#the adhd has gone too far. please....

[purplespaceace]

very few characters actually have adhd in media, and when they do, what people mean by that is just that they fidget a lot, not that they have adhd. the only character with adhd I can think of where I’ve watched/read it and I’ve gone, “oh, this character actually has adhd” is Jake peralta from Brooklyn 99. so, here’s my take on how to write adhd, with examples from Brooklyn 99.

I’ll do the best I can to separate them into three categories; the three things people look for in adults with ADHD, which are rejection sensitivity dysphoria, an interest-based nervous system, and emotional hyperarousal.

I’ll also randomly bold and italicize bits so people with ADHD can actually read it.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, or RSD

Rejection sensitivity dysphoria makes people with ADHD overly sensitive to criticism, even if they perceive a rejection and there actually isn’t one. Their emotions are also very strong generally. Because of RSD, people with ADHD become people-pleasers and can develop anxiety because they’re so eager to please.

For me, RSD makes me cry an embarrassing amount for any little reason. in your writing, make your characters overdramatic, criers, and/or people-pleasers. They’ll have trouble saying no. They may also be over competitive, as their perceived rejection may include losing.

how does Jake show this in b99? When Jake comes up with a catchphrase and Rosa says it’s terrible, jake is far more hurt than he should be. He hates losing, and he gets overly upset whenever someone says they don’t like him or don’t trust him, etc. he’s also a people pleaser who has trouble saying no.

An interest-based nervous system

An interest-based nervous system includes hyperfocuses and an inability to pay attention. It stems from the fact that we can’t make as much dopamine as neurotypicals. This means that while neurotypicals get dopamine after completing a task, people with ADHD don’t. That means that people with ADHD don’t have any reason to do tasks, especially those they don’t like. This leads to executive dysfunction—people with ADHD will know they have to or want to do something, but they can’t seem to do it. people with ADHD hyperfocus on things that bring them dopamine. I was obsessed with warrior cats for three years. But hyperfocuses can also last a short amount of time—I’ll have a drawing idea in the middle of class and won’t be able to concentrate on anything else before I finish it. this is where our impulsiveness comes from. we can leap into things we think will give us dopamine without thinking, which can lead to injury. We also tend to tell people personal things they don’t want to hear because of this, and don’t have very good boundaries. We sometimes say whatever comes into our head, which can also result in us being rude on accident. Our voices can also get very loud or we can interrupt people frequently because we’re so impulsive. When people with ADHD hyperfocus, they can forget about anything else. I’ll forget to eat if I’m busy reading a Wikipedia article about feminism in the 1850s, and won’t go to the bathroom or drink water either. It’s also important to note that taking away distractions doesn’t help, because we can do things like pick at our skin and daydream—something that people with ADHD do a lot of. Because of executive dysfunction, people can call people with ADHD lazy or irresponsible.

people with ADHD can also be extremely indecisive because ADHD affects our executive functioning, and making decisions requires planning and prioritizing, and task initiation, which are both executive functions!

people with ADHD also have poor memory for important things, but tend to remember random bits of trivia. Poor memory leads to object permanence problems, which means people with ADHD can forget to call a friend back for weeks, forget that they need to read library books in a closed cabinet, or forget that the vegetables they got will go bad. People can sometimes say that people with ADHD don’t care about anything because of this.

people with ADHD can also be prone to depression because of under or overstimulation. Boredom feels painful for people with ADHD. If we’re overstimulated, we can experience sensory overload—if things are too bright or too loud, if too many things are touching us at once—often it’s not because the thing is too intense, but because too many things are happening at once.

We also have something some people call dolphin brain, where we jump from one thing to another. From the outside, it looks really random, but I find that when I’m talking to another neurodivergent communication is generally easier. For instance, someone with ADHD might see a bee at a baseball field and tell their team about the time they saw whales at seaworld because their little brother was also stung by a wasp there. people will see no connection on the outside, but it makes perfect sense to the person with ADHD.

people with ADHD can also be overachievers, either because they hyperfocus on schoolwork or their RSD makes it so that failing at something isn’t an option. people with ADHD can also be very controlling and stubborn, probably because we hyperfocus on something and cant handle it being any different, and any change to our plans can be seen as rejection.

we can also have a hard time ordering our thoughts or doing stuff like math in our head. a lot of the time I number my thoughts like, 1. this reason, 2. this reason, etc. even if theres only two or sometimes I just need the 1. as a transition for my brain. when I don’t write it down or organize it like that it feels like I’m trying to grasp ropes that have been covered in oil (it’s not going to happen) and then my brain gets all jumbled and I have to restart at the beginning. this is probably just me, but it feels the same way when I’m reading long paragraphs of something uninteresting, or even short bits of historical documents because the way they phrase things is really pompous and hard to process.

also, stuff like caffeine calms us down and helps us focus. people who don’t take medication (me) often drink coffee or caffeinated sodas to focus.

another random tip, but if your character with ADHD also is genderfluid or genderflux, they might have a hard time figuring out their gender sometimes, because we can be known to have a hard time putting our feelings into words or our brains will just go, “nope, not thinking about that right now” and move on, which can be pretty frustrating.

people with adhd also have a trait called time blindness, where we have no idea how long something takes and therefore can’t manage our time very well. this often results in us being late or just sitting around the house because we got ready way too early.

we also have something called consequence blindness—we do things and are completely unaware of the consequences. if I don’t brush my teeth, I get cavities. but I don’t think about that when I’m deciding I’m too tired to brush my teeth.

in b99, jake regularly stays up all night solving cases and watches documentaries on random topics. He’s also very distractible—when they’re trying to find the person who sent Captain Holt death threats in the train yard, Jake says he and captain holt should take a train trip together sometime. Jake says that he’ll forget Amy if they don't work together because he’s like a goldfish.

Emotional hyperarousal

This is the only thing people tend to include when writing characters: the fidgeting. People with ADHD tend to need more stimulation than others, so we’ll do things like draw during class and chew on pens.

people with ADHD can also have apd, or auditory processing disorder. we tend to watch shows with subtitles on and may take a second to process what you’re saying, or hear it wrong. The subtitles thing may be partially do to creating just the right amount of stimulation, but if I don’t have subtitles, me and my other friends with ADHD will watch tv with the volume turned up very high. People with ADHD also can have a hard time interpreting other people‘s tone and have a hard time controlling their own. They can be bad at social cues and have poor manners because we don’t pick up on that stuff.

people with ADHD also tend to observe everything or nothing at any given time, mostly based on the amount of stimulation they have—if they dont have a lot in their main task, they’ll need to take in something else at the same time. Likewise, if I’m hyperfocusing on something I often don’t notice anything else, like if someone asks me a question.

in b99, Jake fidgets with things a lot. In the intro, he’s picking up and examining a figurine on his desk, likely because he was bored with paperwork or some other task.

[stormkobra-5]

🍁Hi!

I stalk your page like almost every single day as I’m sure you’ve seen 😂

Could I request a ship please? 🍁

I’m an Aquarius, an INFJ, and I’m almost 30. I love art and poetry. I sing in a choir (love to sing)….I’ve been trying to make peace recently with a suspected ASD. So I can take things very hard even though I don’t always show it. People who don’t know me just think I’m very quiet but I overthink and get overwhelmed easily. Everyone tells me I’m a nice person…always up to try new things. Very loyal once I trust someone. Very intense with people I love. I’ve been told I can be too much. Need someone who can handle me I suppose 😅

I love your stories btw!! I reread them all the time 💖😁

Can’t wait to see who you ship me with ☺️

First of all. First of all. I have seen you. I see you all the time on my notifs and it always makes me smile you’re so sweet oh my god. As someone who also might have ASD I completely understand how you feel 🥺. Second of all? There’s never such a thing as too much love. At all. If anything, there’s never enough love in the world and the more you can give, the better. 😊 (🥺🥺🥺You reread my fics? I’m honored 😭😭😭)

I ship you with...

Oh?

What’s this?

Poe Dameron?!

Omfg?!?! Ok, so, you guys have a lot in common. I’ve always headcanoned that Poe has ADHD, idk why but I felt the need to add that! While he may not understand all aspects of ASD, or know much of it at all, he’ll most definitely be researching it once he knows you might have it. He’s there to offer his undying support and love. You probably met in a fairy-tale type of way...

Poe had had a day. It was just one of those days when it seemed that everyone and everything was against him, and everything was going wrong. Leaving BB-8 at his ship and Finn with explaining his absence, he’d decided to take a walk through the base.

He hadn’t gone far when he heard the soft sound of singing coming from one of the side-corridors; curious, he turned to investigate. Quietly, in an abandoned storage room, you were singing to yourself as you doodled in a sketchbook. Poe stood there for a minute, entranced by your voice, before clearing his throat awkwardly.

You jumped almost sky-high, making him frown and raise his hands as a gesture of meaning you no harm. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I just...” A sort of dazed smile landed on his face. “I heard you singing when I was on my walk, and uh... you’ve got a really nice voice.”

You lowered your head and averted your gaze, blushing up a storm. “Th-thanks...”

“I’m Poe,” He offered, coming closer. “What’s your name?” You told him, but your voice was so quiet and soft that he had to repeat it twice to ensure that he said it correctly. Your smile, bashful, made butterflies erupt in his stomach. “That’s an amazing name.”

“Thank you,” Your gaze flicked up to meet his briefly, and he swore he felt sparks. “It’s... It’s to meet you, Poe. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“I’m sorry to say I haven’t heard much about you,” Poe replied honestly, gingerly taking a seat opposite of you. “It okay if we change that?”

You looked like a deer in headlights as you puzzled through his meaning. When you realized what he meant, you stuttered out, “W-wouldn’t you rather spend your time with... with somebody important? I’m just a mechanic...”

“I’m with somebody important right now,” Poe answered, and your face lit up like a Life Day tree. Poe beamed at your reaction. “I wanna talk to you.”

“Oh...” Your smile would be engrained in Poe’s memory for his entire life.

Your eyes finally met.

“Okay.”

Spookable September

[randomstarmuffin]

Hm. What’s this? I seem to— drop something— oh! It’s the number 6. On a rug. Arug. Interesting :39

Spotify wrapped inbox prompt! Accepting (...but if anyone else is interested please do not expect it to be quite this long it very well could be but I am not capable of making length promises you really cannot trust me)

6. “Adhd” by Truslow (39. “Tonight You’re Perfect” by New Politics)

aw, geez, not on the-- i just had that steamed... now look what you’ve done, there’s a big ol 6 on the carpet. are you happy??? (actually though, i’m going to need to know how you somehow wrote 2 numbers -- I am counting the number you hid secretly in the emoticon -- of songs which are NOT on my arug playlist, but which DO completely fit. howd you do that huh??)

Sorry, there’s a clear reason I don’t post fics to tumblr usually lol. Behold, something that FAR exceeds drabble territory:

    “Stop!”

Doug drops back on his heels, instantly obeying. He already felt a bit winded, but now his lungs constrict in a terrible little squeeze that has nothing to do with running up a staircase and hiding in a tiny alcove under the hush of night sky where only the full moon can see them.

Maybe he’s stupid, especially compared to Arthur, but he’s pretty sure even he couldn’t have misread such an obvious sign. An obvious, bright and shining KISS ME, STUPID sign in the, like, atmosphere or whatever: the way Arthur had been looking at him, in how close together they’d been, in the way the conversation had naturally petered out and Arthur had glanced at his lips and leant in and closed his fucking eyes and–

And put up his hands to push Doug away by the shoulders not half a second later.

Which, fine. Doug can roll with it, and it’s not like it would really bother him if Arthur had actually changed his mind or just realized he wasn’t into it or wasn’t as comfortable as he’d thought at first or whatever.

But.

But.

The way he won’t meet Doug’s gaze anymore, and the way his posture straightened up—not just to stop bending down toward Doug, but also in that stupid way he gets when he’s feeling awkward or like he has something to prove. The way his expression is stabilizing into that level, flat, stupid mask he tries so hard to keep up all the time, and for what? His real smile—a little lopsided, a little crinkly in the nose in a way that makes his glasses ride up ever so slightly, if you’re watching for it—is a much nicer, more welcoming thing. It’s gone now, though, as surely fallen away and lost as tree leaves in winter.

The problem isn’t that Arthur’s drawing a line about the attempted kiss. The problem is that Doug can see in his eyes that he doesn’t feel differently; he’s feeling what Doug’s feeling, and he wants it as badly, and he fucking won’t go through with it.

That’s what hits Doug like a punch to the gut. He’s not worth trying.

Arthur’s arms drop back to his side, and then seemingly feeling that wasn’t enough to dispel the awkward tension (it wasn’t), he clasps them behind his back, too, for good measure. What, was he worried Doug would try to hold his hands?

“We… We can’t– We shouldn’t be doing this. I should…” he makes an aborted gesture indicating he means I should be going.

And, man. Fuck this.

Doug laughs humorlessly. “Why? I’m not on your list of pre-approved suitors, or whatever you do in your fancy ass castle? Can’t be seen ‘consorting’ with the hired help?”

Arthur flinches a little. Good.

“Doug–”

“No, Arthur, you listen up,” Doug interrupts, crowding into Arthur’s space despite his half-baked attempts to back away. He jabs a finger into his royal highness’s chest, hard enough that with any luck he’ll be feeling it far longer than only while it rests there. “Save that shit for your subjects, or whatever the hell. Don’t fucking tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. You don’t get to decide that for me. Sorry if that’s not what you’re accustomed to.”

“I’m not–” Arthur grits his teeth, just slightly, barely visible in the pale moonlight, a tick of irritation even he can’t mask completely. He takes an ever-so-slightly shaky breath. “I fail to see,” he amends carefully, sounding no more put off than he is delivering the upcoming week’s weather forecast (and all the more out of place because of it), “the need for you to– to be– like…this.”

He steps back again, and this time pushes Doug’s hand away as well. In its absence, he pointedly does not rub at the spot Doug’s finger had been, despite the fact that Doug’s 90% sure he accomplished his goal of making it bruise.

“Like what, Arthur?”

“Like– Just– Agh.” The little noise of aggravation he lets loose would be more gratifying if he weren’t literally turning away at the same time. “I should hardly think I’d need to tell you that.”

Doug crosses his arms and follows right along, keeping the same amount of distance between them. There isn’t much room up here on the observatory’s top deck for him to really go anywhere, after all.

“Oh? Don’t underestimate how stupid I can be. Try me.”

“You’re not–” Arthur takes a breath. “Do not put words into my mouth.”

“Ha!” Doug crows, triumphant. “So don’t put them in mine either, asshole.”

“I– Hff.” Arthur runs a hand up the bridge of his nose, under his glasses, knocking them askew. “Just– Forget it, okay. I… Please, Doug. Just forget about me, we can– We can just act like nothing ever happened.”

“Like nothing ever happened,” Doug repeats. Slowly.

“Yeah—Yes. I will just… We can avoid… That is, if I leave first, you can just wait here for a few minutes before following so Volcanon doesn–”

“Fucking hell, Arthur. Seriously?! First of all, you do realize that pretending we don’t fucking know each other is ten thousand fucking percent more suspicious in a town with a fucking population of twenty fucking people! Which we showed up to together, at the same fucking time? What do you want me to say, I tripped and fell over and—oopsie!—lost my memory, too? Fuck.”

Arthur frowns at him, and for as happy as Doug is to get some kind of reaction, a silent little frown is not going to cut it.

“Is that it, then?” Doug demands. “Or what, are you firing me? How much do you want me to pretend I have no godsdamned clue who you are, exactly? Should I re-introduce myself? My oh my, would you look at that, a real bona fide prince, how very exciting!”

Arthur’s frown pinches in the corner. “Do you want to be fired?” he asks, seeming to surprise even himself a little with the question. Doug would actually have really gotten a kick out of it, if only he’d asked several minutes ago when they were still laughing and the mood hadn’t gone to shit.

“Don’t change the fucking subject.”

“No,” Arthur says. “No, I want to know this. You keep bringing it up. If that’s what you want, I won’t stop you–”

“Do you remember that thing we just talked about, where you keep putting damn words in my mouth?”

“–as after all, it’s not like you really…” Arthur blinks at him, trailing off.

Doug rolls his eyes. “So that’s a no, you don’t.”

“I simply,” Arthur says, grimace very briefly twitching across his cheek, “do not see the point in keeping up the—let’s face it—ruse, if you will, when that is clearly not what you want.”

“Oh? Then, tell me. What is it I do want, huh?” Besides a single measly kiss.

(Which he’s clearly not going to get. And it’s so stupid, so stupid, because it’s not like he was even planning to act any differently, after. Nothing had to change—nothing would have changed—if Arthur had just let it happen to begin with. A kiss isn’t really a big deal, even if Doug’s skin is still crawling with the retracted potential of one. But now, well…)

“I believe I was recently informed how distasteful it is to speculate on behalf of other people,” Arthur replies, snippy and over-enunciated. Good. Doug wants snippy.

(It definitely doesn’t tickle that missed-potential itch.)

“Yeah? Well surely they also ‘informed’ you that it’s different when you have permission, right? Go on, lay it on me. Tell me how it is, oh imperial scholar, oh ye of infinite wisdom who always knows best. Hit me.”

It’s gratifying that Arthur, of all people, looks for half a moment as though he might have been considering taking him up on it, literally. Of course, he would never, but it’s the thought that counts. Especially with Arthur.

“Mmn. If I had to speculate. I would say what you want, what you have been expressly complaining about in no uncertain terms since we left the capital, no less, is for me to ‘get out of your hair,’ as I believe you once put it. I fail to see the problem with fulfilling those wishes now, is all.”

“Hah. Do you.”

As though that weren’t ages ago. As though everything hasn’t changed since then.

As though Arthur doesn’t know exactly how little Doug had been hoping Arthur would ‘get out of his hair’ moments ago, huddled in that alcove. As though he doesn’t have eyes and can’t see how little Doug wants that now, either, despite Arthur’s best efforts.

And, really. It’s insulting and he knows better. He’ll have to try much harder than this.

“I merely wish to be conscientious.”

Doug snorts. “Sure. Call it what you need, buddy.”

Arthur opens his mouth, but falters at the last second before he can say anything more.

And Doug could almost scream, because he realizes a half second before it happens that he’s lost. That he’s lost Arthur, lost him to himself, to his thoughts and worries about every godsdamned thing except the one thing he ought to be looking out for: himself.

And not what he thinks that should mean, not how people see him and what they think of him and how his actions will reflect. Him.

Doug watches Arthur slam the door on himself, not for the first time, and, for the first time, wonders if Arthur even knows what that means. If he even knows what he’s doing to himself.

Doug’s been playing this part for a while now, pretending to be the sort of stalwart companion they both know he obviously isn’t. He would even say he’s been doing a good job of it, that it’s worked out well for the both of them, all things considered. And, fine, he can admit it—he was trying. He didn’t have to put as much effort into it, not when they’d already left the capital and there wasn’t anyone else around who could have filled the role even if Arthur had wanted them to.

But Doug had tried. And that’s not easy to admit because it is quite clearly contrary to his cause, but– How could he help himself when he’d caught a glimpse of what he could find behind the façade?

And where exactly had that gotten him?

Whether Arthur can see Doug’s turmoil, he can’t be sure, but either way he is unmoved to change his mind and continue talking. He takes a breath and with naught more than a prim nod turns gracefully on his heel and resumes his approach of the exit, neither too hurried as to betray frustration or anger nor too slowly as to betray hesitance or remorse.

Unbidden and despite the fact he’d known to expect this as soon as he saw the shift in Arthur’s expression, Doug scoffs, a sound of disgust and scorn and deeply unpleasant surprise.

And maybe some unpleasant surprise at the unpleasant surprise, too. Like… It’s not really that important. Doug doesn’t care that much about this. About Arthur.

And really, even though he does, what had he been expecting all this time? Why let it get this far? He knows what has to happen. He’s always known! He’s worse than Arthur’s being right now, if he really deluded himself into thinking he could have this and achieve his goal at the same time and everything would stay all hunky-dory. If he thought he could get this close and expect there to be no consequences.

Because now, as Doug watches Arthur rebuild his walls twice as high and twice as thick, he realizes he can’t do this.

Sure, he shouldn’t do this, he’s always known that, deep down. He let himself do this for far too long, it’s true. But all this time, it’s been because he could do it, because there wasn’t anything to stop him, because he could keep idly poking and prodding and being rewarded with more pieces of the puzzle.

But he can’t. Not anymore.

It’s not that he thinks those walls are insurmountable. Frankly, given enough time just standing here staring him down, Doug thinks it would be pretty easy to bring them crumbling to dust again. Not like it’d be the first time, after all.

And it’s certainly not that he’s seen a side of Arthur he finds repelling—if anything, he’s seen more evidence tonight that Arthur is capable of fighting for himself than not, which is… Well, not worth examining further, right now, however it might make Doug feel about him.

He can’t do this because Arthur is capable of being this person Doug can see, so clearly, who has so obviously been dying to get free, all this time, but he keeps choosing not to be.

And Doug is too in l–

He. Is too…involved to keep watching him do it.

If Arthur wants to keep doing this to himself, then, hey, that’s great. It’s not like it has ever once been Doug’s place to tell him what to do with himself. (Not like he’d ever listen even if he tried.)

But it is Doug’s place to choose what he does, and he can’t let his choice be to watch someone take everything they have to offer and smother it, over and over and over and over.

He’s lost too much. He can’t keep losing Arthur, again and again.

(If his revenge consists of getting rid of the people responsible for his losses, paying them back, giving them as good as what was got, how could that possibly figure in this? Who is he supposed to be mad at, if it’s all one and the same? What is he supposed to do about it?)

Much better to just be done with it than stand around and let it happen.

So, Doug watches Arthur retreat, chin high and immoveable and untouchable, as he’s done several times before. And he knows it’s not enough. There’s no finality in it, there’s only Arthur’s expectation—whether Arthur is aware of it or not—that eventually Doug will, once again, follow his lead, no matter how plentiful or loud his grumblings about it will be. He’ll still be there anyways.

And for just one second, Doug allows himself to imagine that things are different. That he can and will do just that.

Maybe it wouldn’t have to be just a daydream, hidden in a secluded area under the moonlight.

Maybe it’d be something they could figure out in concert, in harmony, more than the first draft of a melody only they can hear, something real and open and true.

Maybe it’s something they could learn to do together.

“Maybe it’s time to just admit it,” Doug says coldly, freezing Arthur’s retreating back in place on the stairs. Like this, they’re about the same height, and Doug appreciates how it makes boring holes into the back of that stupid, entitled, idiotic blonde head easier.

“…Admit what?” Arthur asks slowly when Doug doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t turn around.

“Admit that we’ve done all we can do for each other. We made it to Selphia, like you wanted—woulda been nice to have a head’s up there, by the way! And you already know I’m not really here because I cared about…attending to you, or honor, or whatever. So we’re good,” Doug replies dismissively.

Arthur still does not turn. “…We did achieve the first aim I intended to pursue, yes. And as I said, I will not stop you if you do not wish to retain your position. However, if you are under the impression I have accomplished everything I set out to do, you are mistaken.”

“No, you’re right,” Doug agrees.

Arthur is playing the specifics close to his chest, so Doug may not know everything, but he knows Arthur is clearly up to something when late into the night most nights, he can still be found pouring over records and receipts and maps and recovered journal entries by candlelight. Doug doesn’t really get where all of the documents even come from, but he knows there’s a kind of rhyme and reason to the haphazard way they end up in towering stacks on one side of Arthur’s desk, same as the so-called organization of his extensive collection of glasses.

What exactly Arthur’s secret agenda is isn’t important, though. The problem is and always has been Doug’s agenda. Selfishly, he hopes Arthur is clever enough to figure that out himself.

“But,” Doug continues, biting out the words, “as far as what you wanted—why bother pretending that it’s—that we’re—nothing when, clearly, it really was nothing. So. Later. It’s been real.”

Arthur turns around then, stricken. Doug has never seen such an expression on his face. Maybe he shouldn’t like the heady curl of pleasure he takes in having caused it, considering the circumstances, but oh, does he.

Maybe it’s not fair, when he’s decided to be this way not because he doesn’t care, but rather because he has all at once discovered he cares entirely too much. But that angry part of him—the part that wants to just grab Arthur by the scruff and wring him around until he realizes how stupid he’s being, the part that hates being so entirely consumed by something ultimately futile, the part that just wants to take all the things burning him up inside out on everyone, someone, anyone, around him if only so he isn’t the only one in flames—that part of him wants Arthur to hurt, too. Even if it isn’t fair. Even if he doesn’t figure as much to Arthur as Arthur does to him. (Even if, improbably, heinously, unforgivably—he does.) He should still have to feel something at Doug’s absence.

“No, no,” Doug says, deciding to screw it, to let that part of him take over, “Go on, now. Please, don’t stop on my behalf.”

Yet.

It’s petty, and it’s desperate.

But the other part of Doug?

It really, really hopes he does. Please.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arthur can’t stop.

Arthur would do a lot of things, ones he’d never really thought he’d have reason to, much less want to, on Doug’s behalf.

Just, not stop.

If he stops, he may never start again. If he stops, and admits that he—enjoys? Covets? Anticipates?

Desires, ardently?

—the time that he spends in Doug’s company, that he wants nothing more than to go back to that quiet, shining moment in the alcove across the observatory deck and freeze it and trap it in a jar and hold it close so he can live in it forevermore? If he admits that, he has to admit that there’s no purpose to what he’s seeking out, that finding it—finding her—won’t give him what he wants. That he’s spent all this time searching for something in the entirely wrong places.

That the thing he wishes for above all else wasn’t really anything special, that there wasn’t a deeper meaning behind it, that there wasn’t a reason he can point to. That it’s something one can just happen upon by accident. That there’s nothing to earn, nothing to prove, no epic quest required to win the right to glittering riches unimaginable.

That it’s incidental, and small, and plentiful, and common, and he’s spent so long chasing a dead end lead with such single-minded focus that he’d missed it every time it’s been right in front of him. Or if not it, then—the truth of it, which is something of equal, or perhaps even greater, import to him.

He can’t admit that. He knows it can’t be true. He has evidence, eyewitness testimony. It’s a pledge and it’s a duty and it’s a struggle and it cannot be easy or else how much time will he have wasted?

It’s difficult. Everyone says so. He knows it to be so.

But, says the errant little voice in his head, did you ever think to ask in which ways it should be?

Arthur can’t stop, and there’s a reason he’d had to beg Doug to do it earlier, to stop, instead of pulling away from that almost-kiss on his own.

Kiss. Had they really almost…?

Not that it means anything, necessarily. There are plenty of reasons to do something like that. Plenty of reasons that aren’t the only one Arthur can seem to conjure up, which is really more of a laughable non-reason than anything concrete or real.

He had simply wanted to.

They had been so close, and Doug had been right there, and that had been the only thing he could think—not even really think, truly. More like, he hadn’t been thinking, or couldn’t think, and had only possessed an impulse to do it, and… Well, and nothing else. Scarily, he doesn’t think he has a better justification to point to.

So, it’s– It’s good Doug had listened to him, that they’d avoided it. How unnecessarily complicated; how improperly had Arthur been willing to take advantage of someone he held a position of power over.

(…Technically. Sort of. Not that it means anything in practice. He thinks, if the mood were different, Doug would laugh himself to tears if he suggested this aloud, and say something about how Arthur wishes that were the case.)

Arthur doesn’t suggest it aloud. Instead, he meets Doug’s eyes, belatedly realizing they’re at height with his own, owing to his being on the steps. They catch on the moonlight and flash that fascinating striking silver; there’s steel in them, too, now, but also something else, molten and alive and demanding, all at once anvil and ingot and hammer alike.

If only Arthur could figure out which shape they’re being stricken into.

Something is different about this, as compared to every other time Doug has complained and threatened to leave Arthur’s “sorry ass” behind to be torn apart and eaten by palm cats on his own, that he has better things to do than babysit a “grown-ass” man all day.

(Are all of Doug’s insults ass-related, now that Arthur thinks about it? It’s not something to ponder on right now, but it’s hard not to consider all the same.)

Arthur really must be out of it, but either Doug doesn’t realize or doesn’t care that that’s the case, because he seems to take Arthur’s continued silence to be its own kind of answer. Something changes, a shift in his weight or a twitch in his expression, something Arthur can’t quite put his finger on but can’t help noticing all the same.

Doug blows an angry huff of air, and Arthur can tell he’s hesitated too long. He’d thought they could salvage this and just go back to how things had been, but he misstepped somewhere, and he just can’t figure out where.

He doesn’t exactly get a chance to mull it over, though.

Under his breath, almost like he doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but also sort of like part of him absolutely does, he says, “Figures you’d leave too. I guess that’s all you ever learned to do, huh?”

Arthur nearly doesn’t recognize the nasty voice lowly gutting him in an afterthought, pulling apart every single piece of his insides, sizzling as it cuts through him, but he doesn’t have time to dwell about the tone or the speaker when the words have seized him to the point of gasping for air.

It’s a swift, violent thing. For the way it dismantles every conscious thought and sensation in his body, if he had the slightest bit left of his propriety he’d almost say it was a mercy, such an expedient—such an accurate, precise—execution.

But he can’t breathe, doesn’t remember how, isn’t sure if he wants to, so how can he possibly be expected to respond?

But an assassin’s job isn’t to torture, is it? Get in, finish it, get out. Arthur still doesn’t know the whole story, but it may as well be the truth, too, for everything he does know about why Doug dropped himself onto his doorstep in the first place.

Regardless of how well-trained for it he is, Doug wraps this hit up quietly, short and to the point. And Arthur almost wants to thank him for it.

“Don’t worry,” Doug says, voice so close to Arthur’s ear and so very, very far away. “I’ll save you the trouble.”

And he shoulders past Arthur and just.

Leaves.

Arthur isn’t sure how long he stands there, feet on stairs at different heights, nearly-but-not-quite-by-a-step-or-two on the observation deck all alone, growing cold in night air. There’s a chill in it, absent of a breeze but rather of the type that merely sinks directly into your bones without any motion, the kind your body involuntary soaks up like a sponge. He doesn’t remember how Doug left, exactly, though he supposes, with no shortage of hysteria, that he must have used the stairs to do it.

(With no shortage of hysteria, he’s very briefly struck by the thought that he wouldn’t, technically, have had to do so, necessarily, but he shuts that off before he can picture how such an improvised exit would end. He can’t even think it.)

(Besides, how could he have done that when Arthur knows Doug had pushed past him on his way out?)

(He had. Surely, he had. Arthur can feel the phantom burn of his touch blistering his side. He hadn’t imagined that.)

(Right?)

Arthur is on the floor of the observatory deck, the Selphian observatory deck, and he isn’t quite sure how he got there, but all he can think is that this is what he wanted, this is what he asked for.

He’d been begging for this, to be alone, to have his legs collapsed out from under him (somehow, miracle of miracles, not on the stairs but on flat, solid deck, though he’s not sure when that happened, either). His knees, he realizes, sting from the impact of falling on them. He wanted… He wants–

He needs help.

It’s so simple. How he hadn’t realized before is impossible to know. He can’t do what he came here to do on his own.

But things had changed, hadn’t they. Without his noticing, without his permission, without his appreciation, Arthur had gained something he’d never once in all his 19 years had, and he hadn’t even realized it until it was gone. Someone who truly listened, and cared, and not because they were on a payroll, and not in spite of it. Someone who stuck around despite all-too-oft expressing frustrations about situations he’d put them in. Someone who hadn’t known him all his life, and hadn’t asked to hear about it, but had remembered anyway. A confidant.

A friend.

And maybe…

If Arthur hadn’t been so stupid, and blind, and senseless, maybe tonight he could have even been more. Maybe he already had been, and Arthur simply and foolishly had insisted he wasn’t. Hadn’t let him be.

Maybe, despite everything Arthur’s ever known telling him otherwise, maybe that fleeting moment, that moment-before-a-first-kiss, in which everything had felt perfect–

Maybe it really had been?

He struggles with it, but at least the air comes easier to breathe, now. Nothing that feels perfect ever really is. Arthur knows this. He’s always known.

Focusing on the basics always helps. Perfect is imaginary. It’s not real. By definition, it is untouchable and unquestionably impossible.

But.

But the stars shining in Doug’s silver eyes, iridescent in the moonlight. But the lingering echo of his muffled laughter, like a barrier holding out the rest of the world aside from just them two. But the gentle weight of his touch, branding Arthur’s forearm where he holds it.

Perfect is a fabrication, it is a standard to be upheld, it is expected.

Perfect is not something that knocks you so hard off your feet that you tear through the knees of your trousers, that catches you so unaware that you haven’t even realized you’ve fallen until you hit the floor.

Arthur knows this. He knows many things, and he knows this.

But.

Oh, but.

But he believes, for the first time in a long, long time—a startlingly, shockingly, quakingly long time—he believes tonight. He believes tonight had felt perfect.

Being nearly caught by Volkanon after assuming the head butler would have already been asleep, immediately after they’d stolen out of the castle with an assortment of documents even a visiting prince really shouldn’t have been privy to, which they’d filched from the castle basement and which had still been very much on Arthur’s person. Doug snatching his arm when he’d frozen stiff, quickly but discreetly dragging him away in the opposite direction. A near miss with Forte coming around the corner on patrol, Doug yanking Arthur back into the observatory stairwell just before the Dragon Knight could spot them.

Of course, it’s not like they’re fugitives. There would have been no reason for Forte to think anything amiss even if she had seen them, and as Doug himself has pointed out, it’s more suspicious to draw attention to the issue by pretending something obviously untrue. If they had just kept walking, no one would have stopped them from a pleasant if somewhat late night out strolling Selphia’s streets. Even Volkanon would have likely only had an exuberant greeting for them and asked how their night was going, none the wiser about what Arthur was concealing in his coat.

But had that mattered? Had it mattered that it had been unnecessary when Doug, face flushed with adrenaline, had started wheezing quiet giggles about the overreaction, had turned to Arthur, eyes bright, and said, “Race you to the top,” and taken off up the stairs before Arthur could stop him.

Had it mattered that they could have kept walking, when Arthur finally made it to the top (a bit more out of breath than he’d like to admit) and realized he couldn’t see Doug, and he’d wandered onto the deck apprehensively, halfway through quietly calling his name a second time when he’d been bodily tugged into an alcove he’d never once even noticed before. When he’d stumbled into Doug, who had been been right up against him, laugher still singing in his eyes and the crinkles in his face, and Arthur hadn’t been able to help himself from laughing too.

It hadn’t mattered. It hadn’t been anything noteworthy at all, in fact, not any part of the whole thing.

And it had been—wonderful. Exciting. Thrilling for no reason in particular, not due to any real danger, not for any reason Arthur could think to give. It had just been…unreal. Perfect.

And Doug—Doug had been perfect.

No, not just that—Doug had made Arthur feel perfect, too. And that’s nothing anyone’s done in… Since…

Has anyone ever?

Has he ever felt such a perfect, whole sense of belonging, such a perfect reason to just be, to screw all the other noise and nonsense and not worry about everything else around him and just be, there, in the moment, with someone else by his side? The way Doug, without even trying, had done tonight?

At least, before Arthur went and ruined it.

Ah.

Right.

What does it matter, what does it matter, for Arthur to realize any of this now? Doug already left. He isn’t there to help Arthur back on his feet. He isn’t there to tell Arthur if he should keep running, or if he should stand and fight, or anything else.

How unbearable, to only realize how far and fast and deep he’d fallen after he’d already absolutely screwed up his best chance to do something about it, tonight.

Arthur rearranges himself carefully, mindful of his scraped knees. Out of habit, he pats the pocket of his coat containing the documents that had gotten him into this situation in the first place. They’re still there, safe and sound. He sits leaning back against the observatory railing and tips his head to gaze at the stars above him.

Arthur sighs. What Doug had said—that last part, at least—that had hurt. And the irony of saying it and then leaving himself? With a clearer head, Arthur can now say that was far worse.

And isn’t that just something. People say these sorts of things about him, have said them since he was a child, and he’s never paid them much mind. Sometimes they sting a little, he can’t help that, but never any worse than a prick of the finger. But tonight? But when Doug was the one saying it?

The worst part is, Arthur isn’t sure if he was wrong—about any of it. About Arthur running away, about them having already done all they could do for each other? About Arthur putting words in his mouth and expecting things from him that he’d never promised?

And had he truly meant it, that there was nothing between them? It hadn’t felt that way. The fire in Doug’s eyes hadn’t made it seem so. But how can it possibly be, that someone as direct and shameless at Doug would lie so unflinchingly, now, after all this time?

Unless…all of it had been a lie?

Arthur knows that could be true. Hell, maybe it’s even likely, given what little he knows about Doug and how very much he doesn’t.

He just…doesn’t believe it.

The stars twinkle on, laughing at him, and the moon watches, still and silent and calm. The clear, cloudless sky itself offers no great insights—though it does remind him that there is supposed to be a storm blowing in sometime in the next few days.

Calm before the storm, indeed.

It’s a little silly, but Arthur doesn’t have any energy left to combat silly, so he mutters, “If you were going to send a sign, wish you would’ve been a little more clear about that,” at the sky.

Predictably, he does not receive an answer.

[violetjedisylveon]

The Beast's Mother

Summary: Eda and the Owl Beast have to find a trusted healer for Enzo, and the Owl Beast's suggestion is an uncomfortable one to say the least.

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: Blood, mentions of blood, injury, burn injury, 2nd degree burn, fear, anxiety, pain, trauma.

A/N: So For The Future was awesome! I intended to post this ealier but, I didn't get the chance cause 1, I didn't see it til Sunday, I was binging Andor(it's a Star Wars show) with my parents, 2, there was some family stuff(my aunt in her 70s got her leg amputated at the foot and now has to go above the knee) and I had some wack sleep, like less than four hours of sleep sunday night, I watched the last of us and my brain would just not stop thinking or shut up, the benefits of ADHD, so, I was all messed up Monday and tired. I hope you all enjoy what I've got for you!

Eda raises two gods AU link here.

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Blood.

Deep indigo, the color of the skies on a clear, moonless night, and filled with stars and galaxies.

Shimmering, shiny star blood.

A scent tainted with fear and age.

The star child was afraid, hurt.

The Owl needed to come out, needed to protect the hatchling with every fiber of her being.

But the Owl could not heal.

The Owl needed the witch's magic to stay when her mind was gone into the dark of their shared consciousness. That would be very difficult, it was one body or another, never both, not equally at least.

Yes. The Owl could force something like that, the hatchlings would be less afraid if some of the witch remained in the physical form while the Owl took control, the witch was too easily worried by such things anyway.

The Owl would still have to fight the witch for control in this situation, but the witch was frazzled. Winning, while attempting this, would be easier.

The Owl clashed with the witch again, it was an easier battle than normal. Perhaps her witch knew she was trying to help.

This change was far more difficult than any ever had been for the Owl, she suspected her witch would not be pleased to find her body more sore than usual, but it was necessary.

The Owl found herself able to rear up and stand on her haunches. She examined her new form, it was a lot more red than usual, and it had more of the witch's traits, such as her bipedal stance, and the Owl hoped for her magic as well. The Owl still had all her teeth, the mane was shorter, a relief in the warm weather. She should convince the witch to keep it short. It certainly made flying easier. The Owl's talons were more like the witch's hands, and the gem on her chest had a faint golden glow. It was usually pure black.

She hoped it was a sign the magic was there.

The star child cried out the witch's name. The Owl could see their mind turning, perhaps her old friend recognized her. That was not important however, she had to heal the star child.

The Owl stalked forwards, the pup squeaked and barked at her, she chirped back reassurance, and he settled. The Owl sniffed the child's wound, they were remarkably calm, they must have sensed their mother's presence.

She growled at the piece of metal through the hatchling's leg. If she could remove it, this would be easier. She tried the witch's magic, but her lack of knowledge on how made it a useless attempt. 

So she tried biting at the metal stick, the hatchling cried out in pain and pushed her off. She growled and paced in front of the hatchlings, should any other threats make themselves known. She needed to think of a plan.

The witch would be too drained to heal the star child for several days, and there was no one else to be trusted with the child. The injury had to be taken care of now.

The Owl stopped and growled at the sun that was painfully bright to her nocturnal eyes.

An image of bright light shining from the gaping jaws of a beast flashed in the Owl's mind.

Now there was an idea.

The Beast Mother could heal the hatchling, and the Beast Mother could be trusted.

The witch had not seen her Beast Mother in many moons, it was time for a reunion.

The witch needed allies and family if she truly was to raise her hatchlings. This was a good place to start.

All the Owl had left to do was inform the witch of her plan, and ensure she followed through. The Beast Mother would not take kindly to the Owl showing up on her territory.

Though the Owl did not have the witch's elixir, the Owl could, in this strange, more mixed form, relinquish control and return the body to the witch.

The child was talking to her, they were upset, they wanted the witch. So the Owl would give them the witch.

XXX

Eda heard crying from… somewhere beyond her vision.

It was dark.

Fuck.

She had to fight the Owl Beast for control now.

I really hope the bird brain leaves the kids alone. She thought bitterly.

She turned and the Owl Beast was standing behind her.

It wasn't chasing her.

That's new.

The beast was just standing there, staring at her with it's dark eyes.

"The hatchling is hurt." The beast's voice echoed in her heas.

"I know that bird brain, I-"

"You can not heal the hatchling." The beast cut her off.

"Fuck! Well what am I going to do now?! Leave the weathervane in Enzo's leg?!" Eda asked in exasperation.

"The Beast Mother can help. Find the Beast Mother." The Owl Beast instructed.

"Beast Mother?" Eda echoed.

She saw an image of fire glowing from the mouth of a beast with piercing, yet kind eyes.

Datura.

The Owl Beast wanted her to go to Datura.

"Will you go." It didn't sound like a question.

"If I have to." Eda admitted.

She really didn't want to. Datura had enough of her shit in the ten years she spent living under the wing of the Werebeast. She didn't want to cause more problems, even if Datura had never seemed to mind that much.

"You must!" The Owl Beast insisted, screeching in her mind.

"Okay! Okay! Fine! I'll see what I can do then go!" Eda shouted.

"It is for the good of the child, put your feelings aside." The beast growled as it retreated into the dark.

Eda found herself hunched over by the front door.

Her body was practically screaming at her with pain.

"e-Eda…?"

Her head shot up in the direction of the small, scared voice.

Enzo was backed against the door, holding King close to his chest with one arm, the other… their left arm had burn blisters on practically the whole limb, from their wrist to their shoulder.

It was swelling in some places and the skin was discolored a nasty angry red. Bits of shimmery blood oozed out.

"e-Eda? Wha-what was that?" Enzo asked in a small voice.

It took her a second to comprehend their words.

"Did I hurt you?" She asked softly, she held her breath.

Enzo shook their head, to her overwhelming relief.

"I fell, and…" Enzo trailed off, their gaze drifted to their legs.

His face turned pale and they looked like they were about to vomit and cry.

When Eda saw it, she felt like doing the same.

The weathervane was sticking out of Enzo's left leg. Blood still coated the tip, a smear of blood lead from where a tiny puddle had collected to where the kid was currently huddling against the door. The damn thing had gone through Enzo's leg.

"Eda…? I-i'm sorry…" Enzo whimpered.

Eda stared at the kid. Titan, they looked so terrified.

"What for?" Eda asked carefully.

"I got hurt… always mad when I got hurt… really mad…" Enzo mumbled.

Eda could only think of how satisfying it would be to rip the throat out of whoever did that to this kid.

Carefully, oh so carefully, Eda moved in and sat next to him.

"I'm not mad, I would never be mad if you got hurt, it's not your fault Starshine, it's nowhere near your fault." She spoke softly, Enzo was so easy to frighten.

"Are you sure you're not mad?" They wondered, daring to look at her

"I'm sure Starshine. I am upset, but not with you, I'm just worried about you, okay? That's all it is, I'm just worried, not angry." She reassured them.

They nodded and finally started to cry. She was both amazed and horrified by how long they managed to keep it in, even she would've been crying after something like that. The kid could certainly keep themself together if they needed to, but the possible reason behind that scared her more than anything else ever had.

Enzo cried into her, she very gently held them, being careful of his injuries.

"It hurts! It really hurts!" Enzo sobbed.

"I know, Starshine, I know it does." Eda patted their back lightly.

She could already feel that the Owl Beast had been right. Her magic wouldn't work. The beast had done something different and that had drained her more than ever. She didn't think her elixir would be able to bring her magic back fast enough, and too many of those in one day was often a bad thing. And her hands would be far too unreliable to perform the necessary extraction even if she did have magic.

I guess we will have to go to Datura.

"Here's what we're gonna do, Starshine, I'm gonna take you inside and get you something for your arm, and I've got a potion that'll make it feel better. And then we're gonna go visit an old friend of mine, she'll take care of your leg and get you feeling better in no time, that okay?" Eda prompted.

Enzo sniffled and tugged at her shirt.

"Why can't you do it?"

"My magic's not working right now, Starshine, I don't want to risk making it worse. My friend is very nice, she's got a Blossom Bat tree that fruits year round with the best fruit you've ever tasted and she's got loads of snacks stashed around her place." Eda explained, trying to bribe the kid into agreeing.

"She's not with the bad people, is she?" Enzo asked.

"Oh no, she hates those guys." Eda assured.

Enzo frowned, fiddling with a loose string on their shirt, then nodded.

"Great, now let's get something for that arm." Eda lifted the kid up and took him inside.

I hope Datura is home. Eda had no idea what she'd do if the old Werebeast wasn't at her home in the swampy forest of the right leg.

"It'll be okay, Starshine, everything will be okay."

XXX

Eda gently pushed Enzo's hand away from fiddling with the bandage on their arm.

"We're almost there, kiddo." She promised.

Enzo just nodded and resumed their previous position resting against her. The pain relief potion she'd given them had made them drowsy, they had been asleep for most of the journey here.

The murky swamp forest was dark, and the paths she was used to had changed and overgrown in the eleven years since she'd last been here. She ducked under a low hanging, foliage covered branch and flew low, close to the nearly still water.

The place still smelled the same, stagnant water, an abundance of different plants and animals, and just a hint of swamp stink. She still felt watched at every moment, which of course, she knew she was. Swamp Cats dwelled in and around Datura's territory, protected from any serious threats by the presence of their guardian. They were Datura's faithful spies.

She spotted the key marker that Datura's home was near. The large swamp flower wouldn't look out of place to most, and would disappear if hostility was expected. At least Datura isn't gonna kill me before I get there. Eda thought.

She swooped around a thick tangle of plant growth. Muddy land emerged out of the water, slowly growing to a larger, stable piece of land that was safe from the seasonal flooding.

Eda flew through the small passage between the thick growth of trees and plants. It was a bit of a tight squeeze, but it didn't cause any stress to Enzo's injuries.

She swerved and made her way through the thick maze of plants until she reached an open area.

A cozy house was built into and around two massive trees at the far edge of the clearing. Even denser swamp growth was behind the two large trees, an impassable death trap to any foolish enough to try an attack from behind. It wasn't like anyone could get through the entry maze, it was a death trap on its own, and that was assuming anyone got to this part of the swamp alive.

The swamps were some of, if not the deadliest region of the Isles.

It made for a perfect hiding place for a wild witch who had been fighting against the influence of the covens since before their formation.

And with plenty of space to roam and explore and hunt, it was an ideal habitat for a Werebeast.

Eda landed at the doorstep, carefully holding Enzo, who had fallen asleep again, in her arms. King was curled up on Enzo's chest, making sad whimpers at his sibling's current state, and Nibs had made herself very comfortable in Eda's hair.

She was positive she looked like an absolute mess, but Datura was never one to care about appearances. Hell, the old bitch would sometimes goes days or weeks without cleaning herself, aside from necessary grooming, and she still managed to look great.

Eda gave herself time to think up something to say to her former mentor, and calm her nerves. She needed to come up with some apology for barging in like this.

She took a very shaky deep breath and knocked on the weathered door with equally shaky hands.

Now to wait for an answer.

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The Owl Beast turned into a form that is somewhere between Harpy Eda and Owl Beast Eda, I tried drawing it but I haven't been able to figure it out just yet, it's a form where the Owl Beast has more control than Eda.

Also the next chapter won't come out for a bit, probably next week at the absolute earliest,(I'm still writing it) I'm drawing Datura in both her forms and want to post them together, if you haven't noticed I really like to draw and I do lots of art for my fics, lots of art. It gets my head in the place to write about whatever the art I'm working on is so it's quite helpful. This chapter was shorter because of the Datura drawings.

And the swamp cats I mentioned are like, bobcat to caracal sized cats and they've got mushrooms and swamp flowers growing on them! Very adorable floofs!

For The Future was epic and, while I won't tell you everything, it definitely gave me some ideas for what I'm gonna do when I get to that point. Let's just say the Isles is going to be very different with Enzo blasting their magic all over it. 😈

I'm a little evil sometimes.

Anyways, I hope you all have a good day, whatever that is for you!

VJS Out!

[studiojeon]

troubled outsiders | intro - jjk

| summary | -  how you two end up pining for each other.

warnings: none :) 

content: idol!jungkook x student!oc, friends to lovers (because it’s THE superior trope okurrrt), jungkook is quiet and shy but a social butterfly when needed (and when it comes to oc but you’re not supposed to know that yet), oc is both a badass and a socially akward queen, she has TWO friends and only because one is dating the other (like... same), the Lee Charyeong is her bestie, oc works at bighit and feels like everyone either fears her or hates her, author nim is a crackhead and has no plot planned for this series whatsoever (doesn’t know if she’ll keep this up, we’ll see).

words: 1.93 k

His presence was overwhelming, to say the least. Even if he were surrounded by six hundred other equally handsome men, somehow, to you (and the majority of the female population, at that point) he was as captivating and magnetic as they come. Jeon Jungkook didn't pay no mind to no one, but sure as hell everyone became hyper aware of his existence and essence in time. And that didn’t exclude you.

Yet, as nonchalant and indifferent as the man could be perceived, in reality he was more considerate and friendly than the aura he exuded. You knew this because working in the same company had to teach a thing or two about the people who literally carried said company and the whole industry at some point, still you barely knew four or three people, including your assistant and Jungkook, whom you had met once.

The opportunity of working at the company had come to you out of the blue, quite literally, you were attempting to send one of your assignments in when an email appeared in your notifications during your sailor moon study break. 

HYBE Entertainment

We’re glad to inform you that you’re being recruited for the position of Logistics Manager in one of our sub companies, BIGHIT Entertainment. We’ve thoroughly looked through the CV you’ve submitted and are very interested in your capabilities and what you can contribute to our organization. One of our other managers will gladly meet you on a day you can both agree on. Make sure to answer this email to get more details about your interview.

“Nani!? THE FUCK?” sure as hell that your eyes and cognitive functions were deceiving you (ADHD) you went over the text a little over three times in a row before the message settled in your mind. This was sus. 

Before even considering a reply you made a quick call. “Fucking Lee Chaeryeong” you spat on your end of the line. “You did this, didn’t you?”.

Her silence was more than enough to have you cursing her under your breath. “I don’t know what exactly you’re talking about but it most likely was me. Does it have to do with a sex toy in particular?”

“No” you denied almost monotonously, guessing the pile of boxes in the corner of your room with her names on them was what she referred to. “Does anything come to mind if i mention BIGHIT FUCKING ENTERTAINMENT?”

It was her. All those conversations during the summer about how badly you wanted to work in the entertainment business as marketing staff of some sort had their effect on your friend, who, despite all your excuses and denials, knew you better than you and your mom combined did, and because of this, was sure as hell you were not making a move towards that goal whatsoever. So, being the boss bitch she was, she took matters into her own hands, was what she explained.

You concluded that was the reason you had reached a point in your life where you had more experience than most recently graduated kids in your field, because Chaeryeong had you moving every summer break. You had been the manager of a coffee franchise and convenience store during you junior and senior years, and also figured a way to improve the marketing management strategy of a fucking restaurant while at it. Not to toot your own horn, but you were kind of cool.

Or not. “I hope this job satisfies your workaholic ass for once, I’m running out of ideas”. Chaeryeong spat before hanging up.

Sure as hell it would. 

On friday afternoon, you made your way to the HYBE INSIGHT building and introduced yourself to your recruiters who promised to give you a call at some point. “It went fine” you told Chaeryeong once you were in your car. And it was the truth, however you weren’t so sure if they would actually hire you at some point since well, you were a girl in a male dominated industry and, in your opinion, there were always better people than you. “Wanna go grab coffee?”

“I want to. But, I have practice today. I’m actually on my way there. Please avoid driving through Hongdae today, this shit’s packed.” You sighed and thanked her for the heads up. You missed your friend, badly. You hadn’t seen each other in three weeks, and you didn’t even live so far away from each other (you did, but it had been worse before). You two had very agitated lives to say the least. Chaeryeong was a kpop group member, and well, you were jumping from job to job and getting your phD in Business Management at the same time. It was hard to find moments to spare together during some periods of the year, but you guess the anticipation made your encounters better.

“Talk about anticipation” you slammed your forehead against your desk, taking a breather after such an anxiety packed situation. Short story: you got the job (for some fucking reason). And you had gone through a whole week of expectancy and anguish. Not getting that job would have broken your heart, and ego at the same time. 

You guessed the law of attraction tactics Chaeryeong had taught you had sorted their effect and were what led you to your current position in life.

“Miss _____, your presentation’s ready” your work assistant gave you a comforting pat in the back as she took a seat somewhere next to you. You were nervous, shitless. It was your fifth week at the job, and being the proactive woman you were, you had collected lots of data in order to come up with a resources management plan.

It was a Thursday afternoon, and more than a hundred people sat in front of you, waiting for your speech. Including him, who you’d once bumped into accidentally during one of your data recollections runs inside the building. 

You hated having the need to impress others yet, hence your anxious behaviour. But this was a decisive moment in regards to your validation in your new job and how you’d continue to be perceived during your work stance (no reason to panic at all)… you needed to get it together.

“I think I just pissed off a bunch of old men right now,” you told your assistant right after you got off stage. “I need a bathroom break”. Linh gave you a reassuring smile, one she always had plastered on her face.

“Take as long as you need to. I’ll give you a call once the rest are done”.

The commute to the bathroom was unnecessarily complicated in your opinion. You had spent a little over a month rushing through the hallways of the building and you swore every single day your spatial orientation got a bit more fucked up. There was no way there wasn’t a single bathroom on the floor you were in, that would just be atrocious. “It’s not completed yet” someone said beside you as you stared at the half empty map the company had projected on a wall next to the elevators. “Where do you need to go?” 

Kim Taehyung of all people in the world was talking to your ugly and unworthy ass. Your breath caught in your throat and after staring for at least five seconds your body finally reacted to your orders. “Oh, um… the bathroom. I’ve been looking for it for a good ten minutes” you explained with a nervous laugh.

“Trust me, I get it. I still get lost over here” he smiled gently. “It’s in the hallway in the middle of the next hallway” 

You laughed at his very ambiguous explanation. “Thank you” you bowed your head and made your way to said destination.

It was in the hallway to your left, not your right, and it took you a while to figure out that new piece of information. Once you were staring at yourself in the mirror, you realized that you looked considerably tired and exhausted from all the social interaction you had undergone throughout the day. You were used to the side stares and whispering you’d get whenever you entered a room at that point, but some days you just wished you could get a break from them. After all, it wasn’t your fault you didn’t look Korean at all, and that you also didn’t fit the stereotype of a foreigner.

You got that from your mom, both the non Korean features and social fatigue. But that wasn’t even the problem most of the time, it was your friendly and smart nature which she had also passed onto you. Some would consider it a blessing, but to you it was a burden, like a clear glass that shielded you from introducing yourself into other people’s realities. You had few friends and people to trust, but in your everyday life you had to deal with the pressure of standing out too much and that came with a lot of negative energy from others. You sigh as you spray your favorite fragrance on yourself. You could be feeling like shit, but no one will ever catch you slipping.

But that excluded him apparently. You hadn’t noticed that on the other side of the hallway was the men’s bathroom and the realization hit you as you were calmly getting some tea from the vending machine. “Good afternoon” the man greeted you as he made his way out the hallway, but stopped in his tracks right after he noticed you. “_____! Hi” he smiled at you and you wanted to die, suddenly forgetting what you were ordering in the first place.

“H-hi Jungkook” You smiled back, poorly attempting to put your wallet back into your backpack. 

“Need help there?” he noticed your agitated state and held your bag for you. He smelled just as heavenly as you had expected, somewhat between big dick energy and flowers. Oh, and he also remained as kind and polite as you remembered him.

Seeming as if he wasn’t planning on continuing his path to wherever he was heading to in the first place, he stood quietly by your side, waiting for you to be done with your deal. “How have you been?” you break the ice for him.

Quickly, you grab your tea and start walking back to the auditorium together, unaware of your surroundings or the suspicions that could arise. “Busy, but very good. How have you been? I saw your presentation earlier… I wish I understood half of what you said but you still sounded amazing”.

And you would never admit it out loud, but you were positive you were blushing (and falling in love too - platonically, of course). “Oh god, you think so? I basically told them they’ve been doing things wrong all along so maybe you’re the only one who’s appreciative of my work” you handed him the second can of iced tea you bought without him noticing. You swear his eyes lit up like stars in the night sky. “Payback for the other day” you smile at him.

The first time you two had crossed paths you didn’t look nearly as glamorous as you did now. In fact, you looked incredibly disturbed and in pain, carrying a huge pile of paperwork in your hands. But as soon as sweet Jungkook noticed your state, he offered you a hand and somehow ended up helping through your multiple data collecting trips that afternoon. It was a nice day.

“Anytime” he took the can in his hands with a shy look on his face. “Unless I’m practicing, you know…” you look down at his feet, with huge black boots engulfing them, and you smile due to their contrast with his personality. “Here, i’ll give you my number so you can call me whenever you need to put all those papers back. Hopefully I’ll be around” he added as he pulled his phone from his back pocket.

Way to get a girl’s number, my god.

[thegrishaverserat]

the crows writing rant pt 6 - jesper

im not sure if this requires any tw, please let me know!

okay we're almost finished with my little rant

jesper!!!! (slight spoilers)

jesper is such a lovely character (ive said this about every one of them so far but go with it)

hes a poc character, he's adhd coded, hes queer, and hes secretly grisha

our beloved sharpshooter has also gone through a lot, and hes also a very real character as is everyone else

one thing i super love about jesper is that leigh wrote him to have a crush on kaz, and she let it be an unrequited crush that never went anywhere (something you dont see in most fiction - the character usually always ends up with their first love interest) and jesper also supported inej and kaz, even though he was at times jealous of inej

jesper is always made out to be the goofy sidekick type character which yeah his personality can be, but thats not all he is

hes very dedicated to what he does, he just likes to have fun as well. its been said in the books - jesper is at his best in a fight

jesper grew up on a farm in novyi zem with his father and his mother, who died when he was young. jesper is a fabrikator, but he was never allowed to use his powers out of fear. we see some things that kind of point to this (and its effects) throughout the series

jesper also struggles with a gambling addiction which ended up costing jesper his education (and made him join the dregs) and his father the farm. hes ashamed of himself for it, but its an addiction that he strives to get over

jesper appears to be very heavily adhd coded as ive seen some posts point out! if you read a lot of his dialogue and his chapters in general, you can see what appears to be symptoms of adhd - hyperactivity, stimming, lack of focus, impulsivity, etc. this adds a lot to his depth as a character in my opinion and the way he seems like a real person as ive said before

jesper is a queer character!!! i love this because hes also not written in a stereotypical way. and i love his relationship with wylan and even with kaz. thats basically it

i was going to say more i think but i just love him too much to put into words

[dearestones]

Marble Hornets Matchup: Tim Wright

Warnings: Fluff.

@stinkylittleanon Request: Yooo, hi hi! I saw that you like MH and matchups are open, so is it OK if I ask for a romantic Marble Hornets matchup? I don't have a preference for gender! My name is Toby, I'm a trans dude and I've got wavy blonde hair and gray eyes! My pfp kinda resembles me. I'd say my better traits are kind, understanding, funny, listener, and patient, but my negative traits would have to be timid, oblivious, fearful, and a bit too positive. My hobbies are cosplaying, video games, and sleeping! I have an interest in creepy things but also cute! I do have autism, adhd, and depression so I guess that's important to mention! I have no idea how many words this is so I'm sorry if it's over 300!

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After reading through the information given, I believe that you best pair with Tim Wright! 

Tim has gone through a lot in his life and he loves you for who you are. He’s spent many years locked up in a mental health hospital and the majority of his twenties trying to flee from an abomination that happens to like hanging around the woods and taking control of his unsuspecting victims. Because of that, Tim needs all of the kindness and understanding that he can get. 

It’ll take a long time for him to trust you with aspects of his past and even then, he might not give you the most minute of details. However, because of your tendency to listen to him without judgment, he’ll be more inclined to be open. 

Furthermore, he appreciates your good humor. Please, if you have the chance, try to alleviate the tension and tell him a pun or a joke. The more dad jokes you give him, the happier that he’ll be. (Just be sure not to overdo it when he’s being especially vulnerable or if he communicates that he needs his space). 

Be sure to never have a mouth full of water because when he's in the mood, he’ll have you bowled over in laughter to thank you for making him slightly happier about life. 

As for your negative traits, Tim is more than understanding of your nature. Timidity and fearfulness are not always negatives—sometimes, these feelings can be the very key to your survival. After all, it was fear and paranoia that has led Tim down the life that he has chosen, which ultimately made him one of the final survivors. However, it’s fear that also drives you to improve yourself. With your permission, Tim will help you confront your fears and expand your horizons. There’s always a starting point to improve and he is more than willing to be with you during your journey. 

Your positivity, however… He understands that there’s always a time and place for positivity, but he appreciates your lightheartedness more than most. He’s suffered for so long, he would appreciate a small ray of sunshine from time to time. So, while others may be miffed if you’re too positive, he’ll simply be thankful that you’re there for him. 

Tim isn’t too great on the cosplaying thing, but he’ll be happy to make sure that you’re hydrated and well fed when you go visit conventions! Furthermore, he’ll also be there to take pictures, always making sure that he’s getting your best angles and coming up with good ideas on how to pose. (What can he say? That minor in film from college did come in handy after all!)

Sleeping? How cute! Tim will definitely try to wake you up with fun, made up tunes with help from his ukulele. His voice may not be the best, but he will definitely try to make you burst out laughing right when you’re rising from the depths of sleep with wicked wordplay and riffs that could tickle your ears. He’ll also cuddle you if you’re too far deep in sleep. (But he will also welcome it if you were to cuddle and snuggle him from behind, this man sorely needs it).

As a person who has grown up with poor mental health, Tim can more than sympathize if you ever experience panic attacks, anxiety attacks, or full on mental breakdowns. Once he learns that you suffer from these disorders, he’s going to ask you how to best handle you whenever these things ever occur and he’s there to help. He’s more than willing to hold your hand, talk you through these attacks, or simply hold you close and keep quiet while also urging you to breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out.

If need be, he has a few psychiatrists and therapists on call if you ever need a professional word of advice. 

All in all, you’re in pretty good hands with Tim! Unfortunately, he’s a man who’s had more than his fair share of heartbreak and horror over the course of his lifetime. Because of this, it might take more time and effort than usual to get close to him, but once you do, your relationship will blossom and bloom on both sides. Be sure to be honest with how you feel about him and to ground him if he ever feels down. 

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If you want to donate a Ko-Fi, feel free https://ko-fi.com/devintrinidad.

MARBLE HORNETS MASTERLIST 

[kemecchi]

some tips for doing online school if you aren’t used to it, as a 3-year-straight online high schooler with adhd and depression:

timers. seriously. set lots and lots of timers on your phone, 2-5 minutes apart each time until you properly wake up/get started on your task. it will be infuriating, you will be mad, but you have to get it done

music! listen to music. if you download spotify on your desktop, you get all the same functions you would otherwise get on premium on mobile, save for intermittent ads that (as far as i remember) aren’t as common as they are on mobile anyway.

different playlists, different moods, have some variety, but figure out what music you can listen to in the background without getting distracted!

i recommend basic ambience like rain or nature sounds, along with instrumentals or soft indie bands, OR hozier ,

figure out where you work best. different areas of your house will have different energies. are your parents home, and you need someone to make sure you stay on track? try to work with them in the room, just to make sure you dont go off on a tangent somewhere on the web. family too loud? bedrooms, closets, bathrooms etc can be good ways to get away.

HEADPHONES OR EARBUDS ARE GODSENDS (provided you can use them without discomfort)

do NOT beat yourself up about not maintaining a schedule. you will slip. you will snooze all your alarms. you will sleep through your alarms. that is okay. you are human. just try again next time, and maybe add a few more if you have to.

if you struggle with eating on time and are able to do so, keep food within arm’s reach! also something to drink, preferably water, but anything will do in a pinch.

put a trash bag next to your work space! you are going to need it

it’s okay to take breaks! since ive been doing it for 3 years, ive adjusted, so i don’t get frequent screen migraines now, but they WILL come. keep some headache medicine on hand, keep your screen brightness low, don’t strain your eyes. look away from the screen every now and then, and please remember to blink

it’s super easy to forget basic hygiene when you’re stuck at home all day. set reminders to shower/brush your teeth/make sure you’ve gone to the bathroom/etc

don’t be afraid to claim internet/device failure if you don’t make it to a class session or turn in an assignment on time. it’s okay. it’s not a good habit to use, but just saying “it wouldn’t work, but i have it figured out now and will strive to (do better next time)” is fine. it’s okay. you’ll adjust.

common excuses: frozen, excessive lag, internet connection issues, battery died, etc.

most importantly, BREATHE. breathe. it’s okay. you’re okay. you’re going to be just fine. things are alright. things will be alright. your schedule has been thrown off and you’re in an unfamiliar environment in a time of crisis, and things may feel beyond your control. many of them are. just breathe. you can control that. you are going to be okay, i promise.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Slip-up

Prompts: I’ve been binging (bingeing?) your Merlin fics and I absolutely adore older brother Leon with my whole being. Would it be at all possible for a fic with protective Leon? Bonus points for magic reveal gone wrong (Merlin slips up in front of newer knights perhaps?)

Thanks! - anon

hiii you amazing human, i come to you with an angsty merlin prompt if you still take prompt requests: it would be amazing to see a fic where merlin suffers with dissociation as a result of his trauma over the years protecting everyone and seeing how arthur + the knights help merlin cope with this! - anon

hiiii i absolutely adore all your merlin fics and if you want to or if you still write merlin fics i have a prompt for you! ( please don't feel rushed or like you have to actually write anything for this because i'm sure you're rushed off your feet with prompts) but it would be so amazing if you could write a merlin fic where merlin has autism or adhd? - anon (oh, beloved anon, he is in all of my works)

Read on Ao3

Warnings: ptsd, sensory overload

Pairings: implied merthur, can be platonic or romantic you decide

Word Count: 2621

Magic is no longer outlawed. Camelot is safe for all those who practice magic and who wish to study it.

As soon as Leon steps into the courtyard he can hear the shouts.

His first instinct is to reach for the sword on his belt, eyes darting around to see what the double is, who is in danger. This one he has practice soothing away; it has its place on the battlefield, yes, and he owes it his life, several times over, but it does not have a place here, and now, safe on the courtyards of the castle.

His second instinct is to pinpoint the source of the conflict. The quick glance around reveals none of the senior knights—that is, the ones that would be helpful in a situation like this, be that for the cause or the solution—but there is a gathering of bodies on the far end of the training field. He lets the sword at his hip go and walks toward them, the instinct turning over and over in his hands like a well-oiled cog.

His third instinct he doesn’t bother to fight, not when he sees Merlin on the ground.

“Get back,” he roars, grabbing the shoulder of the knight closest to him and throwing him away, “make space!”

A couple of the knights flounder in his sudden entrance but he pays them no mind. Merlin is on the ground. He’s not moving. Something is wrong. Is he hurt? Does Gaius need to be fetched? Does the King need to be told? He crouches down, reaching for Merlin’s shoulder.

“What happened,” he barks, “tell me.”

“Sir, the boy—he—he was—“

“You should stay back, sir, he might still be dangerous!”

Dangerous? Merlin?

Leon grits his teeth and looks around for someone that might be capable of possessing a brain cell. He spots one of the more promising squires and jerks his head toward the rest of the crowd. They nod sharply and start pushing the rest of the men away.

“You heard Sir Leon, get back, give him room!”

The crowd clears away, lingering just out of earshot, as Leon refocuses his attention on Merlin. He’s still on the ground, still very still, his hands covering his head. Leon reaches out, carefully brushing a hand over his hair.

“Merlin,” he calls quietly, “Merlin, can you hear me? It’s Leon.”

Merlin doesn’t quite flinch away from his hand, but it’s a near thing. Leon swallows his anger for now and tries again, gentler this time.

“Merlin, it’s just me. It’s Leon. No one is going to hurt you, I’m right here. Can you hear me?”

Merlin’s fingers twitch and a small whine comes from the body at his feet.

“Is it too much?” He’s already pulling at the cloak around his shoulders. “Can I lay my cloak over you?”

When there’s no sharp sound of protest, he carefully lays the cloak across Merlin’s body, shielding him from the worst of the wind and the light. The little bit of his face he can see relaxes as he goes limp against the grass.

“There you go, that’s better, isn’t it?” He kneels down, putting his mouth closer to Merlin’s ear. “Can you hear me now?”

“L-Leon?”

“Yes, Merlin, it’s me, are you alright?”

The silence that follows is pointed.

“Are you physically injured anywhere?”

“No.”

“Alright. Do you think you can stand up and move somewhere else, or would you like to lie here for a little longer?”

Merlin shuffles under the cloak. “Can we go inside?”

“Yes, of course, we can. Do you want to be carried?”

“I can walk.”

“As you wish.” Leon kneels up a little, holding his arms out for Merlin to take. “Let me help you stand.”

Merlin hides as much as he can under the cloak, leaning into him and trying to keep himself away from the murmuring crowd. Leon glares at them over his shoulder as they make their way out of the courtyard.

“You will wait here.”

He passes Gwaine and Percival and their faces quickly put together the picture without Leon having to say a thing. He doesn’t need to turn around again to know that any man who dares leave will have their balls boiled and fed to the dogs.

“Just through here,” he says quietly as he sits Merlin down on his own bed, “do you want me to fetch Gaius?”

Merlin shakes his head, his fingers curling and uncurling in the cloak. Leon notices and pulls away, hunting for Merlin’s softest breeches and tunic. He lays them on the bed and slowly takes the cloak from Merlin’s shoulders, holding it open to give him a screen to change behind.

“There,” he murmurs when Merlin shyly takes the cloak from him again, “better texture?”

“Yeah.”

He kneels in front of the bed. “Do you think you can tell me what happened?”

Merlin’s face twitches as his fists bunch in the cloak. “’S stupid.”

“We’ve been over this,” he chides gently, “anything that makes you upset isn’t stupid. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but don’t let a fear of it being stupid stop you.”

“They didn’t even do anything.”

Leon watches his face for a moment, then he pulls his gloves off and sets them on the ground. He holds his hands out, palms up. Merlin eyes them warily, then slowly untangles his fingers from the cloak and takes them.

“Squeeze,” Leon instructs, “as hard as you can.”

Merlin squeezes. Leon squeezes back, just enough for Merlin to feel it, and watches their knuckles turn white.

“Good. Relax, now.”

The hands in his go slack.

“Is that better?”

“A little.” Merlin sniffs. “Thanks.”

“That’s what I’m here for.” He rubs his thumb over the back of Merlin’s knuckles. “If I get you something to drink, will you drink it for me?”

“I’ll try.”

“Water? Or can you stomach a toddy?”

Merlin peers up at him hopefully. Leon chuckles.

“A toddy it is then. I’m going to leave the door open so you can see me the whole time, alright?”

Merlin’s eyes stay on him as he walks down the stairs, quickly lighting a cooking fire underneath a small cauldron and mixing the soothing toddy recipe he remembers. The smell fills the room, not unlike the way it filled the air freshly wrung dry of stinging steel and the cries of men. He ladles it into a goblet and returns, cupping Merlin’s cold hand around it.

“There, drink your fill.”

Merlin raises it to his lips and takes a sip. Leon waits patiently, fixing the buckles on the cuffs of his gloves. The room is quiet, only the sounds of the castle beyond the walls and their breathing can be heard.

“…Leon?”

“Yes?”

“Is…” Merlin fiddles with the hem of his sleeve. “What, um, what do you tell the new knights?”

“What do I tell them?” Leon tilts his head. “What do I tell them about what?”

Merlin stares at the goblet, watching little ripples appear on the surface of the drink.

“Ah,” Leon murmurs, “are you asking what we tell them about magic?”

Merlin jerks his head in a nod. Leon shifts his weight to ease a cramp in his leg, sitting properly on the ground.

“Well, first we tell them that magic is no longer outlawed,” he says softly, “then we tell them that a lot of people will still not behave that way and it is our job to let them know that Camelot is a safe place for those with magic, that they will not be persecuted because of it.”

Merlin peeks up at him, a glimmer of tentative hope.

“Then we tell them that some people might be afraid,” Leon continues, “because Camelot, for a long time, was ruled by people who despised magic. And that we should not shame them or question them for being afraid of having to hide themselves for so long.”

“We—we shouldn’t?”

“No, Merlin, we shouldn’t.” He smiles. “We should commend them for their bravery, for overcoming the difficulties they’ve faced through no fault of their own. And it is our job to support them as they try and figure out what to do to make Camelot truly feel safe for themselves.”

He leans closer, lowering his voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

“And then we tell them that if they dare act otherwise, we’ll stick them with armory duty for at least a month.”

At last, it draws a weak huff of laughter from Merlin’s chest. “They’ll stink of polish all day.”

“And all night, if they’re doing their jobs properly.”

Another laugh, then Merlin trails off, taking another sip of the toddy. “Do…do you actually tell them all of that?”

“Yes, Merlin,” he promises, “every word. Well, no, I am leaving something out.”

“What?”

“That if anyone dares to hurt you, we tell the King.”

Merlin laughs again, stopping when he realizes Leon isn’t laughing with him. “Wait, you what?”

“Merlin, you know what Arthur’s like, you think he’d let us get away with you being hurt and not telling him?” Leon shakes his head. “He’d have our arses for dog bait.”

“I like your arses though,” Merlin mumbles, then his eyes widen, “wait, no, not like—“

“I understood,” Leon chuckles, “and thank you, that’s quite flattering.”

Merlin buries his face in his hand with a groan.

“But worry not, Merlin, our arses will be perfectly safe—“

“You’re mean.”

“—because of course we’ll tell Arthur if you’re hurt,” he finishes, gentler this time, “and I hope you know that means you can tell us if you’re hurt too.”

Merlin’s mouth tightens. Leon tilts his head.

“Now what’s that look for?”

“You shouldn’t have to worry,” comes the mumble, “I…nothing even happened.”

“Easy,” Leon murmurs when Merlin’s hand starts to tighten worryingly on the goblet, “here, let me…there.”

He eases the goblet from his hands, slow and gentle, setting it with reach and taking his hands again.

“They didn’t do anything,” Merlin grumbles, an undercurrent of resentment beginning to line his words, “nothing—nothing at all. They didn’t even—they—“

“Squeeze,” Leon breaks in, giving Merlin’s hands a squeeze of his own, “stay with me.”

Merlin takes a shuddering breath. “I—I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Merlin, nothing is wrong. You have committed no sin against me.”

Merlin’s face contorts miserably and Leon lets out a soft noise when he crumples forward, shoulders shuddering. He kneels up a little further, letting Merlin fall against his chest. The hands in his are gripping so tightly he knows he’s going to lose some of the feeling in his fingers, but he pays it no heed, focusing on breathing slow and steady to calm Merlin down.

“You’re alright,” he murmurs, as there’s nothing in the world that could hurt Merlin right now, “you’re safe here, you’re alright.”

“L-Leon?”

“I’m here, I’m right here.”

“C-can I—“

“Take what you need,” he promises, “come and take what you need.”

Merlin throws his arms around Leon’s neck and hugs him tightly. Leon catches him as they pitch forward off the bed, gathering the shuddering man into his lap and holding him securely. His chest twists as soft sobs and sniffles begin to fill the room.

If Gwaine and Percival haven’t found out what happened, or if their stories don’t match up, there will be hell to pay.

He holds Merlin there, safe as can be, until the worst of the storm fades and Merlin goes limp in his lap.

“That felt like a lot,” he murmurs before Merlin can apologize again, “I’m glad it’s out of you now.”

“M—me too.”

Leon runs a hand through his hair. “Why don’t you describe what happened for me, from start to finish?”

Merlin rubs his cheek against Leon’s shoulder. “I came out to help get the field ready. Gwaine and Percival said they would meet me there. I didn’t know that—that there were already knights out there because the—the—the—“

“Breathe, Merlin, shed your tears if you need.”

“—the new squires were looking at me like I wasn’t supposed to be there so they—they asked me what I was doing.”

Leon takes a deep breath to calm his rising anger.

“And I told them who I was and they—one of them said—“

“What did they say, Merlin?”

“…’aren’t you the one they said is the magic traitor?’”

…Gwaine, Percival, you’d better have left enough of that man for me to kill him.

“You are not the magic traitor,” Leon says lowly, “you are Merlin. You are one of the bravest men I know, you are one of the most honorable people I have had the privilege of serving with, and you are my brother.”

“I—I just—“ he takes a deep breath— “that’s not even the worst thing that’s h-happened, he just asked a question—“

Leon lets him stumble through rambling sentences before he carefully raises a hand to card through Merlin’s hair. The stream of words trails off as Leon hums.

“You carry the weight of wounds many years in the making, it is impossible to ask you to heal them beyond further damage in the span of a few weeks.” He presses his head against his. “You will not fully heal for a long time yet. Be gentle to yourself.”

“But that’s hard.”

“I know,” he murmurs, his own chest heavy, “believe me, I know.”

Merlin is quiet, then he shyly tucks his nose into the crook of Leon’s neck. “Can we stay like this?”

“For as long as you need, Merlin, for as long as you need.”

As soon as Merlin is calm enough to move, Leon lies him gently in bed with instructions to finish the toddy and go find Morgana or Gwen when he feels up to it.

His first course of action is to go back and find Gwaine, Percival, and the group of knights. By the time he arrives back on the courtyard, most of the knights are training and only one man is standing beneath their glares. The man looks two seconds away from pissing himself. Good.

His second course of action is to deliver a friendly speech about how we do and do not treat people, coupled with a friendly reminder that magic is legal in Camelot now, and that people who use magic and practice the Old Religion are to be treated with respect and compassion. The man looks about one second away from pissing himself.

His third course of action is to tell Arthur. When the, ahem, ‘duel’ between the two finishes, there is the distinct smell of urine in the air.

Good.

[the-infamous-coat-of-baron-zemo]

Missed Opportunities | Helmut Zemo x Reader | Chapter 3

Welcome to Part 3! You've made it this far? I'm impressed. Thank you for sticking around. This is quite the long chapter so, I hope you enjoy the juicy action all around.

And this one was quite the doozy to write. It's 3AM now? Hah, I've spent the entire day writing two chapters. But definitely don't expect more at quite this frequency. But I appreciate you all none the less.

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Tag Requests: @lostghostgirl94 @neoarchipelago @fillechatoyante @fanfics-ig

Did I miss someone? For future tag requests: Please send me a direct message if possible, it's easy to lose people in the mix and I don't want to miss anyone!

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For previous chapters go here: Part 1 | Part 2

Word Count: 5.358

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

It had been precisely three hours, forty-two minutes since two Avengers and a criminal mastermind had left the safe house you were staying in.

You were currently staring up at the ceiling with mild boredom waiting for the next round of texts to come in. An alert notification rang through the near empty residence, the noise echoed off the walls of the living room intensifying the reverberation of sound.

Rolling over, you flopped onto you stomach from your position on the couch, stretching your arm out to grab the phone off the coffee table.

Carefully, you read the incoming message. 'No recent signs of Karli, but following up on a handprint Bucky found a couple miles from our initial start position. Zemo has a theory it might lead to a section of tunnel that veers off towards the harbor. Will update again in another hour. - S'

Great.

So they'll easily be gone at least another couple hours, leaving you to your own devices. That's dangerous. There's no telling what kind of trouble you could get into without something to do. Your mind was always processing, constantly formulating new plans and calculating risk probabilities. It's why you were so fidgety and animated. You didn't inherently have ADHD, but your brain was so active the symptoms manifested as such. You had a genius level intelligence, you just chose to down-play it most of the time. You craved activities to keep your mind from going into overdrive; it's why you spend most of your mornings running. To drain your body of excess energy and let your brain rest.

You groaned in irritation, tossing the phone back onto the coffee table. Sam could have at least given you a pin point location so you could do some research on the area where the handprint was found.

Maybe you could read for a bit.

You got up and headed to your room at the back of the apartment. Zemo gave you the last room at the end of the hallway, it also happened to be the only room that had a half bath attached to it. Which in retrospect, was quite thoughtful of him.

As you reached your room, a chilly draft fell across your body, causing goosebumps to raise on your fair skin. You noticed you left a window open in the room and moved to close it. Often times, late at night you sat at the window sill and read to pass the time when you couldn't sleep. Sometimes, you'd crack the window open and simply listen to the sounds of the outside; they were just as soothing. There was no denying it was quite lovely where you were staying. Helmut Zemo had impeccable taste.

You grabbed your book and crossed the room, rubbing your arm to help circulate some heat back into your body, but before you got to the door, a patch of blue caught your eye. Zemo's hoodie. It had been left draped haphazardly over the back of one of the chairs in your room. A constant reminder you needed to give it back to the Baron, but you weren't ready to just yet, and funnily enough, he hadn't asked for it.

Shifting from foot to foot, you debated what to do. It was comfortable. Wearing it one last time couldn't hurt, right? There wasn't anyone here to cajole you about it anyways and you could just take it off before the guys got back. Perfectly reasonable. Before you could talk yourself out of it, you snagged the garment off the chair and pulled it on as you walked back out to the main living room, book in hand.

As you rounded the corner and made your way through the kitchen back to the couch, you heard a loud metallic bang against the entry-way door accompanied with the tell tale signs of door knobs turning. Caught off guard by the sudden intrusion, you had leapt off the ground, clutching the book to your chest.

You stared at the door in fear knowing it was way too soon for anyone to have returned yet. And they wouldn't have caused the disruption in the attempts to break in. Pushing down your apprehension, your senses started to return to you, and you realized you need to get to your phone. Now.

Your eyes moved across the apartment and landed on the coffee table a short distance away from you. Bingo. You took a step forward towards the table when the front doors suddenly swung open and a whirl of red, white and blue flew past your face. The projectile, nearly hitting you, caused you to stumble, knocking you backwards onto the floor. You landed clumsily, but thankfully caught yourself before your head smacked against the ground.

You didn't need to look up to know exactly what object flew at your head. The sound alone was unmistakable.

"Apologies for the erratic entrance, I only meant to use it to help open the door - I hadn't planned on Lemar here unlocking the them so easily. When the doors fell open, it kind of just flew right out of my hand."

Annoyance had now replaced your fear.

John Walker.

You had many opinions of the man based off what Sam and Bucky had told you, but you hadn't had the pleasure of actually meeting him. Until now.

This did not help sway your opinion of him in the very least. If anything, it only solidified that the government had made a rash decision. You don't just had over the shield to anyone.

You glared up at the intruders from your position on the floor. This was completely unexpected. How did he even manage to locate this safe house? Something nagged at the back of your mind that Captain Walker might have had help from people with a questionable background. You shoved the thought aside for the time being.

Lemar had gone around to the back of the couch and pulled the shield out of the wall embedded in between the two stained windows. Walker, who stood next to you, was offering his hand to help you up.

You didn't even make an effort to consider his gesture and got up off the floor without his assistance, dusting yourself off in the process.

Walker appeared undeterred by your dismissal of him and instead put on a winning smile and rotated his hand in the attempts of a handshake.

"I think we got off on the wrong foot. John Walker. Captain America," he proudly stated.

"I know who you are Captain Walker, as well as your friend here," you briskly answered, crossing your arms in front of you.

You could see the smile start to drop off his face and his eyes turn a bit darker.

"And I know who you are as well, you're well documented along with the Avengers, but I was trying to be polite," Walker grounded out with forced effort.

You didn't want to start an argument with the newly anointed Captain America, but there was something off about him that just irritated you.

"Polite?" you sarcastically question. "How is barging into someone's residence, polite? Please, do explain," you shifted your weight onto one side, giving him an expectant look.

"I don't have to explain myself to you. In case you've forgotten, I'm Captain America," he took a step towards you, his body language highly suggesting an intimidation tactic.

You held your tongue and took a step back to place more distance between yourself and Walker. You spared a glance at his partner to gauge his reaction, but his expression was guarded, although he was watching with rapt attention.

"What do you want, Walker?" you bit out. You attempted to keep some of the contempt out of your voice, but he had quickly turned your mood sour this afternoon.

"Where's Zemo?" Walker cut straight to the chase this time.

"Not here, obviously," you held your arms out, gesturing around.

"I want to know where Zemo is. He's coming with us," the captain took another step towards you, this time with a more forceful intention.

You furrowed your brow and took another step back. His posturing was starting to make you slightly nervous.

"Even if I did know where he was, I'm not saying either way. Zemo has been surprisingly helpful to us, and we need him to locate Karli along with the rest of the Flag-Smashers, including the missing vials of serum. And he's more likely to continue working with us, than provide you with any information at all. That I can say with absolute certainty," your words sounded confident, but inside you were trembling.

That was apparently the wrong thing to say to Captain America.

His entire demeanor changed. Once where there was some warmth and light-heartedness, there was only a cold emptiness left in his gaze. He reached back to grab the shield from Lemar, and then without any warning shoved you back against the wall to your left.

You heard the distinct sound of your right shoulder pop as is slammed into the wall along with the rest of your body. The rapid movement from Walker and impact from the shield knocked the wind right out of you. The pressure from the amount of force he was exerting pinned you to the wall and caused the shield to be painfully pressed into your side, separating you from Walker. You could feel the rim of the shield digging slightly into your neck, but not enough to cause any real damage.

"John!" you heard Hoskins shout with alarm from behind Walker.

You swallowed thickly; very real fear had settled into your bones. You were capable of defending yourself, but hadn't actually needed to put those skills into any use. Bucky and Sam had taught you some moves and hold to get out of, but it never crossed any of your minds once you'd have to fight Captain America. You tried to shift your head to the side to see how far away your phone was. What possible options you had. Maybe you could appeal to his partner and deescalate the situation before things got too ugly.

"I'm only going to ask this one last time. Where is Zemo?" Walker spit out, putting force against the shield, which in turn, caused you to grimace in pain.

"Hoskins, you really going to allow Captain America to torture an innocent citizen trying to help in a cause we're all aligned in?" you gasped out, trying to swallow as much air as possible through the pain wracking your body.

You refused to let it show. Holding back as much of the discomfort you were in. You didn't want to give Walker the satisfaction.

"John, ease up. She's not a terrorist, and frankly, I agree with her," Hoskins voiced, his footsteps bringing him closer to Walker with the hopes of gaining his attention no doubt.

The pressure from the shield against your form was lifted slightly, though the shield was still closer to your body than you'd like to admit. You closed your eyes to focus on regaining some stability and figure out your next course of action to get yourself out of this mess.

"Stay out of this Lemar," John replied, but his menacing stature had lessened minutely.

You opened your eyes to stare at Walker. He had removed the shield between the two of you and placed it on his back; however he stepped into your personal space instead and placed a hand against your collarbone, essentially rendering you immobile again.

Well, at least now you could breathe.

Walker peered down at you with distain, "You're really not going to give him up are you?"

You clenched your jaw and lifted your chin defiantly at him.

"No," you answered.

The wheels were turning inside Walker's head. You could literally see the fire burning in his eyes, realizing he wasn't going to get an answer out of you. Not willingly.

He dipped his head and released his hold on you, pointing a finger right at your face, "This isn't over. Not by a long shot."

You saw Lemar walk up and pat Walker's shoulder, "Alright, let's get out of here."

Walker straightened up and stiffly walked away, leaving Hoskins trailing behind. His ego had taken a blow today.

Hoskins gave an apologetic shrug, "He's under a lot of stress."

Before Lemar could fully clear your line of sight, you quietly spoke up, "He doesn't deserve that shield."

Hoskins didn't have a response to that.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

In wake of the aftermath, you had tried to clean up as best possible. You assessed your injuries were non life-threatening, though your right shoulder was most definitely dislocated. The arm was kept close against your body hoping to not jostle it too much. You felt spikes of pain as you cleaned the area where Walker had thrown the shield into the wall, but ignored it so you could get the place back in shape before Sam, Bucky and Zemo returned.

Sam had messaged not too long ago, they were roughly 20 minutes out from the apartment.

Your ribs were throbbing from where the shield had been buried into your side, but you didn't think they had been broken, only bruised. You were going to have to ask one of them pop your shoulder back into place.

You were dreading the conversation, but were determined to remain as calm as possible to help alleviate the immediate reaction they were going to have once you revealed what happened.

The events of the day had finally caught up with you and coupled with the cleaning efforts, your body was signaling it's exhaustion. You were in the kitchen, and honestly didn't think you could make the short trip to one of the sofas; so you carefully sat on one of the chairs in the kitchen and waited patiently.

Sure enough, 20 minutes later, the doors to the apartment opened and the guys swiftly came in to greet you.

"Did you even leave the kitchen?" James inquired, coasting around the kitchen to grab a drink.

You smiled tightly and responded in kind, "For a short while, yes. Did you guys find anything worth while?" You quickly wanted to change the subject but knowing you were only delaying the inevitable.

"Yeah, we think we've discovered a possible building Karli is using to hideout in. We had planned on eating something quickly and then leave again to check it out tonight," Sam explained.

As Sam was talking, Bucky had accidently bumped into you, causing you to wince and pull your arm tighter to you. Luckily, he didn't see your face, but Sam did.

"Hey, you okay?" Sam questioned, voice filling with concern.

You blew out a breath bracing yourself for what you were about to say.

"What happened to my wall?" Zemo piped up, giving you a curious glance, he had moved to run his hand along the diagonal cut, inches deep, in the space between the ceiling to floor windows.

Bucky left his glass and walked over to get a better look, as did Sam. Both of them would know precisely what caused a mark like that to become etched into a wall.

Sam and Bucky snapped their heads back to you as soon as they saw the indention, but it was Zemo who spoke first.

"John Walker was here," he stated, shrugging off his coat and hanging it over the back of the couch he was nearby.

"It was an, eventful afternoon here," you tried to put some overly cheerful, comedic tones into your voice, but failed pretty miserably.

"What happened?" Sam immediately asked.

The trio had made their way back to the kitchen to get answers from you.

Zemo came to stand nearby, eyes roaming your body, searching. With his expertise, there was no question that he would quickly figure out you were injured; so you tried to tell your story as concisely as possible.

"Um, so - Walker and Lemar showed up. He asked for Zemo. I told him he wasn't here aaaaand they left. The end," you hurriedly spoke, wanting to get this over with and not draw any more attention to yourself.

But you could see in Helmut's eyes, he knew there was more to your story. His carefully crafted mask was starting to crack as you saw his gaze drift down to you cradling your arm underneath the island away from Bucky and Sam's eyeline.

"You're hurt," Zemo said. His face showed open concern as he walked the remaining distance to you.

With more tenderness than you thought possible coming from him, he slowly and carefully moved your right arm away from your body. He kept his eyes trained on you for any discomfort or signs of pain.

Once your arm had left your lap though, you reached over with your left hand to grip one of his wrists to prevent him from moving your arm any further.

"Don't, please," you pleaded, gritting your teeth and swallowing down the pain threatening to erupt from you. You were panting now, and more clear than ever something had happened to you while they were gone.

Helmut released your arm without hesitation, but did not leave your side. You saw him exchange tense looks between James and Sam. Normally, Bucky would have been focused on keeping Zemo away from you, but with the current circumstances, he was no longer a priority.

"What actually happened?" Bucky softly called out, he and Sam had gotten closer to take a better look at you. Sam brought a chair out to sit next to you and give you a once over, while you explained.

The expressions on their faces were grim as they anxiously awaited your reply.

"It wasn't - it's not quite as bad as it seems," you started, stuttering out the words as Sam brought his hands up to check your head for any injuries first.

"He just barged right in and was insistent on finding Zemo. He was acting so arrogant and pompous, I just refused to give him any information on his whereabouts," you continued on. "He didn't like the fact I wasn't willing to cooperate with "Captain America" and he got a little.....rough with me."

Sam paused his surveying to meet your gaze. You could see the guilt beginning to creep into his eyes. He turned his head to look up at Bucky, who was angrily flexing his vibranium arm in displeasure. Probably only affirming his notion that Sam should have never given up the shield in the first place.

"What did he do?" Bucky's tone brook no argument. He wanted to know the truth.

You scrunched your face in unpleasantness when Sam checked your lower neck and collarbone, he had found the place on your body where the shield and his hand had met you.

"Is this from - ?" Sam couldn't finish his sentence and he looked away in anger. You could tell he just wanted to get up and throw something, and that was commonly uncharacteristic for him.

Zemo had shifted his position to take a peek at what Sam was doing while he checked you out. You saw how his eyes had darkened with quiet rage taking stock of everything. There was an outline of a thin scrap mark against the underside of your neck and jaw, but it was a clear demarcation that would only be caused from the shield itself.

You nodded sadly and focused on answering Bucky's question as you gave Sam the okay to keep going.

"Walker, didn't get what he wanted, so he did the only other thing he knows how to do," you cleared your throat and rubbed your hand against your forehead.

"Use brute force," Zemo darkly said.

"He used the shield to push me up against the wall over there," you pointed over as you continued re-telling what happened. "I was knocked into the wall pretty hard, but Walker lost all focus and nearly suffocated me from the force of the shield against my body. I think he -" you yelped like a wounded animal, not able to finish your story when Sam touched your shoulder.

Bucky's eyes had widen and became deeply concerned over your pained scream.

Your muscled were clenched tight as you tried to ride out the pain, face starting to turn red.

Zemo had placed a light hand on your back, leaning down to comfort you and remind you to breath.

You fumbled with your good arm as you tried taking in deep breaths and motioned to Sam what was wrong with your arm.

Even with your poor mime animation of pretending to have your arm pulled from your socket, James picked up on what you were getting at. He tapped Sam to switch places with him. Your eyes were watering at this point and you blinked back the tears wanting to fall.

"Alright doll, on the count of three, I'm going to raise your arm and put pressure on your shoulder, okay?" Bucky solemnly said.

Sam gave you a smile of assurance while Zemo ended up taking your good hand, letting you know you could use him to brace yourself. He and James shared a silent conversation before nodding at one another. If Sam had a problem with Zemo providing you comfort, he didn't show it. You figured he was letting some of his dormant humanity rise to surface in this moment.

You shook slightly trying to prepare yourself for the next round of pain once your shoulder was fixed, but James didn't give you any time.

"Three," he commanded, snapping your shoulder back into its socket before you had a chance to even reaction.

You let out another cry of pain, holding onto Zemo's hand tightly, but somehow, the fear of the oncoming pain dissipated as you let go of his hand and rubbed your shoulder with minimal soreness.

You cleared your throat and looked at everyone after a few moments of rest. Surprised at how efficiently James had handled your shoulder, but then again, he was the perfect person to do the job.

You scrunched up your nose at James, "What happened to one and two?"

He huffed out a laugh, "It worked didn't it?"

"Thank you. All of you," you gave a lazy smile through the tiredness that filled you up. "I think I'll be okay now - that was the worst of it. Promise. Walker didn't do any further harm to me. I managed to convince Lemar to get Walker to back down," you glossed over the section where Walker threatened you, but you could bring that up later.

None of them were satisfied with your response, but you're guessing they let it slide given the circumstances.

Zemo reached into the freezer to grab an ice pack. He handed it to you to place on your shoulder helping with your recovery. You accepted it from him extremely grateful. You mused your opinion of him was constantly evolving the more time you actually spent with him.

Sam had asked if you were sure there weren't any other areas you wanted to have checked over for injuries.

You assured him, you were alright, just tired and very sore.

Bucky had swiftly gotten up from his chair and made it known he wanted to go after Walker this evening. You knew he wasn't going to let this incident go any time soon. Sam had also been in agreement after fully understanding what transpired, but Zemo was eerily silent.

"You guys should follow your original plan. Don't let Walker distract you. I'm alive and I am going to be okay. Go follow your lead on Karli," you interjected, trying to be the reasonable one. There was no need for them to go off halfcocked while they were still very upset. You were too, if you were being honest with yourself, but your focus was on your friends first and foremost.

"Well, we're not leaving you here alone. I can stay behind and let Zemo and Sam check things out," James said.

"Actually, it makes the most sense if I stay behind," Zemo chimed in.

"Why is that?" Sam countered warily.

"The particular location you are going to, I have....a history there. It would be wise for me to not be seen in that part of town as to not raise any alarm bells," he reasoned with them.

"And why should we trust you with her?" Bucky asked, suspicion creeping into his voice.

"Because I have no motive to do any harm to her nor shall I allow any further injury come to her. On this James, I give you my word," Helmut replied, the seriousness of his tone was not lost on anyone in the room.

"Okay," Sam relented, moving about the kitchen to pack some food for their evening night out.

"Just like that, huh?" James said with disbelief.

"Yeah, just like that," Sam parroted back.

Bucky wasn't happy about the situation, but there was an urgency to find Karli, so he caved.

James leaned over on the counter to make sure you were 100% okay being left along with Zemo, reminding you at any time you can call and they'd rush back instantly for whatever reason.

You stood up slowly, balancing the ice pack on your shoulder and shuffled over a few steps towards him, "Thank you. Now, go."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You waved to to your friends a second round of goodbyes for the day. You sagged against the counter, temporarily forgetting about Zemo for the moment. You really needed to lie down.

As if he read your thoughts, you suddenly felt his presence as an arm wrapped around your waist, resting firmly against your hip.

"Here, let me help you get someplace more comfortable than this," Zemo asserted, taking his free hand and dropping the ice pack from your shoulder onto the counter. He then grabbed your left hand, raising your arm and wrapped it around his neck to help support you. So now most of your weight is on your left side, allowing your right to have most of the pressure released from your injuries.

You were so close to him you could smell his expensive cologne and aftershave. It was intoxicating and caused your head to swim a little. You stumbled slightly, but Zemo kept you steady as you both made your way to your room.

In your exhausted state, you managed to sneak in a few glances to Zemo, who was concentrating on the task at hand, not wanting to cause any jarring movements. He deserved more credit than you had been giving him; he truly did seem to care in his own warped way.

Once you had gotten to your room, he guided you to the bed to lie down. Not once had you complained. A true testament of just how tired you were. You couldn't even muster a snarky reply at his disheveled state of being, from practically dragging you down the hallway.

You snuggled into the hoodie you were wearing and tried to lie in a position that wouldn't cause too much discomfort for your shoulder and ribs.

Zemo had stepped into the closet and when he returned he came back with a couple extra pillows. He propped them against your injured side to prevent you from rolling over during the night.

If nothing else, Zemo was incredibly thorough when he focused on something. And right now, that focus was you. It was unnerving, but also thrilling at the same time. Maybe you did have a head injury, because all you could do was smirk at how utterly adorable he was tending to you. It made you curious as to whether this was what Zemo was like before. For the first time, you really wanted to know more about him.

You saw how he was confident in everything he does, and this situation was no different apparently. He had been muttering to himself as he adjusted bedding and made sure there was nothing in the room that you could trip over if you had to get up. He was taking in all the possibilities, like you did.

He had been actively avoiding looking at you though since Bucky and Sam left. You weren't entirely sure why, as he's had zero problems watching you over the past several days. You have a feeling it's because you're one of a few people who have seen beneath the surface of Helmut Zemo, and he's reacting the only way he knows how to at this moment.

Distraction.

You were too sleepy to ponder this any further and turned your head to the side to see what Zemo was fiddling with now.

He had finished up the last of his tasks and looked around the room satisfied with his work. Only then did he turn to look at you.

If it had been anyone else, you would swear that Zemo almost seemed nervous. He was, at many times in your experience, hard to read; so all of these new expressions are a different side for you to see.

Zemo tentatively sat on the edge of the bed next to you.

"Do you need anything?" he genuinely inquired.

You shook your head, indicating you didn't.

All of a sudden he laughed. It ended nearly as quickly as it had began. You raised an eyebrow him in reply, but he simply tugged on the sleeve of his hoodie you were still wearing.

Too tired to be embarrassed about it, you simply mumbled, "Shut up. I still plan on giving it back, although, given it's track record, you should quite possibly get rid of it. After what happened today, I think it might be bad luck."

You saw Zemo dip his head and chuckle at your reply. He look much more carefree when he laughed. You'd have to add him to your daily list. Make Zemo laugh.

His expression sobered rather quickly though and became pensive after that, staring out the window briefly before resting his gaze back on you.

"You keep it. It looks better on you."

Not knowing what to say, caught up in the storm in his eyes, you give a small smile. You can feel your cheeks turning red under the intensity of his stare.

Zemo stood up, getting ready to leave when you stopped him by latching onto his wrist.

"Wait," you murmured.

The swift action caused him to furrow his brow in confusion.

You weren't sure exactly what you wanted from him, only that you didn't want him to go.

"Stay."

You could tell you startled him with your request. Your eyes grew larger realizing the potential double meaning.

"Just until I fall asleep?" you clarified, a yawn escaped as you covered your mouth.

Zemo visibly relaxed and had you relinquish your hold on his arm so he could pull up a chair to your bed. He turned his head around the room in search of something. He went to the nightstand and picked up your book.

Amusement flitted across the features of his face as he read the cover. Zemo sat down on the chair and propped his feet up on the side of the bed.

You shut your eyes and tried to block out the soreness covering your body. Tomorrow would be worse. The next day always is. You had begun to doze off, when ever so quietly, you heard Zemo's voice fill the room.

He was reading to you. Lulling you into a peaceful sleep and letting you know he was still present. Wanting you to know, in his own way, he was upholding his promise to Bucky and Sam. That you were safe with him. That you could trust him just as you had, when you asked him to stay in the first place.

With those final thoughts, you drifted off, listening to the subdued sound of his voice.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia! I'm really loving ffs and I have a question about ADHD because it's something I'm really struggling with at the moment.

I see a lot of the symptoms of ADHD in my behaviour and I've been trying to be diagnosed and get help for it. However, I'm an asian woman at university and my propensity for taking on too many commitments and overworking myself seems to continuously be swept away by therapists saying that's just the way a lot of asian women are and that it isn't ADHD.

Do you have any thoughts on how I might be able to have a conversation with them so that I can possibly get some help. It's just becoming quite frustrating and I feel incredibly lost.

However, I'm an asian woman at university and my propensity for taking on too many commitments and overworking myself seems to continuously be swept away by therapists saying that's just the way a lot of asian women are and that it isn't ADHD.

...That just sounds horribly racist, tbh. Like, that's pigeonholing people into stereotypes that are harmful and stop you from getting assessed and treated properly. That's not even a microaggression, that's just straight up racism. Like, I also take on too many commitments and overwork myself, but a therapist won't blame that on my ethnicity. That's a shitty thing to have happen more than once anon, and I'm so so sorry. Asian women can and have definitely been diagnosed with ADHD!

You absolutely have a right to get assessed. You also have a right to call out - if you feel safe enough - your therapists when they say things like that. Sometimes saying something like: 'What would you say to someone who wasn't Asian then' or 'I understand you're using ethnic stereotypes right now, but can you not use those to bar me from actual assessments?' or 'how would you treat me if you weren't seeing me as an ethnic stereotype?' or 'you dismissing my concerns based on me being Asian is not actually helpful, can I talk to your manager about this?' depending on how bold you feel. But all of this stuff can be extremely hard to say (even if you're saying it only in writing).

Sometimes just a straight up: 'Could you still do the assessments please' or 'can you please refer me to a specialist in this area' can go a long way. Honestly, sometimes calling someone out on being a bigot can also make them realise they're not helping and/or make you realise you deserve a better therapist. I haven't had to do it for ethnicity, but I have had to do it for ableism and queerphobia, and it sucks. At the very least, if I didn't feel like I could be honest with my therapist and they were being bigoted, it let me know that I needed a different therapist.

It might also be worth finding a psychiatrist or actual specialist in ADHD (i.e. not a university therapist, many of them are not good, and also categorically not equipped to diagnose people like this), who not only specialises in subjective self-reporting (i.e. you answering questions) but also objective metrics (i.e. computer programs and tests designed to measure your visual / audio concentration and working memory and executive function).

Unfortunately that can be expensive depending on your circumstances :( Idk what kind of insurance or healthcare you have access to, but it's definitely worth looking for a specialist in adult ADHD, especially adult ADHD in women (which can present differently than it does in men).

Also if anyone here has any suggestions from personal experience - especially on matters of not being allowed to access assessments specifically due to a therapist using ethnic stereotypes against them like this, please feel free to speak up in the replies / reblogs! This obviously isn't something I've had personal experience with, and I know some of my suggestions might be completely off base. <3

Anon, what you have gone through on this so far is really unfair, and really bigoted, I'm not surprised you feel lost and frustrated. You 100% deserve to be assessed purely on your behaviours and attention and executive function, just like everyone else. But I also think it's really awesome that you're persisting on this, and are determined to help yourself as best as you can. The fact that you recognise these people are failing you (and they are) means hopefully you will eventually find someone who doesn't. I really wish you luck with this stuff, and I'm so sorry for the crap you've already had to put up with.

[male-fanfics-for-days]

Pierced By Cupid

Tsukishima x Reader

A/n: I may have spent waaayy too much time on this one, so sorry if it seems like it was dragging on. Tsukki is a charater I went from hating to loving mostly bc I relate to him so much. Anyway, enough on that!! This has not be prof read so sorry for mistakes!!

ENJOY!!

EDIT: I made a part 2 which you can find here! The Jealous Type

At first, he didn’t really notice. He wasn’t looking for anything so there was no reason he really would have noticed, but when he did he was actually shocked by how he didn’t notice before.

A boy, only what he could guess was an inch shorter than Nishinoya with h/c hair and his school jacket off, was in his class studying at the time. Not surprising, however, it was a college prep class. But it was the way the boy kept glancing up at the clock that got Tsukishima’s attention, bouncing his feet and twirling his pencil in his hand while seemingly only somewhat paying attention to his studies.

The only reason Tsukishima was at all looking at the boy was because he was annoying, the boy just wouldn’t stop moving which reminded him of a certain ginger boy the made him groan in his head, prying to any god that he didn’t believe in that this boy wasn’t like the short, excitable spiker on his volleyball team.

Somehow, he got vibes that this boy was different, though he didn’t want to jump to a calming conclusion. 

Soon the bell rang and he stood from his desk as it was time for him to get ready for the after-school volleyball club activities. The boy he was watching before, despite seeming anxious to get out of class, was calm in collecting his things. He put away his notebooks and pencils in a neat and orderly fashion, setting them all gently in his shoulder bag that looked brand new.

“Tsukki?”

Tsukishima blinked a few times, refocusing and looking down at his long time friend, who was staring up at him in confusion. 

“What?” Was Tsukishima’s blunt response, starting to put away his own things as well, which were not much.

“You were drifting is all,” Yamaguchi muttered out, looking around the room as the other students left. “You were pretty far gone too.”

“The guy who sits behind you wouldn’t stop moving.” Tsukishima replied honestly, adjusting his headphones on his neck and making his way out of the room, Yamaguchi following by his side. 

“The guy behind me?” Yamaguchi thought out loud, looking to the ceiling as they both made their familiar path to the club room to change. “You mean L/n-san?”

“I don’t know his name,” Tsukishima tisked, rolling his eyes while stuffing his hands in his pockets. “He was just moving so much and staring at the clock, it was annoying.”

“Hm, it’s probably because his petition for a club creation got accepted and it starts today.” Yamaguchi theorized, and despite his refusal to believe, Tsukishima found himself getting curious.

“... I didn’t think a first year would be allowed to do that.” He simply stated, both to keep the conversation going and to state a fact that he really didn’t know. Yamaguchi chuckled softly and nodded his head.

“Apparently it took a lot of convincing, both on L/n-san’s part and apparently his middle school teachers and a therapist.”

“And where did you hear all this?” Tsukishima prodded. Not to say he wasn’t interested in this tale, but it was an odd amount of information for his shy, freckled friend to have. “Gross, please don’t tell me you are gossiping now?”

“E-eh! N-No Tsukki!” He stammered, flustered. He waved a hand and looked up at Tsukishima. “The others in the class were talking about it while we were eating lunch… I wasn’t eavesdropping! They weren’t quiet about it!”

“What club did he want made, anyway?” Tsukishima swiftly changed the subject, much to the relief of Yamaguchi’s heart.

“Archery.”

“Archery?” Tsukishima echoed back, stopping his walking in the hallway just outside the door that led into the club room and gave Yamaguchi an inquisitive look. “Why archery?”

“I’m not sure,” Yamaguchi shrugged. “But, if it involved a therapist, he probably has a reason he likes archery.”

Tsukishima stood silent for a long moment in thought, which surprised Yamaguchi a small bit. Tsukishima was never one to show an interest in a subject that he wasn’t himself already interested in, but for him to be thinking about not only someone else, but what that someone else was interested in was like seeing a blue moon.

Finally Tsukishima gave a grunt and a shrug, opening the door to the club room and thereby bringing an end to that conversation.

--------------

The next day, Tsukishima found his gaze unwillingly going back to the boy from before. It seemed he wasn’t as anxious as before, though still bouncing his legs and twirling his pencil, he looked far more at peace today. Tsukishima wondered if it was because he got to do his archery club yesterday after school, like it was an itch that wasn’t satisfied until he had a bow and arrow in hand.

Tsukishima then began to wonder what that was like, to hold a bow and an arrow in hand, to release an arrow into a target several feet away from you. He’d never done it before so he let his mind wonder.

Was it fun? Did he get a lot of people to join the club? Is it like playing volleyball or like playing an instrument? What type of techniques does he do to hit the middle of the target with one clean release of a bow string?

The more he thought, the more his curiosity grew. He knew it was probably pretty obvious he was burning holes into the back of the boy's head, but he couldn’t help getting lost in his own head.

“Y/n-chan!”

A girl came bouncing into the classroom and Tsukishima was immediately annoyed, she was far too perky compared to the boy whose head raised at the sound of his name.

“Hello, Nachi-san… Why are you here?”

Tsukishima felt the corners of his mouth lift up at the boy, Y/n L/n’s, reactions. The girl gave a dramatic pout while placing her bento on his desk.

“We are supposed to be eating lunch together!”

Y/n looked up at the clock, then down to his desk, and then up at her before averting his eyes to the desk once more.

“I don’t remember saying that…”

“You don’t remember a lot of things.” She sassed back, putting her hands on her hips. Y/n glanced at her before bouncing his feet and twirling his pencil once more, the girl, Nachi, started to speak again.

“You also said we were going to study after school. I have a test coming up for math and you know how much I suck at math, really it’s as if it’s a whole other language. Speaking of language, we should study English together as well. You’re so go at it, I don’t think you have ever gotten below a 95%!”

As the girl rambled on with pointless conversation, Tsukishima could tell that Y/n wasn’t at all listening to what she was saying. It looked as if he just turned off his mind, eyes slowly drifting around the room, never on the or anyone for that matter. It was like he was seeing a different world before his eyes, and this was all while the girl continued to prattle on.

Tsukishima couldn’t stop the low chuckle that left his throat as he watched, the girl just now realizing that the boy she was speaking to had no idea she was even speaking in the first place.

“Y/n-chan!!”

Said boy flinched at her loudness, his hands going to his ears as he blinked rapidly at her, his brows frowning as she huffed at him.

“You were spacing out ag-”

“You should eat your bento before lunch ends.” Y/n dropped his hands to his desk, leg beginning to bounce once more as he looked at the clock. “I’ll be at archery after school, so I won’t be studying. Oh.” 

Y/n then smiled at the girl, completely overseeing the fact that he cut her off and wasn’t listening to her.

“I bought a new bow yesterday with my father after the club, it is larger and is a more western type of bow. It has been really fun to use so far and I really can’t wai-”

“Did you even hear a word I said?”

The girl cut him off, glaring down at him with arms crossed. Y/n lost his smile and looked at her confused.

“When?”

“Just now!” She called out. “I was talking to you then you cut me off!”

“Oh…” Y/n’s joy that was once there faded quickly and he dropped his head in a bow. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… I just had-”

“Never mind, Y/n-chan.” The girl sighed, shaking her head and picking up her bento. “I’ll go have lunch with my other friends.”

Y/n watched her leave silently, Tsukishima himself watching as well. He didn’t really understand it, but he was angry at the girl. Tsukishima himself was not someone with an overabundance of patience but even he could understand Y/n was not someone who could focus easily. 

It was obvious that Y/n had a type of ADHD, the lack of focus on conversations, the constant moving, covering his ears with loud noises, interrupting mid sentence and rapid movement from topic to topic. 

Despite all this Tsukishima was even more curious about the archery boy, and not for the reason he was before. Before he was curious on a basic level, why archery, why start a club, why so much movement, and so on. Now he knew more about it and was more curious on a deeper scale, why do archery if you had trouble focusing, why be in a college prep class that requires a lot of focus and study, why was it so difficult for him to start a club (despite the obvious fact of only being a first year).

Yamaguchi wasn’t at school for a family reason, as he had told Tsukishima threw a text, so when the day was through and time for him to go to his own club, Tsukishima found himself walking down the hall to a different gym then his usual. 

It was went he heard solid swift thuds through the open door way of the gym that he found what he was looking for, in the blink of an eye, he saw arrows pass the view of the door then a satisfying thunk of the arrow finding its target.

Tsukishima stood in the entrance of the gym, looking from one side of targets to where the arrows were being shot from. Despite being in the view of Y/n, he was far too focused on the grip he had on the arrow and bow string to care about someone at the entrance of the gym.

He released the arrow with a breath out, and instead of a thunk deep into the target and Tsukishima expected, he instead he a snap and crack. Looking to the target, he allowed himself to be in shock.

The arrow just released had gone straight through the back of an already embedded arrow, leaving the first arrow split in two while the second arrow was stuck between the two split pieces.

“Wow, you’d better hope that’s not school property.” Tsukishima snickered, giving Y/n his ever famous smirk. Y/n looked a little shocked that anyone was there, let alone watching. He held his bow by his side, placing the arrow he was about to take out back in his quiver.

“It’s my own equipment.”

“Ah, so were you just trying to impress me?” Tsukishima continued to smirk, Y/n looked to the floor and shook his head before looking back up at Tsukishima.

“I didn’t know you were there… I don’t suppose you're here for the Archery Club?” Y/n mood seemed to shift from anxious to relaxed as he spoke the words archery, but Tsukishima shook his head.

“No, I’m on the volleyball team. I just came to see what the noise was, I’ll be leaving.”

He turned and walked away from the gym doors, his mind already thinking up an excuse for having to show up late for practice when he heard Y/n’s voice.

“You can come by anytime you want,” Tsukishima turned and looked at Y/n with a blank face, Y/n smiled a small corner smile. “The club was just made, so it’s only me. The teachers are going to find other students who want to join… Until then, it will just be me.”

Tsukishima and Y/n both stared at each other for a moment, Tsukishima not breaking his blank faced facade. He turned and walked away, throwing a comment over his shoulder before he fully walked away.

“We’ll see.”

---------------------

Y/n changed the times for his club, so instead of having it just after school he asked for the early morning as well, before school truly started. He was the time he set up so him and Tsukishima could spend more time with each other without Tsukishima getting in trouble for missing practice.

Their meetings have been happening for about 4 weeks, Yamaguchi formally meeting Y/n a week after Tsukishima had already been hanging out with the archer. 

In such a time Tsukishima learned a lot about Y/n.

Archery was one of the only things that ever allowed Y/n to focus with an almost superhuman accuracy. It was also one of the ways he would study, more likely to remember the answers to a review if he nails a bullseye. Another thing he had learned was that Y/n was just as sarcastic as Tsukishima himself, the only difference is that Y/n never said it out loud.

Y/n had trouble with noise, specifically loud noises or the sound of multiple people talking at once. He once described the feeling to Tsukishima as he was cleaning his bow and arrows.

“When I hear a loud noise or a crowd of people, my whole body goes stiff. It started to become hard to breath and not matter how hard I try to block it out, I can’t move.” 

Y/n sighed, letting the bow rest on his lap and on his crossed legs. He sat across from Tsukishima who was looking through Y/n’s notes, Tsukishima looking up at him pause.

“When that happens, I kinda… black out. My whole body suddenly feels like the energy was just sucked out of me,” Y/n looked at Tsukishima in the eyes as he gave a somewhat weak smirk. “I usually pass out when it happens.”

“... that sucks.” Tsukishima responded, Y/n giving him a blank look before rolling his eyes and standing.

“No shit, aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?”

Tsukishima smirked and looked up at the boy while raising a brow.

“Keep that attitude and I won’t let you eat my spare sweet bread.”

Y/n immediately turned back around, almost entirely forgetting he was supposed to be doing archery.

“WAIT YOU HAVE SWEET BREAD?!!?”

In the classroom, they simply acted as strangers. Not ignoring each other, but also not making a show of friendship. Tsukishima and Y/n both realized they were the same in that they didn’t really need to interact with each other constantly to know the other is still a friend.

Yamaguchi said how nice it was to see Tsukishima gain more friends, which Tsukishima quickly shot down as him not ‘making friends’ like a child. One of the reasons Tsukishima was quite upset with Yamaguchi about saying this was that he said it during volleyball which meant his other teammates heard it and were relentlessly teasing him.

Sure, he was good at dodging their questions and instead riling them up the way they tried with him, but his teammates genuinely wondered who this mysterious new friend of Tsukishima’s was.

None of them thought they would meet this friend today.

They were maybe 1/4th of their way into practice when they heard a soft voice call out to Tsukishima from the gyms door way, everyone in the gym turned their heads to see a short h/c boy standing with a shoulder bag over his shoulder, his uniform jacket around his waist and a grey notebook in his hand.

“Um… Tsukishima… You forgot your notebook in my gym.” Y/n held up the notebook as if to show proof of why he was interrupting their practice, he gave a deep bow to the coach and the other volleyball players. “Please excuse the intrusion.”

“You’re fine, kid.” Coach Ukai said, but the end of whatever he was going to say was drowned out by a few people Tsukishima never wanted meeting Y/n.

“Are you Tsukki’s new friend we’ve heard about?!” Tanaka called out, going straight up to Y/n who flinched a little at his loud voice, flinching more as Nishinoya jumped up and down next to him.

“Ah! You’re shorter than me!! I’m not the shortest anymore!!”

“You’re still the shortest on our team, however.” Tsukishima cut in, making his way over to Y/n who only relaxed a little more as Tsukishima stood next to him, taking the notebook.

Nishinoya was irked by Tsukishima’s comment, but it was Hinata that set off a bomb of questions aimed at the already slightly overwhelmed boy.

“OOOOHHH!!! You’re the first year that started the archery club, aren’t you!?!?”

“Uh… y-yea-”

“ARCHERY?!?! LIKE THE KIND SAMURAIS USE?!?”

“Well, not all the time but-”

“You’re the leader of that club right?? How many people have joined so far?”

“No-”

“Alright, calm down.”

Daichi tried and failed to calm the rambunctious trio, even Kageyama was muttering out questions. It took a moment to realize that this was what kind of chaos Y/n couldn’t listen to, and when Tsukishima looked down at the boy he could tell immediately he was not well.

His chest visibly stuttered, showing he was not breathing right, his skin went and lighter shade and his eyes were moving rapidly to each person who was talking and speaking over each other.

Tsukishima swiftly turned away and walked over to his extra school bag he brought with him, thanking his past self for finding a reason to bring it.

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi softly called his friend, but Tsukishima was too focused on something else.

Tsukishima pulled out his headphones, an extra water bottle, his phone, and his black volleyball jacket. Standing back up and turning back to Y/n, who looked to be getting worse by the second, he put his plan to action.

Without even acknowledging the other people in the room, he put his headphones over Y/n’s head, placing them over his ears, plugging it into his phone and playing whatever music was available. He picked up Y/n’s hand and placed his phone in his grip, then put the water bottle in his other hand before putting one of his large hands over Y/n’s eyes, then glaring at the group that was round them.

Y/n leaned into Tsukishima’s hand that was over his eyes, his breathing slowly going back to normal, with puffs of air as he tried taking deep breaths.

“You’re all overwhelming him, idiots.” Tsukishima almost growled out, glaring at a specific four people. “Do any of you know what personal space is?”

He didn’t wait for a response as he took his hand off Y/n’s eyes and guided him to his bag, Y/n kept his eyes closed and took sips of the water before allowing Tsukishima to lower him to the ground next to his bag. Y/n curled his legs to his chest, putting the bottle beside him and clutching Tsukishima’s phone close to his chest, Tsukishima then placed his black jacket over Y/n like a cover, successfully blocking out the harsh gym lights.

Once he stood at full height, watching Y/n for a moment for any other signs of discomfort, he turned to his team and glared.

“If I knew you were all going to try and kill him, I would never have let you even know he existed, not that I wanted to in the first place.” His last comment was directed at Yamaguchi, who looked down.

“Gomen, Tsukki.”

“We didn’t try to kill him!!” Hinata cried out. “Will he be okay?!”

“Not if you keep yelling, you walking, human orange.” Tsukishima snapped, making Hinata irritated but covering his mouth.

Sugawara was the one that came over to Tsukishima, glancing down at the covered, curled up boy. 

“Is he really okay? What was that?”

“He’s sense’s are hypersensitive. Like I said, he was overwhelmed.” Tsukishima replied, looking down at Y/n and sighing, before looking off somewhere else. “He’ll be fine, he just needs time to recover.”

“Would it be best for him to move to the club room then-”

“No.” Tsukishima quickly answered, cutting off Sugawara who seemed taken back by his quick answer. “Let’s just keep practicing. He’s fine here.”

There was a thick silence before Coach Ukai clapped his hands and told them to continue. Kiyoko and Yachi stood by Y/n as he hid away in Tsukishima’s jacket, making sure no stray volleyball hit him while he was recovering. The boys were also cautious of being too loud, especially Hinata, Tanaka, and Nishinoya, the loudest of their team. 

Practice went on like normal and finished just the same, them all getting ready to change and go home. Tsukishima kneeled down in front of Y/n, who was still curled up and had his jacket over his head, and he slowly took the jacket from off him.

What he saw made his heart skip a bit in a way he never felt before.

Y/n had his arms crossed over his knees with his head laying on them, Tsukishima’s headphones still on his ears playing music while he slept peacefully. His cheek was pressed to his arms and his mouth was slightly one, little out tiny puffs of air.

He looked so small, so at peace. A peace Tsukishima has never seen on someone before, and watching his eyelashes flutter somewhat in his sleep as he dreamed, Tsukishima quickly realized what this feeling in his chest was and felt a heat rise to his face in response.

Slowly peeling his phone out of Y/n’s hand and taking his headphones back, he placed his hand on top of Y/n’s head and spoke softly to the sleeping boy.

“Hey, we’re leaving.”

Y/n didn’t stir for a moment, which made Tsukishima softly run his hand over Y/n’s head in a gentle pet to wake him up.

“Y/n.”

It was then that Y/n’s eyes fluttered open, Tsukishima moving his hand back to his side and watching as Y/n slowly woke up. He opened his mouth and let out a yawn, then lifted his arms over his head in a cat like scratch, letting his legs stretch out as well. He made little noises of someone just waking up, rubbing his eyes and he took in a deep breath, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment.

Tsukishima would first be found dead and as tall as Nishinoya before he would ever admit to thinking Y/n was currently the cutest being he has ever known and has ever existed, and he was really glad no one else was left in the gym to see it. He would never admit that he would have been jealous to know others saw Y/n’s cute display, to know that Y/n was like a plushy in human form.

“Your practice is over?” Y/n rasped out, his voice still soft from sleep.

To avoid being seen blushing, Tsukishima quickly went about packing his things.

“We are leaving now.”

“Oh… okay.”

---------------------------------

There was little to no talking among the two as Tsukishima changed and got ready, Yamaguchi had stayed in the club room to tell them both that the team was buying meat buns as an apology for what they did earlier.

Yamaguchi spoke with Y/n casually as they made their way down to their coach's store, Tsukishima only half listening to what they were saying, half thinking deeply to himself.

Did he really fall in love with this archer boy? Half of his mind reasoned with him that it wasn’t that surprising, seeing as they had a lot in common but they were also very different. That part of his mind admitted full force that he was in love and that he was allowed to have nice things like then.

Then came his logical side, with a list; they were both boys was the biggest, Tsukishima had never looked at guys romantically before, he knew Y/n for 4 weeks, outside of school he barely knew anything about Y/n outside of the small things he’s been told, Y/n himself doesn’t know much about Tsukishima since he never really made and effort to explain more about himself outside what he thought was needed, the team would probably never see him the same again, people in class would probably talk which was more annoying than anything. 

He started thinking the same way he thought for volleyball, why try if it was going to end poorly, for both him and Y/n. Why risk all the bad things that could happen, no, that would happen.

‘I’m not in love’ He thought to himself conclusively looking down at the boys conversing next to him, but unfortunately for him, his heart had other plans.

Y/n had a tired smile that made his face shine in the most beautiful way, a gentle laugh leaving his chest as something Yamaguchi had said. His eyes squinting into crescent moons with crows feet wrinkling his slightly flushed cheeks, making them look soft in the moonlight. Then, he turned to look up at Tsukishima.

He knew at that moment that no matter how many times he would say it’s not true… he was pierced by this small cupid boy, and Tsukishima now knew what it felt like to be one of Y/n’s targets. Though, he was not complaining.

His eyes reflected the moon and were glossed in a still sleepy way, his eyes still crinkled at the corners and a smile now more soft than cloth could ever be. He was looking up at Tsukishima as if he had just handed him the earth and sky, and as dangerous as the feeling was, Tsukishima could feel in his chest that if Y/n asked for it, he would give him just that.

“I’m sorry if I made your practice more difficult, Tsukki.” Y/n said gently while shrugging his shoulder, unknowing of the effect of his voice and words on the tall boy's heart.

“... Tsukki?” Was the only thing that could leave his lips, his brain using every ounce of control it had not to turn into a blushing mess. He was so whipped for that small archer, and Y/n had no idea.

“Oh, sorry,” He bowed his head with a slight laugh. “Yama-san calls you that, so I thought I could as well.” 

Tsukishima glanced over to his long time friend, who only gave a small chuckle in response.

“Mm.” Tsukishima didn’t risk his voice, knowing if he tried to say anything at the moment, he would in fact let loose that Y/n was more than welcome to call him anything.

“Oi! Tsukishima! Yamaguchi! Archer-san! Over here!”

The trio glanced up and saw the rest of the volleyball team outside the store, each eating a meat bun. Without knowing it, Tsukishima walked closer to Y/n’s side, and the only reason Y/n noticed was the warmth and was radiation off him.

They got closer and Daichi stepped forward, bowing to Y/n who became even more flushed then simply the evening air.

“I would like to formally apologize for overwhelming you before.”

The rest of the team bowed as well, making Y/n back up into Tsukishima, resulting in Tsukishima gently placing a hand on the small of his back.

“O-oh, it’s okay.” Y/n looked down and away, avoiding eye contact. “You’d be surprised how often that happens to me, I’m just glad Tsukki got to me before I collapsed.”

“Eh?! Would you have died?!” Hinata exclaimed in sheer worry, but flinched after seeing Y/n flinch himself from the loud tone of his voice. Hinata was hit in the head by Kageyama, who scowled at him.

“You’re too loud, boke.”

“Ugh! I--” Hinata was about to yell as just a natural reaction when talking to the dark haired setter, but glancing at Y/n who was slowly starting to hide behind Tsukishima, he growled low and glared at the ground. “...I know that.”

“Here,” Asahi came over to Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Y/n, handed them a bag filled with meat buns. “I got one for each team member and two for...eh...uhm.”

Asahi had to peek around Tsukishima’s back, everyone now noticing that Y/n basically hiding behind Tsukishima and staying close to his back while watching everyone. Y/n blushed and stuttered.

“E-eh, my names L/n Y/n.”

“L/y-kun.” Asahi finished, smiling shyly back at Y/n who gave one as equal.

Though it would go unnoticed as Tsukishima going into the bag to grab a meat bun held by Yamaguchi, what it really was was Tsukishima blocking everyone's view of Y/n.

Sugawara spoke next, smiling at everyone.

“As nice as it would be to get to know L/y-san, we have early practice tomorrow and it's getting colder.”

“Right,” Daichi said, “Tomorrow morning will be one by one training seeing what each of us can work on, so get well rested.”

“Yes sir!!”

Tsukishima gave the meat bun bag to Y/n and covered his ears, everyone else sheepishly looked on and replied again more quietly.

Yamaguchi said he needed to go to the grocery store to get a few things for his mother before he went home, so he told Tsukishima and Y/n to go without him. This left the two boys to walk home together, alone.

Y/n quietly munched on the meat buns while they walked, unknowingly shivering as he stared up at the evening sky, then to the buildings around in a distracted way. Tsukishima didn’t really know what his plan was, but he stopped Y/n from walking with an arm in front of him.

Y/n bumped into his arm, not seeing it before, then looked up at Tsukishima.

“What’s wrong?”

“You were going to trip over that.” Both Tsukishima and Y/n looked down and saw a large branch from a nearby tree in the way, Y/n went to pick it up but Tsukishima just used his foot to kick it out of the way.

He then began taking off his jackets and placing it on Y/n’s shoulders.

“You are also shivering.” Tsukishima looked ahead, acting as if this was no big deal. But he caught a glimpse of Y/n snuggling into his jacket more and had to look away, a silent cuss mouthing from his lips.

“Thank you, Tsukki.” Y/n said, continuing to munch on his snacks. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were being nice to me.”

Tsukishima, stopped walking, in turn making Y/n stop walking and look up at him. Tsukishima then places the back of his hand on Y/n’s forehead, Y/n himself looking on in pure confusion.

“Uh… Tsukki-”

“If you think I’m being nice, you must be sick.”

Y/n snorted and let out a hearty laugh, swiftly swatting away Tsukishima’s hand and stomping down the road like a child, all while Tsukishima hid a smile behind a smirk.

“You’re dumb.”

“Wow,” Tsukishima snarked, walking next to Y/n and looking down at him with his signature smirk. “Did you think of that one all by yourself? I’d say I’m proud but, I don’t care.”

Y/n laughed again, shaking his head, not noticing the look of pure admiration Tsukishima was staring at him with.

Despite the nervousness he felt of his feelings being found out, Tsukishima felt as if their conversation was as smooth as any. It wasn’t forced or uncomfortable, Y/n laughed freely and comfortably while Tsukishima joked and sent sarcasm his way. He would have thought that after knowing how attracted he was to the boy, he would have stopped being natural or at least would not be talking as much as he was at the moment.

But everything with Y/n was natural, as natural as the moon is to the stars. Their conversations switched and changed often, though Tsukishima felt no irritation as the excited glimmer in Y/n out weighed any negative thoughts.

Tsukishima hadn’t even really realized it until he and Y/n stopped in front of a house, that he was walking Y/n home and this was where they went their separate way.

Y/n neatly folded the bag that was now empty of meat buns and put it in his pocket, slowly taking off Tsukishima’s jacket and handing it back to him.

“Here, thanks again for letting me use it. And it was nice to meet your team.”

Tsukishima took his jacket back, flushing slightly at touching Y/n's hand and looking off.

“Even despite the fact they almost made you pass out.”

“Well, in truth they did make me pass out, but luckily you were there so I didn’t collapse and make a fool of myself.”

“I don’t think that is what makes you a fool, Y/n.”

Y/n puffed up his cheeks and slightly hit Tsukishima’s arm, Tsukishima not feeling anything and just smiling it off. Y/n turned to his house and walked to his door, not wanting their fun to end but they would see each other again tomorrow. 

Knowing they would be together again tomorrow, even for a short while, made Y/n’s chest swell with joy.

“Y/n.” Y/n had just put his hand on the door handle when he heard Tsukishima’s voice.

“Yeah, Tsukk--” 

He turned to face Tsukishima, but he didn’t expect him to be so close. Practically pushed up against the door, Y/n looked up only in time for Tsukishima to lower his head and made their lips touch.

Y/n’s eyes immediately fluttered shut at the warmth that suddenly filled him body, the smell of Tsukishima intoxicating him just as his jacket had been for so long.

In truth, if it were anyone else, Y/n would not have calmed down so quickly, he would not have felt comfortable enough to fall asleep just anywhere, he would not have felt comfortable letting just anyone touch him the way Tsukishima had. 

And in return, Tsukishima didn’t know anyone that made him open up as fast as Y/n did, not even Yamaguchi, his childhood friend. He had always been closed off and unwilling to put his whole heart into things, with fear of failure, heart break, rejection. But through this kiss, through connecting his lips to Y/n’s, he was saying that his heart was open to Y/n and only Y/n. Somehow, through the 4 weeks of knowing one another, it was like cupid's arrow was destined to pierce them both.

They pulled apart, the breath mixing as they stayed close, the lips brushing over each other as they soaked in what had happened.

“Kei.” Tsukishima’s voice came out in a hushed tone, one that made Y/n swoon.

“Wha--”

“If we are going to be together,” He continued, standing straight and looking down at Y/n’s flushed face with a smile. “Call me Kei.”

Y/n stood in shock, but as many things in his head, he was quick to smile back and Tsukishima. He allowed his heart to swell with the only thought of the tall boy with glasses and a sarcastic attitude, Tsukishima too allowing his mind, body, and soul to be only filled with the short, just as funny, archer boy who stole his heart in record time.

“Well… goodnight then… Kei.”

“Goodnight, Y/n.”

[andguesswhat]

The fool on the hill - Chapter 7

Yeah, well… Probably not what you’ve expected…  But for me this is them as well…

The Clown and the Circus Bear

*

So everything had been perfect. 

Owen had felt genuinely happy. He thought Tom was fucking adorable, he wanted to kiss him, wanted to fuck him. 

The moment on the hill with him was definitely something he would always cherish, always remember. This deep feeling of affection combined with this immense tension, the thrill, this feeling that yes, the other felt the same, wanted the same…

And as fucking frustrating as it was that they were interrupted and didn’t kiss, he had loved that, too. It was like being in a cheesy movie where the tension was ramped up yet again with a cheap director’s trick.

He took a deep breath. 

But now this. 

It had been like this before. 

Sometimes when he was genuinely happy, he would suddenly get this fear of losing everything. Like he wasn’t allowed to be this happy. So the happier he got, the more likely he was to crash. 

And this morning he had crashed, and crashed hard. 

A dark cloud of thick cotton already surrounded him, numbing and suffocating him. And there was nothing he could do about it. 

He had managed to get through the day and pretend everything was fine. But now he was on set at this birthday party of Natasha's and he felt completely out of place, like he didn’t belong here. Everyone around him was laughing too loud, talking too loud and he just wanted to get away from it all. 

Of course, after yesterday on the hill, everything was pointing towards him and Tom kissing tonight. Because why not. They should have fun at this party and then at some point.... kiss... right?

And it was that very expectation that caused Owen to crash. 

The excitement that he had felt yesterday was gone. Instead there was this fear of somehow not meeting the expectations, of doing something wrong that would destroy everything.

He hated it. 

Knowing that this was just some kind of sick mechanism in his head and he wasn’t able to do anything about it. He hated feeling like shit when this happened, but he bit his tongue and just smiled through the pain.

He saw Tom talking to people, saw him searching for eye contact with him, beaming at him, winking at him but Owen avoided him, always went somewhere else, far away from him. He felt a twinge in his chest at each smile sent his way and he finally couldn't do it anymore, so he disappeared behind some backdrops and got to the areas that were only illuminated with emergency lights. 

He had always loved that. Wandering through abandoned, dimly lit sets. He loved the atmosphere it created. But now he was just enjoying the darkness and a break away from all these laughing people. 

With a big sigh he sat down on the steps in the TVA interrogation room, resting his arms on his drawn knees, and closed his eyes. 

Why the fuck…!

He didn’t want this. 

He just wanted to be happy. 

He had been happy. 

So what was wrong with him?

Why had he to be like that?

He really hated himself. 

He wanted to drown this feeling in alcohol but he couldn’t risk falling even deeper.  

To think about his kids in these situations sometimes helped. Sometimes it made it worse, made him think he was the worst dad of all. 

Since he had come to Atlanta to work on `Loki´ everything had been so good this far. 

Even his current sleeping problems had stopped. He had felt calm. Content. Confident. 

Meeting Tom was one of the best things that had happened to him lately. He felt good in his presence. Safe. It was something he hadn’t expected. So he had cherished the time he had spent with Tom on and off set as something really special. 

And working on `Loki´ had been a blessing, too. The script was crap if he was honest. But due to that they had so much fun, so much freedom to try things out, to improvise, to just see what they came up with and it gave him the urge to write again. If it was for him, he would already do prequels, sequels and spin-offs with Mobius. He just loved it. He loved playing Mobius.

It really had done him so damn good. 

Owen contorted his face. 

So why?

Just why the fuck had it to be like this?

He heard someone coming. 

Saw Tom looking for him…  

With a bottle of beer in his hand. With a concerned look on his face.

“Hey…” 

With his fucking soft voice that Owen loved so much. 

“Everything alright? I don’t… I don’t want to bother you when you want to be alone. I was just… worried.” 

Being as sweet and caring and polite as always.

And it hurt Owen deep down in his chest. 

“No.. no, you don’t. I just… “ He didn’t know what to say.  

He just knew that he didn’t want Tom to leave.

“Can I sit down?” Tom asked carefully. 

Yes, please. “Sure.”

So Tom sat down next to him, looking at him with big questioning eyes. 

Yeah.. he should probably explain something. 

“I’m sorry… Tom.” Owen began. “I…”

He hated it. “I’m a mess...”

But Tom just looked at him compassionately and waited, so Owen continued. 

“I… have problems… sometimes.. mental problems… So I get sad sometimes… when I’m supposed to be… happy… when I am happy… It is some kind of dysfunction in my head. Like.. Well, like the happy clown gets sad…”

He sighed.

“And I’m really sorry… Because I guess.. you have expected something else… tonight… But I’m not good for you… I guess, I’m not good for anybody when I’m like this…” 

Tom squinted his eyes and pressed his lips together as if he was disagreeing but trying not to say anything. So Owen emphasized his point.

“I just can’t… give you what you want. I wish I could. But I just can’t.” 

He shook his head and looked down at the floor because he just didn’t know why he actually couldn’t.  

“I know this is hard to understand…” He knew how fucking stupid this all sounded. Why don’t you just do it if you want to? What’s the problem? They always say… 

He closed his eyes, feeling ashamed of himself.

“I do understand…” he heard Tom say softly.

Owen lifted his head to look at him. He was looking right back at him, with so much compassion in his eyes, and he continued speaking. Quietly. 

“Well, I don’t know… I mean everybody feels different, everybody has different… problems.. challenges… I don’t get sad when I’m happy.. But I do know what the sad side of a clown feels like… or actually more the sad side of a circus bear… which I am… Or was… I don’t know…”

Owen had to laugh a little at that. “Tom, the circus bear… Sounds like a cute children’s book.”

Tom smiled. “Yeah… .  I don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of ADHD,” he shrugged his shoulders, “… but I’ve always done what people wanted me to do. And people wanted me to do really stupid things… . And I just did them. I loved the attention, I loved being liked… and to be loved… so I did more and more without really knowing why… And it really took me a long time to realize that…" he looked at the ceiling lost in thoughts, "I have worked constantly for 6 years in a row… I’ve sort of done every movie they offered me.. I have no idea how many interviews I gave during that time… how many stupid things I did… and all that just to not sit in that bear cage after the show…. And feel lonely and redundant…”

Owen felt his heart ache hearing all this. He didn't dare to breathe, didn't want to break this fragile bubble that they had somehow built here.

“And at some point I really lost it, I got so tired of it all… But you’re stuck in this wheel … " Tom’s hand made a circle," and you don’t know how to get out of it… I didn’t know who I am or what I wanted…” he sighed and nibbled at the label of his bottle. “I think I’m better now. Know how to take all this. But this doesn’t make me immune, you know. It will always be there…”

He took a deep breath, straightening up his back and looking directly at Owen.

“I’m sorry… I don’t want to be whining here.. I just want you to know that I know how it feels to be sad… when from the outside looking in... it seems that you don’t have any reason to.” 

Owen was deeply touched.

“Thank you…” he whispered. “Thank you for telling me…”

Tom gave him a reassuring look.

And then he got this Hang-on-I-have-to-think-about-something look on his face. 

Owen loved thinking-Tom. 

Watching Tom think always made Owen feel like a little kid at Christmas that couldn’t wait to see what was in the box. A quote? An adorable metaphor? 

“So… If you’re unhappy because you were happy…” Tom began. 

And Owen immediately loved how Tom had changed his voice to a more chatty and juvenile tone. 

“It’s sounds quite awful when I have to think that I am the one making you unhappy, so I’m going to reverse it: You being unhappy … does it mean that you like me… ” he gave Owen a challenging look. “…a little more… than a little?” 

Owen laughed. He shrugged his shoulders mockingly and showed a little space between his thumb and his index finger. “Yeah.. maybe a little more.”

But Tom didn’t seem to mind the mockery because he looked at Owen severely and said -  in his soft voice again -, “I can wait then.”

Owen didn’t know what to feel, he smiled a small smile but it came from deep in his heart and he hoped Tom would notice. 

“Thank you.”

Somehow he wished Tom would just grab him and kiss him. 

But it wouldn’t be Tom if he crossed the line. It wouldn’t be Tom if he didn’t respect him and his condition. 

And as much as Owen wished he would cross it, it showed him two things. 

One, that Tom was even more damn lovable. 

And two, that he himself was the one who needed to free himself out of there. Nobody else could. 

But he was determined to do it.  

He had to get better soon, if for no other reason than he could finally kiss Tom. His favorite Brit with his nonexistent lips. 

And now, now he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Tom. Held him close. And he was fucking glad that he could do it.  

“I’m sorry…” he whispered. 

“Don’t feel bad about it…,” Tom whispered back. “I want you to know that I don’t expect anything... And just as you are, you are good for me.” 

Tom’s word were soothing, his voice was soothing, Tom was soothing. Like he had been from the start.

“Thank you,” Owen said again and because he couldn’t resist, he added, “my little circus bear.”

Tom snorted. “Don’t! Just don’t!”

Owen grinned. “Yeah, I thought you are more of a pussycat anyway.”

And even he knew it would take some time before he felt right again, before he felt carefree again, he was fucking glad. 

That Tom had somehow turned this fucking sad situation in something lighter and beautiful. 

And that Tom had shown him a spark at the end of a hopefully not so long tunnel.

*

[spencstan]

Six of Crows re-read

(i also did this for the shadow and bone trilogy so read that if you want to)

spoiler alert obiously

i'm SO EXCITED FOR THIS this is my comfort book (with crooked kingdom of course)

JOOST HI

oo fun fact this was my first grishaverse book and i read it with no context whatsoever except that the mc is an emo boy and morally grey

so IMAGINE my pure confusion when JOOST appeared

i was like ?????? weird take on morally grey character but ok

joost trying to figure out how to flirt with a girl is a mood

anyone wanna teach us how to???

i kinda wanna skip this part so i can see the crows..

but i won't don't worry

(won't I?

"I think Yuri may be quarantined"

aaaand?

so are we you are not special

i feel like it's very important for me to mention that i read this book in spanish first

and then i got into the fandom and i was like who the fuck is the wraith? i only know El Espectro

Heartender who??? ooo you mean Cardio

Tidemakers? nope, i only know Maremotores

for real i was so confused i had to re-read it in english (not that i mind tho)

say whatever you want about the spanish version but we have to agree that this design is pretty af

another one yay: "Retvenko was a Squaller" vs. "Retvenk era un Impulsor"

(should i also say that in my pfd english version the book is 294 pages long and in my pdf spanish version its 532????) (i think it's because in the english one the speces are way less like the lines are so close together wtf

i've decided that i'm bored so i'll be skiping this chapter

anya is super badass tho

skdgfalsdgfliaysvfascvhjl yesssssss inej

Kaz Brekker didn't need a reason.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

KAZ

INEJ

I MISSED THEM

omg now i can picture amita and freddy SDJGKASKGLASG THIS IS AMAZING

we interrupt our regularly scheduled program to watch the shadow and bone trailer once again to hear freddy's beautiful voice

ok moving on!

now hear me out i'm giving you all permission to make fun of kaz for this one: Dirtyhands = Manos Sucias

hello i am Kaz Manos Sucias. nice to meet you!

AAAAA

AAAAAAAAAA

JESPER FAHEY

JESPER LOVE HI

SJDGHFKAHSGDLAJSDFSJ,AHFLHDSGF

I MISSED HIM OMG

OMG NOW I CAN PICTURE HIM AS KIT

can you tell jesper is one of my favourite characters?

i really love the fact that kaz is pissed about the murder of that ambassador ONLY because he can´t figure out how it happen

he´s such a nerd

i can't believe one of the firts things we hear jesper say is threathen to kill someone by writing "forgive me" with bullets

AND HE CALLS HIS GUNS "BABIES" OMG

picture saying hi baby and wylan thinkin he's talking to him but actually jesper's talking to one of his guns

Jesper rolled his eyes. "It's about sending a message. What's the point of a dead guy with forg written on his chest?."

"Compromise," Kaz said. "I'm sorry does the trick and uses fewer bullets."

ooo thank god we have kaz to come up with creative solutions /j /s

honestly i love how they talk about kaz's cane like it's the scariest weapon ever (which it kind of is)

nothing will ever disappoint me more than finding out that in english their gang name is "the Dregs". like i don't even know for sure what that means

in spanish is "Los Indeseables" (the undesirables?) which sounds a lot more badass

no hate tho i like the dregs

but i was confused af bc i expected it to be sometihng like "the undesirables" or"the unwanted" or whatever

and it said "the dregs"

which in the translator means something like shit or something

anways moving on:

If he'd (kaz) ever been a little boy

i love how lowkey all the crows think he was just born exactly like he is now

imagine a baby kaz all dressed in black and threatening people

cute

"No mourners," Jesper said as he tossed his rifle to Rotty

"No funerals," the rest of the Dregs murmured in reply. Among them, it passed for "good luck".

YES

YESSS

i wonder what wylan's doing right now :))

i can't wait for the next book where he has a pov

the first time i read this book i literally looked at the title of every chapter to see if he ever got one (i was disappointed to say the least :((((

Besides, she was the Wraith - the only law that applied to her was gravity, and some days she defied that, too.

ma'am

marry me please

i'm gonna cry so hard once the show is out and we get to see inej omg

me simp

That Kaz had chosen Jesper to be one of his seconds was no surprise. Twitchy as Jepser was, with or without his revolvers, he was at his best in a fight, and she knew he'd do anything for Kaz.

idk why but i just love it every time kaz implies or shows that he cares or trusts jesper

it makes me soft

But every one of Inej's senses told her that was not how this was going to play out. Her father would have said the shadows were about their business tonight. Something bad was going to happen here.

underrated saying from Inej's father right there

"I'm a business man," he told her."No more, no less"

"You're a thief, Kaz."

"Isn't that what I just said?"

i-

i see no lies here

not to be annoying but i hc jesper as adhd (i mean is pretty much as canon as wylan's dyslexia) so i'm gonna write here every time i see evidence :)

jesper with adhd part 1: impulsivity

Jesper snorted. "Stomach, spine. What's next, spleen?"

"Shut it" Oomen snarled. The rules of parley dictated that only the lieutenants could speak once negotiations had begun. Jesper mouthed "sorry" and elaboratedly pantomimed locking his lips shut.

he know he couldn't speak but couldn't stop himself from making a comment (i relate way too much to that lmao)

hoestly poor jesper he had to watch hid friend get shot and kaz do nothing about it

i would've been mad too

"I like it when men beg," she said. "But this isn't the time for it"

KAHGFAHLGSFGASFLGSAFS

this is one of the best quotes in the book by far

YASSS KAZ POV

Kaz could have tol Jesper that he knew he wasn't dirty, reminded him that he'd trusted him eough to make him his only real second in a fight that could have gone badly wrong tonight.

cute

but kaz is petty af

he didn't even have a reason not to tell jesper that!

i love that kaz knows inej is following him but doesn't say anything because he wants to wait until she's ready

i LOVE the scene where kaz in in the van eck mantion /srs

idk why but it's so good

And, of course, there was the mystery of Van Eck's son.

wonder what that could be!!! /s

He grinned at her (...)

"Hmm." she said noncommittally, pretending to examine one of her knives, determined to ignore that grin.

KANEJ YESS

HE'S BASICALLY SHOWERING IN FRONT OF HER OMG

this is so funny poor inej is getting flustered

"And I'll need Wylan waiting at the Crow Club tomorrow night."

YES WYLAN OMG

One minute he made her blush and the next he made her want to commit murder

happens to the best of us :/

"Please, my darling Inej. treasure of my heart won't you do me the honor of acquiring me a new hat?"

if kaz doesn't say this on the show we riot

agreed?

it's so amazing how nina found a way to use her powers to get money instead of having to like steal and murder like the rest in the gang

NINA'S POV YESSS HIII

nina and inej omg

their friendship is just perfect

POOR MATTHIAS HE HAS TO FIGHT THE WOLVES

i would straight up cry

Matthias was dreaming again. Dreaming of her

i'm gonna cry damn it

this is the enemies-to-lovers we all needed

jesper has adhd part 2:

"Jesper was supposed to wait until three bells." said the pale boy

"It is three bells, Kaz." replied a small girl (...)

"Since when is Jesper punctual?" the boy complained with a glance at his watch

the time blindness come one

(btw i love the fact that kaz plans around jesper's time blindness instead of like threatening him to be on time)

i really love how every one feels the need to take the time to say/think that the masks are ugly

its so unnecessary lmao

yessss inej is a badass that kills monster we stan

and matthias is lowkey impressed lmao

as he should

"Thank you, Jesper," said Nina

"You're very welcome, gorgeous. See, Kaz? That's how the civilised folk do"

THESE TWO OMG

JESPER IS THE LOML

INEJ OMG LOOK:

She stepped aside as if she's known he was coming, languidly hooking her heel behind his ankle. Matthias let out a loud grunt as he landed on the stones

(...) "Clumsy, this one," the bronze girl said impassively.

i-

that's what happen when you underestimate her bitch

AAAAAAA

PEOPLE

PEOPLE

TIME TO FREAK OUT

WYLAN IS HERE

AND HE'S DOODLING STOP IT'S SO CUTE

ok jesper has adhd part 3 i think:

"Just how crazy is he?" asked Jesper, fingers drumming on the pearl handles of his revolvers.

ok first of all: stimming

second of all: hyperactivity

i rest my case

ok 2 or 3 things here

"I believe you know Nina," Brekker continued. "The lovely girl freeing you is Inej. (...) and this is Wylan, the best demolitions expert in the Barrel"

"Raske is better," Inej said

The boy looked up, ruddy gold hair flopping in his eyes, and spoke for the first time. "He's not better. He's reckless"

"He knows his trade"

"So do I"

ok 1: kaz calling inej lovely omg kanej

2: YES WYLAN STANDING UP FOR HIMSELF

2.5: kaz calling him the best cute af

3: honestly why do people think wylan is like an innocent soft boy or whatever. he's in a room full of murderers and thieves and the first thing he does is correct them and stand up for himself

like i wish i could do that

i would be crying like a bitch

AAAAAAAA

"Meet Wylan Van Eck"

KHDSGFALSGFIASGFAL

HI WYLAN BABY

YESSS JESPER'S POV NOW

I'M SO HAPPY also look at this it's the first thing in his pov

Jesper stared at Wylan

do i sense some wesper?????

ok everyone is being so mean to him right now

they are aclling him useless and an idiot and other shit

poor boy honestly he had to deal with this + taking part of a heist he is definetly not ready for + he has to hide the fact that he can't write or read

it so distrubing that kaz is literally the nicest one to wylan right now

"See that? Hidden depths." (...)"He's good enough at demo, and he's got a fine hand for sketching, thanks to all those pricey tutors."

(...)

"There you have it," Kaz said to Jesper. "Marketable skills. Wylan is watching you, Helvar"

GET READY

ARE Y'ALL READY?

OK THEN:

"Scheming face," Jesper whispered to Inej.

She nodded. "Definetly."

THEIR FRIENDSHIP OMG

AND THIS QUOTE

I NEED IT ON THE SHOW THEY BETTER GIVE IT TO US

"Who's Mark" damn wylan (but pretty good comeback to jesper tho)

"What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?

"Knife to the throat?" asked Inej.

"Gun to the back?" said Jesper.

"Poison in his cup?" suggested Nina.

"You're all horrible," said Matthias.

tag yourself i'm jesper

KJSFGAL kaz just told wylan to tell him everything he know about his dad's company

and he said he doesn't know and kaz was like "and you never looked trough his documents????

AND THEN HE GOT SAD AND SAID HE HADN'T (and kaz believed him this is sad)

AND NOW JESPER CALLED HIIM USELESS

ok you know i love you jes but if you keep this up

idk i can't do anything you're a sharpshooter

but stiiiiiil

LMAO MATTHIAS ACTUALLY THOUGHT HE COULD BEAT KAZ

nice try

demjin

*insert spongebob voice* demjin

WE'RE GONNA TAKE A MOMENT NOW TO APPRECIATE INEJ GAHFA

BECAUSE KAZ DOESN'T

The heart is an arrow. It demands aim to land true.

*ugly crying*

Many boys will bring you flowers. But some day you'll meet a boy who will learn your favourite flower, your favourite song, your favourite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.

*uglier crying*

TANTE HELLEN IF YOU DON'T GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

SOMEONE PLEASE STAB HER FOR ME

jesper has adhd part ?? (i have dyscalculia you can't expect me to remember the number):

That sound - the swift, shocking report of gunfire - called the scattered, irascible, permanently seeking part of his mind into focus like nothing else.

do i really need to explain this?

ok just in case.. an adhd brain doesn't actually have a deficit of attention(the name just sucks) it's problem with controling that attention. the brain is always looking for new sources of dopamine which is why it shifts its focus so much

i love that jes thinks of matthias as "tha giant"

like sir

have you seen yourself?

you're tall af

HE GOT SHOT

WHY DID I FORGET JESPER GETS SHOT IN THE LEG HERE

"Close your eyes!"

"You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan"

"Just do it!"

i love the energy BUT NOW IT'S NOT THE TIME JES

YESS WYLAN SHOW THEM THEY WERE WRONG CALLING YOU USELESS

inej just stabed some guy int the d

good for her!

KAZ YESSSS HI

AWWW SHE'S WORRIED HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS CANE

KANEJ FOR LIFE

oh no wylan got shot too???? (just barely but stilllll por baby)

my Wraith omggg

ok 3 things about this:

Without another word, he tipped Oomen into the sea.

"No!" Wylan shouted, leaning over the railing, his face pale, stunned eyes tracking Oomen in the waves. (...)

Jesper set his hand on Wylan's shoulder. "Let it go."

"It's not right-"

"Wylan," Jesper said, giving him a little shake."Maybe your tutors didn't cover this lesson, but you do not argue with a man covered in blook and a knife up his sleeve"

1. wesper yasssss

2. wylan just argued with a mant hat had just tacken the eye out of someone. he literally called him out for being an asshole. like damn wylan is brave af i love him

3. do you think seeing kaz trow the guy out of the boat reminded wylan of when the same thing happened to him???? this makes me sad

he's brave and a good person and i just-

"Man with a knife, remember?" he said over his shoulder.

"Man with a gun!" Jesper called after him

this had no right being so funny

AND THEN KAZ GAVE HIM THE MIDDLE FINGER STOP I CAN'T

nina is the biggest kanej shiper no one can tell me i'm wrong

unrelated but if jesper had gone to the Little Palace and had studied there with nina they 100% would've had a crush on Zoya and bonded over it

like you can't tell me those two bisexual disaster wouldn't be absolutely in love with Zoya

jesper has adhd part ??:

Jesper scrubbed the back of his neck, touched his hands to his gunds, returned to his neck. He always seemed to be in motions

hyperactivity right there

and restlessness

"Do you know the best way to find Grisha who don't want to be found?" (...)

"Seems to be if they don't want to be found, you should just let them be" (jesper says this)

this conversation must be so stressful to him omg

LMAO JESPER CUT MATTHIAS HAIR THIS IS SO FUNNY

AND HE SHAVED HIM

ok you all know i love all of them but they can be sooo stupid

like wylan wrote no names on the drawing and he's excuse is that he doesn't know fjerdan?

AND THAT'S NOT EVEN TRUE he literally said he learned school fjerdan which means he should know how to write it too (we know why he can't but the tohers don't)

and even then like the excuse doesn't make any sense. why would having the original name be usefull if no one can fucking read it????

the worst part tho? NO ONE QUESTIONED HIM

THEY WERE LIKE "yup makes sense" AND WENT ON WITH THEIR DAY

i wondered how they didn't figure wylan's secret sooner but now i now

it's because theya re idiots

"I'm just doing my job. Stop glaring at me"

wylan baby let's not make the gigant mad

Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. "Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost."

Brekker's lips quirked. "I'll just hire Matthias ghost to kick your ghost's ass."

"My ghost won't associate with your ghost," Matthias said primply, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.

i had to put this here i don't want to get murdered by the fandom

jesper, inej and nina have the BEST friendship

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE JES AND INEJ TOGETHER ON NETFLIX

"I know some people don't understand, but Kaz told me ... he said it was my choice, that he wouldn't be the one to mark me again."

i love this because it happen when they had just met

he did it because he understands her trauma and he respects her not because he loves her (i doubt he did at the time)

Kaz had been impressed with the sketches. (...)

"Just learn to take a compliment. Kaz doesn't hand them out often."

I'M SO PROUD OF WYLAN

and yess kaz only compliments wylan (and inej but that's sarcastic so it doesn't count) because he's a proud dad

"And you don't belong here, either."

"I beg your pardon, merchiling?"

"We don't need a sharpshooter for Kaz's plan, so what's your job - other than stalking around making everyone angsty?"

He shrugged. "Kaz trusts me."

Wylan snorted and picked up his pen. "Sure about that?"

DAMN WYLAN DESTROYED HIM

also

"If you aren't born with every advantage, you learn to take your chances."

"I wasn't-" Wylan left off and set down his pen. (...)

aww cute neurodivergent boyfriends bonding

Wylan had turned back to his work, his disappointment obvious. For some reason, Jesper felt disappointed, too.

ajgflasjgfjagslfiuusgflgdfsgdflasdgfsd

wesper

aww jes checks on inej every morning and every night i love him

"Thank you for keeping me in this world when fate seemed determined to drag me to the next. I owe you a life debt."

Nina blushed deeply. "I was teasing, Inej"

LJFGALKGFALGA another cute friendship right there

(and i can see why people ship them romantically)

STOP INEJ AND JES ARE BONDING SO MUCH (page 127 so i can go back and read it lmao)

Van Eck writes to Wylan every week, and Wylan doesn't even open the letters

"They just said the same thing again and again: If you're reading this, the you know how much I wish to have you home. Or I pray that you read these words and think of all you've left behind."

should i kill him? anyone want to join me?

Inej bumped her shoulder against his."Then at least we're both the same kind of stupid." (...)

"You're too good for him, you know?"

"I know. So are you"

jes and her bonding over their stupid crush on a white boy

Because I've been looking for an excuse to talk to you for two days.

jfsfdajdhmgkfutdjrgsg ok i can't blame them for having a crush on him anymore

this chapter is full of kanej i love it

"What do you want, then"

You, Inej. You forever.

jksdgfoagsdfgsdgfklasgdflaghsldfgksdgfkahgsdfghjlkf

kaz's backstory makes me sad

"When we get our money, you can burn kruge to keep you warm," said Kaz. (...)

"I´m gonna pay someone to burn my kruge for me."

Kaz fell into step beside him. "Why don't you pay someone else to pay someone to burn your kruge for you? That's what big players do."

"You know what the really big bosses do? They pay someone to pay someone ...". Their voices trailed off as they tomped ahead, and Matthias and the others followed.

JES AND KAZ HAVE THE BEST CONVERSATIONS

i can't believe we get to see nina and matthias meet and their whole backstory in less than a month omg

"It's not natural for women to fight."

"It's not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall, and yet there you stand."

QUEEN

YOU TELL HIM

oh no the dead grisha

this part breaks my heart every time

"Do you have a different name for killing when you wear a uniform to do it?"

.....i'm just gonna leave this quote right here

anyways acab

stop nina tried to kill the survivor so they wouldn't suffer but she couldn't do it

and jesper did it for her without hesitation i wanna cry

and inej didn't want to do it either i want to hug them

"Because our crime is existing. Our crime is what we are"

..........

i'm gonna leave this here again

do with it what you will

"Don't mock what you don't understand."

"My mockery offends you? My people would welcome you laughter in place of this barbarity"

i- this conversation is so important

AAAAA JES AND WY ARE A GREAT TEAM I LOVE THEM

WYLAN TROWS BOMBS TOGIVE JESPER TIME TO GET READY TO SHOOT

INEJ AND KAZ ARE A GREAT TEAM TOO

THEY LITERALLY DID THE SCENE LIKE IN THE AVENGERS (but without the shield WHICH MAKES IT BETTER)

Jesper shouldered his rifle. "Wylan earned his keep."

Wylan gave a little jump at the sound of his name. "I did?"

YES BABY YOU DID GREAT

kaz getting self-conscious for his hair is pure comedy

but nina how can you say that have you see his hair on the show???? it's perfect

"Remeber our friend Mark?"

HELP I CAN'T

"Any other impossible feats you'd like us to accomplish?"

The bearest smile flikered over Kaz's lips. "I'll make you a list."

once again jesper and kaz being besties

unrelated but nikolai and jesper would love each other

the amount of sass they have between them it's unparalleled

"Mmm," Inej murmured, taking a sip from her mug. "Maybe you're just not enough."

DAMN

ma'am marry me please

kaz fainted damn poor boy

unrelated unce again but this is so much betetr than shadow and bone

like you can tell leigh improved so much

her characters are better and their arcs are better developed

the writing itself it's better

or maybe i'm just biased because i love soc so much but i think she definetly improved

INEJ IS TRYING TO GIVE HIM SPACE EVEN WHEN SHE'S TRAPPED AND LOCKED ON THE WAGON

I JUST - THEY KNOW EACH OTHER SO MUCH

Though he'd trusted her with his life countless times, it felt much more frightening to trust her with his shame.

Inej had once offered to teach him how to fall. "The trick is not getting knocked down," he'd told her with a laugh. "No, Kaz," she's said, "the trick is in getting back up"

inej is smart af

Kaz was usually unshakeable during a job, but now he was on edge, and Jesper didn't know why. Part of him wanted to ask, though he knew that was the stupid part, the hopeful farmboy who picked the worst possible person to care about, who searched for signs in things that he knew deep down meant nothing - when kaz chose him for a job, when Kaz played along with one of his jokes. He could have kicked himself. He's finally seen the infamous Kaz Brekker without a stich of clothing, and he'd been too worried about ending up on a pike to pay proper attention.

ok i got a couple of things to say about this part

first of all it makes me so sad that jes cares so much for someone who dosn't deserve him. because no hate to kaz but they would never work as a couple and kaz already treats him like shit most of the time

i think this part shows who a lot about who jesper really is. a boy that grew up having to hide parts of himself, who thinks he's worth nothing but it's smart and capable, who's loyal and brave and caring but doesn't even know it himself. he's someone who feels he doesn't deserve good things and thinks he's not good enough, and that's why he unds up in all the wrong places with the wrong people. he left uni bc he fell in with the gangs, because he didn't think he was smart enough or even prepared to be in studying in the university. jesper is constantly hiding behind a mask or running from things because he's scared of not being enough

an kaz is everything jes in a way wishes he could be. kaz is secure in himself (at least on the outside), he's stable, he's smart, he's "unshakeable". and most of all, he doesn't care about others (we know that's not true but that's how he presents himself)

and that's the thing that causes jesper all his problems. because he's insecure because he thinks he's not good enough for the poeple or things he cares about. and he's always trying to do what's best for his loved ones: he went to the ice court to pay his debt for his father, he follows kaz everywhere beacause he cares about him, he offered to read to wylan (knowing it wouldn't be easy for him to be still that long).

and yeah it often doesn't work out becuase he's messy and he has problems but he tries. and he hates that. he hates that he cares so much about people because at the end of the day, that's what makes him feel like he's not good enough

one more thing and i'm done i promise

unpopular opinion but i love that leigh made jesper have a crush on kaz. 1 beacuse it's refreshing to see someone not get otgether with his first crush. and 2 because i love that it shows that we sometimes get attached to people that are not good for us, but that we can learn to move on. jesper ended with wylan who respects him and values him, unlike kaz

ok i'm sorry that was probably all bs

oo one more thing, jesper definetly has rsd (rejection sensitive disphoria), which is something most poeple with adhd have

"My father used to take me everywhere with him"

this is so sad. bc they probably had a good relationship when he was little. and then they figured he coudln't read and now his father treats him like shit

it's even worse than if he haf been horrible from the beginning because wylan knows he can be a good father. and so he thinks it's his fault and he deserves to be treated like that. i hate van eck

"You're cuter when you're smart"

(...)

"Definitely cuter when you're smart"

wesper yesssss

i love them so much

ok but why do people think jesper is stupid. like the boy just made a bunch of criminals pass out by mixing some chemicals

and he was going to the university at like 15

AAAAND NOW THEY KNOW HE'S A FABRIKATOR

amazing plot twist

also:

Wylan coughed. Flirting with him might actually be more fun that annoying him, but it was a close call.

oooo come on jesper we all know you just love getitng him to blush

and you love him

who said that? definitely not me, nope

awwww jesper misses being around animals that's cute

imagine him coming home to wylan one day with a puppy because he just couldn't resist

cute

Better terrible truths than kind lies

just leaving here more of inej's wisdom

ok this may be a reach but jesper has adhd part ???

Yellow Protocol? Red Protocol? He couldn't remember which was which. (...)

"The alarm was Yellow Protocol, a sector disturbance."

Jesper pushed at his temples. "I don't remember what that means"

a bad working memory? sounds familiar

kaz loves puzzles

it's canon

"I love puzzles. Trickery is just my native tongue."

this part where wylan and jesper see the banner made with grisha's kefta kills me every time

I would have worn purple, Jesper thought, if I'd joined the Second Army. (...) He'd beenwilling, even eager to risk capture and execution as a thief and hired gun. Why was it worse to think about being hunted as a Grisha?

this makes me want to cry so much

another thing super sad: the fact that since his father is Kaelish and had some supersititons towards grisha, jesper grew up wondering if his own father was scared of him. he had to hide his powers and he was almost taught to be afraid of them

"Is it safe to leave them, you know-"

"Alive? I'm not big on killing unconscious men."

"We could wake them up"

WYLAN

NO

damn the boy needs therapy

it's amazing how nothing went like they planned

not a single thing

PEOPLE GET READY

ARE YOU READY?

NEITHER AM I BUT WHO CARES

"What do you like?"

"Music. Numbers. Equations. They are not like words. They...they don't get mixed up."

ok dude the clues are right there he's basically saying it

"If only you could talk to girls in equations."

There was a long silence, and then, eyes trained on the notch they'd created in the link, Wylan said, "Just girls?"

Jesper restrained a grin. "No. Not just girls." It really was a shame they were all probably going to die tonight.

wylan really said a straight man?? couldn't be me

this is the definition of bi panic "jesper restrained a grin" bitch we saw that

btw i love the slow burn

like they hint something here but they don't actually start liking each other until much later and they don't get together until almost the end of ck

i also love that the fact that they both like guys is like out in the open now. bc i'm not a fan of when queer characters have a crush and there's the whole thing of "are they queer too or not?"

like they both know htey are queer. but they don't get together right away bc they have to start liking each other before. they don't get together bc they are the only queer mlm characters

matthias fake betrayal killed me

i tought it was real

I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept fom this oath.

this is just-

also foreshadowing?

YAYY KUWEI HI

There was no part of him that was not broken, that had not healed wrong, and there was no part of him that was not stronger for having been broken.

She's laughed, and if he could have bottled the sound and got drunk on it every night, he would have. It terrified him.

if i ever have a s/o and they don't tell me this at least once i don't want it

He needed to tell her... what? That she was lovely and brave and better than anything he deserved. That he was twisted, crooked, wrong, but not so broken that he couldn't pull himslef together into some smeblance of a man for her

THIS

THIS IS LOVE RIGHT THERE

they are the only straight couple that matters

everyone else go home

Wylan had scratches all over his cheeks and neck. He was beaming. Inej grabbed his hands and sqeezed.

so cute omg

"You can explain why our illustrious Shu scientist looks like one of Wylan's school pals along the way"

KAZ

i mean it's true but you didn't have to say it

KAZ IS SMILING OMG

EVERYONE FREAK OUT WITH ME

HE'S "grinning like and idiot" STOP I LOVE HIM

"We are all someone's mosnter, Nina"

"I will have you without armour, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all"

this part breaks my heart and i love it

"Stay," she oanted. Tears leaked from her eyes. "Stay till the end"

"And after," he said. "And always."

i just- helnik is perfect

AWWW JESPER MISSES WYLAN

my daily dosis of wesper :)

ok but in like 2 pages jesper tought of wylan like 10 times bc he's sad wy isn't with him

Jesper scanned the empty deck. He's assumed Wylan would come up to see them off. (...)

Jesper knew he was being selfish and stupid, but some petty part of him wondered if Wylan had deliberately kept away from him on the journey back. Maybe now that the job was complete and he was on his way to his share of the haul, Wylan was done slumming with criminals.

*charles boyle's insinuating voice* and why do you care so much???

btw YOU ARE WRONG. HE'S LITERALLY GOING OUT OF HIS WAY TO BE WITH YOU EVEN THOUGH HE CAN'T SPEAK

this scene where we find out the truth about wylan hurts so much but it's one of my favourites idk why

I LOVE THAT EVERYONE IS AS MAD AS I AM ABOUT THE LETTERS NOW

"Your're a fool," Jesper snarled. "He smarter than most of us put together, and he deserves a better father than you."

YES TELL HIM

the fact that wylan just heard him say that omg

"Deserved" amended Van Eck. He blew the whislte twice.

SOMEONE BETTER GRAB ME BEFORE I KILL HIM MYSLEF

THAT IDIOT

I HATE HIM SO MUCH

I'M GONNA CRY CAN SOMEONE KILL HIM FOR ME

Jesper screamed in rage and raised his guns.

YES EXACLTY WHAT I MEANT

JUST KILL HIM RIGHT NOW

"I'm not big on bludding, am I Inej?"

"Not as a rule"

Van Eck's lip curled. "And why is that?"

"Because he'd rather cheat," said the boy who was not Kuwei Yul-Bo in perfect, unaccented Kerch.

THIS WAS PERFECT

THE BEST WAY TO REVEAL THAT

(...), and Jesper flinched

baby he recognized wylan's voice

The Shu boy held out a hand. "Pay up, Kaz"

BITCH THIS IS AMAZING

THIS BOY MADE A BET WITH A CRIMINAL THAT HIS OWN FATHER WAS GOING TO TRY TO KILL HIM

AND HE WON THE BET

A nearly perfect replica of Kuwei Yul-Bo stood before them, but he had Wylan's voice, his mannerisms, and - though Kaz could see the fear and hurt in his golden eyes - Wylan's surprising courage, too.

i love it when they compliment him

my boy deserves all the compliments ever

AND KAZ IS PROUD OF HIS SON WE ALL KNOW THIS

Wylan cuold draw a perfectt elevation. He's made a drill that could cut throu Grisha glass from parts of a gate and scavenged bits of jewellery. So what if he couldn't read

this is taking me to some real places

i may cry you've been warned

WYLAN DIDN'T CARE THAT HE MAY BE STUCKED LOOKING LIKE KUWEI

this is making me cry

"A fool would have been waiting to be smashed to bits on that ship. And as for "traitor", you've called me worse in the last few minutes alone."

EXACTLY

YOU TELL HIM WYLAN

Instead, in that moment of threat, when he should have thought only of the fight, he looked at Inej.

BABY

i would've done the same tho she's pretty

amita is sooo pretty i'm gonna die when the show comes out

Jesper was staring at Wylan, his eyes roving over the black hair, the golden eyes. "Why?" he said at last. "Why would you do this?"

nothing to say here except: wesper

You... how many times was it you standing beside me on the deck at night when I tought it was Kuwei?"

"Every time."

i want to cry so bad

"Why does it matter?"

"I don't know!" Jesper said angrily. "Maybe I liked your stupid face."

a very staright and platonic thing to say of course

i know jes we all liked his stupid face

"Jesper made a mistake," said Wylan. "A stupid mistake, but he didn't set out to betray anyone."

YES WYLAN DEFEND YOUR BOYFRIEND

And maybe he'd kept him in the dark about Wyllan because he wanted to punish him a little

even kaz know they like each other come on

Jesper sat with elbows on knees, head in hands. Wylan deside him wearing th face of a stranger.

wylan give him a hug fro me please

he needs it

"Scheming face," murmured Jesper.

"Definitely," agreed Wylan.

i miss inej already

And I'm going to get my girl. Inej could never be his, not really, but he would find a way to give her the freedom he´d promised her so long ago.

i'm ugly crying and so what?

and now we're done....

i want to read this book again omg this is unhealthy

[z-1-wolfe]

Parhelion Headcanons (sir this is all for you) @greenbeany

Putting 'em under the cut because they got very long O.O

I- the gnome is Neon I take no criticism. They are often good-natured souls with a more mischievous side, and if that doesn’t describe Neon I’m not sure what does. Playful, funny, good intentions, that my good Bean is our lovable cat personified. Okay Parhelion dnd au with gnome Neon please /j.

I AM SMACKING THE GUN OUT OF YOUR HANDS [runs into a glass wall] dammit,, guess I gotta talk now

I- oh no,, time to fail the exam I guess (turns all your head canons upside down)

Okay they do sleep yes they do. Actually that’s a lie only Ciel sleeps, the other two are insomniacs. Ciel has all of her day to day life planned out to the minute, so she heads to bed at a certain time and wakes up at a certain time, the other two are more of a “we’ll sleep when we’re tired” kinda duo. Unfortunately due to Ilia’s night terrors and Neon’s ADHD they almost never rest. No they do not sleep in a SANE bed, ha why would they have a bed? They sleep in a hammock all tangled up with each other. It’s hard to tell what order they sleep in when they kinda curl into each other. They do not use a duvet, why have a duvet when Neon is a space heater? There are no pillows on the hammock X). OKAY THEIR ROOM, THIS I GOT, it’s a funky mess that is somehow organized thanks to Ciel. Ilia doesn’t own a lot in general but it was her life’s dream to paint her bedroom rainbow so guess what they have now. The other two are too soft and they supported her efforts and they love her despite her poor design sense XD.

I- why closet ASDFG I mean— No they do not share a closet they all have completely different fashion sense and if that was all in one place people would be genuinely terrified. But since they’re broke they had to make do with one walk in closet that they partitioned off into sections. YES THEY DO HAVE MATCHING OUTFITS THEY ARE SO CUTE LIKE THAT. They tend to be like those cute couple outfits with a few variations to match their own personal style. But their favorite matching outfit are these duck hoodies they own courtesy of once again Ilia living out her childhood dreams. No they don’t own many outfits because like I mentioned earlier they are broke x). Hmm thinking about each other’s styles… Ilia think both of her girlfriends have great taste, she loves the well, neon of Neon, and the prim and properness of Ciel. Neon just doesn’t care XD. And Ciel is just, she’s just standing there wishing she could help their fashion sense, but she holds back because “It does suit them in an odd way.” Ciel gets the most compliments on her style hands down, she looks organized and you can bet she saves money to buy outfits that actually accentuate her cuteness. They don’t wear makeup no time for that (in which you learn Z has little to no knowledge in how to apply makeup and doesn’t know how to answer that question)

OH OKAY I LOVE VIDDY GAMES. Ciel likes real-time strategy games because she’s insane and that’s literally all she knows in life thanks to being raised in an upper class family in Atlas. Neon likes open world games, something something she likes the chance for adventure and determining one’s fate for themself. Ilia has never once played a video game until after she defected from the White Fang but I can see her playing something light like Stardew Valley, low stakes kinda games. Hmm, they might play Animal Crossing together? Since it has aspects they all enjoy. They each have an individual switch (Ilia has a coral switch lite) and one shared PC. Okay game with most hours, maybe Minecraft? They still haven’t beat the enderdragon because Neon keeps getting distracted XD. Neon is the bomb at party games though, you can bet she has a perfect score on all the songs in Just Dance. Ciel is a sharpshooter, god knows who taught her how to shoot like that. The biggest splatoon fan is unfortunately not Neon it is Ilia, she loves all the colors in the game ^^. But she and Neon have wracked up quite a few hours in co-op.

Uhhh books!! Ilia likes fanfics :) it’s unfortunately one of the only ways for her to see positive representation of herself. Neon for some reason reads Epics?? Like her favorite is the Epic of Gilgamesh what is up with that?? Ciel reads webtoons :), she reads enough serious stuff for school work and such, she likes to just kick back and relax after all that. Yes they have schedules reading time courtesy of Ciel :). Uhh, they relax by baking together. None of them had many chances to indulge in sweets while growing up so they make full use of their time now. ?? SPOON?? Cuddle hours happen on a whim, the one thing that Ciel can never schedule because she never knows when it’ll occur. They relax the most in the kitchen x) because that’s where they bake, it’s not unusual to find Neon asleep on the counter while she waits for their sweets to rise. They read in the light, Neon is afraid that by reading in the dark that they’ll all ruin their eyesight. Ciel likes the sunrise because she’s up the earliest and is the only one to see it, the other two prefer sunset because that’s usually when their day is about to begin XD.

Favorite spot for dates! The park ^^, they like to go on picnic dates with all their baked goods. There is no plan, usually one of them will randomly pull the other two out of the house because they haven’t touched grass in a while XD. There are no ideas, they share one braincell and they spend too much time doting on each other to use it. Uhm favorite movie genre,,, they like comedy movies :). Their favorite place to eat is this tiny store on the corner of their street that makes mean gyros, they heccin’ love them. Coping with horror, Ilia is desensitized to horror because of the things she’s seen in life, Neon treats it like a game because she knows it’s not real, Ciel, is okay with it, but she gets shook more easily than the other two and they often have to reassure her. No they do not like theme parks, there are too many people around for Ilia and Ciel and Neon respects their boundaries so they tend to go to more quiet places. Uhm heights, Ciel is used to heights because she’s friends with Penny and woah can that girl toss her in the air like she’s a couple of grapes. Ilia doesn’t mind heights but she would prefer to have her feet on the ground. Neon loves the ground so damn much if it leaves her she will cry because man she can’t roller-skate in the air can she, what will she do if the ground is suddenly gone? They like evening dates because it’s normally the only time all three of them are awake enough for it XD. They end a night by sleeping I am not quite sure if there are other ways to end it lmao. They absolutely despise Neon’s roller skating dates but they love how excited she gets about them so they end up becoming as good as professional roller skaters because the smile on Neon’s face when they join her is dazzling.

I am slowly going insane. Yes each girl has a hobby I sure hope they do. Ilia knits, Ciel paints, and Neon writes. I would like to imagine that Ciel would try to schedule time for their hobbies she ends up giving up because all their sleep schedules are wack. Designated chef is Neon (probably made food for FNKI back in atlas), designated driver is Ilia (I mean I like to imagine she stole cars and stuff in the White Fang XD), designated decorator for stuff is normally Ciel though Neon does try to hijack a few of her plans occasionally, designated shopper is Ciel because the other two have no concept of Saving money, and they all work together to clean :). They don’t work together, they believe in keeping their work life and home life separate to prevent their feelings from getting in the way. They do not have pets, none of them have the energy or responsibility to do that, but Ilia did once bring a moose home one day for some reason.

I am nomming on your arm sir. Ilia and Neon get along with Penny surprisingly well, though I do think Ilia would get along with Weiss better? Ruby and Weiss look at Ciel and see a beacon arc Weiss and more or less adopt her despite Ciel being older than the two of them. They might like.. play board games together? Like some of those more team based board games I can’t think of anything off the top of my head, may the best polycule win. I cannot see them in a cuddle puddle to be honest ajcnjsanjs I am so sorry— hmm Ruby and Neon do not know the meaning of formal, as far as they are concerned these are their girlfriend’s friends and that means that by extension these are their friends. Weiss would like nothing to do with Neon after Neon insults Yang during the Vytal festival but she begrudgingly goes on outings with her and hey, now they’re make up buddies for some reason. The parhelion gals take the fs gals to the gyro place they like :). Parhelion gang Is a lot more vocal on their dates because their love language happens to be words of affirmation while the fs gang’s happen to be physical touch. Both polycules are very very affectionate though I will die on this hill.

DARN IT TUMBLR ONLY LETS ME HAVE 10 IMAGES PER POST THIS IS FINE IT WAS JUST ONE MORE PROMPT DARN IT

(Parhelion angst! How do Neon and Ciel react to the news about the dust mine? How do they find out about Ilia getting expelled? Do they find out about the white fang? Is there any faunus stigma afterwards? How does Ciel react to people bullying her Faunus GFS? Does Neon talk to Ciel much after? Do they ever reunite? Does Neon attempt to help Ciel while she grieves Penny? Where the fuck is Ciel now? Is Neon still alive? Does Ilia ever think about them? Does Blake know about them from Ilia?)

BUDDY I CAME TO THE LAST ASK AND NOW ONLY DID I REALIZE YOU MEANT PARHELION BACK WHEN THEY WHERE IN BEACON THIS WHOLE TIME I’M CRYING. (This ask is answered under the assumption that they are already dating back in Atlas Academy) Ciel is fiercely protective of her girlfriends, though people only know that Neon is a Faunus because Ilia masks her traits during her time at the academy. Neon and Ciel are horrified about the news about the dust mines. They know that Ilia is a Faunus and that her parents were working there so they rush to see her as soon as possible. But they’re too late,,, Ilia’s already been expelled for attacking her fellow students. They don’t hear from Ilia for a few years after that and the two slowly drift apart, each blaming the other for not getting to Ilia soon enough. They don’t find out about the White Fang until they reunite with Ilia unfortunately, but they feel sad that Ilia had felt that they only way for her to get revenge for her parents was by joining a militant group (I’m working under the assumption that Sienna only took control of the White Fang shortly before Ilia joined). When Neon learns that Penny didn’t make it after the Fall of Beacon she hesitantly reaches out to Ciel for the first time in a year, and she does try to help. But for Ciel it’s blow after heccin’ blow and she pushes Neon away in a rage. Ciel leaves the Academy after that and goes rogue, working as a huntsman without a license for the poorer parts of remnant. Ilia is unaware of all this drama during the Beacon arc. The next time she hears of any news is during the Fall of Atlas, and she’s scared, scared because she’s still recovering and she just heard Ruby announce to the world that Remnant is under attack, and oh my gosh her ex girlfriends live in Atlas. Neon makes it out alive, though not entirely in one piece, she now has a prosthetic leg. Ilia is the first person to see her, it’s a tearful reunion and they haven’t fully made up yet, but hey it’s a work in progress, now they just have to find out where Ciel is, but when they do they’ll BOTH be there to greet her. Blake has no idea who the fuck Ciel and Neon are lmao, Ilia never told her anything about her past romances when she was in the White Fang.

Oh gosh I think that's it-- And that is it thank you for listening to me ramble about Parhelion you get a juice box for making it this far. Sir I am sincerely sorry for turning your ship upside down please forgive me.

[calehenituseappreciation]

i hc wilbur made tommy president because he planned to go and press the button while tommy spoke and kill him along with himself

wilbur wanted end all his unfinished symphonies and as the person who raised tommy- he raised him like he raised l'manberg. he doesnt care for fundy- not since he denounced him- so he wanted to end him :)

i need a fic where tommy is the one who goes to stop wilbur and wilbur fucking stabs him before pressing the button saying "it was never meant to be" tommy loses both first and last lives to that phrase

tommys last words are it was always meant to be fucking wilbur survives the explosion and has no one to kill him and now he has to live with the consqunces tommy becomes toast- short for ghost tommy i refuse to write so many letters each time- and immeditly looks for his older brothers and he finds wilbur first :) wilbur is exiled for his crimes and also out of fear- they tried to rehabilate him! they really did but then he freaked out over seeing toast... in a bad way.... and he and toast burned georges house on toast suggest (maybe we should burn something! that always helps me calm down!) this is after wilbur is trusted enough to be not... in a prison... after phil convinced them he needs help and toast tries his best ok- (WHO LEFT WILBUR WITH TOAST!) (I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME! I WAS ONLY LEAVING FOR FIVE MINUTES! AND RANBOO WAS THERE TOO!) and toast tries to go with but everyone is like "yeah no" and toast is like "whhhhyyy i just wanna stay with wilby!" and everytime anyone tries to tell tommy about the wrongs that have happened to him he screams and clutches his head in pain and everytime he comes back he doesnt remember the convo toast,,, is the most BABY toast calls everyone cutesy nicknames unironcially he calls eret rere toast, chriping happily: TECHIE!!!! tubbo: TOMMY STAY AWAY FROM HIM! toast, in a very lost and confused voice: why? techno, freaking out: tommy? toast: hi!!!!!!! im toast!!!!!! :D techno: lowkey ab to cry toast: NOOOOOOOO DUN CRI! toast: there there techie... i know what will help! tubbo, sighing: arson? toast: ARSON! phil comes just in time to find tommys dead body and l'manberg gone hes not around for the withers neither hes there just to see the crater and wilbur in chains with blood on his hands trying to off himself phil will forever blame himself for not making it in time :> dream: taking wilbur away in boat toast, floating behind the boat: o^o dream do you have any games on your phone .///^///. looks at exileinnit hmmm spins roulette wheel who should i hurt... i picked d all of the above they dont let toast go with him but because he is baby and you can't tell him what to do tubbo: sighs finally now that the exiles done toast can you- tubbo: looks up tubbo: GOADDAMN IT

toast is promptly kidnapped back to l'manberg the next day toast keeps going back tho and no one understands why- he literally killed him! why does he keep wanting to go back! (toasts unfinished buisness keeping him tied was helping wilbur and l'manberg- he loved wilbur even at his worst)

toast vibes around everyone but he stays with wilbur- where ever wilbur goes is where he builds his home

its shitty but its an 'ome Toast, teary eyed: Dad? Why does everyone hate Wilby? Why can't I be with him... Phil, with no idea what to do: niki bakes cakes with niki whenever hes in l'manberg he keeps accidently setting her bakery on fire but hes sMOL AND GIGGLES A LOT AND HE HAS FLOUR ON HE GODDAMN SELF toast is a part of mexican l'manberg i dont make the rules mexican dream: AYYYYYYYYY HOMIE toast, giggling: 'OMIE!!!!!

Toast is wholesome while everyone is literally willing to murder Wilbur while also trying to stop him from khs toast is just a very happy lovely child and cries whenever anyone is mean to 'his big brother wilby!' and so they all constantly glare daggers over toasts shoulder wherenever he cant see em meanwhile Phil is just dying inside because Tommy is a ghost by Wilbur's hands and Wilbur keeps trying to commit suicide and oh god what is he supposed to do- he simply avoids this struggle by avoiding them toast, waddling up to philza: papa do you have any games on your phone? all im saying is that tommy called phil papa before changing to dad or fathercraft phil,in the tired parent voice: tommy please sit down- just for five minutes- at least for 5 minutes toast: sits down and then proceeds to struggle to continue to sit but he must because dad told him to toast is just ADHD incarnate wilbur, trying to end himself: im gonna escape my consequences toast: HI!!!!! :D wilbur: FUCK ITS MY CONSEQUENCES toast,,,, is so baby Wilbur is just not allowed to have anything remotely sharp i like how theres so much angst and im just hyper focusing on ba yby dream uses toast the same way he uses ghostbur! :D toast doesnt realize of course even after wilbur tells him dream is bad but he keeps forgetting!!! Everyone: da baby Dream: how can I profit from this oh dream is manipulating wilbur btw wilbur: suffering toast: i made you a card toast trusts eret wholeheartedly and this hurts eret because she knows if toast remembered he probably wouldnt- they wanted redemption but not like this- not because of death Toast: you look cool Toast: you are friend now Eret: sobs I don't deserve this Toast: what did I do wrong Toast: how can I help friend!!!!! Eret: sobbing more toast looks at everyone says "ah! friend shaped!" if ur wondering wheres the angst toast is the angst- toast is just tommy without any bad memories and hes so different they thought he was happy before they thought he was fine tommy was hurt too but since he internalized it no one cared toast sees wilbur being sad and goes! i know what will help! n-not arson tho people dont like arson when you do it.... BUT ITS OKAY! I BROUGHT A FRIEND! shows friend, the sheep and wilbur just fucking sobs Toast is wholesome chaotic in a perfect mix- toast is tommy but without the 'asshole on purpose as a self defense mechanism" someone mentioned something about Tommy masking insecurities once Toast doesn't remember. and he's fine with that he doesn't have any insecurities toast hurts because in retrospect toast, meeting bad: WOAAAAAAH! YOU LOOK SO FUCKING COOL! bad: LANGUAGE! toast, cringing back, looking at the ground: ..sorry :( bad: ...you can swear toast: :D bad: once toast hasnt sworn since "hes saving it for special occasions" sometimes he accidently swears and immedtly gasps and looks at bad and bad just sighs and is like "its okay it was an accident" bad never would have thought itd take letting tommy swear for him to stop huh... its almost like... hes a child.... and the negetive reienforcement.... was doing more harm then good.... toast: exists in an amount of happiness no one has ever seen him in before everyone: pain how much pain was tommy in before? they thought tommy was happy- was... was he not happy? he's so unabashedly joyful and energetic looking back they can see how forced every laugh felt, every smile- He's not afraid to just talk to people, make new friends he became so much more cautious after Eret, had it really effected him that badly? He's open. He never lies about how he's feeling, never brushes anything away how much was Tommy hiding, how much pain, how much fear- It's chilling. bone chilling. There's no way to fix what's been lost. No way to apologize to who Tommy used to be, to try and make it better. None of them every bothered to see him as anything more than a nuisance, an annoying child or cannon fodder and they'll regret it for the rest of their lives everyone: having a mental crisis toast: GUYYYYSS!! I MADE ANOTHER FRIEND!!!

"Wilby?" Wilbur heard Tommys voice say in an innocent tone.

Was he hearing things? Tommy's dead. He killed him himself.

"Wilby why are you in prison?" The image of his little brother asked, "Did you commit arson without me?" it asked in a pout.

"TOMMY!" Tubbo yelled running into the cell where Wilbur was kept, going through the bars with ease, "Tommy get away from him!"

"But 'ubbo!!!! Wilby is 'ere!!!!" Tommy (?) said with a smile Wilbur hadn't seen since Tommy was a child.

"Tommy, I understand you don't remember anything right now but you need to come back over here!" Tubbo demanded and Tommy flinched

Wilbur was struck with the sudden realization that this isn't just his mind- no no it can't be- but Tubbo acknowledged him he has to- Wilbur reached his locked hands towards Tommy only for him to pass through him. What? No no it was just his imagination that makes sense.

"Oh sorry Wil! I'm kinda dead! I don't remember how i died... but i think im a ghostie!" Tommy said plainly, floating off the floor. Wilbur looked at him in confusion. Whats happening?

the first time toast sees the crater toast srceams in intense amount of pain- its so loud you can hear it all over the smp- and just dissapears for a few days before reappearing with no memories of what happened toast saying things tommy thought but never said- he calls eret "big brother" and eret fucking d i e s toast cals all the l'manbergians older siblings He's far too honest for anyone to handle tommy was always honest too but he learned from experince that honesty only lead to hurt Tommy was like an enderchest, you could never see beyond the exterior, everything inside was exclusive to him and him alone Toast is like when someone dies and all their fuckin items explode onto the ground. you just see everything and most of it was  pain and everyone feels bad because they thought he was the only one uneffected that nothing had ever put a damper on his happiness and energetic smile- at what point had that smile became fake? also for angst reasons the last memory toast has is before the elections toast has uwu boy vibes but more chaotic toast goes to dream smp from logstedshire purely for sam nook toast starts making his hotel since he sees nobody has a home (including dream LMAO) (and he wants to make a safe place since everyone keeps saying something about war) and wants to make one and asks sam for help since apparently hes good at building and sam lets him pay after he finishs the hotel and sam nook is there since day one because i dont think i could handle a world without sam nook toast: biting everyone tubbo: wHY DO YOU DO THAT?????? toast: once techie bit all the cupcakes and then said it was his cuz he bit it so im biting everyone to show their mine!!!!! tubbo: i- tubbo: i am both flattered and disgusted everyone, remembering how tommy used to bite everyone upon meeting and then everyone would get mad at him and yell at him until he stopped biting people on meeting: sadly whips and nae naes hes a BABY toast deserves the fucking world also i havent talked ab it but there is wilbur and fundy angst here fundy confronts wilbur also not that fundy is angry about not not not getting murdered by his father but also why does he consider tommy his unfinished sympohny and not him? he raised fundy too- maybe he just only ever loved tommy (based off his insecurity of how close wilbur and tommy are based off wilbur raising tommy and wilbur only being there for fundy by the time he was older and also using hybrid age go nyoom for this dream manipulates toast during wilburs exile along with wilbur and toast realizes both of them were being used by him and fucking screams lourder than he ever has before and dissapears for a week and then shows up at technos house (he got lost and he didnt know why he was at logsted shire- he doesnt remember the place) on the day of the excution and tries to help technoblade but keeps forgetting that everyone is trying to kill techno the butcher army is hesitant when "hey why are you all attacking big brother Techy-" "HE SPAWNED WITHERS IN L'MANBERG!" "he did?" toast asked tilting his head in confusion "YES! HE DID! AFTER YOU DIED! NOW WHERE IS HE TOAST! WE NEED TO CAPTURE HIM!" whenever tubbo talks ab how theyre planning on excuting techno or how there was no trial toast has flashbacks to tubbos excution but hes never able to hold on to the memories just leaving him feeling bad toast sees anything traumatic and just makes the blue screen noise toast has to reboot every time anything truamatic happens and when he does he doesnt remember what happens after

toast hurts on a "THE FUCKING IMPLICATIONS OF THIS" level just.. everyone trying to make up for not noticing tommys hurt and trying to be good to toast when its already too late... far too late glatt is also here because whenever ytoast dissapears after something trauamtic he bounces back to the land of the dead for the bit and sometimes he drags glatt out to the land of the living with him only works bc toast has unfinished buisness so he can freely go between and just stays in the land of the lving until he can finish his unfiinshed buisness ghostbur and toast wouldve been good friends if they ever met anyone yells at toast and he immeditly starts sobbing

basically when everything is calm and peaceful and everyone is happy together after dream is in prison and toast is like "oh... this is what ive always wanted"

"toast?" tubbo asked, confused toast smiled softly, "i think its time for me to go" "what?" wilbur asked his pitch unusually high due to the fear lacing his voice "i think... i think this was my unfinished buisness... this is the last thing i wanted when i was alive, the reason i stayed... i think its finally my time to go now" toast said smiling tearfully "no! you vcan't go! we just got you back!"

basically when everything is finally ok, when things finally calm down toast fades back to the void/afterlife thing