#the dissection-influence is strong in this one

[belovedivies]

Hello👋 I was wondering how would the skinless chicken-I MEAN Nathanael interact with Raphael's older sibling?😅

cw: minor spoiler dividers-credit: @kodaswrld m.list

nathaniel and you…

⋆ ˚｡⋆are the epitome of a match made in hell! We have a body dissection loving maniac who breaks guns with bare hands and a sociopath whose father you buried for the throne that your brother now occupies. Of course, you guys get along like a house on fire.

⋆ ˚｡⋆surprisingly have the time to hang out. You always find a way to forcefully squeeze yourself into his schedule, like dropping by unannounced during his night shifts so you can whip him away for a few minutes! The nurses and patients mistake you two for a couple all the time, something Nathaniel doesn’t bother to clarify anymore.

⋆ ˚｡⋆share what can almost be considered as a bond despite the chaos going on. Aside from Raphael, he’s the one guy whose company you somewhat enjoy and find amusement in. You’re also the only girl who gets to spray deodorant in this scary man’s face and don’t end up being slammed against the wall. It’s a win-win! ☪︎ ･ﾟ ･Nathaniel... begrudgingly acknowledges the influence you have on Glory Club. How a fragile-looking woman can command fear and respect without trying. He, though, still has a hard time wrapping his head around the mind-boggling jokes you blurt out sometimes versus the cruelty you’re capable of inflicting. One night, after a quick patient checkup, the Apostle found you in the hallway along with two of his men out cold on the floor, their hands and legs bent at all different angles. Then you just ran up to him with a smile, never elaborating on what happened. ☪︎ ･ﾟ ･You... think Nathaniel’s pride now might as well be his downfall. He’s strong, he’s smart, and he has potential. But this is THE Peter we’re talking about. If that boogeyman is lurking around the corner and somehow still as unbeatable as he was 50 years ago, Nathaniel—even in all his evolutionary glory—statistically stands no chance of surviving. And if he is lucky enough to just barely make it out alive, the man’s ego is gonna be damaged for good. ☪︎ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･❂

“It’s so cold out here…” You tugged your legs underneath your chin and let out a loud yawn, wiggling your feet. “I thought the rainy season ended last week?”

Five centimeters away from you on the bench, Nathaniel leisurely sipped on his Americano. “High humidity levels,” he set the cup aside, “so your clothes might get saturated by the moisture in the air.”

“Huh, guess that’s why I’m still shivering in these 70D stockings—“ mid-sentence, your eyes widened when the guy suddenly took off his blouse and draped it over your lap. “Thanks.”

Nathaniel just shrugged and picked up his drink again. Two nurses walked by and cooed at the scene, though you weren’t sure if the attention was on you or him, or the playing-house act he had been tolerating for a while.

You scanned your surroundings: the hospital’s courtyard was mostly empty at this point. A few elderly patients hung out in the right corner of a dimly lit cafeteria, doing their nighttime stretches. When you look up, a billboard on the side of the building greeted your eyes—a picture of an old-looking Peter with his back hunched. The bounty flashed beneath it in place of the contact number for donation: 7,6 Billion Won.

“Kim Soongu…” The words left your lips as an afterthought, but then you caught Nathaniel’s jaws clenching in your peripheral vision with the coffee cup suddenly crushed to a pulp in his palm, a river of brown dripping to the ground.

The awkward silence didn’t even last for three seconds before a hysterical fit of laughter left your throat as you clung to your stomach.

“Holy fuck—“ snickering, you leaned against Nathaniel’s side like you two were having a sleepover. “Look at the way you got your panties in a twist with just the mention of his name. Is he that good?”

Your slightly-closer-than-an-acquaintance furrowed his eyebrows and answered through gritted teeth. “Brat…”

“Annoying too?” you mirrored his cocked brow with amusement, cheek leaning on his shoulder as you watched the guy slip off his beverage-soaked glove, “didn’t the stats say Soongu is just another D-rank killer though?”

“Not it from my observation.” Nathaniel huffed. “He had some untapped potential. Having him on my team would be… beneficial.”

You tilted your head. “For…?”

“Taking down Peter,” he looked a little irritated at your constant questioning, but ultimately decided not to show that frustration. Instead, Nathaniel’s raspy voice took on what seemed to be a teasing note; his lips curled up into an easy-going smile as the man flicked your forehead.

“So much for your plastic surgery idea, princess.”

“Ow—!” You squealed, touching the violated skin; he wasn’t even using force and you could already feel a bump rising. “What do you mean? So it wasn’t him?”

“It’s real skin from what I felt.” Nathaniel ran a hand over his hair. “Tch, whatever. When he shows up tomorrow, I’ll definitely find out.”

Tomorrow. You tucked your legs further under your chin, eyes still trained on him.

“Hyun Il.”

“?”

The Apostle turned his head towards you.

“You’re 100% likely to die.”

“Doubtful, aren’t we?”

You let out a giggle. “You wanna hear me say it?”

Nathaniel’s gaze hardened. “I will win.”

Cute.

A sigh left your lips as you stared up at the dark sky above. It was a relatively starless night, but there were still some lonely orbs twinkling if you squinted hard enough.

Some saw themselves as the sun—the center of this universe with planets orbiting around them. Constantly striving for a new high. Yet there were bound to be limits. A wall in between. Something, someone who might just show up one day and render all of their efforts useless.

How incompetent we were in the grand scheme of things.

☪︎ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･❂

"Planning to dig up his body?"

Raphael's comment earns a small smile from you. Taking your little brother's hand, you stand up from where you have been crouching on the ground for the last few minutes.

"Nathaniel doesn't need to be physically here to haunt me," you hum playfully while his fingers brush off the imaginary dust on your hair. "Jokes aside, he's cremated. I'm surprised to find out that could still work without the furnace blowing up; he's like a walking T vessel."

"Mhm…"

"Found anything at the scene?"

At your inquiry, Raphael's brows drawn together in a way that reminds you of Nathaniel. Then again, frustration doesn't have a second face.

"Tch, nothing at all." His grip around your shoulders tighten. "That bastard vanished without a trace."

All the killers dying… so that really was Peter's doings. You've seen the outcome from miles away, yet who is to say the result doesn't baffle you in the slightly? What Glory Club is dealing with here is no longer a human being.

"Hey, Raphael…" for a second, the face of an unfamiliar teenager pops up in your mind—black hair, red eyes that hold an immaculate sense of authority, "do you think that…"

"Yes?" Your brother tilted his head. There's a lump in your throat that is suddenly too hard to swallow.

"Nevermind," as quick as that eerie hypothesis comes to be, you forcefully swat it away; a sharp edge to your smile, "let's get back, shall we? It's gonna start raining soon."

[damagdsnow]

Fix my reputation

Pairing: young Coriolanus Snow x fem!reader

Summary: You and Coryo are together for mutual benefits, he needs a well known woman by his side to look reliable and loving during the presidential elections and you need your reputation to be fixed after your unforgivable scandal. 

Tags: slow burn, enemies to lovers, fake dating, arranged marriage, manipulative/soft Snow, strong and independent reader (as she should), fluff, angst, power play. eventual: smut, fingering, thigh riding, switching sub/dom, degradation, denied orgasm, piv, dirty talk, overstimulation, oral (fem/male receiving), praising public sex

Chapter 1, chapter 2;

aesthetic chapter one, aesthetic chapter two;

Tw: Snow being Snow, mention of alcohol, panic/anxiety attack, eventual: mention of blood

Word count: 6.7k

Note: English is not my first language so if you see mistakes please feel free to correct me in the comments! It is also my very first time posting here on tumblr, I’ve always wanted to post my writing and finally I am now brave enough to do so, enjoy!

You hated that man. 

If there was something you were sure about, it was that you didn’t want to be here with him, at the same table having lunch. You could feel his perking blue eyes staring into your soul even though he was not looking at you, he was meticulously cutting an apple with his long fingers and a shiny knife.

How did you get here? The man you so wholeheartedly hated, was now part of your life, and you couldn’t do anything about it. You felt like that apple he was cutting so carefully, peeling your skin, your essence, the way he was holding it seemed he was scared it could run away. You could run away. 

The problem was, you would never run away. Run away to whom? To your mother who disclaimed you? To those friends who didn’t help you out? You had no choice. Now the only thing you had was your reputation ruined for a fatal mistake that could have been avoided. That was not enough, the only way to clean your image was to be with Snow. The charismatic, intelligent and kind Coriolanus Snow. Or this was what people said about him. What The Capitol said about him.

You didn’t think the same. You knew who he really was, you saw what they couldn't see. He was evil, he was the one who got the games so popular with his ideas, the one who didn’t mind sending children to death.

You and Coriolanus had only one thing in common. Maybe two or three. One of them was that you both needed each other’s influence in society for different interests. His strategy to win the elections included a woman by his side to make him look reliable and sensitive, but he mostly planned on taking advantage of your popularity to make his own name. You, on the other hand, just needed someone who could clean your reputation after a little incident.

Who better than the master manipulator Coriolanus Snow? You weren’t thrilled with the idea of spending time with him. But it was going to be just for once. The gala before the official beginning of presidential elections, the most awaited event in the Capitol.

The agreement was playing the part of two lovers who not by chance people already knew, his name was well known. Yours? Still on the news. It was just a ball, you could do a night of pretending. 

 “Tigris said you haven't tried your dress on yet,” his voice interrupted your thoughts, and you looked in his direction to see his expression. 

He still had the apple in his hands and he was cutting it in half-moon shapes, he took one bite in his mouth and he directly stared at you while chewing. You tried to hide your disgust as Snow's eyes met yours, his smile sending chills down your spine. It was as you had imagined, or even worse, you felt his blue eyes dissecting you in pieces, like he was examining you, looking for your deepest secrets. You knew that staying calm and composed in his presence was crucial. 

“I don’t want to, it fits me.” You didn’t even look at that dress, it was even sent to your house but you refused to open the box knowing that he chose it.

“I hope it will,” Coriolanus didn’t take his eyes off of yours. “At least try to read how you should answer the questions, many people will be there,” he then said while standing up from his chair. His tall frame loomed over you, and you couldn't help but shiver under his intense gaze. 

“Are you giving me homework to do now?” you said, looking up at him.

“I’m simply providing you with some advice,” his voice tinged with subtle amusement. “Oh, you think it’s going to be simple after all you did? “The Capitol won’t forgive you easily,” then he walked away, leaving you alone in the dining room. 

This day felt longer than ever. The morning before you had received a letter from Snow’s manor telling you that someone was going to pick you up to prepare you for the event. It was signed by his publicist, Iris. You met her a couple of times before: a well dressed woman who knew too much about anyone's business in the Capitol. It was her idea to have lunch with him, “just to get to know each other more,” she said, but for you it was just a reminder of his real personality. They even gave you a room for the day, two chambers away from his, quoting Iris’s letter “this way you can feel comfortable,” you thought she was too attentive and kind to work for someone like Snow.

Iris was the one convincing you to take part in this gala, she explained to you that someone cherished like Coriolanus would draw the attention away from the scandal. You two just had to pretend to be together, “the Capitol loves unexpected new couples,” the publisher said to you the first time you saw her, “the young aspiring president and the woman everybody talks about.” Iris was convinced that this way Coriolanus was seen as the devoted partner who wasn’t afraid of your bad reputation, and you as the woman ready to rise from the ashes. 

You ran into your room and slammed the door so loud you hoped he could hear you. You found a big envelope on your bedsheets, and you hoped it was some sort of -hey remember the incident? It’s not your fault, everything it’s okay!-thing, but unfortunately, it was not a free pass to the world. It was a sheet listing all possible answers to some questions you might be asked today at the gala. It was like a script to follow to save your face, to look good in front of the cameras, in front of the-very-judging-elitè. In that sheet, you could find any imaginable question they could ask, where your dress was from or who your family were. 

“Did you do that on purpose?” It was one of the questions, and you thought this was something Snow would ask you. He didn’t say a thing about what you did, in the few times you talked he never asked you directly about the scandal. He could have wanted explanations, the real version of the story from you, but he never said a word. You read the answers on the sheet, and they were all perfectly written, so meticulously explained using the Capitol-vocabulary, elegant words and a candid tone. 

“How did you meet Mr. Snow?” Your heart skipped a beat, you didn’t consider being asked about your fake relationship with him, it was all new to you.

 “…it was love at first sight, who couldn’t love an extraordinary man like him, I immediately fell in love.” You had to read the full answer twice to be certain you weren’t hallucinating. 

You would never have said those words, never in a billion years, not even under torture, of course you were ready to lie, but lying to this level? It was too much. You knew it was him who wrote this answer, you imagined the grin on his face while typing those words about him. You were mad. The answers about your dating life with Coriolanus were filled with romantic moments and exaggerated gestures that made you feel uncomfortable reading their unrealistic nature. You tried imagining those things happening in real life, but it felt completely alien and artificial. It was difficult to believe that anyone could genuinely experience those events. With Coriolanus mostly. You read the pages, over and over, a book would have been better because there was too much to read, but instead, you were stuck with a bunch of printed documents detailing your supposed love story. 

He also put dates on when things happened: your first date in the lake house in July, the time you had dinner in a fancy restaurant in August and the day you moved in his place. Lies. Lies. Lies. Apparently you officially started dating three months ago. Three? You scrolled over the pages, hoping not to read what you were thinking. 

“…after the incident, Coryo was very supportive, always there to comfort and reassure me even though all I did. I felt like I betrayed him too, but he always said we could get through it together, and I found myself falling for him all over again.” You knew none of this ever happened, and yet here it was, staring back at you in black and white. It was as if the words were playing tricks, as if the words were there to pretend instead of simply put on paper.

You sighed and closed the file, feeling a mix of frustration, confusion, and irritation. He was never there for you. Nobody was. You were all alone. After that day, you cried every night, and you were the one reassuring yourself, lying in front of the mirror saying ‘it’s going to be okay’ while your sense of guilt was slowly eating your guts. He wanted to appear like the perfect partner, but you knew the truth. It was all a façade. Deep down, you knew the real him, and it took all your strength to acknowledge the reality. You threw the stack of files on the floor, it was all too much. 

You got up from the bed, and you went directly to his room, determined to confront him about the distorted reality that had been painted in those files. You didn’t even knock on his door, and you felt surprised when you noticed it wasn’t locked. You open the door, and you close it from behind, entering the room. He was standing close to his bed, completely oblivious to your presence. It was like he expected you to burst into his room out of nowhere.

“You finally read the file,” he said, looking at his wrist without making eye contact. 

He was focusing on buttoning his cuff links, his fingers fumbling with the buttons, his white shirt still open and his blonde hair wet from the shower. His normally confident demeanor was replaced with vulnerability as he waited for your response, the tension thick in the air. It was the very first time you saw him not perfectly dressed up, without styled hair and shiny shoes. The sight of him standing there, so different from his usual self, caught you off guard.

“Yes, I’ve read your fabricated tale,” you said, trying not to look at him, at the droplets of water sliding down his temple, his fingers still struggling with the shirt. “You should have become a fiction book writer, you got talent.” 

"I just wanted to impress you," he admitted, finally looking up to meet your gaze. “I can see I got a reaction from you,” he definitely succeeded in catching your attention, with those iper-articulated lies, not even close to what really happened.

“The agreement was that I won't say anything bad about you, just be by your side as a trophy-fake-girlfriend in this stupid gala, inventing absurd stories won't win my reputation back," you said firmly, crossing your arms. 

He reached his desk where there was a glass of some alcohol sloshing around, poured himself a drink and took a long, deep swig. “They won't believe you if you only stand by me like a mannequin, you have to be an active member of their social life, so they can get to know you, sympathize you and maybe forgive you,” he said in a calm tone, you could see his profile while he was again drinking from his glass, his shirt still open that showed his toned body.

You immediately looked away taking a deep breath. “I won't be a part of any false narrative you wrote,” was the only thing that came to your mind. 

He scoffed his head, “Just for the period of the presidential campaign, nothing more.” 

“Are you suggesting that this ridiculous act is going to take longer than just a day?” 

“I know you don’t like me, you just need to pretend you do. I’ll do the same,” he took another sip of that liquor while looking at you, “the publicist said just one appearance at the gala isn’t going to be beneficial to either of us.”

“Why are you telling me this now? The plan was slightly different,” you said

“Oh I knew you were going to be reluctant about the idea of pretending to live here, just for show,” he was serious, his fierce eyes looking at you waiting for a reply.

“I almost tolerated your presence at work, and now you want me to live in the same house as yours?” You asked 

“After the gala, they are going to focus on the ‘new couple’, our performance has to be something they really believe in,” he leaned his head at the same height as yours, “we already don’t have that chemistry, at least they are going to think we live together,” Coriolanus said to your ear, his curls brushing your cheek. 

“I simply decline your proposal, find someone else.” You said with a fake smile.

“Didn’t journalists harass you every time you left your little apartment? How exhausting, isn’t it?” He whispered in a sarcastic tone, making you remember all those times you ran away from photographers. “I got peacekeepers here, no one is going to bother you anymore, as long as you don’t bother me,” he turned to the desk, placing the empty glass in a tray, “strangers in real life, lovers on the outside.” 

“The problem is that I despise you, I cannot do this for one more day,” you couldn’t see his expression,  just his white see-through shirt displaying his back muscles.

“No, the problem is that you don’t understand how fucked up your situation is,” he was now facing you, “I know people who were condemned for way less, you are lucky,” his words were sharp as blades.

“Lucky to have you? It’s a punishment,” you said and he laughed. 

“Then don’t come at me crying at why people still hate you,” he took a few steps closer to you

 “So you can comfort me like you did a month ago?” You asked him pointing out the most absurd lie in that file.

“Oh, so you read every single page, you really did your homework.”

You stood your ground, refusing to be manipulated any longer. He was doing that purposely, just to provoke you, saying those things just to see how far you could take. Coriolanus was looking at you with his piercing gaze, attempting to intimidate you, he expected you to buckle down and crumble in front of him, but you would never give him such satisfaction, you were already in hell, so why not play with fire? 

“Why me?” you asked him, and you saw a sense of surprise in his eyes. “Why, of all the girls in Panem, you decide the only one who can give you trouble?” You took a step closer to his figure, “there are so many good girls from rich families and intact reputations, why me? I’ll just ruin you.” You said, trying to catch his eyes looking back at you. But you could only see his frowning eyebrows, his wet messy hair and a droplet of water trailing down his neck, you were so close to him, you could hear him breathing.

“Everybody knows your name, bad press is still press,” his eyes finally met yours. “You are the center of attention,” he took a step back, as if momentarily distancing himself from the tension. “The presidential elections are extremely competitive, it’s not a race for who’s superior to whom,” he licked his lips, “but who is going to perform better for these people looking for distractions. “We are going to be their little show”

“So tell me Coriolanus,” you stepped closer as you were before. The height difference was such that it made you look up at him, you took one side of his shirt in your hand and you buttoned up with the other, feeling his warm torso on your fingers. "How exactly do you propose to fix my reputation while bolstering your own?” you finished, a sly smile dancing on your lips and your eyes looking for him. 

Coriolanus was looking down at your fingers still brushing his skin, he had his lips parted and he softly whispered, “just play the game,” his eyes still fixed on you. He was talking about making everything right again, but it felt like there was something more behind those words. 

You stepped back, trying to compose yourself. “I’m just giving them another reason to hate me with this bunch of lies,” you were looking down at the floor when you heard him stepping closer to you. You didn’t look at him, but you could feel his eyes on your face. 

He lifted your chin with two fingers and made you look up at him, “I’ll make them fall for our lie,” he said, his voice was so deep and calm.

 “You are a master manipulator,” you whispered back, looking down again as if the floor was more interesting than the man standing in front of you. 

You heard him chuckle, and he leaned closer to your ear, “and I’m going to teach you how to be one too.”

Your first public appearance after the scandal was going to be at this gala. Everything was calculated in detail, the dress you wore had to be long and white, as pure as snow. Your hair had to be loose so it could cover your exposed back, and apparently you had to memorize pages and pages of answers you could give. After your intense conversation in his room you decided to play the game seeing how far you could take, how far you would do to take everything back. He wanted you under his spell, he was trying to shape you how he desired, for his own interests. 

“Dear, why aren’t you dressed yet?” The publicist said to you while you were sitting on the smooth sheets of your bed. You had your bathrobe still on, it’s been thirty minutes since you had a shower but you had your head in the clouds. 

You couldn’t stop thinking about your conversation with Coriolanus, his wet hair, the words he said to you, his naked torso, his manipulating eyes. You repeat to yourself that he was Coriolanus Snow, and not any man, he probably told you half the strategy he really had in mind. Being with him was like playing chess blindfolded, you had to trust him but he could mess up your moves, change your plans.

“Come here I’ll help you,” Iris said, she seemed like a good person, she had a comforting smile and an elegant manner with everything she did. She was wearing a short coppery-brown color dress, it was shiny as her nails, decorated with tiny gold stones. You took her hand and you stood up, making the bathrobe fall on the carpet. The silk of the dress soothed your skin like a petal, you looked at the mirror and the weak light coming from your window gently reflected on your bright dress, almost making it shine. 

“It is really pretty,” you said astonished while turning to see your exposed back. Then your smile disappeared because you remembered it was him who picked the dress. 

 “You are making it pretty, my darling,” Iris stated as she fastened the zip on your side. It was a simple dress yet delicate and impressive, it embraced the shape of your body effortlessly. 

“It is just a little loose here on your waist,” the woman said, touching the excess fabric on your side. You remembered the conversation early this morning when you proudly said the dress fitted you.

“I’m going to tell Tigris to fix it,” Iris said and you immediately looked at her reflection in the mirror.

“No please,” she changed her expression, “it is bad luck to mend a dress the same day it is worn,” your mother always said that to you, maybe it was not a popular saying considering the publicist's face.

 She tilted her head with a confused smile as she touched the yellow-butterflies-clip in her voluminous red wig. Now that you were thinking about it, you sewed your skirt the day it happened, ‘it’s just a coincidence, I don’t believe in these things’ you said to yourself, you were not superstitious but at the same time you avoided superstitions, just in case.

 “Whatever you want,” Iris said with a soft smile. 

  You touched your neck and you thought how a shiny pendant would look good. “Iris, do we have some necklace to match this dress?” She stepped closer to you looking at your chest. 

“I think you shouldn’t wear any jewelry tonight,” you tilted your head in confusion, “see, today is your first appearance after the,” she paused, “incident.”

“And what is it supposed to do with jewe—“ she didn’t let you finish your sentence.

“You could wear pearls or diamonds but what would the elite think? That you want to appear, that you want to show off,” she walked behind you so you could see her reflection in the mirror. “How you present yourself is the way they perceive you,” Iris brushed your long hair on the side, exposing your neck, “you are wearing a white dress, ‘how pure!’ No diamonds, ‘how modest!’ “try to think like the socialites, once you enter their minds, your act will get a standing ovation”. Her words put everything in a different perspective, she really knew what she was doing. 

You heard a knock on the door, “the party starts in an hour!” A muffled voice said from the corridor.

“Thank you Ariandes, we’re almost done!” Iris said in a loud tone. 

In less than sixty minutes you had to put on your best mask and try to change the mind of a thousand people about yourself, with Coriolanus by your side, pretending he is your supportive lover. You felt a rush of anxiety on your chest, like a weight pressing against your heart.

“I don’t think I can go,” you whispered with a trembling voice. Iris made a worried look.

“Oh sweety, I can only imagine what you have been through,” she took a lilac glass flask from the desk beside the mirror, “you are a strong woman,” she sprayed a lavender fragrance on your neck and she smiled. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror, and with all your strength you tried to keep the tears that threatened to spill over. “Iris, how do I fake being so interested in someone?” You asked, thinking about what was written in that file. 

“Have you ever been in love?” She asked with a soft gaze.

You didn’t know the answer to that question, you had a couple of boyfriends in your university years, but were you in love? 

“It’s when every atom of your body's only desire is to burn at the mere thought of being with that someone,” Iris looked up, like she was thinking of somebody, you felt even more disoriented with her answer. 

You couldn’t identify that feeling with anyone, you’ve never met someone that made ‘your cells burn’. What would that even mean, you thought.

 The door opened and you turned your head to see Ariandes, the political advisor, “We gotta go,” he said looking at Iris. The man had his hair pulled back in a long braid, dark as his skin. You walked in his direction and you followed him.

The moment you stepped into the car you felt a sudden tension, it was dark outside, only one side of Coriolanus’ face was lit up by cars passing by. He was wearing a red coat that covered the rest of the outfit, his blonde locks were lightly falling on his temples and you noticed he was wearing a ring on his left index finger.

 “Act as natural as possible,” Coriolanus said and he looked at you, it felt like he was inspecting your body and you wished to be in his mind at that very moment.

 Was everything going according to plan? 

No, you didn’t want to know what it was like to be in his head, it was torturing enough being on the outside. 

“I’m not very good at lying,”

‘not as good as you’, you wanted to say. 

He looked at you like he read your mind, luckily you couldn’t see his expression. “Don’t be impulsive, smile and never leave my side,” you felt he was giving you orders, “what 's going to happen at the political campaign depends partially on today’s gala.”

 “You know, Mr. Snow,” you started “I tried reading your fiction-book but it was so,” you tried examining his face, “unrealistic,” he scoffed and looked the other way, “you want me to paint you as the man you aren’t and never will —caring, affectionate and respectful “I can’t do miracles, people won’t believe my lies forever.”

Coriolanus clenched his jaw, “at least the whole Panem doesn’t hate me,” he said close to your face.

“Yet,” you added, hoping to maintain eye contact one more second. 

“And just a reminder,” he said, “without me you would have been at home, crying and begging for forgiveness,” he whispered in a bitter tone in your ear.

 “And without me you wouldn’t have the attention you crave so much,” you replied, feeling the tension in the air. 

Coriolanus was too close to you, like an animal before hunting his prey, you could see his facial features reflecting the weak light outside. The engine stopped, and the driver opened the car door.

“Mr. Snow” he said and Coriolanus stepped out of the car, he didn’t even look at you. 

‘He would slam the door in my face if he could’, you thought.

 You took the driver’s hand, helping you get out with your long dress. Coriolanus took his maroon coat off and he gave it to an avox at the entrance. You could see him from his back, he was wearing an ivory jacket and trousers, his suit matched your gown. He calculated every single detail. Unexpectedly, Coriolanus waited for you as you stood by him in the hall, he extended his arm and you looked at him. 

“Do I have to?” You asked and you noticed a white rose on his breast pocket. 

“It’s just an act,” he replied and you took him by the arm. 

Let the play begin. 

The ballroom was lit by magnificent chandeliers and the air was filled with whispers and laughter. The atmosphere was comforting and energetic: people with colorful wigs, glitter dresses and sugary drinks. There was not a face you could recognise, it was not what you were used to, even though you have been living in the Capitol for all your life, you’ve never experienced a party like this. You walked through the crowd with Coriolanus by your side, arm by arm, while everybody was looking curiously at your direction. You’ve heard someone saying his name, and something about the girl he was walking with. 

Why her? Since when does Snow have a girlfriend? I’ve heard really bad things about that woman.

And there it was, the gossip, the uncertain glances and how they looked down on you. On the other hand, people were praising him. 

He’s so charming! White suits him well! Future president of Panem. 

You looked at Coriolanus, the warm light was making his eyes brighter, or was it the crowd? He looked at them so proudly, with a confident smile, he was living for that moment, being the center of attention. He met your gaze, then his blue eyes looked at your dress, but not the same way people did. 

It felt different. 

Was he judging? 

Admiring maybe? It was a mystery, nothing was black or white with him. 

Coriolanus greeted a couple of his acquaintances, introducing you as his partner, then calling you his date and it once slipped from his lips calling you his girlfriend. And you actually were, in that moment, you had to act as his beloved girlfriend who had a well known bad reputation. He never let your arm go away, he was acting so well, playing the caring boyfriend who couldn’t leave you alone. 

“Here they are, the couple of the night!” A loud voice came from behind, it was Flavius Windbuzz, one of the most famous tv hosts in the Capitol. His voice was recognisable from miles away, it didn’t matter if you watched television or not, he was everywhere and it was impossible in Capitol City not knowing his name. 

He stepped closer to you with a glowing smile and a glitter microphone, he had his hair gray, more like silver. “Everybody is talking about you, the new Capitol lovebirds,” a camera was pointing at you and your heartbeat was getting faster, everyone stopped talking and stared at you both. “So tell me Mr. Snow, who is this young lady you are showing off?” 

“You said it right Flavius, she is my girlfriend,” he did it again, Coriolanus said girlfriend, this time broadcast on tv. 

“What a pleasure to meet you,” the host said to you, he took your hand and kissed it. These exaggerated gestures were the usual in this type of parties, especially where a silver-haired-man was interviewing the guests. He asked about your family, if you liked the food —you didn’t touch any but you lied, and who was the designer of your dress, everything as the script said.

  “Honey, you are a really interesting woman but I have to ask you something,” Mr. Windbuzz said, “people are talking and it is my job to satisfy their desires. “So tell me, are the rumors true?” 

You expected a much worse question, you stopped breathing for a moment and Coriolanus noticed that because you tightened the grip on his arm. “You tell me Flavius, what do the rumors say?” You answered with a soft smile hiding your discomfort.

  “I know that during the last edition of The Hunger Games, something really unfortunate happened,” you noticed he had purple contacts on, and that was something that made you even more nervous. “Is it true that you took part in the incident we all saw live on TV?” He asked and you felt like your heart was beating outside your chest.

“It is true,” the crowd gasped, and your pulse increased. 

“So tell me, how did it feel when you killed those poor and innocent tributes?” The question was worded differently than what you read on that file. 

Killed. 

Poor and innocent. 

You couldn’t get out of your head their lifeless faces, the foam coming out of their mouths and the sound of the cannon echoing in that room. The hall started spinning, you saw the interviewer’s face, a mix of compassion and concern, as the crowd started whispering more and more you felt your head cold and heavy. The microphone was pointing in your direction but you could not even stutter a syllable, blank pages wandered in your mind and you felt a sense of emptiness. You felt a hand on your shoulder and you turned your dizzy head to see Coriolanus who started talking for you.

“She was more than devastated, I remember—, ” you saw his lips moving like the time had slowed down and you were not listening to his words, his voice echoed in your ears as you never took your eyes off of him. 

His grip on your shoulder tightened and his eyes looked at you as he tilted his head suggesting you both could go away. You followed him even though your ears were still ringing and your sight blurring, Coriolanus was walking too fast so you took his hand in yours or you could really faint on the ground. At that action, he looked at you with a confused stare, his hand grip was firm and steady as he dragged you in the bathroom. After checking no one was in there, he leaned against the door so no one could step in. You stood in front of him, his curls falling on his forehead that was a little sweaty, then he began talking, but the sound of his words were just an intense ring in your ears. He placed both his hands on your cheeks trying to have your attention, and you woke up from your hypnotic state.

“They are just hypocrites, they are the ones who watch The Hunger Games on tv, they send money to help their favorite to kill.” Coriolanus said looking in your eyes, and you started sobbing. “They are not better than you, “stop crying and play their game.” 

You felt the warmth of his hands on your skin, he never touched you this way, it was intimate, nothing you could expect from him. For a moment, you brushed your hand with his but he instantly removed it, walking away from your sight. 

“He was too indiscreet,” you heard him whisper, “I should’ve expected that from him.” 

“No Coriolanus, I should’ve expected this question,” your voice was still trembling, “you said it wasn’t going to be easy, I deserve this, “do you still think this act is a good idea?” You asked him. 

His tall figure leaned against the green tiles of the bathroom, he had his hands on his pockets and he was looking down, thinking about who knows what. Now that you were seeing from a distance, he resembled an angel. His white suit, his blonde curls and the perking blue eyes. No, there was nothing pure and heavenly in him. You thought he was probably thinking about how you ruined his plan, how he had to intervene to save your umpteenth failure and he was now calculating another strategy. 

‘Not an angel, a fallen angel, the next Lucifer of Panem.’

 “The night is still young,” he said while stepping to the door. He didn’t answer your question, was he regretting meeting you? 

Everything was as you left it. The party was still going and no one seemed to have noticed your panic attack. That was a relief. You tried distracting yourself, you couldn’t stop thinking about what happened before. The interview, the crying, his hands on your face. Everything was worse than you had expected. You and Coriolanus were in the hallway next to the massive columns that supported the ceilings, on the other side people were dancing to a classical melody. You wanted to stay there, outside their sight, because to you the dance floor was more like an arena where people were going to attack you. 

“Shall we?” Coriolanus extended his hand suggesting to go dancing with him. 

“I’m not good at dancing, I could step on your feet,” you hoped it would’ve been enough for him to give up. 

“I’ll take the risk.” That was his plan, acting like nothing happened and putting his best smile on to be the charming man everyone adored. 

You took his hand, the same hand that wiped your tears off your face was now intertwined in yours. Every time you looked for an excuse to not like him. As if you had to remind yourself that you hated him. Did you? He was dancing with you so naturally, holding you like you had known each other for a very long time, his hand on your waist as if he was used to it. There was nothing evil in him on the outside, and that was the problem. 

“I’ve just saved your face, thank me later.” 

You rolled your eyes at Coriolanus’ words. “I’m used to humiliations so next time don’t bother yourself.” you replied.

“Oh but I’m not used to it and don’t worry, there will be no next time.” Without a notice, he made you twirl around.

“When will this thing end?” You asked annoyed.

 “I hate it as much as you,” he pushed your waist closer to him, this way you were face to face, noses touching. 

“What the fuck Coriol—,” 

He interrupted you, “for the cameras.” 

You turned your head and you saw a bunch of flashes, blinding your sight. Coriolanus leaned over you and your lips were brushing, you couldn’t push him away because of the photographers. You had no time to tell him something, that he kissed you. It was for a second, just one second where your lips touched. It was cold, dry and unexpected. Just like him. Snow by name, snow by nature. If only eyes could talk. You’d probably say to him how you wished you weren’t there, with him, and you wondered what his blue eyes would say to you, probably the same. After that moment, Coriolanus didn’t say a word to you. You were there, smiling at photographers hoping to drop your mask as soon as they’d left. 

The rest of the night went according to plan. Flavius interviewed all the future candidates and Coriolanus had the opportunity to make his well prepared speech, he also got invitations from influential members close to the president Ravinstill, not to mention the many sponsor offers he had. At least something was going well, for him though. The ride back home was painful. You and Coriolanus were looking outside the window, his crimson coat was the only barrier separating your bodies. 

“Did they ever tell you how bad you are at kissing,” you hated silence so much you could say the stupidest things that came to mind just not to hear your thoughts. You turned your head to see him and his eyes were already on you. 

“Mhm, girls usually compliment me for other qualities,” he chuckled, “and then that wasn’t me kissing, remember it’s just for show,” he whispered looking at the driver hoping he wasn’t paying attention.

“Well, no one believed your poor attempt to look in love,” you said and he untied the knot of his white tie. 

“I was caught off guard,” he said looking at you, cars speeding in the window behind him, “and I can’t just kiss how I would normally do.” 

You tried not to laugh at his words, ‘what would that even mean?’ you thought. “Just try to convince them, because you didn’t even convince me.” 

“How should I kiss you then?”

He put his hand on the back of your head, with his thumb brushed your temple and he pulled you closer, his lips touching yours softly. You knew what was going to happen, but you let him do it. 

The way he kissed you, like he was starving for your lips, hungry for your taste. Was he the same man that kissed you before? You melted in his touch, his hand slided down your neck, his fingers pressing on your throat, making you shiver even more. He tasted like mint and posca, his hair smelled of roses and his skin was warm under your touch.

 Coriolanus pulled away from your lips but you came closer to cut the gap separating you. It felt like an instinct, like you were not satisfied enough and you could feel a sense of heat down your core. He pulled away the coat that was between you and his other hand was now on your exposed back, keeping you closer, his tongue still dancing dangerously with yours as you intertwined your fingers in his locks.

“Coryo” you said between kisses.

He wasn’t intending to stop and neither did you, but you remembered who was the man who was holding you that way, whose hands were making you shiver, whose lips were making you want for more and what nickname you just whined. 

“I think we should,” you managed to say, trying to stop yourself from doing something you were going to regret. You broke the kiss, his lips were swollen still too close to yours. 

He whispered, "I told you, I can be convincing when needed.”    

🦋 A/N: I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, let me know what you think in the comments! I’ll probably explain the details of the scandal and how they met next time, it’s way more than you can imagine from here. Also I KNOW there is no smut here, but bear with me, it's a slow burn and trust me in the next chapter I’ll add some ✨ spice ✨. In this first chapter I wanted to set up the atmosphere.

A special thanks to Freddie Mercury and the song “Play the game” that helped me when I was stuck, to the poet Taylor Swift who reminded me of the many ways you can say the color red. PLEASE let me know if you want to be tagged next time 💌 

ask me questions here !

@gracieghost36955 @annavatar @ghostlyloversworld @badbussylol @gracieroxzy @coolcatyarb @coriosgf @xxrougefangxx @devils-blackrose @wearemadeofstardust0

[soaringwide]

PAC: How to overcome your fears regarding relationships?

Hey :p

Here is a new love pick a card about a topic I've personally been struggling with recently, so I really wanted to dive into it.

The goal of today's reading is to look at what fears you're dealing with in matters of relationships; fears that might manifest as blockages or obstacles in your love life; and how to overcome them.

As always, this reading is meant for multiple people and there are only three piles, so take what resonates and leave out the rest. It can help focusing on your issue or a specific relationship while selecting the pile.

I offer paid readings as well, don't hesitate to reach out to me in DMs.

Ko-fi ★ book a reading ★ pinned post ★ instagram

PILE 1

Cards: 3 of Swords, 9 of Pentacles, King of Wands, Queen of Wands, Slow Down, King of Pentacles, Manic, Queen of Swords, King of Cups, Queen of Cups, 2 of Pentacles, 5 of Pentacles, the World, 7 of Wands, the Magician, the Emperor

Your fears surrounding relationship have to do with heartbreak and loss. It seems you've had your heart wounded deeply in the past. The pain was intense and it took you so long to sooth it, and you had to use all your resources to revive yourself from this state. You had to learn to be independent and flourish for your own sake, to tend to your own inner garden and make a life beautiful and enjoyable for yourself. So you not only are scared to get your heart broken again, but also to lose your individuality and the peace you built for yourself. I think you are attracted to people like you, strong individuals with ambition and passion, but you're scared it's going to get in the way of your own path and vision and lead you apart, breaking your heart once more. I believe you overthink quite a lot and expect things to go wrong before they even do.

These fears are rooted in your relentless mind, forever going full speed from one extreme to the other, in a frenetic quest for meaning and movement. It seems you have trouble feeling satisfied by anything for long because you're always looking at the next adventure, the next prize, the next achievement. It's not that you're ungrateful or anything, but rather, that you are scared you're going to be left with nothing if you stop trying to fix what's wrong in your life. You keep looking for problem to solve, perhaps due to your triggered survival instinct, and it's hard for you to stop and appreciate what you have. So the root of your fears is in your own mind, in the pathways you built years after years and that you solidified. It seems you have a hard time finding your balance, go with the flow and stay in the appreciation of the present.

These fears manifest in relationships by a hard grip on your feelings by your mind. See, your feelings are strong and run deep, and they can get overwhelming very easily. As a result, you react by dissecting them like some freaky science experiment and try to break everything down to understand them, but also to keep them under the control of your logic. It's kind of a toxic pattern, an abusive move from yourself towards yourself. Your words can be harsh and hot tempered because you feel hurt easily and can blow things out of proportions fast. You're so scared of losing your agency and getting hurt that it makes you hyper aware of every little blow at your heart and you go to war a bit too easily. I'd also say that paradoxically, you have a hard time being honest about your feelings and communicating them in a gentle and open way. You may even wait till things become unbearably painful before saying anything, instead of acting earlier when the need arose the first time. You struggle with the idea of vulnerability a lot and perhaps your way around that is to wait till it feels like it's the other person's fault for hurting you instead of your own inability to express yourself authentically.

For what external influences play a part here, I'd say first that you have a strong personal sense of what you need from life and relationships, but that you doubt yourself a lot. You keep comparing yourself to what others have, or what society expects and this is making you feel depleted and resource-less. It's like, people say one thing, and you know it's wrong, but for some reason you keep entertaining the idea even though you know it's rotten and useless for you. In addition, you also feel pressed by time, as if you felt you were following some type of transcending schedule you had to abide by, and if you are late or out of sync, then that means you are failing and it's causing your fears to intensify. This is making your fears worse because these expectations weight on your mind and make you feel broken and worsen you destructive patterns.

For how to overcome your fears, your first need to let go of the struggle mindset. No, life is not out there to get you and you aren't going to lose everything if you dare opening up to love. You are too defensive of your heart and too combative in your approach. You need to replace that mindset by bringing all elements of yourself in harmony. Your mind shouldn't fight your emotions, your passion shouldn't clash with the respect of your boundaries. What I'm trying to say is to take a look at what you're over-doing and what you're neglecting, and bring some balance within yourself. You must also bring clarity in your mind about what it is you want and hold the vision, knowing that you will find what you need when the right opportunity arises. Also, don't hesitate to advocate your your needs and wants. Not like a tyrant, but like someone who knows themselves and know what's best for them, and go after whom they desire without fear. Yes, the battles of the heart are scary and it can be hard to go for what you want due to the fear of loss and pain, but you need to make a conscious decision to not only open up, but also let the other person know where you stand. Trust in your magic, your skills and power, you have everything that you need to succeed.

PILE 2

Cards: 4 of Swords, the Magician, the Star, Inner Awareness, Let Go rx, Queen of Pentacles, the Fool, 5 of Swords, 10 of Cups, Jealousy rx, Optimism, Queen of Cups, Page of Wands, 3 of Pentacles, Death

Your fears regarding relationship come up as fearing your hopes and dreams won't manifest. You are a romantic, a dreamer who has a beautiful and idealistic idea of what love can and should be, but you're struggling to find it. You may currently be in a state of isolation and afraid of it will never end, and that you'll be missing out on the joys of love. You are highly in tune with your higher desires, have a strong faith in the vision you have for the relationship you dream of, however, you're also highly scared that this will not become a reality, because you worry you do not have what it takes to reach your dream. I'd also say you're painfully aware of you own flaws and issues, and you worry you won't be accepted as you are.

The root cause of these fears shows up as a struggle to let go of your need to control and predict when the situation would require to simply take a step forward and embark on an adventure without worrying about the future. You may have been neglecting your love life for a while before this moment, not leaving enough space for relationships to bloom, because you perceived it as a treat for your well being at the time, which might simply mean that you hadn't met the right person or at the right time, and I think it shows up here because these disappointments made you very wary and careful about love and it's holding you back presently.

These fears manifest in your relationships by placing too high of an expectation from the get go on them. This gap between reality and dream is putting pressure on the relationship and on yourself. You may see the relationship as failing and struggling to communicate because you feel so vindicated. You might know that your approach is not working, but failing to understand why, and thinking things were not meant to be as a result, circling back on this idea of fated and perfect love. You may also compare the relationship to the ideal in your mind excessively, which is creating even more tension, anger and frustration, because it doesn't match your ideal.

For the external influences, it seems your current mindset was shaped by an environment that didn't encourage honest and authentic communication of your emotions, needs and desires. Paradoxically, you were told to always remain optimistic and hopeful, that things would always work out without effort, but without giving you the keys to how to work towards that in reality. It's as if it fed into your dreamy nature without allowing you to understand how to build the bridge between dream and reality. You didn't learn the power of your actions and how to take accountability for them, which is again feeding this imbalance between your inner world and the reality of a lived relationship. Also, circling back on the fear of not being accepted I highlighted in the first paragraph, this is also linked to your lack of skills in communication, because you expect people to understand you without having to express yourself, which is unfair to them.

For how to overcome these fears, the cards point at a few things. First, we're being led back to this idea of embarking on an adventure, with passion and confidence, and stepping out of your comfort zone. You must learn that the way you are approaching things is not working and need a deep transformation. You must learn from the mistakes of your past and start anew. Look at the future with hope but take actions toward what you desire. Also, keep in mind this idea that building a relationship requires team work and constant effort, and that things will not always be perfect and dreamy. Some days will be hard, but it doesn't mean they will never be sweet. Be open minded and enthusiastic and learn not to draw hasty conclusions on the relationship or on your person.

PILE 3

Cards: 3 of Pentacles, Page of Pentacles, 10 of Wands, Joy rx, 10 of Pentacles, 10 of Swords, 7 of Pentacles, King of Wands rx, King of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, 2 of Cups, 8 of Wands, Forgive rx, Intuition rx, 4 of Pentacles, the Hermit, Knight of Cups

Okay so heads up, this file feels a bit like the results of your own doing.

Your fears regarding relationships have to do with the idea of being burdened with responsibilities and losing access to the usual ways you find joy in life. I'm getting strong fear of commitment. That a committed relationship could get in the way of your present social life, friends and party habits. I see you quite mesmerized by what looks like glitter, as in, what seems attractive and exciting in the moment, which makes you ignore everything else that is around it because you're so fixated on what's in front of you. Basically, it seems like a lot of work and sacrifices for a reward that seems unsure and unsatisfying, and you fear that.

This is all rooted in what seems to be a fear of endings, as in, you fear closing a chapter of your life, both because of the pain of closing such chapter will cause (grief for a time of your life that is gone), as well as for the loss of the pleasures that come with it. You also fear things slowing down and being out of your hands, that your happiness won't depend from your own will only anymore and that you would have to work for it with someone. However, you of course don't see that behind every ending is a new beginning, and that things might not be as clear cut and as desperate and you imagine them to be. It's a bit over dramatic I feel.

This manifest in relationship by a bit of a toxicity if I'm completely honest. The cards point at rigidity and stubbornness as well as pent up anger and passive aggressiveness towards your partner. You might get fed up of them easily, because you feel restricted in your freedom. There is an inability to look past your own trauma and you're pushing its patterns onto your partner instead of addressing them directly. You end up hurting the both of you on the process.

For the external influences, I feel like there may be a connection that is triggering all these wounds for you here. Perhaps someone you were not expecting, someone who wish to come into union with you, to communicate freely and to make you a solid romantic offer. You sense that and it's making you spiral. This connection is putting pressure on you by asking you to make amends with the way you act and to own up to your bullshit (sorry). It may also trigger your intuition that is trying to tell you something, which you are refusing to listen to.

How to overcome these challenges then? The cards point at a need for a deep, thoughtful introspective journey, which will lead you to let go of your resistance to change. You're currently holding everything in, and I'm getting the image of a dam that is about to break down, little cracks growing and growing, and you're trying to cover them with your hands, but it's a losing battle. You need to learn to come forward, be vulnerable and authentic with your feelings and move towards what calls your heart without negating your deeper feelings and intuition. Make amends to you heart and pay attention to its whispers.

[oddsandends-dirt-to-dust]

my take on ellie william’s birth chart

(warning, nsfw near the bottom. it’s marked in red. also there’s a little more nsfw info in the reblogs section of this post cuz i forgot to add it. also, talks of trauma and mental health issues!!)

if anyone wants me to go more in depth into anything i mentioned feel free to ask. also if u want me to break down certain scenes/dialogue/actions of ellie’s from the games through the lens of the chart i assigned, again, feel free to ask.

not going too into depth cuz blah. but she’s one of my fave characters ever and i want to dissect my ops on her natal chart a little cuz i lauve astrology. big pisces, bless up.

to clarify for those who don’t know astrology - i’m not just listing ellie’s character traits next to a random label, the things i mention are direct translations of the influence these specific placements can have on a person, hence why i assigned them to ellie. though, my guesses are kinda personal opinion since i’m basing them off of the way i perceive her character.

—

Gemini Sun - i don’t rlly care about sun signs sorryyyy. find it kinda boring. BUT. ellie is obvi a very goofy, jokey person. she loves to tease and banter with people, it’s how we see her bond with joel, jesse, riley, and dina. she’s very smart and observent, matches people’s energy. she has lots of interests, is very smart but not arrogantly so. she loves to learn and be taught things, asks questions constantly. friends r very important to her. she has a very analytical, logical mind. she has a nasty side, very direct and damning with her words when she isn’t happy with someone or doesn’t like them. tendencies to shut herself away from people when she’s hurting. will cut people off if they fuck her over, no matter how much she cares for them (joel). but in romantic relationships she’s more likely to try and ignore the issues because she doesn’t want to lose the person. (seen with riley and dina).

Taurus Moon - stubborn asf. have very strong morals. enjoy having a home, will fill their home with items and decor that comforts, and express their personality. prefer intimate social activities, would rather stay in and watch a movie than go to parties n stuff. hold grudges fr. can be very dismissive, also when they set their mind to something you can’t sway them. form their own opinions and can’t be convinced otherwise by others (after the dance, dina tries to apologise, ellie has already decided that dina didn’t mean the kiss even when all signs point to the opposite. also with joel, after finding out what he did in the hospital, she holds that grudge for years, won’t rlly take his side into account and is focused on what she wanted out of the situation. also when she’s leaving dina, she thinks dina is coping better than her though they clearly haven’t spoken about it - “im not like you, dina”). taurus moons bond with people very strongly, and have intense urges to protect their loved ones - main reason she went so loco after joel died was cuz she couldn’t protect him/couldn’t save him.

sentimental yet stoic. very loyal and protective over those they love. don’t like to be patronised, or viewed as weak. feels connected to nature, likes spending time in it/drawing it. music is veryyy important to them. they need stability in relationships, don’t like not knowing or not being sure of things/people. pretty grounded in their emotions, knows what they’re feeling and why, but will try to dismiss themself and ignore their feelings. tendencies towards over-indulgence and substance abuse issues (especially with the influence of her other placements). as i said, taurus moons dismiss and ignore their emotions, hide them from the people around, along with the indulgent nature of taurus, this would present with alcohol abuse, self destructive/self harm issues (by s/h, i mean seeking out danger, violence, and harm. not taking care of herself, not eating, not sleeping, etc). values honesty.

to her core she’d be a very moral person - blinded by her emotions and anger, yes, but would still hold strong to her morals when she can clear her head a lil. (like not going through with killing abby at the end - i think because she finally had the power to end it after all her spiralling thoughts about it/abby. she finally had her hands around her neck, literally had abby’s life in her hands, and that was the only reason she could let go - because the moment ellie had been constantly thinking about was finally happening, it was finally up to her, and that comfort could clear her head a bit and open up a space for her morals to slip back through.)

she would value actions, not words. (joel constantly saying “things happen, we move on”, but still, when he’s killed, she can hardly even try to move on - despite those being the literal words of advice from the guy who was killed, who’s opinion she valued a lot.) (also never believed joel’s constant lies, had to go to the hospital herself to see what really happened there.)

methodical and hardworking. can get stagnant and stuck in their ways. great instincts. sleepy, loves sleeping, loves comfort, (unless they’re dealing with difficult emotions, when they are - food and sleep are the first things to check out.) sensual, intimidating, kinda mysterious ppl. once committed to someone or something, they stick with them for the long haul. (there were extenuating circumstances when she left dina, but she did try to stay and build a home/life with her.)

Virgo Rising - self-sufficient, independent, perfectionist, analytical and intelligent. a good problem solver, and tend to enjoy physical touch when in moments of deep connection. overly critical of others and themselves. other-think and doubt themselves. compliments make them kinda uncomfortable. very observent, and emotionally reserved. not very social, don’t like big crowds of people, prefer small, close social gatherings. tendencies to be very anxious. stomach issues and issues with food. love learning and discussing topics of interest.

they’re pretty sure of themselves and who they are to the core, but as i said, have insane issues with overthinking, self-deprecation, and doubts. they are reserved and practical, but will explode if pushed too far or feeling emotionally triggered. hard-workers, enjoy being praised for their achievements, though will behave awkwardly on the surface when complimented. again, perfectionist, and it can bleed into their opinions of those around them - they expect everyone to be almost perfect. they have a strong sense of duty, are highly reliable and responsible (again, unless overwhelmed by emotion). finds making choices difficult, can get overwhelmed with too many options - they prefer simplicity. good listeners when it really comes down to it, but can be blinded by their own opinions sometimes. prefer to have an organised living space, though not necessarily clean. pretty good at giving advice - they’re often the voice of reason. they love to be of service to others. they don’t like to dive into relationships, they prefer friends-to-lovers situations. they need to really get to know someone before feeling comfortable in romantic relationships.

appearance wise - they prefer simplicity and comfort over flashiness. youthful appearance, delicate facial features, expressive eyes, captivating gaze, slim stature, long limbs. child-like grins, plush lips. narrow chin, strong cheekbones. thick brows and lashes. calm and composed demeanour (nonchalant, chill guy).

Gemini Mercury - her journal is very gemini mercury to me, they like to lay their thoughts out and dissect them. pleasant and polite when meeting people. strong boundaries, won’t take shit, they will match people’s energy (was polite to bill at first but as soon as he started acting aggressive she chewed him out and was never pleasant to him again. was friendly to sam and henry from the beginning and all the way through, even when joel wasn’t.) rlly good at tactically insulting people, proficient in arguments and debates. logical and observant. quick-witted and very sarcastic. very smart, love learning, ask a lot of questions. blunt, honest, and always speak their mind. can be snappy when upset or provoked. when they feel ignored or hurt, they’ll detach and go silent, though might make little comments here and there. very passive aggressive. independent, don’t like to be pushed around. loves reading (comics and books / nonfiction and fiction). very resourceful and good at improvising.

not religious, tend to need facts and evidence to believe things. very curious, asks a lot of questions. fast-paced thoughts, big mouth!!! good with maps and maths. they hate boring people, and people they deem as stupid. nothing is impossible to them, they believe they can achieve whatever they set their mind to, and jump at the chance to prove doubters wrong. they are insistant and push others towards their goals, won’t let people quit or give up easy. very resourceful and knowledgeable. can be kind of manipulative / they know how to sway people, know how to argue their points and get what they want. cannot deal with boredom, they need action, fluidity, results. can be a little self-important, self-absorbed, and immature. they enjoy helping people complete tasks, and feeling useful. always strive for better, won’t settle for less.

since i assigned ellie a virgo ascendent, she is ruled by her gemini mercury. this means it’s a big part of her personality. her thoughts and words, the way she communicates, the way she views the world, the things she likes and dislikes - are a huge part of her personhood and self-identity.

Gemini Venus - i don’t even want to maim her with this placement but here we are. (no offense gemini venus’s. ur cool and misunderstood, but do struggle in love.) they enjoy teasing people they care about. connect on a mental level, need to be able to have interesting back and forth convos with someone when in a relationship. friendship is most important when in romantic relationships. can be very aloof and avoidant in romantic relationships, don’t like talking about their issues and traumas. has many hobbies and interests (for ellie - dinos, space, comics, music, writing, art, movies, etc). stealthy and sneaky.

takes them a while to be rlly romantic in a relationship, and still aren’t overtly fluffy or sappy. (prefers to banter with dina over compliments, quiet acts of love like painting dina and jj, herding the sheep for dina.) not overly empathetic or needy. love languages are acts of service, gift-giving, and quality time. super flustered and awkward when they like someone, but after confirmation their crush is reciprocated, they’re a flirty menace. can be very insecure, despite their strong nature. don’t like hearing about people talking bad about them, don’t like not being liked, but at the same time is kinda like fuck it then. they need mentally stimulating jobs and work, (so loves patrol duty, but hates the gardening shit and kitchen / inventory duties.).

not shallow - they need their partners to have a thrilling mind and personality. honestly have tendencies to crush on people they think they ‘can’t have’, because the chase is exciting. humour and intelligence is what they find most attractive and sexy, above all else. if the relationship gets boring or receptive - they’re out. (but, since i believe ellie has a taurus moon, if the person is interesting enough, she will want to settle down with them.) very playful people, they’re light-hearted and don’t take much too seriously. they love taking their time to get to know someone before diving into a relationship.

drawn to partners who are optimistic, humorous, can see the bright side of life and have fun despite circumstance. they love mysterious/unpredictable people. they are very open-minded, not quick to judge. they can be misunderstood easily by others, struggle with a sense of not-belonging, are often the odd one out. they like to distance themselves from others and from intense moments of connection with humour and jest. they aren’t great with intimacy - after a life of being misunderstood and judged, they become flighty and nervous around vulnerability. they need to be taught intimacy with steady understanding, patience, and compassion. they love to learn, and to learn through love. they are constantly worried about awkward moments, tense situations, doing something wrong and fucking everything up. they’re used to being independent and not needing people, so the notion of relationships sometimes scare them.

they aren’t inclined to follow the expected path of relationship - dates, marriage, kids, not their thing. they don’t conform, don’t subscribe to societal standards or expectations, they’ll love who they want, how they want, when they want. when in a relationship, they have a grating need to always know what their partner is thinking, and will ask questions and dissect answers. they’re fascinated by personhood - especially that of the ones they love. when they finally open themselves up to love, they will love you like you are a distant, undiscovered planet. something to get to know, something to explore, something to make a home on. they might sometimes expect you to act the way they want you too, but even when you don’t, they will love you all the same - because they value differences, a fresh perspective, a change in scenery. curiosity is intimacy to them, and finding is their love language.

can be very impatient people, though. they are fast-moving in all but connection. can struggle with trust issues and skepticism, hence the relentless question-asking and reassurance-seeking when in love. they enjoy taking risks and dive into the unknown and un-experienced. they are deeply provocative and expectant, they value change and flow - stubbornness aggravates them, and they hate to be put in a box.

Aries Mars - i mean, anger issues, hellooo. very quick to anger, (like at the dance, instantly turns around to confront seth.) constantly on the offensive, always looking for threats or taunts. very strong drive, very determined. if they set a goal they will do anything to achieve it. very blunt and won’t take shit, don’t like to sugar coat or beat around the bush and don’t like it when others do it either. they prefer honesty. not afraid to stick up for themselves and others. hard-headed asf. not afraid of conflict and confrontation. can be very antagonising and vindictive. super strong emotionally and mentally, but can act very immature and childish. stroppy asf.

again, very protective of those they love. very possessive of their partners but won’t show it. tries to reason with themself, but still, rlly uncomfortable when ppl look or flirt with their partner. rlly enjoys flirting when they like someone and knows they are liked back. they love the push and pull, the balance of power, the taste of passion and sensuality.

they struggle with authority!! hates people telling them what to do, how to act, telling them they can’t do something. desires to be seen as strong and powerful. are pretty intimidating when they’re mad, have explosive anger when they’re not acting totally aloof and distant. resentful ass person, will forgive but won’t forget. they’ll pretend everything is fine for a while but eventually will blow up on someone and give them a piece of their mind. HATES being punished.

hates boring, tedious jobs. needs to feel wanted and needed, like they’re a productive member of the team/community. prefers hands-on, stimulating, rewarding work. has a keen awareness of danger but most of the time will head straight into it anyway - they plan and think it through a little, but are always ready to dive right in.

they are incredibly bold people, and are proud of their boldness. they honestly might enjoy when people disagree with them or their actions, so they can stand firm in their opinion, and strive to prove themselves. they will demand honesty and mutual respect. they don’t try to be something they’re not - they are what they are, are who they are, and you can like it or screw off. they have tendencies to say the wildest things just to garner a reaction - they find it amusing. incredibly rebellious in nature, enjoy breaking rules and pushing boundaries. they find rules and regulations stupid and pointless. they can feel smothered easily, don’t like when too much is expected of them, don’t like being forced to do what they don’t want to do. they hate ultimatums. they very much dislike the feeling of fear, the feeling of helplessness, and will aggressively strive to be free of those feelings - to scare the fear off, to dig themselves in a hole to escape, to never ever back down.

they enjoy feeling powerful. they will fight tooth and nail to win, despite what harm might come to them in the process. in fact, they demand that harm comes to them - they hate easy wins, they hate the lack of tiredness, the lack of pain, the lack of substance to their victory. if it isn’t hard to accomplish; then it isn’t an accomplishment. they love watching someone’s face as they realise they’ve been bested, adrenaline is a drug to them. they love the power of freedom from rules, expectation, emotions. they love being challenged, being tested, being provoked. they cannot stand being ignored / shut out / discarded. they need a partner who can accept them, appreciate them, but still push back against their torrents of willpower. they find weak-willed, spineless people offensive and pathetic - though if it’s someone they love, will strive to protect them, and toughen them up in the mean time. they need a partner who is just as strong as them. they don’t like bullies, power hungry dictators, or laziness.

aries mars do not bend, they break. and when bested; they are wrathful. spiteful, resentful, vengeful. they will take back what was taken from them, they are relentless and swift in their rage.

traumas -

no water in her personal placements but i’d say some of her planets are in a water house or her water ruled houses.

mars or venus in the 12th house - (leo and pisces ruled) - feels extremely deeply but detaches when hurt or betrayed. pretends they don’t care and everything is fine when they’re in pain. issues with vulnerability in relationships, doesn’t like to seem like a burden. suicidal ideation in relation to trauma. avoidant issues. fear of being alone, trust issues, self-depreciation issues. is a hype-person, supports the people they loves with words and actions. fear of being misunderstood. can be avoidant, not very social, doesn’t like small talk, insecurity and self-worth issues. also can cause intense dreams and nightmares. deep and violently strong emotions are extremely hard for them to grasp - they will ignore the feelings, shut them out, and focus only on action and instinct. but those strong emotions will come back to bite, it will manifest in physical ways like a pit in the chest, a hole in the stomach, a strain in the muscles. it will hang over them like a storm cloud, stealing their attention and their personhood until all they can see is murk. it’s very hard for them to work through trauma and give in.

i’d say she has a pisces or a scorpio saturn, probably in the 4th house (cancer and sag ruled) - family issues and self-identity issues. death of family members at a young age, wishes for family and belonging but can’t achieve it. self-destructive and independent, doesn’t like to conform or be ordered around. focused on their own goals and desires, despite who it might hurt. would look down on people they view as “weak”, or not capable of surviving, but would still try to protect them, and maybe toughen them up a lil. wouldn’t like crying in front of people or showing weakness, even when in long term relationships. they hide when they cry, wouldn’t want to talk about their traumas or emotions. they see their problems as belongings, and don’t like to share. familial connections and belonging is a deep wound for them, which can lead to detachment and avoidant issues. if they manage to let someone in, and are subsequently betrayed, they are relentless in their dismissal - they will leave you out in the cold, despite the deep urges for reconciliation - they cannot allow you to hurt them again, and once you’re revealed as a threat, they will crush you with silence and insouciance.

also, her virgo rising would make her 8th house ruled by aries. 8th house rules trauma and stuff to do with death (amongst other things) - aries is head trauma, traumatic and sudden, violent deaths, and rage-fuelled vengeance (rip joel). impulsive actions leading to destruction. doesn’t care about getting injured, is very good a dealing with injuries etc. very suspicious and skeptical. prone to head, face, and back injuries. prone to violence, but can be a little affected by seeing it or causing it. they find great satisfaction in winning fights/battles, especially against people they have a… vendetta against.

NSFW - feel kinda weird doing this, idk why, i literally write vulgar smut about her. anyway.

we don’t know anything about ellie’s sexual life/history/preferences. we can glean hints through her general reactions and personality, but i don’t rlly have anything to bounce off of. below are the sexual translations of the signs i assigned to her, (so, you can decide if the above depictions of the signs i assigned match her personality and characteristics, and if so, the nsfw things below are just as accurate despite the placements being my opinion.) so basically, im factoring her gemini venus, aries mars, taurus moon, and gemini mercury into my predictions.

to clarify, i’m a sub-ellie truther, but due to the way she crawls on top of dina on the couch, and also the way she’s all over her at the farm, below is my opinion on her sexual nature based on the placements i guessed she has - so, i’m factoring mainly her (assumed) birth chart, and general demeanour. but she’s defo subby half the time - defo switchy.

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extremely horny. switch vibes. love dirty talk. loves to be praised. likes hair-pulling. enjoys risky sex (we’re not supposed to be doing this / public stuff (but she probs wouldn’t initiate straight up public sex, she’d like if her partner did tho)). but also, when deeply in love, enjoys romantic, passionate, emotional sex. uses sex as a way to express love and connect. acts of service (not strictly a top tho), loves to focus on her partner. but also, sometimes can be kind of selfish in sex, cuz (again, not strictly a dom) aries mars do like to be in charge and in control. in contrast, would also defo love to be used and advanced on (like she’d love the thought of a pretty girl/person on top of her. the only way i can think to explain it is like, feeling like prey, but not in a lack of control or scared way. she’d love knowing she’s wanted carnally by a hot girl/person - though she can be rlly shy about it sometimes.)

defo loves eating pussy and getting hers ate, more so than just fingers - but still rlly enjoys fingering cuz she can be all up in her partners face while she does it. i think she’d enjoy the idea of strapping, likes to fuck with something bigger than fingers and loves to watch her partners face as she fucks them, feel them scratch her back, their legs wrap around her, etc. but also tribbing, defo loves that even more. i think she’d enjoy being fingered more than being strapped herself, but it feels good so she’d still like it, (she just might be a lil shy and embarrassed and would need to feel a strong connection). she’d love getting her face sat on !!!!!!! so much!!! being smothered in her partners thighs, being able to see up their body as they ride her face - she’d love being used like that, but also would love making her partner feel so good they can barely hold themself up cuz it makes her feel powerful.

going back to dirty talk, prob likes taunting/being taunted - but not straight up mocking, humiliation, or degradation - just a tasteful amount of teasing. loves dirty talking in public, like whispering in each others ear n shiz. and secret touches. loves smacking butt, during sex but also just any time. loves boobies, obvi, she’s probs quite gropey (not in a weird way). also has an oral fixation, loves lips. and also necks, neck kisses, biting, hickeys (but only likes herself to see them, would be so embarrassed if joel or her friends saw hickeys on her or her partners neck.) likes holding her partners neck but not choking. again, loves hickeys, but prefers to leave them where others can’t see, unless ppl won’t see her partners neck for a while for some reason - but, on boobs, thighs, etc, would love to leave her mark on her partner, physical proof of their wild nights together.

probs enjoy rough sex but not violent, like a lil bit of pain (again, hair pulling, light slaps (not to the face), biting, scratches.) more inclined to groan, pant, grunt, curse, stuff like that butttt, when she’s rlly into it, HUGE WHIMPERER. and whiny too. she’d enjoy edging a lottt, and when it’s her being edged she’s so whiny and pleading. she’d feel powerful keeping her partner on the edge of bliss, it being up to her when she lets you feel it. and she’d love the gratification of being edged herself - it’s not an easy, quick finish - she has to earn it and she loves that. also, she’d secretly enjoy loosing control - she’s used to being strong-willed, staunchly in control of her life, always getting what she wants - so, when she’s close, she’d actually enjoy the pleading aspect of begging you to let her orgasm, and the explosive satisfaction of finally finishing.

dacryphilia kink perhaps, again not in a rlly violent way but a pleasure way, loves to see her partner totally fucked out and almost sobbing from pleasure. likes claiming - “you’re mine.” and likes to be claimed herself. when’s she’s feeling subby or caught off guard, gets rlly flustered and shaky - but not unsure, she knows what she wants. would enjoy watching her partner pleasure themselves in front of her, or want them touch themselves while she fucks them n stuff. also likes body hair on her partner!!! and herself obvi, defooo doesn’t give a shit about shaving. but she’d like to trim herself up, being a virgo rising and all. also, she’d like overstim a little. again, not in a sadistic way, she just thinks it’s cute when her partner gasps, twitches, jolts, and shakes.

again, i want to clarify, none of the sex stuff i mentioned would be in a rlly dominant way. more like she’s just a horny person and enjoys all those things in both a top/bottom way, but not overly dom, mean, or domineering. just an awkward nerd who has a slutty side, and it’s more of a fascination with the things i mentioned than a commanding or controlling urge. aries mars is very switch to me, because they love being in control and feeling powerful, but also love their partner to be similarly agressive and commanding. also she’s not totally serious all the time, she’d have a sweet side, and also would defo joke around sometimes during sex and be silly. don’t think she’d be big on porn, but would like sexual pics of her partner / pics of them partaking in sexual acts together. probs not filmed, she’d hate to watch herself, but pics, yeah.

she’d LOVE make out sessions. when she’s in the mood for it, could spend hours kissing her partner, dry humping, squeezing their butt and boobs, kissing their neck. she’d need freshness in her sex life - boring, sappy, cut and dry sex is not her thing. she’d love the unexpected, being surprised, being seduced. as i said, she would like ‘sappy’ sex sometimes, but more in the way of deep connection and the thrill of being in tune with one another’s bodies, being able to make each other shake and cry out and feel good.

like i said, aries mars & taurus moons have tendencies to be extremely horny people, very sex driven. BUT, sometimes they’re just not in the mood and want to focus on their interests, (reading, gaming, art, in ellie’s case), and just chilling and cuddling - watching movies n stuff. i think ellie would like being read to, laying on her partners chest while they read to her cuz she loves hearing their voice. sometimes gemini mercuries get super into their hobbies and she might accidentally ignore her partner cuz she’s so invested in her comic/movie/game/doodling. but a sure way to get her going would to be kinda agressive (not violent), like pulling whatever it is out of her hands, undressing in front of her, talking dirty until she can’t focus. then she’ll let you do what you want. if she’s not in the mood, a simple “i’m horny” won’t cut it - she wants you to earn her arousal, make it exciting, make it unexpected.

attraction wise - factoring her taurus moon, gemini venus, and aries mars. she’d like women/ppl who are very sure of themselves, so, similar to her - don’t take shit, stand up for themselves and others, strong, not overly emotional or needy. cuz she’s independent, needs her partner to be too - though she’d secretly love clingy behaviour sometimes cuz it makes her feel special, but she’d tease her partner for it. she’d need a partner who she finds rlly funny, can have interesting convos and banter with, and someone she can share her interests with and talk about them together. wouldn’t like immaturity or childishness (though she’d has those tendencies herself). wouldn’t like someone who beats around the bush, she likes her partner to speak their mind and be honest and straight up. defo wouldn’t notice someone has a crush on her unless they’re super up front about it.

but also, loves to be cared for. obvi ellie has mommy issues… ie, she never had one. so, she’d love acts of service and words of affirmation, she’d love being called “good girl” n shiz like that. loves to feel special, and cared for. probs wouldn’t go so far as to call her partner mommy (unless she’s very connected to her partner, rlly rlly overwhelmed by pleasure and immersed in the moment, it might slip out) would defo have freudian tendencies (not in a weird pedo childlike way!!! just, the caring aspect, and ‘motherly’ actions would make her feel all warm and gooey). so i think she’d love laying on her partners chest, getting her hair stroked and played with, getting her back stroked. she’d love handholding in public and in private. needs someone she can chill with, watch movies, have little picnic/nature dates with.

doesn’t rlly care about appearance, she’s not picky at all. but, she’d be drawn to ppl with darker features. she’d like quite rough appearances, loves ppl with battle scars and personality. she’d like ppl who rlly express themselves through their appearance; piercings, hair dye, tattoos, an interesting style. (though, again, it’s not a dealbreaker.) she’d like someone with a cool music taste. she’d like ppl with like grungy/emo/dark styles. she’d be drawn to more fem-esq girls, but would like them to still have a rough, strong edge to their appearance. like, she’d like toned muscles on a girl (but again, not picky with body types or appearances, she’d just be more drawn to the things i mention.) so she’d like ppl who are both fem and masc in certain aspects. if her partner is fem, she’d like seeing them in skirts n stuff, and them sitting on her lap while in a skirt. she would like tight clothing on her partners - but, again, doesn’t care too much about appearance/outfits. mental stimulation, personality, and conversations are far far more important to her in a relationship.

she’d like someone with a sarcastic humour. also someone who’s rlly empathetic and caring, but not to their own detriment. wouldn’t rlly enjoy people pleasers (though she has tendencies herself if it’s someone she cares about). she’d find intelligence very attractive. she’d pretend she doesn’t like gooey love stuff - like kisses all over her face, someone who’s very touchy, compliments, love letters - but secretly she’d love it. also would loveee a possessive partner (but not jealous, that would frustrate her), so someone who touches her in public (handholding, standing close, holding her arm), gives her lil pecks, is vocal about how ellie’s their girl, etc. she’d like someone who doesn’t care what people say about / think of them.

i think she’d like to imagine a future family with her partner, like kids and stuff, but she’d not too focused on it cuz obviously she’s a lesbian in an apocalypse. she’d have qualms about bringing children into the apocalyptic world, but she’d love to fantasise about having a family and having little babies running around. might even be a tender spot to her, how bad she wants kids in the future but feels she can’t cuz of circumstances. would defo adopt tho, like if she finds an orphan or something lmao. she’d be a rlly good mom (ignoring the fact that she left jj… there were extenuating circumstances…). would love sharing her interests with her kiddies, teaching them and showing them things. she’d be strict sometimes, mainly when it comes to her kids safety, but overall she’d totally be the ‘fun mom’. she’d love raising little peeps with her partner. if that were to ever happen tho, it’d be way into her 30s, cuz she’d be focused on being independent and living her life in her 20s.

—

birthday ramble -

there are some different opinions on when her birthday is because it’s never actually mentioned. some ppl say the end of spring/start of summer (gemini), some ppl say end of summer (august/virgo).

for me personally i’m gonna assume it’s around july, bcuz i think gemini suits her but also, IF IM REMEMBERING CORRECTLY (probably not cuz im a pisces mercury), ellie was 13 in the scene with riley, and three weeks later when she meets joel she’s 14. and im pretty sure it was the start of summer, not the end of summer, cuz it takes them like 9 months to get to salt lake city, and when they do it’s the start of spring, and ellie isn’t 15 yet. (so they leave around may/june when ellie is already 14, get to slc around march time, ellie is still 14) also in the flashback to her 15th it looks like summer and they’re wearing summer clothes. and it’s kinda clear from their conversations that it’s only been a few months since they arrived in jackson. (left slc in march and got back to jackson end of march/april, ellie’s birthday would be around two months later.)

but i could be misinformed, either way, these r the placements i think she has due to her appearance, socialising, emotions, trauma, drive, intelligence, communication, relationships, etc, so it doesn’t rllyyyy matter when her bday is.

—

sorry about changing tenses and unorganised rambles. i’m dyslekic and also just spew astrology shit out quick fire. formatting is horrible, again, i’m a pisces mercury, pls don’t expect sense, organised structure, or un-convoluted sentences from me. (apart from in my fics. no, actually i still ramble in those.)

okay, will probs do a Vi version soon if i feel so inclined. cuz she might be my fave character evaaa. jinx version would be fun too. and perhaps a joel version… if i can be bothered to focus on a man for more than 5minutes (i dooo love his character too tho.)

[butterabrod]

Old Michelle's Q&A, pt.5

I guess I've been loitering about this for too long

I've always thought of Nevy as of one of the smartest and cuning demons in the cast. Instead of terrorising her vessel or beign their doormat, she formed a strong bond with Gil. And I was thinking it is genuine somewhat mother (or like older sister) love from Nevy to our lil salty blue boy.

But... from this panel, I've started to doubt her.

Most of the fandom at that time was worring that the pink lady is becoming weaker and/or growing sick. But even then I was thinking that being the ghost of one of the strongest creatures in the universe, how is it possible for her to be that weak for such a short period of time as like ~13ish years?

Gil is the only person she has met who can interact with her. I can't really blame her for beign pushy: he and his promise to help are the only thing she's got, and she as practically immortal being has seen how weak he is, and his life is short. Nevy really is on a timer with him.

But what seemed to me as her caring about Gil, now feels like Nevy thinking only about herself.

Gil, as a victim of terrible catastrophe decided to become a doctor to help others like him. It was natural for him to go and help those who were in need.

Now this moment doesn't feel like her genuine sadness and guilt. I think, she just needed a reassurrence, that she is still the most important thing for him in the whole universe.

Still, I've thought that Nevy has developed a new more honest and loving personality while being amnisiac. And she changed that much because she remembered a lot of her past.

But did she?

Did she, thought?

I think Gil will never get out of toxic cult. Yes, he does have someone who is more important than TITAN as Michelle said.

It's Nevy, who's not only a politician.

She IS priestess

And she's not ashamed at all to use religious imagery to influence Gil even more.

She's not ashamed to show a very lonely orphan boy that she, his only friend with mother figure vibes could 'die painfully' because of his disobedience

When one of the most assholic couples in the universe says that someone is not trustworthy - it is says volumes

Talking about couples. I think that Gil has no chances to not to fall for Odin

Also I find it sus that Nevy remembered the feeling of beign in love not near Ava, Wrathia's vessel, but near Pedri's vessel, Odin.

I'm sure she sees herself as the God of love, Venus, Aphrodite or even Eros. People of Antiquity era believed that love and passion were forms of madness. In a bad way, even gods feared Eros.

And I think she's forcing Gil to fall in love with Odin just to make him even more despirate and lonely, to save her status as the only reliable thing for him in the whole Universe.

At that point Gil was trying to become the best follower, just to have a chance to learn somethig about Nevy's past. Maggie was the first person in 8 years to remind him, that he might have his own questions.

And I think Nevy has already failed her vibe check to Odin

Here is a list of much-much-much better theories and their authors

@biofluxitecovetess https://www.tumblr.com/biofluxitecovetess/182904787000/hello-everyone-i-have-another-theory-so-before?source=share

@crazyangrycupcake https://www.tumblr.com/crazyangrycupcake/183163318965/nevy-makes-this-face-when-she-tells-ava-shes?source=share

@doublethetheories https://www.tumblr.com/doublethetheories/184836709578/gils-dream-dissection?source=share

And another thing to think about

[who-is-page]

Wag Those Tail Feathers: The Wonders of Alterhuman Courtship

Author: Page Type: Essay Words: 1,065 Summary: Page's perspective on alterhuman courtship, as an individual who has been both on the receiving and giving ends of it.

[Part of the Sol System’s Alterhuman Writing Project for 2024. If you don’t want to see these posts, block the tag #inkedclaws]

As a polyamorous alterhuman, I’ve had the wonderful experience of being in relationships with people who have a variety of different courtship instincts— sometimes even all at the same time! Including my own instincts, it’s led up to some interesting realizations about the variety and diversity of expressions of love, and how wonderful it can be to be loved by an alterhuman (and to be an alterhuman in love, too).

My personal experiences, notably, revolve specifically around being nonhuman and this applies to a majority of my partners as well, which influences the flavor of this discussion. It’s been a wonder to be the target of a feathery mating dance, to be wooed with draconic jewelry and treasures, or to have my partner jump out with a meal, as proud as could be at displaying their hunting skills for a mate. It’s not necessarily just a nonhuman thing, either, of course; my orthohuman partner exhibits some similar sort of feelings and actions, too! Something which comes across especially strong in his hunt-and-gather supply-hoarding behavior in video games. But there’s something so especially intimate about having your alterhuman partner court you in a way unique to their species identity. It’s a beyond flattering form of trust, love, and affection.

And as an alterhuman who has targeted my partners, alterhuman and orthohuman alike, with my own affections, it’s also uniquely affirming to have your partners engage with your varieties of courtship for your species. There’s something incredibly special to have them try to learn your rituals and woo you in turn, even if they don’t have the same instincts driving them. It’s love with intention, a conscious effort to learn a language that’s typically foreign to them or which they might otherwise never come across on such a personal level. It may not always be perfectly executed, but the intentions behind them make them perfect regardless.

I’m someone who’s fully public about my alterhumanity. I don’t hide that I’m a dog and (luckily) no one especially seems to care in the day-to-day when I’m meeting up with strangers and acquantinces. But it’s become an important part of my dating life that potential partners need to not only be aware of my alterhumanity and accept it, but they also need to interact with it. You could argue that my spouse set the bar high for any potential future partners with how he took to my canine-ness and plurality like a fish to water, but I’m of the opinion that it’s something that should be the norm, not something so utterly unexpected by many.

Being able to engage in alterhuman courtship with your partner, as serious or as silly as it may fundamentally end up being, shouldn’t be something that you feel is utterly unreachable, that you yearn for but never feel like you’ll be able to reach. Alterhuman courtship is a wonderous experience; something that I think it’s not only important for alterhuman folks to be able to freely do with those they love most, but also to be on the receiving end of, too. It can be easy to default to the status quo in relationships, because of the societal pressure around us. Normativity around romance, sex, and even platonic affections is something that is constantly at play in the backgrounds of our culture and which embeds itself into our conciousnesses in unexpected and often invisible ways; and it’s difficult to dissect these without exposing ourselves to what some might list as “weird” or “unusual” urges and behaviors. But we can’t unpack the shame or embarrassment that might be holding us back from engaging with these urges unless we actually let ourselves acknowledge the collective, confusing feelings abound within them. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to shrug our shoulders and simply say, “I suppose I’ll never find someone who can accept me as my [species] and all that entails,” or to just resign ourselves to having to hide a part of ourselves away forever to maintain relationships.

We should toss these types of negative feelings aside and embrace our alterhuman courtship urges in earnest: that sometimes we’re not fully human, or we’re human a little to the right, and that inevitably makes romance, sex, and platonic interactions a little different for us than it might look for standard folks as displayed on a big screen. It’s not a failure on our part, and it’s not something that needs to be squirreled away due to internalized respectability politics. We can love ourselves and find love in others, for and by being ourselves. We can experience unique forms of love and adore those factors in others. This is, to me, a part of the territory that comes with being alterhuman or knowing alterhumans. It’s a part of what makes life wonderous.

In my partnerships, I love getting to bring my partners gifts. I love to bring them tiny treasures, small things from my system’s hoard, to pebble at them almost like a penguin would (sometimes including a silly little dance, of love!) It goes beyond standard gift-giving in the way that most of the people I’ve met would think of it, where presents that large are often reserved for special occasions like holidays and birthday. But it’s something I do year-round, to show my partners that they’re always on my mind, and that what is mine is their’s, too. I do the same thing with food; while normally incredibly food protective, both due to species identity and past food insecurities, I make the effort to share my favorite foods with my partners for the same fundamental reasons. To share my food, my bed, my life— and to have my partners recognize that as not just general displays of love, but as specifically displays of love intertwined with what I am, is something which displays a deep level of understanding and acceptance for my species. It’s something I’m grateful for beyond words, but it’s also something that I don’t want us as a community to accept as unheard of, or as just a one-off, lucky occurrence. Love like this is achievable and rewarding, both as a recipient of such alterhuman affections and as the giver. And we all deserve to experience it, in whatever form of love that we feel most comfortable with. Don’t tell yourself otherwise; don’t settle for less just because you feel like you have no other choice.

[alexandraisyes]

What would happen if you were a writer for TSAMS?

I mean we'll never know unless we try, however-

God the temptation to make jokes about shipping ajfsdkg;ljfasd;l

In all seriousness I'm good at finding and fixing plot holes and writing consistent storylines. I've been writing solo for years, and recently I've been co-writing fics for this fandom. And stars I'll say it now, obviously I wouldn't drag fan ships into the canon lore, that would be stupid considering most of them just wouldn't work with canon.

If I had the chance to write for TSAMS I would definitely try to influence the way certain things (specifically things like mental disorders) are portrayed, because I understand being part of the audience and the frustration of only seeing part of the story and missing an entire important perspective. I personally find so much enjoyment in that because I get to tear everything apart, dissect it, and put it back together so the fandom can understand what the story is portraying, but the fact that someone is required to tear it apart to get what should have been an obvious message most of the time is an issue, in my opinion.

A consistent problem I've noticed with TSAMS is that it's overly omnipotent on some things while being too closed about others. This is a narrative problem that stems from not having enough time to figure out the best approach for new situations they want to incorporate. This is because the writers/VAs are so bogged down by personal projects, stream schedules, their servers, life, etc that they just don't have time to figure these things out. Especially when the company is pushing for more content/lore episodes and they're just a team of four. Four very very busy individuals that have to write AND voice act the entire cast of characters. I feel like having someone who is just a writer would help with a lot of the inconsistency and unresolved plot holes.

There's a lot of strong potential for things that would stem back as far as two years that would be so interesting to see incorporated, but they just don't have the time to work through those and it's easier to keep jumping on new boats and abandoning the ones they have to sink because of unresolved tears in the plot letting more inconsistencies trickle in like so much water. So I would absolutely work to correct those and clean up the holes and resolve unanswered questions.

I'd also push for more consistent characterization, or rather better worded, deeper characterization. Not that they don't have good characterization now, overall I think they do a decent job, but there are just some things that I wish they'd touch on more. Likes, dislikes, disorders, complications, relationships, etc. What really makes up these characters; I'd probably end up with a complicated character web for the main cast at the very least to help with consistent storytelling. I do this with my own AUs to keep characters consistent, including quirks (For example Solar Flare always refers to people by their full name in my writing). It would also be interesting to dig deeper into what makes the characters them. Their personalities, beliefs, interests, morality/standards (for those without morals), and what they did and didn't find traumatic (as well as what level of trauma).

God even just the thought of how I could potentially fix the dumpster fire (/affectionate /positive) of TSAMS and co is a little exciting because there's just so much potential lying around untampered with that I would happily dig my grubby little claws into.

[caffinedragon]

Power is a Curious Thing.

Plot: Astarion, lamenting over the power he believes Cazador may still have over him, turns to R'yleh(Durge) to ask how a Bhaalspawn can live without fear of the god that brought him into the world or the desire to not try and claim the same power for himself if the chance arose.

He tells him the secret his Patron Mother told him that changed his relationship with his father and the nature of power, forever.

"How do you do it?" Astarion asked as he sat next to him as he actively dissected one of the many tadpoles he had collected on their journey.

"Do what?"

"Know that someone has control over you and yet not seek out the power to bring them to heel? That creature could help you fight against the influence of Bhaal, why do you take it apart and study it instead of using it to make yourself more powerful?"

"1. I have enough tentacles of my own, i do not need anymore." He replied as he paused to scribble down into his journal a drawing of the tadpoles insides. "2. Most of the 'abilities' i would be granted i already have or can have without surrendering myself to a hive mind." Once he scribbled down a few motes around the drawing he went back to dissecting some more. "And 3. Because i know the actual secret about 'true power'."

"Oh you do do you? Please enlighten me."

Without looking up from his task he explained, "When i first met my mother, I was like you. Desperate to become more powerful. Desperate to become strong enough to take out any and all threats. To be safe no matter the cost." He began removing some of the small creatures internal organs and laid them out along the flat rock he was using as a table. "My plan was to usurp even my father as the God of Murder so that he could never hurt me again. But then...I met my mother. And everything changed."

Astarion moved to the opposite side of the rock table so he was facing him, "How so?"

"She told me what true power, really was."

"And what is that?"

"A trick. The greatest trick in the book."

"Power is a trick? You can't be serious?"

R'yleh nodded as he began to draw the different organs into his journal, scribbling thoughts and notes around them in an alien language. "Do you like riddles Astarion? Shall I tell you the one my mother posed to me?"

"Out of Morbid curiosity...go ahead."

"Three great men sit in a room, a king, a priest, and a rich man. All three men surround a sell sword trying to convince him to align with one of them and kill the other two. Who lives? Who dies?"

"I would imagine whoever made the best deal to the sell sword would live while the other two died."

"Are you sure?"

"Of Course! Only a fool would not take them up on the offer!"

"But why is the sell sword holding so much power over them? All three are Great men. Powerful men. Why are they trying so desperately to convince a common sell sword, a peasant, not to kill them?"

Astarion opened his mouth as if to answer then stopped. R'yleh saw his face tilt down to the ground, his brows furrowing as he honestly tried to figure out the question he had asked.

R'yleh continued writing in his journal and dissecting the creature for a few moments more before speaking up again. "Do you want the answer?"

Astarion looked to him, frustrated but curious. "What is it?"

"Power only resides where people believe it resides. Kings, Queens, Emperors, hells even Gods loose their power when the people stop believing they have it." R'yleh closed his journal and began cleaning up his work station. "The day i understood that, was the day my father stopped having control over me. It is why now he can only take control while i sleep." He took the bits and pieces of the tadpole and tossed them into the nearby fire. "Of course, with being a spawn you are in the same boat I am and that is where powers greatest weakness comes in."

"And what is that?"

R'yleh held up his journal, "Information."

"Books? Really?" He scoffed.

"No." R'yleh manifested his black shadow blade, "In order for a tyrant like Cazador to keep his supposed power, he has to convince his victims that he has it. The easiest way to break that apart, is to be able to prove without a doubt..." He laid it across his lap and leaned forward towards Astarion, "That he is full of shit. Information is the best way to do that." he leaned back and raised his sword up as if studying it. "Information is how you find your enemies weaknesses. Information is how you cut off trade routes, blackmail nobles, and be able to put the right glove on the wrong table and spark a war. With the right information," He rests the edge of the blade against his neck, "You can slit their throat before they even know you were ever their." He then mimicked the action before dispelling the blade back into the shadows again.

"You speak as if you have experience in this."

"My Patron Mother is an Eldritch being who's whole existence is gathering and often weaponizing information to bring those like Cazador and Bhaal to their knees. She taught her son well."

"Apprantly not well enough to not get stabbed in the head by your sister."

"It was not the approach i expected from her but ti got the job done."

Astarion sat back in suprise, "Are you saying you let her try to kill you?"

"I didn't just lie down and let her do it. I at least made it convincing." He shrugged, "Of course I did not expect she would think of putting one of the Tadpoles in my head but apparently she was more spiteful then i thought. Ah well."

"Are all Bhaalspawn like this?"

"Pretty much. Of course i was my father's attempt at resetting the bloodline. Jokes on him, yeah?"

"Why did he want to reset the bloodline?"

"My 'sister's' father is also her grandfather."

Astarion put a hand over his mouth and made a very audible gagging noise. "By the Gods... I do not blame him."

"So, speaking of information my dear vampire..."

"Yes?"

"How would you like to know how to make Cazador's power over you null and void?"

Astarion bit his lip before scooting in close, "I am listening."

[octoberland]

Invisible

Only TWD would get me to come back here writing my fandom thoughts. It's a landmine because you never know how people will react. I am going to share some deeply personal thoughts. I ask that you treat this vulnerability with the respect that it deserves. Spoilers for tonight's episode. And a trigger warning for my personal experiences with abuse.

I met Carol 14 years ago. It was a time in my life when she was a mirror for me. Meek, scared, abused Carol. The little mouse. Jumping when Ed said jump.

By the time the show aired that year I had extricated myself from my situation. But I was still terrified every day. I mostly didn't sleep at night. When I did sleep, I would prop things against the doors so I could hear if someone came in. I would rarely be out of the house at night. On the occasions I was outside after dark I would be walking with my heart in my throat, beating the loudest of drums in my ears. Every stranger was a potential threat. Every shadow could be him coming back to kill me.

I latched onto Carol in my fear and despair. I understood her. Related to her. Felt inspired by her. I was hers from the moment she bashed Ed's skull in. It was so cathartic watching her do that. I wished I could have that moment in my life.

Like her, people judged me. People blamed me for being with a man like that. Said I must like bad boys. Said I liked the attention. Asked why I didn't just leave. It's all so easy to dissect when you're on the outside.

Unlike Carol I didn't have a walker to take out my abuser. I extricated myself. It was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. And it came with great risk. And I mostly did it alone.

I watched as she grew strong. And I grew strong too. Like her, I learned to fight. To be fair, she was not my only influence there. I have Captain America/Chris Evans to thank for that too. I hope someday I get to tell him that story. But watching her grow was an inspiration.

Like many people, I was moved by her ability to connect with Daryl. You don't understand how hard that can be after abuse. It's been 14 years and I've still not been in another relationship. I may never be again. That kind of abuse leaves an indelible mark on you.

But with him she blossomed. Sexually, emotionally, and just as a human. I admired her ability to do that.

The trauma was still there though. We saw that. Her edges became too sharp. Her distance too cold. But I get it. I really, truly get it.

But through it all her relationship with Daryl remained. They were each other's North Star. Not perfect, but constant.

But the sad truth is, at the end of the day these characters don't belong to us. They are written by flawed humans with personal agendas and like with any long running series, the longer it runs the higher chance for writers to fuck things up.

Before I dive more specifically into tonight's episode and the Book of Carol let me just say that I still love Carol and I still love Daryl and I still love Caryl. If you want to stop reading here just know that Carol remains an icon to me for very personal reasons. But that is part of why I'm writing this.

Potential spoilers beyond the cut.

The writing this season is sloppy, imho. And this is where I put my writer hat on and try to look at things more objectively. It seems like Gimple is mining the past because it's "cool" and not because he actually wants to address any long standing trauma that Carol has.

Everyone's trauma journey is different and I get that. But after 14 years I doubt that Carol is going to start panicking when going into a barn. In fact, we've already seen her entering barns in early seasons without any issues. I wish the show had consulted some trauma experts. They could have provided some examples of things that might actually set her off. Like seeing a little girl walker. Or meeting a child named Sophia. And speaking of that, I know Carol is supposed to be tough and sneaky and all that but the episode where she lied about her daughter to get the plane really bothered me. If the memory of her daughter is so traumatic I feel like she would not use her daughter like that.

This reunion episode was a missed opportunity to explore trauma in a more meaningful way. It was a missed opportunity for Carol and Daryl to have some truly meaningful conversations. I know I've said this before but she FLEW ACROSS THE OCEAN. DURING AN APOCALYPSE. And all he basically did was grunt one liners at her and lie about how he never stopped trying to get back to her. These two deserve to have a real conversation where they talk about how incredible what she did was. They need to talk about what that means for each of them. And I'm not even talking about romance. Daryl has never had anyone do anything like that for him. Does he understand how profound an act that was? If he ever had any doubt as to how much Carol cared for him this should have erased it. And for Carol, this could also be a wake up call for her too. While being hard and cunning is good for survival, this is an opportunity for her to be vulnerable. To express what he means to her. Or to maybe even face any codependence she has with Daryl.

I feel bad what happened to Isabelle. It kind of feels like an FU to her character. As much as I love Caryl I'm not in support of fridging women for a ship or for man pain. I'm glad we got to see her and Carol together but I wish we could have seen them together a little longer. Again, there is a missed opportunity for some really interesting conversations.

I can't help but feel that this show is suffering under the leadership of male writers and showrunners. There's such nuance to be had here and it's being funneled down to base tropes. Genet is evil because her husband died. Carol is just now having flashbacks to something that happened a decade ago because we need her to grow emotionally and we can't think of another way to do that without mining her motherhood. Isabelle has to die because God forbid two adults actually have a conversation about emotions.

I honestly can't guess where this series is going right now. Every time I think I know what is going to happen something else happens instead. Normally this would be a good thing but here it just feels sloppy. Are they dicking around Caryl? Will they kill her? Or him? Or do they plan for this to go into more seasons? I haven't a clue. But it feels like whiplash, like they are trying to make the characters grow too quickly to fit an agenda without doing the real work people need to do. A hug from an old lady won't cure trauma.

I think mostly I just wish Carol and Daryl would have a real conversation before all this is over.

Anyway, that's my rant. I did like the old married couple joke in the car. And I'm glad Carol's not dead. But I hope we get to see some real connection.

[mecachrome]

Hi k! Glad you’re back! I was wondering, now that Oscar has taken another step this year, what you think he will want to focus on/you think he should focus on in the future re improving as a driver? He’s the first driver that I’ve followed since their rookie season and it’s been exciting to see the momentum this year so far.

hi anon!!! sorry for the late reply >__< this is a wonderful thought exercise though hehehe oscar has been progressing at such a commendable rate and ia it's been wonderful to witness :') tbh in 2025 the sample size is still too small to make any sweeping arguments but we can take it race-by-race and attempt to lay out his weaknesses anecdotally...

back in the day i actually wrote up a 2023 retrospective to dissect how we approach rookie performances & specifically mclaren's expectations for him as a rookie, which i felt were important to contextualize relative to dr's woes and the under/overhype for him entering f1 thanks to the drama surrounding his contract:

i think this is still a decent way to frame the axes of development for a driver because it's easy to say that at the end of the day, pace and race craft are all that really matter (actionably true in many circumstances), but there are so many intangibles necessary to attain these targets. knowing this, i think oscar's always had really remarkable self-awareness and accountability, which in turn allows him to learn at a fast rate and rarely make the same mistake twice... which i think will always be the most impressive thing about him! just like, not only consistency at its face-value meaning, but also consistency in terms of continuous learning and maintaining a drive to keep improving linearly. the only problem is that f1 is such a variable sport that this alone isn't enough to get you up to speed with something as tricky as tyres in only a handful of races, due to the myriad of conditions that influence how you learn a track, so he really did need the entirety of 2023 to properly hone his weaknesses in tyre management and race pace...

anyway i feel like the big narratives for oscar were tyre management/race pace in 2023 and especially in 2024 quali pace... which is fun to see because i do believe that he improved majorly in management by 2024! so seeing those incremental gains over the seasons has been really rewarding. i have no delusions over his competitiveness vs. lando during this time (21-3 quali h2h in 2024), so i feel like for him a big thing really was just learning how to put together that proper quali lap—he's had the pace on different occasions but would always drop the ball when it really counted, so i wanted to see him improve on that. which... i think he has so far, but it's still too soon to make any sweeping statements! overall though i'm very very glad he finally got that first pole and successfully converted it too T__T

looking at it race-by-race:

australia: a really solid performance overall MINUS the grass moment, but you see this is a tricky one because i could be like "well i think he needs to be better in the wet and not make these mistakes" but it's also like... idk sometimes shit happens you know? like there's obviously a spectrum in evaluating Error Proneness, wherein there's crashing/causing a red flag/dnfing and then there's having 30+ consecutive finishes and one wet-weather incident that still ends in a p9 finish with an extremely committed last-lap overtake as the cherry on top. so obviously you wouldn't want these things to happen, but in the grand scheme of things is that something he needs to regularly focus on or improve? idk!

china: kind of impossible to have notes on this, just a solid weekend overall which is esp heartwarming after how much he struggled here in 2024!!! great quali with two laps strong enough for pole and then comfortably in the lead from start to finish... honestly couldn't ask for more.

japan: considering the nature of this track and its lack of raceability for the current gen of f1 cars, the finishing order was determined by quali which in turn was determined by oscar's middling s1. so i suppose if anything we can once again point to needing to maximize quali potential here—max is just suuuch a machine when given the opportunity and i think there's always that little bit more to eke out that oscar hasn't 100% optimized. this is obviously anecdotal though... but either way i'm sure he himself is like "well obviously i want to qualify on pole every race weekend" just as like, a base fundamental of competitiveness, although whether that's the driving mentality he actually practices with himself is another question. well tbh this is also a reflection of where the mclaren is as a car itself—because oscar's personal philosophy that he's mentioned before is he calibrates his expectations to the potential of the package and is appropriately celebratory of his achievements relative to their scope of possibility so NOW i do believe he comes in every weekend like this car should be on pole so i should put it on pole! Next! which means every time he loses out to lando or someone else he probably does on some base level think to himself well this is something i need to keep working on and get better at. obviously i don't think he's bad at quali and he's seemingly improved significantly in pace since 2023/24, but that's not the ceiling being set for mclaren right now. So!

bahrain: similar to china but with more general excitement 🧡

saudi arabia: honestly overall really impressed with oscar this weekend because this track was pretty favorable to rb and max's avg race pace was actually marginally better and like yes i think oscar could have/should have gotten pole but i appreciated that he showed off his strong race craft/commitment/ability to weather and overcome 1st lap fuckery... like genuinely quite touched by how he got through that first corner and didn't let himself get bullied by max's you-or-me attitude at the apex LOL.

thinking about all of this it's like... oscar's season has honestly been soooo good so far that anything he needs to work on is frankly anecdotal and marginal and likely dependent on what he and the team specifically pinpoint weekend by weekend. SO FAR THAT IS! i'm sure as the season progresses there'll be larger moments of weakness and insecurity that appear, and there'll probably be results much worse than we've seen atm... well i'd prefer if that weren't the case but i'm just saying that the sample size is simply too small for me personally to sit back comfortably. but otherwise i really really like everything i've seen over the past 5 races T__T sure, he could be putting together perfect pole laps but overall he's managed to get his glaring pace issues behind him while still remaining calm and collected and knowing when to take necessary risks and make Big Overtakes without jeopardizing his race. sob!!!

let's revisit this in a few months tho 😖

[nincel69]

I just watched Dead Ringers (1988) last night and holy fuck I can't stop thinking about it. You can really see the inspiration this had on Trent's music, it’s pretty much, “The Downward Spiral: The Movie”. The main characters descent into addiction clearly mirrors that of the protag in the album. 

Spoilers ahead for the rest of this post

My take on the movie might be surface level and not as articulate compared to others out there (I haven’t looked at any other reviews or interpretations of the movie yet) but i’ve been trying to dissect the meaning of it myself because there is some very strong symbolism in this movie. I’ve been wondering about the significance of Beverly killing Elliot in the end and not the other way around. My first thought is that it would make more sense for Elliot to kill Beverly being that Bev is the sibling that becomes the “dead weight” so to speak and is the one slowing Elliot down and ruining his career.

 To me the Mantle twins represent two different sides of the same person. Beverly being the shy, awkward, reserved side that has trouble speaking to women on his own and gets nervous easily. The “better” side being Elliot, the charming, charismatic side that can easily flirt with women and give speeches to large crowds, the side that Beverly wishes he could be all the time. He’s quite literally trying to be Elliot when he first starts spending time with Claire and uses pills to aid in this persona. But, over time, Beverly develops a dependence on these drugs and his addiction starts to negatively affect his “better” side until there is no clear difference between the two. The significance of Beverly killing Elliot in the end and not the other way around is that Elliot represents the idealized version of Beverly. And through his spiral into addiction, Beverly ended up killing the person that he could be. Beverly tried so hard to become Elliot that he ended up destroying him in the end.

I’ve also been wondering about the significance of the “tools” Beverly creates near the end of the movie. To me, the tools are symbolic for Beverly’s insecurities and resentment towards women. Resentment that he projects specifically onto Claire and then onto his other female patients. He designs these tools when he thinks that Claire has been cheating on him. After he starts thinking this, his addiction gets worse and he struggles to treat his patients properly. Instead of taking accountability, he blames the patients for being “wrong on the inside” and creates these tools with the intent of taking his frustrations out on them. Beverly specifically using the tools to kill Elliot at the end of the movie, symbolizes him turning his resentment in on himself and accepting that he’s the problem, not the women around him.  

These themes tie in heavily with TDS and the albums themes of journeying through addiction and self-destruction and when you watch the movie through that lens it’s obvious to see the influence that that had on the album if that makes any sense. If you’re a NIN fan I definitely think you should watch Dead Ringers, it’s a total mindfuck in the way that Trent’s music is :3

[justacatiguess]

Wandering the Broken Halls of Thedas - A Love Letter (And a Plea) to Bioware

In Trespasser, we visit the Library of the Elvhen, and through the fragmented narrative of the Archivist, we learn of the last moments of the elves trapped within its walls when Solas created the Veil.

The library, a culmination of all Elvhen knowledge in Thedas, stands shattered—both in its narrative and its architectural form. It serves as a fitting metaphor for what we, as players, now face: a world of Dragon Age where the vast and intricate stories we've carefully crafted over a decade are reduced to small "cameos and one liners," discarded for the sake of larger, overarching narratives.

For over ten years, we, the players, have been carefully building our worlds of Thedas. We met characters we loved, hated, and everything in between. We explored every possible story, every avenue, adding these to our own personal collections, our own "libraries."

Each game rewarded our effort by showing us how our choices shaped the world. Thedas felt alive, vibrant, an entity we could nurture, change, and influence in our own ways.

But now, we are told that Veilguard will focus on Rook’s experience, Rook’s choices. Narrative choices from past games will not move forward. We, the curators of this library, are now reduced to passive observers. Where is our agency in deciding which books to place on the shelves?

Instead of allowing us to remain as caretakers of Thedas, where its complex web of stories once felt like our own, Veilguard binds us to a single viewpoint—that of Rook. Whether we walk the narrow alleys of Minrathous or traverse the shifting forest of Arlathan, our story has been set, reducing what was once a vibrant, multi-dimensional world to something far more limited. The rich colors of experience, the vast tapestry of choices and connections —all has been spun into a single, faded thread.

The Dragon Age series grew over time to nurture large scale choices and consequences, where even the smallest actions reverberated throughout the world and left their mark - sometimes in small poignant ways, sometimes in large broad strokes.

With the new approach in Veilguard, that subtlety has been stripped away. The past friendships we’ve forged, the enemies we've faced, the relationships we’ve nurtured—now all seem distant and irrelevant, with little hope of reconnecting to them in any meaningful way.

It feels like we are living in a world of Tranquils—past characters and events disconnected from the meaning, purpose, and depth that once defined their journeys.

It took Solas a thousand years to wake up to the consequences of his actions. I hope the team at Bioware wakes up a little sooner.

Dragon Age has always been strong because of its stories—stories that grow by building on the past, reusing, alluding, and expanding. Great myths and epic tales thrive on subtle connections, on the echoes of previous choices that ripple through time. By dissecting these stories down to only the most obvious threads, so much is lost.

We now wander the broken halls of a once-great library, its volumes scattered, its knowledge fractured. What was whole is now lost to us—because of the vision of one. And yet we wait and hope that one day the library can be rebuilt.

[relevant-url-incoming]

the nature of Lana being the one to get you out of carbonite every time is such that it's very wild to consider just how much faith she was putting in my commander, Ven, when Ven made no secret of the fact that she would gladly shoot Lana the instant they didn't have shared goals every time they worked together. also fun to consider how Ven came to trust Lana (ironically, it's Valkorion's fault.) so a little snippet of that process, directly after they're attacked in the swamp before the Gravestone gets off the ground; Ven just accidentally took Valkorion up on his offer of power to save Lana and Senya and Lana just asked about it

Lana’s expression did not fill Ven with confidence. Still, backing out would mean admitting there was something for Lana to dig into. Ven sighed and stepped into the room.

“That was quite the outpouring of power,” Lana said. Ven couldn’t help but flex her fingers, remembering it. It had been a long time since she’d been so desperate as to let the Force flow from her, but it had felt different then. This was – twisted. Worse than the Inquisitors she’d run from as a kid. Worse than the one, awful time she’d almost come face-to-face with Vader. They’d always been angry, hurting, open wounds seeping poisoned blood.

What she’d let out had been cold and uncaring, and it scared her more than her own anger ever could.

“I have wondered, over the years,” Lana continued, eyeing Ven with a calculating expression. Not her usual one, either – maybe Ven should say this expression was dissecting. “You have a particular blend of recklessness and caution. A strong sense for the motivations of others. Even if you do jump to conclusions at times.”

“I think Valkorion is in my head,” Ven blurted.

It was stupid. She prepared, in the seconds after, to fight Lana off. Having the worst Sith in history in her head made her the galaxy’s greatest liability.

But all Ven had known was that she couldn’t let a Sith know what she could do.

“You – What?”

Lana didn’t seem inclined to kill her for her houseguest. She seemed more flummoxed than anything. Ven drew a breath, trying to calm her heartbeat. She needed Lana to believe her.

“Come on,” she said. “What, did you think that was me? It – he – I didn’t think we’d win. I didn’t know I could… take his power.”

He’d given it to her. He’d wanted her to use it. But Ven needed to figure out what that meant on her own, not rely on another manipulative Sith for answers.

“You’re certain it was Valkorion?”

“He’s been talking to me since I ended up in carbonite,” Ven admitted. This was need-to-know, she could admit. If Valkorion grew stronger – started influencing Ven in more than just her moments of panic – then Lana would need to put her down. Koth wouldn't. She didn't know Senya. She had no one else. “I had dreams where he told me what was happening. Not… in a useful way. He was trying to scare me. Make me think I had no hope except following his plans.”

Like she had a choice anyway. Right now, he wanted revenge on his son, and Ven wanted his son out of power. She wasn’t eager to parse the difference between the two.

“And after I freed you?”

Lana’s face was unreadable, but Ven was as good with people as ever. She was worried. Maybe even for Ven.

“He’s popped up,” Ven said. “Like time is slowed, but it can’t be. It’s just… in my head.”

That wasn’t relevant. Ven shook off the memory and drew herself upright.

“That was an accident, and I think I can keep it under control. But if I’m wrong – if it happens and it kills people, or screws us over in this fight, end it.”

Lana’s mouth moved slightly. Whatever she’d thought Ven might say, apparently it wasn’t that.

“Of course,” she said at last. Ven didn’t think she believed her.

“I’m serious,” Ven said. “We’ve got our differences, but we’re in the same fight again. Don’t let me get in the way of winning.”

“You’ll forgive me if I prefer to explore other avenues first,” Lana said drily. “But… Thank you. For entrusting me with this. I’m sure that can’t have been easy for you.”

Ven probably deserved the bitterness in Lana’s tone.

“I know what you did for me,” she said. “For the galaxy, but it helped me. So I know there are things I can count on you for.”

Lana nodded, turning back to her practice dummies.

“You have other duties to attend to, of course,” she said. “I won’t keep you any longer.”

Ven might have gotten pissed about a dismissal like that back on Rishi. But they were both older now.

“Don’t break those things too badly,” she said. “I don’t know how to fix ‘em.”

As the door slid open, Ven thought she heard something. She turned to look at Lana, but the Sith wasn’t looking at her. Still, what she thought she’d heard bothered her as she headed down the hall, looking for Koth.

It wasn’t the galaxy.

[hexheathen]

Table 10

My DBD RP server is doing speed dating! but if your muses get one another you skip it. Me being a goblin wanted to write a silly little thing of Charlotte and Unknown talking. That did not happen.

Charlotte sat at the long, eerie table where the Entity had set up its ridiculous excuse for “speed dating.” The air was thick with something sickly sweet, the scent of wilted roses and candle wax filling the void-like space. The table itself was too lavish—draped in black velvet, with thin, spindly candelabras casting flickering shadows against the abyss. The Entity’s influence crackled in the background. “No Violance”

Her hands gripped the table’s edge as she sat, heart thrumming against her ribs, excitement barely contained. She could already feel it— Renato, maybe? Maybe he had been curious enough to come. Or perhaps it was the masked man with the strong boots she had written to, asking about his mask, who said he could call him Danny. Perhaps he would come. She was terrible with words, but writing had been more straightforward. Had he read her letter?

She barely contained a bounce in her seat. Whoever it was, they had to be strong, interesting, maybe even kind. She had no illusions about kindness in the Fog, but she had hope, tiny and fragile.

As he settled in, the chair scraped against the floor in a slow, deliberate groan that made Charlotte’s skin prickle. The sound wasn’t right—it wasn’t the natural creak of wood, but something more profound that lingered as though the chair resented his presence.

The Unknown sat with a stillness that defied life itself, a mockery of what a person should be. He did not breathe. He did not blink. He was wrong and impossible—somewhere between tangible and unreal, like a shadow cast where no light should be. The candle flames stuttered as if unsure whether to flicker away from him or bend toward him.

Charlotte swallowed hard, her fingers tightening against the velvet tablecloth. The anticipation she had carried with her—warm, trembling, hopeful—curdled into something rancid. A fool’s hope. Like a child reaching for a gift, only to have their hand snapped in a bear trap.

She would not speak first. She would not give him that satisfaction. But silence, in his presence, was its own kind of violence.

Then, he did something worse than speaking.

His head tilted—just slightly.

The movement sent a ripple through her chest, primal and instinctual, screaming at her to run. It was like watching something not meant to mimic human behavior try—and almost succeed. The angle of his head dipped too far, too slow, like an owl dissecting a mouse.

And then—his voice.

Or rather, voices.

Layered. Sickly. Each syllable seemed to be spoken twice, overlapping with itself, stretched at the edges.

“Ex...ciiiited.” A pause, a breath too long, like savoring something before devouring it. “You... expected... someone else.”

Not a question. Not curiosity. Just knowledge. The kind that stuck to the inside of your ribs like rot.

Charlotte stiffened, her jaw clenching. Her hands curled into fists beneath the table. If it had been anyone else, she would have glared, spat at them, and thrown a punch. But he was untouchable. Immovable. And worst of all—he was enjoying this.

The silence between them stretched like a drawn bowstring. The corners of his mouth—or what passed for one—twitched into something that resembled a smile. But it wasn’t a smile. It was too aware, too deliberate.

“Hope.” Another pause. The candlelight dimmed, suffocated by his presence. “So... fragile. So easy to...” He exhaled, a sound not quite laughter but something wet and thin, like breath rattling through waterlogged lungs. “...break.”

Charlotte’s teeth clenched. Heat curled under her skin, a wildfire waiting to consume.

“Shut up.” Her voice was low, steady—dangerously so.

His grin widened. Or it only felt like it did.

“Whhhhy?” The word slithered, wrapping around her ribs like a tightening noose. “Does it... huuuurt?”

Charlotte inhaled sharply, forcing down the spike of frustration he wanted from her.

It did hurt. But not in the way he wanted. Not in the way he fed from. It wasn’t fear, it wasn’t despair—it was rage. She had been happy. She had been looking forward to this. And now? She had to sit across from him while he unraveled it thread by thread.

Her nails dug into her palms.

She forced a slow breath through her nose, keeping her voice even.

“What do you want?”

The Unknown leaned forward. His body did not move—no shifting weight, no adjustment of limbs. It was as though the space between them had collapsed, closing the distance without motion.

“I am here... be-cause... you wished... to be known.”

The words slid into her ears, thick and cloying, dripping down the back of her throat like oil. And the worst part—

He wasn’t wrong.

She wanted to be seen. She wanted someone to sit across from her and acknowledge her, not as just another body in the Fog, as a threat, but as Charlotte.

But not like this.

Not by him.

The air thickened, pressing against her ribs. Her pulse thumped in her ears, in her throat.

“You don’t know me.”

It was a growl. Low, warning.

He exhaled—a sound like paper tearing, like something splintering apart.

“You... think so?”

And then—the pressure.

That feeling of being peeled apart.

Layer by layer, he stripped her down without lifting a single finger. Seeing her in a way that had nothing to do with eyes.

Charlotte shoved herself back from the table. The chair scraped violently against the floor as she stood.

“I don’t play these games.”

His head tilted the other way.

“You... already are.”

Charlotte’s breath was heavy. Her chest is tight.

She would not give him the satisfaction.

With one last glare, she turned sharply.

She didn’t look back at him.

But he was not done.

“You... pre-tennnnd... you did not want me here... but you linger.”

Charlotte clenched her jaw, nostrils flaring.

“Do you... think of him... now?”

Her resolve faltered. Just barely.

He felt it.

His breath slithered behind her ear though he had not moved.

“Your... Ren-a-tooo.”

The name dripped from his mouth like spoiled honey.

“Did you hoooope... it would be him... across from you? That he would look at you... ssssmile at you... like you were... worth something?”

Her fists curled so tight her nails bit into flesh.

“He would have looked at you, yesss... but with pi-ty.”

His voice was soaked in amusement, layered, fractured syllables bleeding over each other.

“And you... would lie to yourself... again... and again... that you are differennnt.”

The world twisted.

The candlelight turned red.

Something dripped.

Charlotte looked down.

Blood.

Her breath hitched. Her eyes snapped up—

And her stomach dropped into nothingness.

Renato slumped forward at the table, his throat split open.

Her chest seized.

“No—”

Bodies slumped unnaturally, discarded like dolls with their strings cut. Gabe’s arms were twisted at an unnatural angle, their glasses cracked, and his chest unmoving. Danny was sprawled out, his mask shattered. She didn’t know his face, but it revealed glassy, lifeless eyes that would never gleam with mischief again.

Her breath came too fast. Her head pounded. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t real.

The walls closed in.

“And yet...” The Unknown’s voice curled against her skin, pressing into her ribs.

“You would stilllll... bear it... if it meant... saving him... wouldn’t you?”

Her eyes snapped up.

Small. Still.

Unmoving.

Charlotte collapsed to her knees.

“Nonononono—”

Shaking fingers brushed his face. Cool.

No warmth. No movement.

Nothing.

A sound ripped from her throat—raw, broken.

Behind her—

That. Fucking. Laughter.

“Besssst... date yet.”

Charlotte squeezed her eyes shut.

She did not look up. She could not look up.

And then—

He was gone.

The air settled. The candlelight returned.

But she remained.

Kneeling. Shaking.

Staring at where the lifeless body of her brother had been.

:> yayyyyy ahhhh...my bbygirl.. also here is the server i rp in it is wonderful! @it-wakes