#the fact i have to literally ask permission for this shit is embarrassing i genuinely csnt do this

[oetscop]

cool i love when the first thing i see waking up is my mom throwing a fit over my availability at work as if she didnt literally tell me what i can and cant work

shes changed it literally five fucking times im actually going to kill myself im not changing it again. it hasnt even been a week since she made me change it again

[obeiii-mee]

MC had a bad day or they’re dealing with a bad loss from a loved one. So they decide to seek comfort from the Brothers! But they don’t do it in a normal way, they just barge in the room where the brothers are all relaxing or hanging out at before MC just busts in getting their attention and they go “I need a hug 🥺”. Let’s see the some fluffy hc’s of the brothers comforting MC 🥰

And how could they not want to hug their cute human that is literally 3 seconds away from breaking down into tears?

The Brothers Comforting MC After A Bad Day:

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You’re right, they wouldn’t be able to resist, they love their human too much 😌

*soBS* I want to hug one of them so bad rn

Thank you for the request, I love writing fluffy HCs, it’s my weak spot and it gives me serotonin. I hope you have a nice day/night!! Uh, it’s sort of implied that MC is slightly shorter than them so sorry if that’s a problem-

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Notes: Fluff, mentions of loss and dead family members/friends, mostly comfort though, short HCs

Characters: Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, Asmodeus, Beezlebub and Belphegor.

————————————

Lucifer:

-He doesn’t say anything and he doesn’t really need to because him just being there, arms wrapped around you and hands lightly running up and down your back, is worth more words than any sort of verbal consolation he could’ve given you and because of this, you feel at ease

-His touch is firm but gentle and you relax almost immediately, burying your head against his chest and feeling him press a kiss on top of your hairline, tightening your hold on him

-He already told his brothers to back off because the last thing he wanted was for you you to get overwhelmed by their insensitivity so you two were left in the living room by yourselves

-In a bit of an awkward position though, because you were both standing and after a while, it was clear a hug wasn’t going to be enough

-That’s his excuse as to why he picked you up bridal style five minutes later and carried you all the way to his bedroom, a place he knows his siblings won’t ever trespass without his permission and somewhere he can shield you from any prying eyes while you’re in this vulnerable state

-At this point, he was basically cradling you like a baby, having you sit on his lap and waiting for you to tire yourself out until you couldn’t cry anymore and watching you slip into that hiccuping stage you get after a breakdown

-Lucifer is obviously going to ask what happened, but whether you answer him or not is up to you because he’s not one to push matters if he sees you’re uncomfortable talking about it

-However, he might insist if he concludes that it’s affecting you and your well being and that’s how you know usually know he’s worried

-His voice is soft though and just listening to it makes you want to tell him everything, whether it’d be something as annoying as a small inconvenience you stumbled across that day or the death of a relative, you feel welcomed enough to spill everything

-Even if you decide not to, he’ll stay with you until you feel better, until you’re no longer crying or shaking or anything of the sort. He speaks occasionally, almost soothingly about how important you are to him and how capable you are of overcoming anything in your way. For the most part, however, he remains quiet and allows you to mull over your thoughts, willing to forget about his paperwork just to let you cling to him for a few hours

-Maybe later, when you’re no longer as distressed, he could get the full story out of you and help you overcome whatever problem you’re having trouble facing but for now, he understands all you need is for him to be there

“MC?” He calls your name out because he was thinking that maybe you had fallen asleep but he realised that was not the case when you looked up at him, streaks of tears still sliding down your cheeks. When you don’t respond, he sighs almost contently “A bit longer?” You don’t answer again but this time, he could feel you nod against him and he smiles despite himself as he leaned his head against yours “All right then, just a bit longer.”

Mammon:

-Truth be told, he’s never been the best at comforting someone and normally, he’s kind of awkward when he wants to show his support because it feels so out of his character

-But it’s not like he was going to refuse you anyway. Not when you specifically came to him and asked him for help and not when you looked like you were on the verge of crying. He’d be a monster to deny you >:(

-It upsets him too, you know. He’s meant to be your protector, guardian even, so the fact that he couldn’t keep you from getting hurt makes him feel like he failed at keeping his human safe. Actually, it takes a lot of convincing on your part just to tell him that you’re not actually physically hurt. Just a shitty day…

-Mammon, despite the walls he puts up ever now and then, is someone that genuinely cares for you. And he’s also the type that does almost everything in excess, especially when it comes to you or spending money. That’s just his personality; he’s loud and boisterous and even though he wants to deny this, completely transparent with his emotions

-You ask for a hug? He gives you plenty of hugs! He lets you lay on top of him while cuddling so he can hold you!!! He brings you snacks and drinks!!! Shit, he basically cradles you the whole night!!! And he’s blushing and acting annoyed the entire time, refusing to accept how much he’s actually enjoying this

-The point is, he tends to coddle you whenever you have a bad day or if you’re really affected by the loss of a dead loved one. This is probably because he, in turn, likes to be babied and cared for when he’s feeling down and he subconsciously does that to you because it’s the only means of comfort he knows how to execute well

-A hug would’ve sufficed, but you’re his human and let him be damned if he’s not gonna give you the world on a silver platter if you keep looking at him with those sad eyes of yours

-By now, if you need anything, you just need to ask because even with a bit of grumbling, he’ll get it for you. More snacks? Say less. Wanna watch TV with him for a while? Immediately reaches for the remote? You just want to cuddle? His body is naturally warm for a reason bby, dig in. You want his heart? Give him a moment to surgically get it out of his chest-

-No matter what, he’s so glad that you trust him enough to talk to him about this sort of stuff and that he’s the first person you think of when you need consolation

-It makes sense after all, right? He’s your first pact so your direct happiness is his responsibility while you’re in DevilDom! It’s his job to make sure you function again by tomorrow morning and that you’re no longer troubled by anything

“Hey! What’s with all the crying huh?” He cups your face in his hands and softly squishes the flesh between his fingers. His thumbs brush over the tears in your eyes and he let’s out a small ‘tsk’ as your foreheads touch and his hands drip to your shoulders to keep you steady “The Great Mammon is hugging ya right now, ya know? There’s no reason for you to be upset, not when I’ve got ya in my arms like this, OK? So you can stop with yer water works now.” As noisy as his voice is, there’s a gentle note behind it when he speaks and embraces you, his cologne spreading everywhere “I love you, ya big idiot. So please, stop cryin’ and lemme hold ya already! Yer making me worried, ya stupid human.”

Levi:

-You stopping by his room is not unusual. In fact, you do it every day and it’s just part of the routine you have with him. However, he’s wasn’t exactly expecting you to stand there, all shaken up and ask him for a hug!!!

-And he doesn’t process this request for a second but then he freaks out so badly-

-Yells incomprehensibly about how you’re ‘pulling your normie tricks on him again’ and how he’s ‘not going to be fooled by them anymore.’

-You raise your head to meet his eyes while he’s still rambling on though and he sees your teary expression and now he feels guilty because you look really upset. Levi’s kinda scared he made it worse-

-He’s the type to usher you in his room and lock the door as usual but instead of doing what the two of you always do, you literally stay attached to him because you need comfort damn it!

-Levi….is sort of clueless about these emotional outbursts since he himself doesn’t deal with them very well. However, he’s watched enough animes revolving around romance to conclude on the best course of action so-do not fear! (Spoiler, he still doesn’t know what he’s doing)

-He’s really stuck and can either stay as quiet as a nun or start babbling in a language you probably wouldn’t even understand because he’s so nervous

-Or actually, he might start crying with you if I’m being fair; he’s very in sync with his Henry and your emotions

-Once he calms down, he’s actually not all that bad at comforting. Levi is a bit stand offish with his hugs at first but he relaxes into them and by now, you’re both standing by the side of his bed, with you leaning onto him and him holding your hand. He then intertwines your fingers together but subconsciously because he wouldn’t have the gall otherwise

-Later, he tells you to help yourself with the snacks he has hidden in his room. I guarantee you he has a whole ass mini refrigerator hidden somewhere for his all night gaming session, in case he needs any boosts. No one knows how Beel hasn’t found the stash yet and there’s no need to tell him

-Then you watch re runs of old shows together and make fun of the shitty editing and dialogue. He’s still holding your hand though and he’s really flustered and wondering if it’s too sweaty for you but don’t mention it because he’ll get even more embarrassed

-He glances over to you, every once in a while, whilst you’re cuddled up against his arm, eyes glued on the TV, to make sure you’re OK. You almost gave him a seizure or at least that’s how he felt-so he made it his mission to make you feel better by any means necessary. Fuck today’s raids, his team can get them done without him!!

“I-I don’t know why you would want me of all people to hug you but…” he trailed off in a whisper, having to lean down so you could wrap your arms against his neck and bury your head in his shoulder. He pulled you in closer, a streak of protectiveness coursing through him as he shut the door to his room with his foot “Lord of the Shadows would never leave Henry all on his own, so I’m not going to do that either. This is an important character development arc and-just, please don’t cry. I’ll give you more hugs, OK? Seeing you like this is not good for my heart-“ stopped mid sentence after realising what he just said and now he’s the one burying his head in your shoulder, flushed beyond hell “Forget I just said that! Holy Lord Diavolo this is embarrassing, why am I like this????”

Satan:

-It troubles him greatly to see you like this and he can sort of feel the world shift out of place, seeing you with tears running down your face and hands balled into fists out of frustration almost immediately makes him fly into a fit of rage because who would dare to hurt you-

-Oh, a hug? If that’s all you need, he’s more than happy to oblige but if you’re as distraught as you seem to be, he wonders if just a small embrace from him would be enough

-Satan’s hugs are very intimate and even passionate at times. He has one hand on the back of your head and the other supporting your lower back while you bawl your eyes out into his shoulder and getting his uniform wet

-You can’t really seem to focus on what he’s trying to tell you because he’s so warm and welcoming and even though he’s someone as renowned as the Avatar of Wrath, he’s shockingly patient with you as you let out the overwhelming emotions that have been consuming you all day

-It’s hard to not relax when you’re in Satan’s presence because he’s calm and he smells like musty, old books and mahogany wood and cats, meaning he was most likely cuddling strays he found on the street the entire day. The first visual that comes to mind is fire crackling behind a grate in a chimney and someone reading a book while swinging back and forth on an old, rickety chair when you’re around him

-He will wait until you’re no longer crying and then, before you know it, you find yourself in the library with him, drinking tea and being handed a plate of biscuits he took from the kitchen to help you regain your strength after all that crying. You’re still feeling pretty miserable about the day you’ve had but you quickly lose yourself in a conversation with him over a cup of tea

-Sometimes, you two talk for hours on end about nothing important just to hear each other’s voices and finally have some quality time spent together. Even though he wishes the circumstances were better, he’s glad to have been able to snatch you away from his brothers for a while and he’s even happier you chose him to confide in

-Satan practically doesn’t even mention your outburst and keeps the small talk minimal but he wants you to know that if you do wish to tell him about it, he’s more than happy to listen and he’s not so bad at giving advice either

-The topic of the discussion you were having with him changed abruptly by the end of the night and now you’re reading together from this book he started a while ago, both of you covered with a blanket, your head on his chest and his leaning on yours. He’s holding the book with both of his hands, but still managed to get his left wrapped around you. And because of this feeling of safety and warmth, you don’t feel desperate anymore. Tomorrow, you’ll be able to sort out your feelings but now, you’re content to just listening to Satan read, in his clear, soft voice

“Ah MC, could you turn the page for me?” You do as he asked to and you could feel him smiling as he kissed your hairline, sighing before going back to the book and the story within “Thank you. You truly are amazing, did you know that? I’ve never met someone as caring and as kind as you. Well, I suppose Beel could compete for the title but unlike him, you don’t really leave us in debt whenever we visit the grocery store.” Hearing you laugh makes him smile even more and he lets you hold the other side of the book while he plays with your hair and now you join in reading with him, out loud and trying to act out voices for the characters. As everything unfolds, Satan feels the world click right back into place.

Asmo:

-It’s a known fact by now that Asmo is willing to give you any sort of affection at any point in time, whether it’d be a hug, a kiss, holding your hand-you name it! I mean, whenever he’s feeling down, you being there to encourage him helps a lot so it’s only natural it works the other way around too!

-If he notices that you’re genuinely upset by something, then he would have no problem whatsoever with lavishing you in attention and really, a hug or two from him is the bare minimum in situations like this

-In any case, he always enjoys fussing over you and you having a bad day is the perfect excuse for him to do so! After all, he can’t disappoint you since you came to him with your troubles and he will do anything in his power to make you feel better. Actually, if he could, he would keep hugging you forever but as miraculous as his charm can be, it’s not effective against someone with this low of a morale

-His first suggestion is to take a bath! It’s his way of taking care of you; you’re tired after such a long day and he feels like you’re neglecting yourself a little because of it. So you relax in his bathtub with him for a while, him actively trying to get your mind off any bad, lingering thoughts while you splash around in the bubbles

-And obviously after that, you need to have your mandatory spa sessions with him since you need to unwind and what’s a better way to do that than to let him paint your nails and apply lotion to your skin? Besides, it creates a great opportunity for you to take things off your chest

-He’s in need to hear gossip constantly so if you don’t feel like talking, he’s gonna be a bit bummed out but he still respects your wishes enough to not push you. If your problem is as sensitive as the death of a family member, you’re not obligated to talk to him about it and he will understand, since people grieve in different ways. He too shut down after the death of Lilith for a while after all

-A bad day is nothing Asmo can’t handle. He’s had plenty of those before, mostly because of Mammon and his thievery, they’re usually common factors. It’s only natural you experience those yourself and he’s more than willing to be your support system if you need one. He wants you to know that you can go to him if you need advice or help with anything, or even if you just need to someone to hear you out

-To give a more detailed explanation of his hugs, they are usually really light and you never feel suffocated when you’re in his arms. He never squeezes you too tight and he always smells amazing, so you feel inclined to stay near him for as long as possible. Despite his overtly loud nature, he gets incredibly soft spoken with you and he traces patterns on your back and arms as you stand there together

-It’s important to mention, he never pulls away from you first. He lets you decide when you’ve had enough and when you’re ready to move on or if you require some other means of comfort

-And even if you’re no longer disgruntled, he’s still going to pamper you as much as possible the next day with either a shopping spree or another few spa sessions, this time done at a professional institution rather than the privacy of his bedroom

-Asmo is in touch with your emotions and it’s kinda scary sometimes because of how well he can read you, since he almost always knows what you need

“Oh darling, how could I refuse a hug from you?” You can feel his arms embrace you, even with your eyes closed and for some reason, this makes you cry even harder, sobbing as he tries to comfort you. You’re aware he let go of you at some point and returned with a tissue to dab away at your tears, gently to not hurt your eyes and now he’s hugging you again, a wry smile on his face “You don’t have to worry about a thing, MC. Everything will get sorted out, I promise. In the meantime, come to me if anything troubles you again, OK? No more crying, darling-it’s bad for your eyes.”

Beel:

-The type to immediately lean in for a hug without even questioning why. As soon as you ask him, you barely have time to finish the question and you already find yourself in his arms. The only exception would be when he’s eating or maybe in the middle of a work out but the point is he doesn’t hesitate much when it comes to you. And I mean, he loves hugs just as much as his siblings do

-Beel is not the most observant and he may not realise you’re in a bad mood unless you tell him outright. It’s not even that he’s emotionally distant, it’s just that if you tell him that you’re fine, then he’s gonna take your word for it and believe you since he’s pretty straightforward with his feelings as well. However, as dense as he may be on occasion, even he’s bound to notice that you’re not being your usual self and this is especially true if you start crying out of nowhere while he’s nearby. Probably assumes the worst and is under the impression that he did something to upset you because shifting the blame onto himself whenever others suffer is his coping mechanism and we’ve seen him to do it before

-If you’ve just had a bad day, he understands that things could’ve been very overwhelming for you and he wishes he had known sooner so he could’ve helped back then, instead of letting it come to this. But he doesn’t hesitate all that much since he looks like he’s built for giving hugs on a daily basis. I’m not even sure this would classify as a hug since you’re not touching the floor. Rather, you are attached to him like a koala and he’s carrying you around as if you were a baby strapped to his chest. And he genuinely doesn’t mind. He’s been doing it with Belphie for centuries now

-Please, after a while he gets seriously concerned because are humans supposed to cry this much? What if you dehydrate or something? So he makes you stay in bed and just gives you plenty of water. You look so pale and sad, he shares his food with you too because his heart is aching just looking at you like this. He feels like besides being there, he can’t provide you with much help and he’s starting to think he’s hopeless at comforting

-If a family member died then…Beel is one of the best people you could’ve gone to. Honestly, having dealt with his sister’s situation, he knows how horrible it is to lose somebody you love dearly (I mean, all the brothers do but I’m making a point saying Beel, Belphie and Lucifer were especially affected). Now he’s sad himself since he’s aware that you’re going through something similar and his twin might walk in on the two of you being emotional on the floor

-For the most part, Beel makes sure you keep yourself healthy even when you’re tired and depressed. Continues to bring you food, even if he eats half of it on his way to your room, and just keeps you company in general in case you get lonely. Seeing you upset makes him even more considerate of your feelings and you don’t have the heart to tell him that he doesn’t need to stay with you all night. He thinks he does because you’ve always offered to stay with him whenever he’s had nightmares before so how he’s gotta return the favour

-Beel gives these bear hugs all the time, since he’s so big and his hand basically covers your entire back. So, more often than not, you end up cuddling while standing because he’s a lot taller than you, with him being a demon and all. Despite that, you feel so unbelievably complete when he holds you like this. It’s hard not to feel protected since his whole body is practically concealing yours so easily all the time and you feel sheltered from the world and it’s….nice

-And Beel enjoys hugging you too, because he knows that as long as he’s nearby, you’ll be safe and that’s really all he needs. He wants to be there for you the same way you were there for him when he needed it most and comforting you when you’re having a shitty day is like his full time job

-You could come to Beel with any problem and he would never judge you, no matter what. He’s just really unproblematic and he just wants you to go back to your normal self because it hurts him to see you cry your eyes out. Now, not only are hugs mandatory but holding your hand is too. It’s like hugging…but your hands are doing the hugging

-Definitely even goes to Belphie after a while if he really doesn’t know what to do and that’s how you know he’s desperate to do something. Since the Seventh Born isn’t exactly someone that yields great advice, more so when it comes to other…people….and his twin knows this-

-Beel’s best strategy at the moment is to just maintain some kind of physical contact because he discovered that makes you feel better and it calms you down more than him trying to verbally console you. He even invited you to sleep in his room if you’re comfortable doing so just so you’re not alone. After that one incident, he’s trying to coax you to tell him whenever something is wrong so he can jump in and help, because that’s all he really wants to do ahakenksms

“MC? Did something happen?” He’s honestly taken aback by how shaky you are and how you’re hands are trembling as they’re reaching to connect with his. Without much of a warning, he feels a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach and now he discovers that he doesn’t like seeing you with tears trailing down your face. And he feels worse the longer you wail in his chest and he doesn’t know what to do. So, he wraps his arms around you so tight you think you might explode, strangely comforted by the feeling as he speaks again “I’m sorry if I’ve done something to upset you. What can I do to help, MC? We can just stay like this for a while if you want” And when he sees you nod, he proceeds to not move an inch almost the entire night. Obviously, hunger overtook him eventually but he shared his stolen goods with you so can you really complain? Doubtful, not when he hasn’t let go of your hand the whole time.

Belphie:

- Hugging him is a gamble. Realistically speaking, you’re not going to catch him standing upright long enough for you to give him a hug. He’s laying on the floor somewhere, asleep so you shouldn’t expect much from him to begin with. Even if you were to get lucky and stumble upon him while he’s wide awake, he might slump over and succumb to sleep the moment you embrace him because you’re so warm

-Cuddling is a different story altogether. He’d rather shoot himself in the foot than not have you cuddle with him so if you need to be babied for once, he’s a pretty good option to consider

-As usual, he’s in the attic and you go to him because it’s really late and you didn’t want to wake up any of the other brothers. Actually, Belphie is normally awake by dusk so to see him sleep like a log past midnight was quite surprising. You didn’t exactly want to interrupt but if you stayed alone for any longer, you would’ve gone insane. So you shook him awake. And he was understandably confused and probably forgot what planet he was on for a minute when you did so

-Technically, he was half awake and from his point of view, everything must’ve been pretty blurry. He did see you; the problem was that because he was still feeling very sleepy, he was basically in a daze and could only squint at you to try and figure out if you were really there or if he was hallucinating. His suspicion was confirmed soon enough because he reached out after a few seconds and poked your cheek just to check. His face the entire time and the action itself was so amusing that, despite tittering on the edge of a breakdown, you burst out laughing

-Once he came to the conclusion that you were, in fact, real and he wasn’t dreaming, he sighed and opened his arms out for you; a direct invitation to cuddle with him. By now, he likely didn’t even noticed you looked sad because, as I said, he was all over the place but this little ritual you two have was common enough that it got engraved in his memory. Now he does it out of impulse whenever you’re around and he wants attention

-So you basically tackled him and threw yourself on top of him so hard, both of you toppled over on the bed and now you were used as a blanket, with his arms wrapped securely around you; preventing you from getting up. Not that you were planning on doing that anytime soon but moving on-

-You thought he had fallen back asleep, because he went really quiet and he stopped squirming to get comfortable. To be exact, the whole room was rather still and the only thing you could really hear was Belphie’s soft breathing and the rustle of the bedsheets every once in a while. And since it was extremely dark as well, you couldn’t see a thing either so it felt like the best place to let go of your stress

-It’s not like you were making much noise but as I said, the seventh born wasn’t sleeping just yet. And he wouldn’t be able to because it was obvious to him now that something was wrong. He believed that he was bearing witness to something that should’ve been a lot more private than this so he didn’t say anything. You should have your moment, let you have a chance to recollect your thoughts and the next day, he might ask you

-It was too much to handle. It’s not like he was gonna get any sleep unless he knew your problem was solved otherwise he might get nightmares all night. Besides, if you’re crying this much, then something terrible must’ve happened. You realised he was awake when he gave your entire body a small squeeze, as if to reassure you and you froze because did you just wake him up???? Or worse, did he hear all that sobbing you were doing????

-Hugging him is similar to hugging a pillow. He’s soft and squishy and warm and it’s impossible to resist him when rest at a time like this is so tempting. His fingers running over your pact mark once or twice, as if to remind you that he’s right there and low whispers describing the best dream he ever had about you, hoping to distract you for long enough to help you fall asleep

-To him, it doesn’t make a difference if a family member died or if you’re just having a bad day. All he knows is that you’re having a lot of emotional problems because of either one and as a result, you need a shoulder to lean on. He’s glad that you trust him enough to let him assist and if it was up to him, he would keep cuddling you forever. You’ve already suffered enough so let him take care of you this time around, OK?

“Dumbass, why are you crying?” The gentleness of his words was a clear contrast to that quick insult he shoved at the beginning of his statement, though you couldn’t hear any malice behind it and the fact that he really cared about what happened to cause you to struggle with your emotions so badly, would’ve made you wail even harder. However, he managed to silence you pretty well because he kept speaking and you wanted to listen; you wanted to hear what he had to say so you reduced your sobs and you sat quietly enough to do just that. Belphie flipped you over, now with him on top and you underneath and he laid there, cheek sloshed against yours as he sleepily mumbled out more praise for you, “MC, are you tired? You should go to bed, you need to get some sleep. Tomorrow, you can tell me what the problem is and I’ll help. I promise-I’ll even get up early for you. Just…please calm down. I don’t want to see you crying yourself to sleep ever again. I’ll stay here the entire time, alright? And I’ll make sure you have nice dreams tonight MC…just let me hold you…”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 313: Deku VS Lady Nagant

Previously on BnHA: Hawks’s super-hot badass murder senpai Lady Nagant showed up to fire a cupid’s arrow into my heart, and a bunch of literal bullets into my son. Deku was all “oh shit it’s Hawks’s super-hot badass murder senpai, what do I do, let me think back to Hawks’s advice for a sec.” Flashback!Hawks was all “anyway Deku so if my super-hot badass murder senpai ever shows up you’re basically screwed so you’d better abscond the fuck out of there.” Present!Deku was all “lol idek why I flashed back to that conversation since I’m just going to do the exact opposite of what Hawks said” and charged directly toward Nagant because WHY NOT. Overhaul was all “waah I need to get back to my boss who I put in a coma out of love” and Nagant was all “jesus christ why did I even bring you here” and had a flashback to AFO who was all “ILU NAGANT IMMA GIVE YOU AN EXTRA QUIRK SO PLEASE CAPTURE DEKU FOR ME PLEASE AND THANKS” and yeah. Shit is all over the place right now and I love it.

Today on BnHA: All Might gets attacked by a pair of discount assassins and is all “Call an ambulance! ...BUT NOT FOR ME” and it’s really badass but also I really wish he would stop tempting fate like this. Lady Nagant is all “[casually flies around town shooting shit]” and I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t read an entire chapter of just that. Deku is all, “[gets shot (≥_<)]” and releases a giant Smokescreen which prompts En to show up. En is all, “( •᷄⌓•᷅ ) (⌣̀ Δ⌣́) ( •̀_•́ )σ (¬､¬) (눈_눈)” which I consider to be a high point of both the chapter and of my life. The chapter ends with Deku using the Third’s quirk to launch a bunch of random objects at Nagant so that he can jump up and grab her arm all sneaky-like, and I’m sure this is going to prompt another week’s worth of discourse that I don’t care about at all, but fuck it, I’m having a good time.

OH WE’RE CUTTING BACK TO ALL MIGHT WELL THAT’S NICE I GUESS. CONGRATS ON NOT BEING DEAD

you named your car??

you named it Hercules??

I love you so much??

please marry me you giant fucking dork???

lmao speaking of huge fucking dorks

who the fuck are you clowns. la dee da we’re gonna murder All Might with our synchronized spear attack!! I mean... they’re clearly trying their best... maybe I should just be nice and politely hype them up like All Might is so clearly trying to do

like okay, but we all agree that this is actually the least intimidating attack any of us has ever seen, right?? these guys zipped up their hoodies all serious-like and are trying to attack All Might and Hercules with their Walmart tiki torches, but just, no?? right?? like the only way this could possibly be effective is if they were trying to kill All Might with secondhand embarrassment

“those are assassins” this is a VERY generous assessment, All Might

OH MY GOD THE TIKI TORCHES ACTUALLY KILLED THE FUCK OUT OF HERCULES

[slaps roof of car] this baby can fit so many weaponized festive backyard lighting solutions in it

and yet, even after watching this with my own two eyes, I still can’t take these dudes seriously. idek what it is. anyways r.i.p. Hercules, I loved you a lot but I guess you weren’t actually a very good armored car were you

omg they didn’t know it was All Might??

okay 1) for a moment there I was like “oh hey maybe they’re not so bad after all” but then a moment later it was like “ah nope, they are.” like, that was an interesting .06 second emotional journey there. anyways 2) All Might you have my permission to kick their asses for this disrespect, and 3) anyone else all of a sudden getting “wouldn’t this be an interesting time for Stain to suddenly show up” vibes?? no?? just me???

(ETA: hmm tbh I’ve still got those vibes and they haven’t gone away lol. Stain?? you out there buddy?? do you want to be cool for just once in your life. ball’s in your court pal.)

OH SNAP ALL MIGHT ARE YOU REALLY GONNA DO IT ARE YOU GONNA KICK THEIR ASSES

PROTECTIVE DAD MODE ACTIVATED?? BECAUSE YOU KNOW I’M HERE FOR THAT SHIT, SO YEAH, FEEL FREE

omg he’s shouting at them about how much Deku has suffered lmao and they’re just like falling over from being scolded

so they have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about though, right? “SIR THIS IS A WENDY’S” well whatever, you killed his pet car so he’s in a bad mood now

OH MY GOD

LIKE, JUST SO WE’RE ALL CLEAR, THESE FOUR PAGES SO FAR HAVE MADE ALMOST ZERO SENSE. LIKE MAYBE 2% SENSE TOPS. BUT ASK ME IF I CARE. GO AHEAD AND ASK. I SAID GO AHEAD, IT’S OKAY. ...NO I DON’T CARE AT ALL THANK YOU FOR ASKING

(ETA: also, the more I look at this panel, the more I’m just like, why the hell would you phrase it like that though, sob. way to doubly tempt fate?? are you trying to give Horikoshi a challenge??)

and now back to Deku who is randomly bouncing around the city and narrating it to himself just in case he was confused about why he was doing this

who are you talking to Deku. but thanks we appreciate it

man you gotta love that overconfidence. the smartest guy in the world warned you away from this lady, so SURE, LET’S RUN RIGHT UP TO HER. “I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT, FLASHBACK!HAWKS, BUT I’LL TAKE IT FROM HERE” well okay then!!

I think it would be funny if RHA.com put little Buzzfeed-style polls in between the chapter pages so they could survey people at random intervals as they read their way through the chapter. like, you finish this page and then there’s a little poll there asking “do you think Deku’s plan of catching up to Lady Nagant and finding out where Shigaraki is will work?”, and you click “no” just like everyone else and then nod as the results show that 97% of your fellow readers also picked “no”, and you chuckle to yourself wondering how many of the 3% accidentally clicked on the wrong option by mistake, and then you keep on reading

ANYWAY, SO

HOW’S THAT PLAN WORKING OUT FOR YOU SO FAR DEKU. nice kick, though!!

omggggggg

ouch

update: Deku’s plan not really working out. sources tell me my boy has been fucking shot. this is an ongoing story and we will keep you posted with the latest developments as they come in

wait what

feel free to explain to the rest of us what all of this “UNLESS...” and “THAT POSSIBILITY...” shit means anytime, Deku

oh lol did he realize she could fly??

BREAKING NEWS UPDATE, CNN’s John King reports that Deku is still fucked. eyewitness reports now coming in that Nagant is doing no-look shots and basically not even giving a fuck. sources described her mannerisms and expression as “sexy, but in like an effortless sort of way.” we will continue to bring you the latest

so now there’s basically an entire page of Deku being all “ah fuck so she’s basically closing in and she could already hit me with impossible accuracy even from Far Away, so if that’s the case then her being Up Close is probably going to be even worse!” making good use of that Big Hero Brain there, Deku

so now what, you’re doing some kind of spiraling kick thing?? how is that going to help

oh lol he’s using Smokescreen to create some cover. aww, good for you Deku you named one of your Smokescreen attacks

OH NO LADY DON’T TELL ME AFO DIDN’T EVEN FILL YOU IN ON THE BASICS

seriously, AFO?? you basically told her what Deku’s exact strategy was going to be but then couldn’t be assed to drop that little, small, barely notable piece of knowledge that Deku is rocking multiple quirks?? is it supposed to be a secret or something?? you dropped the ball here man

damn this is getting intense now

(ETA: the way En is poking Deku’s head in that first panel is fucking sending me, I love this guy so much omg.)

well then what are you planning, Deku?? I’m actually really curious!! I am genuinely starting to be invested in this fight scene not only in the “wanting to see who wins and how that impacts the plot” sense, but also in the “wanting to see how it happens because the choreography and strategy is actually pretty cool” sense, which honestly hasn’t happened for quite a while now! this is fun

anyway so what’s up Deku, are you going to use another quirk?? I’ve been speculating that he hasn’t actually unlocked the last two yet (since Two and Three didn’t exactly seem convinced when we last saw them), but maybe I’m about to be proven wrong

(ETA: well he clearly has Three’s obviously, but Two’s is still MIA, and that’s the one I am of course the most curious about. that’s the one we’re all curious about, let’s be real.)

OH SNAP???

AHHHH I’M HYPED LOL. ANOTHER SHINY NEW QUIRK LOL SHOULD I PUT UP THE USUAL DISCOURSE DISCLAIMER

(ETA: so yeah, after thinking on it, I’m not gonna say “please no Deku discourse on my blog” this week, but I probably will ignore any discourse that does come my way though, just because I don’t have much interest in getting involved in what would probably be a pretty repetitive discussion. like, I can just sum up my opinions (which is what they are) here instead. in fact here they are lol:

1) I like the SIXQUIRKS and I like seeing Deku be a badass.

2) I also don’t think Deku is too OP. more like he’s exactly as OP as he needs to be at the moment, given that we’re approaching the end of the series. I expect the other kids will also be pretty damn OP when we see them fight again. we’re just at that point now where they’re all badasses (as well they should be; they’ve grown a lot and they deserve it). it’s just that Deku’s the one we’re getting to see right now.

3) of course I miss Kacchan and the others, but for me this vibes much closer to the MVA arc where even though I missed them, I was still having a blast (as opposed to the dark days of the Basement arc where I was pretty much losing it lol). like, even though Kacchan’s my favorite, I still love Deku a lot and this arc has been amazing for him getting to shine on his own (for like the first time, really).

4) y’all know I love the OFA plot and I’ve never been shy about that lol. I like all of the Vestiges a lot. Banjou and his over the top personality; En and his “guy you thought would be serious and :| all the time but is actually hyper-animated and ALL OVER THE PLACE” energy; Shiro who actually is a :| sort of guy lol; Three who I still expect will be fleshed out in a more detailed flashback at some point; and of course Two, who, well. you know what I think about him lol. Bakuverse is still on the table and I’m still hyped. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that we still have yet to see Two actually talk to Deku (as opposed to talking to the other Vestiges while Deku is distracted). did he lend him his power yet?? or is he still holding out?? either way it’s definitely going to be a Big Thing when it finally happens and I can’t wait to see it.

5) Lady Nagant is Everything and just because Deku grabbed her arm doesn’t mean the fight is over yet lol. Overhaul hasn’t come into play yet either. not to mention that even if the fight is over, the “where do we go from here” part still has me excited either way. her connection to Hawks and the HPSC is very intriguing and we’ve barely touched on that as of yet; she definitely has more of a role to play in this.

6) last but not least, I feel like every week the discussion is all about how much focus Deku’s getting, and how OP he is or isn’t, and OFA this and OFA that, but meanwhile I’m actually so invested in the character development here though?? the way Deku has distanced himself from everyone (except for the Vestiges, because of course they’re already dead so it’s not like they can die again lol)?? the way he’s pushing himself far too hard and we can see the shadows in and under his eyes, and the fact that he never smiles, and even All Might has remarked on how he isn’t taking care of himself at all?? the fact that he’s so single-mindedly obsessed with focused on stopping AFO?? the fact that he’s still the same sweet old Deku despite everything and was so kind to that fox lady with the umbrella, but there was also something so sad about that scene because it felt like a reminder of the type of hero that he wants to be, but that he’s not allowed to be right now?? because the stakes are too high and the world is falling apart?? and he feels like he’s the only one who can do something about it?? and that he has to be?? and that he is putting so much pressure on himself right now, and it’s absolutely too much pressure for any one person to bear, and I feel like no one is fucking talking about this lol goddammit.

anyway so yeah. I have feels about this, and every week that slow-burn angst is getting more and more intense behind the scenes, and I feel like it’s all going to hit a breaking point eventually. sooner rather than later. it really feels like a mirror of Katsuki’s post-Kamino arc. where all that angst was just churning below the surface for like twenty chapters and then it finally was like “okay it’s time” and it all came bursting out and we got the best five chapters of the fucking series (in my admittedly biased estimation lol).

basically, I know that most of fandom is billing this as either the “villain hunt” arc or the “solo Deku SIXQUIRKS fighting arc” or whatever. but for me, it’s always been and still is the Deku Angst arc lol. the cool fights are a sexy bonus (the worldbuilding less so because even though it’s interesting to see society at such a low point, it’s also very depressing and gets old pretty fast), but for me the thing that’s really keeping me engaged chapter after chapter is seeing Deku like we’ve never seen him before. seeing him all quiet and withdrawn and brooding and focused on AFO, AFO, AFO, and seeing that “he just doesn’t take himself into account” mentality taken to extremes. I am invested in that. I’m soaking up that angst each and every week, and I’m invested in seeing what comes of it. it’s a big picture thing. week to week this arc might just seem like a bunch of villain fight scenes, sure. but Deku’s emotional journey is the thread that’s going to carry this arc through from beginning to end, and for that I’m willing to be patient.

anyway that turned into a BIG OL’ RANT there but yeah! so those are my thoughts on the disk horse as it currently stands. and like I said, I’m open to discussion, but tbh I will probably just wind up repeating these same talking points endlessly so just a fair warning lol.)

anyway so Three says Deku has yet to use his quirk at ALL but now he’s trying to combine it with another quirk?? damn. also please check out En’s face here you guys

En launching a sneak attack up my favorite character list by the sheer power of his expressions alone. he really knows how to make the most of his screentime

OH DAMN DEKU

at this point the 3% from that hypothetical poll earlier are starting to feel prettttty damn smug, I’ll bet. well shit

what in the fuck

?? so like releasing his chi or whatnot?? isn’t that basically just like base OFA all over again?? also Deku did you seriously just apologize to Gran’s cape

update: Nagant has turned her eyeball into a gun

hm. hmmmmmmm. ...okay yep, still somehow sexy

anyway so she’s just floating up there building suspense, as one does. lord I sure hope she has good reflexes because something tells me she’s going to need them

OH SNAP HE THREW GRAN’S CAPE AS A DECOY WHAAAAT OKAY THAT’S SOME SMART SHIT DEKU

LOL SHE’S MAD NOW

JESUS CHRIST SHE JUST NEVER TAKES A GODDAMN BREAK FROM BEING AWESOME HUH

DEKU ARE YOU JUST THROWING EVERY DAMN THING IN YOUR INVENTORY

but without the cape and the hood how will you continue to look like an enigmatic badass. you really can’t. which means we might finally be moving on from the wandering nomad part of this arc, stay tuned

LOL YOU MANIAC

I hope he went full Kacchan with the dialogue there. his face sure looks like it lol. popped out of a building all mad fdskljlkj omg

well this was fun, shit. I still have basically no idea what Three’s quirk does though lol. like, can he use it to charge up objects with kinetic energy or something?? but then what was all of that talk about combining it with one of the other quirks?? or was that just because he was using Smokescreen at the same time??

(ETA: having seen and read an additional half-dozen explanations of Three’s quirk, I can say with confidence that I still have basically no idea what it is or does.)

anyway so!! Deku is a badasssssss but something tells me not to count Nagant out just yet even so. also I really enjoy seeing Deku flip out on people like he doesn’t have a fucking hole in his torso because it reminds me of A CERTAIN SOMEONE and I always love to see him channeling that feral energy; I feel like it’s been a while

anyways good luck to you both!! I truly wish that both of you could win. but if not, then maybe you can at least become friends instead. you have so much in common, you both can fly and have multiple quirks and you’re both badasses, and plus it would just be really funny to see the look on Hawks’s face lmao

[yee-fxcking-haw]

•Porcelain Obsession•

Summary: Tamaki has a problem, a bad problem. He's obsessed, he's desperate, and he'll do whatever it takes to have you the way he wants you.

Pairing: Pro Hero Yandere Tamaki Amajiki x Reader (both 18+)

Warnings: Yandere, stalking, noncon voyeurism, mild manipulation and sabotage, mild coercive behavior, male masturbation, panty theft, male ejaculation, cum eating. It's just real graphic, strap in.

A/N: I am hopeless, this will have a second part that will be so much more sinful with gratuitous tentacle content. Just tagged those that interacted with the posted about this fic as usual. This little series was inspire by a tiktok I saw, and I'm literally writing it for the sake of putting one zinger of line in it lol.

Playlist

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJbubhQN/

Word Count: 4,184

Part Two: Love Me Tender

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Stunning, astounding, enchanting. You're an angel, you have to be. That's the only explanation for the way you shine, surrounded by some ethereal glow.

Tamaki Amajiki has a problem. No, it's not a problem, it's completely normal to fall in love, he's under a spell. He can't be blamed for it, he never stood a chance. Although, most people would call this a problem, but only people who don't understand.

An ignorant person would have seen him watching you from around the corner for weeks, following you to your house after work under the cover of darkness, and finally, finally getting a glance into your window at night and label him as obsessed or disturbed. He should have felt dirty for that, but he didn't, not even close. He felt almost holy.

He felt like some chosen follower that was allowed to witness a sacred ritual. He watched you all evening with immeasurable reverence. He took note of the way you ate, how intently you read, but his favorite part was watching you settle into your bed and fall asleep.

As soon as he saw it the first time, it became an addiction. Watching your body curl around your pillow, clutching the fabric as you snuggled into it. How sweet you looked, so soft, so innocent. It made his chest ache, it made him feel starved. He had to have you, smell you, feel you.

That was nearly three months ago. Now, he watches you every chance he gets. The days he doesn't get to, he feels like a pitiful addict going through withdrawal. He has to at least speak with you, know your voice, see your skin up close.

During his patrol around the city he comes to the conclusion that it has to be today. He feels like he's losing breath without knowing you, captured by your existence but suffocated by the distance. He will have you, he will do whatever it takes.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

At your age, you should at least have a friend or two, maybe go out on friday, possibly even work another job. None of that ever seems worth it, not worth the time or the money or the effort to pretend you enjoy it. Here you stay, stuck somewhere in between discontent for your situation and the refusal to do anything about it.

You only have a half hour left of your shift, everyone else has gone home and you’ve been left to do dishes and lock up, as usual. You huff and puff around the shop as you complete the final closing tasks. Anybody else could have stayed and closed, they probably should have too, considering how often you shut down by yourself so they can all go home.

Naturally, you jumped at the opportunity to stay late, where else are you going to go? Certainly not on a date or out with friends. You feel slightly better about making money while you burn the hours away, so you always end up here.

The sun has set already, leaving the illumination of the shop to the awful fluorescent lights that hang from the ceiling. It’s all so mundane, so simple, so dreadfully boring.

Then the bell above the door jingles.

You roll your eyes and throw your rag into the sink, the sign says closed. Why don’t people read? You huff out of the kitchen and into the serving area.

“Hey, sorry but we’re closed right now, we open again tomorrow-” You freeze, it can’t be him, it has to be some cosplayer, some wannabe.

“I’m sorry, I just- my phone died while I was on patrol and I needed to call my boss to let them know I was finished for the day. I was hoping there would be a phone in here that I could use.” His voice is so timid, so unsteady. It doesn’t sound anything like you would imagine the voice of a pro hero to sound.

You try to stay uninvolved with any hero business, all of the flashy quirks and the gossip and the drama. The theater of it bores you to tears, and you lack respect for anyone that uses their ability to save lives as a tool for gaining popularity. You find most heroes to be so incredibly irritating. Most of them, except one.

Suneater, the emerging pro hero that has been the focus of all of your thoughts lately. You've only seen glimpses of him in the news, seen his face on the back page of a magazine, or heard his name from other people. Any evidence of his existence rapidly became precious to you. You are not some hopeless fangirl, you do not collect merchandise or follow him around and beg for autographs.

You admire him, his subtlety, how genuinely different he is from all the other heroes. He isn’t some attention whore, he isn’t some pretty boy that’s always posing for fan service. His quirk is so unique and powerful, unparalleled by any hero on the charts right now. He’s a real hero, and so much of you wanted him to be your hero.

There he stands, right in front of you, in your shop, asking you for help. He’s far more beautiful than you could have possibly anticipated. He’s all porcelain skin and inky hair, deep indigo eyes pear out from under his magnificent hood. He stands so tall, yet comes across so reserved. He’s spectacular, he’s an angel, he has to be.

“Of- of course, it’s in the back, follow me.” You say, motioning for him to come around the corner with you as you tuck back into the kitchen.

“Thank you, this is very kind of you.” He says as he follows, cape swishing behind him as he moves. You don’t know, you can’t possibly know, how badly he wants to take you into his arms and finally know what your body feels like against his, how he wants to bury his face in your hair and inhale your scent. If he could get away with it, he would, oh how he would feel every inch of you. He can’t though, not yet. He has to be careful, he has to be smart.

I will have her, and she’ll have me.

“It’s no problem, it sucks to be stuck without a phone. I’m happy to help.” You say as you round the corner to your shop’s makeshift break room.

It’s not even a room really, just a corner tucked away with a phone on the wall and a few chairs around a cheap foldable table.

You turn to him and motion to the phone awkwardly, heat settling in your chest and all over your skin. Your heart races and you can feel your palms turning wet.

“Take as much time as you need, did you uh- are you hungry?” You ask, “I’m technically closed, but I can only imagine how hungry you are after a whole day patrolling, I could throw something together for you?”

God, you’re so sweet.

“Oh no, you d-don’t need to do that, I can eat at home.” He insists, your mind fixates on the way he stutters, the way his eyes dart down and his feet shift as he talks.

“I would like to. Please? If you’ll let me?” You say softly, heart pounding even faster when he shifts towards you slightly.

How perfect you are, already asking for permission…

“Are you sure, I really don’t want to create more work for you.” He says, eyes flicking up to meet yours. His gaze makes it hard to swallow, he looks at you so intently, you almost feel like you don’t have enough clothing on.

“No! I promise you won’t be. You’d also be missing out on the best takoyaki around if you didn’t let me, and that would be a tragedy.” You say, trying to entice him with your bold claim.

“Well I g-guess, if you put it that way.” He offers you a trace of a smile.

“I’ll get started while you make your call.” You say as you move to squeeze past him in the narrow hall. As you slide by, there’s a brief, precious moment where you stand inches from each other. You don’t dare look up at him as you skate by, You know your legs will fail you if you meet his eyes while standing so close, and you can’t risk the embarrassment of dropping to your knees in front of a stranger, even if he is a hero,

He doesn’t say a word, simple stalks towards the phone as you glide down the rest of the hallway and into the kitchen.

You slip into autopilot in the kitchen, your brain is far too fixated on the fact that Suneater is down the hall, in your shop, using your phone. You clink around some pans, prepare the octopus meat and the batter and get to work. You can’t overhear him talking to anyone with all the noise you’re making, you almost want to apologize for being so noisy.

Your mind settles on thinking about how beautiful he is, how strong he looks, how easily he could overpower anyone… especially you. The thought makes you squeeze your thighs together, it shouldn’t, but holy hell it does.

Out of the corner of your eye you see him come into the kitchen, you immediately start to berate yourself for thinking that way about him. He’s a hero, he would never be interested in something like that with someone like you.

“I think the phone is down, do you maybe have a- a cell phone i could use?” He seems almost ashamed of the question, it makes your chest ache.

“Shit, that line is always being funny. I’m sorry, but I left my cell this morning.” You say, flipping the takoyaki around in their tray so they’ll cook evenly.

“I live just across the street though, I can run and grab it while you eat.” You say, desperate to help him in any way you can.

I know you’re just across the street.

He just shakes his head and bunches his cape in his fists, a very faint blush spreads across his cheeks and it makes your heart do summersaults.

“I couldn’t ask you to do that, you’re already doing t-too much for me. You don’t need to make the extra t-trip, I can just call my boss when I’m home”

“Really, it’s not too much, if you’re worried about the extra trip you can just walk me home and use it when we get there. I imagine you would need to call as quickly as possible and get somebody on patrol now that you’re off.” You say, catching yourself a little when you sound too desperate.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable?” As he talks, he shuffles so he can press himself up into the corner of the kitchen, almost looking like he wants to melt into the wall.

“Well, considering your occupation is literally saving people, I definitely don’t feel uncomfortable, it’s not like you’re some crazy kidnapper.” You chuckle a little as you plate up the takoyaki. You try not to give attention to the twisted thoughts that enter your mind when you mention the kidnapping, pushing down the desire to be taken away from the colorless life you live.

If you only knew how badly I want to take you, to have you, keep you…

“I guess you have a p-point.” He says, taking the plate with a soft thank you. He starts stuffing his face with the spheres of breaded octopus immediately, letting a small content sigh leave his body.

“This is incredible, thank you, um, can I ask what your n-name is?” That damn stutter is going to turn your bones to jelly.

You say your name quietly, he responds by repeating it back to you, like he’s checking the pronunciation. You just nod as you open the fridge and pull out a gallon of green tea so you can pour him a glass.

“T-Tamaki, my name’s Tamaki Amajiki.” He says with his shy voice.

A warm, invasive feeling spreads through you. You have to remain calm, pretend that his real name is news to you, pretend that you haven’t spent hours searching through fanfictions listed under that name.

You chat as he finishes his food, thanking him as he mumbles compliments about you cooking in between bites. It doesn’t take long for him to take down the plate. He thanks you over and over as you clean the rest up. He stays glued to his spot in the corner until you take your apron off and hang it on the rack with the others.

“Alright, let’s get you to that phone.” You say as you grab your keys off the hook and switch the lights off.

When you turn to look at him the breath is stolen from your lungs immediately. He looks so celestial in the dark, somehow glowing in the dark. He’s stunning, he’s perfect, he’s painfully out of your league. You remind yourself of that last fact in order to still your nerves.

You turn on your heels and walk towards the door as quickly as you can without seeming rushed. He follows silently, the heavy sound of his thick cloak floating around him makes the hair on your neck stand up. He even sounds powerful.

After you exit the building, he stands with his back to you as you lock the door. His stance is protective, surveying the streets around you like a real hero. You can’t let it go to your head, it’s not for you specifically, he would do this for anyone, it’s his job.

The walk to your house isn’t really uncomfortable, but it is tense. The energy between you is painfully obvious, just not to each other. You both want to speak, ask about each other, know each other, but neither has the guts to make the first move.

While you walk, Tamaki’s head is constantly on a swivel, and he stays so very close to you. It makes your chest ache, the feeling of being so safe next to such an intimidating man. Nobody would dare approach you with him next to you. You would damn near kill to have this all the time, if not all the time at least as often as possible.

You arrive at your house after not even two minutes of tension filled strolling. Silently, cautiously, you both enter your home after you unlock the door.

"It's so cozy." Tamaki says immediately upon seeing all of the soft lights and pastels that make up your decor. He’s nearly trembling with excitement from finally being able to see inside your little world. After watching from the outside for so long, he can finally learn more about you.

"Oh, thanks, I try to keep it soft looking in here. It helps me decompress after a day at a busy restaurant." You explain, setting your keys in their dish before leading him down the hallway to the kitchen.

The house is nothing special, a simple little single bedroom, one story with a relatively open floor plan. It’s small but easy to afford and keep clean. It works for you.

“I’ll go grab the phone from my room, feel free to sit down.” You say, gesturing at the two chairs on either side of your tiny breakfast nook.

He just nods quietly, taking small glances around the rest of your house. You find his hypervigilance charming. It makes you feel incredibly secure to know he’s so aware of his surroundings.

You walk off to your bedroom then, leaving him to stand in your dimly lit kitchen.

Instantly, his eyes zero in on the laundry basket full of clothes that’s sitting on your counter. His body moves without his mind’s permission, his heart thrums in his chest once he catches something pink and lacy.

He can’t help but think you’ve done it on purpose, like you’re some spider sitting up in your web waiting for a poor little bug to stumble along and get all caught up. He’s more than willing to be that bug, and so desperate to get caught up.

He grabs the fabric quickly, as it unravels in his hands he sees what it is and his breathing stops.

It’s a pair of underwear, your underwear.

His fingers go all twitchy as he shoves his hood off to expose his pointed ears, wanting to be able to hear your footsteps.

He brings the panties and takes a deep breath in.

They’re not clean.

He has to choke back the noise that threatens to escape when he finally smells the intoxicating aroma. You smell so fucking sweet. His body reacts instantaneously, goosebumps raise on his flesh as he’s dick twitches in his pants.

God he feels dirty, but why should he? You lead him in here, after cooking for him and being so kind. You left this little gift out for him, you had to know what you were doing.

The sound of soft footsteps jolts him back to reality. He shoves the underwear deep into one of his pockets, he’ll keep them as long as he can, preferably forever.

“Sorry it took me a minute, I’m constantly misplacing everything. One of those ‘lose my head if it wasn’t attached to me’ kind of people.” You give a half hearted laugh, which he returns with a cute little chuckle as he takes your phone.

“Oh sorry about the laundry, I’m a bit of a mess today.” Hot embarrassment fills you as you grab the basket of dirty clothes off the counter and hoist it onto your hip.

“Don’t be sorry, you weren’t expecting any visitors.” He assures you, voice soft and soothing.

“I’ll run this to my room and give you some privacy.” You say, turning once again to leave him alone.

As soon as you’re out of the room his shoulders drop and he lets out a quaking breath. Having you so close after filling his mind with your smell pushed him to the very limit. He wants to grab you and lay you out on the counter, rip your pants off and shove his face between your thighs. He wants to drown in every smell and taste you can offer him. He wants to gorge himself on your sweet little cunt.

He can’t think straight. He’s fully hard, his skin is boiling and his mind is fuzzy. He has to get out of here, he has to get to somewhere hidden, Somewhere he can fuck his fist and think of playing with your soft body. Maybe, just maybe, if he stuffs your panties in his mouth he can taste a trace of you.

When you return he says a very quick goodbye, says something about stopping by your shop again so he can see you again. He doesn’t know for sure what words he uses, he’s too focused on getting out before you notice his erection, before you smell the shame wafting off of him in thick waves.

He has to go before he makes a mistake, before he ruins all of his plans.

You follow him to the door to let him out, bidding him goodnight with your gentle, enchanting voice.

You’ll never know that the phone at the restaurant worked fine, that he never even had to call Fatgum. You’ll never know that he stole from you, that he almost lost it and took you home with him. You won’t ever know that he’s not going home now that he’s left your home.

Urgently, he swoops around the corner of your house, heading straight for your bedroom window. His pants feel so tight it’s maddening, he’s frantic, he’s slipping.

As soon as he reaches the bedroom window, his favorite window, he slumps against the building with one arm as the other shoots down to his pants. He takes a quick glance around, noting that the lights in the surrounding buildings are all out given the hour.

He should be safe.

Then you walk into your room, the image of you is distorted slightly by the white sheers you have up, but only slightly, only enough to make you look like some fuzzy apparition.

She uses these curtains on purpose, she wants me to see.

You have no interest in showering tonight, now exhausted and confused. Did you say something wrong? Why did he take off like that? He did say he would see you tomorrow, though, which gives you a bubbly feeling.

You strip your clothes off, and it shreds Tamaki’s last ounce of self control.

You little fucking tease.

You undress until you’re left in your simple white underwear.

Tamaki’s hand is in his pants the second you crawl into bed. He grabs his aching length, thumbing at his head as he watches you shuffle around in the blankets. His mouth waters when he sees your collar bones, his breath hitches when he sees the way your stomach rolls when you sit. He starts to stroke himself slowly when you leave one leg out of your blankets.

His chest rises and falls rapidly as he remembers the precious gift in his pocket.

He snatches the panties out as he watches you move, as he zeroes in on the meat of your thigh. He shoves the fabric of the crotch into his mouth and bites. He bites your panties like he wants to bite your delicious looking legs.

His hand jerks more rapidly as the faintest flavor spreads across his tongue. His cheeks are pink and his eyes start to tear up as he trembles from the euphoria of knowing you this intimately. His hips thrust into his fist as he claws at the panites, pulling the fabric tight as he watches you drift off to sleep.

His mind races through every possible way he would take you. How he would ruin and claim every inch of you. The idea of you shaking beneath him, moaning his name so sweetly, begging him to keep going, maybe begging him to stop, it makes him want to break down the window.

He tongues at your panties, wishing he could swallow your slick. He feels so unbelievably envious of the fact that the fabric in his mouth has been so close to your perfect little hole. The thing he wants to taste the most, feel the most, fuck the most.

His hand tightens around his dick as he tries to imagine how tight you would feel around him. He rips your panties out for just a brief second so he can spit down into his palm, wrapping it around his cock the second the spit reaches his skin.

“Shit- fuck- shit- fucking love you.” He chokes out as his eyes stay locked on your body.

Once the panties are back in his mouth, the free hand flattens against the window.

Then you shift, hips rolling gently as you adjust your position, exposing your cute little ass to him.

“Slut- bad little slut.” He huffs out as he claws at the window. He feels his balls start to seize up as he focuses on his swollen head, fucking it as fast as he can whle he imagines you with your head buried in the pillows as you stick your ass in the air for him.

He tears the panties out of his mouth and holds the crotch of them in front of his dick, drool slips over his bottom lip as he lets out a high, broken moan while he starts to spill into them.

His body quakes and shivers as he squirts rope after rope of hot cum into his stolen prize. Tears wet his cheeks while drool soaks his chin as he strokes himself through his climax.

He chants your name over and over again, watching the way his seed ruins your pretty little panties. In his orgasmic haze, he brings the panties back to his mouth full of his own release, he laps it up as he eyes roll to the back of his head, pretending he’s made you cream yourself, pretending he’s tasting you instead.

It’s filthy, it’s depraved, but he doesn’t care, he needs it, he’d die without it. He swallows the rest of his own cum down with a greedy whine as he watches your perfect form lay there so peacefully.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there, how many more times he fucks his hand while he watches you sleep, only to leave himself covered in sweat and cum and shame. Somehow, he finds himself walking away, as much as it hurts, he knows he can't indulge himself all night.

Once he’s finally home, he collapses, body buzzing and addicted. He sleeps with your soiled panties clutched in his fist. He wakes up with one thought on his mind, he needs more.

[bittersweetmorality]

— chuuya boyfriend headcannons (sfw & nsfw)+ drabble

☾ genre: SFW and NSFW Headcannons (NSFW section is marked-- 18+)

☾ pairing: Nakahara Chuuya x GN!reader (reader is given the name ‘mommy’ in the drabble)

☾ warnings: none for the SFW– general smut for the NSFW ??

☾ w/c: 1,978 words

☾ a/n: hey lol :D as a certified chuuya fucker, i just had to.  i literally have like three other chuuya drafts that i’m currently working on.  hopefully they turn out like i want and i can post them bc :| the chuuya tag is starving.  anyway i hope i can populate it just a tad.  thanks for reading bugs !

— SFW 

lemme start off by saying that he will treat yo ass RIGHT.  ON MY MOMMA.

not to bring his trauma into this already but :| my man has major abandonment issues.  he will not do anything to jeopardize your relationship, and he honestly just values your happiness above anything else

you just know how much he cares about the fellow members of the mafia– even though they don’t requite the same amount of love that he gives them, he still loves them wholeheartedly

even dazai

little shit

his love language is definitely touch and gift-giving.  no i don’t accept criticism because i’m right

you’re telling me he wouldn’t absolutely spoil you with expensive gifts ?? mans is a mafia executive– he’s making hella bank, and he is spending it all on you

he’s also definitely a pretty clingy significant other, but good luck trying to get him to admit that :|

his life is… well… yaknow

there’s always a lot going on there..... he’s stresst

he wants nothing more than to just hold you in his arms after a long day-- especially if he just came back from a hard day at work

times like this are when he’s most clingy-- he feels like he almost lost you, and now he never wants to let you go

many, many times he’s fallen asleep like this; you’re basically suffocating in his grip as his eyelids flutter closed, either on the couch or your bed

but of course you’re not going to complain

and he’s so glad you don’t

he’s also the type to almost never explicitly say that he loves you at first, it’s simply not something that comes naturally to him

instead he indulges in his love languages profusely, and he just hopes you get the message

he’s also afraid that you’ll leave him if he says something like that, so for a long time he doesn’t :(

so when you come home to a bottle of expensive wine wrapped in an exquisite red ribbon, you know he just wants to tell you how much he loves you

eventually, of course he’s comfortable with you enough to say it, and it comes completely natural

and since he’s such a romantic, he says it every morning when you wake up, and before you go to bed without fail

he’s definitely the type to show you off too

like, as he’s having a conversation with someone, he’ll suddenly get really loud when talking about you so everyone within a three-mile radius can hear

“well, you see i would go out drinking with you tonight, but i actually have a date.  with my partner.  you know them, right?  here’s a picture i took of them a few days ago, just look a-”

also: biggest hype man

you could open a jar of jam and he’d be like “holy shit, you go babe”

nakahara chuuya kiss me rn challenge

anyway, basically he’ll love and support you no matter what

like truly you’re like a walking ray of sunshine to him

anyway !!!! DATES !!!!!!!

dates with chuuya are planned.  always.

like i SAID he’s a hopeless ROMANTIC MY GOD

he absolutely loves picking you up at your doorstep and taking you for a ride around town on his motorcycle

speaking of which, your arms wrapping around his middle and squeezing him tight as he drives the bike is literally his favorite thing in the world.  oh my god you’re going to make him melt

and i know for a fact your first kiss with him was after he dropped you off at your door when your first date was at its end

it was almost completely perfect honestly, except when your faces were just mere inches from one another, his hat bumped into your forehead and fell to the ground

baby was so embarrassed-- he went bright red and picked up his hat, basically shielding his face

he just wanted the date to be completely perfect– and it was!! until that happened

but obviously you just let out a light giggle and pulled him against you, and he quickly closed the gap between your lips

also, chuuya sleeps in

he sleeps a lot <33

that being said he loves lazy mornings

it’s well past 11, but you’re still laying in his arms– who is he to get up?? and disturb the peace??????

he will not.

also!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can’t even emphasize this enough, but please comb your fingers through his hair

there’s a chance he might melt into a puddle on the spot and never recover but still

on the rare occasion where he’s the little spoon--

(which, speaking of which, @dazai-centric​ has a headcannon that chuuya always insists on being the big spoon no matter what, but on rare occasions he lets himself be wrapped up in your arms and THEY’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.)

anyway, so on this rare occasion

where his head is basically buried in the junction between your shoulder and your neck, and you just rake your fingers through his hair softly

he dead.  dead as hell.

and ERRRRM.  kisses with him are just……… wow…………

naturally, he always wants to be the best at everything-- it’s just his personality

and kisses are no exception

he has to be the BEST

and he is

so, kisses are always so passionate and rough

okay hold on maybe this should go under the NSFW category 😐

ANYWAY!!!! 19472946/10 boyfriend

— NSFW

so rough sex is very common for y’all 😁

he likes to take his frustrations out from the day like this, and honestly you don’t complain

he definitely has a high sex drive so 😁

obviously you have an established safe-word and talk about everything before anything transpires because the LAST thing he wants is to hurt you in any way

but if you ask him to spank you he is definitely not gunna say no <3 chuuya said spanking kink

speaking of kinks

bondage xoxo

this goes both ways— he likes to tie your wrists to the headboard with rope and tie your legs down if you’re okay with it

for him, he likes his wrists cuffed to the bed

but he definitely doesn’t like all of his power stripped away by having him completely tied up

also he loves eye contact

that’s why missionary and mating press are his favorite positions <3

he likes to grab you by the jaw and make you look at him when he’s fucking you

“hey, hey, princess what did we say? if you want to cum, look me in the eyes when i fuck you, yeah?”

he loves praise and degradation equally

but if you’re degrading him don’t go too far :((

degrade slightly him while he’s on the bottom and he’s putty in your hands

now, if you praise him while he’s on top, get ready to not be able to walk for the next 3-5 business days because that’ll feed his ego a LOOOT

and he’ll just get lost in the moment because he loves you....... so much

he degrades you slightly, but only during foreplay

he calls you his little slut, or his whore

“aw, so wet for me and we’re barely getting started, doll.  such a little whore, aren’t you?”

when you actually get into it, it’s all praise from him

he wants you to know how important you are to him, how good you feel and just everything on his mind

he loses his filter in the moment awn god

“so fucking perfect, i only want you.  you’re mine.  god, you feel so fucking good.”

he loves to hear you too-- it really feeds his ego

but sometimes if he’s really had a rough day, he’ll make you gag on his finger or wrap his hand around your neck

he doesn’t squeeze too hard nor genuinely make you gag, he just likes the way your eyes are barely able to meet his because he’s making you feel so good

but ANYWAY pet names are a MUST with him

he calls you doll, sweetheart, princess, baby, dove, doll

basically every sweet name under the sun during sex

he likes you to call him sir 😁

this man has no shame when it comes to noise

like absolutely none

since he’s possessive, he wants people to know he’s fucking you, and how good he feels because of you

no one else can make him feel that way and he wants everyone to know

so he’s LOOOUUUDD,,,, especially in your ear

he likes leaning down and moaning in your ear, just to get a reaction out of you

he makes fun of you for it later on, and you have his full permission to smack that smug little smirk off his face

but the amount of times you had to stop mid-way because y’all got knocks on your door from your neighbours 😐 they’re so sick of y’all

on average, you have sex at least 4 times a week

that’s not including quickies tho

did i mention that chuuya loves quickies <3

especially when it’s in his office and he fucks you on his desk

and because he doesn’t care who hears him-- you bet your ass the entire Port Mafia has heard you

he likes to go down on you for quickies more than actual sex, and he will respectfully never decline a blowjob

because he’s a gentleman

anyway

sorry to any of y’all who have a breeding kink,,, but chuuya definitely does not

he’s so afraid of having kids

moving on

onto sub!chuuya

did somebody say SWITCH 🤨☝️

chuuya did <3

now for a long time he doesn’t really let his submissive side out because,,, it’s a really vulnerable part of him yaknow?

but after a while, and after he’s completely trusted you to take care of him like that

oh boy

bottom bitch <3

still loud as HELL

except it’s less of moaning and more of whining

he’s such a whiner

and a brat

mommy kink mommy kink mommy kink mommy kink mo

also i don’t really know how else to describe it but-- if you force him to look you in the eyes and use a stern tone

..........dead.  dead as hell.

now take this drabble as a tribute to sub!chuuya

“and why should i listen to you?  what are you gunna do?” chuuya furrowed his brows at you, as if he was challenging you.

“aw, baby,” you leaned down from your position of straddling him, caging his head between your arms.  “you still have so much to say even though your hands are handcuffed to the bed.  so bold, aren’t you?” you stroked his lower lip gently, and he whimpered lowly in response.

suddenly, you sat up, getting into a position to prepare to get up off of him completely, “but, you’re right.  what am i going to do?  i guess i’ll just leave you here for the rest of the night.  go-”

“WAIT!! NO- I-” he bit his lip to stop any more words from escaping him.

“’wait’?  is there something you wanna say, baby?” your legs trapped his once again.

“... please.”

he averted your gaze, and you reached down to grip his jaw sternly, moving his head to face you completely.

“please what?”

no answer.

“you know i can’t read your mind, baby.  you’re going to have to use your w-”

“please fuck me.” the words tumbled out of his mouth, almost too quickly to even be audible, still, your lips shifted into a gentle smile.

but you weren’t completely content with him yet.

“and what’s my name?”

“...mommy.”

“and you want mommy to fuck you, is that right?”

“...yes.  please...”

you planted a passionate kiss onto his lips, and upon breaking it, you shifted closer to his ear.

“well, i can’t say no since you asked so nicely, now can i?”

masterlist

[writingtoforgetreality]

Faking To Pretend (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Request: cathy cathy cathy here i am with another request *sigh* i cant help myself your writing is just too good

i was wondering if i might request a steve rogers x reader fic where maybe reader and steve are paired up for a mission and have to pretend to be married (undercover) and some thing happen to kind of force them to admit their feelings for each other (maybe one of them gets injured? or kidnapped idk you do what you want to 😂) anyways LOVE YOU SO MUCH ❤️❤️ (by @msmarvelsmain), [Marvel-Masterlist]

Summary: Fake engagements, wedding plans & an undercover mission that jeopardized your well-being in the blink of an eye. Throughout it all, you somehow had to hide the fact that your feelings for Steve were just friendly, nothing more.

Words: 8,610

Warnings: language, angst, fluff, humor, argument, brief mentions of drugs, undercover mission (engagement & wedding plans), female pronouns used, that's pretty much it

[Mimi…this happens when our ideas get mixed up. LOVE YOU TOO!]

If you like my work & wanna support me: a coffee would be highly appreciated ❤

The familiar sound of a notification emanated from your phone. You deposited the book you had been immersed in onto the mattress & replaced it with the device. It confused you for a second when you noticed Tony being the one to message you. After all, you were literally in the same building.

Stark: meeting in 5.

(Y/N): you do know that you could tell me in person, right? just knock or something.

Stark: you’re too far away.

(Y/N): two doors, stark. TWO!

Stark: meeting in 4.

(Y/N): i hate you.

A loud sigh escaped through your lips. Typical Tony. Two could play that game. You planned on arriving right in time, not earlier. Maybe a few seconds too late. Anything to mess with him. At least he could get a taste of his own medicine that way.

“You’re a minute late.” Tony commented when he watched you walk inside the room. Your arms crossed over your chest as you leaned your shoulder against the door frame.

“You’re lucky I came in the first place.” you remarked. “Besides, I’m the first one here. Mission alone?” you questioned, raising your eyebrows while expectantly waiting for his answer. It was not usual for you to go alone. Except if the mission concerned grabbing pizza from the place down the block. You hoped for him that he did not pull that card, though.

“No but I wanted to discuss it with you before the others- oh, never mind.” Tony stopped talking when three more figures entered the room, brushing past your frame without paying too much attention to you. Sam. Bucky. Steve. What a damn combination. That was your team? Well, good luck. Everyone got seated on the chairs circling the big table but you stood your ground in the doorway. Steve patted the free chair next to his side, eyes flickering up to yours. A silent invitation you politely declined by shaking your head but you made sure that he could detect your small smile. Tony did not seem to mind & went straight ahead into explaining the mission you four had to perform. Most of the time, you zoned off though you really did try your hardest to stay focused. But when you glanced between the men in the room, you already knew the chaos that would come with them.

Basically, the team came across a signal emitting from the back of a small shop. From what you knew so far, it was some sort of a database that saved a whole lot of criminals. Some of them who you had fought in the past & some of them who you had never heard of but they sounded incredibly dangerous nevertheless.

“Question.” one of your hands raised & you waited for them to look at you.

“Go for it.” Tony pointed over to you, letting out a low breath because you were behaving as if you were in class & needed permission before speaking up.

“Why do Steve & I have to be the ones engaged?” normally, you would not care about undercover missions. But when said mission had you teamed up & fake-engaged to Steve? Well, you had a hard time separating work from personal feelings. Not that anything was going on between you guys but you would not lie if you said that you wanted to change it.

“What, do you want Sam & Bucky to be the couple in question?” Stark, in return, asked another question & you rolled your eyes.

“No, of course not.” that earned you disagreements from both, Sam & Bucky. Steve simply sat by, chuckling quietly while observing your conversation quietly.

“And Steve & you are close. It’ll be easier for you guys to pretend.” Tony casually stated & you had to fight the urge to avert your gaze. If you did, they sure as hell would realize something being wrong with you. And you were not about to be embarrassed in front of them. Maybe you already were but at least they did not know about it. After all, you were a fucking great actor.

“Uh-huh.” so you played it cool. As cool as the situation allowed you to be. “But why do we need Laurel & Hardy with us then?”

“Because I said so.” Tony used your most hated phrase & he damn well knew it. After a short pause, he turned a bit more serious again. “They’ll be Steve’s best men.”

“Wait.” your hand raised & you closed your eyes for a second. “Steve has two best men & I’m not allowed a maid of honor?” now everyone inside the meeting room was chuckling. Everyone but you.

“Pretty much, yeah.” Stark shrugged, brushing it off as nothing though he was aware that you were annoyed by his plan already.

“How is that fair?” you could not stop asking questions, somehow hoping that if you continued, you could get out of this successfully. Deep down, it was clear that the mission had been planned & you could not do anything to change it. Not even a single thing.

“It isn’t.” Tony admitted with a brief nod of his head. “But you’ll need Sam & Bucky on this one. So stop bitching around.”

“These are gonna be some long ass days…” you mumbled, putting your face in your hands in frustration.

“Enjoy!” & with that, Tony dismissed you, leaving you behind dumbfounded.

Sam & Bucky exited the room soon after. Steve & you were the only ones left.

“(Y/N)?” Steve’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts. Immediately, the frown was replaced by a genuine grin. You found yourself in this state whenever he looked at you like that. Whenever he talked to you, actually. “Everything okay?” his eyes showed concern. They usually did when he noticed you zoning off.

“Huh?” you asked before the words had processed. “Oh, yeah. Of course.”

“I’m sorry about.” his hands gestured wildly, searching for the most suitable words. “The mission being uncomfortable for you.”

“No, it’s not uncomfortable.” you tried to explain yourself. “Just, sometimes I feel like Stark just wants to mess with me.”

“Well, if it helps cheering you up…I’ll behave.” he winked at you playfully & you hated how your body reacted to such simple movements.

“I’m sure you will.” you snickered. “My true worries are your best men.” a sly smirk spread onto your face & Steve could not hold back a chuckle.

“Yeah, I can’t control them.” he agreed with you. “I’ll see you around.” he walked past you, turning around one last time. You simply nodded at him, not trusting your own voice. While you handled the situation as best as you could, you wanted to avoid an awkward goodbye. Besides, you would set out first thing in the morning. You needed some alone time before shit started going down. Not that you expected this mission to fail. The exact opposite, actually. The four of you worked incredibly well together. Compensating other’s mistakes & improvising fast if needed. Mostly, though, you ended up straying from the actual plan & that was what had you worried. Because if you did not stick to it, things could turn real uncomfortable real quick.

As if the mission itself was not demanding enough, the car ride to even arrive at your destination was ten times worse. Steve was behind the wheel & you were lucky that you occupied the passenger’s seat & did not have to sit in the back with either Sam or Bucky. They were children, really. Right now, it felt like Steve & you were the parents of two incredibly challenging kids who could not shut their mouths. Not even for a second. Steve succeeded with ignoring them & he was concentrating on the road so that gave him another thing to do. You, on the other hand, were stuck without any distractions except for the bickering that was currently going on in the backseat. But you knew better than to interrupt them because if you did, it would only turn worse. So you took a few deep breaths & settled further into your seat, closing your eyes to maybe rest a bit before your arrival. What you did not notice was Steve glancing over to your figure, a smile playing at the corners of his lips as he recognized you attempting to sleep during the stress inside the car.

At least the hotel Tony checked you in was worth it. Fake-engagements had their perks. Especially if a luxurious suite was a part of it. Sam & Bucky were somewhere in another room but Steve & you, the two of you pretty much occupied an entire floor. That was how huge your room was. You did not even have to carry your own suitcases. There was an employee who helped you with that. What a nice way of living that was. If only you were not pretending. But why were you even thinking that way? You had a mission to perform & more importantly, you could not fail. And you would not if you solely focused on your task. It could not be that hard, right? You had done something similar multiple times before. It should be an easy one for you. But it was not. And the main reason was Steve. It was wrong of you to put the blame on him but how could you not if you literally had to pretend to be his fiancée? It felt like a secret wish you did not dare to voice. And yet he was here right in front of you, in the same room. A place you were supposed to share for the next few days. And you somehow had to play it cool. There was only one outcome. Burying your feelings deep down in order to not jeopardize the mission or your team. No matter how much your heart protested.

“(Y/N)?” you heard Steve’s voice as you were stepping out of the shower. Only a towel was covering your still wet body but you feared that, if you did not open the door right away, you were in danger somehow. That was your mind’s conclusion. Which really did not make any sense if you gave it a second thought. You opened the door a crack, risking a glance outside & eased when you only saw Steve on the other end. It was a natural reaction for you to push the door open wider. But you kind of forgot that you were not wearing any clothes except for that poor excuse of a hotel towel which was way too small for your liking. Steve’s eyes widened & he could not stop from letting them flicker up & down your body. You squirmed under his stare, arms coming to cross over your chest in order to keep the fabric in place. A few moments of awkward silence ticked by & you wanted it to end. So you coughed & gained his attention once more. His eyes were locking with yours & while you usually lost yourself in them, you were way more comfortable than having him eyeing your every part in great detail.

“You needed anything?” you stuttered out, hoping your voice did not sound all too weak but even to yourself, you were aware that you were failing.

“Um, yeah…” his cheeks turned rosy. One of his hands came up to scratch the back of his neck. “But I probably should’ve waited a couple minutes longer.” he should have but it was too late now anyway.

“If it’s nothing too important then I’ll go get dressed real quick, alright? I’ll take like two minutes.” you attempted an honest smile but it was underlined with a hint of embarrassment that was definitely detectable. Steve simply nodded, stepping back a bit so you could close the door once more. Your back rested against the wooden surface & you quietly sighed out with closed eyes. That was not what you expected. Fingers crossed nothing between you two would turn awkward from now on. But then again, he was your best friend & it was not like you were completely naked. Just barely dressed but covered enough so he did not see anything. You would be just fine.

With a decent outfit & regained confidence, you exited the bathroom & found Steve sitting at the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands where he shifted a small package between his fingers. His head snapped up when he heard your footsteps. You two exchanged a smile & it was then when you knew that your shamefaced encounter would not change the bond you shared. It was as if everything was the same old. And it was probably for the better.

“Was that why you needed something from me?” you gestured to the little box & Steve was brought back to reality. Right, there was a reason why he wanted to talk to you in the first place.

“Tony gave it to me right before we left.” he stood up & approached you with long steps. “Said it’d be more believable if you wore one.” Steve stretched out his hand so you could take the black package from him. With curious eyes & delicate fingers, you took it from him. Your eyebrows raised as your eyes met his but he only shrugged at you without giving you an actual explanation. Carefully, you uncapped the box & were shocked when you noticed the small, sparkling ring inside. The colors of the rainbow reflected in the diamond adorning the silver jewelry. It looked way too expensive for it to be a fake one.

“Tony wants me to wear an engagement ring?” you asked even though it was more than obvious. Maybe you just needed reassurance.

“Makes it more believable.” Steve repeated.

“It probably cost more than what I’ll earn in a lifetime.” you chuckled & closed the lid again.

“So you’re not gonna wear it?” he questioned cautiously. For a flicker, he turned insecure because maybe the reason why you refused to wear it was because you did not want people to believe he was your fiancé.

“Of course I’m gonna wear it! It’s stunning. Just…” you paused briefly & bit your bottom lip to contemplate your next words. “It’s expensive. I can’t risk losing it. I’ll put it on whenever we’re outta this room, though. I won’t be the one blowing our cover.” you assured & laughed because you were indirectly blaming Sam or Bucky to mess up. Steve silently agreed with you but did not say anything else as you situated the ring on the nightstand right next to the large bed. It was late, the moon already doing its job with providing a pleasant light that shone through the blinds & illuminated the gloomy suite. For tomorrow’s mission, you needed to be well-rested to fully function.

Steve insisted that you should occupy the bed on your own. He would be perfectly fine on the couch. The cushions of it were incredibly soft, Tony had paid a fortune after all, you still felt poorly for sleeping in the bed alone. Tomorrow would most likely bring him back pain. He was not the youngest soul, after all. Not that you would ever tell him. It was not meant as offending, though. If you were the one on the couch, your back would kill you as well. But you were too much of a coward to suggest that there was enough space for two people. That & you were scared that he did not even want to share in the first place. That could be an intelligible possibility. Your overthinking consumed quite a bit of time because when you heard Steve’s soft & even breaths, you knew that you were too late already. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe you could gain enough courage to ask him tomorrow. Why were you even so eager to have him beside you? What kind of question was that? You were very well aware why. The conversation you held with yourself in your mind came to an abrupt stop as exhaustion overcame & lulled you into a dreamless night.

Constant knocking stirred you awake. You groaned into your pillow because you were still tired but someone decided to shorten your rest. Assuming Steve was already up, you peeked over the blankets covering your body. You were right, he was opening the door. Appearing like he had not just got out of bed. Or off of the couch, in his case. Steve tried to be as quiet as possible, thinking that you were still passed out on the bed.

“G’morning.” you mumbled out & wiped your eyes with the back of your hands. Steve smiled at you. Right now, you looked cute. Pissed off because it was too early but that did not matter when you were all wrapped up in the blankets.

“Coffee?” he suggested & you immediately got into a sitting position at the mention of it. He had his answer then.

“Wait. What is this?” you gestured to the serving trolley Steve was pushing over to the bed. It was obvious what it was but you were bewildered because you did not expect him to order breakfast.

“Tony took our undercover mission very serious.” he shrugged, leaving the food next to you & wanting to grab a few things to eat by the table.

“No.” you shook your head & halted his movements. “I mean, come on. When was the last time you had breakfast in bed?” you patted the spot next to you. Steve paused for a second but after a short while of contemplation, he agreed & got seated on the mattress. Breakfast in bed. That itself would have been amazing but with Steve? It was almost as if a dream of yours got fulfilled. You needed to stop thinking that way. Undercover missions meant faking, pretending. Why were you struggling so much this time?

“I look like a bitch.” you commented once you got into your undercover outfit. Sam & Bucky were already in your suite & they complained about what a poor excuse their room was compared to yours.

“So what’s different?” Sam joked & earned a slap from you.

“First of all, if we don’t wear what Tony prepared for us, people will notice. And (Y/N)? You don’t look like a bitch, you’re good.” Steve commented & even though his words were not necessarily cute, they still did things to you.

“Woah, Steve. Nice ring you picked out there, pal.” Bucky spotted the diamond on your finger & could not help himself but tease you two about it.

“Could we all just focus on the mission?” funny thing that you were the one saying that. Considering that you probably struggled the most out of the four of you.

“Okay, got it. (Y/N) doesn’t look like a bitch but she acts like one.” Sam smirked & started sprinting through the suite when you took off to catch him. Steve & Bucky shook their heads & chuckled at your childish behavior. None of this was new, though. Things usually went that way when you were sent on a mission together.

“The signal comes from the back of this shop.” Steve whispered, all of you trying to stay undetected for the time being so you could discuss the plan further.

“It’s a pastry shop?” you pointed out & suddenly, three men were rolling their eyes at you. “What?”

“You expected something that sold knives?” Sam teased.

“Maybe, I don’t know.” you whisper-yelled.

“Sam, Bucky. You two enter the back while (Y/N) & I distract the guy.” Steve described your plan once more & you all nodded, each understanding their task. While you did not exactly know what you would do to grab the clerk’s attention, you were certain that you could think of something. Improvising was something you were skilled at, you simply hoped that Steve would not stand in the way.

“Welcome! What can I help y’all with?” the almost sweet voice of the man behind the counter was not what you would expect when you looked him up & down. At the same time, he really appeared out of place in a shop like that.

“Yes!” your enthusiasm, well fake-enthusiasm, was more than obvious & you wrapped your arms around Steve’s torso to get into character. “My fiancé & I are looking for some pies for our upcoming wedding.” Steve let you do the talking, his only response being a nod, underlined with a genuine smile.

“Ah, young love.” the guy clicked his tongue & shook his head slightly. “We have a variety of our best wedding cakes right here.” he pointed to a selection behind a class cabinet.

“No, no, no.” you contradicted. “We’d love to have pie at our wedding. I saw you have some delicious looking options over there.” you gestured to the other side of the shop.

“Pie at a wedding? Isn’t that a little unconventional?” the seller raised his eyebrows, seemingly suspicious & it looked like Steve noticed that as well.

“I think we’ll do fine with cak-“ but before he had the chance to finish, you nudged him with your elbow & shot him a look. “I’m sure your cake is great but pie reflects us better.” Steve corrected himself quickly once he realized what you were planning to do.

“Alrighty, then please follow me over there.” the place behind the counter was now free so Sam & Bucky had a clear path to enter. “Any preferences?”

“Anything, really.” you encouraged the man who opened the showcase. He was so busy with his task, Sam & Bucky had it easy to break in. The corners of your eyes spotted their figures. Now they just needed more time to successfully get the information you all needed.

“Can I ask y’all something?” the clerk spoke up after handing you yet another sample of pie. Truthfully, it was a dream come true. Spending time with Steve while eating pie after pie? If only you did not have to pretend. Did you pretend? Or did you fake to pretend? Your brain did not make sense anymore.

“Go for it.” Steve encouraged.

“You’re the first couple to ask for pie samples. What’s up with that?” the man asked curiously, no longer looking at you like you were suspicious but genuinely interested.

“Well.” Steve chuckled & you could not help but let your gaze flicker up to his face. “We are a very unusual couple. Pie at a wedding is unusual. It’s perfect.” while he spoke those last words, his eyes locked with yours & you could have sworn that time halted right then & there. But you had to snap out of it. For the sake of this mission. A look over the shop owner’s shoulder confirmed that you did not have to pretend too much longer. Sam & Bucky were already on their way out again, turning their heads in your direction to silently confirm that they were done. Successful? That you could not tell just yet.

A few minutes & another pie later, you looked at your watch on your wrist & gasped exaggeratingly.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Steve asked & you almost gasped again, though this time, it would have been for an entirely different reason.

“Um, it’s late, we need to head to the thing.” you were doing so well & now, at the end, you managed to slip.

“The thing?” Steve inquired & by the look on your face he could tell that you were overwhelmed & could not think of a proper excuse. “Oh, the fitting.” he quickly added, hoping nobody would ask which kind of fitting. Seemed like you two were lucky today.

“In that case…I’ll let y’all go. Do you want me to put the rest of the samples in a box for you to take home? That way you have more time to figure out which one to choose.” he reasoned & Steve & you nodded gratefully. Behind the counter, he worked quickly & handed you a paper bag in no time.

“Thanks, man. We’ll get back to you.” Steve waved, putting an arm over your shoulder as you exited the shop. The moment you were out, you could finally breathe again. Missions made you extremely nervous. Undercover missions such as this one, actually. During the others you were perfectly fine.

“Thanks for helping me out back in there.” you chuckled once you were out of sight.

“Pie? Really? Wouldn’t have surprised me if he just saw through us right away.” Steve said with a smile on his face. Good, so he was not mad at you.

“In my defense…The pies were at the other end of the shop so I helped Sam & Bucky.” you finished your sentence but it sounded as if you wanted to add something.

“And you love pie?” Steve did not even have to ask, he knew you well enough.

“And I love pie.” you repeated & laughed. Steve still had not let go of you, hugging you to the side of his body. You did not seem to mind so he kept continuing to hold you close.

Steve placed the paper bag on the small table right in the entrance area. Immediately, you went to the bathroom to rid yourself of that stupid outfit you had to wear & threw on something more comfortable. Once you exited, Sam was already in your suite. The four of you decided to have the meeting in your room because it was bigger & the others kind of wanted to move in with you.

“What’s in there?” Sam asked, pointing to the brown paper bag.

“Pie.” you simply answered without much thought. Sam hummed but did not say anything else. Steve & you were in the living room area, waiting for Bucky to show up so you could start discussing more about this mission. Specifically what they found out during their inspection. The creak of the door gained your attention & you looked up only to find Bucky entering. Your gaze then flickered to Sam who was hiding behind the door, pie in one hand, his free hand came to his mouth, telling you to be quiet. It all happened too fast, Bucky was in Sam’s sight & in an instant, there was a pie right in the super soldier’s face. Steve came right in time to watch the scene, his previous intention to greet his best friend completely forgotten now.

“Sam.” Bucky growled, way too quiet for your liking. But you could not focus on his warning right now. You glanced over your shoulder & noticed Steve’s almost sad expression. The only one who could not control his laughter was Sam. He was practically on the floor because he was laughing so hard. The only emotion running through you was anger.

“I. WANTED. TO. EAT. THAT.” you were seething & all three men turned their heads at your tone.

“Sorry?” Sam tried but you were having none of it.

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” you pretty much yelled.

“I’m gonna kill you.” Bucky whispered & Sam took that as his cue to run away, through that labyrinth of your suite. Bucky sprinted after him, leaving Steve to shake his head at their childish behavior.

“(Y/N)?” Steve’s voice was soft & yet it did nothing to calm you down. You really did love pie & you had been excited to eat the rest of it in bed tonight ever since you left that shop.

“WHAT?” you snapped back, only now realizing that it was not Steve’s fault. “I’m sorry.” you added almost inaudible.

“It’s fine.” he raised his eyebrows & opened his arms. You were not sure why but Steve wanted to hug you & you never declined one of his hugs. So you fell into his embrace, both of you silently knowing that this action was not because of a stupid pie. Though you had to admit that you were mad at Sam that you could not eat the rest anymore. This hug held a deeper meaning & for a few seconds, you let yourself enjoy it. Until a loud screech from the other room snapped you back into the present. Steve & you parted unwillingly. You had to, before Sam & Bucky ended up killing each other.

The four of you sat around the coffee table, you occupying the floor while the others each took a seat on the oversized couch. A pout was still very much present on your face. Yes, you were mad at Sam but you had other things, more important things, to deal with right now. Revenge could come later.

“So?” Steve was the one to speak up after nobody else made a move to do so.

“Sam & I managed to break in.” Bucky casually said as if you did not see that to begin with. That was the plan after all.

“But?” your tone was still harsh but you tried your hardest to push that aside.

“We couldn’t hack the system.” Sam finished. “That’s your specialty.”

“Okay, wait.” you closed your eyes briefly. “You wanna tell me that it took you what felt like an eternity to check out the back room only to sit here now & tell us that you couldn’t get the information?” you concluded with a loud sigh.

“In our defense…We know that we’re definitely looking at the right place.” Bucky commented, careful to not anger you any further.

“So what do you suggest?” Steve asked the two men.

“We’ll go there again tonight. All of us. (Y/N) here hacks the system & we’ll see what we can do after that.” Sam established the new plan & you nodded in understanding.

“I still hate you for wasting the pie on Bucky.” you crossed your arms over your chest.

“I promise I’ll make it up to you.” Sam chuckled though you knew he was not planning on keeping his promise.

“Alright, please go back to your room before I do something I might regret later.” you motioned for Sam & Bucky to leave & they did after arranging a time to meet again.

Since you had the brains in this group, it was an easy one for you to deactivate the security cameras without being seen. After that, you went on to the alarm system & turned it off as well. Which meant that you were free to go. It was the dead of the night, nobody was around. You could enter without a single soul watching you. Steve pushed his body weight against the back door. Once, twice. Until it opened.

“You do know that I could’ve picked the lock, right?” your voice made him spin around. It looked like he only now thought of that but he brushed it off, pretending that this was his plan & it worked out the way he wanted to. The room appeared rather normal. Nothing that caught your eye, nothing that was out of place. An office like you had seen multiple times. The computer was turned off so you changed that real quick, waiting for the screens to light up.

“Earlier today, it wasn’t protected by a password.” Sam furrowed his eyebrows.

“Yeah, dumbass. Because the computer was on already. Give me a second.” you opened various drawers to look for a sign as to what the password could possibly be. The others let you do your work, not daring to speak up to interrupt you. “There we go.” you found a small paper in between some notebooks. Not necessarily the safest place to keep secret things but you would not judge. The home screen showed up. Again, nothing special. Simply a picture of flowers. Weird for the guy who worked here but that was none of your concerns.

“And?” Steve broke the silence.

“There are some decrypted files…” you mumbled, sitting down on the office chair. This would take a bit longer, you assumed.

“Can you get access?” another question from Steve. At least the children were quiet for now.

“Of course I can.” you smiled triumphantly. “Give me a few minutes, though.” you were so focused on the screen, you did not see the others nodding. It was tough, you were not going to lie, but it was you who hacked into the system. You never failed with that.

“Huh.” you breathed out. Truthfully, you were overwhelmed with all the information you were receiving with one look only. Steve, Sam & Bucky each took a place behind you, staring at the screen curiously. “Guys? That’s…scary.” you chuckled uncomfortably.

“What is this?” Bucky mumbled quietly but since it was so silent in this room, everyone heard. This was way bigger than you initially thought. Once you made it back to your hotel, you needed to call Tony.

“(Y/N).” Steve shoved you away gently, taking the mouse in his hand to enlarge what caught his attention. You had to gulp at what you saw. What the hell were you doing on there? Steve’s muscles tensed, you could tell by one single look at him. It took a few deep breaths from your side until you started the process of transferring the information on your little flash drive. ”(Y/N).” Steve tried again, this time a bit louder.

“Yeah, I know.” you answered, ignoring your fast beating heart as much as it was possible. “I got everything, let’s head back.” it was clear that you wanted to leave this place behind & you were the first who made it out into the cool night air. Breathing worked easier out here.

“Hey, Tony.” by now, you were back in your hotel room, picking up your phone to call Tony once Steve went into the bathroom.

“(Y/N)! Successful?” he asked, already thinking that you finished this mission & started heading home.

“Not yet. Seems like this is bigger than we thought…” you trailed off at the end, not really wanting to explain what you found out.

“Bigger how? (Y/L/N), come on.” Tony urged & heard you sigh over the phone.

“It was at the back of the shop, that was correct. I hacked into the system & …it looks like it’s some sort of website where people can pay beforehand, assigning criminals for certain acts. It’s huge, Tony. Tons of people have an account & there are so many new assignments every minute…I’ll send you the data in a second, okay? We’ll check out the coordinates we found tomorrow. We think it could lead us to a very important member of this website. And maybe the guy from the shop has something to do with it, though I’m not sure which part he plays in all of that.” you left out a very significant detail & hoped he would not ask more questions.

“There’s something else.” he stated, knowing you better even though he could not read your body language like he usually did.

“That’s all. I promise we’ll finish this missi-“ your phone was taken from you but before you could complain about it, Steve continued the call with Tony.

“Someone instructed to eliminate (Y/N) because, & I quote, “She’s too pretty to be part of the Avengers”. That assignment was where we got the coordinates from. Means the guy from the shop probably manages all of that but he isn’t the one we’re looking for.” silence enveloped you two & you figured that Tony was talking on the other end. “Yeah, sure. That’s the top priority. We’ll work on that & you start looking into the website.” Steve ended the call & threw your phone on the mattress next to where you were sitting.

“What the hell, Steve?” you were furious because he acted differently. And not in a good way. The only response from him was a cold look. He then moved out to the balcony that was attached to your suite. It was unusual for him to be so distanced, especially when it came to you. And you were hesitant to follow him. Considering his body language, he was mad at you. Why? You had no idea. Did you do anything to piss him off? Your gaze fell to your hands in your lap. The diamond on your ring finger sparkled beautifully. You recalled how it felt to be next to Steve, in that small pastry shop where you ate pie after pie to pick the perfect one for your wedding. This was something that could never be. It was all pretending but why did it feel so real to you? Steve probably was not struggling as much as you were & you hated yourself for it.

A hand on his shoulder startled him. Steve eased when he found you standing next to him. The sun would begin rising soon but the both of you were not tired at all. Though the reasons were different. Steve’s mind was still occupied with the information that there was someone out there who paid an awful lot of money to have you eliminated. You, on the other hand, struggled with keeping your feelings buried. Your hands held onto the railing. The movement made Steve look down where the engagement ring was still adorning your hand. You had not taken it off yet. In fact, he only realized that now, you even wore it during your mission of breaking into the shop. Sam & Bucky did not comment on it & to Steve, it was almost…normal. But you did say you would not keep it on you unless you were outside, pretending to be engaged to him.

“What did I do?” your voice interrupted his racing thoughts.

“What?” Steve was confused that you believed you did something wrong.

“Ever since we got outta that shop, you’ve been distant & cold. Was it something I did?” you kept looking straight forward, not wanting to hold eye contact because you feared the worst. That you managed to mess up somehow & Steve was angry at you.

“You didn’t do anything.” his body faced yours & you could practically feel his eyes on you. His intense stare made your breath hitch up.

“You sure about that?” finally, you turned around. Your bodies were almost touching, you underestimated the distance between you two.

“You act as if you don’t care.” his statement had you furrow your eyebrows. He rolled his eyes but continued anyway. “Someone paid a huge amount of money. To have you killed. And here you are, pretending that it doesn’t matter. It’s something you’re really good at, huh? Pretending.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” your voice raised slightly but you still wanted to keep it down, you were outside, everyone could hear your conversation.

“See? You’re doing it again.” Steve called you out. “We found that piece of information by accident.”

“I’m aware.” you arms went to hug yourself. A distraction that barely did its job.

“So your life means nothing to you.” his words were harsh. And if you were honest, they hurt. A lot.

“I never said that.” you hated how your voice wavered. How you could not appear to be the strong woman right now.

“You act like it, though.” with each word he said, your heart broke a little more. If only he knew. “I understand. This whole pretending thing is something you’re good at. This mission showed that much. But this is real, (Y/N). So, for a second, stop pretending & act like you care!”

“STOP!” you yelled out of breath. Instinctively, Steve took a step back, eyes wide by your sudden outburst. “Just stop.” this time, you spoke it much softer. Your gaze flickered to the ground, head hanging low.

“I’m sorr-“ Steve was interrupted.

“I said stop.” you repeated. “Steve, we’re on a mission. We’re supposed to put a stop to this shit. None of this has anything to do with me pretending to be your fiancée or me pretending that I don’t give a damn about my life.”

“Are you sure about that?” he emphasized. One hand went to the diamond on your finger & slipped it off. You made a fist around it, though it was not with a lot of pressure. You did not intend to damage the ring.

“I might be good at pretending but I’m no professional.” you admitted. Steve grew more & more confused. He did not know you were talking about the fact that you were not pretending to be engaged to him. To you, it felt natural, it felt good. Right now, though, you did pretend that none of this faced you. But Steve could not tell the difference.

“Can I be honest with you?” he waited until your eyes met his.

“Go ahead.” you waved your hand for him to continue.

“I was cold towards you because once we found out about that, you didn’t say anything about it. And I can’t believe that you just don’t care about it. About your life. I can’t. You don’t have to pretend when you’re with me, you know that. We’re not engaged right now. No undercover mission. You & me. So please be honest with me.” he took your hands into his & you did not flinch back. The touch grounded you but it was no lie that you were having a hard time to be completely honest with him.

“Why do you care so much?” maybe not the smartest thing to ask. Steve’s reaction was proof enough. He let go of your hands, turned his back towards you & let out a breathless laugh. His hands raised to his hair, messing it up in the slightest. Seconds ticked by but it felt like hours until he spun around once more.

“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” it seemed like that confession made the both of you stop dead in your tracks. It was not the first time Steve said those words but his tone differed from the previous ones. Still, chances were high he addressed your friendship with that. Because you were friends. Simple friends. “Say something.” he grew desperate when you did not reply.

“I-I don’t know what you want me to say. That I love you, too? You know that, Steve.” your words were steady, calculated. It was too soon to get your hopes up.

“How far do I have to go for you to realize that I want you?” he approached you, hesitancy in his steps. “Didn’t it feel natural to you when we acted like a couple? Because, I can’t keep that up anymore, I can’t. Tell me you don’t feel the same & I’ll back off. We can forget this right now, we don’t have to talk about it anymore. But if you-“ his speech was cute but you had to be close to him now that he finally confessed that there was more between you two. You cupped his cheeks & pulled him in to kiss him. Steve was shocked at first but it did not take him too long until his hands rested on your waist, tightening his grip on you. After parting, Steve kept his forehead against yours. Both of you had your eyes closed, breathing the same air. You imagined this exact moment more than once. But never before had it played out like that. Not that you were complaining, your feelings were finally out there.

“You were wrong, you know?” as much as you enjoyed the silence, there was still something you wanted him to know.

“Wrong about what?” he opened his eyes to look at every feature of you. Because it was no longer forbidden, he was allowed to do that now.

“I didn’t pretend while we were in the shop pie tasting.” you admitted, a small smile playing at the corner of your lips. “I faked pretending, if that makes sense…But, after I saw the bounty on my head, I started pretending.” he nodded at you, squeezing your waist once to encourage you to keep talking. “Steve? I’m scared.”

“It’s okay.” Steve’s arms went around your shoulders, pulling you close once again. His chin on your head. If only that could dispose of all of your worries. The only thing he could do was letting you hold onto him.

Steve did not sleep on the couch that night. Not because he did not want to but because you insisted to have him close. It was not the first time you two shared a bed. Sometimes, when missions did not allow you anything else, you ended up next to each other. Tonight felt different, better. Because there was no longer a weight on your heart. Were you two in a relationship already? Maybe you had been for some time but the two of you were too oblivious to notice. There was enough time to label whatever this was as soon as this mission was over. Your focus should solely be on this mission. Tons of lives depended on it. Yours included.

“You’re stubborn. Do you know that?” the next morning came sooner than you would have liked. No time for cuddling in bed, no time for breakfast. Two hours of sleep was all you got. But you had never felt this rested in your entire life. The reason was a certain super soldier. Not that you would ever admit that.

“Would I have chickened out if I didn’t know they were after me? No. I can handle myself.” Steve suggested for you to stay behind because they were looking for you. It could bring on unnecessary danger & he obviously needed you to be safe.

“But we know now.” Steve tried reasoning but it was useless, you already made your decision.

“Right. So it’s time to put a stop to it. Come on, Sam & Bucky are waiting for us.” you were out of the door before Steve found enough time to argue with you.

The drive to the coordinates was tense. Not even the kids in the back were joking around. Possibly because this mission turned into something way more hazardous. The situation between Steve & you was the same. Hence why nobody commented on it. After all, you pretty much confessed before there was an actual confession. Therefore, it was the same old. The only difference was your gut feeling that did not give you a hard time anymore. That was not entirely true. You had a bad gut feeling but for another reason.

“That’s the house?” you gestured to the building after the car came to a stop.

“This is it.” Steve confirmed.

“I don’t know why I expected some sort of villa.” Bucky commented while glancing out of the window.

“Maybe that would be too obvious. I mean, we do know that they receive the money beforehand, right? And I’m sure that the order to eliminate me wasn’t his first one.” you spotted Steve tensing up when you talked about that assignment. Your hand squeezed his shoulder & you hoped that your smile was convincing enough. You were alright & you would be after this mission. With Steve, Sam & Bucky on your side, you had nothing to fear. If push came to shove, they would go out of their ways to keep you safe.

“Steve?” Sam spoke up. “You know we need him alive, right?”

“Of course.” Steve nodded though his mind was contemplating going further than that. Unfortunately, you still had to figure out who was the one to assign this to the criminal. Tony was onto that, checking if there was more to find out about that anonymous account who paid the money. “A few punches won’t kill him.”

It was the break of dawn & the neighborhood was completely empty. The silence inside the car was interrupted by Steve’s sign to make a move. All of you stayed close together, you were not about to make the same mistake people did in horror movies. Besides, you felt safer with them around. A noise made you spin around. It was coming from down the hallway. Steve took the lead, you right behind him. Sam & Bucky trailing behind after you. A gun was clutched in your hand but you were not intending to use it today. Hopefully there was no need to. Steve shot you a look over his shoulder, silently telling you to be prepared. When he pushed the door open with his body weight this time, you did not tease him about it like you did when you broke into the back of the pastry shop the other night. The sight you were met with was…unexpected. There was a man sitting behind his computer. The room smelled like drugs. A mixture of multiple things you could not identify & did not even want to.

“Woah, you’re the Avengers.” he slurred his words. So he was drunk as well. “Hey, I’m supposed to kill you.” he pointed at your figure & instinctively, Steve stepped in front of you. Shielding your body with his.

“You sure that’s our guy?” Sam leaned closer to you & whispered. Your shoulders shrugged & you pointed over to the desk where a name tag was proudly displayed. Seemed like he was not the smartest guy if he used the same name for his account on that website. Your heartrate slowed down because you knew you were not in danger. Not right now. Steve approached the man, coming to a halt mere inches away from him. His hand balled into a fist & after one punch in the guy’s face, he was on the floor, unconscious.

“Huh.” you breathed out. “That was almost too easy.”

“Yeah, if we forget about the website where thousands of people assign offenders every single day.” Bucky was right, of course. You stumbled across something way bigger. Hopefully Tony had good news once you returned.

The police was called. They inspected the room & that guy really was everything but intelligent. He horded a file full of his assignments. He would not see the sunlight again, that much was sure. Steve & you waited outside, leaning on the hood of the car. Sam & Bucky were busy talking to the officers.

“Hey.” you started & nudged Steve with your elbow. “Is it appropriate to thank that asshole?”

“What for? For wanting to kill you?” he answered with furrowed eyebrows.

“No.” you chuckled. “But…if it were not for him, we wouldn’t have confessed.”

“There was a possibility that he was dangerous. Maybe we just caught him at a bad time.” Steve mumbled the last part.

“Let’s not worry about that, alright? I’m fine. See?” you gestured to your body, a big smile adorning your features.

“I know.” he nodded but it was obvious that he was still careful about this entire situation.

“I love you.” that seemed to do the job. His eyes met yours, his expression less tense & softer.

“I know that, too.” he smirked when you playfully slapped his chest.

“Steve, you ruined a very roman-“ his lips were on yours before you could finish your complaint. Steve was aware what he was doing, because he smiled into the kiss which caused you to giggle.

“I love you, too.” his lips still ghosted over yours. You could feel as his words left them. “Romantic enough?”

“I’m sure you can do better.” you pulled away & winked at him, moving away to join Sam & Bucky. Steve’s eyes followed your body & he shook his head at you. Yes, he did love you. A lot. And he was already planning how to make his next move even more romantic.

Published (05/18/2021) by Cathy

✨MY Ko-fi PAGE✨

Tags: @zestyemby, @captainxholmes, @met4no1a, @bibliophilewednesday, @weareironmanbitches, @n3ssm0nique, @2bornot2b, @iaalien, @bibliophilewednesday (thanks for your support <3)

[aonogifreactions]

Hug Headcanons: Revisited

a/n: ive felt like i should rewrite this for a while now. i hated seeing those stuped ~180 words, so.. thats why were here! xD i added yukio to the mix as well, since ive gotten this ask >:) huge thanks to @no-remorse​, who beta-read it for me <33

Tiny edit: I’d love to hear the feedback for this one! <3

Warnings: Spoiler in the last headcanon in Yukio’s part!

★ Characters: Rin, Yukio, Mephisto, Lucifer, Amaimon, Astaroth.

★ Words: 2,1k.

Rin:

no matter where, who’s watching, or what had happened before, he’s gonna give you a big, big hug! he absolutely lives for your hugs, it soothes him emotionally so much and works as immediate relief.

almost always his one hand wraps around your waist, while the other one goes on your head as he nuzzles into your neck; his hugs are always tight, almost as if you were about to get taken away from him - he doesn’t really feel like that inside, but.. he likes feeling that you’re here. present. for him.

after a fight, he immediately runs into your arms and almost makes you both fall on the ground as you nearly lose your balance when his arms wrap around you; feeling your embrace, your warmness.. something in his mind switches right away and he’s calm. he’s still shaking, but it gradually stops as he relaxes in your arms.

at first, he might be a little shy, but when he gets comfortable, he can’t keep his arms away from you. He just.. loves feeling you. hugs make him somewhat vulnerable, because he lets his frustration out, and at the same time - Rin gets an extreme dose of serotonin. He tends to place his forehead on yours just before he loosens his hold on you, and eventually moves on do to his things.

depending on your height, he still loves hugging the same! if you’re short - during hugging, he also places his cheek on your head, leaving a soft kiss on your hair. if you’re tall - he loves!! hugging!! into your chest!! or whatever he reaches!! he’s just snuggling into you like a madman.

he gets butterflies in his stomach when you hug him from behind and almost starts stuttering. (do it when he's cooking or sumn,, but u didn't hear it from me) 

also, please, PLEASE wrap your arms around his neck. he’s gonna MELT.

Yukio:

his hugs are rare, but it’s not like he doesn’t touch you - it’s just Yukio being Yukio; hugs make him vulnerable, similarly to Rin, except that it’s Yukio’s way to “open up” about his problems a little. It’s surely a very small step forward, but it shows that he's trying, yet he doesn’t realize how much it actually helps him.

he prefers to hug somewhere where there are not so many people around, not necessary in private completely, but as long as you’re the only one with him in the room, he’s down for a hug if he feels like it (or you beg him enough lol).

he’s usually silent during hugging, but he really “quietly” lets his frustration out, you might even catch him sighing. at first, he embraces you with only one arm and places his head on your shoulder, but when it hits him - the emotions, that he’s been waiting for years and now he’s finally able to tell someone everything - he’s almost crying, but he intertwines his other hand with yours instead. even though there are no real words shared, his love language involuntarily shows the beauty of his complicated personality.

now, he’s a little “unwilling” to hug you, mostly because of all that emotions crashing on him, but he feels so much better afterwards.. it’s unreal, he feels like you used some kind of magical spell on him.

the worst time to hug him is probably when he’s angry - and while it seems like a totally normal thing, it doesn’t work as comfort for him - it makes him even more upset, so it’s really best to leave him alone for some time. he knows your intentions are good though, so usually, he comes back to you with a calmed mind and apologizes.

I picture his S/O being in this mess in chapter 126, where the twins just beat the shit out of each other, and suddenly Yukio’s s/o comes up to him and stops from shooting Rin - he’d have that mental wall blocking him from hurting you in any way, just when he realizes he points his guns at your face or grabbing his hands and attempting to get Rin out of his target range - both of those things and any similar scenarios would end up with him looking at you with those beautiful, yet unfortunate eyes showing so much pain and sadness, along with that broken expression on his face, hoping to understand him.

Mephisto:

we’re gonna have fun here. hugging with Mephisto is pretty common, he likes touching you physically and doesn’t really care if people see it - he’ll push boundaries as far as he can, but unless it’s someone or something really important, he stops and gets serious. 

^unless it’s Arthur, he could politely knock on the door. Hearing the permission to come in, the first thing he sees is Mephisto hugging you with a hand on your lower back, heading dangerously onto your ass while casually giving him random papers and smirking at him. wow.

if you think the twins’ grip was tight, Mephisto’s gonna literally try to squish you into his body - it’s not hugging if your bodies aren’t touching themselves in EVERY possible way. You could be practically glued to him and he won’t complain - in fact, he’s gonna have that shit-eating grin and tease you by saying “hmm, aren’t you needy, darling? you can’t be away from me even if I work!” (even if.. it was him who called you over...)

he GETS handsy and you can’t do anything about it. and he really does it on purpose, just to tease you and see how much time it takes for you to get either horny or snap at him. nonetheless, he likes to place hands around your waist or just on your hips, then shove you into him, so he’s able to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.

hugs definitely show his rather “softer” side, the silly one - but he also doesn’t hesitate to hug you when he’s serious; these hugs, however, tend to be quicker but more intimate. even if it’s just him standing next to you and placing his hand on your hip while watching the dark sky, stars flickering slightly as you feel a slight, cold breeze hit your face; you look at him, wondering what he’s thinking about, this incredibly sharp mind with hundreds, perhaps thousands of different thoughts. Is he reflecting? Reminiscing? Regretting? or is his mind wandering around some silly thoughts? Yet you’re the one left wondering, not noticing his emerald eyes have focused on yours a while ago. You take your eyes off him, slightly embarrassed, hearing only a faint chuckle and feeling his grip tightening on you as you two once again gaze at the glittering galaxy above you.

Lucifer:

due to his body being not as strong as Mephisto’s - he’s usually down for cuddling instead. however, when some of the elixirs do their job, he’s gonna give you hugs pretty often.

prefers to be in private when he really wants to give you a genuine hug; he doesn’t want to show others he fell for the trap named “love”. he lets himself be a hypocrite about it, for once (ekhem satan and yuri).

Of course, tiny hugs wouldn’t be forgotten while attending stuff anywhere else on Dominus Liminis, but they’re just quick hugs when you walk past him. he isn’t ashamed of you by any means, in fact, he’s proudly walking along with you most of the time, having a hand either on your waist or interlaced with yours.

Lucifer’s hugs are very, very confident and send butterflies to your stomach - he radiates that strong energy to make you feel secure in his arms - the world could be falling, but as long as you’re in his arms, he’ll do anything to protect you from any harm, even if this means losing his precious body.

sometimes he hugs you in his own, unique way - he interlaces both of his hands with yours and places his forehead against yours, closing his eyes and sighing softly. while you might think it’s not really a hug, it’s definitely a very sweet gesture. you can get a kiss on the temple or a few sweet and uplifting words whispered in your ear too, if he feels particularly affectionate that day.

his views on physical contact are... a little bizarre; he’s confused and doesn’t fully understand the purpose of it, yet - he will admit it’s quite satisfying. feeling your lover is definitely something that feeds the feelings he’s had deep within him. he might be a little stiff when you introduce him to this too, no matter how many times he’d seen humans do it - experiencing it for the first time is new to him, but surely it is something he grew to enjoy.

 so what’s that “hugging” thing again? you just wrap your arms around someone and.. that’s it? are you supposed to just stay like this? how long? - that’s pretty much half of his thoughts going through his head when he hugs you.

it takes him quite a long time until he “learns” it just “makes him feel better”. he understands (kinda) the idea of it, but deeper down, he’s still pretty puzzled.

In the early stages of hugging, Amaimon didn't realize how strong his hugs were - if he didn’t break any bone of yours, then it’s a miracle. As soon as he noticed you almost passing out, he stopped and the guilt of possibly causing you harm has kicked in, so he promised you to make it up the best way he can.

Amaimon doesn’t realize it - but as time passes he grew used to hugs! Especially greeting hugs, which at this point he doesn’t realize he gives  - it’s become a habit of his.

not a fan of long hugs - to say it bluntly, he becomes bored if it lasts too long (unless there’s been a fight beforehand, in this case, he understands you want to regain the sense of security that physical body is able to give). he likes quick hugs instead, which he gives more often.

Amaimon’s hugs are pretty simple - he wraps his arms around your waist and that’s.. pretty much it. He might rub your back sometimes, but to be honest - he just likes the simplicity. Funnily enough, when Behemoth notices you hugging, he also wants to participate! Tiny demon bounces your way and while it’s near your leg, he starts clinging to it and nuzzling himself (Amaimon’s kinda >:((((((( when he sees Behemoth snuggling, but it’s his boyo so he forgives him).

However, Amai gets really mad when he sees you hugging someone else than him. Unless it’s a close friend or family member, he’s.. somewhat accepting this, but if it’s someone he doesn’t know - he’ll either try to fight them or take you bridal style in his arms and just go away.

He also gets awfully handsy, which he probably picked up from Mephisto. His one hand might slowly slide down to grope your ass cheeks; when you look at his face questionably, he’s just gonna place the other hand on your ass as his answer.

Astaroth:

his understanding is even worse than Amaimon’s, so he’s initially against it. he doesn’t understand the purpose of it and it's very hard to convince him otherwise, saying something along the lines of “if you need your “physical contact” we can fuck on the counter”.

continuously asking him would only make the situation worse, as he’d get annoyed more each second, eventually making him leave the house for a few days. one situation, however, changed his mind the most - he’s once lashed out at you, leaving you crying. he left nonetheless and waited a few days until he cooled off. feeling bad for his actions and regretting doing it for once, he came back, but instead of confronting you - he left a withering rose with a note.

he’s learned a little bit from that situation - seeing that you accept his quirks, he decided to try out some of your ideas - including hugging. and oh boy, how wrong he was.

he will NOT admit he likes hugs for his life; very “tsundere” approach to it, but you can catch his face being relaxed sometimes.

his favorite hug is.. hugging you from behind! whenever you’re cooking or being busy just in general, he loves surprising you with a hug, encircling his hands around your belly as you flinch slightly, not expecting him. as an apology, he places a gentle kiss on your shoulder.

due to him being nasty, you gotta bear with his dirty-talking he’s “performing” every time he hugs you. he also WILL tease you by groping your chest with no shame, attempt to give you hickies, and after a while - move his hands dangerously near your chest.

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING. 

[imlostinsantacarla]

@daydreamerneko123​ said: Hello, I wanted to make a request for a imagine involving The Lost Boys. How would the boys react to an artist reader drawing them in secret? Due to their shyness and the fact they are just too freaking hot to confront. 🙏 Please and thank you

(a/n: hey lovely! thank you so much for requesting this, as well as for being so patient with me. it took me awhile but i finally got there. sorry that these are shorter, but i hope that you enjoy them nonetheless! - admin kat 🌙❣️)

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

The Lost Boys x Artist Reader Drawing them in Secret Headcanons:

David:

° Being the observant type, David was acutely aware about your little hobby, along with his observant tendencies, he also read your mind. He’s an incredibly smug shit about it and the entire fiasco definitely inflates his ego considerably.

° In order to mess with you, he will remain in the same position for awhile and when you look up to reference him once again, he’s got a cigarette hanging breathtakingly from the side of his simpering mouth, blonde brows raised innocently and in utter humor.

° An immediate sense of embarrassment courses through you, resulting in you dropping your sketchbook rather clumsily.

° That’s when this cobra strikes, stepping from his prized bike and coming over to pick up your sketchbook with such nimble swiftness that it leads to your head spinning wildly.

° David is such a dick about it as well, because instead of returning the sketchbook like a gentleman, he’ll thumb through to pages to find not only one sketch of him, but several!

° Oh, it’s on! He’s teasing the hell out of you until there’s no tomorrow. All in good fun though! David doesn’t want to see you cry... at least not yet.

° “You know, you’re not half bad, actually. But I think you’ll enjoy the real thing much better.”

° This fucker w i n k s afterwards, just like the suave bastard he really is.

° David will flirt with your relentlessly afterwards. You won’t escape from his smooth words and his luscious leathery touches. You’ve peaked his interest after all.

° Prior to this specific occurrence having played out, he had dropped hints that he knew but when you picked up on them, he’d act entirely oblivious, which only confused you further and entertained him profusely.

Dwayne:

° Oh, silent Dwayne with the observant eyes of a hawk! His observant qualities had seriously downgraded themselves in this instance, your form hunched over a sketchbook having gone entirely over his head. It’s safe to say that it literally took him f o r e v e r to figure this one out.

° In fact, Paul had to tell him. Paul! Which honestly indicates something rather big here. Marko and David never let Dwayne live that down. And of course, Paul got teased in the process as well.

° Ignorantly, Dwayne had always assumed you had been drawing the scenery around you. It never occurred in his head that he could ever peak enough interest in someone to become a subject of art. Bruh, has he even seen himself???

° Though now he’s a little a lot curious and he wants to approach you about it.

° So like a slinking panther, he patiently observes and waits for you to look at him, and once you do, he s m i r k s the Big Shit™ and just says nothing!

° Due to your ample amount of embarrassment, you avoid looking up at him for quite some time, though once you deem it to be safe to take a peak, he’s disappeared into thin air, though his buddies are gawking at you like savage simpering wolves.

° “Is that me? That’s pretty good.” A deep voice blossoms in your ear, cold air causing gooseflesh to speckle across your skin like wildfire.

° You have never quite screamed at such a sheer volume than you had in that very moment, my god! And Dwayne couldn’t help but laugh, the other boys cackled wildly from a distance. Though Dwayne wasn’t poking fun at you at all: Yes he found this rather amusing, but he also wasn’t sure how else to respond. But he found it adorable nonetheless.

° With your permission, he goes through your sketchbook, because he’s a Gentleman™!

° As he thumbs through your sketchbook quietly, he discovers one of Laddie and himself, which makes him grin like an idiot! He evens asks if he can keep it, and keep it he does.

Paul:

° One thing that Paul isn’t is observant. Often things like this go straight over his head, though the only reason he noticed your secret sketching sessions of him was because he was checking you out first in all honesty.

° Curiosity practically bounds through his undead veins, mixing that with the his lack of shyness... you’ve got yourself a dangerous concoction that often get’s this vampire into tons of trouble. This dangerous concoction of qualities leads to him coming over.

° How adorable, you’re attempting to hide your sketchbook from him! It’s too bad that he owns the most pesky nimble fingers in existence and snags the book right from you in a swoosh of bountiful laughter. You really stood no chance against him anyway.

° Your feeble attempts at snatching it back from Paul is Childish™, and in response to your embarrassment, Paul cannot hold himself back from holding it above his head and poking a little mean spirited fun at you. This is definitely Paul that we’re discussing here, so are you even surprised at this point?

° Paul lacks the polite boundaries that come along with normal social interactions; either that or he decides to just completely ignore them. So he goes through it right then and there, not being able to resist the urge to throw you flirty comments the entire time. Anything to see you get flustered.

° “I didn’t know I’d bagged myself such a hot fan girl!”

° “At least you got my good side!” Does he really have a good side with that bedhead?

° “Hey, you think next time you could paint me like one of those French Girls?”

° “I can get naked if you want?”

° Paul adores just how shy and flustered you become about it, it provides him with entertainment after all. He’s kind of an ass.

Marko:

° Marko is swift, so it didn’t take him that long to figure out that you were drawing him. Yes, he’s usually up to no good with his best pal Paul, but he’s got incredible brains. He had just been hanging back nonchalantly and planning on how to confront you. Lmaoo what a dork!

° His infamous Cheshire Cat grin is obviously plastered all over his countenance whilst he confronts you about this. Marko is also rather suave, he’s definitely going to flirt with you the entire time this is going down. Winks galore!

° “I’m impressed. The jacket looks like the real thing.”

° Genuine inquisitiveness is activated during the entire encounter, and honestly, Marko is quite abrupt and honest: He asks you in total candidness whether you have a crush on him or not. And even though he’s being candid, you aren’t entirely sure if he’s being serious or making fun of you, because let’s be fair, Marko is rather difficult to read, especially if you’re not close to him just yet.

° “If you did have a crush on me I wouldn’t be complaining.”

° In all honesty, this only gives him more ammunition to flirt with and tease you: Two things that he just loves to do.

° “These are amazing. I’m so glad I no longer have to see the chicken scratches Paul calls masterpieces!”

° Marko inquires a lot on whether he can keep one of your drawings because he is also a Gentleman™, though he has acute tendencies to be a little bastard. He’s friends with Paul, after all.

° As sappy as this sounds, he honestly becomes your biggest fan. The other boys rip into him about it all the time, but he doesn’t mind. You’re good at what you do and even they know it.

° “I could draw you too, but only if you go out on a date with me.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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[schoenheitslut]

BABYSITTER

note/s :: literally just porn without plot. I vastly underestimated how long this would be. It’s completely self indulgent and based on the babysitter au idea I had earlier. This is probably shit but honestly it was so fun to write now that I don’t feel embarrassed while writing smut.

desc :: mari is a babysitter for epel. after tucking epel in, she finds rook in the kitchen and offers to cook dinner for him. she realizes that her two attractive bosses feel the same way about her.

word count :: 2263

pairing :: beautywings | rookvil x mari

Mari stretched her arms as she exited Epel’s room. It took a bit of time in order to get the rowdy child to bed but she managed to tire him out enough. It was kind of a shame that she didn’t get to tell him a bedtime story like usual but Vil is very strict about the exact time he needs to be asleep. Sometimes it was a little tiring to meet his standards but it was all worth it in the end. The family paid well and Epel was a sweet child.

Her eyes landed on the man sitting in the living room. A small smile graced her lips. “Ah, I see you’re back from work, Mr. Hunt. Have you eaten dinner?” She asked him.

He shook his head, mirroring her smile. He tipped his hat to her in greeting, gazing at her like he usually did. It looked as though he was a predator stalking his prey. But as a hunter, it was just his thing, she reasoned with herself internally. He’s never done anything to harm her. In fact, he was always so charming and sweet. Mr. Schoenheit was a lucky man to have him as a husband.

“Then let me make something for you.”

Mari made her way to the kitchen in order to cook something up for the two of them, as well as Mr. Schoenheit. Hopefully she can perfect her skill in making meals the way her two employers like it, knowing how high the actor’s standards were for everything. As she placed the ingredients onto the counter, she felt a warm breath on her neck, causing her to jolt and drop the ingredients on it. His arms wrapped around her.

“M-Mr. Hunt, what are you doing—”

She was interrupted by him. “Fufu, I’ve always dreamed of getting to know you carnally on this counter. The thought of having you for dinner tonight makes me feel so excited.” He couldn’t mask the giddiness in his voice. His hands roamed her body, groping at every curve.

“Mr. Hunt, you’re married— Ah!” She moaned at him slipping his fingers through her skirt and panties and inside her warmth, massaging her insides. She felt his tongue drag across her neck and collarbone. A heat spread throughout her body from her abdomen.

“Mm, yes. You’re so wet, mon petit lapin,” he cooed as he grinded his hips against hers, pressing his hardness to her ass.

She bit her lip, trying not to be too loud. But accidentally let another moan out when he inserted another finger into her depths. A knot formed in her loins, squeezing tightly and aching for release.

“Let me hear all your beautiful noises, mon chéri. Show me how much of a whore you are,” he whispered into her ear, tickling it lightly. It caused her to gasp. For some reason, she felt her pussy twitch at his words.

But then came the sound of heels clacking against the marble floor. Her heart stopped, recognising the sound and her head whipped up to see the glacial gaze of Mr. Schoenheit piercing through her soul.

She was so fucked.

“Mr. Schoenheit, I’m so sorry—”

Vil glared at his husband. “How dare you start without me, Rook? I should punish you for your impatience.” He walked over and pushed him off of the girl.

“Wha—”

She couldn’t even get a full word in before he pulled her towards him and picked her up, carrying her bridal style to their shared room. “Don’t be so surprised, darling. I hope you really didn’t think we didn’t notice how you look at the two of us with such longing eyes.”

Her cheeks heated up, unsure how to respond to all this but she couldn’t bring herself to protest. He was right. But god, it felt embarrassing to know that they were aware of how she saw them this whole time.

The model laid her on the bed, the silk sheets were more inviting and twice as sensual on her skin. A click sounded from behind them, indicating that the door had been locked.

“Sit down.” His voice was commanding, so much so that his husband immediately sat down on the chair. He pulled his drawer and took out some brilliant red rope before expertly tying his husband in a manner that reminded the girl of shibari, such intricate and detailed patterns were so elegant that she felt unworthy of seeing Rook in such an erotic state. She rubbed her thighs together, trying to calm the rising heat between them.

He tied a blindfold over his eyes, concealing them. Then, Vil turned to her, causing her to tense up. Her breath hitched. “Strip for me. Slowly.”

Mari gulped and nodded, unbuttoning her cardigan one at a time. She took it off, revealing her bare shoulders and started to strip off her dress which left her in her underwear.

He tutted. “They’re decent, but you could do better, my dear.” He eyed her underwear, judging the way the fabric hugged her body, how the color looked against her skin tone, and other things.

“I didn’t exactly expect this to happen, sir,” she spoke, finally able to actually get a whole sentence out.

A frown pulled at his lips. His expression was one of exasperation. “We were meant to wait until I deemed you ready but Rook had gotten too excited, so now I have to punish him for that.”

Vil crossed his arms. “But before we proceed any further, I must ask if you are truly alright with this. You’re allowed to say no if you do not feel comfortable with this. Do not feel pressured by our status as your employers.” He seemed so genuine with his words, like he truly cared about how she felt. “You may go home and forget this ever happened and I can assure you that it won’t affect your job.”

She bit her lip, nodding meekly. “Yeah, I was just shocked that you guys would actually… want this. I’m still having trouble believing this is actually happening.” This felt too good to be true. The two men that she pined for had just suddenly shown that they were interested in her. She wondered if this was just a really spicy dream she was having after being sexually repressed for years. But it was really nice that Vil cared enough for her consent first.

He smirked, leaning closer. His finger hooked underher chin to make her look directly at his lilac eyes that held such lust for her.

“Then we’ll have the whole night to convince you that this is very real.”

His other hand went behind her and unhooked her bra with ease. It fell to the ground with a near silent thud. She shivered, feeling a cool breeze nip at her flesh. He took off her panties as well, dropping them so that she was completely naked.

Vil led her to where Rook was and instructed her to get on her knees in front of him. The girl unzipped his pants and was startled by his thick length springing up, leaking precum. “Place it in between your breasts,” the taller male ordered her. She obliged, leaning closer to get him between her soft mounds. Rook shivered at the contact, his cock twitched lightly.

“Now, lick the tip.”

Mari opened her mouth and circled her tongue over the head, causing the hunter to moan lightly. She then felt a pair of hands snaking down to her nether regions, rubbing circles on her clit. This caused her breath to hitch.

“Take it in your mouth and massage him,” Vil commanded her as he moved closer to her, their bodies had gotten so close that she felt his hardness against her.

She followed his orders. Rook groaned at her actions, wishing that he could see her but the blindfold prevented him from doing that. “Mon ange, please—”

The actor noticed and a mirthful smirk pulled at his glossy lips, enhancing his gorgeous features. “Begging already, are we?” He asked. “How pitiful. Usually you can last hours before you’re even pleading for release.”

“But I suppose it can’t be helped,” he continued on, “You couldn’t even wait until she was ready, and now I have to punish your impatience.”

“You’re not allowed to cum until I say so, got it?” His voice was commanding, so much so that Rook had nodded immediately.

“Keep going,” Vil whispered into the girl’s ear before he looked down at her sopping wet cunt. His fingers entered her, making her gasp around his husband’s cock. “Hm, I see Rook did one thing right. You should be wet enough.”

His hard length pressed against her ass when she continued to tease Rook, who was doing well when it came to holding back. She swirled her tongue around his tip. Looking up at him like this was a glorious sight to behold. His skin shone with sweat and his body was completely ripped. His chest heaved as he breathed. A nice red blush dusted his pale cheeks.

Mari cried out when she felt Vil’s cock enter her. The more intense vibrations around his manhood caused Rook to jolt in pain and pleasure.

Vil waited for her to adjust for a moment before moving his hips to grind against hers. The heat between her legs intensified, raging like a fire. She moaned at the sensation, feeling him hit all the right places.

The hunter wished for nothing more than to be able to see during that moment. It must’ve been quite a sight to see his cock between her soft tits while she sucked the tip as Vil pounded into her from behind. He groaned. “Roi du Poison, please… forgive me.”

Vil hummed before looking down at Mari. “What do you think, dear? Should I?” He asked her before angling his hips upward to hit her g spot.

“I think he learned his les-SON!” Mari felt herself go cross-eyed when he hit that spot within her. The knot tightening in her loins.

“Hmph, you’re certainly forgiving. But fine. As it is your first night with us, you’ll have your way,” he said. He turned to his husband. “You have our permission.”

Upon hearing those words, Rook immediately spilled his seed into her mouth, filling it with his creamy essence.

“Don’t swallow just yet. Take off his blind fold.”

Mari pulled away, tasting the thick saltiness of his cum. She leaned up to remove the blindfold from his eyes. Hunter green irises locked with milk chocolate-hued ones.

“Make him taste himself,” Vil commanded as he leaned down on her shoulder to leave a trail of kisses.

Rook’s eyes darkened with lust and hunger when she closed in on his lips. It was obvious just how eager he was when his tongue entered her wet cavern. He moaned, finding bliss in such an intimate act shared between him and the girl.

“Mon ange, my cum tastes divine on you.”

As they did this, Vil quickened his thrusts, hitting every sweet spot in the process and making her cry out. Her body felt as though it was on fire with every thrust. Her walls hugged his thick cock, tightening around it.

“Mr. Schoenheit… Mr. Hunt…” Mari gasped, breathing heavily as she pulled away from the hunter, his seed dripped onto her breasts. “It feels so good…”

Rook leaned down to lick her bud, nibbling on it lightly. “Oh, my dear slut, you’re doing so well. But please, call us by our first names.” he praised her. She bit her lip.

“Ara? You’ve tightened around me when you were called a slut.” Vil smirked. “Does that mean you want to be treated like one?”

Mari couldn’t answer as the knot tightened more and more, needing release soon.

Smack!

“Ah!”

He gave her an icy glare, slowing his thrusts to a torturous pace. “I asked you a question, whore. I expect you to answer.”

She nodded frantically, desperate for relief. “Yes! Please treat me like your cumslut. I am nothing more than a toy for your pleasure.”

He hummed, smirking. “That wasn’t so hard now, wasn’t it? And for that, you’re allowed to cum now. Remember to thank me for filling you with my seed.”

Vil started going at a brutal pace. Fast squelching noises could be heard. The room was permeated with the scent of sex.

“Ah! Yes, thank you, Vil! Thank you!” Mari cried out repeatedly as she started going cross-eyed with pleasure.

And with one final thrust to her g spot, she squealed. She saw stars in her vision as euphoric bliss engulfed her senses. The knot in her loins snapped. She felt his seed flood her cunt before he slowly pulled out, some cum dripped onto the floor.

Mari panted heavily before collapsing, then was caught by Vil. He brought her over to the bed, laying her on it. Then, he pressed a chaste kiss to her lips.

“You did well, my dear,” he praised her.

He turned around and started untying his husband’s constraints. The rope dropped to the floor.

Rook got up from the chair and approached her with a smirk. She looked up, a bit confused.

Vil turned to her. “I did say that we had the whole night to convince you after all. Don’t be so surprised.” He sat down, observing them with his lilac eyes.

“Ah, mon petit lapin, how I’ve waited to ravish you for so long.” Rook licked his lips as he neared her. “Now I can do it all night long.”

[antoxsmith]

Toxic (Part 1)

Warnings - Drama, Heartbreak

Pairings - Negan x Reader

Summary -   Negan is as possessive as could be and she thought she was ready to let him go. She was wrong.

NEGAN MASTERLIST

I am in AO3 as @antoxsmith:)

Also angry Negan is daddiest.

What do you call a man that would kill another guy out of jealousness?

Toxic.

What do you do when you’ve come too deep and you don’t know how to stop him?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Or at least, she thought so. She had tried to talk to him, leave him, cry, even compared the situation with her killing one of his wives.

But did he care?

Of course not. Negan was not one of those men who cared.

First it was Liam, the cute boy about her age that had a crush on her since he heard her play the guitar. But he never tried anything more than a friendship. At least for Negan, that as enough to send him to a suicide mission out in the woods. Three men died that night and Liam was the only one that didn’t do anything wrong.

She exploded that time, but Negan said it wasn’t intentional, that the group just needed someone to be in charge. And she believed him as the fool she was.

Then, it was Louis. He was a little bit older but not as much as Negan. Louis was a straight-up flirt, with those lovely blue eyes he had, he could’ve made her melt; but she was way too much into Negan to even notice. Then, one night he disappeared. She found out he was sent to one of the other communities and not long later, news came about his passing mysteriously.

“What the fuck, Negan?” were the words she said when she walked into his office, leaving a letter with a punch on the desk. It had been written by Louis, and it said that he was ‘scared for his life’ and that ‘he saw a man following him all over the compound’, sent just days before he was killed.

“Why do you care so much?” he asked, his hands over his chest with his fingers intertwined, only looking at the letter for a half a second before realizing what it was. He looked up at her as if he was trying to read her thoughts, and of course, with jealousness.

“Don’t change the subject!” she raised her voice. “Was this you?” she asked without leaving his eyes, still leaning over the desk.

Negan just sighed slowly and held his gaze on hers. “Why…” he stood up. “… do you care…” he walked around the desk without leaving her eyes, closing the distance between them. “… so much!?” he raised his voice at the end making her flinch.

“He was my friend” she said now looking down, his voice reminding her who she was talking to. She couldn’t stand up to him, not yet.

Negan kept looking at her with a serious gaze, but after a second he smiled cockily as always. His left hand went up to her chin and made her look at him. “Do I need to remind you who is in charge here, honey?” he asked softly, tilting his head.

She swallowed hard, with fear. She just moved her head no.

“That’s so good, really good” he said without letting go of her skin. “Now, sweet cheeks, I am going to answer your question even though I shouldn’t have to” he said before being quiet a few seconds, his tongue playing with his front teeth seductively. “I didn’t do it” he said, then let go of her chin, a dark look in his eyes as he invaded her personal space.

The next time there was no way he could deny it. She heard him. She heard him telling Simon to ‘kill that mother fucker in his sleep’, and that was how she found her friend Javaad dead the next morning. She didn’t say anything. About it or… to him. She literally didn’t talk to him for days. Then she went out on a run with Simon trying to avoid him, but…

“Why are you stopping? We have to take advantage of the light!” she said, coming from the back of the RV and leaving the guns she was cleaning.

“Negan said he didn’t give you no permission to go out” Simon said simply as he turned around the RV going back to the sanctuary.

“What? No! Wait, we have to go there I know there’s something in that gas station!” She said feeling anxious not wanting to go back to Negan.

“I am going. Later” he said, only looking at her for a second before turning back to the road. “You shouldn’t try to run from him,” Simon advised.

And yeah, she shouldn’t have tried.

As soon as she had arrived at The Sanctuary, Negan had called her into his office. When she entered the room, Sherry was there and Negan was kissing her neck.

She looked down to the ground when she saw that little scene, and coughed trying to get his attention. He looked up, but didn’t stop till he wanted to, his lips on Sherry’s skin for some more time. Then sent Sherry away after whispering something to her.

“Close the door.” was the only thing he said. She obeyed.

He was sitting there with Lucille right in front of him on the desk. She just stayed there then, standing like a fearful idiot that couldn’t even look at him in the eye.

“What the fuck is it about you that you are trying to drive me nuts?” he asked like he was so full of her shit.

“Me?” she asked confused and angry, looking up to him. “You are the one killing everyone close to me” she said with sad eyes.

“I am no-“

“I heard you the other night when you sent them to kill Javaad.” She stopped his lie. “Don’t deny it, please.”

Negan looked angrier now. He moved one finger signaling for her to come closer. And again, she obeyed. She walked around the desk and stopped next to him, looking down to the floor with sadness.

“He was trying to get with you.” was his only justification. She felt her blood boiling in angriness. “Just as Louis and Liam.” He said looking at her.

“What!?” she asked when she heard that. “But you said you didn’t!” she yelled, disappointed. Negan furrowed his eyebrows and stood up, rising in front of her and making her feel little.

“What was that again?” he asked with his hand on his earlobe in a sarcastic move. “Thought I heard you yell something” he said sarcastically.

She put her hands over her face. “Why would you do this to me?”

“To you!?” he raised his voice. “Well fuckity fuck I was right. Those fuckers were too important if it hurt you so bad” he raised his eyebrows.

“What?” she asked truly confused. “What the fuck, Negan?” she raised her voice too, looking up to him. That was the first time she ever talked back to him like that and he looked truly surprised. “I didn’t do anything with them and I wouldn’t because… because…!” she couldn’t say it. She moved her head no and ran her fingers through her hair, turning around.

“Because?” he asked with his sarcastic tone, leaning on the desk, as if he didn’t care but oh, he did. She had never yelled at him like that and it concerned him, but he couldn’t understand why she was so angry.

She turned to see him; her eyes full of tears. “I want out.” She finally said, her hands in fists trying not to lose it. She felt as if she was responsible for her three dead friends.

“You want- What!?” he asked as if he was afraid of something. But she didn’t even notice. She was already walking towards the door.

Negan was way faster. He put his much larger hand over the door right in front of her face making her close it strongly, and turned her around by holding her forearm with far more strength than he intended to.

“You can’t” he said leaning in towards her.

She looked at him with a comical look. “Where is the ‘you are free to go anytime you want’?” she raised one eyebrow as she cleaned up her tears. He didn’t answer and with that silence, she tried to open the door again but he didn’t let her.

“What the fuck Negan!?” she asked now getting anxious.

“You are not going anywhere,” he said in a calm tone that only did hide a tremendous amount of angriness. And she could see it in his eyes.

“I said I want o- “

She shut up when he hit the door behind her with his fist, getting scared.

“There’s no ‘out’ of this!” he snapped.

“Look, I don’t know what’s wrong with you right now but- “

“You did this! You can’t blame me over it!”

She opened her mouth when she heard that, truly surprised. “I didn’t d- “

“That fucking Louis was always trying to get into your panties and you played the fool! Am I supposed to let that slip!?”

“Wha- “

“And then Jawad or whatever the fuck is his name gave you flowers right in front of everyone in the garden!” he claimed as if he was in his right. “Fuck!” he screamed this time, hitting the door again and now truly scaring her to the point she covered her head thinking he would hit her. That was when he snapped back to reality. “No, no, sweet cheeks I wasn’t…” he put one of his hands over hers making her gasp and flinch.

“Please just let me out. We can talk later.” She said as if she was a robot.

He sighed softly, then nodded. “Go” he simply said, turning around, almost embarrassed even though she was too scared to notice. She quickly ran out of there and went to her room. “What the hell was that?” she asked to herself once there, her chest going quickly up and down. She was genuinely scared, confused, surprised and weirdly excited. Negan had never acted like that with her.

Maybe it was solely because she knew… things. Maybe it was because he had confessed to her a lot of shit about his past. Maybe he was just… as confused as she was.

“What the fuck?” he asked to himself once alone in his office.

But the fact that she left him with his thoughts was not a good thing. He started convincing himself that nothing about her was that special. And in the end, he was sure about it. So, the next day, when he called her into his office again, it wasn’t for what you could call an explanation.

“Come here” he simply said, patting his lap, after looking at her standing in front of the desk for what felt like an eternity in complete, dead silence.

She looked confused but she moved, looking at his eyes as she did. Once she was next to him, she stopped and sighed.

“Negan, I don’t think I- “

“I didn’t ask.” He cut her off in a serious tone.

She bit the inside of her mouth and obeyed. Softly, she sat on his lap trying not to feel like a toy. Before, she used to like it a lot; for him to tell her what to do. She thought it was sexy somehow. But in these circumstances?

He put his arms on her hips, the difference of sizes very obvious.

She looked up to him, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“What?” he asked.

“I don’t know” she shrugged as if she was a kid.

He caressed her thighs softly still looking into her eyes as if he was trying to read something in them. “Are you leaving?”

She looked confused. “I… guess so” she nodded, looking as if she was dying for him to just say something else, to not let her go. She looked down then, playing with his jacket’s zipper. He didn’t look surprised.

“Then there’s a spot for you in The Hilltop.” He simply answered. “We will need your room clean by tomorrow morning. There’s someone else coming for your spot” he didn’t remove the hands on her hips.

“My spot’?” she asked confused. “I-I thought- “

“Yeah. There’s not another room available for her and since you are so eager to go then it’s what you would call perfect timing, doll” he explained as if he didn’t care.

She felt her heart break right there.

“Just like that?” she asked, her voice breaking.

“Yes” he said coldly but his looks said otherwise, still studying her face.

“So, all of this…” she stood up not caring about his hands trying to pull her down again, and forced her way up. “For nothing?” she asked, eyes now full of tears.

“All of what?” he asked oblivious looking up to her from his seat, raising one of his eyebrows.

She just moved her head no. “Just- Just… Just get away from me” she said and ran out of the room not wanting for him to see her cry.

He stayed there, looking at the door and suddenly, he felt like he hadn’t in years.

Like shit.

Part 2 HERE

[inspired-by-the-music]

For You: 4 O’Clock

Taglist: @jineunwootrash​ @jamies-kpop-reactions​

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Chapter 11: The Name I Loved

Lei’s POV

“You know, Lei,” Lucas grumbled from his place in my closet, “there was a time in our lives when everything you owned was black!”

He stepped out to face me and Grandma. We were sitting on my bed and discussing— of all things— Taemin, who she agreed was the most beautiful person in the world after attending the Atlanta concert. Lucas looked so sad, eyes hooded and lips drawn into a tight frown, that I still couldn’t roll my eyes at his insistence to dress us both as if Mom’s annual Christmas party were a funeral. 

Unable to scold Lucas for interrupting just as she was about to ask, winking, if Taemin and I were ‘friends’ off-stage, Grandma took in his appearance. Already dressed in his all-black suit, Lucas stared down at his shiny black shoes as Grandma delicately asked, “Why are you wearing black to a Christmas party anyway, sweetie?”

Given my general lack of support for Ten’s suggested dress code, I didn’t consider myself the best spokesperson. Lucas seemed to glance at me for permission to speak, so I just nodded my head and fixed my gaze on a hanging poster of Donghae. 

I couldn’t take it down, and yet I couldn’t live comfortably with it staring at me like that. Donghae’s picture smiled so warmly that you could never guess that he carried the weight of rejection for over a decade. Is it okay for a picture to lie like that? Or was that smile genuine? 

All I could wonder was whether Donghae would bring me another strawberry milkshake the next time I was at the studio. All I could wonder was whether those days were behind us— if I had appreciated them enough to be able to let them go without regret— as Lucas replied, “We’re in mourning.”

Lucas’s tone was so hollow, Grandma faced me with deepened concern, patting my knee to offer some comfort. 

“Everything will be okay, Grandma.” I believed it because I had to. I believed it because I couldn’t stomach how Grandma was looking at me (like she had in her dining room). “My group members found out about Mom and Donghae, so they’re wearing black to express how sad it is that they’re not together.”

While Grandma blinked, eyebrows gathering together, and Lucas disappeared into my closet again, I repeated something that Kyungsoo said when I confided in him under Christmas lights. “For some people—” I thought of Lucas and Mark— “this is kind of like their first heartbreak, even if it isn’t really theirs. This demonstration may seem a little goofy to us, but—”

Maybe Mom and Donghae represented a fate that sort of awaited all of us as idols. Maybe the others were mourning what we already knew, what we didn’t like to acknowledge: we couldn’t love out loud. Many of our loves were worse than unrequited; they were unexpressed or unexplored because— how can you fall in love when someone’s always watching?

Maybe the others found their reflection in Mom and Donghae. Maybe that’s what empathy is. 

I guess Grandma didn’t need me to explain that. Before I could even try, she was running to the door, saying, “I guess I better go change then!” I was a little disappointed; I liked Grandma’s and Yesung’s tradition of wearing ugly Christmas sweaters. 

Perhaps feeling victorious at having gathered another person to his cause, Lucas emerged from my closet wearing a broad smile. I couldn’t be relieved to see his joyful expression because my eyes fell on the dress he was carrying. 

It wasn’t black. It was red. The dress I wore to Donghae’s party. 

“Lucas!” My breath caught in my throat as I sat, uncomfortably uptight, on the edge of my bed. “We have to burn that shit! It has bad juju!”

That was what I had been wearing the last time I saw Donghae— “maybe ever!” the dramatic voice in the back of my mind, which sounded too much like Lucas, screamed. That’s what I had been wearing when Donghae forced his way past Heechul into the house to confront Mom. That’s what I had been wearing when I ran up the stairs, away from their argument. That’s what I had been wearing when Mom yelled the world-reforming truth that she was the idol who never debuted. 

I didn’t want to know what terrible fate would befall the Christmas party if I wore that cursed dress.

But Lucas shook his head and argued, “This is what you wore when you found Taemin in your garden!”

Although I must have thought this once, twice, or every night on tour when I fell asleep in his arms, I was winded by the realization that what I considered the worst night of my life doubled as the beginning of a beautiful chapter: the time when Taemin and I were in love. 

So I wore that red dress. Not because Lucas thought it would bring Mom and Donghae together the way it brought me and Taemin together. Not because Lucas reasoned with a smirk, “You looked hot in this! And nobody really got to appreciate it because you left Donghae’s party early!” But because I wanted to see if it still fit. 

I don’t mean that literally. I hadn’t drastically gained weight during those two months of touring in America or anything. I just felt so different than I had been the last time I wore that dress. Wearing it again seemed like a good way to measure my growth. 

When I looked in the mirror, though, I didn’t look all that different. My hair was still short. Lucas had gone with me to get it trimmed before meeting Kyungsoo at the Mall. My eyes were still as wide and childlike as they had been when I debuted. My cheeks— almost permanently full and rosy— still gave me the appearance of someone wandering between childhood and adulthood. 

But there was no longer anything forced in my smile, painted with ruby lipstick. My hands were not balled into resigned fists pinned at my sides. I was not at all anxious about having people from work— the members of SuperM— in my home for a party as I had been every year prior. I was different, even if I couldn’t see it. 

I wasn’t willing to look back on the past 21 years of my life and decide that I had never known happiness. There was something in me that refused to attribute this warmth in my chest— this total internal transformation— to Taemin. Maybe I was afraid that by doing so, I would give him the power to take that warmth away with him if ever he left my side. 

No. I wasn’t afraid of Taemin. I wasn’t afraid of the rising sun. It was impossible to deny that the seeds of self-discovery and self-love had been planted the night of Donghae’s party. They had been planted that night I watched the moon in the garden. I just didn’t know who was more responsible for changing me— Mom by giving me the truth or Taemin by giving me his love. 

But I don’t know that it really matters. What matters is that there was no room in my heart to mourn what could have been. Maybe this made me selfish (or maybe it didn’t), but I was too happy with what was to despair on behalf of Mom and Donghae. 

I let my guard down— no, I allowed Taemin to break my guard down, and he did it carefully and quickly and painlessly— and maybe that’s why I was so hurt by what happened at the party. Then again, maybe I would have been hurt even with all of my defenses in place. Who knows? 

Super Junior was a constant in my life, and they proved it by attending the Christmas party yearly.  When I descended the staircase, I smiled at the fact that the first floor of my home was filled mostly by chaotic uncles who would drop everything to try to make me laugh. 

In the kitchen, Shindong and Leeteuk were constructing a gingerbread village. Although their only audience was Lucas and Mark— wearing their black suits— Leeteuk narrated every action as if he were starring in an international broadcast. 

Yesung, Kyuhyun, and Siwon monopolized the karaoke machine in the living room. They performed for Ten and Taeyong, who sat on opposite ends of a couch. Ten must have been angry because Taeyong wore a glittering red jacket that distracted from SuperM’s public mourning. 

As usual, Heechul was late. I’m not sure whether I was supposed to hope Donghae and Eunhyuk would arrive with him, but I held that hope quietly in the corner of my mind.

I hadn’t found Mom, Taemin, Kai, or Baekhyun before Siwon abandoned his duet with Kyuhyun— a comedic rendition of “Baby It’s Cold Outside”—  to chase me. Longer than Lucas, Siwon lived to ruin my hair. 

“Merry Christmas!” Siwon cheered in my ear before Kyuhyun and Yesung screamed for him to return to the living room. 

As soon as Siwon turned away, I ran to hide in the corner of the dining room with Ryeowook (Wookie) and Grandma, who were giggling about who knows what over their fragile cups of tea. 

“Here, Lei.” Wookie beamed as he lifted the teapot— adorned with carefully painted red roses— to pour into the smallest cup, which he handed to me. My heart swelled at this familiar scene from my childhood when Wookie delicately clinked his cup against mine, winking as he extended his pinky. 

While I smiled into my drink, Wookie asked, “So how are you? Did you have the time of your life in America?”

“Yeah,” Grandma chimed, setting her cup onto its saucer. “Did anything fun happen in America?”

Grandma didn’t have to say anything specific to remind me of her earlier fascination with Taemin. She only wiggled her eyebrows, and I laughed so hard that tea shot out of my nose, leaving my face burning with each breath long after I put the cup down on the table. 

Surprised, confused, and amused by my onslaught of giggles and Grandma’s all-knowing chuckles, Wookie’s gaze flickered between us. He smiled politely. “I’ll go get napkins.”

But before Wookie could stand, Grandma shook her head. “No need.” 

There was most certainly a need, I wanted to argue as the warm beverage trailed down my chin. I bit my tongue, however, when (after following Grandma’s gaze) I saw that Taemin was filling the doorway bridging the dining room to the kitchen. 

I don’t know if I was more embarrassed by the fact that Taemin had apparently watched me snort tea or how goofily he danced over to me as Siwon’s and Kyuhyun’s duet started from the top. My heart fluttered so violently at the first sight of Taemin since returning home that I could barely stand looking at him. Still, I definitely couldn’t stand looking away. 

After gratefully accepting a napkin to wipe my face, careful not to smear my makeup, I couldn’t stop staring at Taemin. Admiring him. Trying to commit every detail of him to memory. Like the other members of SuperM, most of Taemin’s attire was black except for his festive red suspenders and matching tie. 

“Look!” Taemin giggled and leaned over my chair to drape his tie over the sleeve of my dress. “We match!”

As if we were back in one of our rooms in America, as if Grandma and Wookie weren’t watching us (after sharing a glance and taking long sips of tea)— Taemin pursed his lips and ran his thumb over my earring, a simple silver moon. “This is pretty.”

Blushing at the sensation of his breath against my skin, I mumbled, “I’m glad you think so.”

Was it really okay for him to be so close to me? We were among family— or at least I was— but I felt more embarrassed than I imagined I might have felt in a room full of strangers. All those years, I liked to remind people that I wasn’t a child; yet, I shrank at the thought of Wookie or Grandma or anybody else that I had known since youth seeing me as an adult. 

Before Taemin could show me any more affection and darken my blush, Yesung walked in from the living room, arms outstretched and expecting a hug. Perhaps flinching away from Taemin, I ran to greet Yesung, smiling. 

“Merry Christmas, Yesung! Have I ever told you that you’re my favorite?” 

“Only every day since we met!” Yesung smiled and patted my arm. He had always been receptive to that kind of praise. 

When I turned toward the table, not quite ready to return to my seat, Taemin had already settled into it. Maybe he had already introduced himself to Grandma. 

Yesung was asking if I remembered how I used to fight with other Super Junior members if they so much as looked at him the wrong way— as if I wouldn’t still throw punches on his behalf— when Grandma reached across the table to run her fingers along the ribbon tied to Taemin’s wrist. The sky blue didn’t quite match his red and black ensemble, so it stood out more than ever. 

Ever the charmer, Taemin placed his hand over Grandma’s and gave her a dazzling smile. With their eyes, they shared a conversation that I couldn’t quite understand until Taemin chirped, “It was a gift.”

My heart swelled with affection when Taemin met my eyes. I don’t know what I would have done— maybe I would have exploded from joy— had Yesung not distracted me by saying, “I got you the best present, Lei! Why don’t you go get it from under the tree?”

Wookie encouraged, “Go get my gift too, Lei!”

Wookie could have deceived me with his smile, but I gathered from how Yesung fixed narrowed eyes on Taemin that they caught on to our relationship. Whatever they had to say to him (probably the same speech they gave Lucas years ago when we first met) couldn’t have been said in front of me. 

I knew better than to try (and fail) to talk Yesung out of protective mode, so I nodded and obediently walked to the Christmas tree where I found Baekhyun plucking candy canes from the branches. 

“Oh!” He smiled brightly, the lights reflecting in his eyes. “Is it time for presents already?”

“Baekhyun!” Taking his suddenly black tresses between my fingers, I cried, “What did you do to your hair?” I shouldn’t have been shocked. We changed our hair all the time. 

“You don’t like it?” Baekhyun pouted and plucked a candy cane from his mouth. “Well, I guess I can’t do everything to impress you, Lei. This is a part of my mourning exercises.” 

Before I could respond, Baekhyun offered me one of his candy canes. “Here. I’ll give you your real gift when Sehun gets here.” 

“Sehun?” My heart dropped. I opened my mouth to complain that I didn’t want Sehun to come or, at least, to ask why he would show up without an invitation, but a knock sounded at the door. 

Baekhyun advised, turning back to the tree as he stuffed the peppermint back into his mouth, “You probably wanna get that, hm?”

Beyond words, I was grateful to Baekhyun for warning me of what I would find behind the door: Oh Sehun wearing an all-black suit and carrying two presents. It was probably a little rude to greet him with the question, “What are you doing here?” but I couldn’t keep the words from falling out of my mouth. 

Sehun rolled his eyes. “Merry Christmas to you too.”

 Our unity against Baekhyun had dissolved. Leaning against the door frame, frowning at the line that formed between Sehun’s eyebrows, I guessed I was disappointed. 

“Would you let me in, please? It’s freezing out here!”

Snowflakes were falling all around him. If he weren’t already on my nerves— if he could just smile instead of scowling— the sight would have been worthy of a photograph. 

Realizing that I wouldn’t stand aside until he answered my question, Sehun admitted, voice a puff of white air in the winter night, “I’m here to represent Donghae and Eunhyuk, not because I want to spend Christmas arguing with you—”

Oh. So Donghae wasn’t coming after all. So this would be the first Christmas that we wouldn’t drink hot chocolate together or make a snowman family in the front yard or watch Christmas movies until I fell asleep on the couch. 

Oh. Tears gathered in my eyes, knowing that this crumbling, heart-stopping knowledge that life was different— and not only in good ways— occurred to Donghae when Mom was absent from his party. 

Oh. So that’s why Donghae had been able to justify pushing past Heechul and calling me in the middle of the night to talk to Mom. He was either trying to turn time back to the days we knew were happy or forward to the days when he and Mom could be together. It was impossible. Fruitless. But I didn’t fault him for trying. 

Trying to swallow the lump in my throat, wiping my eyes as I stood aside for Sehun to enter with his bad news, I think he tried to apologize. I’m not sure because I was too focused on Baekhyun, who appeared before me, smiling brightly with that candy cane still dangling out of his mouth and muffling his voice. 

 “Come on, Lei.” He nodded down to the gifts in his hands. “Yesung, Ryeowook, and I want you to open your presents.”

Thinking only that I had to find Mom to tell her gently that Donghae wasn’t coming (if she didn’t already know), I shook my head, but Baekhyun forced the brightly wrapped packages into my arms. He slung an arm around my shoulders and ushered me away from Sehun, into the dining room.

I was only slightly relieved that Sehun didn’t follow. 

The smiles Grandma, Taemin, Wookie, and Yesung greeted me with faltered when they noticed the look on my face. I hadn’t found my smile yet, even with Baekhyun playfully nudging me in the ribs. 

Rising from his seat with hands balled into fists, Yesung demanded, “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head and forced a smile. “Nothing—” My gaze drifted out the window— “it’s just— snow makes me cry.” 

The lie wasn’t especially convincing, but at least Yesung sat down. 

I sat only when Taemin stood, poorly masking his concern, to offer the seat he had stolen earlier. Rather than relocating to one of the many empty chairs, Taemin remained behind me, leaning against the back of my chair to watch me open the first gift Baekhyun dropped onto my lap. I kind of grinned, realizing that whatever Yesung and Wookie said hadn’t scared Taemin away. 

To me, it seemed awkward that so many people watched as I peeled back the green wrapping on Wookie’s gift, but I guess that people watching me was just business as usual. Mark and Lucas— bonding in their shared grief— walked in from the kitchen, asking,  “When was somebody gonna tell us it was time to watch Lei open presents?”

Feeling like I was trapped in a bizarre nightmare, I blinked until my eyes settled on Wookie’s gift: a beautiful blue teacup ornament. My fingers traced along the painted flower petals, cold to the touch. Wookie met my tear-filled expression with a smile that made my heart swell. Everyone— most loudly, Yesung and Baekhyun— cooed when I wiped my eyes and muttered my thanks. 

Pointing at the big box wrapped in bright red paper, Yesung instructed, “Open mine next!” Before I had even pulled out each record— one by Tiffany, one by Britney Spears, and one by the Backstreet Boys— Yesung said, “Don’t let me forget to send you the videos I got of each artist signing those and talking about how much they love your music!”

I wasn’t quite shocked because Yesung always got the best gifts, but I was beyond flattered that he had gone to such lengths to make me smile. As I beamed at Yesung, the ache in my chest caused by Donghae’s absence subsiding first with Wookie’s smile and then with Yesung’s enthusiastic thumbs up, Mark mumbled to Lucas, “Does this mean that my gift for Lei’s debut anniversary has finally been outdone?”

Lucas shrugged, grinning. “It’s hard to tell. Lei loves Jaemin—” Taemin breathed heavily behind me, and I shorted at the memory of his tantrum— “but Nick Carter, one of the Backstreet Boys, is like Lei’s ultimate pop icon crush.”

Taemin sat on the arm of my chair to admire my gifts— especially the album signed by Nick Carter— and Baekhyun yelled, “Where the hell is Sehun? I want you—” Looking at me, he chewed through the remainder of his candy cane— “to open our gift now!”

Summoned either by his name, or the dread swelling in my gut, or the rolling of my eyes, Sehun walked in from the kitchen. “Lei—” 

Sehun’s smirk faltered as his eyes fell on Taemin, whose shoulder was flush against mine.

For years, I dreamed of wiping the smirk from his face; then, once I learned how to, I tried to use my new power sparingly. That moment when Sehun forced his eyes away from Taemin to look at me, something very much like pain darkening his eyes, I squirmed at the thought that maybe he really did like me. 

Maybe it had been a game at the start. Maybe I had just been something fun to chase and tease. But to some degree, his feelings must have been sincere. Otherwise, a faint blush wouldn’t have painted his cheeks. He wouldn’t have had to swallow some lump in his throat before forcing himself to continue, “Don’t thank me too much if you like this.” 

Sehun snatched the silver-wrapped box from Baekhyun and forced it into my hands without meeting my eyes. “Baekhyun paid for half of it, so make sure you thank him too.” 

Knowing that Baekhyun and Sehun had joined forces had me on edge before this weird tension wedged between me and Sehun. I guess there had always been some tension between us; when I thought about it, I couldn’t clearly remember a moment that we had gotten along. I guess his sudden refusal or inability to look at me was just the fulfillment of years of— of whatever we were doing. 

I hated Sehun for ruining Christmas before he stood outside my door to say that Donghae wasn’t coming. I hated Sehun for staring down at the gift like that, lips tight in a frown. Except I guess I didn’t really hate him. Nobody wishes for someone they hate to just smile already. 

Taemin, still sitting on the arm of my chair, almost sitting in my lap, draped an arm around my shoulder. With a gentle smile and a nod, he reminded me to open the gift. 

It was an intricately woven mistletoe crown. A dreaded memory buried too deep, too terrible to describe— the memory some part of me relived whenever Sehun looked at me and teased me— rose to the surface of my mind and stained my face scarlet. 

I glared at Sehun, wondering why the hell he would get me something like that, but he didn’t notice. His widened eyes were fixed on the crown. He didn’t blink. Evidently, Baekhyun had been the brains behind this operation, and Sehun had only funded it. 

Again, we were united in annoyance toward Baekhyun. I wasn’t even happy about that because it had never been clearer to me that Sehun and I— whatever we were— were not friends. 

When I tore my burning eyes away from Sehun, unsure of what to say, I caught the briefest glimpse of Mom dropping something onto the kitchen counter, gasping, before running up the stairs. It always amazed me how quickly she could move in those heels without tripping over the hem of her pantsuit— this time a deep shade of green. 

This time, I was stunned by the realization that nobody had been with her in the kitchen. Everyone was either too busy singing and laughing in the living room or watching me open presents. Mom was alone. Always alone. 

Cursing Heechul for being late, I started to rise to my feet only to be immobilized by Taemin’s voice. “Oh,” he hummed into my ear as he lifted the mistletoe from its box. “It’s like a little wreath. Pretty.”

In Taemin’s hands, I thought as he admired the mistletoe, perhaps unaware that I was admiring him, it was pretty. 

Skipping over and snatching the mistletoe from Taemin to drop it onto my head unceremoniously, Baekhyun corrected, “It’s a crown!”

I’m not sure what led Sehun to try to kiss me, but I believe that Baekhyun must have instigated it because everything is a joke to them. 

One second, I was stealing indiscreet glances into the kitchen, wondering what Mom had dropped onto the counter and why it made her gasp, wondering how I would comfort her if it was related to Donghae (as I suspected) when some invisible force struck my heart and filled my eyes with tears every time I thought of him. The next, I was flinching as Lucas screamed “No!” and Sehun’s puckered lips inched closer to mine, agape in utter shock. 

Taemin yanked my chair back so quickly that I thought I was going to tumble face-first onto the hardwood floor. The room erupted into shrieks and giggles— the giggles belonging mostly to Mark and Baekhyun— as Taemin wedged his face between mine and Sehun’s. 

I don’t know why Taemin decided to intercept Sehun’s kiss when he could have just kissed me. On the one hand, I was grateful that our first kiss wouldn’t be the punchline to Baekhyun’s stupid mistletoe joke gift. Still, as I walked away, my entire being burned with annoyance— no, numb anger— that Sehun stole my first kiss.

From the kitchen, I heard Sehun’s gagging, Taemin’s goofy gasping laughter, Baekhyun’s maniacal cackling, and Yesung’s roar, “What the hell is going on around here?”

Maybe I could have found the humor in the situation had I not first found what Mom abandoned on the counter, still messy from crumbs, candy, and frosting that built Shindong’s and Leeteuk’s gingerbread village: a photograph of all of us— me, Mom, and Super Junior— shortly after Kyuhyun’s addition to the group. 

It must have been Donghae’s birthday. We all wore party hats while he wore an obnoxiously large pin that read: Birthday Boy. The picture must have been taken before Donghae’s annual confession; everyone was smiling, even Mom (who usually preferred a closed mouth half-grin). We all looked so young, especially me, wearing a ruffly blue dress, holding a teacup that matched Wookie’s, standing between Mom and Donghae, and staring at Yesung instead of whoever held the camera. 

My heart bled with the realization that we would never live in that moment again. It was in the past. And I don’t know that any of us appreciated it enough when it was our present. 

Once, I read that you only appreciate the value of a moment once it is a memory. That’s the kind of sentiment that I want to disagree with. The fear that it may be true inspired me to try to form myself into a person who seizes the day, who lives for right now, but I can’t quite do it. I can’t quite disagree with the truth. 

Let me be clear: there was never a day that I didn’t love Donghae. Never a day since he greeted me that first time with his warm smile (until those short-lived days of discomfort) that I hadn’t associated Donghae with fondness and security. Yet, I had never thought clearly or deeply about him— I hadn’t really seen him until I noticed his absence, until I felt him drifting away. 

I hate that this is the truth: I never knew how much I loved Donghae until I couldn’t call to tell him. 

It didn’t matter if he already knew. It didn’t matter that I would have gotten too shy or scared or embarrassed to tell him everything. It didn’t matter that I would always hold something back. I climbed the stairs, heavy with regret, clutching the picture frame against my chest. 

I wasn’t crying, I think, because some part of me expected to find Mom sobbing on her bed, face pressed into a pillow. The light was off, and I didn’t dare illuminate what I didn’t want to see— what I heard well enough. Stiff, silent, and awkward, I sat on the edge of the bed, tracing my fingertips along the elegant pattern on Mom’s silky pink comforter.

Of course, I knew that I couldn’t bring the photograph back to life. I knew that there was no merit in dreaming of turning back the hands of time, but I couldn’t shake the thought that if I could go back, I could lessen these present-tense pains. It didn’t make sense. 

How might things have been different had I known at age six or seven that Mom was a former trainee? Would I have looked at Donghae differently if I had known all that time that he wanted Mom to be in love with him? Had I known, would I have made all the decisions and formed all the relationships that led me to Taemin in the garden under the moonlight? 

I didn’t know. I don’t know. 

There was immense discomfort in realizing that I could never know. There was discomfort in believing, even as my mother moved to sob in my lap, that this was still the best version of the universe because this was where Taemin loved me. 

There was something bittersweet in accepting that even if this wasn’t the best timeline, even if this wasn’t the best reality, we couldn’t choose where we were born. I hadn’t chosen for life to be this way. There was nothing I could do to change our circumstances; we would have to learn to be happy because of or despite them. 

Mom said, “I understand that he—” I understood ‘he’ to mean Donghae— “doesn’t want to see me anymore. Outside of work, that’s his right.” Sitting upright, Mom revealed a small handwritten note in her palm. “But did he really have to send Sehun over here with that picture I gave him for his birthday and this note?”

Initially, my eyes fixated on the red thread bracelet on her wrist, trailing down closer to her elbow. I had never seen it (or anything like it) before. Swallowing the desire to ask where she had gotten the bracelet, I took the note and squinted to read the scrawled writing in the dark. 

It’s cruelty was simple. “Choose.”

My brow quivered. Choose what? To be with Donghae or not to be? It seemed to me that Mom made her choice. Regardless of some unspoken attraction to Donghae, she had chosen for fifteen years not to pursue that relationship. 

Maybe I just didn’t understand what might compel someone to beg for love, but I thought that at this point, Donghae was prolonging everyone’s misery. Maybe he just couldn’t imagine how difficult it was for Mom to reject him. Maybe the line between sorrow and anger, for me, had become too blurred in the recent chaos. 

I was overwhelmed by empathy for Donghae and for Mom. While I couldn’t divorce what I felt for one from what I felt for the other, I would have exploded from acknowledging both at the same time. Maybe because she was the one I understood better, maybe because she was the one crying before me, maybe because she had been with me longer, or maybe just because she was my Mom, the protective rage I felt on her behalf in that moment overshadowed every other emotion I had experienced in my entire life. 

I would have had to leave even if she hadn’t calmly instructed, “Go back to the party, Lei. Go have fun with your friends.” Maybe it’s selfish that I couldn’t work through my discomfort to be with her, but I couldn’t stand Mom’s tears. 

Even with her permission, I couldn’t quite move. I couldn’t quite leave her until she laid back on her pillow and added, “I just need some time alone to collect myself. I’ll be down soon.” 

Spurred by her encouragement, I left Mom’s room, but I didn’t return to the party. Clenching that stupid note in my fist, crinkling the lettering beyond recognition, and carrying the picture frame down at my side, I stormed into my bedroom. 

With little consideration of the fact that glass breaks, I slammed the picture face down onto the vanity that once housed the ribbon now donned on Taemin’s wrist. It’s only though some miracle that the metal frame didn’t shatter the mirror. 

The glass from the picture frame littered the vanity, crystallized around the vase of flowers Taemin gave me for my debut anniversary (where I had also placed his wilting rose from the garden), spilled onto the pale hardwood floor. I couldn’t even care because all I saw was Donghae’s smiling poster. All I knew was that I couldn’t have that anymore, couldn’t look at it anymore, couldn’t let it look at me for another second. 

A part of me that wasn’t satisfied with having destroyed only the picture frame wanted to rip the poster straight down the middle. It was only the tiniest fragment of my mind, but it was so loud that I—

I almost couldn’t hear that most of me sobbed at having shattered something so fragile and precious in a fit of rage, no matter how justified. Most of me wanted to run back to the vanity and try in vain to fit the pieces of glass back together, knowing well that it would never work— the frame would never be whole again, and I would only stain the photograph red with my blood. I just wanted to try to fix it because nobody wants to believe that they have broken something beyond repair. 

I didn’t race to the vanity, though. Trying (and failing) to steady my trembling hands, I plucked from the sky-blue painted walls each pin supporting Donghae’s poster. Although I let the pins hit the floor, I caught the poster in my arms just as Taemin filled the doorway behind me and asked, “Why are you taking Donghae’s poster down?”

It wasn’t the first time Taemin saw me cry. Objectively, that night wasn’t any worse than the night in the garden. This time, I wasn’t falling apart. Maybe you can’t fall apart once you know who you are. 

When Taemin walked into my room and sat on my bed, looking at me with concern that more closely resembled the curiosity he always reserved for me, I couldn’t quite meet his eyes. 

Holding the poster out to him because I didn’t know what to do with it anymore, I explained that it was my first Christmas without Donghae, who returned an old photograph of us with that note I left crumbled on my vanity. 

I mumbled, covering my eyes with my hands, “It just hurts to look at him. I don’t want to think about these painful things while looking at him. I don’t want—”

Through my shallow sobs, I couldn't explain that I didn't want the actions of Donghae today to define the Donghae of yesterday, of every day past. Maybe I didn’t know the words to describe my fear that these feelings of rage, bewilderment, and the all-encompassing sense of having been abandoned by another father would permanently taint what I hoped beyond all hopes could be salvaged. 

After folding the poster and laying it gently against my pillow, Taemin crossed the distance between us, enveloped me in his arms, and promised again and again— until the words almost lost all meaning— “It will be okay. Everything will be okay.” 

I wanted to believe Taemin and feel content to stay in his arms, but I had to do something with the rage bubbling in my gut. I couldn’t express that I was tired of waiting for the day when everything would feel okay. Apologizing, I untangled myself from his arms and barreled down the stairs into the party that was as jovial as it had been when Mom first left to mend her own broken heart. 

The goal had been to find Lucas. Feeling better always started with Lucas. 

The problem was that I found Sehun first, back pressed to the wall separating the dining room from the living room. 

My intentions hadn’t been confrontational or argumentative at first. Figuring that Sehun already knew about Donghae’s gifts as the person who brought them, I thought it was convenient that I wouldn’t have to explain much of the story. Besides, if my temper got the best of me, I didn’t mind having Sehun as a witness; I didn’t care what he thought of me. 

Maybe I believed that a tantrum wouldn’t hurt him. Maybe, at least in that moment, I didn’t care if I hurt him because— I acknowledged, glare hardening  as he looked at me— Sehun helped hurt Mom. 

Quietly, hoping not to attract attention, I said, “I need to talk to you.” 

Sehun blinked at me. If he saw that I was upset and had any desire to comfort me, he didn’t act like it. Crossing his arms over his chest, he mumbled, “What’s wrong with you? Can’t find your boyfriend?”

My face burned. “I don’t have time for your games.” Aware that people— namely, Baekhyun, from his place on the couch— were watching us, purely wanting to take the conversation somewhere a little more private, I grabbed around Sehun’s black tie and pulled him out the front door. 

The comfort provided by his lack of protest was short lived. The moment I closed the door, shutting us out in the cold nighttime snowfall on the front porch, Sehun tsked, “Your boyfriend really isn’t gonna like that, Lei. You’re a little new to love, so I’ll give you a tip: Don’t grab other guys by the tie.” 

I rolled my eyes as Sehun straightened his tie, and, although it was none of his business, I argued, “Taemin is not—”

“Ah,” Sehun wagged a mocking ginger, “I never said a name. You did. So there is something going on there. God—” he shouted at the sky so loudly that anyone in the house could have heard— “I thought you would only look at me like that!”

I gasped at Sehun’s allegation that I had ever felt anything toward him that compared to my love for Taemin.

Maybe— maybe if you promise never to tell anyone, I’ll admit that once upon a time, Sehun made my heart flutter in a way that didn’t make me want to slap him across the face. Maybe I’ll admit in a quiet whisper that over years, he had broken my heart little by little until the Christmas party two years ago when he shattered every illusion I ever harbored about him and dating and boys in general under the stupid mistletoe in a corner of my mother’s house. 

Sometimes, I almost convinced myself that Sehun never meant to hurt me. That almost helped me look at him. Often, I tried to believe that the Sehun under the mistletoe wasn’t the Sehun before me, but Sehun (present-tense) was raising his eyebrows, provoking me further on a night when I needed nothing other than a friend. Sehun then was the same person who hurt me on Christmas with little effort. 

At once crumbling under the weight of the mistletoe crown I had forgotten was on my head, I snatched it off, eyes watering at the sharp pain of it yanking at my hair. Tossing the crown onto the rocking chair in the corner of the porch, I wondered what good I imagined would come from leaving sweet, loving Taemin in my bedroom. 

I wondered what good I imagined would come from talking to Sehun, who remarked, “I guess you’ve really grown up then, huh?” 

His smirk annoyed me. “I wish you would,” I muttered, unable to look at him for more than a second at a time. “Really, I wish you hadn’t even come.” 

It wasn’t fair. I dragged him outside. What did I expect him to say or do to make things better? What right did I have to lose my temper when I should have known he would do little other than tease me? Stupid. I never should have left my room. 

Reaching out for my arm, Sehun argued, “You don’t mean that. You love seeing—”

His touch ignited my anger, temporarily numbing my sympathy for him. Wrenching my arm out of his grasp, I tried to burn Sehun with my gaze. “No, I don’t.” He shrank back, furrowed his brow, and I swallowed my remorse to bark, “It’s one thing to tease me. I don’t like it, but I don’t really expect much else from you. One day, I won’t give a shit what you say. And until then— well— I guess I’ve never been able to stay mad even though you make a fool of me again and again. But I will never forgive you for what you’ve done today.”

When I turned away and reached for the frozen doorknob, wincing as its chill bit through my fingertips, Sehun grabbed me again. He spun me around and lowered his face so it was level with mine, so I couldn’t look away as he asked, “What is wrong with you?”

For a second, or maybe less, I thought he was being serious until he continued, “Are you mad because your boyfriend kissed me? I didn’t ask him to or anything, so—”

“Is everything a joke to you?” There were no traces of humor in Sehun’s features, but I asked anyway. “Why the hell would I care if Taemin kisses you?”

Sighing as I swatted his hands away, Sehun shrugged and stuffed his hands into his pants’ pockets. “I don’t know. You shouldn’t be upset. You were a much better—”

“You’re a real jerk, you know that?” Too furious to stomach looking at him, yet too furious to look away, I stared right into Sehun’s eyes, repulsed by his poorly stifled chuckle as I challenged, “It’s not enough that you ruined Mom’s night, so now you’re bringing up how you ruined my Christmas a couple years ago?”

Sehun stuttered, “I— I ruined—” He coughed. “What’s wrong with your mom?” Genuine concern flickered through Sehun’s eyes before he claimed, “I didn’t do anything to—”

“Oh, no, you just delivered the cruelest gift on Donghae’s behalf, right? Because you can’t resist the opportunity to make me miserable—”

“You’re right!” Sehun’s face flushed red. “My entire world revolves around you! I only came here tonight because I wanted to see you! God only knows why when you always treat me like dirt under your shoes.”

Of course I didn’t quite believe him, but Sehun never looked like a liar. He never sounded like a liar. There was some part of me that had existed for years that always wanted to believe him. 

Dropping his hold on me, Sehun huffed, “Maybe if I’d known that Taemin would be hanging all over you like a lovesick puppy or some shit—”

I spoke through my teeth. “Stop talking about Taemin.” 

Sehun cut his eyes from me and ran a rough hand through his hair. “Whatever. Keep denying that there’s something going on with him—”

“What do you want from me, Sehun?”

Did he want me to tell him about the ribbon and the night and the garden and all the nights on tour? Too bad. I would never trust him with anything so fragile and precious and dear to my heart. It was mine, and he couldn’t have it. I would never let him have it. 

Sehun returned the question to me. “What do you want from me, Lei? Do you want me to apologize for kissing you two years ago? Because I won’t. Should I say that I’m sorry for giving your mom gifts from my friend when I didn’t even know what they were?”

I opened my mouth to say that I wasn’t very interested in hearing what he had to say, but Sehun spoke instead. “Without even telling you, I’ve done so much for you. I’ve carried and guarded so many secrets for you, and you just— I don’t expect you to thank me, but would it kill you to just—”

When Sehun stopped abruptly, I followed his gaze to find that Baekhyun had drawn the blinds to watch us through the window from his place on the couch. Our eyes met. Baekhyun looked away first. 

“Whatever,” Sehun grumbled. 

Before I could think of anything to say, before I could embrace or deny the burning urge to apologize, Heechul brushed by me to walk inside, I assumed, to find and comfort Mom. I would have followed Heechul inside to escape the fight that had gone too far even if Sehun hadn’t started the walk to his car first. 

Sehun must have taken the mistletoe crown with him; it wasn’t on the rocking chair when I searched for it in the dark. 

Lucas wrapped me in a bone crushing hug as soon as I walked in from the late night chill. He only released me when I promised, “I’m okay. I’m fine. I just really want to talk to Taemin.” Although Lucas could have teased me, he only nodded and nudged me toward the stairs. 

Baekhyun, the only person I thought knew about my argument with Sehun, didn’t say anything. He didn’t even glance up at me from the popcorn garland (that I made with Lucas that morning) that he was eating one piece at a time. If I imagined that Baekhyun could be sad, that’s what I imagined he would look like: eyes downcast, lips puckered into a boyish little pout, cheeks flushed. Had I been well enough to talk, I would have asked what was wrong. 

At the base of the stairs, where Kai and Wookie excitedly discussed their favorite holiday songs, I discarded my red heels. Before either of them— or any of the others at the still thriving party— could notice me, I dashed up to my room, shoes in hand. 

I don’t know how I knew that I would find Taemin there, sweeping the glass shards around the vanity into a small trash bin. Still standing by the door after I closed it with a soft click, after dropping my shoes onto the floor, I eagerly broke the silence. “I’m sorry I left you here to clean my mess.”

Glancing at the cleaned and reorganized vanity, I saw that he left the folded Donghae poster under the photograph on the same corner where the ribbon had once been. I could only hope that their color wouldn’t fade, that they wouldn’t collect dust for long. 

Taemin lightly kicked the bin under the vanity and walked to me. In both warm hands, he cupped my cheeks, and it wasn’t until I looked into his eyes— kind and comforting and sparkling although the only light in my room was the moon’s rays flooding in through the window behind him— that I realized I was crying. 

Wiping the tears, Taemin promised, “I’ll always be here to help you clean your messes. That’s nothing to apologize for. It’s okay if you run off and take whatever space you need because I’ll always be here when you come back.” 

I wrapped my arms around Taemin’s waist and pulled him against me. I hesitated to press my face against his chest because I didn’t want to stain his clothes with my makeup. There was little room to resist, however, when he drew me closer to his heartbeat, gently combing a hand through my hair. 

As if it would make everything better, I said, “I love you.” Taemin probably would have said that he loved me had I not continued, “I really don’t want to go back down to the party.” I didn’t care if I was being cowardly. 

“Okay,” Taemin agreed, “then we won’t.” 

I hadn’t expected him to stay with me when he could have been downstairs laughing with Kai, but I wouldn’t say anything to convince him to go. Maybe I didn’t need Taemin, but I wanted him. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Taemin asked once we were seated side by side on my bed (which was much bigger than any of our tiny hotel beds), atop a light blue quilt I had owned my entire life. 

Glancing away from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, playing on the television mounted on the wall, I met Taemin’s careful gaze and shook my head. “Not really. The last time I tried to talk about this, Sehun and I yelled at each other and traumatized Baekhyun.”

“I’m not going to yell at you,” Taemin said quietly, as if to demonstrate his benevolence. Looking around the room, he joked, “And there’s no Baekhyun in sight!”

Smiling vaguely— and then biting on my lips because smiling didn’t seem right— I admitted, “Aside from all of the Donghae drama, I feel bad for taking my frustration out on Sehun, even though he was being annoying.”

“I don’t think Sehun would have a hard time forgiving you if you apologize.” Taemin disconnected my phone from its charger and handed it to me. When I only accepted it quietly, Taemin added, “I’m not saying that I think you have to apologize. It’s just— if you’re sorry—”

Taemin didn’t even have to know the full context of the argument; he encouraged me to apologize to Sehun only because he thought it would lessen my burden. He thought it would make me feel better. 

“Later,” I decided and laid my phone face down on the nightstand. I wasn’t quite ready to face my actions just yet. And, as I told Taemin, “I just want to be with you right now.” 

With a nod, Taemin swallowed his concern. Smiling like a child, he pointed at the small white-wrapped gift on the nightstand and asked, “What’s that?”

Once I grabbed the gift, I held it out to Taemin, giggling at his wide-eyed expression. “If you don’t like it—” Taemin shook his head, hair flopping as he accepted the present— “then I’ll be more than happy to keep it!”

The enthusiastic shaking of Taemin’s head stopped only as he admired the opened gift. “Does this—” He tucked my hair behind my ear and traced his thumb over my crescent moon earring as he had earlier in the dining room. Taemin beamed down at the giftbox and boasted, “This matches yours!”

I blushed as he retracted his hand to fit his new earring into one of his piercings. “Yeah. They’re two halves of a pair. I didn’t know if you’d like it, but—”

Taemin lightly kissed my cheek, dangerously close to my mouth, and swore, “I love it,” so I didn’t bother to explain the thoughts that led me to choose the moon earrings as his gift. Because f the way Taemin smiled at me, it seemed that he already understood. 

He stood and said, “I left your gift downstairs. I’ll be right back!”

Before he even left the room, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without Taemin’s embrace. Considering his frequent requests to come over throughout the week, I expected that Taemin would agree to stay until sunrise if I asked. Thinking only of making Taemin comfortable, I tiptoed down the hall to Lucas’s room in search of pajamas. 

As I passed Mom’s room and found it empty, I sighed in relief, releasing the breath I hadn’t known I was holding. Heechul must have convinced her to return to the party; he was good at that kind of thing. Although I didn’t quite want to join them, I was glad to imagine Mom having fun downstairs. 

When I first ran up the stairs back into Taemin’s arms, a critical part of my mind cursed me for running from the party— for running from Sehun as I always had. However, I decided as I imagined the smile that might settle on Taemin’s face when I asked him to stay, making new memories didn’t count as running. Spending time with Taemin counted as embracing the present, letting go of the past, and looking excitedly toward the future. 

As I emerged from Lucas’s closet, clutching a black t-shirt and gray sweatpants, I was caught. Face dangerously close to mine, Lucas asked, “What are you doing?”

The party must have been raging for nobody to react to my ear-splitting scream or Lucas’s subsequent side-splitting laughter. 

I wheezed, pressing a palm flat over my chest, “You just gave me a heart attack, Lucas! You should really learn to announce yourself.”

“I didn’t realize I had to announce myself in my own room,” Lucas rolled his eyes. His room— as if he hadn’t occupied a guest room. “I came to check on you. When you weren’t in your room, I didn’t expect to find you stealing from my closet!”

“It’s not stealing.” I tried to walk around Lucas, too embarrassed to explain that I was taking his clothes to encourage Taemin to spend the night. “It’s borrowing.” 

Lucas laughed. “Right.” He didn’t block the door; he walked into the hall first, and that allowed him to catch a glimpse of Taemin slipping into my room, gift box in hand. “Oh, I see!” Lucas winked and snorted at my blush. “Tell Taemin he can keep those—” he nodded toward the bundle of clothes in my hands— “if he wants to. He’s pretty sentimental, huh? He’ll want some kind of souvenir of the first time you asked him to spend the night.” 

My face burned as I kicked Lucas toward the stairs, giggling as he reacted with a dramatic cry as he ran a hand over the injury. 

When I returned to my room, I found Taemin sitting on my bed, a small white-wrapped gift sitting in his lap. I sat by his side and gave him the bundle of Lucas’s clothes in exchange for his box. 

“What’s this?” Taemin lowered his head before mine to steal my attention away from his gift. 

“Pajamas,” I forced myself to answer casually, delicately picking at tape. “You know, in case you want to spend the night. Here. With me.” Funny. Until I started talking, I didn’t think that I was nervous. Now, I couldn’t seem to stand the silence. How embarrassing. 

Taemin smiled at my invitation. His smile grew as he noticed my wide-eyed reaction to his gift: a silver crescent moon hanging on a delicate silver chain. 

It’s important to note that Taemin and I hadn’t coordinated our gifts. The only explanation for our matching, I guessed, was that we each associated the other with the moon that watched over us on that first night in the garden. The only explanation was that Taemin and I remembered that night with the same heart fluttering joy. We were on the same page at the same time, and that was rare and beautiful. 

“Here.” Taemin lifted the necklace out of its box with nimble fingers and motioned for me to turn my back to him. After struggling with the clasp for so long that I started giggling (which was mostly a reaction to Taemin’s high pitched whining), he finally secured the necklace around my neck. He placed a light kiss to the nape of my neck before turning me to face him. 

“Thank you,” I said while tracing my fingers along the cold pendant. 

“You’re welcome,” Taemin yawned and wrapped an arm around me. It was a cliche move, I guess, but it was cute enough to make me smile. “I’m kinda tired. Are you sure you don’t wanna go back to the party?”

Accepting my nod, Taemin grabbed Lucas’s clothes and started toward the door, I assumed, to change in the bathroom across the hall. 

“Wait!” I blurted as if what I wanted to say couldn’t wait another minute. Maybe it couldn’t. Maybe I had waited long enough. For a few seconds, I sat on the edge of my bed, gathering Taemin’s giftbox and the wrinkled wrapping paper. I was thankful that he had only stopped in his tracks; he hadn’t turned to face me. I don’t know that I could have looked him in the eyes as I confessed, “I want us to be together.”

“Huh?” Taemin gasped when I threw my arms around his waist, pulled his body against mine, and rose onto the tips of my toes to kiss the nape of his neck— the same place where he had kissed me just moments earlier. 

Taemin turned in my embrace. “I’ll be right back,” he assured, his lips meeting the crown of my head. “I just have to go change, and—”

Taemin cocked his head when I shook mine. “No, I mean—” I was stuttering, too excited to speak properly. I wasn’t quite nervous— or maybe I was; maybe it was anxiety that tied my stomach in knots. “I have to tell you that I love the necklace, and I love you, and I want to be your girlfriend, please.”

There was nothing to be afraid of. Taemin didn’t even search my face for uncertainty— perhaps knowing that he would find none— before giggling and running his hands down the lengths of my arms. “Is that it?” 

I nodded, and Taemin played, “It’s nice that you said ‘please.’ That’s very polite of you.” He must have been excited that I was voluntarily taking this bold step toward him. I wouldn’t have faulted him for teasing me. It didn’t hurt me when he teased me. “I want you to be my girlfriend, too, but not as much as I want to be your boyfriend.” 

He looked at me with raised eyebrows, so I agreed, “You can be my boyfriend, Taemin.” 

Maybe it was a little silly to be so ecstatic about titles when Taemin and I had been together for those few months that felt like forever, but after he left the room, I smiled so widely that my cheeks hurt as I danced into my pajamas. I was still smiling as I leaped onto the bed, eagerly awaiting the moment when Taemin would fill the space beside me— this time as my boyfriend— when my phone rang.

Should I be embarrassed that, even after the symbolic (dramatic) act of removing his poster from the wall, I accepted Donghae’s call? I’m not embarrassed. You have to understand how much he meant to me. You have to try to imagine how many smiles he planted on my face through years of kindness. 

I must have loved Donghae beyond comprehension. At the sight of him, small and smiling on my phone’s screen, every recently born resentment I held toward him was released. I don’t know if I could have clung to my anger even if I wanted to. 

Maybe it’s impossible to stay angry at somebody you love. Maybe I was looking for every excuse to forgive him for hurting Mom even if he wasn’t sorry.

I smiled a heavy sort of sincere smile as I greeted, “Hello. Merry Christmas,” with a small wave. 

“Merry Christmas.” Donghae mirrored my wave. His smile seemed heavier than mine. “Sehun said you were upset.” 

Is that why Donghae called? Not because his Christmas was incomplete without me (like mine was incomplete without him) but because Sehun tattled on me? My heart sank and only rose from the cold depths of disappointment when Taemin entered the room with his brilliant grin. 

Careful not to make any noise that would alert Donghae to Taemin’s presence— not wanting him to scold me or Mom because a boy was in my bedroom, a place much more intimate than a hotel room— I placed a finger over my lips and motioned for Taemin to sit on the floor. Because Donghae’s eyes were downcast, he didn’t notice. 

Taemin obeyed my instruction to be quiet, but he didn’t sit on the floor as I requested. Gently, he eased onto my bed, sitting down at my feet. I stifled a chuckle, reasoning that as long as he didn’t say anything, there was no harm in Taemin’s small rebellion. 

“Lei.” Donghae reclaimed my attention. “I called to check on you. Are you okay?”

Meeting his gaze, I answered, “I’m okay now. I just—” I almost choked on my honesty— “I missed you earlier, and—”

Did I dare to confront Donghae about the photograph? I had to; it wasn’t right to take out my aggression on Sehun without being willing to confront the source. 

“I saw a picture of all of us taken at one of your birthday parties years ago, back when I was a little kid, and I guess—” As if to remind me that he was there, that it was okay to be honest even when it hurt, Taemin grabbed my hand and empowered me to admit, “I’ve been sad lately because so much has changed.”

Moments passed in silence before Donghae acknowledged, nodding, “Yeah. Change is inevitable, and it can seem scary. You’re at a time in life where you’re starting to step into the world as an adult— and that’s a very good thing. I don’t know exactly how you're feeling, but I know that watching you grow is scary for me.” 

Donghae laughed, so I laughed too. Taemin squeezed my hand. 

Donghae confessed, “Lately, I’ve worried that maybe I’ve been a burden to you— like when I overreacted to your dance practice with Lucas or when I lost my temper because your mom trusted the boys in your group to share a room with you.”

I shook my head. “I won’t lie— you kind of embarrassed me. I mean, not so much with Lucas because I don’t care what he thinks, but Taemin—” Taemin’s eyes widened at his name— “I care what Taemin thinks.” 

Donghae apologized, and I said, “It’s okay. I don’t mind being embarrassed by you when you mean well. I’d rather have you here to overprotect me than have you stand someplace far away where I can’t see you just because you’re not sure what to do.”

I knew that Donghae skipped the party to avoid his tension with Mom, but I considered that maybe he was avoiding tension with me as well. I didn’t want him to avoid me. 

“I’m sorry that I haven’t done a better job of teaching you that always, no matter how far apart we may be from time to time, I love you. You’re like my daughter, Lei, and nothing can change that. If you need me or if you just want to talk, I’m always just a phone call away.”

Maybe because I wanted to— maybe because I needed to— I believed Donghae when he said that he loved me. I just wasn’t quite comforted because, as I told him, “My heart is broken for you. Donghae, I’m not trying to pry into your feelings for Mom—”

Midway through a gulp of water, Donghae choked. Water dribbled from his mouth down to the front of his black t-shirt. Did he not know how obvious his infatuation was? 

“— but how could you have returned the picture Mom gave you for your birthday? Did it hurt you at all to—”

“The picture?” Donghae dropped his phone onto the counter. I could hear him shuffling through his living room before he showed his panicked face. “I didn’t return the picture, but I can’t find it. I usually keep it on the mantle above my fireplace, but it’s not there!”

It was evident from his alarm that Donghae was telling the truth. My brow furrowed. “What do you mean? Sehun gave Mom your gift, and—”

“I gave your mom a bracelet like this one!” He held his hand up and pointed to a red thread on his wrist. I had seen one like it before— on Mom’s wrist when she was crying in her room. 

Again, I tried to explain what I knew. “Sehun said that he was here on behalf of you and Eunhyuk—”

Donghae’s eyes widened. “Lei, I have to go. I have to call Eunhyuk.”

Did that mean that Eunhyuk had stolen the photograph to give to Mom with that scribbled note? To me, that seemed over the top and inappropriate, but maybe Eunhyuk was tired of watching his friend pine. Maybe interfering (and hurting Mom in the process) was Eunhyuk’s way of rushing the fifteen years of rejection saga toward an ending with no regard for whether the ending would be happy. 

Is a sad ending better than no ending at all? I didn’t know.

“Don’t look so sad, Lei,” Donghae begged. “I’ll see you at the New Year’s party. And when I do—” He gestured to a bracelet on his wrist opposite from the one housing the red thread— “I’ll give you your gift: the bracelet that matches this.” 

I caught the briefest glimpse of the bracelet’s infinity symbol as I nodded. “Okay, Donghae. Goodnight, and please remember—” his brow furrowed in anticipation— “everything will be okay.” 

Donghae and I smiled, I think, because we both believed it. 

After saying his final Goodnight and Merry Christmas, Donghae ended the call, and Taemin wasted no time in claiming his place by my side at the head of the bed. Lacing his fingers through mine, Taemin asked, “Do you feel a little better now?”

I probably would have nodded my head even if I still felt terrible, but I felt as if the weight of the world— or at least the weight of Donghae’s fifteen years of heartbreak— had been lifted from my shoulders. It was as I had always hoped: even if Mom and Donghae weren’t bonded in a mutual love affair, Donghae still cared for me. Donghae would still have a presence in my life. 

Trusting that Donghae would somehow explain that he hadn’t returned the picture to Mom, I cast that issue from my mind. However matters between Mom and Donghae resolved, I wanted (or needed) to have as little involvement as possible to protect my relationships with each of them. 

Cupping my cheek— which I guess was Taemin’s new favorite thing to do— Taemin gushed, “I’m really proud of you. Do you know that?” It seemed like a peculiar thing for a boyfriend to tell his girlfriend, but I guessed I didn’t know much about how real couples talked to each other. Anyway, I appreciated Taemin’s pride in me. 

Just as I was about to say something too cringe-worthy to repeat, like, “Are you proud enough to kiss me?” Grandma walked into the room, black sweater sparkling. 

It was incredible, really, that after his colossal meltdown that night in the hotel when I said that anyone could catch us sleeping together, Taemin hadn’t thought to lock the door. Although Taemin hid his face behind my shoulder, and my entire body burned crimson in utter humiliation, Grandma didn’t scold us. She didn’t seem surprised, and she didn’t acknowledge Taemin’s presence in any way other than flashing a simple smile. 

“Lei, I just came to get my phone.” Grandma approached us only to grab her phone from my nightstand. “Goodnight!”

She locked the door on her way out, but our intimate atmosphere was now laced with tense embarrassment. Our innocence was somehow tainted by her unspoken expectation that something was either happening or going to happen. It was one thing for Taeyong to suspect that something was happening and giggle about it over hot wings; it was another for Grandma to suspect that we were up to no good and, worse, to encourage it. 

Face still hidden, Taemin squeaked, “So we’re not in trouble?”

I laid back on my pillow and sighed, grateful that if somebody had to walk in (other than Lucas, Kai, or Taeyong), it was Grandma. “No. Grandma’s not the scolding type.” 

She wasn’t the tattling type either, so she wouldn’t say anything to Mom. If Grandma ever told anyone that she found Taemin in my room, it would be Wookie; she would probably wait until next year, when there was less risk of us getting in trouble, to tell Wookie over a cup of tea. 

“Besides—” I glanced up at Taemin’s red face— “she likes you too much to get mad at you.” 

Taemin lit up, and his blush faded almost all at once. “She likes me?” Maybe Taemin didn’t understand that nobody could get through a conversation with him without falling. 

“Not as much as I like you, but—” 

I didn’t even get to finish teasing. My words encouraged Taemin to lay himself down and fit his warm body to mine. 

I’ll never know why we didn’t kiss that night when it would have been so easy. I guess it must have been the same unknown reason that we didn’t kiss any of those nights on tour in the privacy of our room. Despite the burning urge to lean in and feel his lips against mine for the first time, I kind of enjoyed the wait. Without realizing it, I had waited for Taemin my entire life. Now that he was there, listening to me, speaking to me, holding me, loving me, the wait for a kiss was no real burden. 

Taemin fell asleep minutes after his head hit the pillow. He must have been telling the truth when he said that he couldn’t sleep in the SuperM house. With Taemin snoring faintly into the still darkness, I drew a deep breath. 

In this perfect moment, there was only one thing nagging in my mind, tying my stomach in knots (as usual): the thought of Sehun. 

The urge to apologize to him was like an itch I couldn’t quite reach. And even if I could reach it, what reason did I have to believe that scratching it would make it go away? Isn’t that the worst thing to do when you’re trying to heal— disrupt the injury? 

Maybe, a part of me argued, the apology was more like applying medicine. Maybe apologizing would make me feel better, even if it didn’t magically make us friends. 

They were rather selfish, my reasons for reaching for my phone to text Sehun. I didn’t care much about making him feel better or receiving his forgiveness; I just knew that I wouldn’t get any sleep unless I tried to satisfy my conscience, unless I tried to untangle the knots in my stomach. 

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Voltron Rewritten Defender (1/8)

Also known as My Almost Raging Bitch List for this Goddamn Disastrous Disappointment of a Show

I binged all 8 seasons in under a week, so believe me when I say almost nothing was forgotten between seasons/episodes and I do tend to note that.

If it’s not obvious by the title, I’m planning an entire show AU. I am extremely open to people’s opinions on what I’m currently thinking and when I finally post this I’ll be open to criticism there too. If you would like to avoid seeing anything in regards to this feel free to blacklist #voltron_rewritten_defender because that’s what I’ll be using for this whole thing.

Enjoy, I guess.

Fair warning I am a multishipper, but for this show I leaned towards Klance, so if that bothers you that’s okay, I’m not going to be bashing any other ships (mainly just Dreamworks’ forced Allurance). If you think I missed something for any other ship lemme know! If you wanna have a ship discussion that’s cool too. The only other thing I can think of is that Allura’s attitude in S8 really stuck with me to the point that she bothered me throughout the entire rewatch (I was admittedly one of the people who thought she could be very Mary Sue ish when I first watched this) so that’ll show up now and again.

If you want to look at the Google Doc for the whole show, click the link, if not you can expand this post to see Season 1. I’ll be doing these in chunks, but as some of you know I do a FicRecList on one of my other accounts here @sorcerusdragonbionics​ so I’m gonna be alternating between that and these for the next couple days.

If you do the Google Route it’ll have you ask me for permission, this is normal and if you request it I’ll give you commenting abilities.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t30IRJonrBFh0qvs8recf3ayGoQ0rx02y0Tg1e4NTaI/edit?usp=sharing

Key

Things I kinda wanna bitch about

Things I did genuinely enjoy and like 

Rewatch Thoughts (basically what I remember from further forward and how I feel like it reflects back on earlier seasons)

Ship Talk (behold my multishipping insanity)

Things I think I’ll do in the Rewrite

Writing Notes (mainly for me or as explanation for what I’m planning)

VA and Closed Captioning Things

Other Fic Thoughts

This ended up being music commentary in S8

Season One

Problems with the Season overall:

To be honest if I hated this season I wouldn’t’ve kept watching because by the time I started S3 had just dropped

Episode 1

Here’s the deal, WHY ARE YOU SO LONG BUT SO EMPTY?!?

Yeah, nope, that’s mostly it

Fix the problem of telling instead of showing about the other Lions and remove Allura’s explanation of the Lions if possible (thank you Kross for explaining why it felt so empty- this vid is actually where I started getting the idea to actually go through with a full series AU)

DON'T RUSH THE LION INTROS

Also let the 5 introduce themselves to Allura and Coran

Also Character Drive to Complete Mission Should Be A Thing

Flesh out Paladin Personalities so that the Aris Arrival is End of Part One (making it closer to the length of E1)

Flesh out Lion intros so part 2+3 are more like full Eps without Sendak

Episode 2

75 degrees… that’s definitely in Fahrenheit, which why?

How does no one have a watch with a date on them?

“A man can be driven to do anything if a beautiful woman is just really really mean to him”

More inbetween scenes bc I can

I will accept the transformation sequence here, I’m just not going to write it

Episode 3

Please watch the use of Earth Time Slices please, because it’s confusing

I love the portrayal of PTSD in this show and I would die before I change it

Bye bye transformation sequence

Pidge’s talk with Shiro can please change

Episode 4

“I say Vol, you say Tron” will come up again if it kills me

Lance, how do you know what hotdog water and feet taste like?

I love how Coran is completely nonchalant about the fact that he’s drinking a hair tonic

Shiro, don’t bring down the mood

Goddammit Sendak, you could stay for this arc, but god I want you GONE!

Keith, having an emotion? Really?

The Pidge plot DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN LIKE THAT!

Fight me I will change it

Or minimally change the fact that their selfish motivations are revealed to BAD and should be changed

Oh yeah, let’s not give the ONE GUY with notable homesickness a character arc around that

That moment when you realize Allura is like ‘wtf is a peanut’

Allura, don’t push it, some people don’t want to talk about it

You will have something to talk about, BIOLOGY

Decryption happens here, and next attempt to find family occurs… when?

Poor Coran, if there is anyone who was more forgotten than Lance it was him

Keith isn’t wrong, but he also doesn’t know how to say it without getting mad, which mood

Just pointing out Lance is not only smart, but selfless, tell me how he’s not the main character

My inner Shance/Klance shipper is sobbing

“Bomb fuel” mentioned here, occurs… actually it’s ok

Timelines need to be a thing!

Can I make the fight scenes more intense? Yes, I write them for my YJ Scripts. Will I? Almost definitely.

Keith with that much fire your mask should be closed because smoke inhalation is bad

Can we explain Vrepit Sa before s6?

It feels like Coran forgets that 10k years have passed under an evil empire and part of me likes it, but it hurts me

Episode 5

The Katie flashback is hurts me

I want to add Gender Identity

Can we talk about how Shiro is a nickname for Takashi Shirogane?

That’s not how an EMP works

The Coran sitting on Hunk’s shoulders with a machine gun is everything

I know the back x-ray was a joke, but I still don’t like it

Rax is an idiot, just saying

Bonding Moment!!!

Episode 6

“Intergalactic time measuring competition.”

“We had a bonding moment!”

Where is Sendak’s arm?

Fight me, Pidge’s ‘gender speech’

It will be a gender speech if it kills me

Lance, why are you acting the way you are?

“I figured” and “We were supposed to think you were a boy” ARE NOT PROPER REACTIONS!

Rolo, sometimes I want to punch you in the teeth

Lance’s boner is going to get someone killed

Lance had 4sec of logic and then Nyma brings up Keith, which ofc does him in

Let’s expand on the Komar, yeah?

Quiznack means fuck and NO ONE can tell me otherwise

Keith’s ability to fly is impressive and it’s awesome

Friendly reminder that Lance acknowledged the bonding moment

Episode 7

I LOVE the laser gun sound effects!!!

I just realized that Allura has no clue what an Acronym is

We… literally just talked about this and YOU didn’t know that Shiro, I understand the point, but seriously?

LIONS are TELEPATHIC Shiro DID NOT need to say that aloud!

I do actually like the fact that Kieth gets excited before realizing what he did

FIRE and ICE PEOPLE come on! What the hell?! You barely had to try

“Yes sir?” Keith to Shiro, what?

I love them and their cute little arguments

Left vs Right, thank you Zamber

We be lovin’ Hunay bc it’s pure as hell

Thank you Shiro for validating Hunk’s concerns

You could check  a little faster, Allura

I LIVE for this scene

Was it actually Rolo?

Do they have teleporters?

Keith being weird is my favorite thing

I love good big bros who argue tradition to save their baby sis

Zarkon is a bit of a moron

THEIR LIVES ARE IN DANGER ALLURA!

They all came through different doors… how?

What if the answer was no?

I’m ok with Lance embarrassing himself when he’s cocky, some people seem to forget that

Bye transformation sequence, I explained you ONCE and that’s it

Prorock… why are you familiar?

Episode 8

I admittedly forgot that they didn’t know these things would be different

Flying fight scenes I can do, teleporting not so much

Poor Shiro he thought he had an idea and he was wrong

I love Coran’s reaction

Also NO SHIT Allura

UHHHH Pidge said that not and of the other three so how did He know?

Allura may piss me off, but I do love this speech

“Your Altean Energy”??? Coran, you’re an Altean, I’m confused.

The “Sacred Altean” thing I get, but you must be more specific cuz it makes Coran sound like he thinks he’s not a proper Altean.

Oof, angsty

Also, I  know we can’t kill Allura yet, but... 

I love that Hunk forgot they hadn’t formed Voltron

Bye bye transformation sequence

Ummm, they NEED to explain the Bayard Equip bc that’s… two very different things that occurred between Hunk and Keith’s Bayard Weapons

Why is this a scene? It’s not a dog. So, yeah, I’m with Keith here

Episode 9

THIS IS NOT HEALTHY ALLURA!

I just realized that this doesn’t come back until S..7? 8? Whatever, WAY too long

I can’t unhear “Training Dick”

Did they have homework on Altea?

Be still my Punk shipper heart

WHY is he SO pretty?!

Y’know, the glowing red eye is usually a bad sign

I could SO mean and hurt Keith here

That moment when you’re like 90% sure Shiro heard that somewhere

Not what haunted means Coran, but accurate

Why could Lance see Alfor for a second?

I too would like the answer to “where was the Red Lion?”

PTSD IS AMAZINGLY WRITTEN!

It’s a shame this is NEVER treated properly again

Thank you for NOT making the swimming thing a thing

You didn’t need to TRY Voltron, what the hell?!

Here’s the deal,  Altea not being Obliterated-obliterated is actually a really interesting idea

Lance still wins, for the record

If she was infected in any way this wouldn’t drive me crazier than a bot on Halloween

But she’s not so this is BULL

Shallura confuses me SO much…

Ok, admittedly the scene with Allura and Alfor is beautifully heartbreaking

Episode 10

The fact that Zarkon was a close friend to Alfor should be addressed

Also Shiro calling himself “an inexperienced Pilot” hurts

Allura’s a MORON!

YES! MASSIVE ISSUE WITH YOU COMING

Nice puppetry Hunk

What happened to THIS Allura?! She’s reckless but not INSANE (or so boring I might cry)!

Is this the same Druid from Season 8? Pretty sure it’s 8… I forget which, but the one Keith fought

“Don’t walk through that door!” / Keith does/ “I think I told him” // “You are a paragon of leadership, Lance”

Hehheh I love Hunk teasing Lance about Allura

I do actually the fact that I can’t tell what size the purple container is until Keith grabs it

Heheh the Allura interacting with the Galra soldier

The computer sounds like Lance

Also Shiro had that “holy shit” moment

I HATE WRITING TELELPORTING FIGHTS

I’m 99% sure that the ONLY reason I didn’t fall into the Galra Keith rabbit hole was the fact that I binge watched

This scene confuses me… so much now that I know Shallura was apparently never going to be a thing

So confused

Episode 11

That hair flip though...

Coran, I get it, but calm down

Okay, but Keith has a point. Seriously, he’s not wrong. 

For the record, Haggar scares me

So much makes so much more sense now that we know Zarkon is the Original Black Paladin

That… makes no sense… “enough essence to open a wormhole”

Why are you transforming? More pieces to shoot at is usually a smart idea…

Hey hey, THACE!

Why can’t you have two active at once? I’m honestly serious.

I mean too OP, got it, but you can maneuver around that for temporary stuff

Shiro, use your words, yeah?

“Thinking” uh huh you mean “telepathy” right?

I genuinely forgot that Shiro got booted from Black

Damn! Yes Shiro! Kick some ass!

Ok, here’s the deal, Keith’s not listening to Coran, but he doesn’t have all the info (LIKE THE FUCKING BAYARD), Zarkon’s the OG Paladin, and he’s in distress

I HATE TELEPORTERS!

“Could have been” … uh Kuron exists ?? 

Also, Shiro with yellow eyes is fucking terrifying

We ain’t ficking stupid VLD

Zarkon’s a fucking idiot

Written properly his power-hungry attitude works even with him destroying his own ship

But it wasn’t so it’s null

You aren’t even subtle about Galra Keith

How can Allura see through Illusions?

Nobody knows!

Shiro, you have no jetpack, how are you so fast?

“Who cares, wormhole!” mood

I… uh… I want to do SO many things with this idea

Preferably not what they actually do...

[hotforharrison]

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream ch 7

Chapter 6 <-- Series Masterlist --> Chapter 8

Pairing: Tom Holland/Reader

Summary: He’d been in your dreams almost your whole life, but was it real?

Word Count: 1,715

Warnings: Language, smut and some tears.

A/N: Today is extra bonus day! I posted a oneshot, AND updated both of my series. Celebrate my insomnia!

You found yourself back in the White Room with Tom, both of you still nude. That hadn’t stopped being strange yet. Strange, but definitely not unwelcome. He was gorgeous, and you loved just looking at him in a way you hadn’t had the chance to before.

He got on the bed and patted the spot next to him. You sat down beside him, your bare thigh touching his, and grabbed his hand to hold in yours.

“You look surprised,” he commented, interlacing his fingers with yours.

“I thought meeting you in person might have broken the White Room, like the entire purpose was to bring us together, and it would just...stop after it fulfilled that,” you told him.

“Apparently not.” He shrugged. “It will be strange to wake up next to you, though, instead of by myself.”

“I always hated waking up alone after spending the night with you here, especially after I started boarding school.” You really didn’t want to go back to the life you now unfortunately led.

“We still have two whole days, and after that, we’ll figure something out,” he promised.

“What else is there to do, other than go back there and face the fact that I left campus and skipped a couple days worth of classes without permission?”

You weren’t prepared for the meeting you were going to have with the dean and probably your parents, but you doubted you ever would be. Spending time with Tom was still worth it, would still be worth a lot worse than that.

“You could come back to London with me,” he offered.

The suggestion shocked you. Meeting in a hotel for a couple days was one thing, and really meeting in person one day had probably been inevitable as you’d both grown older, but he wanted to bring you back home with him?

“I don’t even have a passport,” you eventually said.

“I’ll wait with you while you get one. I won’t be done filming for another few weeks.” He squeezed your hand.

“I’m not saying that the thought of running away with you isn’t at all appealing, but like, how would you explain coming home with some random American girl? You don’t even have your own place yet.”

“I’ve already been looking for a place, though. I could just make it more of a priority to find one.”

“What about getting a visa to stay with you? I haven’t looked into it, but I don’t think they just hand them out to everyone who requests one.”

“Maybe you could finish school in London and get a student visa for the time being,” he suggested.

“So you’ve apparently thought about this?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I just hate how miserable you are, love. I hadn’t seen you genuinely happy before yesterday in months. It makes my heart hurt that you’re in such a bad place right now.”

You couldn’t deny that as much as you wished you could. It was 100% the truth. Seeing him had been the only thing that you’d looked forward to in a long time. Now that it was finally happening, what was next? You couldn’t answer that.

“God help me, I’m actually considering this,” you confessed, chewing your lower lip as you thought more about it.

“Good.” Tom did nothing to hide how pleased he was by that fact.

“I honestly thought you’d be fucking me in here tonight for every moment we had together, not having me start making life-changing plans.”

He rubbed his thumb over your fingers. “We have plenty of time. I think we’re both more comfortable talking here than back in the hotel room, at least for now.”

“Yeah, it is easier to talk to you here,” you agreed. “So, we’ve established that you’re a bad influence and I’m going to do something abso-fucking-lutely insane, now what?”

He chuckled. “The passport is the top priority for now. I might have already looked into it, and you can get it expedited.”

“What about my parents?” you asked.

“You already know how I feel about that. Fuck ‘em. They sent you off to that bloody hell hole of a boarding school and even took away your fucking phone because they didn’t want you to talk to me again,” he ranted, “and why? Because your cousin couldn’t use a goddamn rubber like a reasonable human being.”

“I miss the life I would’ve had back in my hometown, my friends and all the stuff I was looking forward to for senior year, but I haven’t missed them yet,” you admitted, looking down at the floor.

“I don’t blame you one bit. What they did to you was shitty.” He lifted your chin to look into your eyes. “I can promise you that you’ve always got me, though, even if the White Room disappears forever after we wake up. You won’t have to do any of this alone.”

“Thank you.” You felt tears start to slide down your cheeks. “I’m scared.”

“I know, darling. It’s alright.” He pressed a kiss to your forehead and wiped away your tears with his thumb. “Let me hold you for a while.”

You lay down on the bed with Tom, his arms wrapping around you. You buried your face in his chest and allowed yourself to cry it out, embarrassed that you were quickly becoming a snotty mess against his bare skin.

“Shhh,” he soothed, rubbing your back gently. “Everything will be alright.”

You pulled yourself against him tighter. Something twitched against your leg, and you glanced up to see.

“Shit, I swear I’m not getting off on you crying. I would never. You’re just naked, and touching me, and gorgeous, and it has a mind of its own,” he said quickly.

It wasn’t even that funny, really, but you started laughing and couldn’t stop, your tears turning into tears of laughter. Every time you began to calm down, the laughter bubbled up again.

Eventually, you managed to stop, calmer for a few moments.

Then, want washed over you unexpectedly. The only thing you were sure of was that you needed to be closer to Tom in that moment, maybe even closer than you could possibly be. You weren’t sure. You wouldn’t be until you tried, and you needed to try.

You kissed him suddenly, a little desperately, his mouth slack against yours in surprise. He didn’t stop you when you straddled him, rubbing your already wet core against his erection.

He broke the kiss, panting a bit. “Love, you might want-”

You shook your head and pressed your lips against his again, licking into his mouth.

He still didn’t stop you when you positioned him against your entrance and sank down, groaning into the kiss at the painful stretch. It took a few tries to bury him inside you to the hilt. You didn’t move for a while, just kept kissing him as you adjusted to his size. It still stung when you finally moved to rock against him, a few tears dripping down your cheeks.

He broke the kiss, looking simultaneously very aroused and very concerned.

“What’s this about, darling?” he asked.

“I need this,” you told him. “Needed to be closer to you.”

“Well, I don’t think you can get any closer than this. I’m literally inside of you right now. But we can stop if you want to. You’re crying again, and I really don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to stop,” you insisted, the sting already starting to transform into a feeling of fullness as you moved more.

He remained still underneath you, letting you take what you needed. “What do you want? Do you want me to take care of you?”

“Yeah,” you said, realizing that was exactly what you wanted.

“I’ll take such good care of you,” he promised. “Do you want to stay like this, or do you want me to be on top?”

“I don’t know. You can decide,” you eventually said.

He gently rolled you over without pulling out. “Do you want me to make you cum?”

That was easier to answer. “Yes.”

His hand slid between your bodies, and he found your clit with a fingertip. He circled it slowly as he carefully thrust into you. “Does that feel good?”

“Mhmm.” You wrapped your legs around his, enjoying the additional contact that made you feel closer to him.

He rubbed your clit a little faster, and an orgasm soon washed over you like a rolling tide. It wasn’t as intense and powerful as others you’d had, but the pleasure lasted much longer. You could feel your inner walls pulsing around him as you came.

“Oh fuck,” he moaned, and you felt him spill inside you as his thrusts slowed down until he stilled completely.

“Thank you,” you said, still a bit breathless.

“What are you thanking me for?” he asked.

“Taking care of me,” you responded.

“Believe me when I say it was no hardship.” He smiled down at you.

“I have a question,” you started.

“Go ahead.”

“You know how stuff goes into the White Room, like what you wear when you fall asleep,” you said.

“Yeah? What about it?”

“Does stuff go back out?” you asked.

“What do you-” Realization dawned on his face. “Oh. We’ll grab you the morning-after pill just in case.”

“I should probably go to a clinic soon and find a better long-term solution, since we can’t bring anything in the White Room with us.”

“That’s a good idea,” he agreed before changing the subject. “Do you feel better now?”

“Yeah. I’m still a little scared, but I don’t usually do crazy things so…” you trailed off.

“But I’m a bad influence,” he said playfully.

“You are,” you teased, “but like you said, I won’t be doing this alone.”

He nodded. “You won’t.”

“There’s something else I’m wondering,” you admitted.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Am I still a virgin, since we did this in the White Room, but not while we’re awake?”

“I guess it’s teeeeechnically a sex dream?” he responded.

“Good. I don’t regret this, not at all, but a tear-free do-over would be nice,” you told him.

“I’ll try not to disappoint you to the point of tears. I can’t make any promises, though,” he teased.

You chuckled.

Tag list: @moorehollandplz @thollandss @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @jackiehollanderr @adayasgeorgia @dasexydevitt13 @imagine-lovebug

[kelasparmak]

ask game: bel!

favorite thing about them: 

there are so many things i love about bel! i think my actual favourite thing is that it’s so adventurous and unabashedly itself, and it Lives Out Loud, which often includes doing some real dumb shit because it thinks either ‘this is the right thing to do’ or ‘this could be funny’.

least favorite thing about them:

can i say the way other people treat it? if not, i guess maybe the fact that sometimes it can be pretty inconsiderate. like, the actual decision to go along with mark’s plan in mirror dance i actually don’t entirely condemn, but taking soldiers into that fight without checking that mark had a proper plan was negligent, kissing mark was probably not a good idea (even if it meant well), it seemed to take a while to start thinking of taura as a person, etc.

favorite line:

i don’t think bel has a lot of oneliners that are great just on their own and out of context - most of its good lines are snarky comments on things other people have said. honestly the one that springs to mind is back in one of the earliest books when they’re all having a dead serious strategy meeting and auson says something to the effect of ‘we’d be hung!’ and bel’s major contribution to this meeting is immediately correcting him to ‘hanged’. that’s the petty shit i live for. i also liked ‘hold your tongue, tung’, because it immediately turns around to miles and goes ‘wasn’t that a great line? i’ve been working on it for years’, like… babe…. you’re so embarrassing….

brOTP:

bel doesn’t have that many ‘onscreen’ friendships so it’s hard to say, i guess. i like the idea of bel and taura becoming really good friends after labyrinth. they can bond over their frilly nighties and taste in men.

and i like the idea of bel and arde (who never interact, if i’m not mistaken) bonding over being the only betans in the dendarii. it’s funny (or not) that bel is the only one who gets the ‘betans are SJWs and/or easy’ jokes, but for some reason no one seems to make those comments about miles or arde. weird, huh?

if we can go with brotps that definitely aren’t canon, i also like the idea of bel and cordelia hanging out, preferably while miles hits his head against the wall trying to forget that his ‘old flame’ (as he put it) has made out with him, his clone, and his stepdad (who screwed both his parents). 

also, bel and byerly impsec shenanigans would be hilarious.

OTP:

miles, for sure. bel and nicol are very cute but i would’ve been over the moon if it had ended up with miles. the first time i read the series, i thought that line to elena, like ‘i’ll tell them i’m marrying bel! and then when i “change my mind” and marry you instead they’ll be super relieved!’ was very unsubtle foreshadowing. and then when mark and bel went off on their adventure and mark nearly cried about bel thinking clones are people, i thought maybe they’d end up together, which would’ve been cool too. but miles would have been the dream.

nOTP:

uhh no one really ships bel with anyone except nicol, miles and occasionally jole. and ivan once or twice, which i’ve only just remembered about but enjoyed deeply. i can’t think of a ship that i’d hate for bel and that anyone would be likely to ship.

random headcanon:

i think there’s a good reason bel doesn’t go back to beta, and i don’t think the reason is genuinely ‘it’s so BORING being treated with respect’. and i think that ties into why bel is super closed off about its family - nicol mentions family in labyrinth and it gets a little evasive, and there’s ‘bel, do you ever wonder why i don’t talk about my family?’ ‘well, there’s a lot of dendarii who don’t….. sir’, and the only time it actually does say anything about its family is that one little quip where miles is making fake small talk and says like ‘oh you’re betan? my mother’s from beta colony’ and bel goes ‘what a coincidence, mine too’. so maybe it has a mother. that’s literally all we know.

i think maaaaaaybe it got into fights as much on beta as it does in the series (maybe with people like cordelia’s mum who are still kind of anti-herm?). from cordelia’s experience and what arde says about the mental health board, it sounds like if you exhibit any off-kilter behaviour then the mental health board just turn up without needing your permission (maybe they need your family’s?) and you get brainwashed until you’re a Shiny Happy Person or whatever. so my personal opinion is that maybe bel ditched beta so it could continue being a disaster in peace.

unpopular opinion:

i don’t think there are any particular popular or unpopular opinions about bel, tbh. i think the closest i get is being mildly disappointed that bel and nicol ended up together? even though they’re very sweet i was rooting for miles to get over his homophobia and transphobia and realise he was actually in love with bel. and i was really really sure it was going to happen so i’m still disappointed that it didn’t.

(there are also more reasons that it’s not my ideal ending, at least not the way it happened, but i’m not gonna go into that right now) 

song i associate with them:

there are lots - maybe sometime i’ll get around to making a playlist. in the meantime, ‘hope on fire’ by vienna teng is a big Bel Song for me. so is ‘dying day’ by brandi carlisle.

favorite picture of them:

every picture of bel is my favourite picture of bel. but if you’re going to make me pick, probably this one or this one.

[syriul]

A Time Traveler in Viking Court - Part 9/?

“This has got to be one of the most amazing things I’ve ever see.”

You ran you hand over the red paint that decorated the chariot in front of you.  It was bigger than you’d expected, much more intimidating. An intimidating chariot for an intimidating man.

You placed a foot on top of the chariot and looked towards Ivar, silently asking for permission, before mounting it fully. Ivar nodded in approval.

You sat on the seat and took hold of the reins. You tried sitting as straight as possible and closed your eyes. I wonder what it would be like to go into battle on this baby. After a few moments you opened your eyes and let out a deep sigh.

Without saying a word, you stood up and hopped off the chariot.

“I’ve never seen anything as amazing as this.” You repeated as you turned towards Ivar. 

You could see a proud smile taking over his features. “Really?”

“Oh, yes.” You began walking towards him. “I’ve never seen one of these in person.” 

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but was cut short by the sudden appearance of Ubbe at the barn’s open door. 

“What’s going on here?” He asked, looking back and forth between you and Ivar; he sported a crooked, slightly amused smile.  “I hope you’re not killing each other.”

“Nope, no killing here.” You threw you hands up in a show of innocence as a giggle escaped you. 

“Not yet, anyway.” Ivar let out a hearty laugh. 

Your eyes went wide with shock as your giggle erupted into a full laugh. “I didn’t know you made jokes.” 

“He normally doesn’t.” Ubbe feigned concern. “He must be coming down with something.” He pulled Ivar close to him and held the back of his hand up to Ivar’s forehead. 

You laugh even harder. 

“Would you release me.” Ivar spoke through a laugh. “You don’t know how to respect your king.” 

Ubbe ruffled Ivar’s hair and flaunted you a smile before turning to walk back out the barn door. “Lunch is ready.” He called out over his shoulder before disappearing. 

You playfully smacked Ivar’s shoulder as you walked past him. “Come on, I’m starving.” You heard his slow foot steps behind you. 

I should wait. It can’t be easy walking with those crutches. 

You slowed down your pace and looked over your shoulder towards Ivar; your eyes remained on him until he was right next to you. 

“I do make jokes.” He spoke after a few seconds of silence. 

“What?” You looked at him in confusion as you began walking side by side. 

“I do make jokes.” He repeated with an underlying sadness.

“I’m sure you do, I’d just never seen it.” You gave him a weak smile. 

He returned your smile. 

“But I do like it. It makes you more approachable, less...scary.” You continued.

Ivar quickly diverted his eyes towards the ground as his cheeks turned a bright pink. Oh my God. Is he blushing? 

The rest of the walk to the throne room was in relative silence. 

“I am so tired. I feel like I just completed a cross-fit session or something,” Kyle spoke loud enough so that only you could hear. 

You pulled out the empty chair beside him and sat down. “Good, maybe now you’ll be more than skin and bone. You need some meat on you.” You laughed at you own comment. 

Kyle rolled his eyes and threw a piece of bread at you, you caught it and popped it into you mouth. 

“So,” Kyle spoke louder now, “how was your training?” 

“Great.” A smug smile took over your face. “I didn’t actually train.”

“What? Why not? I thought you were going into the woods for it.” Kyle narrowed his eyes at you. 

He probably thinks I had a fight with Ivar, again. Probably thanks to how silent we were when we came in. 

You pointed towards Ivar. “Cause I was too amazed.” Out of the corner of your eye you could see Ivar shift in his seat at the head of the table. 

Kyle’s eyes flashed towards Ivar before silently questioning you. 

“He’s like Batman. Only without the ugly suit.” You felt yourself growing excited as the memory of Ivar’s mastery of the bow replayed in your mind. “I shit you not, he can hit any mark.” 

“I don’t know what a batman is, but Ivar’s always been great with a bow.” Ubbe spoke up, sounding almost like a proud dad.

“Yeah but he wasn’t only good with a bow!” You slightly rose from you seat. “He also threw an ax! An ax, Kyle! He threw an ax!”

Kyle let out a laugh. 

“How many people have you ever met who own an ax, let alone throw one with accuracy at a mark?” You continued, earning a greater laugh from Kyle. 

You opened your mouth to continue the praise but stopped at the sound of the doors to the throne room opening. An airy laugh, followed by a gruffer one, filled the room as Margrethe and Hvitserk made their way towards the table. 

I bet I can guess what they’ve been up to. Your good mood was beginning to disappear.

You silently watched as Margrethe took her seat next to Ubbe; you felt your face twist in disgust as Ubbe reached for her hand and gently kissed her knuckles. 

“How are you today, dear?” Ubbe spoke so sweetly, like a husband head over heels for his wife. 

The scene made your stomach churn. 

“What?” Hvitserk’s curt question pried your eyes away from Ubbe and Margrethe. 

You looked towards Hvitserk, confusion clearly written all over your face. 

“Why are you looking at them like that?” He elaborated. 

You felt your face go red with embarrassment as your eyes shifted between Ubbe and Margrethe. You opened my mouth, but found yourself unable to form any words. What could I possibly say? 

“What way?” Kyle spoke for you, clearly sounding offended on your behalf. Best friend to the rescue. 

Your hand shot out to cover Kyle’s, which was resting on the table right next to you, and shot him a warning look. Don’t piss off the viking, dude. 

“I was not talking to you,” Hvitserk spit out, “you do not have to try be a hero.”

You slowly turned your head towards Hvitserk and narrowed your eyes at him. People speaking condescendingly to Kyle had always been your one true weak spot. 

“Listen here, buddy,” you released your hold on Kyle’s hand and  gripped the arm rest of your chair as you leaned forward, “you wanna know what my problem is? I’ll tell you. You are...”

“(Y/n), stop.” Kyle’s hand shot up and covered your mouth. 

You jerked your head away from his reach and continued speaking, “...the most disgusting man I’ve ever met.” 

The whole table shifted uncomfortably, even Ivar. 

“I don’t care that you share a woman,” you continued, “what I care about is the fact that you’re literally related.” You emphasized the last word as your looked between Ubbe and Hvitserk. 

“Why is it any of your business?” Margrethe spoke up. “Do you have feeling for Hvitserk?”

You eyes went wide with shock. “No.”

“Then Ubbe?” Margrethe sounded genuinely curious. 

“No.” You repeated. “I don’t have feeling for either of them. Not romantic, at least.”

“Then what does it matter what we do in privacy?” Now it was Ubbe’s turn to speak.

“Because,” you took a deep breath and lowered your voice, “what are you going to do when children become involved.”

“Celebrate.” Hvitserk responded. 

“But how? You won’t even know who the dad is.” You ran your hands through your hair in frustration.

“So this IS about sharing me.” Margrethe stated.

You let out a deep sigh and rested your elbows on the table. “I guess. I don’t know. It’s just... it bothers me so much.”

There was a second of silence.

“I think I know why it bothers you.” You whipped you head towards Kyle as he broke the silence.

If he even mentions my relationship with my own dad I will beat him in front of everyone. 

“I think you’re projecting onto them your own relationship with your -” Kyle was cut short by your hand covering his mouth. 

Oh, how quickly the tables turned. 

You shook your head slowly, letting him know that the topic was off limits in front of others. 

Kyle nodded in understanding. 

“Projecting?” Hvitserk asked.

You turned your head to him and looked him in the eyes. Let them do what they want. 

“Don’t worry about it.” A coldness had settled on your tone. You pushed your chair away from the table, stood up, and walked towards the door. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be by the river.”

Oh, how quickly my mood has soured. 

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