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lorenfangor · 3 years ago

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I heard that #40 was super homophobic :/ so I skipped it. But now your fic is making me want to give it a try. How problematic is it? Are the characters worth it?

Okay.

Let’s talk about #40.

The plot of The Other (a Marco POV) is that Marco sees an Andalite on a video tape sent in to some Unsolved Mysteries-esque TV show, and he assumes it’s Ax and hauls ass to save him from being captured. Ax, being Ax, has videotaped the show, and they pull it up and Tobias uses his hawk eyes to figure out that it’s not Ax, it’s another Andalite - one without a tailblade. Ax is appalled at the presence of this vecol (an Andalite word for a disabled person) and we find out that he and others of his species have deep ingrained prejudices against at least some kinds of disabled people.

Despite this, Marco and Ax go looking for the Andalite in question because he’s been spotted by national TV, and they meet a second one, named Gafinilan-Estrif-Valad. The vecol is Mertil-Iscar-Elmand, a former fighter pilot with a reputation and Gafinilan’s coded-gay life partner. The two of them have been on Earth since book 1; they crashed their fighters on the planet and have been trapped there thanks to the GalaxyTree going down. Gafinilan has adopted a human cover, a physics professor, and they’ve been living in secret ever since.

Thanks to that tape, Mertil has been captured by Visser Three, and he’s not morph-capable so he can’t escape. Gafinilan wants to trade the leader of the “Andalite Bandits” to the Yeerks to get his boyfriend back; he can’t fight to free Mertil because he’s terminally ill with a genetic disorder that will eventually kill him, and (it’s implied that) the Yeerks aren’t interested in disabled hosts, even disabled Andalite ones. Despite Ax’s ableism, the Animorphs agree to work with Gafinilan and free Mertil, and they’re successful. Marco ends the book talking about how there are all kinds of prejudices you’ll have to face and boxes that people will put you in, and you can’t necessarily escape them even if they’re reductive and inaccurate, but you can still live your life with pride.

So now that I’ve explained the plot, I’m gonna come out the gate saying that I love this book. I love it wholeheartedly, I love Marco’s narration, I love Ax having to deal with Andalite society’s ableism, I love these characters, and as a disabled lesbian I don’t find these disabled gays to be inherently Bad Rep.

that’s of course just my opinion and it doesn’t overshadow other issues that people might have? but at the same time, I don’t like the seemingly-common narrative that this book is all bad all the time, and I want to offer up a different read.To that end, I’m going to go point by point through some of the criticisms and common complaints that I’ve seen across the fandom over the years.

“Mertil and Gafinilan were put on a bus after one appearance because they were gay!”

this is one I’m going to have to disagree with hardcore. I talked about this yesterday, but in Animorphs there are a lot of characters or ideas that only get introduced once or twice and then get written off or dropped - in order off the top of my head, #11 (the Amazon trip), #16 (Fenestre and his cannibalism), #17 (the oatmeal), #18 (the hint of Yeerks doing genetic experiments in the hospital basement), #24/#39/#42 (the Helmacrons’ ability to detect morphing tech), #25 (the Venber), #28 (experiments with limiting brain function through drugs), #34 (the Hork-Bajir homeworld being retaken, the Ixcila procedure), #36 (the Nartec), #41 (Jake’s Bad Future Dream), and #44 (the Aboriginal people Cassie meets in Australia) all feature things that either seem to exist just for the sake of having a particular trope explored Animorphs-style or to feature an idea for One Single Book.

This is a series that’s episodic and has a very limited overall story arc because of how children’s literature in the 90s was structured - these books are closer to The Saddle Club, Sweet Valley High, Animal Ark, or The Baby-Sitters’ Club than they are to Harry Potter or A Series of Unfortunate Events. Mertil and Gafinilan don’t get to be in more than one book because they’re not established in the main cast or the supporting cast, I don’t think that it’s solely got anything to do with their being gay.

“Gafinilan has AIDS, this is a book about AIDS, and that’s homophobic!”

Okay, this is… hard. First, yes, Gafinilan does have a terminal illness. Yes, Gafinilan is gay. No, Soola’s Disease is not AIDS.

I have two responses to this, and I’ll attack them in order of their occurrence in my thought. First, there’s coded AIDS diseases all over genre fiction, especially genre fiction from that era, because the AIDS epidemic made a massive impact on public life and fundamentally changed both how the public perceived illness and queerness and how queer people themselves experienced it. I was too young to live through it, but my dad’s college roommate was out, and my dad himself has a lot of friends who he just ceases to talk about if the conversation gets past 1986 or so - this was devastating and it got examined in art for more reasons than “gay people all have AIDS”, and I dislike the implication that the only reason it could ever appear was as a tired stereotype or a message that Being Queer Means Death. Gafinilan is kind, fond of flowers, and fond of children - he’s multifaceted, and he’s got a terminal illness. Those kinds of people really exist, and they aren’t Bad Rep.

Second off, Soola’s Disease? Really isn’t AIDS. It’s a congenital genetic illness that develops over time, cannot be transmitted, and does not carry a serious stigma the way AIDS did. Gafinilan also has access to a cure - he could become a nothlit and no longer be afflicted by it, even if it’s considered somewhat dishonorable to go nothlit to escape that way. That’s not AIDS, and in fact at no point in my read and rereads did I assume that his having a terminal illness was supposed to be a commentary on homosexuality until I found out that other people were assuming it.

“Mertil losing his tail means he’s lost his masculinity, and that’s bad because he’s gay! That’s homophobic!”

so this is another one I’ve gotta hardcore disagree with, because while Mertil is one of two Very Obviously Queer Characters, he’s not the only character who loses something fundamental about himself, or even loses access to sexual and/or romantic capability in ways he was familiar with.

Tobias and Arbron both get ripped out of their ordinary normal lives by going nothlit in bad situations, and while they both wind up finding fulfillment and freedom despite that, it’s still traumatic, even more for Arbron I’d say than for Tobias. And on a psychological level, none of the main cast is left unmarked or free of trauma or free of deep change thanks to the bad things that have happened to them - they’re no less fundamentally altered than Mertil, even if it’s mental rather than physical. And yes, tail loss is equated with castration or emasculation, but that doesn’t automatically mean Mertil suffering it is tied to his homosexuality and therefore the takeaway we’re intended to have is “Being gay is tragic and makes you less of a man”. This is a series where bad shit happens to everyone, and enduring losses that take away things central to one’s self-conception or identity or body is just part of the story.

Also, frankly? Plenty of IRL disabled people have to grapple with a loss of sexual function, and again, they’re not Bad Rep just because they’re messy.

“Andalite society is confusingly written in this book, and the disability aspects are clearly just a coverup for the gay stuff!”

Andalite society is canonically sexist, a bit exceptionalist and prejudiced in their own favor, and pretty contradictory and often challenged internally on its own norms. In essence, it’s a pretty ordinary society, and they’re really realistic as sci-fi races go. It makes sense from that perspective that Andalites would tolerate scarring or a lost stalk eye or a lost skull eye, but not tolerate serious injuries that significantly impact your perceived quality of life. Ableism is like that - it’s not one-size-fits-all. I look at Ax’s reactions and I see a lot of my own family and friends’ behaviors - this vibes with my understanding of prejudice, you know?

“Mertil and Gafinilan have a tragic ending, which means the story is saying that being gay dooms you to tragedy!”

Mertil and Gafinilan have the best possible ending that they could ask for? They are victims of the war, they are suffering because of the war, they get the same cocktail of trauma and damage that every other soldier gets. But unlike Jake and Tobias and Marco, unlike Elfangor, unlike Aximili? Their ending comes in peace, in their own home. Gafinilan isn’t dying alone, he’s got the love of his life with him. Mertil isn’t going to be as isolated anymore, he’s got Marco for a friend. Animorphs is a tragedy, it’s not a happy story, it’s not something that guarantees a beautiful sunshine-and-roses ending for everyone, and I love tragedy, and so I will fight for this story. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it deserved better. But it’s not less meaningful just because it’s sad. Nobody is entitled to anything in this book, and it’s just as true for these two as it is for anyone else.

“It’s not cool that the only canonically gay characters in this series don’t get to be happy and trauma-free and unblemished Good Rep!”

This is one I can kind of understand, and I’ll give some ground to it, because it is sucky. The only thing I’ll say is that I stand by my argument that nothing that happens to Mertil and Gafinilan is unusual compared to what happens to the rest of the cast, and that their ending is way happier than Rachel and Tobias’s, or Jake and Cassie’s. But it’s a legitimate point of frustration, and the one argument I’ll say I agree has validity.

(Though, I also want to point out that I think there are plenty of equally queercoded characters in the story who aren’t Mertil and Gafinilan - Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and Marco all get at least one or two moments that signal to me that they’re potentially LGBT+, not to mention Mr. Tidwell and Illim in #29 and their long-term domestic partnership. There’s no reason to assume that the only queer people here are those two aliens when Marco’s descriptions of Jake exist.)

“Marco uses slurs and reduces Gafinilan’s whole identity to his illness!”

Technically, yes, this is true, except putting it that way strips the whole passage of its context. Marco is discussing the boxes society puts you into, the ones you don’t have a choice about facing or escaping. He’s talking about negative stereotypes and reductive generalizations, he’s referring to them as bad things that you get inflicted upon you by an outside world or by friends who don’t know the whole story or the real you. The slurs he uses are real slurs that get thrown at people still, and they’re not okay, and the point is that they’re not okay but assholes are going to call you by them anyway. He ends by saying “you just have to learn to live with it”, and since this is coming from a fifteen-year-old Latino kid who we know is picked on by bullies for all sorts of reasons and who faces racism and homophobia? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s bitter about what’s been said and done, he’s not stating it like it’s a good thing.

Yes, absolutely, this speech is a product of its time, but it’s a product of its time that speaks of defiance and says “We aren’t what we’re said to be,” and in the year this was published? That’s a good message.

tl;dr The Other is good, actually, and Mertil and Gafinilan are incredible characters who deserve all the love they could possibly get.

#animorphs #animorphs meta #mertil/gafinilan #mertil #gafinilan #mertil-iscar-elmand #gafinilan-estrif-valad

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k-s-morgan · 5 years ago

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Will’s vs. Hannibal’s Ways of Expressing Love

The fact that Hannibal loves Will and is in love with him is openly stated in the show several times. Will’s feelings, on the other hand, are more ambiguous, which is why some viewers often doubt whether Hannibal’s love is reciprocated. I think that exploring the ways these two men experience and react to love can explain the varying degrees of their openness about it.

I’ll put TLDR right here: Hannibal is more open about himself and his feelings, including love, hence he doesn’t have many challenges with admitting it. Will is closed off, stiff, and emotionally repressed, so he expresses his feelings in a much more subtle way.

Let’s start with Hannibal. Details about his past are scarce, but we know that he admits to loving two people throughout his life, his sister and Will.

E3 of S3.

*Bedelia: What your sister made you feel was beyond your conscious ability to control or predict … I would suggest what Will Graham makes you feel is not dissimilar. A force of mind and circumstance.*

*Hannibal: Love.*

Undoubtedly, Hannibal’s love for Mischa was traumatic and unhealthy. He loved her so much that he ate a part of her body after she was killed, devastated by this loss. But it was still love that made him feel all the related emotions, so Hannibal has some experience with it. From what we know of him, he has a very broad mind. He despises limitations and overcomes them, and he is not ashamed of who he is. He isn’t embarrassed to cry in the opera or to be the first to stand up and applaud; he delights in stereotypically ‘feminine’ hobbies like cooking and clothes selection; he draws fan-art and openly expresses his admiration when it’s due. For this reason, Hannibal doesn’t have many problems with expressing love either.

Upon meeting Will, he is immediately drawn to him. He sees him as his potential partner and decides he wants to try and build a family with him as early as E2 of S1. That’s when he starts planting the idea of Abigail being their shared daughter in Will’s mind. He does the same to Abigail, urging her to see him and Will as her parents, even giving her shrooms to evoke the desired associations (unsuccessfully since Will doesn’t come to dinner). So, Hannibal acknowledged his pull/infatuation with Will from the very start, and he acted on it right away.

It’s not 100% love at this point, but Hannibal still easily follows his emotions. He doesn’t stop to consider how strange it is to want a family with a man he just met; he doesn’t agonize over the idea of how his life has more risks now that he allows another human being to know him. When these feelings progress at the end of S1/start of S2, Hannibal is finally taken aback. While he never planned to leave Will in prison and it was a part of his plan, he still didn’t expect to miss him so much — he admits it to Bedelia, looking forlorn, in E1 of S2. He repeatedly pines for Will by sitting in front of his chair at the time of his supposed appointment, glancing at the clock despite knowing Will is not going to come. This is a shift to an actual love, but Hannibal still doesn’t fight it. On the contrary, he embraces it, and he spends the entire S2 doing repeatedly romantic gestures for Will. Namely:

1) Protects Abigail to reunite Will with her later.

2) Shares a part of himself he doesn’t seem to have ever shared with anyone else. He talks to Will about Mischa, reveals his views on murder and God, acknowledges he cared about Abigail, and shows vulnerability. He shares his teacup ritual with him, which is something precious and deeply personal.

3) He digs up fake Freddie’s corpse and decorates it as a way of courting Will (as directly said by Alana).

4) He draws a fan-art of himself and Will as Achilles and Patroclus.

5) He is ready to abandon his well-established life in Baltimore and reputation to run away with Will. In Hannibal’s view, no one truly suspects him and there is no evidence against him, but Will is in danger. So he’s willing to discard everything he’s been building for 20 years for him.

Finally, he calls Will a loved one more or less directly in E13 of S2 (in fact, he implies that they both love each other).

*Hannibal: Do you know what an imago is, Will? … An imago is an image of a loved one buried in the unconscious, carried with us all our lives.*

*Will: An ideal.*

*Hannibal: The concept of an ideal... I have a concept of you, just as you have a concept of me.*

Will hurts him with his betrayal, and Hannibal still finds himself unable to kill him. He is openly crying in the finale, admitting how Will hurt him, breaks his (and his own) heart by killing Abigail, and flees to Europe to start a new life. But things don’t go as he hoped they would. Bedelia is not a worthy substitute, and Hannibal is increasingly slipping into a self-destructive state because of his love for Will. He kills Anthony, who was an improved copy of Will, and turns him into a Valentine heart for him. Again, this is a very explicit and open emotional action. Hannibal doesn’t hide his feelings. He’s an emotional wreck with Bedelia in E3, and as they are talking about Will, he admits he’s in love with him.

*Hannibal: You cannot control with respect to whom you fall in love.*

Bedelia points out his self-destructiveness.

*Bedelia: You're going to get caught. It's already been set into motion … I know exactly how I will be navigating my way out of whatever it is I’ve gotten myself into. Do you?*

After Hannibal keeps spiraling and kills Sogliato, she adds: *You're drawing them to you, aren't you? All of them.*

Hannibal gets so self-destructive over Will that he lets Jack beat himself almost to death, not even attempting to fight him. The first words he says to Will after they reunite in E6 are:

*Hannibal: If I saw you every day forever, Will, I would remember this time.*

He’s a romantic. The courtship, the Valentine heart, the romance — Hannibal did have some struggles, but overall, he accepts these feelings and isn’t afraid to act on them.

When Will pulls a knife in E6, Hannibal classifies it as another betrayal. This is where he decides to kill and eat him in the hope to put an end to this misery (which is what he and Bedelia discussed back in E3). However, even blinded by another heartbreak, Hannibal tries to save Will at the same time. He knows the police are coming and he puts off the moment of sawing for as long as he can, first fussing over Will and his wound, then waiting for Jack, then doing everything slowly as hell.

Everything changes in E7, when Hannibal faces the real risk of losing Will and comes to terms with the fact that a hope of life with him is better than life without him. So Hannibal carries Will home bridal-style, takes care of him, waits for him to wake up and writes formulas to reverse time. He directly tells Will that Will won, and that he, Hannibal, is at Will’s mercy.

*Hannibal: Your memory palace is building. It's full of new things. It shares some rooms with my own. I've discovered you there. Victorious.*

He gives himself up, sacrificing the freedom he’s been fighting for back in E2 finale, in the hope that one day, Will is going to come back to him. After this, Hannibal is all about Will, with all his heart. Throughout the second half of S3, he says things like, *“I gave you a child. You are family, Will. Was it good to see me?”*, etc. He agrees to risk his life by agreeing to Will’s plan, knowing he’s planning something but not knowing what and if he’d die in the process. In E13, Hannibal says:

*Hannibal: "No greater love hath man than to lay down his life for a friend"* and shields Will from the bullet. Later, he allows Will to push them both down, and he stays with him afterward.

Conclusion: Hannibal is very accepting of himself, so he doesn’t undergo severe challenges on the path to acknowledging what he feels for Will. He knows what love feels like because he felt it for Mischa before, so he embraces loving Will pretty quickly, even though he doesn’t know how to best approach it at times. That’s why we get direct and explicit confirmation of his feelings several times.

Now, on to Will.

Unlike with Hannibal, there is no evidence that Will has ever experienced love before (at least love for people). We know he had a father and was lonely as a child.

E4 of S1.

*Will: We were poor. I followed my father from the boat yards in Biloxi and Greenville to lake boats on Erie.*

*Hannibal: Always the new boy at school? Always the stranger?*

*Will: Always.*

His choice of words indicates that his relationship with his father wasn’t all that good (for instance, *I followed my father* instead of *My father and I had to…*). So, it doesn’t look like Will ever had meaningful connections. More than that, he says:

*Will: There’s something so foreign about family. Like an ill-fitting suit. Never connected to the concept.*

We can suggest that he doesn’t know what love is or how it feels like. From E1, we know he isolates himself because he hates himself for who he is: he understands he’s different, that there is darkness in him, but he desperately tries to subdue it and deny this fact. He’s rude, twitchy, and unhappy, but like Hannibal, he understands the extent of his loneliness only upon meeting him. That’s when he tries forming relationships with others.

Will’s relationships with Alana and Abigail are a good indication of his problems with love. He wants to be with Alana because he needs to feel normal. In 99% of cases, he remembers about her only when she comes to seek him out first. He kisses her for the first time at the moment of particular vulnerability, fearing that he’s finally losing his mind (in E8). When Hannibal calls him out on it, Will doesn’t deny it and semi-nods. He actually had to agree with it verbally according to the script.

*Will: I feel unstable.*

*Hannibal: That’s why you kissed her. A clutch for balance.*

*Will: Because I’m losing mine.*

So, it’s not that Will feels romantic love for Alana — he uses her because he desperately needs to feel like everyone else. Alana is a pretty, smart, normal woman who fits this goal perfectly. He doesn’t allow himself to be genuine with her unlike he does with Hannibal, to whom he opens up.

Will confesses to Hannibal that he loved killing Hobbs in E2, which got him down and made him panic. Hannibal supports him, and Will keeps coming back to him. He talks about everything important with Hannibal, opening parts of himself that he guards from everyone else. Will asks Hannibal to look after his dogs as early as E4 — he doesn’t have other friends, and he’s already focused on Hannibal. He buys into an idea of having a family with him and Abigail, which is amazing for Will, who has just said he could never relate to the concept of family.

When Will buys a gift for Abigail in the same E4 and freaks out, Hannibal asks him:

*Hannibal: Feeling paternal, Will?*

Will’s reaction is instant and defensive:

*Will: Aren’t you?*

Hannibal easily says “yes”, which disarms Will. This is a great contrast between them: Hannibal isn’t afraid to talk and acknowledge his feelings while Will is embarrassed of them and shies away from them. In fact, this is a repeat of their conversation in E2.

*Hannibal: You saved Abigail Hobbs' life. You also orphaned her. It comes with certain emotional obligations.*

*Will: You were there. You saved her life, too. Do you feel obligated?*

Again, Will deflects. He’s wary of emotions, especially of admitting them out loud.

Will shows a hint of romantic interest in Hannibal in E7. He brings him a bottle of wine out of blue, but unfortunately, he stumbles upon the party Hannibal is preparing. Hannibal invites him to stay, but Will says he won’t be good company. He’s shy and awkward, smiling nervously and dropping his gaze in embarrassment. Then we have this lovely line:

*Will: I’ve got a date with the Chesapeake Ripper.*

So, in S1, Will makes considerable emotional progress. He realizes he wants a family after all, and while he makes several half-hearted attempts to court Alana, he’s mostly focused on Hannibal and Abigail. He opens himself up to Hannibal, receives official guardianship over Abigail with him, arguably flirts with Hannibal (like in the wine scene above), and covers up murder to protect their family. But then Hannibal betrays him. Will doesn’t know his reasons yet, but this betrayal plunged him into darkness, bitterness, and new stage of emotional repression. It’s worth mentioning another point of Abigail here: in the end, Will doesn’t know her. He spoke to her only several times, and even fewer times were genuine. He loves the idea of her, and this idea was introduced by Hannibal, not by Abigail’s presence. It’s Hannibal who forced Will to confront his need to love and be loved.

In S2, Will is incredibly conflicted. He acknowledges to Hannibal that he hurt him, tries to kill him via Matthew, but when he recognizes that Hannibal wants him as a friend (as spoken in E7), his attitude changes. Will doesn’t plan to forgive him, he’s still angry at Hannibal for killing Abigail (which is his biggest conflict, as evident from his talks with Hannibal himself and Freddie), but now, he can’t bring himself to harm or betray Hannibal.

He gets his first chance in E7, after being released from prison. He threatens Hannibal with a gun and has a perfect chance to make him pay, but he doesn’t. Instead, he conspires with Jack and decides to cultivate co-dependency, creating an environment where only he “and the fish exist” (E8). What does Will do to start? He makes himself physically attractive, grooming and dressing prettily. It’s a seduction on all levels, and Will plans to use emotions to hurt Hannibal back. At the same time, Will admits to being confused over what he feels for Hannibal.

E8 of S2.

*Will: I envy you your hate. Makes it much easier when you know how to feel.*

E9 of S2 (talking about trying to kill Hannibal with Margot).

*Margot: Did he have it coming?*

*Will: What do you think?*

*Margot: I can't say that I know.*

*Will: Neither can I.*

He spends the rest of the season lying to both Hannibal and Jack, unsure whose side to choose, too lost in his own feelings to make sense of them. At the same time, he has a dream where Hannibal calls him beloved in E9. It shows that Will contemplates the idea of love in relation to Hannibal. In E10, Will tries to fantasize about Alana as he’s having sex with Margot. However, he sees the image of Wendigo near the fireplace, Wendigo who he’s used to associating with Hannibal. Two interesting things (copied from my other meta): first, Will actually sees Hannibal’s room and consequently, he sees himself in it (or he sees their rooms united). Second, he sees the Wendigo near Hannibal’s fireplace. Fireplace has many meanings, including passion, sexuality, home, family, and resurrection. It emphasizes the sexual and romantic subtext of this uniquely shot scene, where people destined to be together have sex with the wrong partners. Will’s vision begins to contract, focusing on Wendigo: he is having an orgasm at this very moment, imagining the Wendigo’s face very close, approaching him. Still through the misty eyes, he tries to focus on Alana again, but his gaze moves up to Wendigo above her, as if he can’t help himself. He and Hannibal reach orgasm first, with Alana and Margot following them. So, Will dragged Hannibal into his sex fantasy. It’s both symbolic and physical: he tried to imagine Alana just like he tried to have a relationship with her before, in S1, out of his desire to be normal. But his attention is inevitably drawn to Hannibal, who’s his “real deal”.

Based on this scene, it’s underlined once again how Will struggles with emotions. Even in the safety of his own mind, in his own fantasy, he tries to think of Alana but still ends up with Hannibal. Will is always fighting himself and who he is. He refuses to accept his darkness just as he refuses to admit he loves Hannibal. It’s the essence of who he is, denial is his second name.

Among the important moments, there are Will’s words to Hannibal:

*Will: You are right. We are just alike. You are as alone as I am. And we are both alone without each other.*

So, Will accepts the bond with Hannibal, and at this stage, he even has the courage to voice some of his emotional thoughts. His progress is slow, but it’s there.

In E11, Will has a nightmare. He sees a burning corpse of ‘Freddie’ in a wheelchair, a symbol of his betrayal of Hannibal, and he hears his own increasing screaming. It’s easy to interpret, knowing the context: Will feels guilty for lying to Hannibal.

When Margot loses her child, Will feels renewed anger at Hannibal. He fantasizes about killing him and gets to realize his fantasy with Mason’s help in E12. But at the last moment, Will changes his mind and chooses Hannibal. He does the same thing in E13 by calling him. When he sees him, he doesn’t even try to point a gun at him: he asks why he didn’t leave as he was supposed to, and he even leans forward to accept the knife, accept the punishment for betrayal.

So, Will chooses Hannibal over Abigail, for whom he wanted justice; over his and Margot’s child, for whom he wanted revenge; over Jack and Alana, who were his only semblance of friends; over his own confusion and desire to be normal. For someone as emotionally stunted as Will, it’s huge. It proves that he loves Hannibal and is willing to compromise all other relationships he has formed as well his own beliefs for him (while Will is dark, he tries to fight it because he doesn’t think people like them are normal). Is it romantic? Will’s dream with the word “beloved” and his sex fantasy, as well as his acceptance of the idea that he and Hannibal were Abigail’s fathers (which makes them partners) imply that yes, romantic feeling is a part of it.

Hannibal’s romantic feelings became explicit in S3, and so did Will’s. But since Hannibal is more open and self-accepting, his were discussed out loud while Will’s were mostly portrayed silently, implied, and alluded to.

Will builds a boat to sail and find Hannibal, which is pretty romantic by itself. He spends his time in Hannibal’s house, in the kitchen where their bloody break-up happened, imagining Abigail near him. When Alana comes to find him, he asks her to leave. He’s cold and indifferent toward her — she’s not what he wants, and he’s not interested in even friendship with her. All he wants is to mourn his lost family with Hannibal and Abigail. Again, Hannibal is Will’s priority.

Will imagines his perfect world as the one where he and Hannibal killed Jack together. This scene is intercut with his Mizumono memories, namely, with Hannibal's face that emerges every time he moves yet another part of the engine. This is a vivid demonstration of Will trying to repair what is now broken. When Jack asks him why he called him, Will is indifferent and genuine:

*Will: I wasn't decided when I called him. I just called him. I deliberated while the phone rang. I decided when I heard his voice … I told him to leave. I wanted him to run … Because he was my friend. And because I wanted to run away with him.*

That’s a big admission for Will. This is the first time he openly acknowledges Hannibal as his friend in front of another person. Chilton calls Will and Hannibal’s interactions a “flirtation” in this episode, which once again points us in the romantic direction.

The entire E2 of S3 is dedicated to Will’s love for Hannibal, where he argues about it with himself in the form of imaginary Abigail. This is another proof of Will’s problem with emotions in general and emotions for Hannibal in particular. He can’t just think to himself as normal people do — no, he can’t admit how much he loves Hannibal this. Instead, he imagines Abigail and talks to himself through her to make it easier. He berates himself for lying.

*Will/Abigail: We were all supposed to leave together. He made a place for us. Why did you lie to him? He gave you a chance to take it all back, and you just kept lying.*

Will is reverent about Hannibal; he keeps talking about him over and over again.

*Will: This isn't Hannibal, it's just where he begins. Beyond this, far and complex, light and dark, is the vast structure of his mind. A thousand rooms, miles of corridors. Everything he remembers, wonderfully and fearfully reconstructed.*

Will goes as far as lies at the place where Hannibal’s Valentine heart for him was, reconstructing this image and trying to feel close to him. The heart comes to life the moment Will touches it, which is romantic. Will says:

*Will: A valentine written on a broken man … I do feel closer to Hannibal here. God only knows where I would be without him … He left us his broken heart … He misses us.*

He looks on the verge of tears, so Hannibal’s gift touched him. Will is overcome by emotions. At this very moment, his more frightened side suggests that Hannibal is also playing with him.

*Will: Hannibal follows several trains of thought at once without distraction from any, and one of the trains is always for his own amusement.*

We know it’s not the case, especially here, but Will has trust issues and a low self-esteem. He’s worried that Hannibal’s feelings for him aren’t as strong as he thinks they are, which is why he’s not sure how to react himself. He asks himself, *“You still want to go with him?”* and replies, *“Yes.” He wonders about what life they’d have if they left.

*Will: What if no one died? What if we all left together? Like we were supposed to. After he served the lamb. Where would we have gone? … In some other world.*

Pazzi comes and tells Will that he hopes they’ll catch Hannibal together.

*Will: What makes you think I want to catch him?*

Later, Pazzi says:

*Pazzi: He let you know him. He sent you his heart.*

E2 ends with Will scaring Pazzi and telling him, *“You don’t know whose side I’m on.* Then he tells Hannibal he forgives him, which is also a huge step in his direction.

This entire episode proves that yes, Will loves Hannibal. Considering how he isn’t awkward from receiving a Valentine or hearing that Hannibal gave him his heart, Will shares the romantic aspect of Hannibal’s feelings for him. He regrets not running away with him and their daughter, he places himself on the floor where the heart was to feel closer to him — this is such a rich romantic subtext that it’s practically text. Especially for Will, who remains so conflicted and emotionally restrained all the time.

Will’s attitude changes after seeing Chiyoh. He becomes more bitter. Considering how dark he is in these scenes and how he constantly compares himself and Chiyoh, he likely sees her as someone Hannibal was supposed to love but easily abandoned. It makes Will draw the parallels between them, and he starts to doubt that Hannibal loves him, that his “broken heart” has any authentic meaning. That’s where he starts thinking about killing Hannibal again. He still says:

*Will: I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him.*

This line also speaks volumes. Hannibal gave Will a precious gift of understanding himself; he showed that he could accept him, and Will is drawn to it. Will admits the depth of their connection to yet another person. Then he makes a firefly from Chiyoh’s prisoner, a tribute that is clearly done with Hannibal in his mind, considering the style and the central topic.

Chiyoh sees right through Will’s emotional constipation. She implies that he should “kiss” Hannibal rather than keep being “violent”:

*Chiyoh: I told you, there are means of influence other than violence.*

She kisses Will then, thus showing him what others means exist. He doesn’t get it, though, since he responds to her kiss despite not feeling anything for her, and she pushes him off the train, likely admitting he’s a hopeless case.

Meeting Jack, Will tells him that a part of him will always want to leave with Hannibal. This is yet another declaration from him. Will isn’t scared of the consequences — he speaks of his feelings openly now. It’s a great development of his character.

But the feeling of doubt about Hannibal likely resurfaces further after Will sees that Hannibal replaced him and Abigail with Bedelia in E6 (hence his hatred for her since that moment). He mocks her alibi and then leaves to reunite with Hannibal. The following moment was deleted, but it still discloses some of Will’s romantic feelings:

*Will: I looked up at the night sky there. Orion above the horizon and, near it, Jupiter. I wondered if you could see it, too. I wondered if our stars were the same.*

From the words that did get into the episode:

*Will: You and I have begun to blur ... We're conjoined. Curious if either of us can survive separation.*

Will doesn’t just admit the bond between them, he elevates it the level of soulmates, implying they are one and the same. It’s also a declaration of love in his language. But love doesn’t stop Will from being vindictive, hurt, and angry, so after meetings with Chiyoh and Bedelia that affected his perception, he pulls out a knife as he and Hannibal are walking together.

There is a brain-sawing disaster after this and E7, where Will looks done and tired from the madness and his constant attempts to figure Hannibal out. He does bite Cordell before looking at Hannibal, seeking his approval; he uses “we” pronouns when speaking about Hannibal with Alana. One example:

*Will: You helped Mason Verger find us.*

So, he still sees himself and Hannibal as a team, but he’s still tired and bitter, so after everything is over, he hurts Hannibal by saying he doesn’t share his appetite and by attacking him emotionally.

*Will: I miss my dogs. I'm not going to miss you. I'm not going to find you. I'm not going to look for you. I don't want to know where you are or what you do. I don't want to think about you anymore.*

This is all personal and emotional. It sounds like a break-up, which is exactly how Bryan Fuller and others referred to it. When Hannibal leaves and Jacks arrives, Will puts on his glasses, an indication that he’s hiding again.

Fast-forward 3 years. Will is married now, but from the very start, we see that this marriage isn’t all people usually expect it to be. The first scene shows the family apart. Molly and Walter have gone fishing, which is something Will loves. He had dreams about teaching Abigail how to fish, but he doesn’t go to do that with his family, preferring to stay alone instead. It’s the first hint that his heart isn’t in this relationship, that he’s too hung up on the past to move forward and make new happy memories.

Jack came to drag him to Dragon’s case, and Will makes it look like he’s reluctant. At the same time, he doesn’t send Jack away, even though we know from the past that he has no qualms being frank when he wants to. More than that, he asks him not to show pics to Molly, but when they have dinner, Will deliberately leaves the house with Walter, leaving Jack and Molly together. At night, when Molly’s asleep, he crawls out of bed and goes to read Hannibal’s letter. He doesn’t tell the truth to Molly about himself and his dark urges, about everything he has done – Molly clearly has no idea who he truly is, considering how she jokes about his ‘criminal mind’ in later episodes and how Will immediately closes himself off from her. He never initiates physical touches with her; he doesn’t return her “I love you”, which is an even bigger indication of his lack of commitment. Will is emotionally stiff with Molly for the most part, and the only times he laughs with her or shows any emotion is when they are talking about superficial stuff in the former case and when he’s furious after Francis’ attack in the latter one. Other than that, there is no closeness or honesty.

Another point of Will’s inability to express or even give his love to someone is in his scene with Walter in E11. This child, his step-son, has just been attacked by a serial killer with his mother. His mother was hurt and they barely escaped. Will doesn’t hug him or offer him paternal emotional comfort; he’s very awkward. All he says is, “You're both safe here,” which is something an officer might say but not a father. Will was much more emotional in his fantasies about Abigail.

This is what Will says about Walter’s reaction to Jack:

*Will: He read about me in a Freddie Lounds article. I had to justify myself to an eleven year old.*

He’s resentful and not emotional. He doesn’t say, “I had to justify myself to my son!” – he distances himself from him. Will is cold. He has expressed his feelings for Hannibal at this point in rather poetic ways, but he can’t be bothered to do this for his wife and his son.

He treats Hannibal in a very reserved fashion too, in comparison to how he acted 3 years ago. However: first, there is the fact that he came to visit him in the first place. Will didn’t need his help, we saw very clearly how he managed to easily reconstruct the crime scene the night before. It proved that his mindset is in a good shape, so he didn’t need Hannibal’s assistance. But it’s Hannibal he requested to see right away.

Will distances himself from him by calling him “Doctor Lecter” and insisting that he’s more comfortable the less personal they are. His eyes glisten, though, and he can’t look away from Hannibal. The impersonal approach doesn’t last very long, too, and soon, they are talking like they always did. Hannibal accuses Will of marrying for false reasons.

*Hannibal: How did you choose yours? Readymade wife and child to serve your needs. A stepson or daughter. A stepson absolves you of any biological blame. You know better than to breed. Can't pass on those terrible traits you fear the most.*

Will doesn’t bother to deny it, though any man would have been offended, particularly if he truly loved his family. In Will’s case, from the experience and all the precedents, silence = agreement.

In E10, Will seeks Bedelia out. He acts catty and jealous, targeting her personal connection with Hannibal.

*Will: You didn't lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn't be bothered.* - personal, targeted against Bedelia's attachment to Hannibal.

*Will: You hitched your star to a man commonly known as a monster. You're the Bride of Frankenstein.* - personal, attack with romantic connotation. Bedelia catches up on it and mocks him:

*Bedelia: We've both been his bride. Have you been to see him?*

*Will: Yes.*

*Bedelia: Haven't learned anything, have you? Or did you just miss him that much?*

*Will: Have you been to see him?* - personal again. Will wants to know if Bedelia is keeping contact with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: I've seen enough of him. I was with him behind the veil. You were always on the other side.*

*Will: Something we should talk about.* - again, personal. It's all personal, which is why Bryan and Hugh called them Hannibal's jealous bitchy exes. Will is palpably jealous and he shows his resentment to Bedelia openly.

Later, we have some more romantic references.

*Bedelia: My relationship with Hannibal is not as passionate as yours. You are here visiting old flame. Is your wife aware of how intimately you and Hannibal know each other? … Your experience of Hannibal’s attention is so profoundly harmful yet so irresistible, it undermines your ability to think rationally.*

So, there is romantic text, parallels between Hannibal and Will’s wife, and Will doesn’t deny any of this again. He keeps coming to Bedelia because she’s the only person he can talk about Hannibal to without being watched.

After Hannibal sends Francis after Molly and Walter, Will spends about a minute being angry with him. Then he accuses Hannibal of staging a competition between him and Francis. It is startling: Will spent months, years mourning the loss of Abigail who he didn’t even really know personally, yet he forgets the gravity of what happened to his wife and won very quickly. He leaves Molly and Walter and tells Bedelia that they are finished. One traumatic event, and Will left. It coincides with something very important that happened here: after this, Will finally figures out Hannibal is truly in love with him. So he goes to Bedelia to discuss it with her.

*Will: Is Hannibal in love with me?*

*Bedelia: Could he daily feel a stab of hunger for you, and find nourishment at the very sight of you? Yes. But do you ache for him?*

Will is predictably silent. Obviously, if the answer was no, he would have said no. But he struggles because like we established, he has issues with expressing emotions. He only managed to start referring to Hannibal as his friend openly in this season, opening up about some of his feelings, but he’s not ready to go this far. It would be absolutely out of character for Will to say, “Yes, you know, I’m in love with him! Thanks for helping me see it.” Every confession Will makes is preceded by struggles and heartbreak. But he’s going to reply to Bedelia’s question, only not explicitly-verbally.

Will sets up Chilton and then comes to allegedly say good-bye to Hannibal. He lies several times in their conversation (about Chilton and Molly with Walter), so all his words are automatically suspicious. Regardless, he destroys Hannibal emotionally and walks away. Personally, I believe he was already planning to break him out, so he was playing it up for cameras and also taking a chance to hurt Hannibal for everything again. But whatever his plan was, what happens next is that Will conspires with Francis against Jack, Alana, and the FBI. They agree to break Hannibal out together. Will lies to Jack and then gets to ask Hannibal for help. He’s being flirty and manipulative in this scene.

*Will: I need you, Hannibal … You're our best shot, Hannibal. Please.*

He’s smirking, he leans close to Hannibal, he sends him a flirty look from under his eyelashes. Will is thoroughly enjoying himself, and he does it best when he has some excuse to hide behind.

Later, he lies to Jack and Alana again, leaks info to Francis (who nearly killed his wife and son), and gets many officers killed by proxy. He tells Bedelia the truth that he doesn’t “intend Hannibal to be caught a second time.” He also implies that he’s going to let him go free, which is why Bedelia should pack her bags.

*Bedelia: Can't live with him. Can't live without him. Is that what this is?*

This time, Will agrees, although in his way.

*Will: I guess this is my Becoming.*

For Will, Becoming was always connected to his feelings for Hannibal because accepting himself and his darkness meant being free to escape with Hannibal.

*Bedelia: You found religion. Nothing more dangerous than that.*

In E3, it was stated that love is a God (you can find more here https://www.reddit.com/r/HannibalTV/comments/7w54dg/lovegodreligion_s3_parallels/), so it’s possible to say that religion = love in this context. It certainly makes sense. Will is accepting himself and his emotions, and the trigger was establishing for sure that Hannibal is in love with him.

Will and Hannibal drive to the cliff house. When Hannibal asks Will if he intends to save himself by killing them both (Hannibal and Francis), Will replies:

*Will: I don't know if I can save myself. And maybe that's just fine.*

This is the first time he confesses that he might be incapable of killing Hannibal. Predictably, when Francis comes, Will can’t handle seeing Hannibal killed, so he reaches for his gun.

Will and Hannibal work as a unit and protect each other. Hannibal is shot, nearly strangled, thrown onto the ground, and he is still weakly holding on Francis' leg to prevent him from going after Will, even though it leaves him in an open and vulnerable position — Francis does kick him in the face with his other leg. There is fierce determination on Will's face as he stands up despite the pain and runs to save Hannibal. They act in synch, consummating their relationship.

Then, Will admires how blood looks on his hand and repeats Hannibal’s words:

*Will: It really does look black in the moonlight.*

He remembers the words Hannibal said to him weeks ago in one of their endless interactions. A bit earlier, he perfectly recalled the words Hannibal told him *years* ago, back in the middle of S2.

*Will: I understand that “blood and breath are only elements undergoing change to fuel your Radiance." Hannibal said those words. To me.*

So, Will remembers everything Hannibal told him. He stores these memories. It’s a small but still important proof how important Hannibal is for him.

At the cliff, Will finally accepts the truth.

*Hannibal: See. This is all I ever wanted for you, Will. For both of us.*

We know what Hannibal wanted: a Murder Husband. What does Will say to this?

*Will: It’s beautiful.*

This is a loud “yes” to Bedelia’s question about his feelings. Will acknowledges, accepts, and admires them. He doesn’t feel awkward, as he would if he knew Hannibal is in love with him but didn’t feel the same. No, he reaches forward to embrace him, and such physical contact from Will is mind-blowing because he almost never does it. He clings to Hannibal, puts his head on his shoulder, touches him as if he wants to melt with him. Then he gives the fate a chance to stop both of them or to set them free. They fall into the ocean under the Love Crime song, another romantic element.

Water symbolizes reborn, and post-credits scene indicates that Will and Hannibal have paid a visit to Bedelia and are in the process of eating her while she’s hiding the fork to stab one of them as he approaches. The deleted epilogue to the series shows that they are in perfect harmony now.

**Conclusion**: Will has passed through a long, painful journey. He went from hiding from emotions and deflecting to not denying and carefully acknowledging them. We don’t hear words “love” or “in love” from him in relation to Hannibal because Will is not that kind of person. He doesn’t use these words freely, and for him, every small emotional step is a struggle. He tried to deceive himself and other numerous times; he tied to deny the truth and manipulate his own mind, but with each season, his feelings for Hannibal became more and more explicit. Will reaching out for physical contact, Will saying “It’s beautiful” are his way of saying, “I ached for you. I love you.”

This is a story of mutual love and obsession, about soulmates, about unique type of connection that few people share. It’s not about Hannibal falling in love and Will not feeling the same. Their feelings are equally strong, but they express them differently, particularly as Will’s are tied to the acceptance of his own darkness.

#will graham #hannibal lecter #hannigram #nbc hannibal #murder husbands

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kinsey3furry300 · 3 years ago

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5 ships I hate, why I hate them, how to (kinda) fix them, the better ships you should be doing in that universe, and why you should ignore me and keep writing them if it makes you happy.

Note: this is done for amusement, please don’t be offended; I’m not attacking your ship, I’m just listing some ships I do not always care for, and how I think they could be improved, and maybe made brilliant, by clever writing.

In no particular order, and focusing on ships that often annoy me, with no attempt by me to say anything meaningful or popular about the current state of any particular fandom. I’m also a firm believer in the idea that there’s no such thing as a bad ship, only a badly executed ship, so my objections to these is less a dislike of shipping, or the paring, and more that they raise writing issues that I think are difficult to fix in a satisfying way. That’s why in a lot of the examples below I prefer AU ships to ones that try to messily work it into the cannon. Anyway, enjoy... I guess?

Marco x / anyone (Animorphs)

Why I hate it: Animrophs is an intensely character-driven story, where the tension of each book comes from the conflicts, external and internal, that the five Animrophs (and Ax) face during a long, hard, traumatic war. And while several of the character are paired off romantically, it’s always to emphasise character conflict over their different points of view. Jake and Cassie are a pair because Jake’s struggle with having to make hard, grey, morally ambiguous choices as leader is highlighted by Cassie’s burning need to make the right choice, the lesser evil, the choice that leaves some small shred of humanity and dignity and kindness left in this bleak world. Tobias and Rachel are a pair as their arcs deal with literal and figurative loss of humanity, as the slow accumulation of trauma over time turns these happy(ish), normal kids into psychologically ruined husks of their former selves and destroys them slowly, one fight at a time.

Marco’s arc, isn’t about either of these things: Marco’s arc, is about the bright, clear line between A and B, between problem and solution. Marco is a utilitarian, a pragmatist: his concern isn’t the burden of leadership, or the cost of the decision, but about how to put that all aside and make hard decisions that actually work regardless of cost. It’s not about what to do, the path is obvious: the bright, clear line of ruthless logic, but how to do it. His match, his counterpoint, the other character who’s all about the logic of taking awful decision in a way that actually works for the team, and his foil, his female counterpart in this, is not a romantic partner, but his mother: Visser one, making the exact same hard, difficulty ruthless decisions using logic and maths, but for the other side of this war. A romantic paring gets in the way of this arc because a partner doesn’t help him with that bright, clear line, and worse, any attempt to pair him of with either Rachel or Cassie breaks up not only a cannon paring, but their respective character arc.

How to (kinda) fix this: Marco’s arc is, at the end of the day, a trolly problem. So make sure whoever you ship him with is one of the people tied to the tracks. Introduce a character he crushes on, and then in the second act reveal that they are either a Controller, or in the family of a Controller or the proximity of the target of their next mission in a way that will make them collateral damage ,and let Marco struggle with what happens when that bright, clear logical line from A to B cuts through someone he actually loves; you know, like it did with his mother. See, even trying to fix this ship is weirdly Freudian.

The far better ship you should be doing: Ax x / EVERYONE. Ax in human form is described as a worryingly pretty, worryingly androgynous male of indeterminate race. He is a literally Bishonen alien hedonist with no familiarity with human senses, poor impulse control in human form, and no knowledge or understanding of human courtship rituals, and he can shape-shift, including into other members of the core team if needed to compel a mission, he calls Jake his prince, and he is incredibly close to Tobias, the lonely outcast woobie that the LGBT fans adopted as their poster boy. Come on, the potential for shipping, both with wacky hijinks and sad, tragic star-crossed lovers’ trope is endless. Every line dedicated to Marco shipping is a line of text that could be dedicated to Ax trying to eat a Cinnabon erotically on his first date as a human and hulking out mid way because he forgot just how good they are. What could be better than him leaning into to erotically kiss a team-mate, and then fucking up due to his failure to understand human mouths, making weird mouth sounds, and then licking crumbs of the table in the middle of the mall, in front of the entire school, while his crush awkwardly tried to pretend this is normal? What’s wrong with you Marco-shipper people, do you hate fun?

Riz/Tem (beastars) Why I hate this ship: Okay, just to quickly ask a question, to people who un-ironically like this as a serious ship and not a dark joke, just one little question: What’s wrong with you? I mean,are you okay? Keep taking the meds: the show is VERY clear on that point.

It’s like those people who say Joker X Harley Quinn is their ideal dark, edgy relationship: no it’s not, it’s abusive! Morticia x Gomez is dark and cool but CONSENTUAL and HEALTHY. This… this is a deeply imbalanced person murdering someone and telling themselves after that fact it was special and rare and magical. ITS HOMICIDE! And even if you write that out (and you shouldn’t, because that changes the character arc of every other major character) it’s still got more red flags that a soviet military parade. This is the botulinum of a toxic, one-sided teenage infatuation. Riz’s entire arc is about how he projects his thoughts and feelings about himself onto this idealised, made-up version of his and Tem’s relationship which, from Tem’s point of view, never existed. Riz never loved Tem: he loved the idea of Tem, the idea that someone would see the real him, see his inner pain and accept him anyway, but he never once told Tem this. He didn’t warn him “Hey, because of you I don’t feel I need my meds any more, do you mind if I try not taking them and we can meet and talk about this in a safe, well-lit pace?” He’s not honest with Tem, and on top of that It doesn’t make sense from the point of view of either of the characters for them to be actually, romantically in love (although they were clearly close friends), because it undermines and cheepens Riz desire to just be seen and accepted for his real self, and the cannon Tem X Els ship. It also doesn’t make sense from a story point of view: Riz is a shadow archetype for Legosi. He’s what Legosi would have become if someone hadn’t interrupted his attack on Haru. That’s why Legosi needs to beat Riz with his own hands: because then he’s beating the darker version of himself he’s been carrying with him, and he can finally move on with Haru guilt-free. Having Riz and Tem’s relationship actually be what Riz imagined it to be undoes that. It undoes Riz’s interesting, dark inner struggle between truth and fantasy, it turns Tem’s tragic, unsolved murder that sets the entire story in motion into a just sort of weird Romeo-and Juliet suicide. It’s ruins the character arc not only for Riz, but for Legosi, and also, by extension, Louis and Haru, because Legosi’s internal angst over whether or not herbivores and carnivores can have a relationship as true friends needs this example of a tragic, flawed, toxic, failed friendship to bounce off of.

How it could (sort of) work: an AU where Riz’s attack on Tem is interrupted and Tem lives with a slight arm injury, and doesn’t tell anyone out of his complex feelings for Riz. Meanwhile, that bunny girl from the gardening club had been brutally devoured and Rz and/or Tem are so horrified with how close this was to their own near-miss, they start to investigate the murder, and in doing so get caught up in Louis’ inner struggle. Because that’s how the story needs to work, it’s about duality and struggle: and if Riz takes Legosi’s role, and by dating a herbivore he de facto takes the role, so Legosi must take Riz’s. This could be a great AU!

The better ship you should be doing: Pina/Riz (with a dash of Pina x Els), no, seriously, I’m not shitposting. You want to give Riz a redemption arc with a cute woolly boy? How about a story where Pina, out of a need for closure about at happened to him, starts to visit Riz in jail and they talk, mockingly at first, confrontational at first, but later Pina slowly becoming more fascinated in Riz and Tem’s life and asking Riz for more and more detail until they both bond over their shared traumatic experiences and their sense of loss for Tem’s senseless death, Tem’s unfished life casting a shadow over both off them. Eventually, the two of them find, from Legosi who still has the diary, that Tem had planned out an elaborate and beautiful first date with Els that he never got to take her on, and Riz, guilt ridden and sad than Tem never got this beautiful moment, decides to ask Pina take her on that date for Tem, with Riz coaching him by phone cyano-de-Bergerac style, Riz finally getting some closure that he helped one of Tem’s wishes come true and finally acknowledging to himself that Tem had a life and loves outside of him that were cut of short by his actions, and just crying over his lost friend, as Pina and Els slow-dance in Tem memory. Or if you just want to see Tem awkwardly date a carnivore boy from school, why not something less creepy and more wholesome and ship him with Jack? That would be cute AF, and more importantly, not romanticize brutal murder. Or an AU where everything is happy and nice, I’d argue at that it’s no longer Beastars at that point, but if it makes you happy, go for it. Let’s not shame anyone here.

Snape X Lilly (Harry Potter)

Why I hate this ship: honestly, it’s not for the reason you think; I just like Snape too much as a tragic character, and making him in any way happy destroys his arc in my opinion. The objection’s others have raised: that Snape acts in a worryingly possessive stalker-ish way towards Lilly, and that if Voldemort had gone for Nevil rather than Harry as a child Snape would have remained a loyal death eater, are true and I acknowledge them as having some validity, but that’s not why I can’t stand this ship. Snape is supposed to be a morally and emotionally complex, tragic figure. That “After all this time?” line was the best line in the Deathly Hallows. Snape is supposed to show the equality destructive and redemptive power of love. It’s sort of trinity: Lilly shows the pure power of true, unconditional love in her sacrifice to save Harry, Voldy shows what self-destruction and cruelty a life without understanding love leads to, and Snape sits somewhere in the middle: his one-sided un-requited love being both the cause of his darkest, and his greatest actions. His curse, and his redemption, fall and rise. Making him happy messes that up.

How to (kinda) fix this ship: make them miserable. Make them fall for each-other only to be pulled apart by circumstance (you know, like they were in the darn original source material). You’re serious about making this a tragic, dark romance? Don’t ship them when they’re at school: Ship them during Voldemort’s rise to power, in the 80’s, after Lilly is married. Have the original Order of the Phoenix send her to meet with Snape and use their previous relation to try to milk some information out of him. Have her feel conflicted about it, have James furious about it, but have her do it anyway for the greater good. Have her meet up secretly with Snape who is angry and distrustful, knowing his must be a trap, and talk. Have the relationship slowly build over time against the backdrop of a cold-war spy thriller, as Lilly slowly realizes that she has some lingering feelings for Snape, but can’t reconcile them her loyalty to the order and her family. Make this a love story of conflicted feelings, divided loyalties, and spy-work against the background of drawing war-clouds. Have Snape offer to leave Voldemort, if she’ll leave the Order, and run away with him, but by that point she knows she’s pregnant and chooses to stay, out of loyalty even though she’s crushing on Snape. Have him show up at the rendezvous expecting for her to be there only for James to lead an Order Ambush, and a fight to ensure, on top of Tower Bridge in the howling wind and rain, Snape surviving but having his spirit crushed and fleeing before Lilly can tell him her true feelings. Make it big, and melodramatic, but above all, make it tragic. Because that’s the only way Snape works as a character. Always.

The better ship you should be doing: Ginny X Nevil or Luna x Nevil: You want tragic lovers, at school, with divided loyalties, who never get together in the main cannon because a Potter ruins it and gets the girl? Ginny X Nevil. Write what was happening that final year Harry wasn’t at school when they took Dumbledore’s Army and make it work in earnest. Heck, you could even have Snape, as headmaster, hated by them but secretly trying to protect them as a secondary character to their secret, forbidden love. You don’t want to break up Harry X Ginny? Luna X Nevil is sweet and wholesome, but also tragic as they never get a chance, having their school life taken over by the horror of that final year and the need to fight for their very souls in a school run by Death Eaters and the trauma of the Battle of Hogwarts meaning that in order to put away the past and move on, they need to leave each other behind. Hell, do an AU where they canonically end up together, why not? They deserve happiness.

Dean / Sam AKA Wincest (Supernatural)

Why I hate this ship: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. Several times.

How you could (sort of) fix this ship: You can’t: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. I guess a body-swap arc could fix this, as it’s less squicky if its just their bodies with someone else’s minds, but seriously, the reasons why this shouldn’t exist are extensively covered in the show, and it was hilarious. To be honest, I don’t hate this ship done as a joke, but I have seen some dark spots on the internet, and I can say with all honesty it’s not always treated as a joke. Some folks are really invested in this, and all I can ask is, is your home life okay?

Now, done as a joke, I’m 110% behind this. This is exactly the sort of insane wacky bullshit that makes for a good crack-fic. For example imagine that the supernatural threat of the week was book that made anything written in it come true, and the brothers are trying to find and destroy it, but they keep getting distracted by their burgeoning romantic feelings for each-other, and suddenly realise that the owner of the book is a fan on the in-universe novels, and writing slash-fic in the book. They need to find the writer before they make them do something they’ll both regret, but it’s just so distracting when Sam’s beautiful eyes are right there and- dammit, Sam, it’s happening again! Make Sam less concerned and even a little amused, with it, but make Dean hate what’s going on. Especially when the writer’s description suddenly makes Sam noticeably better hung that him. Make the villain turn out to be Becky from “Sympathy for the devil” and end with them trying to take the book away as she writes frantically to force them to do her bidding, and you’ve got yourself a good fic.

The better ship you should be doing: Cas/Sam or Cas/Dean or Cas/Sam AND Dean fic. Duh. Once again the show-runners beat the fans to the mark and pointed out that this is the best ship, and then they took it away just to fuck with us.

Any Katniss ship that ignores her obsession with Emotional Security Logic. (The Hunger Games)

Why I hate these ships: Katniss is, briefly put, a mess before the books ever start, her father’s death and harsh upbringing have arguably given her PTSD before she ever volunteers for the reaping, and it doesn’t get better from there. In psychology, Emotional Security Theory (EST) is a hypothesis that the heightened emotions surrounding repeated violent exposures leaves children vulnerable to dysregulated distress responses and eventual psychopathology, aka, why Kat be so messed up. Her internal monologue makes the books completely clear that her choice in partners is not motivated by normal affections, but by deep, deep fear. A fear of loss, abandonment and death that leads her to make every decision about what minimises her, and her sister’s, exposure to potential physical and emotional harm. It’s frantic, fraught, cold survivalist thinking. And the other characters in the book notice and acknowledge it! “Which of us will she pick?” “She’ll pick whoever she can’t survive without.” Kat doesn’t like herself for it, but she does eventually admit to herself that she makes her decisions like this.

How do we fix this ship: Ship Kat with whoever you like, but give her a good reason to pick them: and in Kat’s mind “A good reason” is based on Emotional Security Logic, she needs to have a pressing reason why this ship makes her and her sister safer. Do that, and you’ve got yourself a good Katniss story. Don’t do that, and while you may or may not have a good story, the person staring in it isn’t Katniss Everdeen anymore.

The better ship you should be writing: Finick X Annie. Or, Haymitch prequel ships

FinAnn. This, this ship has some real potential to it, and is criminally underutilized. Finick and Annie’s relationship is one of the most tragic and romantic in the story, and has so much to offer. Or, if you want to have a hard-bitten character from district 12 struggling with trying to find love in the hellish combat of the games, do a prequel in which Haymitch finds love in the capitol during training, but loses then in the area and turns to drink as a result. Heck, you could even have some fun with this and turn it into a dark comedy, or a great tragic love story, whatever you like. It’s got potential, and his backstory is vague enough you could do a lot with it.

So, tell me below why I’m wrong, and have fun with your writing: just because I hate that ship doesn’t mean you should. Enjoy yourselves.

I’m off to write awful Ax/Pina/Luna Polyjuice’d into Nevil/Cas/Finick fiction set at an anime high-school that fights a magical war against other fictional schools, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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matan4il · 5 years ago

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Buddie 316 meta

I've talked about this before, but I will seriously never be over Eddie and Buck as battlefield boyfriends (with all of that trope's glorious homoerotic tradition), which is how the episode starts. They’re a team through and through and it’s a kind of commitment and care and intimate knowledge and understanding of each other that I adore Buddie having. That’s how we get them looking through the burning building’s hallways together at the start and that moment of Eddie saying, “you wanna do a rope rescue? Of course you do.” An exasperated husband who knows his partner so well, it’s so domestic, but then he also doesn’t discourage it, just... “yep, that’s my husband, the rope rescue loving idiot!” (which Eddie is as well, so we know he actually gets it). Honestly, Bobby didn’t even have to tell Eddie that he’s going with Buck, it was a given. Of course Eddie will jump over the gap between the buildings’ rooftops onto a burning building whose roof might collapse any minute now to have his hubby’s plan executed and be there for him. He always will be, maybe with a bit of fond eyerolling, but at the end of the day, he’ll always have Buck’s back.

* * *

When Buck invites everyone to party, Eddie’s the first one to respond with that he can’t. Why? From a storytelling perspective, because that’s who the show knows would be the first one there, to celebrate with Buck. So that’s the most meaningful ‘no’, especially when we know how much Eddie and Buck hang out together outside of work anyway. But then, notice Eddie doesn’t reject Buck’s invite because he doesn’t want to or doesn’t care. Nor does he ditch Buck in favor of a romantic partner, like the rest will after he leaves. No, Chris needs Eddie and as a dad, he will always have to put his son first. Yet, he counter-invites Buck. Sure, it’s done jokingly, because he’s sure Buck wouldn’t be interested in trading a night out celebrating at a bar with friends for a sleepover with a bunch of 9 year olds (and he’s right), but he still does it. And Buck, taking his lead from him while also thinking the rest will still join him at the bar, says no with another bit of banter. But this is in part their issue, right here. Because everyone else ends up not being able to come along. And if Buddie could have had that same exchange only without the joking, maybe Eddie would tell him that he actually would for real love to have Buck there, a bunch of kids sleeping over or not. And Buck would be reminded that he’s wanted in the Diaz household, always, he might have felt less alone. But there’s a lot of communication that’s still getting lost between these two and needs resolution. Thing is that even in this scene which is about *everyone* in the 118 rejecting Buck’s celebration, Eddie’s no is still first among them in its importance to Buck and different in its dynamic. I’m here for ALL the subtle reminders of Buddie’s special connection, no matter how small.

* * *

Let’s take a second to talk about how the show emphasized the importance of having a romantic partner in this episode. I have to admit, it was a bit cringeworthy to me. I don’t like this idea that if you don’t have a spouse, your life is somehow emptier. I get that the show did this in order to bring up Abby, in preparation of her return in the next ep, but it’s absolutely untrue and unfair to all the people out there who have made the choice to be alone rather than, for example, be with the wrong person and who find a lot of self fulfillment in their life and in their choices. That’s not just valid, it’s important. But then the show redeems itself to a degree by having Buck’s resolution play out as it did: Maddie reminds him not that he will at some point be in a romantic relationship again, she reminds him that he will always have her. That while she sometimes had to leave, she never really left him behind. She always took him with her and that’s why she came back to Buck. So he will never be alone thanks to the power of sibling love. And that is beautiful. That doesn’t resolve everything for Buck, obviously. I usually analyze in these posts what we’ve already seen and try not to make predictions for the future, but in this case, I will. I think things with the 118, maybe most especially with Eddie, remain unresolved and it’s again a set up for the 317/8 finale, so they can be resolved then. If you were content with this ep, great! But if its ending doesn’t feel like enough, I hope you can find comfort in how the show did good with at least valuing the bond between siblings and in how we’re probably going to see these issues revisited, addressed and then resolved in a much more satisfying way next week.

* * *

I just wanna take a small second and give a shout out to Buck’s growth over the seasons. When everyone else leaves him, he still goes to the bar alone, but whereas in s1, he would have hooked up with a random girl and had meaningless sex to forget his trouble, now he spends his night talking to an old man and finding meaning in this interaction and caring about someone who was a complete stranger at first, but by the end of the ep, Buck has practically adopted him. Especially in light of Abby coming back and how scared Buck was to let go of her because he might revert to Buck 1.0 without her, I stan seeing how far he’s come.

* * *

When Buck tries to tell the team about Red and his own fear that the same thing might happen to the 118 and he’s looking for reassurance that it won’t, the first person he looks at is Eddie, stressing the words “to us” while he does. It echoes the way Eddie asked him in 306, “did you ever stop for a minute to think what that could do... to us?” (both emphasizing ‘to us’ to each other), a nod to how a lot of times these two talk about the team, but on some level, they’re referring to each other just as much, if not even more. And Eddie is quick to return Buck’s gaze and tell him that his fears will never be realized, Eddie even stares at him while Buck is looking away and uses Buck’s own fearful words, reflecting them back to him in a more positive way (hi, mirroring boyfriends). They’re constantly framed together by the camera throughout this whole conversation. And while the others say contradicting things, Eddie is the only one who’s only ever reassuring, while the others look to him to find a way to help Buck. It’s a small thing, but it gives me all the Buddie feels in this scene. The team remaining a family is important to Buddie, but we’re wordlessly and repeatedly shown that it’s especially important to them in the context of each other, it’s a running theme that I very much appreciate.

* * *

Since I mentioned ep 306, Buddie post lawsuit, I have to say that also happened to be the only other time when Buck clearly states to another person (until this ep and his talk with Maddie) that sometimes he feels like he gets left behind. In trying to explain to Eddie his decision to go ahead with the lawsuit despite possible repercussions, Buck said it felt like they were moving on without him. Different words, same sentiment and once more, we have Buck confiding in Eddie more than in any other person. It took months for him to be able to verbalize this to Maddie and so far, his sister and Eddie are still the only two people he explicitly has done this with. I think about the level of trust and care that Buck must feel when it comes to Eddie that allowed him to do that (and yes, fear of losing him, too) and it makes me glad that they have that. That Buck could speak to him like that. And again, I mentioned this in my post about what Eddie does for Buck, how Eddie understood right away Buck’s hurt and sense of abandonment and he came back to Buck immediately by putting away all of his anger because Buck needed him to and that feels even more significant after 316 and I’m crying, kthnxbi.

* * *

Buck mentions to Maddie how painful it is to have someone that you love so much look at you and not see you. And I’m just over here, wondering to myself if it isn’t in a sense what’s going on with Buddie. They love each other and they look at each other, constantly, but there’s a part of each other they don’t see yet. Which is maybe why they’re so oblivious to their own feelings right now, a protection mechanism from that pain of not being seen, not completely, by someone who matters so much. IDK if the show will let them become canon, but if it will, just imagine the moment when they get to see each other fully... I swear, I will cry forever.

ALL OF MY LOVE AND GRATITUDE to @riarklus, can we just collectively agree for a second that she’s brilliant and that her gifs are art? Honest to God masterpieces that make me wanna cry with their beauty.

#Buddie #buddie meta #wm #911 on abc #911abc #911 abc

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ofaylin · 5 years ago

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⌠ BAHAR SAHIN, 19 CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, AYLIN KALELI! according to their records, they’re a SECOND year, specializing in LINGUISTICS, CULTURE, & ASSIMILATION; and they DID go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (hair pulled back with a chanel ribbon, lycra boots with razor blades in the heel, champagne and french macarons in a bubble bath, wiping your tears with a $100 bill). when it’s the (leo)’s birthday on 8/3/00 they always request their FRENCH FRIES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation.

hi, hello, i’ve been sitting on this idea for a while and i was going to wait until june but with all these new characters i just got too excited ?! so, fuck it, i’m here now, i can’t help myself. for plots, feel free to message me here on tumblr or hmu on discord @ #kati7600, but check out her intro below the cut ! // ty @gallagherintro

INSPIRATION.

bex baxter – gallagher girls

carmen cortez – spy kids

blair waldorf – gossip girl

cher horowitz – clueless

torrance shipman – bring it on

jackie burkhart – that 70s show

BACKGROUND.

both of her parents work for the national intelligence organization of turkey, they’re big shots and they make a lot of money! she has two older sisters and she’s born into a world of wealth and expectations. it won’t take her long to learn more languages than years she has lived, and waking up early to run drills and do obstacle courses with her sisters is routine.

picture perfect on the outside, the household within goes through turmoil. her mother is promoted to the director of the NIO and it puts a strain on her parent’s relationship. her father starts taking more business trips, and aylin and her sisters spend nights sitting on the top of the stairs, listening in on phone conversations. aylin’s the youngest, so she doesn’t really understand what’s going on and needs to have it broken down.

aylin had always LOVED her parent’s love story – they met on a mission and they were partners for years, it’s all very romantic. so the divorce leaves her confused. how could you stop loving someone? how could you just give up?

both of her parents are an active part of her life, the divorce is...fairly amicable and they share custody. the only thing aylin doesn’t like is her father’s new girlfriend, young and totally uninvolved in the world of espionage. the girl could be her sister. aylin spends her time split between two houses, half-belonging to each, but her parents feel GUILTY so aylin quickly learns how to use that guilt to get what she wants, whether it’s freedom or material goods.

she’s a little spoiled, but it doesn’t satisfy her. nothing really does, it just makes her feel sort of empty, so she works harder, filling time with books and training with her older sisters who tell her cool stories from their spy prep schools and teach aylin things they’ve learned when they come home for breaks. aylin long for the day when she’s not splitting your time between other people’s homes and she’s in a place that she can really call her own.

she goes to the same spy prep school that her older sisters did in london. she’s competitive from the get-go because she’s a kelali and people already expect things from her to begin with. she smiles when people call her by her sister’s name or mention her mother, but inside she’s seething, eager to prove that she’s good because she works hard, not because she’s someone’s sister or daughter.

it’d be a lie to say that aylin didn’t step on a few toes, and the way she skyrocket to valedictorian is a little less than savory – she reports her competition for illicit activities, and...perhaps she planted something in their locker idk!!!

she has her pick of spy prep colleges across the nation, but her mom really encourages her to choose gallagher. why? that’s weird, her mom never went there and neither does the rest of her family! but aylin really likes the idea of a place that’s all hers and she’s always wanted to see america, so she chooses it. she’s a bit smug about being ahead of others because she’s been reading books on espionage since age 4, and if you don’t know sixteen languages, stay out of her way.

PERSONALITY:

PROUD. aylin is a very proud person, she grew up in an affluent household with important parents. when faced with a challenge, it’s her pride that tends to motivate her to be the best because she feels like she has something to prove, and she’ll turn her nose up at you until she gets it. this also makes her stubborn.

INTELLIGENT. aylin was raised in an environment where she was being trained since her childhood, knowing about espionage since she could speak, but she also has an iq of 122, so not quite genius level but she’s getting there. she’s the head cheerleader type that you’d be surprised is actually really good at math.

HARD-WORKING. queen of taking on too many extracurriculars at all times! honestly she tends to overexert herself until she burns out, but she wants it all – the exciting social life, the straight As, the meaningful connections, the parties, when does she sleep? maybe never.

SNOBBISH. honestly, she doesn’t mean to come off as a snob but she definitely does because she hasn’t really known anything other than crystal dishware and fancy clothes. she doesn’t even comprehend that other people don’t come from the same place of privilege that she has.

FUN-LOVING. the girl you want to party with! just because she’s a good student, she wouldn’t want you to think that she doesn’t know how to have a good time. aylin operates in extremes, so she parties just as hard as she studies and has a tendency to get carried away, but let it be known that she’s doing this for herself and not for anyone else’s attention.

MANIPULATIVE. aylin will step on toes to get what she wants, and she’s not scared to fight dirty. she tends to stay in the lines of what’s legal of course, but if she sees a window into getting what she wants, she’ll say what she needs to in order to get it. honestly, she can be a bit callous with the way she uses people and doesn’t always understand the effects of her actions. she would tell you that the ends justify the means. yikes.

INDEPENDENT. doesn’t need you or anyone else and wants you to know it. her confidence is genuine and real, and she doesn’t attribute any of her accomplishments to her family name – she’s not insecure about it, she knows that she’s good at what she does.

HEADCANONS.

started school early, so she’s a bit young for her grade by a year. she sees this as a positive thing and will brag to you about how she’s younger AND smarter. annoying.

acts like she really likes healthy food and eats a salad in public ( will tell you that’s her favorite food ) but she’s weak for things that are greasy and fried and will be pigging out in secret. her favorite food is french fries but you probably wouldn’t guess that about her !

languages she knows: english, french, turkish, arabic, german, kurmanji, italian, dutch, spanish, mandarin, japanese, latin, hindustani, malay, russian, bengali. some are better than others and some she reads more than she can really speak.

taught herself to skateboard since coming to america since it seemed like the thing to do based on watching american films. she will ride her little penny board in high heels and loves it ! and you thought i couldn’t make her more annoying !

tons of expensive lingerie but u can look but don’t touch.

bisexual but still not interested in you.

leo with a virgo rising and cancer moon. i am so SORRY !

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

SERENA TO HER BLAIR. literally her best friend ever, but they probably have a sort of on-off friendship because they’re strong personalities and get in each other’s business. however, when it comes down to it, they’ll always put the other first and they love each other immensely, would kill a man for the other. but they’re also pretty competitive too.

GIRL SQUAD. i just want her to have a couple close girl friends that are all close...you know. i would love if one of them was more subdued and totally chill about everything, maybe a wallflower type, and then another that’s kind of nerdy ? but also cool, you know. i’m just dreaming.

EX/BESTIE. aylin and this person used to date like forever ago, but mutually decided that they made better friends than romantic partners. they care about each other a lot, and they probably make jokes about how they USED to date. a healthy ex connection basically !

ON/OFF THING. because for every healthy ex i also want something kind of toxic. essentially it’s not good for either of them and they just keep going back to each other because, well, it’s a place of comfort or whatever. they drive each other fucking crazy though and no one can keep up with whether they hate each other’s guts today or if they’re all heart eyes.

SWORN ENEMY. but for a justified reason, like aylin probably screwed them over for something academic or even in a campus club or something. if your character went to a spy prep school, maybe they’re the person that aylin screwed out of the valedictorian role ? might submit a WC for that cause. fun.

PROJECT. like my fair lady, be aylin’s eliza doolittle, let her she’s the man you, whatever. essentially, your character might by shy, nervous, or new to the spy world and aylin wants to give them a metaphoric ( or maybe even physical ! ) makeover and help them get acclimated, teach them the ways of the world. i’m also picturing that pic of the lesbians, u know what i mean. i can’t find it, but i google searched “girl doing the other girls makeup, gay”

FORBIDDEN FRIENDSHIPS/LOVE. idk something totally not allowed. if this was sooner i’d want her ass to have a crush on a witness protection kid. however, her parents work for the turkish NIO, so perhaps your muse’s parents or family have been involved in something rivaling that so they’re not supposed to get along.

MARRIED COUPLE FRIENDS. these are friends that are so close that they’re practically a married couple?? i’d love to do a platonic m/f thing with this, where they fight and get on to each other like they’re married but love each other like it too. lil grandparents of their friend group.

CRUSHER. someone who has a crush on her, probably because they’re fascinated with the idea of her and not her true problematic self. she’d probably be kinda rude to them and i’d love to plot this out long enough for that crush to turn to dislike once they recognize the selfish parts of her or notice she’s been making fun of them. maybe a flipped scenario.

ONE NIGHT STAND. maybe after a few too many drinks, they hooked up. something recent so we can make it super awkward and potentially funny.

SET-UP. your character’s parents are close friend’s with aylin’s and they’re trying to set aylin up with your character. aylin and your character are NOT compatible at all and it’s hilarious.

OVERSEAS. they met while they were both abroad together one summer, and they accidentally got into some trouble with international police maybe just for being too drunk on the streets or acting stupid, climbing stuff. aylin considers your character a liability and has avoided them since, disregarding the fun times they had.

RIVALS/ENEMIES WITH SEXUAL TENSION.

EXISTING CONNECTIONS.

NAZ FARHI. her cousin. the two of them don’t NOT get along...but aylin really thought she would come to a school and be the only one of her family members there and then naz showed up ! determined to make it clear that she’s the best.

JO TRAN. rival/dislike. took one of the upper-level courses because she could and her attitude got on jo’s nerves because what doesn’t get on jo’s nerves. aylin’s just the epitome of everything that pisses jo off.

KASSANDRA SUTTON. bad friend to. one of those friendships where one person takes more than they give, and it’s not ON PURPOSE, but kass is really just so easy to take advantage of, aylin’s ALWAYS running to her when she needs a favor.

#gallagher:intro

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alexisrodrigues · 5 years ago

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SFW Alphabet for Alec Holland

Bc nobody asked, but here we go (pic not mine)

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Alec is very affectionate if permission is given. Considering he does not have many friends due to what he did, he will cherish the new ones he may find. In a romantic aspect, likes to cuddle, kiss on the forehead, will either sit on SO's lap or pull them to his. He will probably call to check if his SO is okay during the day. When it comes to family, he's also very caring for his parents and will call them at least once a week to check how they're doing. Not a mama's boy, but, you know, has a deep respect for her due to all the sacrifices she has made to raise him and will not waste his second chance of getting it right this time.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He is an easy friendship starter (if given the chance). Alec is easygoing, can and will talk about basically everything and loves to listen other people's opinions on subjects he likes. As a best friend, always checks on his friends well being, tends to plan small meetings for dinner and such, likes to go to the movies with them or just stay home watching anything on TV. Can talk for hours and listen for hours, great listener btw.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He loves to cuddle ♡ Alec is the kind of man that knows his hugs and where to use them, so, if his friends and SOs ever feel down, he know just how to hug them to make them cry and feel better afterwards. Has special way of hugging, people can almost tell him their whole lives bc of that. Is the healer kind of hugger.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

Settle down is def one of his plans. Wants to work as hard as he can to gain people's trusts back and his reputation while saving money for a house, a real home, where Garou can live more comfortably and him himself. Loves to cook and does it whenever he can. Likes to keep everything clean and neat bc he is the organized type (in his own disorganization).

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Face to face ALWAYS. Honesty means a lot to him and if he ever had to do it (as he did before), he would suggest a meeting in a private place to really talk about their break up and would do his best not to anger the ex.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Not rushing to marry the first person he sees, but, if the relationship becomes steady and strong, would consider the idea, specially if a soul sync between him and his SO exists.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Always gentle, even in hard situations. Knows that people react in different ways to everything and will do his best to be part of the solution and not the problem. Treats everyone with respect, even if he's angry with them. As a big hugger, total gentle with people he likes, and even more with friends, family and SO.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

BIG HUGGER screams when you look at him. Does it everyday with his SO, and whenever possible with his family and friends. Bear hug, firm, warm and gentle.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Considering how easily he falls in love with people, if he's in a relationship where, to a level, he has a lot in common with the other person, specially regarding world view, that will happen in less than six months. If all the passion and friendship is strong and stable, consider three months in for this to happen.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He is calm in nature and trusts his SOs bc he knows himself and his worth (and would never get himself in a relationship where total disclosure, honesty and an open heart doesn't exists), so he doesn't get jealous, really, but rather annoyed if he figures his SO is being bothered by someone else. Will fight the asshole off if needed, but violence is always the last option.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Slow and intense, he likes to savour every little thing in his SO. Prefers to kiss where they are by themselves, and will go for the lips first. Loves to be kissed in the neck, it drives him wild.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He likes them and they like him bc he is the awkward uncle who tells them scary stories if camping and helps them with science stuff from school. Always amazed by their honesty. Would like to become a father once his life is stable enough, doesn't care if by adoption or natural born, but feels that adoption is the most adequate.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Calm is the best way of describing it. Alec usually wakes up first, showers, dresses and makes breakfast for his SO. If it's a lazy day, will probably walk around the house or apt using his boxers and sandals only. After eating, will either read a book out loud to his SO or have a book read for him, maybe watch fluffy stuff like romance movies and such.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

After a long day of work, he tends to go home as soon as possible to shower and lay down. Will talk to his SO before sleeping, asking about their day. Sleeps in cotton pajamas bc they're comfy.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

If the sync is great, intense, if they're on the same page, he will open up as soon as he can, and he will tell them everything, including the mistakes he has made, bc truth and trust are important to him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He doesn't. No, really, like, it takes a real asshole to unbalance him bc Alec knows that anger gets no one nowhere.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He doesn't remember every single thing, but doesn't forget everything neither. Will remember what he considers to be meaningful, tho.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Probably the moment he realized he loved his SO.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Protective AF, but not in a overwhelming way. Calls to check on them, if they're injured he'll take care of them (if it's serious, will take them to the hospital in no time). He likes being taken care of, but doesn't feel the need of being protected (mainly bc he doesn't see danger in situations that only involve him, what is a huge problem and is what got him killed in the show in the first place).

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

A lot. He likes to impress his SO, so even if he's short on money, he'll improvise to make dates and anniversaries special. On everyday tasks, makes sure all is in order at home. If his SO writes the grocery shopping list, he'll maks sure he buys everything. Always has his house or apt clean and in order.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

Not eating properly at work, not sleeping as much as he should when he has to stay in his lab.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Not much, but makes sure he has a haircut every month. Likes to keep his beard short. Likes to dress simple.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

If you were his soulmate and like, happen to die, he would feel a hole in his chest, see the life grey and shit. Nothing would make him happy like before.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Helpless romantic. Whenever possible, will shower his SO with love.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Too much perfume, his stomach gets upset.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Likes to sleep early, but if not possible, can endure almost a day without sleeping.

Which is really fckng dangerous.

#alec holland headcanons #swamp thing headcanons #swamp thing imagine #alec holland imagine #SFW alphabet #alec holland

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hydra-collector · 5 years ago

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Let Me Go (Special)

AO3

Let Me Go

Pairings: Intrulogical, platonic Analogical

Characters: Logan Sanders, Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Janus Sanders (small character)

TW: lots of self-deprecation, sex mention

Words: 1838

Summary: Backstory to Logan and Remus’s relationship in sophomore year.

Note: I wanted to write this for a while, but I mostly wrote it now because I needed an excuse to make a series out of this and boost it on AO3. Still not sure if it’s gonna work.

They just look so soft.

Logan desperately wanted to be with them. It wasn’t like anything he’d felt before. Sure, he’d had crushes, but Remus was on another level. It was odd, really, that he could be this infatuated with someone. Virgil had been trying to convince him to ask them out, but he couldn’t see why they’d want to date him. He was annoying, dumb, and ugly.

“C’mon, Logan. Do it.”

“Why would they accept?”

“Why do you think? They blush every time they see you. Y’all can’t even talk to each other anymore, you’re so in love.”

Logan and Remus had met last year, freshman. They’d argued back to the teacher, who decided to give them detention. Logan, however, believed that they’d made a strong point about the content of their learning in school (even though they suggested some… odd topics instead,) and he argued against the teacher as well.

That was the first time Logan Berry had gotten detention.

The second time was also for their sake, or rather, it was their fault. They’d passed a note to Logan, which simply read, “See you after school.” He obviously hadn’t understood what they meant until they started talking to him, out loud, randomly.

That was the second time the pair of them got detention.

Logan’s had been excused afterwards due to his explained circumstances, but that moment had released a bit of freedom in him. He’d gotten detention. He hadn’t followed the rules.

When he looked back, sitting in the middle of a nearly empty class with Remus next to him, their pretty face smiling, even in the crappy classroom’s lighting, just seeing the eyes and the person and the lips that had brought him here-

He fell in love.

Remus and Logan became friends, and everything changed. They taught him risks and adventure, that life didn’t revolve around being perfect and doing things right. They’d gotten him out of the, so far, darkest point of his life. They’d taught him creativity and experimentation, that he could do more than what school said, or history said, or anything did. He could experiment with how many water balloons you could pile on top of one another before they popped. None of the experiments were perfect or particularly scientific, but god did he have fun.

He started going outside, taking trips to old record shops, thrift stores, and malls, just to see everything. Remus had even convinced him to break into some old mansions and trespass on abandoned train tracks together. He never once took a picture. It was all for his memory.

They’d been each other’s compliment, and listened to each other when no one else cared what they had to say. They could talk and talk and never get bored of each other, just keep listening or adding on to what the other was saying. Sometimes they wondered where all these conversations came from, when all the topics in the world seemed to have run out, but still there was something to say.

Disagreements were never fights. Never. It was always a discussion, talking about how “I’m right and this is why,” while the other tried to change their mind. No one’s ever was, but disagreement is what kept them from doing many stupid things.

And it didn’t last forever, as nothing does. But those were some of the happiest times of his teenage years.

Logan hadn’t realized until Janus had told him that he was in fact, in love.

Remus had realized the moment they laid eyes on Logan and savored every minute they spent together after. They didn’t want to ruin the wonderful platonic relationship they had. And besides, Logan had friends who would convince him to confess if he felt the same way.

Virgil was right about barely being able to talk to each other. Ever since Janus had pointed out his obvious feelings, he’d been especially awkward. He hated it. He knew he should confess in order to retain a steady relationship, platonic or romantic.

But how?

“How do you suggest I go about doing it? I’d like to retain a bit of… me, but being in love is probably a very unlike me kind of thing.”

“No, it is not, Logan. You’ve had crushes on like, six people since I met you.”

“It’s different, though.”

“Why not just tell them ‘I love you?’ It’s simple and obvious and fits your style.”

“What if they take it the wrong way, assume it’s platonic?”

“I guess that could happen. What’s something that’s obviously romantic? ‘I wanna date you?’”

“It sounds odd, though.”

“Wow, picky?”

“I mean, it could work, but I’d rather something more memorable or meaningful.”

“I wanna fuck you?”

Logan tensed. “Ah, um, I’d rather, no.”

“Okay, okay. Do you want to kiss them?”

He thought for a moment, imagining their face, and the love he felt for them, their beautiful eyes and soft cheeks, squishy belly he wished he had the permission to cuddle. The arms that made him nearly collapse because of the wonderful feeling their hugs brought him, their short stature compared to his, and their beautiful lips, out of which so many wonderful ideas and opinions spewed out. He wanted to kiss those lips.

“...Yes.”

“You could use that.”

“I think… maybe I will.”

Today.

Today he was going to tell them.

He’d invited them over to his house, where he imagined over and over telling them, all the ways they might react, especially the negative ways.

He could barely talk to Remus as they walked to his house together, just listening to the endless ideas they came up with. Each word made him love them more and more. Endless possibilities for how the scene may play out repeated over and over in his mind as he panicked internally, hoping they didn’t actually hate him like his brain said they did.

The cold air nipped at his nose and fingers, so he rubbed his hands together in a sad attempt to warm up.

“Cold hands, Lo?”

They took his hands and held them in previously gloved ones, which were still warm. They held them there, trading positions to better warm different fingers every few seconds. Logan felt the heat in his cheeks as well.

When they got inside, Remus went to Logan’s cupboard to grab and make two hot cocoa packets.

“That’s extremely unhealthy.”

Remus said nothing, simply adding another packet to their cup, watching Logan.

“Remus-”

He sighed and let it happen. That was the least of his worries now.

Logan’s heart beat as Remus brought their hot cocoas upstairs to his living room, where he’d planned to confess. They sat down on the couch, putting their arm around him when he did as well.

“Remus, I’ve been meaning to tell you about something.”

“Once you do, do you wanna talk about ancient sea creatures? I read a really good article. Hey, are you alright?”

Logan was shaking with fear, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, everything one could be shaking with.

“Y-yeah.”

“Tell me what you were gonna say. I’m curious.”

What if they hate you? What if they don’t want to be your friend anymore? What if they think it’s weird to date if your asexual? How could they even love you when you are who you are?

He took a deep breath, hoping for the best.

“I want to kiss you.”

“Say no more.”

And Logan had been kissed.

Whatever scenarios ran through his head, this wasn’t one of them. There was one where they’d talked about relationships, one where they agreed and awkwardly asked to and then kissed, one where he was flat-out rejected, one where they thought it was a joke, but nothing like this. Where they just kiss him. He was glad it happened that way.

Logan had expected some kind of verbal reaction, at least. Something like “me too,” or a flirt, at least. But no, just “say no more.” And now he was kissing Remus.

He hadn’t expected to ever reach this point. To be kissing someone he really liked. He wished it would last longer than he knew it would.

He could always kiss them again.

After the few seconds their first kiss had been, both were blushing severely, broken apart. Neither of them said anything, so Logan took his chance to kiss them again. Remus wouldn’t have taken them for someone to initiate a kiss. They weren’t mad, though.

“Thanks.”

What?

“You’re welcome, I guess.”

They laughed it off and spent the next hour discussing the relationships of sea creatures. Probably to avoid talking about their own.

At first, nothing changed much. They still went out on ‘adventures’ together, had the same conversations, interacted with their other friends the same way, and more or less thought of each other the same as they had before.

Logan asked Remus on their first date.

They couldn’t ignore what’d happened forever, and while they weren’t against discussing it, it hadn’t come up naturally. Logan proposed it as a chance to talk about what was to become of their relationship.

“Would you like to consistently date, Remus?”

“I’d enjoy that.”

“My being asexual isn’t a problem?”

“Nah,” they sipped their coffee, “I fell in love with you anyway.”

That was a relief.

“What should we call ourselves, if anything?”

“At somepoint, probably partners. In crime.”

“Don’t remind me that that’s true.”

“I don’t know how I managed to get a date. ‘Specially with you. You’re so cute and all I do is talk about organs and weird creatures and make sex jokes.”

“I do that too, Remus. Usually not sex jokes, though. And I disagree, I’m quite ugly and frankly obnoxious to most people I meet. You’re pretty and lovable.”

“I suppose I’m not most people you meet, then. And I can’t even begin to explain how cute you are. Your glasses make it perfect.”

Logan asked Remus on most of the dates, mostly because wherever they would ask him was illegal or paid, often museums. Logan savored these days.

As they went on more dates, kissed more openly, cuddled more often, the consideration of each other changed from ‘dating’ to ‘partner’ and ‘boyfriend.’ The first time Remus gave Logan a pet name, he was initially adverse to it, but warmed up to them as they kept saying them. After a while, they probably used it more than his real name. He still refused to return affection in this form, however. Remus was sure he someday would (he denied it.)

They were happy together. Janus was glad to see Logan had expressed his emotions, for once, and it led to a lot more happiness. It wasn’t always going to be as happy as it was that year, but he had someone as close as a romantic partner to help him through it. A few years later, he would make decisions he’d later regret, but there was no regret for confessing his love that day.

And sophomore year, those two best friends became partners.

#sanders sides #sanders side fic #logan sanders #remus sanders #intrulogical #ts logan #ts remus #sanders sides fanfiction #ts sides fanfiction #tw sex mention #lmao the first part isnt bad and then it all went to shit #tw self deprecation #kissing #idfk waht im doing anymroe #platonic analogical #grays fics #let me go #tw cussing

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seddm · 6 years ago

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STARCO OVERVIEW - Season 2 (part 1)

SEASON 1

SEASON 2 (part 1) (part 2)

SEASON 3 (Incoming)

SEASON 4 (Incoming)

MY NEW WAND (2x01a)

Ignoring all the questions that naturally come with a season premiere opening on Star videochatting in the bathroom while Marco is taking a shower - questions that usually lead to “why the shit did they need four seasons to start smooching”, My New Wand finally introduces the idea that Star might feel something more than friendship for Marco. We aren’t told what she wrote in her diary (even if we know now, thanks to the Book of Spells, and it’s essentially a slightly more consciously skewed toward romance version of Marco’s “I felt like this since the beginning” in Here to Help),

but the structure of the scene and the “diary of a teenage girl which can’t be seen by her bestie” clearly directed the attention of the viewers in a very defined direction. One subtly highlighted by the super inconspicuous shape of the key (sure, lots of Star’s spells and elements are heart shaped or themed, but in this specific case having the concepts such as “heart” “key” “secret diary” and “crush” all in one shot is suspicious at the very least).

As usual, UNCONSCIOUS FEELINGS: Star was generically embarrassed about Marco reading her diary, because that’s something any teen girl would do. She wasn’t consciously crushing on Marco yet at this point, at most she sometimes felt things like “wow he’s cute” and stuff like that on top of an incredibly strong relationship. It’s akin to what Marco experiences in Blood Moon Ball, but since Star is more “aggressive” with her feelings, and since Marco is going to get serious with Jackie, she’s going to consciously include “romantic attraction” in the recipe of her friendship with Marco about half a season earlier than him.

Another important element in the episode is the introduction to dipping down, a proper version of what Star did in Storm the Castle. Long story short, as Moon tells Star, the key to dipping down are strong emotions.

Wanting to save Marco when Toffee kidnapped him, being embarrassed about him reading her diary here. I’m not saying that Marco is the only key to Star’s maturing, obviously - and later on she’s going to dip down even more for reasons not directly connected to him, but this early in the show he always is, one way or another, the focal point of her character arc, and Glossaryck knows it and uses him to teach his problematic student in unorthodox ways - it’s clear that he’s the one who closed Marco in the closet in this episode, and directed him toward Star’s diary, well knowing that it might have helped her get a first feeling of what dipping down is like. He literally says that finding Star’s secret is the way to have her reach the chunks, which is what he used with her as a metaphor for channeling magic through dipping down.

So strong emotions = dipping down --> Marco = source of very strong emotions for Star. Not the only source, but definitely the main one, especially in S1 and S2. This is an important point for Star’s whole character arc: it’s true that in S3 and S4 there are going to be less meaningful Star - Marco interactions, and that they’re both going to have many more moments of growth while interacting with other characters, but that’s the whole point of it. At the beginning of the series both dorks are walking disasters; by interacting together, by complementing each other and their shortcoming, they slowly mature into something better, individuals who are now ready to start stepping (slowly, very slowly, their journey won’t be complete until the end of the series) into the real world and take on it. So while I’m the first one who got frustrated and saddened by the relative lack of Starco moments in later seasons (relative is the keyword) it’s also important to keep in mind that it never meant that their relationship became less important and relevant, just that during their first months together they left a real and tangible effect on each other, leading to meaningful growth that allowed the writers to believably open up roads to different kind of interactions and “plot devices” for growth. This is what I mean when I say things like “meeting Marco is what allowed Star to defeat Toffee”. Obviously there are several degrees of separation, and several moments of growth / plot for Star that didn’t even involve Marco, but without their meeting she wouldn’t have matured as fast, she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to confront herself with a friend who was ready to help put some order in her super messed up life life. From the Book of Spells: “When we are together he sees the chaos in the world and sort of embraces it”. This is a direct quote from Star’s diary, something the writers of the show wanted to point out before S4 while referring to early S1 Star.

Marco has been, since the beginning, the first and most important key to Star’s development (even if not the only one), the “force” that first allowed her to start her journey toward maturity and become the kind of person who could go from being “a skimmer” to being proud of being “a dipper”. And in this S2 premiere we get a very direct taste of it, with Glossaryck using Marco as a bait to help Star learn.

Important bonus: the face Star makes for a handful of frames after having seen a naked Marco being YEETed across her room.

MR. CANDLE CARES (2x02a)

I wrote a lot about this episode in multiple posts, so I’m going to be extremely focused on the Star - Marco stuff only this time:

Marco smiles like that when he sees Star getting out from the office, and it endlessly warms my heart.

Both Star and Marco are clearly not thinking about each other in romantic terms in the slightest during this episode, the former harshly denying the possibility of any feeling for her bestie, the latter not being ashamed in the slightest about talking about creative making out techniques to trick Tom into revealing himself. And yet just two segments earlier Star didn’t want Marco to read a part of her diary where she might have said something crush-related. Unconscious feelings, Heart and Mind not agreeing on something, it’s always the same deal, the whole show is going to play with this idea of extreme disconnection between what one might feel and what one might consciously know they want (concept directly introduced in Sleepover) as a way to justify the ever growing emotional intimacy between Star and Marco while taking their sweet time to actually deliver any romance related developments. We all have to accept it, or it becomes frustrating and impossible to read some of the passages in the series, especially during S3 and early S4, because we’d get lost in trying to plot the trends of their feelings on a graph and that’s a fool’s errand. When the show wants to tell us “A CHARACTER FEELS SOMETHING STRONGLY AND THIS THING IS IMPORTANT” they’re not subtle about it, and that’s vastly more important than anything else.

Marco stops playing to dreamingly appreciate Star and state how endearing he finds a part of her personality which might be frustrating to most (and it is to Tom, despite him also being attracted to it at the same time).

Appreciating your partners’ quirks is Love Story Writing 101, and this is going to be particularly evident in Curse of the Blood Moon (”I like every single thing about you”) and Here to Help (Star chuckling at Marco’s clumsiness). In this specific case it’s obviously premature to talk about “love” and it’s mostly a delicious bonus that presents a comparison between Tom and Marco, evidencing both their points in common (they’re both fascinated by Star’s personality and individuality) and differences (Tom is frustrated by this part of Star’s personality as well, since it doesn’t mix well with his controlling nature, while Marco learned to embrace it).

The important part, my favorite example to show people why and how Marco had an incredibly important influence on Star’s growth, especially during the first part of the series: Star spends most of the day panicking over Mr. Candle and then her mom’s words, she feels trapped in a role she didn’t want, lacking any freedom and prospect in life beyond her role as a future queen (interestingly she feels stuck in life, just like Marco in the following episode, but not out of lack of direction, but excess of it!). Then Marco gets home, talks to her for twenty seconds, and he immediately manages not only to calm her down, but he also gives her a new perspective on her life, and on her possibilities as a princess (and we know that she is definitely going to use her authority in her own way during S3), all of this while always following the style outlined by Blood Moon Ball: not a teacher or someone who tells her what she should do, just a friend nudging her in the right direction, telling her what she needed to hear. A Version 1.0 of his speech about finding your own happiness from Beach Day, in a way - the theme of free will and self determination was present since the beginning, even if at the time there obviously seemed to be less freedom in Star’s life, since she was supposed to inherit the throne, eventually.

Bonus points for the Alphonse The Worthy’s portrait from Blood Moon Ball moving his eyes to look at the two hugging, and for the demon highlighting with “point Marco” that he ultimately won the day when it came to wanting to be at Star’s side. Minus point for Star still acting coy at Tom’s compliment showing that she still had unresolved attraction for him.

RED BELT (2x02b)

The events of the episode itself aren’t particularly related to Starco, but it formally introduces Marco’s own “coming of age” arc, by telling us that he’s scared about being stuck in life, left without a goal or a purpose and without any meaningful connection. Needless to say that the “squire arc” from Sophomore Slump to The Knight Shift is going to address this, and that Star (as a person, but also as a mean to step into a bigger world) is going to be fundamental for Marco’s growth. While talking about the series premiere I mentioned that Star’s main role in Marco’s life is helping him become a better version of himself, stepping out of his comfort zone and managing to find his own path toward fulfillment and happiness, and Star is not just going to be extremely important for this, in different ways during the many different arcs, but she’s eventually going to be identified as THE single most important element. In The Knight Shift Marco is going to realize that he wants a lot of things from his life, that he wants to make experiences and slowly decide what he wants to do in the future without being scared about having to figure out everything here and now, lest being left behind, but he’s also going to realize that Star’s presence is essential to his happiness, that their relationship is the one lifelong post he feels like he has to commit, despite being just a teen with all his life in front of him.

So Red Belt doesn’t really have any relevant Starco interactions, but it introduces a part of Marco’s journey as a character that’s going to be incredibly connected to Star’s presence in his life.

As for the nightmare itself, don’t ask. It uses a lot of generic dream-like imagery to make things confusing and symbolic, with some elements from the first half of the season (Mr. Candle, the colors green and purple, associated to the magic subplot, the suit from Bonbon The Birthday Clown...). Maybe the Blood Moon being there was on purpose, a symbol for “you’re worried about having no goal in life, but your friend can be the key for you to gain maturity and fulfillment!”, maybe it was just “red belt, red balloon, spooky imagery... let’s put in the Blood Moon!”. Lots of things in visual media are done just for “rules of cool” or to give the scene a particular kind of mood that can help focus the attention of the viewers.

STAR ON WHEELS (2x03a)

This episode, in its extreme weirdness, is like an a super condensed recap of the important parts of Star and Marco’s relationship - with focus on the Star’s side of things, but there’s also some for Marco:

Star she gets excited about Marco teaching her something about Earth culture - riding a bike, which at the same time is also something new that could be compared to her getting her wand;

She overdoes and she messes up / can’t properly handle the situation;

Marco gets overwhelmed by this, but then learns to embrace the weirdness of Mewni / magic for Star’s sake (more or less like what happened in the first episode, or at least during her first encounters with Star and her world);

and Star has to come to terms with the fact that she’s in another dimension now, embracing part of it just like Marco did, and growing from it, and Marco has a big role in convincing her about it;

And while it’s at it, the episode includes other important themes (central to Star as a person in general, but in this case highlighted through her interactions with Marco), such as Star’s stubbornness and hostility toward doing and learning stuff when just told what to do,

and the resulting moment of learning and growth when Marco, instead of just “ordering her” what to do, gives her some of the trust that she desperately needs, and with it the confidence to actually try and succeed on her own (this all connects to the larger arc of Glossaryck teaching Star stuff in unconventional ways).

And since it never hurts we get reminded one more time how much Star resents being lied to and how important trust is to her.

Obviously the whole episode is extremely silly, the whole situation requires a lot of suspension of disbelief to work and the “emotional moments” of the episode are extremely hammed up - we get a heartwarming “I trust you.” moment when the situation at hand involves learning to ride a bike! But it’s still a good way to have in a slick 11 minutes long package a super-cut of (part of) what Star and Marco brought into each other’s lives, and how that affected them and their way to interact with the world.

FETCH (2x03b)

Wow look in an episode that directly introduces the “stop running from your problems” arc for Star we get told by Sta herself that having your own Marco is important to give you the support you need to feel less overwhelmed by life - and thus less prone to ignore problems, it’s almost like he’s important to her in that way and that in Lint Catcher the dubbin vows when she makes him her squire further drive home the idea that he’s her ideal companion.

STAR VS ECHO CREEK (2x04a)

Another episode about “running away from problems”, in this case Star physically runs away from her problems and tries to avoid consequences. And sure, at the beginning of the episode Marco tries to tell her not to run away and we could argue once again about the positive influence and role Marco has on Star, but we know about it already. What’s REALLY important and huge is that by the end of the episode Star, the same person whose greatest fear in S1 was going to St. Olga and thus losing her freedom, gets convinced while talking with her own subconscious that going to prison (= facing problems and consequences instead of running away carefree) is a better alternative to never being able to see Marco again. This is the same concept I talked about at the beginning of the post: it’s not like Marco is the ONLY important person in Star’s life, she obviously loves her family as well and in later seasons she’s going to interact with other characters as well, but at this point of the story Marco is the person who she actively cares the most about, and the one who better understands her (this is going to be a constant throughout the series, obviously), so almost all big moments of learning and self reflection for Star are somehow related to him. And while saying that Marco is the most important person in the world to Star (and vice versa) might not have been entirely correct by this point of the series (mostly because we lacked proper perspective), it becomes absolutely true by the end of it, as their choices in Cleaved highlight.

So yes, sure, logically speaking, and going beyond the simple plot of this episode, Star would have missed a number of persons if she spent her life hiding just to run away from her problems, but as far as early S2 experiences and subconscious goes, it all relates back to Marco, one way to another. After all we know that they both had an intense and special relationship from the beginning, and it’s going to keep being something unique that they don’t share with anyone else throughout the whole show, even when they’re going to date other people, even when there aren’t going to be as many episodes featuring both of them together.

Bonus gratuitously adorable shot. Marco didn’t love-love Star from the beginning, we know that, but Gloss damnit, did he LOVE her from the beginning. I know that the series might not have had the best of pacing and some choices concerning shipping planted doubts and frustration in many fans, but no other two characters in the series come even remotely as close to Star and Marco when it comes to unabashedly caring about the other to incredibly extremes. THIS is what Marco means when he says that he felt like this from the beginning, and THIS is what Star means when she says (albeit in her diary in the Book of Spells) that she never connected with anyone else in the same way. This has never changed in intensity throughout the show (if anything it grew), even if it got the spotlight of an episode way less frequently.

WAND TO WAND (2x04b)

Yet another episode about Star learning not to avoid problems and responsibilities as much, and another episode that doubles down of how important Star’s feelings for Marco (I mean “feelings” in the broadest possible term, not as in “still unconscious crush” only) are for her magic. I already said this like five times, but I really want for the point to come across: I’m not saying that everything Star does, learns, or everything concerning her magic, has to relate to Marco, Starco, or to her growing crush on him, nor that Marco is the only one who ever helps Star grow. What I mean is that during all of S2 Marco is the single biggest source of feelings for Star, and this includes good stuff and negative stuff, such as all the emotional turmoil cased by Jarco. But this all plays into helping Star mature, culminating in Starcrushed. The S2 finale constitutes the climax to Star’s “stop running away from problems” arc, culminating in her accepting her role as a princess and going off to face Toffee, but this goes hand in hand with confessing her crush to Marco. Star finds the determination to grow and take The Plot™ head on, thus eventually saving Mewni (multiple times), and this part of her character arc is inextricably connected to her “learn to admit your own feelings for Marco” arc. THIS is what establishes their relationship as utterly special, and what allows me to claim that Marco had a fundamental role in Star’s coming of age story, well beyond the limits of what he personally and actively did with and for her.

When the series shows us that Marco is the key to Star tapping into her magic and better learning to use it it’s not because of some lore or plot related connection between the two, or between Starco and Magic - we have seen that’s not the case: magic is connected to emotions, and Marco happens to be the single biggest source of emotions for Star. That’s what it’s all about.

The episode ends with Star using brooms to fix her messes instead of magic, which is yet again a nice moment of “Star embracing part of Marco’s world”, but it’s not really that important in the big picture since it’s not like Earth’s ways are inherently better, it’s just important for Star at this point of her arc.

STARSTRUCK (2x05a)

Marco being right about Mina and still not rubbing it in Star’s face at the end is very cute and sets a difference between most of cartoon relationships and Starco, but it’s not that important, this is a solo-learning episode for Star.

CAMPING TRIP (2x05b)

This episode is like a fanfiction come to life, in a good way. The idea of Star’s crush on Marco is not going to be directly introduced until Sleepover, but in this episode she still acts differently, we are shown a side of Star that definitely leans closer to thinking of Marco as more than a friend - and this contributes to the main plot of the episode, where River is presented as a dad going through a middle age crisis, worried about losing her daughter to some boy who’s going to take her way from her home. AND YET NOTHING IS CONSCIOUS YET. THAT’S HOW THE SHOW DOES IT. During the episode Star is unmistakably closer to Marco usual, “happier” to spend time with him, but that doesn’t change anything in their relationship in further episodes and that still doesn’t help her be any more conscious about her feelings until Just Friends. There’s absolutely no contradiction here because it follows the inner rules the show adheres to.

I love this scene. Eden’s delivery of the line is incredible, conveying the eagerness in Star’s voice, a different kind than what we are used to and that immediately suggested (even at the time the episode aired, when we didn’t have the luxury of hindsight yet) that something was different. Not as in “something inside Star changed”, as I said we are still far away from any epiphany, just that the writers and boarders wanted to show a specific side of Star’s inner sphere in this episode.

And it’s even more interesting in hindsight, because comparing this scene with the dance in Curse of the Blood Moon, Mama Star, and Here to Help, shows us that Star and Marco (in this case it focuses exclusively on Star, Marco is denser after all) have always been very close to acting on their feelings - the entirety of them, and that they were usually just distracted by other things (other romantic interests, being stupid and dense, fear of change). When they have a moment to be alone, just the two of them, free from any other concern and focused just in each other, they immediately start to inch closer to embracing all of their relationship.

Let me clarify:

In Curse of the Blood Moon Star and Marco finally actually fall in Love for the first time after having danced together for a minute or so. Obviously the episode itself was a moment of high stress and tension, but once inside the Severing Stone they didn’t have to think about anything else for a moment. “We do this and everything will be fixed, we’ll be free of these obnoxious, unwanted feelings that get in the way!”, and by thinking that they let their guards down for a moment and enjoy each other’s presence, focusing on nothing more for the span of a dance, and that’s enough to lead them to understand that they do like it, a lot, and that they’d want to always be like that and that they had been running away from something beautiful all that time.

In Mama Star as soon as the Magic washes away all of Marco’s concerns and emotional blocks, he immediately confesses his love to Star, baring all of himself and revealing that what he desires the most is always being at her side.

Here to Help presented us once again with a context of stress and high tension, sure, but while in the barn Star and Marco could focus on themselves and nothing else for a moment, forgetting all about Mina and Mewni and anything else, and we know how that ended.

So I don’t mean that Star was about to confess her undying love for Marco in Camping Trip, just that the situation that was about to unfold (before River’s arrival) would have allowed for Star to focus less about “Marco is just a friend and you don’t feel weird things for your friends”, and more on “being with Marco makes me happy”. Which is the very essence of what “With or without magic we belong together” stands for.

“Let me just subtly remind you that Marco and Star have a positive influence on each other and that their meeting is the meeting of dimensions and cultures” - The Show

The whole “River thinks Marco is Star’s boyfriend and that he stole her affection from him” is clearly played for laughs, but we still get an external character validating Marco’s efforts in helping Star out, and he also essentially approves of Marco being Star’s boyfriend. Which means absolutely nothing (with the exception of Wrtahmelior in Lake House Fever parents never ever butt in their kids’ relationships in this show, so their opinions have never been considered relevant when shipping is involved), but it’s still nice.

Bonus: Star is specifically animated looking at Marco in several occasions throughout the episode, way more then usual, “stealing glances” even. External link to the GIFs because Tumblr sucks and they’d make the whole post too heavy to load.

STARSITTING (2x06a)

In case you weren’t persuaded the first eighteen times I said that Star and Marco complement and help each other grow and be the best version of themselves, here’s an episode explicitly telling the viewer that. With a side of “dorks acting like parents” and a generous helping of “one day they’ll also understand they love each other” because there’s no way they didn’t want to tease that as well with the way these sentences are constructed.

Bonus points for Star complimenting Marco for his skills with babies. DAD MATERIAL. ONE THOUSAND BABIES.

BY THE BOOK (2x07b)

This episode doesn’t really have any important Star - Marco interactions (even if it sure has cute ones, team work is the dream work. That’s how the saying goes, right?), but it reinforces the idea that Star learns things only in unconventional ways, something that often involves Marco during S2.

GAME OF FLAGS (2x08a)

Ignoring for a moment that Marco gets invited to what’s a family event, and that Star eagerly pairs up with him as Them Vs Her Families (ok I know that it makes full sense given the plot of the episode and it doesn’t mean there are any “Star and Marco as family” undertones here, but let me dream a bit ok?), the important stuff comes at the end: just like he did in Mewnipedence Day (albeit in a more direct way this time), Marco opens up Star’s eyes to the reality of the situation, snapping her out from a tradition she accepted without ever questioning it. And she doesn’t just back down, she tries to change things, she steals the flags, risking her own health, to claim the hill for all of them and change for good the nature of the event, just like she’s going to try and change Mewni. Once again the importance of Marco’s role in Star’s arc is evident, and once again he’s not a “teacher” who tells Star what to do, and even less a “savior” who has all the right answers for Mewni. He’s just a concerned friend who knows what kind of person Star really is, and who can give her a new perspective on things that helps her mature her own, personal, unique views. Views that are eventually going to forever change Mewni.

MEETING OF TWO INDIVIDUALS, MEETING OF TWO DIMENSIONS. The show begins with Star and Marco meeting it ends with their dimensions being cleaved together, they BOTH brought a new perspective on life to the other! It’s more apparent for Marco, since his advice pushed Star in a direction that has big effects on the plot itself, but Marco’s life was completely changed by Star as well, if in S3 he’s able to move to Mewni to have his “French Summer” and then in S4 he understands that importance of being true to what you want to commit to it’s only thanks to the crazy princess who helped him get out of his shell and make his first steps into real life. THIS is the very essence of what the show is, of Star and Marco being the tools to each other’s growth and happiness!

SLEEPOVER (2x09a)

One might expect a long section about this episode, but I’m going to keep it short: forget about all the “but how does the Cube work?” “who did lie?” and stuff like that. The important messages of the episode are crystal clear:

- Star Butterfly has a crush on Marco Diaz. No matter how conscious or unconscious it was at this point, the show told us directly, not just through undertones and themes anymore, that Star had specifically romantic feeling for Marco as well.

- Feelings are confusing. You Heart might feel like it wants something, but your Head doesn’t know that and it thinks you want something else. This is what the series bases everything related to relationships and romance on. This is why Star can be utterly convinced that she likes Oskar, at this point of the series, while actually having growing feelings for Marco. This is why Marco can move to Mewni, leaving Earth and his old life behind, while still not realizing the full extent of why he felt such a need to be with Star, and so on. The whole series plays with the idea that Star and Marco’s feelings for each other keep linearly growing throughout the show, but don’t always consciously influence their actions and thoughts in the same way.

And that’s why by the end of the episode the boarders can nudge our arms and go “Hey, hey, see that Star is sad when Marco ignores her because of Jackie? Hey, hey, that’s the seed of jealousy, that relates to love! Look at that!”, but then in Naysaya Star can be super happy for Marco scoring a date with Jackie. Dumb teens who don’t know what they want.

This line seemed so mature and deep at the little, little did we know the writers would have squeezed every last drop out of this concept as a way to justify things like Star and Marco completely ignoring their supposedly burning desire from Booth Buddies until Curse of the Blood Moon and then again until Mama Star. No, bad Seddm, no salt and negativity in these happy posts!

Let’s close this part here so that the core messages have more focus and remain more clear, but I wanted to point out that Star really loves involving Marco and having fun with him. Which is something we already knew but it always feels good pointing it out.

GIFT OF THE CARD (2x09b)

“Starco Teasing: The Episode”, also known as “How to have your main characters act like soulmates while still keeping everything in the episode frustratingly platonic only”.

From Star going [soft gasp] at how incredibly Marco looks in his ballet shoes

To the plot device of the episode being a gift for their anniversary... as friends, to everything else in the episode.

Ok this is clearly part of the gag but it’s also damn cute.

Star and Marco actually pour their hearts out with no recriminations here, and while it’s not something weird at all for this kind of scenes, where the characters think they’re going to die but the viewers are fully aware that it’s just the setup for a punchline, it’s still cute and a good example of the bases of their relationship.

The fact that this scene is not played for laugh, and that Star genuinely appreciates Marco saying it instead of going “OH SO YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOUR BUTT”, goes in the big pile of “Why do I like Starco more than any other fictional relationship?” pile.

Never mind how horribly frustrating Marco’s “let’s die in each other arms so people will know that we were friends, yep, just friends, that’s the first thing everyone would think!” is: this is an alpha version of Cleaved, Star and Marco think that they’re going to die and that there’s nothing more they can do, and their reaction is to hug and hold hands, just wanting to be together in their last moment. The whole episode doesn’t really have high stakes and it’s clearly a silly, over the top adventure, but the emotions the dorks show are very real, and exemplifying of how in love (used in the broadest possible meaning, not with a strictly romantic connotation) they were already at this time.

And this is what Star decides to get excited about, not having survived. Again, a gag, but it still fits well, it’s not played for laughs with malicious intents or to mock their friendship.

PIZZA THING (2x12b)

Nothing major nor new since it’s something we saw as early as in the second segment of the series already, but Star has learned to enjoy a “calmer” way of having fun compared to what she was used to on Mewni, thanks to Marco’s presence, being more than happy to watch TV on the couch instead of going partying around, sometimes. Also the whole concept of “Friendship Thursdays” is adorable.

NAYSAYA (2x13b)

“How can Star be this eager to help Marco out with Jackie and cheer for him when in Sleepover she was s-” HEART AND MIND DISAGREEING SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS she genuinely likes helping Marco and making him happy and won’t fully realize until Just Friends that this just means pushing him in the arms of someone who is not her, shut up!

With this out of the way, this episode features The scene showing just how much Star helps Marco getting out of his comfort zone, taking risks that go well beyond kicking monsters and going into other dimensions and becoming a better version of himself, one who can achieve his own happiness (Jackie is a small part of this, this concept of “achieving happiness” is going to be much more relevant in S4 and Star’s role in it for Marco - and viceversa - is literally going to be the main attraction during the series finale).

Hey look, Marco’s biggest fear is being alone (as in, feeling alone as an individual, without meaningful connections, not being literally alone) and without a goal and a meaning in his life. And for a time he’s going to delude himself in thinking that Jackie and school can be that, but then in Sophomore Slump he has to slowly accept and realize that Star is the only one who can give him that!

Wowie it’s almost like they deeply changed and influence each other’s lives.

BONBON THE BIRTHDAY CLOWN (2x14)

I’m going to put this as a disclaimer at the beginning of this part so that I don’t have to explain later: during this episode Star clearly displays feelings and behaviors that can only be explained by having a crush on Marco and feeling an intense need to be with him. But the episode begins with Star cheering on Marco with Jackie, and is followed by several other episodes of Star being none the wiser about her feelings for it, and definitely not showing them. Why? How? Heart and Mind disagreeing; denial; being scared of change; blaming all her uneasiness from the night on having lost Glossaryck thus overwriting the other feelings until Just Friends; a combination of everything, you pick your poison.

This is a minor note, but both Star and Marco regret having forgotten about their already existing plan with the other for the prom, with Marco’s “Jackie High” lasting about half a second before he once again goes “Oh no Star, no hurt Star!”. It’s just a setup for the episode and doesn’t really play any role, but it’s a welcome breath of fresh air compared to the easy drama most shows from past decades would have immediately built up from this kind of situation.

Star is super happy to greet Jackie, right now her mind still hasn’t put 2 and 2 together, she still hasn't processed “If Marco is going to a promo with Jackie as her date, he can’t possibly be romantically involved with me”. It’s all still a very unconscious process now (she won’t properly think “I want to smooch him but I can’t” until Just Friends), but it’s a painfully clear case of “You don’t know what you truly wanted until you lose it”, as evidenced extremely clearly both visually and by the subtle as a hammer on your teeth song (this scene here, Just Friends, Lava Lake Beach, song get used as a way to highlight and give exposition to the characters’ feelings multiple times in the early days of Starco).

Darned if I knew That I'd find you In the last place I thought you would be What could I do 'Til I saw you waiting for me? Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh And if I catch your eye It feels like I could fly Out from my lonely world into yours

Following that, Star spends most of the episode feeling weird: she looks at the picture on her phone and feels bad and tries to find a reason for that, something to blame for the new feelings she’s experiencing.

For a moment, when she uses the All Seeing Eye spell, she might have understood, or at least made a direct connection between Marco being on a date with Jackie, and her feeling like that. But the epiphany escapes her grasp after an instant, due to her magic going awry, and after that Ludo’s rat immediately gets there and she has other things to worry about.

Going back to Marco’s side of things for a moment, a quick consideration about what’s clearly a Jarco moment, a moment of connection between the two of them: we get a character external to the Star-Marco dynamic acknowledging Marco’s tenacity and perseverance, a quality that early Star lacked (”looks like I’m just a skimmer”) and that’s going to become an important part of her later on (”I am a dipper”, never giving up with the Monsters and Eclipsa in S3 and S4). One of the most clear examples of how Marco’s good influence helped Star change for the better, and this is the first time he gets outright praised for it.

After the kiss Marco sees the Blood Moon, and he’s immediately reminded of Star and goes to check on his phone, noticing the missed calls and getting worried. Was this part of the curse? Was the Moon trying to hinder Jackie and Marco’s relationship? Absolutely fucking not, as Marco said the curse is bullshit and was never a thing. In the context of this specific episode it’s symbolic, nothing more: Star is always in Marco’s thoughts, we know it and no one can deny it, the Blood Moon was merely a visual way to remind him of her, and to tell us viewers that even while kissing his long time crush, Marco still keeps part of his being focused on Star. He could have seen a little girl playing with a magic wand or hear someone say “the stars are beautiful tonight!” and it would have had the same effect. There’s nothing magical here, and if there’s it’s not important; it’s not even a good thing for Star, since Marco and Jackie’s arrival at the graveyard is actually what makes Star lose control of her magic, losing the fight.

Marco saving Star is a cool and sweet scene, and sets a clear parallel with Wand to Wand (and we even have confirmation from the storyboarder that it was on purpose, not that it wasn’t clear enough already) that neither of them would ever let the other go, but there’s not much to be said about it, their commitment to each other is pretty straightforward and it’s obviously to be expected in dangerous situations such as this.

Also, it’s not a full parallel: in this case the moment of danger doesn’t end with a hug, but with Marco going to check on Jackie (after having helped Star up obviously, he’s still and will always be worried about her after all).

And yet, despite this, by the end of the episode Star entirely blames her sadness on having lost the book and Glossaryck. She’s still clearly hurting over Jackie and Marco, but the situation at hand gives her an easy way out, an excuse to latch on to “cover” her feelings for her bestie with a thick layer of “no no it’s definitely just this” (wow just like in Curse of the Blood Moon!). And thus the epiphany that she almost had while spying on them is delayed until Just Friends.

Neither Star nor Marco are clearly aware about it obviously, but it’s hard not to see that “I’ve lost Glossaryck” line as “I’ve lost you” as well. Fun times.

To conclude, going back to something from the middle of the episode (didn’t want to digress earlier): this scene with Glossaryck asking Star if he can burn a page from the book and Star telling him to do whatever he wants is another side to the “you don’t know what you wanted until you lose it”: Star barely cares about the Book, symbol of her duties as a princess, but in a handful of minutes - and for future episodes - she’s going to be terribly hurting over having lost it. As I said multiple times the arcs of “Star learning to stop running away from her problems and accepting her responsibilities” and “Star recognizing and accepting her feelings for Marco” go hand in hand, and are both integral to her development and character arc. And, as we are going to see in the season finale, neither of them can truly reach its payoff without the other.

Bonus to make the whole episode a little less painful: while helping Star and Jackie up Marco might give Jackie more focus, but his tone of voice is way more kind and warm and delicate with Star, showing an incredible amount of care. Clearly this doesn’t entirely match Marco’s priorities in this moment, but it’s a welcome gift from Adam (and Daron I guess, since she’s always present during the recording sessions and certainly directed him to deliver the line in that specific way).

#star vs the forces of evil #star butterfly #svtfoe #starco #marco diaz #seddm ramblings

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elusivexo · 5 years ago

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most meaningful things that happened in 2019

heavy post because this was really quite a year. major life changes in my career, romantic relationships, and spiritual life. it’ll all make me stronger, though.

not matching - this was truly devastating; i would’ve ranked the breakup with shelton as the most heartbreaking event of my life, but this easily topped that. i spent days sobbing and hyperventilating on the couch, feeling completely alone and lost. this was all i had ever wanted, and it was soul-crushing to have it gone - and know that i had done this to myself. as much as i wanted to celebrate my friends’ successes, i couldn’t even bring myself to feel anything other than grief. it was a huge exercise in faith, and God really met me by giving me more than i could’ve hoped for.

maui’s passing - second most devastating thing to happen in my life because it was 1) so incredibly unexpected and 2) absolutely out of my control. my sweet kitty had only been with us for two years, and he was absolute perfection. it was agonizing to know that there was a treatment, but it wouldn’t be available to the general public for another several years. it was heart-wrenching to see him lethargic and uncomfortable. still not sure how to get over this grief - because unlike not matching or breakups, there is no solace in “it was for the best.”

breakup with raymond - there really was so much i loved about him, and traits and memories will involuntarily pop up: watching pokemon episodes together in iceland, walking through the aquarium and gazing at marine animals with awe, making chili oil for szechuan wontons together, wiping tears away as he reassured me that he understood what it meant to encounter obstacles in his career and that everything would be okay. although i’ve had doubts throughout our entire relationship and i felt peace with the decision, it’s still hard sometimes to let go of something that was such a certainty for almost half a decade.

prospect of moving in with miranda & eunice - i’ve never chosen my roommates; all of my roommates have been random roommates who i loved and chose to continue living with. the idea that miranda, eunice, and i can actually live together and fulfill all our dreams of introverted socializing is absolutely intoxicating, and has been one of the best things that’s helped me get through the breakup/maui’s passing.

japan & thailand - i’ve mostly been traveling with raymond the last few years, and i have cried on every single trip. i had started believing that there was something wrong with me and my travel style, and that i either needed to change or give up traveling. japan allowed me the freedom to travel solo, which i truly loved. it was incredibly freeing and i was really happy with my explorations. i was a little anxious about my travels with amrita, but we had such an incredibly fun time that i was reminded of all the great trips i’ve had with friends from college - and i realized that i wasn’t the problem after all.

working out - i wasn’t sure if i’d ever have the physical discipline to stick with actually working out regularly, but it turns out i just needed to find something i enjoyed. i truly enjoy strength training - the repetition, the slow growth and measurable progress, and the many breaks in between - and yoga alone. i love that i can go at my own pace and push myself to what i feel is appropriate. the other day someone worked out with me and said i needed to push myself harder; he made me try heavier weights that i almost dropped (and hurt myself), and would absolutely not have been able to do any reps with at all. that experience made me realize how much i appreciate the lack of judgment and expectation that comes from working out alone; my body has already changed dramatically these past six months, and i am more than happy with that.

the little book of hygge - reading this really helped recenter me because it resonated SO MUCH. socializing for introverts is exactly what i love, and i was already aware of bits of it - but reading about it in a cohesive whole really helped me set the tone for what i want with my life. “more than 6-8 people is too much,” dan had said at one point. i agree, and yet why did i always host so many parties of 30+ people? i mean, i still will for major events but overall that’s not what i want day-to-day. excited to make this a core part of my life :)

rural life - this is the first time in my life that i’ve lived anywhere rural; even léogâne, haiti was urban. it’s been really interesting not only living somewhere with limited activity/food options, but also experiencing the smallness of a tiny, tiny community of people. i see why people have to be so extra polite/careful because drama here echoes and reverberates throughout the entire community.

reconnecting with friends - being somewhere rural with nothing to do (and fewer/less available friends) definitely allows me ample opportunity to reconnect with people, and it has been such a blessing. i love the friends i have found over the past 15 years, and i am so grateful that they are as available as they are. even after years of not talking, we connect just as fast. <3

charles - despite all the volatility and disappointments, i am incredibly grateful to him for those first three weeks because he taught me an incredibly important lesson: that i am worthy of love and affirmation, after all, and it is not too much to ask from a romantic partner. although i already knew that God loved me beyond compare - and that my friends, too, also love me deeply - it is really different to feel beautiful and appreciated. he taught me definitively that i should not settle for someone who doesn’t value me - and that i, too, should value myself.

#2019 #lists #most meaningful

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cxrleonis · 5 years ago

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3, 18, 26, 39 for jackie, cory, and isabel

not accepting | @cyniceds

3. How do they position themselves in a group? Do they like to be the center of attention, or do they hang back at the edges of a crowd?

jackie: jackie can inadvertently become the center of attention in a group, but it isn’t something she actively seeks out. she definitely doesn’t hang back in a group, but she likes to make people feel included, so she’s not one to hog all the attention to herself.

cory: initially, cory will try to form a part of the prominent part of the group, but she more often than not ends up lingering in the back. she tends to shine more one-on-one than in groups.

isabel: isabel isn’t interested in being the center of attention. if she’s trying to prove herself or if it’s a situation where a leader is needed, she WILL step up, but otherwise, she’s indifferent to it.

18. What kind of person could they become in the future? What are some developmental paths that they could take, (best, worst, most likely?) what would cause them to come to pass, and what consequences might they have? What paths would you especially like to see, and why?

jackie: damn damn damn um, i feel like, mentally and emotionally, jackie is mostly at her best right now? especially compared to how she was doing before. she’s sober, she has a positive father figure in her life, and she’s a pretty optimistic and determined person. what’s next for her at this point are her career-oriented goals. so a few years of her and her band-mates busting their asses and playing gig after gig and initially gaining a small following before they either get noticed by a record label representative OR they actively seek out record labels to sign them.

as her band starts getting more and more famous, i can imagine her going down a darker path (getting back into drugs, maybe neglecting some of her relationships, as we kinda saw a glimpse of with the whole teddy situation) if she doesn’t have the right support system, or if they go down the same dark path. but as long as she has the right people around her to stop her when she gets TOO ambitious, TOO in over her head, then i think she’ll be okay.

worst case? other than gaining fame but falling into the dark toxic abyss of the music industry, something catastrophic that would make her revert back to old bad habits. she would need to feel hopeless for that to happen– her band breaking up, her friendships lessening, her father figure (robert the mVP) dying. a succession of horrible shit that makes her turn to drugs again, that makes her less lively, less genuine, more manipulative, more cynical. that part of her life was such a DARK moment for her, that regressing back to that would just destroy her.

cory: best case scenario, ok– therapy will help her deal with a lot of her inner conflicts that she hasn’t addressed: finding value within herself instead of latching onto other people to give her some sense of value, deep insecurities that play into her lack of self-esteem, and abandonment issues she developed over time in the foster care system. also, family therapy will help her create a better relationship with her adoptive mom, who she’s always felt uncomfortable around bc she always feels like she needs to impress her and like she’s constantly failing. cory at her best is a cory that’s comfortable with herself, a cory that’s CONFIDENT– she knows her worth, she stands up for herself more, she’s less hesitant. she’ll learn that she’s actually a real go-getter; when she knows what she wants and doesn’t second-guess herself, she’ll do what she needs to do to get to that point (like her “maybe this time” broadway verse– this girl GOES HARD FOR THE THINGS SHE WANTS).

worst case scenario, she falls out of love with most things. her insecurities consume her entirely until her life becomes trying to be enough for others and never feeling like she’s enough for herself. she becomes less social and it gets harder for her to form meaningful relationships with people because of it. she loses hope more easily. she basically loses most of the things that make her a ball of sunshine so we will not speak of this alternate universe bc it is not necessary.

isabel: the main difference between isabel’s best and worst case scenarios, i think, is how she creates balance in her life. in both instances, i can see her becoming a really successful and well regarded news or investigative journalist, because she has the drive to get her there. in her best case scenario, she finds a balance between her work life and her social/personal life, which is one of the things i feel like she struggles with the most. she’s ambitious, but she can let that ambition drive her for too long to where she can begin to isolate herself.

in her worst case scenario, she lets her drive overtake her, she starts isolating herself, and she just distances herself from people, maybe even her family at some point. she’d become lonely and selfish, and it would have a big impact on her mental and emotional state that she would try to deny.

26. How do they view and feel about relationships, and how might this manifest in how they handle them, if it does?

jackie: when jackie was much younger, her view on relationships was very much based on convenience. if you could offer her a place to sleep, could give her food, money, clothes, you were her friend; she would be there for you, she’d be a helping hand or a shoulder to lean on. it was survival in exchange for friendship. she didn’t know how to value relationships, and it made her a toxic person to be around sometimes.

however, after meeting robert and going to church and getting back on her feet, there is a strong sense of community and loyalty that jackie applies to relationships. they are still symbiotic in nature, but it’s now a constant back-and-forth learning and growing with each other rather than a transaction that is made between two people until it can’t be made anymore. she values relationships, more than she ever did before, and she treats them with care, tries to cultivate them into something that can last a long while.

cory: cory values relationships A LOT. she finds creating connections with people and loving others and forming these life-long bonds incredibly important, but because of her abandonment issues, there is also a lot of fear associated with creating these bonds. she is incredibly open and receptive to relationships, but her fear of having people leave her also makes her cling onto people. so she is an extremely loyal and caring person who cares about developing loving relationships and doesn’t give up easily, but she is also susceptible to holding onto people even if it isn’t good for her in the long run, because she can’t bear being let behind.

isabel: isabel has never been good with relationships. whether it’s friends or romantic partners, it’s always been difficult for her to maintain relationships because she has always been so hyper-fixated on herself and her own goals. it’s not that she doesn’t value relationships at all; her family is one of the most important things in her life, and she will fight for them until the very end, but that’s sort of where it starts and ends for her. there’s also the added worry that, by getting involved in relationships (this mostly applies to romantic relationships), it’ll take away from her own goals and will make her less likely to accomplish them. so that’s why she will generally come off as cold and distant and uninterested. she is able to form relationships, but it’ll take some time.

39. What sort of questions or thoughts recur in their lives, either specifically or as a theme? Why are these never answered, or answered permanently to their satisfaction?

jackie: a thought that pops in every now and then is what if’s about her life: what if she had never fled from the foster care system, what would have happened then, where would she have ended up? and a bit too general, but she’s obviously VERY OFTEN thinking about music, whether it’s themes to incorporate into songs, sounds or melodies that could be interesting to play with, stuff like that.

cory: questions related to her own value as a person, unfortunately. it’s still something she struggles with a lot, so it’s usually her questioning if she’s good enough for someone/something, worrying if someone who will leave her behind, etc etc. these questions are never fully answered bc it’s this constant battle between her trying optimism and the negative ways in which she views herself. this also sort of goes attached to recurring thoughts about her birth parents– she has no idea who they are and why they left her, and the chances of her finding them are slim to none, so all she can really do is wonder about them.

isabel: she thinks about her family a lot, just generally wondering how they are. she is also constantly thinking about her work, about what she could be doing better, what more she could be doing, because she is never fully satisfied with herself. and every now and then, she wonders at what moment (if the moment will ever exist) will she be comfortable with letting people in easily without feeling like it’ll somehow be a detriment to her own life and her own goals.

#cyniceds #jackie : headcanons.#cory : headcanons.#isabel : headcanons.#pHEW this took me a minute to answer #but it was very fun thank u

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mozartwasajungkookstan · 6 years ago

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An Analysis of @jungnoir’s ‘First Love’ - Technically a Songfic?

Spoilers ahead for ‘First Love’ by @jungnoir ir (The first paragraph is just a rant about song fics, so that actually will make sense. You should still read ‘First Love’ though. You might also want to listen to Yoongi’s ‘First Love’ for some context as well - and because it’s a great song.

I’m not going hide it: I hate song fics. So much. I just see these little verses scattered throughout a fic and I lose my goddamn mind. Am I meant to read along in time with the lyrics while the song is playing? That makes no sense with fast paced songs - I have to quickly skim past the writing to keep up with the song because otherwise the lyrics I’m listening to won’t make sense with the part that I’m reading. Reading a fic with a slow song is even worse because then I have to wait for the song to catch up with me, so now I’m just sitting there, shrouded in the darkness of my room at 3am, waiting for the chorus of a song, wondering where it all went wrong. So am I just meant to keep restarting the song? That would just break immersion and completely ruin the experience. Should I just not play the song at all? That seems like the most logical solution... but then why are you giving me the lyrics? Now I’ve got to scroll past them every time I see them because they’re there for no good reason.

Ever since I’ve come across these things on Wattpad I just immediately click away when I see them. They just seem like a way to make a fic look longer and they’re used to easily create tone by just copying and pasting words that someone else wrote. I hate them. Have I made that obvious yet?

That being said, ‘First Love’ is sort of a song fic. But I also love it. Notice how I said “sort of”. Yes, ‘First Love’ is associated with a song, which means it could potentially be classified as song fic. But because there are so many things that set it apart from from your average Wattpad song fic based on ‘Colors’ by Halsey (wow, it’s a story about a boy leaving you after you fall in love with him. What a surprise. It’s not like I could’ve told you the entire plot after reading the title). No, this is much more than that.

Aesthetics are unfortunately important for writing because even if your fic is well written, something else with fancy banners and calligraphy in the title is more likely to win someone over. It’s one of the first things that a reader takes note of, so it’s fitting that I talk about it first. ‘First Love’ doesn’t market itself as song fic, which is why I’m reluctant to call it one. To put it simply: it doesn’t do that god awful thing where lyrics from a song are spliced in between paragraphs of writing. Admittedly, even if jungnoir did want to, it would be weird putting in lyrics of a Korean song so it probably wouldn’t have been an option anyways. But nonetheless, there are no lyrics awkwardly placed in between paragraphs, so I didn’t immediately click out of the fic. While this is really just a personal preference out of my hatred for song fics, it leads onto my second point - the title and song it’s based off of.

The title ‘First Love’ is honestly not all that interesting of a title unless you’re aware of the masterpiece that is Yoongi’s ‘First Love’. But here’s the thing: other than the title and the description mentioning a “brown piano”, there are no other explicit references to the song other than a mention of a piano, which could easily just be that; and calling Yoongi the reader’s “first love”, which is completely different to the way it’s used in the song because the “first love” in the song is the piano, not a person. This sets apart the fic from the song and makes them different entities entirely.

The song choice is also a fantastic one. It somehow fits perfectly with the tone of the writing, but if I told you about a piece of writing based off of Yoongi’s ‘First Love’ and asked you to guess the plot, you wouldn’t have a clue. You might’ve guessed a story about Yoongi and his piano and taken the lyrics literally, but the tale of an engaged woman realising her childhood friend is the one she should be with is probably not what comes to mind. This makes it way less predictable than any other song fic I’ve ever read because normally every lyric is taken at face value - a sad song about your partner leaving you will create a sad fic about your partner leaving you (who would’ve guessed it?). ‘First Love’ just doesn’t fall for that trap because how could it? The song itself is never about a romantic love, so to make a fic about romantic love gives it a sense of originality and shows that jungnoir hasn’t just transcribed some verses into prose and has instead made something entirely new.

And that’s what I love most about this fic: it’s different. It’s different from other song fics out there and it’s different to its source material. Hell, when I first read it, I wasn’t even aware of the song that it was based off of. But I still thought it was a masterpiece regardless. Unlike so many other song fics before, it doesn’t depend on pre-existing work to establish its tone. The knowledge of the song adds to the experience but doesn’t complete it. I think that’s why many people add in lyrics to their fics: the experience isn’t complete without the knowledge of the song and the writer knows that. I’m not saying that writers who use songs are inherently bad; it’s possible for songs to be used in a way that heightens the enjoyment of reading. ‘First Love’ is a testament to that. It’s just that people are starting to be dependent on these songs to do most of their work tonally and that just doesn’t work for people like me... because I’m way too lazy to pull up Spotify and find your song.

As well as it being a sort-of-songfic, ‘First Love’ is incredibly well written and I really like some of the choices made in it. For example, I think it’s really clever how the fiancé was never given an actual name. It really shows how insignificant he is to the main character and Yoongi’s relationship and shows how the main character feels so disconnected from her soon-to-be-groom, as the closest to a name that we ever get is “the heir of Kang Group”. It’s such an official title and we only get his surname, which makes his relationship with the main character seem way too official and formal for romantic partners. It also helps with making his family seems more ominous, with them being called “his family” and nothing more personal than that. It’s really good in constrast with all the interactions between the main character and Yoongi, which are so much more personal. The use of language tells the reader from the very beginning that the main character was never meant to be with her fiancé, which makes the moment where she decides to run away with Yoongi full of satisfaction and not guilt, which is a big problem that I have with runaway bride stories. The groom is never mentioned in a bad light so I always feel bad when the bride leaves him because ‘hey, he might’ve actually loved her’. This doesn’t have that problem - it’s pretty clear that the groom considers the relationship to be more like a business transaction.

It also doesn’t make the mistake of having the groom be needlessly bad. Yeah, I’m glad to get away from him, but this isn’t a fantasy universe and he shouldn’t be cartoonishly evil. If I can imagine the antagonist petting his black raven while maniacally laughing in a ‘realistic’ story, then maybe you should tone it down a bit. I’m glad there’s no scene where he gets into a fight with Yoongi and no moment where he calls the main character any derogatory terms because it would’ve been so easy to just put it in, but the fact that there’s more of a focus on Yoongi’s and the main character’s relationship is much better. Instead of just telling the reader that the main character loves Yoongi, it shows them through meaningful interactions, which makes the romance seem so much more believable.

Overall, I think this fic is an amazing example of using song in fiction. It’s perfect in the minimal amount of references to the song, which makes it incredible as a stand alone piece as it doesn’t ever depend on the song to evoke emotion in the reader and the focus on the moments between the main character and Yoongi emphasises the idea that the fiancé never really mattered and builds a realistic and believable relationship between the two.

I give it 10 brown pianos out of 10 (listen to ‘First Love’. It’s so good)

- [redacted]

#kpop #kpopscenarios #kpop scenarios #min yoongi #bts suga #bts yoongi #yoongi fluff #yoongi angst #bts imagines #bts fluff #bts angst #review #fanfic #yoongi #first love #song fic #songfic #jungnoir

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ergomaria · 5 years ago

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If you're still doing this- For Cath and Vann 💌, 💍, 💔, and just for hilarity sake 💞. I wanna know what Dustil really makes of all this both before Vann disappeared and after he did. Atton and Meetra: Not sure if it's going to ruin anything for the current fic so I shall keep this one minimal for now, 💜

💌 Write a love letter from your OC to their partner(s). BONUS: write a reply!

(I decided to write a “missing scene” from Miles to Go from Carth’s perspective.)

The Rakata night was warm and balmy, not that Carth could tell from within the walls of his office where the air scrubbers kept everything almost uncomfortably cool. He was working late, as he’d been doing for the past few months, mostly because there wasn’t anything for him to go home to. His quarters were empty since he no longer shared them with another person.

No, that wasn’t true. His quarters were full of Vann’s things, which made it feel like the ghost of his partner was still lurking around every corner. A pile of unfinished projects sat on their workbench and various sets of black clothing still hung in their closet. Part of him knew that he should box everything up so that he didn’t have to look at it on a daily basis, but the sentimental side of his personality wouldn’t allow it. Vann could come back tomorrow and then what? It would seem like Carth had just forgotten him in a matter of months, tossing their life together into a plastisteel bin.

Scrubbing his hands across his face Carth sighed. His mind was too preoccupied for him to focus on reports, his melancholy overtaking his productivity. Setting aside the datapad he was reviewing, his hand drifted towards the top drawer of his desk, the only one with a lock. It would be masochist of him to open it and dig out the holovid that he kept hidden there, but at the same time the prospect of hearing Vann’s voice again was too alluring to resist. That was why he found himself replaying the message that Canderous had sent for what felt like the hundredth time.

There was fear in Vann’s eyes as he bid everyone goodbye, even as his expression filled with durasteel determination. He was a man who knew his mission and accepted whatever fate came of it. A hero. Leaning forward Carth studied the curve of his partner’s jaw, memorizing the lines of his cheek and the way that the light played off of his dark eyes making them appear almost black. The captain committed each detail to memory, just as he’d done every time before. As he watched he began composing a response that he knew he’d never send. Who would see it? Canderous? That idea was laughable.

“Vann, I think I know why you left. I don’t pretend to understand your reasons, but there are a dozen things about you that I’ll never understand but that I love without question. I love you and wherever you are, I need you to remember that. I don’t know what dark place you’ve found yourself in, but maybe I can be the light that guides you out again. The beacon that leads you home.

“I also know why you asked me to guard the Republic and the Star Forge for you, though I really wish you hadn’t. I’m doing my job, but there are a hundred other naval commanders who could do this work equally well, probably better. My job should be to be with you, flying you out of whatever mynock nest you’ve gotten yourself into and guarding your back while you charge straight into the fray. You’re the hero the Republic needs, even if you only see yourself as a mercenary who got lucky once and saved the day. You don’t realize it, but you’re the most heroic person I’ve ever known.

“Saying that, I understand that I should have told you about Malachor sooner. You deserve to know the truth, and it wasn’t my duty to hide it from you. I thought I was protecting you when really I was just hurting you. Your past isn’t perfect, nobody’s is, but it’s yours and you have a right to know all of the details. I don’t know what else to say about my mistake, other than I’m sorry.

“Is that why you didn’t take me with you? Why you left me on this beach while you go off to fight another war all by yourself? I know that I’m not capable of fighting like a Force user, that I’m not as useful as someone like Bastila or Jolee. But if I can fly you out of danger one last time that would be enough for me. If we can soar into the stars together just once more I could be happy with whatever happens next.

“I never thought I’d be lucky enough to have two loves of my life. Or unlucky enough to lose both of them. Don’t let me mourn for you. Come back and prove to everyone that you’re the toughest damn son of a kath hound in the galaxy, that it will take more than a Sith Emperor to kill you. I know you’re still out there because I can feel it through the crystal you gave me. I look at it every night and hope to the Force that the pulse of life never leaves it. I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens.

“No, I do know. I’ll keep fighting for the Republic because I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it. I know that you don’t think you’ll survive whatever you’re up against, but I believe in you. You’re stronger than you realize. So save the day and come home, because I need you. And I love you. So, hurry up and find your way back.”

💍 Which one of them would propose? How would it happen? (or write if you feel like it!)

Carth is definitely the first one to have the idea, only to immediately discard it. The idea of trying to talk Vann into something as binding as marriage feels impossible, like catching lightning in a bottle. His partner just doesn’t seem like the marrying type and that’s alright. They don’t need a ceremony or an official document to make their relationship meaningful.

Vann is the first one to mention the idea, but it happens at the worst possible moment. The pair are in the middle of a firefight or trying to out-fly a group of GenoHaradan members when Vann says something like, “There’s damage to the starboard engine and the hull armor is at 80%. If you can keep them off our tail for another thirty seconds the hyperdrive will be warmed up and we can make the jump to hyperspace. Also, do you want to get married?”

Naturally, it takes Carth a while to completely process what happened. When he does, he immediately starts planning something formal and romantic where he can get down on one knee and pop the question properly. He even gets Bastila in on it. But before that can happen, Vann barges into his office in the middle of a workday, slams both hands on his desk, and yells, “You never answered my question, asshole!”

The answer, of course, is yes.

💔 Has your OC had a bad breakup or nasty ex? If so does this have any affect on their current relationship?

Technically, Carth is Vann’s first serious relationship and definitely the only relationship that Vann remembers with any real clarity. In the words of Canderous, Vann just isn’t wired to feel or notice attraction in most situations. (It’s implied that he’s somewhere on the Ace spectrum.) Though, this presents its own problems. The more Vann realizes that what’s normal for him isn’t normal for everyone else, the more he suspects that he’s probably missed a few cues throughout his relationship with Carth. This does impact his confidence a bit, while also making him grateful that Carth accepts all of his romantic quirks without question or concern.

(The marriage proposal scenario is a great example of Vann taking a somewhat sideways approach to life and Carth just rolling with the punches.)

💞 What do their respective families think of their relationship?

Dustil’s feelings towards his father’s relationship are complicated. The death of his mom is still a bit of an open wound, and the fact that his reintroduction to his father also involved his father’s new boyfriend only added to the resentment. But then, Vann also saved Dustil’s life, so it’s hard to hold a grudge.

At first Dustil is noticeably standoffish, partially because he’s still a bit starstruck at Vann being Revan. That fades, leaving behind genuine admiration for all of Vann’s impressive Force and combat skills. While Dustil makes it abundantly clear that he’s not about to call Vann “Dad,” it’s also made obvious that Vann isn’t looking to become a parent. Eventually, the pair form a tenuous friendship based around Dustil’s training and the fact that they both love Carth.

And then Vann does something stupid and disappears. This doesn’t help Dustil’s abandonment issues, though in the end he’s angrier that Vann left Carth behind (and miserable). Yet, Dustil understands why Vann left since he can also sense the darkness on the horizon. He lives with the fear that he’ll be the next Force user killed by whatever’s out there, so he can respect the fact that Vann is trying to protect them all. But that doesn’t mean he’s not angry about it.

Meetra is the closest thing Vann has to family, as she was almost like a sister to him during the war. While she’s initially surprised to learn that Revan left behind a partner, she’s also delighted. It’s less delight over her friend being in a relationship and more joy over the fact that there’s someone who understands all of Revan’s nuisances and loves him because of those complexities. Carth seems like the type of steadfast, genuinely good human being who can help Revan sort through all of his darkness and doubts. They’re probably very good for each other. Really, it’s a shame that Revan kriffed things up so spectacularly.

💜 Give a random fact about their daily life together!

Atton and Meetra have a no-judgment rule regarding nightmares because they both have them and it can be pretty awful. They’re both Force-sensitive enough to wake-up when the other is in distress, so one nightmare usually means that they’re both awake at least for a little while. The rule is that they don’t have to talk about their dreams if they don’t want to, but if someone does want to tell a disturbing war story the other only gets to listen. Some of the things they admit to are pretty dark, especially when it comes to Atton’s assassinations. But there’s also something cathartic about curling up together beneath the covers, close and warm in the darkness. It’s safe, which is a feeling that neither one of them has experienced in a long time.

There’s also something comforting about the fact that even after the nightmares and the confessions the other person is always there in the morning. Yes, they’re flawed individuals, but they can still love and be loved in return.

FIND THE MEME HERE!

#KOTOR #vann chis #Carth Onasi #meetra surik #atton rand #mrevan x carth #atton x exile #ask meme #ranoutofrun #Thank You

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thejenesaisquoigirl · 5 years ago

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DnD Ask Meme- Tamzen

Link to original, blank meme: https://thejenesaisquoigirl.tumblr.com/post/186529464305/dnd-asks More about my kitsune monk (Way of the Open Hand) under the cut~!

1) What would they consider to be their biggest failure?

Dying. Not protecting her son. Before she let him go, it was failing to be someone Silas loved enough to stay with even in the face of opposition. Or not being able to be there for her son due to her inability to prevent the ugliness within her from festering. Currently Tamzen is having an internal crisis of believing she fails at everything or will never be enough for anyone.

2) What’s the story behind their name?

When it comes to naming characters, I really just start thinking of names that stick out. It started with “Tiernan”--from Pirate Queen--and I must have watched an episode of The Tudors with Tamsin Merchant to remember that name, too. “Tamsin” kept sounding best with the character concept and then the spelling changed to “-zen” as a subtle joke since she’s a monk haha

3) What’s their relationship with their family?

Positive and loving. She has always adored her parents and vice versa. As a mother, Tamzen may be firm and people may assume she would not show warmth to her son; but Tal is one of the few people with whom she always shows her depth of emotion for him. He is a perfect child and his love helped Tamzen heal.

4) What’s one song that describes them or is them?

Not many peeps know this, but she was built to be the personification of the “Morgan: Amor Tristis (or Morgan - Amor Tristis on Spotify)” instrumental from the Ah! My Goddess movie. My all-time favorite instrumental and it suits her story.

5) Who is their best friend?

In the beginning of the campaign, it was Kerrick. He was the first friend she’d ever made other than Silas. But his behaviors—especially the incident with the cleric and raising the dead—drove a wedge in their friendship; and she found her friendship with Mama/Mishann growing. Now she’s her best friend and Tamzen even gave her the ultimate gift a kitsune can give someone—a piece of their hearth—along with trusting her to be the one to take care of Tal, if Tamzen would ever not be able to come back.

6) Why are they their class?

She ran away from the city after her heartbreak and stumbled across a traveling group of mousefolk. Most of them were monks but since she stayed with the leader and his wife (the only ones with stuff able to house a larger humanoid), they were the ones who taught her as a way to find calm and take back a sense of control.

7) What do they think of their party members?

She feels they’re a motley crew with a whole lot of secrets. She’s ESPECIALLY suspicious of Burt and Connie because of what clues she has gathered of their past and because of their actions over the last couple months. The rest of the crew: TBD- enjoying their healing dynamic since Biir left, thinks he’s a cool friend; Finn- thinks of him like a second son and is protective of him; Kerrick- he used to be her best friend and she’ll always be grateful, but Tamzen can’t condone his behaviors and struggles to be with people who can’t control their impulses; Mama- owes her so much and views her as family now, wants her to have every happiness possible and will do her best to make that happen.

8) In what ways are they similar to you?

Extremely calm under pressure, thinks she’s never good enough to be significant to anyone enough to not leave her, thoughtful gift-giver, gives herself for others until there’s nothing left, can have an accidentally sharp sense of humor, deep well of feeling and protectiveness for those she considers “hers”

9) In what ways are they different from you?

She takes serenity in all things to an entirely new level with how schooled her face is; her not being verbal in her affections to people she cares about; not enjoying reading; she only really warm to those she cares about; Gryffindor

10) What do they look for in a romantic partner, if they have a romantic orientation?

Someone who doesn’t see her as second best or not enough. Someone she doesn’t need to take care of but who can take care of her. Tamzen has a competency kink a mile wide; so if they’re even-keeled, stronger, a better fighter, and extremely skilled in what they do...they’re definitely her type. She’s a pretty quiet person, so they need to be comfortable with silence and understand things unsaid, as she’s very action-oriented. You can tell a lot about how she feels about someone based on her actions, not her words. They also need to love her son and not love her despite her past but because of it.

11) If they had a patronus or animagus form, what would it be?

A fox animagus haha For a patronus, probably a fox, too... maybe eventually a hippogriff (what is with my two favorite characters having significant peeps in their lives with hippogriffs?) or a monarch.

12) What do they smell like?

Orange blossoms and vanilla, with hints of herbs that can be used medicinally (eg: lavender, tea tree, etc)

13) What is their secret skill?

The lute and painting. She’s not secretive about her flexibility or healing abilities; she’s secretive about skills that can reveal her emotions.

14) What is their relationship to spirituality?

Complicated haha. She’s a “tsuki kitsune” and I tweaked that to mean she’s a fox was blessed by the goddess of love to have the potential of becoming “human.” Her “parents” are the guardians of a special, unknown spot in a forest the goddess has declared sacred; there to take care of the clearing and of any creature blessed by it...and Tamzen was a fox spawned in there. Anyways, so even as a fox, she was entrenched with this strong belief in the goddess and awareness of her presence; but then something devastating happened with the person Tamzen thought she was fated to be with--who had been the cause of her transformation. Ever since, Tamzen has had a VERY hard time with the idea of love...much less having firm faith in her goddess because she feels betrayed. She’s slowly trying to repair her side of the relationship through making sure her friends find love; but she still thinks someone she had absolute faith in has abandoned her, so she’s weary.

15) If they were to be remembered for something, what would they want to be remembered for?

She’d really like for her son to remember her loving him with everything she had. Other than that, she wouldn’t care much other than for doing good.

16) Why did they become an adventurer?

Happenstance led to her becoming a monk...and she needed additional discipline to try to silence the rage and nastiness brewing inside of her, so she joined the army. The adventuring grew from that.

17) What’s one thing about their backstory that came to you after you already started playing the campaign?

So many things haha Why her parents are her parents, her relationship with her goddess, and so many other things.

18) Do you have any headcanons for them that haven’t come up in game? Or headcanons for other party members?

Totes! She plays the lute only for Tal or when she needs to really think through something--frequently those moments are one in the same when he’s playing outside. Her internal crisis over always being second best and slowly being resigned to it. Party members: Mama: they sometimes read together (even though Tamzen doesn’t like to read), trade skills (Mama helps her build strength and she helps Mama with flexibility), and that Mama has to spend extra time in front of a mirror before going to a fancy event to take in the fact that this is her life now and she gets to wear these pretty things and be feminine. Kerrick: that he’ll sometime have ink in his hair from running his fingers through it while copying down spells. TBD: thinks it’s hilarious how he still hasn’t had to explain his name and has a running bet with himself over it. Finn: she catches Tal speaking Squeakspeak to Finn while playing and Finn just going with it and trying to learn the game through context instead.

19) Any ships with your character? If a PC or NPC, what interaction launched it?

Ya know, never thought she would ever get to a point where she would be in a place to be with someone again. But then she asked Damien (an NPC) what it was like to lose your parents... and his utter honesty in that conversation was enough to make her cry in front of someone. It was evidence she could allow someone to see her vulnerable again. And then when he showed off his battle prowess and skill under pressure...her interest was DEFINITELY piqued. And then he went and made sure she was able to get to her son? Now Tamzen has it bad and has no idea how to handle having feelings for the newly crowned king. Especially not when she thinks she’s not good enough for anyone.

20) What would your character consider their biggest success? Or what is your favorite success your character has had so far?

Tal and facing Silas again. She’s really surprised me in how she’s been able to grow to where she is now...so that’s an awesome success because it feels like there’s still more growing for her to do emotionally. But the ultimate success EVER was the gift of the hearthstone to Mama. It was canon lore created on the fly and it was so meaningful

#dnd #ref for character #food for asks #dnd ask meme #dnd asks

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