#the last few months have been some of the most creatively fulfilling of my life

[timptoe]

Here at the End of Everything

I finished my first-ever playthrough of the Mass Effect trilogy this past July, and it broke my brain. I had a visceral reaction to the ending that surprised me, a sweet melancholy that lasted weeks, which had never happened to me before. I’ve spent the last several months working through those emotions trying to figure out why. Some of it’s wrapped up in my personal life--I recently left a career I’d worked in for twenty years because I’d been burned one too many times, and I hadn’t mourned that loss as thoroughly as I’d thought.

That might be why I kept coming back to the question, “How is it possible that Joker leaves Shepard behind on the Crucible?” I get it mechanically (Shepard dies in two of the three endings, so why script out Joker coming back for just Destroy), but narratively, it flies in the face of everything the story tells us about who Joker is, what his background is, and what his relationship with Shepard is built on.

I turned to free writing to figure it out, something I haven’t done in years. I was a professional creative in my former career; the work drained me so much that I did almost nothing creative outside of it. Writing in the last couple of months has been therapy in more ways than one, and diving into the deep end of the ME fandom here has been a blessing beyond measure.

So here’s what I’ve got: a longfic that follows Joker in the last hours before the triggering of the Crucible, and how his decisions and state of mind are informed by his past. Most of this will be canon-compliant but exploring scenes the game never chooses to show. It’s my attempt to put my brain back together and figure out if leaving is ever really worth it.

Chapter 1 is below; it’s the intro, setting up Joker’s frame of mind in the moments as Hackett gives the order to retreat. I’ll post chapter 2 tomorrow, and the rest as they get finished in the coming months, all of which deal with the pieces of Joker’s thought process as he decides to leave. Both chapters 1 and 2 are already up on Ao3. And it’ll eventually have an mshenko chapter, because the Shepard/Kaidan romance did so much to heal my soul.

If I’ve learned anything from this fandom in the last few months, it’s what Anthony Olivera says: be brave enough to be kind. Thanks for putting your work out there, friends; your bravery’s made me more kind.

Chapter 1: The Damage Is Done

Slowly, then all at once The dark clouds depart  And the damage is done  - Sleeping at Last, “Sorrow”

Sol System, Earth, SSV Normandy SR-2 The final moments of the Reaper War

It’s an information processing problem.

“All fleets!”

He just needs more time.

Joker tunes out the chaos behind him in the CIC, the tension in the cockpit around him. This far into the battle for Earth, there’s a lot of chaos. Crewmen running back and forth tracking Reaper movements, looking for targets. Adams shouting through the comm about heat generation. Traynor trying her level best to coordinate with the rest of the fleet. The recovered ground team crowding around his console, silent, watching. Waiting.

Tunes out isn’t exactly right. It’s more that he lets it wash over him, lets the noise and energy swirl together with the information on the lit panels in front of him, the feedback in the haptic nodes of his chair, a hurricane of input with him right at the center. Where he should be. Where he wants to be. He thrives in chaos, wears it like the hardsuit Alenko’s wearing in the co-pilot’s seat next to him.

Maybe better. Alenko’s hardsuit isn’t looking so great. 

“The Crucible is armed.”

His hands fly over the haptic panels, searching for a solution. He can do this. Joker‘s the best pilot in the Alliance, full stop. This isn’t bravado. It’s fact. Highest scores on the entrance aptitude test of anyone in his class by an order of magnitude. First recruit to actually solve the Jakarta simulation—before he was officially a cadet, to boot. Stole a damned prototype stealth ship out from under his superiors’ noses, twice, and oh yeah took the first-ever killshot on a Reaper in the middle of a literal warzone without getting hit once. 

Okay, sure, maybe there’s a little bit of bravado. But he’s earned it. Flying a frigate like the Normandy isn’t something everyone can do. Hell, it’s not something anyone can do. Just him.

He’s earned it.

With every broken bone, every sideways glance, every “fuck you just watch me do it,” he’s earned it. Because he’s clever. He’s perceptive.

He’s fast.

“Disengage and head to the rendezvous point.”

Someone grips his shoulder roughly, and he shakes them off. Don’t they know he’s in his element? Finding solutions to problems no one else can? There’s always a way. They just need to stop bothering him and give him a moment. He can figure this out. Flying isn’t about strength or toughness or whatever it is the marines onboard are always hoo-rah!-ing about. It’s about speed—speed of thought. And Joker is, by a mile, the fastest thinker on the ship. 

The thing about flying a ship like the Normandy is that you’ve gotta be thinking about a million little things at any given moment. You have to be able to take information, process it, and act on it in a split second. And that information changes all the time, so you have to constantly be processing. Because if you don’t? People die. Like they did on the SR-1.

Like he did on the SR-1.

What’s more, this is Joker’s responsibility now. It has to be him. He knows what his job is, and he’s not going to fuck it up again. He can do this. He just needs more time.

“I repeat: disengage and get the hell out of here!”

He’s not leaving without Shepard.

How could he?

[the-oracle-of-the-lost]

I watched every Star Trek episode & here are my opinions.

as the title says – i finished all the Star Trek shows as of today yesterday and since i watched most of them while i wasn't using tumblr, i want do do some mini-reviews – both what i think are objectively the best shows and which are my personal favorites. i might make a couple more "ranking" posts for theme song/pilot/finale/favorite epsiodes/etc eventually but this post is already long as hell. i'll also probably do a movie post sometime but i want to rewatch the AOS movies first since i haven't seen Into Darkness since it came out (before i was actively a Trekkie).

also just as a note, these are fully my own opinions & tastes. i'm not trying to argue that any of these shows are bad (nor are any flawless), i'm just Some Guy giving my opinions.

continued under the cut. apologies for how long this is but there sure is a lot of Star Trek.

Watch Order

my opinions are probably a bit influenced by the order that i first watched these shows in so just as some background – i watched sporadic episodes of TOS & TNG when i was a kid which was enough to be familiar with the characters, general vibes, & world but not enough to really get into it. in late 2020/early 2021 i watched DS9 per a friend's recommendation and really loved it and decided to give all the different shows a shot. i watched all of TNG summer 2021, watched some of Disco & (what was then all of) Lower Decks in fall 2021. i started Voyager spring 2022, was interrupted because of Life Stuff and finished it spring 2023. i watched the first season of snw & prodigy sometime in between then. watched Picard spring 2023 just before s3 aired. watched Enterprise summer/fall 2023. finished Disco spring 2024 (just before s5). did a slow march through TOS between summer 2023 and summer 2024. and finally i watched TAS this past month. and i've been keeping up with all recent releases since 2023.

i've also rewatched a large amount of Trek either with my mom or friends at various times so i've ended up seeing most episodes twice (or more in the case of DS9 & Voyager).

Somewhat Objective Ranking:

there's a large difference for me between shows that i think are objectively good & ones that i'm personally attached to so here's just my attempt at ranking Star Trek shows by how good i think they are from a critical lens, not necessarily my favorite.

for me – a good show, and specifically a good Star Trek show, should have in my opinion a) a diverse & strong cast of characters, b) have unique & compelling plots whether they're based in science fiction, politics, or philosophy, c) has a strong moral center & explores the nature of humanity in some way, d) allows the audience to believe in a better future, e) is consistent (both with continuity and episode quality), f) does something to differentiate it from other shows, and g) is actually entertaining.

i don't think any shows come close to fulfilling all of those qualities but some do better than others.

11. The Animated Series: probably not a surprise that it comes in last. it's a fun show by the standard of kid's cartoon in the 70s and i genuinely do like it but it has a lot of the flaws of TOS (lack of continuity, lack of character depth, flimsy plots) with few of the upsides. though i do like how the secondary characters get more of a focus than in TOS.

10. Enterprise: big jump up in quality here from TAS but Enterprise does fall flat compared to the other shows. the Vulcan & Andorian stories are almost always good but so much of s1 & s2 lacks creativity and a lot of the a plots end up feeling generic & reused (though the b plots are often great). s3 falls into an obvious & uncomfortable 9/11/war on terror metaphor that has not aged well. and s4 is a huge improvement but doesn't make up for the faults of earlier seasons. additionally, i think returning to "the Trio + secondary characters" was largely a mistake as characters like Hoshi & Travis remain horribly underdeveloped (and what a coincidence that they're characters of color...) all in all. some great ideas and a handful of great episodes but it doesn't make up for how meh large swathes of the show can be.

9. The Original Series: i'm going to be honest that it this is the hardest show to objectively rank just because it's the first and it's so hugely impactful not just on the Star Trek franchise (obviously) but also on science fiction, pop culture, TV production, and American culture. its impact is quite literally immeasurable and i think unfortunately it means the show will always feel small in comparison to the shadow it casts. don't get me wrong. some episodes are great even by today's standard, not to mention by the standard of the 60s. but so many episodes, especially as the show went on, end up being pretty mediocre, poorly paced, misogynistic/racist, and have thin plots. TOS is enjoyable for me because of the camp & exploring the foundations of this fictional universe i love so dearly but i'm not going to pretend that it's objectively better than other shows on this list just because of its legacy.

8. Picard: now i could pretty easily judge each season of Picard as its own show and each season would get spaced out in entirely different places on this list. i genuinely believe s1 of Picard is one of the best seasons of Star Trek. the writing fumbles a bit at the end but the characters, direction, & acting is some of the best of the franchise. unfortunately the choice to present each season as a separate anthology reallllly let's it down because of the lack of continuity between seasons. the pandemic definitely threw a wrench into the show but s2 (while i enjoy it), has a very messy meandering plot that feels insecure in its skin. s3 (which i also enjoy) has tighter writing but suffers majorly from having been outlined before the end of s2 therefore having a weird discontinuous transition between seasons and unfortunately excluding so many great characters from s1 & 2. i love it dearly (not to foreshadow my personal favorite ranking) but it is a mess.

7. Discovery: most of the critiques i have of Picard also stand for Discovery which also opted for the "anthology" style series which i think fundamentally doesn't work. Discovery took awhile to find its voice and after s3, still sung somewhat off key. Michael is easily one of the best & most well developed Star Trek characters and the rest of the cast is good but are painfully underdeveloped as its hyperserialized format doesn't really leave time to get to know the characters unless it's essential for the plot. like Picard, it also got screwed over by pandemic-era production leaving some episodes clumsily written. some seasons, in my opinion, end up with an overcomplicated plot that becomes difficult to follow. nevertheless, there are some episodes and scenes that are stunning and somewhat make up for the mis-steps. and ultimately, the later seasons of the show really do understand the heart of Star Trek.

6. Strange New Worlds: going back to an episodic style for the next live action show after the mixed reviews of Picard & Discovery was definitely a good choice. the writing is much tighter, the characters generally feel more whole, and there's more to grab onto compared to entirely serialized shows. and after a lot of the darkness in Discovery and Picard, it feels like a breath of fresh air to have a show that feels joyful & fun. however. so much of SNW is built off of pre-existing Star Trek (mainly TOS) that it struggles to form its own identity and when it tries to be a new show, it gets caught in the trap of betraying existing continuity. the episodes focusing on La'an, Uhura, M'Benga, & Una are great – some of the best of new trek – but episodes focusing on Spock, Chapel, and Pike end up feeling... off with messy writing and being Kinda Weird about disability/genetics. since it's only had two seasons, i definitely think SNW could ascend or descend in the rankings in the upcoming season(s).

5. The Next Generation: TNG wasn't quite as hard for me to rank as TOS but it sometimes struggles with a similar problem that its legacy in pop culture sometimes overshadows the show itself. it's also tricky because when TNG is good, it's phenomenal; when it's bad, it's really bad; but most episodes land somewhere in the middle. s1 is borderline unwatchable, s2 is just a step above, and from there it gets a lot stronger after behind the scene problems were worked out & it found a stable writing staff. it ends up striking a good balance of stories between straightforward science mysteries, deep explorations of philosophy, space politics, and fun romps. it ends up getting dragged down more than a little by Roddenberry's lingering insistence to have the characters avoid long term conflict and the very episodic style resulting in less ongoing story arcs. characters like Geordi, Wes, Beverly, & Troi also end up feeling somewhat underdeveloped in comparison to characters like Picard & Data.

4. Voyager: this is probably one of my more controversial picks (judging by how others tend to rank the series) and maybe i'm biased but i do genuinely believe that Voyager deserves its place this high on the list. Voyager is an inconsistent show which certainly pulls it down a little but manages to strike a better balance in episode quality and is able to have more dynamic characters & more ongoing narratives than TNG. Voyager still has its share of bad episodes and gets off to a somewhat shaky start (particularly struggling in early s2) but finds its groove more easily because of the experienced writing team that already had years of Star Trek under their belt & an excellent cast. Voyager's biggest stumbles are definitely in regards to under-serving some of the characters (especially Chakotay, Tuvok, and Harry) in later seasons.

3. Deep Space Nine: a somewhat obvious pick for top three Trek shows. DS9 has deservedly been getting its praises in recent years for its darker narratives, its bold approach to some of TV's first serialized stories, its exploration of politics & religion, and the masterful way it can bounce between nuanced episodes on serious topics & fun comedy. it flails a little bit in the first two seasons while finding its voice but compared to some of the other shows, it starts off strong and the quality is generally consistent with seasons 4 & 6 being the obvious highlight. however despite the strength of the characters, actors, and writing, there are certainly times when the show fumbles: episodes that get a bit too dark to bounce back from (and aren't followed up on), stories that present some troubling ethics without much pushback, and its fair share of the mediocre scifi mystery episodes seeded throughout 90s Trek.

2. Lower Decks: based on its first season, Lower Decks is a fun but non-serious entry into the Trek pantheon. so it was surprising when what seemed at first glance like a typical irreverent adult animation show, developed so much genuine heart for both the the Lower Decks characters & the wider Trek franchise. Lower Decks could have been an excuse to string together a bunch of fan-servicey references but it becomes genuinely heartfelt with great new characters, fun worldbuilding, actual insightful commentary on existing Trek, and the ability to laugh at itself while still being made with love. while the first two seasons drag it down a little bit (i think they went in too hard with the raunchy comedy vibes), season 3 and especially season 4 are really great especially with the exploration of Mariner's PTSD that strengthens her into one of the best character in Trek.

1. Prodigy: plenty of people have been singing Prodigy's praises since its untimely cancellation and no joke – it is, in my opinion, the best Star Trek show. it is more of a kids oriented show than the other entries on this list (except TAS) but that doesn't mean it lets up on having complex plots & characters. it might be the only Star Trek show that i genuinely believe doesn't have a bad episode (albeit a couple in s1 that are just okay) and s2 as whole is a masterpiece. the only things that let it down in my opinion are: somewhat clunky animation on close-ups (though the background animation is gorgeous) and the plot getting so over complicated by s2 that i had to draw a diagram to keep track of the time travel (and this is coming from someone who loves over complicated time travel stories.)

My Personal Favorite Star Trek Shows:

11. The Animated Series: as i said before – it's fun, i'm glad it exists, it doesn't really offend me, but with the exception of the episode Yesteryear, it doesn't really do anything for me.

10. The Original Series: yeah... i'm sorry. i just don't click with TOS that much (or TOS era in general as you can tell from the rest of this list). i can recognize its importance and there are definitely some episodes i really enjoyed (either for the camp factor or because they're genuinely good) but the majority of the episodes i either don't have much of an opinion on or i think are genuinely bad (in a not fun way). i'm also fine with looking past some of the bigotries of the time but even so the misogyny & racism in the show was just too much for me. sorry.

9. Strange New Worlds: i enjoy SNW for the most part but it's definitely dragged down because 1) i strongly dislike how Spock is written, 2) while i definitely like episodic Trek more, the short episode order does make the episodes i dislike stand out a lot more, 3) a lot of the show is built on nostalgia-bait for TOS era which... i just don't really have. there are great episodes but as a whole, i'm just not attached to it.

8. Discovery: i really disliked the first two seasons of Discovery when i first watched them and though they've grown on me, it's just too dark for me to really get into. seasons 3-5 i like a lot more and i appreciate how earnest & hopeful it is (especially compared to seasons 1 & 2) but the writing can be a bit heavy handed. and as much as i do really love Michael, i definitely prefer shows with a stronger focus on the ensemble as a whole. that said, i am definitely attached to the characters and really love the 32nd century worldbuilding that's done.

7. Enterprise: i'm honestly a bit surprised that i ended up liking Enterprise this much but the fourth season (with the exception of the finale that definitely doesn't exist) is banger after banger. and while the episodes of earlier seasons might be a bit uninspired, the general worldbuilding is genuinely interesting to me with the exploration of Vulcan politics, the Vulcan-Andorian War, the Temporal Cold War, the pre-Federation politics of Earth, and more. i'm also greatly endeared to all the secondary characters (Hoshi & Phlox particularly) which means it's also a shame that the non-Archer, Trip, & T'Pol characters get so little screentime. and while so much of the first two seasons is kinda bleh, the B plots & runners to those episodes end up being really fun and ends up creating a world & characters that feels worth exploring.

6. Prodigy: i think with time (and a possible third season...) Prodigy could become one of my favorite Treks and as i already said – it's very very good. the core cast of characters is really strong with all of them (except for maybe Murf & Jankom Pog) being well developed and compelling. the plot is interesting and feels relatively unique while still feeling like Star Trek at its core. it's also the rare example of a series that has a lot of fan-service while still retaining its identity and the strength of its own characters. ultimately, it ends up ranking lower on here than my more objective tier list because some of the angst & darkness i enjoy in stories doesn't quite deliver (which is very much not a fault of the show since it is a family show), the way Janeway is written doesn't always quite line up with my own view of the character (again, not a fault of the show), and the fact that i just haven't spent as much time with the show & characters yet.

5. The Next Generation: TNG is very much a comfort show to me. i don't have all that much to add from my objective review (there are very bad episodes, very good episodes, but most are somewhere in the middle). i really like all the characters and the behind the scenes friendships really translate well to the screen but none of them really compel me the way characters do further up on this list. i do give the show a lot of credit though for continuing the worldbuilding established in TOS and taking it in a new direction and a new vibes (rather than continuing the space western format) that is hugely influential to all of the shows that came after it.

4. Lower Decks: pretty much the same as my objective review – it's a fun show that ends up finding a good balance of humor, strong characters, and pointed commentary at past Trek shows. it's a show obviously filled with a lot of love for the franchise and i'm very glad it exists. aside from Mariner, i'm not quite as attached to the other characters but i do love them all.

3. Deep Space Nine: as i said before, DS9 is undoubtedly one of the strongest shows in Star Trek. it has the most recurring characters, pretty much all of which i find compelling, and a fantastic cast of regulars as well. the overall plot of the show is incredibly strong and allows it to have a lot of good commentary on imperialism, war, religion, race, and more. it has my two favorite episodes in all of Star Trek (The Visitor and Far Beyond the Stars) and so many other bangers as well. it's the show that first hooked me into Star Trek & the Star Trek fandom and it really is fantastic. the reason it doesn't rank higher here is entirely subjective in that i just don't feel as compelled to explore the characters & fandom as the last two shows on this list. other people have talked about how shows that are too objectively good aren't necessarily the best for fandom and that's how i kind of feel about DS9. it's great. i love it. i'm not necessarily compelled to feel like i have to add to it.

2. Picard: i can recognize that in many ways Picard kinda fails as a show (for reasons i've already stated) but that absolutely does not stop me from loving it. it's extremely messy and i've wanted to fix it ever since i saw it. it might be an unpopular opinion but the worldbuilding developments in s1 (the destruction of Romulus, the synth ban, the general darkness of the Federation) are incredibly compelling to me and i really do like deconstructing Picard as a character (even if i wish he was in the show a little less). and despite some major inconsistencies between seasons, i find the characters wonderfully rich and well written and every time i watch an episode, i feel like i want to explore them more and more. (not coincidentally, it's also the Star Trek show i've written the most fanfic for.)

1. Voyager: Voyager has enthralled me mind, body, & soul. i've never had such a fast turn around from a show that i was meh about to one that constantly consumed my thoughts. it's undoubtedly imperfect but it's imperfect in a way that i feel compelled to want to study and fix. with the exception of maybe DS9, Voyager has the strongest cast of characters and one of the strongest premises of any show. i firmly believe that Kathryn Janeway is the best (and certainly my favorite) Captain in all of Star Trek and most of the characters rank among my favorite Trek characters of all time. even if there aren't a ton of obvious ongoing narratives, the subtle ways the characters change over the 7 years is great and leaves the door open for fandom to explore so much (which as you can tell is definitely something that draws me to a lot of shows). and while DS9 might have my favorite episode of Star Trek, Voyager ends up having more stories that rank amongst my favorites (Year of Hell, Latent Image, Endgame, Barge of the Dead, Bride of Chaotica, Riddles, Survival Instinct, Timeless, etc).

anyways.... that sums that up. i'll probably type up my list of favorite episodes sometime in the next few days because i need to milk the "i watched all of Star Trek" thing for a little bit.

[lucky-clover-gazette]

Variations on Corruption

Unreleased and unused content from Corruption Loves Company. Includes the original first ending, two deleted scenes (including a look into the Corruption But it's Chill gang post-fic), and various notes from development.

An Overly Sentimental and Personal Note:

On October 1st, 2022 I picked up The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords manga at an indie bookstore where I used to work. I knew very little about the story, but I had previously enjoyed Akira Himekawa's Twilight Princess manga. On October 4th, 2022, I actually read the manga. I got to the forest scene with Vio and Shadow, did a quick sanity check on Tumblr ("uhhhh is it just me or are they...?") and almost immediately fell in love with the pairing. The rest, to use a very contrived phrase, was history. 

In the past two years I have written a lot about this story and these characters. I am very fond of my entire body of work, but my two corruption AUs have a special place in my heart. So on the two-year anniversary of discovering the manga, I thought it would be nice to share some insight and unreleased content related to them both, and explain a bit more about what they and this fandom mean to me. 

In the latter half of 2023 and for the first few months of 2024, Corruption Loves Company—a fic that had been originally intended as an edgy grimdark experiment with a poignant resolution—became a very large part of my life. I had written the entire thing (yes, the entire thing) in August/September of 2023, but had hesitated to publish the final three chapters. My desire to find a different resolution snowballed, and what had started with simple intentions became a meditation on serious things I was figuring out how to cope with in my actual life. The story ended up transformed in the final two chapters, finally completed in March of 2024. And while I do think that everything was surprisingly (and accidentally) well-foreshadowed and I'm very proud of the final product, there remains a fully written and edited original ending that never saw the light of day. Most notably, this original ending did not include Hylia. Take from that what you will. 

While active in this fandom, I had the privilege of finding numerous creative collaborators and making a few good friends. I also became deeply invested in the characters and story we all enjoyed. I poured my passion and love into this pairing, and my writing about them, for the better part of two years. I dedicated so much time to Four Swords fanworks because of this community, my own creative fulfillment, and the ideas that Vio and Shadow as a pairing represented to me. 

Corruption Loves Company, perhaps more than any other fic, really emphasizes what exactly those ideas are. I think that is a major reason why I  put so much effort and care into meticulously constructing it. Even though it became somewhat convoluted with triforce hijinks and heavy-handed religious allegory, I still know what it was always meant to say: There is no higher power than people caring about other people. That message is present in all of my Four Swords fic, really. And it matters. 

Attentive readers might have noticed that I've taken a long break from writing in this fandom. The truth is, I'm not sure if I ever will again. I ended up taking a massive step away from Four Swords in the spring of 2024, for personal reasons related to the fandom experience. I haven't been able to bring myself back since. 

All that is to say, this very well might be my last Four Swords update for a while, if not forever. I genuinely hope that someday I will be able to write Vio and Shadow without feeling sad, because even just reading this old writing made me feel so happy. 

The original conclusion of Corruption Loves Company is a preservation of a relationship with this piece of media that I'm not sure I'll ever have again. It isn't as "deep" or meticulously written as the final version, but in a way, I think it actually portrays the themes of the story very well in the absence of everything I ended up adding. I don't know if that will make sense to anyone else, but it does to me. 

I've also included some random funny/interesting development notes and snippets, because holy shit I worked so hard on this fucking fic, you have no idea, oh my god. And two deleted scenes, the latter of which shows us a day in the life of characters from It's Dangerous To Go Alone, the significantly more chill predecessor to Corruption Loves Company. Tingle is unfortunately not present.

Discovering the Four Swords manga on October 4th 2022 helped me heal my relationship with writing and creation, after years of struggling to get out a single earnest word. I am deeply proud of my silly, heartfelt fanfiction and I appreciate every friendly presence I've encountered throughout my time in the fandom. 

Thank you for your company. 

It mattered. 

[b1acksh33p999]

July 2024 Horoscopes:

🔥Aries: This month is going to force Aries to wake up to how some of their actions have been holding them back from getting the recognition they deserve! With the transit Sun and moon in a hard aspect to Aries at the start of the month, this is going to push Aries towards overcompensation in all areas. My advice to you this month is to take a step back from the image of what appears to be the life they’re creating with their actions and to find the details they’ve overlooked. Most of these details will be found in how Aries is presenting their goal setting- not to say that they are aiming or focused on the wrong areas, it’s more of Aries overlooking how intense their independence may be coming off to others involved in these goals. Don’t forget that you’re not in this life alone, so asking for the input of others is crucial now to avoid any pesky emotional responses from those around you. Focus on strengthening teamwork, not leadership!

⛰️Taurus: This month is going to start out with Taurus reevaluating their emotional investments. With the transit moon starting in conjunction with your natal sun sign, this will cause a ripple effect that may seem to completely change your status in terms of relationship, property matters, business involvements, and ability to relax overall. This will only intensify as Neptune retrogrades in Pisces starting July 2nd - this sextile with your natal sun will cause a deep confusion on these matters, which will lead to intentional introspection to work through what matters most to you now. My advice to you is to pay attention to your dreams, especially after the 2nd; dreams may hold symbols that can lead to epiphanies or a much needed “wake up call” on matters left unsettled for too long. The changes that will come over the next few months can easily benefit your money, properties, and relationships. It’s time to wake up and start listening to what your heart is telling you that you really need to feel the fulfillment you deserve!

🌬️Gemini: This month may cause Gemini to feel left behind, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth! With Jupiter transiting in conjunction with your natal sun - Geminis will be presented with an abundance of opportunities to grow and expand their communication, and repair relationships with siblings. On the full moon on July 21st, Mars will join Jupiter in conjunction with your sun sign causing action to finally feel supported with the blessings aligning themselves now. This will cause a major glow up for Geminis everywhere! How these changes affect your daily life and the future is completely up to you and dependent on your level of self-awareness on what it is you need to truly feel happy. My advice to you this month is to take the days leading to the full moon to really hone down on what it is you need right now to feel gratitude on a daily basis, then release these built up fears and emotions to the universe. That will only aid you in making room for what’s meant to find you now. The best is yet to come!

🌊Cancer: This month is going to help you feel the happiness and gratitude you begged for last year! With most of the transit interpersonal planets in harmonious aspects to your natal sun sign - this will bring forth nostalgic feelings from what your life looked like last year, and allow you to see the growth that you made in the last 365 days. My advice to you is to use the energy on the full moon July 21st, to pay yourself back in whatever way feels most rewarding for you. After all of the moments and memories that happened over the last year, that countered your beliefs of what you were worthy of receiving; allow yourself to feel the joy of the changes you’ve made. The most beautiful blessings are rewarding a grateful attitude filled with limitless potential. This is a great month to divulge yourself in creative outlets, especially as a way to tap into a positive mentality. You are the only thing limiting yourself at this time, so take on a limitless perspective!

🔥Leo: This month is going to be filled with happy moments that lead to feelings of love and abundance! With the starting transits in a less harmonious aspect to your natal sun sign, this month will only get better as it gets closer to the full moon on the 21st! A special highlight of gifts, strong love, and amazing memories will be between the 21st-31st. My advice to you this month is to think thoroughly about how you speak to those you love before you open your mouth. Any problems that could come for Leo this month would be tied to speaking before thinking through what you’re actually saying! This is only amplified if it’s someone you have strong love for, or cherish their presence in your life. Physical transformations will continue along without a hitch this month, which could easily lead to an abundance of newfound confidence, increasing the possibility of speaking quickly. My advice to you this month is to give others the kind of consideration and love you would want from a loved one. Don’t let your sassy attitude, or temper, get to the best of you this month; if you do it’ll only lead to having to work through guilt in your own behavior once the full moon arrives. Treat others how you want to be treated, and look forward to an amazing month of blessings!

⛰️Virgo: This month will help offer you a perspective on your life that was hidden from you previously! This is especially true once Neptune goes into retrograde in opposition to your natal sun sign - forcing immediate tension on you when you try going against your better judgment. My advice to you this month is to lean into the transit Juno energy in conjunction with your natal sun sign and follow your heart. Allowing yourself to feel and follow love without fear of betrayal will help counteract the trust issues haunting you at this time. This DOES NOT MEAN to follow your heart blindly - it means to allow your heart to lead the way, instead of attempting to intellectualize your current emotional baggage. This month could easily show you the darkest side of not allowing your heart to have a say in what your involvements are, and present to you how it’s holding you back from letting go of these painful memories and causing your growth to fall into cycles of stagnancy. Open your eyes to what you’ve been missing, and don’t miss out on what’s right in front of you!

🌬️Libra: This month is going to cause many Libras to feel more connected to their astrological opposition, and reclaim their independence without concern for others around them! With transit Lilith moving into 0° Libra on the 1st, and staying in conjunction with your Sun sign the entire month; this will cause Libras to feel reassured that the changes being made now are simply growth. A highlight for Libra is the full moon on the 21st, which will cause this independence to seep into their values, property matters, assets, and self worth. What’s most important now is to know that these changes are simply a part of the process of growth that is meant for Libra to reclaim their control in their own decisions that will help create the life they truly deserve. My advice to you this month is to avoid playing peacekeeper, but don’t go looking for fights or drama. You will know you’re aligned with growth when you find yourself proud of your ability to reclaim your right to being the leader of your own life. Anyone who fights you now on what you feel is best for you and your own happiness needs to be let go. Stop worrying about losing toxic people and don’t be afraid to apologize if you feel you didn’t communicate your needs in the best way. Respect isn’t given, it’s earned!

🌊Scorpio: This month is going to have family on your mind! With many trines to your natal sun sign, especially before the full moon on the 21st - this will have you feeling more sentimental towards family matters, and even feelings of clinging to familial relationships for reassurance on how you’re doing in life right now. My advice to you this month is to use the time while Neptune retrogrades in a trine to your sun sign, from July 2nd-December 7th, to recognize the unique impact you have on the family connections you have now. Recognizing your unique perspective will help unlock your emotional depth without causing more baggage from past hurts or pain. Let this month teach you just how special you are to those you love!

🔥Sagittarius: This month will cause a deep need for travel or simply getting outside and exploring local areas! This newfound independence isn’t a solo feeling however, it’s meant to be a team effort; so try not to isolate yourself from others. As we approach the 31st of this month, this energy will start to feel more in tune with what you’re ready to experience now. My advice to you is to take a deep breath and tackle these new experiences with confidence! As a naturally loving yet stubborn sign - you could easily find yourself stuck in your ways and avoidant to changing things for others. However, that mutability is exactly what you need to embrace this month to feel truly aligned with where you’re headed. Don’t let the shadows of your past stop you from taking risks that lead to growth!

⛰️Capricorn: This month is going to heavily impact Capricorn's emotional state and enhance the desire to be close to family now! With the full moon on the 21st in a critical 29° Capricorn moon- the matters covered before this are going to highlight exactly what needs to be let go now, and what needs to be invested in; without a shadow of doubt. My advice to you this month is to use the Saturn retrograde in Pisces to dig deep into your subconscious and figure out what areas you may find yourself nit-picky on and release expectations in this area. This way you will be able to be delighted when those around you surpass these previous expectations or standards. The universe is providing you with a unique opportunity for a second chance, and what’s needed now will become undeniable by the full moon!

🌬️Aquarius: This month is going to force you to alter your introverted lifestyle and place you on a platform with all eyes on you now! With a series of oppositions, tied with a conjunction from critical transit Pluto to your sun sign - you will get a drastic uptick in attention from those who seemed to forget about you for most of the year. This newfound attention won’t be the easiest for you to adapt to in the beginning but once we hit the 15th of the month, this attention will start to induce a grateful attitude, and bring forth blessings and reassurances from loved ones on how amazing you are doing. My advice to you is to tackle this newfound attention and allow yourself to lead others by being unique and true to yourself. Don’t let this attention cause you to question your growth unless there are areas or baggage that needs to be let go for the betterment of your mental health. If there are things you need to let go of to avoid stagnancy or self doubt, get on that ASAP! By the 2nd, Neptune will retrograde in a hard aspect to your natal sun causing hesitation or resistance to changing your ways. This retrograde will last until December 7th of this year! Don’t be afraid to stand true in your uniqueness, and help others embrace their own ability to go against the social grind. This is exactly the kind of energy that should be embraced now for an abundance of opportunities to come flooding towards you!

🌊Pisces: This month is going to help you build up and upgrade your current lifestyle! With the transit Saturn already retrograding in your natal sun sign, and being joined by your planetary ruler on July 2nd - this will cause feelings of heightened ability to manifest the kind of feelings that will help attract the abundance you desire. My advice to you this month is to ensure that those you love are feeling as confident and aligned as you are too! With the amount of positivity that’s about to flood your daily life and change your circumstances - this could easily cause you to make decisions for others without asking them what it is they want or need to feel happy and complete. You will feel naturally more optimistic towards life, especially after the 2nd, and sadly the people around you may not be so lucky. As Pisces is naturally the sign who receives what they give away without looking for what they will get in return; the more you are flexible and considerate with loved ones, the more you will naturally receive this energy back from them. Any fights that may happen over the course of the month could easily be due to a lack of consideration for others around you, so it’s best to plan for yourself and what you need. If there’s anything you need from someone else to attain a goal or feel complete, make sure to check in with them before assuming they will be ok with helping you. Pisces are receiving massive gifts, and downloads this month - paired with healthy mental health and sleep cycles, but those around Pisces are in need of help or direction now. My advice to you is to be understanding of those who are not having things so easy right now. You never know who may just remember your simple acts of kindness and decide to repay these gifts at a later time when you really need it. Get ready to enjoy the freedom and life upgrades heading your way!

[faceless-conspiracy-buff]

A Bit of an Update

[ Hi everyone! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Since I haven’t posted anything new in the past... four months? Ish? I thought I’d take a moment to let you all know where things currently stand with regard to my life, this blog and its future.

Fair warning, though: I’ve got a lot to say. ]

[ Let’s start with the obvious: I haven’t posted anything new since December, and even then, I wasn’t posting very regularly.

There are reasons for that. Four big ones, to be precise.

The first (and biggest) of those is my job. I might have mentioned it before, but I started my first full time job last summer. It’s not a fun or fulfilling position and I plan on leaving it as soon as I possibly can, but right now, it’s the only source of income I’ve got. 

It also takes up most of my free time. Back when I was in university, I was able to answer multiple asks each day. Now, I’m lucky if I draft a new post once a week. 

Secondly, this blog has gotten a lot more attention than I ever expected it would.

As I’ve said many times before, I started faceless-conspiracy-buff as a passion project. I just wanted to try my hand at writing Q and maybe respond to a few questions from my friends. I had no idea that I’d end up with nearly three hundred followers. 

And I’m grateful for the attention! It’s really, really flattering to know that so many people are interested in my art and writing. 

But it’s also a little intimidating, which brings me to my third point: I’m trying to prioritize my mental health. 

I’m an anxious person by nature and the past year has been quite rough on me. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is challenging under the best of circumstances and since my circumstances aren’t the best... I’m sure you can see where this is going.

Things have been slowly improving. I’ve been practicing self-care, spending more time with friends and family, and generally trying to deal with my issues in a healthy way. 

I’ve also been trying to cut out sources of unnecessary stress and, unfortunately, writing for this blog can be quite stressful. 

I want to learn to manage that stress before I dive back into my inbox, y’know?

Finally, I’m working on a couple other projects right now. My dad’s a writer, and his number one piece of advice has always been “make your own stuff”. He understands the appeal of fan fiction, but he has always stressed the importance of having full creative control of your work. 

And while I’d like to think that this version of Vic is uniquely mine, in the same way that Gail Simone’s Barbara Gordon is uniquely hers, I don’t own him. I can’t put any of my asks in my portfolio, or submit my flash fiction for publication. 

I like writing Q, but I think it’s important for me to create original stuff too.

All of this is a long way of saying that there were legitimate reasons for my absence this time around.

I don’t want to abandon this blog. I don’t intend to abandon this blog.

I may eventually decide to throw in the towel, but I don’t plan on leaving without giving my boy a proper send off. 

Q is still a major source of inspiration for me and a huge comfort character to boot. He is, for lack of a better term, blorbo from my shows. I love him.

And I love you. All of you. The mutuals, the strangers. The long-time followers, the newbies. The AIs, and the Riddlers, and the Dannyzens, and the vampire hunters, and all the people who send me in-character messages and delightful fan art.

I love you all.

Working on this blog has been hard, but you guys make it worthwhile.

Expect some kind of... something, in the near future. The issues I mentioned will probably keep me from settling into a schedule, but I’m going to try to put something together for all you kind, patient people. It’s the least I can do. ]

[withleeknow]

the stars aligned for you being a june bangtan baby!! . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ for me still with you reigns as his superior single ✨️ that specific jk/jin take two pre-chorus GOD the lyrics and harmonisations still give me butterflies 😭 (🥺💌 = https://we.tl/t-Mfc5dpyl4d)

[🍙's note-to-self: I'm so ready to indulge in your bangtan works] + no pressure at all with your semi-hiatus; when inspiration comes it'll come gracefully in time ♡ also the way you've updated me on your skz-WIPs like your own teaser schedule ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝

lmao how stacked is this multistan sandwich getting, no way you're also an aespa girlie 👀 ok svt lowkey give me a headache IN A GOOD WAY! ONLY BC! there's so many of them to be entertained by their chaos 😭 I'm mostly a dk (&dino) girl - that iconic heeseung effect lowkey happened with these two 😫 https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeVP98fn/ I found this during my hs-rabbithole and I genuinely haven't been the same since

+ today's hyperfixation: cue “go little rockstar” https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGeVP7DxY/ he's radiating black cat energy (tmi: I'm the black cat in the golden retriever dynamic with my bsf which might explain why im extra fuzzy towards this man) 🖤

ONIGIRI HAVE YOU SEEN THIS AAAAAAA "per request from the artist" HE'S NOT EVEN HOME YET AND HE'S ALREADY MAKING ME CRY 😭 oh the envy that i have for the people who get to attend... how does it feel to be the first fans to see and HUG kim seokjin after he's been away for 18 months 😭

god i really do love still with you so much. jungoo absolutely kills it with his artistry and i hope we'll get to see him be more hands-on with his music when he gets back

ahh i actually only started listening to aespa very recently. up until a few months ago i thought they were 3rd gen idols lmao for some reason i always thought they debuted not long after red velvet 😭

i love dk !!!!!! wonwoo is probably at the top of my thirst list but dk is the most precious and endearing and funny 😭 i have never seen them in the same frame before akldakjfdsa that is certainly.......... something 😳 you're really influencing my heeseung brainrot here. i've been watching fatal trouble vids since you mentioned it the other day and i just- *eyes bulge out of head*

god he really is just so sharp from every angle.. biting my fist and whatnot.. i never thought i'd be into enha like that but here we are 😭 omg me too my friends tell me i'm a black cat !! you really are my other 🐈‍⬛ half 🥹

i had to save the best for last bc WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

i adore you to the moon and back, i truly think you're one of the best things that's ever happened to this blog and i'm so happy you stumbled across my little space here 😭 coming back to kpop after a decade really is an experience that not many can relate to but i'm really glad that i get to share that with you :((( tbh once upon a time i also couldn't see myself being a kpop stan past a certain age (twt stans think everyone over 20 is on the precipice of turning into dust lmao), but now being a kpop stan as an adult is so much more fun and fulfilling! getting into bangtan 2 years ago let me reconnect with my creativity and it's really helped me a lot, not just in terms of it being a comforting lil hobby but it made me realize what i wanna do for my career yk (i wanna be a graphic designer or at least work in media lol). and getting to buy merch with adult money! and meeting wonderful pocket friends that can turn into real life friendships! maybe i was meant to be obsessed with kim taehyung 2 years ago and that made me return to kpop bc otherwise i would be missing out on all of these joys 😭 this got so rambly lmao i'm sorry tldr i love you 🥹

[striderepiphany]

Part 3 HOORAY!!!

lock the gates by reconvenings

He and Eddie had been fucking for eighteen months now, give or take, and Richie’s brain started to skid sideways even thinking about it. The last time was in July, when their tour dates had overlapped, because Richie’s set in Nashville ended at nine and that gave him enough time to hop in his rental and drive three hours to Memphis before Eddie closed out his tab at the stupid cowboy-themed bar he insisted on open mic-ing at.

“It’s good practice,” Eddie said, because he was nothing if not a nerd who took notes while watching Don Rickles tapes.

So sorry to sweet fic enjoyers but I have a heavy preference for fics where people are dicks to each other and I LOVE breakups I LOVE them!! This is a really cool and funny AU with a very nice (spoilers) FWB-to-blowup argument-to-three years awkward silence-to-friends-to-lovers progression. Classic. Also more sex than I remember there being upon second reading lol.

Sympathy From The Devil by stitchy

"Why appear as Richie?” Eddie demands.

“Why not?” Not Richie vogues a few poses. “He’s a handsome devil, don’t you think?”

Yikes, has this guy miscalculated. Eddie crosses his arms, unimpressed. “So. Are you supposed to be like, my Virgil or some shit? A manifestation of my dark side? Satan himself? What? What ever the fuck you are, miss me with that Oh, I took the form that we thought would be most comforting to you bullshit, devildick. Richie’s been pissing me off for thirty goddamned years. You blew it!”

-

THE BEDAZZLED AU - Eddie gets 13 wishes from the devil to change his life!

THIS ONE IS SOOOO MUCH FUN such a fun concept such fun writing. Love it. Post-chapter 2 where Eddie gets to make his reanimation whatever he wants it to be with the help of a Richie-shaped devil. Technically there are some sad bits but the ending is really sweet :)

on her behalf by recovenings

“She’s like, ‘oh Eddie, look at Richie Tozier, he’s so big and strong and handsome, I think he’d really treat me right,’ huh?”

“Yeah, actually, so fuck you, man.”

“If you insist,” says Richie.

Or, Eddie Kaspbrak meets his wife’s celebrity crush. Or, hall pass fic, take one.

I've noticed there's a very niche genre in Reddie fanfics in which they have a chance meeting and hook up and it's wonderful and they forget each other again immediately afterwards. Get in on this if that's your thing, this author has really excellent characterization.

a real famous cat all dressed up in red by orestesfasting, swordfishtrombones

“Why would they get a comedian to be Santa, anyway?” Eddie downed the rest of his hot chocolate and tossed the Styrofoam cup into a candy cane-striped garbage can, trying not to think about either sugar or climate change. “Since when is Santa supposed to be funny.”

“I mean, he’s jolly, right?”

“Maybe he’s just the type of asshole who laughs at his own jokes.”

MALL SANTA MEETCUTE!! I've reread this one a lot actually it's just very good. Technically fulfills my breakup & get back together shtick even though they're not really dating before that. There's also an epistolary sequel told through holiday email newsletters that's very creative and funny.

until mr. right comes along by swordfishtrombones

"I ruined the mood," he infers.

Eddie gives him a yeah no shit look and brushes the tension away with the back of his hand. "It's fine. You’re not obligated to have sex with me. We can do something later."

"Like a sad handjob?”

“No, like watch a movie."

Richie nods even though he thinks the not-fucking is just as confusing as the fucking. The not-fucking invites questions, such as: what, exactly, are they doing? It’s one thing to force a childhood friendship into adulthood with a few grown up playdates. But watching movies with said friend, letting said friend wedge his feet under your thighs for warmth, sharing a bed without so much as a half-hearted handy—that’s something else.

FEAR OF INTIMACY VS. EDDIE KASPBRAK'S FLACCID PENIS

Forever Drum by swordfishtrombones

He stands up on the dock, steadying himself with a hand on Richie’s shoulder and keeping his eyes on the glint that must be Richie’s glasses at the bottom of the pond. Doing this, he can't watch the earth-stilling phenomenon of Richie's shoulder blades pressing against each other. Eddie doesn’t like the idea that he’s getting weird with Richie, so he's been trying to touch him casually now and then—although maybe the fact that he’s doing it on purpose means that battle’s long lost.

“If I drown I’ll haunt you till you drop,” Eddie says, and jumps into the water.

Throwing a bone to teen Reddie enjoyers just because this one's too gorgeous to pass up. So rich and gentle it feels like drinking a chai latte on a rainy day. Btw I didn't mean for so many of these to be by swordfishtrombones but they make good stuff what can I say

A Thing Of High Magic, To Never Get Hurt by theomoros

Ten minutes before his wedding, Eddie locked himself in the bathroom of the Beverly Hills Courthouse, swallowed three Advils in one bite, and tried to get out of the window.

or, Eddie's admittedly complicated feelings about marriage meet Eddie's admittedly complicated feelings about Richie. Here's what happens next.

The one where they get married before the events of Chapter 2 and it sucks soooo so bad ❤️❤️ reading them picking up the pieces and learning to reconnect heals my soul every time.

My favorite reddie fics masterpost

I have an absolutely insane number of reddie fics saved in my bookmarks for how recently I joined this fandom so I decided to share my absolute favorites with you. Please give these authors some love and let me know which ones are you've read and enjoyed!

the year of the goat and your kid back by derryfacts2

1 chapter, 14,838 words, No Archive Warnings Apply. Summary: The day you get the most important email of your life, there’s a new black skidmark on the wall of the stairwell, and you know exactly whose fault it is. “Margaret,” you intone to the harried, wild-haired woman in the lobby. She sighs at you as she tries to jimmy her mail key loose. “I know.” It wouldn’t even be that bad if the kid would just skateboard outside. Or get good at skateboarding. Either of those things. Maggie’s a nice lady, though, and she’s had “trying my best” scribbled all over her since they moved into 6B maybe eight years ago. So you try not to be a dick, even if her son is a gold-standard pain in the ass. He’s good for three things: smells, noise, and reminding you how big Eddie must be by now.

The first It fic I read that made me go "holy shit, this is fantastic" and remains one of my all-timers (hence why its first in this list). Really fun and unique outsider POV from Eddie's estranged gay dad, and tells a very sweet story mostly through dialogue. Young adult Eddie and Richie are very cute.

i think the clock is slow by derryfacts2 (again)

3 chapters, 15,815 words, No Archive Warnings Apply. Summary: So there was that reason that work wasn’t boring, too. There was Richie’s soppy campaign of making cow eyes at the back of Eddie’s head as he passed, gently pressing Betty for details about his personal life (“I don’t think he has one. He had this awful fiancé a few years ago, but we’re all glad that’s over”), and chasing the incomparable high of a quiet, muttered “Thanks, Rich” whenever Richie picks something up for him from the copier.

Richie is a wannabe stand-up comic daylighting as the receptionist at Eddie's office. Eddie is a tightly-wound corporate asshole. They are both disasters. Or: five times Richie watched Eddie and one that Eddie watched him back.

I really enjoy workplace dramas and this one satisfied the itch so well. So many good scenes and dialogue, this author characterizes them in a way that really works for me. The perfect read-in-an-afternoon fic.

listen to my heart (can you hear it sing?) by vampirerising

12 chapters, 137,708 words, Major Character Death. Summary: "You need to wake up now,” Stan says softly. “This isn’t real.”

“I know, but I can’t,” Richie sobs. “I don’t want to be here.” Not again. Never again. It is dead, why is It still haunting him?

Stan fixes him with one of those looks of his, the one where he can see his every thought as if it were written on his face. “That’s not true, Trashmouth.”

Alternatively: We all know Richie gets caught in the Deadlights, but do we really know what happens after?

(Deadlights, timelines, Stan’s ghostly meddling—oh, my.)

This one is fucking weird in a way that I absolutely adore. Kind of like a sci-fi novel in that it requires you to pay attention to figure out what the fuck is going on but its so good and worth it. The MCD is Stan, not Eddie, and the last couple chapters are actually a very normal domestic Eddie lives AU. One of the first reddie artworks I made was fanart for a scene from this fic that I really enjoy.

a strange sense of familiarity by Katranga

21 chapters, 103,571 words, No Archive Warnings Apply. Summary: "So Eddie, what brings you to the bar tonight?" Richie asked. "Gonna rebound from the divorce? Pick up a hot young twenty-something to feel young again?” “Fuck you,” Eddie said, jutting his chin forward. “What a terrible way to ruin the mood.” “I’m sorry, all my moods are poorly cultivated. What mood were you looking for?” A nervous lump grew in Eddie's throat. He threw back his drink to get rid of it.

Hand wrapped around the glass he’d just slammed back onto the bar, he said, “The mood that gets me leaving with a schlubby forty-something.”

Pre-chapter two, Eddie and Richie meet and don't remember each other, but have an instant connection anyway...

This one is just... so fucking good. Decently long without ever feeling like it's dragging. Part 1 is them developing their totally-casual-I-swear relationship, which blows up right when Mike calls them back to Derry. Part 2 is them navigating both killing a nightmare clown demon and the awkwardness between them. Also everybody lives! So that's nice.

change partners by avacadomoon (with podfic available)

1 chapter, 30,453 words, No Archive Warnings Apply. Summary: "Rich," Eddie says heavily. Meaningfully, and Richie holds his breath, both afraid and hopeful that Eddie is about to say something really sappy, like I always knew and it didn't matter to me, or you know I support you no matter what. Eddie takes a deep breath before he speaks, and Richie closes his eyes, braced for it. "I didn't look at your dick pics."

"Well hey, Eds, thanks," Richie says, laughing incredulously. "Thanks for that."

I LOVE THIS ONE SOOO FUCKING MUCH. I urge you to consider this as a rec for this author as well, as they have a bunch of other reddie fics I think are fantastic. I have a weakness for any reddie fic that lets them be just a little mean to each other. As a treat. (Also the podfic is very well done, you should check that out too.)

check raise by avacodomoon

1 chapter, 15,061 words, No Archive Warnings Apply. Summary: "Eddie, not a fan of stand up comedy, not a fan of his beer," Rich says, leaning back on one elbow and squinting at him, like he's lining him up in a camera lens frame, "but what is he doing drinking alone?"

"I was alone, and now I'm not," Eddie says. "Some prick sat down next to me and started yapping."

"Ah, unpleasant to talk to," Rich concludes. "Explains a lot."

I know I meant the last rec as a blanket rec for all this author's works but I'm including this one specifically because it has a twist ending that is well-foreshadowed and it slapped my dick clean off.

Things that Happen after Eddie Lives by IfItHollers

11 chapters, 107,947 words, Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings. Summary: In a world where Richie manages to save Eddie from It after the deadlights, they still have problems on their to-do list. Featuring everything from Derry to Los Angeles—Richie Tozier's murder trial, Eddie Kaspbrak's divorce proceedings, bedsharing of the platonic and non-platonic varieties, an investigation of magic, a truly disgusting séance, the quintessential morosexual road trip, and OH MY GOD THEY WERE ROOMMATES.

Definitely NOT your average Eddie lives AU. Drama! Mild peril! Psychic abilities! The ghost of Stanley Uris collect calling from beyond the grave via Richie Tozier's vocal chords! Fun and freaky and weird. Three things that make any fic a Josh favorite.

I'm going to stop there because I'm sleepy but let me know if you want more! Like I said I've got like 70 of these lovingly tucked in my bookmarks and I'm happy to share with the class.

[pleasantanathema]

Pleasant’s Writer Recs!

I’ve gotten a few asks in my inbox over the past few weeks asking me for writer recs, so I thought the best way to do this was to compile a list of my fav authors on tumblr and rec my favorite fic of theirs! A lot of these amazing authors are moots—I’m very lucky to call many of them close friends. This list could be much longer, and I could go on for days about every single author, but I’ll try to keep it brief. Most all of these authors, like myself, write 18+ only content. Hopefully this can be a useful tool for authors and readers alike looking for amazing fanfic 💕

@bakatenshii | Angel is so phenomenal with her writing that I almost can’t put her style and amazing ability into words (but I’ll try). Angel’s work is beautiful, masterful, full of poetry, elegance, and smut that will all leave you gasping. Fav Fic: Blitz [Ushijima x Reader]

@blahkugo | Sunnt, Thunnth, Sunny, whatever you call her, she is brilliant. No one writes Tsukishima quite like she does. She is beyond creative and her writing style flows like the sexiest water, it’ll make you thirsty and quench your aches. Fav Fic: Tower [Tsukishima x Reader]

@deathcab4daddy | Tay is all about details, details, details. She fills in every gap and paints gorgeous, sexy pictures and situations for the reader to feel immersed in. Fav Fic: Cerulean Blue [Akaashi x Reader]

@dymphnasprose | Dymphna is all about fun, sex, and slowly filling out her holy bible of smut. She’s amazing at creating realistic sub/dom relationships and her smut almost always comes with a healthy dose of build-up. Fav Fic: Green Scrunchies [Ukai x Reader]

@enjifuckersupreme | Ketsl reigns supreme over pure, unadulterated porn. They are phenomenal at making me the reader wet, and every fic is crafted with so much care. Enji fuckers should bow down at their feet, no one loves and writes Enji like Ketsl. Fav Fic: Attitude Adjustment [Enji x Reader]

@hisoknen | Raph is one of the first dark blogs I ever started reading, and she never, ever disappoints. She writes pieces that chill you to the bone, but warms your sex- her writing is casual, smooth, and realistic, always giving you everything you need, but leaving you wanting a little more. Fav Fic: Sleeping Beauty [Dabi x Reader]

@hoe-doroki | Ana is one of the sweetest writers I know. Every time I talk to her, she’s working on comfort requests or beta-reading for other people. Her writing is such a pleasure to read, as you can tell she pours love and consideration into every fic for her readers. Fav Fic: Can’t Find My Breath [Bakugou x Reader]

@joyousandverywarlike | Zo...holy fucking shit. Zo is a writer who consistently blows me out of the water with her skill. This woman is a novelist blessing us with juicy, rich smut and love stories like no one else can. She is incredibly poetic and her writing is an absolute joy to read; she also writes amazing fics for black readers and has an amazing voice that she uses for asmr audios! Fav Fic: How We Met [Ushijima x Reader]

@lemonlordleah-shinzawa-kitten | Leah is an author who takes immense care with her work. She works incredibly hard to craft sexy, healthy bdsm fics for bnha. She is a great blog to go to for bdsm education, and she’s also got a side blog @lemonlordleah-extra-sour for all you extra naughty readers who like the darker side of fanfic. You should also check out her Patreon! Fav Fic: Between the Evergreen [Aizawa x Reader]

@linestrider | Nyki’s work is like smooth water, it’s calming, refreshing, but she also adds a nice, chill bite to it as well with her darker style. Nyki puts such an impressive amount of care into her work; a word is never out of place, every sentence has meaning, every paragraph gives you something new. It was very hard to choose just one fic to recommend. Fav Fic: What’s Said is Said [Hawks x Reader]

@lookslikeleese | Leese is one of the most fun writers on Tumblr, and by that I mean you just have a shitload of fun reading her fics. They are like little, sexy treats to take in right before bed and feel a little more full than you were before. She is also the Cucking Queen. Fav Fic: Cola [Enji x Reader] 

@messwriting | Lee is also another fun writer! Her writing is exhilarating to read, and you’d never guess she’s a sexy Brazilian whose second language is English based on how well she writes. She’s a little sex goddess who will give you everything you want and more in every fic. Fav Fic: What We Could’ve Been [Tsukishima x Reader]

@mindninjax | Marquie is a full on sweetie with a sexy side. She. Is. So. Creative. Every fic of hers is so unique and her masterlist is a whole reading experience. She writes Bakugou Katsuki so damn well, she’s a master at characterization, even in au’s. She also writes beautiful fics for black readers. Fav Fic: Bound to You [Bakugou x Reader]

@nekokoafanfictions | I first found Ai on Ao3, and then was fortunate enough to come across their blog here on Tumblr! I’ve said this before in previous rec lists, and I’ll say it again, I still read their fics some nights to fall asleep to, they are just that good, every fic will have you coming back at some point to read it again. Fav Fic: City Lights [Enji x Reader]

@present-mel | The. Queen. Of. Dialogue. Mel is a master at making her fanfic feel real, gritty, sexy, and beautiful all at the same time. This woman pours her heart and soul into fanfic, especially into her Erwin series Fragments of Memories. I was so captivated by her work that I just had to become her friend, her work is enchanting and thrilling. Fav Fic: Until the Fire Played [Enji x Reader]

@rat-suki | Annie makes me horny. Like, real horny. Her smut is fantastic and are often little thrill rides within themselves. Fuck rollercoasters, just go to Annie’s masterlist to find a joy ride. Fav Fic: Hell Fire [Enji x Reader]

@rivendell101 | I’m such a big fan of Alisha, that I sent her a request months ago before we even became friends. This author knows how to craft a story, her work is very meticulous with details and her plots are always so spot on. Fav Fic: Sweet Thing [Natsuo x Reader]

@smutbardpeach | Smutbard is the most accurate title for Peach, as her fics read like poetry and song, filled with beautiful language, imagery, and allusions to the brim. If you’re ever looking for something romantic, sensual, delightful, and just overall magnificent to read, this is the blog to go to. Peach’s work is like reading poetry and classics right off the shelf. Fav Fic: Truth in Wine [Hizashi x Reader]

@spicyness | Are you thirsty? Do you like fun, sexy headcanons? Ness is the author for you. Ness is so, so fun and sweet, and is active with her followers and is always posting something new and creative for us to nibble at. Her blog is full of fun thirsts and she’s always a joy to see pop-up on my dash. Fav Fic: Pride [Bakugou x Reader]

@sugardaddykenma | Lin has the most amazing brain. I wish I could just...see and understand how she thinks. Her blog is full to the brim with hilarious, iconic, and down right fucking true headcanons for haikyuu characters. Many nights I have stayed up laughing my ass off and saying “why is that so true?” while reading through her astonishingly creative work. Fav Fic: Haikyuu on Drugs

@thewheezingwyvern | Wyv is a writer who gets straight to the point; her words are poignant, meaningful, and always paint a very clear picture. She is a Shinsou and Aizawa lover/fucker all the way to her core, and she’s amazing at bringing those characters to life in her work. Fav Fic: Salt Lines [Aizawa & Shinsou x Reader]

@thisisthehardestthing | Claudia is one of the most talented writers I have ever met. Period. She has a vocabulary, a depth, an ability to craft the most intense, alluring, and magnificent fanfic you’ve ever read. Most of her work doesn’t even seem like fanfic, it reads like love letters stuffed into the pages of a book that stand the test of time with her marvelous writing abilities. She always awes me, as every single fic is unique and powerful it its own way. Fav Fic: Tocka [Tanaka x Reader]

@tomurasprincess | The Queen of Darkness herself, Mari is amazing at fulfilling all of your dark desires. I’ve never met anyone else who is as active as she is with her followers, as she’s constantly pushing herself to answer requests and give people exactly what they want to see. She has such an expansive masterlist, any dark fic lover can find something worthwhile from her! She’s almost made a Shigaraki fucker out of me, almost. Fav Fic: Wraith’s Touch [Shigaraki x Reader]

@undermattsun | Miki taught me what a skate rat is. Do I understand it yet? Not really, but I fucking like it. Miki is so much fun and is always active with her followers, giving out awesome thirsts, visuals, and headcanons for her fav haikyuu characters. Fav Fic: Flavor of the Month [Matsukawa x Reader]

@vixen-scribbles | Vixen is someone who cares about everyone around her, and her blog reflects that. Amongst all her amazing writing, you’ll always find her recommending her friends and supporting other writers. Her writing is fucking sexy, she knows her way around the bedroom when it comes to fics, and she’s got a lengthy masterlist to fawn over. Fav Fic: Take All of Me [Ushijima x Reader]

@whats-her-quirk | Truly, the best has been saved for last. June’s work is the heart and soul of classic, fucking amazing fanfic. I can’t even explain how much I love her fics, like they will put the biggest smile on your face and have your thighs rubbing together in anticipation. June is writing her fantasies and having fun, and we are privileged to enjoy the ride with her. She knocked kinktober out of the fucking park, with each fic being a new, fresh delight. Fav Fic: Once in a Blue Moon [Karasuno x Reader Gangbang]

This list could honestly be twice as long, and perhaps in the future I’ll make a companion to it as I meet new authors and read more amazing fanfic. Please give all these authors a follow or at least check out their blogs. 💖

[starrynite7114]

always you (angel reyes)

A/N: Good morning everyone! I know I haven’t posted in a while, and you all know why. Thank you all again for being very understanding, it was a rough couple of weeks, and I’m trying to push through the best I can. This story was supposed to be a one shot for a prompt request I received some time ago, but I’m glad I’m able to finally fulfill it. I wrote out most of it already so it should be posted every 2-3 days. I’m also finishing up Roommates this week, at least trying to! 

Hope you all have been having a good week thus far! Hopefully it is also warming up! Exams have been killing me, but my last one is later today, so yay!

The new Mayans trailer looked amazing! Definitely getting the creative juices flowing, even for EZ. 

Anyways, thank you all again, you are all the utter best!

Special shoutout: To @blackmissfrizzle​, you fucking crazy, violent person, my second brain. Because of you, I got a Tiktok guy on here. But thank you for listening to my crazy ideas about this story, a story that was supposed to be a one-shot turned into a series cause of all of those videos, love you though. And to @angelreyesgirl​ you’re the one who helped me figure out as to why certain things happen in the story, thank you, I just, I love you, you already know this, no more sappiness from me today, maybe. Also, happy birthday!

Groupchat for updates! Please join since the tags could be a bit iffy at times!

If you would like to be added to the tag list, please let me know! My tag list is a little messy, but please let me know if you want to be added!

Masterlist

Word count: 8657

Warnings: Mentions of stalker behavior, angst, smut

169: “ What a pretty sight. ”

187: “ Already? Do I really have that much of an effect on you? ”

You sighed, the knocks on the door following the call you just received from Coco made you want to pull your hair out. This has been ongoing since you two broke up two years ago. It was routine at this point and you were slightly getting tired of it. He chose to let you go and here you were opening your door so Angel could spend the night after a drunken stupor. 

“Sorry again hermana, you know I try to bring his big ass home, but you know how stubborn he is.” Coco assisted Angel inside your apartment with Gilly helping him out. 

They assisted Angel down to your couch, he was barely conscious. He had this obnoxious smile on his face as he settled on your couch.

“Where’s my girl?” Angel called out as he grabbed a pillow, resting his head. 

Gilly looked up at you and you shook your head. “She’s asleep bro, just go sleep.”

“Okay, I’ll go to her.” Angel attempted to stand up, but Gilly held him down.

“Hey, remember, you don’t like bothering her when she’s asleep.” Gilly reminded Angel.

“You’re right, I just want to tell her I love her.” Angel laid back down, his eyes closing.

Before long, Angel’s soft snores indicated to you all he was asleep. Coco looked at you as you looked at Angel, confused as always as to why he had to come to you whenever he was drunk. They’ve tried asking him, both Coco and Gilly, and whenever you saw him in the morning, you just gave him coffee and chose not to talk to him. He tried to make small talk with you, but you didn’t entertain it.

Angel chose to break up with you two years ago, your year and a half relationship down the drain. You didn’t fight him when he ended your relationship. You accepted it and attempted to move on. 

Problem was, Angel didn’t let you go. His presence was still felt even though you didn’t see him. Then three months after your breakup, the drunken visits came. At times, he would talk to you when he would come drunk, but you chose to ignore it and just took care of him.

You wanted to turn him away, but you love Angel. It was hard not to do so. Whenever you would think you had the courage to turn him away, you would let him back in your bed just so you could hold him. It was unfair to you, you wanted to move on, yet, when you had the chance to hold him, you never passed it up. You were addicted and you would break the habit eventually, but Angel was just, well, he was Angel. 

“Y/N, we can take him home if you want.” Coco hated doing this to you. He was there from the beginning and he didn’t want to keep dragging you back in Angel’s life. He knew how hard you were trying to move on, but it seemed like Angel held on.

“No, it’s okay Coco, just let him sleep.” You pushed your glasses up the bridge of your nose, sighing as you draped a throw blanket over Angel. 

“We can stay if you want.” Gilly offered. Much like Coco, he felt for you. You were a sweet girl, always nice to the boys and never made a fuss when Angel chose to break dates to hang out with them. For him, you were the ideal girl, you were reasonable, beautiful, and a hell of a cook. When Angel broke up with you, they planned to keep in touch, bug you every once in a while for dinner. But then they realized, Angel had no plans of letting you go either. 

You chuckled and shook your head. “It’s fine, I’m sure you guys want a break from this guy.”

“We do, we really do.” Gilly agreed. “But we want to be here for you too, why did we bring him here man?”

“You gonna try to argue with Angel? He’s fucking unreasonable when he’s sober, it’s another thing when Don Quixote over here is drunk.” Coco shook his head. “If you need anything, just call me.”

“Call us.”

You nodded your head. You gave the two Mayans a hug before closing the door behind them. When you turned back, you gasped when you found Angel standing.

“Let’s go sleep?” His eyes were opening and closing and he was slightly swaying. You took one of his arms and led him to your room.

This was how it always ended. Regardless if you put Angel in your guest bedroom or the couch, he always ended in your bed. 

You assisted him on your bed, going back to close your door. Angel took off his clothes, leaving him in just his boxers. “I love you.”

Your heart clenched hearing him say that. He always told you he loves you. Without a fail, he always did, when he was visiting you intoxicated. Yet, you never felt it, especially with the way things ended. And he never said it when you were together. You did, and that’s when things went downhill for you two. Holding on to the doorknob, you tried to stop the tears from coming. Angel was watching you, waiting for you to come join him on your bed. He just wanted to hold you. 

“You coming?”

You nodded your head and went to your side of the bed as Angel scooted up to his. Moving the blanket, you two settled under the blanket and Angel pulled you flush against him. He caressed your face, before leaving a kiss on your forehead.

Looking up at him, he was looking down at you, he was caressing your face again.

“What a pretty sight.” He sighed.

Your head rested on his chest and you eventually heard his breathing even out. You’re not sure how much more you could take of this. 

You had to move on.

It was time.

The next morning, you hoped it’s one of the days that Angel left while you were asleep. And he did, which you were thankful for. It was always awkward when Angel was still here when you woke up. Rolling over to the side, you sat up, slipping your glasses back on. Yawning, you checked your phone and had a few messages from Coco and Gilly, one from EZ.

Choosing to reply later, you placed your phone back on your dresser and stood up. Stretching as you let out a yawn, you walked out of your room and froze when you heard movement in your kitchen. Rushing back in your room to get the bat you had for protection, you made your way back towards the kitchen, peaking in and found Angel. You contemplated pretending to go back to sleep, but Angel’s voice stopped you.

“Don’t even think about pretending to go back to sleep, I made you breakfast and you have work in an hour and a half.” Angel called out.

You sighed. Placing your bat at its spot in your room, you go to the kitchen and found Angel making a plate. He handed you the plate and you murmured a thank you. Sitting at the dining table, you made sure to sit on the other side since the two chairs beside you were full of presents you have yet to wrap for Christmas. You still had time, but your dining table was basically full.

Angel smirked when he saw where you were situated. You acted as if he wasn’t with you for four years. He placed his plate down at the other end of the table. Moving your stuff to your coffee table, you opened your mouth to protest, but Angel already placed the presents down.

“You don’t have to move them, there’s plenty of room.” You protested.

“Away from you, yes. But I want to sit next to you.” Angel moved his plate and sat beside you. He shot you a smile before picking up his fork. “Come on, eat up.”

“Angel, this really isn’t necessary. I can just grab something on my way to work.” You didn’t like spending time with Angel, especially in this way since it still struck a chord with you. The familiarity of it was a painful memory of what was let go two years ago. 

“It would be rude for you to not eat after I made your favorite.” Angel knew you couldn’t resist a good omelette filled with spinach, bacon, sausage and cheese. “Please, let me do this for you, you did me a solid, again.”

Picking up your fork, you began eating. Letting the silence enveloped between you two. This was better. You didn’t want to talk to Angel. You didn’t want any thank you’s or apologies, you just wanted him to go so you could pretend that the other didn’t exist again.

Angel watched as you ate, keeping your eyes on your food. He hated how he did this to you, how you couldn’t even look at him. Every time he became highly intoxicated, Angel refused to go anywhere but your place, since it’s when he needed you most. Angel hardly drank himself to a stupor, but when he did, he was mostly troubled and was trying to forget the issues that were weighing heavily on him. Even though it’s been two years, you were one of those issues. He saw you around town often and it hurt him whenever he did. You were so close yet so far away. He knew that Coco and Gilly hang out with you every once in a while. Every day, it was a struggle for him to not see you, talk to you, hold you and be with you. 

So he came up with this ridiculous plan after you accepted him into your home one night after he got drunk. 

Whenever missing you became too unbearable, he got wasted and refused to go anywhere but your place. He was always aware enough to know he would be brought to you. And once he was with you, you would take care of him. He felt somewhat bad, but he didn’t know how else to approach you.

“Are you busy tonight?” Angel broke the silence between you two.

“What?” You had to make sure you heard him correctly. Looking over at Angel, he was waiting for you to reply. “I have a dinner thing.” A lie, and you were almost sure Angel could see right through it, but you didn’t want to think that. You could pull this off.

“A dinner thing?” Angel raised an eyebrow, amused by your choice of words. “Sounds like a fake thing.”

“Doesn’t matter to me if you believe me or not, I have plans.” You had finished your food. Picking up your plate, you placed it in the sink and turned to face Angel who was still sitting down. “Don’t worry about the dishes, I can do them. Also, I’m not really sure why you always decide to keep coming to my place when you get drunk, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t come here anymore.” Your best friend, Marie had advised you to create boundaries, to tell Angel that you no longer want him coming over whenever he was intoxicated. 

That it was time for you both to stay away from one another like you intended to do so when he broke up with you.

“Querida.” Angel stood up, but you shook your head, holding your hand up.

“You wanted to break up, we’re done Angel. As much as I want to be there for you, I can’t keep doing this and hurting myself. You chose to let me go, so go.” You left the kitchen and entered your room, locking the door. 

Angel watched as you walked away, telling himself to run after you, but he couldn’t. He’ll let you walk away for now, but after you put such a decisive end to this whole thing, he couldn’t just let go. It may be selfish, but living without you for the past two years further opened his eyes.

He wanted to be with you and just you. 

It’s always been you.

=================

A month without any incident with Angel. You're glad he has finally decided to leave you alone. Coco had texted you a few times expressing that he was proud of you about putting your foot down with Angel. EZ has been frequenting the library more as of late, and he’s either had Marie with him, his girlfriend, or he came by himself. 

A new year and new decade ushered in a new era for you.

You caught EZ coming in, a smile appearing on your face.

“We got that book you’ve been waiting for, I saved you the copy since it was the only copy we got.” You grabbed the book and handed it over to him.

“Thanks Y/N.” He looked around. “Um, did Coco come? Or any other Mayan?”

“No,” you gave him a confused look. “You’re the only Mayan that comes during business hours. The others usually come when the library is closed waiting for me to make sure I made it home safely when I was still dating Angel.” 

EZ opened his mouth to apologize but you held your hand up.

“Ezekiel, I’m not fragile, it’s fine to mention your brother.” You laughed lightheartedly to lighten the mood. You knew EZ tried his best not to mention his older brother. “So you and Marie are getting serious?”

“Something like that,” the sheepish smile on Ezekiel’s face made you want to pinch his cheeks. “Just put a good word for me.”

“A good word? My best friend hates hanging out at the library with me, yet, she comes here to what? Watch you read?” You loved teasing Ezekiel. You were glad when he got out of prison, the way everything turned out for him, it was awful but you were grateful he was getting another chance at life. “You should at least take her out on a date.”

“Look, don’t judge me, I just got out of prison.”

“It’s been two years.”

“Alright, fine, Marie is just intimidating. One day she seems impressed with me, the next she’s not into it.”

“I think you’re reading too much into the situation. You two have been talking for four months now and you still haven’t asked her out. Marie is simple, start with the movies.” You suggested. 

“That’s fucking lame though.”

“Okay Netflix.”

“How about the fair? You and Angel can be like our chaperone.” EZ was trying to help Angel, soften you up some, but you were pretty good at blocking EZ’s charm. 

You looked at EZ for a moment, a small laugh escaping your lips. “Nice try.”

EZ smiled and took the book to his usual corner at the library. You knew your best friend would be bursting through the door in the next thirty minutes. Marie and EZ have been playing the flirting game for the last year and have been officially talking for the last four months. It was cute and you were happy that Marie found EZ and vice versa.

You got on the computer, trying to organize the library website like you promised your boss that you would do. The door opened and you expected the usual coffee Marie brought you.

“I feel like I should start requesting for a pastry since you two use my library as your hangout spot.” You teased. “I’m glad you’re here, coffee will help me through the rest of my shift.”

“I didn’t bring coffee querida, but I can run and get you some.”

You froze. That wasn’t Marie’s voice. Looking up, you found Angel with his staple kutte on his back along with a navy blue button up. His body has changed over the last two years, his muscles were more prominent. You weren’t blind, you could appreciate Angel taking care of his body.

“Can I help you?” The professional tone killed Angel, but he was determined to break through that.

“Came to check out a book, maybe you can help me?” Angel leaned against the countertop of the kiosk desk. His scent hit you and it made you want to smack him. How dare this man? You wanted to move on, and you’ve been doing so well. 

“I didn’t know you could read.”

“You know that’s a lie, I used to read to you while I fucked you.”

“Angel.” You hissed out his name, not wanting to yell.

Angel chuckled at your reaction. “Is it not true?”

“Listen, loitering is not allowed here.”

“That’s literally what everyone does around here.” Angel looked over at EZ and he shot his baby brother a smirk. “Well, I was looking for Stanford, I’ll be seeing you.”

You chose not to reply, saying ‘yeah right’ in your head. Marie walked in coffee and a box of Krispy Kreme in hand. The sigh of relief you let out was definitely noticed by her and her eyes immediately roamed the library to see if your creepy admirer was around, but instead she found EZ and Angel.

“Never pegged Angel as a library type of guy.” She placed your drink on the countertop. 

“He actually loves poetry, he really likes the European writers, British novels mostly Pride and Prejudice, Frankenstein, Jane Eyre, Shakespeare.” You mouthed off Angel’s interest which never surprised Marie. When you love someone, you made it a mission to know that person, so you would know their ins and outs. You become invested in any relationship you forge since you rarely make friends as it was. It wasn’t about quantity, it was all about quality for you. A hard lesson you learned over the years. “He’s a big fan of Scarlet Letter and Invisible Man. But he really likes poetry from all generations, when we were still together, I got him a few poetry books from a few authors he liked.” You paused, realizing the tangent you went on. It wasn’t uncommon whenever you spoke about Angel. 

Marie enjoyed it because she got to learn about her old obnoxious neighbor that never deserved her best friend. You met Angel through Marie and in some ways, she regretted letting it happen, but when she saw how happy you were, how could she be so opposed? Even with knowing Angel’s history, she had faith. But then Angel decided that the single life was more of a life for him, something you never knew about. You never wanted to know about it and she didn’t push you.

“It’s okay, I love your tangents, even if they’re about that asshat.” Marie rolled her eyes. “So, have you given any thought of going on a date with Tyler?”

“You mean your co-worker you always refer to as a man slut?” 

“Bitch, we’re trying to get the pussy wet, not a serious relationship.” 

“That’s a no.” 

You and Marie jumped, not expecting to hear Angel’s voice.

“Where did you even come from?”

“You setting her up?” Angel ignored Marie’s question. He was going to bug you for the name of that author you always raved about when you two were together, but he became intrigued when he caught the tail end of your tangent about his interests. It was endearing for him to hear that you still knew so much about him, but his mood soured when he heard Marie trying to set you up. “Tyler, the douche that always gets drunk out of his mind at the clubhouse?”

“Again, just trying to get her dry spell to end.”

“I volunteer.” Angel smirked.

“Not interested.” You replied as you turned to face Angel. “We talked about this, please, just respect my wishes. I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“Hate to break it to you querida, the library is public property, unless I’m disrupting the peace, I have every right to be here as much as you do.” Angel placed his chin on his hand, smiling sweetly at you. 

You grabbed the coffee and the box of donuts. “I’m going to take my break.” 

Your co-worker, Sienna took over the kiosk desk, Marie making her way over to Marie. She knew you needed some alone time. As she passed Angel, she patted his back.

“Give her space, don’t push it.” 

Angel wasted enough time. He knew you. It’s not that you didn’t want to be around him, you were just protecting your heart. He gave you five minutes before he followed after you, finding the trunk of your Toyota RAV4 opened. Walking over to you, he opened his mouth to speak, you beat him to it.

“Eugene, please, I’m on my break, I would appreciate it if you didn’t follow me.” Your day was starting to become shit since seeing Angel helped you realize that you weren’t over him. It’s been two years but due to his drunken escapades, it was hard for you to move on. 

“Who the fuck is Eugene?”

“No one.” You didn’t want to tell Angel about Eugene. It’s not like he would care, but you haven’t exactly told Angel about how your kindness to Eugene went from endearing to him becoming obsessive. “Can I help you?”

“I was going to take a smoke break then I saw your trunk open.” Angel shrugged, taking note of the name Eugene so he could ask Marie later. “Can I join you?”

“No, I’m done.” You closed the box of donut, picking up your drink as you stood up. 

“Come on, throw me a bone here. Can you give me a chance to explain?”

“Explain what exactly? Why you broke up with me? Why you kept me in your back pocket by being your go to house when you're drunk?”

“You gonna let me explain or are you gonna continue interrupting me?”

“I don’t care what you do, just please stay away from me. You’ve made your stance very clear two years ago. I don’t care why you came to me while you’re drunk, but it doesn’t matter. Don’t come to my job, don’t come to my apartment, just please stay away from me.”

“You don’t mean that.” Angel frowned. He didn’t expect things to go like this. Maybe he was an asshole or an idiot, but he expected you to welcome him with open arms.

“I do, I want to move on, build new relationships and be happy. I didn’t break your heart, I didn’t hurt you, if you don’t love me that’s fine. If you feel bad for what happened, you’re good, you’re forgiven.” You pressed the button that automatically closed your car. “I’m suffocating right? I’m too nice right? Then leave me alone.”

“You really just gonna walk away?”

You were about to answer Angel when you heard a familiar voice call out your name. Looking to where you heard the voice, you saw Jay, your ex-boyfriend. Angel cussed under his breath when he saw him. Jay was a sore subject for Angel. You two rarely spoke about Jay and it was mostly due to the fact that Angel never brought him up. When you did bring up Jay, it was a rare occurrence. It’s not that Angel didn’t care about your ex-boyfriend, in fact, he cared too much. Too many times he’s heard people spoke about how epic you and Jay were together. The perfect couple that would have stayed together if you decided to go with Jay to Germany. 

“Jay?” You hopped out of your trunk and was in disbelief. Jay, from what you knew, was still in Berlin, and wouldn’t be back for another three years. You kept in touch with him since you had a quite amicable break-up.

You two had dated for eight years before you two eventually parted ways. High school sweethearts, intended to last forever, but forever wasn’t a thing. You two broke up amicably and remained friends. It was hard not to be friends with a person you spent eight years of your life with. 

It was your ex-boyfriend. 

He couldn’t forget his name, he knew everything about the fucking guy. The first love, the one you would always love, that was the cliche, right? He remembered that he briefly met Jay before he left for Berlin once again. He was bringing you home after a catch up dinner with other friends and he saw just how your smile shone brightly around him. Jay was looking down at you, returning your smile as you animatedly spoke to him about something. You turned to face Angel and what he missed was how your smile changed, it was that smile specifically for your Angel. You had made your way towards him, wrapping your arms around him. Jay first met Angel then and much to your surprise, Jay took a liking to Angel, especially since he was a big fan of his Harley. Angel didn’t show much interest towards Jay, but you knew it bugged your then boyfriend how close you were to Jay.

Angel was not friends with any of his exes, but he also wasn’t with them for a long amount of time. If anything, you were his longest relationship. And seeing you react the way you did with Jay, he regretted it further that he let you go.

“Eugene is still coming here? You told me you handled that.” Jay was annoyed, you told him that you handled your too friendly library consumer. Jay stood at 6’4, 210 pounds, the Marines shaped him well. 

You looked at Angel and Jay did as well. 

“If you’re going to bother her when you’re drunk, you should at least get rid of her stalker.” Jay didn’t have a problem with Angel, but he knew Angel had a problem with him. He could see it when they first met. He couldn’t blame him, he rarely knew of exes that were friends, but Jay couldn’t exactly let you go. 

You two grew up together, you knew him best.

“Excuse me? Who the fuck do you think you are?” You saw how quickly Angel’s face turned sour and you knew you could have a fight in your hands.

“Aright, let’s not do anything crazy.” You got in between them, with you facing Angel. “We’re done.”

You locked your car before making your way inside the library once again, dragging Jay with you, and leaving Angel to his own devices. The broken look on your face, he wanted to take that away, especially since he caused it. He loves you, he really did, he was just an idiot. 

The fact that Jay was seemingly back in town, Angel had to make a move. 

And you should know better, Angel was anything but a quitter.

=================

Angel walked in the library and found you talking to one of your co-workers. He saw her nudge you and your eyes met. Quickly you looked away, shushing your co-worker. Angel took his usual spot opening the book he had borrowed earlier in the week. You weren’t surprised Angel burned through books, people counted him out due to his affiliates, but you knew better than to judge a book by its cover.

Jay hasn’t been back since he saw him two weeks prior. Angel frequented the library and never saw a sign of him. 

“You look beautiful Y/N.” Eugene, a regular at the library, complimented you. What started off as you being kind, feeling bad for a man who appeared to be a loner, was starting to make you feel uneasy. For the last three years, he progressively became bolder and you could tell that he was getting to the point where aggressive behavior was going to come out. Regardless of how nice you were, you always made sure he knew that you two were friends.

“Thank you Eugene.” You faked this small smile on your lips, but you didn’t want to provoke him. Sienna stayed beside you, she was more straightforward and had no problem telling Eugene to fuck off.

“Have you thought of my invitation for dinner tonight? My mother would love to meet you? I speak about you often with her.” The uneasiness at the pit of your stomach was unexplainable and Angel noticed the change on your face.

Sienna looked at you, her eyes slightly widening. She’s had enough of Eugene. It was small talk at first, but as of late, the man was beginning to be more bold. Starting with grabbing a drink or coffee, it evolved to having dinner at his place. You never entertained the idea and always let him down, but he wasn’t understanding.

“I’m sorry Eugene, I don’t think it’s a good idea.” 

“Why not?” You saw how his face slightly scrunched up, his voice slightly raising. A few of the library patrons looked over before going back to their book. “Stop being such a tease and just go to my place.”

Both you and Sienna were appalled by his suggestion. You never teased him. 

“Excuse me? I’ve never done such a thing.”

“Oh please, with the skirts and dresses you wear, how do you expect anyone to not be teased by your clothing. Mother is right, you’re a slut, but no mind, I can repent you.”

Angel heard enough. You saw him from the corner of your eye. 

“Call security, I’ll handle Angel.” You walked out of the kiosk and intercepted Angel. 

“Let go of me, he’s not going to get away speaking to you like that.” The restrained tone in Angel’s voice made you nervous for Eugene. 

“Please, Angel.” The way you whispered his name with a plea, it made Angel sigh deeply, his tongue darting out to wet his lips as he looked up at the ceiling. 

“Make sure he’s gone when we get back.” He instructed Sienna. You led him to the restricted area of the library which was situated at the back. Older books or original versions of books were kept here, with only employees having access and at times guests who were accompanied by employees. 

When you two were all the way at the back of the restricted area, you leaned against one of the bookshelves as Angel paced back and forth in front of you.

“How long has he been harassing you?” Angel questioned, continuing his pace.

“Angel.”

“How. Long.” He let out through gritted teeth. There was no argument. He let you take him away, you owed him this.

 You didn’t want to tell Angel, it didn’t matter anyway. All you knew was that you had to take care of this, he was making your anxiety spike up. “Three years.” 

“Three years?!” Angel’s voice echoed throughout the library. 

“Angel.” You hissed, keeping your voice low.

“Are you fucking kidding me? And you never told me?” Angel didn’t heed your warning. He was livid. How could you not tell him, especially while you two were together?

“Eugene is harmless.” He shot you a look and you sighed. “He was harmless.” You amended your statement. “Angel, please, it’s okay.”

“No the fuck is not, the way he spoke to you?” Angel felt his temper rise again. Fuck security, he would beat the idea in to Eugene that he was to never breathe the same air as you again. “Wait, Jay knew? And you didn’t tell me?”

You cussed under your breath. You accidentally told Jay about Eugene. He was FaceTiming you when Eugene came in after hours. You were able to shoo him away since Jay was on the phone. You never even thought of telling Angel, you didn’t want Angel to make a big deal out of it and you honestly thought you were reading too much into it. 

“I,” you sighed. “It wasn’t on purpose. Jay was FaceTiming me when Eugene walked in after hours.” 

“Did you have him pretend to be your boyfriend?” Angel knew he was being unreasonable, but it irked him that your ex-boyfriend knew about your stalker and he didn’t. He was the one who was in Santo Padre. He was the one who could deal with it. 

“No, Angel, it was years ago.”

“My fucking point exactly, it’s been years and you never told me. I was your boyfriend then, not him. How could you not tell me?”

“I don’t know, it was harmless, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of nothing.”

“Out of nothing?” Angel exclaimed, shaking his head at your ridiculousness. “We’re gonna fucking talk after this, this should have never been an issue.”

Before he could leave, you blocked his way.

“Move.”

You shook your head. 

“Don’t act like I can’t just lift you out of the way.” 

You weren’t exactly the lightest, and hardly looked like any of Angel’s previous girlfriends. You had meat on your bones and some people may poke fun at your weight, but Angel always made you feel like a queen. He loved your curves, kissed and worshipped every part of your body. Well until he broke up with you.

“Angel, please, just stay with me.” You wrapped your arms around him and he wrapped his arms around you.

“No, he’ll never learn his lesson unless,” 

You cut Angel off by bringing his lips down to yours. Whenever Angel became irritated or upset, small touches or kisses from you would always calm his anger. You took a chance knowing Angel doesn’t exactly want you anymore, so you’re not sure what this would do for the situation, but you had to try. Angel immediately responded to your kiss, his hands cupping your face. One of his hands slid down to your neck, slightly moving you so you were against the bookshelves. His hand moved down, brushing against your breast causing you to moan. Angel’s tongue slipped in, deepening your kiss. He pressed you against the shelf, pulling away and pressing his forehead against yours. The anger that had overtook his body was gone, and was now replaced for a burning desire for you.

“You still taste so good.” Angel kissed you again, your back arching so your front was pressed against his front. One of his hands was sliding under your skirt, causing you to pull away.

“No Angel.” You shook your head, moving away from him to fix yourself. 

Angel groaned, his dick was hard and he was at a library with no means of relieving it. He thought of anything that could help his erection to go away, his third grade teacher who was horrific to him did the trick. Turning to face you, he found you looking around before you took his hand and led him further down the restricted area of the Santo Padre library. It was an old library, built by the Spaniards when they were doing their missions along California. Bringing him to the last row where you knew there was an entrance to the inventory the library had for the restricted section. You knew no one ever went in there till closing. You didn’t want Angel to do anything to you, but you could definitely help alleviate some of his anger. 

“Querida, where the fuck are we?” Angel looked around and the shelves were against the walls, a few shelves were in the middle of the room, otherwise, there were books everywhere. You led him to a desk that Sienna used to organize the unlabeled books. You pushed Angel down onto the office chair. He watched as you sunk to your knees, your eyes focused on unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his jeans. “Hey, you don’t have to do this.”

“I know, but I want to.” You lifted your eyes to meet his and the softness in his eyes was such a stark contrast from earlier where they were dark, anger obviously apparent. Now, it was adoration and lust that clouded his iris. You tugged on his jeans, which Angel assisted you with, lifting himself up so you could pull down his jeans and boxers. Smirking, you wrapped your hand around his semi-hard cock, using some of his pre-cum to help your hand glide down with ease. Angel groaned, leaning his head back. It was his weakness, watching your beautiful lips around his cock, trying to take in as much of his cock, he was a goner whenever you did that. The way your eyes would water, your cheeks hallowed, your mouth full of him, the image alone could make him cum. But he always held back, letting himself enjoy you. 

“Fuck, look at you mi sol,” he watched as you spat down on his cock, holding his thick member with one hand. Placing a kiss on the tip of his cock, you looked up at Angel as you opened your mouth to take him in. Just as he taught you, you took Angel until you could not take any of him anymore, moving your head back up, his cock sheath with your saliva. You took him in your mouth once more, Angel gathering your hair in one hand. He loved your eyes on him. Those hooded eyes under those thick black rimmed glasses of yours. You move your mouth up and down his cock, hollowing your cheeks and swallowing around him whenever his tip reaches your gag reflex. You let go of him with a pop, your hand replacing your mouth. “That’s right baby, take your dick and let me fuck that pretty mouth of yours.” Angel tried not to lose himself with you, but any part of you that was connected always felt so good for him. He didn’t know what it was but everything he did with you was a hundred times more intense when compared to others.

Placing two hands on his cock, you had your mouth on the tip of his cock, running your tongue over and over again over Angel’s sensitive cock. He moaned out your name, gripping your hair tighter. You were licking his cock like it was a tootsie roll lollipop and you were trying to get to the center. You moved so that your tongue was moving up and down his shaft, getting to the top and engulfing his tip with your mouth. Angel groaned, throwing his head back, licking his lips as you continued to bob your head up and down. His hand assisted you, the tip of his cock hitting the back of your throat, swallowing around it.

“Holy fuck princesa, keep going I’m about to cum.” Angel moaned. “You want me to cum in your mouth baby? You gonna swallow daddy’s cum?”

You chose not to answer and continued your ministrations. Just as you felt Angel’s cock pulsing in your mouth, you pulled away, placing a kiss on his cock. Angel slammed his hand on the desk, grabbing your hair. 

“You really want to play with daddy?” His face was so close to you, your hand still around his cock. You tightened your hold, moving your hand up and down causing Angel to close his eyes. He moaned out your name, further dampening your panties. “Put your mouth back on my cock so I can fuck that pretty little mouth of yours.” 

You followed Angel’s instructions, taking him back in your mouth. Angel began to thrust up in your mouth, tears forming in your eyes as he moved in and out of your mouth. Your hands rested on Angel’s thighs, your nails digging into his skin. He chanted your name before he came in your mouth, holding your head against him. You swallowed some of his cum, keeping some of it in your mouth. He let go of your hair, saying how much of a good girl you were for swallowing daddy’s cum. His cock was still semi-erect and you smirked, dropping some of his cum on his cock, making Angel groan as he felt himself hardened again at the sight of you using his cum as lubrication, moving your hand up and down once again. 

“God, my dirty little librarian.” Angel always fantasized doing numerous things with you in the library. You weren’t opposed to it, but Angel hardly came to pick you up from your work. And now, Angel regretted that.

You placed a sweet little kiss at the tip of his cock before you stood up. 

“Stay here, I’ll get you some paper towels.” He grabbed your hand, pulling you towards him.

“Let me make you feel good.” Angel smirked when he saw your breast just calling to him. You balanced yourself on the arm rest of the arm chair. Your dress was sinful since it was this black cami dress that you usually wore a cardigan with. He knew without that cardigan, all those fuckers that pretend to go to the library for books would be staring straight at your ample breast. And even though you were wearing leggings under, the imagination was running wild. “Where the fuck is your cardigan?” He hated how your breasts were just out in the open, even though your dress did cover your cleavage well, Angel had fucked you too many times in this dress, pulling the top down, watching as your breast bounced up and down as he fucked you.

“No, it’s okay, I just wanted to make you feel good.” In reality, you were ashamed you let this happen. For two years, you did nothing with Angel besides cuddling and now you not only kissed him but you gave him a blowjob. The only reason you did it was because seeing how protective he became over you, it made your heart melt. “I left it on my chair.” You bit back a moan as Angel grabbed your breast.

“What did daddy say about this dress?” He pushed one of your straps down, licking his lips as his eyes focused on your beautiful skin, calling him to mark it. 

“Angel,” you whimpered as he pulled a part of your dress down, your naked breast immediately greeting him. 

“Where the fuck is your bra?”

“It has a built in one.” 

Angel wrapped his hand around your throat, making you look at him. He growled, squeezing your breast, taking your nipples in between his fingers.

“I’m gonna ask you one more fucking time, what did daddy say about this dress.”

“Not to wear it unless you’re with me.” You gave in and you couldn’t even be angry. Angel was doing a number on you. But you had to snap out of it, pleasuring him was one thing, but you didn’t want to go back there with Angel. “But we’re no longer together.” You moved away, fixing yourself. You were so wet, but you couldn’t give in to Angel.

“I can change that.”

“I’ll meet you at the kiosk desk.”

When Angel eventually joined you at the kiosk desk, you were surprised when he sat right beside you. Sienna threw you a smirk before finishing a few things around the library since you were set to close in forty-five minutes. Eugene was escorted off of the property, but you knew he would be back. You should really be more stern with Eugene, but at the same time you knew he found solace in the library since it was his time away from his mother. 

You were organizing a few things at your desk, trying your best to avoid Angel and making yourself look busy. His eyes were on you, you could feel them. 

“We’re closing soon, you should go.” Boundaries, you shouted that in your head. Boundaries. You had to set up boundaries or you would be in this endless loop with Angel. There was no future between you two, there was no point of prolonging the inevitable.

“I’ll wait just in case he’s waiting for you outside.” Angel’s voice was strained. You knew he was upset about your comment earlier.

“He won’t be, this isn’t some crime drama.” You tried to lighten the mood, but that seemed to upset Angel further. “I’ll be safe, I promise.”

He leaned in, so only you could hear his words. “Stop it, I’m not leaving you, I’m going to make sure you’re fucking safe. You chose to hide this from me for years and now that I’m in the know, you’re not going to be a fucking statistic.” He took the cardigan that was resting on your chair, and placed it over you. “Wear your fucking cardigan. You think just because we’re not together you’re no longer mine?” Angel chuckled. “You’ll always be mine, you can fight it all you want, but you shouldn’t fight the inevitable.”

“I’m not yours, there’s no fighting anything. We’re not together and it’ll remain that way.” You moved away from him, focusing your eyes on the computer in front of you once more.

The library was finally closed and as Angel promised, he remained by your side. You stood up gathering your things and you saw Sienna making her way towards the door.

“Hey! Are we still meeting at that new Thai place?” 

Sienna was about to confirm your plans when Angel shook his head behind you. She refrained from smiling and shook her head.

“Sorry babe, my man just texted me. He’s having some technical difficulties at home. Rain check?” 

“Sure.” You smiled and waved her goodbye. You could feel Angel behind you, his heat was just radiating. “Hey, so, I have to do inventory. You can sweep the parking lot to see if he’s there, but otherwise, we’re good. Thanks again for standing up for me.” You didn’t want to face Angel, you were nervous about what you would see. Resisting Angel was difficult and you just had so much willpower left. You never felt your dry spell, it never bothered you, until today. Now you really had to get laid.

You felt Angel box you in, his front against your back. You felt his hot breath against your skin. “Are the cameras on?”

“Huh?” Being in such close proximity to Angel, you wanted to close your eyes, bask in the feeling, but you have to set up boundaries. 

“Are the cameras on?” Angel repeated his question.

“No, Sienna turns them off, only the outside cameras are on.” 

“Good.” Angel placed his hand on your breast, grabbing it through your dress. Placing your hand on top of his, you incidentally intertwined your hands, with your hand on top of his as his other hand slid down your dress starting from your chest down to your abdomen and under your dress, pulling down your leggings. You felt him smile against your ear when he felt just how dampen your panties were. “You’re so wet, is this all for daddy?” 

You whimpered when you felt Angel press against your clothed pearl. He squeezed your breast making you let out another whimper. “I didn’t hear an answer.”

“Yes daddy.” Your other hand grabbed Angel’s before he could move your underwear to the side. “Angel, let’s not do this.” Your mind screamed boundaries while your heart said fuck it. 

“Why baby, you let someone else touch my pussy?” Angel swatted your hand, slipping his fingers under your panties. “I’m gonna make you feel so good, stretch out this pussy.”

Your phone began to ring and you immediately grabbed it. It was Jay, your ex-boyfriend. Angel saw the name and growled out your name. 

“If you answer, I’m gonna make sure to make you come while he’s talking to you.” Jay was a sore spot for Angel. He was your high school sweetheart. The one that supposedly got away. Fuck that, Angel refused to acknowledge that. Jay was a part of your past, one he never wanted to address since he made him feel even more insecure about your relationship. 

Angel ran a finger up and down your slit, slipping it past your entrance shallowly, moving his finger tip in and out. It was just enough for you to feel him, but not enough.

You let your phone ring, focused on the sensations or lack thereof that Angel was providing.

“You want my finger all the way, so you can feel my rings against that pussy?”

You nodded your head, loving the feel of Angel’s hand against yours. His hands were always so fucking big, it made yours feel small.

“Naw, I know you got a voice,” he kissed your ear, nipping at it. “Fucking use it.”

“Yes, please daddy.” You begged.

Angel chuckled lowly and slipped his finger further in, adding a second finger. “Tight as always, no one touched you baby?” His thumb landed on your throbbing pearl, tapping it.

“No daddy, just me.” You didn’t want to disclose with Angel that Marie’s words were true about your dry spell. You felt him add a third finger and you threw your head back, your head landing on Angel’s shoulder. 

Angel wrapped a hand on your throat, chastely kissing your cheek. He kept his lips on your cheek, his breath against your skin further turning you on. 

“Did you use that toy I got you?” He questioned. He was rubbing his clothes erection against your back, the friction was amazing, but you knew it would be so much better when it was his bare skin against yours.

“Yes daddy, I did.” You were clenching Angel’s fingers, his fingers tightening around your throat. 

Just as Angel was about to unzip his jeans to slide on home, the door opened. You tried to move away from Angel, but all he did was fix your dress and kept you pressed against him. Jay looked at you, the swollen lips, the disheveled state and the smug look on Angel’s face gave it away. 

“Was I interrupting?” Jay questioned, walking further inside the library.

“No.” 

“Yes.”

You and Angel answered at the same time. He looked down at you, but you kept your eyes on Jay.

“You said you wouldn’t be back till next week.” You really wished Jay didn’t come, but at the same time you were glad he came. You were going to cave to Angel and that was the last thing you wanted to do.

“I decided to surprise you.” Jay leaned against the kiosk desk once he arrived, smirking. “You could have continued Reyes, I don’t mind watching.” The smugness on Jay’s face irritated Angel. 

You sighed and pushed Angel out of the kiosk desk. “Go home Angel.”

“I’m not leaving you with this guy.” Angel stood his ground. Jay wasn’t your man, and he never would be again. 

“She’s safe with me, go back to your little club, fix bikes, fuck bitches, and sell drugs.” Jay knew what the Mayans were, he’s had his fair share of run ins with them over the years. He was friends with Neron, a gym buddy of his you could say and he served time with Johnny in the Marines. 

“Jay!” You hissed.

Angel just smirked and shook his head. Jay wasn’t worth it, not yet at least.

“I’ll see you later querida.” He brushed past Jay. It took every fiber in his body to not knock him out.

There was a time and place.

His main goal right now was to get you back. You two had plenty to talk about and Angel planned on discussing things with you. He wasn’t going to let Jay weasel his way back in, especially since he may never let you go again.

Angel understood he fucked up.

He made a hasty decision.

But, it was a new year.

It’s 2020. 

A brand new decade. 

Your past grievances could be left behind in 2019.

Valentine’s Day was around the corner and he was determined to spend it with you.

Angel was more determined to win you back. That kiss, he knew he wasn’t the only one who felt that undeniable spark between you two. And the sexual encounters you two just had, it left Angel wanting more, as he always had.

But he had to take care of Eugene and then Jay.

=================

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[mrsgiovanna]

Between the devil and the deep blue sea (Yakuza!Josuke x Reader x Don Giorno)

If you're looking for cinnamon bun Josuke and cinnamon roll Giorno this is NOT it. The reader is a courtesan in this instance, and the Duwang gang (heh) are actually a branch of the Yakuza. (Just a darker, criminal Jojo AU)

This request took way too long, @rubyninja1 here you go love, I hope this is what you were envisioning.

All characters are aged up as this occurs many years after Giorno becomes Don.

TW: Very OOC, yandere behavior if you squint, yakuza x mafia au, suggestive content.

Word Count: 1.7k

Minors please DNI with this post and block the n/sfw tag

You stared at your reflection in the misty mirror, wiping off the steam in one swipe. You had a very important engagement to get ready for, and for the first time since you entered this business, you were nervous. Ever since Giorno became the Don of Passione, the drug trade came to a grinding halt. The rules were adapted to suit his ideals and keep Italy’s youth safe from drugs. But there remained one problem- the activities of the former execution squad… at the best of times, the income brought in was meagre, not really being enough to support all of the assassins, and with the new regime, even those jobs had all but dried up. You had to get creative to generate a livable income, and after many conversations and playing to the Don’s affections for you, you were able to persuade him to allow you and an elite group of escorts to run your business while still being under the protection of Passione.

Under normal circumstances, Giorno would not have allowed you to do something like this, but you had asked him to give you just one month to prove that you would be able to protect yourself while doing the line of work you had proposed, him hoping silently that you would grow tired of that life in favor of a more mundane activity, however, in that short amount of time, not only had you established your business, but you had become the most requested companion, which meant you could accept and deny requests at will- suddenly money was no longer your motivation. It was an intoxicating feeling… being that desired, it was altogether euphoric watching them crumble at your sweet rejections. It was fair game for any man, deciding your rules according to your latest whims, although, one man was above all of those games, being in a superior league all on his own. There was no waiting, or appraising when your presence was requested by Don Giovanna. Most times he would request for you to entertain his associates, close to him so he could keep an eye on you- one of many guardians that you had collected over the years.

Moving into your adjoining room you put on the beautiful silken embroidered outfit and hair ornaments sent to you by Giorno- tonight was a special night as the Don wasn’t just hosting any old Mafiosi, these guests were his esteemed associates from Japan. Over and above the usual treatment doled out to those who met with the don, this visit was more important than most. The head of the visiting group was a relative of Giorno’s, so there was no room for error. You wondered about his convoluted bloodline, hearing murmurs about his origins, but nothing was ever confirmed or denied other than the fact that his mother is Japanese, and nobody dared to push further for answers, not that it mattered in any case, by this time, Giorno had rearranged the entire structure of Passione, and for all intents and purposes it worked, sustainably generating copious amounts of money with minimal bloodshed.

Right, mascara and I’ll be done you mused as you applied the finishing touches to your makeup. No sooner had you finished primping your lashes did you hear a knock on your door.

“It’s open…” you called out from the seat in front of your mirror.

“(y/n), they’re ready with the car downstairs, whenever you’re ready to go…”

“Thank you Ris…” the words left your carefully painted lips, barely acknowledged by your capo when he turned to leave. Well, referring to him as Capo was now redundant seeing that you were an entity in your own right, but old habits die hard, and you still respected him in the same way. He always worried before you set out on these types of missions, remembering a time when you used to be sent out on missions by him. Nonetheless, those days were over now, and you had a new role to fulfil.

There was nobody downstairs when you left, so you exited quietly and steeled your mind on the drive to the private cigar lounge.

“Fugo, I’ll be in my study, please alert me when Higashikata and his associates are here. Also confirm with Risotto if (y/n) is on board for this evening,”

“Of course Giogio, excuse me, I’ll also follow up with Mista on the status of the Capos he’s in charge of- I’ll have feedback for you in an hour,” with a small nod of acknowledgement Fugo took his leave and Giorno went back to examining the documents sent to him beforehand about the strange occurrences in Morioh, Washington, and now Naples. This was the start of something ominous, having a nagging feeling that this wasn’t the last time he would have to meet Josuke. It’s highly unusual for organisations like Passione and the Gokudo to interact in this manner, but this situation was exceptional, and when Jotaro had made contact with Giorno explaining the situation, he couldn’t turn a blind eye, and as such, Josuke was sent in his stead to meet with the young Don.

“Giogio, we should leave now if we want to get there before Higashikata’s group, Mista will meet us there,” with that, the Don and his consigliere had left to receive their guests.

Scents of old leather, expensive tobacco, and even more expensive cologne filled the air when you sauntered in. A handsome man with a pompadour, donning a designer suit, shirt opened a few buttons too low displaying the elaborate patterns adorning his chest offered you a wicked grin from across the room. Just next to him, another ruggedly good looking man with scars across his face nursed a drink while emphatically making conversation with a white haired young man who had a beautiful raven-haired woman draped over him.

“Ah, (y/n), there you are, come on, take this to Don Giovanna and Mr Higashikata,” Maria the head hostess, pushed a bottle of cognac into your hands, the Mafiosi already having gone through a couple of rounds before your arrival.

You approached the rowdy table, offering apologies for the delay, nestling yourself between Giorno and Josuke with a flirtatious giggle.

“Well dollface, it seems good things come to those who wait, so I’ll overlook it… this time,” You were surprised with the fluency at which Josuke spoke Italian- perfect Neapolitan dialect.

“Your Italian is impeccable Higashikata-sama,” you commented, remembering the honorifics you read about. Josuke looked impressed, cocking an eyebrow, taking a sip of the expensive liquor that remained in his glass, readying himself for you to pour him another drink. Watching the exchange, Giorno downed the rest of his drink as well, and took care of the formal introductions, not that it mattered in any case. You were being pulled in all to quickly by the magnetism exuded by the young man, being lulled by the dulcet tones of his voice. I guess this runs in the family you thought to yourself, recalling your first encounter with the don. Giorno continued his conversations with the rest of Josuke’s associates, discussing the occurrences that had brought them all the way to Naples, but kept one eye on you at all times. He wasn’t sure if it was Josuke’s brazen attitude, or your fawning, but the entire situation had annoyed him, which didn’t make sense even to him seeing that you were acting on his instruction… although by this point, you weren’t really acting.

“So Higash…”

“Please, call me Josuke,”

“Okay, Josuke, those are some interesting tattoos you have…” you say, delicately tracing the patterns on his chest with a manicured finger.

“Wanna see the rest of it?” not really waiting for an answer, Josuke unbuttons the rest of his shirt to show you the elaborate design on his back, a large stunning dragon sprawled menacingly across the taut skin, stopping just shy of star-shaped marking on his shoulder.

“Hey, that looks like the same mark on the don’s shoulder…” the young man pulled his shirt and coat back on and eyed Giorno knowingly, to which the don wordlessly replied with a smirk as he raised his glass. Giorno wasn’t always that condescending, but he had the urge to make it known that hewas the one who had been acquainted with you first. Not that any of that had bothered Josuke, he wasn’t one to fall for minor acts of derision when he had set his sights on something he wanted, and right now, that was you. Missing that entire interaction as you refreshed everyone else’s drinks, you returned to the table, however Josuke wanted to take your conversation to another location, somewhere quieter.

You lead him to one of the private meeting rooms, slowly sliding the door shut. Turning around to face him, you noticed the look on Josuke’s face changed, eyes darker, expression demanding your attention, which you were unable to avert regardless of your efforts. This feeling was exhilarating to you, for so long you had mostly been in charge of your encounters, only ever yielding control to Giorno when you were with him.

“Y’know, your don was doing his best to make it known that he’d been here first… I don’t much care for the conquest or doing things first, all that matters is doing it right…” inching closer towards you, a pair of strong arms placed you on the table, hungry lips captured your own, your hands attempting to go into his hair when you were gently reprimanded. As much as this was a job for you, evidence of your excitement pooled in your lingerie and left your lips in muted moans as deft hands and lips skillfully worshipped your body, bringing you to the precipice of ecstasy so many times before allowing you to fall in.

“Good girl… look at you, barely able to think…” Josuke spoke into your shoulder, resting his head there while he waited for you ride out your climax.

Outside your little slice of heaven, your absence was obvious, Giorno having concluded his business, had started to take his leave, not before catching a glimpse of your slightly disheveled form exiting the room. You didn’t see him watching you with a scowl, already having set in motion a plan for your future in both his life and the organization… for now the moment though it seemed ignorance truly was bliss.

[rootin-tootin-cum-shootin]

Copper and Iron

Synopsis: Y/N finds themself working as a volunteer in an experiment being done by a famous Robotics company. An experiment on a new AI program meant to allow their autonomous androids to have emotions. However what both Y/N and the researchers didn't anticipate was for their new experiment to fall in love with her human.

Ship: Hinata Hyuga x gn! Reader

Word Count: 9,320

Warnings: Yandere, Emotional abuse,Toxic Relationship, Manipulation, Gaslighting, Blood (from a broken nose)

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There are many factors that go into creating something truly magnificent. Often it takes ingenuity, a creative touch, patience, and a lot of perseverance. Not to mention bravery. Sometimes the creations are timeless, whether that be for a practical purpose like the invention of the light bulb or for a more spiritually fulfilling purpose like music. Despite this innovations such as these change form slightly as time progresses, however if one were to go back and look at something like a table from as far back as physical historical artifacts can be found, it can still be recognized for the purpose that it serves. Whether the table is made of plastic from 100 years ago or even Dysprosil from modern day. However none of that matters in the long run, because as previously stated time continues moving forward and so does innovation. It is very rare that the best inventions are ever made, after all the best creations are always the ones where eventually society can no longer live without them. Imagining a world where the thing an individual is most dependent on is missing, is quite often devastating. That is especially the case when it comes to the newest form of AI technology. And it is on that note that our story truly begins. 

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The towering building of Baseline Robotics™ glimmered as the rolling holographic advertisement displayed along the outside shifted to the customary greeting message as the doors unlocked before Y/N. Walking into the surprisingly empty lobby they immediately noticed that the interior decorations seemed to be going for a theme of alien hospital. Everything seemed to be white or a reflective silver and it was very nearly maddening in it’s sterility. However what caught Y/N’s attention was a stiff pure white couch that laid empty. It seemed like nobody had ever sat down on it, whether that be from fear of staining it or how uncomfortable it appeared to be was yet to be determined. Despite this observation Y/N sat down, albeit hesitantly. Soon people began to enter the building and walk down one of the two brightly lit hallways, turning either immediately left or the right while not a single person entered the large door at the end of the middle hallway.  

They had never been to Baseline Robotics™ as they never really saw a need to before now. AI was an essential part of society and for that Y/N was grateful that robotics companies existed. Without the people who can make the AI that is essential to daily tasks like driving, or customer service life would be far more difficult. And thus cities like Canphia wouldn’t exist. However recently Baseline Robotics™ had begun the shift from functional robots and computer programs to fully autonomous androids. Androids of course had already existed for a few years short of two centuries, but never had they ever looked so realistic. The only thing preventing them from being fully human was the lack of emotions. But since most androids were expensive and thus they were employed as nannies and maids in only the richest households. Being able to get angry or excited would make them neglect their duties and so nobody ever considered creating an android capable of emotions. And thus Y/N had never even considered going into the Baseline building. Besides what would a college student ever need with a robot servant. 

“Greetings! How can we help you today?” A robotic voice asked Y/N as it wheeled closer to them. 

“I’m here to answer the ad requesting volunteers for an experiment,” Y/N responded carefully.

“Follow me!” The robot chirped as it turned abruptly towards the hallway behind it, eventually both Y/N and the robot reached the door that nobody else had entered. The robot whirred softly as it unlocked the door in front of it,”Please enter and someone will be with you shortly.” 

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“Hello, you must be here for the experiment. I’m Researcher Ino, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” The young woman was grinning excitedly at Y/N as she extended a hand towards them. 

Reaching a hand out to shake Ino’s Y/N introduced themself quickly before they were suddenly being taken down a hallway by conveyor belt. It led down a series of short confined hallways before abruptly opening up into a large production floor similar to the ones that create cars. 

“So Y/N before we get started with the paperwork I’d like to ask you some quick questions,” Ino hummed as she looked over the documents displayed on her Holo-Cast. 

“Go ahead Ino.” 

“Why did you want to sign up for this?”

“Well…” Y/N hesitated, to say they were embarrassed at their reasoning for signing up was an understatement, but figuring honesty was the best way to go they continued to speak. “I moved to Canphia about six months ago and it’s been very hard for me to make any meaningful relationships so most of my free time is spent alone at home. I figured that since I don’t really ever do anything I could dedicate my spare time to assisting the behind the scenes science that goes into creating the AI we depend on.”

“Is there anything in particular that’s been preventing you from making friends?” the researcher inquired pleasantly. 

“If you haven’t noticed yet I have a difficult time speaking Katlior so it’s harder for me to communicate.” Y/N confessed with a light shrug as they entered Ino’s office. 

“Well Y/N I believe that you will be a perfect candidate for the experiment. With your help we might be able to finally take the last step in advancing AI technology. Welcome to the team.”

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It had been eight months of working with Ino and Y/N was excited to finally see what all their work was being put towards. If someone asked them if their time spent in the labs was helpful, Y/N in all honesty would have answered no. All they did was take silly personality quizzes about themself and their relationships that inevitably lead nowhere interesting or have conversations with the same four bot programs. The strangest things that they encountered in the lab however were the days where Ino would sit with Y/N and eat a meal while they discussed normal things for two people who are getting to know each other, like hobbies, interests and ideal types of all things. And what made this the strangest of the lab days was the fact that Ino would always take notes during their conversations, so the conversations were always a little awkward. 

Nonetheless Y/N was excited as earlier today Ino had mentioned that they needed to come into the lab a day early. She wouldn’t tell them exactly why they needed to come in but she sounded very excited and that made Y/N excited. 

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By the time Y/N had arrived at Borderline Robotics™ Ino was very nearly bouncing off the walls from how exhilarated she was at what she was about to unveil to Y/N. When they walked in she immediately jumped on them, wrapping an arm around Y/N’s shoulders while talking a mile a minute. “Ah you’re here! I called you in because we’re finally ready to begin the next stage of testing, and I have a feeling you’re going to love exactly what this stage entails. So if you would follow me I need to brief you on exactly what you’re about to experience so you’re prepared for this breakthrough. Okay let’s go!”

“Ino where exactly are we going? Isn’t the lab the other way?”

“Yep but today we’re going somewhere else.”

“...I’m so confused,” Y/N shook their head as they walked down the otherwise silent hallway. Ino grinned as she unlocked a door leading to a spiraling staircase and ushering Y/N to follow her down. 

“We need to go to the lab with the highest security clearance today, after all it’s not every day where you get so far in creating the first autonomous AI with emotions. So yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, that’s what all the testing has been for Y/N. We want to be able replicate emotions in our autonomous AIs. So the information you gave us was used to create a personalized android based off of characteristics that you favored in the tests, and from that we created a personality for your android. She is as realistic as possible and fulfills the purpose you wanted, with a little extra thrown in too!” Ino was still talking very quickly and when combined with the endless winding of the staircase it served to only further disorient Y/N. 

Frustrated at their lack of comprehension on the topic Ino was babbling on and on about Y/N grabbed Ino's arm and stopped her both from talking and walking. “Ino please slow down, I'm not following. What purpose did I ever say I wanted an android for?” Y/N said exasperated. Ino blinked at them, her mouth falling into an open o shape. 

Looking away from them she flushed, when she spoke her speech had slowed down considerably, “Well you didn't explicitly say you wanted her to have a particular purpose but I assumed that you would like it if her purpose was to be a companion for you. You did say that making friends was hard due to your limited language skills so with her you would always have a friend. And on top of that we also gave her the ability to speak every known human language, so no matter where you go with her, she will always be able to help you with the language of that country.” She looked back at Y/N with a shy smile and continued, “She is going to be a complete sweetheart to you. I can tell you that, I programmed her personally. If all goes well with us fully waking her up, you and the other participants will all be able to take home your personalized android to continue testing. Our goal is to see if it’s possible to have an android with a near full range of human emotion that would allow them to do jobs that are stressful, dangerous and need careful action, while still maintaining the capability to de escalate and comfort those in need. Like… search and rescue paramedics or firefighters! And by having willing participants take the androids out and fully immerse them in day to day life, it will definitely prove if it’s possible.”

“What happens to her if the experiment succeeds? After it’s over I mean. Will she be scrapped?” Y/N said as they stared at the door at the bottom of the stairs. 

“Of course not Y/N-san, she would continue living just like how she was before the end of the experiment, minus all the mandatory testings she needs to undergo… Oh that reminds me, before I introduce you to her there are some things you need to know, you know rules and the like,” she said now slowly descending down the remaining stairs to the door.  Y/N now relieved at knowing what was about to happen when they entered the lab, followed after her, ready to listen intently to the rules they needed to follow.

“So first of all since this is an experimental form of AI you are going to have to bring her in biweekly for the first four months for little check ups, as there might be some problems with either the physical body she inhabits or glitches in her programming. If you happen to find any before the next check up feel free to bring her in before then, and we’ll fix her right up! Number two, she needs to be charged every 32 hours. She is able to use the solar panels embedded into her skin to self charge in direct sunlight but if she doesn’t get any direct sunlight and her battery starts to get low, then you will have to plug her in. Number three, while charging with the cord in she is not to do any energy consuming activities, so laying down or sitting are the best options. Light activity such as walking a very short distance is possible but not strongly advised, listening to music or watching children’s television shows will be fine, just make sure she won’t be processing any heavy amounts of information or moving too much. The last thing is less important for you to know but nonetheless, number four she is waterproofed so she is able to interact with water without being damaged. However just because she can wash dishes, walk in the rain and shower does NOT mean she can be fully submerged in water. So no baths or going scuba diving with her. Wading in a pool or lake is possible although not recommended.“

Y/N nodded sincerely as they programmed the instructions into their Holo-Cast so they wouldn’t forget them after leaving the lab, and despite their focus and serious diligence in recording the rules Ino could tell that they were excited. After all they were barely containing a smile as she opened the door to the room where the androids were all just awakening. Y/N looked up from what they were doing as Ino motioned for them to follow her into the room. 

Once in the room Ino quietly greeted her two fellow researchers as she guided Y/N past all the other pairings in the room and over to the single lone android. Ino stopped a few steps from where the android was sitting on the table, there was nothing on the table beside her but the blanket that at one point covered her body before her awakening. Disappointed but not surprised, Ino nudged Y/N forward to meet her while she went to go get the bag of the things the android would need, “Hinata, I have someone here to meet you.” She said, causing the android to turn her head and look at the pair. 

“Hello, I’m Hinata,” she said inquisitively. 

“Hello Hinata, I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you,” Y/N responded enthusiastically albeit they did feel slightly uncomfortable due to the others around them already having extensive conversations.   

“Hi!!” Hinata said enthusiastically, she seemed to be a very bright and nearly childlike person and that made Y/N smile softly at her. They truly didn’t know what to say to Hinata and thus their conversations were short, and the silences between them long.  

Ino soon returned with a very large duffel bag and handed it off to Hinata’s waiting arms, “You’re going to be living with them from now on Hinata, that means you can leave the lab!” Hinata looked at Y/N intently and nodded slowly. She was starting to realize what the humans wanted from the other androids and she was wondering if Y/N was the same way. 

“Y/N one thing before you leave, feel free to bring her by anytime you want. We’d all love to see how you’re both doing. Okay?” Ino interjected as Hinata put on her jacket so the pair could leave. Y/N smiled graciously as they agreed to stop by sometime soon. And with that they left with Hinata in tow. 

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The pair were silent as they ascended the stairs, not a word was spoken between them until they got outside of the building at which point the bubble of awkward tension burst between them. Hinata reached out in a move that mirrored the one that Y/N did to Ino not even a half hour earlier. “What am I to you Y/N? I know all of us were created with a role in mind and I want to know the one you think I’m going to play.” Hinata said intensely, her eyes were locked on Y/N as she spoke. 

“It’s embarrassing to admit but I want you to be my friend. I moved here a year ago and despite spending time with my classmates after lectures I haven’t been able to make any real friends by myself due to a strong language barrier between us. I can understand if you-” 

Y/N had looked away from Hinata in shame while they spoke and they only looked back after Hinata’s once hard and quite frankly intimidating voice softened, “Do you really mean you want to be friends? You’re not going to make me into a servant or something?” 

Y/N blinked in shock at how quickly her attitude changed but nodded with a smile, "No Hinata, I’m not going to make you my servant. I want to be friends, although in all honesty I wouldn’t mind if you help with chores sometimes…” They trailed off as Hinata laughed brightly. She intertwined their hands and swung them back and forth as they walked away from Baseline Robotics™. 

“Can we go to a zoo? I want to see a real life hippopotamus Y/N!” Hinata asked excitedly. Y/N nodded as they giggled, Hinata was just so full of wonder at everything and it was endearing. 

“Of course we can Hinata, you little sweetheart.” 

They hadn’t gotten more than a block away when Y/N’s Holo-Cast lit up with a call from Ino. It was strange that Ino was calling them so soon after leaving but thinking it might be important Y/N picked up the call. As soon as they hit the receive option Ino’s frantic voice was heard, “Oh thank goodness you’re okay! You need to bring Hinata back here right now for deactivation befo-” 

“Deactivation? Ino what the hell are you talking about? Hinata hasn’t done anything to me other than hold my hand,” Y/N said while looking at Hinata who looked just as confused. 

“The other androids, they just... flipped out all of the sudden and attacked the volunteers. Most of the humans were sent to the emergency room from the damage the androids caused. We were supposed to have a program put in that stopped them from harming their humans unless they were in direct danger but the volunteers were all just trying to leave to go home and the androids just went crazy unprovoked… Y/N are you sure Hinata isn’t going to-” 

This time Hinata cut Ino off, “Why would I ever want to hurt my friend Researcher Ino? We are even going to the zoo together, I really want to see a real life hippo! Please don’t take me away from Y/N, i really like them… ” Hinata was pouting at the idea of not getting to spend time with her new best friend when they had met. 

Ino paused her pleas as she realized that Hinata must have not seen Y/N as a threat judging by the behaviour Y/N described and the way that Hinata spoke of them. 

In shock from Hinata at all but admitting that she would have lashed out in anger had their conversation gone differently,  Y/N looked at the small form of Hinata who was now crouched down and cooing at a pigeon, having been distracted from the conversation at hand by the small avian’s appearance. “She doesn’t seem to want to hurt me,” Y/N thought, “And if she was going to do it she would have done it when everyone else did. Plus she acts a lot like a child, so I doubt she would do it now.”

Ino sighed, “It’s your limbs that are at stake here. Fine, if you feel safe, then...carry on your way then.” 

The last thing Y/N saw before the call ended was Ino shaking her head in disbelief. With a chuckle Y/N called out to Hinata, “You heard the woman! Let’s roll out.”

“Okie Dokie!” Hinata affirmed, reaching for Y/N’s hand once more. Swinging their intertwined hands between them as they walked to the zoo.

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Two weeks later Y/N and Hinata went in for the first scheduled check up, where amazingly Ino found the same abnormalities in her code as the other androids displayed; and yet she still didn't attack Y/N. Outwardly there was no evidence of violent tendencies anywhere in Hinata. “But the code doesn't lie, so what made her refrain from attacking Y/N?” Ino thought aloud as she watched the physical portion of the check up from a safe distance. 

Everything seemed to be going how it should be going and despite the excitement her colleagues were showing at having a working android, Ino thought that she needed to be deactivated like the others or at least reprogrammed.

When the other researcher finished with Hinata, Ino got an idea. The best way to find out a person's reasoning behind their actions is the simplest way. To ask them. She took a deep breath and walked over, rehearsing what she'd say in her head on the way over. Putting a hand on Hinata’s shoulder Ino carefully asked her the question all the while trying to not to give away her true intentions. 

“Hello Hinata I'm happy to report that the physical evaluation shows you are in perfect condition, Y/N must be taking good care of you," That got a smile and a pleased nod from the android. Ino patted her shoulder and continued, "But I do have a question for you in regards to your code. You see when we were looking at your coding today during the psych testing, we found the same anomaly that caused the other androids to attack their human volunteers, in you, and yet you were the only one not to attack anyone. So I figured I'd ask you what all us researchers were thinking, why didn't you attack Y/N?” 

“They wanted me to be their friend, and I wanted to be their friend too! Friends don't hurt friends Ino,” Hinata said cheerfully. She looked towards Y/N like a child looking to their parent for affirmation of their good behaviour. Y/N smiled at her and squeezed her hand as they watched Ino take notes. 

“Well as much as I would like to take out that particular section of code that created the violent behavior, I have been ordered by the higher ups to leave it in as they don’t want to potentially compromise Hinata. Plus if she says she’s not going to act on it, I suppose we'll just have to trust her," Ino gave a good natured smile directed at Hinata before continuing, "However I will implement a tell that would allow you, Y/N to see if she's getting to a state where she would act violent.” Ino said as she plugged some of the cords that were laying next to the table Hinata was sitting on into the nape of Hinata's neck; quickly pulling out a tablet, Ino typed out a sequence of numbers and letters before setting the tablet back down. Turning back to the pair she grinned, "and now we wait for it to upload, Hinata just make sure to lay down otherwise your balance could get a little wonky. You'll undergo a quick recalibration of the senses and all that, and then you're free."

Hinata nodded and laid down carefully, Y/N kept a hand on her back to help guide her down. Their face betrayed a look of shock and a hesitation that looked closer to fear than worry to Ino as by now Hinata's eyes had turned a milky white to allow for the update to her code to complete.

"Don't you worry about the eyes Y/N, that's supposed to happen. Any update to her code or recalibration of her senses will limit her sight in order to not overwhelm her in the process.  You probably haven't had to charge her using the cord yet but you'll notice her eyes will do that when charging as well."

Y/N shook their head, shaking the image of Hinata sitting in a dark room looking limp with wires coming off her body and her eyes as empty as a corpse. In a quick attempt to permanently banish the thought from their brain they looked at Ino and spoke once more. “And what is the tell you put in, Ino? You're being very vague…” Y/N inquired, wary.

Ino handed Y/N a sheet of paper as she spoke, “Her hair will lighten when she’s in a bad mood, and darken when she's in a good mood. The lighter it is the worse her mood is, the darker her hair is the better her mood is.  If she's sad, it will have blue in it. And embarrassment will create a pink tinge to the tips of  her hair. Both of the last two are because she has no fluids to convey those types of emotions, and with plenty of deliberation between the researchers we determined they’re both essential." 

Y/N was not convinced that this whole "tell" thing wasn't a predetermined plan instead of the on the fly programming that Ino was trying to make it look like it was. After all why else would she have a sheet of paper already printed off with a comprehensive guide to the colouring of Hinata's hair? 

Realizing that Y/N had caught on, Ino hurriedly got Hinata unhooked so that the pointed look Ino was being given wouldn’t turn into another question, "Okay you are both ready to go, see you in two weeks.

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“Y/N can we watch Iron Man again? Pretty please?” Hinata whined. 

“No, but only because you were whining again. Remember what we talked about Hinata, we don't whine to get what we want.” Y/N chided as they put on their coat. 

Hinata slumped down in the chair, she was disappointed in herself for making Y/N upset at her again. She was really trying to act more sophisticated and not like a toddler but everything was so new to her and she wanted to see it all, but it was just so hard to curb her enthusiasm for life when her wants were sidelined to more important things. But she would have to try harder so that Y/N wouldn’t be upset at her anymore. 

“Hinata! Sweetheart, I know you’re sulking out there. Get up and come put your shoes on so that we can go out, my friends are waiting for us at the restaurant and I don’t want to be late,” Y/N called out from in front of the door. Standing up, Hinata smoothed the wrinkles out of her clothes and walked over to where Y/N stood. 

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“Hello Sakura. How are you?” Y/N stood with Hinata beside them as they greeted the back of a person. 

  The woman turned to face Y/N as if she was surprised that they had spoken to them, when she locked eyes with Y/N she immediately began to smile. Sakura stood up, her short pink hair bouncing as she pulled Y/N into a hug,“Y/N! There you are, it felt like you were never going to meet up with us again. Sai and I were missing you.” After pulling away she looked at Hinata and spoke again, “Who’s this Y/N?”

Y/N grabbed Hinata’s hand as they spoke, “This is Hinata, she’s my friend and roommate.”

Hinata was pleased by finally being acknowledged by Sakura, she smiled timidly and waved at the girl, the ends of her hair shifting to a rosy pink , “It's nice to meet you Sakura.” Her voice was gentle when she spoke, she really wanted to appear as mature and polite as possible so that Y/N would be even more happy, so she let Sakura tug her down into the seat next to her. 

Y/N sat across from her and immediately turned to talk to the person next to them. His voice was deep when he spoke and had a strange way of pronouncing Katlio that led Hinata to believe he must be foreign, and therefore probably the Sai that Sakura mentioned. 

Sai had fully black eyes and his arms were covered in slowly morphing tattoos. Hinata was shocked, she didn't know that humans could come out like that, it made her feel very strange, she couldn't quite place the emotion she was feeling when she saw the human.

What she did know was she absolutely hated the way that Y/N was looking at him. 

“Examining his tattoos Hinata?” Sakura teased from beside her, “They are really cool I will admit. But still tell us about yourself. Where are you from, how did you meet Y/N, you know all the good stuff.” She tossed her hair as she spoke although it didn't go very far due to its cropped length. 

Y/N spun their head to look at Hinata directly in the eyes, they were silently pleading with her to not reveal that she was an android. Hinata didn’t like knowing she had to lie but she understood that she needed to do it to keep Y/N happy. So after sending a reassuring smile to Y/N she turned back to Sakura. Carefully and with practiced grace, as if she was a spider moving across the strands of it’s web to trap a still fluttering butterfly, she began to spin her lie, “Well…it’s not a very exciting story guys. I was born in Canphia but moved away when I was really young. I recently came back to the city and the two of us met through a mutual friend not too long ago and we hit it off. Y/N asked if I wanted to be their roommate after they found out I was looking for a place.” Hinata shrugged nonchalantly after she spoke, Sakura seemed pleased with her answer and thus turned her attention to Sai. Hinata immediately looked over at Y/N with the hope that she did a good job. 

Y/N smiled at her in relief and thinking she looked a lot like a puppy reached over and ruffled Hinata’s hair. So far, having Hinata around was going really well for Y/N because even though they still weren’t the best at Canphia’s unique language they got confidence in knowing that they had someone who would always be able to help them out. 

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When Y/N and Hinata arrived home from the diner, Hinata grabbed Y/N’s hands and stopped them from going inside the apartment. When they looked at her in confusion she giggled nervously, the tips of her hair going light pink for the second time that day, “I saw something in a drama and I want to try it. May I Y/N?” She tilted her head in inquisition and waited for their answer. 

“As long as it’s not going to hurt anyone then sure,” Y/N responded. 

Hinata smiled at them, went up on her tiptoes and placed a gentle, lingering kiss on Y/N’s forehead, “It’s not because I love you, it’s because I love only you. If it’s not you then I won’t have anyone else.” When she pulled away she was smiling very brightly, she had been wondering why the men in movies always did this sort of thing to people they like, but after doing it herself, she could completely understand why. It felt really nice to show affection like that, so much so that it created a small fluttering deep inside her chest.

After a beat of stunned silence Y/N blinked repeatedly at her as they spoke, “Are you quoting an old romance drama at me? Remind me to no longer watch sappy shows with you.” With a good natured eyeroll that Hinata could tell wasn’t genuine annoyance, Y/N dragged her inside. 

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Hinata and Y/N had been meeting up with Sai and Sakura every Saturday for months now and although the number of people who attended, the food ordered and the conversations had were always different, the one thing Hinata could expect during these times was to be ignored by the group of humans and only used as a translator by Y/N. She was always kept at an arm's length and unless she forcefully inserted herself into the conversation nobody would seem to notice she was even there, not even her best friend and roommate, the beautiful shining and incredibly social butterfly, Y/N. 

They used to do almost everything together. From grocery shopping and cleaning, to going out to the movies Hinata and Y/N were inseparable, no matter what they were doing they would always make it fun. Nothing was done around each other without trying to make the other laugh. Throwing popcorn, random tickle fights and long cuddle sessions on the couch when Y/N had a stressful day. Hinata cherished all of the moments they spent together, but now Hinata was not sure Y/N felt the same. 

But then it changed.

Soon Hinata practically had to beg for a simple good morning from Y/N. They had been coming home from school and immediately retreating into their room. They didn’t come out for anything and the light would stay on until very late into the night. Hinata tried everything to get their attention and yet no matter what she did none of it mattered because they never saw it. It was like she didn't even exist to her butterfly anymore. 

Afterall what is the spider who must stay grounded on her web to the butterfly with the freedom to explore not only the skies but the world below.

She even had to go to her last biweekly checkup without them, and those days were always spent together no matter how busy Y/N was. 

Then just that morning Y/N had asked Hinata to come with them to lunch and she was ecstatic, she dressed up nicely and did her hair just the way Y/N liked it. Soft bangs styled to frame her face, with the rest of her hair cascading down her back,  it was perfect for them to run their hands through, but that same hair which was normally a deep purple, nearing black was now a striking platinum blonde. 

She was at one point during the walk to the diner, hopeful that her relationship with Y/N would go back to normal and yet here she was still being ignored after months of the same torture over and over again. And any hope of waiting for things to go back to normal was crushed as the new guy, Neji wrapped his arm around Y/N's waist. He had been flirting with Y/N the whole time and what was making it positively intolerable was the fact that Hinata had to keep translating the flirtatious comments to Y/N. 

And what made it worse were the reactions Y/N gave. With every laugh and turn of their head to hide their flustered face, or the casual touches that Y/N would reciprocate Neji’s advances with, Hinata felt a sharp pain in her chest. Like a knife being shoved in and twisted. Hinata was starting to resent her creators for giving her the capability to feel. What exactly she was feeling was a mystery to Hinata but she knew that it hurt. It hurt a lot.

After over an hour of being positively miserable Hinata had finally had enough. Abruptly standing up she stormed out of the diner. As she left she accidentally knocked over the chair she was sitting in and the clang of the metal chair hitting the floor caused the conversation at her table to screech to a halt. 

 Y/N was extremely embarrassed by her behavioural changes and they apologized for Hinata. Excusing themself, they picked up the chair as they left, catching the door before it shut, thus the bell failing to ring again. When they got outside they were greeted with Hinata leaning against a light post while pouting. Normally Y/N would have simply talked to Hinata about her terrible behavior but they had never seen her hair such a stark white before. Sure they'd seen her hair a light brown or even a natural looking blonde but never white, immediately getting concerned and scared, Y/N walked around to the diner's alleyway where they could still see Hinata while not allowing her to see them. Y/N commed Ino on their Holo-Com to make sure she was available for an emergency visit. 

Hinata was even more miserable now, she was alone in the middle of the day and she had nothing to do. Now she couldn't even send dirty looks to that Neji guy who kept flirting with her Butterfly. The street was mostly silent save for the passing of vehicles along the road, which was a blessing. At least she had the quiet rhythm of the late afternoon traffic to help calm her down. Brushing her now blue bangs out of her eyes, she started to count the cars passing her on the street. At least that would give her something to think about other than Y/N and that stupid human man flirting with each other.

Behind her the door to the diner opened up, the bell above the door rang and soon the sound of footsteps followed. Whoever it was moved towards where Hinata was standing, watching the movement along the busy street. The footsteps stopped behind her and immediately Hinata knew who was standing there. 

“Hey Himiko right? After you left Y/N followed, have you seen them? I just want to see how-” Neji cut himself off as Hinata slowly turned around, something wasn't right with her eyes. They were soulless, empty, and not at all human. Neji staggered back as Hinata began to smile, a smile that didn't reach past her lips. 

Hinata walked towards Neji, enjoying how he was trying to pretend he wasn't scared of her. In a split second of panic Neji wound up and punched Hinata in the throat only to be met with something rock hard that hurt him more than it hurt Hinata. But that was all Hinata needed. In the blink of an eye Neji was on the ground, his nose broken and bloody. 

Y/N was watching this from around the corner in shock. Hinata with her snow white hair had just sent a man crashing to the ground with blood pouring from his face. She stood over the now unconscious Neji, blood dripping from her knuckles. Y/N was shaking in fear when Ino picked up the com they had sent. 

“Come here now,” Ino said before hanging up.

Y/N nodded and walked toward where Hinata was. They stood beside her and offered their shaking hand. “Hinata how about we go for a walk together okay? To clear our heads, maybe we'll go see our friend Ino.” Y/N said tensely. At this point Sakura had seen Neji and was rushing out to go help him thus Y/N felt comfortable leaving him. 

Hinata on the other hand was excited, she hadn't seen Ino in a while and her Butterfly wanted to spend time with her again. Clasping their hand in hers, they began to walk toward Baseline Robotics™. Y/N wanted to vomit due to the sticky feeling of Neji's blood on their hand.

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“So you're concerned because her hair turned white after you spent over an hour using her as a translator so that a guy could successfully flirt with you? And then she punched the same guy who was flirting with you after already being incredibly annoyed by him. Y/N you realize how ridiculous that is right? Hinata did that because she was jealous and didn’t know better than to lash out physically, especially since from what you said he threw the first punch. That registered to her coding as an immediate threat, so of course she removed the threat by incapacitating him,” Ino said as she sipped her smoothie. With a chuckle she set her drink down and motioned to Hinata who was playing with one of the robotic hands on the table while listening in.

“Y/N we made Hinata specifically so that she could emulate human emotions while still being fully autonomous. You have to remember, she's comparable to a puppy, she has you and that's about it at the moment. She probably feels very protective of you since she doesn't know anyone as well as she knows you, and because of that she is very attached to you. So when you bring her places with you and then ignore her in favour of other people it irritates her. Just like how you'd feel if the person you love was ignoring you constantly. She may have copper wires instead of iron in veins but she is essentially human so treat her that way. Then everything will be fine and you won't face that problem again. Okay?” 

Y/N nodded relieved and mildly embarrassed, walking over to Hinata who was listening intently to the conversation. “I-... I think that I owe you an apology Hinata. How I treated you today was unfair, and I swear I won’t allow it to happen again. Come on sweetheart let's go home, we can watch your favourite movie and cuddle, just… let me make it up to you?” Y/N said as Ino's words replayed over and over in their head. 

Hinata grinned widely, her hair slowly darkening at the roots, turning her whole head black once more, the bangs however still remained tinted blue, but in the dimmed light of the lab it was near impossible to notice. She dropped the disembodied arm and grabbed for Y/N’s hands and as the pair made their way home one thing in particular about what Ino said stuck out to Y/N. Did Hinata really do that to Neji because she was in with love Y/N? Y/N didn't really believe it, after all why would she, they were friends.

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Another lunch over and Hinata was excited to go home so she and Y/N could hopefully watch a movie together. Over the course of the week Hinata had been formulating a plan, a plan that she carefully acted on all throughout that day’s lunch meet up. She was just waiting for Y/N to come out of the washroom so they could leave when Sai and Sakura came over to say goodbye after lunch. 

“Hey Hinata before we go, we wanted to remind you to tell Y/N that next week we’re going to eat lunch at the cafe closer to campus. Oh and one more thing... thank you for giving us our Y/N back.” Sai said with an uncharacteristically soft voice before Sakura managed to drag him over to her bike.

 Hinata's hair lightened in the blink of an eye at the comment Sai made, she was on the verge of starting to scream at the pair when the familiar voice of Y/N interrupted her, “What did they say about me? I heard my name but couldn’t quite catch anything else” they asked sweetly. 

She plastered on a fake smile and shook her head, “You don’t want to know.” She laughed awkwardly and held out a hand for Y/N to take. Y/N frowned and took hold of her hand as they walked back home. 

“What. did. they. say. Hinata.”

“They told me that I was ‘too good to be stuck hanging around’ you,” Hinata sighed deeply, really uncomfortable with saying it.

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Y/N had been getting more and more suspicious of Hinata with every weekly lunch meetup. It seemed as though every time that Y/N didn’t understand a remark made about them during those times Hinata would frown and look away as if she was in pain. If they pressed her to say what she'd heard she would confess that the people they were with were insulting them. At first they didn't believe it but now they were starting to believe her, since they stopped getting invited group activities with their so called friends.

Y/N was actually getting lonely from the lack of contact they were getting in the brief amount of time they were actually invited to go and meet with friends. But the greatest sting was when not even a week after their exams finished, the people that Y/N thought were friends had ditched them. And the one person they thought they could rely on was being distant.

It was getting harder to fall asleep every night as the hole in their chest just kept eating away at Y/N, telling them that all their worst fears were true. They had cried themself to sleep as many as six times in the past two weeks. The worst part however was just how exhausting the isolation had become.

The clock read 3:45AM and Y/N was just starting to fall asleep when a loud crash was heard from out in the living room. Thinking it was an intruder, Y/N immediately thought of Hinata and how valuable she would be if some devious rival to Baseline Robotics™ had found out about her existence. Leaping out of bed in a panic to protect her, Y/N grabbed a heavy book and slowly crept their way into the kitchen. The noise continued while Y/N made their way to where the sounds were originating from. Once in the kitchen they continued to creep forward into the living room where they flicked the lights on ready to attack the intruder; only to see Hinata now standing over a now completely decimated roomba. 

“Hinata? What the hell are you doing to our roomba!” Y/N whisper yelled, Hinata only pouted in response and raised her leg presumably to stomp on it again. With a sigh Y/N put the book down and looked at Hinata in the eyes, they were fed up with life, exhausted, angry and very willing to take it out on her, “I'm going to ask you this one more time. What the fuck. Do. You. Think. You're. Doing?” 

Hearing the anger in Y/N's voice Hinata lowered her leg and the colour blue creeped into her hair, “I missed you and I wanted to see you again without having to be around those... humans,” she said softly. 

“But what does that have to do with the roomba, which, need I remind you, is nothing but a vacuum?” Y/N whisper-yelled, they were so very confused.

“Because you love it more than you love me,” Hinata screamed. She paused and ran a hand through her deep blue hair in an effort to calm down before she spoke again “Ever since you got it months ago you've been ignoring me, you said when we first met that you wanted to be friends. Now you ignore me unless you want to go see those humans you call friends when all they do is insult you to your face when they know you can't understand them. I hate the fact that despite being used as nothing more than a translator by you, I still can't find it in me to stop loving you… You're my whole world but I know I'm not yours and that scares me. I'm scared that you will leave me all alone…” Hinata hung her head, if she could cry, she would have. She walked off into her sparsely decorated room and shut the door with a heavy sigh. 

Y/N was left alone once more and as they stood in the oppressive silence of the living room, they realized just how much they messed things up. Their priorities clearly hadn't been straight in a very long time and instead of being the person Hinata needed, they were selfish and used her. “But even though all that, she still cares for me…” Y/N said in muted shock, a hand rushing to cover their mouth, it was sickening to realize, and Y/N’s stomach lurched at the thought. They attempted to look at the floor but everything blurred as their eyes filled with tears. All those feelings of abandonment, of isolation, of loss and desperation; like a butterfly desperately searching, flying high and low to find a particular flower to feed off of, these past few weeks could have been avoided if they had simply looked to their side where Hinata was waiting for them. Hinata, the shy violet that was consistently rooted in Y/N’s life even when they willingly became blind to her.

 Y/N didn't see it before but they truly did love her more than anyone else. And all that it took to come to this realization was facing the potential loss of the only person to still love Y/N even after countless weeks of neglecting both Hinata’s emotional needs, and their own. 

With a newfound determination they looked towards where Hinata's room was. The hallway leading to the bedrooms was still dark but despite this Y/N traversed it with the familiarity of their many months with each other, they needed to make right what they nearly completely messed up. 

Knocking on Hinata's door Y/N called out to her, “Hinata, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I want to apologize to you, I haven't been treating you very well recently and I'm so sorry for that. I got so excited by the idea that I would end up with more friendships than before and I ended up using you. I realize now that I made a huge mistake. The people who I wanted to impress the most turned their backs on me and instead of spending time with you I became a recluse. Everything I thought I knew about the people I cared about was a lie. And I've been so damn blind to all the signs around me that even though I knew that you loved me, I never even realized that this whole time, I loved you back. Avoiding you even though you were the only person who was ever truly my friend was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. And I did it… I don't expect you to forgive me… I just- ... I just really want you to know that I am so sorry for how I've treated you, I never deserved to have someone as kind as you in my life.” 

Y/N's face was hot with shame as tears rolled down their cheeks. Their strength was suddenly missing from their legs and they slid down the wall next to her bedroom door that they had been using as a crutch. 

When the door opened Y/N heard soft whimpers that weren't their own, in the doorway stood Hinata looking like she was on the verge of tears. Everything was silent for a moment as the pair just stared at each other. Y/N knew that in that moment if Hinata could cry, she would have been.

“I-I forgive you Y/N. But y-you have to promise me th-that you won't do that to me ever again. I would never leave you all alone, so if you're feeling upset you could always talk to me. Just don't shut me out again okay?” Hinata hiccupped. She knelt down and put her head on Y/N's shoulder and an arm around their side as tears continued to make their way down Y/N's cheeks. “One more thing… I want you to say that I'm yours. Like they do in all the dramas.” she said gently, she wanted to improve the mood somehow and at the moment that seemed to be the best way to do it. 

“I will, but only if you're going to do the same,” Y/N murmured as they clung onto Hinata's pyjamas. 

Hinata's arms reached around and pulled them into a warm and tender embrace, allowing Y/N to take comfort in finally seeing that they were not alone at all. The duo stayed just like that until Y/N became tired enough that they fell asleep, their hand still bunched up with a fistfull of Hinata’s nightgown. 

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When the beginnings of the golden light of the sunrise entered their apartment Hinata couldn't help but look down at her sleeping lover. They looked so peaceful, so sweet, so pretty, so delicate, just like a little butterfly; lying there with their head on her lap as they clutched onto the hem of her nightshirt in their sleep. Hinata wanted to live in that moment forever. The warmth of the sun hitting her face made her feel energized and the soft fluttering feeling was back, much stronger now, like the beating of one thousand pairs of wings. This time it filled her up so completely she imagined that she had lots of little birds flying through her chest.  As silly as it sounds, to Hinata anything and everything felt possible in that moment. 

It was wonderful, although a small dark flicker passed through her mind. She didn't let it affect her pleasant mood though, after all she did spend so much time carefully weaving her little web. It had taken months for her to carefully weed out the people who were taking her Butterfly from her. Hours upon hours of listening to meaningless conversations, waiting for a phrase that could be twisted around to become insulting or demeaning and then relaying that information back to Y/N in her native tongue. And all of it so that they would realize that she was the only person for them. They didn't need anyone else if she was by their side. 

It was so adorable that they maintained their naïvety throughout their life, but it was also just as dangerous. If she was able to manipulate Y/N so easily then who else would see that and try and take them away from her. Especially because they fell for every word she told them hook line and sinker without suspecting anything at all.

“Yes it is far safer for them to have only me,” she thought as she stroked Y/N's cheek with her thumb. And yet it still weighed heavily on her mind, afterall she was taught that lying to the people she cared for was very, very bad. She didn't like that she was forced to do such a thing to the person she loved more than anything else, but plenty of relationships where one person lies to the other work in movies. After all love is stronger than everyone and everything that would attempt to get in the way of it. Hinata knew that they would be an example of this now that she finally had Y/N all to herself. 

Hinata hummed a soft tune as she picked up Y/N to put them in their bed. They were soon gently slipped under the covers with it, tucked snugly around their body. 

Sitting next to them for a moment Hinata lingered a while, they looked positively delectable afterall. Irresistible in fact. So gathering what courage she had and mixing it with that light floaty sense of contentment she felt, Hinata leaned down and with a soft smile kissed Y/N's forehead as they slept. Torn between wanting to surprise them when they woke up and staying to watch them as they slept; eventually after much deliberation the android stood up to go make them breakfast.

Savouring the moment for a little longer she pet Y/N's cheek fondly, as she thought aloud, “Ino was right, we aren't so different at all. In fact we are perfect together. Copper and iron.”

[itslieutenanthawkeye]

Lucky Guy

Day 7 of Jeankasa Week: College AU

AO3

Sasha and Connie dragged him forward; they’d loaded him up on caffeine that very afternoon, picked up a set of clothes for him and tried to shave his stubble. Jean hadn’t allowed them to do the latter. The night was starting, and he already felt tired.

Final exams had worn him out, consumed all his energy for the sake of a pass, for the sake of a chance of a good job in the future, a nice home for his family. Not that he had any prospects at the moment, mind you. All he seemed to have was stress, and exhaustion nowadays.

He understood that the two dragging him to the party wanted to help him wind down, but Connie had already started taking over for his family business and Sasha had graduated culinary school a year ago. They were living the adult, independent life already.

Meanwhile Jean was stuck with physics and mathematics. At least the artistic portion part of his classes was fulfilling.

“So, where’s Niccolo?” Connie asked as they got on the tramway.

“He had to close up, but he’ll meet us at the party later.” Sasha said, taking them to the long seat at the back of the tramway. Jean sat in between the two, listening to their chatter in silence. “Aren’t you going to lighten up, Jean? You look like someone just died.”

Jean lowered his head, the repetitive rattling of the cart almost lulling him to sleep. “My will to live has died.”

“Come on, man, is it that bad since Marco left?”

“That traitor.” Jean said, with a tone of voice that spoke longing instead of anger.

Marco and he had decided to study architecture together; Jean driven by his knack for drawing, Marco driven by his desire to be by his side. A year into their university course, however, he’d gotten that scholarship to study photography in Hizuru. A great, one-in-a-lifetime opportunity that didn’t come around twice.

An opportunity that would force them to stay apart for four full years. Since neither had enough money to fly back and forth and Jean had not wanted to give up his studies in Paradis, they’d decided to remain friends. They’d been friends since the beginning, after all.

After the first months of heartbreak, Jean had realized that Marco had left him with just about enough money to pay for three months of rent. Although he couldn’t blame him, Jean had gotten the habit of cursing him lowly for the past year, whenever he was forced to balance his part time job and his ridiculous physics lessons.

“I still don’t understand why you don’t get another roommate.” Connie said, scratching the back of his ear. “Are you just holding out until a cute guy shows up at your door?”

“Or girl.” Sasha added, opening a bag of potato chips sneakily.

“Oi, Sasha,” Jean said, frowning. “We’re gonna get a fine because of you.”

“I’ll pay for it,” Sasha said, waving her hand to undermine the matter. “You guys want some? They’re new spicy ones.”

Jean reached out under her jacket and took a few chips into his mouth. “I take it the restaurant is doing well? With you being okay for paying fines, I mean.”

“Niccolo said that breakfast menu I came out with put us on top. If we keep it up, in about two years we’ll be able to set our next location,” she said proudly, her mouth also half full of chips. She gave Jean a significant look. “We’ll need an architect for the place. And someone here will be almost finished with uni.”

He smiled. “Thanks. I’ll make sure to remind you.”

“You know you can ask for money, right, Jean?” Connie said, resting his back against the seat. “You don’t need to work yourself to death when you’ve got us.”

Another lazy smile came to his face. “I don’t want to be a burden to you guys.”

“You’re more of a burden when you don’t come with us to these things,” Connie said. “First, you missed all barbecue nights at Niccolo and Sasha’s. And now you didn’t want to come, and you know Reiner throws the best parties. His little cousin took down that Galliard guy the last time.”

“Isn’t she a kid?” Jean blurted out.

“She likes to sneak in to get in fights with the college kids.” Connie explained, laughing. “I think she’s been in martial arts since five or something.”

“Now that’s a surprise,” Sasha said, elbowing Connie as the tramway arrived at its next station. Jean looked at the person getting on and his breath caught. Wearing a corseted black dress, her hair up in a high ponytail and wearing a choker around her elegant neck, Mikasa Ackerman stood out as a comet across a blue sky.

“I didn’t think she’d come tonight,” Connie said. “You know, considering Eren.”

“What happened with Eren?” Jean asked.

“Don’t you check her feed?” Connie asked, wiggling his eyebrows. “You know, since you had that huge crush on her in high school and whatnot.”

“I’ve been busy.” Jean said, too tired to try and deny that crush he’d had on her in their school days, the crush that had always irked Marco somehow. “You don’t have to tell me. I’m too busy to be concerned about other people’s drama.”

“They broke up,” Connie said in a gossipy tone, as if Jean hadn’t just snapped at him. “Around six months ago. He skipped town. Didn’t want to be tied down or something, wanted to be free as birds or whatever. He’s backpacking in the continent, I think.”

Jean sat straighter on his seat. That dick. That stupid, nihilistic piece of shit. “Why didn’t you guys tell me? Isn’t Sasha her best friend?”

“Because you disappeared the whole semester, man. That’s why I told you to ask for money instead of working yourself to death,” Connie said, shaking him by the shoulder. “You miss out on parties and gossip.”

“Stop it. She’ll hear you,” Sasha said, lifting her arm to wave at Mikasa. “Hey! Mikasa, over here! Come sit with us!”

Jean felt heat in his cheeks. “Sasha, don’t. She’ll come.”

“That’s what I want.”

“I can’t talk when she looks this pretty.”

Sasha rolled her eyes. “Stop being an idiot, Jean.”

Mikasa’s eyes caught sight of them and she made her way to their seat, not bothering to hold onto anything to keep her balance as the tramway moved forward. They had known each other from high school and little things had changed about the way she moved; she carried herself with the elegance of a swan, and the strength of a mountain. He remembered teasing Eren about her being the boss in their relationship during their very last year of school, when the embers of jealousy had begun to die for Jean, and chuckled lowly at the memory of the enraged response he always received.

“Hi, everyone,” she greeted them. Sasha scooted to the side, and Mikasa sat between her and Jean, close enough for him to smell her perfume. “Are you guys going to Reiner’s?”

“Best parties in Trost.” Sasha said, offering her the bag of potato chips. “Want some?”

Mikasa dipped her hand in the bag. “Aren’t you scared you’ll get a fine?”

“She says she’ll pay it,” Connie explained, reaching over Jean and Mikasa to grab more.

“Sasha,” Mikasa said sternly. “How many more fines are you going to pay?”

“She’s paid more this month?!” Jean said.

“She has. It’s getting ridiculous, she can’t go on a tramway without getting hungry…” Mikasa stopped herself from talking and settled her eyes on him, with a vague surprised expression on her lovely pale face. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve been busy with work.” Jean said, shrugging, hoping that she wouldn’t see the blush in his cheeks that look of her had caused. He waited a second, wondering if he should bring up that he had, in fact, seen her. “I saw you, though. Drawing, in the Maria building.”

Understanding washed over her face, and her mouth fell open. “You should’ve said hi, Jean.” She said. “It’s a huge classroom, there’s no way I could’ve seen you.”

“I’m sorry.” Jean muttered. Truth was, he hadn’t wanted her to see him in the state he’d been in two weeks ago. With his double shifts at work and his assignments for the end of the semester, Jean had resembled a walking corpse more than a human.

Mikasa was an anthropology and history major and, much like Jean himself, worked part time jobs. However, with her looks, most of her part time jobs were related to modeling. That morning at creative drawing, she’d been hired to pose for the class covered only by a thin sheet. And despite being a class full of professionals, Jean had still not wanted the girl who resembled a goddess to see him bordering a mental breakdown.

“Have you been getting enough sleep?” She asked him.

“Does it show that bad?”

Mikasa’s mouth made a perfect O in terror. “I didn’t mean to sound like that.”

Jean chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. It shows. If uni wasn’t free, I would’ve gone broke already.”

“You need to look after your health more, Jean. Have you even been eating well? If you don’t sleep and don’t eat well, you’re just going to burn out,” Mikasa said, then froze, grabbing the hand that was going to reach out to him. “I’m sorry. I just sounded like a mother there.”

“You’re right, though.” Jean replied, smiling at her. “I haven’t been eating well. With work—”

“Is that why you haven’t been to any of the barbecues?”

“You went?”

Mikasa nodded. “We missed you.”

Jean’s head came up with a thousand names to call himself in that moment. He missed his friends enough during the semesters without the knowledge that she’d been hanging out with them at barbecue night. “I’ll make it next time.” He managed to say. “Did Armin go?”

“He’s been busy with moving in with Annie.” Mikasa said, sighing. “I don’t think I’d talk to anyone outside work if it wasn’t for Sasha and Mina.”

“Wait, Armin moved out too?” Jean asked, growing concerned. “Did those two just up and left you alone in that huge apartment?”

“Armin left me some money to pay a couple more months’ worth of rent.” Mikasa said, almost apologizing in Armin’s behalf. Jean’s fists clenched automatically; he’d seen how smitten he was with that marleyan girl, but leaving Mikasa alone to pay for that huge apartment by herself…

“Besides, I insisted,” Mikasa added with a low voice. “I didn’t want him to wallow in self pity with me when he has a perfectly lovely girlfriend.”

Jean sighed tiredly. He should’ve known. Even heart broken, Mikasa cared more about her friend’s happiness than her own economic safety. In a way, it was something that made her all the more charming in his eyes.

“Hey, are you two going to ignore us all the way there?” Connie asked, slapping the back of Jean’s head. “Why did you have to sit in between us if you’re just gonna talk to each other?”

“He’s right,” Sasha said, shaking Mikasa by the shoulder. “Mikasa, pay attention to your best friend now! She brought chips for you!”

Mikasa narrowed her eyes in Sasha’s direction. “Since when do you carry food for anyone but yourself, Braus?”

Sasha’s face contracted into a miserable expression, and she threw herself over Mikasa, hugging her while kissing her head. “Not the last name treatment, Mikasa!”

Maybe a few years ago, Mikasa would’ve thrown Sasha back onto her seat. This time, however, she limited herself to exchange an amused look with him and Connie, patting Sasha’s head in a conciliatory manner. “Alright, alright. Control yourself,” she told Sasha. “Don’t you have a boyfriend? What will Niccolo say if he sees you hugging a woman like this?”

“He’ll probably think we look hot.” Sasha replied innocently.

“What a perv.”

“Mikasa!”

_________________

The tramway took them to the west end of Trost, where high skyscrapers and fancy apartment buildings rose into the sky. The elevator took them a whole thirty floors up to Reine’rs apartment. As soon as they walked in, Jean stared at the ceramic floors, the balcony with its hot tub and view of the distant mountains in the island. When Reiner came to greet them with a hug for each, Jean held him by the shoulders.

“When did you get this rich?” He asked, baffled. How had everyone gotten rich so quick before him?

“My mother and I won the alimony trial last month,” Reiner laughed, hugging him again to then make a wide gesture with his arms at the people in the room. From the way he moved, Jean guessed he was already drunk. “Nineteen years’ worth of unpaid alimony, all paid in full!”

The crowd cheered, raising their beer bottles in the air to celebrate his makeshift toast. “Galliard, Pieck!” Reiner said, stumbling back into the crowd, being caught by the two exchange Marleyan students. “Get the karaoke machine going!”

Sasha and Connie dived into the party in full, going over to Mina, who had her hands full while pouring two bottles of vodka into a large crystal bowl filled with fruits and juice. Jean rubbed his temple; getting drunk wasn’t on his list of priorities, not with so little sleep in his system.

He turned to look at his right, realizing Mikasa stood by the door, watching the crowd move around Reiner’s apartment with apprehension. He took a couple of steps in her direction, leaning against the wall with his hands crossed over his chest, perhaps in a subconscious attempt to appear nonchalant. “See anyone you know?” He asked.

“Too many people.” She muttered in response, rubbing her arms. “Sasha said this was going to be like the barbecue.”

One would think that with her looks and strength, Mikasa would be a little more popular. She’d been an introvert since secondary school, shielded behind the personalities of her two childhood friends. And despite that a few people had managed to break through the cold outer layer of her personality (like Sasha, who’s might as well have gone through it with a war hammer) it always seemed to Jean that there as hidden sadness behind her eyes, a brake of sorts that didn’t allow her to express herself to the fullest.

“Let’s go to the balcony,” she said, pulling his sleeve. “Bring beers.”

Jean almost -almost- felt bad for Reiner’s father as they walked along the balcony. Trost had skyscrapers aplenty, but very few had a perfect look of the suburbs and mountains, and very few had an infinity pool with a hot tub included. The place must’ve costed a fortune. He could almost see his own neighborhood from this height.

They found a set of unoccupied pillowed seats at the corner, far from Reiner’s infinity pool, and sat there to watch the city in silence.

“I live there,” Mikasa said after a while, pointing south to a cluster of colorful buildings. “It’s the big tall one, with the red lights.”

“Ah, party town,” Jean said. He and Marco had tried to find a place there, but the rent had been astronomical, given its strategic location near the universities and clubs. “Was it a big change from the suburbs? That’s where you grew up in, right?”

“It was a huge change from my uncle’s house,” she said, her eyes set on the red building, amused at some memory Jean wasn’t aware of. “He was grossed out when he visited last year.”

“College neighborhood isn’t for him?”

“He said it was too dirty,” Mikasa said, sighing. “Although I’m sure he was terrified at the number of teenagers that threw themselves at him. He said I was to visit him from now on.”

Jean giggled at that. “Girls threw themselves at Levi?”

“Apparently he’s got something that makes university students go crazy.” Mikasa said, making a disgusted noise. Jean laughed again; Levi had been their teacher in middle school. How any college girl found him so appealing, he didn’t understand.

“Well, at least you can have fun in that neighborhood.” Jean said.

Mikasa made another disgusted noise. “I was only there because Eren suggested it. It was too loud for my liking. Too many creeps on the streets. And the rent is too high.”

“How did you guys manage to afford that? I mean, Eren and Armin aren’t precisely rich,” Jean said, covering his mouth as soon as he realized what he’d blurted out. “I’m sorry, Mikasa! I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s okay,” Mikasa said, shaking her head in amusement. “Eren’s brother paid for most of the rent. He works in Marley and sent him money.”

She finished with a sigh, setting her eyes on the floor for a second before taking a sip of her beer. When she turned to look at him, Jean recognized annoyance in her eyes. “Now that he’s gone, Zeke stopped paying for that big chunk of the rent.”

“And Armin moved in with Annie,” Jean finished saying.

“And I’m in that huge place all by myself,” Mikasa said, taking another sip from her bottle. “Scraping my bank account to pay utilities, taking any modeling job that comes up besides working at Sasha’s restaurant, two months behind on rent.”

“Did Sasha offer you money yet?” Jean asked, recalling all the times their friend had tried to hand him checks for his rent.

Mikasa smiled. “A couple of times. But I don’t want to be a burden to her. As good as the restaurant is doing, having her own business can be tricky. One bad luck streak and she’ll be needing that money she offers me.”

“What about a roommate?”

“Nobody I know can afford rent there. I don’t want to disturb Niccolo and Sasha, and Levi has plenty on his plate. And it’s impossible to find a place this late in the year,” Mikasa said, sighing tiredly again. “Do you know how close I am to modeling underwear? A man in this shady company offered me so much money for nudes the other day—”

“Move in with me.” Jean blurted out, and his words were followed by excruciatingly long minutes. Mikasa rested her back against the seat, scrutinizing him with those perfect, serious eyes. “I don’t mean in a weird way. I mean, my rent is much less than yours must be. But ever since Marco left, it’s been harder to afford it on my own. I could use a roommate, and all the people I’ve interviewed were weirdos.”

“Won’t Marco be angry?” Mikasa asked politely. “Won’t he be upset that a girl is living with you?”

Jean smiled. “We’re not together anymore.”

“No?” She said, looking genuinely surprised. “Why? What happened? I thought—”

“Neither wanted a long-distance relationship, or had the money to afford one,” Jean explained, surprised at the lack of pain in his words when he spoke of what had happened. Perhaps, the exhaustion throughout the year had forced his heart to get over a heartbreak quickly.

“Besides,” Jan added, arching his eyebrow in her direction. “I know for a fact that hizuran people are beautiful. I couldn’t deny him having fun over there. So, we decided to stay as friends.”

Mikasa smiled, and Jean blushed. “You’re a good friend.”

“I’m not,” Jean replied, leaning back against his seat as well. “I had no idea about you and Eren. You’re our friend since high school, and I had no idea you’d gotten your heart broken too this year. So, I’m not that good of a friend.”

Mikasa rested her hand at her sides, her pinky almost touching his, leaning back to catch sight of the night sky. “You’re in no obligation to carry anyone’s pain, Jean, let alone mine.”

“What do you mean? You’re my friend.”

“I know. We are friends,” Mikasa said quickly, as if noticing the hint of pain her previous words had caused in him. “What I mean is…I knew it was going to happen. I saw the change in Eren. I knew he wouldn’t want to stay put. He was more in love with the idea of freedom than with me. I should’ve ended it a long while ago. So, no need to carry pain that was dragged on for no purpose.”

“And you didn’t want to go with him?”

Mikasa thought about it for a moment. He could hear Reiner and that Pieck girl singing at the top of their lungs inside, as well as Connie’s laughter. And yet, all his mind was set on was her, how her eyes focused on his as she spoke every word, how a bit of lipstick had smudged on the edges of her mouth due to their drinking. Jean had always been aware of Mikasa’s beauty, but he hadn’t been truly enthralled by it in a very long time.

“I don’t think I would’ve gone,” she said at last. “I love the island. I love my home. I want to have a peaceful life here, grow old here. I like seeing new places, but I don’t want to spend my life wandering. He did.”

Jean nodded, understanding her fully. All he’d ever dreamed of was a nice house in the inner districts, alongside the wife -or husband- of his choosing.

“Besides,” Mikasa said with a quiet laugh. “He never asked me to come.”

“What a fucking idiot.”

Mikasa blinked in surprise. “I’m not mad at him, Jean. You don’t need to be in my behalf.”

“I’m not mad on your behalf,” Jean said, shaking his head, a deep crease forming between his eyebrows, feeling all of that frustration he’d had towards Eren in high school come back in full. “What kind of idiot do you have to be to break the heart of someone like you?”

“Someone like me?”

“You’re fucking amazing!” Jean said, shocked by the confusion in her face. “Mikasa, you’re gorgeous, smart, strong. You can lift a whole hundred pounds without breaking a sweat…who would want to break your heart?”

Another chuckle escaped her throat, and she gave him a look that he could only describe a sweet. “Thank you,” she said, tilting her head to the side. “My heart was breaking the whole last year we were together, though. I guess in a way, him leaving helped me heal.”

“I hope he falls into a pit.” Jean muttered, then shook his head. “No, I hope I fall into a pit, for not noticing you were hurting before.”

“You had your thing with Marco moving away,” Mikasa replied. “If anything, I was the jerk for not helping you like Connie and Sasha did. I was too focused on trying to force Eren to be happy with me.”

“Still, I should’ve helped.”

“You’re helping now,” Mikasa replied, lifting her pierced eyebrow. “You’re letting me be your roommate, aren’t you?”

Jean took a deep gulp of his beer before speaking. “So, you are taking up on my offer?”

“Yes,” Mikasa said, setting her eyes on the section of town in which he lived in. “If you take up on my offer.”

“Which is?”

“The agency wants a couple male models,” she said, elbowing him playfully. “I heard from Sasha how you’re killing yourself at that part time. This money won’t be great, I do warn you, but it will be better, and you’ll have more time to study.”

The color traveled to his cheeks yet again. “I-I’m not a model, Mikasa.”

“No need to be modest, Kirstein,” she said, scrutinizing him again, her gaze sensing a shock of electricity across him. “I saw you on that beach trip we did. You’ve got nothing to envy from the models.”

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, and Jean’s mind became a storm. Had she just told him she found him attractive? No, it couldn’t be. She’d just said he had nothing to envy from male models. But that was just a creative way to call someone hot, wasn’t it? She had no reasons to call him hot, however.

“Jean, I think—”

“Niccolo!” Sasha’s shouted drunkenly, startling the two in their seats. It wasn’t until they turned in her direction that Jean realized how close their faces had been to each other.

“Alright, alright. Do it again.” Niccolo laughed, sounding quite drunk himself. Sasha grabbed her shirt and tightened it around her waist, showing him her bloated stomach.

Niccolo giggled. “It’s adorable! It does look like you’re pregnant,” he said between snorts. “How many garlic buns did you eat back there?”

“Why are you calling your baby a garlic knot, Niccolo?!” Sasha half-laughed, half cried, only causing Niccolo to laugh harder. They were soon on the floor, struggling to catch their breath because of their laughter, and Jean was grateful for the protective mesh at the edge of the balcony.

“They’re drunk.”

“They’re high.” Mikasa said, casting a glance inside. “Ymir and Historia are here.”

“No wonder they’re high.” Jean chuckled. Historia wore a beautiful pink dress, looking as happy as ever with Ymir’s hands around her waist. Ymir, as always, wore a dark suit. As always, she was more focused on kissing Historia’s neck than the conversation around her. They’d been inseparable since their wedding, and from the sparkling necklace around Historia’s neck, Jean supposed their business was growing well.

Mikasa grabbed his sleeve. “Do you want to go get some?”

“You smoke that stuff?” Jean asked, wondering when he’d smoked anything last.

“Not really.” Mikasa admitted, looking at Sasha laughing on the floor while placing a thousand drunken kisses on Niccolo’s forehead. “It looks like they’re having fun, though.”

“We could do it to celebrate,” Jean said, shrugging. “You know, each of just found a good roommate and we might not be as broke from now on.”

“You are sure about the roommate matter?” Mikasa asked, frowning. “You’ll have to take a few visits from my uncle.”

“I’ll cope.” Jean said, looking at Niccolo and Sasha. “Are you sure? What if Eren returns and gets mad?”

Mikasa rolled her eyes. “He can get as mad as he wants. I won’t care.” She said, and from her tone of voice , Jean knew she was done talking about Eren for the time being. She looked more annoyed at the inconveniences that Eren had caused her than heart broken. Perhaps, the exhaustion had forced her to get over a heartbreak quick, as well.

Jean offered her his hand. “Shall we, my lady?”

“You’re still an idiot,” Mikasa said, intertwining her arm with his. “Thank you, by the way.”

“No, thank you,” he said, using his other hand to take their bottles. He offered one to her and lifted his own. “Toast? For roommates?”

“For roommates.” Mikasa said. Their bottles clang together, their sound foretelling a change of wind for the two, perhaps.

______________________

Gabi walked along the bookstore holding onto Falco’s arm. She and her mother spent summers with her cousin Reiner in the island. And despite this being her fifth year visiting him and despite the luxuries of his apartment, she missed him terribly each time she left. So, she clung to him before and after her journeys, enjoying their time together as if it were a treasure.

“Want to get an ice cream afterwards?” He asked.

“The place by the zeppelin museum?” Falco nodded in response, and Gabi smiled widely. “Alright, then. But it’s my treat this time.”

“Let me buy the comic books this time, at least,” he said, pulling out a book with a few giants on the cover. “This looks good, doesn’t it?”

Gabi frowned at the sight of the naked giants. “I hate historical fiction.”

“It’s not like titans were real, Gabi,” Falco said, running through the pages. “This is mostly political-oriented. See? They even consulted a historian from Paradis to write it.”

“Hey, I know her!” Gabi said excitedly, looking at the picture of the main consultant from the work. “She’s the head of the anthropology museum at the island. She’s Reiner’s friend.”

“Is she?” Falco said, his eyes wide as he stared at the picture of Mikasa, who wore a fancy pantsuit and had her hair up in a ponytail. Unlike at the parties, her make up in this was formal, no bright pink lipstick, no dark eyeshadow. “She’s really pretty, isn’t she?”

“Falco!” Gabi said, then took a second look at the picture. “You’re right, she’s really pretty. Her husband is a lucky guy. He always says it himself.”

“Oh, she’s married?”

“Yeah, she married a friend of hers, I think. It was a late spring wedding, so I didn’t get to go. They’ve got a baby on the way and everything,” Gabi said, scrunching up her nose. “He’s friends with Reiner too, but I can’t recall the guy’s name.”

“Gabi, you see those people every summer,” Falco said, his kind face showing a slight hint of repeoach. “You should at least learn their names.”

“Reiner has way too many friends for me to remember,” Gabi replied, not wanting to admit that she did need to be a little more polite to them. “I do remember he had a bit of a horse face.”

“A horse face?” Falco said, horrified. “This woman here married a guy with a horse face?”

Gabi smiled amusedly. “She seemed quite smitten by him. Every time I go and they’re there, they’re always all lovey dovey. Kissing, hugging, they can’t keep their hands off each other,” she said, tilting her head to the side with a flirty smile. “Besides, it was just a nickname. The man is handsome, and taller than most guys, too.”

“Gabi, don’t talk so kindly about married men.” Falco said, closing the magazine with his cheeks flushed. Although his expression caused her own smile to grow wider.

“Are you jealous?” She teased, then placed a fleeting peck on his lips. “You’re way more handsome than horse face. And, you still have more years to grow. I’m sure that you’ll be taller than him by when we get married.”

“Gabi!” Falco said, flushing harder.

[arcadialedger]

How Catra and Zuko have been saving me lately: A (sort of) meta

A very long, personal post under the cut. This is really important to me, and I could really use some support, so if you could take the time to read and reblog that would be greatly appreciated. I just want to reach out.

Once again, please PLEASE read. I really need help.

Recently, I’ve found myself desperately latching onto the characters of Zuko and Catra, as many have in the past. To put it simply, I’m in one of the most difficult times of my life right now.

I’m transferring colleges because I was doxed by an online hate mob (long story) , and in general because I just didn’t belong at my old school. I went to three different high schools, moved around a whole bunch, and I don’t really belong anywhere. All of my friends are far away, my parents are busy working and I’m alone.

I just feel like I’m wandering aimlessly in darkness, unloved and unsure where to go. I’m faced with making a huge decision about my future with this transfer, and I’m terrified. Terrified I won’t make the right choice, and terrified it won’t be the newfound happiness I so desperately need it to be. But most of all, I’m terrified of being unwanted and alone again, wherever I go.

I’m used to not being wanted. I’m 4’10, not thin, and have been tossed aside because of my appearance my entire life. I’m 20 years old and haven’t been kissed (how pathetic is that). I moved schools and stayed in my room depressed because I never got to lay down roots and establish a foundation. Hell, I never even got to live as a teenager. I’m just behind and broken.

I was hoping Tumblr would be my place, where I could write and analyze and showcase my talents. Be wanted for once. For a while, it looked like it might be. Then a friend blocked me and made a callout post, due to me having a different opinion on a sensitive matter, and a domino effect began. I lost more friends and half of the fandom we’re both in blocked me seemingly at their word. I had featured this friend on an episode of my podcast at, had many fond memories chatting with them, and even bought a zine to support them. The loss hurt, and I was cut off from one of the few things I had. It was all taken away from me. My growth halted as I dealt with months of online abuse: including death threats, suicide baiting (these people knowing I’ve struggled with being suicidal), aphobic slurs (knowing I’m ace), mocking and editing images of my face. My Twitter was hacked, I lost podcast deals with creatives who my friends who blocked me and started all of this went on to interview because of said hacking, and I was threatened to be doxed. I suffered blow after blow while the people who hurt me grew and were rewarded, allowed a place here, and this continues to this day. The damage remains. I have to self reblog a whole bunch to get my content remotely seen in the algorithm.

Because my entire life, it feels I’ve never been allowed a win. I’ve never been allowed to have and keep anything good. I’m short and ugly, talentless with nothing to give to the world, my family has no money so I haven’t gotten to travel or experience a lot of things. I’ve spent my entire life envious of the “hot skinny girls” who’ve been wanted and dating since high school, who live in McMansions and get to go on vacations.

When I work to make good content on Tumblr and build a following talking about what I’m passionate about? It’s taken from me. When I work hard to get into my old college’s honors program and earn a trip to Greece which I could otherwise never afford, a global pandemic comes along and makes sure I don’t get that kind of positive experience in life.

I’m used to it all, being worn down and unwanted and losing. I’ve gone my entire life behind, lesser, and not enough.

And that’s why I’m so scared. I have a big decision to make, I’m at my own crossroads, and I desperately need all of this to come together for me this year. I’ve gone so long without happiness and love. I need this to be the light at the end of the tunnel, newfound happiness. I need to find newfound happiness. All I want is to escape the darkness, find peace of mind and function day to day doing the things I love without being stressed.

So when I see Zuko— so angry at the world for being given the short stick, abused, and never making things easy, and Catra— driven mad by comparison and feeling as though the world takes away everything from her? Gosh, I feel it so hard.

Because that’s just what I do. I get angry at the world for making things so hard for me. I compare. I feel like the world just takes and takes and never gives me a win. And so I’m never happy. I feel their pain and loneliness so deeply, and I’m terrified that I’m the villain because of it. I cry at the anguish and self loathing in their eyes because I have been there. I AM there. 

Like Zuko comparing to Azula, I feel lesser because the world has constantly told me I am so. I feel cheated and given the short end of the stick, as though life has it out for me. I get angry and lash out from my pain.I’m desperate for validation from people who can never give it to me. I’m so scarred from my past, I can’t believe I have a future. 

Like Catra, I’m always left behind. I’m lonely and driven mad by the unfairness of the world. It takes and takes until I’ve lost it all, but it never gives. I’m so afraid of losing anyone and anything else, I refuse to let anyone in. Because why would I deserve love? There’s nobody who wants me, no purpose for me on this world. I’m nothing, just constantly chasing an impossible goal of perfection to justify my existence. 

“You drive them away, wildcat”

Yeah, I know their hurt. I know what it all feels like. To be that broken, that insecure, that left behind and unwanted. The punching bag of fate. These characters suffering is so much of my own.

And that’s why they’re the only thing to give me hope.

Seeing them be where I am now, and where they end up, I allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, that can be my future. That I’ll get a happy ending. It gives me the courage to believe that what I’m so desperately striving for can happen. 

Zuko standing up to his father and forging his own path in life, which leads him to a better place as he finds his destiny and happiness after so many years of torment. We both have scars-- if he can overcome his, why can’t I?

Catra, after so many years of struggle, taking agency over her life back from those to abused her, and finally learning to accept the love of those around her. Opening up to pain and rejection and ultimately being forgiven. Catra felt so lonely, unable to see the love around her-- maybe I’ve been doing the same thing. Maybe I’ll find the strength to take my life into my own hands and find my own love.

It’s so empowering, a flicker of light in what feels like eternal darkness. I am so worn out and broken. I’ve never had love, or learned to love myself. In the real world, it is find to find hope.

It is only in these characters, who have felt my pain and found their way to a better place, that I find comfort.

I am one of so many who have been touched by these characters arcs, and they are one of the purest examples of why stories are important. Why the emotions narrative can evoke are important. It is not only escapism, it opens up a door to critical self introspection that can make a real difference in our lives. It holds up a black mirror of our lives, providing an outside view of our deepest, darkest emotions and struggles which can be so hard to understand when they’re inside. 

These characters, and their stories: insecurity, abuse, doubt, comparison, chasing validation, just wanting to find your purpose in life and happiness-- they are the stories of life, stripped down to it’s rawest emotions. 

There is power in redemption. There is power in rising from the bottom. 

As I said in my last post about Catra and Zuko:

“Their stories: being angry at the world, driven mad by comparison and a need for validation, making wrong choices, processing trauma, needing help but being too scared to open up and accept it, feeling as though they don’t deserve love or forgiveness, fighting to restore and maintain valued relationships, convincing themselves they’ve lost it all, feeling conflicted or confused, realizing what they thought they wanted isn’t fulfilling and hasn’t brought happiness, escaping years of mental conditioning which told them they were worthless, not seeing the love they have right before them, constantly fighting uphill for a life which seems to throw everything it can at them… Well, isn’t that just the most human story of all? And so their redemptions give us hope.”

I have been so lost and lonely for so long, and now I’m at a crossroads. I’m so scared to believe that this change, this new path, can lead to a better place, but these characters? They give me strength to. They give me faith.

This has been a rambling post of feelings, and I am thankful to anyone who has read this far. I’m just so tired of feeling this way, and needed to reach out and share this. If you are also feeling this way, know you are not alone. You are so very far from alone.

I just really don’t want to feel unwanted and unloved, like I don’t belong, anymore. I want to have a place here. I probably sound desperate because I feel that way. I don’t know how else to cry out for help other than sharing this.

 If anyone wants to message or send asks about this, please feel free to do so. I want, and very much need, to talk. 

[lacrimaomnis]

BRF Reading, 5/8/2021 (Part 2)

The cards were drawn around yesterday (4/8) afternoon my time, around 4-5pm.

This is the second spread I drew on the same question I asked a few nights ago. The first part can be found here.

As written, this is merely a speculation and therefore must be taken with a grain of salt. This speculation is not true until proven otherwise.

My question is, how would August be probably like for the BRF as a whole?

Cards drawn: The Devil, Ten of Cups, The Empress, Eight of Wands, The Sun, The World, Ace of Wands Underlying energy: The Magician

Remarks/Comments: Again, five of the eight cards are major arcana cards. This seems to reinforce that this month we will perhaps be seeing an unexpected change, or that this is a very important question for us all who follow the BRF. This is probably one of the more difficult readings I've done recently. The entire reading was rather shaky because the cards were difficult to grasp, but the energy was, more or less, the same as the previous reading: the family was stuck, unable to move forward.

Summary: This month, the BRF will once again have to deal with the Harkles and their shenanigans, but we might also be getting news of pregnancy.

First card: The Devil. This is the card of base instinct, bondage, depression, materialism, lust, temptation, basically everything that restrains you from living up to your full potential. He is a card of inner force, as opposed to external forces, as this card usually speaks about the limitation within ourselves: fear, addictions, harmful attachments, impulses. Astrology-wise, this card represents a Capricorn person.

I am rather ambivalent as to who or what this card is about in regards to my question, so I decided to ask for clarification three times and the cards just don't seem keen on answering me. I asked about this card and got answered by this card as its own clarifier...welp. Though they do say third time's the charm, and at last, the cards seem to be keen enough to give me an answer.

Clarifier 1: The Moon. This card often appears when we're talking about the Harkles, so this card coming up as the clarifier of The Devil does seem to affirm to me that this card is about the Harkles and their shenanigans.

Clarifier 2: King of Swords. He is the most severe of all Kings. He is intelligent and truthful, he believes in order, systems, and following the rules. He has a tactical mind and a sound judgment, owing to his affiliation to the Swords, the suit of mind and thoughts. This card comes across as the BRF as the institution.

Having been clarified, I think The Devil affirms that this month we will probably see another head-to-head between the Harkles and the royal family. As I pondered over the cards, I also noticed that this card speaks about bondage. While this might be a little bit of a stretch, this card reminded me of the first spread I did on this question: the BRF was in a bit of a tight spot (bound) due to Meghan and her plans for the future. The Devil also signifies that they have the power to break free, provided they are willing to work towards that.

Second card: Ten of Cups. One of the most positive cards in the deck, this card speaks about fulfillment, a happy marriage, home life, prosperity, positivity, and joy. Because this card appears with The Devil, this card suggests that there is some kind of contention and confusion inside the BRF, particularly concerning Meghan and Harry as seen in the first card, which is clarified by The Moon.

Third card: The Empress. This is the card of fulfillment, contentment, creativity, passion, abundance, children, motherhood, and happiness. She is ruled by Venus, the ultimate feminine archetype. Honestly, at this point I am confused -- why are you here? I decided to draw two other clarifiers to this card:

Clarifier 1: The Wheel of Fortune. This is the card of fate, what goes up will go down, new beginnings, and aspects of luck. This card suggests that this month there would be a change of luck, for better or worse, I do not know.

Clarifier 2: Queen of Pentacles. *sigh* Look. The moment I saw The Empress and Ace of Wands in my cards, my thoughts immediately go to "someone is pregnant!". I kind of don't want to say things like this because I don't want to have angry anons come over to my inbox and say things like "you say ____ is pregnant!" or "where's the baby??" or "boo you get my hopes up" because first of all, I don't wave my cards in the air and boom, I make someone pregnant -- this is not how the shit works. Second, who am I, really, to say that there will be pregnancies this month or next month or next year or in ten years? But the Queen of Pentacles had to show up.

Queen of Pentacles is the ultimate motherhood archetype. She is a strong female figure, grounded, motherly, practical, secure, and wise. This card speaks about fertility, wealth, success, nurture, home, happiness, and prosperity. Belonging to the Pentacles, the suit of earth, this card represents someone that is either Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn, and in this reading, I feel this card represents Catherine, a Capricorn, so yes...take what you want of this card.

Fourth card: Eight of Wands. This is the card of travel, movement, speed, haste, and progress, but also about delay and setbacks. Again, this is the same message I saw from my first spread: delay, inaction, being in a tight spot.

Fifth card: The Sun. This card appears as the pair to the Eight of Wands. As The Sun appears twice in my two spreads, this card seems to affirm to me once again that yes, Meghan is the reason why BRF seems to be stuck and delayed, that there is just inaction on their part.

Sixth card: The World. This card is the card of completion, an end of a cycle, and heralds a new phase of life. This card comes as the pair of The Empress, which has been clarified as such, and thus, the energy of this card is the beginning of a new phase in life.

Seventh card: Ace of Wands. This is the card of new beginnings, energy, enthusiasm, wit, movement, and fertility. This card is concerned with the world being fertile for you to plant your ideas but is also concerned with actual physical fertility. This card appears with The Empress and coming after The World, this card particularly drives home the idea that we may be getting the news of pregnancy. I cannot emphasise it enough, all of these are simply possibilities; just because my cards say we will be getting the news of pregnancy this month does not mean that we will actually be getting news of pregnancy.

Underlying energy: The Magician. This is the card of manifestation, focus, goal, learning, studying, and transformation. He is a card of beginnings, carrying with him the same energy as the Ace of Wands. He is associated with the planet Mercury and carries with himself skill, logic, and intellect, implying that this month there will be a manifestation (pregnancy) and that the BRF needs to be on their toes, using their intellect, skill, and logic to navigate through this month.

Conclusion: I honestly dread the day my cards say there would be news of pregnancy or that pregnancy is in the air. But when you have The Empress, the Ace of Wands, The World (and Ten of Cups) in one reading, it's hard to discount that possibility. Then again, this is all simply speculations, and it doesn't mean we will actually be getting news of pregnancy this month.

Overall conclusion: Combining the first spread I did for this question, this month for BRF can be summed up as such: the BRF as a whole is in a bind, in a tight spot due to the Harkles and their shenanigans -- there would probably be another head-to-head between the Harkles and the BRF even if it is not public (minor suits, the King of Pentacles and the King of Wands in my first spread). This month would probably bring about a change or transformation (Death from the first spread) into the family; if Catherine is pregnant, then that transformation would be in form of expectations of a new baby as the family prepares for the arrival of the baby.

[winsmoke]

𝐋𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐘𝐨𝐫𝐤

You and Yuta have both hit a wall in your respective lives. Loneliness seeks comfort.

⊹ 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 2.3k ⊹ 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 english student female y/n x Yuta ⊹ 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 college au, idol au, strangers to lovers au, angst, smut ⊹ 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 drinking, kissing, swearing, unprotected doggy position, unprotected reverse cowgirl position, unprotected missionary position ⊹ 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐬 disclaimer | masterlist

   “Another unfamiliar place with more unfamiliar people,” Yuta murmured to himself while stuffing his slender fingers into the pockets of his straight jacket.

　He had an inexplicable urge to leave his hotel room to wander around the city. Even though he risked a lot of trouble with his managers for a simple stroll, the walk still wasn’t making him feel any better. He had been to New York City several times but it still felt...empty. 

   The more he traveled around the world with NCT 127, the more he realized how small and insignificant he was - an incredibly stupid mentality to have as an idol. Yuta felt like he was always chasing his next high and lately not much was making the cut.

　Performing, practicing, and simple downtime with his members had initially been so fulfilling. That was when he felt like he had something to work towards. It didn’t feel like he was working at all anymore. He didn’t know if he should be more concerned that it was easy faking stability or that none of his friends could recognize his unease. 

   Perhaps that’s why you caught his eye so easily.

　While Yuta restricted his insecurities within his body, your vulnerability stretched across your trembling figure. You were speed-walking to Barnes & Noble, desperate for a gentle relief to get you through the night.

　It was your last year at New York University’s aggressively cutthroat creative writing program. The thrilling environment of competitive writing had engaged you for three years but now you just felt burnt out. You did it all… gotten published, received distinguished awards, and had met your favorite authors but now you’re not so sure of yourself. And with your confidence went your writing stamina. So you decided, after re-writing the ending of your final non-fiction story three times, to run away to the bookstore and read stories from your childhood.

   It wasn’t in Yuta’s nature to talk to strangers so he curiously traced your steps. He was pleasantly surprised when you led him to a bookstore and even more surprised when you eagerly reached for children’s books. After flipping to the first page of The Rainbow Fish, you looked up at the first person you saw, pointed at the paper, and exclaimed excitedly: “Pictures!”

   Having read countless academic papers and various literature throughout the semester without a single picture, seeing such colorful and nostalgic images were putting you in a child-like frenzy.

　Yuta felt his lips twitch uncontrollably. You wore your emotions so shamelessly and he found it to be both terrifying yet charming. You started laughing at yourself, realizing how ridiculous you must look.

   “Sorry, I must seem like I’m on acid or shrooms… I swear I’m intelligent,” you mumbled while hungrily paging through the children’s book. Yuta blinked in confusion. He was good at English but he wasn’t sure what “acid” or “shrooms” was. 

   “I read that when I was a boy,” Yuta said awkwardly, nodding to the book you held. Your ears perked up at his articulation and you looked more closely at the guy standing next to you. 

   “In what language?” you asked, trying to place his accent. 

   “Japanese.” 

   You sat down on the carpeted floor and patted the space next to you. 

   “Issho ni yomimashou.” Let’s read together.

   “Nihongo o shitte imasu ka?” You know Japanese?

   “Just basic stuff,” you said shrugging. “Can I practice with you? Like I’ll try to translate the sentences from this story and you’ll tell what I said wrong?” 

   “Ano… okay?” Umm... 

   Over the next thirty minutes, Yuta was amazed by how comfortable he had become with you. He hadn’t heard Japanese in months; a strange ache lodged itself in his chest when you spoke it so smoothly. He remembered how anxious he had been when he was learning Korean, but whenever you made a mistake your bit your lip not from embarrassment but frustration. You were so foreign yet familiar. 

   “Wanna come over to my dorm? The store is gonna close soon and I want to keep practicing with you,” you asked with your most captivating smile. You were always forward with people, especially those you like and he had certainly caught your eye.

   “I don’t know your name yet and you’re already inviting me home?” Yuta hid the bubbling feeling in his chest with a satisfied smirk.

   “I’m y/n.” 

   “Yuta.”

   “Okay now that we’re no longer strangers, Yuta, would you like to come over?”

   “Yeah,” Yuta breathed. He didn’t care about the repercussions, it had been so long since he actually wanted to do something. And right now he wanted more time with you. 

   While the two of you walked to your dorm, you pointed out your favorite spots and places when you had done some fuck-shit, slipping in and out of English and Japanese. Yuta watched you in amusement, slightly amazed by your brazen tongue and reckless past. He couldn’t quite understand you… you had acted so carelessly before and yet, you always ended your stories by explaining what you had learned. He wasn’t sure if he would call you balanced or chaotic.

   Upon unlocking the door to your dorm, your eyes shot to your opened laptop and you remembered the paper you needed to complete. This was your last story before the semester ended, and it had to be spectacular. But the ending was kicking your ass. Your shoulders immediately sagged and you staggered over to your fridge.  

   “What’s up?” Yuta asked, noticing your deflating figure.

　You grabbed the giant vodka bottle and some cherry soda, your usual liquor and chaser combo. Collapsing onto your bed, you gulped down several mouthfuls of both substances and offered some to Yuta. He mimicked your actions without hesitation.

   “I just…am tired of my life,” you said softly.

　Yuta watched as your face crumbled into distress. He set the bottles carefully on the floor and approached your bed steadily.

　You couldn’t read his expression. No one really could.

   “I’m sorry,” he confessed in a low tone, “I’m not good at consoling people. Or talking in general.” 

   You searched his face. Quite possibly the most handsome and emotionless being you had ever laid your eyes on. You noticed before that his face only portrayed happiness or nothing. If he wasn’t smiling, he wasn’t anything. You, on the other hand, oozed an array of emotions.

   You crawled to the edge of the bed where Yuta stood. You sat directly in front him with him looking down at you, your noses almost brushing.

   “You don’t need to speak,” you whispered. 

   Yuta’s hands glided to the curve of your hip and held you firmly in place. As soon as you spread your legs to bring his body closer, Yuta’s lips found yours. He tasted like the cherry soda, the smell enveloping your senses.

   Yuta pushed your hips back further onto the bed so he could position himself properly in between your thighs. While you continued to explore his mouth, his hands began to roughly grope your thighs through your tights. The thin material felt unusual but alluring against his hands and eventually his nails started to fray the nylon. 

   “Just take them off already,” you snapped, breaking away from the kiss when you realized what Yuta was doing and that this was your last pair of black tights. 

   “You look good in them,” Yuta hummed against your neck, licking and kissing below your ear until you were twitching with need. 

   As soon as he began lifting the edge of his sweater, you slithered out of your clothes while Yuta did the same. You positioned your legs for missionary position but Yuta nudged your hip to indicate his desire for you to flip over. 

   “Fine,” you grumbled.

　You already knew your thighs would give out in a few minutes but you let your body be maneuvered to his liking. He pulled your hips up so you were on your hands and knees and pushed his cock in your pussy.

   “Ummph,” you moaned in satisfaction.

　Yuta pushed your wobbling knees further apart to compensate for his girth, causing you to fall onto your forearms. 

   You pushed your hips back in time with Yuta’s swift thrusts. Yuta closed his eyes and tensed his muscles, completely surrendering himself to pleasure. The syrupy sounds of his dick slipping in and out of you echoed in your small room. 

   Although your stamina was quickly depleting, Yuta’s unyielding grip on your hips forced you to continue your movements. Impatient with your decelerating speed, he eventually just held your ass in place to maximize his pace, his balls slapping against your ass with every stroke.

   “You gonna make me do all the work?” Yuta breathed in your ear, pulling your torso up so he could grip your boobs properly. You shivered slightly, impossibly more aroused by the feeling of Yuta’s hardened chest against your back.

   “If you don’t plan on cumming while I’m in control don’t ask for me to take over,” you warned, getting your shit together to not stutter. 

   “Can you make me come?” Yuta challenged, purposefully fingering your clit while continuing to hit you from the back. You rolled your eyes.

   “Please. I could make you cum in three minutes tops. You won’t be getting any pretty little moans out of me.” 

   Yuta groaned and shoved you away. Propping himself on your pillows, he gestured towards his erect dick, still moist from your juices. 

   “Sit. Impress me,” Yuta instructed. 

   Eye contact was not the move for tonight. His look infiltrated you further than his dick could, you felt psychologically naked under it. 

   So you sat facing away from him, with your legs folded on either side of his legs. You nimbly gyrated down on his cock, clapping your cheeks together whenever your thighs needed respite. Yuta reached out to grope your quivering ass but you would stop completely to slap his hands away. 

   “Fuck,” Yuta moaned, unconsciously rolling his hips up to try to cram himself impossibly deeper. You were not gonna lie, this boy’s dick was stretching you and you had been aching from the beginning but that didn’t matter. You both needed a release and sore thighs weren’t going to stop you.

   “Let me be on top,” Yuta growled after you slapped his hands away again.

   “Dignity dented? It’s only been a minute,” you huffed out, just barely closing your mouth in time before a moan could escape.

   “Kinda hard to pull out if you’re on top of me,” Yuta said in a pleading tone. You could tell he was close. 

   “I’m on birth control,” you panted.

　Your abdomen was completely tightened, the coil in your stomach beginning to unravel. You blinked rapidly to bat the sweat from your eyes, you were starting to get dizzy from the intense fucking.

   “I want to look at you when I come,” Yuta begged.

　He surprised himself with his honesty. This whole time, you two had been avoiding each other’s eyes but now that the climax was drawing near, and your encounter was coming to a close, he wanted to see your face. You slowed down your hips, contemplating whether you should just let him cum down your throat or turn around. 

   Screw it. You thought and maneuvered your body so you were straddling him properly. You looked down at him, slightly transfixed by his impressive body. It was the first time you two looked at each other naked. 

   Your hair had fallen out of the ponytail long ago, it circled your flushed face in a way that made you look more captivating to Yuta. He held back the urge to cup your cheeks. 

   You lowered your body onto his and moved your hips sensuously around Yuta’s dick. You didn’t feel like fucking anymore, you just wanted tender sex to try to elongate this as much as possible. You didn’t want to admit this was a one-night stand and soon he would be gone. 

   Yuta seemed to understand your thoughts and caressed your body as if you were worth something to him. Even though you both had slowed dramatically, your bodies were ready for relief.

   “What if I want to hear your pretty moans,” Yuta whispered, effortlessly flipping you below him. His brown eyes were a pool you were drowning in. You weakly smiled and gave in to his request, allowing your low moans to spill from your lips, but not before you closed your eyes. In return, he whined into your collarbone, licking everything he touched. 

   His simple grinding had been enough for you both to reach your limits. Before coming, Yuta couldn’t resist one last kiss, this one much rawer than the first. But instead of relief he just felt lonely all over again. Now that it was over, now what? 

   “I guess you have to go now,” you said, heartache written all over your face. How was it possible that you got so attached to this guy you had just met an hour ago? 

   Yuta fished his phone out of his jeans pocket and groaned looking at all the missed calls and texts. They were flying out early in the morning for their next tour stop and the managers and members were flipping their shit trying to contact him. But when he looked back at you with an expression that mirrored his feelings, he knew he couldn’t leave without being honest for once.

   “I haven’t been this happy in a long time,” Yuta revealed hesitantly. “I-I want – no – need to see you again.” 

    You licked your lips, deliberating his words. He seemed genuine. You traced his flushed lips with your pointer finger, trying to memorize the sensation. 

   “I’m an open book,” you smiled widely. “Read me whenever you want.”

[fiftysevenacademics]

It’s been quite a year, that’s for sure.

2021 felt like it was about three decades long. But also, like it flashed by in the blink of an eye. I am tired beyond belief, both physically and creatively. There’s a lot of talk right now about burnout and I think most of it is BS but maybe that’s really what’s going on. I worked hard this year, both on my personal life and at work. I broke a very bad habit I’ve been trying to break for a long time and developed some new, really healthy ones, but it hasn’t been easy.

Sometimes I remember to be gentle on myself and remember that big changes to your life can leave you feeling a little bereft at first, like you don’t have any future anymore or anything to make you happy. But that feeling will pass if you can just stick to your new life and new habits long enough. Back in the spring and early summer, I was flying high, so happy, proud of what I’d accomplished, sleeping better than I have in the past 20 years. I’m at the low point of this right now though. 

The excitement of finally finding a way out of something that has been a problem for too long has given way to the routine of life without a problem that had insinuated itself into so many facets of my life that it’s easy to feel empty, lost, or depressed. Historically, when I reach this point, I backslide into the old bad habits but this time, I am not. I feel so proud of myself for this. But I also remember how happy I was just a few months ago and wonder what went wrong. Hard to remember this is probably part of the process and I need to stay the course. All the guilt and stress around the Holidays makes it worse.

My goal for 2022 is to totally recharge, to find a way to feel happy, develop a vision or goal for the future, and feel creatively fulfilled. Take this process to the next level. Next week is my last week of work for 2021-- am taking two full weeks off. I hope I can use the time to really rest my entire soul.