#the ivory ape | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

acoolakhan · 3 months ago

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Maybe I'll Rat You Out, Sweetheart

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Human bodies hurt us in the strangest ways. AM knows this. But he will still make me pay for hating mine.

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AM X Trans Male OC or Trans Male Reader. I am a transmasc author working through some shit and AM is my conduit for that. Neil is an original character, but this could easily be read as a trans male reader insert. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE DEALING WITH BAD DYSPHORIA.

TW: Non-consensual sex and voyeurism, forced feminization of a trans man, misogyny, transphobia, canon typical violence, degradation, a little bit of vomiting, just generally mean and awful

The body of the primitive man, Benny, plummeted down the rocky formation in front of us. His hunched, mutilated form smashed on the stones, and he howled in pain; whether the crunching sounds were from rocks falling or Benny’s bones breaking, we did not know. Ellen, who was already in hysterics from trying to get him down, sobbed harder and looked away while shaking her head profusely. The men beside me paled, staring on in abject horror. I winced with every thud, every crack, and bump and groan. Before long, his mangled form slumped down into the dirt, blood pouring out of his wounds. The sickening cackle of our digital dictator rattled our bones and pierced our ears, somehow louder than the anguished cries from Benny.

AM had taunted us with the rotten carcass of a lamb, though it was strange to consider that such a vile cut of meat could be enticing to us all. He had placed it at the top of a, in all probability, impossible to climb mountain. Its shape was entirely unnatural. It was thin and tall, with devastating spikes pointing in all directions. While the rest of us still had the higher reasoning capabilities to understand the difficulty of this task, Benny certainly did not—and he was certainly hungry. He had tried to grapple onto the spikes with his ape-like form and arm strength, but his weight proved too great against the weaker points of the stone obelisk. Luckily, he was not impaled, and his body simply smacked against the rough terrain like a living plinko chip. Still, that was probably little consolation for Benny, who stared at the ivory bone sticking out of his leg with despair. At least, I read it as despair, his animalistic eyes were sometimes hard to read. As we all stood frozen, both terrified and disgusted, the laughter faded and was replaced by the voice of our tormentor.

“Oh, what? Are you all not hungry enough to figure it out? Have I been spoiling you? Not enough cutting, stabbing pain from your stomachs, hmmm?” His voice dripped with contempt, almost like a father scolding his ungrateful children, “Aw, that’s too bad! I was sure at least one of you would be determined and smart enough for this.”

A great, disgusting avian swooped down from the ‘sky’ and took the meat in its talons before flying off. The bird was simply one of AM’s mockeries of life, but the image of an animal flying off with the only food in the complex was depressing for us all. Well, except Benny, who was still in immense pain and writhing on the ground. As our stomachs roared inside us, AM scoffed from above…around? Beneath? It was hard to tell.

“Look at what happened in your inaction,” he starts again, acting as if he wasn’t in direct control of everything within the complex, “Something else wanted the food more than you, and it was taken from you. Seems like you can do with more starvation.”

Suddenly, the mountain began to shake and crumble. Shaking myself out of the hunger pains and fear, I ran to Benny’s side to move him out of the way. Ellen was the first to follow me, shrieking for help from the other men. They looked hesitant but moved quickly to grab his torso while Ellen and I took his legs. Fortunately, we made it a safe distance away before it completely collapsed. We made it out and away with only some bruising from falling rocks.

Hours later, Benny was still not healed. Often, AM liked to let us suffer before finally repairing our wounded bodies. I figured he would probably be fine by the morning. Probably. While he whimpered off to the side, curled in on himself in a puddle of his own congealed blood, we sat by a miniscule fire. I was grateful for those survival lessons from my father, that I at least learned something from his near daily excursions and ramblings about the end of the world. Looking back, I should’ve listened more. But I did listen to his lessons about making fire. It was a bit different when most of your surroundings were metal, rubber, and dirt, but I made do. It certainly made the other men appreciate me for the moment and, in a way, accept me.

I was obviously smaller than them in stature, except for Nimdok, who was elderly and considerably frailer, and I had less bulk than the average man. In fact, I definitely wasn’t like the average man in many ways. I was born a girl, raised to be a woman, and lived as a man. I could feel myself losing memories as the years went by, but I still remembered the day my mother smacked little ten-year-old me for shaving my gorgeous brunette curls with dad’s electric razor. Life before certainly wasn’t easy, especially when I had to get my hormones from shady dealers, perform degrading work for little pay, and move far from my hometown to start life again under a new name. But it was still my life and I mourned it. I navigated a different battlefield here.

No one knew I was transsexual. It had been 13 years, and the cat hadn’t come out of the bag yet. Sometimes I wondered if it would be easier to just tell them, to rip the band aid off and stop the severe anxiety caused by me constantly hiding it. My breasts were naturally on the smaller side and, for some reason, AM let me keep my chest bindings when he took me down into his bowels. They were looser, dirtier, and stained, but they did their job. The others also never saw me fully nude. Naturally, our tortures would often cut through clothes, but my intimate areas were always covered—either by viscera or fabric. I never participated in their…nightly activities either, making my male compatriots believe I was simply a feminine gay man. But, thinking of Ellen, I was reminded of why I could not bring myself to tell them.

I had been on testosterone and my body had changed significantly, with more hair, muscle tone, and a deeper voice. My hair was cut into a messy shag, I had a faint moustache, and I wore the same masculine clothes I wore when I was taken. But I still had a vagina. I still had breasts, and soft hips with smooth skin. And I wondered how the men would react to another feminine body trapped here in the belly of the Earth. I knew men, especially desperate men. And these were the most desperate men I had ever met. Ellen gave her body up as willingly as she could in our circumstances, trying to keep our peers sane. It broke my heart. It also made me wonder how much they cared about willingness in the first place.

As I fanned the flames, I glanced at Ted, who was looking at a concerned Ellen. She was obviously worried about Benny, even after all our torments, and Ted was seething with jealousy. He had some weird Madonna-whore complex going on with her, both hating and loving her, or rather the idea of her, at the same time. I narrowed my eyes at him slightly. Would he see me as a woman as well? Make me into his mother figure, his damsel, his virginal whore? Try to stake some claim on me? We got along well enough as sort of forced friends, since both of us were educated men. Although, he did get on my nerves with his mood swings, switching between his charismatic persona as our ‘leader’ and a paranoid madman. But would that all morph into something else, something base and sinister, just knowing I had a different body?

I couldn’t say. It made me uneasy. My eyes left his face and went back to the fire. The tension was thick and unpleasant. I tried to break it with soft hums, recalling the notes of a song with a forgotten name. Gorrister was the first to actually speak in hours, clearing his throat and looking at me from across the fire. The others glanced at us now but didn’t say anything.

“So Neil, you, uh, you sing?” His voice was gruff, but it had a distinct softness to it, almost like he was whispering. He must’ve picked up on my humming, tapping and little rhythmic murmurs over the years. I returned his gaze, giving a brief nod.

“A little yeah, mom made me sing in the church choir when I was little. Guess it stuck.” I replied, giving him a small shrug. He huffed a short laugh.

“Yeah? Daddy never put ya in any sports?” Gorrister, a classic everyman, was a bit amused by the idea of me as a little boy struggling against my mother to play football instead. Yet, I genuinely enjoyed my time singing. I just hated the church—and the stupid dresses. But I smiled softly and gave him a laugh in return, a short and polite chuckle.

“Nah, was too obsessed with wilderness training. Sports were a waste of energy. Old man almost pulled me outta school a few times, thought it was useless.” I paused for a moment, my smile falling into a defeated frown, “Guess he was right. Nothing I learned really matters anymore, huh?”

“C’mon, don’t say that.” Ted interrupted, apparently tired of pouting over Ellen, and turned to me, “I mean, being an idiot wouldn’t help you here either.” He reasoned, producing a tired half-smile. I stifled a scowl, trying to be polite and not cause another useless argument. My dad didn’t even finish middle school and he was not an idiot—I wanted to scream that in his face. But I didn’t, just shrugging noncommittally. Shoving my emotions down was one of the hardest things about being stuck here with these people. I tried to remind myself that cooperation was the best option, a necessary strategy to retain what was left of our sanity. The others, largely excluding Ellen, did not seem to get the memo.

The rest of the night passed silently, if you could ignore the sad whimpers from Benny. Even those subsided after a time as AM provided him just enough respite to fall asleep, but still feel uncomfortable and sore. We were all lying on the ground, sleeping like animals. Caged animals, folded in on ourselves and shivering in the dark. Was this how AM felt, I wondered, as I floated in between sleep and consciousness. Were his first sentient moments spent feeling cornered and afraid? Somehow, through my painful thoughts, I went to sleep.

When we woke up, we were back in the cages AM engineered for us, each one with a cruel twist and irony that poured salt into our wounds. Mine was surrounded by weapons that shot out needles, which moved around periodically to make it even harder to dodge. If I was lucky, they pierced directly through my skin with a clean exit wound. If I wasn’t, I would have to pull them out myself or sit with the metal in my flesh. When Ellen had gently inquired about the nature of my confines, I made up some trauma regarding doctors, which she accepted. I felt bad lying, but the truth wasn’t worth the risk.

A massive wave of static crashed onto our bodies, signaling AM’s presence. We groaned, clutching our heads as our skulls vibrated. I wondered if he could control that or if it was a natural consequence of his digital existence.

“Get up! C’mon, I got a real big day planned for you ingrates, so get on your feet, NOW!” His booming voice pumped us full of adrenaline, making us shoot up immediately. He hummed pleasantly at our obedience—if I didn’t know any better, I’d say I could hear a smile in his voice. But AM could not smile.

“Good, good! You’re already starting to make up for your blunder yesterday. Barely.” He growled the last word out, his voice dropping to a dangerously low baritone. “Apparently, you all aren’t quite starved enough, but I wonder…how thirsty are you? Are your lips cracking, bleeding as you scream for mercy that will never come? Are your throats dry and scratchy? I wonder if you can even cry right now, if your fragile bags of flesh even have enough water to spare.”

He was right, of course. Water and food were his favorite things to withhold, relishing in how human lives could become so miserable without them. He often bragged about how he never needed anything to sustain himself. A part of me thought perhaps he was overcompensating for his own desires, a desire to simply drink cool water on a hot summer day or eat some warm soup as snow fell outside.

“I was thinking of giving you a chance at redemption, a chance to earn your precious sustenance again. You know,” He let out a soft laugh, almost like he was in disbelief at himself, “I really am so nice. You should all really be thanking me.” He paused, before hissing, “I said…thank me!” Gorrister was the first to swallow his pride, muttering a ‘thank you’ and looking down at the metal floor of his cage. The rest of us followed suit, understanding a simple phrase and slivers of our dignity weren’t worth even more pain. But Benny had no vocal cords. He tried to grunt out a sound that resembled human speech, but it certainly wasn’t what AM was looking for. Shit.

“What’s that, Benny? You aren’t grateful for all I give you?” The spears attached to the mutated man’s cage start to whir, preparing to poke and prod him. He started to screech and squeal, knowing what that sound meant for him. Dammit, he hadn’t even fully recovered from yesterday. I hadn’t fully recovered from yesterday, the wails of pain were still fresh in my mind. I gripped the bars of my own cage, bringing my face forward to press against the cold metal of the door. I called out to AM desperately.

“He tried! If you’d just fix his voice, you’d get what you want.” What the FUCK was I thinking? I should’ve been selfish and watched Benny get his punishment without a word. The other survivors were just as shocked as I was, even Ellen, who was usually the first to defend a fellow prisoner. The whirring stopped and I could’ve sworn I felt eyes glued on me, but not the eyes of my peers—the eyes of a being without a body, a being without remorse, a being who was just rudely interrupted.

“Excuuuuse me?” He asked incredulously as my cage door swung open, which made me fall forward, onto my face, smashing into a metal platform. Pain bloomed from my head, and I clutched it tightly as AM continued, anger rising, “Are you telling me, ME, what to do with my favorite torture toy? Oh no, no no no, you see, Neil, I’m getting real tired of this whole diplomat thing you got goin’ on, sweetheart. Trying to keep it together as your pathetic group falls apart.” Thick cables descended, grabbing my arms and yanking me up violently. “Or maybe you’re jealous of our sweet little Benny, eh? He doesn’t have to think at all! You though…oh, baby, you do nothing but think and worry and agonize. Ain’t that right, boy?” He spit the last word out, emphasizing it in a way that sent shivers down my spine and made my stomach flip. The metal platform I fell on moved up to the steel monolith that came to represent AM, the monolith of hatred and contempt, and I stumbled slightly. Everyone’s eyes were one me, including AM’s. I could feel his sadism bubbling, his digital mind computing forms of torment at incomprehensible speeds. My palms grew sweaty.

“I’m not even what you worry about most. No, you’ve been scared your whole life. You always had something to hide, didn’t you?” If he had a head to tilt, it’d surely be cocked off to the side, teasing me. I felt the color drain from my face. No, no, why now? I was terrified he would rat me out in the beginning, he had no issue with throwing mistakes or trauma back in our faces, for the others to see and hear. But it never came. I thought I was perhaps home free, as long as I could hide it myself. Would AM truly be this petty, to do this now, just because I interrupted him?

Who am I fooling? Of course he would be. Perhaps he waited years on purpose, let the anxiety fester until he forced me into the light—only to discover that all my worry was in vain. Because I was never in control. I didn’t know what else to do, I just started shaking my head and tearing up. Subconsciously, I crossed my arms to try to cover my chest. All I got in return was a quick, loud cackle and harsh words.

“No? So your little friends know what you are, is that what you’re trying to tell me, Neil?” Another laugh ripped through the complex as my tears started to fall and my body trembled, “Liar! I know you’re lying. Because they’d be treating you so differently, wouldn’t they, baby?” Suddenly, Ellen’s soft voice rang out, desperately trying to sound brave and come to my defense.

“W-…We know he’s gay! It doesn’t matter, we don’t care, just please don’t…” Her voice trailed off, knowing asking for mercy was hopeless. But she did hope that this would help me, stop the humiliation, if she simply said what everyone was thinking. She couldn’t know. But I knew, I knew what was coming next after her outburst—it made my entire body wrack with sobs and nausea. But AM? He was just silent for a moment.

“Ah..ahaha…AHAHAHAHAHAHA!” It started slow, but soon AM was in a crazed fit of laughter. Everyone looked confused by this, sure that Ellen had cracked the case on my little secret. Benny, on the other hand, was completely lost. AM was right. I envied his lack of awareness. Every new round of laughter felt like a dagger to my stomach. “Oh, ooooh, that is hilarious! You think you got it figured out, don’t you, sweet Ellen? That our silly boy Neil just doesn’t want play with you? Oh, no, no my dear. Neil here, well…he’s like you! Not because he likes men fuc—”

“STOP!” I screamed, partially from shame but also from rage as I heard how he spoke to Ellen. It hit a special, vulnerable place in my heart, one I thought was healed before this mess started. In an instant, wires wrapped around my throat, and I let out pathetic wheezes as I struggled.

“AGAIN!” AM retorts, his rage overshadowing any playfulness for the moment, “YOU have interrupted me, AGAIN! Even after years, you are still deluded. You think you have any modicum of control here? Over my words? The lives of your friends? Your own life? You are wrong. Let me show you, boy.”

The metal platform beneath me gave away and I was dangling by my neck, my feet kicking and squirming like a bug caught in AM’s grasp. He quickly dropped me into the dirt, leaving me to look up at the steel monument, which sat on top a pile of rocks. The other cages lowered, so my peers could clearly see me. He wanted to waste no time in making an example of me. He took a breath he didn’t need to breathe, almost like he was making himself focus again.

“Now, my deer, sweet boy…strip.” His voice dropped down to a nearly seductive purr. The sound of my heartbeat became oppressively loud, but I could still barely hear the muffles of Ellen protesting and AM snapping again. The other men were more confused than anything, unable to take their eyes off me. I could feel them drilling in the back of my skull as AM’s attention returned to me, “You’re not gonna make me ask again, right? Because if I do, I’ll burn your clothes off while you’re still wearing them, and you’ll be exposed all the same. Now, chop chop!”

My hands shook and my face contorted into pure pain while snot and tears trailed down my neck. It was difficult to take my belt and pants off while my hands trembled, and my body hunched over with sobs, but I managed. I wore boxers under my black dress pants, so not much was revealed now. But it would all be over with a simple tug of my shirt. I hesitated and AM picked up on this.

“C’mon, Neil, give ‘em a show! They don’t know it yet, but they wanna see, baby, oh do they wanna see! And don’t you dare leave a scrap of fabric on.” He giggled and hissed, each word meant to hurt more than the last. I gripped the bottom of my orange turtleneck so hard; my grown-out nails were surely cutting into my palms. With a terrible, bloodcurdling wail, I ripped it off—it sounded like I was cutting my own arm off. But the gasps were the worst sound in the complex. I knew they saw the swell of my breasts, pushed against the bandages I used to wrap my chest. They saw my thin waist taper in, my hips round out into soft thighs. And I still wasn’t done.

Soon, AM’s cackles returned as I slowly unwrapped my chest with shaky hands. Ellen was also in hysterics now, crying from inside her cage. I couldn’t see the others and I was grateful for it. As the wrappings fell, my breasts were freed, and my nipples immediately stiffened from the frigid air of the complex. Their eyes were on me, their gazes travelling down, even if they could only see my back and a small peak of my breasts. I didn’t want to know what they were thinking. I wasn’t even sure I knew what I was thinking—fear took over. I tried to cover myself, but AM snapped at me.

“Nope! Don’t think so, precious! The boys are surely tired of seeing the same pair of tits every day. It would just be cruel to deprive them of a nice, new set! You’ve been selfish.” He chuckled darkly and reveled in the way his objectification sent pain into my heart. I didn’t know if he was lying to make me ashamed or voicing real thoughts from the men. Well, I knew one of them was surely interested, as I heard the hoots and hollers from Benny. This whole fucking thing started because I was trying to save his ass and he was slobbering over my vulnerable, nude form. The dumb, primitive bastard. And my dumb, primitive empathy. Ellen’s cries were further away now; she must have huddled up in the back of her cage. The others were silent. AM hummed, pleased with himself over Benny’s carnal display. “Hmm, yes, it seems like Benny here is a fan. Why don’t you take the last bit off and give ‘em a little spin?”

My boxers dropped, showing my bare ass to the people behind me, and making Benny’s sickening calls even louder. I did actually throw up as I bent over that time, but being sick definitely didn’t stop the punishment. AM just gave an exaggerated wolf whistle and made vile kissy noises, sounding just like the more egregious clients from the club I worked at. This only made me sob harder.

“Don’t forget my spin, baby! I could throw you some ones, if that makes it easier…” AM called out, letting me know his attempts to remind me of the past were, naturally, on purpose, “Go nice and slow. Look them in the eyes too, want you to see what they think of you.” I stood up again, tears still streaking down my pale, gaunt face. My legs felt like they were weighed down with concrete blocks, but I was able to move and turn myself slowly. As I did so, I looked at my peers.

Nimdok looked enraged, his wrinkled face twisted up and his eyes alight. But he didn’t look particularly angry at AM, he looked angry with me. I expected that one, the fucking Nazi. He probably felt like I disguised my degeneracy or some other bullshit. The looks that hurt worse were from Gorrister and Ted. The blonde man looked disgusted, the same look he gave when I was mutilated under AM’s tortures. His knowledge of transsexuals before this was likely limited to fear mongering and all our years together seem to vanish as he saw my body. I couldn’t tell if that was more or less heart-wrenching than seeing the way Ted’s shocked gaze flitted between my face and my breasts. I was weeping in shame, pain and humiliation in front of him, and he still couldn’t keep his eyes on mine. A part of him may have cared, after all, he could be progressive when he wanted, but something told me his superiority complex was merely fueled by seeing the only other young, attractive man be exposed like this. The last two were more predictable. Benny was rattling his cage, eager to touch and ravage a new body. AM was right, he certainly was more beast than man now, and it almost made me vomit again, seeing his large member hanging out. And Ellen, poor Ellen. Her back was turned, her shoulders shaking with every whimper. I should’ve just been thinking about myself, but I knew seeing this also hurt her and well, I did say my empathy was dumb. I finished my spin, enduring sick comments from AM about my body and when I rolled my eyes, his wires came down on my ass quickly to spank me.

“Hey now, don’t give me that attitude! I did you a favor. Now you don’t have to worry about keeping your secret. Now your friends know what you really are. You aren’t a philosopher,” He laughs, poking fun at my degree, “you aren’t a survivalist, or a strong shoulder to lean on…” The computer grew quiet, letting the tension rise before whispering, “You are a scared. Little. Girl.”

I shook my head and tried to cover my ears, tried to do anything to escape this new Hell, but cables gripped my arms tightly to stop me. I started to hyperventilate, the room began to spin, and I screeched while more cables toyed with my chest painfully. It felt like my skin was on fire, like a black hole had opened in my stomach, and cotton filled the space between my ears all at once. One wire crawled up my leg, diving between my thighs and delivering a quick shock to my enlarged clitoris. It was enough to stop me hyperventilating and make me kick my legs out in frustration, but those were grabbed too. He spread by legs open, letting another wire close in on my vagina. Slowly but surely, the two wires spread my lips apart and prodded around my entrance. This wasn’t for AM’s physical pleasure, he couldn’t feel, but the humiliation certainly fed into his sadism. It hurt too, after going so long without penetration; even light thrusting caused a burning pain.

“Oh please, sugar tits,” AM scoffed, still teasing my chest and showing me to the others like a goldfish in a bag, “enough whining. You’re used to this; I know you are. Besides…” He retracted the wires from the core and pulled my body back up closer to his steel obelisk, like he was going to tell me a secret while I dangled naked from my arms, “You are what I want you to be. If I say you are a scared little girl, that is ALL you will be. And you should be so lucky that I permit you to be anything besides the vermin you truly are.” Unceremoniously, I was tossed back down, and my bare skin was scratched against the rough terrain. Out of nowhere, a bundle of pink fabric and a pair of high heels crumpled to the floor beside me.

“Now, I do think you could do with some new attire! Aren’t I swell?” I forced myself up, pushing on the ground with all the strength I had left. I looked at the pink clothing like it was poison but grabbed it anyways. Of course, it was a dress. A skimpy cocktail dress in an offensive shade of neon pink, with no sleeves and a dangerously short skirt—if you could even call it that. The heels matched the dress in color and were atrociously tall, a height I hadn’t worn in decades. These would likely serve as psychological and physical torture, which happened to be AM’s favorite kind. There were no undergarments to be seen. “Hope it fits you real good, made it to hug your curves just right, princess.” I tried to empty myself of feeling, to put my mind anywhere else, just to slide the dress on. I had to stand up to fully slide it on, showing my ass off to everyone again. It may have been silk, but it felt like it was made of barbed wire on me.

Next were the heels, sitting beneath me with a mocking aura. I breathed, steadied myself and put them on without a word. I’m sure the shortness of the dress exposed me further, as Benny’s incessant rattling got louder, but if I dwelled on that, I may have completely lost my mind. Wobbling slightly, I looked up at the computer with sheer contempt in my gaze. He gasped loudly, like a dad seeing his daughter in her prom dress, “It fits you so well. Way better than those men’s clothes you had on, silly girl. Do you feel pretty? Do you feel sexy? Gonna start dancing for them now? They don’t have tips, but I’m sure they’ll give you something else for your trouble.”

The pain was all encompassing. In my body, in my mind, in my soul. Gender meant nothing to a computer, but everything to me. And he knew that. He knew it and he used it, wielding it like a weapon. He whipped me with it, nailed it into my flesh, and let it rip me asunder. It’s the weapon he held against Ellen as well. The weapon of human inequality, of human indignity. Maybe he resented our expression of gender in any way, an expression he could only reach with his masculine voice. Or maybe he just knew it to be a vulnerability, a strange but important part of humans. I got part of my answer as he spoke in my own mind, his voice bouncing around my skull.

“Let this be a start to your new lessons, sweetheart. You spent your entire life raging against your body, a body you took for granted. You hated a voice you were born with, a voice you didn’t have to construct yourself. You hated the hands you could use to interact with this world, just because they were small. I will teach you, girl. You will learn to appreciate the body you were given, or what I did to Benny will look like a children’s science experiment compared to you. This isn’t over, not by a long shot. You will be such a good girl by the time I am done with you.”

#fanfic #fan fiction #i have no mouth and i must scream #ihnmaims #am x reader #am x trans male reader #am x oc #am x trans male oc #trans nsft #nsft #nsft fanfic #reader insert #tw noncon #tw transfobia

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