#that's not something i'm in the habit of doing even about shitty takes that upset me deeply; but i am putting my foot down on this one

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

PSA: if you ever, ever feel the urge to make assumptions about the abuse history of a real ass person in a discussion about depictions of fictional abuse--in particular, any variation of the words 'you don't know/should learn what real abuse is'--

a) don't

b) you're a piece of shit

c) never ever ever fucking do that

d) step on legos for the rest of your life.

[tetsumie]

"𝐘𝐎𝐔'𝐑𝐄 𝐒𝐎 𝐂𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐘" 𝐏𝐓 𝟐

read part 1 here!

pairing: kuroo x reader & bokuto x reader

genre: hurt/comfort

content: the boys call you clingy but they don’t mean it

a/n: hello ahhh it's been awhile since i've posted but i'm trying to get back into the habit of writing again! someone in my inbox had requested me to add bokuto to this list so i tried my best but i hope you all enjoyed this and feel free to stop by my inbox to leave a comment, tell me your thoughts, or just lmk how it's going hehe :,)

kuroo tetsuro

"i'm home," a mumble echoed out into the empty living room.

at the sound of the door opening, you make your way out of your shared bedroom to greet your overworked boyfriend, kuroo.

"hi baby," you replied with a tired smile on your features.

the door closes and kuroo slides off his slacks, loosens his tie, runs his fingers through his hair, and sighs in exhaustion.

"hey."

"have you eaten dinner yet?" you start to ramble. " i can warm up dinner and we could maybe share a meal together?"

"we haven't spent much time together in a while so you know.. i was just thinking... we could do something small together?"

you continue to ramble about how you spent all evening trying a new recipe you saw on tiktok that really fascinated you.

but kuroo is not having it.

all he wants to do is just go to bed and forget the past couple shitty days he's had at work. today, especially, was stressful considering how nothing had gone his way and the higher ups just wouldn’t stop giving him a hard time.

he kept his frustration, tiredness, anger all bottled up for the past couple days and they were all about to boil out.

on top of that, your constant rambling isn't helping. you keep talking and talking and talking and his mind is beginning to get cloudy and his anger is about to boil over.

his voice rises and he finally speaks, "god y/n.. can you just shut the fuck up and stop being all up in my space? you're so fucking clingy just leave me alone."

oh.

you mouth shuts up mid sentence and you're looking down at your feet, too embarrassed to even look him in the eye after hearing his true feelings.

"sorry, i just wanted to spend some time and talk and relax with you..." your voice goes quiet. "you've been out really late for the past couple days so i was just hoping-"

however, kuroo's outburst isn't over yet. if anything, your little comment voicing your concerns seems to have make him a bit more upset.

"yeah, i've been out late because of how suffocating it is here at home with you. god, it's like you just can't take a fucking hint! just leave me the fuck alone!" he says and your eyes go a bit glassy.

"r-right," you say as you're turning around so he doesn't see the tears forming in your eyes. "sorry, i'll respect your wishes and give you your space."

seeing your hunched figure walking away brought him back to his senses.

what the fuck did i just say to them? oh my god.

"y/n wait i'm sorry-" he begins but is cut off.

"kuroo, i think you've said enough tonight."

the sound of his last name coming out of your mouth leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and he knows he's fucked up immensely. the door to the bedroom closes, indicating that you're clocking out for the night and you can't deal with this conversation any bit longer.

kuroo sits himself on the couch with his head in his hands, shaking his head.

what the hell did i just say to them? it's not even their fault... i just... how the hell do i make it up to them?

kuroo walks to the door and places three subtle knocks on the door, begging for permission to enter. he's greeted with no acknowledgement or response.

he turns the knob and to his surprise it opens. there, he sees you fast alseep in your comforter in a fetal-like position. he goes into the closet, changes into his pajamas, and immediately climbs into bed.

he brings you close to his side of the bed, specifically putting your head on his chest. he begins to stroke your hair and places gentle kisses on your head, mumbling soft "i'm sorry's" and "i love you's."

he's praying to whatever deity out there that this would blow over by tomorrow morning or something.

but kuroo wakes up the next morning to his worst nightmare: you're not in bed with him. he feels his blood run cold and he's running the worst case scenarios in his head.

he rushes out of the bedroom to see that you're nowhere in the apartment. he sees a bright colored post-it note stuck on to the fridge with a note scribbled in your handwriting.

"i'm staying at a friend's house for the next couple of days. i just need time to think for a bit. there's some leftovers from last night in the fridge so make sure you eat those.

love u always, y/n"

kuroo's hands shake as he's holding your post-it note.

of course, they'd leave. i treated them like shit and hurt them so badly of course they want to leave. but even after everything, they still love me… i don’t deserve them.

kuroo begins to spiral and the next couple of days aren't any easy for him.

every attempt at texting or calling you has lead to no response. he goes to sleep without you next to him, holding back tears every time. every morning without fail, he pats the vacancy next to him in hopes that you'll be there but to his demise, every time, you're not. work feels even more lethargic than usual. before, he used to look forward to coming home to you but now you're not even at home so what's the point in even trying. counting down the hours until he gets to leave his cubicle has become futile.

i just really want them back. please come back home.

but when he comes home from a pain achingly long day of work, he doesn't find you and his mood plummets even more.

that is until one day, kuroo is able to leave work early where he comes home and hears the familiar noise of the coffee maker brewing. his eyes shoot up from his slacks to look over at the kitchen where he sees you in all your beauty, fidgeting with the knobs on the coffee machine. your eyes both lock and you immediately look away.

kuroo thought you were gone for good. and the fact that you were only a couple feet away from him made his heart swell and his eyes water. there's so much to say but his not a single word is escaping his mouth.

"you want some coffee? i just started a new batch," you finally say to fill up the silence of the room.

he gulps, "sure yeah."

you grab a coffee cup and pour him a fresh cup of coffee and slide it to him across the kitchen counter, avoiding getting too close to him.

too nervous to even touch his drink, he begins to address the elephant in the room, "y/n, i'm so sorry for what i said that night. i had no right to speak to you in the manner."

"it's okay," you say in a curt manner. "i get it."

he shakes his head and tries to get closer to you to convey his feelings but is stopped when he sees you take a step back. his heart cracks.

"no it's not okay sweetheart. i've been so busy with work and i just got super overwhelmed with everything and-"

"kuroo, you know you don't have to make any excuses right?" you interrupt his train of thought.

he's confused now. "excuses? y/n what are you even talking about- "

"just end it with me already... i know you want to," you say, looking down at the fresh cup of coffee in your hands. "you made that very clear."

his world freezes.

the world becomes completely silent.

his mouth is slightly open, caught off guard. he doesn't know what to say.

however, you interpret his silence as him putting down the excuses finally and admitting that he doesn't want to put effort into this relationship with you anymore.

hell, he doesn’t even want this relationship with you anymore.

"right, if you won't i will so it's easier for the both of us. i think we should-"

"don't you dare finish that fucking sentence," he moves close to you all of a sudden and his familiar lingering cheap cologne smell takes up your senses. the gears begin to click in his head before you can respond to him.

kuroo's arms envelop you in his embrace. "i want you. only you. i'm sorry i made you think otherwise."

the tears you've been holding back for the past couple minutes standing in front of him overflow and you feel like the world is about to end.

you push kuroo off you slightly. "i know you've been busy with work and i just wanted to spend some time with you. i never meant to come off as clingy but clearly you thought so so-"

"i'm just a complete douche,” he interrupts. “you were trying to help me out and make me feel better and i was so caught up with work, i couldn't appreciate that."

"i never want to ever make you feel that way again. you never deserved to hear any of that from me and everything i said couldn't be far from the truth. your presence has never been a bother and if anything, coming home to you is the best part of my day.”

“i shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me and i'm so sorry that it did and that i hurt you in the process. i hate that i’m the reason behind your tears and i’ll do everything to make it up to you to show you how much i love you."

the tears from your eyes continue to flow and he delicately wipes every single one from your eyes kissing your cheek every time without fail.

"are you sure you don’t find me suffocating? you said that you hated being home with me though so i just thought-" you start to say.

"i will spend my entire life reassuring you that it isn’t true. i promise you are never suffocating me and your presence never fails to make me feel better on a shitty day. i will do anything to regain your trust and faith in me,” he adamantly speaks with his hands in yours.

hearing his determined resolve, the tears flow even more.

"i love you so much, tetsu."

"i love you too baby," he smiles and delicately kisses your lips. "now let's go out. how do you feel about going out for dinner? i’ve got a lot of making up to you to do."

"i'll never say no to that."

bokuto koutaro

the msby jackals lost 2-0 sets and the entire team was taking the loss hard but no one as hard as bokuto.

"bokuto-san, what do you think went wrong today's game?" an interviewer asks with his notepad out, scribbling notes.

"er, uh, well, today was just a rough day and i had a tough time keeping up with the opponent's plays today... it just was not a good day."

"i have one more question," the interviewer asks.

"go ahead," he gruffs out.

"you are known for your infamous line shots especially during deciding moments of the game. you missed multiple of these shots during today's game. were you distracted during this game? is it because of your new relationship status or were-"

bokuto is now riled up. who the hell does this interviewer think he is to corner me and bring in my personal life???

"i'm leaving, fuck this shit," he spits out, trying his best to maintain his composure.

in frustration, bokuto storms out of the press conference room, slamming the double doors, heading towards the locker room to grab his stuff but is stopped by you, running after him.

"kou! wait up!" you say from a distance and he stops in his tracks to look at you. he's still internally raging from the provocative behavior of that interviewer and he feels like he just might lose it.

"what do you want," he says in an aggressive manner that catches you off guard.

you’re aware of the recent loss of the msby jackals. you know that's probably taking a toll on his confidence as a player so you're trying to be as supportive as you can.

"you wanna come back to my place? i was thinking we could watch that one disney movie you like and we could bake something together too? what do you think?"

"why do you always want to fucking hang out?" he says in the lowest tone of voice you've ever heard from him.

it sends shivers down your spine.

"huh?" you're just confused at this point.

"why are you so fucking clingy all the time? it's always 'kou come over!' or 'kou let's watch a movie!' or 'kou let's take a nap together!' like don't you fucking get that i have a genuine career that i'm working really hard to be successful in?"

so that's what he thinks of me.

"i know you want to be a pro volleyball player and i want to support you the entire way. i was just trying to be there for you and help you relax..." you trail. "i get today was really rough for you.."

"that's the thing you don't get it, y/n!" he says exasperatedly. "if you did want to be supportive for me and my career, then you would stop being so all up on me and give my space!"

he walks into the locker room, slamming the door, shaking you up.

in defeat, you begin to leave the stadium with tears brimming your eyes. as you get in your car, you put your head on the steering wheel and suddenly, the tears start to stream out.

"i'll give him his space. i'll just stop everything. i'm nothing of importance to him or his life so it's best if i just stop." you convince yourself.

bokuto, on the other hand, is in the locker room, holding back tears of frustration as he punched one of the lockers.

fuck, what am i even doing right now...

"bokuto-san! let's head out for the night," shoyo's voice can be heard before he can be seen in the locker room. "we're gonna go get drinks and dinner at that new barbecue place that opened up."

he looks up from the bench and smiles at shoyo along with the rest of his teammates that are nodding along in support.

"yeah, sure. fine with me," kou responds with a small smile on his face.

as bokuto and the rest of the jackals are out and about, he keeps looking at his phone in hopes of getting a message or something from you but you're completely radio silent after the spat between the two of you.

he knows you both had a disagreement but he thought you knew that he was just frustrated and upset with the game. he didn't think it was a reason to just go silent on him.

he sends a text to test the waters.

kou <3: babe, we're good right?

he puts his phone down and engages back in the dinner with the rest of the jackals.

an hour has passed yet still no response. it's starting to make him fidgety so he decides to spam you.

kou <3: hello?

kou <3: baby wya???

kou <3: where is the loml at :((

kou <3: BABYYYYYYY

kou <3: POOKIE PLS TXT ME BACK :(((

y/n is typing...

y/n: sry i was getting ready for bed.

you sounded distant. you clearly were upset but was it still about the argument? c'mon you knew he didn't mean what he said... right?

kou <3: ITS OKAY BABY! can i come over? i wanna spend the night with u :,)

kou <3: i miss you

y/n: maybe not tonight... i think it's best if we're by ourselves for a bit

bokuto's hair significantly drooped down, seeing as how he got rejected to hang out with you for the night.

as bokuto heads over to his apartment for the night, he stares at the bedroom ceiling with his thoughts. he misses laying next to his baby. that's when he starts to replay everything that went down between the two of you.

he genuinely can't figure out what went wrong.

he prays that this whole thing will just blow over by tomorrow because he misses you incredibly and just wants to spend time with you.

unfortunately to his demise, you kept shutting down all of kou's efforts to come over. you refused to pick up his calls, resorting to half assed texts.

this whole argument was festering and bokuto had to fix it immediately.

you, however, want nothing more than to spend time with your boyfriend but his words kept running through your mind on loop. anytime you would be sitting alone with yourself, his words kept playing themselves on loop in your brain, making you overthink the post couple months you’ve spent together.

has he always thought of me as clingy? have i always been a bother to him? have i always been super annoying in his eyes?

that was until you heard a knock on the door.

you open the door and see kou standing there in a hoodie and a pair of khakis with a large bouquet of assorted flowers in his hands. his eyes lock with yours while yours widen in surprise.

"k-kou! what are you doing here?" you say in surprise.

"what, i can't see my partnet now?" he retorts lightheartedly. "let me in."

too stunned to even reject him, your hand inherently finds its way to the knob, widening the door so bokuto can fit through into your apartment.

he tries to hand you the flowers but you stand there, hands refusing to move from their sides. "c'mon babe, i got them for you! do you not like them? man, i knew i should've gotten the roses instead."

"no no! thank you so much kou.. i'm just surprised that you even got this for me..." you trail off looking away from him.

he sets the flowers on the kitchen counter and tilts his head in confusion. "what do you mean, y/n?"

"listen, i know you don't really like spending time with me and that you feel obligated to but honestly, we really don't have to hang out or anything like that," you begin to say. "i know i can be a lot sometimes and i'm really working on trying to give you space."

that's when it all clicks in his head for him.

"baby, is this about what i said that day in the gym?" he questions.

you turn away, refusing to even look him in the eye because you know the moment your eyes lock with his, the tears will start streaming down your face.

"baby, no, please," he goes over to you to give you the warmest yet tightest hug possible. "i’m also a very clingy person so i should've known how much my words must have hurt you. i've been so stupid to not see how badly my words must have impacted you, my love. i'm so so sorry for saying and acting the way i did. it's unexcusable."

"no kou it's fine i just-" you say but are interrupted midsentence.

"no, y/n it's not," he says, tears brimming his eyes ever since coming to terms with how hurt you must've been feeling this entire time. "i'll do anything to get your forgiveness and for us to just... be close again. i'll do anything, i mean it."

tears are streaming down both your faces and you can't help but form a wobbly smile on your lips. "pinky promise?"

"pinky promise," kou says as he locks pinkies with you and kisses the top of your head. "now let's cuddle because i've missed being near the love of my life."

© tetsumie 2024 all rights reserved 

[bjornk1tty]

When I'm Down on My Knees, You're How I Pray

Summary: While in Bjorns room you uncover some of your missing belongings leading to a deeper realization of Bjorn's feelings towards you.

context: smut, masturbation, oral, pain kink?, degradding?, virgin reader?, weirdo Bjorn??, not proofread, not accurate to alien universe at all

a/n: no cause we are pegging bjorn next!!

Walking up the steps of Bjorn and Navarro's trailer, where the group would be spending friday night at, you try and push the door open, the lock preventing it in doing so. You must be the first one here, after an exaggerated sigh you dig through your bag in search of the keys. You push the door in, closing it behind you. It's been a while since you've came by, the group usually spent nights at your trailer as you live alone. Walking further into the trailer, towards the familiar door with the fading sharpie drawn skull, leading into Bjorn's room. It was a mess, a habit he never seemed to ditch.

You didn't want to be in your work clothes for the rest of the night, you settle on stealing Bjorn's clothes as it would fit slightly looser than Navarro's would. Looking around for a second your eyes land on a gray hoodie, one that didn't look too dirty and wasn't totally overpowered by sweat and shitty cologne Bjorn wore. Ripping your uncomfortable shirt off along with the dirty pants, slipping on the hoodie you suddenly felt anew, you would wait until everyone arrived to put on a pair of Bjorns boxers.

You sigh once again looking at the mess around you, quickly picking up dishes and cans of beer carefully dropping them off in the kitchen sink. Running back to pick up dirty clothes and tossing them into the laundry basket in the corner of the room. You plop down on the bed after the many trips to the kitchen. The room slightly cleaner though, not clean enough.

Continuing to tidy up for him, not knowing if he'll even notice. Your eyes land on a contrast of colors, something you couldn't believe you didn't notice before. The white fabric that you lost a couple weeks ago, one that was your favorite, hanging from the dresser. You quickly pull the fabric out, holding it carefully in your hands as if it were an artifact. Why would Bjorn have it. Did you misplace it? You place the fabric down, sitting down at the edge of the bed and get back to cleaning. You could ask bjorn about it later.

Opening the bedside drawer to put in stray items that sat atop. Inside the drawer you see a stack of photos, picking them up deciding to invade his privacy. You smile, the first, a picture forcibly taken by his mother, your arms thrown around his neck and him with an upset expression plaster on his face. The next picture one of you with and Kay. The next is you...sleeping. Not as weird as the last two pictures, though both also of you sleeping, the straps of your tank top you wore seemed to have slipped, exposing your bare chest. The last, a meticulously taken picture of just your breasts. A knot forms in your throat, scooping the pair of panties you figured at this point Bjorn must've stole from you. Why would he take yours though? Was he just horny enough to look at his childhood best friend in this way instead of any other girl? Did Bjorn like you? Was that the reason no guy was ever good enough. All of them only wanting you for your body, but why would anyone 'actually' love you, he would always say. Did Bjorn want you for himself?

In a way, he did have you for himself, you both being practically inseparable since children. No one had ever seen you in such a way that the pictures showed. Your hips shuffle slightly at the thought, the mattress you sat on grazing your core. Putting the picture and fabric to the side you laid back on the bed, breathing in the scent of the hoodie you wore. Your thighs rub together in search of friction. Something that had been denied to you all through your teenage years because of Bjorn's remarks. Your fingers roam down to the black pair of panties you wore. Fingers caressing the tender flesh. Your left hand rubbing your nipples.

Your back arching at the growing frustration. It wouldn't be your first time doing this, though it always just seemed wrong, as if you were sinning. Maybe it was just Bjorn's words that contradicted this action. You gulp, pulling the black fabric to one side letting your fingers connect with the warmth of your growing wetness, a hum escaping your lips at the newfound feeling, the hardened buds on your chest visible through the hoodie which only fueled your desires. Your hips moving along with your hands as your fingers speed up. You were so in your head you forgot the others would be coming soon, the pleasure too overwhelming that in the moment you wouldn't mind if someone saw you like this.

As a patch of wet grows beneath you, upon bedsheets that don't belong to you, your legs tremble, you squeal with delight, immediately rushing to cover your mouth. Your legs instinctively shut not being able to gift yourself the release you deserve. Upon opening your eyes you see Bjorn in the doorway. Your eyes grow wide, quickly sitting up "Bjorn! I didn't- I didn't hear you come in." Your words bring him to walk in the room, his eyes land on your belongings, the one he stole from your room one night, and the pictures he captured in secret. He was embarrassed that you found them. Though the look on your face, the red flush, the teary eyes, ruffled hair, and your hardened nipples, prominent even from under the fabric, he can't look away.

All he had to do was take this moment to make you seem like the bad guy. "The fuck're you im my room for?" "I was cleaning..." "I don't need ya to clean for me what'er you my mum?" He steps closer, seemingly trying to see how he can make this work for him. He wouldn't take long with you he thought, so the others arriving soon wouldn't be an issue. He grabs your right hand forcibly, the two middle fingers wet.

"What's this then? You touchin' yourself in my bed?" as you hesitate to answer he mouth slips around your fingers, a soft gasp escaping your lips. "This what ya want?" he whispers. You choke on any possible words that could come out of your mouth, a shiver running down your back. He smirks noticing your reaction, his lips leave your fingers, a soft pop accompanying it "You like this, don't you? Mmm," he hums appreciatively, "you taste good, princess. Tell me... ya still a virgin?" You look away sheepishly, embarrassed "You give any of these twats a chance with you? Anyone taste you like this?" He ask his breath trailing down your neck as he get closer and closer. You shake your head no. He grins at your response, in a proud manner.

"Tha's a good girl," he murmurs, his lips now at your ear. "Knew you wouldn't let nobody touch you, knew you needed a real man." He smirks, hands sliding down your body, possessive and almost greedy. The knowledge that you've remained untouched, that you will be his and only his, ignites a fire within him. "You want it?" he asks, you nod quickly assuming what he was implying. "Say it," he commands, his voice thick with desire, "tell me you want it." You stay silent not confident enough to admit it. "What if i make you say it, huh?" he questions "Make me?" "Mhm" he hums, pulling your legs with him as he kneels down to the edge of the bed. "I'll start here. Then i won't do anything until you tell me."

You nod. Immediately he dives in, pulling the black fabric to the side once again, his lips instantly connecting with your clit. A gasp escapes your lips as your legs clasp around Bjorn, who forcibly pushes them open again. He speed up, doing anything he can, until your a moaning mess. Your hand tangled in his hair, roughly tugging, trying to keep yourself grounded. You murmur his name. Your eyes roll back as he sticks two fingers in you once he pulls away. He moves up, eyes darkened as he whispers in your ear, "Say it. Tell me what you want luv." "I want you," you breathe, your voice wavering as Bjorn's fingers work inside you. "More specific," he coaxes, wanting to hear your desires spoken aloud, "Don't hold back, luv. Tell me what you want, and I'll give it to you." As his patients wears thin at your lack of communicating a loud slap whipped on your cunt echos through the room, your legs shutting on his hand. Spreading them harshly, seemingly aggravated, he throws your legs over each of his shoulders, pulling the fabric of the hoodie up to your neck, laying slaps on the sensitive, bare flesh of your tits. The pain he's inflicting on you twists into pleasure the combination rushing a new wave of heat through your body until you finally concede "Bjorn please- please just fuck me."

His hand dropped from it's raised position, his satisfied smirk replacing the frown as he quickly pulls off his clothes, leaving him bare. Your breath hitches in seeing him like this, almost as if he were a mythical creature, something so beautifully strange. He leans back over you, stroking himself "Ready?" you nod eagerly, a scoff leaving his throat. His hand raises to rest on your cheek as he chuckles "Such a virgin, so needy." he comments then he aggressively shoves his cock in you, a strained scream leaves your lips as he watches you. "Bjorn...i can't-" his forehead pressed against yours, he shushes you "I'll help you through it" he voice strained, as if trying his best to contain himself and not hurt you.

You nod and from there he moves as slowly, stopping immediately each time you whimper. As soon as you adjust to his size, he immediately goes faster. The slick sound of his dick sliding in you, following each snap of his hips. Moans coming from both of you are silenced immediately as the front door opens, Tyler's voice echoing, calling out if anyone was home. You both stay silent, looking towards the open bedroom door, Bjorn continuing to pound into you. "Fuck, you want 'em to come see you like this? Come see me fucking my best mate. Turns you on don't it, fucking slut. Should let him come in here and shove his cock in your mouth, huh?" he whispers, the sounds of footsteps getting closer. You contain your whimper when bjorn pulls out of you harshly to close and lock the room door untimely to jealous to ever let anyone else, especially Tyler take any pleasure in touching you. He comes back grabbing your hips, slowly sliding in, continuing his rhythm.

"Bjorn, you in there?" Tyler knocks "Yeah, mate, just give me a second, would ya." Bjorn replies, voice sounding unusual. His head fully thrown back his teeth gritted together trying to remain silent "Everything ok? Ya sound-" "I'm fine. I'll be out in a sec, alright?" Your body contorts as soon as tyler's footsteps walk away from the door , your mind going blank. Both quickly approaching your climax. Bjorn's lips smash upon yours as he grunts spilling his fluids into you. Your hand wrap around his bicep as you twitch uncontrollably, your fluids squirting out. After a moment he cleans you up, he redresses and leans over you once again, "We can do that all the time, whenever ya want. All you gotta do is say." you give him an acknowledging look as he steps away. You get up, mind hazy pulling on a pair of Bjorn's boxers over your drenched panties. As you both are about to walk out Bjorn turns to you pointing, "Hey, you're not a virgin anymore!" he chuckles going back his 'friendly' attitude and walks out joining Tyler on the couch.

[kaliforniahigh]

I decided to write a HC about Noah dating a girl with ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)

This is solely based on my experience. Even though I'm not professionally diagnosed, all the evidence and my selective eating points to ARFID.

And I just know he would be the sweetest.

Let's start with the first date. They were always nerve-wracking for you, because he told you he would be picking the place. But what if it had no options for you?

Other dates had gone south because of this. You hearing things along the lines of "why are you such a picky eater?" "you're an adult, you should eat everything!"

It goes without saying you've been out of the dating scene for a while. But something told you that Noah was different. He was very kind and caring, it was difficult for you to picture him being an asshole to you like the other ones.

Once you get to the restaurant, you start to scan the menu, hoping he isn't one of those people who like to order for each other.

Salmon, fish, oyster... as you keep reading, the fear gets worse and worse, because sea food is really NOT your thing.

But then you get to the kids menu and your eyes finally land on the chicken and fries plate.

Noah obviously notices this, and he obviously thinks he fucked up because why the hell would he not ask you if you liked sea food before picking the restaurant??

"You don't like sea food, do you?" He asks with a shy smile.

"It's not that I don't li-" "You can say you don't like it, it's totally fine, I won't be upset or anything" so you tell him that it's actually not your preferred food.

He stands up from his seat and extends his hand for you to take "c'mon, let's go eat something we're both going to enjoy. I'm not gonna let us have a shitty first date"

You're honestly shocked, because he is going out of his way to make sure you enjoy tonight.

The months pass and he notices habits you have. Like pushing aside some things on your plate, or checking your burger to see if everything is ok. And he really wants to ask, but he doesn't know how. And he doesn't want to offend you.

The day he really can't help it is when he invites you backstage to a show he is performing. In the rush that is everything before a concert, he really doesn't notice you don't eat anything from the catering table.

You give him a kiss for good luck and take your place side stage to watch him.

Towards the end of the concert, he notices you're gone. But he just thinks it's a bathroom break or something of the sort.

He thanks the fans, they throw the towels and guitar picks and he heads backstage when someone stops him. "Hey, man. You should check on Y/N, she doesn't seem like she's very well"

He frowns and runs to where you are, noticing that you are, in fact, very pale, your hands are shaking and cold.

"What happened, baby?"

"I just need to eat something, I'll be fine"

"When was the last time you ate? Here, we have food around here, grab a plate" He starts to look around but notices you're not on the same wavelength as he is with this.

So you have no other option but to tell him. The hard time you had as a kid, the never eating from the school cafeteria, or your parents not being able to go to restaurants because you don't eat anything there.

The patronizing looks you got when you told people you don't eat hot dogs. Or soup. Or sushi. Or sea food.

After this, he always makes sure he walks around with a safe snack for you. He calls hotels to make sure they have safe options for you to eat for breakfast. Checks every restaurant menu beforehand. Talks to his tour management about food options for the catering they have.

But he also encourages you to eat different things. So he always buys things he thinks you're going to enjoy. He says it's a win-win situation, because if you don't eat it, then he can have it himself.

I would like to write more on this topic, so if you have suggestions, you can send them!

[beifong-brainrot]

Suyin wasn't "coerced" to commit a crime, neither did she want to take herself out of the situation. She wanted to get her friends out of paying for their crimes because she's spoiled and entitled.

She didn't "have" to travel the world, she was sent to family members to take her away from a criminal and endangering environment, and she decided to escape because she's too much of a pick me girl to stay with the so called family "that didn't show her affection". To be honest, you speak of her as some kind of adult avatar-styled Rapunzel, instead of a teenager who deserved to be reprimanded.

She did turn her life around, and kudos to the creators for showing that. No one can say that her story and background is boring by any chance.

She, however, is not the most likeable character out there to a big part of the fandom, but I seriously doubt someone is taking it as seriously as you seem to do. Just chill.

Istg this happens almost everytime I post something mildly touching on the fact that Suyin deserves compassion too. Though you may be the same anon who blew up my inbox a while back so it might just be you.

I've always found the disdain we have for "troubled teens" upsetting because usually, when a teenager "acts out", there's more of a reason behind it that just "ooh they're spoilt or entitled".

[Trigger warning for self harm and suicidal ideation mentions]

Like, I was a very difficult teen back in the day. I argued with my parents, even got into physical altercations, skipped school, ran away from home at night. I was also going through a severe depression, dealing with a shitton of childhood trauma, cutting on the regular and making multiple attempts on my life. Hell, if my parents had brushed me off as "a kid who needs to be disciplined" I probably would've killed myself at 14. It doesn't excuse me for punching my dad in the stomach when he was just trying to stop me from running away into the night but it doesn't mean I didn't deserve help.

[End of Trigger Warning]

These two things can be correct at the same time. Suyin can have done a shitty thing that deserves reprimand and that she needs help that she seemingly had to find on her own. But like, guess which of these two is almost exclusively focused on.

And I mean, it's totally not like the Avatar fandom has a habit of expressing extreme hate towards young girls (especially young girls of colour) making sub optimal choices or just beind "annoying". I've just never seen that before.

Suyin grew up with Toph, who Lin herself has described like this:

Suyin : No, no. My children are a blessing. Lin: Yeah, mom used to say that too, but she never meant it.

Which btw, still an incredibly hillarious thing to say in front of Suyin's children: "Hi kids I'm your aunt Lin and your mother is lying about loving you"

While Suyin has, as a child, expressed doubt that Toph would even care that she's skipping school. And as an adult, she has described her childhood with Lin as "competing for their mother's affection" and still has doubts whether or not her mother is happy with how either of them turned out.

Hell, even though Su and Toph have been said to have made up, Toph still maintains a heavy layer of distance between them, seemingly dissappearing for years at a time!

It's honestly sad how Suyin hugs Toph and puts up statues of her everywhere in Zaofu and yet Toph still just fucked off to the swamp when Opal was probably less then ten and did not contact them.

I mean, sounds like there's not a lot of motherly affection going on there, dude. Idk what to tell ya. We know there were no fathers around either.

And Lin was also a victim of this environment, so I don't really want this to come off as me blaming her for the way she acted towards Su. But Lin is hardly what I would call affectionate.

So of course Suyin would put so much stock in her relationships outside the house. And her friends happened to be fucking criminals fucking hell. And of course Lin, being a kid too did not know how to approach this situation properly, so she inadvertently just pushed Suyin closer to them by insulting them and making her feel defensive.

Because that's what all fucking teens do. The internalise things, they rely on their peers to form their perception of things and they want to be independent. So when someone, especially someone who isn't a parent tries to control them, guess how they'll react? They dig their heels in. Especially a teen like Suyin who has virtually no reason to listen to her older sister other than a vague "I know better than you" type of vibe which really pisses teens off. That's like the time when talking down to them is the worst thing to do.

And fuck off with saying getting arrested and screamed at by your sister in the middle of the road isn't a stressful situation that you wolud wanna get out of. Lin punched a car so hard it dented! (Especially that Lin has already been confirmed to use her status as a police officer against people she has a vendetta against, like when SHE TRIED TO THROW PEMA IN JAIL FOR STEALING HER MANS like how tf did we brush over that)

What I always find interesting in this scene is the front that Su puts on in front of Lin, which slips up a few times, particularly when Lin can't see her expression. Because Suyin is, of course being a fucking brat and taunting Lin, but you can clearly see that she's stressed out.

Suyin also describing the reason she helped her friends as a getaway driver is something I find interesting:

Suyin: I didn't steal anything. I just drove the car. I owed my friends a favor. It's not a big deal.

Of course she's scared and minimising her involvement but the usage of "owing her friends" could very easily imply her not exactly being too hyped about this, as well as her insistence on not stealing anything.

Because the thing about Suyin is that, especially in the flashbacks, we see her only in Lin's PoV. We don't see her relationship with her friends, what led up to the robbery, anything. Which makes sense, because the flashbacks are supposed to be Lin's. But that means we're viewing Su with the inherent bias of Lin, who clearly has an agenda against Su.

Lin clearly blames Suyin for Toph leaving policework, despite us later seeing how burnt out and cynical Toph was about being a cop. Its more likely that Su's arrest was a wake-up call for Toph, but she left due to the buildup of stress and disillusionment and Lin, who has been idolising her mother and her mother's career blamed it on Suyin in her head.

Hell, even they made up, Lin still immediately pivots to accusing Suyin of being involved in the Red Lotus' attack. Despite the attack placing Suyin's life, the lives of her sons and the lives of her guards at risk and Suyin going out of her way to thwart it.

And Suyin's life is just a fucking mess after this point like: betrayal by close friend, daughter kidnapped by terrorists, anarchy in the kingdom, leaders of 2 foreign governments trying to pressure her into subjugating the people in the name of a monarch she doesn't support, betrayal part 2; child boogaloo, the country she lives in being declared a dictatorship, city under literal siege, threat of attack in 24 hours, the fucking Avatar doing fuck all to help, a desperate attempt at assassinating the leader, getting caught and placed in questionably humane restraints, having to watch her daughter be forced to flee, PUBKIC HUMILIATION, the arrest of her non combative son and husbandd, INHUMANE JAIL CELL...

Do I need to go on? Like the moment the Krew came to her gouse her life just started to fucking fall apart its actually kinda hillarious.

And calling Suyin a "pick me" is just... unfounded? Who's she trying to get picked by? Her mom who doesn't love her? Girlie just wanted a family she literally said so in the show, put your listening ears on, babes.

I understand that Suyin isn't the most likeable character to people. I can understand why they dislike her. She can be annoying, hypocritical, rash, the poor structuring of the episodes around her and Lin makes it so she gets unearned favour from the writers etc. People who like Lin and Kuvira, two extremely popular characters in the fandom have an easy villain in their faves' lives if they just tweak Suyin a bit.

But that doesn't mean I'm obligated to dislike her too or that I'm not allowed to post about her in a way that doesn't allign with the fandom's narrative of her. You're not obligated to read it, hun, you can block the #pro suyin beifong tag if it makes you that upset to see me

I want to appreciate parts of Suyin which aren't highlighted by the fandom and I'm allowed to do that. Just because it doesn't fit with your clearly overtly negative opion of the character well, tough luck. And hey, I gladly take the opportunity to talk about Suyin, but I've also made a ridiculous amount of posts around har and have probably addressed almost every single fandom complaint of her at some point so I'm starting to get a little tired of repeating myself lol.

And I'll be the first to admit, my own teenage years probably heavily affect how compassionate I am towards Suyin, particularly in her younger years. But I know how much people hate "troubled teens", how little compassion thet are given.

The narrative that if a misbehaving teenager just gets deisciplined and reprimanded enough they'll stop being "spoilt and entitled" or acting out is wrong and harmful. It hurts tons of teenagers by not getting them the help they need and it would've fucking killed me.

Also hun, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I tend to use hyperbole a lot. I'm a dramatic bitch. Like did you also think I was serious when I said I'd shoot myself if I saw another ad for Amazon's shit lotr wannabe show?

Tbh everytime I get an ask like this I vaguely consider doubling down and commiting to the bit of being the fandom's "Lin Beifong hater". Though I feel like a lot of people wouldn't realise its a bit and think I actually hate her for real lol.

[goldeneyedgirl]

TwiFicmas23 Day 9: to ground (jasper/archie)

Good evening! An early post tonight because I am fueled by chocolate frogs, the potential for some amateur surgery tonight (doctor approved, it's fine), and the promise that the holiday season is nearly upon us and I'll stop waking up in a terrified haze that I've forgotten to order something that Amazon doesn't stock locally.

It's been a weird day.

Tonight I bring you what at least three people have requested: an Attempt at Jasper/Archie. This was started for Pride and I've continued working on it. This is the first draft, so it'll undergo some polishing and edits before it hits AO3, not to mention a ream of author's notes for context.

This is my first time writing m/m, so I'm oddly fascinated with how this turned out. I think it's okay? I think my biggest issue is characterizing Archie right and making sure I capture what we know about him with what we know about Alice.

I probably need to do more world/lore building for the boys like I have with Jess and Alice, but c'est la vie. I tried and I hope for all the people that wanted this, you enjoy it!

going to ground. The motel is dim and smells damp, some rundown place halfway to Olympia that was never more than half full, used by truckers and seasonal workers on their way to Peninsula and back home again. The bedspreads were shiny, discoloured polyester; the smell of mould and stale air permeating every crevice.

Archie isn’t happy. But it’s easier to be pissed at the state of this motel to distract himself.

Jasper’s stripped to his waist in the bathroom, prolonging the inevitable. Hot water will alleviate the pain for a short time, but he’s damn well pushing it. He’s not even treating the wounds anymore; he’s just hiding.

It’s always been Jasper’s habit to go to ground when he’s injured. In Calgary, in New Hampshire, and now in Forks. He won’t - can’t - even be around the Cullens when he’s that physically vulnerable. Archie always privately wondered if Jasper brought him alone so that someone had his back, or if he knew Archie would follow him to the ends of the Earth no matter what, or maybe so that he knew that Archie was protected.

His boy was wretchedly overprotective.

Which was, frankly, the reason that they were in this mess in the first place.

Scowling, Archie nudged the bed ruffle with his toe and nodded to himself when it crinkled like plastic. This place really was a dump. Normally, Jasper would take them out in the middle of the forest somewhere, carefully chosen for their inability to be tracked. After Calgary, it had taken Archie weeks to convince Jasper to go home, that it was safe. That they were safe, Maria was gone, and the Cullens were their family - they were no danger to them, they weren’t angry or upset with them for what Maria did (though Esme had been nigh hysterical at their sudden disappearance) - and they needed to go back.

New Hampshire had been somewhat easier; it had only taken a week to get Jasper home, and that hadn’t been an emotionally loaded incident, just some territorial nomads.

And now Forks.

Jasper had driven them here, and it was an unexpected that he hadn’t simply insisted on plunging into the Olympic National Park for days on end. But maybe that was more strategy - the woods were the first place the Cullens would look. A shitty motel halfway to Olympia wouldn’t be a place anyone would come looking for them for days - especially with both Bella and Jacob wounded.

Archie scowls again, and decided he’s been patient enough. He’s not one to sulk over big things - he wants the air cleared and everything resolved. But Jasper hates arguing so much that he’ll cloister himself rather than face Archie. It doesn’t matter where, as long as he can hide - in his study, in the garage with Rose, or - apparently - in a motel bathroom only a few steps above a truck stop.

The pain would be excruciating.

He’s been in there long enough.

“Jas.” He knocks on the door, and hears nothing besides the running tap. He waits a beat before he tries the knob - surprisingly, it’s unlocked and Archie wonders if he missed Jasper unlatching it, or if he just assumed it was locked.

Jasper’s slumped against the wall, his eyes pitch-black. There’s something about them that when they’re thirsty; vampires look gaunt and slightly grey-er than usual. A little closer to dead. Probably not noticeable to humans but to him, who looks at Jasper every single day, he looks miserable.

Archie moves closer, crouching down. Jasper’s eyes are tracking him, but he says nothing.

“Show me,” Archie says gently, but Jasper’s eyes have dropped to Archie’s right arm, covered by his sweatshirt.

“Jasper, you need to let me help you.” He can smell the venom - mostly Jasper’s, but there’s a sharp, foreign note that makes Archie worry. The scent is strong enough that the wound is still open, and it’s been hours. “Please.”

“Let me see it,” Jasper says hoarsely; speaking sounds painful. He needs to hunt, on top of everything, and he can’t. Not yet. Not til they take care of this.

“You first,” Archie replies firmly, but Jasper doesn’t move, his eyes fixed on Archie’s arm.

Sighing, Archie shoves the sleeve of his sweatshirt up; there’s an old ace bandage wrapped around it whilst the skin repaired. But after he removes it, the wound is obvious - the angry purpling of the bite has faded, now that it has been cleaned of foreign venom, it’s only slightly darker and will fade completely in a few hours, especially if Archie goes hunting. It’s a shallow wound, will barely scar. Frankly, Jasper’s given him more impressive marks in bed.

But Jasper doesn’t even stop the horror from rolling off him at the sight of it.

“Your turn,” Archie says in a voice that brooks no arguments, trying to squash the irritation down. It’s been a long time since Jasper’s been this… shaken up over anything, and it’s easier to pretend that it’s him being dramatic over Archie’s bite mark right now.

Jasper nods, and gets on his knees to lean forward.

It looks exactly like Archie’s visions showed him. Worse, actually, because this is real life.

The fissure runs down his back, parallel to his spine, from where his neck and shoulder meet, to his waist. The flesh has split like a geode, and Archie can see all the petrified fat and muscle right down to the bone, with an eerie golden sheen over it all. The edges are purple-black from the foreign venom, almost blistered. In contrast, the bite mark on the back of his neck looks benign, even though it should scare him more.

The whole thing makes him feel sick and frankly, Archie doesn’t feel even a tiny bit capable of dealing with this. He would give anything to have Rose or Carlisle here to patch Jasper up, whilst he flirted and made jokes to distract him.

But Jasper wouldn’t trust them. He might respect Carlisle, and love Rose, but when it comes down to the meat of it, he doesn’t trust them like he trusts Archie.

“Don’t be mad,” Jasper says in that same hoarse, flat voice. “Please don’t be mad.”

“I��m not mad,” Archie replies, and it’s not totally a lie. He’s panicking internally, he’s still annoyed and frustrated, but he’s not angry.

Jasper lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a groan and a whine, and that pushes Archie into action - Jasper’s in pain and he’s sitting here navel-gazing.

“Come and lie on the bed, and we’ll clean this up. I promise I won’t make any moves on you,” Archie tugs him to his feet, his lame attempt at a joke falling flat. Jasper limps after him, looking miserable.

The groan Jasper lets out as he lies face-down on the bed is made uglier by the way the wound pulls and shifts as he moves. Archie’s not one with a weak stomach, but knowing that mess is attached to the person he loves most in the world… it’s hard to look at.

He almost understands why Edward’s so fixated on keeping Bella safe. If Jasper were as vulnerable as Bella…

There’s no one else to help them, so it has to be Archie.

The bag from the convenience store is on the nightstand; salt, a bottle of cheap vodka, and a tube of aloe vera. It was a goddamn crude kit; Carlisle would be horrified at the use of vodka. Actually, he’d be horrified by this whole set-up. In a perfect world, they’d be back at the Cullens and Archie would be allowed to do this properly.

But they aren’t and he can’t.

Archie had honestly never asked Jasper how they discovered flammable fluids could purge out foreign venom, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know -the vodka would draw out any venom that stuck to the open wound, since foreign venom gained a nearly honey-like stickiness to it after a short time. The inability to purge it successfully was nearly always what caused scarring. Salt worked to purge the rest of the foreign material out of it, and aloe vera kick-started their cells healing again.

It’s not human blood; human blood would do the heavy lifting if they used that, but both of them know that it’s a slippery slope, and one that is best left alone for many reasons. The least of all is the fragile alliance they’ve formed with the Pack. Archie feels like they wouldn’t take kindly to them stealing blood from the hospital, even for injury treatment, so he didn’t even suggest it.

Carlisle would adore to discuss all of this in great detail - he’s been fixated on vampire healing principles for years. Archie should suggest it to Jasper as a holiday gift for next year. Hell, one page of notes would keep Carlisle and Eleazer occupied for days.

The worst part of treating Jasper, Archie decides as he very quickly douses Jasper’s back in salt and alcohol, is the fact that Jasper stays silent. Protesting the pain, even the smallest noise, is a sign of weakness. The only indication of the agony that he’s in is the tightening of his back and arm muscles.

So Archie talks. Everything spills out, all the inane shit that goes through his head - that he’s still disappointed that Bella didn't want to go to senior prom because the dress he had in mind would have been a showstopper, and no he wasn’t going to use it for her wedding dress because that dress has been drawn and cut for a while now.

He complains about the fight, that the wolves blocked his visions and there were one or two half-visions that looked like they spelt doom but nothing came to pass so now he’s reconsidering the accuracy. Or was the fact the wolves are unknowable affecting the outcome?

He’ll have fun debating that one with Edward at some point.

Archie isn’t sure when he runs out of easy words to say, but it does happen as he watches the foreign venom burn out of the fissure, and the room is silent. The only real communication they have is Archie’s hand rubbing Jasper’s shoulder soothingly; the only form of reassurance that he can offer right now. Too many things need to be said. Even more need to not be said.

So, they sit in silence. When the wounds look clear, Archie carefully helps Jasper lie back on the bed. It’ll take a while for them to heal, and it’s draining - Jasper told him that years ago. He’ll need to hunt immediately after this. Jasper lies back with a sigh, a breath released now that the worst of the pain has been dealt with, and closes his eyes. Archie takes up his spot in the rancid-looking armchair, hugging his knees to his chest, and waits.

Jasper breaks the silence after a couple of hours.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He sounds clearer, better, and it’s a tangible relief. Archie immediately crawls onto the bed, motioning for Jasper to lean forward so he can check his back. The fissure already looks so much better; the bite too has lightened, but both are going to leave a nasty scar.

“You still need to hunt,” Archie informs him, absently pressing a kiss to Jasper’s shoulder blade before settling Jasper back against the pillows.

He’s delicious and it doesn’t matter how many years pass, Archie still gets butterflies looking at him. Shirtless and in worn out jeans really is his very best look. If this were any other moment, just a quick getaway for some privacy…

But it isn’t.

“Talk to me,” Jasper said insistently, his hand reaching up to cup Archie’s cheek. “I know you’re still mad.”

“It was a stupid fucking risk,” Archie says precisely, but without the vehemence he had earlier. “I had everything under control. One bite is not the end of the world.”

“It is to me,” Jasper said simply. “When it’s you.”

Archie closed his eyes to drag up some patience. “Jasper. One bite verses this,” he waved his hand over him. “You were mauled. It was opportunistic and you could have gotten killed.” His voice rises and he has to stop himself, keep his temper. It’s the fear of what could have happened that makes him angry, he knows that. “I have seen you get hurt so many times over the years… so many near misses, so many times you’ve been so close to not coming back, not being there, that the fact you take those risks…”

He closes his eyes for a moment to compose himself, and instinctively lies next to Jasper, curled to rest his head on Jasper’s shoulder. It brings back memories, the scent of Jasper’s skin (the same leather-sun-wood he’s known for decades, but tinged with the venom and alcohol that leaves him uneasy) not quite soothing Archie’s anxiety. He remembers the visions where Jasper was too far gone to fight but he still went into battle. How many times did he nearly lose his head, did he nearly get overrun by enemy soldiers desperate to prove themselves by bringing down the Major of Monterrey?

How many times did Archie watch everything he ever wanted fade away for a second, because Jasper took a stupid fucking risk? And he was certain those days were over so many times - when they met; Ohio in ’49; Calgary is ’76; New Hampshire in ’81, and now Forks. It just never stops; it’s always going to linger, that idea that Jasper is never going to be safe, never going to be protected.

“If you’d been able to see it, would you have stopped me?” Jasper asks softly, one arm wrapping around Archie.

“Duh.” He’s tracing the scars on Jasper’s chest now, scars he knows so well he could draw them with his eyes closed - an absent gesture that calms him. “You never would have noticed.”

“Exactly.” Jasper waits for Archie to acknowledge his point, but he doesn’t look up. “I saw what was happening and I stopped it. The same way you would have for me.”

“But you were…” Archie scrunches his eyes up and turns away. “I would have been okay. One bite is nothing compared to all of this!”

Maybe this will turn into a proper argument. They haven’t had one since Calgary. Maybe they’re due for one.

“Come back,” Jasper says, and he sounds so tired that Archie rolls back over reflexively, but sprawled half-across Jasper’s chest this time, staring up into Jasper’s black eyes.

“I’ve seen arm bites go terribly, terribly wrong,” Jasper said in that low voice that he used just for Archie’s ears; intimate and almost dark. “You’ve seen Peter’s scars; that’s one of the better outcomes from a bad bite. And there is no part of me I wouldn’t sacrifice to make sure you aren’t the one with a mutilated arm - if we managed to save your arm at all. That newborn wasn’t going to just bite you; he was prepared to take his pound of flesh, and I…

“The injuries I’ve seen on the battlefield… Arch, I know what our venom can do to vampire skin. I’ve seen it go half necrotic, I’ve seen it eat through flesh until you just have to amputate at the shoulder. Neither Maria or I ever figured out why that happened to some bites. Only that it did and there was nothing we could do. It might just be a bite, but I couldn’t risk it. I wouldn’t risk anything about you, ever.”

Archie leads out a huff of breath and Jasper chuckles, brushing his hair from his face.

“I’m not gonna lie to you, it got away from me for a moment,” Jasper continued, his hand cupping Archie’s face again. “But I knew you were there and you had my back and that everything was going to be okay as long as you were.”

“You know that it’s the same for me, right? That it’s only going to be okay for me if you are?” Archie’s contemplating kissing him right now, but not if that’s going to interrupt this talk so that they have to finish it later. “I need you to… I need you to be selfish and be safe. Every time I think it’s gonna be okay and we don’t have to worry about dying any more, something changes and I’m tired, Jas. I’m so, so tired.”

Jasper ghosts a kiss over Archie’s cheek, and it’s not enough. “I’m never going to apologise for protecting you, and I’m never going to stop making sure you’re okay,” Jasper murmured, frowning as he shifted on the bed to redistribute their weight. “But I swear I will always come back to you, okay? When it’s our time, we’ll go together.”

Archie nods, and that’s when Jasper surprises him by pulling him flush and kissing him hard. It’s the kind of kiss that is always a precursor for more, especially if Jasper’s hand on his belt is any indication of how the rest of the night is going to go.

And he’s okay with that, as long as Jasper doesn’t mess up his back any worse.

Tomorrow, he’s going to have to check in with their family, reassure them that everything is okay, and drag Jasper home and pretend they just ran off to fuck in the woods and everything is fine. There were no grievous bodily wounds tended to in a rank little highway motel, there were no meltdowns.

But right now, he’s going to take this kiss, and the next one, and just be here and now, with the battle over and won and everyone in one piece. He’s going to get his boy naked and have one of those nights they don’t get to have very often in a family of seven where they don’t have to be quiet or subtle or keep one ear out for potential interruptions.

And he’s going to turn those words over in his mind - “When it’s our time, we’ll go together” - warm and safe, until he can trust and believe that they aren’t just a promise, but their future.

[heartshattering]

/// sleep rambles...

I really need to figure out some kind of 'system' to get myself to sleep, and stick to it. It sucks because I'll have a few nights where I sleep okay, I won't even need my sleep pill or I'll just take less than the full dose and still sleep. But now I'm slipping back into bad sleep habits again and it's just tough. It's not a 'huge' slip because it's only been 2 or 3 nights of this but like :/ I just get so annoyed that I can't stay proud of myself for long without messing up.

A few nights ago what threw me off was that a friend decided our other friend needed an intervention, and the friend who came up with that was acting like she was alone and that other people weren't supporting her while she was upset. So I ended up staying up late with her for the 'intervention' and ultimately I'm glad we did it but also it was really stressful and of course I wasn't going to sleep 'normally' after something like that.

Then there are some nights where I just... don't feel right for whatever reason, idk. I could go into it more but basically my motivation has been low and sometimes things at home just get me upset, I can't sleep well when people around me are pissed off and arguing at each other, and I have things hanging over my head. I can't help but feel negative about myself and it's really hard to keep the 'loud' thoughts under control.

I wish I could see an actual good psychologist but I've had so many terrible experiences already, I feel like another one would set me back by a lot and possibly make me suicidal again. I have to keep doing self-help stuff because I don't trust any so-called 'professionals', but it gets hard. Other than people on Tumblr I don't even have any genuinely close friends who I can talk to anymore ever since my 'best friend' turned so shitty and only cares about her loser bf.

I should be feeling good about life but I just don't. I'm struggling at keeping up with everything I have to do and all the things I want to accomplish... like the thought of doing those things seems so amazing but it's getting up and taking the first step that just feels impossible in my mind.

[timeoverload]

I did not have a good time today. I was hoping it would be easier but I was wrong about that again. The morning team lead was in a shitty mood. He was yelling at me about his frustrations as soon as I got there. I know he was venting but it feels like he is taking out his anger on me when he talks to me that way. He was getting in my face a little bit and I didn't like that. I'm not sure if he was even aware that he was acting unprofessional. That is not a good way to start the morning and he acted like that all day. It stressed everyone out. He also stayed late, which was nice of him to do but he really didn't have to. We were busy but it wasn't so bad that we couldn't manage it without his help. He has a habit of staying late during the week so that he can leave early every Friday. He didn't go home until 4:30 even though he is supposed to leave at 2:30. He was driving me nuts even when he was working on the other side of the room.

I got done with my cases at 12:30 but then I had to spend over an hour peel packing instruments. I was mad about it because I thought the reason that I had to do it was stupid. One of the eye doctors is on vacation for the next 2 weeks and the eye coordinator told me to take all of his instruments out of the cataract pans and peel pack them all. We are going to put them back in there when he gets back so all of that work seems pointless. She thinks it will save us money but I think she's wrong. Having those instruments in the pan doesn't slow me down at all and they don't move as much when they are being reprocessed so there are less chances for them to get damaged. I think they are more likely to get damaged now when there are tons of peel packs crammed into small bins. They are safer in the metal pans. They had to pay me for taking all of them out and repackaging them. The peel packs and instrument protectors are expensive but she didn't seem to care when I explained that to her. I had to run an extra cycle in the autoclave for all of those instruments and our autoclaves use a lot of energy so that isn't cheap. Everyone else thought it was a bad idea too but I had to do it anyway. I think she likes finding me more work to do because she drops stuff a lot and opens shit for dumb reasons so I have to redo it. She will see me drowning in work and she will dump more on me. She has texted and called me outside of work asking me questions about stuff. She doesn't trust me even though I have proven that I can get everything done. It also upset me that she didn't consult with anybody or tell the other eye coordinator about the changes so everyone was confused earlier. She is getting on my nerves and I think she can tell that I'm getting fed up. I'm trying not to show it but it was difficult for me to maintain my composure earlier. I wanted to talk to the director about what was going on but he couldn't make time for me today. Sometimes I feel like I am annoying him now. I haven't gotten to talk to my boss about anything either. I suppose I will just have to put up with it.

I ate breakfast and lunch today. I wanted to go outside at lunch just because I felt like I needed to leave the building to decompress. Unfortunately I don't have enough time to go somewhere else to get food. I was hangry so I didn't go anywhere. I got a salad because nothing else they had looked good. It wasn't enough but it was better than nothing. I was upset because I really just wanted to go get a burrito or something.

I lifted too much today so my body isn't very happy with me. I haven't had any more heart issues so that's good. My rib wasn't bothering me either so I'm glad I don't have to worry about that so much anymore. I am very tired though.

I was hoping I wouldn't have to stay my full shift but I did anyway. I really wanted to leave early today because I know I probably won't be able to tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be busier for me and I'm not looking forward to it. I was thinking about calling in tomorrow because I have 15 hours of PTO available but I don't think I will. I should save it. I am going to have a lot to do. I just don't feel like getting yelled at in the morning but I have to deal with it and try not to let him get to me.

I think I need to try to relax now and stop thinking about work so much. It is sort of hard for me to calm down because I saw a spider in my room when I got home. I don't know where it went. I am sure there are probably more. I don't have a problem with bugs but I hate it when they are in my room. I used to have an extreme phobia of spiders but it isn't as bad now. I am still not happy that I saw one. I'm not going to try to search for it right now because I don't have the energy at the moment. I will be ok as long as I don't wake up to it crawling on me. I am going to do my best to stop thinking about that too. I don't have much else to say. I wish I had more positive things to talk about. I really hope I sleep better tonight.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. Thanks for listening to me. :) 💖💖💖

[pics-and-fanfics]

I'm sorry. I had a bad day and took offense to something you said. I didn't mean to actually hurt you, I just wanted to take out my anger on you and I guess make you feel angry too? That's why i sent that ask.

I'm 16 and I'm just having a really hard time in school and I'm scared of senior year and I was hurt really bad recently. I hope you can forgive me and forget about what I said. I'm just some dumb teenager who forgets how powerful words are I guess. I'm so sorry girl or nb or w/e you prefer. I hope you feel better by now, life is amazing and I hope you surround yourself with people who make you happy. Please go over this with your therapist.

I'm really sorry. I'll be more thoughtful next time i send people ask. I'll try and be a better person

Understandable, everyone has bad days, but maybe a better way to let out that anger would be to write it down and then rip it up or destroy it? Idk, I just isolate myself and hug my stuffed animals until I feel better tbh.

And yeah, I did get upset, but I wasn’t mad, I was just a little taken aback, maybe hurt? I get that school is hard, I’m still in high school too (it fucking sucks ass, I feel you there) and I’m terrified about the future. But I’ve got my friends and family and an awesome support system, in person and online, maybe find people that can be that for you, and vise versa?

Don’t call yourself dumb, that leads down a very dark hole that’s hard to climb out of and it forms into a very very bad habit, trust me. I’m working on that myself, but like everything, esp bad habits, it takes time and effort to fix. I still say stuff like “I’m so dumb” a bit too often, but I’m working on saying “no I’m not, I’m smart, I’m just having trouble” afterwards.

And yeah, words hurt. I’ve learned that the hard way, driving away people that I didn’t learn to appreciate until later, but I can’t apologize bc I have no idea where or even who they are now. Friends, strangers, even my niece (I’m working on not doing that with her tho, I love the little kid, she’s so awesome and smart and kind, at least when she doesn’t have her moms shitty attitude).

And I can forgive, but I will not forget. Kinda like the quote “The lumberjack forgets the pain he causes, but the tree always remembers.” I’m working on that too, trying to forgive others. I’m working on a lot about myself lately, I’m just realizing. I still hold grudges, esp against the person who sent the ask last year telling me to kill myself, but I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven them. I don’t know if I have or haven’t forgiven an old friend after what she pulled at my birthday 2 years ago, and I don’t know if I can. There are some things that can’t be forgiven, but this is so small, but it hurts so much still.

I forgive you, and I hope you have some better days coming, honestly.

If you want, you can keep sending asks when you have a bad day? They can stay anonymous, and I can try to help, if that’s okay with you. I can be part of your support system, if you want.

I’m working on a lot of things, and I hope maybe this can help you start working a little to be happier, less full of anger all the time?

But please, be kind to yourself, and if you can’t always be kind to others, then try to find a way to avoid them or ignore them. (I don’t know if I can do that with the boys in my math class tho, they are so loud and I got basically punched in the arm by one of them today, it hurt)

I love you, anon. Please be kind to yourself, and I’m here if you need to talk again. ❤️

You are enough. I love you.

(Also sorry I took forever to respond to your ask, but I saw this right before class, and then school basically drained all of my energy 😭 and then I had a shit load of homework I had to do, at least I get out for break tmrw thank god)

[dropthedemiurge]

Kawi's Problem: Caring Selfishness

I decided it deserves a separate post xD (previous thoughts here) After Pisaeng suddenly and aggressively kisses him, Kawi has to deal with the impression that he did something wrong and messed the timeline. He's still under impression that Pisaeng and Pear were in love and in no way Pisaeng should be kissing Kawi, he messed up. Kawi is only focused on his actions and the 'you fix things by time-travelling' attitude.

He doesn't see that the problem lies somewhere else, he and his low self-esteem never believe Pisaeng was sincere flirting with him. All Pisaeng's flirting ends with a joke, a deflection, the teasing that sometimes is so overboard it makes Kawi upset (Pisaeng is just testing the waters and trying not to push too much but they both can't understand how to communicate with each other properly yet).

(Ouch, Pisaeng, you've got something to learn as well…)

And it's also heartbreaking how Kawi is improving bit by bit and he's more outgoing and brave now – yet he relapses in old habits so fast. Still hiding from problems under the blanket. Eating in bathroom if you're an outcast – something I saw portrayed often and very telling either in Asian stories or stories about a lonely depressed/bullied kid. Even 30yo returning to the past setting doesn't think he deserves eating with friends or thinks bathroom is more comfortable to him than the cafeteria. Someone take care of Kawi pls.

I think I'm fascinated how Kawi is both caring and empathetic, yet so self-centered. He regretted not standing up for a random girl for twelve years but he doesn't notice how his words can hurt his friends. But, I guess, he was alone all his life, he just never learnt about how his actions and words affect other people. He fell out of his friendship with Max and didn't dare to fix it until travelling in the past.

And boy, the character development would be very slow! I'm glad that the show doesn't magically fix the flawed character but makes Kawi painfully try to do good things and keep failing to learn. But we'll get there. We'll get there.

I was frustrated too when Kawi decided to mend his friendship – yet he never said that he misses Max. He never said he needs him or wants to be friends again because he regretted their fallout for a long time. He only pushes for 'I have so many problems and I can only talk to you', and Max isn't really having it but he's not about to make a scene at his job so he gives Kawi a chance. I think we'll see in the future scenes that it won't truly go well even if Kawi comes again later (no, Kawi needs to change his attitude and pay more attention to other person first)

Kawi makes a To-do list of things to change in the past and checks out 'mend friendship with Max' and 'make Pisaeng stay away from me'. He succeeded with those tasks. But did he really? Max probably is still upset with Kawi and doesn't feel like Kawi cares much about him, even if he apologized. And Pisaeng is mad at Kawi, even though Kawi did everything to fix things! He tried to get him friends. He payed the money he owed to Pisaeng. He said they can still be friends, there just should be a distance.

Yet everything is still shitty. Kawi cares, and worries, and he tries to make everything better – and he sucks because he's still self-focused.

Kawi doesn't want Pear to be hurt and left alone (he saw her heartbreaking photo with one ring and all the pitying/cursing comments) – he does his best to fix what went wrong, he is distancing himself from Pisaeng harshly so Pisaeng wouldn't gain feelings for Kawi (haha too late) and ruin their wedding. But Pisaeng never had feelings for Pear and he always wanted to be together with Kawi. Kawi still doesn't realize that.

Kawi doesn't want Pisaeng to get hurt and be lonely (Pear straightforwardly told him Pisaeng almost has no one and he's alone) – so he goes and arranges meeting of Pisaeng, Not and friends and actively tries to mend their relationship (he's a failure in his own friendship but he's trying to help Pisaeng as much as he can) so Pisaeng wouldn't be alone if Kawi keeps his distance. But he didn't ask Pisaeng's opinion and is clueless that Pisaeng doesn't want to be friends with Not at all. Again, he wants to be with Kawi instead, but Kawi hurts him by being honest. By saying that they can be friends but not too close: he actively tries to save Pisaeng from falling in love with him. Yet he can't express himself, his words are hurtful and out of nowhere to Pisaeng who didn't do much to Kawi yet, who didn't scare and confuse him yet.

Again, Kawi is in the beginning of his journey – he doesn't realize a lot of things, he doesn't realize how socializing and people work. He got shocked by aggressive forced kiss, he both enjoys Pisaeng's company and feels uncomfortable and unsafe. He thinks it's wrong and something he has to fix, yet he focused on completely wrong things. He has his to-do list, his standards and imaginary rules and he tries to fit himself and others in boxes, not realizing he's hurting himself and others in the process.

Kawi cares but hurts Pisaeng because he is just treating him like a task that he must do. He doesn't stop and think about carefully about other people. He doesn't pay enough attention to see that it's not what others want or need from him. 

And Pisaeng is in the beginning too – he's been experiencing one disappointment after another, with Kawi, with Pear, with Not, and he feels lonely and frustrated, and he only felt comfortable and happy with Kawi – who suddenly hurts him out of nowhere (he didn't have the burden of 12 years but Kawi carries it and pushes it onto him in his own way). He even said he didn't like Pisaeng teasing him – so Pisaeng hurt him too. It all makes him rethink and doubt their entire relationship. Which is a nail in the coffin, pretty much a mirror to the drunk, sad and lonely Pisaeng from the future.

It's all so complicated, and the change, the process of growing up and learning for both of them is slow and filled with mistakes but I love it. The characters are flawed, you don't get everything figured out magically by just changing one thing from the past. You actually have to think carefully and change yourself first before you change the past, Kawi! Listen to your heart and get what you need, not what you want. You'll get there.

[yrndrgn]

Brain zaps be zapping again

I'm going through this headache again, and I'm so upset about it. I'm not even going through a decrease- I increased goddamnit. I thought they only happened if you decreased. Now I have the metal balls jangling in my head if I so much as move my eyes wrong. Even my tinnitus has taken on a tinny sound. I hate these things so much. Life feels like it's on pause once they start up. I only get them closer to the evenings, so it's not too bad. But, like, some times they start at 5:00PM and mess up my whole evening. I'm in law school damnit- I've got shit to do.

I've also had some scary bad ones recently.

About three weeks ago, I was having a really shitty time. I got dumped, I was plagued by some unknown upper respiratory infection (not COVID), and- key point here- I had vomited a little after taking my meds. The only medication in the puke was the Mucinex I had taken earlier, but my other meds were also probably disrupted because of it. Due to- just- the emotional devastation that I felt and in generally feeling utterly like shit all the time, I hadn't been able to sleep for about 48 hours.

Not great for a sick person.

It was getting late. My dad had gone off to bed. I go up to brush my teeth because they were feeling shitty because, well, depression. My head had been buzzing for maybe an hour- the occasional long series of zaps, but also just buzzing pain in general. Enough to note, but not enough to really to make myself do anything about. I'm on the stairs when something feels off the first time. A lot of zaps go off at once and make my head feel a little dizzy.

Worrying.

I make my way to the bathroom and start brushing my teeth. That's when things got really bad.

I'm one of those people who shakes their head as I brush my teeth. I move in rhythm with the brush. Maybe the motion caused it because suddenly a whole bunch of zaps go off all at once. Just simultaneously blasting away at my brain. My body goes stiff I feel like I'm about to fall over and out of control of my body. The worst part was my vision. The world just started kinda melting. Y'know how sometimes a bunch of window screen will pop up in this specific diagonal overlap? It was like that but also a little liquidy. There was this sound as it happened- like when one dribbles basketballs really low and quickly to the ground but more metal. I remember feeling so stiff.

My body doesn't respond to my commands for a second, but somehow I pushed my will through enough for me to stop myself from falling. I panic finish because what the fuck just happened? I'm heartbroken, depressed, exhausted, sick, and now terrified because I lost control of my body for a second. I leave the bathroom and proceed to have another one. There's basketballs. My head hurts. My limbs stiffen.

The world melts.

I cling to some shelves. I gain back control. I'm scared. Do I move? Do I stay? I'm so tired. I need to go back downstairs. I need my meds. I want my dad.

My dad went to bed- that means he's in the room right next to me.

This is purely a matter of happenstance. Due to some shenanigans involving the AC units at home, my dad started sleeping in my sister's room since she had already left for her own place, and her room conjoins my childhood bedroom through the bathroom. I went to my childhood bedroom by habit despite not sleeping there because my AC unit was among the broken ones because, when you're feeble, sickly, prissy prissy prince(ss) like me, you need to be able to cool the room a little while on a tropical island. I was standing in my room at the time, maybe I could drag myself just far enough to get my dad.

I move slowly. I keep one hand webbed in the shelve's grids as I travel, then pressed against the wall once there are no more shelves.

I'm in the doorway when a third one hits. Maybe because it's happened twice now, but it's not quite as bad. But the world still melts for a bit.

I cling my to my sister's bedroom door and knock. I call out for my dad and quietly open the door.

He's tired and confused and worried.

"There's something wrong with me. I don't think it's safe for me to go down the stairs alone. Can you help me?"

I feel like a little kid all over again.

Instead of doing what my routine-oriented brain thinks of which is guiding me downstairs then back to the actual room I sleep in, he slips me into what was his bed. He rubs my back and strokes my hair then goes to get my meds. My Ate comes to check because she heard something happened and know that I'm still really sick. She brings me an extra blanket and some water.

My dad returns with my meds and my phone. He tells me to text him or my Ate if I need anything and to get some rest.

I take all my meds plus a Tylenol PM and finally sleep for the first time in over 48 hours.

I haven't had brain zaps as bad as that day since.

But every time they start back up, I worry if it'll happen again, and if this time I really do lose control. My dad isn't here to help me again. I don't know if there's anyone who could help me if they happen again.

[treestomeetyou]

I have a very similar experience. I obviously get wanting to look at the positives, but I also think it's important to understand the full picture. A lot of the talk I've seen online surrounding autism has made me realize that people don't really know just how shitty it can be sometimes.

Autistic people aren't just "a little quirky". In fact, some of the most talked about symptoms were the least of my concerns growing up. My emotional maturity has always been...not great. I struggled with anger and I had outbursts so bad that I would sometimes end up getting in fights or breaking things. And I had these all the way up until I was in high school. I thankfully had therapy and it's not as bad as it used to be, but my issues will never be completely gone. I've also had sleep problems my whole life and I don't really have the ability to be in certain high stress situations. That takes a lot of things off the table that I otherwise would have loved to do. I also can sometimes shut down when I get overwhelmed which is similar to a depressive episode (something I also have and experience) and depression is often a symptom autistic people experience but for me it was a seperate diagnosis. There are also people who have it worse and may never be able to live on their own, and who have problems that are even more serious and it feels like we're just...not allowed to talk about that. I have been called ableist more times than I can count by people who didn't realize I was autistic, just for trying to talk about these things, or for saying that I wouldn't wish this on anyone else.

A lot of people seem to think it's a fun thing to have and that's just not the case. It sucks. I wish people would understand that there's a difference between hating myself for being autistic (which I don't, I'm actually very upfront about it) and wishing that I didn't have certain symptoms. I'm not "masking" because I don't want to get angry and yell at my friends and family every two seconds! I did everything I could to get past that because it was the right thing to do for the sake of the other people in my life. I was bullied in school as a kid (mostly for the anger stuff) but as an adult I have experienced more shaming from within the autistic community than I have from outside of it. I should be able to talk about both the positive and the negative side of autism. There's normalization, and then there's presenting an idealized fantasy version of autism that rarely ever actually exists. (I also wish people would do actual research instead of just...basing their views of autism on a tik tok they saw somewhere, but that's a whooooole other conversation lmao)

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to get so long. I'm just very passionate about this. I hope you have a good day. ✨️

never apologize for making it so long it’s nice to hear from other people. i feel like autism on tiktok is just some kind of new age manic pixie dream girl. like she’s quirky and she has funny little habits but it’s “breaks the fantasy” when she has issues that can make her unpleasant to be around.

i always joke that i don’t drink a lot because i’m kind of a bitch when i drink, but it’s just sensory overload that makes me a deeply unpleasant person. i don’t want to be like that, i put in a lot of work to not be like that. but that work takes a lot out of me and i resent that. i agree with you that i wouldn’t change myself, i’m autistic and that’s an unchangeable part of me. but it’s so hard to make people understand that it’s a still a disability. that there are things i can’t do. i will require certain supports my whole life. the toxic positivity around autism (and neurodivergent people in general) online gets on my nerves. i can love myself and find positives in myself while still being upset about how i struggle

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, so uh no TW's here (i think), but just some general advice. although it's not related to trauma, the advice i've gotten from the mods here is great, so i'm hoping that's okay! but just in case; tl;dr i need some advice on an online friend situation. so over the past 2 years ish, i used to be on discord for a game i used to play at one point. i used to to talk with a lot of people there & made some good friends, but it's been a long time now and a lot of people have moved on with their lives and i'm not in touch with too many. however i've kept contact with one friend and we talked a lot over the last year. i've talked with him about all my irl issues and he knows about my traumas. we even call each other best friends. but here's the thing, i prefer to have a divide over my online and real life. in some sense, it gives me peace and keeps me sane because i have a history of feeling shitty using social media sometimes. although he has been on me on video call, i never show my face because i don't feel comfy doing it. and thing is, the guys not really mad. he's been upset over it sometimes, but he respects it. i've also not given out my personal number. however, due to real life situations, i have decided to completely get rid of social media and have been off it for a while now, like instagram & discord so on. my friend has my gmail, so they can contact me through that, but i barely get a chance to reply. i've not been in the best place mentally, and i have a habit of taking very long periods to reply. this morning i checked my email for some uni work and saw the emails voicing his concern. they talked about how i disappear and leave nothing for them to contact me, they don't know how i look like and they still call me my best friend. it wasn't a rude gmail, it was genuinely full of concern but he sounded disappointed. although it's my fault for not letting them know about my situation, i still feel very guilty about it and i'm having a hard time writing back to them. we last talked over a month ago on gmail. and i know it's not good at all, but i haven't had the energy to respond to them. my therapist has suggested that i remove my online persona altogether because she does not see me doing well with being online, but wants me to not hurt anyone else in the process. and i honestly want to do it, because social media is draining for me, and i do not want to talk to anybody online except those i have real life connections with. but i really do feel bad abt the fact that i might have cut them off too, although i feel like not being online at all really might do my mental health well, but i'm not sure how to convey this to them. the fact that i want nothing to do with them anymore or any online friend just for my own sake feels very selfish and wrong, especially because they're nowhere at fault, and they really look up to me and respect me, but somehow, i feel like online friends remain online friends and i cannot let my guard down to go beyond that, although they've expressed wanting to be in real life friends before. i don't have the heart to tell them that they're merely an online friend to me. i seriously don't want to be on social media anymore, but i don't want to hurt them either. i'd really appreciate some advice on how i can go about this. sorry its so long!! hope y'all have a good day.

Hi anon, 

Thank you for the kind words about previous advice and it’s absolutely alright to reach out about interpersonal relationship dynamics - hopefully any of the below might prove helpful, or at the very least, validating.

You shared that you have a firm boundary about online versus real life, and you’re certainly not alone in that regard - who is allowed access to us in any and all ways - is only something you get to decide for yourself.  Regardless if that boundary might shift as you further progress on your healing journey, or not, currently you sound sure of what you need and have taken the steps to advocate for those needs (yay!).  

Though it’s equally valid for him to share his concern for you and politely request alternative ways to stay in contact to nurture the friendship, the way I’m reading your ask is that you feel the relationship has reached its course?  I don’t think it’s talked about often enough, but friendships changing, shifting, or even ending, is just as significant as the romantic counterparts, and in my opinion, it’s understandable that the complexities of trying to navigate that ending feel no less draining than trying to maneuver through a romantic break up.

And though I think you are being kind and empathetic by trying to find the best way to honor your needs, while avoiding hurting his feelings, sometimes - unfortunately - it cannot be avoided.  I believe your responsibility is to you stating your boundaries, and honoring his personhood by being kind in your goodbye message, but in regards to whatever his feelings might be in response?  Those are for him to process and manage. 

Without knowing either of you, I certainly cannot state definitely how you, or him might feel about it, or what happens next - but I’d encourage a goodbye message just to help with the sense of closure for you both.  I’d imagine there’s a way to offer appreciation for what the friendship was during a specific time of your life, and affirmations and assurances that it’s nothing personal, but that this is what you need for yourself at this time.  Hopefully hearing it’s not them, but something you need for your own mental health, will allow them to accept your boundary with grace, and compassion.  However even if they do not, it would not mean that your boundary was not valid.  And you have options when it comes to level of access with this person - gray rock, blocking, etc.  

Regardless of what you decide moving forward, I wish you well.

Mod Kat

[conradism]

name.  steph

pronouns.  she/her

preference of communication.  tumblr ims/messages, discord eventually. 

most active muse.  I only have Conrad for now. Sometimes I think that I'll add but I probably will just make a new blog if I do.

experience / how many years.  Let's act like it was a normal amount but it might've been since I was 18 on Tumblr. Over 10 years at this point. 

platforms you use.  Tumblr almost exclusively. I'll act like I'm going to Discord RP and then I don't, I wish I could be better but I simply cannot.

best experience.  Met my bestie @kierras on here and when she's in my wedding we are not explaining how we really met. It was just "online idk". But idk this place always keeps me coming back so clearly it's not as bad as I say it is when I'm trying to use Beta editor.

rp pet peeves.  Unschockingly I get so frustrated when people hide behind a computer screen to just be a dick. And no, I'm not talking about in-character. I love dick characters. It's when you're sending shitty anons or just talking down to people like we aren't all just on here to like get away from stuff-- I just get so annoyed. If you don't like what someone's doing just like-- don't watch or interact, if it's not hurting anyone, just don't look.  

fluff, angst, or smut. I'm an angst girlie, through and through. I will literally write angst until I die. Fluff is cool but I like to build up to it. I tend to angst until we get to the point that fluff feels like a reward LMAO. I don't smut -- unless it's like someone I've known for a long time and even then, it's not something I seek out.

plots or memes.  I'm somewhere in between. I like to just kinda go where things take us-- I rarely will plot out a whole thread. It might just be like I'm going to put my char here and by the end they need to kiss. And then we just YOLO. And my fave is when the kiss just didn't even happen because we went rogue. LOL. Memes stress me out sometimes especially with canon chars because I feel like people judge more on them but anyways just ignore my memes, thanks.

long or short replies.  if long is 3 paragraphs that's my sweet spot. I'm a one paragraph or three girlie-- rarely 2. @kierras and I have a bad habit of giant ramble threads.

best time to write. Morning before everyone is awake and messaging me. So like 5am-7am. Yes, I know that's weird.

are you like your muses.  Conrad is how I sometimes view myself like internally because we both hold a lot in and don't really talk about what's bothering us until we're really upset. But really I'm just a loud and extroverted person who Conrad would be like uhhh about. Heck, I'm more like Belly than Conrad.

tagged by.  @kierras  tagging. @jaymaybnk @everhearts and honestly whoever wants to do it !!

[purplesurveys]

1920

When’s the last time you ate bread? I had a Big Mac last night.

What’s the last movie you watched on your own? I don't really do that anymore; I always ask at least one other person to watch with me – usually my sister.

What about the last movie you watched with another person? Ready or Not, with my sister and cousins.

How many coats do you own? Zero. I don't need them + haven't been to a country cold enough to need coats.

What about shoes? I probably have around ten pairs. I say 'probably' because I'm never sure about this and because I only wear the same two, haha.

One word to describe your most recent ex? Narcissistic.

Where, in your current country, would you like to live, other than where you do now? I had a dream a few nights ago that I retired in Bulacan and lived a quiet rest of my life there, with my own tiny home and a garden. I felt oddly at peace when I was dreaming that...I don't know if that's my brain trying to tell me something or if it's just meant to be a random dream. That said, it would be nice, but maybe in another universe.

Do you like snow? I think I would. I've never seen or touched it before.

Do you like sheer clothing? Not a fan.

Have you ever seen anyone famous in the street? I was at the mall the same time as Greyson Chance - that's the most random encounter I've had. Every other celebrity I've crossed paths with was expected since they've all been for work. Just this evening I was part of a courtesy call for one of our Olympian athletes.

Are you hungry right now? Continued from Thursday. I'm actually not, even though it's 3 AM. I had a very heavy dinner that I'm still feeling, lol.

Are you regularly tired? Yeah, pretty much. I have a bad habit of sleeping late even though I constantly need to wake up early for work.

What was the last thing to upset you? Just work stuff as usual...with Trina resigning for good and having no immediate replacement, I no longer have a work superior per se and all the tasks that she would normally have to approve and decide on have fallen on me, even though that crap is way out of my job description. It's all just very overwhelming and I wish people would stop looking to me for solutions because I do not fucking have them.

How’s the weather been today? It rained really hard this morning, then was humid the rest of the day. 

What was the first tattoo you got or what would be the first tattoo you’ll get? Pawprints of all my pets.

What was the last store you went into and did you buy anything? I rarely go into stores because truth be told all I ever spend on are food and my subscriptions haha. If I had to guess, probably a Miniso? Didn't buy anything though.

Have you ever been late for school or work? Last Thursday I set a new record for being irresponsibly late - woke up at 9:56 AM. I still feel gross about it and probably always will. It's a miracle no one had been looking for me.

What is your favorite kind of fruit cobbler? No thanks!

Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? We do not.

Have you driven a car today? I haven't in two weeks, no :( We're having my car done for a major maintenance thing so I had to let go for it a while. For the most part I've been able to manage but the shitty aftereffect is how much it's been draining my wallet because I've had to Grab everywhere lol.

Do you have a small, medium or large bedroom? I would say it's small, but it does a good job feeling medium since I have a loft bed and I have space everywhere below.

Where was your first job and how old were you? PR associate, I was 22.

Have you eaten soup this week? Nope.

Are you a fan of The Office? Not so much. I started with Season 1 and I didn't hate it, but I also couldn't hold my interest long enough to watch the rest of the eps.

When was the last time you started a new medication? Was never on anything I've had to take regularly.

What is your favorite type of nut? Almond.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a middle name? No.

Have you put your phone on silent today? Yes. I cannot stand the stupid Viber notification sound (aka the national messaging platform of PH corporate).

Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? Not at all. I can't even name all 50 states and always forget anywhere between like 8-15.

Do you read John Green novels? I've read a few but I don't follow his works.

Have you ever been to Universal Studios? Yes, the one in Singapore.

Can you tie balloons? Nope.

When was the last time you were at a pet store? I don't enter pet stores.

[imonlyusingthisforrp]

Let's talk about the ultra hurtful words from the tween and why it's particularly terrible.

Around 6ish weeks ago, spouse set up with her "adopted brother" to do 30 days sober. They thought I hadn't noticed that they were drinking A LOT. I had noticed. I had also noticed some other stuff that they thought they were hiding well. They were not. They had done some (illegal) drugs. They were suicidal. Their mental health was fucked.

Two weeks ago, I had a day of puking. Kiddo helped me out a bunch. He did some running around for me, got me ice water (iced drinks help settle the stomach), let me use his heated blanket (I was feverish as all hell), and doted on me. That was on Wednesday.

Friday, kiddo came to me and told me he'd been talking to the school counselor, and had been talking to her about his suicidal ideation being REALLY bad. He had a plan, you guys. He said "I think I may need to go inpatient". That night, he did. We don't fuck around with that kind of stuff if we can help it. Especially not with the (almost) 12 year old. He was checked in for six days, until they got him on medication, and stable. While there, he got diagnosed with ADHD (imagine... the thing we pointed out from the time he was 3), and as possibly having Autism (AGAIN. WE HAVE BEEN POINTING THIS OUT SINCE HE WAS THREE). He's on an anxiety med, an anti-depressant, and ritalin.

While he was gone, I was in massive pain, couldn't get it to stop, and was dosing myself like crazy with anything that would help. It finally started to get better the day he got home.

So, Spouse is having mental issues. Kiddo is having mental issues. My GF is having mental issues. I AM HAVING MENTAL ISSUES, but SOMEONE has to be stable enough to deal with things. So I put my mental shit on the back burner, and clench my fists, and go on.

The 27th, Kiddo and I had a bit of a tiff (it was about food. Food is a big thing in our house, and I didn't handle it the best, but I CANNOT understand how a kid can eat breakfast and lunch at school and then eat a full meal for a "snack" on getting home and a half hour later stand up like "I'm HUNGRY" and start to go into the kitchen to *make another meal*). When I was upset (a touch unreasonable, but I had points I was making. Not WELL, but I wasn't being a psycho about things or anything), kiddo's response to me was "Are you even taking your meds?" I said yes, and he said "You're acting like a DICK". We talked it out, I pointed out that his eating habits are ridiculous, that it's rude to ask people if they're taking their meds when they have an emotion, and that I love him so much I would kill for him. He went to bed, and Spouse went to work, and the night went on. Then, I was talking to GF, told her about how bad things had been with my pain and unintentionally triggered her by saying at the worst of the pain, I had thought about throwing myself down the stairs to at least have a REASON to feel like such shit. She's been dealing with mental stuff, and it's been exceptionally bad (worse than she had been telling me about, even, and I KNEW it was bad, but not THAT bad). She told me she had to go do something else, because she was triggered, and I started crying. Crying and sending messages to Spouse, who did their best to try to calm me down. I pointed out that my own mental health had to be on the back burner. I said I couldn't talk to anyone about any of it because of how shitty everyone else has been doing. I cried and cried and cried. For three hours.

The next day, I was having worse pain, I hadn't slept, and I was still not super happy the kid had asked me if I was off my meds for having an emotion. He got mad at me and Spouse because we said he couldn't go for a walk down a busy-ass street in town (one of the main ones, in a COLLEGE TOWN, and this kid looks *at least* 16 (and is AFAB, with hips and boobs, so the risk is REAL)) and he was being dramatic and throwing out "I WON'T EVER GET TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN THEN!" and the like. I said something to the effect of "We are the adults. We choose what you get to do. You're not walking down (the road name) because it is dangerous. I don't care what you say or how much you complain, that's the choice we, as your parents, are making, and that's final." Because he was angry, he sneered "Says the person who had a fucking MENTAL BREAKDOWN last night".

Y'all. Y'ALL. Normally when he does that shit, I get angry. Instead, I was so offended and hurt, I got up and went upstairs, stopping on the stairs to tell him he was going to apologize to me at some point, and I wasn't going to accept after that. Because he was upset, so he said something JUST TO HURT ME. He said a bunch more, and I went upstairs and called mom, sobbing hysterically. She was at work. She told her boss there was an emergency with her family and they sent her home. So now my Mom left work early because of it, I was in hysterics, and Spouse was so angry they were saying things to the kiddo like "How DARE you say something like that! Why would you say such HURTFUL things? Aunt Kelly told you about that BEING VULNERABLE and you just threw it back in her face! You have NO respect for people, and I am SICK OF IT."

It literally took my mom speaking to kiddo on the phone (I went back downstairs to give him the phone, and he was being JUST as shitty at her at first, until I pointed out he better check himself before he got himself in REAL trouble. "You don't yell at Mam, or you're gonna find out what I act like when I'm really goddamn angry" was said, because I can deal MOSTLY with being disrespected, but you don't disrespect my MOTHER. Absolutely not), and me saying "She's at work, we need to get off the phone, and taking the phone back and SOBBING because she said she'd left work and I felt like utter fucking shit for being the reason she had to leave early. It took Spouse doing all the talking while I snuffled and sobbed and tried to calm the hell down. It took me pointing out how fucking cruel he was to have said that stuff and how bad my mental health *actually is*. Eventually he cried and said he was sorry and how much he loves us and how he didn't mean to be mean to us, but sometime he just gets SO ANGRY (dude. Same. But we're all working to be better, which means you have to WORK at it) and then he said he loves me, specifically and that he was sorry, and I accepted it. Because of course I did. Because I'm Mumther. I do that.

It was a rough day. It was a rough night. I didn't sleep, I was in pain, I waited until he went to bed and Spouse was taking a nap and took Flexeril (again) and when Spouse went to work, I went upstairs and laid in bed, and within 30 minutes of being up there, I was asleep. Then I took more flexeril this morning after kiddo got up and went to school, and I slept all day, too. 16 or so hours of sleep, with a lot of muscle relaxers. I woke up feeling more stable emotionally, and Mom is paying for me to spend a night at a hotel by myself because I never take time to myself. I'm always here with the kiddo. I haven't left my house (at all) in 2.5 months. I need a day to myself. I need a night to myself. I'm taking it. Hopefully it means I'll be way better off when I come home. Dear god, I hope so, because I may need to go inpatient if things don't calm down soon.

So that was a babble. But apparently I needed to speak it into the universe. Thanks for reading if you did. <3