I came out to my mother last sunday cuz she didn't like that i lie to her, like all the time
She was really calm through it all.
Doesn't mean she accepts me
I got a haircut and she said the same thing she always says, and i always think maybe she won't say it this time.
"I don't like it"
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you're in the habit of denying yourself things.
if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.
but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?
what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.
and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.
you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.
so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.
it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.
sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.
oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.
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assume for the sake of this exercise that all the neccescary jobs that arent being filled by people get done by robots idk. i was talking to my mom about this recently and she was adamant that she's happier when working so. curious what yall lean towards.
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alastor is such an insidious dealmaker because he's so reasonable. he doesn't ask for anything outlandish, especially not right out of the gate—he agrees to make a commercial so long as he's never asked to engage with anything tv-related again. he turns down charlie's soul and readily concedes to the stipulation that her favor doesn't have to hurt anyone. from the way husk describes their deal ("when you're down on your luck, you turn to anything to keep you afloat"), it heavily implies to me that husk went to alastor, not the other way around. alastor gets his foot in the door by making himself freely available, and by making it easy to tell him no the first dozen times he nonchalantly offers a deal, so by the time he starts angling for a deal he actually does want, you're less likely to notice immediately how predatory he's being, or how he's backed you into an inescapable corner. he makes himself an inevitability. you know he's a monster, you know that he's manipulating you—but he's also become your only choice, and so you don't even get the consolation of being able to say he tricked you, because you chose it
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A reminder that Harrow didn’t HAVE to take Gideon with her in GtN. She very much could have taken Ortus but choose to let him escape to keep Gideon with her. She might have said that she had to take Gideon but she put herself in that position because she can’t let Gideon go.
Gideon was her pretty boy toy !! She got taken because Harrow likes her muscles and probably dreamed of kissing her under the moonlight when Gideon said the lights were busted because she didn’t know how the sun works
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I came out to my mother last sunday cuz she didn't like that i lie to her, like all the time
She was really calm through it all.
Doesn't mean she accepts me
I got a haircut and she said the same thing she always says, and i always think maybe she won't say it this time.
"I don't like it"
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