talk to him. But I like to think that after Separation Arc he started letting his mom into his life a bit more...

God this was such a long rant, I'm sorry. One final thing before I get to your questions is that if we really need abusive parents to hate, Teru's non-present parents are ripe for the picking... Just saying.

(ask game)

I'm assuming you mean Reigen for all of these btw

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Gosh I initially thought he was just a silly goofy character who could be annoying and pathetic at times, but I enjoyed his presence on-screen. Then he got deeper in the Season 1 finale and showed just how much he truly cared about Mob... That part definitely got me shook. He only got better and better from there and now he's one of my favorite characters in the story.

9. Could you be roommates with this character?

Jesus christ uh I definitely don't think he'd be a bad roommate and we'd probably get along just fine but I also think I'd annoy the shit out of him. I'm not the best at keeping my space neat and clean. Also the thought of meeting Reigen in person is actually terrifying... Reigen should never exist outside the world of fiction because his pure chaos would be too much for reality.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

Hmm I answered what I don't like last time, but I do like fics that explore his relationship with Mob or Serizawa. I also like seeing him confront more of his personal issues and grow as a person even if he gets a little hurt in the process-

[m1edemafc]

blog navigation!

heya, thanks for stopping by my blog! i mostly made this because interacting on ao3 is a bit of a pain sometimes, and it's easier for me to take prompts/requests/questions on tumblr.

i'm so happy to take requests, so feel free to drop any prompts or requests! i'm not inherently opposed to writing anything, but forewarning, i hate every piece of smut i've ever written so it's highly unlikely that i'll publish anything with substantial smut. not ruling it out completely but it's just ~very~ unlikely.

these are my current works, you can find them all on ao3! unless it's a headcannon, my work will only ever be published on ao3. sorry to all the tumblr fic readers out there, but i promise ao3 is fairly easy to navigate even as a guest.

masterlist:

lucy bronze/ona battle

all these people think love's for show, but i'd die for you in secret

tags: established relationship, fluff, domestic fluff, karaoke

status: work in progress, eight chapters

jana fernández/jill roord

my heart has been split open (you see everything i'm hoping)

tags: hurt/comfort, acl injury, angst, fluff

status: coming soon, one shot

keira walsh/laura feiersinger

i just want to know you better (know you better now)

tags: 5+1 things, situationship, getting together, kind of a slow burn?

status: complete, one shot

mapi león/ingrid engen

let our hearts be the only sound

tags: established relationship, proposal, fluff

status: complete, one shot

alexia putellas/jenni hermoso

you'll find that you were never not mine

series: inked on my soul

tags: alternate universe, tattoo artist jenni, footballer alexia, getting back together, jealousy 

status: complete, one shot

fc barcelona femení

bilbao is one hell of a drug

tags: uefa womens champions league, winning

status: complete, seven chapters

alessia russo/leah williamson

hearts collide, souls intertwine

series: country girls universe

tags: kid fic, forced roommates, getting together, potential slow burn (i haven't decided)

status: coming soon

the way the moonlight dances in your eyes

series: country girls universe

tags: kidfic, fluff, literally just fluff, new kit pics!!

status: one shot, complete

caroline graham hansen/marta torrejón

forever is in your eyes

tags: kid fic, post retirement, marriage, domestic fluff

status: coming soon, one shot collection

a little about me:

i'm a 23 year old gemini vegetarian from australia! i've been an arsenal fan (both women and men) for quite a while now, but recently become a barca femeni fan. obviously being australian, i am a huge huge fan of the matildas (less so a socceroos fan tho, but up the boys).

although i love football, i am the least coordinated person and have not ever played football outside of pe lessons in school. i grew up as a competitive swimmer before i quit when i was 16 and i also played a few seasons of club netball during high school (i was not that great). i mostly am a pilates girlie now, but also have decided to start running this year and am running my first 14k race in august (please cross your fingers that i make it out alive).

although i've been an avid fic reader for over a decade across quite a few fandoms, i only started writing fic this year. that mostly happened because i've been on somewhat of a sabbatical for the past few months, and am not currently in uni or working so i've finally had time to actually put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) on all the words that have been floating around in my brain.

in saying that, my self declared sabbatical will be ending in july so i cannot promise any consistency around posting. i don't mind some gentle pushing but please keep in mind i usually take a full time course load at uni, work two jobs and also have a social life, friends, family and also a whole host of health problems so sometimes my life gets a bit too out of hand and it kinda is out of my control.

i really am trying to enter my era of a healthy work-life balance though, so i'm hoping we won't reach the same level of chaos that my life previously has been.

anyways, if you have made it to this point, you are a real trooper and thanks for reading through my rambles!

:))

[fourtyfourcatss]

-> for @pinejayy !

[a/n] - i enjoyed doing this matchup exchange! i wrote a lot for kny compared to the others since i did it first, but just know every single one of your matches love your traits so i didnt have to restate them again and again! hope you enjoy

KNY ✦ mitsuri kanroji

➜ mitsuri thinks you’re so cool! you look so gallant in your heels and your countenance… you often speak your truth and put people in their place! she cant stop giggling over their gawking expressions and being endeared over your confidence. it takes a while for her to understand and accept your dark humor, since she isnt used to it, but one day she will accidentally slip up and make a somewhat dark joke too and obanai is onto you 💀

➜ but i think the two of you would soften each other much, defenses, and traits. sometimes dark humor can lead go humor that may be a bit too dark, and thinking about it could make you spiral a tad if you arent in a good place. mitsuri’s attitude beats that away! she’ll slice up anything bad that comes your way.

➜ i think she’s developed from fixation on your chokers after a while, wanting to wear some herself to keep some part of you with her. do you wear perfume or cologne? spray some on the choker before letting her wear it for a while; she’ll drift into a happy daze! though unfortunately, she cant really fight like that oh no 🙁‼️ after shes learnt her lesson (several times), its reserved for days off with you! expect tons of short neck pecks and cheek kisses.

➜ do you like sakura watching? i assume you’re not a big outdoorsy type person since you have not mentioned it, so the two of you definitely snuggle inside a kotatsu during the winter, the two of you chatting and laughing under the warm blanket. its midafternoon but its ok, and time feels lost. in march, sakura watching is a must though! the two of you sit on the patio, sharing snacks while night falls, watching the blossoms fall down beautifully.

➜ originally, mitsuri planned to go into the corps to find a husband… but she found a wife instead! ah, but her parents are delighted! someone who could accept their daughter for who they truly are unlike those earlier suitors must be someone of great character, and right they are! her siblings are curious little kids, and sometimes they intrude a bit while she and her parents try to pull them away as quick as they can! but theyre good kids, the ones that usher you in and sneak you snacks and asks you for the reasons of why you got each of your tattoos. you grow on them, and they grow onto you <3

➜ she has no tattoos herself, but she understands the feeling of being judged from your appearance, being downtrodden because of it. the two of you are on the other sides of the spectrum, yet its depressing how the the people’s treatment of the two of you as women converge and diverge. she looks too “childish” with her hair and kimonos and yukatas, and you look too “brazenly” in your goth clothes. but everyone is more than their fashion tastes and their outward appearances; mitsuri thinks the tattoos on your body are so beautiful, so artfully done — did it hard? does it still hurt? she has no idea how tattoos and healings work, does it still ache like a wound? no, right? there’s a part of her that’s subconsciously worrying about you, not obsessively or suffocatingly. but she wants to fuss over you! she wants to indulge you in all the ways she can, like how her parents indulged her when she was younger, lovingly, heart above the mind. she traces each line carefully and watches as they line down your body, transfixed.

➜ absolutely cannot take a horror movie. she will definitely watch them with you, but even so, she’ll be clutching at you and closing her eyes and trying not to be so easily jolted. prepare to accompany her to the bathroom at night and waiting for her lol.

➜ cute plushies? sweets? strawberry related? do you think about her hair while thinking about strawberries? just thinking about that makes her gleeful. she loves loves sweets, and she also loves plushies. i can imagine the two of you strolling hand in hand at festivals, masks clipped to the sides of your heads, mitsuri dominating the competition to get you your trophies!!

➜ your relationship is like sitting near a riverbed, the sky dark, the crickets chirping, fireworks lightening the sky.

..runner up; shinobu kocho, uzui tengen <- i think he would make more for platonic friends instead

JJK ✦ geto suguru

➜ gojo teases him a lot about you. “gonna trip into your girlfriend’s arms again?”

➜ geto throws up a finger, but doesnt say much else, his only other acknowledgment being reddened ears poking from strands of dark hair.

➜ geto is an absolute gentleman — as much as he can while being encaptured by your energy. he’s very frank about his feelings, yet retreats whenever you approach back, tapping his cheek or giving him some lip. eventually, he will stop going back into his shell like a turtle! for a special grade sorcerer, he has what you’d call the heart of a maiden around you lol!

➜ there will definitely be times where he leaves a curse or two to protect you. he cannot take any chances when it comes to his enemies, especially when the person who could be harmed is you.

➜ playing video games with you and reading your works is a must! he’s probably seen scarier for horror movies with grotesque beings, so put on something thats more silent to scare him lol. acts of services and bantering is a large part of your relationship with one another. he kisses your hands and strokes your arms. geto deeply appreciates your values and how you see the world, and you see like the type to stick to something when you truly believe it in. like a beacon of light. that does good for him. if geto is gojo’s moral compass, then you are getos.

➜ he unconsciously seeks you out; whether it be you walking to his room, geto freeing his hands so he can wrap an arm around the curve of your back. burying his face into your hair and nestling into your neck. like sitting on a ferris wheel at sunset, the voices of the crowd tumbling snuffled beneath the two of you.

➜ with your presence, he may have given his choice some more consideration, and understood the ridiculousness of killing every non-jujutsu sorcerer in the world. it was his dream, but it was a given one. but he thinks of your painted nails and the ways your eyes glisten, and hesitates.

BNHA ✦ keigo takami

➜ the attraction point is that the two of you are so similar in different ways, it catches his attention immensely. hawks likes to take a jab at people, but it is in the unorthodox sense, while you as you put it, “quite rude but a playful kinda rude.” in short, the intentions between the two of you are quite dissimilar, making for rather unorthodox interactions. but he’s met many people who’s also similar in you for many of these traits. so, what draws him to you?

➜ its simple. everything.

➜ everything mashes together to create this interlocking puzzle which even one piece cannot be missing for it to work. there are things big and small that makes his eyes stray to your figure; the way your back is curved, the air about you. he gives you that Leon Kennedy StareTM, like the way he looks at Ada.

➜ as from this post, he’s casual, reliable, and falsely open. i think you have the temperament to truly open him up without leaving him resentful of you. he says exactly whats on his mind, in turn, beckoning for you to share your opinion too. he wants to know how you feel about certain things, perhaps dissolving the conversation into something entirely political or philosophical. he does this thing where he gets into your head sometimes, and it’s infuriating. but, as he starts to become more comfortable with vulnerability around you, he starts to soften up. sheepishly rubbing his neck if he accidentally goes too far and catches himself doing it

➜ definitely walks with you across the sky howl’s moving castle style. well, as close as it gets. he’s going to randomly send the two of you up in the sky and go for a ride. preferably in his hometown, where the eyes do not follow as much. he’s absolutely masterful at every time of affection, physical, verbal, and especially gift giving. he’s a genius, the youngest of the top heroes at only 22. won’t you brag about him to your friends? he’ll be very flattered

➜ Next Level Bantering. He puts everyone to shame with his comebacks and returns. dark humor? not a problem with him. ah, but if hes too worked up, he might take it too far. he’s a very contrary character, appreciative of things both traditional and “unorthodox” like heavy metals like the older generation (some of those uptight old fucks need to mind their own business). the more they seem to dislike you, the more he ends up seeing and appreciating you for who you are.

[makima-s-most-smile]

Trigun Maximum 10.3

What? You demand more pain? Don't worry. Nightow is giving it out in spades in this volume!

Trigun Ultimate: 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4 Trigun Maximum: 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 3.2, 4.1, 4.2, 5.1, 5.2, 6.1, 6.2, 7.1, 7.2, 8.1, 8.2, 8.3, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1, 10.2, 10.3, 10.4, 10.5

05: Final Battle

It truly is Wolfwood's final battle.

Oh, I didn’t get it without @/alena-reblobs that Wolfwood avoids the missiles of Razlo and turns around to use the following explosion to jump the distance towards Razlo. Wolfwood is such a brilliant fighter and his fights are the best. His weapon is so stupid looking, but the way Nightow makes use of it is so fun to watch. Though… sometimes it is really difficult to follow the action.

I mean… is Razlo really the best wielder? Having three always read as overcompensation for me. With three he can easily overpower his opponents. But look how Wolfwood wipes the floor with Razlo since he knows how to use his weapon.

And Vash is watching. He respects Wolfwood’s wishes. But I also assume that he desperately tries to burn every second of Wolfwood’s last minutes into his memories, since this is the last time he will see his friend. And in the end, this fight IS what Wolfwood is, protection, the good in humanity. Their destructive power is used to save someone.

I just love how Wolfwood reads and taunts Razlo. I just wish it was in a more brotherly, peaceful situation. This fight is just so good. The way Wolfwood overpowers Razlo so easily made me believe in the first read through that this was just a scare, that Wolfwood is not dying, that this is not his last action.

I didn’t see it the first time. Wolfwood’s Punisher has a white cover and Razlo’s are black. Something about Wolfwood fighting to protect others, while Razlo’s main motive is to get recognition from the husk of a human called Chapel. Selfless vs Selfish.

Wolfwood is the master of the Punisher. He knows his weapons flaws and strength and can adapt it to any fight. Not only Razlo’s body takes a hit, his confidence, too. Not only that, if you look back how he was willing to kill Chapel, but not for any revenge reasons, but for the future safety of the kids... Wolfwood gave out punishments, but neutral ones, not pain for his own selfish gain.

And then Wolfwood adds the worst insult. He throws the Punisher aside. This stopped being a fight long ago. This is a trashing. And more so, it is much more intimate. This is not a fight between two fighters, this is an older brother who gives Razlo a reality check. Wolfwood teaches Razlo not only fighting lessons, but life lessons.

06: Return

Wonder who will return?

Razlo never had someone be his equal. 

I learned from a colleague who became a kindergarten teacher, that the trickiest part about that was that when a kid was stronger than the rest they often hurt other children without really understanding it. So he was in the position of having to teach the kid the other position without overstepping any line. 

Razlo reminds me of that. He never had someone being equal to him, he never had to go all out. Chapel would have wiped the floor with tiny Raz and by the time he got that build he already was totally under his thumb. And we saw that little Raz was able to kill more than a few people without breaking a sweat. Wolfwood is the first person who can take him on and who can teach him that: Damn, being hit hurts. I don’t want to hurt. (And the consecutively end of that line: I shouldn’t hurt other people)

I just cannot see Razlo as someone evil, he is a survival mechanism of a lonely kid that got out of hand.

Positioning Vash there… Yeah… While Razlo confronts his mortality for the first time, Vash is crumbling under the loss. He will never be the same again. Vash cannot even imagine being without this pain. He just found a hope for himself, he just started to imagine a future and it was ripped from him, again. How many times is he expected to get through such a pain?

Fucking red herring of the third vial. It gave me hope on my first.

Razlo does not understand empathy or care. He has never been cared for. He is unable to get that Wolfwood cares for Livio and consequently for him. This is a fight for death for him. ‘Wolfwood is just playing with him’. But Wolfwood tries to reach Livio.

I need to look like four times to finally understand how this bretzel-Vash is twisted and how he connects his hits with them. Wolfwood wanted to fight Razlo one on one and Vash will make that happen. He has his buddy’s back, especially since it is the last time.

Another misdirection. I like how Nightow uses them.

Livio appears again! Finally! Took only nearly ripping the head of his body off.

And another misdirection.

Who is the Judas now?! Wolfwood, who betrayed his abusive mentor to protect others or that mentor, who was ready to stab his other, devoted pupil in the back to kill Wolfwood?

Also, Chapel returned for a little comeback before he finally croaked.

Who would have thought…

Sarcasm aside. Again, Razlo is a little kid. He trusted Chapel blindly after what he had done “for him”. But that devotion was one sided and used for Chapel’s benefit. The safety of being useful was a false one. L/R was always alone in the EoM. His explosion of anger is a bit like a temper tantrum. He cannot deal with these emotions, he cannot deal with the betrayal. And he lets it out on his surroundings and innocents. In his pain he is even unable to realise that Wolfwood just saved his life. Everyone is against him right now, since even the one person he trusted turned out that way.

And finally, the real return of the chapter! Livio comes back. Wolfwood’s sacrifice has reached him. It may be a mixture out of the beating and, especially, shoving L/R aside when Chapel attacked.

Wolfwood becomes Livio’s role model as Livio finally emerges out of his cocoon that protected him against rejection.

How much blood does his body have? But it feels nice that Wolfwood accomplished what he set out to do and even lived long enough to see Livio return.

[exit-babylon]

50 Years Without Christmas

It was the 50th consecutive year that I’ve been without it. Yes, a golden anniversary of not having something!

I remember it well. When you are 11 years old, it’s no small thing if your parents make the life-changing decision that it is intellectually dishonest, scripturally untruthful and spiritually hypocritical to celebrate Christmas. 

Researching the facts was the easy part—history has never hidden the pagan origins of Christmas and how its customs became integrated into the church by powerful people who called themselves Christians but whose practices bore little resemblance to those of the Christians of the Bible. 

The “Christ vs. Christianity” column on pages 28-30 gives a great summary of what the Bible clearly does say, and does not say, about God’s view of such behavior. The bottom line is that the pro-Christmas argument can never revolve around the historical or biblical facts; its only defense is human rationalizing and justifying.

It wasn’t hard to see the truth

Even as a child, I didn’t find it hard to clearly see the truth of the matter. Maybe I was more primed to accept it, since the memories of having been lied to about Santa Claus were still fairly fresh in my young head.

At any rate, it really wasn’t all that hard for me to stop celebrating Christmas. That we weren’t going to keep Christmas anymore was much more difficult for others than it was for us! I saw my grandparents all the time throughout the year, but one would have thought their world was coming apart when we announced that we were quietly bowing out of the Christmas scene! 

Despite some of those challenges, from year one I never missed Christmas.

Those closest to us, though, adjusted after a while when they realized that we hadn’t turned into religious nuts. They found that we still loved Jesus, that we still loved them, and that, because we loved them, we would continue to give and receive gifts at other times of the year … just not at Christmas.

Others were less charitable

Other folks were sometimes less charitable. Through abandoning Christmas, I learned one of my early lessons about “freedom of religion”—it’s a nice notion, but in reality it usually comes with a price, such as having to deal with the hurts of other people ridiculing and badgering you.

It’s funny how the least tolerant were the most religious. Maybe they felt our decision tacitly challenged them to defend their own beliefs. Some people, when they cannot defend the biblically indefensible, resort to personal attacks. But through it all you learn other lessons you will need later in life, such as standing by the courage of your convictions.

Never missed it

Despite some of those challenges, from year one I never missed Christmas. Maybe it was the way my parents engaged me in the discovery process. I don’t remember the exact conversations we had about it, but I do remember coming to comprehend the core issue that I mentioned earlier: Mixing Christianity and Christmas just isn’t being honest with the truth. 

And isn’t honesty, sincerity and truth supposed to be a cornerstone of our relationship with God? Isn’t that one of the most important gifts we can give to our children?

Clyde Kilough Editor

[needsmorewlw]

*~Non-fetishistic mlm!Dylan headcanons~*🥰😇

I am being so pass agg rn

He worked out he was gay when he was like 10 after watching Teen Wolf.

He abides by the "Coming out to people by mentioning it casually in conversation" rule of homosexuality, to see who he catches off guard.

He still has girls who ask him out because he's tall and funny and listens to them when they speak.

He's surprised how often he has to tell these girls that he's gay because to him it's very obvious but apparently not to them.

He's had one real boyfriend but he was kinda toxic and just liked Dylan because he's tall.

Dylan has some hang ups over his one real relationship not ending well and has some lingering nervousness about starting a new one.

Doesn't stop him from being forward when he likes someone though.

Dylan flirts as a joke and then when it works he has no idea how to continue.

The personification of the "I dunno, I didn't think I'd get this far." meme.

He doesn't know where the joke flirting ends and the real flirting begins either.

If Dylan really cares about someone, he will go above and beyond for them (friends, dates and family). More than once it hasn't been reciprocated and his kindness got taken advantage of. Hence his fear of rejection.

His relationship with his parents is...fine. I can't help but feel like he has a parent who tells their friends that "he just hasn't met the right girl yet."

Designated class clown. "Please like me or I WILL take it personally."

No emotion has gone unrepressed for nineteen years.

Fake-it-till-you-make-it is his totally healthy coping mechanism. Pretend to be happy until the depression goes away. No he doesn't need therapy xx (sarcasm)

He rarely cries and only in private. Absolutely never in front of anyone unless you happen to catch him on a bad day.

He doesn't have anxiety and he's never had a panic attack. He sometimes disassociates after a failed social interaction where he accidentally offended/hurt someone.

He's not brave but he is self sacrificial. If someones gotta get hurt, it's gonna be him.

Dylan's the kind of friend who will hang out with you every single day for a week and then you won't see him or speak to him for three months.

Probably because he hyperfixated on a new hobby so hard he forgot he was a living human who needed to socialise.

He took piano lessons when he was a kid and taught himself guitar when we got older so he could play Wonderwall.

He builds PC's for his friends.

He cannot cook even if he had a gun to his head. Eggs on rice is about all he can manage.

He loves all things horror but never actually believed in it. Now he believes in it more and loves it a little less.

He doesn't go around proclaiming that he's gay but he's also not ashamed of it. If he's comfortable around you he'll make some jokes or euphemisms.

Simultaneously ^ He's real annoying when he has a boyfriend. He will talk about him all the time and you will get sick of it.

His lanky arms were made for cuddling. He is a snuggle machine. Pop your head on his chest babygirl, tell him all about your shitty ex.

Despite everything, he has a genuine optimistic view on life. He has a secret little five year plan that involves him moving out, graduating college and getting hired at NASA as an astrophysicist.

He spends more time curating his Spotify playlists than he does breathing.

He definitely gave his cat a full first, middle and last name.

[vilapollo]

Scaramouche x reader

reader is Diluc and Kaeya's younger sibling, forbidden love, drabble, fluff

Most would think that it must be fun being the two most wanted bachelors' youngest sibling. After all, it would be easy having friends and no one would want to be on your bad side since you've got two strong older siblings to back you up. That is mostly true, but their protectiveness could sometimes rival your stubbornness. You've always wanted to travel all around Teyvat but the two men were stopping you from doing so. It was good that you were persistent. Otherwise, you would have never met the so called Balladeer.

You don't know when or how you two fell for each other. You rejected several suitors that you've had back in Mondstadt, not really wanting to get into a relationship. It's not that you were afraid to get hurt. Rather, you were afraid to hurt. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to fall in love with anyone. But then Scaramouche proved that you were capable of loving someone after all.

You admit that loving Scaramouche was hard, but you never gave up. Sarcasm was the love language in your relationship and communication was a bit hard. After all, Scaramouche has built a very thick wall around himself which you are still trying to break down. You two fought but it never lasted too long since Scaramouche has his own cute way of sulking whenever you're angry at him. Yes, you're the one who always end up apologizing despite the fact that he was always the reason why those fights start in the first place. As for Scaramouche, instead of saying anything, he just treats you with lavish gifts which you just accept in order to let him know that you forgive him. Sometimes, he also lets his guard down after every fight and lets you do all those things normal couples do that he finds absolutely disgusting which was adorable.

During all those months, you forgot that he was part of the Fatui. And you were only hit with reality when Diluc and Kaeya each sent you a letter to celebrate the Windblume festival.

Going back to Mondstadt, you couldn't help but feel guilty. The Fatui was an enemy. They were the reason why there's this huge crack in the only two other people left in your family. But surely, Diluc would forgive you for something you cannot control, right?

Celebrating the festival made it even worse. Seeing all these couples giving each other flowers and other gifts made you miss your lover and wished that you could also do the same to him. You wished you could also freely love him without thinking of hurting other people or feel guilty for ever loving someone like him.

"Something on your mind?" You were interrupted from your thought when Kaeya approached you with an arm around your neck.

You sighed. Despite having one eye, he really does know how to read you every time. You knew lying was useless since he could always see through your lies so you decided to tell him parts of the truth. "Well, I just hope I could get to spend the festival with this friend I met during one of my travels."

"A friend, huh?" Kaeya teased.

You blushed and avoided his gaze. "Yes, a friend! Just that and nothing more."

"Well, if you say so. You know Venti is giving away free lessons on how to create a love poem. Perhaps you could try and approach him for some help with this friend of yours."

"I-I told you he's just a friend! Why would I need to create a love poem for him?"

"Oh so it's a boy friend, huh?"

You grumbled and crossed your arms, glaring at his eye. The man just laughed and told you he was just teasing. Thankfully, he didn't push through it, but you kind of felt guilty for lying to him. Still, they cannot know about your relationship with a Fatui harbinger. Not now, at least.

You continued to celebrate the festival all throughout the day and you were completely exhausted by the time the moon rose. Diluc invited you to settle in for the night in his mansion and you happily obliged. It seemed that Diluc was busy during the festival which was the reason why you didn't see him all day. You two exchanged presents and you couldn't help but feel at home once again. As if all your troubles from earlier had disappeared. Soon, you went to your room and decided to go to bed. That was until a certain someone decided to climb into the window.

Scaramouche was there standing in the middle of the room with a dark expression on his face. However, the first thing you noticed was the dandelion flower in his hand and a small box.

"Just came by to leave my friend a gift," was the first thing he said. And it took you a while to register his words. He just shoved the items in his hands into your arms and turned away.

"W-Wait!" You grabbed his hand. "You're here?"

"No, I'm obviously a ghost," he replied.

You couldn't help but smile from ear to ear. "You're here," you repeated before throwing your arms around him. You felt him tense under your touch, but then slowly relax. Still, he didn't move an inch until you pulled away and looked down at the flower he gave you. "Thank you for this. I didn't know you were coming."

"Yeah, well, I just came here to do what I was supposed to. I'm leaving now."

"You're angry, aren't you? Don't tell me you missed me already?"

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. "I would never go through such lengths to see a friend. Don't think so highly of yourself."

You raised your eyebrow. "Where is this coming from?" you asked before realizing how you told Kaeya about him. However, that just made you even more confused. "How did you...?"

"Don't you have something for me?"

You blinked before realizing what he meant. "Oh." At times like this, you couldn't help but thank Kaeya because you did eventually took up some love poem lessons from Venti and created one for his class. "Actually, I kind of do, but..."

"Well, give it to me then."

You were hesitant since you don't think the poem was any good for Scaramouche at all. It's not that you made it for the sake of creating a poem for Venti's class. You actually did that poem while thinking of Scaramouche. And knowing he wasn't even going to read it, you managed to conjure lines that would probably make Scaramouche vomit.

Still, you ended up giving him the poem.

"I'm keeping this," was all he said before heading towards the window.

"You're going to burn it, aren't you?"

"Who says I will?"

"You're keeping it?"

He frowned and stared at you as if your were the stupidest person in all of Teyvat. You grinned at his confirmation.

"I'm leaving now before your older brother finds us," he said.

"Oh, okay." You bit your lower lip, reminded of that again.

There was a silence for a while before you heard Scaramouche's footsteps once again. Before you knew it, he has you wrapped in his arms with his lips on yours. You sighed as you melted into his touch and kissed him back. As he pulled away, he gently stroked your face and gazed down at you without the usual hardness in his stare.

You smiled up at him. "I love you," you murmured.

"I know," he replied. "That's why I'm never letting you go. No matter what happens, you're mine."

And with that, he gave you one last kiss before leaving you with a flower and a bracelet with his words of love engraved onto it.

[prof-peach]

if fans wanted to include peach in stuff they write, would that be okay? and how would they write peach's personality? aside from "FIGHT ME" anyway, i think that much is a given lol. i only really write the anime characters 'cause that's what i know, but it sounds like it'd be kinda fun to try making a version of ash that fits into this blog's universe! nerf'd Obviously, but i think she'd probably appreciate how hands-on he gets when training his pokemon!

Ok, I get a lot of these messages, and I often hear folks wanting to throw peach into their stories and comics and writings, and I will always simply ask that if it’s published online publicly, to be linked to it so I can snoop and enjoy the content too. If someone asks about her in your work, let them know about the blog I guess? But literally I love that people take this stuff, these characters and stories, and make new stuff with it. No ones making money off my work here? So where’s the issue? Go for it buddy, knock yourself out, I’m all for it.

For you, and all the others out there who want to add peach, and other characters to your world building, I will give you a detailed rundown of the main lot, and how they behave, what they do, how they function. You can use that, use bits, or use none of it, I do not mind at all. If you’re creating something, you’re in control, not me.

So, peach doesn’t actually fight people as much as you’d think. She’s very aware most cannot and do not want to do that, and so she likes to keep to herself with regards to that aspect of her life, she doesn’t ask to spar with people, or even bring it up at all, but people ask her all the time, even if they clearly would lose or become hurt should she miscalculate during the fight. She looks at people like they usually create problems, and often has a somewhat reserved nature to other humans. You have to work quite hard to get anything more than formalities out of her. She will dead-pan handle people with blunt and very to-the-point statements, aid whenever possible, but very quickly get back to handling the Pokemon she so carefully tends. Her focus is clear, she’s all about hard work, her very small select family, and the Pokemon.

Her brutal, loud and brash personality only comes out with friends, family, difficult humans, OR any Pokemon. She will joke and laugh and play with Pokemon, but clam up around humans, maintaining tight body language and generally will be a little cold by regular standards. She does however have some weaknesses in this emotionless shield she puts up. When peach was young she was always angry, which swung so fast to sadness, back and forth. Her teenage years it just got worse and worse, it was crippling at points. She is to this day, full of fire and rage, even sadness, but now she has learnt to control it, to use it. When she sees that in others, it’s familiar, and she is pushed to drop the front, and be very real with the person. Underdogs I suppose, people who get bad reps, but deserve the same as everyone else. She can’t ignore it.

Once you start to pry open her personality, you’ll find she’s a lot more laid back and fun than originally appeared, you just have to work hard to find that side of her. She will meme reference, can’t dance to save her life, loves her coffee, and can be caught in quiet contemplation while gardening. This hobby is her calmest, and often is why she can stay so level headed when her quiet rage boils up again. Without time outside she will become grouchy, a little snippy, and lethargic. Will not go in the ocean for any reason other than life or death, is fine with ponds and rivers, or water at wading height. Likes the rain.

With regards to her training others, they usually have to tolerate her somewhat strict nature. She is a little....unforgiving, holds a grudge if you make a lot of mistakes, and has no tolerance for ignorance in the age of information that we all live in. In previous posts I’ve mentioned she’s only recently selected two students, after many years of testing kids who want to learn from her. Hundred tried out, only two have ever been approved. How she teaches is very fast paced, be prepared to get some scrapes and bruises, she will test your physical and emotional tolerances with intense tasks, carefully watching students like a hawk. Bad posture in your stance? She’ll be the first to tell you to sort it out. Not hearing your Pokemon partner? Right, now you spend the day without using words trying to communicate, let’s see how you like not being listened to.

This is a woman who has spent her life saying very little, and watching everything, she watches Pokemon and can see an issue from a mile off, and in battles, her observations are why she can react fast, and chose effective strategy to avoid damage and achieve results. Don’t let her body fool you, her strongest asset is analysing, watching, planning. Those skills have over the years transferred to people too. As a student, mistakes don’t go unnoticed with this professor.

Her methods are harsh but fair, and should you prove yourself, she will protect you with her life.

Because of her disinterest in kids and lots of noise, she does pass the training of students on to the other staff members whenever possible. Grey takes on the lions share of battle lessons, he is far calmer, more open and friendly, with patience for people, and an empathy that peach sometimes struggles to have. When you go through a lot of harsh training, and difficult events, it’s hard to change how you feel or think, with peach, well, she’s been through it. Most do not come out the other end in one piece, but she did, and it made her strong. You may think I mean strong like buff and big, and yeah sure she is, but I mean it mentally more than anything. Peach will not quit. She has learnt to destroy the boundaries that stop people getting hurt, gone is the fear that freezes you in your tracks, that feeling that you’ll pass out if you go one more step. She’s learnt to ignore it.

This means she’s a little forgetful at how it is to be normal, to be vulnerable and soft and squishy like students so usually are.

She has her issues, but for the most part, visitors get a laugh, a smile, a calm assertive confidence, and facts. She will indulge those who have genuine interest, or show a connection with nature, an understanding of the balance that needs to be struck for everyone to live well together.

Despite her many flaws, she’s fiercely protective, and will go above and beyond to defend the island, it’s staff, the Pokemon and the visitors. Injustice is her biggest gripe, along with littering, and she doesn’t stand by quietly if something happens that seems unfair.

You will not see her without Valka, her vulpix, close by. That Pokemon doesn’t like to be touched by strangers, at all, and will run the second someone comes at her with that intent. Peach will scold you for pushing yourself onto her, should you persistently try to get close to pet Val. They are in sync, if peach is sad, Val is sad, if Val is stressed, peach is stressed, and so on. They are inherently connected, it’s just been that long, the psychic bridge between them has been built, and reinforced over the years.

The only other Pokemon who follows her so endlessly is Booker, a teddiursa who’s pretty rough looking. He quietly trots behind, grouchy and stoic, they fight closely together a lot. He lost his mom a long time ago to poachers, and peach took him in, and changed her whole life for him. Not many people know, but Booker was the reason she left the rangers, changed career, and got so strong. Will tolerate people petting him but isn’t keen at all, grumbles a lot and tries to move away.

You may also need to know about the others, for the sake of writing, she here a few more bits that may be important to you, or others wanting to do this.

Grey is very tall, very burly, composed, tells bad dad jokes, is a bit of a goof if allowed to be. If he sees a pun, he’ll say it. Can’t help himself. Very nice guy to work with, good at keeping people calm and grounded. Pokemon are drawn to him like a moth to a flame, he gives off warm energy, and has inhuman amounts of patience. If you wrong his family however, he will snap back.

He grew up in the city, loves to swim and hike and cycle, can snowboard, is really sporty. A total brain box with held items, and boosting stats. He will explore many paths, to make sure visitors and students get the information they need, in a way that can be remembered and retained for later. Is a huge guy, but will get on the floor to play with a tiny Pokemon. Treats big “meaner” looking species like babies, very good with all pokemon.

His free time is spent either tinkering, swimming, or trimming his bonsai trees. This guy stares at screens a lot, so appreciates time away from them. Peach built him his own little greenhouse for his trees and tools, which he keeps clean and loves dearly.

His methods as a teacher are built around fun and games, he makes hard work easier to do by distracting trainers from the difficult bits, and focusing in on something more interesting or compelling.

His most commonly seen Pokemon would be a houndoom, Saxon, old battle veteran, retired now to herding and being a good boy. Very gentle, loves a pet.

Pari, now a fully fledged nurse, often oversees the labs front desk and pokecentre features, such as healing pokemon, and informing trainers who come to visit. Her skills with eggs and hatchlings is high, she’s great with younger Pokemon, and hands out good advice to trainers a lot. She’s not a fighter, never was, but can find any file, any study, any book, and any refrence you may need. A true bookworm, loves her romance novels, chat shows and upbeat celebrity gossip mags. Will cry at a lot of stuff, be it sad or happy.

She’s got a seriously upbeat personality, but if caught off guard or shocked, she gets a little flustered. Too much chaos will overwhelm her, but usually she’s on top of things. The years spent on the island have made her better at maintaining composure in emergencies. With lots of siblings, she’s very competent with others, and has a good ability to disarm cagey people with her jolly nature. Because of this, she can sometimes gain information from trainers that some of the more harsh professors may not have access to. Charming is a word for it.

Her partners are an eevee, and a happiny. They are quite sweet and well adjusted, the eevee gets a bit bouncy if you get it too excited.

[wri0thesley]

Could I request Gojo, Nanami, Geto, Toji, and Mahito with their s/o getting injured while fighting alongside them? Who rushes to their side to tend to them and who goes after the attacker?? I'm always a sucker for this hc prompt!!

♡ —-> below the cut: gojo, nanami, geto, toji, mahito <—-  ♡

♡ Gojo is used to carrying a fight on his own. This is not the first time his partner has been injured whilst they are on a mission - but it’s the first time it’s been you, his partner in more than one way, the person he thinks he might want to spend the rest of his life with--. So he ends up amping up the fighting - if this isn’t a special grade curse, it’s suddenly being treated like one, because if there’s one thing Gojo isn’t in control of it’s how much he loves you. He has lost too many people in his life, and this curse has just threatened another one of them, and this isn’t something that he’ll take lightly. If Gojo makes far more of a mess out of the scene of the battle then he needed to in order to take it out and teach the curse a lesson, so be it. He’s quick dispatching it so that he can feel less guilty about rushing over to your side - he’s had the weight of the world on his shoulders for too long to shirk his duty, but that doesn’t mean he’s not thinking about you the whole time. He’s bent over you in an instant, pulling you into him, asking if you’re alright and trying not to let the worry show. If you can talk and still seem at least to be within yourself, he cracks jokes as best he can about how you’ve gotten him worried, and never to do that again even as he tries to get you to Shoko as soon as possible. You’ll find that Gojo’s influence means you’re not asked to go on a mission for a couple of days, despite how short-staffed everyone is - but when you ask him about it, he shrugs it off with a steely look in his eye. “Guess it’s just not that busy, cupcake - more time for you to stay home and eat sweets and recover!”

- ♡ -

♡ Nanami thinks that being a jujutsu sorcerer fucking sucks, sometimes. And he has not felt how much it sucks so concretely as when you’re knocked onto your back and he sees an arc of blood, hears a sickening crack. He knows he has a duty, and he’s never been the kind of man who leaves it behind - but, like Gojo, he can’t help but let his frustration and anger show through in the way he wields his weapon and the way his teeth grit. Nanami is a formidable enemy at any time, but he’s practically possessed himself now - if he loses you, he will never forgive himself. He has given up too many parts of himself for this job (for both of the jobs he’s inhabited), and you are a bright spot of sunshine in his life. He can’t lose you. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t. So he hacks and he slashes and the moment the curse is gone he’s lifting you up, checking your pulse, trying to keep himself under control even though his heart is beating erratically and memories of other people he hasn’t saved are flooding his head. He can’t stop thinking about how shit this job is, how bullshit it is that you’re expected to die in the line of duty - and then, your eyes open and you cough, and Nanami feels a heavy weight lift from him as he stares into your eyes. Your wounds are treated by Nanami if he can, or by Shoko if they’re too bad - and when the two of you get home, Nanami begins to flip through property books and magazines as he tells you with a tight jaw that the two of you should really think about retiring in the next few years. 

- ♡ -

♡ Geto is incredibly loyal to those he cares about - the little family of curse users that he’s built up all around them. And you are no different - as his beloved, you occupy a different plane. Something more important than even he realises. He loves having you beside him, wrapping his arms around you, watching you with Mimiko and Nanako - after becoming a curse user, he didn’t think he’d ever find such pure happiness as he’s found in you. So it’s no surprise that when he watches you get injured in the battle, he’s driven a little bit wild with his rage. 

He comes to you first, because he is lucky enough to have a technique that means he can release curses to fight for him as he checks you over. The sight of you bent and broken, your beautiful face perhaps bruised, your eyes closed, makes him feel like he could tear the world apart for you. If your eyes do open, and he’s able to ascertain that you’ll be safe, his priority is to get you out of harm’s way.

If they don’t, and you’re hurt more than he can help with at that moment . . . whoever did it is going to regret having ever been born. 

- ♡ -

♡ Toji is immediately bothered when he hears your soft cry of pain. He will not go to you immediately, because he is a professional and the job has to come first - but you can rest assured that he’s running through every possibility in his head, wondering when he can get to your side the quickest. This is a man whose battle skills are superior to almost anyone’s in the world - it’s not that difficult for him to re-arrange his steps, to goad his victim closer to your body so he can work out what the damage is. If you’re merely unconscious, his victim might get off luckily, and Toji may do his work with one clean, quick slice.

If you’re bleeding, though, or something looks broken, or you’re crying - Toji is not so merciful. If you ever get hurt, he wants it to be because you asked him for it and he wants you to enjoy the process - that this enemy would dare lay a finger on you frustrates him to no end. Toji is rather a possessive man. The victim is going to know exactly how he fucked up as Toji brings a painful end to their life, as Toji explains to them like they’re a child before he watches the light drain from their eyes.

Toji is going to do his best to take care of you until whatever injuries you sustain have healed, but this isn’t necessarily a good thing. Toji isn’t exactly the most ideal of sickroom companions, and his bedside manner can be appalling. 

- ♡ -

♡ Mahito says that you are an interesting toy, an experiment - that you’re human, and you are expendable, like all of them are. His main goal, he tells himself, is more important than his silly feelings towards a squishy little person who doesn’t matter. He doesn’t care if you get hurt, if you die; if you were to disappear from his life tomorrow, he thinks, it wouldn’t matter. But he is lying to himself, because the minute that you are in the heat of battle and the path of something dangerous, something in him kicks in.

He normally does not pick fights he cannot win - there’s a streak of cowardliness in the middle of him, though he doesn’t often feel it due to knowledge of how powerful he is. But hearing your noise of pain, seeing your body tossed aside like trash awakens something in him. He does care about you, you’re not trash, you might be one of the only good things about the human world that has ever existed--

And Mahito throws himself into fighting with everything he has. When Mahito’s hand touches this poor creature that has had the misfortune to have attacked Mahito’s most beloved little human, they are going to become the guinea pig for some of the more unhinged experimentations with Idle Transfiguration that Mahito can do. And he hopes that they retain their consciousness all the way through it. He wants to make them suffer. 

-  ♡ -

[ciaran-archive]

Sorry to pry but can you elaborate on the authenticity post and what you don’t like about Ender’s Game? I don’t mean this in an accusatory way btw I genuinely wanna hear you complain about it.

WHY YES I WOULD LOVE TO BITCH ABOUT ENDER'S GAME

my fatal flaw as a person is that i cannot stop thinking about ender's game . like this book lives in my head in a way that far better books i've read just don't and i think that's partly because it did so much to me.

i read it when i was, 13, i think? like. i was just kind of figuring out that i was queer, i was weirdly uncomfortably obsessed with m/m relationships, even the vaguest implication of lesbianism made me feel sick and awful, i was pretty depressed, i had very few friends, and i wasn't....in a good place at all.

and i read ender's game and it kind of maybe saved my life? it showed me that being alone and being lonely weren't inherently a death sentence. it allowed me something i still don't have a name for. ender and valentine and peter felt like facets of a reality i nearly had, and in their reflection i could be something more like myself. who knows where i would have been but for ender's game!

it also fucked me up so bad.

one of the core messages of ender's game - and of a lot of OSC's other work - is that you cannot be truly Original, and you can't Create Anything Worth Creating, if you derive from the work of others. to make something Really Great you must isolate all your creativity and not allow anything else to influence it or it will be tainted and suspect forever. like not in those words but in that essence, that was clearly one of the subtexts of the book.

the other core message is "it is necessary for adults to hurt children; it is irresponsibly stupid as a child, especially a clever child, to trust that adults will ever not hurt you" and combined with the valorized loneliness of the first message it kind of.......still messes me up? and one of the reasons it fucked me up was because i was so bad at adhering to its lessons.

and that's my problem with ender's game at the end of the day: it's like drinking nuclear waste water when you're dying of thirst. like yeah it'll save your life but it'll also teach you how to justify doing the worst things possible (to yourself and others) and i was damned lucky that fiction was my first outlet for those urges and justifications because good god i don't like thinking about what it would've been like directed at myself without any barriers! and it was pretty bad even so!

OSC is also wildly unreasonably and rabidly homophobic so there's, uh, that. To Deal With.

the thing about authenticity is that it doesn't really exist. there's no true self, only selves less articulated or entirely unacknowledged for whatever reasons. sometimes those selves aren't given form because they have nothing to do with us. but we exist in a constant state of becoming; we are built in relation to our surroundings, and we can never strive to be free of influence. isolation is its own form of torture.

there are no authentic cultures either, only arbitrary markers we place in our pasts to delineate the "real" from the "influences" like every culture isn't a snapshot of its moment in time. things are always changing and turning into something new. they rarely become more "themselves" because the idea that you can strip away everything an outsider gave you and still end up with something either real or worth having is....kind of sad, really? do you want to know the person you are without everyone you've ever loved?

it's one thing to talk about capitalism and the commodification of the self and cults of personality and another to act like the very act of articulating your identity in a series of labels/aesthetics/shiny online things inherently corrupts your "soul". this process exists offline also; we are always building ourself to be approved of or disapproved of or reacted to or ignored by the people around us.

but people get really bogged down in the idea of authenticity and the specter of a real self that can be accessed by jumping through various hoops (go offline! go on instagram! make a succulent garden! get a tiktok! buy this thing!). and then they start acting superior because they don't need the internet to feel like their "real self" - as a friend said, sounds like they have a surprising amount of ability to be their real self with parents and bosses and cops - like i'm sorry! some of us are queer and trans and autistic and can't access an offline social group! and even if i did i would prefer to be online a lot of the time: the internet is full of spaces where i'm safe and in control, and that's just harder irl. and my experiences aren't any less valuable than those of someone with different ones.

...anyway, that's on authenticity.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I’m sorry, but can I just go on a little rant about the Louis, clouis, and the Clem comic...? 

I didn’t really talk about Louis in my overall review of the comic because I wanted that to be more contained to the content shown on the pages, Clementine’s relationship with AJ, and her as a character.... but the more I think about these comics and Louis, the more frustrated I become thinking about what Clementine abandoning everyone would do to him. 

[... okay it’s not little anymore since I guess I can never just do anything simple when it comes to Louis, sorry my bad]

So, no surprise, we all know the comic’s bullshit by now. Clementine leaving everything and everyone behind because she’s not happy is dumb, AJ just letting her go is dumb, and Clem going to the mountains on crutches and a peg leg to find this so-called happiness is dumb. 

Now that we’ve established it’s dumb, I wanna talk about Louis because I got a lot of built up feelings about how bullshit this storyline is with how Clementine would not only abandon AJ, but also abandon Louis. 

Because let me tell you..... his heart would be broken beyond repair and I need to talk about why.

Sigh.... so.... muh boy. 

Before he met Clementine, Louis was this laidback, irresponsible, but caring and musical person who kept his head down to avoid conflict and never looked at the future. He was the kind of person who took things one day at a time, saw survival as a day-to-day task, and said that the future doesn’t exist, there’s only today. You get the point, he was never too concerned with things because they always seemed to work out, and if they didn’t, then that sucks and that’s why we should appreciate every day while we have it. 

Louis is shown to be charismatic and friendly, he spends his free time playing piano and card games, but no one really takes him seriously. Not even Marlon, his best friend for 8+ years. While he doesn’t seem to be on bad terms with anyone [including Aasim, they just act like people who disagree with the other’s point of view and have had the same argument many times, but that doesn’t mean they hate each other, y’know?] he also doesn’t appear super close with anyone outside of Marlon and possibly Violet, but even then. 

Marlon’s shown to have little faith in him with the way he talks about if Louis will even show up to hunt. He has a controlling grip on Louis that’s prominent during the confrontation scene when he uses intimidation to try to convince Louis to not interfere. Oh, and there’s the fact that Marlon’s been lying to Louis for the past year about the twins and then continued to lie to his face about what really happened to Brody... which isn’t great when you consider how Louis was the only one who had blind faith in him as a leader and, according to Marlon, was the only one who couldn’t see how pathetic he always was. 

Violet, while having a few more nicer moments with him than Marlon, still invalidates him and his feelings several times throughout the first half of the game which makes me wonder how close they ever were, or at least if Violet ever considered him a close friend to begin with. And no, a small monologue in the dorms doesn’t make everything better or confirm they were brotp the whole time... especially when once they’re on the boat, Louis might as well not exist because Violet can’t be bothered to acknowledge what happened to him or inquire about how he’s doing. I guess she just didn’t have time react while standing in her cell for several unbothered minutes-- no wait, it’s she already reacted off screen. Right. Good writing is good.

What I’m getting at here is that even though Louis is surrounded by people who he genuinely cares about, there is an argument to be made that he’s a lonely person. Hell, he’s aware of his loneliness when he says that no one hears past his music and jokes. I mean, how many nights do you think he spent by himself playing the piano because no one wanted to hear it? Are they like Violet and crack jokes about how he doesn’t have actual talent? Probably, given that someone literally carved “you suck at playing” onto the side of the damn piano. 

Oh, and let’s touch on that backstory of his. Louis grew up wealthy with two parents who loved him and each other, and they gave him anything he wanted except singing lessons. Louis says he wanted to be a real musician. But I guess his father didn’t like that idea and told him no, with the [as Louis puts it] dumb dad lesson of, “You get to be happy, or you get to be rich, can’t be both.” ...which is interesting given that Louis and his family were stupid rich but also.... were they not happy? well, that doesn’t make sense because little Louis knew that if he broke up their marriage, they would be hurt. 

So yeah, Louis was so upset that his father continually refused to let him take singing lessons that he broke into the man’s credit cards and faked an affair, which led to his parents divorcing... and then he spit his father’s words back in his face. 

Then they dumped him at Ericson. And the walkers came. 

There’s so much to unpack from the story he tells that it could be it’s own analysis, but basically.... Louis is aware of why what he did was fucked up, and he carries it with him every day. 

He regrets what he did, chews himself out for being such a “vindictive fuckhead” [and the amount of force used in that line tells you a lot, like how it’s not the first time he’s chastised himself like this] and he admits that he doesn’t even know the person he’s talking about. Yet, he still sees himself as bad, saying that they [I assume the staff] told him and the other kids they’re bad people. I don’t doubt that Louis internalized that which played a huge role in the confidence and self-esteem issues he has during tfs. 

Anyway, I’ll come back to this later, but when you take that amount of guilt and regret, and mix it with the fact that they dropped him off at this school that was supposed to make him better.... then the walkers came and those teachers, staff, and headmaster? Gone. Left a bunch of kids to fend for themselves, with the exception of Ms. Martin [but given how she looks when we find her I doubt she lasted that long] and I cannot imagine how horrifying that was for all of them. The dead are up eating people, and if you die you become one of them... and the people you thought you could rely on just fucking left you to die at this school. 

Every kid in that school has trauma and abandonment issues from before and after the world went to shit, every last one, and Louis isn’t the exception here. Over the years, a lot of kids died and they’ve all seen horrible shit. They all knew they were never going to see their families again, and as far as we know, no one came to get their kids at the beginning. They had to find ways of coping while trying to survive, and all they had left was each other. 

Louis copes with music and games and jokes. He’s built up this persona where it seems like he’s unaffected by the comments the others make, that the death and suffering he’s gone through is in the past, that he is confident and open to those around him.

But then Clementine and AJ show up, and Louis grows close with both of them. They had immediate chemistry upon first meeting, he was the one who looked after AJ since it seems like everyone else saw him as a little terror, and he went out of his way to be kind and make them comfortable. 

When they go hunting with him, Louis and Clementine have a moment after taking care of the walker where they lower their guards a bit-- Louis gives her more in-depth reasons for his views of survival, and going off her expression, it gets to her and makes her think.... but they’ve know each other a day and he’s not quick to infodump his life story or let her in, so he cuts the conversation short.

Then we have the Marlon confrontation scene that I have gone over so many times in the past. I won’t dillydally with it too long but..... Clementine appeals to Louis, who curls in on himself because of the control Marlon has on him. He wants to help, and hell, he knows this is wrong but he’s so used to not getting involved that he gets defensive.... plus, he’s known Clementine for two days, and he’s known Marlon for 8+ years.... he wants to believe Marlon but you can tell he doesn’t want this, either. It takes Clementine talking to him to give him courage to stand between her and Marlon’s gun and it’s a lot.

AJ shoots Marlon and everything goes to shit, and Louis is a goddamn mess. His best friend was murderer right in front of him, so add that to the trauma list, and he’s overwhelmed with all these feelings that again.... they keep getting invalidated by Violet because “Marlon was a liar and murderer, therefore you shouldn’t feel bad about his death. Get over yourself, Louis, you can be such a shithead sometimes.” 

Oh yeah Vi, I guess he should care more about two people he’s known for a total of two days rather than for the safety of the people [including you] he’s grown up with and cared about for 8+ years.... makes sense. 

So yeah, little to no support during this time. Alone again. 

And just because I have to make this clear so no one gets a hair up their ass-- both Louis and Violet are wrong here. Kicking them out isn’t the solution, but neither is acting like AJ was right to commit murder just because it was Marlon.

 But plots gotta plot, so they get voted out and you can see that Louis is conflicted about the whole thing. He wants them gone, but at the same time, he knows what kicking them out means. You can see it on his face that he’s not okay with kicking them out. He’s hurting when he’s there in the dorms telling them how the vote went... he literally doesn’t know what else to do. He just knows that everything hurts, Clem and AJ caused it, and he wants the pain to stop. He even tries to justify it to himself by figuring that they’ve done this before so they’ll be fine. Not a great thing to say, Lou. 

Anyway, we know the story, Clem and AJ come back and Louis once again sees the consequences of acting out of pain.... AJ is shot because Louis was hurt and he made a bad decision that he’s gotta live with.... something that he’s done before, and this affirms to him that he’s bad. He wishes he could take it back, and goes as far as to admit that to Clementine during the archery scene. 

By the way, credit to him for his apology to her. It’s rare in these games that Clem gets a genuine apology from someone who hurt her and doesn’t turn around to repeat the hurtful behavior, y’know? Plus, I can think of plenty of characters who owed Clem an apology in the past or if they did apologize, it was half-assed. 

You can feel how conflicted he is with this whole thing-- learning who Marlon really was and what he did, feeling something for Clementine before everything went down and not knowing how to handle those feelings afterward, caring about AJ and understanding why he thought shooting was the best choice but still hurting that his friend is dead.... 

And the thing is.... Louis forgives her for so much, as she does him, and through all of that bullshit, they manage to develop that strong connection that turns romantic. Louis lets himself be fully vulnerable with her and is honest about his feelings, how she listened when no one else did and seeing him for more than just the persona he put on. 

This works on Clementine’s side, too. Clementine has been through her own fair share of bullshit-- trauma, abandonment, loss, injury, you name it. She’s made mistakes, done terrible things, and has been in enough groups to know that romance usually ends in heartbreak.... and yet, she’s willing to open herself up to Louis and admit she feels a lot for him. 

Is it a little rushed? Yep. Could it have been handled better? Of course, most things this season could’ve, but what we got was pretty good. 

So Clementine and Louis are romantically involved now, the raiders attack, and she saves him... and boy does Louis feel guilty about that one, too. He feels bad enough that he questions why she would pick him because he can’t fathom his life being worth saving over another’s. He doesn’t see himself as useful, and even though Clementine is literally his girlfriend at this point, his self-esteem is so all over the place that he can’t understand why she would have him at her side. 

And when Clementine tells him that he’s too important to her, he’s too baffled to even give a response. He looks at her in disbelief like he wasn’t expecting her to say that.  But this shows that at the beginning of their relationship, he still doubts himself, and through her working with him, he begins to build up that strength in himself. 

He becomes brave enough to share what got him sent to the school with her, and he plays Don’t Be Afraid for everyone at the party and like.... for once, everyone is listening to him. Really listening to him. They’re not talking shit about his musical skills, they’re not ignoring him or the feelings he’s putting into the song, they’re sitting there with him and I just..... if you watch him, you can see that his eyes get pretty glossy throughout the song. The moment meant something to everyone. 

There’s also the fact that Clementine asked him to come with her and AJ onto the boat, and to be the one in charge of the bomb... that’s a huge responsibly and he feels the pressure of that. He starts to panic a bit about if he can do it, because what if he fucks up? What if he gets them caught and makes everything worse? What if something happens to Clementine and he can’t do anything about it? 

She’s there to reassure him that she believes in him, and that he can do this. They’re going to get everyone back, and he needs to focus... then he asks her to slap him which why would you? that’s dumb, so Clementine smooches him instead and like.... he physically relaxes into her because he’s comfortable and trusts her in this situation. 

Also, he loves her and cares about this mission enough to cover himself and his fancy jacket in walker guts.... sure, he complains while doing so but how else is he gonna cope with rubbing rotten guts on himself to blend in with a herd of walkers? 

Skipping ahead so that we’re not here all day, I wanna talk about the walk back to the school because it’s one of the most important clouis moments in the game and a huge reason that solidifies why the comic is bullshit.

Louis went off on his own to go out and find them. He didn’t know where they would be, he just knew that he had to go out and find them after making sure everyone was okay back at the school because he couldn’t bare the thought that he had lost them. And the way the AJ gets so excited to see him? and the group hug??

At this point, Louis has grown so much as a character. With Clementine by his side to support him, he’s grown stronger and more reliable. Remember how he never thought about the future? Well, now he is because his relationship with Clementine has given him a reason to long for a future. He talks about building this imaginary house with her, one he knows they can’t physically build... but it’s his way of saying we can build a home together, that he wants a future with her and AJ and everyone else. It’s such a personal conversation that flows so easy between them. Louis is more comfortable talking to her about things from his past, which is something he didn’t want to do back in ep1. 

He confides in her how he’s feeling after he shot and killed Dorian, he tells her that having a home means protecting it and I just.... it’s so good, okay? And from Clementine’s side, you can feel how at ease she is with him, too. Just the way she smiles at him as they’re walking? like he’s the cutest thing and she’s so happy to have him with her? 

But then we gotta deal with Minerva’s crazy ass on the bridge and well, AJ shoots Tenn and Louis is having flashbacks to Marlon and it’s not great. That’s a whole thing, and he ends up separated from them while escaping.

We don’t get to see Louis’ reaction to Clementine getting bit and losing her leg since I guess that puts a damper on the overly happy ending. But, going off of what we know about him and what I’ve explained [which isn’t even all of it, this isn’t a full Louis character analysis. if it was, it would be much longer and in multiple parts... believe it or not, I’m trying to not make this too long and only sorta failing...] we can get an idea of how he would react. 

Um, to say he was upset is an understatement.

Because remember, he had no time to think and climbed over the fence, thinking he could get them to climb over and they could get away, but it didn’t work. He ended up leaving them in order to save himself since walkers were closing in on him.

But you know that he’d blame himself for the bite. A lot of, “if I had just stayed” and “I should’ve climbed back over, I should’ve stayed with you.” I’m sure there were points where it looked like Clem wouldn’t make it and I can’t imagine how much hurt he went through watching her suffer and heal from losing a leg like that. 

Not only that, but knowing that AJ was the one to do it? And him thinking about what Clem’s death would do to AJ after all this? There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Louis would take care of AJ if she died. He cares about AJ, and he loves Clementine, so he be there for both of them, even if he’s still hurting from Tenn’s death. 

However, Clementine didn’t die. She survived the bite and amputation, and when we flashforward, she and Louis are still happily together. Louis is right there next to her at dinner, and he’s the one to help her with her crutches. He’s there to go over future plans to meet the traveling caravan, and Clementine wants him to be the one to go. 

Oh, and Louis once again forgives AJ for shooting Tenn, claiming that he understands that AJ saw something that he couldn’t. Like with Marlon, he’s not happy Tenn’s dead but he can see why AJ did it to save his life. 

I just..... happy ending. Clementine and Louis are together and she’s truly happy to have found a home for her and AJ with him at Ericson. 

....But then the comic thought it would be fun to say “nah.” 

The comic isn’t canon, I’m still insulted that it would ever consider itself as such, but even so I can’t help but feel so frustrated about how this would destroy Louis. 

He finally found someone he would consider his best friend, not just his girlfriend. She saw past that funny man persona and he trusted her enough to let her past this wall he built around himself. He let himself become vulnerable around her, he named his song after her. Their initials are carved into his piano with a heart surrounding them. He loved her. 

Clementine left him feeling loved, something he probably hasn’t truly felt since he was a little boy with his parents before their divorce. She loved him even after hearing his past because she knew that wasn’t him anymore, and she helped him build the confidence he needed to step up. Because of Clementine, Louis wants to enjoy every day while also looking at the future. He isn’t lonely anymore, he has her and AJ. He’s truly happy.

So to tell me that Louis would wake up one morning only to have AJ tell him that Clementine’s gone, she’ been planning an escape without telling anyone because she wasn’t happy...? I’m sorry, but if you think that wouldn’t leave Louis absolutely devastated, then you know nothing about him as a character. 

This idea is just.... look, Louis is perceptive. That’s a big part of his character, he’s perceptive of those around him. If Clementine was showing signs of being unhappy or depression, he would see it. He would notice a change. He would be able to tell if something was off, and he would ask her about it. Louis is the type of person to ask you what you need. What can he do to help? What do you need to feel better? And if you don’t know, it’s okay, he’ll help you figure it out in any way possible. 

Plus, the comic suggests that there are times where she went off on her own but came back [probably doing her escape prep ugh] and you expect me to believe that Louis wouldn’t notice that or wonder what she’s doing? Wouldn’t sense that something’s going on? 

After she’s gone, he’s going to blame himself for not being enough. He couldn’t make her happy and he was a fool to think he ever could. AJ lost the only family he’s known since he was born because Louis couldn’t help her, couldn’t do anything to stop her from leaving. 

And for him to realize that she didn’t love him? Clementine, the girl he thought the world of because of how strong and confident and in-charge she was, because she saw him for who he was..... she left him, abandoned him... and she couldn’t even be bothered with a goodbye.... that says that she didn’t care all that much about him in the end.

You KNOW that he would think he had this coming, too. How could the universe allow him to fall in love and be happy with someone who loved him back after what he did to his parents? He would feel so heartbroken that he would see this as some sort of karma for breaking up his parents happy marriage as a kid years before he ever met Clementine and before the apocalypse.

I fucking can’t.... I don’t have the words to fully explain how much I hate this. Louis wouldn’t be okay afterward, and I doubt he’d ever fully recover. I wasn’t joking when I mentioned before that Louis would stop playing piano. How could he sit there and play when I he can see is their initials and remember the night she confessed to him? When he named his song after her? Clementine left and took the music with her because Louis wouldn’t have it in him... something that he used to cope would be ruined and that’s just.... it’s fucking awful. 

Not only that, but now he has AJ who I assume is hurting just as much [though the comics inaccurately assume he would just let Clem go sooo... yeah] and he would be the only one Louis would really talk to about it, but then again.... what if AJ doesn’t wanna talk about it? What if AJ starts to act out and things just become terrible and Louis is just too overwhelmed? 

I just.... UGH. That’s how I feel. UGH. 

Clementine from the comic? Not her. She would never fucking do this to Louis, AJ, or anyone else at Ericson, and you would know that if you played the tfs. 

Sigh.... sorry, I just needed to get this all out. I haven’t seen anyone talk about how Clem leaving would affect Louis and I’ve gotten some asks/come across some posts about Louis that have left me incredibly annoyed.... well, I was annoyed before because of the comics, so my annoyances with those things were only heightened. So yeah... I wanted to talk about Louis’ character in hopes of explaining why he would be so hurt if this comic was canon. 

Which it’s not. So it’s fine. 

How are we all feelin’ at this point, by the way? I know I’m not the only one still annoyed with the comic, so I hope y’all are doin’ okay. Hope you’re stayin’ chill and thinking about your faves to help cope with this mess hahaha

[chosonore]

part two | yearning

yearning [noun. a strong feeling of wishing for something, especially something that you cannot have or get easily]

pairing: kamo noritoshi/f!reader

summary: your relationship with noritoshi was like a game of cat and mouse; no matter how hard you tried to escape from him, he would always find his way back to you.

wordcount: 8.2k

content/warnings: friends to enemies to lovers, language, somewhat suggestive, noritoshi is kind of a dick but i promise it gets better so please don’t lose faith in him, we’re somewhat following the timeline of the anime/manga so spoilers ahead!! but what follows afterwards is purely pulled out of my ass lol, lowercase intended [UNEDITED]

a/n: hello, here i am again with a super long chapter ( ˙꒳​˙ ) it is so incredibly messy and i’m so sorry if it gets confusing for you; this just really shows how sporadic my writing process is, i have some guidelines that i follow but sometimes venture off my path when i suddenly get a new idea. nevertheless, i hope you can somewhat enjoy this chapter. feedback or just your thoughts are much appreciated! for those that are waiting for the ~steamy~ content, it is coming next chapter hehe. as always, stay safe everyone (´｡• ᵕ •｡`)

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"noritoshi, could you just stay quiet today? i'm really not in the mood," you sighed as you entered the training grounds. the exhaustion from the mission the day before was clinging onto your bones, heavy and admonishingly. the normally exciting sparring lessons seemed dreadful, knowing that all students were to practice today. to practice the balance within the team, utahime had claimed the week prior as she was reprimanding your lack of discipline when it came to noritoshi. stubbornness ran in the family; you refused to back down when someone was hurting your pride. said stubbornness came back to bite you - instead of taking a break to fully recover, you claimed that you would be fine with the help of your reverse curse techniques.

as the days came and went, the yearly tournament slowly approached. after the devastating defeat last year, everyone was on edge and determined to beat tokyo tech. well, that excluded todo, he was just looking for stronger opponents it seemed. noritoshi, on other hand, appeared to be more agitated than usual - if he wasn't barking orders at the other students, he would criticize their fighting styles. you knew he wanted to win the tournament at all costs, to prove himself worthy of the position as the kamo clan head. but he was too rigid about it, rarely accepting help and haughty when questioned. you've been avoiding him as best as you could and of all days, today had to be one where you could not. opponents would be swapped every ten minutes so everyone could practice with another student - facing noritoshi for ten minutes was easy. so you thought. 

"can't promise anything, princess," noritoshi retorted smugly and pat your head like he usually did when he was trying to get a reaction out of you. life always found a way to prove you wrong. for some reason, noritoshi had made it his goal to get under your skin as much as possible on this particular day and it worked. it was childish to engage in this banter but you couldn’t help it. the feeling of not being taken serious by noritoshi had always bothered you. it almost seemed like he wasn’t considering you equal to him, always looking down on you. being stressed wasn’t good, your mother had always reminded you, so it was best to remain calm and collected.

stay calm and collected, calm and collected, you repeated in your head. gritting your teeth, you slapped his hand away and jogged away from him towards todo. at least he'd leave you alone while you were near todo - probably to avoid todo getting mad at him and not wanting to hear about takada-chan again. he was the ultimate and fool-proof shield. the taller male was walking at a leisurely pace in front of you, leading the group as per usual. you caught up to him, slowing down so it didn't look like you just jogged all the way here. away from the menace that was noritoshi. todo glanced at you suspiciously before subtly turning around. a guilty groan left your lips. of course he knew, he always knew. as the unlikely friendship was blossoming between the two of you, you rapidly realized that todo was far more perceptive than he would ever let on. even though he took lighthearted jabs at you, he didn't care enough to intervene; it was a mutual understanding. in a way, you appreciated that he treated you like everyone else, not once had he tried to approach you about your deteriorating relationship with noritoshi.

upon seeing the unlikely pair, miwa speed up as well to join them. even though todo scared her to no end, your presence eased her nerves a little. after all, you weren’t scared to put him back in his place when he was being dramatic. she nudged you gently in greeting, nervously clasping her sword in front of her. "do you think we'll win this year's competition? we've been training a lot, so i hope i can show off some of my skills."

"never say never? even if we lose, it's a good experience to learn from," you replied wryly. while the students of the kyoto tech were strong and coordinated well with each other, noritoshi and you could easily destroy the balance. he didn't know when to stop, persistently pushing your boundaries and you fell for his tricks every time. as long as you could work out a strategy that involved working alone or with a partner that was not him, you'd be fine. your safest bet was to work with miwa since you were both sword users and have practiced together extensively. if noritoshi and you exhibited enough chaos to tear the world apart, miwa and you represented the perfect balance when fighting.

"you're our secret weapon though!" miwa exclaimed excitedly, elbowing you gently. "no one knows you can heal, so we'll use that to our advantage."

"uh…"

"what? don't tell me you-"

"i've asked yuta about advice before," you interrupted her, scratching your head sheepishly. "he's one of the very few people who can use reverse cursed techniques, so i asked him to give me some pointers and how to use it more to my advantage."

when yuta participated in the competition the year before, you were absolutely mesmerized by his level of skills and how he had supposedly mastered them in such a short amount of time. of course you hadn't told anyone that you were talking to him - everyone was still salty about the defeat and would, undoubtedly, have crucified you on sight. truthfully, you didn't understand why everyone was so hellbent about hating the students of your sister school. weren't you all colleagues in a sense? yuta was nice and respectful towards you, always trying his best to explain you how to implement his tips. along the way, you might have developed a tiny, fleeting crush on him but never acted on it. it was only a crush after all and you didn’t feel certain about it not being a mere distraction from your feelings for noritoshi. perhaps it was the way he made you feel, the way he treated you like noritoshi used to before. you couldn't even deny it, you missed your old 'toshi. when you looked at him now, it hurt you, seeing all the traces of gentleness having left him.

"really? you never told me! what is he like? he looked like he was really nice but there were moments where i was really scared of him. well maybe not him but rather… that curse."

"uh, yuta is actually not that scary. he's really helpful and always there for you when you need advice. i think i've improved a lot since we've started talking." you made a mental note to thank yuta again if you got to see each other anytime soon. apparently, gojo had sent him on a mission overseas a few months back and ever since, your exchanged messages grew to be rather sporadic. still, you appreciated that he made an effort to text you every now and then to let you know how he was doing and in turn, also asked about your wellbeing.

"fraternizing with the enemy, i see," noritoshi's voice rang out beside you, dangerously close to your ear. it made you jump in surprise, not having sensed him earlier - your hand automatically shot out to hit him, only for him to catch it in time. you shot him an annoyed glare. beside you, miwa and todo glanced at each other, silently agreeing to ignore the squarreling pair.

"i don't see how that's any of your business."

"it is if it jeopardizes our chance at winning," noritoshi narrowed eyes at you in suspicion. of course he didn't trust you, you were nothing but a mild inconvenience to him. you didn't owe him an explanation, not today and not in the future. any friendship or friendliness between you was long gone. refusing to look into his eyes, you attempted to tug your hand away from him but instead accomplished the exact opposite as noritosh tightened his grip. "what did you tell him?"

"he only helped me with training, that's all! it doesn't concern you anyways so-"

noritoshi was irritated, you could tell. the anger was rolling off him in waves, intimidating even you. why was he so annoyed by the fact that you asked yuta for advice? it wasn't even farfetched - the only other alternatives were gojo and ieiri, both of which you hadn't mustered up the courage to ask yet. wasn't it in everyone's best interest for you to become a great healer? noritoshi would know best - he was the driving force behind your ambition, the sole reason why you worked to the brink of exhaustion just to show him that you didn’t need his help, that you were worthy of a higher rank.

"i don't want you to hang out with the tokyo tech kids, especially not with him."

"wait, what?" you gaped at him in disbelief. "is this just because you have personal beef with some of them? leave me out of this, i just want to improve and you don't get to tell me what to do." with that you shoved the taller male, stomping past the other students towards utahime who was looking at you in disapproval. you missed the upset frown on noritoshi's face as he followed you, wanting to reach out but stopping midway. it wasn't the right time or place to let you know why he didn't want you around them, not yet. seeing you hang out and being relaxed with everyone else but him hurt him, oh how it hurt him. he wanted you close to him, only see him, talk about him excitedly and with stars in your eyes like you did when you talked about yuta. and yet, he couldn't let you know. the only way to keep you orbiting around him was to play these silly games, rile you up and drawing a reaction out of you. it was the only way to make you pay attention to him. and so he did.

calm and collected, my ass, you thought two hours later. of course todo and noritoshi had completely eviscerated the rest of the students with no mercy, leaving everyone in a sour mood. whatever strategy your team would have for the tournament was probably thrown out the window, the two of them would take care of it anyways. not that they would stand a chance against yuta.

“yuta isn’t here?” the disappointment in your voice was palpable. you did look forward to meeting yuta again, thinking that he might have come home from his overseas trip for the tournament. but you supposed getting to know the other students wasn’t too bad, you were interested in the first years and their skills. they certainly looked more approachable than your classmates. miwa told you how todo and mai had met two of them a few weeks prior and promptly started a senseless fight that was then stopped by the second years. it landed them in the water as utahime gave them a lecture - while she didn't tolerate the childish behaviour, everyone else seemed to turn a blind eye to it. noritoshi had scoffed in disapproval upon hearing the news, uttering something about not wanting to associate with dimwits like them. 

"nope, he's still overseas. it doesn't matter anyways, we'll still beat you without him," maki replied with a confident grin, arms crossed as she took in the kyoto tech group of students. regardless, you broke out in a sprint and jumped, engulfing her in a warm hug. while you two didn't talk as much as yuta and you did, you were still friends. she was a source of inspiration to you, a master of all kinds of weapons whom you deeply admired. maki gave you some awkward pats before pulling away to introduce you to the first years - megumi, yuji and nobara. the younger students were wary of you, most likely because of their encounter with todo and mai. you couldn't hold it against them, their intensity and stubbornness was something you had to deal with daily after all. you silently cursed the two brash students before taking a deep breath and extending your hand to the ones in front of you.

“hi, i’m y/n, nice to meet you,” you introduced yourself with a friendly smile, visibly relieved when they shook your hand and introduced themselves. especially nobara seemed to be eager to get to know you, fussing over your uniform and inquiring about your skills. you were glad they welcomed you, not wanting to cause any more trouble than would undoubtedly arise for the duration of the tournament. while megumi seemed to be cautious and more reserved around you, yuuji and nobara already treated you like their friend. subconsciously, you envied them for the wholesome friendship dynamic as it reminded you of what you used to have with noritoshi. the fleeting thoughts left as soon as they made an appearance in your head, disappearing when nobara grasped your hand and pulled you towards the buildings to show you around. unbothered by the reactions of your fellow kyoto tech classmates, you followed her - their energy was stifling and the tournament didn't start until later in the day anyways. it was useless to stay with your group and practice, you'd only overexert yourself.

“y/n.” noritoshi called after you sternly, glaring at you when you turned to look at him - ever since stepping foot into the estate, he was moody and more serious than usual.  it was probably him being tense about the tournament, the spirit to win deeply ingrained in his bones. none of the other students seemed to be bothered by the presence of the tokyo tech students, so why should he? ignoring him, you continued your journey until you felt a force harshly pulling you back by the fabric of your hoodie. intuitively, you could tell it was noritoshi. 

"noritoshi, let me go," you snapped at him irritated, struggling to free yourself from his grasp.

"we have things to discuss, did you forget that?"

"i don't want to," like a petulant child, you gave him an angry look as you stood your ground. tension filled the space between you, tethering on the edge of anger. why was a normal conversation never possible with him? and why did he treat you like a child? you let up when megumi appeared to your side, shooting noritoshi a warning glance as he attempted to remove his hand from yours. even though he didn't know what your relationship was like, he stepped in regardless - you were impressed by him. even if noritoshi remained calm, he was a menace to deal with afterwards.

"she said no, didn't you hear-"

"get your hands off of her." noritoshi growled at megumi, the sudden influx of cursed energy that was surrounding him made all students in close proximity freeze. you couldn't hide you shock either, he had never been this threatening towards someone else. he might push boundaries to the extreme, knowing that he could away with it due to his bloodline and family name but he had never outright threatened anyone that didn't do his bidding. with those words he pulled you towards him, wrapping his arm around your waist protectively. paralyzed, you blankly stared at him. his cursed energy was suffocating you, never had you experienced this amount of pressure. not only that, the unusual closeness set your heart ablaze, burning down the walls that you'd carefully constructed around it.

"you're being ridiculous," megumi challenged the older male, unbothered by the strong pressure. he didn't understand why noritoshi was making a big deal out of this. surely he didn't consider megumi a threat? noritoshi's hold on you strengthened and with panic you realized the blood-red markings appearing on his face, he was being serious, oh god he was going to rip megumi apart-

"hey hey, stop it you two," panda's voice snapped you out of your trance and seemingly noritoshi's as well as he wacked his arm. "you just got here and you're already stirring up trouble, are you not ashamed?"

noritoshi simply scoffed and let you go, his cursed energy dissipating with the movement. the rest of the students were as stunned as you were, no one daring to make another move until the tension evaporated. todo was the only one who looked rather annoyed, smacking the back of noritoshi’s head as he started to tell him off - noritoshi, however, kept walking past him towards the dorms that they were staying at for the week. it was almost like there was steam coming off his head as a result of holding his anger in. nobara gaped at you in surprise, pointing at you accusingly. “i didn’t know that was your boyfriend!”

you spluttered in horror, quickly reaching out to her to try and cover her mouth so she wouldn’t say anything incriminating. “n- no you got it wrong! we’re not together, not at all! i hate noritoshi,” you floundered, hastily trying to set the record straight. nobara didn’t look like she believed you, pushing your hands away while giggling. she wiggled her eyebrows at you, whispering at you about how lucky you were to snag such a handsome guy although she thought that he really didn’t have to overreact like that because megumi was harmless. covering your face in embarrassment, you turned away from her and caught a glimpse of an amused todo winking at you.

“i’m serious, nobara!" whatever whining you did, the two of them didn’t let up, making you wonder what you ever did wrong to deserve this scrutiny. as your last resort you grabbed nobara's hand, dragging her along towards a secluded area in the estate. being the subject of the earlier conflict was already troubling enough, you didn't want the other students to get the wrong idea by her wild speculations. nobara was still giggling when you arrived, pinching your arm playfully.

“c’mon, it’s impossible that there is not something between you! did you see the look on his face? i don’t think he would have cared had it been any other person,” she gushed excitedly, her face lighting up in glee. with no doubt, nobara enjoyed poking her nose in other people's business, seemingly having a knack for sniffing out the hidden. a dejected sigh left your lip. a younger you would have jumped in happiness after finally receiving noritoshi's attention but the present you knew better. there wasn't more to it, you told yourself and yet, a tiny sliver of doubt made its way into your mind. could he really have been so bothered by another male being so close to you? todo didn't count, obviously.

"no, there's nothing to it, i promise. we don't have the best relationship anymore and mostly fight. i mean yeah his reaction was really uncharacteristic but…"

"anymore?"

"noritoshi and me grew up together and were childhood friends. i- i didn't agree with his antics as we grew up and we drifted apart after that and now… hate each other? he’s just unbearable and we don’t get along. everyone at kyoto tech knows that so they’re mostly ignoring our fights. and it’s childish, i know, i know..." 

“are you sure? like super duper sure? because it didn’t look like it to me,” nobara contemplatively rubbed her chin. the wheels were turning in her head, something didn’t quite add up. even at first glance, whatever you said made her feel doubtful.

“trust me, i wish it was different too. i mean i used to like him a lot and it makes me sad and i wish we could at least be civil around each other. but he just makes me so angry,” your ramblings stopped nobara’s thinking - so that’s what it was. normally, nobara really didn’t care about other people’s business but this was too juicy to pass up. how far could she push it to make you realize?

why was the layout of all these buildings so confusing? and why were there so many buildings to begin with? you’ve been wandering around for at least five minutes now and you still couldn’t figure out where the hell yuji’s and megumi’s rooms were supposed to be. they didn’t even have any signs around. at this point, it didn’t matter if it took longer than anticipated - the others could wait. nobara had insisted on having a small get together the night before, to get to know each other and play some card games. you couldn’t refuse, it’s been a while since you just hung out with friends without any quarreling. there was no harm in getting to know you future colleagues, even though your classmates were treating them like criminals. so instead of going herself and much to your dismay, nobara had sent you to fetch the other two students, claiming that you would be fine if you just stuck to the measly sketch she’d made for you. most of the rooms you’ve already knocked at remained empty so you couldn’t be far from their rooms, you concluded.

stopping in front of the last remaining door of the corridor, you took a deep breath. this had to be one of their rooms. slowly, you raised your hand to knock at the door when it was suddenly yanked open, startling you in the process and making you drop the piece of paper you were holding. what you weren’t expecting was coming face to face with noritoshi who looked at you as equally confused. he was the last person you wanted to see today, not wanting to confront him about his actions earlier. you couldn’t wrap your head around it; why had he overreacted in such a way? it wasn’t like you were in danger or in need of protection. for a brief moment, you thought that there was a sliver of strange possessiveness. you couldn’t quite place the emotions in his eyes, it made you shudder.

“oh uh, sorry. i was looking for yuji and megumi and this is very obviously not one of their rooms. sorry again. i’ll take my leave,” you awkwardly stammered, taking a step back. noritoshi’s figure was towering over you and in a rare moment, you felt intimidated by him. perhaps it was the dark look in his eyes that told you that he was not thrilled by what you just told him. before you could react, he swiftly grabbed your arm and pulled you inside his room, trapping you against the door.

“w- wait!” you protested weakly, pushing at his chest until his face slowly came into your vision. you couldn’t help but stare at his lips, watching them move as he was talking to you. your ears were ringing, you couldn’t tell what he was saying. the close proximity was suffocating and yet you craved more, not wanting to let him go.

“y/n? did you hear me?” 

“huh?” snapping out of your trance, you looked at him dumbfounded. noritoshi was frowning at you, slightly concerned about your state as you didn’t answer him. just then you finally got a proper look at him. it was a rare sight; noritoshi wearing casual clothes, a simple oversized shirt and shorts, and his hair down without the bindings. feeling nostalgic, your heart clenched. he looked like his old self, the ‘toshi that you loved dearly.

“i said, i don’t want you around them. i don’t- i don’t like seeing you with them,” noritoshi repeated with a strained voice. he placed his hands beside your head, inching closer to you.

“what- noritoshi, you don’t get to tell me who i can hang out with! last time i checked, we’re not even friends anymore so where do you get the idea that you can do this? what’s the big deal ab-” you didn’t get to finish your sentence when he pressed his lips against yours clumsily. you seized up in shock, not returning the kiss as a whirlwind of thoughts entered your mind. holy shit, he was really kissing you. but you hated each other, so why? why, why, why. when you didn’t respond, noritoshi pulled away in panic, spluttering apologies as he moved away from you. your emotional world was in chaos, all the buried and forgotten feelings for him breaking the dams and flooding your senses until the yearning became too much. you were reminded of the conversation you had with your mother years ago - you still wanted him, missed him. you wanted him by your side. desperately, you reached out, fisting the fabric of his shirt as you leaned up to kiss him. noritoshi caught you in his arms, wrapping them around you as he fervently returned the kiss. he was holding you like he was afraid you would dissipate into thin air, frantically pulling you in. his hands were roaming, discovering the expanse of your body.

his touches left you feeling delirious, high on pleasure. a mewl left your lips, pleading him for something, for more. your hands moved higher, feeling his chest and broad shoulders before you wrapped your arms around his neck. his name left your lips in breathy sighs as he peppered kisses down your jaw, pulling the collar of your shirt to the side to gain more access to the expanse of your neck. suddenly, you were hoisted up and pressed against the door as noritoshi held you by your thighs. you struggled to wrap your legs around his waist, to distracted by his relentless ministrations. by the time he's left multiple hickeys on your neck, you were whimpering mess. noritoshi's breath was taken away at the sight of you in his arms, lips swollen from the kisses, the glossy eyes, dishevelled hair and the hickeys that were slowly becoming more visible. he couldn't understand how carelessly you were letting him proceed when you supposedly harboured a strong dislike for him. nevertheless, he enjoyed it and wanted to savour the moment, ingrain it into his memory so he'd never forget why he was treating you like a nuisance.

a loud knock resounded from the door, followed by someone shouting: "noritoshi? has y/n been here?"

out of sheer shock, you shoved noritoshi away from you and nearly fell as you attempted to detangle yourself from him. he caught you in time, signalling you to stay quiet as the person outside was still shuffling around nervously. you slumped against him limply, letting your head rest against his chest. his heart was beating erratically. it made yours fill with pride as you could tell that you had the same effect on him as he did on you. still, the precarious situation suddenly dawned on you - you'd just made out with your sworn enemy and, yes you used to have a crush on him, enjoyed it very much. and by the looks of it, he would have continued if you hadn't pushed him away. the entire ordeal greatly confused you; was noritoshi just playing around with you? it couldn't be, he had initiated it after all. the cold treatment he usually gave you didn't match with his actions just now. you couldn't get close to him, not when he gave you mixed signals. you wanted someone who cherished you and was always sincere so you wouldn't have to second guess their actions.

"huh, i guess noritoshi's already sleeping. we'll have to check somewhere else, i hope she didn't get lost," the person outside mumbled as you stayed silent. the sound of shuffling was heard, then steps away from the room. you stayed put until you were sure they were gone and gently removed yourself from noritoshi's grip, not looking him in the eyes. he didn’t move, letting you go willingly.

“i’m sorry, i don’t know what came over me,” you apologized with a pained voice. “please forget that it ever happened and uhm, please don’t tell anyone.”

noritoshi’s eyes widened at your pleas, moving to stop you from leaving so he could explain himself to you. “y/n, wait, i can ex-”

hastily, you stumbled to open the door, dashing away from him until the building was out of your sight. you poorly hid behind a tree, sinking to your knees as you buried your face in your hands. what the hell. you just made out with your childhood friend turned enemy. your buried feelings were all over the place and your mind just couldn’t stay still. it messed with your outlook as well as your image of noritoshi, distorting and twisting it until you had to rethink your relationship. maybe all this time, you subconsciously hoped that he would return back to his old self and somehow give you an explanation. never having received closure on the end of your friendship, you would even forgive him for the sake of your relationship. were you this shallow? no, you simply harboured a lot of feelings for him. you weren’t able to tell what his thought process was - was he even interested in you? did he see you like that?

“there you are,” you lifted your head to see gojo walking towards you with his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his pants. you almost didn’t recognize him as he simply wore a pair of sunglasses and let his hair down. “the others are looking for you. what are you doing out here? trouble in paradise?”

“n-no! i just needed some time away from everyone to- to catch my breath,” you exclaimed indignantly and perhaps too hastily you realized when gojo smirked at you knowingly. why did everyone assume that there was anything between noritoshi and you? was it that obvious?

“uh huh. that’s not what your neck says,” gojo pointed out while wiggling his eyebrows and offered you a hand to stand up. “he really doesn’t like any competition.”

“fuck,” you cursed quietly, covering the hickeys with one hand while taking gojo’s with your other and pulling yourself up. it was embarrassing enough to meet one of the teachers like this but it was even more embarrassing to know that your teacher had seen the aftermath of your makeout session. 

“i’m not gonna tell anyone, if that’s what you’re concerned about. although it would certainly be funny to tease little noritoshi,” gojo was giggling and you knew he was greatly amused by the entire situation. it almost reminded you of nobara. you groaned in frustration as you trailed behind him towards the girls’ dorms. you needed to hide your neck so no one would question it or grill you until you confessed; the potential embarrassment was mortifying.

your group strategy was already falling apart when todo suddenly disappeared in the depths of the forest, not caring about your teamwork in the slightest. normally, it would frustrate you a lot more if you weren’t already preoccupied with your own troubles. todo would be fine anyways, the remaining group members could work on a strategy on their own. as mechamaru and mai were discussing, you shot a glance at noritoshi. he looked as deadpan as usual, probably not listening to the discussion as he worked better on his own and it was more or less decided that mechamaru and him would be moving on their own while the others would team up. otherwise, you couldn’t tell whether he was bothered by what had transpired between you the night before. on the contrary, he looked calm and composed, probably more focused on his goal than anything else. and for some reason it bothered you.

when you’d returned to nobara’s room last night, gojo had helped you make up an excuse. while dramatically gesturing around, he’d told them that he intercepted her journey towards the boys’ dorms to recruit you for training, claiming that he wanted to teach you more about reverse cursed techniques. although he saved you from scrutiny and embarrassment, you couldn’t help but feel like he might use it as leverage in the future. it was gojo after all, he was unpredictable. absentmindedly, you agreed to whatever plan the others had schemed and grabbed your sword, getting ready to move to your assigned position with miwa. while you had heard of the other students’ skills, you weren’t sure where to place their levels as there was always room for surprises. underestimating opponents was a beginner's mistake. the bell rang out, signaling the start of the tournament; with swift movements, the group members dispersed and slowly moved towards the "enemy".

in the distance, you could already hear loud explosions - it was probably mechamaru happily blasting away his opponents. you gritted your teeth in annoyance, the blasts were too loud for you to make out anyone approaching you. and as you predicted, someone was taking advantage of the noise to stalk up on you. barely being able to block the blow with your sword, you found yourself opposite of maki who was grinning at you. the challenging glint in her eyes told you that she wasn't going to go easy on you but you welcomed it. it was a good opportunity for you to grow and hone your sword wielding skills.

however, it proved to be more difficult to defeat maki than you'd originally anticipated. in mere minutes, maki had already disarmed miwa, leaving her defenseless and you were hanging on a bare thread. your grip on the sword was weakening, laboured breath making your ears ring. it was frustrating, knowing that after all those months of rigorous practice, you still couldn't win a fight. giving up wasn't an option, at the very least you had to give it your all.

"c'mon, you can do better than this!" maki teased you as you ducked away from the swipe of her spear. it missed you by a hair's width and left you scrambling to create more distance between you so you could heal yourself. maki's relentless hits didn't give you any rooms for it - you really had to learn how to constantly apply it to yourself without losing time. from the corner of your eyes, you could see that miwa had picked up the phone. she was probably calling for help, you thought and dished out another hit towards maki which she skillfully dodged. instead, she delivered another blow to your legs, making your knees buckle from the force. you used your sword to support you and took another breath before you tried to lunge at her. in the distance, miwa suddenly collapsed, making you stop mid-move and took another hit from maki that took all the air in your lungs.

"eyes on your opponent, y/n. you know better than to get distracted in a fight, you could've been killed in a real fight," maki reprimanded you as you coughed heavily, gasping for air as you slowly got back up. you were unsteady on your feet, not having enough energy to even heal yourself. conflicted by whether you should face maki again or help miwa, your eyes were flitting between them. maki took advantage of your uncertainty, dealing another blow to you that knocked the sword out of your hand. as your last resort, you kicked at her feet, trying to get her to fall, only to have her pin you to the ground.

"you're going to have to practice a lot more to beat me in the future," she sighed, picking up your sword. panic welled up in your chest - the sword was the only way you could possibly somewhat win this fight but even subconsciously you knew that it was over. reaching out for the sword in desperation, your vision was clouded with tears. it was frustrating, so so frustrating. why couldn't you be as talented as her? or have fast reflexes like noritoshi? why were you ordinary, not being able to make any progress no matter how hard you try?

"i know but i can't give up now!" you defiantly retorted, pushing at her with all might. "i have to win, i just have to show my skills for once and prove myself, i- i-"

even maki softened up at your heart wrenching sobs, easing up on her grip. you both knew it was over. you were probably already eliminated from the tournament, with no other possibility to redeem yourself. she knew that you tried your best and never once underestimated her but something irked her. it was your motivation, your driving force.

"y/n, there's no shame in losing. that's how you grow, make mistakes and learn from them. you tried your best, it's not easy to stand against me for so long."

"i know but there's- i'm still not where i need to be! look at how much progress the others are making in comparison to me! i've been practicing day and night and still, no one is noticing me. i'm just a measly healer and i-"

"y/n." maki cut you off sternly. "is this your motivation? proving yourself to others? you'll not be able to improve if you keep fighting for others. you need to start working on yourself, for yourself. you don't owe anyone anything. but you have to realize that trying to satisfy other people's needs will only make you unhappy and hinder your growth."

"i'm unhappy with my skills! i keep telling myself that it's okay, that i have a rare cursed technique but sometimes i just wish i had a flashy technique or be as strong as you. i don't want to be looked at as if i need protection, i don't want it! i just-" you hiccuped, sniffling again as you wiped your tears with the sleeves of your uniform. "i just want someone to acknowledge me, want him to accept me as an equal…"

"who?" maki's cold look made you freeze in your movements. you didn't mean to let that slip. no one needed to know that the entire time, you were vying for noritoshi's attention. but she was right; there was no point in giving it your all if it wasn't for yourself. it was a silly, childish dream of yours to be equal with him again. he was far out of reach and you couldn't catch up to him.

"n- noritoshi," you admitted in defeat. maki saw right through you, there was no point in lying. she raised her eyebrows at you but didn't question it further. after all, you hadn't told her about the background story. unless nobara had done so, you wouldn't doubt it.

"i'm not gonna ask you why. but this is my advice, do not fight for somebody else. if you relentlessly work on yourself for your own benefit, you'll see progress a lot faster. your technique might not be flashy but it is powerful, remember that. you're a valuable asset to every team," she concluded and pulled you up, awkwardly patting your back as you still sniffled. maki opened her mouth to tell you some comforting words but froze when another extremely loud boom resounded near the entrance of the estate. your eyes widened at the sudden influx of cursed energy - there was no doubt that a high-level curse had just entered the school grounds. you turned to maki to tell her the news but she'd already moved, pointing to miwa.

"take her to a safe place, you can't stay here! in your state, you wouldn't last against such a strong curse," maki yelled at you as she disappeared in the woods. you scrambled frantically, not wanting to be left behind. while you were useless for the tournament, you could at least still be of assistance against a curse. miwa was still laying on the ground, unmoving. you shook her gently, scared that she was seriously hurt. it seemed like she was just sleeping instead; you were relieved. throwing her across your shoulder, you winced in pain but persisted nonetheless. you had to get her away from here, who knows what curses were roaming around. your senses were flooded with the stench of blood and debris, the pressure of cursed energy, the loud rumbles. you couldn't tell where the others were but you hoped they were safe.

a loud thud startled you and you stopped, ready to draw your sword until realization hit you that it was utahime that was inspecting you. determined, you thrusted miwa's limp body towards utahime. 

"miwa will be okay, she's just sleeping! i'm okay too, don't worry, please just take care of her and i'll check on the others!"

"y/n, don't be stupid! you're injured and in no state to help others." utahime attempted to convince you; you shook her off stubbornly, insisting that you were fine.

"what if the others get hurt? i have to help them or at least warn them!" your resolve was firm and unwavering that even utahime couldn't convince you otherwise. slipping out of her grasp, you sprinted towards the source of the cursed energy. from far away you could already see the damage that the curse had caused. multiple buildings were torn apart, trees dislodged and- were those branches rapidly growing out of the ground? you watched in horror as the branches whipped around, following running figures on the rooftop of one of the buildings. upping your speed, you jumped towards the group to aid them. as you neared them, you could make out inumaki, noritoshi, and megumi fighting against the curse, maki trailing close behind. 

they barely stood a chance against the curse, every hit that they dealt, the curse would come out unscathed. "what's the deal with that curse?" you asked, panting as you joined them, coming to a halt behind inumaki. megumi was yelling something but you couldn't hear him as noritoshi turned to you and shoved you out of the way.

"y/n, what are you doing here?" 

"helping you guys? what the fuck does it look like?" you yelled back exasperated. why was he mad at you in such a situation? they needed any helping hand they could get to defeat the curse. while you weren't useful in fights, you could at least provide continuous healing. noritoshi didn't have any time to reply as the curse lashed out again, dodging it by jumping to the side. you stayed close to inumaki, swiftly healing him when he collapsed from the rebound of his cursed speech. you clenched your jaw, not wanting the others to see that you were slowly running out of energy and strength. next thing you know, a body was hurled through the air, landing near you with a thud. your heart filled with dread when your eyes fell onto the figure, recognizing noritoshi.

"y/n, heal them as best as you can and get out of here! take them to the teachers!" maki yelled out and this time you obeyed, too panicked about noritoshi's state. you were thankful that inumaki had enough energy to run after you'd healed him - hauling noritoshi's tall frame around was already difficult enough but even more so when you were exhausted. as you neared the gates, utahime was already running towards you with a concerned look on her face. you were glad that she was nearby, it meant that gojo and the other teachers were close and could defend you.

"what happened?" utahime worried but you couldn't reply. falling to your knees, you gently laid noritoshi on the ground. the injuries looked bad, there was blood everywhere. you had to stop the wound on his head from bleeding but your trembling hands were preventing you from doing so.

"i- i don't know, i just- i think the curse hit him and now he's unconscious and he's losing so much blood and-"

utahime pinched you firmly, snapping you out of your panic. she was already holding a cloth to noritoshi's temple to stop the bleeding. patting your hand, she told you in a gentle voice: "heal him if you still have enough strength but don't overexert yourself. ieiri will be here soon." 

nodding frantically, you placed your trembling hands on his abdomen and let your cursed energy flow. the strength was slowly leaving your body but you had to save him. you had to make sure he was okay, he couldn't die, not like this. regret was bubbling up inside you; what if this was the last time you would ever get to see him?just as you felt his energy responding to yours and saw his hand moving slightly, you couldn't hold yourself upright anymore. the last thing you saw was utahime reaching out to catch you as you collapsed.

you woke up with a startle, gasping for air as you sat up abruptly. sunlight was flooding the room and it felt uncomfortably hot on your skin. you pushed the blanket back but stopped halfway in your movement. your entire body hurt, muscles burning and screaming for more rest. and yet you couldn’t stay still as you remembered the previous events. how long were you out for? was everyone okay? gritting your teeth, you slowly moved out of the room. again, you were faced with the endless maze that was the tokyo tech buildings and stopped in your tracks, not sure which direction to go. you let out a sigh of relief when you spotted yuji in the distance, waving at him to get his attention.

“y/n!” yuji ran towards you, frantically gesturing towards your room. “you’re supposed to be resting! what are you doing here?”

“is everyone okay?” you croaked, now realizing how dry your throat was.

“yeah, ieiri did a good job of healing everyone! some of us are still resting though and so should you.”

“no, i… is noritoshi okay?”

“noritoshi? oh, you mean the guy with the long hair?” yuji nodded, curiously eyeing you as your shoulders dropped, the stress rolling of them. “yeah, he’s still recovering though. ieiri said that his injuries were probably the worst so he’s not allowed to leave the bed.”

“can you take me to him?” you asked with a small voice, doing your best to muster up a puppy face. yuji sighed, scratching his head sheepishly. you could see the conflict in his eyes, that he was thinking about rejecting your request. in the end, he shook his head in defeat and motioned for you to follow him. a small grin found its way onto your lips - yuji was just too nice, he couldn’t say no when people ask him for favours. the walk to noritoshi’s room was silent, neither of you knowing what to say. you knew it was selfish of you not to ask him about his wellbeing more or visit the others but you just had to see for yourself that noritoshi was okay. yuji stopped in front of a door, pointing at it.

“this is his room. he might be sleeping though… my room is down the hall so if you need me to accompany you back to your room, just call me.”

you thanked him quietly and watched as he retreated. taking a deep breath, you knocked at the door and waited for a reply. a few moments passed before noritoshi’s voice rang out, giving you the okay to enter. gingerly, you opened the door and entered the room. noritoshi was sitting on his bed, reading a book as if nothing had happened. you looked at him bewildered. he didn’t look like his injuries fazed him at all. despite the bandages around his head and arms, he remained calm as if nothing hurt. 

“noritoshi,” you breathed out, taking a seat on the chair near the bed. he didn’t spare you a look, keeping his eyes on the book. “i uhm. i’m glad you’re okay! when i saw you in that state, i was so so scared that i could lose you… i did my best to heal you, i know i didn’t do much but-”

“i didn’t need your help,” noritoshi snapped at you, placing the book on his lap. “i would’ve been fine without it.”

you were stunned. why was he so agitated? after you initial shock, you huffed in frustration. “what the hell, you could’ve died! i was trying so hard to keep you alive and you react like this? i know you don’t like me but even this is a low blow for you!”

“it wouldn’t have been a problem if you hadn’t inserted yourself into everything! you’re not helping anyone, just dragging us down; everything could’ve gone well if it wasn’t for you standing in the way,” noritoshi countered as frustrated, this time actually looking at you. you stared back at him in disbelief. you saved his life and he had the nerve to shot you down like this.

“does it really hurt your ego to admit that i was actually helpful? we were friends at some point so why do you insist on being such a dick? and here i was, finally thinking that we were getting somewhere- for fuck’s sake, we kissed and-”

“leave.”

you stopped rambling. the tired tone in his voice, the deadpan look on his face; he was serious. you couldn’t believe him. tears welled up in your eyes as you leaped from the chair and hastily exited the room, slamming the door in anger. 

you never wanted to see him again.

p.s: yes nobara gave you a wrong sketch of the buildings what about it hehe

taglist: @milkteeboba​

[thekisforkeats]

So a European told me today “must be nice to have a culture.”

And I... kind of lost it.

Context: we’d been chatting for a while, and I’d already had to deal with a couple of moments of... white people being white. Being clueless and talking over people, not being outright racist but saying clueless shit. The first couple of times I explained what was wrong and moved on.

To try to lighten the mood, I shared a video of the Métis jig that’s been going around. It’s a really great dance, and the video has some context on it--specifically that the dance had been suppressed for a long time.

I was talking about the Métis people, and how they had created their own unique culture, which I personally find really fascinating and inspiring as a mixed indigenous/Native person. It’s a hopeful thing--even if they wound up losing a lot of that culture, and having to fight to get it back, there was a time where people could create new things without having to burn down the old.

(And I am not Métis, so if I am misrepresenting Métis culture and history here please feel free to correct me.)

But the key thing is that I mentioned being “cut off from everything.” Because I am. Because I cannot wholly embrace my European ancestry. Because I don’t know Kanien’kahe:ka or Choctaw. Because I am stuck between two worlds and sometimes it feels like a struggle to try to create anything new, any hopeful way forward.

And then they said “it must be nice to have a culture.”

This is a European. Living in Europe.

I lost it.

Any white person, and particularly any European, who thinks “I don’t have a culture”--don’t try to justify this stance. Stop and consider that you don’t feel you have a culture because your culture took over the world. Literally, Western European culture is everywhere.

And yes, I am lumping in all of Europe here, and no, I don’t care how different you all think you are, I was getting the same exact attitude from someone in France and someone in the UK. An attitude of “my specific experience is better than anyone else’s.” An attitude of “I don’t know about this so I will disparage it instead of politely asking questions.” An attitude of becoming defensive upon being called out. The same attitude I get from American white people. You’re not that different. You’re really not.

Culture is about food, and language, and art, and religion, and music.

I do not eat the food of my Native ancestors. I don’t even know what most of it was, and if I did, I couldn’t find it in a grocery store, and where I can it’s being marked up for white people to eat. (Wild rice, anyone?)

I do not know their languages, and I probably never will. There’s no Duolingo for Choctaw or Kanien’kahe:ka

If I use art or music of my ancestors I am derided and belittled or else white people come in to steal it and claim it as their own.

My ancestral religions were outlawed in the US until three years before I was born.

And before any European goes “well that’s the US, not me!” No. No. It’s you. It’s still you. The US just imported all the colonialist bullshit your ancestors put out there, and you’re still being isolationist and racist while the world is on fire.

The saddest part is, I don’t hate European culture as such. I am mixed! Many of my ancestors were from the UK or France or Austria! I love frybread, and I love soda bread, and I love strudel! I honor all of my ancestors, and the complex and difficult relationship I have with them. Some of my ancestors are the same people who did the colonizing and the genocide. I have to live with that. But many of them were good people living difficult lives, just like many of the people I know today.

I owe a great deal of my moral and ethical upbringing to my Oma, who was Austrian. She was 9 years old when the Nazis came--invited in, I will note, as she made sure we knew--and her family detested them, and she lost friends. She left as soon as she could. She taught me about her homeland, and she taught me about solidarity, and about the evils of sympathizers. She taught me about the Holocaust. She refused to let those horrible things go silent to her children and grandchildren. She did her best to teach us what she knew of my Opa’s culture, the few things he’d shared when their children were young, because she knew it was important. She was not perfect, but she tried.

White Europeans do not have to continue to be complicit in racism and colonialism and genocide. You can choose to do better.

The first thing to do? Shut up. Seriously. Stop talking. Sit down and listen. Maybe it’s hard, maybe you’ve come from an abusive background, maybe you’re neurodivergent. Maybe you’ve had to be quiet all your life already.

But I am all of those things, too, and I am a survivor of a very recent attempted genocide. Imagine how much time I have spent in my life being talked over. Being told to be quiet. To not make a scene.

Maybe you’re young, but I knew better than to say that sort of thing before I hit puberty. I had to, because to be a person of color--even a mixed one, even one with light enough skin to pass for white--is to be deeply aware of these things at all times.

Which is not to say I haven’t had my moments. I have. But dear gods am I aware of them.

And that’s the thing--the lack of awareness. The lack of consideration. The continual spouting of something clueless and hurtful and then “oh I didn’t know” as the response.

You should know. If you don’t, then go learn.

And for the love of all that is holy, if you read this in the tags and you’re some random person who didn’t already follow me, don’t come into my damn inbox looking for education, because I will kick your ass out so fast your head will spin. If you’re on the internet in 2021, there are so many resources about European colonization and white supremacy that you have no excuse not to at least try to learn things on your own.

The one lesson I will give? Stop talking. Start listening. I don’t need to hear your cutesy shit about how different France and England are from each other. You both did horrible awful fucked up things in the not-so-distant past. Stop talking about yourselves and start listening to the people affected.