#thats how i talk to myself now. i hate on myself a lot but i remedy it by thinking... the lines are experience and life
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I can think of a lot of reasons why I like and have gotten attached to tsukasa more than any other fictional character and i think if i had to keep it simple (or else id be rambling for hours) id say
1. He’s so interesting. I usually pick up the extremely mischaracterized blonde characters anyways but he gets my brain working real hard. its almost 2am and i cant think straight but theres something about his duality that keeps me glued to him and the amount of Layers he has and how removing even one layer or completely ignoring how both his huge ego and kindness + selflessness coexist can really mess up your perception of him. There was something quite short i wrote about how both sides make him. Well. Him. back when his colofes dropped since i was so annoyed at the people Not getting it (while most never even read the STORIES 😁) anf ive been screaming this for a year now Please. Also the way his dream and being a good big brother go hand in hand have captured me. I really like fictional siblings and they fill something personal i miss and Looove looking at the roots of characters. Discovering where this and that and connecting events to what started their behaviors or helped their personality bloom. So seeing saki and toya play such an important role in his life keeps me HOOOKEDDD. I took the bait like tiny fish. Dont regret it. Never will. I like my fictional characters like layered cake. Thats basically how i see them. I had a yummy chocolate cake with so mant layers the other day 🤤 but anyways. I also really like when characters have to learn and grow as people after making really bad mistakes or being straight up assholes so it really took a while even after mainstory but once i got to see more of him with saki and read dazzling i was like. This is the guyyy. Youre mine now lets go. I dont like perfect characters but.. you see.. when characters who have (sometimes way too much) confidence and are dramatic yet are shown to truly be good people who enjoy making others happy… alright.. now im listening… Sign me up…
But really he has almost everything I’ve ever looked for in a character. Starting with the fact that he’s a theatre kid. And blonde. Of course emu nene and rui + more fictional characters have made their way into my heart and ive gotten attached to them on very Very personal levels but when it comes to this Idiot who wants to be a star and reminds me of a dog its something that i dont even know how to explain sometimes. Why is he here? What are you doing inside of my head. Ill never have one solid answer because he takes up too much space in my mind and i become incoherent too often when talking about him.
2. Ignoring my first answer, He is ugly. My favorite punching bag. Cartoon character. Begins floating when he smells pie. I dont know anymore
3. he just like me fr (Which is terrible i dont like that)
#if any part of this doesnt make sense or isnt rightpleass correct me#This is what i mean by tsukasa makes me lose my mind#I really cannot think straight when it comes to this show freak#3. Is more of a complicated thing. I dont Actually hate relating to him im joking but uhh#idk how to explain this i mean theres still a Lot that makes us very VERY different uhh#i think sometimes its just a little bit of annoyance like Why him. Why is it always the egotistical blonde ones#also i wouldnt say relating to him as much as i do right now is that bad (although i am much more self aware than him so. Yeah sometimes#I get annoyed with myself as well) i think its just the way ive been treated like i AM him before because of how much i do#Like guys. Come on now i get seeing people as their pfps or fav characters but thats a bit much#And theres plenty of other characters i relate to#Anyways ignoring rant in tags#I need to sleep. Right now. I cant believe i stayed up just to talk about little freak Tsukasa Tenma#ramble#rant#might delete later#tsukasa tenma#tenma tsukasa#wxs tsukasa#pjsk#prsk#project sekai#idk what im yapping about#yapping#tsukasa pjsk#tsukasa#wxs#wonderlands x showtime#shouldve kept this in drafts AAHH!!!!!
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im ngl i think my favorite headspace to be in is "want to be annoying"
#i am also really low energy today so i cant really do my normal expressions of it#(spam messaging Everyone i want to talk to at any given moments notice; sending random pictures/asks/etc to ppl)#but i also like. love being annoying. idc how others feel about it. there's something so wonderful to me about being such a nuisance to ppl#u like that they roll their eyes when you post your random thoughts AGAIN#there's something so lovely about pushing peoples buttons (within reason)#there's something just so fun about being ANNOYING!!!!!#ugh#i think it may genuinely be impossible for anyone to make me hate myself with mean words now#i think about it a lot and ppl can be really mean and it'd make me sad ofc if people were mean to me#butalso like#every person who is mean to me for silly reasons or bc they wanna take me in bad faith; every hateful thing thats been said to me - its all#jokes. my screen name on discord in a couple different servers is nicknames over stuff thats ACTUALLY been said to me#i think weirdly fondly of the man who yelled out to me on my birthday last year “fat bitch” fromhis car not bc he's a good man (fuck him)#but bc yeah that hurt my feelings alittlein the moment - and then after i was like wait why? i AM a fat bitch! its one of my favorite thing#and every time soemone hates something abt me i just kinda learn to love it out of spite#anyway all of this is 2 sy: mutuals if u read this im holdin my finger 2cm frm your cheek going “IM NOT TOUCHING U” & giggling abt it c:
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first female loz director and the gerudo seem to be written fine enough? wow... there ain't no way I thought we were in the worst timeline after totk
Yeah got through the main quest with the gerudo, it wasn't painful! It wasn't even bad! Still got them outfits but for the most part it was like oh cool!
I would say a lot of that oh cool is from the fact they didn't do a lot to even fuck it up to begin with, I'm gonna be real with yall this game is NOT worth $60USD
Edit: lemme say one thing, you know when people were being like damn totk story wasn't dark or mature at all why was this compared to Majora's mask again? And then all the zeldatwt people came out and said zelda is just a kid series domt expect good writing uH
This one feels like a kid's game. That ain't to say it's terrible I would say, hell I'm not far in it if I get something crazy that's like OH FUCK I'll reblog this post and say something but uh.....game for babies I'm gonna be shocked if anyone struggles with any puzzles cuz you CAN CHEESE THEM EASY ITS 🫢🤭
EDIT EDIT: I SWEAR IM NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE A DOWNER..... @ezlo-x HAS BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME IVE BEEN PLAYING....THEY KNOW I HAVENT BEEN A PARTY POOPER.....
#its......seems quick#the sidequests are very boring tbh#like this game should of been 45-50 max not 60#its cute i like it so far but oh my god the optimization and game design could of been way better#and after botw/totk like....how do i put this#its like nintendo heard hey we need a LITTLE bit of rail roading and then#😬#basically...example#for a main quest i have to go to 2 places to get people#i went to the 2nd place first and it......didnt update the side quest even though she should of gone to the meeting place#thTs apart of the quest but no i had to go to the 1st guy no matter what#and its like.....hey botw not totk would do that#most GAMES in general now wouldnt do something like that#also yall gonna hate the fact there is no organization or favorites tool for the echoes#game is fun so far but uH#i got through the first dungeon FAST FAST like this is not a return to form#minish cap dungeons i dont think were that fast and theyre simple#also anyone that says this dorsnt have mechanics from the wilds games yes it does#tri has an ability thats JUST ultra hand#oh and its not good in this game#yall gonna fucking hate it#unless somehow a pirated version doesnt allow you to rotate the fucking item or move it in a way that goes behind me#without me locking off and then back on again after repostioning myself#im worried its a feature and not an anti piracy measure#me and GC are gonna finish this up this week but dang i havent even done the whole first part of the main quest#if i had this on the switch i could see how fast i could play through the game WHILE talking to people and having fun and exploring#also oh my god the zora side quest very cute but when eveeyone knows how the game goes ill make one complaint in the tags one day#funny thing its not story....ITS GAMEPLAY#yhe story in the game is fine and i say that cuz its....very simple#HELL A LOT OF NPCS DONT GOT NAMES THAT ARE VISIBLE
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bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool
#you sound like every cishet republican man to me#you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao#im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism.#you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want#doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans.#damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew#literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising.#when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret#eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure???#you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst#members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson#you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle#but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan.#literally grow tf up.#if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem#bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now#idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat?#not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it.#its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever.#if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to#animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.
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i have to keep conciously reminding myself that i am non binary
#i hate microlabels i like just calling myself trans* and variations so i dont like calling myself nonbinary either#and also i still have a worm in my brain saying nonbinary is cringe (wrong and transphobic obviously but im still struggling with that)#ive been trying to get to a gender middle ground but for so long that meant going full masc on it because if people saw me as feminine it#usually read as cis girl which i did not like but things have changed on a lot of fronts and ive been having people gender me as exclusivel#male and im just now realizing (because i did not have that experience previously) that thats not it for me either#*if i were to get into the specifics i guess ''bigender'' or sometjing like that is the word bc im more on the being both man + woman thing#than the no gender at all variety of nonbinary#mmmm i dont like talking about this#but how much of that is just internalized transphobia#chizitxt
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you know until relatively recently i thought i'm at least like.. noticeably above average appearance-wise, i took it basically as a given since i was a little kid. but then i realized i'm actually ugly as fuck and nobody would ever pay any attention to me or find me good-looking or hot or whatever and i will be alone forever and die alone. so.
#iso.txt#vent post#obviously not posting a picture of myself so this is a pointless post. but it's better this way#i like the fact that lots of people here pay attention to me and it's because i'm smart and funny and say interesting things#every few days i realize this and start crying about it like some kind of idiot. i should get plastic surgery to fix all this but idek what#i told two of my friends about this and they gave me some nonsense about society and so on so thats basically confirmation lmfao#like if someone who is conventionally attractive asked you that you would Not fucking say that.#also some bs about how maybe nobody ever expressed any interest in me bc they don't think they'd have a chance. riiiiight lmfao#ik it's so superficial but i hate all of my features so much me being born was a mistake#i know that the fact that BASICALLY NOBODY EVER TRIES TO TALK TO ME is an indicator of that anyway#it just actually hurts like. i hope it's just bc where i live i'm not good at the language but maybe that's just cope#i just don't get it. i'm always better dressed than the majority of people in my classes. in my opinion.#like being presentable and shit matters doesn't it#maybe it's just that i sit in the front row and nobody there talks to anyone bc we actually want to take notes#i do have 'friends' but i don't get it. i don't get it how do you just 'meet people' who would ever pay attention to me.#the number of times i talked to someone who i wasn't introduced to by someone else is TINY#it's so unfair bc i'm like smart and funny and so on#sometimes if i squint im like well *i* think i'm kind of good looking. but LITERALLY NOBODY ELSE does#people only say that when they're trying to be nice.#now i'm thinking this type of post is going to make ppl think i post like a girl again and it's making me more upset but whatever idc idc#at best i'm 'cute.' people call me that a lot. i'm cute like a little kid is cute. i'd never be anything else to them.#i know it 'doesn't actually matter' but maybe it matters TO ME#basically any time i look in the mirror im reminded of all the reasons i ever wanted to kms
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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Hate how i got into the habit of (objectively!) criticising/pointing out flaws with my work to compensate being overpraised as The Gifted Kid TM & how it makes me sound like i'm being self deprecating
#its such a hard habit to get rid of#tbf its true im not the best at taking compliments but mostly im just. allergic to praise i dont deserve and/or that singles me out#and it comes up every now and then w irl ppl how i am supposedly constantly talking myself down#even though among my artist friends i am doing that the least amount!#like. guys. there is a difference between not giving myself credit and acknowledging flaws#bc belive it or not i can do that without feeling shit about myself!#and half the time im not even talking abt myself im talking abt others?#cus i hate when people talk themselves down and i will often chime in to say what i think theyre good at#and bc *they* start comparing themselves to me i will then counter with what they are better at than me#or that yeah maybe xy about mine is better but ive also got a lot more practice#and idk i genuinely dont belive that is being self deprecating???#if anything you acting like im a prodigy or sth is devaluing the time and effort i put in to hone a skill#which btw being able to feel ok about my skillset including the goods and bads is also a skill i had to learn!#idk.#lay rambles#sorry for the rant this is just sth i get frustrated about way too often#this doesnt just apply to art but thats where it comes up the most#actually im not done sorry#this specifically was in the context that we got a project graded and the teacher graded us by comparing projects#(which is questionable in itself but i digress)#& then when it came to me i argued that the person he compared me to deserved a better grade and then listed a bunch of reasons#bc she visibly put in more effort and had included things i hadnt and i thought the grade was unfair#and i never once said i thought mine was bad or didnt deserve the grade! but i know i did not put much effort into it and that this showed#and yes it still turned out visually nice; i got pretty good at getting the most out of the least effort possible#and i acknowledge that this is also a skill!#but also pointing out the very visible differences in quality and effort is not? self deprecating?? or am i missing something???#and then had 4 ppl calling me out later for talking down my own project smh#like guys at this point youre just projecting#ik im grumbling abt this way more than warranted lol but a lil venting never hurts
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Really wanna write fics but also it's kinda hard when I know I won't really get any interaction back from the months of hard work it will surely take
#like i know this is my own fault because i come from writing to a very big very active fandom and on a pretty popular pairing as well#so i was used to a lot of constant readers and comments and just feedback as a general#which in turn got me constantly writing at my best for literal years#so now when i dont automatically get that or really just get that as a general i get pretty demotivated pretty quickly#but still#it sucks a little when you publish like 5k of one chapter and it has zero comments hurts the soul a little bit is all#so yeah convincing myself to write fics for this fandom became pretty hard after i wrote that super big first fic and felt like yelling#into the void#i hate saying this kinda stuff because i feel like it comes off as entitled i know i dont just deserve and theres no reason i should just#get whatever thing i want#but its just a feeling and that's how i feel#either way i still wanna write so i will because thats my first most important motive to write#just it will be harder for sure#Luna's fics talks
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Vent was a good app. I had a mutual who actually lived right nearby and obviously we never met but one day I said that I hate this permanent line I have by my lips and it makes me feel so old and unsightly. and he told me, and I don't remember the exact words but he said, "that means you smile so much that it shows on your face". so... how can I ever hate myself again? my makeup cracks and displays a crease from my nose to my lips. my father tells my mother and I to be straight faced in pictures because our mouths crook in an ugly way. but how can I ever stop smiling and loving it when my face has memorized my joy so deeply it carved it out? even when I forget what joy is, she remembers. God.
#namedropping is bad right. sucks JULES we didnt talk a lot but you said some really nice shit that I'll remember forever#met lots of awesome people on Vent. miss them. some are still here tho HI... Vent is still here too I just refuse to acknowledge the zombie#pipe down moppet#thats how i talk to myself now. i hate on myself a lot but i remedy it by thinking... the lines are experience and life#scars wrinkles marks acne hyperpigmentation imperfection... proof that I have lived. and i feel better.
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I'm going to struggle to sleep and get up tomorrow
Curse it all
#miranda talking shit#At one hand i liked the conversation i had with fabian and i think i got some answers to questions ive been wondering about but im also lik#Unpacking all this.... So much to unpacking and to be put in a folder in my head where does it all go... Still hate how#He hit me with the biggest ... Maybe in the universe and i can't deal with it. No I'd be relieved and accept an no fullstop but he had to#Add in the.... Idk actually lol i dont have a reference and i would like to know how it is crossing boundaries in our relationship#Whag the fuck man.... You really gave me the strongest 'i think youre into me and it worries me' and then nullify it with an 'idk how i#Feel sometimes id like to explore more' how am i supposed to... Handle that information... I had been going around telling myself#What he said to me 2019 is the way he still feels and me thinking he might think more is just me being paranoid but then yeah#What a clusterfuck. I mean to me it wont change anything in the broader picture no matter what i care for him ya know? But now thats... An#Whole other thing like. Should i try to act differently? Be more careful? Or would that be unfair bc then id do what he've been doing to me#I will quote him again 'miranda i think if both of us got an gf/bf at the same time this would solve itself' i joked and said he could find#Me one and I'll find one for him. But yeah i think that would ... Be a solution in an ideal world. Idk how to do anything man#At one hand i think he's overestimating how much he's on my mind but also its true. I spend a lot of my social time with him so obviously#I think about him? But i also have a reference on how i am... With people i have crushes on and who im in love with and how o think of thoe#Its just so scary to think about how i am his reference ... To... Well basically a ton of things... Im not a good reference unless you want#An abnormal reference. I guess im anxious I'll somehow ... Ruin him or something. This was a big conformation that i am his reference to#Women and close relationships with women and i am not made for that... Most feminine tjing about me is being sappy and giving compliments#And encouragement. Otherwise im basically like ... A dude. Guess it also scares me that he knows me. I know i know him but the fact its#Mutual is aw man... Being known is still a struggle. He wasmt completely wrong is his logic bc he knows me i think too much about people#And things. I understand im so anxious bc i care about him and im worried about losing him or pushinh him away but shit#Hes sleeping rn and is at peace with this probably. He doesn't dwell on it. He even said hes been thinking about this... Bc he began to#Think about what i could be thinking? So its not even his own thoughts but thoughts about whaf i could be thinking? ?? Whack and im likebro#Flattering that you go to that length but also... Literally what??? Cant tell if hes somehow projecting or if this is genuinely how he was#Thinking but damn. Boy does have some confidence at least? He's such an fool. I love him but holy shit he blows me away sometimes
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so to do my testing i need a state id but to get my state id i need a social security card bc i lost mine so im waiting up to 15-20 days for social security to send me a verification number in the mail so that i can apply for a new social security card and then ill have to wait for that to get to me and then i can go get my ky id and hopefully not get in trouble for taking so long to get my id changed and THEN i can schedule my ged classes. and by then ill probably have finished my math and science ged readys which is good and ummm i think thats all. itll prolly be a permit rather than a state id so i can work on learning to drive since we have a nice Not horrible car . and then ill know how to drive which will be helpful to me even if it takes me a while to actually own a car... but itd be helpful to Be able to drive yk. even if i am quite late... and once i get all of that done then thats like finally finished and then i can get a job again and start saving up money for when i am ready to move out...
#and once i am Making money again ill feel better going to the dr for all of my stuff bc my mom says itd be covered by insurance but im#rly rly paranoid abt there being copays or something yk . so id like to Have money jic since i currently have. 3 dollars at all#but yes. and im rly lucky im able to live with my family bc like. they wont Make me pay rent they might ask for help which ill gladly do bc#1. yk and 2. i have been living here free of charge for almost a year 3. even all that aside i want the kids to be able to keep living here#and also be able to eat so idm helping with groceries and the mortgage or whathave you... and itll all be cheaper than paying rent at my#own place anyways so i can build up a good net AND ill have money to start donating again bc i hate not being able to donate it makes me#feel so useless. that was the best part of living in wa was that i Had money to be spending and donating was one of the like. bc i have a#lot of hangups abt money so pretty much spending any money made me feel sick and i had to punish myself for it BUT donating bypassed that.#not that the benefit of donating is that i can spend money without feeling bad but it is something i Want to do because i want to be able t#help however i can . obviously. i am rambling now but basically yes im excited to have a job again#idt ill have money to get people gifts this year for xmas Which sucks but hoooooooopefully i will have a job by february.......... dependin#wewill see how it all works out. im hoping february bc thats the start of the 1st wave of bdays. well . technically january is but thats My#bday so it doesnt count.... bc tag feb father mar weeman may. and then lamp sep and mother oct and i couldnt get either of them gifts and#Yeah i feel evil#BUT!!!! next year i will be able to afford everything all of it ill have money and a job and i can get ppl gifts i love buying ppl gifts#even tho im bad at it i fear. bc i dont have much experience last year was the first year i got to buy xmas gifts for everybody... and bday#for some even :] but ya. ive loved buying gifts since 8th grade which was the first time i was able to buy gifts for my friends bc my dad#gave me his credit card for the dc trip. bc we were on kiiiiind of difficult terms in 2018 LOLLL. so he was doing pretty much anything to#get me to talk to him again the perks of having to go to court against your parent. and also girl that restraining order was meaningless bu#whatever i cant think abt it or ill get kinda mad so were moving on Oh im cramping that sucks okayyyyy. anyways. YES so thats your connor u#date i think these tags are gonna get cutoff in a major way. wait nvm i only had like 22... ok well ending it here goodbye my diary
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#all of this is Throwing me down the rabbit hole again btw.#i may not . ever say a fuckign Word to him. but i sure as fuck gst to look at him#and its hard Not To. hes still the prettiest man ive ever looked at!! im still attracred to him !!#i shouldnt be !!! but i am and im allowing that . i cant keep feeling like this tho ABDIDNDJ#i . am going to get So Hurt .#i mean it shouldnt b any different to any other similar situation but UNLIKE every other time .#we actually dated ! i actually love him n have a wild history w him ! its a lot dofferent !#its fine !!!!! im . yelling internally .#and atp i need to get laid . im seriously abt to just send libra a mssg n b like#i know this is weird n u can absolutwly say no. but how do u feel abt having sex#or wtv . bc . this call of celibacy was fun n helpful . but .#eniugh is enough i need to get laid. so i can shake some od whatever the FUCK is going on internally#anyway. im going Crazy internally . i gotta talk to my coworker abt getting a 2 drink max on myself#not vc im actually a menace !!!! or anyrhung !!!!#but bx !!! i keep saying dumb shit abt ppl while theyre around . n its not shit thats like#it cant get me into trouble . itll get me a talking to occasionally#but . (im talking abt one specific thing i sakd n if i dont unravel my ahite lie Now itll look bad)#so im bookibg a sesh w my ips worker to discuss tgis bx . i Fucked Up Kinda . and . i dont know what to do abt it bc i feel guilty#a little. i needed to. like i did what i had to do in the moment . but . i twisted thw truth a little to get what i wanted#n i dont Like That :( not to my manager.#bc she batted 4 me IMMEDIATELY . n i do hate that h eis so well fucking KNOWN.
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well. back to the horrors
#the bin#ugh i hate hqving to work so much everyday#well. i had around 700 left over from last month which shoukd help with the cost of uberinv yomwork everyday now#might try the bus bc apparently they changed it and it runs earlier now but idk. im gonna talk 2.my boss and ask if i get there early or#late if thats ok. to a reasonable degree obv. i think he will say yes considering its cause my sister was in a car accident but idk 4 sure#once again didnt switch my sleeping over bc im a sleepy bug#FINALLY got the electric bill yesterday. havent got the water yet but itll prob b here soon#so i know now around how much theyll be. electric is usually more expensive than water too so#next month electric will prob be more bc of heat lamps always on for tha girlies but it should still not be terrible#i prepared myself for electric and water to be 300 total. i knew itd be less but i wanted to make sure i was prepared for it being a lot#now that i know how much ill need for that stuff each month i can tell how much i have to spend on fun stuff#probably gonna try getting a bunch of beads as my next thing bc i miss making kandi#getting so tired of my 1 coworker. she usually doesnt do my job anymore but when she does she makes a total mess and makes my life#so much harder. she also takes so long and spends sp much time just on her phone or talking to people and not working#which like. would be whatever except it makes the lives of 5 other people harder. me and the 4 other people in this department need things#to keep moving. not someone taking up a whole cart for 20 minutes and making a mess of the shelves#that makes it harder for me to put stuff away in a way that isnt precarious and it makes the morning suck bc everyone has to fix her mess#and its not that she doesnt know how. she does. shes worked her for 5 years. ive SEEN her do it properly. shes just lazy#i know its not 'cool' or whatever to take ur job seriously but i do. and i dont care if other people dont unless it makes my life harder
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why do i have so many things that are comorbid with adhd and no psychiatrist ive ever had has tested for it. even the one in the same office asthe therapist who INSISTED i have it (at least inattentive). but he had a thing with making me advocate for myself (which did not fucking work) and i guess he was expecting me to tell the psychiatrist on my own but how would my autistic ass know to do that without him telling me. because i thought the PROFESSIONALS would talk about that together.
yeah and everyone else either didnt think it was worth it to test for adhd despite the comorbidities i guess. except the most recent guy who straight up didnt think i had it because i didnt fit the adhd stereotype. and the person who originally diagnosed me with "ass burgers" bc that was right before the DSM V and before that u couldnt be diagnosed with autism AND adhd it was just one
#le p2iigh#also i feel like there was just a lot of stuff he didnt know. at the time i was diagnosed with bipolar 2#(why i thought i was hypomanic when i was clearly manic.) and like he was looking through my journal from the conversion camp#came across a place where i was really conflicted (because of being gaslit. being told being there was good for me.)#(i didnt even go there for gay shit i went there bc i wouldnt go to school. they just conveniently were also a conversion camp)#(so yeah the cptsd about school thing and those dreams#(i still need therapy i think about scheduling an appointment every other day and i never do it and i always hate myself for it)#oh yeah but he was like 'theres this where it looks like ur depressed AND manic??#first of all u dont know what a mixed episode is??? 2nd of all that wasnt even mania that was just me in a crisis under extreme stress#that stuff often leads to mania for me NOW but my first hypomanic episode wasnt until i was 17 living with my dads wife#anyway shoutout to the person who initially diagnosed me as autistic she was cool#definitely hinted at also being autistic and how thats how she could tell i was too. talking about textures and sensory stuff#the only way she could have made it more obvious is if she said she was autistic. but yeah this was barely months before the dsm v#telling myself to just go to therapy instead of making these posts.
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wasn't me no one in this home of mine voted for anything of the sort and most likely anyone I know didn't either. I forget how many ppl live in the uk sometimes peace and love to the william wanters well and truly
#HONESTLY. not suprised though british mothers in their late 30s-40s i see you grandmas i see u the gay men peeping ur head out the corner#i see the princess fantasy it is not without its flowers i see it all and i meet u with acceptance#hes not ugly tho i'm the type where i don't think anyone really is or i haven't had that sort of reaction to anyone so idk though#also tbh idk how many ppl are actually taking those tests.. unless harry styles was on there because the fans the stans will get their favs#the acalades the little titles if they can with speed could be best juggler best dog shit picker upper best at climbing shit they love it#they love it all. their twitter handles at the top that shit gets cropped in obis paint on their iphone and put on twt like a proud parent#(i get it in that sense though its steering off the william topic matter)#with their kids art. was 1ce real in2 kpop and i got out to my benefit lot of shit long story i'm glad i'm in a better place now#since i got into in in probs objectively my darkest or some of my darkest not that u cant like kpop or talk about it or be in that scape#in a way thats positive or like healthy with me it was just not healthy unfortunately. my relationship is better with it now and i still#interact with content personally and more casually. i-#still have alot of love and appreciation for what ppl meant to me even if its different now i still have so much love for shit. just not so#deeply in the environment yk that round and round#standom as previous.. no doubt at the time i was thirsty for distraction i cudnt handle myself or my life basically my#life feeling like a fuckn tornado that was pissing on me so i probably no matter what were going to find vices but i have no doubt about th#talents and passion and artistry over there. all the racism and colourism n shit that just felt constant had a part#my conduction#what i surrounded me with my landscape because its a lot of inter like personal connections and heavy online bonding n just mess where its#like my fckn life force just i was screaming from the inwards outwards and still deaf to it. for me it was a host it turns out 2 be for man#cant track my gradual change really other than a year or maybe between 2 years we grow still thbink about stuff i hate myself for doing#the change happened gradually and naturally i feel though it all had dramatics its hard to track#there was shit before that when i was even younger and oh hellscape i fear it was bumpy i'm not gonna say it got better with age or smth#cause i dont believe thats true atleast not entirely i hate all of it i some of the connections i made are so key in my growth and i have s#nice wonderful like irrefutable memories i hope ppl r doing well so bad so bad some i even want to talk to again but i know for me i cant#give in 2 that pull and the day if i reconnect i will and hopefully there'll be wonderful ppl to reconnect with in that case to meet me#its all ever changing if i think differently in the future i do i just hope that will be me coming to understand myself and development#being hyper critical of myself tho i talk about me like i jumped through hoops to do detestable shit so its a balancing game and im wonky#its the fans the stans or its the royal family entourage they are vivid in my head or the ppl who came across it and decided to just add-#their 2 sence or saw it and were like hehe this is so unserious im going to be mischevious or take the piss lol#all of which get their acknowledgement its all fun and games truly those who take it serious will and shall however
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