#the florida panthers still won the stanley cup

[cryinginthedeep]

matthew tkachuk - all your life, did you know, you'd be picked like a rose?

something..something...tying your skates like your dad used to but also, outgrowing the shoes you're expected to fill

[senditcolton]

honestly, one of my favorite things about being on here is seeing who’s adopting what team as the playoffs continue.

[tangerisms]

my personal 2024 panthers stanley cup parade highlights

parade being delayed because of a thunderstorm , in florida fashion

still raining but boys went out anyways looking like wet rats

bobby going out into the crowd and taking a selfie with a fan (? i think? my stream was a little laggy there so i dont know if it was a selfie or jersey signing)

paul maurice wearing a panthers shirt with his cats as the panthers logo

matthew tkachuk going into the ocean. again.

nick cousins drunkenly walking across the barrier and grabbing fans' drinks , chugging them , and throwing them on the ground

some of the guys going into the crowd with the cup and the crowd knocking over a barrier

matthew going into the crowd and getting lost for about 15 minutes

roberto luongo coming on stage and swearing about three times (very drunk) while the crowd went LUUUUUU

aaron ekblad coming out with a traffic cone on his head???

matthew coming on stage (also very drunk), swearing, and announcing barky as "the best fucking captain in the nhl"

barky saying "ive never won anything before but ive always wanted to do this" and that being a bobby chant with the crowd

not as fun highlight: the panthers own stream audio constantly cutting out

[dadvans]

no one still in the running for the stanley cup has won in over 10 years, and only one first seed team remains. reminder that the kraken just beat previous stanley cup winner, overcoming ZERO PERCENT ODDS, and wild card team florida panthers beat the presidents trophy winner that broke several league records in scoring and wins this year.

[tkachuktkaching]

Tkachuk to be full participant at start of Panthers training camp

Forward ‘feeling great’ after fracturing sternum during Stanley Cup Final

LAS VEGAS -- Matthew Tkachuk will be a full participant when the Florida Panthers begin training camp Sept. 21.

The forward said at the NHL North American Player Media Tour on Tuesday during an interview for a future episode of the "NHL @TheRink" podcast that he is healthy more than three months after sustaining a fractured sternum in the first period of Game 3 of the Stanley Cup Final against the Vegas Golden Knights on June 8.

"I am feeling great," Tkachuk said. "It's been a very short summer, the way I want it to be every year going forward. The worst timing for the injury, obviously, Stanley Cup Final, but in a weird way I had time after where I wasn't missing X amount of months of game action, so I had the summer to get ready. I definitely improved on some things. The injury allowed me to work on some parts of fitness and conditioning and that is in the best form right now possible, and I just improved on some strength, which was my goal."

Tkachuk returned in the third period of Game 3 and scored the tying goal with 2:13 remaining. The Panthers won 3-2 in overtime.

He said he was given permission by team doctors to play through the pain in Game 4. He skated 16:40 and had four shots on goal in a 3-2 loss that put Florida down 3-1 in the best-of-7 series. Tkachuk did not play Game 5, which Vegas won 9-3 to win the Stanley Cup.

"I think I realized I was in the most pain when we won that Game 3," Tkachuk said. "I missed a big portion of it, came back and we won it in overtime. After the game, I'm walking around and normally you have the high spirits after a win, especially in the playoffs. It doesn't matter what you're going through, you're on top of the world. And I was pumped, but I still knew that half of my body felt like it was [in pain]. I knew something wasn't right.

“I didn't know what it was at the time. We did all my tests the next day, then I came back and basically with doctor's orders was given the opportunity to do everything I could to play just one game. [I] did it. I would have done it all over again if I had the chance."

Tkachuk said he wasn't worried about long-term effects of the break in his sternum, knowing that would heal, but there were some internal issues that that led to some scary moments.

"I'll try to keep it short, but there's all the blood vessels and stuff and that was the scary part at the time and that was the most concerning part in my health at the time," Tkachuk said. "But right now, it's good."

He was able to play Game 4 despite not even being able to get out of bed without assistance from his brother, Ottawa Senators forward Brady Tkachuk.

"I'm not going to lie, that was the craziest thing I've ever kind of been a part of," Brady said Tuesday, also for a future episode of the "NHL @TheRink" podcast. "I just flew in for the game because I wanted to see a Stanley Cup Final game and he came back from the rink in the morning and just looked awful. He was like, 'I’ve got to go take a nap.' And then he calls me at 3:30 and I'm downstairs. He says, 'Can you come up here?' We were just mucking it up and then he's like, 'Alright, I need you to help me up.' I'm like, 'You're joking.' He's like, 'No, I legit can't get up. I just sneezed and I thought I died.'

“He was going through some serious pain and just to see him be able to find a way to just play in that game and have the mindset of treating this as my last game, do whatever it takes, try to get a win and put ourselves in a better position going into Game 5, I was so proud of him. The way he played, trying to work around it, not many people can do, especially at the pain level he was at."

Tkachuk finished last season tied for sixth in the NHL with 109 points (40 goals, 69 assists) in 79 games. He led the Panthers and was tied for third in the NHL in playoff scoring with 24 points (11 goals, 13 assists) in 20 games.

Florida is not expected to have defensemen Aaron Ekblad and Brandon Montour on the ice for the start of training camp; each has been rehabbing from offseason shoulder surgery. Tkachuk said they may not be back until around Christmas.

[stereax]

is there a reason why Carolina is losing all their affiliates???

Other than being assholes to Erik Haula?

Okay, but in all seriousness, there's a short answer and a long one.

The short answer is two words long: Pyotr Kochetkov.

The long answer? Meet me under the cut.

Alright, hi there. So to answer this question fully, we need to talk about the AHL in depth. The AHL, or American Hockey League, is the second-highest league of North American pro hockey, under the NHL. Most people tend to believe it's just "where prospects play before they hit the NHL". This is... only a part of the story.

There are 32 teams in the AHL to match 32 NHL teams. The idea there is that every NHL team would have an AHL affiliate - the most recent expansion, for example, the Coachella Valley Firebirds, is the AHL affiliate for the newest NHL team, the Seattle Kraken. Many of these teams are owned by the same group as owns the NHL team - Harris Blitzer, for example, owns both the New Jersey Devils and the Utica Comets. Others don't - the AHL's Charlotte Checkers, for instance, are owned by Michael Kahn, whereas their NHL affiliate, the Florida Panthers, is owned by Sunrise Sports (aka Vincent Viola).

Why is this important? Well, if you're an NHL team that owns your AHL team, you can let that AHL team leak money. You're turning a good profit on the NHL team, so you don't have to make your AHL team economically viable on its own - you just put it in as a massive tax write-off and go on with your day. Thus, you can put all of your AHL team's resources into developing your AHL players to get ready to play at the NHL level. Of course you sign some vets and such of your own, maybe get a few undrafted guys for the AHL team too, but generally, an NHL-owned AHL team's sole purpose is to develop NHL players. Winning the Calder Cup (the AHL equivalent to the Stanley Cup, not to be confused with the Calder Memorial Trophy given to the best NHL rookie) is just gravy on top.

Contrast this to independently-owned AHL teams, where this is not the case. For these teams, making money is paramount. How do you make money? When you win. Fun fact - the Chicago Wolves, incidentally, used to be televised on main channels partially as a fuck you to Bill Wirtz, who didn't let the Chicago Blackhawks' home games be televised, presumably to drive ticket sales. The Wolves saw that and pounced on the opportunity to make some cash. So if nothing else, love them for sticking it to the Hawks. You can still watch Wolves games on My50, it seems, if you've got that channel, as well as AHL streaming options.

But back to independently-owned AHL teams before I go on my daily anti-Hawks crusade. You want to make money. You do that when you win. When you make the postseason. When you win in the postseason. Independently-owned AHL teams want to win, not necessarily develop for the NHL. So when your NHL team keeps taking your best player away for weeks and then giving him back... you get annoyed.

Now let's play Chicago Wolves Simulator. You are Don Levin and Buddy Meyers, the Wolves' owners. Your goal is to win the Calder Cup or at least come pretty damn close so you can pay the bills. You have a good team - hell, you won the Calder last year! - but your best asset is this star goaltender named Pyotr Kochetkov. When Koochie's in net, you usually win because he bails out your team. When he isn't there to help you win, you kind of don't. Now, Carolina's going through its own issues in net, so they keep calling Koochie up and down. And, as previously mentioned, you kind of suck without Koochie. To be fair, you're not all that great with him, but you suck without him. And you have no control over when he goes up to Carolina, even just to sit on the bench.

You miss the playoffs by one point. One. And your three-year contract with the Canes is up. What do you do?

Waddell Young, GM of the Wolves, says their philosophy and the Canes' fundamentally differed. The Wolves develop and win. Winning develops, to them. The Canes wanted the Wolves to focus solely on development. Not winning. So, when their deal with the Canes was up, the Wolves said "no thanks, we're not going to continue this, we're going independent". This decision makes them the first non-NHL affiliated team in almost 30 years. Now, this isn't to say all independently-owned AHL teams are doomed to fail in partnerships because of divergent philosophies. Look at the Hershey Bears and the Washington Capitals for a prime example of that - the Bears are one of the best teams in the AHL and have won four Calder Cups with the Caps as their affiliates since their affiliation began in 2005. But the Wolves were quite unhappy with the Canes, and so the two split. Also notable is that the Canes have also poisoned the waters with who should be their local AHL affiliate, the Charlotte Checkers, to the point where the Checkers affiliated with the Panthers instead. So... there's that.

So what can the Canes now do with non-roster players? They can affiliate with another AHL team (co-affiliation); one instance of this was when the Seattle Kraken affiliated with the Charlotte Checkers in 21-22 because the Coachella Valley Firebirds weren't yet ready. Supposedly the plan is to get an affiliate for 24-25. But what do they do this year? Especially if they can't find an affiliate to share, which seems more and more likely as the summer drags on? Well, you can't sign players to two-way deals with the Wolves anymore, so you can't really keep veterans around in the AHL to call up if needed. So you... sign nine defensemen to NHL contracts and carry them on the roster at all times. Yep. Don Waddell, Canes GM, has basically stated outright that his roster is probably going to have to carry 22 or 23 players at all times to be sure to have replacements in case of injury. And your prospects? They either go to Europe, where they're basically inaccessible for the whole year, or you loan them to other AHL clubs. Waddell has said plans are in place with several teams to send 2 or 3 players each to several different AHL clubs. For your youngest, they go back to major junior in the CHL and related leagues. Same for your veterans - if you want to keep them, you'll have to sign them one-way (I believe) and then loan them down to scattered AHL teams across the league. Prospects who you could have signed to play in the AHL and develop? You're probably going to have to let them go to free agency (see: Kevin Wall, leading player for Penn State and Carolina draft pick, who just inked a deal with the Milwaukee Admirals, AHL affiliate of the Nashville Predators). And then you can send your worse prospects to your ECHL tea- wait. Oops. They just lost that too. Can't do that either. Well, shit.

And remember, one of the Canes' biggest assets is their system of play (with strong defense) that they execute well. The Wolves needed to teach their players the Canes' system and prepare them so the jump from AHL to NHL wouldn't be that tough. The Canes put their coaches on the Wolves for that purpose (the Wolves have since cleaned house and instated their own). Loaning your players to another AHL team? Why would that team be incentivized to teach your player(s) the system? So now even when you're calling up someone to play for the Canes, you have no idea how well they know the system and no idea how well they can play in it.

This now begs the other question - how will the Wolves fill their roster? Well, they've got options. Generally, an AHL team takes the prospects of its NHL affiliate and then fills the rest of the roster with AHL veteran free agents that the AHL team signs to AHL-only deals. But without an NHL team, it's a smidge more complicated, or perhaps easier. Firstly, other NHL teams can loan their prospects to the Wolves instead of their own AHL teams if they consider the Wolves better at developing them, for instance. The Wolves can now also sign whatever free agent players they find roaming around that could be a good fit for their team - undrafted college players, good ECHL players that can't seem to get called up enough, AHL veterans, players on European teams (especially Russians who might want the chance to get the fuck out of Russia) and so on. These free agent players could see the Wolves as a stable AHL team that can pay solid money (the AHL doesn't have a cap) with a strong chance at contending for the Calder as well as a possible stepping stone to an NHL contract. The Wolves also don't have to worry about these free agents taking ice time away from the Canes' prospects, who would need to be prioritized under an affiliation, which would also be a strong incentive for AHL free agent veterans to sign with them - they'd be able to get a truly fair chance, unlike under an affiliate system where prospects are the priority and free agents are generally playing fewer (and worse) minutes.

And remember - Chicago just drafted Bedard. The city's getting back into hockey and Hawks tickets are expensive. Want to watch some quality hockey on the cheap? Why not come to Wolves games! They're only 18 miles away from the Hawks, too!

Let's now talk about the ECHL and the Norfolk Admirals. Thankfully, this is going to be a lot simpler. The ECHL, unlike the AHL, has only 28 teams. This means 4 NHL teams don't have an ECHL team. In addition, very few, if any, ECHL teams are owned by their NHL affiliates. This further incentivizes them to play for profit (winning the Kelly Cup, the ECHL version of the Stanley Cup) instead of development. On top of this, relatively few ECHL players actually make it to the NHL. ECHL affiliates change fairly frequently, especially due to many of the teams folding because of financial issues (most recently the Brampton Beast, Manchester Monarchs, and Quad City Mallards). So if an ECHL team decides to drop its NHL affiliate, or vice versa, there are four other suitors, all of whom would probably want to pay the ECHL team decent money to be their associate. For the Admirals, it's easy - they see the Canes lose their AHL affiliate and decide they'd rather take the Jets' offer instead, whether it be for the money (Carolina's supposedly notoriously stingy) or for the security. It's just really fucking funny that it happens at the same time Carolina loses their AHL team. Get fucked lol.

TL;DR stan the Wolves for rejecting the system. Canes Suck.

[carnagechicken]

the Florida Panthers won the Stanley cup

and with that I have officially watched my first season of hockey.

I started as a fan of the penguins with an affection towards Flower as well. Now I’m ending the season a kraken fan, pens fan, flower fan and with more mattdrai interest than I expected.

The kraken stuff happened in mid April really suddenly, but ever since I started dabbling in hockey fandom in late 2021 I knew that becoming a kraken fan was going to happen eventually, a matter of when not if. Those beautiful jerseys, my love of cephalopods, and the team’s newness were strong draws but I still needed to have a special little guy to seal the deal. I discovered Adam Larsson in late march (thanks @angry-geno-is-score your fics* are brilliant<3) and what do you know that’s kraken hockey baby!

They’re probably going to be my main team next season. Still love the pens, their narratives are exquisite, but my brain wants kraken more.

(The mattdrai is a playoffs discovery that I fear I’ll never recover from. Leon’s disdain for the media and Matthew’s understanding that hockey is supposed to be theatre entertainment is *chef’s kiss*)

And with that here is a list, in no particular order, of some of notable things I saw this season,

: Tristan Jarry goalie goal!!! There was so much to like about this, the bench reaction, EK shaking Jars vigorously, Lars Eller going for a head boop and missing and then going for another one with more force, Ned trying to get Jars to skate over to do a fist bump line at the bench, Jars looking so bashful at the attention. :When Bryan Rust had that mustache and it was….kinda working. : Jeff Carter, the team Old Man that season, scoring like 3 breakaways and 2 short handed goals. : that shootout that went for 12 rounds (thank you Ned). : when Tanger got on all fours and started rocking back and forth in the locker room during Sully’s pre game speech (seriously wtf). : when Rusty scored in OT, had it waved off, and like ten seconds later scored again in a cooler way. : Sully becoming a grandpa<3. : when Jeff was a healthy scratch (the only time) and when he was asked about it was basically like ‘whatever, it doesn’t bother me, I just work here’. This was when I really started to like him btw. : Flower getting to 1000 games!! : Flower reaching the most wins!!! : kreider pulling out Matthew Tkachuk’s mouth guard and failing to throw it over the glass. : Florida beating Boston *again*. : that game were Sid got so pissed he screamed ‘no! No!’ at a ref so loud you could hear him over the crowd. He then proceeded to tell the ref ‘you fucked up’ :when Erik Karlsson made a mistake that sent the game to ot, scored in ot and then fell to his knees in relief. : that 10 to 2 victory over the sharks that was also Sid’s 1200 game. : sid scoring a goal off his ass. It had to happen one day : the pens ot win against vancouver back in Feb. The notable thing was that I was there with my dad and sisters <3

It's the little things that make hockey so fun!

Here's to a wonderful 24/25 season!

(*Seriously, if you haven't already, read Serenity in Those Deep Waters by @angry-geno-is-score on ao3, it's *fabulously* emotional and I can't recommend it enough)

[bongaboi]

Florida Panthers: 2024 Stanley Cup Champions

SUNRISE, Fla. -- Crisis averted. The Florida Panthers are Stanley Cup champions.

"So special," Panthers forward Matthew Tkachuk said. "I don't think we realize what we've just accomplished just yet. Every time I look at that trophy it'll get better and better."

Carter Verhaeghe had a goal and an assist, Sam Reinhart scored, and Sergei Bobrovsky made 23 saves for the Panthers, who defeated the Edmonton Oilers 2-1 in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final at Amerant Bank Arena on Monday.

The Panthers, who joined the NHL for the 1993-94 season, won their first Stanley Cup championship in their fourth chance to get it in this series. They lost the previous three games after taking a 3-0 lead and were in jeopardy of becoming the first team since 1942 to lose four straight potential clinching games in the Stanley Cup Final.

"To become a true champion you have to overcome adversity, and that was the moment you have to get together and get the job done," Bobrovsky said. "We weren't afraid to make a mistake. We played with freedom. We attacked."

Florida coach Paul Maurice finally won a Stanley Cup championship after coaching the most games in NHL history before his first title with 1,985 (1,848 in the regular season, 137 in the Stanley Cup Playoffs). He also improved to 5-0 in Game 7 for his NHL career.

Mattias Janmark scored, and Stuart Skinner made 19 saves for the Oilers. Connor McDavid, who led the NHL with 42 points (eight goals, 34 assists) in the playoffs, was held off the score sheet. So was Leon Draisaitl, who was limited to no goals and three assists in the Final.

McDavid still won the Conn Smythe Trophy as the most valuable player in the playoffs. He is the sixth player to win it while playing for the losing team and the first since goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere for the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim in 2003. Anaheim lost the Cup Final to the New Jersey Devils in seven games.

"It goes back the character of the group that we showed all year long," said McDavid, the Edmonton captain. "We showed all year long that we could fight back even in the most dire situations. It's obviously tough to be down three and it's tough to win four in a row against a team like that, but we were right there."

It was the first time since 1945 that a Stanley Cup Final went the distance after a team took a 3-0 lead. That season, the Detroit Red Wings won Games 4, 5 and 6 to tie the Final before losing 2-1 to the Toronto Maple Leafs in Game 7.

Edmonton was trying to become the first team since the 1941-42 Maple Leafs to pull off the reverse sweep, winning Games 4-7 after losing Games 1-3. It was also trying to become the first Canada-based team to win the Stanley Cup since the Montreal Canadiens in 1993.

But the Panthers responded after being outscored 18-5 in Games 4-6 to stop the Oilers from making history in Game 7.

"It's tough to put into words right now," Draisaitl said. "You’re one period, one shot away from maybe winning the thing and now you have to go through 82 regular-season games and play well enough to get another kick at it. It's hard right now."

Bobrovsky, who allowed 12 goals on 58 shots in the three previous games (5.06 goals-against average, .793 save percentage), made five saves in the first period, nine in the second and nine more in the third.

He said getting away from the rink Sunday and not skating in the Panthers' practice allowed him to reset and refocus for Game 7.

"I was trying to cut off everything outside of myself, to just settle down, relax and focus on one shot at a time," Bobrovsky said. "I think it was a great moment that I didn't skate yesterday. The goalie coach came up with the idea to just have a rest, go away. I went home and played with my daughter. She's my motivation. She's my inspiration. Just relax, reset, come this morning for the morning skate ready to go."

The Panthers scored the first goal for the first time since Game 3.

They never trailed.

"They played with freedom and that's what I'm going to remember from this game," Maurice said. "The story gets written differently if we don't win, but under the most pressure they found the courage to play with some freedom, to make plays, to move the puck.

"They get to say, 'In Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, I was at my best.'"

Verhaeghe gave the Panthers a 1-0 lead at 4:27 of the first period, six seconds after their first power play of the game expired.

He played the puck from behind the net to Evan Rodrigues along the left wall, and Rodrigues whipped a shot from there to the net. It looked like it was going wide right, but Verhaeghe got his stick on it in front, deflecting it down and through Skinner's legs.

It was Verhaeghe's first goal since Game 1 and the first time the Panthers led since Game 3.

"The last couple games they scored so many goals off the hop, and to play with the lead, it felt good," Verhaeghe said.

The Oilers got the goal back quickly with Janmark scoring on a breakaway to make it 1-1 at 6:44.

"I thought they were the better team in the first period," Edmonton coach Kris Knoblauch said. "I thought they came out with a little more urgency and won a lot of puck races. I thought we defended well. I thought in the second and the third period, I thought we found our game, I thought we played well, but couldn't capitalize on our opportunities."

Instead, it was Reinhart giving Florida a 2-1 lead at 15:11 of the second period, scoring with a low, short-side shot from inside the right face-off circle.

Florida defenseman Dmitry Kulikov cleared the puck away from the Panthers crease before he fell into the net. The puck went to Verhaeghe, who moved it up to Reinhart.

Reinhart was looking for a pass as he went through the neutral zone and across the blue line, but eventually chose to shoot, and the puck squeezed through Skinner to give Florida its second lead of the game.

"You're hoping that's it, right?" Reinhart said. "I mean, there was a lot of work to do, a lot of game left, but absolutely I'm hoping that's the one."

Bobrovsky said from there he treated the rest of the game like it was overtime.

"I wasn't happy when they scored [on] a breakaway because we had a good lead," he said, "but Sam scores the second goal and I was thinking it's better to not let that go."

McDavid and Zach Hyman each had a look at what was an open net for the Oilers with just over seven minutes left in the third period, but neither could get enough of the puck.

Sam Bennett and Brandon Montour dove into the crease to help Bobrovsky keep the puck out of the net on Hyman's attempt, preserving Florida's lead at 12:56.

Skinner went to the bench for the extra skater with 1:10 left, but the Oilers couldn't get another shot attempt.

"We really believed we were going to get one," McDavid said. "I have that one in front, Zach has a whack at it, 'Bouch' (Evan Bouchard) has got all kinds of looks. We had a lot of looks, it just didn’t go."

The Panthers froze the puck in the corner for the last six seconds to win the Stanley Cup.

"The last three games before you're hoping," Reinhart said. "You're hoping you're in it and you have a chance at the end. That's a dangerous spot to be in against a team like that and it showed. That hope went away tonight, and we were able to find our game. It showed."

[naanima]

One of the interesting things about reading and listening to so much hockey media stuff is that there's a HIGH chance of them being WRONG about teams & players, or just being wrong. A list of things that I remember the hockey specialists have been wrong about in the past year or two.

Matthew Tkachuk trade & the Panthers' narrative - ALMOST everyone said it was a bad trade for Florida, that Calgary won. That they shouldn't have given up Huberdeau et al. That Tkachuk was only good bcos of the line he was playing on during his time in Calgary. Now - face of a franchise, team darling, came back from a broken sternum & now killing it now.

The Panthers are bad, they are done for, they are a wildcard, they will get swept by Boston etc 22-23. Stanley Cup Finalist 22-23, top ranking team 23-24, one of the Cup favs. And the Flames. Yeah.

The Oilers at the beginning of this season - THEY ARE DEAD, THEY ARE DONE ETC. Now - STANLEY CUP CONTENDERS!

The Flyers are gonna tank! Flyers are in a playoff spot (23-24), whether they keep it or not is another question. BUT NO one thought they would be as high as they are now.

Boston is gonna be bad in 22-23, Boston highest regular season performances 22-23. Losing their captain and some top players will mean they will slide substantially backwards. STILL one of the TOP teams 23-24.

The Devils are not ready yet 22-23, makes it to the second round of the playoffs. The Devils are HERE 23-24! Fighting for a wildcard position that's not looking too hot.

The Canucks are not great 22-23, they have so many problems. Here's hoping they make minor improvements in 23-24. The Canucks top 3 teams of the fucking league 23-24.

The Ducks are going to be a much better team! The Ducks are NOT a better team oh gods.

The Sharks will tank! OMFG the Sharks are so MUCH WORSE than tanking.

The Sens are gonna be a STANLEY CUP CONTENDING TEAM, a playoffs team at least! The Sens are not either of those things.

Duchene is bad news, a locker room cancer! Duchene fucking lighting it up in Dallas! Providing that spark for Seguin & Marchment!

Buffalo Sabres have arrived! Buffalo Sabres have NOT arrived, they have missed their appointment by years.

Red Wings - the rebuild is over! ... The rebuild is what it is.

The Blackhawks will be bad but they got Bedard and some support they will be ok-bad! The Blackhawks are the first mathematically team to be locked out of the playoffs.

The Pens will be a middling team! The Pens are shit. They are dead, there's no future for them etc etc (as a Pens fan I'm delusional in thinking we are gonna WIN the 24-25 Cup).

I feel like this is sort of the tip of the iceberg. Yeah, the hockey media gets a lot of things right. But OMFG the IMPORTANT things they fucking get wrong every season is insane. ALL the teams I mentioned could potentially have a reversal the next season. Bcos hockey is a weird and unpredictable sport a lot of the time!

When unexpected things happen hockey media try and push it into a nice thematically appealing narrative when the story shifts on them. We are all guilty of this.

For all the depressed hockey fans out there, just remember, you NEVER know, your team/player could suddenly become the story that the hockey world gets wrong!

[andrebearakovsky]

If each of the remaining playoff teams won the Cup this year, ranked by how fun it would be (for me personally)

1. Florida Panthers

I want this so bad. I adore Sasha Barkov (and Vladi Tarasenko) and I think this is a really, really good team that I would love to see win. They were so, so close last year, and I want to see them do it. I want the rat team to win their first ever Cup. And plus, could you imagine the cunty energy Matthew Tkachuk would have if he got to parade around with the Stanley Cup? Unmatched.

2. Vancouver Canucks

If the Cup goes back to Canada, I want it to be to this team. The turnaround this year was amazing, they’ve got great energy, and I’d like to see that core group win it together. And based on what happened in 2011, if they finally won their first ever Cup I think the city of Vancouver might actually go feral and tear itself apart. Plus, I need Quinn to win the Cup before Jack and Luke do for oldest sibling rights.

3. Nashville Predators

The team no one thought could do it making a gritty push and winning it all would be a great story. And it would be nice to see like Josi and Forsberg win it after coming so close a couple years ago. And the party in Nashville would be epic. And I think they’d be legally obligated to both A) go to the sphere and B) get U2 to perform at like the Cup parade if they win it.

4. Toronto Maple Leafs

While I am not necessarily rooting for them, seeing them finally break that curse would be something historic to see. They have NO Cups since the original expansion, and all the other original 6 teams have won at least one since then, so they have the longest current Cup drought despite technically having a lot of Cups. And if they’re gonna do it, they NEED to slay their personal demon (Bruins) along the way to get it done. I’m not sure if they’re strong enough, but if they can actually come back and win this round maybe that’ll give them the power to get it done. We’ll see.

5. Dallas Stars

I don’t really like this team, but they’re less annoying to me then they used to be and a good chunk of them have been there for a long time so that would be nice for them.

Okay actually I’m gonna stop lying to myself, I just want it for Joe Pavelski. I might cry if he won it tbh. But in that situation I would be rooting for Joe Pavelski and Joe Pavelski only.

6. Edmonton Oilers

While maybe it would be nice to see McDavid win it someday, I think he needs to suffer a little bit longer. MY team was halfway in the grave when they finally won it, so I think he should be too. It’s not time yet. Also this team is fucking annoying, the fan base can be fucking annoying, and the goal horn is anxiety-inducing. And you guys have like a bunch of Cups from the 80s so like. Shut up.

7. Colorado Avalanche

While not the worst of the options, it would not be the outcome I want. It’s been too soon since the last one I would just be annoyed. So many of them are still there. And they don’t even have Gabe this time, so what’s the point? They’re the only one remaining without their captain playing, and I don’t think it would be right.

8. Boston Bruins

While this is an entirely different group of Bruins from the last time they won, and while it would be cool to see Pasta win and Marchand to lift it as captain, my general hatred of Bruins and Boston sports does NOT want this to happen.

9. Carolina Hurricanes

They have a few things going for them: 1) Having the captain who won their first Cup as a player win their second Cup as the head coach would be super cool, and seeing Rod win as a coach would be cool. 2) I love Sebastian Aho and the former Caps they’ve got. But they’ve got some of the worst humans on their roster (DeAngelo and Lemieux) and they are incredibly fucking annoying, and the cons greatly outweigh the pros, so it’s a no from me dawg.

10. Vegas Golden Knights

You guys JUST fucking won it. I have exactly zero “oh it would be nice to see them win” feelings for anyone on this team. And you’re really damn annoying and I’m tired of you go away.

11. New York Rangers

I just really really really fucking hate this team, fuck you 🖕

[analytics-from-the-underground]

the anatomy of a stanley cup winning team

NEW NHL SEASON!!!! WE ARE SO BACK!!!!!!

in memoriam of last season, i would like to look at why the edmonton oilers lost game 7 of the scf to the florida panthers on june 24, 2024.

apologies to oilers fans and let's get after it.

an nhl dot com article says the oilers lost because of these 5 reasons: 1. slow start; 2. power play struggles; 3. "Draisaitl went cold" (i do not know what this means); 4. McDavid was shut down; 5. "too generous" (i also do not know what that last one means).

i digress. but let's look at some team averages and player attributes that are, overall, utterly irrelevant to actually playing hockey.

information i used:

age

nationality

height

weight

letters in name

name

some of this matters, some of it does not.

i have all of the real data on the stuff relevant to playing hockey. maybe i'll make a nice tableau spread some time. that time is not now.

how i did this:

all the names inscribed on the stanley cup are available on the nhl's website in this fun interactive thing where you can zoom in on it. and for your perusal, some general information about the history of engraving the Stanley Cup can be found in this espn article here: The Ultimate Stanley Cup.

there is no website i could find that lists every person engraved on the cup. i ended up squinting at the interactive cup and typing the names as i read. i may have forgotten a few. i am simply 1 person doing my best.

i did not use rosters since not everyone on every roster is engraved on the cup. if i did every roster, this silly project would be even more time consuming. (i have some other analytics things, but i'll see how this goes first)

all of the players' stats - height, weight, age, etc. is true at the time they won the cup. their nationality (labeled as "Country") is their country of birth.

you will notice i did not include the 2020 tampa bay lightning. this is intentional. because of how wacky that entire year was, it is difficult to compare that stanley cup playoff and final to any other. congratulations to everyone on the 2020 lightning, but you are all the ultimate outlier.

now that we have all of that out of the way. if you're still reading, thanks for hanging on.............

data time data time data time

there are 66 players whose names begin with the letter J, followed by M (59), D (47), and A (46).

14 are named Matt

these are the teams’ average age, age of youngest player, and age of oldest player. teams are listed in alphabetical order.

quartiles, if you care about that sort of thing.

teams sorted by youngest average age to oldest average age:

there are 21 countries represented by players on the stanley cup. using the roughest statistics ever.....we can divide the total quantity of players per country by 18 (representing the 18 teams) to find the average number of canadians, americans, etc. on each team each year.

average height and weight of stanley cup winning teams.

what is funny is the 2023-2024 edmonton oilers do not fit some of these parameters. see below

average age of the 23-24 edmonton oilers was 29.46, which is older than the average stanley cup winning team by about 2 years.

there are 17 canadians; 3 more than the average. however they do have someone named "Mattias" if we want to consider him a "Matt." they would do well to add more J-names, too.

i'm considering making a nice pretty tableau viz with all of this instead of my pivot tables and boring bar graphs.

special thanks to microsoft excel and tableau for making my computer's fans go crazy.

see you soon!

[rjm773]

During Game 7 of this year’s Stanley Cup Final, I went around the corner to a burger and beer place that I knew had alternatives for both: a necessity for a wheat (a what?) a wheat (a what?) a wheat intolerance (oh no!) BUT not an allergy (okay, that’s good).

I met a technician about my age - a Patrick, actually, who lives a block north from me - whom I don’t think was all the way up on the game, hockey or otherwise, but he seemed to enjoy having had to move from Philadelphia to New York as a blue collar guy.

I also met a university professor of some stripe; I would assume Columbia or CCNY, but he didn’t say where he taught. He kept complimenting me on various counterpoints I brought up; I’m sure whatever I think is a righteous way to approach things will be obsolete soon enough if it isn’t already, but I wasn’t all the way here for his repeated mentions of

To wit: I thought it telling that older, alleged professor gentleman at the bar (TV’s still out at home) that his self-proclaimed large nose was not enough for Dolly Parton to have propositioned him at some hotel in LA in 1975.

After bragging about his Hollywood contacts for half an hour while talking about how much he didn’t know hockey anymore, he went on a diatribe about how much he hates it. No doubt! And yet: to proclaim Chicago White Sox fandom in order to get that baseball game on the TV over GAME 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals? That’s for another day, friend. Take a look at my life: I’m a lot like you, but not enough to cede to horrid affairs such as yours.

Anyway, you know what happened. The (fully vegan, courtesy of a current stomach situation) burger was great, and the Florida Panthers won a Cup. Here’s to a half-decade of teams that will soon be under water!

Bitter? No. Harsh, maybe. Butter! Smooth. LGR.

[blusical]

honestly anyone who's still complaining that mcdavid won the conn smythe instead of a florida panther needs to remember that the conn smythe is awarded to the Playoffs MVP. Playoffs. Not the Stanley Cup Finals Winner MVP. Not the Best Player on the Cup Winning Team MVP. The Playoffs MVP.

[imperatorrrrr]

mayhaps, you're wondering, "hey T, who are you rooting for in the 'yoffs anyhow?"

well...

Carolina Hurricanes v. New York Islanders - New York Islanders. They are an acceptable Metro team, and we can all agree the Rags suck, which is a massive plus point in my eyes. And I mean, why in the world would I ever root for the Canes. I'm a Devils fan, let's be serious for a moment.

Boston Bruins v. Toronto Maple Leafs - Boston Bruins. Look, the Bruins are in my top three most hated teams, and the Leafs are in the following tier. To me the Leafs are just Canada's Yankees. AM34 is just another Derek Jeter variant. If it wasn't made clear, I am a Mets fan, and I've been a Mets fan longer than I've been a Devils fan and I've been a Devils fan for over two decades. You'd think given that logic, I'd choose the team I hated less, which would be the Leafs, but nope. I mean, I want to pick neither. I would rather pick neither. Don't ask me to explain my brain. It is what it is.

Florida Panthers v. Tampa Bay Lightning - Florida Panthers. This is almost purely because I've been Catspilled by the Discord. Do you understand how much I viscerally disliked the Panthers up until mere months ago. I still don't actually like them, but I wouldn't be upset if they won, so there. Sigh. Thanks, I hate it. Another match up where I'd rather have neither. Another matchup of hated teams.

New York Rangers v. Washington Capitals - Washington Capitals. For one series only, I am a Caps believer. When I tell you, I dislike the Caps so heavily, so so so deeply. Its so historic. But you know what team I hate the most ever because they're cops...the Rags. So this is actually so incredibly straightforward. Anyone but the Rags is the policy here on imperatorrrrr dot tumblr dot com. The East is mostly just unwatchable for me and mostly just filled with matchups of teams I hate.

Winnipeg Jets v. Colorado Avalanche - Colorado Avalanche. This is easy. Fuck the Jets. I like the Avs.

Vancouver Canucks v. Nashville Predators - Vancouver Canucks. This is the team I am rooting for to go all the way. This is the team I have transferred all of my Devils emotions onto. This is the team that I have chosen. Fun fact tho! I actually wouldn't be entirely mad about the Preds making it either, but the Nuckies are my playoff team. They're also like my third favorite team, so.

Dallas Stars v. Vegas Golden Knights - Dallas Stars. Like I think I'm in the pipeline to become a full fledged Stars fan, but I'm not completely there yet, ya feel? In the meantime tho, definitely rooting for them against Vegas. Here's the thing, fuck Vegas right. Like fuck 'em. Here's policy numero dos here on imperatorrrrr dot tumblr dot come: anyone but the Knights.

Edmonton Oilers v. Los Angeles Kings - Los Angeles Kings. Another lesser of two evils situation here. Kings dislike is historic as in 2012 Stanley Cup Playoffs historic right. Oilers hatred is more visceral? More of the moment? I'm softening on my Kings historic dislike. I mean look at me, I'm rooting for the Avs. Do you understand that any Devils fan worth their salt in the early 2000s absolutely did not like the Avs? And look at me now! So yeah, this is mostly I don't want the Oils to win, so the Kings it is! Oh, here's a west coast matchup of hated teams. Some variety in the mix!

there you have it folks! a rooting summary for Round One for those interested!

[squidsquadlove]

Holy fuck this is incredible work, giving a narrative of the top four from the 2015 draft class (Connor McDavid, Jack Eichel, Dylan Strome, Mitch Marner) and what happened in the eight years after.

It also REALLY shows off why Connor and Jack are two of my current primary blorbos. Speaking of which, I have got to get more on the page for the November project...

---

I haven't gone to see if there's a postscript based on the happenings of the 2023 Stanley Cup Finals and the offseason, but what a head rush thinking of how things stood as this post ends.

The Leafs had just had their postseason breakup with Kyle Dubas, who would be hired as President of Hockey Operations for Pittsburgh within a week or two, bringing his assistant, Jason Spezza (remember him from the story about Mike Babcock earlier?), with him. The Leafs would then hire Brad Treliving to replace Dubas. Treliving had just left the Flames in what most saw as a conflict with their head coach at the time, Daryl Sutter, whose position as a locker room cancer deserves its own narrative post. Treliving's philosophy for how to improve the Leafs is currently playing out with dismal results, if not in the standings then certainly in the interpersonal "grit" so many Leafs uncles (as in "your uncle who's a Leaf fan") hoped to see.

Jack Eichel went on to win the Cup, but he did more than that in the final round. Going up against the Cinderella story that was the Florida Panthers, a team that only squeaked into the playoffs at all through a single game (lost by Pittsburgh, won by Chicago) that had monumental results for all three teams, Eichel and the Knights continued their rough, physical playstyle, and when Matthew Tkachuk laid an open-ice hit on Eichel that coincided with a toe pick that sent Eichel dropping downward toward Tkachuk's shoulder, Eichel's entire medical team as well as his agent looked on in horror as the hit took Eichel down so hard that he lost his helmet in the fall. Eichel got up, cursing vividly, and rushed off the ice -- one is required to do so if the helmet can't be immediately re-secured -- as well as rushing down the tunnel. It was the kind of hit that made any number of people wonder if Eichel's neck surgery would hold.

Eichel was back on the ice almost immediately. He'd only had the wind knocked out of him. The surgery had held, and Eichel was still healthy, still playing well, still able to compete at the top of his game. He is still receiving texts from other hockey players who are grateful to him for paving the way for others to get artificial disk replacement instead of fusion surgery, a choice that may improve quality of life for players for the rest of their lives, not just their hockey careers. For a non-negligible number of patients, fusion surgery is more properly described as a first fusion surgery: a substantial fraction of people need a second, and even a third, surgery afterwards, in order to retain movement and freedom from nerve pain. The number of patients who need additional surgery after artificial disk replacement is much smaller.

Connor spent nearly the entire summer with best friend Leon Draisaitl, who spent a few weeks in Europe before returning to train with Connor's Toronto trainer and attend Biosteel Camp with him. The two of them mentored Connor Bedard together at Biosteel Camp, and then went on to have a highly successful preseason together-- their highly-paid, sensitive, prone to crises of confidence (that lead to crises on the ice) backup goalie looked like he was going to have a bounce-back year. And then the regular season started, and about all that's going well for the Oilers is that Connor and Leon are still absurdly talented (when Connor's not playing injured; he was out for a week or so with an upper-body injury about which we know nothing).

Mitch's wedding was indeed one of the highlights of the summer; in fact, Mitch was also a star guest at various other weddings over the summer. He's having a slow start to the season, and is still being talked about as if he's the best trade target of the Leafs' "core four" (Mitch, Auston, Tavares, and Nylander, who has yet to sign a contract for next year)-- but good luck with that now that his no-trade clause has kicked in.

It's also possible that Mitch feasted on a little schadenfreude over the summer, because before the season started, Mike Babcock-- attempting to make a return to the NHL after his Leafs contract finally expired-- lost his job before training camp could even get started. (Another turn of events that deserves its own post.)

Dylan Strome is still proving valuable to the Washington Capitals. Niklas Backstrom is stepping away from the team as he questions what his future's going to look like; it seems like his hip hasn't really come back fully from the surgery. Strome is now centering Ovi's line, with Backstrom gone for the foreseeable future. If Ovechkin is going to break Gretzky's goal record-- and for the first time, it's starting to seem like an "if" and not a "when"-- it might very well be with a Strome assist.

would you actually be willing to give like a pretty long rundown of those main guys from the 2015 draft class?? because i would be Very interested

Of course! I wrote this in a Google doc so I could get it all down. It's a LOT btw -- this is the abridged version, leaving out what are probably important details, and it's still [checks] 11k words long. Sorry about that.

Anyone who tells you that the draft is a science is an idiot not worth their twenty-dollar stadium beer. The draft has analytical elements, sure, but it is a crapshoot through and through. If you dare to take a look back on draft histories from the past ten years -- the past twenty, the past thirty -- only rarely is the first pick, the “best in show,” actually the best of his class. I mean, no wonder, right? How well can you determine how good a man is going to be at hockey when you have only seen him as a teenager? Accuracy and prophecy are not kin.

Every ten years, though, you come across someone whose trajectory is easy to map. A prospect who is so head and shoulders above everyone else -- in numbers, in the eye test -- that you cannot help but say that they are going to be The Next One. God save the poor boy you put that name on.

In this case, it is 2014, and they are speaking those words again. On the dingy ice of an OHL arena, a red-haired Toronto boy with scared fawn’s eyes paces around the circles, faster than anyone else in the building. There are articles written about him already, calling his experience the torture test and labelling him Jesus, the saviour, the new great. It will get worse for him from here.

A Generational Prospect

It is 2004, and all eyes are on Sidney Crosby. He has eclipsed QMJHL scoring records. He performs highlight-reel antics. It is known that he will make the NHL as a teenager, and that whichever team has him will have an asset they should not ever think to relinquish.

Now, in 2023, all expectations of him are blown away. He is fifteenth on the all-time scoring list, having played most of his life in the dead-puck era, and will be inside the top ten by the time he retires. He has never been below a point per game, having gotten to a hundred points as an eighteen-year-old rookie and only slowed down to ninety at thirty-five. He has won three Cups; two Harts; two each Art Ross and Rocket Richard.

Something similar can be said for his contemporary, one Alex Ovechkin, sixteenth in all-time scoring, second ever in goals. While neither were always the most singular, dominant player of the past eighteen years (has it really been that long?) their longevity and consistent high-level play have cemented them into that tier of all-time greats. 

Such players only emerge once (or, for them, twice) in a generation; a “generational talent.” Gordie Howe was the first, before drafting happened at all, then Gretzky, joined as a part of the WHA merger, then Lemieux, then, debatably, Jagr through the early half of the dead-puck era, then Crosby and Ovechkin. Jagr was drafted fifth overall partly due to political constraints (it was 1990, and Czechia was behind the Iron Curtain), but all of the other drafted ones went first. While development curves for everyone else are hard to map, it is easy to tell, for them, how good they are as youths. We all call Gretzky the “Great One,” but he actually got that nickname before he was a teenager, because of how much better than the rest of his peers he was.

This is how we go up to the 2015 draft. Let’s say that it is September 2014, a full hockey season before the draft, so we can set the scene. Go back to the dingy Erie rink, watch the red-haired boy speed around the ice.

This is Connor McDavid. He was born in January just outside Toronto; if you are unfamiliar with the term “GTA,” I will pause now to tell you that it means Greater Toronto Area, and that it is the nexus of all hockey in the world. He is a Leafs fan, as so many of the GTA hockey-playing hopefuls are. 

Connor is an unusual child, even by young hockey prospect standards. Entry to any of the CHL major junior leagues -- the OHL, the WHL, the QMJHL -- starts at sixteen, but select few can apply early, and if they are academically, physically, and emotionally deemed adept they can be accepted for exceptional status and join at fifteen. This happens once every two or three years nowadays; Tavares and Ekblad were the only ones to predate McDavid. As well as being deemed exceptional by the board of the CHL, he is exceptional among peers, too: intelligent and analytical, black-and-white, painfully shy. He works hard in school, desperate to avoid coming off as a “dumb jock.” Media interviewers ask for him, but they have to change the settings on their microphones in order to pick up his voice, it is so soft. 

He has already won trophies; scholastic achievement, sportsmanlike behaviour, CHL rookie of the year. He will score at least one point in all but one of the first eighteen games of the 2014-15 OHL season, before breaking his hand in a fight (getting himself a Gordie Howe hatty, being that he already has a goal and an assist). He will score a hundred points in thirty-eight games, and a hundred and twenty points in the forty-seven games he will play.

Understandably, his name is penned in at number one on the draft board. Even such deficits as breaking a hand and being out for six weeks don’t tank his stock, it is so obvious how well on track he is to outpace all but the best.

He is sweet and shy, a captain of Erie based mostly on skill, and tight-laced into the destiny of future franchise saviour.

At least he has a friend, though, right?

Dylan

The 2014-15 Erie Otters are a good team. A great one, even -- third in league standings by season’s end, and you don’t get that far if your single generational superstar is sidelined half the year with a hand injury.

This is where Dylan comes in. Like Connor, he’s a GTA boy, and a young Leafs fan. Unlike Connor, he’s part of a serious hockey family -- the middle child of three. His older brother Ryan has already been drafted, in the first round, no less. He’s a real student of the game, too, a stats obsessive and a calm, steadfast personality. 

Remember how we said the draft is a crapshoot? That’s very true. Prospects may have precise rankings when all is said and done, but in the meantime I find it best thinking of them as instead arranging into tiers -- there’s the generational talent in this year, but disregarding him we have a first overall-level, then a small handful of top prospects. Not saviours in their entirety, but certain to make a team very happy. Dylan projects as the latter group -- he’ll be somewhere between three and five. In 2014-15, he’s the OHL scoring leader, and takes the Erie Otters’ single-season record.

He and Connor are also best friends. Connor’s quiet, anxious even, but Dylan has a coolheaded sort of confidence that brings out the best in him. Rarely are they pictured without each other; rarely are they spoken to without mentioning the other. There’s a sweet little video out there of the Otters going to New York state and going on this little ziplining/outdoor climbing gym, and Connor and Dylan are about as glued to each other’s sides as you can be while obeying the harness safety rules. In hockey terms, while a little young for it, they’re married. Much like Crosby and Malkin are, although over a much shorter term, and publically the two Otters are much closer.

Dylan is the one I feel as if I can talk the least about. He is mostly defined by what he is not: not Connor, to start, and before the actual draft takes place that is the most of it. 

Of course, that’s the most of what any of it is, isn’t it? These are teenagers, separated into imprecise tiers and mostly defined by which tier they slot into. The three boys below Connor, no matter how good they are, are defined by being not Connor.

Jack Eichel most of all.

Jack, to start, is American, unlike any of the other three. He’s a late birthday -- born in November of 1996 instead of  the first eight and a half months of 1997 -- so he’s, in theory, had another year to adapt. (Brief footnote: the September 15 cutoff is what determines draft eligibility, either the year you turn eighteen or the year you turn nineteen. If you were born in, say, June of 2000, you would be eligible for the draft in 2018. If you had the audacity to be born in October of 2000 instead, you’d have to wait until 2019.) His development pipeline is also unlike the others, having come up into the NCAA, college hockey, and playing at the US National Development team before committing to Boston University. He won the Hobey Baker award as a freshman, and led the NCAA in scoring as a rookie.

He was marketed, coming into the draft, as the American Connor -- the new face of American hockey, a homegrown star, a fellow generational talent, although that was a feeble marketing strategy to dull the disappointment of going second to greatness. He was proud and polite, quiet but not scared, a young man uncomfortably aware of his own myth and rather irritated at the fact he had a myth in the first place. Taken in and treated well, he would probably have a well-suited disposition to a high-stress, playoff-bound team.

It’s unfortunate that that wouldn’t realize until eight years after he was drafted.

The Draft Itself, or, What Caused All These Problems In The First Place

The draft lottery rolls around. The lottery and the draft take place on different days -- the lottery several weeks before, so that for a long time the boys have an idea of to whom they will go. The first four teams to pick are, in order:

Edmonton. Edmonton had been very bad, for a very long time, and had three shiny prizes already to show for it: Taylor Hall, drafted first overall in 2010; Nail Yakupov, drafted first overall in 2012; and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, drafted first overall in 2013. I’m sure you already know this, but Edmonton was Gretzky’s team, while Gretzky won all his cups, and they now stand to get themselves another generational talent in Connor McDavid.

Buffalo. The Sabres have a few decent pieces: Ryan O’Reilly, Sam Reinhart. They haven’t made the playoffs in a few years, and have plummeted to the bottom of the standings, finishing thirtieth out of thirty.

Arizona. Arizona has never gotten off the ground, not once. They are a dust mote of a franchise, held in place by Gary Bettman’s fragile ego and the skimmings of Original Six markets. Their survival, as doomed as we know it is, is banking on a distant hope of good prospect luck and better PDO.

Toronto. While Arizona is the smallest of small markets, Toronto is… well, it’s Toronto. Remember earlier, how I said that the GTA is the nexus of hockey? Toronto is called the Centre of the Universe, and for good goddamn reason. The Leafs are one of the most storied franchises in the NHL, and simultaneously one of the winningest (the second-most Stanley Cups, after Montreal) and the losingest (their most recent Cup was almost sixty years ago.) Their fanbase dwarfs all but the most hardcore of French Canadian separatist contingents. There’s a common phrase now, when any hockey news is mentioned -- but how does this affect the Leafs? It’s well-done satire.

And with four teams, we have four boys. So I come upon the last one now: Mitch Marner. Mitch, like Dylan and Connor, is a GTA boy, a born and raised Leafs fan on an OHL team. He plays for the London Knights -- a diminutive forward (he weighs in at 160 pounds soaking wet at eighteen, and eight years later barely cracks 180) with fantastic playmaking skills, the creativity and gall to do things other players have never even thought of. He’s a sweet one, too, bubbly and energetic and cuddly and kind.

Here is how the draft goes:

The Oilers take the stage first, for the fourth time in six years. The ceremony is unnecessary. Connor McDavid is the name everyone knows they will say. Connor walks up to the stage, looking vaguely nauseous, and dons the jersey and the hat. (His facial expression in the interviews afterward is thoroughly dissected over the next eight years. Some say it’s simple stage fright; others say it’s personal distaste for the Oilers -- remember, Toronto boy, Toronto heart. I choose to believe it’s the first one. Not all of us are John Tavares.)

After a first-round prospect is chosen, they bring him down for an interview, then shuffle him off to some arena underbelly for photos upon photos. Connor performs his niceties, but before he is taken back, he asks to stay. He wants to watch Dylan get drafted.

The Buffalo Sabres come second, and pick Jack Eichel. Eichel is asked, throughout, how he feels about Connor, being behind Connor, coming second to Connor. The narrative being pushed is called McEichel -- the Canadian wunderkind versus the American one -- and he wants no part in it. He’s impressed by Connor’s play, in their few brief meetings he thinks of him as nice enough, he wants to carve out his own path.

This refusal to play along may have been the start of the discontent, in hindsight. The media clearly wasn’t going to get anything out of soft-voiced scared-eyed perfect Canadian boy Connor, but Jack, sharper edges and colder heart, might be good for a soundbite or two about this new league-made rivalry. Jack, though, ever aware, puts himself solidly into Generic Hockey Interview voice and backs off.

The Coyotes come third. Here is where a choice occurs, the first genuine decision. Connor McDavid had been slotted into first pick since the day he got accepted for exceptional status. Eichel had taken a few years more, but his place in second after Connor was well known for months on end. Dylan and Mitch, however, were up in the air. Do you pick the big one with more points, or the small one with star power?

The Coyotes follow the conventional hockey wisdom, and take the big boy. Connor waits to watch his friend take the jersey, then hugs him in the wings.

Finally, the Leafs.

Let’s actually take a step back to talk about the Leafs rebuild, for a second, because it, like everything the Leafs have ever done, is a testament to failure. Also, somewhat, because it is relevant. Also, moreso, because I can’t shut up about hockey and you’ve asked me to talk as long as I like. If you’re still reading, I want you to know that a) I am ever thankful for your time and b) we’re, like, just getting started here.

The Leafs’ last contending era was before the 04-05 lockout season, which means it predates the salary cap. They struggled in the midsection, for a long time, then finally fell enough to gain the fifth overall pick in 2008, with which they selected a big tough young defenceman named Luke Schenn, the first official piece of the Leafs’ rebuild, strange as it may be. Luke, while competent enough, was obviously not the sort of franchise-changing star the Leafs needed, and they struggled in the midsection again, before gaining, once more, the fifth overall pick, with which they selected Schenn’s partner, one Morgan Rielly. The two would be perfect partners, but we won’t know this for eleven years. Luke was traded twelve hours after Rielly’s draft.

Rielly is still in the AHL the next year, 2013, when the Leafs make the playoffs. This is the infamous 4-1 series: the Leafs go down 3-1 in the series, claw their way back up to game seven. They gain a 4-1 lead, going into the third period, and then blow it completely and lose the game, and the series, in overtime. They do not make the playoffs in 2013-14, and before the 2014-15 season begins they change management. The man they install as President decides to tank, and tank hard, selling as much of the Leafs as he can in the hopes of landing that elusive first pick.

They end up with fourth overall, and Mike Babcock, the Leafs’ head coach, does not want Mitch Marner, instead asking the then-management for the bigger defenceman, a boy named Hanifin who will go fifth to the Hurricanes. The Leafs take Marner anyway. Watch him as his name is called. He, like the first three, sits in a nest of other prospects and their families -- Mitch actually sits right behind Jack Eichel -- but unlike them, when his name is called the other prospects lean over to offer him congratulations, as well as his parents and brother. Mat Barzal, from across the aisle, offers a bro-hug as Mitch goes by.

The rest of the draft goes as usual. The 2015 draft, beyond narratively, is one of the deepest drafts in recent memory; players you may recognize include Timo Meier, Mikko Rantanen, Travis Konecny, Sebastian Aho (the Carolina one!), Roope Hintz, Kirill Kaprizov, Troy Terry… the list goes on. These players have their own stories, but few really tie in to this one. (So far.)

Summer passes; we move on. Training camp rolls around.

Connor McDavid, as expected, makes the team. He moves in with Taylor Hall, a fellow first overall. Jack Eichel also makes the team.

Dylan and Mitch do not. Dylan’s reasons are unknown to me, but Mitch is sent down because, again, Babcock does not want him. He’s naturally undersized and does not have a frame that builds muscle; Babcock is not under the impression that young men in Mitch’s image make good hockey players. Both Mitch and Dylan are returned to the OHL.

The stage is set now; each boy has a team. Eight years on, only half of them are on those teams. But we can’t worry about that yet! We have to make it to the NHL first!

World Juniors and the Memorial Cup

Once Connor makes the Oilers, Dylan Strome is named captain of the Erie Otters. Very cool, to only get what you deserve after the golden boy is gone.

Jack and Connor are off playing with the big boys. They’ll get their own section later -- we have to work our way up, not up and down and up and down. I’ve got to be somewhat cohesive, you know? So, we’ll stay, for now, in the world of junior hockey.

The Otters and the London Knights, Mitch’s team, are in the wonderful circumstance of not only both being very good at the same time, but also being in the same division as one another. This means they see each other quite often (no plane travel in the OHL. Bus only.) and have thus formed… a bit of a rivalry. It is becoming difficult to dance around: Dylan Strome, despite the politeness they’ve shown each other at the draft, hates Mitch Marner.

And why wouldn’t you? He’s the one Dylan fought with all last season for the OHL scoring title; he’s fast on his feet and can shoot from impossible angles; he makes plays you’ve never even considered, much less considered possible. He dangles through the Otters and scores the easiest impossible goal you’ve ever seen and laughs as light as air about the whole thing. And he’s tiny. Unfortunately for the rest of us, Marner drew a lot of comparisons to Patrick Kane in his junior days -- thankfully without the character in common, but as a hockey player. An undersized (almost comically so) London winger with otherworldly ability to manifest scoring chances out of nothing. The exact sort of irritating worm that not one of us wants on the other team.

So, of course, they get put on the same team.

The 2016 World Juniors are summoned. Connor McDavid, then dealing with a broken collarbone and a great deal of pressure, is not on Team Canada’s roster. Dylan Strome and Mitch Marner both are. Suddenly and thankfully, the media’s focus shifts from one, false rivalry in McEichel to a very very real one.

I don’t want to dismiss what happens next as a mere symptom of the fact that hockey players are engineered to get along with their teammates, even if they don’t like each other. Admittedly, it does start that way -- Mitch is a winger and Dylan a centre, and both skilled, so the coach puts them on the same line. Simple enough. And then they spark up a friendship.

Dylan’s reasons for hating Mitch were not personal, just hockey-related. Dylan hated Mitch because he was good and he knew it, the simple way a teenager hates their direct competitor. On the same team, though, the competition aspect is removed, and the barrier for hatred is gone. This is the Dylan/Mitch enemies to lovers arc, if you want to put it that way.

Mitch, for the record, I doubt ever hated Dylan. He doesn’t have that in him, never had. He saw a rival, sure, and as soon as that rival wore a matching jersey I assume he taped the word friend over whatever defined their relationship before. Mitch is probably one of the most gregarious, friendly, charming hockey players out there. Beyond his cute little face and on-ice highlights, even. He’s loud, sure, but when he talks he knows how to include you. He finds out what you like and talks about it, he singles you out if you’re shy and builds up your confidence. He’s just plain nice.

Dylan, like the rest of us, was charmed. Within weeks he went from calling Mitch annoying to telling us all about how he loves cuddling (!?) with him. They became fast friends and great linemates.

Dylan’s not the only one Mitch Marner befriends at Worlds, though. Somewhere between matches, Mitch takes an elevator at the complex they’re staying at, and ends up sharing it with a boy from the American team, a tall square-jawed Mexican centre with a Justin Bieber obsession. This is Auston Matthews, one of the projected top picks of the 2016 draft -- born just two days after the cutoff that would have made him eligible to go in 2015. He played with Jack Eichel at the USNTDP, before taking his age-eighteen year to go play pro in Switzerland. He holds the NTDP scoring record as a seventeen-year-old, and will continue to hold it until Jack Hughes breaks onto the scene. The two boys in the elevator do not yet know it, but they are about to share the mantle of franchise saviour, for the franchise most desperately in need of saving.

Either way. The Canadians place sixth at World Juniors, the Americans do better, the Finns win the whole thing. (In the long run, Laine turns out not to be better than Matthews after all.) Mitch and Dylan go back to their OHL teams.

Erie and London tie in points that year, but London wins the OHL title and goes to Alberta for the Memorial Cup, the CHL trophy. Mitch Marner takes home the scoring title, the Stafford Smythe (CHL equivalent of the Conn Smythe), and the Memorial Cup itself. He is one of the most decorated winners in OHL history, touted as being clutch, creating magic, and racking up points. He has close friends in Dylan Strome and fellow Knight Matthew Tkachuk, who will be selected sixth overall in the 2016 draft, the second American after Auston Matthews himself. And when NHL training camp rolls around in the fall, even Babcock cannot deny he is ready, no matter how slight he may still be.

Connor Complex

There’s nothing that fuels story like a good rivalry, and the NHL was obsessed with marketing this rivalry. The Canadian versus the American. The perfect child of a long line of red-blooded southern Ontario tradition versus the Boston boy with a chip on his shoulder. Jack and Connor, Connor and Jack. They hyped Jack up the time leading up to the draft, trying to hint that he was almost as good -- no, just as good -- as McDavid himself.

He was not, and everyone knew.

The 2014-15 Sabres, then the worst team in the NHL and having done an elite job at tanking (they are one of the worst teams in the analytics era, besides the 2022-23 Anaheim Ducks -- I wonder what prize might be waiting at that number one spot? Surely not someone named Connor.) wanted McDavid. The Pegulas, the owners of the Sabres, tried to hide their disappointment in him as pride. They had an all-American star, they said, someone who had grown up not too far from Buffalo himself, and in the same country, no less. He would be the sort of man to lead them into a new golden age, away from the misery of the tank years.

And yet the narrative persisted. McEichel, they whispered. Look at how good Connor McDavid is, and look at how much Eichel is not him. McDavid, they say, McDavid McDavid McDavid. No article could be written about Jack without mentioning how he came second to Connor.

The Sabres tried to quell the whispers. Look at our boy, they say. They signed Eichel to an eight-year, ten million dollar contract, and in the beginning of the 2018-19 season they named him captain. Isn’t our boy great.

The team does not improve. The Sabres hadn’t made the playoffs for three years when they drafted Eichel; they still haven’t made the playoffs today. I wasn’t around to look, but the team was bad. Eichel did his best, but he was young and inexperienced and did not -- never did -- have captain’s blood in him; Ryan O’Reilly lost his love for the game.

The whispers of character issues start to come out. Jack Eichel is a “locker room cancer;” he’s selfish, stuck-up, quick-tempered. He’s caught in a cage where the only key is to be Connor, something which he never wanted to achieve in the first place, and never could have even if he did want it. The whole narrative was completely fabricated. He liked Connor well enough when they met.

I do imagine he has feelings about it, though, and feelings about Connor now. He didn’t know him, not enough to have an opinion on the boy, but the name followed him around long enough for him to think about it. Imagine it. You’re good in your field, great, even. You’re doing well enough to earn yourself a superstar contract, you’re an All-Star, and yet the only way you will get any recognition at all is when they say that you are worse than one of the greatest players ever to play the game. They lock you into a connection that you have never wanted, barring you from forging your own path. You exist permanently in that orange-and-blue shadow. I don’t blame Jack for being angry. I would be too.

Babcock

Auston Matthews was incredible from the jump. He was big, he was strong, his wrister is the stuff of legend. He won the Calder in his and Mitch’s rookie year, by a not insignificant margin, well ahead of Laine. He was a coach’s dream doll, unusual enough to be marketed and good enough to be useful. Unavoidably masculine even at nineteen.

Mitch less so. Mitch is still small, remember, and struggles to gain weight. I know I talk about his size a lot, but it’s genuinely important. Hockey and its fan culture has long been a group that prioritized size and raw power above all things. Mitch possessed neither of those things, and when he struggled with gaining muscle it was seen as an unwillingness to try. If you know anything about the ability of our bodies to gain or lose weight, you know that it is simply a genetic roll of the dice, a scale that puts a little bit of us into the “gains muscle mass easily” category and decides when to stop. Most hockey players actually aren’t very far up the muscle-gaining spectrum, especially when compared to American football or baseball players -- mass is strength, yes, but it’s also more to move around on ice -- but Mitch is especially low on the scale. Because of this, he is seen as unmanly, a dangerous thing to be.

The Leafs media market is a nightmare, and always has been. Because this is the Centre of the Universe, there are more eyes on the Leafs than on any other team. More eyes mean more writers, means you have to say weirder and wilder things to beg for clicks. Outrage is a good marketing tactic. Getting mad about one of the prize prospects seemingly not wanting to bulk up for the good of the team is a very easy thing to do.

What’s more, Mitch, after his entry-level contract had expired, had had a very difficult and long-drawn out contract negotiation, asking for a lot of money -- essentially the maximum that the Leafs could afford at the time. Because of the salary cap constraint, this was seen as kind of selfish. The angry clicks move. Mitch is sensitive, they say. Soft, selfish, weak.

It’s easy enough to dismiss out of hand when your uncle from Belleville does it, because what does he know. It’s different when it’s the head coach of the Leafs. Mike Babcock, is, at the time of hiring, the highest-paid coach in the NHL. He was signed before the 2015-16 season, and at that point had an eight-year contract, which would have carried him up until this year.

Mike Babcock sucked. Structurally, his teams were fine -- the Leafs made the playoffs in 2016-17, and haven’t missed it since, but he was awful, horribly mean to the boys under him, and especially, especially Mitch. 

We should skip ahead a little bit. It’s the beginning of the 2019-20 season. The Leafs have made the playoffs three times already, and lost in the first round each time -- but this, too, is not yet a phrase that strikes worry into our hearts. They’re young, and they have plenty of time left. 

Respected veteran Jason Spezza came home to the Leafs, having spent his career -- a player who might squeak the Hall of Fame, but is more likely just below its level -- in first Ottawa, where he was the captain of the Senators briefly and one of its most well-loved players, and then Dallas. Like the boys I talk about here, Jason Spezza is a former OHL player, a GTA boy, a Leafs fan. The Leafs’ season opener is against Ottawa, the team where Jason Spezza left most of his mark. There used to be a promotion with the Senators -- a local branch of some pizza chain would offer a free slice if the Sens scored more than five goals in a game. Spezza (and his linemates, Heatley and Alfredsson) were so good, they named his line the Pizza line. Mike Babcock makes Jason Spezza a healthy scratch on that day.

This is seen as disrespectful, but no more than a coach living up to his hardass reputation. You do what the coach tells you, don’t you? Lest you become a whiner, or worse, a locker room cancer. Scratching an extremely well-respected veteran on the opener against his former team is just something some guys do. A message, if you will. Stay the course, Babcock just wants his players to respect him.

And then news of the list leaks.

It happened when Mitch was a rookie, but they kept it hidden for three years. The Leafs went on a father-and-sons trip, one they do every season. They’re on a road trip, with only their fathers, isolated from their home.

(A brief aside to talk about Mitch’s dad; his name is Paul Marner, and he is the most stereotypical hardass hockey dad on the planet. A nitpicker, an armchair coach, a bully. I do not imagine Mitch felt particularly comforted by his and Babcock’s combined presence on this trip.)

Babcock approached Mitch and asked him to organize all of his teammates in a list. He wanted Mitch to arrange them in order of hardest workers to laziest; he thought Mitch was one of the lazy ones, and wanted to drive this point home by making him categorize his teammates like this. Mitch, as a rookie hockey player does in the presence of the Maple Leaf hanging over his head like the sword of Damocles, obliged. He was under the impression it would be a private affair, just an assignment from Babcock to teach him some sort of lesson. Whether it be out of fear or honesty, he placed himself last on the list. 

Babcock told the others.

Specifically, two Leafs vets that Mitch had placed low on the list -- Nazem Kadri and Tyler Bozak. Imagine this: you are a decent centre on a bubble team, but nonetheless an established NHL veteran of about a decade, and your coach shows you a list a rookie made. He tells you that the rookie arranged everyone by work ethic, grinders to lazy shits. You are firmly on the “lazy shit” end.

How much does the coach have to suck, or how much does the rookie have to be loved, for Kadri and Bozak to react like they did? The rumour says they called for Babcock’s head on the spot. Mitch was in tears. I wouldn’t want to stay in Toronto if that happened to me. No wonder he and Auston signed for so much -- Babcock was barely halfway through his contract when they did. If I’d thought that I would have to deal with him for that long, I wouldn’t accept anything less than as much as they could possibly pay me.

In the end, in the beginning of December, 2019, Mitch got hurt and the Leafs went on a road trip. They were already losing by the time they’d left, and they kept losing. Normally, a team on a road trip doesn’t take the hurt players with them, but they took Mitch. The Leafs lost six in a row and finally fired Babcock, letting Sheldon Keefe take his place. Mitch’s presence was a comfort.

Go West

The Leafs make the playoffs first, and take Mitch with them. The Sabres are fighting a silent war with their star centre, but they are no closer to success. 

Connor McDavid is named captain at nineteen, the youngest in the history of the NHL. He scrapes the team to a playoff spot, then to a second round loss. He wins the Art Ross and the Hart.

The year before his entry-level contract expires, when he is first eligible, he signs what is then the most expensive per-year contract in NHL history -- eight years, a hundred million dollars. He is looking forward to spending the rest of his prime as an Oiler. He wins the Art Ross the next year, comes very close the year after. The Oilers do not make the playoffs again until after Covid hits.

He gets hurt a lot, too -- he breaks his collarbone as a rookie, missing half the season, and at the very end of the 2018-19 year, crashes into the net irons and shatters his knee. There are rumours of the man who broke Connor’s collarbone doing it on purpose; Connor claims that he overheard the man bragging about it, and I am inclined to believe him. This guy gets traded to the Oilers not too long after that.

In the meantime, Dylan is struggling. The Coyotes stick him in Tucson, a team he is obviously too good for. His entry-level contract slides another season. He wiffles between Tucson and Arizona, not being considered good enough to stay up but being too good to stay down. In the end, on the last year of his entry-level contract, he is traded from the Coyotes to the Chicago Blackhawks, a similarly bad team with a few remnants of its Cup-winning days. Dylan, a feeble icon of Chicagoan hope for one last dance with the aging core, centres Patrick Kane.

In his first half-season with the Blackhawks, he scores 51 points in 58 games. There are hopeful flashes of what he can be, the touted prospect he once was. 

Things wrap up on New Years like this: Connor is beyond a hundred-point pace; Dylan, although in no less danger, is at least out of the dust at the bottom of the barrel; Jack is caught in a cold war; the team loves Mitch. 

John Tavares has a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Playoff Series

March of 2020 rolls around, and with it the coronavirus pandemic. The league is shut down before the season ends, and the playoffs re-formed in July, inside a bubble -- no one in, no one out until they are eliminated. The Sabres stay with their families, having once again missed the playoffs. The Leafs are set to play the Columbus Blue Jackets, and the Oilers are set to play the Blackhawks.

This, to date, is Dylan’s only playoff appearance, and he is set to face Connor.

Dylan wins.

The qualifying round -- functioning as the first round of the bubble playoffs -- is a best of five, not of seven, and the Blackhawks defeat the Oilers 3-1. They then proceed to lose in five games (this one is a best of seven) to Vegas, but Dylan’s job is done.

The Leafs lose in the first round again. The Leafs have made the playoffs since Auston and Mitch’s debut, every single year, but they lose each time; in six, to the Capitals, then in seven every year after that. Or, in this case, in five.

Covid had not stopped by the end of the 2020 season ( :/ ) and the NHL was rearranged for what would be ostensibly the 2020-2021 season, but ended up being played mostly in 2021. Because of border laws, the Canadian teams are sequestered into their own, North division. Dylan Strome signs a two-year contract extension with Chicago right before the season starts -- one that will carry him until the end of the 2021-2022 season. 

If you’ve seen All or Nothing on Amazon Prime, it is this season that is covered. The Leafs tear through what is seen as a weaker North division, taking a comfortable first place spot. Connor McDavid cracks a hundred points in fifty-six games. Both Leafs and Oilers lose in the first round.

The Leafs do it perhaps most remarkably. They have drawn the Canadiens, a rather insubstantial team who are in their spot mostly because they have one of the best goaltenders in recent memory at their back.

I watched this game, live, before I was a serious Leafs fan. I can only imagine what it would be like if you were already invested at that point; I would not wish to live that horror on anyone. I tried to watch All or Nothing, later, but I stop here. 

Corey Perry and John Tavares are both on the ice, in the race for the puck. Tavares catches an edge, as you sometimes do, and falls, and Perry’s knee is in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time, and it catches Tavares in the side of the head. He falls to the ice, his limbs splaying unnaturally. He won’t move. 

Medics come over, to try and raise him to his feet. He fights against them, blood streaming from a cut in his forehead, unable to tell if they are trying to hurt him or not. There is no one in the crowd, the stadium empty for the pandemic. The camera cuts to Kyle Dubas in the rafters, who has a phone in his hand and swiftly vanishes back into the halls of the arena. He is calling Tavares’ wife. We do not know what is going to happen. Everyone looks shaken -- the Habs have just watched a man nearly die, the Leafs have just lost their captain, perhaps forever. They lose, although the game feels like an afterthought. I do not want to watch hockey anymore.

They win the next three straight, though, even without him. Then they lose, twice, in overtime.

The Leafs, as they have done for the past four years up to this point, go to game seven.

Partway through the game, Mitch Marner panics in his defensive zone and puts the puck over the glass. This is a penalty, it is a penalty every time, and he knows that. He sits in the box, looking defeated already. He curls in on himself, and the camera flashes to the penalty box. He’s crying. He knows the game is lost.

The Leafs are eliminated again, and there is a target on his back now, not only for the puck going over the glass but for the tears. He’s soft, they say. As they have said since he was picked, because he doesn’t look like a hockey player should, because he doesn’t act like a hockey player should, because he doesn’t play hockey like a hockey player should. He makes too much and he disappears when it matters.

Thoughts on the Leafs’ playoff successes suddenly switch from the core is young, even if this is frustrating to they need to win before it’s too late. Already, in recent years, they have suffered historic game-seven chokes and drastic failures to launch. Whether they do it against teams like the President’s Trophy-winning Capitals or the barely-alive wild-card Canadiens is irrelevant. They cannot win a round, at all. The Leafs are already the team with the greatest Cup drought, and they are now gaining a long playoff round victory drought too. It should be time, at least, for them to look like they are a contender. 

This is how the Leafs find themself stuck; a particularly frustrating timeloop, even though hockey itself is nothing but. Sports are cyclical by nature. A team is bad, then okay, then good, then declining, then bad again, and this repeats anew. Some teams try to get themselves out of this cycle by being good forever; I can assure you that this only really happens to the New York Yankees, who employ a cadre of evil wizards to keep everything on that hell team going well for them. Most other teams who try end up stuck like the Canucks are, right now: bad enough to miss the playoffs, but not good enough to get key picks for a rebuild. I can see next season play out, clear as day: they struggle out of the gate, one of their stars gets hurt right when it seems like they’re at the very, very start of gathering momentum, they’re bottom-10 by January and the team says everyone but Pettersson are on the table, they trade picks and low-grade players, they get blazing hot post-deadline and finish twenty-first.

There is, unfortunately, also a perception that pure talent is not what makes players playoff performers -- instead, some so-called “clutch gene” that exists, or not. The reality is somewhere in between. Clutch exists. There are always players who can score when no one else can even dream of it, but a greater problem is luck. President’s Trophy winners are not often Cup winners (even if higher seeds are most likely to win), because the regular season is a much, much bigger sample size and the playoffs can change the course of all of it by a goalie having a hot streak at the right time. The 2018-19 Tampa Bay Lightning, third-best team in NHL history, got swept in the first round by Sergei Bobrovsky going crazy. The 2022-23 Bruins lost in seven in the first round in much the same manner.

And no matter what, the Leafs are always on the wrong end of the luck. Bounces hit the post. The refs take back goals for reasons they would have ignored at any other time of year. John Tavares slips, and his head makes contact with a knee.

Mitch ends up the whipping boy. He is the Leafs’ most valuable player, and this is a team with Auston Matthews on it, but I’m serious. He was the Leafs’ leading playoff scorer in 2023, he’s one of the best penalty-killers in the league, he’s adored by everyone who’s ever once talked to him. He only ever wanted to be a Leaf, and now that he is here he is the sacrificial lamb for the anger at a curse that is not his fault.

I do blame the media. I will always blame the media, those who turn on him at a moment’s notice because they know picking on the skinny pretty unmanly one will get more clicks than anything else. I beg of you -- know that, of anything that it could be, it is not Mitch’s fault.

Jack Eichel has a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Neck Injury

It is 2021, and the Sabres aren’t going to make the playoffs. Jack Eichel has been captain for coming up on three years, and has been a Sabre for coming up on six, none of which have even slightly improved the team. He is widely disliked within the fanbase, and, rumouredly, within the locker room and organization. 

Jack is frustrated, dragging a mediocre team along through a slog of the past six years, and he has never been the kindest man on the planet. He is about to get worse. The Sabres are on a losing streak when they head to Long Island, and Jack is hit the wrong way and slips a disk in his neck. The Sabres insist he’ll only be out a week and a half. 

It is a great sin in hockey, to go against team. Anything that can be seen as selfish is demonized; shooting from a difficult angle when your teammate is wide open, not playing when you can muscle through the pain. Not trusting your coach or management is about as bad as you can get. If you’re a team guy, willing to sacrifice health and limb for the boys, you are held as saint, no matter how hurt you become in the end. This is a philosophy that has been drilled into these men since they were kids, as soon as they put their first skates on. You can stand any pain for the length of a hockey shift; you can play through anything for two minutes. It is a dangerous, dangerous school of thought, one of the most destructive parts of hockey culture. But it is, nonetheless, law.

Eichel is about to commit a sin so great they’ll kick him out of Heaven. I do think that, of the four of them, he is the only one with any semblance of genre awareness: when he was first scouted as a prospect and they were comparing him to McDavid, I think that he would be the only one to ignore the media’s spin on that as thoroughly as he did. He knows what he is, and he knows himself. Of course it comes off as bitchy and selfish, though -- that kind of pressure can’t be kind to anyone.

Before the week and a half is up, he visits a specialist doctor about his neck. This is where it all starts to go wrong.

The Sabres take issue with that for two reasons: one, that they hoped he’d be able to come back after the end of it. Keep in mind that he has herniated a disk in his neck, an injury typically so severe it’s impressive he’s walking -- slipping a cervical disk often causes nerve pain that radiates down through the entire spinal cord below that point, which is the whole body from how high up his is. Two, that the doctor he consults is an independent surgeon, one unaffiliated with the Sabres themselves. 

The thing about belonging to a hockey team is that you are, because of the way your employment is linked to your physical health, essentially their property. They make your medical decisions for you, they feed you, they tell you how to move. Going to someone else is a breach of contract, and the already-tense connection between Jack and the Sabres gets more tense. The Sabres keep losing. They lose eighteen games in a row.

Jack’s doctor recommended a surgery that no NHL player has ever had; cervical disk replacement. The Sabres did not want this -- the surgery carries risks, yes, but they also wanted to control the way that Jack’s injury was handled, and going through with this surgery was Jack’s wish, not theirs. The Sabres do their own evaluation, and ask for a different, more common surgery: spinal fusion. This surgery carries less immediate risk, but the bones in Eichel’s neck will also be fused, and he doesn’t want that. Because the team has final control over a player’s health, not the player, they decline his disk replacement. Having reached a stalemate, they rule him out for the rest of the season, trying to win a war of attrition.

September 2021 rolls around, and the Sabres, along with thirty-one other teams, take training camp. At the beginning of training camp, players do a physical exam. Jack, because his herniated disk has not improved, because he needs a surgery that has been denied from him, because he is stubbornly and bravely willing to wait out the Sabres, fails his physical. As a result, the Sabres, fed up with him, strip the captain’s C from his chest.

Jack makes one final request to the team: either let him get the surgery or trade him. In the end, they trade him to the Vegas Golden Knights, a team that did not exist when he was drafted. The Golden Knights approve him for the disk replacement surgery the day they acquire him.

The surgery is a success; his rehab goes better than anyone expects, and he starts tearing it up when he comes back. I would argue that, if the Golden Knights win the Cup this year, he should get the Conn Smythe -- he has been an invaluable member of the team, even without a letter on his chest.

It is less important for him to win his million awards than it is for him to come in and out of this surgery in the first place, still able to play. He fought with the team that was supposed to have upheld him as their star for months over his right to do what he wanted with his own health; in the end, the only way to go was for him to change that team. He was the first to have this surgery, but after him there have already been hockey players who have undergone it -- much like Tommy John, the baseball player who got his ulnar ligament reconstructed and the surgery to do so named after him. He fought for the chance to control his own body and won.

And for that, he was demonized.

The Sabres missed the playoffs every year they had him; they missed the playoffs every year after he left. Because he was the captain and he had the audacity to go against the organization’s wishes, he was hated. In Buffalo, he is still hated. If you ask, they’ll tell you he was a locker room cancer, that he was undevoted to winning. If you look at him in Vegas, neither of those things are true.

Jack Eichel is a rare man -- he does have that “clutch” gene, or rather doesn’t have the choke instinct. He has always been unbothered by the spiral around him. He operates well in the mire, and when the pressure rises it doesn’t affect him (or maybe, even better, he feeds on it.) He has the right kind of mentality -- that fuck-you, I’m here and you can’t change that, you tried to control me and I wouldn’t bend mentality. He has only made the playoffs once, this year. Like Dylan, actually, his only appearance has involved defeating Connor McDavid. Go back and watch his highlights from the Vegas-Edmonton series if you can: he has a couple of pretty goals and more than a couple great defensive takeaways, but he doesn’t lose his cool, not once. He has earned his right to be here, and he knows it more than anyone else. I’m rooting for the Stars, but I hope he wins some day.

153

How do you talk about the Edmonton Oilers? I mean, without either excusing or demonizing them, although I admit I have Hater Instinct and trend towards the latter. They have the best player in the world; that grown-up incarnation of the wide-eyed boy on the Erie rink. They have the best playoff performer in the world; Leon Draisaitl, who I have not avoided mentioning until now on purpose, but whom I cannot continue without bringing up. They have been terribly cap-managed since the day McDavid was drafted, and are an unstable roster with blazing-hot offense and very little defence or goaltending at all.

For a brief moment, let’s not talk about the Oilers. Let’s only talk about Connor himself.

McDavid has 850 points in 569 career games. Not even Sid had that many points through that few games. If he stays healthy, Connor’s well on track to become the second player ever to hit two thousand for his career -- after a certain other Oiler, who need not be mentioned. He has won just about every award you can win, with the exception of the Selke… and the Cup.

If it’s possible, he has proven himself better than all of the hype at the draft saying he would become a great. To watch him, you can see the way he has changed his team, how even though they have all learned from him that he is still the best.

There is something that many Oilers do. When next your team plays them, pay attention to it: they cut into the offensive zone with possession on the outside, using tight little crossovers to gain speed, after which they’ll usually try to rush the net (if there are no defenders in the way). This is a move that McDavid has patented; he’ll use it, just as many of the others will, but he’ll probably be the one that scores. The depth all skate like him, really, fast and in wide arcs, trying to generate a rush chance. 

Connor as a player is a tour de force, the best power-player in the world by a mile, no slouch at even strength, speedy enough to score even shorthanded. The boy’s got wheels. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which NHLers are fast and which are slow, but Connor’s just that tick above everyone else that you can see it without eye training at all.

Connor as a person is a bit less showy. He’s quiet by nature, shy and soft-voiced. Because he was hyped so much (franchise saviour, McJesus, Next One) he has been media trained into sterility, giving the same level answers as everyone else, hardly daring to express any opinion at all. His eyes are big, rounded, and one of them is lazy from a time when his brother tried to take it out as a child, and that combined with his heavy brow and stiff expression -- he’s never been a good smiler, smirks with one corner of his mouth and that’s mostly it -- give him a resting expression of something like concern, or maybe despair. When he laughs, he doesn’t really “laugh,” just kind of coughs, a one or two-syllable affair. He avoids eye contact with the camera, and often the reporters as well. There is no seething emotion under the surface, not like with Eichel, nor does he speak analytically like Dylan does. He moves through his life as if he is someone who does not want it to turn out quite like this.

I do not know if he wants to be in Edmonton. There are jokes about how he is desperate to leave, but I definitely don’t believe those; there’s a difference between not wanting to stay and wanting to go. I don’t think he hates it. He has been given a responsibility, the captain’s C -- and because, unlike Jack Eichel, he is a good Canadian boy who has been given a destiny, he accepts it. He loves his teammates, especially Draisaitl, whom he seems to derive all his confidence from.

I will also say that I don’t believe he’s stupid. Naive, perhaps; not stupid. There is no way out for him, even if he was sure he wanted to leave; he’s the best player in the world, far too expensive for any contender to afford in either trade or cap space, and if he asks for a trade he won’t let himself go to a team that isn’t already a contender. He will remain an Oiler at least until his contract is up, and I imagine that his staying afterwards depends on Draisaitl.

People talk about him leaving a lot, largely because of the team that has been assembled around him. The Oilers are not a well-created team, and I will say that plainly now and spend as little time technically deconstructing it as possible.

Beyond McDavid and Draisaitl, they have:

A rookie starting goaltender, whose success as we know it is based on a single-season sample size and a complete playoff collapse.

A five million dollar backup goaltender, who earned his contract by being carried by the Leafs, despite being utterly horrendous for a long enough stretch leading up to his free agency that anyone who looked beyond the win-loss numbers wouldn’t have signed him.

One genuine shutdown defender.

One young up-and-coming defender; by far one of the most promising Oiler (or otherwise) defensive prospects, beyond the usual suspects.

One netfront grinder who is great at playing wing to high-power setters, but cannot drive his own line.

One decent 2C.

Sarah Nurse’s cousin. Sarah’s better.

A supporting cast of bad defencemen and middling-at-best forwards.

Many charming characters, of course: Zach Hyman, the grinder, is a beloved ex-Leaf, and I’m personally a fan of Nugent-Hopkins, the 2C, but the vast majority of this is not the sort of thing a contending team is built upon. McDavid has missed the playoffs almost as often as he’s made them. The playoffs are a crapshoot, but in order to try your luck you have to at least be able to enter the lottery, and it takes a stunning amount of effort to be able to do that.

So, McDavid lingers, in this kind of limbo. It mirrors the Leafs, almost. (And yes. Because McDavid is an Ontario boy, and the Leafs are the Centre of the Universe, we have to mention them both in conversation. Not all stories revolve around the Leafs, but this one does.) One true contender, and one generational talent, both what we picture to be well overdue for their Cup run, but neither having yet done so. 

The thing about the stories of the class of 2015 is that they intertwine, that they mimic and mirror each other. These boys have not simply gotten drafted in the same handful of picks in the same year and gone on their merry ways -- they layer, they parallel, they weave around each other. Connor is the captain of a team that cannot win, Jack is a captain, Mitch cannot win. Jack fought for the right to control his body and was demonized for it; Mitch negotiated for a contract that he determined to be a fair price for Babcock, and was demonized for it. Whatever pure saviour they figure Connor to be, Jack is the twisted inverse of that, falling from grace.

Connor has one of the best seasons in NHL history, one of only seventeen player-seasons with over a hundred and fifty points (Nine of those seasons belong to Gretzky. Another four belong to Lemieux.) He loses, in six games in the second round, to the Vegas Golden Knights. At the time that he’s eliminated, he leads the playoffs in points. Leon Draisaitl is tied for second place. Counting from the date Mitch Marner played his first game in the NHL, the Oilers and Leafs have almost exactly the same number of playoff game wins, with the Oilers having one more.

There’s No Place Like Strome

Before we can look to the future, there is one person I have been neglecting. Dylan, poor Dylan. I think it would be only half an unfair assessment to call him a draft bust. He’s talented, for sure, but not nearly the same calibre that the draftees around him are. Hardly a Marner, an Eichel, or even a Rantanen or a Meier. 

His career has existed quietly in the shadows, so far from Connor McDavid that it only feels fair to mention them in the same conversation in this context. It has been eight years since they were best friends, Connor so close to Dylan he waited in the stadium in order to watch him get drafted. They didn’t look each other in the eye in the handshake line when Dylan won their series. Connor didn’t go to his wedding.

That being said: so far, he has found himself a knack for landing in the shadow of greatness. When he was an Erie Otter, it was Connor -- Dylan held the scoring title in their draft year, while Connor was out nursing his hand, but Connor was the chosen son and Dylan was the Coyotes’ consolation prize. When he was traded to the Blackhawks, he found himself centring Kane and Debrincat, but of course both of them were the offseason and trade deadline’s prizes, and not him.

And then he signed in Washington.

So now, we go back to Ovechkin. Alex Ovechkin is one of the greatest players of all time; his Capitals are on the decline now, but they contended for a long time while he was playing and may still contend as long as Ovi still skates. For a long time, the team relied on Ovechkin’s goalscoring, assisted mostly by his faithful centre, Nicklas Backstrom. They, too, are married; they have played a thousand games as teammates, been through a decade of heartbreak together before the Cup was theirs. During the 2021-2022 season, Backstrom took time off -- he needed hip surgery, something likely to end his career. Ovi was alone.

There is a fundamental difference, of course, between the expectations of wingers and centres. A winger, like Ovi, scores, or assists, at his own leisure, but it is the centre’s job to drive his line. Ovechkin is generational -- he will sink forty goals no matter what -- but he still needs someone to move him out of the defensive zone, someone to make his assist.

Enter Dylan -- a young centre, not especially fast on his feet but intelligent, and clearly experienced in the realm of managing high-calibre wingers (see: Debrincat, and the ghost of Patrick Kane.) He joins the Capitals on a one-year contract, desperate to prove himself. Chicago didn’t want him, and Arizona didn’t either. It takes barely until November before he is, once again, the necessary shadow of greatness. 

Ovechkin, the team’s captain and centrepoint, clearly likes what he sees, and the management does, as well. The Capitals offer Strome a five-year extension.

Maybe it’s because he’s less of a superstar then the other three members of his draft class, but Dylan has a life outside of hockey -- a wife and young daughter. After being thrown away by other teams, and with his new family, I can only imagine that it was… peaceful, if anything, to be offered this contract.

Chicago, after rapidly getting rid of him, Debrincat, and then Kane, would go on to tank spectacularly, and win themselves the first overall pick. They will use it to draft another generational talent. His name is also Connor.

The Blue Wedding

So, here we stand, at the end of it all. Dylan finally has a home, a mother hen of a Russian bear that it has become his job to assist in record-breaking, and soon to be two daughters. Jack has a team that loves him, freedom from pain, and an ongoing potential Cup run. Connor has a sterile mansion, a best friend, and an unsteady team. Mitch’s life is up in the air.

Right as I’m writing this, the general manager of the Leafs has been unceremoniously kicked out. His tenure will end the day before Mitch’s no-move contract kicks in, but it is not known if Mitch’s time as a Leaf will survive that long. He is well on track to become one of the greatest Leafs of all time, and his tenure might be cut short in the prime of his career. 

But let’s wrap up with this: Mitch will get married this summer. Because he’s Mitch, the darling of the league, everyone’s best friend, I imagine the wedding party to be extensive/ Packed to the brim of current and former Leafs, as well as people who have never been Leafs. I wonder if Dylan Strome will be there -- or even Connor McDavid, although McDavid never even attended Dylan’s wedding.

The stories, as they do, go on.