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[otakusheep15]

Flufftober Day 31 - Proposal - Savanaclaw

Characters include: Leona Kingscholar, Ruggie Bucchi, Jack Howl

Word count: 1934

Leona

Who proposes: Leona

Leona is not a marriage type of guy. He’s not even much of a dating guy in general. It all seemed so arbitrary to him. It makes sense, considering the way he was raised growing up. In his world, marriage was less about love and more about power. They were merely glorified alliances used to unite kingdoms. 

Then, Leona met you. At first, he considered you a fun fling. He would take you out, buy you whatever you asked for, and generally found you entertaining. He certainly never thought he would actually fall for you. But, eventually, even he couldn’t deny his feelings any longer, and from that day forward, your relationship was serious. 

He loves you so, so much, but the thought of marriage was still a strange concept to him. For one, he would need the approval of his parents, which just seemed like a chore to him. He knew they would probably say yes to the idea, but it still felt like too much. 

However, he would also be willing to do anything for you. So, after many discussions between the two of you, he decided to finally suck it up and ask his parents. It wasn’t easy for him, if only because it felt a bit humiliating, but his parents agreed, meaning he was now free to propose to you. 

This is the one thing he wouldn’t let his parents control. Sure, he had to ask them for permission, but he would decide how to do it. This was between you and him, and he wanted to keep it that way. 

He rejected the idea to propose using some family heirloom. It seemed cheap and unoriginal, and Leona didn’t want to do that to you. You deserve something that is just for you, something that shows how much he loves you. 

So, after some debating, he settles on commissioning a custom ring from the best jewelry maker he can find. Money is no worry, of course, and he has the ring perfectly customized to suit you. It’s a beautiful ring, and he knows you’ll love it. 

At this point, it’s no surprise that he’s planning to propose. The surprise left the moment he had to ask his parents. Still, he wanted this to be as memorable as possible, so he took it upon himself to make everything perfect. 

You adored the gardens on the palace grounds. There’s such a variety of plants and animals, and you spend a lot of time there. Leona likes it too, but more so because it’s an excellent napping place. He figures it’s the best place to propose to you. 

He guides you through the gardens, stopping in his favorite part, which is a hidden spot far away from the prying eyes around the palace. Once there, he gets down on one knee, presenting the ring to you. 

It’s rare for Leona to get sappy, even with you, but he does here. This is the most emotion you’ve ever seen from him, and it makes you tear up a bit. He’s actually being vulnerable with you, which you love. You say yes, and he slips the ring on your finger. 

Then, he pulls you down with him, laying on his side and holding you close to him. After all that he went through to propose to you, he needs a rest. The two of you take a well-deserved nap, knowing you’re going to need the energy for when you go talk to his family about the proposal. 

Your wedding is, much to Leona’s displeasure, a grand event. He wanted something small, but he is still royalty, and this is a big deal. His family is in charge of planning most of the wedding, but you do get a small say here and there when there’s wiggle room. There’s plenty of guests, most of them allies of the country, but you did manage to sneak some of your friends onto the guest list as well. Leona mostly stuck to the sidelines unless he had to talk to someone, and you were more than happy to stay with him until you could finally return to your room. 

Ruggie

Who proposed: Ruggie

Ruggie has not thought about marriage once. He has far too much going on to worry about such trivial things. Not to mention, Ruggie didn’t exactly have the best relationships to look up to as a kid. He has no parents, his Gran has always been single, and most of the couples in his neighborhood are toxic and on the verge of divorce. 

It took Ruggie forever to even consider dating you. He couldn’t afford to for the longest time. He always had something going on, whether it be a new side hustle or a new scheme. Eventually, his schedule does clear up, and he finally agrees to date you. 

From there, things go better than expected. He’s still constantly busy, but he’s able to clear up time for you, and that’s more than enough. Even when he’s swamped with work, Ruggie never neglects you, always taking time to ensure you’re happy with the relationship. 

It takes him a long time to consider the idea of marrying you. He honestly likes where the two of you are at. He has a stable job, and he’s slowly climbing the corporate ladder. Of course, he still has a few side hustles here and there as well, just in case. You have a nice job of your own, and you’re both happy. Marriage just isn’t necessary in his eyes. 

At least, not until his Gran gets the idea into his head. Ever since she first met you, she’s been bugging Ruggie about popping the question. It’s rare that someone from their village gets to live the life he’s currently living, and she thinks he deserves to marry you after how hard he worked to get here. 

For a while, he thought she sounded ridiculous. He’s already happy where he’s at right now; why would being legally binded make it any different? But, the longer he sits with the idea, the more he can’t help but crave it. All things considered, the two of you are pretty comfortable right now. He could certainly afford a ring and a small wedding, but is that what he really wants? 

Ruggie has spent so much time denying the idea of something like marriage because he always assumed it was something he could never have. Now that he’s legitimately faced with the possibility, he’s lost and pretty confused. 

He mills it over for a while, trying his best to hide his feelings from you. Normally, he hates lying to you about something like this, but he doesn’t want to worry you, or, worse, freak you out. If you weren’t ready for marriage, him bringing it up might upset you, and he wants to avoid that. 

Although, he can only hide it for so long before you start to notice. When you bring up your concerns about him, he breaks easily, and he spills his guts about how this has been eating him up inside. You listen as he talks, considering his words as you think of how to respond. 

You love him, of course you do. And, whether or not he wants to marry you, that will never change. You reassure him that, whatever he decides, you’ll stick with him. If he does want to get married, you’ll be happy, and if he decides he’s comfortable where the two of you are at, you’ll be happy here too. 

That’s pretty much all of the motivation he needs. Without a ring or a plan, he drops to one knee and proposes to you right there, promising to get you a ring the second you say yes. You do, and Ruggie immediately pulls you into a tight hug. Later that day, the two of you go ring shopping, and his Gran is very happy when you call her to tell her the news. 

Your wedding would hardly be considered a wedding by most. It’s more like a small get-together in his neighborhood mostly consisting of the children he grew up taking care of. Many of them are grown now, but they all took part in the festivities. Ruggie, of course, is mostly excited about the food that was paid for by other people, and he makes sure to bring some to-go containers. You have to remind him that it is his wedding, and he can take home all of the leftovers if he wants. That makes him almost as happy as he is during your vows. 

Jack

Who proposes: Jack

Jack has always secretly dreamed about marriage. Wolf beastmen are very family-oriented and prefer living in packs. It’s very common for them to find a partner early on and stick with them. Jack is no exception. 

The second he laid eyes on you, he knew you were the one. It’s cheesy and a bit embarrassing, but it’s true. It was almost like his instincts were screaming at him when he saw you, and he knew right then and there. 

Courting was a bit strange. You did not know what was happening for the longest time, and Jack was far too awkward to explain himself. Eventually, you manage to figure out what he’s trying to do, and you officially begin dating after that. 

His family just absolutely adores you. They’re excited to have you as a part of the pack, which also makes Jack feel reassured that he made a good choice with you. 

If confessing was an awkward experience, proposing is by far much worse for Jack. To be honest, he’s been wanting to propose since the second you both graduated, but he knew better than to spring it on you back then, and he’s still hesitating a bit in the present. 

Realistically, he knows you’ll say yes, but he’s always been a bit shy about expressing such intense emotions, and proposing is nothing but expressing intense emotions. His family are a huge support for him during this time, as they always have been. They encourage him to go for it, and that does help him quite a bit. 

He goes ring shopping, taking his time to pick out a ring that screams you. If you’re going to be wearing it, he wants you to like it. 

His proposal is actually much simpler than he initially thought it would be. He gets home after ring shopping, and he asks to talk to you. You look at him expectantly, and he wastes no time in getting to the point. He kneels down in front of you, presenting the ring to you. He does feel his tail wagging a bit at the look of shock and awe on your face, and he knows he made the perfect choice. 

You say yes, of course, and his tail goes turbo mode. Despite his confidence that you’d say yes, he was still nervous. This is a huge deal after all. Once some of the emotions have calmed down, he calls his parents, assuring them that everything went well. It’s cute hearing how excited they are, and they promise to come visit soon so they can see the ring in person. 

Your wedding is a pretty average wedding in the best way possible. It’s fancy but not over-the-top, and the guest list is just big enough to fit the most important people in your lives. Jack did manage to convince you to get cupcakes that were decorated to look like cacti, and they actually came out looking adorable.

[marvelwitchergilmore]

Sweetheart

Summary: Tyler Owens x Fe!Reader -> Times when you told Tyler to not call you 'Sweetheart' and the one time you did.

Disclaimer: This had been a w-i-p over the last couple of days so if it feels patchy, I apologise. Best friends to lovers, mutual pining, completely oblivious and scared idiots. Two almost kisses, one actual kiss, long love confession, little angst, lots of fluff, one bed trope, fake dating (sorta), lots of uses of the nickname 'Sweetheart', getting caught in a tornado, cowboy romance books mentioned. Not Proof Read.

You could remember the first time you told Tyler to stop calling you ‘Sweetheart’. 

It had been when he had been fixing his truck outside the fifth motel of the season. 

You’d both been friends for years. Ever since college. In fact, you were the first friend he made there. You’d been sitting under a tree since every bench either had a couple or a massive group of friends at each one. That was when he joined you. 

“Hey, do you mind if I sit here? It looks like most places are taken.”

Moving your bag from the spare patch, you let him sit down. Then you noticed his text book. 

You both got to talking and you found out your classes shared a building, and with a similar timetable for classes and a shared fear of student society nights, you both stuck together. 

Tyler took you to a couple of rodeos, showing you round and explaining everything that went on behind the scenes. Which was also when you found out he was an ex-bull rider. 

You showed him around campus and the best place to study, and when neither of you were working, you’d show him around your home town. 

And the rest was history. 

You’d both been together ever since. 

However, it wasn’t until after you both experienced an EF-4 whilst ‘off duty’ that you found something out about yourself. 

You were in love with Tyler. 

Of course, you’d always loved him as a friend. He was your best-friend and had been for years. Except, until that moment, you didn’t realise how deeply. And you couldn’t remember when it had happened. Had it been right away and you just confused it with friendship love? Or was it long after you made friends with him? 

You had a thousand and one questions about it, but something you didn’t question was how Tyler felt about you. Of course, he loved you, too. You were one of his best friends. But that was how he loved you. As a friend. 

And you were happy with that. More so considering letting your new fact be known out-loud might not only cost you your job but also your long time friendship with someone who you considered family.

Except, as time went on, you picked up on more and more things. Like how you always leaned into him, or found yourself by his side at most times of the day. Or like how he threw his arm around you when everyone sat around the campfire, or how you’d fall asleep beside him only to wake up in your bed the next morning. 

Or like how he’d always called you ‘Sweetheart’. Like he just did, when he asked you to hand him the socket wrench. 

“You know, you gotta stop calling me that. People are gonna think we’re together.”

Tyler took the wrench from you with a small chuckle. “But I always call you that.”

“That’s my point. What if someone wants to chat you up but they think you’re with me?”

“But I am with you.” Tyler told you. 

You scoffed and kicked the sole of his boot lightly. “I’m being serious. What if you miss out on meeting your wife? The mother of your children because she thinks you’re with me?”

From under his truck, Tyler rolled out. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine. Why?”

Everything wasn’t fine, but the less he knew about it the better. 

“You’ve never had a problem with me calling you Sweetheart before.”

You shrugged, trying your best to remain casual about it. “I was just thinking about it, s’all.”

Tyler hummed in confusion before disappearing back beneath his truck. “Okay, I’ll try not to call you Sweetheart in public anymore.”

Though he couldn’t see, you gave a small nod to thank him. You didn’t want to let him know that it was killing you asking that of him. You loved when he called you different nicknames, because that was him. If nothing else was right in the world, you knew he was. 

But the more and more you became aware of who you were when you were with him, the more you started to think about how it would start to affect him, even if he didn’t realise it. 

Except, for as much as he tried, he still slipped up every now and again. 

But the second time you told him to stop calling you that, he’d fully done it with intent. 

Another week, another motel. Only, this time there weren’t enough rooms to go around, with the rodeo in town. So, whilst you stood and listened to everyone fight over who had to share, you searched for some sticks before shoving them into the middle of the group circle. 

“Lily, here. Whoever pulls the short straw shares. I need the bathroom.”

So, you disappeared. 

However, when you came back, you found most of your family disappearing into their own rooms whilst Tyler was still standing inside of the motel office. 

“I think he’s gonna need your help.” Lily told you as she grabbed her bag from her car. 

A little confused, you followed her advice and headed for the office. Only when you opened the door…

“Ty, Lily said-”

“Sweetheart! There you are. Thought you’d gotten lost.” You were about to correct him and tell him to stop calling you when suddenly, you found yourself being dragged to his side. “Molly, this is my girlfriend.”

“She’s not your wife?”

Tyler seemed to panic for a moment. 

What the hell was going on?

“Is everything-”

Tyler looked at you, but something in his eyes begged you not to ask. 

“Well, no. Not exactly.”

“Well,” the owner drawled. “How long have you two been together?”

“Just a little over ten years.”

She almost exploded. “Ten years?! And you still haven’t put a ring on it yet? Oh, honey, what are you two doing?”

Tyler chuckled a little all the while your body became fully aware of his arm around your waist and his hand at your hip. “See, that’s the thing. We wanted to get married but-”

“Your parents don’t approve?”

You practically gave yourself whiplash for how quickly you turned to look at her, an offended look on your face. Okay, maybe you didn’t look your best but you’d all been on the road for six hours and you hadn’t slept the night before. And it wasn’t your fault Tyler looked good at any time of the day. 

Tyler, a little shocked himself, shook his head. 

“Her parents don’t approve?”

“Well,” Tyler seemed to be making it up as he went along. “Her parents don’t believe in marriage.”

You came back to earth. Lying, right. 

You nodded your head. “I’d love to get married but I kinda want my folks to be there. But, we’re getting around them, aren’t we, honey?”

You tried your best to ignore how easily the pet name rolled off your tongue for Tyler. 

Tyler smiled and you could have sworn he blushed. “That’s right.”

The owner looked between you both. “Well, I suppose…that’s okay. Here’s your key. I hope you two have a nice stay.”

“We will, thank you.”

Taking the key, Tyler took hold of your hand before opening the door for you and leading you outside. Once more, your hand was in his all the way towards the car, only having him let go when he climbed into the bed of his truck to grab his luggage and your own. 

“Do you…” You looked to see if the owner was still watching. She wasn’t. “Do you wanna tell me what just happened?”

“She thinks we’re together.”

“That’s my point.” You told him. “Why?”

He hopped down from his truck. “Boone took the short straw and since you were in the bathroom, the others called their own rooms. But, since he’s eaten nothing but spicy tacos for the last three days, I offered to share with you.”

“What a gentleman.”

Tyler smiled. “You’re welcome.”

“That still doesn’t explain why she thinks we’re together.”

“Hey,” Tyler held his hands up. “I was gonna correct her but then she started talking about how nobody who wasn’t wed shouldn’t share a room. So, when you walked in, I just rolled with it. The next motel is an hour away, but the rodeo in town is probably booked up.”

And everyone was tired. Dragging everyone back on the road would just feel illegal. 

So, taking your bag from him, you followed him up to your shared room. With just one bed. 

Considering the owner didn’t like unmarried couples sharing a room, it shouldn’t have been as much of a shock as it was. 

“Want me to take the floor? You already offered to share, seems fair.”

Tyler shook his head. “That bed could fit me, you, and probably a herd of cattle.”

You rolled your eyes before walking inside and dumping your bag on the small bench by the window. 

“We can share.”

Remember; normal. 

You and Tyler had shared a bed a hundred times before. This was no different. Other than your self-aware feelings for him and the fact that you’d been trying to complete less of them ever since. 

“Okay.”

And like normal, you both took your registered sides. Tyler by the door, you by the window. 

Barely an hour later, both yourself and Tyler were lying in bed staring at the ceiling. 

“How many people do you think have lied about being married just to get a room here?”

You shrugged. “Considering there are like, a thousand romance books out there with the main couples doing that exact thing…I guess…a lot.”

Tyler turned to you with a shocked smile on his face. 

“What?”

“You read romance books?”

You furrowed your brows a little. If you had been talking to anyone else, or talking to Tyler before you found yourself harbouring such a big secret from not only him but also yourself, you would have owned it. 

But this was a man you had secretly been in love with for god only knows how long. 

“I read other stuff, too.” You managed to stutter out. 

“I’ve never once seen you read a book that isn’t a textbook.”

“And? Plenty of people read romance. That’s why it’s a genre.”

“So, what else happens in these romances of yours?”

“They’re not my romances.” You clarified. But nothing could wipe that shit-eating grin from his face. 

“Are they all as cheesy as they used to be?”

You found yourself stumped at that question. “Used to be? Wait, you’ve read a romance book?”

Tyler nodded. “Just after I got stomped on by my second bull, I was waiting with the medic. I got bored and she gave me a book to read.”

“And how was it?”

“Cheesy,” Tyler said. “But the cover did have a half naked man on the cover. The doc tried to pass it off as her friends, but since she went bright red in the face, I knew it was her. So, what are yours?”

Then he started listing off different characters, revelling in the embarrassment it was causing you to admit it to him. 

“A hot firefighter who saves kittens from trees? A…18th century Duke from London, England who just so happens to ‘hate’ his sister’s best friend? That was what the Doc’s book was. Oh my god, is it a Prince in disguise who falls in love with the local baker and they win a pie contest together?”

“You’re an asshole.” You told him before turning over. 

“Oh, come on.” Tyler laughed. “Just tell me. If you don’t, I can always ask Boone to go through your goodreads. Maybe I want to buy you one for your birthday, but I don’t know which one you’ve already-”

“It’s cowboys.” You felt like you were shouting. 

“What?” You could already hear the grin on his face, which made you only try and repress yours. But he heard it anyway. 

“It’s cowboys. Bull riders, ranch owners, cowboys. Those are the romances I, mainly, read.”

You managed to build up enough courage to turn onto your back, only to look over and see Tyler’s smile still on his face. 

“Go on, go ahead. Laugh at it.”

“Are any of them Tornado Wranglers?” 

With a laugh behind your voice, you threw a pillow at his head. “Shut up and go to sleep.”

From behind you, you heard him laugh as he fixed his pillow. “Whatever you say, Sweetheart.”

You turned the lamp off. “Go to sleep.”

He was still smiling as he turned his own off. “Night, Sweetheart.”

By the time you woke up in the morning, you were scrambling to find out where you were. 

In your head, you’d been in bed with Tyler. You’d all been sitting around the campfire, listening to Tyler finally agree to tell an actual spooky story. Of course, after scaring the crap out of you, Dexter told a nicer one which…you fell asleep to. Only, you’d woken to Tyler being in your bed. He’d carried you to bed. Again. But, just as you were laying in his arm, you felt the ground beneath you begin to shake before a cold draft came up the back of your neck. 

By the time you turned to look at the window, you saw…

Flying cows. 

Tuning back around, everything went from colourful to dim. Almost black and white. You could just about make Tyler out beneath the covers but each time you took a step, you found yourself unable to move. 

But when you finally did move, a pair of arms reached for you and held you back to the window. 

You woke up with a start, trying to figure out where you were. 

You were in bed. 

With a pair of arms around you. 

You sat up. 

You were in bed. 

In a motel. 

With Tyler. 

You were in bed with Tyler. 

For the second time in less than twenty four hours, you nearly gave yourself whiplash. The window was open a little. Tyler must have woken up in the night and opened it. But there were no flying cows. You made a mental note to not watch The Wizard of Oz, and have it be the last thing you watch, before bed.

Looking down at a sleeping Tyler, you noticed where his arms were around you. Around your back, and since you’d moved to sit up quickly, across your thighs with his hand closer to your hip. 

Trying your best, you tried to ignore how attractive he looked even when he was asleep. You’d seen the same image many a hundred times in the last ten years, and yet it never got old. Of course, at the time you weren’t trying to bury feelings. 

Slowly, you tried to peel yourself from him only to have him tighten his hold on you and pull you back towards him a little. 

“S’everything okay, Sweetheart?”

Sweetheart. Morning voice. Looking like that.

“Every…” You swallowed and forced yourself to look away before he caught the heat on your cheeks. “Everything…everything’s fine.”

Having most of his face buried into his pillow, he opened up one eye and looked at you. “You’re looking a little flushed there, Sweetheart.”

The nickname rolled so easily off his tongue, you knew he didn’t notice how casually he used it with you. 

If you weren’t awake before, you were when he spoke. 

Almost throwing yourself from him, you scooted out of bed and stood up. “I’m fine. Promise. I’m gonna get some coffee.” It almost sounded like a question as you looked around for your jeans. 

From behind you, you heard him shuffle around the bedsheets. When you looked back, you almost melted at the sight. Lay there in bed, watching you with that smile on his face that you could never quite pin a meaning to. One arm behind his head, the other out of the covers and by his side, white tee on, his pj pants that you’d gotten him almost seven christmases ago just visible from the flipped corner of the bed. 

“Yeah. Coffee. You want one?”

“You sure you’re okay? You never usually have this much energy in the morning.” Tyler said. “Sure you don’t wanna wait. Don’t think the diner’s even open.”

“That’s okay.” You grabbed a random shirt from the chair by the small dining table. 

Again, that smile was on Tyler’s face. 

“I’ll be back soon.”

From their own rooms, the others watched as you left your shared room with Tyler, dressed in his shirt, looking like you’d just rolled out of bed. 

Lily: Do you think something finally happened?

Dex: If something did, I don’t think she’d look so freaked. 

Dani: Or be leaving their bed so early in the morning…

By the time Tyler had actually gotten out of bed, showered and had changed, you still weren’t back from your freaked coffee run. 

“Hey, Boone!”

“Yeah, dude?”

“You seen Y/n?”

Boone shook his head. “No. Why?”

Tyler looked…sad. And confused. “Nothing. No reason.”

But rather than wait around, he went and looked for you. And it wasn’t long before he found you. Sat inside a mostly empty cafe-diner, you were waiting on another two coffee’s to go. 

“Hey.”

Tyler could have sworn you’d jumped out of your skin. 

“Oh, hey.”

“Was starting to get worried. Need some help.”

You looked at the two coffee holders. “Uh, sure.”

Tyler watched you. You couldn’t look him in the eye. And you still looked flushed. He was starting to get worried. For years, you’d both been attached at the hip. But in the last six months, you’d asked him to stop calling you ‘Sweetheart’, had stopped leaning into him or even standing by his side when in a group. You’d stopped fighting Boone for riding shotgun with him. You’d stopped falling asleep on his shoulder or even sitting beside him at night. And he was pretty sure if the owner of the motel didn’t make a point of the married couple sharing a room, you would have taken the flatbed of his truck over sharing a room with him. 

“Are we okay?”

That got you to look him in the eye. “What?”

“I just mean…Are you sure you’re okay? In all the years I’ve known you, you’ve never even been awake before a diner has opened unless you’ve had to be.”

You nodded and looked back at the drinks. “I just needed coffee, that’s all.”

“But if something was going on, you would tell me, right?”

You forced yourself to look at him, hoping he wouldn’t see through your lie. “Of course.”

Tyler nodded, but something in his gut told him you weren't telling him the full truth. 

Either way, he kept his eye on you for the rest of the day. And the days that followed. 

You’d always go to bed earlier than everyone else, or much later. He’d fall asleep watching you read over data and old textbooks but would wake up and catch a glimpse of you curled up either on the bench by the window or on the bed beside him reading a book he could only guess was a ‘Cowboy Romance’ considering a cowboy hat was just one of the small details designed into the cover. 

He’d smile and close his eyes again, listening to you turn the pages every now and again, gasp quietly or let out a soft laugh every now and again. 

Only, when the morning came round, if he woke up before you, he’d close his eyes, still holding you close because he knew the moment you woke up, you’d stay still for a moment but if he moved, you’d shoot right out of bed. 

It was getting harder and harder each day to pretend you didn’t worry him. And it was getting even harder to ignore the feeling in his chest he got each time he looked at you, or heard your voice or even thought about you. 

But all of that finally came to a head a few days after rolling into town when a tornado hit. 

All the data had shown no tornado was meant to come into town and what with the rodeo on, everyone headed down to it. Walking down there, Tyler could remember when he first brought you to one of the circuits he used to run on. He’d loved to have you there. To have you know of his life before he met you, because in a way, it put you there. Like, even if you hadn’t met til college, you had a place in all aspects of his life. 

And for the first time in months, you met his eye and smiled. Like you used to. Watching the bull riders, and the cowboys and him asking you if you remembered when you and him first attended a rodeo together. 

But just as he looked back at you, your gaze matched his for a second too long and…you looked away. Flushed, embarrassed, then…annoyed. 

Not at him. He knew that look off by heart. 

You were annoyed at yourself. 

But why?

Forcing himself to look back at the rodeo, he tried his best to not think too deeply into why you were annoyed with yourself. But it still worried him. 

But then something else worried him. 

Everyone’s alert on their phones. 

“We weren’t picking up cells this way.” 

One look shared between both yourself and Tyler let the other know what to do. People had to get to shelter there and then. And for the next fifteen minutes, everyone started running, staring up their engines to drive away or running to find shelter. 

You and the rest of the team helped who you could before finding shelter for yourselves. 

“Down here!”

Tyler pulled you closer and followed you down the steps inside the cramped underground shelter before you helped him shut the doors. Bolting it shut before the Tornado could whip them open again, you and him (like everyone else) huddled to the floor. 

With his arm across your back, you turned into him, gripping onto his shirt for dear life. And despite the rattling of the doors, people’s nervous screams and the battered weather outside, you eventually only heard one thing. 

“It’s okay. We’re okay.” 

Tyler’s voice in your ear provided soothing words that eventually started to slow your heartbeat. He pressed a kiss into your hair, his other hand coming around your front, before holding onto your hand that was gripping onto his shirt. 

“We’re okay. I promise. Just breathe, Sweetheart. Breathe with me.”

And you did. 

You didn’t know when the tornado had passed or when everyone felt like they could breathe again. But you did know you’d just fallen so deeply in love with Tyler at the thought of losing him, even if he’d been wrapped around you the entire time, that you were almost paralysed in those moments. 

Slowly, you looked back up and directly at him. Any closer and you both might have kissed. Tyler’s eyes were searching your face just as yours were searching his. He was okay. He wasn’t hurt. No scars. No bruises. 

Instinctively, he let his hand from round your back come to your face, pushing the hair from it all the while letting his finger trace your cheekbone and your cheek. 

If he didn’t fear losing you forever, he would have kissed you. 

“I love you,” he said in his head. 

“Tyler…”

He just nodded. “We’re okay.”

Leaning forward, you hugged him and he hugged you back. 

It was slow getting back to the motel. It wasn’t until early hours. You took turns getting cleaned up and for the first time in a long time, you didn’t scoot to the end of the bed only to make your way over to him in your sleep. 

As he climbed into bed, you turned towards him. 

“Come here.”

That night, you fell asleep in his embrace, listening to his heartbeat inside of his chest. Feeling his lips press a kiss to your temple twice before he locked you inside his hold, warming your entire body. 

And when a lighter morning rolled in, Tyler woke to his name being quietly called. 

You were having a nightmare. 

Holding you closer to his chest, he stroked the back of your head with one of his hands before his other hand took hold of yours. He pressed a kiss into your palm before pressing a similar one to your temple. 

“Shhh, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here, Sweetheart. I’m right here.”

You calmed after that. But you woke up not long after. However, before you could scoot away from him and launch yourself out of bed before your body was ready for it, he told you something.

“You were calling out for me. You were having a nightmare.”

Going off your previous track record, you were about to lie. Tell him you weren’t or that you weren’t even having a nightmare. That you’d been arguing with him or you’d been talking to him and the other Wranglers. 

But you didn’t. 

You told him the truth. 

“You were hurt.”

Tyler was a little taken aback. 

“You were hurt and I needed you to be okay.”

Tyler didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if your nightmare had been frequent or if it was just a fluke after everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours. 

So all he could do was say…

“Sweetheart.” 

His voice soft, his touch even softer against your skin and yet secure in all the same aspects, he pulled you closer to him as he pressed a kiss to your head. 

“I’m okay. I promise I’m okay. I’m right here.”

He kissed your hand. “I’m right here.”

All you could do was just…look at him. 

The man you’d been best friends with for as long as you could remember, the man who’d shown and invited you into parts of his life, the man who had invited you to be apart for the rest of it, the man who you’d spent almost every single day with ever since, the man who you’d been and only fallen deeper in love with each day…was right by your side. 

He was right in front of you. 

He wasn’t a dream. 

He wasn’t a nightmare. 

There were no flying cows, there were no more tornadoes (for now at least), there were no elements of anything being fake. 

And the longer you looked at him, the more you realised…

You would always be in love with him. 

And there was nothing you could do about it. 

It wouldn't matter how much you avoided him, or pushed yourself or even pushed him to find someone. You would always love him. 

With his thumb caressing your cheek, Tyler watched you. 

“God, you’re beautiful.” 

He hadn’t meant to say it outloud. But he was glad he did. 

Your other hand came to his chest…but you didn’t push him away. And you didn’t push yourself away, either. 

“Tyler…”

All of a sudden, it was like the only thing either of you could hear was your heartbeats. Blood pumping faster and faster and you got closer and closer, if that was even possible. 

Finally, Tyler made a decision. 

Cupping your face, he moved until you were almost under him, placing the hand he kissed over his heart. 

Suddenly, he was nervous. 

He swallowed, gazing at you. 

“C…Can I…” He swallowed again. 

Except, just as he went to ask, and you would have replied, a booming knock came to the door making both of you jump out of your skin. 

Neither you or Tyler moved, but when it came a second time, you looked at each other quickly before bolting out of bed. You didn’t know what to do. Your mind was still trying to process the last ten minutes.

Whilst you stood on your side of the bed, Tyler took a final look back at you. And when he opened the door, Boone thought Tyler looked like he was guilty of sin. 

Boone had known Tyler long enough to know that look. Anybody who didn’t know him, well, they wouldn’t have noticed. But he did. 

“Boone, man. We were asleep.”

“Shoot. Sorry, dude.” Boone apologised. “Well, we were all gonna get some food before we hit the road to help. Want something?”

“Where’s your phone?”

“Dude! We tried. Tried Y/n, too. I’ve got a charger if you need one.”

Tyler sighed. Right. Dead phone. 

“No, that’s good. We’ll just…get us the usual?”

“And coffee!” You heard yourself add. 

Tyler smiled at the sound of your voice. “And coffee. Wait, here.”

Handing Boone a twenty dollar bill, he thanked him before shutting the door. 

“He’s gonna give someone a heart attack one day.” You said as Tyler finally shut the door. 

Tyler scratched the back of his head with a nervous chuckle. “Almost gave me one.”

Then the silence hit. 

“Well, I, uh…we better….bathroom. I’m just gonna…yep.”

In his heart, Tyler was elated at the thought of what almost happened. But in his gut, it was like a punch to his soul. 

You couldn’t even meet his eye when you spoke and ran towards the bathroom. And when you left and he entered, it had never been more awkward between you both. 

He could only hope he hadn’t lost you. 

He loved you. 

He was in love with you. 

But he didn’t want that to be the reason he lost you. 

For the rest of the day, he only felt worse. 

And so did you. 

You’d almost kissed him. Then Boone had knocked on. And suddenly him being the only other person in the room made you feel like the walls were closing in. No matter how much you wanted to go back to the bed and finish what had almost started…something inside you forced you away from it. 

Being on the verge of telling your best friend who you’d been in love with for years was suddenly a much higher cliff than you’d originally thought. 

Due to the wreckage of the tornado, you and the rest of the crew spent the day helping people, giving them food and water, making sure they were okay. 

However, just a little after two, you looked around for him. And, like usual, you found him instantly. 

By his truck, he was loading a toolbox back into the flatbed. And he turned. He’d seen you. 

He’d been looking over at you all day. And for the first time, you met his gaze. 

He would spend the rest of his life loving you. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind or in his heart about that. And there never would be. 

He could only hope that what had almost happened that morning wouldn’t make you hate him. 

After a moment, you heard your name being called and you forced yourself to look away from Tyler. 

“I love you,” you told him, in your head. 

“I love you,” he told you, in his head. 

Hours passed and every five minutes, Tyler’s gaze would find yours again before being forced away. 

When he wasn’t looking at you, he was thinking about you. Thinking about the tornado, thinking about the rodeo, thinking about the motel room. And watching you from across the wreckage, he made a decision. 

He could only hope it was the right one. 

And getting back to the motel couldn’t come quick enough. 

By the time everyone did get back, it was long after the sun had gone down. And entering your motel room, Tyler tried to get you to talk to him. 

“We need some ice. I’ll go and get some.” 

“Y/n.”

“I’ll be back in five minutes. Promise.”

Only, you weren’t. And when Tyler heard a crash, he practically ran out of his room and down the stairs. 

“Y/n?”

Looking around, he saw you stood at the end of the building scooping ice into the bucket. 

“You okay?”

You looked up. “Yeah, why?”

Tyler looked around. “I thought I heard something.”

You were confused. “I didn’t hear anything.”

But as the ice stopped, you both heard it. Trash cans. 

“This way.”

“Tyler-”

Grabbing your hand, he pulled you round the corner. Neither of you were cast in the light from the motel but rather hid in the darkness beside it. You looked behind you and around the wall whilst Tyler stood in front of you. 

“What was that?”

“I don’t know.”

It happened again and then…

Laughing. 

You physically relaxed and turned back to Tyler with a relieved smile. 

“It’s just people coming back from the bar. We’re safe.”

Only then did you realise how closely you stood together, or how you could feel his weight slowly pressing against you. Or maybe you were pulling him forward. 

Softly, you pressed yourself into the wall as Tyler started towering over you, his hands slowly grazing over your hips as he looked at you. 

It was like what had happened that morning only…more. 

Slowly, your breath tangled with his, your heartbeat steadily rising as one of his hands ran up your body and pushed your hair from your face. 

“Tyler…”

“We should get back inside. Before you get cold.”

You were anything but that, in the moment. 

And when you both got back inside your room, having Tyler carefully take the ice bucket from you and place it on the table, only made you feel hotter. 

“We need to talk about this morning.”

“Tyler…”

“Sweetheart, I mean it.”

“Didn’t I tell you to stop calling me that? There’s nothing to talk about.”

“We almost kissed.”

You closed the bathroom door in his face before reaching for your toothbrush and paste. Only, you forgot to lock it. 

Opening it back up, Tyler stood by the door, one hand on his hip, the other on the handle. 

“Y/n, will you please listen to me?”

“Tyler, please. Please, just…just stop. Before either of us say something we can’t take back.”

He stood tall. “What if I don’t wanna take it back? What if I want to say it out loud so we can both finally be finished with this…this…this weird awkward…thing between us. In ten years never once has it been awkward.”

You sighed, dropping your toothbrush under the tap before rinsing out your mouth. “Well, whatever it is, you can say it to an empty room.”

Pushing past him, you grabbed your jacket and headed for the door. You weren’t going to stick around to hear him tell you your friendship with him was over. That your worst fear was about to become your reality. 

Only, as you reached for the handle and opened up the door, the next three words that came from Tyler’s mouth, as he stood, still in the opening of the bathroom, stopped you right in your tracks. 

“I love you.”

He’d told you he loved you a thousand times over the years, but it had always been quickly and in the same way and same tone as he told anybody else who he loved. But those three words. They were different. 

They meant something entirely different. 

You could hear him slowly taking a few steps forward. 

“I love you, Y/n. I’m in love with you.”

You physically couldn’t move. Everything inside of you wanted to do…something. Kiss him, tell him the same, tell him he was mistaken, that he didn’t love you, tell him to stop, tell him to keep going.

“And I think…” He took a breath. Not of fear, not of worry, but of relief. Like finally saying these words out loud was a weight off his chest. “I think you’re in love with me, too.”

You didn’t know what to say, so you just waited. 

“Now, you can run out of here. You can leave, if you want. But know that I want you to stay. I want to talk about this. All day, the only thing I’ve been able to think about is you. About the rodeo, about the other morning. About all the other times I’ve wanted to kiss you and to have you be the one I share a room with. Not because we’ve drawn straws but because you would want it, too. Again, if you want to leave, you can. The door’s open. But I’m hoping you’ll stay.”

Tyler couldn’t comprehend what was going on inside your head as he watched you. He could have swore he saw your body move a little. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe you were going to leave after all. Maybe all of it was just in his head. 

But then you let go of the handle. 

The door shut in front of you and suddenly the white noise from outside floated away. You’d made your choice. But you were still scared. 

“I…I don’t know what to do from here.”

“That’s okay.” Tyler moved closer to you until he was directly behind you. Carefully, he took your jacket from you and you let go of it willingly, allowing him to place it on the bed behind him. “We can figure it out together.”

Still behind you, Tyler’s hands lay gently by your sides. “Is this okay?”

“Yes.”

He took another step closer. You could already feel the heat from his body behind you, warming you from the cold draft that had wafted through when you’d opened the door. 

“I’ve loved you since before I can remember. But I know the day I met you, you were gonna be in my life forever.”

Feeling brave, you turned in his arms to look at him. For a moment, he looked scared. Like it would be the last time you’d ever look at him and he’d never see you again. Scared that you’d leave. 

But as your gaze landed on his, that smile came back. 

“What?” 

Still with that smile, he told you. “You look like you love me.”

“How can you tell?”

“Because you get this look in your eyes. Like something I’ve never seen before. And it’s new every time. Do you love me?”

You didn’t have to think about your answer, but the courage you had to build to tell him took a moment. “Yes. I-I don’t know when. But I think one day it just…clicked. But I was scared. I still am…scared. Tyler, what if…what if something goes wrong? What if we lose each other forever?”

“That’ll never happen.”

“How? How can you know that?”

“I just…do. It’s like a tornado. Part science; all the chemicals that go into loving someone. Part religion. I don’t have to physically see how something happens, but I like to believe it’s there. Maybe I don’t have all the answers, but I knew I had to listen to what my gut told me.”

“And what did your gut tell you?”

Tyler gave you that smile again. “It told me that; ‘that girl, right there, under that tree. You need to talk to her, because she is going to be the best part of your day for the rest of your life.’”

You felt the heat in your cheeks rise. 

“You have always been, and always will be, the best part of my day, Sweetheart. No matter how many tornados, no matter how many sleepless nights on the road or how much data we collect. The best part of my day is talking to you. Is looking over at you and having you look back. The best part of my day has forever been, and always will be, you.”

“So, trust me when I say that,” he continued. “Nothing bad will ever happen to us. Because I don’t plan on letting you go just because of fear. I’m in love with you, Sweetheart. And I want to be in your life, for the rest of your life.”

You smiled, “Say that again. The ‘I’m in love with you,’ part.”

Tyler was a little confused, but he would say it as many times as you wanted. 

“I’m in love with you, Sweetheart.”

Watching you blush and try and hide your smile made him realise why you’d asked him to say it again. 

“I knew you liked it when I called you that.”

You looked back up at him. “You know, you’re lucky I love you.”

Tyler smiled. “That’s the first time you’re saying that outloud.”

“Does that mean you’re gonna kiss me now? Or are you just gonna keep talking, Cowboy?”

“No, ma’am.”

Pulling you in closer, Tyler finally kissed you. 

And it was…

Everything. 

Every moment he’d dreamed of finally kissing you, every moment you’d wished he’d do so, every moment you’d both shared, harbouring those feelings, wishing for something more and being too scared to reach for it…

It was a lot to put into a first kiss. 

But it came out naturally. 

Having waited years, you both had some catching up to do. 

[itwasntimethatdidit40]

Something Rotten

Pairing: Dark!QZ Joel x afab!reader x Dark!QZ Tess

Words count: 4300 (more or less)

Rating: + 18, absolutely NSFW. This shit is triggering, read the tags carefully and please if your a minor don’t interact.

Warnings/Tags: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT, smut, heavy degradation, kidnapping, reader is tied to the bed with a rope, mention of strong painkillers, depressing thoughts, both Joel and Tess are EVIL, mention of offering sex in exchange for protection, Dub-con/non-con (well, she’s into that and I made sure to say that she’s deeply aroused but still), no kindness whatsoever, face slapping, being threatened with a gun and knife, blood, wound (Tess writes a word on Reader's body with a knife), pussy slapping, tits slapping, oral (m receiving), deep throating, scissoring, slurs (whore, slut), pet names (honey, baby, pet, kitten), mention of Robert (you know that prick at the beginning of the series who makes Tess get beaten up? That's him. but anyway he is the least of the problems in this thing), ripped panties, orgasm denial, cum eating, hair pulling, reader has hair that can be pulled, no other description of her is given, I think it’s all but I will be sure to add anything I may have forgotten as soon as I can.

A/N: Happy Halloween! This is indeed a nightmare of a fic LOL

Ok, enough, I'm getting serious again. I know it’s a lot, please don't read if you don't feel comfortable with those kind of things. I've never written anything like this before, it was a test for me because those who read me know, I'm usually very soft. I've started writing the second part if anyone wants to read it, I preferred to publish this first because it was getting pretty long (And I honestly want to see how this one goes before I continue lol). Sorry if you find any errors, I hope there aren't too many. I don't have a beta, I reread it but my eyes are exhausted at this point 💀 (English is not my first language, you know that, right? lol)

Again, no one is obligated to read but I wanted to thank those who provided me with the songs I listened to while writing this: @magneticecstasy @hoelaris @lovely-vamp-princess @baronessvonglitter @whocaresstillthelouvre and @almostempty for having called together her trusted connoisseurs 😎, you all are truly amazing ♥️ (Something Rotten is a Placebo song I added between your amazing music advices).

Playlist can be found here.

(While we're at it, if anyone would like to be tagged on my fics in the future, let me know, thank you very much!)

Thanks to anyone who reads this!

“Now what should we do with you?” Tess’s voice is sharp, with a smug undertone.

“Maybe we should get rid of her.” Joel is just as blunt, smiling wickedly as he watches you shake like a leaf.

There’s obvious disappointment painted on your face, as well as fear of what these two might do to you.

——————————————————-

You know Joel and Tess, everyone in the QZ knows them, at least everyone trying to make ends meet like you.

They’re the most skilled smugglers and also the most ruthless.

No one would want to have them as enemies, but you, due to circumstances beyond your control, just tried to steal some of their supplies. You heard they had just left the Qz to stock up, apparently they know someone outside.

You thought you were safe. Turned out you were wrong, they came back sooner than you expected.

You wouldn’t have made such a bold move if it weren’t for the fact that Robert died, killed by Tess, as far as you know.

You and Robert had a relationship, if you could call it that, he gave you protection in exchange for sex. You didn't like Robert, to be honest, guy was a piece of shit himself, but he was the lesser evil. He was generally stupid and driven by his dick rather than his brain so it was pretty easy for you to please him and make sure he kept you safe from the unrestrained FEDRA soldiers, who are anything but devoted to rules and discipline, and you never lacked food while you were with him, much more than some people in this seedy Qz had.

Batting your eyelashes and giving him head every now and then was enough to have what you needed.

Robert was a gun runner, people feared him, everyone except Joel and Tess who thought he was an incompetent and arrogant moron.

They weren't entirely wrong but everyone in this shithole of a place survives as best they can.

You should have relied on your own strength from the beginning but when you arrived here you were so tired, hurt, heartbroken from having lost all the people you cared about that leaning on someone seemed like an acceptable compromise.

You were desperate again after losing Robert, so hungry you barely remembered how food really tastes.

You snuck into their room, cursing your stomach that was growling loudly. You held your breath as the door creaked open to reveal a rather bare, makeshift mini-apartment. No one was there, so you tiptoed around looking for something edible. You noticed a floorboard that was a bit off. Bingo.

You lifted it up and found a stash of dried meat, along with several bags of pills and a gun.

You took some pills that you recognized as strong painkillers, just in case you might need them.

Your hand shook as you pulled out the plastic bag full of dried meat, your stomach giving you no respite.

And just as you were about to take a bite, you heard some noises.

Shit.

You looked around nervously for a place to hide but to no avail. The bed was resting on bricks and barely rose from the floor, too little room to slide under. There were no closets, no dressers or anything.

Shit.

You were screwed.

The footsteps you heard were getting closer and closer and in a total panic, not knowing what else to do, you cowered behind a couch, the dried meat still in your hand while the pills danced in your bra.

You were certain that you would be discovered in no time.

Your heart was pounding in your chest, a cold sweat was breaking out on your forehead. You squeezed your eyes shut in prayer even though you’ve never been a religious person.

Tess saw you first. “What do we have here?” she hissed. Joel caught sight of you next, your head awkwardly poking out from behind the couch.

Stupid stupid stupid.

“A thief,” he stated coldly, as he tugged at your jacket and pulled you out of your hiding place. Tess looked you up and down as you stared at the floor, terrified.

——————————————————-

“What the hell were you trying to do?” she asks you ironically, as if it makes her laugh. In fact, you feel ridiculous for even thinking you could get away with them, it would have been wiser to stay hungry while waiting to earn some cards.

Now you’re in troubles.

Big troubles.

You wanted to get the gun, but you couldn't and now you're standing in front of them, unarmed and scared as the barrel of Joel's gun is grazing at your cheek.

“I asked you a question,” Tess points out, “you better answer it.”

Joel hands the gun to Tess, tears the dried meat out of your hand and shove your arms behind your back, holding you tightly by your wrists, while Tess glares at you.

The gun is now before your eyes, shiny and threatening.

“I… was hungry” and then quickly add a “I’m sorry” that barely escapes your lips.

“So you’ve been working out this brilliant plan?” Joel teases, his deep voice giving you goosebumps.

After Joel suggests taking you out, Tess remains silent for a while, looking at you like a piece of meat “She’s pretty though,” and an even more chilling smile spread across her face, “fuck, you’re too pretty for being a rat”

“Yeah” Joel agrees “here’s a tip for you, honey, if you wanna screw someone try not to let your stupid ass show”

They exchange another knowing glance that doesn't bode well and Tess finally speaks “we could have some fun.”

Guided by self-preservation and fear, you widen your eyes and exclaim, “Oh no, please no!”

Tess places her hand under your chin, manipulating your face like a puppet, turning it left and right to inspect it. “You’re not sick, are you?”

You remain silent and after a few seconds you feel her open hand land on your cheek and an unbearable burning sensation spread across your skin.

What you feel immediately after is the cold steel of the gun under your chin.

“See, she doesn’t like it when people don’t answer her,” Joel whispers in your ear, adding more shivers to the ones already shaking your body.

You open your mouth, struggling to get out some sound. “No” is all you can say.

“Good,” Tess hisses. Joel’s grip on your wrists shows no sign of loosening and your cheek hurts like hell.

There’s no way out.

“Since you were stupid enough to try to sneak in, from now on you will stay here.” Tess announces to you, with a voice that does not allow protests “And you will be our little toy”

She runs a hand over your neck, goes down to your breast and squeezes it hard over your shirt “Do you understand?”

“Yes” you whisper immediately, fearing another blow.

You don’t have enough strength to rebel, you are weak while they are incredibly strong, your head is spinning and you are one against two.

To make sure you don’t get any weird ideas, Joel ties you to the bed. He runs a rope between one of the bricks and the frame of the bed, chuckling evilly, “I’m sorry honey, but I have to, your little head is too imaginative to let you loose in here.” The way he looks at you it’s disturbing, licking his lips in anticipation of what he’ll do to you that night.

He’s not sorry at all.

He can't wait to use you as he wants.

His gaze is intense and dark and you feel like he can get under your skin and read your every thought.

Tess controls Joel's moves, gun still in her hand and when you are completely at their mercy, lying on the bed, with the rope that at most allows you to turn on your back, she bends down to look at you, running the cold steel of gun on your face. You feel tears stinging your eyes as you look at her "oh come on don't do that, after all it's always better than breaking your delicate back with those shitty jobs, right?"

Her mellifluous voice makes you furious, does she think she did you a favor? You would like to spit in her face, on that cold and evil face of hers but you don't.

You can’t.

There's no point in trying to fight back, they'd kill you.

You know that.

They both go off to who knows where and you stay there, waiting, unable to do anything else.

________________________________

It’s the dead of night when the door creaks again and they come back in. Your wrists hurt, you feel stiff, exhausted even though you’ve done nothing but lie there, consumed by fear.

Tess is the first to approach “so kitten, have you been good today?” she coos wickedly and pats your head just like you’re her pet.

You feel a blind rage fill you as she calmly sits on the bed and takes off her boots.

Joel sits on the other side, takes off the dark blue denim shirt he is wearing and unlaces his combat boots.

You are lying on your back now and you crane your neck to watch them.

It’s incredibly frustrating for you to realize that both of your kidnappers are gorgeous.

Tess has a cold beauty, long dark blonde hair framing her face, her lean body reveals itself before your eyes as she takes off her clothes.

She has several scars scattered across her back and arms that make her look even more dangerous, adorning her skin like battle wounds. Battles that somehow she has always won. She’s feral as a lioness and as wicked as a demon.

You never knew you were into women but looking at her right now you can’t deny to find her attractive.

Joel on the other side is tense and nervous as a violin string, rippling muscles and large calloused hands, messy hair and a scruffy beard covering his cheeks.

Your eyes are drinking in his figure, glaring on his broad shoulders, strong neck and plush lips.

He’s definitely the most handsome man in the QZ.

He too has several wounds that blend into his olive skin, giving him the aspect of someone who cannot be argued with in the slightest.

In the little time you have already spent together, however, you have noticed how he bends to Tess's will, as if he were a guard dog always on alert to protect her.

Tess is the brains, Joel is the arm.

He's placed a large switchblade on his pillow, there to remind you that you have no escape.

They are both in their underwear, their clothes lying on the floor. Tess orders Joel to untie you, the rope slowly loose on your wrists as Joel warns you “you better not make a single move or you will regret it, slut”. His voice in your ear is terrifying, bouncing around in your head like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

“Good girl” Tess praises you briefly while you remain still, before ordering “undress her”

Joel unceremoniously removes your jacket and shirt, throwing everything on the floor. He unhooks your bra, brushing his fingertips along your back, and you shiver imperceptibly.

As your bra comes off, the pills you’ve hidden inside fall onto the bed, rolling onto the blanket. Tess shakes her head, squinting “What are those? Didn’t you say you were hungry? Do you need pills to feed yourself, you little whore?” her voice is like ice and the blade of the knife abandoned on the bed is suddenly at your throat, held by Joel.

Your voice breaks into tears as you try to justify yourself. You try to say that they are only for you, just painkillers, you’re not a drug addict, you won’t sell them, you won’t try to ruin their business.

“Pfff and we should believe you?” Joel scoff, laughing from behind your back, tugging violently on your arm and sliding the blade on your skin.

“I-please”

You don't even know what to say anymore.

"Stop whining, it gets on my nerves” Joel warns you as he slightly dig the blade into your cheek, scratching you just a little, just to let you taste the flavor of iron.

“You'll be a very good pet for us, won't you?” Tess whispers leaning close to your ear and running her fingers along your arm.

Tears now roll freely down your cheeks. She wipes away a tear and licks its salty taste from her thumb, pleased.

“Yes, I’ll be good I - I promise” you sigh.

“You certainly will be, if you don't want to taste Joel's knife.” He grins behind you and leave the switchblade on the sheets.

Your bra joins the other clothes on the floor as Tess squeezes one of your nipples between her fingers. She isn't gentle, she isn't delicate, her hand is firm, demanding, her fingers calloused.

After all, she isn't one to back down from a fight and everything about her shows it.

She pulls, pinches and twists, treating your nipple as if it belongs to her and she can do whatever she wants with it, looking you straight in the eye, intimidatingly, without even flinching.

Joel is still behind your back, sitting on the bed and he reaches for your hips, his large hands enveloping them and his fingers pressing hard into your flesh. He leans down and runs his tongue all the way up your spine, going up your shoulder and biting hard where it joins your neck. You cry out. You know it will leave a mark on you, his teeth tattooed on your skin.

Tess slaps your tit when a moan slips through your lips at the sensation of having Joel sucking hard on your skin, leaving more marks on your neck, his beard scratching you.

“You fucking like it, don’t you, pet?” She teases.

You can’t say anything, a stinging pain spread across your chest and you wonder how strong she really is despite her slim figure.

Joel detaches from you and Tess makes you lying on the bed again, unbuttoning and tugging down at your jeans, leaving you in nothing more than your ridiculously worn panties, they’re so old they’re basically see through but it’s not like you can have something fancy in the QZ.

She spots a wet stain right in the front and she smiles fake sweetly, you can still see the evil in her ice cold eyes.

She takes the hem and just rip them off, exposing your bare cunt.

You gasp and try to gather your hands in front of you for covering your privates but you can’t, Joel is still holding your wrists in a dangerous grip.

She laughs at your clumsy attempt “darling, rebelling won't do you any good, I thought I was clear before”

“Please,” you whisper, “please let me go. I didn’t steal anything in the end, I’m never coming back.”

“No,” she says firmly, “no. Do you know why? You don’t mess with us, you don’t even try. You have a lesson to learn.”

Her fingers run over your leg cold. You don't have time to beg again as another slap hits you. "Poor little girl, didn't your mother teach you manners? We'll have to think about it ourselves." She says, pursing her lips.

She slaps your cunt.

You throb.

And you’re wet.

You hate every cell in your body that is getting sexually aroused by them.

Your brain says no, but your body isn't following suit and you can't really explain it.

What was once pain is turning into a creeping, crawling tingle that runs under your skin.

Back in the days you had a boyfriend that used to fuck you roughly and you liked that but you certainly never thought to be aroused by people holding you captive.

It’s insane.

She lifts one of your legs up high, holding it tightly by the ankle as Joel brings your arms above your head on the bed and his grip continues to secure your wrists.

“Um, look at you. What a delicious wet pussy.” Tess coos.

Joel grunts at the sight “such a needy slut”

Tess positions herself between your legs and begins to rub herself on your pussy.

She doesn’t care a bit about treating you like a person, making your joints ache for the unnatural position, one leg impossibly strained with her grip and the other one straight on the bed with your thigh hurting under her weight.

You’re their muppet now.

The friction between your pussies makes you feel ashamed at first, you've never done it before. With each thrust of Tess on you, however, you begin to feel a heat enveloping your lower abdomen, going straight down to your clit making it sensitive and swollen.

You’re excited, as much as you hate to admit it.

Tess is wild, she’s claiming your body like a predator does with its prey, her small and perfectly shaped tits are bouncing in the air, nipples pink and hard.

You're biting your lip hard, holding back the moans that try to escape from the back of your throat.

You don’t know what came over you but wouldn't mind sucking on them .

You look up at Joel who towers over you, his gaze glassy, ​​fixed on your pussies slamming together making the most obscene sounds you've ever heard, like a squish on loop, wet and slippery.

Tess looks at you, her face twisted into an evil grimace as she groans and curse.

You're trying to control yourself in every way but your body responds, you feel a rush of pleasure flooding you. Fuck. It's like your brain is leaking out of your cunt.

You’re gasping under Tess.

Your hips move trying to seek more friction.

Hot tears stream down your face as you moan. You can’t believe how fucked up this is.

“Oh yeah, baby, go ahead and cry, be a pathetic whining mess, we don't give a shit. Your whore pussy is ours now.” Joel growls.

He moves in front of your face, his large hand covers your cheek completely and squeezes it hard, pinching your skin mercilessly before giving you a slap. You feel an unbearable heat radiating on your skin, you haven't even moved your arms even though he has let go of his grip.

“You’re just a plaything,” Tess echoes, “and you’re enjoying it, aren’t you, little scammer?”

Tess grinds against you relentlessly, she reaches down and twists your clit with two fingers and a wail of pain breaks from your lips.

You feel delirious under her ministration, her body takes what it wants from you and there's nothing you can do to stop it, on the contrary. Your nipples are so pebbled they look like little rocks on your chest, your cunt so sloppy and wet that your cream is lasciviously trickling on your inner thighs, you don’t recognize yourself anymore.

Tess comes above you, callin names and stuttering angrily.

You whine again and Joel barks “it’s time for you to shut up, slut”

He pulls down his boxers with a dark look and an incredibly devious smile plastered on his face. His cock is right in front of your eyes, semi hard, he spits in his palm and starts fisting it, up and down his length. It’s thick and swollen, more big than you expected.

His angry red tip almost touches your lips, he reaches for your jaw and pulls it “open wide, slut” he orders. Your lips are pressed together, you try to resist, but Joel takes a handful of your hair, pulling hard.“I. Said. Open. Wide.” punctuating each word with a stronger tug.

You can’t help but doing it, he’s basically tearing off your hair while Tess is still having no mercy of your cunt. She moves on the sheets and she stick two of her fingers in your cunt, up to the knuckles “Jesus, you’re fucking soaked baby, such a good slut”

Joel forces his cock into your mouth and begins to push inside you until he reaches the back of your throat, not letting you get used to it, your cry is muffled by your lips tightening around his shaft. His taste spread across your tongue as he moves abruptly into you, in and out of your lips. Your mind is fuzzy, you try to breathe from your nose but all you can feel right now is the aching of your jaw and the way Tess is scissoring her fingers inside your hole. They have no mercy and you’re madly aroused with it.

It’s not like you’re expecting something good from life at this point. Life isn’t gentle anymore, you lost everything a long time ago, you’re just trying to stay afloat biting off what you can and expecting nothing but bites back until the day fate or destiny decides it's over for you.

You don't know if there's a hint of what they call Stockholm Syndrome in all this but here you are, willing to be free use, for them to ruin, right on the verge of losing your mind. You’re pliant and hungry now, sucking on Joel cock like a good meal after a whole month of starvation, you’re reaching his balls with your hand, massaging and squeezing it lightly. Tess is watching you and she doesn't seem happy with the way you're trying to be, her hand lands again on your pussy, heavy and cruel, right on your clit.

“Oh don’t be too much of an ass kisser, I never liked them. And don’t do anything until we tell you to”

Joel grunts deeply as you let go of his ball “fuck I liked that though” and he grabs your hand back “since you like it, touch it, you dirty whore”

Tess rolls her eyes and slaps your pussy again and again until you feel your skin burning and you know you're about to come, your muscles are tense and your legs start to tingle as well as the bottom of your belly.

Tess understands and stops. “Oh, one more thing, you come if and when we decide.” A moan rises from deep in your chest and vibrates on Joel’s cock.

“Keep sucking” Joel urges you groping and squeezing your tits.

You move painfully up and down his length, him holding the back of your skull. Tess watches you, studying your reactions, a hint of jealousy in her eyes as Joel continues to thrust into your mouth, urging you “like this, little bitch, keep going - OH FUCK”

You can feel your cunt throbbing, screaming for a release.

Tess is giving you occasional kitten lick, so soft and so evil at the same time ‘cause you’re right on the edge. It’s a torture, an unbearable struggle that you can take anymore. Your cunt is clenching around nothing, your clit swollen and sore, you’re feeling delirious and you’re not allowed to come.

Tess picks up the knife again and you feel it slide across your inner thigh, it’s cold on your sweat-beaded skin and it makes you shiver. It rises dangerously close to your center, her evil eyes obsessively following the path of the blade. A sharp smile spreads across her face as she begins to sink the tip into your flesh, just enough to scratch your skin. You’re choking your whines on Joel’s cock as you smell blood in the air. It feels like she’s writing something, her trajectory is meticulous and careful, she pulls the blade out smiling again, satisfied with her work.

“Here you go, now everyone will know what kind of whore you are. If you ever get out of here”

She runs her tongue over what she just branded into your skin, your body shakes, your back arches insanely seeking for that delicious line between pain and pleasure, it’s stinging and soothing at the same time.

Joel is spilling inside you, his cum invading your mouth, painting your tongue and sliding warm down your throat. His face is red and sweaty, he's gritting his teeth, his neck is tense, his merciless hand holds you still clinging to your neck, he looks like a wild animal ready to devour you.

“Swallow it all, bitch” And you do it, you have no other choice. And you like it. You like the feel of his vein pulsing against the roof of your mouth, the heat and weight of him on your tongue, his musky flavor. It distracts you from the pain spreading across your thigh.

Joel only pulls out of your mouth when you've licked it clean.

It’s softening but it’s still the biggest cock you’re ever had.

He whispers in a hoarse voice that you are a very good little pet, smiling at you nastily, his big hands filling with your breasts, calloused and heavy, your nipples still hard under his palms.

Tess chuckles “yeah, she’s not that bad. And she’s a real fucking slut, aren’t you, honey? Your pussy is hungrier than your stomach”

You don't answer her, you are enraptured by Joel's dark and lascivious eyes, naked and helpless on the bed, branded like a cow, stupid and drunk on sex.

Your mind is no longer thinking clearly.

They both lie down on the bed to catch their breath, leaving you naked and sore at the foot of it, like a rag doll.

You never imagined this would happen to you when you came in here. And then, when they found you, the first thing you thought was that they were going to kill you. You're still here. Exhausted, in pain as you stare at the ceiling, sweat cooling on your skin.

You wonder how long it will last, where they will dump you when they get tired.

You're still alive anyway, that's enough.

There is definitely something rotten in you. You want to get up and see the word Tess wrote on your thigh but you are not brave enough. You trace it with a finger, shivering with pain, feeling your skin pull and pinch where it is starting to heal. If your touch is right it says “pet”.

[vexxandra]

for those scared of love (timeless pick-a-card)

recently had someone come into my life, this pac is for me <///333 01-11-24

pile 1 > pile 2 pile 3 > pile 4

pile 1

i feel this hyper independance about you. perhaps you have a serious appearance or a stern personality, but i get the sense that you do not like relying on others. this may be where your fear comes from. love requires co-operation, but how can you entrust your heart in the hands of another? you are so smart, strong and confident, able to pull anyone you so desire, so why are you so scared?

i feel like love is the one problem you cannot face. it's like the sun, so beautiful yet blinding- you can't help but look away. that is okay. it is okay to be scared. love is scary, i understand; what if you fall? oh but my darling, what if you fly? opening your heart will do you more good than bad, and i can tell you this with the utmost confidence.

pile two

the heartbroken pile, i see you. i feel you. i feel your fear. i feel your jaded cynicism, the soft beating of your glass heart, pieced together back and back again. i feel the tears on your cheek, faded, but flowing like the carvings of bark on a tree. you most likely either have someone in mind right now, or are recently recovering from something. regardless, you are overthinking so very much. and how could you not? you feel as if the world is against you- that you in particular never seem to get the greener grass or the brighter stars.

this situation you are living is scaring you, but is it really all that scary? are the monsters beings of your mind, or are they real? you are thinking too much i feel. take a breather, tap into your heart and slip away from the moment for a while. everything will turn out wonderfully, you will be so happy in the end. (ps: i recommend listening to some ambient noises like pink or brown to help quiet the worry thoughts).

pile three

im confused pile three, are you? there were a lot of contradictions in your cards, they were so hard to read. do you know what you want? asking with love of course. perhaps you are an indecisive person, and i feel like you don't like staying in the same place or situation for too long. you have this beautiful energy, but it all goes out the window when it comes to love. by which i mean you tend to self-sabotage yourself in the endless pursuit of answers.

i feel like this reading in particular is less about love and more about your mindset. i feel like you must work on this part of you that keeps you trapped in your brain, and you will be so much happier in all fields. i feel like you must work on this before getting into a serious relationship with a person, because it'll cause unnessecary worry for you, and i do not want you to suffer.

pile four

have you felt called to pile one? i see some similarities there, so feel free to check it out if you so desire. i feel as if your fear stems from insecurity. im getting the vibe that you dont know if people are being genuine with you or not. a specific example that will most certainly not apply to everyone is being rejected constantly during your youth, but after glowing up, everyone is flocking towards you. i feel as if you try to convince yourself you dont need love, that it is better if you stay single. there are truly so many similiarities between this pile and pile one. all of these piles have corresponding pairs which i think is cool

you are guarded with your heart, unwilling to let the wrong person in. good news is, i think you are more than emotionally mature enough to have a secure partner if you so desired it, and i see that someone intelligent and able to match your standards will be coming in soon. take care pile four, and remember that you are beautiful from the inside out, always and forever.

[httpvomitello]

Call of Distraction *⁠.⁠✧

Donnie / Raph / Mikey

It was another routine evening in the lair. Leo was running through some katas, trying to work off some pent-up energy after a long day, when April’s phone started buzzing. She checked it and saw your name pop up.

"Hey, it's (Y/N)," she said, grinning as she glanced at Leo. "Mind if I put it on speaker?"

Leo looked up, a spark of interest flashing across his face. “Oh, go ahead.”

April pressed the button, and your familiar voice filled the lair. “April! Please tell me you’re free for a sanity break—I’ve been staring at a screen for hours, and I’m losing it over here.”

“Let me guess: project deadline coming up?” April replied, smiling.

“Deadlines, plural,” you sighed dramatically. “And all I want is some conversation to remind me what having a life feels like.”

Before April could answer, Leo’s voice cut in, playful yet slightly mocking. “Sounds like someone doesn’t know how to manage their time.”

You paused, then replied, with equal sarcasm, “Oh, hey there, fearless leader! Didn’t know you were eavesdropping. Nice of you to assume I’m the problem here.”

Leo smirked, crossing his arms as the other turtles perked up, sensing a good exchange on the way. “Well, you are calling April in the middle of our prep time. Can’t be that hard to handle a couple of deadlines, can it?”

“Oh, yeah, because I’m sure your big, intense prep is life-shatteringly important,” you shot back. “Remind me again, what’s the pressing emergency? Practicing brooding?”

Raph and Mikey burst out laughing, while Donnie raised an eyebrow, glancing at Leo with an amused smile.

Leo chuckled, barely fazed. “Brooding, huh? I seem to remember someone saying they admired my focus. Guess that was just talk.”

“Who, me? I don’t think so,” you teased. “I admire focus, sure. But that whole ‘super-serious, all-business’ attitude? Total snooze-fest. Don’t you ever take it easy?”

He raised an eyebrow, amused but a little taken aback. “You think I don’t know how to relax?”

“Oh, please. You’re about as chill as a brick wall, Leo,” you quipped. “Maybe if you spent a little less time being Captain Serious, you’d know how to actually have fun.”

“Yeah, and maybe if you learned some time management, you wouldn’t need to call for a ‘sanity break,’” he countered, though his grin showed he was enjoying every second of this.

“Touché,” you replied, clearly entertained. “Maybe you’re onto something. Guess I could use someone to keep me on track… if they can keep up.”

Leo gave a slight smile, “Keep up? I’d give it about ten minutes before you were begging for a break.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” you replied, leaning fully into the teasing. “Pretty bold, Mr. Leader. Hope you can live up to it.”

Mikey, who’d been watching with an ever-widening grin, turned to Raph with an excited whisper. “They’re totally gonna end up dating, right?”

April just rolled her eyes, but she was smiling, clearly enjoying how flustered Leo was getting despite his best efforts. Raph nudged Donnie, stifling a laugh.

Leo, sensing the teasing eyes on him, shot a glare at his brothers but stayed focused. “Tell you what,” he replied to you, recovering his confidence. “Next time you’re ‘losing it,’ I’ll personally make sure you remember how to relax.”

“Oh really? That’s a big promise,” you replied, feigning a skeptical tone. “Think you’re up for it?”

“I know I am,” he said smoothly, a little more serious than before.

April, realizing this could go on forever, finally intervened. “Alright, alright, I think you two could go at this all night,” she laughed. “I’m hanging up now before Leo gets any more ideas.”

She smirked, giving Leo an exaggerated wink as she took you off speaker, wrapping up the call. The moment the line went dead, Leo’s brothers immediately burst out laughing, and Leo fought hard to keep a neutral expression.

“Looks like someone’s got a little crush, huh?” Raph teased, nudging Leo.

Leo rolled his eyes, but a faint blush betrayed him. “Whatever,” he muttered, half-smiling as he went back to his training. But inside, he was already looking forward to that next call.

[crsytxlkxulitz]

Cute lil motivation 🎀 😇

Oh, still here? Scrolling through life, waiting for the universe to hand you what you want on a silver platter? How cute. You say you want to shift to your desired reality that's already existed, but really you're just someone endlessly ‘preparing’ to change while staying exactly the same and doomscrolling your way off focus. Newsflash: reality isn’t waiting around for you to finally ‘get serious’—it’s yours to take, but only if you’re ruthless enough to grab it. YOU are the only thing stopping yourself from shifting into that life YOU want.

Don't chase your manifestation. It IS coming to you, you just gotta accept it with open arms. Don't be a pussy.

So yeah, keep telling yourself you’ll 'try' tomorrow, while others out there, who are a lot less delicate about it, are already stepping into their dream lives with confidence that your sorry ass can't seem to embody. This isn’t some cozy little daydream; it’s about having the audacity to carve your vision into existence, with zero apologies. Nothing holding you back. You have EVERYTHING you need to shift, STOP MAKING YOURSELF OVERCONSUME WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW. If only you can finally stop coddling yourself and start moving with real INTENTION. Otherwise, keep daydreaming while the rest of us are out here making things happen.

The universe is fucking endless. Whether it be walking down the hall of fame, relishing in the power of magic that's beyond the cocoon you're programmed into believing it's 'impossible' or 'unrealistic', living the happiest life with their soulmates out of any work of 'fiction' or from the screens you've seen and so. Many. More. INFINITE. POSSIBILITIES. WAKE UP. SHIFTING IS SO FUCKING REAL.

Kiss those anti's a 'fuck you' and go rock your shit. Actually, don't even bother sparring your energy to them. The universe works in YOUR favor only if you INTEND TO.

"Oh but what if I can't prove them wrong-" Then prove them right, bitch. What else? Nobody cares if you've been 'trying' for years or how many times you've 'failed' at grounding yourself during your minishifts. You really want to give up what your subconsciousness really wants? Your SOUL that's fucking burning with passion for that LIFE you always daydream about?

EVERYONE. SHIFTS. EVERYDAY. DON'T KEEP FOCUSING ON THE 3D. THE 4D IS WHAT MAKES EVERYTHING A REALITY. SHIFTING IS A NATURAL BORN SKILL FOR YOU. IT'S YOUR PERSONAL JOURNEY. NOT OTHERS. STOP COMPARING YOUR PROGRESS WITH OTHERS BECAUSE IT WILL FUCKING HAPPEN.

So you can either go fucking shift, do whatever works for you or watch someone else live the life you’re too passive to claim. I'd happily make out with your s/o for you if you're too pussy to, babe. Your call. 💋

[narcjsistx]

𝐔𝐍𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 | kaiser x reader

— part three

plot: kaiser comforted you after a bad and slow breakup, but what will happen now considering what you two shared? is everything still unexpected or is there something you both simply have yet to realize?. fluff shit 'cause yeah!!

words: 2.9k (2951)

extra: it will probably become a multi part story, tell me if you're interested in a part four!

𝐌𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ; take a look, trust me!

The airport, at night, had always seemed like an extremely quiet place to you; often your flights, just like this one in the end, arrived at their destination when it was already dark outside, and going down the steps of the plane in the cold night had always been a pleasant sensation for you. But not this time, when everything seemed out of place while your head still hurt from the fight with Gabriele

Even if at least 3 hours had passed and you were completely in another country, Gabriel's shadow always seemed to be a few steps behind you, looking for the right moment to attack you and suck every last drop of blood from you

The flight had been quick, barely two hours. Berlin had welcomed you with its usual beauty, which fascinated you every time. Your phone had run out of battery just before entering the Milan airport, leaving you with no news from Kaiser. You didn't know if he had read the message, if he was at home, if he was first of all still convinced of his proposal: everything still seemed to be understood, and not having the situation under control was strange for someone like you

During the flight you often thought about Kaiser, but it's often a nice and reductive way of saying always: the thought of seeing him again, of hugging him, of living under his roof again were all sensations that you had terribly missed. His touch was something you craved after so many hands that had touched you only to hurt you

You simply needed Michael

The moment you plugged in the charger at the airport and your phone came back to life, your phone's notifications were flooded with nothing but Kaiser: you had received a few calls, a few messages and even an email. You find yourself smiling almost unconsciously, opening the chat

mihya ♡

— are you serious? — 17:59

— tell me you're not joking and you actually accepted — 18:00

— y/n?? — 18:13

— your phone shows disconnected, maybe you're on a plane — 18:29

— call me — 18:32

— call me as soon as you get off, I'll stay outside until I see the plane land — 18:41

— you don't know how happy it makes me to know that you are here with me again — 18:57

Reread the last message more than a few times, and the smile on your face doesn't seem to want to fade; Kaiser never dares to say such sweet things, but the fact that he did it with you makes you extremely happy. Suddenly, to yourself, you wondered why you hadn't moved back there before. You would have suffered much less

mihya ♡

you — I'm at the gate — 19:47

— I saw you. I'm coming to you — 19:47

You write the message and look up, looking for him among the sea of ​​people walking in their own hurry. Knowing that he responded right away and was waiting for you warms your heart. Noticing blonde and blue hair should be simple, yet where is he? why don't you see anyone approaching?

"Damn" you whisper to yourself, standing on tiptoe to look for him, but you feel as if Gabriel's shadow disappears to make room for another, more reassuring one. You whip around and a pair of cerulean big eyes stare back at you, the usual smirk on his pale, smooth face "Found"

For just a second, the world seems to stop; you look at each other, one's eyes on the other's figure, and for a fraction of time that seems to last too short, you find yourself thinking about what it would be like to kiss him again. Kiss him out of love, not driven by the moment as had happened to you that night in the hotel. Simply knowing what his lips would taste like for a kiss given on the fly, just like that. But the feeling doesn't last long, replaced by one of strangeness for even having imagined such a thing

“Hey” you say, waving at him with your free hand, the other holding the suitcase. But it's not long before he pulls you into a hug, his hands resting on the small of your back. Sweet shivers run down your spine, and you wonder why you all suddenly you seem like a whore for his touch. You just really hope he doesn't notice, because it would be extremely difficult to explain. He stays like that for a few seconds, before you place your free hand against his back, returning the hug. Kaiser lets out a satisfied sigh before pulling away, picking up your suitcase without even asking your permission "I can carry it" you say trying to take the handle again, but he shakes his head "Don't you dare. Are you tired?" he asks

You would like to answer him simply, tell him that at the moment tiredness is eating you alive and the stress of the last fight with Gabriel is still corroding your veins. But now, with him, everything seems a little lighter

"A little, but because of the flight. A good sleep and I'll be better" you say walking next to him as you head towards the airport exit. He watches you, but doesn't seem completely convinced by your words "Is that all?" he asks raising an eyebrow, and you know very well that sooner or later you will have to explain the situation to him in full “For what you need to know now, yes"

You exit the building, your suitcase in the back seat and you and him sitting comfortably in the front seats. The car leaves, walking a road you already know: when you lived with Kaiser, you were often the one who came to pick him up when he returned from another country, and you walked along the exact same road that led, and continues to lead, to his house

"This sudden decision?" the guy says, switching gears "Don't get me wrong, but you still had some doubts on the call. You told me to wait before you hung up on me, and I don't know why" he says, and you understand what he means. You look through the window, Berlin slowly returning to your memory with all its particularities

"Gabriel is back" you say, and notice how his expression changes radically "He acted crazy, and still being there made me realize that there would probably be bad consequences. So I accepted, removing any doubts" you say, your hands calm on your lap. Kaiser nods, but his grip on the steering wheel remains tighter than necessary

"I should have asked you before, but I thought it was one of your usual things where you argue and two days later everything is normal. I'm glad that this time you've really opened your eyes, at least on this topic" he says almost in a sarcastic tone, which however you don't understand all of a sudden "At least in this topic?" you ask, and Micheal turns to look at you for a few seconds before looking back at the road ahead, leaving you with no answer. You glare at him for a few seconds, then sigh; you look back out the window, and suddenly the silence seems to weigh heavy between you

The road passes quietly under your and his gaze, and even before you realize it, you arrive at the iron gate that opens onto Micheal's house. The car passes him and stops in the cobblestone driveway, before it shuts down completely. Kaiser gets out and consequently you too, heading to get your suitcase, but again he is the one who picks it up and carries it into the house.When you enter the house, an old feeling of familiarity enters your veins, reminding you of many beautiful memories: the dinners at midnight when he returned from training, the sports themed evenings where he forced you to pass the ball to him inside the house, the days where you simply stayed lying on the sofa together was the only solution. There is a reason, after all, that you consider the years here to be your happiest

And knowing that for now this will be your new home makes you calm, much more than you were in Milano, always suspicious and sad

"The house also missed you" the boy says ironically, placing the suitcase at the entrance; you giggle, rolling your eyes as you take off your coat “And I missed the house” you say feeling more confident. Kaiser lets out a laugh as he motions for you to follow him into the kitchen, which you do. As you walk, nothing seems to have changed except just the color of the walls, which have now gone from light white to grey

“You didn't have dinner, right?” he asks going towards the fridge "No. I didn't have the chance" you admit, but in fact you weren't really hungry, still with an upset stomach after the fight "I suspected. Sit down, I'll make you something" he says taking some eggs, but you shake your head before approaching and taking the food in your hand "Don't worry, it's not a big problem. Have you eaten?" you ask, and he glares at you, almost hurt "Don't worry about that, I'll eat something later. Sit down" he says moving his head, and you're about to reply when he shushes you again "This is your home again, you don't have to well done" he says, and a smile tugs at your lips before you sigh, finally sitting down

Kaiser starts preparing something, and you watch as he moves around the kitchen. You were used to seeing him cook, but seeing him do it at his house with the knowledge that it was yours again had a different flavor. You wanted to ask him so many things, but above all if he really wasn't often at home or had only told you to convince you. The company, appreciated above all, would not have hurt you like someone else “Mihya” you call to him, and he turns around “Hm?” he murmurs, returning to his work "Are you really not home often?" you ask, thinking about it "I know you guys are playing some kind of league right now, so you're busy. I also saw that you had a game today, but in Berlin" you say, hiding the fact that you had this afternoon's game against PxG seen in full “When are you leaving next?” you ask

Kaiser places a plate of eggs and vegetables in front of you, before sitting down on the chair in front of yours "I'm often not at home because of the championship, yes. Today it was a coincidence that I was playing in Berlin, but in general I go to hotels with the rest of the team. The next game should be in Cologne tomorrow afternoon, so I should leave tonight, but-" he says, and you interrupt him almost immediately "You should get ready if you have to leave, then" you say worriedly, but he shakes his head "-But, since you have arrived, I will leave alone and ask to come back first. You are here, and I don't like leaving you alone no matter how much you want it. The team will leave tonight and I will join them by train tomorrow morning" he says, putting down his head on the table on his folded arms

The carrot you were eating gets stuck in your throat, and a sense of embarrassment spreads around you. You look at Kaiser, who gave up something so important just for you, who looks at you with an attention he has never paid to anyone since you've known him. The gaze is returned, and a strange sense of tension stops between you

You want to let win your intrusive thoughts that tell you to kiss him and ask him why you had sex win, but you resist for the shred of dignity you have left. But, in your eyes at least, he also seems to be fighting the urge to do something

"You shouldn't have. But thank you, Mihya" you say trying to get everything back to normal, but his damned look doesn't seem to give in even as the words return to compensate for the silence

You eat in silence, glancing at each other as you finish your meal. Without really noticing it, it's later than you expected: you both enter the room you used a few years ago, and everything is left as you left it, only some of his prizes have taken their places on the shelves "I'll take them out as soon as I have a few minutes" he says, placing the suitcase on the floor "Don't worry, I like them. They're shiny, they reflect you" you say sitting on the floor, opening the suitcase which contains few stuff for a stay. Kaiser notices this immediately "You didn't bring much stuff" he says, sitting down on the bed, his knees a few centimeters from your face "I know. I'll buy something here or have the rest shipped to me somehow from Milano" you say, sticking out a underwear vest, which you decided on the spot that you will use as pajamas. Micheal nods almost immediately as he watches you place some of your things in the room. You missed these four walls, you missed everything and especially Kaiser

Right now, the situation you're in is even more confusing: even though you know he'll be out of town a lot, sooner or later the topic of that night will come up. And probably, knowing both yourself and him, other topics will come up in the heat of the moment. Your goal is to put this situation off for as long as possible, because adding this to your already stressed state would be fatal for you. At the same time though, you need so many answers that you can't count them on the fingers of your hands. However, you also need answers from yourself, because after a fresh breakup you already find yourself having such strange thoughts with the last person in the world you should have them about, your best friend

Best friend. Kaiser has been your best friend for a long time, but what are you actually to him? His best friend, he would tell you, the girl who is closest to him at the moment. But how can you still consider someone you slept with as your best friend and with whom you have always sought physical contact ever since, even as simple as holding hands?. The way you loved each other that night wasn't best friends, not even fuck buddies because otherwise you wouldn't have given it any weight once it happened. That gesture was dictated by love, and it scared you

Love had reduced you to something insignificant, and above all, loving Kaiser wasn't possible: he was your best friend, or at least that was the label you felt like saying. Loving him meant going back to that time many years ago where you had desperately loved him but never done anything to call him yours. You were a little girl at the time, now you were a woman and, above all, in the midst of a world class scandal. Everything indicated that there was no possibility, even remote, of being able to love him again. Then, you didn't really know what he thought about it, and on the one hand you preferred to stay in the dark so as not to face other problems

You were confused, maybe he was seriously having fewer problems than you were having everything. Maybe it really was all in your head

“Y/n” Micheal says, snapping you out of your thoughts that were seriously going to the worst “Sorry I got distracted, tell me” you say folding some sweatshirts, putting them in your new closet “I'm seriously happy to see you here again. I'd rather you be alone but well than with that crazy guy" Kaiser says, getting up from the bed as he approaches you. You watch him, his hands pulling you into a hug again, slower this time, as if he's taking his time: his arms slide along your sides, practically ending up on the outer part of your lower back, his head resting on your shoulder

You would like to say that his words don't have as much effect on you, that it's not a problem like all the others already on the list, but you would be lying. It's doing exactly what makes you even more confused, making your brain feel like goo

"Mihya, I-" you say embarrassed, not knowing how to respond to such an important sentence like his "You don't need to tell me anything. Let me stay like this for a few more minutes before I go to bed" he says against your neck, and now even that little bit of brain you had is now officially gone. You sigh perplexedly, now placing your arms around his neck as you let yourself be lulled by the beautiful sensation

“I'm glad to be back here. I missed all this” you say, caught up in the moment. You didn't tell a lie, because actually the first months away here were extremely complex, and still remained so after years. You fiercely loved the feeling of living with Kaiser, but for a long time you had had to hide it from Gabriel, thus minimizing trips to Germany and especially to the blond and blue boy's house

"I missed you instead" he says almost in a whisper, but it reaches your ears straight like a blow, an electric shock, straight to your heart

Maybe the situation was even more complicated than you imagined until a little while ago

[noharaaa]

Star Gazing

Author’s Note: The reader isn't gender specified.

Enjoy Reading!

╰᭡⿴༘͜─𖧷̷۪۪᪇ ༘᪇𖧷̷۪۪⃟ꦽ⃟:: ᰰ۪۪꧇⿴༘⃕▦᰷᰷ᰰ

The rooftop of your dorm was quiet and cooled under the night sky. The blankets spread out cosy on the concrete floor, adjusting the edges with the soles of your shoes. Hobie was standing nearby, hands tucked in his pockets while observing the campus below. The night was pretty quiet, the stars up the sky twinkling brightly above the dim lit streets far below them.

After getting the blankets done, you settled down, leaning back on your elbows with your legs straight in front of you. You glanced up at Hobie, who lingered for a moment observing the campus below. After a few seconds, he took a seat next to you, leaning back with his long legs beside hers.

“No one's here,” you said to him, chuckling as if reading his thoughts.

Hobie shrugged in response, lying back fully now, his jacket scraping fully against the blankets beneath, “Still. Never hurts to be careful, y'know?”

You nodded, moving closer to him until her shoulder brushed his. “True, I guess.”

The wind was gentle and warm, catching the edge of the blankets and causing it to ripple softly. It was late, hours past the time where anyone would be roaming campus. And now the two of you were lying side by side under the blanket of the night sky, eyes fixated on the stars above that flickered like diamonds scattered across the pitch black space.

You pointed upward, tracing the invisible lines in the sky with your finger. “See that one up there on the far left? That's Orion's Belt,” you said quietly.

Hobie raised an eyebrow, the faintest grin tugging at the corner of his lips. “ Oh yeah? Who's Orion, then? Some crazy bloke with a belt fetish?”

A chuckle escaped your throat, the sound light and bubbling as you nudged his shoulder with your own, “No, he was a hunter. In Greek mythology, they said he was placed up there in the sky as a constellation after his death.”

He hummed, only half listening as his gaze lazily traced the stars. “Greek mythology... right.”

“Let me guess, some cosmic story about how the stars are all there to tell us what we're supposed to do with our lives, innit?”

“No, Hobie, that's astrology. It's different.”

“Ah,” he said, still looking up, not giving much weight to the correction. “Well, they both sound like rubbish to me. Stars tellin' people how to act? Since when?.”

“You're mixing them up again,” you said between chuckles, “Astrology's all about predicting and figuring out your personality and fate based on your sign. Astronomy's a bunch of stars and galaxy and... the science-y stuff behind it.”

“It's all the same thing.”

You rolled your eyes, still smiling as you settled back down beside him, head propped in the crook of your arm, “It's more than that, Hobs. Astrology's about personality stuff, connections… it's kinda, like, mystical…in a way. It's all just fun games. Not a serious thing to me either.”

“Good. Last thing I need is some stars tellin' us what to do,” he muttered.

You let out an exaggerated gasp, nudging him playfully. “Oh no! What would the stars say if we aren't compatible?”

“I reckon we'd still be 'ere. Could care less about some constellation.”

The laughter faded, merging with the quiet night surrounding the both of you. Your hand was resting between you two, your finger lightly brushing with his. Both hands instinctively laced together after a beat.

You shifted slightly, turning toward him and resting your chin on your hand, eyes tracing the familiar lines on his face in the dim light. The comfortable silence was easy, the kind that has a sense of familiarity from really knowing someone beyond a surface level.

A heavier feeling settled between you and him now, something unsaid lingering in the air. Hobie seemed to feel it too, his usual easygoing gaze was fixed on the sky a lot more focused than before.

“What’s on your mind?” You asked softly, your voice barely a whisper.

“Dunno…..Just been thinkin’.”

“‘Bout what?”

“Just…  how things are. The world. Us.”

You turned toward him, propping herself up on one elbow to get a better look at his face. Ther was something thoughtful, almost vulnerable in his expression. Hobie never really let his guard down like this and you knew better than to push him. But he wouldn’t have brought it up if he didn’t want to talk.

He paused a few moments, his gaze shifting before letting out a slow breath, his thumb almost gliding over your hand. “Sometimes it’s just… a lot, y’know? Everything goin’ on.”

You nodded without interruption. Only quietly listening to give him the space to share what’s on his mind.

“I mean, I’ve always known the world’s been messed up. But it feels like… no matter how loud we get, how much noise we make, nothin’ changes. And sometimes I wonder….what’s the point? Like, what am I really doin’ all this for?”

Your heart twisted a little from hearing those words, but you still didn’t interrupt, only shafted a bit closer, your shoulder touching his. “I get it,” you said quietly, almost as if she was afraid to disturb his moment. “Sometimes it feels like everything is just… too much to handle. But you’re not alone in this, Hobie. You have people out there who believe in what you’re doing. People who believe in you. And, yeah, I know the world’s pretty messed up and all, but you really make a difference, Hobs. It might not always feel that way but you really do.”

“Yeah? And what difference am I making, then?  Shoutin’ into the void? Smashin’ a few windows? Doesn’t feel like much most days.”

“It’s because you care, Hobie. You care about most things people don’t. You stand up for what’s right and for what you believe in, even when it’s hard. That’s more than a lot of people can say.”

 “Maybe,” His gaze moved from the sky down to you with a faint, uncertain smile. “Maybe you’re right.”

“I'm always right. You know that already.”

He chuckled, the sound low and warm. The tension he was holding onto earlier now loosened up. Leaning over, he pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead, letting it linger just a few moments longer than usual.

You both stayed like that for a while,sitting close as the cool night air wrapped around the both of you. You felt an instant warmth of butterflies in your chest as you looked into his eyes. Almost without thinking, you leaned a little closer, your lips brushing softly against his.

The kiss was gentle and unhurried. It was very nice, like a warm hug that lingered rather than just a moment. When they finally pulled apart, you let out a quiet sigh. Contentment washing all over you, giving off a vibe of contentment.

“Gonna blame the stars for that one?” he joked, his tone light and playful. You laughed, responding with another playful nudge of your shoulder before resting your head against him. “Maybe I will.”

He wrapped his arm around you, laughter and conversations drifting into the quiet.  The world melted away around your shared bubble for the rest of the night, engulfed in its own little universe.

[einsatzzz]

OCtober Day 27 - Fear - "Give me a reason to live with indifference, doctor"

"Even if I came to love humanity in the end, there won’t come a day when I know that love, will there...?"

Slow-downer is such a nice song that fits both Yui and Kana. But I see this song mainly as leaning towards being both Yui-centric and in some form, depicts YuiKana's relationship (though vaguely).

The drawing above is inspired from the original MV's illustration with a patient and a doctor. Considering their lore (that I've never talked about before actually) and relationship with each other, I thought it would fit them the best if Yui is the patient while Kana is the doctor that he consults his problems with.

I feel like this would make more sense if I hypothetically already finished and posted Yui's profile (its coming, trust). But anyway, he is someone who grew up in a loveless family that burdened him with expectations (sounds familiar?). This is something he bonded over with Kurumi.

A major difference is that, Kurumi's parents love her genuinely and doesn't see her as an object/pawn to be used as leverage in Family politics.

But in terms of his outlook in life and mindset towards it, he resonates more with Kana. All in all, the comfort that he finds in Kurumi's presence is vastly different from the comfort that he finds in Kana's presence.

Deep down, Yui is someone who yearns for love. He already got a good amount of it from the Ninomiya Family, who treats him like their own. But he somehow still feels a certain emptiness despite it all, like something within him is not yet filled. He secretly fears that this is something he won't ever find in his lifetime.

Who else would he seek comfort from on this other than Kana? Someone who is also showered by love from both parents and Kurumi. He absolutely knows she feels empty as well, but the thing is, it doesn't even seem to bother her all that much (or at all) for some reason. He's also smart enough to know that if he asks, he won't get a proper answer. He wonders if he can eventually be someone like that too, so he has less problems to think about?

Because ideally, the only problems he would like to think about is the funding for his next several robot projects or the daily trouble him & his bestfriends get into. Anything that doesn't require him to get serious and anything where he can still sit back and relax. He also loves it when the problem even solves itself.

On the other hand, whether it be Yui or Kurumi, and whether or not either of them would ever want to change for the better or for the worse or just stay stagnant, Kana will always happily 😃😃😃 have their back and accept them 😃😃😃 Take all the time that you need Kurumi and Yui! She will always be here for you, no matter what!

Anyway, I'm still respawning but trying to get back into drawing bit by bit (ngl, I still feel so tired). This is just a sketch while experimenting on some effects, but eventually, I want to draw something cleaner for them related to this song. I feel like I rambled way too much compared to the point that I'm trying to make lol

(Also, image above doesn't accurately reflect their actual height difference LMAO Kana is so much smaller, we're talking about a 20cm height diff here hahaha I just need them to both be clearly visible on-screen)

[fishenjoyer1]

I'm just starting to get into marine bio, and I found your blog today and I love it so much!! Do you have any recommendations of where I can learn stuff? (I hunger for fish knowledge)

It's always wonderful when someone else starts getting into marine bio, I'm honored to share resources!

Texts:

I personally learned a lot of what I now know from a series of textbooks I've picked up over the years, here some of my personal favorites!

Biological Oceanography An Introduction by Carol M. Lalli & Timothy R. Parsons: I personally found this textbook wonderful! Written very clearly and easy to understand, and contains summaries at the end of each chapter. Here is my favorite used&new book sellers results for this book. Here is the book on internet archive.

Marine Ecology: Processes, Systems, and Impacts by Michael J. Kaiser, Martin J. Attrill, & Simon Jennings: Covers much of the same things as biological oceanography, but valuable on its own. Here is the link to buy a copy for cheap. Here is the book on internet archive.

Limnology: Lake and River Ecosystems by Robert G. Wetzel: I personally found this the most dull textbook of my life, but, it is written very well. The chapters end with summaries also, which makes it easier to study, and this book is rather well renowned in freshwater studies. Here to buy a copy on my favorite book website. Here to read on internet archive (I'm relatively uncertain that its inaccessible) so Here is a preview on google books. (maybe I'll find the time to scan my copy and put it in a google drive)

The Diversity Of Fishes: Biology, Evolution, and Ecology by Douglas E. Facey, Brian W. Bowen, Bruce B. Collette, & Gene S. Helfman: I adore this textbook, it is easy to read and comprehend, a personal favorite. Not only that, it is wonderful for understanding fish. Here you can buy it (it's a bit pricey, so I recommend just using the internet archive). Here you can find it on internet archive.

Methods for Fish Biology by Stephen Midway, Caleb Hasler, and Prosanta Chakrabarty: A bit dense and hard to read, but it's a wonderful text on understanding how to do research, and how a lot of farming and understanding of fish is done. Here to buy it. Here to read it on internet archive

All the other textbooks I own are about marine mammals, so I'll recommend them if asked, but you seem more interested in fish and aquatic environments.

Audio:

I personally struggle to listen to informational audio and podcasts, so this section is a bit threadbare

The Marine Mammal Science podcoast by The Society for Marine Mammalogy here

Marine Biology in 5 minutes podcast here

Oceanlovers podcast here

The Deep-Sea Podcast here

Video:

I have some great recommendations I'm a personal fan of here!

I personally really enjoy Natural World Facts, he has some wonderful playlists and documentaries on the deep sea, different environments, animals, and ecosystems there.

MBARI (the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute) Has wonderful videos with their discoveries and research,

The Nautilus live, which does frequent live streams as they're exploring the ocean with ROVs and a running commentary from the staff!

The octopus lady does some good work, I haven't watched the most of her but she's relatively fun to put in the background to just generally learn about things marine

I also enjoy the work of AVNJ Fish Biologist, who does a lot less serious scientific videos, but he also has a video series on ichthyology I'm fond of so, check that out here!

Other:

when doing fish of the day, some sources have continually come back again and again, I'll list these off first.

Wikipedia: I personally find the wikipedia is a good resource, but it never gives the full picture when your trying to learn. Do not base your knowledge only on wikipedia, i recommend trying to read through some of the sources that wikipedia has listed on a topic, and if you are new to a subject I suggest trying to find introductory textbook before plunging in head first. I find that wikipedia is wonderful at convincing you that you know what its talking about, as it's very easy to just read without knowing the definition for a small handful of words. But, you will quickly come to realize at some point or another that you understood less than you think. As much as it is a wonderful tool, don't use it exclusive well learning

WoRMS- World Registrar of Marine Species has basic info and distinguishes between species, along with some good research, I'd recommend checking them out!

Fishbase! contains good information on most fish

.gov websites, and websites that align with governments across the world can be trusted for fish purposes mostly, the NOAA is a great resource for learning and searching info on animals, as is the Monterey Bay Aquarium

If you're looking to find a scientific paper, I recommend searching on google scholar, as it will show you which you can access the pdf of without paying.

And, if your looking to come into contact with papers you just cant seem to find the pdf of, I would recommend Scihub other than scihub, you can also look for any number of things locked behind a paywall with this niffty website I found ! A lot of resources there.

That's everything I can think of! Have a good time learning ! :)

[honeyrisuke]

also if i see one more fucking post saying "in northern europe you are unlikely to be offered food" and this claim is SOLELY based on american cultural understandings i'm gonna turn that fucking wording around on yall real quick

bc i think its horribly fucking rude to already be invited to someones house, then not communicate what you want AT ALL and just EXPECT to be able to stay over for as long as you want without pissing off after what you met up to do is over and also expect to be catered to exactly how you want and like it, all without even saying a goddamn word. it gives "Karen"

[thebestusernamepossible]

I think a really underrated character duo in gravity falls is Dipper and Stan. Like one, I think they are way more similar than people give them credit for. Like Dipper is definitely the one who feels like the ‘inferior’ twin (internally on his part), something reflected in Stan. Also Dipper is generally pretty cunning and willing to throw punches in a Stan-way, you can see Stan rubbing off on him as the show progresses. Dipper in the Stan costume, and that one scene where Stan and Dipper both cross their fingers at the same time for the same promise, both live in my head rent free. In my heart of hearts I think Dipper picks up a bit of Stans con-man tricks in the future (and Mabel goes on some bonding missions w/ Ford, but this post isn’t abt them). Also I just want to say I bet Dipper reminded Stan of a young Ford and that informed some of their early dynamic. Anyway bye just needed this brainworm out

[deoidesign]

I have a question, but it may be already have been answered in the story (my brain is just not the best with memory).

Since vampirism symbolises for you chronical illness (which, omg, that is a hot take I've never thought off before and love from now on), does Steve count as chronical ill, too, with the whole halfvampire thing going on? So, would his uncontrollable time jumping each month be a symptom of that chronical illness?

not in the story, no worries! Just a possible interpretation and my personal intent when writing.

As a small aside I personally don't like to think of chronic illness as something that people "count" as, so to speak, it's an extremely personal label and incredibly varied between individuals and as with all disability there is never such thing as hard lines or black and white... but I understand why you worded it that way and I understand what you're asking.

So, yes, Steve is also chronically ill within this framework. The entire comic is sort of shaped around this, to be honest! I mean he canonically has some pretty extreme memory issues... He's also canonically homeless (not that this is an illness but I just mean it's something I think most people forget about him when discussing him). And, yes, his condition is uncontrollable and is severely impacting his ability to live the life he wants to live.

He has just been barely coping up to the point we meet him, and has been very desperate which is what led him to creating that list of deviations. He has periods where his body is out of his control, he is unable to form relationships, he hurts others without meaning or wanting to... Yeah. He's metaphorically relating to a lot of things, really.

So, yknow, you're welcome to interpret him as you'd like! for me I relate a lot with my various issues and conditions and thus that's why I've projected on him the way I have, but of course I would understand entirely different interpretations of what is inherently metaphorical.

[cinnamon-bunni]

NOT okay right now im thinking abt pokemon leaving scars on their trainers + everyday, domestic problems.....

[floral-hex]

I’m about a week and a half into starting Remeron and my main side effect so far is I’m just so dang sleepy all of the time.

[sheogorad]

you know i've got it bad when i come back to tumblr to rant about my fucking stupid baka life. i am just. i'm chewing and munching and crunching on my own limbs. i had therapy where i talked about [redacted] and that seemed to help it a bit. but i feel like a big stupid idiot that talks too much and lets too much info slip. i feel so vulnerable and i don't even get to be held and loved. i'm getting nearly all the anxiety and pain of being vulnerable and honest in love WITHOUT THE LOVE. i literally want to fucking choke myself out. i want to run into the woods and bite trees like a fucking beaver. i hate how much bigger he is than me because every time i think about it i feel like i'm going to die because i KNOW. i know. how good it would feel to be his little spoon. his hugs are already insanely good. they already make me feel small and held. i just lay here every single day. every single night. and just fucking Yearn bro. i just. imagine. being spooned. and i feel like crawling out of this 3rd story window so i land head first on the concrete. then i might be put out of my gay misery. i shouldn't have to suffer like this, during PRIDE MONTH. catching feelings is homophobic