#the brand new fridge dying would be SO on brand it's NOT even funny. like. I would be devastated.

[imwritesometimes]

me: it's normal for the temp of the new fridge to fluctuate it's working overtime to reach the right temp it's fine

also me: I'm going to vomit until I die if the temp fluctuates any more

[banepenis]

Anyone else noticed this?

I really don't quite know how to formulate words to convey what I'm talking about in a way that doesn't make me sound like the most boring, shit-headed navelgazer, but, it's one of those things that, like, it's that nagging tiny bit of confusion that just won't go away, you're like waiting for that moment where you open the fridge door and suddenly just go "OH, I GET IT", but it hasn't arrived yet and it's looking less and less likely that it's ever going to happen, so, might as well send out my thoughts in the vain hope that someone can explain this to me. Still pisses me off just how much of a stupid thing to get this borderline obsessed over this is, but, man, I'm desperate.

So, like, basically everyone is familiar with the varying stages of, like, product placement in various places, and publicity stunts that every corp does from the tiniest startup to the huge giants who get sway in global politics. Like Mr. Peanut dying of septicaemia and then age regressing into a nutlet and then getting over it. The Mountain Dew-centric The Walking Dead episode. That one male BPD movie that was an elaborate commercial for Kraftwerk. The UK bread brand Hovis pivoting into beer and doing the annoying yeast connection and then getting it incorporated into the third season of Succession for all the alcoholism scenes. TF2 crossover items. It shows up in the weirdest ways, and sometimes it's "Char Aznable car" funny, sometimes it's sneaker war crimes. Gut punches and tummy ticklers.

Anyway, uh, I was with a few friends, playing the new Don't Starve Together special event. It's like a, I dunno some sort of "oh people are playing this game again, time to do a welcome back event to keep 'em coming" kind of thing, whatever, it's kind of neat, no weird season pass things just some cool largely aesthetic-only events that you can see if you frot a bush too weird. So like, I'm foraging, kind of just waiting around for everyone else to finish up with their really important thing they're doing, since I'd already finished up my chores like a handsome cherub of a boy boy, and I notice I pick up an item I haven't seen before. Some sort of junk, kind of thing you can probably refine into some basic resource, but I look at it, right? It's a can of Coca Cola. Like, unambiguously. Except, like, it doesn't say Coca Cola on it? Or even like, Coke? It just says "COLA'S" on it. That's weird, like, I heard they got this kind of brand deal, but why would they then just completely fake it for the joke, like McDoneits? And like. It's not uncommon to put references to things in item descriptions, it's cute sometimes. I read over this Coke can's description over and over again and I just can't fucking parse it. It just says, "WITH OR WITHOUT, CAN YOU TAKE IT?" It's some completely bullshit, absurd, over-the-top creepypasta "hyperrealistic blood from the eyes" type wording. Never seen it before.

So I like, look it up, boolean my DuckDuckGo searches, safe search off just in case, and it, like, takes me to just the regular old Coke website. On the front page, where they've got their current events and whatnot usually, it's just this huge diatribe about this new, "healing, feedback-responsive" re-branding effort they're doing? Which, first of all, makes no fucking sense. Like, the Pepsi UNIVERSE thing, where that one guy just went cummy about that peculiar and homely sphere, was unfathomable, but there was something comprehensible about it. And the time that the 7-Up Insurgency Split-off company made weird new flavors in celebration of their new creative freedoms like "CHERRY HELL" and "BLUE PINEAPPLE" and "CANDLEJACK SAUCE" and "TOP SHOT NASTY", a little unsettling, sure, but there have been weirder things. Like binky-inspired Victims of Communism merch you can buy to support your favorite loser and go sucksuck. "COLA'S" is just someone pretending to be excited the product, and they made it the new name of their whole company.

Whatever, I think, you know, I really don't care about what they do with their canned beverages and their skins, I won't be hocking any more or less loogies into strangers' cans while they're distracted by my long and awesome length, it really doesn't affect me. But nobody else is talking about this. It's, like, right on the website. I asked my friends, who I was gaming with in our TeamSpeak 3 polycule server (I'm not a part of any of that but like I'm cool so I get the member's pass) and they said they hadn't seen the item, so when they get back from chewing the cud I give it to them, and they pass it around like a biscuit, and they go "huh, weird". Completely reasonable reaction, the one I wish I could have had. I tell them this is apparently just the new great venture for Coke. They call me a retard, and it harms me a lot more than I made obvious because like, whatever, who cares? And I like, log onto my computer, and I send them screenshots of the Coke website. They call me a dumbass, it's fake, which humor man X account did I get this one from, when did I make this, dude we were gone for like five minutes what's your issue, you're pushing this way too hard. So I give them the link. They see it and then they go "okay". EUREKA! THANK GOD THEY UNDERSTOOD ME! WHAT WOULD I FOR MORE HAPPY!! But they kind of just leave it at that, they don't have much of an opinion about shit. That's why I'm not in the polycule, you know? Because I care.

Cut to the next day, we're not gaming anymore, I turned off your computer, I'm waking up from my new nightmare where no matter what I do I just can't stop that rat fuck Marley & Me from dying. I'm on my plane to my job at the biggest train on the country, I'm the one they let drive the train because I'm frequently the one so savant enough to track which button I have to push or lever I have to tug like a senior's pud to make the fuel squirt, the wheels whirl, the tracks widen, my fingers happen, the house on the other end of the house, and the pessengers hear my voice so I can tell them about the foods available at every station we'll be stopping at. Obviously I start my day at a train station, one of the ones at the very end, where the train is sheathed. First shift isn't until 20 minutes from now, so I'm just waddling around like a detective, get to see the guys who get paid to salivate on the walls so all the posters stick. Say hey, how're you doing, quite the weather to have, right? Yeah yeah, they say, kind of brushing me off like I'm a wasp but I slick back my wet hair and take it so cool. See the posters they're currently lubing up with tongue and buds.

It's a Coca Cola poster. An "old" one. Just completely normal. It's got "HAVE A COKE WITH THRUPPENCE" on it, like the good old days. I can hardly contain my anger. So I grab this guy by theHey guys does anyone have any recollection of this one TV show were it was, like, it wasn't Too Many Cooks, it was about these two guys where one of them was really, really huge, and the other one was about as tiny as a regular old thumbtack. I don't remember a damn thing about any of it, I'm pretty sure they just fucked around with recipes? Like one of them made a huge loaf of cake and the other one made a tiny little slab of cake instead, because he's approximately the size of a man if he were scaled exactly proportionately down to about two inches with like a ray gun or something. Heh. So like these chefs were, I think one of them could fly? I'm pretty sure it was the big guy who could fly and the small one could hop into one of his folds and travel around the world, helping people solve their cooking conundrums wherever they may end up. I don't think any of the lore of the show was all that well established in the show, they had too much action to get out of the way, it really sometimes did feel like they just, HAPPENED to show up at the place where someone gummed up their grandma's special recipe cup of spum. It really wouldn't surprise me if these charlatans were responsible for cursing all of these cooking appliances so they could engage in heroic deeds to spread their fame and famous, they really did seem like opportunists. Pinstripe personified. A real barberslop quartet.

At last, it's whatever, I'm completely spent, it's like, every single day for months and months goes like this, nobody's believing me, acting like I'm some kind of guy who cried hello, telling me like my information is at war because I'm conspiring about something stupid, it's just another day in the life of a monosexual. I'm getting the plane home and I have my check in hand, with all of those sweet, sweet dollars in my hands, the sweat from my palms is making the ink run but that's how I like it, give those thankless fuckheads at the bank something to challenge themselves with during their workday, I see them, always on my phone, looking at TEXTS, useing YOUBE. Yutube I mean. God, what would you do without me. You're kind of weird for ordering oinge juice with ice though, by the way. And your hair is dripping into my food. So, anyway, as I was saying, cokes just tugging my rump all the time with this shit. I don't wanna start going ME ME ME about everything but I'm fucking APPARENTLY the only guy in the world who knows anything about this, even though it's RIGHT FUCKING THEIR, and the COLA COMPANY, who is basicly like your teacher if you've lived in America, is just changing itself so weirdly and not even the lowest common denominator social meteor jokester is willing to go "uh, THIS just happened" about it. I can't fucking stand it, man! You can't just, do this to a guy. I'm fucking sick to my stomash. God. Oh, yeah, hey, waiter, any idea how long my mancakes will arrive? "Did I say pancakes", is that what you said? Yeah, that's what I said. Boing. Right, where was I, what are we here for... ah yeah, so like, I heard this Formula 1 thing is going well. Is that like a new thing? It seems really cool, nothing way cooler than a bunch of latex clad dudes sucking as fast as they can in big lead chambers of invisible fire. You think I could get into that? Like, I got my license when I was younger, zero points on it, I think there's no way that they can just refuse a guy fWait hold on what was that I said earli

[oodlyenough]

aight... here’s a pretty long yet tip-of-the-iceberg collection on my overall thoughts on bl3 now that i’ve finished the damn thing, every main mission & every sidequest (dynasty dash don’t interact). 

obviously mega spoilers

the good

aside from that one infuriating difficulty spike when i arrived on promethea, i had a lot of fun playing. i found the gameplay a lot smoother than the others in the series (as it should be), i liked being able to climb stuff, i liked having an easy mode tbh!!

i really liked playing amara and i like the flexibility of action skills and being able to swap on the go without having to respec. the brawl tree ended up being very well suited to my type of play, it hindered me only during boss fights and even then at least i could switch to phasecast y’know

i had a lot of big fears about what this game would do and it managed to not do anything that makes me want to, like, burn and salt the earth, so that’s a win

i thought it was pretty funny! or at least on par with the other main games, which always kind of ride the line between funny and obnoxious and sometimes misstep

i enjoyed a lot of the cast, both new characters and characters who were returning but who i had no particular feelings about before, hammerlock, zer0 and ellie as particular examples

hammerlock and wainwright were cute af and it’s nice to see a gay couple in a triple-a game 

thought the twins were fun and funny af i liked them. because fandom is Like That i was a little exhausted by troy before he even showed up but even then, like, idk i liked them as a duo and i liked the break from jack honestly 

a lot of the new gun quirks were fun. i’m not like a big... gun person... but i found some cool ones i enjoyed playing with. 

loved getting to see different planets, it was a nice break from pandora all the time. and skywell was super fun! love the low-grav playfulness from TPS without the infuriating oz kit nonsense

the little quality of life improvements from previous games were great, like fast travel from anywhere, auto-refilling ammo, etc

some of the side quests were really fun. i liked the ratch quest for rhys, the birthday party quest for mordecai, the claptrap dancing quest was sweet, the buff movie buff quest was fun, the quest where i killed grandpappy 2 seconds in and got a reward was funny as hell esp because i drove off a cliff by accident, etc

lots of people had really bad glitches and stuff but... honestly can’t relate the game ran very well for me. advantages to not marathoning it before they’ve released their first couple patches, i guess, lol 

the less good

i played a solo amara and there are some bosses that seem like they would’ve been pure hell to do alone... i was lucky and able to phone a friend for a lifeline in those scenarios (shoutout to @heavybreathingcatt and @valoscope) but if i couldn’t do that idk i would’ve just broken my controller in rage i guess lmao 

why is resurrecting each other so hard? i don’t think i’ve ever done it successfully, because it takes too long and more importantly bc while i’m doing it some enemy will just toss a grenade or punch me and i get knocked away from the ally, rendering it useless

rest in peace maya, the best res AI in the whole damn game, got me through the rampager fight her damn self

there were a lot of characters and themes and ideas that i liked in theory more than in practice... because in practice they felt like a first draft. very often i felt like i liked a thing, and then on reflection thought about nine hundred ways it could’ve been better, deeper, more emotionally resonant, more developed, whatever. 

the angel stuff was kinda nice but... also... my longest deepest sigh ever @ Poor Sad Jack Some People Terrorize Entire Planets And Abuse Their Daughters To Cope With Their Fridged Wife

like the siren lore... wish i coulda heard it without having to backtrack across every map post-game

while i found the game generally pretty funny,  almost all the emotional scenes fell completely flat for me and there were a number of scenes that SHOULD have been emotional that just were not 

for eg i am actually not upset about maya or lilith dying (or turning into the moon as it were) -- i am ok with those beats for those characters, especially lilith getting a heroic sendoff. however... both of those scenes could’ve been more impactful than they were. maya’s i think was better than lilith’s, but both of them felt flatter, either in the moment or in the aftermath, than those characters deserved. 

related: NPCs reacting to major events is fun. i liked to do the tour and check in with all my buds to get their couple custom lines after a big plot thing happened. HOWEVER... those lines are obviously timed which is *mostly* fine but in some cases really, really weird? the lines about maya should stay in rotation for a lot longer. ava shouldn’t go back to LOL LET’S STEAL two seconds after maya’s gone. i missed zer0′s maya lines entirely bc i didn’t track down zer0 on time lol. stuff like that 

the bad

i miss my girls :( we really did keep only the white men huh

the last act felt severely underbaked. i have to wonder how many rewrites this game went through, and how much the back end was slapped together last minute, or cobbled together from various drafts. a lot of this felt very first or second draft, where the characters and themes are *there* but not refined at all, or they contradict each other. the family theme that goes basically nowhere and says nothing. the way the story handles atlas vs the way the story handles jakobs vs the way the story handles corporations writ large. 

for the twins -- lack of proper emotional resonance or development for them is one of the biggest failures imo, because i think they WERE very enjoyable villains and the core concept of like... evil video game streamers is honestly on-brand and funny af for the franchise... but as soon as troy died everything went downhill? tyreen’s non-reaction to her brother dying isn’t even a reaction, it’s not even “tyreen doesn’t care she’s evil lol” which would’ve been a boring direction to take anyway) it’s just.... “we barely wrote a response don’t worry about it”. her endgame is to be a big monster because... she’s ... fame hungry? huh? her motivation fell apart.w whether they went with “troy and tyreen are shitty people who get caught up in a power struggle but ultimately love each other” OR “troy and tyreen are shitty people who turn against each other in individual bids for power” could both have been interesting stories but they did neither. 

i’m def missing some echos on the twins which brings me to another thing i hate although it’s endemic to the series and not to bl3 specifically -- hiding important lore and characterization in random echos in random places on the map without even an indication of how many there are total, how many you’ve collected, where to find them... frustrating as hell. a lot of those echos are some of my favourite material in the game! at LEAST tell me “1 of 5 echos on this map” if you don’t wanna tell me where they are! why is major lore like the twins’ backstories hidden?????? 

and bc i haven’t heard them i don’t know if it’s fandom doing what fandom always does, or if it really is the game implying tyreen is The Evil Mastermind and troy is poor manipulated brother, but either way fuck that entire noise lmao of course the women of colour in the series are just Born Evil but jack and troy and whoever else are just Sad :( fuck off actually 

typhon... sucks... what an irritating character. irritating to retcon him in as The First Vault Hunter, irritating to have him talk about shit and sex all the time, irritating to have every established NPC be like oh wow my HERO typhon deleon what a HERO i LOVE him, irritating that we skate over his parenting failures, irritating that he has a fridged beloved wife, ESPECIALLY irritating he gets a memorial sidequest and maya didn’t . just. bad.

aurelia is evil now cause reasons... bad... 

vaughn also bad lmao i can’t believe they made amara yell “blood feud”... disgusting... 

the playable had no role in the story. they’re just a fly on the wall in every cut scene. this is whack in general, and a crit i can apply to all of the main borderlands games, however it is extremely jarring to play amara in a siren-heavy game and have no one acknowledge it. 

OVERALL... I guess like a B-? Maybe a B. I had fun playing it and I’m still having fun running around in Mayhem Mode and I am def looking forward to the DLCs. Gameplay is great. But while I had hoped this installment would take the storytelling of the main games a step further, it actually felt like a step back in virtually every respect. 

[zen3to5]

J/H 3-18: Eric’s Naughty No-No

If you thought the last episode was a bit of a cheat, with so little new material, this will hopefully take care of that.

We're going to assume now that throwing Zen into Season 3 would affect the production order at this point. Instead of "The Trials of Michael Kelso," 3-18 is now "Eric's Naughty No-No." Once again, the "A" story with Eric and Donna and the "B" story with the Formans are left alone and preserved for context. But there's an all-new runner, all for Hyde, and that attitude he had about Jackie in "Ice Shack" is gonna start paying off...

FF.Net AO3

---

SHOW TITLE   INT. THEATER - NIGHT   A film in progress, a thin crowd. Heavy breathing and terrible porno music are the only sounds coming from the screen. ERIC, FEZ, HYDE, and KELSO, near the front of the theater, all look up at the screen in a daze.   FEZ: Oh, my first X-rated movie. I don’t know what’s going on, but that is the luckiest pizza boy ever!   HYDE: I’ll say. There’s at least nine boobs in this shot alone.   KELSO: Guys, I don’t know about this. I mean, I’ve realized lately that attraction is about more than just the boobs or the butt. This kind of trashy porno flick is really – oh, wow! That seems like it would tickle.   FEZ: Oh, nothing’s going to happen in this scene. It’s just two ladies.   Female moaning from the film. The boys all sit up straighter.   FEZ (cont’d): Oh, bravo. Nice plot twist!   ERIC: Oh – wow! Does everyone do that? Because I don’t do that. I just stick to two or three key moves, and... God, they don’t even come close to that.   FEZ: Oh, Eric. I have not done anything. But even I, had I done anything, would have already done that.   Another moan from the screen. Kelso tilts to one side.   KELSO: I’ll be right back.   He scrambles out of the aisle as the others keep watching.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Temptation” by Perry Como.   INT. THE HUB - DAY   A pleasant weekend morning, with a light crowd in the Hub. On the far side of the booth seat, a GUM-CHEWING BLONDE, her back against the wall, talks with Hyde, who leans with one hand against the wall just above her shoulder. “Temptation” plays on the jukebox.   BLONDE: So, Hyde, are you still on probation?   HYDE: (nods) Just checked in at the precinct yesterday.   The blonde’s eyes widen, and she paws at Hyde’s jacket as she pops her gum.   HYDE (cont’d): Yeah. My probation officer’s not a bad guy, you know? He keeps it simple, keeps it short...   Hyde reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, crumpled paper bag.   HYDE (cont’d): And he ain’t too careful with his contraband.   The blonde squeals and swats him playfully on the chest. Hyde grins and puts the bag away.   HYDE (cont’d): So, you ever been cruisin’ in an El Camino?   BLONDE: Oh, my God. Hyde, you are the coolest!   She bobs on her feet, giggling, and the mask of cool slips off Hyde’s face. We cut to:   FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. In place of the blonde is JACKIE, wearing her cheerleading uniform and letter jacket and surrounded by stage lights. She is ten times as bubbly and admiring as the blonde.   JACKIE: Oh, my God! Steven, you are the coolest! Oh, can we have a Circle when we get over to Eric’s? I love that you turned me on to those! Ooh, those sunglasses are so mysterious. (gasps) And all this time, Led Zeppelin was a band? They’re amazing!   She starts a cheer routine as the fantasy sequence fades away.   The blonde has retrieved her bag and heads for the door, tugging on Hyde’s arm, but he stands firm and gently pulls her back in front of him.   HYDE: Uh, you know what? I can’t.   He offers a half-shrug by way of apology and leaves the baffled blonde behind as he crosses the room and leans on the pinball machine. He lets out a long breath and shakes his head.   Pushing himself upright and turning around, Hyde sees the blonde making out with a JOCK near the door. When they break apart, the blonde has a sultry gleam in her eye, and the jock is completely out of breath. He reaches into his mouth and takes out the blonde’s gum.   JOCK: All right!   He takes the blonde by the hand, and they hurry out the door. Hyde leans back against the pinball machine.   HYDE: Oh, holy hell.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   The sun shines in from the patio door. KITTY is hard at work on the stovetop, spooning filling into a pie crust.   RED strolls in from the living room and takes a whiff of the kitchen air.   RED: Mmmm, smells good. Watcha making?   He takes a beer from the fridge.   KITTY: (still working) Oh, a little lemon meringue and pot roast and my sister Paula is coming and seven-layer salad.   RED: Ahh. Seven-layer – hey, wait a second.   Kitty sets the spoon down and looks up at Red.   KITTY: Red, now please, be nice. We haven’t seen her in almost six years.   RED: Yeah. Not since she got arrested.   KITTY: No, no, no, not arrested, detained.   RED: She showed up in the back seat of a police car with lights flashing. I had to tell the neighbors she was the mayor of Cincinnati.   Outside, a car horn honks. Kitty hops and claps.   KITTY: Oh, there she is.   RED: You wait. She’s gonna hit me up for money like she always does.   They cross to the patio door.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY – DAY   Red and Kitty step out into the drive. A nauseatingly pink THUNDERBIRD slowly pulls in. The logo for KATHY MAY COSMETICS adorns the back window. The Thunderbird manages to rear-end the Toyota in the garage, breaking the taillights. Red scowls.   RED: That’s gonna cost me.   Out from the car steps Kitty’s sister PAULA, tanned and brunette, but with the same happy energy as Kitty. She is dressed in the same shade of pink as her car.   KITTY: Oh, my God!   PAULA: Kitty!   KITTY: Oh, my God, look at you!   PAULA: I know! I know! I’m fabulous!   They rush to embrace each other, sharing the shrill cackling that only the best of middle-aged sisters can share. Kitty looks her sister over, and Paula poses.   KITTY: Oh, my God. You’re wearing stockings! Red, she’s wearing stockings! Oh, oh, and matching shoes!   Red nods curtly. Paula smiles at him and steps over to him.   PAULA: Come on, Red. I know you’re dying for a nibble.   She gives him a kiss on the cheek. Red spares her a small smile.   RED: Ahh, Paula. You’re so... pink.   PAULA: Oh, well, sure, sure! I’ve gotta match my brand-new car.   She sweeps her hand out in presentation over the Thunderbird.   PAULA (cont’d): Go ahead, pet her.   Reluctantly, Red gives the trunk a pat.   KITTY: Well ooh, ooh, I wanna pet her too!   She pats the trunk too, with much more enthusiasm. Red walks down the length of the car.   RED: Why did you paint it with Pepto-Bismol?   PAUL: It’s not Pepto-Bismol. It’s Luscious Blushes. And only the top Kathy May salesperson gets one of these babies.   RED: So, you stole it from her?   Paula laughs. She opens up her purse, takes out a big wad of bills, and hands it to Red.   PAULA: I have all the money that I owe you. Here it is.   KITTY: Oh, my God. You have cash. Red, she has cash!   She and Paula laugh together and hug again. Red counts the money. Kitty, seeing over Paula’s shoulder, reaches over to his arm.   KITTY (cont’d): Honey, Red, Red, Red – really. You don’t have to count it.   RED: Oh – of course. You’re family!   He chuckles. The sisters go back to their embrace. Red turns his back to them and resumes counting.   CUT TO:   INT. HUB - DAY   Later that afternoon. “You Can’t Turn Me Off (In the Middle of Turning Me On)” by High Inergy plays on the jukebox.   The guys have claimed two small tables near the counter. Hyde’s chair is turned toward the wall as he broods. Eric sits backwards in his chair as he stares into space, his jaw hanging open. Fez and Kelso are turned in toward each other as they share a basket of fries and sip at their sodas.   ERIC: (beat) Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were... not completely average? Like, you know, they were way, way above average?   FEZ: What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.   KELSO: See now, Fez – that’s not honest. I mean, we all know you’re small in the pants.   Fez glares at him.   FEZ: Fine. You want honesty? I’ll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!   He’s loud enough to attract stares, and he winces at them. Fez shoves the fries away and stands.   FEZ (cont’d): Now good day.   He grabs his coat and heads for the door.   KELSO: Fez -   FEZ: I said, “good day!”   He throws his hand up as he leaves the Hub. Kelso shakes his head and takes the basket in his hands.   ERIC:  Hey, you guys – honestly, you don’t think Donna’s... you know, bored, right? ‘Cause those guys in the movie... they didn’t do the same move twice. And I’ve done the same move, like, always.   KELSO: Yup. I bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they’re like doctors at doing it.   He gains a faraway look in his eye, contemplating the concept. Eric gives him a funny look, which makes Kelso bow his head and cradle the fries.   Hyde looks over at both of them and scowls.   HYDE: Will you two shut up? God, I can’t believe we went to a nudie flick and all you can talk about is the guys.   He turns away, disgusted. Eric and Kelso share a look.   KELSO: (to Eric) He’s got a point.   HYDE: (quietly) The things those chicks did in that movie. There’s gotta be at least a few chicks around here know how to do some of that stuff, too. And I’m missing out on it, man!   He slams a fist down on the table, giving Eric and Kelso a jump. They look over at Hyde and lean away from him.   ERIC: (beat) Hyde, you haven’t been using the stuff you swiped from the precinct, have you?   Hyde turns to glare at them. Eric holds up his hands as Kelso keeps munching fries.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN - DAY   Later that afternoon. Kitty is preparing her seven-layer salad. Paula leans on the stovetop, looking around the kitchen. Red stands near the fridge, nursing a beer.   KITTY: (while working) So, Paula, tell me more about the ship captain.   PAULA: Oh, that was just a fling, you know?   RED: Didn’t you have a fiancé the last time we saw you?   KITTY: Red, now, there is no reason to re-hash ancient history, is there?   PAULA: (to Kitty) No, it’s okay. (to Red) It turned out he lived on some sort of commune where everyone called him “God.” And there were guns. And I could really never figure out why God would need a gun. But there were some fun parties – woo!   She laughs, waving off the memory.   PAULA (cont’d):  Life has gotten so much better since I moved to Indianapolis. I mean, things move so much faster in the big city. One day you’re wondering if you’ll ever find happiness and the next, you’re waving the starting flag at the Indy 500.   Red’s head snaps her way – he’s finally, really paying attention.   RED: You waved the Indy flag?   Paula nods. Red sets his beer down and takes a step toward her, his mouth hanging open. Paula smiles and Kitty shifts on her feet.   PAULA: Well, enough about me. Kitty, dear, what have you been up to?   Kitty stops her work on the salad and turns toward her sister.   KITTY: Well, you know, it’s funny you should ask, because we have been super, super busy. (laughs) I – I – well, you know I was working at the hospital, but with Red back to work and - and with the kids and everything, I decided to – to stay home, and...   She looks around, as if desperate for something interesting to say.   RED: (to Paula) So, did you meet Dick Trickle?   Kitty blushes at the name and throws a hand over her face. Red gives a “what?” sort of a shrug.   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BEDROOM – NIGHT   Red and Kitty are tucked in for the night. They both sit up in bed. Kitty has her HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK open, while Red is re-counting Paula’s money.   KITTY: Oh, well, will you look at this? Here’s me, captain of the cheerleaders. “Most likely to succeed.” “Best laugh.” (laughs) Oh, here’s Paula.   She tilts the yearbook Red’s way and points to a page. Red’s face curdles at what he sees.   RED: What’s that on her cheek?   KITTY: Oh, she had a little sledding accident with her face that year.   Red rolls his eyes.   RED: Typical.   KITTY: (laughs) I know. (beat) Things were so different then.   She flips a page. In the upper-right corner is a black-and-white photograph of a YOUNG KITTY, posing with a tiara at the homecoming dance, while a YOUNG PAULA struggles with spilled punch down her dress in the background. The photo grows off the page, and we cut to:   INT. DANCE HALL – NIGHT   FLASHBACK. Kitty stands proud, the homecoming queen, while Paula scrubs furiously at her stained dress.   A TALL GIRL gives Kitty a big hug.   TALL GIRL: Kitty! You so deserve this. You’re the best.   KITTY: Oh, aren’t you sweet?   She gives a little wave and a laugh, already recognizably hers. The tall girl moves on, and a CORNY GUY in a bad bowtie sidles up to Kitty.   CORNY GUY: Boy, oh, boy. Chet sure is lucky. He’s got the keenest girl in school!   KITTY: Oh, stop!   A still-stained Paula, with her date MARVIN, comes up behind Kitty and draws her attention.   PAULA: Congratulations, Kitty.   KITTY: Thanks, Paula.   PAULA: I knew you’d win. You always do.   KITTY: (beat) No, not always.   CHET, Kitty’s date, strolls over and takes Kitty by the arm.   CHET: Well, I want a kiss from the queen.   KITTY: Well, Chet, you have been an awfully loyal subject.   Kitty kisses his cheek and adjusts his suit.   PAULA: You guys, I’d like you to meet my date, Marvin.   She turns, but Marvin is no longer at her side. Instead, he’s making out with the tall girl from earlier. Paula takes this pathetically well.   PAULA (cont’d): Marvin? Sweetie? Sweetie?   Kitty looks away, uncomfortable.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN BEDROOM – NIGHT   Kitty stares down at her yearbook and sighs.   KITTY: And now, I’m a housewife and she goes on cruises with Dick Trickle.   She sets the yearbook on her nightstand and sighs again.   Red has gone from counting the money in his hands to spreading it out on the bed.   RED: You don’t know what she’s not telling you. I mean, just because she’s more successful than you doesn’t mean that she’s happy.   Kitty slowly turns and glares at Red.   KITTY: “More successful?”   RED: Well, it’s just that she has so many...   He looks up from the cash and sees his wife’s face.   RED (cont’d): And she’s – she’s very... look, money!   He holds up the wad of bills. Kitty is not amused.   CUT TO:   INT. ERIC’S ROOM – NIGHT   The lights are on, but the action goes on. Eric and DONNA are going at it. Eric blows into Donna’s ear before kissing her neck.   DONNA: I love it when you do that.   Eric looks up, his face just above Donna’s.   ERIC: Good to know, good to know. How about when I do – this?   He goes back in and raises the covers, sparing the censor. The awful porn music from the movie begins to play as we move in on an ACTION FIGURE with its hand over its face, its fingers suggestively positioned.   RECORD SCRATCH – hard.   DONNA: Geez, Eric! What the hell?   Donna sticks out from the sheets and wraps them around herself, moving as far from Eric as she can. He struggles to emerge from inside the bed.   ERIC: Okay, okay, I’ll just go back up to the ear.   It’s the wrong thing to say. Donna climbs out of bed, over Eric.   DONNA: Get away from me, you pig! Where are my pants!   ERIC: What? Wait – it was an accident!   Donna bolts from the room without a look or a word. Eric futilely retrieves a feather from the headboard shelf.   ERIC (cont’d): Look, I have a feather.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   EXT. FORMAN PORCH – DAY   The next morning. Donna and Jackie sit on the Forman’s porch. Donna whispers into Jackie’s ear. With each word, Jackie looks more and more repulsed.   JACKIE: He did? What the heck for?   DONNA: I don’t know! In, like, what universe is that sexy?   JACKIE: Only one – the skinny pervert universe!   Both girls shudder.   DONNA: It was so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves. The pig.   JACKIE: The freak.   Jackie scoots closer and put an arm around Donna’s shoulders.   DONNA: (moans) He had just done the ear thing, too. You know, when you have something that works, just stick with it!   She buries her head in her hands as Jackie pats her back – though not without pulling a face.   BUMPER   MUSIC NOTE: “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” by Jim Croce.   INT. HUB – DAY   A lazy Sunday afternoon. Only a few teens are passing their time there. “Bad Bad Leroy Brown” plays on the jukebox.   A few GUYS IN LEATHER JACKETS huddle in a corner, each with a BABE under their arms. Hyde sits near the foosball table with a SOBBING BRUNETTE. An empty fries basket and a check are on a small round table to her right.   BRUNETTE: And so I was running late, and I didn’t have a chance to call ahead and let Jake know, y’know? So I get to his place around 9, and when I went in, he was there with my friend Susie.   She sniffs, dabs at her eyes with a handkerchief. Hyde nods, encouraging her to continue.   BRUNETTE (cont’d): At least, I think it was Susie – it was hard to tell, when all I could see were her legs around Jake’s neck!   A fresh wave of tears spills out of her, and she buries her head in her hands. Hyde gives a sympathetic half-nod and puts a hand on the back of her chair.   HYDE: I’m hearing a cry for a little sympathy and affection. And I’m here for you. And I can also be there for you, in the flatbed of my truck, in about ten minutes.   The brunette looks up at Hyde, her tear-streaked face trusting and vulnerable. Hyde leans away from her, and we cut to:   FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. Jackie is in place of the brunette, an absolute train wreck of tears and bad hair. Dramatic lighting accentuates her depression.   JACKIE: Oh, Steven! It was horrible! I thought Michael loved me! I trusted him! How could he do that to me - how? How? What am I gonna do? Now I’m all alone...   She throws he head back, bawling, as the fantasy fades away.   Hyde withdraws his arm from the brunette’s chair. He scoots back slightly, takes her hand, and pats it.   HYDE: Uh – you know, though, you gotta be careful on the rebound. So, uh, why don’t I...   He takes the check, looks it over, and leaves some money on the table.   HYDE (cont’d): Yeah, and... you call up some friends who can... you know, support... and, uh –   One of the leather jacket guys, a tough-looking S.O.B., marches over and pulls Hyde’s chair around to face him.   GUY: Hey! What are you doing with my girl, man?   HYDE: You Jake?   The guy nods. Hyde nods back before he elbows Jake hard in the gut. He stands, kicking his chair aside. Jake recovers up to his full height. Now that they’re both standing, it’s clear that Jake is at least two heads taller than Hyde is. Hyde stares up at Jake’s fuming mug.   HYDE (cont’d): Oh, holy hell.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN KITCHEN – DAY   Early afternoon. Paula is at the stovetop with a pan, some dough, and a rolling pin. Kitty enters through the living room with a basket of laundry and sees her sister at work. She hesitates for a moment, then sets down the laundry and crosses to the stovetop.   KITTY: So, um, what’s going on here? Packing a picnic lunch for your next African safari?   They share a laugh.   PAULA: No, I thought I’d make my strudel for the boys. It feels nice, having people to cook for.   KITTY: Huh. (beat) Well, um – sounds like your, uh, jet-set life gets pretty lonely, huh?   PAULA: Oh, no, I have lots of friends.   KITTY: Oh, right, right. But, um – all the friends in the world don’t make up for having to come home from the Bahamas to an empty house, do they?   PAULA: I actually enjoy my privacy.   KITTY: Hmmm. (beat) Privacy, loneliness. It’s a fine line, isn’t it?   Paula sets the rolling pin down and turns to face Kitty.   PAULA: Okay, Kitty, is something wrong?   KITTY: Yeah, something is wrong. Why are you here?   PAULA: Because I missed you. And I wanted you to see that I’m finally okay.   KITTY: Okay or better than me?   PAULA: Better than you? Oh, Kitty. You’re my sister and I... okay, fine! I’m finally a success and I wanted to come back and rub your face in it! And I did, and I liked it!   She stands up tall and gives a snotty nod. Kitty stares her down.   KITTY: Well, good for you. It must have been hard, living in my shadow because I was popular and you weren’t, and I had a life and you didn’t. That’s right, I said it! You heard me! You were a schlub! A schlub!   The sisters glare, daggers in their eyes.   Paula breaks first, falling into laughter. Kitty follows her, and they embrace.   KITTY: Oh, I am so sorry.   PAULA: Oh, I’m sorry too.   KITTY: I just... I don’t know what is the matter with me.   She starts tidying up around the stovetop, just to keep her hands busy.   KITTY (cont’d): I should be just thrilled that you’re finally on your feet, and instead, I’m just... I’m acting like a jealous little ninny.   Paula stops Kitty’s tidying and takes her hands.   PAULA: Kitty, would you like a makeover?   KITTY: Oh, I really would.   PAULA:  Okay.   They laugh and hug again.   KITTY: (beat) I won’t look like a whore, will I?   Paula shakes her head and leads Kitty out of the kitchen.   CUT TO:   INT. FOTOHUT - DAY   A not-so-rare lull in business. LEO sits at the counter, absent-mindedly thumbing through photographs spread out on the countertop, while Hyde paces restlessly behind him. His lip is busted and his knuckles are bruised.   HYDE: This is bad, man. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, every chick I try to score, she’s there. I don’t know what’s happening, but I don’t like it. I mean, this isn’t me, man! I don’t buy into the sham of attachment!   He stops pacing and starts soapboxing, his voice rising with each sentence.   HYDE (cont’d): No emotions! No commitment! No shackles of the female race keeping me down! She thinks she can work her way into my head? She thinks she can chase me down until I take her out, then still own me even when the kiss didn’t take? Well, I’ve got news for you, Burkhart! I’m not falling for that –   He’s right on the verge of hyperventilating. Leo leaps to his feet and shakes Hyde roughly by the shoulders.   LEO: Cool it, dude! Now look, man – your attitude has been alienating customers all day and is contributing to an unprofessional work environment.   This flash of competence from Leo is enough to snap Hyde out of it.   LEO (cont’d): Now I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got no choice. There’s only one thing to do about a situation like this.   CUT TO:   THE CIRCLE. The cramped space of the FotoHut really lets the smoke build up. Leo nods, contented, as he lights some incense.   Pan to Hyde, now with a sleepy, happy smile. He coughs and stretches.   HYDE: Thanks, Leo. I dunno, man. I just never thought I’d feel this way about a girl, you know? Especially a 95-pound midget with a voice that makes dogs deaf.   Pan to Leo.   LEO: I used to live with midgets, man. And clowns. And elephants. We went all around the country in a big train. Set up this big striped tent wherever we stopped, and everyone came out to see us. Hey, you know what? I think I was in the circus, man.   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: I mean, I could see, purely as a social experiment, dating someone like Jackie, you know? A chick from corrupt, Republican, corporate stooge money. A child of the Man. Bring her into the full range of experience offered by the world of sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll, and you turn the Man’s own child against him.   Pan to Leo.   LEO: That ain’t funny, man. You know my kids turned against me. Like once, we were talking, and we were turned toward each other. Then something happened over their shoulders, and they turned to look at it, and then they were turned against me, man.   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: See, it’s like I’m the virus, and Jackie’s patient zero. Through her, I corrupt the system from the inside. That’s how you bring on the revolution, man!   A horn honks. Hyde looks out the hut window.   HYDE (cont’d): Huh. (to Leo) I think we gotta go back work.   Pan to Leo.   LEO: Now what have I told you about working while you’re on the job, man?   He gives a long, slow, disappointed shake of his head.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY   The Thunderbird still sits in the driveway. Red stands by its side, shaking his head.   RED: (to the car) You poor pink bastard.   The patio door slides open, and out steps Kitty, in a prim outfit and just slightly garish make-up.   RED (cont’d): (to Kitty) Well, well, what have we here?   She strolls over to the car, sits on the trunk, and strikes a pose.   RED (cont’d): All right.   He checks his watch and leans in toward Kitty.   RED (cont’d): I got 20 minutes ‘til my wife gets back, so pucker up!   He and Kitty laugh, embrace, and kiss.   Paula comes up behind them, her bags in hand.   PAULA: Okay, you two lovebirds. I’m off.   Red and Kitty break apart. Some of Kitty’s bright red lipstick has smeared off over Red’s mouth.   PAULA (cont’d): Bye-bye, Red.   She gives him a kiss on the cheek, and playfully pokes at his lipstick smear. Kitty hops off the car and hugs her sister.   KITTY: Oh, Paula. Thank you so much.   PAULA: Oh, Kitty, what are sisters for, huh? I’ll talk to you in a couple of days. And you remember what I said: recherche de vie pour vivre la vie.   KITTY: Oui oui, ma soeur.   She and Paula wave goodbye. Paula packs up, gets into her car, and pulls out, honking her horn as she drives away.   RED: (to Kitty) So what’s with all the French? Did she call me something?   KITTY: No. She said, “search for life to live life,” which is my new motto. Paula made me see that I have been in a rut. But the good news is, from now on, I am just going to explore life.   Red smiles playfully.   RED: But you’re all pretty now, with your big red lips. Isn’t that enough?   Kitty chuckles and gives him another kiss.   KITTY: Oh, I love you, Red Forman. (beat) And no.   She heads back inside.   BUMPER   INT. ERIC’S ROOM – DAY   For reasons best known to himself, Eric is checking the inside of his nose in the mirror.   The door swings open. Donna storms in. Eric quickly backs away from the mirror.   ERIC: Oh, hey. I was just looking at... hey.   DONNA: Okay, where did you get the idea to...   She looks around. She throws the door shut and leans into Eric, her voice now a tense whisper.   DONNA (cont’d): Do what you did?   Eric sighs, his shoulders slump.   ERIC: I went to see this movie, and it was a... well, I guess you could call it an art film.   DONNA: Eric!   ERIC: Okay, fine, Donna, it was an X-rated film. And it just - there were all these people, and they were doing all these things that we’ve never done. And it seemed liked they really enjoyed doing this one thing especially. And I just thought, ‘you know who would enjoy doing that one thing especially? My lady.’   He offers a cheesy smile.   DONNA: Eric, listen to me, because this is gosh-darn important. You don’t do that. Not without asking.   ERIC: (beat) So, if I had asked -   DONNA: The answer’s still no!   Eric nods. Donna crosses to the bed.   DONNA (cont’d): Eric, are you bored with our sex life?   Eric joins her on the bed.   ERIC: Oh, God, no! Just the opposite. I figured that you had to be bored. And it was our hundredth time, and I just wanted to do something special.   DONNA: Oh, my God, you count?   ERIC: (beat) No.   DONNA: Oh, my God, that’s so sweet. But do me a favor: next time you’re gonna do something weird, give me a little more warning so I can brace myself. Or tell you to back the hell off.   ERIC: Right.   DONNA: Because no matter how much I love you – that was unpleasant.   Eric nods, the message received.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FOTOHUT - DAY   FANTASY SEQUENCE. HYDE’S POV. Jackie is just outside the window of the FotoHut, sitting behind the wheel of a black sports car. She looks utterly pissed.   JACKIE: What is taking so long? God, I can’t believe you’re wasting all your potential in this smelly old hut with that greasy hippie. You need to stop goofing around! Hello? Are you even listening to me?   Hard cut from the fantasy to Hyde, shaking his head.   HYDE (v.o.): (thoughts) Wait – I’m attracted to this?   We now see what triggered his fantasy: an IRATE CUSTOMER, a hot but vicious-looking redhead waiting for her photos.   CUSTOMER: Hello? Where’s my film, moron?   HYDE: (beat) Oh, holy hell.   END.

[szopenhauer]

People do you live with - are they related to you? they are indeed

Have you ever had to have surgery before? What was this for? not yet

Are you listening to any music right now? What song is it? just finished, got tired/bored of it

Who did you last hug? When did this hug take place? Where? my mom, today, home

Who was the last person to play with your hair? Are they cute? my gf, yes

Do you enjoy shopping? Who do you usually go shopping with anyways? yes, mostly looking at stuff, dad

Are you afraid of thunderstorms? What exactly makes you afraid of them? nah

What color are the shutters on your house by the windows, if there are any? we don’t have shutters

Do you enjoy talking smack to those annoying telemarketers? Is it funny? I disconnect immediately

Do you need spellcheck in order to spell things correctly? usually not Do you do too many surveys? How many have you done today? yeah but it’s smth that keeps my mind occupied in those stressful times and I enjoy it for fun - you don’t have to read them if you don’t want to, let me do what I want to survive, I don’t need to explain myself actually as it’s my life  Have you ever changed yourself to impress someone?  I regret that Who was the last person you gave up on? Why did you give up on them? I gave up on almost everyone including myself Is there ink in your printer? not black, only color Have you been outside yet today? What were you doing? taking care of trash and dog  What kind of games did you play on the playground when you were younger? many

Have you ever buried a time capsule with a friend? Did you dig it up yet? with my sister, it disappeared  Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car?  never happened  Where did you get your favorite hoodie? it’s my sister’s old hoodie Are shoes under your bed? I don’t keep anything under my bed  Have you ever been in handcuffs?  *wink* not yet :P Have you ever had to be put to sleep at a hospital?  I might for my gastroscopy someday because I have a strong gag reflex and there’s no other way :( When are you planning on moving out of your parents’ house? plan pfft... Are you a fan of dogs?  small dogs Who was the last person in your family to graduate high school? Was it you? immediate family? it was me

What genre was the last song you listened to? dance/electronic I see… Did it have a male or female vocalist? female Have you watched any of your favourite TV shows today? Which? I haven’t watched any TV show today What colour is your make-up bag? I don’t use one Have you ever dyed your hair green? yep

What color was the first pet you had? green

Have you ever had fake nails? nope

What was your favorite year of high school? definitely not the last, probably first

Would you be more afraid of drowning or being buried alive? both include choking but drowning gives you a bigger chance of survival

Does your family own more than two houses? we’re too poor for that and owning more than one house is unfair in my opinion

Would you marry someone who could never have sex for medical reasons? I’m asexual, I don’t like/want/need sex so that’s cool

What about someone who was guaranteed to die in five years? anyone can die any moment so yes

Do you have any step parents? no

Do you know what year your mother was born in? I always forget

The person you would never want to meet? someone dangerous If you were a type of tree, what would you be? weeping willow or hollow/dead tree of some sort

Favorite age you’ve been so far? childhood in general I think You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? maybe even myself?... If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?  I don’t want a slave wtf You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? save it Are you a good kisser? am not Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?
 several times Have you ever built a snowman? of course Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunrises, even tho I’m not a morning person If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? dog + elephant Can you do any accents other than your own?  not well What is the last thing you drew a picture of?  not sure what was last

If the opportunity arose, would you ever go to a nude beach? Do you think you’d be comfortable enough, being naked among others like that? hell no, I wouldn’t be comfy enough to look at penises, gross! Have you ever considered keeping a dream journal? If you have one, have you ever looked back on it at all of the odd/interesting dreams you used to have? gonna burn it soon Do you think regifting is cheap, or is it okay? Have you ever regifted before? it’s ok, yeah

Do you like tablets or laptops more?  laptops Have you ever had to “come out” to your parents about anything (sexual orientation, change in religion, etc.)? How did it go? yep, it didn’t went well but it could be way worse What’s the most unusual kind of pizza you’ve ever tried? nothing unusual Has there ever been a time where you thought you were going to be great friends with someone, but it just never happened? yep :( What’s one of your favorite things to touch/feel? hmm... How often do you wear tights? very rarely Why is your favorite TV show your favorite? I like many but my favs I chose basing on the impact on my life Describe your favorite picture of yourself, or post it. those funniest and with my dad too I guess Assuming you have a Facebook, if one of your friends posted things that annoyed you, would you be more likely to delete them as a friend, hide their statuses, or just put up with it? hide statuses but if they’re not close to me I might even kick them out of my friends list forever, definitely won’t just put up with it When was the last time you wore a sports bra? yesterday On a scale of 1-10, how anxious are you currently? 11 How is the weather? windy

If you were a pirate, what would your name be? Sam Bell or Robin Hood unless you ask me for a nickname then I’d have to think about it more

Would you rather go the short way slow, or take the long way fast if you got there in the same amount of time? doesn’t matter

Would you rather always be in a crowd, or be the only person on earth? only person 

Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the top or the bottom?   middle?

If you had to move out of this country, what country would you move to? Why?   England or some scandinavian ones I believe

How many children do you want? Girls or boys?   0 but if any then 1 girl

If you had to lose one of your five senses, which one of them would you prefer to lose and why? smell because it’s hyper and I hate that

If you could live anywhere for one year, all expenses paid, where would you live? just my own apartment

What’s your favorite song to karaoke to? *shrug*

What takes you out of your comfort zone?   life

If you were on the cover of a magazine, which one would it be and why? I want my apartment to be on a cover of an interior design magazine

If you could be laid to rest anywhere, where would it be? Why? next to my brother and/or my dad after his death

Pool side or beach? beach

What is your favorite primary color? yellow

What is your favorite brand of bottled water? I don’t care anymore If you were to write a story, what would it be about? already written some  When was the last time you got out of your home? not counting going to my garden/yard - yesterday Do you like color pencils or crayons better? colored pencils Have you ever played Badminton? I liked to Would you ever consider running for president? nah What color is the sky right now? light blue Is March one of your favorite seasons? why not Do you write little reminders to yourself? shitload Would you want a pet iguana? I heard they commit suicide :x Exactly how many days have you been alive? 10,399 Do you know how to knit/crochet? a bit Do you enjoy windy days? I like the sound of wind and zephyr during the hottest days but that’s all

Do you believe that big goals are just as attainable as small ones? some to some

Have you ever deleted your Facebook, then brought it back? deleted and made new account

How many times a day do you change your clothes? depends

When was the last time you used spray paint? long time ago

What color are the chairs at your kitchen table? white

Do you believe that life only gets harder or easier? harder to me

Have you ever had sex with 2 different people in the same week? noooo

Are the doors of your fridge side by side or on top of one another? on top of one another

If you’ve moved out of the house you were born in, do you know the people who live in that house now? not applicable

do you sing to songs in the car when you are alone? I don’t drive so I’m never alone in the car

do you laugh at other people when they are alone in their car singing? it’s cute

the world will end in an hour. what do you do? send a cab for my dad if possible to bring him home

does the weirdest dream you have ever had involve your history teacher? that’s weirdly specific - no

how many christmas trees are in your home during the season? depends

ever told your date you were going to the bathroom and actually left? nope but if I was scared of them I could do that :o

what never fails to put you in a bad mood? ugh...

what is the first thing that comes to mind when i say green? plants

did you know that you hear/see something that relates to a monkey everyday? really? I don’t believe you

do you share a bed with anyone, or is it allll yours? it’s allll mine

are you from the north/south/west/east? personal

[builder051]

Ain’t that a kick in the head

Thanks to @taylortut for this prompt.  I was initially going to say thanks but no thanks, but within about 5 minutes of receiving, this literally started writing itself in my head.  Like, the jokes and everything just started popping into existence, and I knew I was going to regret not scribbling it down.  I hope it jives with your vibe; I put in a lot of humor and left out the puke.  (It goes off prompt at the end, but all the better to be funny and fluffy with...)

If you’re a new reader, this is kind of off-brand for me (I prefer angst and emeto, though I write a broad mix), but it was definitely a fun thing to write.

_____

“Alright,” Happy calls into the backseat.  “Everyone who’s getting out, get out.  This is a no parking zone.  I have to move.”

“Ok, ok,” Pepper says, opening the car door and rounding the back to her luggage from the trunk.  “May?  I got your suitcase.”

“I’m coming,” May says, leaning over Tony to give Peter a kiss on the cheek.  “You sure you’ll be ok?” she asks.  “You feel a little warm.”

“Go on, May, you’re gonna miss your flight,” Peter says, pushing his aunt away.

“Ok, ok.”  May laughs.  “I’m sure you’ll be glad to be free of me for a week.”

“Naw, I didn’t say that,” Peter protests.

“And you.”  May turns to Tony and gives him a kiss on the cheek too.  “Thank you for this.  It’s been so long since I’ve had a vacation.”

“And you’re gonna have to wait another couple years if you don’t hop on out and catch your plane,” Tony says, giving her a gentle push toward the door.

“Yes, alright.”  May slips out onto the sidewalk, but leans in for a final word.  “Text me, ok?  And don’t overwork yourself,” she says to Peter.  “Tony, don’t let him stress out trying to impress you.”

“May!”  Peter makes a slashing motion across his throat.

“But don’t let him slack on his homework either.”  May winks.

“Come on,” Pepper says, grabbing May’s arm.  “We really do need to go.”

“Ok.  I’ll see you in a week.”  May beams.  “Love you!”

“Yeah, love you, May,” Peter says.  “Have a good time.”

May closes the car door, but turns to wave twice more on her way into the airport.

“Wow,” Tony says with a sigh as Happy pulls the car away from the curb.  “You weren’t kidding when you said it would be hard to get her to go.”

“Yeah,” Peter laughs.  “She’s not overprotective, but…I don’t even know what to call it.  She’s like, so interested in everything that goes on with me.”

“Yeah, I see it,” Tony muses.  “Speaking of which… FRIDAY, you wanna get a reading on Pete’s temperature?”

“What?  No, I’m fine,” Peter says, sitting up straighter in his seat.

“Of course, sir,” the AI’s voice replies, ignoring Peter’s protest.  “Mr. Parker’s body temperature is currently 100.3 degrees Fahrenheit.”

“You have FRIDAY wired in the car?” Peter asks incredulously.  “Is she, like, everywhere?”

“Everywhere I need her to be,” Tony replies.  “But that’s beside the point.  You’re sick,” he gives Peter a stern look.

“No, I feel fine, I swear,” Peter says quickly.  “It’s just, uh, my metabolism.  I usually run hot.”

“Ok, then, how about a nice session in the boxing ring when we get to the compound, then I’ll order pizza for us.”

“Oh.”  Peter tries to keep his voice even. “Um.  Ok.”

“You hesitated,” Tony calls him out.  “You’re sick.”

“I am not.”

“And you’re whiny.  I stand by my assessment.”  Tony crosses his arms and leans into the car window, away from Peter.

“But—”

“And don’t breathe on me.”

“Oh, come on, Mr. Stark,” Peter says, making his best apologetic face.

“I’m kidding,” Tony says.  “But FRIDAY, put in an order for chicken soup, and make sure Dumm-E’s on hand with Lysol wipes.  I amserious about not catching this thing.”

“Come on,” Peter mutters again.

“That’s just the way it goes, kid,” Tony says with a shrug.

It’s early evening when they arrive at the facility upstate, and Peter has to admit the bowl of steaming soup and box of Kleenex waiting at his place at the dining room table are extremely inviting.

“Go.  Sit down,” Tony encourages him.  He stops at the bar to fix himself a drink, but watches Peter tuck in.  “It’s that kind of sick, right?  Like sinuses and stuff?  Not your stomach?”

“I’m not sick,” Peter says, though he quickly grabs a tissue to catch his dripping nose.

“Right.  We’re still playing that game.”

“I’m not.”  Peter’s aware of how petulant he sounds.  “This is really good, by the way,” he says, slurping down a mouthful of soup.

“Good,” Tony says.  “It’s what I always order when I’m…not sick.”  He chuckles.  “There’s plenty more if you’re still feeling, you know, absolutely fantastic tomorrow.”

“I…”  Peter’s about to contradict him again, but he thinks better of it.  “Thanks, Mr. Stark.”

Tony tells Peter he’s not allowed in the lab until he’s no longer breeding germs, so they start a movie after dinner.  Ordinarily Peter would never pass up an opportunity to provide commentary on Raiders of the Lost Ark, but he’s sleepy as soon as the opening credits begin to roll.  He rests his throbbing head on the arm of the sofa, and before he knows it, Tony’s shaking his shoulder and bundling him off to bed.

“Sorry, Mr. Stark,” Peter mumbles, scrubbing at a drool spot on the upholstery.

“Save it, kid,” Tony says, looking pretty tired himself.  “See you in the morning.”

Peter crashes out again once his head hits the pillow.  The slumber doesn’t last long, though.  It’s still dark when he jolts awake, sweltering and drenched in sweat.  He lays still for a moment, trying to get a handle on what’s happening.

If he was having a nightmare, he can’t remember it now.  He’s not nauseous.  His body still aches, but all things considered, he feels alright.  Better, in fact.

Peter peels himself out of bed and heads to the bathroom to wash his face.  The cool water is refreshing.  He’s pretty sure his fever’s broken.  When he’s suitably cleaned up, Peter considers going back to bed.  His stomach rumbles, though.  Fighting off the bug has drained him of energy.  He’s starving.

Peter tiptoes down the stairs, hoping Tony was telling the truth when he said there was soup leftover.  He’s about to open the door to the kitchen, but something catches his eye.  There are shadows moving in the dining room.

“Hello?” Peter calls tentatively.

“Huh?  What?”  Tony’s head whips around, and he winces and rubs the wrinkle between his eyes.  “Oh.  It’s you.”

“Mr. Stark?  What’s going on?” Peter asks, squinting in the dim light.  “Everything ok?”

Tony sits at the table, a bowl of soup in front of him.  He clears his throat and points at Peter with his spoon.  “You know, I really wish you would’ve listened to me,” he says.  “And kept your germs to yourself.”

“I did,” Peter says, “Or, well, I tried.”

“Didn’t try hard enough.”  Tony sniffles and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

“Oh no.  Are you sick now?”  Peter pulls out the chair beside Tony’s and flops down.  “I’m really sorry.”

Tony stirs his soup and shrugs.  “I was kind of stressing about you spiking a fever, and insomnia’s just a fact of life, but now I can’t breathe through my nose.”  He snags a Kleenex from the box that’s still on the table.  

“Have you, uh, checked your temperature?” Peter asks, his thoughts flip-flopping between concern and guilt.

“No, I’m a grown-up.  We don’t do that.”

“Hey, FRIDAY,” Peter says.  “Can you do a temperature reading on Mr. Stark?”

“Of course, Mr. Parker,” the AI replies.

“Hey, hold up,” Tony gripes, but FRIDAY is already reporting the data.

“Mr. Stark’s body temperature is 101 degrees.”

“Whoa, that’s higher than mine was,” Peter says, getting to his feet.  “Do you want some, like, Tylenol or something?  Or a blanket?  Or I could call May and ask—”

“Kid?” Tony asks thickly.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to calm down.”

Peter takes a breath.  “Yeah.  Yeah, ok.”

“I have a cold,” Tony declares.  “I’m not dying.”

“Right.”  Peter nods.  Maybe he was overreacting a little.  But still… he feels bad.

“We’re gonna take care of each other, ok?”  Tony holds out his hand.

Peter reaches out to shake it, but Tony pulls back at the last second.  “Actually, let’s not keep passing germs,” he says.

“Good idea,” Peter laughs.  The he asks, “Is there more soup?”

“You still feel bad?”

“No, I actually feel a lot better,” Peter says.  “I’m just hungry.”

Tony chuckles.  “That’s good.  And there’s more in the fridge.”

[mowseries]

An Ocean of Trouble

codedhopes asked:

⚖️ for CARDINAL AND SHADE

mowseries answered:

((PREPARE, MORTALS, FOR THE DOUBLE TROUBLE TO ENTER A ZANY ADVENTURE!

OP!Shade 2018 8^D))

[Nightmares.

He had horrible nightmares again, and he could even remember glimpses this time.

Dying alone and exhausted with his back against some rubble after one last fight, the world finally safe.

That feeling of snapping apart on the inside, but literally falling to pieces and screaming in agony as intense hunger failed to properly overload his pain sensors, leaving him to suffer every fraction of it.

Gripping tightly onto Shade’s arm and begging him to neither leave nor die, but to live, to live on in his stead—]

Cardinal: -Sits up with an abrupt gasp for air- !

<DLN-000 is now Online.>

[The fragments of memory did NOT fade, leaving him to wonder. One of them he was sure to be a dream, but the other two seemed REAL, they seemed FAR more real than a dream had any right to be. They clung to him, more like…

…memories…]

Cardinal: -Puts his face in his hands- (No, not this… not this again, please…)

[Being unable to properly cry was a damn inconvenience. He whined for a moment, before finally starting to relax as he counteracted the experience with some good memories. Specifically, the last time he sang.]

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Shade: -Do you wanna steal a submarine-

Cardinal: …

Shade: -Heard there was some cool ruins in the seas in Hoenn—-

Cardinal: -LAUGHS— -

Cardinal: -PING-

Cardinal: -Rather loudly, and grinning shamelessly to boot—- Weeeeee all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, a yellow submarine!~

Shade: -AH’ SHOULD’VE SEEN THAT ONE COMIN'—-

Shade: -Bwahaha—-

Cardinal: -Ping ping ping- ~~~~

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Cardinal: -Smiles fondly- Heh….

Cardinal: (Hey, I wonder if Shade is down for that! I should go ask him…)

[…

…

… … …]

Cardinal: …? (…What the hell?)

[He… couldn’t teleport.]

Cardinal: (What’s going on?)

[Ohhhhh, so much for THAT good mood.]

Cardinal: ([Frag]. Did Mikhail disable that ability, since I’ve been sick? Aw dammit. That’ll throw a wrench in the plans for SURE.) Mmmmng.

Cardinal: …

Cardinal: No.

[He was speaking out loud, to no one in particular.]

Cardinal: You know what? Screw it. I’m not going to let a little restraining bolt get in the way of socialization. I’ve been stuck in sleep and bad dreams and nightmares for almost a whole damn month now, if not longer in general. I’m sick and tired of avoiding people and moping by myself. We’re going to go out and have fun, dammit, and it’ll be a great time! So there!

[Feeling more bold and confident, he grabbed his Trainer Bag and made sure he had Baron’s Pokéball with him.]

Cardinal: (Gonna need food for the journey, and need to find Shade anyway… assuming he’s not off working. Gonna have to take the traditional shortcuts, though…)

[He opened the door, stepping into the kitchen.]

{Sanda Enterprises — Kitchen}

[There was no one immediately visible in the kitchen.]

Cardinal: (Eh, of course it wouldn’t be that easy. He might be around but invisible. Now let’s see what we’ve got to work with…)

[He glanced up at the top of the fridge at a metal tin.]

Cardinal: (Are those… cookies?)

[…

…Oh, right. He couldn’t teleport.]

Cardinal: -Snorts- Bah, this is dumb—

[He started scrambling up the side of the fridge.]

Cardinal: (Using chairs for stepstools when you can climb the thing is for total squares—)

codedhopes

[ VIII ] - A fairly quiet afternoon in Sanda Enterprises, which was rare for a family as chaotic as Shade’s–but everyone did have their own lives to get to, after all, such as Mic and his mine, Avi and his radio tower and Brand and his dedication to his swordsmanship…

Shade? After taking some…rather forced time off from his work, didn’t exactly have much else to do besides sleep and laze around at home–which was just fine by him, much to the chagrin of his elder linemates. Still, even if it was fairly quiet nowadays, the sharpshooting Mighty Number DID grow bored with it.

“Mnng.” Waking up at this hour was nothing new. Strange DREAMS again, though, something…something he didn’t want to quite remember at the moment. No, those can wait. Funny that he couldn’t sense anyone’s signal right away, though…maybe he was the only one in today?

“Man, I’m starvin’…”

Wonder if Cardinal is up fer anythin’ today…I’ll see him later, but first Ah’ should head t’ the kitchen an’–

[BWIP!]

No sooner had that thought crossed Shade’s mind did the world suddenly LIT up, and for once–for once, it didn’t really BOTHER him, honestly. It still took him by complete surprise, and he ended up mistepping backwards as the light faded, and he hit smooth tile.

“AGH, son of a GLITCH–”

He cursed, blinking away pain as his optics adjusted to his surroundings–wait–wasn’t he in his room not two seconds ago?? Why was he suddenly in the kitchen, and– …

“Cards?” Shade looked up at his best friend, who was…seemingly attempting to climb the fridge. What the heck are you doing. “…The HELL just happened—”

[Cardinal looked down from his position halfway up the fridge.]

Cardinal: ?

Cardinal: Oh hey, Shade! Nice of you to join. Didn’t hear you coming in, but not sure why you fell over.

[He hoisted himself onto the top of the fridge, grinning triumphantly as he pried open the tin.]

Cardinal: Aw, nice! Sugar cookies!

[He stuffed one in his mouth, looking down.]

Cardinal: -After taking a bite- What would you like to eat? Haven’t looked to see what leftovers are in the fridge that we can have before heading out, but I was thinking of making some sandwiches before going on a little outing. We both could use something to do, and I really liked the idea you had earlier…

[He grinned, looking down at the puzzled cowboy.]

Cardinal: We may have to borrow Clark or something, but I’m sure Kate will be down with that. Unless she’s working or off on an adventure with Jack and the Alolan kids, at any rate. Even then, we’ll find a way around the restraining bolt—we always do.

[wineanddinosaur]

VinePair Podcast: Are Hybrid Vines the Future of Wine?

Hybrid, non-Vitis vinifera grapes have been a bit of a taboo subject in the wine world. As climate change threatens the viability of vinifera grapes and a new generation of wine drinkers emerges, might the stigma around hybrid vines be dying down for good?

On this episode of the “VinePair Podcast,” co-hosts Adam Teeter, Joanna Sciarrino, and Zach Geballe explore the future of hybrid wine and discuss how shifting consumer preferences may help these wines succeed on the market.

LISTEN ONLINE

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Spotify

OR CHECK OUT THE CONVERSATION HERE

Adam Teeter: From VinePair’s New York City headquarters, I’m Adam Teeter.

Joanna Sciarrino: I’m Joanna Sciarrino.

Zach Geballe: And in Seattle, Washington, I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the “VinePair Podcast.” Guys, I did survive. I just want you to know I’m OK. Healthy.

Z: You did better than the Auburn Tigers, I’m sorry to say.

A: Yeah, it was a tough loss. It was really, really interesting to be on a college campus and see what was going on. I’ve taken two Covid PCR tests since I’ve been. I’m negative. The vaccine works, people. Go get the vaccine. I also took a lot of precautions and was only outside. I did not go into any bars.

Z: I was bummed to not get an Instagram photo of the mask, though. I thought maybe you’d have it painted, put some tiger stripes on there.

A: No, no. It was really fun. I was really shocked, though. Well, I guess I’m not shocked. Shocked is a bad word because I shouldn’t be shocked at this point. What do you think I saw all over campus?

J: I know what you’re going to say.

Z: Seltzer?

A: Just seltzer. That’s all anyone was drinking. It’s crazy out there, guys. For college kids and people in their 20s, that’s all anyone was drinking. Seltzer. I was just like, wow.

Z: As I mentioned last week, I went with my wife to a baseball game here in Seattle a few weeks ago. It was astonishing to me, in a sense, how so much of the inventory space that was dedicated to beer in the past has now been switched over to seltzer. That’s what a lot of people in the crowd were drinking. It makes sense, I guess, but it is wild to think about. Maybe on this podcast, we’ll have to come back to the topic of what seltzer has displaced. What would have been light lager is, in so many places now, seltzer. I kind of get it.

J: This is so funny because we have a piece coming up in which Dave Infante explores whether hard seltzer has displaced the college kegger.

A: I think it definitely has. It was just crazy. I definitely saw a lot of White Claw. I just saw seltzer. In all of the package stores, we saw massive seltzer displays. Another thing in Pennsylvania that I thought was really interesting — maybe it’s a thing in other places, too, but I think we forget about it in New York — is that in the gas stations, almost every single one of them had walk-in beer coolers. They had huge signs advertising them. I walked in and thought, “Well, this is boring. It’s just all ABI products. There was nothing else in there, but I needed to experience this massive walk-in beer cooler. It was pretty funny.

Z: I have a seltzer gripe. I still can’t find this Bud Light Seltzer Fall Flannel pack anywhere in Seattle.

J: Save yourself, man.

Z: We were hoping to do it on an episode eventually. It might be winter before I can get it.

A: No Flannel pack for you.

Z: Joanna. You broke into it, didn’t you? Can you give me any info?

J: They all taste like candles.

A: I will say that it was a pretty amazing Instagram post.

J: Yeah. I made my partner, Evan, try them all.

A: He was hilarious.

J: It was really funny.

Z: Was this on condition of him getting to watch football?

J: No!

A: No, it was on condition of Joanna being willing to go back to Canada. She said, “I will only cross the border if you try our great seltzer products.”

J: No, he was happy to do it. He loves seltzer.

A: Does he really? No.

J: He loves hard seltzer. It’s so funny.

A: What’s his brand of choice?

J: I don’t know. I think he likes White Claw.

A: You don’t know what’s in your fridge?

J: I mean, we have a Flannel pack in our fridge right now.

A: That’s amazing. There’s one video I just love where he immediately spits it out.

J: That was a genuine spit take. It was so bad. That was the pumpkin spice one. I hope we all try them together.

A: Oh, I can’t wait.

J: Adam, did you drink a lot of hard seltzer this weekend?

A: No. That’s also what I forgot about tailgating, is how friendly everybody is. We were grossly unprepared. We pulled up. First of all, I’m not sure what people are used to in terms of their tailgating history. But, in the South, on a college campus, you can basically tailgate anywhere. All over campus, there’s tents and people tailgating and hanging out. At Penn State — and I’ve been told this is more of a Northeastern thing because this was actually my first-ever Northeastern tailgating experience — everyone is pushed into lots. You have to pay to park in them. Then, people just open the back of their cars or drop their pickup truck tailgates. They just hang out there. It was just a different experience. I think that’s why the Grove in Oxford, Miss., is so iconic. It is just this beautiful section of campus that people set up tents and tailgates without their cars. That’s the case with a lot of Southern tailgating. It was interesting. We stupidly didn’t have a cooler. As we’re like leaving our hotel, which was really far away, we thought, “I guess we should pick up a 6-pack.” We grabbed a 6-pack before we left of pilsner. Of course, when we got to the campus, we realized, “This is going to get warm really quickly, so we should drink these.” Then, we started walking around, and people just gave you beer. It was really friendly. You just walk up and they’re like, “Hey, do you want a beer?” I will say that was what was pretty awesome, too, how serious the Penn State fans were taking ensuring that Auburn fans were having a good time.

Z: Oh, that is kind of sweet.

A: They all kept asking, “Are you having a good time? Are you enjoying State College? Isn’t it great?” That’s totally different in college footballI, I think. Obviously, each team wants to win. We would never be that nice to Alabama fans.

Z: I was going to say, isn’t this the difference between a conference rival and a team that you play once every 25 years?

A: Yeah, that’s probably true. We’re pretty nice to South Carolina fans. We kind of have to be, because it’s sad for them. It is funny. In the pros, I feel like no pro team’s nice to another pro team’s fans. I remember going to the Eagles game in Philly. We were warned prior to the game to not wear anything that shows we were from Atlanta or we would get a beer dumped on us. We were like, “OK. Cool. We will just not wear anything. We’ll wear normal clothes.” We saw an Eagles fans get in a fight with an Atlanta fan. Like, why? Anyways, I’ve talked for too long. What about the two of you?

J: I drank some great things recently. First, on Friday night, I listened to the latest episode of “Cocktail College” about the Manhattan, which happens to be one of my favorite drinks. I promptly made Abigail Gullo’s Manhattan.

A: Amazing.

J: It’s a perfect Manhattan, which I really enjoy. She uses three different types of bitters. Rye is her spirit of choice here. It was very nice. I also had the Long Drink this weekend.

A: Which one?

J: The classic, from the people who you interviewed, Adam. In the blue can. It was great. I really enjoyed it.

A: It’s like an alcoholic Fresca.

J: Yeah. It really did taste like that. It’s delicious.

A: They’re tasty. Zach?

Z: I have a drink and a story to share with you guys, because it’s not just Adam here who gets to do this. We are in the midst of fresh hop beer season here in the Pacific Northwest.

A: That’s cool. Fun. We don’t get that.

Z: For all the true beer lovers out there, it’s worth traveling to the Pacific Northwest. You see it even more in Seattle because more of the hop fields are in Washington. Every brewery around here has multiple fresh hop beers at this point. It’s just such a cool thing. It’s so seasonal. They pick the hops and, instead of taking them through any kind of preservation technique, they literally ship them right to the breweries. You have to get them in the beer within 48 hours or everything you’re trying to get out of them degrades to the point where it’s almost worthless. It’s wild. It’s a big deal for the breweries. It’s a lot of late nights. The beers are just really fun, and it’s such a cool, seasonal thing. We’ve had nice early fall weather where it’s sunny and a little warm but not too hot. It’s great beer weather. I had a couple of different ones. I had one from Fremont Brewing and one from Reuben’s Brews. They are delicious and something to seek out if you are around here or if you make it out here in late September, early October.

A: Sounds cool. Now, story time.

Z: As we’ve discussed before, I do this subscription wine club with a friend of mine. I was placing orders for October because I have a baby due any day and wanted to get stuff done early so that the wines all arrive and everything is set up. That way, if I’m not able to be a part of the packing and distribution, everything is good to go. I placed my orders 10 or so days ago. I was at my friend’s restaurant yesterday, looking through everything, and I thought, “Huh. One of the wines didn’t show up. That’s weird, because the other wine from this distributor came.” I emailed my sales rep and asked, “Hey, what’s the deal? Did something get mis-delivered or what’s the deal here?” He responds to me — and I still can’t believe this — and was like, “Yeah, we’re out of stock. It said so on the invoice.” I’m like, “OK, but you couldn’t have told me this 10 days ago when I emailed you?” This is obviously a wine buyer in a restaurant or retail setting kind of complaint, but it was so weird to me. It’s still a customer service job. I don’t have to buy wine from this company or from this person. I was so taken aback by the lack of any attempt to communicate this very simple fact. If you’re out of stock, that’s fine. I don’t have a problem with that, but maybe I would have wanted to order something else from you. Instead, we’re going to buy something else from another distributor that’s vaguely similar, to fill our orders. That’s sales you don’t get because you couldn’t take the time to email me. I don’t know. It was very interesting.

A: Yeah, that’s crazy.

J: It’s like ordering something or getting a gift. You’re ordering a bunch of things and you’re unaware that it’s out of stock. You expect that it’s coming, and then it’s not there.

Z: Because this is my background, I think of it in a restaurant setting. If a table of six people all ordered a cocktail or a glass of wine and the server came back with five of the drinks, put them all down, walked away, and never said anything, that sixth person would ask, “Excuse me? What happened here?” If, eventually, they flag the server down and ask, “Hey, what’s the deal?” and the server responds, “Oh yeah, we don’t have that. We ran out of it,” wouldn’t you have offered the customer something else when you figured that out? Why did I have to seek this information out from you? That’s the part that blows my mind. I would have been willing to give you the money for something else. Now, you’ve done nothing. If you’d come to me initially and said, “Hey, we’re out of this. Here are some alternatives. Here’s another wine from that producer or here’s a similar wine.” I don’t know what I would have done in that setting, but what I did in this setting was reach out to one of my other distributors and ask, “Hey, can you get this here by tomorrow, please? I need it to fill my orders.” That’s all done. That’s a sale that this other company doesn’t get.

A: So, we want to talk today about hybrids. You pose an interesting question as we were starting to think about this episode. Not only are we going to see more of them, but are the newer generations of wine drinkers more accepting of them than the older ones? Why don’t you set that up first? I think that’s an interesting part of the question. I think we will see more of them because of climate change. But the acceptance thing is a big deal.

Z: I’ve been thinking about this for the last couple of years. I think so many of the emerging trends we see, whether it’s in natural wine or these styles of wine that have become more popular of late, really don’t exclude the use of hybrid or even non-Vitis vinifera varieties. There’s Concord grapes, Catawba, et cetera, and other things that are native to North America. When I was first getting into wine and learning about wine, almost no time was spent on any of that stuff. I, like many a Jew of my age, drank some Manischewitz when I was a kid. Until recently, that was basically my only experience with non-vinifera wine grapes. I’ve had a number of hybrids because those occupy a slightly different space. You see them used in a few places around the world, in some places in northern Europe, Canada, in the northern U.S., et cetera. I’ve tried some of those wines. The way that those varieties have been denigrated in the past is that they’re too fruit-driven, they’re too “grape-y.” That’s a slightly weird complaint, but whatever. They’re too high in acid. They don’t have a lot of tannin. I think what prompted this thought in me was the question of, “Are these characteristics that we laud in Vitis vinifera really the only things that wine drinkers want now?” In this world now, you’re seeing producers who have a certain kind of cachet blending grape wine and cider, making fruit wines, doing all kinds of stuff that totally would work with hybrids or non-vinifera grapes. So, why is this stigma still here? Is it still here? Is there an opportunity for people, whether they’re in other parts of the country or in the world that aren’t considered great sites for Vitis vinifera, to make wine? As we’ve talked about a number of times on this podcast, for a lot of the places that make, to this date, great wine from Vitis vinifera, it’s not looking great over the next couple of decades. I don’t know how I would feel about my vineyard holdings in parts of California or France. It ain’t been pretty the last few years.

A: I do think that there’s going to be more acceptance. I do think it’s because of natural wine. There is a growing movement of people who just think that is the term for wines that are trendy. There’s a flavor profile that a lot of consumers are enjoying. They may not be the flavor profiles that we like. They might be very mousy, whatever. I think that is the very grape-y, sort of Beaujolais bubblegum style. You’re seeing a lot of wines made like that. I’m seeing a lot of hybrids where they’re also doing carbonic and these really juicy wines that I think a lot of consumers like because they’re fun, easy, and very approachable. I think that is allowing hybrids to exist and people to accept hybrids. Do I think that hybrids will be accepted by the same people that are huge Barolo, Bordeaux, Burgundy drinkers?

J: No.

A: Probably not. But, in the world of natural, I definitely think hybrids will continue to grow.

J: You said younger wine drinkers. I think that also goes for people who are unaware of this stigma around hybrid grapes. They’re not aware of it, so why would they discriminate against a wine that’s made from those grapes?

Z: I think that’s an excellent point, Joanna, because one of the things that we’ve seen in wine more broadly is that, as you bring more regions and varieties into the fold, how is someone who’s not a wine expert going to know that Hondarrabi Zuri is a vinifera variety and Seyval Blanc is a hybrid? No one knows.

A: Seyval Blanc probably sounds, to a lot of consumers, like it’s a vinifera.

Z: Traminette or even Vidal Blanc, which may be a little more widely known because it’s used for dessert wine in Canada a lot. We don’t live in a wine world anymore where people only drink six varieties, thankfully. If you’re the kind of person who is seeking out wine from Georgia, Slovenia, Croatia, or wherever, the name of the variety on the label isn’t going to register with you. If you’re getting, alternatively, a hybrid wine from, say, Wisconsin, Michigan, northern Germany, or something like that, I just don’t see people being too caught up in the idea that this isn’t all Vitis vinifera. If you look at the way many of these hybrids have been developed, they’re 90 to 95 percent vinifera, with just a little bit of some other variety to give them a little more cold resistance, frost resistance, or some other characteristic that is considered desirable. I think the real fascinating thing, too, is the question of, “Are there under development hybrid varieties?” I think there are. Many of them are not yet really named or commercially available. But, are these being developed, not as hybrids were previously for these very cold regions? Obviously, the problem we face going forward is places where access to water, extreme heat, or just very unpredictable weather is a bigger concern. Can hybrids be developed that will thrive in those conditions and might replace the varieties that we now associate with those great regions? I don’t know that in 30 years, the slopes of Barolo will be replanted to some hybrid. But it wouldn’t totally shock me.

A: I had a crazy thought, and it’s probably going to piss some people off. But, as you’ve been talking, I’ve been thinking about this. I want to be clear when I’m using the term natural wine. Since it has no definition, I’m going to define it the way that I define natural wine. I’m not talking about wines that are biodynamic and organic, where the wine still comes out clean and you can taste the varietal and it tastes of the varietal and of the place. I’m talking about the wines that, through infection of the spoilage yeasts, Brettanomyces, or through the mousiness quality, or carbonic maceration. There’s something else that is more powerful in the wine than the essence of the grape.

Z: Right.

A: That movement of wine, a lot of people like. It’s crazy. To make a weird tangent, one of the fastest-growing brands right now in the U.S. is a hard kombucha. Right? That flavor profile and that kombucha thing is very popular right now. JuneShine is the brand.

J: It’s the funk.

A: The funk is the thing. Varietals don’t matter. It’s basically like a red blend. That world of natural wine is the red blend of that wine world. That’s what I’m going to say. Varietals don’t matter. The question is, is this the flavor profile you’re looking for? In that world, Zach, you’re really right. No one’s looking. No one’s asking. I was at a dinner last night before this event that we all went to with a bunch of, like, bartenders who were all into wine. We were at a place that only had natural wine on the list. The people who were serving us wine didn’t even tell us what the varietals were. They just said, “We have a red from Italy that’s super natural and funky, and we have an orange from Spain.” Right. There wasn’t even a description of the regions it’s from. It was like, “This is what we have.” And I think that’s becoming more and more common in my definition of what I think a lot of people think of when they think about what natural wine is. Does it have the funk? Does it have the juicy juice? No one is really that concerned with what grape it was made from, which is fascinating. But, it does make sense. When you do have those things happen to the wine, the varietal characteristics of the wine go away. I know we’ve had this conversation before, Zach, but what does varietally correct mean? I don’t really know. We can talk about that again at some point. I definitely think you want to taste a variety. I can still tell you that it’s Nebbiolo, even if it’s made in different places, it’s still Nebbiolo. I think with some of these wines, they just aren’t. Hybrids are great because if you’re not looking for that. If you’re looking for it as a vehicle to get the other flavors that people actually like, then who cares?

J: I don’t know. I also think it’s kind of interesting because, when I go out and order wine, I just want a wine that’s delicious and tastes good. I care less. I have no wine training or anything like that. I’m still learning a lot about wine, and I just don’t really care about the varietals. I’m not saying it’s because I want the funkiest natural wine you have on your list or anything like that. I just care more about how it tastes. I feel like, if hybrid wines are delicious, then sure, why not?

Z: Yeah. I think one thing that we found — and it’s something kind of echoed in your statement, Joanna — is that there was a period of time when certain grape varieties were considered “noble” and other varieties were, I guess, “ignoble.” This is a phrase I hate, so I’m going to immediately dismiss it. Frankly, though, if you look at the origins of this, there’s a lot of weird, very creepy eugenics-y things. There’s a lot of race theory, let’s put it that way, in this idea about everything, not just in grapes. Grapes were a prominent place for it, though. So much of what we’ve come to learn about different varieties, how they grow, and how they express themselves, is that there might have been a point in time when — through lack of knowledge about viticulture or winemaking — that might have been why certain varieties were prized in one place and less cherished in another. A lot of that stuff is apocryphal, ahistoric, and just doesn’t hold up to modern understandings of wine. This notion that only these few grape varieties or only this one species, Vitis vinifera, is capable of producing great wine is a myth that’s persisted because it gets lazily passed down. It fits well into a textbook or a 30-minute training that someone gets at a restaurant. Everyone in the wine industry, up until recently, was invested in the truth of that myth. Producers that spend a lot of money to plant and grow Vitis vinifera don’t necessarily want someone else to come along and say, “It turns out that I can make equally good wine from this unknown hybrid variety that I grow in a place where the land cost me one hundredth of what it costs you, and the people who buy it like it just as much as your wine.” I don’t know that that is exactly where we’re at, at this point. But, it doesn’t seem impossible to me that that could be true, at least for some meaningful segment of the wine drinking public. I think there’s a lot to be said about getting away from this fetishization of certain varieties over all others. That being said, I will say your point, Adam, is a well-made one, and an important one for people to keep in mind, too. One thing that we have valorized, and I think rightly so, in wine over the last century is the notion that there is some value in wine communicating something about where it’s from in drinking it. That communication can happen through the variety to some extent. Certain varieties are associated with certain places or maybe only grown in certain places. It can be in the mono-varietal nature of certain wines, and it can be in the winemaking and all that. As you described the natural wines you were talking about, Adam, when the thing that people are treasuring in a wine are other things, then I think we are at a perfectly valid expression of wine. It’s just not going to convey those things. It would be good for those who are in that industry and want that style of wine to open themselves up, as some of them are, to this notion of, “Why do we need vinifera in the first place? It’s hard to grow. It’s expensive. Why don’t we make our wines from other types of grapes?” There’s no inherent reason not to, other than that that can’t put varieties that people are familiar with on the label. Since many of them are not really interested in doing that, who cares? You can give it whatever fanciful name you want and put whatever crazy label on it. That’s great. Let’s party.

A: Glou-glou! It is interesting. The cool thing is that whether you’re on the side of, “Screw you, you have biases that are bullshit. I can make a beautiful wine with these grapes, not just this vinifera,” or you’re on the side of, “glou-glou,” it’s super cool that more people are using hybrids. It’s great to be able to now go to places like New Hampshire and Vermont and they have good wineries. That’s awesome. I think having wineries in communities is similar to having breweries. They’re places where people can go and see how wine is made firsthand. They’re also great places to socialize. They’re usually places that support really great cuisine and help build economies. With wine countries, hotels often come with them and there are great restaurants and stuff. If that can happen in other places, and it’s just with hybrids now, that’s freaking awesome. I’m all for it.

Z: I want to add one last point that I think is also kind of cool here. The other thing that has been hard for hybrids and non-vinifera varieties is that, because they have been so looked down upon by fine wine, they largely have not been made for that consumer. Adam, we got some wines a while back from a producer in Wisconsin and the owner who sent us the wine and communicated about it was upfront that a lot of their clientele like sweeter wine. So, they make a lot of sweeter wines. They don’t necessarily do it because that’s the only way to use hybrid grapes, but because the kind of people who are open to drinking those varieties are not typically people who want what we think of as fine wine. Therefore, they may want some sweetness. I don’t think that means that you can’t make great dry wines from these varieties. The more that people open themselves up to the possibility here, that denigration of hybrids and non-vinifera varieties, that “of course, they’re sweet,” is really just a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think there’s any winemaking reason why you can’t ferment those wines dry. It’s just that many of the producers that currently exist are trying to meet a market demand that fine wine doesn’t really speak to very well. People may say “hybrids have to be sweet,” but that doesn’t have to be the case. It just has been the case because that’s who is willing to buy hybrid wines: people who like sweet wines.

A: Team, this was a great conversation. If you’re into some hybrid wines, let us know which ones they are. If you make hybrid wines and you listen to the show, send us some. I’d love to try them. Joanna, Zach, talk to you Friday.

J: Thanks, guys.

Z: Sounds great.

Thanks so much for listening to the “VinePair Podcast.” If you love this show as much as we love making it, please leave us a rating or review on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher or wherever it is you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show.

Now for the credits. VinePair is produced and recorded in New York City and Seattle, Washington, by myself and Zach Geballe, who does all the editing and loves to get the credit. Also, I would love to give a special shout-out to my VinePair co-founder, Josh Malin, for helping make all of this possible, and also to Keith Beavers, VinePair’s tastings director, who is additionally a producer on the show. I also want to, of course, thank every other member of the VinePair team, who are instrumental in all of the ideas that go into making the show every week. Thanks so much for listening, and we’ll see you again.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article VinePair Podcast: Are Hybrid Vines the Future of Wine? appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/podcast-hybrid-vines/

[master-sass-blast]

Strong as Stone -Part Ten, First Half

*stares at title* I promised myself that I wouldn’t start a multi-parter this week. I promised.

*sighs* My idea self-control needs work, as does my realistic perspective of work actually required.

Well, hi there! Welcome back to the fun house!

Last time, we bore witness to the Wakandan New Year and watched Okoye navigate a family-oriented holiday without a (biological) family to speak of.

Feels were felt, by many.

(I think I could label all of my writing like that: feels were felt. It does seem to be a special ability of mine.

Or, perhaps, I should just stick to “ANGST QUEEN.”)

This time, we get to watch Okoye and M’Baku start their vacation together in Birnin Zana.

Rating: T for swearing, sexual themes, and mentions of death.

Warnings: Enough fluff to cause a heart attack, implied sex, and too much snark to handle.

Pairings: Okoye x M’Baku.

@the-last-hair-bender

The life of a Dora Milaje is not an easy one, my loves. Even though you will be surrounded by your sisters in arms, you may often find yourselves lonely.

The unfortunate reality is that there are not many who can keep up with the constant shift from stone to human and back. You may even find that it wears on your families at times --common, but unfortunate.

While patience on your part will be necessary, keep a sharp eye for those who can take your different forms in stride. If you find them, do not let go of them if you don’t have to.

You will never truly know how rare they are.

It was a morning off like any other.

Sugary, (relatively) unhealthy breakfast food? Check.

Usual set of cartoons? Check.

Comfortable clothes? Check.

However, most mornings off didn’t leave her with a tight, tingling sense of anticipation in her stomach. Most mornings off didn’t have her at the edge of her seat, ears straining to pick up any sound in the hallway.

Most mornings didn’t contain two messages from Ayo, one with a reference to a good chiropractor and one recommending a good brand of lube.

Okoye had sent back a picture message of her flipping her best friend off.

She sighed, forced herself to relax onto her couch, and took another bite out of her breakfast pastry. Waiting at the edge of your seat won’t get him here any faster--

A knock sounded at the door, and Okoye shot out of her seat, stopped, and forced herself to walk to the door and open it at a calm, normal pace.

M’Baku grinned down at her, leaning against the door frame. “Does a certain General Okoye live here?”

Okoye grinned back. “No, but you can come in anyway.”

M’Baku laughed and leaned down to kiss her. “It’s good to see you my love. The last two days were agony without your company.”

Okoye ushered him into her apartment and closed the door. “My experience was the same. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“To think, we could’ve avoided all that agony if you’d just brought me back with you on the first night.”

Okoye rolled her eyes as she laughed. “I know you would’ve preferred that option, but I needed time to get my apartment into order. Try as I might, there is always something growing in my fridge every time I come back.”

M’Baku chuckled. “Nice.” He set down his bag and took a moment to survey her living space. “This is very different from how we style things in the Jabari lands.”

Okoye shrugged as she looked around her living room. “I don’t know if you could call this styled...”

The only matching set of furniture she had was her couch and the three chairs that came with them --which she had chosen solely for their comfort. Three mismatched bar stools sat at the kitchen counter. The cubbies under the stand her TV sat on were filled with different souvenirs from her travels outside of Wakanda. The two end tables that bracketed her couch were different shapes and colors --a choice she’d made to annoy Ayo, and a choice she hadn’t regretted as of yet. Different pieces of art that she’d found in different thrift markets hung on the walls.

“No, it is,” M’Baku insisted. “It’s eclectic; it has rhythm.” He nodded at the end tables. “Did those... come like that?”

Okoye shook her head. “I mismatched them to annoy Ayo.”

M’Baku chuckled. “I’ve done stuff like that to irritate Dewani. Am I sleeping on the couch?”

“Only if you piss me off.” Okoye opened the door to her bedroom. “If not, I’d hope you’d stay in here, with me.”

“Well, I don’t plan on pissing you off.” M’Baku set his bag in her bedroom, then nodded at her TV. “What are those?”

“Cartoons. I like watching them during my time off.”

M’Baku grinned. “Really? You like watching cartoons?”

“They’re funny and cute! Besides, an adviser over the Dora Milaje program would tell you that having something completely separate from your life as a soldier is both natural and recommended.”

“It’s fine; I’m not here to judge.”

Okoye raised an eyebrow. “Then why are you still grinning like that?”

“Because every time I turn around, I’m learning something new about you that I didn’t expect. I like it. It’s exciting.” He kissed her forehead gently. “So, what’s our first order of business?”

“Actually, I thought we’d hit the market first.”

“Wasn’t one of the reasons you gave me for delaying my arrival for you to stock up on groceries?”

Okoye smacked his chest with her hand. “I did! I just wasn’t sure about some of the specifics of the vegetarian diet! I wanted your input!”

M’Baku snorted. “It’s not a religious thing. There’s just no space for raising cattle in the mountains. It would be impractical to eat meat.”

Okoye put her hands on her hips. “Have you ever eaten meat in your life?”

“No.”

“Exactly. Introducing it to your system now --especially as a core part of dishes for over a week--would leave you in a world of pain. Trust me. Besides, I thought you’d like the market.”

M’Baku grinned and kissed her cheek. “Lead the way.”

Her instincts, as it turned out, were completely right.

M’Baku loved the market. The natural thrum of energy and din of voices seemed to help him settle right in to the new environment. Dressed in linen clothes, dyed with vibrant colors, he blended in perfectly as well --save for his sheer size.

Okoye smiled as she watched him examine baskets of produce with the intensity of a scholar studying a book. “I see you took your sister’s advice about the clothes.”

M’Baku shrugged as he studied a basket of cowpeas. “You dress down when you’re with me. I dress down when I’m with you. It seemed fair.” He tugged at the collar of his shirt, fanning it against his chest. “Besides, it’s fucking hot down here.”

Okoye patted his shoulder sympathetically. “We can wrap things up here and head back in before the hottest part of the day hits.”

M’Baku gave her a pained look. “It gets hotter?”

Okoye laughed as they started walking again. “So, what do you think of our market?”

“Not all that different from the ones in the Jabari lands, save for the meat. You seem to have a very wide array of produce. There’s a great deal of options that I don’t recognize.”

“Well, I’d imagine a warmer growing climate would have something to do with that.”

M’Baku nodded. “Yes. Do the farmers use vibranium to help grow the plants?”

Okoye shrugged. “I wouldn’t really know. I’d imagine that there’s some element of vibranium use to help non-indigenous crops fair better, but I couldn’t say for sure.”

“I forget. Not everyone is a farmer down here.”

“I know who would know. I could set up a meeting if you’d like.”

M’Baku gave her an incredulous look. “Really? You could do that?”

Okoye adjusted her sunglasses so she could peek over the top of them and gave M’Baku the most glamorous look she could must. “I am General Okoye of the Dora Milaje. I have many contacts across Wakanda.”

M’Baku laughed and put his hand on her waist, drawing her closer in. “Come on. I think the heat’s getting to you faster than it’s getting to me.”

As soon as they got back to her apartment, M’Baku took off his shirt and flopped onto the hardwood floor of her living room.

Okoye laughed as she turned the ceiling fan on to its highest setting, taking pity on him. “How are you feeling?”

“Broiled alive.” He groaned as he flipped onto his stomach, letting the fan cool his back. “How do you survive down here? It’s hotter than hell!”

“Acclimation,” Okoye said. “When you’re used to the heat, it’s not as bad.” She handed him a bottle of water. “Staying hydrated helps, too.”

M’Baku downed half the bottle in a few swigs. “I don’t say this to be insulting, but I much prefer the cold.”

Okoye smiled as she sat down on the sofa. “I understand. I prefer the heat of the low lands, but it’s easier to warm up from being cold than to cool off from being hot.”

“See? The Jabari are superior in more than one way.”

Okoye rolled her eyes, amused, as he flipped onto his back again. “Whatever you say, darling.”

A gentle rainstorm swept through the valley during the late evening, cooling the air down as night set in. Crickets chirped and bullfrogs croaked, taking over the sounds of the city as her citizens bedded down for the night.

Okoye had opened her bedroom window to let the damp, cool breeze float through the room. The ceiling fan was on, keeping the room comfortable.

M’Baku was bent over, peering out the window as he leaned against the frame. “Everything’s really different at night. It’s almost like camping in the valleys. You wouldn’t be able to tell from the palace.”

Okoye smiled as she watched him. “It took me some adjusting the first few times I stayed here. It was bizarre to be so alone, to not have to be in contact with people if I didn’t want to be.”

“I can imagine.” M’Baku stood and stretched. “It feels like a Jabari summer.”

“I take it you’re comfortable, then.”

“More so than I was earlier.” He laid down on the bed next to where she sat. “So, do you have any plans for me this week?”

Okoye shrugged. “I had a few idea. It mostly depends on what you’re game for. We have some museums and libraries I thought you’d like. There are some nature preserves as well, but I’m not sure they’d be the best fit, considering how well you fared today.”

M’Baku shrugged. “We’ll have to play it by ear, but I like the sound of all those options.” He tugged her down to his chest with a playful smile. “Though, I would hope that you accounted for some... quality time as well?”

Okoye grinned back. “Well, that depends on what you mean by ‘quality time.’”

M’Baku started kissing her neck. “Should I show you what I mean?”

“You know what? I think you should.”

She woke up to the sensation of the end of her bed sinking under a heavy weight. Okoye rolled onto her back and squinted at the end of the bed.

M’Baku smiled and held out a steaming mug of coffee to her. “Good morning.”

She had to clear her throat twice before she found her voice. “You figured out the coffee machine.”

He snorted. “Just because I am a Jabari doesn’t mean I can’t use trial and error.” He sipped at his own mug. “So, I was thinking about the ideas you threw around yesterday, for how we could spend our time while I’m here?”

Okoye propped herself up against her pillows. “Yeah?”

“I mean, I like the sound of all of them, but I came here to be with you. I don’t want to spend our time together running this, that, and the other way. I want to do what you do during your time off.”

Okoye shrugged. “Unfortunately, I’m not that interesting when I have time off. I mostly watch cartoons and keep to myself. I figured, since you spend a lot of time doing things and being outside, that you’d want to see and do different things.”

M’Baku sat back, expression contemplative. “Ah. Well, you’re not wrong...”

Okoye tapped her fingernails against the side of her mug. “How about... I think you’ll like the central library the best, and there’s an animal observation center that is air conditioned. We could go to those place to get out of the apartment during the day without forcing you to endure heatstroke. Then, during the mornings and evenings, we can visit some of my favorite places throughout Birnin Zana while it’s cooler out. How does that sound?”

“It sounds good.” He grinned, then set his cup on the nightstand before crawling up the bed towards her. “But, admittedly, I’m not in any hurry to start all that.”

Okoye laughed and quickly set her coffee mug next to his before he could pull her to him. “Oh, really?”

“Well, I mean you’re wearing my shirt. How am I supposed to resist you?”

She managed to get out a short laugh before he covered her lips with a kiss. She wound her arms around his neck and let out a happy sigh.

[everythingisnightvale]

Bonus Info for my Fic

Just little tidbits about my precious boys. Some are mentioned offhandedly in the story but I wanted to restate for the record and other’s are brand new facts.

Reggie

Is actually a good boy.

Has a wonderful home life. He’s the only child of two loving parents who care about his health, well being, and over all happiness.

His parents wanted to have more children, but they had a lot of difficulty conceiving Reg. His mom made a big deal about having a “guest room” but really it’s because she was always holding onto hope that they could have a second child. It never happened, and yeah they’re kind of sad, but they have Reg, and they more or less adopt all of Reg’s friends

His dad is a tiny science man and his mom is a 6 foot strong af beauty who owns an autobody shop and bakes the best chocolate chip cookies. 

Belch is Bisexual. He kind of knows it at this point in the story, but he doesn’t have a word for it. Not really important to the story, but just so everyone knows

I actually have several things I’d like to share about him and his future wife that’ll all go up after the story is finished

He helps fix up his beautiful car(with help from his mom). 

He genuinely likes metal music. He doesn’t just listen to it to be cool or anything. His parents know he likes it and they buy him a bunch of band shirts.

Has a cat named Plumpy. Named after my own cat(who I’m currently at this moment mad at cause she’s a butt)

Everyone thinks Belch is stupid because of how he looks, but he’s not. He makes pretty average grades. 

People also think he’s oblivious and innocent. He’s not. There are just things that he chooses not to get involved in. Patrick thinks he’s some innocent little child for not laughing at his dirty jokes, but Belch just doesn’t find them funny. Why would he laugh if they’re not funny? 

Vic

His parents are almost never home. His dad is gone for business a lot and he usually doesn’t know what his mom is doing. It used to upset him, but now it’s just too much effort to care.

He’s gay. He knows he’s gay. He’s known for a while. When he first figured it out he made the mistake of asking Patrick how he knew he liked dudes(Cause Patrick is the only person he knew who likes men). Patrick just shrugs because he was pretty sure everyone liked everyone, and why does gender even matter.

His mom works for Avon, as a result he knows a lot about hair and makeup and has some awesome smelling lotions and stuff

He’s an observer. People tend to think he’s quiet, but he just likes to listen and take in the facts. He made his move on Henry because he noticed Henry checking him out and he knew the right way to do it because he knows Henry. 

Honestly if he was a bad person he’d have a lot of information to use against people, but he’s not bad. He just honestly gives zero fucks about most things.

He hates things/people that are fake. They irritate him.

His coffee is half a cup of cream, a few table spoons of sugar and then a little splash of coffee.

He will drink half and half straight. He prefers it over milk. 

Patrick

In this story, Patrick is more of an annoying asshole instead of actually evil

He does and says a lot of stupid stuff because he thinks it’s funny. He likes to annoy Henry the most because it’s just so easy.

His parents are around, but they ignore him. He can’t remember the last time they’ve reached out to hug him or anything like that. They will call him down to dinner out of obligation, but if he doesn’t come, they really don’t care. Ever since Avery died, it was like Patrick died with him.

People around town make comments about how Patrick didn’t cry at the funeral, but they don’t realize that he spent a lot of time crying before hand and no one made any move to comfort him. He made himself stop crying because what was the point. (REMINDER He’s 5 years old while this is happening)

All the stuff Patrick actually did in the book are now just rumors. None of those things happened. There is no fridge. There are no flies. But people talk about it like there are. They treat Patrick like he’s deranged person. There are a lot of people in school who he’s never even talked to that are afraid of him. He just rolls with it because what else is he going to do.

His garage has a super cool set up with a tv and a futon. Sometimes the gang will hang out there and drink beer, because they’re 15/16 and why not

He’s the youngest of the group. They all like to remind him of that.

He has an impulse control disorder. He’s gotten in trouble with the law a few times because of small fires. 

He also has a problem with self harm. He will scratch as his arm until he bleeds. Belch is the one who noticed him doing this and turned it into a much bigger deal then Patrick ever wanted. As a result Vic gives him weekly manicures so keep his nails too short to do any damage.

He will wear a rubber band on his wrist and snap himself with him if he feels like it. He tries not to do it in front of the group because they get upset with him.

He has a BIG thing about control. He doesn’t really need to control people, but he needs to be 100% in control of himself. That’s why he doesn’t like to drink heavily or do drugs.

It’s also why he doesn’t care to smoke because he doesn’t want an addiction to control him.

“Fuck off Patrick” is the “Beep Beep Richie” of the group. Only Patrick never fucks off

If he really wanted to label himself, he would say he’s pansexual. People joke about how he would fuck animals, let it be known, he would not.

Henry

Has dyslexia, it’s undiagnosed so he’s not getting the help he needs. That’s why he preforms poorly in school.

Wants to get his drivers license, that’s why Belch let’s him drive, so he can practice. 

Keeps a picture of his mom in his wallet and one strip of photos of him and Vic very well hidden in his rooms. Those are the only two personal/sentimental items he has.

Is welcome to go to Belch’s house literally whenever. Even if it’s 2am. Belch’s family always makes an extra plate of food and has it wrapped up in the fridge just in case Henry’s hungry.

Henry is that bitch who says he doesn’t want anything when you’re in the mcdonalds drive through and then eats half your fries

He doesn’t mind drinking beer, but he will not touch whiskey. It reminds him of his father. The smell alone makes him sick to his stomach.

Part of him knows he’s gay, but another part of him thinks that doesn’t matter because he’s still going to end up with a wife and a kid. The problem is when he pictures his future all he can see is him and Vic living on a farm with pigs and chickens and maybe a few goats that they would jokingly call their “kids”

Speaking of farms. Henry and his dad live on what used to be their grandfather’s farm. It no longer functions are a farm because when the Hanlon family moved to Derry, they had a farm. (They used to do crops, but now for them it’s more raising animals for meat). And the Hanlons were far better farmers and they ended up taking so much business from the Bowers that that farm had to shut down. 

Henry grew up hearing nothing but terrible things about how the Hanlon family took everything from Henry’s family and they wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. (I’m not justifying anything btw. Henry is still a racist piece of shit. I’ll deal with that in the future. Don’t worry)

He has seen the Princess Bride like 12 times. Belch has it on DVD and Henry likes to go over there and watch it, especially when he’s feeling sick. He’s dying to use the “As You Wish” like on Vic, but he’s waiting on the right moment.

[easyfoodnetwork]

From the Strategist: The Best Gifts for Beer Lovers, According to Brewers and Beer Writers

Photo: Tom Kelley Archive/Getty Images

Beer glasses, bottle openers, coolers, and more for your favorite beer drinker, from the Strategist

Finding the best gift for the beer lover in your life can be tricky, especially if you’re not a beer person. And though it might be tempting to give them one of those “funny” beer gifts, like a helmet with the two straws, you can do better than that. There are plenty of clever gift ideas for beer lovers that they’ll use and appreciate, and to make it easy for you to pick a beer gift they might actually want, we consulted a group of experts that included brewers and brewmasters, certified ciceroni, and beer writers to find the best gifts for beer lovers that have more staying power than a six-pack.

Gifts for beer drinkers

Yeti Hopper M30

Yeti coolers, which we’ve deemed the best coolers on the market, are beloved by pretty much anyone who uses them for their virtual indestructibility and the fact that they keep food and drinks (and ice!) cold for literal hours on end. Which is why we were not surprised when Jesse Ferguson, the founder and brewmaster at Interboro Spirits and Ales, told us this Yeti cooler would make an impressive gift for a beer lover who needs to keep their brews ice cold. “This is great for the traveling beer geek,” he says. “Fill it with cans and bottles and check it on your way home from your trip visiting new breweries.” The rugged soft-side cooler has a wide-mouth opening with ultrastrong magnets to keep it closed, as well as top handles, a shoulder strap, leak-proof liner, and a shell that’s resistant to mildew, punctures, and UV rays. It can hold up to 20 cans of beer or 28 pounds of ice.

BrüMate Hopsulator BOTT’L Stainless Steel Insulated Bottle Cooler

Strategist writer Dominique Pariso first turned us on to Brümate’s stainless-steel coozies when she wrote that they kept her slender White Claw ice cold, even on a hot summer day. Luckily for the beer drinker in your life, BrüMate’s Hopsulator coozie comes in a standard size that’ll keep their favorite 12-ounce bottles of IPA ice cold, too.

Yeti Rambler 16 Oz. Colster Tall Can Insulator

Since glass isn’t allowed on many beaches or in some state parks, your favorite beer lover is probably hauling cans all summer long. Mary Izett, co-owner of Fifth Hammer Brewing Company in Queens, New York, loves the Yeti Colster — a can insulator — for summertime imbibing. “They’re lightweight, durable, and keep your beer at the appropriate temperature on the hottest of days,” Izett says.

Spiegelau IPA Glass

“If you want to get some fancy glasses, Spiegelau has some really nice stuff specifically designed for specific styles,” David Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac Beer Co. in Alameda, California, explains. “The IPA glass really makes a difference. I drank the same beer out of their glass and a pint glass, and you can taste so much more flavor from theirs.”

Spiegelau 4-Piece Craft Beer Tasting Kit

If you’re not sure what style of beer they enjoy the most, but still want to upgrade their glassware from novelty pint glasses, give them a Spiegelau four-piece tasting set, which comes with the IPA glass, a glass for stouts, and one for American wheat beer.

Proper Pour Beer Bottle Cap Holder Shadow Box

Bruntmor CAPMAGS Magnetic Beer Opener & Magnetic Cap Catcher

“One year for Christmas, my mom gave me one of those ‘Save Water, Drink Beer’ shadow boxes that you fill with your used bottle caps. She also gave me a wall-mounted bottle opener built from a melted Toasted Lager bottle. It was the perfect combo,” says Dan Jansen, director of supply at Anheuser-Busch’s Brewers Collective. “The challenge became filling the shadowbox by the next Christmas, and I definitely rose to it.” While these aren’t the same shadow box and bottle opener Jansen has, they’re just as compelling to get your beer-loving buddy to get busy (responsibly) filling up that box.

FS Objects Hand 2 Bottle Opener

Speaking of bottle openers, according to Julia Herz, the publisher of CraftBeer.com and craft-beer program director at the Brewers Association, you can’t go wrong with giving a beer lover a solid bottle opener. “A kick-ass bottle opener needs to feel sturdy and work well. It’s a catalyst for each glee-filled moment you open a beer. It needs to be special enough for it to gain more and more meaning and purpose with each use.” We think this one from FS Objects, which is handmade from solid brass, definitely has that “special enough” quality she’s talking about.

Hay Bottle Opener

For a still stylish but less expensive option, try this durable, zinc-alloy bottle opener from Hay (one of the Strategist’s go-to home-goods brands).

iggy Camouflage-Jacquard Webbing Belt

Or, for the beer drinker who prefers to wear his gear, this belt with a built-in bottle opener behind its buckle is sure to delight. It came recommended by our Resident Cool Guy Chris Black, who says the belt has that “I played a side stage at Lollapalooza in 1993” energy.

Pint-Sized Brewing Kit

You’ve heard of the one-gallon brewing kit, but if you’re pressed for space, Brooklyn-based beer supply shop Bitter & Esters sells a pint-size home-brewing kit. It includes a quart Mason jar, green fermentation lid, 16-ounce swing-top bottle, and everything else you need to make a literal pint of beer. “This is a clever, compact, and fun way to get a taste of home brewing before committing to a larger setup,” says Izett, plus it would also make a great gag gift for any amateur home-brewing expert you know.

A di Alessi Anna G. Corkscrew

The lambic beer drinker in your life, though, will need a corkscrew to get to the good stuff. (Bottles of lambic are corked, not capped, and we talk more about this unique type of Belgian beer below.) For them, consider this cheerful one from iconic Italian design company Alessi that Black also recommends. Her name is Anna G. and she was designed by Alessandro Mendini in 1994.

Kaufmann Mercantile Handmade Ceramic Growler With Loop

Herz says the best gifts she has ever received are “two swing-top milk jugs housed in a wooden box with a leather handle. They can be used as baby beer growlers and filled up at my local brewery.” This handmade ceramic growler is similar to the one she uses.

Hydro Flask 64oz Growler

We also love this vacuum-insulated growler from Hydro Flask. It would make a perfect companion to the Yeti cooler on your beer-loving friend’s next camping trip.

GrowlerWerks Copper uKeg Carbonated Growler, 64 oz

If you really want to wow your cold-one swigging loved one, try this snazzy stainless-steel growler that doubles as a tap and also features a pressure gauge and a carbonation cap that “automatically regulates pressure to optimally carbonate beer,” according to the product description.

CraftHouse101 750mL Lambic Basket

The best gift that Jim Raras Jr., the executive vice-president of Mikkeller NYC, ever received is a lambic basket. Lambic is a specific style of beer from Belgium, considered special because it’s fermented with native yeast in the bottle. (That’s also known as bottle-conditioned beer.) But the yeast means that it’s a finicky type of beer to serve, and you want pour it and store it at a tilt so that you don’t get sediment in your glass while drinking. That’s where the lambic basket comes in, and it’s a great gift for Belgian-beer nerds. “The one I received was from a wonderful friend, for my birthday; he got it from brasserie Cantillon — that was very special to me. A properly clear pour of a bottle-conditioned beer is such a delight and really showcases the beer; this helps a ton if you’re not pouring the entire bottle at once.” This handmade one is made from dyed seagrass and rattan.

Kouboo Wine Bottle Basket and Decanter in Rattan-Nito, Brown

This all-rattan lambic basket is also handsome, though slightly less expensive. It can also be used for wine, which is great for a split household.

Beer Across America Monthly Beer Club Subscription

Probably the best gift you could give someone who loves beer is, well, beer. To that end, Nikki McCutcheon, the beverage director at Magic Hour Rooftop Bar and Lounge at the Moxy Times Square hotel, recommends gifting a subscription to a “beer of the month” club from Beer Across America, which, according to her, “offers a customizable monthly subscription of beer samples from all over the country your beer lover is sure to enjoy.” Each month, for however long you choose, Beer Across America delivers four varieties of award-winning beer from two independent craft breweries that have been curated by a panel of experts. If your beer enthusiast can’t hit the road discovering new brews on their own, this subscription is their best bet.

Gifts for beer makers

Maestro Homebrew Beer Equipment Kit with Auto Siphon

“If the person is a novice home brewer, you can get them a basic setup kit,” says Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac. He likes the home-brew starter kit from MoreBeer, an East Bay-based company, but this one from Amazon has all of the same equipment.

Glass Carboy (3 Gallon)

“If the person is more advanced, maybe upgrade one of their pieces of equipment,” advises Zuskov. “If they’re using a plastic bucket to ferment, maybe buy them a glass carboy.” And whether you’re buying home-brew equipment for a new or experienced brewer, consider also getting them grain, malt, and hops. “You could always buy the ingredients for the brew and then that way you could go and brew the beer with them.”

Kegco 24” Wide Triple Tap Stainless Steel Kegerator

For the serious beer lover or home brewer, Mulligan recommends a Kegerator — that is, a fridge for a keg. While definitely pricey, “a Kegerator is a great way to spruce up a home-bar setup for your beer collector,” she says. She likes this 24-inch model from Kegco that can accommodate a full-size keg (even commercial ones from the likes of Coors and Miller); a half or quarter-size barrel; or three narrower home-brew kegs. It also comes with three taps and caster wheels for easy mobility, and can be converted into a regular refrigerator by adding the two included shelves. “If your beer lover is also a home-brewing geek, choose hookups for a Corny (Cornelius) keg,” adds Mulligan. Andrew McNally, the founder and brewmaster at Common Bond Brewers — Montgomery, Alabama’s only production brewery — agrees that “a kegerator makes a great gift,” adding, “You get to serve draft like the pros in the comfort of your very own (wo)man cave.”

Gifts for beer geeks

The Oxford Companion to Beer

“In terms of giving a beer-related gift, I would have to say that the Oxford Companion to Beer is a great option,” says Zach Mack, beer writer and owner of Alphabet City Beer Co. and Governors Island Beer Co. “It’s perfect for someone who already knows a little bit about beer and wants to learn more, but doesn’t want to dive into the insanely overcrowded realm of beer books. It’s a very concise and tightly written encyclopedic record for beer that’s remarkably approachable given its depth. And even if they don’t end up using it every time they crack a beer, it looks nice on a bookshelf or coffee table.”

The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food

The author of the Oxford Companion, Garrett Oliver, is the brewmaster at Brooklyn Brewery and the 2014 winner of the James Beard Award for Excellent Wine, Beer or Spirits Professional. His first book, The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food, is also a good read for someone who knows they like drinking beer, but doesn’t know much about the history or even different styles of brewing.

Tasting Beer, 2nd Edition: An Insider’s Guide to the World’s Greatest Drink

“I can’t recommend Randy Mosher’s Tasting Beer enough for anyone who wants to develop and refine their palate and develop a better understanding of the sensory components of the beer they’re drinking,” says Izett. “Honestly, if you drink beer, you need this book.”

The Complete Beer Course: Boot Camp for Beer Geeks: From Novice to Expert in Twelve Tasting Classes

“It’s impossible for me to overlook how instrumental Josh Bernstein’s The Complete Beer Course was in motivating me to dig deeper into the infinite world of beer,” says Blake Tomnitz, co-founder and CEO of Five Boroughs Brewing Co. “Not to mention, it helped solidify my desire to work in the beer industry. For someone who loves beer, it hits all the right notes.”

“The New World Guide to Beer” by Michael Jackson

“Michael Jackson’s Beer Companion: The World’s Great Beer Styles, Gastronomy, and Traditions” by Michael Jackson

These books by the late English beer critic and author Michael Jackson (a.k.a. the Beer Hunter) — who is credited for kickstarting the North American microbrewery movement in the 1970s — are deep cuts for those who know. Mulligan told us they are some of her favorite beer gifts to give. “Both books are approachable for first-timers and don’t talk down to the amateur consumer,” she says. If your recipient prefers to crack open a beer instead of a book, Mulligan adds that these are just as good for displaying on a coffee table as they are for reading. While they’re out of print, you can still buy used copies Amazon at relatively low prices.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/31RAAvV https://ift.tt/2VVsEpY

Photo: Tom Kelley Archive/Getty Images

Beer glasses, bottle openers, coolers, and more for your favorite beer drinker, from the Strategist

Finding the best gift for the beer lover in your life can be tricky, especially if you’re not a beer person. And though it might be tempting to give them one of those “funny” beer gifts, like a helmet with the two straws, you can do better than that. There are plenty of clever gift ideas for beer lovers that they’ll use and appreciate, and to make it easy for you to pick a beer gift they might actually want, we consulted a group of experts that included brewers and brewmasters, certified ciceroni, and beer writers to find the best gifts for beer lovers that have more staying power than a six-pack.

Gifts for beer drinkers

Yeti Hopper M30

Yeti coolers, which we’ve deemed the best coolers on the market, are beloved by pretty much anyone who uses them for their virtual indestructibility and the fact that they keep food and drinks (and ice!) cold for literal hours on end. Which is why we were not surprised when Jesse Ferguson, the founder and brewmaster at Interboro Spirits and Ales, told us this Yeti cooler would make an impressive gift for a beer lover who needs to keep their brews ice cold. “This is great for the traveling beer geek,” he says. “Fill it with cans and bottles and check it on your way home from your trip visiting new breweries.” The rugged soft-side cooler has a wide-mouth opening with ultrastrong magnets to keep it closed, as well as top handles, a shoulder strap, leak-proof liner, and a shell that’s resistant to mildew, punctures, and UV rays. It can hold up to 20 cans of beer or 28 pounds of ice.

BrüMate Hopsulator BOTT’L Stainless Steel Insulated Bottle Cooler

Strategist writer Dominique Pariso first turned us on to Brümate’s stainless-steel coozies when she wrote that they kept her slender White Claw ice cold, even on a hot summer day. Luckily for the beer drinker in your life, BrüMate’s Hopsulator coozie comes in a standard size that’ll keep their favorite 12-ounce bottles of IPA ice cold, too.

Yeti Rambler 16 Oz. Colster Tall Can Insulator

Since glass isn’t allowed on many beaches or in some state parks, your favorite beer lover is probably hauling cans all summer long. Mary Izett, co-owner of Fifth Hammer Brewing Company in Queens, New York, loves the Yeti Colster — a can insulator — for summertime imbibing. “They’re lightweight, durable, and keep your beer at the appropriate temperature on the hottest of days,” Izett says.

Spiegelau IPA Glass

“If you want to get some fancy glasses, Spiegelau has some really nice stuff specifically designed for specific styles,” David Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac Beer Co. in Alameda, California, explains. “The IPA glass really makes a difference. I drank the same beer out of their glass and a pint glass, and you can taste so much more flavor from theirs.”

Spiegelau 4-Piece Craft Beer Tasting Kit

If you’re not sure what style of beer they enjoy the most, but still want to upgrade their glassware from novelty pint glasses, give them a Spiegelau four-piece tasting set, which comes with the IPA glass, a glass for stouts, and one for American wheat beer.

Proper Pour Beer Bottle Cap Holder Shadow Box

Bruntmor CAPMAGS Magnetic Beer Opener & Magnetic Cap Catcher

“One year for Christmas, my mom gave me one of those ‘Save Water, Drink Beer’ shadow boxes that you fill with your used bottle caps. She also gave me a wall-mounted bottle opener built from a melted Toasted Lager bottle. It was the perfect combo,” says Dan Jansen, director of supply at Anheuser-Busch’s Brewers Collective. “The challenge became filling the shadowbox by the next Christmas, and I definitely rose to it.” While these aren’t the same shadow box and bottle opener Jansen has, they’re just as compelling to get your beer-loving buddy to get busy (responsibly) filling up that box.

FS Objects Hand 2 Bottle Opener

Speaking of bottle openers, according to Julia Herz, the publisher of CraftBeer.com and craft-beer program director at the Brewers Association, you can’t go wrong with giving a beer lover a solid bottle opener. “A kick-ass bottle opener needs to feel sturdy and work well. It’s a catalyst for each glee-filled moment you open a beer. It needs to be special enough for it to gain more and more meaning and purpose with each use.” We think this one from FS Objects, which is handmade from solid brass, definitely has that “special enough” quality she’s talking about.

Hay Bottle Opener

For a still stylish but less expensive option, try this durable, zinc-alloy bottle opener from Hay (one of the Strategist’s go-to home-goods brands).

iggy Camouflage-Jacquard Webbing Belt

Or, for the beer drinker who prefers to wear his gear, this belt with a built-in bottle opener behind its buckle is sure to delight. It came recommended by our Resident Cool Guy Chris Black, who says the belt has that “I played a side stage at Lollapalooza in 1993” energy.

Pint-Sized Brewing Kit

You’ve heard of the one-gallon brewing kit, but if you’re pressed for space, Brooklyn-based beer supply shop Bitter & Esters sells a pint-size home-brewing kit. It includes a quart Mason jar, green fermentation lid, 16-ounce swing-top bottle, and everything else you need to make a literal pint of beer. “This is a clever, compact, and fun way to get a taste of home brewing before committing to a larger setup,” says Izett, plus it would also make a great gag gift for any amateur home-brewing expert you know.

A di Alessi Anna G. Corkscrew

The lambic beer drinker in your life, though, will need a corkscrew to get to the good stuff. (Bottles of lambic are corked, not capped, and we talk more about this unique type of Belgian beer below.) For them, consider this cheerful one from iconic Italian design company Alessi that Black also recommends. Her name is Anna G. and she was designed by Alessandro Mendini in 1994.

Kaufmann Mercantile Handmade Ceramic Growler With Loop

Herz says the best gifts she has ever received are “two swing-top milk jugs housed in a wooden box with a leather handle. They can be used as baby beer growlers and filled up at my local brewery.” This handmade ceramic growler is similar to the one she uses.

Hydro Flask 64oz Growler

We also love this vacuum-insulated growler from Hydro Flask. It would make a perfect companion to the Yeti cooler on your beer-loving friend’s next camping trip.

GrowlerWerks Copper uKeg Carbonated Growler, 64 oz

If you really want to wow your cold-one swigging loved one, try this snazzy stainless-steel growler that doubles as a tap and also features a pressure gauge and a carbonation cap that “automatically regulates pressure to optimally carbonate beer,” according to the product description.

CraftHouse101 750mL Lambic Basket

The best gift that Jim Raras Jr., the executive vice-president of Mikkeller NYC, ever received is a lambic basket. Lambic is a specific style of beer from Belgium, considered special because it’s fermented with native yeast in the bottle. (That’s also known as bottle-conditioned beer.) But the yeast means that it’s a finicky type of beer to serve, and you want pour it and store it at a tilt so that you don’t get sediment in your glass while drinking. That’s where the lambic basket comes in, and it’s a great gift for Belgian-beer nerds. “The one I received was from a wonderful friend, for my birthday; he got it from brasserie Cantillon — that was very special to me. A properly clear pour of a bottle-conditioned beer is such a delight and really showcases the beer; this helps a ton if you’re not pouring the entire bottle at once.” This handmade one is made from dyed seagrass and rattan.

Kouboo Wine Bottle Basket and Decanter in Rattan-Nito, Brown

This all-rattan lambic basket is also handsome, though slightly less expensive. It can also be used for wine, which is great for a split household.

Beer Across America Monthly Beer Club Subscription

Probably the best gift you could give someone who loves beer is, well, beer. To that end, Nikki McCutcheon, the beverage director at Magic Hour Rooftop Bar and Lounge at the Moxy Times Square hotel, recommends gifting a subscription to a “beer of the month” club from Beer Across America, which, according to her, “offers a customizable monthly subscription of beer samples from all over the country your beer lover is sure to enjoy.” Each month, for however long you choose, Beer Across America delivers four varieties of award-winning beer from two independent craft breweries that have been curated by a panel of experts. If your beer enthusiast can’t hit the road discovering new brews on their own, this subscription is their best bet.

Gifts for beer makers

Maestro Homebrew Beer Equipment Kit with Auto Siphon

“If the person is a novice home brewer, you can get them a basic setup kit,” says Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac. He likes the home-brew starter kit from MoreBeer, an East Bay-based company, but this one from Amazon has all of the same equipment.

Glass Carboy (3 Gallon)

“If the person is more advanced, maybe upgrade one of their pieces of equipment,” advises Zuskov. “If they’re using a plastic bucket to ferment, maybe buy them a glass carboy.” And whether you’re buying home-brew equipment for a new or experienced brewer, consider also getting them grain, malt, and hops. “You could always buy the ingredients for the brew and then that way you could go and brew the beer with them.”

Kegco 24” Wide Triple Tap Stainless Steel Kegerator

For the serious beer lover or home brewer, Mulligan recommends a Kegerator — that is, a fridge for a keg. While definitely pricey, “a Kegerator is a great way to spruce up a home-bar setup for your beer collector,” she says. She likes this 24-inch model from Kegco that can accommodate a full-size keg (even commercial ones from the likes of Coors and Miller); a half or quarter-size barrel; or three narrower home-brew kegs. It also comes with three taps and caster wheels for easy mobility, and can be converted into a regular refrigerator by adding the two included shelves. “If your beer lover is also a home-brewing geek, choose hookups for a Corny (Cornelius) keg,” adds Mulligan. Andrew McNally, the founder and brewmaster at Common Bond Brewers — Montgomery, Alabama’s only production brewery — agrees that “a kegerator makes a great gift,” adding, “You get to serve draft like the pros in the comfort of your very own (wo)man cave.”

Gifts for beer geeks

The Oxford Companion to Beer

“In terms of giving a beer-related gift, I would have to say that the Oxford Companion to Beer is a great option,” says Zach Mack, beer writer and owner of Alphabet City Beer Co. and Governors Island Beer Co. “It’s perfect for someone who already knows a little bit about beer and wants to learn more, but doesn’t want to dive into the insanely overcrowded realm of beer books. It’s a very concise and tightly written encyclopedic record for beer that’s remarkably approachable given its depth. And even if they don’t end up using it every time they crack a beer, it looks nice on a bookshelf or coffee table.”

The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food

The author of the Oxford Companion, Garrett Oliver, is the brewmaster at Brooklyn Brewery and the 2014 winner of the James Beard Award for Excellent Wine, Beer or Spirits Professional. His first book, The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food, is also a good read for someone who knows they like drinking beer, but doesn’t know much about the history or even different styles of brewing.

Tasting Beer, 2nd Edition: An Insider’s Guide to the World’s Greatest Drink

“I can’t recommend Randy Mosher’s Tasting Beer enough for anyone who wants to develop and refine their palate and develop a better understanding of the sensory components of the beer they’re drinking,” says Izett. “Honestly, if you drink beer, you need this book.”

The Complete Beer Course: Boot Camp for Beer Geeks: From Novice to Expert in Twelve Tasting Classes

“It’s impossible for me to overlook how instrumental Josh Bernstein’s The Complete Beer Course was in motivating me to dig deeper into the infinite world of beer,” says Blake Tomnitz, co-founder and CEO of Five Boroughs Brewing Co. “Not to mention, it helped solidify my desire to work in the beer industry. For someone who loves beer, it hits all the right notes.”

“The New World Guide to Beer” by Michael Jackson

“Michael Jackson’s Beer Companion: The World’s Great Beer Styles, Gastronomy, and Traditions” by Michael Jackson

These books by the late English beer critic and author Michael Jackson (a.k.a. the Beer Hunter) — who is credited for kickstarting the North American microbrewery movement in the 1970s — are deep cuts for those who know. Mulligan told us they are some of her favorite beer gifts to give. “Both books are approachable for first-timers and don’t talk down to the amateur consumer,” she says. If your recipient prefers to crack open a beer instead of a book, Mulligan adds that these are just as good for displaying on a coffee table as they are for reading. While they’re out of print, you can still buy used copies Amazon at relatively low prices.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/31RAAvV via Blogger https://ift.tt/3gumFjC

[bornconfused444]

What’s your favourite cereal? Froot Loops.

Is there a bus stop near your house? Yes.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine? Neither I don’t like wine.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there? Pearson because I was coming back from Surrey.

Who do you live with? My roommate.

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like? Nope.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend? Not recently but I had a falling out with a friend like 2 months ago and we haven’t talked since so if you call that recent then I guess.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside? It’s sunny out I don’t know if it’s warm though because I haven’t been outside yet.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently? Yeah.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down? Pen yes to write out my feelings so I don’t bottle them up and explode.

What does your last text message say and who is it from? I don’t know exactly but it’s something about dying but it’s not meant to be depressing it was supposed to be funny.

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film? I don’t really have a favourite movie.

When was the last time you ate marshmallows? Like a month ago.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them? No.

How old will you be in the year 2030? I don’t know I suck at math and I’m 23 today. SOMEONE DO THIS FOR ME PLEASE.

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from? Sometimes.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on? I don’t know.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions? Depends on how I’m feeling that day and how motivated I am to answer questions.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy? Whatever’s on sale.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed? Nope.

Why did you leave your last job? I started school again.

What colour were the last socks you wore? White.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study? Nope.

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying? No.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud? I don’t know.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener? Apple cinnamon.

How many weddings have you ever been to? 2.

Do you know anyone named Nora? No.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? They’re in good condition but I wouldn’t oppose to a mani pedi.

When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play? I don’t know and I don’t know.

How old were you when you first became sexually active? 17.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol? Not specifically for beer or alcohol no.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls? No.

When was the last time you went out for drinks? A couple weeks ago.

Have you ever been to a strip club? Nope.

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? I don’t know what that means.

Would you ever wear real authentic leather? Nope I don’t even like wearing fake leather. I just don’t like leather. XD

Have you taken out the trash today? Nope but ‘m sure I will by the end of the night.

How often do you wear make-up? Everyday usually unless I don’t go out at all that day.

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons? I like it but I like the old episodes more than I like the new episodes.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes? I don’t know I don’t really like any stripes.

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce? Yes.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving? Nope.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse? No but I would.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not? Yes.

Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out? It needs a cleaning out but that’s only because we buy something think we want it and then when we get it we only eat a bit of it then forget about it lmao.

When was the last time you washed the dishes? Last night.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis? No.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in? Downtown yes but other than that not really.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache? Complain about it lmao.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work. I’m not working.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you? Nope except for like sirens but it doesn’t really bother me.

Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese? I don’t know hat squeeky cheese is but I don’t like poutine so I don’t feel like I really wanna know.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them? Shellfish and I just have to not eat it.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment? None but the person who answered this before was listening to Sludge Factory which I’ve never heard but it’s by a band that I like so I think I’m gonna listen to that after this survey.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? I don’t remember.

Did you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after? Yea earlier today and I might take another one later but I really wanna pluck my eyebrows (TMI?) because they’re really bothering me.

Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size? Yes.

What’s your favourite kind of bread? Whole Wheat.

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get? A couple days ago and just pepperoni.

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version? I own Simpsons Monopoly.

What was the last thing you said out loud? I don’t remember.

You have to choose one: cats or dogs? Cats.

How do you travel to and from work? I’m not working.

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why? Debit.

Have you ever been to a stadium concert? Yeah.

[easyfoodnetwork]

Photo: Tom Kelley Archive/Getty Images Beer glasses, bottle openers, coolers, and more for your favorite beer drinker, from the Strategist Finding the best gift for the beer lover in your life can be tricky, especially if you’re not a beer person. And though it might be tempting to give them one of those “funny” beer gifts, like a helmet with the two straws, you can do better than that. There are plenty of clever gift ideas for beer lovers that they’ll use and appreciate, and to make it easy for you to pick a beer gift they might actually want, we consulted a group of experts that included brewers and brewmasters, certified ciceroni, and beer writers to find the best gifts for beer lovers that have more staying power than a six-pack. Gifts for beer drinkers Yeti Hopper M30 Yeti coolers, which we’ve deemed the best coolers on the market, are beloved by pretty much anyone who uses them for their virtual indestructibility and the fact that they keep food and drinks (and ice!) cold for literal hours on end. Which is why we were not surprised when Jesse Ferguson, the founder and brewmaster at Interboro Spirits and Ales, told us this Yeti cooler would make an impressive gift for a beer lover who needs to keep their brews ice cold. “This is great for the traveling beer geek,” he says. “Fill it with cans and bottles and check it on your way home from your trip visiting new breweries.” The rugged soft-side cooler has a wide-mouth opening with ultrastrong magnets to keep it closed, as well as top handles, a shoulder strap, leak-proof liner, and a shell that’s resistant to mildew, punctures, and UV rays. It can hold up to 20 cans of beer or 28 pounds of ice. BrüMate Hopsulator BOTT’L Stainless Steel Insulated Bottle Cooler Strategist writer Dominique Pariso first turned us on to Brümate’s stainless-steel coozies when she wrote that they kept her slender White Claw ice cold, even on a hot summer day. Luckily for the beer drinker in your life, BrüMate’s Hopsulator coozie comes in a standard size that’ll keep their favorite 12-ounce bottles of IPA ice cold, too. Yeti Rambler 16 Oz. Colster Tall Can Insulator Since glass isn’t allowed on many beaches or in some state parks, your favorite beer lover is probably hauling cans all summer long. Mary Izett, co-owner of Fifth Hammer Brewing Company in Queens, New York, loves the Yeti Colster — a can insulator — for summertime imbibing. “They’re lightweight, durable, and keep your beer at the appropriate temperature on the hottest of days,” Izett says. Spiegelau IPA Glass “If you want to get some fancy glasses, Spiegelau has some really nice stuff specifically designed for specific styles,” David Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac Beer Co. in Alameda, California, explains. “The IPA glass really makes a difference. I drank the same beer out of their glass and a pint glass, and you can taste so much more flavor from theirs.” Spiegelau 4-Piece Craft Beer Tasting Kit If you’re not sure what style of beer they enjoy the most, but still want to upgrade their glassware from novelty pint glasses, give them a Spiegelau four-piece tasting set, which comes with the IPA glass, a glass for stouts, and one for American wheat beer. Proper Pour Beer Bottle Cap Holder Shadow Box Bruntmor CAPMAGS Magnetic Beer Opener & Magnetic Cap Catcher “One year for Christmas, my mom gave me one of those ‘Save Water, Drink Beer’ shadow boxes that you fill with your used bottle caps. She also gave me a wall-mounted bottle opener built from a melted Toasted Lager bottle. It was the perfect combo,” says Dan Jansen, director of supply at Anheuser-Busch’s Brewers Collective. “The challenge became filling the shadowbox by the next Christmas, and I definitely rose to it.” While these aren’t the same shadow box and bottle opener Jansen has, they’re just as compelling to get your beer-loving buddy to get busy (responsibly) filling up that box. FS Objects Hand 2 Bottle Opener Speaking of bottle openers, according to Julia Herz, the publisher of CraftBeer.com and craft-beer program director at the Brewers Association, you can’t go wrong with giving a beer lover a solid bottle opener. “A kick-ass bottle opener needs to feel sturdy and work well. It’s a catalyst for each glee-filled moment you open a beer. It needs to be special enough for it to gain more and more meaning and purpose with each use.” We think this one from FS Objects, which is handmade from solid brass, definitely has that “special enough” quality she’s talking about. Hay Bottle Opener For a still stylish but less expensive option, try this durable, zinc-alloy bottle opener from Hay (one of the Strategist’s go-to home-goods brands). iggy Camouflage-Jacquard Webbing Belt Or, for the beer drinker who prefers to wear his gear, this belt with a built-in bottle opener behind its buckle is sure to delight. It came recommended by our Resident Cool Guy Chris Black, who says the belt has that “I played a side stage at Lollapalooza in 1993” energy. Pint-Sized Brewing Kit You’ve heard of the one-gallon brewing kit, but if you’re pressed for space, Brooklyn-based beer supply shop Bitter & Esters sells a pint-size home-brewing kit. It includes a quart Mason jar, green fermentation lid, 16-ounce swing-top bottle, and everything else you need to make a literal pint of beer. “This is a clever, compact, and fun way to get a taste of home brewing before committing to a larger setup,” says Izett, plus it would also make a great gag gift for any amateur home-brewing expert you know. A di Alessi Anna G. Corkscrew The lambic beer drinker in your life, though, will need a corkscrew to get to the good stuff. (Bottles of lambic are corked, not capped, and we talk more about this unique type of Belgian beer below.) For them, consider this cheerful one from iconic Italian design company Alessi that Black also recommends. Her name is Anna G. and she was designed by Alessandro Mendini in 1994. Kaufmann Mercantile Handmade Ceramic Growler With Loop Herz says the best gifts she has ever received are “two swing-top milk jugs housed in a wooden box with a leather handle. They can be used as baby beer growlers and filled up at my local brewery.” This handmade ceramic growler is similar to the one she uses. Hydro Flask 64oz Growler We also love this vacuum-insulated growler from Hydro Flask. It would make a perfect companion to the Yeti cooler on your beer-loving friend’s next camping trip. GrowlerWerks Copper uKeg Carbonated Growler, 64 oz If you really want to wow your cold-one swigging loved one, try this snazzy stainless-steel growler that doubles as a tap and also features a pressure gauge and a carbonation cap that “automatically regulates pressure to optimally carbonate beer,” according to the product description. CraftHouse101 750mL Lambic Basket The best gift that Jim Raras Jr., the executive vice-president of Mikkeller NYC, ever received is a lambic basket. Lambic is a specific style of beer from Belgium, considered special because it’s fermented with native yeast in the bottle. (That’s also known as bottle-conditioned beer.) But the yeast means that it’s a finicky type of beer to serve, and you want pour it and store it at a tilt so that you don’t get sediment in your glass while drinking. That’s where the lambic basket comes in, and it’s a great gift for Belgian-beer nerds. “The one I received was from a wonderful friend, for my birthday; he got it from brasserie Cantillon — that was very special to me. A properly clear pour of a bottle-conditioned beer is such a delight and really showcases the beer; this helps a ton if you’re not pouring the entire bottle at once.” This handmade one is made from dyed seagrass and rattan. Kouboo Wine Bottle Basket and Decanter in Rattan-Nito, Brown This all-rattan lambic basket is also handsome, though slightly less expensive. It can also be used for wine, which is great for a split household. Beer Across America Monthly Beer Club Subscription Probably the best gift you could give someone who loves beer is, well, beer. To that end, Nikki McCutcheon, the beverage director at Magic Hour Rooftop Bar and Lounge at the Moxy Times Square hotel, recommends gifting a subscription to a “beer of the month” club from Beer Across America, which, according to her, “offers a customizable monthly subscription of beer samples from all over the country your beer lover is sure to enjoy.” Each month, for however long you choose, Beer Across America delivers four varieties of award-winning beer from two independent craft breweries that have been curated by a panel of experts. If your beer enthusiast can’t hit the road discovering new brews on their own, this subscription is their best bet. Gifts for beer makers Maestro Homebrew Beer Equipment Kit with Auto Siphon “If the person is a novice home brewer, you can get them a basic setup kit,” says Zuskov, the brewer and lab manager at Almanac. He likes the home-brew starter kit from MoreBeer, an East Bay-based company, but this one from Amazon has all of the same equipment. Glass Carboy (3 Gallon) “If the person is more advanced, maybe upgrade one of their pieces of equipment,” advises Zuskov. “If they’re using a plastic bucket to ferment, maybe buy them a glass carboy.” And whether you’re buying home-brew equipment for a new or experienced brewer, consider also getting them grain, malt, and hops. “You could always buy the ingredients for the brew and then that way you could go and brew the beer with them.” Kegco 24” Wide Triple Tap Stainless Steel Kegerator For the serious beer lover or home brewer, Mulligan recommends a Kegerator — that is, a fridge for a keg. While definitely pricey, “a Kegerator is a great way to spruce up a home-bar setup for your beer collector,” she says. She likes this 24-inch model from Kegco that can accommodate a full-size keg (even commercial ones from the likes of Coors and Miller); a half or quarter-size barrel; or three narrower home-brew kegs. It also comes with three taps and caster wheels for easy mobility, and can be converted into a regular refrigerator by adding the two included shelves. “If your beer lover is also a home-brewing geek, choose hookups for a Corny (Cornelius) keg,” adds Mulligan. Andrew McNally, the founder and brewmaster at Common Bond Brewers — Montgomery, Alabama’s only production brewery — agrees that “a kegerator makes a great gift,” adding, “You get to serve draft like the pros in the comfort of your very own (wo)man cave.” Gifts for beer geeks The Oxford Companion to Beer “In terms of giving a beer-related gift, I would have to say that the Oxford Companion to Beer is a great option,” says Zach Mack, beer writer and owner of Alphabet City Beer Co. and Governors Island Beer Co. “It’s perfect for someone who already knows a little bit about beer and wants to learn more, but doesn’t want to dive into the insanely overcrowded realm of beer books. It’s a very concise and tightly written encyclopedic record for beer that’s remarkably approachable given its depth. And even if they don’t end up using it every time they crack a beer, it looks nice on a bookshelf or coffee table.” The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food The author of the Oxford Companion, Garrett Oliver, is the brewmaster at Brooklyn Brewery and the 2014 winner of the James Beard Award for Excellent Wine, Beer or Spirits Professional. His first book, The Brewmaster’s Table: Discovering the Pleasures of Real Beer With Real Food, is also a good read for someone who knows they like drinking beer, but doesn’t know much about the history or even different styles of brewing. Tasting Beer, 2nd Edition: An Insider’s Guide to the World’s Greatest Drink “I can’t recommend Randy Mosher’s Tasting Beer enough for anyone who wants to develop and refine their palate and develop a better understanding of the sensory components of the beer they’re drinking,” says Izett. “Honestly, if you drink beer, you need this book.” The Complete Beer Course: Boot Camp for Beer Geeks: From Novice to Expert in Twelve Tasting Classes “It’s impossible for me to overlook how instrumental Josh Bernstein’s The Complete Beer Course was in motivating me to dig deeper into the infinite world of beer,” says Blake Tomnitz, co-founder and CEO of Five Boroughs Brewing Co. “Not to mention, it helped solidify my desire to work in the beer industry. For someone who loves beer, it hits all the right notes.” “The New World Guide to Beer” by Michael Jackson “Michael Jackson’s Beer Companion: The World’s Great Beer Styles, Gastronomy, and Traditions” by Michael Jackson These books by the late English beer critic and author Michael Jackson (a.k.a. the Beer Hunter) — who is credited for kickstarting the North American microbrewery movement in the 1970s — are deep cuts for those who know. Mulligan told us they are some of her favorite beer gifts to give. “Both books are approachable for first-timers and don’t talk down to the amateur consumer,” she says. If your recipient prefers to crack open a beer instead of a book, Mulligan adds that these are just as good for displaying on a coffee table as they are for reading. While they’re out of print, you can still buy used copies Amazon at relatively low prices. from Eater - All https://ift.tt/31RAAvV

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