#the doctor also has never been quite good with dealing with grief so there's that too

[expectiations]

the way my mind works is musing over how Eleven never mentions River's name again onscreen (apparently he kept on mentioning her to Clara as 'Professor Song') while planning an edit because earlier today, I encountered a River hater gloating over how the Doctor moved on so quickly from River because he never mentioned her again and that she's not that important because the Doctor didn't spend billions of years (relative) trying to get her back after having a conversation with @croxxbunx over Eleven not mentioning River in series 7b after she sent this reel to wondering whether Twelve had done the same post-Darillium to dropping my edit planning because I wanted to continue my series 10 watch. After all, I wanted to know whether Twelve made any River namedrop other than that one deleted scene in Thin Ice. oh wait no that's not a River namedrop.

anyways...

YOUR NAME Your name is something I will never forget. The way it made me smile when I would say it. Now I can't even bear to say it without a tear coming down my eye or the thought of me never finding another you ever again. It's like a spell that won't cast. It's the curse of me never saying it again. anatomy of a broken soul - sehejspoetry

I've seen much hate (or glee) over Eleven not even talking about or mentioning River throughout series 7b. But then I recall Clara telling River that the Doctor mentioned her as 'Professor Song'. I also remember the moments that River is alluded to throughout series 7b. And those three minutes~ish in TNOTD where we get the most romantic DoctorRiver scene in the history of evers where the Doctor tells River that she is always there to him, and he always listens, and he can always see her.

The reason he didn't speak to her, didn't say her name, didn't tell Clara who she was to him, was because he thought it would hurt too much.

And he was right.

River may have already experienced Darillium with Twelve, but from Eleven's POV, he genuinely believed that his time with River had run its course.

When I lost a dear family member about a decade ago, it took me years before I was able to say her name out loud again. I just realized it now after ruminating on the Doctor's grief and their reticence of mentioning River or saying her name.

It's not because they've moved on fairly quickly even though that seems to be the general consensus. As the poem above aptly described, it is the profound pain and fear the Doctor feels over the probability of never seeing their wife ever again. I only had less than half a decade's worth of memories with my loved one, but it physically pained me to utter her name out loud, even a mere whisper. Now think about the Doctor, who had decades upon decades worth of memories with River Song. How much more would it pain them?

[who-datgirl]

Who IS Ruby Sunday?

My head is spinning over the secret identity of 15’s companion. Ruby is only in one season as Millie Gibson, something very important will have to happen to have her only appear in 8 episodes. At first I wondered if maybe Ruby was The Master hiding in plain sight as a human. Davies confirmed recently that The Master is taking a break from the plot, so that knocked them out of the running for Ruby’s identity. I am left with one headcanon that, regardless of it winds up true or not, exists rent-free in my mind.

I believe Ruby Sunday is the child of 12 and River Song. I think during their 24 years on Darillium, River wound up pregnant. Once she realized she was carrying The Doctor’s child, she took the TARDIS while 12 was busy with something (In the Husbands of River Song special she confirms that she often steals the TARDIS with The Doctor none the wiser). River carried out her 9 months of pregnancy in secret and used the Chameleon Arch on newborn Ruby. The TARDIS then chose the coordinates that landed her at the church on Ruby Road on Christmas Eve (A clue chosen by the TARDIS for The Doctor since River and 12’s time on Darillium started on Christmas Day). River then popped the TARDIS back on Darillium mere seconds after she left and lived out her remaining happy years with The Doctor, with the truth about Ruby weighing on her heart.

Why would River do this? Simple. The TARDIS is no place to raise a newborn. The Doctor would have stopped running and settled down on Earth to raise Ruby. River knew her time was almost up, but with a child The Doctor would have continued his 24-year vacation and extended it into Ruby’s adulthood. River loves The Doctor for their gallivanting around the universe and saving countless worlds through their travels. The thought that an untold amount of stars in the sky would vanish without The Doctor’s help broke River’s heart: “Maybe The Doctor would never have travelled again” was her fear. Rather than raising Ruby out of a mix of love for Ruby and grief for River, River chose to let The Doctor’s grief of River be their fuel for saving worlds instead. Also, River figured by letting a Ruby live a human life on Earth she would get a quiet and good life that is without Daleks, Cybermen, The Yssgaroth, Weeping Angels, and all the other horrors that The Doctor and his companions deal with. For anyone interested in seeing how I imagine 15 and River’s confrontation about Ruby playing out, I will post a dialogue I wrote between them at the end of this post.

NOW, onto the little easter eggs that I have noticed so far that give credence to Ruby being River’s child:

15’s run has had a ton of talk with Ruby about family and being adopted, The Doctors biological ties are definitely a theme of the season.

Ruby’s initials are R.S. Same as River Song.

As mentioned above, Ruby is born Christmas Eve. 12 and River’s time on Darillium began Christmas Day. The TARDIS chooses coordinates that best suit a Time Lord/Time Lady when a Chameleon Arch is used. I believe The TARDIS chose that time and place as a clue for The Doctor to eventually find Ruby.

Coincidence seems to be forcing Ruby and The Doctor together. Almost as if 15 is the answer to her question about who her actual parents are.

When viewing Ruby’s memory, her hooded mother points at 15 which alters the memory. River and The Doctor’s connection has been shown to transcend laws of time and space before (I.e. 11 being able to see River on Trenzalore and even kiss her projection from the Library).

There is such a pervasive theme of music between 15 and Ruby. The Christmas special kicks this off with a fun musical number which seems innocent enough. Since then, all the talk of music has caused the words “Melody” and “Song” to come up quite a few times in the latest season. The Devil’s Chord episode to me felt like a slap in the face with deliberate wordplay. Timothy Blake begins the episode by discussing melody with Henry Arbinger (and Melody is River’s birth name). Towards the end of the episode Maestro finds “A hidden SONG” in Ruby’s soul. If she is River’s daughter that would literally be her last name.

I listened to the hidden song in Ruby’s soul that she sings before the Christmas music several times. Melodically it is quite similar to the melancholy tune “sung” by the Towers of Darillium in the “Husbands of River Song” special.

In “BOOM” the ambulance could not identify 15 properly as a life form. The ambulance had the same error when trying to identify Ruby’s next of kin.

I think if I am correct, once restored to a Time Lady Ruby gets fatally wounded and regenerates into the next season’s companion. This is why Millie Gibson is only in one season. I think Ruby lives on, just as the new actress Varada Sethu (Also Millie and Varada are both credited in next season’s first episode, perhaps we see the regeneration then?)

Is there any truth to this theory? Ultimately, that is up to Davies. As I said before, for me it will live as true in my head rent-free regardless.

As promised, my headcanon confrontation between 15 and River at the church on Ruby Road

*15 stands in front of the hooded figure on Ruby Road, demanding that she pull down her hood*

15: I know who you are! I know who Ruby is. I just have one question that I cannot understand……..*tears forming in 15’s eyes* WHY…..River…..

*The hooded figure pulls down her hood, revealing the saddened expression of Professor River Song*

River: Hello, sweetie.

15: Why River, why did you hide her away from me?!

River: Do I need to make you a list of reasons a baby on the TARDIS is a horrible idea? Traveling the way you do is no place for a child. And that was my greatest fear. I know that for you, you lost me long ago. If, if you knew we had a child. You would’ve stopped immediately. You’d do the one thing you’d never do in a million years.

15: *Angrily* What’s so —

River: You’d stop running, Doctor. You’d park your TARDIS on some corner of London. You’d sweet talk yourself into a quaint home, in some quiet city. You and her would spend years on Earth while she learns to walk, to speak. Long enough that the day would come that she’s old enough to ask why she doesn’t have a mother. I couldn’t do that, but not just to her or you. Do you have any idea how many worlds would see their final dawn if you are not around to pop in and interrupt some horrible disaster? Why, I couldn’t risk every star in the sky going out due to some mix of love for our child and grief for me!

So I did what was best for her, and best for the universe. I used the arch. I landed here. A time and place where she would grow up to be loved and to have one thing neither of us ever had, a normal life. I gave her the gift of a life free from Daleks, from collapsing stars, from the cold of space. I did that, and then I hid her time lord essence in the safest place I could, the one place you’d never go. Nine months have passed for me but for The Doctor on Darillium, I will return after a few seconds. We still have a few more years to go in the long night, and you haven’t a clue I left. You’re the smartest man I’ve known, but also the stupidest.

15: Well the universe didn’t seem to want us to be apart did it?! Coincidence pushed and pushed until I found her, or she found me, I’m not even sure which happened first. Everywhere we went together there was children, mystery, belonging, family all practically forced into my view. I was the answer to her question. Every time she asked who were real parents were, coincidence nudged my foot in her direction. It nudged and nudged until we found each other, and then the answer to her heart’s song screamed itself out in silence. I was meant to be in her life and I got there…..it, it was just the long way around.

River: In my heart I knew, if anyone could find her with no clue to go on, it would be you. I don’t regret the actions I took to hide her, but I’m so glad you are with her now. You, at least, can know her. My diary is out of pages. I don’t have any room for adventures with my daughter. You Doctor, you have all of time and space. Show it to her! If the universe doesn’t want our daughter to live a life of domestic bliss on Earth, teach her to be the Time Lady that she’s clearly meant to be. For the first time in a long while, you don’t have to be the only one of your people on the TARDIS. You finally don’t have to be alone in this universe, and for that I am so happy.

**The Doctor gently grabs River, holding her in his arms**

15: River…if I could do anything to save you, you know—

**River wipes away her tears and slowly backs away after the embrace**

River: Oh sweetie. Hush now. You and I both know how this works. We’re always rushing by each other in reverse. You have the beginning of the rest of your life with her ahead of you. Me? Well……all I have is the time with you on Darillium. I really must be getting back. Eventually you’ll stop entertaining yourself or impressively monologuing to some poor sap on that planet and notice that the TARDIS is gone. I must be back before then.

**Rivers walks into the distance, fading into the darkness of Christmas Eve night. A lone stream of light appears as she opens the 12th Doctor’s TARDIS. River takes one last look at baby Ruby on the church steps, and then one last look at 15**

River: Until next time Doctor.

15: NEXT time? Wait, River. How in Earth do you mean?

*River grins widely at The Doctor, and says one word before shutting the TARDIS door*

River: Spoilers

*15 stares a long while at the now vacant space of their former lifetime’s TARDIS until the glimmer of an idea appears in their eyes. 15 dashes to their TARDIS. 15 slows their approach as they go deeper and deeper into the halls of the space-and-time-ship until they stop at the door. This is the one door on the TARDIS they refuse to walk by, to even think about. With tears forming in their eyes, they open the door for the first time in centuries. Cautiously they walk into the bedroom that 12 and River shared in their time on Darillium. The room’s lights slowly hum on, the bed still unmade on the side River slept so her imprint can be seen in the sheets. Atop her pillow, rests a Time Lord’s pocketwatch. 15 opens it and hears the hum of a Time Lord soul. Inside it are two holographic pictures, one on each side of the watch: one of River, one of the 12th Doctor. On the bottom of the watch 15 can see something inscribed in the Gallifreyan tongue. It reads a name: Amelia Song*

[szollibisz]

🦾 for owen? <3

🦾 A disability headcanon

Well there's quite a few, mostly post-fall

I think the major ones is that he has a permanent limp after, his left leg being the weaker one (even though they both hurt) and that he has burns on quite a lot of his body.

I try to make my hcs work with what he does in the show, mainly that he can still fight and run, but I personally attribute that to Chimera's inventions. When Owen said they have a little bit of everything and seeing them pioneer new technologies I got the idea they may also be doing something similar with medical techniques and equipment.

I think the fall and the explosion damaged him severely enough that, without these modern technologies he would be in a lot more pain and be able to do a lot less things. But I can also imagine this essentially makes him an experimental guinea pig to the doctors working at Chimera (Who, due to Owen being Owen and never opening up or dealing with his problems are the only ones who know the extent of his condition)

I think out of all the things he suffered through, the thing that bothers him the most during his new missions, besides the chronic pain is the hearing loss. I think he hates having one of his most important senses weakened, because at least his lessened ability to fight is compensated by being a good shooter.

I think because the burns would've constricted him too much he's also been through quite a bit of skin grafting, but all parts have never been grafted because it's too much surface area to take from other places on his body, and mostly they just wanted to improve his mobility and get his back to work as fast as possible.

Since he's such a proud and independent person I think his dignity suffered a lot having to be taken care of so much. He's been injured in the field before, but nothing that would make him completely rely on other people for an extended amount of time. I think due to his grief and anger he often set back his own progress by wanting to go so fast. Those instances reminded him of Curt a lot and just made him angrier.

Overall I think his mental strain was just as great as his physical, and that made him throw himself right back into work and ignore his issues and neglect caring for himself, especially because he needed it then more than ever. yeahhh i could ramble on for a lot more but I won't. But now I really wanna draw post-fall Owen!!!

[nights-wonderland]

Overwatch oc portraits pt 1

Hello everyone, today I present to you part 1 of 3 posts regarding my overwatch ocs and their portraits! I have finally managed to settle on satisfying designs for all of them so I can finally share them all with you!!

I am still working on some lore adjustments and places for them in the world of overwatch, but this is mainly so people will have a clue on who I'm talking about should I post more in the future!

I am more active on my Instagram: nightmare.artist, this is also the place where I tend to drop most of the lore and ideas i have for them!

In order of the portraits are the following ocs: Rachel Jenssen, North Lopez, Aurelia Panagos, Calla Fern, Eleneore Dembele, Atlas Estevan, Chantin Thapa, Louis Maes, Asahi Shimada and Oriana Corvus!

Rachel Jenssen is an ex overwatch agent that left the organisation shortly before the explosion of the Swiss headquarters. She rejoins the organisation after Cole Cassidy reaches out to his old friend and asks her.

North Lopez is a wanted criminal in the new West, they're rivals with Ashe and Cassidy as the two have something to do with the death of their younger siblings. This caused them to spiral in grief filled rage and wanting nothing more than seeing those two dead.

Aurelia Panagos is an old overwatch member that was forced to retire with the fall. She was close with the core members and had to bury those closest to her, she never quite got over that.

Calla Fern, a medic for overwatch that deals alot with the mutation of plants and how they function, she's been blessed with the ability to manipulate plants by her ancestors and puts it to good use. She wishes to create a better world and she does this by creating new forms of medicine.

Eleneore Dembele, better known as Calypso, is a mystery to all. She resides in the seas and protects its life by all means necessary, even going as far as killing people who actively cause it harm. No one really know who she is but the stories surrounding her are terrifying enough that people stay away from her.

Atlas Estevan, a young doctor in training within the newly reformed overwatch headquarters, he is under the supervision of Angela Ziegler and Calla Fern as the two women have taken a liking to the curious young man.

Chantin Thapa, a young girl who possesses powers of a moon god thanks to a cursed artifact she stumbled upon when she was a child. She's in pain most of the time but she manages well with the help of her parents and later with the help of some friends.

Louis Maes, one of Moira's experiments she made out of spite and curiosity of how Genji was rebuild. He was once just a student but is now rebuild to become one of Talon's best, he still has alot to learn but maybe it would be for the best if the young man wasn't in the hands of those who want to cause harm.

Asahi Shimada, the youngest of the three Shimada brothers, the one who was coddled the most and he hated it. He left the clan and abandoned the Shimada name shortly after their father was assassinated. He joined a fight club to get some money and to hide from the public.

Oriana Corvus, who prefers to be called Spark, is someone who doesn't like the government and neither do they like Overwatch, they want peace and equality for all and doesn't tend to listen or take orders. They've been struck by lighting at a young age and now posses the ability to shock others.

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[kyoranrilynth]

More Questions👀

Feel free to like, comment, reblog, send in a question, etc. The plan is to answer them all! Questions Answered Already:

Name: Kyoran Rilynth Race: Drow (Seldarine) Class: Bard (Multi-Rogue) Background: Musician/Performer Pronouns: She/Her Alignment: Neutral Good -> True Neutral Etc.: Only Child and never been an Adventurer, but traveled a lot as a child. ---

Kyoran was walking home from one of the biggest auditions of her life. She had finally been permitted to audition for one of the main stages in Baldur’s Gate. ---

Technically speaking...She romanced Gale first.😅 But something didn’t feel quite right as she and Astarion were always much closer. So, we rerolled the dice and now she’s romancing Astarion.💙 ---

Bestie was Shadowheart. The Struggle™ was Lae’zel. ---

They lost the tieflings on Kyoran’s first run & she was heartbroken to see Bex’s grief over Dannis. (She saved them the 2nd run) However, they still lost Lia the 2nd time & Kyoran felt a sense of grief watching Cal and Rolan fight over their sister’s death.😔 ---

Kyoran returned to performing. She’s been traveling around and playing music on very illustrious stages, and every once in a while her mother has traveled with her as a musician/dancer duo.💙 ---

Yes. Kyoran made friends with a couple of people in the traveling troupe she was in a few years prior to being abducted by the Nautiloid. She also has her mother and father waiting for her as well. She had hoped to visit them before getting grabbed. ---

Her favorite fighting style has to be the dual wielding that she learned from Astarion. However, Kyoran’s favorite magical spell to use would have to be Counter-spell because it allows her to keep herself and her companions safe, like an offensive-defensive spell. ---

Kyoran’s proudest (and most horrifying) moment was likely when she convinced a corrupt doctor to be operated on by his corrupt nurses, which promptly killed the man and provided her and her group safe passage through the facility. She’s still a bit surprised about it.

Kyoran's favorite outfit to travel in is the one you guys see her in most often. The black vest and blue shirt. Her favorite camp apparel is a pair of pants and a corset top, bra, or the really nice embroidered cross top that can be found in Baldur's Gate.

Kyoran loved visiting Last Light Inn, The Grove, and the campsite outside of The Grove. Those had to be her three favorite places to visit before going home to Baldur's Gate.

Kyoran basically told Raphael to "Fuck off." She wasn't about to make a deal with a Devil. Kyoran does not trust Devils and will not make a deal with them despite how good they might sound. She knows what they're all about and she's not keen on putting herself in a position of being indebted to them.

~🎶~🎶~🎶~

Pictures/Questions originally found on Twitter!

[hils79]

2023 Dramas Watched

I watched a lot of dramas last year, but not as many as I did in 2022. It was mostly a good bunch, which is generally why my to watch list is mostly things people have recommended to me (or I've seen gifs on Tumblr that look revlevant to my interests.

I'll put the list under a cut. It's mostly for my reference anyway

1. Vardy v Rooney: A Courtroom Drama - My housemate wanted to watch this because Michael Sheen is in it. I don't even have that excuse, although it's always nice to see him in things. IDK I wasn't obsessively following the court case when it happened, but my boss kept giving us updates because she found it highly entertaining. I think it was just something silly to focus on to distract us all from the shit that's going on in the world. Anyway, the cast were great and it was highly entertaining. I don't think we were supposed to laugh as much as we did but it was kind of ridiculous.

2. Ghost Doctor - This is one I've been group watching with friends over the past few months. It was a lot of fun. A rather silly concept (brilliant surgeon is in a coma after an accident and haunts the hospital where his body is) with a surprising amount of heart to it. I enjoyed it.

3. Dragon Age: Absolution - I loved this! I don't know how well this would stand up if you haven't played the games. It's mostly a stand alone story with a few nods to previous canon. I, however, have played the games and they are pretty much my favourite game franchsise. So, yep, this was great. Very much in the vein of the games. Everyone is gay and it's delightful.

4. The Eclipse - This was okay. It was in a similar vein as Not Me in terms of being a BL drama about social justice, but it lacked the maturity and tight storyline that Not Me had. The two main leads were both excellent it just lost its way a bit towards the end. Still very enjoyable.

5. Welcome to Chippendales - Honestly this show wasn't even on my radar until Jacqui was looking for something to watch and saw it on Disney+. She told me she'd watched a documentary about the founder of Chippendales a while back and gave me a brief synopsis. It was such a wild story that I had to watch this. It was really good! The cast did a phenomenal job

6. About Youth - I'd had this recced to me a while back so when my Saturday group watch gang suggested we watch it I was all in. It was great! Incredibly sweet, occasionally heartbreaking. We all really enjoyed it.

7. Hotel del Luna - I enjoyed this a lot even though I cried WAY more than I was expecting to. I thought it was going to be a wacky comedy about ghosts, and there are lots of funny bits, but there's also a lot about death, grief and making peace with your life. I think I cried at least once in just about every episode. Do rec though. It was good.

8. Roommates of Poongduck 304 - This is one I started group watching before Christmas with some friends and never got around to finishing. It was cute. Nothing amazing, and not one I'd particularly want to watch again but it was fine.

9. Choco Milk Shake - I did enjoy this. It was very cute and funny in places. It was also WAY sadder than I was expecting and I ended up crying a lot. I wish they'd spent a little more time explaining the mechanics of everything (basic premise is a guy's childhood dog and cat come back in human form because he's lonely) and the ending was a little bittersweet. But overall I think I did enjoy it.

10. The Blood of Youth - I absolutely loved this! It had a lot of of the classic wuxia tropes in it, but an interesting enough story that I was hooked. The cast were great, the characters all had fantastic chemistry. I definitely want to check out some of the other dramas the lead has done because he was great.

11. Until We Meet Again - This has been on my to watch list more or less since I started watching East Asian dramas back in 2020. I've been avoiding it because it deals with some quite heavy topics (the premise is two male lovers in the 80s take their own lives because their fathers disapprove of their relationship and in present day they meet again having been reincarnated into two students at the same college) but I'm glad I bit the bullet and finally watched it. It was very sweet, and was all about healing and forgiveness. I liked it a lot. I think Not Me still holds the top spot for my favourite Thai drama but this is a close second

12. The Guest - I really wasn't sure about this one when I watch the first episode. I don't mind TV horror generally but the first episode was a lot and I had to mute it a couple of times because it was freaking me out. Luckily they toned it down a fair amount after that and the rest of it was fantastic! Really enjoyed it. Definitely one of the better dramas that I've watched this year so far. If you're looking for a k-drama that's in the same vein as The Exorcist/The Omen/Supernatural then you'll like this one.

13. Overworking Man - This was a genuinely pleasant surprise. I watched it because the lead is one of my tomb show actors and I had pretty low expectations. I was expecting some sort of cringe sitcom in the same vein as The Office. What I got was a bonkers little web drama full of queer subtext where there's actual character development and life lessons. I really enjoyed it!

14. Midnight Museum - This was a very odd little drama. It was made by GMM who makes a lot of my favourite BL dramas. This one is not a BL, but it uses all of the BL tropes. The two male leads keep talking about how they want to be together forever and they keep risking their lives to save each other. I guess as bros? It starts off as a horror drama (premise is a barista ends up getting a job at a museum that houses cursed objects, which then get stolen, and they have to recover them all) but then halfway through it turns into this weird religious cult thing where they examine the nature of free will vs God's plan. I think I enjoyed it? But it was definitely a bit weird.

15. Cupid's Last Wish - I've been group watching this with some friends over the past couple of months. I enjoyed both leads in A Tale of 1000 Stars which I watched last year. They were good in this too but the story didn't hit quite as hard. It was fine but the ending felt rushed and anticlimactic

16. Sell Your Haunted House - This was really fun. It reminded me a bit of Buffy just in terms of general vibes and ass-kicking female lead. There were some genuinely surprising plot twists and I had a blast watching it

17. Ghost Host, Ghost House - This had a nice twist to it that I didn't figure out until I was partway through. It was cute and interesting.

18. Stupid Boys, Stupid Love - This was cute. I haven't watched much Vietnamese TV and this was very diverse even for a BL drama. There were gay boys, gay girls, height differences (the tall biker girl and her small nerd boyfriend were my favourites), butch women, femme women, bisexuals. The characters were young and, as the title suggests, pretty stupid. But overall it was cute and fun and it was only an hour long in total

19. A League of Nobleman - This was fun. It was quite silly, buckets of queer subtext and some political intrigue thrown in for good measure. It wasn't particularly deep or heavy going but I enjoyed it a lot.

20. Between Us - This is a spinoff/sequel to Until We Meet again. It was very sweet, and I enjoyed my favourite character from UWMA being the main role in this. Didn't quite have the same emotional impact as UWMA but I very much enjoyed it

21. Reset - Finished this while I was at the treehouse last month. It was one we had been group watching and it was nice to get to finish it in person. It was an interesting drama. A lot of unexpected twists which I liked, and a timeloop story is always fun

22. Our Dining Table - Absolutely one of my favourite things that I have watched this year. It was so sweet and soft. Usually I'm not a fan of kidfic but this was really lovely and the kid in question was adorable

23. Tale of the Nine-Tailed 1938 - I was a bit dubious when I heard they were doing a sequel to Tale of the Nine-Tailed but it was perfect. Time travel shenanigans, an awesome woman with a huge sword, brotherly bonding, an OT3 polycule. I had a great time.

24. The Eighth Sense - I liked parts of it. The main couple were cute, the two best friends were awesome. I did not care for the unnecessarily bitchy ex-girlfriend and her best friend who was equally awful. It went a little two hard on the 'everyone must have a happy ending' idea so a bunch of characters ended up getting apologised to who really didn't deserve it

25. Popular Indie Creator Nekoyashiki is Making His Yearning for Approval Worse - This was kind of weird, but also really fun. Everyone was so extra and dramatic but that just tied into the comic themes. I actually really enjoyed it.

26. The King's Avatar - This one got recommended to me literally years ago. Right back when I first started watching Chinese dramas and asked for recs. I definitely should have watched it sooner I absolutely adored it. Like I want to write fic levels of adored it. It had such a good group of characters, found family feels all over the place and was just generally soft and lovely.

27. My School President - A very sweet high school BL drama. I wasn't massively emotionally invtested in it but I enjoyed it

28. Love Tractor - Absolutely adorable! It's just very soft and I enjoyed this so much I watched it a second time so I could show it to one of my friends

29. The Director Who Buys Me Dinner - Got to love a drama where the premise is 'if we don't date you will die'. It was funny, but also kind of heavy with one of the protagonists being immortal and the the other being a reincarnation of his dead lover.

30. Oh No! Here Comes Trouble - I don't watch a lot of Taiwanese dramas but this was fantastic! Really funny, also really tragic, and full of really interesting folklore. I loved it!

31. Mysterious Lotus Casebook - Hands down one of my favourite dramas of this year. I keep toying with wanting to write fic for it but I haven't quite got there yet. I loved the cast, I loved the story. I was wonderful.

32. Moonlight Chicken - I really enjoyed that this was a BL drama about actual adults instead of the usual ones about high school or college students. I'd seen the two leads in a couple of other dramas and I really enjoyed them in this too

33. Goblin - This is one of those dramas that gets recommended to me all the time so I finally sat down and watched it. I enjoyed it, but probably not my favourite. I think the whole 'immortal being falls in love with high school student' would have resonated with me more in my Buffy fandom days.

34. Cross Fire - Apparently this year is the year I watch all the esports dramas. This was nothing at all like what I expected. It had loads of twists that I didn't see coming and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

35. Our Flag Means Death S2 - Loved it. Just what I wanted from a second series. No notes.

36. Good Omens S2 - It was fine. I enjoyed it. It's not one of those dramas that I go feral for but the two leads are fun and it had some nice surprises.

37. He's Coming to Me - A very sweet BL that doesn't entirely resolve the fact that one of the protagonists is dead but it's left with an openly hopeful ending.

38. Stay By My Side - Another sweet ghost related story but both protagonists are alive in this one. One of them can hear ghosts, and the voices only go away if he touches his roommate. Feelings happen. It's adorable.

39. Strong Woman Do Bong Soon - I think I expected to enjoy this more than I did, but I think my disatisfaction comes from me wanting the drama to be resolved with an OT3. Instead there was just a lot of queer baiting where the two men almost kissed but they were drunk so no homo.

40. Fairyland Lovers - I was way more invested in the side couple than I was in the main storyline. The main couple really didn't interest me at all even though one of them was Bai Yu.

[the-judicial-assistants-notebook]

Massive TGAA/DGS spoilers ahead!!

You, know, I've never really thought about them keeping the original twist (I was very shocked when they even implied it HAHA), and I get why you like it, but I think I'm ultimately glad they didn't do that. Not only because it would have flushed ALL respect I had left for Mikotoba down the toilet, but also because I don't think?? they would have discussed it all that deeply??? I feel like the game just did not have the time or space to give that sort of plot point the focus it would need, and we sort of get a glimpse as to how Susato herself would handle it if they did. She would just... accept it, as she has always done, as is what is expected for her.

When the truth of Iris not being a Mikotoba is revealed, Susato is very calm. Her previous outrage and confusion (which in itself was relatively muted considering the circumstances) are pretty much allayed, and she says (paraphrasing because I don't remember the exact quote) that she is slightly disappointed because she thought she had gained a sister. And I think that's how she would have seen it if it had been true.

See, Susato has lived her entire life being the epitome of the ideal Japanese lady, which includes never quite questioning her "betters", of whom her father is very much included. Despite what Mikotoba has done to her, I don't think Susato sees any of it as flaws on his part or even views herself as a victim. I certainly do, but if we're looking at Susato herself, I think she's largely made peace with the person her father is. He's a brilliant man, a respectable doctor who had an international education, he gave her the same opportunity which is far above what most men during the time would do, the partner of a genius detective whom she admires and respects inordinately and he listens to her, again, far above how most fathers would treat their daughters. In light of that, him leaving when she was a baby is trifling. He still came back. He still stayed with her for most of her life. So what if it wasn't wholly his decision to do so? Most fathers are even more distant. So what if he took another lover after her mother's death? Most husbands have mistresses while their wives still breathe. She's lucky. Her father is a bright, kind and good man who just so happened to abandon her because he couldn't see past his own grief to the small, sobbing bundle who was orphaned before she even understood what the word meant and then had to contend with being replaced by a boy (she loves Kazuma. She does.) when she did. She has a sort-of brother and now a sort-of sister. Her family is larger than she could have imagined -- what does it matter if her closest blood is a stranger who lies to her at every turn he can? He keeps her clothed and fed and educated and lets her believe she's loved. She's lucky.

If the game had kept the Iris Mikotoba twist, I don't think it would have been made a large deal of, personally. In fact, I don't think Susato would know what to do with her father's remorse if it had been given to her. I think him placing a fine point on it would actually ruin her more than if he had addressed it because it would force her to confront how poorly she was actually treated by a father whom she has always seen as being good and kind and generous. Not that I don't think she knows that, but more that I don't think she wants to confront it. Her father and her relationship with him exist in this nebulous space of distant contentment in Susato's mind, and I think that's where she'd like to keep it. It's not in her nature to expect more of him, not in her culture, and I believe she's made peace with that. He is her father. Regardless of the liberties he has afforded her, she still thinks of him as her better. I think having him behave in a way that lowers himself before her would be strange and uncomfortable to her. Would it be nice to see Yuujin apologise for what he's done? Sure. Do I think their relationship would improve as a result of that? After much time and deliberation on Susato's part, yes (because I do think she'd forgive him if he asked. It'd be difficult and unpleasant to her, but she'd forgive him and mean it). But the game would never show that, and we'd only see the aftermath if at all I think, which I feel would be a little disappointing. So, all in all, I think I'm glad that entire plot was handled the way it was. I think they did what they could, kept it very faithful to the characters and left enough room for speculation on its effects for the player to decide.

And, you know, I personally think he still ran away that second time even though Iris isn't actually his daughter. He named her after his dead wife, this establishing a connection between them, and then just went ok that's another baby so im out holmes good luck bye 👋 o7 (okay this is me being unfair because he didn't actually have a choice this second time, but like. still.)

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Re-Watch of Try, Part 2

Here is the continued discussion of @galadrieljones's thoughts on 5x15, Try. Read Part 1 HERE.

@wdway:

@galadrieljones, I really enjoyed reading this. It's been so long that it was good to have a recap of episode and you're so right, there is so much in that one episode. The other thing is, yes, we picked this episode apart when it aired but now we have a lot more understanding of how they were using certain symbols and so it's always good to go back and take another look. I always enjoy reading your impressions of these episodes because you're seeing it from fresher eyes.

@twdmusicboxmystery:

Same and agreed. It's been a long time since I went back and watched most of the episodes from S5, other than just small tidbits to get screenshots and such.

@galadrieljones:

Thanks!! I’m glad it was enlightening, even though the episode is quite old. It’s been a while since I revisited season 5. My first impression of season 5 when I first watched it was that it was very bizarre, sort of unsatisfying, but in a very interesting way. The episodes and storylines felt very disparate from one another. There was Terminus, Grady, the strangeness of Coda, then a hard reset, weird liminal episodes WHAWGO and Them.

There’s this whole new setting with Alexandria, a weird little side quest for Rick, who is just a literal madman, totally out of his mind, going full wolf on everybody’s asses, and the only person who can control him is Michonne. It’s the beginning for them. Season 5 sees a lot of just sad, sad death. Bob, Beth, Tyreese, Noah, Aidan, Reg, Pete. That’s a lot of characters. 5b is SO MUCH about grief, and how we deal with our grief. Carol, in her undercover housewife LARP, makes a casserole for Deanna’s family after Aidan to “keep up appearances.”

Deanna lights her note on fire after the family sits and listens to an absolutely creepy Nine Inch Nails song, which had been on Aidan’s mixed CD. Sasha is hunting walkers, in full blown disarray, Glenn’s entire world is upside down, as Maggie is losing heart after Beth, becoming sad and bitter, and he needs hope, like just needs it, because that’s the kind of person he is. Rick, meanwhile, has gone insane. I truly think he’s out of his mind with PTSD, ever since he bites that guy’s throat out in “A.”

When he starts brandishing that gun in the middle of Alexandria, pointing it at random, innocent civilians, covered in blood, talking grandiose, all over one drunk who he perceives as an existential threat to the lives and liberty of this place, which he has been enlisted to protect and serve, which he fixes to reign over as a despot should they all refuse to “see the light” of his “contributions,” it’s like, he’s just crazy.

And I get it. Like imagine going from narrowly escaping cannibals, seeing one of your people get literally cannibalized, watching your brother’s girlfriend get shot and then losing her in circumstances that are so traumatic, they’ve been completely repressed, watching Carl almost get sexually assaulted, watching Tyreese bleed out and give up, biting a guys throat out, etc etc.

Then, you’re in a suburban neighborhood and your greatest nemesis is some asshole doctor who boozes up and hits his wife. I mean. I would also go insane. While 5a is totally woolly, like there are cannibals, explosions, this insanely weird hospital of horror, the church in the woods, etc. etc., it’s also a return. They go BACK to Atlanta, and then they leave again, forever. How can that be? I wonder if/how they’ll ever go back.

Then, 5b is just a full on departure. I wonder what the reviews were like. I know I read that many people were confused by the Grady storyline, thought it was truncated, etc. I mean it’s completely unfinished.

They just leave this hospital, full of cops, after killing their leader, and Beth is dead, and then we just like never hear about it or her again. We don’t see her funeral. There is no closure. Where I think season 4 shows off Gimple’s ability to orchestrate masterful narratives through simple, beautiful, and disparate short stories, season 5 shows his willingness to just go off the rails and to take enormous risks.

I feel that much of what we learn and see in season 5 has yet to be paid off. It’s interesting to think about how the Terminus arc was foreshadowed overtly all the way back in 4.4 Indifference, when the gang hears their broadcast on the way home from the university, then how it was the main drawstring and driving force for 4b. It then turned out to be a rather compact storyline in season 5, which is completely solved in a couple of episodes.

Meanwhile, Grady, which is not hinted at overtly in any way, aside from a strange car with a medical cross on the back window, involves completely disappearing a character for six episodes, across a major hiatus, then killing that character inexplicably. Yet, there are only three total episodes that explore the interior of Grady.

It truly feels like a glimpse into another world. It punches through for just a moment, then it disappears, and we just never talk or hear about it again, until Greg Nicotero randomly reveals one day that, oh, yeah, they’re all dead, haha. Like, what? Why? Come again? We know the CRM kills its threats without thinking twice, and we know the Reapers have pillaged hospitals before, and that Pope has a (very BAD, but still) Southern accent. We know so much, and yet so little. I guess what I’m saying is, season 5 is very weird, because so much of its imagery and plot arcs are disparate. They come and go out of nowhere.

The Wolves are foreshadowed in 5.9. We see a couple in 5.16, and then they don’t meaningfully arrive until 6.2. They feel like an extension of Morgan’s arc, which has been bubbling under the surface since “Clear.” And the wolf imagery is so strange.

Dismembered bodies, with torsos in one place, limbs elsewhere. Walkers with Ws carved into their foreheads. Loud music, much of it heralded by a mystery man in a red cloak who just…dies? All of this coming in line with all this bizarre, loud red imagery that begins with Coda: the red flag, the red fire engine, the red balloon, the red wagon, etc. etc.

Then the season ends on Rick proving his point, Reg having his throat accidentally slit by Michonne’s sword (similar to what happened to Hershel), then Deanna basically going off and ordering Rick to shoot Pete in the head, in the middle of Rick’s like, monkey trial?? That’s crazy! Like that’s totally insane.

I remember at first thinking it was just totally haphazard. It felt like the writing was last minute, but now I know that’s just an effect of Gimple throwing in as much weird ass symbolism as he could, which he planned to make good on MUCH later, before moving on with the larger arc, which would span multiple seasons and ring in the end of Gimple’s time as showrunner and Andrew Lincoln’s run as the protag, ie: Negan. In season 6, we do find out the wolves are just like these reaver types.

They’re not organized. They’re not part of some greater cabal. They seem to be a lot like the enemies that the British voice describes on the radio in WHAWGO. They attack a village, pillage it for what they can, kill everyone, then leave. But as a problem for the team, they’re solved in like, a single episode, by like, a single character (Carol). And so, just like Terminus, it’s this HUGE build-up, and then Carol comes along and initiates the solution, the threat is eliminated, and they’re just like never mentioned again.

The Wolves feel almost like this Jungian thing, like a psychological predator manifested into reality. Like Rick’s bad energy incarnate, and it’s only too fitting that he’s not there when they attack. Anyway, I’m rambling again. What I’m trying to say is that season 5 has very weird, bizarre, and disparate vibes. It is not cohesive.

Upon a first marathon, it feels haphazard, like the writers just threw something together very quickly, and that they didn’t know what to do. But after everything that’s happened, and upon revisiting it many years later, you can see that there is a clear plan all along, it’s mostly a season about trauma, with enemies that feel as much psychological as they are physical and environmental. Magical storms, Biblical droughts, roving bands of murderous dogs, cannibals, reavers.

But then there’s Grady! Which features only Beth, and a host of new characters. It feels like the beginning of a massive plot arc, but it’s not. It completely disappears, and nobody ever talks or thinks about it ever again. It SEEMS like it should be more important than that, but then it’s just truncated, and I can see why people thought they killed off Beth at the last minute, because it does sort of feel that way if you’re not watching closely. ANYWAY. Sorry I’m just sitting here with my kids today, typing lol.

So actually I’m going to ramble a BIT more LOL. I have been considering Maggie and Daryl and how their grief impacts the storyline as heroes, secondary to to Rick.

Maggie acts out her grief loudly, imposing it on the world. She runs away, then returns, and so many of her choices, as a leader during AOW, then after the Whisperer War, are driven by rage and vengeance. Glenn is mentioned often. He can’t be forgotten, because she will not let him be forgotten. He is fully fleshed out yet again via Hershel. She shouts Glenn’s name from the rooftops with her actions, and she is responsible for like more than half of Negan’s entire arc. Glenn’s death is felt, through Negan, even in Maggie’s absence.

Meanwhile, Daryl NEVER speaks of Beth. He barely speaks at all Every choice Daryl makes after Beth’s death seems to be a product of him trying to save Beth, over and over, all by himself; OR, as we see in season 8, a product of him trying to forget her, which he only achieves through forgetting his humanity. Daryl fights for other ppl, never himself. Beth is manifested in the psychology of his every storyline, which always manifests in loss, from Denise to Glenn to Dwight to Henry and Connie and finally Leah, the grand reprise. But it’s always inside his head.

It’s just a symbol to us, always implicit, never never explicit. Maggie would have dedicated her life to bringing down Grady. If it had been Glenn killed at Grady, she would have found out about the CRM in four episodes. But because it’s Beth, and Beth belongs to Daryl, everything from her cause of death to what comes after, is internalized and then expressed only in the symbolic, the psychological, the cerebral and reimagined, because it’s all just living inside of Daryl who never talks about her or his grief with anyone.

So now like I’m so excited to get his spin-off. With him at the absolute center, maybe we can finally get to the bottom of what happened to Beth and what is going on with the CRM.

In a way, that strange shot we get of Beth’s arm, the blood, and gun, which is one of the few shots from Coda that seems to be filtered through Daryl’s POV, is a perfect encapsulation of how we see Beth cropping up in the storyline after Coda. In impressionistic fragments, always through Daryl, who both cannot speak or think of her directly, because of the pain it causes him, and yet who feels her unmistakable influence around the edges of everything he thinks, says, and does.

@wdway:

I always love your long rambles. I'm a little under the weather today and this has been such a nice unexpected gift this stormy afternoon. I love your comparison between Maggie and Daryl. I've never quite thought of it that way but it's perfect. Maggie won't let Glenn be forgotten and Daryl is silent in his grief. Poor Daryl. He deserves some happiness.

@twdmusicboxmystery:

Same. This was so fun to read. It's always great to revisit past seasons, especially in light of all the new stuff we'll get this year.

[felicitykings]

In hindsight it's probably not as heartbreaking but hear me out:

Owen is so angry over his death and wants to go down screaming in rage because he finally got to terms with his undead status and has a chance to live again and do more good until his conversation with Tosh calms him down. When he smiles, it's because he finally gets to have the death he was supposed to when he first died, which is why he says it's alright, both to comfort her and because its a bit of a comfort to him. But he still says "Oh, God" quietly because at the end of it all, he doesn't want to die. The last thing he hears is Tosh saying his name, which probably meant loads to him.

Which makes it all the more sad because Tosh died knowing that the man she loved died again and there was no resurrecting him this time around. Even she died smiling because even though she never got to see Owen one last time, she got to see Jack- the person who changed her life for the better.

Omg, I just realised they never saw each other in death, the last time Tosh & Owen saw each other they were thinking its another day at work we'll see each other when it's all over.

I also headcanon that the team went back to get Owen's body and the two are buried next to each other as a last favour from the team. They never got to be together when they were alive but they could be together in death.

Also, that's why I think it was good quality because its all about how much potential they had, both as individuals and together, they could've kept going but the universe had other plans. Torchwood showed the grief that Doctor Who touches upon, (the death of characters in the background who save the world & had loved ones etc)

That was a very long one but what do you think?

I think there's a great parallel with owen here from a few episodes back where he thinks he's going to die again in 2x08. he says his goodbyes to each of the team and saves tosh for last. and once again, he is quite content for her comforting voice to be the last voice he ever hears😭

the amount of strength it most have taken him to remain calm in his actual final moments though is incredible and I think it really goes to show just how much he cares about tosh that he was able to do that just to spare her feelings.

it will haunt me forever that owen died not knowing that tosh was also bleeding out miles away from him and that tosh died knowing owen was gone. and they were both using their final moments to comfort the other one. tosh let owen die thinking she was okay, and owen died peacefully and calmly so as to not break tosh's heart.

and the last time they actually saw each other was them leaving yet another disaster where they could have died and owen doing his best to support tosh and make sure she's okay, helping her walk and medically treating her. neither of them knew what was coming 😭😭

there's sort of a tragic beauty in them going together though because you're right. they never got a shot to be together while alive but in a way they do get to be together in death, whatever that means on this show. and truthfully with all their friendship/relationship development in s2, I don't think one of them would have been able to survive losing the other one. so it's almost for the best that if one had to go, the other one followed. I would like to think they could physically be put to rest together but given owen's death, its highly unlikely there'd be a body to recover. but I do agree that if there were, the team would put tosh and owen close together.

yes! I think there's a general premise with torchwood that they don't have the magic fixes there are in doctors who. our characters die and they have to deal with hard consequences. even in doctor who, tragic fates can be undone or the blow will be softened somehow (rose getting her own doctor, clara being able to for infinity before going back to her death). our torchwood team doesn't have this. even the resurrection gauntlet which seems like a fix came with heavy unwanted strings.

the missed potential of tosh and owen to have any kind of relationship is another one of those consequences and another form of grief for them to deal with. the team are very damaged by what they do and almost hold themselves back from truly opening up to others. even jack and ianto don't really get to 'commitment' because jack is terrified of getting so close and losing ianto due to his immortality. and owen and tosh too hold themselves back due to their own different issues and death rips any chance they may have had away from them TWICE and its just a full tragedy.

[walkingstackofbooks]

@s-sputnik-k #I like to hc Julian has chronic pain and his pain tolerance is pretty high#which I think would also fit with why he related to melora so much and could read her so well

Ohhhh. Oh I'm taking this headcanon, heck yeah!

... I was going to write a little addendum to this with your hc in mind, but it kind of ended it up sprawling into an actual ficlet - thanks for the brainworms!

Jadzia asks him to describe what happened in more detail, and he talks about the constant bite underneath his skin, the shooting growing pains, the headaches and brain fog...

"For two whole months?" she asks, horrified. He shrugs, not quite meeting her gaze.

"The worst of it, yes... But, uh, some of it stayed. After I left the hospital."

"For how long?" Miles butts in, anger rising in his throat. Why had Julian never said any of this before? Being tortured at six years old isn't something he should just be brushing off!

"I mean, it's hard to say, exactly," says Julian. "Over time, you kind of learn to tune it out, so I've never quite been sure how much it's diminished since I was a child, or how much I've simply become better at dealing with it. Or, for example, it got worse during my stay with the Dominion, but I don't know why - you know, if the conditions there added something new, or if the physical discomfort made the old stuff flare, or if the actual pain was the same but my perception of it changed, and it was just mentally more difficult to manage. Sorry, that wasn't a very good answer..."

"Fuck," Miles says, just as Jadzia breathes out, "Julian..."

Neither of them can continue. How do you reply to something like that? Instead, Jadzia pulls him forward into a hug, holding him carefully as though he might break, feeling him tense for a millisecond before relaxing into her embrace.

"Is this okay?" she asks. She doesn't want to hurt him anymore than he has been.

For a few more seconds, he doesn't reply, and then he pulls back, a small smile on his lips. "Thank you," he says. "I think I needed that."

She wants to hold on to him for longer, wants to show him his fiercely he is loved, but Julian is drawing his hands back into himself now, standing up tautly.

"Julian," Miles starts, eyes locked into his friend. "Are you still in pain - now, I mean - from what-- what happened to you, back then?"

Julian smiles again, shaking his head. "You don't have to be worried about me, Chief," he says. "It was a long time ago. Like I say, I've learnt to deal with it."

Miles' heart, already swollen with grief for his friends, has got stuck somewhere between his lungs and his mouth. "I-- Julian," he stutters. "Julian, no - that's not... You shouldn't--"

"Julian, of course we're concerned," Jadzia cuts in. "You're telling us you've been suffering the aftereffects of torture on your own for years. That's--"

"Torture?" Julian asks, laughing nervously. "That's a little hyperbolic, wouldn't you say?"

Jadzia frowns, unable to stop herself from reaching forward and taking Julian's hands into her own. "No," she says seriously. "No, I think that's exactly what you were put through. Torture."

"Jadzia, my parents did their research, they found a decent doctor," Julian replies gently, as though explaining something overly obvious. "I know I don't think incredibly highly of them, but they were still my parents. They'd never have let me be 'tortured'."

Jadzia looks over to Miles, at a loss, and Miles shakes his head wordlessly. He doesn't want to touch that statement with a bargepole, doesn't have any idea how Julian would react if they started poking at that belief.

"No matter what you call it," he says hesitantly, "it shouldn't have happened to you, Julian."

"I know," Julian replies solemnly, and Miles relaxes just a fraction. "It was illegal," he adds.

Miles and Jadzia both stare at him.

"No, Julian!" Miles exclaims. "Not because it's illegal! Because it hurt you! They were supposed to be your parents--"

"They didn't know!" Julian replies hotly. "They weren't there, I-- I guess the hospital didn't let them stay, I-I don't know, but--" He stops, breathing heavily.

"They didn't know," he repeats, more softly. "It wasn't their fault. They didn't-- They... They couldn't have known..."

Miles is shaking with barely-contained rage: he is trying very hard not to punch something because this isn't about him. But god...

"Why didn't you tell us before?" he asks hoarsely. Why didn't I know before? he thinks. How could I not tell? Why have I never asked you?

"I don't know," Julian says blankly. "It just... never seemed relevant, I guess. And I really thought you knew that it had hurt on Adigeon Prime. That's just-- Well." He chuckles, the sound sending shivers across Jadzia's skin with how out-of-place it seems. "I guess I forgot how that kind of pain might seem like a big deal if you're not used to it. But really, Miles, I'm fine."

Miles opens his mouth as though he's about to object, but Jadzia catches his eye, and gives a small shake of her head. Julian's had a lifetime to tell that story to himself; it's not going to come undone in one conversation, and she doesn't want to push it now, in case it pushes him away.

"Alright," she says, meeting his eyes steadily. "But... But if you ever start feeling not fine - or if you ever want to talk about this some more - you know where we are, okay? Even if it 'doesn't seem relevant'. We're here for you."

Julian grins. "Oh, I know that," he replies easily.

Miles takes a seat on the sofa, dropping down heavily onto the cushions. They've all been standing around, frozen in place by the conversation, and he suddenly feel very, very tired.

"Come here," he tells Julian roughly, holding out an arm.

"Miles, I'm fi--"

"Well I'm not," Miles says shortly. "So if it's okay with you, I'd like it if you came over here and let me hug you." Realising how that might sound to Julian, he quickly adds a firm "Not that you have to, of course--", but Julian has already sat down beside him by the time he finishes his sentence.

Julian takes his hand and squeezes it lightly. "You're a good friend," he says, and turns to look at Jadzia. "You both are."

"And you're a pain in my ass," Miles replies with a grumble, even as he pulls Julian tightly into his arms, his friend curling up against him as though it was as natural as a game of darts.

Julian snorts. "And here I was thinking that you loved me," he retorts, humming contentedly as Jadzia sits down next to them and reaches out to brush her fingers through his hair.

Who'd do a stupid thing like that? Miles considers teasing, but bites it back: he can't say it now, even as a joke.

"Yeah," he finds himself agreeing gruffly. "I guess I do."

Jadzia raises her eyebrows at him in surprise, then shrugs, smiling down at Julian sadly.

"We all do, Julian," she tells him softly. "We all love you."

I just want someone to ask Julian if it hurt, when he was enhanced.

You know, just for one of his friends to have really think about what having such drastic bodily changes might include, and what having the procedure done in a place without Federation medical standards might mean...

(Perhaps Keiko or Miles have a moment when they've taken Molly to the infirmary and Julian is reassuring her that it will only hurt a little bit--

Or Odo had been wanting to discuss Dr Mora with someone who might understand a little of what he went through, and ends up noticing that Julian seems to be relating to his past far more than he expected--

Or Ezri overhears some remark Julian makes to Sarina about how he goes his infirmary feels far safer than the ones their parents had left them in--

Or Garak realises why he doesn't feel like deriding the book that Julian has chosen this week, despite the fact that the plot of Matilda is absurdly ridiculous--)

...And maybe Julian would reply that no, it didn't hurt. There's no canonical evidence, as far as I'm aware, and his parents did find a 'decent doctor', after all.

But I think he'd get a funny, unfocused look in his eyes for a few moments, before saying, "No-one's ever asked me that before."

"And? Did it?" they might ask softly, a little unsure if they actually want to hear the answer.

And Julian would frown: appearing puzzled, though, rather than troubled.

"Of course," he'd reply. "I'd thought that was obvious."

[jianghuchild]

WIP Wednesday

Funny story: if any of you have watched Guo Ba Yin (i.e. if you were in China in the 90s probably), you know it ends with the male lead being implied to have died. Here's the thing: I'm pretty sure he got diagnosed in canon with ALS? But the medication he gets is neostigmine, which is used for myasthenia gravis. Which, while a serious disorder, isn't quite a fatal.

Basically this inspired a fix-it where they discover he was misdiagnosed and he has to deal with living for longer than he thought he was going to.

The reason I'm now posting this is that 1) I don't think I'm ever gonna finish it, 2) it's quite non-existent fandomwise, so there's not much point posting on ao3, and 3) I realized that his on-screen symptoms actually do match MG, the doctors never say the words ALS, and this was an age where MG could have been terminal. So I'm not sure how much of a fix-it this would be in canon anyway.

(Btw, this is the show I made my first and only ever video edit for.)

Title: And die...? | 就死，吗？

Jia Ling bites her lip, feet tucked under herself. She’s moved back to the dorm after breaking up with Charlie, and honestly it isn’t too bad. Both Du Mei and Fang Yan have been more than supportive, and…

Right. Fang Yan. Jia Ling twists the empty vial in her manicured fingers. Her nail traces the edge of the label. After a moment, she comes to a decision. Jia Ling pushes herself off her bed and picks up the phone down the hall. She dials the number and waits for it to ring.

“Yes?”

“Du Mei. Is Fang Yan there?”

A pause. Du Mei insists she’s forgiven her, but the betrayal probably still stings. No, Jia Ling knows it does. “He’s gone to bed. Did you need something?”

“Listen, can I come over tomorrow? I need to speak. To both of you,” she adds. She’d prefer to only speak to Fang Yan—she knows how Du Mei can get worked up over these things—but the thought of seeing him alone makes Jia Ling’s skin crawl with self-loathing.

Another pause, this one less wary. “Alright. Come over at five. I’ll make dinner.”

[...]

Fang Yan dislikes himself. Not hate, he’s not so dramatic as that. (Or maybe he is, considering the charade he pulled with Jia Ling. Maybe Du Mei just brings out the drama in him.)

Anyway the point is that he used to like himself. He’s not a fool, he knows he’s good-looking, that he’s charming and can get girls to like him. But he also dislikes that about himself. That he’s caused Du Mei so much grief.

“So,” Du Mei starts, in that way she does when she doesn’t want him to know something’s bothering her, which is often these days, “Jia Ling is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Fang Yan presses his lips together and quashes a jolt of anxiety. For a second he thinks, What’s she playing at now? But immediately he feels guilty for it, and only says, “Ah.” He won’t spend his last few years fighting with the woman he loves.

[...]

Jia Ling twists her fingers while Du Mei busies herself with a platter of fruit. Fang Yan fiddles with a cigarette but doesn’t light it, elbows on his knees. Du Mei sets down the fruit with a clatter and seats herself in the cavity of Fang Yan’s side.

“What did you want to talk about?” she asks Jia Ling.

Jia Ling bites her lip. “When…” Her eyes dart up to meet Fang Yan’s, then down again. “When Fang Yan was at my place,” and here she shifts in her seat, and Fang Yan closes his arm around Du Mei’s waist, “he had an episode.” She falls silent.

“Yes,” he prompts her, “I remember. You gave me a shot.”

Jia Ling twists this way and that, opens her mouth again and again.

“Oh, bother,” she blurts. “Du Mei, see here.” She presses something into his wife’s hand. “This is what I gave him.”

Du Mei opens her palm. It’s a tiny vial, the contents empty. On the label Fang Yan barely makes out the words Xin Si Di Ming.

“I don’t know why, or what I was thinking,” Jia Ling rambles, “And I thought long and hard whether I should tell you, because I don’t want to get your hopes up, and I could be wrong, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t—”

“Jia Ling.”

Fang Yan’s heart stutters. His wife—his darling wife, who cries and never holds back—sounds close to tears. She takes two shuddering breaths against his side, and Fang Yan hates himself because he can do nothing but run his hand along her arm.

“You gave him this? You’re sure?”

“It came out of that vial exactly.”

“Why?”

Jia Ling shrugs helplessly. “It came from the hospital. By all accounts, it was misprescribed. But it worked.”

Fang Yan’s head is all mist. “What’s going on?”

“Please, Du Mei.” Jia Ling presses their hands together. “I really, really don’t want to get your hopes up.”

“I understand.” Du Mei offers a watery smile. “Thank you.”

Jia Ling nods a little uncertainly and gets up. She gives Fang Yan a complicated look—one he can’t quite decipher—and leaves, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Du Mei bursts into tears. Fang Yan scrambles, repositions them on the couch so he’s holding her fully.

“Hey, whoa, alright, hush now.” He strokes her back as she wraps herself around his waist and burrows, shaking like a leaf in his arms. “Hey now.” He softens his voice, lowers his chin to get a look at her. “What’s wrong?”

Du Mei pulls away. She sniffs violently and swipes at her face with the back of her hand, then turns to grab her jacket.

“Where are you going?” Fang Yan makes to get up, but his leg buckles beneath him. Du Mei is at his side immediately, helping him into his coat.

“We’re going to the hospital.” Fang Yan grabs her fumbling fingers. Du Mei fixes dark, watery eyes on him. “Neostigmine doesn’t work for ALS. You’ve been misdiagnosed.”

And she says it with such conviction, and suddenly Fang Yan is thinking of the day they first got married, walking into an empty classroom and the way she said, You love me and that’s enough, with the exact same certainty.

“I went to three different hospitals,” he tells her, softly, because he doesn’t want her to break. “They all said the same thing.”

“Then why did they give you neostigmine?” Her curls swing about with the force of her shaking head. “We’ll go to the hospital. If they don’t get it right, we’ll go to another one.”

“Alright.” Fang Yan stoops down and stills the hands tugging shoes onto his feet. “But let’s go tomorrow, hm? I’ll hardly die overnight.”

Du Mei glares. “Don’t you dare say that.”

[...]

The doctor rubs his face. “Curious,” he murmurs. “Yes, very curious.”

“Well, doc? Spit it out.”

“Fang Yan.”

“Come on, am I dying or not?”

“Well,” he begins, “You’re right that neostigmine isn’t usually given for ALS. Whoever wrote it for you made a mistake.” He squints at the report. “You know, medical intuition is a funny thing. The way your symptoms present themselves are almost textbook ALS. But there must have been something to make them give you neostigmine.”

Fang Yan clicks his tongue. “Come on, now. Give it to me straight.”

The doctor waffles a little more. “We’ll need to do more tests.”

[...]

A week later, the verdict comes. “Myasthenia gravis. Considering the aggressive onset of your symptoms, I’m not surprised you got misdiagnosed, even by three different hospitals.” The doctor offers Fang Yan a small smile. “It also has no cure, but unlike ALS, it’s not a death sentence.”

“A war of attrition,” Du Mei says. Her arms circle his shoulders tightly.

“Precisely.”

“So, what?” Fang Yan asks. “Ten years, eight years? Three, five?”

“No, no.” The doctor removes his tiny glasses, wipes them on the edge of his sleeve, and perches them back on his nose. “The prognosis is quite good. I would keep an eye on symptom progression”–this he addresses to Du Mei–“given the unusual onset, but otherwise you can expect to lead a more or less normal life, given proper and timely treatment.”

“A normal life…”

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 260

American Nightmare/Heaven Sent

“American Nightmare”

Plot Description: after several victims are shipped to death by an unseen force, Sam and Dean begin to suspect a deeply religious family that lives off the grid

EXCUSE ME?? We’re getting season 2 flashbacks in the recap?? Back to when Sam had psychic powers???

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: yeah, I just don’t see myself as someone who would receive the stigmata

Mmmm, fake stigmata. She had no side wounds

Dean, no. Do not discount your feelings on this. It’s WEIRD to have your mom back like this, and it’s NORMAL to feel awkward about how things are going and how she left

Ugh…these writers do know how to twist a knife some days. Turns out the dead woman worked for child protective services and when the boys asked her former subordinate if she had any enemies she said “you don’t make a lot of friends when sometimes the best thing you can do for a family is split them up” in front of DEAN?? Yeah, he’s mad about that

You get used to the suits when they’re pretending to be fbi agents, and clergy uniforms when they’re pretending to be priests, but you never quite get used to the chunky sweaters when they have to be child psychologists or cps workers

Is……is that the dead daughter?? Actually alive and locked in the basement???

This family is so fucked up.

Dean, don’t do this. This random Wiccan woman is not the problem here.

Pfffffft, Sam not even really knowing if he’s psychic any more

What if the mom’s lying about if the daughter caused the accident?

SHE PUT RAT POISON IN THEIR FOOD??? And stabbed the son????? Bestie, your daughter is not the devil, you were going to murder your whole family.

Awww. Dean’s done some thinking about how Mary’s thinking

Oh…I remember that tattoo from a different episode. Ugh. The London Men of Letters are so fucking annoying.

“Heaven Sent”

Plot Description: trapped in a world unlike any other, the Doctor faces the greatest challenges of his lives

I’ve got an hour and 20 minutes to watch this 54 minute episode…

I wish they’d cut down on his soliloquies, though I suppose with Clara no longer around he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to

Ooooooo, he is unnerved by whatever’s following him

He’s got some…um…interesting philosophies “if they threaten you with death, show them who’s boss. Die faster”: how to deal with being in a torture chamber

So……and I can’t believe I’m gonna say this. In fact, I hate that I will…the TARDIS is also a little bit the Doctor’s mind palace. He uses it differently than Sherlock, but the same basic concept is there

I’m sure, in due time, this’ll be interesting…but I’m just not feeling it. It’s just the Doctor being clever to an imaginary audience on his side of the fourth wall who it seems he’s pretending is Clara

The setting is the most interesting thing. He’d in this castle that keeps jumbling around and resetting every so often

God…..but I want to look up and see that many stars

Is…the thing following the Doctor the Hybrid (half time lord, half dalek)? Following him around the castle like some Ghost of Christmas Future-ified Minotaur?

He might not be the only person to lose someone but he is among the very few to seemingly lose everyone

Old man vs 20 ft thick wall. Who will win? The answer may surprise you: the creature that’s been following the old man

Oh this prison is inhumane. Gallifrey clearly doesn’t even have a Geneva…

Can’t believe he’s been stuck in a time loop for 7000 years

20,000 now??

This montage had taken us billions of years into the future and he’s mourned Clara and spoken to her like she was right there with him every day of it. Sometimes grief be like that

Oh…the Hybrid is not literal half dalek….perhaps it’s because the Doctor has been told over and over he’d make a good dalek. Maybe because he killed all the time lords…

[devizakura]

Pre-relationship arc - Birthday gift - Part 1

Me: *establishes that it's a particularly chilly night*

Also me: *wants to draw Beidou's arms for once*

... She can probably survive this on pure muscle mass and the amount of alcohol in her bloodstream, she'll be fine--

By this point, Kazu and Dasha knew each other for 5 months. When they met, Kazuha had been with the Crux crew for only 2 months and while he managed to open up a bit, he was still dealing with a lot of grief after losing his friend. But talking to her? It came so easy. There was no question too intrusive, and they had a shared passion for the fine arts (amongst other things) no one in the crew would appreciate quite as much.

Perhaps that's why Beidou insisted on keeping Dasha on the ship for the duration of her recovery instead of sending her away to a land doctor the moment she had the chance. She saw two people healing for the price of one and if Ningguang has taught her anything, it's to never pass up on a good deal like that.

Anyway, stay tuned for part 2 and more! Meanwhile, all the other important Dasha lore is here!

[forsakenmis]

Calming her down

Title: Calming her down Pairing: top!Wanda Maximoff x female!reader Rating: 18+ Incredibly NSFW Warnings: Dark Wanda, kind of non-con, strap on, fingering, mummy kink, post-WV finale so spoilers if you haven’t seen it. also i haven’t editted it so beware grammar and spelling mistakes. Word count:  4215 words

It had taken far too long to track her down. Why they asked you to do it, you weren’t really sure. It’s not as if you and Wanda ever really talked, or even made eye contact, during the years as an avenger. Yet you were given the task of pulling her back onto the rails, rails she’s apparently veered pretty badly. You really think Doctor Strange, the Gandalf of wizards, would be a lot better at handling her than you would be. Or even Clint, the guy who was her mentor. But no-no one wanted to reach out to her, even though they spent years arguing that she needed to be supervised. You could go on for days how you being the person being sent is the most ridiculous idea they could have had.

You weren’t even a super, or an avenger, you started off as a shield agent who was then thrown into Stark Industries as Tony’s intern. Fury wanted an in and you were that in. Then everything went bottoms up and you became a slightly more valuable member of the group. Support, really.

After the snap, you just wanted a stable life. A normal life. By the time they contacted you to do this, you’d applied to a college. No, a university. In Australia, which was far, far away from New York. The briefing was simple. Wanda, left to her own devices in her time of need, went to try to handle her own grief after stealing Vision’s body from S.W.O.R.D. You were being asked to go try to talk some sense into her. Then, within the week of you repeatedly saying no, it turned out the head of S.W.O.R.D. was a bastard which you could have seen coming from a mile away, and Wanda was god knows where.

They promised you they’d leave you alone after this.

So you said yes.

What could go wrong?

You were still asking herself that three weeks later when you were sitting there still trying to find out where exactly she went. Wanda wasn’t going to be easy to find, especially considering she didn’t want to be found but you did it. It was four in the morning when you finally narrowed down a list of ten possible locations that she could be in. You were too tired to even crack a smile, you fell back onto your bed to sleep.

Your celebration was sleep for by the next morning, you were trekking across the world and came to the outskirts of a property with the view of the mountains. Pretty, sure, but you didn’t think Wanda was here for the view.

It was eerily quiet when you walked up to the door. That type of quiet they put into horror movies before they pulled out a jump scare. You didn’t trust it. Then again-not that there was anything around to make noise. Wanda could be asleep, as maybe all this isolation has meant she’s forsaken a body clock.

Still-you trusted it as much as you could lift Mjollnir and you couldn’t even make it shift.

The curtains were closed, you couldn’t see anything as you walked up the two steps and you had to stop your hand from hovering over your handgun. It would have been more of a self assurance. You couldn’t dream of winning against Wanda in a fight, both of you would be aware of that, but you couldn’t exactly imagine she’d be that trusting of you if you walked in holding a gun. So you fiddled with the watch around your wrist, it was a gift from Tony years ago.

You could have brought reinforcement, sure, but that seemed like a moot point considering you were trying to gain her trust, somewhat. The reinforcement would have been S.W.O-oh whatever, sword, you don’t have the time for formality. And sword made such a huge mess of it the first time round so you didn’t think they were going to help this time round. You tried calling Clint, but he was busy, apparently. Too busy to pick up your calls.

This was definitely a suicide mission.

You knocked three times with the back of your knuckles and listened, trying to hear any hint of movement.

Nothing.

You knocked again. Knock. Knock. Knock. Not even a creak.

Maybe she was asleep or maybe, dare you say it, had gotten it wrong. God, you’d hate for some old man to swing the door open.

Your hand dropped to the handle, going to test the lock, but then it swung open and if it wasn’t for your own instincts, you would have stumbled forward.

Wanda.

Your eyes slammed onto her face and, for the first time in years, you fumbled. She looked different, way too different for your liking, she looked older since Tony’s funeral. Mature. More confident in herself. You could think of a different million ways to describe her in that split second.

She’d always been pretty before but this Wanda was…gorgeous. This Wanda could also read minds.

You cut your thoughts short and took in a slight breath. Wanda wasn’t saying anything and her only acknowledgement was the slight hook of her brow.

“Wanda,” you began before forcing a smile onto yourself, “long time no see.”

“So they sent you, of all people,” Wanda remarked and you made a face. Sure-she was right but that was, quite frankly, rude.

“They suggested I come and I wanted to come,” you lied, “to see how you were doing...okay, look, I know we never talked. Or interacted. I know that. I was probably not the most open to you as I could have been.” Wanda was continuing to stare at you. She was dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt. A shirt that arguably was one size too small for her. You weren’t really sure what to say, if you were honest, you’d spent so much time trying to find her, tracking her down like a puzzle, that you forgot to plan for this interaction.

“But I like to think we were on good terms,” you continued. Worst thing she could do was close the door in your face and you were more than happy to camp outside. “Enough that you’ll hear me out. I heard about your book, the darkhold–” That’s when you got a reaction out of her. Her eyes narrowed, growing even colder, and you could see her grip tightening on the door. “–we need to talk. Please-just let me in. I’m not going to fight you. We both know I can’t do that.”

You were keeping your thoughts clear. You didn’t want her reading you.

After a second, Wanda swung the door open wider and let you in.  

Your eyes scanned the room the moment you entered the threshold, looking for all the exits, before you turned back to Wanda. Wanda, who had closed the door, and had started walking towards you, close enough that you took a step back but found yourself hitting the back of a table.

Now that she was right up in your personal space, close enough that you could smell the soap she was using. Your heart was beating now.

“So you came for the book?” She asked, staring down at you. She was only a couple of inches taller than you but it may as well have been more.

“No, I came here to help you. And I know that book isn’t helping you, no matter how much you think it is. Wanda, that book is dangerous,” you said, gaining enough courage that you pushed yourself off the table to step forward, getting into Wanda’s space just as she was in yours.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Wanda remarked but she didn’t move. “You’re as bullheaded as you used to be, never knowing when a fight was too big for you. I remember all those times Nat and Steve had to throw themselves on the line because you’d done something reckless.” “That’s rich coming from you.” “I could protect myself,” Wanda snapped back. “So where are they? The rest of them. The people that said they were my family. Were you all that they had?”

You clenched your teeth. Don’t say the truth. “They wanted a woman’s touch with it,” you lied. “There isn’t that many of us who were close to you back then anymore.”

It was really only Nat and maybe Pepper who were close to Wanda. Both were a little preoccupied as of right now (for different reasons) to come knocking on Wanda’s door.

“A woman’s touch?” Wanda echoed, saying it in a way that made you clench your teeth. It was a raspy whisper. “And what, may I ask, would that entail?”

With the way she said it, you were pretty sure that Wanda wasn’t meaning it in the same way you were. Albeit, your meaning was rather off as well. In that you had no idea what that would entail either.

Wanda must have realised this and took a step back. “I suggest you leave,” she said and you hesitated before shaking your head.

“I won’t do that,” you said and she frowned. “They asked me to calm you down–”

“Calm me down?” She repeated, pronouncing each syllable, and it was as if the temperature dropped ten degrees. “Calm me down.” Then she smirked and it made you roll back on your heels.

“As long as you have that book, yes,” you said, “how about this–I take the book and then I go. You’ll think more rational without it, Maximoff, you know that. Deep down. You’re smart, Wanda, smarter than anyone ever gave you credit for. Besides Vision–”

“Don’t say his name,” Wanda snarled and suddenly she was in front of you again, hand around your throat, “do you understand me? He doesn’t exist here, not with you around.”

You didn’t really know what she meant but you ran with it and nodded. Her hand was tight and your airway was becoming a little too blocked for your liking.

She stared down at you, her eyes hard and cold, but then they softened and her grip loosened but they still didn’t leave your skin.

“You know, I might have pursued you back then, if it wasn’t for him,” Wanda began and you blinked. What? “You were everything I liked in a girl. Besides your recklessness….and stubbornness...but I think I can deal with that pretty easily.”

“Wanda, I’m flattered, really, but how about we focus,” you said, carefully, deciding to take that with a grain of salt and then over analyse it at three in the morning. Like how could you be cock blocked by a bloody robot? “Just give me the book and I’ll leave you in peace. I’ll make sure no one comes looking for you–” “You can’t promise me that,” Wanda remarked before she dropped her hand to take a step back. Then she looked you up and down. “You said they wanted you to calm me down, right? How about I keep both you and the book.”

You would like to say you were able to fight back. Prevent Wanda from knocking you out. But you were gone by the time she finished her sentence.

----

When light streamed into your eyes, the first thing you registered was the soft pillow underneath your head. Then you felt the rest of the bed and your eyes sprung open.

Your legs were bent up and out, Wanda’s red mist wrapped around your ankles and knees to keep them up. Meanwhile, your wrists were stuck to the headboard. Then your eyes rested on….Wanda?

Transparent Wanda reading that bloody book. You swear to god-you’ll burn that book the moment you get your hands–

“You’ll do no such thing,” Wanda’s voice cut through your apparently rather loud thoughts. You turned your head, trying to find her, and there she was in the doorway, sipping a cup of tea, watching you. Then she kicked off it and moved into the room and slid the mug onto a table before coming to the bed. “Maybe I’ll let you hold it one day as I read it.”

“I don’t...I don’t understand, Wanda, let me go,” you whispered as you began to struggle, pulling on the restraints again and again, but they weren’t budging. Neither was Wanda.

“I don’t think I want to,” Wanda hummed as she pushed herself onto the bed, “you see, I lost everything. My brother, Vision, Nat, Steve, my two boys, then Vision again. I lose every single family I ever have. Maybe this time I’ll succeed. I’m trying to find them, you see, with the book. Find them and pull them out. We can live here, happy, away from everyone.”

“We’ve done this story before Wanda, it didn’t–” “This time will be different, I’ll be more powerful, I won’t mess up this time,” Wanda pressed as her hands went to your inner thighs, moving them up and down your clothed skin. “And, when it comes to you, what they don’t know won’t hurt them. I don’t think I’ll let them see you. No, you can be my little secret. I stared at you for too many years, let you whore yourself out to other people. Not anymore.”

You drew your brows together. This couldn’t be happening.

“As you said, you’re meant to calm me down, right? Meant to pull me off some edge because everyone else was just too busy,” Wanda said as she positioned herself between your legs, bending down to kiss your jawline. You throbbed and pulled on the red strands wrapped around your wrist, but to no avail. “But I can think of another edge you can get close to,” she whispered as she pulled away again.

“Wanda, what are you–”

Her fingers slid in between your thighs, pressing into your heat, and a sharp gasp left your mouth. She began to rub through your jeans, cupping your heat, and you tugged again. This time, the red scratched the watch around your wrist and suddenly your clothes had snapped into the red armour Tony had built you years ago. Protective armour that replaced whatever you were wearing in a nick of time.

Useful.

The shift was enough to push Wanda off you and she stared down at the red and black armour with a slight tilt of her head.

“Well, that won’t do, will it?” She asked as her hands trailed down the cool metal. “Neat trick. Tony’s design, right?”

“Of course,” you responded after a moment, your chest rising up and down. There was no point in denying it-it was obviously Tony’s. Right down to the colours.

Wanda’s eyes turned red as the red mist circled around her hand as she lowered it back down. You flinched when you felt it slink in between the small crevices. The suit was meant to be protected against outside substances, able to go into water, but you supposed Tony didn’t exactly build it against Wanda.

“Wanda, you don’t–” “If you don’t be quiet, I’ll make you, do you understand me?” She hissed as she bucked her hand backwards and the suit around your hips ripped off you and tossed across the room. You whined as the cold air hit your bare skin, contrasting the building heat in between your legs.  

You were left with nothing but the top half and the pants that wrapped around your thigh. “Much better.”

With that, she went back to what she was doing before but this time there was nothing to prevent her from slipping her fingers through your slick folds, the tips of her nails teasing your entrance.

“Look at you, already so wet,” she cooed and you gritted your teeth. This really couldn’t be happening. This was a dream. She could control reality, this was just a dream. “This isn’t me in your head, sweetheart, trust me–I would have cut the foreplay if I was creating this.”

She continued to massage your heat and it took you everything you had not to moan.

“Why are you…” you tried saying but you were cut short, once again, when her fingers found your hooded clit, using the tips of her nails to start playing with it. You bucked your hips instinctively and she chuckled.

“You said you wanted to help me, right?” Wanda asked and the building heat was beginning to become a little too much. “So how about this, sweetheart, you help mummy out by becoming mummy’s little stress reliever.”

Two fingers suddenly plunged into your entrance and your back arched. At least your clit got a little bit of a break but it wasn’t long until her palm began to grind against it as she thrusted the fingers into your tight entrance. Each thrust expanded your walls, letting her in even deeper, your own arousal making her movements slick and quick.

“Wand-” you began to moan but it morphed into a sharp yelp when she pulled her fingers out to slap your cunt.

“You’re a smart girl, sweetheart, it’s how you got around Tony for so long. I think you know exactly what you want to be calling me,” she said and suddenly she was back down so that her face was only inches away from yours and her fingers slid back inside of you.

Unlike last time, though, it wasn’t rough and sharp. Her fingers were slow as they moved inside of you, curling at the tips, scratching your walls. Exploring. She was exploring you and you could do nothing but whimper and moan.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? I know you would. Look at you, already so wet and submissive for me,” she whispered, scattering kisses down your jawline as she reached your ear to nibble on your earlobe. “I’ll keep you in here for as long as I need you. Ride your pretty little mouth as I read that book, fill you up again and again until you’re passing out. All you have to do is be a good little girl.”

Heat was curling through your body, that buzzing sort of heat, that made your vision blur. Your teeth were clamped together. You wanted to moan, they were in your throat, but even when you opened your mouth, no sound came out. Just silent moans. The fingers moving inside of you had grabbed all your attention.

Then she scratched that little sweet spot and it was that that pushed out a moan that bounced around the room. Wanda laughed, hitting it again and again.

“Let your mummy hear your moans, sweetheart,” she said before she pulled back to kiss you on the mouth, biting hard on your lip so you wouldn’t even try to close your mouth and stop the tongue that slid into your mouth.

Your stomach was twisting into knots at this point and seemed like every other muscle seemed to be cramping. You were close to climax. Your walls clenched around Wanda’s fingers. Just a little bit–

You groaned when she peeled herself off you. You blinked up at her, looking through what seemed like tears, as you were denied that relief. Relief from the throbbing coming from your cunt.

“You want to cum, baby?” Wanda asked as she pulled off her shirt. Underneath was a simple black bra that was quickly disposed of. Your eyes, naturally, landed on her chest. A chest that, even under the circumstances, made you drool. Wanda’s clicking your fingers drew your eyes back up. “Eyes on mummy, sweetheart. God, you really are a little whore, aren’t you? Tell me-do you want to cum?” You pulled on your restraints just once more but all it seemed to do was to make it even tighter.

You nodded, jerkily.

“Use your words, sweetheart, I very clearly established you’re not mute,” Wanda remarked as her fingers went down to her jeans, fiddling with her button.

“Yes. Please, I want to,” you mumbled, knowing you won’t be coming back from this point. Then again-if she could make you feel like that again...maybe that wasn’t so bad.

Wanda tilted her head as she hummed, not having to move much to slap your sore cunt again and you jerked. “Say it politely and maybe I’ll consider it.” You scrunch your eyes shut and mewled when she began to knead your pulsating clit again. “M-mummy, please,” you whispered and her hands left your cunt. Before you could even open your eyes, you felt her lips on yours. Soft, gentle...loving.

“Good girl...that wasn’t so hard, was it?” She asked and you could hear the ruffling of her pants as she kicked them off. “Now...mummy’s going into your head, okay? I promise it won’t be long.” You began to struggle again but the warmth of her powers quickly washed over you. Your memories began playing the past three months. You tracking her down. Refusing back up.

Then she was out again.

“You really told no one where you were going? Almost as if you wanted this to happen,” She said as she shifted on top of you. Shifted that you felt something rub up against your entrance and you flinched. She...she was packing. “Of course I am, sweetheart, do you really think I wasn’t prepared for you? I knew you were coming from a mile away, honey.”

And with that, she pushed the strap inside of you, not bothering to wait for you to adjust until she was completely inside of you. You arched your back again, pressing into Wanda’s naked body, as the pain of being ripped open rushed through your body. You moaned and grunted as you grew adjusted to the width and length of Wanda.

“Come on, baby, you can do it,” Wanda murmured into your lips and suddenly your wrists were freed. But then her own hands came up to wrap around them to press them against the pillows herself. “I know you’ve taken bigger. Do you think we didn’t know? Didn’t know you and Nat were fucking every other night?” The comment drew you out, just for a moment, and you shook your head but all she did was pull back slightly to slam inside of you again.

“Don’t lie to me,” Wanda snarled, “tell me, tell me the truth. Use your words.”

It took only a few more thrusts of her strap filling you up again and again that the words began to spill out of your lips. “S-she found out. About my status as a shield status. Fuck,” you hissed out, barely able to hear your own words over the lude noises of Wanda beginning to pound into you. This wasn’t fair-you couldn’t dream of talking when she was fucking you like this.

“So you whored yourself out to her to make sure she kept her mouth shut,” Wanda said, finishing the sentence and you nodded jerkily. “You little slut. I bet you liked it too, just like how you like me pounding into you. But you’re mine now. Not hers. Not Tony’s. Mine. My little whore.”

She shifted upwards so that her chest was dangling above your face. “Suck your mommy's tit, baby, I saw you admire them before.”

It was a welcome change, you had to admit, to trying to formulate sentences and words around the moans and screams spilling out of your mouth. Your head leaned forward, closing the distance, so your mouth could wrap around her erect nipple and your walls clenched around her strap as you heard her moan.

Her hand moved to the top of your head, her nails scraping against your scalp as she interwove her fingers through your messy hair. Your tongue lapped at the small bud between your teeth and she began to move her hips in time with your tongue.

Your now free hand wrapped around her body so your nails were digging into her shoulder, drawing Wanda down even closer so you could take more of her tit into her mouth.

The same heat that had built before was coming back, and you weren’t sure how long you could hold on at this point.

“You can cum whenever you want, baby, just this once,” Wanda purred, hearing your thoughts, and it was all you needed, that confirmation, to come undone. Your walls clenched around the strap and you could feel Wanda slowing down as thrusting became just a tad more difficult and you screamed into her tits, careful not to clamp your jaw shut, as the orgasm rushed through you.

Even through it, she continued moving inside of you, and you almost felt like you could pass out.

“Good girl,” Wanda whispered. “Oh, I could get used to this. I’m going to keep you in here, do you hear me? Make you a good little whore for me to come home to.” They did say your mission was to help Wanda calm down.

[hannigramficrecs]

Newly Added Fics 5/16

Hello everyone, sorry again for the slight hiatus! I’ve replied to all the messages in my inbox (at least the ones that were sent to me before this past friday), so if you asked me something before that, be sure to check out my replies!

As usual, I’ve emboldened the fics I really liked and italicized the ones that are incomplete.

Looks Like Love by luvkurai [words: 5,987] — (AU)

After his sister's wedding, Will kisses his childhood housekeeper (and first love).

Betrothed by slashyrogue [words: 3,932] — (AU)

In one month he would marry a total stranger.

Titan Arum by ProxyOne [words: 64,614] — (AU)

Will is a botanist, working in the greenhouse of the local Botanical Gardens. He is getting his life back on track after his divorce, but he can't help but notice someone who keeps coming back to his greenhouse to draw, day after day. A man who seems to have been paying very close attention to him...

Find Me In The Dark by Rising_Phoenix [words: 40,131] — (AU)

After a fateful accident, the marriage of Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter has reached its end. Grief and the inability to stop them from falling apart has brought an irreconcilable distance between the formerly deeply devoted couple. While Hannibal is apathetic towards his husband, ignores him, and is withdrawn, Will has started an affair with fellow teacher Francis and drowns his desperation in more and more alcohol. 

Light of All Lights by whiskeyandspite [words: 20,377] — (AU)

Dracula-like fic without any of the vampires

The Stage Just For You by CarnivalMirai [words: 6,494] — (AU + Age Gap)

Will has landed himself the role of Odette for world-famous choreographer Hannibal Lecter's rendition of The Swan Lake.

There Will Be Bells by Entropyrose [words: 36,639] — (A/B/O)

In Georgian England, male omegas are very rare diamonds. Baron and Baroness Graham have a plan to build their wealth and social status by offering their son Will's hand in marriage to a mysterious older Duke, an Alpha named Lord Hannibal Lecter. Will's personal feelings need not apply.

Alpha Mart by slashyrogue [words: 63,164] — (A/B/O)

Will needs an alpha. After years of fake knots, half-assed suppressants, and his own damn hand during heats he’s reached the end of his rope. He doesn’t do dating so he decides to waste his life savings and hype with the current trend. Alpha Mart.

Enchanted By Your Name by CarnivalMirai [words: 9,207] — (A/B/O + PWP)

“Now, my husband would prefer it if I got the job done quickly.” He says, slashing down the back of each gag as he passes each man, watching as the silk falls gracefully to the floor. “However, I want to have some fun. Considering you’ve troubled my husband so much… it’s only fair, right?” One of the men whimpered fearfully. Or: The name "Will Graham" is a name you'll only ever hear once.

I've Been Building Black Ships by cloudsarefluffy [words: 8,116] — (A/B/O + AU)

Alpha Hannibal moves to the States with his sister Mischa after being overtly done with the fancy life of a count, and his blind omega neighbor gives him an insight into love that he never quite expected.

A Rare Find by hit_the_books [words: 5,379] — (A/B/O + AU)

Life as an omega bookseller can be quite lonely. However, as the owner of Graham’s Books, Will Graham is reasonably content. That is until he meets—long-time customer and crush—Doctor Hannibal Lecter in person for the first time. Attraction blossoming between them both, Will agrees to a dinner date with the good doctor.

We All Have a Hunger by 1ntothew1ld [words: 12,260] — (A/B/O + Age Gap)

Hannibal will ensure a properly slow and painful death for an alpha who allowed a beautiful young omega to go to waste as this one has. Too skinny for his own good, a stuttering and humble mess. The likes of the omega in front of him belonged at Opera houses and in million-dollar mansions, not scrounging for his next meal. Meek and afraid in some disheveled row house. When he finally looked back up the alpha had to conceal the utter punch to the stomach that meager glance was, blue eyes full of innocence but also hunger.

The Doctor Is In by Kummerspeck7 — (A/B/O + PWP)

Will nearly scoffed. "You can't expect me to believe you'd want anything other than a delicate flower to adorn your side, keep your ostentatious home, bare you the exact number of children you want--No more, no less-- all while being available at your whims." "Not at all." Hannibal disagreed. "I would no more put a wilting flower in my home than in a bouquet given as a gift. Tell me, Will, is that how you are treated? Forbidden from work, cloistered inside and used at Mr Brown's discretion?" "My Alpha's discretion." Hannibal looked pointedly at the curve of Will's neck, free from a single scar. "Not yet he isn't."

Teenage Wildlife by writtenbyizzy [words: 10,163] — (Age Gap + Sugar Daddy)

While reluctantly prowling Grindr for a sugar daddy to pay for his dog Bean's vet bills Will comes across Hannibal, and gets far more than he bargained for.

Just As Poised As I Remember by CarnivalMirai [words: 5,721] — (Age Gap + School)

When Will was in high school he had an incredibly handsome psychology teacher-- tall and sharp with a thick European accent. And now, a decade later, said psychology teacher-turned psychiatrist... just swiped right on him.

We Can Chase the Dark Together by K_R_Closson [words: 16,615] — (Fantasy)

Will tips him and Hannibal off the cliff. Instead of hitting the water, he wakes up in his bed, several years in the past. His first, and only, priority is to find Hannibal again.

We Killed a Dragon Last Night by inameitlater [words: 88,150] — (Fantasy)

Will remembers falling. He wakes up months before Jack got him to work for him. Months before he met Hannibal for the first time. Free from his past he decides to change events and meet Hannibal again.

My Only Constant Is You by TheSilverQueen [words: 25,369] — (Fantasy)

Hannibal Lecter is an immortal who can never die. Will Graham is a time traveler who can never stay in one place. Perhaps that is why they are perfect for each other.

Motinos Kalba by Lyla_Joy [words: 6,040] — (Fluff)

Five times Hannibal Lecter spoke Lithuanian on accident and one time he meant too.

You Make Me Feel (Good) by sourweather [words: 7,190] — (Fluff)

Will Graham has sensory issues. The world gets too loud, he gets overstimulated easily, but most of all he hates being touched. He never expected someone to work so hard to make him comfortable, to be so patient with him.

Pick Me Up by sourweather [words: 6,053] — (Fluff)

Will doesn't go to bars much. He doesn't end up needing a ride home much. But when he does get drunk, he always wants to ask Hannibal to pick him up.

Hard to Get by JSinister32 [words: 5,561] — (Jealousy)

Will and Hannibal had been broken up for six months. When confessions are made during a work function, can they find it within themselves to forgive?

Polar Opposites by Lyla_Joy [words: 19,513] — (Kidnapping)

“Says the cannibalistic serial killer who knocked me out and is now holding me hostage,” sassed Will. The Ripper didn’t smile but his eyes crinkled in the corner. “Please call me Hannibal.”

Fate Is A Keen-Eyed Hound by LydiaFearing [words: 5,890] — (Mischa)

Hannibal may be a successful, charming psychiatrist but Mischa worries that her brother is lonely so she gifts him a puppy. Hannibal reluctantly falls for his little dog but wants to get involved with time-consuming FBI work and not just anyone can be allowed to look after his pet. Luckily, Alana can recommend a boarding kennel in Wolf Trap.

The Significant Other: The Will and Hannibal Edition by house_of_lantis [words: 18,431] — (Murder Husbands)

After their terrible and abrupt break up, Will and Hannibal attempt to maneuver through their social circles, side step ongoing gossip, and deal with the fact that Will knows the truth of Hannibal. Through impossible odds, Will and Hannibal do find their way to each other again.

Dancing with the Beast by proser [words: 86,347] — (Murder Husbands)

In order to catch a mediocre serial killer, Will must pose as Hannibal's date for a series of pretentious social events. Hannibal is dramatic and jealous as ever, and Will is having a great time without the encephalitis. Of course, it's a love story.

Arriving at the Crossroads by HigherMagic [words: 7,558] — (Mpreg)

"You haven't been my psychiatrist for a long time," Will echoes. "But you've been my friend. You've helped me. With…" He gestures vaguely to his head. "When my brain was on fire. On consults. When it's dark and I need a guiding light." "It pleases me very greatly to be a source of comfort and reassurance for you, Will," Hannibal says. "I have wanted to be that for you, for a long time."

The Hanged Man by justhavesex [words: 13,076] — (Mpreg)

Will Graham had never wanted children before, but he had never considered it to be a consequence of his omegan brain not finding anyone worthy, but the moment he had met Hannibal Lecter he had been filled with want. In which a dinner party one-night stand results in a pregnancy that changes Will's entire life.

I Don't Even Like Lana Del Rey by perpetuallycaffeinated [words: 4,328] — (PWP)

The tension and low thrum of arousal were making Will speak impulsively. He knew this, but he’d just finished his drink. There was nothing he could use to stop the question, blunt and presumptuous and rude. “So, what, you’re my daddy?”

A Bad Combination In The Dark by perpetuallycaffeinated [words: 1,957] — (PWP)

When a nerve wracked Will Graham accidentally cuts his hand on Dr. Lecter's letter opener, things quickly get out of control.

The Best Bait by sourweather [words: 3,327] — (PWP)

Will is a good fisherman, he knows which bait to use for his catch. Will seduces Hannibal at a party by being sexy.

Whimsy by justheretoreadhannibalfics [words: 3,001] — (School)

Doctor Hannibal Lecter is standing in as a teacher while Professor Graham is out of town on a case. The students start to kind of like him, and become very invested in his love life.

Callipygian by ProxyOne [words: 2,260] — (Season 1)

Hannibal has a lot of sketches of Will, which he normally keeps safely away. One day though, Will shows up unexpectedly and Hannibal is caught unawares, and unprepared.

L'appel Du Vide by sourweather [words: 5,413] — (Season 1)

Will is hiding things from his coworkers. From himself. But Doctor Lecter knows.

Friends Don't Frame Friends: A Lesson for a Clueless Cannibal by LadyFelixTristis [words: 5,041] — (Season 1)

Ear? What ear? Will Graham doesn’t try to thwart Hannibal Lecter’s plans for him. He just does. By accident. And then on purpose.

For All My Pride, You Were the Fall of Me by nobetterlove [words: 13,212] — (Season 2)

After being released from the BSHCI, Will grabs the dogs he can't live without and leaves without a trace

Letters to God by CarnivalMirai [words: 4,698] — (Season 3+)

Will writes letters to Hannibal every day after his incarceration. But they never make it.

Blankets, Coffee Cups, and Christmas Morning by sourweather [words: 6,352] — (Season 3+)

Hannibal wants to enjoy the domesticity. The love, the closeness, the being Known. But something about his life with Will makes him want to lash out.

All These Fictionary Tales by ProxyOne [words: 18,492] — (Season 3+)

After the fall, Hannibal is presumed dead. Will has been declared dead. But Will isn't willing to believe that Hannibal would just abandon him like that 

Seduction by BloodunderMoonlight [words: 7,086] — (Season 3+)

“For fuck’s sake, Hannibal.” Will glared at him, brimming with wrath he had only seen behind Will’s gun. He had no doubt Will would draw out a knife from beneath the duvet or pillows, but clearly words were enough to make him gobsmacked—“Are you a fucking virgin or monk? If all these can’t get you to bed then I don’t know what can.” Hannibal stood gaping at Will.

Blood, Cedar and Dog Hair by sourweather [words: 3,351] — (Season 3+)

Something terrible happens while Hannibal is in prison. Something he never prepared for.

Hidden Potential by sourweather [words: 20,789] — (Soulmates)

The first time you make eye contact with your soul mate, you see a vision of their greatest accomplishment. They call it your Peak. Unfortunately for Will Graham, his soul mate's Peak is a vision of blood and horror. Fortunately for Hannibal Lecter, his soul mate's is too.

Karoliai by slashyrogue [words: 4,577] — (Sugar Daddy)

Will works at a jewelry store. He has worked there for three months and sold less than any other person there. His boss tells him to sell something by the end of the day or he may not have a job tomorrow. If there was one thing Will hated more than having to talk people into buying jewelry they didn’t need, it was trying to do it two days before Valentine’s Day.