#thats a whole other story I am sure you could find if you search that tag on my blog XD

[wangxianficfinder]

Fic Finder

Apr 7th

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1. Would have been Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian.

After the Sunshoot campaign and for some reason Wei Wuxian is in Cloud Recess and Lan Qiren discovers that they don’t have a core. But the lan clan had a technique to fix a lost core for others that had been attacked by others that could melt their core. @nikkiwhitecraft

I was the requester for #1.

I am sure that part of the story that Wei Wuxian and Lan Q had to travel, and that was when it was discovered that Wei Wuxian had no core, and Lan Q was annoyed he never said anything and the Lan Clan had a technique to restore a core that was lost/melted as the core melting clan was known.

Thats all I remeber

NOT FOUND Righteous at a Cost by thunderwear (G, 21k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, Canon Divergence, Fix-It, no one dies, LQR finds out about WWX’s core, WWX and LQR are friends??, In My Fic?, its more likely than you think, LWJ in the bg like whats happening?, Fluff, WWX goes to Gusu, Mutual Pining, Golden Core Reveal) Might be this? LQR discovers WWX lost his core, brings him back to CR & finds a way to restore it

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2. Hey! Im looking for a fic where the jins got the tiger tally, and that they wanted to 'flood the world with vermillion light'. I remember that it was post-the first siege of the burial mounds, and WY was maybe dead? After which the other sects had to fight the Jins, and there was also something about the people wishing that WY was alive. Please help me find it! Thank you so much!

FOUND! I'm pretty sure this is the deleted "When the World Comes Crumbling Down, you Will Call my Name" by pft_a_Frog22. The archive link was https://archiveofourown.org/works/35867848.

the deleted fic for #2 can be found at the wayback machine here

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3. Hi! I’m searching for a fiction on AO3 where Wei Wuxian is a Rogue cultivator, he founds Lan Wangji floating in a river/lake and saves him. Wangji don’t remember anything due to the trauma he has suffered and his core is damaged altogether. He had a severe injury on his back but when he recovers he starts to travel with Wei Wuxian, not knowing his brother is searching for him. Because of his poor health issues he breakdown with a fever in the middle of a hunt, far from everything, during this time Lan Wangji loses consciousness, Wei Ying is visited by a strange fox spirit, really creepy whom he made a pact with to save Lan Wangji life's. In the history, Wei Ying has an uncle that reach both of them to advise something, Lan Wangji discorver to be a really powerfull fox spirit, i think they call him Huxia or something like this, Wei Ying "dies" by the venom of a fierce corpse (most like become one of them) and is ressurected by the Jade Emperor himself, the Demon subdue palace is actually a palace and Wangji's mother was the previous Huxia.

I’m going crazy cuz I remember ALL the history, but not the name of the fiction.

I appreciate the help with all my little heart. ❤️ @myukisora

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4. Hi, could you please help me find a wangxian fic? I apologize for the inconvenience, especially because i don’t remember much of the plot except select few parts of it and i dont remember if it was a thread on twitter or on ao3.

The scenes i do remember are as followed: Prior to this scene, wangxian might have had an argument or were avoiding each other because i dont think they had spoken to each other in a while. The scene i remember is WWX going to JYL’s place where everyone is gathered for a get together, wwx dotes over JL, going on about how he’s the favorite uncle. When he enters the living room, he sees LWJ on the couch, and sitting next to him is JZX half brother MXY talking to him. He thinks they are sitting a little too close and he gets a bit jealous but doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if I remember it right, but i think people or mainly nhs kept saying how MXY resembles WWX, worsening the situation. Wangxian and their whole eye contact happens and everyone in the room is tense because of their interaction or lack their of. WWX suddenly goes to the bathroom, leaning into the sink…waiting and LWJ follows him in. They end up reconciling.

Thats all I remember, I know its not much, and i have been struggling as well because of it going through my bookmarks on ao3 and twitter. I’m hoping someone remembers this part as well and can mention the fic. Thank you!

Hi, the fic you mentioned is not the one :/ i am so sorry for the inconvenience. I can try adding more context. It’s the fic about WWX entering JYL’s party at her place and finding LWJ sitting on a couch with MXY. The scene is towards the very end so MXY’s presence is more of a cameo, he wasn’t present for the fic. WX might have a fwb situation that went wrong or it might be a lwj fucks fic. Lwj follows wwx to the br, its tense as wwx stares at him through the mirror but they both make up

NOT FOUND Talk Hard by DeviyudeThoolika (E, 161k, wangxian, LXC/JYL, JZX/WQ, JC/MM, Modern, College/University, Roommates/Housemates, rare pairs galore, Falling In Love, Getting Together, Separations, Getting Back Together, BAMF WWX, Drunk LWJ, Protective WWX, Good Parent YZY, Mutual Pining, Fluff, Cultivation Sect Politics, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending)

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5. Hi,

I’m trying to find a fanfic where instead of Jin Zixuan dying to Wen Ning at the pass it was Wei wuxian who pushed him out of the way and died instead? I’ve been trying for ages and still can find it. Thank you!

neither of these are exactly what you described, but it might be

NOT FOUND! A Butterfly Flaps, A Sword Stabs by RadAceFriend (T, 37k, JZX/JYL, JZX & WWX, JZX & LWJ, JZX & JGY, JZX & JL, Major Characted Death, JZX Lives, WWX does not, background wangxian, Not Jiang Family Friendly, Sect Leader JZX, POV JZX, Canon Divergence, the horrifying experience of killing someone you didn't like much, and finding out that you're one of the only people you know upset about it, Wen Remnants Live, LSZ is a Wen, WangXian Get a Happy Ending)

NOT FOUND! in this place where we don’t have a prayer by Cerusee, Mikkeneko (T, 42k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, WWX dies at Qiongqi path, Demonic Cultivation)

FOUND! finding you always, all ways by BlueFrogs (T, 31k, WangXian, ChengQing, Reincarnation, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Romance, Memory Loss, technically there is character death, but he comes back lol, Age Difference, due to reincarnation)

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6. Hi, hope you are having a great day! Could you, please, help find a fic, which, I think, had a wangxian arranged marriage due to growing Wen threat, but honestly cannot remember the exact premise. But there was a scene where wrh manages to get wq married to lwj as a second wife, and wwx felt like he failed the Jiang-Lan alliance. And there was a big confrontation between wq and wwx, where she tells him the reason for the marriage was to save her family. And lwj might have been ill or cursed and wearing a mask (not sure).

FOUND? The deleted "A Price to Pay" by wangxianist.

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7. Looking for help finding the name of this fic on ao3 I’m have trouble hunting it back down. Burial mounds settlement days canon divergence.

Essentially the premise is that the people living in Yiling often see Wei Ying taking care of and teaching A-Yuan by the river and a woman one day who was also there to wash her clothes asked him to look after her son while she was busy. This snowballed into Wei Ying basically running a little informal school out of Yiling where he teaches and just looks after any child that is brought there, including orphans and prostitute’s children which is kinda illegal. Lan Zhan knows and regularly visits. If the children show aptitude for cultivation they usually get sent to the Lan or (later in the story) the Jiang. The rest of the Wens kinda accidentally become a part of the Yiling community so much so that they all move out of the burial mounds and into the town proper. Because they’ve all left the mounds and disconnected pretty hard from the cultivation community they don’t even realize that the Jin’s sent people to attack the mounds. They found no one and declared to the world that they had slayed the rest of the wen dogs alongside Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng only finds out his brother is alive because he’s been informed that a small school in the Jiang territory hasn’t been paying taxes and when he goes to investigate finds Wei Ying safe and sound. @coffeehousefanfics

FOUND? Just as the Snow Melts by draechaeli (T, 66k, wangxian, JYL/JZX, SL/XXC, Everybody Lives AU, Canon Divergence)

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8. Hello, could you please help me find a fic where Lan Zhan finds a number to call Wei Ying which Help? to people at night and calls himself patriarch yilin afterwards They (wei Ying and lan Zhan) meet in the university library

FOUND? Maybe You’re the Reason by Clearpearls (E, 67k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Phone Sex, slight D/s, Secret Identity, Praise Kink, Phone Sex Operator WWX, he’s part-time though, slight internalized sexual repression, Fluff, Light Angst, Dirty Talk Orgasm Delay/Denial, Slow Burn, Sub LWJ, Bottom LWJ, Vibrators, Aftercare, Introspection)

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9. There's an au where Wangxian are like murder husbands and it has very dark themes. It's a series but I remember one of the fics in it had a scene where a woman tries to get their attention so the other cuts off her body parts or something like that? Would you be able to help me find it?

FOUND? So Full Of Love (Wouldn't Know Where to Start) by witchupbitch (M, 63k, wangxian, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Possessive LWJ, Protective LWJ, Blood and Violence, Killing, Idiots in Love, Humor, Mafia AU, Modern, Flirting, shameless WWX, Confident WWX, Explicit Language, Swearing, Mutual Sexual Tension, dark LWJ, Dark WWX, They're both twisted, Exhibitionism, Sex, Possessive Behavior, Unhealthy Relationships, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings)

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10. Hey!!! Love your work!

Do you know of a fic where jiang cheng's younger self sort of takes over his future self for some while before going back and this repeats for some time? I remember a young jiang cheng talking to older wwx. Older wwx doesn't believe that it's really the younger jc so he asks him to ask about why wwx dislikes dogs (i think). Young jc asks young wwx and it's because www had a pet dog named 'doggie' who had turned on him during the winter. Sorry that's all I can remember

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11. Hi, I dunno if my ask got lost in the mail but i was looking for a fic that had a line "lan wangji was a musician, he know how to make his hands do different things" in reference to one hand jackin wwx off and the other up his ass. if this sounds familiar lemme know please

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12. Hi! I really am looking for this story in AO3 and still can't find it. It was about Wei Wuxian who got married to Wen Chao but Lan Zhan couldn't take it so he plans to take Wei Wuxian back by claiming Wei Wuxian each time he got (even in the wedding night of WWX and WC) and destroying the company of the Wens. As they (LWJ & WWX) continued the deed, WWX ended up pregnant and LWJ is more than determined to take WWX back. I do hope you can help me find this story. Thank you in advance!😘

FOUND? 姻緣 | this marriage was always predestined by saccharinings (E, 43k, wangxian, Cheating, Infidelity, not between wangxian, WWX is married and LWJ persuades him to cheat on his husband with him, Dark LWJ, A/B/O, Feminizing Language, Exhibitionism, Size Difference, WagnXian Have a Breeding Kink, Stomach Bulge, Possessive LWJ, Manipulation, WWX Wears Lingerie, Rape/Non-con Elements, for one part, Hair-pulling Kink, Alpha LWJ, Omega WWX, Mirror Sex, Vibrators, Phone Sex, Rimming, Edgeplay, slight choking kink, Light Bondage, Inappropriate Use of Gūsū Lán Forehead Ribbon, LJY's Big Fat Crush on Milfxian, Pregnant WWX, WangXian Endgame, Spanish Translation)

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13. Hello! I've been trying to find a fic I lost on AO3 for a few days now so hopefully you can help 💚💚

It was canon-verse but an AU where lwj and wwx hadn't met and wwx was still the Yiling Patriarch. Someone has an idea to give wwx a "bride" and wwx picks lwj and he goes to live at the burial grounds with wwx and the wens. At some point lwj gets stabbed and almost dies and wwx reveals he picked lwj because he assumed lwj would be in on some kind of plan to spy on/hurt wwx and the wens but lwj wasnt a part of that at all. It had a happy ending but i cant remember exactly what it was. Pls help 🥺 i want it in my bookmarks soooo bad

FOUND? 💖🔒 love, in fire and blood by cicer (E, 360k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, YLLZ WWX, Arranged Marriage, political scheming, Gratuitous Domesticity, Mutual Pining, EXTREME SLOWBURN, the inherent eroticism of the forehead ribbon, The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known, neither wwx nor lwj want to be Perceived, but sorry kids! it's gonna happen!, rated E but the the NSFW stuff doesn't begin until chapter 19!, bottom LWJ in chapter 20 and 27)

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14. For the next fox finder

Pls help me find this fic where wwx and lwj are night hunting and wwx gets hurt badly lwj makes a deal with a spirit/god but in exchange to save wwx he will lose his love/ emotions (he only acts on what’s needed not on the things he like or is want)

Wwx ofc suffers because of this but is able to re awake lwj love after 3 years while he’s playing wangxian (( he has already lost hope lwj would recover his emotions))

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15. hi! im looking for a post canon fic where jc sends a letter to cloud recesses saying that gusu lan owes him a debt since wwx married into the lan. lwj responds very angrily. it wasnt jc friendly and at the end of the fic, wwx finds a bitter letter from jc who dies alone. wwx and lwj live longer and happier lives. id love it if you could find it, thank you!

FOUND! The Price of a Golden Core by AshayaTReldai (M, 9k, wangxian, LXC & WWX, WWX & JC, Major Character Death, Angst, Tension, Aggression, JC pays the price for his choices, demanding letters, JC is a Brat, Supportive Lan Brothers, WWX deserves the best, Life Debt, Sad Ending, Sad Ending for JC)

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16. Hi! So, I’m looking for an AO3 fic, Lán Zhan/Wei Ying, that I read what feels like years ago and I can’t find it again. I remember it is a bit of a dark lan zhan or dark cloud recess fic, with Wei Ying being brought to this ‘hunt’ type thing with a group of people. I believe all the people brought are given Lán Zhans scent, so that he may track them. I also believe that it’s not expected that the participants will survive, and they’re being offered a reward if they do. Please help me find it! @diabolic17

FOUND? 🔒 Five Fifteen by 3neetee (M, 11k, wangxian, rape/non-con, modern, ABO, alpha LWJ, omega WWX, mating runs, graphic depictions of violence, dom/sub undertones, light bondage, rape/non-con elements, dark LWJ, betrayal)

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17. Hey mods! 💜

I’m pretty sure I found this fic on here but now I can’t seem to find it. I’m not sure if it was on a itmf or fic finder. But it’s the one where wwx takes a curse from some ghost in order for her to move on. It’s a curse where he can’t see or feel anyone that feels “strongly” about him. He assumes the juniors all either hate or fear him and I forgot what he assumed lwj. They say to break the curse he has to accept the others’ feelings. So he tried to accept the fact that jin ling hated him although jin ling did not mean what he said and was confused at how wwx reacted. I think lan jinyi was the one who figured out wwx couldn’t see them because he launched at him as if he was going to attack him and wwx didn’t flinch. In the end he starts seeing and feeling impressions of them until he can see them in full again. Please help? I’ve been through my history and bookmarks and all open tabs of ao3. No such luck.

Thanks for all that you do! @jikcf

FOUND! See Me, Feel Me (Listening to You) by Ghost_Honey (T, 29k, WangXian, POV WWX, WWX Needs a Hug, WWX’s Abyssmal Self-Esteem, Emotional Healing, Angst, The Juniors love their Senior Wei, Curses, WWX is an Unreliable Narrator, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Cuddling)

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18. Hi! I’m searching for a fic that I’m pretty sure was a threadfic on twitter... It was foxian and dragonji, and LWJ came across WWX while he was in heat in a cave and they mated. WWX went back to Lotus Pier not knowing who he’d been with only to find himself pregnant. He has hybrid babies and LWJ eventually tracks him down and he turns out to be a prince or something? WWX goes to visit Cloud Recesses, still unsure about LWJ. There was also a scene when one of the babies gets snatched by an eagle or some other bird and LWJ saves them? I think that’s as far as I got, as it was a WIP at the time and I lost track of it. Thank you!

FOUND? Twitter thread by cerbykerby (wangxian, cw: dubcon, mpreg, memory loss)

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19. Hello! Hope you're well! I've been looking for a fic like crazy and have not been able to find it, so hopefully you know it? It's a fic where instead of nie mingjue dying, nie huisang dies as a result of jgy and nmj attacks the cloud recesses because he blames Lan xichen in part due to him defending jgy. Please help me find this if you can. Thank you in advance!!! 🫶🙏🏼 @cherryblossom8

FOUND! Digging Graves by nirejseki (Not rated, 13k, NHS & NMJ, WWX & XY, wangxian, Revenge, Broken Moral System, Non-Graphic Violence, the masterless sabers)

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20. Pls there was this one fic in ao3 , I was so looking forward to it but I lost it 😭😭😭I don’t know much about it but the summary was smth like Wwx getting pregnant and being in an island?? Shizui grows up and smth please 😭

FOUND? The Winner Takes It All by YilingSani (M, 46k, WangXian, Modern AU, Single Parent WWX, Old Friends, One Night Stands, No Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Forgiveness, Second Chances, Inspired by Mamma Mia! (Movies) Teen Pregnancy, Mpreg, mention of miscarriage, Birth Trauma, amniotic fluid embolism)

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[bye-bye-firefly]

Ooh! So, ya know how a few days ago you were talking about how the first fic you wrote was a choromatsu x reader fic? I suddenly remembered you mentioning that the first fic you wrote was a time loop fic and now I’m curious as to what the plot for that was

Also, I just came to the realization that I don’t have to scroll through my following list to find your account, I can just use the search button. I know this is probably like really obvious to everyone except for me but I am very excited about this!

okay so the plot was essentially like. it starts out super normal right. for a WHILE its a normal x reader was the idea. like you get you (reader) just hanging out with the boys and getting closer to them, though i really wanted to focus on choromatsu at the time. long after this fic was deleted, i also had the idea of making it be like a multiple-choice thing so i have a bunch of chapters with the same numbers with different letters beside them to differentiate choices, which was ALSO going to play into the fic. i wasnt really that far into the story when i deleted it, so i couldve reasonably added chapters where you get to know all the boys and get closer to them. but yeah you think its normal youre lulled into a false sense of security and then i was going to reveal the time loop like BAM theres a time loop. and it was going to become CRAZY TOWN in there but i never got to that part because i was very flustered and frustrated with it. but choromatsu was aware of it and then the reader became aware of it

i also had the idea of it being like. the end of the choromatsu route feels like its all settled and done with but then it reveals its not. the loop keeps going or the reader resets. and then if a reader was really curious they could go through the other x reader chapters and see what the fuck is going on and it would basically be like There is no proper end. and the whole thing hinges on the fact that you, the reader, are NOT COMPLIANT WITH THE CANON OF THE UNIVERSE. you DO NOT EXIST in this story and you SHOULDNT. this SHOULDNT be something thats happening and YOU ARE AWARE OF THIS. i wanted it to get really meta and the horror was going to be amazing i had a scene planned where the reader goes to hang out with one of the boys, walks into the house, and theres nothing there and you just get to talk to god. i wanted it to very quickly spiral out of control with the multiple options that you could respond with and for the text of god to become very jumbled and nonsensical (because theyre answering ALL THE RESPONSES instead of JUST ONE because there is NO WAY to tell which response you choose in the format i was writing the story in) until you get to the end, where god kicks you out and tells you to keep going. i wanted the final chapters to be either a) the reader systematically removing themselves from the story as a selfless act for the boys or b) the reader KEEPS FIGHTING the will of the universe until the fic collapses in on itself. like the universe just gives up and you can TELL it just gives up. the universe lets out a final breath

talking about it you realise that this is a really huge idea that really i could not do on my own. i think that i could write an individual story like this and i do love the idea of meta-commentary, ive always wanted to get meta in my stories, but this is a REALLY BIG idea. especially considering there are six brothers? and because they are six different people, there needs to be six different plots? like yeah im not doing that . sure its all going to eventually focus on the time loop but like. i need to keep lulling the people who choose osomatsu into a false sense of security until he learns about the time loop.

and also its juggling a reader that may or may not know theyre in a time loop. you have to constantly write as if it could be either or so that readers can come back and be like Holy fucking shit because that is probably the best feeling as a reader is being able to go back and Realise. and i cannot pull a nameless and have the reader character be expectant that theyre in a time loop because when that comes out, it would make more sense for the reader to be in shock no matter WHAT version of the universe theyre in. the person who should be acting like they know is choromatsu because he has a reason to. and of course, as time goes on and as you continue reading through the routes, choromatsu becomes more and more suspicious of you. but its hard to write this when its like. do you want this to be multiple choice or do you want this to centre on choromatsu. because wanting it to centre on choromatsu makes this make sense, but then adding in multiple choice and writing the multiple-choice sections at the same time, it makes the whole concept fall apart. if a reader comes into the story and starts reading the ichimatsu route, theyre going to be hit with these things that they dont even understand. theyre reading the story completely out of whack BUT THATS HOW ITS MEANT TO BE READ me making it multiple choice means that im ALLOWING this to be the experience they get.

like as banging as this story sounds in my head and as banging as the chapters i have written are (as banging as they could be considering i was 16 years old writing them) i do not think i could actually post this because it would just be really confusing to follow if you consumed the story as it was meant to be consumed which could potentially be TECHNICALLY out of order. people do this with the how to: series as well there are a lot of people who have read how to: happy and have NOOOOO fucking clue what is going on in there. they came for KARAMATSU ANGST and NOTHING MORE they DID NOT expect there to be HORROR NIGHTMARES but that is exactly what they got. so i just know that is how that would go with this series which i know for sure would fuck people up. you walk into a 150k+ jyushimatsu x reader and on the 14th chapter youre in there talking to fucking god like HELLOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

[idkman-fish]

i like how people in my irl life tend to assume I'm leading a *somewhat* normal life meanwhile I'm over here infodumping to my family a horror story thing I'm making thats sort of like Marble Hornets mixed in with the movie Missing(specifically the movie where the mom dies and a man goes batshit crazy trying to search and find his daughter) and some other things among that-

like I'm gonna be in the process one day of making a whole playlist for this series I'm making, I will also be sharing my UnVale profile to show my characters, even though yeah pretty sure no one is gonna see it, but its fun

sometimes I wish though that there was atleast a few people i could infodump about this story too because it's something I know I'm going to be super proud of one day and I've been working on this actual story since 2022, practically 2 years by now, except only now am I beginning to get inspired and start writing things down, designing characters, writing the story and everything!!

I'm probably also gonna drop part of the story onto my profile here or a sideblog, dunno, but I want so badly to be able to share stuff about things I'm passionate about, and get feedback and suggestions, etc. I want to be able

idk why im rambling anymore, tumblr is just my ramble corner, but ig grim signing off now! thank you for reading my autism powered ramblings

[sehunniepotwrites]

HAAAAAAAI i'm so glad i could bring a smile to your face in your day through my messages heheheheh ☺️ how was your day today!!!

omg is this telepathy or what! i was just considering and thinking of whether i wanted to pursue a masters after finishing up my undergrad degree studies!! hehe what's your masters in if it's not too private to ask 🫢 i was just thinking of doing masters because of my current timeline!! it's rly rly tuff to find a job here after graduating because the mkt is currently just kinda meh :/ so i was just wondering if perhaps going for masters would put me in a better spot!! but then again masters is something i can decide at a later time so rn im just gathering opinions from ppl who have taken it! wbu!! do u have any thoughts or opinions? :")

OMGGGGGG have i mentioned im a SUCKER for childhood besties concepts cuz that's just so so so cute 🥹🥹 I LOVE IT I CANT WAIT!!!! 😍 and my goodness how r u alw so creative w your ideas??? iM so unimaginative that like stories alw amaze me 🫢 hehehehe and HELLO wdym u have a life like a fic odnfoenfoke THATS SO COOL AND SWEET N LOVELY gosh i'd WISH i had like one thing from a fic ever happen to me 🥰🥰🥰🥰

AHHHH im so glad u could meet your friends and hang out together!! wish u had as much fun as u possibly could!! hehehehe how nice would it be if we could always be hanging out w our besties and just spending time together 🥺 hope you guys r meeting again soon!!! sounds rly rly fun to karaoke together it's been so so long for me to both karaoke and meet my friends cuz literally everyone im close to or care about is on exchange this semester :/

which brings me to my never ending rant of how despresso espresso i am this semester >< it's a rly tuff time in my life rn cuz im trying to navigate and find an internship that matches both my interest and my degree cuz it is a graduation requirement for me 🤡 i guess im at least getting somewhere w the search cuz i did have a pretti good offer lately! and im currently just pending the outcome of another role i interviewed for under the same company before making a decision (if i do get offered by the other role too heh) 😊 but then im just rly rly LONELY this semester and im just sad cuz im attending classes and doing everything by myself :/ and i dont have friends arnd locally rn that i could meet and just unwind after a period of stress so its rly draining me a lot on top of my never ending assignments projects and exams 🥲🥲 and yea ldr is so so tough and its so hard to keep my emotions in check because of how big of an overthinker i am so im always just having sleepless nights, constant nightmares and sometimes even sleep paralysis 🥲 i guess im becoming more independent from this whole experience though! forces me to become a whole even without everyone by my side and to continue living and functioning, doing what i should be doing!

i love coming to talk to u and reading all your responses too!! 🩵 m alw looking forward to your replies and your kind words to me hehehehe keeps me going!!!

love, 🍑

i've spent the weekend in bed becuase i'm sick again! i binged s2 of the summer i turned pretty and i cried a whole bunch. i love how they really took the angsty route this season--really showed how diff people deal with grief! probs gonna call out tomorrow because i've been sneezing like crazy and my voice is lowkey gone ;; i think i'm gonna try to get some writing done and post a teaser for a story that may never be completed but it's too good to just stay in my drafts!!

oh sure, i have my masters in education. i went thru a one year ma program with a teacher's cred tied into it too. my program was unique in that they condensed a two year prog into one accelerated and it was the toughest year of my life tbh. working full time as a teacher and going to school full time for basically two degrees was tough.

i love all my ideas but i haven't been able to finish them!!! i really want to get them out to the world bc theyre too good to sit in my drafts but it's so incomplete!! the one i am thinking about posting can be a standalone because its such an open-ended ending but there's still WAY more planned for it.

if you have time, playing games together online is a good way to keep in contact. we played pictionary on a website and it was super fun during the pandemic a lot!

it looks like youre slowly getting your ducks in a row for the internship despite the stress! but i see how missing your so and friends can affect your mood. feeling alone is never the best feeling and i totally see where you are coming from. but look at you, you're already looking at the positives out of your stressful situation! that's so great! you can only go up from here, you know? and listen, this is something i always tell my students, each person has their own timeline--their own time to make mistakes, to figure out what they want or need, etc. you may take longer than others but you don't need to worry about others. worry about you and focus on the things you can do for yourself to make you better. and if you make a mistake, that's just a lesson you can take. it's all about your growth mindset!

love u lots!!!

[jerrardsjournal]

AN OPEN LETTER TO BLACK WOMEN.

i wanna open my letter to y’all by saying I love y’all. My life is dedicated to finding me a beautiful black woman and loving her in ALL WAYS always. i am a flawed man that has definitely disappointed a few women along this journey of understanding what truly matters in regards to love. BUT IM STILL HERE. finding new layers to love and to myself all with one goal: to find me a black woman who i can give my all too.

a quick search will show you that historically speaking black men go for other races way more than black women. On the flip side, y’all stayed looking for love from a black man and that type’a loyalty should be rewarded from us. And i’m deeply sorry that we’ve let a lot of y’all down.

I hope that whoever reads this knows that, while we (black men) DEFINITELY need to improve, it’s not all without reason. It’s widely documented that as a black man we’re at the bottom of the hierarchy and that position comes with its own unique set of plights. i’ll use the most overused example: money.

For a black man finding a career that leads to success is like finding a needle in a haystack. From family dynamics, environment, and a lack of proper educational resources, black men are at a disadvantage when it comes to finding a career.

And as it becomes more difficult to live comfortably in america without high skill level jobs (one’s that we don’t get because america has deemed us incapable) black men are pushed further behind. Our value as a black man in America is deemed by how much more money can we make the establishment than other black men. Imo, that’s the only way to get these top tier jobs. Whereas other races just show up as themselves because america has accepted them. that’s how they keep blacks in the rat race.

Shit goes even deeper when you think about how society puts so much emphasis on money determining the value of a man only to offer black people less for simply being black. i’ve seen the stories of black people applying for jobs and getting offered less compensation than their peers with similar credentials.

a lot of discourse online right now is in response to Tyler Perry and his stance on relationships. I do believe he’s right when he suggests realigning your priorities to find love. i simply wish he wouldn’t have solely directed his comments toward BW and accepting less when they deserve MORE.

His example of a man only being able to pay the light bill and for BW to be okay with that is irresponsible. It’s based in hyperbole and doesn’t truly address the nuance of dating and finding love as a whole.

now i’m sure there are situations where, depending on relationship dynamics, a BM might only have enough for one bill because of other financial obligations and hardships. Whether we’d like to admit it or not, not all of us are destined for 6 figure lifestyles. & not all of us are going to be able to overcome the handicaps that come with being black.

If a man finds a woman to accept him and his circumstances then HE HAS to pour into her in other ways. He has to remove himself from the idea that money/sex is the only thing that determines his value. because i guarantee you that only being able to pay one bill will make him insufferable. He’s going to look past all the other ways he could bring value simply because he’s not able to provide in the way he wants. Then he’s going to take it out on his partner because his ego is bruised which causes him to be spiteful. AND…in all of that STILL expect the BW to be there to make him feel better. THATS WRONG!

we need to be teaching our BM how to overcome these obstacles built to tear down black people as a whole. Financial literacy, proper support of our BW, changing societal influences, etc. Its not the responsibility of BW to accept less. It’s our responsibility to do more.

i think people as a whole need to remove the importance money/success plays into their lives. Stop using what white people have historically done and trying to mimic that for your own lives. They operate within a set of rules that we’ve never been afforded. And even with the rules in their favor not all white people get to see the generational wealth we all so desperately want.

Harsh truths are helpful towards progress. so i think it’s important to say that some of us aren’t going to acquire crazy success to live an above average life by financial metrics. Most BM are going to need the help of a BW to build a lifestyle that suits their needs and desires.

if you don’t want to accept that then i see one of two outcomes: you being alone until you get where you want be in life cause you don’t wanna waste time/hurt someone. or you hurting someone cause you can’t handle being alone while also devaluing your worth because you don’t have money to back it up.

with all that i leave off with two things:

BM - it’s time for us to start correcting each other properly. It’s time to spread the message that it’s on us to do more. and that doesn’t have to always mean money. work on your character, your mindset to relationship commitment, your ability to love your BW fully on a consistent basis and what that truly means.

BW - my questions to you all are: when can we discuss the adverse effects of y’all loving black men so much that y’all treat us as a monolith when we all aren’t the same? When will black men get grace for being brought up in a society that historically disenfranchised them? being brought up in a society that doesn’t promote the highest levels of love and companionship but instead promotes surface level intimacy disguised as love. all the while stripping black people of a family unit to protect us from that influence. yes, we have hurt so many of y’all countless times. but grace isn’t y’all sticking around because you love us. grace isn’t attributing mistakes to a black man’s character in perpetuity. For example if a man lies, that doesn’t make him a liar FOREVER;he just lied in his past. but a man that murders is a murderer FOREVER because that’s too extreme to shed off. however, i feel like there’s no difference between the two with y’all.

PS: i hope one day we can all see that america destroyed the black family and left black people to fight amongst ourselves over who’s to blame for that. and who’s to blame for us hurting each other from the pain of living our reality for the past 400+ years.

[elithilanor]

Hello!! Thank you for the tag! I accidentally saved this on this account so sorry it’s for both. Please enjoy my “It’s too goddam hot in the Bay Area” nighttime rambles as I suffer.

Answers also under the cut for length!

Rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic? -10 -> very dissuaded  0 -> don’t care either way  +10 -> very enticed  nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged. Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

Age gap: -5 to 0

…it depends…

We talking vampires or other magical creatures persuing each other or a human who is at bare minimum 22/23 years of age? Yeah sure.

Also humans that are in similar stages of life and are all at least 25 or older, but have an age gap otherwise? Ehh okay.

Not my favorite, though, and I don’t look for it.

Codependency: -5

I don’t think I’ve ever looked for this and I probably wouldn’t unless I needed some hardcore past hurt/current comfort or healing fics?

Would absolutely read it as part of a healing fic or something. Those are hard, but really good and fun and often some of the best written stuff I’ve come across (eg, Partake).

Obsession/Possessiveness/Jealousy: Nope/-10

Automatic no if a character is acting on it in a serious and continual way.

Will deal with it annoyingly and think it’s ridiculous if there’s an instance in a fic.

I really vibe with characters exploring their own issues with it and working on it in a healthy way.

Literally one of the main reasons I don’t write Haldir (or anyone, but especially him) as jealous when a lot of people do is I literally hate this. Are you really so insecure and untrusting of your partner that you think it’s acceptable to behave in that manner (eg, angry, possessive, isolating, etc.)? No. Just no.

I support it as a consensual kink exploration but not character behavioral issues.

Opposites (grumpy sunshine etc.): +5

Goth gf and her bubblegum gf 🥺

Also Wangxian 🥺

You need something to bring them together (eg, same values like Wangxian), but this is a good one!

Enemies to lovers, enemies to benefits: +5

Yes, if it’s really organic.

Huge fan of the “who hurt you.” UGH THATS MY SHIT (also hurt/comfort haha)

Friends with benefits: +5

It depends on how it’s written honestly, but I love how much potential there is. And you can get some good gems about how people don’t necessarily have to get into/stay in a relationship. Let people have different dynamics than alloromantic and allosexual!!!

Sex to feelings: +7

Love it! I just feel like it could be utilized waay more and it’s not annoying because it’s not as common. Also most I’ve read of this are I credibly well written and have a lot of nuance, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Fake dating/relationship: +7

Absolute favorite! I love it! Let the shenanigans ensue! One big bed!

Friends to lovers: -5

*insert the most exasperated and drawn out sigh here* It could be worse, I guess?

I don’t willingly look for this or click on it. If I’m reading it, it’s usually more of a minor tag in a whole series of others or I really trust the author and am willing to give it a shot.

Its like. People who make this the main tag and focus of a story tend to make it really pining and angsty, but the whole focus is the lack of love/sex and how much the people went the love/sex.

Whereas people who use it as an additional or explanation tag (or that’s what it ends up being partially), it’s usually part of a larger story, eg war or friendship or technical magical shit or an ensemble host of characters.

I’m not a fan of the first but can really get behind the second and often enjoy them.

Found family: +1M

Hands down one of my most searched and most beloved tropes.

Specific emphasis on the found family. I prefer this as an ensemble cast/no romantic entanglements within a group of people, but that’s actually not easy to find at all 😭

Hurt/Comfort: + 1M

Hands down one of my most searched and most beloved tropes. Emotional hurt, physical hurt, you name it! If there’s good comfort at the end - by the one(s) perpetrating the hurt or not - I’m willing to put up with a lot. 😂

Love Triangle: Nope

Automatic no UNLESS it ends in a poly ship. Like I really fucking hate this one. I feel like I’d hate it less if was less used but it is used constantly. So. Here we are.

Poly/open Relationships: +10

Almost automatic yes (there are exceptions).

Must be actual poly and none of that “im cheating so it’s poly” nonsense.

I love a good harem fic that isn’t solely sex-focused. Sing it with me y’all : good, good dynamics

Mistaken/hidden identity: 0

Eh, it really depends on vibes and how well it’s written. Some people just write it - idk if maliciously is a good word, but it kind of fits and I really hate that.

I’m much more of a fan of mistaken identity rather than hidden identity.

Monsterfucking: +5

Sure, why not! Some of my favorite TAZ: Balance porny fics involve tentacles. It’s just how it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

Also this also covers soooo much ground that I feel like unless you really hate mythological creatures, most people like this in some form. I mean, vampires, werewolves, sirens, selkies, mermaids, deities technically if it depends on how you classify monster, human-changing dragons, hybrid, etc all fit under this category.

So yes. Definitely yes!

Pregnancy: -5 to +5

It really fucking depends and that includes the mood that I’m in when I come across it. I don’t generally like kid fics but pregnancy fics are okay sometimes?

+5 to mpreg. I really, really fucking love mpreg just like I really, really like alpha or dom women. I actively seek out mpreg fics and I will die on this wonderful hill.

Second chance: 0

Mmm depends on what the prompt is asking which I’m not really sure about.

Love a good resurrection, though!

Slowburn: 0 to +3

Depends. I’m pretty picky about it and can only truly tolerate it as part of a larger story (eg not solely focused on the romance). Also like what does it even mean to slowburn? Is it only used in a romantic and/or sexual context? Because that’s all how I ever see it.

It takes them a long time to realize feelings? Super yes! They’re going slow physically to learn and love each other? Yeah! They’re pining and pining and there’s miscommunication after miscommunication because otherwise there’s no plot? Fuck no, please stab me.

Soulmates: +5

I really like the concept and variety overall, but whether or not I’ll read it really depends on how it’s written.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! :)

No pressure tags: @wareagleofthemountain @glassgulls @starlady66 @sotwk @fenharel-enaste @outofangband

Trope Rating Game

rules: How much do these tropes affect your decision to click on a fic? -10 -> very dissuaded  0 -> don’t care either way  +10 -> very enticed  nope -> if it’s a hard no and you’d never click on a fic with that tag or you even have the tag blocked or you’d insta click out of the fic if it wasn’t tagged. Bonus points for explaining the rating and whether it’s conditional.

tagged by: @thesolarangel thank you!! this was so much fun!

answers under the cut for length

Age gap: -5

VERY picky with this one and it tends to put me off fics unless it's by someone I trust. It just depends -- if it's written well, then I'll go for it, but it has to be written well.

Codependency: 0/-10000000 (it depends)

As a trope??? Again, same as above tbh. If it's written by someone I trust and/or it's written well, and portrayed correctly, and not as an appropriate/healthy/good dynamic, but rather the writer has put thought into it and is using fiction to explore codependency between people, then I'm all for it. But if it's written like it's sexy then it's like a -100000 for me.

Obsession/Possessiveness, jealousy: 0/-1000000 (it depends)

Same as prev! I find it really interesting and juicy when it's being explored, but not a fan of stories where it's portrayed as sexy.

Opposites (grumpy/sunshine etc): +10

CUTE CUTE CUTE

Enemies to lovers, Enemies with benefits: -5

Kinda tired of this trope tbh. If a friend has written it, I'll give it a shot, but generally this is not at all something I look for in fic.

Friends with benefits: 0

I'm not gonna seek it out but I don't mind if it's there!

Sex to feelings: +10000000

GRAsDGADGUUGHGHGHDGASKGH YEESSSSS OH MY GOD YESSSSS ALKdsHG

Fake dating/relationship: +7

VERY fun!!! I haven't searched for it but I do find it entertaining.

Friends to lovers: +10

FAV FAV FAV FAV

Found Family: +10

OBVIOUSLY????? tbh this is probably a top searched term for me lmao. Which should surprise no one.

Hurt/Comfort: +10000000000

other top searched term. I almost exclusively look for hurt/comfort fics and I've always been like that. It's just... I'll read the same damn thing a hundred times over in a hundred different ways. Never gets old. If a fic doesn't include some hurt/comfort elements I don't want it (exaggerating a bit, but still...)

Love Triangle: 0

Meh.

Poly, open relationships: +5

Sure!

Mistaken/hidden identity: -10

Depends on who's writing this, but generally every single time it's used as a twist I get soooooo disappointed lol. I just don't care for it at all.

Monsterfucking: +100000

:)

Pregnancy: 0

Depends? Very much depends.

Second Chance: +10000

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! so JUICY so GOOD so much room for ANGST imho & working through shit!

Slowburn: +10000

generally I prefer reading longfics and much prefer things to be slowburn, whether it's platonic or romantic. Just give me that slow unraveling, feeling more and more safe, getting to know each other, gRAUGUAHDFGHKL YEAHHHH

Soulmates: +2

Interesting!

tagging with no pressure: @the-commonplace-book @eldritchteletubbie @metatomatoes @creativity-of-death & whomever wants to play :)

[coolfireguy73]

Monster/Cryptid TF2 story Pt.5

(Read this for context)

Day broke once again over the almost deserted town. An idea she had during the night pushed Miss Pauling to venture outside as the sun barely illuminated the dark streets of the town. She was taking a big risk, and she knew it, but what she was about to do was even more so.

With a small bag in her hand and a gun in the other she paced the streets in silence, hoping to find the mercenary she had met the day before. She had taken good note of what Engi had told her and, contrary to what he thought, she thought she could coax him. It's also why she left without saying anything. However, she would like to find him quickly, this city was not that big, he had to be somewhere...

A few hours later, only 2 to be exact, Engi finally came out of his room, he had thought about the discussions he had with Miss Pauling the day prior and, although he was still against it, he was ready to try to find a compromise with her. Turning to face what he thought was going to be Miss Pauling on the couch, he stopped short.

Seeing his reaction Miss Pauling tried to explain herself: - "Don't worry, he won't attack us, I made sure of it." She said, putting herself between Engi and Scout who was eating a sandwich on the sofa. His eyes wide open, he was watching the other two talk, ready to react if necessary. -"Why did you bring him here ?" - "He agreed to let me take a sample of his blood if I gave him something to eat." -"But why here?! This hideout is compromised." - "Where did you want me to take him? The others would attack us." Engi sighed: -"Alright..." He turned his gaze to Scout still there watching them, he had finished his sandwich. -"More. A-and water." He said, then paused. He looked hungry, "Please..." - "Can you get him a glass of water ?" Miss Pauling asked. She took the opportunity to search the room for anything that could contain a blood sample.

Engi returned to Scout with a glass of water and some bread. The hungry boy almost snatched it from his hands and swallowed it all up like an animal afraid of having its food stolen if it doesn't eat it whole. This gave Engi plenty of time to observe Scout more closely, usually he would runs from house to house avoiding him and the others, it was the first time he could see him up close.

As he suspected, he was sad just to look at, like the others, however he was the only one of few to visibly suffer from his condition.

Miss Puling came back to them with a small glass bottle and a knife, she sat next to Scout: -"Give me your hand" He was reluctant. "Trust me" she added. Hesitantly he held out his hand to her. She held it and used the knife to make a small cut on one of his fingers and scooped a few drops into the bottle. -"And There you go." She smiled at him, to show that he had been right to trust her, then went to put the bottle away. Engie got up and followed her. -"What now?" She stopped and thought about it for a second, she asked: -"Scout was the last to be contaminated ?" -"Before last." -"Hm... And the first two were ?" -"Medic and sniper...Where are you going with this ?" - "If they have indeed been infected by something, it would be easier to detect in the first contaminated." He was afraid to know what idea she had in mind: -"I'm going to stop you right there, it was dangerous enough to bring Scout here but there's no way we're trying the same thing with Medic or Sniper." - "Wait, listen Engi, we have one of them to help us now... and I have a plan."

(Sorry It took so long, as I said I was working on the story and the origin of this... infection thing. Thats and some personal stuff made work kinda slow and also I was working on another project so... yeah.

It's shorter than the rest of the parts I believe but I hope you'll like it anyway. I'm sorry again for any typo etc... It's great to have my motivation back at 4 am :') )

[yi-dashi-a]

//Late Wuju Wednesday drabbles, about Ionia’s favorite plotting and scheming Wuju Master, Yi Shi. Herein lies the culmination of one of his greatest schemes.

Sorta context I guess?

Memory was a funny thing, when you’d lived so long you couldn’t remember how old you actually were. Shi lived with what he liked to call transient consciousness. He existed in the moment, talked to people, did deeds, made plans, but as soon as these things were done they were gone. It made sense though, when he thought about it in his moments. Why should his mind remember every breakfast he’d ever had?

But then he cast his focus backwards, and some memories stuck out so clearly despite the fact they’d happened generations prior. The drowning gurgles of his exhausted father seemed to emanate from the river as he walked along its bank, and no matter where he looked he still saw the bloodied face of his brother as he dug his fingernails into their Master’s throat. And he remembered watching with complicity, more clearly than anything else in his life, as the water dragged the lifeless body of the legendary Wuju Practitioner down river, and he felt his hand sting when he remembered what his brother had done to it soon after.

“I’ve made it come to pass.” His brother Bo had said, a fire in his eyes so distant he seemed daemon possessed, “Isn’t this what you wanted? We’re the Masters now. I’m the Master now. All of it is ours. All of it... mine…”

Maybe that’s why he hadn’t eaten breakfast today. He wanted to remember this day as clearly as he remembered that one.

In time, he came to settle on the pier the village folk used to sail out and away, fishing boats docked calmly atop the soft current. The sun was high, and he made sure to stare at its reflection upon the water until he wept and the rippling patterns were burned into his eyes. And to make it easier to remember the whole scene, he eventually looked over his shoulder to the proud stature of a fellow Wuju Master. The diagonal scar across his face was older than the most elderly Wuju tribespeople, and his expression seemed to scrunch it up with faint concern.

“Hey, Papa.” Tsu said, and Shi motioned him to come sit. The son complied, though he approached as if approaching some sort of wild animal. Appropriate, the old Master thought. “So… It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” He went on, and still Shi was silent. He at least inclined his head as if to say the day was neither here nor there, and that seemed good enough, “I almost thought… about taking a swim, but you know. It’s… not really appropriate.”

More nothing. He’d never seen his son so unnerved, but it was as if he really had no words to give to the man. He just wanted to focus on everything. Remember everything, “What’cha thinking about, Papa? You’ve been acting weird all day. Would hate to think something’s… bothering you?” Shi just shrugged, and picked up some debris from the pier. He watched them sail away as he threw them into the water below, “Would hate… to think you’ve done something that you’re going to regret later, you know? Or, if you have done it already, I think… I’d like to know about it.”

Even the wind was still, meaning he couldn’t even mishear or misinterpret anything Tsu said. It was either that, or the man took on a serious tone for the first time in his life, and he felt obligated to listen, “… Where’s Uncle Bo, Papa?”

“…What do you mean, where is he?” He finally responded, leaving a good pause just to keep up his visage, “He is where he always is, sitting upon his throne in the temple, presiding as eternal king of these lands.”

“He’s been missing for days.”

“What is a day to you, me, or he? If he isn’t there, then he is elsewhere--”

“—He informed no one. He sent no letters. He’s been feuding with those… Eastern warmongers for months now. I saw them go with him, but he has yet to return like every time before.”

“Then you’ve answered your own questions, haven’t you Tsu?” Suddenly parchments were in his lap. To touch them sent ice through his blood, “What is this..?”

“Letters, from the leader of the Warmongers to you.” Tsu rose, hands balled and placed on his hips, “Promises of bribes. Correspondences on his continued escapes. A thank you for describing how to kill a Wuju Master? This came today. This is from today!”

He picked up the most recent letter in his grasp, silently fiddling with the thing. He almost thought to cast it away into the river too, but he needed all the things he could get to jog his memory. Tsu’s voice continued to rise its steady, irate gradient, “Read it, Papa. I’ve taken chalk to the words. Read what I’ve highlighted. Read it with a steady tone as if you’re able to deny it.”

“…We never thought it could have been as simple as a blindfold.” He said it, direct to his son’s face, not once consulting whatever the man had marked on the parchment, “But, by his own hubris, he fell down the mountain, and has died.”

“That’s… That’s not…”

“And now, we wait for them to produce the body. They should be here any time now.” He murmured, head falling upon clasped hands, “His blood is not on my hands.”

“You conspired to murder him!”

“The feud was already standing. I accelerated things so that they would come to pass in my damn lifetime. This is nothing that wouldn’t have happened on its own.”

“You conspired to murder him…” He said again, as if all his breath were gone, “Papa… It’s one thing to do all the silent protests we’ve already done. But this? Hostile takeovers aren’t how we help our people…”

But a steady paddling became apparent to the pair, and both Wuju Masters looked up river. On makeshift boats a stern group of men rowed ever closer, and when they caught the men’s eyes they let out a roar in tandem. And certainly, he only hope, he’d never forget the limp, broken corpse of his brother as a mountain of a man heaved his body up with a cry. Naked, mutilated, and clearly once a boastful sociopath. Surely it was him, and a grimly satisfied smile crept upon his features 

He never wanted to forget. Not until his last seconds on Runeterra. Not until he died, and then his ancestors judged him. Perhaps he could get away with it all if their memories were as faulty as his own. Maybe they’d understand the centuries he’d waited for all this. Maybe he wouldn’t be damned as a restless haunt if he could make plans enough before he passed on.

Though maybe it’d be worth it if he just remembered that bloodied blindfold and bruised face.

“Bo!” Tsu cried, though Shi didn’t stay to see him whip a blade off his boot and jump expertly from boat to boat in order to reach the warmongers. He simply turned on his heels and walked away, even as the sounds of violence and screeching took to the air, “Bastards. All of you!”

“I’ve made it come to pass, brother.” He said, pondering how red the river would run today, “All of it... is mine now.”

[writingabouteverything]

The Perfect White Flower--and Other Nonexistent Things

a/n YALL THIS IS PROBABLY DUMB BUT I HAD THIS IDEA ABOUT A HARRY STYLES X READER FIC THATS BASED ON THE PLOT OF JANE THE VIRGIN AND I WANTED TO WRITE IT SO BADLY I MADE THIS ACCOUNT

disclaimer--wont follow the show exactly 

Pairing: Harry Styles x latina! reader (a key factor of the show revolves around the lead being latina, and im latina and honestly love writing for us but anyone can still read and understand/hopefully enjoy and the fic doesn’t involve any physical descriptions:)) 

Series Summary: Y/n l/n has had the world figured out since she was a child. She won’t be a writer because it’s risky, she’ll just focus on school and becoming a teacher. She’s never been a child, because her mother had her at sixteen and hasn’t aged a single year since. That’s part of the reason the promise she made to her grandmother means so much to her--if she doesn’t have sex before marriage, her child will never have to grow up as quickly as she did. And Harry Styles is at the top of the world--his music has never been more successful, he has a lovely girlfriend, and he’s never been more in demand. He has everything in the world...except a child, and through a series of unbelievable events--y/n might be his only chance to have one. Ever. 

Chapter One Summary: Who knew getting a pap smear on two hours of sleep and three cups of coffee was as bad as having unprotected sex? 

There’s something dangerous about taking public transportation in LA. And no, I don’t mean it in the ‘there are bad people in the world’ type of way. I mean it in the ‘I live in one of the casual influencer, celebrity, tourist hubs of the world and each time I step onto the bus I find myself mesmerized by all the stories I see in them’ way. Kind of pathetic, I know, but sometimes a child with blonde pig tails or a woman streaming on instagram live will catch my eye and the urge to pull out my lap top and start something I’ll never finish. 

I know that writing isn’t some kind of disease. But I can’t let myself fall in love with it the way I want to. There’s nothing wrong with writing a short story or two, but trying to write a novel? That’s impractical. It will distract me from school, from the four year plan I’m almost done with.

Sighing, I brave taking at my surroundings. I deserve this today, after the anonymous, rude costumer at the hotel today, I need positivity. No one is particularly inspiring. The bus stops and I watch out the window. At first the crowd is ordinary, and then i see them...paparazzi. Flashing cameras from all angles, grown men violating all rules of personal space. It never sits right with me, but I guess it’s just part of living in LA. The bus starts moving again. When it stops again, I see even more paparazzis, but their cameras aren’t flashing. Good for whoever escaped that. 

The bus door opens and I snap my attention back to my computer screen. I rub my eyes as I stare at my word document. How is there more that needs to be edited? This professor is the harshest grader I’ve ever had, and my friend, Gisa, is kind for giving me even more notes. But I’m exhausted. Two tests and an essay due before 12:00. And it’s...11:38. Great--I have to upload it the second I’m at my doctor’s office and have WiFi again. 

I spend some time highlighting and rewording sentences, and once I’m done I reward myself with more people watching because I deserve it and I can’t fall asleep here. I’m kind of invested in the girl live streaming her bus ride...maybe she’ll say her instagram handle. 

But when I look up, she’s not on the bus anymore. Almost no one is. An elderly couple is sitting towards the back. A woman with a toddler sit two rows in front of me...and there’s now a man directly across from me. I blink for a moment, imagining a story for someone who’s face I can’t quite see beneath such dark sun glasses. His dark waves and strong jaw do most of the imagining for me--he deserves a mystery, a dramatic one with a happy ending and just enough romance to keep the people interested. A good romance, too--not too sappy. Enemies to lovers, maybe. A mysterious stranger that’s not really a stranger because something about him is just...familiar. 

He turns his head and I drop my gaze immediately. There’s no doubt he caught that, but I still pretend to edit the title of my essay. “You’ve been typing stubbornly since I first got on the bus.” There’s an accent--of course he’s english. But it’s more than that, I’ve heard that voice before. I’ve been...soothed by it. And--oh my god, I’m sitting across from Harry Styles.

Okay, don’t freak out. Don’t freak him out. He’s probably on here to escape the the whole ‘oh my god, you’re Harry Styles!’ thing.  

“What are you writing?” Harry Styles just spoke to me. I greeted my one direction poster every single day in middle school, and Harry Styles just spoke to me. Okay--relax, breathe--it’s only weird if you make it weird. 

There’s a kind of curt curiosity to his question. He could have been ruder, considering how blatantly I was staring at him. “I um...an essay.” I’m temped to turn the screen so that he can see I’m telling the truth. Though he wasn’t hostile, a part of me is paranoid that he thinks I am writing about him. It’s a fair assumption, for all he knows I’m drafting a tweet about who I saw on the bus this morning or preparing to send something in to some gossip girl-esque blog. “It’s due today at noon and normally I’m way more on top of things, but I had this last minute doctor’s appointment rescheduling because my usual doctor is out of town and--” I cut myself off before I can tell Harry Styles that I’m ovulating and that if I don’t go to my OBGYN now, I have to wait an entire month and I’ve already been off birth control longer than I’d like. I might not have actual sex in my near future, but my cramps have been extra terrible. “An essay, I just finished an essay.”

He nods once. Maybe he feels bad for so thoroughly startling me into such a rambling, because the corner of his mouth tilts upwards. A soft smile adds even more grace to his features, I focus on the dimple that appears in his cheek. “An aggravating essay, I take it, considering the death glares you’ve been giving your laptop screen.”

I smile at his polite humor. “It’s for the harshest grader on campus. She took three points off of my first essay freshman year because I spaced my bibliography wrong.” 

He cringes in sympathy. “Good luck.” 

“Thanks,” I hum, proud of myself for not letting him know that I know who he is. The bus stops, I can see my doctor’s office behind a few paparazzi. “This is my stop.” 

Harry nods once, ducking his head slightly. A tiny part of me feels sympathy for him; from what I’ve gathered, he genuinely loves his fans and the relationship they have, but it must be draining to never have a moment of privacy. Especially when it’s people who care more about selling your picture than your mental health. 

I linger on the bus’s step, watching the men with large cameras look around. “Excuse me, are you guys looking for Harry Styles?” Most of the men disregard me, but one looks at me. “I know he’s near here because I’m a really big fan and my friend just texted that she saw him.” This gets me the attention I wanted. “He’s at Northfield--a cafe like three blocks down. I just know that if she got a picture with Harry in like a magazine or something she’d totally lose it--in a good way, and she’s been having a bad time so if you see her can you try to make it happen? Knowing her she’ll be at his side, she’s blonde, shortish hair.” 

The men seem skeptical, but I guess they realize that this is the best lead they have. I think the fact that I gave a reason to justify selling Harry out for no reason helped. They disperse together, heading at least three blocks away from Harry. I don’t know if I’ve actually helped him, but I hope I have. 

“Essay girl.” I freeze, half cringing. Did he hear that? That’s embarrassing. I consider darting away, but decide that would just make me cringe more. So I turn on my heels. “You...you forgot your phone.” 

He just saved my life. “Thank you.” I take my phone from his outstretched hand, ignoring the slight thrill that runs through me when our fingers brush. “You’re my hero--the last thing I needed today was to run all over the city searching for my phone.” I finish the awkward admission with a partial laugh. 

“Least I could do,” he mumbles, “especially considering what you just did.” 

...He did see that. “Oh um--it was nothing, I just kind of made a connection and assumed the only reason you’d be on a public bus is because you were trying to avoid some things, and you make really great music and a lot of people happy, so you deserve that break.” Why does it feel like I’ve been talking forever? “Anyways, thanks for the whole phone thing, and I hope I got them off your tail.” 

My joke seems to somewhat land. His lips part, like he’s planning on saying something else. A timer on my phone interrupts him. I instinctually look down--great, the alarm on my phone warning me that I’m only ten minutes away from being late. “I’m late.” I turn towards the bus’s exit. “I gotta go, but thanks again, and I hope you have a good day.” 

I disappear after that, still not sure that that whole thing wasn’t some kind of hallucination. Did I just meet Harry Styles? He...he gave me my phone. Harry Styles has touched my phone. I can’t wait to tell Gisa, she’ll lose it.

I’m still thinking about Harry Styles when I finally reach my OBGYN’s office. When I get there, things are a lot more hectic than I thought they’d be. Many people crowd the waiting area and the receptionist’s desk is clearly understaffed. Two young girls are trying to address multiple upset pregnant women and take phone calls at the same time, all while practically buried in a sea pf paperwork. Wow, I didn’t realize that transferring was such chaos. One of the girls waves me over and barely checks my name before shoving a form towards me. I fill out as quickly as possible. 

 I upload my essay quickly after checking in. Who knows, maybe Harry Styles’s blessing will get me an A? A third person in scrubs emerges from the back after a moment and ushers me into a room. I tell myself to focus on going over the facts I need for the test I have to take in a little over an hour. Or to focus on the fact that I just met Harry Styles. But instead, I feel my heavy eyelids fall shut. 

I don’t know how long I sleep, but I know that I wake up during the middle of a doctor’s sentence, “...I know I’m not your usual, so I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” 

“Hm...Yeah, yeah I’m comfortable.” She nods once, her wide eyes slightly red. “But I do have a class today in like an hour, so I was wondering if this was going to take longer because of the office’s move?” 

“Oh, no,” she shakes her head. “Just because Dr. Rodriguez gave us no notice before deciding that she no longer wanted to work here...or in the country. Or even live in the US, despite the fact that we just signed a lease on a place together...” Tears well in the stranger’s eyes, pity settles in my stomach. 

“That sounds incredibly complicated, I didn’t mean to rush you.” 

She blinks twice, her expression blanking as she fights against the pain of what’s clearly a terrible break up. “No, no--you have every right. Today is your day and if..honestly, if you’re strong enough to go to a class after this, and do what you’re about to do by yourself, then I’m strong enough to get through today.” 

Um...didn’t realize a pap smear counted as something that needs moral support, but I’ll chalk it up to her heightened emotions. “Thanks.” 

She snaps on her medical gloves. “No, thank you for your patience. Now lay down.” 

I do as told, preparing for a sensation I haven’t often experienced. A moment passes and I know she’s started. She’s moving away from me much faster than expected. Oh--I guess pap smears are a lot shorter than I expected. 

“That’s it?” 

“Yep,” she hums, pulling her gloves off. “Now just take it easy, and hydrate.”

Weird...but that’s like general doctor advice. “Thanks!” 

--

I’ve never wanted to keep a secret from Gisa, but sometimes I really regret telling her I met Harry Styles. It’s been almost a month and I find my mind wandering back to the moment in which our fingers brushed more than I should. Sometimes I let myself wonder what he might have said if my phone hadn’t rang. I was probably just imagining the way his lips parted, but my ind refuses to let it go. 

“...You know it’s kind of sad, I read an interview in which he spoke about the fact that he has some genetic condition that makes it hard to have kids. He has so many godchildren, and I feel like he’d make such a great father.” 

I try to keep up with Gisa’s words, but the dull ache in my head makes it feel so far away. “Yeah...he seemed really patient.” 

Gisa nods, turning to face me. “You alright, you’re looking kinda green?” 

“Yeah...” I reach for my canvas bag. “I think I just...I probably just need some water.” 

My hand grazes the metal of my water bottle and then the corners of my vision blur into blackness. I sway, Gisa’s hand is on my shoulder...and then it all goes black. 

--

I sit uncomfortably on the hospital’s cot. Gisa is a traitor for telling my mom that I fainted. I knew she’d just drag me here--hispanic mothers, they either believe they can cure you with vic’s vapor rub or they want you in the ER. No in between. 

“I know you didn’t want another test, but you’ve been throwing up in the morning for days and now you’re fainting.” 

“Fainted,” I correct, “it happened once.” 

“C’mon, mija, it’s just one doctor’s appointment.” 

Speaking of, an ER nurse returns. “Fainting and nausea spells explained,” he says, glancing at his clipboard, “you’re pregnant.” 

My mom and I can’t help but exchange a look before bursting into laughter. Pregnant. If I’m pregnant then the second coming is here. “That’s impossible, I’m a virgin.” 

He glances at my mom, “maybe we should have this conversation in private.” 

“No, what you say in front of me you can say in front of my mom.” 

My mom raises an eyebrow. “Y/n, did you and that guy from your english class--” 

“No! No, we did not. I am a virgin and there’s no way I’m pregnant.” I glare at the nurse. 

He then ushers me to a bathroom so that I can provide a urine sample. After I’m finished, he shows me a pregnancy test strip. “Pink means pregnant.” I bite my tongue as he tests the strip in my sample. He pulls it out and it’s...it’s bright pink.

“I’m calling my doctor, because this has to be a mistake. It has to be like a hormonal thing.” 

“Exactly, pregnancy hormones.” 

I glare even harder, calling the doctor that I saw last week. “Hello, Dr. Ash? I was wondering if I could get a consultation because I’m in the ER and some crazy doctor is trying to tell me I’m pregnant.” 

Silence on the line for a long second. “...I actually cleared my calendar for you.” 

[perriwinklesblog]

I know some people prefer consistent content but I like to take it as it comes and sometimes life happens and other projects need to take priority. 

So right now, I consider this to be a mid season break. Techno going into the prison was like the midseason finale for the Dream Prison Arc and Wilbur and Ranboo’s stuff was like their midseason finale and the Red Banquet where the egg was contained, was a midseason finale and alllllllll the mini episodes we’ve had since there are like specials etc. 

You know, like how in Dr Who you can go a few years without a solid season but get a special at Christmas and New Year? You know like that. 

So like all other programs, stories, videos I watch, I am coming up with ways in which the next bit could go. Some are a bit out there and definitely not happening, others I could see happening. 

This is long and pointless and full or errors both grammatically and spelling wise but I had fun thinking of what could happen next. Read if you want.

Dream escapes prison with Technoblades help. A server wide man hunt comes for Dream but unlike his videos he had stolen the spare armour in the prison and so is pretty OP making it easier for him to put distance between his enemies and himself. 

Technoblade returns to the artic and him, Phil and Will come to an in pass, a slight disagreement. Philza whilst having sided with Dream before, knows he’s not a good guy. Only used him to help destroy lmanburg for his own morals. It was not because he agreed with Dream. In his eyes, he was using Dream for his own goals. Plus, now he’s seen the aftermath of Dream’s terror on the citizens he realises the man perhaps shouldn’t be set to run entirely free. This slightly goes against Techno’s beliefs but the main issue of tension between them is Technoblade willingly placing himself in danger when he didn’t need too and helping release the man who tortured Tommy and clearly has something going on with Ranboo thats bad. 

Wilbur is angry because Techno won’t say where Dream has gone due to an agreement between the two and Technoblade is a man of his word. Wilbur wishes to thank and meet the man who saved him. This also worries Philza because he’s worried he’ll revert back to the man he saw the day he blew up L’Manburg. Over all tension between the three

Niki and Wilbur finally meet and it is as heartbreaking as it is beautifully tragic. Wilbur apologises but misses the mark, misses what hurt her which hurts her more. There’s an explosion with their argument that leaves a stunned silence. Niki asks Wilbur to leave. He does so. 

This leads to a Wilbur and Ranboo conversation where Ranboo tries to reason with Wilbur about Niki’s side. Wilbur brushes it off because much like the blue counterpart we all miss, he’s not a fan of the negative emotion. He tries to focus on the business etc and let’s slip that Dream has escaped somehow. Ranboo leaves. Wilbur is confused but distracted by a confrontation with Quackity.

Ranboo then starts his stream and he’s in the fucking panic room and he’s panicking because there are signs so many signs and they don’t make sense. Theres lesson rules, asking about the missing journal and it’s like every issue he’s ever faced is staring right back at him because Ranboo has never really resolved any issue, just pushed and moved on. He’s tried but that usually failed and for a while he’s ignored all the issues and here they are in front of him, all at one. A big volcanic eruption of anxiety and stress, and it ain’t sitting with him. 

Dream appears. But is it really him? We never know because after a conflict and a back and fourth about everyone in Ranboo’s life eventually landing on a threat about Michael and Tubbo, he blacks out and the stream ends. 

Quackity is livid with everything thats happening, the careful empire he’s building is falling apart and he’s shifting the blame around from person to person. He manipulates everyone around them into believing this is somehow their own fault and that they must make it up to him because he has been nothing but kind and loving to them. He gave them a place, a roof on their head when they had nothing. He misses out the parts where he insulted and or destroyed their homes, but it works and his employee “family” become the main bounty hunters for Dream, with Bad and Ant tagging along since they’re guards. 

Now the streams relating to the manhunt displays everyones wants. They’re all doing this wanting something, and whilst it’s to gain Quackity’s favour back they’re all doing that for different reasons. Their motivations are somewhat different even if on the surface they are the same and so on the man hunts, because there will be many, this is slowly picked apart and through that the manipulation of Quackity is revealed and then we see a parrallel between Quackity and previous people in power where they start to get desperate to keep control over the thing they’ve created. Because that’s been one of (not the only) issues with every leader on the server, the control and their feeling of lack of, even if thats not truly the case. But you get these moments between all the characters where they’re trying to outwit one another, trying to figure it out without blatantly saying it. Maybe Foolish does. He’s a bit of a himbo. 

Ponk always said he’d leave the door open for Sam and I truly think something happens, whether it be a look in the mirror with one of his guards going too far with someone or a conversation with Quackity where Quackity holds the mirror up to Sam maliciously, that causes him to hit the rock bottom and just break and I want that breakdown in front of Ponk. And I want Ponk not necessarily to give him the second chance off the bat but give him that peace offering, give him that hand to pull him up. I want him to take Sam to Niki and explain to Niki we’ve done bad things in the past, this is a safe haven and I believe Sam needs help and a place he can truly feel safe and for a moment Sam does and this begins his raid to redemption in gaining back the trust of the people in his lives. He becomes Tubbo 2.0 spying on Quackity like Tubbo did for Wilbur, but maybe less... bad.

But what of the Fiances? Wellllll,. With Dream escaping him and George meet in secret. George confesses he doesn’t believe it’s real and for a long time has been struggling with reality. He misses the early days, misses when they’d just have fun. Dream says he was having fun and George says I wasn’t. Dream shows true regret for George but says its too late now, can’t change the past. George agrees. Dream asks him what he’s going to do and he simply replies with “Sleep” Ending stream. 

Sapanps stream is a lot more WE ARE GOING ON A DREAM HUNT WE’RE GOING TO CATCH A BIG ONE, I’M NOT SCARED. vibes. He’s gearing up, he’s suiting up and he’s saluting pets on the way. He made a promise and with everything else going on in his life, he’s ready to throw himself into a distraction. He tries to convince George to help him but he waves him off saying, what’s the point? and mumbles something about divine powers and dreams which Sapnap just shakes off. He tries to find Karl in Kinoko but instead comes across Quackity. They have a blow up about how They abandoned each other, both did wrong but neither see the other side of things and eventually he tells him to leave. Quackity says okay, and the place blows up. Foolish cries in the corner. All that heard work but the boss said so. Sapnap ends the whole thing saying at least he’s there for Karl and Quackity pauses and is like why? And Sapnap is all like you care. Just go, you’ve done enough damage, I can’t have you damaging him too. And after a little more but but but between the two, Quackity goes. Sapnap leaves the place to burn, going to find Dream and hopefully Karl on the way. 

Karls in space. That’s where his latest travels have taken him and where the other side decided was his time to visit. Here I see a Wizard in Oz scenario where solutions to some issues will be revealed for Karl in relation to the other side. When it comes to his Dream SMP stuff, he starts confusing names and people more and Sapnap is worried about him, considering keeping him in a safe place. The only place that survived was the library with Karls books. Karl says he’ll stay there. Thats where the answers are anyway. Sapnap is unsure and gets bad vibes but is distracted by a lead on Dream and agrees, he tells him he’ll be back soon. 

They don’t see each other for a long ass time 

I’m not sure on the egg stuff but I do feel Niki and Puffy should have a conversation about all the shit thats happened and Puffy trying to help Niki and vice versa. I feel like Puffy should reach out to Foolish and try and comprehend what the fuck is he doing with Quackity. They have a little argument but it comes to a point where Puffy realises she cannot shield Foolish from harm and that her son ,just make his own decisions. All she can do is guide him where she can and hope that when it comes down to it he will make the right choice. She hopes she didn’t fail this dependant like she did with Dream her duckling. Though only she sees it as failure. 

Jack and Niki finally talk. She goes searching for some things and comes to his new place, he tells her to fuck off and that he doesn’t need anyone. They all abandon him. Niki pretty much does the verbal equivalent of slap some sense into him as she and him discuss how he is not the centre of everything, how he is not the sun. She was hurting, and he didn’t bother, no instead they just fed off each others anger and once he couldn’t feed of her or anyone else he isolated himself. She tries to convince him there are better things in life, there are better ways to place your energy etc. A lot of healing talk with Jack being stubborn. Eventually Jack finds himself at the door of Quackity after sticking to stubbornness, not quite ready to heal and he becomes the next member of Las Nevadas. A big blow to Wilbur too. 

They finally destroy the egg with magic. I dunno how but either destroy or hatch. Either or would be great. Red comes out the thing and I want a gay ass villain please. Bring it Red. Let’s go. Invite him to the server, bring the fire, bring the plant power Red. He can be the villain that unites everyone in a begrudging way. Like they all hate each other but fine i guess we’ll team to stop Red and Ant. 

Skeppy’s dead. 

Tubbo and Ranboo have a fight but Ranboo says “Weren’t we enough?” and it’s in relation to him and Michael (this happens before panic room). Thats when Tubbo realises where the wires got crossed and he immediately rectifies it but explaining he’s happy with the two of them but he wanted a job, something to work towards. Family wise he’s got it all, he’s content with it all but he wanted a project and one that didn’t incite violence. Fun rivalry sure, but he’s done with violence, he’s doesn’t want to add to the nightmares he already has. He wants competition but not one that will put all he loves in danger. So they talk it out and Ranboo feels more confident and Tubbo asks him to tell him if he ever takes anything too far because he can get a little carried away sometimes. Ranboo agrees and then they have a cute playdate with Michael. Then Ranboo does the thing with Wilbur and ends up in panic room.

Tommy and Tubbo discuss everything and lay it all out on the table because Tommy doesn’t want to be on the other side again with Tubbo. Tubbo doesn’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal about his burger business and Tommy tries to explain the issues with Quackity and the level of intensity he’s seen with Wilbur but Tubbo just laughs it off. They eventually talk about Ranboo and Tommy relents saying he likes Ranboo although he does sometimes get jealous of how Tubbo seems to have it all. Tubbo tells Tommy of his nightmares and so does Tommy to Tubbo. They come to an understanding with each other and understand that no matter how long they go apart, there is always a space shaped to fit them perfectly in their lives for them. Tubbo and Tommy then go play some pranks. 

Wilbur is unhappy with the pranks and gives a lecture and they get into a fight. This leads to Wilbur talking man to man to Quackity. Theres some weird sexual tension. Once again they’re trying to outwit one another. That when we get to the crazy stuff. 

And here’s where I get crazy with my stuff. 

Ponk is digging in his lil cave when he accidentally breaks through to a random room buried deep underground. Tommy’s there trying to scam him out of something he has. Tubbo and Ranboo too. When they get to this room Ranboo thinking it’s the panic one and freaks out, but the others calm him down. Ponk thinking theres diamonds in the room storms ahead setting off some traps but surviving. Tubbo opens one of the chests and just says theres a bucket in there. Ponk pulls it out and says it has a named fish in it. 

You see where I’m going. 

They empty the bucket whilst asking what the fish is called. They are interrupted by a voice. It’s Sally. 

Dream had captured her and bound her to a bucket and put her in the chest and hid her from Wilbur. 

She has been released. She freaks out over how much time has past because for her nothing has changed at all. She thought it might have been a couple of hours or something since Dream pulled that prank on her but clearly not. 

They all catch up and the season ends with Sally and Wilbur meeting in front of Quackity, Dream in the shadows and Sally and Wilbur turning to see Fundy who just freaks the fuck out. 

Oh and just a side, Callahan is the last member of the syndicate and God of the server and is having fun playing with the mortals. 

And then I have the next season planned out and how I’d end the whole thing but like until then. This is it. Mid Season to finale. How I picture things happening. 

None of this will happen but isn’t it fun to imagine? 

[kikyan]

Yandere Wen Ning Headcanons

These are my interpretations of his persona and none of these are 100% accurate. I don’t condone any of these actions in real life and all of this is purely fictional. 

Yandere Server 

I have seen the anime and the drama, still reading the novel at the moment so if I am missing anything it’s because of that :). Starting off, I LOVE Wen Ning, he is such a precious person. The Wen clan is the clan that is currently the ‘boss’ you would say and they kinda are a tyrant. The thing is that Wen Ning and Wen Qing are from a different segment, a family/branch of medics that are only in league with the main Clan for the resources and protection. Wen Ning has been ill for a good portion of his life, which brought him a feeble and shy persona. 

Wen Ning, if he ever decided to fancy someone, his S/O would be someone they admire a lot. He admired Wei Wuxian a lot, his strength, his kind yet goofy nature, his whole being. When his family perished and he was left with Jiang Chen and Yanli, he did what he could to assist his family. Wei Wuxian struggled a lot with trust, but Wen Ning gave him no trouble and did what he could to assist them. To this day, as the Ghost General he helps Wei Ying as his right hand man and protector. 

This brings on two sides of him, but they all mingle with his ‘Yandere’ traits. Overprotective, Obsessive, Manipulative, Possessive, Clingy, and Stalker. I’m going to say this off the bat that he isn’t the most dangerous, he poses some threat but he is a real sweetheart. Long story short, he is a wandering puppy in search of a master and when he finds them, he’ll stay with them until the end of time. 

Overprotective. This is a done deal and given. He would be very protective of his S/O in many ways. If his S/O is from a different clan then he would do everything, even get help from Wen Qing to offer some safety from the main Wen clan. They spare no one, but with Wen Ning he could offer some excuse on how they would be useful, offer safe passage into and out of somewhere, offer a room to stay for some time, protection, medical help, etc. Know that saying ‘I know a guy’, yeah well Wen Ning is THAT guy. As the ghost general, he would trust that Wei Wuxian would keep you safe if he ever had to deal with something else, but he would feel way more at ease with his S/O with him. Even if you could take care of yourself or hold against your own, you have Wen Ning. Use him. Want someone to block? Use him. Want to attack someone? Use HIM. He doesn’t mind being used by his S/O in that sense. He is a shield and a spear to Wei Wuxian, he can be one for you too. 

Obsessive. Yall remember that scene where he left the comfort of his home to go to Lotus Pier to see if Wei Wuxian and his family were okay? Yeah, that’s what I call obsessed and worried for the safety of his admiration. He would want to know everything about his S/O because it helps the relationship but he also wants to be ready for anything! He would find out what clan you're from, your name, your age, d.o.b, favorite meal, any medical conditions, etc. It’s all for your protection and safety he reassures himself. You’re his number one admiration so it’s only natural that he would find any and everything about you. 

Manipulative. He would be, maybe not on purpose at the beginning, but certainly once he knows it works. Wen Ning is used to people mocking him and thinking he is weaker than them because of his personality and appearance. It’s simple, he would simply bring himself down and his S/O would feel bad. They would direct their attention to him, no matter if it’s positive and you attempt to cheer him up or negative, with you calling him names and agreeing. Sure he can easily get upset and quiet that causes his S/O to have guilt. At first, it was just because he was used to it and it caused his S/O to react. Once he sees that it works, he’ll do it on purpose to gain sympathy. It turns darker when he no longer cares what attention you give him, just give it to him. As the Ghost General he would try to point out how strong he is and how he could protect you, how you need him. Even if you deny that, that man is following you right back. 

Possessive. He would never have the confidence to outright show dominance, but he would indirectly make it known that he cares and won’t allow someone near you. If it’s from the Wen clan, he would use herbs and poisons (thinking back to that episode where Wei Wuxian was trapped in that cage with that jumbo sized dog and Wen Ning knocked that bitch out) to get his point across. In all honesty, he isn’t as weak as some may think. In a battle one on one with a sword or physical strength maybe, but when it’s with whatever they can and he has the advantage of stealth/speed, he is really useful. Someone could approach you and he would carefully watch, wait till you're gone and they aren’t paying attention to strike. He may even butt into the conversation, solely asking you something while ignoring the others until they get the hint. 

Clingy. He would be very clingy with his S/O. Following them around constantly and non-stop. His sister would be concerned with his behavior but at the end of the day, what can he do? Honestly, he wouldn’t be that malicious with his clinginess either. It’s just that he finds comfort in his S/O and their presence. 

Stalker. He doesn’t have that much confidence so he would admire his S/O from a distance. He would only ever talk to them if they were ever in need of a talk or words of encouragement. His S/O means a lot to him so he would take care of them from afar, I see him as the type to leave medicine in their room if they need it, a meal as well. He is the type to drop off little things, his S/O would wonder who left them or would know it was him, thinking nothing of it since it’s an act of kindness. 

Wen Ning, is a dangerous yandere. But how he is so precious- THATS HOW THEY GET YOU. He is very precious and kind, and wouldn't harm his S/O at all, but this man is toxic. It’s the fact that he will always follow you and protect you, say no but he hears yes. You could slap him, kick him, punch him, but to him you’re his favorite and precious S/O. It’s the fact that he is delusional and self-aware at the same time, he knows your true feelings towards him but he also believes that you’ll need him. You’re going to see how amazing and loyal he is towards you, in the end you’ll want him. That’s okay, because he isn’t going anywhere. It's a reversed card, instead of hurting you to get you, he’ll hurt himself to get you. Anything for you, Wen Ning is your loyal dog. 

[thecoloursdontshow]

that was the moment i knew

i am a god l 1689w

***

The cameras click around him, the smell of expensive perfumes, and wine from all ever the world making Sam feel light-headed. The worst part about it was that Bucky didn’t even show up. He promised he would, too. That was probably the most enraging part of this night. Not the press being passive-aggressive, and asking more questions about Steve than himself. That he could at least pretend to handle. But Bucky. He promised he’d be here. Be here to give him a reassuring smile after someone asks him a stupid question. But he's not here. 

“Hey, Sam.”

“Rhodes.” Sam said politely, a kind smile on his face. Rhodey smiled back, extending a hand for Sam to shake. Sam shook it, but his eyes wandered around the room, searching, praying to find the eyes of someone he knows he won’t find. 

“You okay? You seem… out of it.” Rhodey commented, raising an eyebrow. Sam’s attention found its way back to the man in front of him. 

“Yeah, yeah, no, it’s just… a lot, doing these.” 

“Story of my life.” Rhodey quipped, shaking his head. Sam chuckled softly. 

“Cap!” Sam heard from behind him. A familiar voice, but not the one he wanted to hear. 

“Torres.” Sam said with a grin, turning to look at him. The younger man approached them, a grin on his face. 

“Colonel.” Torres said, his voice almost automatic. Sam had to stifle a laugh.

“Kid, we’ve been over this. Call me Rhodes.” Torres nodded frantically, making Rhodey shake his head. His phone buzzed in his hand, causing him to sigh. “Well, I gotta run. Have fun.” He added the last part sarcastically, making Sam smile. 

“See you around man.” Sam said as Rhodey made his way to wherever he had to be. 

“Barnes coming?” Joaquin questioned, and sighed, trying to hide whatever he was feeling. 

“Don’t know. He said he would.”

“He’ll come around, don’t worry.” Joaquin assured him, and all Sam could do was smile softly. He wouldn’t tell Joaquin that he’s been waiting for an hour now, and still nothing. That he’s called him twice, and he got no answer. No, he’ll let Joaquin try to give him comfort, and maybe he’ll let himself believe it a little bit. 

“Yeah, yeah maybe.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Hours pass, champagne is passed around, speechs are made, and Bucky still isn’t here. Its almost laughable, how much Sam believed he’d show up. Because, any other person would. Any other person would stand at his side, wearing a small smile along with a simple suit, and Sam would feel peace, despite the thousands of cameras and questions and over bearing pressure. The weight of the evening could be lifted by a small, amused smirk from the other side of the table. But, that void, the space Bucky should be taking up is now left blank, when Sam needed it most. 

“So, where’s Sargent Barnes tonight?” The blonde interviewer who had started the last round of questioned asked, wearing a bright smile to show off her straight teeth. Sam’s breath hitched. 

“Well, being an avenger is a busy job, so thats what kept him, unfortunately.”

“Thats too bad. We know many people were hoping to see you both here tonight. Will we be seeing you together out in public soon?” Sam felt sweat prickle down his neck, trying to keep his face neutral. This wasn’t the first person to ask about Bucky tonight, but she seemed to be the most persistent.

“Well, I’m not sure. Probably, yeah, I wouldn’t worry too much about it.”

“Thats fantastic! See you both together is always a dream.” The woman turned towards the camera Sam barely noticed, saying her little outro. Sam gave a polite smile as a farewell and gets the hell out of there. He made his way to some vacated hallway, letting his guard down to no one but himself, feeling himself slink to the floor. 

If Bucky could’ve just shown up, maybe this all could’ve been avoided. All the questions, the feeling that Sam could let himself come crashing down all at once for the whole world to see. Maybe, if Bucky just kept his goddamn word, that could’ve been avoided. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The night came to a close, and drive home was quiet. The absolute worst part about this night was that Sam knew Bucky was home. He wasn’t in Delacroix, wasn’t at the compound, according to Lang. So where the hell was he?

His keys rattled in the door, Sam opening the door with a bit more strength he would normally use. The smell of leftovers filled the air, but Sam didn’t have enough energy to heat up the leftover pizza, so he went straight to the shower. He had planned to go straight to bed afterwards, but something put a pause on that. Rather, someone.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Where the hell were you tonight?” Sam questioned, an old t-shirt and worn sweatpants thrown on after his shower. Sam heard keys rattling the door as soon as he got himself under the covers.

“Out.”

“Out? C’mon.” Sam scoffed, shaking his head at Bucky, who was clad in a leather jacket, black jeans, and a black t-shirt underneath the jacket. “You gotta do better than that. You swore you’d be there tonight.”

“I’m sorry, alright, I got caught up at the compound.”

“You can do better than lie to me, Buck.”

“I’m not lying to you!”

“Then how is it that when I call Lang asking where you are, he said he didn’t know, as he was staying the compound. Got a retort for that one?” Sam didn’t mean for his voice to get so loud, but god Bucky really stooped to lying.

“This is ridiculous.” Bucky muttered from across the kitchen counter, making Sam raise an eyebrow.

“You know whats ridiculous? Going to a conference alone, getting questions about why you weren’t there, when I didn’t even know. Because I thought you’d be there, too.” Sam tried to blink away the tears threatening to fall, but they fell anyway, evident by the crack in his voice.

“I can’t control that, Sam. I can’t control what they ask you!”

“Yes you can. Wanna know how? Be there!” Sam shouted, wiping his face with his hand. “I just…” Sam breathed out, “you said you’d be there, and then you weren’t. Its not even like its the first time, either!” Sam's second press conference, no Bucky. The third interview, no Bucky. Speech at the White House, no Bucky. The list goes on, but Sam doesn’t have the heart to come writing it out. 

“Fine, you really know why I wasn’t there?” Bucky dug through his coat pocket, pulling a velvet box from his pocket. “I was getting this.” He said, setting it down with a slam. Sam involuntarily flinched, eyes wide as he stared at the box. 

“Are you kidding me?” Sam mumbled. “Ditch me, on one of my events, and then show up here with a goddamn engagement ring?” The box slid back across the counter. 

“I can’t take that ring. I can’t take that ring if I can’t trust you to be there for me when I need you most.” Sam told him, bringing a thumb up to brush the tears from his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Sam.”

“Yeah? Me too.” Sam turned on his heel in the direction of their bedroom, not letting himself break down in front of Bucky. The one person he thought he could also be true with. Apparently, he was wrong. 

Once Sam was in the bedroom, door closed, and light shut, he let himself fall apart. Let everything he had been holding in since he realized Bucky wasn’t gonna show up. He tried to forget the way Bucky smiled at him, the way he laughed. And that true laugh was only for Sam. The way his eyes sparkled and danced in the moonlight in Delacroix nights. Because maybe if he could forget why he loved Bucky so much, every intricate detail, he’d forget it all together. Forget tonight, forget the way Bucky made him flinch, forget the way Bucky was gonna propose, but Sam couldn’t tell him yes. Because the amount of pain Bucky has costed Sam will always outweigh the soft smiles and gentle nights. Because no matter what, Sam would always remember the pain.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Sam woke up, Bucky was in the kitchen, brewing himself a cup of coffee. He looked like he barely got any sleep last night, eyes rimmed red and black. A coffee sat on the counter, in front of the stool, where Sam always sat.

“Morning.” Bucky said softly.

“Hey.” Sam murmured, taking his seat, sipping his coffee in the ear-splitting silence. 

“I truly am sorry, Sam.” Bucky said after a few minutes. Sam looked up from his coffee, almost surprised. 

“I know. But I can’t keep doing this. The cycle of you not being there and me not knowing why.” Sam took a deep breath before saying what he was about to say, “I just, I think I need to be on my own for a little bit. Just to think, just a few months.” Bucky looked like someone had shot him. 

“If thats what you need.” Is all Bucky said, setting his empty coffee mug down. “I’ll miss you, Sammy.”

“I’ll miss you too, Buck.” Sam whispered, staring at the other man across from him. Sam could fall in love with those eyes each and every time he saw them, but for the first time, he has to learn to keep himself upright as the blue eyes make him feel warm and comfortable and home. But he can’t. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Sam is back in Delacroix by the next night. He explained what had happened to Sarah, who allowed him to stay. 

3 weeks and 4 days go by before Sam and Bucky see each other again for an event. No mission debriefing, just the clicking of cameras and the smell of high-end perfume, and the taste of wine. And they found each other in the crowd, and smiled. And that's all that needed to be said, or, well, not said at all.

[pieces-by-me]

Little Mouse

Hello there! This is my piece for @youbloodymadgenius​ 1k Writing Challenge!! I originally wanted to post this sooner but I took too much on my plate and have now so many things to write that I put myself under pressure. The idiot I am.🤦🏼‍♀️

But anyway: Congratulations again on this huge step!! You deserve every single one of us and even more and I’m sure your blog will only grow bigger and better. I really hope you enjoy this and that you have an amazing day/night ✨

Words: 2827

Summary: Ivar’s night before the big war will be interrupted by a visitor from his past. Someone he has almost forgotten.

Prompt: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. - A Streetcar Named Desire

Warning: mention of death, I think thats it. English is not my first language

He was standing over the table, browns lined in though. Somehow he had to do it. He had to beat Alfred and win this final battle. The battle over Wessex.

Ivar was in pain. Not only his brain, form constantly thinking of strategy upon strategy, but also his legs. They were killing him. The constant raining, the fog and the gloomy atmosphere shrouding Wessex into a climate that did not agree with Ivar. They hurt worst then on the coldest day in Kattegat or the snow filed days of Kiev. Maybe it was because Kattegat was his home and he was just too used to that. But this was close to agony. The wind blowing through his tent was not helping either.

Not finding the answer he was looking for after watching over the maps of the terrain he was done with it for the night. Tightly gripping his crutch while limping to his bed he made his way carefully from one side to the other. Sitting down he reached for his cup of mead and took a big gulp, hoping the warming liquid would help his sour mood and hurting bones. And after a couple of more cups he felt the familia tingling of warmness traveling through his body. It didn't stop his legs from causing him pain, but at least it was now more tolerable. With this he was able to take off his braces. Making him hiss and grimace as the metal left his limps. 

But soon the soothing feeling came from not having his legs being trapped and pinched together that the hissing turned into a long sigh. Finally he could lay down and rest. His men and the one from Harald would want to know a plan by tomorrow but they would have to wait a bit, because he was to tired to think anymore. Something that didn't happen often. Taking of his heavy tunic and trowing it across the improvised room he closed his eyes with hoping to find sleep soon.

Ivar's hearing was always impeccable, a trait he was very proud of and something he would rub under the noses of his brothers every chance he would get. This time his hearing was the reason he woke up from a deep sleep. Someone was sneaking through his tent. And it was not his brother. That klutz was always too loud walking around. So who was mad enough to creep through his quarters while he was still in them? Someone with a death wish that was certain. He used his the arm he lay on to travel towards his hidden knife under his pillow. Something every son of Ragnar would sleep with. But just as his hand neared the edge of his pillow a voice filled with taunt went through his tent.

“I took your knife so you don't have to search for it.”

What in the name of Odin?

Not only was this voice teasing him, him a feared Viking throughout all the lands, but it was female and close to giggling. No use in trying to be stealthy he turned around to face this intruder and sat up.

When he looked at her he saw that she was a meek little thing. Thin, sickly and clothed in scraps. Standing there, proud and smiling, three meters from his bed. Twirling his knife in her hands. There was a glimmer of triumph in her eyes but something else sparkled alongside it. Admiration?

Pushing the initial shock away, Ivar slapped a smirk on his face and looked her deep in the eyes. Something about them was nagging on his brain. Like he had seen them a long time ago, or in a dream. But before he could say any words or threads she beat him to it.

“You are Ivar the Boneless.” It was definitely admiration.

“It has been a long time since I have seen you.”

That made him stutter a bit. So he had seen her. But when?

“I'm not surprised you don't remember me. I am a nobody. But I saw you. Way back when we both were little. Or at least younger, I never truly grew taller.” A sort of giggle that was close to sadness left her lips at her words. But it wasn't a wonder that she didn't grow. How could a body grow when there was never anything to feed it?

It was quiet then after her words. Ivar was in a state of remembering. Trying to pinpoint where he could have seen her. When they were younger and he was in Wessex, otherwise it wouldn't make any sense. She was Saxon, or at least not from his home. That could only have been when he was captured with his father by King Ecbert. His heart ached at the memory of his father. So it had to be there, but how could they have met, he was in in a cell or locked in a room for the whole ordeal.

A feeling like letting lose of a taut arrow whizzed through his brain as he glanced at her awaiting eyes again.

“You were crawling behind your father into the first ring of the city when....”

“You are the little mouse.” His voice was louder when he interrupted her.

For a moment she looked at him in pure amazement. Bewildered almost as if shot with his arrow. But then seconds went by and her looked formed to something of confusion.

“Mouse?”

“The little girl behind a barrel, hiding away. Tiny thing with huge eyes that stared at me. Like a mouse looking out of its hole.”

“So you really remember me?” Her voice and face went back to amazement and in her pure joy she took a step towards him. Almost as if not even realizing that she did. But he definitely saw it.

“The great Ivar the Boneless knows who I am.” Her voice was small but proud. Almost as if it wasn't a sentence meant for him to hear.

Ivar didn't know how he should react to this. He could yell for his guards, making them run in here and taking her a prisoner that broke into his tent. Probably punished and killed. But something held him back. He was intrigued of this women. Truly she was like a mouse. Small as one. Quiet as one. And also sneaky if he thought about it. Her hands must be quick and steady too if she was able to grab the knife quite literally from under his head. He decided to entertain her joy, and it had definitely nothing to do with the fact that she called him 'the great Ivar the Boneless.'

“Well since you know who I am apparently, tell me your name. Or do you want me to keep calling you mouse?” A self-satisfied smile grew on his face.

“I don't have a name and mouse sounds better then what I was called before.”

That again made him stop for a second. “You don't have a name? Don't be stupid, everyone has one.

“Don't call me stupid.” She held his knife steadily in her hands and this time her voice was void of all emotion. “My mother was crazy when I was born and the time I grew up with her so she called me by a different name every day. And after she died no one was there to give me one. So yes, I don't have one.”

“Well then I just have to call you Mouse then don't I. You looked small back then. And as you said there was no one there to help you. So how did you survive?” His smile turned into a bitter smirk after her mood change.

“Why do you want to know?”

“A person breaks into my tent at night, steals my knife and reveals that we already met once in this life. Why wouldn't I want to know how they did all that?”

Ivar could see that she was hesitating for a moment. But after thinking everything over, the good outcomes and the bad once, she started walking around in his tent. Went from one corner to the next and kept her eyes sweeping over every little thing that she could see.

'Probably looking for something to take with her' Ivar thought with a bitter kind of chuckle.

“I had to live on the streets since I was 5. Mother died and the men who owned our little house threw me out. Didn't need another mouth to feed, he said. So I had to learn how to live on my own. I was small and young so some people pitied me and gave me scraps of food of small measly coins. But I could also run real fast so I could rush around people and take things from them before they knew.”

There was more. He knew it, he could hear it in her tone.

“You said that Mouse was better then the name before, so what was that and who called you that?”

Her steps staggered for a tiny bit and he new that he was right.

“There was a men who helped me.” She was still looking at everything except Ivar. “He helped me, not out of kindness but because he saw that I had talent.” She wiggled her fingers at him and her lips turned up at her words. “I don't know his real name, he never told me but he always called me Pest. So I called him Oldie. He hated that.” Tiny laughter slipped out of her mouth and when she skipped through the room he caught her eyes for a second, seeing that she was in a memory.

“So I would say Mouse is better then Pest wouldn't you?”

Her eyes found his at her question and he only nodded. “So he helped you stealing?”

“I didn't only steal things you know? I sat out in my alley and begged. And I tried to find work. But no one wanted my help. How would anyone want me. I'm not strong and Oldie always said I have to big of a mouth. I can't keep it shut. And I needed training at the beginning. Had to run away a lot of times to escape the guards when people saw me.”

The smile that was threatening to grow on Ivars face was quickly pushed back down. He hadn't decided yet if he would let her go or not.

“For a long time in my life I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. I had to be lucky.Waiting that people took pity in me. I had to be patient and hungry for most of my days. But then I heard stories of you. People talked about the sons of Ragnar and even after I left York a couple of months after I saw you, I still listened to the people when they talked about you. How you avenged your father and later took York. How the cripple that I saw crawling around was now walking and riding a horse.”

Not even he noticed her standing beside his bed. He was too compelled by her words and the admiration that was back in her eyes that drew him in like a moth to a flame.

“But after hearing your stories. The stories of Ivar the Boneless and how he conquered and fought and of how he became King I realized that I didn't want to depend on anyone but myself anymore. If you could rise up to such a degree I didn't want to stay where I was” She sat down on his bed. Right next to him.

Never had he imagined that he would inspire someone in such a way. Raising fear and misery. Making people scream when they heard stories of him. Having poets sing about his conquests and destructions. All that was more logical then the admiration he got from this women before him. Confusion showed on his face.

“You knew that I could kill you the moment yet you stepped into my tent. But still you came.”

His question was met with a nod. Her eyes piercing his.

“You did not come here to steal my things did you?” After looking at her hands he added with a smirk. “Well except my knife.”

She smiled and and nodded her head again when she looked at the mentioned knife in her hands. Tightening her grip she slowly moved her hand towards him as if she wanted to give it back to him. He didn't react to her movements.

“I just wanted to see you again. You haven't left my mind for a long time.”

Her innocent honesty touched his heart in a strange way. She did not come to steal. She could have even killed him with his own knife. Gods she sat herself right next to him even though she knew that he could probably crush her like a bug with his bare hands. Still she risks her life just to see him one more time. To see the person that gave her hope all her life. Hope for something better. Hope that even a person that has to crawl though the dirt can become someone great.

Not knowing what he should do with her words and the warmness that spread though him all of a sudden he asked her the first thing that came to his mind.

“Where is Oldie?”

Bemusement at his question and sadness for her upcoming answer mixed on her face.

“I killed him.”

Shock and a slight silver of panic made itself known inside Ivar's head. Maybe he should have taken the knife back. But before it could grow bigger she continued.

“He was caught in a bear trap when we moved around. His wound did not get better so one night he asked me to end his pain. And I did.”

His panic subsided but with it grew a kind of sadness. Empathy maybe. He saw that her hands started to tremble just a tiny bit so he enclosed her small cold hands with his larger warm once.

The trembling stopped and a gasp was heard though the tent. She looked at their hands and took in his warmth. The difference in size was almost comical. And when he started to speak in a voice not many people would hear, quiet but tender, she met his eyes again. Feeling the squeeze of his hands.

“You should take my knife with you. You earned it by taking it from under my head.”

She wanted to protest, further proving that she really did not want to hurt him or steal from him.

But he wouldn't let her.

“A little mouse like you should have something to defend herself. You can't always run away to escape. You have this now as a gift. So you will take it.”

His last words were stoic. He wouldn't take it back and she knew it at his tone.

“Thank you.” Now even her voice sounded like a mouse. Tiny and high.

This was the first thing someone ever gave her as a gift. The sun that was slowly creeping up the horizon fell into his tent and with the new small form of light in it he could see that her eyes were shining again, this time with unshed tears of gratitude.

“Now run along little mouse. The sun is rising and you need to escape before the cats awake.”

He squeezed her hands one more time and then let her go.

Standing form his bed she did not broke the gaze they shared. Even when she made her way closer to his desk she still looked at him. Only now he could see the tiny gab under his desk. The one she probably sneaked her way into.

“Goodbye Ivar.”

“Goodbye little Mouse.”

“Hopefully I can see you again one more time. See if you still remember me then.”

“Oh I'm sure I will.”

With his last words her smile was as blinding as the upcoming sun. Oh yes he would not forget her.

She turned around reluctantly, bend down to the ground and crawled through the hole. The tent was empty again.

Ivar had to laugh. She really was a mouse. Sighing he laid back down, knowing that it was no use in trying to sleep again. He was wide awake and soon his brother and Harald were up to further discuss their plans. He really hoped that after this battle their paths would meet again. That he could talk to her more and learn more about her life.

But for now he had to win against Alfred. After that he could think of his little mouse again.

————————————

Let me know what you thought! Feedback is really appreciated✨ have a nice day!

[let-me-touch-your-soul]

a loveless letter

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for years now but I just haven’t been able to formulate my thoughts into words and I never knew when would be the perfect time to write. I was waiting for us to end so I can have the whole picture to reflect on but I no longer see an end in sight for us and this letter is probably going to be very messy with no plot at all, so just bare with me for now until I can write a better, more chronological letter. And let me just preface this by saying this is in no way me putting any blame on you, this isn’t me trying to call you out and paint you as the bad guy. This is just my side of our story. 

We met when I was 4 years old, and all you were to me was my friend’s older brother, nothing more nothing less. I don’t know where exactly I crossed the line or you did, but you are no longer just that. You are now someone who stole my innocence and gave me a warped perception of this world and the word ‘love’. There is so much to say but let me try to start from the beginning. 

When we first started talking outside of family functions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no perception of time so I just like to say it all started when I was 12, but I’m pretty sure it was before that. We started talking and at that time you were just some guy I was interested in; it wasn’t even remotely close to a crush yet, I was just hyped about getting some sort of attention from an older guy. Don’t know where the lines blurred but suddenly you were making sexual advances to a little girl, someone who had no idea what some of the words you were saying meant, someone who was just learning about the horrors of the world, someone who was already getting their childhood and innocence stolen from them. 

I just went along with everything you said and wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint you and didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I became obsessed with the attention you were giving me, well my body. As someone who suffered with an altered body image for as long as I can remember, I was basking in the attention you were giving to the physical parts of me, no matter how objectified and dehumanized it made me feel at times. I lied about the number of people who had touched me and about all the experiences I never had, (I was only 12 so how could you even think I had other people touching me in my most intimate places?), just so you wouldn’t think I was as innocent as I was. You made me grow up too early. 

As we kept talking, my heart slowly made its way to the surface and I caught feelings, despite us both discussing it would be ‘no strings attached’. I thought I was the only one with these flutters and I was way too embarrassed to say anything about the way I really felt so I never brought it up, I just went along with everything you said. After all, I was still just a shy little girl who had no idea what she got herself into. But then one night, you told me you loved me. I still remember that moment vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. It was the night before my first day of school (6th grade) and I was charging my phone in my parent’s bedroom, telling you goodnight, and you replied with “goodnight, love you”, and with shaking hands and a heart going a mile a minute I replied with, “goodnight, love you too”, smiling so hard my cheeks started going numb. That was the beginning of the end of me. 

Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really did love you, but I still said it back because I didn’t want to lose you, but after all these years I think I can safely say that somewhere along the line I did fall in love with you, with what exactly I don’t know, but I did love you. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, there is so much more left of this story, this is barely the beginning. 

You made me believe you loved me. We texted all day and night, meaningless conversations filled with sexual tension. You were the first boy I showed my body to, the first boy I kissed, the first boy who held me and touched me, the first boy I shed tears for, the first boy I had feelings for and said “I love you” to. 

I remember seeing you with different girls on your snap everyday and remember hearing about you from other girls you were doing the same thing to them as were doing to me, and with every girl I lost a piece of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jealous. I knew you weren’t mine, you made that pretty clear from the beginning, and I was never the jealous type. But, I was hurt. I thought I was faulty. I couldn’t blame you, because you made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t want anything exclusive, this was all just fun for you, a passing time, so with no one to blame I blamed myself. All the other girls were much older than me, and prettier, and skinnier, so if I was just prettier and as skinny as them maybe you would show me more attention right? I started changing myself. I ate less and threw up more. I started wearing tighter clothes and starting drinking and smoking, because that would make me more cooler and desirable right? Wrong. You still looked at other girls, and I couldn’t change myself anymore, I was on the brink of losing myself, love. All for you. But you never noticed. You never cared enough to know. 

I remember getting drunk one night and texting you that I loved you but felt as if you didn’t love me. Do you remember that? You replied back in the morning saying you did love me. It was all baseless though. It was very clear you only said that to not be painted as the bad guy, but I still took your word for it and never brought it up again, and neither did you. I think that was the last time the word “love” was uttered between us. Did I ruin it? 

I also can’t help but bring up how all our conversations happened within apps that couldn’t be seen by others unless specifically searched for. After all, who would even believe you were talking to lil ole me. Were you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen talking to me? Well thats exactly what it seemed like. You made it very clear we were to be kept a secret, not a single soul should know you were talking to me. So I kept quiet. Didn’t tell a single soul about the boy who held my heart and crushed it along with my innocence. 

I tried to distance myself from you. I wouldn’t answer your texts, but at times my longing got the best of me and I couldn’t stop myself from responding back to you. We would go months without any contact and every time it was you who would hit me up first and I would lose the battle within me and respond and we would be back to square one, texting as if nothing changed between us. I think I found comfort in that familiarity of knowing exactly what to expect when talking to you. Our dynamic never really changed over the years, did it? I still can’t decide if thats a bad thing or a good thing. 

I tried to move on from you, I really did. But no one, nothing, lasted and I always ended up going back to you one way or another. I tried to fill the hole you left in me with drugs and drinks and boys who also only wanted me for my body. After all, that was all I knew. I didn't know love outside of what I could offer with my body. You taught me I wasn’t anything beyond my body and I never stopped to question it, and sometimes I still regress back to that little girls mind, and I’m still forced to exist in the body I destroyed for you, in the body I still let you use from time to time.

There are times when I think I am completely over you and nothing you do affects me anymore but then you text me again and all the feelings I had for you over the years come rushing back and I feel like I’m 13 all over again falling head over heels in love with you. But honestly, I think I just find comfort in the familiarity of you. We’ve been in this push and pull situationship (what else is there call us?) for I think over 6 years now, and I’ve honestly just come to accept that it probably won’t be a solid ending to this anytime soon. I tried so hard to end it and move and forget about you, but the truth is that I am too weak when it comes to you. Now, I have no idea whatsoever why you keep coming back to me when there are so many other better prospects out there for you and I try not to think too deep into it because I don’t want to create false hope and hurt myself any more than I already have. I gave you all my teenage years, and I am still giving them you. We grew up with each other and these years are just something neither of us can take back and I’ve come to just accept this and try to live with knowing there will never be anything more to us, no matter how hard that acceptance is for me. 

I told myself that going away to college was going to be a fresh new beginning for me and that I would completely cut you off. We all know that didn’t go as planned. I had sex with you for the first time this summer. Did you know that was my first time lol? Yeah I literally have never had anyone touch me like that except for you. I don’t think I can ever come clean about that to you because that’s just too much power in your hands over me with that information. I’m sorry for lying and making you think I was more experienced than I actually was, but I guess now you know why I did it. 

I think for me to be able to fully move I would need to hear your side of everything from you. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need directly form you so I guess this is why I’m writing this, as a way to get some type of closure for myself. I never plan on telling you any of this because being vulnerable is just not something I have in me, especially to you, so I guess we both will just be living in the dark about this without any answers for the rest of our lives. 

Sometimes, and I know this sounds hilarious and dumb, I wonder what the future holds for us. I wonder if we met at a different point in our lives, where we were both older and wiser, would we have been able to be more than what we are now, whatever we are now. I’ve held feelings for you inside of me for so long I really don’t think it will ever go away; I’m just going to have to find a way to live with them for the rest of my life. I just want to end this by letting you know that if you ever change your mind about me and us, and want there to actually be an ‘us’ exclusively, I will say yes to you without hesitation. You hold pieces of me I will never get back, pieces I don’t even know if I want back, and I don’t think if I will ever be able to devote myself so someone else with the same intensity I devoted myself to you. I used to be able to see a future with you, and I would like to blame that on my naive, young brain. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone who comes into my life will reciprocate the same feelings as me and that love is only a figment of one’s imagination. I sincerely hope you never feel what I felt and that you find someone who loves you back the same way you love them. I hope you are happy and content with wherever you end up in life, just don’t forget me. :)

[i-am-ironic]

Daminette arranged mariage au part 7

**************************

Damian arrived right on time as usual, to pick Marinette up for dinner. In the car they went over the plan one last time.

"So the plan right now is just to tell your brothers that we are dating until the papers go through confirming you are Xander's father, right?" Marinette said watching the city fly by.

"It shouldn't take long." Damien replied, "Rich families tend to get things done faster then anyone else. Everything should be in order before the end of dinner."

"But what about when they start asking questions?"

"We avoid the questions until the paperwork goes through, then we can tell them the whole story." He Paused thinking back. "When I got back I didn't talk about what happened. I didn't tell anyone so they should be interested enough in the story to leave their questions till the end."

"This might not go well dames," Marinette started Fidgeting with her bracelet, "what if they don't like me? Or they think I'm helping your mother? Or what if-"

"No, mari." He said, his voice bringing her away from her anxious thoughts, "it will be fine. i promise. they will love you and once we explain, everything will be fine. We are here are you ready?"

She nodded and stepped out of the car. The manor was even more extravagant then she had imagined. She was going to need to come back to sckech just the doorway not to mention the rest of the house. Thinking about the architecture helped to calm her nerves.

"Here we go" she said stepping up to the door. It opened before dhe even had the chance to knock. Behind the door was an elderly man in a suite.

"Hello Ms my name is Alfred, I am the Wayne's butler and your name is?"

"Just call me marinette.”

“I must insist it wouldn't be proper to call you anything but your last name.” Alfred said.

“Just marinette for now but you will probably know my last name by the end of the night.” he looked at her curiously, why didn’t she want him to know her name yet?

“Very well ms marinette,” he said before turning to damian, “master damian your family is waiting for you in The sitting room.”

the two of them walked into the room and marinette was expecting a lot of things, but not this. damian just looked so done with his family. 

“Ahem.”he said drawing attention to himself.  “Marinette these are my brothers Dick is the one hanging from the chandelier” she waved at the familiar man. “Tim is the one drinking straight from the pot of coffee and Jason is the one throwing knifes at Dick. Oh and cass is the only normal one sitting on the couch.”

“Hey!” the boys all yelled in unison.

“Its a pleasure to see you again marinette.” bruse said before the boys could start arguing “I presume that our other guest will be here after dinner?”

“That is correct Mr Wayne.”

“Its Bruce as I have told you.”

marinette rooled her eyes smiling. She wasn't going to call him Bruce

“Hold on what other guest?” Jason said confused.

“Dinner is served.” alfrid said from the doorway as he lead the group out of the room.

“Damian wait!” Dick said reaching out for his little brother. Damian turned glancing at marinette who nodded.

“What do you want Grayson?” he siad eager to get back to marinette. 

“I don't think you should be seeing marinette you know how dangerous our 'job' is and-”

“She can take care of herself” he cut his brother off turning to follow were the rest of the group had gone. 

Dick grabbed Damian’s arm makeing him stay this was importent.“I'm sure she can but she has a 2 year old son who can't take care of himself and I don't think-”

“Richard.” that got his attention damian never called anyone by their first name.

“Yes?”

“Xander is my son.” that took a moment to Process before-

“WHAT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE IS YOUR SON!”

without answering Damian walked out of the room. Dick folowed him into the dining room, where evryone looked at the two.

“Dick whats wrong? we heard yelling and you look like you saw a ghost.” Cass said conserned. 

“Its nothing,” Damian replied sharing a meningful look with marinette. “I'm sure Grayson is fine. so marinette do I need to take any of my brothers to the garden”

evryone looked shocked at the implicashons but marinette just giggled.

“No they have all been wonderful. besids you know i can handle your brothers.”she smiled. 

“Listen, marinette, if damian kidnapped you blink twice.” jason said in a sereous tone.

she gigaled again, “He didn't kidnap me besides we both know I can beat damian in a fight.”

“take that back! i have beaten you plenty of times before.” this made the boys and cass very intrested, if damian was defending himself he must have actualy tried to beat her, and falled.

“Dames I beat you 68% of the time.” interesting. 

“so you admit i have beaten you before!” he said triumfently.

“Yeah when I let you win.” damians mouth fell open in legitament showk. he looked over at his father, who nodded, before making a statment that would change this family forever.

“Marinette Anne dupan-chang al Ghul Wayne you take that back right this minute!”

the reactions were very mixed. Dick was shocked. not only did his baby brother have a child but it apered that he was marred. Jason didnt know what to think. he had begun to coneckt the dots, marinette had foud the father of her chiled, she then showed up with his brother and she had the same last name as him. $#*! Tim alerdy knew about all this from his reserch and cass decided to wait for an explanation.

“No.” marinette said scrunching up her noes playfully. "I refuse to take it back."

there was silence for a moment before Bruce spoke.

“Maybe we should continue this discussion in the sitting room”

“So would you like to explain why marinette has the same last name as you?” cass said once they reached the other room. 

“Not really but-”

“dames be nice, we knew we were going to explain when we came here tonight. I'll text luka.” 

.”Who's Luka?” Tim said, he hadn't read anythig about a ‘Luka’.

“Its a long story so let's start from the beginning,” marinette started.

“Three and a half years ago I was walking back to my family's house after hanging out at a friend's house. Before I got home I saw a man who needed help, so I went over to help. him i cant remember what he was doing but when I got there I felt a prick in the back of my neck. I pulled the dart out before I hit the ground. The next thing I knew I was in a room laying on a coute. the door was locked and I could hear yelling from someone else in the building. I could tell it was a man but I couldn't make out what he was saying. it wasn't in french I later found out he was speaking Arabic. After the yelling stopped i heard the door unlock and got ready to run but when the door opened a woman was standing there with two big men behind her. She walked in and because of the two men I couldn't run. She started speaking to me in french she said 'my name it Talia. I need you to put on this ceremonial dress.' To which I replied as any sane person would that I wasn't going to put on the dress and they needed to take me back home. She asked 'did you hear that man yelling a moment ago?' 'Yes?' I said though I wasn't sure what that had to do with anything. 'if you don't put it on and do what I say I will kill him.' So I put on the dress. They tied my hands behind my back and blindfolded me before leading me out of the cell I was in. When they took the blindfold off I was kneeling at an alter. Talia began speaking in french so I could understand. She was saying things about the strongest bond known to man, and a queen for the future king. I didn't understand what she meant until I turned to see a boy my age bound and kneeling next to me. Thats when it hit me we were getting married. She made us drink something from a chalice before we were ushered into a different room. We were both untied and left alone. the door locked behind us. The only thing in the room was a bed. The boy introduced himself as damian and said that he wasn't sure why his mother made us get married but that he was going to get some answers. He looked pretty cute when he said that.”

Damian blushed at her compliment.  

“Anyway Talia's explanation was that damian was 16 and for the league that meant he was a man and had to get married. And I had the great honor to be the one he married. I, was pissed. She said that as such a powerful magic user i was worthy to marry the future king of the league of assassins. I was even more pissed. She had the audacity to say that getting married, AT 16, to someone you had never met was a good thing. That little-”

“Alright mari I'll take over.” Damian said resting a hand on her sholder. “Anyway she said that after a year of mari training with the league we could go back to our normal lifes until we turned 18, at which point if we didn't at least move in together they would kill one of us. best mom ever. After that we were left alone to talk. Every day we trained and talked and worked hard. Once a month they would move us to a different compound and give us a huge array of blood tests. We became good friends. it was us against everyone else. Since we were already married we decided to give this whole romantic thing a try. But after six months I was sent to meeting with Talia she said I was going home and knocked me out sending me back to you. I searched and searched but I couldn't find any sign of marinette. so I had to asume Talia killed her. I couldn't think about France without thinking about her so I blocked all news from France. I didn't say anything to anyone for a month. And evrey year for one day I couldn’t speak, the anniversary of the last day I saw her alive.”

“I wasn't dead incase you were wondering.” marinette said picking up where damian left off,” I was sent to the med bay. No one would tell me what was happening or were damian was until Talia came in and said damian had fulfilled his usefulness. she exsplaned The only reason i was there was because damian had spent to much time with his father and had gone soft. The league needed a new heir to the throne. They picked me to be the mother of that heir. I was stuck there for months. I knew they weren't going to let me go. After the baby was born they were going to kill me. One day something big happened, I don't know what but it was big enough no one was watching me. I escaped. I hiched rides to France and snuck across borders. When I finally got back i saw a doctor as soon as I could. I didn't know if the baby was ok. He was born when I was 17.” she turned to the door where a young man stood holdng a toddler who scrambled down and ran over to his parints. “Everyone I would like you to meet Xander Thomas dupan-chang al Ghul Wayne.”

“Damian you have a son.” cass said wide eyed.

“I'm aware” damian said handing the boy his phone with a game already opened up. 

“Xander is my nephew??????” Dick said staring at the boy like he had grown a secend head.

“Yes.” marinette said simply.” It took a year to defeat Paris' villain. After that I moved here to find damian and tell him about Xander.”

“Dang. So you know about Robin then?”

“Yep”

“Why didn't you say anything??? I've known you for over a year and you said nothing????” the betrayed jason said.

“I didn't want to explain anything until I could tell damian. i thought He should be the first to know about his son.”

“We have a break in at gatham museum.” alfered said over the intorcom

“We are not done with this conversation.” Bruce said. 

“Suite up!” called Tim.

“Marinette do you want to come?”

she smiled at her husband “I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

************

I'm pretty sure this is the longest chapter I've ever written yay me. Pro tip if you see a centipede in your house DON'T TUCH IT it can and will sting you and it will hurt, my little brother just got stung by one. Anyway im glad so many of you like this story thanks for all the love! If you want to be tagged please let me know you can ether message me or reply to this. And if anyone can explain how to link things the pretty way with just "here" underlined that would be great. if you asked to be tagged and you weren't then ask again and ill put you on the list.

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[seoafin]

BYE I WAS IMMERSED WITH GENSHIN’s STORY PLOT (AND THE FANARTS ON MY TL) WHICH WAS ALSO DROPPED EARLIER THIS MORNING AND FORGOT ABT JJK FOR A SPLIT SEVONDSJJSJEJ

but anyways ,, jjk 145// the more i write abt it, the more i’ll sound incoherent, this is ur last warning to ignore this 🧍‍♂️(1)

the one who is based on avalokitesvara (i’ll start calling it them as kannon from now) that i mentioned was actually brain (out of ppl) 😭😭

kenjaku (羂索) is shorten from "不空羂索観音 (fukukenjakukannon)" ,, they existed b4 the heian period... older then sukuna ?? suggested that brain is at least 1k years old... hsjsjjsjs

fukukenjakukannon, a manifestation of the buddhist god of mercy and compassion,, perhaps of some interest is that the fukukenjaku shares some kanji with gojou's infinite void followed by kanjis for trap & rope, with kannon directly referring to an all-knowing/overseeing divine existence. it rly does seem that kenjaku, tengen, and gojou's fates have all been strongly interwined throughout history,, kannon has been perceived as both male and female depending on the portrayal and the region, not unlike jjk's kenjaku switching bodies and genders over the course of time (kamo vs kaori vs getou)

some associations with kannon may be relevant to jjk. namely, as yuki mentions, salvation ,, kannon is a deity to serve his subjects, and resolve their suffering by eliminating its source,,, in which case, i think kenjaku's goal may possibly not be too far off from geto’s ,,,,, he may think that he is saving a group that is enduring greater suffering than any other. whether that is shamans, cursed spirits, or sth else entirely is up for debate. given his persistence over the millenia, and the likelihood of spreading suffering worldwide through a universal tengen merger, it's more than likely that he has a very personal motive. note that under his plan it is specifically the evil of a human that would spread and destroy all of humankind connected through tengen

this is an interesting contrast to sukuna, who is much more whimsical and far less calculated. i think the clash between these 2 in the past will have strong relevance for the future,,, on the other hand, since kannon has historically manifested in response to the suffering of various beings, it may be that the feelings of cursed spirits as a whole have led to kenjaku's existence. he could very well be a curse born from curses, instead of from humans.

okay now what i'm really excited abt: the relationship between kenjaku and the 6 eyes. 1 of the functions of kannon is to protect the 6 realms of rebirth/the 6 paths. u may already be familiar with this buddhist concept as it has been referenced in a variety of animanga (notably it is a major plot point of naruto, it's mukuro's ability in KHR, etc.). there's strong reason to believe this concept also has connections to the gojou 6 eyes ability. i think if we get to learn more abt the 6 eyes, i may be able to speak more on this point.

(as a side note here, i’ll mention that there’s an association between kannon and the protection of aborted children, perhaps relating to og kamo and the death paintings)

at the very least, we know that kenjaku and the 6 eyes are in opposition, and i'm speculating that the gojou bloodline is the true manifestation of a protective deity, at least for the humans, and kenjaku's goals are antithetical to that,,, perhaps, as yuki kind of suggested, taking the name kenjaku is a joke of sorts. if sukuna is malevolence incarnate, kenjaku is mercilesness,,

i think some of the core concepts being explored by the tengen storyline are that of form and existence. gojou satoru, tengen, kenjaku, and eventually the star plasma vessels are existences that transcend the norm,,, toji on the other hand, is the only example of the opposite. an existence that shouldn't have ever existed, in a sense. kenjaku seemed to have used that to his advantage in his manipulation of the events in hidden inventory,,, but it also leads me to believe that only a similar anomaly could undo the new destiny he's setting up for himself.

geto was the perfect piece to set kenjaku up for success in conducting a merger and putting this culling game into motion. geto's path has led to this outcome,,, in which case, an apt parallel as we have known all along is that gojou's path should lead to the counter-outcome: megumi, yuuta, and especially yuuji— these 3 will be the key to unravelling kenjaku's plan.

also tengen said that kenjaku’s objective is to send all the ppl in jpn to higan or turning all non shamans into one but he doesnt have enough cursed energy to do that,,, i did say that yuuji’s birthday took place in the 4th solar term where a part of a week long celebration haru no higan (higan 彼岸→other shore, buddhist pārāmitā), when ppl would honour the dead and sweep ancestral tombs took place,,,

so theres this buddhist mantra, called the “heart sutra” and the last verse of the sutra is,,

there are many sutras in buddhism, but the most well-known among them is probably the Heart Sutra,, altho it depends on the sect (of buddhism), the heart sutra is often read at funerals and memorial services, so even if,, and for some reason the sutra is often associated to kannon even in the utube thumbnail 👁👁 if u search up prajnaparamita sutra,,

heart sutra has the meaning of "an important teaching to reach the state of enlightenment by the power to see through the truth and essence." which is based on the idea of ​​"void" as this important teaching,, the sutra tells us what we shld do to be free from the suffering of this world and live in peace,, in the heart sutra, the idea of ​​"void" is especially important.

buddhism can be broadly divided into theravada and mahayana buddhism,,,,

theravada is a teaching that only some ppl (those who practice buddhism with strict lifestyle like the monks) reach the state of enlightenment, while mahayana is a teaching that all ppl (some who practice Buddhism) can reach enlightment even if u dont practice anything related to the religion,,, the idea of ​​the void has the idea of ​​not being caught up in individual things and not being obsessed with it, and the idea of ​​heart sutra belongs to the category of mahayana buddhism

"void" does not mean "empty" but "no substance (no fixed shape)". the sutra also states that "everything keeps changing" and "although it keeps changing, the essence (core) of things remains the same."

for eg, the idea is, "i am me, no matter how old i am,, my appearance and various abilities deteriorate, how I am evaluated by others, whether i feel good or bad."

in other words,,, it’s a teaching to be aware of the essence without being caught up in the phenomenon of change.

"void" means "no substance (no fixed shape)", which means that u don't have to be obsessed with things or get caught up in one value.

eg, the reason why diamonds are beautiful is that diamonds arent beautiful from the beginning, but that humans decide that they’re beautiful,,, and that each person has a fixed evaluation of the movement of their hearts that they feel is beautiful. but thats not always the case right?

the last verse goes like this :

“Therefore, Prajna Paramita is known as the most divine mantra,

the great enlightening mantra,

the utmost mantra,

the incomparable mantra,

destroyer of all suffering!

Since what is true is not in vain, listen to the mantra of the Prajna Paramita– it goes like this:

GATE GATE PARA GATE PARASAM GATE BODHI SVAHA!”

the translation of the last line is: “going, going, going on beyond, always going on beyond, always becoming buddha.”

quoted from a web here : “it suggests movement toward awakening. It expresses the enlightenment of a buddha as an unfolding process, rather than a steady state. It puts us in the hopeful position of one who may not have arrived, but who may be on the way. The destination may not be an end, but the journey itself.

As appealing as this translation is, it is by no means the only one. When you do an Internet search for the terms “Heart Sutra” or “Prajna Paramita” you get numerous references. At these various pages you will find several different translations of the mantra. These include:

* Gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. Oh what an awakening! All hail!

* Gone, gone, gone beyond altogether beyond, Awakening, fulfilled!

* Gone, gone, gone to the Other Shore, attained the Other Shore having never left.

* Gone, gone, totally gone, totally completely gone, enlightened, so be it.

* “Oh, you have done! You have done! You have completely crossed the margin. This is Enlightenment! Congratulations!” “

the irony though of toji dying thinking that he should've stuck his principles but actually having ridiculous impact on the world,, this also puts a new spin on the "look upon the flesh of one who is free" (afaik it was left untranslated on his cover page when he invade dagon’s domain) and the implication is imo,,, the more cursed energy, the more restrictions and so in a way humanity goes into a devolution the more cursed energy there is because they will be bound even more tightly to the cycle than before,, which is the irony of the kenjaku & bodhisattva linkage

toji had a heavenly restriction and has zero cursed energy, which is an anomaly that is his own, which makes me wonder what he would've been like if he had an expressed technique,,, but it's the zero cursed energy part, that uniqueness, that makes him powerful in canon

im rly curious how having cursed power automatically seems to lock u into a binding,,, which is seemingly fate. the shaman world rly operates entirely on rules,, where this is because of tengen's barriers or the origin of techniques being more commonplace im not sure

i used to think CTs came abt when individual sorcerers made pacts with supernatural beings etc but now im not sure,, despite leaning hard on shinto and buddhist frameworks there isnt much overt indication over what is and is not a real power in canon,,, like we have mahoraga but are bodhisattvas assumed to be real and exist? or as figures of belief, are they and other figures of shinto mythology, all just cursed spirits in the end?

but that tengen is linked with the proliferation of 6 eyes and star plasma vessel, makes me start wondering how and why tengen started this whole barrier thing,, like yes jpn has a ton of cursed spirits but was it before or after the barrier i can't remember now

maybe Kenjaku was messing around too much back then,, i like how sukuna also maybe had very lil to do with this and is possibly going to interfere as a wild card once more. is the idea to use him as a hail mary so u convey more ppl to the other side all at once? unless kenjaku thinks sukuna is the person who got closest to the next evolution of humankind and is actually a fan 🥴

but yeah if sukuna and megumi can remake the world together can they just hit the reset button so tengen isn't somehow this massive jungian collective unconscious? is sukuna going to accidentally save the world lol,,, i didn't care for fate themes before since it felt like akutami hadn't wholly committed to it as a theme,,, but fate and collective responsibility/influence on the individual just became a much bigger theme

also the mind/body/soul thing with tengen,,, when is that idea coming back

so tengen and sukuna are so far the only ppl who have said to have evolved into curses, whereas kenjaku still seems to be a shaman, as well as angel. what catalyzes that??

also how tf are the cursed weapons made i have questions,, just putting it out here but i actually thought that if toji, presumably, didnt rebel and defected from the clan,,, what are the chances of zenin thinking of turning him into a cursed weapon lol

,,, does being a cursed spirit mean u are bound even more tightly to fate? or do u escape because u are no longer a human bound by ur technique and u are instead just energy that keeps cycling over and over.....cursed energy rly just karma with strength mechanics???

why did gojou get rid of the black rope only for yuuta go to find more??? seems contradictory,, like...did he exorcise sth in that couple years gap?? or were there other reasons? or is HE the one scared since he also hid the inverted spear of heaven,,, makes me wonder how common knowledge all these mechanics actually are

trying to wrap my head around potential megumi learned helplessness or not being able to work through his own problems, or if it's this weird backward wishing that he didn't HAVE to deal with problems if he didn't HAVE to do these things and there were simple solutions,,, like i don't think he's exactly lazy bc he seems to do a lot of work behind the scenes, but there's a certain stasis to him, a wishing not to know. i wonder if he was ever given the "u are a child and I'm the adult" speech nanami gave yuuji

nanami, qifrey and maybe reigen are the adult/ mentor figures i wish was/ is in my life orz

i think it's kind of funny how 145 is like suddenly christianity! this manga is just abt the many ways people seek freedom and want to be delivered,,,

but im not going to talk abt it 😔 — i only have lil to no knowledge abt it other than the lil trivias my friends dropped time to time whenever we’re having a discourse abt religion suddenly lmao and im not a big fan of talking abt things idk abt bc i’ll just look stupid otherwise LMAO

its interesting to note that christian have this uh for a lack of better way to describe it, higher power which can grant u eternal salvation or damnation while buddhism is just fending for urself in pursuit of enlightment ,,, while buddhism also have beings like devas/ deities it just means that 1) if ur born as one, u must have done a good deed sometime in one of ur previous lives,, 2) u just have a ridiculous long life span but yes u’ll eventually die again and rebirth as sth depending on ur actions,,, that goes for living in gods, demi-gods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts or hells realms

this is completely unrelated but,, my mother used to blast the heart sutra frequently in my house back then and the only thing i catch is the “gate gate parasamgate bodhi svaha” which i used ,, whenever i see sth..that is supposed to be unseen

theres this time i stayed behind in cram school for an exam,, i purposely took a another path from my usual one to clear my head (but im still familiar) and i saw this guy standing on the side road and the only thing that went thru my mind back them was “why is he not moving? is he waiting for someone? is he lost or sth,, the main road is just 6 foot away tho lol”

it was until i keep looking at each house that i finally notice that the spot he stood on is not even a ground lvl asphalt,, it’s a fucking sewer which means that he’s actually floating 😭😭 i just jogged and say sth along the line “wow today, ma is cooking hotpot for dinner (i actually have no idea what she plans to cook everyday) i dont want to eat it cold,, so i better hurry up” out loud while chanting the verse in my head

theres also this time me and a friend were sitting on my motorcycle after getting our late night food run until a particular smell and when we stay silent, a woman is singing on the branch right above us that we dipped right away and i almost catch a ticket for speeding all the while thinking abt that verse💀

i dont mind seeing one of “them” but i do have a problem with them following me back home and end up haunting my house for some period of time,, that one or sth ghost who slam things around and giggle in the middle of the night is enough for me to deal with 😀

now im off crying abt genshin (again) now and i’ll go back to sleep afterwards,,, ALSO I LOVE WITCH HATE ATALIERJSJEJEJ- 🐱 (2)

you literally brought up THE SAME EXACT QUESTIONS I HAVE!!! like why would gojo send yuuta to find more of the rope if he destroyed it in the first place?? unless he destroyed it in the heat of the battle with miguel during the prequel but it didn’t look like that. also i saw on twitter kenjaku might not even be a male?? apparently when referring to kenjaku, tengen didn’t use gendered pronouns. im also super curious as to how the six eyes, star plasma vessel (riko...), tengen, and kenjaku are all entwined because kenjaku’s plan was a long time coming, even though he was foiled two times already.

this reminds me of the heavenly restrictions because im still so confused about what exactly it is!! is it something a person is born with or is it something that is placed on a baby by another person??

you brought up fate too and i think that’s such an interesting concept like with akutami making more and more references to the heian era and the “golden age of sorcery” in the end I feel like everything led up to this moment. the existence of cursed energy too just feels like this “endless cycle of fate” which makes sense considering this theme also kinda aligns with yuuji’s birth which was pre planned. idk...this whole thing is suddenly feeling so much more insidious than we may have originally thought.

the sudden christianity mention is a pretty odd choice on akutami’s part but a lot of ppl (including me) are speculating that hana is going to be a harbinger of doom or something. once again is she even japanese?? the western concept of angels have never been particularly altruistic either.

unfortunately gojo has always been treating megumi like an adult so i don’t think he was ever given the “you are a child” talk from gojo. we can see it in their first meeting too. when their conversation takes a turn to serious, it becomes a conversation is from one adult to another. gojo also seems like the type to pile even more responsibility onto megumi because gojo isn’t responsible, so megumi had to pick up that slack.

i agree with you. i think sukuna is literally a wild card LMAO he does what he wants when he wants and that’s in. i don’t even think you can have a contingency plan for sukuna because he’s just that unpredictable!!!

nanami, qifrey and MAYBE reigen LSDNFKJFKN....reigen beats gojo by far though so i’ll give reigen that (that's not saying much tho tbh 😭) reigen's still sexy as hell tho 😁

also you mentioned khr!! khr is one of my favorite mangas of all time....although amano akira cannot write women despite being one khr still holds a very special place in my heart. i had no idea mukuro was influenced by kannon (to be fair i was like 14) but then again...mukuro’s eyes....i can’t believe our tastes in animanga are the same....bestie our taste>>>

HELLO???? YOU’RE RUNNING INTO SUPERNATURAL CREATURES LIKE THAT??? also motorcycles!! now im like 80% sure you're in SEA somewhere, bc as someone who lived in a SEA country for 3 years and went to school in a haunted building I feel you LMAO