#the burnout from school probably isn't helping

[mins-fins]

orbit of yours !

"power couple, really?" "you have to listen to me!"

synopsis: park jisung has always admired you. hardworking, effortlessly beautiful, talented, humble— you're pretty much the personification of the word 'perfect' (you would disagree though), but your relationship has never gotten past "admirers that occasionally exchange words", so jisung has vanquished the idea of possibly being in love with you because of your lack of interactions, he's just an avid admirer of yours! so when a few accidents and mishaps force (more like drive) the two of you to be in the same room more than you ever had in the past, the idea doesn't just remain a random fantasy crafted by jisung's mind, it becomes reality.

pairing: park jisung x male!reader

genre: high school au, acquaintances to friends to lovers, photographer!reader x soccer player!jisung, fluff, kinda comedy (im not funny), mutual pining, literally no angst, fast burn lowkey, sungchan helps reader realize his feelings and it's hilarious

warnings: swearing, mentions of burnout, oblivious bitches deny their feelings for a good 10k words, this is fucking cheesy, the nightmare which is senior year

word count: 12.2k

notes: GOOD LORD IT IS FINALLY DONE! i don't wanna be overdramatic or anything but this is genuinely one of my most favorite works ever, if you couldn't tell i am VERY jisung biased and im so happy to finally be done with this because it's honestly been so fun to write 🙁 i didn't beat the xiaojun fic in terms of words but this the second longest fic i have ever written and for my jisung debut its impressive that there is absolutely NO ANGST here, i'm just very proud of myself for this and i hope people like reading it as much as i enjoyed writing it.. this is for all the park jisung lovers 👍

"WHEN WILL YOU ACTUALLY GET A PARTNER?" chenle asks the question so many times that jisung assumes the sentence has been programmed into his brain. what is it— like the 3rd time this week? he thinks chenle might be more obsessed with his love life than he is with actual important things, like college, graduation preparations, his role as a member of the student council, anything but jisung's uneventful love life, because that was probably the least interesting thing going on in his own life at the moment. "come on jisungie! i heard aejung has a crush on you!" he lets out a familiar groan, giving his friends a 'cut it out' look. "i don't really care about that kind of stuff.."

he hears all the frustrated sighs from his friends, and jisung just chuckles. he knows about the many surprisingly many— people who find themselves attracted to him. he acknowledges the fact that he has a lot of admirers, that a lot of people would perceive themselves as lucky to be in a relationship with him, he isn't new to the idea at all, he doesn't really get what makes him so attractive, such an eyeopener to his fellow students, but he mostly accepts the gifts given to him by his so called "admirers" nonetheless, not wanting to make them disappointed.

now, he says mostly because there are just times where he has no choice but to turn them down. some people get into their own heads too much, and he doesn't want to give some of them false hopes by accepting their gifts. that happened once, where a girl thought the two of them were dating because he decided to accept her gift as a sign of appreciation, that's when jisung learned that he couldn't just accept any and all gifts given to him by admirers who so greatly wanted a chance with him. jisung isn't so concerned about gifts, he wants a person who will be psychically and emotionally present for him, not someone who'll just buy him random things.

"it's gotten a little annoying.. all the confessions" jisung mutters, closing the textbook he had been jotting in. "they're nice yeah but some people just take it too far" he finally finishes, earning some confused looks from his friends. he just shrugs, shoving the textbook he had previously been jotting in into his backpack.

"but you're just so boring!" chenle whines, pressing his cheek against jisung's shoulder. jisung doesn't even try shaking him off, knowing that any of his attempts will be useless. "come on! all these people who would love to be with you and your still a lonely little loser!"

"loser? oh come on!"

"you know i'm right!"

jisung scoffs, lightly shoving chenle. while yeah, it's nice to have a lot of people admire him, everyone expects him to do this and that and act a certain way. it's like they enjoy perpetuating a false image onto him rather than actually admiring him for who he really is, and jisung doesn't think he should give people like that the time of day, they piss him off more than anything.

he's a little lost in his thought when a familiar voice sounds in his ears, a couple of giggles following the sound. "you're too funny y/n!" one of them shouted, poking a familiar figure in the shoulder, and jisung's eyes fall on you immediately, as if on instinct. you were looking as you always did, a familiar dslr camera hanging from your neck, that polite smile on your face as your friend continues poking your shoulder.

lately, you'd been quite the topic of interest among your fellow schoolmates. now that's not abnormal at all, you somehow always manage to be the talk of the town in school, you could do the smallest thing and somehow people could still make huge talk about it.

jisung would never say it, not out loud or even in mutters to himself, but he's always held a unique admiration for you, one he doesn't think he could actually put into words. there's something about you that pulls jisung in, like your a magnet and he's an oblivious piece of metal, slowly getting closer and closer to you without being able to do anything about it.

everything about you is beautiful. your eyes are a beautiful brown color, your smile is a beautiful stretch that shows off your perfect white teeth, your hair is a beautiful mix of raven and brunette. oh, and your voice is so beautiful too, it's so soft, gentle, but also deep.

you're like an angel.

at least to jisung you are.

it's pretty funny, actually, your so wrapped up in your own things that you barely notice the sheer amount of people who want to date you. you don't acknowledge romantic advances a lot, and even when you do, it always ends in rejection. you talk a lot, and your words are always pure and witty, your laughter is natural, your smile is contagious.

but.. jisung doesn't like you. he only likes you in the friend kinda way, he just wants to be friends with you. you look nice! smell nice, dress nice, speak nice..

jisung knows a lot more about you than his friends do. despite the fact that the two of you have never officially deemed yourselves "friends", he's always known little facts about you, as you him. the two of you have been going to school together for seven years, so the idea of not knowing anything about each other seems ridiculous.

you're a photographer, your favorite color is blue, specifically lighter shades, your favorite subject is history, your lucky number is 2 because of your birthdate being 02/02/02, your favorite flowers are daisies, you don't really enjoy sports, but if you were to choose one to play, it'd be baseball, and you want to go to college for journalism.

but jisung can't say that he likes you, because even if you two know all these things about each other, you've never considered yourselves "friends", all you do is admire from afar—

and when you do interact, it's just short and sweet sentences exchanged between you two, mostly because the both of you are so busy, that you can't afford to just stop and talk. sometimes, jisung wishes his life was just a little less hectic and he could stop and talk to you, because that's what he wants to do.

"what's with you?" jisung immediately yelps as chenle flicks his forehead, and he resists the urge to punch the older in the face. "gawking at y/n? really?"

"i'm not—" jisung hates that he feels his face burn. "i'm not gawking, i'm just.. i was just looking at him".

"looking at him with hearts in your eyes".

jisung scoffs at chenle's audacity, as if he wasn't doing exactly that a good few minutes ago. he would never admit it out loud before, so why should he admit it now? he'd never live it down if anybody ever found out..

"you know.." chenle begins, tapping his finger onto the desk in front of him. "you two would be a great couple" and the words are enough to make jisung roll his eyes once again. "a power couple!"

"power couple, really?" jisung raises an eyebrow, chenle never fails to say something that confuses him. he finds the words to be ridiculous, but his reaction just seems to make chenle even more giddy, because he continues;

"you have to listen to me!" chenle persists, and jisung is about to check out of the conversation completely.

"y/n is a photographer for sports journalism, you play soccer, you've known each for what.. ever? he's pretty, you clearly have the hots for him—"

"i do not!" jisung immediately yells in rebuttal, much louder than he wanted to. "yeah he's.. cute but anyone with eyes can see that, i'm not in love with him or anything".

chenle raises an eyebrow, suspicious, but jisung remains stubborn, crossing his arms as he averts his gaze from his best friend.

yes, you are cute, anybody with two functioning eyes can see that.

"i think park jisung might have a crush on you".

at the words, you look up from your camera, meeting eyes with your close friend, sungchan. you blink, as if dumbfounded, then snicker. "park jisung? are you trying to boost my ego or something?"

you know park jisung, you know about how probably half the students in this room dream of having a chance with him. so many people like park jisung, so many people want park jisung.

and if you think about it, you can't exactly blame them for that..

"don't laugh! i'm serious! he looked like he was about to devour you, did you see his eyes!?"

the words just get another laugh out of you, the words seem ridiculous in your eyes, because why would park jisung, beautiful, talented, striking park jisung have a crush on you? in your eyes, your pretty much nothing to him.

"okay.. why would park jisung ever be interested in me?" you ask, rearranging your camera as you raise an eyebrow at sungchan, who simply deadpans at you, that familiar 'are you serious?' look in his eyes.

"okay let me see, your smart, pretty, everyone likes you at this point, also— the two of you are pretty much perfect for each other! you'd be a power couple!"

you furrow your eyebrows, a power couple? you'd never heard that phrase used to talk about somebody your friends had been "shipping" you with, your not even sure if you can even consider yourself friends with jisung, because the two of you can never actually talk to each other without someone coming up and interrupting the interaction.

you'd love to just be able to talk to park jisung, just the two of you, one on one.

"power couple? that's funny.."

"you think everything is funny" ironically, you laugh at your friends words. "this could be like— your only chance at having an actual romantic connection with someone".

"i don't care that much about romance, chan" you muse, humming as you turn off your camera. your eyes wander over to jisung, who is very much distracted by something stupid chenle is saying, he's laughing about something, laughing hard too.

there is no reason for him to look so pretty as he laughs like a maniac..

he's cute, you say in your mind, he is absolutely adorable.

"WHAT DID YOU GUYS GET ON THAT STATISTICS TEST FOR SONG?" a boy from the same year and member of the soccer team along with jisung inquired. they sat on the bleachers in front of field, watching as the baton club practices. they have to practice this week, unfortunately, so jisung's schedule had become tight and packed, he barely had any free time these days, it was all exams, college tours, last minute extracurriculars, and practice, practice, practice. "i got a b plus" one of his classmates responds, the other responded; "i got a b on mine". jisung was very far removed from the current conversation, his eyes on a familiar trio of sports journalists on the other side of the field, a trio which included you, mesmerizing you. he sees you often these days, with that same dslr camera around your neck, a pretty smile stuck on your face.

"you, jisung! what score did you get?" one of his classmates asks, but jisung was occupied, so he didn't answer. a tap on his shoulder makes jisung snap out of his staring fit, and he blinks a few times, assessing where he is. "what?"

"we were asking about the marks on the recent statistics test!"

"ah" jisung presses his lips together. "i got an a plus" he says the words casually, but it causes for a cheer to be sounded by his fellow classmates, who shook him and slapped his back supportively.

"you're so smart jisungie!"

the praise from his classmates get a smile out of jisung, but he isn't focusing on that, his attention is on you. even with how your across the field, he can clearly see all of your features, the sun shining on your face makes you look majestic, like an actual angel, jisung isn't sure why he's even focusing so much on your face, but he can't focus on anything else, because his eyes just naturally always wander over to you.

"will this ever finish?" you inquire, pertaining to the baton club, who were still on the field even after they were supposed to get off. "i'm supposed to take photos of the soccer players for my editorials.." you mutter, it'd be horrible if you couldn't even deliver on the promise you made to your superiors.

"they're probably going to split the field" your fellow sports journalist, taehyun says. a small groan escapes your lips, you're annoyed, you hope this doesn't interfere with the photos you have to take, it'd be horrible if you just ended up doing the same thing all over again. "see? baton club is taking one side and the soccer team takes the main area because they need to start practicing now".

"they look so cute! i've always wanted to be apart of the soccer team!" lee sohee exclaims, and you turn towards him, a look of interest on your face. he attentively watches the boys, humming to the song that's playing. "why didn't you join them then?" you inquire, interest peaked.

sohee smiles at you, readjusting his camera and fixing his posture. "i enjoyed writing the editorial articles more" he shrugs. "wanted to try out but i missed the tryouts because eunseok hyung would have killed me if i missed anton's recital" at the words, you laugh, used to the behavior from the older boy.

"maybe next year".

"you'd fit in perfectly!" taehyun muses, and sohee brightens up, seemingly loving the words.

"really!? that's what seunghan tells me too!" he cheers at the words, looking proud of himself. "i'd look cute in that uniform though.."

you chuckle at sohee's word, finding him to be absolutely adorable. "yeah, you definitely would" you ruffle his hair, smiling at the giggle which sounds from the boy.

"i'm gonna go get a closer look at them" you say, motioning towards the soccer team. taehyun nods and watches as you get closer to the field, not super close, but close enough that your camera can capture a good view of the soccer team. you narrow your eyes, pointing your camera at the busy boys who are doing their usual routine, the viewfinder shows jisung in all his glory.

you take pictures, zooming in and out. you don't mean to put all the focus on jisung, he's just too alluring to not be the center of attention. he's such a natural, he's just so amazing, you can't not focus on him.

[click.]

and another shot, another one as jisung scores the goal. jisung's posture was perfect, his back straight, chin high as he wore an angelic smile. jisung hears the clicking of the camera, and looks to his left to see you, in the viewfinder you see jisung looking in your direction, you pause for a moment and notice a baton heading straight towards him.

"jisung watch out!" you yell, at the words, he tilts his head.

you quickly take the strap of the camera off your neck, throwing it until it landed right beside your fellow journalists, who looked as confused as jisung did. you ran as fast as you could, grabbing jisung's wrist and pulling him close to you.

the baton managed to hit the ground instead, and jisung shrieks as he loses his balance, toppling forward. he quickly grabs onto the closest thing to him.

you.

you lowered your arms to catch jisung, and you feel him hold onto the sleeves of your blazer, one of your arms on his stomach, the other on his waist. all his weight was in your arms, causing for you to lose balance too.

"shit—" you swear, falling onto your back. jisung fell on top of you, the grass tickling his skin. your back immediately hits the grass, and your head hits the ground softly, but your arms remain around jisung. jisung's hands were still on your arms, his upper body laid on top of yours, his head was buried into your shoulder, and he was sat in between your legs.

jisung takes a sharp breath, a look of worry quickly flashes in his eyes as he sees you. "holy shit y/n are you okay!?" jisung asks, pulling away from your prior position and you sit up, opening your eyes to meet his worried ones. jisung kneels, leaning closer to you as he cups your cheeks with his hands. "did you get hurt? is your head okay!?" he asks, or yells, turning your head to inspect for any signs of wounds. you just stare at him, his bangs that messily lay against his forehead, his eyes that glimmered under the sunlight, and his pink lips that you totally just want to lean over and touch with your own.

"yeah.." you whisper, your cheeks squished from the force of jisung's hands.

jisung stops turning your head and sighs. "are you sure?" he asks, still holding your face. you nod, placing one of your hands on jisung's, his are soft, yours are rough, you note. you move his hand and smile. "i'm alright don't worry" you respond, still holding jisung's hand. jisung pursues his lips, and he extends his hand out, pulling you up from the ground. you let go of his hand, dusting off your pants.

"jesus y/n" taehyun's voice sounds from behind you, and you finally glance away from jisung, eyes focused on your friend. "are you okay? your not injured are you?"

"i'm fine.." you mumble again, blinking as taehyun suddenly hands you your camera. ah, he'd picked it up for you. you take it, inspecting it to make sure it's not broken.

"is the camera okay?" jisung inquires, looking over your shoulder to stare at it.

luckily, it wasn't damaged because it had fallen on the soft grass. "it's still working" you respond, and the two boys beside you let out a sigh of relief, with taehyun placing a hand on his chest.

"jisung! come back here!" his coach quickly yells, jisung looks to you, then back to his teammates. "thanks, i owe you" he says before running back towards his group, fetching the soccer ball he'd left on the ground prior.

"wow your like a hero!" sohee exclaims, shaking your shoulder with a smile. you just let out a nervous laugh, scratching your arm. you give one last glance at jisung before you feel your face heat up excessively, so you quickly turn away, putting your camera back around your neck.

"we should go back in now" you say, you don't say any more words as you quickly make your way towards the doors. your friends blink, exchanging glances in confusion, but they quickly follow you back inside.

"y/n! wait up!"

jisung watches you three leave, feeling his heart racing against his chest.

what the hell just happened? he asks himself.

"jisung are you okay!?" a very familiar voice shrieks. jisung turns to meet his fellow teammate jooyeon, looking concerned as ever.

"i'm alright, thanks for asking" he answers, gaze lowering down to his nails, which he quickly starts picking.

"are you sure? you looked like you hit your head pretty hard" the younger boy, as always, just wants to make sure jisung isn't lying, he's genuine like that. he pokes jisung's forehead, as if he was inspecting him.

"seriously, i'm fine" jisung lowers his hand, giving him his default 'i'm okay' smile. "y/n cushioned the blow anyway.."

"you were so close to him!" jisung startles as keum donghyun comes out of nowhere. "how did it feel? was it like a dream come true?"

"i—" jisung is speechless, he closes his mouth and blinks a good seven times before even actually assessing the question.

how did it feel?

jisung doesn't know how to express it. he didn't want to think about it in that way because you'd just done such a good deed, you saved him from flying metal going straight towards his head, he shouldn't have been thinking about the lack of distance between you two, he shouldn't have been staring at your lips, and he shouldn't have been thinking about kissing you.

his face must be so unbearably red right now.

"don't ask that! it was just very abrupt.. also, i can't think of him like that! he saved me from a flying baton, i'm just grateful for him".

jooyeon hums in agreement, slapping donghyun's shoulder for him ever asking such a thing. "that's right, you should probably get him a token of appreciation or something".

jisung blinks, trying to imagine what he should ever gift you. he truly has no idea, he's not sure if he should go over and beyond, or just give you a little gift as to not intimidate you. "i can't really think of anything, i don't want to overwhelm him or something, he just wanted to do a nice thing.."

"i'm sure he'll be appreciative of anything!"

at the words, jisung just sighs, smiling.

what a hero, l/n y/n— you really are something, he thinks.

"yeah— i'll think about it".

"good! back to practice now!"

jisung doesn't think he will ever fully be able to focus on practice, though.

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE BEEN RAN OVER BY A TRAIN" the words from the older boy, yang jeongin, snap you out of your polaroid staring daze. you flinch just the slightest, eyes peeling away from the scattering pictures which litter your desk. you rub your eyes, clearing your throat as you quickly gather all of the photos on your desk, hoping the eye bags present on your face weren't completely obvious. knowing jeongin though, they were definitely obvious. "thanks for the kind words" you respond sarcastically, a small eye roll accompanying your words. the older boy snickers, situating himself beside you, a teasing smile on his face. he props his legs up, blinking at you. "seriously though, you look like you haven't slept in years, are you alright?"

"i'm as alright as someone looking to pursue journalism can be.." you mutter back, placing the photos which were previously on your desk into your backup, a small sigh escapes your lips. "all of my applications are still pending.."

"seriously? i assume you would've been accepted into any of those schools by now!"

"you know how it all goes, they get hundreds— heck, thousands of applications every day, i just have to be patient".

jeongin raises an eyebrow, then just shrugs at you, humming. "there's no need to worry, y/n, you'll get into a good school".

you chuckle at his words, he totally read your mind when it came to that. "i'm not worried about anything" you lie; "i'll be okay, i know".

but do you?

your absolutely tired the whole entire day, you tried your best to focus in your classes, but you couldn't help your head slipping down and the way you almost slipped off to dreamland whilst your teachers were asking you very much audible questions.

"did you sleep last night?" sungchan asks you in the middle of your afternoon break, poking your arm as if to wake up. "you look like a zombie.."

"i slept a few.. hours?" your tone is very much a questioning one, as if you didn't even believe your own words. "i don't know, i was too busy fighting with lin, apparently i'm not good enough at what i do to consider journalism".

paired with the lack of response to your several applications, you weren't having the best week, it was all becoming just a little too much for you.

graduation is just too far away..

"anyway! did you choose the photos you'll put in the editorial yet?"

you think, for a while. you felt as if you had stared at so many polaroids by this point, that they're probably going to start appearing in your dreams, with the lack of sleep, constant flashing of cameras and just news news news, you've really had no time to focus on other things.

"i haven't even found time to think about the editorial" you whine, a weary sigh escaping your lips as you think about how pissed off your higher up is gonna be if you almost miss the deadline once again. "is the deadline coming up?"

"well— is four days a close deadline for you?"

you gasp, loudly, almost throwing your camera across the hallway. "four days!? four days until the deadline seriously!?"

you usually aren't like this. you are usually very calm, cool, and collected, but your week has been just the definition of a shit storm, and everything just seems getting worse and worse.

"hey, it's okay!" sungchan immediately replies, hoping to reassure you. he places a hand on your shoulder, a smile coming to his face. "it's not like this is anything new, it'll all be fine, you only have to choose two pictures anyway".

you sigh, rubbing your temples. "yeah" you breath. "it'll be fine, fine" you repeat, nodding your head as you relax yourself.

the hallway is crowded, not crowded crowded, but crowded enough that you couldn't help but begin counting the heads around you.

your eyes get stuck on a familiar figure across the hall.

park jisung, smiling and laughing with his friends. you get lost in a trance of admiring him, even though you can clearly hear sungchan talking to you. all your attention is immediately on him, and a small smile spreads across your face as you observe him, being himself.

there is absolutely no reason for him to be so breathtaking while just talking with his friend!

you are so distracted, and you don't mean to get stuck in this little reverie as you stare at the boy that you totally do not have a crush on.

he hasn't really left your mind, instead of just floating around in there like he'd been before that whole prior incident, now he occupies a whole subsection of your mind in recent days. you could be with your other friends, and all of a sudden your mind would wander off to jisung, or you could be in class and he just pops into your head.

you never thought you'd be one to get distracted easily, but you've clearly been proven wrong by just the alluring aura of park jisung.

you startle when jisung turns your way, making eye contact with you. he smiles upon noticing you, his eyes practically lighting up, and he waves at you. your a little taken aback, but jisung doesn't wait to see you wave back, just turning back towards his friend and continuing his previous conversation.

"what was that?"

"what was what?"

you quickly look over at sungchan, who had just witnessed that whole entire scene. he looks at you like you just grew a second head, and your face begins to burn as the realization dawns on you.

"you and park jisung!?"

your quick to try and sputter out a response, but you shake your head, face excessively heating up, it's probably red at this very moment. "there is nothing going on between us!"

"that doesn't seem like nothing!"

you realize how guilty you look right now. with your red face and constant insistence that there is absolutely nothing going on, those are traits the guiltiest of people display, and it all just makes you look even more guilty with how your face gets even more red.

(you must look like you're dying right now).

"it's just a friendly exchange!"

"not while your looking at him with hearts in your eyes!"

he was completely calling you out, and he was right. you were staring at jisung like he was an angel that had graced your presence, you stare at him like he's a saint and everyone else doesn't matter, as if he's the only person in the room. "i— i wasn't! i was just zoned out and he just waved at me to say hi!"

sungchan narrows his eyes suspiciously at you, totally not buying it. "uh huh, sure" his voice conveys disbelief. "just know, i'm onto you y/n".

you nudge him in the shoulder, seriously wanting to change the topic. "yeah yeah whatever" you cross your arms as you mutter the words, you're sure if you take one more glance at jisung, you won't be able to look away, so you just clear your throat and walk the other way, face still red as sungchan teases you the whole entire time.

maybe if you glanced back, you'd see jisung watching as you left..

JISUNG WAS REALLY HOPING HE'D BE ABLE TO catch you before school dismissed. you two haven't genuinely had an actual talk since you saved him from the flying baton heading straight towards his head. all you two have done is give smiles, waves, and mutter small greetings to each other in the hallway. he had to admit, it upset him in just the slightest, because he really did want to just have a conversation with you (of course, he isn't exactly sure he'd be able to get through a conversation with you without blushing like a madman anyway), but your schedules just kept conflicting, so even catching a glimpse of you around the campus has become difficult for him to do.

he doesn't want to waste any opportunity he has in his hands—

"y/n!"

when jisung sees you across the hall, he realizes that he shouldn't take this chance for granted. you turn around at the call of your name, smiling as you see the others making his way towards you. jisung runs a hand through his hair, hoping he isn't making anything awkward. "jisung hi, do you need something?"

you smile politely at him, a smile so beautiful it seems like it could get rid of all the problems in the world. jisung loves your smile, he could stare at it for hours, is that creepy? he hopes it's not creepy..

"oh uh—" the words he'd been planning to say somehow get caught in his throat, but he clears his throat and proceeds. "i was wondering if i could walk you home?"

you blink, puzzled by the question. why would he want to walk you home? your mind begins to wander, trying to figure out why he'd want to do such a thing.

can't you just ask y/n? stop being an idiot..

"why?"

you don't mean for your words to come out that way, and you're almost afraid that you made jisung uncomfortable with your tone of voice, but he instead just smiles, squashing any of your bad thoughts. you love jisung's smile, you think it's underrated, so little people talk about it and the fact shocks you, you could probably compliment his smile for hours—

but that sounds just a little creepy.

"i just want to accompany you—" —and this is my only excuse to be around you— "do something nice for you after you did something nice for me".

the words make you pause. he's just.. so thoughtful huh? you've never heard of someone wanting to repay you for being nice, it's actually a little strange if you think about it.

"jisung you don't have to reward me for doing something nice.."

"it'd be great to walk with you, though, you make good company".

that's it? that's really it?

you're not sure why you're surprised about that, maybe it's just the idea that he literally searched for you just to say this, he truly just wants to walk you home, he truly just wants to spend time with you.

he thinks i make good company, just the thought alone is enough to make you giggle in your head. your inner thoughts sound ridiculous, but you can't help them.

"if you don't want me to it's totally oka—"

"no no no" you immediately cut into his sentence, hoping that didn't come off as desperate as it sounded. "i'm glad you offered to walk me home, i'd love to walk with you too".

you unsuccessfully try to mutter those last few words, a sudden shyness taking over you. jisung smiles, glad, no, elated at your agreement. he doesn't know why he's that happy, but he hopes it isn't clear and evident, he'd never live it down.

after bidding a goodbye to your friends, and telling sungchan you'd make sure to choose the photos for your editorials, you dragged jisung out of the school doors, much to your and jisung's surprise, as well as the shock of a few of your classmates, he made sure to eye the both of you suspiciously.

"what interested you in photography?"

a scene like this is something jisung thought he'd never get to, being able to talk to you, one on one. just the two of you sharing a simple conversation is what he's wanted for an uncharted amount of time, even with how straightforward it is, the two of you could never really find time to converse normally.

when jisung asks the question, you almost think you heard him wrong. he genuinely wants to know? in a way, you feel like you've always been just the slightest bit boring, yeah you wanna do journalism and love taking aesthetically pleasing photos but you've never considered what you do to be a talent by any means.

you pick at your fingers, looking down at the ground instead of at jisung. "it's an interest i picked up from my mother, i've always been shocked how she could just do that, you know? i love videography and stuff like that as well, i love how one can capture so much with just a single camera".

your words intrigue jisung, and he listened the whole entire way, not interrupting you once. he found a smile crossing his face at the clear display of passion for your creative work, he loves the way you put it into words. god if he didn't admire you before, he surely did now.

"what about you? you're pretty much good at everything, what drew you to the adrenaline rushing excitement of soccer?"

jisung pauses, allowing himself to let out a small snicker at the question. "i don't really enjoy soccer".

you raise an eyebrow. "oh?"

jisung laughs again, your tone of voice amusing him. "don't say it like that.. it's not that i hate it, i'm just not as into it like everyone expects me to be, i got onto the school team and i've been stuck there ever since" there isn't exactly distaste in jisung's tone, he just states it casually, like how it is. his voice is just simple, mundane, he doesn't dislike soccer, it's just not what he's looking forward to do.

you love his honesty.

"i'm into other things in a much more passionate sense, like dance, soccer is just a hobby" he finally finishes, pulling his sleeves over his arms as he avoids eye contact with you.

"so no professional soccer player park jisung?"

"i think i'll leave it to the other guy to be known for that".

you chuckle at his words, okay, he's funny (you knew that already, you just had to reiterate it in your head). god how can a guy be so perfect? you get why people are so into jisung, he's charming even without trying. you feel like the luckiest guy on earth knowing he asked to walk you home.

"y/n, i'm a very.." jisung pauses, as if trying to articulate the words he was about to say. "i really admire you a lot".

you almost lose it.

park jisung, beautiful, talented, hardworking park jisung admires you? he is an admirer of yours? you don't even know what to say, you try your best to sputter out a response but your brain is practically malfunctioning. your face goes red, and you go silent for a few minutes.

"i don't get it" is what you say, and jisung just cocks his head towards the side, observing you. "what's so admirable about me?"

"do you want a list?"

oh i'd love that. "i don't think you should waste your time".

"i wouldn't be wasting my time" jisung smiles, his gaze focused on you and only you, there's a way he's looking at you that keeps you still, unable to look away from him. "i never get the chance to tell you, i'd love to talk about everything i admire about you".

when did jisung get so bold? he'll never know where this random confidence came from, but he has an opportunity, he can't let it go to waste. he has to bring it up to you.

"what i do is nothing incredible—"

"i would disagree".

you should be angry that jisung interrupted you, but you found yourself smiling at his words. he's so generous, he doesn't have to tell you this, he doesn't have to compliment you like this, but he's doing it on his own accord, he wants to.

"okay then.. is it a good time to tell you that i also feel the same?"

jisung's ears go red, so red that it looks like smoke is gonna start pouring out of them. he is shocked, absolutely speechless. you admire him? does that mean he's gotten it all wrong these past few years? does that mean you return his feelings as well—

wait what?

"oh really?"

the prior confidence jisung had when telling you about his admiration has now all fizzled away, his voice almost cracks as he tries to register your words, and thank god it doesn't.

"it's kind of like what you said, you're amazing, a very admirable person, i know you don't really think of yourself like that but i do, and it's nice to be able to tell you up front".

jisung remains silent, but you don't mind, you just give him a smile and continue walking forward, allowing for him to catch up to you.

"is that actually true?"

"why would i lie to you?" you turn around, your whole body facing him. you begin walking backwards and wait for jisung's reply to your question. "don't give me that look".

jisung frowns, a playful one, he sends you a cute little glare that makes you giggle. he's absolutely adorable, you think in your head, he's the cutest person ever right now.

"you admire me?"

"yep".

"more than i admire you?"

"definitely, and don't even try to argue with me".

jisung opens his mouth to do exactly that, but you stop, turning around as you make it to the front of your house. "okay well, thank you for walking me home, ji".

jisung raises an eyebrow, noting down the nickname in his head. it's a common nickname, but he loves the way it sounds coming from you, he loves that you didn't just drop his full name.

"it's no problem.."

"i—"

you're cut off by the sound of the door opening, and your met with the face of your mother, whose face immediately brightens at the sight of you. you smile at her, and jisung just kinda stands there awkwardly.

"hi honey" she wraps her arms around you, and you let her, leaning your head onto her shoulder. "i thought you were staying late today?"

you shake your head. "not today, it's friday remember?"

"ohhh, yeah".

jisung glances down at the ground, playing with his feet. he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't want to interrupt the conversation you're having with your mother—

but he doesn't have to say anything, because your mother pipes up.

"oh! and who might this be?" she narrows her eyes at jisung, cogs in her brain seem to turn but then she snaps his fingers and gasps, seemingly getting it. "oh my god! park jisung?"

jisung smiles, a little laugh escaping his lips. "that is me".

"holy, you've changed so much? the last time i saw you you were barely up to my knees!"

at the sound of your mothers words, you give jisung a teasing stare, one which he quickly turns away from. "you and y/n are finally friends? i was wondering when it'd happen.."

your face goes bright red at the words, and an awkward chuckle escapes your lips. "seems he was too, he always talked about it—"

"haha! what!? that's hilarious mom!" you quickly cut in, not wanting her to talk about your former ramblings about park jisung, park jisung who was right beside you. "yeah okay, jisung i'll see you monday?"

jisung nods, a little too desperately for his liking, luckily you don't notice. "yeah, monday, have a good weekend, y/n".

you smile, blood rushing through your cheeks. "be safe".

he gives a small wave and turns around, beginning the walk back towards his home.

"he's such a nice kid, you sure you're just friends?"

your jaw pretty much drops, and you give your mother a look you don't think you've ever shared with her before. "yes! just friends!"

"hmm, sure".

"WHO ARE THOSE FOR?" CHENLE asks as he immediately notices the goodies in jisung's hands. he raises an eyebrow suspiciously at his best friend, examining the bouquet of flowers and box jisung held. jisung ignores him for a couple of minutes, placing the box in his locker and closing it behind him. "for someone" he just replies, hoping he could just remain vague instead of telling chenle about his true plans. the older narrows his eyes, clearly curious about this 'someone'. he flicks jisung in the forehead, resulting in a yelp from the other, who glares. "ow! what was that for?" he asks, furrowing his eyebrows and rubbing his forehead, a frown now coming to his face.

"what you're hiding stuff from me now?" chenle rolls his eyes at jisung's frown. "who are those flowers for? you got a boyfriend or something?"

chenle was right in assuming it was a boy that was making him go crazy, but you aren't his boyfriend (not yet at least, he's trying, really). he doesn't want to exactly divulge his plans to his nosy best friend yet, just because he'd go around telling everybody he could about what jisung was doing, he didn't want anything to be spoiled.

"they're for.. y/n".

jisung winces the moment he says those words, because chenle goes absolutely crazy.

"FOR WHO!?"

jisung is quick to slap a hand over chenle's mouth, glaring at him for how loud he said those words. "could you be any more obvious?" he asks, gritting his teeth as he continues to glare at his shorter best friend, whose eyes just widen even more. "yes they're for y/n—"

"what are you two dating now?" chenle doesn't care about anything jisung has to say, he slaps his hand away and stares in interest, wanting to know more.

"no! were not dating! it's just—" jisung pauses, how is he even gonna explain this without looking super guilty? blood rushes through his cheeks as he thinks about it, about how these are your favorite flowers, about how you might react. "i wanted to get him something nice! he did a good thing and.."

and i am just so in love with him, i think i might be going insane.

"i just want to do something nice!"

"okay but are you doing something nice or are you getting ready to ask him out?"

jisung's face goes a dangerously red color, and he immediately shakes his head, denial coursing through his veins. "i'm not going to ask him out, i mean— i get why you think that but it's not what it looks like!"

chenle raises an eyebrow, staring at his totally lovestruck best friend. "it sure does seem to be what it looks like".

"chenle—"

"look, jisung, there's no need to deny that you have such an obvious crush on y/n" chenle states like it's a matter of a fact, because it is, they both know it very well, he's better at assessing jisung's feelings than jisung himself is. "he thinks your cute, you think he's cute, you two just need to ask each other out".

"um.." jisung presses his lips together, the two falling into a weird silence. he clutches the daisies in his hands, thinking about you, but he shuts off his thoughts to respond to chenle's little analysis of him.

"i just don't know where we stand, i mean we're barely even friends".

"you two are pretty much already more than friends considering he can't talk to you without looking like he's about to devour you whole".

jisung's face must be an astonishing shade of red right now. "it's not—! i don't know how to explain it okay!?"

"yeah and how are you gonna explain the flowers?" chenle points at the daisies jisung is practically squeezing to death. "other people are probably gonna get another idea".

"well i'll let them think what they want" jisung responds, his only focus is you, who cares what other people think? your his main priority. "y/n is my main focus, i don't care about what other people are saying".

chenle chuckles at his response, oh park jisung is so down bad, he's so in love with you, a kind of love chenle has never seen him have for another person. yes park jisung, love avoiding extraordinaire, is head over heels in love with a boy, chenle cannot believe it.

"okay jisung, go ahead with your wooing y/n mission or something".

at least chenle is supportive.

jisung has to go through so many interrogations to explain to your fellow photographers why he's giving you flowers, while a few of them just shrug and get it, the rest of them make sure to eye him suspiciously while he goes on with his explanation and bright red ears.

he knows most of them probably won't keep their mouths shut, and jisung knows that you told him he shouldn't get you anything for preventing him from getting any future brain damage, but jisung disagrees, he thinks you deserve gifts.

"who are those for?"

your brain doesn't register the flowers, or the connection that they have with your not-so-secret admirer, you just stare at them puzzled. "they're for you!" sohee yells from somewhere else in the room, focused on another important thing.

your eyebrows furrow, and you blink as you stare at the daisies on the table. daisies are your favorite flowers, but everyone knows that! these could be from anyone! you're no stranger to getting random gifts from people, so these could really be from anyone.

but you only have a certain person in mind..

"from who?" you ask, but you really already know who, considering the knowing look sohee sends to you.

"jisung".

of course, you say in your head, your fingers trace the packaging of the bouquet, admiring the pretty flowers before you (the pretty flowers given to you by a pretty boy), a small smile comes to your face as you think about it. you told jisung not to get you anything, but he obviously wasn't going to listen to you, he's made that very clear.

"did he tell you anything?"

sohee doesn't spare you another glance, but you can just tell he's grinning like a madman with the way he's clearly trying to hold in his laughter. "he just told me to make sure to get them to you, he was very insistent".

the teasing tone of your friends voice doesn't go unnoticed by you, and your barely able to stifle your laugh, not at sohee exactly, but at jisung's actions.

of course he didn't listen when you said for him to not get you anything, he remembered what your favorite flowers are, did he spend his weekend thinking about it? you wonder what kind of florists we must've went to.. your mind races with just jisung thoughts, and you're just so lost in them that you don't realize your zoning out.

oh park jisung, why do you have to be so sweet?

"DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO?" YOU immediately ask the moment you come across park jisung in the hallway. the boy blinks, smiling at the sight of you, his face practically brightens at the sight of you. "what do you mean?" he inquired innocently, a small tilt of his head adding to his question. you send him a glare, not a serious one, but it's still a glare. you can't even believe his audacity, for him to look at you with such beautiful eyes, make your knees feel weak without even having to do anything? park jisung is just such a crazy man, you don't know if you can stare at him any longer, you might end up passing out from heat exhaustion (the heat from your face, of course, something that's become so normal for you when around park jisung).

"don't 'what do you mean?' me, i told you not to get me anything!" you complain, lightly shoving jisung's shoulder. "seriously, i said it was fine.." you mumble those words, but jisung just smiles.

"i wanted to get you something anyway, i needed to show you my appreciation somehow".

but just your admiration is enough appreciation for me, just you being around is enough, just you is enough.

your own thoughts weird you out on occasions.

"i told you not to—"

"but i wanted to, it's fine y/n, seriously, just accept my gesture".

you bite your inner cheek, he just always has to be nice, doesn't he? your cheeks flare up and you swear your face goes a shade of red you've never seen before, how does one boy even affect you like this? you don't think you've ever acted like this around any of your other admirers ever..

"ah" a small smile comes to your face. "thank you" you whisper, you're not sure why you get so shy all of a sudden.

"it's no problem" jisung responds, a smile coming to his face. he closes the door to his locker, and then leans onto it. "walk with me?"

you blink, jisung really likes walking with you, huh? is this gonna become your thing? you wouldn't really mind when you think about it.. you enjoy walking with jisung, you just enjoy any time you can spend with jisung.

"what's with you and asking to walk with me?"

"walking with you is just.. nice".

"do i ease your stresses or something?"

your tone is meant to come off as teasing, and your question is mostly unserious, you don't register how you sound like your flirting with jisung, probably because everything just feels so natural with jisung, you love how you feel around him, it's confusing to explain.

"i guess you could say that" jisung's response snaps you out of your jisung focused thoughts, thoughts which are difficult to not get stuck in considering park jisung is constantly occupying your mind these days. "anyway, can you walk with me?"

you pause, tongue pressing against the inside of your cheek. you have class in twenty minutes, and you don't really want to walk back all the way with only five minutes left to make it to class. "i don't know.. chen might kill me".

"please?"

that catches you off guard, you seemingly forget how to think for a second. jisung really wants to walk with you so bad, he's reverting to that easily convincing voice of his? you'd be an idiot to say no, you'd be an idiot to deny anything given to you by park jisung, you sigh in your head.

"okay, fine".

a smile of victory places itself on jisung's face, and he takes your hand, to your own surprise, as the two of you begin making your way down the hall. you wanna bring it up, but you don't want him to let go of you, so you don't. your face goes a bright shade of red, jisung doesn't seem to mind, or maybe he's always wanted to hold your hand, you aren't sure.

you focus way too much on it, on the way it feels, how jisung's soft hands contrast your rough ones, how warm his hands are, you don't want to let go, you don't want him to let go. god, you feel like such a loser, freaking out over a boy holding your hand.

but it's not just a boy, it's park jisung, park jisung makes you feel things you thought you'd never feel before..

"why do you seem so worried?" jisung chuckles, his hand holding yours. he nudges your shoulder lightly, raising an eyebrow.

"because, i don't wanna be late".

jisung snickers, not making fun of you, though, he hopes you don't think that. "have you never skipped a class before?"

your eyes widen as large as saucers, model student park jisung has skipped classes? a small chuckle escaped your lips. "no, i could never bring myself to, it always made me feel strange.."

now it's jisung's turn to look surprised, you laugh again, why does he assume you skip classes? or have even attempted to skip? you wonder what goes through his mind. "are you serious? you've never tried to skip before?"

you scoff, pinching his arm. "i tried to once in the sixth grade because of a dare from friends, but i literally couldn't do it, they called me a wimp for the rest of the year".

"aww sad".

"don't give me your fake pity, also— you've skipped class before!?"

jisung chuckles at your surprise, giving a small smile. "it was a few times as a sophomore, some classes are just so boring i can't resist".

"wow, model student park jisung skips his classes? i cannot believe the information that has been bestowed upon me".

the words, paired with your sarcastic tone made jisung let out yet another snicker, he hopes he's not overdoing it in your eyes, you're genuinely just a very funny person. "oh no! don't use this secret to tarnish my pristine reputation!"

"you're such an idiot".

a cute idiot.

"be quiet, you still love me" jisung rebuts, adding a small nudge to your shoulder along with his words.

it's weird to say, but you like this. even with your totally non-romantic feelings for jisung, you find this nice. is this what dating him would be like? you get to hold hands and joke around in the halls without a care in the world? you think you'd enjoy that, you'd enjoy dating park jisung.

wait what?

you snap out of your thoughts when jisung stops, so you stop too. he lets go of your hand, and you resist the urge to frown, because you don't want to come off as desperate. (but you are desperate, you're so desperate, having park jisung hold your hand was so nice, you want him to hold it again).

"this is my stop, thank you for my walking with me".

the words are simple, basic, but you find your face heating up at them anyway. you clear your throat, not wanting to stay silent any longer. "it was no problem, i couldn't disagree anyway".

jisung laughs, he is so pretty, so pretty without even having to do anything significant. "of course you couldn't" he looks down at his feet. "anyway! have a good day y/n, don't be late to your next class!"

you blink as you watch jisung walk into the auditorium for his next class, you watch as he walks away, standing there for what seems like forever. how could a guy, just a guy affect you so much? what is it with park jisung and making you stop in your tracks? he's mesmerizing, just so easily draws you in.

your eyes widen as you realize the time, you're going to be late for your next class, mr. chen is going to kill you!

and as you totally sprint down the hallway to get to your next class, your mind is racing with thoughts of park jisung the entire time.

"AM I NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND?" YOU CAN practically hear the pout in sungchan's voice as he said those words. you place the extra polaroids on your desk, then glance up at your friend, who stares at you with an expression of defeat on his face. you raise an eyebrow, puzzled at what the actual hell he's talking about, he's always just bringing stuff up so randomly, you can't even keep up with what he's referring to now. sungchan just frowns, letting out a groan of frustration as plops down beside you, a small huff adding to his words. you chuckle at the way he decides to present himself, and he groans once again, very frustrated. "where is this coming from?"

"why didn't you tell me about you and jisung".

you pause, an expression of surprise comes to your face, your face which heats up astonishingly quickly. "me and jisung? me and jisung what? we aren't—"

"y/n there's no point in denying it, everyone already knows".

"everyone already knows what?"

"that you and jisung have a thing, it's fine if you don't wanna tell everyone but excluding me? your best friend in the whole entire world from the news?"

"jisung and i aren't dating!" you say immediately, clasping your hands together as you try to calm your rapidly beating heart. why do people even think that? yeah you like park jisung but how did people even reach the conclusion that you were dating? you're not even sure if jisung returns your feelings. "i don't even know where people got that idea.."

"so your constant yearning stares and pitched up giggles are all not apart of that?"

"i don't—" you are definitely showcasing all guilty characteristics, your red face, your shrill voice, and your very obvious lying, sungchan sees right through you, anyone would be able to. "yearning stares are stupid i don't do that!"

"yeah, sure y/n" sungchan sighs, and you groan, screaming into your pillow. "i'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it's disgustingly obvious that you're into jisung, and i mean in a cringy way".

you gasp in offense, turning away from your best friend. you want to remain stubborn, but you can't, of course you can't, how can you even deny your feelings for jisung anymore if other people can now tell that you like him? your face heats up in embarrassment, and you cover your face with your hands. "is it really that obvious?" you mutter, hoping the answer isn't what you think it is.

"yeah, very, i wouldn't even be surprised if the two of you were actually dating and this was a little trick of yours".

sungchan points at you, an accusatory look in his eyes, but he immediately lets it go, because he knows you, and he can tell that you are telling the truth. you don't even have the courage to look at him, still covering your face with your hands. "have you not told jisung how you feel yet?"

your silence tells sungchan everything he needs to know, and the look he gives you is absolutely criminal.

"YOU HAVEN'T!?"

"i haven't found any time too!"

"how much time have you been spending around jisung these days!? you haven't even tried to bring it up to him!"

you let yourself fall to the side, half your body hanging off your bed. "i don't know how to" you whine, mind immediately rushing to thoughts of park jisung, thoughts you probably shouldn't be having. "it's awkward!"

"well i'm sure jisung feels the same with the way he always has to resist the urge to kiss you in the hallway".

"with the way he WHAT!?"

the words are enough to make you rise from your formerly fallen state, a look of astonishment on your face. did jisung really return your feelings? or was sungchan just trying to start something that would end up absolute humiliation?

"y/n, not trying to be rude or anything, but it's so obvious that jisung wants to date you, he doesn't even have to say it for everyone to know!"

you feel like you just discovered the secrets of the universe with those words, park jisung likes you? like likes you likes you? once the realization dawns on you, you gasp loudly.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!? OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS SUCH AN IDIOT UGH!"

sungchan watches you freak out, he truly can't believe that he had to tell you for all of it to finally set in.

it's actually pretty funny, and he snickers as he watches you go absolutely ballistic.

"HAVE YOU SEEN Y/N?" JISUNG ASKS the first recognizable person he sees in the hallway. he hasn't seen any seniors anywhere for a while, but that's because the days keep getting warmer, meaning graduation keeps getting closer, most of the seniors only take two classes and then go on to do their extracurriculars, so they don't really have to spend the whole entire day at school, but it's weird today because he usually always sees you, even when he isn't purposefully looking for you (which has become a common thing for him to do, he's just loves the time he can spend with you). he hopes you aren't absent, because today is friday, and if he doesn't tell you his important news now he's going have to wait an extra two days.

"y/n? uh..." the unfamiliar boy pauses for a moment, as if thinking, and jisung is hoping that it isn't the worst, because he really needs you to be here today. "well i'm not sure where he is actually! probably with his other photographers".

"but he's here right?" jisung doesn't care if he comes off as desperate, his only focus is you, you are his main priority, he doesn't care about the impression he's making on others, he can truly only think about you at the moment.

"yeah! i'm just not sure where exactly!"

"okay thank you!"

the guy gives him a strange look, a mix of teasing and giddy, but jisung walks off too fast to see it, he's set on finding you. he doesn't exactly know where he's supposed to go, he's just hoping to somehow spot you and be able to get you alone.

"what are you rushing for?" chenle comes out of nowhere, noticing jisung's urgency and the way he's clearly focused on something specific strikes him as odd, but he already has an idea of what's making jisung so fidgety. "you're gonna confess your love to y/n or something?"

"yes, actually i am chenle, it'd be great if i could find him, though".

maybe it's jisung's surprising honesty, or the way his main priority is you. chenle finds it amusing how quick the switch flipped, but it's also kind of cute. the usual pessimist, mr 'i don't really care about love' park jisung is down bad for a boy, it's adorable. "have you tried the photography room?"

"where do you think i'm heading?"

chenle chuckles at jisung's attitude, simply smiling and pulling his cheek. "alright then! don't forget to tell me how it goes!"

jisung doesn't spare chenle another glance, just turns back around and focuses on the task at hand, finding you and telling you how he feels.

jisung wonders how you'll react, based on what he's seen, it's not completely guaranteed that you'll reject him, it's probably more likely that you return his feelings rather than don't. does that make him horrible? thinking because you've exhibited the traits of someone who has a crush that you have a crush on him?

maybe you don't like him and he's letting it all get to his head, it all just seems too good to be true.

jisung doesn't even have to go all the way to the photography room, because he bumps right into you whilst on his way there, and a small yelp escapes your lips. "oh my god.. sorry!"

jisung cannot contain his excitement, and his nervousness. there is absolutely nothing to be nervous about, this is y/n. kind, understanding, charming y/n, it's not like he's going to scream at you for telling him you like him. it’ll all be fine.

"it's alright" you whisper, shaking your head for a moment. "i was looking for you" you immediately say, not allowing for jisung to speak before you.

jisung's eyes widen. you were looking for him? it makes his brain go haywire, figurative cogs in his head turning. "that's ironic, i was looking for you too".

jisung swears he can see the red coloring on your cheeks, but he doesn't say anything about it.

"i have to tell you something".

the two of you say that sentence in unison, the same amount of anxiety coursing through your veins, the same red hue on your cheeks, the same look of surprise in your eyes. "you can go first" you whisper, picking at your fingers, you aren't exactly sure if you want to hear what he's about to say.

"are you sure? it seems you have something more important to say.."

"it's fine! really, i can just say it after yo—"

"i'm in love with you".

the words strike you like a punch to the gut, a slap to the face. your stomach drops, your face is burning horribly, and your legs feel like they're about to give in. you cannot believe it, you hope you don't pass out, you hope you don't just die right here, that'd be so embarrassing.

park jisung is in love with you. beautiful, talented, model student park jisung who you've never truly known how you felt about is in love with you. you are so happy, giddy, and it disgusts you, but the disgust is quickly replaced by the feeling of joyousness. park jisung is in love with you, he feels the same way.

"jisung, i'm—"

"it's okay if you don't return my feelings i just wanted to tell you!" is that really what he thinks? that you don't love him back? he must be crazy, you've only ever exhibited reciprocal feelings. "i'll be off now!"

"no! don't go!" you grab jisung's wrist before he can walk away. smart move y/n, you're acting so natural right now. "i just, i return your feelings! i just don't know how to explain it, also my hands are very sweaty right now and i feel gross.."

you let go of jisung's wrist and feel your face get unbearably hotter. it's embarrassing, you feel so embarrassed, but it's park jisung, and jisung just stares at you lovingly. you're so cute, how did it take him this long to tell you how he felt?

"you're so cute".

jisung doesn’t even realize he says the words until you give him that look, and your red face just makes him giggle more. "this isn't— that is not fair! i was supposed to confess first!"

"you're the one who told me to go first!"

"i didn't know you were going to tell me you liked me! i prepared a whole sentence for you and everything!"

you whine, covering your red face with your hands. jisung removes your hands from your face, and a small smile graces his pretty features. he's absolutely gorgeous, he has such a pretty smile, you have the sudden urge to tell him about it. "your smile is beautiful".

now it's jisung's turn to become the red faced lovesick fool. "ah, really?" he responds, voice shaky, hands even more shaky, but they're so soft, your mind always reminds you to note that.

you hum in agreement. "it's very pretty, i can't believe more people don't talk about it".

"well you can talk about it, aren't we technically dating now?"

the question makes you pause. you feel like your about to go insane, you're dating park jisung? park jisung is your boyfriend? this is like a dream come true, a dream you thought would stay a dream and only a dream. "dating? dating! yeah yeah!"

your natural act is not natural at all, you are very nervous, so nervous you feel like your about to collapse onto the floor. "there's no need to be so nervous.."

you groan. "says you!"

"alright y/n" jisung lets go of your hands, much to your dismay, because you frown. he takes note, and reaches over to grab your own once again, intertwining your fingers. "we’re dating, you don't have to go red faced every time i compliment you now".

"but it's you, how do i not?"

jisung sighs, leaning forward and pressing a small peck on your lips. oh he is such a stupid little—

"why would you do that!?"

"i'm sorry!" jisung giggles, he was definitely not sorry. "it was an instinct, i had to!"

"you— ugh!"

park jisung can't just not make you nervous, he's such a crazy man.

one that you love, of course.

"I THINK I LIKE THIS ONE THE MOST.." JISUNG states, admiring the polaroid photos which litter the desk. you hum at his words, rummaging through the box on the counter, you are very much focused on finding that estranged camera taehyun had pointed for you to find. your boyfriend glances up, looking over your shoulder, silently watching as you get frustrated about this stupid camera you couldn't find. "which one?" you inquire, glancing over at him. jisung holds up the polaroid, a picture you'd taken of you and sungchan at the beach when you were nine. a pretty photo, you aren't even sure how you pulled it off. "ah, that is a pretty one" you whisper, and you smile the moment jisung smiles. his smile is so pretty, a cute stretch which is enough to make you smile, even if you feel down.

"what’s with your face?"

"searching for this old camera is pissing me off" you remark, knowing that you have to search for this is just making you even more mad, why do you have to pack the photography room right before graduation? you hate it. "who even left it in here?"

"a former student maybe?"

you close your eyes, sighing. "i need this to be over so much more quickly" you complain, and jisung just laughs at your misery.

"we graduate in a week, y/n, just be patient" the younger pokes your cheek, then he cups your face, trying to make your frown disappear. "an old camera is not the end of the world".

you glance down at jisung's lips, then narrow your eyes. "are you trying to seduce me?" you question, raising an eyebrow.

"no?" jisung responds, adding a small tilt of his head to his words. "do i sound believable?"

"not at all" you say, pushing jisung's hands away and looking back to the box in front of you so you can continue to scour for this camera you have to get for your friend. you continue to search through the box, trying to find this old dslr camera for your friend. "so don't distract me".

"i'm not!" jisung whines, wrapping his arms around your waist and placing his chin onto your shoulder, watching you try to succeed at your mission of finding a camera. "you don't want to give me, your lovely, amazing boyfriend attention?"

you merely roll your eyes at jisung, he's so annoying (in a cute way), you're about to call chenle to drag him away from you, but you also don't want him to let go of you, his arms around your waist make you feel safe, loved, park jisung makes you feel so loved.

"i found it!" you shriek, victory soaring in your voice. "fucking finally".

"okay so can you give me a kiss now?" jisung asks, puckering his lips and leaning closer to you.

he's so desperate, and you are too, it's adorable, park jisung is adorable. "hmm" you pretend to think about it, an inquisitive look making it's way to your face. "nah".

"y/n! that's not fair!" jisung whines, shaking you with his arms that are still around your waist. he frowns, trying to give you his best puppy dog eyes.

you almost give in, but you push him away, taking the camera you'd been searching for. "later, babe".

"you said that this morning!"

you sigh, turning around to stare at the pouting park. the cute pout remains on his face, how can you ever resist him? you lean forward and press a kiss to his lips, ruffling his hair. "there, are you happy you big baby?"

"you could do better".

"uh huh, and you could be patient".

jisung frowns once again, but it's not a serious one, just the cute one he likes to do when he pretends to be mad at you. "don't be mad, you know i love you".

jisung does know, he knows that very well. he smiles at you, he's so in love with you, and not even in an embarrassing way, there's nothing embarrassing about this, he feels joyful, a sense of euphoria overtakes him whenever he’s with you.

"i know, i love you too".

and he isn't lying when he says that.

because he truly does.

[marvel-ous-m]

A Hazy Shade of Winter

written for ‘hole’ wc: #404| rated: T | cw: General Depictions of Depression/Exhaustion/Burnout, Car Accident | tags: "first" meeting

A/N: Took a short break from writing due to the busiest month ever. I'm excited to be back- and is there any better way to get back into it than to do the @steddiemicrofic January prompt? (Hint: the answer is no, there isn't).

--------------------------------------------------------

It’s so late at night that some would consider it early. It’s snowing, dusting the roads in a thin sheet of white. Steve’s running on a lack of sleep totaling- he spares a glance at the clock on his dash, and, shit, could that be right? - just over 48 hours now. He doesn’t have a destination, content to just drive while an old Simon & Garfunkel tape keeps him company.

It’s dark outside. Steve is so, so tired. There’s enough snow that he can’t see the road conditions- he’s not sure where he even is.  

…It’s the springtime of my life…

It feels a bit more like he’s in the Winter months of his life. He’s in his Senior year of high school, but he’s not worried about college or relationships- he’s alone and patrolling the town, petrified of monsters.

His foot presses down slightly on the gas, eager to feel something that can distract him from the permeating sadness.

He hits a pothole. The ice on the roads combined with the force of the impact sends his tires sliding across the road, the front of his car wrapping around the nearest tree.

…the sky is a hazy shade of winter…

His windshield is cracked open, and flurries fall onto the dashboard clock he was staring at only minutes ago.

…there’s a patch of snow on the ground…

Steve shuts the music off, then stares down at his shaking hands.

It’s almost three in the morning. It’s cold, it’s snowing, and Steve is sitting in the driver’s seat of his crashed car wearing pajamas. He’s alone.

Tires screech behind him. A car door opens, then closes. Boots crunch in the snow, knuckles knock on his driver’s side window. Steve opens the door and practically falls into the stranger’s arms.

“Fuck, dude. Are you okay?” Calloused hands pat his cheek and Steve looks up, greeting a somewhat-familiar face. “Harrington? What the hell happened?”

“Munson?” Steve’s words slur- which, he realizes, is probably not good.  

“It’s okay, Steve. I’ve gotcha.” Eddie helps Steve away from the wreck, gets him settled in the passenger seat of his van, and mutters something about taking Steve back to his uncle’s house.

Steve’s inclined to trust him. He has kind eyes, soft features. He’s pretty, and from the flush of Eddie’s cheeks, Steve’s not entirely sure if he kept that observation to himself.

That’s okay, though. Eddie’s got him.

[phoenixyfriend]

Time for some tracts:

"How do we create jobs?" You raise the minimum wage, because if people don't need to work three jobs to make rent, those other two jobs will mysteriously open up.

"How do we support small businesses?" You raise the minimum wage, staggered to the biggest corporations first.

"How do we reduce homelessness?" You raise the minimum wage.

"How do we make sure raising the minimum wage doesn't negatively impact prices or--?"

Prices are already rising faster than wages are, this is playing catch up.

Put a cap on CEO salaries and bonuses, they can't earn more than 100 times more than their lowest paid workers. Current US ratio is 342, which is insane. (This list is mostly about the US.)

Hit corporations first, give small businesses time to adjust. McDonald's and Walmart can afford to raise wages to $20/hr before anyone else does, they have that income.

Drop the weekly hours required for insurance from thirty to fifteen. This will disincentivize employers having everyone work 29hrs a week, partly because working only 14hrs a week is a great way to have undertrained, underpracticed staff. Full time employment becomes the new rule.

Legalize salary transparency for all positions; NYC's new law is a good start.

Legislation that prevents companies from selling at American prices while paying American wages abroad. Did you know that McDonald's costs as much or more in Serbia, where the minimum wage is about $2/hr? Did you know that a lot of foreign products, like makeup, are a solid 20% more expensive? Did you know that Starbucks prices are equivalent? Did you know that these companies charge American prices while paying their employees local wages? At a more extreme example, luxury goods made in sweatshops are something we all know are a problem, from Apple iPhones to Forever 21 blouses, often involving child labor too. So a requirement to match the cost-to-wage ratio (either drop your prices or raise your wages when producing or selling abroad) would be great.

Not directly a minimum wage thing but still important:

Enact fees and caps on rent and housing. A good plan would probably be to have it in direct ratio to mortgage (or estimated building value, if it's already paid off), property tax, and estimated fees. This isn't going to work everywhere, since housing prices themselves are insanely high, but hey--people will be able to afford those difficult rent costs if they're earning more.

Trustbusting monopolies and megacorps like Amazon, Disney, Walmart, Google, Verizon, etc.

Tax the rich. I know this is incredibly basic but tax the fucking rich, please.

Fund the IRS to full power again. They are a skeleton crew that cannot audit the megarich due to lack of manpower, and that's where most of the taxes are being evaded.

Universal healthcare. This is so basic but oh my god we need universal healthcare. You can still have private practitioners and individual insurance! But a national healthcare system means people aren't going to die for a weird mole.

More government-funded college grants. One of the great issues in the US is the lack of healthcare workers. This has many elements, and while burnout is a big one, the massive financial costs of medical school and training are a major barrier to entry. While there are many industries where this is true, the medical field is one of the most impacted, and one of the most necessary to the success of a society. Lowering those financial barriers can only help the healthcare crisis by providing more medical professionals who are less prone to burnout because they don't need to work as many hours.

And even if those grants aren't total, guess what! That higher minimum wage we were talking about is a great way to ensure students have less debt coming out the other side if they're working their way through college.

------------------

Linda P requested something either really interesting or really silly and this is... definitely more of a tract on a topic of interest (the minimum wage and other ways business and government are both being impeded by corporate greed) than on a topic of Silly. Hope it's still good!

[dorotontheglow]

Structure for Improvement

Having tried different systems over the years, I have realized that I improve the best in a structure. Having a routine, knowing what I need to do and when I need to do it helps me a lot. However, with improvement knowing isn't enough unfortunately, it is the first step. What's important is taking action. And today, I wanna share some of my routines that I'll be following for improvement!

MY WORKOUT ROUTINE

I love the body weight lifting gives people so that's what I have been doing for quite sometime now but the problem is that I don't really have a routine for it. Some weeks I lift weights for five days and some weeks it's two days. I have seen results, nevertheless, but it is something I wanna do constantly as I have bigger body goals aesthetically. So here's the routine I'll follow:

Monday : Arm workout (Weight lifting)

Tuesday : Arm + leg workout (Weight lifting)

Wednesday : Ab workout (Weight lifting)

Thursday : Rest due to school

Friday : Rest due to school

Saturday : Leg + ab workout (Cardio)

Sunday : Full body (Weight lifting)

Plus, walking or biking once the weather gets a little better<3

MY LEARNING ROUTINE

This is, perhaps, what I struggle with the most. Years in the education system ended up making me burnout. I couldn't learn anything for the sake of learning it. I always had to learn something that would be useful for my studies in school. However, this has to change. I have so many things that I'm interested in and so many things I want to learn that it would be unfair to myself to not create a learning routine. (Not a studying routine, but a learning routine! Completely different in my eyes.)

Every week, I will choose a topic to do research about. I will read books and articles. I will watch videos, interviews, documentaries etc. I will try to learn as much as possible about the topic that I am interested. And then write an essay (2000 -2500 words) about it at the end of the week.

Another learning goal is learning a language. I have been trying to learn Korean and Spanish back to back which I couldn't for years! So frustrating. But for the past few months I have been learning Spanish and it's going really well. Learning a new language is really important to me because I am a language student and it's an essential personality trait of mine. So it hurts me when I get lazy or unmotivated about it. I haven't decided on my routine yet but it will probably look something like this:

Monday : Learn 10 new words + a grammar topic

Tuesday : Learn 10 new words + watch a Ted Talk in Spanish

Still a work in progress!

MY SELF-CARE ROUTINE

I think every one of these routines are under the umbrella of self-care but for the sake of giving a name to this category, I'm going to call it the Self-Care Routine.

This routine includes:

My at-home laser hair removal routine and

My skincare routine

I am starting at-home laser hair removal treatments, again... I have realized that I had spots on my legs that don't really grow hair from previous treatments so I decided to try it again. I will shave every Saturday and do the treatments on Monday. Places include : Legs, tummy, private parts.

I already have a skincare routine that I follow somewhat religiously. But I do experiment with products and I still haven't perfected it. There is an egg white face mask I bought that works really well so I'll be doing it three times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

Right now, these are the core routines and as I'm following them, I will add or remove things accordingly.

[faetaiity]

As much as I adore yan/turtles, Casey doesn't get as much love as he should. So may I kindly request a yandere casey one shot?

<3 anon

HELLOOOOO I AM BACK (hopefully) FROM THE UNDERWORLD CALLED BURNOUT I wasn't truly able to make a one-shot bc I actually haven't thought about what kind of Yan Casey is, so I think this'll prolly be a Headcanon post with a small story at the end kjgfjlklkgt, sorry :')

✩ Yan! Casey Jones Jr x Gender-Neutral! Reader ✩

Story Format: Mostly Headcanons

TW: Manipulation, Guilt-Tripping, Panic Attacks, Yandere (Obv-) and Mentions of Trauma for Casey

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩

I feel like Casey would be an (Unintentional) Manipulative, Isolating, and Paranoid Yan

He's heard so much about you from Future! Leo and Mikey in the bad timeline...

You probably let him stay at your apartment while the Turtles set up a room for him

I also feel like the first signs that he's slowly downwardly spiraling into toxic love is when you try to leave the apartment for work/school/errands

He flips his shit, still in the Apocalypse mindset of 'Don't go alone, you'll fucking die via the Kraang'

He has a panic attack, and you have to stay to help him because he is sobbing and begging you not to leave

He calms down after a bit, clinging to you as he begs you to stay for a bit more, or take him with you

He can keep you safe, you say you can defend yourself but he's adamant

He doesn't tell you why he freaks out when you leave specifically, but it's traumatic for him knowing you died in his timeline

If you end up staying, it's kind of like when you reinforce a dog's bad behavior, they'll do it more, thinking you will comply

Anytime you try to leave without him now, he sobs crocodile tears and begs you not to, it's gotten so bad that he doesn't even have the panic attacks anymore, he's faking it knowing you'll stay if he makes you believe he is.

He finds you trying to comfort him a euphoric situation, furthering his "love"

If you call his bluff, he'll immediately go back to actual panic attacks though

He gets defensive if you have any friends over that aren't April or the Turtles

He doesn't trust them, his memories of the Apocalypse made him wary of almost everyone, he's seen other survivors kill those he loves or knew from the Resistance

He can't let you meet a similar fate in this timeline

If you're a push-over, this can boil over into him being wary of everyone except Michelangelo and Leonardo

It's awful at that point, he has bad panic attacks (Both real and Faked) if anyone comes into the house that isn't Leo or Mikey

Once his room at the Lair is ready, he refuses to go, freaking out that he won't be with you and you will be alone

at this point, it's clear to everyone that he's extremely dependent and attached to you, almost to the hip at this point

He didn't have time for relationships in the Apocalypse, this can both be an Advantage and a Disadvantage

He doesn't know what's the "right" way to love someone romantically and is immediately overbearing and panicky

But he also doesn't have the belief that you would lie to him, you're someone who can be trusted, why would you lie to him?

You'd have to come up with a good lie, like needing to take a shower alone (This is especially good if you have issues with sensory input regarding showers)

Better hope your Bathroom has a window if you use that lie.

If he finds out you lied to him, game over, he's throwing an absolute FIT

Sobbing, screaming, hyperventilating

The whole nine yards man

He won't believe you ever again, even if what you're saying is true

Goodluck, bro is gonna be watching you pee or something, yuck.

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩

You had lied to Casey, you don't know how he didn't deny your request, but you aren't complaining

You see yourself as one lucky bastard right now.

Turning on the cold water as a distraction, you stare at the tiny window, also known as your ticket to getting the fuck out of here,

Climbing on top of the toilet, you part the small private curtains blocking creeps from seeing you do your business, opening the window you try to find a good way to fit through it while making as little noise as possible

Hard task when you're trying to fit through a window the size of two desk drawers.

You fit your head through the window, eagerly pulling your body through until you hear Casey knocking on the door

Fuck.

"{Y/N}? Are you alright?" He asked, his voice sounded concerned and mildly bored, like he wanted to be in there with you.

You don't know what to say, as a heave of air would give away what you're doing.

Trying to get through the window quicker, his knocks become more frantic, as he attempted to turn the doorknob, but was stopped halfway due to the lock

Halfway through the window, you hear him trying to beat the door down, you panic and try to hurry up your pace, abandoning the attempt at being quiet

As you get your knees on the hard steel of the fire escape, you scream as you feel him yank you back into the bathroom, you didn't realize quick enough, and were dragged onto the hard tile floor within seconds before you could attempt to resist

Crying from the stinging pain of hitting the tile floor, you look up and see Casey, his face red with anger and tears streaming down his face

"Why?! Why were you trying to run?! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED?!" he screeched, he's shaking from the anger and hysteria he's feeling

You flinch from his loud voice, unsure of what to do now, he's staring at you before grabbing your hand and trying to gently get you up, which seems out of character as he's literally crying in anger

You don't get up willingly, which makes him resort to just picking you up and walking into your bedroom, setting you on the bed as he pulled out a pair of cuffs, panic jolts through your body as he cuffs you to the bedpost, he heaves a sigh

"Now think about what you've done, what you've done to damage our relationship.... I need to go cool off...."

He walks out of the bedroom, leaving you there for what will feel like hours.

You just had to listen to him, and would've been happier, now look at what you've done

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[kndrules]

Sector V autism headcanons: their experiences with diagnosis and school

Nigel also does not mask and had very obvious autism as a kid, but because of how he acted out in targeted ways, he was labeled a troublemaker instead and diagnosed with ODD. He got less support in school because of this, but he did have some resource classroom time. His parents were the core of his support and advocated for him. Nigel saw a lot of specialists as a kid and that's where his distrust of doctors comes from, as most of them wouldn't take him seriously. His autism does eventually get diagnosed in middle school, but if he had more of a say he probably wouldn't have sought a diagnosis

I know I've said a lot of this before but Allow Me To Infodump

Kuki and Wally are a category of their own because they are the highest support needs of the group (medium support needs). They were both diagnosed really young, and started having serious behavioral problems early too. Wally in particular is demand avoidant, but both struggled with meltdowns. In school, they spent part of their day in a separate setting/ resource classrooms. Their academics lagged well behind their peers. As they grew up, Kuki started to mask more and more but Wally is never able to. Kukis academics improved sooner than Wally's did- Wally was barely able to graduate high school on time. He didn't find strategies that worked for him until halfway through his undergrad years. Both of them are AuDHD

Hoagie and Abby are also similar to each other in that they're both double gifted and didn't have IEPs in school. They both appeared to have it together, so they didn't get any support when they actually needed it. They didn't know how to ask for help. Abby in particular put a lot of pressure on herself to appear perfect.

Abby is a high-masking autistic person who needs a lot of rest and space away from people to recover. She absolutely is never officially diagnosed, but she's self diagnosed. She suffers from burnout frequently, but is good at hiding it.

Hoagie actually has huge deficits in certain academic areas that they don't have a special interest in, but because they excell in other places, teachers assume it's because hoagie is just being unfocused and lazy. They have learned that they can do better in subjects like English and History if they study/write about topics they ARE interested in. But they still struggle tremendously if they have to, for example, read a book for English class that isn't interesting to them.

Hoagie gets diagnosed as an adult. Its like super obvious that they're autistic for their entire life, but their parents are definitely also undiagnosed autistic, so they saw how their kids behaved and thought "yep, seems normal!"

In general, I imagine when they went to school was in the 2000s, which is when I was also in school- special education programs were better than they used to be, but not as good as they can be now. And now, it still hugely varies from school to school. I don't think resources were very good for kids at Gallagher Elementary, since we see the teachers be terrible to their students and belittle kids who struggle academically or behaviorally.

[cool-person-yey]

If you were to psychoanalyze the characters from tmagp, what would you say about them as well as how that affects them and their outlook on life?

now THAT is a loaded question

Sam -> oh that boy is not well. getting rejected from the institute fucked him up a lot, and all the expectations his parents ( and himself) had for him didn't help. all of that resulted in him being a massive overachiever & people-pleaser, n also his obsession with the institute. Sam feels that need to prove himself, prove that he's good enough, and if for some reason he isn't, he needs to know why. he's trying to cross-reference cases, looking for the answers— and yet, he's being deprived of them. again. I've noticed that he's slightly manipulative, not like, playing people to do what he wants, but just small little actions and stuff he says that seem harmless at first but do have second intentions in mind. I'd say it's related to the whole Gifted Kid Burnout™ thing, usually ex-gifted kids are great at lying and schooling their expressions to not show what they truly feel and think.

Alice-> oh she is not fine. not fine at all. We don't know how her experience at the institute impacted her (or if he remembers it at all. I think she does, just trying to ignore it) so I'll leave that aside for now. Her parents' deaths resulted in her having to fill that role for Luke, and she probably did not have time to grieve properly for them (yes, Sam helped her, but there's only so much a friend can do. and in a way, grieving never really stops). Her 'jokester doesn't care about the horrors' demeanor is meant to hide the simple fact that she is scared she probably has been for a while, but never had the chance to show it, and know she doesn't know exactly how to. if she can't make it funny then she'll ignore it, it's better that way.

Gwen-> yeah she's not good either. honestly no one in this fucking office is alright. The first thing we know about Gwen is that she comes from a rich family, and that obviously impacts heavily how she views the world, the scene that portrays this the best is when she welcomes Lady Mowbray into the OIAR because " she's an actual lady'' ( like the most dangerous thing isn't an old British lady) Gwen is very much an elitist. she needs to be at the top at all costs, she needs to be "In it". While her experience with Bonzo definitely shook her up quite a bit, she does not seem to want to go back though. We don't know much about her personal life (outside her family being rich obv) so I won't comment on that.

Lena -> I think she might be the most unwell on this list. she doesn't interact much with the others, but she does care a lot, we have basically 0 information on her background (outside of headcanons, and while I have many I'll only talk canon stuff here) so I won't comment much on it, but Lena seems like someone who was taught to always obey and not to ask many questions. she wants to complete the tasks management send her, not only because she needs to obey, but also because they're supposedly helping the world with that work. Lena cares, she just doesn't show it, I'd say either because she was taught not to, or because she learned it the hard way that caring may be your downfall.

Celia -> this one's a bit complicated. everyone and their mother have talked about how celia is the same one from tma etc etc. and yeah, I believe in it BUT since it wasn't properly confirmed yet, I'll talk about tmagp-only Celia first and then tma-travelled-to-tmagp Celia bc that's a whole other angst ( well not that they don't have stuff in common, but they're for different reasons)

So we know very little about Celia actually. she has a son, she likes little doughnuts, she wakes up in the middle of the night at a train station sometimes. She seems very reserved to talk much about her own life, even to old friendships such as Georgie. Celia is a very secretive person, she does believe the cases are true and does not hide that fact, even bringing it up at her date with Sam. Jack adds an interesting layer to her character, we haven't seem much of him yet, but I think that eventually her Mother Instincts and protectiveness will come into play. So overall, Celia is a pretty reserved person that does believe in the horrors, but doesn't want her loved ones to be involved in the horrors ( unless they show an interest in it? lots of people have theorized that maybe she is not in love with Sam or something, while i do not share that theory it is something to consider still. ) She definitively had a past experience with the horrors though.

now our beloved tma-celia-went-to-protocolverse-celia. Like i mentioned before, she has basically the same personality as— well, herself. but now I can pick out these traits and explain the reason behind them ( or speculate because this is a theory, even if like, everyone has agreed on it. we could just have been fools the whole goddamn time. do not forget that) first of, her being extremely secretive is kind of obvious, trying not to attract unwanted attention and not have many people involved in it, as not to harm them. Celia has first-hand experience with the horrors, she lost herself in it, she doesn't want that to happen to anyone else. I choose to assume Jack was born before she took tmagp's Celia's place, and she did not have the courage to just get rid of an innocent baby (tmagp celia was too but hey, telling lies to justify our actions is easier when looking through a mirror). She cares, she even became georgie's friend again, she cares a lot and she knows she'll have to work hard to keep the people she loves safe.

We don't know that much about collin and teddy yet, although if anyone want to psychoanalize them go for it!

thanks for sending this question anon! and i apologize for taking a while to asnwer it, and if any of the asnwer seems weird or not like what a human person would say, it is because they were written all in different times and places and stages of sleep deprivation.

[pineappleciders]

TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, blades, lots of mentions of cutting. also mental health topics.

main 4 headcanons for finding out reader self-harms; platonic

includes: stan, kyle, cartman, and kenny

A/N: sorry for being kinda inactive i'm experiencing somewhat of a burnout?? kinda stressed cuz of school and stuff. i wrote this on a whim at night, also the assumed form of sh for reader is cutting. also this isn't intended to be angsty

STAN MARSH

he'd be really confused. he knows the basics about depression and other disorders/illnesses, but he hasn't really put enough research into it to know why you'd do that??

"does it hurt?" nah stan it's completely painless!! of course it hurts

"oh. sorry"

stan is curious and wants to ask why cutting could help relieve stress or emotion. in his eyes, that'd do the exact opposite! he can't find the idea of wounding yourself repeatedly to be calming, but he tries to hear you out

he's concerned, and considers telling your parents about it, but he isn't like that. so he opts to tell you to tell them yourself

"you could like, tell your parents and maybe see a therapist. i don't know a lot about this stuff, but i can't imagine cutting yourself is good for you."

every now and then if you're getting anxious or something he'll put his hand on your shoulder, giving you a smile and maybe some encouraging words. he gives you little pep talks if you're about to do something scary

he doesn't treat you differently, but he's sure to keep your problems in mind whenever you leave suddenly, cry, or act weird. he might be a little anxious about it at first, but he trusts you not to do something reckless

he probably gets angrier if someone messes with you. he doesn't really think about why, but if he had to then he'd say it's because "you're already going through a lot, dude. people don't even consider that sometimes, it pisses me off."

that also helps him take other's feelings into consideration more, and tries to see the other side of the story more often.

KYLE BROFLOVSKI

i can see him either asking to see your cuts, or thinking about asking but deciding against it. i feel like he'd be act a little rash and might ask anyways, like if he doesn't stop to think about what reaction that could elicit

he regrets saying it after he does, but if you show him your wounds/scars, he'll probably insist on cleaning them up and bandaging them

like stan, he's very confused and concerned. he's heard about stuff like this but hasn't really experienced it first-hand, and his only real experience with depression was with stan, and only we know how bad he dealt with that!!

he tries to take your feelings and mental state into consideration, but his brain might be a little foggy with slight panic and confusion

"dude, have you told anyone about this? i think you should get some help." again, it's a little difficult for him to find soothing words, and talks bluntly

he encourages you to find help, and tells you he cares, albeit awkwardly. he does care, but he isn't great with feelings. he just really doesn't like the idea of you doing something like that

afterwards, he'll try to be more conscious of you and your state. he might get a little frustrated sometimes, especially if you find yourself in an episode or relapsing. he isn't angry at you, he's just confused on why and lets it turn into anger

he feels angry that you're hurting like that, and kyle being the problem solver he is, sometimes lets his logical and moral side take over. he might ask stan to help out if he can't calm you down

he's trying!!!

ERIC CARTMAN

i wouldn't be surprised if eric has used self-harm in one of his faking suicide schemes

just as most serious topics, the most he probably knows is from researching online for said schemes and lies. most of the time it's a quick scan of the surface web, but he goes deeper for certain things

he probably laughs it off at first or makes fun of you if you were to tell it to him straight

but if he were to actually witness you in the act, he probably panics but tries not to show it

"dammit, Y/N, are you rubbing one out or what, c'mon we gotta-" he pauses when he sees you, and doesn't know what to do from there

like stan he's probably curious and might ask if it hurts or like idk what you use for it😭 he kinda wants to talk to you about it but beats around the bush to avoid the direct topic

he probably tells his mom to get a med-kit and gives it to you and walks out

he felt a whole lot of tension and pressure in that room and he was not rockin with it, so he makes his escape. he doesn't even know why he was panicking that much, probably because you could cut the pressure in that room with a knife kinda like how u cu

my legal team has advised me not to continue this joke

the next day at school he might crack a few emo jokes with you, but other than that he doesn't ask what's wrong or anything.

afterwards, he doesn't really treat you differently, but he doesn't bring it up at all. in fact, you expect him to bring it up during an argument to hit your weak point, but he doesn't.

you're sure he wants to though. but, he doesn't. and that's what counts, right? you can't help but notice that he's a bit more gentle with his touches, specifically when he's grabbing your hand or arm. and who knows, maybe he'll give you the part of his lunch he doesn't want. don't count on it though.

KENNY MCCORMICK

i can see kenny maybe being the most understanding of the four, specifically about the stress and how it relieves it

he's still a little lost, as he's never felt the urge to do that when he's stressed out. also because he dies in so many painful ways that he doesn't know why someone would willingly cause pain to themselves??

but he definitely understands more if you explain it, and sit and listens to you if you'd like to talk about your troubles.

"mm mph mmph mmph? mm mmmph, mph mmph" (can i take it? the blade, i mean)"

he doesn't want to like. be weird or anything he just feels really wrong letting you walk off with a sharp blade ready to slice ur skin. like if he saw fresh wounds the next day he'd probably feel really bad he didn't take it

kenny doesn't tell anyone and doesn't make it a big deal. he'll encourage you and pat you on the back, or sling an arm around your shoulder, pulling you into a hug and telling you that you can do it!

he's generally more nicer and defends you if cartman is annoying you about something, telling him to buzz off

he does have to admit, he gets a little worried about you sometimes so he might just check on you in his mysterion persona from outside your window.

considering you play superheros with the gang, he doesn't really have to wear the costume to protect his identity. it just makes him feel like less of a creep if he's dressed up like batman and pretending to protect the city at night

(the suit also helps him blend in with the shadows. except the bright white undies and green question mark that boings as he walks. okay maybe it isn't great for hiding in the shadows)

[monsterfucker-lisa-swallows]

i need your buffy autism essay PLEASE 🙏🙏🙏🙏

okay prefacing this by saying this isn't my exhaustive thought on the matter but i just got home from work and watched 3x01 and 3x02 for the millionth time but that gave me many thoughts

so imo reading buffy herself as autistic is probably the least interesting take to me, though arguments FOR SURE can be made for her and cordelia taking the common autism girlie route of getting super into hair and makeup to make masking easier (also cordelia is very blunt and no one in buffy talks like an nt)

so buffy as an autism metaphor functions very similar to the intended queer metaphor but works on additional layers. buffy is alienated by this big secret that she keeps, one that sets her apart from other people and gives her an additional burden. buffy's "gift" is both something that actively keeps her from functioning in normal life (leading to social impairments) and gives her additional skills and responsibilities. when buffy steps out of line or experiences adverse emotions due to her traumas, everyone steps up to tell her that she's gifted and should act her age and be responsible. she is not allowed to just be a kid, but will not gain the sort of skills required to be a functional adult. her school career suffers because she can't keep up with classes, even though she's very bright there is always some function of her slayerness that keeps her out of classes (this was, indeed, my school experience as well).

her parents cannot understand her. joyce tries, but her attempts to parent buffy as if she's a normal child with normal problems always backfires. hank summers doesn't do much of anything at all. as a child with a clueless mother and an absent father, i related extremely to the little glimpse we got of buffy's parents arguing about her before their divorce. "you just can't discipline her" is a thing i'm sure many autistic kids grow up hearing their unsupportive parent say many times before eventual abandonment. parental disappointment is common, and parental abandonment is unfortunately extremely normalized by nts because they sympathize with parents who want nothing to do with our "challenging behavior". my stepfather was very like ted and i know many in our community had to deal with abuse very young while having everyone around them disbelieve.

buffy constantly asserts how normal she is. it's this tenuous mask that she holds onto, wanting to be like other girls and fit in. she feels this enormous pressure to fit a mold that she's not terribly good at fitting into, yet when these abilities are stripped from her in "helpless", she can't help but feel useless. robbed of not just her identity, but that which makes her useless to the people around her. this mimics autistic burnout in a very real way.

buffy struggled significantly in her relationships, drawn to men who were older and often treated her poorly. this is also an unfortunate pattern we have to deal with as a community.

buffy's struggles with school extend til she becomes a college drop out just as i did. even when she tries to reenter that environment, she finds herself out of her depth. (the whole time speeding up fiasco has happened to me before.)

idk if this is more of an autism experience or an older sister experience but being given a lot of expectations very young and then having to watch your younger sibling being babied is very relatable. so frustrating.

and let's not even talk about her career. everyone talks about buffy's potential, but no one talks about how her slayer traits keep her from achieving that potential. social impairment, isolation, trauma, as well as not exactly being on a normal circadian rhythm. her calling leaves her with less time in the day to make money, and when you mix this all together you get a recipe from shitty minimum wage jobs, like the one i have. she's not valued for the skills she has (the council didn't pay her after all), so she's forced to subsist on crumbs. the bills pile up and her depression just gets worse as she feels buried underneath all these responsibilities that she can't keep up with. it often feels like no one is helping, and when people get frustrated with her for being overwhelmed they end up leaving in order to "help" her. (also retail time loop is real i've experienced it many times even at my current job.)

many characters in btvs read as neurodivergent to me. willow and xander are adhd. fred, tara, anya, and my beloved oz are definitely autistic. like i said i'll take arguments for why or why not people feel buffy and cordelia are autistic, because i feel that's way more up for interpretation. but i find it interesting how many unique neurodivergence metaphors can be found in this work. willow has definite rejection dysphoria and her magic addiction can be likened to an adderall addiction that started as self medicating for enhanced performance (very similar to buffy's feelings of being useless without her slayer powers). fred was trapped in a hell dimension and when she came out she drew on the walls and stayed in the house and seemed a little childlike for a while until she figured things out. tara grew up under adverse circumstances while being punished for her unique traits, then slowly grew into her own once she embraced that part of herself. anya has been alive for thousands of years yet never learned how to successfully socialize in fluent human. oz is very protective of his friends but finds it hard to verbalize how he feels. he often feels like what he has to protect people from is a manifestation of himself.

(i can also go into buffybot and april but we all know how robot metaphors work by now. also this analysis brought to you by my meta about how illyria is a depression metaphor.)

i could go on and on. and it's after midnight, which means i have to go on patrol. but i feel like i gave you a picture of why i've felt like i doubly relate to this character as a queer autistic. it's this sort of feeling like i never fit in and was burdened with expectations i never asked for and always felt scapegoated when anything would go wrong. my biggest frustration with the show was that everyone turns everything into buffy's fault all the time when many times it's the other characters who caused buffy to react that way ("if you leave the house don't even think about coming back", or the Riley Situation). sometimes there was equal blame to be had, but people really always made it buffy's fault for everything. it just always felt so personal.

anyway she and peter parker should date

[whatinthehale17]

Okay so, this is a bit of long shot but I'm planning on starting a fanmade project for TE. It's my favorite choices story and there's still so much you can do with it.

I'm currently figuring out how to use Ren'py right now and watching videos and what not to figure out how to do this. I'm pretty new to all this but I think it'd be a fun project.

I'm probably gonna do some of the writing like the plot and Shreya's route (best girl) and also as I said I'm figuring out the coding as well.

But I'm definitely gonna need some help on this. I know others have expressed interest in a 3rd book and now is your chance if you're willing to help. Again it's fanmade and we're not making money off of this, this is just for fun and you can bail at any time.

I'll be making a discord once I start to get some interest in this so the link will be up at some point but if you're interested, just comment saying you'd like to help and what you'll be able to provide for this project.

Co-runner- I'm gonna need someone to help me run this project, help me keep the thing running and I'm a bit of an idiot so I'll be coming to you if I need help with anything. You'll be the Atlas to my MC lmao.

Artist- If you're a good drawer or you just love to draw and wanna help out on this project, we'd love to have you. I'm thinking we'll need some new characters for the plot and if you want, maybe some new backgrounds too (or we could just pick ones from the multiple backgrounds choices already has)

Writer- I'm a lesbian and obsessed with Shreya so I don't really have any idea about the other routes. But I know a lot of people are obsessed with like Beckett and the other love interests so anyone willing to help work on the different routes would be great. Not to mention the plot of the book, the adventures the pend pals could be getting into and side stuff like your relationship with your mom and the villains and such.

Coders- Like any great game, we'd need people who can code or wanna try it out like I'm currently doing. I've always heard Ren'py is good for that stuff and that's what the ILW crew used and that's what I'm currently learning right now so if you wanna try it out or already know how, we'd appreciate the help.

And of course, if you just wanna help out, you can join and I'll figure something out for you to do. My work schedule is kind of whack right now so this week we probably won't be getting anything done unfortunately (maybe Thursday or Friday if I have people and what not) but hopefully the week after, i'll have things figured out.

Last but not least, my idea for how I think the plot should go-

The gang is back for their next year of school

MC, Shreya, Zeph, Beckett- Juniors

Griffin- Senior

Aster, Atlas- Sophomores

But just like always, the school year is never simple for them.

The High Attuned has been watching over the school and visiting more frequently, keeping an eye on you and Atlas.

Zeph is having trouble with Thief captain as much as he hates to admit it.

Griffin is having parent troubles after they found out about his interest in Natural disaster field work instead of being a professional Thief player.

Shreya has hired an assistant to help with Serene and Sublime, though the assistant keeps messing things up and causing Shreya to lose customers, important ones at that.

With Beckett's urge to please his professors, he works himself too much to the point he begins to experience burnout and freaks out over the smallest things resulting in him pushing his friends away.

Aster is having trouble running the shop and keeping up with her studies and she's worried she might have to close it down.

Atlas is happy to catch up on lost time with their mom but when their mom becomes a professor for the school, Atlas isn't exactly sure how to feel about it and starts to lash out on Theia, resulting in the MC to have to try and fix the relationship.

MC does their best to help everyone with their problems but begins to have problems of their own when the school recruits another sun-att who does everything in their power to one up MC in every way.

Of course, it's just a rough draft of how I think the year should go, but we could always change stuff around if people have better ideas. Also, of course, there will be new spells to learn like in the other books and I was also thinking like...was I the only one that shipped Dean Swan and Theia together? Like Dean Swan already acts like a mother figure to the twins. And some of the sources will be back like Gemma and I really wanted to incorporate the High Attuned because we got like two minutes of information about them and then nothing ever again.

So yeah, this is super long and we can talk more on the discord but if you're interested just tell me what you wanna do.

[soullikethesea]

Negative

Currently I feel a bit ashamed and disabled. I'm definitely in a burnout-type of state. Actively tired/brain foggy, feeling weird and having body aches.

Finally someone came to give the window a temporary update so that it can be opened. I don't feel happy about this??? It just feels foreign and scary. And the whole process has been so so triggering.

I got apologies three times this week, from the people involved.

And somehow that just makes it hurt more. I fucking predicted this situation and I tried everything in my power to get it fixed and it still took more than 6 months. It reminds me so much of being with my father.

He never apologized to me, of course. Or, well, one time when he was two hours late to come get me and I broke my collar bone. He still says that it was his fault. And yet his guilt and apologies do not make me feel better either. I may be broken.

The landlord stuff just makes me want to cry. It also reminds me of when I got bullied in school and I felt increasingly broken. I am missing a key-component of being human: the ability to protect myself, to show my teeth. Sometimes it feels like I don't have claws, I don't have teeth like other people do.

So even today, I befriended the handyman that neglected me. It's survival 101, isn't it? Befriend your enemy, make them care about you. If you cannot fight, befriend.

Fuck that shit. Fuck the migraine I got, fuck the changes I seem to take so hard, like the new supervisor at work. And even the window now being openable feels so Wrong. I may be autistic after all, or just traumatized, or just weird. Who even knows at this point... I wish I could talk to T, but I also don't, because I have no energy left to explain myself and guide other people towards being helpful.

I also had a low-key job interview thing going, where they forgot to call me - TWICE. I literally got stood up twice. And yes, they apologized as well. It just... it feels bad. I don't know if I'm responding in the right ways so that there is less of a chance of it happening again.

My colleague also left a ton of work to me, without asking me if I'd be OK with it. It's probably not on purpose, but that's another meh thing.

Well, I'll be fine. It seems like all of this is this level of overwhelming just because I did too many things last weekend! And that's another thing I feel pissed about. I wish I could be like a normal person and I could do things without becoming *this* exhausted. I keep comparing myself to some autistic friends I have and they are able to do so much more and it feels a little unfair sometimes. That's what makes me feel so disabled. I hate that I'm stuck within myself. I'll make the most of it, but I can't escape needing to accommodate myself and skipping out on a lot of normal/fun experiences.

Quite a few people have been asking me why I'm not doing a PhD and well, there it is. I'd need so many accommodations that it really isn't realistic. I'm not cut-out for that workload.

So here I am, listening to ASMR for some hours lying under a blanket on my carpet. Lucky that I can do something like that. Worrying a bit about how I'm going to cope without exercizing, since I found out that I injured myself last week. Ironically, I injured myself while doing PT exercises..!

When I forced myself to go into work again last night, it was like a switch flipped and I was completely fine. I liked how it felt, that I could be functional in that moment, but it does also sound a bit like dissociation...

[vodkacheesefries]

Thought it would be fun to do an intro post for each of the three households I'll be rotating through in my historic sims file. Also told my buddy @schitzophrenicrainbows I would make one of these. It'll also help me keep things organized as I play the challenge since I'm committing details to writing.

Up first and beneath the cut, we have a little history dump and our Gladiators.

Gladiators initially started out as poorer people and slaves who were inscribed to fight and train in the gladiator schools, Ludus Magnus. Over time as people began to see the fame and honor that could be won in the arena, though it was more rare, people did start to voluntarily join these gladiator schools.

Due to the popularity of gladiator fights, and how pricey it got to train and house them, not every single gladiator fight was to the death for its contestants. (For the purpose of Finn's story/challenge rules, his fights will be.)

There's debate whether the infamous "thumbs down" actually meant the opponent HAD to die or not. It could have just meant they were disgraced and couldn't compete anymore, but I can't find definitive answers one way or the other, and the opinions I found on this often contradicted each other. (I could probably text my sister with three degrees all about ancient to medieval Italian/Roman history, but how do I explain to her I need to know for my Sims game lmaooo) All that said, gladiators often didn't live past their mid-twenties given the hazards of the job.

Gladiators were also sex symbols (do yourself a favor and look up ancient Roman graffiti. Humans are the same now as they were then lmao). Idk how much that'll play into my game but Finn does have to find a partner and have kids so the legacy continues but we'll get there when we get there.

Rana

Rana is the gladiator who has been at the Ludus Magna the longest. Her traits: Creative, Self Assured, Loyal.

She came from a wealthy merchant family, but the family business didn't interest her much. She left home when she was young to find herself and ended up finding the arena. She picked up sword fighting quickly and proved her aptitude for not only fighting, but teaching others to fight as well. These days she only competes occasionally, as she has proven herself invaluable in creating more gladiators.

She's hitting a point where the losses of her pupils, and more importantly friends, are starting to weigh on her. She likely isn't going to just be allowed to retire, though, so she has to figure something else out.

Apollo

Apollo named himself after a Greek God because he thinks he's hilarious. (This is debatable if you ask anyone who has spoken with him for more than five minutes.) He ended up at the Ludus Magnus due to his sense of humor; turns out a Senator doesn't like it when you make jokes about their philosophical ideas, even if they are stupid.

He doesn't enjoy the gladiator lifestyle much if he's being honest, and is counting down the days until his "voluntary" contract with the school is over so he can use what money he's won and travel the world like he's always wanted to. His self absorption is part him being young, and part it being a front for the fear he has of not living out his dreams and he wears it like a protective front. His friends know better, though.

(He also thinks Spartacus is cute, but he's certain Spartacus is going to stay a gladiator till he dies and that doesn't work with what he wants in the long run.)

His traits are: Loves the Outdoors, Self Absorbed, and Outgoing.

Spartacus

Disclaimer: I did not make Spartacus lmao. I was hitting create-a-sim burnout so I hit up the gallery to find someone else's Roman themed sim. Although I did make some minor changes to his wardrobe, added scars and swapped out a couple of his traits, which are: Athletic, Proper, Loner. I ended up keeping his name because while it's on the nose for a gladiator, it fits.

Spartacus is a former member of the Roman Legionnaires. He was released from his service due to an injury he sustained abroad. Once he had healed, he found civilian life to be difficult to adjust to, so he signed a contract with the Ludus Magnus. He's here for a good time, not a long time.

But lately, he's been spending more time with Apollo, and he's starting to change his mind. But surely someone as handsome as Apollo wouldn't be interested in someone who'd rather spend his time meditating than socializing at a party...

Finn

Finn's traits are: Athletic, Loyal, Ambitious

Finn knew the risks he was taking when he killed Antonius, but he doesn't regret it. He's now plotting his escape, and if his new found friends can survive, he'll bring them with him if they like. He really just wants to get back to Britain to what's left of his family and help them take back what is rightfully theirs and drive the Romans out.

By challenge rules, he has 10 fights to get through first. I also have to receive a silver medal or higher on at least 50 events, and I'll probably use his fights to accomplish at least 10 of those. (I've done six so far).

Will probably go over Laelius' household next along with the parts of the challenge they'll be completing, followed by his daughter's. Who I don't think I've posted so far.

Other households:

The Emperor's Family

The Frugi Household

[grison-in-space]

Okay, so: I've mentioned that I have service oriented tasks in mind for Matilda, but I haven't actually talked a bunch about what I'm aiming for. In part this is because one of the biggest things I would find supportive doesn't seem to be a Thing at the moment.

Generally speaking, I need an executive function support dog. I think I can make this happen without overtaxing my dog, but I'm getting stuck thinking about what I want to teach and how to chain it, so I'm going to think out loud for a minute.

So: autism, ADHD, constant masking, and an objectively stressful ten years in Texas (fire! flood! school stabbing! literal abandonment! we have them all!) has left me with some burnout problems. I dissociate a lot and I need to figure out how to train that as an alert, but especially in the evenings I tend to get stuck. Most of my coping techniques relied on either stores of energy I largely just don't have or on anxiety over consequences to serve as a motivator. While I can still do my job pretty well (thanks, hyperfocus!), I miss a lot of care opportunities (things like: consume lunch. Drink liquids. Take afternoon meds). And I can tune out anything at this point.

I have found that there's a distinct sensory component to this, though: visual and especially tactile stimuli work way better than auditory ones. It's just that there isn't really anything that can do a mix like that right now. I've rigged some things to help but it's not ideal, and I've passively/accidentally trained every previous dog I've had to sit outside flailing distance and subvocalize until I get up anyway; surely it should be possible to teach a dog to help with this. Say, by progressing from a touch or lick to a nose punch to crawling into my lap to lick my face on a timed cue.

By the way, friends, you lose shit in burnout. Learn from my mistakes; try to mask less, fuck. I have a lot of grief I'm still processing over things I did ten or fifteen years ago that I can't do today; my capacity is just so much lower than it used to be. I am on an upswing--the move helped a lot, just getting away from Texas, and the new job environment has been helpful, and so have some med adjustments... but I'm not as fast or as hard driving as I used to be, and there are some things I won't get back.

Anyway. Plans. Public access groundwork is actually not worrying me too badly at this stage: we're working on dog reactivity, foundations, and settling, and she sees enough weird places I'm not too concerned about now. But it's the tasking pieces I'm hung up on. I have thoughts, at least, for the dissociation alerts and grounding part of the problem: I know how I hold myself and how I don't move in certain ways when I'm dissociated, and "touch" shaped into licking my hand or nudging me is something I can use for that.

But what would be really helpful is setting alerts for Tilly to go into Pester Mode on a timer. I think I can use a phone timer for this, probably, although I would really like it if I could make Gcal notifications work as a cue to set timers to. I can use "human stands up" as my stop cue for the behavior, and the start cue is of course the timer itself. Once summoned by the timer, I know what I would like her to do.

I'm just sort of stuck on how to go about starting this. I do not want to invoke Pester Mode without the timer, and I would ideally like Pester Mode to be reliably turned off if I stand up. I do not want to trigger Pester Mode for anyone but me. I can think of like half a dozen ways this task could go hideously wrong.

It's just that it would be so helpful if I could program a bunch of very specific reminders based on my Gcal schedule and then have a stubborn little dog break any hyperfocus and help me transition into a new behavior at those periods. Unfortunately, now that Matilda is old enough to begin thinking about beginning to shape the beginnings of this, I find myself stuck. What would you do, dogblr?

[bella234567890]

Ok so I'm redoing this

Do you support the great rouge?

No i do not

Do you support religions?

Yes I'm a satanist and unless it isn't a bad one like the meowbahh religion I'll accept you

Do you support incest,grape,ectera?

No i do not if you respect that or say 'they deserves it' or any stuff like that I won't tolerate you here

I do mystery mind comics with @bookworm-octavia !!

Boundaries:

Do not send me any asks for donations here's a few reasons why

I have NO money to give you

I'm not a popular enough blog that I will give you any reach

I am a minor, and most of my followers are probably too

It makes me feel extremely guilty

They are always worded in a way that makes me feel like I am a murderer if I don't donate

It makes me feel uncomfortable

I said I don't want them, and my boundaries should be respected

I can't tell what is a bot and what isn't

I get a lot of spam from this. It is disappointing to see 10 new asks in my inbox just to be the same ask for donations over and over

No bad stuff like grape or threats it's not nice

Please don't make any inappropriate asks and or send any leaks of pictures of my real face and stuff like that

Respect everyone except people who agree to grape and stuff like that

Please don't be mad about stuff I post on my blog and or demand I post something I don't want to because this was a blog made for fun to post art and lore since all my friends already see it everyday

You can request art,sketches and art but only if your nice because demanding me to draw something will not help me work on it

Please understand if I don't post everyday I may either have a burnout or school is keeping me busy

Current wall of art(where artists can send me art and I'll post about it and pin it to the wall of art!):

Anyway that's all for now! The blog will continue as the time goes on!

[mischiefisme-amess]

Okay you know fucking what. I am so goddamn done with the mental health system rn and I cannot even begin to express how annoyed I am. No wait. Yes I fucking can. I probably already complained about this when it actually happened, but the results are upon me and I can't be bothered to try and find the fucking post I made.

So everyone and their mum has at this point heard the "Don't wait until your mental health deteriorates, get help the moment you know something is wrong!"- thing yelled from the bloody rooftops. And that's what I did. I did that, okay? I tried to get help. I went to my school psych like the good little bastard I am, for unrelated reasons at first which amounted to my teacher being a bitch, but I went anyway.

And in addition to getting the pardon from doing presentations that my teacher required, I mentioned my other problems. Like oh yea, there's autism in my family and also I don't feel real like half of the time :)))).

I cannot put all the blame on the psych, I think she did try. But what I didn't know then, is that I am a quite heavily masking person, as is common for afab people. I basically accidentally made her think all was okay automatically, while desperately trying to get help. And then there was like 3/4 year period where I did not know how to unmask at all I was trying to go through the diagnosis. Luckily, I got transferred to youth department of the mental health system. Lucky me.

I was trying to get help because I was getting more and more tired all the time to the point I skipped WEEKS worth of school at a time because I was so tired. I had to leave almost every class "to go to the bathroom", because I kept getting too overwhelmed and then dissociated. I told these professionals this, and they just gave me a sympathetic smile and told me it sucks and then gave me like a slip that lets me leave class to calm down if I want to and use headphones to not get overstimulated. I told them I have to swing for atleast an hour every day just daydreaming, or I'll feel horrible. They just went "well that's totally fine :D". NO IT ISN'T? I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR HOMEWORK?

Then they asked me what I wanted out of the diagnosis. I went "idk what I can get, I guess I just want to know if I have autism or if there's something else wrong with me?". What I needed was help with pretty fucking obvious incoming burnout, but I didn't know how to put that to words well enough I guess. I told them what was happening and guess what they fucking told me? GUESS. FUCKING. WHAT. They told me there are people who need help more than me and that I'm not getting a diagnosis because confirming it takes resources away from people who need help more than me.

...

They said that to my face. In my native tongue of course, but that is what they said. oh...

(That totally didn't make me cry for like 30min at my appointment in front of the psych. Totally didn't make me feel completely humiliated. Totally didn't make me feel like I was just seeking attention.)

I was trying to stop myself from burning out and they told me others have it worse. And then they first reduced my meetings. And then I aged out from the youth department and had to go back to my school psych. It was a different one now, actually changed again once. Now I had like a vague idea of how everything worked. I tried being more open and I tried so fucking hard to tell them what was going on. One of them said I should call a health center to try and kick up the diagnosis thing again. Cool okay yeah. Problem: calls are the one thing that makes me almost as uncomfortable as holding presentations.

It's been over half a year. I graduated. I'm so dissociated it makes me feel dizzy, my head hurt and my vision blurr. I daydream hours at a day, every chance I get I'm either engaging in an activity, or actively daydreaming. The second I stop doing something I'm just gone.

Fucking thanks a lot.

I really should call, but I can't bring myself to do it.

great.

[piratekane]

How do you stop yourself from burnout working in education? I’ve only been qualified for 3 years but i am so burned out already. I love teaching and i love the kids, and i feel so guilty for being tired. But i have been working 60 hour weeks, only being paid for 36 of them, constantly trying to deal with aprents and please the school, being expected to volunteer for sports clubs and activities for 2-3 hours a few times a week, weekend clubs, constant grading. It’s not the kid’s fault, it’s the system. I’m spending upwards of $300 on school supplies regularly because the school won’t, i have a 1h commute. Our school refuses to hire subs where possible so not only do i have my own kids and subjects to worry about i have someone else’s. The system is broken and i am broken by it. Is there a way to stop feeling this way?

Teacher burnout is for real. Teachers are underpaid, underfunded, and overworked and frankly, it's an epidemic. You should not feel guilty for being tired because what you're doing is exhausting work. It is a broken system and sadly, it doesn't look like much is going to change quick enough. And it's a loss. Because there are tons of teachers like you, who I'm sure are insanely talented, insanely devoted to furthering young minds, and you're being trapped behind bureaucratic lines that expect everything from you but give you nothing in return. (And don't get me started on the parents. There should be a course in 'How Not To Be An Asshole' that's mandatory.) It's okay to admit that a kid's love and admiration and growth isn't enough to keep you going some days. It's certainly not enough to keep on your lights or put gas in your car. Without you, children grow less. Without you, minds shrink. And yet... The system actively works against you, throwing roadblock after roadblock. And that? It fucking sucks.

I don't know you personally, but I'm going to assume that you care about your kids and you care about your work and if no one has said thank you today, thank you. Thank you for making and keeping those kids your priority. Thank you for putting so much of yourself into your work - no one just spends their personal money because they don't care. No one drives an hour each way because they don't give a shit. No one asks these kinds of questions because it doesn't mean a thing to them. So thank you. Thank you for all you've done and thank you for all you continue to do. You're someone's favorite teacher. You're probably more than just one kid's favorite teacher. You matter. Your district can suck it.

I wish I had some practical advice. I wish I could say "do yoga, go for a walk, go out with friends" and that would work. But the most I've got for you is this: take care of yourself. And maybe, sort of, I am saying do yoga. Because what you need to do is set time for yourself. What's that post about hope being a skill? Self-care is a skill. And you need to practice it daily. Read for yourself, even if it's just for 15 minutes. Pick up gardening or get some plants. (Plants helped me through that first long lock down period, I swear it on my life). We have a teacher at our school who was struggling hard and she saw that and said, I need to do something for me. She tackled our garden area and she's insistent it saved her life. It certainly saved her career - she was going to burn out quick and hot. But she put time into something that she could see and it totally changed her perspective. Pick a self-care practice where you can see progress, something tangible. Because it's nice to think, "I'm doing so well at self-care" and it's another to see the change. I personally find that more rewarding than the abstract. So pick something. Pick more than one thing. And in between the school day and the grading and eating (please, eat regularly and make sure there's some veggies in there), set aside some time to do something just for you. Watch yourself progress and know that if you were getting a grade in self-care, it'd be top marks. (But don't push it. Don't turn it into another thing you stress about. Pick something that feels good, that makes you want to get through A, B, and C so you can get to you-time.)

My other advice is to adopt a cat. That's always a game changer.