#the fact we have so many stories that we would literally cringe at together

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

theorizing

It's still early in the event, but I'm already trying to think about what Hot Topic Issue this year's Halloween event might tackle (assuming it follows the precedent set by GloMasq and Playful Land). Here's the theory I present to you: the conflict will be about escapism and where to draw that divide between fantasy and reality. Why do I think that? Because there are lots of parallels between our shiny new guy on the block, Skully, and us, Twst fans.

Book 7 presents a similar idea when Lilia and Malleus discuss the life cycle of Gao-Gao Drago-kun, how short it is, and how convenient it would be if the virtual pet could live forever in a fantasy world. In the same book, Yuu has finally found a potential route home... meaning an end to their story and their time in their current world. Read another way, it can be said that we, the Twst fans/players, are like Malleus, not wanting anything about our lives in Twisted Wonderland to change. We want to stay here among these characters we have come to love and grow close to, not return to our boring mundane lives in our original worlds... in reality. Likewise, similar points of comparison can be drawn between these themes and Lost in the Book with Nightmare Before Christmas, even as early as part 1.

Now in this allegory, Skully represents us, the average Twst fans. Here's the parallels I noted:

Skully is notably a first year, which matches up with the grade level that Yuu (the player self-insert/POV character) is assigned to

Skully attends a school where his peers don’t understand him or his interests. This mimics the experience of some Twst fans, who may be misunderstood even within the anime fandom. How many times have people joked “Oh, you like the Disney dating sim?”/assumed that Twst is cringe? Can you talk to fans of traditional Disney about Twst? Twst may be somewhat niche in your immediate area. Chances are, you have to retreat to online avenues to find like-minded fans. In this way, Twst fans may feel isolated or not understood.

He does not like to talk about school because he doesn't have many people who understand him, perhaps due to his eccentricities. Again, this may not directly translate to all Twst fans, but rather it can be very relatable to those who lack social connections and seek to fulfill that through fandom or escaping into a fantasy world.

Skully is an otaku for Halloween. And what are we, as Twst fans, if not also otaku?

He looks mysterious but has excitable reactions. The behavior reminds me of someone who can be very sociable online or in special circumstances but might come off completely differently in real life or initially due to how their face looks and how they dress.

The strongest parallel, however, is the fact that he, like Yuu (again, the player self-insert character) ALSO gets isekai'd... into the world of The Nightmare Before Christmas. And what happens in this world that Skully gets isekai'd to? He... 1) meets lots of new people--people that don't know him in the "real" world, so he is free to act however he wants around them, maybe even befriend them, 2) gets to meet his Halloween idol, Jack-sama, 3) gets to be praised by his idol, and 4) (presumably) helps out his idol with putting together this year's Halloween. THESE LINE UP ALMOST EXACTLY WITH WHAT YUU DOES WHEN THEY'RE ISEKAI'D INTO TWISTED WONDERLAND... Yuu, who represents you, THE TWST FAN. You, as a Twst fan, 1) meet and potentially befriend these new characters (and maybe even explicitly made an OC to act however you like in your place as the one meeting these characters), 2) hone in on your favorite(s), 3/4) hyperfixate on the intimate voice lines and the moments you have with your favorite(s). It's total wish fulfillment for both Skully and the average Twst fan. In other words, Skully will get lost in living the fantasy that is literally being transported into the world of his Favorite Thing Ever, just like we, the Twst fans, escape to Twisted Wonderland. In the book/Twst, you can be yourself or whoever you want to be. But what happens when that peace and comfort is about to be taken away? Perhaps that's when Skully will snap 🤔 refusing to return to his old life, where he was awkward and misunderstood... wanting to stay in this endless Halloween night forever and ever. Maybe he even tries to prevent the NRC students from leaving too, since he has now formed a friendship (?) with them? Like, he's trying to keep them trapped in this fantasy of his (very Malleus-core of him, honestly). Then it would be up to us to try and knock some sense into Skully, reminding him that there are things in the "real" world to look forward to as well.

Looking back at previous Halloweens, the conflicts presented usually tie back to something relating to the Disney counterpart's own identities. For example, Frollo (in the stage version) lost his younger brother to sin and pinned the blame on an entire group of people. Rollo lost his younger brother to sin and now seeks to eliminate that sin (magic) from the world. Honest John and Gideon worked for a shady guy and lured away children, even though they themselves were terrified of what would become of those kids. Fellow and Gidel are similarly forced to do this dirty work because they are so impoverished they need the job, even if their boss disrespects them. I think my theory about what Skully's whole conflict will be could work from this angle too. The character he is twisted from, Jack Skellington, is known to be somewhat naive and an idealist. Jack pursues Christmas with all of his undead heart, sure that it will return the "spark" that Halloween has since lost. This could be reflected in Skully, our twisted!Jack, in his desire to pursue Halloween--or, more specifically, this novel world where his passion is reinforced and he has a place in it. He would be naive to the world he snubbed in favor of this new one, deeming this new world superior (like how Jack thought the "new" Christmas would enhance the "old" Halloween).

as3gro8yvq ;ngqemf; KJLBFIsIFSLFS ANYWAY, that's my game theory 🙂 Not sure if it'll actually be this, but figured I'd throw my guess out there since my previous "lmao Skully will kidnap Crowley" crack theory ended up being shot down...

[khs-biggest-loser-tournament]

Good morning I am here to remind you all that Demyx is in fact the biggest loser in KH and if you vote against him you're objectively WRONG. This man is the ultimate failboy.

He blatantly cheats in his boss battle with the fucking water clone QTE and he still dies, and like can you even blame him for fighting dirty because he turned up on Weapon Assignment Day and they gave him a musical instrument. All the other Org members get to do this menacing slow walk coupled with unbroken eye contact when they approach Sora in battle, but nooo this clown has to stare at his plinky-plonky instrument of murder instead while walking towards you cause he has to play fucking Guitar Hero to fight.

And then he dies and Jiminy Cricket roasts him in his journal. This dumbass gets roasted by A BUG. AN ARTHOPOD. A LITERAL INSECT.

And he absolutely deserves the roasting because have you seen him in Days?? Nobody ever shuts up about how he's That One Coworker who absolutely refuses to ever do anything. And they're right, like do you know how many times he's seen standing in the break room (not counting cutscenes)? ONCE. ONE SINGULAR TIME. Otherwise he spends the entire game on that stupid angular sofa.

And the sidequests he gives you, my god. If he's not telling you to find some stupid treasure chests, he's all like "hey Roxas could you go scour every inch of Halloween Town for Heartless k thx bye", and if you for some reason decide to humor him and do his actual goddamn work for him? What does he give you in return? MORE FUCKING WORK. Like at least the other Org members have the decency to be like "hey well done, now you can do this extra mission that only super cool people are allowed to do" but not this idiot, oh no he LITERALLY TELLS YOU he's rewarding you for doing his job for him by MAKING YOU DO MORE FUCKING WORK FOR HIM. The Lion the Witch and the Audacity of this Bitch.

And there's this one point where he's like "hey Roxas please go to the Moogle and synthesize two potions together", bitch the game practically drowns you in potions and the Moogle is like ten feet away from where you're sitting, go do it yourself you lazy fuck.

AND he's fucking useless in multiplayer. His limit requires way too much effort and it's got such poor accuracy that it hits something maybe twice a week. And when he inevitably loses his loss animation on the results screen shows him falling out his stupid tall chair. smh Donald can do a whole stomping tantrum dance on the chair when he loses but this absolute walnut somehow manages to fall off when trying to punch the chair in frustration. Actual reality-defying failboy-ism.

OH AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT KH3 YET. He comes back because god knows why and manages to ruin Xehanort's plans because his SHEER INCOMPETENCE means nobody would ever think he'd be willing and/or able to do anything useful for anyone. And he steals a catchphrase from the early/mid-2000s KH fandom like this man could not be more cringe if he tried, and he definitely tries because my GOD have you seen that Re:Mind cutscene with him?? "see all the cool kids have one right" well you are neither of those things so why the fuck do you have one

Fucker doesn't even have a proper name yet. It's been almost 20 years and we still don't know what his real name is. If that's not loser behavior I don't know what is.

And it gets even worse if you consider the non-canon stuff! In the manga he's somehow even more of a failure, which shouldn't even be physically possible. For fuck's sakes he gets his ass handed to him by Pluto. PLUTO. THIS DUMB FUCK PICKS A FIGHT WITH MICKEY MOUSE'S DOG AND LOSES.

Meanwhile on the novel side of things we've got his Character Files short story (I think that counts as novel-adjacent but I digress), where it's implied he rejoined the Real Org because he wanted friends. This ABSOLUTE CALCIUM-DEFICIENT NINCOMPOOP joined a fucking apocalypse cult because that's the only way he could get friends?? and even that didn't work because all they do is roast him. My god we've truly reached a level of patheticness beyond the comprehension of the feeble human mind.

jfc I swear if I didn't love him with every single solitary cell in my body the mere thought of this idiot would make me cringe myself into the Shadow Dimension.

.

[applestorms]

i was gonna write a more extensive post about this, but. fuck that i have too many points to write proper sentences rn, here's a bullet point list of my review of sonic 3. spoilers, obviously. tl;dr: i'm a hater

maria is fridged to hell and back, she is such a nothing character i have secondhand embarrassment for the writers every time she shows up. maria exists only to smile in flashbacks and lie in the flowers and go, "noooooooooooooooo, shadow :(( you can totally be whatever you want, dude," and then die on the floor. we don't even get to see her getting shot. fucking rip off.

to clarify-- maria absolutely does NOT have to be a fucking dead wife trope incarnate, imo. she can very easily be used that way, yes, but i think doing so also misses the core of her character and what she means for shadow. part of the appeal of the conversations that maria & shadow have on the arc in SA2 comes from the fact that they are characters coming from a very similar position, both being incredibly alienated from the rest of the world/humanity, daydreaming about it more than they are able to interact with it directly. like, come ON, they literally live on a fucking space station, the symbolism does not get that much more obvious?? it is the fact that maria CHOOSES to love humanity anyways, despite being unable to interact with it/live within it, that makes her words meaningful. jesus fucking christ.

anyways, speaking of. shadow has NO arc in this movie (literally and figuratively. did you seriously put the spaceship in Ohio) and it drives me up the wall. perhaps i'm just out of the loop on the Current Shit, but it feels like Nobody knows how to write that guy nowadays :((

not that i could fucking tell anyways in this particular movie from how little he shows up or SPEAKS. LET HIM SPEAAAAAK. i swear to GOD, he interacts w/ the main cast like three (3) fucking times in this entire movie and two of those interactions are fights. if you want those cute, quirky, somewhat cringe sonic/shadow interactions, you're better off watching the trailer plus whatever clips of the final fight inevitably end up on youtube, since that's basically their only real conversations in the entire movie.

the ending falls incredibly flat because of this. in the last movie, we at least had some decent character interactions between sonic & knux which made their fight and eventual team up at the end that much more satisfying. there was something to dig your teeth into, a back-and-forth that was entertaining (by sonic movie standards) but also established who they were, not only why they didn't like each other but how they could eventually bond. you had reason to care about knux, and reason to root for them to fight together!!

instead, here we got a whole lotta nothing. sonic and shadow fight, and it's cool, and it does all the Sick References and wowie yay clapping my hands live & learn blue/red lights cool. epic. yet i'm still left sitting here like WHO IS THIS BITCH??? WHO IS HE?????

fundamentally, the problem with this movie is that it Does Not Know what it's primary storyline is, or even who the main character is, and it falls flat on its fucking face because of it. there is no focus. sonic maybe barely kind of squeezes out an arc about teamwork and believing in your friends (a repetition of the last movie, i would argue, but whatever). eggman gets a much more hefty plotline about coming to terms with family, which i would be able to appreciate a whole lot more if it didn't feel like the only meaningful story arc in the entire fucking movie. robotnik bullshittery should be the B plot guys, come the fuck on. and shadow, of fucking course, gets NOTHING. he stands around looking grumpy and cool (and very cute, the animators did alright, i'll give them that), and emotes jack fucking shit. i know he's not a certified yapper like some people, but come the fuck on, he can still like. say words. right. RIGHT

is this review even comprehensible even more? i don't care, this is driving me insane. are you guys seeing this shit. are you.

this isn't even just me being a shipper and going wahh wahh no sonadow moments. you put those bitches on the poster why are they not talkinggg. even just an argument would be Great. it was like the one thing sonic prime figured out, why is it so empty here.

this also leads to the fundamental issue where i have NO fucking idea why either of them are so chill with each other by the ending. not only do i not know why shadow is so chill with sonic, considering he was just dead set on ending the fucking world to get revenge and one conversation is not enuf to convince me that he would get over it (even the lowkey suicidal tendencies fall somewhat flat for me since AGAIN. NOTHING), but i ALSO don't know why SONIC gives a shit about shadow!! or why he's so happy go lucky about all this!!! dawg he just killed the closest thing you have to a father. as much as i hate the humans in this series, even i have to sit for a minute and go uhh what? there is absolutely NOTHING to make their team up at the end of this emotionally meaningful other than the bland, surface level reaction of Yay Shadow And Sonic On Screen :) like the movie itself simply does not build up their rivalry in a meaningful enough way to make it feel worth it. one conversation can do a lot, but only if you have the build up to MAKE it mean a lot. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh

the ending being almost exactly the same as the beginning thus doesn't surprise me in the slightest cuz like. what else do you do. sonic Does Not have any reason to care about that bitch and neither does anyone else. his actual enemy eggman is presumably dead, so. who cares. a couple good fights then nice knowin' ya man o7 thanks for sacrificing yourself to save the world or whatever

the scene where shadow stalks the individual team members through the remains of their old military base/Ohio Arc stand in or whatever is cool, yes. one single hand clap for that. i like them making him ominous as fuck. but i just-- i need everybody to shut the fuck up for like two seconds so sonic and shadow can talk directly and have a proper fucking conversation before the literal end of the movie, like please just argue or SOMETHING. DO. SOMETHING. MEANING. LIKE A CHARACTER THING. WHO R U

also the eggman/stone shit drives me up the wall. another set of bitch ass writers too scared to make their characters canonically queer, so they bury their gays instead. idfc that they're inevitably going to revive him again, it's still stupid as shit. stone also does nothing in this movie so his internal "conflict" is dumb anyways aaaaskjdflksdjfl smacking my head on the keyboard

there comes a point in this movie where it really does feel like Everything is just about eggman and gerald. tails and knux stop being meaningful characters with personalities outside of quips by approximately the chao garden. sonic's weird human parents aren't even given a meaningful storyline outside of the one time that shadow punches him when they try to set up some miscommunication bullshit or whatever at the end. sonic and shadow fight but even that gets interrupted by... whatever the hell they were doing??? again, all of this would be way less aggravating if those scenes were able to fulfill their actual purpose: side bullshit funnie stuff to break up the serious scenes of the main plotline. unfortunately, this movie thinks a flashback to the traveling wilburys is sufficient to make its main character a complex, nuanced person. face in hands

seriously. why is that scene of eggman & gerald telling stone & shads to get back in the crab a microcosm of this entire film. orz

also also, before someone bitches at me for not paying close enough attention to [x] specific detail or whatever-- anything that you can easily miss on a first watch through should Not be integral to the plot of a movie. istg, i write scripts, i know how this shit works. if your audience can't figure out the emotional arc of a character after one watch, you have fundamentally failed your job as a writer. a flashback is not sufficient character writing, jfc.

and really, that's what it all comes down to, isn't it? the writing. it's always the Fucking writing with these movies. the animation here is, for the most part, fantastic, the voice acting is decent at worst, even the awkwardness of a half-human cast is somewhat smoothed over. yet the writing for these movies never fucking improves-- the jokes are still cringe at best, the references are blunt and unnatural, and the characters. have. no. arc.

perhaps it was somewhat inevitable that we end up at this point. this movie series has already been building up an entire universe of Other Bullshit, and it is here that we feel a lot of that crashing back down. the shelf could only stand up for so long.

i suppose in conclusion, my main takeaway from this movie is that it is an adaptation that fails. it does not understand who its characters are or what they want, it does not know why people connected to the characters it attempts to introduce on an emotional level, and it does not know how to make its own confusing lore work with all of the new details.

[correctthroam]

I read THROAM for the first time in ~5 years. Here's what I have to say.

Volume I: There was so many characters I forgot about when going into the fic. Pete, Jac, Spencers family. I cant believe I forgot them. Pete will always be a fave because everyone hates him and it makes me laugh. The first volume was always my 2nd favorite, I think it still is. overall, the storyline isn't complicated and I like that. Ryan is such an asshole so I dont feel bad for him one bit in any of the fic. Also, I used to say that the bus crash was Brendons fault (I was 13, okay?) But Ryan was just an unstable motherfucker who truly should not be trusted to drive a vehicle of any kind.

Volume II: holy shit. I hate volume two. Not saying the writing is bad but Jesus Christ, Ryan is an asshole. bro literally stalked Brendon after he ran into him at that party like what? I had messaged a friend after finishing volume 2, saying "I'm a really nice person I never wanna make people feel sad, let alone make a whole fictional story about someone being severely depressed and unstable whilst chasing a boy then fucking his bf at the end???" and I think that perfectly sums up how I feel (and always felt) about volume two. other than the fact that I used to say that it was Brendons fault. (I was 13. THIRTEEN) it wasn't his fault. Some parts were, yeah, but it's hard to pinpoint everything that happened on one person. at the end of the day, its a good story I just Hate it (does that make sense) I love it but I hate it? it remains my least favorite purely for the pain it put me through.

Volume III: I love this volume. I always have. Sisky is amazing, we all love Sisky. I will say the iconic song/album references/jokes made me cringe a bit, though. Im not exactly sure what about this fic I always liked so much, I guess you can really see Ryans character growth and finally not be as much as a miserable fuck (he's still unstable dw) Since Ryan is less insufferable, it makes the volume more enjoyable. I like that Spencer and Ryan became friends again, I think it makes the book more enjoyable and tbh I think Spencer rly tied vol 3 together, if he wasn't part of it it would lowk suck. overall, best volume cant wait to host the throam tour where we go to hotel Chelsea then machias.

final thoughts: if I thought throam was 100% good when I was 13, Id say now that I think throam is about 85% good now. (does that make sense pt 2) this fic has sent me back into being 13 and I have been blasting some pretty. odd. (im listening to it rn as im typing this) and listening to this album just makes my life feel more simple. still a solid fic, I think it would be an amazing published book. and I think we can all agree that it would be amazing to see THROAM movies (in our dreams)

Thanks for reading lol

[venusbyline]

GIVE ME A CHARACTER; Helaena

Give me a character and I’ll break their ass down.

Tysm for the ask 💕💕

HELAENA TARGARYEN

How I feel about this character

Helaena is literally my fav HOTD female character. I luv her sm in the show, and imo she's a good character in the book too. She's so fucking tragic and traumatized, but so cute and gentle too.

I'm not ready to see her death, this will really traumatized me so bad. My sweet girl deserved sm better.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I'm kinda into harem stuff, so I can't say "all the people" I ship Helaena romantically LMAOOO but for sure Aegon and Aemond are the main ones. I know they're not good men to her and she deserves someone better, but imo both Helaegon and Helaemond lore are soooo interesting.

My third fav ship with Helaena is Jacelaena... Cuz omfg they would be such a cute couple 🥺🥺 their dance together made smiling all the time

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Hmm... We didn't see Helaena interacting with many people both in the show or in the books, so idk. I would say Helaena x Rhaena or Helaena x Baela could be great friends, but I ship them too 😭😭

My unpopular opinion about this character

Despite everything anti-Helaegon or toxic Team Blacks stans try to say, imo Helaena NEVER hated Aegon, even in the book or in the show. In the book they even shared a room together (and fgs something like that isn't so common in marriages) and never say anything about Helaena and Aegon never fucking again after the twins birth, but in the show HBO dgaf about that.

Anyway... In season one we had that scene during Viserys' supper when Helaena talked about Aegon just don't ignoring her when he was drunk. Imo that words was literally a joke, she wasn't dumb as people try to turn her. She was literally having fun saying that or in the background when she heard Aegon mocking Jace about the boy would finally fuck a woman. Her sentences sounded to me more like a joke, but also about the fact that Aegon just have courage to do marriage duties when he was drunk. She literally NEVER say anything about Aegon being cruel or aggressive against her, the only scene we can see Aegon mocking Helaena was when they're younger (like... gods forgive a teenager boy for not liking the fact that he knew he should marry HIS OWN YOUNGER SISTER. gods forgive a teenager boy for not being an incestuous maniac like many others Targaryen men lmaoo)

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Imo? HBO should've portrayed the fact that Viserys liked Helaena a lot too, just like her children. In the book Viserys loved Helaena just like he loved Rhaenyra, and imo probably he liked Helaena's children more than Rhaenyra's sons. And this is okay, but HBO shouldn't turn Viserys x Aemma a love story, they shouldn't try to fake that Viserys only cared about Rhaenyra. All that "Rhaenyra, my only child" was a high stupidly, it's so fucking cringe. Viserys never reeeeally liked Aemma in the book, just like he never cared only about Rhaenyra. Helaena and her children was so fucking left aside in show adaption.

Another thing too... Everything about Helaena and Maelor. HBO should've to portrayed him in the show. The whole B&C thing would be sm better, and Helaena's future death would be sm tragic too.

[aether-bun]

Hi there I was wondering if you could write some headcanons of the S/V Trio+carmin and kieran (and maybe the BB league if not then just the first two) meeting a gn or male reader who is poke-human hybrid(half incineroar) who was part of an experiment and was saved by their adopted mother

HEADCANON TIME

Anomaly (noun):

"Something different, abnormal, peculiar, or not easily classified; something anomalous."

"The legend of the hybrids is a story that has lived in Paldea longer than most. In an age long past, there was once a fearsome group of monstrous creatures; monsters that bore the forms of Incineroar, that spoke the dialect of humankind. They terrorised villages and destroyed homes, and were hunted down to what was thought to be their extinction. Some say they can still hear the horrifying screams of these abominations in caves and cliff edges to this day, but none who explore these rumours have ever come back..."

Characters (in order): Nemona, Arven, Kieran

The reader is referred to with he/him pronouns, but is otherwise kept ambiguous in terms of everything but the fact that he is VERY tall. This is purely platonic!!

[author's note at the end!]

NEMONA is the first to meet you.

I think she would meet you in the beach area we find Korai/Miraidon

It was by complete accident, she was walking around and exploring when she suddenly heard what sounded like human voices echoing from off the ledge, so she investigated, worried that someone was hurt.

What she didn't expect was to see a group of people, with arms that faded into red paws, legs that did the same, tails that swished around, a fiery belt around their waists and two red and black ears coming out of short, thick red hair!

You locked eyes, and both of you were very nervous immediately. She had so many questions! But by the time she could get her brain back together to formulate any sort of a sentence, you and your pride took off into the caves.

She doesn't see you again for a few months - she almost thinks she dreamt the whole day up - until she's exploring those exact caves in search of some houndour to catch.

She's overencumbered, of course, because suddenly their houndoom appears and they're all surrounding her and her pokemon, and she knows she's definitely screwed up

Suddenly, there's a loud, earth-shaking roar, as you emerge with your pack at the cave's only other exit. The pack of hounds flinch at your intimidating forms and flee, and you make sure they stay gone before cautiously helping this human off of the ground.

She's stunned. The rambler can't form a thought. You tower over her, and your form fills her head with so many questions that she's afraid her head will explode, but again, you're gone before she can even get them out.

So, she starts staying around the cave when she knows it's safe. She finally has the courage and the power to stop her brain from frying when she sees you, so she wants to get to know you. You see her, of course, from afar, but you don't go near her. The humans can't know.

Until she finds you anyway, and she tries to introduce herself.

You're cautious. This woman is half your height, you could literally crush her, but she's holding out her hand to you and telling you her name, as if that idea isn't looming above her like a vice. It is. She's very scared.

"....[Y/N]." You caution, shaking her hand as she beams. "So you can talk!?" She asks, making you cringe from her volume. "Yes?" You say.

From there, you grow to be unlikely friends. She swears she won't tell anyone who you are! She swears she won't let anyone know she's seen you - it'll be your little secret!

Yeah. Guess how long that lasted. Now take that guess and halve it. It took three days for her to crack and spill to Arven. Penny overheard by pure accident, too, and Nemona made them swear to not tell anyone.

"Didn't you also swear that?!" Arven had demanded. Nemona immediately changed the subject.

Finding two more humans in your den was irritating, but Nemona made you feel like you couldn't stay mad at her. This, in turn, made you even more frustrated.

Nemona likes to feel your fur and insists you're so soft that she feels like she can go to sleep on you. You deny her that leisure as soon as you can.

She likes learning about how you and your pack live, coexisting with other pokemon. You tell her it's an oddly isolating life; stuck between pokemon and human with no way of ever fitting into either category. It's why you live in this cave. It's safer here.

"Isn't it...lonely?"

"...yes. it is. but it's necessary for our survival as a pack."

Nemona feels very sorry for you, but makes up for it by always sneaking off to hang with you as much as she can.

You find you like the insight these new humans have, so you don't mind their stay.

ARVEN is very intimidated when he meets you.

For a researcher, you would've thought Nemona's story about Pokehumans would be completely blasphemous to him.

You would be wrong.

He believed her instantly, without so much as a photo of proof. It was Penny who managed to get him to realise how off that sounded.

The three of them took to researching anything about these supposed hybrids that they could. Arven was the one to find the old folkstory. It scared him.

"Nemona, you can't go back there. Look at this! These things are obviously just trying to kill you!"

Nemona is VERY quick to jump to your defense. "Arven! He saved me from those houndour and houndoom I was trying to fight! He saw that I could've been hurt and he stepped in and saved me!"

Penny remarked the unusual behaviour.

Arven wasn't buying your charity act.

"Until I see proof that these things exist, let alone are docile, I'm not believing a word." He crossed his arms.

"Great, come meet them then!"

"What?!"

And thus, Nemona and Arven set off while Penny did more research into the beings.

When your new human friend arrives to your spot in the cave, you see she's dragging along with her a blond haired man. This sets you on edge, and unfortunately, you and your pack immediately rising to defend your home gives off a bad first impression.

Arven tries to pull Nemona away, to escape, to fight back, to hide, to do anything but stand there and try to reason with them Nemona please for the love of Arceus let's GO

Nemona apologises to you for accidentally spilling your secret and it takes quite a while for you to tell your pack to stand down. You come to face them, and Arven stares at you with unhidden horror. You huff. He flinches with a whimper.

"[Y/N], this is Arven. Arven, this is [Y/N]. He leads the pack." Nemona's voice is steady but it's easy to see she's nervous. You can basically smell the fear on them.

It takes an even longer while for Arven to calm down enough to look at you properly. Multiple visits, where you aren't alone together, and then he eventually realises you don't pose a threat unless he does, which, to be fair, in your eyes he never did.

(you're pretty sure you could blink and he'd disintegrate. you don't say this, for fear that the idea will have the same effect.)

Eventually, you warm up to him and his Mabostiff companion, and he warms up to you enough to be alone with you and the pack.

He sews up some of your clothes, noticing the wear and tear of them. Like most of your interactions, it takes a while for you to let him, but once you do, he acknowledges the trust you have in him and is very careful.

Before long, he becomes your medic too. He teaches you about these wonderful things called sandwiches that you have in these events deemed picnics, and in turn he notes your behaviours and temperaments.

It's a mutually beneficial relationship. You trust him and he trusts you. He becomes your second "friend".

[For this next segment, I am going to say that the preface is that Carmine and Kieran are looking into urban legends around Paldea and they come across the one about your pack. This next section is assuming Nemona, Arven and Penny either never found you, or found you later. Consider this the other path in the road if you will! :)]

KIERAN meets you in the plateaued mountains of Paldea, on a mission to prove you're real.

In hindsight, the circumstances could've been better.

He'd been injured on the mountains by a rogue Zigzagoon, and he was currently trying to call for help.

No, as in, he was yelling 'Help'. He's a kid without a phone, man.

You hear his cries and, against your better judgement, you command the pack to hide and look for the voice yourself.

Lo and behold, you find a small boy, no older than a kit, and he's bleeding around his leg. A Dipplin and a Grigar are looking on in concern for their trainer, and, though weakened, they jump to defend when they see you approach.

Alerted by the sounds of his pokemon amping to attack, he looks and he sees you, the terrifying hybrid creature he'd read about in tales of old.

In those tales, this was the part where he became a fatality.

He was paralysed with fear, the pain of his leg long forgotten as he stared up at you.

Death never came. Instead, you kneeled and spoke to the offensive Pokemon. Just like the stories, you spoke perfectly human. Your voice was gravelly and rough, but completely comprehensible.

"He needs assistance."

The Pokemon spoke back to you. You seemed to dislike their answer.

"I do not wish to hurt him. If you want that wound to get worse, then I'll leave. But if you want that kit to keep that leg of his, I can help."

Kieran's Pokemon looked back at his trembling form, before resigning to a nod. You turned your gaze to focus on the boy, who seemed to be on the verge of a heart attack.

"I can help you, young one."

He shook his head.

"Your leg. It is bleeding."

Hating the way his words failed him, he slowly nodded.

"If you do not let me help you, that will hurt more and it will get worse. You cannot get to a Pokemon Centre from here by yourself. Allow me to help you."

Grigar and Dipplin had returned to his side and offered their concerned support once again. Soothed very slightly by his Pokemon, Kieran swallowed the lump in his throat and slowly, he nodded.

You were careful with the kit. You took him first to your pack and used some natural resources to bandage the wound and stop the bleeding. You crafted a stilt to keep his leg from moving with some wooden crutches, and then you left him near the edge of the woods, near a centre, where his Pokemon could then aid him in getting him the rest of the way.

In that time, he'd asked you some questions.

"How long have you been out here?"

"Centuries."

"And...you don't ever get seen?"

"We do. Most of your kind is violent first without thinking. That lack of trust almost made me not help you. But to go as low as those who cross that line would be to prove them right."

"So...you helped me to prove them wrong?"

"No, young one. I helped you because it's the right thing to do, and you are only small."

He was tended to quickly when he was seen by his own kind. Questions were thrown at him without even so much as the minute it took to sit him down. "Who bandaged this? Where did you learn to make these crutches? How did you get back down here without encountering any more trouble?"

He looked back at where he could faintly see your outline. You were watching him to make sure he was safe.

"...I just did." He said, refusing to elaborate.

With a nod, you disappeared into the woods, and the boy never saw you again. He didn't need to. He had all the proof he needed, and it'd stay with him for the rest of his life.

He could feel you watching him sometimes, when he was exploring the plateau with his sister. But he never really saw more than a flickering trail of embers or a rogue tail swishing as you undoubtedly left for your pack.

Your protection made him smile.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Okay so first and foremost, where are Penny and Carmine??

To be completely honest, I didn't know how to write either of them in this situation! I felt that Penny would be much like a diluted version of Arven, and that Carmine would be almost identical to Nemona, and maybe it's just my brain but I couldn't figure how to articulate that. So my sincerest apologies for that.

Otherwise, I hope that this was a nice little read! I liked the idea of trying to figure out how to hybrid an incineroar with a human, and I found a lot more trouble in it than I initially thought I would!

Thank you so much for this request, it was a real mind boggler to be honest, but incredibly fun nonetheless.

Send me your requests in my inbox! Otherwise, ciao for now ♡

[vote-gaara]

What are some of the cringiest things he's said

Y'know, I love Gaara so much. If he were real, I'd take a bullet for him - go to war for him, even. For him I have literally delved into the darkest depths of hyper-fixation and character worship that is definitely not normal, nor healthy.

And y'know what I discovered?

To truly appreciate a character to their very core is to look at them as a complex individual with both horrible flaws and outstanding feats.

And so I ask that you join me in absolutely lampooning Gaara for the benefit of character analysis, because although we love him dearly, he has said and done some truly cringe things that I, for one, love him for. So let's gooooo...

Cringiest things Gaara has ever said:

So before I really get into this, I gotta say that all of these things (except for one) have come from chunin Gaara. Now don't get me wrong, when I first read this series, I didn't think Gaara was cringe at all; in fact, I thought that his character "went hard" as the kids say these days (if they do say that), but as I've matured, and Gaara's character developed, I can look back at those early days and be like "oh...yikes....that was definitely a little cringe-worthy!" EVEN THOUGH when I was a teenager, I was thinking the exact opposite.

"It annoys me you'd lose control in a quarrel with children" and "You're a disgrace to our village" - Chapter 35 Okay, so this isn't really that cringe on the surface level, and it isn't cringy when Gaara is first introduced. In fact, Gaara seems kinda noble (though scary) here because he is stopping Kankuro from wailing on some kids he just met...But...In the context of who Gaara is, this is really cringy because it's so hypocritical of him, which almost makes it kinda depressing, too. It's clear that Gaara is labelling Kankuro a "disgrace to our village" even though it's Gaara who is carrying that burden because of how Suna sees him...Definitively a bit of sad projection on Gaara's part. Which, speaking about "losing control in a quarrel with children" Gaara literally becomes unhinged and blows an entire operation by "losing to a quarrel" soooooo... Also....Gaara...you're 12, and referring to children as if they aren't only like 5 years younger than you is a little funny (but kinda sweet too).

Any instance of "shut up or I'll kill you" directed at Kankuro Cringy because if you have siblings, you get it. You can say some mean things to your brothers and sisters while growing up together, especially over really dumb stuff, and then when you all mature and get older, you turn around and (hopefully) laugh about it later. Again this isn't really cringy in the moment, but definitely a little cringe when you know how the story plays out and the two brothers become BFFs. Also Gaara never acted on these threats, he was just doing it to bully Kankuro, which made a weird dynamic where Kankuro was both terrified of Gaara but also willing to still do and say stuff that always made Gaara threaten him. They're just both a bunch of squabblers, honestly.

"Bitter crimson tears flow from life-less eyes..." -Chapter 58/59 Not the whole quote, but man when I was a teenager, I though this was soo deep and cool. However, now I read that and it's just like: "awww....he wrote a...poem, I guess."

All of chapter 97 Where he's explaining to Shikamaru and Naruto a bit of his backstory while he's attempting to kill Lee at the hospital. This really isn't cringe in the generic "second hand embarrassment" way but more cringe as in wincing at something that makes you so empathetic that you have to shake it off. You can really tell in this chapter how hurt Gaara is, and how much self-hatred he holds for himself. I mean, even reading the chapter now you can tell how much in bothered him that he "took the like of a woman he would have called mother." He references it so many times and it just breaks my heart how much he loved and cared about Karura, even when he was lost. Then him talking about "needing a reason to live or he may as well be dead" just shows that he thinks of himself as a failure because he wasn't able to be the perfect military weapon for his terrible father. Just ugh...UGH! Kills me.

"To verify my existence" - Chapter 99 He says this to Baki when Baki asks him where he thinks he's going, and the statement just gives off hilarious "moody teenager" vibes.

When Gaara is spying on Sasuke during the Chunin exams (I forget what chapter) Essentially Gaara and Sasuke are having this really intense conversation about having a fight to the death over who can be the saddest person, when Kakashi is just like "wait, you're talking about some type of fight to the death???" I don't know... but Kakashi's line always cracks me up because one minute he's training Sasuke, and the next minute he's spectating two 12 year old boys swearing their life long rivalry and how much they want to kill each other, and I can just imagine Kakashi is thinking "why are all the children I know like this???".

Also, when Gaara is fighting Sasuke in the arena and he's being manipulated by Shukaku, he says some pretty cringy things, but he gets a pass cause it wasn't his fault.

Oh, and I don't think this is cringy, but Temari thought it was pretty bone-headed when Gaara asked "what are your hobbies?" to the woman he was supposed to marry in Gaara Hiden.

I didn't find that cringe, though. Just adorable.

Thanks for the question! I'm actually glad Gaara started off saying some pretty wild things, because it really show cases just how far he's come, and his growth and resilience is honestly what makes me love him so much.

[itslenagain]

How did I figure out I was a lesbian at 27?

Hi I'm high on cold medicine & I've had people ask me before how I figured out that I am a lesbian vs bi/pan sooo here is a long post on my journey & how I figured out I'm not actually into men!

I started out by establishing these very basic facts:

While I have had serious relationships with men, there was always an underlying feeling of discomfort surrounding those relationships that I struggled to identify

While (at that time) I had not had a serious relationship with a woman, I found that I did not feel that discomfort during past romantic and sexual encounters with women

I have always felt romantic and sexual attraction towards women (though I am definitely ace-spec, which I will discuss further below), but don't really experience those attractions towards men

I have significant relationship trauma related to previous relationships with men, and also significant childhood trauma. TRAUMA/MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT A CAUSE OF QUEERNESS! But, it was important for me to address this in my specific situation (will discuss in more detail below)

Once I had established the facts, I started to analyze a little further. One thing that was helpful for me to learn about comphet and to understand the role it played in how I viewed romantic relationships. If you've found this post because you are questioning and you're unsure about what comphet is or what it means, this article explains how comphet is taught throughout childhood and the potential consequences it may have on queer teens and adults.

Which leads us to,

Part 1: Understanding my Tragic Backstory™️

I, unfortunately like many other queer people, was raised in a very cisheteronormative home where my parents were openly transphobic and, while slightly quieter about it, homophobic. When my parents talked to me about my future, their idea of my future absolutely included me finding a man and having his children. It was almost unthinkable for them to imagine I could have any other goal in life. That was how they were raised, and in turn, that's how they raised me. I often felt like I was fighting for their approval.

I knew from my early teens that I liked girls.

(It would take me until my mid-20's to figure out that I am non-binary but that's a story for another post)

For my 13th birthday party, my friends and I rode a limo to go to see the Twilight movie in theaters, since we all were obsessed with the books. My friends were arguing over whether Edward or Jacob would be the better kisser (don't act like you weren't cringe at 13) and the whole time I could not imagine myself kissing literally any of the men in that movie. Now, Rosalie? Oh my GOD I wanted her to step on me. Alice? Please, climb on top of me and do my eyeliner. I shipped Bella and Alice, but also Bella and Bree, because of course I did. 🐀✨️

At that time in my life, I also would regularly attend Catholic mass every Sunday with my neighbor. She was like a grandmother to me, she was one of my safe spaces away from my parents. I looked up to her. We would drink coffee at her kitchen table and chat about school and about life. She taught me how to crochet. We both loved to sing and would sit in the front row together so we could be close to the piano at church. I didn't know she had any kids of her own until she told me about her daughter. She would talk about her in a way that you could tell it pained her. She told me how her daughter made a decision that disappointed her, how she prayed every Sunday that she would see the light and come back to the church.

The decision her daughter made? Marrying a woman.

So despite knowing and recognizing that I was attracted to women, knowing that not only my parents, but also this person who at the time I seriously looked up to, would likely not be accepting of me dating women, I felt like I had to hide. It also made me believe that maybe I *was* attracted to men, I just hadn't met the right one yet. Yes, I even told everyone I was Team Edward.

When I was 14, I ended up in a 3 month relationship with someone who at the time identified as a girl (has since figured out he's a trans guy) and felt ready to talk to my parents. I planned to come out to them as bisexual. They were NOT okay with this. Mom said that bisexual doesn't exist (booo) and that I wasn't allowed to be a lesbian because women could never possibly have happy relationships with each other (she does not have any long-term female friendships) and she didn't want me to have a "miserable life" (I feel sad for anyone who is miserable around women tbh).

Cue the part where I decided to try dating a man to see what it was like and ended up in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue parents telling me that I can't base my sexuality on one bad experience! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue my neighbor telling me God was preparing a man for me and I just had to be patient and trust in the Lord to find him! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue therapists who told me I probably felt uncomfortable around men because I was traumatized and I'd eventually get over it! ✨️🎉🎊

Cue friends, family, and random strangers telling me it's okay and it's "not all men" and one day I'd find the perfect man who would "fix my broken heart!" ✨️🎉🎊

So you can see how I became confused by all of this! Part of me wanted to believe that I *could* still be attracted to men, that I *could* have a healthy relationship with one, and anytime I had doubts, I'd basically end up gaslighting myself and blaming my trauma.

Which brings us to,

Part 2: Maybe I *did* just need to meet the right man?

I did not have any positive male role models growing up. My parents' marriage was, to put it mildly, not great. It's a common thing in media to see men and women in relationships that don't even really seem to like each other! Comedians make a killing off of the "old ball & chain" type jokes. Straight people often speak of their spouses as if they're an annoyance.

So when you consider all of that, how the hell was I supposed to know what I am supposed to feel towards men?

I could talk for hours about all the negative experiences I've had with men, but when analyzing my feelings, I decided to zoom in on what was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had with a man. I felt like that was the less biased lens to view my feelings towards men through, despite it ending in a not-so-great way.

Junior year of high school, I met a man through a mutual friend who thought we'd make a cute couple. He made me feel... less uncomfortable than most other men did. So romantic, I know. I was not attracted to him, but he was someone who I would say was definitely conventionally attractive. I wanted to give it a shot, so we started spending more time together, at first just talking in the hallway or during lunch, to eventually seeing each other outside of school.

As he and I began to open up to each other more, we discovered that we both had sexual trauma. I felt that he understood me on a level that a lot of people did not understand me at that point in my life. He said he felt that way about me, too. We formed a connection over it, and for a while, he became my safe space. We were together for almost 2 years. I honestly believe that the attention and care that he treated me with when it came to sex, when it came to our relationship, and my history, that all helped me heal parts of my trauma. I don't think I could be comfortable with sex in the way I am today without having had that safe environment he created for me. I think I would not be as comfortable in relationships as I am if it were not for him.

I still wanted to believe I was capable of being attracted to men, so I hoped that maybe with time, with him, it would happen.

It did not.

Even though I was comfortable spending time with him, and comfortable having sex with him, it still all felt a little off to me, and I couldn't understand why. It felt like there was something missing. Things were really good with us for probably the first year and a half, but got ugly towards the end. I was struggling with things inside myself and took it out on him. He cheated on me. It hurt a lot at the time, but I made my peace with it. I forgive him. I hope he forgives me.

But, the point here is, that even with a man who was seemingly "the right man," I still did not experience romantic or sexual attraction, just an emotional connection.

So then I thought,

Part 3: Well, maybe I'm just ace?

I've always had fewer crushes than my friends. They would just call me picky. I don't think being picky is a bad thing! But when I started thinking about this in terms of my romantic and sexual orientation, I started to wonder if maybe it was because I did not fall on the same end of the spectrum as they did.

Asexuality is a wide spectrum that encompasses people who don't experience sexual attraction in the way allosexual people do. There are Ace people who are completely repulsed by the idea of sex, there are Ace people who feel indifferent about it, there are Ace people who feel other types of attractions but maybe not sexual attraction, there's demisexual and graysexual and all the orientations that fall under that umbrella.

I am someone who loves sex. It's fun, it's creative. It can be casual, or it can be a way you connect yourself to another person on another level. On the other hand, I also don't think sex is 100% necessary in order to have a healthy long-term romantic relationship, and my sex drive in general is on the low side.

Through exploration, I've discovered that it's almost impossible for me to feel sexually attracted to a person that I don't have some sort of existing connection with. This probably puts me somewhere on the demisexual spectrum. However, because I have been able to form celebrity crushes (though very rare) I tend to identify myself as graysexual. The things that make me sexually attracted to someone are inconsistent. I don't really have a "type."

It took me a looong time to work out the difference between "I want sex and this person is available" and "this person specifically is who I am interested in having sex with." They sound similar! It was easy for me to confuse the two! The more that I evaluated these feelings and worked through them, I was able to fully recognize the difference; all of my sexual encounters with men fell into that first category, most of my sexual encounters with women fell into the second.

I am a person who enjoys sex, and I *can* have sex with men, but it's not really because I *want* to have sex with men. This was a very awkward discovery to make at 26 when I had been married to a man for several years. However, it helped me understand some of the dynamics of that relationship (as well as past ones) and was the gateway to me wanting to further my understanding of my sexuality.

Which got me thinking,

Part 4: What makes me want to date a person, anyways?

By the time I was thinking about this part of the question, I was about to turn 27, married to a man, we had 2 kids, I had just come out as non-binary. My husband was an okay man. We had plenty of ups and downs, just like anyone. Realizing that I wasn't sexually attracted to him was definitely rough, but I still believed that the more I thought it out and worked on myself, I'd realize that everything was okay afterall and we'd survive my minor identity crisis.

(We did not. The divorce was finalized last month.)

When I met my ex-husband, I was 19 years old and wanting desperately to get away from my family. It was an incredibly turbulent time in my life. He was 26 (I know, I'm grossed out by it now, too) and finishing up college. We worked together. The flirting started almost immediately. I liked the attention. We started dating, and 6 months in, he proposed. We got married on our 1 year dating anniversary. I still had that weird feeling that something was off, but I blamed myself and just assumed it would get better. Just for a little backstory there. I am the literal definition of "don't date a man when you're 19"

I started really thinking about the things that made me interested in dating someone. I'd never really thought much about it before. I sat down and made a chart of all of my past relationships (and even some crushes) and wrote down the things that made me want to date that person. I literally cried reading it. Full-on existential crisis. There was such a stark contrast between the things that made me want to date women vs the things that made me want to date men.

Some of the common themes when it came to my crushes/relationships with women:

Being around her makes me happy

I spend all day and all night thinking about her

She's thoughtful, I love her mind, etc

We have some common interests

She's beautiful, I could stare at her all day, I'm attracted to her, etc

She makes me want to do (insert romantic thing here)

I can imagine a future for us & it makes me want to be alive so we can have it

Sounds pretty cute, right? Like, that's what a crush should feel like! When I think about dating women, it just makes me feel so warm and I want to give her the world.

Some common themes when it came to relationships with men:

I was tired of being lonely

There was something he could provide for me that I needed (ie emotional support, attention, money etc)

Other people thought it was a good idea so I wanted to try it

He asked me out

He seems nice

Umm. Wow. Yeah. You get my point here? Note that when I tried to think of any men I had a crush on, I couldn't think of any other than Gordon Ramsey (listen I like food and I feel like that man could eat pussy like a pro)

The more I analyzed my relationships with men, the more I realized that there were a lot of.... transactional elements? Like. Yes, I can do romance with this man, as long as he pays the bills... yes, I can do sex with this man, as long as I am completely in charge of everything... whereas with women, it's not conditional. It's not "I can make myself do this for her," it's "I want to do this for her."

For a long time, I believed this was normal. But in the past few years, I've seen couples who are actually happy with each other, people in nice, stable relationships, people who love each other unconditionally, and I just thought, oh my God, *that's* what is missing for me. That's why my relationships feel off. I just kept putting myself into relationships I was not happy with or did not want.

Now I'm 29, I'm divorced, I'm out to everyone (including my family - mom has calmed down a bit, dad is still weird about it) and I am very happy with my girlfriend! I still have a long way to go in terms of healing and really fully understanding myself, but I feel like I've made so many big steps forward on that front.

Part 5: But what if you're wrong?

That's the thing - it's possible I'm wrong. Maybe I am indeed bisexual. Maybe I actually do like men, I'm just not as healed from my trauma as I think I am. Yeah, it's possible, I guess.

There's one thing I know for sure that I'm definitely not wrong about - I am gay as fuck for girls. I love women. Being around women makes me want to be alive. Being around women makes my heart feel whole. I honestly cannot for the life of me imagine myself ever dating a man again.

We all have that voice in our head that makes us doubt, that makes us feel like an imposter, that makes us think we aren't worthy. For a long time, that voice has been telling me that I am not good enough to be loved and I don't deserve to be happy. It's still there, it still tells me that sometimes. You know what though? I'm kicking its ass right now. I look at how far I've come in the past few years and I say "I have spent too long hating myself. I have spent too long trying to shove myself into boxes I don't belong in."

I am finally in a place in my life where I feel like happiness is within reach, and I'm going to keep reaching for it.

I am a lesbian. I am proud of that.

Part 6: Conclusions

I am gay as fuck for women

I love my girlfriend

You can evaluate your life at any time. It's never too late to figure out who you are.

Don't try to put yourself into a box you don't belong in to please other people

It took me 14 years to figure out what I actually wanted even though I already kinda knew. Be kind to yourself if it takes a while for you to figure it out. There's no rush

If you're here because you're questioning, I love you, you've got a friend in me, you are worthy of happiness and love, please don't settle for less

This post is brought to you by Mucinex & Sudafed brrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[ramenwritesss]

nobody asked me to answer, but I’m gonna anyways 😝

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats 

Idk how to do that lol

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

I couldn’t find any fics that I wanted bc I’m too specific, so I started writing. It was purely for fun and I wasn’t fully thinking about the fact that people might actually read it AND enjoy it lol

  🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love

me and some of my moots from TikTok created this playlist lol (it’s, like, 14 hours long)

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that? Idk what that means but ima go off of what I’m thinking and that is just editing while proof reading and I enjoy it! 10/10

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

🙏👉😁🔥💀 (no, it’s not abt the burning church 💀🙏)

🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help?

I’m new here, I have no EXTREMELY close moots so idk. But @paul-ster seems pretty chill so probably them (

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

I HAVE SO MANY I LOVE! But if I had to choose rn Soracha for the author and “Ron Weasley and His First Year at Hogwarts” by snoopy_owl. Two of my favs!

💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now? 

none, believe it or not. I constantly check it for ao3 updates. But I also have three separate yt accounts so I get regular emails abt comments and updates and I normally check them everyday. The only exception is one email I use for spam sites like grammarly, that email has 408 unread emails.

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis

@fictionalcharactergraveyard

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both? 

ooo, neither tbh. Unless its a one-shot or a mini fic where I add a S/O or like my unpublished Uber fic where I had to add several OG characters, I don’t like adding new ones bc I think it disrupts the story a lot and I normally don’t read fics when people do that. And personally, unless it’s the ones that are supposed to be halrious and satire, I think self-inserts are kinda cringey bc most people who write them over-sexulize the characters and add weird stuff in that makes me cringe (key word: MOST not ALL) but also I just cant imagine myself dating someone let alone my comfort characters.

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

I don’t think I have any

🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?

I just can’t get into the writing mood. But when I start it’s really hard to stop

  🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

PURLY! I love to think Curly calls pony “Mi Amor” or like calls him pet names in Spanish. I think it’s really cute

🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual?

literally don’t be fake as hell. Don’t be all shy and sweet like, if you are comeback or Yapping king/queen then tell me bc we can yap together. Like, If I can call you Pookie within the first four interactions, we are besties, considered us married at that point

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

I’m redecorating my room, I got a new puppy, and- wait, bitch, who gives a fuck, let’s be honest 💀🙏

📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?

can’t say bc it’s an unpublished chapter of a on going fic 😝

  🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Harry Potter is kinda an ass

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I don’t write anything too bizarre so I can’t think of anything

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

strive to accomplish what you set as a goal, not what society set as a standard or a must

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

My comfort character gets ignored hard core, makes new friends, get into shenanigans, and then a lot of angst ensues. Who would write it best? Mmm…Fictionalcharacter graveyard or Soracha

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

if you have a scene you want to write for a fic, start writing it but ONLY WRITE THE DIALOGUE. You can add who said it but I do it all the time and it gives me new ideas and gradually helps me continue a fic. It’s also easier to add detail in between when you are focused on that instead of getting to the next dialogue scene.

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

Nick Sturniolos iconic “Then he will taste the rainbow while he goes out”

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

“I LOVE THIS, I CAN’T WAIT FOR ANOTHER CHAPTER!” Then they go on an entire yap session about how they think the fic will turn out or parts they’re excited for. It always makes me happy to see someone enjoy my hobby as much as I do even though we have different perspectives 🤭

🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate

Alr, ik im gonna get backlash but i cant stand Cherry Valence. 1. I will give it to her, she’s a downright badass.

2. her hair is really pretty

3. She was nice to pony at the drive in, I’ll give her some points (still don’t like her too much tho)

🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told?

Not much. Okay, this is gonna sound so fricking clique but that last lie I told was “Yeah, I’m fine, just tired” even though I know damn well I’m probably depressed asf

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

I have only older siblings and every time one moves out, I stop talking to them so I don’t become the annoying youngest sister, so I’m afraid their gonna forget about me, and they probably will. I only have two siblings that still live with me so that’s only two more people left to forget me before I’m totally alone lol. (Depressed, see?)

  🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? 

book writers that can describe really well.

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

I think I’m too impatient and give myself an unrealistic deadline for stuff

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

I like them a lot!

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

I’ll add that later lol

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

it was a name my family wouldn’t be able to find. I’m embarrassed to write bc my family LOVES to pick out your insecurities and hobbies and never let you live them down.

🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them

again, I’m new here, so nobody here is my “supporter” but @shae-pine has liked all of my posts so ig them? I got to say, that “The Youngest (The Favorite)” fic I really liked! Ur also just the sweetest person ever! 😭🫶🏻

🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them

I have 7 (I had 8 but my cat passed away yesterday, RIP in the comments for Sophie 🩵)

I won’t post pics because that’s a large file 😭🙏

🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it

I DONT HAVE THE LINK BUT I LOVE THIS

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

self insert, too much OOC scenes, pairings I don’t like, oc’s/characters unless it’s the character I’m reading abt, pure smut or p*rn, over sexulization or romanticizing R*pe, over detailed non-con, specific characters are dead, and the fic doesn’t focus on a character that I wanna read about.

[galaxae]

if youre still doing the ocverse ask game, 3 and 19? 🥺

ougghhh i so totally still am. i'm mainly fixated on my stupid ass video game idea (working title is gods don't bleed but i want to change it bc it doesn't fit as well anymore)

forgive me if this is incoherent, my boyfriend dislocated his knee so i have to care for him, and work has been terrible and burned me out, so i'm definitely leaving some stuff out of my answers :(, but whatever!!

3.) any recurring images/elements?

absolutely yes. lots of imagery of plants and animals, for one. fire vs. ice too, yes i know it's a very commonly used trope but i like playing around with those two things, especially when i get to kinda subvert expectations with them. similarly with light vs. dark. and also colors vs black and white, both in terms of morality and in terms of actual visuals

19.) describe the sillies you think about but that dont go in the story.

in my mind, charity and fabian (the first two playable characters, and close friends) are exes. it's probably not going to be canonized, but it's also not going to be explicitly denied, so...

their first date was incredibly awkward, by the way. fabian was an ignorant rich kid who loved to pry and stick his nose in others' business and not let up until he knew everything about a situation, while charity was freshly in the "my mom and i were homeless, got taken in by a man, and then that man turned out to be very very bad so we had to flee the state and come to this small piece of shit town where no one realizes how privileged they are, and this all sucks, and i don't want to talk about it" mindset. they were also both 14-15 which is the worst age to be. they broke up so fast after this but now they've got a really solid friendship going a few years later, and charity has a different (cooler) partner

also, so many silly bits of dialogue that... i'm not sure they'll go into the game at all, or if they do, whether they'll just be optional bits. but some favorites include (formatted sorta like they would be in my script document):

KIMBERLY: Oh, hey, Fabián, you're in French 2 with me next semester. JAMAL: Wh... what? People actually take French? I thought that was a myth. FABIÁN: Well, I already know Spanish since everyone on my mom's side and, like, half of my dad's side speaks it. So I thought taking Spanish would be way too easy. CHARITY: You stupid son of a bitch. That's exactly why you should take Spanish.

ACE: Holy shit, I just got stung by a bee! FABIÁN: Are you ok??? Ace pulls the stinger out of their face ACE: LOOK! It's still pumping venom! That's so cool! CHARITY: What the fuck is wrong with you? ACE: What's wrong with you? Lookit!

JAMAL: Hey. Kimbie. KIMBERLY: Don't call me that, please. What is it? JAMAL: Spell ICUP. KIMBERLY: "ICUP?" JAMAL: Spell it. KIMBERLY: That's not a real word. Fake words don't have spellings. JAMAL: Can you at least try? KIMBERLY: Oh. Wait. I see. I-K-U-P. JAMAL: ... KIMBERLY: Does that suffice? Jamal looks as though he's about to cry. [Later that same day] JAMAL: Hey, uh, hey Kimbi-- Kimberly. Is it just me, or is your outfit kind of, uh, "updog?" KIMBERLY: What? JAMAL: Your outfit's kind of "updog." KIMBERLY: What does "updog" mean? JAMAL: ........Can you........... rephrase that, please? KIMBERLY: ? No. JAMAL: :/

also, there's a period of time when kimberly is in 9th grade where she gets really intensely into astrology. specifically so that she can Know A Lot About A Thing that other people don't know as much about. she'll see someone doing something, walk up to them and be like "what are you, an aries venus?" and when they don't understand the reference she'll be like "never mind :)" and feel smart. she no longer does this in the game because she realizes that's so cringe. and she has OTHER science to do, dammit!! (like proving the Weird Kid at school is a literal alien)

another fun fact: kimberly (resident genius) and jamal (who does not give a shit about academics) play chess together one time and jamal wins because kimberly is so perplexed by his newbie moves that she doesn't know how to respond to them.

oh... i didnt realize i had this many sillies... cool :)

yall are encouraged to send more asks if you want i love these blorbos

[mememanufactorum]

Things I've said to my friends out of context (July 2023 edition)

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED.

Stop tiptoeing your fucking death.

I see someone else has played Project Wingman.

Get your Taco Bell orchestrion roll.

I already know the smart thing to do in this situation, but when you're both enforcing it on me like this, it makes me want to buy it out of spite.

It'll just make my bank angrier, that's all.

Don't you flimflam me here, fucker.

HOW MANY LAYERS OF NEGATIVES ARE YOU GONNA BE ON?

HEY YOU WANNA SHOOT SOME OUTER GODS?

Have we just been Mandela Effecting ourselves this entire time into thinking that [name] was ever smart?

But there's a lot of little factors that probably wouldn't end up killing things that are already basically dead.

Dogs don't tend to like fireworks.

He wanted the magic fire stick.

I have TWO legs.

Where's the part where God sends down legally distinct Godzilla?

God wants to pick a fight with the human race? We're going to shoot God.

We don't quite have the power of God and anime on our side, but we do have the power of anime and a ridiculous defense budget.

One guy manages to survive and put out his own fire by RAPIDLY SPINNING on the ground.

Sure hope he found out he can punch his own shotgun blasts.

You know the funny thing? I wasn't about to yell at [name].

Man goes "Who the hell is Story of the Year?" I felt personally attacked.

I learned to claw and I liked it.

Just don't stare at the mirror, that way you don't have to worry about the mirror demons.

Whatever you do, don't look up Tallgeese Flugel.

Everything exists so [name] and [name] can slam and jam.

So I have finally found something that made me experience cringe overload for the first time in years.

I feel like I got gut-punched.

How the fuck did you make it through 90% of this game without ever using items?

You know how my ass has consistently played Pokemon since I was a kid? Pick my starter, literally use nothing but my starter, Unga Bunga my way through 100% of the game. Wing bang boom done.

Thank God we don't actually live in Armored Core timeline shenanigans, because something like this would probably result in war crimes between corporate mercenaries using mechs.

Missile launcher: Not actually a missile launcher. Just fires non-explosive, pointy, metal rods.

I also have food, you're not so special.

It wasn't just that I walked into a web, it's that fucking spooders kept shooting webs at me.

That's super fucking rude of you.

Fuck it. Take me, YHVH.

I'll blare Ace of Spades by Motorhead the whole time while we're on the freeway and the whole trip will take less than 2 hours.

Drop the bomb on me, [name]. I'm ready.

But if the dog comes to me and refuses to leave me, I have no choice but to give the affection.

I want to go back to the times where I could shitpost openly again.

Bad cosplay. He still has two arms.

So [name] is about to get BAJA BLASTED for once.

I am not sure what to say other than the fact that this sounds like an intricately layered shitcake.

Surely you would not mix and match M&M's and Skittles together, right?

You're both fucking creatures.

You fucking nondescript entity, beyond a creature at this point.

So I reserve the right to sit back and heckle from my heckler box.

I bet you ate it like a squirrel.

[nyasialiveshere]

This is gonna sound so fake, so for the past few days I had tyla water in my head for his like album concept.

possible spoiler alert ig idk

So like I think it's not made yet they must be creating the concept and finishing the details rn, cause otherwise they wouldn't be doing all this obvious stuff. So since we still got time left here's some themes I want to be in the album

Siren vibes, but they can also add in beach vibes as well like tropical

there can be a reverse little mermaid story for the shortfilm

orr more aqua marine upbeat vibes

or like a fusion and make it sci fi

Honestly idk I have a bunch of theories cause it can also be more like beyonce's photoshoot

I just think they should go more indie and artsy and leave out the huge dance numbers that don't fit

What if the album cover is like 2005 blue crush vibes

I think the mv can be filmed more scenic

I have this huge marine spirit theory I made but it's like..eh nobody even knows what that is. Apparently people think it's all based off of some freaking manga. When that's total b.s mermaid legends exist globally I highly doubt over a literal decade of water symbology since his DEBUT, is based off a manga, please. Specifically in africa, I would like to just post all my theories but I don't really want to. But I would love to tie in the south american catholic symbolism in rover, cause there's so much, and it honestly goes perfectly with this beach theme, but I really don't have anything to prove so.

There is also pirates of the caribbean influence in peaches and years ago he said that was his favorite movie and they had mermaids in one film.

At the same times there's also a lot of atlantis references in peaches so I'm curious if it will be a red herring or it will actually tie into the mythos. Because in rover and mhmm he was in a dry desert but there were hints of him being locked in some type of water tank? in mhmm. But that could be a reference to them using him as a power source because water is a conductor. Idc what the internet says oceanic water has lots of salt and can respond to electricity. Also lightning in the sky is possible due to clouds. It's science somewhere in there, the ions and water and air creates energy.

Again it's still dealing with the four elements and creation energy so they are almost treating him like the creator deities in ancient egypt.

Though I am interested in how they are going to pull off the siren theme because mermen aren't usually seen in the media.

Although he's had the symbolism for years.

But I would love to at least get a legit analysis out before the album. I was supposed to do one years ago but it's like idk how people would react to it.

his teasers were more or less based off the four elements well five including the ether and /or electricity.

But water and sea life was the most prominent symbol for him and it's seen in almost every project that he has

in reality he's mostly portraying a creation god which is why he's in so many teasers and the others are usually in the teasers with him. His time stopping powers begin from debut also.

So it's clear he's a primordial diety not a simple one. Which is why in rover he kept switching identities because they recreate themselves over and over again.

Honestly I think their was so much attention on him having so many teasers no one actually considered that there was an actual purpose behind them or the exo mythos. Due to the fact that a majority of the concepts became intertwined with so many pop cultural moments at the time. Particularly when they began reenacting twilight and it was seen as cringe, I think the mythos became a running gag rather than something people actually paid attention to. Also there's so many cross references with other pop cultural works in kji's albums and things they were trying to recreate it got all muddled up so now people don't tie things together.

Like after peaches era they took a break and let him perform and tour. They still were continuing the mythos. There was tons of little easter eggs. I don't think I was psychic when I kept predicting what his next album was going to be it's just common sense. They always made sure his projects lined up with one another. They just also cover it up with so much drama and mess most people forget about it cause it "doesn't matter" the gossip matters even though it disappears after like few months.

Andante 2017 he had a love interest named Bom

Bom in Korean means spring

He volunteers at a hospice and frequently gets involved in their lives. He becomes emotionally attached to them and fixes varies issues for other people. In the show he acts like a guardian angel of sorts.

In the end of the show Bom "dies" of a brain disease but he still imagines her as being there.

2017

Kokobop

In the music video he has a tattoo of an angel on his neck

 January 13, 2018 

He was in a drama called spring has come

The female main character was called Naoko which in japanese means

In the show Naoko was innocent and easily tricked by Jiwon and was deceived by his charming and innocent appearance, frequently helping him out and loaning him money in hopes of him creating a life with her. She did all of it in hopes that he would marry her, but emotionally he was traumatized by his mother trying to murder him.

The show is a metaphor for death and birth shown by the visualizations of marriage and intimacy. Spring representing rebirth and creation.

Jiwon acted as the director of the family and was able to "fix them" and make them perfect just like he does his subject in the first episode.

Due to his interference the family goes from disgruntled to happy. Although his motives remain unknown.

April 2, 2018

he played an angel in miracle that we met that accidentally takes the wrong life and must try to fix the situation. It's a mix of guardian angel/ greek gods messing with the affairs of humans. He tries to reunite the original husband and wife but can't. Throughout the show he tries to make it up to her and they develop and emotional bond.

It reminds me of the concept of the film the preacher's wife where dudly is supposed to be helping the married couple but ends up falling for the wife himself. To be fair he only began getting entangled with the wife after the husband abandoned her but still

I do find it interesting that most gifs are of him and the female character that he dances with at the end of the show, but that "female character" is actually his male shapeshifting boss Mao and there was no romance there. I believe they are actually spiritual brothers.

The only "romance" or emotional subplot he had on the show is with the wife character

But I think cause of the age gap it went over people's head, even though his character is most likely older than her but whatever.

I think people don't understand subtlety in romance drama's like he picked out her clothes it's kinda obvious.

This angel who doesn't follow instructions character also coincidentally would align with his rover symbolism where he "played" a fallen angel.

It's especially interesting because Mao was known as the one with 10,000 faces or identities

the writing on the portal is also not korean, I couldn't find out exactly but it looks thai or arabic or based off that type of script? Enochian? Idk

It's almost like they like maybe pushed to get him roles that tied into the exo mythos. They apparently have a binder all the way from the 80s or 90s from lsm.

In the show the kids who encountered Ato and saw his powers in person join a forum called miracle that we met, which is where the title of the show comes from. The forum is a place where people trade stories about seeing supernatural beings like angels and aliens.

One of the kids in the show theorized that Ato was just a model that nasa had created--- some type of a.r model characters to roam around the earth and mess with people. Which is really interesting cause at the time nobody really knew about that. This came out after the space force began to publicize more information about their projects.

But this show was in 2018...interesting.

Even more interesting is that Kai had an Augmented reality type concert film.

Like they're getting a little too sloppy. So I'm pretty sure I can figure out the theme or at least I can try.

end of pt 1

[that-english-nerd]

Nobody Wants This: An Imperfect Perfect Love Story

Okay, so I finally got around to watching Nobody Wants This, and I was right. It did indeed consume me. I was pleasantly surprised (more at myself for being able to remain critical then at the show's contents itself) at how some of the elements either did not work for me or made me side eye the characters and the writing. Let's get into it:

The Good:

The romance: My god, when she's like, "It's crazy we haven't kissed yet" and he agrees and then proceeds to give her the most knee-shaking kiss ever? Yeah. Yeah. I'd be fully off to the races, too. There were be no sense in my head either, just fluffy gooeyness. They nailed the romance. From building up the tension between key relationship moments, and the catharsis of letting out all that tension. Very good. Very good. These two idiots were clearly very taken with each other, the intimacy was very well portrayed, the yearning even more so. From the get, these two yearn to make it work, and that makes us want to believe that they'll make it past all of their obstacles.

The communication: They made communication sexy. That's it. That's all I have to say. As cringe as it might been watching them open up at times, the fact they did it and the other person received is more important than whatever discomfort, cringeyness or judgement I might've had at how their characters are portrayed (more on that later). And I love that they did a lot of it.

The side characters: I loved all the side characters. They felt just as real and important not only to the main characters but also to the story as our love interests. I love how everyone had their own intentions like Esther begrudgingly having fun with Joanne even though she's besties with Rebecca, Morgan believing Rebecca and telling Joanne because she's her sister first and she believes women, Sasha just doing his best honestly. It all made for a fun social political layer on top of the romance that made everything juicier.

COMPLEX FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS: Literally every single woman in this show was complex and nuanced and had complex and nuanced relationships with each other. Rebecca's conversation with Joanne? I could never do what Joanne did or Rebecca did in that moment. Such a powerful conversation. The politics of Rebecca lying to Morgan? Esther confiding in her husband about things Rebecca told her? And at the end of it all, the women still respect each other the most. Chef's kiss.

Judaism's portrayal: This was a really refreshing take on religion. Noah's first sermon about not hesitating to take the lifeboat because maybe that's God showing you the way was such a poignant modern rendition of faith that touched even me. And him bringing Shabbat to her really made me remember how religion must have gotten its hold on us silly humans in the beginning--it's a place to come together, to enjoy life and make each other stronger. In general, I enjoyed the potrayal of community & family structures in both its good and bad lights. I'm glad we got to see religion be portrayed in a good light. Am I bitter its Judaism while Muslims are still oppressed terrorists? Yes. Especially in the shadow of the Palestine War. But I suppose that's neither here nor there, just a little note in my notebook.

Family structures/Different worlds: I like how the show really showed how different the families Noah & Joanna come from are, and how they shaped them with unique flaws & strengths. Joanne's family made her open to uncomfortable topics and chasing her own desires whereas Noah's family made him reliable and community-focused.

The Bad:

Joanne was too much of a white girl for me. She had so many moments where her selfishness and privilege were really a turn off. When she's talking about how all of his friend's wives don't like because she's dating their friend's ex-would-be-fiance and how "it's the absolute largest problem I've ever had in my life"--yeah, I couldn't help but hate her a little bit, and hate that this is the type of female lead we get.

Noah considering asking her to convert nearly immediately after being offered the position of head rabbi was insane. Did not leave a good taste in my mouth because he knows damn well that is not something you ask lightly, especially of someone you've only been seeing for a few months. The level of delusion there did not sit well with me because if that was a conversation he was going to approach, doing so with much more nuance and understanding towards Joanne's position would've been appreciated.

From both of these bullets, you can see there were moments where the show dipped back into familiar Western individualism is better than traditional community structures territory, and that seemed to be the moral of the story? Well, I guess in the end since he gives up his dream of being head rabbi for her, it's a love triumphs all story. But still, it does position itself to be more on the side of Western individualism than anything else.

Also, having him abandon his dream is just as unfair as asking her to convert and having no acknowledgement or conversation about how they'll navigate that was such a disappointing cop-out that I think not only undermined all of the communication they were doing earlier but also swung us firmly back into the "religion is bad" territory. Maybe I'm being too harsh because he can still be devout without being the head rabbi but come on, it was his lifelong dream to be a community leader. That's not something you throw away casually for love, and I hate that it was treated as an easy solution.

Also it never really escaped my attention that this was a love story between a rich white girl and a Jewish rabbi that was produced during these tumultuous times. At the very least, it's very conscientous and prescient.

[stillachildatheart]

Thirty and Thriving

An update for the blog.

Hey there. It's been literally years since I came back to this blog again. My life has grown and veered off in so many different directions, it somehow made reading through all my previous posts feel like I was a vapid, air-headed teenager that didn't know enough about life. Haha.. I guess at some point, we all look back at our teen years and cringe. I am thirty this year. Can you believe it? I can't! I have so many white hairs on my head now, I've almost given up trying to color it back. My joints ache on and off. I'm taking supplements to help maintain some vitality (or at least give me the placebo effect that I'm doing something about my vitality). 18 year old me would have been horrified to see how she had grown up. =P

But you know what? I am proud of where I am. I struggled through depression and plenty of mental abuse from my parents to be where I am today. They still do abuse me every now and then but somehow, being 30 gave me the freedom to ignore it and move on with my life. Not to say that the things they say doesn't bug me, but I think I've gained the capacity to move past it and not let it bother me for too long. That fuck it attitude may rub others the wrong way... but fuck it. I worked too hard to gain it, if you don't like it then it's not my problem. As always, paiya was and has been a constant rock and an inspiration for me. Yes, we're still together. We've been married for over a year now, in fact. LDR success story, huh? <3 Over 12 years of being in a relationship (and a long-distance one at that) and just over 6 months of living with each other.. even I cannot fathom where all that time went. After reading through some of my earliest posts about him yesterday, I told him one thing when we were in bed last night. After all these years, I'm living the way I dreamed of. Taking care of our home together, cooking and eating together, exploring the world together.. these were things that the 17 year old me would have been wildly hoping for but would have not believed would eventually happen.

I am happy. For someone who went through clinical depression ever since I set foot into medical school, this statement is like feeling the sun on your face for the first time after a long and hard winter. I am genuinely happy. Of course we have our issues and disagreements. We end up hurting each other at times and also irritating each other. But the love is always there, and we always work our way back to it together. The love we have feels like it has grown and matured into something beautiful and solid. It fills my heart with so much of strength and courage to face the world, as long as he is by my side. It's awesome.. that feeling.

If only my relationship with my parents was that easy. Being in a healthy relationship with my husband made me realize how toxic my own family was to me. I knew they were the main reason I ended up depressed, but I'm still identifying all the trauma responses in me due to the way I was treated when I was young. Trying to unlearn my defense mechanisms and relearn healthier ones has been a major challenge for me since I started living together with paiya. Because my defense mechanisms protect my emotions but are in turn toxic and hurtful to him. I ended up unintentionally straining our relationship a few times all because I didn't know how to regulate my emotions safely. And yes, I blame my upbringing for that. Don't get me wrong. They did their responsibility as parents well. They go above and beyond, in fact. But that comes with a massive pile of expectations that is masked as love and wanting the best for me. If I choose not to conform to those expectations, I am a disappointment and failed them as their daughter. For a long time, the emotional burden of trying to fulfil their expectations drained the life and soul out of me. I worked hard to shed that, but I'm still a work in progress.

To them, the fact that I decided not to specialize is the biggest disappointment. They feel that I'm squandering my education and I'm being very complacent in my position. They hate the fact that I'm not working in a hospital anymore, because apparently doctor's working in a Klinik Kesihatan are not doctors. -_- I survived through housemanship, I survived working as an MO in medical for a year and ETD for almost 2 years. I've never felt at home as much as working in a KK has felt. Not only am I using my medical knowledge more, there is the unbeatable fact that I am working office hours now. I have weekends... after 5 years of working, I am finally experiencing weekends like everyone else. So they can say all they want, but I've come to a point where my sole focus is to keep myself happy.

If I'm not happy, there's no way I can keep anyone else around me happy. So that is my main priority. I struggled to do a degree I didn't like for their sakes. I'm not about to repeat the same thing again for a master's degree, just because they want to see me become a specialist. If I choose to do it, it will be because I genuinely want to put in the effort for it. Not because they want it.

So yeah... as you can guess, a lot has happened in the last 10 years. At the end of the day, I am content with where I am right now and I guess that's all that matters. :)

[talkingtothetallman]

20 Seconds of Courage

"When we had come to Jerusalem, the brothers received us gladly. On the following day Paul went in with us to James, and all the elders were present. After greeting them, he related one by one the things that God had done among the Gentiles through his ministry. And when they heard it, they glorified God." - Acts 21:17-20a

I read these verses this verses before work this morning. All my life I've been told how important it is to always be in the Word, because it is through it that we learn how God wants us to live. Not only that, but it is a beautiful showcase of how the Lord has proven His faithfulness to His people.

I think one of the most sanctifying things the Lord Jesus does through His Word is conviction. You know the feeling. The prick of guilt that wells up in your heart. A sense of filthiness covers your heart and your realize... "man, Lord I'm sorry. Forgive me, I need to change."

That's the case with the above verses. And to clarify, these verses are just the foundation of my conviction; they don't tell the entire story.

The thing that caught my eye was how fluidly and almost casually Paul, James, and the elders, glorified the Lord together and counted the ways God had worked in the ministry. I read that and thought, "Huh, you know I only kinda struggle to be open about God's blessings to believers I'm good friends with, but dang doing it with people I barely know? Man that shows how strong their faith was."

True, Christians have the common bond of Christ. Heck, it's even in the name Christian. But something about being completely open with a stranger about your faith is borderline daunting. I know I'm not the only one who feel this way. But as I was pondering this on my route, the thought crossed my mind: "If I saw a guy in a 22 hat who was clearly a Joey Logano fan, I'd be all about talking to him about all things Logano... but would I be like that about Jesus to a person who clearly was a Christian?"

The situation: a stranger, one with a bright yellow and red 22 hat, and the other with a t-shirt that says, "Jesus. Died, risen, returning" with a cross on the background. Who would I talk to? I'm ashamed of what my answer might be. Why is that? I thought of a few reasons:

1: I don't believe in Jesus.

2: The Lord's power hasn't been made manifest in my life.

3: I don't care.

4: I'm scared. Utterly filled with the fear of man.

I know for a fact that it's not the first two. And yet the second two, they seem to be a good blend of how I feel. For one, the senseless fear of man that Satan so dearly loves fills me with dread, one that says maybe I'll look dumb, or maybe I'll offend that person somehow, or even maybe disagree with them on some theological issues and things will get weird. But the third one is really where the conviction happens. I don't always feel like I care enough about how the Lord has changed my life to proclaim the name of Jesus. But why is that?

I guess my heart is just that hard. And good golly I hate that. I hate that I minimize my sin to the point that I forget how much it really cost to pay for it. Shame on me! How badly I want to be a soul on fire, not caring for one moment what a customer on route thinks of me, what a coworker might say, or what a fellow Christian might think. Sure, there are things to say for specific times, but why am I not shouting from the roof-tops, "Jesus saved me, and He can save you too! He's done so many wonderful things in my life and He can in yours!" Even now as I type this, I almost cringe thinking about how filled with fear I am.

But my heart is filled with a hardness that can only be dissolved by prayer and stepping out in trust. I think that's the big thing; trusting in the Lord's guidance. You know, there's movie quote that just popped into my mind that seems applicable:

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” 

That's it. Is it Christian? No. But it true? I would say so. Isn't 20 seconds enough time to proclaim Jesus? It's convicting, isn't it? Do you do that? I sure don't, and I wish I did. Now does that mean that you need to fill every 20 second gap with the Gospel? No, of course not. But are you ready to share the Gospel with someone? Are you ready to give God the glory in all situations? Lord, I'm trying! Thank you for your grace when I fail!

"Heavenly Father, help us, especially me, to be faithful to You as You have been to your people. Grant us softened hearts that fully desire and intend to share Your love, mercy, and salvation with a world who needs it. Open our eyes that we may see how You are working in our lives, and bless us with boldness to proclaim that with the world. Amen."

[vcdette]

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