#09/20/2021 3:04am | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

let-me-touch-your-soul · 3 years ago

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a loveless letter

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for years now but I just haven’t been able to formulate my thoughts into words and I never knew when would be the perfect time to write. I was waiting for us to end so I can have the whole picture to reflect on but I no longer see an end in sight for us and this letter is probably going to be very messy with no plot at all, so just bare with me for now until I can write a better, more chronological letter. And let me just preface this by saying this is in no way me putting any blame on you, this isn’t me trying to call you out and paint you as the bad guy. This is just my side of our story.

We met when I was 4 years old, and all you were to me was my friend’s older brother, nothing more nothing less. I don’t know where exactly I crossed the line or you did, but you are no longer just that. You are now someone who stole my innocence and gave me a warped perception of this world and the word ‘love’. There is so much to say but let me try to start from the beginning.

When we first started talking outside of family functions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no perception of time so I just like to say it all started when I was 12, but I’m pretty sure it was before that. We started talking and at that time you were just some guy I was interested in; it wasn’t even remotely close to a crush yet, I was just hyped about getting some sort of attention from an older guy. Don’t know where the lines blurred but suddenly you were making sexual advances to a little girl, someone who had no idea what some of the words you were saying meant, someone who was just learning about the horrors of the world, someone who was already getting their childhood and innocence stolen from them.

I just went along with everything you said and wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint you and didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I became obsessed with the attention you were giving me, well my body. As someone who suffered with an altered body image for as long as I can remember, I was basking in the attention you were giving to the physical parts of me, no matter how objectified and dehumanized it made me feel at times. I lied about the number of people who had touched me and about all the experiences I never had, (I was only 12 so how could you even think I had other people touching me in my most intimate places?), just so you wouldn’t think I was as innocent as I was. You made me grow up too early.

As we kept talking, my heart slowly made its way to the surface and I caught feelings, despite us both discussing it would be ‘no strings attached’. I thought I was the only one with these flutters and I was way too embarrassed to say anything about the way I really felt so I never brought it up, I just went along with everything you said. After all, I was still just a shy little girl who had no idea what she got herself into. But then one night, you told me you loved me. I still remember that moment vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. It was the night before my first day of school (6th grade) and I was charging my phone in my parent’s bedroom, telling you goodnight, and you replied with “goodnight, love you”, and with shaking hands and a heart going a mile a minute I replied with, “goodnight, love you too”, smiling so hard my cheeks started going numb. That was the beginning of the end of me.

Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really did love you, but I still said it back because I didn’t want to lose you, but after all these years I think I can safely say that somewhere along the line I did fall in love with you, with what exactly I don’t know, but I did love you. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, there is so much more left of this story, this is barely the beginning.

You made me believe you loved me. We texted all day and night, meaningless conversations filled with sexual tension. You were the first boy I showed my body to, the first boy I kissed, the first boy who held me and touched me, the first boy I shed tears for, the first boy I had feelings for and said “I love you” to.

I remember seeing you with different girls on your snap everyday and remember hearing about you from other girls you were doing the same thing to them as were doing to me, and with every girl I lost a piece of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jealous. I knew you weren’t mine, you made that pretty clear from the beginning, and I was never the jealous type. But, I was hurt. I thought I was faulty. I couldn’t blame you, because you made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t want anything exclusive, this was all just fun for you, a passing time, so with no one to blame I blamed myself. All the other girls were much older than me, and prettier, and skinnier, so if I was just prettier and as skinny as them maybe you would show me more attention right? I started changing myself. I ate less and threw up more. I started wearing tighter clothes and starting drinking and smoking, because that would make me more cooler and desirable right? Wrong. You still looked at other girls, and I couldn’t change myself anymore, I was on the brink of losing myself, love. All for you. But you never noticed. You never cared enough to know.

I remember getting drunk one night and texting you that I loved you but felt as if you didn’t love me. Do you remember that? You replied back in the morning saying you did love me. It was all baseless though. It was very clear you only said that to not be painted as the bad guy, but I still took your word for it and never brought it up again, and neither did you. I think that was the last time the word “love” was uttered between us. Did I ruin it?

I also can’t help but bring up how all our conversations happened within apps that couldn’t be seen by others unless specifically searched for. After all, who would even believe you were talking to lil ole me. Were you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen talking to me? Well thats exactly what it seemed like. You made it very clear we were to be kept a secret, not a single soul should know you were talking to me. So I kept quiet. Didn’t tell a single soul about the boy who held my heart and crushed it along with my innocence.

I tried to distance myself from you. I wouldn’t answer your texts, but at times my longing got the best of me and I couldn’t stop myself from responding back to you. We would go months without any contact and every time it was you who would hit me up first and I would lose the battle within me and respond and we would be back to square one, texting as if nothing changed between us. I think I found comfort in that familiarity of knowing exactly what to expect when talking to you. Our dynamic never really changed over the years, did it? I still can’t decide if thats a bad thing or a good thing.

I tried to move on from you, I really did. But no one, nothing, lasted and I always ended up going back to you one way or another. I tried to fill the hole you left in me with drugs and drinks and boys who also only wanted me for my body. After all, that was all I knew. I didn't know love outside of what I could offer with my body. You taught me I wasn’t anything beyond my body and I never stopped to question it, and sometimes I still regress back to that little girls mind, and I’m still forced to exist in the body I destroyed for you, in the body I still let you use from time to time.

There are times when I think I am completely over you and nothing you do affects me anymore but then you text me again and all the feelings I had for you over the years come rushing back and I feel like I’m 13 all over again falling head over heels in love with you. But honestly, I think I just find comfort in the familiarity of you. We’ve been in this push and pull situationship (what else is there call us?) for I think over 6 years now, and I’ve honestly just come to accept that it probably won’t be a solid ending to this anytime soon. I tried so hard to end it and move and forget about you, but the truth is that I am too weak when it comes to you. Now, I have no idea whatsoever why you keep coming back to me when there are so many other better prospects out there for you and I try not to think too deep into it because I don’t want to create false hope and hurt myself any more than I already have. I gave you all my teenage years, and I am still giving them you. We grew up with each other and these years are just something neither of us can take back and I’ve come to just accept this and try to live with knowing there will never be anything more to us, no matter how hard that acceptance is for me.

I told myself that going away to college was going to be a fresh new beginning for me and that I would completely cut you off. We all know that didn’t go as planned. I had sex with you for the first time this summer. Did you know that was my first time lol? Yeah I literally have never had anyone touch me like that except for you. I don’t think I can ever come clean about that to you because that’s just too much power in your hands over me with that information. I’m sorry for lying and making you think I was more experienced than I actually was, but I guess now you know why I did it.

I think for me to be able to fully move I would need to hear your side of everything from you. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need directly form you so I guess this is why I’m writing this, as a way to get some type of closure for myself. I never plan on telling you any of this because being vulnerable is just not something I have in me, especially to you, so I guess we both will just be living in the dark about this without any answers for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes, and I know this sounds hilarious and dumb, I wonder what the future holds for us. I wonder if we met at a different point in our lives, where we were both older and wiser, would we have been able to be more than what we are now, whatever we are now. I’ve held feelings for you inside of me for so long I really don’t think it will ever go away; I’m just going to have to find a way to live with them for the rest of my life. I just want to end this by letting you know that if you ever change your mind about me and us, and want there to actually be an ‘us’ exclusively, I will say yes to you without hesitation. You hold pieces of me I will never get back, pieces I don’t even know if I want back, and I don’t think if I will ever be able to devote myself so someone else with the same intensity I devoted myself to you. I used to be able to see a future with you, and I would like to blame that on my naive, young brain. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone who comes into my life will reciprocate the same feelings as me and that love is only a figment of one’s imagination. I sincerely hope you never feel what I felt and that you find someone who loves you back the same way you love them. I hope you are happy and content with wherever you end up in life, just don’t forget me. :)

#09/20/2021 3:04am

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jobsearchtips02 · 4 years ago

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from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/putin-opponent-alexei-navalny-in-intensive-care-after-suspected-poisoning/

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jobsearchtips02 · 4 years ago

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from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/many-predicted-the-dollars-demise-coronavirus-proved-them-wrong/

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from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/analysis-harris-pledges-to-lead-obama-takes-aim-at-trump/

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Large Fire Breaks Out at Poly-America Plant Near Dallas

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from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/large-fire-breaks-out-at-poly-america-plant-near-dallas/

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Business News

5: 40

Modern-Day Gold Rush Has Investors Digging for Profits

8/15/2020 6: 00AM

8/15/2020

6: 05

High-Stakes Arctic Race Heats Up for U.S., Russia and China

8/14/2020 6: 00AM

8/14/2020

6: 24

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris Officially Launch Presidential Ticket

8/12/2020 8: 06PM

8/12/2020

1: 38

Lebanon’s Government Resigns Days After Beirut Explosion

8/10/2020 3: 32PM

8/10/2020

1: 51

Widespread Looting in Chicago Leads to More Than 100 Arrests

8/10/2020 1: 53PM

8/10/2020

Moving Upstream

9: 56

Electric Scooters: Israel’s Two-Wheeled Solution to Traffic and Sabbath

12/20/2018 5: 30AM

12/20/2018

0: 54

Tasting the World’s First Test-Tube Steak

12/11/2018 5: 30AM

12/11/2018

9: 58

High Insulin Prices Drive Diabetics to Take Extreme Measures

12/3/2018 5: 30AM

12/3/2018

9: 57

Weighing the Costs and Benefits of Facial Recognition Technology

11/19/2018 5: 30AM

11/19/2018

9: 54

The Future of Flight: AI in the Cockpit

11/12/2018 5: 30AM

11/12/2018

Mansion

6: 39

WSJ’s House of the Year: A Contemporary Home With Hawaiian Spirit

1/30/2020 11: 00AM

1/30/2020

8: 00

In Greece, a Radical Triangular House Brings the Outdoors Inside

12/21/2019 11: 00AM

12/21/2019

5: 10

A Love of Yurts Inspired This ‘Glamp’ Retreat

7/11/2019 7: 00AM

7/11/2019

5: 38

A Cascades Home Designed to Feel Like Summer Camp

5/2/2019 10: 00AM

5/2/2019

4: 53

A Home Built to Be a Live-In Museum and Expansive Library

2/21/2019 11: 00AM

2/21/2019

Sponsored

27: 34

Sponsored

Creating the Future Workforce

1/17/2017 3: 39PM

1/17/2017

2: 21

Sponsored

Am I Doing What I Love?

9/22/2016 11: 59PM

9/22/2016

1: 00

Sponsored

Golf’s Data Revolution

9/9/2016 2: 16PM

9/9/2016

1: 30

Sponsored

How Worldly Experiences Can Shape One’s Success

1/24/2018

Marketwatch and Barron’s

2: 34

Could autonomous ships prevent collisions costing $20 billion a year?

8/19/2020 7: 00AM

8/19/2020

Human error causes more than 75% of marine collisions, which cost the economy $20 billion a year. Here’s how smart tech in autonomous boats and ships could potentially turn the tide.

2: 14

Real Estate Expert on U.S. Housing

8/18/2020 4: 58PM

8/18/2020

1: 34

Lessons from a Crisis

8/18/2020 4: 53PM

8/18/2020

9: 30

Betterment CEO’s Key Lessons

8/17/2020 9: 04AM

8/17/2020

3: 05

How the increase of remote work could help unlock value in the economy

8/17/2020 7: 00AM

8/17/2020

from Job Search Tips https://jobsearchtips.net/college-towns-brace-for-economic-shakeup/

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