#the build up over the whole episode was done so incredibly well

[subtle-knife]

frothing at the mouth rn btw. the bear season two episode 6 is literally the best piece of television i’ve EVER fucking seen holy shit

[confused-pyramid]

Tell Me Some Things Last | s3

pairing: aaron hotchner x childhood bsf!reader

summary: Hotch and his childhood best friend working together at the BAU: a slow burn across the seasons.

word count: 23.1k

warnings: canon!typical violence, mentions of abuse, mentions of death, specific episodes mentioned in this part are 3x01, 3x02, 3x03, 3x06, 3x08, 3x09, 3x14, 3x16, 3x17, 3x19, and 3x20

a/n: season 3! The slow burn continues:) This was really fun to write, so I hope you enjoy it! (and I promise the chapters won't keep getting longer, this one just got out of hand LMAO) Title is from Heal by Tom Odell

series masterlist

"Excuse me?"

Section Chief Strauss doesn't falter. "You can't expect me to believe you think Agent Hotchner has done an effective job leading this unit."

"You can't expect me to believe that you think I'd willing spy on my unit chief for you."

She sighs and you want to throttle her. "Agent L/N, I know you two share a history, but this is bigger than that. People have died on his watch."

You have been trying to remain neutral since you were called into her office, but every word that comes out of her mouth makes you see red. Yes, this past year has been tough, but none of it was in his control.

"I think you know my answer," you say coldly, straightening your back in her chair. "I have to go, we have a case in Arizona."

She holds your gaze for a second, before nodding and turning back to her computer. You stand up and leave her office without another word, hastening your pace to a light jog the moment you're out of her line of sight.

You want to talk to Hotch as soon as possible, but by the time you get back to the bullpen, the whole team and their go-bags are gone. Grabbing your own bag, you rush over to the airstrip where everyone is settled inside the jet.

He glances up with a thin smile when you take a seat across from him, and you return it, not wanting to raise his concern when everyone is around.

The Flagstaff police meet you at the airport when you land, and everyone jumps into the awaiting SUVs to get to the crime scene as soon as possible.

The victim is another brunette woman on the college campus, but luckily her body was found after curfew, so students aren't milling around.

You step closer to examine the woman's body as JJ glances down at her hand. "She had her Mace out, but she didn't use it?"

Morgan nods, looking around. "And it's well-lit. He's not afraid of being seen."

A bus stop sign catches your attention and you turn to Detective Griffith. "How often do the shuttles run?"

He answers immediately. "Every 10 minutes."

"Were all the other victims posed like this?" Reid asks, bending over to get a better look. "With their arms crossed."

Griffith frowns. "Yeah. Why?"

"It's a classic sign of remorse," Morgan responds, stepping in to take over the explanation. "The unsub kills the victim then immediately feels bad about it, so he poses them like this, so they'll rest in peace."

"You can tell that just by the arms?"

"It's why you called us here. To build a psychological profile of your killer."

After inspecting the crime scene, Gideon and Morgan leave to talk to the dean of the school, and JJ and Reid go to meet with the students living in the victim's dorm. Hotch is still back at the station, and you haven't gotten a chance to talk to him since meeting with Strauss, but you push it out of your mind as you accompany Emily to the coroner's office.

You're so lost in thought that the drive over is entirely silent, and it's not until you've parked that you realize she didn't say a word either.

When the coroner leads you to the victim's body, you notice how much clearer each of the markings and cuts are. Hotch doesn't assign you to speak with the coroners very often, usually sending Prentiss, because of her incredible attention to detail, but not that you're here, you appreciate the second chance to examine the victim.

"Did the other victims have this much overkill?" she asks, pulling out her camera as you flip open your notebook.

"Death was caused by a single, very forceful stab wound to the heart," the coroner confirms.

You lean in closer to see the insertion point and notice the lumpy discoloring on the victim's chest. "Yeah, it looks like he broke through the breastbone."

"And after that he just lashed out at random," he adds.

Emily hums in agreement before snapping a couple of photos. "Well, no defensive wounds. She didn't even hold her hands up to fight him off."

"The first two victims were the same."

A shudder runs through you as the two of you leave the cold room and emerge into the warm sunlight. "Why is it almost harder to look at the victims when they're cleaned up and no longer covered in blood?"

Emily considers your question for a moment. "Maybe it's because they look less human that way."

You remember Jeff's funeral, how lifeless he seemed in his casket, and how you could barely look at him during the proceedings. It was somehow worse than seeing him at the crime scene, blood everywhere. At least then, you could still see the warmth in his skin. Later, he just looked cold.

"I think you're right," you tell her just as her phone chirps with a call.

She stiffens imperceptibly when she sees the number, but you only notice because of how hyper-vigilant you have been about your own tells since speaking with Strauss. "I need to take this. Give me a second."

She walks away from you and answers the call, her tone hushed so that you can't hear her. You know it could easily just be a personal call about something private in her life, but there's something almost familiar about the look in her eyes when she saw the number.

"Everything okay?" you ask her when she returns, but she just sighs and starts walking to the SUV. "It's nothing."

You haven't known her for as long as the other members of the team, but it's not hard to tell that she's hiding something. She looks distracted as she avoids making eye contact, and when you remember how you did the same with Hotch on the plane, the pieces fall into place.

If Strauss gave her the same assignment she tried to give you, then you need to keep an eye on her. You don't believe that she would sell out the team, but you also know how terrifying you thought Strauss was when you first joined the bureau.

***

The profile leads you to take Nathan Tubbs, one of the campus security guards, into custody, and while Gideon interrogates him, you walk with Reid, JJ, and Emily through the quad to get back to the station.

"Everyone is so much younger than I remember being," JJ says, as you all pass through a crowded part of campus. Word must have spread that the team arrested someone, because you can't imagine why else there would be so many students hanging outside after dark.

"Yeah, it's a weird age," Emily chuckles. "You want to be treated like an adult, but you're still used to someone else solving your problems for you."

"All I remember is trying to figure out who I was."

That makes you laugh. "I had no idea what I wanted to do when I was in college."

"Didn't you go to college with Hotch?" JJ asks, her eyes twinkling. You expect she's hoping for an embarrassing, or at least interesting, story from those years, but your past with him feels almost like sacred territory: something you can't breach when he's not around.

"Not college," you correct, "just everything else before and after."

"What was he like then?" Emily asks, genuine curiosity in her tone. You still can't believe that she would spy for Strauss, but you also can't help your suspicions.

"He was completely different, but also the same." You smile as you think back to the early years of your friendship. "He was kind of a cool kid in high school, but he was just as focused and determined as he is now."

"Hotch was popular?" Reid asks in disbelief.

JJ snorts. "Why can't I imagine that at all."

"He was trustworthy," you shrug, "and kind. Even when people weren't kind to him."

The three of them go silent, and you suddenly feel extremely self-conscious, but you're saved when your phone rings with a call from Derek. "Hey."

"There's been another murder."

***

The case ends in a murder-suicide that a part of you believes Gideon should've seen coming. JJ calls the jet to take off at first light, and everyone looks exhausted when you arrive at the airport. You sleep most of the flight back, but when you step into the field office again, you know you can't ignore the talk you've been avoiding all day.

You go to his office in the hopes of having this conversation privately, but he isn't inside when you look through the open door. You turn back with a frown and are about to head down the stairs again when you see him leaving Strauss's office across the hall.

He spots you immediately, and before you can say anything, he says, "I just got suspended."

Your mouth falls open. "What?"

"Two weeks."

You blanche as you follow him into his office, where he immediately starts packing up his essentials into his briefcase. "Hotch...I have to tell you something. Something I should have mentioned yesterday."

"What is it?" he asks, his voice slightly distracted.

"StraussaskedmetospyonyouandIthinkshealsoaskedEmily!"

He blinks. "Can you say that again?"

You press your lips together, before trying again, slower this time. "Strauss asked me to spy on you, and I think she also asked Emily."

He closes his eyes for a beat, but it feels like years. You can feel the disappointment wafting off of him, but he doesn't say anything, giving you the time to explain in more detail.

"She asked me right before we flew to Arizona," you tell him, your chest aching at the defeated look on his face. "I told her I wouldn't do it, of course, and that you are the perfect leader for this team. But I was watching Emily the whole time we were there, and I think Strauss might have threatened her or made her some kind of offer."

His hands pause their packing and for a moment, you're worried that he's going to be angry you didn't come to him sooner, but then he just sighs, a deeply dejected sound. "I figured she would. It's basically in the FBI playbook."

"You knew?" you say, your voice almost like a gasp.

"I didn't know for sure," he amends, "but I believed so. And I'm usually right about these kinds of things. Anyway, it doesn't matter now. You guys will be fine without me."

You want to shake him; to reach forward and rattle his shoulders until he realizes that this is it. This is exactly why he makes such a great unit chief.

He doesn't get angry, even when he may have cause to be. He trusts his team so wholeheartedly that even under the suspicion of spying to the higher-ups, he still treats everyone the same. He puts the team above himself in almost every aspect, and the intermittent calls you get from Haley when you're in the middle of a long case prove that it may be to his own detriment, but he still does it. Because he cares so deeply, about each of you, and about each victim, and about catching each killer.

"We need you," you say, emphasizing your words as though that will make him understand you better.

"Morgan and Prentiss will be fine," he says pointedly, as though trying to prove a point. "I'm sure they'll even be better off. And Reid and JJ can look to you for guidance. It's practically what they do already."

"Fine," you sigh, throwing your hands up in exasperation. "They'll be okay. But what if I need you?"

He looks at you then, and there's a sadness behind the stern set of his eyes. "You'll be okay."

***

You have to drag yourself out of the house the next morning. The knowledge that Hotch (and most likely Gideon) won't be at the office sucks the motivation out of you, especially because you have no idea what will happen once the team is given another case. Will they assign you a new unit chief? Will they temporarily promote someone on the team?

You push your questions out of your mind as you mindlessly get through security and flop down at your desk. There's a palpable difference with half the team gone, especially since Emily doesn't seem to be anywhere in sight either, and the emptiness of the office somehow feels more claustrophobic.

You finished all of your paperwork the night before, because you couldn't sleep after hearing of Hotch's suspension, so sitting at your desk now, you have nothing to do until a new case arrives.

Reid and Morgan dive into their own paperwork the minute they sit down, and they don't look up except to grab a new pen or refill their mugs.

You can see the tension lining everyone's shoulders, the stress about the future of this team, with its two senior-most members gone.

When you can't take the lack of work anymore, you head over to JJ's office, where she is poring over a stack of case files so tall that you can't see her face until you step in front of her desk. "Hey, JJ."

"Oh, hey," she says, looking up at you. "It's been really quiet out there."

You nod, dropping onto the sofa across from her. "Half the team's gone. It doesn't feel the same."

"I wish I could come out there and sit with you guys, but I have so many new case files to look over."

"Need any help?"

She looks up in surprise. "Actually, that would be great. Can I leave you with a few of them? There's a checklist for what I need you to note down at the top of that stack."

"Of course," you say before she hands you a thick stack of files. "I'll get them back to you soon."

"Take your time," she says, waving you away. "I have like a billion more to go through anyway."

When you're back at your desk, you set down the stack with a small thud and open the first file. You're bombarded with gory images of men who have been brutally stabbed to death, and you read over the case history quickly before opening the next one. This time, the images are of live women, all of whom share a skin tone and hair color, and have been kidnapped in the last week.

You slam the file shut and close your eyes in an effort to keep your head from spinning. You don't understand how anyone could classify these cases. How they could decide that one of these unsubs is worse than another. But there aren't enough teams like yours to cover every case that comes through the door, so someone has to.

You glance up at Hotch's office again, a force of habit, and the darkness in his doorway reminds you of the emptiness in the office. It's the same with Gideon's office, and Emily's desk.

You miss them all.

***

The first week of Hotch's suspension is hell. Gideon still hasn't turned up, and you can see his absence clawing at Spencer, who hasn't gone more than an hour without glancing at his office since he left. Derek doesn't admit it, but you can tell he misses Hotch's leadership over the team.

Strauss has come by periodically to "check in" on your team's work, but with the other units available to take on any new cases, she hasn't assigned you anything. You know she doesn't trust your team, but you're surprised that even with Hotch gone, she's still treating all of you like extensions of him. Not that she's wrong about that.

Without getting called in, you stay at home for the first few days, and even get some use out of your Peloton for once. You've been missing him all week, but it's not until the following Monday that you decide to actually do something about it.

Grabbing the files JJ gave you to look over, you stuff them in your bag and drive up to his house. Both cars are in the driveway when you arrive, and you belatedly realize that you should have called first.

You knock on the door hesitantly, and are surprised to see Jack in Haley's arms when she opens the door. She looks excited to see you, but you still feel bad about just showing up. "I'm sorry, I should have called."

"Not at all," she says, opening the door wider for you to enter. "You know I love seeing you."

"Y/N's here," Haley announces as she leads you into the kitchen and sets Jack back into his high chair. She shoots you a pointed look. "And she's not here to talk about work."

"Of course not," you say with a laugh. "I just wanted to see how the suspension was going. The team really misses you."

He acknowledges you with a small nod, and you take a seat opposite him at the table, where he is feeding Jack his cereal.

"I miss everyone, too," he says, "but it's also been nice to have some extra time at home."

"This suspension has been a blessing in disguise," Haley jumps in, ruffling Jack's hair. You don't miss the way Hotch's jaw twitches.

You aren't sure what to say to that, but Haley just pulls Jack out of his chair and turns to the doorway. "I'm gonna put him down for his nap. It was nice seeing you, Y/N."

"You too, Hales," you say earnestly, before smiling at Jack. "Bye, buddy."

When she's out of the room, you shoot Hotch a look that makes him lean back with a frown. "What?"

"You miss work, don't you."

He huffs, and you take that as an admission. "I've loved being home," he says, his words slightly more emphasized than necessary.

You can hear the candor in his voice. You don't doubt that he loves spending time with his family, you just also know the pull of the job. The fulfillment of saving people from unimaginable horrors, and the desolate ache that comes when you know you aren't doing everything you can.

"You can feel both things," you whisper as he exasperatedly runs his hand through his hair. He got a haircut.

The thought pops into your head against your will, and you glance up at his hair as you realize this is the shortest it's been in a long time. It suits him, but it also emphasizes the hard furrow of his brow.

"Haley doesn't understand that," he says simply, no ill intention in his tone, "but I can't expect her to. I barely understand it, and it's what I'm feeling."

To the outside listener, his words could be construed as complaints, but there's nothing but deep empathy in his voice. He loves her so much, and even though they're having differences about his work life, she loves him too.

You spend the next half hour talking him through each of the cases that JJ left you with, and when Haley returns to the kitchen after putting Jack down for his nap, you pull out a chair for her and tuck the files away.

"We need to have you over for dinner sometime soon," she says as soon as she takes a seat. "I can't believe we haven't done it yet." She looks to Hotch with an earnest sigh. "I guess Jack has been kind of a handful, but I can't believe this is your first time coming to the house since he was born."

"It's been too long," he agrees, draping an arm over the back of her chair. The sight of their casual intimacy is a reminder of what you once had, but the usual mistiness doesn't come when you think about Jeff. Your chest just fills with a liquid-y warmth that feels like melted chocolate and syrup.

"Likewise," you smile, patting Haley's hand. "I don't know if I can handle another night out, even with the mid-evening interruption."

She laughs heartily, and you see Hotch's lips curve up involuntarily. "I think I'm partied out for the year."

His arm slips down to rest against her waist, but she doesn't lean into him like she usually does. You avert your eyes, glancing up at their kitchen wall clock and faking a gasp. "I've taken up too much of your family time. I should go."

"It's okay," Hotch assuages at the same time that Haley says, "I'll walk you out."

They share a small glance, and you suddenly feel intrusive in their home. "I'll see you in a week."

He nods and you follow Haley to the door, where she gives you a quick squeeze and another promise to have you over for dinner soon. The sun starts to set as you drive home, and before you can second guess yourself, you're turning into a local farmer's market that is about to shut down for the night.

You rush through the stalls and stop in front of the flower shop, where you buy a dozen pink carnations. The vendor ties the bouquet with a silky ribbon and you hold the flowers close to your heart as you walk back to your car and start driving.

This time, you're more aware of the direction you're headed. You don't stop your car until you're in the parking lot and you don't stop moving until you're past the front gates and up the grassy hill where Jeff's headstone sits stoically under the waning sunlight.

You take a deep breath as you sink down to your knees, blissfully unaware of the grass stains coloring your slacks. You set the flowers down in front of his headstone, which you haven't seen in months.

                                                 Jeff Adler

                               Beloved Son, Husband, Brother

                                        Until we meet again

The carnations look bright against the gray stone, and you arrange them neatly so that they don't get blown away.

He loved flowers. He knew they were impermanent and likely a waste of money, but he still loved all of the different emotions they symbolized, and how beautiful they could be for as long as they lasted.

He brought you a bouquet of heliotrope almost every week after you got married, and when you asked him what it meant, he insisted that it was something you had to find out in your own time. That time came a quick Google search later, and when the words 'eternal love' flashed on your screen, you knew you had picked the right man.

You brush your finger against the petals of the pink carnations you brought, remembering the rest of what the search yielded. Angelica for inspiration, calla lily for beauty, and pink carnation for gratitude.

You're so grateful you met him. So grateful he loved you as much as you loved him.

"I love you," you whisper, suddenly needing to say the words out loud. There's no one around, and the sun has set far enough that there's barely enough light to see, but your words feel strong as they come out of your mouth. "Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for giving me 10 beautiful years."

You wipe away the tear that falls from the corner of your eye. "Goodbye."

***

He takes his time as he walks through the halls of the Virginia field office on Monday morning. He hasn't been inside in two weeks, and after he and Haley agreed that he should request a transfer, he likely won't be back again for a very long time.

When he walks past the glass doors of the bullpen, he spots you at your desk, pointing out something to Morgan in a case file. He hastens his pace so you don't see him. He still doesn't know how to tell you that he isn't coming back.

"Good morning, ma'am," he says when Strauss beckons him into her office.

"I was hoping you'd do the right thing," she says, her lips pressed into a thin line. "Have you given any thought to what department you'll request?"

He shakes his head. "I was under the impression that if I left the BAU, I'd have my choice of posts."

"Well, I'll consider it after I fully complete my investigation."

She pauses before looking at him again. "You were a prosecutor. What about heading up a white-collar crime task force? That'll get you home at night at a reasonable hour."

That sounds like exactly what Haley wants for them. They spent hours over the last week discussing what the best path forward would be post-suspension, and after countless late-night arguments, they finally agreed on a transfer. It would be best for the team, and best for his family. So why does he feel so guilty?

"Sorry to interrupt."

Prentiss barges into the office, as though she had an appointment. She glances over at him, and he can't read her expression. "Sir, I've decided to resign from the FBI, effective immediately."

"I don't understand," he frowns, taking in her rigid posture. He remembers your suspicions, as well as his own, but this can't be where it ends.

"I'm taking the foreign service exam. With my connections, I'd stand a good chance of landing in the State Department."

"Prentiss," he urges, trying to convey his understanding in his tone. "I think that's a mistake."

She shakes her head with a sigh. "Well, don't try to talk me out of it. Garcia saw my name on the list, and she already tried."

That makes him pause. "If she can't talk someone out of doing something, no one can."

"Sorry for the interruption, but, sir, it's good to see you back." She turns her gaze to Strauss, even as she continues speaking to him. "The team needs you."

She stalks out of the room after a quick "Ma'am", leaving him alone with Strauss, who looks like she's up to her last nerve. "I'll be overseeing this next case until I can assign your replacement."

"You don't have any field experience, do you?" He doesn't mean for the words to come out so critically, but his emotions are a jumbled mess that he can't decipher well enough to fix his mood right now.

"My job is to protect the Bureau. If I have to hold the team's hand for one case, so be it."

Hold the team's hand. He can't imagine that Strauss will be of much help in the field, but he keeps his mouth shut. He's been around enough authority figures to know when to keep his criticisms to himself.

"Ma'am," he says gently, hoping he can turn his thoughts into useful advice. "In order to function effectively, this team needs stability."

She clasps her hands together on her desk, and he knows it's done. There's nothing he can do to fix this for the team, at least not on this case. "The BAU has some very talented people, and they're Bureau assets, and I believe it's time that they were out from underneath the leadership of you and Jason Gideon."

***

Hotch was supposed to come back today. It's not until you're on the plane that Derek informs the team that he's requesting a transfer.

"What?" you burst out, unable to keep your composure even with Strauss seated a few rows behind you.

"He didn't tell you?"

You shake your head with a forlorn frown, and Derek jumps back in quickly to remediate the situation. "I only found out because I ran into him on the way to the jet. He didn't seem like he was in the mood for talking."

But he tells you everything. At least you thought he did.

"It's okay," you say, forcing your face into a neutral expression. "This isn't about me. I just can't believe he's leaving."

"Yeah," JJ grimaces, "and I can't believe we're stuck with her now. You know, from this angle, she looks almost human."

You all glance behind you, but thankfully, her face is still buried in the case file.

"Emily didn't come in today, either," you point out, turning to the empty seat next to you. "We're down two agents, and Gideon's MIA."

Reid blinks, and you curse yourself for being so cavalier. You know how hard Gideon's absence has been on him.

He recovers quickly and leans in to the center console with a raised eyebrow. "Has Strauss ever even been out of the-"

A chorus of shushes come from Derek and JJ and he shuts up as Strauss walks down the aisle and sits across from you all. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it's protocol to brief everyone before we arrive at the crime scene?"

JJ turns red and she nods hastily, opening her file. "Yes, ma'am."

Strauss has only been here for ten minutes and you already want to strangle her. JJ explains the case details succinctly, and when the plane lands, you all head over to the crime scene to find Detective Wolynski, who called your team in when the murders got out of hand.

Within minutes of meeting them, Strauss manages to ruin your relationship with the local police by questioning their decision to wait so long to call in the BAU. JJ immediately takes matters into her own hands as she explains that we have to work with them if we want to be included in the investigation at all, but she doesn't seem to care.

You get a call from Penelope as you're heading back to the SUVs, and you step aside to get out of Strauss's earshot. "What's up, Pen?"

"I tried everything I could," she wails. You can hear the distinct clicking of her keyboard in the background. "I tried to convince him to stay, but he's so stubborn."

You sigh, glancing over at the scene, where Strauss looks positively nauseous. You can empathize with her emotions, because you know how hard it was for you to see your first crime scene in person, but this just further proves how unfit she is to understand what being on this team really means. "If he made up his mind, there's gonna be no changing it, unless he changes it himself."

She huffs, before audibly perking up. "I gave him the Milwaukee case file before he went home, and I also, uh, saw that his transfer hasn't passed through the system yet."

You're almost certain she had something to do with that, but your mind immediately starts going through the possibilities of what this could mean. If his transfer isn't in the system, then that means he technically still works on this team...which means him not being here is in dereliction of duty. If there's anything that can convince Hotch to show up, it's duty.

"You've been more help than you know," you tell her, before hanging up and hopping into the SUV.

***

When he arrived at his house with the case file Garcia gave him, he immediately stuffed it in his bag and tossed it onto the floor. He definitely didn't think about reading it the entire time he was changing out of his suit, and making a quick lunch for Haley and himself. When she went upstairs to put Jack down for his nap, he couldn't help himself any longer.

Reaching into his bag, he pulls out the file and flips it open slowly, being careful to angle the gruesome photos away from the stairs in case Haley came down without him noticing. Women taken in the afternoons and killed. Bodies dumped in the morning. Hearts cut out of their chests. The words pop out at him as he skims the page, and he's so engrossed in the material that he doesn't hear her until she's standing over him. "I thought this was over."

"It is," he sighs, closing the file. "I'm just curious." He doesn't know when he started lying to his wife, but he doesn't like it. The bitter taste of it in his mouth.

He can see her gearing up for a fight when their home phone rings. He picks it up and clicks the button to answer, but even after saying 'hello' a couple of times, no one responds. For a split second, his mind flashes back a year to the Fisher King and the secret message left on his home phone, but he pushes the thought away.

He clicks the phone off, looking up at Haley again, but then a shrill ringing sound starts again, this time from her purse across the living room.

An unfamiliar queasiness fills his stomach, and he maintains eye contact with her as her eyes flicker back and forth a couple of times. He promised himself he would never profile his family, but the analyses come before he can shut off that part of his brain. Shifting eyes. Rigid posture. All indications of lying and shame.

"What did the Section Chief say?" she asks, her hands going to her hips. Stance of power to overcompensate for-

He shakes the line of thinking from his head. "She suggested that I transfer to a white-collar-crime task force."

"Would you have to travel?"

"No, I'd have a nine-to-five life."

She nods, and he can see the finality in her stance. "Then, it's a no-brainer."

***

You haven't been able to focus as well as you'd like to with the knowledge that Hotch isn't coming back hanging over your head. When you get a spare moment at the station, you step out of the conference room where all of the evidence has been scattered around and press the first number on your speed dial.

"Hello?" It's Haley.

You stumble over your words as you say 'hello' back. You weren't expecting it to be her who answered. She clearly wasn't expecting you either, because she sighs dramatically when she hears your voice and you hear a quiet "It's Y/N" before the phone is handed over.

You can understand where she's coming from. When Jeff was about to start his undercover assignment, you were so angry at him for choosing to be away from you for so long. But then rationality won over, and you remembered why he was doing it...for the same reason you are.

"Hey."

He sounds guilty. You can imagine.

"Hey," you say simply, waiting for him to fill in the gaps. He owes you at least that much.

"I'm sorry," he says after a long pause, "but you knew this was coming. You know Haley hates what this job turns me into, and you know sometimes I hate it too."

That wasn't really the explanation you were expecting. Not willing to let him off the hook, you turn your face away from the conference room windows to hide your expression and lower your voice. "You should have told me, and you know it. That's why you're hiding behind this false justification...but I guess you know that too."

There's a small rustling sound over the receiver and you can imagine him running his hands through his newly cropped hair. "This doesn't change the fact that I'm leaving."

Sometimes you forget that he was once a young boy with an alarmingly developed moral compass that didn't always point in your direction. It's times like this that remind you.

"Fine." You feel like an irritable teenager again, but you can't contain yourself around him. Even when you want to hide a part of yourself, you can't.

"How's the case going?" he asks finally. His voice has gotten softer and you know he feels bad about how this call has been going, but with neither of you willing to concede, you decide to ignore it for now.

"Well, Strauss just offended the lead detective 45 seconds into her first crime scene."

He chuckles softly. "I'm not surprised."

"This isn't about to get any better, is it?" you ask, huffing out a forlorn sigh.

"I doubt it," he agrees. "I'll keep looking at the file from my end. Any idea how he's getting control of these women? Is he blitzing them or coercing them?"

"So far, we're coming up blank," you admit, glancing back at Morgan and Reid, who appear to be in a productive debate.

"All right. Keep me posted."

***

Another victim turns up and you're not any closer to figuring out who the unsub is. Derek steps away from the group a few minutes after you and you see him pacing the halls of the precinct, his phone pressed to his ear.

A break in the case comes when Garcia identifies school records of children who exhibit signs of perfectionism and co-dependence, leading you to a profile for the unsub. You're all listening to Garcia as she reads off the records when the door opens, with two figures standing in the entrance.

"Look who's here," Morgan grins, shaking Hotch's hand. Emily looks sheepish as she glances over at Strauss, who is downright fuming.

"How fast can you get us up to speed?" Hotch asks without another greeting.

Morgan scoffs. "How fast can you sit down?"

Strauss opens her mouth to say something, but Hotch beats her to it as he takes a seat next to you. You ignore the gesture. "We're only here to help."

She sighs. "We'll deal with this later."

With two more members back on the team, at least for the time being, the SUVs are split more evenly, and you join Emily, JJ, and Strauss in the first one as you head to the crime scene. Strauss is the first one to walk up to the scene, but the moment she sees the mangled body, she breaks down, her face contorting into a sob that she tries and fails to hold in.

You make a move to go and help her, but you're surprised when Hotch is the first to step in. "If you need a second, take a second. This is what it is. Just don't let the public see you break down."

He's so kind to her, even though she's the reason for all of his professional stress. You suppose she's not the only reason, but that isn't something you get to have an opinion on.

The devolution of the dump sites leads to an update of the profile, which gets you an address for a young boy who left school early with the nurse on duty. It doesn't take long to get to the house, and Derek and JJ coordinate some of the local police and SWAT as you strap on your kevlar vests.

After an initial argument about the probable cause of entering a house you don't know is dangerous, Emily pipes up with an idea. "Let me go in alone."

"Wait..." you start but she steamrolls over you, clearly needing to compensate for not being here before. "The boy's in the family room. He's looking for female authority figures. If he lets me in, I can signal as soon as I see anything that gives us cause."

"Technically, you're not even in the FBI," Reid points out.

She nods. "All the better."

Strauss steps in with a frown, to no one's surprise. "She's interfering with a federal investigation."

"Well, if I'm no longer in the FBI, then you have no authority over me." Emily shrugs and turns to Hotch for the approval she actually wants. "I'm just a civilian knocking on a little boy's door."

He nods and she pulls her hair back into a ponytail. Derek hands her his gun, and you suddenly remember that Hotch doesn't have his gun either. Reaching into your other side holster, you pull out your second firearm and hand it to him without a word. He doesn't lift his hand at first, but then he nods at you and takes the gun, his eyes filled with an earnest gratitude, and you know you've forgiven him.

Once she goes inside, you all wait in silence for the signal to breach the home. It takes almost too long, but eventually your earpieces fill with a loud beeping, and Derek yells "Go!"

You find her in a back room, where she's on the floor, her forehead bleeding from a thick gash. You enter just in time to see Hotch leap forward and take Emily's weapon from the little boy, before lifting him up and carrying him out of the house.

"I can't officially approve of how that transpired," Strauss says when you all come outside. You sit next to Emily and squeeze her hand as the paramedics patch up her forehead.

Hotch shakes his head, clearly done with the bureau politics. "The arrest was clean. It would be a mistake to break up this team."

She looks at him pointedly. "None of you will ever move up the chain of command, you know that."

"Why would I ever want to leave the BAU?"

You almost believe him. It's not that you don't think he wants to stay. You know he does. You just also know how much his family means to him, and how thin Haley's patience has worn.

Morgan asks if he means it, and he gives a vague answer that you expect, before turning to look at you.

"Here." He reaches into his waistband and pulls out your gun. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

His hand brushes yours when you take it back, and the warmth of his skin makes you shiver against the slight breeze. "You're welcome."

***

When he gets home, the lights are off.

"Haley?" he calls out into the empty silence. He tries to convince himself that he didn't see this coming, but after her last words to him before he left, it's a futile exercise.

"Make sure to give your son a kiss before you leave."

He left, even when she begged him not to. Now his wife has left, and she took their son with her, and once again, he is utterly alone.

***

Gideon's resignation comes through and you find yourself missing him more than you thought you would. If Hotch is the backbone of the team, he was the stoic foundation. He formed the roots of the BAU as a unit altogether, and you owe your life's work to his intelligence and foresight. But more than that, you can't help but remember the fact that out of all the members on the team, Gideon knew Jeff the best.

He attended countless lectures about past unsubs that Gideon put on at the academy, because he believed understanding why people do things was just as important as knowing how or what they were doing. He even went to Gideon's home for the occasional dinner, and he brought you along once after you got married.

You're not sure what the team will look like without his guiding hand, but you don't have to wait long to find out when JJ calls you with the notice that you're going to Portland.

Spencer is reading a piece of paper over and over again when you get to the office, and when you peek over his shoulder, you see the familiar scrawl of Gideon's handwriting.

Taking a deep breath, you reach forward to put your hand on his shoulder for a moment of comfort, but think better of it and pull back at the last second. Derek sees your indecision and cocks his head towards him.

You walk over to his desk and perch on its edge with a sigh. "I can't believe he would leave just like that."

"I can," Morgan shrugs, his eyes hard with contempt. When you shoot him a look, he softens. "I just mean that he's been showing signs of withdrawal for a while now. It still sucks for the kid, though."

You both look up at Reid across the aisle, where he is still scanning the letter. "At least he got a letter." You try to bring humor into your tone, but it doesn't work.

"It's not about us," Derek says gently, in a show of empathy for the older agent that is unfamiliar coming from him. "He did what he had to do to keep himself sane. We just have to let him."

You nod, just as JJ emerges from the hallway with Hotch on her heels. "We're starting the briefing."

***

"You must be the BAU."

A handsome man with a thick East Coast accent comes forward to introduce himself when you all enter the Portland field office. "Special Agent Bill Calvert."

"Hi, Jennifer Jareau," JJ smiles, extending her hand. "This is SSA Aaron Hotchner. This is Dr. Reid and Agents Morgan, Prentiss and L/N."

He smiles at each of you but his eyes linger on yours for a moment before he takes JJ's hand. "I appreciate your help on this case."

"You're from Boston?" you ask, trying to place his accent after having heard nothing like it since you landed. 

"The accent's kind of hard to miss in Oregon, right?" he grins, before reaching his hand out to you. "Agent L/N, was it?"

You shake his hand, shooting him a thin smile. You can already see Emily and JJ's smirks behind your back.

"We'd like to take a look around Jenny Wittman's apartment," Hotch steps in, moving forward to stand beside you.

Calvert nods. "I'd take you myself, but I'm waiting to meet her family, so I'll have another agent drive you."

"Thank you." Hotch rushes off with Reid and Morgan, and you stay back with JJ and Prentiss to work the victimology.

"Can we set up in here?" you ask Calvert as you start moving the boxes of case files and evidence onto the conference room table.

"Of course," he says, before leaving the three of you alone.

The first ten minutes of looking through the evidence is silent, and for a second, you nearly let yourself believe the other women won't bring up the elephant in the room, but then JJ lets out an involuntary giggle and they pounce.

"He's definitely into you," she says, making no effort to hide her gaze as she unabashedly stares at Calvert through the window. You want to retort immediately, but after seeing her check her phone about a dozen more times a day than she usually does, you suspect she may actually know what she's talking about when it comes to love these days.

Emily nods, biting her lip. "He couldn't stop looking at you."

"You're profilers," you argue, tossing the file in your hand onto the table. "You notice all kinds of insignificant stuff."

"So are you," JJ points out. "What do you think, then?"

They have you boxed in, and you can't think of any answer that would sufficiently appease them so you just groan.

"She's into it, too," JJ grins at Emily, who replies with, "I can't believe Y/N's gonna date someone from Portland."

Without thinking, you huff. "He's from Boston." All three pairs of eyes widen as you realize your slip in not denying her statement.

Emily laughs. "Ohh, it's so happening!"

***

When the men return from Jenny Wittman's apartment, Hotch instructs JJ to televise a statement warning possible future victims who fit the unsub's victimology. When Emily and Derek later find an ad hung up in a local laundromat that suggests he's been killing for longer than you'd previously thought, you decide to head back to the trail where the first bodies were found.

When you arrive on the scene, a dozen new bodies have been found further down the trail and near the water.

"How did we miss this before?" you think out loud, not realizing that Calvert has come up behind you.

"The trail's 40 miles long."

You jump when you hear his voice, and he apologizes after a small chuckle. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"Special Agent Calvert," you say, your voice slightly airy as you catch your breath. "No need to apologize."

"Okay," he smiles, turning to stand in front of you, "and you can call me Bill."

He's a good looking man, and you don't dislike the feeling of someone showing interest in you, especially as clearly intelligent and qualified as him.

"Sure," you say, returning the smile. "I'm Y/N, btw."

"That's a pretty name," he says, his eyes glinting with mischievousness, before he turns back to the scene before you. "They dug up eight new graves before you got here."

You frown. "So the unsub didn't stick to the pattern."

"Guy had a busy year."

You nod, pondering what this change in M.O. could mean, when Bill interrupts your thoughts. "I'm interested to hear more about how this profiling thing goes."

You give him a quizzical smile, and his lips quirk up. "I took a class in criminal psychology in college, but I don't remember enough to be useful in this area."

"We observe human behavior," you explain, ignoring the subtle smirk Emily is flashing you from behind his back. "Profiling is about making connections and predicting future actions based on history, victimology, and behavior."

He takes a moment to digest your words before huffing out a laugh. "Sounds to me like we called in the right team."

When another agent comes by to ask him about the crime scene procedure, you take your leave and walk up the hill of mulch by the open graves. You are nearly to the SUV when you spot Morgan beelining towards you.

"Not you too," you sigh, rolling your eyes dramatically as you stalk away from him.

He catches up to you easily and throws an arm over your shoulders with a grin. "I'm not gonna give you the giggly girl talk that JJ and Prentiss clearly have covered. I just wanted to say one thing."

You look at him expectantly and he brings you both to a stop by the cars. "You're a catch, L/N." You start to roll your eyes again, but he shakes his head. "You are, so if you want to have a little no-strings-fun, then I'll have your back through and through."

You have no idea what no-strings-fun would look like, but you glance back at Bill, who is speaking animatedly with another agent about the change in digging patterns of the graves.

"I don't know what I want," you admit as Derek drops his arm and turns to face you.

"That's okay," he says, before the corner of his mouth quirks up into a smirk. "But figuring that out can be just as much fun too."

***

He would be lying if he said he hasn't noticed you talking to the Special Agent on the case. Calvert, he remembers as he thinks back to the capture and subsequent suicide of the unsub from the roof of his old therapist office.

They were able to find the final victim before she died, so even with the unsub's death, the case feels like a victory, and the whole team looks light on the way back to the jet.

He has been trying to keep himself light too, but every time he gets a moment to himself, his mind reverts back to the silent darkness of his home after he returned from the last case. The reminder that he hasn't seen Haley or Jack in days.

When he reaches the tarmac, he spots you talking to Calvert again, but the conversation looks different than before. The special agent looks nervous, and he tries to gauge whether you seem comfortable, before realizing how relaxed you look.

When he gets closer, he catches the end of a question that likely started with "Can I have your number?" You smile at the man, and he turns away, trying not to eavesdrop.

He can't tell what he wants you to say. He knows it's been enough time since Jeff's death that real dating isn't out of the question, but he can't reconcile the protective instinct flickering in his gut.

Regardless of the distance he tried putting between you and himself, your voice carries over the tarmac, and he hears you say, "I'm sorry." before the rest of the sentence gets jumbled in the breeze. Something that feels alarmingly like relief settles in his chest and he frowns at the foreign feeling of it coursing through his veins.

He boards the plane and purposefully chooses a seat with an empty spot next to it, knowing you'll choose to sit beside him after he practically ignored you all day. He really wasn't trying to shut you out, he just doesn't know how to broach the topic of separation with anyone, let alone someone who had as stable a marriage as you did.

When you board the jet and take your seat next to him, he glances over at you sheepishly and murmurs, "I overheard the end."

He's surprised when you laugh lightly. "It's okay. Everyone was going to find out soon enough, especially with how excited Prentiss and JJ were about it."

He nods, glad that you aren't angry about his invasion of your privacy. Then, before he can stop himself, he looks at you and asks, "You didn't want to see him again?"

"I don't think I'm looking to just date for dating's sake anymore," you explain, your eyes flitting around the cabin at the sleeping forms of the rest of the team. "I had a true love...I don't want to settle down again for anything less."

He understands that completely, but he can tell there's something else bothering you, and not just because of the rhythmic bouncing of your knee that you don't seemed to have noticed. "What else?"

You shrug, not meeting his eye. "I used to have my usual excuse, but I can't really say it's too soon anymore, can I?"

He frowns as he notices the visible strain on you that this burden has caused. "You get to decide that for yourself."

"I know," you sigh, rubbing your eye with a loose fist. "I just worry sometimes that I use Jeff as an excuse to keep myself closed off." Your knee stills, and Hotch scoots closer, even with the armrest in the way.

"You don't seem closed off to me."

Your eyes crinkle with laughter. "I'm not sure if that means much coming from you. You're not exactly the picture of openness, Hotch."

He knows you're mostly joking, but your read punches him in the gut in a way he doesn't expect. You must see the shock on his face, because you immediately lean in closer. "What is it?"

He shakes his head, trying to delay for as long as he can. If he doesn't say it out loud, maybe he can pretend that he's still a happily married man. That he didn't fail his wife and son by being as absent as he had wished his father had been, early in his life.

"It's not about Gideon leaving, is it?" You scrutinize him for a moment before shaking your head. "No. Hotch, what's the matter?"

"We agreed not to profile each other," he sighs, gritting his teeth against the pain of having to vocalize one of the lowest moments in his life.

"Aaron," you whisper. Your voice is soft and gentle, and he breaks.

"Haley left."

Your mouth parts in surprise, and he looks down at his lap, taking a deep breath. "And I don't know if she's coming back."

***

You've been waiting in the arrivals lot of the airport for almost an hour. You're assuming his flight got delayed, and you're grateful for the time to get yourself ready to see him, but the wait hasn't made your jitters any better.

You haven't seen Hotch since you left for college last year, and with his pre-law internship that he somehow snagged as a first year, it was a lonely summer.

When he called you last week with profuse apologies for not staying more in touch and a somber tone that had to be about more than his regrettable phone habits, you had told him that you would love to see him, but your winter break doesn't start for another month. After a few hushed breaths and a second of thinking, he told you that he had bought a plane ticket out to California for the following weekend.

That's why it's Friday afternoon, and you're still waiting for his familiar mop of dark hair to appear through the exit doors. A boy walks out right then, with the same raven hair and fit stature, and your heart rate hastens for a split second, before you realize it's not him.

You look down at your car's radio and twist the dial to change the station. It's been playing the same Madonna song nonstop, and you shut off the volume when the other stations are no different. Your shift in focus takes your attention away from the airport exit, so you jump in your seat when a quiet knock sounds at your passenger side window.

He's here. Your lips curve up into a bright smile and you unlock the door, letting him get in.

"Hi," you say, your voice weaker than you'd like.

"Hey, Y//N," he replies, pushing his long hair back from his face. The simple motion sets off butterflies in your stomach and you turn back to your steering wheel to keep your emotions off your face. He could always read you so easily. "It's good to see you."

He grins at you and leans forward to give you a quick, awkward hug over the center console. You involuntarily inhale as he pulls back, and the scent of his natural musk mixed with whatever new cologne he's been wearing smells dreamy on him.

You said you were over it, you tell yourself in your head. He has a girlfriend who he's going to marry, and you are his best friend. At least you were.

You don't really know where things stand between you two now. A year is a long time to go without seeing someone, and you're sure college has changed him in similar ways that it has changed you.

"I have one more class today," you say quickly as you pull your car out of the lot. "It's criminal psychology, so I figured you wouldn't mind coming to the lecture with me."

"Sounds fun," he says, before leaning his cheek against the window to watch the scenery that zips by. "God, the weather here is crazy."

"It's definitely warmer than I'm used to," you agree, struggling not to glance over at him. "We never had 70 degree winters growing up."

"Which do you prefer?"

You grin. "Home, of course."

"Of course."

You look at him then, and his expression is one you don't understand. It's the same look he gets when he's in the library and he finds a book he's been looking for.

The drive doesn't take long, and you bring him to your lecture, where he proceeds to pay more attention to the information being presented than you do. The class usually feels too short for you, but today, the time ticks by, because you can't focus.

It's been so long since you've sat next to him in a class, and the sight of him jotting down notes on a scrap piece of paper takes you back to high school, when he was still the more attentive one.

After the lecture, you both grab a quick dinner in the dining hall and settle back into your double dorm room, which you painstakingly cleaned up before he arrived.

"So, how long have you guys been friends?" your roommate, Katy, asks him as he drops into your desk chair. You've been watching her ogle him since he arrived, and if he's still as perceptive as he was in high school, it hasn't escaped his notice either.

"Forever," he says, looking at you with a grin. "We met when we were eight. When she judged my taste in The Beatles, it was over for me."

You can't help the heat that flames in your cheeks, even though you know this story by heart. Katy keeps glancing over at you as he explains how you guys met, and eventually she gets up and flops down onto your bed next to you. "You're bringing him to the party tonight, right?"

Your eyes widen as you remember that was today. "Oh, I don't know. We might just stay in."

"You have to come!" she squeals, shaking your arm. She turns to him with a pointed look. "We already have outfits picked out."

"I guess we gotta go, then," he smiles at her, before looking at me with a small raise of his eyebrow. You okay with that?

You dip your chin into a nod, and he stands up. "I'll head out for a walk as you guys get ready."

"Sounds good!" Katy says, grabbing your hand and sliding off the bed. "We'll see you in an hour."

Once the door closes behind him, Katy turns to you, her mouth agape. "You never told me how cute he is."

"What?" you sputter, your cheeks turning a bright shade of pink.

"You also didn't tell me you're, like, in love with him."

You scoff involuntarily, your usual diversion technique when someone brings up a topic you want to evade. "What are you talking about?"

"Okay," she shrugs, reaching into your closet and tossing you the dress you were planning to wear. "If that's how you want to play it."

You go into your attached bathroom to change into your outfit, but after seeing Hotch, the mini sundress you picked out feels like too much. You hate how much you're overthinking something as stupid as an outfit for a party.

You turn away from the mirror and go back into your dorm, where Katy is applying her signature shade of red lipstick in her little mirror stand.

"He has a serious girlfriend," you whisper, almost too quiet for her to hear you. But she is more perceptive than you give her credit for. "Like eventual marriage-serious."

"Oh, honey," she coos, patting the bench seat next to her. You scoot in until you're side by side and she wraps an arm around your shoulders. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"It's okay," you shake your head, leaning on her shoulder. "I just need to get over it. It's a stupid crush that I've had since high school, but it's time. Maybe this party will help."

"Yes, exactly!" she grins, turning her head to look at you. "Nothing that a little music and a few shots can't fix."

"A few shots?" you laugh.

She nods. "Each."

~

You down another shot of whiskey before tossing your cup onto the table and following Katy onto the dance floor. She grinds against her boyfriend as you dance beside them, moving your hips side to side with the rhythm of the music.

Being in Los Angeles, the temperature outside is already warmer than it should be in November, but inside the house, your dress is sticking to your skin from the sweat and body heat surrounding you.

You're feeling the alcohol enough to have a good time even in the sweaty throng of bodies around you, and you throw your head back as you close your eyes and feel the thump of the music vibrating the floor boards.

Meanwhile, Hotch can't find you anywhere. He's drunk enough already that he knows he won't be able to find you himself, but he doesn't know anyone else here, so he grabs a half empty bottle from the drinks table and makes his way to the dance floor, where the life of the party seems to be centered.

He's usually a lot more fun at parties, but lately he hasn't felt like himself. Ever since you left for school across the country, it has felt like something in his life was wrong, like he was missing a limb. Then, things started looking up with Haley, and he pushed you away in the hopes that he would forget about any of the doubts he had, but it didn't work. The more he missed you, the worse things got in his relationship, and suddenly he wasn't sure what his life was supposed to look like anymore.

He takes another swig from the bottle and leans back against the counter as he watches people dance against each other in the dim light of the house. His eyes flicker over the mess of bodies until they catch on someone he almost doesn't recognize.

Your eyes are closed and your hands are in the air as you move to the beat. It's not exactly graceful music, but you have managed to find some semblance of a rhythm as you slide your hands down your thin dress, which is sticking to your body in a way he can't take his eyes off of.

He doesn't realize he has lifted the bottle to his lips again until the liquid is burning his throat, and he tears his eyes away from you as his head starts to spin. Maybe he's had enough for tonight. He puts the bottle down just as your roommate spots him. Katy, he thinks, or is it Sadie?

"Aaron!" she calls, stumbling over to him as a man holds her up with an arm around her waist. "Where's Y/N?"

"Not sure," he lies easily, barely conscious of the way his words have started to slur together. "I may head out soon."

"Don't leave without her," she instructs, her voice suddenly getting serious. "I'm staying with him tonight." She pats the man's arm. "So I won't be going back with her."

He nods with a resigned sigh, and slumps down on a couch in the next room, leaning his head back to stop the room from spinning.

~

When you tire of dancing, you push to the back of the crowd and look around to find any familiar face. You can't see Katy or her boyfriend anywhere, but after exiting the room, you spot Hotch asleep on the couch.

You walk forward with a slanted smile and put your hand on his shoulder to shake him awake. "Hotch, get up."

He groans, peeling his eyes open slowly. "I'm awake. Just resting my eyes."

"Yeah, yeah," you tease, looping your arm through his to help him up. "How much did you drink?"

He shrugs and you wrap your arm around his waist to hold him upright as he stumbles forward. "Whoa there. Okay, let's get you back."

You manage to get him out of the house, and once the fresh air hits, he can almost stand up straight on his own. You keep your arm around him just in case, trying to ignore the way his tee shirt is slowly riding up around his waistband.

You make the walk back in silence, and he falls back onto your bed as you lock the door behind you.

"I'm sorry," he whispers when you perch on the edge of the bed next to him.

"It's okay," you say, huffing out a laugh. He looks so young with his hair falling onto his face, and you resist the urge to push it back off his forehead. "Happens to the best of us."

"No, not that." He rolls over with a groan, flopping onto his back and scooting back so he can lay on your pillow. "I'm sorry I stopped calling."

Your heart skips a beat and you tuck your hair behind your ear, needing to occupy your hands somehow as your mind races with a million questions. "It's my fault too."

"No, it's not."

He isn't slurring his words anymore, but you can still hear the earnestness that only comes when one's filter is completely shattered. He was never one to hide things from you, but you also know how truthful people can get when alcohol takes their mask away.

"Haley and I have been having problems for a while," he mutters, making you sigh. So that's why he flew here in the middle of the school year. "We haven't been seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, and we decided to take a break, but I haven't told anyone, because the only person I wanted to tell was you."

You can't look at him. His gaze is too much, his eyes too full of truth and intensity. "Hotch-"

"I miss you so much," he says, cutting you off. "You're the only person I've ever really been able to talk to, but you know that, don't you? It's the same for you, it has to be."

You don't say anything. The air feels thick with tension, and you're afraid that if you say something, the room will explode.

"She's the perfect girlfriend," he says wistfully, his voice tight with an emotion you can't decipher. "I know it's me who's fucking it up, and I hate myself for it, because she's trying so hard to make this work. But every time it feels perfect, and I think I've finally gotten what I wanted, I just remember-"

"Aaron."

You look at him and his eyes are already staring into yours. You have wanted him to love you the way you loved him for years, but not like this. Never like this.

"You can't fuck this up," you whisper, your voice stronger than you expect it to be. "Call Haley tomorrow morning. Tell her you're sorry, and that you love her, because you do. You know you do."

"I love her," he nods as sleep pulls his eyelids down. "Tomorrow..I'll call her."

You watch him as his limbs relax and his breathing evens out, but you don't fall asleep until the sun starts to rise and you physically can't keep your eyes open anymore.

***

"Happy All Hallow's Eve, folks."

Reid pulls his mask off as Derek looks at him with a frightened frown.

"Are you scared of Halloween?" you ask him, trying to keep the grin off your face.

"I didn't say I was scared," he corrects, glancing over at Reid, who drops his mask on his desk and pushes his hair back from his face, "I said I was creeped out."

"What creeps you out about it?" Emily asks, before grinning at you.

"I bet it's the candy," you joke. "Those muscles probably cower at the sight of anything that isn't meat or protein powder."

Emily snorts and Derek frowns at both of you. "It's the masks. I don't like people in disguises."

"That's the best thing about Halloween," Reid chimes in. "You can be anyone you want to be."

Derek grins. "No, I'm pretty good just being me."

You and Emily share a look. "Yeah, why is it that neither of those points of view surprise me?"

"Guys," Reid suddenly calls out, his voice hushed. "He's here."

You turn around to see Hotch walking down the stairs, accompanied by Agent David Rossi, who you've heard a lot about in your years at the bureau. He was one of the founding members of the BAU, and you can't help but wonder what made him want to come back.

JJ introduces him to everyone, before Reid starts spouting off a list of facts from one of the old cases he solved when he was the chief of the unit.

"Reid, slow down," Hotch says with an uncharacteristic smile. "He'll be here for a while. Catch up with him later."

He nods. "Right, sorry."

Agent Rossi doesn't seem fazed. "No problem, Doctor."

This pleasantly surprises you. It's all too often that new people who meet Spencer don't immediately treat him with the respect he deserves.

"Let's start the briefing."

***

The flight back from Texas is hushed. The case went about as well as you could hope, with them catching the unsub and saving the final victim, but the way Rossi went rogue over and over again has rubbed you the wrong way.

You watch him across the cabin as he pores over his little notebook, and you wish you could peek inside his head. You know that the team aspect of the BAU is a newer addition to the unit, but you don't understand how he can keep all of his thoughts to himself.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Gah," you fright, jumping in your seat. "When did you sit next to me?"

Hotch shrugs, his lip quirking up. "A few minutes ago."

"Well, you should really wear a bell or something, god."

"Y/N," he says, giving you a pointed look. He doesn't let you use your evasion tactics anymore. Given your penchant for aimless talking, you suppose that's a good thing.

"I was just thinking about Rossi," you sigh, glancing up at him again. "Lying to the press to get a reaction from the unsub? Taking over that phone call? I don't like how he works, Hotch."

"He's from a different time," he says, even though you can hear the agreement in his voice, "but he worked with Gideon, and if you remember, it took you a while to warm up to him too."

You heave out a breath but it's the only concession you're willing to give in this moment.

"He's used to an older way of doing things, but he's a great agent."

"He clearly has good ideas," you whisper, "but I just worry that you'll have to work over time to keep him under control."

Hotch ponders this, and you think that maybe he knows you're right. Your eyes shift up and you realize his hair has been shorter for a while now, but you're still not used to seeing so much of his forehead. Not that there's anything wrong with his forehead. It's a fine forehead.

"He was the team leader before he retired," Hotch says suddenly. "He may be tough as a subordinate now, but I'm still glad he's back. We needed someone to fill Gideon's spot, we were low on hands."

"Speaking of, why do you think he's back."

He looks at you with a quizzical frown. "Is it really so hard to believe that he may just want to help us out?"

You think for a second, before shrugging. He laughs.

"I don't know," you concede, with a small chuckle. "I think I'm just expecting things from him that aren't fair."

He turns his body to face you. "Like what?"

You press your lips together, trying to formulate your words properly, so you can clearly articulate the tornado of thoughts in your brain. "I know Gideon wasn't a father figure exactly, but he was someone that Reid and Elle latched onto."

Hotch exhales. "I don't know if Gideon is someone I'd want as a father."

You let out a surprised laugh. "Fair enough."

"How is your father doing, by the way?"

You blink in surprise. It's not that he doesn't talk about your family, it's just that the timing is uncanny. You haven't spoken to him in months. After your mom died, you two were almost inseparable, but then you left for school, and you realized how much bigger the world could be when you weren't always bogged down by your grief. "I haven't called him in a while."

"What did he say after Golconda?" he asks, his voice gentle. After Frank, he means.

You close your eyes, guilt flooding your body. "I never told him."

"What?" You don't look at him, but you can see the shock in the stiff line of his posture. "Did something happen between you two?"

You shake your head, your protectiveness over your family flaring up at the concern in his eyes. "Nothing happened. I just didn't want to worry him."

"That's his job," Hotch stresses, scooting his leg over so his knee bumps yours. "If something like that had happened to Jack, I wouldn't know what to do with myself."

"That's what I'm scared of," you tell him, your eyes flitting over to the window, where the clouds are dancing across the horizon. Sometimes, when you're on the jet, you like to pretend that the time up here isn't real. That as long as the world looks like a series of splotches and blinking lights, nothing can really hurt you. "My mom's death nearly killed him. I learned to cook when I was ten, because he couldn't leave his room for a month." Hotch knows all of this already, but he lets you vocalize your thoughts, obviously knowing how badly you need reassurance for the guilt you're feeling. "Then, when Jeff died, I stayed with him for a few weeks to have some company, but...but.. I was so glad when I left, because then I could finally let myself fall apart."

He reaches under the armrest and clasps your hand in his, extending the comfort you didn't know you needed.

"I've never told anyone that," you whisper, feeling your voice tighten with tears. "I love my dad, I love him so much, but I just needed the chance to recover on my own."

"He loves you too," Hotch says, finally breaking his silence. "You know he loves you. I still remember the themed sandwich baggies that he packed your lunch with all through middle school."

You choke out a laugh. "You would always steal the Spiderman ones."

He smiles, squeezing your hand once. "Maybe you just need to give him another chance to be who you want him to be. He might just surprise you."

You know he's right. Somehow, he's always right.

You nod, flashing him a small smile, and lean your head on his shoulder as the clouds float past your window.

***

He glances at his watch for the tenth time since he sat down in his office. The plane landed just over an hour ago, and he sent you home immediately with the instruction to get some rest. He probably should have gone home too, but ever since he got his new apartment, home hasn't felt the same.

He used to be able to look around any corner and see a memory: the couch where he and Haley made love on their first night at home, the soft carpet where Jack took his first steps, the doorframe where he measured his height on his first birthday as Haley held him up by the arms. He also remembers that he wasn't there to see Jack's first steps; he was in Pittsburgh, working a case and thanking his lucky stars that Haley had had the foresight to take a photo as his son stood upright all by himself.

He lifts the picture frame from the edge of his desk, running his fingers over the cool glass and looking at the blue drawing underneath. Jack had drawn his favorite cartoon character and left it for him on the kitchen table, a few nights before his suspension went into effect.

Putting it back down, he looks at the photograph of him holding onto Haley as she clutches newborn Jack to her chest in the hospital. He still has the photo of just him and her on their wedding, but he pushed it to the back, behind the pictures of Jack, and the one of you and him at law school graduation.

A knock sounds at his door and he looks up to see Dave standing in his doorway. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," he says, waving him in. He doesn't sit down, so Hotch stands up too, unsure of how he feels about the power imbalance in the room. "What can I do for you?"

"You said out there, 'The team shares everything.'"

He nods. "That's right."

"There is no 'I'?"

He nods again, not liking where this may be going.

Dave glances down at his desk, where his phone sits next to the picture frame of his family. "Seems a big thing to withhold. Separating from your wife, your child."

He freezes, unconsciously looking at the door to see if anyone heard. "What are you talking about?"

"You used to call Haley 10 times a day," Dave says, his voice not unkind. "We've been together 48 hours and I haven't seen you call her once. You haven't mentioned her, and you're not going home now."

He frowns, feeling his brow settle into place like it's a uniform he wears whenever he's at the office. "What's your point?"

"I guess you're just not used to sharing."

He doesn't say anything, but Rossi seems to interpret this the wrong way. "Or maybe it's something else." He looks out the window at the empty bullpen, but the implication is still clear. "Was it because of...?"

"What?" He doesn't know where this is coming from, but he can't stop the anger that rumbles through him at the connotation. Unable to help it, he looks down at your desk, and Dave tuts.

"I won't say anything."

"Dave," he shakes his head, trying to remain calm. "You have it all wrong. She's my best friend...since we were children. It isn't like that. It was never-"

It was never like that. That's what he's about to say, but that wouldn't be true. Rossi is a good enough profiler that he would be able to spot a lie from a mile away, so he shuts his mouth and shakes his head again. "It's not like that."

"Okay," he accepts, lifting his hands in surrender. "My mistake."

Hotch nods, and Dave leaves his office, but he can't get their conversation out of his head until later that night when his head hits his pillow and his eyes finally fall shut.

***

"Hey, Dad."

You called him when you got home from work that night, and he answered on the second ring. "Hi, sweetheart."

"How are you?" you ask, clutching the phone to your ear as you sink down onto the couch in your living room.

He doesn't answer for a moment, and you can hear him taking a breath. "I'm good, Y/N, how are you? Is work going well?"

"It's good," you tell him. "Really good. We were able to save a woman today, before the unsub could kill her."

"Unsub?"

"Unknown subject," you explain, quickly realizing just how long it's been since you've spoken to him. "It's what we call the bad guy before we know who he is."

"Right," he says, and you can practically see him rubbing a hand over his face, his nervous tic. "I knew that. Anyway, how is everything in your life? Do you still work with Aaron?"

"Yeah, I do," you say with a laugh. "He was actually asking about you earlier today."

"That's nice of him," your dad says, his voice brightening slightly. "He was always a good friend to you."

You tell him about your most recent case, and about Gideon and Elle leaving the team, but eventually you can't evade the topic you've been trying to avoid all night.

You're okay, you think to yourself. Frank can't hurt you anymore.

"Dad," you whisper, closing your eyes as you take a deep breath. In 1, 2, 3. Out 1, 2, 3. "I have something to tell you."

Then you tell him everything, and he just listens, exactly like you hoped he would.

***

"I met this guy." You didn't even see Penelope approach you, but here she is, looking at you like she's about to say something dirty.

"Hell yeah," you grin, trying to match her energy. "Where?"

"A coffee shop," she smirks. "He was having trouble with his computer, so I fixed it for him, and then he asked for my number."

"Look at you," you joke, giving her a side squeeze, "putting your technical analyst skills to good use."

"Thank you," she huffs, throwing an annoyed glance over her shoulder. "That's more of the response I was looking for."

"What do you mean?"

"Derek," she says simply, and you nod, already knowing where she's going with this. You know they have an uncommon relationship, so you're not surprised that he didn't react exactly how she hoped he would.

"He's an idiot," you tell her, patting her arm.

She laughs. "You don't even know what he did."

"Uh, yeah," you say, turning around to face the bullpen, "I definitely do."

***

The case takes the team to Florida, where an unsub has been feeding women their fingers, killing them, and then carving pentagrams in their skin.

The pentagrams suggest a religious element, so you go with JJ, Morgan, and Rossi to the local church to meet with the priest.

"Rossi, do me a favor," Morgan says just before you walk inside. "You talk to the priest, all right?"

You remember his agitation on the jet when Reid prodded him about his beliefs, and given the cruelty of his childhood, a crisis of faith wouldn't surprise you.

"Hi, Father Marks," JJ greets the priest when you enter the church. She introduces all of you to him, before shaking his hand. "We're sorry we have to be here under these circumstances."

"It's good of you to come," he says, greeting all of you. "Abbey's parents are upstairs in my office."

"We'll go up," Rossi says with a nod, "but Agent Morgan actually has some questions for you."

Your eyes flash to Rossi, but he doesn't return your gaze.

"I have some questions too," you offer, and Derek nods gratefully.

The priest answers the few questions Derek spits out at him, and you watch as his eyes wander around the hall, his shoulders raised with tension. You insert a few of your own questions before heading outside with him to wait for JJ and Rossi to finish up with the victim's parents.

"What happened in there?" you ask when he doesn't meet your eye. "Being rude to Father Marks? That wasn't like you."

"You know what happened to me, L/N," he says angrily, kicking his foot out at a loose stone on the pavement. "I went to church everyday, and I prayed for it to stop, but you know what God did? Nothing."

"I know what a crisis of faith looks like, Derek." You stand in front of him, forcing him to look at you. "But Father Marks doesn't know your story. He's not judging you, he's just showing his faith how he knows best."

His shoulders are still tense as his jaw twitches. "Who does Rossi think he is, throwing me under the bus like that?"

"He's an instigator," you shrug, letting the topic slide for the time being. You'll talk to him again later if he still needs it.

"I didn't love the way Gideon did things either," Derek says, his posture going from agitation to annoyance, "but Rossi might just take the cake. Even if he is better with the victim's families."

"I can't help you there," you almost laugh. "I had the same conversation with Hotch after the case in Texas, and he managed to convince me to give the guy a chance. So...if you can't bring yourself to trust him, just think of it as putting your trust in Hotch."

Derek hums, bumping your shoulder with his. "I guess I can do that."

***

The search party for Tracey Lambert only leads to the unsub taking another woman, and suddenly the ticking clock gets a lot louder. By the time you find his lair and the bodies he has been cannibalizing for years, you're already struggling to keep down even the water you've been drinking. When he reveals where Tracey actually is, you feel so sick, you can't breathe.

When the jet lands back in Virginia, you go home immediately, desperately needing some peace and quiet away from the team for the first time in a while. But that doesn't last long.

You're awoken by the shrill ringing of your home phone. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you check the number and answer the phone. "Is this payback for the last time I called you past midnight?"

"Y/N...it's Garcia."

You shoot up into a sitting position as Hotch explains what happened. "How bad is it?"

"I don't know."

"I'm on my way."

You change into a sweater and a pair of loose jeans before grabbing your keys and flying out the door.

"She's in surgery," JJ tells you when you find them in the waiting room. She pulls you into a hug before returning to her hunched position in an uncomfortable vinyl chair.

"There's no other word," Hotch adds, giving you a quick hug as well. With his cheek pressed against your temple, he whispers, "Police think it may have been a botched robbery."

"Where's Morgan?" Emily asks, standing up from her chair.

"He's not answering his cell."

Reid nods, stepping away. "I'll call him again."

He squeezes your hand before he exits the waiting area, and you glance down at JJ again. Her eyes are red from crying, and her chin is pressed into her palm as she stares at the floor. You watch as Emily sits next to her and pats her hand, before clasping it in hers.

You don't realize you've been staring at the same spot on the floor until Hotch stands next to you and nudges your shoulder. You okay?

"I will be," you say out loud, barely registering that he didn't actually ask you anything. "As soon as she's out of surgery." When you got the call that Penelope was shot, you had been hit by an intense feeling of deja vu. Only this time, the call didn't come from bureau leadership, because she wasn't killed at the scene. Because she's going to make it.

He doesn't seem fazed as he checks his watch again, his frown lines deepening. "It shouldn't take this long to get an update."

"Where have you been?" Reid asks suddenly. You look up to see Derek walking into the waiting room, his eyes wide with panic.

"I was in church. My phone was off."

"There's nothing you could have been doing here," Rossi assures him, before nodding at Hotch and pulling him aside to discuss something with the deputies outside. You use the momentary lull to approach Derek, putting your hand on his arm as an initial test. When he doesn't jerk back, you pull him into a hug that he returns gratefully.

The doctor walks in a few minutes later and explains that Penelope will be fine, but she needs to rest until the morning.

"David and I will go to the scene," Hotch informs, his eyes fixing each of you with an empathetic look. "I think the rest of you should be here when she wakes up. I don't care about protocol. I don't care whether we're working this officially, or not. We don't touch any new cases until we find out who did this."

When they leave, you pull Derek down into the chair next to you and lean your head onto his shoulder. After a beat, he relaxes in his seat, and lets out a long sigh. "She's okay."

***

Early the next morning, the doctor shakes you all awake with the notice that Penelope's up, so you rush into her room, trying not to crowd her as she blinks awake.

"Hi," she says softly, her voice small. She looks so innocent, laying in her hospital bed with her blonde hair a halo around her head. You can't imagine how anyone would want to hurt someone like her.

"No tears," she smiles as you swallow down your anger. "I'm afraid if I start crying, I'll come unstapled."

JJ presses a kiss to her cheek, before Derek and Emily start gently plying her with the usual questions. When it comes out that the man who shot her was the same man who asked her out at the coffee shop, your anger turns to anguish, and you reach forward to squeeze Penelope's hand in an effort to comfort her.

"I just thought he liked me," she whispers, the pain in her voice breaking your heart.

"We need a name," Emily asks abruptly. You can see her mentally kicking herself at how serious her words came out, but you know Penelope understands the gravity of this situation.

"James Colby Baylor."

She asks you and JJ to stay back for a second as the rest of the team leaves to investigate Baylor.

"What's up, honey?" you ask, smiling at her sweetly as she uses her other hand to take JJ's.

"I feel so stupid," she sighs, her breath turning into a gasp as tears fill her eyes. "Maybe Derek was right about all of it."

"No," JJ says sternly, reaching forward to brush some of her hair behind her ear. "None of this is on you."

"What she said," you echo, nodding at JJ, "and don't listen to Morgan. He loves you, and he's very protective over you, but he's also a man."

She sniffles out a laugh, before pressing her lips together. "One last thing."

JJ blinks. "Anything."

"Please don't talk about me like I'm a victim."

***

The case wraps up back at the office, where Baylor, whose real name is Deputy Battle, was shot in the head by JJ, who doesn't seem as plussed by the situation as you would expect. You tried to talk to her afterwards, but after telling you she was fine, she put all of her attention on Penelope, who has spent the last week recovering at home.

Now, you're sitting in the break room stirring your black coffee, just for something to do. Hotch finds you in there and walks inside, shutting the door behind him.

"It's been a long week," he grumbles, looking longingly at the spot next to you on the worn couch.

You lift your cup and nod your head at the full coffee pot. "That's what caffeine's for."

"We really should sleep at some point," he says, filling up a paper cup and carefully dropping into the spot beside you. The couch you chose is small enough that his thigh presses against yours when he spreads his legs even the slightest bit.

You snort. "Sleep's overrated."

You both sip your steaming coffees in silence as you watch the other agents shuffle back and forth across the bullpen, unaware of your watchful eyes. The break room is the one place in the office to go for a little bit of privacy, but the unobstructed view of everyone's desks isn't unpleasant either. You imagine this is how Hotch feels when he looks out his office window.

Your eye catches on the stapled wood planks that are currently replacing the broken glass door that leads into the bullpen. He must be looking at the same thing, because he breaks the silence and says, "I think we may need to get JJ out into the field more."

His tone catches you off guard and you crack a small smile. "She does seem remarkably well-adjusted, given that it was her first time."

He nods, turning his head to look at you. "Do you remember your first time?" Killing someone, is the part he doesn't say out loud.

"Of course." You take a deep breath and gulp back more coffee. "He was a serial rapist in Texas. One shot to the heart. I wasn't trying to kill him, he just ran at the last second."

"Serial killer in Florida," he responds simply. "Headshot. He died instantly."

"That was your first year at the BAU, right?" He nods and you sink back into the cushions. "I wasn't even in the field then."

He hums, a low sound that you feel as vibrations on your skin. "I worry that I brought you in here too early. Jeff had just died, and I assumed that getting you out of the house and in the field would take your mind off of things, but I wonder sometimes if I made the wrong call."

"You didn't," you assure him, turning your body to face his, even as he doesn't meet your eye. "First of all, you brought me in six months after he died, and by then, I definitely needed an excuse to leave my bedroom."

He sighs, a small concession, and you continue. "The first case I went into the field for after he died, I could barely hold my gun. Every time I pulled it on someone, I would imagine his body...with all of those bullet holes...and I would just freeze up. It took me months to pass my firearm certification again, but I still don't regret it."

"You sure?" he asks, his voice almost timid.

"Positive," you smile, nudging your thigh against his. "Besides, I didn't realize it until later, but it wasn't getting out into the field that helped me through my grief...it was meeting the team. These people became my family in the moment that I needed one most."

You turn back to your coffee and sip it again, though it's no longer as hot as you'd like it to be.

"How are you doing, by the way?" he asks suddenly. "With Garcia, I mean."

An involuntary shudder runs through you as you remember her pale face in her hospital bed last week, but the warmth of the coffee cup in your hands makes it pass quickly. "I'll never get used to it. But she's okay now, so hopefully it'll be easier this time."

***

You're jotting down notes in the margins of a new case file JJ asked you to look over when your cell phone rings. Hotch and Reid are at a nearby prison, interviewing a serial killer on death row for the Criminal Personality Research Project, so you're not expecting a call from either of them. The rest of the team, except for Rossi, is scattered around the bullpen, but you don't expect him to call you either.

After finishing the line you were writing, you check your phone and see a name you haven't spoken to in weeks.

"Haley," you answer after clicking open your cell. "Is everything okay?"

"I know you're busy," she sighs, her voice tight with what you can only decipher as irritation, "but I didn't know who else to call. Aaron hasn't been answering my phone calls."

You get up from your desk and step out into the hallway to get some privacy. "He and Dr. Reid are at a prison right now, interviewing a criminal for this research project. There likely isn't any cell service out there."

"It's not just today, Y/N," she says, her tone getting colder as she inadvertently directs her anger towards the only person she can get ahold of. "He hasn't been taking my calls for days."

"I can talk to him," you suggest, trying to keep your tone light in an effort to keep this conversation from derailing. "I'll tell him to give you a call."

"I appreciate that," she sighs, losing her steam. "I'm sorry for involving you, I just really need to speak with him about something."

"Is everything alright with you and Jack?" you ask her quickly, wanting to make sure that you aren't making the wrong assumptions about why she's calling.

"Oh!" she inhales sharply. "Yes, of course, we're doing great. Well, great maybe isn't the right word, I didn't mean- I just-" She sighs. "You know what I mean."

"I do," you assure her as your heart twists at the sound of her shallow breathing. You know how hard the separation has been on Hotch, but you know Haley too, and she has always been better at hiding her pain that she seems. "Where have you been staying?"

"With Jess," she says, her voice brightening considerably at the mention of her sister. "She's been a godsend. I feel terrible taking up so much of her space, but she doesn't seem to mind."

You smile, remembering the few times you met Jessica Brooks while Haley and Hotch were together. "She definitely doesn't mind. She always loved children. I bet she's already scheming on how to steal Jack from you."

Haley laughs, and the sound is like wind chimes twinkling in your ear. "She totally is."

Her laughter slowly fades, and you both stay on the line for a few moments in comfortable silence.

"I'll tell him to call you," you promise.

"I know," she sighs. "Thank you."

***

The prison was a bust, but Reid got a chance to use his intelligence to get them out of a tough spot without anyone getting hurt, so the day wasn't a total loss.

He is sitting in his office, drafting an email to the project coordinator, when you walk inside and take a seat in front of his desk.

"Thanks for knocking," he says sarcastically before finishing up the sentence he was working on. Once it's done, he saves the draft and turns off his computer. "How was Indianapolis?"

"Good," you say, leaning back in the chair. "Great, actually. Rossi got to close up the case that's been haunting him for a decade, and the three kids are finally safe."

"I'm surprised he wasn't more excited when he got back," he notes, watching your body language. You look wired, but not about this. Something else is bothering you.

"The unsub wasn't exactly the most gratifying arrest," you sigh, rubbing a hand over your temple. "We don't even think he committed the murders intentionally."

He frowns, shaking his head. "Those are the worst kind."

You're silent for a moment before you sit up straighter and look at him. "Haley called me this morning. While you were at the prison."

"Oh?" Something that feels like ice slithers down his spine even though he can probably guess exactly how the conversation went.

All week, he has felt an enormous weight on his chest in the form of a stack of divorce papers that Haley served him with. She had called him right after, with the explanation that they both should have seen this coming, but he really hadn't. He was a profiler, whose entire job was to notice and analyze human behavior, and he truly hadn't been able to let himself believe that this could be a possibility. That his marriage could actually be over.

"She said you've been ignoring her calls."

He had been ignoring them. He knew she would just tell him to sign the papers, and he couldn't bear to hear her say it again. Once was enough.

He reaches into his desk and pulls out the manila folder that he hasn't opened since his initial read-through. He suspects you already know what he's about to tell you, but he also knows that it won't feel real until he says it out loud. And it's about time he came to terms with what his life would be from now on. "Haley wants me to sign the divorce papers, uncontested."

"She doesn't want to involve a lawyer?" you ask, your voice delicate as you walk him through the explanation with clarifying questions. It's the technique they use when interviewing the families of victims, to help them feel comfortable as they talk about the hardest thing they've ever gone through. He's surprised at how reassuring it feels coming from you.

He shakes his head, running his fingers through his hair. It has grown out a bit since he last cut it, but he doesn't think he minds. Haley wanted him to cut it short when Jack was in his grabbing and teething phase, but now, he likes how he can push it back when he wants. "I don't want to sign, of course, but she's adamant that we get this done soon."

"You'll be okay," you say, and he looks up in surprise. "You're a good man, Aaron."

"I'm not," he whispers, heaving out a sigh. "I'm not doing anything right. At home, I was an awful husband and an absent father, and at work, Strauss would replace me if she had even the slightest bit more ammunition. I can't focus in either place. Maybe Haley's right, maybe I'm just selfish."

You lean forward and grab his hand, even as he doesn't look at you. "You're not selfish. You're the farthest thing from selfish. You don't want to sign, but you will. You're giving her what she wants, even though it's the last thing you want."

He nods, but his heart isn't in it. He glances down at the folder again and takes a deep breath as you give him a small smile and stand up.

"I'll see you tomorrow, boss?"

He nods again. "See you tomorrow."

When the door shuts behind you, he flips open the folder, faster than he meant to, but he's afraid if he doesn't do this quickly he'll lose his nerve. Grabbing a random pen from the mug on his desk, he uncaps it and scrawls out his initials on all of the earmarked lines throughout the stack.

When he finishes the last page, he shuts the folder and leans back in his chair, letting out a long exhale. He did it. He supposes he should feel some sort of severing away of his old life, maybe an audible snap as the ties to his marriage get cut, but there's just silence.

His office suddenly feels stifling, and he loosens his tie before reaching forward and lifting the picture frame with him and Haley on their wedding day. Her smile still looks beautiful to him, and his content expression as he gazes at her doesn't make him feel anything different. Their marriage may be over, but he still loved her.

He runs his thumb over the smooth edge of the frame, and then opens his desk drawer, before sticking it inside and pushing it closed.

***

"Thank you for watching him," Hotch says, his voice slightly muffled over the phone.

"Of course," you smile, sitting down on your couch with the pasta you made for dinner. "It was my pleasure. Jack's a total sweetheart."

Jess was out of town for a couple of days, so he had asked you to watch Jack while he and Haley met up to finalize the divorce in front of an attorney. She had been adamant about finishing the process over the phone, but he wanted to ensure that she and Jack would be taken care of after the papers went through.

"Did he eat lunch?"

"Kind of," you say, quickly swallowing the bite you took. "He didn't want a full meal, but I got him to eat some fruit and bread with cheese."

"I'll make him a snack soon," he says quietly, but you can tell he's just thinking out loud. "Alright, I'll see you at the office. Thanks again."

"Always," you tell him, genuinely. "See you."

The phone clicks off and you scarf down the rest of your pasta before doing your dirty dishes and cleaning up your kitchen. You're considering whether to change into your workout clothes so you can crank out a few miles on your Peloton, but then you hear a knock on your door.

You're not expecting anyone, and with Hotch watching Jack, it can't be him. You peek around the corner into your foyer to see who's at the door, and relax when you spot a familiar mop of brown hair.

"I'm sorry I didn't call first," Spencer says when you open the door, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of his book bag. "I just didn't know how to ask you this over the phone."

"Spence, what is it?" you ask, opening the door further to let him in. He doesn't step forward, and a pinprick of anxiety enters your system.

"If I come inside, I won't be able to do this," he says vaguely, before reaching into his bag and pulling out a flyer. He hands it to you and you read the title, the tension seeping from your body as the words sink in: Narcotics Anonymous for Law Enforcement.

"I know it's a lot to ask," he whispers, "but would you drive me to the meeting tonight?"

Your heart feels like it's about to crack open. Only a boy who was never looked after, never given the love and care he deserved, would think that something like this was too much to ask.

"It's not too much," you tell him, glancing down at the address. "I'll get my keys."

When he's settled in your passenger seat, you pull out of the driveway, not commenting on the fact that his car is parked on the street beside your sidewalk. You understand the need for company more than most people.

The drive to the rec center where the meeting is being held is mostly silent, but you don't press him. He stares down at his hands for most of the ride, and when you stop in front of the entrance, he unbuckles his seatbelt and turns to you. "Thank you."

"Of course," you smile. "I can wait, if you'd like."

He gives you a thin-lipped smile. "It's okay."

"You sure?"

He presses his lips together and looks at you, his eyes reflecting the question in yours.

"Go on," you say, patting his arm. "I'll be here."

He nods and steps out of your car, and you pull into a parking space to wait in while he's in the meeting. You turn on the radio and it's the same song they've been playing for the last week, so you turn the volume down low and close your eyes for a few peaceful moments.

You must have fallen asleep, because you're jarred awake by the chirping sound of your cell phone ringing. It's a bureau number, so you clear your throat and answer the call. "L/N."

"Hey, Y/N." It's JJ, and she sounds tired. "We have a case. It's urgent, so we're flying to Texas tonight."

You sigh louder than you meant to. "I can be there in 20."

"See you soon."

The line clicks off and you rub the sleep from your eyes. A quick check of your watch tells you that you were only asleep for about a half hour, but that's just half of the meeting time. You know Spencer will come back when he gets the call, so you turn the radio off and sit up in your seat.

A few minutes later, he returns to the car. You saw him just over 30 minutes ago, but he already looks lighter than he did when he got to your house.

"I'm proud of you, Spence," you tell him as you start the car.

He nods, a quick thanks. "This federal agent gave me his one year medallion after I left the meeting. I've only been clean for 10 months, but he still gave it to me."

"He believes in you," you say simply, glancing over at his confused expression.

"He doesn't even know me."

You shrug. "You don't have to really know someone to care about them, Spencer. You just have to see something of yourself in them."

"Is that what you see in me?" he asks, finally looking at you.

You consider this for a moment. Is that why you feel so protective over him?

"I don't know," you say eventually, not wanting to lie, even by accident. "I definitely wasn't as smart as you were, or as focused. I wasn't all that driven in high school at all, to be honest. I was lucky to have Hotch. He gave me the push I needed to get out there and focus on school."

He's silent for a minute and you worry you may have said something wrong. Then: "I didn't have anyone in school." He pauses for a beat, before speaking again, his voice quieter this time. "I was in the library one day, and this girl comes up to me, and she tells me that Alexa Isben wants to meet me behind the field house. Alexa Isben was, like...easily the prettiest girl in school."

You frown, already not liking where this story is going. "Did she not show up?"

"No, she was there." His voice sounds almost resigned, but there's a note of something darker underneath. Something raw and painful, that likely still hurts after all these years. "But so was the entire football team. They stripped me naked and tied me to a goal post. So many kids were there, you know, just watching."

"No one stopped them?" you ask, trying to keep your voice steady.

"I begged them to, but they just...they just watched. Then finally they got bored and they left." He clears his throat, and the sound is small, like a little boy's. "It was like midnight when I finally got home. And my mom didn't...Mom was having one of her episodes, so she didn't even realize I was late."

"You never told her what happened?"

He shakes his head. "I never told anybody. I thought it was one of those things that I thought if I didn't talk about it, I'd just forget. But I remember it like it was yesterday."

"You don't need an eidetic memory for that, Spence," you whisper, trying to stay focused on the road even as his words swirl into your memories and create an agonizing hurricane of emotions. "I was only ten years old when my mom was killed, but I can still remember every moment of her funeral."

The field office comes into view and you push forward as you scan your badge and slide into a parking spot below the upper garage. When the car is in park, you undo your seatbelt and turn to him. "I know how hard it can be to push away the painful memories, but there's something more important that I need you to remember."

"Remember what?"

He looks at you then, and you reach forward to squeeze his hand. "You're not alone anymore."

***

"Is it always this hot?" You look up at the beating sun through your shaded sunglasses and fan your face with both of your hands.

"Every day, all day," Emily huffs, running her fingers through her bangs to unstick them from her forehead.

Everyone is sweltering in the Miami heat, but then Derek gets off the plane with a wide grin, his skin glistening in the sun, and you resist the urge to throw your bag at him. "South Beach, baby."

He immediately shuts up when he spots the stunning Miami PD detective who called your team in for the recent string of murders. JJ shoots you a smirk before introducing her to the team. "Detective Lopez. We spoke on the phone."

"Tina," she corrects, before shaking her hand. "Thank you for coming down so quickly."

"Hey," Emily says from beside you, making you turn to see what she's looking at. "Isn't that..."

You spot the person she's referring to, and your face splits into a big smile. "Detective LaMontagne!"

"He's here to ID the cop they pulled from the bay last night," Tina explains.

You don't miss the flush in JJ's cheeks as she shakes his hand. "Detective, good to see you."

"How are you?" you ask, giving him a quick hug that he returns.

"Yeah, Charlie Luvet and I worked together for seven years."

Derek frowns. "Sorry for your loss, man."

Tina looks confused, and you don't blame her. "So, you all know each other?"

"Professionally," JJ is quick to add. Will whips around to look at her, and you turn to Emily with an eyebrow raise, feeling like you're intruding on a private moment. You aren't sure why she won't just admit that they've been together since New Orleans, but that's her business.

***

You join JJ and Will at the IDing of Officer Luvet, and you keep your distance as he glances down at the body and affirms the report.

"Yeah, that's him."

JJ looks like she wants to comfort him, but instead she sticks to the professional approach. "If you need help making arrangements, liaising with families is part of what I do."

Will nods, his voice choking up slightly. "I might just take you up on that. Excuse me, I'll be outside."

When he steps outside of the coroner's office, you can't help but notice the longing look on JJ's face as she watches him go.

"Let's go," she says to you softly, her eyes still on the door. You follow her outside, but by then Will is nowhere to be found.

"It's okay, you know," you blurt out. You weren't really planning on talking to her about this, but sometimes your mouth takes over before your brain can catch up. "I know you worry that being around a band of profilers all the time makes you vulnerable."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about," she says simply, not quite meeting your eye.

"JJ," you say seriously, trying to convey your pure intentions. "If you keep trying to hide it, you'll lose him."

She purses her lips, and you squeeze her forearm, hoping you aren't pushing past her boundaries. The whole team is sparing with details about their personal lives, but you like to think that you're someone people feel comfortable sharing things with.

"I know you, hon." You flash her a knowing smile, feeling a shot of satisfaction as her lip twitches. "I know that it's enough for you to know that you care about something, but it's not enough for everyone."

She exhales, tucking her hair behind her ears. "He's upset with me, but I don't know what to do. I'm still scared."

You sigh, understanding her predicament, but still wanting her to push past it. "You can let yourself be happy, JJ. You won't always get hurt."

She nods before glancing around the room again, searching for Will even though he's long gone. It's an instinct you recognize.

Later, when JJ finally acknowledges their relationship by pulling him in for a kiss at the police station, you can't help but take it as a win.

***

Your house feels emptier than usual when you get back from Miami. Seeing JJ and Will find each other again reminded you of how much you miss having someone to share your life with.

Deciding to take a night to yourself, you pop open a bottle of red, and pour yourself a glass, which you swirl around before taking a sip. It's drier than you tend to go for, and when you check the label, you realize that's because you didn't buy it.

How can you drink this stuff?

It makes me feel sophisticated.

Jeff would break out the fancy glassware every chance he got, because he didn't believe in special occasions. He used to say that people waste precious moments of their life waiting for the right occasion to come around.

The memory feels warm in the back of your mind, and you take another sip of wine before walking over to your cupboard and grabbing the fanciest wine glass you can find. You pour the rest of your wine into the new glass and place the other in the sink, before swirling it around again. No time like the present.

You bring the glass to the couch with you, where you turn on the television and skip through the first few channels. As the wine in your glass depletes, the loneliness sets back in. You're about to pour yourself another pity glass when your phone buzzes with a call from Hotch.

"Do your television channels suck as much as mine do?"

You smile, muting the television and pressing the phone to your ear. "Definitely not."

He chuffs. "I guess I'm not used to the new tv controls."

Right, his new apartment. After the papers were finalized, he gave the house to Haley and moved into a new place ten minutes away.

"We can share mine," you say, listening to the sounds of his breath over the receiver. "I also have wine."

That gets a laugh. "I'll be there in 15."

You hear a knock on your door exactly 14 minutes later. When you open it, you're greeted with the sight of Hotch in a tee shirt and jeans. "A little underdressed, aren't we?"

He snorts, taking the wine glasses from your hands and following you into the family room. "What are we watching?"

"You're the one with the broken tv," you grin, flopping down on the couch and taking your glass from him. "What do you want to watch?"

He thinks for a minute, before his eyes sparkle with an idea. You cut him off before he can suggest what you already know he will. "We are not watching Top Gun again, Hotch!"

"You asked," he shrugs, hiding his smile behind a sip of wine. "What do you want to watch, then?"

You can see him watching you over the rim of his glass, so you blurt out the first name that comes to your mind. "Footloose."

He looks at you blankly for a moment, before his brow twitches, and your jaw drops. "You haven't seen Footloose?!"

"It came out when we were in high school," he groans, taking one of the throw pillows off the couch and stuffing it behind his back. "Terminator and Dune came out that same year. I remember because you tried to get me to watch it then too."

"It's an amazing movie!" you exclaim, standing up to go dig through your movie cabinet. "We're watching it right now."

He groans and sinks back into the pillows as you find the DVD and start the movie. You've seen it at least a dozen times, mostly because it makes you nostalgic for your teenage years, but the opening still gets you excited.

As the movie plays, you keep glancing over at Hotch, trying to see if he's enjoying the scenes just as much as you did on your first watch. To his credit, he watches the movie faithfully, without checking his phone or straying from the television screen.

"Enough," he grumbles suddenly, startling you.

"What?" you question, whipping your head around to face the screen.

"I'm watching the movie," he huffs, fixing you with a pointed look. "You don't have to keep checking."

You frown, hugging a pillow to your chest. "I wasn't checking, I just like seeing people's reactions to my favorite movies."

"Either way."

You groan, reaching out to thwack his arm.

"Eyes on the screen," he berates you, pointing at the TV. "The dance scene is starting."

You sip your wine bitterly as you try to resist the urge to glance over at him. Eventually, the movie takes over your attention and soon it's the final town council scene where Kevin Bacon gives a speech to the whole town.

"'There was a time for this law'," you quote along with the movie, "'but not anymore.'"

The movie comes to an end, and you click the remote to turn off the television. When you turn to Hotch with an excited grin, you're surprised to see that he has fallen asleep.

His head has fallen to the side, resting on the armrest, and he looks so peaceful with his expression completely neutral. His characteristic frown is nowhere to be seen as he snores quietly through his nose.

Your lips curve into a smile as you stand up and grab a blanket from a basket beside the couch. You drape it over his body, being careful not to wake him, and take the wine glasses to the sink before heading up for bed.

***

"That's because you pick horses the same way you practice law."

You hold your breath as he glances into the crowd for a brief second.

"...by always taking the long shot."

Emily snickers under her breath, and you see even Reid crack a smile as the lawyer starts floundering. The rest of the day in court goes by quickly and you all wait for Hotch in the hallway of the courthouse as he finishes up inside.

"That was impressive," you grin, nudging his shoulder as he walks alongside you. "I can't believe that was my first time seeing you in full prosecutor mode."

"Hardly," he says, rolling his eyes lightly. "I was called to give testimony, it's very different."

"I'm just surprised that prosecutor is still walking after how hard you hit him." He shoots you a look and you raise your hands in surrender. "Metaphorically, of course."

"That was a straight knock out." Derek comes up behind you and throws an arm around your shoulder as he spins you both to face Hotch. "The crowd practically cheered when you cleaned the floor with him."

"Thank you," he concedes, flashing his eyes at you. "Now let's get back to work. We still have to get more evidence for the rest of the trial."

And just like that, everyone switches back into work mode. Derek drops his arm and jogs forward to catch up to Rossi and Spencer, while Emily calls Garcia to get the latest update.

Using the moment of solitude, you bump his shoulder again. "Do you ever wish you were still a prosecutor? Your life would certainly be a lot simpler."

He shakes his head, the answer coming quickly and firmly. "I couldn't do it then, and I still couldn't now. Seeing the murderers come in after they've finished killing...I needed to know I could stop them before they were done."

His sentiment sounds familiar. Your mind flashes back to the little boy who took matters into his own hands, because no one could stop the pain for him.

You blink and it's present day again. You loved your best friend who fought his own battles without asking for help, and, even though he's vastly different, you love your best friend as he is now.

***

"Five shootings in two weeks."

"It's about time we got the call."

The whole team, plus Garcia, flies up to New York, where an unsub has been shooting people around the city, seemingly at random.

"Kate Joyner heads up the New York field office," Hotch explains, glancing down at his cell phone. "She's running point on the case and called me directly."

You have heard of her, which isn't too surprising, but all you know is that she's British and seems to be very good at her job.

"You know her?" Morgan asks him, echoing your thoughts.

Hotch nods. "We liaised when she was still at Scotland Yard."

They liaised. You don't know what that implies, but you also know that he and Haley didn't take a single break during their relationship after graduating college, so it can't be anything too personal.

JJ and Emily share a look, but you don't engage with them, instead looking back at the case file and trying to focus on any of the words that aren't 'Kate Joyner'.

***

"Kate."

A pretty blonde woman approaches you all with a smile only for Hotch. "Aaron. How have you been?"

He nods. "Well, thank you. This is my team." He introduces each of you to her, but you don't miss how her eyes linger on you when he mentions your name.

"Thanks for being here," she says, before walking you all through the background of the case. Shootings in different precincts, seemingly random, FBI only brought in after the fourth murder.

After explaining the details and introducing you to the local detectives on the case, she pulls Hotch aside for a private word in her office. You turn back to the team, trying not to let your gaze linger on them as they walk away.

The NYPD doesn't seem happy that SSA Joyner has taken over their case, but even though she comes off as a bit brusque, you can tell she cares about catching this unsub just as much as they do.

"What's your partner's problem?" Reid asks Detective Cooper, the only local officer who has made an effort to meet any of you.

"We're glad the FBI was brought in," he explains with a heavy sigh, "but all of a sudden Joyner's taking meetings with the mayor and calling in you all without us knowing anything about it."

You can understand his hesitation, but you also need his cooperation if you're going to get anything done here.

"We're only here to help," Emily tells him as you turn around to find JJ.

"Has Garcia gotten settled in with the New York tech analyst?" you ask once you find her staring at a map of the various boroughs. She doesn't answer immediately, so you nudge her shoulder. "JJ?"

"Huh?" she startles. "Oh, sorry, yeah. She called a few minutes ago, she's all good."

JJ is usually the focused one who brings you back on track, so you're surprised by how distracted she seems. You nod in acknowledgement, scrutinizing her expression for another second, before heading back to the team. Your eyes involuntarily dart over to Kate's office, and you notice how close together she and Hotch are. You're about to avert your eyes when their body language becomes a bit clearer: each time she leans in to say something, he subtly pulls back.

The dynamic of their relationship is suddenly apparent, and you mentally kick yourself for daring to assume the worst when he first mentioned her. You can't say the same for your opinion of her, though. He's still wearing his ring, for God's sake. Based on how little you've heard about her from him (nothing, you mean), you doubt she even knows about the divorce yet.

Derek and JJ head out with the detectives to check out the last crime scene, while you stay back with Emily and Spencer to build the anti-geographical profile. When another victim is shot, you head to the new scene to see if you can build a working profile.

"It's a different borough again," you sigh after getting out of the SUV and joining Hotch, Kate, Derek, and JJ in front of the body. "Prentiss and Reid are back at the office still working the profile from a geographical angle. We're starting to think maybe we should get officers out onto the high-traffic intersections, and maybe even get some of us out there too."

"Uniforms are rounding up witnesses," Kate jumps in, ignoring you. "It doesn't seem like anyone got a clean look."

You see Derek glance at you out of the corner of your eye, but you don't entertain the look. If she has some issue with you that you aren't aware of, you won't give her the satisfaction of letting her get to you. "The unsub's probably gone before anyone even realizes it's happening,"

Hotch nods, turning to face Kate. "Is this what it felt like during the Son of Sam."

She returns his gaze. "First we realized that if the violence was truly random, there was almost no way of stopping it. Seems like these people have figured that out."

You look up, trying to see if there's anything in the vicinity you can use to ID the unsub. Your eyes catch on a security camera outside one of the delis directly behind you. "From the placement of that camera, odds are the only view they're going to get is the back of his head."

She frowns. "Let's not be too quick to decide what we do or don't have."

This time it's both Derek and JJ that glance at you, but you turn to Hotch, who is avoiding meeting your eyes. Kate steps away to speak with the detectives at the scene, so you grab his arm and pull him aside. "What is her problem?"

He exhales, rubbing a hand over his face. "FBI brass has made it clear to her that if she doesn't bring this case home, she's going to be reassigned. And you are at the top of the list to replace her."

"Replace her?" you echo, trying to process what he's saying. "I haven't even been in the BAU that long."

"It's not about field experience," he says, angling his body so that you're separated from the others. "You've been with the bureau longer than I have, and your work speaks for itself. It's not a surprise that they'd want to promote you."

You still can't wrap your head around the fact that you could be leading a unit yourself, or that you may have to leave the team you love, so you focus on what you do know. "I thought the bureau was proud of the fact that they stole her from Scotland Yard."

"I don't know," he shrugs, glancing back at her. "Politics here are different."

***

After finishing up at the crime scene, the whole team heads to the hotel to get some rest for the night. You feel more alert than you usually do after a long day of building a profile, and you adjust your bag strap on your shoulder as you dig around the side pockets for your room key. You don't plan on going to bed for at least a few more hours, and you might as well use the time to work on the case, but you need your key if you're going to get any sleep at all.

When your fingers finally catch on the thin plastic card, you look up to see a familiar face that you've been seeing more often than not, as of late. "Wait, isn't that..."

JJ looks up with a start, and she doesn't look distracted for the first time all day. "Will."

He gets up from the lobby chair he was lounging in and approaches her. "Hey, I took a shot and flew to D.C., but when it didn't work, I figured a train ride to New York was only a few more hours."

"Detective." Hotch reaches out and shakes his hand, before glancing at you with a frown that says, Did you know he was coming?

You shake your head imperceptibly and turn back to Will as he looks longingly at JJ. "Look, I'm sorry for showing up like this. I know you're working, but I can't stand you being on this case and me not being near." He pauses for a beat. "Not with what's going on."

That makes you frown too.

Hotch echoes your thoughts. "Is there a problem?"

JJ takes a deep breath and turns around to face all of you. "I'm pregnant."

Oh my God.

"Oh, my God," Emily exclaims, pulling her into a hug, the first of you to regain her bearings after hearing the news. "JJ, congratulations."

"That's amazing, JJ," you grin, hugging her next.

You don't miss how stiff Hotch is as Will shakes his hand. "I've asked JJ to marry me."

"Will," JJ says tightly, a warning in her voice.

He chuckles. "Well, we're working out some kinks."

"We'll give you both some privacy." Hotch turns away from them, his face falling the moment she can't see him anymore. You know he's hurt that she didn't trust him with this information, but you're surprised by just how downtrodden he seems.

JJ rushes after him. "Hotch-"

"JJ, you could have told me," he says softly, his voice both confused and stung.

She looks down. "I know."

"Because I understand if you need to take some time."

"No," she shakes her head, without a look back. "I want to be here."

"Okay," he nods, not looking at any of you. "7:00 AM."

You try to catch his arm as he walks off, but he either ignores it, or he doesn't feel you reaching for him. You choose to believe it's the latter.

***

You all deliver the working profile to the police officers first thing the next morning. While you're explaining an alternate possibility, Garcia calls with an update that a possible unsub was caught on camera shooting someone on a subway platform at one of the intersections you suggested that your team patrol yesterday.

"We could have had that guy," you say, your voice fuming with anger as you turn to Kate with a glare you haven't used in ages.

She doesn't falter. "Even if we were on that platform, odds are he would have moved onto someone isolated."

"Maybe, but it was worth taking a shot."

She fixes you with a stare. "I had every available man on the street."

"And I suggested to you that you use this team." You can't believe that her decision to ignore your advice yesterday might have just cost someone else their life. You can see the rest of the team looking at you with some blend of concern or indignation on your behalf, but you don't care. You just need Hotch to back you up.

Instead he just looks at you. "L/N, second-guessing doesn't do us any good right now."

You're so angry, you can barely see straight. Emily reaches for your arm, but you shake her off. "Hotch, how are we supposed to look these cops in the eye and tell them that we're actually here to help them, if she won't let us do our job?"

"We're here to present a profile," he says simply, not quite meeting your eye. "That's what we need to do."

You gape at him, your back straightening as you get ready to stand your ground. You don't disagree on things like this often, but when you do, it's usually a civil conversation that gets resolved quickly. You've never felt this angry about his handling of a case before, but then again, he's never not had your back before. "We've got seven bodies, Hotch."

He looks at you then, and you can't discern anything from his expression. It's a blank slate that sends a shiver down your spine. "It's not your place to have this discussion."

"Screw you."

You spin around, shoving away Derek and Emily as they try to talk you down. You stalk past them and out of the field office, where the cool evening air fills your sinuses and clears your head for a moment of silence. You stand on the sidewalk for a few seconds, waiting, and when he doesn't follow you out, you just manage to convince yourself that you're not disappointed, but relieved.

***

You're sitting at the hotel bar when Rossi finally finds you. You only ordered a lemon water, still feeling like you're on the clock, even if there's a good chance Hotch won't let you back into the investigation.

"I know," you huff when he takes a seat beside you. "I was out of line."

"You got too emotionally involved," he says, turning to face you. "I know you and Hotch are friends, but that doesn't mean you get to be unprofessional."

You sigh, your body deflating as all the fight leaves you. "I just felt like he was taking her side. Like he didn't have my back."

"There are no sides here."

You nod. "I know."

"And he does have your back." You look at him then, and he flashes you a small smile. "That man will always have your back. Right now, he's just worried about how Kate is holding up, with the word on the street."

That surprises you. "You know about the promotion?"

He nods. "People talk. But if she were to get fired, it would be because we didn't solve this case."

You frown, lifting your hand in defense. "Rossi, I hope you're not saying you think I want her to fail."

"Of course not," he shakes his head. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

"I lost my head for a second," you acknowledge, taking a sip of water. "I think I just needed a minute."

"And you got it," he says simply. "But right now, I see someone who wants to get back on the job. Or is there another reason why you ordered a glass of water at a bar?"

You set your glass down, letting out a surprised chuckle. "Where is everyone now?"

You both stand up, and he leads you out of the lobby. "Joyner took your advice. We're spreading out across the city."

***

"Emily, what happened?"

You rush forward to where she is standing over the dead body of a young man. Detective Cooper was taken in an ambulance to a nearby hospital after getting shot, and you only just arrived on the scene.

"He was strangely calm," she whispers as Derek and JJ come up behind her. "It's almost like suicide by cop."

"Why?" JJ thinks out loud. "Why would he do that?"

Derek looks at you. "We need to walk back through this profile."

Hundreds of thoughts are swirling through your brain, but based on the look on everyone's faces, you can tell they're thinking the same thing you are: terrorism.

After the crime scene officials arrive, you head over to your SUV to get back to the field office. Derek heads out to brief Homeland Security, and Reid leaves to talk to the Port Authority police, while Hotch and Kate call with the update that they will be going to speak with the mayor's office.

You start your SUV and pull out into the street when a loud explosion goes off a few streets behind you, the plume of smoke and fire large enough that you catch the high end of it in your rearview mirror.

You screech to a stop, just as your phone starts to ring.

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Things I'd change if I were to rewrite Mha

A few things for context: These are just things that I would like to see and are all personal, and aren't meant to be a direct criticism on mha. These are for no one else but me, and how I would change mha if I had no limitations such as run time, censorship, etc. So don't take these too seriously. I just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere.

Have it take place over the course of ALL THREE of their years at UA. Like I have always been confused why it would only show them in their first year before all the shit goes down?? (I understand why but still-). I wanna see the kids ACTUALLY learning stuff in school before they go off to fight a war okay.

Put some of the movie storylines into the main one. Such as Humarise, I-Island, and Nine. With minor to major changes to each one. I feel like all of them had a lot of potential plot-wise.

Get rid of the whole Shigaraki/Afo possession plotline... it was really stupid. Focus on Shigaraki himself.

May sound strange, but have it be episodic to an extent?? At least for the first few seasons and have there be a major arc every now and then. Think team-up-missions style. Show the kids being kids while still incorporating their classes and hero studies.

Every character gets one or two chapters or episodes just dedicated to them. Whether it be exploring their personality or backstory. I want to feel connected to all of the kids!!

Deku, Uraraka and Iida are focused on more as a trio. I hated how their friendship was thrown aside in favor of "omg strong shounen trio." Bakugou and Todoroki should still have a relationship with Deku, but stop lumping them together. It feels so forced.

Get rid of the whole Endeavor redemption arc. Well, maybe not get rid of, but rework it. I don't like how Endeavor's feelings became the centerpoint of the todoroki family subplot. I feel like he did a 180 on his behavior way too quickly. Have something big happen that changes his perspective (I wouldn't consider All Might retiring as something big).

Self-indulgent but more focus on the Bakugou, Kaminari, and Kirishima trio!! They're so fun! Also, I wanna see Bakugou's process in making his own friends, real friends, outside of his weird rival-complex with Deku.

Rodydeku needs to be canon Okay but seriously, I would like to see more of Rody and Deku's relationship. Rody should become a more prominent person in Deku's life!

Playing onto that, but have half of their second year take place while the class is doing an exchange program. Based off MermaidMarie's fic, but I'd like to see Deku go back to Otheon. And I wanna see the other kid's adventures in different countries!

Slow Deku's progress down with one for all. I feel like it was going at a steady pacing until season 5 when pacing went out the window. I want to see Deku discover each one of his new powers in time, not just have them thrown at him one after the other.

GIVE ME A QUIRKLESS VILLAIN DAMN IT. I want there to be someone who's so smart at manipulation and intelligent that they don't need a quirk to get the job done.

Someone in class A needs to die. That's all.

More world building! There's so much to be explored with a superhuman society, so explore it!

Deku needs an actual vigilante arc. Not working with pro-heroes, but actually going out and taking matters into his own hands.

Have a theme of Expectation Vs. Reality be more present. This was explored a bit in mha, but not enough I feel like. I wanna be greeted to the idea of heroes being these incredible pillars of justice, how the kids see them to be, and then watch as this idealistic view slowly crumbles before them. Have them see the corruption that comes with the career, the true extent of the pain and misery heroes suffer, and all the systematic issues that come with it. Have them at some point question what being a hero means, and have them each find their own answer.

Better writing for all the characters in general tbh.

HAVE STAIN BE A REOCCURING VILLAIN. HAVE HIM LEAVE A BIGGER IMPACT ON DEKU. STAIN IS ONE OF THE BEST VILLANS IN MHA PLEASEEEEE-

This goes without saying, but the fanservice just doesn't need to be there. Attraction is completely normal, but write it in a way where it isn't borderline sexual harassment thank you very much. Also have Midnight put on some goddamn clothes around these kids for the love of god.

Have the quirk of doomsday theory be more prevalent, don't just use it for when it's convenient.

More Kirishima. Completely self-indulgent but I want him to be a major character.

And finally.... just show these kids being kids. I loved the episodes where they were goofing around, like the dorm contest and the school festival arc. Show more of their teenage worries outside of their hero studies, have them act immature and do dumb things more often! Show them just hanging out. Show them just being their authentic selves. Show this, so that when it does go into the more intense arcs and as the story becomes darker, have them reminisce on those moments of just being them. Have them grieve over who they were before.

[iiheartarc]

MY TAKE ON THE CAITVI DISCOURSE

total wordcount: 1591

I will say that I've briefly commented on their dynamic in the past, but it was worded really badly so I feel like I need to defend my writing skills a little bit as well with this, but that's just a sidenote. 💀

I think what a lot of people are missing when people do criticise CaitVi is that they aren't necessarily hating on the ship, it's what writing choices have done to it.

I'm not even going to even say I'm a CaitVi hater, I'm not (S1 CaitVi my beloved, you deserved better), but I do think the choices that writers made this season heavily effected how audiences portrayed the ship, even including myself.

Idk I hope this insight might give some people more perspective on why CaitVi became so hated in this season, people rlly need to start looking at both sides and not taking criticism as a personal attack. It really could've been avoided too if the writers had added more time or extended the series onto a third season, but that's another issue on its own.

1. Caitlyn hits Vi

I really don't get why people are so quick to defend Caitlyn on this one, especially considering the amount of hate Vi got when she hit Powder. Are both inexcusable? Yes. But I do think that the situation is a little different when it's a fifteen year old child who had just witnessed the death of her entire family and a twenty something year old woman who took out her anger and grief on the woman she loved because she blocked her shot.

I do think that people also do ignore the immense amount of trauma that Caitlyn suffered at the hand of Jinx, but unlike when Vi 'abandoned' Powder, (again, that's a whole other conversation, we know she was not abandoned), Vi was not that direct source of anguish to Caitlyn the way Powder was to Vi. (Pls lmk if you want me to expand further on this)

Again, not excusing Vi hitting Powder, I'm pointing out the differences.

It's then also incredibly tone deaf when Caitlyn hits her on two more occasions with the same gun, the third time being played off as a joke. It really doesn't come off well, especially when Vi had been a victim of police-brutality even before the abuse she faced at the hands of the enforcers in Stillwater.

And then, even after all this, it's never addressed. It's brushed over, like Vi's entire trauma in the show, the most we get is Caitlyn brushing her hand over Vi's abdomen in the cell scene. Again, can be taken as an apology, but I think that for some very specific things (like hitting your romantic partner), verbal apologies do need to be made in order to communicate healthily and somewhat build a healthier relationship.

I don't really want to talk about the abusive implications of this, because I don't think I'm someone who can talk about it with a full understanding because that's something I've fortunately never been through, but the blatant disregard and shunning of abuse survivors when they pull up the red flags raised because of this is disgusting. In real life, or if it had even been someone else in the show, if the ship had been a heterosexual relationship, people would call Caitlyn an abuser and would be outraged that Vi had been paired with her in the end. But I digress.

1. The cell sex scene

Initially I hadn't been too bothered about this when I had first watched the episode, but when you really think about it, it shouldn't have happened. Hell, they could've had sex in Caitlyn's office and half of the criticism wouldn't have happened, the ship wouldn't be so hated and the fandom wouldn't be half as divided as it is now (from what I've seen).

First and foremost, the cell.

All I can say is wtf. It was such a poor choice it's actually unfathomable to me now. I don't know why the writers thought that it'd be a good idea for Caitlyn and Vi to have their first time in a jail cell, not only the one Jinx had been locked in, but the one Vi had herself been locked in for what we can assume to be hours. The place of her abuse should not be somewhere where the writers could possibly think would be a suitable for a victim to have such an intimate moment with her partner.

Then there's the fact that Vi had looked to have had some sort of breakdown, we see she's sh and there are literal crates in the wall from where she punched it as well as her knuckles bleeding. As soon as she sees Caitlyn, there's a parallel to when they first met, to when Vi is quite literally caged. She's clearly not in the right state of mind, and so when the scene eventually happens it inevitably comes off as wrong because Vi is incredibly emotionally vulnerable in that moment.

"But Vi initiated it!" That still doesn't make it okay. I do think that this also came with an issue of timing, but then again, as I mentioned earlier, it literally could've been in the office as they argued and it would've been recieved so much better then the cell scene was. Vi wasn't breaking down, she wasn't locked in a reminder of the abuse she faced and her sister hadn't just ran off to do goodness knows what (in Vi's POV, us as the audience know exactly what she's about to do). They could've even have it fade to black and cut to the next scene tangled in bed doing whatever they would've been doing in the cell, Vi would assumably have had time to calm down, would be having sex in a warm and safe environment, and guess what? The audience would've been even happier.

Sure there would've been criticism, but Vi could literally save a thousand babies and adopt them all and still face hate, because a lot of the hate is being directed to Vi too because of the situation with Jinx. That, again, is a whole other situation.

3. "Dirt Under Your Nails"

Again, for the love of god, there can be so many takeaways from this sentence but do not be surprised that people didn't like it. I didn't, it made me cringe horribly.

And before people throw 'media literacy is dead', this whole post (practically essay), is analysing a piece of media that I love. To be literate, you can draw different interpretations and conclusions and that's exactly what I'm doing. It's like saying literacy is dead if two people were to disagree on what the meaning of Macbeth's quote 'I am in blood' meant.

I digress.

I think the main issue here is the class difference between Vi and Cait. Caitlyn is from the aristocracy, a direct heir to a position of power in Piltover, while Vi is lower class, effected indefinitely by growing up in poverty. Even though she grew up as Vander's kid, they were still 'scraping for scraps'. The wealth margin between the two is almost immeasurable, and with the difference in money comes a difference in experiences, as we - the audiences - know.

It especially comes off wrong considering the class tensions and political themes heavily focussed on within the first season. The conflict between Piltover and Zaun, the abuse of power and exploitation of Zaunites by both topside and the chembarons, the prevalence of police brutality on the streets of the Undercity. Again, Vi is someone who is directly effected by this, while Caitlyn came into this blissfully naïve. She did learn yes, and in s1 she was so determined to help, but when then this progress reverts into her calling zaunites 'animals' and using the grey as a weapon, it again makes Vi's words feel uncomfortable.

Again, I think this was a massive timing issue, I would've love to see Caitlyn succumb fully to a villain arc. It would've been so interesting to delve into.

I think Vi has always had the image of herself that she'll always be viewed as less by Piltover, that she herself views herself as less. She says it herself to Vander in s1 ep2 while they're on the bridge, "I grew up knowing I'm less than them." So when she then says as her final words in the show, "I'm the dirt under your nails" obviously, that's going to come across as tacky.

People are free to think of romantic connotations for this, I won't stop you, but when you think about how the show was so focussed on class tensions, police brutality, oppression and exploitation, it doesn't come off right. Idk, that's what got me so interested with the show in the first place, the way these themes were explored so deeply but subtly in a way that didn't feel forced, so Vi's words really rubbed me the wrong way.

Conclusion

So I hope everyone that read somewhat gets where I'm coming from, this was my attempt to try and explain what I think needed to be, badly. Again, you can like the ship, I'm not saying I don't, but it also needs to be acknowledged that there is so many things that could've been worked on properly, done properly or addressed properly, and ignoring criticism won't help these issues to be fixed in the future.

Feel free to ask any questions and thanks for reading this long ass rant :)

[tookishcombeferre]

Sofia the First: A Lesson in Visual Literature

This is the most Parent-TM thing I will likely ever write. So, if this doesn't interest you, I'm sorry. But, it's something I actually deeply appreciate about the construction of Sofia the First's writing as someone with a small child.

Sofia the First is actually structured a little bit like an old school epic.

We have a protagonist who goes on a true hero's journey.

From the opening pilot to the finale we open and close in the village house in which Sofia lived. We get explicit commentary on how much she has changed over time. She has, physically, aged. She has gone on literal adventures to different realms and places. Interacted with (almost) god like beings. And, in the finale, even descends and ascends, into an "underworld" of sorts. It's, in every sense of the word, a hero's journey.

The finale especially is set up to highlight the hero's journey arc. The song at the beginning of the episode recaps Sofia's call to adventure, her mentors who each have their own solos (Baileywick, Mom, Dad, and Cedric), as well as the number of times she has had to "cross the threshold" between her world and the Mystic Isles. We see Chrysta (her helper) recapped and highlighted. We see Sofia using the skills she has learned in the Mystic Isles to stop Prisma. Despite the fact that this ultimately fails, and Vor is unleashed.

The rest of the finale is dealing with the failure that ultimately leads to the "death" that is Sofia being placed in the Amulet. While inside the Amulet, she has the "revelation" that her love is her power which allows her to defeat Vor. The "change" and "atonement" pieces are a little dicier - but - the people around her do that/ have done that, and those changes and atonments are what set her free in the end. The changes that Sofia herself helped to cause, the atonements she helped to bring about, are what allow her to be set free.

The gift she received in the end, is her Amulet back and, as is quite traditional, it is presented by her mentor. She, and those who have participated in her adventure, are returned changed. She is made a full Protector. (I'm not sure how I feel about this personally given her age, but for the sake of Sofia's story as an epic? I'm all about it.)

And, the story ends.

Each episode leading the the finale also helps to move the narrative towards that ending. It's pushing us towards that final arc of "Death and Rebirth" to the ending of the narrative.

Which, for a show geared towards 2-5 year olds?

Absolutely INCREDIBLE.

Personal issues that I have with how old Sofia is to be doing certain things aside, it's amazing that they make the hero's journey archetype accessible to toddlers. Like, I could actually explain this archetype to my kid in the next year and a half and be confident they understand "The Hero's Journey" if I simplify the language just a smidge.

Again. Amazing.

Outside of that, the show also tackles things like dramatic irony.

Throughout the show, we often know the villain's schemes well before our protagonists do. (We know Cedric's plans the whole show. We know about Ms. Nettle's plot as Sascha. Etc.) And, it's SO well thought out to be able to ask a kid even as young as three "When you know something another character doesn't, how does it make you feel?" "Why does it make you feel that way?"

Dramatic irony builds suspense. That's what it's designed to do. You want the kid yelling "Don't trust that! It's not going to work! OH NO!" Because, that's what dramatic irony does.

The next layer is when they ask "Why are people nice sometimes and not nice sometimes?"

Because THAT'S where the real talk happens.

Dramatic irony builds the opportunity for social emotional learning to take place. It builds the opportunity to recognize the difference between when characters like Cedric, Ms. Nettle, Ivy, and others are acting in ways that are self-serving vs. self-giving and how that makes them and others feel.

Right now, Squish and I are stuck just on how people feel.

"Sofia is sad. She's crying."

"Why do think that's happening?"

*Crickets*

The question is there even if we can't get an answer yet.

Additionally, all the way back in the pilot we have foreshadowing about the Amulet of Avalor being chosen for Sofia by fate. This eventually leading to Elena's plot to have Sofia help her get free.

Not, going to say too much more about that because that's just true. I love foreshadowing as a plot device, and I'm happy to see it used continually throughout the series.

The episode "Through the Looking Back Glass" is an EXCELLENT way to introduce the concept of flashback. It sets up a magic item that gives easy access to flashbacks without making them annoying and overly heavy handed in exposition.

I also really like the subtlety of the one in "In Cedric we Trust" where we see the illusion of a young Roland and Cedric playing as Cedric is singing. Very subtle. Very nice.

Both are well placed. Very emotive. And, flashback, when done well, should add emotion and emotional context.

Can't wait until Squish is a little older so we can discuss that more because that is a little more advanced that even the dramatic irony.

Finally, we have symbolism.

The Amulet of Avalor, the Family Wand, even certain colors throughout the show seem to carry weight.

The Amulet of Avalor, of course, seems to be the most obvious symbol. It represents kindness, goodness, and love, amongst other virtues. Even after Elena is no longer granting blessings and curses, it still seems to carry the same weight to protection and blessing with it. It holds onto its nature of being a symbol of virtue by being what leads Sofia to becoming a protector of those who need her through her kindness and goodness. It's her wit, her strength, her devotion, and her pure-heartedness that see her through the trials she's placed in, and all of that comes with her association with Amulet.

Now, obviously these are not the words you'd use with a 2-5 year old kid.

However, what I love about all of this, is that it is WRITTEN in a way that can be approached AT 2-5 year old level. There are layers here.

When speaking about the Amulet, you can talk about the way the Amulet itself shows (or leads to) goodness.

When talking about flashback, you can talk about why it's important that we know about the past to understand the characters in the "now." "Do we feel more sad for them?" "Does it help us understand why they did what they did?" "Why do you think that is?"

All of these concepts are SO important to be written at this level because it allows these youngsters to grow into reading and analyzing much more complex media with better literacy skills for being exposed to things that are written in really explicit and obvious ways.

If you read this, thank you.

I'm a parent. I'm a former English major. I also just really want to see people be media literate. I REALLY, REALLY think more shows need to be written for the 2-5 age group in this structure BECAUSE it exposes them to these literary devices even if they aren't explicitly defined.

[peachviz]

I finally finished Voyager so you know what that means.

It’s a Voyager Wrap Up and notes party:

(Beware: hot takes ahead)

- I like and I hate this show. It was my slowest watch. I should have probably started with this instead of DS9 bc as you all know nothing can top DS9 and when you start out with the best meal nothing can compare. But tbh I don’t know if it would have made a difference.

- There’s a problem with this show that I’ve noticed that it’s a common problem within Star Trek as a whole. This one was just noticeable. There’s parts where they build up plots and characters and then half way through they just give up.

Kes was the biggest atrocity, they couldn’t figure out what to do with her so they give up on her and replace her with a new shiny toy. Won’t even get into the misogyny of the situation, we are all aware I don’t have to keep beating a dead horse. (Also aware of the hostile situation on set I’m not interested in that debate)

Chakotay is another example. He starts to lose lines and he kind of just floats. Tuvok is another big one. Because why tf did I have to sit through more Neelix focused episodes than Tuvok???????

Like the writers constantly do this but it’s so noticeable with this series. It’s like Patrick trying to open Sandy Cheeks’s door in SpongeBob and he just holds his hands over the door and goes, “Open Seasme!” The door doesn’t open and he shrugs and goes “Well, I’ve done all I can do.” That’s the writers of this show.

- while on the topic of Neelix. Here’s a hot take. What an incredibly pointless and annoying character. He made a lot of episodes unwatchable. Kes and Neelix have to be the worst poison I’ve ever ingested from Star Trek as a whole and I had to sit through TNG sexism and somehow this pairing was the worst. How incels feel about JarJar Binks is how I feel about Neelix. If you like him, great. If you don’t like him, let’s hug.

- there is something about this show that I feel they do better than DS9 and that is mental health episodes. It’s so subtle and there doesn’t have to be a lot of theatrics. While DS9 is good at portrayal, there are things that Voyager does with the Doctor, Seven, and even B’Elanna that I found the most relatable

- which btw B’Elanna is like super relatable it’s almost scary. I love Kira Nerys, she’s still my all time favorite, but I find myself gravitating to being like B’Elanna. I feel like she had the best character development besides Seven. Now granted, she can do some really selfish fucked up shit. Like the Doctor’s holofamily, etc, but I find her character refreshing. This show needed that.

- Seven of Nine. Idk what to say to make everything fit so here’s a lightning round. The cat suit is fucking annoying. We had to have Gene Roddenberry dying to get Deanna Troi in a real uniform and then we have the goodness of DS9 just to have the men be like “we need to bring back sexy” and then bring this wonderful character just to keep her in a cat suit. A suit, btw, that she doesn’t even want to be in bc in all her holo fantasies she’s either in a uniform, pants, or literally anything else. And don’t even get me started on Chakotay and Seven. What an odd paring with zero chemistry. It felt almost fatherly and then that shit happens bc they had to dispel the J/C shit and I think it was along the lines of Beltran getting tired of Chakotay being a “chump”. ??? Idk if that’s the exact quote but like boooooo that’s boring. It’s just ew no thanks.

- but seven is a wonderful character and if there weren’t so many men in the writing room then we could have had it all. Looking forward to seeing what Picard retcons

- Janeway is an amazing captain and I’m glad we have a complicated female captain but this goes along with my first topic. For the first four seasons, until she cuts her hair, there’s still too many cooks in the kitchen. You have her naked somehow multiple episodes per season until 4 (?) and then she has that dumbass governess holo program. Like by the time she has her hair cut, we could have just had all that from the start. Everyone say thank you Kate Mulgrew

- lastly, I’m glad that J/C didn’t become canon while they were away bc sometimes yearning is hotter than having. Kate Mulgrew stating that it was inappropriate for an office place romance bc young girls shouldn’t have to see (once again generalizing a quote) is totally valid. And tbh I feel like it would be a distraction to Janeway specifically

Idk in closing it’s an alright watch. It wasn’t really spectacular to me anyway. There were a lot of good parts, but I feel like it lost steam midway through season 6 and a lot of it was rocky. I could just be getting Star Trek fatigue.

Picard is next and then Prodigy. Probably won’t even go near Enterprise and I’ll be doing an actual rewatch of discovery to finish it. And another rewatch of lower decks bc now I’ll be able to understand it in total. So the Rankings below will exclude prodigy, ent, Picard, and discovery.

Current Series Ranking:

1) Deep Space Nine

2) Strange New Worlds

3) The Original Series

4) Lower Decks

5) Voyager

6) The Next Generation

Current Captain Ranking:

1) Sisko

2) Janeway

3) Pike

4) Kirk

5) Picard

6) Freeman

Anyway, I have two voyager edits to get off the ground and my notes app looks like the Bible so getting this footage is going to be super time consuming.

Now onto Picard

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s5 episode 4 thoughts

i’m so excited for scully and mulder time!!! and today they’re going to florida!! last time they went to florida, i really liked the episode. and i thought it was funny that mulder was jogging in a sweatshirt lmao but hey!! i am so excited!!!

let's see what we're getting into today... ah, mysterious disappearances!! ohohoho, that is just the kind of thing i would call these two about!!

(author's note: and guess what!! all of that excitement was WORTH IT!! because this episode was AMAZING!! i am so happy!!! i know joy and love!!! everything is good!!! when i am down in life, i shall remember these times and how good they were)

let us begin. these guys are in the woods… oh no! this guy sloan says “the sooner they pave over this swamp, the better” <- he is NOT an ally of the environment, and when it eats him whole and spits him back out, he will have had it coming.

(author's note: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

the other guy who is rightfully giving him hell is named marty. shoutout to marty for advocating for the indigenous species that cherish this forest. what exactly they are doing in the woods is unclear to me, but sloan has this pole thing stuck in the mud. and he can’t move it because it’s in something filled with BLOOOOOD! AHHHH SPOOOOOOKY OOOOOO

WAUGH! i was just saying it was spooky due to the BLOOD, but then the ground had EYEBALLS??? 

did they IMPALE this forest dude with their pole???

this is the end of sloan. well. i said i wouldn’t be sad. but now marty is running too!!! nooo, woodland creature, marty has your back!!!

oh my god, whatever this human or creature is, it looks like when peeta camouflaged himself in the hunger games with his cake decorating skills. which is now the second time i’ve referenced that on this account. but it was incredibly formative to me growing up 

RIP marty :( he was a real one

this is exactly what i want when i sit down to watch an episode. i want to see a forest beast swallowing people and these two hot agents getting deployed to figure out wtf went down. and usually they don’t even get answers. but they look at each other with barely suppressed love. and that is it. the platonic ideal of an x files episode.

now we see a little boy with a dog!!! and his dad. listen to me when i say that this dog better come out of this alive.

woah woah woah ANTHONY RAPP IS IN THIS EPISODE????

honestly glad the guest star credits came first to give me that heads up, because if i had not seen that beforehand, i would have just been pointing at my screen when he first appeared the whole time like YO :0 IT'S ANTHONY RAPP :0 IN *MY* X FILES :0

truly, what a time the 90's were. anyway, he's not even here yet so don't worry about it.

the little boy and the dad are in the woods we saw before, and find some surveyor’s equipment (ohhh, so that must have been what those guys were doing) and the dog finds one of the dead bodies!!! dad tells the kid to run straight home, which is not what i would do if i found a dead body around my son (because i would be keeping the kid in SIGHT)

the boy and dog are running away as dad is firing shots (into what? who knows)

run boy, run with your dog, and do not let his leash go!!

another cut, this time to two people (mike and stonecypher, but as they appear they are just random guys) chattering about team building activities… the miracle of building a big tower together. and neither of them are anthony rapp

BUT LMAO MULDER IN THE BACKSEAT LEANING OVER TO SCULLY “kill me now” <- BAHAHA her faceeee

they have to do TEAM BUILDING SEMINARS??!?!?!? FOR THE FBI??!?!? LMAOOOO and scully has done one in the past, but mulder always calls in sick BAHAHAA!!! she didn’t let him escape this year!!!! 

they are stopped by a bunch of policemen in the road and mulder gets out, thanking jesus for this divine providence, for that man shall not be kept caged. he must stretch his long legs. 

a frantic woman on the side of the road asks him if he’s with search and rescue!! he says no- its the boy’s mom, later revealed to be named mrs. asekoff, and they can’t find the dad! mulder says he is going to figure it out. and so he walks right into the woods. that's a man who is on the case.

LMAO the blonde lady is exasperatedly asking scully where he’s going and she just wordlessly sets off after him. blonde lady is named stonecypher. that is a sick name.

the guy she’s with (named mike) is counting a tree trunk’s rings, and announces that this tree was here 20 years before ponce de leon landed. that’s a nerd alright! but stonecypher and mike announce that they are going to be late for the wine and cheese reception if the agents get them sidetracked >:(

mulder goes to meet with the officer, later revealed to be named michele. and she’s all, we didn’t call you guys. he says yeah, but you did stop us, sooo!!! all she admits to knowing is that they heard shots, but found nothing else. 

oooo, they found tracks that couldn’t be identified as man nor beast. in this context, i know it will be some kind of monster, but you can't help but root for a new kind of animal to be discovered by our fearless agents, even if it is just for a brief moment you imagine the possibility.

scully wants to tell him something while he is talking to michele!!! but he says to wait!!! he wants to save the day!!! she is gonna tell him their ride left, i just know it. and this is why you have to LISTEN TO HER!

the officer is very pretty, but she is offended that mulder wants to come and help out lmao

uh oh, scully's going in:

“how do i say this without using any negative words, scully?” 

“you want me to tell them that you’re not going to make it to this year’s teamwork seminar?”

“yeah” (grabbing her shoulders) “you see that? we don’t need that conference. we have communication like that, unspoken. you know what i’m thinking” <- LMAOOO

it is not lost on me how he has to bend over a lil to get to her eye level. and yeah i’m smiling about it. so what!!

(she watches him, shaking her head with a smile as he treks off) AWWWWW STOP 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

(and her billowing coat moment……. <3) (she had to be hot as hell in that florida weather!!)

((there's a scene later where one of them breaths and you can see the condensed air signature to cold weather, and it spoiled the tropical illusion, in addition to their constant coat wearing, but still. i recognize i ought to suspend some disbelief))

back at the askeoff house, the boy (louis) is sleeping while a scary movie plays, but wakes to ask his mom “he’s not coming back, is he?” <- NOOO buddy :(

she tells louis he needs to be brave :( then mrs. asekoff sadly washes the dishes while the dog whines at the door, begging to be let outside :(

someone is on the computer looking at different animal attacks… IT’S MULDER LMAOOO!!!!!!

(i know he’s doing research on tracks and attack patterns for serious work reasons, but this killed me. where is that post that’s like “i miss using the internet for its intended purpose: looking up animal facts”)

((also getting flashbacks to him watching a hyena documentary in home... he loves his creatures. too bad their last experience at a zoo was awful. because i still want him to go to one. take him to the very nice smithsonian zoo))

there’s a knock at the door and he yells that it is open... he better hope it's scully… he makes a stupid joke but OHHH SHE BROUGHT HIM CHEESE AND WINE AWWW :,)

“however, i must remind you, this goes against the bureau’s policy of male and female agents consorting in the same motel room while on assignment” <- LMAOOO THEY’RE A LITTLE LATE TO MAKE THIS DISCLAIMER

awww but she’s so sweet (and she said it entirely deadpan) (scully you are the most special of all)

“you try any of that tailhook crap on me, scully, and i’ll kick your ass” hold on i gotta look something up <- HOLY FUCK????? um. do not look that up unless you can tolerate reading about women being mass abused. i had to stop here and process for a second the information i just learned.

but let us set that aside to continue wine and cheese time

she just wants to pour some nice wine and he wants to talk about animal facts LMAO “and what does that have to do with anything?” <- lol

OH!! she looks a little shocked to hear that he actually is invested in this case and not just trying to get out of the conference. AWW she wanted to chill :( let her chill!!! let them just hang for a bit!!! mulder, this beautiful woman wants to give you wine and cheese!! how could you think about work at such a time???

NOOO HE LEAVES??!! “you know mulder, sometimes i think some work on your communication skills wouldn’t be such a bad idea” <- GET HIM AGAIN FOR ME 

she looks so SAD... but he smiles his big goofy smile and says he will be right back, and they can build a tower of furniture (scully sips the wine)

i am sad :(

back at the asekoff's house, the dog is barking… but it doesn’t look like anything is in the yard for him to be barking at!!! NOOO, DON’T LET THE DOG OUT INTO THE DARKNESS WHILE THE OMINOUS MUSIC PICKS UP IN SPEED, MRS ASEKOFF!!

look, after what happened in s3, i can’t watch another dog get hurt. 

okay, so the dog snarls at mrs. asekoff, but he seems alive, which is better than what i was expecting. she leaves him outside!!!!!!! rude!! never leave your puppy outside!! but the door back into the house is locked???? she definitely did NOT lock herself out

she’s beating on the door and crying for her son, but no!!!! the woods beast is in the home!!!!

and now mulder is here!!!! girl... how did he know where they live. lmao.

anyway, louis crashes into mulder and says “it’s in the house”. and something tells me wine and cheese night is going to be postponed 

now scully is here, looking around the boy's room…. she finds his scary movie! he was watching the invisible man. she proposes that perhaps this influenced his fear, but mulder points out that the invisible man was INVISIBLE, and this creature he spotted had red eyes. checkmate, scully.

he’s showing scully some tracks in the house, and analyzing the weight distribution. he says his dad and him were indian guides?? that seems inappropriate. is that a joke, or did mr. mulder really take him around the woods to look at stuff?

(later i googled what this meant and learned. but for the sake of preserving my thoughts as i experienced them, you will learn what it means with me later) 

and these tracks are: not human!! not animal!! a secret third thing!!

OMG THERE’S ANTHONY RAPP YESSSS (start the rent monologue internally)

anthony rapp is showing mulder a fancy machine that detects body heat!! in all universes he must have a piece of technology to look at stuff through

the officer michele is explaining that there is no cell service deep in these here woods (cut to scully on the phone attempting to get a signal in the back lol) and there is only CLOSE RANGE RADIO, so PLEASE DO NOT LOSE SIGHT OF ANYONE, and if you get lost SHE WILL FIND YOU, just SIT TIGHT, THANK YOU!!!!

this seems to be strong foreshadowing

scully was on the phone with the police, who thinks that perhaps the individual responsible for the missing people is a wanted drifter- but mulder says no way. he also says it seems like we have two of em, because one lured mrs. asekoff out and one went for louis! ohhh he thinks they’re trying to prevent anyone from building more houses, the survey team was working on more plots… well. you can't blame them for that, really

(they embark into the forest in their matching blue jackets, which i again ask, how are they not super hot?)

anthony rapp points out that there isn’t even any wildlife around!! mad weird… but scully thinks it’s beautiful :,)

NAURRRR A CLAW EMERGES TO GRAB THE STONE OFFICER MICHELE LEFT BEHIND TO MARK THEIR PATH…. the officer isn’t gonna make it, just mark my words

anthony rapp finds something 20 yards ahead in his fancy thermal detector, but they can’t see anything!!!! and now there’s two blobs on the thermal screen!!!! moving in opposite directions!!! nooo, don’t split up to try and catch them!!!!!

mulder is in track star mode with anthony rapp, but they can’t find the beast!! 

scully realizes the creatures are trying to separate them (very smart) and that they must go back… BLEH, they walk right by a beast blending into a tree!! with scary red eyes!!!!

NOOO!!! michele goes down!!!!! WHERE DID SHE GO!!!! scully is calling for help from mulder!!! but something is surrounding her!!!

OH! he emerges and is approaching her!!!

they realize they are being played by this beast and need to try and find michele. anthony rapp is pissed, saying we ought to escape these here woods while we can, but mulder says no, we need to try and find her. meanwhile scully’s trying to call someone which isn’t going to work but she TRIED, okay?? you never know!!

OHHHH, mulder says then YOU go back, anthony rapp. escape these woods yourself. oh yeah, you CANNOT.

and scully says look, it would be great to find her, really, but we have no food or water, so we should get out of here. mulder has some scheme in his eyes and i know damn well he is gonna stay in the forest once they leave to try and find her.

(he actually didn't, everyone cheer for mulder's impulse control working just this one time!)

why can't they see the beast on anthony rapp's special screen?

“maybe it can regulate its temperature. do you know of any animal that can?” “ticks, i’ve heard that they can halt their metabolism for up to 18 years, essentially going into suspended animation until something warm-blooded comes along” <- man they really do match each other’s freak, huh. going bar for bar. they are equally matched in the nerd-off. i love them so dearly

LMAOOO NO, HE IS GONNA TALK ABOUT MOTHMAN???? IS THIS THE FLORIDA MOTHMAN?????

nah, i REFUSE to believe that mothman would migrate. he needs to keep that west virginia economy running. also, i thought there was only one of him, but they’re both saying “moth MEN”, which seems wrong. mothman is singular and irreplaceable.

anthony rapp realizes they’re going the wrong way because he can’t see any of michele’s white stones. mulder is saying no no, it’s the right path, and we all know you should NEVER listen to directions from him!!!!!

OHHHH scully spots something in the distance… the others don't see anything on the special thermal scanner but she KNOWS WHAT SHE SAW!! and she points out everything is quiet again!!! YEAHHH SHE IS GOOD AT SPOTTING STUFF

NOOO, ANTHONY RAPP LOCATES IT BUT MULDER RUNS AFTER!! “talk to him”, she says, telling anthony to guide him where to go; “this is NOT a good idea” “TALK to him, jeff!” <- OHHH YEAH UNSPOKEN COMMUNICATION AND TRUST BETWEEN EACH OTHER🔥

and yes, anthony rapp's character is named jeff, but guess what? it's my writeup and i make the rules.

but then the beast disappears!! mulder sees it, though…. and starts to run after it!! and he fires, but he misses!!!

then scully finds it and she fires a bunch of shots, and holy hell she looks good btw, but that’s neither here nor there. i bet she hit it though. she has good aim.

BUT NOOO, WHERE DID ANTHONY RAPP GO??? he’s running away!!! NOOOOO HE FALLS!!!! and scully only has a few rounds left!!!!

AND NOOO, MULDER FALLS TOO!!! 

he’s being grabbed by the thing and she shoots it!!! whew, she had three rounds!!!!! and he is on the ground bleeding but YEAH SCULLY SAVED THE DAY 🔥🔥🔥🔥

awww now she’s trying to start a fire to keep them warm:

“you were an indian guide, help me out here” “the indian guide says maybe you should run to the store and get some matches” (he says, while leaning against a log)

OHHH MY GOD “indian guide” referred to a thingy in the YMCA, oh so he really DID have bonding time with his dad… how much does it say about his relationship with his dad that i assumed it was a fucked up joke rather than an inappropriately named father-son bonding activity???

(he’s laying back on a log, looking up at her with love in his eyes)

she’s trying to use her gunpowder to start a fire (queen behavior) when she says “mulder, you need to keep warm. your body’s still in shock” (this man LOVES to go into shock, it's one of his few hobbies)

“i was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat is to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with somebody else who’s already naked”<- hey what. any scientists wanna confirm or deny.

“maybe if it rains sleeping bags, you’ll get lucky” <- average scully moment in handling his unhinged statements with ease

(he crawls closer to her, shivering)

woah, major tone shift on behalf of scully: “you ever thought seriously about dying?”

“yeah once, when i was at the ice capades” (yeah idk what that is either but i need to stop googling stuff and get on with the plot, so i assume it's an amusement park?)

“when i was fighting my cancer, i was angry at the injustice of it. and it’s meaninglessness. and then i realized that that was the struggle. to give it meaning” OHHHH MY GOD. he’s looking up at her and oh my god. 

"fighting" was past tense... is she in the clear now?!?!?

“to make sense of it. it’s like life” oh scully... life is what you make of it, huh?

“i think nature is supremely indifferent to whether we live or die. i mean, if you’re lucky, you get 75 years, if you’re really lucky you get 80 years, and if you’re extraordinarily lucky, you get to have 50 of those years with a decent head of hair” <- LMAO BE SERIOUS FOR ONCE!!!!

but it makes her laugh <3

and she is SUCH a nerd as she sings ✨ta-da✨while she cracks open that last bullet to get the powder in the middle 

“hey, who did you identify with as a kid: wilma or betty?”, asks mulder; “i identified with betty’s bust line”, she says, and he responds with “yes, i did too” <- if that’s supposed to be a self-own it doesn’t work because i think betty served

WHY CAN NEITHER OF THEM BE SERIOUS!!

(but she said the kids from the cartoon were cute <3)

((was this exchange a joke about them making fires or just a mean line the writers gave to make scully say something self-depreciating... took me out of the vibe for a second!!!!)

the fire does not work out :(

OH MY GOD, THEY’RE CUDDLING????? (she tries to pick him up and set his head in her lap) “i don’t wanna wrestle” “get over here. i’m going to try and keep you warm”

AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH hang on i need a moment. hang on. hang on. okay hold on just give me a moment. okay. WAIT another moment. oh my god. okay. 

HE’S ASKING HER TO SING??????????? AND SHE SAYS NO LMAOOOOOOOO what is going on. what am i watching.

despite her saying she cannot sing, he insists, so that he will know she is awake to watch over him

SHE STARTS SINGING TO SHUT HIM UP AND HE REQUEST THE CHORUS AFTER SHE GETS THROUGH THE FIRST VERSE?????? OH MY GOD???? 

i feel like i’m reading an incredibly self-indulgent fanfiction, what the hell. i am NOT complaining though. please make note of that. like, underline that: i am not complaining.

BUT THE TREE BEAST IS NEARBY!!!!!!

mulder wakes up on the ground in the morning, no scully in sight!!! she was getting some berries LMAOOOO that hunter gatherer instinct kicking in

(i was about to say "please do not eat the wild berries", but then i remembered with her doctor training she can probably tell which ones will kill you and which ones are tasty. there are many perks to obtaining a medical degree) 

BUT NOOOO, SHE’S GONE NOW!!!

he’s freaking tf out!!! but she just fell down a hole!!!! okay that was the best possible scenario, i guess??? unless it’s the beasts' lair.

OH FUCK, SHE FOUND THE BODIES???? NO, THE RED EYED BEAST IS DOWN THERE!!! AND SHE DOESN’T HAVE HER GUN??

THEY ARE SPLIT UP, SO THE OTHER ONE RUNS TO HIM BACK ON LAND!!! so he throws himself down the hole!!!

OHHH, SHE SHOOTS THE BEAST!!!! 

they stare at his body for a bit… “there has to be a scientific explanation for this”, she mumbles. yeah. there probably is, somehow.

LMAOOO they’re stacking up the bodies and talking about how it’s a teamwork exercise 

the guy from before, mike, comes to find them - but he’s super obviously greenscreened in?? LMAOOO WHAT??? could they not afford to get him into the forest i’m HOWLINGGGG

BUT THEN IN THE NEXT SHOT HE IS REALLY THERE LMAOOOOO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW MAN

(laughed so hard at the dichotomy it hurt a little, but then we moved on)

they ask for a ladder 🪜 to get out of the hole, which is probably the first time i have ever used the ladder emoji

omg michele is still alive for now!!! and it seems that the kid’s dad is too!!!

mulder has a giant bloody gash in his turtleneck… yeah it’s a good look. one of his best, in fact

ohhh he says that what they saw carved into the post down in the cave was the inscription the spanish would carve into a post before they lashed the natives??

he thinks that perhaps the beasts were 400 years old and had adapted to the woods. maybe! idk! maybe he just wants the motel write off, as mike proposes <- LMAO

he sits and chats with mike and stonecypher for a bit, but suddenly wants to go find scully now… HE THINKS THE BEASTS ARE AFTER HER!!!

he is speeeeeding to get her as she packs their stuff up in the motel room…. he’s banging and yelling on the wrong dooooor!!!

luckily she hurries her out just as she finishes packing, and they are on their way

AUGH, THE BEAST HAS BEEN TRAPPED IN THE MOTEL ROOM!!!

oh my god. that was SO good. i cannot believe it. 

so that is definitely making my list of the top episodes, which i might have to expand to a top 18 because there are so many good ones that need to be fit and i just loved it loved it loved it.

mutual saving of the day! cuddling! banter! needy whumped out mulder! scully just wanting to hang out and chill! i’m going to giggle into my hands as i fall asleep!!!!

this was it!! i was right!! this IS the platonic ideal of an x files episode!!! i’m smiling so hard right now!!!

the beasts!! the mystery!!! the CGI!!! the fact it took me a solid 2 hours to write up this post because there were so many things to make note of!!

jhdjsbdjsndkwnhxkefkejfjksfjsndjsnwjmdbwkchemns………………………………

a full day later i am editing my notes and still in disbelief (positive). someone told me once that different episode writers have different takes on the central dynamic, and that a certain writer is known for more shippy episodes, and i would venture to guess this is by that writer/team of writers. while i wish there was more overall tonal consistency, this is the tone that i wish was consistent. but i guess that having it only once in a while makes it all the more poignant!!!

i am very pleased. in fact, i was so pleased while watching this episode, that i began to think about that fic i'd like to write someday where they are tasked with solving some art thefts. and do i have any logistics or plans to ever actually write that? no. but when you see a one-off episode so concisely bring you through a case exactly as a standalone episode should, you cannot help but feel inspired to think of a case fic of your own to set them upon.

i shall enjoy these thoughts, wandering about my head as i contemplate the implications of cuddle time.

[pochapal]

umineko opening live reaction post

due to spoiler avoidance this is now only happening after i'm already like two thirds done with episode one BUT thanks to the magic of trusted followers giving me beautiful spoiler free links (everybody say thank you to @coolstuffiseverywhere) i can now Bear Witness:

immediately noticing from the first three seconds that this is NOT the same opening/song i'm used to skipping. umineko project starts with a shot of i think a record being played?? and then i don't know the rest

this is a very hype-building type song for sure lmao

hi beatrice

the music is very much giving getting turnt at the medieval fiefdom. i'm kind of living for it????

is this what the og version's backgrounds looked like? very dreamlike water painting quality to them

SHE!!!! SQUISHY MARIA!!!!! I HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL AND ONLY GETTING GOOD THINGS IN THIS WORLD!!!

a shadow falling over maria....how prescient

squishy battler......nobody understands how badly i need to put this boy in a microwave

suuuuper interesting that our first glimpse of george is fogged-glasses Adultsona george before the mask lifts and we see a friendlier face

clock striking twelve + the overlay of the first twilight's sacrificial/freedom magic circle + natsuhi in the corner....much to consider

weird pulsating heartbeat effect over what i think is the ushiromiya eagle? the symbol as the rotten heart pumping the poisoned lifeblood throughout the story perhaps?

failsibling void....mimicking the dining room's seating hierarchy?

them!!!! shannon!!!!! kanon!!!!!!!! of course they're presented as part of the Sus People slideshow but that's okay because neither of them ever committed a single crime ever <3

the failsiblings have Become The Joker

more seriously thinking about the comedy mask presentation here....multiple lies and multiple farces define the ushiromiya siblings so this is extremely apt

kinzo => blood splatter => the epitaph (?) is a Very Leading sequence of images. encouraging certain audience associations from the very start.

the image effect here is really making the mansion's windows look like a stained glass relief. evocative of church imagery. thinking about this in correlation with the floating topic of christianity. of the recurring motif of faith and the demonic. of the gospel house. rokkenjima as a corrupt altar.

it would be false advertising to call you game "when they cry" and not include anyone crying in your opening

uhhhhh that's. that's. blood. on maria's sprite there. a bloody maria besides beatrice. symbolically a representation of maria's use as a pawn in the slaughter or foreshadowing some horrible thing that hasn't happened yet? hope it's the former because Maria Covered In Blood is incredibly something i don't need to think about lol.

a.....bottle? wine bottle on the beach? with. is that paper in there? a message in a bottle? really conspicuous image when compared to the western style ornate envelopes that have otherwise been the defining method of written communication in the story. i can think of a couple of things a message in a bottle could refer to/be used for as fits both the witch narrative and the epitaph puzzle.

seagull sighting!!!! after so very very long the titular umineko reveals itself

so that was the whole opening! first thought is the song is an absolute banger and i WILL be extracting an mp3 file from this video because even listening to it a couple of times is super pumping me up to want to read umineko right now lol.

second thing is that i am very interested in the sequence of images/events portrayed in the latter half the opening. the first part clearly maps onto the failsiblings argument and kinzo's demon's roulette and the clock striking midnight ushering in the killing, feeding then into everyone being upset and arguing. but then we get a bloody maria by the portrait, a message in a bottle on a calm beach and an image of a seagull flying under blue skies. some kind of symbolic representation of how episode 1's gonna end? something Bad goes down with maria and the storm breaks and we get the final word via a message in a bottle and then the seagulls cry?

this is almost certainly something that will make an extreme amount of sense after the fact but mostly right now i'm instilled with a deep anxiety for maria. there were a lot of ominous shots of her in this opening. i worry.

but yeah!! glad to have finally seen this!

[allthesunlightwecansee]

The (Un)seriousness of My Practice

I just got done watching a short podcast episode on being an unserious witch, and it helped me to articulate some thoughts and feelings that I’ve been having over the past year. About a year ago now, I had a kind of breakthrough where I figured out how to connect with witchcraft and paganism, instead of vaguely calling myself a “person who wishes they were more spiritual,” like I had for several years prior to that. Not to sound like a YA romance novel, but my spiritualism was a slow build up that then hit me all at once that year. As I���m sure a lot of people on Tumblr will relate to, it was a really exciting seven months or so of figuring myself out before life got really stressful and overwhelming, and my spirituality kind of fell to the wayside. However, even during that period of excitement, it wasn’t like I was performing spells every day or doing elaborate rituals and ceremonies like some witches do (though I’m well aware the vast majority do not). Instead, that year involved a lot of reading and learning and altar building, since I am a collector at heart. I think I finally settled into kind of a routine with my spirituality, which I have come to accept, even though it isn’t what I thought it would look like.

Something that I find a bit intimidating about the Internet in general is seeing people who look like they have everything put together. Some practicing witches online clearly do make their whole lives revolve around their practice, particularly those who have turned it into a career via social media or YouTube. That’s a perfectly acceptable way to practice obviously, but it does mean that online spaces tend to feel a little gatekept sometimes when it comes to unserious witchcraft. I would definitely label my practice as being unserious; I rarely create spells at this point, I am very colloquial with the deities that I work with and honor, some of my altars are built almost solely around my need to house certain books (though I am quite deliberate in what deities I create altars for), I enjoy collecting crystals over working spells, and a lot of my spirituality revolves around feeling and the visual, physical objects that I have acquired for my various altars. I can think of several witchcraft Youtubers that I like and whose content I enjoy that would say that I am not a witch because of how I practice, which doesn’t reflect how I actually feel about myself and my practice. For me, spirituality feels more fluid than that. The fact that I create some spells and hold sacred space for my deities still falls under the realm of witchcraft, even though that’s not what works for other people. I have found that having discrete alters for different deities and purposes, makes it easier for me to connect with my spirituality, because I find that adding to altars, lighting, candles, leaving long-term spells, and other forms of magic work better for me personally.

Because of that, while I am not a serious witch in that witchcraft and spirituality do not rule my life, the practice that I do have, however minimal, does fill a gap that was missing in my life. I have also realized that a minimal practice isn’t a bad thing; it’s why their entire podcasts devoted to small magical practices (my favorite is Demystifying Magic), in addition to YouTube channels and accounts that depict serious career witches. It also means that I still keep my other hobbies, and that witchcraft has not become my primary “hobby,” so to speak. I have collected action figures and dolls for over a decade now, which encompasses all of my teenage and adult life. While I know some witches abide by notions of lowering consumption and just generally having a quieter living space, my living space is completely decked out in my various collections, and that hasn’t changed since I pinned down an evolving form of my spirituality. I think some people would see me as incredibly unserious for doing that, but I don’t feel as though one part of myself has to eclipse the other, just because it is more metaphysical in nature. I also know that I have a lot more learning and growing to do in my practice as I figure out what I believe in and what I want to take with me, but I don’t anticipate the physicality of how I practice changing anytime soon. In other words, my unserious practice doesn’t have less value just because it is not elaborate, and I am more secure in that now than I was a few months ago.

[callioclops]

I've been trying to structure my thoughts about this for a bit, I think I'm ready to talk about Rick and Morty season 7. Specifically I'm gonna talk about the structure of the season as a whole, why it's weird, and why I think it works anyway. Obviously spoilers ahead.

So I'm going to assume you've seen the entire season, and whether you enjoyed it or not I'd take a guess that you got sucker punched by episode 5. The season 6 finale ended with Rick saying that season 7 would be him hunting Rick Prime, maybe actively in the episodes, maybe all happening in the background. After 4 episodes of hearing nothing about it except that it's happening, it's reasonable to assume that they've elected to go with the latter, and we won't get anything until a big climax. Which granted is what we get, but in the midle of the season.

Obviously this is strange, the tension in a season of any show usually takes a dip around the middle in order to build back up for the climax in the finale. But instead we're getting that finale now. Or at least, the tension you would expect from a finale. Previous seasons of Rick and Morty have always had these big flashy displays in finales with very little on that level in-between. I have a few ideas of why this break from form happened, but I want to circle back to that later and talk about the actual finale of season 7.

Episode 10 is one of my all-time favourite Rick and Morty episodes. That may be recency bias, but I think even after that wears off this will remain in my top 5 easily. But it doesn't feel like a finale; at least not in terms of scale. It's a remarkably focused episode, barely even about Rick. It's almost entirely a character exploration of Morty and his perceived relationship with Rick. It may not have the flashiness of finales like season 2 or 5, but it is one of the most intensely character driven episodes of the entire show.

And that's just it, R&M finales typically have both of these things. A central character or aspect of that character to explore; as well as flashy, climactic action scenes. But both of these episodes only have one each. Now I'm not saying that either episode is completely devoid of the other aspect, they do have some. But in each case they aren't a focus. The character moments in episode 5 exist to show that this isn''t character development for Rick. This thing he's been chasing for so long has done nothing for him, it's what he told himself he wanted while shutting out the things he needed. This isn't a conclusion for Rick, so why should it be a conclusion to the season?

On the other side of things, the actual finale shows us incredible character development from both of our main characters. Morty's fear of Rick needing him far less than he needs Rick manifesting as Diane has so many layers to it I couldn't possibly do it justice here. Meanwhile, even though Rick doesn't get much the fact that he listens to Morty when told not to go in the hole hits remarkably well. Even with the suggestion of his dead wife being in there, he trusts Morty. Personally I don't think he would've listened in season 6, or maybe even eariler in season 7. On top of that he's proud of him, enough to make sure his picture gets put on the wall to showcase his achievement (and also caring enough to keep said picture in his wallet).

Separating the action from the character not only created two very entertaining episodes for two very different reasons, but also I think symbolises where they plan to take the show. A clear favourite was chosen: character over action. If only one were to be in a finale which would it be? Now we have our answer, and knowing that answer makes me incredibly excited for season 8.

[questforgalas]

Hellooooo ✨ I'm here for the TBB Finale celebration!!! I can't believe we got here...

My favorite episodes are:

S1E1: Aftermath - this one has to be among the list. It's the one that started it all, and the way this episode sets everything up and the way it's written is top tier for me.

S1E4: Cornered - one of my most rewatched episodes. Even though there's no Crosshair in this one, it's a major comfort episode for me. When I think back to the times I rewatched TBB season 1 in my room back home, I often picture this particular episode.

S1E11 & S1E12: Devil's Deal and Rescue on Ryloth. I love the Ryloth arc for many reasons: Crosshair, Hera, Chopper, Howzer, the Tech TurnTM, but also, Rescue on Ryloth was the first episode of TBB that physically made me cry. It was the moment when Crosshair looks at the ship Hunter and the others are on and then he looks away for a moment looking so sad - hey, I lost it. Before that, I never actually cried with anything fictional before, so I was shocked (all teary and weeping over Crosshair but also questioning "why is liquid coming out of my eyes???") that it had happened but I also realized just how much the show meant to me.

S1E15: Return to Kamino - painful as it was, this is one of the episodes I've rewatched the most for the great writing, the music, and all the good Crosshair moments.

S2E3: The Solitary Clone - CROSSHAIR EPISODE YAY

S2E4: Faster - TECH EPISODE WITH PHANTOM MENACE POD RACING NOSTALGIA VIBES YAY

S3E3, S3E4, & S3E5: Shadows of Tantiss, A Different Approach, The Return - this arc where Crosshair and Omega escape and return with Clone Force 99 made me physically feel the chemicals coursing through my brain. These three episodes just have so much soul to them and it was also incredibly meaningful to see Crosshair going home. In case you don't know this about me, the whole subject of "going home" is really near and dear to me so these three episodes were hitting all the soft spots in my little heart.

THIS TURNED OUT VERY LONG hehehe thank you for doing this little celebration ❤️ I had a nice time reflecting on my favorite arcs.

FENNEC SHAND MY BELOVED ughhhh Cornered, such a good episode! I loved getting to see the boys first dealings with the galaxy as civilians and learning the hard way that some children need to be put on a leash (coming from a former leash child)

I’m also a sucker for the Ryloth arc. I in general loved the series pattern of one episode mid season being very world building and less about the Batch, let alone young Hera and meeting Howzer was SUCH a cool story to do.

Solitary Clone my beloved. Shot down the barrel? Marry me please

The beginning half of season 3 was perfection and I love the episodes you chose. The Crosshair and Omega dynamic was so touching and so well done. And The Return replays in my head constantly, I love it so much

Thanks for playing!!!

Reblog, reply, or send an ask of your favorite TBB episodes and/or arcs!

[itsthenovelteafactor]

OMITB S3 Thoughts:

Overall, really enjoyed season 3. I do consider it a bit of a step down from seasons 1 and 2, but there is a lot to enjoy and appreciate and I am looking forward to season 4!

Things I liked:

The. Musical. Numbers. 

They were so good and weird and surprisingly emotional

Honestly all the Broadway stuff made my inner theater kid happy

The main three are delightful as always!

I was so happy Uma and Howard got character spotlights! 

The parallels between the play and the mystery *chefs kiss*

Loretta. Meryl Steep was incredible as always and I loved her in this role. Definitely my favorite of the new characters this season I hope we see more of her! 

Mabel learning ASL!

Charles and his emotional support fish

Costuming as always is great. I want Mabel’s sweater collection.

Mabel’s notecard script in the last episode was GOLD 

Spitzprobe might be one of my favorite episodes of the show as a whole 

Things I didn’t like as much:

I did feel like some of the characters built up in the first two seasons got put on the back burner for the new cast

Biggest ones were Will and Lucy. Like, Will especially because his father had a heart attack and he wasn’t mentioned?? Oliver fully wrote the musical at the end he’d definitely be coming with VIP seats, right? 

Trio was so great together but only really came together the last few episodes. :/ 

WHY DID SELENA GOMEZ NOT SING?? 

Also. Like. I am a huge Theo fan and seeing him back was delightful and James Caverly is always a standout but I feel like we jumped over some pretty important stages in his redemption arc that I would’ve loved to see. Like, we went straight from “maybe you’re not such a bad guy” to sleepover buddy. I will admit I was looking forward to a drawn out healing/forgiveness process that kind of got skipped over.

Especially since both the play and Ben’s death involved someone getting pushed from the top of a building and the Zoe parallels were right there and never got acknowledged. 

Also rip Oliver that his past two producers have gotten arrested and had sons that killed someone by pushing them off the top floor of the same building maybe he IS cursed. 

Literally why did Mabel not get to sing. Like, I know Mabel the character is probably not a huge singer but it’s Selena Gomez. Y’all could’ve done something.

Miss the Arconiacs! 

I realize this section is way longer than the first one but it’s just because I have more thoughts not because I dislikes more things.

WHERE WERE WINNIE AND MRS. GAMBOLINI??

Wishlist for season 3:

More Will! He’s the last functional character let him get in on the shenanigans please.

More Lucy! I love the energy she brings to the show it’s so good.

Mabel does not need another love interest. Have not cared since Oscar left. (Did people not like Oscar? He’s such a sweetheart I miss him I hope his yoga studio is doing well) 

More of the trio being buddies in general

Theo getting some interactions with Charles and Oliver maybe? Half-brother reveal? 

More hanging out with the Arconia residents 

Would like some explanation for why Theo is not in jail. I’m not upset about it but like…he should totally be in jail? 

More Detective Williams

Honestly with the established characters I’d love to mix up and get some new dynamics like Will and Charles? Uma and Mabel? Oliver and Lucy? Williams and Howard?

There to be an homage to a study in scarlet with different interpretations of what Sazz wrote

You know what Mabel should sing. I’m still holding out hope.

The next time they do a montage of different people reacting to the podcast cut to Theo reading a transcription. I just think if a podcast accuses you of murder the very least they can do is make it accessible to you.  

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 28/02/2024

Crank Dat City (2016)

Season 4 Episode 2 Featured on: Sensational Celebrations ~ The SiIvaSummer All​-​Star Festival Collection [Event Side]

Ripped by adumb, ChickenSuitGuy, RHMan

Requested by minindo!

Hot off the heels of covering his magnum opus, the next rip in line just so happened to be one requested by minindo himself, one that I'd somehow never heard before. That did genuinely surprise me, because it was effectively the grand finale to one of my favorite surprise mini-events: the celebration for Dat Boi! Remember him? Remember Koopa Street? Yeah, after a whole day of remembering this dumb meme from such a strange period of the internet, it was all wrapped up with Crank Dat City (2016).

Funny enough, this is actually the second rip of Crisis City from Sonic 06 I've covered, after THIS. IS. SOLEANNA. I think the strength of both rips is evident from just the first few seconds of listening - the prominence of the song's lead synth makes any replacement or addition to it way funnier as a result. In THIS. IS. SOLEANNA that was done to replicate the style of Sparta Remixes, and a month therafter Crank Dat City (2016) builds on it in the most natural way possible - Dat Boi's smashing steel drums setting the stage for a very funny rip right off the bat. Yet the rip doesn't ever settle into a groove, for as funny as that bit alone is. We've got segments of odd jokes from all over internet culture featured here, including a surprise appearance of Goomba Got Back before its hit album release in Season 7, a hint of letting the Bodies hit the floor, a segment with Big Shaq's Man's Not Hot...

Its hard to draw much of a throughline with these jokes, but if there was to be one...I feel like most of them fall into the category of feeling "forgotten" about, in that they're well past their prime time of being considered funny. Bodies was, much like Paralyzer of YACKER TOILET fame, an icon of the old internet, yet one that seems to have been left behind by the passage of time - similarly, Goomba Got Back at one pointed seemed like a...not-terrible and kind of funny way to respond to the criticisms Gaijin Goombah was receiving, but now looks incredibly immature and bizarre to look back on in retrospect. The list goes on, but Crank Dat City (2016) doesn't really linger on them too much, far more invested in fun celebration above all else.

Because that's what was so much fun about Season 4 Episode 2's SummerFes, and the Season in general - ironic, genuine, old or new, it was all just one big party lasting for so many weeks of the summer, as such a befitting sendoff to the King for Another Day tournament the year prior. I could try to delve as far into Crank Dat City (2016) as possible, but when push comes to shove - its here for a good time, and succeeds at that in spades.

[sshbpodcast]

Won’t someone think of the children?! A Dal R'El Appreciation Post

By Ames

Okay, I meant to only do a Rok-Tahk appreciation post because a) she’s the best and b) who has the time to write all these blogposts? But I just can’t help myself. The community’s efforts to #SaveStarTrekProdigy have motivated me to keep the posts going, so here’s some more love for Star Trek: Prodigy. These installments probably won’t be as intense as the Rok post, but check out what makes Dal R'El such a great character.

[images © CBS/Paramount… I guess? For now? Yikes.]

Dal starts off as a terrible captain

The great thing about starting off a character with a lot of messed up personality flaws is that there’s that much room for them to grow. Like I said in Rok’s post: Perfect characters are boring. We saw a similar guided development in Julian Bashir in Deep Space Nine; he was downright unlikable early on until his relationships with other characters on the station gave him some foundation and his experience throughout the seasons provided the building blocks to becoming an ethical, respectable, and likable person. We’re seeing the same thing with Dal, whom we first see as a jerk for a lot of the show. He’s selfish. He’s clueless. He sees his crew members as things that do his bidding while he only does what’s best for him. You’re meant to hate his character. And that’s a good thing, because he’s not done cooking.

Dal comes clean to Janeway

One of the first really redeeming moments we see from Dal is when he first comes clean to Janeway about being Starfleet at the top of “Time Amok.” Damn, I just can’t say enough good things about that episode apparently. It provides so many learning moments for the characters, as you can see in spades in Rok’s plot in that episode as well. Dal could have continued the lie that they are cadets, but he’s growing. And out of some combination of frustration, guilt, and finally doing the right thing, he starts thinking of people other than himself. “Time Amok” is the perfect place for that first step in the right direction since it’s when the kids start acting like a crew themselves, way near the midseason break! Baby steps, Dal. He’s getting there.

Dal has inner demons

The longer character arc for Dal over the course of the season is his quest to find out who his people are. Being the only one of his kind is a huge weight for him to bear, and his loneliness guides his character for better or for worse (very frequently for worse, as mentioned above). He feels alone and so it’s fitting for his character to look out for only himself. It’s a long road to discovering his origins in “Masquerade,” an episode which expounds on his character isolation right when he was feeling like he might belong, and turning that character trait on its head by shifting it to his being an abomination. Dal is incredibly fragile, and it’s only through love from his friends that he starts to accept that he doesn’t need a family because he already has one in them. Sure, that’s a cutesy message, but it’s a kid’s show. Duh.

Dal goes fast

Okay, this one’s silly, but considering the whole Star Trek franchise has decided for some reason that all captains need a catchphrase and also a comical little metascene about them creating their catchphrase, Dal’s quote “Go fast” is probably my favorite. Okay, Captain Pike’s “Hit it” is pretty good too and always delivered excellently (that man can say anything and it’ll sound great), but there’s something innocent and sweet about “Go fast.” Dal is almost always out of his element when captaining the Protostar, and shows his naïveté by calling things childish names like the “pew pew button” and the “beamy part,” and it’s all a nice little giggle because he’s a kid. “Go fast” is the sort of silly that’s appropriate for his character, who is faking it until he makes it. And boy does he make it! Go Dal! 

We love you, Dal! We love the other crew members of the Protostar too! We love Star Trek: Prodigy! Check out the other character appreciation posts for Rok-Tahk, Gwyndala, Jankom Pog, and Zero while you’re here. I know I can speak for not only the other hosts here at A Star to Steer Hey By but for myriad other fans when I seriously hope someone picks up this wonder of a show. We’re really looking forward to seeing more from these amazing child characters, and we’re seriously wishing we get that opportunity. #SaveStarTrekProdigy

[quarantineddreamer]

Hello love 💜 I hope you have a fun and relaxing weekend ahead!

So for the record, I do WANT to watch Andor. I do! I’ve just found my capacity for new shows is incredibly low these days. HOWEVER! We do intend to catch up.

That being said, what are three things you would say to a casual Star Wars enjoyer to convince them to watch Andor before other things?

Hi Gem!! Right back at ya! 💜

And wow I feel like my time has come with this question. (I’ve been training for this lol careful what you wish for! Here’s an essay oops)

1. You don’t have to be a fan of Star Wars to enjoy Andor. You really don’t. You can sit down and watch this show having never seen any Star Wars and still understand everything happening on screen. This is a story that’s powerful and beautiful and relevant and it just so happens to take place in the Star Wars universe 🤷‍♀️

2. The production quality on this show is unreal. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve watched the show at this point and yet I still find something new to appreciate in every episode each time I rewatch, whether it’s a detail on a costume, or something hidden in the music, or a prop or piece of set. The amount of thought that has gone into every single element of Andor just blows my mind BUT even if that sort of stuff is not your jam (I recognize I nerd out a lot about this given my background in production design) you can still appreciate it as a casual viewer. The world that appears on screen feels incredibly grounded and real.

3. (I’m cheating a little here but:) the acting and the writing. There’s not a single bad actor on the show—and what I mean when I say that is that even the background characters, even the characters with a single line, are incredibly well done. In particular I really love the subtle choices found in a lot of Diego Luna’s performance but I’m kind of obsessed with the whole talented cast tbh. Okay okay and the WRITING. I know some people have found it to be slow but that take just really confuses me. This show builds like nothing I’ve ever watched or read before and it pays off in so many ways that you can enjoy as a single-view and done watcher. Or…if you’re like me you’ll watch it again and again pouring over every little detail 😅

The last thing I’ll say is: oh my god I feel you so much on the new show fatigue. In fact, when Andor first came out I literally had no interest. I was like okay great another Star Wars to go with another marvel to go with another etc etc. But I sat down to watch one episode and the rest is kind of history. It is hands down the best tv show I think I’ve ever watched and better than most movies these days imo.

Anyways! It’s fine I guess!! Pretty cool/decent and I’m Very Normal about it. (If you do decide to watch it, you have to let me know what you think ☺️)

[fey-changeling]

talk to me about seth lakeman's music plz??

So once upon a time my beloved mother discovered Seth Lakeman, an English folk singer/songwriter/musician. She bought an album, Poor Man's Heaven, and played it on the way to school (and on the way back) for months and months. Me and my mum have a similar music taste so I didn't really have a problem with this.(it's been well over ten years I can still sing almost every song on this album from memory)

His music is based off folklore and stories of real people, he's done retelling of songs from the 1600s, he's written about his grandparents. He writes about ordinary people. It's all very English, in a way it feels like the coast, and the countryside, and all the stories that lie buried in the landscape. Each of his albums has a very distinct sound, I can't explain it in any other way (i love the sound of Word of Mouth). But also as an artist his style as a whole is very distinct, a few years ago he wrote a song for an episode of Midsomer Murders and me and mum recognised it as him within the first 5 seconds before he even started singing (Ballad of Midsomer County is a fun song with trad folk themes of don't trust the pretty woman in the woods she'll kill you)

i've seen Seth play live a handful of times now (thank god that folk artists always have sensibly priced tickets) and it's always an incredible experience. If you have the chance to see him live do it. He's an incredible performer and you can tell how much he loves what he does. Mostly I've seen him perform in churches (which is so cool) but for my birthday one year me and my mum travelled to Cornwall to see him perform at the Minack which is an open air theatre built on the edge of a cliff.

I can't not mention Kitty Jay, his favourite song. He plays it at every single gig and has done for twenty years now. It's always such a moment when he starts playing it because the intro is always a little bit different and the build up is *gesticulates wildly* anyway this is one of my favourite versions though the intro he's been doing more recently is incredible.

If you enjoy folk or folk-adjacent music, if you like songs that tell stories you'll probably fall in love with some of Seth Lakeman's songs.

Blood Red Sky, Higher We Aspire, Divided We Will Fall, The Hurlers, The Courier, Willow Tree

Also as a side note he collaborated with a group called Wildwood Kin on one album and you should listen to their song Warrior Daughter right now