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anashins · 4 years ago

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Play Me Like Your Guitar

Title: Play Me Like Your Guitar

Pairing: Jaehyun x You

Genre: band!AU, romance, smut, a sprinkle of drama

Warnings: finger play, handjob, protected sex, FLUFF and teasing

Word Count: 6.197

Summary: In order to improve your guitar skills, you decide to take private lessons to get accepted into a newly formed band. But the first lesson does not go the way you have imagined at all.

Jaehyun had sex like he played the guitar - rhythmic, steady, precise, and with a proficiency that no one dared to doubt.

_______

You looked into the eyes of a boy around your age, his gaze reflecting as much surprise as your own expression must have given away after he had opened the door for you.

His dark brown hair was messily pushed back and he was wearing a pair of washed-out ripped jeans with a simple white v-necked t-shirt. A silver necklace was adorning his neck, trailing down to his revealed collarbones until the delicate string of chains ended behind his clothe's fabric where an oddly shaped pendant silhouetted against his shirt.

Your gaze wandered up again and you noticed that his expression had changed. He was grinning slyly at you, and where the door had only been slightly ajar before, it was now opened completely so that you could get a view of the apartment's interior behind him.

“Hi!” he greeted you joyfully. “Are you here for the guitar lesson? You’re very early.”

“Uhm… yes.” You took a short, but decent bow before starting an apology, “I’m sorry for the inconvenience with my early appearance. I just didn’t want to be late.”

You had never been to this part of the town before, and since it was your first lesson, you didn’t want to leave a bad impression at your tutor.

Actually, you had been very unsure whether to really come or not, but your ambition had driven you to take the opportunity and accept the offer of this guitar-playing student that was pinned on your college’s bulletin board, who was willing to teach advanced learners for an affordable amount of money.

When you had been going up the stairs of the apartment complex, it was anxiousness and insecurity that accompanied you, because the thoughts whether he was someone nice who taught with patience or someone who would scold you every time were keeping you up at night.

But your first impression of him was not bad at all. Absolutely not.

“No problem,” he assured you and made a welcoming gesture to invite you in his apartment. “I’m Jaehyun, your tutor.”

You nodded thankfully, introduced yourself as well and followed Jaehyun into his apartment, your huge bag with your acoustic guitar on your back. It was a neat flat, modernly furnished, and you seated yourself on the couch in the middle of the room as you put down your bag, just now perceiving the other acoustic guitar, hanging on the wall in the corner of the room.

“You’re also playing the acoustic guitar?” you asked curiously, and he nodded.

“Sometimes, but I’m more of an electric guitar player,” your tutor explained as he seated himself beside you.

As though he had broken the ice with this information, you shifted around to face him with your brightest smile. “So, you play in a band?”

“Yeah, occasionally,” he said casually.

“That’s awesome!” you returned. “I want to audition for a band next week. They are looking for a new guitarist and I’ve always wanted to join a group instead of playing only for myself. I saw a notice on the college’s bulletin board and just thought why not? I’ve been playing the guitar for 8 years already, though I’ve taken a hiatus for like a year and only laid a hand on it last week again. I’m not very sure whether my skills are up to par enough to be accepted since I think I’ve gotten quite rusty, which is why I want to take some lessons to improve myself.”

Jaehyun chuckled lightly as his lips tilted up to form a smirk, and for a moment, you thought that you might have overwhelmed him with too much information that didn’t interest him at all, luring out mockery.

“Cool,” he just answered and seemed to shrug it off instantly so that you almost felt regret for having talked to him so bluntly right away. He nodded in the direction of your guitar bag. “Want to show me what you're capable of?”

You nodded directly, slightly ashamed over your sudden outburst since he didn't seem so interested in it anyway, and reached out for your bag in front of your feet. Zipping it open, you pulled out your guitar, and with a certain carefulness, you placed it on your lap, grabbing the fingerboard with your left hand and holding the body with the other.

“I’ll quickly tune it up,” you explained.

Jaehyun nodded again, watching you fiddling with the neck of the guitar as you changed the positions of the tuning keys by turning them to get the right strains on the strings for the certain note. You plucked on each string a few times until the note sounded right in your ears and moved on to the next one until you were finished.

Satisfied, you turned aside to ask Jaehyun, “Shall I just start playing something randomly now or—“

But within a second, he had moved forward to take the same position as you. He wound his arms around each side of your body and grabbed on the guitar himself, his left hand over your own on the fingerboard and his right hand over yours on the guitar body, his chest pressed against your back and his face right beside yours as his voice whispered huskily, “This tone doesn’t sound quite right.”

You startled and your body stiffened as you felt him so close to you. Not daring to make a single move or to even take a short breath, you just sat there and perceived every little movement he did; how his fingers brushed over yours and plucked the strings, how his soft breath was always next to your ear, how his body leaned against yours, holding you in a half-embrace.

Unwillingly, your own body became weak, and it was undeniable due to the closeness of your tutor.

“I fixed it,” Jaehyun then declared firmly, pulling you out of your thoughts that had only revolved around him as he withdrew himself from you.

Feeling like if he had noticed your short absence as he grinned at you, you quickly turned your gaze away as you flushed a little and grabbed on your guitar a little firmer now that his hands on yours were gone.

You couldn’t deny the fact that the position in which you both had been before felt very pleasant, evoking feels in you that you had been missing out on for quite a time. And now that he had withdrawn himself, you actually felt like missing the embrace from before.

“Just quickly show me what you are capable of and we’ll figure out what you’re lacking in,” Jaehyun suggested and automatically, you nodded obediently.

Still overwhelmed by the act from before and a bit confused, you held your guitar rather awkwardly like you were unskilled, and as you plucked on the strings, the melody of the song you actually wanted to play sounded totally different from what you had in mind. It was like all the years of learning the instrument had been blown away, leaving you unskilled but with a mind full of something or better say someone else.

You weren’t with your thoughts by the act you actually needed to perform anymore, and it was all because of your tutor who was rather hot, you finally admitted to yourself.

Jaehyun chuckled light-heartedly and moved close to you again, looping his arms around you and pressing his body against to yours like before. And just like he had moved a lever with it, your heart suddenly started to pound faster, making a sudden hotness wash through your body that evoked a sizzling fire between you two.

His skin brushed over yours as he plucked the strings, his arms softly and rhythmically moving against yours, his face next to yours with his cheek almost touching your ear as he hummed the song he was playing.

“You need to pluck a little lighter,” he whispered, playing the same short melody over and over again.

But the melody couldn’t bother you less at that moment since you weren’t paying attention to the things he did to the guitar but rather the things he did with you.

You held your breath when he suddenly stopped, afraid that he would withdraw again like he had done before – but he didn’t. Instead, you perceived him shifting, and you instantly got goose bumps as you felt his lips brushing over your earlobe. The strength in your hands suddenly vanished and your body became utterly weak again. If Jaehyun hadn’t hold the guitar at that moment, it would’ve dropped on the ground, and truthfully you wouldn’t even care a bit.

“The strings are very sensitive which is why you don’t need to pluck so hard,” your tutor muttered, and every word that found its way into your ear made you melt away in his arms.

He was so close, and each move of his lips against your skin sent shivers down your spine.

“What are your sensitive spots?” he asked suddenly.

Although you couldn’t see his expression right now, you could swear that he was grinning while questioning you. Taken aback by this bold question, you didn’t know what to answer first, lowering your head and swallowing hard.

“That’s… not a part of the lesson,” you tried to fight, but inwardly you knew that, if he would truly make a move, you would lose.

“Well,” he started, not making a move to even slightly change his position, “you said you wanted to have lessons to improve yourself… but you didn’t say in what topic.”

“What—“

“I’m not only good in playing the guitar, you know,” he cut you off.

But before you could even get the chance to return something, you were interrupted again by Jaehyun tugging on your hair to tilt your head a bit. You let out a hearable gasp as he placed his mouth on the side of your neck and left a soft kiss right there.

Your grip around the guitar’s fingerboard became tighter when he began to suck harshly on your neck, even taking some skin between his teeth to nibble playfully on that spot. A ticklish, yet excited feeling spread through your limbs and filled you up to your last fiber, leaving you in disappointment as you felt him pulling his lips back.

“Number one found,” Jaehyun chuckled into your ear.

Before you could happen to think properly again, you opened your mouth to let out another gasp that got stuck in your throat and rendered you silent. He had wandered with his free hand under your shirt, slowly sliding his fingertips along your naked skin, and every inch that he moved over, made you shiver pleasantly.

He stopped at the area of your navel, rubbing circular patterns around that spot that made you chuckle slightly due to the ticklish feeling. Although he had the rough fingertips of a guitarist, you didn’t notice anything of this at all. His touches were soft and tender and utterly careful.

Satisfied with himself, Jaehyun stated, “Number two found.”

Within seconds, you found his lips placed on the side of your neck again while his hand was holding your body tightly against his, his palms still resting on your naked tummy under your shirt. He sucked on your sensitive spot but didn’t concentrate on there only. He kissed upwards, soft lips caressing your skin as you bent your head aside to give him more space.

You fluttered your lids, trying to gather serious thoughts as you muttered, “But the guitar le—“

“Right,” Jaehyun returned instantly, withdrew his hand that had kept you close to him and grabbed the guitar to place it carefully on the table.

He turned around and kneeled in front of you as he held on either side of your thighs to move you closer to him. He spread your legs and seated himself on the ground between them, letting his palms rest on your thighs, only the thin fabric of your pants hindering you from meeting skin on skin.

“I mean the lesson—“ You tried again.

But he reached out his hands and held on each side of your face as he pulled you down to him, your faces so close to each other that only an inch prevented your lips from meeting one another. Your eyes reflected insecurity, confusion, but also excitement and anticipation.

“Your body is telling me that you want me to help you improve in other topics.”

And with that, Jaehyun pulled you in for a kiss.

It was a rather chaste and less demanding kiss in the beginning, one that was testing the waters as he massaged your lips as softly as he had done on your neck before, experimenting how far he could go first. You were hesitant as well, returning his kisses with slight, almost unnoticeable movements.

But it was not too long before you reached out your hands to grab on his shoulders for hold before you opened your lips fully, giving him consent to continue and deepen the kiss. You could feel him smiling as he pulled you so close that your chests almost touched.

His tongue smoothly rolled with yours before he licked over your lower lip, nibbling on the flesh and heating you up even more like that before pushing his tongue back into you. Faster than you thought, you got carried away with the kiss, as it was one of the kind that you had never experienced that intensely before.

So you didn’t notice how Jaehyun had hooked your ankles around his waist and lifted you off the couch with both his hands carrying your body by holding onto your bum.

Within the next moment, he had placed you onto his bed after removing your shirt and pants, leaving you only in your underwear as he positioned himself on top of you. You watched in awe how he got rid of his shirt, grabbing onto the hem of the clothing to pull it over his head in one swift movement, leaving his hair in such a sexy mess that you couldn’t turn your gaze away from him.

Jaehyun smirked sexily, obviously aware of the effect he had on you. When he bent down to you, you reached out and entwined your fingers around the pendant of his necklace, pulling him closer to you to capture his lips.

As he returned the kiss passionately, you traced your fingers along his chest, running your fingertips down his naked skin. Under your touch, you could feel him shiver slightly, making your realize that he felt exactly the same that you did when he touched your own body; excitement, anticipation, but also a hint of insecurity.

With a quick movement, you made you both change your positions so that you were sitting on Jaehyun's lap now, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear as you fiddled with the zipper of his jeans. His erection was already straining against his pants. Your tutor let out a mischievous laughter as you threw a curious gaze at him, slightly taken aback and insecure whether you were doing the right thing.

But he only said, “Doesn’t look like that I need to teach you anymore.”

Jaehyun was obviously surprised, but satisfied with what you were doing. Grinning back at him, you pulled his pants down his thighs, revealing a huge visible tent that was kept hidden underneath the thick fabric. You tugged on the hem of his boxers, freeing his cock that instantly slapped back on his stomach.

“Touch me,” Jaehyun pleaded, and where you had watched his boner in awe before, he had pulled you out of your thoughts now and you nodded, willing to fulfill him this wish.

Tenderly, you grabbed hold of his cock on the base and slowly moved your hand along his length all the way up. You heard a relieved sigh and as you lifted your head to look at Jaehyun, he had his head rolled back while an arm was put over his forehead, covering half of his face.

By the time you’ve reach his tip, brushing with your thumb over the sensitive spot, a low groan came out of his mouth, and you perceived him gritting his teeth, then biting on his lower lip as he stretched out his arms, but kept his eyes shut close.

Somehow, it made you really proud of what you were able to do with him, so you took it a little further. You continued sliding your hand up and down his length while the other hand massaged the area around his base. In the beginning, your pace was rather slow and soft, but as Jaehyun let out a long-lasting moan and an even louder “Fuck!” you decided to tease him even a little more.

You increased your pace, sliding up and down rhythmically, fast and steady, feeling him growing even more under your palms, if that was possible.

It was only moments later when the first drops of his precum was built on his tip that you took the opportunity to lower your head and deliciously let your tongue lick over his head to sip it all up. But as you parted your lips to take him into your mouth fully, Jaehyun had already flipped you over and pinned you against the mattress with his entire weight, making it impossible for you to move anymore.

“Enough,” he breathed, sweat glistening on his forehead as he hovered over you. “It’s my turn. I am the tutor.”

He lifted your body up a bit by reaching with both of his hands under your back to unhook your bra which he then took off and tossed on the ground. He touched your left breast, first on the top slope before he lifted his hand and only run the fingertips across the mound. You mewled quietly to his touches, your nipples hardening as Jaehyun rolled his fingers around your sensitive spot.

“Another one found,” he muttered, a smile forming on his lips as his warm hand closed around your breast.

It was fully hefted into his palms before he brought up his free hand and did the same to the other breast. Placing himself fully between your legs, you felt his hard-on twitching between your thighs, only the thin fabric of your lace panties keeping your intimate parts from finding each other.

Your own body started to twitch under his as Jaehyun lowered his head and licked with his tongue over your left breast, leaving a path of saliva and making you cry out louder than you had intended. Slyly grinning, he blew over that spot, causing your curved skin to form goose bumps due to the coldness of his liquid. Bending further, he embraced your nipple with his soft lips and sucked on it harshly, but carefully as your hands found their ways to his head to look for a grip by burying your fingers in his silky hair.

Jaehyun showed a certain proficiency as he played with your breasts, kissing around the nub that he had made sensitive and placing tender kisses around the area before he got back to teasing you again, even biting slightly into it which made you cry out once more. Not because of the pain though, but because you were craving for more and for him to finally go further.

Your pink tips shuddered under his touches, but when you threw your head back to glory his mouth play a bit more, it was something else that made you shriek.

Jaehyun had bucked his hips purposely so that his revealed boner was now sliding across your still hidden core, and where you had been only wet before, you were dripping now.

“Let’s see whether this is a sensitive spot too.”

“What?!”

Your eyes widened in question, but Jaehyun said nothing. He laid himself fully on top of you, his chest on your chest, the cold metal of his necklace touching your still heated skin as he shifted his position and fixated his weight on only one side of his body. Nonetheless he managed to pull you in for a kiss which didn’t last long because you broke it instantly and breathed for air.

“Yes, there too,” Jaehyun said confidently when your entire body flinched as his thumb pressed on your clit, massaging it in circular motions.

You threw your head back, your body arched and you dug your nails into his shoulders as pleasant shudders ran down your spine right to your toes while he worked magic on your body, playing with it precisely.

Instinctively, you brought your legs together as your tutor dragged his middle finger along your covered folds, your next moan getting swallowed in his mouth as he wandered upwards again, repeating this movement a few times until you were dripping in his hand and your panties soaking.

“Spread your legs,” he commanded and you reacted obediently, although it was very hard to do so when he was still playing with you around there.

You threw your head aside, your upper body lifting off the mattress as your back arched. Jaehyun had pushed two fingers into you, and just as your thighs wanted to react like before, squeezing shut, he now rested one arm on your inner leg, keeping your limbs separated that way.

He worked slowly in the beginning, sliding in and out lewdly, teasing you and smiling over every moan that fell from your lips, but as he increased his pace, pumping in and out of you with a certain force on the right spots, your legs began to flinch uncontrollably under his, announcing the upcoming release to which he drove you further with his finger play.

Then, Jaehyun withdrew his fingers and sat up, leaving your core still twitching hotly, missing his touches already. His hair was messier than before due to your own fingers running through his curls and as he looked up, throwing a gaze at you, you couldn’t help but to smile at each other.

Jaehyun then raised his finger, licking the juice all up, and you actually happened to think that this was the sexiest scene you had ever seen. The look he threw at you was filled with lust and anticipation for the upcoming act, but also with a certain kindness and esteem towards you.

He had worked on your body like a guitar, playing the sensitive strings with precision, but deliberately and gently, exactly knowing where to work to lure out the best sounds of you. His finger play was the work of a very experienced guitar player, his fingertips rough, but he still knew how to use them to make you feel good.

He made you the instrument while he was the player, turning you completely obedient to each of his motions.

Jaehyun then bent his head and peppered butterfly kisses in between your breasts, tracing them downwards along your stomach, then to your navel, your groin, and even further till he reached the hem of your panties. Seating himself up again, he took your legs and laid them over his shoulder, tugging on your panties that he then slid off your legs and tossed it, with the rest of his own clothes, to the ground. Reaching over you, he opened the drawer of his nightstand and took out a condom that he unpacked and rolled over his erection.

Jaehyun placed himself back on top of you, his cock twitching between your inner thighs in anticipation as you could already feel his tip at your entrance. You two kept close eye contact as he pushed himself into you, not too fast, but slowly and carefully since he didn’t know how he would fit into you yet. Studying every change your expression made, he watched you sighing in relief when he glided in, the reaction assuring him that you were okay.

He stretched you with every inch he plunged in, making you dig your nails deeper into his back. As he eased himself in you, you perceived how good the way he filled you up felt, making you feel completed. Your bodies just matched perfectly.

You bucked your hips impatiently, catching your tutor off guard for a moment by sending pleasure down his body and making him lose his control for a short time. But after he had found his position again, leaning over you, he let out a short laughter as if he surely wanted to take this competition.

Jaehyun's arms were propped on either side of your head on the pillow as he began to move. And this time, he didn’t start slowly like all of his acts before, and you thanked him for this inwardly since he had heated up the both of you with his promising foreplay already.

Jaehyun had sex like he played the guitar - rhythmic, steady, precise, and with a proficiency that no one dared to doubt.

He thrusted into you with a certain force, but never too harsh to make you cry out in pain or too fast to hinder you from enjoying it. He plunged in and out of you, his hips steadily grinding against yours. You met his pace by moving your own hips with his rhythm, increasing the sensation that was built between the both of you in your connected parts.

He had moved an arm under your back, lifting up your body a bit while you had rolled your head back, revealing your sensitive neck area that Jaehyun was now caressing with kisses as he dipped his head, planting passionate smooches and every now and then soft pecks onto your skin.

Every time Jaehyun slid out and needed too long for your impatient body to push back in, you unknowingly scratched his back, crying out his name, wanting even more, and by the third time, he came to know your cravings all to well and do this on purpose just to have you call out his name over and over again “Jaehyun… Jaehyun… Jaehyun…!!”

He took his other hand to reach down to your thigh and wound your leg around his waist, bringing your sweaty bodies together, his chest brushing against your breasts, every movement luring a mewl out of your mouth while his hot breath was close to your ear, his breathing pace increasing as each thrust passed. He plunged in and out, your body becoming an entangled mess, your lips craving for more kisses and your skin craving for more touches.

Jaehyun's chest parted from yours as he brought his upper body up to grab on the headboard, ready for the climax. You studied in amazement how his majestic chest, covered in glistening sweat, rose in front of your sight, how he increased his pace and closed his eyes, and you took all of his rough poundings as he lowered his head and released a loud groan that was followed by a few quieter ones, shudders running down his spine as he released himself into you.

Against your expectations, he didn’t let go of you yet. He wanted you to come now as well. Within the next second, he had lifted you off the mattress, causing you to let out a surprised “Ah!” and had you placed on his lap in a seating position as he held your body firmly against his.

You looped your arms around his neck and dipped your head, resting your forehead on his shoulder as he thrusted upwards, more forceful than he had done before, but the effect was incredible. Your moans got muffled in the crook of his neck as your body bounced on his thighs steadily. He held onto your hips to keep them down as he rotated his own in circular motions, purposely focused on stimulating your clit by grinding against you, and as he began thrusting again, you came as well with one hard jolt of his that was followed by several other ones while he let you ride it out.

And as you did come in shudders that sent spasms down to your body, with your head thrown back, with your hands holding onto Jaehyun's shoulders, with your legs wounded around his waist and with Jaehyun embracing your body to not let you fall over, you let out the tone that was the most pleasant one in his ears – the one of you calling out his name: “Jaehyun…”

You were still naked in bed as Jaehyun came back with his guitar and seated himself beside you. You wrapped the blanket around your body and brought your legs close to your chest to rest your chin on your knees and listened to him playing. You had your eyes closed in the beginning, listening to the wonderful melodies he created with the instrument, absorbing every note of it, trying to remember and memorize every single accord and tone.

You were carried away by the magic of the moment and truthfully, you didn’t want him to ever stop playing again.

Peeking through strands of your hair, you secretly caught a glimpse at him and your heart started to flutter when you saw him sitting there, half-naked and utterly sexy, his messy hair now down and framing his face; his expression was concentrating, his gaze fixated on the guitar, yet he had time to quickly look up and return your soft expression.

Flushing, you lowered your gaze again as your heart throbbed fast against your chest, but it wasn’t quick enough to not have perceived the smile that he was flashing at you and in secrecy, you smiled back.

As he was finished with the song, Jaehyun put the guitar aside and shifted his sight at you, the kind smile still lingering around his lips.

“Too bad that we couldn’t come to the lesson anymore,” he said, but you both started to chuckle simultaneously because the sentence was filled with pure sarcasm to which the truth you both couldn’t deny.

“So… Your time is still not over,” he grinned slyly and moved towards you, his hands on your waist as he approached you. “How about some extra lessons then?”

You welcomed him happily with an open-mouthed kiss as he gently pushed you back onto the mattress, placing your head on the pillow and himself between your legs. As he seated himself up to remove his boxers for the next round, you saw it.

You saw it clearly and you didn’t know why you hadn't noticed it before. The oddly shaped pendant on his necklace was not some sort of a cryptic modern jewelry that one could not exactly define. It was a letter in capitals.

The letter “T”.

Within a moment that didn’t even last a single second, your view on this whole situation changed as the world, in which you had been living in the past hour, broke down.

You didn’t know why you had let yourself lure into this situation in the first place. Perhaps, it was his charm, the magic of the moment or your own craving for physical attention. And even if it was all three of them, it wouldn’t explain why the news now hurt so much since feelings weren’t involved in the first place anyways.

But the thought that Jaehyun had most likely a girlfriend, a girl so precious that he was always wearing her around his neck, just shattered you for reasons you couldn’t exactly define. And by the time he had perceived your changed mien, you realized that it utterly bothered you that it wasn’t your name he was wearing on his necklace after you had shared such a beautiful moment.

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun asked worriedly, his expression as lost as yours.

You pushed him from top of you and moved to the side of the bed to collect your clothes.

“I need to go,” you quickly said, trying to sound as normal and strong as you could.

At first, it seemed like Jaehyun let you go willingly, but after you were fully dressed and wanted to leave his room, he grabbed for your wrist and made you stay.

“What’s wrong?” he repeated again, demanding an answer.

But you didn’t want him to triumph over another trophy by turning around and let yourself get humiliated.

So you just freed your arm with one fast jolt and left the apartment as fast as possible. You didn’t even waste time by putting your guitar back in the bag as you just grabbed each item and left the apartment before Jaehyun could even catch up on you.

By the time he had reached the living room, he just perceived the noise of the door falling shut, and when opened it again to call out for your name, you were already running down the stairs as fast as you could, sudden tears blocking your view which you frantically blinked away.

You didn’t stop running until a few blocks down the street, exhausted, tired and your heart so sad that you could barely breathe.

When you pulled open the door to the rehearsal room, you were actually surprised that there weren't many people auditioning as well. To be exact: There was no other person aside from you.

You pulled out the paper from the bulletin board with the date and time of the audition, but except for the fact that you were early as always, they were absolutely correct. Insecurely, you stepped in and closed the door behind you.

Immediately, a boy around your age came towards you, greeting you happily with a decent bow. “Hello, are you y/n?”

You nodded, surprised over his sudden happiness to see you. “Yes. Am I right here for the audition? Because I don’t see anyone else.”

“That’s because there won’t be anyone else,” he announced with a smile. “You’re our new member.”

“What?” Your eyes widened in surprise, unsure of whether you had heard right, and that was why the guy repeated,

“You’re our new guitarist. Congratulations!”

“What about the audition? The other applicants?”

“They’ve gotten rejected by our leader beforehand already,” he explained.

“Seriously? Why?”

“Because I said so.”

The voice that cut off your conversation was coming from another direction and oddly, it seemed very familiar.

As you turned around, you were facing a boy standing beside other two, a boy that you had been trying so hard to forget during the past days, but had never entirely succeeded in doing so.

And as your gaze fell on the pendant of his necklace again, everything fell together, relief and realization hitting you. Suddenly, you felt so much longing for him that you just wanted to run towards him and let him take you into his arms.

Like he had heard your thoughts, Jaehyun approached you and put an arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to him and placing a fond kiss on your temple.

“She’s mine,” he announced to his three fellow band mates, “so don’t you dare laying a hand on her, right?”

A moment later, after a playful quarrel between the boys and the introduction of each of you, you were seated in front of the small stage in their rehearsal room, Jaehyun standing in front of you, playing the guitar and singing, the guy who had greeted you was on the drums, another played the bass and the last one was on the keyboard. In order to get to know them more as a band and their music since you would join them as their new guitarist, they had deiced to give you a private concert.

Although you were trying to memorize and enjoy the songs, your eyes were almost always with Jaehyun.

Neither of you held yourselves back to hide the affection between you both with longing gazes that had only gotten more intensive during your time of separation. Jaehyun's slender body moved slowly and rhythmically to the music, his electric guitar always firmly in his hands as he shook his head to each tone he was playing, his hair messily swirling around.

But what specifically caught your attention today was his voice as he sang. You hadn't known that he was the lead singer as well which was another reason why you were especially drawn to him now. He had a rather deep singing voice, yet a very smooth and soft one which never got shaky regardless of the notes he needed to hit.

Jaehyun held onto the microphone as he stopped playing every now and then to concentrate on the singing, closing his eyes to hit the right notes, and every time he opened them, you were the first thing he looked at.

You knew that there were many things you needed to talk over.

First of all, you owed him an apology, but you also knew that there was much time left for you both. Now that you were playing in the same band, you’d spend more time together - time that would be filled with lessons in the rehearsal room.

Real guitar lessons in his living room, improvised guitar lessons in between the sheets and promising dates to get to know each other more.

Because T actually stood for the name of his band, but T could also stand for Together.

#jaehyun #jung jaehyun #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun smut #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun x you #nct imagines #nct scenarios #jaehyun x reader #nct 127 imagines #nct smut #nct x reader #kpop scenarios #kpop x you #kpop imagines #my writing #one shot

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gumilac · 3 years ago

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promise? promise. │ hq one-shot

ღ pairings: kuroo tetsuro x reader

ღ word count: 2.9k

ღ genre: angst, angst, and fluff

ღ warning/s: eating disorder (not specified but mentioned), self-harm (again, not specified but it is mentioned), self-doubt and loathing, confession? swearing, family issues

a/n: i go on hiatus only to come back and i give you this very angsty BUT fluff, if you squint your eyes, fic. i'll probably vanish after again, but i am working on a really massive fic that'll probably contain several parts so watch out for that?? or this may be the massive fic i'm talking abt, ion know ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and my apologies for the very sensitive topics anw enjoy lmaosjkadkasj

bzzt!! bzzt!!

That's the second time your phone rang, you don't even know who's calling not bothering to know who it is. Sighing deeply, you hesitantly get off your bed to walk to your desk where your phone was. Picking it up, you flip it over to see the caller ID.

2 missed calls chemisro :p

"Huh, I wonder what he wants," you open your phone to call him back. It didn't even take one ring for him to answer the phone.

"Hang out with me," You were taken aback by his suddenness, having just answered the phone. Judging by his tone, it was more of an order really, than a question. It was like you had no choice even if you said no. Well, it's Kuroo. He's always straightforward, what he shows is what you get. Maybe you get a little more, but you're not sure.

"Wow, hello to you too," he laughs sheepishly, and by the tone of his voice, you can see him rub the back of his neck feeling a little embarrassed.

"Heh, I mean," there's a pause, "wanna come hang out with me?"

You laugh softly shaking your head, "A minute ago you were ordering me to, now you ask me." Kuroo laughs, and for some reason, you hear it somewhere else other than the phone. "Sorry, got a little excited," he says after calming himself. "I can see that."

"So?", the middle blocker asks after a while. You look at the time and bit your lip before looking at your desk again, "It's not like I have much of a choice anyway, right?" Kuroo laughs softly, and you answer him, "Alright, I'm coming." You can see the way Kuroo punches his fist in the air when you said yes. "Great! I'm at your door."

What?

"What?" you ask him ludicrously. No wonder why he sounds so close.

"I'm at your door!" oh, how you can just see the smirk on his face as he tells you that. You walk over to your apartment door and you open it slightly. There he was. Kuroo was looking at his right, hand holding up his phone on his right ear, while the other was in his pocket. He hears your door creak and he looks at you, a stupidly handsome soft smile on his face. He ends the call and pockets his phone.

"Hi...", Kuroo says softly. You greet him and told him to wait outside. Changing your clothes at record time, not wanting him to wait any longer.

You walk down the port, inhaling as much of the crisp breeze your lungs could manage as you relish in the sun, the last days of summer before it turns cold, and the leaves start to fall. He looks at you, the sun casting a warm glow on your skin. You look so ethereal under this light and he wishes he can make this moment last a little longer. He takes a deep breath, he was always indecisive with his choices, and which school he should go to for college. Never really sure of anything he does— but, there is one thing he'll never doubt himself for. Even when the future looks hazy to him, there's only one that's clear to him.

He loves you.

Has loved you for as long as he can remember, and he is certain. He stops walking, putting his hands in his pocket, and calls out your name quietly. You turn to face him and he wears an expression you can't quite pinpoint what it is. You tilt your head, pressing your lips together and raising your brows. It was your way to ask Kuroo what's up.

"I have something to tell you," you had a feeling where this might be going and you didn't like it. You didn't like it at all— Kuroo runs a hand through his jet-black hair, you never really seem to understand what's going on, on top of his head. It suits him, yes, and if it weren't for the feeling you had in your gut, you would've asked Kuroo about the abomination on his head.

"I think you know what it is, and I wan-"

"Don't," you state with so much conviction it caught the middle blocker off-guard, "please don't fall in love me". You hated this, no one should love you at all, most especially Kuroo. He deserves someone so much better than... well, you. It's quiet, the tension between you two thick with the words you just uttered, and a part of you wanted to get the words and shove them back down your throat. Kuroo racks his brain as he thinks of something to say, choosing his next words carefully.

"Can I-", he starts softly, as if he was walking on eggshells, scared to push the wrong buttons that would make you hate him— He doesn't know, but there isn't anything Kuroo can do that will make you despise him—

"Can I ask... why?", he settles at that and you took a deep breath.

"Because you deserve more than this. Someone so much better than me," and it breaks Kuroo's heart to hear you say this, with no hesitation, as if you believed that this was true, which you did. You always have.

"I'm a mess, Kuroo."

"But.. you're not."

"I am."

—You never really thought highly of yourself, always felt like you were never enough for anything or anyone. Always felt like no one believed you when you spoke up, and if you did say how you feel or what's on your mind you'll be called dramatic. So you never really made it a habit to open up to anyone, scared of the fact that people will just brush it off or forget about it. What's the point right? And none of what you said really mattered so why bother?

"I'll suffocate you," you softly say as you bring your arms up to hug yourself to provide at least some sort of comfort. Kuroo wanted to hold you so bad, just wanted to wrap you around his arms and tell you that it's not true. Hold you close 'till you believed him. But he knew better than to interfere, so instead, he encouraged you to continue.

"How so?", he isn't being nosy, he thinks, he just wants to know why you'd say that so he further understands. And, he didn't mean for it to happen, but the facade you've been putting up just crumbles before him before you could even stop yourself, and everything you've been suppressing just flows out like a dam that's been broken.

"I'm problematic, okay? I have really bad trust issues, I have an eating disorder, I hate myself, I'm really really insecure and I get jealous so easily," you take a step back, "I'll be possessive, Kuroo, to the point it'll be toxic because I have trust issues and I probably won't believe you. I'll suffocate you with the constant need of me asking for validation if I'm enough."

Oh, how Kuroo just wants to vanish all your self-doubt and self-hatred. None of this matters to him, and it will never, because he loves you. He loves you. And, that's more than enough reasons to look past your flaws—

You took another step away from him and looked up at him with blurry eyes.

"And-," you took a deep breath, wondering if it's a good idea to tell him, but you've already told him everything else and by the look on his face, it seems he would like it better if you told him. So what's wrong with that? Despite it being hard to let out.

Well... maybe just this once you'll open up, believing that what you say actually matters. Maybe just this once, you'll be true, because it's Kuroo.

"I- I hurt myself," you pause before speaking softly, "when I make a mistake."

Oh.

Fuck.

That, Kuroo never knew. Looking back now, things make so much more sense now. He always wondered where you got the bruises on your arms and hands. Whenever he'd ask you about it, you'd laugh and brush it off saying, "Oh! I just hit the doorknob really hard," or, "a tumbler fell on my hand, weird right?". He actually believed you. Stupid for him to actually fall for your lies, and he curses himself for being so oblivious— You wipe your tears and look down, shuffling uncomfortably on your feet

"I'll be hard to love, Kuroo. You'll hate me."

Kuroo takes one slow stride towards you, calling out your name. You look up and the look on your face just shatters his heart into a million pieces. It's so much clearer to him now how broken you are, like a vase that fell of a table resulting in it being cracked and poorly fixed up again with clay, pieces wobbly as it holds on to dear life to stop falling.

He never knew because you were so damn well at hiding your feelings. You were always laughing, smiling, helping others even if you had so much on your plate. His heart tightens at the thought of how long you've been keeping this up. It hurts him to think how long you've been carrying this load, alone. But, you won't have to anymore. He won't let you.

"Can-," he hesitates, "can I hold you?". Your eyes widen ever so slightly, bottom lip trembling as you prepare yourself for another wave of tears. You bite your lip as you turn your gaze down, before nodding. Kuroo wastes no time in wrapping you in a comforting embrace. It feels so nice, so comforting to be held.

Growing up, no one was ever really there for you when you had problems. I mean, your family was there, but you didn't want to unload your problems to them because they had their own to deal with. Also, they didn't believe you anyway since you were the jolly, funny, happy-go-lucky kid. That's all you were. So if you had problems and told them, they never really took it seriously and called you dramatic because you're the happy kid! How could you be sad? So you only really had yourself. During middle school, you had two instances where you were taken advantage of, betrayed. It hurt you so much because, in all honesty, any type of betrayal hurts like a bitch. But, you never told anyone. You never told anyone how suffocated you felt as you cried in the middle of the night, trying so hard to silence your sobs because you roomed with your older brother not wanting to wake him up. No one knows how you felt as if thorns were wrapping around your throat as you bit back tears at school when you saw them. How your heart breaks every time because it felt as if they were taking a piece away from you when your family ignored you or interrupted you mid-sentence and never even bothered to ask you again what you were talking about—

"I'll never hate you," Kuroo starts softly, "I'm being completely honest and you probably don't believe me right now but hear me out, okay?", he gently grabs your shoulder pushing you away, but still close enough for you to feel his body heat. You nod your head as doubt bubbles in your stomach, but you ignore it and he continues.

"I love you, with all my heart."

"How do I know you're telling the truth?", your voice small from all the crying.

"Look at me," he calls out your name, leaning down to meet your eyes. You wipe your tears with the back of your hands, before looking at him. He looks breathtaking in this light. As the sun sets, it paints the sky with the beauty of mixing pink, orange, and blue hues. His hand gently takes a hold of your wrists, the other reaching up to cup your face to wipe the traces of tears and the ones that follow.

"I'll prove it to you every day if I have to," he says with so much sincerity that it overwhelms you.

"Why are you so nice? Why me, when I'm a mess?"

"Because you deserve everything," your search his eyes for doubt and uncertainty, but all that's there is the truth and love for you.

"And I'll be willing to give you the moon and stars just to show you...", tears pool on the corner of your eyes. No one has ever told you this and if they did, they never held the same amount of certainty and candor Kuroo's words have.

"You're my home, and you're the only person I'll ever run back to even if I'm lost because I know my heart will always find a way to you." Wiping away a tear that streamed down your face, "and you're not a mess, not to me. To me you're perfect, and I love you for who you are. Your flaws just prove that you're human, and it's not something I'll use to measure your worth."—

No. He should stop, you don't deserve him. Shaking your head, you break down once again.

"Enough," you sob, "please, don't love me". If there were any intact pieces left of Kuroo's heart, it was now sure to be broken beyond repair when he heard your voice, so helpless and defeated.

"Stop loving me," it was more of an order than a plead when you said it, and Kuroo uses both hands to cup your face.

"I'm sorry, but no," you were about to protest when Kuroo beat you to it. "You can't say that, these are my feelings and I'll love who I want. I know you think you shouldn't be loved but that's not true at all. Until you start to see that it's a lie, let me be here. So please," he places his forehead on yours, "at least let me love you."

You close your eyes as you take in every single word he said. It was quiet for a moment before you speak up again, voice so soft.

"I drool a lot."

Huh?

Kuroo furrows his brows at what you said and you avert your gaze down. It was your last resort to at least make Kuroo dislike you, back away and run far from you. Because who'll like someone who drools?

"That's the cutest fucking thing I've ever heard," and he smiles. It didn't work. He sighs, rubbing your cheeks with both his thumbs. He starts, voice gentle and so different from his usual teasing tone.

"You've always been there for me when I needed someone the most. You were my light in the darkest of times. You were there when I was doubting myself as a person and as the captain of Nekoma. You were there when I felt like the world turned its back against me. You were there. You were there assuring me, that I'm enough. That everything will be okay. And I feel so," he takes a deep shaky breath, "guilty, that I wasn't there for you when you needed me and I am so so so sorry for that."

It wasn't his fault, and it'll never be. You never opened up to him or to anyone for that matter. But, Kuroo, god Kuroo never failed to ask you if you were okay, he never failed to make you feel included. Kuroo closes his eyes as he fights back the tears threatening to fall.

"Yo-you don't have to reciprocate my feelings."

I want to, Kuroo.

"And you don't have to love me."

I do love you.

"but please, please depend on me. There's nothing wrong with you being strong, it's true and I admire you for that. But, at least let me be there for you."

He opens his eyes, not caring about how his tears betrayed him as it rolls down his cheeks. You wanted to wipe them away, cup his cheeks and remove that pained expression. But you yourself were busy keeping your feelings and tears at bay. His honey-golden eyes, which seemed to shine brighter whenever he was talking about something he likes, how it holds nothing but the truth and love whenever he looks at you, pierces through you.

"You don't have to tell me, but let me be there to hold you. Let me be there to wipe away your tears. Please share your burden with me, because you don't have to carry this alone. I don't want you to carry this alone anymore."

His eyes search yours for an answer, the tears rolling down his cheeks were long forgotten. He doesn't care if he's breaking down in front of you, if you're vulnerable then he'll be vulnerable with you, and only to you. He sniffs and you reach one hand out to cup his face, wiping his tears. He wastes no time in nuzzling his face further on your palm, and he sighs contently.

"Okay," you whisper, and for the first time during this whole confession, you smiled. A small one, but one that made Kuroo's heart lighten and flutter.

"Okay," you repeat softer than the last, rubbing your thumbs across his cheeks, "I will."

Kuroo removed one hand on your cheek to hold out his pinky. Childish, really, but it was something the two of you did ever since. It's special, the gesture holds so much meaning for you and for him.

"Promise?"

You nod your head softly. Connecting your pinky with his.

"Promise."

He uses his thumb to seal the promise and he smiles at you, before pulling you into a hug so tight. One hand caressing your head and the other by the waist. Your wrap your arms around his torso, and the two of you stay that way. Kuroo swaying you gently. Words were not exchanged because the two of you knew what you wanted to convey, with every squeeze and stroke.

Maybe this one time you'll lean on him and maybe, just maybe, you'll let down your walls and let him in.

#kuroo x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo x y/n #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo angst #kuroo #tetsurou #hq kuroo #haikyuu kuroo #hq #haikyuu #hq angst #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #hq fluff #fluff #headcanon

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blvvming-a · 2 years ago

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long post about personal life + where i’ve been

i kind of vanished off the face of the earth again after JUST getting back from another hiatus and i apologize for that, there’s really no other way to put it than these past few months have been really shitty for me.

Currently I’m in the midst of dealing with major financial struggles, we’ve been literally having to choose between keeping the lights on and eating. I’m trying to get back on government assistance but there is no telling how long that’ll take. I’m working on resolving issues with my landlord as well who failed my apartment during inspection due to issues that we’ve been telling them about for months. They’ve agreed to at least work with us and start repairs.

The reason this all started was because my A/C broke and they’re arguing with us that before they can fix it we needed to clean out the clutter in my living room which has been done but they still are being difficult with fixing it and now I’ve been without A/C for probably a month and the temperature is in the triple digits here. I’m not under any threat of eviction currently, but they are threatening to fine me and I do not have the money to pay for that obviously. They’re coming back on the 5th to assess the apartment again and make sure it’s been cleaned as they asked ( it has ).

There was another factor in this in the fact that I currently have more pets than I’ve listed on the lease ( they were all acquired after I moved in ) and for some reason they’re claiming that there’s a ‘two pet minimum’ ( I have never seen that section in the lease so I’m thinking they’re lying about this but not much I can do about it ). I’m not willing to get rid of my pets because they’ve been with me since they were born and it’d be very traumatic to have to suddenly rehome all of them for me and them. Hence the alternative will be hiding them which isn’t very difficult in of itself since these apartments rarely if ever actually come over but the major hurtle is going to be ensuring that they’re hidden during the 5th until the apartments complete their inspection.

So, essentially, I’ve been very, very stressed and have little energy for doing basically anything let alone writing. I’m really sorry, cause I know I just got back, all of this very much came out of the blue. Again, I’m thinking after we pass inspection everything will slow down and kind of start to return to normal until maintenance comes around to start fixing everything. As always, you can find me on discord if you just wanna chat and for people who might not have discord, I’m going to be at least checking my IMs on here. Thank you everyone whose been so patient with me these past months <3

#lost post tw #personal tw #[ ✿ ] : ooc ➜

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adorerdraco · 4 years ago

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Healing Heart ✧ Draco x Reader Mini-Series PART 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Summary: PART 5 ! of Draco accidentally falling in love with reader during his sixth year (HBP) and figuring out how to survive his new life while finding out a way to keep you in it.

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, torture, blood, death eater stuff - the usual !

Words: 7.8K

A/N: FINDING WAYS TO PROLONG THIS SERIES !!!! 😼 AND SORRY IF THERE ARE ANY MISTAKES ITS VERY LATE AND I NEVER CATCH THEM 😔 but omg my little week long hiatus I took was against my will but i’m back and healthy again and can finally think out sentences again lmao !!! also i DO own gif

Draco stared at the vast, dark marble ceiling as he lied awake. His black silk sheets were strewn across his king bed in a lofty heap from when he had woken up. There was a sheen layer of sweat across his skin, but his room held no warmth and the draft that was coming in from his open windows was nothing less than freezing.

There wasn’t a moment where he had enough peace to sleep, but when he ultimately did; he always regretted ever drifting off when he felt the hot, ravenous feeling that ran through his body when he would jolt awake from a nightmare with his heart thundering against him and the inability to differentiate reality from a subconscious image. He would lie back down, breathing unevenly, and fixate on a random crack in the ceiling and let his now very tortured conscience remind him, “it all happened, you can't escape it!”

And that little malicious voice in his head was right. The horrible images in his mind weren’t made up or conjured by his brain - they were very real and he had lived through them.

He remembered the agonizing decision he had to make when he left the love of his life, jinxed and in hysterics in an abandoned classroom. He remembered his Headmaster, who he had cornered and disarmed who still offered him genuine help and guidance despite the wand pointed in his face. He remembered his once-favorite Professor, kill his Headmaster who he thought for maybe a second would be able to help him. He remembered bounding down the steps of the astronomy tower, wanting to topple over and vomit while he followed closely behind a billowing cape and several sniggering and smug Death Eaters into the halls of the unsuspecting school. He remembered his aunt wreaking havoc on the Great Hall with pure joy as he could only watch in horror while she shattered the windows in her celebration. He remembered walking through a maze of trees in a dazed stupor towards Hagrid’s hut, Bellatrix giggling maniacally beside him as she skipped past him. He remembered seeing Harry run towards them, hurling any hexes and curses he could think of towards Snape while he scurried off. He remembered meeting his mother at the momentarily failing barrier, her hand wrapping tightly around his arm before she apparated them home. He remembered the cold wooden floors underneath him and the way the Manor’s structure seemed to be crashing down onto him as he tried to catch his breath and collect his thoughts.

When he would finish going over every mistake he had made that night, and every choice he could have made instead, he would turn over in his bed and stare out the large window in his room where he could see the cloudy night sky and the nature swinging around in the wind like it was in a constant state of what seemed like an approaching tornado. He would wonder about you, and what you were doing and what you thought of him. He wondered if you meant what you said - if you would truly never forgive him for leaving you there. He wondered if you thought it was him who killed Dumbledore and how you probably saw him as a killer now. He was in ceaseless disarray of wonder, a painful wonder that he couldn’t escape.

He didn’t dare try to owl you, especially with Bellatrix around the house as a very vigilant guard dog that noticed anything and everything. There were barely any opportunities in which he could leave the Manor, not by foot, by broom, or apparate. He was a prisoner in his own home, just as much as he was in his mind. The increasing amount of Death Eaters that came and went every day made him feel more unsettled than ever, all of them giving him intimidating and sneering looks as if he was a joke while they forcefully turned the Manor into their place of 'work'.

The day Lucius was released from Azkaban, Draco felt a slight hope that things would improve, that his father could somehow find a way to fix things for them as he always had and the young boy could finally step down from the responsibility he felt for his family. But what he saw in the foyer of his home wasn’t Lucius Malfoy; influential, formidable and feared by many - he saw a shell of a man who had lost all sense of who he was and had paid greatly for his failures. He recalled how his father had embraced him in a weak and shuddering hug, clinging onto him as a spew of desperate words incessantly flew from his mouth without making much sense.

He knew immediately then that his father couldn’t swoop in and fix all his problems, and his mother couldn’t be left alone in all this. He was stuck, whether he liked it or not, and he had to follow through on anything and everything the Dark Lord expected from him or wanted out of his family.

He hated the way his home was defiled with death and wickedness. He hated the way there were lifeless bodies littered around the living room sometimes. He hated the echoing cries and pleas of those who were locked up in the dungeon below. He hated seeing Voldermort use his home as his headquarters, pacing the room in a self-given majesty and humiliating his father every chance he could get. The only reason the Malfoys weren’t killed off yet was, in Draco’s opinion, to be used as an example of what happens when you fail the Dark Lord, to be used as malicious entertainment, and to see just how far someone could be tortured from the inside. Draco did mend the cabinet, but he didn’t kill Dumbledore or die trying as his master had desired. He was always visibly apprehensive of everything he had to do and every order he was given. He wasn’t willingly cruel or vile and hated the idea of actually hurting anyone. His father had failed every mission he was given, and his mother wasn’t a Death Eater, to begin with. They were just there, as pawns and as sadistic pleasure.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

It was subsequently, a rare day that the Manor was empty. No one was walking through the halls or running their mucky shoes on the expensive upholstery of the furniture as they relaxed into it. Even his father was out, along with Bellatrix, which left only him and his mother at home.

Narcissa Malfoy was just as arrogant as her husband, valued the pro-pure-blood ideals she grew up with, and always appeared to be very cold and haughty. Yet there was one thing that she valued above most; her family. She was entirely devoted to her son and husband and loved them profoundly. It was for Draco she worried for the most and would do anything for. It was for Draco she would risk everything for and go against the Dark Lord for.

So on the night she brought her son back home, and he was breaking down in her arms with cries about a girl she had never heard of - it piqued her curiosity more than she wanted to admit. She had asked Draco who you were a handful of times since that night, but he always refused to answer. She even went as far as asking Snape, pulling him aside one night behind a dark pillar in her home as everyone was leaving and whispered secretly to him.

“Severus, I know I’ve asked too much of you already but I need to know this,” she rushed to say in a very hushed and imperceptible tone but she knew he had heard her. He raised an eyebrow, looking at her quizzically.

“What might that be?”

“On the night Draco came home, he was calling out for someone,” she began, “do you know if he was involved with anyone by the name of Y/N?”

She could have sworn she saw a twinge of muscles move in his cheek, but he only shook his head shortly from side to side.

“I apologize, Narcissa, but I know no student by that name,” he sighed. “Draco spent most of his time mending the vanishing cabinet, I doubt he had time to be venturing out in his love life.”

She wanted to believe him. But she couldn’t brush off the intuition that was beating against her gut, nearly screaming at her that she was being lied to and there was more to the story. It’s not like she wanted the information to hurt you or to judge, she simply wanted to know who had broken through to her son during the year he was the most closed off. Who had impacted him so greatly, that now that it was seemingly over left him in shambles and withdrawn almost completely. If anything, she wanted to help. And if there was a possibility where she could, she would help Draco take it if it meant it would make his life easier. There was nothing more she wanted for him, free of pain and filled with hope, and if a certain individual would help her get him there - she would be willing to see it through.

With the opportunity of everyone gone, Narcissa trailed up to Draco’s room, letting her knuckles fall softly against the wooden double doors three times.

“Draco, dear, would you like to join me on a walk?”

She heard a shuffling from behind the door and a sharp sniffle, taking in a deep breath to prepare herself to see his poorly hidden tears that she knew she would be met with.

As she predicted, the doors opened and the blond stepped out of his room, lowering his red-rimmed eyes to the ground so he wouldn’t have to meet her worried gaze. He looked well-groomed as always, but she took notice that his skin seemed gray and dull. His eye bags were deep and nearly black from all his crying and lack of sleep. When she linked her arm through his, she felt the slight weight he had unwillingly lost in the past month that he’s been home. Her mind was spinning with concern, promising herself there that she was ready to do whatever she could for him, anything she could.

She led them out of their cold and darkened home, stepping out into the gardens that sat behind the Manor in a large vastness of gorgeous flower arrangements of whites, greens, and reds. There was a large marble fountain placed in the middle of the garden, spewing water smoothly from a small bowl that spilled into a larger one beneath it. It was boxed in with stone and surrounded with red amaryllis flowers, giving anyone enough space to sit around it without being splattered by droplets of water.

It was a gloomy day, but a warm afternoon sun had peaked through the clouds and cast a glowy light around the house that she hadn’t seen in ages. It made her feel hopeful as she walked her and Draco through the garden, thinking of ways on how to approach him. She knew he had shot her down and changed the subject every time she brought up your name, even if it was in privacy, and she pleaded to the stars that this would ultimately be the chance she would get to find out.

When they reached the fountain, she sat them down and watched as Draco slouched, silent and staring distantly at his shoes.

“Dear, I know you hate for me to bring this up,” she started slowly, shaking her head as she spoke, “but I want to know who she is. I want to be able to help you, and maybe even her. I know you’re in love, I see it in your eyes and I see it now that you’re apart. I know everything else certainly applies to how you’re feeling, but there’s a look for heartbreak, and you have it.”

Draco looked up at her, finally peering into her worried eyes as he contemplated what she said and what she offered. The last time he told someone about you, he was reprimanded and denied any sort of help, only suggestions for abandonment were given. He wanted to tell his mother all about you, but he wished it was under happier circumstances, however.

He wished it would be him coming home during the summer, no Voldermort or Death Eaters in his life or his family’s, and arriving with you by his side after sending an owl to his parents about the new love in his life he wanted them to meet. He would boast about you and your smarts, care, ambitions, and beauty. He would make sure his parents understood just how important you were to him and just how amazing you truly were. He imagined their inevitable surrender and allowing him to invite you on one of their luxurious trips to somewhere beautiful and expensive. He pictured a yacht ride in Italy, your skin glowing and your smile bright as you gazed at him in delight under a warm summer sun. Or a grandeur trip to France, walking around the Parisian streets with you as he spoiled you with gifts and delicious gourmet food while ending the night under the Eiffel Tower. He wanted to see you leave on shopping trips with his mother, the two of you coming back with heavy bags and new memories while his mother would walk by him and secretly whisper, “I love her!” to him. He wanted to flaunt you, and boast and gloat all about you - but the circumstances now were dreadful, and to talk about how he had failed you made him want to cry all over again.

His mother waited patiently for his reply, clasping her hands together in her lap as he stayed quiet while he decided. He was so used to sulking and torturing himself on his own in the past month, that seeing a genuine look of concern and desire to help pushed him into making his final resolve.

“I met her around the beginning of last year,” he breathed out finally, “her name is Y/N Y/L/N, we had a Potions class together but I met her in one of the corridors where we accidentally bumped into each other. I sprained a finger trying to catch myself and she healed it without a second thought. She wants to be a Healer at St. Mungo’s after Hogwarts, and she’s very skilled with her wand. She’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met and the kindest. She always listened to me, and helped me, and encouraged me. She always reassured me when I needed it, and if it weren’t for her I don’t think I would have mended the cabinet or even had the energy to wake up every day. She stayed with me even when I told her the truth about everything. I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel the way she does, I can’t explain it, she makes me feel-”

“Alive?” His mother softly finished for him. “She makes you feel alive.”

“Yes,” he nods fervently, “I love her and I failed her. I don’t think there’s anything I can do now and neither can you.”

“I beg to differ,” she briskly interjects. “It’s never too late for anything, Draco. There’s always an opportunity to make things right, as long as you try. She at least deserves an explanation and an apology, and it will be up to her to decide what she wants to do. She sounds wonderful, and I’m glad you met someone who brings out your best.”

Draco agreed wordlessly, his tears sitting at the brink of his eyelids begging to be released as he mulled over everything that was said. He knew where you lived, having learned the fact somewhere in your relationship when you were talking about your childhood and where you were from. He knew the place you called home and the address that came with it that you constantly reminded him of in hopeful jokes that he would visit you over the summer.

“There’s no one here, no one would know you’re gone,” Narcissa encourages swiftly as if she knew what he was thinking about. “It’ll be a few hours before anyone returns. Go to her.”

“But if I become involved with her again, he’ll find out, won’t he?” He insinuates in distress. “The reason I left her was to keep her safe from him, I don’t want her anywhere near this.”

“He won’t find out,” she promised, “I’ll make sure of it. Go.”

There was a hopeful and elating sensation that ran through his veins as he stood up, turning back to look at his mother as she nodded at him optimistically. He suddenly lunged towards her, giving her a tight hug and muttering thank you’s to her like a broken record before running out of the garden towards the front gate of the Manor.

As soon as he reached his exit, he used his newfound Death Eater ability to half-apparate himself into a thick black cloud of smoke that allowed him to fly over to where you were - not giving a care in the world if he were seen by muggles as he recklessly took every shortcut he knew towards your hometown.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

There was a slight breeze in the cloudy air that brought you comfort. It was cold, but refreshing - a sharp contrast against the burning feeling that never seemed to leave your body. You were back home now, in your small little town in England that held little to no wizards.

You spent a lot of your time wandering around the local stores and cafes nearby, mingling with strangers as you told them fake life stories for fun. There was also the small forest behind your house you regularly enjoyed, and all the small hidden creatures that you encountered along the way. You always brought along your family cat, the chunky orange tabby always finding his way for you outside of the forest when you got too far in, or if he sensed there was nearby danger and would warn you. Sometimes you would talk to him, complain to him about everything that was bothering you and he would respond to you now and then with broken meows and chirps that made you feel like he understood, even though he didn’t. It made you feel less alone.

Of course, you had your family that worried over your changed behaviors. They weren’t oblivious. They noticed the puffy eyes, the sniffles, and the quiet sobs that escaped under the space of your bedroom door when they would pass by in the middle of the night to get a glass of water from the kitchen. They noticed your sudden quietness, and your lack of interest in everything and hardly found you in the house. You were always out and about, trying to find anything and anyone to distract yourself from what was going on in your mind.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to talk to your family, even though they had incessantly offered their support, you just knew they wouldn’t understand. They would want to know about Draco, his family, and their beliefs. They would eventually figure out of his involvement with the Dark Lord and the looming second Wizarding war. They wouldn’t approve, and you didn’t want to hear the scolding you would get for ever giving him the time of day. You were bitter enough as it was, and the last thing you wanted to hear was how bad Draco was and how you were better off without him.

But even if you were supposed to be better off without him, a life where he wasn’t in it didn’t feel good at all. It felt empty and lost. You were used to his presence always being around you and how he was always a few minutes away from you. He was always available to you for anything and willingly; for company, affection, comfort, reassurance, love, everything. You hated the fact that you let yourself get attached, especially when you knew deep down the direction the relationship was going in.

There were days when you would wake up okay. Days where your mind blocked out your feelings entirely, including Draco and all the memories that came with him. There were days when you felt like you had finally forced yourself to move on, but always finding it to wear off when you’d clamber into bed at night and your brain started illustrating everything you didn’t want to remember. The silver band bracelet he had gifted you was in constant movement from your wrist and jewelry box, hidden on the days you wanted to forget him or sitting pretty on your skin on the days you missed him the most. As much as it hurt to think about him and remember him, you couldn’t stop the way your whole being drifted towards him.

You were currently stepping over a big fallen tree trunk covered in thick green moss, your cat following closely by your leg as he pranced and jumped over all his obstacles. You walked mindlessly around the greenery, not taking notice in the shape of the leaves of the fern you were placing your hand upon to move out of your way. It wasn’t until you felt the sharpened ends of the leaves dig deep into your skin that made you recoil your hand back in pain, a slight hiss leaving your mouth as a small gash began to form with blood flowing quickly upwards out of the new cut. Your hand was held in the air as you frantically looked around for anything that would stop the bleeding that was now dripping sleekly down your arm.

“Stupid ministry and underage magic,” you mutter under your breath. Your wand was in your pocket, begging to be used, but the idea of being sent a letter from the ministry that was now under the Voldermort's control quickly dispersed any desire you had to use it. “Come on, kitty. Let’s go back home, please.”

'Home' was a word the cat did understand. He bumped your leg with his head before meowing loudly at you as he began trotting off to your right side towards the exit of the forest. He moved stealthily, dodging in and out of everything that was in his path as you attempted to follow in his cleared steps. Every time you would trip or rest briefly, he would stop ahead of you and wait until you would walk towards him again before he started back on the journey.

When you finally saw your house in the distance, you sighed in relief at the thought of your first aid kit waiting patiently for you in the bathroom cupboard. And belatedly, your feet hit the stone path that led home, skipping slightly with your hand in the air before nearly toppling over your cat as he stopped abruptly in your path. You moved out of the way, last minute, and very clumsily before eyeing him suspiciously.

He was looking up at the sky, his ears pulled back and the fur on his back straightening up as his eyes frantically searched around the clouds above him. He wasn’t hissing like he normally did when he felt something dangerous coming, he looked more confused and alert than anything. You searched the sky with him for a minute before concluding he was being too wary so you bent down and pick him up with your uninjured hand, nearly scooping him into your arms until he carefully swiped at your arm.

“You’re being dramatic, there’s nothing there,” you exclaim at him irritably. You were stumped, on one hand, literally, you were still bleeding though it had significantly slowed down and was now just coagulated blood, and on the other hand, you couldn’t leave the cat outside because of the number of dead critters he left in his past outdoor ventures around the yard and his sometimes week-long disappearances that left everyone in the house worried.

In just a few seconds of your thinking, he had sprung forward and rushed towards the large open field that was a few feet away from your house. Although it was summer, it had been rainy and allowed the grassy field to flourish in tall and wild greenery. This did not help as you watched the fluff of orange disappear into the small jungle that lied ahead and you began to sprint after him, spotting his bushy tail in your vision every time he jumped over something. If you could use magic, this little ordeal would have gone much more different - but you couldn’t.

You chased him until the very near end of the field, spotting him sitting calmly as he looked back at you as if he was expecting you. Rolling your eyes, you reached towards him again to pick him up, if he wanted to go back to the house scratching and biting then so be it. You trained your gaze on him, trying your best to grab him as carefully and as slyly as you could. But as soon as your hand landed on the silky fur of his back, you heard a soft whooshing sound a few feet away in front of you and a very audible shuffle of dead grass crunching underneath someone's shoes as they moved slowly.

You didn’t look up, all of a sudden feeling scared at who could have magically appeared in front of you, and instead, you waited for your cat to hiss and attack, but he sat himself down in a loaf as if he were in the most comfortable place in existence. This is when you looked up, and the sight before you was like an invisible force that knocked you onto your bottom as you jumped back in surprise.

“What are you doing here?”

What was supposed to sound like a concerned question, came out a little ruder than you had intended, almost seething at the boy that was fearfully staring down at you.

“I’m sorry,” Draco ran his hands over his pallid face in distress, “I shouldn’t have come.”

There was an awkwardness that hung in the air. The two of you were finally where you had wanted to be, together, but now that you were face-to-face it couldn’t have been more perplexing. He didn’t know how to begin, and you weren’t sure if you should even listen to him. It was like a weird staring competition, he was taking in everything about you as you were doing the same to him. It was obvious you were both a wreck, and the damage was apparent on him the most as he was dealing with his Death Eater status now more than ever.

“Your hand is bleeding,” he stated suddenly. You didn’t have time to answer before he had cautiously walked over to you and sat down beside you in a flattened patch of grass. “Let me see it.”

Like magnets, your hand instantly fell into his cold grasp without you thinking about it. You eyed him carefully and quietly, observing him as he turned your injured hand over in his and inspected your gash like you had done many times in the past for him. You didn’t stop him when he took his wand out of his pocket and waved it over your wound, murmuring a familiar spell that closed the cut with ease, a small pink scar left in its place.

“I didn’t know you knew how to do that,” you say lightly. “Thank you.”

“I learned from the best,” he smiles faintly.

Neither of you moved from your sitting spots, and neither of you said anything. He would meet your eyes now and then and search them with such a pained expression that it took everything in you not to just throw yourself into his arms and cry in relief that he was there.

“I know it was Snape who killed Dumbledore and not you,” you break the silence apprehensively. “Harry told me.”

“Potter told you?” He grimaced, but he let out a breath of relief. “I would’ve thought the git would have loved to throw me under the bus. I didn’t even know he was there, then I see him chasing us down-”

“Draco, why are you here?” You asked him again, gingerly this time and cutting him off from his rambling in hopes that he would just cut to the chase on his unannounced appearance. He sighed, looking down at his now muddy, once expensive dress shoes.

“I needed to see you,” he answers honestly. “And I wanted to apologize for how I left things.”

You peered up at him with a raised eyebrow, bringing your knees up to your chest so you could rest your head against them as you faced him. “Let’s hear it.”

“I’m serious,” he frowned. “I’m sorry I used my wand against you. I’m sorry I shut you out. I’m sorry I left without giving you much of an explanation. I’m sorry I abandoned you and disappeared off the face of the Earth. I’m sorry I broke my promise that I would never leave you again.”

“Draco-”

“No, wait, I need you to understand that I thought leaving you was the only thing that would keep you safe. I would have never forgiven myself if I let you die for trying to help me, even if you say you’re ready to accept whatever fate is in store for you, I’m not. But I don’t want to run anymore, I don’t want to be away from you, I can’t do it and I always think I can let you go for your safety, but I can’t.”

There was a brief period of stillness as you contemplated his apology. Your head moved to fall in between your knees as your hands began to fiddle with the long strands of grass beneath you. You were stripping it and pulling at it, hoping that there would be a hidden message underneath the earth that would give you an answer on what to say or what to do, but it wasn’t possible. The only thing you found was the loose pitiful tears slipping down your face that seeped into spots of dry soil. Draco stayed wordless beside you, the only sound coming from him was uneven breaths as he stressed over your reaction.

You were caught in between wanting to give in, wanting to forgive him, and hug him and kiss him to make up for all the tortuous time lost, but there was also a part of you that was now afraid to trust. You wanted to, so badly, but everything felt so unpredictable. You weren’t sure whether you could handle him leaving again if he had to. And if he were to die at the end of all of this? There was no way you’d be able to recover from a loss like that. He was on an unforeseeable path that held no clear outcome.

“I’m scared, Dray,” you sniffle, closing your eyes tightly as you began to answer him. “We’re not kids anymore fooling around at school. Everything is getting more real by the day. How am I supposed to be comfortable with the idea that you might-”

You stopped yourself from finishing, a soft sob escaping your throat at the near mention of his possible death. You felt him scoot closer to you, stopping about a few inches away from your shuddering body as he placed a reassuring hand on your lower back.

“You say you can’t accept the decision I made when I said I’m ready for whatever fate lies ahead of me,” you mumble miserably. “Well, I can’t accept yours either.”

“I won’t make any more promises I can’t keep,” he starts warily, “but I can promise you that as long as I’m around, I won’t let anyone hurt you, ever. And as far as my future goes, I promise that I’ll do everything and anything I can to survive this.”

You had unhooked your arms from around your legs, bringing them underneath you as you sat yourself up to face him better. He was staring at you intently, hopeful gray eyes boring into yours with every emotion under the sun flashing through them. He didn’t show it, but he felt like at any moment he was going to faint. He had never seen such uncertainty on your face and it killed him, but he tried to remain stoic as he spoke and kept a brave face at every concern you had. He couldn’t guarantee you anything that lied ahead, but there was also nothing he wouldn’t do for you now.

“Okay,” you agree, finally giving him the consolation he had been woefully praying for. “I believe you, we can get through this together.”

There wasn’t another second spared before you speedily moved out of your sitting position to pounce him with a tight and suffocating hug. It was desperate and smothering, his arms wrapped tightly around your lower back as he pressed you deeply into his body as if you were going to disappear any second.

You didn’t care that you could barely breathe against his chest or that your knee was digging into the mud below you. It was the most relieving feeling in the world, finally being in his arms again with new hopes and possibilities that always found a way to present themselves. It was one of the many reasons that you knew he was the one for you. Everything with him felt easy, even if the world was crashing down around you. He could melt away all your pain and worries with one look, touch, or words. He felt like home and heaven all in one.

It came to you in the middle of your longing hug, that there was always going to be something looming over the two of you in the current state that the wizarding world was in. There’s no point in wasting time when everything could change overnight, just as it had that unforsaken day at Hogwarts before you were dragged home the next day. There was no reason for trying to stay away from him when it was everything you wanted and you knew then that you needed to take advantage of whatever time you had left with him.

“I'm sorry for saying I would never forgive you that night,” you murmur into the crook of his neck. “And for being stubborn.”

“You had all the right to be angry with me,” he laments.

“But it didn’t make it okay,” you nuzzle yourself deeper in his embrace, frowning to yourself as you recalled the night.

He looked down at you, a pang of guilt hitting him when he saw the corners of your lips pulled down in sadness. He leaned down and carefully placed a kiss on your temple, lingering for a bit before moving away and muttering, “nothing about that night was okay.”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

There wasn’t an inkling of an idea how long the two of you were sat outside, holding on tightly to each other as you filled each other in on any news that happened in the last month since you’ve seen each other. The only indication that let the two of you know that time had surely passed was that the sun had begun setting behind the valley in the distance. The moon now had a faint appearance in the purplish evening sky that was for the first time in a while, free of the heavy cloud covers.

You listened attentively as he told you about the Manor and how it was being used as a Death Eater meeting place. He told you about his father being released from Azkaban as a treat for the Malfoy’s since he had fixed the cabinet and disarmed Dumbledore for Snape to finish, unknowing to him that he would. He explained to you how ghostly he felt when he was venturing out of the school that night. He even scarcely described the horror that had gone on in the dead of night, when victims had been brought back to the house for ‘interrogations’ and the way their screams would keep him wide awake for days.

You nearly felt sick to your stomach the longer he went on, empathizing with him delicately when he would sometimes stop talking to take a deep painful shaky breath. The guilt that was eating away at him wasn’t hidden or pushed down, he expressed it very obviously and you couldn’t picture how he managed to hold a straight face in the sea of terrors he had encountered.

“You’re nothing like them,” you whispered tenderly to him when you saw the distant broken look that clouded his eyes. “You are good, Draco. Not once have I ever changed my mind about that.”

He was slipping, far and fast into the depths of his despair. His new life away from school was eating away at him now that he was forced to experience it upfront. He wasn’t cut out for it, nor did he want anything to do with it. It physically pained you that there was nothing you could do except offer him what you’ve always been able to provide; a listening ear and to remind him that he’s not the evil monster he deludes himself to be.

“I don’t want to talk about me anymore,” he mumbled gloomily, taking your hand into his as he turned to look at you. “I want to hear about you and your summer.”

“It wasn’t pleasant or anything, honestly,” you shrug, “I spent most of it in the village nearby and the forest behind my house with my cat, who by the way knew you were coming somehow.”

You both suddenly turned to look for the orange tabby who had seemingly disappeared without either of you noticing sometime throughout the evening.

“Where is the little critter so I can thank him for leading you to me,” he chuckled softly as you rolled your eyes.

“He’s probably back at home now but I’ll pass the message,” you bite back a smirk.

Draco felt the familiar fluttering of pixies in his stomach as he looked at you, a sense of exhilaration and delight shocking his body from its usual anguished state. He was so far gone in you and he never wanted to leave the feelings you left him with and with such little effort. He couldn’t count how many times he had the same thought in his head when he was around you, much like your own, he knew with you was where he was at his calmest and his happiest. It was like a chunk of agony being released from him that made him feel like he could breathe again without feeling like he was going to drown. Even if it was just for a few hours, he was always grateful for moments he shared with you and the comfort you brought him.

“I love you,” he said dazed, eyes locking onto yours intimately. “I hope you know that.”

"I love you,” you repeated, a coy smile making its way onto your features.

“You know,” his thumb began mindlessly running over your knuckles as he spoke, “if it wasn’t for my mother knocking some sense into me earlier, I wouldn’t have had the great idea to show up here.”

He looked over at you when he felt you tense up completely, slightly worried at first before a small amusement quickly replaced his fear when he noticed you were gaping at him with wide wondrous eyes.

“You told her about me?”

“All about you,” he nods, “I accidentally let your name slip a while back and she’s been asking me about you ever since. I didn’t want to say anything in case someone heard, but everyone was gone today and she got it out of me.”

“What did she say about me?” You asked him timidly as if it was the most important thing in the world for you.

He chortled quietly at your nervousness, “she said she thinks you’re wonderful and she’s glad we met. She pushed me to come and make things right with you and she offered to look out for us.”

There was an intense delight that beat against your chest at his answer. The only other person in his life who’s opinion he valued the most above all had made one about you, and it was one that was better than anything you could have ever hoped for. Narcissa Malfoy had vouched for you before she’s even properly met you and it left you feeling astounded and beyond appreciative.

“When you get home, please send her my regards,” you plead heartily, your hands clutching onto the lapels of his suit jacket as he laughed lightly.

“I will, I will,” he smiles, “I have to be home soon, so she’ll hear about it within the next half hour.”

Draco pulled you up with him as he stood up, both of you finally stretching out your limbs with groans and sighs of relief from the tension of sitting for so long.

As you peered up at him, you let your hands slide up into the platinum blond strands that looked brighter than ever under the now bright moonlight. He placed a hand over one of your wrists, a smile growing on his face as he noticed the silver band sitting warmly against your skin. He leaned forward to press his forehead against yours, letting himself stay there for a minute as he tried to revel in the last few moments of peace he was going to try and prolong for the rest of his night.

“I’ll be back soon,” he cupped your cheek with one hand, his thumb grazed delicately over your cheekbone as you leaned into his touch. “Right back with you.”

“I’ll be waiting, Malfoy,” you grin.

For the first time that night, he ducked down and pressed his lips soft against yours. The gentleness quickly dissipated into longing and fervor as he kissed you like it was the last thing he was ever going to do, seeking the closeness and union he missed so desperately. Neither of you made any move to pull apart as you melted into each other, basking completely in the feeling of being so close to one another like this again.

If it wasn’t for you worrying about his timely arrival back home before everyone, you would have allowed him to keep you like that forever. But much to your dismay, you tapped him lightly against his chest that let him know it was really time for him to leave if he wanted to keep his secret trip, secret.

You stood there sadly, watching him as he unwillingly backed away from you and whispered one more goodbye to you before he disappeared into the sky in a ghost of black smoke, the aroma of his cologne still lingering in the air and a swollen feeling against your lips that left you feeling fuzzy.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

The Malfoy Manor was staring eerily back at Draco when he finally arrived back in front of the main gate of the home. It was deathly quiet and dark, only a small light could be seen from the living room as he approached further into the property.

He swiftly ran up the steps, hand falling carefully onto the brass doorknob of the front entrance, stopping in his tracks completely when he heard a mixture of hushed angry voices.

“I told you, Bella,” he heard his mother exclaim fiercely. “He only went out to clear his head.”

“Clear his head of what?” his aunt sneered. “He’s falling weak, Cissy. He should be running around in joy that the Dark Lord has him in his inner circle.”

“My son is not weak, don’t you think this can all be a little overwhelming for someone who hasn’t even finished his schooling?” His mother defended him and he could picture the exact sneer on her face as she spoke.

“I want to know where he went,” Bellatrix says hotly, “he’s been gone too long.”

Draco ran through a list of excuses in his head, swallowing back the lump in his throat when he decided on one and put on a straight face as he turned the doorknob, cautiously stepping into the dimly lit living room where both his parents and aunt were waiting for him.

“Ah, there he is,” his father announced as he was the first one to see the boy clambering inside.

“I’m sorry I went off for so long,” Draco spoke up before anyone could ask. “I remember someone mentioning they had spotted Potter around a village nearby so I tried to go look for him.”

“Did you?” Bellatrix chastised. “And nothing?”

“Nothing,” he shrugged with a feigned annoyance.

“And you were alone?” She added with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes, all by myself.”

Narcissa gave her sister a pointed look as she walked up to Draco, hand gripping tightly onto his arm before leading him away from the surprise interrogation and towards the foot of the stairs where she stopped him hastily.

“How did it go?” She asked almost inaudibly.

“Y/N sends her regards,” he whispered, “thank you.”

He gave his mother a warm hug good night before he hurriedly bounded up the stairs, looking down towards the living room once more where Bellatrix was eyeing him carefully. He decided on giving her a curt nod before vanishing into his bedroom and letting himself fall against the shut double doors, a large exhale of relief slipping past his lips as he was now safe to freely recall the night with a dazed smile he didn’t want to let go of.

PART 6

TAGLIST:

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APOLOGIES IF I FORGOT ANYONEEE 🥺 BUT I REALLY HOPE EVERYONE ENJOYED THIS CHAPTER EVEN THO IT WASNT TOOO EVENTFUL ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I GOT ACTION FOR THE NEXT PIECES THO JUST WAITTTT

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bearseokie · 4 years ago

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you're being stalked | Got7 Reaction

request: Heyo I was wondering if you could do a got7 comfort reaction where their girlfriend wants to go shopping but last time when she was alone these creepy dudes kept following her. And they don't believe her until they go with her and it happens. Sorry if this is a touchy subject, you don't have to write about it if u don't want to. It uh sorta happened to me before so i was just wondering how they would react. I love ur writing so much especially trash panda yuggie. Have a good hiatus 💚💚

[warnings]: fear (trigger warning: stalking!)

A/N: as much as i wish to have protective got7 around, this is a very serious issue that happens way more often than it should. please, if you ever experience these situations, handle them cautiously. ask for help. carry mace, alarms, lock your car doors, stay around other people. someone will help you.

got7 m.list | navi.

Mark:

Rushing home in a panic, you didn't even have time to text Mark about what you experienced. Attempting to get some groceries for the weekend had turned into a full stakeout session, hiding in every corner you could before you finally escaped the building and made it to your car safely.

Two men had trailed you throughout most of the store, pretending to search for things when employees would walk by to look less suspicious. It was hard enough to keep yourself together, and their quick pace made it to where you couldn't even think straight.

Mark noticed how red your cheeks were when you made it through the front door, a sign of discomfort making him immediately move towards you and ask what was wrong. Explaining what happened, his teeth clenched. Turning around, his keys slid off the table into his hand, grabbing your wrist. You asked him where you were going, eyes watery as you blinked rapidly.

"To get some groceries, and hopefully we run into them again so I can take pictures and we can file a report."

Jaebeom:

You were meant to be leaving to go Christmas shopping over an hour ago. Sat in your car in the parking lot of your apartment complex, the key wasn't even in the ignition, but your hands were on the wheel. Shaking at the idea of running into the same, creepy men that had followed you around the mall last time you went shopping alone, you couldn't bring yourself to even drive.

Hand running over your temple, a knock on the window caused you to jump, Jaebeom's concerned look making you frown. Placing the key in and turning it, you pressed the button for your window to glide down.

"Hey, I thought you left already, what's going on?" he asked, arms crossing on the sill of the window as he bent to look at your face.

Slowly explaining the situation to him, you watched Jaebeom's expression shift, bottom lip sucking in between his teeth before he nodded. Moving to open the door, he gestured for you to get out. Sliding down onto the pavement, his arms wrapped around you, placing a kiss on your temple.

"Get in the passenger's seat, I'll drive. I won't let anyone get near you."

Jackson:

Jackson noticed the guys before you did, the consistent stares enough to make you peer over your shoulder at them. You tried to shrug them off, but Jackson was boiling in anger as they checked you out from afar.

The chair squeaked when he stood, sliding the metal seat back before he made his way towards them. From the looks of the conversation, you could tell he had lost his patience and respect, and now he was laying out flat threats to get them off your back.

The men looked embarrassed, short sentences exchanged before they stepped back and headed towards the exit. Jackson's face was red by the time he sat back down, but his eyes softened when he noticed your worried face.

"They won't bother you anymore," he said, trying to form a smile through the rage he felt.

You weren't entirely scared, having been watched before had sadly become a regular occurrence, but Jackson wasn't standing for it.

"If anyone ever looks at you like that again or tries to follow you around, please tell me." his toothless smile made you feel comforted, returning it as his hand slid over the table to hold onto yours.

Jinyoung:

Jinyoung was a skeptic, wanting to believe you but also understanding that the men might have just been looking for something that happened to be near you. Hand in hand walking through the mall after you called him from the bathroom crying, his hold was tight as his gaze fell on the two men you described.

"That's them?" he asked, head gesturing towards the guys standing close to the women's clothing shop. With a short nod, his grip loosened on your hand, looking around before his eyes found a security guard.

Pulling you along, the guard noticed your dried tears, Jinyoung's angered explanation making the guard's forehead crease. Leaving both of you, you witnessed him go up to the two men, escorting them towards the stairs.

"He said they've received complaints about them for a while now, but they didn't have faces to match the descriptions. If you hadn't of called me, they would still be wandering around here stalking people." his eyes were soft, hand caressing your cheek to remove the last few tears escaping. "You did the right thing. I'm glad you're so strong."

Youngjae:

He noticed your nervousness before you even left the house, your grip on your bag tight as you stared the front door down. Scared to leave, his cocked eyebrow was in your vision when he stood before you.

"Still scared because you were followed?" he asked, tone gentle and caring as he pulled you into his chest. "Please don't be. I called the store and reported those guys and they said that it was taken care of."

You knew this, and yet the underlining fear that it would happen again was still there. With a light sigh, he kissed your forehead, releasing you to grab his wallet and keys.

"Why don't I go with you, that way you won't be so nervous, okay?"

You felt worse that he had to tag along, but when you arrived at the store immediately breathing in fresh coffee, Youngjae was practically pulling you along to buy some stuff, the smile on his face calming you.

BamBam:

He was beyond pissed when he returned to you in the store only to find you hiding in the dressing rooms because you were followed. BamBam had made direct eye contact with the guy, and yet he didn't think twice that anything was wrong.

Pulling you from the chair, his arms wrapped around you, hand caressing the back of your head as he held you to him. You explained how the guy found you when you were looking at some new shoes, and how he got way too close for comfort before you grabbed a jacket and rushed back into the small room to get away.

Lifting the jacket from the handle on the wall, he shrugged, laying it over his arm as he led you out towards the check out counter. Instead of walking up to the cashier, he made a b-line for the man, piercing eyes drilling imaginary holes into him as he spat swears at him. Ending the situation, the man sent you an apology before leaving, the cashier already on the phone calling in a complaint about the creepy guy.

"See," he smiled at you, pulling you under his arm. "I've got it handled."

Yugyeom:

You were walking weird when you caught up to Yugyeom in the store, his arm immediately wrapping over your shoulders.

"What's wrong?" he asked, a pout on his lips as he looked at you from the side, walking you into a video game aisle to ease the tension in your neck.

You told him about the creepy guy at the bathrooms that saw you go in and waited for you to come out. They only vanished when Yugyeom put his arm around you, and now you were on high alert.

Yugyeom didn't falter, walking you over to the counter to ask the cashier if he could call for security. It was a matter of minutes before the suited man was escorted away, Yugyeom giving him a dirty look as his hold tightened around you.

"Never be afraid to speak up about someone scaring you or following you around," he said gently, guiding you with his hand on your lower back as you looked over the newly released games. "I'd never let anyone hurt you."

#got7 #got7 reactions #got7 scenarios #got7 imagines #mark tuan #im jaebeom #im jaebum #jackson wang #park jinyoung #choi youngjae #bambam #kim yugyeom #this subject is very worrisome so please just look after yourselves #triggers #got7.headcanon

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bowtied-pasta · 4 years ago

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how about Ben with a platonic soulmate? 🥺 all soulmate aus are so good and i feel like people forget that platonic stuff is just as meaningful (also hi! i love your hcs, this is the first time i’ve sent something in and i’m so nervous 😖) -🌥

Ive kept you waiting long enough, im sorry about the delay. (I am still on hiatus, I just felt bad about keeping you waiting when you said this was your first request and youre nervous) I will pick a soulbond kind and just roll with it since you didnt name a specific one, hope thats cool

You didnt fully understand what it meant when it happened. When your formerly crisp, black words of hope faded to a light grey against your skin.

Your parents had researched for hours, trying to understand what was happening. But they didnt like the results they found. You didnt get to learn what they meant until you were much older. Having been so young, they didnt want to scare you.... or so they said.

The constant moving around, the keeping you from public school, never letting you stay out late or go out without a large group and promising to stay with them at all times. It had all made sense when they told you the consiquences of a faded soulmark.

You were destined to disappear. Without a trace, it seemed. All former occurrences of a faded and grey soul mark, regardless of romantic or platonic bearing, had all ended the same. The person with the greyed mark vanished.

Wether this was because they went willingly or not, nobody knows. Once a mark turns grey there isnt much you can do to keep track of them. Research is difficult because people with grey marks hide themselves for the exact reason that your parents had worked so hard to hide you for. They didnt want you to dissapear. Not like the others.

But that didnt matter anymore. Here you are, a college freshman living in an apartment all on your own. The money your parents had kept locked away in a bank that you hadnt been privy to, but had been given upon their deaths, allowing you the comfort of knowing that college was more than paid for. The money your job gives you each week going toward the car, your insurance, and the renting for your living space.

You were set for life... or what you had left of it. Your words on your wrist a constant reminder that you were a ticking clock. You didnt know if you would die, but you were certain you would go missing. Just like the rest. The only thing that scared you about it was that you didnt know when.

When decided to come in the form of a game. A video game that you had had your sights on for awhile. Having been wanting to buy it for weeks, but only now allowing yourself the luxury. Knowing you could have used your parents money, but wanting to earn it your own way.

Your hand had been reaching for the case for the game, the sleeve of your hoodie covering your greyed out mark, only for another hand to reach for the same case at the same time. Your finger tips touching slightly before you both flinch back in shock.

Your gaze shoots toward the man that had been reaching for the game, your eyes locking as you stutter out an apology. Your people skills being lackluster due to your upbringing. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. You can have it if you want it, I can wait a little longer.”

You see the mans eyes widden as you speak, his eyes darting down toward his arm quickly, before he grabs the game and ask you such a simple question, yet it makes your blood run cold. “What say you we go back to your place and play it together, best friend?”

You stiffen as you shuffle slightly backwards. Not expecting this to have ever happened. Your words are grey. Grey. This cant be happening. You were supposed to disappear. You couldnt do that to your soulmate. Platonic or not.

“Um... I dont think...” you hastily walk backwards to the front of the store. He matches pace with you, grabbing your arm to keep you from moving further. The store was unfortunately empty of other patrons, allowing this to happen without causing a scene.

“I know, theyre grey right? I can explain why, but its not a topic for public conversation. Its best we speak in private. So we can do this at your place, or mine. But trust me... you’ll like it better at yours.”

You glace around quickly before you settle your gaze on him. Eyes locking as you begin to calm down. He was your soulmate. He was safe. Right? He wouldnt hurt you. He cant possibly be the reason you disappear. No... you cant let him get attached. It would only hurt him.

“No. We cant. I dont want you to get hurt. Yes, my words are grey. And.... and that means I’m going to disappear. I know I dont know you, at all, but I dont want you to get hurt when I vanish and youve become attached. I dont want that for you.” You look down, averting your eyes from his gaze. Your vision had blurred as you spoke, tears filling your eyes as you tried to get him to understand. You couldnt allow yourself the pain.

You feel his hand cup your face and wipe away your tears. “Hey, breath for me okay? Your not losing me that easily. Believe me now or later, friend, youre stuck with me.”

#ben #ben drowned #soulmate au

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plcyersandpieces · 4 years ago

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Hi, y’all.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done anything with this blog, and I’m sorry for just up and disappearing like that. I guess I came back for a bit to give a wave and make official what everyone probably already knew--this blog on hiatus and I’m not sure when I’ll be back.

The trouble is, when I started RPing here, RWBY was my huge hyperfixation. Unfortunately, it no longer is. I still love it and I still have some writing ideas, but right now, my attention’s been turned to other interests (namely, Final Fantasy XIV) and trying to get my own original writing off the ground. This has left me with very little bandwidth for RPing RWBY on the regular, which sucks for everyone I’ve left hanging high and dry. For all of that, I apologize profusely.

However, I’ve made some adjustments for if/when I return. After some deliberation, I’ve made the decision to permanently drop Sienna as a muse. I hope we all understand that the White Fang, as was written in the first two volumes, had started out analogous to the Black Panther Party in the United States during a very turbulent time that many would say never really ended. Sienna herself shares many philosophical similarities with Malcolm X. Given these ideas, I don’t feel that it’s appropriate, especially in light of recent events, for me, a pasty-white lesbian, to tell her story. I empathize, sympathize, and stand in support of Black people and agree that Black Lives Matter--but ultimately, I do not and cannot share in that experience or tell any kind of story like that. It’s not my story to tell.

As far as Blake and Ilia go... Blake was the basis of my roleplaying here in the RWBY RP community and Ilia is, perhaps, more of an analogy of LGBTQ+ rights (after all, the Stonewall Rebellion happened for similar reasons as what’s happening now) which is a story I can tell. Blake has moved past her time in the White Fang, as has Ilia. I will be as respectful as I can regarding the White Fang where it comes up for them, but it will still be from the limited perspective of a privileged white woman, and I apologize for that.

At any rate, TL;DR: I’m sorry for vanishing, but at this time, it looks like that’s the norm for me now. I’ll still check in from time to time and will still reblog muse art when I see something I like, but for now RP is on hold indefinitely.

If you play FFXIV, I’m on Mateus, part of the Crystal datacenter. You can DM for character names (I have a few, lol). If you just wanna talk, hit me up on Discord: Zhanael#5939 (though please let me know who you are). And in the meantime, please take care, and stay safe.

#ooc #i guess i don't really need that tag rn?#i dunno #i love you guys #and I'll miss all y'all #also since it's 5am here I'm going to reblog this into my queue for tomorrow too #take care everyone

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thelostandforgottenangel · 4 years ago

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Good Morning everyone! I'm back!

I am happy to say that it is over, any reported harassment's against me were investigated; I had to send so much crap in and was told to wait; I was not guaranteed anything but it is luckily over and I can move past that and enjoy my followers and dear Tumblr family once again

Thank you for the few who gave me the support; I did get the messages whoever you are, I really would like to put a face to them but will not post them publicly to keep everyone safe.

Now I want to take this time to apologize to everyone for whatever I did because for the two people I had contact with talked me out of a very permanent plan to officially leave here if I lost my page after many years of being able to confide in people who cared and built me up because this is my safe zone; my safe haven away from my reality which I do need my escape to forget for just a second.

Returning to Tumblr after a forced hiatus, I was just happy to be back and check on my loved ones; getting my new phone in and finally having access to the internet again had me so happy until I got a message I did not fully understand

Now I had just returned; I had no clue what was going on when this happened and, yes, it upset me deeply to be delighted to talk to somebody I considered a friend and instead while replying to ask how they were doing wanting to be sure they were okay ((Understanding the person had been having troubles before I vanished I was looking in on a friend)) before the chat showed they had blocked me right after

Like everyone on here except one person; there is no way to contact me if I go missing. If I am not here due to I either: 1.) not having internet thanks to the person in control of it or 2.) functioning with a broken phone meaning - I did not get updates unless it was somebody who knew who to contact

I had no other way of reaching out since the friend is no longer active here after leaving months ago.

I had no clue what was transpiring and, Lexi, who anyone who has followed me since the beginning, is my lovely Anonymous penpal who sends me writing ideas for stories and the only real reason I left anonymous asks active because she, like me, suffers from extreme anxiety was trying to boost positivity for me because she understood my situation and the place I am in

I understand now she contacted a lot of people looking for me because; my anon messaging was finally turned off weeks before I left right after I stood up to my bully – I am sorry for that I did not get to say goodbye to anyone because it happened without warning and to those who knew what was going on I knew you would understand, and I know I worried a few people, it was never my plan to be such an inconvenience

Now at some point in the last few days, I had a dear friend send me some things in a submission that I never saw and wish I never had, thankfully; I know now, and for the sake of their sanity and to keep from adding any more drama or toxic actions to our wonderful fandom, they will remain unnamed because I do not want them catching any hate

Nobody here deserves hate.

So I will not be posting the original nor will I release the creator's name; this was a problem between us it stays between us because I do not wish ill on you; I hope you are successful and are having no more issues, I know returning to my page and not seeing any anon hate in my box after ten days is very refreshing for a change

I have seen everything said about me in three possibly four separate posts since it was all sent to me as one with little separations in-between, and I’m okay with it; I guess I have to accept this is how you feel I have nothing else to say on the matter

What you are saying is fine; I’m not going to let it get me, that is your opinion, and as human's, we are all allowed to have an opinion

Now, I don't know if you will see this, but I don’t think you are crazy in any way; I think you are intelligent and you have a huge heart; in our IM's you told me about your disorder also about you mental problem and like I said there I still understand; it runs in my family and, thankfully it bypassed me; but I still have compassion for those battling mental illnesses since I do have a few myself

I didn’t know about the ask you got until you mentioned it before I returned, and since mentioned by my best friend that she got one too earlier in the day I already knew who you were talking about

I had just seen it when I got blocked, and I didn’t fully get to read it until this morning when I was finally able to log on, and yes, I privately told you who that anon was because I had told her what a sweet person you were encouraging her to friend you, I have no idea how I lied but it is okay too

I was not here for those hate messages nor was I involved in anything I get too much hate daily when I am here to even dream of sending it but, nobody will believe me except anyone who has ever interacted with me

In your post, you warned people about three of those five people (Again; the ones I know about will not be named)

I only tried to interact once with your Raph; the response was enough to discourage me from ever trying again; you were stressed I got that because of everything going on I can only imagine you felt like it was an attack, I did not want an RP I just needed somebody to talk to that night, and, for once I didn't go directly to private messages as I do with everyone, that was my fault so I deserved the blow up even if I did not know about that RP until you explained. I apologized, profusely because I felt bad for bringing up – it was to talk, something many know I am not good at, I didn’t know the subject would hurt you; we had never interacted but you had offered to interact with me at one time if I needed you and trying to heal I attempted to reach out on the only thing I had seen on your page a long time ago

I don't get to RP for me haven't for a long while now, but I try to make others happy

But I am sorry I made an effort to reach out; you didn't need that

So if you are in the TMNT fandom, please be cautious because I only seem cause problems for the people I care for

You blocked me, you have your reasons, and yes, I do respect them and, after this post, it is in the past; I hope you are doing and getting along well

And guys, I can’t and will not give the name of this person or do it privately because I don’t want them catching any hate, but please, by all means, if you ever find their blog follow them; they are so talented and deserve so much love from this fandom

Lastly, while I will be staying on Tumblr because I do not want to leave any of you, I will be making several changes to my several pages soon to make sure this never happens again and to all my followers; I love you guys, and for that, I will no longer be posting struggles on here anymore even though I only gave you guys a penny in a 10-gallon bucket because I needed comfort that was too much; my problems are my burden, not yours; and I can not say how sorry I am that I ever put that on any of you

Nobody needs to know what their friends are dealing with when we come here to be happy because it is too much to put on anyone not personally dealing with it, so you will only see the sadness in my stories and only see the struggle in my art

My ask box will be open; anon will alternate day to day but, any hate I hope not to see will be deleted immediately; if your face is on the lovely message; you will be blocked right there just like the last 12 people since quarantine started for me in February

Also, while I am still here *this is a scheduled post it is 4 a.m. my time will post, hopefully after I am asleep cause my sleep schedule is grossly off* I do not want ANY hate streaming from this post, I know my followers will not do that to anyone; this is just me getting it out of my system

We are breaking the chain of toxicity right here! We were not meant to be friends in this lifetime but maybe the next

Tumblr, at one point, was always a beautiful, safe place for many of us who needed a way out of our situations; and when I joined in 2014 as a supernatural blog I was run off, then I came back again in 2016 for TMNT and found my family some of us just wanted a place to be us; to not be judged for who we were, it needs to go back to that for all of its members soon.

We have already lost way too many wonderful creators from here let's not lose any more

And if you have noticed a difference in the last three months, mostly pertaining to my writing; I downloaded Grammarly and started taking classes with my old English teacher on ZOOM who, bless her heart, had to deal with my dumbass in school because I suck at punctuality.

I was very self-conscious about admitting that, but somebody reminded me there is no shame in learning something again and I have been working hard

#scheduled #mun will be on later #been up all night with sick kids

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sumeshi-t · 5 years ago

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when to shutcho bitchass up.

so i had this long ass reply as i was about to reblog a haikyuu writer’s response to a hate ask but i had to eat lunch, and my wifi’s acting up so it all got deleted. but anyway, after lurking in the shadows for god knows how long, i decided to speak up about this on-going issue of hate being poorly masked as “constructive criticism”.

it doesn’t just happen on haikyuu blogs, like, every fandom has it. and it saddens me because i’ve seen the greatest blogs out here just vanish into thin air (or has gone on hiatus and never returned/archived the blog/deactivated) for getting hate that they absolutely do not deserve. nobody does. nobody needs that hate; not now not ever. most often than not, there are people who hide behind the anon feature in asks. but i guess some people lately have now learned how to own up to their own mistakes; and yes, everyone’s opinion is valid, is welcome to be entertained; however the way you word these things out also matters. it’s just like when someone writes something, you know? why do you get to complain, “your writing suckxz” when you can’t even write down why you think so? lol gtfo. people can interpret your words in however way they want, and that’s the one thing you cannot control. so at least, when you attempt to apologize for something you “didn’t mean to” or “was just a joke”, at least make it sound like you mean it. if you want your opinion to be taken seriously, learn how to say it with manners.

anyway, this post will be terribly long, probably longer than the shit i’ve ever written anywhere lmao. some of the things i’ll say here might come off as redundant but because the same thing happens over and over again, what else would you expect?

Exhibit A: “constructive criticism” does not mean, or shall never be equated to “hate”

if you go around tumblr, there are tons of posts which educate people how to properly write a critique, how to decently and reasonably critic someone’s work, whether it be in the form of writing, or digital art, etc. even if you type “constructive criticism” on that google search bar, tons of websites are going to tell you how to do it, so it really is unacceptable to use “it’s constructive criticism” as an excuse when all you’ve said is “your writing sucks”. literally, how can “constructive criticism” go from “you’re not even a good writer, why the hype?” to “you’re too positive, too fake, if you’re sad, show that you’re sad.” that ain’t it chief. constructive criticism is given to the works of a content creator, not directed at the content creator itself.

ever heard of the sandwich method? yeah, yummy and easy, right? basically it means, you start it off with the positive things about the content creator, then the negative ones in the middle, then reinforce them at the end. okay, i’ll repeat that here, let me break it down if that isn’t enough for cute little noggins to understand:

tell the content creator what made you hooked on their works in the first place. what made you indulge in all that deliciously free content, that has brought you to tears, to laughs, to orgasm. you don’t necessarily have to praise them, but acknowledge that you’re aware of what they’re doing and how it is, or how their progress is so far.

now here comes the critique part. this where the “however” and the “but” words come in, to transition from (for example) “your way with words is breathtaking” to “sometimes i feel they’re too much to digest all at once”. get it? pinpoint to the content creator just exactly what aspects in their current state do you wish they could improve on, or areas do you think they are lacking or weak, so to speak. be concise, be comprehensive, be nice.

lastly, my favorite part, is you give them tips or advice or just a fucking hint how you think they can achieve the things you said from #2. even if you know or assume that they’d understand your point, or “it’s their job to find it out by themselves”... well, a little input or jumpstart wouldn’t hurt, would it? so from the example, “your way with words is breathtaking” to “(however) sometimes i feel they’re too much to digest all at once” you end it with a, “i think or why don’t you try doing so, and this, and that,”

lemme go back to the “it’s their job to find it out by themselves” aha, news flash honey: this isn’t their job. it’s their way of enjoyment, their leisure, their free time that they use up just to bring out free content for lots of people like you to indulge in. most people come here, or on ao3, or basically anywhere where you can post your work, just for fun. you cannot be demanding, that’s why they have their rules and all, but i digress. content creators feed on feedback, and feedback alone. i hope you have an idea how something as simple as “asdflkjshdls” in the tags can bring a phat smile to a content creator’s face, what more, if it’s something coherent. just fucking keyboard smash is a boost to their confidence (trust me, it’s very fun knowing that how “asdfgjkl” i was when writing something, is the same as the “asdfgjkl” the readers had when reading)

this sandwich method thing doesn’t only apply to this certain situation. in fact, this is an effective means of communicating your point across to people in school, at work, and even in the comforts of your home. right?

didn’t you feel bad when your teacher returned your paper to you and just said, “i gave you that grade just because” and nothing more? or when that classmate of yours said, “no, i don’t like this idea. think up of something else” for a project? didn’t you ever question them, “why, and on what basis?”

how about, when your boss returned your report, only saying, “revise this” but what is “this”? sure, there are bosses who do this to try to teach their employees to find things out and find solutions on their own, but you cannot deny that some are just being disgustingly rude about it.

how about at home you say? well... remember that time when your parents compared you to their friends’ children, or even compared you among your own siblings? or that time you were lashed out on? actually, you know, what, i’m sorry for bringing this up, as light as this was worded out, some people might get triggered simply from those two phrases i put out. however, i will address this issue next.

Exhibit B: you don’t know the people you are talking to, therefore you do not know what they are going through

you can’t say, “oh, you’re all just so sensitive” or “it’s just an opinion” when clearly, this (tw: depression, suicide, family issues, gender and sexuality, body positivity, etc) topics is/are sensitive to most content creators, to most people. some brush it off fine, and take a while to reach their boiling point, but not everyone’s like that. you can’t tell people how they should react to your random spewing of hate. each person has their own level of tolerance, so don’t go off and assume that everybody online is the same and grew from the same fucking tree.

some or most people use writing/drawing/etc. as a means to cope with what shit life has thrown at them; and then you, being so stupidly ignorant, just waltz in and drop that bomb on what possibly, could be the only ray of sunlight they have in their life, especially now in this bleak year.

receiving anon-hate or hate-asks should not be the norm. it is not and never will be okay. i thought you were here to critic their work, why even joke about something that could have been personal to someone? why even joke about these kinds of things in the first place? why even bring up something that might have been a personal issue when all you had to do was critic their work?

my god, stop acting like a boomer already. tbh the audacity of some people here, idk. if you’re not going through anything at all, then may god/brahma/allah/whichever supreme being you believe in or whatever good karma it is, bless you.

it’s not that one should sympathize, or, it isn’t also expected of people to full on empathize, but a little respect goes a long way. why don’t we try to put ourselves in the shoes of the person we’re about to send that hate-ask to. if not us, how about that close friend who’s easy to bring to tears, or mom, or cousin? wouldn’t it be aggravating? wouldn’t it be painful?

well... who am i to assume, i don’t even know you. get it?

just please, acknowledge that everyone here is human. they have emotions, they have their own thoughts, they have their own lives outside of the screen. how they choose to portray themselves here has nothing to do with you. how they choose to react to that hate ask doesn’t have to do with anything you should concern yourself with.

LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS. LET PEOPLE LIVE THEIR LIFE THEIR OWN WAY, both virtual and in reality.

i know this post won’t get too far, but i have had enough of seeing the nicest people, who just wanted to express their creativity and share the happiness and the fun, be put down just because of unnecessary hate. i hope those people who send those in never get to experience that, or if they have, i hope they understand that doing so to others isn’t going to change anything about themselves.

#no to anon hate #stop hating #everybody is human #APPRECIATE CONTENT CREATORS #ITS FREE REAL ESTATE #spread love not hate #spread legs not hate #leesten

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megan-cutler · 5 years ago

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Where have I been?

You may have noticed that I vanished into thin air for about three months. I’m sorry about that. It wasn’t intentional. It just kind of happened. Why did I poof? For a lot of reasons. The biggest one is that my life has been hectic for the last year and, somewhere around July I just couldn’t juggle all the balls I needed to keep in the air. I felt crushed beneath an ever-growing pressure to keep up with way too many things. Something had to give. Somewhere, somehow the burden had to be lessened. Tumblr ended up being one of the things I had to set aside. Not forever, just for awhile. Why Tumblr? To be honest, I’ve never been entirely happy with the kind of content I share here. It took me a long time to get a sense for Tumblr and the kind of content people are interested in ingesting here. And while I do feel like I have a pretty decent grasp on that now, I’ve never felt like I quite managed to provide the right kind of quality or depth of content. It’s always been my intention to change my Tumblr feed to suit that vision of what I feel is good content for this site. But for a long time I felt like I just needed to keep posting - that speed, that any content at all was better than quality content. I thought, perhaps, if I walked away for a little while, it would be easier to come back and do something new. I never meant for the hiatus to last as long as it has. I would like to say it’s over now, but I’m not entirely sure how long it will take me to start posting the kind of stuff I really want to post on a regular basis. What does the future look like? In terms of how things are going for me, personally, outside the interwebs - my husband and I finally found a house. It took us a year and it was a long, grueling, frustrating process, so we’re really quite happy to be at the end of it. BUT that also means that November is going to be a high-stress month full of painting, renovations and moving. So while things are going well, and I do feel like I have my writing and publishing work back on track (it teetered for quite awhile), we’re not quite in the clear as far as extra and stressful things we need to tackle. But I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I’d like to do for this blog moving forward. I’m thinking I’d like to do themes every month and make everything I post relate to them. Obviously, I’d like them to be writing / creative related, since that’s always been what this blog was supposed to be about. I would really love to feature some Inktober stuff next month, if I get the chance. (This will all depend on how things on the moving front are shaping up.) I’ve also got a re-release of Eternity’s Empire coming up, so it’d be awesome to talk a bit about that while it’s happening. November is, of course, NaNoWriMo, so I’d like to have a lot of novel planning and writing info on the blog for the month for anyone who is participating and looking for information or tips. Not sure how that will shape up with us moving (and me trying to participate o_o;) but I’ll give it a shot! After that I might like to focus a month on planning. A month on maps. A month on first drafts. Stuff like that. That way I’ll really feel like I’m posting useful things the bulk of the time instead of filling up with memes just to keep the blog running. For anyone who may have been worried when I vanished, I apologize. As I said, it was never my intention to vanish without a word, things just sort of happened that way. I hope I’ll be back soon, and I’m looking forward to re-connecting with all of you <3

#not dead #just busy #writing #writer #writeblr #writblr #coming soon #sorry i vanished

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ontowanderlust · 6 years ago

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Is this what [love] feels like?

Note: I’ve been in stumps lately, I decided to encode the story I’ve last written during one of my classes.

Notice that this one isn’t the same style as my previous writings and I am quite happy about how this turned out.

My semester for this year in Uni is done so that means I have more time to do stuff although as I have mentioned, I am in stumps lately and if you guys could do me a favor, please help me get out of writer’s block by requesting or just talking to me in general... I’d like to know more about my followers... :)

Speaking of followers, I have gained what, 138 followers in my hiatus period??? Wow. I honestly don’t know what to say. That’s like- I mean, I’ve never even gotten like a hundred before so thank you to those who followed me even though you aren’t getting new stuff daily.

On the side note, I’d also like to ask permission to try something new and write about Loki, my love because I refuse to acknowledge Infinity War even if I have never seen that movie yet. (Yes, I’ve been spoiled but it is to my consent)

Right. I did forget my promise to some lovely followers of mine so I shall tag them at the bottom? (That’s how it works right?)

=MASTERLIST=

Prompt: Is this what love it feels like?

You say you never met anyone like me, that this is the first time you’ve encountered a situation like this.

In my haze to grasp the events unfolding before me, I’ll say things I’ll never mean; things I am sure to regret come morning but it was the heat of the moment, and it felt just right to say those words no matter how wrong it seems.

You know I’m slipping, we both know there’s a chilling foreshadowing and if you were to wish it, with poorly chosen words, it would be the end of things as we know it.

Never have I felt such intensity, tell me, just how did this happen?

How could we allow this to happen? Are we done? Is this... over?

I couldn’t help but think so poorly of you, my dear when really, you never fail to surprise me- a feat not easily achieved because instead of heading that destructive track I am so sure you’ll take- you step back.

Just an inch, with that fierce temper of yours withholding such barricade of short circuited emotions.

Neither of us dared to move as if we are afraid of setting of the ticking bomb.

Silence found us, giving me the opportunity of seeing the damage I have inflicted upon you.

I’m sorry, I wanted to scream. I’m sorry, have I pushed you too hard this time?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

This feeling... this familiar feeling of helplessness could never measure up to the destruction before me and I am to blame.

Eyes burning, a tear escaped followed by the other and then comes another.

I should never have done this. I should never have condone to this but I am selfish... too selfish.

You heaved out a sigh, and then deep breaths. You’re calming yourself, what for? What could you possibly ask of me?

Averting my eyes- I am in no position to look at you anyway- I stood to my ground, fearing for the worst.

And yet, it never came.

Your arms wrapped around me, as if you were afraid I will vanish, disappear.

No.

You were supposed to leave, you were supposed to walk out of that door and out of my life.

You were supposed to...why aren’t you doing what I expected you to do?

Why are your arms tightening around my waist, your head snuggling to the hollow side of my neck as if you were drawing comfort?

You are angry, are you not? So enlighten me, my dear.

Why are your actions screaming assurance?

Why do my fears wearing down as you refused to let go of me? I...don’t understand.

I hurt you.

Your tears, I don’t know if you know but I could feel your tears seeping through my tunic and yet, you refused to let go of me, my heart clenching at the mere thought of you abandoning me, just like everyone else.

And so you stayed. I hurt you, and you stayed.

Is this...is this what it really feels like?

Tag, you’re it!: @annymcervantes

>I apologize for not tagging you sooner. Though, I am not sure if you’d like to be tagged on different fandoms and such besides OUAT...<

#because I refuse to acknowledge Infinity War #AU at some point #Loki x Reader #Loki imagine #Loki of Asgard #my bae!!! my one true love!#Tom Hiddleston x reader #Tom Hiddleston imagine #Loki Odinson #Loki Laufeyson #Loki #Loki x you #MCU #Marvel Universe #Marvel #angst #angsty imagine

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thinkyoureholy · 7 years ago

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Gone Bad

[A/n:Happy birthday @61chogiwae 💕💕 I hope you like it, It was a lot of fun to write 😄 I wrote this up as fast as I could just for you!:) It’s still the 31st here so like you can say I’m early...lololol happy birthday and happy new year!]

Pairing : Park Chanyeol/ Reader

Genre : Angst, Idol!AU

Words : 1.4k

Soloist Y/N pregnant? Who could be the father?

Park Chanyeol denies any and all rumors about being in a relationship with Y/N

What is the truth? Could this really be the end of Y/N’s career?

You groaned loudly, throwing the tablet that was in your hands down onto the table in frustration. At this point you were ready to rip the hair off your head, these stupid rumors putting a dent into your career. Your manager suggested you put a stop to all these rumors by providing proof that you weren’t pregnant, which you most certainly were not, and to deny your relationship with Chanyeol.

“Y/N it’s either this or go on hiatus for awhile, at least until this whole thing blows or.”

“You and I both know that’s not going to happen any time soon. The public feeds off of drama like this and they won’t just let me come back as if nothing happened.” You said, a heavy sigh leaving your lips.

“What does the company want me to do?” You asked after a moment of silence between you and your manager.

“They want you to go on tour...that way people can see you’re not pregnant and that you and Chanyeol have nothing to do with each other. The CEO wants you two as far away from each other as possible, at least for the time being.”

You thought this over, trying to think of an alternative to having to leave for months on a world tour but you came up empty, “How long does she want me gone?”

“Six months.” He muttered, not sounding to happy about it.

“Six months?!” You exclaimed, sitting up in your chair at the news, “Does she think I’m some kind of super human? My tours have never been longer than two months! Now she wants me to go on tour for half a year?!”

Your manager seemed to share your attitude on this ridiculous proposal. Since he would also need to go with you, you can only imagine how much he’s missed his family while he was gone. It was in this moment you felt sorry to him for having to manage someone like you. Ever since your debut the media has been trying to bring you down and it was his job to keep you from doing anything that might harm your career which was easier said than done. You had the tendency to do what you wanted which only caused trouble for your manager.

“Even if I was somehow able to give the media proof that I’m not pregnant I’d still have to go on that tour wouldn’t I?” You asked, running your hands through your hair in frustration.

“By the end of the month.”

With a heavy sigh you nodded, getting up from the table and gathering your things before saying a quick goodbye to your manager and leaving the company building. Once outside you put on your mask, lifting the hood of your sweater up and over your head so it covered most of your face. Now that you were alone the severity of your situation weighed down on your shoulders. You knew that coming back from rumors like this was difficult, even if most forgot there will always be a small percentage of people that will bring it up any chance they get. With another sigh you took out your phone and dialed Chanyeol’s number, the idea of being alone tonight upsetting you.

“The number you are trying to dial is no longer in service.”

Pulling the phone away from your ear you stared at it in confusion, thinking maybe you dialed the wrong number. Dialing his number again, and checking to see that it was right you called once again, only to hear the same message. You looked down at your phone in disbelief, your heart shattering as you knew what he was doing. He was cutting you out of his life, throwing you out like you never meant anything to him in the first place. You scoffed in utter disbelief, your vision blurring as your tears tried to escape. You stopped walking, looking up to the sky to prevent them from falling, a bitter smile taking purchase on your face.

“If he wants to leave when things get bad then fine, I’m not going to wait around for him.” You said to yourself, trying to keep your voice steady.

-7 Months Later-

A month after the tour was over you were already preparing for your next comeback that was scheduled for next week. Your return to Korea went a lot better than you had originally thought. You had somehow managed to make a name for yourself while you were overseas, your previous single had miraculously made it to the top of the charts all over the world. You were invited to talk shows in America, Canada, Chile, Germany, and had various radio interviews in almost every city you visited. It was a busy six months but it’s what kick started your career overseas and had everyone in Korea forget all about the scandal you were involved in. But just because everyone else had forgotten about it didn’t mean that you had, the ache you felt in your ache when you would remember that Chanyeol simply up and left hitting you every once in awhile.

……

“Y/N you ready?” Your manager asked, having double checked that your mic and in ears were working perfectly a few moments before.

You nodded, giving him a thumbs up before running on stage, a huge smile on your face at hearing the crowd erupt in screams.

Giving the fans once last wave you stepped off stage, panting heavily. You gladly took the water and napkin your stylist gave you, dabbing the sweat off your face while taking a sip of your water. With tired steps you made your way back to your dressing room, removing your jacket and handing the mic to one of your stylists. Opening the door to your dressing room you were surprised to see someone you hadn’t seen in almost a year standing there. Your eyes met his, the emotions you felt months ago hitting you all at once. First you felt sadness, your heart dropping to the pit of your stomach but then came anger. All the anger you felt for weeks came running back to you.

“I want to speak with him alone.” You said, your voice void of any emotions.

Without a word your stylists and manager left you and Chanyeol alone, knowing better than to question you when you were like this.

“What are you doing here?” You asked, taking the gloved you were wearing off and throwing them aside.

“I’m here to apologize...and explain everything.” He uttered, taking a step towards you.

You raised your hand to stop him from trying to come any closer, “Okay...tell me and then leave. I don’t want to see you ever again after you’re doing talking.”

“Y/n I still-”

“Don’t--don’t you dare say you still love me.” You cut him off, your voice cracking slightly, “If you truly loved me then you wouldn’t have just up and left. I needed you Chanyeol...and you weren’t there. You were supposed to be there for me through thick and thin but you-”

You choked back a sob, cutting yourself off before continuing, “So don’t start with your ‘I still love you’ bullshit because I don’t want to hear it.”

“Y/n it was either change my number and walk out of your life or have my company sue yours, that was the ultimatum they gave me. I didn’t want to have to be responsible for ruining what you worked so hard for.”

“What?”

“My company found out that it was someone from your company that spread these rumors to the media…”

“Chanyeol I swear if you’re lying to me-”

“I’m not...y/n I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have.” He cut me off, taking the last few steps towards you, his hands coming up to grab your forearms, “Everything I did was for you.”

“Don’t you get it Chanyeol? I would’ve given up everything for you, I still would. After everything I’d still choose you...so why couldn’t you do the same?” You cried out, shaking his hands off of you and walking out of the dressing room.

Little did you know you had just crushed any hope he had of coming back into your life, of showing you how much he really did love you. The heartbreaking sadness you felt when you found out he had changed his number and vanished from your life was the same feeling he felt when you walked out of that dressing room. In that moment he knew that nothing he ever said or how many times he apologized he would never be able to get you back.

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james-bionic-barnes · 7 years ago

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Update Part 2

A Heads-Up

Okay so, again I’d like to point out that I’m writing this at 4 in the morning so it’s definitely still sincere, but no one is going to see this if I post it at the time I’m writing this so this post (and probably even some asks) will be queued, but whatever I say in them I still definitely mean, I just want them to be seen & not be lost because of the time I’m posting them. Also, I’m going to divide this up a little bit through titles just so it’s easier to skip to the important parts because I’m probably going to ramble & type a lot in this, & I do want those who care to see my explanation as to what happened. Please AT LEAST read the TL;DR near the bottom (after the ‘read more’ link, that is) so that you can avoid my stupid rambling, but know briefly what happened.

My tentative plan is to be active tomorrow & respond to messages (& to any of my friends who might be reading this, I’m sorry that I’m not responding but I don’t want to do so at almost 4 am my time.) However, I am in an area that might be possibly affected slightly by Hurricane Harvey so if I lose power due to storms, I’ll respond on my phone as much as I can, although it’ll take me longer to type out the long messages that I’d like to, but when I’m free (I’m currently in the midst of unpacking & getting ready for school) I’ll respond as much as I can, since obviously, everyone deserves that.

The ‘read more’ link below starts with my actual explanation as to what happened to me & why I was gone for so long. If you read it, or even just skim it (which I’ll understand because I want to let people know what happened, & there IS a TL;DR near the bottom), I hope you understand. But no matter what, I love & appreciate you all <3

What Happened (in as few words as possible, which is still a lot)

So about right after I hit 3k & posted how I wanted to celebrate, I stayed offline for a bit because I was hanging out with family, with full intent to get back on & host a celebration for 3k followers & continue conversations with my friends as always, and ask everyone for opinions on what I should write next. About right after posting my last post, my family got into a tight spot financially, both my parents & as well as my sister & her husband. Obviously, we were all stressed about it despite the fact we knew we were probably going to be okay. But it was a major stress not knowing if my sister was going to be able to pay for groceries or not. Eventually, we got mostly out of that, however, but my stress didn’t really go away.

All summer I’ve been packing and getting ready to move to an apartment close to where I go to school, along with my mother moving in to help me. Even though I was extremely excited at the idea of decorating my own apartment and being closer to the school campus that I love, I was (and still am, honestly) extremely stressed about it. Even though I have my mom with me, the rest of my family (my sister & her husband, and my dad) are back home. But the entire process took forever (as moving does) and I just got more stressed as time went on since I was worried about not getting everything done. That, compounded with my regular stress and anxiety just snowballed on me and made my mental health take a nose-dive. I barely did more than stay in bed and sleep, or just marathon shows I’ve seen before just to let my brain rest a bit and get away from the stress.

I had a brief good period during late July - I celebrated my birthday as well as my mom’s, and I spent a lot of time with family and relaxed a bit. But then my sister began to have issues at work - and I mean issues. She works at the entrance desk of a psychiatric hospital. She deals with visitors before they are allowed back to visit patients, and obviously, there are mandatory requirements before you are allowed back. When a particular woman wasn’t allowed back, she began to physically threaten my sister, & attacked her verbally right in the lobby while my sister’s boss just stood there. The woman has returned twice and each time threatened my sister’s life and continued to attack her verbally and insult her, as her boss does nothing to help. On top of all this, my sister is pregnant with her first child - clearly, this isn’t an environment for her to be in if she’s possibly going to be threatened or hurt. Thankfully, she’s quitting, and hopefully she’ll find another job soon, since it’ll be tight financially for her again, but we’re praying everything works out.

But the biggest personal cause of stress has been school - I start Monday, and although I am now *mostly* moved into my apartment, I still feel under prepared. Not to mention that there was a screw-up in my financial aid process so I’ve been worried about that even though it’s probably fine. Still, school is my biggest source of stress, so now that it’s starting again I’m worried of it getting too much again like last time. Hopefully, since I’m in a different environment this year (with my mother & cats in an apartment, & not in a tiny dorm), my health (both physical & mental) should be better off as I have a lot more ways to cope with it. As some of you might know, I’m physically disabled & have chronic pain, so last year’s dorm situation was not ideal for my health. But now that my living situation is different, I guess I’ll just have to see how everything goes.

The longer I was away (and obviously, I’ve only “come back” just recently, if you can even say that), the worse I felt about tumblr & getting back on - I figured that since I hadn’t posted much writing before I left, if I came back saying that I might not be able to write for a while, I’d just be met with anger. Which, I admit, is a complete discredit to my followers - all of you that I’ve interacted with have been absolute sweethearts, and completely understand. But still, my anxiety got the better of me, and it just spiraled. And I especially felt like shit when it came to the idea of talking to my friends again - since I left every one of you hanging, I just felt like I’d immediately come back to not wanting to talk to me anymore. Which, even though I haven’t been able to speak to anyone yet, I still think it’s a complete discredit to you as well, since every single friend I’ve made on here has treated me with complete & utter kindness & love. And I’ve always made it a point to be kind to people and to always work to be the best friend I can be - which, clearly, I have not been doing AT ALL. I’ll talk to each one of you, I promise, and hopefully everything can be worked out and I can finally apologize to you, too, since each one of your friendships mean an incredible amount to me and I don’t want to lose any of them.

TL;DR - Why I Was Gone

tight financial situations with my family

moving to an apartment for school

school starting soon/financial aid mess up

my sister being threatened and her job & her financial situation now that she’s quitting and expecting her first child

worry that once I came back after being gone for so long, I’d just be met with anger and every one of my friends dropping me

My anxiety just making everything seem so much worse than what it’s probably is going to be, especially when I think of coming back & talking to my friends

& my mental health has been absolute shit since I left and until I get everything worked out here, it’s still probably going to be.

Apology (& this is the last thing, I promise)

So if you at least read the tl;dr, you got a brief idea of what happened to me and why I dropped off the face of the earth again. Despite all of what happened couldn’t exactly be avoided, and that I’m still accepting the fact that I’m allowed to not be okay, even if it’s for a longer period than I would want to, I still am so sorry I disappeared. Believe me, every day I was gone I was so torn about coming back and would go to the login page but would just psych myself out since I was so scared of the backlash I might be met with due to my anxiety causing me to worry about it. I thought of all of you & would read a bunch of my favorite fanfics of all of my friends just to help make me feel better when I had really bad days. But I’m sorry I never actually responded to anyone (that is, until I start to tomorrow, but my apology will still apply), & that I feel completely horrible for, and I don’t think I can get that across in few enough words to not sound pathetic or just to not make this post any longer. But I want everyone to know that I’m sorry for vanishing like that and for any hurt I may have caused during all of this.

After seeing tomorrow (I guess later today, technically?) what some of the reactions are to this, hopefully some of my stress will be a bit lifted about the anxiety of returning back here. Once school starts (and the actual true work starts, not just the opening week) and I find my routine, I plan to figure out exactly how active I can be. At the very least, I plan to be on as much as possible & respond to everyone & reblog, but I’m not sure yet how writing is going to go. If I’m able to, I might just start off with a drabble or two, maybe a one-shot. It all depends on how much free time I have after school starts and how I’m dealing with the stress. For now, I’m back on a writing hiatus (not that I was off of one much before I disappeared) but I’ll see what happens after all this settles down.

I’m still recovering, and a few of these issues are still ongoing, and obviously, mental health is always going to be a struggle for me, and whatever happens is pretty much unavoidable - it’s life, after all. But still, I ask that everyone is patient with me as I respond to asks and messages when I can. I promise I’ll get to everyone. I just need to get back up, and it might take a bit, but I’m going to work to get better, both with figuring out how active I can be, and as well as keeping myself healthy at the same time. For the meantime, I’ll queue up a couple of asks and maybe a few reblogs to appear after this, just so the most recent thing on my blog isn’t this mess.

Regardless of how people react to this, I am sorry about what happened. But I’m thankful for each and every one of you, and I hope that everything can kind of go back to where it was eventually. It’ll just take time, but I’m willing to work toward it if you all are. The people I interact with and the space I’ve created on here for myself (and hopefully, for others, too) has always been a place of love and support for me. It’s not something I ever take for granted - so thank you for all that you’ve done. I love you all <3

Sincerely,

Kathrynn

#personal #my apology #I'm sorry this is so long #but I'm nervous so I rambled #queued post

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