#the holiday season sucks

[fellthemarvelous]

I hate the holidays so much. My depression is already bad, but the holiday season just amplifies it.

Thanksgiving 2020, my mom and I prepared a meal for me and her and my dad. We were still in the middle of COVID, she had been receiving chemo treatments since summer of that year, but she had stage 4 cancer so there was no cure. We laughed our way through preparations though because neither of us had actually ever cooked a turkey before.

I remember giving her a hug. We were talking about what we would do differently for Thanksgiving 2021 (like getting a Honey Baked Ham instead of a turkey), and then she told me she didn't think she would be around anymore by the time Thanksgiving rolled around again. I told her not to think like that. It was impossible for me to imagine a world without my mom in it.

A month later I had to take her to the ER because she was having trouble walking. She went into the hospital the day before Christmas Eve, and a month later I had to say goodbye to her. She never came home again.

My brother and sister flew out when she was admitted into the hospital, but it was still in the midst of COVID and we couldn't spend time with her. She was in triage for three days before they finally found a room for her in the ICU.

The cancer was in her lungs (she never smoked a day in her life), in her spine, and it was spreading like wildfire throughout her brain. There were two weeks where she was in the hospital and we didn't get to see her once because of how rampant COVID was (and the people who fucking refused to take the pandemic seriously).

They had to intubate her because she stopped breathing on her own, and then finally we learned that there was nothing else they could do for her, so she ended up in hospice.

Christmas and New Years was spent worrying about my mom and being upset because we couldn't sit with her in the hospital. My mom spent about two weeks in hospice after that, and I stayed with her as much as I possibly could.

She passed away on a night I was unable to stay, in the final days of January 2021. Exactly one month before my sister's birthday and just a little over a month before my 40th birthday. It never occurred to me that she wouldn't get to live long enough to see me reach 40.

My sister's kids didn't get to fly out to visit my mom because my sister, a single mom, wasn't able to afford plane tickets for all three of them. She couldn't even get the time off work to stay out here with us for a full 24 hours.

And now my sister's former mother-in-law has stage 4 cancer, so the kids are about to lose their only other grandmother to an aggressive form of cancer as well. It hasn't even been a week since we learned this information.

It was 19 degrees outside the day we had my mom's funeral, but this same woman stood next to me while we watched them lower my mom's casket into the ground, with her arms wrapped around me, to give me some small amount of comfort on one of the worst days of my life.

And she's been cursed with a fate just as cruel as my mom's.

I feel so small. I'm broke and jobless and feel like an entirely worthless human being because my depression and anxiety are so bad right now that I can't even function like a person is supposed to.

I'm months away from turning 43 and all I can think about is how much I really want my mom right now.

[bittersweet-mojo]

very much not a youtuber fanart person but the end of hermitcraft season 9 really got to me so here's ya boy grain.

[manasurge]

Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)

[denebuladoesart]

It’s Tumblr but still….

Bro I work at Starbucks so we are busy…idk how much I will be able to draw but I want to post at least sketches to try to curb my perfectionism…and I swear I’ve drawn Ratau at least once!! lol enjoy.

[vamp-a-day]

day 67

@sparkvampweek day 7: Snowy day

ty so much for hosting this event, it was a lot of fun! absolute treat to see everyone else's works, too

[bunnyboy-juice]

im shaky, im nauseous, but it is done

[fly-rye]

going to the mall of america during the holiday season is really not my idea of a good time, but that is where my company's holiday party is being held tomorrow. wish me luck because im going to need it

[aefensteorrra]

Going to Turkey soon and am quite (very) nervous because I have heat intolerance and every day it’s going to be at least 29 degrees with a uv index of 9 (which I have never experienced?? that can’t happen at this latitude). Everything I wear in summer is either linen or cotton so I know I’m okay on that front, I wear spf 50 every day in summer here anyway cause I’m ginger so will be very on top of that, got a hat, just have to buy a tonne of chewable electrolyte tablets… 🫡

[lasersheith]

So I haven't done a "family holiday" with my parents/brothers/their fams since 2017 I think, maybe 2018 and it used to really really bum me out like oh man this is so sad my parents don't accept me my brother's don't stand up for me I'm all alone etc etc sad boy times

But the last few years I've been doing holidays with my husband's (much smaller) family and it's been so peaceful and nice. I keep seeing people freaking out about how much it's going to suck spending all week with people they hate and I'm just over here chilling. I'm gonna hang out with my husband and his cousins and it's gonna be really fun and no one is going to say any slurs near or at me and I don't miss any of them even a little bit.

If anyone is looking for a sign to just not fucking deal with those bitches this year, here it is! You are allowed to lie and say you're sick or broke your leg or won a ski trip on a radio show or just text the group chat a middle finger and block all of them.

[coldasyou]

I don’t really want to live past 2025 … sorry fuck it we ball years are over

[coockie8]

In the same "character acts like another character is being unreasonable for something that makes perfect sense if you actually think about it for 2 seconds" vein as "Vlad has every right to hate Jack given the man hospitalised then ghosted him for several years", I would probably hate Christmas if I had to listen to my parents scream at each other about the same pointless bullshit every year for 14 years too!

[rosaacicularis]

have a fever of 39.3°C (approximately 103°F for you american folk) and the flu which means i’m off of work for a few days!! maybe in my fever addled state i can write some fanfiction

[futureofthemasses]

The girls had their annual vet visits today and unfortunately what I've been fearing is coming true and Luna has some lumps forming on her liver. Other than being sleepier than usual and not always finishing her food the last few weeks (likely because things are starting to push against her stomach and making her feel full) she's doing good. For now we are going to let her be and give her all the love and attention she deserves and monitor how she's feeling. She isn't in any pain but if that comes we'll start her on pain relief and we'll give her anti-nausea meds to help with her appetite if needed. She's definitely not showing any signs that she's ready to leave us soon, but when she does we'll let her go peacefully and painlessly knowing we gave her a great 16 years ♥️

[talentforlying]

every late november i am cursed with the knowledge that constantine hasn't done any sort of formal or informal holiday gathering since his sister died, and flat-out avoids people as soon as december starts so no one will invite him to anything bc he knows his seasonally bad mood will haunt whatever room he walks into. basically i'm saying this is your chance to ambush him while it's still november and harangue him into agreeing to attend your non-denominational ugly sweater parties or split a bottle of wine before he's cognizant enough to weasel out of it.

[bunnyb34r]

I hate how burn out takes away my goofy singing ab stupid shit-ness :/ I miss making up stupid songs as I clean. I miss singing in general. I miss me. :(

[0809sysblings]

it is always a little funny to me when people try to make psychologists and psychiatrists out to be the only people ever capable of being able to accurately diagnose mental illnesses and disorders and that their word is law as a way to criticize self diagnosis when like. once i was hospitalized and the psychiatrist there who i had not even known for more than a day tried to diagnose me as bipolar despite me having No history of mania because he.. couldn't really understand why i acted the way i did i guess???