#the bad kids can’t go to the guidance counselor because it’s not just going to the guidance counselor for them

[gods-favorite-autistic]

I feel like this last episode really has been such a big reminder that Jawbone is not in any way trained to be a guidance counselor. Is he amazing at his job yes he’s great he’s helped so many kids but he is not legally qualified, plus there’s the added factor of him only having the job because of a party of students who are currently at the school and his adoptive daughter stepdaughter and the kid whose been living with him for months all go there so he can’t be truly impartial in matters concerning them like he’s supposed to. Do I think he shouldn’t have the job no because he’s amazing at it otherwise but I do think that there should be a second counselor with no connections to any of the students

[hitlikehammers]

whole wide world

rating: t ♥️ cw: criminal-levels of softness, rockstar!Eddie, teacher! Steve, gooey-clingy-heart-eyes Eddie needs his Stevie ♥️ tags: established relationship, rockstar!eddie, teacher!steve, rockstar husbands, amateur musicals, steve needs to stop using a ladder unsupervised because nothing bad happened this time but eddie is concerned that is the love of his life, soul-deep love, slice of life, softness

for @steddielovemonth day thirteen: Love is showing up when someone doesn’t ask ❤️ (@steddieas-shegoes)

look who's back, just like every other day, it's the rockstar husbands from je ne regrette rien being their codependent, desperately-in-love selves again! ♥️

“Goddamnit,” Steve curses the staple gun, the dry-rotted wood he’s trying to use it on, the acrylic-covered tarp masquerading as a backdrop leaving little crackle-dust everywhere every single time it fucking falls because the wood’s shit, the staples are shit, his co-advisor’s kid’s sick with the flu, the kids are in the band room rehearsing the opening number and Steve really cannot fucking believe he got roped into this to begin with, actually, like, how the fuck did the middle school guidance-counselor-slash-study-hall-monitor get conned into helping with the high school drama club, just because one of his JV soccer players landed the lead and bemoaned loudly enough during laps how they didn’t know if they’d be able to make the performance even work, because the choir teacher’s on maternity leave and the band director’s kind of a dick, and the needed more help—

Steve only is even in the high school for the goddamn athletics office. For, y’know, the equipments for the athletes.

Yet: here he is. Standing on a rusty fucking ladder that probably needs a spotter, to be honest, and if Steve’s admitting that then yeah, it definitely needs someone holding the goddamn thing, but here he is, already two hours after the final bell, trying to stick a painting of mattressesin a stack that only vaguely looks like mattresses so thank god that’s in the show title—

The ladder wobbles a little when he tries to catch the tarp-thing again but he can’t reach far enough without risking a long way down to a very hard stage floor, so the backdrop’s sacrificed back to the ground—a-fucking-gain—as he shifts his weight to steady the steps and it’s a close thing, he’s about ninety-seven percent sure he’s aimed the teetering feet of it back to solid ground okay but he glances around quick just in case, tries to figure if there’s anything he can grab for and let the ladder go on its own if need-be, and—

“That’s fucking dangerous, big boy,” a deep, and deeply unexpected, voice trails up from the floor, clipped with stress, with fear because Steve fucking knows that voice, and the ladder’s suddenly fully steady so he can turn and look and—

“Gonna give me a goddamn stroke or something, finding you up on one of these all by your lonesome,” Eddie’s staring up at him, and the words could be teasing, and Steve thinks maybe they intend to be, but: those eyes are too big. There’s a pulse Steve can count in that throat, even from seven-feet-up.

So he does what any man in love with his husband would do in the face of said-husband in fear, and for him: Steve climbs down careful, but quick, with Eddie’s hands scrambling to make sure of the ‘careful’ part as soon as he can reach, and then he turns, and then he lands on solid ground again to pull Eddie in and thank every colleague of his he’d been cursing in his mind for leaving him alone to do all this shit, because alone is the reason he gets to kiss his lover hard, and full; wrap around him and let him squeeze Steve to the point where it aches, where it creaks in his bones, like proof.

Lets Eddie attach his lips to suck a bruise, possessive and needy and protective all at once along his throat, and yeah:

Exactly like proof.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asks when they pull apart just the slightest bit, because he wasn’t expecting Eddie to be home until probably close-on to midnight, let alone at the school well before five.

“Thought you could maybe use an extra set of hands,” Eddie shrugs like it’s a casual thing, showing up just to help out when he’s on a press cycle, and it’s evident even in his attire that that’s the case, if you know what to look for: more chains from his jeans, thicker soles on his boots just flirting with being platforms, at least two rings on every finger—save just one.

One has a ring, and a carefully-preserved and repeatedly-reinforced bread-bag tie: both serving the same purpose in very different points in their lives.

Point being: Eddie was wading through photoshoots and magazine spreads and radio spots and every fucking thing, and no matter how high he’s raising his eyebrow in a clear calling out of how he found Steve atop a shaky ladder as being obvious evidence of having use of an extra set of hands, the fact remains:

“But you’ve got the interview—“ the big ass interview with that shock-jock guy Steve kinda hates, but that’s a big fucking deal, and was the precise reason Steve wasn’t lamenting giving up his afternoon and evening to the at-least-halfway-to-lost-cause of the not-even-an-actual-full-fledged-theatre department: he wasn’t going to have Eddie home before bed anyway.

And yet: here stands the man.

“The boys have got it,” Eddie shrugs, like he actually doesn’t give a shit, and that’s…he does give a shit, he had sounded excited about it last night when they’d talked about their plans for the week over dinner, when Steve had bemoaned the travesty of this fucking production of Once Upon A Boxspring or whatever, and Eddie’d told him he was pretty sure he was going to be able to say fuck on the show even if they’d edit it, like he wouldn’t get in trouble, and he’d looked like a kid in a goddamn candy shop about it so yeah: Steve thinks he kinda did give a shit.

But he’s…not there.

“Gareth’s been itching to take the reins after he won out the final track list,” Eddie offers as explanation; “cocky bastard.”

And they collaborate on all the writing, music and lyrics, they’re not even the slightest bit competitive about it which would be hard to believe if all you saw of the members of Corroded Coffin were their goddamn shenanigans during a campaign; but the one think in their music that they docompete over?

Whose title-idea gets the opener on a given album. And Gareth did end up scooping them all when the execs came back with a shuffle. Steve had watched it unfold in real time; he doesn’t think he’s ever heard a grown man crow like Gareth had, and he is married to Edward fucking Munson.

So that’s saying something.

“Eds,” Steve tries to prod a little at the point of it all though, because Eddie’s got press, and this is a high school, and probably Eddie could get to the studio in time to catch the end of whatever, it’s prerecorded, he knows that much, they could squeeze a live interview in so they could probably do Eddie at the end and just shuffle it around, right, it’s easy, and that’s so much more important than this because this:

“Eds, it’s just a—“

“It’s the spring musical, baby,” Eddie says like he’s announcing the arrival of the president, of the Queen of England, then his eyes soften a little as he flicks at one of the real mattresses that will, presumably, be props for the actors if the show’s title isn’t a fucking lie: “you know that’s where my DM throne had its humble origins, before I elevated it to greatness?”

Steve did know that, not least because they’d smuggled Eddie in to DM a few special sessions before the gremlins graduated, and he’d taken his seat with regal aplomb every time, and Steve had learned that yeah, they used the random storage room that was mostly drama shit for Hellfire.

And the way he’d learned that was by sucking Eddie off hidden by some very ratty but very conveniently poofy ballgowns from a production of Cinderella.

“I missed you.”

Steve turns to him and blinks; Eddie’s eyes are on the mattress, his stance almost a little shy.

“You saw me this morning,” Steve doesn’t ask, exactly, but he…he’s not sure he’s following, is the thing.

“I was,” Eddie sighs, and flops to sit down on the mattress which, thankfully, is a mattress and gives a little, bounces under him.

“I was just feeling, I dunno,” he gives a shrug that fades into something like a shiver, and then Eddie’s arms come around too hug around his middle as he ducks his chin and, oh no.

None of that.

“I thought about you being, you know, you,” and Eddie gets to gesture at the mess of the stage only halfway before Steve’s catching his hand, lacing their fingers and pulling Eddie back up to standing, then back into Steve’s arms here he leans heavy, sighs deeper this time; relief instead of something shallow.

“Just you doing all this when you don’t even have a horse in the race, y’know?” Eddie muffles into the side of Steve’s neck, burrowed in tight. “And I was supposed to be in the zone about press and shit, and it just,” he shakes his head, which is more like the brush of his lips back and forth against Steve’s skin; “it wasn’t clicking at all, like I posed and did the looks and whatever,” and oh, Steve knows the looks, Steve has about half those looks printed out and framed in various parts of their home or tucked safe inside his wallet, whereas the other half he takes great joy in recreating at random to the chagrin of his darling husband, love of his whole goddamn life.

“Then Jeff asked if I wanted to duck out,” and Eddie smiles up at him, a little sheepish; they both know the boys can see right through Eddie feeling needy, or lovelorn; Steve’s grateful as shit for Eddie’s bandmates, their friends, for knowing when Eddie just needs Steve.

“I didn’t even think twice, just,” Eddie swallows hard, a little, peeking up through lashes and bangs as he exhales:

“Just wanted to see you before the middle of the fucking night.”

And what can Steve do in the face of that, really? He can’t argue it. Wouldn’t ever fucking want to.

“I love you,” he frames Eddie’s face and kiss the bridge of his nose, then soft between his brows as he breathes out with his whole heart: “so goddamn much.”

“Can you promise me you won’t do the,” Eddie tips his head behind them; “the ladder thing, at least not by yourself?” And Eddie’s eyes are so, so big again. “Like, pretty please, don’t do that again?”

“I won’t,” Steve swears it, and kisses him firm to seal the promise: “thanks for coming to the rescue.” Because there was a three percent chance Steve was going to wipe the fuck out from very very high, and he’s have survived it, but he’s not twenty anymore, and it would have fucking sucked, probably for a while.

“Always, baby,” Eddie murmurs, still tight against Steve lips before he straightens a little, and this time he’s framing Steve’s face, but more holding him still in place, emphatic:

“Actually, amendment,” he says seriously, eyes darting between Steve’s a tiny-touch frantic: “next time you need to be on a ladder, you call me first,” he damn-well declares it, rather than asks; “so I can hold it steady.”

“My hero,” Steve breathes against him with a smile, and there’s not even a hint of teasing in it.

“I don’t trust any other hands to catch you, baby,” Eddie tells him, a little too raw; full sincerity bleeding from him all the sudden as he caresses down the cheeks he’s still cupping: “no one else in the whole wide world appreciates what you’re worth.”

“And what’s that, exactly,” Steve scoffs a little, playful where he’s held in Eddie’s arms but Eddie: Eddie’s holding him tight, now, and his heartbeat’s heavy where he’s moving to crush Steve to his chest, and there’s a little wavering pitch of something in his voice when he whispers:

“The whole wide world,” and oh.

That’s the answer.

It’s Steve’s answer, too, to the same exact question, but hearing it said so plain never stops feeling like the ending and remaking of the whole wide world, every time.

So yeah, Steve has to take a minute to swallow through the tightness in his throat, and maybe he does that with his forehead bowed against his husbands so they breathe each other in as a rule just in the course of living in the moment, together—and when the straighten up Steve steals a kiss first, quick but hard, with feeling, before he cracks his neck and sighs, taking in the scene that’s settled around them.

“Help me try and figure this out to hang?” Steve kicks at the tarp-tapestry, and Eddie walks its perimeter critically before frowning up at Steve.

“Think it needs some touch ups,” he pronounces solemnly, and fuck, yeah, all the color-dust from the useless staple-holes and the falling. But his husband’s actually really good with details, and matching colors, and using a brush, and fantasy settings—

“Paint’s in the back,” he says with a lilt of suggestion and Eddie lights up and grabs Steve’s hand to drag him toward the promise of painting, like maybe all he needed really was just…this.

tag list (comment to be added): @pearynice��@hbyrde36 @slashify @finntheehumaneater @wxrmland @dreamwatch @perseus-notjackson

♥️

divider credit here

[serialadoptersbracket]

Quarterfinals, Match 4: Jawbone O’Shaughnessey vs. Whitebeard

Submitted kids:

Jawbone O’Shaughnessey: Tracker O'Shaughnessey, Adaine Abernant, Fig Faeth, Kristen Applebees

Whitebeard: Marco, Portgas D. Ace, Thatch, Izou, Haruta, Deuce, Jozu, Vista, and a bunch more I can’t think of rn

Propaganda under the cut!

Jawbone O’Shaughnessey:

1. “A lot of the main characters of this story have shit parents, and Jawbone, formerly a drug dealer and bouncer turned high school counselor happily opened his home to all of them.”

2. “He's a former druggie that the intrepid heroes met at a club during an investigation. Instead of fighting him, they offered him a job as guidance counselor at their school. He took the job and, after a bit, began dating fig's mom. Kristen was dating his niece, who lived with him at the time. During the final battle with Kalvaxus, he helped Adaine work through a panic attack and gave her anxiety meds. Those meds have a mechanical advantage too, as she would roll for panic attacks. As mentioned in the notes for this post, he makes a pretty incredible speech. Anyways, Adaine's parents abandon her soon after and jawbone offers her a place to stay, along with Kristen (who moved in with tracker), Fig (who moved in with her mom), and the Barkrocks (who they're sharing the house with). Zayn Darkshadow also lives in the cemetery at Mordred Manor, and they took in Aelwyn before she got herself an apartment. So he does a lot.”

3. “Jawbone O'Shaunessy is the single best parental figure in those kids lives.

They rescued him from a bad spot, and time and time again he proved that he was willing to be the stable figure when nobody else was there for them.

Adaine, his officially adopted daughter, has panic attacks throughout the whole first season. During the big final battle, when she's inflicted with the and "fear" condition, causing a panic attack, he arrives just in time to help save her from running away fully. When Adaine's parents abandoned her and never gave her treatment for her condition, he's the one who really sees her. He says his famous line "You are not a coward- you have a goddamn medical condition, okay?" He's the first person to give her meds to help, and she's able to get back in the fight because of him. (If somebody else has the whole clip please reblog with it, it definately needs to be part of the propoganda).

He also says "You're easy to love, and anybody who couldn't figure it out is a real bozo." to Adaine in a different conversation”

Whitebeard:

1. “His biggest dream in life is to have a family of his own, but how to go about that? Settle down with a wife and have lots of kids? Boring. No, the best way to go about it is to become a pirate, find the most outcasted and lost people you can, and make them your crewmates/sons”

Link to the rest here!

[patheticgirlsteve]

thinking about an AU where Eddie is an author of this insanely good speculative fiction series and when it starts getting popular his publisher makes him do a book tour across the country.

It’s not too bad, really. It’s nice to meet his fans, the loyal readers he’s somehow managed to garner with his silly little stories. It’s just kind of exhausting, especially when he doesn’t really get a break from it.

About halfway through the tour he’s back in his hometown making a special appearance at his old high school to talk to the current students, not just about his books but a full Q&A.

He’s nervous to go back there, he didn’t exactly have a great high school experience, but he doesn’t really have a choice and, who knows? Maybe he’ll manage to inspire some kid to embrace their own creativity or whatever. So he goes.

He’s informed ahead of time that when he arrives at the school he’ll be met by the staff member who has organized this event and who will be running the talk-back. He was told that it was one of the guidance counselors named Stave, and Eddie’s expecting Steve to be some boring old guy.

He is extremely wrong.

The Steve that greets Eddie in the administration office is hot.

He’s young, probably close to Eddie’s age, and wearing the tightest fitting polo shirt Eddie’s ever seen. He greets Eddie with a genuine smile and Eddie feels inexplicably shy when Steve meets his eyes. They shake hands and Eddie thinks he manages to act very normal about it. Steve thanks him for coming, telling him how excited his students have been about this, and leads Eddie to the school library to help him get set up.

They chat while they walk and once they get into the library. Steve gets interrupted multiple times in the short trek between the office and the library students who want to talk to him or just say hi. It’s clear how much these kids love Steve and how much he loves them back and it makes Eddie smile.

As they’re setting up, Steve tells Eddie how much enjoys Eddie’s books and Eddie is surprised.

“You read my books?” He asks.

“Yeah,” Steve says, throwing Eddie a confused smile. “Why would I invite an author that I don’t like to come talk to my kids? They’re great books, man.”

“I just figured I got invited to speak because I’m from here,” Eddie shrugs.

“That was part of it,” Steve nods. “But I know the kids love your books and would love to get to talk to their favorite author. And maybe I wanted to talk to you too.”

Eddie fights the urge to hide his face behind his hair as he fees himself start to blush. He can’t remember the last time he reacted like this to a man flirting openly with him. He smiled shyly at Steve.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you,” He says and feels stupidly giddy. “Maybe you and I could have a talk-back after the talk-back? Since you’re such a big fan of the books?”

Steve’s eyes light up and he nods. “That would be nice,” He says, and Eddie doesn’t miss the light blush on Steve’s cheeks.

[firstelevens]

song 25 + sambucky if you're still taking spotify wrapped prompts ☺️

25. Accidentally In Love by Counting Crows

When Sam’s phone goes off, he’s half asleep on his couch, buried under a small mountain of blankets and too congested to even really hear it that well. He only notices because it’s face-up on the coffee table and the screen catches his eye when it lights up.

He extends a hand out from his blanket nest and picks up the phone, wincing at the bright light of the display. 

It takes a second of squinting at the screen, but he finally manages to see that the notification is a text from Foggy: ‘any tips on how to handle your honors lit class? no subs available this morning so Hill has me covering’

‘Try not to show any weakness. They smell fear,’ Sam texts back. Then he adds, ‘There’s a Princess Bride DVD in the cupboard, you can get a key from Bucky.’

Foggy’s reply is predictably annoying: ‘does loverboy still think that you and me are dating? do I need to worry about him sabotaging my teaching in a fit of jealousy?’

Sam glares at the screen of his phone but it doesn’t do much, given that Foggy can’t see him. ‘Just for that you I’m not telling you where I put the Luhrmann Romeo + Juliet. You’ll just have to teach the ninth graders about iambic meter yourself next period.’

Foggy doesn’t get back to him for a while, which isn’t all that surprising. The beginning of the school day is hectic enough for a guidance counselor without having to unexpectedly cover another teacher’s class.

He stumbles to the kitchen to make himself tea, a blanket around his shoulders and his phone in his hand, but Foggy doesn’t reply for another twenty minutes. Sam’s head hurts too much for him to remember how neat the supply cupboard was, but he’s hoping it’s not so bad that Foggy’s just elbows deep in useless stuff.

After giving it another few minutes while he takes his next dose of cold medicine, he sends a text to check whether Foggy found what he was looking for.

The reply is immediate: ‘didn’t end up needing the dvd! I asked Bucky for the key and when he heard you were sick he said he’d handle it.’

‘Doesn’t he teach first period journalism?’

‘You’re sick so I won’t make fun of you for memorizing his schedule,’ Foggy writes, magnanimous as ever. Then: ‘there’s like five journalism students so he said he’d just combine them. said he could take your kids for the rest of the day too.’

Sam feels his jaw drop. Covering just one class is more than enough, but the entire day? When Bucky has almost a full slate of classes to teach, too? His face is suddenly all warm, and he’s at least fifty percent sure it’s not the fever.

His head is getting heavy again, and the screen is starting to hurt his eyes, but he manages to get a text out thanking Bucky for covering for him and assuring him that he can just put on movies for every single class.

He doesn’t have to wait long at all for the reply. ‘You’re welcome, Wilson. Now get some rest and stop worrying about your classes; they’ll be fine.’

Yawning widely, Sam types out a quick reply and takes Bucky’s advice, pulling the covers over his head and quickly falling back asleep.

Not having to field questions for subs or keep an eye on his email for questions from concerned students means that Sam isn’t repeatedly getting up when he’s supposed to be resting, and when he emerges from his blanket cocoon that afternoon, he can stand without getting dizzy for the first time in two days.

He celebrates by dragging himself into the shower, where the steam and the decongestant make it so that he regains his sense of smell, however briefly, and he feels more like a person than he has since Friday.

There’s probably an argument to be made for going back to bed, but Sam has never been great at being still, so he throws in a load of laundry and cleans up a bit while he’s on his feet. He’s about to make dinner, too, but then Sarah gives him a talking-to and makes him promise to order food instead, and Sam understands that she will instinctively know if he crosses her.

Sam already has the app open, scrolling through his options when his doorbell rings. For a second, he thinks that Sarah figured she couldn’t trust him to follow through and just ordered the food herself. Normally, he wouldn’t put it past her, but she’s getting the boat ready for a charter tomorrow, so he can’t imagine that she had the time or the cell service.

A peek through the curtains answers the question, though: there’s a familiar sedan parked in Sam’s driveway, a peeling Rutgers decal on the rear windshield.

“If you’re bringing me work to grade, I’m going to sneeze on you,” he declares, as he opens his front door to find Bucky waiting outside.

“I’m not a monster,” says Bucky, looking mildly offended at the thought. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” says Sam. “I can probably be back in tomorrow.”

Bucky narrows his eyes. “Or you could take a second sick day and actually get better instead of running yourself down again.”

“We’re supposed to be working on that stupid archival project tomorrow,” says Sam. “If I get another sanctimonious email from John about prioritizing my tasks, I’m gonna have an operatic meltdown in the middle of his classroom.”

“Entertaining as that would be, there’s probably another way,” Bucky says. “I’ll handle Walker for now. You just worry about getting better.”

Sam could probably push back if he really wanted to, but he can’t bring himself to be mad about Bucky looking out for him. “Okay,” he says, and Bucky’s eyebrows go up in surprise.

“Really? It’s that easy?”

“I blame the cold medicine,” says Sam. “I’ll be a pain in the ass again on Wednesday, I promise.”

Bucky smiles. “I look forward to it.”

“Well,” says Sam, after they’ve both been silent for a moment. “Thanks for coming to check on me; I really–”

“Wait!” says Bucky, and Sam stops in his tracks, eyebrows raised in question. “I didn’t just come to ask how you were doing. I, um– I wanted to bring you this, too.”

He holds out what Sam now realizes is a bag from the Thai place near the school.

“I would’ve made you soup myself, but I had to stay late with the yearbook kids, and my Ma would kill me if I half-assed her chicken soup recipe, but I know you like this place, so…”

Sam looks from Bucky to the bag of food and back, his eyes wide. “Thank you,” he says, and he can feel how soft his voice has gone around the edges. He probably should make some kind of joke to restore the natural order of things, but he can’t bring himself to do it. “You didn’t have to, Bucky, seriously.”

“I know,” he says, with a little shrug. “I wanted to.”

“Oh,” is all that Sam can manage to get out. “Okay.”

“It’s cold,” says Bucky, once Sam takes the bag of food out of his hands. “I should let you get back inside.”

He starts down the steps and Sam only belatedly remembers to call out, “I’ll see you on Wednesday!”

“See you then,” says Bucky, turning to face Sam and taking the last few steps to his car backwards. “Oh, and thanks for calling me cute!”

Sam feels his eyebrows lift in surprise. He wracks his brain to go over the last five minutes of conversation, but he comes up empty. “Wait, what?”

But all that Bucky does is hold up his cell phone before opening the door to his car. “Night, Sam!”

Suddenly, Sam remembers sending a text earlier today, clouded by the haze of exhaustion and cold medicine. His eyes go wide.

He didn’t, did he?

It’s only Sam’s dignity that keeps him from sprinting for his phone, staying in the doorway until Bucky’s car pulls away.

The second his headlights disappear, Sam throws the door shut and hurries to where his phone is charging on the kitchen counter. It takes two tries for him to unlock it with his face, and then he’s swiping over to his texts, opening up his conversation with Bucky and reading back the last few messages.

His eyes go wide as he reads his own words back.

‘It’s so cute that you use semicolons in your texts,’ he’d said to Bucky. ‘You know I’m not grading these for punctuation right?’

‘Maybe I just want to impress you,’ Bucky had replied.

And then, because that wasn’t enough, apparently Sam had replied, ‘Maybe you already do.’

He’s pretty sure that he’s never recovering from this, but just to make sure he learns his lesson, he texts a screenshot to Foggy with the message, ‘COLD MEDICINE SAM CANNOT BE TRUSTED!!!’

Foggy just sends him back a bunch of cry laughing emojis in response.

[chenanigans]

I love how none of my dnd characters are consistent. We got:

Rawhide Kobayashi

Albino Red Grung

Gloomstalker Ranger

A himbit (himbo and Timbit)

He raises cattle that are giant woolly aphids and beetles

He’s a little frog cowboy who went to the tundra to save his papa

An absolute cinnamon roll, but could actually kill you

Maridia Fusilli

Rosy Maple Mothfolk

Aberrant Mind Sorcerer

Feral teen who loves maple syrup

She’s a moth sorcerer who’s hellbent on getting revenge on the demons who burnt down her tree, disabling various members of her family

She’s going to magical girl school

Looks like a cinnamon roll, wishes to bathe in the blood of her enemies

Dalrymple “Dal” Iniqine Cyr

Tiefling Werewolf (aka Shifter)

Samurai Fighter

Himbo energy but a lesbian

Loves women and is very lonely

Bffs with Rawhide

Looks like she can kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll

Dr. Maiken Cyraeni Grebella

Blue-Ringed Octopus Simic Hybrid

<Armorer> Artificer

Grumpy scientist who’s good at biology and technology

She cares more about inventing than adventuring

Looks like she can kill you, will definitely try to but probably can’t

Mercy Mousse

Myconid

Spores Druid, <Glamour Bard>

Left her home to become a pop star

Is always cheerfully singing and dancing

Her music and back-up dancers are a bit macabre

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll

Razmi McDazzl

Changeling

Eloquence Bard

Is apparently a good accountant

She loves money and will do anything for it

She is very charming so it’s hard to see through her lies

Looks like she can kill you, probably won’t but will trick ya

Delphinium “Delphi” Speedwell

Blue-Green Grung

Chronurgy Wizard

Biggest and fattest grung from her town

She’s a gentle “giant“ among her fellow grungs, but won’t hesitate to beat your ass if you threaten her tribe

She went from student to headmaster of her school very quickly and she’s very sad about it

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but also can kill you

Sorro Levki

Black Tabaxi

Fathomless Warlock

Drowned and came back because of his new patron

Doesn't like to fight but has to fight and make offerings to his patron

Misses going to sea, but is thought to be bad luck/a bad omen due to being the sole survivor of his shipwreck

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll

Nithi Blightkiller Kalukukané

Orange Grung

Gloomstalker Ranger, Scout Rogue

Absolute grouch

Doesn’t want to be bothered and just wants to steal and murder in peace

She only targets shitty folk

Looks like she can kill you, can kill you

Cherome “Cherry” Sedum

Cape Rain Frog Aasimar

Wild Magic Sorcerer

A very small and sad girl

She grew up in an abusive cult, but now is with a loving party she considers her family as well as her frog family too now

She’s getting stronger and radicalized to destroy parliament

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Celesse Moonstone

Star (aka Fire Genasi)

<Stars> Druid

Came to [insert planet here] because she loved humanity, especially their art

Is a literal ray of sunshine

Looks like a cinnamon roll and is a cinnamon roll

Cheer Sympathy Gritish

Tiefling

Order Cleric, Champion Fighter

Harmacist

She works at Delphi’s school as a guidance counselor and a combat healing teacher

Extremely loud

Looks like she can kill you and can kill you

Dangeline “Danny/Dan“ Wolfsbane

Horned Toad (Zariel Tiefling)

Wild Magic Barbarian

She looks scary and intimidating but she has a big weakness for smaller frogfolk and kids

She cares a lot about getting people out of bad situations

Looks like she can kill you, can kill you, but is also a bit of a cinnamon roll

Lulamin Helianthus

Honeybee Fairy (aka Fairy)

Crown Paladin

Bee who always ends up in a situation

Rode a train and had an awful time, performed in a play and had an OK time, literally trying to get home

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Rulaberri Humwallon Dianthus

Carpenter Bee Fairy (aka Fairy)

Devotion Paladin/Wild Paladin (Homebrew)

Sweetie bee who is 99% of the time unaware of who gods are

Got a cushy seat in Oberon’s court as the God of Flowers

Became queen bee under sad circumstances

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Mimi the Mimic

Mimic (aka Plasmoid)

Beast Barbarian

Will eat people and animals alike and sees no issue with that

No moral code, sadistic, no empathy

Can be swayed easily with food

Looks like she can kill you, will kill you and then eatcha

Wislande Ritha Fanfan

Entler (aka a homebrew race)

Eldritch Knight Fighter

Pure of heart, dumb of ass

She likes art

She’s from Canada, traveling the USA for art inspiration reasons

Absolutely does not know anything about America and how to traverse it

Looks like a she can kill you, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Bonnycastle Funfetti

Ex-wedding cake (aka Plasmoid)

Dreams Druid

A literal and figurative sweetie

Became a Dreams Druid to help other’s dreams come true

Looks like a cinnamon roll (cake), is a cinnamon roll (cake)

Wruth Carol Firhug-Hollyleaf

Christmas Elf (aka Rock Gnome)

Swarmkeeper Ranger

An elf who would rather disappear into the woods than work in a toyshop

Eventually became a forest ranger instead of a toymaker

They miss their birth parents dearly, but love their adoptive family a lot too

Looks like a cinnamon roll, is a cinnamon roll, but can also kill you

Claudette “Claude“ Sanon

Ghost Ant (aka Thri-kreen)

Assassin Rogue

Likes sugary/fruity drinks, being a flapper, and being a very good assassin

She ditched her anthill for a more self-indulgent, less community-focused lifestyle

Looks like he can kill you, can kill you

Is the only character of mine to die and is now piloted by my DM as a totally normal not remade by a space lich guy

Merino Mittenmere

Tortoiseshell Tabaxi

Artillerist Artificer

She a granny and loves her kittens and grandkittens

Has committed war crimes

Looks like a cinnamon roll, can also kill you

Manon Pastelle

Fierna Tiefling

Life Cleric

She sounds and looks all doom and gloom but says the nicest, most positive shit

A pastel goth

She is a doctor who cares deeply for her patients

Looks like she can kill you, is a cinnamon roll

[romancingromanoff]

A Little Bit of Guidance (Alcina Dimitrescu x femme!reader) pt. 2

Part 1

A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you, all for all of the positive support and feedback on my first chapter! I'm really glad that so many of you are enjoying the MC and Maia and their Asian identities.

CW: homophobia, suggested homophobic language

You were certain that the two of you were going to crash.

“Holy shit!”

“Please, please calm down.”

“Alcina Dimitrescu asked you out on a date and you said WHAT?!?!”

“Maia, it’s not a date. At least… I don’t think it is? I don’t know, you’re the one that said she’s not serious about dating and I’m not sure I could handle something so quick and casual. I’m not looking to intentionally hurt myself.”

“So you do like her?”

The light turns yellow and you come to a stop at an intersection where you take the opportunity to close your eyes for five seconds, your lips pressing against each other like you’re trying to get rid of a headache.

“Does it really matter? She probably just feels bad for everything that happened.”

“Ughhhh, you’re impossible,” your friend groans and lightly bangs her head on the back of the passenger seat headrest. A minute or two later she stirs with a wide look in her eyes. “What would you say if one of your students came to you asking about the same situation?”

You can’t help but laugh. “What would I do if a 13 year old kid told me a fully grown adult woman offered to take them to dinner? Probably call a child predator hotline and report it to the authorities.”

“That’s not what I meant! Fine, what if they said that another student they were interested in asked them to Chuck E. Cheese or something-”

“I am 95% sure that kids today aren’t hanging out at Chuck E. Cheese.”

“I said ‘or something’ didn’t I? Just say they got asked to see a movie with someone but thought it was only because the other person felt bad for them. What do you tell them?”

You release a sigh. She definitely had you there and you both knew it too. “I’d remind them of how awesome they are and how much they deserve to be happy. And if they kept pushing back I’d say even if the other person was really just doing it out of pity then it only reflects on how poor their own character is. It would also be unfortunate on their part for being unable to recognize how great you are and anyone else would be lucky to spend that time with you.”

Maia wears a familiar devilish grin on her face but doesn’t press you much harder. “Just think about extending the same compassion to yourself. And don’t keep her waiting too long. But wow, who knew my best friend could be such a tease?”

“That’s enough,” you can’t help but smile though as she teases you. From the corner of your eye you can also see that she’s beginning to drift off and let sleep take over. “But thank you, Maia. I appreciate it.”

-~-

At your new job time flies by without giving you a second to catch your breath. Being a guidance counselor wasn’t exactly new to you but the type of school you were working at now certainly was. You had only worked in the public school system beforehand and knew that there were bound to be at least a few differences at the private preparatory school you were starting at, but nothing could have prepared you for the change. Dealing with high schoolers hadn’t been smooth sailing by any means but it had given you a purpose you took a lot of pride in. Some of the students that you’d worked with had been ready to drop out for a variety of different reasons but were able to push through with a bit of help, graduate, and continue to carry on very positive lives. You had mediated all types of conflicts from petty disagreements to much more serious physical fights and could immediately recognize when something was escalating way too quickly. Something most people didn’t know was that as violent boys could get in their fights it was actually the girls that scared you the most. They seemed to operate on an entirely different plane where no rules applied and no mercy was shown. So far for you, private school antics might have been a bit more tame in some ways but the stress levels you were dealing with now seemed to have no limits.

At least a dozen times before noon you’d get calls from parents wanting to dictate the most minute details of their children’s lives. These weren’t the typical over-involved parents either, they were tiger moms and dads, helicopter parents, lawnmower parents, BULLDOZER PARENTS, and even worse.

“My son needs to be in both Arabic and Chinese! It’s important that he’s quadrilingual by the time he’s applying for colleges.”

“Taylor’s private history tutor already covered half of what’s on this semester’s syllabus. I believe she should be exempt from that period to pursue her independent study and receive an automatic A.”

“Here’s my email address and I expect weekly updates on my daughter every Friday before 5pm. That means if she visits your office to discuss anything at all I need to hear about it in extreme detail.”

“They keep putting my son in group projects which is 100% unacceptable! For the amount of money I pay for him to attend this school he shouldn’t be working with the other kids. He has way too much potential and I don’t want him to be influenced by those of a lower intelligence.”

Many of the requests you got were so ludicrous that it made you want to pull your hair out. Luckily, today was surprisingly better in terms of your workload and you’d been able to respond to your many emails and calls a good hour before school let out. A quick glance at your calendar and suddenly you made a realization that practically slapped you in the face. It had been nearly two weeks since the incident at Dimitrescu. Two weeks since Lady Dimitrescu herself had asked you to dinner and you’d given the most pathetic excuse of a response possible and felt like an idiot ever since.

There were still so many things that worried you about saying ‘yes’ and taking a chance on a woman that was way out of your league but yet you couldn’t find it in yourself to say ‘no’ either. You wanted to have hope.

“How many people do you think she’s asked out to dinner before? Because I’ve never heard of it,” Maia had asked you the night before as you two were lounging on your couch watching the end credits of a movie roll by.

“That doesn’t mean this dinner is going to lead to anything else. Sometimes dinner is just that. Dinner.”

“And a hook up,” your friend cheekily suggests with a grin.

“I’m not sleeping with her, Maia. Even if by some chance she wanted to, I’m not ready. Not after everything that happened last time.”

“And I don’t blame you at all. She was a real shitty person with an even shittier sense of humor. I don’t think she ever laughed at a single one of my jokes, which I must say is a huge red flag for me as your best friend. But Lady Dimitrescu is definitely not your sleazy ex-girlfriend.”

You shoved your face into a nearby pillow and let out a groan. “The thing is I know that! I know they’re not the same but I’m terrified that she’ll have one idea of what she wants to happen and then mine will be totally different.”

“So then get on the same page!” Maia irritatingly throws a handful of popcorn at you as soon as you start to re-emerge from your pillow so you rush to pick it back up and defend yourself. “Your whole thing is stressing healthy communication so that misunderstandings don’t happen but you’re too afraid to talk to this woman who is clearly interested in you? Just explain that you have a complicated dating history and wanna take things slow. If she can’t agree to those terms then she’s just not the one. We’ll cry about it over some dairy-free ice cream, leave a couple of bad reviews on her website, and get through it together.”

Even if you weren’t yet 100% ready to say yes, you knew that discussing your expectations and wishes with Lady Dimitrescu could at least help you make a more informed decision. Wanting to be brave, you then decided that you were going to call her as soon as you got off work to talk about what “dinner” was exactly and what it meant to the both of you. You reached for your bag and began to look.

Holy shit.

There was no way this was happening.

“No, no, please, no,” you plead under your breath and begin to dump everything out from your wallet, desperate to find the business card with her personal number written on the back. Credit cards, your school I.D., driver’s license, other random things, and exactly four loyalty cards for the same coffee shop with only one or two stamps on each fall out. But what you’re looking for isn’t there and it looks like it never existed in the first place.

A knock on your door makes you jump up from your seat. After scrambling to put everything back in its place you reach for the handle and open it swiftly. Standing in front of you is the principal of the school who is clearly unhappy with the student she has with her. She appears to be on the younger side with her red hair lightly tossed.

“This is Daniela from the sixth grade,” the principal explains and you immediately give the student an encouraging smile although she’s visibly in distress. You wonder what could have made her so upset but assume you’re about to find out. “She slapped one of her classmates but this was her first offense so we’ve already given her three days of in-school suspension. We were hoping you could talk her down.”

“Of course, please, come in,” you gesture for the young girl to take a seat in the chair across from your desk and watch her carefully as she settles in. While you expected her to be angry, you can tell that she’s deeply hurt underneath her surface which raises a lot of concern. The approach you take has to be very careful and come from some area of understanding. “You don’t look like the type that slaps people for no reason, so can I ask what this other person did that made you so upset?”

Daniela wipes at the corner of her eyes and doesn’t look at you at first but she speaks. “The teacher was out of the classroom so I was talking to my girlfriend Hannah. She sits behind me so I was kinda turned around and we were holding hands. That’s when Darren started pointing at us calling us ‘ugly lesbians’ and then another word that I… I’ve heard it once before but I was told never to say it.” She’s so quiet you decidedly get up and maneuver yourself from behind your desk to kneel in front of her so that you’re just about at eye-level. Her arms are still crossed in her lap and she’s solely focused on the floor. The fact that she’s trying to hide her tears breaks your heart and while you wish you could reach out to her you’re not sure if she’d be comfortable with that yet.

“Did this word start with the letter D?” You try to ask her carefully and Daniela looks up at you and slowly nods. Something drops in your throat but you remember that this is about calming her down, not getting angry. You’ll have to deal with that later.

“Then he said of course I’m one of those because my mom is too. Hannah was squeezing my hand so hard but I was just so angry at him. He was just laughing at us and I wanted him to stop. So with my other hand I got up and slapped him.” There was no possible way that you could let this student know you were secretly rooting for them. Looking back on your grade school memories, you would’ve given anything to serve those racists and homophobes who had called you every slur in the book a piece of your mind. The pain of your past still stung immensely, but nothing you had experienced came close to being told that your sexuality was something determined by your parents. Whoever this Darren was, you hoped that his slap had stung more than just a little bit.

“I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, Daniela. He never should have said any of that. It was beyond homophobic and offensive and I can understand why you felt so outraged hearing it.”

Almost instantly, her mood changes and she unleashes a cry of fury. “But he didn’t even get in trouble! He lied to our teacher and nobody except me and Hannah said anything else!”

Okay, excuse me WHAT?!

“What do you mean he didn’t get in trouble?” Despite keeping your voice composed, on the inside you’re simply infuriated.

“He didn’t get into trouble. Not with our teacher, not with our principal. He never does because he gets away with everything!”

“Well, I can assure you that I’ll discuss this with both of them personally afterwards.” The idea of this kid getting off the hook after saying something so homophobic was not going to slide by you.

“It doesn’t matter,” Daniela’s reddened face is completely covered in tears now from her full on sobbing. “His dad is like the number one donor to this school. Even if you told them everything it wouldn’t make a difference.”

So these were the politics you were dealing with at this school. The realization almost makes you physically grimace and you suddenly feel powerless in your new position. Knowing that there’s practically nothing you can do to protect Daniela and other students from trust fund kids like Darren is quite literally sickening. One thing that stops you from marching straight out of your office is the pain in Daniela’s voice as she speaks almost incoherently. “Please, you have to understand,” you hear between sniffles and automatically catch her in your arms as her limp body falls forward. “I know I shouldn’t have slapped him *sniff* but it’s not fair!”

“Shhh,” you gently rub circles on her back in an attempt to comfort her as she continues to shake. “You’re absolutely right, Daniela, but I promise you I’ll figure this out. He’ll be facing the consequences.” You continue to gently rock her in your arms for the next few minutes as she gradually begins to come down from her emotional high. When she’s able to speak in uninterrupted sentences again she tries to apologize but you abruptly dismiss her.

“There’s no need to apologize to me, Daniela,” you assure her while offering up a tissue that she gladly takes. “I’m here to help you process your emotions in a healthy way. I know that can be really scary doing it with someone you’ve just met but I’m glad that you trusted me enough to open up and tell me what happened. Just know that I have your back. People like us have to stick together.”

Her eyes widen when she connects the dots and you simply give her a smile of confirmation. “Does it ever get easier to deal with?” Daniela seems so nervous about asking you her question and you immediately share her sense of hesitancy. The last thing you want to do is lie to her but you also feel the need to give her some hope.

“Can I tell you something that I wish I knew at your age?” Daniela silently nods, curious to know what it is you’re going to say. “Being queer is so beautiful and you should always embrace your true self. There was a long time that I was afraid to do just that because of what people like Darren kept telling me, so I forced myself to live a lie. It’s something that I deeply regret. Those types of people want you to be miserable. It’s not that you’re not allowed to be hurt or upset when stuff like this happens but the best way to get back up is by refusing to give them what they want. Joy and happiness are some of the greatest forms of resistance that we have and I encourage you to fight back with your own.’

Just as she’s about to say something else a loud noise announces the presence of another person entering.

“Daniela, I had to leave in the middle of a meeting for this, now could you-” Your office is all but torn open and for the second time in less than two weeks you’re caught in the presence of the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen. Only this time she’s just as surprised as you and she’s left clueless at how this situation could have possibly unfolded.

“Hi,” you manage to get out somehow without puking all over the floor. “You must be Daniela’s mother. I’m the new school guidance counselor. We were just discussing how the boy she slapped initially harassed her with homophobic insults and called her a slur. That’s why she was so distressed.”

“It’s you,” she stares you down with the intensity of something you can’t quite pinpoint but then quickly blinks and tries to compose herself. “Forgive me I… I didn’t realize you worked here.”

“Oh my God, you two know each other?” Daniela looks back and forth between the two of you and her face goes completely sour. “Mother, please don’t tell me it’s because you slept with her for fun and then never called her back.”

What was HAPPENING!?

“DANIELA! Please go wait in the car and I’ll be there shortly,” the lady is the reddest you’ve ever seen anyone before but you’re way too stunned to speak.

“Yes mother,” the girl says in disappointment and quickly walks heads for the door. She turns and offers you a half smile while mouthing ‘thank you’ right before closing the door. Once again, it just leaves the two of you...

“Lady Dimitrescu, I-”

“I must apologize-”

You each end up stumbling over your words which creates an even bigger mess that you both end up nervously laughing at. “Would you like to sit down?” Shy as ever you motion to where Daniela was just sitting and try to find your way back to your spot without tripping. The weight of her eyes trailing your body certainly does not go unnoticed and you’re relieved that she can’t see you fiddling with your hands behind your desk. Once you’re both settled in she speaks.

“I’m sorry for Daniela’s behaviour today. The principal already informed me about the situation in class but I can’t begin to explain what’s gotten into her.”

“No, I think I understand. Daniela seems like a really good kid but she was just caught up in a tough situation. It’s my job to deal with these types of conflicts but only after understanding both sides of the story.”

“So the Pearson boy goaded her then?”

“Oh, you mean Darren? Yeah he said some really cruel things from my understanding. Daniela was so heartbroken recounting the whole event. It made me pissed to hear he got away with it too. I don’t know him personally but I’m honestly dreading having to meet him or his father.” The laugh Lady Dimitrescu releases when she sees how you scrunch up your face in a very cute frustration takes you by surprise. You really shouldn’t have said that. “Please don’t tell anyone I said that!”

“Not to worry, my dear, though I’d say your intuition is correct. Lawrence Pearson is the definition of an insipid man thing but unfortunately he has the entire city at the mercy of his bank account,” she practically spits in disgust and now it’s your turn to laugh at how strangely adorable she looks.

“I’m sorry I… I’m just really glad I got to see you. Not that I’m glad about what transpired with Daniela and her classmate but the timing just seems so coincidental. Right before she came in I was searching for your card but somehow I’ve lost it like the clumsy person I am.”

The chuckle she lets out takes you by surprise. You’re not sure how you expected her to react to that but the pure look of amusement in her eyes is simply confusing.“I think I might have an idea of where that card ended up, my dear.”

“Really?”

“Yes, this morning I actually received a call from your friend Maia and she had quite a lot to say on your behalf.”

“Oh,” your heart nearly stops to flip upside down in your chest. Of course it was Maia! She must’ve grabbed it from your bag last night when you weren’t looking and holy crap you were seriously going to kill her.

“Please, you have nothing to worry about. It was a very endearing gesture on her behalf. She simply pointed out that my offer for dinner was causing you a bit of anxiety because I hadn’t been completely clear with my words. That’s an error on my account. And I know I certainly have a reputation that precedes me.” There’s something that vaguely resembles regret written across her face which makes you worry that she must’ve thought you were judging her. With the end of her last sentence you see her nervously press her lips together and skillfully avoids your gaze. This was exactly the opposite of what you wanted.

“I would love to have dinner with you,” you suddenly blurt out with all the enthusiasm you’d been holding in since the moment you first saw her. “The idea of simply getting to know you better excites me more than I can say. I was honestly in shock when you asked me to have dinner with you but… I just worried that maybe my feelings were one-sided.”

The soft look of elatedness on her face is almost enough to soothe your racing heart. But you’re still hanging on to every word as if the next might make or break you. “I know the circumstances under which we’ve run into each other twice now haven’t been very orthodox and I feel partially responsible for both times somehow. But I must admit that I’ve simply been charmed by you in a way that no one else has done before. When I first asked you to dinner I did want to use that opportunity to correctly apologize but that wasn’t all. As your friend Maia largely put it, I’d feel regretful if I let you get away so easily. Now if I may?” Feeling absolutely flustered by her confession it takes a moment longer for you to realize that she’s now holding out her hand for you across your desk and you take it expectantly. Just like the first time you’re suddenly rendered incapable of thinking about anything else besides how right it feels to have your smaller hand cradled in hers.

“Ah, I meant to grab your phone,” she clarifies with an amused look on her face and suddenly you feel like a complete idiot. Trying to pull your hand away, she stops you with her firm grip and instead brings it up to her perfectly painted red lips to plant a light kiss on the top. The contact of skin on skin feels overwhelming in the best way possible and you can’t do anything except smile. When she lets it go you dazedly reach for your phone and unlock it so that she can insert her contact information. She looks up from her typing with a raised eyebrow and asks, “Would this Saturday evening be agreeable for you?”

Your eager nodding brings out a satisfied smile on her face before your verbal confirmation. “Yes, Saturday would be very agreeable.”

A/N: I don't know whether or not I wanna yell at Daniela or Maia more 😳 But I guess these two are going on a date so whatever they did worked out? Again, I’m MCULesbian on AO3 and chapters 1-5 are already up on there! Stay safe y'all.

[imuybemovoko]

Hate-reading a Chick tract because I enjoy pain

O̶̟̠̩͙̒͑̃̄̌̐̀̚ḧ̶̙̥̝̬̳̪́ ̵̧̛̯̬̼͇̇̍̏͊̚͜͜b̷͖͉͈͖͇̬̠̼̩̌̏͑̔̑͝ō̷̪͗̉̎͝y̴̨̢̛̛̱͓͇̣̣̭̅̉̓͝.̴̡̢̥̼̻͎̦̟̪͊͌̍̔̓̕͝͠

Today we’ll be looking at the Chick tract “Bad Bob”. Given those circumstances, our true Lord and Savior Garfield is here with a reminder we’ll all be needing. 

Also, this gets really goddamn dark. Content warnings for Christian abuse of power for proselytization, mentions of drug use, abuse/harassment directed against restaurant staff, possible homophobia (though it’s not explicit, I do get a vibe), and a cartoon depiction of someone fucking burning to death. (That last is not super graphic, but if you see the image you know damn well what’s happening.) Keep scrolling if that’s going to hurt you, please.

And if this is safe for you, let’s get into this disaster. 

Let’s start with the cover because I think it plays at least some role here. 

It’s arranged in the classic Chick style, with a picture and colored background on one end and the title on the other. Presumably the J.T.C. thing in the corner is meant to indicate who made this thing. In this case, an intimidating dude, presumably the titular character “Bad Bob”, is displayed. He has a long chaotic beard, unkempt hair, a black jacket, sunglasses, and what looks to me like a cigar butt in his mouth and is backed by a Confederate flag. I guess Chick felt the need to at least pay lip service to the fact that the Confederacy was bad, actually. This signals to the reader that Bad Bob is going to have some kind of encounter with God. It’s not clear, so far, whether we get to see him find Jesus or burn in hell. (Or maybe both in some sense. Foreshadowing.) 

The first page gets ...immediately weird. This is a pretty fast dark turn even for Chick. 

First, a nitpick. This verse from Job is part of Eliphaz the Temanite’s monologue to Job. Here’s the chapter. I’m pretty sure that a child being chaotic is not what this is referring to. Given that Job is going through hardship and his friend is talking to him in that time, this is probably meant to say, “yeah sometimes life gets fucked up, that’s basically a natural law”. 

With that out of the way, let’s unpack the way this page pathologizes this kid. First, he’s literally crying and waving his arms as his mother holds him. Who the hell is this shriveled raisin lady to say the kid “has a mind of his own” and be angry about it? Why don’t we figure out if this literal infant is hungry or tired or made a mess in his diaper before we get angry at him for being loud? In the context, ...as we’ll see, this is clearly meant to frame the story as if Bob has been “bad” all his life. In the first panel, there is nothing wrong with what he’s doing, even if he is being obnoxiously loud. His brain isn’t even developed enough to plan some act of rebellion yet, yet that’s how this shriveled church lady characterizes him. Pretty cursed.

The second panel is a kid literally tossing some food around because he doesn’t like it. How the fuck is this meant to be an indication of his character being essentially bad? This is literally just a thing that kids do. But he’s growling, like a spooky demon child or whatever, and try as she might, his mother can’t do anything. Because apparently, in Chick’s eyes, spilling food as a two year old means you’re going to grow up to be a violent bastard.

This is going to be painful.

So this kid fucks up the neighbor’s house with a garden hose and gets into a bit of legal trouble for it. The mother is shocked at this, taking him to a guidance counselor after this and asking for advice. Good move on her part. The way the tract frames this entire situation, though, gets fucked up. Notice the mother’s words in the first panel. “But in his heart, he’s such a good boy!” She is obviously surprised that her kid would flood the neighbor’s house. But the tract starts to pin some of the blame for this kid’s actions on her here in a way that’s ...deeply unhealthy. Notice the Bible verse that’s included below the caption. That’s there to frame it as if she’s misunderstanding or not seeing some inherent evil present within her child. It suggests that she failed in some way that prevented her from being able to see this coming and prevent it. It suggests that she’s supposed to view her child as evil. 

And then there’s the second panel. She’s taking the kid to a guidance counselor and, apparently desperate for solutions, she asks the counselor about spanking. The counselor responds by basically saying that it could be traumatizing. (Which, yeah, physical intimidation by parents isn’t good, and the way Chick juxtaposes this answer with the Bible verse below suggests that this was well understood even in 1999. Someone should’ve told my parents; they weren’t extreme but they did do spanking.) Meanwhile the kid is once again growling like some kind of demon child, because Chick tracts like to make people comically evil. Anyway, notice how the tract responds to this good advice. It adds a verse from Proverbs that says “the rod of correction” will drive a child’s inherent “foolishness” away. The tract is advocating for at least spanking here. We’re two pages in and it’s already saying that Bob is essentially evil and always was and that physical violence against him would have prevented this. 

The scientific consensus on this coupled with the rest of the tract almost suggests that his mother ended up trying it anyway.

Here’s Bob a few years later being a vicious asshole, because according to Chick, tossing a plate of broccoli will lead to pouring drinks on the heads of restaurant staff for mixing up your order and worse. Notice the reactions. The guy behind the bar suggesting that he’s torn this place up before. The other people trying to leave. This guy has a pattern of doing this kind of shit. One way or another that kid grew up into a real bastard. The way this is framed so far suggests that this is something you can see coming because a literal six month old child cries a lot. 

Fuck. We’re three pages in and I’m exhausted. 

This page paints the same picture of him, only in greater detail, with these two women talking about how Bob is a bastard but a good drug dealer. Also, this is more vibes-based/a tangential connection based on the choice in scripture here than anything, at least here, but I kind of think Chick is being misogynistic here and also maybe implying that these two are lesbians. Romans 1 has the following passage here: 

26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. 27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

This is immediately before the chunk that contains the verse included in the page. This is part of the context of the passage. Call it a stretch, call it vibes-based, but I seriously think Chick is also being homophobic here. 

Because of course he is.

Oops, found an undercover cop! A nice set up for one of the most cursed plots I’ve ever seen in one of these tracts, and that’s quite a thing to say. 

Bob’s cousin didn’t know their “buyer” was a narcotics officer operating undercover. (What a ...@!!!**!? Chick, there’s like five words he could be using. I’m confused now, thanks for making me lose the plot! lol) Bob flies into a violent rage over this. Then there’s a visitor, and Bob flips out seeing what the visitor is carrying. He shouts that he’s had “enough of that ...@!!!**! crammed down his throat” (wait what the hell? You didn’t include that last exclamation point in the other one for grammatical reasons? That takes all the strength out of it Chick, surely you know the difference between “you bastard” and “you bastard!” It’s kind of important lmao) Chick builds suspense for some reason. We all know damn well that this person has brought a Bible. You don’t need to do that. But I guess dialogue through walls is nice?

Woop, there it is! “I just want to tell you abut Jesus!” the visitor says, shaking in fear at bob’s anger. Bob basically tells the visitor to use the Bible as a dildo and, once again, growls demonically. You know, as unbelievers do... (Chick what the fuck, why are you copy and pasting the same string of characters to imply swear words? At least shake it up a bit lmao)

“I hate God”, “I run my own life”. Classic trope here. “haha unbelievers hate god and hate authority”. Meanwhile, two verses on the side basically threatening people who don’t follow God with ... having shorter years? 

(it’s death, that’s a death threat)

And Bob lashes out violently, and says “@!!!**!” again. Hello, persecution complex. (Is this Bob or Bob’s cousin lashing out here? I think it’s the cousin.) Either way, we have Chick casting the unbelievers as violent. 

And then ... ah, problems?

Welcome to Jack Chick’s crash course in deeply fucked up power dynamics! Here’s a man who has authority over Bob and his cousin, saying “you deserve hell” and “you’re weak”. This is ...kind of abusive. Let’s look at the next few panels and watch him use his authority to force Christianity on Bob. 

“You took the easy route. You’re blind. That kid wanted to help you.” 

“We all deserve hell, but Jesus would save you, but you have rejected it.” Spoken from a position of authority. This is an abuse of power. He has the authority to enact violence against these two men if they behave in certain ways. Telling them they’re wrong to reject Christianity attaches that potential violence to his proselytizing. So that’s not good.

Then this takes a turn that I did not fucking expect.

That’s right, a fucking prison fire. 

Conveniently centered next to Bob’s cell. 

(Bob’s cousin is literally on fire, right here in this image, by the way. We’re literally watching someone burn to death. ...Perfect for general audiences.)

The design of the prison looks pretty fucking concrete/brick and not exactly flammable in this way. Prison fires are possible, but I’m kind of wondering what’s on the floor that would be roasting Bob’s cousin alive like this. Since this is the 80s or 90s, as far as I’m aware, the prison would have a concrete floor. Which means I’m kind of at a loss unless it’s a fucking accelerant. 

Is this meant to imply that God came down and shat fire onto the concrete, or ...was this intentional? 

Fuck.

After that, we see the warden talking to Bob. This is something that has very clearly fucked him up a fair bit. The warden is taking advantage of this. “Yeah so that never ended for your cousin. He’s in hell now. Remember him screaming and his skin boiling off? That will never stop happening to him. Oh, but God gave you a chance.” Exploiting this tragedy in that way is deeply, DEEPLY fucked up. 

Notice the hell threats in the form of Revelation verses, by the way. “Reader: the same will happen to you unless you obey us.” Cursed.

Of COURSE this makes Bob see this shit in a different way. He’s been through a major trauma and the warden is there like a goddamn vulture. This is an abuse of power and an incredibly fucked way to respond to a traumatic event. 

Fuck you Chick, anyone who’s been raised in this aggressively Christian society knows what “repent” means. Don’t lie. 

More wall dialogue for some reason. The warden explains repentance and throws in a couple more threatening references to fire for good measure. Gotta capitalize on that trauma. Fuck.

Bro just said like four panels ago that Bob’s cousin is fucked forever, so “God is always ready to forgive” seems like a lie, but whatever.

And the warden’s shit worked. A question though. If this dude didn’t know what “repent” means, why does he know the cross bit? No one told him that story during the events depicted. I guess Chick assumes people know when it’s convenient to do that, and assumes otherwise when that fits the goal more. Anyway, guy’s a Christian now I guess. 

lol, lmao.

yeah of course people change when they go through a really extreme trauma and someone with power over them uses it for manipulation. Abuse fucks with people. Chick’s going to assume Bob changed for the better after this; I’d be shocked. I bet he stops overtly bullying the staff of restaurants, which is a genuine improvement, and selling drugs, which is neutral if he was selling to adults, and he starts repeating the abuse this asshole warden did to him, maybe towards a wife and kids if that’s in his future but for sure towards others. 

Meanwhile, these people have this conversation, just ...commenting on how the guy’s changed, and the one brings up that they’ll have to find a new plug if they want drugs. I don’t know what the fuck this has to do with the verse that’s listed here, it’s not like they’re that mad at him for this, they’re just noticing. Nothing in their words, expressions, or body language remotely suggests they’re anything other than confused or curious. 

And that’s Bad Bob. After this frame is a panel that’s like a checklist or instructional pamphlet about how to get saved. I wouldn’t include it here, but there’s something I find funny about the “next steps” column.

That’s right. This motherfucker is a KJV-Only type. Bro has an entire tract about it. It’s an absolutely wild ride full of conspiracy theories about ancient history with an absolutely hilarious focus on the Catholic Church. Maybe I’ll unpack that one sometime. :^)

So, what the hell did we just experience?

Well, Chick likes to put people in unsettlingly specific fucked up situations in his tracts so that they have some kind of encounter with the Christian god, who is presented as this all-or-nothing ultimate judge. We didn’t see Jesus sitting on the throne he yeets people into hell from here, but this is the worst fucking example of someone meeting a weird nasty end on Earth that I’m aware of. It makes even less sense than the random fuckin heart attacks, and it’s just so goddamned brutal. It serves as a neat little illustration of how fucked this is as a whole practice. It’s using the inevitability of death and the possibility of something sudden happening as a cudgel to try to shove everyone into Christianity, presenting the warden doing that in the most fucked way possible as good actually because the whole practice is something they like a lot. 

They just ...invent a bastard, moralize about some things, and then put him and his family through needless and unspeakable trauma and say it’s all good in the end because God fixed him now.

So that was a fucked up little journey, wasn’t it. 

I guess come to the dark side, we try not to weaponize trauma?

if you’ve read this far, you probably need therapy now. sorry not sorry

[holding-out-for-hea]

I’m gonna say something that I HOPE wouldn’t be controversial, but who knows, maybe it is. Totally not SPN or J2 related

We need to take better care of our boys. We have to stop shaming all little boys. The ones who ARE stereotypical and the ones who break the mold.….. Too often I see boys being absolutely demoralized for being who they are. It’s no wonder boys lead the statistics in suicides, mental health emergencies, feeling unsatisfied in work, drug addictions, overdoses, etc etc. which in turn makes it even less surprising they also lead the statistics in violence, crime, and incarceration. Do I make any sense??

Where is the mentorship and guidance for boys?? They need safe spaces. They are never taught how to harness and expel energy in healthy ways, but they’re certainly expelled and suspended for doing it in the wrong ways. The others are told their gentleness is shameful and off putting. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I’ve seen young boys actually told they’re acting in toxic ways but then the convo ends! They’re left to feel like they’re BAD kids. This is how resentment and hatred breeds. I have two jobs. One is in the schools. So many boys are DESPERATE for strong guidance. For role models. They need MEN to step up and lead them to be proper adults. We wonder why men are shooting up concerts and shopping malls. I have seen these boys fall through the cracks in a school system that doesn’t understand, or want to understand and them. They’re labeled “problem child” and that’s it. That’s the label they wear through their whole lives. When really it’s fixable behaviors. They’re humans with immense potential if only people tried to help them! If people would just take the time. I have seen in the sports programs two things. Coaches who mentor and love (too rare) and coaches who shame and disparage (too many) I also am a dance teacher of over 100 young girls. It would NEVER be tolerated for me to speak to my students the way I see these young boys spoken to.

I’m a strong feminist who is raising two sons, one special needs. I know my responsibility is IMMENSE, Because as a strong feminist I know that society needs a healthy and functioning male population. In the schools there are spaces to help girls reach potential, branch out and try new things. There are girl only spaces. Boy only spaces are disappearing. I understand WHY that was, because they were the dominant space for so long and incredibly discriminatory. I can’t help but feel we over corrected though, and now these boys are just fending for themselves entirely. Most guidance counselors and therapists in the schools are women- which is of course great for these little boys- but I really do believe that adult men need to step up here.

Reading this back I hope all know I’m not trying to eliminate the trans, pan or non binary populations. I’m also not trying to say women don’t have an important role in raising these boys (as I said, I’m a mom of two). Trans men are 100% men, no ifs ands or buts about it, and should have a strong presence in male spaces. Non binary as well! Im also not trying to undercut what women go through- my god I know that’s a horror show worldwide. Women will be fighting for our rights for all of time it seems. I’m just commenting more on cis het men and also repressed (never felt safe to come out) and shamed lgbtq men, because there is a very specific problem in these populations and we need to speak on it.

[neptune-midheaven]

💓 Astro Notes PT 3 ! 💓

+I’m definitelyy gonna do sign posts soon, like houses, planets, asteroids, and all, it’s all gonna have a theme to each topic yada yada yadaa, so look outtt+

>A bit of a long post here so have fun scrolling through it hehe :))

*All aries risings have sign/house synchronization because the house order doesn’t move or if it does move at all it hardly does, only shifting by a sign or two depending on how late the ascendant degree is, this is notorious of aries’ independence streak by wanting each sign to be in their native houses, to feel its house’s full power, aries rules 1st the house of identity so there’s the more symbolic way for this occurring. It’s pure energy here.

*Venus-saturn, especially conjunction, definitely carry a big daddy vibe. It’s more prominent if the two are placed in the angular houses.

*Taurus and libra are both rules by venus, but these energies are distributed between the two signs in different ways. A basic way to differ the two energy wise is taurus is the “masculine” side of venus, libra is far more “feminine”. Both are delicate but in different ways taurus is “heavier”, for it being an earth sign, contrasted with the airy and flighty libra.

*Libra sun is in fall in astrology, the fall meaning the behavior of the sign contradicts the traditional role of the planet, the role of the sun is to stand out from everyone else, its your radiance, what makes you special, it’s your ego and what you take pride in. But libra wants to be relatable to everyone, to NOT stand out, merge and meet and balance !! This is the opposite of aries, aries is independent, “what makes ME independent, me me me !!”, explaining its exaltation when the sun enters this sign, it’s not absolutely the same as leo sun or the suns energy overall but it’s a close fit, almost... perfect, that’s what the exaltation means represents here. Libra is focused on everyone else around them, everyone other than themselves, the people around them and how they can compromise to fit everyone’s needs. I mentioned before they don’t like to stand out, this is excluding fire placements in a libras chart which will create a person who relates well to others but still demands to stand out in whatever planet is in a fire sign.

*Whatever house leo is ruling is wherever your rising sign’s ego is being expressed in, ex: leo in 11th expresses their ego, creativity with friends, causes. This area of life is where you’ll likely take most pride in, excluding the suns placement in the chart.

*Neptune in 7th can attract a lot of partners in need of healing or help. This person is very healing and guiding in relationships, maybe they could even make a good guidance counselor, but I’m not so sure astrologically because I haven’t looked into it entirely, let me know if this is true.

*Neptune in 2nd is the type of person to browse a shop, find whatever they like but never end up buying it, they change their minds about it by putting it back right before they leave. They could’ve been talking about hooow much they want to get whatever they’re holding onto over and over again but never buy the thinggg.

*Aries mercury were always told to lower their voice or be quiet as kids I swear.

*Uranus in 12th feels they should hide their brilliance, these are veryy creative people they just keep it a secret.

*12th house feels like a never ending game of hide and seek, you find the planet sometimes but you’re always in a never ending loop, always searching for it.

*The moon in astrology, when looking into the mother, who’s ruled by the moon in astrology, describes your relationship with her, what she’s like, how she raised you etc...

*Ex: taurus moons, your mother gave you many gifts, she adored youu as taurus is ruled venus which rules gifts and appreciation, she was also very relaxed in your childhood, she still is now. This relationship is a very calm, steady one, moon is exalted in taurus meaning the role of the moon is comfortable in relaxed and comfy taurus.

*Ex: a moon in 8th, the house of intense and psychic scorpio, could have a psychic or even telepathic bond to the mother, this is a very strong connection overall and depending on its sign and aspects is where you’ll find the specifics of the relationship from, the details, how the relationship is flavored.

*Sun in 12th indicates an absent father figure. This placement is difficult, i’m so sorry if you have it because you can never feel like you can be yourself, it’s hidden from you. With any other placement in astrology, there’s a gorgeous, forgiving upside to it, you’re very healing and understanding of others, an empath or at least someone who sucks in the negative vibes out the environment, it can get quite exhausting !! so always need to seclude yourself now and then, you’re very loyal and caring of your loved ones, people love you for your sensitivity and empathy as this placement also makes you an old soul, someone overflowing with wisdom others rely on.

*5th house shows you what your child will be like, what traits they embody, what they will do and even how they act.

*Capricorn risings look elvish, they have high cheekbones a lot like a LOTR character and elvish, chiseled ears. It’s not OUT there but it’s subtle.

*Chiron in 9th has experienced religious trauma.

*A lot of 12th or 8th house placements carry a lot of karma.

*Mercury-pluto (especially negative) can become inconsiderate in arguments, they bring up a ton of shit to use against you, only as long as they can win.

*Scorpio suns are far more optimistic and light hearted than the moon sign.

*Mercury-ascendant aspects can make even an introverted rising sign more out-going, open, talkative (not that introverted risings can’t be talkative this is just what comes with this placement).

*You may be good at something without realizing it, take a peak at your 12th house or quintiles !! For quintiles, look up the trine form of whatever two planets are aspected for the general description since there’s not too much to find online sadly. 12th house is something you don’t really know or realize you’re good at, especially early in life, the secret talent pertaining to whichever sign or planet are ruling/in this house.

*Leo venus take pride in their loverss like damnnnn they literally treat their partners as royalty, king and queen, kissing the ground they walk on and everything, they’re so devoted in love, it’s adorable !! <33

*Pisces and leo moons, THE dreamiest, most romantic moon sign pairr, it’s well known pisces is the hopeless romantic of the zodiac, however to bring up the flamboyant, dramatic leo moon when describing a dreamy romantic you wonder, really ?? Yes this is extremely true ! Both signs, pisces and leo, are fairly alike, almost alike in fact, considering they both create a inconjunction in the natal chart, two signs who share some similarities while still contradicting one another in ways they express these similarities, both pisces and leo are creative, talented, have a love for the arts, film, music, loyal as friends and love to care for others, both are insanely idealistic. Leo rules the child remember !! so they’re a childlike sign with young idealism, an idealistic moon sign here. Both leo and pisces moons are children at heart, they’re so gooey and sweet.

*Sun in 10th can get any job they apply for, they could even be terrible at that job they want, the one they want to try out for, they would even have a breakdown over how terrible they were in an interview but still get the job like HOWW- WITCHCRAFTT.

*Aquarius mercuries were known as the smartest kid in class, the einstein’s of the class, everyone asked for their answers for the homework, they just carry this flair of intellectual superiority just like the sun sign haha.

*Your 12th house is what you unconsciously give off the vibe of, your ascendant and midheaven are noticeable layers, different types of layers of you !!but the subtle layers of the 12th house, sign or planet, can always be sensed unconsciously, 12th house energies are at a higher octave, a higher vibration than the other houses, even 11th, you can notice a person’s subtle 12th house energy but they’re still completely unaware of it as it’s ! hidden ! from them.

*Aquarius venus, and really all air venuses in general, are soo stereotyped UGHH, what I mean by stereotyped is the descriptions of each of these venus signs is literally like the same shit over and overrr again, they all get terrible reps in the astro community it seems almost close minded because it’s also such a hugee generalization. It’s only about how the air venus energy is used, manifested in the person, if its underdeveloped or not. If it’s underdeveloped it’s going to be chaotically afloat from material love affairs, which earth venuses don’ttt like, water too, fire can handle the floaty-ness but if the passion’s not there- BYE !! If you develop an air venus well enough, you can balance the material and intellectual realms in your relationships, this is kinda natural for earth heavy charts with one the air signs here, however fire or even more air could become a little tricky to ground yourself in relationships. Just let your partners know you deserve your space because you guys can really run out of mental power after a while, so it’s necessary for you to recharge !! just don’t ghost people completely when you do, it’s where this immortal stereotype comes from.

*Saturn dominant people are flawless beings.

*Saturn in 3rd, YOU GUYS ARE SOOOSOO SOOO SMART AHH. Their minds are always running at a fast pace like literal lightning, or they become too overwhelming (not in a bad sense ofcc, it’s just how it is) that the person’s speech rhythm is kinda forgotten about in a way, it feels like that their mouths aren’t always running in sync. The thought they’re going to express into words should come out but it’s so quick or even “heavy” it jumbles up a sentence or it causes the person to mix up a word or two. Their minds are fast fast fastt but they feel like their mouths are running in literal slow motion. There’s nothing wrong with this, this placement makes amazingly smart peoplee. Just relax, try letting yourself go in conversation, let all that big, brain energy freee !!

*Alsoo, as singers they would and definitely ALWAYSS get their notes right, they have actual PERFECT voices, they really should become writers or, like I said, singing would be perfect for them because they would never mess up lmaoo.

*Libra, computerized concern and sympathy...

*Pluto in 8th feel unbeatable, indestructible almost, they have above average regenerative abilities, they have the best survival tactics but they keep it a secret, it’s 8th house we’re talking about.

*Whatever saturn is in is the area where you’ll become flawless in, you’ll master that area throughout your life with time.

*There is a guiding planet in astrology, the planet that is closest behind the sun, it’s considered your “second” chart ruler, or basically has the energy of it because you can probably relate to it being one of the most prominent energies in your chart.

*Sagittarius//9th house mercury is soooo blunt, so blunt. Wait did I mention they’re SOOO SO BLUNT.

*Moon in 5th need to perform, they love to get out on stage and perform with their entire hearts, they’ll do amazing in the performing arts, theatre, and honestly they probably already aree. These people are so playful and generally so fun to be around, they’re natural hypemen as well !!

*Taurus venus love to be appreciated by their partners, the gifts, the kisses, the food and allll.

*Neptune in 3rd feel everything in their environment, they can sift through the energies and vibes, it’s second nature, no not second nature, FIRST nature, they’re one with everything around them. Their minds are like a hazy, cloudy ocean containing every drop, every thought of a place, a person.

*Moon in 11th, and 10th too, have a special ability to understand and sympathize with the public, they always know what the public wants and even how to give it to them. This can easily get them famous since they’re extremely understanding people, especially if moon is healthy in the chart.

*Someone with a lot of capricorn/10th house or aquarius/11th house energy is very extroverted, they enjoy socializing with others but suffer from social burn outs often, they often need to recharge.

*Scorpio risings have intense voices, like their tone radiates throughout your head and it can feel intense overall, even when they’re speaking casually. The specific flavor or tone doesn’t matter but how it sounds overall is piercing.

*In astrology, libra rising starts the house cusps with each houses sister signs ruling each cusps ex: pisces rules 6th house, the house of virgo in astrology. Symbolically, libra wants to balance out the houses by blending the energies with the sister signs together, by with what is (house number) and how it’s done (sign on each house cusp), for balanceee !!

*Moon conjunction uranus TRANSITSS can cause literal earthquakes on earth, shocking news or something shocking or groundbreaking will happen that day either around the world and in personal, daily life. Ex: this transit happened on halloween during the blue moon, so basically no one ever trick or treats in my neighborhood, like barely anyone comes out i mean, it’s always 5 houses apart where people typically hand out candy, some people are just hanging out, we always run out of houses to go to since it’s not very active, but this year EVERYONE was out trick or treating it was so crazy to see so many people out, it was quite literally shocking because that actually never happens also there’s a whole pandemic going on too lmaooo.

[thepriceisrizzoli]

here's another fic I have the audacity to be working on

this one's called honeybee

young rizzles ft. shy maura

romance / fantasy but fantasy like wishes coming true, not fantasy like dragons

a little sweet, a little sad, a little twilight zone

happy ending tho

chapter 1

“Have you ever considered therapy?”

“Pff,” she flicks a hand dismissively, the one whose elbow is propped on the back of her chair. “If I’m gonna be a cop, I can’t go cryin’ to a shrink every time something stressful happens.”

Ms Patterson’s overplucked brows rise a little, and Jane knows immediately that she’s chosen the wrong tactic to use on her guidance counselor.

Oldschool veteran fortitude is a dumb look on a kid who’s been 20 for a whole month. She’s come off instead as a judgmental little shit, too big for her britches.

“Actually, Jane, people in law enforcement aren’t above needing to take care of their mental health. In fact, they’re some that need to the most. And if that’s the attitude you intend to impress potential employers with, I can promise you, it’ll get you passed over faster than you can blink.”

Jane straightens up in her chair, getting humble. It’s a speech that lasts several minutes, and she’s earned it. She knew better. Or should've.

Really, she does have to get her attitude under control. The hard-shelled sarcastic smartass thing worked fine socially as a teenager, but in the real world, it’s going to hold her back.

She’ll need Ms Patterson as a reference before long, so it’s in her best interest to demonstrate some growth.

.

So, here she is. Wasting her only night off at some stupid support group.

Ok, it’s not stupid. Not for the people who need it. She doesn’t. Not in an above-it way; her life just isn’t that bad.

Everyone else here has shared truly awful stories so far, and any one of them would probably trade lives with her in an instant. She fidgets with the hem of her lucky jersey, ashamed to be here over nothing.

As soon as she absorbs enough to be able to fake an epiphany that’ll satisfy Ms Patterson, she’s outta here.

The talkative people have talked, and now the guy in charge is looking to see if one of the quiet ones want to share. He picks a blonde about Jane’s age, pretty and very well-dressed.

Jane is a little relieved at the sight of her, because maybe her problems aren't the most trivial in the room after all. She braces herself for a tragic tale like ‘Daddy bought the wrong color Bentley for my birthday’.

The girl looks positively terrified to have been chosen. Her name is Laura - maybe? The few quiet words she’ll say are addressed to her own lap, and the only ones Jane catches are "nothing really" and “benign neglect”.

She looks like she might have a nervous breakdown if spoken to any more, and the guy gives up.

Next, everybody is told to pair off, and that's the final straw for Jane.

She glances over in time to see that girl tighten around her purse and eye the door like she's going to bolt. And the second everybody starts murmuring and milling around, she does.

Both curious and eager for the opportunity to bail, Jane follows her into the hall.

"Hey?"

Laura whirls around, looking scared like maybe Jane has chased her out to scold her.

"I-I'm sorry, I should've excused myself, I didn't want to be disrup-"

"Relax, I'm ducking out too," Jane smiles, flashing her palms.

"Oh," the blonde flashes a mechanically polite smile, and they continue down the hall toward the double exit doors, almost side by side.

Jane's been practicing making quick connections with people. Connections get people on her side, make them open up, say what they know. A good detective would have to be good at that, and she likes the idea of honing those skills early.

She challenges herself to win over this nervous stranger before they go their separate ways into the night.

"I think there's enough of 'em that they won't miss us," she adds, smiling conspiratorially. It doesn't work, maybe because the other girl is looking at the floor.

She outpaces her at the end of the hallway, wanting to be the one to open the door. The clack of the push bar echoes loudly, and she puts her weight against the heavy door, holding it open.

Something hard to read flickers across the girl’s face. Jane watches the top of her head pass at eye level, preparing one last try.

“If anybody ask-”

Barely through the threshold, the blonde turns around suddenly, blurting “Why?”, causing Jane to stop short, both verbally and physically, and get clipped by the closing door.

“Why what?” she asks, amused.

“Sorry.” Laura backs up and shuts her eyes hard for a second, clearly scolding herself internally. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, why what?”

“Why are you.. ducking.”

"Eh. What I came here about is a trip to Disney World compared to some of that stuff,” she says, nodding over her shoulder. “Feels wrong to put my problems alongside theirs."

"I felt the same,” the girl glances up a bit more brightly. “Like I was intruding."

Jane lets her feel sure she’s about to ask about her past, and then asks something else.

She likes to pinpoint the change in peoples’ faces when she does that. Don’t ask turning into why didn’t you ask is immediate and almost always an eyebrow thing. I could tell you if you asked is a separate stage that takes a little more work, and you have to watch the broader body language for it.

In this girl’s case, it’s in the way she rotates to face Jane more directly as they stand outside, keys in hand, chatting somewhat one-sidedly.

It's Maura, with an M. Actually, she seems like a nice girl who’s painfully shy, but trying hard to put herself out there. It makes Jane want her to succeed.

Their chat finds a lull, and Jane is disappointed at the prospect of them parting ways just yet.

So she points across the street and says how about they go get a quick cup of coffee instead of standing around a dark parking lot? And she swears Maura thinks about bolting again before nodding yes.

They slide into a well-worn booth and Maura asks and Jane hits the highlights of her tale: Pop's drinking, the fighting, the divorce. Becoming a de facto mother and head of household at 13 because Ma had to work every waking moment just to keep a roof over their heads. How she's arrived at 20 feeling robbed of the teen years that are apparently supposed to be so golden.

Finding out Maura's deal is not as easy. Although she follows Jane's story with genuine compassion, when the time comes that she should naturally volunteer something about herself in return, she just stares at her cup.

“You readin’ those tea leaves, or?”

“No,” Maura answers with no inkling that this was a joke. “There aren’t any.”

She slides the cup forward, meaning to show Jane, and the momentum makes a little tea slosh out, soaking into Jane’s white shirt sleeve.

“Ohno,” she whispers, scrambling for a napkin and dabbing at the stain with shaking hands. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry-”

“It’s fine,” Jane laughs, but Maura looks like she’s on the verge of panic. “Seriously, don’t worry about it.”

“I ruined your shirt...”

“This? It’s an improvement. Here,” she picks up her own cup, dribbling some coffee along her other sleeve. “Maybe I can get kind of a tie-dye thing going on. Whaddya think?”

Maura gapes like she has no precedent in the entire world for how to react to this. At a loss, she slowly comes around to following Jane’s cue, and arrives at an uncertain laugh. Jane considers it a win.

“What brought you out here tonight?” she asks while the mood is still fresh.

Maura smiles nervously at her fingernails. “My problems don’t belong alongside yours, either.”

Jane feels a pang of guilt that her first reaction to Maura was the exact one she was afraid of.

“I bet they do.”

Practicing her interrogation skill is no longer why Jane wants to talk to this girl, but sitting across a table and working hard for clipped answers, that's kind of how it feels.

Maura talks in tight little summaries, like she’s getting scored on brevity.

Eventually, she gets enough to piece together a profile: 19 year old BCU student; an adopted only child; her parents are very self-involved career people; the independence they meant to instill in her is really just crippling perfectionism and social anxiety.

“They would’ve cared. The group,” she says. “I care, and I was probably the biggest jerk in there. Your problems don't have to be the most horrible for you to deserve to talk about ‘em."

Maura smiles, glancing up only momentarily.

"Thank y- I mean. You too- What? You don’t seem like a jerk."

Jane smirks, sipping the last of her coffee. “Only ‘cause you don’t know me.”

A silence passes. She tries to identify the song barely audible on the radio.

One perfectly-arched caramel eyebrow has a thin scar beneath it, and Jane wonders if there's trauma behind that, and if she's self conscious about it. She shouldn't be. She's pretty.

"You gonna go back next week?"

Maura hesitates, looking out the window. "Are you?"

That’s another win. Jane's grin goes unseen.

"Only if it was just this part. We could be our own really exclusive support group… for people with medium-size problems."

It's designed to get a smile, but it doesn't really. Maura’s hesitation lasts longer this time, and Jane is about to end her misery when she spits out a "Yes" that sounds awfully forced.

“Same bat time, same bat channel?”

Maura goes blank.

Jane tries again. "Here, next week? Sevenish?" and this time gets a nod. She taps her knuckles softly on the table. "Cool."

She doesn't suggest exchanging numbers. There's a ninety percent chance this girl was just avoiding the confrontation of saying no. She'll let her flake in peace.

[lexosaurus]

Statistic

My contribution to DP Side Hoes Week 2021 day 1! Character: Mr. Lancer Theme: Reflection

---

William Lancer stood in front of the mirror, fastening his tie with practiced fingers. He pulled the fabric down, completing the knot, and straightened it before him.

There. Now he was ready to start his day.

Well, almost.

He picked up the steaming mug of coffee off his dresser and sipped it, cherishing the warmth. It was early, too early. No matter how much his parents told him he would get used to waking up early for work every day as an adult, he never seemed to get the hang of it.

He stifled a yawn, noting the bags under his eyes and creasing forehead as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Teaching had aged him, there was no doubt. Between preparing the lesson plans, grading assignments, editing papers, meeting with parents, tutoring students—not to mention the dreaded administrative meetings—it was really no surprise that teaching had slowly worn him down over the years. 

But he wasn’t sure he could ever walk away. At least, not for a few more decades.

He headed downstairs, swiping his keys off his kitchen counter and starting the familiar drive to school. 

Teaching wasn’t all bad, it wasn’t all weary, thankless work. The students, though hormonal and immature they could be, kept him going every day. Watching their eyes light up as they understood a concept, seeing them succeed in their athletic or creative ventures, those were the small moments he cherished. The parts of his days that he yearned for.

He parked and strolled into the school, coffee still in hand. The hallways, though empty now, would soon be teaming with life as the students slowly made their way to school. And though they’d be tired at first, slowly throughout the day the voices in the halls would get louder, more lively, as the day picked up steam.

He said a few obligatory greetings to his coworkers, grabbed a few files from his office, and then headed to the printer room. He had a few worksheets he needed to print out for his students today.

“Will!” Tom Falluca greeted him. A copy machine buzzed next to him, spitting out papers.

“Hey, Tom.” Edward set his mug down on a spare table. It always amazed him how lively Tom seemed to be in the morning. “Happy Friday.”

“And to you! Got any plans for the weekend?”

William shrugged. His weekends tended to all be the same, with him switching off between prepping for school, emails, reading, and video games. Not that he told anyone about the latter hobby. It would have been rather unprofessional of him to admit to such a thing. “I’ll probably get started on my book club book. It’s a rather interesting one I believe. Well, according to Jane from the history department it is. But that woman will read anything, so I take her recommendations with a grain of salt. How about you?”

“My wife’s sister will be in town this weekend, so we’ll be hosting them.”

“Oh, that will be fun. Is she the one with the kids?”

“Yup, although they’ll be spending the weekend with their grandparents, so we won’t have them this time. It’ll just be Alice and her husband. I think we’ll probably go biking around the city on Saturday and then go out to dinner and a bar.”

“I’m sure they’ll appreciate it.” William pressed a button, whirring his copy machine to life. “Kids can be such a handful.”

“Oh, you’re telling me! I still have one at home, although he’s old enough now to be able to take care of himself for a day.”

“That’s the good thing about you working here, isn’t it? He would never be able to get away with a house party.”

Tom chuckled. “Heavens, no. The rumor mill works too well for that.”

William hummed, swapping a paper out of the copy machine with another.

“If any of your students look despondent today, it’s because they got their math test back,” Tom said.

“Not a good one?”

“Well, for the most part it went okay. But there were a few scores that were a bit lower than expected, and the usual suspects didn’t do well either...”

William didn’t miss the implication of that last comment. “You mean Mr. Fenton and Mr. Baxter.”

“Dash didn’t do great, but I spoke with his parents about arranging him with a math tutor last week and they seemed to agree with the idea, especially since I know he’s starting to think about college recruitment. But Danny!” He let out a sharp breath and rubbed his temples with the tips of his fingers. “Good grief, I don’t know what to do with that kid.”

William recalled the essay he graded from Mr. Fenton earlier this weekend. It was a garbled blend of English words that could only have been written by someone who couldn’t even bother to read the Sparknotes of the novel. For a while, William suspected dyslexia. But he had seen Mr. Fenton’s work after being forced to study in the classroom after school, and while he certainly wasn’t on the same level as his sister, he had shown to be able to produce legible, comprehensible papers when he put the time into it.

It was almost too easy to write him off as just another lazy student. And sometimes, William did do that. But he knew that deep down there was a much, much larger issue at play.

He just didn’t know what that issue was. 

“Fenton is a rather interesting case,” William finally said. “Truthfully, I haven’t been able to figure out how to handle him either.”

“It would be much easier if his parents would get involved. I’ve sent emails, but they just apologize for his performance and promise that they’ll talk to him. He doesn’t need to be talked to, he needs real intervention, and I can’t do that if his parents won’t agree to it.”

“I’ve had similar issues,” William admitted. Jack and Maddie Fenton were an unfortunate roadblock in his progress with Daniel. At the moment, it seemed detentions were the only way he could actually get Mr. Fenton to be forced into doing schoolwork at all. And even then, half the time Mr. Fenton would either not show up to the detention, or he’d pull one of his infamous disappearing acts halfway.

“I don’t know.” Tom shook his head. “Every so often, you get a student like this. I know, I’ve been at this job for almost thirty years. I know we’re not heroes, we can’t save everyone. But it still is such a damn shame to see a student with so much potential slip through the cracks.”

“I agree.”

At this rate, Mr. Fenton would amount to nothing more than just another failed statistic. He would just slip through the cracks.

William hated to think about it.

“We can’t save them all, Tom, but I’ll see about trying to get Madeline and Jack Fenton into my office again with the guidance counselor.”

“Theresa’s good. Maybe she’ll get through to them.”

William shrugged and collected his papers. It wouldn’t have been the first time that Theresa, Mr. Fenton’s parents, and himself had sat down together to discuss Daniel’s performance. But it was always the same response, just a, “We never had these issues from Jazz!” from the father and a, “I’m so sorry, I’ll talk to him,” from the mother. Any suggestions of a 504 plan was shut down before William could finish his sentence.

“He’s never had these issues before. We’ll talk some sense into him!” Jack Fenton had said.

There had been students in past years who had parents that spoke like this. Opposed to alternative methods, so sure they alone could “talk some sense” into their teen as if that would solve all their academic issues.

It never ended well.

William shuffled off to homeroom, one hand clutching his photocopied papers and the other holding a nearly empty mug of coffee.

He wasn’t sure how to get through to Daniel. He wasn’t sure how to convince his parents that Daniel needed extra help, and that was okay. It wasn’t a sign of intelligence, or lack thereof. 

But he needed to figure it out. 

He refused to let Mr. Fenton become another statistic.

---

Thanks for reading!

[jelzorz]

66a

Admittedly, Opeli doesn't hate this job. It might have been a poor career choice—teaching high school English isn't particularly well suited for someone who doesn't like teenagers—but she's always liked the subject matter and there are days when it isn't so bad. There's always a handful of kids in every grade that make the job worth it, and it's amusing, kind of, to watch them scramble through the awkwardness of puberty and the veritable sea of hormones that comes with it—

What's weird is the fact that they seem to think she has all the answers.

She's flattered, she supposes. She's older than she wants to admit and she likes to pretend she's got her life together, but she's wise enough to know that no one has, really, even at her age. It's sweet to an extent, but the school does have a guidance counselor, and it's not her. Giving teenagers advice about anything is well above her pay grade, and surely there are other seemingly put-together adults that these kids could go to but—

It's because you're not a parent, Amaya had told her one afternoon. It'd been during their shared free period and the staff room had been otherwise empty.

"You're not a parent," Opeli had grumbled, and Amaya snorted into her coffee.

No, but I am Callum's aunt, she'd signed. He's not going to come to me about any of his teenage troubles. Not when I tell his father everything.

Opeli had supposed she was right. It's tough enough being a teenage boy—it must be tougher still when your father is also your high school principal. And Claudia and Soren's relationship with their father is dysfunctional enough without taking into account the fact that he's also their chemistry teacher, and she can't imagine Rayla wanting to talk to Runaan when he's as emotionally constipated as he is and her PE teacher.

Still, there are other teachers they could go to. Ibis is is relatively put-together, and Villads is a bit weird but he's relatable. Gren is actually paid to give advice so there's no real reason Opeli should have to spend her lunch breaks like this.

It's Thursday. Her sandwich is unwrapped but untouched on her desk because Callum is pacing around her classroom looking conflicted and upset about it.

"I just—how could this happen?" he groans. "Rayla's my best friend! I can't feel like this for her!"

Opeli breathes in because she thought it'd been a conscious thing for at least two months. 'Best friends' don't often hold hands the way they do, and if he honestly thinks their banter isn't flirting, she's given him more credit than he deserves. She coughs. "Not that I'm dismissing your... crisis, Mr. Prince, but you know we have an actual guidance counselor, don't you?"

Callum snorts. "Mr. Gren's friends with my Aunt Amaya and I can guarantee that if I went to him about this, my dad would know about it within the day. At least you can keep a secret, Miss Opeli."

Well. That's true, Opeli supposes, but still. She sighs. "Let me get this straight then," she says. "You're here because you've only just figured out that you might have a crush on Rayla Docherty, who's been your best friend for years, and you're...?"

"I dunno," grumbles Callum. "Worried, I guess? That it might ruin everything? That she'll find out and things will never be the same?"

"Don't you think you're catastrophizing a little?"

"No." Callum scowls. "I don't wanna ruin our friendship, Miss Opeli. I just don't know what to do."

Opeli lets out another sigh. It's long and patient and yearns for a good coffee, but she steeples her fingers on her desk and offers Callum a twitch of her lips. "What do I teach, Callum?"

Callum stares. "English?"

"And what's it for?"

Callum stares some more. "Communication, I guess?"

Opeli raises an eyebrow at him. "I think you know what you have to do," she says. "I get it though. This sort of thing can be scary, especially when you value your friendship with Rayla so much. But pacing around my classroom isn't going to help and I think... I think you have to trust her, and the strength of your relationship, if you really want things to work out."

"You think they will?"

Opeli shrugs. "I don't know," she says. "But how will you know if you don't bite the bullet?"

Callum shifts uneasily, but he takes a breath and squares his shoulders. "Right," he murmurs. "Okay. I'll talk to her. It'll be okay, right?"

"You'll just have to see." Opeli offers him a smile and leans back in her chair. "But between you and me? I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Callum blinks. Then he flushes. Then he grins. "Thanks Miss Opeli. I'll let you know how it goes."

"Mm." She waves him off. He leaves the room with looking lighter than he did when he came in, and Opeli snorts into her sandwich. Teaching English was a poor career choice, perhaps, but at least she knows she's good at it.

[livesincerely]

For the domestic au, I’d like to hear more about high school Jack who is still learning to let himself be taken care and his fight for custody of his boys.

Oooh!!! This is a good one 💗

So, entering his last year of high school, Jack is the most stressed out little bean in existence. He’s got less than four months before he ~ages out~ of foster care and he has no idea what he’s gonna do after, because all he cares about is figuring out some way to stay with Charlie and Racer.

Cause the thing is, Snyder’s been threatening Jack with them for years:

Snyder sneers, a cruel glint in his eyes.

“If you step another toe out of line, Kelly… Well, you’re not the first foster kid to “run away” and you won’t be the last. No one would even bat an eye. Or if that’s not enough of an incentive,” he looms even closer, and Jack’s trembling, hands clenched into white-knuckled fists, a frothing mix of terror and rage, “maybe it’ll be one of the little ones that goes missing this time. And that would be such a shame.”

So Jack has no idea what’s going to happen once he hits 18: if Snyder will even let him finish out the school year at the apartment (he’s supposed to let him, but who knows if he actually will) or if he’ll be allowed to see his brothers at all afterwards, and if he can’t see them then how is he supposed to take care of them?

Things really come to a head right around Halloween of Jack’s senior year. Because this might be the last Halloween he’ll get to have with them before things go bad, and the thought of having a last-anything when it comes to the boys is really the last straw for Jack.

And that’s where Davey comes in.

Davey has definitely noticed Jack looking more and more stressed over the last few months, but Jack’s been extremely reluctant to share what’s wrong. But then, on Halloween, the two of them are taking Race, Crutchie, and Les out trick or treating and as the night goes on, Jack is looking more and more strained and shaky.

Eventually, Davey manages to get Jack alone for a second, and this time, when he asks what’s going on, Jack has a bit of a breakdown. Because he just so fucking worried about e v e r y t h i n g and ahhhhhhhhh. And once Davey knows, he starts helping Jack look for resources and make an actual plan.

I don’t have all the details sorted yet, but I love the idea of Roosevelt, Deaton, Kloppman, and Medda being the various legal aids/custody law experts/guidance counselor/CPS agents/etc. that help Jack along his way.

Medda is one of Jack biggest supporters, and I love the idea of her acting as a guarantor when Jack applying for student loans, working on finding an apartment, etc, because she believes in him and knows that he just needs someone to be in his corner and back him up. (Roosevelt is definitely the custody lawyer that donates his services pro bono just for the satisfaction of sticking it to Snyder)

So yeah! Hope that was interesting!💗💗

[palettes-and-prompts]

prompts from music personal by HRVY

I am so sorry for what you're about to read!

1) "Person A kissed another person so we broke up and I don't think I'll ever love anyone again." "Person B, you're in middle school."

2) "Hey, kiddo, where are you going?" "Person A is dating my ex so I'm going to go tell their parents cause they're not allowed to date." "Damn, that's cold as hell. Alright, be back before the street lights come on."

3) "I got suspended from school." "For what?" "I kicked Person A in the nose for kissing the person I'm dating." "Damn, those ballet lessons paid off. Did they hit you back?" "No, I knocked them out." "I should be angry but I'm honestly so impressed and proud right now. Don't ever do it again though."

4) "My parents said they'd take us to the movies Saturday." "My parents said I can't watch scary movies without an adult." "My parents are gonna come too. And if you get scared I can hold your hand if you want."

5) "Tell Person A I'm not home if they ask." "Are you two fighting?" "Person A kissed my best friend so I'm never speaking to them again. I've packed their toys and put them by the door for them to get, I don't want them anymore. I'm going to bed early without dinner." "Wow,I don't even think I was this dramatic when I was twelve. Okay."

6) "Do you wanna go to the winter formal with me?" "Yeah." "Cool. I'll have my older sibling drive us in their truck so my parent doesn't drive us in their minivan." "Cool."

7) "Would it be okay if I kissed you?" "Yeah, let me take my retainer out first."

8) "I think I'm in love." "You're like twelve. I don't think so." "I am!" "Jesus, okay! Stop screaming at me."

9) "Person A is the hottest person ever!" "Person A smells like old salad and mayonnaise. I know you're like twelve but you've got to have some standards for yourself."

10) "What are you doing in my room?" "Looking for scissors. Person A stole Person B from me so I'm breaking our friendship bracelet." "That's rough. Here's some scissors. Hope you feel better, kid."

1) Person A gets dumped before the formal and Person B is their friend who swoops in at the last second to take them to the dance. Person B confesses their feelings for A and when Person C gets jealous and tries to take A back, A rejects them and spends the night dancing with B before their parents come to get them at 9 o'clock sharp.

2) Person A and B are in the same class. When A finds out B can't explain themselves very well, A helps them with their book report. They find that B knows the materials but just needs help putting their thoughts on paper. With A's help B's able to get good grades and the two begin to get closer just in time for the school dance.

3) When Person A kisses someone else at the school pep rally it leaves Person B, the one they're dating, feeling betrayed. When Person C moves to their school B's in charge of showing them around. When A spots them together B insists that they're dating C now. C lies and tells them it's true and that they moved to be closer to B. A is incredibly jealous and B and C get closer because of the time they spend together in the lie. They become good friends and have a lot in common. It isn't until the dance when they share a moment that they realize dating for real might be nice.

4) A and B are best friends but when A begins dating someone new, Person C, it leaves B feeling weird and left out. They begin to feel jealous of C and wanting to spend time with A. A begins missing B but feels obligated to spend more time with C. When they're at the dance and Person B sees C kiss A they feel weird about it and talk to their guidance counselor chaperoning the dance who informs them that they might like Person A more than they think they do. When they see A at school Monday they ask them if they can talk. A tells B they broke up with C and that dating just felt weird. When B admits they might like A, Person A is happy that B feels the same way. They share a kiss and decide to go to the next dance together.

5) Person A is devastated when Person B dumps them to date someone else. Person C comforts them and decides to help take their mind off of it by going on adventures and sneaking out of their houses at night to ride bikes at the lake. They find duck eggs and begin to watch them over the next few weeks until they hatch. The two of them grow closer and C helps A realize that they're better off without Person B. The two become best friends and end up regularly feeding the ducks at night together and decide to name the two baby ducks after each other. When they both reach to grab food for the babies they end up touching hands and getting embarrassed until A asks if it's okay if they hold hands. C agrees and the two hold hands and watch the sun rise together as the ducks swim around the pond together.

I probably listened to this song like five times and I just could not think of anything serious. This song is the most middle school shit I've ever heard. It's not a bad song, I just couldn't think of anything other than middle school kids being dramatic as hell because they're getting dumped for the first time and crying about a two week relationship like it's the end of the world for them.

[theflannelwizard]

Miss Simian teaches the Special Accommodations class

First off, I would like to say that I am neurodivergent, and most of these headcanons are based off my own experiences. If I do accidentally phrase something in a way that offends you, please let me know so I can fix it! Thanks to @onceuponymous to chatting with me about this before I posted it! I will also say that TAWOG is my current hyper fixation, so this might end up being a rather long post! I’ll try to use bold and italics so my fellow neurodivergent fans have an easier time reading it if they want to :)

I think Miss Simian’s class is full of the neurodivergent kids in Elmore Jr. High. This would explain why Darwin and Gumball are in the same class, despite being two years apart in age, and why they are so blind to the rest of the school. They have their routine and their class, and they are purposefully on a separate schedule than the other students. This would also explain why Gumball and Darwin are so frequently sent to the guidance counselor for their outbursts instead of to the principal.

Almost all if not all of the students in her class exhibit common symptoms of neurodivergence, including (but not limited to) having trouble communicating, hyper fixating or having special interests, masking or feeling like the world won't like, understand, or accept them if they don’t put on a persona, fidgeting or stimming, having trouble with focus, expressing emotion intensely or in unique ways, and either adhering to a strict schedule or behaving impulsively.

Let’s start with trouble communicating. This is an obvious and easy one- almost none of Gumball’s classmates communicate in a neurotypical fashion. Juke and William have extreme trouble communicating verbally, and although Juke realizes this, he keeps trying but is unable to “switch” himself to an easily understood language. William doesn’t even realize he is unheard until Gumball declares he is silent.  Banana Joe, Bobert, Sussie, and Jamie all speak in special dialects or patterns that are understandable but set them apart from what would be considered “normal.” Jamie’s is the least obvious, but I would argue that her reliance on threats, often delivered using the same formula, is a unique speech pattern that could have developed in part due to her parentage/home life and in part due to trouble communicating. Gumball has no problem with speaking in an understandable way, but he does have trouble expressing his emotions- he either locks them down or goes over the top with grand declarations and gestures. Likewise, Darwin is able to express himself rather clearly, but he canonically has trouble “learning facial expressions” and is often blind to sarcasm and manipulation, as are many of his classmates. Some students are on the end of the spectrum where they may not have trouble speaking, but they do have trouble reading social cues. For example, Molly is eager to talk to her friends, but can’t always tell whether they are engaged with her stories and doesn’t know when to stop talking. Sarah doesn’t have a clear understanding of boundaries, and neither do Tobias, Sussie, Banana Joe, Teri, Tina, Clayton, Ocho, Gumball, or Alan (despite having good intentions, he often fails to set boundaries for himself, and that’s just as important to notice as those who intrude or don’t understand boundaries for others). In fact, I would argue the entire class has, at some point, shown that they have trouble setting or anticipating healthy boundaries. Once boundaries have been clearly set, they usually are able and willing to respect them, but they can’t always tell on their own what another person is okay with.

Now for hyper fixations and special interests. I would say Teri is one of the most obvious here, with her extensive knowledge of germs and cleanliness. She’s more than just a germaphobe, she has studied hygiene and is obsessive to a point of rarely talking about anything else. Alan could likely be fixated on activism or the general concept of goodness, working overtime to make himself into the most helpful and positive person he can be. Sarah’s fangirl persona goes hand in hand with a fixation on comics, anime, and/or manga. I would even say Carrie’s intense dedication to goth/emo culture could be considered a special interest, and Leslie has a similar relationship to fashion, beauty, and the (heavily coded) LGBT community. Tobias’ obsession with video games has canonically gotten so intense that he neglected basic needs such as sleep- a classic example of hyper fixation. 

As far as masking and persona goes, many of the points I’m about to make could be seen as simple stereotyping to make the characters distinct. I choose to interpret it differently. Gumball, Penny, Tobias, Carrie, Masami, Tina, Clayton, and Ocho have all had arcs or significant moments where they were either revealed to have interests or personality traits that were in direct contrast with their outward persona or revealed to think people wouldn’t like “the real them” as much as the act they put on. For example, Penny was terrified to come out of her shell, Tina doesn’t intend to be a bully but comes off as one due to her menacing mask (for self protection, perhaps, so she doesn’t get bullied herself?), and Ocho admits he has trust issues due to being used for his uncles and not respected unless he puts on an intense and aggressive front. Other students build their identities around a single aspect of themself, either something that they find important or something that they expect will be liked or respected. Tobias, Leslie, Carrie, Alan, Jamie, Tina, Idaho, Sarah, Bobert, Banana Joe, and Masami fall easily into stereotypes and seem to be glad to do so. Clayton goes so far as to commit identity theft simply so no one will see his true self and dislike him. Clayton’s compulsive lying is also a symptom of ADHD.

I’m not going to write a whole paragraph on fidgeting/stimming and focus, because I don’t think there’s too much to analyze or dissect there, but if you go back and watch any episode, you’ll likely notice that many of the characters are easily distracted and/or have unique body movements, postures, or phrases that they tend to repeat. I also think impulsivity and routine is so important to the plot that it doesn’t need to be discussed, but was worth a brief mention.

Let’s talk about emotions! Gumball has the classic neurodivergent experience of either bottling up his emotions with no idea how to express them or going over the top with grand declarations and gestures. He feels things very intensely, as shown by his often dramatic reactions, but isn’t always sure how to process or express them. Darwin is always on one extreme of that scale, with no filter as to how he expresses and feels things. He is unafraid to cry in public, declare that something makes him feel good or bad, or say very bluntly what needs to be done to make him feel better (eg declaring he responds well to positive reinforcement- that sounds like therapist or guidance counselor language to me! Good job, Darwin! I wish I was as clear as you!). Likewise, Penny is prone to meltdowns after she breaks out of her shell, and she is so intensely emotional that she messes up her (likely well-rehearsed) cheer tryout due to being rejected by Gumball, and her physical form changes based on emotion. Banana Joe, Carrie, Masami, Sarah, arguably Anton, Carmen, Teri, Tina, Hector, and Sussie also express their intense emotions in big and obvious ways. Some examples include Masami’s meltdown in The Storm, Teri’s tendency to faint or cry, Carmen’s outburst (possibly a meltdown or breakdown) at her old school, and Tina’s tendency to use violence and anger as a first response when upset, even in “small” ways. (Note- I put small in quotes because something like being told it’s a waste of time to get piano lessons might not feel small to her, and could indeed warrant chasing and attacking Gumball.) On the other side of the scale, we have characters like Alan, Idaho, Bobert, Molly, Leslie, and Hector (again, as he behaves differently with or without his music box), who are capable of being dramatic or expressing emotion, but won’t acknowledge their feelings directly and might even be perceived as not having (many) emotions. For instance, Bobert is often referred to as not having emotions or not being a real person, a harmful stereotype against autistic folks, which is increased by the fact that he is a robot, which autistic folks are sometimes unfairly compared to. Alan is seemingly incapable of feeling negative emotions, to the point where his loss of hope wrecks Elmore, implying that he has a mental or emotional block from feeling and expressing these emotions. Molly references her “special dark place,” implying that she does get emotionally or sensorially overwhelmed, but has no way to express her needs (or lacks the confidence to do so) and would rather remove herself from a situation. Leslie is the most dramatic of the characters with emotional blocks or low emotional expression, but I would argue that since he never openly owns or discusses his emotions, (verbally or otherwise,) and instead turns to petty drama or denial, he also belongs in this category.

TL;DR: Most if not all of Miss Simian’s students exhibit classic symptoms of neurodivergence, be it autism, adhd, or both. Hopefully the many (x character) has (x diagnosis) posts I’ve seen floating around can supplement this theory! And of course, if you don’t buy this interpretation or just don’t like it, you don’t have to agree with me! But I think the idea of TAWOG having a majority neurodivergent cast is comforting, fun, and canon-compliant. :)