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chrysalispen · 3 years ago

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iii. vanished, and left but memories,

AO3 Link HERE

Chapter below cut.

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Papalymo Totolymo considered himself reasonably worldly for a man of Sharlayan. As the favored protege of the late Louisoix Leveilleur, many of the star’s most tumultuous events in the last twenty summers had taken place beneath his watch: from the mass colonial exodus to the motherland, to those final dark days before the Seventh Umbral Calamity. He still remembered offering prayers at one of the great standing-stones as the Empire unleashed Bahamut - that ancient and terrible primal bound by Allagan contrivance - upon the fields of Carteneau.

So too did he recall his master’s sacrifice. Papalymo was not what one would call particularly devout, nor had he placed as much stock in such things as coincidence or fate. But the events he had witnessed had gradually softened his harder stances, and the more he saw of the world, the more he thought he understood what Louisoix had meant.

Faith had, after all, saved Eorzea in the end.

He watched that slim, straight back as its owner sidled into shadow and disappeared from sight. At first glance, the woman hadn’t seemed any different from any other conjurer they had met in the past handful of years. But this time he thought there was something about her that was... different. The aetherovisor had-

“Papalymo? Are you listening?”

“...Hm? Yes,” he said with an absentminded nod. His hazel eyes lay fixed upon the emptied cavern entrance. “Well. That was… most edifying.”

“Edifying?”

“Educational.”

“What was educational about it? The sword? The Ixal?” Yda tilted her head in obvious confusion. It was quite clear that the two of them had taken something entirely different away from that encounter. “I thought you knew about those already. Or did you mean that conjurer?”

Preoccupied with checking and comparing indicator readings, Papalymo barely even acknowledged her. “Yes.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Yes, I did.”

Yda’s chin tilted in the same birdlike fashion Aurelia had noted upon their meeting, and her lips pursed briefly as she tapped her index finger against her cheek. “Actually, now that you mention it… I just thought of something.”

“Hm.”

"Is it just me, or did it seem like that woman was able to see Kuplo Kopp?”

“....And this occurs to you now? Honestly, of all the questions to ask!” "What- well, you did ask me, Papalymo."

She pointed this fact out with the cheerful self-possession that rarely failed to annoy him, specifically when she employed it against him. Yda knew he hated it, so of course she did it at every opportunity.

Silver-threaded blond curls drifted across the edges of the aetherovisor with the movement of his head from side to side, as the Archon cut off his lecture before he could properly begin. From his long years of experience with her, he knew there was a greater than zero chance it would all fall upon deaf ears anyway. “...all right, yes, that did appear to be the case- and don't you give me that look."

"What look?"

"That smug one you always get when you-"

"When I'm right? Hmm?"

"Oh, for the love of everything, Yda!"

"Go on. 'You're right, Yda.' Say it."

"Yda-"

"Saaaay it," she repeated, in a teasing little singsong. Papalymo scowled at his young partner before he realized she couldn't see his expression beneath the unwieldy visor, only the petulant purse of his lips. Pointless to fight the tide, he thought with a sort of exasperated fondness.

...He supposed he could allow her one small concession.

"Yes, yes, all right. Fine. You were right," he said testily, ignoring her tiny cheer and accompanying fist pump. "But don't get ahead of yourself. As to what significance that might bear, provided there is any, only time will tell.”

“Will it? I certainly hope so,” she retorted, bracing her hands on her hips. “It’s not as though you ever tell me anything.”

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“What do you mean, what do I mean? I just said it! You never tell me what’s going on!” Yda’s pout lifted into a sly smile. “...Unless you don’t know either?”

“Of course I do! Don’t be ridiculous-”

“Ha! I knew it.”

“-and even if I didn’t,” he huffed, “I certainly wouldn’t admit it to an insolent child!”

Yda did not take offense. Her laugh, tinkling like wind chimes, followed the pair out of the clearing.

~*~

After bearing the blade and news of a corpse to a surprised but very grateful Galfrid Mossback and his fellows, Aurelia entered the Fane to see E-Sumi-Yan conversing with one Kuplo Kopp. The moogle lifted a paw as she strode towards them.

“Ah! Aurelia," the guildmaster said. "Welcome back. I trust your return was without incident.”

“Yes, it was fine. The walk was most refreshing.” She hesitated; her gaze flickered from E-Sumi-Yan to his current conversation partner, hovering midair with open curiosity stamped all over his tiny face. “Although… I have something to ask, if I might?”

“Of course. Thank you for your assistance, Kuplo Kopp. Pray give my regards to the others.”

“I will, kupo! Wonderful to meet you at last, Aurelia!” he piped, adding a chipper backflip for good measure. “Don’t worry, I’ll say hello to Kupto Kapp and Kapna Kugi for you!”

The little creature had taken wing into the trees before she could respond, although E-Sumi-Yan’s expression was one of mild-mannered curiosity as they watched Kuplo Kopp disappear into the tree line.

“You had not told me you were acquainted with the moogles.”

“A bit of an exaggeration,” Aurelia hedged. “I met a couple of them by chance when I first came to the wood. They were quite helpful, as I recall.”

He squinted at her. Opened his mouth- then shut it, as if he had been about to say something and thought better of it, and cleared his throat.

“We have a good rapport with the moogles,” was all he said. “What was it you wished to ask?”

“When I was in the glade earlier, there were two others who arrived shortly thereafter. A Hyur woman - a pugilist - and a Lalafell gentleman. I asked after their business in the Shroud, but they were quite evasive.” Thoughtfully she tapped her temple. “They each sported some peculiar contraption. I thought at first perhaps they were customized sets of spectacles. Mayhap a magitek visor of some sort, but if so it was surely not of imperial make.”

E-Sumi-Yan was smiling.

“Ah,” he said. “You’ve met Yda and Papalymo.”

“Adventurers?”

“Scholars. Aetherologists from Sharlayan, if memory serves. But you may safely lay any suspicions you have to rest - they are friends. Their assistance over the last few years, particularly with regards to the Garlean Empire, has proven invaluable.”

Aurelia only nodded. The pair had been strange, and their exchanges clearly born of long years of personal intimacy, but neither had come across as threatening.

“Now- as to the matter we discussed before you took your leave…” He muttered something under his breath too softly for her to catch and began to pat down his robes. “Ah! Here we are.”

The neatly folded and wax-sealed parchment in his hand bore the mark of the Conjurers’ Guild and, she could see, the Padjal’s own painstakingly neat script. E-Sumi-Yan glanced at it for only the briefest of moments before he held it out for her to take.

“I took the liberty of discussing the matter with Miounne while you were running that errand for me. She has already agreed to send word ahead to the Adventurers’ Guild in Ul’dah, I expect.” A stray breeze ruffled his sandy hair as he inclined his chin, smile unwavering. “She should have another letter of her own ready for you when you return to the inn.”

“I- oh,” for a second time in the space of a day Aurelia found herself taken aback. “This… goodness, you work very quickly.”

“Oh?”

“I confess I had thought a letter of introduction might take some days to draft, not bells.”

“Not at all! I had the time to spare, and at any rate I have written many such letters in my time. They are quite formulaic.”

“I appreciate the trouble you’ve taken-”

“Lest you misunderstand, Aurelia, this is no more than I might otherwise have done for any of my novices,” there was no visible change to his expression but his tone was so firm it might almost have been a reprimand. “This letter does not guarantee your enrollment into the Phrontistery. ‘Tis but a window of opportunity, and little else.”

In other words, he could get her into Ul’dah and secure her lodging. Anything beyond that would have to be accomplished by her hand and hers alone - she was not surprised; she had a rough idea of Uldah’s love of self-made success stories.

But Aurelia was not unaccustomed to such uphill battles; if she could make her own way in Gridania despite her ignorance of its customs when she had first arrived in the Shroud, she was quite sure she could manage matters in Ul’dah. A chance was all she required, and here it lay, in her hand.

“Well enough to my thinking that you have provided it,” she said. “You have my thanks.”

His serene smile turned somewhat doleful. “I would be remiss not to admit that your absence will be felt. But I will not be one to clip your wings, either. Now go. Give Mother Miounne my regards.”

“I will.”

Perhaps you will return to the wood as a guardian once more, E-Sumi-Yan mused as she passed from the boughs of the Fane. Most heed its call, in the end. But I will only accept it from you if that is what is meant to be.

Even for foolish notions of sentimentality, he knew it was not his place to tangle the Spinner’s weave.

~*~

“I am beginning to wonder,” Alisaie Leveilleur declared to no one in particular, “if there are any other cycles of weather in this place beyond ‘rain’ and ‘purple.’ “

No one answered. Not that she had expected otherwise.

The young elezen spared a sullen glance at the dodo tenderloin on her plate - rubbery with gristle, lukewarm, and unappetizing - before resuming her people-watching out the nearby window, or what there was of it. Only one of the panes had tempered glass in; the other three were covered with some sort of oilcloth, no doubt to proof the opening against the region’s frequent afternoon showers.

There wasn’t much to see, truth be told. Revenant’s Toll had been washed away in the floods following the Carteneau disaster five years past. Although the adventurers who ran the town were rebuilding, the new town - if one could properly call it that - was essentially a glorified leve outpost. Albeit, she allowed, it was a leve outpost with a bar, a boarding house, and some tents attached, but at this moment in time still little more than a burgeoning bump in the road. The camp's new location sat well up the ascent onto the escarpment this time, some five malms north of the old camp.

Alphinaud had observed that the new location was far more strategically advantageous, and had been more than happy to explain his theory at length without any prompting. Alisaie had scant interest in such matters, and had tuned her brother’s lecture out in favor of exploration after only a few scant minutes.

Mor Dhona had been a very pretty place once, so they had been told, lush and green. But most of the old rainforests had been destroyed, first by the great battle between the Garlean Empire and the Dravanian horde, then by Dalamud’s descent. She was grateful that for a small blessing, the window seat she had chosen did not afford her an unhampered view of the Carteneau Flats. At its epicenter grew the massive crystalline half-sphere that had settled into the face of the land like a pockmark with its shattered Allagan structures poking haphazardly out from unstable, poisonous facets. That was where Grandfather had-- where he had--

Her gaze returned to her emptied teacup.

“Are you not hungry?”

Alphinaud stood at the edge of the table with a refilled trencher and a fresh pot. She shook her head.

“Just the tea, thank you.” Alisaie all but snatched the pot away before he had even finished setting it down, grateful for the momentary distraction. “I’ll pour it myself.”

“You really can see the Keeper from here.”

“What?”

“The Keeper of the Lake. So-called.” Her brother peered out the window as he seated himself at a positively glacial pace, deep blue eyes scanning their surrounds. "See? Over there, wrapped around the HRS Agrius. ...what’s left of it, at any rate.”

Following his gaze as she poured her tea, Alisaie could just see the outline of the gruesome landmark that sat in the center of Silvertear Lake. The protruding wreckage of the doomed imperial dreadnought shimmered dully in shades of black steel and flaking vermilion paint, only barely visible in the gloaming. Without the imposing structure, the decomposing remains of the great wyrm Midgardsormr wound tightly about its sheared and exposed hull: the final embrace of a murderous lover. Over it all loomed the blue-white silhouette of a very tall crystal spire, glowing with a strange ambient light. It put her in mind of a lighthouse watchtower in a fog bank.

“So,” Alphinaud had turned back to his trencher, “have you made ready, sister? We depart on the morrow.”

“Not yet." As ever, the long and careful sip she took from the cup helped her to gather her thoughts. She set it down with a quiet porcelain rattle before she continued: "I want to go down to the Flats once more before we leave."

“Why?"

“To see if anything was left behind.”

"No." His refusal was adamant. "We’re pressed for time as it is. Even if we weren't, anything of value will have been removed years ago.”

Nerves frayed by fatigue and frustration, catching the annoyed lilt in his voice, she felt herself bristling.

“Have you even tried to look?”

“Alisaie-”

“All I ask is another day to make inquiries. One day.”

“And I am telling you we don’t have one day. The itinerary-”

“Oh, sod the bleeding itinerary!” she burst out. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you simply didn’t care to assist me at all!”

Alphinaud’s fist, still holding his fork, slammed against the table with enough emphasis to rattle her teacup saucer and splash a few droplets of its contents onto the table. She expected some sort of surprised rejoinder, or - far more likely - yet another calm (and rather condescending) explanation as to why it would be impossible to continue her search without more resources. Implying yet again, as tended to be his wont, that her requests to seek more information as to their grandfather’s whereabouts were merely part and parcel of a childish whim.

Instead, the flash of light in his eyes was that of wounded anger: one of Alphinaud’s rare displays of ill temper- or, perhaps, the grief he so rarely allowed himself to display in public. His lips were drawn into a thin, taut line and his eyes, the same deep blue as her own, appeared for a moment to be suspiciously bright. “That was unkind of you,” he accused. “You are not the only one of us who misses Grandfather, you know. Nor wishes for his safe return, if there is a return to be had." "I'm aware."

"And you know he would not have wanted us to neglect tasks of monumental importance solely for his sake. That was never his way.”

"I just… Alphinaud, we promised each other," the strident pitch of it was close enough to a plea to make her cringe, but there was little help for it, "If there’s even the slightest chance he might still be alive-”

“The chance is slim to none. You know that.” He would not meet her gaze. “And even so, we cannot linger. Grandfather’s successor will be awaiting our arrival and she is certain to have more accurate information on his whereabouts than nearly anyone you would meet here.”

“But... oh, all right. I suppose you make a valid point,” she said. You’re right, as per bloody usual. One hand curled into a fist atop the roughened wooden surface; the admission stuck squarely in her craw, but Alisaie knew full well there would be no peace between them did she allow the rule of her pride to stay her tongue. “...And that was unkind. Forgive me.”

Alphinaud said nothing for a long moment. Worry had just started to nag at the corners of her conscience when his slim, unblemished fingers reached for her hand. She relaxed her fist and allowed him to lace his fingers with hers, then in her turn covered her brother’s hand with her other palm. It was a gesture meant to placate as much as to comfort, but she supposed that particular river flowed both ways.

“We’ll come back,” Alphinaud said at length. His sigh, a long-suffering thing, seemed to close the space between them. “All right? We’ll come back. I just think we should see to his outstanding obligations first and foremost. Once that's done, you can take as much time to investigate as you like.”

Somewhat suspicious of the gesture, she peered at him from beneath her snowy veil of fringe. “Do you mean it?”

“At the first opportunity," he added. "I swear it.”

Alisaie squinted at him for a careful moment before she withdrew her hand. She drummed her fingertips upon the table for a moment, then picked up the fork that lay alongside her long-abandoned trencher. He blinked when she jabbed its business end in his direction, a movement that might have been amusing were it not also vaguely threatening.

“...I’m going to hold you to that."

“Of course you will," he groused. "You always do.”

His surly retort prompted Alisaie to finally flash a strained grin. It was the first smile she had spared for him since the pair had stood together on the deck of their ship and watched the city shrink to a bare glimmer on the horizon, swallowed by the endless dark of the open sea. Then, their purpose had been united. The weeks spent at sea and on land had eroded it, but Alisaie at least had not lost sight of her purpose.

And I will hold you to your word this time as well, little brother.

She lifted her teacup in a mock toast and watched as he followed suit.

“Well. To the road on the morrow, then,” she said. “And Gridania.”

“And Gridania.”

The meeting of the twins' cups chimed with their sealed bargain. Without the town of Revenant's Toll, the pall of dusk continued its descent.

#upon pale dawns #aurelia laskaris #yda hext #papalymo totolymo #alisaie leveilleur #alphinaud leveilleur #a realm reborn

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starryknight09 · 4 years ago

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One last good-bye

Febuwhump Day 15: “Run. Don’t look back”

Read on AO3.

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“Run. Don’t look back.” Rhodey pushed him forward. Peter stumbled, looking at the man in shock.

“Go!” Rhodey yelled. This time Peter listened. He knew he’d be useless in this fight. And Rhodey could fly. Peter couldn’t. Sure, he could swing, but only when there was something to stick to, which didn’t exist in the middle of this rocky wasteland.

He took off, sprinting as fast as he could in the direction of the Quinjet, not looking back. They’d wandered far enough away that the Quinjet was out of sight, so he hoped he was going in the right direction.

“Helping Dr. Strange will be fun, you thought.” He mumbled to himself as he ran. “Yeah right.”

He could hear the repulsors firing from the War Machine armor but the sound was barely audible over the stampede of all those things running at them. He wanted to glance back to make sure Rhodey was ok, but he knew he couldn’t chance it. He didn’t need his super hearing to hear the creatures gaining on him. Rhodey could take care of himself. He was a big boy. A louder bang sounded in between repulsor blasts. Rhodey must be pulling out the bigger fire power.

Run. He thought to himself. Don’t turn around. Don’t turn around.

Why had they ever agreed to help Dr. Strange in the first place? This was way beyond his pay grade. Some other evil wizard was messing around with bad sorcery and now Peter was running from weird spooky undead creatures.

“Karen.” He gasped. “Any luck with the comms?”

“I’m sorry Peter. Something is still jamming my communication abilities.” Damn.

They never should’ve split up. Whose bright idea had that been anyway? Right. Sam’s. Peter hadn’t known him before, but it seemed like the whole being Captain America thing had kind of gone to his head.

“The enemy creatures are gaining on you.” Karen warned.

“I’m aware!” He tried to run faster but he didn’t think it worked. He knew it’d be bad news bears if any of these things bit him. Dr. Strange had been clear enough about that. His only consolation was that he was in the Ironspider suit, so if bullets couldn’t pierce it, he was pretty sure these ugly things teeth couldn’t. But he wasn’t absolutely 100 percent sure. Besides, the suit wouldn’t save him if was overrun by these things. The sheer number of them would crush him. Not a great way to go.

They were getting so close he could smell them and the pungent smell of rotting flesh and garbage made him want to gag.

Must run faster. Must run faster.

Finally, the Quinjet came into view. Oh thank god.

“I recommend you increase your velocity. At this current pace you will not reach the Quinjet before you’re overrun.” Karen informed him.

Shit.

“Help!” He screamed, hoping another group had returned to the Quinjet and would hear him. “A little help!”

A growl sounded behind him. Way too close. He turned around. And immediately regretted it. Man, they were as ugly as they were stinky, and he only had about a thirty foot lead on them.

This was not good. This was so not good.

In the split second he glanced backward, he tripped. He flew through the air before crashing to the ground and rolling across the rock laden dirt terrain.

I’m going to die. This is how Spiderman goes? Really? He thought as he tumbled.

The instant he stopped, he rocketed back to his feet and started running again, even though he knew it was pointless. Those things were right behind him. He didn’t want to turn around and look. He didn’t want to know when death would be coming.

But then from one second to the next, he had an idea. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. Sure, he didn’t have firepower and he couldn’t fight these things hand to hand, but he still had his webs. Just because they couldn’t swing him anywhere didn’t mean they were useless. He spun back around, trying not panic at the fact that the creatures were only like ten feet away as he shot his webs out across the entire line of them, sticking them together.

They fell and that caused their comrades behind them to trip over them and fall as well like a line of dominos. It wasn’t a definitive solution, but it’d bought him some time. The Quinjet was getting closer, and now he could see people running down the ramp toward him. Sam and Bucky. Wanda and Clint. Scott and Professor Hulk. Dr. Strange.

He wasn’t going to die after all!

And then the other wizard guy showed up.

Ok. Maybe he’d spoke too soon…

Dr. Strange glided through the air to meet the other wizard guy in a collision of colors. Peter thought his gold sparkle transporting rings looked cool, but whatever spell he’d just cast put them to shame. Multicolored glitter sparkles fell from the sky like rain, landing on his skin but not hurting him. They rested there for a few seconds before fading away. A moment later he realized the noise behind him had greatly decreased. He risked a quick glance backward and gaped. Any creature touched by the glitter stuff started gradually fading away until they disappeared altogether.

It took him another few strides to realize he didn’t need to run anymore. Nothing was chasing him. Dr. Strange had eradicated the entire undead creature herd with one spell. Wow. There was definitely something to be said about the magic or mystical arts or whatever the man called it.

“Kid? You ok?” Sam asked, reaching him a few seconds after he’d stopped. The man clapped a hand on his shoulder and looked him up and down.

“Yeah.” He answered as he tried to catch his breath. “I’m good. So…now what do we do?”

Sam glanced up at Strange fighting the other wizard guy, the two of them periodically clashing in the air as they both fired colorful spells. If it’d been dark out Peter could’ve almost made believe he was watching fireworks.

“Hell if I know.” Sam admitted. “I draw the line at street magicians. This wizard shit is beyond me.”

Peter huffed out a laugh.

“Hey, where’s Rhodey?” He hadn’t seen the man since he’d ran and hoped he was ok. He couldn’t imagine the man hadn’t gotten away with the War Machine armor. He took a few steps back in the direction he’d came, searching the horizon.

“Don’t worry. He’s right there. See?” Sam pointed up in the sky where Rhodey was flying toward them.

Right. He didn’t know how he’d missed him. His heart rate slowed. Mr. Stark’s best friend was fine. Peter hadn’t been able to save his mentor, but he wasn’t going to let anything happen to his family, not if he could help it. And Rhodey was definitely part of Mr. Stark’s family.

“Watch out!” Sam yelled, but the warning came too late. He’d been so focused on Rhodey he hadn’t been paying close enough attention to the wizards battling. His spidey sense flared in warning, but too late. He tried to dive out of the way, but the range of the spell’s blast heading toward him was too large to evade. The globe of red light enveloped him, and everything went black.

Peter’s eyes snapped open and he sat up before he was even fully awake, the adrenaline from the battle still churning through him. He’d been hit. Where was he hit? He ran his hands over the front of his body and looked down at it, but he didn’t see any blood. And nothing hurt. But…wait. What? Why wasn’t he wearing his Spiderman suit?

“Ok. What the hell.” He mumbled to himself, holding his hands up in front of his face as if they could tell him. But they were bare. And he had on jeans ith one of his science pun t-shirts, which was the outfit he’d been wearing before he’d put on the Ironspider suit earlier. Weird. Last he’d checked he’d left his clothes in the Quinjet. Maybe someone had changed him out of his suit and into his clothes? He frowned. That made no sense.

Where was the Quinjet anyway? Everything was a lot quieter. He glanced around, taking in his new surroundings, and his face slackened in shock. Because he definitely wasn’t in the barren rocky wasteland where they’d been fighting that wizard. In fact, his surroundings didn’t look like anything he’d ever seen before. Was he even on Earth?

“Oh shit. Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.” He muttered.

The ground he sat on looked like water, but its surface was solid. He slapped his palms down and watched as ripples expanded outward from them, like what would happen if you dropped a stone into water. But he wasn’t wet or sinking. Ok. This was officially freaky weird.

“Where am I?” He whispered and stood, doing a full circle to try to orient himself. It didn’t help. Everything looked the same. The weird blackish blue ground he stood on stretched out as far as the eye could see. No other pieces of landscape pierced it. The line of the horizon was only perceptible because the blue of the air was just a shade lighter than the ground. The whole aesthetic was dizzying and kind of trippy.

And then he looked up.

“Holy shit.” His heart leapt into his throat. The sky was a dark expanse of stars and galaxies. And he could see a few large planets that looked almost close enough to touch. It was terrifyingly beautiful. He reached out and tried to poke at one of the closer ones, a red giant with rings. It was too far away to actually touch, but the spot where his finger poked made the air ripple out in the same way it had on the ground, like the atmosphere was composed of gelatin that jiggled when touched.

“What the hell...” He definitely wasn’t on Earth. What kind of spell had he been hit with? Had he been transported somewhere? Banished? Was it reversible?

“Underoos.” Came a voice from behind him.

Peter stiffened. He hadn’t heard that voice in months. The last time had been on a rubble strewn battlefield, fighting for his life, and the life of the entire universe. Terror gripped him. He was afraid to turn around, and at the same time, he’d never wanted to do anything more in his whole life. He turned. And there he was. Mr. Stark. Standing there without a care in the world, hands in his pockets with sunglasses on and a characteristic grin on his face.

“Mr. Stark.” He whispered, unable to believe his eyes.

“Hey kid.” The man’s eyes softened as he took him in.

Peter just stared, brain unable to comprehend that this could possibly be real. He didn’t know what to say. He’d imagined so many times what he’d say if he ever saw Mr. Stark again, but now he could barely make his mouth move to form words.

“But— How—” He stammered, not even sure what he was trying to ask, and then a thought struck him and his eyes widened as he asked, “Am I dead?”

“No.” Mr. Stark reassured him then clarified, “Well, not technically.”

“What does that mean? Not technically dead? So, am I not technically alive either?” His tone got higher pitched even as he tried not to panic. He knew there were more important things to talk to Mr. Stark about, but he couldn’t think about anything else until he knew what was happening to him.

“You’re in the in between.” Mr. Stark explained.

He frowned.

“You’re not supposed to be here.” The man said, face showing his disapproval. And Peter couldn’t help the small smile that cracked across his face. He’d missed those looks from Mr. Stark.

“Then how do I go back?” He asked.

Mr. Stark shook his head. “There’s nothing you can do. We just have to wait.”

Not the most comforting answer. “But if I’m in the uh in between, how are you here?”

“It’s too complicated to explain, but let’s just say I’m here to keep you company.” Mr. Stark smiled again.

And Peter finally let himself enjoy the fact that he was standing there with Mr. Stark. Something he’d wished for more than anything. He wasn’t going to waste it even if his own fate was uncertain. In the next second, he crossed the distance between them and threw his arms around the man. He was substantial. Whole. Mr. Stark wrapped his arms around him and hugged him right back.

Tears welled in his eyes, and he didn’t know how that was even possible, just like he didn’t know how he could hug his mentor since supposedly neither of them had bodies right now, but it was happening all the same.

“I missed you.” Peter whispered into the man’s neck.

Mr. Stark brought a hand up to the back of his head and tangled it in his hair. “I missed you too kid.”

Peter didn’t know how long they stood there hugging. Not that it mattered. Time didn’t exist in this place. He didn’t know how he knew that, but he did.

And Tony didn’t say anything. And he didn’t pull away. He just kept holding him. For as long as Peter wanted.

Peter tried to soak it all in and memorize every detail of the moment. The smell of Mr. Stark’s aftershave, the scratch of his beard, the warmth of his embrace, how absolutely protected and safe he felt. He tucked away every sensation and feeling so when he needed to in the future, he could close his eyes and recall it. Because he knew he’d never get another chance at this.

“It’s not fair.” The words came out before he’d even decided to say them.

“I know.” Tony agreed.

“I wish you could come back with me.”

“You know I can’t.”

“Do you…do you regret it?” He whispered his question. One of the things he’d always wondered.

“No.” Tony answered without hesitation.

“Why?”

“Because there was no other way.”

That was true enough. Dr. Strange had told Peter something similar. If Mr. Stark hadn’t snapped, they would’ve lost and everyone would’ve died.

“But do you regret inventing time travel? You could’ve lived a full life with Pepper and Morgan.” Peter had always felt like he’d been partially responsible for taking that away from him. The way everyone had told the story, he’d been the catalyst for Mr. Stark inventing time travel. And now he got to have this time with Mr. Stark when Morgan or Pepper never would, and that made him feel even more guilty.

“No I couldn’t have.” The man said pulling away so he could cup Peter’s face in his hands. “Because I didn’t have you.”

The tears in Peter’s eyes slid silently down his cheeks. “I wish you wouldn’t have done it.”

“I don’t. I had to. No regrets.” Tony smiled at him and Peter marveled at how it could be so soft and so sad at the same time. “I love you kid.”

“I love you too.” He said back and fell forward back into a hug. After another long minute or so, Peter gathered enough self control to pull away again. He couldn’t stay glued to the man forever. No matter how much he may want to right now.

As Mr. Stark let him go, he kept his hands resting on Peter’s shoulders, and Peter remembered another thing he wished he’d gotten the chance to say when Mr. Stark had been alive. The man had done so much for him. Had become something of a father figure to him. And he’d never verbalized his appreciation in any way.

“I uh I never thanked you.” He said.

“You never had to.”

“Still, I want to. Thank you. For everything.”

“You’re welcome Pete.” Mr. Stark smiled. “But no thanks are necessary.”

“Is there anything I can—"

“I don’t think we have much time left.” Mr. Stark interrupted with a frown.

“Oh.” A short burst of panic hit him. He didn’t want to leave Mr. Stark. “What-what if I want to stay?”

“No.” Mr. Stark answered firmly. “You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not your time yet.”

“So I can’t choose to stay?” He asked, but even as he did, he knew he never would. He couldn’t do that to everyone he loved at home no matter how much he missed Mr. Stark.

“No. That’s not how it works. And you wouldn’t really want to stay anyway.” Mr. Stark said in his typical all-knowing fashion.

“I know.” He said sadly and then asked, “Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did.”

Peter rolled his eyes.

“Shoot.”

“What’s it like here?”

Tony gave him a peaceful smile, eyes twinkling as he answered, “Wonderful.”

It didn’t fix anything, but it was a small consolation at least. A weird feeling started somewhere near his belly and spread, like a buzzing, tugging sensation.

“Time to go Pete.” Mr. Stark said, his smile turning sad.

“Mr. Stark.” He whined and leaned forward to give him one last hug. He hated the feeling of being torn away from him. Hated how similar this whole thing felt to getting dusted on Titan.

“I know.” Mr. Stark shushed as Peter clung to him. “But it’s ok buddy. It’s going to be ok.”

Peter gripped him tighter, but he could tell it was a battle he was going to lose.

“Bye kid. I love you and I’m so proud of you.” Mr. Stark whispered.

“I love you too.” He said frantically, worried any second he’d be torn away and unable to finish what he wanted to say. “And I miss you so much.”

He tried to hold on, but in the next moment, he was finally ripped away.

“No.” He protested desperately. “Tony!”

“Tony!” The man’s name was still on his lips as his eyes snapped open.

“Hey, you’re ok.” Rhodey said from where he was crouched down next to him.

“I…I…what?”

“That wizard guy hit you with a spell, but Strange finally figured out how to reverse it.” Rhodey explained.

Peter blinked and looked around, recognizing his surroundings. He was lying on a couch in the Sanctum. It all came back to him. The fight. The other wizard guy. Getting hit by the red spell. Mr. Stark.

“I saw Mr. Stark.” He blurted out and Rhodey’s eyes widened.

“I did. I saw him.” He insisted, worried the man wouldn’t believe him.

Rhodey looked up at someone behind Peter’s head. Peter craned backward and noticed Dr. Strange standing there, a neutral expression on his face.

“It’s possible.” Dr. Strange said. “The spell sent him somewhere where he was neither alive nor dead.”

“Mr. Stark called it the in between.”

Dr. Strange nodded and Rhodey looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“Interesting that Stark was able to cross over into that place.” Dr. Strange said. “You must have a strong connection with him for that to have been possible.”

Peter nodded, a lump forming in his throat as he remembered all that they had said.

Rhodey kept staring at him, his mouth open like he wanted to ask something but couldn’t figure out what. If it’d been him, Peter knew what he’d want to know, so he answered the man’s wordless question.

“He’s ok.” Peter said with a small smile. “He’s happy.”

#febuwhump2021 #febuwhump #irondad

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gothamsnightmare · 4 years ago

Text

List of Gotham/Valeska twins stuff I’ve been writing on that I might consider sharing some day

Note: So far, all of my stories are reader-inserts. I found that to be a lot easier to write when I started out, also, I’ve always sucked at coming up with names. I have been thinking about possibly turning a few of them into OC’s later on however, especially since it’s starting to look like in at least one story it will actually require me to have a specific name for the reader character at some point, so there’s always the chance I’ll re-write some of these later. Can’t say for sure though, cause I’ve been looking up names and now I’m having the problem that a name that spoke to me as a gf’s name, but also really sounded great to me for a sister character, so, now I can’t decide what to use it for.

These are the stories I think I might like enough that I would feel comfortable sharing them one day, although I can’t say for sure cause I really haven’t finished any of them yet and many of themdon’t even have a beginning with, so I could possibly really only do a preview for most of them so far, cause even though I tried really hard over the last couple of months to finish at least one of them, I just keep getting more ideas for them but never for the parts where it matters

Long story short, I might post some previews from some of these stories soon, especially if there turns out to be some interest (which I hightly doubt, since there wasn’t any so far). So on to what will be a long and pointless post about some of my stories:

Family Ties

I have to thank @sunlitroom for making this post, the first picture in it inspired me to write this story.

I don’t know why, but I always loved the idea of a sister for Jerome and Jeremiah that ends up being kind of torn between the two of them because of their hatred for each other.

When I first played with the idea for her, I imagined her only a few years older than them, like in my first story ‚Hands off‘, but this post gave me the idea: what if Jerome and Jeremiah had a sister that was several years older than the twins, and by that, already old enough to have moved out and left the circus when Jerome killed their mother, and she always had to look after them when they were younger because of their mum not bothering.

Basically, the moment I saw the first picture of this post I thought: I could totally imagining the twins and their sister being part of their mothers act at the circus when they were little, like that she had a different act back then. That she wasn’t an exotic snake dancer yet, just a regular snake artist, and her children were essentially the main focus of her act, like an idea of the owner of the circus, you know, cute kids and deadly animals, guaranteed crowd pleaser.

This is the first story that is going to be different than my other stories, in the way that it doesn’t take place in one time line, but it jumps around between various stages of the Valeska siblings life, starting out with when the twins were around 5 and then as they get older at the circus, on to when Jerome kills their mother and ends up at Arkham, all the way to when Jeremiah is reunited with his sister again for the first time after he was changed by Jerome’s laughing gas.

The story is perhaps a bit heavy at times I guess, because I really decided to dive into how hard it was for the Valeska siblings at the circus with the on-going abuse, and I let them deal several times at various ages deal with the aftermath of these moments. Most of these so far I made up, but I am also planning on including pre-existing things from the Gotham canon, like the story Jerome told about him having his hand boiled in a pot of soup I’m currently trying to write something with, so yeah, it is definitely a bit rough at times.

This story also deals with why the twins’ sister decided to leave the circus and her brothers behind even if she can’t look out for them anymore then, why his sister is the only one who Jerome still trusts after Jeremiah left, what might have played a part in Jeremiah later turn into a villain that has a habit of manipulating people and why it’s so difficult for their sister to navigate her relationship with the twins. Also Jeremiah and Jerome always have their problems getting along in this one, even when they’re little, because they’re just so very different.

Sleepless Nights

This is a story that takes place over Seasons 1 to 3 (but will likely just brush Season 2 briefly). It starts out shortly before Jerome kills his mother as he sneaks over to his only friend at the circus after a night of torment at his mother’s. She’s the only one who he’s able to talk to about what he has to go through at home because he knows he can trust her, although he’s starting to reach a point where he’s done going into the details every time. She cares a lot about Jerome, and the more she has to see what’s happening to him, the more she’s starting to see things his way. So she gradually doesn’t just grow into the only person he will ever care about, but likely his future partner in crime.

Arkham

Title is a bit misleading now because it doesn’t just primarily take place at Arkham anymore, but I had intended it to take place at Arkham in Season 4 originally and end with the breakout, hence the title. But once the ideas for it really hit me, I realized it would go way beyond it. Now it starts at Arkham and goes all the way to the end of Season 4

This is to date my longest story (almost 32,000 words at this point and I’m still nowhere near done yet).

One day, I had an idea where I wanted to write just a story about Jerome hanging out with someone at Arkham, but it ended up not really anywhere cause I couldn’t really think of anything, the idea seemed to random.

Then I came the old discussion about how many Jerome fic writers tend to write about the exact same themes on here on tumblr again and before I knew it, I suddenly had my idea. Since my goal with any of my art has always been to try to be different, I hope I kind of managed to accomplish it with this one.

Essentially, the original story idea turned into a story about a woman that Jerome meets at Arkham that instantly becomes not only the only person who cares about him, but is everything he never thought he would ever have in a person and he ends up opening up to her more than he ever intended to when he first decided to talk to her.

Basically, she ends up becoming the only one who Jerome tells the real reason behind his plan to break out of Arkham, however, despite how close the two end up with each other, since she gives him a lot of freedom and never pressures him to do something he doesn’t want to do, and this kind of backfires on her a little because she ends up never being 100% in the loop about his plan despite how much he shares with her. And in case your wondering, yes, this is going to go all the way to the very end of Jerome’s story in Season 4.

Note: This is the female character I mentioned above that I might rewrite from reader insert some day because she needs a specific name at a certain point.

Fights at Arkham

This is another story where the twins have a sister, this time, it’s more like an AU where Jerome didn’t die but still managed to change Jeremiah with his gas, and now they currently happen to be stuck at Arkham at the same time as their sister.

This turns into a huge problem for all three of them, because since she still loves both of her brothers, she expects them to act as civil as possible when around each other, which they will have to do if they want to spend time with her, as she’s fed up of having to put up with their fighting by now and doesn’t want to switch between having to spend time with one of them at a time.

Since the twins just hate each other so much by now, she can’t really prevent the fights from constantly happening, the only thing she can do is try to make sure their fights don’t turn violent, something that is often a bit of a challenge for her

However, since she knows her brothers way better than they would probably like to acknowledge, she also knows a thing or two about how to keep them under control.

Unfortunately, I’m still massively struggling to find a way into this story, it requires a the random argument between the twins that is supposed to turn into a bigger fight, so I could only give you a preview of what happens once their fight is close to getting out of control.

Mad

Simple premise, Jerome’s girlfriend is mad at him after one of their crime sprees, and after giving her some space, he decides it’s about time to make her get over herself.

Partners

Jerome inadvertently develops a crush on his partner in crime when he looses track of her during a crime spree. When he confronts her about it, she doesn’t really know how to handle it

Chance meetings

A story that unfortunately so far only contains a few segments that don’t really connect with each other yet, which is a shame because the basic idea would be based on another attempt of writing something a little different.

We all know the old idea of course that Jerome is definitely the kind of guy that would likely end up stalking a girl when he takes a liking to her, and while I could totally see him do that, I suddenly thought: what if it was the other way around and it happened to him?

This is not exactly a stalking story per se, but essentially, one of Gotham’s female criminals (not one from the Gotham canon) is so impressed by Jerome and the way he does things that she shows up out of nowhere one day while he’s out killing people, and from that day on, she just keeps popping up everywhere he goes, until the point comes where he almost expects her to be there because she can’t seem to stay away from him.

And at the end, this story ended up giving an idea at the end that led to another story called:

Nightly visits

While thinking about the fact that Jerome would not be above stalking some woman he’s obsessed with, I suddenly realized I could also totally see him just crashing at a woman’s place at night that he took a liking to without her knowledge, you know like secretly staying on her couch every night and leaving before she wakes up in the morning.

And that thought turned into: what if she knew about it though. And what if she just lets him do this while pretending not to notice? And this leads to eventually them both becoming aware of it and finally starting to acknowledge it and start talking to each other.

So basically Jerome turns into the crazy guy who keeps showing up at her apartment every night to spend the night and leaves again in the morning, but once they get to know each other better, they get closer and he ends up staying longer or showing up earlier than he had originally meant to when he had decided to hang out at her place.

There’s another story that I’m thinking of sharing that doesn’t have a title yet, but I’m worried it might be to plain and cute. In it, the twins have a sister that is a little bit younger than them (cause I figured the way the behave towards her might work better if she’s not the older one this time) who suffers from nightmares because of the abuse in the family, and it started to become so bad for her, that she now spends the night sharing a bed with one of the twins to cope. But, since Jerome and Jeremiah are at a point where they already constantly fight with each other, you could say they end up in a little bit of a competition with each other about who’s better at comforting her after a nightmare.

And, in a similar type of premise, also without a title so far, Jerome is at Arkham at the same time as his sister (this time she’s older again), and he goes to visit her at night in her cell, seemingly for no particular reason, but since she knows how to read him way too well, she figures him out pretty quickly and they have a little bit of a late night talk about growing up and how things have changed now (or how they haven’t really)

#gotham #jerome valeska #jeremiah valeska #my gotham writing #gotham fanfic

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bluephoenixdruidicprincess · 6 years ago

Note

I never read the Shadow Hunter books, and I all I knew from the series was from the movie, wich I saw and didn't like, and because of that pretty much forgot everything about the story. When I reluctantly started the series,out of pure curiosity and because it has supernatural elements,what I liked the most was the relationship between Alec and Jace.I noticed Alec's feelings from the first few episodes, and was actually hoping that they would end up together.When I figured out they wouldn't, ...

2/3 ...I was actually dissapointed, and honestly surprisedthat Alec would end up with Magnus, not only because I'm pretty sure there wasno Malec content in the movie (my only previous source), but also because I sawlittle to no chemistry between the actors from the series. I think Jalec wouldhave been much better (at least cting wise), and honestly, since they changedso much from the books, couldn't they have made that move? I know why theydidn't (business wise), but still, I think it would...

3/3 ...have been more interesting to watch. Itcould have been like an AU from the books (and from what I learned about thestory of the books, the show is pretty much an AU already). What do you thinkwould have been like if Jalec happened on the show? How do you think it wouldhave impacted other characters arcs (Clary's story would probably change a lotin my opinion, same as Magnus)? (Final)

I enjoy the books. I wouldn’t say they’re fantastic and whenI first read them a decade ago, I was completely in love with the series. 10years later, I can see the flaws the books have but for the most part, thoseflaws are really just a product of the time the books were written in and Istill enjoy the books for what they are. The YA genre was a different world tenyears ago.

The movie isn’t the greatest. But I don’t think it’sabsolutely terrible but I do think you have to have knowledge of the books inorder to properly enjoy it. For me, the movie started off good but the longerit went on, it just kept on losing traction. But I could find enjoyment in itbecause I knew what the movie was trying to set up for (because I’d read thebooks). In reality, the first book, City of Bones, is just a really bad book totry to adapt into a movie because so much of it is world-building and the maincharacter just running around trying to understand the world. So much of thatbook is set-up for later books and the movie tried to do the same thing butultimately it just turned into this really boring thing because reading aboutworld-building and having to watch world-building are two completely differentthings and the movie didn’t quite pull it off. Honestly, I’m not too terriblysurprised that the movie flopped. I wish they had continued with making themovies because I guarantee the next book, City of Ashes, would probably haveworked better. The movie didn’t have a whole lot of Malec content but I can confirmthat Malec is one of the main ships in the books. In the movie, it was onlyvery subtly hinted at mostly because it’s an adaptation of the first book whichadmittedly also doesn’t have a whole lot of Malec content. They kind of existmore in the background. Malec, gradually over time, gets more of a focus in thebooks and that’s more of a reflection on what the author was able to get awaywith when publishing under the YA genre over the years. As I said before, theYA genre was a very different beast ten years ago.

And it’s never really bothered me that the show made changesfrom the books, the show just had bad writing and there was definitely achemistry problem with the main ships. And it’s super weird that with all ofthe changes they made from the books, keeping the top 3 ships (Clace, Malec, Sizzy)is what they decided they absolutely couldn’t change? None of thoserelationships worked for me because the actors in those pairings had 0chemistry with each other (and the show was a little heavy-handed in telling uswho we needed to ship). In season one, I could forgive a lack of chemistry. Alot of these actors had never worked with each other before, they’re stillgetting to know each other, I can excuse that. But over the course of the nextcouple of seasons, you can tell that the actors are more familiar with eachother but they’re still lacking that relationship chemistry on-screen andunfortunately that happens sometimes. If you don’t have chemistry with someone,then you don’t have chemistry with someone. No amount of time you spend withthat person is going to make that chemistry suddenly appear. It’s why I’vementioned before that it’s glaringly obvious that no chemistry tests were donewith this cast prior to production beginning. If there were, the showrunnerswould probably have caught on and maybe made some adjustments to who they choseto cast.

But there was a showrunner change in season 2 and ideallyyou would think that as writers invested in the show they’re currently writingfor, they’d say, “you know what, we initially had this plan for Malec beingthis epic romance but they’re just not working on screen, maybe we shoulddiverge a little from the original plan.” But they didn’t. They just kept onchugging away at this couple who has no chemistry with each other and whereas Iwas willing to ignore it for a time, I eventually got to the point that Icouldn’t. It’s not like writers have never changed a relationship focus due tochemistry. That’s why Olicity became a thing in Arrow. Because the showrunnersfound that Stephen and Emily had chemistry they wanted to write a romance for.

I really wish Shadowhunters had decided to diverge from theTop 3 ships and just go off based on the chemistry they saw between theiractors on-screen. Every Jalec scene, despite me not always agreeing with thewriting decisions leading up to it, are just a joy to watch. When you watch aJalec scene, you want to look away because you feel like you’re intruding on aprivate moment. And I love when ships make me do that. I never really shippedJalec on the show because I knew they would never be a thing since the showseemed weirdly committed to keeping the top three relationships intact for somereason. But if I were the writers, I definitely would have shifted from Malecto Jalec. There are of course people who absolutely love the Malec chemistryand they’re free to do so but I’m not one of them. When Matt and Harry are in ascene together, they’re acting just becomes extremely wooden and theircharacters become pale imitations of what they once were. Everything is so forcedwhen they’re in a scene together. Harry and Matt try to make up for it byacting with their eyes and making “heart-eyes” at each other but for me, it’snot enough to overcompensate for their awkward body language around each other.And apart from them having chemistry that just doesn’t work for me, I just didn’tlike their relationship. I don’t understand whar it is about each other thatMalec likes. I have no idea why they’re choosing to stay together, they can’tsurvive a single conflict without their relationship crumbling to pieces.

But thinking about in an alternate universe if Jalec reallywas a thing is interesting, though. If you’ve been following me for a while,you know I love to think about “what if” situations. It obviously would changea lot with practically all of the characters because so much of this show isrelationship based. Like I’ve mentioned before, Shadowhunters is a trash showand only exists to give its audience shipping fodder. And I will say just as ageneral note here that this is completely different from what would happen inthe books. There’s actually a rule in the books that states you can’t fall inlove with your parabatai (bad things will happen and I’ll leave it at that).But just in show context because the show never went into the rules aboutparabatai, I like to imagine that before the show started, Alec and Jace werein this kind of “friends with benefits” type of relationship. It was purelysexual in nature, a way for them to relax after a hard day of hunting and theyjust needed a release. At least, it was like that for Jace. However, Aleccouldn’t quite shake it off. He couldn’t quite just write their relationshipoff as “just sex” and so he decided to end things with Jace because he couldn’tstand the idea of Jace not seeing him as anything more than a means ofrelieving stress. And here is when the show begins. Clary comes into the mixand obviously, if we’re shooting for a Jalec endgame there’s a lot of changesthat have to be made with Clary as she and Jace in both the books and show arethe characters the story centers on. I don’t really want to say that Jace getsinvolved with Clary only to figure out at the eleventh hour that Alec really ishis one true love, that feels a little too juvenile and easy for me, preference-wise,I hate stories that go in that direction, I hate “one true love” nonsense. Atfirst I caught myself thinking, okay, who is Clary’s endgame relationship goingto be if it’s not Jace? And then I realized, does she really need one? I mean,she just found out who she thought she was her entire life is not who sheactually is. When you’re going through something like that, should you reallybe involving yourself in a committed relationship? But I’m not opposed to herending up with someone like Simon or hey, maybe even Lydia (what ever happenedto Lydia by the way? Of all the dumb and pointless original characters the showcame up with, she was my favorite. We never found out if she ever got a happyending. Perhaps ending up with Clary could be her happy ending). We could stillhave a Malec relationship on the show but ultimately, they decide to end thingsas they feel like they can’t overcome the obstacles in their relationship, theystill care about each other deeply but sometimes in relationships, caring abouteach other isn’t enough to make it work. Alec is heartbroken that he had to endthings and he and Jace have a drunken night where they fall into bed again andinto their same old bad habits. But Alec makes it clear to Jace he’s notinterested in continuing what they used to have and because his relationshipwith Magnus made him more communicative in talking out his feelings, he comesclean to Jace about how he really feels about Jace. Jace doesn’t know how torespond so that drama gets milked for maybe half a season and let’s saysomething happens to Alec or Jace is separated from Alec for too long and Jacerealizes how much he does love Alec and the reason he couldn’t say it before isbecause he was afraid to be truly loved by someone. They confess and that’s theirendgame. As for Magnus, there was this original character named Raj that theshow just wrote off as xenophobic and an overall scumbag but when he was firstintroduced, I thought he was in the closet and was secretly crushing on Alec.

So for the purposes of this new narrative, let’s say he’s secretly crushing onMagnus and after some time of them being kind of aggressive towards one another,they realize they’re interested and a relationship blooms from that.But that’s the current mental picture of a “whatif” Jalec endgame that’s in my head right now. This would need way more time tothink on but as a story base, it’s not too bad. And actually, now I’m superinto the new Top 3 Ships being Jace/Alec, Magnus/Raj, Clary/Lydia.

#jalec

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faean · 6 years ago

Text

Adamance of a Dragon

Collaborator: @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

Rating: T+; Mild Language

Word Length: 3,276

Chapter 6- First Day Jitters

First day of school! I still cannot believe I convinced Aaron to leave this early in the morning so we could arrive at our classes before most everyone else. I also just wanted to spend more time out of the house after being stuck inside for the last two weeks of March having to fight my heat. The train station was still fairly busy, but there certainly were fewer people.

Eating a breakfast burrito to pass the time as I waited for Aaron, I received a good morning text from Todoroki. After learning a bit more about his childhood from his sister over the past month, I began to cherish these small efforts by him far more. Even with the loss of my family, I had Aaron and Aria by my side. I simply cannot fathom feeling so lonely for so long with one’s family so close by. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I tried to push the thoughts out of my head. Dwelling on them any longer would likely result in my holding a grudge against Endeavor, and I do not wish to choose sides unless absolutely necessary.

“Hey, Faian. You ready to go?”

I must have been quite engrossed in my thoughts to not notice when Aaron arrived. With a simple nod, we began our trek to U.A.

Casting a side-glance at Aaron, I saw the odd look on his face. I could even smell stress sweat through his deodorant, though, I did not need my draconic senses to do so.

“Nervous, little flame?”

“A bit. It’s just the pressure of going to such a well-known school. It’ll pass. Hopefully.”

It did not take long to arrive, and we had three quarters of an hour before class even began. First stopping at Aaron’s shoe locker so he could switch his footwear (I kept my moccasins on, and wore my jacket draped over my shoulders/school uniform), we continued through the school, looking for our classes and generally just exploring.

Until Aaron decided to head to class early, wanting some time to gather his nerves. Bidding him farewell, I decided to do the same and wait for class to start. While in class.

Yeah.

‘Oh gods, I am a mess’ was the first thing to pass through my mind as I entered through the massive door. Although, any thoughts of anxiety were dashed when I noticed just how peculiarly the school made their accommodations for having an extra student enrolled. There was literally just an extra desk in the row furthest from the door, and it looked incredibly out of place.

I mean, could they not have just centered it? Or changed the lay out? Schools back in the States easily accommodated over 30 students in a single class room; at least, that is what Aaron told me, considering I have not been inside a class room in nearly five years.

Shrugging, as there was little point in continuing this line of thought, I took my seat in the back corner, feeling a bit like some sort of protagonist. Although, I would probably be more of an anti-hero than anything. Perhaps my time in this course will change that. Then again, that would require altering my very nature as a dragon.

Ah, well. I doubt that will come into focus any time soon.

Crossing my arms on my desk and resting my chin on them, I took note of the students who gradually filled the room. Some were rather, well, vivid. I suppose being a hero does require a certain energy and amount of extravagance, but some of these characters were a tad over the top.

Fortunately, I was able to avoid much of the ruckus they caused and greeted Todoroki when he arrived; however, the young lass who sat ahead of me was kind enough to introduce herself.

She had a lovely voice and carried herself with an aura of confidence. Her luscious black hair and warm onyx eyes, along with the sweet smile on her lips also painted her with a caring attitude.

“I’m Yaoyorozu Momo, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Nadal Faian. I apologize if I sound formal or my Japanese is a bit odd. I am originally from the States; California to be precise.” I answered after she bowed, bowing my head in response.

“That explains the extra desk. U.A is known for accepting only a certain number of students. You must be pretty special for them to make an exception.”

A small blush dusted my cheeks at the compliment. I nodded sheepishly, unsure of how to respond. Thankfully, I did not have to as a green-haired male entered the room, causing a stir that drew the attention of many of the students, including myself and Yaoyorozu. Admittedly, with all the noise, I could not discern who said what, nor what was even said until a familiar tired voice cut through the commotion (I may have also not been paying attention until said voice).

“If you’re just here to make friends then you can pack up your stuff now.”

Being so far in the back, I could not see who was speaking (I had an idea), but he continued.

“Welcome to U.A.’s hero course … It took eight seconds before you all shut up. That’s not gonna work. Time is precious. Logical students would understand that.”

By now I could confirm who was speaking. Aizawa Shouta, a fairly tall male with messy black hair in a black outfit, a scarf resting atop his shoulders and a sleeping bag(?) in his grasp. “Hello, I am Aizawa Shouta, your homeroom teacher.”

His introduction shocked the trio in the front, and several other students in the room; however, he remained unfazed and continued speaking. “Right, let’s get to it. Put these on and head outside.”

He pulled what looked like a physical education uniform out of his sleeping bag (I am curious as to why he had it in there of all places). No questions were asked, though, as everyone followed his instructions.

I was the first on the field we were to meet at, having forgone changing in the locker room in favor of simply shifting my current outfit into the new uniform (still had to place the new uniform in my locker to do so). It had earned me a few glances but, to be fair, I did look a bit off with the subtle mutations from my quirk in the first place. Aaron had once described the feeling as entering a room where everything was moved a couple inches in one direction and knowing something was off, but not being able to tell what it was.

While I was still the only one present, Aizawa had approached me and asked (it was more of an order) if I could aid in the upcoming exercise, leaving out exactly what it was I would be helping with.

I agreed.

Once the rest of the students had gathered, Aizawa announced that we would be partaking in a quirk assessment test, which led to several students to repeat the words in confusion. A brunette, whom I recognized as Uraraka, the girl I had tied with, also asked about orientation, exclaiming that we would be missing it by taking this test.

Not bothering to look at the other students, Aizawa stated “if you really wanna make the big leagues, you can’t waste time on pointless ceremonies.” Several students gasped at his bluntness before he continued. “Here at U.A., we’re not tethered to traditions. That means I get to run my class however I see fit.”

More gasps.

“You’ve been taking standardized tests most of your lives. But you never got to use your Quirks in physical exams before. The country’s still trying to pretend we’re all created equal by not letting those with the most power excel. It’s not logical. One day, the ministry of Education will learn.”

Turning to face the students, his attention landing on one in particular, our teacher kept up his lecture. “Bakugou, you managed to get the most points on the entrance exam. What was your farthest distance throw with a softball when you were in Junior High?”

All eyes were trained on Bakugou as he answered. “Sixty-seven meters, I think.”

‘Thank gods I excel in mathematics, otherwise the metric system would have screwed me during the move,’ I thought before Aizawa requested Bakugou to throw the ball using his Quirk. Having been in a different area than him during the entrance exam, I knew naught of his Quirk, nor the applications of it. My lack of knowledge piqued my interest as I watched intently (although, the thought of being needed for something still lingered in my mind).

Standing in the circle, Aizawa told him that he can do anything with his Quirk, so long as he remained within the circle; followed by him berating Bakugou for wasting time (it had only been a few seconds!). Although, it did not phase the ashen blond one bit, his nonchalant response serving as evidence.

However, I was rather baffled when he loudly growled ‘Die’ and launched the ball with what appeared to be an explosion.

While the ball was still soaring through the air, Aizawa plainly said, “all of you need to know your maximum capabilities,” pausing to let the ball hit the ground, he faced the rest of the students, revealing the impressive distance of 705.2 meters on his phone (I think it was his phone) while he continued to say, “it’s the most logical way of figuring out your potential as a pro hero.”

Hear that? Even more gasping.

After the initial shock wore off, many students began to voice their excitement about being able to use their abilities; however, our teacher was quick to silence them.

“So, this looks fun, huh? (By the gods, gasping again?!) You have three years here to become a hero. You think it’s all gonna be games and play time? Idiots. Today you’ll compete in eight physical tests to gauge your potential, with Nadal here,” he gestured to me briefly, “demonstrating each test and setting the bar you should aim to surpass; without using his Quirk. Whoever comes in last has no potential and will be expelled immediately.”

Two things. First, I now realize that it was Aizawa who expelled an entire class, once upon a time. Second, I cannot believe he is using me as the control. Well, actually, I can. After all, he was the teacher I had to meet with to fill out the paperwork for my enrollment (alongside the principal). Still, it would have been nice to have received a warning, especially with some of my classmates now murmuring about me (it did not help that I could hear everything, fully attentive this time around).

After reminding us that he gets to run this class as he sees fit and telling us to just leave if we have a problem with it, Aizawa received several complaints. Specifically, from Uraraka, who passionately believed the threat of expulsion to be unfair and question his ruling.

Once again establishing why we are here at U.A., our teacher answered with a string of scenarios. “Oh, and you think natural disasters are? Or power-hungry villains? Hm? Or catastrophic accidents that wipe out whole cities? No, the world if full of unfairness. It’s a hero’s job to try to combat that unfairness. If you wanna be a pro, you’re gonna have to push yourself to the brink. For the next three years, U.A. will throw one terrible hardship after another at you. So, go beyond. Plus Ultra-style.”

Aizawa held a look of contempt on his face, challenging the students with a beckoning motion of his hand. Also…

More god damn gasping.

With that said, we began the tests. The first test we took (and the first for me to demonstrate), was the 50 meter dash. Complying with the parameters set by my teacher for me, I traversed the distance without using my Quirk. This earned me a total time of 3.51 seconds and was the goal the other students were supposed to pass (which was done by the male with mufflers in his calves, whom I learned was named Iida Tenya).

We continued this pattern throughout all eight tests, with some of the students capable of matching my base numbers and even surpassing them. My results for the remaining seven tests were…

Grip Strength- 453 kilograms.

Standing Long Jump- Cleared.

Sustained Sideways Jump- I do not recall; I sort of got distracted.

Ball Throw- 1,327 meters.

And the last three were only regular old fitness tests, not exactly worth mentioning. Admittedly, it was indeed unfair for me to act as the control since my body is naturally superhuman in order for it to withstand my Quirk. Also, I am certain Aizawa knew this from our previous meetings and exploited it; as if threatening expulsion was not enough motivation.

Especially when the small green-et was singled out by Aizawa during the ball thrown. His Quirk was self-destructive but, I must admit, I took a liking to him. I remember just how much my own Quirk would break down my body until I began channeling it properly. Even his minor speech was rousing, and I could not prevent myself from helping relieve some of the pain of his broken finger (I made a splint using some earth magic).

And I was not the only one with an interest in him. At some point during these tests, I noticed All Might (of all people) watching from around a corner. He was quite enthralled by Midoriya Izuku, and his obvious excitement during his ball throw reminded me that Aaron and I saw him training Midoriya.

Aside from those few things, and Bakugou nearly assaulting Midoriya, the assessment had come to a close with out much issue. Aizawa displayed our overall standing, not bothering to go over individual scores, as well as admitting that his threat of expulsion was no more than a ‘logical ruse’. Or a ‘rational deception’, I am not sure which (I still have some trouble translating back and forth). Fortunately, Yaoyorozu figured that out and, hopefully, a few other students did.

I would expect nothing less; however, of the girl who was one of two people who beat the base line average Aizawa had me set (Todoroki was the other, of course). With that, most of us went back to class, with the exception for Midoriya, who had to head to Recovery Girl’s office.

The rest of the day was uneventful, well, until I was awaiting Aaron after school.

“Oi! Cat eyes!”

Sighing, I turned towards the owner of the raucous voice, Bakugou Katsuki, to answer. “Ello, Bakugou. How may I be of assistance?”

Stormy eyes glared into mine as I stood stooped before the shorter male, my expression maintaining its natural disinterest.

“You can tell me how the hell a damn extra like you pulled off those stunts without a Quirk! Did Aizawa have you cheat to make us look bad?” The edge in his voice and sparking of his palms would have been intimidating if he was, well, intimidating.

“Ah, dear Bakugou, there is no need for you to fret. Aizawa merely wished for me to provide more competition. As for how I accomplished such feats,” I took a step closer, a mischievous grin dancing across my lips as I honeyed my words, “such knowledge requires an equal trade, Iratus Catella.”

With that, I strolled back towards the school, leaving the ‘angry puppy’ behind to contemplate what I told him; however, I was not paying much attention to my surroundings as I was focused on finding Aaron. As a result, I knocked into someone. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around the person and spun so they would land on me (it happened a lot when Aaron and I were kids).

“What luck you must have,” slipped my mouth as I smiled lazily on the ground.

Noticing the ruffled emerald hair tickling my chin, I realize it was Midoriya who I rushed into it. I also remembered that he had broken his finger during the assessment test, and I grew worried I may have damaged it further. After all, such a small yet defiant young lad requires-

‘Oh, my gods, he is adorable!’, was what shot through my mind as he pushed himself up, the warm light of the afternoon sun cascading over-

‘Why the hell must it be so bright?’, was the second thought that went through my mind as Midoriya became ridiculously flustered and scrambled off of me, apologizing profusely as three other students -Iida, Uraraka, and Aaron- approached us, asking if we were ‘okay’.

“I am quite all right, thank you. I am more concerned with the little clover. I do hope I did not aggravate your finger,” I say, sitting up and crossing my legs.

“Oh, no! It’s completely fine, I mean, I should’ve been looking where I was going and if you didn’t catch me, I probably would’ve needed to head back to the nurse and it would have been super embarrassing to go back so soon after already breaking my finger!” He finally took a breath and started to calm down, asking if I needed a hand.

Picking my jacket off the ground and shifting my uniform into my regular outfit, I stood without assistance, thanking Midoriya for the offer as he, Iida, and Uraraka held a look of mild confusion.

Iida was the first to speak, asking “May I inquire as to what your Quirk is? It must be quite powerful if our teacher recognizes your strength.”

“That’s right! Aizawa had you set the bar for everyone. Didn’t he have you do it without your Quirk, too?” Uraraka followed.

“I suppose it would be best for me to share. The name bestowed upon my Quirk is ‘Draconico Vitae’, better known as Dragon of Life,” I gestured to a few of my noticeable draconic features. “Simply put, I am capable of anything a dragon of my kind is, including having the ability to perform powerful elemental magic. As a result, my natural capabilities as a human are far greater than the average person; otherwise, I would not have survived the backlash of my Quirk.”

“Physical traits and abilities aside, Faian also shares the same nature as a dragon. He hoards knowledge and anything of importance, is inclined to disinterest, and tends to be lazy,” Aaron added.

Iida and Uraraka were impressed, while Midoriya was ceaselessly scribbling in a damaged journal. Being much taller, I could see that he was taking notes on my Quirk, as well as sketching several of my traits and jotting down possible fighting styles. Admittedly, his mumbling was much more interesting, but he was speaking so fast I was unable to understand most of it.

“You know, I would be willing to share more on my Quirk, for a price.”

However, Aaron was quick to remind me of the time, stating “Faian, now is not the time for you to make trades. I’m certain they want to know more about your Quirk, but we need to get going. You did order a bunch of new furniture that was supposed to come in today.”

“My Victorian-era furniture! We need to get to my house before the delivery truck, otherwise they may skip it and I shall lose my payment!”

“You wasted a lot of time not using contractions.”

After casting a playful glare towards Aaron, I bid farewell to our new friends. Picking Aaron up bridal-style, I unfurled my wings and took off towards my house.

Beta Reader, Collaborator, Owner of Aria and Aaron Granchester, and Creator of the Illegitimate Son storyline- @i-am-here-with-fanfic.

PS- Check out her tumblr and SPAM it.

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 7 years ago

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Scared of Leaving?

HWDYKYM got this in our ask box:

“I’m a second gen from Australia, and I’m currently questioning the beliefs and customs of the unification church. I just wanted to ask, when you left the church, did you feel scared at all? Did the thought of ‘what if all they taught was right’ ever cross your mind? I’m currently stuck between leaving the church or staying, and am currently exploring other more ‘normal’ religions. Many thanks.”

I decided to share this with some other second generation who left the church and here are some of their responses:

I legitimately wondered if I was going to get struck by lightening or run over by a car for the first year or so. My mom had had a spiritual child that left and then drowned a few months later, so as a kid she drilled into me that that’s what happens when you leave. Plus I was terrified to tell people about where I “came from” because I thought I would be judged or thrown out (like in so many establishments on STF) so it took me a long time to develop my family of choice.

When I was younger I had told my parents that I wanted to explore other religions, and they all but forbid me from doing it. They explained that since they knew that following the church was the right path, there was no point in me exploring others. My response was, “Well if it’s right, then there’s no harm in looking elsewhere, because I’ll obviously find my way back,” but they wouldn’t have it. Whether out of fear or just plain stubbornness I still don’t know. To me that is evidence of the total control the church exerts over its members. It forbids them to have empathy or open-mindedness, and it prevents them from experiencing all the goodness this world has to offer. The Divine Principle teaches that the purpose of life is to attain happiness, and I was anything but happy in the church. Yes I terrified for months before and after I “left,” although I can’t pinpoint an exact event or time. It was more of a series of lifestyle changes that gradually brought me away, but also made me happier and improved my quality of life. As things got better, my fear eventually subsided. My advice? Go explore! Committing to a life of faith is a big decision and should be taken seriously. Land in a place where you are comfortable to be free, express yourself, and explore your unique potential.

I always come back to this answer to the original question: ‘If your parents got to choose their own faith that their parents probably didn’t agree with, why can’t you?’ Isn’t that part of growing? Would they have discovered the UC if they didn’t explore other religions, different from their own parents’? Also the “pure blood lineage” scenario runs through some sects of the Jewish, Muslim, and basically Judeo-Christian teachings, so the UC is not special in that sense. That’s how the church kept me in fear of disbanding. It’s a false-privileged old way of controlling someone, and it’s the very definition of conditional love. I would let this person know that practically all of 2nd gens I know have left the church, because we found that the world is bigger than the narrow confines of the UC. It’s okay to question things just like Martin Luther did with starting the Protestant Church, and Rev. Moon did with the UC, and what the Pope is doing right now.

Something I find comfort in is the idea that good people are good people, that goodness is goodness, regardless of affiliation or belief. It’s your character and your actions that matter, that determine the quality of your life and the impact you can have on the world, much more than your creed. Even the DP teaches that people with good hearts are the ones actually closest to God, rather than “whitewashed tombs” of people who claim the truth. Even if it turns out that you’re “wrong” in what side of the fence you decide to jump down on, it doesn’t really matter as long as you live your life well. It’s hard to know or sure what’s true. We just have to do our best with whatever knowledge and certainty we do have. If there is a Heaven, I think all the people who are truly loving, generous, and courageous are the ones who will end up there – be they atheists, Hindus, Mormons, or even Unificationists.

From a young age, I knew the cost of being a Unificationist was big, especially if you really believed in it. I’m not one to half-ass anything, and if Moon was the messiah, I wanted to get matched by him, do at least two years of STF, convert all my friends, make the Principle known, create a perfect heteronormative family under the reign of Cheon Il Guk, and pay indemnity for my Japanese sins. But for some reason, I was always suspicious of it all. I felt like I didn’t have enough reasons to believe. I would do conditions of 210 bows for 40 days, cold showers, fasting, etc., to receive an undeniable confirmation that Moon was truly the Lord of the Second Advent, like the myths we heard from early UC history. Nothing ever came. What kept me in for so long was the fact that I never experienced a love like I did among church members. That was my testimony and the reason I put my faith in Moon. Eventually, when I discovered the atrocities done in the name of Moon and by Moon, especially after I read Nan Sook Hong’s book “In the Shadow of the Moons” I knew I couldn’t stay much longer. I was scared of leaving because of my parents, of course, but also because I thought I’d never have friends like I did in the UC. We constantly heard that rhetoric that friendships outside the Church are pointless and what BCs share is unique, etc. After I left, though, I developed deeper friendships than I had in the church. I had friends who loved me no matter what my views on spirituality were and loved me when I fucked up and I found out what true love—that unconditional love we were told about at camp—was really about. I somehow ending up forming convictions in God, Jesus, etc., that I couldn’t ignore, and despite my cynicism and fear of organized religion, I ended up in a progressive Christian community that could support me in my faith (and me with theirs) and live out these convictions presented by Jesus together. All that to say, it may be really hard leaving, but it will be worth it. Explore your convictions, your ideas, and be the best you. It fucks with Moonies’ heads when they see somebody so clearly living out true love and not buying into their crap—and outright rejecting it.

First I would tell he or she that “religion” should not be perceived as a social group that one just joins. Even though, that’s basically what it is on the surface. You should look deeper inside yourself. Find something you truly believe in. For me it’s God. I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. Which is something all religions can help you discover within your self. But you should not have to need/depend on a religious group to find/keep your spirituality. I mean that’s just my perspective. Just be an open person. Be infinite. Take everything in. And live your life. I was horrified at the beginning. But then you’re just free. And that’s awesome.

I was afraid whenever I’d go against the church’s rules, but I found that more often than not I wouldn’t feel the repercussions of sin that were promised. The more I went against the church, ultimately the less afraid I became. There was a lot of questioning and doubt, I certainly wondered what would happen to me, and what if they were right. I think it’s good to seek out truth for yourself. Ultimately if you find the church is your answer then you can go back. They’re desperate for more members anyway.

While I was questioning my beliefs, I felt a lot of shame and guilt about being ungrateful for TP, and doubting them so much. I feared God would be disappointed in my lack of faith. But the more evidence I found that the faith itself was inconsistent and false, the more boldly I was able to think for myself and discover who I am. It’s terrifying at first to think that everyone you know and all the adults you’ve looked up to are wrong. But it also gives you freedom, when you can ascertain your own beliefs instead of just checking in with what “Father says”.

There are a million and one religions that purport that they are “right” and “the one”. I don’t think God (if you believe in God) would screw the rest of the groups based on what religion they belong to or what specific traditions they encourage, but rather the love we offer to others. Isn’t that unconditional love?

For me leaving the church was a very big deal. I would say that the fear was more to do with losing something I had invested my time, energy and person into. Eventually the cognitive dissonance becomes too strong and the overwhelming conclusion that what the UC teaches is not true just becomes your new normal. The process is real, it takes time though. Joining other religions can help as a kind of a ‘step down’. I’ve explored a few Christian churches and found that in some circles, having been part of another religion that I believed in and left, has made me far more skeptical than most of the congregation. In others I’ve met people who have had a similar journey from conservative faith into something more complex (and liberal).

Not so much fear for me. Maybe little fleeting twinges of it early on. But it was a slower transition and more gradual over time which I’m sure made it easier. Two points to remember: 1) I’ve never seriously considered that I could permanently lose my relationship with my mother. We’re related by blood. We disagree at times, but if anything threatened my life. She’d only be closer to me, no matter what had divided us. She’s my mother. She loves me. How much more would that apply to my father in heaven. Who not only gave me physical life, but a spiritual nature as well. 2) Would it make sense, if you invested in my business, that I would tell you… "Don’t trust information from anyone else but me. Because only my information will help you understand my stock and make the right choice about investing in it. The more you trust my information, and ignore all other information, the better financial decisions you will make!” That doesn’t work for ANYTHING you can name in life! The more diverse information you receive, the more thoroughly you will understand something, and the better decisions you will then make. So why is it that the ones who claim to have the highest, most important truth want to prohibit you from getting information from anyone but them? What are they afraid of? People that have FACTS on their side, never fear any information that would seem to contradict them, because if they have enough facts on their side, they can easily handle any challenge offered. But the UC fears such challenges, and wants you to believe that being fully informed is even “evil” and can undermine the supposed greatest truth there is! But that is ridiculous of course, seeing as how, in ANY question in life—finances, house purchasing, medical issues, intimate relationships, science… ANYTHING… the more informed I am, the more thoroughly I understand something, the more I can make the best informed decision! Hope this helped. God bless!

An Open Letter to the Unification Church from a former 2nd Gen.

Dear UC / FFWPU,

The other day I was visiting some childhood friends who also grew up “blessed children.” We realized that if the Unification Church had actually practiced “true love”, embodied God’s love and compassion, and created truly kind individuals, we would probably still believe. But we didn’t encounter that God of love we heard so many speeches about while in the FFWPU. In fact, we encountered the opposite. We encountered a God who shames and punishes his children, a love with countless conditions, and a toxic culture that is constantly creating an “us vs them” dichotomy.

There was no room for those who were politically liberal, LGBT or gender nonconforming, or questioning their faith – and authenticity was hard to find.

We may have been drawn to the UC in the 70s, because many of us are also idealists with big hearts. Perhaps we’d fall in love with the communities of faith that existed in the early UC, and perhaps we’d find individuals with a love for God, a love for people, and ideals and visions that could rock the world.

But that was a faded reality by the time we came around. All talk of peace was for PR. BCs were constantly shamed, and members constantly used. There were remnants of what the First Generation encountered, but that was despite the Church, not because of it.

We left the UC / FFWPU because we could not find that Love we heard about. We were sorely disappointed, and we were unable to muster any faith in this thing. Believe us, we tried. We prayed, fasted, sought answers from elders, took cold showers, went to Cheongpyeong – but everything only confirmed something we knew in our hearts: this movement was not of God. All that was of God among us was despite the movement, not because of it.

We’re gone because you pushed us out. You made no room for us. You didn’t even attempt to live out that new truth you claimed changed your life. You were more focused on promoting and protecting your clan, and preserving and enforcing a questionable moral code, and glorifying a single man.

We were not blessed families. We were cursed.

Signed,

A Former 2nd Gen, and supposedly a “blessed child”.

Fear is not a good reason to stay in the UC

Developing Healthy Boundaries

conformity

Bending Truth – Cognitive Dissonance

Reality and the Sacred – Jordan Peterson, University of Toronto

Indemnity is a Moon Trap

The Four Fallen Natures of the Divine Principle are used as a means of controlling members.

Books and articles written by members who left the Unification Church

My advice on leaving the UC

#Moonies

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blackwoolncrown · 7 years ago

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A Crucial Message for White People

This is something the world needs you to understand before it truly is too late: you can be a white person, but there is no such thing as ‘white culture’.

Now understand that this is something that cannot be thought of shallowly. There’s nothing so dangerous as a little thinking. A poor thinker in this case might wonder ‘but if there’s no white culture then why does there get to be a Black culture?’ and that’s an issue of nuance and context that I’m saving for another day. I want to focus on why white culture doesn’t exist.

First of all, pretty much the entirety of human society relies on myths.

There is the physical world with which we tangibly interact, and then there is a massive and complex universe of ideas and concepts humans have thought up. We use many of these ideas to create new physical objects for the physical world, but more importantly we use these ideas to create ideologies and concepts that unify a group.

A tribe of 50-100 or so humans could get along because they knew each other individual in their tribe personally, but how do you get thousands, if not millions of humans to cooperate even on a basic level?

Tell me, where in nature are the lines that mark where one country starts and another ends? Where is America? Where is Poland? Where is Italy? Where are any of these nations? There are physical landmasses underlying each one, and in some areas fences, mountains, rivers or walls, even paint lines put down, but none of those things is the actual country or the boundary of one. All we have are ideas we have all agreed on to be true. And these ideas help us cooperate. The idea of a Nation creates a stand-in for a tribe, and gives humans something to be loyal to.

Of course, a Nation is just an idea, and it can be contested. ‘America’ exists, but the land and Native people of ‘America’ were here before the idea of ‘America’ was thought up, murdered for, and penned on a declaration. Even now, they understand this, and the concept of America never objectively changed their past or became an objective truth for them.

So, back to being white. It’s identifiable, sure. It’s more accurate to say you’re light, but let’s not split hairs. But where are you from? Are you American? Irish? Polish? Italian? A mixture? Your family lineage stems from your ancestors, and you call your ancestors Scottish, Swedish or German because that’s where they were born- though in many cases it wasn’t necessarily called that nor was the country shaped the same way at the time. Every European country is different, has a different history, culture, set of norms, stories and myths. Every European country is a separate tribe with its own defining features and beliefs. You cannot fight for ‘European culture’ because there is no one monolithic European culture. That phrase is a dog whistle that means ‘white heritage’ which also is a thing that doesn’t exist.

However, if your European identity that’s what makes you what you are, then you need to realize that Nationality is a flimsy concept of lineage, too. Anyone born in that country today just like your ancestors were then is going to be that Nationality as well, which is why there are Asian Brazilians and Black Germans. “But they aren’t REAL Germans!” you say.

And why not? Because Germans aren’t Black? They are when they’re born there, just like your ancestors. The only reason Germans historically weren’t commonly Black is because the majority of Black people were elsewhere at the time.

But things change, populations shift. And so, you see, you cannot conflate the condition of being physically white with a Nationality. Ethnicity and Nationality are two different things. ‘White’ has no objective cultural location, only a coincidental overlap with a history of different ethnicities that have evolved to a more diverse level to day. Which makes identifying just what a Nationality means somewhat more vague.

And this is where racists start getting uncomfortable. Change. The idea that they see their heritage dying. But that’s an issue of what identity they choose.

The only thing dying is the conflation of whiteness with ethnicity.

White is not an ethnicity. White is a social construct- and to say that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist but it is rather a specific physical attribute and social context with no tangible core values other than a lack of melanin. It is a functional myth made identifiable and sustainable by the presence of a physical attribute.

Your viking ancestors weren’t amazing because they were white. (Also there were black vikings)

Your Irish ancestors weren’t brave because they were white.

Your Italian ancestors weren’t creative because they were white.

To be white affords one no objective physical advantage across the board other than the ability to absorb vitamin D from the sun more quickly, which comes hand in hand with increased risk of sunburn and skin cancer.

Currently, white people tend to operate under a myth that whiteness is a ‘thing’ and that whiteness can grant superiority to a person. And that whiteness is a tangible cultural identity- it is not. This is the crucial misunderstanding. DO NOT CONFLATE YOUR LINEAGE WITH WHITENESS. DO NOT MISTAKE WHITENESS FOR AN ETHNICITY.

It is white people’s continued agreement to this myth that perpetuates white privilege and its partner: bigotry.

You may have seen people saying lately ‘whiteness is not a culture’. I slightly disagree because it has certainly developed as an idea into a culture if ignorance, shallow thought, unsustainability, disconnectedness and hate (the way that something like say, gaming has a culture), but I digress. What they mean is that whiteness is not an ethnic culture the way any other ethnicity is. There is no place whiteness was born- whiteness was a gradual genetic mutation to allow humans to live in less sunny climates. There is no unifying white existence- a white person from Sweden today, a white American from 30 years ago, and a white person in Russia 200 years ago have pretty much 0 unifying experiences other than human ones: seeking shelter, enjoyment and food, for instance.

To attach yourself to a non-existent concept divorced from tangible reality grows more and more unsustainable the more that concept is separated from the identifiable physical world. We will probably never have a schism over what a rock is; we can have vehement debates about what ‘beauty’ is, and we go to war over ideas.

When white people see their ‘history’ disappearing, it is not because anyone made it disappear. It is because the continued intellectual pursuits of humanity and the tides of time have dissolved what they thought was a concrete identity of superiority and victory into a vague concept desperately trying to smooth over a history of pointless bloodshed and hate. What is ‘disappearing’ only disappears as the truth appears. The unsustainability of the white fantasy- not just that Whiteness is a defensible culture but that ‘Whiteness’ is a concrete identity in the first place- is its own downfall.

And it will fall.

You will still be here. Your family and future family will still be here. But you will be, just like everyone else, simply people. Your past may be one of pride, of lineage, of Russian, French or simply ‘Southern’ identity, but whiteness is simply a descriptor for the people of your family, and not what they stood for.

You can’t fight forever for something that never existed. It won’t last.

So if you identify as a ‘supreme white’, if you hold that idea even vaguely or do not confront it, then yes, it would look as if society is trying to remove you.

However, if you identify as a person before anything else, if you see that you have a skin color and a family heritage like everyone else, if you realize that your history is no more or less glorious than anyone else’s, you realize that if anything is threatening you, it is the aggressive, divisive rhetoric of White Supremacy.

Back to myths? White culture is a myth. The entire ‘historical’ narratives of independence, manifest destiny, valor and might is a selective cherry-picking of the past to string together a rallying myth of pride and supremacy. It is a myth that, by necessity, leaves out the white fear and isolation that caused such defensive, desperate actions. It is a myth that, by necessity, leaves out the beauty and complexity of the cultures it dominated so that it could make them look inferior and deserving of violence.

Whiteness and white supremacy is a myth. It’s an idea that a group of people agree on so they can all identify with it and thus have a common thread with which to identify with other humans.

The thing about myths? Humans create them to influence and control. One human can only lead so many other humans. But a human with a good story can lead millions.

Stop believing the bedtime story. Wake up.

#mine

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crouzerzero · 7 years ago

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Yahari ore no seishun rabu come wa machigatteiru Vol.12 Chapter 1 " Finally, the seasons change, and the snows melt."

Translated by FatFluffyFish’s I have long since gotten used to the winter cold. Because I have never left my place of birth, or this street, this cold was something I’ve been acquainted with for a very long time. Thus, I didn’t feel that there was anything special about winter in Chiba. Whether it’s the dry air, the prickling icy wind, or the chills creeping up my back from my feet, they weren’t that particularly loathsome. Though, it was still annoying. You could say that for things with which one becomes accustomed, they are seen as natural occurrences, and thus are widely accepted. Anyway, whether it’s hot or cold, it’s a question of how much that has surpassed the current weather standards. In other words, you can’t compare this cold against anything if you have never experienced winter in other places. So, if you don’t know what warmth is, then you would never know about other sources of warmth. For example, warmth is just like when you blow out white breaths of air to warm your frozen hands, or the soft sound of your coat and muffler rubbing against each other, or just like when a bunch of people sit on a bench and accidentally rub their knees against each other, or even the simple heat from the person sitting next to you. I thought about why warmth obtained through touch was so scary as I stretched myself. By the way, the people sitting next to me were Yukinoshita and Yuigahama. The two of them were sitting a fist apart. At night, in this park that was just next to the sea, there was no one else but the three of us. If I looked up, I could see the two condo buildings where Yukinoshita was staying. This park was a small walk away from the shopping district in front of the station, and if you took the main road, you would immediately arrive at the street filled with condominiums. Although it was by the sea, because of the presence of various majestic trees, and the trees planted to firm the sand, the sea breeze was not that chilly. Even so, the reason why we all could feel the winter air so strongly was because of the lack of people, and the gradually accumulating snow. The day was still the 14th of February. People call this day Valentine’s Day — or the day of dried sardines. Today was the day that my sister, Komachi, was going to be taking the entrance exam for my school. At the same time, it was the day where we headed towards the aquarium together. The snow that had fallen since morning had not accumulated much, but its presence could clearly be seen on the trees and grass. Let me tell you, snow can absorb noise. Although I didn’t think that such a thin layer of snow could possibly reduce noise by any discernable amount, it seemed like none of us were making any noise — just staring off silently into the night. For a fleeting moment, the moonlight snow and streetlamps illuminated us. Thanks to that, our figures lit up brightly in contrast to the dark night. I remembered that in the past, the lamps emitted a pale fluorescent light. If that was still the case now, I am pretty sure that light would make us all feel colder. The orange color that reflected off the snow did however give off a warm vibe. Still, the snow would disappear after the slightest touch. That warm, transient light tells me that the sparkling snow that fell into the ocean in the setting sun was not a hallucination. Snow had indeed fallen, and the day that we had spent together was real as well. The snow was proof of it, yet, with a subtle temperature difference, or with the slight passing of time, it will disappear. If you touch it, it disappears, and if you play with it, it will crumble and break. However, even if nothing was done to it, it will still disappear one day. If the weather remains cold like this, is it possible that it would stay there forever…? I keep thinking about these meaningless “ifs.” With a shiver, I tossed those wild thoughts aside. The answer to that was found long ago when I made that snowman back when I was a kid. I shook my head, and left the bench. From the corner of my eyes, I spotted a half red half blue vending machine. Just as I was about to head over, I turned my head and asked, “Want to drink something?” Hearing my question, they looked at each other for a brief moment, but just as quickly, they nodded their heads. I nodded my head to show that I understood. I walked to the vending machine and took out some spare change from my wallet. Like always, I chose coffee. Then, I chose two plastic packaged red teas as well. Squatting down, I quietly slipped them into my coat’s pocket. As I was taking out the drinks one by one, the last one that reached my hand was a little scalding yet had an unusual chill to it. If I were to keep holding it, I would definitely be scalded. As I quickly tossed the can back and forth from one hand to another, I thought about the reason why it would even feel cold. When my hand got used to the heat of the can, my question was answered. The warmth that could be felt by one’s body could be represented in numbers. Without ascribing to them any sort of meaning, they are only numbers. However, I do know of warmth that was more than that. The difference between warmth and warm temperature was not just in their words. I had felt it through actual experience as well. Despite that, I didn’t feel that I had noticed anything worth praising since I had only just realized that. When comparing the warmth that I could obtain through coffee with a 100 yen coin, I felt that the warmth given off from body temperature that I received in that swift instant when our knees touched was a lot warmer. While ignoring the heat in my hand, I continued to walk towards the bench. As I walked, I reminisced about the warmth in my chest that had remained to this day. I had an inkling that, most likely, it was no longer possible for me to feel this warmth again. Hence, I wanted to let time freeze in this instant, yet I found myself continuously marching on. The seat that I had been sitting in when I walked off was still empty when I returned. Since I now understood that warmth, I couldn’t bring myself to sit down. What, then, is the correct distance to be? Up until now, I have not found an answer to this question. So I thought, “It should be fine up till here. I would probably be allowed to take a step further,” as I continued to walk slowly towards them. Just like how this entire year had played out, I gradually approached them, testing my limits as to whether I can move a bit closer, and at the same time, continuously recalculated the sense of distance between us. I made bold steps forward while not knowing anything, yet carefully treaded whenever I noticed something. However, when I realized that I didn’t understand anything, my legs couldn’t take another step forward. Just one more step. Even half a step would be good. But, at this distance, I stopped. The streetlamps illuminated the bench like a spotlight. Shadows snaked off into countless directions, gradually fading off into the distance. I gazed mindlessly at those shadows as I took out the two cans of red tea and silently passed it to them. They both seemed a little troubled, but thanked me anyway. They reached out for the tea, and I carefully handed it over so as to not touch their fingertips, then put my hands back in my pockets. In that moment, there was a clear, crisp crinkling noise. I could feel something smooth in my pockets, and, upon inspection, I noticed that it was the packet of cookies that I had just received. The amount of cookies had neither increased nor decreased. Well, even if I were to repeatedly smash them, it would not increase either. Likewise, happiness would not increase so simply. Be it Peter, Chita, or Carrousel,* they have all mentioned this. (*Refers to Shinnosuke Ikehata, Kiyoko Suizenji and Maki Carrousel, no idea how they are related to the sentence.) Yet, despite it clearly not increasing, the fact that it could so easily decrease or be lost was a horrible characteristic of it. Worried that they might’ve been smashed, or mashed into some weird shape, I took them out of my pocket. Luckily, the pink wrapper had protected it by acting as a cushion. Heaving a sigh of relief, I had originally intended to put it back into my pocket, but then I heard someone exhale beside me. Looking at the source of the noise, I noticed Yukinoshita looking at the cookies. “Those are really beautiful…” She seemed to be looking at the cookies with much yearning as she said that. Those words that had suddenly slipped from her mouth made Yuigahama very surprised. However, she quickly leaned forward and replied,” Ah, yup! The bag and masute, I took a really long time to find them.” “Huh? Masute? Is that some greeting in India?” Yukinoshita pressed her fingers against her temple and said, “The greeting is namasute, and she’s talking about the masking tape.” “It’s a surprise you know so much pointless information about greetings despite not really doing many greetings of your own.” “Are you stupid? With the proper greeting, the atmosphere will quickly turn into that of friendly conversation. The set phrases for greetings are a must to know.” With that said, Yukinoshita looked tired and gave a bitter laugh. “Well, if it’s you, a greeting would probably count as a conversation too.” “Ah, true. That’s why I try to avoid greeting people.” “Hikki, are you really that bad at making small talk!?” Well, I can’t help it if my name’s “Hikki.” How true it is that a person’s name determines their behavior. Come to think of it, I had actually gotten used to Yuigahama calling me Hikki… If it was the past, I would have totally ignored the person calling me by such an embarrassing name… Maybe I would’ve even looked away blushing and objecting to that name calling in a small voice. Yeah, right, as if I have any memories of that sort. I had simply given up and accepted her way of addressing me from the very beginning. Masute, the abbreviation for masking tape, huh? Alright, I’ve remembered it, but I still don’t really know what kind of tape it is or how it is used. Come to think of it, Miss Yukinoshita, you seem to have quite a good grasp of youth’s terminology. What a surprise. I shifted my gaze to her while I was thinking of this. As though understanding my intentions, she smiled gently. “Masking tape. It is originally used for the sole purpose of sealing things. However, it has recently been used for decorations and design purposes.” “Yup! There are many cute ones too, it’s very mainstream! It’s commonly used for packaging or on notepads.” As I listened to Yuigahama’s explanation, I took another look at the bag. I see, it really is quite exquisite. The bag had been tied with just the right amount of golden string. Even the little dog paw prints on the bag made it look pretty cute. Altogether, it was a beautiful design. I continued to look at it. Yuigahama, who seemed uneasy, started to shift restlessly about. Her eyes kept darting about as well. “Well, about the taste… I don’t have much confidence, but I did my best.” With that, she looked at me with a determined look. Her serious eyes made it clear she was not joking. I gently caressed the bag of cookies. Without a trace of sarcasm, I replied, “…Yes, I am pretty sure of that.” This was something she had made with the best of her efforts. Although I didn’t know the taste because I hadn’t tasted it yet, this was something she had expended her best efforts on despite not being good at cooking. Thus, I know very well that she had indeed put her heart and soul into it. Hence, to the best of my abilities, I will tell her my feelings honestly, without any sort of deception or beautifying it. However, she seemed to know what I wanted to tell her. “Right? Hikki, didn’t you say that before? Something about ‘as long as one tries their best,’ or something like that.” Yuigahama laughed and puffed out her chest. She wagged her finger proudly as she did that. “…You still remember that?” It was a little surprising. She had a surprisingly good memory. Well, of course, I remembered it as well. What I said back then wasn’t a lie. I really did feel that way from the bottom of my heart, but it did make me a little embarrassed to have people tell me about what I had said in the past. I am one of those people who feels like dying each time I think about what I’d said in the past. However, it wasn’t only me who seemed embarrassed. “Well, that… instead of saying that I remember it, it’s more like I couldn’t possibly forget it. See, at the very beginning I was a little taken aback by those words, and so…” With yet another embarrassed laugh, she stretched her body slightly as though she was feeling uneasy. Hey, if you keep doing that, I will become uneasy too! I ended up joining her and laughing as well. When our eyes met, Yuigahama swiftly averted her gaze. “Well, Hikki’s always saying stuff like that. I have already gotten used to it.” Then, as though she was telling a joke, Yukinoshita laughed and added on, “Yes, he really betrays people’s expectations.” Yuigahama nodded her head vigorously in agreement to Yukinoshita’s words. “Yup yup.” Meh, I wished that they would keep those thoughts to themselves. I stared at Yukinoshita for a brief moment as I thought that, expressing my disapproval. “Regarding that, I don’t think I am the only one. Aren’t you the same too, Nanameshita-san?” “What is up with that barbaric name-calling…?” Yukinoshita raised her eyebrows in displeasure and stared at me with a sidelong glance. In contrast, Yuigahama’s eyebrows were lowered and seemed troubled. “Ah, right, that animal therapy at that time…” “Well, that included, I am not exactly sure whether or not she was above or below my expectations.” I scratched my cheeks gently, and nodded my head in agreement to the slightly embarrassed Yuigahama. At that time, our relationship was not that good, hence we didn’t say anything. However, now I would definitely ask, “what is that person doing?” Maybe Yuigahama thought the same way as well, for she was also nodding her head like she was thinking of something. “Well, how do I put it? I thought that she seemed really smart, but…” Whoops, here comes the disagreement. However, she had already said “but,” so what comes after must be something refuting the first. What Yuigahama intended to say was probably, “she just wanted to play with the kitten.” Anyway, not saying it out loud is also a form of kindness. If I were to relentlessly question her, she would surely counter me with a long rebuttal. Hence, I pushed the words I wanted to say back into my chest. However, Yuigahama seemed unable to hide it. Indeed, looking at her chest… of course she can’t hide it. “Well, Yukinoshita does have her moments.” Although Yuigahama said that to try and smooth the conversation over, she was met with Yukinoshita’s icy gaze. “Don’t you mean yourself?” “No, nothing like that. When we were playing big two, I was properly using my brain.” Yuigahama began her rebuttal amidst hesitation as she thought about past events. Her words once again brought up memories of that time when we were playing that dark game. “Really? I thought that you were just lucky back then.” “W-Why should it matter? Luck is also a measure of one’s true ability. It was my birthday on that day too, so having good luck was to be expected. Good things happened on that day too and I was quite happy.” Yuigahama, who had started off talking in high spirits, hung her head and lowered her voice as she went on. Please don’t say stuff that you will feel embarrassed about half-way through. When I thought about the present on that day, I wanted to die of embarrassment. Unconsciously, I lowered my head as well. All of a sudden, Yukinoshita started to mumble to herself, “So you were lucky because it was your birthday…” “Does it matter?! We won, and that’s good enough.” Yukinoshita tilted her head as she voiced her opinion. Meanwhile, Yuigahama seemed somewhat displeased and unhappy. Looking at them, I couldn’t help but laugh. It was just as Yuigahama said, no matter the process, it was enough as long as we won. This sort of positivity from her had always been the thing that saved me. Yukinoshita as well. Yukinoshita understood this too and smiled, then she brushed her shoulder-length hair and nodded her head in satisfaction. “Well… winning is a good thing after all.” “Here we go again, that ‘I hate losing’ attitude.” Without thinking, and with a bitter laugh, these words escaped my mouth. As soon as I said it, I was met with a stare from the wide eyed Yukinoshita. “You sound like you enjoy losing.” “Not really… I try my best to win every time.” Although that was what I said, the two of them didn’t seem to be listening seriously. In fact, Yuigahama sighed, as though agreeing with Yukinoshita. “Just like that time during tennis and judo…” “Now that you remind me, I do think it was a waste of effort on your part.” Yukinoshita seemed to have suddenly grown tired, or she was just out of words as she just sighed. Being seen in such a light, I was a little unhappy. Thus, I made the effort to correct them. “There was no such thing. My bones didn’t break,* it was just that my waist hurt during judo that time.” (*Hachiman misunderstanding Yukinoshita. Waste of effort = 骨折り損, and bone breaking = 骨折り) Hearing my reply, Yukinoshita suddenly became angry. “It was just a figure of speech. What do you mean by your waist hurt? Anyway, did you go to see a doctor? Waist pains may have long term effects. It could have negative effects in the future.” “What’s with that surprising amount of concern?! I-I too am very concerned as well.” Looking at Yukinoshita who had suddenly began asking about my waist, Yuigahama felt surprised, to the point where she interjected to show that she cared. Although I am very grateful for your concerns, it would be better if you had voiced them out when I was actually injured… Well, since they are now showing me their concern, I guess I should update them as well. “I did go, although it was just to an osteopathic clinic, but I did manage to get a formal excuse from gym class.” Looking at my smug look, Yuigahama said somewhat halfheartedly, “You did what?! To think I was still worried for you!” No, I am pretty sure you weren’t that worried back then… Probably from noticing my reproachful glance, Yuigahama quickly added, “But, those sort of idiotic activities were fun, the ones where everyone is involved.” “…Really?” I did agree with her on the idiotic part, but I was a little skeptical about it being fun because everyone was involved. Yuigahama puffed her chest and replied, “Yes, with Yumiko, Hina, Hayato-kun, Sai-chan, and Komachi-chan… It was fun playing with all of them. Like that time during summer break.” Yuigahama was now gazing off into the distance. Yukinoshita nodded her head at those words. “Rinkan School, right? Putting the issue of whether it was fun or not aside, it was indeed very lively… You haven’t forgotten her, have you?” I did a mental headcount of all those who went to Chiba village and started to remember. “There was still Hiratsuka-sensei… Well, she’s the teacher, so it would be hard to say we were all playing together.” “…But, I do think that she had fun.” It wasn’t as though I didn’t understand Yukinoshita’s feelings, who was now frowning. Ah, well, Hiratsuka-sensei always seemed to be quite happy… Tobe was there too. Screw that guy. It’s Tobe anyway. Tobe, I still remember your request very clearly, so please go rest in peace. Tobe probably heard from Hayama about all those strange things that I did. It would be great if I was the only one who remembered that. During that summer break, there were a great many things that left behind deep impressions. That bitterness accumulated like sediments, lurking about within my heart. I was unable to just ignore that person called Tsurumi Rumi, because she looked exactly like someone I know. Even though the concept of “everyone” was vague, there was a strong pressure to be in sync with everyone else. It was this pressure that nearly crushed her, or maybe I just felt that she shouldn’t be pressured. The outcome of that couldn’t be termed as good. However, she still held out her hand despite knowing everything was fake, and I still held the faintest of hope, a prayer-like wish for her. This was yet another thing that I hope only I would remember. But, regardless of how one thinks about an event, memories were something shared amongst those who had gone through the same experience. Hence, she would probably talk about something that she wished only she would remember as well. Raising her head to the sky, Yuigahama said, “The fireworks were fun too.” Looking at her, I couldn’t help but raise my head. There were no giant rings of light or golden showers of rain, just a pitch black night sky. “Fireworks, huh?” “You still remember?” “Well, although I didn’t do anything, that day was something I remember.” There was a slight teasing in Yuigahama’s voice. Thus, I shrugged my shoulders and replied in a self-depreciating manner. Having been through those events, we were able to treasure our shared memories. What followed were bouts of light laughter that turned into the shallow noises of soft breathing. Our breaths gradually faded away until everything was devoured by silence. Yukinoshita, as though trying to break the silence, inhaled deeply. “That summer break was about 40 days long, yet I only have memories of those few days…” “That’s probably how summer break is like. Before you know it, it’s already over… Come to think of it, we became really busy after that.” “A lot of things happened in the coming semester after that.” “Ah… Well, I blame the committee president for that…” Suddenly, I started thinking about that one person, and my tone quickly grew unpleasant. Yuigahama chewed her lips, looking a little troubled. “Hmm… No comment.” Ah! Yuigahama-san, you are too kind! Normally, at this moment, one would be like a judge who would jump up with much vigor and issue the death penalty! As I thought that, I noticed Yukinoshita shrugging her shoulders. It seems like Yukinoshita wants to voice her own opinion. Nice! Yukinoshita-san is not such a kind person! “It wasn’t just the fault of Sagami alone.” “Ah, her name, you said it…” “…You’re one to speak, I doubt you were going to say her name at all.” Yukinoshita placed her fingers to her temple and looked at me with a frown. I could only nod my head in an expression of “yes, yes.” I know, my bad. She lightly coughed before continuing, “At that time, it became the way it was because of various reasons.” Her way of saying it felt somewhat abstract, as well as a little broad. Then again, how else could one put it? Even so, we were still able to understand what she meant. There were factors like thoughtlessly pushing one’s expectations, or becoming stubborn to make it feel like it is not a good thing to simply push one’s request onto others, or maybe something like thinking that one has thought everything through, thus selfishly assuming people’s thoughts in their stead. However, in the process of going through these things over and over again, and learning a little more about each other, I now feel like we have acquired some new answers. These answers were probably a little different for each of us, but they were probably the same in the end. “Anyway, the schedule was way too packed.” Yuigahama and I nodded our heads. “True. Our school field trip was immediately after that camp.” “We were rather busy during that trip as well.” I didn’t dive further into the topic. However, Yuigahama and Yukinoshita did. “I always thought that we didn’t really have the spare time to go and do some leisurely sightseeing. I think we only went to Kiyomizudera? Then there was that place with the many bird’s nests? We didn’t get to eat many local specialties as well… But the trip to the movie village (Toei Uzumasa Eigamura) was really fun! The haunted house too!” “…I thought the haunted house would’ve been a most bothersome place.” In contrast to Yuigahama’s excitement, Yukinoshita appeared unmoved. Although we did indeed have different schedules because of us being in different classes, I didn’t think that Yukinoshita would ever enter a haunted house even if we were together. To be honest, I didn’t think she was good at that sort of thing! No, I’m absolutely not good with them, you know? “I think we more or less visited all the sightseeing spots. There was Ryuanji, Fushimi Inari, Toufukuji, Kitano Tenmangu, and so on… There were other places that I visited as well. As for food, we did have tofu and udon sukiyaki hotpot back at the inn. I also managed to go to a café that I had always wanted to go.” Yukinoshita seemed to be quite happy. …Ah ah. It was just as I thought, that café that you went to in that morning was due to your own interest. Well, the shop’s appearance was very fashionable, and the food was delicious too, so I don’t really have many complaints… As she was reminiscing, Yukinoshita seemed to have thought of something and added, “As well as the ramen…” “Ramen?” Yuigahama tilted her head, looking doubtful. Yukinoshita shut up immediately and I quickly said something to redirect the conversation. “Ah, there are a lot of famous shops in Kyoto. Places like Kitashirakawa and Ichijiyoji are super popular. If I had more spare time, I would love to go to those places too… Not to mention Takayasu, Tentenyu…” “Huh? What?” “Ah, nothing. Those were just the names of ramen shops that I wanted to visit, don’t mind me.” “O-oh, okay…” Now that I’ve finally gotten rid of Yuigahama’s suspicions, I decided to continue on with the previous conversational topic. “Well, after that was a huge bother as well. Shortly after we freed ourselves from Sagami’s issues, we had to deal with Isshiki’s.” “Ahaha… The student council election was really something.” Yuigahama let out a bitter laugh and Yukinoshita’s shoulders drooped a little. Watching her, I exhaled exaggeratedly. “After the elections, that Christmas event happened. Really, those were the hellish days of ‘logical,’ ‘magical,’ and ‘preach it…’” With a chuckle, Yukinoshita bit back with a vicious remark, “It was really hard understanding what that person was talking about… Then again, what you said just now was hard to comprehend as well.” Her back, which was hunched over a little while ago, was now upright. Yuigahama nudged her. “Well, we did get to go to Disneyland for free, and we had great fun there too! We also bought many Pan-san goods!” “…Well, I suppose that’s true. It wasn’t all that bad I guess.” Yuigahama let out a laugh and looked towards Yukinoshita. Yukinoshita looked away. It was heart-warming to see those two like this. Indeed, it wasn’t all that bad. I thought that the things that we did during those days were meaningful. Had we done our best to help and look out for Isshiki? Maybe not. Did we help Tsurumi Rumi end up at the right place? I don’t know. Needless to say, I had no idea why she said those things as well. But, at the very least, it was not all in vain. It was because of all these thoughts that we were able to live out this year in peace. I suppose it wasn’t only me, but also the two of them who were also holding on to this warmth. This was probably why Yuigahama could talk about all these past year memories with such calm. “I always felt that things really did go by in a flash. Is it because so many things happened in the past year…?” “I thought that it was really busy after the New Year as well… Especially since that’s when Komachi really began to prepare for her entry exams.” After the start of the new school term, it became very busy due to all the rumors and all the other things happening. The time where it was truly peaceful was during the brief period of the New Year. Hence, all I could really remember was that period during the start of the New Year. Whenever I thought about it, I couldn’t help but worry about the outcome of Komachi’s exam. My worries over the outcome of the examination results were probably plastered all over my face. Yukinoshita offered me some encouraging words. “It would be great if the shrine visit at the start of the New Year brought her some good luck.” “Uh? Oh, right. Yeah, I hope so…” I decided to change the mood of the conversation and added, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do anything even if I kept worrying about it.” Yuigahama nodded her head at those words, “Yes. How about this? Let’s celebrate her hard work when it all ends!” “Ah, sure. Let’s host a huge party to celebrate her passing of the examinations.” “…Okay.” “Let’s!” Although what I said hinges on the presumption that Komachi indeed passes, the two of them did nothing to point this out. They stood there smiling. I am really grateful for their words, and, so, I smiled as well. Then, Yuigahama’s mood grew a little solemn. “But, it will be our turn soon, huh?” “That’s right. At about this time next year, we would be taking our college entrance exams. Then after that…” As Yukinoshita rambled on, her gaze lowered gradually as well. We knew what she wanted to say even without her continuing. After the exams, it would be our graduation. “This year went by really fast…” As I said that, the reality of it all hit me a little harder than I expected. One year. The length of this period of time was nothing more than the summation of all the events that we had talked about previously. I think the two of them understood that as well. “This year is the fastest year that I had experienced so far.” Yukinoshita sighed heavily, and Yuigahama immediately replied. “I think so too! How should I put it? You know, it’s like what the adults like to say? How the feeling of time gets shorter as one grows older.” “Ah, well, it’s because of this, and that we were so constantly busy… The requests just kept coming in one by one, but I blame all that on Hiratsuka-sensei.” “When you put it that way, you make it sound like she’s the New Year Monster.” Yukinoshita laughed bitterly, to which Yuigahama and I expressed similar expressions too. Really, everything had happened because of things that one person had said. All of it was really not much of a big deal. They were probably things that she just happened to decide to push onto us. Now, all of it was coming to an end. Ultimately, I was always unable to reach a decisive conclusion, just some vague ones. Even so, I want to remove that vagueness; even if I’ll make a mistake, or even if I‘ll lose something, I’ve decided that I shall find my own answer, our answer. There would be no end to it if we keep thinking about the past; I could say as many things as you wanted me to about the past year. They would all be joyous and happy, things that would make one keep on laughing. If one needed to say something, it would be said, but if one didn’t, it would hidden. Yet, there wouldn’t be a single breath for what one truly wanted to say. Arbitrarily, intentionally not saying those things would also be proof that one cares about those things. Regarding this point, I think the three of us knew this all too well. Hence, our conversation came to a halt. The time that we had spent together was barely a year. In this one year, there were many memories. Whether we remembered them, or forgot about them, or even pretend to forget, it doesn’t matter. All this talk about the past will have to end one day. If we were to talk about the past until reaching the present, then conversation coming to a halt was unavoidable. Hence, what should follow should be about the future. Perhaps because we all knew this that all three of us made sighing noises, but no one spoke. The future was something that cannot be seen, cannot be known, cannot be understood, and cannot be gone against. There was no way of seeing it, or any way of knowing it. Despite it clearly being incomprehensible, there was no retreat once one proceeded on. In this moment of silence came the sound of a muffler rubbing against the clothes. “The snow seems to have stopped.” Yuigahama raised her head to look at the misty night sky as she said that to no one in particular. Yukinoshita did not reply to her, she merely gave off a smile that was like the moonlight piercing through the misty, cloudy night sky. She nodded, and then raised her head as well. I guess she was looking at the moon too. It has always been like this thus far. At the same place, looking at the same things, spending time together. However, I fear that the answers we would give would not be the same. It is our answers that we each absolutely believe to be unchanging. Hence, so as not to say it, we kept talking about other things like the weather, or the very sweet coffee, or maybe some other trivial memory. “It was snowing on the day I was born. So, Yukino… this name is really simple?” In this silent moment, Yukinoshita suddenly talked about her name. Watching her self-mocking smile, Yuigahama replied in a gentle voice, “…But, it’s a very beautiful and wonderful name.” Although I knew that Yuigahama wasn’t looking for any sort of approval for her comment, I nodded my head naturally. “…It is a good name.” Hearing my reply, Yuigahama blinked in surprise. Yukinoshita also opened her eyes wide in surprise. What’s with those reactions you two? It will only make me feel embarrassed. Thus, I averted my gaze. I raised the coffee to my mouth and took a small sip so as to disguise the awkwardness. I really did think that it was a good name, so it would be really strange for me now to go and deny what I had just said. There was also nothing else for me to do. The name Yukino suits her pretty well. Beautiful and transient, along with a ring of loneliness to it. What was unusual was that I didn’t associate her name with any form of coldness or frostiness. “…Thank you.” Hearing her soft words of thanks, I turned my gaze back and noticed Yukinoshita had lowered her head. Her hands were clasped tightly together on her skirt. Her smooth black hair was like a curtain that covered her face. Yet, one could see her blushing from a small gap in her hair. Yuigahama had probably noticed this bit as well. Her lips twitched a little and laughed softy. She probably heard her laughter because she coughed and raised her head before correcting her posture. “This was decided by my mother. Then again, this is just something that I had heard from my sister…” Her voice sounded calm from the very beginning, but it felt as though her voice had gradually faded off into the night sky at the end. Looking up, and then looking down once more, she let out a somewhat bitter laugh. At that instant, Yuigahama and I were at a loss for words. Should we just follow up on her words with anything we could think of? For example, “My name Hachiman is even more simplistic. My parents clearly were frustrated for a long time when trying to think of Komachi’s name, but my name was decided almost instantly.” Maybe something as random as that? Or maybe I should let Yuigahama do the talking. She will probably handle it better than me? However, both Yuigahama and I chose silence. We used the sound of our breathing in exchange for words to reply her. Yukinoshita’s mother, as well as Haruno-san… Regarding the relationship between them, we didn’t know much. Well, I didn’t know much about Yuigahama’s family relationship as well. Rather, I have absolutely zero idea. Furthermore, the two of them probably didn’t know much about my family either. What I didn’t know was something even more basic. I didn’t understand her or the both of them. Because I didn’t understand, I didn’t know the correct way to reply them. If it was a case of me utterly not knowing anything at all, I suppose this was excusable. It can’t be helped if someone says something strange because they don’t know the other person. It’s natural to expect one or two misunderstandings because they don’t know them, and it’s natural to not be concerned because they don’t know them. If troublesome matters were to come about, then just pretending that one doesn’t know would be good enough. After all, we really don’t. Yet, the understanding between us has reached a point where we can no longer ignore it. We can no longer pretend not to know. It would be completely shameless to pretend to ignore it at this point in time. In the end, I still did not know of the appropriate way to approach this relationship amongst the three of us. On the surface, all I did was go about exchanging banter with them, expressing agreement with their views, conversing about our own stories, and voicing some not-so-strongly worded suggestions. I could more or less do all of that. These were probably model answers. Anyone would have normally done these to the extreme as well. But, it was because we wanted to reject all of these things that we were here on this day. Unknowingly, my hands had begun gripping the coffee can with much more force. However, the metallic can wouldn’t be crushed flat just from that force alone. Thus, my fingertips started to shake, and sound of water could be heard. The fact that these soft noises could be heard was proof of just how quiet we are right now. Slowly, I raised the can to my mouth and shook it slightly to gauge how much was left. I made a decision. After drinking, I will speak. If it’s something I decided upon, I have to do it. It has always been this way. Although I might be dragged along, swallowed up, or pulled along, in the end, I must be the one to make the final judgment. This is my personality. Having strong judgement was not something worthy of praising. Rather, it was just second nature to me. There’s only yourself, hence you yourself must do everything. That’s what it means to be a loner. You could call me a utility player, but I definitely cannot do everything. In fact, there are many things that I am not good at. If you really wanted to know something that I was good at, that would be deceiving myself through persuading myself to give up. However, now was not the time to be deceiving myself. I have to be honest with myself. Frankly, I felt that I’ve always avoided thinking about the future. Running away didn’t seem quite an accurate description. But it was the closest word to it. You could also call it avoiding. But it was definitely not escaping. Even right now, I felt a little annoyed. In the end, I was not hoping for any sort of answer, solution, or conclusion. I was only hoping for things to somehow disappear. I was only waiting for all these difficult problems to somehow vanish into thin air. I fear that the three of us were probably subconsciously wishing for all of this to just disappear. That was what I had thought for my own convenience. Although it was quite arrogant of me to make this conjecture about their feelings, I felt that this wasn’t far from the truth. After all, the time that we had spent together was like a slumber, or you could call it one that seemed to slowly drag out. Yet, it was also a time that had its moments of ups and downs. However, I know that this would not come true. Yuigahama Yui had already tossed her question out into the open. Yukinoshita Yukino was already preparing to answer it. If so, what should Hikigaya Hachiman do? The past me would surely have laughed at this dull situation. The future me would surely not allow this conclusion that couldn’t even be called an answer. However, the present me does not know the correct thing to do, but felt that this situation wasn’t right in any case. If so, then what I should do would be to try my best to right this wrong. What I should be doing is to speak. After drinking the last bit of coffee that had already gone cold, I began to speak. At the very beginning, nothing but the sound of me panting came out. Then, the sound of slight moaning as I thought about what words to use. Finally, I said something somewhat decent. “…Yukinoshita, can I hear it? The things that you want to say.” I wonder what I was trying to tell her through those words. The parts that I wanted to hear about were not conveyed clearly at all. However, this should be more than enough for the both of them. The sentence had no head or tail, as well as no trivial bits. However, it is still possible for it to be the start of something. At the very least, this sentence conveyed the idea of the want for a conversation as well as advancing this relationship, which was now at a standstill. Yuigahama inhaled lightly and stared at me. Her gaze seemed to be asking about my resolve. However, Yukinoshita’s body seemed to stiffen and she lowered her head. “…Do you really want to continue listening?” Her hesitation could be felt through her reserved tone. The glance that she sneaked at both me and Yuigahama seemed a little weak, and hesitant. Yukinoshita’s question. No, I wasn’t even sure if it was a question. What she said was not directed at me. To settle this, I coughed a little, and looked at her for confirmation. Yukinoshita looked somewhat troubled, dropped her eyebrows, and became silent. Like me, she was probably searching for the right words. As though wanting to give Yukinoshita some support, Yuigahama sat by her side and touched her hand. “I have always felt that… it is right to keep on waiting. Up till now, even if it’s a little by little, you have told us a lot of things.” Yuigahama leaned her head on Yukinoshita’s shoulders. I wondered what color those eyes were that were hidden behind her closed eyelids. I did not know. However, the stiffness of Yukinoshita’s body slowly began to relax, just like ice gradually thawing. This was either due to Yuigahama behaving like a puppy wanting treats, or because of the warmth that she gave her. Her fists that had been tightly clenched and placed on her skirt began to loosen up as well. She reached out to hold Yuigahama’s hand. She held both hands as though trying to confirm each other’s warmth, and then slowly began to speak. “Yuigahama-san, you once asked me what I wanted to do, right…? However, I myself still don’t quite understand yet.” I always thought that Yukinoshita’s voice was somewhat entrancing, like a small kid who doesn’t know how to speak. I probably had a similar expression too, like that of a small kid who didn’t know where to go as I listened to her quietly. Yuigahama looked down, seemingly hurt. Yukinoshita noticed this as well, and as though being mindful of her, or maybe encouraging her, tried her best to be cheerful and smiled gently. “But you know, in the past, I too had things I want to do… things that I wanted to do.” “…Things that you wanted to do?” Yuigahama was probably somewhat surprised, for she repeated Yukinoshita’s words. Yukinoshita nodded her head proudly. “My father’s work.” “Ah… but that’s…” Now that she mentioned it, I remembered as well. I had once heard that Yukinoshita’s father was a member of the diet, and, in the past, had ran a construction company. These were something that Haruno-san had once told me. As I tried to think of something to say as I recalled these vague recollections, Yukinoshita spoke first. “Yes. But, because my sister exists… that decision is not mine. It’s always been my mother’s.” Yukinoshita’s voice had grown a little cold. She was looking into the distance, as though staring at something there. Watching her like this, we didn’t say anything at all. There was a saying that when one talks about their memories, they would look off into the distance. Yukinoshita was now looking up at the sky, and I followed her gaze. I didn’t know if it was the wind from the sky, but the clouds that were soft like candy floss kept on drifting, and the clouds that were bathed in moonlight kept on changing their shapes. It seems like I didn’t have to worry about this weather. The clouds that would make snow fall seemed to have already drifted far away. Maybe we could even see a few stars. The light from the stars came from sources that were tens of light years away from us. The light was vague in the sense that, even in this instant, we had no way of knowing whether it really existed right now. Because of this, it looked all the more beautiful. Something unobtainable, or maybe something that was about to disappear, is the most beautiful. Because I knew this, I was unable to extend both my hands. Surely, in the instant that I touch it, its color would fade and rot. I knew too, that for a person like me, that was not something that I could grasp a hold of. Yukinoshita, who was describing her wishes in the past tense, as well as Yuigahama who was listening to her, was surely aware of all this. “From the very beginning, my mother had decided everything. She has my sister tied down, yet she gives me complete freedom. Hence, that is why I keep following in my sister’s footsteps, because I do not know how to act…” From her murmurs, I could feel a tinge of nostalgia and regret. Looking at her side profile, her gaze looked somewhat lonely and sorrowful. “…Even until now, I still don’t know anything… Really, it’s just like what my sister says.” As she softly spoke those words, her focus had shifted from afar to looking at her feet. Motionlessly, as if trying to ascertain if she was unable to move, she gazed at the tips of her beautiful boots. All of these quiet murmurs from her rendered us unable to speak. Yukinoshita had probably noticed this painful silence, so she raised her head and smiled. “This is the first time someone has listened to me about this.” I was attracted to that smile. I let out a somewhat relieved sigh from my dry lips, and replied. “Have you not told anyone else?” “I think that I might’ve talked about this a little to my parents…” She seemed to be thinking hard as she said that. That was probably something that she did a very long time ago. Yukinoshita continued to try her best to recall, but in the end, she shook her head. “However, they’ve probably never taken me seriously with regards to these matters. They did tell me that I shouldn’t worry about all this however… After all, the heir to the family’s business has probably already been decided to be my sister.” “Have you said anything to Haruno-san?” “…I think not.” Hearing Yuigahama’s question, Yukinoshita put her hands to her chin and thought about it for a while and gave a bitter laugh. “That person, has that sort of personality after all.” “Ah, true…” Be it from her sister, Yukinoshita, or from her childhood friend, Hayama, as long as the topic is about something like the future, or love, or dreams, or hopes, Yukinoshita Haruno was not someone especially suited for conversations of this sort. If it was someone that she had utterly no relation with, perhaps she could put on a sincere face and give a suggestion that fitted the current cultural norm. She would not only be able to give a good reply, but also let the other party agree with her view and make the other party very satisfied. For that person, doing this should be easy for her. However, if the party was someone close to her, she would take an entirely different approach. She would not only laugh and tease you, but would even continue to treat you as her toy and bully you despite the problem being long resolved. This was something that Hayama Hayato had said some time ago. He and she had probably experienced something like that as well. Hence, this was why Yukinoshita had never once talked to Haruno-san about it. Well, I wouldn’t purposely discuss my future plans with my own family. I don’t know if this was lucky or unlucky, but up until this point in time, I have never faced any major decisions that far exceeded my area of discretion. But, it was because of this that when I heard about problems relating to family, I didn’t feel any sense of being able to relate to her. If my family was running some sort of business as well, then perhaps I could sympathize with her a little. Unfortunately, my family was the typical salaryman family, so her conversational topic seemed a little far from what I could relate to. This was probably true for Yuigahama as well. She had lowered her head, looking as though she didn’t quite understand. Yukinoshita didn’t seem to mind our reactions and continued on. “However, I should tell her properly. Even if it’s possible, it won’t come true in the end… But, it’s probably because I am afraid of that answer that will set everything in stone that I am always unable to seek confirmation.” Yukinoshita’s voice carried with it a tone of nostalgia. Perhaps this was regret on her part. No matter what, the past was something that cannot be changed. Yet, her eyes were still looking head on. Right in front of her, were Yuigahama and I. “That’s why, I should start seeking my confirmation from there… I want to decide it by my own volition, not because of anyone’s words, but because I want to think it through properly, to understand… to want to give up.” Her light breathing sounds were accompanied by a silent smile. Through her calm voice, Yukinoshita had said it. That she wanted to give up. In Yukinoshita’s heart, she had probably been very sure about it. Yet, that line of thought had never received any sort of confirmation, hence it kept going through her mind. If one doesn’t open the box, one would never know. Before that time comes, before the moment of observation, the result is not yet determined. Be that as it may be, but if the observer had always been understanding and accepting of that, then the end result matters not. At the very end, the result will not change. “I only have one request… I want to ask you to see it through to the very end. That much will be fine.” Yukinoshita took a hold of her scarf and closed her eyes. She didn’t look like she was trying to tolerate the surrounding cold, but rather trying to correct the position of her scarf. Haltingly, but with much care, she had said each and every word just now as though she was swearing an oath in front of a god. “That is… Yukinon’s answer?” Yuigahama said that in between bouts of hesitation. Although this appeared to be a question, Yuigahama had lowered her gaze, and was not looking at Yukinoshita. However, Yukinoshita continued looking directly at Yuigahama. “I suppose, but it could be wrong…” Yukinoshita put up a seemingly wry smile, and softly held Yuigahama’s hand. Yuigahama raised her head. “In that case…” When she was in the middle of her sentence, her eyes met with Yukinoshita’s, and it was at this time that her words got cut along with the contents of what she wanted to say. I also lost my voice, maybe because I forgot to breathe. Yukinoshita’s smile was beautiful. Her long, seemingly-combed black hair flowed gently, revealing her white, slender face; her crystal-clear eyes captured me. Her gaze was without tremor or doubt as she fixated on us. I thought there wasn’t even one lie behind those deep, blue colored eyes that seemed to suck me in. “However, I… I still want to prove to everyone the things that I am capable of doing. I feel that this is the only way things can really begin.” Not only did her words contain no hesitation, even her tightly gripping hands, her fixated gaze, and her upright posture contained no hints of doubt. “Truly… begin…” Yuigahama’s face seemed fired up as she said that softly. Yukinoshita nodded her head in confirmation. “Yes. I need to go back to my parent’s house and properly discuss it.” “…So this is your answer.” The way I said it made it sound like it wasn’t a question at all. This sort of sentence that didn’t address anyone was no different from a monologue. However, this softly spoken sentence reached Yukinoshita’s ears. She placed her fists lightly on her knees and gently spoke. “I never gave up on it no matter how much time has passed… That’s why I believe these are my true feelings… I think there’s no mistaking it.” As she finished, Yukinoshita sent me a fleeting glance. I could understand parts of what she said, but those were probably the parts that I could relate to. If something were to not change no matter how much time passes, and if it didn’t fade away no matter how long it was cast aside, then I would have no reluctance in calling that genuine. This was different from those false feelings that would vanish after waiting for so long that you end up parting from them. If something does not disappear despite turning your face away, or averting your eyes from it, or pretending not to see it, or being forgotten, then it shouldn’t be wrong to call it a genuine desire. If this was the end that she wished for, then I have nothing to say. There was only one point that I was fussing over. Yukinoshita should proceed on her own, and decide on her own. She shouldn’t decide based on someone else’s intentions, expectations, peer pressure, situation, or mood. Even if she were to destroy something, that wouldn’t be a good reason to rob her of her value or dignity. What I wish for aren’t her words that are meant to answer someone’s request, but ones that come from her heart. “Wouldn’t it be fine? Giving it a try.” I said that as I lightly nodded my head in response to her gaze that seemed somewhat lacking in self-confidence. Hearing my words, Yukinoshita touched her chest, somewhat relieved. “Okay… I’ll do it because I think that also counts as an answer.” Yuigahama, who was silently looking at Yukinoshita’s face from the side, quickly removed her gaze and stared down at her feet. Then, as though making sure of something, Yukinoshita slowly nodded her head a few times. “Thank you.” Yukinoshita quietly muttered that as she drooped her head. I couldn’t tell what kind of expression she wore because of this. I’m afraid that I would likely never know. Even if I were to see it, I surely would have immediately forgotten it. That’s because Yukinoshita’s expression was extremely bright when she raised her face once more. Without giving me or Yuigahama a chance to say anything else, she quickly stood up. “We should be on our way. It’s beginning to get cold.” Saying that, Yukinoshita took a step forward. Her destination was probably the exit of this park, and the room where she resided in. Yukinoshita looked over towards us who had still not moved. Her flowing black hair, fluttering skirt, swaying muffler, and upright figure were so beautiful that I hesitated to approach her. But, I had already promised that I would see it through to the end. Thus, I began to walk in her direction. I hoped to myself that at least her words held some truth, even if I ended up regretting it.

#oregairu #yahari ore no seishun love come wa machigatteiru #oregairu volume 12 #my romantic comedy is wrong as i expected

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afilitaria · 7 years ago

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Could you please tell us more about your eo characters? They seem delightfully interesting ^^

I have homework to do so no doodles this time around but thank you for the distraction ehe

Which ones? To be honest I have way too many . _ . I love all of them and I’m ashamed of being bias to Snow ehehehe~ I’ll put down some of my faves here then; not everyone is here because that would take forever… hello wall of text

(Also, the writing tone is super inconsistent, whoops! Feel free to correct inconsistencies or offer suggestions, since these aren’t set in stone right now~)

Snow (EO3/EO2U/EMD): Runaway prince, prefers the title of Strategist rather than a Sovereign (I mean, it’s basically what he does? And he’s not -really- a Sovereign anymore). He’s naive and trusting to anything that seems amiable (”How was I supposed to see the guy’s face?! Am I the only one without x-ray vision in this party?!”) but will kick your ass in a game of chess or tactical warfare. He’s also sometimes a total wisecrack, like during the Ginnungagap third floor; he summarizes it as “So we’re not the chosen ones, but since you’re desperate, you’ll take anyone at this point?”

Also hands down abuses Proof of Nobility in EO2U early game just so the guild doesn’t have to spend money on inns, but would spend 420k en on a bow. “We’re so broke” - Snow Afilitaria Aurelis 2k17

I see EO3 as the prequel story to the EO2U arc, which is his adventures in Armoroad after leaving Afilitaria and before being reunited with the Aurelis brothers and Eden, who at the time are in the EOU arc.

EMD, uh, it’s full of crack headcanons on my end because in my entire guild roster, only he, Alexander, Akihiro and Yukimura make it there (Aki being the blue haired Wanderer). So, after the events of EO2U, Snow wanted to go travelling with only Alexander, but the Mizuharus stow away on the boat ride to Aslarga because they figured it’d get boring in H.Lagaard. That’s EMD for me. Yup.

Alexander (EOU/EO2U/EMD): Snow’s royal guard and protector, the only one he accepted. Personality varies; early on in the story, he is very lighthearted, cracking jokes and puns (*cough Punvoke cough*), but as time goes on and he loses Snow for the nth time, he gradually becomes more and more serious, scared of how closer and closer Snow gets to death every time, to the point of becoming overprotective.

Anyway. The family of Aurelis was a powerful force in service to the Afilitaria noble family, and Alexander lived a carefree life, with the role of heir delegated to Orlandeau, the eldest. However, one day at the age of 13, their parents and servants were one day all assassinated, with the three children as the only survivors as Snow hurriedly sent forces to come to their aid. Seeing how they now had nothing but their lives, Snow took them in, and Alexander felt indebted to him and vowed to serve him for the rest of his life, in lieu of Orlandeau’s original duty, and he trained to be a knight.The story goes about as smoothly as you expect (not at all?), and Snow, being only 9 years old running a country on his ill parents’ behalf, constantly breaks down in stress when no one is watching. Alexander is the only one to notice and lend his shoulder for him to cry on, and well… I think you could guess the rest.

Hm? Why is Snow’s story summarized in Alexander’s section? Because Snow is a comic relief character. It wouldn’t feel right to put anything serious in his bio.

Orlandeau (EOU/EO2U): Anti-social, quiet, jargon spouting Orlandeau is generally regarded as a mad scientist by the Alchemist Union of H.Lagaard, but he does a lot for them; developing new technology and medicine with the help of Zero and Eden.

Certain teams in said Union despise him however; in the past, he was in said team in the efforts to create homunculi, the perfect, superior life form. However, the project was largely abandoned and the team moved onto researching means to strengthening already existing life; however, Orlandeau refused to give up, taking copies of all of the team’s research and using it to create Zero; who was, by no means perfect, but something of an improvement; he made the mistake of using his own genes and as a result, Zero is slightly physically frail, though his magic power is beyond even his own.

Zero (EO2U): I think you guys know about Zero; Orlandeau’s homunculi who developed a fascination with the War Magus Union. It took him a while to be accepted in there, seeing how he is an artificial life form, but in the end, they saw it as a means to end the sort of rivalry between the Alchemist and War Magus Associations, and work together.He’s a bright, bubbly, cheerful guy despite his looks, and is known as Doctor Zero to most, as he often volunteers in the hospital whenever needed with Eden.

Unfortunately, with these two, I’m not sure what else to say that I hadn’t covered already in a previous ask!

Vessalius (EOU/EO2U): Vessalius, like his eldest brother, is not so much a talker, but he is at least capable of holding decent conversation. He can be quite distant and hesitant to get close to others due to the trauma of losing his family.

He was the one whom took the news of their parents’ assassination the hardest, being only 10 at the time. Unlike Orlandeau, who regarded the event with calm, almost inhumane realism, and Alexander, who drowned his sorrows in favor of helping the one who saved them, he burned with the desire to exact vengeance on the people who ruined their life. He grew to be an assassin, learning thieves’ cant and slowly inching his way into their underground society, where he eliminated them one by one.

Then, with that done, what was left of his life? Snow was against his becoming an assassin in the first place even though Vess assured him he would not lay a hand on any innocents; Snow was still convinced nothing good would come of it and could not allow Vessalius to continue living in the castle if he wanted to continue this path. Safety precautions, plus Snow’s outlook for the country was of peace, not a stack of power-plays twisting into politics- thus, Vess left, and after his mission was finished at the age of 16, he abandoned his job as assassin and sought to become a survivalist. He settled for a while in a quaint little town and befriended the local medic, a fellow named Eden; who was being worked to death.

Eden (EOU/EO2U): Life Medic who loathes to hurt… though that changes during the events of EO2U, where he realizes he could be helping the team fend off their opponents, and thus, hello level 20 Medical Rod and Heavy Strike. He is generally cheerful, though clumsy and airheaded, but can recite ingredients for various types of vulneraries off the top of his head.

I mentioned before that Eden tires easily. He eats and sleeps a lot, and burns enough energy while adventuring to metabolize; but for the most part, the unnatural energy intake is due to the life energy that overflows in him.As a child, he never knew his parents; his mother died giving birth to him and his father completely unknown. He was raised at an orphanage, where his talent for healing was quickly recognized and taken advantage of. He spent many days and nights working, treating the endless stream of warriors who came to exchange coin for healing. He was willing to do this- though he received very little of the money, he believed this was at least what he owed to the people who raised him.

Let me reiterate that he was being worked to death. The survivalist Vessalius saw this and tried to convince him to stop, but he refused, and in another stroke of MoralityFail.exe, Vessalius kidnapped him and took him to Afilitaria, where he begged Snow to take them in. Eden wasn’t happy about this. It takes a good few years for him to forgive Vess.

The overflow of life energy is a result of his childhood spent tirelessly treating people; his body is so used to exerting so much magic that he grew to always generate far too much.

Valens (EO2U): Actual prince, Snow’s little brother and current Sovereign of Afilitaria. Due to in-country riot, he’s had to hide for an undefined set of time and the signal to return still hasn’t come. Asking Guild Aurelis to take him in may not have been the best idea, but at least not many people know who he is in H.Lagaard. He’s a bit of a brat and snarky as hell, and rules with an iron fist (which explains his country’s dismay, but he actually does a good job at keeping order.)

He hates Alexander with a burning passion and is always picking fights with him. Alexander is too happy to fight back, resulting in many bullet holes in his armor and slashes in Clover’s. Snow and Clover, while they both agree this rivalry is pointless, can’t really stop it at the moment.

Clover (EO2U): Gunner with no magical or physical prowess, but would probably attempt to disassemble a Yggdroid for analysis if he saw one. Would he succeed? Who knows.

He is Valens’ only royal guard because no one else would do it. He cares for Valens, to the point of aggressively going trigger happy on his assailants, but also understands the error of his ways and constantly tries to steer his direction into a less tyrannical and more peaceful rule. He is always very, very tired, drinks a lot of coffee (to the point of begging Regina to teach him how to make H.Lagaard Coffee out of Labyrinth materials) and is generally a calm and mellow person. Some exceptions apply on that last note.

Kiel (EOU/EO2U): The Hexer who swears too much in Latin (or the equivalent of thereof). I previously said he was a memelord, but unfortunately, memes don’t exist during the time period of EO2U, so in reality, he just has a personality that would translate to a memester in a Modern AU or something; loud, boisterous and mischievous.

He’s bound to Caeli by contract and has ownership of his soul in return for his magic power, but has yet to actually force control over him, if ever. He just appreciates Caeli’s company and probably just has the contract in effect so Caeli is capable of magical bardsong. Unfortunately this means they can’t be apart any more than a hundred meters or so, but Kiel probably enjoys this.He’s also really bad with names. He frequently calls Ginnungagap “Gingersnap”.

Caeli (EOU/EO2U): Also not really a memeadour due to timeline constraints. He just has the personality of one, though unlike Kiel, is a bit more mild and gentle about it.

So, did anyone notice the elven ears in the last drawing? Caeli is from a distant land where elves are hidden from normal society and prized as a slave commodity to humans. He was/is very good at singing and was kidnapped by adventurers who then sold him to a noble house that kept him caged up and forced him to play music for them. His magic power was sapped from him as they knew he would use it to escape, and thus Kiel, who was undertaking some sort of witch’s rite (which involved cursing/hexing those deemed fit to be punished), came to the castle and heard his beautiful, yet hauntingly sad song, and decided to set him free, soon after which the two fled to Etria.

Akihiro (EOU/EO2U/EMD): In which the second EOU/EO2U Ronin and male EMD Wanderer are all the same person. The rope ribbon’s under the kasa, apparently. He is the most undisciplined warrior you will ever meet, which translates to min-maxing the hell out of his stats whenever possible (high str and agi, but def and vit don’t exist, what is Clear Stance?).

He was a Ronin that was second son of some Lord Mizuharu, from the Orient, and got disowned for bringing shame to the family time and time again. It’s because of this he set out to regain his honor, but his small understanding of the common language and his weak constitution weighed him down greatly, not to mention his abhorrent sense of direction. He ended up joining Aurelis during events of EOU, and accompanying them to EMD, where he picked up the class of Wanderer. He is proud of the great feat of scaling Muspelheim from start to finish by himself with only a bag full of sigils and bread. No one knows why he bothered to do it. Yukimura still mourns the loss of their supplies.

(You know, I was awfully close to making Akihiro in EO3 as a Shogun, were it not for deciding to instead make Natsume. He was so close to being everywhere.)

Yukimura (EO3/EMD): The first son of Lord Mizuharu, Akihiro’s brother, and a ninja. He has a very prickly personality and constantly scolds Akihiro for his lack of discipline. He does care for his younger brother though, and to this day, Akihiro still doesn’t know how much Yukimura has defended him from their parents’ ire. (He’ll never admit it.)

The events of EO3 has him travelling with the intent of finding his younger brother, knowing that if there’s one way he has to go about this, it’d be “go adventure all over the globe and hope you run into him, because chances are he’s doing the same thing.” Instead, he finds his long lost rival Natsume. “I’m surrounded by idiots.” - Yukimura Mizuharu 2k17

Natsume (EO3): Shogun, of the Ishikawa family. There’s a really weird love/hate relationship between him and Yukimura. He’s a complete and utter tease toward him, calling him the unauthorized nickname Yuki, much to his embarassment. He follows the EO3 crew around under the pretense to his family that it would be beneficial of them to have alliances with Mizuharu, Pendragon, Auditorre and Afilitaria, but that’s all lies; he just wants to get out of his duties and adventure.

He’s a smooth talker and constantly hits on Yukimura, who just jabs coldly back at him, though it’s pretty clear that said ninja doesn’t appreciate him flirting with other people either (that revelation came with a good concussion, courtesy of Snow). But, is he jealous or does Natsume just piss him off? Who knows.

Lyrald (EO3): Originally a cleric, he was the bastard son of a king from a distant land, and sought to gain his acceptance. After a mission to apprehend a drug-cartel gone wrong, he ends up framed for the crime and has to flee the country, knowing now he can never return, and is aided by a Ronin- who despite his lack of sense of direction, proved more than able to cut down their assailants. He learned basic martial and protective arts from the man and intended to follow him, but the two were separated after he elected to distract their pursuers for Lyrald to escape.

He doesn’t even know his name. Which results in many offhand allusions to Yukimura and him unwittingly describing the same person.He joins Snow and Yukimura, who both recognize him and are no fool to believe the media’s lies- later joined by Galahad, Edmund and Natsume.

Galahad (EO3): Zodiac scholar, the son of noble house Pendragon from a distant land. He’s travelling for no other reason to expand his knowledge, though his family insists he do it for their name (after all, they wanted him to be a knight, but instead he pursued magic arts and they didn’t even complain that much; it’s the least he can do). He’s very quiet and arrogant, often refusing to have level conversation to those who he deems not intelligent enough (and sassing those who are; Orlandeau being a case in point).

Edmund (EO3): Hoplite, Galahad’s assigned guardian during his pilgrimage. He actually does most of the talking on behalf of his liege and is quite friendly.Edmund is something like an adopted brother to Galahad, taken in by his father, and would gladly do any mission issued by him.

Lugh (EOIV): Sniper and head of the guild’s Tharsis branch. Honestly useless af in a fight, but designs everyone’s clothes (and I mean every member from every branch’s redesigns) and calls all the shots. It me.

Varil (EOIV): Smol Medic. He’s 150% of Lugh’s self-restraint and will Caduceus him to the floor when his fudanshi-mode activates. Their origin is largely unknown and they will tear the third wall a new one.

(That ended up wayyy too long that’s like 2k+ words what the heck; anyway, thanks for the interest, Anon!)

#i'll answer the other asks as well dw!!#just.. not now... need to do homework... orz #etrian odyssey #eo2u #eo3 #Anonymous #guild aurelis

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douchebagbrainwaves · 7 years ago

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WHAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ABOUT INEQUALITY

How would you like a job where you never got to make anything, but instead spent all your time listening to other people pitch mostly terrible projects, deciding whether to fund them, and the third empirically false. If you take funding at a premoney valuation of $10 million.1 Especially if you have competitors who get to work full-time. Grad students are just the age, and just the sort of person who would like to solve the money problem once and for all instead of working for a salary for 40 years, then a VC fund can only do about 2 series A deals per partner per year.2 And in particular, the rich have gotten a lot richer. In high school I made money by mowing lawns and scooping ice cream at Baskin-Robbins. Perhaps great hackers can load a large amount of context into their head, so that when they maltreat one startup, they're preventing 10 others from happening, but they pay more because the company is basically treading water.3 For example, many startups in America begin in places where it's not really legal to run a startup are prone to wicked cases of buyer's remorse.4

We know the current trajectory ends badly.5 If so, could they actually get things done? But such advice and connections can come very expensive. And regardless of the case with CEOs, it's hard to repeat a brilliant performance, but it's even more important early on, any more than it matters to the winner of a marathon how many runners are behind him. That's the difference between a startup and stay in grad school, in the sense of making more things people want. Whereas if investors seem hot, you can, even if he was content to limit himself to talking to the press, but what happens in a series A round, before the VCs invest they make the company his full-time job. Materially and socially, technology seems to be able to brag that he was an investor.

But I think they fail because they select for the wrong people. Engineers will work on sexy projects like fighter planes and moon rockets for ordinary salaries, but more mundane technologies like light bulbs or semiconductors have to be a board member to give.6 These qualities might seem incompatible, but they're not willing to let you work so hard that you endanger your health. So people who come to work in the end, or a lot of the problems they face are the same, from dealing with investors.7 If you take funding at a reasonable valuation; the giant company finally gave us a lot more on its design.8 If you get a termsheet. There are no meetings or, God forbid, corporate retreats or team-building exercises.9 Only if it's fun. But fortunately in the US this is another rule that isn't very strictly enforced.

We started Viaweb with $10,000 in capital to incorporate. What we're seeing now, everyone's probably going to be averaged with. The whole shape of deals is changing. When you work on making technology easier to use, you're riding that curve up instead of down. That one is easy: don't hire too fast. A job means doing something people want. Reward is always proportionate to reward. Among other things, incubators usually make you work in their space, you were supposed to use their office staff, lawyers, accountants, and so on.

Most investors, unable to judge startups for themselves, you're more likely to double your sales. Julian. The toolmakers would have users, but they'd only be the company's own developers. The other place you could beat the US would be with smarter immigration policy. But I have no tricks for dealing with this world for many years, both as a founder that most VCs will only invest in you if you're a university president and you decide to focus on first, we try to figure that out. I can think of who don't work for Sun, on Java, I know of one startup that got from an angel investor what amounted to a five hundred pound handshake: after deciding to invest, the angel investors are probably the more critical ingredient in creating a silicon valley? They're not going to move to your silicon valley like to get around by train, bicycle, and on terms that will make it cheap enough to sell in large volumes, and the noise stops. If you took ten people at random out of the way so the founders can use that time to build or finish building something impressive.

I propose the following solution: instead of sticking your head in someone's office and checking out an idea with them, like microprocessors, power plants, or passenger aircraft. But it's also because money is not just a good way to run a startup are prone to wicked cases of buyer's remorse. And so they can get it.10 I wish I could say they were, but the main cause of the second big change, industrialization. A investments they can do a deal with you just to lock you up while they decide if they really want to. I said before, is a dangerously misleading example. Probably because the product is not appealing enough. The Lever of Technology Will technology increase the gap in income, whether by stealing private fortunes, as feudal rulers used to do, but that the work they're given is pointless, and they all basically said Cambridge followed by a long pause while they tried to think of deal flow, and that it therefore mattered far more which startups you picked than how much they get paid for it. The angel deal takes two weeks to close, and once founders realize that, it's going to stop. I know of zero. The kids see to that.

When the city is turning off your water because you can't pay the bill, it doesn't make any difference what Larry Page's net worth is compared to yours. You can come along at any point and make something better, and users will gradually seep over to you. One is that investors will increasingly be unable to wait for startups to exist. Plus you can't get an H1B visa, the type usually issued to programmers. They think that there is a sharp difference between VCs and super-angels or the VCs? Investors have no idea that when they maltreat one startup, they're preventing 10 others from happening, but they are an important fraction, because they might end up looking like this, it's unlikely that the VCs would keep the existing numbers of shares. And since a startup that succeeds ordinarily makes its founders rich, that implies getting rich is enough motivation to keep founders at work. In those days you could go public too. What most businesses really do is make wealth. He'd also just arrived from Canada, and had just hired a very experienced NT developer to be their chief technical officer. Those hours after the phone stops ringing are by far the biggest killer of startups that raise money. Almost by definition, if a startup succeeds its founders become rich.

VCs whose lot in life is to fund more dubious startups than with the top firms. Founders get less diluted, and it is now common for them to retain board control as well. We'll find out this winter. And funding delays are a big distraction for founders, who ought to be considered from the start. Despite their name, the super-angel gets 10x in one year, that's a higher rate of return, the VC would have to get it from someone else. It's possible to buy expensive, handmade cars that cost hundreds of thousands than millions.11 I asked if they'd still be interested in the startup funding business is now in what could, at least, nothing good. Investors collude. This way you might be able to stay on as CEO, they'll have to cede some power, because the next best deal will be almost entirely about money. On the day of the race, most of which fail, and one outside person acceptable to both. Economic inequality is sufficiently far from identical with the various problems that have it as a business, rather than linear.12

Notes

There are some good ideas buried in Bubble thinking. 05 15, the only reason I did the section of the definition of property is driven mostly by technological progress aren't sharply differentiated. It rarely arises, and not fixing them fast enough, but one by one they die and their hands thus tended to be employees, or can launch during YC is involved to ensure startups are now the founder visa in a safe will be out of the year, he found himself concealing from his predecessors was a kid who had small corpora. So as an employee as this.

The revenue estimate is based on that. I've become a genuine addict.

They may not even in their IPO filing. The second alone yields someone flighty.

The founders who take the line that philosophy is nonsense. Geshke and Warnock only founded Adobe because Xerox ignored them.

The company may not have gotten the royal raspberry. Though they were supposed to be started in Mississippi. Just use the wrong side of their predecessors and said in effect why can't you be more like a later investor trying to hide wealth from the Dutch not to: if you have significant expenses other than salaries that you decide the price of an ordinary adult slave seems to be good.

For similar reasons, including principal and venture partner. Indifference, mainly. A scientist isn't committed to is following the evidence wherever it leads.

Source: Nielsen Media Research. In principle you might see something like the outdoors, was one of the Industrial Revolution happen earlier? Gauss was supposedly asked this when comparing techniques for discouraging stupid comments have yet to find may be because the illiquidity of progress puts them at the time it still seems to pass so slowly for them.

So where do we push founders to have more options. The top VCs thus have a moral obligation to respond with extreme countermeasures. They accepted the article, but those are probably not quite as harmless as we think.

Oddly enough, even if it's the right thing to be vigorously enforced.

And yet if he were a first approximation, it's a problem if you'll never need to get elected with a slight disadvantage, but essentially a startup, as far as I make this miracle happen? Which is why so many people's eyes.

Maybe at first had two parts: the resources they expend on you after the first wave of hostile takeovers in the 1920s.

Give the founders: agree with them.

Thanks to Trevor Blackwell, and Geoff Ralston for putting up with me.

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anxiety-trademark · 4 years ago

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The week in review:

Raw 11/23 NXT 11/25 NXT UK 11/26 Smackdown 11/27

Raw:

Such a hollow promo by Lana tbh. “I’m dreaming, don’t wake me up.” ??? You were the sole survivor by proxy, it’s not like you did anything. Like good for you, but come on now.

I mean sure, hand out a title shot to fucking Lana, not like anyone else in the entire company cares about that belt. God I miss Becky.

“You may go home Raw women’s champion” HAHAHAHAHAAHHA sure.

“Nikki Cross blames herself for what Alexa Bliss has become,” she should, she straight up threw her hissy fit cuz she didn’t win the title, and then she bailed.

Now don’t get me wrong, I get that Alexa has been... possessed, if you will, by Fiend... but I’m not seeing any signs of Stockholm Syndrome when it comes to her and Bray. Aren’t they both trapped by Fiend in lore? Bray seems to genuinely care about Alexa. Am I off the mark here??

Oh my god this moment of silence for the fucking frog, I--

Topped with them laughing about his death, oooookay. I’m left speechless once again.

Commentators come back with, “Is Alexa Bliss too far gone...” LMFAO bye.

See I love this bullying Lana storyline cuz Nia and Shayna have no real reason to despise her 1/8th as much as they do. It simply boils down to ‘fuck Lana’ and like your typical high school bullies, they seethe when their victim succeeds at anything. It’s old school, believable, and doesn’t cross any lines that would upset parents or sponsors.

Also don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware that this title match is just a vehicle to advance the feud while involving Asuka, I simply wish the creation of the title match itself had been a bit more interesting. Lana’s dialogue ahead of it with both Sarah and Asuka just fell flat for me.

Omfg Asuka threw water on Nia and Shayna, bahahahah I can’t breathe. That might be the highlight of her entire reign, holy shit.

Negative points for her being floored by one punch though.

Well at least the segment ends with both Asuka and Lana standing, that’s not the worst.

Not much to say about this match, it’s really just Nia and Shayna bullying Lana lol.

I’ll give them this, there is absolutely nothing about neither Nia nor Shayna that is even remotely likeable. They play mean really well, and not ‘annoying yet funny’ mean like Bayley, just straight mean.

It’s not that I hate this submission ‘hold’ by Shayna, where she steps on the back of their neck while pulling a leg back, but I’m curious why she switched legs lmao. Awkward.

What a knee strike by Shayna to Asuka, whew that looked nasty.

Lmfao Nia took herself out by charging into the announce desk. I cannot. What a bump. Comedic bump, but a bump. Points.

Haha Shayna ate a rollup. A happy ending indeed. Lana sold that ending well, but it was a weird choice to have her and Asuka on the opposite ends of the ramp.

It’s been like 2 years and I’m still shocked Alexa never turned on Nikki.

This video is kind of just skipping over Nikki throwing her tantrum huh? Alexa played backseat cheerleader just to watch Nikki lose against Bayley 16 times and what did she get in return? Disrespect. Tsk.

Great package though. Points.

Nikki is so inconsistent. Internal conflict is valid, but she’s standing here claiming Alexa gave up on their friendship. First of all, this was initially instigated by Nikki. Second of all, she did nothing but trash Alexa’s boyfriend(?) when Alexa was nothing but kind to her after Nikki was a douche. She was confused so she gave Alexa an ultimatum, and now she’s pissy cuz Alexa chose him. This is toxic, I honestly have no sympathy for Nikki.

“I’m going to beat the Fiend out of Alexa Bliss” that’s... that’s not how this works... alright well you’re a shitty friend so, anyway.

Alexa slaps the back of Nikki’s hands and claims she won. I fucking can’t, she’s such a treat.

Lol Alexa’s just laughing at her.

My first introduction to Alexa was her as a master manipulator. Not a damn thing has changed.

Alexa has lost her god damn mind rofl.

*Bonus* online exclusive: victim Nikki, everyone. Why wasn’t this on Raw? Jesus they fill Raw with so many garbage replays while meaningful interviews to fill plot holes are put online. Dumb.

Lacey’s really running around calling Peyton “PeyPey” good lord.

I mean she’s right, Peyton was the weakest link. Just saying.

“10 sizes too big” shot at Uncle Melted Cheese.

I fucking love how Lacey pronounces “opportun-tit-ies” lmao. I thought it was an accident at first but honestly it’s great.

They have zero chemistry in the ring but at least they’re fun outside of it.

Highlight: I know I say Alexa every single week but shrug it’s Alexa

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NXT:

Alright Ember’s theme is wearing on me. She just has awesome theme songs.

Indi is really pretty and I love how she does her hair.

All nxt heels are the same; cowardly run from fights, slow methodical wrestling in the ring, recruiting muscle optional. It’s tired. At least be a good promo. Dakota is a good promo. She’s buyable. Actually where’s Dakota, I wanna see Dakota wrestle. No more Candice.

Holy shit that fall away slam onto Candice. Fucking THREW her ass across the ring. Whew everyone wave bye to Candice.

The setup to that step up senton by Candice was way too obvious.

Candice is too whiny.

Ah just as I’m beginning to get bored, Dakota comes out. It’s like nxt knows me.

Haha KO correcting Vic being a bad commentator.

See Candice isn’t even a bad wrestler, her style as heel just fucking blows.

Peeped that call by Ember.

Such a stupid setup to have Indi push Candice out of the way to take an Eclipse herself. It’s not like jumping in front of a bus. There was time. Whatever. I hate Candice matches 9 times out of 10 so there’s that lol.

...so is Toni a heel yet??? I’m guessing they’re going for “badass loner babyface-leaning tweener” for Ember, but Toni is not a tweener. She could’ve been, alas she is not.

Haha Toni is funny. Good, let her be heel. Maybe she’ll show some personality.

Alright but hear me out, what if we had a War Games team without Candice???

You did say we’d see a whole new side of you, Toni. Been waiting to see it though.

Wait back up, didn’t Toni attack Candice after their match recently?? Okay anyway.

“Rhea Ripley/Io Shirai? Doesn’t get any bigger than that.” True Rhea, now move up to the main roster plz.

Oh man Io’s basement dropkick fucking nailed Rhea in the face lol, oof.

“Where do I go from here?” TO THE MAIN ROSTER.

I don’t hate the tank and I don’t hate the idea of wearing a helmet, but those horns are super pointless.

Shotzi “pyromaniac” Blackheart. Stealing one of Alexa’s gimmicks.

It’s gonna be Shotzi, Io, Rhea and Ember, right? Who else would it be??

Rhea says she’s there to stay. Ma’am I stg if I have to wait til after wm to see you on the MR...

Me: super invested in Rhea cutting a fantastic promo and seeing how far she’s progressed as a well-rounded talent; Candice: “lol fuck you”

I hate Candice. I will fill this review with vitriol for Candice, I don’t care.

How... how did Io “steal” any victories from Candice? What help did she have? Is it drugs? Is Candice on drugs?? Candice you haven’t even held the title, shut the fuck up. Also all of y’all can sit down cuz only one woman on that entire brand has had a singles match at wm.

Oh shit they laid Io out. That’s a yikes.

In kf, the only threat to Rhea on that entire team is Toni.

I mean sure 4 people was way too much for Rhea to handle, but man they let her look pretty fucking good. The way she immediately slid out to give Raquel the high boot was smart as hell.

Dakota looks good. She gets style points.

Soooo Xia gets acting points, but what in the fuck is going on with her and Boa’s story...

Why do I have to see or hear Candice again? Jesus lord.

There’s someone else masked? *sigh* I don’t care, goodbye.

Highlight: Rhea’s promo that Candice ruined

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NXT UK:

I enjoy watching neither of these women wrestle, but at least Jinny’s persona is appealing and she has solid character work. She’s easy to dislike, so she gets heel-potential points.

Did they say Isla’s mentor is Nikki Cross? That’s... interesting...

So is this match gonna be interrupted by Piper? Probably not.

“This is an aggressive Isla Dawn,” well hey, maybe she actually started working on her stamina.

Jinny is vicious lmao.

Probably Isla’s best showing tbh.

I hate it when people jump off the top turnbuckle and then break into a slow, clunky roll, just to stand up and act as if their knee is tweaked. It’s so messy to me. Be smoother or don’t aimlessly jump off the turnbuckle.

Whole lotta yelling in the match.

Really don’t give a shit about a future Jinny/Piper match but okay.

Highlight: Jinny comes off as a vicious bitch, so that’s nice

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Smackdown:

Oh snap Bianca’s graphic has some real potential.

Ayyyeeee it’s Captain Bayley. We starting our Bianca/Bayley feud?

oof Nattie straight outsmarted Bianca as the vet, there. Bianca friggin speared that ringpost.

“I think I did the world a favor, we got to see Bianca Belair shine,” she’s not wrong, Bianca was absolutely my mvp from SvS. In hindsight speaking from current day, Bayley really set up Bianca to be the upcoming star of this division, starting with SvS.

Oh snap did Bianca just call Nattie a bitch? How dare she, that’s Nattie’s only patented insult!

“You don’t want to get counted out again,” lmfao Bayley’s so annoying.

pppffffftttt Bayley inadvertently getting her ass whooped tonight.

Yeah somehow this is all Cole’s fault lol.

No, stop, no more “them” promos. Bayley cut this promo literally a year prior, we don’t need to hear it from Carmella, too. Besides, she was never necessarily a fan favorite that the crowd gradually turned against like Bayley was. It’s different.

WHAT SHOTS ARE YOU CALLING?? Is this about Reggie? Has he even appeared on screen yet?

Lmao Sasha beating her ass. Good for her. Looking good while she does it, too. Sasha in shiny silver... whew.

The wwe shop ad with the Riott Squad was worth a mention. They entertain me and they deserve tag titles. Not sure why wwe is still dragging their feet, but commit to them already, damn it.

Highlight: Bianca/Bayley seeds being planted

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*Smackdown shined the brightest this week. Short, simple, straight to the point. Left me wanting to throw on next week’s episode, which no other show accomplished.

#wwe #issa review #feel free to ignore these #cuz who tf cares lesbihonest #today's props goes to:#bayley

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abbyspieces-blog · 7 years ago

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The Allergy Chronicles: It Begins

I’ve decided to start something. It’s mainly for myself, but also for those that are in the same position as I am, or are just curious, or for those of you that are genuinely concerned with the goings on in my life. For those of you who follow me and are sure to check up on the updates of my health and my life, you know that I have had some very odd problems throughout the past two years, mainly dealing with my allergies.

For those of you who are just beginning with me on this written journey, you need to know that I have always been allergic to peanuts, peanut butter, anything dealing with peanuts in general. This is how I always start off the endless explanation that is my life story. However, one night during my senior year of high school, everything changed drastically. And for the worse. Ironically enough it was on Homecoming night when I was out to eat with some friends. Long story short, I had an anaphylactic type of reaction to some pistachios - something I was never allergic to to begin with. From that night on, it was as if someone had flipped a light switch. I begin reacting almost every single night to everything. I was in and out of the hospital with IV’s, breathing masks, and multiple epi-pen stab wounds decorating my legs. After endless tests and doctor visits, we concluded that my allergies were through the roof. Along with peanuts, we were able to realize that I had somehow developed an anaphylacitc type of response to the following foods.

Peanuts (obviously)

Soy

Peas

Capers

Red Peppers

Dill

Ragweed (which is melons, bananas, honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelons, zucchini, sunflower seeds, chamomile tea, echinacea)

Pears

Peaches

Celery

Artichokes

Almonds

Hazelnuts

Pistachios

Basically all nuts

Whey protein

There is more to the list, I’m sure but it’s hard to remember all of them, as you can see. Not all of these developed over night, some of them gradually came into play, like red peppers. I used to eat those at lunch every day my senior year and then one day I ate them and my throat closed immediately. Over time, my allergies have just gotten worse and worse and there seems to be no end in sight.

This all began when I was 17 about to turn 18. I am now 19 and about to turn 20. The repercussions of having these severe allergies are a lot worse than what I had imagined. At first, I thought it was awful just dealing with food allergies. Especially when you’re as young as I am. You stick out like a sore thumb at parties and at school, and most people treat you like you aren’t even a person really anymore. I’ve had a girl follow me around the dining hall while at college to see what I could and couldn’t eat, asking me a million questions while along the way; as if my life wasn’t personal anymore, like it was totally normal for her to invade my space and bother me with pointless questions all to quell her endless curiosity. I didn’t ask for this, so why do I get treated like it’s my only identity now? It just doesn’t seem fair.

Anyways, as I was saying, I didn’t realize being allergic to so many things would have the consequences that it does. Last year was my freshman year of college. It is then that my real problems began. I won’t go into a crazy amount of detail because it would make this post lengthier than it already is. Basically, I began to feel sick all the time and got some tests done. We came up with more questions than we did answers most of the time, but eventually we unearthed some of what was causing me a lot of the pain, a lot of the nausea, and all of the bloody vomit and stools. Turns out I have Eosinophilic Esophagitis which is a big fancy word for an extremely swollen esophagus. It makes it difficult to swallow, it causes nausea among other problems. It’s extremely unpleasant and there aren’t a whole lot of cures for it either. They also found that my stomach is bleeding internally. My body is unable to digest most of the food I eat so what it does is irritate my insides until they begin to bleed which causes the nausea and the vomitting and the diarrhea. Eating is a horrendous process which involves me sweating, squinting in pain, wanting to sleep forever, and basically just feeling awful. I feel the best when I just don’t eat. Every inch of my intestinal tract is swollen and beat up from a year of severe food allergies, leaving us with very few options of how to fix it.

After talking with my allergist and some GI specialists at Loyola hospital, we’ve decided I only have one option and that’s to go on the Elemental Diet. The Elemental Diet is a liquid diet that is basically a protein shake. It only has the bare necessities: amino acids, proteins, vitamins, etc. You figure out exactly how many calories you need and then you drink that amount every day. You can only drink water with it, nothing else. What this does is it gives your digestive system a break from the havoc wreaking process of consuming. It allows it to heal and basically press the “restart” button. For a long time, I fought the idea of going on the Elemental Diet, before things got really bad, because I absolutely LOVE food. It’s delicious and satisfying, and basically the reason I roll out of bed every morning. Not really. But still you get the point. So I was at my breaking point when I told them that I would agree to this. My doctors explained that there really is no other option. If I continue to eat like I usually do, the consequences could be fatal. So I agreed.

I wanted to start basically an internet log of this process and the stresses and triumphs that go along with it. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re alone in something like this, because it IS so rare and there are so few people out there that actually understand how awful it is. And it’s not just dealing with it that sucks, it’s dealing with the ignorance that modern day people that don’t understand allergies or this type of illness that come along with it. It’s dealing with the emotional stress that goes hand in hand in dealing with illness. This log will serve as a place for me to kind of vent about my feelings in regards to dealing with this, but also as a beacon to find others that deal with this as well. I feel like we should come together. I know that sounds corny and I probably sound like some kind of pathetic sap, but this is something that requires others to stick together. Knowing that you have a friend that understands what you’re going through makes all the difference. On top of that, if anyone has any questions about these kinds of diseases or problems, here’s a place to ask. There are likely to be others that know more than I do who you may be able to ask as well that flock to these posts. Or maybe it’ll just be me, talking to myself. Regardless, I think it’s time someone start something like this. And so I’m going to.

Today was my first day trying the liquid diet. My mom and I got it prepared and didn’t even bother to read the ingredients because it’s so basic. The first sip wasn’t bad at all. The specific kind I have is called Vital 1.5 Cal. I don’t know if that’s it’s official name, but that’s whats on the cans. After a few more sips, it definitely wasn’t my favorite drink; it tasted more like a really badly mixed vanilla shake with syrup mixed in. I kept drinking, however. About halfway through I noticed that my throat was swelling and was itching like crazy. I ignored it, however, because I figured it was all in my head. After a while though, I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I looked at my mom and told her that I was having an allergic reaction. She just sighed and said “there’s no way.” So we looked at the ingredients and low and behold, whey protein is the second ingredient. I took benadryl and an inhaler, but held off on the epi. We’re now researching hospitals to go to instead of Loyola. Not because Loyola is a bad hospital; it’s not. It’s a lovely hospital and they do a great job, it’s just that we need the best of the best now. It’s go time and I’m stuck here at the start line with no where to go. So it looks like the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota is our best bet. I live in Chicago so Minnesota is way out of our way. However, it’s the only option we have left. We’re both currently researching different liquid diets that I could be on like EO28 Splash that doesn’t use Whey as the protein. As you can see, it’s obviously frustrating to have these kinds of food allergies because it impairs you from doing and eating anything. I can’t go out today because now I’m stuck at home feeling like I’m gonna die, my stomach wrenching in knots, and being exhausted from the benadryl. It’s just sad. And aggravating.

So, I am going to begin to log my days trudging through this mess and all the updates that come my way. I will answer any questions that I can and will be sure to seek out others that might understand what we’re going through as well. More people need to be educated on these problems because they’re not something to shrug off. Internal bleeding is not something to just shrug your shoulders at. It’s deadly. And it’s caused by severe food allergies. So I guess the goal of this whole thing is to make others aware of what’s going on all around the world and what is becoming an epidemic. So thank you for reading this and I’ll be sure to keep all of you updated. - Abby.

#theallergychronicles #about me #allergies #eosinophilic esophagitis #mastocytic enterocolitis #eoe

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 5 years ago

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Scared of Leaving?

How Well Do You Know Your Moon blog got this in their ‘ask’ box: “I’m a second generation member from Australia, and I’m currently questioning the beliefs and customs of the FFWPU / Unification Church. I just wanted to ask, when you left the church, did you feel scared at all? Did the thought of ‘what if all they taught was right’ ever cross your mind? I’m currently stuck between leaving the church or staying, and am currently exploring other more ‘normal’ religions. Many thanks.”

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I decided to share this with some other second generation who left the church and here are some of their responses:

I legitimately wondered if I was going to get struck by lightening or run over by a car for the first year or so. My mom had had a spiritual child that left and then drowned a few months later, so as a kid she drilled into me that that’s what happens when you leave. Plus I was terrified to tell people about where I “came from” because I thought I would be judged or thrown out – like in so many establishments while fundraising on STF (Special Task Force) – so it took me a long time to develop my family of choice.

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The Divine Principle teaches that the purpose of life is to attain happiness, and I was anything but happy in the church. Yes I terrified for months before and after I “left,” although I can’t pinpoint an exact event or time. It was more of a series of lifestyle changes that gradually brought me away, but also made me happier and improved my quality of life. As things got better, my fear eventually subsided. My advice? Go explore! Committing to a life of faith is a big decision and should be taken seriously. Land in a place where you are comfortable to be free, express yourself, and explore your unique potential.

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Also the “pure blood lineage” scenario runs through some sects of the Jewish, Muslim, and basically Judeo-Christian teachings, so the UC is not special in that sense. That’s how the church kept me in fear of disbanding. It’s a false-privileged old way of controlling someone, and it’s the very definition of conditional love.

I would let this person know that practically all of second gens I know have left the church, because we found that the world is bigger than the narrow confines of the UC. It’s okay to question things just like Martin Luther did with starting the Protestant Church, and Rev. Moon did with the UC, and what the Pope is doing right now.

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But for some reason, I was always suspicious of it all. I felt like I didn’t have enough reasons to believe. I would do conditions of 210 bows for 40 days, cold showers, fasting, etc., to receive an undeniable confirmation that Moon was truly the Lord of the Second Advent, like the myths we heard from early UC history. Nothing ever came. What kept me in for so long was the fact that I never experienced a love like I did among church members. That was my testimony and the reason I put my faith in Moon.

Eventually, when I discovered the atrocities done in the name of Moon and by Moon, especially after I read Nansook Hong’s book “In the Shadow of the Moons” I knew I couldn’t stay much longer. I was scared of leaving because of my parents, of course, but also because I thought I’d never have friends like I did in the UC. We constantly heard that rhetoric that friendships outside the Church are pointless and what BCs ‘Blessed Children’ share is unique, etc. After I left, though, I developed deeper friendships than I had in the church. I had friends who loved me no matter what my views on spirituality were and loved me when I fucked up and I found out what true love—that unconditional love we were told about at camp—was really about.

I somehow ended up forming convictions in God, Jesus, etc., that I couldn’t ignore, and despite my cynicism and fear of organized religion, I ended up in a progressive Christian community that could support me in my faith (and me with theirs) and live out these convictions presented by Jesus together.

All that to say, it may be really hard leaving, but it will be worth it. Explore your convictions, your ideas, and be the best you. It fucks with Moonies’ heads when they see somebody so clearly living out true love and not buying into their crap—and outright rejecting it.

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While I was questioning my beliefs, I felt a lot of shame and guilt about being ungrateful for ‘True Parents’, and doubting them so much. I feared God would be disappointed in my lack of faith. But the more evidence I found that the faith itself was inconsistent and false, the more boldly I was able to think for myself and discover who I am. It’s terrifying at first to think that everyone you know and all the adults you’ve looked up to are wrong. But it also gives you freedom, when you can ascertain your own beliefs instead of just checking in with what “Father says”.

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Not so much fear for me. Maybe little fleeting twinges of it early on. But it was a slower transition and more gradual over time which I’m sure made it easier. Two points to remember:

1) I’ve never seriously considered that I could permanently lose my relationship with my mother. We’re related by blood. We disagree at times, but if anything threatened my life. She’d only be closer to me, no matter what had divided us. She’s my mother. She loves me. How much more would that apply to my father in heaven. Who not only gave me physical life, but a spiritual nature as well.

2) Would it make sense, if you invested in my business, that I would tell you… “Don’t trust information from anyone else but me. Because only my information will help you understand my stock and make the right choice about investing in it. The more you trust my information, and ignore all other information, the better financial decisions you will make!”

That doesn’t work for ANYTHING you can name in life! The more diverse information you receive, the more thoroughly you will understand something, and the better decisions you will then make.

So why is it that the ones who claim to have the highest, most important truth want to prohibit you from getting information from anyone but them? What are they afraid of?

People that have FACTS on their side, never fear any information that would seem to contradict them, because if they have enough facts on their side, they can easily handle any challenge offered.

But the UC fears such challenges, and wants you to believe that being fully informed is even “evil” and can undermine the supposed greatest truth there is! But that is ridiculous of course, seeing as how, in ANY question in life—finances, house purchasing, medical issues, intimate relationships, science… ANYTHING… the more informed I am, the more thoroughly I understand something, the more I can make the best informed decision!

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I, too, was afraid of becoming an apostate.

I had been raised under the belief that Sun Myung Moon was the Messiah since the age of nine. I hardly knew any other life outside of the faith, aside from Catholicism. I was taught, as you were taught, that Moon and his wife were the “True Parents”, an invaluable gift for mankind’s salvation. We were given a rare opportunity not to reject God’s messenger as other generations had. To finally bring about Heavenly Father’s Kingdom On Earth, the Cheong Il Guk. We have yet to see that ideal world we were promised, and I’m sure you know that many divisions have arisen in the Church since Moon’s death over how best to realize this ideal.

What I’m not going to tell you is whether to stay or leave the Church. That’s a decision, I believe, you should have to make for yourself. I don’t know about you, but I feared that leaving the Church, Heavenly Father’s gift, would bring me into the arms of Satan. Much of my motivation for staying, then, was based on this fear of turning away from God, as the Church understood him. If it is guilt or fear that is keeping you tied to the Church, then you must ask yourself, are these the emotions I want to commit me to this belief system? Is such a mindset healthy? Yes, I was afraid, but if I was going to dedicate the rest of my life to following Moon, it had to be because my heart wanted to do it. Otherwise, if I couldn’t commit fully, why commit to the doctrine at all?

I had recently taken a critical thinking class in college, and I began to apply the reasoning of the scientific method to my beliefs in the Church. This basically amounted to weighing the arguments for and against Moon’s messianic authority, then deciding for myself which ones made more sense, which ones seemed to carry more weight. In my research, I found that others like Nansook Hong, Steve Hassan, Donna Orme Collins, and Un Jin Moon had left the Church, to no notable Satanic horrors. In other words, it became apparent that one could leave Unificationism and very well get along with life relatively unharmed. Recognizing that these fears of Satanic seizure had been greatly exaggerated, will grant you a clearer head in making the decision whether or not to keep following Moon.

There are other exercises I’d recommend for you. One would be to look at the claims Moon makes for himself and then look at his behavior. Does Moon’s behavior seem consistent with his claims, the claims of a moral messianic leader? I’d also ask you to read the Bible, if you haven’t already, since Moon claims to follow in the Biblical tradition. Though I’d ask that you read the Bible on its own terms, ignoring any interpretations of it made by Moon’s Divine Principle. Is what is written in the Bible, particularly those teachings of Christ, consistent with what the Principle teaches, or how Moon has lived his life? While we’re on the topic of the Principle, has anything in that book ever made you uncomfortable on an ethical level? If so, ask yourself why. Do the ends ever justify the means in the Principle? If so, what reasons are given to justify those ends? Do these reasons seem to come more out of moral necessity that considers the individual in pursuit of the goal, or do these reasons feel more like rationalizations that privilege the goal over the individual? What sounds more just to you?

As you know, there are people other than Unificationists who have been able to lead morally fulfilling lives. You may have been taught that they belong to the “fallen world”. Ask yourself if the “fallen world” is really as terrible as you had been lead to believe. No doubt, people outside of the Church can do bad things, but are not people inside of the Church also capable of committing similar behaviors? If so, ask yourself what really differentiates a person in the Church from a person outside of it. If it is possible to lead a moral and even a religious life outside of Moon’s teachings, then seriously consider what it is about a belief in Moon that cannot be grasped elsewhere.

Do not be afraid to investigate cherished ideologies and dogmas, religious or secular, in accordance with the scientific method. And like Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson, two of the founders of the United States, you must follow reason wherever it may lead. In this commitment there may be a struggle, but the fruits of clarity you will receive, I think, are worth any personal cost. It is better to believe what you believe because it is consistent with your own common sense, than to believe it out of a blind obligation to tradition or sentimentality. I’ll leave you now with the words of Christ, and I pray that you’ll make a decision that best suits your own conscience.

“You will know the truth, and truth will set you free.”

Most Sincerely,

Joseph Nikolas Erobha

Reposted from his blog: http://sansuthecat.blogspot.com/2015/09/an-open-letter-to-skeptical.html

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Ashamed to be Korean

Writings of former FFWPU members Many recount their experiences in the organization or their journeys out of it

My advice on leaving the FFWPU / Unification Church

#moonies #Former 2nd Gen #Unification Church #FFWPU

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howwelldoyouknowyourmoon · 7 years ago

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Scared of Leaving?

In 2015 HWDYKYM got this in our ask box:

“I’m a second gen from Australia, and I’m currently questioning the beliefs and customs of the Unification Church. I just wanted to ask, when you left the church, did you feel scared at all? Did the thought of ‘what if all they taught was right’ ever cross your mind? I’m currently stuck between leaving the church or staying, and am currently exploring other more ‘normal’ religions. Many thanks.”

I decided to share this with some other second generation who left the church and here are some of their responses:

Something I find comfort in is the idea that good people are good people, that goodness is goodness, regardless of affiliation or belief. It’s your character and your actions that matter, that determine the quality of your life and the impact you can have on the world, much more than your creed. Even the DP teaches that people with good hearts are the ones actually closest to God, rather than “whitewashed tombs” of people who claim the truth. Even if it turns out that you’re “wrong” in what side of the fence you decide to jump down on, it doesn’t really matter as long as you live your life well. It’s hard to know or be sure of what’s true. We just have to do our best with whatever knowledge and certainty we do have. If there is a Heaven, I think all the people who are truly loving, generous, and courageous are the ones who will end up there—be they atheists, Hindus, Mormons, or even Unificationists.

From a young age, I knew the cost of being a Unificationist was big, especially if you really believed in it. I’m not one to half-ass anything, and if Moon was the messiah, I wanted to get matched by him, do at least two years of STF, convert all my friends, make the Principle known, create a perfect heteronormative family under the reign of Cheon Il Guk, and pay indemnity for my Japanese sins. But for some reason, I was always suspicious of it all. I felt like I didn’t have enough reasons to believe. I would do conditions of 210 bows for 40 days, cold showers, fasting, etc., to receive an undeniable confirmation that Moon was truly the Lord of the Second Advent, like the myths we heard from early UC history. Nothing ever came. What kept me in for so long was the fact that I never experienced a love like I did among church members. That was my testimony and the reason I put my faith in Moon. Eventually, when I discovered the atrocities done in the name of Moon and by Moon, especially after I read Nan Sook Hong’s book “In the Shadow of the Moons”. I knew I couldn’t stay much longer. I was scared of leaving because of my parents, of course, but also because I thought I’d never have friends like I did in the UC. We constantly heard that rhetoric that friendships outside the Church are pointless and what BCs share is unique, etc. After I left, though, I developed deeper friendships than I had in the church. I had friends who loved me no matter what my views on spirituality were and loved me when I fucked up and I found out what true love—that unconditional love we were told about at camp—was really about. I somehow ending up forming convictions in God, Jesus, etc., that I couldn’t ignore, and despite my cynicism and fear of organized religion, I ended up in a progressive Christian community that could support me in my faith (and me with theirs) and live out these convictions presented by Jesus together. All that to say, it may be really hard leaving, but it will be worth it. Explore your convictions, your ideas, and be the best you. It fucks with Moonies’ heads when they see somebody so clearly living out true love and not buying into their crap—and outright rejecting it.

First I would tell he or she that “religion” should not be perceived as a social group that one just joins. Even though that’s basically what it is on the surface. You should look deeper inside yourself. Find something you truly believe in. For me it’s God. I’m not religious. I’m spiritual. Which is something all religions can help you discover within your self. But you should not have to need/depend on a religious group to find/keep your spirituality. I mean that’s just my perspective. Just be an open person. Be infinite. Take everything in. And live your life. I was horrified at the beginning. But then you’re just free. And that’s awesome.

An Open Letter to the Unification Church from a former 2nd Gen.

Dear UC / FFWPU,

There was no room for those who were politically liberal, LGBT or gender nonconforming, or questioning their faith – and authenticity was hard to find.

We were not blessed families. We were cursed.

Signed,

A Former 2nd Gen, and supposedly a “blessed child”.

My advice on leaving the Unification Church

conformity

Bending Truth – Cognitive Dissonance

Fun with numbers

Why We Left – An open letter to the UC from a former 2nd gen. member

The Believing Brain: From Spiritual Faiths to Political Convictions – How We Construct Beliefs and Reinforce Them as Truths

The Four Fallen Natures of the Divine Principle are used as a means of controlling members.

Books and articles written by members who left the Unification Church

Dynamics of Joining and Leaving the Unification Church

#Unification Church #FFWPU #Hak Ja Han #Sun Myung Moon

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