#thats it. thats all i have. why am i out here all the time
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Hot Laps | LN4 smau
lando norris x reader
summary: lando takes an actress on a hot lap. they immediately have chemistry.
fc: marsai martin, pinterest girls
a/n: GUYS IM SORRY!!!! college is kicking my ass and my friends are being fake so i'm sorry it's been a while my motivation has kinda been down :(
also sorry it's short
yourusername
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yourusername new movie coming out soon!!! go watch it!!
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username1 I CAN'T WAIT OMGGGG
zendaya gorgeous as always
yourusername love u girl🫶
username2 YOU ARE GLOWING
username3 looked at myself and sighed
username4 i'm sat
username5 mother is mothering
username6 IM SO EXCITED
username7 face card never declines
yourusername added to their story
caption: GUESS WHOS GOING TO THE MIAMI GP!!!
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username1 OMG I HOPE I SEE YOU
username2 lock your doors
username3 ugh more celebrities that know nothing about f1 getting invited🙄
mclaren We're excited to have you!
f1
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f1 Lando Norris takes actress Y/n Y/l/n on a hot lap! Watch the full video here
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username1 holy crap
username2 no longer lando norizz😭
yourusername i was only a little bit scared!
landonorris just a bit?
username3 ok so now i need them to date
username4 how was lando able to focus while she looked at him like that?? i would fold immediately
username5 they were both so quick with their responses like the chemistry is insane
username6 idk who i'm jealous of more
username7 it felt like i was interrupting something
username8 she's so beautiful
username9 it was all too much for little lando norris
landonorris
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landonorris WOOOO P1!!!! Thanks for being my good luck charm, @.yourusername you'll have to come to races more often😉
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username1 HELLLOOOO????
danielricciardo they grow up so fast🥹
username2 what happened to shame?
yourusername of course! you'll just have to invite me :)
landonorris see you soon!
username3 OMG???
oscarpiastri Good job mate!
username4 IM SO HAPPY I CRIED
username5 lando norris is a grand prix winner🥳
username6 i'm still smiling
username7 congrats but the caption is crazy, rizz unmatched
yourusername
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yourusername thank you again mclaren for the invite, i think papaya is my color! and i even got to see some cute boy win!
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username1 "some cute boy" yeah okay
username2 i love the online flirting now kiss pls
landonorris you definitely belong in papaya🧡
yourusername oh yeah?
username3 LANDOS COMMENT BYE
username4 oh to be able to flirt with lando norris
username5 okay but why is no one talking about how STUNNING she is
landonorris i'm talking about it
username5 OMG
username6 when will it be my turn😣
username7 new wag PLEASE
username8 they NEED to date or else i will be upset
landonorris
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landonorris nice little break😊
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username1 WHAT
username2 wait...but y/n posted a few days ago and she was shooting a movie, so who is this???
username3 streets are saying this isn't y/n😔
yourusername looks fun, invite me next time!
username4 oh so it wasn't her
username5 i am a child of divorce
username6 WDYM THATS NOT Y/N??
username7 but they would literally be the IT couple
username8 fr, the chemistry was unmatched
username9 guys what if she's just saying that to throw us off?
username10 okay but she is literally filming for a movie she can't just go on vacation
yourusername just added to their story
Caption: who's this cutie?
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username1 YES MY PARENTS HAVE REUNITED
landonorris hmm i don't know, you should ask him🤔
username2 is his gf ok with you calling him cute??? homewrecker
username3 interesting...
username4 THE HEART IM CRYING
username5 yall are so perfect
yourusername
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yourusername fun weekend😚
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username1 WHITE BOY SPOTTED
username2 dare i say it...is that lando
username3 he already has a gf
username4 you know who's eyes look like that?🤭
username5 bruh there's billions of people in this world it could be anyone
username6 hold on im trying to spell gorjus
username7 interesting...
landonorris
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landonorris fuck a soft launch
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username1 OMG I KNEW IT
yourusername LANDO WHAT ABOUT OUR PLAN??
landonorris sorry🤷♂️
yourusername ur lucky i love you
username2 YALL TRICKED US WTF
username3 bout time omfg
maxfewtrell Congrats, mate!
username4 yayy!! sleeping on the highway tonight🤗
username5 power couple fr
username6 quick everyone act surprised!
yourusername
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yourusername yes it was me all along
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username1 MY PARENTS IM SO HAPPY
username2 dare i say the hottest couple ever??
landonorris my sweetheart🧡
username3 when will it be my turn😫
username4 HOLY SHIT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
username5 i want what they have
taglist: @evasmlp @partnerincrime0 @r0nnsblog @raizelchrysanderoctavius @daniiiboo @wisestarfishbouquet @noodleysalad @thatgirlwholikescars @jxnellat @blakebearsblog @angelluv444 @pretty-little-bunny382728 @etterdotexe @scopeiguess @noope306 @burning8wood @styl1shl1v @venusandstardust @daniellef89x @nzygftoji @laheykol06 @blodwyn4u @allthings-fandoms @woozarts @astroniii @lilorose25 @dejavuontrack @xxx-betty @wobblymug @m3ntally-unstable @armystay89 @sarakay-gvf @kar1nsworldx @velentine @rexit-mo @blodwyn4u @lammys-thinking @sam02009 @kaorisakamotofan @taylorsvogue13 @loveparkersblog @delicatetrashtree @hashmiya @noodleboyluke @heavy-vettel @ilivbullyingjeongin @theblueblub @bloodyymaryyy @stressed-cherry @da-writer
#f1#formula 1#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#lando norris#f1 smau#lando norris x reader#smau#danielricciardo#oscarpiastri#lando norris smau#lando norris fanfic#lando norris imagine#f1 imagine#max verstappen#f1 x female reader
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okay here goes nothing please dont be mad at me for this afterwards
i am so fucking tired of feeling left out in every. single. friendgroup. i'll ever have.
i just cant stop thinking "what if they hate me secretly" "they probably laugh behind me" "they probably talk about how annoying and stupid i am when im not there" and this one is pretty stupid but "what if they have another groupchat that im not in and they talk there all day and thats why they never talk to me" i know people said it a million times but i really cant stop thinking like this.
(you have every right to be mad for this part its not even a big thing why am i sad over this)
just today a new friend of mine decided to co peletely ignore my existence and talk with another friend of hers, and thats okay, really, she has other friends and i have other friends aswell, its okay. the thing is i went to her class to talk to her and she just walked beside me, exitted her class and went to mine to talk with her another friend. i know im short but like she shoul've seen me right? i dont know this feels so stupid when i say it out loud
then theres the server, dont get me wrong please i love every one of you so much its just im not active 24/7 and that makes me feel left out. there are certain people who are active all day or people that are loved by everyone and even if they wont answer for days everyone is always having fun with them, i know im not the best friend a person can ask for but i'm really trying my best and i just want to be loved the same amount as i love people, do i really want so much? its really stupid, really, but fuck it no one would probably even see this so fuck it we ball
today when the staff was talking about if we should invite someone or not, everyones opinion was asked, the people that didnt respond were tagged, but i wasnt. this is really really stupid but it just made me feel horrible, like i didnt matter
yeah i know its pretty stupid.
im just too scared that people will lost interest in me one day and i'll just be forgotten, ignored, not important anymore. im so scared we will have a huge fight over something stupid i said and never talk again, then after a few months someone will mention my name and people will just say "we were friends once, never liked her anyways"
i know its really stupid its just how i feel
i fucking hate my attachment issues. i spam people a lot amd then get sad when they dont respond, and i dont even know why i do it myself
im just an obsessive idiot whos always scared of people leaving her. but i never realize how annoying and stupid i sound and then i get sad when they leave me, even tho the signs were super obvious that we were drifting away
im sorry this is stupid i dont need any help i just needed to scream to the void
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i really cannot emphasise enough. why am i the main fronter. why.
#i like cofronting with artemis. i like talking to q and hashtag. i like a few story based games. and i like writing#thats it. thats all i have. why am i out here all the time#and writing is kind of rough right now anyway. so#i want to go home#and by that i could mean. 'my' home or just. wherever we would feel happy#eugh. i'm stopping myself before i start rambling#but saying that in turn makes this more rambly as i am admitting it#i am explaining that which doesn't need to be explained#i could have just stopped without qualifying it by saying i am stopping before i start rambling#but i didn't. and now i am rambling about the concept of rambling. meaninglessly#if you feel like you always need to explain yourself you will never be satisfied#there is no golden ratio of words that will render your ideas fully articulated and understood by all. you need to accept that#some people just won't see it. shrugs
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family portrait :D young sam and sybil are behaving themselves and vimes is throwing a hissy fit because they tried to make him wear the helmet
[id: a digital painting of three people sitting for a portrait in a domestic interior. young sam is standing with his hands behind his back and beaming proudly. vimes is standing behind him with his hand on his shoulder, wearing a shiny military uniform and a surly expression. sybil is sitting on the right with an arm around young sam, smiling at the viewer. a plumed helmet is sitting on a table on the left. end id.]
#discworld#sam vimes#sybil ramkin#young sam vimes#artwork#discworld is inspiring me so much at the moment ive got it on the brain#vimes wore the helmet for 3 seconds and then took it off and refused to comb his helmet hair which is why he looks like that#also idk where the idea of sybil wearing wigs came from (i havent read all the books yet so i am not sure if it’s canon or headcanon) but i#am so besotted with that idea so assume sybil is bewigged any time i draw her#thats why she has no grey hairs here. i imagine her having very short wispy hair underneath#i literally love her so much ive been thinking about her for days she means the world 2 me#this is the first time ive drawn either her or young sam and im so happy with how they came out thats exactly how i picture them in my head#ive drawn vimes once before but i can usually get him close to my Brain Picture without too much difficulty#i just think Grumpy Bastard (affectionate) and there he is#also happy end of the year my friends! may 2024 bring you all the things you desire i love you
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What Deacon thinks: what did that mean? did he want me to wear a collar too? why else would he mention my neck? i mean, if he /asked/ me i would wear one but he didn't so would wearing one be weird?
What Ymber meant: It's nice to be near someone who isn't tethered to this world to serve it with a physical reminder for all to see.
#my characters#this just in ! thats why all the deities in the plot have collars and a chain !#its because THATS THEIR DESIGNATED I AM HERE TO HELP THIS WORLD SYMBOL#they cant remove their collars and thats fine by them - its a constant reminder that they exist to serve#deacon really shouldnt get as much crap as he gets in canon for being weird cause the deities are just a different brand of weird#like its not deacons fault that apparently you can say nice neck with no underlying desire#but he cant say hi would you please possess me i want to know what its like to have someone else in my body#like thats really not something you should pin on deacon YET EVERY deity is like wow what a lil weirdo#he also just really wants to please ymber so if ymber asked he would definitely do whatever#on the flip side i need to point out that deacon very specifically doesnt ask ymber for things nor does he pray for things#and it drives ymber up a wall because this is his favorite human who wont ask for anything and he isnt a psychic#he doesnt know what deacon wants or needs and its infuriating cause he exists to serve humanity#and yet this ONE GUY wont let him do things for him#this is very important and i cant believe i mentioned it like a month ago to someone and today#i received gift art of these two and i may never recover#its so perfect and its ymber just looming over deacon telling him that he can pray about anything to him#its also worth pointing out that when i was telling the person about the whole ymber begging for a prayer#its because he realizes that after all this time hes never had a single prayer from deacon - not before nor after the hire#so hes like oh well thats odd hmm#and then begins to talk to deacon like you know people pray to me for lots of things#and deacon looks at him unsure of what this is leading to - did someone offer a weird prayer? ask a weird thing? whatst?#and no - its just ymber saying that people will pray for wealth or an item#or they will express frustration if something is lost or broken despite it not being ymbers fault so deacon just stares#he has no idea what this is going to end on really so he points out 'well you do like to think you break people'#and ymber just ASDFASDFSADF STOP OK NEXT POINT people pray to me to bless relationships with happiness#and thats fascinating so deacon is like wow can you actually do that?#and ymber is so stressed as hes like i mean kinda i can simply amplify the positive emotions in gestures#like if someone gives an item out of love then its blessed#he also admits that he cant mask insincerity or malice so those feelings are not hidden nor amplified#and deacon just is impressed bc that is actually VERY cool
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art fight dump !!!! didnt feel like drafting up nine different posts so here they all are in one place instead lmao
characters in order of appearance:
venus belongs to @ssilentwillow
parker belongs to ~alovestuck (AF)
naoko belongs to @fghniki
athens and ser belong to @jaspersketch
yuri belongs to ~Tobago (AF)
claire and anais belong to @acetoons
torin belongs to ~HowlAashir (AF)
merry and zachary belong to ~Andientart (AF)
milo belongs to ~Alt_asher_art (AF)
#my art#art fight#eventually decided to post .. ehh why not LMAO#i hope no one minds being tagged or having me post these i can edit to remove urs if you want !#im dumping these here for archive and also bc i never post here lol. so i hope no one i tag feels pressured to reblog or respond i just wan#to credit you. lmao. pls dont worry about it haha#hi art blog i am alive . im basically just posting on @duskerot instead of here but i will reblog art over here if i post it#i kinda just dont post my ocs art? and thats all i make . hence the silence#i might start posting ocs soon tho ! who knows#anyway art fight was fun this year lotsa fun guys out therre#this character torin is the first time ive found someone else with an oc called torin . which is my main ocs name . so i was like i HAVE TO
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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i guess im being offered the job lol
#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview#but i guess not???#manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates#like. okay???????#theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job#like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh.#im assuming so . but maybe not. idk#im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer#this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people....#but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out#well thats life. as the song goes#fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing#bc the monthly pass id need for the new job#costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny#crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job#its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still)#i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting#plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good#sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here#UH. what else#well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time#although ive only resumed reading recently lol#idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up#these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher#only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain#why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books#ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it#finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly)#well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm
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OH RHIS SUCKS
#why does it always happen like this im so tired!!! every single friend i make in school leaves#it has happened four times in yhe past five years!!!!!#and most of this i barely talked to after they left. i dont want to lose contact with her too i dont want that#shes one of the only people in this whole school i actively enjoy talking to#we were going to go to the same high school but i dont even know if thats gonna be possible either#yeah my other friends are gonna be there too which is gonna be great its gonna be so much fun but i wanted her to be there too#im not sure how far away the town shes going to is from here but i hope its not too far#i know for a fact long distance friendships never last long. at least for me#who am i gonna hang out with at school now ?? my sister and her friends are there but i dont wanna bother them#theres the group we hung out with but i mostly ever talked to her not them ! theyre nice i dont dislike them at all but theyre not the kind#of people id talk to#i dont have anything in common with them i dont have anything to tell them or any interest in the things they talk about#URGHHH#she was going to come to my home to watch mamma mia!!! we were going to finish watching metal family as well :(#shes leaving the town the 14 apparently....
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Okay OP nation I have some (maybe controversial) statements about the Straw Hats and I need y’all to listEN FIRST OKAY- HEAR ME OUT
Boyfriend: Zoro and Franky
Husband: Usopp and Sanji
Girlfriend: Nami
Wife: Robin
Luffy: Aroace king
#DO YOU SEE THE VISION ????#like I am a Certified Zoro Girlie but thats not a husband... he has Boyfriend written all over him#I cant call him husband in my head - ‘oh that’s my Husband Zoro’ - ew no - 'thats my BOYFRIEND Zoro' - yes !#Franky is just cool and sensitive like that -> the boyfren to defeat all boyfrends -> i'd fall hard and fast -> like embarrassingly so#SANJI OH MY GOD !!! THE FIRST MAN WHO DARED TO MALEWIFE#and of course anime he has a couple red flags but I always put those on ‘annoying anime trope’ rather than accepting thats a part of him (C#(OPLA IS HERE TO PROVE THAT) shit like in canon they kinda set him up as this totally uncool Wannabe Casanova (which he is !!)#but he’s also just effortlessly charming ???? me at 7 y/o watching his intro for the very first time ??? a goner !!! -> me at 20 yo watchin#GOD !! USOPP !! THE MAN ! THE KING ! THE LEGEND -> I have ALWAYS been an Usopp girlie -> cause im always right and i love to win#y’all gonna give a pathetic cowardly little man with huge dreams and an even bigger heart who ALWAYS stands up for whats right#DESPITE BEING SCARED ???? I’m in the chapel baby lets do this 👰🏻 -> also his tiddies are always out ??? DUNGAREES WITH NO SHIRT !! WHATS NO#risking his life fighting an incredibly powerful and scary pirate for an entire village who didn’t treat him fairly and DIDNT BELIEVE HIM#him going to a place he was Not Welcomed and constantly mistreated at only to tell a DYING girl incredibly fun stories and keep her company#cause he saw his mom go through the same thing as a kid ? -> i love him yall 🥺#NAMI !!! thats Girlfriend with a capital G -> shes pretty greedy and a little bit (very) mean -> i love her sm i want her to rule my life#RO !! BIN !! the crush I have on that woman is honestly embarrassing -> she is THE wife -> do not be mistaken#i dont really see Luffy wanting a romantic relationship but that’s not gonna stop me from reading fanfic about him ; p#i had to edit this and glue some tags together so they'd all fit -> thats why theres so many arrows -> I have Thoughts okay -> let me live#one piece#opla#one piece live action#straw hats
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Recent game related things .. hrmm...
#I do like the inconsistency of the first map. that is actually something older but that I re-found and added to my Game Reference stuff#so that when characters reference where they're from I can be accurate. I like that the whole map is kind of shifted up that way. Where the#actual south part doesnt even count as the south since its Too Far and Scary lol. and if you say you're from 'the north' thats basically#like.. one single continent. Though some people do make distinctions like 'north midlands' or etc. still. I like the ways that common#language isn't always precisely accurate like that. and thinking about why a culture would classify things a certain way or etc. etc.#The inventory page is so funny to me because it's literally just the BASe like.. sample layout just to make sure it works properly with 0#actual design into it. just colored rectangles thrown together in MS paint. but what if I like... left it like that.. what if all the other#art in the game and UI is like stylized and fully matching BUT the inventory/journal/etc. screens I just left as plain colored blocks#with random misalignments and black spots and etc gjhbhjj... It looks unfinished in a Funny Contrast way to me.#the wordcounts are just like... my past few days of writing.. I am still not getting 2200 words a day done or whatever I needed. I'm lucky#if it's even half of that .... tee hee.. :3c I do also keep having appointments and other things going on but..grrr...#The full map of the area is probably not necessary but I thought it would be more realisitc if people were able to reference things. Like i#you have people all living in a city area probably at some point someone might mention a neighboring city or some landmark nearby#or etc. so I thought having at least the basic names of what's around for reference would be sensible. A side character mentioning#'oh yeah I don't live here full time I just travel from Marisene sometimes' or whatever makes it seem more like a Real#Fleshed Out Place than people just making vague references like 'the river' or 'i come from a city nearby' or 'i went to a place somewhere#around here' or 'the other city' or etc. lol.. Especially since global cities/global areas are weird as they operate almost like an#independent country within their walls. so it's like a micro country inside of another country usually. just plopped down in some agreed#upon plot of land that won't be too disruptive to the main country around it. That could get very complex depending on the cultural and#political backdrop of where they're placed (though obviously they try to choose the 'easiest' areas possible for it). Asen is a very mild#country without much history of conflict or anything so it's fine. But still interesting that Sifeh and the entire branched out global area#border three other districts of Asen. Which means like 3 times the local representitives you'l have to negotiate with for some major change#or anything. I think one of the 'random characters you can find around the world and have short discussions with just to make the area#feel more populated and real even though theyre not actual important npcs' is going to be a guy who actually serves on the council that#handles running the global areas and he's like.. some perpetually exhausted middle aged elf running around with a clipboard or whatever#ANYWAY...... hrgh... still trying to write when I can....#I WISH so badly that I had the scope for a simple character creation menu and all character interactions would allot for the background#of your player character. And also to have a simple day night cycle where places in the world you explore/people you talk to during the day#have new options or dialogue at night.. BUT alas... I already am so behind on everything as is lol.. aughhh... T o T#As the worlds number one Needless Detail And Complexity Enjoyer i must dilligently prevent myself from adding additional complexity
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reading a single tf comedy fic will confront u with the authors viewpoints on: heads of military, heads of state, stance on revolutionary politics, reporters, freedom of the press, cops, class stigmatized labour, civilian liberties, criminalized... miscreantism? blows big breath kicks can down the road... minorities?
#some shit#its not called cisformers#there indeed could be a use case where i said all this and was saying it in a positive tone.#reader: i am not#i gotta stop opening links from tumblr the reccs just arent worth it#groans. why are you guys so fucking authoritarian. dont u wanna watch animated or smth with me. cant we have fun.#honestly the amount of times i see like. evil/nuisance reporters is bizarre. like oh well sure I KNOW corporate news media just washes the#hands of the state. but.... somehow i feel thats not your angle. given. who the mains always are#also: every time im forced to defend an iteration that actually isnt that good but at least has concepts more interesting and thought out#than ave. fandom. fan fic of other fanfic. world states. sighhhhhh#its a lot of bitching i know i know listen. only cause im out here on my lonesome on this beautiful thrusday morning alright. its fine.#theres are the facts of the. online space i choose to spend time in.... :/ god help me
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looked at old pics of myself at the wrong time and now im crying.,
#i always thot i was just kinda ugly and weird and lame and like. i wasnt. not that it would matter if i was but like. i wasnt i was just. me#in my memories im so mean to myself and then to like look back at who i was at that time is like. so hard like why was i so mean to myself#and why am i still so mean to myself. like who does it benefit to remember myself as awful and annoying and ugly and unlovable#like the only person in my life who thought i was all those things was me. like the only person that hated me that much was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate it here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fine :)#this was a nice wakeup call i suppose.#also all those old pics i looked so hot im crying actual tears im so mad i could have been getting so much pussy if i wasnt so depressed#idk im just like. trying to be nice to my inner child and my inner teenager is one thing but like. being nice to me early 20s is even harde#i always thought ppl hated me and its like no bitch..... You hated YOURSELF................... anyways im dehydrated#this blog turning 13 sent me into a real spiral ill tell u WHAT.#having spent all my formative years online to then become almost completely offline after getting a job. its drama to say grieving but like#idk it felt like looking at pics of a dead relative. like it looked like me and i could remember taking those pics. but like. thats not me.#GOD. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD#AND ITS ESPECIALLY CRAZY TO LOOK BACK NOW HAVING GAINED ADULT BODY WEIGHT AT PICS OF ME AS A KID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT. AND I WASNT.#AGAINNNNNNNNNNN NOT THAT IT WOULD MATTER IF I WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS#but i spent my whole life being treated as FAT without actually being fat. WHICH I AM NOW. and now im the happiest and fattest ive been.#like i actually wasnt a horrible ugly fat freak of nature. i just needed to get away from my mom#i really am rambling at this point. i know i need to Look Within and Figure Out Who I Want To Be and What Kind Of Person I Want To Become#but also i have work#and the answer is some kind of transgender. one of em. thats for sure. but like. im a waitress so like. rain check that convo....#anyways. i am not a bad person. and i wish i didnt spend so much of my life convincing myself i was. but u live and u learn i fucking GUESS
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life is actually so easily wonderful if the abusers are not around. heaven on earth. i can breathe for a few days <3 i've already gotten so much done and its only been 24 hours. i have 48 more hours of this relief to savour.
#i did dishes. i cooked. i moved a whole couch. i cleaned a bit. i've read 30% of a book. and i've got More cleaning planned to do#not just Wanting to do it. actually realistically planned. it is Achievable for once. because i dont feel the crushing weight of terror rn#is this how normal people feel ????? is this why life is so easy for everyone else in comparison ????#you can just. do things. without The Terror hanging over you and crushing you to death ???????#i want to cry lol#every time the abusers are away for more than a day i get a brief glimpse into how life could be and i want it to stay#i want to live in this forever#i think i could have a life if i could just. live like this. all the time.#but the fucked up part is that i know if i ever escape from this place i will probably crash and burn for a while lmfao#there is Grief and Suicidality waiting under the surface for me to leave this place. and then it will overwhelm me for a while#but i do hope i can get to a place where i can feel that bc it will mean i have made it out and that there is a path ahead of me#instead of just a closed door that i sit at and hope will open#however i will say... that i still want to die HFDSJKL like thats still very much present. i do want to die quite a lot still#but at least i have some relief from The Terror right now. i can experience joy unrestricted for a few moments here and there#its a little bit frustrating to be having such a pleasant time of relief and to still have ''jfc i need to kill myself soon'' in my head#i mean not just in my head i also feel it in my chest and stomach and feet and hands and shoulders.#but the Thought is echoing and the Feeling is there. even with the pleasant relief of abusers being away.#ARGHHH I DUNNO this sucks but i am enjoying what i can. its lovely to have some space and to let my guard down a little#and the book i am reading is Really good#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide tw#abuse tw
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also I got rly scared abt this last night or the night before because I suddenly realized sometimes people interpret it this way,,
so i just wanted to say that the reason i dont interact w people very much is NOT bc i think im better than ppl or anything - i am just very genuinely Petrified of messing up in social situations, to the point that I end up isolating and avoiding rather than risk making mistakes ^^;; WHICH ISN'T HEALTHY but . i havent figured out how to work through this yet dhdjdkl
BUT YEAH i just wanted to try to make sure nobody is thinking I'm some hoity-toity goober, I am literally just Extremely Terrified fjdjdkdl
#I've had nothing but good exps w ppl online for MONTHS but it hasnt seemed to improve my fear :')))#idk why im so scared honestly fhkddl i didnt use to be this ridiculously terrified ??#i could probably trace it back to a couple genuinely somewhat traumatizing bad interactions BUT CMONNN BRAIN !!!#its literally just a handful of Really Bad exps and all the rest have been totally fine 😭😭 those were OUTLIERS !!!#regardless. i rly hope i dont come off that way of being like. ''im too good for u'' bc thats absolutely not whats going on dhdkdl#im just. very very scared pretty much constantly and dont want to make any mistakes#bc i rly cherish this space and i am so grateful for everyone in it so i dont want to mess it up for myself i guess fhdkdl#any time i send a DM or reply or ask just know im probably fighting back Genuine Fear as i do so LMAO its so ridiculous honestly 😭😭#one day I'll figure it out and be able to interact w others without feeling like i am jumping straight into a lion's mouth !!!! one day !!!#(also theres a whole thing of me feeling like im scum of the earth and i don't want to make ppl have to be around me bc that would be rude)#(but the Fear is the main thing djdkdl the self-loathing is secondary at this point which... is potentially progress? maybe?)#(plus i am a notorious rambler. see example A (this right here). and i dont want to talk ppls ears off 😭😭)#dandy.cmd
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#i cant do a thing abt it but oh it hurts#and i feel bad bc i feel like he'd think im selfish?#i want him to be happy but cant i be hurt? cant i be sad too?#and i wont chase him. i'd never do anything like that. 9/10 if i dont *feel* wanted regardless of truth#im out of there bc i have avpd </3#but i cling to him?? i mean in an emotional way. like i never put up walls in my mind to numb my feelings for him the way i do w avpd#why is he so different from everyone else for my brqin and heart? i mean i obvi i think hes amazing#but i dont get why my brain doesnt protect me emotion and feeling wise the way it does w everything else#how could he cross all of those boundaries and walls my brain has put in place?#this is why i thought i had found my person. but it gets tricky when i am not his person#nor do i think i can be whrn he's chosen someone else. (i get that i really really do and thats why it hurts sm)#but yeah i'd never chase.. bc like why would i? when i know he didnt choose me to give a chance to. i'd never be as arrogant to try to#think i could be worth a chance or that i could do anything abt it.#so even if it's selfish i hurt sm. even tho at the same time i want him to have what he wants even if it isnt me and never was#bc i do also think.. even if it makes me sound naive.. or actually maybe this is just how *i* feel#if u love someone sm and truly want to be w them u find a way to get there. which i wanted to do bc yeah.. i felt like he was my person#but it's just me. it's me alone in this room and i cant.. stay in here forever bc how is that a life? :(#so idk ig i'll hurt and ache and be in pain for a while. and hopefully one day be able to move on#but facing the world & future without him and not knowing if we'll even talk again is so scary and so hard :(#and like will *i* ever find someone who lights my heart on fire and makes me deeply feel and not being so scared i turn away from it?#the way he does... idk :(#i cant even imagine wanting anyone else but.. im alone in that feeling too so.. it is what it is it is what it is it is what it is
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