#im just. very very scared pretty much constantly and dont want to make any mistakes

[dandyshucks]

also I got rly scared abt this last night or the night before because I suddenly realized sometimes people interpret it this way,,

so i just wanted to say that the reason i dont interact w people very much is NOT bc i think im better than ppl or anything - i am just very genuinely Petrified of messing up in social situations, to the point that I end up isolating and avoiding rather than risk making mistakes ^^;; WHICH ISN'T HEALTHY but . i havent figured out how to work through this yet dhdjdkl

BUT YEAH i just wanted to try to make sure nobody is thinking I'm some hoity-toity goober, I am literally just Extremely Terrified fjdjdkdl

[dreamingabouthendery]

Soarin’ (m)

pairing: jaemin x reader

au: disneyland worker!jaemin and reader

genre: fluff, smut

word count: 6.4k

warnings: smut, swearing, mentions of drugs (you’ll see), descriptions of sick? slight tainting of childhood (not enough to scar), controversial opinions (but not literally), unfunny humour

specific smut warnings (in case you dont want spoilers): fingering, blowjob, unprotected sex (but assume character is on the pill), semi-public sex?

summary: You have worked at Disneyland since the first year of uni, which has all but destroyed your ideals of magic. But when a new boy becomes the Mickey to your Minnie, you can’t help but find yourself intrigued by the bright-eyed newbie. Maybe Disneyland is magic, afterall. (this sucks im so sorry)

very, very heavily inspired by this thread on reddit. also, i hope you enjoy! any feedback will be much appreciated (this is my first fic as im sure youll be able to tell)

Ah, Disneyland, ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’. If you’re a child, that is. Not only can you meet your favorite characters who are probably doing lines in the back between rounds, but you have the honour of being able to watch them dangle helplessly from a wire during the firework display and narrowly avoid death. It’s no wonder you’ve been working there since your first year of uni.

‘Johnny told me there’s a new Mickey coming today.’ Eva, Princess Tiana and, quite frankly, the only decent princess in the whole park, says. She’s currently struggling to pull the long, white gloves over her own blue plastic pair of gloves she puts on for ‘safety reasons’ - her words, not yours. Though, it’s not like you can blame her when the outfits only get washed...well, never.

The two of you are currently the only two in the spacious dressing room which is permanently accompanied by the stench of sweat clinging to the walls, especially since it’s summer.

‘Oh, really?’ You ask from in front of her on the worn wooden bench, pulling your clunky yellow shoes on that dwarf your feet in their enormous size. It took you months to be able to walk in them without constantly tripping. Thankfully, it seems they at least got a wash after being puked on a few days ago.

She nods, moving towards the vanity and smoothing down a stray hair. ‘I know, it didn't take them long. Poor Jeremy, though.’

You hum in agreement. Jeremy ran into some trouble whilst covering a shift for the Donald Duck regular, resulting in a few broken ribs, a black eye and a dislocated shoulder. Or so the NDA requires you to say, anyway. Needless to say he quit on the spot.

‘____?’ You turn and see Johnny, your manager, making his way over to you with a cute guy in tow. ‘This is Jaemin. Jaemin, this is ____. He’s the new weekend Mickey regular. I need you to show him around Toontown discreetly,’ He gives you a pointed look to remind you that your characters aren’t supposed to talk. ‘And then you can camp out in Mickey’s House until the attractions close.’

You smile at Jaemin and he smiles back sheepishly as Johnny walks away without another word. Jaemin has arguably the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen, accompanied by the prettiest lips and the prettiest - is that too many ‘pretty’s? -  twinkling eyes and you can wholeheartedly say you have no problem showing him around ‘discreetly’.

‘Hi, Jaemin.’ You say, suddenly aware of your current state of half-dress with your suit still unzipped and bunched around your waist. You catch him glancing at your exposed top-half and quickly zip up the back before clearing your throat and gesturing towards the locker opposite yours. ‘Mickey’s suit is usually kept in there.’

‘Uh, thanks.’ He turns quickly before looking back at you, clearly not wanting to ask you to leave but not wanting to change in front of you.

‘Meet you outside?’ You take the hint and stand up, grabbing Minnie’s head and placing it over your own.

He nods gratefully and you leave.

‘You’ll have to get used to that, you know.’ You say quietly as he joins you. For a late Saturday afternoon in the summer, the park isn’t as busy as usual; only the occasional family loiters in Toontown, though in the distance you can see the beginnings of a crowd forming in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle in preparation for the fireworks as the sun begins to set.

‘Used to what?’

‘To seeing other cast members undressed and to them seeing you undressed.’ You say simply, waving to a child with a short brown bob and bucket hat that’s walking towards you as you head slowly from the staff area towards Goofy’s Playhouse. The child stops and asks both of you for your autographs, something that every Disney cast member has to perfect before they get to wear their suit.

‘Right,’ He mutters when she leaves. ‘What happened to the guy before me?’

You glance at him from the corner of your eye, momentarily forgetting you can’t see his face. ‘What’ve you heard?’

‘Nothing, why?’

You sigh. ‘He was jumped by some asshole teenagers. You don’t need to worry, though,’ You add quickly at his sharp intake of breath. ‘You aren’t dressed as Donald Duck so you should be fine.’ You joke.

He laughs slightly at that. ‘Who thought dressing up as a kids’ character could be so dangerous?’

‘Oh, you have no idea.’ You laugh, a little too loudly, drawing more attention to yourself than usual but automatically correct your pitch to match Minnie Mouse’s. You wave at the kids that turn to look at you and they hurry over, asking to take pictures. After they run back to their parents, you turn to Jaemin and ask, ‘So, why did you apply for the job?’

‘Wow, it’s like a second interview.’ You shake your head, mumbling a quick apology. ‘I’ve never actually been to Disneyland before, and you know,’ He gestures his hand aimlessly. ‘This is supposed to be The Most Magical Place on Earth’ - he quotes - ‘so, I guess I wanted to experience the magic firsthand.’

‘That’s Magic Kingdom.’ You correct automatically.

‘Huh?’

‘That’s Magic Kingdom’s motto. Ours is ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’.’

‘Huh. I guess there is a difference, then.’

‘Of course there’s a difference. Magic Kingdom isn’t nearly as good as Disneyland.’ You say simply.

Jaemin snorts. ‘I’m sorry I offended you.’

‘Anyway,’ You say, ‘If you’re looking for a magical experience, you’re coming at it from the wrong angle.’

‘Exactly how bad is it to work here?’ He questions, though you can hear a hint of amusement in his tone.

‘The best I can give you is unforgettable.’ You would explain to him the number of times you’ve caught both members of the public and workers having sex in various places including on various rides, and how Haunted Mansion is notorious for having people leave their loved one’s ashes in it despite the fact they just get vaccumed up, but it’s only his first day and you don’t want to scare him off.

‘Gotcha.’ He merely says and you continue on to show him the Chip ‘n’ Dale Treehouse, your favorite place in Toontown. At night, the treehouse is lit in such a way as to make it whimsical, the ragged branches no longer menacing as they are during the daytime. You can’t complain at the fact that it’s quiet due to the fact that most people overlook it, either, instead mistaking it as decoration and not an actual attraction that you can go in.

This makes it the perfect place to hide out in the nighttime, when people are busy with the most popular attractions and has made it sort of an escape to you. Well, that and it’s given you a bad back.

You pause in front of Mickey’s House. ‘This is your crib,’ you joke. ‘Are you ready for your first official shift?’ You say, feigning drama in your tone.

‘Oh, gee, Minnie, I sure am!’ He replies in Mickey’s tone, emulating it perfectly and making both of you crack up.

‘I have to warn you, though, expect your arm to go dead within the first few minutes from all the waving.’

‘Noted. This job isn’t going to give me carpal tunnel syndrome, is it?’ He asks, only half serious.

‘No, but it may make you hate kids.’

He chokes, but before he can say anything in reply, a small boy who looks about four illustrates your point by pulling down his denim shorts and taking a dump right on the tarmac next to the hideous grey mouse-shaped letterbox.

You can read Jaemin’s horror in his speechlessness as you merely sigh and pull out your radio to call in, ‘We have a code Pooh outside Mickey’s House, over.’

As you walk in your front door to your shared apartment with your roommate, Ailee, you catch her and her boyfriend, Sam, making out on the couch in the living room. You two met in the first week of uni when you both ended up at some frat party that you hated and hit it off.

‘Ew, gross, guys. You have a bedroom, you know.’ You say, throwing your bag on the coffee table and slumping down on the couch next to them, sinking into the plush white cushions.

Ailee merely throws her head back and laughs before saying, ‘Tell me all about it.’

You frown. ‘About what?’

She tuts at you impatiently. ‘Work, duh. Everyday you come home it’s been a bad day,’ She plays with a few strands of your hair comfortingly. ‘So, tell me about it.’

You scrunch your nose up. ‘Nothing out of the ordinary happened.’ You say simply, looking at your nails.

Sam laughs. ‘Even I know you look at your nails when you’re lying, ____.’

Your mouth falls open in shock, offended. ‘I do not.’ You insist and scowl internally.

‘You do,’ Ailee agrees. ‘But it’s okay, that doesn’t matter right now. What’s the juicy story for today?’

You roll your eyes. ‘I’m glad my misery is so entertaining. The only thing that’s different is that there’s a new weekend Mickey regular.’

Ailee and Sam share a pointed look. ‘And?’ She asks, drawing out the syllable.

‘And he’s cute. I guess.’ You add as an afterthought.

Ailee snorts. ‘You guess?’

You groan. ‘Okay, he’s cute, period.’ You concede.

‘So, ask him out.’

‘Can’t. It’s against the rules.’ You mumble.

She gives you an exasperated look. ‘____, sweetie, you’re the most lax person with a job still in the whole park. What’s one date to you that nobody knows about?’

You bite your lip. She does have a point. You think about how cute Jaemin was when he was nervous to greet the kids at the House and hide your grin.

‘She’d have to actually see him again, though, right?’ Sam interjects, interrupting your daydream.

‘Sam, don’t be such a Debby downer.’ Ailee whines.

Whilst it’s true that cast members in a couple usually split up, you doubt they would make Jaemin do his second shift on his own. Resolving to pluck up the courage to ask him out, you go to bed that night apprehensive about the following day.

Apparently God is punishing you for some unknown reason, because you don’t see Jaemin at all that day, or the week after. In fact, you don’t even catch a glimpse of him or the big round ears that are telling of Mickey’s character.

Eve informs you that Johnny teamed him up with Goofy for ‘variety’, meanwhile you’re being sent over to Soarin’ in Grizzly Peak, the most boring area in the whole park due to its unpopularity. You can’t help but worry slightly about Jaemin, though, thinking of the previous time you saw Daniel, Goofy’s actor, when he pulled a flask from seemingly nowhere inside his costume and took a long, deep drink before heading back out, slightly stumbling.

Before you step out, Bella, the girl who plays Cinderella (no, the irony is not lost on you), stops you and says, ‘Oh, ____, I heard the new Mickey Mouse arrived yesterday. Fingers crossed you don’t scare him into quitting, too.’ Ever since you auditioned for the part of Cinderella and lost it to her, Bella has taken to rubbing your inferiority in your face every chance she gets.

You roll your eyes and Eve says back, ‘Oh, fuck off, Bella,’ She turns to you. ‘She’s just jealous ‘cause she thinks he’s cute and he hasn’t even acknowledged her yet.’

You snort as Bella narrows her eyes and stomps away as best she can in her flimsy costume heels.

‘He was asking after you when he came in earlier, you know.’ Eve says.

‘Jaemin was?’

She hums before saying, ‘He looked so disappointed to be paired up with Goofy.’

You feel the blood rushing to your face as you smile. ‘Really?’

Eve looks at you knowingly. ‘Yep, said he wanted to thank you for being so understanding yesterday since no one wants to babysit the newbee.’

‘I’d happily babysit the newbee anytime if they looked like that.’ You say and Eve laughs.

Whilst you’re at the most boring attraction in the park, the day is still no less than eventful. You encounter a child stuck in a tree trying to skip the line for Anna and Elsa’s Royal Welcome on your way to the bathroom due to the nearest one being blocked off. After you manage to actually use the bathroom, you’re surprised to see Elsa herself there, half-dressed at the sink and you can’t help but wonder if that’s the reason the line is so long. To top it all off, one of the only times you manage to fill the ride at Soarin’, you notice a couple getting on while holding a backpack that’s moving and alert the ride operators. When they finally report back to you that there was a six-month-old baby in there, they have to convince you not to ring child protective services.

After you slam your locker closed in the deserted dressing room, you sink down on the rigid bench, putting your head in your hands and massaging your growing headache.

‘____,’ A voice starts and you jump, looking up to see Johnny standing above you, clipboard in hand. He barely gives you a second glance when he startles you, instead pretending not to notice and continuing, ‘I need you next Friday for a grad night.’

You groan. Grad nights are the worst events Disneyland continuously puts on, in the past coming second only to Nights of Joy, the annual Christian festival, before it was cancelled for good. Even the managers rejoiced in the abolition of Nights of Joy. ‘Can’t you find someone else to be Minnie? Everyone knows how bad grad nights are.’

Johnny sighs. ‘Fine, then. I’ll put you on watching the cameras for Star Tours with Jaemin.’

You ignore the way you want to immediately jump on the chance for some one-on-one time with Jaemin and raise an eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you not supposed to do that? You know, because he’s new and I’m not trained in…’ You trail off at the glare he’s giving you and purse your lips, nodding your head in acceptance.

‘Great, thanks.’ He says sarcastically and walks out.

At least the next time you return to Hell on Earth it won’t be in a Minnie costume.

You feel strange as you unlock and push open the door to the CCTV monitor room. If you had to put money on it, you would say it’s because this isn’t your job and you technically shouldn’t be here, but you’re not much of a gambler.

The heavy metal door gives way, opening to a small room with roughly fifty monitors, each displaying the Star Tours ride, the attraction itself as a whole and the surrounding area. You note the odd statue opposite the entrance that you don’t remember the name of - the satellites surrounding a distinct shape that is rocket-like. You shake your head internally at the sight. Why are the only pretty decorations reserved for Fantasyland?

You also note the dim red lighting and frown in confusion as your eyes land on Jaemin, sitting in an office chair in front of the wall of screens, wearing the same uniform consisting of a pale blue shirt and black trousers as you, except wearing it a hundred times better.

He turns upon your entrance, smiling as he takes in your attire. ‘I thought I’d set the mood with some lighting.’ He grins cheekily.

‘Oh?’ You say, stepping into the room, locking the door behind you. ‘What mood is that exactly?’

His smile grows wider as he says, ‘Adventure. We’re in for a night, so I hear.’

You groan, ‘You’ll wish you never agreed to doing this.’ You make your way to the chair next to his, sitting down on the flat cushion and leaning back.

‘How bad can it really be? These are literally a bunch of eighteen-year-olds who aren’t of legal drinking age yet and they’re supervised.’

You shook your head in mock sympathy. ‘Sweet, sweet, naive boy,’ You say. ‘Now you’ve jinxed it.’ You eye his coffee cup and wrinkle your nose in distaste at the black liquid. It looks like you’re staring into the pits of Hell. ‘What is that atrocity?’

He follows your gaze and laughs. ‘It’s coffee. Wanna try some?’ He maintains eye contact as he takes a sip and then offers it to you.

‘God, no. I have self-respect.’

He places it back down next to an intimidating set of controls, a hint of amusement in his eyes. ‘Also, I wanted to say thank you for the other week. For showing me around and stuff.’ He looks down shyly.

‘Oh, it’s, um, no problem. How have you been coping?’ You ask slightly awkwardly, not knowing what to do at his sudden personality flip-flop.

‘It’s a lot harder than I imagined it to be, honestly. I thought the worst that could happen would be screaming children and impatient parents.’ He admits.

You nod. ‘I thought the same when I first started last year. Little did I know the Karens were the least of my problems.’

He laughs breathily. ‘Tell me about it. I don’t know how you’ve managed to last so long.’

You shrug, embarrassed. ‘I just like making the kids’ day I guess.’

He coos and you push him lightly, smiling. ‘Why don’t we play a game?’ He asks, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

You narrow your own eyes. ‘What kind of game?’

‘Hmm,’ He pretends to think, tapping his chin. ‘How about twenty-one questions?’

‘Okay,’ You say slowly. ‘What are our rules going to be?’

He smirks. ‘You only get one get-out-of-jail card. And if you use it, you have to do what the other person says.’

You sigh. ‘Fine. Then, follow-up questions to your answers don’t count.’

‘Deal. I’ll go first,’ At your mildly worried look, he says, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. What are you studying in uni?’

‘Business and management.’ You say instantly, and he looks intrigued. ‘It was either that or English lit, and my parents weren’t too keen on me studying that.’

He frowns. ‘Why not?’

You avoid eye contact as you answer. ‘They’re both doctors,’ You clear your throat. ‘Are you in uni?’ You love your parents with all your heart but sometimes you wish they would just be happy with you being happy.

He takes the hint and moves on. ‘Yeah, I’m actually doing photography.’ He says, scratching the back of his neck.

Your head perks up. ‘Really? That’s so cool. My roommate is studying photography, too. Is that what you want to do after you graduate?’

His face relaxes. ‘I’m not really sure, to be honest. I just know it’s something I’m passionate about, you know?’ At your nod of encouragement, he continues, ‘There’s just something so amazing about capturing a moment forever in a way that really brings out its true beauty.’

You give him a small smile. ‘That sounds really special.’

He shrugs, though you can tell he appreciates it. ‘Anyway, it’s your turn to answer. Do you have a boyfriend?’

If you were drinking something, you’re sure you would have choked. ‘I-no?’

He looks slightly put out. ‘Is it complicated?’

You shake your head, maybe a little too hard. ‘No, sorry, you just caught me off guard. No, I don’t have a boyfriend.’ He looks instantly brighter. ‘Why, are you asking me out?’ You tease.

He blushes. ‘I mean, uh, I, um-’

‘Oh my God,’ You laugh, though you feel disappointed. ‘It’s okay, I was only joking. Ouch.’ You’re almost glad you didn’t get a chance to ask him out and make things awkward between the two of you. Maybe not seeing him for two weeks was a sign from the universe not to fuck up.

‘I didn’t mean it like that, oh God, I’m sorry.’ He groans and buries his face in his hands.

You tap him playfully on the shoulder. ‘It’s fine,’ You can’t help but feel hurt. Why did he ask you if he doesn’t care whether you have one or not? Maybe you’re just reading too much into it. ‘My turn, anyway. What’s traumatized you the most since working here?’

‘Learning that when cast members say ‘have a Disney day’ they really mean ‘fuck you’.’

You throw your head back and laugh. ‘That’s my favorite. Although as far as things go, that’s pretty vanilla.’

‘Maybe I’m a vanilla guy.’ He teases, and you can’t help but let your mind wander to an image of him hovering over you, reaching up to intertwine your hands together as he moans sweetly in your ear and you feel your face heat up.

‘So you’re admitting you’re boring.’ You joke halfheartedly, almost off-beat.

He places his hand over his heart in mock hurt. ‘That was uncalled for. Alright then, little miss kinky, where’s the most daring place you’ve had sex?’

Your eyes widen comically. ‘I-’ You glance at the monitors and see two figures in the back row of the mostly deserted ride, one hunched over with their head in the lap of what you make out to be a guy judging by the other figure’s movements. ‘Oh my God, no!’ You cry and fumble for the microphone.

‘What? What is it?’ Jaemin asks, his eyes searching. You can tell the moment he sees what you’re seeing, because he instantly cracks up laughing.

‘It’s not funny,’ You whine, pressing the red button on the microphone and saying as firmly as you can as monotonous as you can, ‘This is a family-friendly ride. Please refrain from scarring’ - you hiss and the figure has the decency to bolt upright and you see that they’re a girl - ‘the camera operators and fellow riders. Thank you.’ The others on the ride look around in confusion, and you can see the girl turn to say something to the boy. Judging by the way she gestures, it’s safe to assume it’s something biting.

‘I thought you said this happens all the time.’ Jaemin says once he’s calmed down enough to make the words out.

‘It does,’ You keep your eye on the couple, the guy wearing a smug grin as he zips up his trousers and the girl looking meek and embarrassed. Good. Public indecency is no joke. ‘But that doesn’t make it any less gross. This is a kids’ park for goodness sake.’

‘But there aren’t any kids around.’

You give him an exasperated look. ‘Well, I would never be okay with doing it on a ride in public.’

He licks his lips and you follow the movement only slightly too closely. ‘So when I asked where the most risky place you’ve had sex is…’ He trails off, smirking.

‘You can cross a literal children’s park from the list of possibilities, and proudly so.’ You say stubbornly. ‘Please don’t tell me you have.’ You rush to say upon seeing his face.

‘I haven’t.’ He says slowly, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back in his chair, spreading his legs. You wish they didn’t look so inviting. You wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t.

‘But?’ You probe.

‘But nothing,’ He says simply. ‘So, are you gonna answer my question or are you gonna forfeit?’

You scowl at him. ‘What do you want if I do?’ You can feel your pulse racing in both excitement and fear but you keep your face blank.

His eyes shine as he leans forward, bracing his elbows on his thighs. ‘I don’t know yet.’

You swallow at his suggestive tone. ‘Fine, I’ll tell you,’ You concede, and he seems to not know whether to be pleased or disappointed. ‘My ex was a bit of an exhibitionist. He, um, you know, touched me when we went to see a movie.’

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, but you miss the glint in his gaze. ‘I thought you weren’t down for doing it in kids’ places.’

‘We were watching Paranormal Activity.’ You say flatly.

‘And?’

‘And it’s rated eighteen plus!’ You defend.

‘Is that the furthest you’ve gone in public? No compromising positions? No p in the-’

You cut him off hurriedly before he can go any further. ‘I’ve just never done it anywhere risky,’ You sigh dramatically. ‘I think I’m vanilla, too.’

He laughs loudly. ‘You don’t have to say it like it’s a bad thing. Anyway, I never said I was vanilla.’

You frown. ‘Earlier, you did.’

‘Did I? Maybe I was just saying it to tease you.’ He smiles a wide, boyish smile, completely contradicting what he’s implying with his words.

‘Oh?’ You say breathlessly. ‘Well, okay then.’

‘Don’t believe me?’

‘I-what? I never said-’

‘Would you rather I show you?’ He offers and your breath hitches as you meet his intense eyes. The warm brown seems darker and he glances at your chest as you breathe deeply. You can’t believe he said that. In the short time you’ve known him, you’re taken aback at how quickly he can switch between shyness and confidence.

When you merely stare back at him, not knowing what to say, he stands up and closes the short distance between the two of you so that his knee grazes your own as he stands above you. ‘____,’ He says, a slight rasp in his voice. ‘I need you to say it if you want this.’

You swallow and whisper, ‘Yes.’

He cups your face with his hand, his thumb softly stroking your cheek as he brings his lips down upon yours. You lift your own hand to hold his wrist which is currently beside your face and use the other one to grip onto the arm of the chair to ground yourself in the moment.

You let loose a small whimper as he glides his tongue across your bottom lip, and you part your lips to allow it in. He grips you tighter before he pulls away from your mouth to trail wet kisses across your jaw. ‘Guess you ended up tasting my coffee, anyway, hm?’ He whispers lowly into your ear before pecking it and you shudder, with both pleasure and laughter.

‘I guess so.’ You look into his eyes and see the pure hunger that makes you squeeze your thighs together.

Jaemin notices and pulls you up gently, pushing your hips into the desk with the monitors above it. Taking the hint, you spread your legs to give him room to stand between them, and he praises a quick, ‘Atta girl’, before leaning back down to reconnect your lips. You now take note of the slight hint of coffee on his tongue this time but you don’t care as you impatiently and desperately kiss him back and wrap your arms around his neck, bringing him closer. His hand ghosts up your thigh, making you shiver in his arms. He slowly moves to unbutton your bottoms, giving you time to stop him.

In response, however, you whine at what feels like his teasing and unbutton and unzip them yourself, causing him to chuckle as he pulls away. ‘Are you impatient, baby?’ You swoon internally at the pet name and nod, biting your lip.

‘Please,’ You manage. ‘Want you to touch me.’

He moans and slides his fingers into your underwear, not wanting to tease you over them after you asked so nicely. He grins as his fingers slide in your arousal and says, ‘You’re so wet already. Do you want me to make you come all over my fingers?’

‘Fuck, yes.’ You breathe.

His eyes drink in your rapidly rising chest and the utter desire written all over your face as he gently slides a finger inside you. ‘So tight and wet. How are you gonna take my cock if you’re this tight, hm?’ You whine and he eases a second finger in and starts thrusting at a pace that makes you arch your back. 

Your hand flies to his bicep, feeling the way it flexes under your fingertips as he scissors his fingers inside of you. His thumb finds your clit and rubs hard circles into it, the pressure being just enough to make your toes curl. You lean into him and rest your head on his shoulder, pressing a swift kiss to the juncture between it and his neck. You marvel at the way goosebumps rise upon your touch and the way your breaths feel huffing against his rapidly heating skin. You can smell the faint scent of earthiness and wood from his cologne, which you take a deep breath of and breathe in his aroma as your hand winds itself in his hair and tugs when a particular deep surge of his fingers hits a spot that makes your brain go fuzzy.

‘Jaemin.’ You moan and he all but growls.    

‘That’s it, baby, say my name. Are you close? Wanna see your face when I make you cum.’ His words weigh down your lower stomach like a ton of bricks, furthering you along in your chase to find your release. He nudges your clit deliciously, teasing you by rubbing around it every now and then, pulling you away only to bring you back with ten times the sensitivity and it’s enough to push you closer to the edge faster than when you touch yourself.

You feel the coil in your stomach tightening as you nod to answer his question and unbutton your top enough to fit your hand into your bra, your fingers finding your nipple and rolling it between them. You lift your face from his shoulder and stare into the seemingly pitless black of his eyes as they’re stuck to your face and the changes in your expression as he brings you to the edge. ‘Yes, don’t stop, please.’ You manage. His features are hard to make out in the dim lighting, but you notice the way his eyes zero in on your hand stuffed into your bra and it’s when he picks up the pace, fucking his fingers into you harder that you finally let go. Your eyes roll back and your grip on his arm tightens as you moan his name like a mantra.

He takes his fingers out after riding you through your high and makes eye contact as he sucks his fingers clean. ‘Mm, sweet.’ He teases.

You hide behind your hands in embarrassment and he laughs as he pries them away from your face. ‘You gonna let me bend you over this desk, now?’ He grins.

You nod meekly, your legs trembling as you stand up to your full height. Jaemin unbuttons your blouse as you return the gesture on him, pushing his shirt open to run your fingers down the ridges in his stomach. You teasingly flick your thumbs over his nipples and he gasps, to which you smirk and repeat the motion, causing him to moan and you bite your lip at the sound. ‘Sensitive, are you?’

He slaps your ass playfully in response, pulling your trousers and underwear down in one go. You reach behind you and unclip your bra as you step out of the pool of clothing at your feet, pulling it down your arms slowly. He opens his mouth to make a remark, but decides against it as your breasts come into view. He sucks in a breath and reaches up, tugging your left nipple that’s standing to attention. ‘You’re perfect.’ He says, taking in your figure.

You smile, hearing the sincerity in his voice. ‘I want to see you, too.’ You pout, pulling on his belt loops so that he’s even closer and then reaching down to undo them.

He helps you by unbuckling his belt and letting his trousers drop to the floor. You reach into his underwear and run your fingers down his length before wrapping your hand around it and moving it up and down. He throws his head back and you kiss down his neck, tasting the bittersweet salt of his sweat and the natural flavour of his skin. You pull him out of his underwear and begin to pick up the pace but all too soon he puts his hand over yours, halting you.

‘I want to come inside you.’ He phrases it like a question and you nod, turning around and bending over the desk. His hands smooth over the flesh of your ass as he says, ‘You look so good like this.’ Jaemin runs his length between your lips to lube himself and then situates himself so that he’s pressing against your entrance. ‘Ready?’

‘Yes. Please, Jaemin.’ You push your hips back so he gets the hint.

‘That never gets old,’ He pushes himself in steadily and you gasp at the stretch and how satisfying it feels. ‘Been wanting to hear you moan my name since the first day.’

You moan as he thrusts into you, hard and fast. His pace is almost bruising, the way he grips your hips assures you that you’ll feel a smattering of fingertip-shaped soreness tomorrow when you run your fingers over the area. ‘Me too.’ You say in between breaths. He reaches up to roll your bud between his fingers and you whine; your hand travels between your legs to rub your clit. It jumps a little from sensitivity but you keep at it until you just feel pure, white-hot pleasure.

‘Fuck!’ He shouts as you clench around him once he hits a spot that has you grasping his wrist. ‘You feel so fucking good,’ He praises, kissing up your back until he’s whispering in your ear, ‘So. Fucking. Good.’ In between thrusts. You shudder and turn your head, capturing his lips in yours. The kiss is messy but neither of you can bring yourselves to care, too lost in the feeling and taste of each other to pay it any mind. The sound of your hips connecting fills the small room, echoing as it bounces off the walls until your head is filled with his moans and his skin on yours and just Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin.

You feel yourself hovering over the edge almost embarrassingly quick and you cry out, ‘I’m so close.’

‘Yeah? Gonna come all over my cock like a good girl?’ He says huskily and you bite your lip and nod. You never would’ve guessed the timid boy you met on the first day who looked so innocent as the new guy had such a dirty mouth. It makes you shiver all over, loving the way his words caress your skin and make your nipples stand to an impossible hardness.

‘Yeah. Wanna be good for you.’

He groans. ‘You are, baby, you’re so good for me.’ At his words, you feel yourself come undone and your legs shake from the effort of holding you up. Jaemin whines as you clench around him sporadically, your breaths coming out in ragged puffs. You swear the sound pushes you harder for longer, wanting to do everything you can to hear him make such a pretty noise again.

‘Wait,’ You say, and he stops immediately. ‘I’m too sensitive. I can’t-’ Your voice cracks.

‘Can’t what, ____? Do you want me to stop?’ You can hear the genuine concern laced in his words.

‘No, well, yes,’ You huff and turn around, letting him slide out of you and you internally cringe at the feeling of him brushing against your sensitive walls. ‘Come here.’ You reach for his hands and pull him back over to you, closing the distance he put between you after you turned around. He looks confused as you smile lazily and kiss him sloppily, your hand moving between his legs to grab him at the base and squeezing him.

He moans and breaks off the kiss. ‘____, if you want to stop-’ You shush him as you drop to your knees and his eyes light up as you lean in to kiss the tip of him lovingly.

You trail your tongue from base to tip and take him in your mouth, suckling the head.

He curses. ‘Please don’t tease, I’m so close already.’

You relent, opening your mouth as wide as you can and sinking down to fit as much of him as you can. What doesn’t fit, you stroke with your hand. You can just about fit your hand around his girth and you can taste yourself on him, something you never thought you’d like but in that moment nothing could be hotter. He fists his hands in your hair, tugging slightly to make you look up at him. When you do, you moan around him at the sight - teeth tugging on his lower lip as he lets out moans here and there when you pay extra attention to the tip and his head thrown back, baring the honey-colored skin of his neck to your hungry eyes. He finally looks down at you and you’re close enough to hear his breath hitch as he watches you take him in and out of your mouth in a trance. You twist and tug him in a way that has his thigh twitching next to your head and so you place your hands on them and take him into your throat.

It’s when you simultaneously fondle his balls that he lets out a quiet ‘fuck’, followed by an ‘I’m coming’ and thrusts shallowly, causing tears to spring in your eyes. He releases into your mouth and you swallow it down and clean him off, earning that whimper that makes your clit throb.

Jaemin pulls you to your feet and into a kiss that you both commit to; one that’s passionate and slow as you calm both of your racing hearts and come down from the high of intimacy. You know he can taste himself on you, but he doesn’t hesitate to give his all. When he breaks away, he leans his forehead against yours, leaving wet kisses all over your face and you giggle. He runs his hands up your arms and says, ‘So, can I take you on a date now?’

You look into his eyes and nod, feeling suddenly shy at his vulnerable stare. ‘Yeah, I’d like that.’

‘So,’ He says casually, pulling you in closer by wrapping his arms around your shoulders. ‘Is this officially the weirdest place you’ve had sex?’

You gasp and slap his chest lightly but he just cackles in return, pulling you back into him.

[someguy1023]

Nobody’s gonna care about this, but maybe someone will

i think it’ll help convey why im so stuck on this, and why i seem to be focusing more on Holly and, according to messages i kept getting, “white knighting” for her. I’m not gonna justify Holly’s behavior. thats not what this is about. I just want this off my chest.

(im gonna regret this)

also, just to preemptively defend myself, i know how cheesy all this is gonna sound. But its the truth.

so. i guess i should preface this by explaining when I first heard about Holly. Maybe it’ll help this make sense in context. Maybe not. I don’t know but it doesnt hurt to try.

I didn’t actually learn about Holly through the internet like i assume most others did. I actually first found her through TV. More specifically, through that Heroes of Cosplay show SciFi has produced a few years back. I enjoyed it, but found myself mainly enjoying the work Holly and Jessica did while on the show. They were my favorite team, and I always tried to watch whenever they were in an episode. After a while though, I, like a lot of others apparently, got bored and moved on, and eventually forgot about Holly.

It was a few years later that I would find her again. This time, like many others, through Grumps. More specifically, through Ross and Steam Train. I was surprised when it turns out that one of my favorite members of GG was also married to one of my favorite people on HoC. Small world. I stayed a more casual fan, watching the occasional playthrough or crafting episode on her channel. I was more of a fan of GG and Ross, so I tended to watch more of his stuff than hers, but I still made sure to keep watching her stuff. It wasn’t anything major, she just made me smile.

A few years later, it meant something more to me.

In 2016, my father died. Normally, that wouldn’t be such a big deal for something like this. It was everything leading up to his death that was the problem. I always had a very “problematic” relationship with my father. He was abusive towards me when I was younger, lashing out at me for really minor problems. (for example, one time he had lifted me up in the air by my throat and began strangling me when I was ~6. Why? Because I had used some money our neighbor gave me for cleaning up his lawn to buy a popsicle from an ice cream truck, ate half of it, then put the other half in the fridge. He found it, got mad at me, and then began to yell at me. I had a nervous tic when I was younger where I giggled uncontrollably when I was scared. Sure enough, I began to giggle and could stop it, and then he, enraged, lifted me up. I realize years later he was probably drunk, considering he smelled really weird. It isnt a good memory.) He eventually left my mom and I when I was almost 7, moving down to Alabama with this lady he met in a bar, and proceeded to do pretty much every major drug imaginable. I didn’t see/hear from him again until a few years later at his mother’s funeral. He seemed remorseful for what he did to me, and a year or two later, moved in with his cousin back in the state I was living in at the time. I began visiting him when I was 13, and he seemed to be better. He apologized to me for what he did, he tried to be a good dad, and I believed him. That was my first mistake.

Flash forward to January 3rd, 2016. I was visiting him for the weekend after staying at my cousin’s, and was sorting through my things to make sure i didnt forget anything. We had visited one of his friends to get something he borrowed (according to him) then got back to his house. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and I thought he fell asleep. I noticed he had a cigarette in his mouth he was going to light before he passed out, so I went over to put it aside. I figured out he wasn’t sleeping. It turns out, he was overdosing, and what I thought was snoring was his throat closed shut and the air escaping his lungs. He was dying. I told his wife (at the time) what what happening, she called 911, and I went upstairs to hide in my bedroom. A lil while later, the ambulance came by, and the paramedics gave him whatever that stuff is they give addicts who OD. (At the time, I didnt know what was going on. He had really bad lungs, and I thought they were shutting down or something. I was told it was from him overdosing later that night.) He woke up, and they drove him to the hospital to make sure he was okay. I went back to my moms house, and stayed there. That was the last time I saw him alive

As it turns out, my dad had been using me for over 2 or 3 years. He was not only stealing money from me under the pretense of helping him with driving for over an hour to pick up/drop me off from my moms place to visit, but had also been heavily manipulating me for years in order to control me. He had tried to turn me against my mother and her side of the family, claiming she had used me to verbally abuse and control him when they were married, telling me lies in order to keep me under his thumb. (like how she threatened to abort me if he didnt marry her after knocking her up, or how she had him steal from his sister during her wedding, etc.) I began to despise my mother, arguing with her constantly, and, on his insistence, never told her anything about what he was doing or what he told me. It wasnt until after that day that I learned it was all lies.

I was devastated. I felt hurt, used, and betrayed. (I realize now...its because I actually was.) I was a wreck. It didnt help that 4 months later...he died. Needless to say, it was a very, very tough grieving period. I locked myself away in my room, unable to summon the energy to even get up in the morning. I had suffered from mild depression prior to this, but it was much worse. I couldn’t find a way to get through this, suffering for months, and eventually, began to think about suicide.

Thats where Holly came back in.

Besided the playthroughs helping cheer me up a lil whenever I put them on, it was her advice that really began my path to healing. Her kind words and support to others began to help me sort through the baggage I had been dealing with about my dad. I began to follow her advice on how to deal with my depression, and began to slowly ull myself back from the edge, and, over time, began to pull myself back up. Eventually, with her help, I began to attend regular therapy sessions, and managed to fully come to terms with what my father had done to me, as well as properly manage both my depression and anxiety problems. I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Holly. She helped keep me going when I really needed it. She, for lack of a better expression, helped save my life. I’ll always be grateful to her for that...despite all of this. Ever since then, whenever I felt my depression weighing me down, or felt my anxiety creep back up on me, I could rely on her to help keep me grounded.

When all this happened, I couldnt help but notice I felt the same way as I did all those years ago. Despite the fact that its just some random lady on the internet, and shouldnt have mattered as much as it did...it still hurt on a personal level. The worst part of this whole thing? I can’t go back to the thing that helped me out whenever I felt this way. Not without being reminded everywhere I go of how everyone thinks of her.

So...maybe thats why I’m doing all this. Not just to stop people from spreading hate and rumors based on speculation...but because part of me cant/doesnt want to believe one of the people I relied on and put trust in could be the bad guy. Because part of me just refuses to let go or lose someone who meant so much to me. Because part of me wants to believe that things will get better...even if I know they wont.

If you read through this, thank you. Maybe someone out there feels the same way I do. Maybe, if they dont, someone can understand. Its been a rough month for me. I just hope things will look up somehow. I dont know if I’m gonna come back to this. Im realizing it probably isnt healthy. The only thing I have left to say, then, if I dont come back; please, try to spread good. I know this is the internet, and even worse, tumblr...but i think people need some light nowadays. and constantly spreading hate and cruelty...that wont help anyone. I know nothing i say matters, that nothing i’ve done has changed any minds. but even if you cant trust Holly anymore, or dont believe anything she says...at least believe in one of her beliefs. That kindness is the greatest thing to spread to others, and the world can sure use a lot more of it.

Good night.

[tumblunni]

Rambling about my new watchholder oc Mallory

* absolute gremlin child. Eats dirt. Probably more of a monster than most of the yokai.

* at the same time tho, she is like super sunshine friend! She looks kinda gloomy ominous but her personality is actually super bubbly and her biggest priority in life is making new yokai friends and loving them forever. Like, creepy in a wholesome way? She does indeed love horror movies and creepy crawlies and could probably fistfight god, but that doesnt mean she's evil!

* kinda always bored but also easily exciteable? One of her biggest recurring jokes is just ignoring the normal or sane solution to a thing and doing something more fun even if its more difficult or dangerous. Actually i guess its more "fearless" than bored? Or bored of fear, lol. Fearless and doesnt really give a shit about any rules. But again not in a mean way, she doesnt break rules because she wants to piss people off, just like "im not gonna believe this if nobody bothers explaining why its supposed to be so important". But not exactly phrased like that cos that would be rude, lol. So uhh more like just relateable autism feel of not grasping social cues but mixed with a personality thats quite outgoing and uncaring of being judged poorly for not being normal, as opposed to me who's always worried about what people think.

* oh wait thats the word for it!! Free-spirited! Trickster! Like a peter pan type of trickster tho, more than loki. Like just "i am naturally outside the obligations of normalcy" rather than "i am intentionally trying to prank/illusion/manipulate people cos its funny". Or uhh i guess "manic pixie dream girl" but without all the stupid shit that trope has got associated with.

* pretty much just wish fullfillment of "what if i was confident enough to not care what people think and just act like myself no matter what"

* anyway in summary she likes to climb trees n stuff and her reaction to yokai being real is "yay" and her reaction to seeing an undefeatable giant kaiju is to run at it and try and suplex it with her bare hands. She's kind of a badass! Tho lol also her biggest character flaw is her badassness, cos she can be reckless due to the lack of fear. But then also sometimes when everyone is hopeless she really does manage to save the day no matter what, and help inspire everyone else to be brave too!

* though i'm thinking of maybe a character arc where she starts off seeing this as just a fun adventure with no stakes, and it doesnt matter if you take risks cos nobody's gonna get hurt anyway. Like a "this isnt really real, its just my hero's story" sort of thing? When things start getting more dark and she faces things she cant just defeat with simple optimism, it kinda stops being fun anymore. And she has to realize that even if she doesnt care about her own self preservation there's consequences that could happen to her friends and family. And maybe she's already made mistakes that she can't take back, and now she's neck deep in a conflict thats a lot bigger and more insurmountable than she thought. You can't just fistfight something like the abstract concept of hatred for humanity which will continue to be perpetuated as long as the idea keeps taking root. And maybe even yokai you befriended could start to believe it too, after all you've kinda been treating them as just fun toys and sidekicks on a story that's all about you, and dragging them into danger with your recklessness. Even though you're fighting the villains, are you really doing it because you actually care about saving the day? Do you even know what you're saving it from...?

* and similar to her unflappable victoryness being shaken, i think her fearlessness and confidence could also be deeper than they look on the surface. I feel like maybe as the story goes on it could be revealed that its less being fearless and more just not caring about her own safety. You start to see her get more actual consequences from her fights, and it starts to become sort of concerning that she keeps brushing it off as no big deal. Laughing it off. Wondering why her friends are even sad that she got hurt. And maybe she isnt really happy all the time and 100% secure in who she is, she just tries to hide any signs of doubt because she feels like nobody would care. And that she has to always be the funny class clown or else nobody would want to be her friend. And like.. She doesnt even really believe that she's great, believe that she's fine as she is. She's more aware of her weirdness than she lets on. She's constantly, paralyzingly aware that everyone thinks she's a freak. She did use to try and change herself to fit in, but she kept failing at it and it never helped her get any friends. Or when she did think she made a friend they'd turn on her whenever she slipped up and showed a crack in her mask of the perfect normal person. The perfect normal person they wanted her to be.. Constantly changing into WHATEVER anyone wanted her to be. The only reason she doesnt do that anymore is that she lost all hope in it working, not that she actually gained confidence in her true self. And even when she's npt conciously doing it she's still subconciously trying to be what people want her to be. She has to always be funny, always be fearless, she has to cling to the few parts of her weirdness that people dont seem to hate. And now she has to be the hero. She has to carry all the dreams of everyone she's met along the way, while never letting them know when she's scared she wont be able to help make them come true. She's always just laughing it off and never being fully open with any of her friends, because she's scared they'll hate her. ..

* so uhh.. Yeah. Personal experience of that. Personal experience of trying to fit into negative stereotypes of autism because thats what everyone saw me as no matter how hard i tried, and also it was the only form of autism theyd treat positively, somehow. Like just be the "funny one" and dont challenge any of their assumptions ans they'll leave you in relative peace. Put up with some degree of degredation to avoid the even worse version. And i was doing all of this at a very youbg age before i even knew i was autistic or what autism was, but i could still feel how people treated me differently and how i had to friggin agree with it or else they'd never let it go. Gahhh.. It was all way too complicated and dark for a kid to understand!

* so yeah anyway her story arc is going from being a badass funny to being a funny badass? Like she just becomes more genuinely tough and cool when she's not always winning and the stakes dont seem so low and comical AND most importantly you know her real feelings and see that she will indeed continue fighting even when she's scared. And she doesnt try so hard to be cool all the time so it just lets her be more genuine. And form actual relationships with everyone with genuine feelings. So its less "she is badass because its funny" and more "she is a badass because she's a badass". But she's still funny, just in more varied ways than simply "the only reason she won this fight so fast is because jokes". Fighting legit threatening enemies in fights that arent over in five seconds. So they can contain... SEVERAL joke..!!! And also some actual fighting for once!!

* hhh i dunno i am very tired im probably not explaining this well

* oh and i think possibly she has a bit of a complex of feeling she's nothing without her yokai watch? Like the yokai are her first friends who never abandoned her. And she always felt like she was useless and it was her own fault that she didnt have any friends. She first started off being all irreverent and goofy when she got the yokai watch cos she was well into her "i dont care anymore" phase of depression and felt certain these new friends would all realise she was awful eventually and leave, so like.. Why get attatched? Just have fun while it lasts. So maybe actually she shows early signs of her depression by trying harder to be normal whenever anyone shows her friendship. Maybe something where she starts straigjtening her hair or dressing more feminine and then you just see this look on her face like her heart has shattered when someone agrees that she does look better now. (Maybe a new yokai she recently caught who was like super cool and she wanted to impress them?) And she gets compulsively obsessed with it, exaggerating it to a ridiculous degree and starting to change other parts of her appearance and everyone goes from giggling about this weird circumstance to getting REALLY DAMN CONCERNED! And in the end something something the yokai who was an asshole abput her needing to be more feminine slips up and shows his true assy colours to the other yokai and theyre like IT WAS YOU and he's like "what? You should be thanking me for fixing your shitty trainer!" And Then Everyone Beats Him Up Forever. Etc etc moral that real friends accept you for who you are and anyone who tells you you have to change to impress them is not worth impressing. Also maybe some aspect where the yokai dude thinks that mallory is trying to impress him cos she has a crush on him, and thats the moment that manages to snap her out of her depressive funk. Self hate overrided by sheer EWW NO IM A LESBIAN, DUDE i just liked ur cool hat, geez. (Wait was that entire plot idea just an excuse to find a way to foreshadow her getting a crush on hailey in yw3...?)

* and maybe i dunno some sort of dramatic episode where she loses the ability to use the yokai watch and is faced with her self worth issues all at once and its super fuckin sad and we all know eventually she will get to see all her yokai friends again cos the plots not gonna end before finishing all the games but still MEGA SUPER SAD MOMENT ANYWAY (also tearful reunions!)

* also i just heard theres a yokai called furgus thats a big adorable hairball that gives people big hair. So maybe that could be one of the comically easy victory episodes? He uses his power on mallory but her hair is already too fluffy to be floofed! Maybe it backfires and turns his own hair into a boring bowl cut, lol? And then maybe a sequel where he returns for revenge a million episodes later but it just so happens to be during the maddiman boss fight and he accidentally cures his balding. "Noooo dont thank me nooooo" *is forced against his will to become a popular advertosing mascot for hair cream* *like straight up just gets sucked into the nearest bottle and sealed like a genie* *cursed forever to fame and fortune and a million dollar salary*

* lol i dont think im as funny as the actual yokai watch writers but i have a few ideas at least. This will be fun to draw!

[dylanobrienisbatman]

100 Questions

it’s long so it’s under the cut, but man was this fun. thanks for the tag @the-most-beautiful-broom ♥ i’ll tag my loves (if you want to haha this is a lot) @raven-reyes-of-sunshine @perhalta @dracovengeance @hedaalicia and @amihanmayari

1. What is your nickname? Bails

2. How old are you? 24

3. What is your birth month? February

4. What is your zodiac sign? Aquarius!

5. What is your favorite color? green (Aw hey linds, same !!) 

6. What’s your lucky number? I was number 8 for marching band every single year (F8 for flute 8) except my junior year, and my junior year we had a shit show, so im calling that. 

7. Do you have any pets? 5 dogs back home in seattle but none where i live now or in NY when i get back

8. Where are you from? everywhere and nowhere. my dads military. but im american! 

9. How tall are you? 5’ 5″

10. What shoe size are you? 7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? A whole lot, but they’re not always all with me. 

12. Are you random? not really. im pretty set in my routines and very comfortably a home body

13. Last person you texted? my best friend @broadwaybound2016

14. Are you psychic in any way? not even a little tbh

15. Last TV show watched? The Bold Type (WATCH IT ITS AMAZING)

16. Favorite movie? I’m not really sure but i just watched Love, Simon and im literally just crying because of it right now so im gonna go with that until further notice

17. Favorite show from your childhood? probably Lizze McGuire

18. Do you want children? Nope

19. Do you want a church wedding? I dont really want to get married

20. What is your religion? agnostic? maybe? im not religious, and not very spiritual. I love spirituality, things like crystals and stuff, but i try not to appropriate those things from groups/cultures who actually use them. I’d love to learn more about them and be someone who actually knew how to practice but, again, i dont want to step on toes culturally and take things that aren’t mine to take

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? a lot! a ton of surgeries on my ears

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? nope, im literally a goody two shoes

23. How is life? lovely

24. Baths or showers? showers!

25. What color socks are you wearing? i dont really wear socks? i like those little half socks. I’m not wearing any rn

26. Have you ever been famous? nope.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? probably. i’d love to have a voice, and if it was for doing something i love, i cant think of anything better than getting to share my passion with the world like that. But it would definitely be a lot of pressure

28. What type of music do you like? i’m into literally anything. I love Hayley Kiyoko, the 1975, big fan of just basic pop like ariana grande and charlie puth, Harry Styles’s album is a masterpiece, Shawn Mendes, 5th Harmony. i love anything.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Yes!!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? just two!

31. What position do you usually sleep in? on my stomach

32. How big is your house? my house at home is a 5 bedroom 3 bath, my apt in amsterdam rn is just a room in a hotel type place with my own bathroom, and my apt in nyc is a studio

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? i literally hardly ever eat breakfast, but i love a bagel

34. Have you ever left the country? I’m in europe RIGHT NOW! lol

35. Have you ever tried archery? once, i was terrible

36. Do you like anyone? Not right now, but i might want too

37. Favorite swear word? i love the word fuck. it’s got so much you can do with it. i swear like a sailor.

38. When do you fall asleep? ummmmmm? whenever i guess lol 

39. Do you have any scars? A few small ones. a decent one on my knee from falling off my bike when i was 8

40. Sexual orientation? Bisexual

41. Are you a good liar? excellent

42. What languages would you like to learn? ALLLL the languages. I’d love to learn native hawai’ian. i spent my high school years there and the culture is so incredible, and i was so welcomed into it by my friends who were from there, i’d love a chance to really connect too it and try to learn that. 

43. Top 10 songs? Oh boy... im just gonna bullet these because i cant decide the order but this is the general

the way i am - charlie puth

young god - halsey 

rather be - clean bandit

feelings - hayley kiyoko

woman - harry styles 

make me feel - janelle monáe 

six inch heels - beyonce 

get right witcha - migos

my my my - troye sivan 

nice for what - drake 

44. Do you like your country? i’m torn at the moment. I hate tr*mp and everything him and his stand for, but i think america can be a wonderful place. 

45. Do you have friends from the web? Yes!! <3

46. What is your personality type? MBTI: INTP 

47. Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw

48. Can you curl your tongue? yes!

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? I am Hermione and Hermione is me. (also i really relate a lot to Lexa from the 100, which... is interesting. the way she suppresses feelings, her generally logical approach to things, the way she is totally useless around pretty girls.) 

50. Left or right handed? right!

51. Are you scared of spiders? If they’re like, big spiders yes. or if they come out of nowhere. im way more scared of cockroaches tho.

52. Favorite food? For some reason this question has been really hard for me lately? idk. i love a good indian style curry, and tacos? 

53. Favorite foreign food? Indian!

54. Are you a clean or messy person? I’m CLEAN, but im messy. i feel like cleanliness and orderliness have been misconstrued to mean the same thing, but clean is to dirty as orderly is to messy. I’m clean and messy, i am not very orderly, and i am NOT dirty. 

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Experience a walk down the street in a city at night where im not afraid

56. What color underwear? black

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? not too long, but it sometimes takes me a long ass time to pick an outfit 

58. Do you have much of an ego? It’s as big as it should be. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? i suck on them until i can bite them

60. Do you talk to yourself? Constantly.

61. Do you sing to yourself? Hell yeah

62. Are you a good singer? i’m decent but i need another voice to match with. on my own i can’t carry a tune. 

63. Biggest Fears? failure. and heights. 

64. Are you a gossip? I can be, but never about like.. bad things. I like to talk about how this friend or that friend did x y z cool thing but im not like “omg did you hear so and so hooked up with so and so” 

65. Are you a grammar nazi? Not really because i can’t spell for shit

66. Do you have long or short hair? Short-ish? i cut my hair in march of LAST YEAR and then trimmed it again this year and i want it to fucking grow

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? i would definitely forget some

68. Favorite school subject? History

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Pretty introverted. 

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? Nah, im not allowed too for medical reasons

71. What makes you nervous? when I see kids wandering and their parents not noticing (okay im keeping that because me too, but also travelling? like the in-transit part of travel, catching busses/trains/planes makes me panic)

72. Are you scared of the dark? not at all

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? i try not too unless its major. usually its unintentional or the mistake is irrelevant to the flow of the conversation/situation  

74. Are you ticklish? Yes, but i hate being tickled unless its like, my sister or my dad

75. Have you ever started a rumor? No

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? Yes i have lol (linds, ily, we DEFINITELY have been over this already)

77. Have you ever drank underage? a little, but not until i was like 19, and then i was in europe for 6 months, so i didnt REALLY drink underage until i was like... less than 6 months to 21

78. Have you ever done drugs? Pot pretty regularly here in Amsterdam, and i’ve done shrooms

79. What do you fantasize about? getting a beautiful loft in a big city (preferrably london or NYC), with a kick ass job, a dog, and maybe a girlfriend with huge curly hair.

80. How many piercings do you have? Four

81. Can you roll your R’s? Yep!

82. How fast can you type? I just took a little online quiz that said i can type 72 words per minute with 93% accuracy? 

83. How fast can you run? lol I don’t run (same linds... same)

84. What color is your hair? brown!

85. What color are your eyes? Green!

86. What are you allergic to? I’m a bit lactose intolerant and pineapple makes my tongue itch?

87. Do you keep a journal? no, but i wish i did sometimes 

88. Are you depressed about anything? I’m not depressed “about anything”, im just generally someone who experiences a pretty mild case of depression.

89. Do you like your age? Yeah, i dig it.

90. What makes you angry? bigotry, ignorance, and spilling things. I spill drinks constantly, i spilled a WHOLE BOWL OF CEREAL ON MY FLOOR THE OTHER NIGHT.  

91. Do you like your own name? I didn’t used too but i really do now

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? not that i know of

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I don’t want kids. 

94. What talents do you have? i have a pretty great memory, but for random things i dont need 

95. Sun or moon? Moon <3

96. How did you get your name? My dad, he just liked it. My middle name was also my dad, he heard the name Jess on the movie A Man From Snowy River and he thought it was a nice like, nickname/pet name, so he gave me the middle name Ges (pronounced like Jess) with the intent of calling me that (it didnt stick), but he didn’t want anyone to think my middle name was Jessica, so he spelled it Ges.

97. Are you religious? I am not, but i have a lot of respect for the concept of religion, as long as its used for the real purpose, which is to make people feel peace and help people find love and comfort. 

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? I have not, but i shold

99. Color of your bedspread? White

100. Color of your room? White, with one black wall 

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[fsnowemblem]

Would you do a big post about why you like Noire? I know like nothing about her but I think she's really cute and I wanna know what about her makes you love her so much

you asked for it m’dude

you FREAKING ASKED FOR IT

and i assume that at this point you dont care about awakening support spoilers

In general like her archetype of character, a seemingly fragile quirky character that can go insane/berserk, an example is A.B.A. from guilty gear, i love it so much that my first ever original character that i made is this archetype

I really like her backstory, not like in the sense that i relate, but like in the sense that is very interesting, having a shitty shitty parent that did experiments on her, she ends up being a guinea pig for hexes of her mother, and becomes very shy, very jumpy and she talks very softly and with kind of a broken voice, her mother ends up giving her a talisman that is supposed to be hexed so that noire can draw strenght from it so it will protect her, talisman is just a placebo thats just there for noire to vent up her frustrations, she starts yelling, laughing and becomes way more aggressive, it is not a happy story, when you see noire for the first time she has already gone through so much, that the very fact that she is there to fight still is kind of remarkable, she is so determined that a lot of the supports she has with other ppl usually are impressed by her will power alone, she comes to the army broken, sad and scared, like most of the kid generation to be fair, their world pretty much was destroyed, but she along with the others is so set in making things right that her fears and worries are not gonna stop her, in short terms, she is like actually the strongest and most incredible of the kids that went back in time

I touched on her personallity a bit but she is really cool, even tho she is kinda quiet and doesnt usually involves herself with others, she cares about every single person she interacts with and is ready to help and protect anybody at any time, the best example is the support with pannes kid, dude is as much as a scaredy cat as her and their support starts by her doing him a favor, no questions ask and no hesitation, followed by him being inspired by her conviction of making things right and overcoming her fears, so much so that he stops hiding all together, and that support also shows that she is smart as to when to snap and become all violent and shit and when to keep calm and make ppl listen to her, she has weaponized both her cuteness and her aggresive nature

She is a way bigger human than me, if my mother experimented on me to the point of me becoming her guinea pig, i wouldve been like, lol fuck you never talk to me again, as strong as blood bonds are, i am not one to take shit and expect to make peace later, she on the other hand wants to make amends, and even tho the tharja she makes ameds with is not her mother, she wants to avoid her to be repeated by the mistakes of her parents i think that is so cool too, she is incredible

I just love all the little details of her supports about just being so inspiring to the ppl she talks to and her determination being contageous while never hiding her fears, worries and hesitation, she pushes forward despite her being scared, broken and sad, while other ppl have to be pushed to the point where they will actually say how they feel, i like how honest and direct she is, and i also really love how if she gets frustrated with someone being blatantly lying or being dense as fuck she will just snap and yell the truth out of them or really clearly explain her point so then she can help them get better or help them realize something abuot them, her berserk form is kind of a last resourse in this regard but its super funny and endearing when she just looses patience and tell them in ther faces how it is

But enough about her backstory lets go to gameplay!

she has *the* coolest passive ability, vengance, when you get hit you do your damage, plus the damage you where dealt at i think the luck stat x 2? one of the stats x 2, not only you can level up that stat really easily, she levels it up a lot naturally  and you end up getting vengance like 80% of the attacks if not all of them, she is a fucking killing machine its amazing, she is a bit of a glass cannon tho so be careful when using her, but i ended up using her so much that she started to just take like hits that where just around 20% of her health and subsequently dealing one hit kills, and since she is an archer, she can learn the one hit kill skill that is i believe the same stat as the vengance one, so since she already levels it up so fast naturaly she either does a one shot critical, she does a straight up critical hit that will murder fools straight up OR she will deal damage BACK that destroys ppl, SHE. IS. INCREDIBLE

 She is very resistance heavy and in the tail end missions of awakening you are usually getting bombarded by wizards not only is that helpful, they usually attack her bcus she has the least ammount of health so you can just go destroying magical fools left and right, and this is like, just vanilla noire, the first time i played awakening, gregor (a mercenary) was the parent she inherited a skill from, i made her a mercenary after getting said vengance and one hit kill chance, she gained sol, so when she did some insane damage she cured herself up to full health, proceeding to just freaking MURDER, i went with pretty much just her alone in one of the hollow boxes thingies and she just destroyed the whole map by herself taking like 3 damage total, when gaius was her father in my 2nd or 3rd playthru, she had the vengance stat to 50% so her vengance triggered EVERY SINGLE TIME plus the one hit kill skill she was the deadliest unit i had but she kept her glass cannon-ess trait so i had a healer next to her all the time, that being said tho she was my go to, oh shit this unit is super tanky, les go girl 1 shot it, and she did 100% of the time, and the 3RD TIME (or 2nd, i dunno) Libra was her dad, so i ended up making her a sorcerer, and needless to say, i think she ended up getting less vengance triggers but her magic power alone was dropping any fool that decided to wear metal armor that day and not go prepared for the biggest magic damage in human history

I really cant stress this enough

SHE.IS. A. GOD. DAMN. MONSTER. I. LOVE. HER. SO. MUCH. 

Also needless to say, in one of my 3 playthrus, i just went straight up to grimma with her, she got hit to 1 hp left, did the vengance and got grimma herself to freaking 5 hp left GRIMMA, THE FINAL BOSS, THE finall boss that you usually have to use a falchion to do significant damge, she is the hero we need and deserve.

AND TO TOP IT ALL OF, HER MANIACAL LAUGH IS THE CUTEST SHIT IN THE UNIVERSE SHE LAUGHS LIKE A TRUE DISNEY VILLAN AND DOES THE MOST ADORABLE SQUEAL AT THE END OF IT HOLY SHIT, i played the game in english so maybe its just in the english version BUT DAMN DID THE VA FUCKING NAILED IT its like, so perfect how she goes from insane laughter to with that little little hint of her broken meekly voice, BOY HOWDY i fell in love then and there the first time i heard it, best part, she triggered a skill/got a critical hit so often that i hear BLOOD AND THUNDER!! and her laugh SO MUCH, AND IT NEVER GOT OLD I was allways allways aaaaallways all giddy bcus i love it so much, i have 3 critical triggers that i love with my whole heart in awakening, 1 is noires laugh, 2 is noire yelling blood and thunder and 3 is frederick saying “pick a god and pray” bcus hot damn all of them just give me goose bumps, also continuing in voice lines trends

HER VOICE ACTRESS IS SO GOOD i cannot even begin to think about a better job to do this kind of character her passive voice is so quiet, scared and broken and her aggressive one is SO aggressive there is no inbetween its either 100% or 1% volume and crazyness its incredible, her passive voice is like she is constantly in the brink of tears just by talking, and her aggressive one is in the brink of snapping your spine in half mortal combat style and going back to the archetype i like THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT DUDE, THIS IS THE PINICLE OF SHY GIRL THAT GOES INSANE VOICE

If you thought i was done gushing about her IM JUST BEGINNING, lets move to her overall design shall we?

comming off of the voice actress incredible job, her whole demeanor compliments her voice so well, its one of those designs that you just cant see it any other way (even tho i do some changes to it all the time xD) i just cant imagine her having that voice and *not* looking like that you know? she looks straight up incredible (i could maybe use actual breastplate rather than a boob window with a leather support underneath but hey, i guess nothing is perfect)

Her official art of her drawing back her bow but the arrow being all badly placed and shit is objectively the most adorable picture in the world

The tones of green they used for her are really cool i grew in a place with a lot of trees and i really find them soothing, her whole forest green design just kills me and compliment her browns of belt and leather so well, the diamond pattern is also rul cute rather than the boring line pattern virion has, complimenting her whole deal of her being as beautiful and precious as a diamond

The armor she has on her arm looks so good, and so contrasting to the whole outfit i think its really funny but really badass at the same time, why is she wearing a full on knight arm armor? i have no clue but. i. love. it. she is such a powerful unit that she just needs one arm to defend against scrubs aka all enemy units including grimma itself

HER SQUIGGLY EYEBROWS HOLY SHIT

THE CUTE ROBIN HOOD ASS FEATHER SHE HAS ON HER HEAD, THE HEADBAND, THE FREAKING GOLD HEADBAND DEAR LORD

HER

POOFY 

PANTS 

ARE 

SO 

CUTE

I also really really like how she has like 5 leather belts that go from the belt to her high boots, its real unnecessary and you would think goofy as hell but it ENHANCES the poofy pants so good, now it looks liek a renissance striped poofy pants and i am a sucker for renissance clothing, also, imagine her doing flips and twirls with those, they are gonna follow her flow like a god damn princess dress and god dammit she deserves it bcus she IS A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS 100/10 pants/belt combo, she also has the slickest quiver ever for her arrows, which she hangs on her waist and looks rul cute

HER BOOTS are the best boots in gaming, souper cute, super stylish and really cool looking i just love how tall and chunky they are, they are almost wider than her feet, top notch, the little hole pattern on them give them extra stylish points, they are very basic brown, which just goes to show, if you have a good premisse you can slack on some departments and still look cooler than most of the competition, the little beighe frills on the top of it just puts it all together, incredible, amazing, fantastic i would go on a date with those boots and give em smooches

Im a fan of short hair, i am also a fan of puffy hair and above all i am a FAN of poofy short hair, and she has both, excecuted to perfection, her little long hairs on the side to compliment her messy back, it looks incredible, the braided pattern on the top of her head that just SHOWS how much she cares about her cute hair and with reason bcus its the cutest hair ever, 1k/10 extremely kissable forehead to show love and support when words and praise are not enough, will make you think that she deserves an award for greatest person alive or something, so beautiful it will bring you to tears, so beautiful that will make any dark day a bit brighter, so cute that it surpasses any fuzzy animal on the planet, SO BRIGHT AND GORGEOUS THAT IT WILL BURN YOUR EYES, you get my point by now yes?

her poses of nervousness are cute as hell, makes you want to be there to support her in any way you can, but then you realise that you are looking in a mirror and that not only you see that you also need love and support, but you realize that you can give it, it makes you wanna be a better person, and make everyone around you grow with you, its a mirror into your best self, it will bring you to tears and want to ask for forgiveness to anything wrong you have done in your life

You know how sometimes too much of stuff that you like will sometimes not mix well and end up ruining something in the process? not this time m’dude 

every

single

piece

flows and fits so well with every other composing a beautiful song named Noire, a song so beautiful, amazing, incredible, outstanding and mind blowing that i dont think there will ever be a shining light as bright as this in the whole time i have the privilege of walking on this little dot in the universe that we call earth

so when i say that i like everything about Noire i am NOT joking, i love this character to death, and even  if i wrote this thread with a narrative of me starting really tame and gradually getting overly excited to talk about something that i really love culminating in some ridiculous shit, i really do love this character and i wish to write/design a character this appealing someday a character that seems pretty one note and simple but ends up rooting its way into your heart

[sanshine]

this is a half vent half "what should i do" ask so sorry for the length,, you dont have to read it all hhh ---

one of my irls is being rly shitty rn. im so angry at her to the point where im considering ignoring her/not being her friend anymore.

basically what happened was she was making some jokes abt my triggers (which ive told her makes me uncomfy quite a few times) and then when i was like "hey what you said made me uncomfy" and "its tiring constantly bringing up how x makes me uncomfy and you always forgetting" later, she got rly defensive, saying things like "you know i have a shit memory" and "i still care but...". and gave a shit ass apology (she said "sorry it bothered u so much" like its my fault?). so when i said that her apology didnt seem genuine, she got rly defensive again and said stuff like "i dont want to walk on eggshells" and "i like to laugh at things that bother me". like 1) im not asking her to walk on eggshells and 2) its hard for me to laugh at things that bother me bc of my trauma, which im pretty sure ive told her abt. AND THEN she fucking played victim ("maybe just once can i please not be given shit for making one mistake").

and to top it off, shes giving me the silent treatment and said "ive just been trying to take a break from talking to my friends as much bc its depressing" when i told her giving me the silent treatment is gna piss me off even more. like?? no??? thats super fucking shitty????

anyways: i dont know what to do anymore. im so so angry at her and im just. tempted to not be her friend anymore. she also usually only talks to me to vent so. im tired of her. should i just? cut her off? shes one of my only three irls and shes the one ive hung out with the longest... shes said im her only friend at our school too so ill feel horrible if i do cut her off... sooo any advice? hhhh im just,,, rly angry and upset im sorry - ian

lmao i dont want to be that person but if she’s pissing you off this much, not respecting your boundaries, only comes to you with her own issues why are you still even talking to her hfjvdnkc

absolutely do not feel horrible if you do cut her off, does she feel horrible about saying those things to you?? does she feel horrible about bothering you all the time? doesn’t seem so to me. if you want to try and save the friendship i think maybe having one serious talk with her could help, but only if you make it clear that you’ve had enough of her behavior and either she realises she’s been acting like a bitch or she’s not worth your time, imo. if you’ee really her only friend and has a few functioning braincells, she’ll realise that she’s about to lose you and if she cares one bit, she’ll try to make a change. 

i actually helped 2 of my friends with a very similar situation, friend A was acting super shitty and moody towards friend B, she’s really been treating the other like shit and friend B always complained to me about it and asked for advice. i basically told her the same thing i just told you and eventually they talked it out because they’ve been friends for a long ass time and still cared for each other, so once friend B told friend A that her actions have been hurtful and annoying and made her not want to talk to her anymore, friend A got kinda... scared? of losing friend B, sincerely apologised for everything, said that she knows she’s a bit too much at times but that she genuinely cares about friend B and that she’ll try to be a better friend from then on. im not exactly sure what happened afterwards or how they’re doing now, but i know talking it out helped them both a lot. 

i also dont want to generalise at all and i dont know your friend, but maybe she’s having some kinda issues herself? thats the only way i can explain her being defensive, maybe she does feel bad about it but doesn’t know how to deal with it and gets defensive as a response? i dont know. my suggestion really is to talk it out with her and see where that goes 💕 and if you do please let me know! <3

[askjennie]

Should I tell my mom I don’t respect her?

hey jennie,(I’m 15 f) my mom just confronted me and we had a convo about how she felt i was bullying her like just how i talked to her and stuff was disrespectful. she said she thought i didn’t respect her and she really needed me to treat her better and with respect and kindness. the thing is, i dont really respect her. she not evil like she’s good hearted but she’s just absolutely pathetic. my dad is a really successful artist and he works really hard but most of it is doing something he really loves. but he also works really hard doing everything else like household chores and cooking and taking care of me and my brother and handling all the finance stuff and he’s more involved in my school life and stuff and its fine he loves work, he complains sometimes about household chores and stuff but really he loves working. btw he is 10 years older than my mom, anyway he’s also really brilliant and just an amazing person the only thing thats bad about him is that my mom says he’s verbally/ emotionally abusive, they would get into fights a lot when i was little, but it was always initiated by her and she was the only one to ever get violent (she’s thrown things at him,hit him, etc never anything drastic or too serious) but honestly i totally understand why my dad says these things to her (nothing ever really that bad even), she’s absolutely impossible and thoughtless and really just stupid and ignorant. anyone would get frustrated and he NEVER gets violent, he’s really the kindest most thoughtful and good and kindhearted person, truly. my mom can be fun sometimes but I’m getting pretty smart and i can never hold an intellectual conversation with her. she hardly ever does anything except cook which she complains about but enjoys most of the times and she does a lot of household chores but my dad still does a lot too. all she cares about is tv, health-things (I live in marin county california) which is one really good thing that she does she makes us all eat really healthy cuz she does most of the shopping, also [she only cares about] Facebook, shopping for clothes, etc. she wastes tons of money on utterly frivolous things and she just doesn’t seem to care about things and she thinks she can do whatever she wants and the world lives to serve her. now despite all this i dont think she’s a bad person or evil or anything i just feel like she’s less mature than me and i just turned 15! she kind of disgusts me though because her position is so stereotypical: stay at home mom who spends all her husbands hard earned money on useless shit. i just dont see how she can live like this. in short i just dont really have much respect for her and i dont know how to tell her or if i should in which case i dont know how to communicate with her because I’m just so tired of having to be the mature one and it puts me under so much stress cuz i feel like i dont have a strong mother figure in my life and my dad is not always available cuz of work like i spend most of the day when I’m not in school with my mom (but i talk way more with me dad lol) i just feel really unstable and I’m scared that I’m gonna end up like her, like: if she can’t get her life together can i? idk i feel like all my habits and stuff are from her. but then i remember we are different people and that doesn’t really matter.

im so sorry about how insanely long this is, anonymous pls! thank you so much hope you have a lovely day!!

Jennie: You should treat your mom with respect, but there’s more than one definition of respect. The first one is ‘letting everyone have their human rights and being generally polite and kind to people’. In this sense, you should treat everyone with respect. The second one is ‘admiring someone or treating them as an authority’. You probably don’t have that kind of respect for everyone, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the first kind of respect. If you don’t admire your mom, or believe she should have authority over you, that’s okay. But that doesn’t mean you can’t behave politely towards her.

It’s worrying that you’ve described abuse coming from both your parents. I know it might feel like you need to diminish it and say that it’s “not that bad”, because they’re your parents and you want to defend their behaviour, but I hope that you at least make sure it doesn’t leak into your future relationships. Hitting someone is serious, even if it’s a woman hitting a man, even if it doesn’t happen that often, even if it wasn’t very hard, and I hope that you’re able to recognise that in the future. Your mom says that your dad is emotionally abusive, and it’s difficult to tell from the outside whether that’s true. She could be exaggerating, but maybe there’s a side to their relationship that you haven’t seen, because you’re not involved in it. You defend him ‘saying things’ to her, and I don’t know what he says to her, so I don’t know if it sounds abusive or not. There’s a difference between fighting with someone and abusing someone. But if he’s continuously saying things to her such as “you’re stupid”, “you’re ignorant”, or “you disgust me”, then that is emotionally abusive, and even if you feel that you agree with those statements, that doesn’t mean it’s okay for someone to constantly insult their romantic partner.

You don’t know the full story of your mom’s life, and you don’t know why she behaves the way she does. Maybe she’s deeply unhappy staying with your dad but she’s financially dependent on him, so she has no choice. Maybe she has an underlying mental health issue. Sometimes, spending money can become an addiction, because buying something new can give someone short term happiness - sometimes people who are unhappy become addicted to buying stuff because it makes them feel temporarily better. I’m not saying that any of this is true of your mom. But it’s probably a good idea to look deeper than just “she’s a frivolous housewife who doesn’t care about anything”. I think we’re all guilty of labelling people like that sometimes, and taking someone’s behaviour at face value and judging them without knowing the full story. But sometimes it’s helpful to think about why they might be behaving that way, because if you know that, you might have more empathy for them.

This is understandably a frustrating situation to be in. But I don’t think that telling your mom you don’t respect her is going to help things improve for either of you. It’ll probably just strain your relationship further, and make your time at home more difficult. This is a temporary situation, and you won’t always be living under the same roof as your mom. For now, do your best to be polite, and understanding. It’s not fair that you have to be the mature one. But if you are able to act maturely in this situation, you’ll make things easier for yourself in the long run.

You and your mom are different people. Parents don’t always just teach us what to do - they can also teach us what not to do. You can learn from your parents mistakes, and use their lives as examples of how you don’t want your life to be. If there are aspects of your mom’s life that you really don’t want, then you can figure out how to reach your own goals, and ensure that you don’t end up like your mom. You have your own free will, and your own life. 

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.

[briarthedragon]

yes to ask all 70 questions do i send 70 asks or can i just say all 70 questions? 1-70? :3c plz

omg yea thanks >.

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?Kinda? I love my parents and they love me, for sure. But they don’t really support my identity - they’re rly homophobic and transphobic to the point that I can’t come out as genderqueer safely. So kinda? Eh?

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?Either my Zukes or my bestie Skye. I say “I love you” to p much all my friends every day so it’s hard to keep track, but I last talked to them xD

03: Do you regret anything?Oh yeah, I regret tons of things. I regret attending the university I went to, I regret not seeking help with my mental health issues earlier, I regret time wasted, I regret investing in toxic friendships. 

04: Are you insecure?Yeah, definitely. I doubt myself a lot, I fear that I’m annoying or bothering or hurting my friends, and I don’t really feel like I”m enough.

05: What is your relationship status?I’m in a QPR with my two wonderful zukes, @twixtandscream and @flowersalesman ! 

06: How do you want to die?Idk. I want to die after improving the world a little bit, that’s all I know. 07: What did you last eat?A bowl of cereal lol08: Played any sports?I played basketball as a kid, I ran cross country in middle school, and I did marching band in high school. 09: Do you bite your nails?Constantly. I accidentally gnawed down to one of my nail beds last night rip 10: When was your last physical fight?shit uhhhh idk? I come close to physical confrontation a lot but I don’t think I have been in a fight recently? 11: Do you like someone?I like a lot of people! lol. but romantically? yea i have,,,, some crushes................ im very gay it’s a problem 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?Yyyyyep. I pulled a couple all-nighters at uni. One to finish a project for an art class, and the others to make sure my roommate was safe when she stayed up 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?Yeah, I hate a lot of people. No one I know personally, but I hate a lot of nazis and also Donald Trump14: Do you miss someone?Yeah. Wish I didn’t, but it’s hard to get over things sometimes. 15: Have any pets?My family has a wonderful dog named Tumnus! He’s a gorgeous silken windhound. I also have an outdoor cat named Tib. 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?Pretty sick, and not too great, but I’m gonna try to make today good anyway 17: Ever made out in the bathroom?nah that’s nasty. so many germs,,, no one washes their hands. people shit in there 18: Are you scared of spiders?eh? i don’t like bugs and they make me feel creepy crawly stuff all over but I’ve been designated spider squisher at my apartments and stuff. and i like tarantulas 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?eh, enough to fix mistakes i’ve made? totally. but way back in time? absolutely not. i dont need smallpox thx20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?uhh a few weeks ago? 21: What are your plans for this weekend?I’m meeting up with one of my zukes! :D 22: Do you want to have kids? How many?nnnnnnope. i’d be a terrible parent and also i just don’t wanna 23: Do you have piercings? How many?yea i have one set of ear piercings. i wanna get more ear piercings tho and maybe a nose piercing. idk 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?science, language, art, music25: Do you miss anyone from your past?yep. wish i didn’t. they don’t deserve it. 26: What are you craving right now?snugs 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?not that i know of? 28: Have you ever been cheated on?nah i haven’t been in a romantic or sexual relationship so 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?i’ll apply this to my zukes and idk? have i? i mean maybe with headcanons or fics or something idk 30: What’s irritating you right now?my nose is all gunked up and there’s road work outside my house going constantly 31: Does somebody love you?i hope so 32: What is your favourite color?i like a lot of colors but i usually say pink and blue 33: Do you have trust issues?kinda? i trust my friends but i worry that they try to spare my feelings (these fears were Confirmed for some ppl who used to be very close friends so it’s,, bad.) 34: Who/what was your last dream about?uhhhh i don’t remember dreams that much but i def remember there was gay shit 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?i cry a lot, it’s hard to say. 36: Do you give out second chances too easily?sometimes 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?easier to forgive. i’ll forgive a lot but i don’t forget and i don’t always trust again 38: Is this year the best year of your life?idk. the first half was rly shitty 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?20. it was only a few weeks ago tbh 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?nah 51: Favourite food?idk tbh. i like a lot of foods 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?yea, kinda? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?messaged my zukes goodnight 54: Is cheating ever okay?never. 55: Are you mean?when it’s deserved ;356: How many people have you fist fought?i punched a friend once jokingly, and i regret it and feel so bad even years later lmao. my next fist fight will probably be with a nazi or somethin 57: Do you believe in true love?yea, but not exactly in the traditional sense 58: Favourite weather?chilly cloudy days, rain, thunderstorms, snow 59: Do you like the snow?yea!! 60: Do you wanna get married?idk.61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?no 62: What makes you happy?my friends, my fandoms, comedy, animals, nature, magic, art, the smell of books and holidays, making things, good food63: Would you change your name?i mean. i kinda have. legally? idk yet 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?nah dude i’d totally kiss her again if she wanted ;) 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?uhhh i don’t rly look at ppl in terms of sex? but gender? ehhhhh i don’t rly have an opposite gender so it’s hard to say. sorry im too special snowflake sjw uwu 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?i’ll just go with “different gender” for this and yes 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?i’ll go with “different gender” again and say my mom, i was talking to her about work 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?either Skye or my zukes again lol. most recent convo 69: Do you believe in soulmates?i believe in people you can spend forever with 70: Is there anyone you would die for? absolutely, but dying for people is easy. i’m trying my best to live for them until i have to 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

okay, so,

its refreshing for all of us—if its not i dont know why you want to be following me—to see lars’s insecurities show themselves again, and anyways the more i think about it all the more it just makes me think about how hard a time lars is likely to have on coming back to earth

for starters i feel like there is uncoincidentally a big overlap between people who consider re-alive lars to be essentially a different character from pre-dying lars & people who expect re-alive lars to suddenly be rid of all of lars’s character-defining issues—those stances are basically equivalent, anyways. and it annoys me b/c these ppl who wanna ignore pre-dying lars tend to wanna do so coz they hated him back then.

like im even annoyed when people want to imply that lars is getting Better in that he’s learning how not to be a bad person. like mmmmmm get out of my house

i know you all know but of course lars has never been a “bad person,” his worst sins have been to be difficult to deal with, and the kinds of mistakes that happen to anyone who’s interacted with other people. but it is depressingly reflective of dynamics between real ppl that frequent reactions to lars’s character is that he is Bad for being unpersonable or defensive. people dont know what it Actually looks like when ppl spend a long time feeling as though they have to protect themselves—e.g. how lots of ppl seem incapable of recognizing that lars is constantly doing so, and sadie too for that matter

so anyways long tangents abound in these things ugh....i’ll try to steer it towards this ep here lord

i know its simple to see it as kind of a “relapse” for lars to break down into his “old” self for a moment, but like i pretty much already said, i definitely dont think pink lars is really a New Lars and i am very confident that its not what is meant to be his character arc, to have actually changed overnight via one single event. lars has been given a lot of development and buildup, to have all the issues he’s been slowly working through suddenly be nonissues for him would be a waste of all the time and complexity he’s been given

(and also when ppl think lars is going from Bad/Worse to Better, i dont think he’s being a “better” person in the sense that he was ever a bad person, im always seeing it as him becoming more complex, him learning about himself, learning things from his mistakes, learning ways to be more comfortable with himself and others, as he’s very uncomfortable w both.)

i mean for starters, lars is v much the same after not dying—ive already heard plenty of other ppl mentioning this but the fact he feels he has to “deserve” being alive isnt really something to be like “wow lars finally realizes he’s crap, good for him” as “nobody should feel like they have to earn their existence, lars really has a crap sense of self-worth as we’ve often been shown.” but thats just our onions huh

anyhow this is the same lars as always and, imo, its not hard to guess why its only now that he’s showing real signs of his old concerns re: his relationships on earth

ppl say stuff like “the threat of death and actually dying mustve put things in perspective for lars and taught him that all the little things he was so scared of back on earth are really not a big deal after all!!” and first of all, thats not how anxiety works, and secondly, i think he still has all those same issues rn becoz

a) surviving is a very different process from handling anything else that happens to you, b) it must be so easy for him to compartmentalize himself rn, and c) last he was on earth, he was still very far from being secure in any part of his life, and had even suffered a setback in the form of backing out when he was as close as he’d ever been to hanging with the cool kids while being Sort Of Himself

and i do think that obviously it had an impact on him that steven said it was okay that he’s afraid. he clearly always responds strongly when people acknowledge the parts of himself he feels vulnerable about and tell him its actually ok that he’s that way. but just showing him a new way to feel abt parts of himself doesnt mean that he’s going to all at once be totally confident in everything abt himself, everything takes time

and he’s been dealing w this stuff for ages. so much of lars is abt feeling like he has to protect himself and keep people at a interpersonal distance because he’s afraid they’ll judge him badly and hate him, but he also wants so much to be close to people and be loved for who he is. we’ve seen him immediately and permanently break off a close friendship for ronaldo not fully understanding this about him and inadvertently threatening to violate lars’s need to be protected, and ever since then its likely that sadie is the first person he’s started to get close to on a personal level again, on account of how much a kindred spirit she is in terms of both of them being socially isolated and feeling like they have to hide their real thoughts/feelings and identities

so anyhow—ever since steven left the first time, the only thing about earth that lars has been dealing with is how to get back to it. he’s had no info about what’s actually going on back there and has only been able to imagine it—though, with the fact that they seem to have been busy & lars no longer needs (as much) to deal w such biological rhythms as sleeping every day, he might not have had a lot of time to dwell on it all that much. but im betting the idea of whats happening back home has definitely never really been forgotten by him, as the desire to return there is part of whats driving him to try stealing a spaceship anyways

but planning and executing cons and evading detection/capture/execution by enemy aliens is preoccupying stuff—and as well as things have been turning out for them, lars and the off colors have been dealing with life and death stuff constantly since steven left. surviving isnt the same as dealing with more everyday stuff, and the fact that lars can have confidence in these extreme circumstances doesnt mean that if he was dropped back into beach city and told to ask buck dewey for a high five, he’d be much more capable of doing it

in fact, confidence is just sort of a necessity for what theyre doing. its essentially what he did with the gem security probe bot things—once he got past the initial fear of confronting them at all, he just freakin went for it, because in that scenario its really just all or nothing, and it was clear that if he hesitated, one of the off colors could be killed. the same with their heists here—i have to imagine that once they started executing one step of their plan, they had to keep pushing forward. and just like back with the probes, he’s really fighting for the other off colors as much as himself. especially if he’s ended up in the position of the leader of the group—he suddenly has an effect on morale and cohesion, and his confidence is going to affect theirs. if he feels fear, showing it is going to make it much more likely to be fulfilled than if he was afraid while someone else was being the leader. so he’s in part got to show confidence for their sakes—and seeing as how successful they’ve been so far in all their antics, he probably hasnt yet had a reason to drop that confidence, and has been given reason to feel less close to death. keeping up the act out of habit + having their efforts rewarded would only make it easier for them all to feel bolder about everything they’re doing

and about the idea of compartmentalization. while the threat of death isnt very new to lars or to anyone in beach city, lars has kind of been exposed to a new level of it ever since being stuck on a spaceship as hostages traveling lightyears away from earth and all. before it was like, maybe a few minutes of mortal peril, this is having that fear prolonged for hours on end. and then, yknow, actually dying

and then steven leaves, and he’s left in a completely, literally alien world, with only people he’s never seen before, and to whom he’s an alien himself. and also he’s just died and he’s pink and magic now. and the off colors only know him as a human who’s just died to save them, and they don’t know anything about who he was on earth—which is a guy with a job he hates who most people dont take any notice of, who barely has any friends and cant make new ones, who gets bad grades & has a somewhat strained relationship w his parents. he’s unique to them as an off color human who comes from an incredibly different world, and their relationship with him is that he’s just immediately accepted them and died for them—despite their planet rejecting them and wanting them dead. meanwhile, on his end, he’s connected with the off colors at once for being outcast into isolation for being what others consider defective, as this parallels his own feelings towards feeling afraid of other people because he thinks they’ll consider him to have something wrong with him, or otherwise just hate him for who he is. and the off colors have immediately welcomed him, and then embraced him as belonging to their group for his off coloredness. he was willing to save them from the same fate he was experiencing by letting them all go back to earth without him, but they didnt, and that must have meant a ton to him. being not only wholeheartedly accepted, but being so valued, all basically immediately, is pretty much what lars has always been wanting and what he’s always been sure he’ll never get

and they have no idea how ordinary and unremarkable he’d be considered on earth. they don’t know that he’s someone a lot of people would look down on, and they don’t know how much he looks down on himself. all of that stuff is back on earth, and with the off colors, lars’s whole world is suddenly limited to these 5-11 gems, all of whom support him completely and with whom he’s just bonded intensely with right off—they take him and steven in, he dies protecting them, they stay behind to protect him, they’re all banded together to help each other survive. the camaraderie in situations of life and death is a hell of a factor

they’ve all been dealing with this life and death stuff constantly up to the point that steven and connie show up, and theyre still dealing with it when they do. its entirely different from anything lars has ever been doing on earth, even when they were “surviving” on the island—there was only one gem to worry about there, and they were still on earth. the reason “pink lars” could seem like a different character to someone (sort of uplifted outlook, friendliness to everyone, lack of fear) is because lars hasnt been confronted with any situation on homeworld that would ask anything different from him. being confident about surviving isnt the same as being confident about making a new friend. being optimistic about plans to survive as the leader of a group isnt the same as lars being at home, having no motivation to Succeed at getting good grades. and he’s comfortable with all the off colors, and steven as well. and their confidence in him can only bolster it further in himself—he doesnt have to feel that fear that theyre judging him, because the kind of bond afforded by surviving together builds a lot of trust very quickly, and he knows what they think of him and how positive it is. and he knows what he needs to do to help the group, especially in the position of a leader, needing to represent their collective assurance in their survival

so thinking about that also leads to questions about what’ll happen when he’s back on earth. he’s just been having space adventures and leading escapes that rebel against an entire murderous intergalactic regime. he’s been a spaceship captain, is he really gonna be able to step back into a crap customer job again? to go back to school? to even go about a daily routine? and he’s been living constantly with the threat of death and engaging in efforts where they’ve been in very direct and real danger of being killed. thats not going to be a mindset he can just step out of, even upon being back in familiar territory. i know other ppl have been saying it, but im just wanting to agree—between living in a hostile environment and having to take constant measures to survive along with multiple occasions of intense danger, and along with actually being violently killed, lars has plenty of reasons to come away with ptsd.

and if he and the off colors all hopefully return to earth together, i also would imagine that he’d be more prone to want to stay with them? it’s not like he’d be “well, bye!” @ them, even if they were also staying in beach city. he’d just grown intensely close with them & survived with them, they’d been his only company, he’s being their captain—and even back on earth, the off colors are more friends than he’s ever made in his whole life. not only is the Survival Mode Routine w them going to be difficult to shake off, but he’s been vastly more successful in all sorts of areas as an off color than he’s ever been just as lars on earth

and bringing all that around to this specific episode: i think that lars kind of knows that his disappearance from beach city, essentially his death—and the fact that he actually did die—isnt having much of an impact on earth. to most people he’s the big donut employee, he doesnt have very many (any?) friends outside of sadie and steven—and despite the fact that the cool kids like him better than he thinks they do, he’s still not really part of their friend group, and i think he’s been aware of that, and that awareness has been amplified by his anxieties. i mean, the whole thing with the new lars is that he came away thinking that everyone likes him better when he’s literally 0% himself, except for sadie & steven. while the experience happened to reveal that sadie likes him for who he really is, difficulties and all, he’s not likely to have forgotten the rest of it, especially with how much harder rejection hits him.

and really i’m sure the only people he’s expecting to miss him is his parents and sadie. (and steven.) and obviously his parents do—its kind of weird they didnt send a note or anything, but then again it’s clear that his parents probably never really knew what to say to lars back on earth, much less when he’s in space—also, do they know that he died? but tbh i think its a nice sign that they sent him his skull gauges. given that he actually likes them, and the way i see it its implied that past a certain age theres been a disconnect between lars and his parents and they havent understood who he is, and seem to have been seeing lars only for the front he puts up—and not really supporting that, either. at least sending him gauges he likes is a step towards being able to really communicate with him

and so anyway, it was pretty unfortunate the way that steven started off re the topic of sadie, obviously, lol....w a mix of just kind of cluelessness & the characteristic yet sometimes misguided approach that putting a positive spin on something unpleasant is always what’s appropriate. and i imagine that steven figures lars misses earth, so giving him happy news is whats best. but of course lars is also expecting that sadie, who really is his mutual best friend & im guessing sort-of-almost gf, is sad that he’s gone? so its weird to hear that she’s thriving. and also bad.

i mean, it’s actually really nice? coz the reasons that sadie quit the big donut finally isnt just that it sucks, coz its been crap the whole time. but she didnt have lars there with her anymore, and doubtless losing lars to an alien world and hearing that he died and all is also just one of those sort of Brush With Death deals where, even though it wasnt her doing the brushing, kind of shakes up someones perspective. and perchance lets someone jump into something like finally pursuing her interests and actually having fun and hanging out with people, something sadie doesnt really seem to have ever had the chance to do before. coz your bf just got sent to space and died and revived. fuckin yolo, wild shit could happen at any moment, and also there’s probably motivation to avoid all the pain of thinking abt how lars might never make it back to earth

but lars doesnt have that context!! he doesnt know that sadie was stressed out and sad about him. coz when he asked about it, nobody told him that part. coz, yknow, why would it make lars feel good to hear about sadie being sad! but its not like it would make him feel good, but he still needs to hear about it to be okay. but thats complex stuff, the difference between being okay and being painfree

but like i said, lars is never told that sadie does miss him and has said so, he just has to accept the knowledge that she’s just like, in a band now and having a high time of it. and he does! coz yknow, its a metaphor. he has no other information to go on abt her reaction and has to choose to not be hurt by it solely because, prior to this, he knew she cared about him. he’s afraid that this means she doesn’t really care about him and he’s going to be further hurt by this, but he has to let his shields down via fully trusting that she’s not doing anything to hurt him because she cares about him, and he does, and then he has more captain stuff to worry about

but i think that of course, he still needs to know that sadie is sad about him. but how weird is it to only know that she’s having a lot of fun rn?? like, maybe he could really sit down and think abt it and guess that she quit b/c he’s not there anymore. but he doesnt have that time to sit down and think, and of course that wouldnt be his immediate reaction, because his first impression is going to be biased in the direction of all his fears about nobody actually liking him. and speaking of, its like, doubly bad that she was in a band w the cool kids lol. coz remember, like the very last thing he did on earth was fail to try to hang out with them As Himself when he got as close to doing that as he’d ever been!! he still doesnt think that they like him. and sadie really only made friends with them right after lars disappeared, coz she just happened to be chillin at the meetup too, and realized that despite all lars’s impressions abt them, they’re actually not hard to get an in with at all. but lars doesnt know that. so how weird is it that sadie is in a band w them when, as far as he knows, you can only get in with them with a crap ton of effort at being really cool?? of course he would be taken the fuck aback that she’s hanging with them

(and despite not feeling like their friend yet it’s probably not fun either to see that the cool kids are also just kickin back on a musical tour when he’s all functionally dead and stuff)

of course if you look through it w the lens of “how could being sad about lars lead sadie to this point,” you can eventually get it to fit one way or another

but being told that sadie is doing really well when he asks about her is going to throw lars off, and he isnt going to look through that lens, he’s going to be looking through the lens of all his worst fears, and hearing that sadie is actually in a way doing the best she’s ever done is of course going to make him think that she’s doing great because he’s gone. after all, “lars dies” is the cause, “sadie thrives” is the eventual effect, and lars doesnt hear about the in-between steps where she became friends with the cool kids by coincidence while actually trying to be his moral support, and she got the motivation to actually go after stuff she wanted due to lars’s disappearance breaking up the routine of her life and leaving her with basically no reason to hang on to it anyways. and with lars always being so scared that nobody is going to want to be around him or care for him, his first reaction isnt going to be assuming that he’s missing something at all. he’s not going to immediately think that this must somehow be because of the fact sadie misses him. it looks like she’s doing great BECAUSE he’s gone, and he’s going to accept that at face value because he’s so predisposed to think that its true, but it hurts him all the same and that makes him angry about it

it says something about how close he and sadie’s gotten, though, that he was so quickly convinced to trust her, to be certain that she really does care about him the same way he cares about her. i mean again, he and ronaldo presumably used to be bffs too, but after one offense in which it seemed from his perspective like ronaldo didnt really care abt hurting him or not, lars ended the relationship all at once to the point that they essentially stepped right back into that argument all those yrs later. but he didnt do that here—and also it probably helps that he’s no longer so young and both he and his relationships are more complex.

he’s patched over the initial panic that says sadie cares about him so little she doesn’t even mourn him but even is happy he’s gone, and he’s chosen to trust that, whatever the reason she’s doing so well when he’s all having died and in hostile alien territory, it’s not because she doesn’t love him—but he still doesn’t know that she’s actually sad he’s gone!! he just has to assume that she is, which is kinda hard for him, what with the godawful sense of self-worth and all. he doesn’t know that anyone in beach city is mourning him, and the one person he’d’ve thought would be sad at all would be sadie, but the first thing he hears about her is that she’s not sad at all.

and even if he manages to continue staving off all his insecurities re sadie until he gets back to earth, i’m still wondering if its going to still be weird upon his being reunited with her!! coz it all just depends a lot on chance. she’s also left to guess whats going on with him, and it’s probably going to be a bit of a surprise that he’s the captain of a spaceship he stole along with his new alien friends. also he’s experienced death, and is pink and has a cooler face scar. its not like i think that’d be enough to keep the initial reunion from being happy, but what do you do with all that when you’re trying to figure out what life is now? sadie is the front for a band now and lars is an official space rebel with a growing roster of space crimes, itd be weird even if one of them was living a normal life while the other went and did that thing. i’ve always figured that, as lars and sadie developed their relationship, lars would be the one to be most nervous about the idea that their sharing of a workplace would be the only thing keeping them together. and now that they have probably permanently been stripped of that bond of sharing those hrs in the same place, and have the additional shakeup of having been developing these new identities while apart from each other, how can they not worry about that? its like “someone goes away to college in a different town” x 100

thats not to say i dont think they’ll figure it out, because i do. and it could work out that theyre both only excited and curious abt the changes in each others life. but i doubt it, b/c i think that just coz theyre both in roles where they have a lot more confidence than they used to doesnt mean that theyre actually suddenly free of these lifelong & continuing issues theyve been dealing with. and not to mention that i figure that when lars left earth they’d only been sortakinda-maybe-preliminary-dating rather than officially together—though i do think they kinda both understood better than ever how the other felt about them, and were of course further along in understanding how to treat the other re: having learned from both of their mistakes w this in the past

but its like, when lars actually ends up standing in beach city again, whats gonna happen? he’s still gonna feel like the captain to the off colors who needs to help the others survive, and the others are probably gonna feel most comfortable with lars staying with them too, after all. and if he steps back into his life prior to dying, he becomes a nobody again. and if he’d been having trouble with getting his parents to really understand who he is before, how tf is it gonna get easier with all of this new stuff? and how will he feel about being with sadie if he’s got the idea in the back of his head that since his departure only meant good things for her life, his return might ruin things for her again? and the way things were when they were together isnt what its like for either of them anymore? and would he have the confidence to ask about how she felt abt him being stuck on homeworld, even if he needs to hear it? it just seems like its going to be so hard for him to step back into things on earth. he certainly cant step back into the life he used to have, and there’s really no obvious way for him to fit in in any new role, and im sure in the back of his head he knows that too. and that would have to extend to his relationship with sadie—they cant pick up right where they left off, and he cant be sure that the way they both are now is going to lead to them fitting back together on earth again. but at least he knows he has the off colors, and thats all he can really focus on currently anyways.

but i think he can at least have real hope that sadie is still interested in being his friend. thats a nice hope to have. and that his parents will be excited to see him and all

but tbh im not so sure anybody else is going to be excited abt lars being back, and thats depressing af. i mean, they’re definitely going to notice if someone lands another spaceship in town, and they’d notice that he’s pink, but its like, “oh, you were gone?” and i cant imagine thats not going to be hard to face. not like lars wasnt painfully aware of how few people he was at all close to, but its still different having it demonstrated like that—lars is basically getting the chance to see how people react to his essential death, which coincidentally involved his actual death. and i think that reaction is going to be a 99% nonreaction. and he’s not even sure that the one person who really was getting to know him in a really & truly personal, intimate way was even sad about what happened to him. thats fuckin rough

and thats another reason he might not want to step out of his role as space captain. he’s got the fact he’s been thrown into that new life, the fact he’s used to fighting for survival and thats not something you feel like you can let up even for a moment, the fact that hes gotten so quickly attached to the off colors & the fact he’s found more acceptance there than he ever has in his life—and if he goes back to being lars the donut boy, he’s that same person where only a handful of ppl would give it a second thought if he suddenly disappeared. but as an off color, he’s surrounded by friends who he knows he can count on, and who he can be even better than his best for, and he can do amazing things. and he was clearly never much happy with anything abt his donut boy life.

which is another tricky thing—when sadies old life kinda crumbled apart, she found a way to jump into stuff she wanted to do. but lars hasnt really been someone who was like, unhappy because there was something he was unable to do—he’s just been unhappy. its not as though now, being able to come back and potentially make a new role for himself in beach city, there’s anything in particular it makes sense for him to pursue—so far the things he likes has been baking, watching underground wrestling, hanging out with sadie, trying to hang with the cool kids. i guess he could start a bakery but its not like he got a lot of money while in space, and just because you like to do something doesnt mean you want that as your job. and i dont think any job in particular is something he’d be interested in, given that the big donut sucks. and it’ll be fun to see if he is actually interested anymore in trying to befriend the cool kids since he’s got a bunch of friends in the off colors—though of course that’d just be the way, that since he doesnt care abt it anymore, he’s finally able to not worry what they think and thus realize they were never about to hate him after all

still its like...what can he do? if he’s dragged back into something like the framework of his old life, he might really suffer for it, what with how much of a struggle it’d be. i wonder if he’d want to continue being involved in gem stuff, be aware of what the people who could hurt the off colors are all up to currently. the one thing i could think of as a future role for him—he does feel an immediate connection with gems who feel outcast from homeworld. send him all those amethysts to hang with. all the bottom tier gems and fusions and defective gems. anyways, at least i cant imagine that in future conflicts his instinct isnt going to be to step back into that role of fighting off all homeworld gems who threaten the off colors

but all the traits he uses in that role dont necessarily translate into being a human in beach city again—and the fact that when he’s not constantly needing to fend off death, he’s just lars again, and back in beach city he still has to pick up where he left off, he’s still who he’s always been. how hard is it going to be to no longer have that solid goal of Get Safely Back To Earth? how hard is it going to be that he’s largely not missed by anyone, especially now that he can contrast it with the friendship he’s found in the offcolors? how hard is it going to be to think of actually living on earth, now that he’s not like any other human and yet he’s still the same guy who worked at the big donut and had no friends and no particular direction?

actually thats another thing thats weird, he’s pink now, it could be uncomfortable to get a lot of attention since he’s a bit afraid of it, and it could potentially be unwelcome because of how it contrasts w how invisible he is just as his nonpink self. but i guess its lucky beach city ppl are used to weird stuff, and i dont think anyone who already knew him from adam will particularly care

and he doesnt much eat or sleep? it’s strange enough pulling an all nighter, how estranging from the world must it be to just not sleep. hmm

and here’s a tangent: i’m still really not sure lars will age normally. he IS still alive, and does still have a functioning circulatory system, but its way slowed down. and his way slowed down metabolism probably means that, while not actually ageless like a gem (tho are they really like, undying? even without breaking, gems arent permanent) he’s likely to have an incredibly extended lifespan. thats really something to grapple with, though at least it wont be immediately relevant. maybe him and steven both, eh.

and speaking of again, count me in as Heartwarmed w how effortlessly lars accepts steven hugs. maybe steven can finally get that high five from lars. but ever since the first episode ive been eagerly awaiting the day that stevens little brother status goes from “annoying as hell” to just the loving and protective parts. i am glad to be justified

but really, it’s going to have to be hard for lars, and im not sure where he’s going to find himself belonging, especially when it seems like this trip into space is only going to make it clearer than ever how tenuous his connections to people were. like, if he felt like he didnt belong before.............

and how he and sadie are going to relate when theyve both had to go on completely separated and unsure of the others status for the whole time. and lars has also had no additional info or closure about the guilt he has for being too scared to help sadie w topaz. at first i was assuming that lars reacting to sadie’s apparent revelry in his absence as potentially being revenge was just abt all the times they’d had conflict in the past, but then im like “oh yeah he was probably assuming she’s furious at him over leaving her behind and maybe even hates him and now steven is saying she’s really happy and your fears are confirmed” so he’s got to confront that too. clearly they both care about each other, but they always kind of struggle to communicate that, because of how much they struggle to communicate with anyone. but at least they’ve always been learning how to work together better and they’ve also just been getting closer, i.e. even more motivated to go out on a limb for their relationship

and lars is still going out on a limb—he’s probably been stewing quietly in the fear that sadie really is incredibly angry at him, and to be given evidence of how unprecedentedly happy she is now that he’s gone, while having no evidence about her initial reaction, that really had to play into all his worst fears and insecurities with the person who he felt closest to in the world. but he’s choosing to trust that she still cares about him anyways and risk being hurt by the possibility that she doesn’t. and those defenses he keeps up to hold people at a distance from which they can’t hurt him are not exactly easy to drop—but he has, and i think thats a sign of why he and sadie will be able to figure themselves out anyways. he does trust that she loves him too much to be trying to spite him or actually be happy that he’s gone. he trusts her, and at least one of them feels more confident with their role on earth. and it also helps that i think they know how they feel about each other. and they’re going to be happy to see each other, no matter what. aka i dont think their relationship relies on being coworkers anymore, and i think its deepened enough that a bit of awkwardness and some changes won’t be enough to kill it. and if they have some shit they need to talk out, what else is new? its just that they both still have their old issues and insecurities—But Hey Thats Why We Love Them

the irony is that im preparing for all the complications not only b/c i like to theorize abt all things that could happen & b/c i am Ready To Suffer always, but b/c i am being guarded abt never expecting a euphoric reunion of exuberance and totally kissing. still! cant believe we’ve already been gifted with a kiss—the best kind too, a gross crying snot one. thank god for the dnuts. just more than ready for them to have a dating kiss, yet more than ready for it to not happen for another four years. psike i dont really expect it to be that long. i dont want to talk abt how long we might have to wait for more content though. idk

well anyhow i’ve gone and lost track of what ive been talking about or if i said any or everything i was originally intending to say, so that makes it a real Lars Essay in my book

ive been talking abt lars in my head for the past hr so

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal!

i am doing a lot better mentally and i’ve received a ton of free food so im one happy gal, haha! i know i had a pretty rough start the first few days of this week but I am doing a lot better now. I’m feeling much more optimistic! 

Real quick before I dive into this... I made a comment on Angela’s interest in Dear Evan Hansen and made a “mock” argument of sorts with her and went unnecessarily into detail on a stupid topic and I thought it’d just be fun banter at first but from her tone in response, I think she actually took me seriously? So I just messaged her to clear the air bc I really do want to get better and avoid offending or hurting anyone bc that’s really not my intention.

I do want to care more about how others feel and think in an understanding sense but not so much in a im afraid what they’ll think of me sense. bc i dont want to fall down that path. i think the biggest thing i need to remember is my confidence and to rest assured that I am made perfectly in God’s image but to more importantly, come from a place of love when I am talking to other people. “Am I really caring about how they feel and think right now? How can I best serve them to do that?” Those kinds of thoughts. Which is different from “What do they think of me? Did I do something wrong? What can I do so they like me?” It isn’t an issue of how they view me but rather how I can best serve them. Which, I think the line will get pretty cloudy down the line but so long as I remember this, I think I’ll be fine.

I also worry for Jason bc like I mentioned before, I think he’s in a position where he feels the need to take care of everyone in a world where everyone is too afraid to approach anyone themselves. And I really don’t think Angela likes me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I pushed her too much or said something ill timed. My theory is that when she found out someone else goes to Columbia, she was hoping I would be her saving grace of sorts and we’d immediately click. But we didn’t. And I didn’t save her. Because we’re just very different people. She calls me out for things pretty often and I do appreciate her blunt nature but sometimes, it is a bit discouraging. If I knew she was calling me out from a place of love and caring, I think I would be fine. But it feels like she’s constantly judging me. And I worry that she vents to Jason about me and he feels the need to defend me because we’re friends. And I don’t want him to face that. No wonder he’s been feeling so burnt out recently. He can be immature at times but other times, he’s above us all. He’s been through a lot and been forced to grow because of it. His sense of humor is immature but mentally, he’s way wiser than us all. At least, us college kids. No wonder he would prefer to hangout with Catalyst over us. I thought I was pretty mature and could match his level but I think I was wrong. Especially after everything he told me and how poorly I initially responded to it. I must admit that I’m not as mature as I originally thought. Maybe I’m just surrounded by a bunch of people less mature than I am. A lot of the times, I think I’m only prideful bc of my low self esteem but that’s not true. I’m actually insanely prideful and it blinds me a lot. When I speak with clarity, I know that it’s true and I have full confidence in what I say. But lately, I have been speaking in the heat of the moment, clouded with emotions. And that’s...a pretty immature thing to do. I need to pray for more guidance and wisdom and clarity from God bc I can’t do this without Him. I do genuinely want to get better. I do genuinely want to exude passion and wisdom and love. I do think I used to be an incredibly compassionate person but I’ve fallen a long way since then. Just because I’m “wise” around my sister doesn’t mean I’m always super mature. I definitely have my own flaws and weaknesses and it would do me good to be more aware of those things. To not speak before I’ve gathered all the facts and to actually take into account how everyone else is feeling and where they are before speaking. 

I was salty before that P. Josh didn’t appoint me as outreach person instead of Christine but I’ve definitely rubbed some people the wrong way. In trying to reach out, I messed up our relationship without realizing it and that’s on me. I didn’t realize I had hurt Chaeweon. I thought we both just grew busy. We were both filled with so much excitement at first and then it just went so bad so fast. And that was totally my fault for not realizing I made her feel stupid and less than. That was never my intention but I do admit I felt good when I bragged about my own decision making skills. Instead of trying to be empathetic with her, I made myself look better and that was really wrong of me. And I do genuinely feel bad. I do want to apologize though I don’t know if it would actually help anything. She said it was fine but I think she was still hurt. And I don’t want to apologize for the sake of making myself feel better but I want to make sure my intentions are pure and true and apologize with her in mind.

Sigh.

Iiii apologized! We’ll see how she responds but I don’t really expect her to respond at all. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. Maybe it was just for myself or maybe it was God placing it on my heart to say something. Who knows. But I do know that I want to make the most of these opportunities when I feel like I should do something. Whether that’s to reach out to someone sitting alone or apologize or give food to the homeless or sing on the streets, I want to do it with full confidence and unashamedly! Because I’m walking with the Lord on my side. And if I shall die today, then I shall die today because that is His Will and I trust in what He says.

But yeah! I’m actually not sure when I last posted was but yesterday, I just had History of Communication Design and thankfully, I got the full credit! I was so scared bc I totally knocked out from exhaustion the night prior instead of working on my homework for Graphic Design III and Developing a Marketing Plan. Wow, my brain is all over the place. Backtrack.

SO! On WEDNESDAY, I had negotiation skills and graphic design III but my DMP homework was DUE at 12:30pm that day. Which is why I was stressing! So I quickly finished my American Girl Research and then worked on Facebook on the bus! I was going to work on it offline but then the extension didn’t work and then I was going to wait it out but my worries got the best of me and I just turned on my data and worked on it on my phone with my research opened in front of me on my laptop and quickly turned it in. I wish I didn’t worry so much about the formatting because Gina showed us an example of a really good one in class the next day and if I had only known that we had the freedom to break apart from the mold, I would have done that too! Ahhhhhhhhhhh. But oh well. Now I know! But in DMP, I remember we got into our groups and I got along with everyone really well! It is kind of hard bc in everyday conversation, I feel the need to constantly be checking myself and wondering if I’m saying “I” too much or being selfish or making the conversation about me instead of actually listening.

I can’t find my mouse but I guess I’ll find it later. Oh shoot! When I start typing, my cursor disappears from the screen! Interesting...anyways. I got along really well with my groupmates and I did falter under immediate pressure but picked myself back up relatively quickly! But we talked about Jane the Virgin, Titanic, BBC shows, The Walking Dead, and a bunch of other things and I’m really blessed to be in their group! At least that’s how I feel for now. We’ll see how I feel once we actually start working on the project...in fact, I’m going to try and finish my part of the research today so that I don’t forget about and can just get it over and done with now. Because I have so many responsibilities, I’m always afraid that I’m going to forget something. Speaking of which, I need to remember I have a meeting with Jenny tonight at 10pm! AHHH! MUST. REMEMBER! But yeah! I just closed Facebook bc the longer I stare at it, the more I’m going to expect a response and I don’t want to make any more mistakes so I just closed the tab so as to no longer think about it. 

I’ll write more about Wednesday and Friday in a bit but first, I want to type this out.

When Jason revealed to me the areas in which I lack, I got to thinking some more and wondered what areas I have lacked in the past and how I could have done better. Yearbook has been the bane of my existence and that is something that I can never really escape. But for a while, I just blamed them for everything. For treating me poorly. For not making an effort to get along with me. But honestly, I never made an effort to get along with them either. I just let them do them and let me do me. But I’ve always wondered. There are definitely some people who I just know are always talking smack about me and I always wondered if the van ligten’s thought i was doing that to them. I remember when Jasmine called me and I missed it but called back in worry, hoping she was okay. And by her tone and what she said, I think they thought I thought I was cooler than them. But I never did. I had a lot of anxiety and depression and I was really struggling at home. But I never let them in. I never let them know or made an effort to be friends with them. And that was partly my fault. I did micromanage a lot and was very controlling. And I was insanely prideful for having expected the position of EIC so early on. I was absolutely heartbroken when that happened and I felt like my whole life was a sham. But without it, I never would’ve come back to God. He really did break me. So fully. And I definitely broke. But whatever I would’ve felt as EIC does not compare to the newfound love I have with God in my life. I want to constantly strive to do better. I want to be more than what I am here on this Earth. And I know that with Him on my side, anything is possible.

But back to Wednesday! It started raining! And I took up another shift at work! I was kind of freaking out bc I wasn’t sure if I just made a grave error in choosing to work 4 days a week again with all these extra responsibilities and priorities. But I think I’ll be okay! At least I hope so! But I went to Waffle Wednesday and briefly spoke with Claire, Jamal, and this other girl whose name I cannot remember...and it was great! Graphic Design III went pretty smoothly and I feel like Dan was weirdly nice to me this past week during that class and the week prior? Maybe he’s just trying to be a nicer person but it’s borderline flirting. But he also definitely has a girlfriend so I’ve been kinda confused... Regardless, I’m going to continue observing and see if he really is being extra nice or if I’m just tripping. I also told Evelyn about it in class today and she said that she noticed him talking to her more recently when he never usually did so maybe he just had a change of heart? Who knows. I don’t think I want him to ask me out. If he did, I think I would just be stunned and need to get back to him. I think a part of me hopes that he does want to so that I know I’m a desirable person and I would be tempted to say yes but ultimately say no bc I do know I have so much of my own baggage to sort through still and I think I would constantly be trying so hard to please him and be the version of me that he likes instead of just being able to relax with my partner in crime. So...that’s that. But after class. it was pouring rain! And I had no umbrella! So I put my stussy jacket over my backpack and just went for it in the rain bc I needed to go grocery shoppping! And honestly, my groceries were not nearly as expensive as I was afraid they’d be so I really hope tomorrow night goes well for the potluck! ^_^ This is my first real opportunity to host so I want to do well! :D

And then today... it was pretty straightforward and simple. I waited a bit for the bus this morning and was afraid I’d miss pancakes but I didn’t! And it was so much better than I could’ve ever imagined! There was bacon, sausage, and two types of pancakes! And all my favorite people were there! So many people from my work or people I’ve had past classes with or different faculty members I got along with really well. I was really happy! I laughed in joy with a girl I vaguely remember and everytime someone left from our table, another person would join. And I’m really so glad and blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people and feel so at home. Once again, I feel much more at home with the people at school than I ever have with the people at church.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Then I worked on some homework, went to History of Communication Design with Hannah, got along with a couple new people, yelled at Richard from across the room, got my questions answered, and overall, had a good time. Then I went to my e-board meeting, we had fun, fooled around, danced, and got a lot done. Then Tina and I spent some good time together just chatting it up in the weird 618/624 building hybrid room and I’m glad. I went to the 9th floor, thinking I could get my textbook hw done but unfortunately, IT WAS CLOSED. So I just went home instead. Oh! Joyce also gave Tina and I both food to take home and it was bomb.com! Anyway, my week started pretty shitty but it got progressively better and I feel both honored and blessed.

Thank you God!

[slowlifeaway]

Look who’s bored (again) and decided to do random questions: Random questions by questionlisting @ tumblr

1. Do you bite or lick ice cream? lick lol, my oversensitive teeth cant bear cold 

2. What is home to you? where im feeling myself best

3. What was the last lie you told? i was busy this weekend

4. Does everyone deserve the truth? i guess?

5. What is the creepiest toy ever made? furby lmao

6. Describe a moment in which you did something unacceptable in a bad situation. actually scolded my friend for eating too much cos her size was reaching XL and i was pretty sure i made her feel bad 

7. List two things that are more easily done than said. (No, I didn't mix them up.) wha?

8. When was the last time you worked really hard to achieve something? cant remember :/ thats how stagnant my life/work life is

9. How many all nighters have you pulled? 1 probably. I love sleeping.

10. If humans didn't evolve to laugh or smile, how would we express our happiness instead? soft gesture.

11. How many romantic "things" or "flings" have you had? 1

12. What is your paradise? where i can no longer worry about anything

13. What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) i love asmr! and sound of cafe (glass clinking, people murmuring, keyboard tapping sounds)

14. How many hearts do you think you have broken? 3? and a lot more if it involves my family.

15. What is the most important thing about electronics? they made human lives easier

16. Why do people care about celebrities? Do you care about celebrities? cos they are attractive, yeah i do.

17. What is the most annoying thing someone can do to you? pestering me about something im not comfortable with

18. Do you overexaggerate? yes lmao

19. Have you played any instruments before? Which instruments? flute

20. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? sometimes, if i feel good enough to put makeup

21. List 3 things you like about yourself? i kinda made money more than my peers, my individuality, and my ability to remember songs/lyrics/melodies

22. What is the best advice someone has ever given you? if you practice, you’ll get better

23. Do you have what it takes to raise a child? Why or why not? no. i cant even held my life together

24. How do you cheer yourself up after a bad day? good food and a reaaaaaly long nap

25. When was the last time you felt awkward? oh i do that everyday

26. Are you introverted or extroverted? Or a mixture of both? 85% introvert

27. What constitutes a good friend? being able to put up with me is good enough

28. Would you rather have a lot of friends to hang out with or just one best friend? one best friend

29. In a regular day, what do you not want to hear? bad news?

30. What is your dream job? bakery, florist, idek i have many lol

31. Is it better to be lazy but smart or hardworking but unintelligent? lazy but smart

32. What is a truth about yourself that others find hard to believe? i dated lmao

33. What have you always wondered about the other gender? how does it feel when you have to hide your arousal in public AHAHAHA

34. Which fantasy world would you like to visit the most? kingdom hearts’ twilight town

35. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. those that feel superior to you and ignore you when you care

36. Imagine that you have switched bodies with someone you don't know. You can't switch back. What do you do? i’ll find where my original body is

37. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? i’d memorise, burn and then sell fake recipe.

38. What is the most important, applicable class you have ever taken? cooking class

39. Name the last book you read. Lagom: The Swedish Art of Balanced Living

40. Imagine that you are unable to express emotion. How would this affect your world? yeah totally

41. When was the last time you made the first move? long long time ago

42. What is your opinion on electronic music such as dubstep or trap? i dont enjoy them

43. What was the last movie you watched? MI6

44. Do you like and appreciate your life? yeah i do

45. Do you like and appreciate yourself? depends on my mood

46. When was the last time you cried? like..an hour ago when i watch youtube lol

47. What are you scared of? not being able to live up my parents expectation

48. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? being awkward in front of old and new friend 

49. What are some of your hobbies? sleeping, reading, swimming

50. What is a superficial yet annoying mistake you constantly make? im lazy

51. Are you a good friend? What makes you a good friend? If not, what makes you a bad friend? i care. i listen, but im very bad at giving advice.

52. Do you honestly learn from your mistakes? idek man

53. What have you learned the hard way? life isnt as great as what i’ve imagined

54. What is the most important thing to have in order to attain happiness? be yourself

55. Which medium do you use for expressing your artistic emotions? (Singing, writing, etc.) i sing a lot, and draw a lot

56. Are you a creative or a logical thinker? mix of both

57. What is the smartest thing you have ever done? save money lol

58. What is your ideal meal? fresh and savoury

59. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? breaking up on the spot

60. Do you like animals? Which kind is your favorite? dog is my fav animal ever

61. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? overloading employee with works or design revision is illegal after 5 revisions LOL

62. Do you have any guilty pleasures? yeeeee

63. What is the best thing that the internet has ever created? MEMES, definitely memes.

64. Do you like playing video games? Which video games? Kingdom Hearts

65. What is your opinion on beauty in today's society? it’s too much

66. Are you a morning person? When do you usually wake up? no. 9:20 AM

67. Do you have a favorite Disney movie? Character? A Cinderella Story, Sora

68. Would you rather live in the city or in the countryside? countryside pls

69. Would you rather live near the ocean or in the mountains? near the ocean

70. What are the best things about winter? christmas is coming

71. What scares you most about the future? career and me settling down

72. What makes you feel old? when all the youngsters enter workforce

73. How many hours do you spend on the computer or phone on average?  almost 12 hours it actually scares me

74. What are some of your New Year's resolutions?  lose weight hahahaha

75. What is your life story in 6 words? emotional introvert struggles with meme-filled life

76. Describe yourself in one word. average

77. What bad habits do you do? overthinking

78. What genre of music do you listen to? pop, classical, country, soft rock

79. Most prominent childhood memory? first time going to a movie

80. Imagine if you had an older brother. If you already have one, what is it like? If you don't, how would this change your life? life probably easier lol, but i will never change my brother though. 

81. Spirit animal? raccoon

82. Do you believe in horoscopes? yes?

83. What is the worst advice you've ever been given? i dont remember, perhaps it sucks so much it doesnt have existence in my memory

84. List the 3 most important people in your life right now. my parents, my friends, my grandma

85. Favorite memory of your family. travelling together

86. What do you look for in a relationship? someone i can open up to

87. Do you have a role model? Why or why not? melodee morita, marzia, all these amazing ladies that is doing great things in life

88. What is your opinion on social media? neat

89. Are you a pessimist or an optimist? 50% 50%

90. List some things that you think are overpriced? designer anything

91. What is your worst memory or creepiest experience? being stalked inside subway until my stop

92. What superpower would ruin the world? nuclear anything

93. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? makeup and girly things ahahah!

94. What lessons have you learned from movies and which movies were they? this question is tiring for me hahahha

95. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go? sweden

96. How do you approach people? talk to them

97. What is your opinion on first impressions? important

98. What are some things you did as a child that you no longer do? play with neighbour, sending letters

99. What languages can you speak? indonesian, english, very basic chinese and very limited japanese, and im trying to learn swedish

100. What do you think society will be like in 30 years? i hope better than today

101. What do you do on your lazy days? sleeping

102. What ended your last relationship? we both ignore each other when i left for college

103. Favorite food? currently: jjangmyeon

104. What is the most terrifying dream you've ever had? someone i love dearly passed away

105. When was the last time you got seriously angry? idek, i have no feelings hahahaa

106. What was the last friendship you broke? junior high

107. Do you have any pet peeves? none

108. Who was the last person you gave a hug to? my friend

109. When was the last time you got seriously stressed? last week

110. What part of your personality do you want to change? cowardice 

111. Who is the most positively influential person in your life right now? my friend who is younger but more mature than me

112. What is your biggest motivation? my family, 

113. What did you want to be when you were little? just a normal person with a very happy life lol

114. What are some things that you are good at? typography?

115. What is one thing you want to be good at? motion graphics, socializing

116. What distracts you the most, especially when you're trying to work? feels haha

117. How important is privacy to you? VERY

118. If you could create one social norm, what would it be? no idea

119. What's the craziest lie you've ever told? hmmm

120. What story do you like to tell about yourself at parties? any fun stories

121. What is the lamest thing that you have seen someone do? people licking back their spit lol

122. What is the stupidest thing you've done to impress someone?  i never tried this

123. What is your morning routine? wake, bath, skincare, work

124. What's the last thing you did that is worth remembering? i resigned hoho

125. If karma was coming back to you, would it help or hurt you? i hope it helps me

126. What is your opinion on playing "hard to get?" i do this all the time this is why im single af now

127. What are the pros and cons of straightforward? you can hurt people, but you’re honest

128. What do you consider "leading" someone on? ?

129. Are you the friendzoner or the friendzoned? both

130. What do you admire most about your friends? they’re much more mature than me and capable of things more than me

131. What do you admire most about your family? we are cold to each other but we still care lol

132. What is your opinion on "going with the flow?" great motto?

133. Do you enjoy talking or listening? listening

134. When is it time to end a friendship? if one of you have crossed the boundaries

135. What is the worst excuse you've ever come up with? sorry my family is in town so i cant go lol

136. If GPA didn't matter, what courses would you have taken? cooking?

137. What are your favorite baby names? Namine & Nerine

138. When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? last week

139. What instantly ruins a conversation? mobile phones!

140. Biggest turn ons and turn on offs. voice & overly large muscles hahaha

141. Biggest disappointment. myself

142. Do you have any self-restraint? surprisingly well.

143. When did you last do something outside of your comfort zone? last week

144. Prized possession(s)? anything my favourite people gave me

145. What is your opinion on second chances? depends

146. Text or call? TEXT!

147. What do you like about the 21st century? convenient and safe

148. What advice would you give to yourself 5 years ago? why are u like this

149. How organized are you? i can be ocd or messy, depends on my mood

150. Favorite mode of transportation. bus

[survivorsolomonislands]

Episode 2 “#NewQueenInTown” - Lily

hey hoes so ill do my first impressions or w/e chrissa- kween! i was hoping she'd stay awhile but u know when someone wants to be elimed then u gotta! dana- idk ha!hevjkbev i dont remember a dana in any of these so! idk how she plays so yikes but i wouldnt be surprised if shes close w the other newer people lexo- im love her! im hoping we can do #that for callie tru matt- i played a game with him once and he voted me out so :/ but i think we can work well together tbh mitchell- hes malaysia and thats all i know, im not sure how he played in malaysia and lowkey the only times i ever interacted with him he kinda annoyed me gtg monty- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh i love monty, i know he will be one of my closest allies for sure! i cant wait to slay w him linus- hes from winnipeg and he seems sneaky to me and hes a newer school player so he could be close w the others ryan tiddie palmer - i love my dadt sdhvbdfv but also im a little wary of him bc i have a feeling he would love to vote me out but as of rn i need him so, we'll see zak- i voted him out in palau and thats all i got kjehfvbjr i didnt even kno they played a game before anyway hes also part of the potential new school alliance

also heres the vote tea, basically mine and lexis names were being thrown around and i was like??? we aint even do anything so then we started throwing zaks and linus name around. anyway me and mont were freaking out bc we needed 2 more people to get majority and vote zak and save me and lex, so we recruit chrissa and we make an alliance chat w ha. we call and talk about who we can pull in and such. so come the next mornin i start talkin to matt who said he was down for voting zak. honestly i trust matt he seems more trustworthy than other people plus i dont think he knows a lot of the tribe members tru so if i keep him close then my alliance should be good tru. anyway i talk to lexi to figure stuff out, and i talk to zakriah and basically tell him that im willing to vote lexi next round or w/e, mind u this is after chrissa anounces that she wants to be voted out, and well hopefully by telling him this i can gain his trust a little and get some tea from ha. also zak knows that me mont and lexi were targetting him??? honestly idk who couldve told him unless it was chrissa??? no one else shouldve known tru, anyway so i get the tea from that mitchell is the one who told him that he heard my name being thrown around and kjefbv like i dont wanna confrontational or anything but i went to mitchell and asked him about it and he was "like honestly it was like a grapevine thing tbh like nobody was like "...how bout karen" it was more of "i've heard Karen"" LIKE??????????????????????????????? REALLY BITCH THAT DONT ANSWER MY QUESTION. grapevine my ass, like thats what zak told me too, like !!!!!!!!! just tell me bc if u dont then im gonna assume that ur ass is the one started the whole "i heard" thing nnnnn anyway!!!! im just relieved that chrissa is asking to be voted out bc this couldve been way more stressful aaaaaahhhhh  honslee i was scared this was all a ploy to throw votes but i genuinely believe ha and i love chrissa too much to ever disrespect her wishes so :/ bye bye chrissa we hardly knew ye!

Not much has happened so far. We won the first challenge, which is awesome, and kinda gives me this fire to keep winning just so that we can keep beating the vets. It's kind of fun to be the underdogs (considering we all have much less experience than the vets) and to win. As long as we don't get a flash challenge, I'm not too worried about how well we do. Or at least, how well I do. I just don't want to be the person with the lowest score. Anyways, on day 2 or something Lily messages me and says we should be in an alliance, since we knew each other from a chat. So I said sure, and she gives me an idol clue she found! Holy shit! Lucky for her, I don't have any other alliances, otherwise I could so easily just play her. I don't have any plans to though - she seems very trusting and kind and I respect that. I just have to be careful it doesn't get me in trouble as long as we're aligned. So I go to search for the idol, with the clue she gave me in mind, and somehow end up finding the exact same clue she did. Hopefully we don't make the same mistake again next round.

https://youtu.be/hCcal7QtHWY

OMG okay so first off... Daisy comes to me saying she likes Jacob. Okay. Perfect. He's my ride or die anyways, so now we have a mutual ally we can lean on, and she says she wants to be in an alliance. Cool. Even better. Let's officialize this shit.

So Daisy makes the chat, and she says "alright Johnny and Jacob, let's add Willow and Luca" and I'm internally freaking out with Jacob on the side here, and Jacob and I are losing it in PMs and we're like "I think that wouldn't be the BEST idea, just because adding people late can make them think that they're going to be 4th and 5th" So Daisy is going to stick with us three being a f3.

Little does Daisy know that Willow wanted a four person alliance with me and Jacob already, and it didn't include Daisy, so it'll be easy for Willow to think she's on the in, and same for Daisy, which can be GREAT for later.

All I know is I'm going to have to do a little educating to Daisy on how to play this game, and making an alliance with three people and then adding two people LATE is no beuno sweetheart... Thank God Jacob and I prevented that one. At least we know we're in a core for now, and we can start picking off the weaker rookies............... or maybe we go after someone who looks like they can be smarter, and an independent player. Maybe Aro for example? Let's see what happens after immunity (giggle)

So after Chrissa announced she wanted to be voted out, Karen and I were able to talk to each other for the first time this game. I pushed that I didn't want to target her if it wasnt out of hate, and targeting each other based on lack of communication could be easily fixed - after all, what's better than an unlikely duo? I'm in two right now if I'm not being played: as far as I know Linus wants to work with me to get out Karen, and Mitchell also thinks that's what I want. However, I want me an ally in Karen, and Lexi or Mo's gotta go next.

Something terrible happened to me irl yesterday and Im in a bad headspace right now. I really dont feel like talking to anyone besides Luca and Johnny(whos actually pretty cool) so I cant wait to get to the swap. I tried connecting with Kaya a bit but she doesn't seem to like me very much. I have a terrible migraine and everything kinda sucks right now but I'll fight through it. I can't wait for the time when I eventually look back on this confessional and cringe at the angst lmao

I low-key hope I get taken out of this challenge early so I don’t have to sit around all night doing it, but the only way that’d be able to happen is everyone just went after me to start the challenge, and no one knows I’m good at live challenges except Chrissa, and she’s bye bye

Aw Dana assigned me to shoot my fuckbuddy aromal in the first round of the IC :( like the opposite of the hunger games up in here :(

This paintball challenge is so fucking FUN! Like, it's so cool to keep on my toes and constantly be dodging/shooting paintballs. It's like my own sort of little endurance challenge. I just have to be sure I don't miss any dodges... That's why I changed the conversation notification settings to notify me every time my name is said. :P But it's fun, anyway. And if I lose, I can blame my team and use the machete I got. >:3c

So... let's play catch up!

Chrissa got voted out unanimously like she ASKED TO. It sucked bc I liked Chrissa but she was a lil strategically problematic so... whatevs. BUT then Karen starts being like "oh would you have voted for me? where'd my name come from?" and being kind of aggressive about it so... that turned me off. Honestly yeah I would've voted your ass out, you ignored me and continue to do so lol, but after that? I'm set. I think my allegiance with Dana is solidified by my complaining to her about Karen, and honestly? I see her as my #2 in this game.

Matt, the other option for my #2, also tells me he's ready to make a move  against the Karen/Monty/Lexi coalition when we next go to Tribal Council. We're slaying this challenge so that won't be tonight, but when it does, Karen's ass is grass if I've got anything to say about it!!

Karen and Lexi still make minimal effort to talk with me. Pretty much nobody has been 1-on-1 talking with me throughout this whole 3-hour-long-so-far challenge which is also kind of ridiculous but??? What are you gonna do. I'm still sick so hopefully when I recover I'll start schmoozing like I usually do and stop oozing like I don't wanna do.

also fuk u mangrove swamp

RETWEET IF YOU ARE ON TEAM LA NEEDS TO GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP.

This challenge is murdering me. 4.5 hrs left SO.

So, I quit during the paintball challenge. I was the last person left on my tribe and I just couldn't see myself pulling off a win, not against five people - I did manage to get one out on my own but it seemed very doubtful I could have gotten them all. I'm not sure how I feel about throwing it like that, I probably could have faked it and just posted a shoot at the 6 mark which might have been better for my game, cause I'm not sure how that will effect how the vets see me from this point on, or if my tribe finds out and gets mad at me for it, but Y'ALL SHOULD BE HAPPY I DIDN'T MAKE US SUFFER THROUGH ANOTHER FOUR HOURS OF THAT @ VETS. I hate giving up/losing but at the same time, this is only the second challenge of the game. If this has been an individual immunity challenge, damn right I would have stuck it out but it's still early on and I think this vote will be pretty straight forward. IF I manage to get voted out I'll feel so stupid for throwing it but as of right now I trust my alliance and feel safe. (famous last words)

So now Star wants to talk to me...... Tooo little too late bud. You've been talking to the least amount of people this whole game, you didn't even help with the immunity challenge, and now you're coming to me all worried about the vote? Sorry you're in this situation, but you made your own bed, and now you have to lay in it. 

On a different note, I was talking to Jacob, and we were thinking that two of us should throw our votes onto someone else, just in case of an idol play, but honestly, I don't wanna be that paranoid freak always worrying about an idol, but I also don't wanna a repeat of the last tumblr survivor I played in, where I got idol'd out of the game, so I'm trying to be careful. I might talk to Daisy about it, but I don't want to come off as paranoid, so it'll be an interesting talk if I choose to have it...

(Slightly later)

OMG LILY JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS THE IDOL I'M SCREAMING!! Now I don't have to worry about a fucking idol play. Not only that, but she tells me that I'm the only person in the game that knows about the idol, which is huge for me because it means that she trusts me the most, and this can be a relationship outside of Jacob, Daisy, Willow and Luca, so this is really good. I am going to focus on forming a broship with Aro too, just to have that connection, but I think that I'm starting to become very trusted in the tribe, which is good. 

I know my struggle is going to be when we switch tribes, and just hoping that the luck of the draw doesn't put me onto a tribe with bad numbers, but even if I do, I think I'll be able to charm my way out of it. The fact that I want to vote out most of these people, and they still continue to prove to me that they trust me the most is CRAZY, but Lily is definitely going to be a tool I'm going to utilize in the game for a long long time, and I hope she and her idol make it deep enough in the game to benefit me.

Sorry... rambling. My struggle now is whether or not to tell Jacob. I don't want to lose his trust later in the game by him finding out about this idol, and him knowing that I knew about it. I think I'm going to tell him about it later tonight, and I hope that he'll be thrilled, but he isn't even going to be back for day change... At least now I know that I don't have to worry about the idol, especially because I doubt there are more than one idols out there, from my specific tribe, so definitively, it's bye bye Star time :(

Jesus.... Karen and I survived that round.. In what world is that actually realistic? But we did and thankfully with little issues like messy thrown votes or Chrissa playing an idol on herself after misting us all. I was really nervous that it was all an actual trap because I have seen it happen before and boy is it terrifying but bless her heart for being true to us all.

The challenge was one that I have won before so I was not too nervous about the whole workings of the challenge but I was nervous about how long the challenge would go. I was so tired yesterday for some reason and I do not know if I could have lasted until 2 am with very little break. I would have tried my best of course so I could make sure Karen and I were safe but there is only so much a single person can do which L.A. ended up proving. The Veterans won the challenge THANK GOD and so we do not have to worry about one of us being voted out bless. Right now I would def consider Karen my final 2 because we do share the common homie of Callie and I do my best to trust Callie's judgement most of the time (the other times... I just can not defer from what god wants). My only issue is that Karen has a lot of friends on this tribe that I fear she might pick over me such as Monty and that makes me a bit scared of her but right now we sort of need each other in terms that we are both the most threatening ones on our tribe at the moment so if she gets rid of me, she does not have many people to hide behind and I have been known to be a very good meat shield for those that take advantage of it so here is to praying she is actually my final 2.

Okay I love my tribe now. Seriously though I was only disliking them because I was too mentally checked out to socialize. They're all really sweet people and omg it was all i could do to stop them from pronouncing Zaks name wrong lmao during the challenge. Even though I outta be pissed that more than half of us got eliminated for breaking simple rules, I loved that they were cheery about it.

For the vote ahead, it should be a smooth 9-1 against Star. He hasn't been too active thus far and everybody seems to be on board.

https://youtu.be/RpyYL7gVQEE

LAST ROUND VOTING: A SUMMARY We get back to camp after being beaten in the immunity challenge and things devolve into chaos. Mitchell starts whispering "Lexi" and then shouting "WHO SAID THAT! I HEARD YOU! lexi.... WHO WAS THAT!!!!" Lexi and RTP climbed into the shelter and started singing songs together, waiting for other people to join. Matt sat himself on a rock and just kinda sat there...waiting.... Zak was running around, talking to each and every person saying he heard something different to everyone, calling every guy Miss and every girl Qween. Karen was sitting trying to have sensible discussions, and Mitchell and Zak saw this and started freaking out. Mitchell kept his calm and kept whispering lexi... but Zak thought he said Karen and started freaking out. Meanwhile, I'm running around screaming at people that Zak is dead weight and Linus is a rat, but nobody is really listening to me. Meanwhile, Linus disappeared into the woods to maybe go try on some wigs or some shit, and Dana is off talking to anything that moves, with various degrees of success. In the middle of camp is Chrissa, just sitting. Me, Karen, Zak, and Mitchell are all screaming about who should go, and she silently raises her hand and says four words. "I. I will go." Everyone stopped and just kinda looked at her, and then started screaming. Not words, just incoherent noises, and that never stopped until Chrissa's torch was snuffed by Isaac

real confessional for this round: So, this has been a pretty chill round. As a tribe, our number one priority was winning immunity. I staying longer than a few people, until I had to go swim. I still need to talk to Dana, Lexi, and RTP this round to keep those connections alive, but other than that, my social game is less shitty than in the past! So, overall, this is not looking terrible for me!

IS DAISY FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? Daisy, girl, we spoke about this. Adding people to alliance chats can only cause problems. Making a brand new chat is the way that it has to be. I can't be closely tied with someone who is actually that oblivious to how this game goes. It's like telling someone that there's a three person alliance, and we just want them to be fourth on the ladder. THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. Luckily for me, it's someone as ditzy as Lily is, and it's someone who doesn't really talk to a lot of people, and she's someone who has an idol, and now Daisy and I were both told by Lily, which is why Daisy added her.

One thing that Lily and Daisy aren't aware of is that Jacob knows about the idol too, and that's because I told him, so with Jacob in the loop, and me being the one who told me, is PRIME. I need to be the barrier of communication between all of them, and right now I think I'm doing a steady job. One thing I need to work on is my relationship with Allie and LA, because they're two SMART girls, who I haven't been spending much time talking to, so I might work on that later today, even though I've spoken briefly about the vote to both of them, I need MORE!

Well after the mess with Chrissa we were lucky enough to win, and I think the challenge was a good bonding experience for the tribe. Now I'm kind of in the middle right now I like my alliance a lot but I think I could work with Karen and Lex in the future so I'm nervous about alienating them and I'm like back and forth back and forth like a metronome or some dumb swingy shit. So lemme just cross my fingers we don't have to go to tribal, and that somebody I know will get this damn idol ay dios bio

We lost the immunity challenge earlier. I'm super disappointed but I doubt I'm in any trouble at tribal council. I kinda messed up by posting early, lost my head and this probably was a factor in our tribe losing. On their tribe, only three people messed up.

But challenge aside, I feel I'm pretty safe for the time being here. I like Jacob, Willow, LA, Johnny and Allie and I think I'm getting along with Aromal too. Really the only people who I haven't really been talking with are Star (who's getting evicted today), Daisy and Lily.

I should probably talk more with the other two. All that said, this game is phenomenal. You can never know if you're really safe.

HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND THE FUCKING IDOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA But like... wow. I find the idol clue on my very first search, and then on my second search, I find the idol itself. When will your fave... #newqueenintown

We won! Updates game wise so I'm just utr1 instead of inv. 

1. Zak is still a self righteous prick, but he's also smart enough to just flat out target me rn, so idk. 

2. Matt is easy to talk game with, he's seeming a bit paranoid though. 

3. Dana and Ryan, still love em both. 

4. Mitchell is everyone's best friend, hillarious dude. That also sadly means he is the biggest threat in the game. Of course, right now I want to work with threats, but eventually he will be scary. 

5. Karen is still my target. 

6. Gotta try and make Lexi and Monty not flip at a swap. 

7. Linus is the best, he's probably the front runner to win right now.

Okay so I keep forgetting about confessionals oops. But I'm going to my first tribal council ever tonight and I'm a little nervous. I feel like this vote tonight should be pretty simple because everyone in the tribe wants to vote out Star, but I'm worried that he might have an idol or something since 9/10 people in our tribe looked for the idol yesterday. Also I'm still a little bit irritated at myself from the challenge yesterday because it said 7:05 on my computer when I pressed send but it was still 7:04 on the skype clock or whatever Idk