#the closest we can get to interacting with more “ordinary” peoples is when those people are under siege from something only tenno can fight

[upsidedownsmore]

Don't get me wrong I love the newer syndicates, but I think it would be cool to have a society-sized one again like the Solaris or Ostron that isn't just a few dudes stuck in the most extreme scenarios imagineable. Like hell yes that stuff is awesome but I also want to see more examples of "normal" life for the different peoples of the system, or at least whatever more we can glean while they're under siege from whatever force we would assumably be there to save them from.

I guess it's a bit if a challenge when Tenno specialize pretty much exclusively in dealing with weird shit, I doubt DE would develop a whole area and society just for us to show up and have a chat with no extreme conflict going on (as nice as that would be lol)

[itsquakey]

Say it with me.

Did Opal-Owl-Flight groom minors? NO

Did Blue-Jester groom minors? NO

Did they go too far up by making a lot of very questionable sex jokes and showing imagery that is suggestive to minors? YES

Are you kidding me??? I was aware that the words “Groomer” and “Pedo” are thrown around just like that on the internet. But…holy shit. So what are these two being accused of? Well. Grooming. Because they were saying some very out of pocket risky jokes and had art that is risky (According to sources of both sides no actual porn was posted, just risky content in which you could argue teeters on NSFW because remember, not all NSFW is blatant porn. It’s a spectrum.) Okay so let’s look at the definition of grooming here. According to Oxford Dictionary grooming is the attempt to form a relationship with someone for them with the sole intention of sex or being in a sexual relationship with them.

From interviewing both sides as well as looking into the two hundred paged doc (which we will get there soon my friends), there was no instance of grooming here, they didn’t try to get closer to these kids to try and use them for sex, the closest thing you could tie that to is the pinup drawings, which I don’t even think Opal or Blue knew what they were doing when they posted that. Oh. And one more thing.

Hey owl. I know we’re mutuals and all. And I saw you already fixed this but I feel the need to say it. You are an adult. I am an adult. We should not be throwing the word groomer around especially when you are in contact with the doc maker and likely already read it all. I understand grooming is a very serious thing however we should remain mostly neutral if not stand our ground a little bit but be open while we listen to all sides of the story before jumping to conclusions.

So what about the doc? Hey where did it go? Yea it got deleted or just taken off public view from what I’ve seen. If I were to take a guess…it may or may not have to do with the lack of censorship when it came to the minors in this situation! Yes, they did not censor a large amount of the minors interactions in this doc opening them up to harassment. I know one of these minors and went to them in hopes of them telling me more. But guess what? They did what most kids would do in such a situation and freaked out, which was my fault for trying to do such a thing without thinking. These kids are basically open to a rain of gunfire now because of no censorship. I thought we were trying to protect them? What’s up with that? I don’t consider it doxxing as doxxing is the reveal of personal information on the internet/ to the public. The info of those minors were public in a way. But it’s still VERY scummy whether or not the doc makers knew that. And to add onto this, according to a few people some or all of these screenshots were taken out of context. I was not given any further proof so take it with a grain or salt. If the doc maker is reading this. I’d recommend actually taking time in making that doc better because all it does is make you look aggressive even if you may have a point in some things. Or just… go to those involved and try to fix it in private so unneeded drama like this doesn’t happen.

Opal, Blue, any other adult who happened to be heavily involved. I understand sex jokes = funny. I understand we can go too far. Hell. This situation made me realize I did a similar thing a while back and how it was not at all cool of me to do. I know that sex humor is a staple in minors and at the end of the day we can laugh about “magic condoms” or how much of a slut Mago is. Here’s the thing. I do think you guys went too far. A sex joke or two is funny and not out of the ordinary (again, I have I think a couple of those on my account if you look hard enough) and I know it’s easy to go take a couple steps too far from the path. What I want you lads to do is be aware that a lot of the more raunchier jokes and images wasn’t okay around minors and you need to take responsibility for it. No defensive words. Just say “Yeah I messed up, but guess what. I can fix this” and I’m not just expecting this just out of you, I’m expecting this out of the other side and those who jumped on these claims without looking into them. Here is an idea for you, what can possibly fix your issue with regards to content within your server. Make a 18+ channel or a series of them, having them locked and people only allowed in by mods who give it a green light when the person wanting in is 18 or older. That way you can post content and make jokes to your hearts content without worrying about these folks calling you groomers. Worst case scenario you get called a degenerate but I mean…come on. If you’re a degenerate then I am 100x more of one judging by the jokes and content I’ve made in the shadows. The adult channels is something I’ve seen in multiple Kirby servers and if you plan on keeping your current server or moving to a new one to protect minor identity keep that idea of mine in mind please. This is kinda like the maturity option on tumblr posts, which if you haven’t used yet for spicier content I highly recommend!

And this is just for Opal. Hey, I wanna say this so you don’t catch flack for it later but author doesn’t equal character is not an excuse in this situation. I understand the thought process of this, but keep in mind you are the one speaking through Magolor. You are the one who wrote him to have this character and you should be very aware that if you use that excuse on anyone who isn’t as open as I am they will likely just completely believe you are trying to save your own ass.

FYI If later on in the timeline it does come out someone here no matter what side they’re on is actually grooming minors with undeniable proof, they’re going to have to deal with my ass and the cops.

I don’t think I will be involved in drama again, unless it’s of this magnitude in which I’d highly recommend saying your prayers because I will not be nearly as nice as I was in this post.

TLDR: Opal and Blue aren’t groomers, stop throwing that word around. Everyone in this situation is at some sort of fault and should just take responsibility like a fucking adult instead of excusing and worming their way around it.

Please do not contact me unless you are involved in this drama or are a close mutual of mine. I’m afraid I may blow up on you because my fuse has been eaten up by the flame of this situation. Goodnight Tri-State area.

Edit: Please read comments and tags as they share different opinions and may cover things I didn’t cover or may have gotten wrong. Thanks.

[erikahammerschmidt]

Angry rant about  - progressive discourse and infighting - evil people and corporations with too much power - how aforesaid discourse keeps blaming powerless ordinary people for what the evil giants do - and the various double and triple standards in how this blame gets handed around - (With extra anger toward Disney.)

Read at your own risk, or to be safe just don't. I'm venting.

I am baffled sometimes at how the dialogue around here is still keeping Disney in this separate ethical bubble from everyone else, not beholden to any of the same rules.

The same people who will say you are 100% irredeemable if you even read fanfiction of Harry Potter-- and who are even aware how much more money Disney contributes to homophobic and transphobic causes than JKR does-- won't bat an eyelash at people who have whole season passes to a Disney park.

Is it because Disney says the right words in public, makes some highly visible gestures of support, and does most of the harm behind the scenes without fanfare?

Is it because Disney is a corporation and not an individual -- the people aren't all bad-- and when you support Disney you're also supporting all those good marginalized people who just happen to work for Disney? ...who don't really have a choice, because Disney is the only gig with good enough jobs in their field, or the only one who'll hire them, because the diversity and accessibility of Disney's hiring practices contains some of their highly visible gestures of support (even though their overall practices screw the same people over big time)?

...and all that is also true of Raytheon and Lockheed, and the same progressive discourse around here says that working for them makes you irredeemable and worthy of immediate doxxing...

(...do Disney employees get away with what Raytheon and Lockheed employees don't because Disney's line of work doesn't do harm as bad as theirs? ...but then, why does Disney also get away with worse harm than JKR in the bigoted-corporate-lobbying department?)

I don't even fuckin know.

I mean, I personally try to have as little as possible interaction with ANY of the above entities. Including Disney equally.

I even somewhat hate myself for developing an interest in TRON, the past couple years-- even though I've come to accept that I only really like the 1982 movie, which I bought secondhand on DVD, and will not be paying Disney one cent for anything new they barf up in that franchise. (It'll suck anyway. Jared Leto? Ugh.)

It still puts me, ethically, on the same level as a Harry Potter fanfic reader or worse. 

And if that level is one of the deepest circles of hell, as discourse on here would have it... then I'm damned forever, aren't I?

Except I'm not, because Disney lives in its own ethical world, and stuff that's evil for anyone else to do is fine for Disney. 

I wrote a theology paper about that once. Except instead of Disney it was God. Says something about what we worship, I guess.

I don't even know what my own ethical beliefs are anymore. 

Closest I can come is despair. Sure, we mere mortals can do some tiny little things to minimize how much we support the big evil gods and devils. But anything we can do, or not do, is a drop in the bucket. Insignificant. As useless to demonize as it is to praise.

Voting all down the ballot in every election is also a drop in the bucket, individually. But, since it actually does something toward choosing people who just might have more power than a drop in the bucket.... it just might be the thing we can do that makes the most difference. 

Maybe just a little bit bigger drop in that bucket than how we scrape up a living, or what we buy or read or watch to make that living bearable.

I hope, anyway. Because I'll hope for whatever I can, in this fucked up world.

[positivlyfocused]

I’m Getting Better At My Out Of My Body Experiences

The more proficient I get with my Advanced Positively Focused practice, the better control I’m having in my Out of Body Experiences (OBE). I like seeing that progress. Exhibiting more control over such experiences indicates significant progress towards becoming ordinary among super humans.

That’s a paraphrase from a book I read. Dan Millman’s Way Of The Peaceful Warrior transformed my life trajectory. In his book, Dan quotes a main character:

“You have tried to be superior in an ordinary realm. Now you must learn to be ordinary in a superior realm.” - Way Of The Peaceful Warrior

I love the juxtaposition of that quote. Many want to be super human among ordinary people. They want to set themselves apart. I once did, that’s for sure. But some time ago, I opted for the better alternative. I opted to become ordinary among a community of super humans. 

Now that I’m exhibiting early super human powers and sharing how to do that with others, I’m fulfilling my long-held desire.

It takes practice and persistence

In that last two weeks, I’ve enjoyed a steady series of extraordinary events. My dreaming experience radically transformed. These days, dreams are long, rich and vivid in their detail. My dream retention proves my increasing ability to merge with a greater part of me. The part that travels freely through alternate realities.

The word “dream” is a misnomer. That term disparages what’s really happening when the body sleeps. What happens when the body sleeps represents sacred connection to All That Is. We return to our Broader Perspective awareness. There we travel through infinity. The cool thing is we can do it consciously aware of what we’re doing.

When my body sleeps, I’m not in it. Instead, I’m exploring, creating and interacting with the power and love of other literal super humans. Beings who no longer exist in the physical realm.

I share with clients what I know these nightly experiences actually are: the closest, easiest-to-reach alternate dimension available to us all. Every point of consciousness experiences this dimension while our bodies sleep. Even objects thought inanimate experience them. But consciously experiencing this realm then recalling and retaining the experience, represents an advanced capability.

Anyone can do it. It just takes a teacher who knows what they’re doing, practice and persistence. Exploration of other dimensions is a “given” as eternal beings. But human consciousness blocks those experiences for ordinary people.

Super humans though travel these realms consciously. And benefits of doing so are clear.

Projections of consciousness

OBEs indicate even further advancement. These days, in nearly every meditative session, I experience an OBE. Sometimes, I experience so many I can’t remember them all. But I know practice and persistence will remedy that. After all, my ego needs practice too. It must get used to being in a foreign dimension.

I also must get used to the experience. Right now, my control isn’t the best. OBEs I’m enjoying come as spontaneous events. Not something I directly control. I can’t deliberately visit some place I want to for example. Not yet. Instead, they involve random visits to alternate dimensions. Or experiences in locations familiar to me, like the following:

I saw myself I found myself walking down the street that felt like Mississippi [a street in my neighborhood]. A woman was coming from the other direction. The scenery was extremely vivid as was this woman. She had long brown hair that flowed in the wind. Her face was narrow and stern, but the energy she emanated wasn’t stern. As we converged, she looked at me strangely, as though I did not belong there. And of course I did not, for I was projecting! (Massive Source Confirmation).

This one happened this morning (Feb 21). What’s cool about visits like this is OBE pioneers document identical early-stage experiences. Robert Butts and Jane Roberts‘ early experiences were exactly like this. Robert and Jane are famed as the conduit through which Seth spoke. Oliver Fox is another OBE pioneer. He lived in the early 19th century. Fox documented his experiences in a book called Astral Projection. Yet another pioneer, Robert Monroe created a technology-enabled process for astral projection. His book, Journeys Out Of The Body chronicles his journeys. Each of these pioneers enjoyed the same early-stage experiences I am enjoying.

More powers on the horizon 

These people’s experience confirms my own. I’m just beginning with this highly-advanced ability. And I know my experience reflects improved capability. For example, in the projection above, I recognized the woman recognized me. She knew I didn’t belong in her dimension. And I retained that experience when I returned from visiting there. As I wrote above, in past experiences I forgot what happened upon returning. But now I’m retaining more of the experience.

I also notice my forgetfulness happens in highly advanced trips. When I visit multiple dimensions, my ego gets overwhelmed. One recent sitting demonstrates this. The moment I lay down, I experienced an enormous variety of dimensions all simultaneously. It was almost totally overwhelming. I couldn’t remember specific details. But I remember the collection of various dimensions as a single unit. Here’s what I wrote about that event:

^^A description from my journal of a massive number of dimensions experienced simultaneously along with other OBE projections experienced in session 181 on Saturday, Feb. 18.

I know my capacity for these experiences is improving. I know this because I recognize progress I’ve already made. And I know more such progress lies on the horizon. As do more abilities. Abilities known only in what Dan Millman calls “the superior realm”. The realm that is quickly becoming my new home.

Wanna join me?

[humansun]

writing 3 pages a day should actually be the norm lulz

Written Saturday, July 22nd, 2023 at 1:34PM

Why does today feel like someone’s birthday? Like someone close to me. It must’ve been someone I used to know.

Today, I woke up, worked out with Fuzzy, and hit Hot Yoga! It was really wonderful watching Fuzzy experience something for the first time, but also enjoy it. He deserves to have new experiences and so do I. Although yoga isn’t something I’m madly in love with, I do enjoy how I feel after doing it. I love that the poses stretch parts of my body that I haven’t touched in a while. I love hearing my 25-year-old bones cracking and feeling my joints cry for help. So that was definitely the highlight of the day.

Ever since watching Fireflies, I learned that every moment, even though ordinary, can hold so much weight and significance in my life. The fact that at any point, all of what we experience can be taken away from us, is what scares me, but also motivates me to appreciate small things and stay present. That is a lesson I think of often and although it was a hard watch, it was one of those films that give you an important reminder in life, so I’m grateful for it.

My dreams from last night also felt strange. You know when you dream of someone you haven’t seen or talked to in a very long time? I wasn’t happy to see that person in my dream, but I felt grateful for them even if they weren’t always good to me in real life. These dreams that I can’t completely remember gave me the feeling of gratitude this morning based on the contrast of the dream and what I’m actually experiencing.

Even though my grandma and I have a bit of conflict in our history and my dad gets on my last nerve with coming back and forth, talking about the same thing - and talking at me, not with me - I feel lucky and fortunate to live with these two bright spirits.

Grandma has special something about her. Although she has really stirred my emotions a few months ago, almost to the brink of explosion for me, I think she is a cozy person who is damaged. If I just let her act how she acts without letting it affect me, we actually live together in peace! Same with my dad. If I just let him go on and on about the same things he’s been going on about since we were 5, I’d live in peace with him. I credit this emotional regulation and self-control to the book I recently read about mental strength, and to meditation as well as mindfulness.

Especially because my career is crystallizing more with each day that goes by (if not my career then my desire for my career), I’m looking forward to improving as a person, a writer, a reader, a family member, and a friend. Trying to better myself in different arenas means that the behavior in one role will transfer to the other positions in my life and that is a very affirming thought.

Learning to be a better girlfriend to Fuzzy has led me to be a better friend to Mel. Being a better friend to Mel has taught me to understand the complexity and diversity in people we interact with each day. This bleeds into my daily chats with my grandma and dad and whether my neurological pathway is structured and well-designed enough for me to withstand their tactics.

So yeah! Lots of improvement happening that is intangible, but later on tangible. I spoke to a couple filmmakers yesterday (which was amazing), and I’m learning that filmmaking and the industry itself can be what we decide it will be and that will be determined on who we are as people and what we think. Rearranging thoughts and belief systems is probably one of the most difficult things to do in life, but I believe that readjusting where I may be lacking can be deeply beneficial to my career.

Let’s take bravery for example. Had I not implemented this bravery and got the motivation from one of my closest friends, half of the calls I've had lately wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t be sitting here, deep in thought about what my next moves are. I wouldn’t be here feeling like I’m at square one, and then battling that thought with realizing that I’m not at square one. You know?

It’s like what Fuzzy said about everything being a library once you know what you want. My creative execution and brainstorming may not be as clear as the analysis I’ve done to think about where I want to be in life and that’s okay. Accepting where I am in my journey is a gift that 25 years of life has given me and I’m happy to have this awareness.

Speaking of awareness, I was talking to Mai via voice message this morning about how the people I feel I deeply admire are folks who are especially self-aware. People who are conscious of not only themselves, their thoughts, their actions, words, interactions, behavior, but also their society, other people, how life works, what’s wrong with life, what’s good with life, and have a good hold on their moral compass, are my favorite people. I’m lucky to have a few of those folks in my life as well, but it’s incredible learning about the lives of people with this much perspective.

They seem to have so many rich experiences and are open-minded to a myriad of things, without practicing too much judgement. Although a few of these folks tend to be more self-critical, I think they are amazing and I strive to have the amount of wisdom they do. I believe self-awareness and deep reflection take work. To sit in silence or even in solitude to understand more about the self or the world is difficult. The fact that some people go above and beyond to trying to learn about themselves is powerful to me.

Today we have the OC Fair lined up, which I’m certain Fuzzy is more excited about than I am. And then tomorrow will be a day focused on domestic rest, but also working on our own projects and not worrying about external things like our jobs or other distractions.

I look forward to my productivity levels, but I think the thing I am looking forward to most is getting the time and energy to dedicate toward my practice. The practice of enjoying what I’m writing, enjoying the journey I’m on, being excited when I see improvement, trying my best to be a better me and having fun in that process. Creatively, I want to look at my work and understand its daunting, but tackle it anyway. I want to take the time to jump on a cozy bed, chair, or couch to read a couple chapters of a book I like or want to finish. Because that is what life is about to me. It’s about learning, understanding, growing, processing, journaling, analyzing, processing again, and developing all of these mental skills to be a better and wiser individual.

It’s never been so apparent to me that music really drowns out my worries. Especially if I’m singing. I’m trying to understand if I’ve been using music as an escape and a distraction to not think about my own life, or if I actually find it as internal therapy. It can be both, I think, depending on whether it’s used in moderation or not.

Writing this entry has been surprisingly really fun. Finding the time in my day to just sit down, write, wordbarf on digital paper and see where my thoughts take me. The previous sheet of paper and all its text actually gave me profound thought and let me sit with my feelings about what I want, why I want it, and what life is to me. Although I’m a huge question asker, and I usually always want a very definitive answer, I learned that there are many questions that will never remain static.

That the answer will change no matter what point you are in your life. The answer may change second to second or next month or the next five years. That is what is beautiful about life and humans and learning and growing and changing and pursuing what makes the most sense to me. My mantra for hot yoga today was “I will be okay”, and that brought me peace. Friends, today’s reminder to you will be that you will be okay. I will be okay. We will all be alright.

Written 2:23PM

Ho! Before I move forward. I want to talk about society for once and not always talk about my feelings.

Dude. Living in Los Angeles at this point just makes zero sense. I went to hot yoga yesterday night as well in Highland Park and it baffles me to see people walk around so comfortable. Like wow. Can’t relate to you dining at these nice restaurants, ordering drinks at these bars. Like, that means you have enough disposable income to spend on drinks and a nice dinner? I could barely order 2 chalupa supremes from Taco Bell without it adding up to $18. 

California as an entire state I’m sure is expensive, but Los Angeles took itself to another level. I wouldn’t be taking any yoga classes or exercise courses if it weren’t for free. I just can’t process it. I am still striving to have a home of my own one day, but jesus, it’s crazy to just think about how people can afford living here. It’s wild. Crazy crazy.

Oh! Another thought (these are all stemming from me reviewing the mental strengths book), its scary to think I’ll be 26 very soon, but I’m trying to morph my fear into excitement about the future and determine the best plan of action to ensure I will be financially, physically, and mentally okay by that point. I think I’m doing like proficient right now.

I’m going to get ready for OC fair soon, but this was a fun time. I’m happy that I wrote this much! I hope I can spend more time writing because it’s actually really, really fun.

[pla-teau]

WANDAVISION EPISODE 6 THOUGHTS

SPOILERS AHEAD. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

GOOD GOD I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

GIF NOT MINE

pietro maximoff as ‘himself’ | in the opening credits, pietro is introduced as playing himself? this just made me more suspicious about him and who he really is. it’s like wanda (since she’s the one broadcasting her show) trying to convince us, and herself, that this is her dead brother.

billy talking to us | i know tommy talks to the camera at the beginning for a brief minute but it’s mainly billy talking. i think this was a hint at his incoming powers. plus, in promo trailers for the ‘modern family’ episode, wanda’s the one talking to the camera. i bet we’ll see the kids talk to the camera in that episode but i just find it interesting that billy’s the one leading us through the beginning of the episode. plus, in rewatching the episode, pietro seems to be aware of billy talking to us and reacts to when billy talks about vision and wanda’s relationship going through a rough patch.

haydick hayward’s an ass | there’s no denying that hayward has something up his suspicious ass. first with showing the footage of wanda stealing vision’s body. then, putting in a missile and planning on killing wanda. yea, the five years were hard for everyone - no one’s denying it but there’s just something that isn’t right. we clearly see that he’s hiding something when darcy finds a file of sorts that only hayward can see and that he’s been able to track vision without telling the team. either he’s got a personal vendetta or he’s covering for something more sinister. personally, i think he’s just pissed that wanda, one of the most powerful beings in the universe, took away vision’s body when he needed it to create more weapons and whatever else he was planning. i wanted monica to punch him in the throat when he told her it was better that she wasn’t around when her mom died. bless monica for keeping her cool.

wanda’s interaction with herb | their brief interaction makes me believe that herb is just as aware as agnes (if she happens to be a victim in all this and not agatha harkness) about what’s happening. we got a hint about it in episode 3 when he tried to tell vision what geraldine’s purpose in westview was. we see him mimic agnes from the previous episode when he asks wanda if there’s anything she wants changed. he looks to her the same way agnes did when she was thrown off script. both these times involve vision throwing everything off. vision’s the one that’s been off script from the beginning of the episode this time around instead of after a weird event.

residents being in a loop or immobile | as vision gets farther from wanda and explores westview, it’s evident that there’s something off about the people. we get that shot of the woman and presumably her husband stuck in a time loop of hanging decorations and putting a pumpkin on the front steps. the woman not only sheds a tear but her hands look purplish presumably because of the cold or being stuck doing the same task for god knows how long. clearly, the woman’s in pain and is aware that she can’t break free. as vision gets closer to the loop, residents are completely immobile and stuck wherever they stand. it’s eerie and further proves that this may be wanda’s doing and wherever she is, it’s easy for the residents to be active or for her to control those near her. it could also mean that the closer you are to the hex’s border, that you become immobile as you’re farther removed from the fantasy life wanda has created.

yo-magic commercial | by far the creepiest and most disturbing commercial in the series. i’ve seen people theorize that this commercial is referring to wanda’s detainment on the raft in civil war. it would make sense since the yogurt could represent wanda’s powers and opening the lid should be simple and easy, just like using your powers. on the raft, wanda was detained with a straitjacket and a collar on her neck so she couldn’t use her magic. the island could represent the raft since it was in the ocean. ‘yo-magic, the snack for survivors’ could represent wanda being a survivor in many instances: strücker’s experiments, the battle of sokovia and the lagos incident.

pietro’s ‘part’ | when wanda questions pietro, he gets defensive about how he’s just trying to do his part: come unexpectedly, create tension with vision, stir up trouble with the twins, and ultimately give wanda grief. grief holding a double meaning. obviously, pietro did bring wanda grief when he died in 2015 but it also means to cause trouble which he has done since his arrival to westview. whenever wanda questions him about their childhood or tries to trip him up, pietro retorts with a question or makes rather meta remarks about westview.

the details are fuzzy | the comment pietro makes after a moment of silence between them. he claims he got shot in the middle of the street and next thing he knew wanda was calling her. i think when ‘pietro’ was brought into the westview reality, his memories mixed with those of wanda’s pietro or skewed them at least - it’s probably why things seem hazy to him and can see that wanda doesn’t believe him to be the pietro she remembers. pietro knows he looks different to wanda and it’s like a comment to us because even though pietro only appeared in one movie with wanda - we the audience know he’s not the same actor. this could also be mephisto really mind tripping wanda because she would remember what her brother looked like but the memories are remembered differently. enough to keep her on edge with him and make her suspect but not want to because he also says “i knew you needed me” no stranger would say that right? of course, siblings and family can tell when another member needs them. this episode really makes you laugh at pietro’s antics but go down a rabbit hole with every line he says.

the hex’s effects on people | when darcy explains to monica that her cells have been greatly affected by her entrance and departure from the hex, it doesn’t seem like monica is surprised. maybe this is hinting that monica already has her powers or simply mean that she’s putting on a poker face to hide her fear (or astonishment) at wanda’s level of power. it’s interesting to see if wanda’s gonna be responsible for birthing some mutants or at least awakening the x gene if it hasn’t already. does it mean that anyone can simply leave or that if you leave, you’ll come out with serious side effects that are possibly life threatening? monica states at the end that she’s seen cells in remission which makes me believe that this is hinting at the x gene. we’ve seen what the hex does once you go in, but what happens if an ordinary westview resident leaves?

agnes and vision | we see agnes in her car supposedly leaving town or as she claims, she got ‘lost’. when vision takes her out of her trance, agnes seems shaken and even questions if she’s dead. she also seems to confirm that wanda is the one controlling everyone because she doesn’t even let them think about leaving westview. we see more of where vision’s memory stands because he doesn’t remember (or know) that he was an avenger and that he died (twice). when she says that all is lost, she quickly starts laughing maniacally like a witch. this again makes me think that agnes knows more than anyone what’s going on. assessing what she got from vision, she’s probably laughing because it’s amazing to her that wanda’s gotten so powerful and maybe everything is going according to plan - she just possibly couldn’t overcome wanda’s control and only has a heightened awareness of the situation. there’s no mention of ralph this episode and you would think she’d bring along her husband to leave and go to her desired destination in town. i don’t know, i still think she’s got an ulterior motive and plays a bigger part in all of this.

the twins’ conversation | after sharing a sweet moment, pietro quickly calls out the obvious - the kids. only in episode 3 did children finally come into the show through billy and tommy. now, for halloween, all the kids are out and enjoying halloween. pietro, like rapid fire, remarks that wanda probably kept them peacefully asleep in their beds and didn’t wake them until now for the “occasional holiday episode cameo” so as not to traumatize them even more since she’s always been the “empathetic twin”. he seems to know that this is all in a television reality which gives him even more awareness than any other supporting character we’ve met so far. he even goes into assessing (and somewhat praising?) wanda’s handling of this whole westview reality as ethically possible. he knows that wanda wouldn’t rewrite everything: couples and families stay together and personalities aren’t far off from what they are. with this, it heavily hints that this isn’t the pietro we’ve known in the mcu or the peter from the x-men universe. to me, this furthers the point that this ‘pietro’ is just a puppet for whoever is behind all this (or just a multiverse version of piet) since he seems more impressed than anything by wanda’s powers. also, he’s been the only one to ask what we’ve all been thinking since the first episode: how the hell did wanda do this? once again, wanda doesn’t remember how all of it started which still makes me thinks she was probably taken advantage of by someone and earlier in the episode when recounting a childhood memory, pietro comments that she’s probably suppressed the trauma hence why she doesn’t remember it the same way. at the end, this could all be wanda’s doing due to her feeling so alone and grieving that she may have suppressed that memory of how this all started.

pietro’s corpse | again, us the audience and wanda are reminded that this universe’s pietro is dead. it’s another person closest to wanda that isn’t alive - harking back to her comment about feeling so alone and endless nothingness. this may just be that when wanda lets her guard down and is possibly at peace with a situation, this one being of her accepting that this is the pietro that’s going to be her brother that sticks with her moving forward, she’s reminded of the truth - none of it is real and she can’t bring them back.

vision’s breakout from the hex | as we’ve seen in promos, vision is able to break through the hex. what we were hit with was vision nearly getting killed...again. it seems that he can’t live beyond the hex either due to him just being parts when wanda recovered him or because wanda won’t let him go. either way, vision can’t live outside of westview. it physically seems like wanda can’t let him go because as he steps out of the hex and is being torn apart, the hex looks like it’s trying to pull him back into it. i know the hex was wanda’s doing but this physically makes it seem as if wanda can’t let him go and is holding him back. it’s kind of true because since vision became more aware, he’s been breaking away from wanda and she’s been trying to keep him in place and on script so that they can be happy together. in their fight in the previous episode, she says that all of this is for them as to say that everything she’s doing is for their happiness. it’s a twisted way of showing how vision can’t live without wanda since it seems that she’s the one keeping him alive.

wanda expanding the hex | wanda’s clearly gotten more powerful over the years and this episode really shows us how fucking powerful she is on her own. it’s hysterical that the base and the most of the agents are turned into circus acts such as clowns. i’ll admit i’m upset darcy got sucked in and not hayward. i’m very interested to see who monica’s guy on the outside is. with wanda expanding the hex, it’s becoming more evident that wanda may be the ‘villain’ of the show or if there is someone else behind all of this, we may not see them until multiverse of madness. still, i believe wanda is victim in some capacity - even if it means she’s fallen victim to her trauma and grief.

[nightswithkookmin]

Hi Goldy, JK was bold in the past, around 2017-2019 (to me, gcf & rosebowl can be considered as ‘coming out’). But it seems he now prefers to stay closeted? E.g. he snatched JM’s hand in the Xylitol x BTS shoot, then looked at the camera. Holding hands is normal among members… a lot of his interactions with Jin, V and other members are more intimate than holding hands… his reaction makes me feel like he wants me to pretend I didn’t know…?

Sorry I've been a bit AWOL lately...

I'm busy being the man of my woman's dreams in a cis het anti black capitalist world

Fun times.

I saw that bit, uWu-ed and kept it pushing.

It's nothing new really. I think a few months back when I was out here screaming Jikook are toning down, acting super professional around the cameras yadda yadda people out here were looking at me like I'd lost my two delulu heads- but this segues into that theme for me and since I've exhausted the topic I don't know what else to add.

I've said before they've both been very conscious of the cameras within certain periods post October- again nothing new, they be like that every now and then every season every phase and the whys will always be up for debate in these ship streets- on that subject, I've read a lot of opinions yet I think like mine better and will stick to it. Thanks Kimberly of Delulu precinct. Walk along now. Lol.

Jimin was like that during the Coway behind the scene shoot too when he noticed the cameras and quickly elbowed Jk to draw him away from the gaze of the cameras.

I don't think it's because they stopped being 'bold' or want to pretend. It takes a lot of courage to even pretend or even perform the gay in front of the world and your peers. I think they are just awfully aware and conscious of the people they work with as well as corporation's growing awareness, intentions and interests in them. You just never know which saessang is moonlighting as a brand PA or marketing director for a company they are working with. You just never know who is watching especially whenever they have to work with these 'outsiders.'

Think of Dispatch. Were they not allies or business partners, they'd be careful around them too if they worked with them. Know what I mean?

Toning down and exercising caution is necessary sometimes. I don't know why some people think that's absurd or Tuktukkerish when I say stuff like that. Especially with the kind of reputation they have as a ship and just how commercially attractive that image is. It's common sense at this point if you ask me.

Jikook sells. Argue with the analytics. I don't know who thinks they don't. Must be the clowns and penguins. They sell period. BigHit knows this, BTS knows this, companies know this. We don't scream Jikook is a brand within a brand for no reason.

And a lot of the toning down in recent times has perhaps inadvertently mitigated that growing power and demand of them as a marketing resource- who knows, that could have as well been by design, intentionally instigated for obvious reasons which I argue is the case but don't mind me. I'm delusional, gay and apparently the man of my woman's dreams uWu. Gotta wear that pants in my relationship. Ayaya Hwaiting.

When you say he prefers to stay closested- I thought they are both closested already?? They both have never been fully out in our opinion. Yes our opinion because I feel we are like minded. Let's be delulu mates.

On the topic of closets, I want to save that for a separate post. What I can say though is they are both growing and maturing and learning and unlearning. Jungkook's desire to 'come out' or act reckless with his glass closet in my opinion stemmed from him placing more value on his personal happiness over other values perhaps because he was young and hadn't fully grasped the full and complex nature of happiness or understand the privilege he has as part of BTS.

We make decisions based on our values most times. It's how I make sense of their actions really. I'm more likely to assume things that are consistent with the values they each have expressed openly and tend to reject any theory that contradicts or is inconsistent with those values. A guy who values his career is less likely to act in a way that puts that career at risk. And I'm well aware their values evolve over time.

These days he has never quit as one of his mottos next to rather dead than cool- do you see the contradictions in those values? Rather dead means quitting life. Yet now he says never quit. Don't mind me. I'm in a grumpy mood.

But what I'm saying is, the desire to want to show the world who this person means to him is not fixed or a priority all the time. Now i think he values his career a lot more than before which means he is more likely to compromise and less likely to do things that may put that career in jeopardy.

Transferring that to his relationship, I don't expect him to be breaching the glass closet anytime soon. And if he do, it might be incidental and may carry with it consequences which I believe he is well aware and concious of now. Will that change? You bet. Again it depends a lot on what his values in a given moment are and which ones he prioritizes.

It's their relationship. They chose which aspects of it they want to share with the cameras. Some of it get written off as fanservice. Fair enough. But the nonfanservice passing moments has always been questionable- although I must say, I find all Jikook moments and interactions questionable lol.

It's just skinship. Holding hands I mean. Why would he be conscious of that right? II'vetalked about consequences and repercussions of their actions. Sometimes I think it's the off screen scolding that gets to him. The ones silently whispered at his back. I mean we saw his reaction when Jimin was getting scolded by the hyungs for sleeping late. He's talked about skipping sleep too if I recall correctly. Jimin is hyung and I know the hyungs expect him to know better and do better. I'd Imagine Jimin would equally scold JK if his actions reflected poorly on him too.

So why the hell would he not say anything to Jungkook for posting on his birthday when he hadn't posted at all for any hyung's??? Sigh.

It's sad his guards are back up- but it's for good reason I believe given the context of the situation.

I don't think dramatizing his dynamic with Jimin makes him bold. Nor does Jimin's propensity to over express himself with Jungkook mean he loves Jungkook more than. Both are extreme takes for me.

Nevertheless, I contrast that moment with a Tae Kook moment which is one of my favorite tuktukk moments. In this moment, JK is staring at Jimin, his whole body turned towards him. Tae notices the cameras and draws JK's attention to it. I think there are two such moments like that from the recent contents? I don't know I have to cross check.

Tae in that moment reminded me a lot of Jimin. Jimin does this too- play out their relationship infront of the cameras to the point one might say he likes to show off their bond- which is such a BTS thing to do too so no big deal. I mean they like to show off their bond and chemistry as Tae said a while back.

It's one thing for JK to hesitate to act with a member because of the cameras, it's another for him to act self conscious only after the fact.

And JK has always been him like this with Jimin as Jimin used to say- JK acts different with me off cameras than he is on camera. He had a history of suppressing himself around Jimin owing in part to his personality

He's talked about putting on a mask around people and in a recent interview Jimin have talked about pretending and acting one way when he's not- I mean I've ever talked about the boy being in love with the Maknae being a facade- one of many.

They have public personas which, from what BTS themselves say, looks slightly different or similar to what we see on screens- or that they've grown to be more like what we see on screens.

I guess what I'm getting at is that 'pretending' isn't exactly a new thing or out of the ordinary. Personally I'd say he's being conscious of his surroundings like Jimin was and not that he is 'pretending.' If you know what I mean.

If he's pretending he has good reason to I believe and we can only speculate on that- we can't know for sure why.

If Jikook is fanservice then there's no need for either of them to worry about the cameras picking up on their interactions or who's watching them.

What goes on in Tae's head? I wanna know.

I don't know where to direct this post because you didn't really ask a question.

I'm fine thanks for asking. I'm really fine. I'm thinking of joining Jimin in the gym at 3am to bench press and build some biceps to match my role in my relationship😒

And no I don't need any advice. Keep it.

This is going to be my attitude until we switch back😐

I'm gonna be a boyfriend from hell and a blogger from satan's ass.

Also I think I overshare💀

GOLDY

[caffernnn]

Haru’s hopelessness - an extensive rambling.

Watchers of Free! Eternal Summer - y’all remember this moment, right? 

Throughout S2, as some of the boys now have to seriously think about their lives and paths after high school, Haru struggles to think past what he’s always known: swimming for his friends/himself, eating mackerel, and being free. Things arguably take a darker turn once Haru cannot run from the question anymore and breaks, lashing out at Rin and saying he doesn’t have a dream or a future. 

There are so many things that can be unpacked from this quote alone, and my thoughts on the matter will probably be sporadic, but here are a few key things I’d like to try diving into in this post:

My interpretation of Haru’s, Makoto’s, and Rin’s characters’ mindsets

What Haru is likely trying to say

How Makoto and Rin interpret his words (based on their mindsets and experiences)

I’d love to hear other people’s thoughts on it all as well, so please feel free to add on :)

DISCLAIMER: This post will reference material outside of S2 itself to explain my insight/interpretation of the characters (S1 episodes, High Speed novel), but I won’t be putting full links to all of those materials in this post. If you’d like a specific link to anything I’m referencing, let me know and I can try to dig one up.

When first hearing Haru say that he doesn’t have a dream or a future, it is shocking and concerning, especially to his friends. However, as broken as lost as Haru is in this moment, the weight of his words and what he’s verbally trying to convey is most likely different than what his friends hear. I feel as if a big reason for this comes down to the different ways the characters perceive time and approach general goal-setting. 

Here is a video that can give a frame of reference for what I mean by “time perception,” but I’ll still try to explain my thinking ---> https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJsdVUhu/

Rin and Haru butt heads on many occasions throughout the series due to having opposing characteristics and approaches to life. The big difference that comes into play during S2 is how they both approach goal-setting and time. As soon as we’re introduced to Rin, it becomes apparent that he is someone who is a visionary that has always set his sights on the future. From boldly proclaiming his Olympic goals in elementary school to encouraging their team to put their relay trophy into a time capsule, Rin establishes himself early on as a dreamer that puts his all into his long-term goals. Being someone who thinks about things in this manner isn’t inherently good or bad, but it does lend a hand to many of the issues we see Rin go through in S1 (having tunnel vision on his goal that isolates him from his friends, being prone to catastrophize when confronted with road blocks along the way [like when he breaks down after losing to Haru in middle school], etc.). However, all of that dreaming puts him at an advantage now when preparing to move forward into post-high-school life. He has a frame of reference for most of his next steps (winning races, talking to scouts), and now he just has to make it a reality.

Haru, in essence, lives his life in the moment. If he wants to swim, he’ll try to swim; if he wants mackerel, he’ll try to make mackerel. He lets the people around him (usually Makoto) worry about the possible consequences for his actions (swimming too early in spring might get him sick, swimming in a fish tank might get him kicked out of XYZ place, cooking mackerel after a long bath might make him late for school, etc.). The way he thinks about all of his “tomorrows” beyond acting freely on impulse is through having a consistent routine or norm to cling onto. When swimming, he’ll swim freestyle. When given a choice, he’ll default to eating mackerel. He’ll find a way to get in a swim or a bath most days because water is safe. He’ll walk with Makoto to and from school, sticking to the side of the path closest to the ocean and anticipating sharing the same split popsicle. This is about as much thought as he lends to the future, usually: he’ll keep doing the things that make him happy and comfortable, whatever that’ll mean to him in the moment. In opposition of Rin, this frame of mind based in immediacy and short-term goals helps him in S1 (teaching Rin to appreciate the moment, connecting with his friends, not getting lost in the overly analytical or competitive side of swimming), but it makes the challenges that come with his looming graduation in S2 much harder to cope with. 

The reason that it’s important to understand how both Haru and Rin frame their perceptions of time is because it plays right into what Haru is saying during their argument. He is frustrated with Rin because Rin doesn’t understand the way Haru thinks/lives moment-to-moment (he yells as much in this fight) and he is tired of hearing people for years try and push him into long-term thinking about his future when he doesn’t naturally approach life that way. Think back to one of the first things Haru said in S1: 

“When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person. About three years until I'm ordinary. Man... I can't wait to be ordinary.”

Because of Haru’s swimming abilities, people have looked at him as a prodigy and have had their own visions about his potential or his future ever since he was young. Even if it seems like flattery, Haru feels boxed in by all of this. Being considered a prodigy comes with expectations that put him on a pedestal he never asked to be placed on -- if he’s going to swim, he’s expected to swim well; if he swims well, he’s expected to capitalize on his abilities in a competitive manner or expand his horizons to other forms of swimming; if he’s going to live his life tied to the water, people view him as a swimmer before they view him as anything/anyone else. Haru has been frustrated with all of this since he was younger (as expressed in S1), but it gets even worse as people close in on Haru from all sides with advice and sentiments that compound in Haru’s head as belonging to the echo chamber he hates so much. 

So... what does this all mean in relevance to Haru saying he doesn’t have a dream or a future? Here’s my line of thinking: all of the internalized frustration Haru has with long-term thinkers (from his perspective) speaking over him and not taking time to understand his in-the-moment intuition-led mindset comes out in this line. What Haru is trying to say is that he doesn’t have a detailed long-term plan because he isn’t a romantic visionary like Rin. He wants to stick with his relatively free lifestyle (y’know, the one where he can do what he wants, but still ultimately sticks to a routine) because he sees no point in forcing himself to put effort into big changes if 1) he’s satisfied and 2) the system isn’t broken.*

*we learn later, especially through Haru and Makoto’s later fight, that these two points are up for debate, but this is what Haru has convinced himself to believe at the time of this specific confrontation.

However, with the way Haru vocalizes this frustration, it is vague enough that Rin and the others hear something much different. It’s written right on their faces. Like I mentioned earlier, being a long-term thinker prone to catastrophizing, Rin interprets (and possibly misconstrues) Haru’s words to mean that he doesn’t think he has the potential or abilities to strive for something. Rin feels Haru’s words like a punch to the gut because he relates Haru’s hopelessness to the times he has felt lost and hopeless, like when defeat after defeat led to him breaking down after his middle school race with Haru. It’s shocking and it stings for Rin to hear, because as much as he’s learned to believe in himself and his own future, he’s also held onto those dreams and hope for his friends. I’ll admit, his dedication and borderline obsession with swimming lends to him mostly vocalizing the dreams he has for his friends that are related to swimming (Makoto and Haru getting scouted, Sousuke returning to swimming), but the love is still there. 

The idea of long-term vs short-term thinkers I’ve presented isn’t completely dichotomous or black-and-white, even though Haru and Rin tend to fall on the far opposite sides of the proposed spectrum. So, where does someone like Makoto fall? 

Makoto is an interesting case. From how I’ve come to understand his character, I would say he also looks to the future, albeit in less idealistic or extreme ways than Rin. Makoto’s forward line of thinking presents itself through both his people-pleasing tendencies and his caring disposition. When Makoto interacts with people, he is often observant and calculating, trying to figure out how he can navigate a conversation in the most complimentary or polite manner. This ability and tendency to understand/empathize with others ties into a lot of the roles he takes on: team captain, big brother, part-time position as a swim coach, full-time position as Haru’s impulse control... he is inclined to think about the future and all of the possible consequences for his actions. This also ties into some of the other things we know Makoto’s character for, such as being a scaredy-cat (aka, someone who overthinks consequences in fear of the unknown) and a ray of sunshine (aka, someone who wants to see the best in people and holds onto optimism/hope for the people he loves, even if it sometimes means not saving enough for himself and his own abilities). 

Despite being more of a forward-thinker, Makoto has definitely been influenced by his close relationship with Haru. Makoto has spent most of his life observing and learning how to read Haru, and it has been shown time and time again that Makoto is one of the people (if not, the person) that understands Haru best. He understands that Haru values the freedom of choice and harbors a desire for unconditional appreciation. He understands that Haru puts stock in consistency/reliability and needs time and space to process or reflect when life deviates from that carefully-crafted norm. Makoto’s actions towards Haru over the years all reflect him trying to be respectful of these observations. Even when he can tell something is bothering Haru, Makoto tries to let Haru work it out on his own first, not prodding him for information but letting his presence/support be known all the same. I digress, being best friends, their lives and routines are tightly woven together. Because of this, Makoto spends a lot of time also living in-the-moment with Haru -- he is a large proponent in Haru’s “free” lifestyle. 

Since Makoto has a foot in both Haru and Rin’s respective worlds, how does he interpret Haru’s declaration that he doesn’t have a dream or a future? Surely, since he understands Haru and his position so well and has always been respectful of his mindset/wishes, he gets what Haru is trying to say... right? 

Unfortunately for Haru (or fortunately, depending on who you ask), Makoto is immediately concerned by those words in a way similar to Rin. Like I mentioned earlier, Makoto holds deep optimism and hope in his chest for all of the people he cares about. Even though he never forced lofty expectations onto Haru to swim or be anything other than himself, he still holds so much care and hope for his best friend. For Makoto to hear that Haru might not have that faith in himself or the belief that he is worth a bright future, it breaks his heart. Similar to Rin, he is probably thinking back to his own moments of hopelessness, and I can’t help but think back to the lost and scared Makoto fighting with himself during the middle school days. When entering middle school, Makoto struggles with his identity, trying to figure out just how dependent he is on Haru’s friendship. One of his darkest moments in my mind comes from Chapter 8 of the High Speed! 2 novel, when Makoto is beating himself up especially hard after being frozen by his fear of the ocean yet again. Haru finds Makoto alone on a secluded part of the shore, where he says this:

“Will I be alright even if Haru isn’t here? …..I wanted to make sure of that.”

Raising his eyebrows, he shows a lonely smile. Makoto was fighting all along. He was suffering, all along. In a place where Haruka’s thoughts couldn’t possibly reach... 

“Would Haru be alright even if I weren’t here?”

If Makoto’s internal struggles throughout their middle school days reveal anything, it is that Makoto has experienced a hopelessness that he wouldn’t ever wish on his friends. To think that Haru might now be at war with himself in a way that makes him question his own place in the world, his future... it is the ultimate catalyst for Makoto to step in and try to talk to Haru. Sadly, we all remember how that confrontation went...

ENTER: THE FIREWORKS FIGHT (S2E11)

(Since this post is already super long, I might go more into my thoughts on how this all plays into the misunderstandings about the fireworks fight in a separate post. We’ve talked about the fight at length on multiple occasions and you can definitely find my thoughts on the matter if you look under the “#fireworks angst night” or “#meta” tags on my profile.)

If you’ve made it this far into the post, thanks for sticking with me. I’d love to hear about how you interpreted Haru’s words or how you think the others took in his breakdown. 

[theonceandfutureking6481]

BBC's Merlin Season 1 Episode 1: The Dragon's Call Analysis

*SPOILERS- FOR THE WHOLE SHOW*

So I just re-watched episode 1 of Merlin, The Dragon's Call and I thought I'd post my thoughts here, since this is the kind of thing I always wanted after I watched Merlin for the first time. Sorry, it's quite long!!

This episode is great fun to watch but also really interesting from a thematic perspective, as it introduces all the key characters and many key themes that continue throughout the show.

Setting it up as subverting traditional telling's of the legend

The wonderful thing about Arthurian legend is how many ways you can tell it, there is very little canon, it's whole point is that it has been reinterpreted time and again to say different things, be that as it may there are traditional elements which tend to remain constant and Merlin keeps some of these but many it takes out and it sets that up here.

The introduction is like a fairytale, "the young warlock arriving at the gates of Camelot", feels very much like the introduction to a fairy tale. This is on one hand telling us that this is a story we know like any fairytale, but the very fact that Merlin is young shows us that it is going to be different.

On the side, I love the line "A boy that will in time father a legend", because there's just this wonderful gap between the audience and the characters (as there is throughout the whole story), we know that Merlin will do great things, we know that Arthur will too, they are stories we have heard (tying again into that fairytale esque introduction), and its wonderful to know that, to see Merlin and know that he is destined for greatness.

Introduction to characters:

I haven't got a specific section for Merlin here, but its sort of strewn throughout everyone elses.

Morgana:

If you know Arthurian legend you will know that in many (even most) versions of the story Morgana is a villain, so her introduction here is both scary and fascinating. She is so clearly not a villain, and you wonder (if Merlin stays true to this element) what is going to change and happen that she will become one. I knew from the start that Morgana would become a villain (I had heard a lot of spoilers), so it was especially tragic and interesting to watch her character arc because I always knew. Interestingly she is immediately set up in alliance with Merlin, even though they barely interact. We know that he is a sorcerer, and her first lines are oppositional to Uther's stance on magic, she out of everyone in Camelot seems the most likely ally. This is the start of what becomes parallel character arcs, Morgana and Merlin are both fighting for magic to become legal but they end up going about it in different ways, and one is the main villain, the other our hero. They are the same and yet opposites, and the setting up starts from here.

Arthur:

Arthur appears quite simply to be a spoiled bully, not exactly what we expect from the King Arthur we know and love. The position he starts in though is important for a key element of the story which is Merlin and Arthur creating a better world in many ways directly oppositional to Uther's teachings, based on love, kindness, willingness to put others first and respect for others. Uther's world is one where strength is rewarded and he is (in a more adult way than Arthur) a bully, as we learn later he is someone who takes his anger and fear out on others, who takes advantage of his position to hurt people even those he loves. Uther can be a good king, but not when it asks him to make sacrifices of his worldview or things that really matter to him. Uther teaches Arthur some important things but there are many things Arthur has to unlearn, and these bullish tendencies, and lack of respect for others inherent in them are one of them. We do however see Arthur's inherent nobility and goodness in this episode. When he lets Merlin go because even though he's an idiot "he's a brave one", it shows us how Arthur respects what people do rather than who they are. Uther wouldn't of let Merlin go (though to be fair Uther probably wouldn't of picked a fight with a peasant), he would have thought that the law had to be upheld no matter the individual circumstance. Merlin attacked the prince that is definitely illegal but Arthur respects his courage (even though it came at the cost of his humiliation), and there is something different to Uther in that, even good.

Merlin and Arthur:

This episode aside from setting the tone for the more hilarious aspects of Merlin and Arthur's relationship establishes some other interesting things about what they are going to be to each other in this version of the story. Traditionally Merlin is Arthur's teacher, often tutoring him as a child, obviously this doesn't happen here but they retain that element of teaching here. Kilgharrah literally says that maybe it is Merlin's job to change the fact that Arthur's an idiot. Merlin challenges Arthur from the start, willing to criticise him and treat him as an equal (which Arthur actually appears to love), and we see perhaps what Merlin is going to teach Arthur and the more noble elements of Arthur's character that Merlin's going to bring. It is also only within the context of his interactions with Merlin that we see Arthur's best side (at least in this episode). Merlin shows Arthur that he has to treat all people with respect, Arthur recognises that Merlin is brave and full of qualities that Arthur himself admires. When Merlin saves Arthur's life you can see Arthur re-evaluating everything he thought he knew about him, there is a respect there.

Arthur's Mum Igraine

She's not a big part of this episode but she was mentioned and I think its interesting how she's represented. In many ways her representation is highly simplistic, she falls to the fate of many fairy tale mothers in being dead before the story begins, she's a plot device. She is presented (not outright but implied) with all the stereotypical virtues mothers are ascribed with, the woman who's trying to kill Arthur this episode talks to Uther about how hard it must have been for Arthur to grow up without a mother. It's not a huge scene but its an insight into Arthur's character, he was brought up with all the hate and bullishness of Uther without a mother who could have taught him love and kindness. As we later learn Igraine's death triggered the great purge, her loss very much symbolises the loss of love within the kingdom, both in what Arthur's like at the beginning as well as what Camelot has become under Uther's leadership.

Gwen (and Merlin):

She is wonderful and sweet and interestingly (especially for an audience that knows Arthur is going to marry her one day) a servant. It is interesting that the two people who become in the show (and we know as an audience will one day be) closest to Arthur are servants.

The thing about Arthurian legend is that typically its very much set within a context of Medieval feudalism, which means stringent social barriers. The code of equality inherent in the idea of a Round Table is equality among nobles, the code of chivalry is a code of honour for knights not for ordinary people. It's a reflection of the social realities of the era that inspires much of the aesthetic of Arthurian legend as well as the era in which most key tenants of the legend were formed. In making Merlin (Arthur's teacher & (in this show) best friend/soulmate) and Guinevere (Arthur's wife) servants, this show is changing this idea for one more reflective of our own times. It is about absolute equality of all people, and as I've said already the inherent value that every single human being has and the individual capabilities for nobility and goodness and everything the Knights Code admires. It thus sets the tone for what Arthur is going to represent, not just the ideal of knighthood and courage but the ideal of kingship for all people and the ideal of the world that matters to every person.

The self reproducing nature of love and hate

This is an idea which I've always viewed as the main theme of Merlin, the idea that hate begets itself, as does love. This episode is a perfect encapsulation of that theme which recurs again and again. Uther kills a man who is innocent (in the sense that he didn't actually hurt anybody) and the man's mother seeks vengeance and in doing so kills more innocent people because she hates Uther enough that she doesn't care who else she hurts to get at him. This happens again and again in the show, but what this show does that I love is turn it into a main theme by depicting the reverse. Arthur and Merlin are great because they act against this world of Uther's creation, they act with love and compassion and respect for all people, the ends rarely justify the means and most importantly, especially when their actions seem morally grey, they are always motivated by their love for others (not fear or hate- unlike Uther and any number of villains). Uther is the main villain of the show precisely because it is his actions that create every other villain they encounter, Morgana sums it up nicely and somewhat ominously (given what side she ends up on)- "the more brutal you are the more enemies you'll create". Uther views that brutality as strength, but it is the weakness at the heart of his kingdom, it is what makes Camelot a worse place it is what puts everyone he cares about in danger. Essentially the plot of the first episode sets up the cycle of violence that Uther started, though it doesn't set up Merlin and Arthur as breaking it it does set up the idea of equality and respect for all people that Arthur will learn and is essentially opposed to the brutality and cruelty and hate represented by Uther.

Fun non-analysis things

It mightn't seem like it but I do actually watch Merlin for reasons other than copious analysis of themes. It is a highly enjoyable show with characters and relationships (Merthur but also just generally the wonderful representation of friendship and loyalty) I love, and its actually really funny.

Gwen saying "Who'd want to marry Arthur" is peak comedy because we all know, well you.

The weird set up in Gaius' first scene as him being bumbling and slightly insane (in the mad wise old man sort of way), there is literally no carry through, he's not even like this in the rest of the episode, but its hilarious so who cares.

Merlin and Arthur's whole exchange is the funniest thing and Arthur had every insult coming. Also this is exactly how you set up enemies to lovers.

All the writers names begin with J? It's just something I notice every time the intro credits roll and it's just funny (Julian Murphy, Johnny Capps, Jake Michie and Julian Jones)- also two Julian's, I mean what are the chances?

[delu-jean]

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞: 𝐔𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐲

(Jean x fem!/reader) -> Angst (A little fluffy in this chapter) -> 3.1k 

Ⅱ > Ⅳ

You felt uneasy after hearing those words, just what exactly was going to happen? 

‘Why was Bertholdt so anxious, why did he seem to be in such a hurry, were they figured out?’  you stood still after such a thought. 

What if they were? Maybe that’s why he was trying to protect you?...but then at the same time, how after all of this time? It didn’t make any sense being that those three were too good at stage play. You decided that inferring things weren’t going to help, so rather, you decided to listen to Bertholdt since his advice would. 

That being the case, you chose to distance yourself with days that came. Of course you didn’t want to doubt the three (about getting caught), but that didn’t mean you couldn’t take any precautions. You decided that not getting involved with others would lessen the chance of your loss. 

People in the training grounds tried interacting with you, but you either simply smiled them off, or went your way. You wanted to be alert as possible in this situation, that being the case, there was no time for interaction with the...enemy….

‘Enemy this and enemy that,’ you thought to yourself angrily. Honestly, at this point, your feelings about these Eldians had changed. 

You felt conflicted because now you had a visual on what these people were like. They seemed like ordinary civilians, living their lives like anyone else. The difference was, rather than living under the oppression of Marely, they were living under the rule of titans. You learned just how damaging they were to their kind, which honestly...made you feel remorseful. 

At the same time, even if this was your view of them (for now atleast), you kept on reminding yourself that they could easily turn into “devils” at any moment. Especially if they knew that you were a part of an opposing side. Yes, the same race, yet you both were so...different. You sighed to yourself as you watched Jean try to approach you. 

It was Eldians like Jean who gave you hope. While Eren terrified you, Jean did the opposite. His presence made you feel comfortable, and enlightened. Not that the others weren’t kind, it was that...Jean was different. Very different in fact. You weren’t sure as to why that was, but kept that feeling tucked away. 

You kept convincing yourself that staying away from the others was for your safety, and yours only. But you knew deep down that you wouldn’t want any of them to get caught up in such brutal affairs. Especially Jean...since he was the closest to you (out of the bunch). So, you deflected him. But you did it in a harsher manner. If you had just smiled, he would’ve been more persistent. So, you simply avoided him. 

When he approached, you walked the other way. When he waved, you would look away. When he tried talking to you, you gave him no words. Your eyes averted elsewhere (partly had to do with how anxious you were) and you tried dodging any questions. This went on for a bit until he eventually gave in and stopped trying to get your attention. You were relieved for that, yet hated the feeling. He seemed hurt by your actions, and you could tell what kind of effect they were giving. Regardless, you kept those thoughts in your mind. 

‘Y/n...you’re doing this for the sake of you, the warriors and...the others,’ (A/N: “others” being Jean fufu ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)) 

Trost

The day came when you all headed to Trost. You saw, or rather, heard the scouts as they had just come back from an expedition. However, your attention wasn’t poured into that, but rather, the task ahead. Some of your comrades were sent to clean the cannons, some at the supply route, and others (along with yourself) were helping with loading things such as: supplies, food, and etc. 

Jean and Marco were also with you. You sighed carrying boxes back and forth while the two conversed behind you. Marco then left and you noticed Jean was still behind you. It was quiet for a while, but then he decided to break the ice.

“Y/n…” you don’t respond and eventually, it gets on his nerves. 

“Y/n...L/n,” his tone got more aggressive. He then snapped and started yelling.

“Y/n...Why won’t you talk to me dammit!? I don’t understand why you’re doing this, and exactly as to when you’ll stop!! You’ve been avoiding everyone, me especially! Last time I checked, I didn’t do anything, so why are you avoiding me?” 

He took a deep breath as you continued to keep your mouth shut. Gosh was he getting on your nerves. You just needed time alone until Bertholdt gave you the clear, or anything for the matter. He hasn’t talked to you ever since, and you haven’t interacted with the other two (worried something might have happened). You continued doing your job. 

“Seriously!? Y/N TALK TO ME!” 

You looked at him intensely, straight in the eye. Before you could say anything, you heard a large explosion from a far. Though it didn’t sound close, it was close enough for you to hear. Out of reaction, you grabbed Jean’s arm and started running in the opposite direction. 

“Y-Y/n!? What are you-”

“Just trust me,” you barely got that out as the bells started ringing. 

‘But how?...titans?...how did they break the wall?....” you panicked yet tried keeping your composure. 

Although you did this, you could tell Jean knew your mind wasn’t in the best condition. Regardless, you brushed it off and tried looking for the other three. In the process, civilians ran towards the direction you both were headed. Many pushed, shoved, and trampled those in front. You almost lost Jean, but he had a tight grip around your hand. That touch comforted you in the midst of this chaos. 

“WE NEED AS MANY SOLDIERS AS WE CAN GET! FILL YOUR TANKS AND GET A MOVE ON!” 

Both you and Jean ran towards the supply ruote (HQ) preparing yourselves for what was yet to come. 

You ran inside to then see others in a hurry. Filling up tanks, blasting out, and panicking all at once. You saw Armin and Eren sitting together. Armin struggled while Eren scolded. You approached the two quickly and asked: 

“What exactly is happening?” 

“I saw the colossal,” Eren responded. 

‘Bertholdt?...what the hell…’ 

“He kicked down the entrance, and now titans are flooding. Quick, fill up your tanks to max capacity. And Armin, hurry, they need us.” 

‘How...just what was he thinking?’ you then were sectioned off into different groups, spreading from there. 

You and your team were off killing titans. So far, you were able to get three successfully, but sacrificed two people in the process. Annie had glided past you at one point, a sharp stare was given to her, yet she didn't acknowledge the exchange and went the other direction. You felt frustrated not knowing as to why Bertholdt would do such a thing, but knowing she knew, made you outraged. 

Being so caught in thought, your gear then stopped working. You had to stop at a rooftop. You struggled while trying to untangle your wires, along with fixing the controls. The stress was really seeping in (which wasn’t helping). You then saw a titan approaching. It was a slower one, yet, it approached with long strides. You started to lose your composure, was this where you would also lose your life? 

You then thought about what Bertholdt said.

“Whatever you do, don’t get killed. Stay alive, and alert. Stick with Jean, Eren, Mikasa. Anyone for the matter...okay?” 

You looked around to see everyone soaring the other direction. Some gave you empathetic looks, but that was about it. No one was going to save you, and here you were left...alone. You sat there helplessly. There was no way you were going to fix your gear in time. 

“Sorry Bertholdt...I guess I’m going to break my promise-” 

Right before the titan got its hands on you, Jean swooped in and grabbed you. Your eyes widened as it almost caught his wire. Luckily, he was able to pull out a lot faster and dogged the attack. You then looked at him as he clung onto you. A couple others behind him sliced the titans' nape, giving you both time to escape. 

While you both were in the air, he helped adjust your gear correctly. He was now dragging you. Once things were fixed, you both swung side by side. He seemed very frustrated, and started yelling yet again. 

“You were struggling with controlling the wires and controls!? Y/n, that’s basic training!! How could you struggle with that in this scenario?! I’ve taught you so many times-” he then looked to see you...crying. 

Tears flowed down the side of your cheeks while you whimpered. The thought of death scared you, but the thought of him dying also...was too much to bear. If he was even a second late, he would’ve died along with you. What would you have done then, nothing. Because you wouldn’t have been able to. He was right, this was basic training, yet you failed to even complete that. No wonder why Bertholdt told you to stick with others. You thought you could get through things yourself, yet this event proved you wrong. 

You felt him put an arm around you, guiding you to a reserved building. He wrapped his arms around you as he exhaled deeply. You could feel him quiver as your face was buried in his shoulder. He sighed and ran his hand down your head to your back. 

“I’m sorry, I was being too brash. It’s just that...I could have lost you...you know? I’ve watched so many people die today, and I couldn’t imagine you being one of them,” you cried a lot harder now. Forget keeping your guard up, this was  a matter of life or death. And if that was the case, you wanted to do things according to your terms. 

You both stood there for a few minutes until you heard the others catch up. From there, he let go of you and then gave you his hand. 

“Come on, let’s go,” he grinned softly as you accepted the offer. Flying your way out. 

---

After regrouping with everyone, Jean was then in charge of the brigade. Marco had ensured that his leadership would do them good, and so did you. Jean led you back to HQ. Some were lost during this action, but some had made it. After crashing into HQ, you could tell Jean was on edge. You wanted to console him, but before you could, you watched as he started telling off the other scouts there. 

“PEOPLE ARE DYING OUT THERE!”

“YOU COULDN’T DO YOUR JOB AND BRING OUT SUPPLIES!?” 

“THAT’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HANDLE!” 

Marco held him back as you watched him yell. You wanted to stop it, but he wasn’t wrong. If they had done their job, maybe less of you would’ve died. But instead here you were. Hundreds dead physically, and the other thousand mentally. 

While Jean was having his moment, you tried straightening yourself out. You saw Bertholdt, Reiner, and Annie standing at the other end of the room. You approached them in anger, only to be interrupted by titans. Ready to grab your blades, you then saw a berserk titan on the loose. The features of it were very distinct, which got you thinking. 

“No...that’s impossible…” you then looked at the others who seemed to have similar thoughts. 

You watched (along with others) as it took down titan after titan. With that being over, Armin came over plan ready and determined as ever. 

“Okay, so this is what we need to do.” 

You got in positions, gun ready, and watched as Jean, Miaksa, Sasha and the others positioned themselves. This was somewhat of a scary encounter, but you listened to Marco as he led the group (along with Armin). 

“FIRE!” you then heard gunshots coming from different directions, along with yours. 

You watched as one titan sprawled on the floor. It seemed as if someone had just killed it, which meant things didn't go according to plan. But that didn’t matter. As Long as you all were alive, that was good enough. You all started filling up your tanks yet again. You watched Marco and Jean have a little bonding moment. You thought it was sweet and decided to watch instead of intrude. 

Jean caught your stare and gave you a smile in return. You felt your cheeks flush a bit as you turned the other way, focusing on the task given. 

You’re sent out and continue fighting titans. You were able to get about one yourself while your team helped you with the others. Before you went, you watched as the berserk titan was covered in many other titans. 

‘That would only happen if...so I was right…’ you gazed as it ran towards another. 

The three in front of you stared intensely at the beast, probably having the same thoughts. While you four were tense, everyone watched as it took down another titan. Then, it tarnished into a corpse. You watched waiting to see who would come out of the cocoon, to see no other than… “Eren Jaegar.” 

You froze in place. Why, why him of all people? He already scared you enough, and now he had the founder. What the hell was this monstrosity? Your eyes widened to then hear Jean say: 

“So Eren...did all of this?...” 

Time Skip  

Eventually, you saw a crowd of cadets piled up. Curious, you went to see the commotion. It seemed as if most soldiers had given up for the cause, and you couldn’t help but empathize. You understand why they wanted to leave, but you, if not all, needed them to stay. You then heard a whistle from above, Commander Pixis looked down at each and everyone of you. 

He spoke for a good moment, to then introduce Eren. You could see his determination all the way from here. Rather than petrified, you felt discouraged. It would be a challenge to get the founder from such a feisty person, that is, if you even could. You then started to pay attention to what the commander was instructing. You had one of the two choices. 

Either work with your comrades on the walls, or go and distract titans within them (meaning, in the town itself). You decided to stay cautious, and helped from above. Although that’s what you decided, you knew the others would do differently. So you picked yourself up, got into formation, and did your best when fiending off the titans. 

Eventually, Eren was able to close off the exit. “History” was made, you would say. Your throat was parched as you felt overwhelmed with the feeling of relief. You made it, and so did the people surrounding you. You made it your business to find Jean and the others. You swung all around to then see them on the roofs. You pull Jean towards your direction, flying you both to a different area. The others watched you, but you could care less. 

He seemed very flustered, and was going to say something, but you didn’t give him the chance to. Instead, you quickly placed him in another compact, yet needed hug. You felt him relax and quickly do the same. You tightened your grip each time he moved, and smiled into his coat as you said the words: 

“We did it, we lived and saved the people we could,” he seemed like he had gone through a lot, but melted into your embrace as you both sat there, together. 

“Yeah...we did.” 

Clean up

You and Jean had parted just minutes ago. He claimed that he hadn’t seen Marco, so he wanted to go and look for him. You assured him things would be fine and he grinned. You let him go on his way, and you went yours. You had business to attend, remembering as to why this happened in the first place. You went up to Bertholdt and gripped his arm. He could tell you were furious and looked at the other two (and vice versa). 

“Okay...not here…” he whispered as you let go. 

“Okay well it better be somewhere!” 

Reiner directed you three towards an empty place. You inhaled sharply as you clenched your fists. 

“First of all, what the hell was that Bertholdt? I hear the bell to then be told the ‘Colossal Titan’ was seen. Why was I not told about this? You guys killed so many of our comrades in the process-” 

“Y/n, define ours. If anything, they sound like yours,” Reiner said as you walked up to him. You could care less at this point, as you scowled: 

“You know damn well you think differently. Stick your act up your ass when I’m not here, but as of right now, you better give the explanation I want.”  

You take a step back as Reiner stares to the side. Your anger was not something to trigger, and you made sure to display that. He sat there for what seemed like hours, as you did the same. You thought a little during this time. 

‘Wait...maybe they...maybe they wanted me dead? What else could be the reason for such actions?...’ you then looked at Reiner. Although you decided not to confront your thoughts, they didn’t confirm anything either. That was until reiner started blurting out nonsense. 

“It was last minute.”

‘If that were the case, why did Bertholdt warn me in advance?’

“We didn’t want to burden you.” 

‘Liar...you didn’t want to tell me...but why?’

“What matters is that you’re alive.” 

‘But you wanted me dead.’ 

Bad Eldians, good ones...could you even classify them as good Eldians at this point. But even worse, could you even say you were one? You knew of the warriors and their titans all along, the original plans taking place, yet here you were defending those you were “against.” At this point, you weren’t even sure where your priorities stood, and you knew too well for a fact that the three others didn’t as well. 

“Look, next time we’ll be sure to let you in. Don’t take it the wrong way...okay? We care about you, and we did what we thought was best. Now, let's help clean up.” 

He started to walk away as Bertholdt followed. You watch Bertholdt look back to then stare at Annie. You felt bad for the ordeal he was in since she walked elsewhere. But then, you felt even more sorry for yourself and the situation you were put in. 

Ⅱ > Ⅳ

[okayto]

Mini-Review: Nichijou

The ordinary life of the peculiar students from class 1-Q and their odd acquaintances.

Every time I sit down to write a review, I am reminded of my admiration for people who do this professionally, particularly for something as difficult to sum up as Nichijou.

This is weird and fun and I don’t know how to describe it in a way that captures its appeal.

The anime is now 10 years old, first released in 2011 and originally released subtitled in the US, but the dub was released just 2 years ago. Actually, I did a double take the first time saw the year listed online, because I wouldn’t have guessed it was old at all. The animation is good--at times amazing--and the absurd humor feels fresh.

Each episode is made up of multiple mini stories. Some follow the closest things we have to main characters: schoolgirl trio Mio, Mai and Yuuko; and robot Nano, her 8-year-old creator/charge Hakase, and their newly-adopted cat who can talk via another invention, Sakamoto. Other stories follow secondary characters, classmates and teachers. Sometimes stories interact, but other times they’re completely separate.

As the series goes on, though, we find the characters are more connected: the mohawk student is the son of the dumpling salesman; one teacher is the older sibling of a student; Nano the robot appears in the background doing chores while another character is the focus of a story. But those are also bonuses: a story will call your attention to a connection if knowledge is needed to enjoy the episode, so you don’t have to remember a large cast.

Some stories are just barely removed from regular slice of life: a daydream, not wanting your embarrassing manga to be seen by your friends, gym class. Other stories take it farther: the principal wrestles a deer, a teacher plots to trap her student into revealing she’s a robot, one guy rides a goat to school.

I initially turned this on just to play in the background as I did other stuff, but within a few episodes I found myself constantly rewinding to catch things I’d missed while distracted.

Absurd and surreal are the keywords here. It’s not zany, not million-miles-a-minute gags and slapstick, but it’s also not doing weird stuff without reason. There is a story here, one that goes through all 26 episodes, and the show’s strength is how it can turn something simple like getting coffee, or a classroom chat with friends, into high drama while still providing an actually funny story.

The art is beautiful, but deceptively simple at first. Standard clean lines and colors, you may not notice at first how fluid the animation gets, particularly during an action sequence. And action sequences abound, whether they be a gym class, a chase, a daydream, or a fight. Stylized art pops up, too, to great effect.

Verdict

English Dub? Yes, and it’s fantastic. Some scenes released below, when Funimation announced the dub cast, are great, but don’t show the wide-ranging cast.

Visuals: Beautiful, though they seem deceptively simple (good, clean lines but simple) at first.

Worth Watching? Yes. It would work fine for the reason I first started it: to be on in the background, but after watching I can also see why it’s so well-regarded as a comedy. 

Where to watch (USA, as of August 2021): Funimation (sub and dub), BD/DVD

Click my “reviews” tag below or search “mini review” on my blog to find more!

[keeperoftinyarmy]

1 I follow all of jm's ships and I must say it's been a while since ym has been interacting so much. I missed them. Which leads me to smthg i'd like to point out. There are ships in bts that r kinda always there they're always in the backgroung sort of like hopekook, jihope, minimoni & then u have the tk or ym who'd go months without really interacting or sitting next to each other but then u have jm putting his hand on sg knees, sitting close & tk being all over each other. I follow u and some

Anonymous said:

2 of ur mutuals & I don't always get ur thoughts on km. When s/o points out that tkk r too touchy for friends who r not emotionaly connected u guys say it's bcoz both jk & tae r touchy but i see jk never touches jm like that. When ppl point out that jk sometimes doesn't reciprocate with jm u say it's bcoz jk is afraid to get caught on camera yet the guy nibbled jm's ears during rb & put him on his lap. So If jk is afraid to touch jm on cam why does he nibble his ear? Jk is hard to understand

Anonymous said:

3 & i don't quite understand how u explain him being so touchy with jhope or tae (who he's been emotionaly distant with) but jk putting some distance at times with jm supposedly because he doesn't wanna do too much in front of the cam for fear of letting his emotions be seen and yet he makes gcfs who at the very least show jm as the dearest person to him in the group. I get why ppl question jk's intentions so much ppl can't seem to be able to convincingly explain his rs with tae & jm.

4 idk if i'm explaining myself well the word limit makes it hard to elaborate my thoughts. Basically my question would be could u clearly explain ur thoughts on why jk is so physically close with a member he is emotionaly distant with & why he seems to put boundaries with jm who he is closest to while using his art to express his closeness with him & also at times doing weird things like nibbling jm's ear & supposedly being bolder than jm at times. His behavior doesn't make sense.

---+++----

As we can see the culture of the BTS friendship/family is very tactile and affectionate. All of the guys display physical affection toward each other in varying forms. As you mentioned, Jungkook does not shy away from the affection and often gives it freely...to everyone...but less often to Jimin. Why? You mentioned that GCFT shows Jimin to be a dear hyung, which should mean Jungkook should be just as openly affectionate with him as he is with the others. Let's suppose that Jungkook has stronger feelings for Jimin...a crush..or they are involved...something more than simple friendship. Most people tend to treat the person they are romantically involved with differently. It's why you can spot the couple within a friend group. They might sit a little closer together. They might talk in hushed intimate tones. They might look at each other a bit longer than they do other people. Their touches linger or they touch more often. Those are all the basic tells of a couple. So let's speculate that Jungkook and Jimin are a couple and they don't want that information to come out. How do they avoid that? Maybe touch less to insure that the difference in your connection doesn't show? Since touching a friend evokes a different response than touching a partner.

I don't know for sure why they don't interact the same as the others. But it seems to me they made a conscious choice to temper their physical affection. Now Jimin does touch JK more and I think it is because as another anon said that type of interaction is part of his "beloved stage persona" and also he is the hyung. A hyung doting on his dongsaeng is not out of the ordinary. Also Jimin has a better hold of his emotions...he has a really good poker face. Jungkook does not. He is easy to read...even strangers just watching him on TV can read him. So he may have determined that the best way to keep everything in check is just to hold back from touching Jimin. That is why the times we do see him initiating contact with Jimin there is a hesitation you can almost see him debating within. Or he's running on pure instinct - like Rose Bowl and a simple back hug has somehow been escalated to an ear kiss. If he had taken more time to think on it, maybe that might not have happened...maybe. I just know that Jungkook not touching Jimin seems to be the right decision...because of below.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Hi, since you were discussing about some interactions being fanservice. Do you think the sheer amount of Jimin posts by Tae in weverse, and the many 'I love you..I miss you.. Taehyungie..' posts by Jimin in Twitter were fanservice as well? Same as in the past fancafe posts?

In June 2020 a Harvard paper was published about BH and BTS in which, among many other interesting pieces of information, we were told this:

What this tells us is that while their twitter is overseen by the agency, they have relative freedom when it comes to what they decide to post and write on their Weverse accounts. They can ask for advice, but they don’t have to and the agency itself won’t stick their nose into their decisions (as long as they remain reasonable with what they post I’d assume). 

Based on that I’d say that while their posts on twitter, like selcas and birthday posts, are basically (to a certain degree, meaning not always but oftentimes) a form of fan service, since they post those to stay connected with us, to thank us, or update us on things, their Weverse activity is different. Twitter is their most known social media presence accessible and known by most people (though media seems to occasionally struggle with distinguishing the twt account belonging to the members and the one controlled by staff) while Weverse is specifically just for BTS and ARMY, the way fan cafe used to be. So I’d actually group Weverse and fan cafe into one, though fan cafe offered the members more safety and “privacy” than Weverse does, seeing as you had to pass a rather hard process in order to access and use it, which isn’t the case with Weverse.

Therefore we can assume that whatever it is Tae decides to post on Weverse (just like both him and Jimin did in the past on fan cafe) isn’t fan service but simply whatever it is they want to say and their way of trying to communicate certain things. After all Tae had complained about there not being a video posting function on Wevsere and the second he realized it was finally implemented, he basically left Seokjin on read (who was on Weverse at the time as well) in order to post a video of Jimin with that yellow ball from the Chilsung Cider ad set with the caption “cute”.

We think, and this truly is just our theory so don’t take this as like fact or anything like it, his posts fulfill five criteria:

Tae himself said that he misses the contact and love he gets from ARMY during concerts, so the closest substitute to that is interacting with ARMY on Weverse, which is a bit “safer” and more “personal” than twitter is.

Everything Tae does is planned, as in he doesn’t do anything on sns without thinking about it and being certain that that is whatever it is he wants to do and some kind of thought went into it, especially when he decides to post pictures of Jimin or something about him. Like that time when, after Namjoon was happy that he got some kind of food from the staff that he really wanted, Tae posted pictures of the remaining members in one post yet decided to make a separate one to post a picture of Jimin (despite being able to fit all the pictures into one post) with a separate caption as well. That in a way reminds us of those times when vmin would hug each other before hugging the other members in group hugs at award shows when they won something. So, with that, it seems like he’s simply trying to communicate that Jimin is special to him, since he highlighted him separated instead of along with the other members. Usually, when he posts something more risky or that he didn’t think through completely, like his “revealing” selcas, he deleted them rather quickly, and yet the posts about Jimin are all still there.

When posting pictures of Jimin with captions like “cute” or “our/my Jiminie” or “good until the end” or a selca in bed with just two rather suggestive emoji as caption, it’s rather clear that he is showing affection toward Jimin and also trying to showcase their closeness, especially during times when people might assume they aren’t as close anymore because they don’t appear on screen as much together (since that seems to be the universally accepted “real” friendship-meter, for whatever stupid reason). And no one will tell me any ordinary friend would just go and posts pictures of his best bro with such captions or find a post by ARMY containing their selca and reply by saying “95z is love” if there aren’t more feelings involved. Let’s be real.

By posting such pictures and affection on social media about another person I think it carries a certain message/meaning, as in that you wouldn’t post such things about and pictures of another person if you knew they are in a relationship with someone else, since that would just cause an awkward uncomfortable situation and also make you seem like an as*, but also that you yourself are not in a relationship with someone else either, since that would just cause your partner to feel weird as well, right? And Tae doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d want to cause any such awkwardness and hard feelings, so I think it’s safe to assume that Jimin doesn’t mind him posting these things, like knows about it, and that they are either (potentially) together or share some kind of higher level of shared affection wherein such posts are welcome and perhaps even encouraged.

We also know that Jimin isn’t on sns as often, he said himself he’ll try to continue staying away from it for the most part, so by sharing pictures of him Tae satisfies ARMY’s “demand” or wish for Jimin selcas that otherwise won’t get met (which of course is totally Jimin’s right and if he doesn’t want to post anything himself, that is totally fine and I hope he doesn’t feel any pressure to do something he doesn’t want to do, it’s not like twt has been kind to him in any way in recent months/years...).

So no, we don’t think Tae’s Weverse posts are fan service. When it comes to Jimin, his use of their sns is a little different from Tae. While Tae clearly favors Weverse, Jimin never used it much and rather stayed on twitter, so while some of his posts are more fan service-y, I’d still argue that some of his tweets directed at Tae, like the one where he proclaimed how much he loves and adores him along with a bunch of red and purple hearts, or when he told ARMY to be excited for Scenery, are genuine. Especially since Jimin is particular about his interactions and words about Tae, so for him to say these things and them just being fan service without actual feelings attached to them just doesn’t seem right. While yes, vmin engage in fan service together at times, just like all the other members, they are much more selective in what they are willing to show and share with us about their bond, so presenting such declarations and feelings in a non-serious manner doesn’t really seem like something they would do.

[staticscreenwriting]

California Summer - B.H. Smut [one]

Synopsis: Kings Cove California is Billy Hargrove’s hometown. It’s also a popular summer vacation destination for rich couples and their spoiled kids. (Y/N) is one of those rich girls. Proper, sweet, innocent. Only that all bores her to death and Billy is just the adventure she’s been looking for. It’s all fun and games. A summer fling. Not strings attached. Right? 

Inspired by the songs “dreaming of you” and “Kiss it off me” by Cigarettes After Sex.

 A/N: This is smut, babes. Filthy. I will sit in the shame cube after I post it. Please if that is not fore you, don’t read it. Also do not interact if you’re under 18, that’s just not cool. Kay, thanks ♥

Might fuck around and make this a series.

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

There’s something about California summers, Billy thinks, thank makes them special. They’re hot and sticky and messy but they’re also exciting and exhilarating. The world seems to be dusted in a perpetual golden glow and days seem endless and full of possibility.

Maybe that sentiment is what brings all the tourists to the little coastal town of Kings Cove, California. A town caught between the undeniable charm of an old sleepy coastal town and the ever-expanding demand for tourist-friendly beach houses in gated communities where rich people can relish in the charm the town brings and then piss off once their vacation days are over.

Billy was born here, raised here until he was 17 and shipped off to forge his path in shitville Indiana. He was miserable then, but a shadow of himself. Angry and sad and overwhelmed by emotions he never learned to properly deal with. Singers and artists always seem to find something poetic about being young and angry and lost. Truth is: there’s nothing poetic about it, nothing romantic or desirable. It’s hard and it kills you slowly. Starting with your heart and then taking over every part of you, slowly but surely.

Soon as he turned 18 and was handed his High School diploma, Billy packed all his belongings into the Camaro and was off. The drive back to California, back home, it felt cleansing. Like a rebirth. A return to life at his own terms.

He got out. He survived. This, Billy is sure, he would always pride himself with no matter how trivial it may seem to anyone else. He got out. Not completely whole. Severely bruised. He got out with a heart so scared he’s sceptical it will ever fully heal. But he got out.

Though coming home didn’t come without its hardships and obstacles. There was nothing waiting for him here but a bunch of questions and an uncertain future. Finding a job, a place to stay, a point from which to start — it was hard. It still is hard. But he’s trying his best.

Kings Cove has a handful of restaurants, some convenience stores, a gym, a few bars, a drive-in, a normal cinema and a bowling alley. It’s really nothing spectacular and yet it seems there’s more and more tourist making it their temporary home in the months between May and September. It started about 5 years ago, that the town started changing with the increase in tourism. They bulldozed the playground Billy always played at, the one closest to the beach and built a bunch of fancy-ass houses and condos and a fucking Starbucks. It pains him to see it. To watch the town he loves so much, the one that holds so much charm, turn into a sandbox for rich people to shape and turn and make it something it isn’t. Something empty and lifeless.

The good thing about those tourists though, is that they are really really rich. Absolutely filthy rich. The kind of rich where they don’t know what to do with their money so you can charge them insane prices for ordinary things.

And that’s what the locals have started doing. A scoop of ice cream used to be 30ct, now it’s a dollar. You gotta bend with the world. You gotta adapt. Surviving means changing even if it sucks ass.

When he first arrived back, Billy had no idea how to navigate this place with all its changes. He felt so god damn out of place in his own home. That’s until he reconnected with Johnny, an old friend from middle school. A kid who grew up in a home filled with anger and sadness just as Billy did. Someone who understood. Someone who understands.

Johnny had it all figured out, adapted and changed. Got Billy a job at the maintenance business he works at. Fixing rain gutters and mowing lawns and cleaning driftwood off the sections of private beach belonging to the beach houses. It’s not the greatest job in the world but it’s alright and it pays good money and sometimes Billy even gets to hang out at the houses when the rich people are out taking surf lessons or doing a wine tasting a town over or try their luck on a god damn banana boat.

Kings Cove is small and the locals know each other. They’re a community tightly bonded through their shared disdain for the change their beloved town went through and the knowledge that though they can’t change anything, they can at least make the vacationers pay big money for everything.

It’s his second summer now and most of the families whose houses he tends to he’s already familiar with. You don’t forget the people who tip you 50 bucks each time. On Mondays, Billy cares for the Millers’ backyard. On Wednesday he makes sure the Callaghans’ pool is clean and still stinks of way too much chlorine. On Thursdays, it’s the Franklins’ estate that needs tending to. And weekends? Those are off.

Weekends mean he gets to enjoy the California summer himself. He goes out to the beach just after sunrise, to catch a few waves or just hang out in the ocean and let it wash away the stress resting on his shoulders from a whole week of hard work. Later, much later, when the sun is about to set, the real fun begins. There’s a bonfire almost every week. No one is ever quite sure who starts it and no official invitations are ever spoken though everyone knows and sure enough, every Saturday a crowd of young people gather by the driftwood pile and hang out and drink and dance as the bonfire crackles on.

It’s not just locals either. There’s always a few stray tourists there. Billy isn’t really all that interested in getting to know them. This is just a blip on their radar. A temporary adventure. But to him this place is home and he’s so fucking tired of these rich kids coming around and acting like they own the place. He’s the first to admit though, that the girls are quite hot and he doesn’t mind a little fling here and there without the fear of having them want anything permanent, knowing their time together comes with an expiry date. They can be quite fun and they’re so willing to let themselves fall into an intimate adventure with a local.

There’s no chase, no effort from him. The only annoying thing is they usually don’t grasp the idea of a summer fling and get clingy to the point where it becomes frustrating.

It’s a bonfire like any other, when his eyes drift across the beach, filled with people mingling all clutching a bottle or a cup. Nothing feels different or spectacular or special. But maybe that’s the thing about special moments — we don’t realise they’re special until we look at them in retrospect. And then they mean everything.

His eyes meet hers across the way. There are no fireworks. His heart beats at a normal rate. Whatever the movies and the songs try to sell you, that’s not how it really happens. Your world won’t shift and there will be no hummingbirds going wild in your stomach. It’s just a glance, a flicker. A moment that seems to hold no significance at all.

Billy can tell she’s not from here. Her outfit says it all. She’s wearing a long flowy skirt and a white tank top and some denim jacket over it that looks like it probably belongs to some boy with a trust fund and a name like Kyle or Charles. In her hair, there’s a clip with a fake flower on it. She looks expensive and fancy and like a piece of work that he’s not willing to put any effort in. He bets the guy beside her, the one that keeps playing with her hair. The one in the polo shirt. That’s probably her boy. His dad owns a boat for sure and probably fucks his secretary.

And even though he pulls his eyes away, he can feel his thoughts drift back towards her. As if some magnetic force tries to keep his mind there, with her. On the way she smiles, or how the wind blows through her hair and makes them looks messy and disorderly and — hot. On how he wants to be the one making a mess of her. He wonders what she feels like, tastes like, sounds like. Even Billy can’t deny he wants her. She’s just his type though something tells him she’s different from his other flings. There’s something deeper in her eyes. A secret he wants to unravel. It’s hidden there and it’s screaming out to him and only him.

As he turns back towards her, he sees her looks straight back at him. With those eyes full of secrets and that smirk on her lips.

Maybe his heart does beat a little faster then. Though he’ll never admit it.

That night he goes to bed and dreams of her and the beach and California.

California summers come with heat but they also come with thunderous storms. Mighty and unforgiving and rough.

Billy makes his way down the roads of Kings Cove, windshield wipers just about dealing with the heavy rainfall as it drums down onto his car window.

“ It’s the wrath of all women scorned and mistreated “ his mother used to say when he was younger and a storm washed over them. He always thought that was silly. Women aren’t thunderstorms, they’re April showers. They’re sunshine on your skin. They’re dewdrops on the lawn.

It’s so dull and gloomy he almost doesn’t see her. Only the peach coloured baseball cap makes her stand out against the grey. She’s slowly walking along the side of the road, unbothered by the downpour. Casual and relaxed as if she’s not getting soaked right this moment. There’s a Slurpee in her hand, blue raspberry.

He wants to drive past and no let himself be bothered with it. This, she, it’s not a mess he needs to get involved in. This can only end in a disaster. Rich boys don’t like you picking up their girlfriends. Rich boys also don’t like you lusting after their girlfriends. And rich boys who see you as a threat can get your ass fired real fucking quick.

And yet he pulls up to the curb and rolls down the window. “ Do you need a ride? “.

She smiles at him, the same way she did that night at the beach in the glow of the bonfire. Her lips are cherry red and for a second he wonders what they taste like. It’s like a primal desire, to taste her. To have her. God, he’s such a guy.

“ Need? No. I’d like one though.”

It’s the first time he hears her voice. It sounds so proper, so innocent. And yet there’s an edge to it. She’s all riddles and mysteries and things he wants to unpack and unravel. Something tells him all the red and the ribbons are only the outermost layer of who she really is. And wouldn’t he like to see more of her?!

“ Get in then,” he instructs with the nudge of his head. A gust of wind follows her as she opens the door and slides into the car. She smells of sunscreen and salt and artificial raspberry flavour. She smells like summer.

“ I’m Billy. “

“ I know. “

That catches him off guard. Sure he knows the locals and some of the kids whose parents he works for but that’s about it. He’s not nearly as prolific as he used to be in Hawkins. He’s a bit more mellow now if he can say so himself.

“ And you are?”

“ (Y/N). (Y/N) (Y/L/N). You tend to our beach house on Tuesdays. I saw you clean our pool the other day”.

That’s news to him. The fact that the (Y/L/N)s have a daughter. He thought it was only her parents alone in that big house in some attempt to rekindle the fire of their marriage. Last year it was only them two, he could swear.

“ Is that so? I could’ve sworn it was just your parents in that house. “

“ Was just them last year, I was in New York City last summer. This time they decided to bring me. Let me enjoy the California sun. “

“ So you enjoying it? “

“ Verdict is still out but I quite like the view yeah. “

The teasing edge in her voice does not get lost on him. If Billy Hargrove is good at one thing, it’s realising when a girl is flirting with him.

“ You watching me then? What does your little boyfriend think about that, huh?”

“ Boyfriend? “ she sounds almost offended at those words, spits it with a certain malice that takes Billy by surprise. “ You mean Dawson? “

Dawson. Of course, that’s his name. Fucking Dawson. Dawson with the swoopy hair and the polo shirt. Dawson with the trust fund. Dawson with the DUI and the state attorney dad. Dawson with the scholarship.

“ Dunno his name.”

“ He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a friend that’s a boy that thinks if he waves around his money I’ll spread my legs for him. As if I don’t have my own money. It’s so unsexy it makes my pussy dry as the Serengeti.”

Billy has to stop himself from pushing the brakes too hard. It’s not something he has expected her to say. Not this outright at least. Something about her brashness and her honesty is truly charming though. It’s endearing for sure.

“ Wearing his jacket though, poor guy thinks he’ll score soon enough.”

“ Eh. Maybe I’ll let him. I’m getting a bit bored. If nothing better comes along— “ she says it casually and shrugs her shoulders but Billy swears there’s an open end to that sentence. Almost like an invitation.

“ Hope pretty boy does it for you then. So — where to? “

She faces him, peach baseball cap on her head and cherry smile on her lips. “ See, the thing is that my parents aren’t home right now and I don’t have a key so … “

“ So...? “

“ Just wanna hang somewhere until they get home tonight. Maybe somewhere dry? “

Everything in him screams at him not to do it. Not to get tangled up in this. He knows, god he knows, this is a bad idea and yet he says it anyway.

“ Do you wanna chill at my place? “

She bites her lips then takes another sip from her Slurpee. “ Yeah, sounds good to me.”

God Billy, you are such a dumbass.

Billy’s apartment is small but he feels more at home here than he ever did in any house he shared with his father.

There’s an open kitchen/living room area, a bathroom and his bedroom. It’s not much but it’s his and that makes all the difference.

“ Well uh — this is my place. “

He almost expects to see some kind of disdain on her face, disappointment too maybe. She’s used to big fancy houses with white shutters and stucco ceilings. Though when he turns to look at her there’s none of it. Just curiosity. No judgment. Not even a tiny spark. Not even at all.

“ It’s nice. Do you uh — I’m soaked. Do you have a shirt or something you could give me?”

It’s now, that he lets his eyes travel down her body, and notices her shirt clinging to her body. She’s not wearing a bra and it’s painfully obvious and he swears he dies in that moment. There’s only so much a guy’s heart can take.

“ Uh. I — mmh.”

As if his body works on autopilot, Billy hurries towards his bedroom and rummages through his closet until he finds a shirt that’s even baggy on him and will surely work for her. God, seeing her in his clothes is gonna give him another little heart attack.

“ Here you g — “ she’s naked. Not completely but her shirt and jeans are gone and all she’s in is a pair of red underwear and no bra and some socks and that damn peach baseball hat.

“ Huh? you never seen a pair of tits before? “

“ No, I have. “

“ Good. “

“ Yeah. Here “

She smirks as Billy hands her the shirt, doesn’t break eye contact. Not even once and she slips if over her head and almost drowns in the fabric. It reaches down to mid-thigh and she looks glorious. Wet hair clinging to her skin, shirt covering everything but just barely. Bily is usually suave and charming and smooth. Why not now? Why not with her? What is it about this girl that she plays his games better than he does it himself.

“ You want something to eat? “

What the fuck, Billy. There’s a half-naked girl in your kitchen and you’re asking her if she wants food? What is going on?!

“ Sure, what’ve you got? “

“ Lemme see — “ Billy says and turns towards the kitchen cabinets and (Y/N) slides up and sits down on the island. Her ass must be flush on the counter and Billy has to stop himself from following that thought any further because that would result in a serious hard-on right now.

“ So I got some Nachos aaand — “ he says and squats down to open a lower cabinet, “ I think there’s guacamole somewh— “

A soft thump interrupts him and, as he realises what’s caused the sound, his heart drops straight down into his pants and his whole body goes hot. Like his entire system is going haywire.

His hand reaches out to take the flimsy red fabric into his hand. Her underwear. This has crossed flirting long ago. This is an obvious invitation and if this was any other girl or any other situation he’d already be balls deep inside her so why not now?

As Billy turns to look at her, the teasing smirk is back, her eyebrow is raised in a way that tells him she’s challenging his next move, and the secrets are back sparkling in her eyes.

“ Oops “ she says though he can tell she’s all but sorry.

“ What are you doing? You have a boyfriend. “

“ Uuuugh ”  (Y/N) moans in annoyance, “ I told you, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a boy who doesn’t get it. I have a lot of boys in a lot of cities who all do not get it. They think because they’re rich and their parents have influence, everyone has to do as they wish. They’re not used to not getting what they want and I like to see ‘em get pissy once they realise they can’t have me. Billy those guys — they are so boring. So dull and if I have to listen to one more lecture about politics or their scholarship or how their daddy helped finance the university’s library I am going to off myself. “

“ So what role do I play in this game? You’re just a rich girl who’s bored with her suitors then, huh? What am I ? “

“ Exciting. You are different. You are you, no ifs or buts. You are your own person not a clone of your wealthy father and his even wealthier father. You are exciting and so. fucking. hot. “

Billy doesn’t notice it happening but suddenly he’s so close he can feel her breath on his skin. She’ so close. So close. All he has to do is reach out and grab her. Touch her. Kiss her. Taste her.

“ Fuck me.”

“ You sure? “ he murmurs, voice low and deep and soothing. “That’s all this is gonna be. Sex and fun and nothing serious. “

“ Just fun. No strings. I’ll leave at the end of the summer anyway. Until then we can — explore. “

“ Explore? “

“ Mmh. There’s so much we can do.“

“ Sounds good to me. “

Billy doesn’t give her time to reply before his lips descend on hers. She doesn’t taste like cherries or chapstick or sugar. She tastes cold and like fake raspberry slushy. Billy thinks it’s his favourite flavour now.

His hands wander up and down her sides and hers get tangled in his curls, combing through his hair and tugging slightly. She’s breathing deep, quick breaths as his lips make their way across her neck and down towards her boobs. He bunches the shirt up and pulls it over her head leaving her naked on his kitchen counter. She’s absolutely fucking breathtaking and his jeans are getting awfully tight around the front.

“ You’re so hot “ he murmurs against her skin as he buries his head in the crook of her neck. Her skin is flushed and there’s a cute red tint to her cheeks. Maybe he was wrong about it on all accounts. Maybe she’s not as innocent as he has first thought.

Her fingers slip down his body and straight into the front of his jeans, grabbing his dick and squeezing his hard on softly. Yeah, she’s definitely not as innocent as he had first thought.

It’s a clash of teeth and a tongues and a lot of saliva. This is messy and raw and rough and he feels like he’s died and gone straight to heaven. With every second, his lips wander a little further down her hot skin, placing kisses one every inch he can reach until he’s kneeling in front of her. Her eyes lock on his as she spreads her legs further letting him see just what he’s been lusting after since the first moment he’s laid eyes on her. He feels like a man starving being presented with an all you can eat buffet.

Their eyes lock as his lips kiss the spot where her abdomen meet her thighs. It’s not where she wants him but it’s enough to make her go fuzzy in the head.

“ I’ll make you forget about all those rich fuckboys, baby.”

And he does. God, he does. As soon as he licks at her clit she can’t recall a single name of any other boy she’s ever met. He devours her like he was born to do nothing but eat a girl out. There’s kisses followed by kitten licks followed by more kisses. It’s driving her crazy, the way he flicks his tongue.

(Y/N) lifts her leg to rest on his shoulder as her hand reaches down burying herself in his hair. The way she tugs, the slight pangs of pain, it’s delicious. Billy can’t get enough of it. He adds a finger, then two, slowly in and out, the faster, then even faster. He knows she’s close by the way she throws her head back, bites her lips. Her lipstick is everywhere, her hair clings to her skin now from sweat instead of rain. She’s a mess and he’s so proud of getting her to this point. He further spreads her lips, lapping up the wetness, sucking at her clit, making her come undone right there on his kitchen counter.

The moans that fall off of her lips are almost pornographic, he wonders if her parents know the kind of activities she gets up to when they’re away. He bets they don’t. She’s a princess at home. Nice and proper. A princess who spends her free time getting fucked by their poolboy.

Billy pulls away at the last minute which (Y/N) really doesn’t enjoy. She pouts at him, gives him a sound of pure dismay. “ Why did you stop? “ she questions, voice breathy, almost incoherent.

“ Cause I wanna feel you cum when I fuck you. “

He’s not usually this bold and brash. Girls like lovely words. They like soft voices and hushed whispers and for boys to say nice things during sex. Not her. She wants the dirt and the mess and the honesty.

(Y/N)’s hand finds its way back to his crotch, pulling down the zipper of his jeans and freeing his solid boner.

“ No boxers? “ there’s a glimmer of mischief playing in her eyes.

“ You complaining? “

“ Fuck no. I’d suck you off but I want you inside me — like right now. “

Billy only nods, before fumbling a condom from his wallet and pulling it down his cock. He shares her sentiment. All he wants to be right now, is inside her.

Rough hands grab her hips and turn her around before pushing her down. Her boobs as flush against the counter, ass on full display. She’s a sight for sore eyes. A masterpiece.

Billy can’t keep his hands off her ass. He has to grab a handful, squeeze it, caress it. There’s boob guys and butt guys and then there are guys like Billy who know that both those features are mutually phenomenal and to limit yourself by choosing one or the other is a move only a fool would make and he ain’t no fool.

Billy lines himself up at her slit. He can’t wait to feel her around him, wet and warm and throbbing and —

“ What are you waiting for? “ she grunts, impatience clear in her voice and she tries to wiggle her ass closer to him.

“ Patience, baby.” Billy instructs as he grabs onto her hips and pulls her even closer. Her skin is so soft, so perfect. There’s a primal desire in leaving his marks of passion there so he leans over and places little love bites on her shoulder. They’ll be easy for her to cover up with a shirt but he’ll know they are there and that’s all that matters to him.

Slowly, painfully slowly, he trails his erection up and down her entrance, coating it in her arousal. He’s really not looking forward to clean this mess later on but right now it’s damn worth it by the way she’s trembling and wiggling underneath him, desperate for some stimulation.

“ Patience is not a word I know, sorry “ she’s so god damn desperate it almost makes him cum before he even gets a fuck in.

“ Yeah me neither. “

With those words he sinks into her and it feels heavenly. Engulfed by her warmth, her wetness, her passion. Quite frankly, he’s convinced, there’s no better place to be in the entire world, than buried in the pussy of a pretty girl.

Billy moves his hips slowly, deliberately, set a rhythm and a pace. He watches his cock disappear inside of her then slide back out in a delicious cadency as he dings his fingers into her hips, surely leaving bruises.

The moans tumbling from her lips are almost pornographic though he can tell they’re real and honest. There’s no reason for her to fake anything. He’s pretty sure she’d set him straight if he was doing something wrong.

“ more. “ she gasps, breath hitching as she pushes back against him, taking him even deeper. This girl is a dream if he’s ever seen one.

Billy speeds up his movements, slamming into her at a faster pace, pounding her against the counter. The air is hot and both of them are so sweaty and the room smells of sex and salty ocean air. God, he loves California summers and pretty girls.

There’s a fire lit in his lower abdomen as she whimpers and arches her back off of the counter. Billy lifts one hand off of her hips and grabs onto her front, caressing her soft tits and pulling her upright so her back is flush against his chest. The sheen of sweat covering them makes it hard to figure out where one of them ends and the other begins. Right then, they are one. Her peach colored baseball cap falls off of her head and onto the floor, where the rest of their clothes lie discarded.

His hand desperately moves across her chest, squeezing and teasing and trailing fingers around her nipples, hard from arousal.

“ Oh fuck yes. “

The confirmation that he’s doing something right, that he’s making her feel good, makes Billy’s ego grow 3 sizes. He’s such a sucker for validation.

He snaps his hips faster, harder, tries to go deeper. His hand grabs onto her thigh and lifts it up so her knee is resting on the counter letting him fuck her at a whole new angle.

At the way she cries out in ecstasy he knows he’S doing something extremely right. “God, right there. “ she almost sobs. Billy’s sure she’s biting her lip so hard it must be close to drawing blood.

Billy buries his head in her messy hair, softly traces kisses and love bites up and down her neck, tugs on her earlobe with his teeth. “ Yeah? Your pussy is a dream, baby. A fucking dream.” he grunts, voice laced with lust.

“ I’m gonna cum, Billy. “

He can tell, by the way she trembles, clenches around him. By the way her breathing hitches. And he’s right there with her.

There’s a fire pulsing through him, shockwaves rippling. It bubbles in his abdomen then boils over. With every snap of his hips the movements get more arrhythmic, messy, uncoordinated, desperate

A bunch of expletives fall from her lips but Billy can hardly make them out as his own orgasm washes over him. It feels like time slows and every sound disappeared into a white static. Nothing matters then but to chase that high and catch it and get some sweet release.

Billy feels her cum around him, squeezing him tightly in the process. The way she moans his name, as if it’s both a secret and a confession to himself and the world, that’s what does it for him.

Grabbing her hips with both hands, he holds her in place, before pounding into her with a few last uncoordinated hard thrusts. And then his vision goes black for a moment and his brain stops functioning as he cums into the condom.

For a moment there’s no sound but them trying to catch their breath as they slump down against the counter, spent from the activities. Sweaty, filthy, messy. But oh so satisfied and content.

Billy pulls out of her and for a second he misses her warm and tight around him. Like he was meant to stay there forever. Fuck, he’s such a guy.

Another heartbeat passes and (Y/N) lets out a melodic but breathless giggle. “ I could go for some Nachos and Guac right now. “

This girl is really something else.

They devour the snacks while lazing on his couch. Naked as they came to this earth, unbothered. Maybe this is what makes him go so absolutely feral about her, the fact that she’s so uncomplicated. Yeah she comes with all kinds of warning signs and bad news for him but being with her like this it’s so easy. Like they’ve been some kinds of friends for a long time.

Their bodies are always touching in one way or another. As if they can’t get enough. Billy’s sitting on the couch, feet resting on the coffee table while her legs are places on his lap, cigarette dangling from her fingers. The air is sticky and humid and even the late afternoon breeze doesn’t bring any cooling-off.

As his eyes fall onto the clock on the wall, Billy lets out a frustrated grunt. “ Fuck.”

“ What’s the matter?”

“ I’m supposed to meet my friend Johnny at the gym in about 10 minutes. Totally forgot about it. “

“ Do you have to go? “

“ I really should. “

“ You’ve had quite the workout today though. “

Billy scoffs a laugh at her words before plucking the cigarette from her fingers and taking a drag. He lets the smoke sit in his chest for a moment, hoping to capture even a bit of the warmth he felt when buried balls deep inside her cunt.

It doesn’t work.

“ He’s waiting for me. “

“ Aw, that’s too bad. “ she says grabs the cigarette back and, after one last drag, then stubs it out in the ashtray resting on the coffee table. “ I was just about to ask for a round two. Guess I’ll have to do it by myself then. That’s fine. “

Her fingers trail down her body, teasing her nipples before descending towards her slit. She slowly circles her clit. Billy is honesty sure she’ll be the death of him. This girl is so sweet yet so dirty and he’s not sure he’s ever met someone like her.

“ You gonna sit there and finger yourself on my couch ? “

“ You gonna sit there and watch and not join in? Come on Billy, I can give you quite the workout. No gym necessary. Do I have to beg? “

Yes. God he wants to hear her beg but that makes him feel a bit — uneasy. He doesn’t want her to think he doesn’t want this just as much as she does. Maybe they can leave the begging for another day.

“ You’re insatiable, huh? “ he asks as he settles himself on top of her, lips colliding with hers ina fiery kiss.

(Y/N) just nods, a satisfied moan slipping from her lips as his fingers nudge her hand away and replace them softly trailing up and down her slit, slipping inside every once in a while.

“ What can I say? It’s a bad habit I just can’t seem to quit.”

Maybe this is a really bad idea. Maybe he’s getting himself into more trouble than he needs right now. But the way she feels and sounds and taste make it worth it.

As the sun sets upon the horizon and the summer storm has long passed on to another coastal town, Billy thinks that it’s so worth it if only he can feel like this for the rest of the summer.

There’s really nothing quite like a California summer and a pretty girl with a dirty mind.

[sleepycoffins-and-benhargreeves]

Let’s talk about Ben becoming Sparrow!Ben / Number one

So, I just watched the end TUA s2 yesterday and it really made me think about Ben (but, then again he’s the only one I usually think about). It’s amazing that in this timeline, HE’S NUMBER ONE. He’s the one with the painting in the main room and he’s basically the leader of the team now.

But how did that happen? Of course the timeline now is different but, what were the reasons that led up to that?

Please bear with me, this will be one long ass meta under the readmore.

I think the main reasons are Klaus and Vanya.

Now let me explain first. Let’s start with Klaus.

Klaus is obviously the closest sibling to Ben. Even when they were young, it had been obvious and basically canon already that they were each other’s best friends within the group of siblings. We even have that one scene where Vanya was destroying the house in s1 and reminiscing horrible memories and her memories were of BEN AND KLAUS TOGETHER in one memory

Also, prob a bit of Horrance because this was taken from a Horrance post. But, please bear with me. I would like to point out, shippy or not shippy that it seems that they were also close enough to want to SHARE A ROOM TOGETHER.

I adjusted the brightness of the picture above and confirmed that yes. THAT IS ANOTHER BED. THERE IS ANOTHER BED IN THIS ROOM SO IT IS NOT A FAR REACH TO THINK THAT BEN AND KLAUS SHARED A ROOM.

And seriously? With how rich their father is you know he would be decent enough to give every child their own room. 

But what I get from this is that not only are they close, but how Ben can also be protective and caring of Klaus. Let’s go back to episode 4 in s1 where Reginald locked him in a mausoleum. From that experience alone, Klaus would’ve been vulnerable, afraid, claustrophobic, and obviously traumatized. He’s Ben’s best friend and most closest sibling. Ben is a softy from what I can see, he cares very deeply and is a concerned person. I wouldn’t even be surprised if he was the one to suggest to Klaus that they start sleeping in one room together.

I think seeing his brother being afraid of the dark and unable to function properly brought out his primal instinct to protect and care. He allowed himself to be emotionally vulnerable in a way that he shows and acts that he cares. In their world, that would have been a big mistake. Showing weakness by letting people know that you care and would get hurt if this person were to be hurt is something that can get used against you. I would not put it past Reginald of slipping that kind of idea into them.

Yes, you protect your siblings because you can die from not defending one another. But why protect them from your own father? Why protect them and care for them? If they’re weak, then that’s good for you because you can climb up higher into Daddy’s ranking and get a better position. But no, Ben let himself care and damned it all for his best friend.

And going back to the pictures above, I know that Vanya sees Ben’s words as a stinging knife to the heart. Reminding her once again that she, out of all the siblings, is the un-special one. But you also have to take in the fact that there is such a thing as tough love. I can imagine young!Vanya looking up to her siblings and asking them about their missions and probably in more than one occasion begging for them to tag her along, just smuggle her out of the house. Let her see and experience what it’s like to be a hero like them.

She comes to Ben and Klaus for that. I think out of all the siblings, Vanya is actually closest to Ben in a way that Ben also sees her as someone to protect. Vanya is their *ehem* “most fragile” *ehem* sibling, the one with “no powers” so he has also been protective of her. I can imagine him trying to befriend and play with her as much as he can, including her in many things because he sees that she’s miserable and always alone.

We can even imagine Ben trying to either train with her and worrying about her at some nights. She lives in a house full of people with superpowers and she’s just ordinary. What if one day, someone attacks them and he wouldn’t be able to protect Vanya? What if one day there will come a time that they can’t defend someone evil and he’s gone? How will Vanya survive? How can he keep Vanya safe and protect her at the same time?

Ben sees Vanya and Klaus as people he has to take care of.

Let’s also not forget the fact that Vanya practically told all of us that Ben was the glue keeping them all together. s1 ep3

Here she tells her readers how distraught everyone was for Ben’s death. And that him dying was basically the last straw, nobody could get along anymore because I think, Ben was their peacemaker.

Yes, we have Luther who is by their vote and their father’s, the “eldest” sibling, but being the eldest doesn’t mean you can be the mediator. He is the stereotype definition of eldest sibling, golden boy with a lot of achievements, always follows their parents, prim and proper, and always initiates things to go into motion.

But, he is not a mediator. He is not someone who can get everyone in line to listen. Yes, he has leader qualities, but not all of them. He is missing the ability to empathizing and include others. I actually wish we saw some flashback interactions with him and Ben, or Luther talking about Ben because I wanna see how their relationship would’ve been. 

The same goes with Five. He is leader material as well (given he’s 58 years old tbh), but he has a hard time with his emotions and empathizing with the others as well.

So all in all, who else has the power to empathize with the others? Who else has that? Allison and Ben.

Allison is someone who I think is very good with people even without her rumour power (as we can see with season two). She and Ben seem to have had a very good relationship too judging from her scene in s1 ep2

I think she and Ben were the mediators within the family. They are the ones who is most often on the neutral side of things, thinking about everything and everyone, the pros and cons, everyone’s feelings, and how they can make a solution that will make less sacrifices.

I think out of everyone, both Allison and Ben are the ones who take care of their sibling in a more emotional way. They allow themselves to show weakness or strength in a sense that, they let their guard down and allow themselves to just care. They also protect their siblings, but with Ben I think it’s deeper. 

In regards to Ben protecting and even sacrificing himself on a deeper level than Allison, I will refer to this post that talked about their numbers. Some were saying that they were numbered backwards, from weakest to strongest, yet at the same time, it was also based on their usefulness for Reginald.

If we go with the usefulness and how well Reginald can manipulate them, then it is also very plausible. Luther is our golden boy who wants to please their father, Diego although denies it still tries hard to be a superhero that their father told them to be, Allison is also very much afraid of their father. Although she loves him even when he was abusive, she still followed him. Klaus being four is because of his fear, he’s very lenient and will somewhat do what their father wants. He wasn’t like Vanya who could blow up the place where he was being kept, so in a way he was easier to manipulate. Five obviously had a mind of his own as well.

So why, pray tell, is Ben number six? How was he immune to being manipulated and used whenever by Reginald?

My answer, Klaus and Vanya.

I think he saw how unfairly they were treated, saw how vulnerable his siblings are, and that was what made him rebel against Reginald. Klaus and Vanya are close to him, they are the siblings he is closest to, so having to see them go through all of those hardships, those trauma, and be so unloved by their father because they could not control their powers or have “no” powers in Vanya’s case.

I think in his own way, Ben stood up for his siblings that’s why his rank/number was demoted to six. He was punished to have a lower number.

I think the reason that the Umbrella siblings were so protective of each other was because Ben rebelled in a way that he saw injustice within their father and did something about it, even if it caused him a way to gain his father’s favor and love.

Now, after that explanation with how Ben became Ben with the Umbrella, let’s go to Number One in Sparrow. I will be calling him One now.

One did not have Klaus and Vanya growing up. I cannot assume yet what their upbringing was like, but with how I just described Ben’s relationships with the others, I think the Sparrows are more cut-throat and independent from one another.

One has become the “eldest” and supreme sibling here. He is the most useful and easily the most powerful as well. One did not die at a young age, so him being able to tap more into the secrets of his powers and being able to hone and improve it is deadly. The fact that Vanya is not here, we could also speculate that One is also the most powerful sibling here right now.

I would also like to reference my own post here on how powerful Ben could have been if he had not died. One has had years of training behind his back to polish his skills. The theory of One being a portal that could easily summon and manipulate monsters from another dimension is too good. He is the living embodiment of OP wherein he is calm, collected, and knows how to control himself and his emotions to not set an apocalypse in motion. That is, only if this theory even has a smidgen of a chance to become canon. Or has some aspects that can become canon.

But anyways, Ben with his stomach and Bentacles is OP enough already.

Going back to One, the idea of his siblings here being more independent and cut throat is a big possibility. I’m not saying that they don��t have a bond or that the Sparrow siblings hate each other. All I’m saying is that they might not have been as affectionate and emotionally open as the Umbrella siblings.

I mean like heck, even Diego, who is our most macho character has a soft side, especially for Ben.

Look how soft they both look here, how Diego hugs Ben and just the all around atmosphere of it. You can feel from this scene alone how important Ben is to Diego.

I don’t think the Sparrow siblings have this kind of connection, hence why One was able to become One. Yes, they probably work better as a unit/team and yes, they will probably be better at using their powers and combining it with their other siblings, they’ve been together for 30 years and did not separate like the Umbrella siblings... But the actual connection of being soft and loving one another? The urge to protect and be vulnerable? I don’t think they have that.

I think, the Sparrow Academy will have more emotions and frustrations bottled up inside of them, than the Umbrella Academy. They’re trained to be tougher. At least, that’s what I’m speculating for now. I could be wrong on this one.

My speculation will be that Sparrow kids will be more independent and have lesser feelings and emotions for the others. Unlike Umbrella who obviously care so much about each other.

All in all, I think Sparrow!Ben/One will be an asshole in season 3 lmao we’re probably going to hate him so much in the first few episodes until we see how fucked up Reginald has raised them.

I look forward seeing how everyone will react to One, I think in the end, he’ll become our Ben one way or another. The Umbrella sibling’s bond is too strong to be severed, even in alternate realities.

But also, it will be such a good bitter tragedy if One loves his Sparrow siblings more and they were raised better because fuckkkkk that would hurt so good lmao

[musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m about to say, you’re allowed to have your own feelings and opinion, this is just my post reflection re-examined take not just as a black fan but as human in general but I hope it gives you a new perspective. I’ve been thinking about this whole situation and wanting to see if there’s something I’m missing because something feels badly wrong and I just can’t shake it. 

I think what genuinely started off as respectful constructive criticism has now become people nitpicking on a whole new level and some people just being flat out hateful. I’m talking DEMONIC level vile and twisting things to fit some messed up agenda they have. To be honest some non black or poc fans seem more upset about this situation than black fans themselves. I feel like this whole thing has now gotten out of hand and taken a lot of focus off the movement that could honestly be a lot better spent.

The class of 2020 video I felt was her just trying to be light hearted and connect with people who yes, many are going through a difficult time, but their graduation was supposed to be a really happy day. She was bullied a lot in school, so graduation must’ve been something she held on to during dark times and looked forward to to give her hope. Then she never got to fulfil the ending she imagined but she celebrated in her own way with her mum who was her rock the whole time in a not so glamorous setting but she was happy. So I think she just wanted to make them feel better and focus on the positives. Which I thought was nice of her. Taylor’s going through her own difficulties also. I didn’t see it as her trying to trivialise what other people may be going through at all. What did you want her to do? I’m pretty sure if she took a focus on the serious issues approach you’d say she’s being too negative or it wouldn’t be right in some other way.

As for the BLM situation, I too wished she’d do more and felt she had so much potential to still do better. I wrote a whole rambly post explaining my feelings. Here’s my original post for reference: https://musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer.tumblr.com/post/620145959803961344/maybe-i-am-stupid-for-feeling-this-hurt-and-its

After taking some time to think about it, I’ve come to some realisations that have given me a new perspective. Do I think that Taylor could still do better? Yes she has lots of potential to improve. But what is better? Who gets to decide what level of better is enough? What I’ve come to realise is though I think a lot of people are genuinely coming from a place of love, we’re holding Taylor to an unfair standard. Before you get all outraged just hear me out.

Like I said in my original post I think most of us feel this is odd and confusing for the same reasons. In any case, I think our special bond with her is the major part of why we’re holding her to this high standard. The fan/celebrity dynamic can be incredibly toxic for both parties. She’s grateful for her fans and goes above and beyond the norm to really make us all feel special and loved, like we’re friends almost. But the truth is, fan love can be very toxic and in reality she’ll never be able to love us back the way we love her or want her to. Not because she doesn’t care enough to but the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible to do so because this relationship is an unnatural one.

Essentially she is one human who is and or does something we like (ie. make music), that we often also attach our own super meaningful significances and emotion to. So it’s more than just what they are/do it’s also what that means to us. We are over a million individual STRANGERS who obsess and sort of stalk her in a socially acceptable way (for the most part) and we love her and believe we’re special to her because she approves and acknowledges and interacts with us as a collective group through posts online and during in person events. But because we also feel that we love her in our own unique way as individuals distinct from the group and have our own ‘love story’ with her, we believe we all have a unique special bond with her. Logically we know we are just a stranger but emotionally I guess deep down we crave that love being reciprocated as an individual. We don’t just want to be loved as a collective, we want to be special to her, we want to let her know how much we love her and have her listen to our thoughts/feelings and essentially feel like her friend and for us to tell us personally she loves and appreciates us back or to praise or validate our displays of love in some way.

Without meaning to we can often put her on a pedestal. She is our perfect idol, queen of whatever safe haven we’ve created in ‘her magical world’ we escape to. We love and defend her. In some cases it almost becomes like borderline worship. We would do anything for her or anything to feel close to her no matter how humiliating or whatever the cost, because it’s for her she is our everything and no one could understand your love, they just don’t get it. Who cares if you look crazy, love is crazy right? We obsessively learn facts about her as a way to feel closer. Or save up for ages just to buy objects she sells or pay to be in her presence for an hour or two. Those who get to meet her report back to the group details which would be viewed as incredibly creepy outside the context of fan/celebrity, like what does she smell like, how long you remember her holding your hand for in seconds, the instant you saw her you fell on the floor overcome with emotion and ugly cried, despite this being your first time ever meeting her, so you are again likely a literal stranger to her, you profess your love and proceed to tell her your deepest darkest and most intimate thoughts, feelings, life traumas and secrets and want her to be completely chill and loving and instantly say something beautiful and profound in response to treasure forever. The group fawn over you when you return, you become a chosen one, the chosen elite are specially selected and invited to her home (the HIGHEST honour) where she shares her work with you before anyone, you then have a secret to keep because she trusts you and loves you.

Human beings cannot form deep intimate friendships with over a million people. It’s just not possible. She will never be our friend friend, but the closest thing we have is her momentarily acknowledging our existence. We know this and so it becomes a competition for her attention. This kind of one sided love and weird relationship dynamic, allows us to more easily tap into the darker sometimes more destructive sides of love; obsession, jealousy, rage, neediness, possessiveness. I’m not saying this to make fun of anyone (trust me, I have humiliated myself in ways as fangirl especially as a teen that continue to haunt me to this day), I just wanted to give you a very literal description of our relationship with her so you’ll understand my point that our relationship is unnatural.

We would say we love Taylor like a friend, but when you’re a fan you don’t really. Not because you don’t know enough about her or she doesn’t talk to you enough but for the very nature of what I explained above, she may mean something to us but to her we are literally strangers. Besides, imagine a good friend of yours right now, imagine doing everything you do for Taylor for your friend. Put pictures of them all over your bedroom wall, frame a tissue they touched, make web pages dedicated to them, wearing clothing with their face on it. Yeah, there’s a high chance they’d get a restraining order against you.

From Taylor’s perspective it must be incredibly strange. She’s said she often feels like she’s in a fish bowl. Well what we essentially do is all smoosh our faces against the glass and repeatedly tap it to get the attention of the pretty fish (Taylor). Every time it comes out of the little castle in the bowl, the frenzy begins. Could you imagine what it must feel like to be her? All that attention? All those people pinning all their expectations hopes and dreams on you. Thousands of people making you their sanctuary and safety comforter so if you did something to loose them their worlds would come crashing down. That’s an insane amount of pressure. It must be genuinely terrifying. 

Taylor said she struggles with wanting to keep everybody happy and giving too much of herself to do so, she’s a perfectionist and hates letting people down or she beats herself up about it. I know she loves what she does, but at the same time it must be so exhausting and really drain you. She must read lots of really happy & silly posts, but then some might be people sharing really emotional things about a very difficult and dark time they’re going through, though we mean well when we share it, it must be really hard knowing that you can’t help them. I don’t even want to imagine the vile hate that she reads, because imagine how one hate comment makes us feel but she gets hundreds and sometimes it’s on magazines at the store so it follows her everywhere. She can’t even go outside to do regular human things without the risk of getting mobbed or just knowing everyone’s staring at her and watching her every move. Look how we all hate being trapped at home because everywhere we go outside is dangerous due to COVID-19. It’s a huge amount to take in and process emotionally.

Sometimes I think she research’s people before she meets them, not just because she cares, but for her own sanity and to make it less strange. So the interaction can be more normal. She seems to really like reading people just talking about their ordinary life, day to day things because her life is far from normal. But she meets us like a conveyer belt, people that she makes a connection with and then they get taken away and she’ll never get to meet them again. When she wants to see someone again, people get upset because why aren’t they getting a chance to get picked or that person had already met her, but they don’t think about how Taylor feels because maybe she likes that person and wants to talk to them again. We think her life is incredibly privileged and yes she’s incredibly smart and knows how to handle her career but in reality in a lot of ways it must be so maddening, sad and lonely because human beings were not designed to live this way. “And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, ‘cause you don’t feel pretty you just feel used.”

It’s okay to be a fan of someone or look up to them or connect and find meaning with them and their work. As long as it’s done in a healthy way. We need to really work on that or we’re really going to hurt her more than we have. For Taylor to live the life she does, you have to develop really thick skin or turn to things to just numb everything, I see how celebrities end up with addiction problems or suddenly acting out because they can’t cope anymore. You have to learn to shut it out to survive. We made her our comfort blanket that we’d find it hard to live without. So we want her to behave in a way that we approve, not just because we want her to be her best self but also because we struggle to think how we’d cope without her. But we have to remember she’s human just like us. She’s going to make mistakes, not always be her best self, have bad days. Just because she might have more money or more people that know her doesn’t make her magically stop being human. She goes through life like everyone else. It’s healthy to give her constructive criticism but we have to watch the tone in which we say things. I’m not saying we baby her but we have to remember unnatural dynamic we have. It’s not just a few posts, it ends up being thunderously loud because it’s thousands or more than a million people saying the same thing. Social media makes you forget you’re talking to a human being because you can’t see their face or their reaction to how your words are impacting them. Sometimes you can’t shut it out and to her it must feel like a million people are suddenly very angry or disappointed with you and are going to take their love away. Because I guess in a way she becomes attached to us also. You don’t stop caring no matter what people say, you’re human. Remember how it feels when one person you love is disappointed or angry with you. Now amplify that. Mentally that’s...wow. I feel so so bad for her because I honestly don’t know how she copes and does this so well. This could all really send someone over the edge and we’ve seen it happen. We’ve gotten a tiny glimpse into how badly it can affect her. I’m glad she has an amazing family, Joe and true friends who are there for her but God only how she copes behind closed doors.

This fandom sometimes reaches an ugly level of entitlement because the truth is she has spoiled us. We expect things that we shouldn’t expect because she gives us more attention and puts more effort into making all of us feel special than we deserve. I can’t believe after everything she’s ever done, people would think it was all a lie. Mess up one time and everything you did was fake? People who are fake mess up, especially when things aren’t going their way or to plan and they snap and reveal what they’re really like. She’s been through so many trials time and time again and proven her character. Come on, we know who she is. Like all humans she might not be perfect but she is truly good person and she has a good heart and a pure beautiful soul. She’d have to be an insanely good actress and dedicate a huge amount of time to planning all of these lies. You guys have met her, you’ve seen how good she is at connecting with people instantly. She’s warm and loving and even the cats love her as much as she loves them. For someone who has so much money, she seems to enjoy the simple things in life the most and making everyone happy and she’s so humble. I think a lot of that is also in part to the people around her who keep her grounded. 

Anyhow, that black and white thinking of you are either all good or you’re all bad, is so immature and dangerous, because people are more complicated than that because we’re not simply one thing. Which one of us is a perfect person that has never made a mistake or let people down? Ever made a resolution that you stuck to or you needed more time to work on, or were just unsure how to begin or feel overwhelmed? Exactly. I know a lot of us came from a place of love, we don’t hate her at all we just wanted her to do better. And we’ve come up with all kinds of conspiracies of why she doesn’t want to post more because we feel that this doesn’t match the Taylor that we know in our hearts that she is. 

We need to stop judging and shaming each other. Virtue signalling for the sake of looking woke and outrage culture needs to end because it honestly does more harm than good. I’ve seen it become like dangerous mob behaviour and people get hurt. We all learn at our own pace and handle things in our own way and prefer helping in our own preferred ways. Don’t always assume the worst about people. Like I said, social media isn’t the be all and end of everything. Just because you don’t post about it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You could be doing lots of things offline to help that could be really impactful. Often times these can have huge meaningful long term impact, because we literally don’t live inside the internet. Humans connecting with each other in the real world as nature intended us to be is actually super important. I think a lot of problems could be resolved by people logging off the internet and talking to each other in person; people say things behind a screen that they wouldn’t in real life or may regret because it’s easier to not access empathy and not view the person you’re talking to as human this way. It’s good to take your own time to properly think about things before you just open your mouth. Besides everyone starts somewhere. 

There’s lots of really graphic stuff online at the moment and even I had to take a break. Someone not being black doesn’t mean they don’t need to care for their mental health or don’t get affected. The virus has been really hard on a lot of us in many ways, it can infect anyone and honestly all the panic and doom and uncertainty starts to really get to you after a while and sometime’s you just have to disconnect. Her mother is very vulnerable and Taylor is a human with feelings. You have to fill up your own cup before you can pour into other people’s. We need to be kinder to each other, you never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are. It might not always be safe for someone to speak out publicly, it’s often more complicated than we think. We know white supremacist groups have made Taylor a focus before, maybe her recent activity could make her a target and put her in a lot danger. I pray not and that she and everyone she loves is safe. 

We have to remember to try and have empathy for her and not look at her as just Taylor with the huge fan base, but Taylor the human being. We all have our flaws. Her mother is really gravely ill. I know lots of you will be like so? that’s not an excuse. But I think we all need to examine who we’ve allowed ourselves to become because that’s such a gross attitude and we’re not being fair with her. Her mum is her best friend and the most important person who comforts her and is her source of security and stability. She means so much to her, she’s her mum. We too should care about her mum because she’s been such an angel to us as fans and is a pure bright light in this world. Remember soon you’ll get better? That broke my heart. God only knows how Taylor is coping with all of that, the scrutiny of fame, the pandemic and whatever threats she could have received. If you’ve ever had someone you love go through something like this, you know how hard it can be, how helpless you can feel and how your head might not always be in the right space. Every second with them is precious because things genuinely change in an instant and you could suddenly lose them. Imagine your own darkest moment. Maybe given her circumstances that’s the best she can do right now. It’s not our place to judge her. 

Why can’t she get her team to simply post for her? I imagine she’d rather do it and select things herself given the sensitive important nature of this cause (it’s not like merch promo) or else we’d then start to question everything else. She would make headlines for anything she did. It would draw attention to her and could put her family in more danger. Remember how her dad was so afraid for her? Well I don’t think any added stress is what her family needs with her sick mother in the midst of a global pandemic. When does Taylor get a break from everyone and just get a second to look after herself? We can wish but we cannot demand that she come and explain to console us. We are not her responsibility. 

I’ve noticed she’s been different the past few months. She doesn’t look like herself in the pictures she’s posted, she just looks blank and this whole situation has felt very off and I’ve really worried something was wrong. Watching that class 2020 video Idk you might think I’m crazy but it genuinely sounded like she was holding in tears and she looked sad. Like she was somewhere else when she was talking but forcing herself to look happy. Just because she may look like she’s holding it together doesn’t mean she actually is. My heart is broken for her and I pray for her and her loved ones. Go back and watch it yourself. 

We all need to really reflect and deeply think about how our actions can affect others and take a long hard look at the people we have become and ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be, myself included. You can still have your own feelings and opinions on this situation but I really hope this helps you see a new perspective. We have to remember there are multiple injustices and hardships going on all over the world at once. We need to check our pride and our egos and humble ourselves. Be less judgmental and more empathetic. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. 

Taylor if you’re reading this (I know the chances are teensy), I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well. I love you so so much and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers 💖