#thats how i talk to myself now. i hate on myself a lot but i remedy it by thinking... the lines are experience and life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tsukasalover · 4 days

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I can think of a lot of reasons why I like and have gotten attached to tsukasa more than any other fictional character and i think if i had to keep it simple (or else id be rambling for hours) id say

1. He’s so interesting. I usually pick up the extremely mischaracterized blonde characters anyways but he gets my brain working real hard. its almost 2am and i cant think straight but theres something about his duality that keeps me glued to him and the amount of Layers he has and how removing even one layer or completely ignoring how both his huge ego and kindness + selflessness coexist can really mess up your perception of him. There was something quite short i wrote about how both sides make him. Well. Him. back when his colofes dropped since i was so annoyed at the people Not getting it (while most never even read the STORIES 😁) anf ive been screaming this for a year now Please. Also the way his dream and being a good big brother go hand in hand have captured me. I really like fictional siblings and they fill something personal i miss and Looove looking at the roots of characters. Discovering where this and that and connecting events to what started their behaviors or helped their personality bloom. So seeing saki and toya play such an important role in his life keeps me HOOOKEDDD. I took the bait like tiny fish. Dont regret it. Never will. I like my fictional characters like layered cake. Thats basically how i see them. I had a yummy chocolate cake with so mant layers the other day 🤤 but anyways. I also really like when characters have to learn and grow as people after making really bad mistakes or being straight up assholes so it really took a while even after mainstory but once i got to see more of him with saki and read dazzling i was like. This is the guyyy. Youre mine now lets go. I dont like perfect characters but.. you see.. when characters who have (sometimes way too much) confidence and are dramatic yet are shown to truly be good people who enjoy making others happy… alright.. now im listening… Sign me up…

But really he has almost everything I’ve ever looked for in a character. Starting with the fact that he’s a theatre kid. And blonde. Of course emu nene and rui + more fictional characters have made their way into my heart and ive gotten attached to them on very Very personal levels but when it comes to this Idiot who wants to be a star and reminds me of a dog its something that i dont even know how to explain sometimes. Why is he here? What are you doing inside of my head. Ill never have one solid answer because he takes up too much space in my mind and i become incoherent too often when talking about him.

2. Ignoring my first answer, He is ugly. My favorite punching bag. Cartoon character. Begins floating when he smells pie. I dont know anymore

3. he just like me fr (Which is terrible i dont like that)

#if any part of this doesnt make sense or isnt rightpleass correct me #This is what i mean by tsukasa makes me lose my mind #I really cannot think straight when it comes to this show freak #3. Is more of a complicated thing. I dont Actually hate relating to him im joking but uhh #idk how to explain this i mean theres still a Lot that makes us very VERY different uhh #i think sometimes its just a little bit of annoyance like Why him. Why is it always the egotistical blonde ones #also i wouldnt say relating to him as much as i do right now is that bad (although i am much more self aware than him so. Yeah sometimes #I get annoyed with myself as well) i think its just the way ive been treated like i AM him before because of how much i do #Like guys. Come on now i get seeing people as their pfps or fav characters but thats a bit much #And theres plenty of other characters i relate to #Anyways ignoring rant in tags #I need to sleep. Right now. I cant believe i stayed up just to talk about little freak Tsukasa Tenma #ramble #rant #might delete later #tsukasa tenma #tenma tsukasa #wxs tsukasa #pjsk #prsk #project sekai #idk what im yapping about #yapping #tsukasa pjsk #tsukasa #wxs #wonderlands x showtime #shouldve kept this in drafts AAHH!!!!!

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snekdood · 1 year

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bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool

#you sound like every cishet republican man to me #you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao #im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism.#you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want #doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans.#damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew #literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising.#when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret #eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure???#you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst #members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson #you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle #but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan.#literally grow tf up.#if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem #bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now #idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat?#not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it.#its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever.#if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to #animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.

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prontaentrega · 3 months

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i have to keep conciously reminding myself that i am non binary

#i hate microlabels i like just calling myself trans* and variations so i dont like calling myself nonbinary either #and also i still have a worm in my brain saying nonbinary is cringe (wrong and transphobic obviously but im still struggling with that)#ive been trying to get to a gender middle ground but for so long that meant going full masc on it because if people saw me as feminine it #usually read as cis girl which i did not like but things have changed on a lot of fronts and ive been having people gender me as exclusivel #male and im just now realizing (because i did not have that experience previously) that thats not it for me either #*if i were to get into the specifics i guess ''bigender'' or sometjing like that is the word bc im more on the being both man + woman thing #than the no gender at all variety of nonbinary #mmmm i dont like talking about this #but how much of that is just internalized transphobia #chizitxt

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straightlightyagami · 8 months

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you know until relatively recently i thought i'm at least like.. noticeably above average appearance-wise, i took it basically as a given since i was a little kid. but then i realized i'm actually ugly as fuck and nobody would ever pay any attention to me or find me good-looking or hot or whatever and i will be alone forever and die alone. so.

#iso.txt #vent post #obviously not posting a picture of myself so this is a pointless post. but it's better this way #i like the fact that lots of people here pay attention to me and it's because i'm smart and funny and say interesting things #every few days i realize this and start crying about it like some kind of idiot. i should get plastic surgery to fix all this but idek what #i told two of my friends about this and they gave me some nonsense about society and so on so thats basically confirmation lmfao #like if someone who is conventionally attractive asked you that you would Not fucking say that.#also some bs about how maybe nobody ever expressed any interest in me bc they don't think they'd have a chance. riiiiight lmfao #ik it's so superficial but i hate all of my features so much me being born was a mistake #i know that the fact that BASICALLY NOBODY EVER TRIES TO TALK TO ME is an indicator of that anyway #it just actually hurts like. i hope it's just bc where i live i'm not good at the language but maybe that's just cope #i just don't get it. i'm always better dressed than the majority of people in my classes. in my opinion.#like being presentable and shit matters doesn't it #maybe it's just that i sit in the front row and nobody there talks to anyone bc we actually want to take notes #i do have 'friends' but i don't get it. i don't get it how do you just 'meet people' who would ever pay attention to me.#the number of times i talked to someone who i wasn't introduced to by someone else is TINY #it's so unfair bc i'm like smart and funny and so on #sometimes if i squint im like well *i* think i'm kind of good looking. but LITERALLY NOBODY ELSE does #people only say that when they're trying to be nice.#now i'm thinking this type of post is going to make ppl think i post like a girl again and it's making me more upset but whatever idc idc #at best i'm 'cute.' people call me that a lot. i'm cute like a little kid is cute. i'd never be anything else to them.#i know it 'doesn't actually matter' but maybe it matters TO ME #basically any time i look in the mirror im reminded of all the reasons i ever wanted to kms

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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year

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...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

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layalu · 7 months

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Hate how i got into the habit of (objectively!) criticising/pointing out flaws with my work to compensate being overpraised as The Gifted Kid TM & how it makes me sound like i'm being self deprecating

#its such a hard habit to get rid of #tbf its true im not the best at taking compliments but mostly im just. allergic to praise i dont deserve and/or that singles me out #and it comes up every now and then w irl ppl how i am supposedly constantly talking myself down #even though among my artist friends i am doing that the least amount!#like. guys. there is a difference between not giving myself credit and acknowledging flaws #bc belive it or not i can do that without feeling shit about myself!#and half the time im not even talking abt myself im talking abt others?#cus i hate when people talk themselves down and i will often chime in to say what i think theyre good at #and bc *they* start comparing themselves to me i will then counter with what they are better at than me #or that yeah maybe xy about mine is better but ive also got a lot more practice #and idk i genuinely dont belive that is being self deprecating???#if anything you acting like im a prodigy or sth is devaluing the time and effort i put in to hone a skill #which btw being able to feel ok about my skillset including the goods and bads is also a skill i had to learn!#idk.#lay rambles #sorry for the rant this is just sth i get frustrated about way too often #this doesnt just apply to art but thats where it comes up the most #actually im not done sorry #this specifically was in the context that we got a project graded and the teacher graded us by comparing projects #(which is questionable in itself but i digress)#& then when it came to me i argued that the person he compared me to deserved a better grade and then listed a bunch of reasons #bc she visibly put in more effort and had included things i hadnt and i thought the grade was unfair #and i never once said i thought mine was bad or didnt deserve the grade! but i know i did not put much effort into it and that this showed #and yes it still turned out visually nice; i got pretty good at getting the most out of the least effort possible #and i acknowledge that this is also a skill!#but also pointing out the very visible differences in quality and effort is not? self deprecating?? or am i missing something???#and then had 4 ppl calling me out later for talking down my own project smh #like guys at this point youre just projecting #ik im grumbling abt this way more than warranted lol but a lil venting never hurts

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mrfoox · 2 years

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The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal.#I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me.#Negative #Abuse

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isabelguerra · 2 years

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i dont have an actual name for it but depressed college au is probably one of my favorites. i dont really care for the adults in paranatural and thinking about how the activity club/others might grow up and continue their lives is so much more interesting to me

#i started reading this comic when i was 15? i think? and now im recently 23. i cant really say i relate or want to relate to 12 year olds an #y more. and yeah i prefer a lot more nuance and complexity when crafting+ reading stories #but when your protags are 12. well. yeah pass #pnats adults are fine but the kids are the ones i have any actual emotional interest or compulsion towards #so when i write something that might be less 'yippee whimsical wacky adventures' and the options are spender and zarei. again theyre fine bu #t i dont really care enough about spender and zarei #but i still want to write about adults you know. BEING 12 was hard enough you could not PAY me to go back into that headspace #honestly thats actually why most of wizard au takes place in their later school years #like you know those aged up mob psycho 100 aus. where mob is like a fireman and ritsu is an english major and theyre not exactly having epic #adventures anymore but theyre coming into themselves etc. god. thats the stuff 2 me #i used to hate aged up aus as a teenager bc i thought it was the author/artists excuse to put kids in weird situations. and idk considering #it was 2015. yeah fair. but i do think i get it now. teenage years are hard and theres a certain part of that hardness that i love. things #like growing up [from a 17yo perspective] and people you love going to college and trying to find yourself and dealing w friends and fear #for the future. THOSE are the kind of teen stories i like reading about. but when you start getting tired and mellowing out and things that #come with the end of college and grad school and growing up [from a 22yos perspective] is similar. but its more somber. youre older now #when the protagonists become people. thats what i like #wizard au is fun as a huge intense magical adventure project but depressed college au is just like. where i can project.#drinking an entire pack of mikes hard lemonade by myself and lying on the floor talking to friends about how im scared and pushing myself #towards a career that i love but dont know i can achieve. friends leaving. getting an apartment for the first time. and the second and #the third. that feels better when i can sit down and go 'okay. someday isabel will do this too. i might not understand. my friends might not #understand. nobody could understand and i could be alone. but max woke up with a hangover today and i know what that feels like' etc #idk just feels better. taking your favorite characters with you while you go through things. by which i mean #'taking my favorite characters and making them go through things'#you want them to be safe and happy and having fun. i want them to feel fear. we both know what we want from fiction and treasure each #depressed college au #dcau

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ladynicte · 2 years

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Really wanna write fics but also it's kinda hard when I know I won't really get any interaction back from the months of hard work it will surely take

#like i know this is my own fault because i come from writing to a very big very active fandom and on a pretty popular pairing as well #so i was used to a lot of constant readers and comments and just feedback as a general #which in turn got me constantly writing at my best for literal years #so now when i dont automatically get that or really just get that as a general i get pretty demotivated pretty quickly #but still #it sucks a little when you publish like 5k of one chapter and it has zero comments hurts the soul a little bit is all #so yeah convincing myself to write fics for this fandom became pretty hard after i wrote that super big first fic and felt like yelling #into the void #i hate saying this kinda stuff because i feel like it comes off as entitled i know i dont just deserve and theres no reason i should just #get whatever thing i want #but its just a feeling and that's how i feel #either way i still wanna write so i will because thats my first most important motive to write #just it will be harder for sure #Luna's fics talks

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laikahh · 3 months

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youreaddictedtolonelinessand desperationitsthestrongestemotionyouveeverknownsoyoursubconscioustellsyouthatitsyourdestiny.com/careers

#sighh. class reunion done #the group i clung to as not to go insane from a lack of social interaction was there. i awkwardly stood next to them like i used to #i saw a window of opportunity to get away without it being (too) awkward so i took it. i hate myself so much its unreal #i want to think im normal and capable of social interaction but im? not?#& this isnt me being edgy its just the truth!!! there is something deeply wrong with me. & everyone can tell. & i dont know how to fix it #i need to get really good at Something. make myself useful so that people would want to be around me because of that at least #like bocchi! i have a bass guitar. i should learn to play it it would be fun. maybe someone cool will need a bass player at some point #SIGHH. well at least i have my tumblr blog.#it means a lot to me when u guys interact with me sometimes. and im sorry my responses are always really dry #its not that im uninterested in whatever youre saying my social skills are just very rusty.#im not saying this to like guilt people into interacting w me btw im just. emotional. thank you for being nice to me 🐺💕#anyway . my mother always tells me i will find people who i will like and who will like me back. and i still havent given up hope #that thisll happen !!! maybe in university. but probably not. but maybe it will !!!#ill learn to play bass and walk around w it alll the time . music people are usually nice? or like weird too at least #umm. okay i think ive lost the plot a little bit #sorry for the constant self pity on the dash i promise im not fishing for attention. i just dont really have anyone to talk to #i think i should be alone with my thoughts for a little bit now. logging off!#may post a bit about madoka if i feel like watching the last 3 episodes after i take a bath. but thats all ill allow myself after this #voidcore.txt

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29121996 · 4 months

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#all of this is Throwing me down the rabbit hole again btw.#i may not . ever say a fuckign Word to him. but i sure as fuck gst to look at him #and its hard Not To. hes still the prettiest man ive ever looked at!! im still attracred to him !!#i shouldnt be !!! but i am and im allowing that . i cant keep feeling like this tho ABDIDNDJ #i . am going to get So Hurt .#i mean it shouldnt b any different to any other similar situation but UNLIKE every other time .#we actually dated ! i actually love him n have a wild history w him ! its a lot dofferent !#its fine !!!!! im . yelling internally .#and atp i need to get laid . im seriously abt to just send libra a mssg n b like #i know this is weird n u can absolutwly say no. but how do u feel abt having sex #or wtv . bc . this call of celibacy was fun n helpful . but .#eniugh is enough i need to get laid. so i can shake some od whatever the FUCK is going on internally #anyway. im going Crazy internally . i gotta talk to my coworker abt getting a 2 drink max on myself #not vc im actually a menace !!!! or anyrhung !!!!#but bx !!! i keep saying dumb shit abt ppl while theyre around . n its not shit thats like #it cant get me into trouble . itll get me a talking to occasionally #but . (im talking abt one specific thing i sakd n if i dont unravel my ahite lie Now itll look bad)#so im bookibg a sesh w my ips worker to discuss tgis bx . i Fucked Up Kinda . and . i dont know what to do abt it bc i feel guilty #a little. i needed to. like i did what i had to do in the moment . but . i twisted thw truth a little to get what i wanted #n i dont Like That :( not to my manager.#bc she batted 4 me IMMEDIATELY . n i do hate that h eis so well fucking KNOWN.

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huraiyra · 1 year

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Vent was a good app. I had a mutual who actually lived right nearby and obviously we never met but one day I said that I hate this permanent line I have by my lips and it makes me feel so old and unsightly. and he told me, and I don't remember the exact words but he said, "that means you smile so much that it shows on your face". so... how can I ever hate myself again? my makeup cracks and displays a crease from my nose to my lips. my father tells my mother and I to be straight faced in pictures because our mouths crook in an ugly way. but how can I ever stop smiling and loving it when my face has memorized my joy so deeply it carved it out? even when I forget what joy is, she remembers. God.

#namedropping is bad right. sucks JULES we didnt talk a lot but you said some really nice shit that I'll remember forever #met lots of awesome people on Vent. miss them. some are still here tho HI... Vent is still here too I just refuse to acknowledge the zombie #pipe down moppet #thats how i talk to myself now. i hate on myself a lot but i remedy it by thinking... the lines are experience and life #scars wrinkles marks acne hyperpigmentation imperfection... proof that I have lived. and i feel better.

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be-good-to-bugs · 1 year

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well. back to the horrors

#the bin #ugh i hate hqving to work so much everyday #well. i had around 700 left over from last month which shoukd help with the cost of uberinv yomwork everyday now #might try the bus bc apparently they changed it and it runs earlier now but idk. im gonna talk 2.my boss and ask if i get there early or #late if thats ok. to a reasonable degree obv. i think he will say yes considering its cause my sister was in a car accident but idk 4 sure #once again didnt switch my sleeping over bc im a sleepy bug #FINALLY got the electric bill yesterday. havent got the water yet but itll prob b here soon #so i know now around how much theyll be. electric is usually more expensive than water too so #next month electric will prob be more bc of heat lamps always on for tha girlies but it should still not be terrible #i prepared myself for electric and water to be 300 total. i knew itd be less but i wanted to make sure i was prepared for it being a lot #now that i know how much ill need for that stuff each month i can tell how much i have to spend on fun stuff #probably gonna try getting a bunch of beads as my next thing bc i miss making kandi #getting so tired of my 1 coworker. she usually doesnt do my job anymore but when she does she makes a total mess and makes my life #so much harder. she also takes so long and spends sp much time just on her phone or talking to people and not working #which like. would be whatever except it makes the lives of 5 other people harder. me and the 4 other people in this department need things #to keep moving. not someone taking up a whole cart for 20 minutes and making a mess of the shelves #that makes it harder for me to put stuff away in a way that isnt precarious and it makes the morning suck bc everyone has to fix her mess #and its not that she doesnt know how. she does. shes worked her for 5 years. ive SEEN her do it properly. shes just lazy #i know its not 'cool' or whatever to take ur job seriously but i do. and i dont care if other people dont unless it makes my life harder

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invisibleoctopus · 1 year

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why do i have so many things that are comorbid with adhd and no psychiatrist ive ever had has tested for it. even the one in the same office asthe therapist who INSISTED i have it (at least inattentive). but he had a thing with making me advocate for myself (which did not fucking work) and i guess he was expecting me to tell the psychiatrist on my own but how would my autistic ass know to do that without him telling me. because i thought the PROFESSIONALS would talk about that together.

yeah and everyone else either didnt think it was worth it to test for adhd despite the comorbidities i guess. except the most recent guy who straight up didnt think i had it because i didnt fit the adhd stereotype. and the person who originally diagnosed me with "ass burgers" bc that was right before the DSM V and before that u couldnt be diagnosed with autism AND adhd it was just one

#le p2iigh #also i feel like there was just a lot of stuff he didnt know. at the time i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 #(why i thought i was hypomanic when i was clearly manic.) and like he was looking through my journal from the conversion camp #came across a place where i was really conflicted (because of being gaslit. being told being there was good for me.)#(i didnt even go there for gay shit i went there bc i wouldnt go to school. they just conveniently were also a conversion camp)#(so yeah the cptsd about school thing and those dreams #(i still need therapy i think about scheduling an appointment every other day and i never do it and i always hate myself for it)#oh yeah but he was like 'theres this where it looks like ur depressed AND manic??#first of all u dont know what a mixed episode is??? 2nd of all that wasnt even mania that was just me in a crisis under extreme stress #that stuff often leads to mania for me NOW but my first hypomanic episode wasnt until i was 17 living with my dads wife #anyway shoutout to the person who initially diagnosed me as autistic she was cool #definitely hinted at also being autistic and how thats how she could tell i was too. talking about textures and sensory stuff #the only way she could have made it more obvious is if she said she was autistic. but yeah this was barely months before the dsm v #telling myself to just go to therapy instead of making these posts.

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animeshotsh · 8 months

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Chains | Husk x SisOverlord!Reader / Yandere!Alastor x Reader |

Summary: Its been years since you saw your brother...

No one expected the doors of the Hotel to burst Open that afternoon. Vaggie was the first to react, being ready to fight whever decided to attack that day (it was becoming something normal).

Charlie on her part was jumping towards the stranger, ready to shake hands and introduce herself.

"Hello! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, im Charlie, whats your na-" Before Charlie could finish two voices sounded in the back.

"(Y/N)?"

"(Y/N) MY DEAR!!"

Husk and Alastor voices echoed in the looby, the only response their got were a set of flashing sharp poker cards being directed at the radio Demon and Husk.

"ITS HAS BEEN 12 YEARS AND THATS ALL YOU GONNA SAY?" You screamed at both men.

Husk looked away, shame over his cat face. Long time ago you two used to rule. The brother and sister duo, the ones who could destroy everyone. That was till Husk destroyed himself, giving his soul to the radio Demon. Leaving you behind.

Alastor was amused by your anger. He knew you hated him, he was the one who took your brothers soul after all. And he never felt remorse because of it, he was almost happy he did it. It was the only way he got to see you, ever if you only showed him hate.

He would take whatever from you.

"Wait...are you Husk's gilfriend?" Charlie still not catching up asked, getting the most bizarre look from you.

"Hell no, im his sister" You responded making the princess blush and apologie too much. "Its fine, I know he does not talk a lot about me"

Charlie could hear the sadness in your voice. She took a moment to see you, and now she saw how similar Husk and you were. Cat face a pair of wings, the colors were different and so were your eyes, but there was something that just connected you two.

"This is (Y/N), The Casino Demon, you bet against her and you lose your Soul" Alastor explained appearing besides you. "She and Husk used to rule together"

"Yeah, well thats in the past now" You responded to Alastor both of you killing each other with your eyes.

The tension was broken by Husk, "why are you here?"

"Im here because you are here and because I want to redeem myself" You responded with your head high, not looking at the obvious smirk from Alastor or the questioning look from Husk.

Charlie quickly took your hand, guiding you towards a desk to check you in, she ramble about the hotel, the guests and things they did in here.

You kind of feel bad for her, you could see her passion but the only reason you were in here was because of Husk. Ever since Alastor took his soul it ended being a game of finding him. Alastor would make Husk's soul appear and since you two were connected as brother and sister you would fly there only to find him gone and a smirking Radio Demon.

But this time, his soul had been in one place for a long time. So you decided to use this chance to be by your brothers side.

~☆~☆~☆~☆~☆~

Later that same night you went to the bar, Husk tried to ignore you, cleaning glasses but ended facing you. No one dared to speak first, silent tears fell from your eyes, slowly your hands reached his, his fluffy hair welcoming you.

"I have missed you so much" You said smiling at him. Husk felt his heart break, he knew how Alastor played with you using him. He had tried many times to make you hate him, but you never did. You also never fought Alastor knowing he would use Husk to get you.

"Lets have a drink for the old days"

~☆~☆~☆~☆~

After many drinks you went back to your room. So many years apart...Husk and you had so much to catch on.

"You know you cant have him back"

The radio Demon appear behind you, you ignored him not wanting to fall for his games.

"Not without a deal at least"

"And what would that deal be?" You asked not looking back at the Demon.

In a flash he got closer to you, not touching you but you could feel his breath down your neck.

"Your soul for his, be mine for the eternity and free him" Hell, you could feel the psycho smile and listen the radio laughts.

"Goodnight Alastor"

You left him alone outside your room. Alastor smiled to himself, hands behind his back he started to walk to his own room.

"Just a bit more" he whispered his body turning to his full Demon form.

"Just a bit more to be mine"

#hazbin hotel x reader #alastor x reader #husk x reader

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dizzybizz · 9 months

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hai here is a sketch dump with too many fandoms :) sorry about the ungodly amount of men here i have been going through it and by it i mean gay

ok wait i ran out of tags??? it wont let me tag them all😭😭😭 im gonna have to be sparing with them uhh i guess i will have to ramble under the cut then cus i like rambling in my tags but i cant with this one 😭

(ok im back from the ramble: it is way too long.... proceed forward if you want to see some guy just absolutely talk nonsense for entirely too long)

no cus i swear i have tried tagging more stuff than this before and never hit the limit but whatever

hello i really use this like a fkn blog huh

i just wanted to provide some thoughts on the harper and rosé one first bc its important to me 😌 cus i was thinking abt harper and how in my head and heart of hearts she would be the kid who thought you get pregnant from kissing and i dont think she ever really grew out of that belief. <- this ended up spawning the idea of harper being a sex-repulsed ace and i will die on this hill actually. fight me or die, you die either way actually nvm

this is just a buncha blorbos i dont know what to tell you really. sketch pages like these always end up so weird for me bc for some reason my brain always wants the characters in them to interact in some way. whether that be talking or just reacting to what the other is doing... its something i cant stop with, its so stupid and silly and i hate it and i love it. where else would i see kabru slowly losing his mind with how loud phoenix wright is in court????

I THOUGHT I HAD GOTTEN OFF THE RAILS WITH THAT BUT THEN THE NEXT PAGE HAPPENED. and all i could do was laugh and ask "what the fuck am i drawing??? HOW DID WE GET HERE? WHY IS THISTLE HERE WITH LEOPIKA HELP" LIKE that page started with the big leopika and then i was like "man i miss thistle lemme draw him real quick" but the curse struck and now hes being homophobic so </3

i rlly like how the nic(k) page turned out ... i just have a lot of nicks i like drawing idk.. the lil guy is an oc,,, one day his ref sheet will be finished and itll be awesome but not for now, sorry baby, no can do. im weirdly happy with how the hands turned out for all of them tho?? so thats a W

yotasuke, murai, nick (youll never know which one im referring to. .. jkjk its hoult i love the pose there ehehhe), nic and the entire last page r my favs. i like em all but those rlly get me yknow- the olly too ofc but ive already posted him, dont mind him being here, hes part of the set. AND OVER ALL IVE BEEN HAVING SO FUN WITH SHADING BLACK AND JUST LEAVING SPOTS BLANK ITS SO ?`????

WHY IS THIS SO LONG PLS DONT READ ALL THIS THIS IS STRAIGHT UP EMBARRASSING AGHSDFGSDHJSGD im all like "yeah i dont like talking about myself or whatever" but as soon as i get to my process or blorbos or smth the floodgates fucking break open, not even burst man.

also dont mind how i havent even acknowledged pingas twink pokemon counterpart. hes just here for shits and giggles i dont know the guy like at all, i watched a handful of eps of horizons and that was it RIP

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