#that's just a reflection about how he want people perceiving him
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having thoughts about Isabeau’s fashion career, and how his artistic style would evolve over time. that it may be almost surface level at the start, as he’s still clinging to his gullible persona and perhaps not letting himself fully indulge in what interests him as a person for the sake of his appearance. the clothes he makes are only ever lightly experimental: with anything too “abstract” or overly personal being restricted to forbidden concepts in his sketchbook. he sticks to the book, stays true to teachings and the clothes he’s used to learning “sell the best”. and it does sell, both due to his reputation as “a savior of vauguarde”, but also because the clothes he first designs are safe and predictable. they’re something you can wear and say “I feel warm in this”, that “I could wear this every day”. Something that you can fall back on.
and then, as both his skills & his confidence in himself as an individual evolves, the clothing changes as well. he deviates from his usual reputation of softer and sturdier materials, and begins experimenting with strange patterns and very unconventional pieces. the safe clothes still exist of course, but even those take a life of their own, morphing into garments that aren’t so hardy or overly reliable. by this point, the things he makes are made because he wanted to get the idea out of his mind, and not worry about if it’s palatable for buyers. his ideas and feelings and genuine mindset shown unapologetically, slowly but surely making designs that please himself, rather than exist to sooth others.
#im sooooo normal about him#isat#in stars and time#isat isabeau#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#<- just in case !!#isabeau at first trapping himself in the confines of ‘good work’ that many creatives put themselves in#and eventually overcoming these obstacles- thus finding more enjoyment in the medium!!#my favorite hobby is to imagine the isat cast happy (<- lies)#I think this bleeds into whatever he makes for the party as well#ofc a lot of his clothes are modeled to fit siffrin- primary and preferred clothing test dummy#but even when using them just as a model- he takes siffrin as an individual into account#it’s less ‘what would I like to see siffrin wear’ and more ‘what would siffrin want to wear?’#and that idea as well starts to shape his work. something about how it ties to change- that the outer surface he wears is made to fit-#- the perceived wants of Other People. how wearing that facade never made him feel right. how clothes mimick that uncomfortably tight armor#why subject the model to that? a garment is as much of a garment as it is a piece of someone#it’s a reflection of Isabeau’s mind. but it’s also something tailored to the interest and preference of that who wears it#it gives his work a lot of variety- especially in the cases where he works with different models or off of a blank base.#idk. I could ramble longer but I won’t
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actually so evil how much of hal's internal world gets obliterated with the rewriting of his relationships with jessica and martin.
#hal jordan#empyrean posting#ok going in the tags because im not actually v confident in my understanding of his character. i read all of his 80s/90s stuff but forgot#90% of it but ANYWAY.#so much of him just does not make sense with how geoff johns characterises him and his relationships with his parents particularly the#parallax stuff simply because of how much his relationship with the guardians and their apathy/'betrayal' is influenced by hal's original#relationship with his dad. like at its heart it's pretty much the same dynamic in how hal blindly trusts and sort of idolises the guardians#despite their repeated infractions in hope of... something in return just as he had with his father and the abuse he suffered at martin's#hands. that's what makes his anger at the guardians make sense when it does show itself because the relationship parallel didn't stop there.#as with martin hal gets nothing for his devotion. he gets nothing for doing everything that's asked of him and more and it ends the same way#too: with a man in the sky burning like a newborn star. and you lose so much of that nuance and intrigue behind that if you just make#jessica the 'bad one' because!!! you cheapen it!!!!#the whole idea of hal is that he has his father's face but his mother's scars#(to me). in the sense that they both reacted to martin the same way with that cognisance of who he was as a man yet inability to pull away#because... love. both the love they had for him and the conviction that he did or could love them too. and jessica arguably did eventually#but also she didnt did she? because she held onto that notion of love till the very end. the few scraps she had she ballooned outwards until#they became the whole. but hal didnt have even that and he spent his whole life chasing it & running away from wanting it at the same time#like i think there's something so interesting to the fact that he had to be convinced that flying was what he wanted to do. how much of that#was touched by his father? the fear that he was already too much like him than he could bear to be? he already had his face now he had his#dreams and longing for the sky. how much more could he have before he began repeating the cycle?#and at the end he even had his father's death. burning in the clouds. like there's so much there and that's not even touching on how it#impacts his relationships with other heroes. not just in the sense of why did kyle clark and diana get to keep their close yet complex#relationships with their moms when hal had to lose his (although yeah why did they) but also just how he lets himself come across to them.#because it's on purpose right? that he lets them think his reflection of his father is born out of unadulterated love for a man worthy of it#? he has his father's job he wears his father's jacket he smiles his father's smile. what else are they supposed to think.#and isnt that interesting!!! that this man who is so committed to being good & just can lie so casually to people he thinks of as friends!!!#can you see how that might be his mother through and through!!! in how she might have glossed over the abuse to other people and herself!!!#can you see how in spite of it all he might want to be perceived as his father that paragon of masculinity and resent that he is not!!!#do you understand how everything he loves has been poisoned!!! im thinking of that scene where he tells bruce about watching martin die &#wouldnt it have been so much more interesting through this lens. how he is both revealing & obfuscating at once. i hate the change sm
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You ever just see a Mouthwashing take that makes you want to bang your head into a wall? I literally just saw someone claim Curly couldn't have been emotionally abused by Jimmy before the crash because he was in a higher position of power than Jimmy.
-Shrimp Anon
The mouthwashing fandom has shown me that people genuinely do believe that certain types of abuse are not as detrimental as other types especially when they deem those immune/resistant, ergo, believing one is objectively worse no matter how it affects the person nor the intersections of power, history and dynamics at play.
Get ready cause this is a yap session:
Cause like it's heavily implied that Curly and Jimmy's friendship was toxic and abusive, pointedly in the direction of how Jimmy uses Curly's belief/comfort in him. Curly wasn't forced to enable Jimmy but he was emotional and mentally on edge around him in almost every scene in some way. Mental and emotional abuse are not contingent on what positions you have at work. Yeah, he's Jimmy's boss but he was Jimmy's friend first and it's like getting into Psych discussion to talk about how social power tends to overshadow any perceived organizational power in the human mind. People are concerned about their jobs ofc but they tend to hang onto and put more value/investment into their personal relationships, hence why there tends to be laws and restrictions around mixing the two.
I always see the sentiments that "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" as criticisms of Curly and while I do agree that on the surface level all of these to be true and viable ways Curly could've taken more control of the situation, I often look at the parallels of Anya and Curly as victims of Jimmy pre/post crash.
The way Jimmy talks to Anya post crash is how he talked to Curly in the pre-crash segments. It's hard to pin-point mainly because we know he hates and wants nothing to do with Anya compared to his contrary but similarly handled obsessions with Curly. It's a weird sort of "honey-moon" effect of abuse Jimmy does in terms of emotional and mental victimization. He is always horrid to Anya, always talking down or questioning her abilities and thoughts in a situation, this of course includes the harassment and assault. However, he has a moment of attempted gentleness/conditioning when he question her about the mouthwash when she's contemplating drinking it at the table. The key difference is he has no personal investment in Jimmy outside wanting nothing to do with him, meaning there is no sort of romanticized version of him that he can condition her off of. He knows this, hence, why he always reverts to trying to make her to scared to oppose him.
This sort of give and take of "kindness" doesn't work on her because she knows he is just doing it to take more from her than whatever he could possibly give but it reflects even the "softer" scenes between him and Curly where he always rewords or rephrases Curly's sentiments and concerns to sound more shallow. He is feigning a deeper understanding by reworking Curly's emotions into something bad and needing to be hidden. Everything is laced with envy and resentment, an outburst just around the corner, I mean he even slams the table in the birthday party scene, a tactic in emotional manipulation to set the victim on edge and cloud their ability to respond. Even if Curly knows Jimmy won't get physical in that moment, the physical actions is intended to make him back down in the confrontation in case it does. This is something that is just not person specific. It ingrains itself into how you interact with the world and life and it shows in major and minor ways with Curly.
Post-crash, the abusive nature is more in tandem to the physical victimization Anya went through and the stripping of voice and autonomy we see take place. Like the parasite in HFIM, Jimmy speaks for Curly most of the time and puts words in his mouth, similarly to how he takes Anya's plans as his own. He very commonly, with the both of them mind you, supplements the worst aspects of himself into them; pettiness, selfishness, lack of understanding... And tries to cover himself with their best qualities; kindness, planning, initiative, etc...
These parallel are just to say that positional power has little to do with if a person can be abused and how it can even be flipped to further the abuse. There is no doubt that Curly could've picked up on Jimmy's envy of his position hence another reason he never confronted him as a Captain but as a friend as doing so would immediately put Jimmy in a space to be confrontational/combative.
I think the disdain some people have when they talk about the heavily implied if not implicitly stated emotional/mental abuse Curly experienced being Jimmy's friend is when treating it as an excuse to why he didn't do more. I can understand that completely because it is not an excuse to why he didn't do more but is a very real reason people in his position in these scenarios can experience whether in the context of a work or social environment. However, I also think the way people talk about it really does demonstrate a bigger problem when talking about abuse when somehow who is/was abused is either part of the issue or enabled it.
Harkening back to the sentiments about Curly's inaction regarding Jimmy, I think the exact phrases I used/have seen show how there is an inherent belief that it is easier to overpower the effects of emotional/mental abuse that go in tandem with the perception of Curly as someone who should be able to. There is not an age you suddenly stop being susceptible to abuse nor a set point or low where you realize how it has affected you. You don't suddenly know to stand up or put a face on to face your abuser nor admit that you inadvertently enabled them to subjugate someone else to the same treatment. Maybe it's my psych brain but their is this growing belief that direct action is somehow easy or always the best method with the game shows you instances where it is not always the case. In real life that rings true too. He should have done more, but it's not impossible to see why he struggled to find a way or didn't even if it makes us mad.
It's not easy to suddenly gain a "back-bone". You don't immediately want to resort to aggression, especially if it mirrors the type you were a victim to. You don't want to believe you allowed yourself to be treated this bad, let it get that bad or allowed something bad to happen to someone else. It is easy to be in denial, to retreat to your thoughts or make excuses to avoid the painful truth. It's frustrating but in a way we know is relatable. It why we both hate and love Curly for it. We know we'd be better, we think we'd be better, we like to think we wouldn't falter in the same ways but it's always easier to say that from the outside looking in. It's easy to see what he was doing wrong because we are seeing it, not him, but the game really does make you picture what you would do if this was your raw reality and it's why this debate about Curly seems so never ending/contradictory. We can all say what we'd do but bottom line is that's much different when you're in the moment with all the emotions and human feelings attached.
I personally think Mouthwashing tackles the themes of rape culture, enabling, toxic masculinity, types of abuse and patriarchy in ways that are meant to deconstruct the typical straightforward views we mostly have of these concepts and how little subtilities of them are just as, if not more, detrimental than the overt/obvious parts. The game deals with the idea of little details and bigger picture in a way to show that sometimes the bigger picture is not the issue but the little details that make it up. It's why I have a personal dislike of depictions of Jimmy as the typical horrible person who would of course do something like this because the game is about noticing the little warning signs, the foreshadowing and foresight.
It's why I dislike the typical discussion of "bro code" and "boys will be boys" for the game because the game makes a point to avoid the standard depictions of such. It is about the type of men who still enable despite not condoning, agreeing or even perpetuating harmful beliefs because they can't see the little details or the ways it seeps into their everyday. The severity is not obvious to them as it was not obvious to Curly, Swansea or even Daisuke the way it was to a woman like Anya. There are little details about Jimmy that should ring alarms but if you are too naive like Daisuke, too distant like Swansea or too conditioned like Curly, they are just off markers.
There is 100% more constructive/concise ways to say "Curly was a victim of Jimmy's abuse on an emotional and mental aspect that clouded his judgements and perceptions in the scenario" while also critiquing on the side of "Curly still had a responsibility to protect Anya as a crew mate and Captain that he failed to do due to biases and stigma's he failed to surpass" without the weird condemnation people give him about should've knowing better than to let himself be manipulated by a person he considered a close, if not family/best-friend and had his own reasons to trust initially. Also stop being weird about victims of abuse in general with this fandom, like sorry not everyone has a like social epiphany the moment someone's nasty to them. People are treating it like you immediately know when you are in a toxic relationship immediately or comprehend when a person is actively dangerous and either it's your fault for not knowing how to leave/cut them off or you deserve it. Like the hypocrisy of people believing how certain fans treat the story reflect their irl views but not their own is crazy.
End statement is: I honestly don't even know man, I've been writing this too long and just like no man on that ship was perfect or really helped Anya when it mattered and I feel like pitting them against each other in discussion on who did the least or most or how it was justified sucks cause in the end Anya always did the most and best thing for herself.
#i also think it is because mouthwashing is first and foremost a game about rape culture and the patriarchy especially in work spaces#regarding women and centering conversation around Curly a man rubs people wrong because it does overshadow that commentary#but it still mixes other topics into its initial theming and message on how abuse conditions you to accept certain things that are harmful#and how getting used to a culture/enviornment does not mean you are happy healthy or most importantly safe in it. I personally like to#explore those aspects where it mixes all the themes so we can discuss the ways you have to watch out for things because there is a differen#in the idea Curly enabled Jimmy just because they were bros and because he was an example of another man afraid to step out from what#is a still oppressive system that does try to punish those who act against it even if they fall in the category of those who would benefit#from it as Jimmy and PE 100% represent that sort of misogynistic system where men that would be “good” are altered until they follow line#in a way both on the personal and professional level as PE is the corporate lock out and Jimmy represents the social and its just the issue#that the discussion of it sounds like “in defense of men” when I am more so trying to discuss how it is much deeper than men being scared t#upset other men but complacency is rewarded by not becoming another person subjugated hence as all the moments Curly does try to do#something we can tie it back to how Jimmy reacts and a possible penality from PE where we now need to address the ways to combat those#two concepts so we dont get cases like Curly or Daisuke or Swansea where male avoidance of the issue is considered neutral or even good.#i think most of this boils down the perfect victim mentality to where if someone who underwent or is being abused is not a perfect example#or accpetible type than their abuse can not be considered a valid or substantial reason for effects on their behavior compounded with the#fact that Anya's abuse at the hands of Jimmy is a systematic issue that Curly is a part of even if unwillingly and was more physically#violating and topical cause sometimes i have to remind myself that all media is still critiqued through the lens of the culture it came out#in cause i do think about what if this game came out inlike 2014 like the conversations would be sooooooo different could you imagine it?#but back the before statement Curly isn't perfect but I feel like boiling it down if hes a good person or man is not the point of the game#but more so good people can still be part of the problem and the idea of condemning a person for one act creates a false sense of#rightouesness and justice that does not aid the victim and in fact aids the abusers in escaping blame for their mulitple behaviors as we se#how the men on the ship tend to blame Jimmy for just one act against them including himself while there is a plethora of things Anya is#concerned about with Jimmy#and its not that Curly just made one mistake with Jimmy but more so we consider his actions more damning because he didn't stop Jimmy#instead of focusing on the fact Jimmy did what he did regardless of Curly and the consequence because we already know he's bad n maladjuste#which is problem in the conversation where the individuals are blamed but the system and perputrator are overlooked in a sense of acceptiab#complacency as we know how they are and the lack of tangibility to personally affect them on a larger scale like I should just make a post#on like cutting out the face when it comes it confronting systems of oppression rather than tag talking but just ask me to clarify if#you want that like im jus trying to say we avoid talking about Jimmy and PE so much cause it is obvious what they do wrong that we make#the initial and inherent problem out to be one aspect someone in this case Curly does and the the constraints they use to force actions
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This particular screenshot absolutely took me (and other viewers) out on the first watch.
Where was he hiding those broad shoulders and all that muscle before? How did he make all of us believe he was just another silly twinky anime man?
Listen to me: it's all about the jacket.
The creators of Tristamp have talked extensively in the past about how they changed the design of Vash's jacket and had him wear it unzipped to reflect the fact that this is a more "open" Vash. But for all his openness, he's still hiding.
See, the jacket dwarfs him. It's this big billowing piece of fabric that manages to hang on his massive frame and make him look much smaller than he is. And that's on purpose. Vash wants to look smaller. He wants to be perceived as less threatening.
Because even with his nice eyes and soft voice, if he walked into a town looking like this, with all his strength on full display, people could still perceive him as a threat, even slightly. Vash plays up how harmless he is all the time, as we saw in episode 1. It's kinda his thing. So it would make sense for it to extend to his physical presentation as well.
There's something we have to remember about Vash. He doesn't want to be dangerous. It's a part of himself he doesn't like looking at or acknowledging. Hiding behind his coat, hiding the physical markers of how "dangerous" he could be, is all part of that.
@tristampparty
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💸 Ways Toxic!Mammon takes over your life as your controlling, doting boyfriend (pt.1?) 💸
Note: Female!Reader, AFAB (Whoever came up w/ voxtok shout out to you!!!), this also takes place before Fizz quit. Also not proofread!
Warnings: semi nsfw, cussing, manipulation, slut shaming, killing, dominance, toxic relationship goals!
Social media. As we all are aware, he has a huge influence online. He has millions and even billion of fans, which he can exploit and persuade very easily. He controls your accounts, people you follow, the things you post (if he even lets you post at all), etc. He controls all of your comments, and filters them. One time, your best friend had left a comment that said, "Damn girl, looking fine ASF", And he was fuming. He forbid you from ever seeing that 'friend' ever again.
You most likely have to make a secret account that you post on. And its very popular. It may consist of you talking about Mammons icks, dancing videos with him (you convinced him, because you told them they were privated.), which all most likely get millions of views. But lets hope Mammon does not find it, or else he will not be happy with you.
How you two as a couple are perceived. He cares alot about his public image. So he will pay out media outlets and news stations to percieve you, himself and your relationship in a good light. So lets say Mammon is getting "cancelled", (he never in a million years actually would, too many people look up to him and adore him.) for bringing supposed groupies backstage after an event he is hosting. Even if he actually did, he would pay the media huuuge amounts of money to get himself out of trouble. Same goes for you. Your poor choices reflect onto him as well, since you two are a very public couple.
Like I have said before in previous posts, you two are definitely the most watched, reported and popular couple in Hell. Sinners and native demons admire the dynamic between you two. So lets say you lash out at a fan for getting their camera too close to you? And then that fan posts footage on Voxtok or Sinstagram, you may get some backlash.
Lets be honest, Mammon probably wont jump to defend you unless it involves him in some way. If it does not involve him, he will block some people by logging into your account, (because he knows all of your passwords), but nothing more.
The clothes you wear. He buys you your clothes, so in his mind, he has every right to choose what goes on your body. If he sees you wearing something revealing, he will tell you 'you look like a slut babe. Where are you going, the fuckin' strip club?' He says shit like that even if your showing an inch of stomach. He for the most part wants you to wear things he chooses. He prefers if you two are matching all the time, but if you are just going out to get groceries, he likes when you wear oversized sweatshirts/hoodies, with leggings. I know its an oddly specific combo, but he thinks it doesn't show off any of your supple skin, and you look so appealing. Especially if its a brand Mammon owns. Mans will go feral. I feel like every time you leave the house with or without him, he will be sitting on the couch, saying 'C'mon, you know the drill cutie. show daddy what your gonna wear, yeah?'
He loves it when he sees you in a natural, underdressed state alone at home. His by far most treasured thing he likes to see on you, is you either in your bra and matching panties, or you in an oversized t shirt and panties with no bra. He especially likes those really dainty, "girly" colors and patterns. He likes seeing you dress feminine.
Calling him daddy. Yes you heard me. He has a huge power influx, and having you call him that fuels the fire in his ego. If its the morning, and you yawn and stretch out a tired, 'good mornin' daddy', he is hard. And this isn't even a fully sexual thing for him, since he isnt all that sexual extremely often. He just loves being called daddy. But if it were somebody else calling him that, they would get the death stare and an upset Mammon. But with you, he likes dominating you. So call him daddy. It will get him in a good mood, and If you want something from him? A daddy or two wont hurt.
Who you talk to. Once you two are together, he with subtly cut people out of your life that he thinks are a threat to your relationship. He will try to cut off any of your male friends or if you had any, your ex's. This sneaky man will probably send photos of you giving him head that he took without your permission. And he will never tell you he did that. Anyways, once he gets rid of all of these people, he will convince you that 'ohhh, princess, c'mon dont get your panties in a twist. Maybe they are just on vacation, you dont gotta act like a little whiny bitch-'. And by vacation, he means threatened, or killed.
He does not want you being influenced by anybody but himself. And especially not by any men. One of his many influx of issues is his jealousy/possession, (which I will get into on another post.) SO really the only other person besides himself that you can talk to are people he has met, and are proven to him to not uphold any power against him.
Meaning he will never let you meet Asmodeus. He is a horrible influence in his mind, and he does not was Ozzie to make you aware of his manipulation tactics. He may let you meet Beelz or Lucifer, but never Ozzie. He is the embodiment of lust, which is like toxic waste for your mind.
You bank account. If you need him to send funds, he will as long as you give him a little kiss on the cheek. But if you have been a bad girl, you might need to work for his money. If he is feeling particularly nice today, he will text you, sending a photo of the transfered funds he sent you, reading 25k+ sent. He loathes in the 'oh no you didn't have to Mamm' he gets from you, or the 'I feel bad, send it back!' Because in reality, he does not like to spend his money on anything useless. And to him, you aren't useless. So sharing some of his "hard earned" cash truly shows how he trusts and believes you wont go out on a limb for him.
And plus, now that your with him, he has taken all of your funds. He wont tell you that, even thought it didn't matter, considering how little you had compared to his trillion dollar net worth. So if you ever do stupidly decide to leave him, you wont be able to.
Puts a tracker on you, or has his goons follow you. This is another thing you are blissfully unaware of. He has an unreleased app on his phone, where he can see wherever you are at all times. While you were sleeping in your shared bedroom, he would put a tracker chip deep into you ear. So that he doesn't have to worry about his most prized possession running away when he isn't around. Or if he cant physically see you and he wants to? He has some loan sharks or his bodyguards follow you silently. I think awhile back, Mammon developed "Mammons Super Secret Spy Glasses", a product made for naive kids, and was released to the masses. But that transformed into an opportunity to exploit his goons into using them to spy on you. Do they want to creepily follow you? No. But can they refuse. Absolutely not. Nobody can refuse Mammon.
If somebody does take you somewhere, he will have his goons kill them, but come to the location and make it look like he killed them for your sake.
Controls where you can and cant go. He 100% does this. He wouldn't even let you in the vicinity of any kind of smoke shop, strip club, etc. He wants you to stay innocent, and naive for him. Meaning he will never let you in the lust ring, which alludes to the fact that him and Ozzie... aren't on the best terms per say. But will let you in any other ring under severe supervision. He cant have you doing any stupid shit to mess with his public image.
He wont even let you roam around in his own ring, because he is well aware of how dangerous it has become. He doesn't want his pretty little thing being kidnapped by some dirty, greasy men on the streets. But if you really want to go somewhere, he will let you go near there, but he will cover your eyes with his top two hands, and guide your waist with his bottom pair of hands somewhere he deems safe.
I also think he would follow you to the bathroom, and he would definitely offer to (does anyways) wipe for you.
How you act. Once you two are together, you will learn things the Mammon way. He will teach you how to become his esteemed future wife, and soon you might even have his kids (when he feels like babytrapping you, but that might be a later work.) He will teach you his version of manners, such as how to sit properly on his lap, teaching you how to french kiss (Which he assumes is your first time kissing somebody), How to sit still properly on his large cock, How to rock your hips just right-
He just wants you to be prepared for him. If he comes home at night, he expects the usual kiss on the cheek, asking him how his day was, and then the finale, which consists of your naked body and your legs being spread wider than his shit eating grin. He just wants to be ready to blow your back out, not having to worry about wasting time.
In the morning, he wants his breakfast served by none other than his obedient little princess. Then, he wants you to personally brush and floss his teeth. Then, he wants you to pick his outfit. (you will never truly get a say, he just wants to know from your perspective what makes him sexier.) And finally, the finishing act, holding your hair tightly into a makeshift ponytail, while he bobs your head up and down his cock.
Sexually frustrating you. After a while, you will miss his sexual touches. You will begin to crave them, as you will find yourself wanting him more and more. He is just so good at eating your pussy, and making you feel like your on cloud 9.
So don't be suprised if you find yourself humping his leg, as he bounces his thigh up and down to try and overstimulate you.
Makes you come to his shows. He will drag you to them. He does not care how tired you are, you will be there and sit pretty. He will let you in for free, but if you want a piece of merchandise, or some popcorn, he will make you pay. (even though its his money). When you first start dating, that is the case. But now that you two are officially an item? You sit up on the terrace with him in his webs. He has two of his left side arms wrapped around you, while he forces you to hand feed him.
And sometimes people catcall you from up above. One time, a couple dudes got drunk of Beelzejuice, and started berading you. By asking you to flash a peek of your tits, and show a little pussy. You were highly offended, but Mammon was not happy.
Those guys ended up in the E.R., but they would have died if it weren't for your expertise in calming Mammons temper. After that little incident, Mammon had later that day taken your ass on a one way ticket to pound town. So you can thank those guys, I guess...
Anyways, what if you need to use the bathroom during a show? He pauses the entire thing, because he wants you to watch how good of a planner and mastermind he is at pageants. Will literally wait outside of the bathroom door for you, and checks his watch if your taking "too long".
But anyways, he will also try to get you and Fizzarolli to be friends, since both of you are basically brainwashed by him.
The things you buy. He will not ever let you buy any cheap shit. Its a bad look on his behalf. So every time you two go out, you have to ask him if you can get something. If he deems it as "not doing anything for your look", he will make you put it back. And this goes for everything. Online orders, Voxtok shop (tiktok shop), etc. It always has to be approved by him.
Also, he will never let you buy any sex toys. He thinks his fingers, tongue and dick are more than plenty. If you ask him for any sex toys, he will call you an ungrateful little whore. So its best if you don't ask, unless you want Mammons over the top mumbling and grumbling.
Emotionally manipulating you. He will do this all the time. If he ever does something wrong, he will never admit to it. He will either never glaze over it, or will turn it on you somehow. It will start with his angry grunting, huffing, and puffing. If you ever ask him if he is ok, he will literally whip his head towards you and give you the most deadly glare you will ever see. His Aussie accent will come out very abruptly when he's mad.
Throw the worlds biggest temper tantrums. Sometimes you think hes a baby in an adult mans body. Some of his have gone on for days on end. He will pull every trick in the book. Whining and fake crying are things he has tried to use on you.
If he is really ruffled up, he will start yelling at you for no reason whatsoever. He just yells a bunch of belligerent bullshit, and does not give any reason why. Truly, the best thing to do to calm him down is spread your legs nice and wide, and let him lap at your cunt for hours. If he is 'borderline dangerous' mad, he will refuse to talk to you for a couple days. Even if you try, he wont budge. Deep down, he cares for you. And he knows that if he gives in, he might hurt you.
If he wants something from you, he will flash his infamous puppy dog eyes. (Bottom photo below), But if he is annoyed with you, he will make the deadly glare (Top photo below)
So, just try your best to keep him calm and happy. Even if that is through means you don think are necessary 💚
#mammon x reader#helluva boss#hazbin hotel#hb mammon#mammon#mammon hb#mammon x reader hb#alastor x reader#lucifer x reader#mammon x you#mammon x y/n#hb mammon x reader#mammon hcs#mammon fluff#adam x reader#helluva x you#helluva x y/n#hazbin x you#hazbin x y/n#mammon smut#mammon smut hb#alastor smut#Hazbin hotel smut#Hazbin hotel fluff#Helluva boss fluff#Helluva boss Smut
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Beyond the Reflection
Javier and Mateo had always shared a special connection. From the moment they met in that café, they felt they were meant to be together. But something deeply troubled them: how society viewed them and how they perceived themselves. Both were slender and felt insecure in their bodies; they wished to be stronger and more muscular, not just to feel better about themselves but also to protect their relationship from the critical gaze of the outside world.
One day, while strolling through an old neighborhood, they stumbled upon an esoteric shop that seemed out of time. In the window, a sign read: "We fulfill your deepest desires." Intrigued, they entered the dimly lit establishment, which was filled with antique mirrors and mysterious objects.
An old woman with eyes as dark as the night greeted them. "I know what you want," she said before they could utter a word. "You want different bodies, stronger, more powerful."
Javier and Mateo, holding hands, looked at each other and nodded. They were willing to pay any price to be together without the insecurities that haunted them.
The old woman led them to a room where two large golden mirrors hung on the wall. "These mirrors do more than reflect your desires," she explained, "they allow you to take the bodies of those who embody that desire. But you must be sure because this change is irreversible."
In their minds appeared two muscular men they often saw at the neighborhood gym. One of them was Gabriel, a 27 year old man who had dedicated his life to the gym, making it his sole occupation and passion. Standing tall with a muscular build, his physique was the result of years of relentless training and discipline. Gabriel spent hours each day lifting weights, perfecting his form, and pushing his limits. The gym wasn’t just a place to work out; it was his sanctuary, the one place where he felt in control and at peace.
The other man was Armando, a 30 year old successful personal trainer and nutritionist, known for his charisma and his ability to inspire others to reach their goals. Armando came from a humble background and had worked hard to build his reputation in the fitness world. However, behind his bright smile and seemingly perfect life, he hid a deep loneliness. He had dedicated so much time to his career that he had neglected his personal life, and although he was admired by many, he had no one to share his successes with.
The mirrors began to glow, and in an instant, Javier and Mateo felt a strange pull inside them. When they opened their eyes, they were no longer in the shop but in the bodies of Gabriel and Armando.
Javier, now Gabriel, suddenly felt much stronger, and immediately began to admire his body: his abs, his perfect pecs and a pair of big buttocks ready to receive his boyfriend's cock.
He immediately put Gabriel's things (his things) in his backpack and took a photo, sending it to his boyfriend's old Instagram profile.
"Look at the ass you're going to be playing with tonight."
Meanwhile, Mateo opened his eyes and found himself in the middle of a routine in Armando's body. There were people around him who noticed something strange in his attitude.
"Are you okay?" one of them said.
"Yes, bro." Mateo pretended, knowing that was exactly how Armando would speak.
Immediately, the new Armando ran to the locker room, where he logged into his Instagram account and read the message from "Gabriel." Full of emotion, he lifted his shirt and took a photo. Responding: "I can't wait."
After two weeks (and a phase of rough gay sex every night), Gabriel and Armando came out to their girlfriends and families and declared themselves a couple. It was especially fun to go to the mall to find some clothes that actually fit their "new selves."
Their new bodies were strong, powerful, exactly as they had imagined.
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Enhypen with a s/o who suffers from an ED (hyung line)
Warnings : ed behaviours, body dysmorphia, low self esteem, self depreciation, suggestive in jay's, fluff, comfort, triggering content ahead, please proceed with caution<3
Requested by .・゜゜・ @onlyni-kis (I tried my best to make it realistic, I hope it helps you somehow)
Heeseung
He'd be so attentive and accomodating to your needs. As someone with an Ed, you're often not taken seriously. Your mental problems are not considered valid. And so you usually avoid social settings where people can pass up unnecessary comments on your body or eating choices and heeseung never pressures you to get out if you don't want to. Because you lack confidence and even slight comments trigger you, heeseung makes sure that no one can do so while he's around. If he's around, you can freely go anywhere and do anything. He would have a reputation of a 0 tolerance boyfriend who did not like people perceiving you in anyway. So whenever he is around, people usually know to keep their words in check. He's your safe blanket. The only person you can be yourself with.
You were hanging out with heeseung's cousins in a family get together, sitting on heeseung's lap and indulging in oily food for once, trying to let go of the food guilt.
"y/n that's a lot of food for one sitting" one of them commented and even though the comment was harmless with no real intent to hurt you, it did hurt. Your appetite dying instantly as you gave them a sheepish smile ,standing up from heeseung's lap and excusing yourself from the setting, not wanting your useless tears to fall and ruin everyone's mood. Heeseung let you walk away to collect your emotions but the instant icy glare he shot towards his cousin was something his family would never forget.
"I thought I made it clear that when y/n comes over you better watch your fucking mouths" he gritted through clenched teeth, the nerve on his forehead throbbing with how much effort it was taking him to stop himself from punching his cousin's stupid face. He found you standing in the kitchen, the food that was previously on your plate was now in the trash can and you just stood there staring at it, your small sniffles reaching his ears. You jumped upon feeling two strong arms wrap around your waist but melted into heeseung's touch in an instant.
"Baby, it's okay, have you seen the amount of food that i eat? On the daily basis?" His words made you snort, how ladylike. It was true, heeseung always made sure to load his plate full, piling stuff to the top just so he could make you laugh and forget about your own portion size. It always worked.
"Let's get out of here and I'll take you to this new ice cream parlor I've been meaning to try, would you like that baby? Just me and you?" He peppered small kisses along the length of your neck tenderly, making you close your eyes and just bask in his love. "Yeah I'd love that" you whispered. He was enough for you. You could deal with anything as long as you were in his arms.
Jay
Watching yourself in the mirror was always daunting for you, having no idea of what you really looked like, just constant voices in your head chanting "ugly" were all you could focus on. The dress that you were trying on was tight, it was suffocating. Not thin enough, not pretty enough, starve, starve-
A choked sob escaped your lips and you covered your mouth instantly, realizing that you were in a public space and your boyfriend was right outside. Jay's thought made you cry more, all of your self doubts creeping in and you turned away from the mirror, unable to look at your distorted reflection any longer. You often questioned why he was with you, you were nothing but a mess of a person, not pretty, not normal... just a gaping wound was what you were. Always bleeding. A sudden knock at the changing room's door jolted you out of your thoughts and you quickly wiped your tears, breathing in through your nose to make your voice less wobbly "yes?" you asked, hoping it was just a staff.
"baby let me in please" came jay's sweet voice and you closed your eyes, a defeated sigh leaving your lips. He knew you were having a breakdown, of course he knew, he always knew. You trudged towards the door and yanked it open, presenting your tear stained face to your worried boyfriend. Jay took you in his arms in an instant, cooing and shushing you when you started sobbing in earnest. "talk to me love, I'm right here" he whispered, running his palms all over your body, caressing you with so much tenderness it made you tighten your hold around his neck.
"I just-i don't like this dress" you choked out in the crook of his neck and he hummed in understanding "but I think it looks stunning on you baby" He whispered. His words made you pull back, still sniffing but staring into his eyes to detect a lie being told to placate you.
"You do?" you asked softly, not trusting your voice just yet. He nodded and turned you around, a gasp leaving your lips while your back rested against his chest. Your eyes met his in the mirror and you shied away from the intensity of his gaze. You watched as he ran his hands all over your body, your breath hitching when he cupped your chest, travelling down to your waist, then to your hips "so perfect" he whispered in your ear, making a shiver run down your spine. "look at the way it hugs your curves sweetheart, and the vibrant blue which brings out the color of your eyes", your eyes widened upon realizing that he was right, the dress did do wonders in highlighting your eyes. " look at the way it hugs your hips baby, driving me crazy" and it did, it hugged your hips so snugly, the fit so perfect now that you were seeing yourself in new light. His fingers dug into your waist, his lips touching your earlobe while he told you how beautiful you were. "let me take you home and show you how much I like this dress" He groaned and you bit your lower lip at his suggestion, suddenly feeling so sexy and so desired. He was so good at making you feel like this gorgeous person that you never thought you were. But he was here. And he wanted you. He thought you were pretty and that's all that mattered to you. It didn't heal you but it did make things easier.
Jake
He would be the type of boyfriend who keeps you stacked with your diet soda and 0 calorie foods. After he started dating you he had quickly grasped the severity of your condition, and even though it was out of his hand to actually help you, he did try his best to just be there for you.
"Jake I didn't order these" you asked your boyfriend in confusion, pointing towards the two full boxes of konjac noodles sitting on the kitchen counter. He walked towards you with a smile and pulled you into him. "I did, aren't they your favorite noodles? I was just trying to be a good boyfriend".
Favorite noodles. No they weren't. And you knew that jake knew that, but he didn't like to make you feel like there was something wrong with you, and you appreciated that so much. Your lower lip wobbled upon seeing the new cans of coke zero stacked on the side counter as well. Never had anyone cared so much about your needs and it was making you choke on your emotions. You had been running out of your ed foods and were trying to push back buying them because of the increasing prices, not wanting to waste money on your own hunger because according to you, you didn't deserve to eat anyway.
"How'd you know?" you whispered through a sniffle, already feeling the onslaught of tears. "because I know you, and I love you" He whispered back, wiping your tears and capturing your lips in his own, kissing you through your breakdown.
Sunghoon
You didn't want to overthink it. You really didn't, but your boyfriend was gorgeous and so it was inevitable that he got female attention wherever he went. And most girls ignored your presence beside him, fawning over him as if he didn't have his fingers intertwined with yours. She was beautiful, the girl your boyfriend had been laughing with when you stepped into his office unannounced. That was your biggest mistake because now you couldn't help but compare. Compare the thighs, the arms, the waist... you were nothing like her. Were these the women sunghoon spent his entire day with? and he still chose to come back to your plain self? What were you even doing with yourself? You should be starving harder, you decided. Just a few inches more and your waist might start looking like her, and maybe a few more inches on your thighs would make everything better and the- you were spiralling again. Unable to stop it even though you knew the consequences.
"This is the 3rd order this week baby" sunghoon's voice made you turn towards your bedroom door, mentally cursing upon finding the packaged waist trainer in his hands. You panicked and snatched it from his hands, mumbling a quick thank you and not meeting his eyes. You could feel his probing gaze on you. "You haven't stepped outside of this house in weeks, care to tell me what's going on?"
You hadn't lost weight, you weren't pretty enough yet, didn't he understand?? You couldn't just go outside looking like this, was he out of his mind?. Warm hands cupping your cheeks pulled you out of your inner monologue and you looked up at his intense eyes staring down at you. He rubbed his thumbs onto your cheeks and rested his forehead against yours
"Do you remember the first day of high school? When you had the biggest zit on your nose?" He asked and you looked up at him confused, not knowing where this conversation was headed but nodded regardless. "I loved you then" he whispered and your throat tightened, remembering how he was probably the only one in your entire grade who didn't make a comment on your acne. "And the time when you fell face first into the muddy water before class cuz you were an idiot who never looked at the ground while walking" The memory made you giggle but sunghoon only smiled fondly , kissing your nose "you were drenched from head to toe but i loved you then. I loved you so much y/n". You could feel the moisture gathering in your eyes at his confession, knowing that you spent your entire teen years hating yourself so much to the point that you failed to see the love that was around you. Remembering how you would shy away from your own reflection in the class windows because you despised yourself to the core. "And I loved you when you slapped me, loved you so much that it hurt". Tears were falling freely now, the painful memory of you slapping sunghoon after he confessed his feelings for you because you thought he was trying to make fun of you, coming back to you. cuz in your head there was no way that a guy like him could ever want something to do with you, so you automatically concluded that it was a prank, a distasteful one. "and I love you right now y/n, I love you because you're you. I can't live without you because your soft snores are the only thing helping me fall asleep most days. Because your stupid jokes are the only ones I'd ever fake my laugh for- you gasped through your tears and slapped his chest lightly, making him chuckle. "I love you because I can't help it. It's that easy to love you. " he continued , wiping your tears, "don't you understand baby? You never had to try to make me love you, so why now?". You buried your face into his chest and sobbed, feeling like a huge rock had been lifted off of your chest. His assurance was what you craved the most. The reminder that you were enough for someone. For him.
"I want you just like you are sweetheart, flaws and scars intact. Raw and unfiltered. Now that I have you in my arms, please don't take that away from me" He whispered, wrapping his hands tightly around your heaving body.
"If it's hard for you to love yourself,please let me do it for you" and just like that, he was again fixing the parts of you that he didn't break.
#enha#enhypen#lee heeseung#jay#jake sim#park sunghoon#sunghoon imagines#enhypen scenarios#enhypen imagines#enhypen fluff#heeseung x reader#jay x reader#jake x reader#sunghoon x you#park jongseong
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This is long, but i need to get this out of my chest:
I have made so many post defending Penelope when people talked about her issues, her traumas but right now i feel like defending Colin.
As a woman, sometimes i naturally tend to feel defensive and shield the girl but i need to be fair here. Colin's feelings and trust were deeply hurt, Colin is insecure, soft, thoughtful, introspective, sensitive and suffers with a inferiority complex, and he struggles to know his place in society and among the people he loves, on what he should do and the expectations of society from a 22 years old man.
What many don't seem to realize is that Colin, even before knowing Penelope is LW, was very insecure about what she loves in him ( and even if she did in fact love him, because she was about to marry someone else), about being worth of her, he says he wants to do something, to publish his diaries because he wants her to be proud of him…he already didn't think he was good enough for and to her. Colin is insecure about not being good enough in every aspect of his life, tbh. His lack of purpose, faith in himself and on others loving him from whom he is runs deep. His moment of vulnerability telling how much Penelope not answering to his letters affected him, his family too was very revealing. Him screaming at Pen with tears in his eyes that he felt foolish that she read his diaries and praised him as something special. This is something i've noticed even in other seasons too. The family not caring much about his need to connect and his somewhat strained relationship with Anthony, who wasn't really a good male figure to him. It's about male ego? A bit, but it's deeper than that in the series.
Another issue is, he put Pen in a pedestal too ( much like Pen did until 2x8), to be honest, and that is never a good thing, because people are not perfect. And he needed to learn all that. There is disappointment there. But, again, it goes further. It’s him not knowing her as he thinks he should. It’s him perceiving her humanity but reflecting on his own. We have to remember he's so happy because Pen chose him, because he thinks now he's someone's priority and he's someone's focus. He has the immature idea that you should be everything in every way to the person you love, and if you can't be their protector and the hero in their eyes, why should anyone love you?
Then he finds out…and his worldview crumbles. Not only Penelope broke his trust and hurt him deeply - and she never told him and never would have - and it wasn't just himself but his family too, but she shattered his belief he knew and connected with her better than almost anyone else, she shattered his barely there newly found confidence and sense of purpose, what he thought was his sense of self now. All modern sensibilities tend to be ruffled about this, but i think it's a fitting conflict that he would have issues with her being so self-sufficient, so successful while he believes himself to be less, way less than her, so to Colin she doesn't need him, and if she doesn't need him, why would she love him? Why should she love him?
Again, there is the side of him conflicted about knowing her. The pedestal was broken, because she lied to him. She is this powerful, talented, successful woman on her own, not just the pretty shy girl with sweetness and great witty personality that he loves, the one that thinks the world of him. She talked about him, she criticized him and while it rings true deep down, it rings devastation, because she could see beyond his farce and it makes him look and feel pathetic.
So he's struggling with two things: on how to love her, all of her, and how to feel good enough for her, love himself. He's trying to accept her new wonderful aspects and her hurtful flaws because he never stopped loving her, in no moment we see anything but love when that man looks at her, when that man is crying because of her and his deep sadness and longing, his anger is laced with so much love for her. He's angry at her but mostly at himself and he needs to figure it out a way to feel like he deserves to be loved by her. It fuels his issues and he also over compensates.
His hang ups with LW becomes his tangible target. Not only he sees as a dangerous thing to her, it puts her at risk, and with that in mind he can put himself in a role of her protector again, but he fixates on the idea that without Whistledown she's the Pen that he can believe is able to love him even if he's not good enough. Without Whistledown she's not so much above him and not so far from him, because Whistledown is her critical eye, it's Penelope appraising people very analytically and if she looks closely, he doesn't think she will see much in him, as she proved before with he S3 ep1 comment. He wants to get rid of it.
Sure, he's jealous too, he envies her success but exactly because he resents how much that makes him less worthy. It's also another thing that he thinks she's putting above him. He couldn't see clearly that it wasn't something outside herself (and he gets it after), but part of who she is, and all of those parts loves him. It's foolish and it's nonsensical because he doesn't understand that she has seen his flaws but she loves him anyway. He needed reassurance just as much as Pen needed. He needed her to keep on telling she loved him and why, because it heals him.
Some people were upset he didn't make love to her that day he went to get a blanket, but i get it. He wants it, he wants her so badly, you can see it. Colin has problems communicating and doing what he wants because he feels pathetic, jealous and that makes him feel worse, makes him feel shame. It’s him, not her that was the issue at that point. His connection with her runs deeper, it's respecting her and himself, with all the conflicted feelings why he didn’t.
It’s a slow process and i’m bloody glad it took its time to be resolved. But he starts understanding that his way wont help them, it wont bring them closer. He wont solve things by controlling and being the hero. He can’t change the past, he can’t change who they are. He wont solve anything by repressing his love.
Pen words help him figuring out a lot, her spoken words directed to him and her written words that he reads again. She needs him. She tells him she needs him and his love, not grand actions. He can show love and be worthy by supporting her. He starts to understand and ACCEPT that Whistledown is Pen, and loving Pen will include that part of her personality. He grasps that it was always there and it never made a difference in how much she loved being around him and him her, how much attention she dedicated to him, how much her words, in her letters, were full of admiration for him, to her love to him, how much she is his special person. She needs him just as much he needs her, she needs his love, his charm, his intelligence, his humor, his integrity, she needs him because without him she doesn’t feel complete, she doesn’t feel happy. He’s a good man, a fine man that makes her happy, always have. And he realizes she inspires him, she always had, and that isn't a problem, that having her helping him is not a problem, because he helps her too in many ways. It’s only when he can accept himself as equal and entitled to her love as she is to his that they could truly be together and happy.
Colin had the right to feel hurt, had the right to have his insecurities, had the right to need time and had the right to need space, had the right to lash out, had the right to come to term with the changes and surprises life threw at him, specially as a sensitive person that he very much is, and i'm glad the show didn't rush that.
#bridgerton#polin#colin bridgerton#luke newton#nicola coughlan#colin x penelope#penelope bridgerton#penelope featherington
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The problem with discussions about Henry Crawford is that there are two different questions being asked at the same time: 1) Can Fanny reform Henry? and 2) Can Henry reform?
Austen answers negatively to the first one, but I'd argue she's very ambivalent in her answer to the second.
Austen is not in the habit of "punishing" her villains; none of them are struck by accidents of fortune or anything the like, but we commonly perceive the downgrade between what they could have had and what they end up having. Edward Ferrars is an infinitely preferrable husband to Robert Ferrars, but Lucy Steele never seems to become aware of that fact. Isabella tries to get Captain Tilney over James Morland. Mr. Elliot is not crying by the corners over the fact that he lost Anne Elliot. Even Willoughby's regret is not about Marianne's actual goodness, but his personal convenience. Austen's "villains" as a rule are morally stupid people.
When Aristotle says that no one can be good who is stupid, he doesn't have in mind things like being good at Math or being well read or quick-witted; he's thinking of a certain intuition, clear-sightedness about what is good, what contributes to human flourishing, and this seems to be a strong component of what Austen calls sense. Sense is almost convertible (if not completely) with prudence, and prudence is a rather intuitive virtue, as it regulates the when, the how, the how much, etc of the other moral virtues. (and there goes my first thesis topic that I never did!).
In that way it is interesting that only 4 characters are said to possess sense in Mansfield Park: Edmund, Fanny, Henry, and Tom (and Tom doesn't even fully count, because his is expressed negatively: instead of having sense, he doesn't lack it). Here are the Henry instances:
"He did not want them to die of love; but with sense and temper which ought to have made him judge and feel better, he allowed himself great latitude on such points." "Henry Crawford had too much sense not to feel the worth of good principles in a wife, though he was too little accustomed to serious reflection to know them by their proper name; but when he talked of her having such a steadiness and regularity of conduct, such a high notion of honour, and such an observance of decorum as might warrant any man in the fullest dependence on her faith and integrity, he expressed what was inspired by the knowledge of her being well principled and religious." "That punishment, the public punishment of disgrace, should in a just measure attend his share of the offence is, we know, not one of the barriers which society gives to virtue. In this world the penalty is less equal than could be wished; but without presuming to look forward to a juster appointment hereafter, we may fairly consider a man of sense, like Henry Crawford, to be providing for himself no small portion of vexation and regret: vexation that must rise sometimes to self-reproach, and regret to wretchedness, in having so requited hospitality, so injured family peace, so forfeited his best, most estimable, and endeared acquaintance, and so lost the woman whom he had rationally as well as passionately loved."
(I'm not counting the one time Edmund calls him a man of sense, and the one time Sir Thomas does the same, for obvious contextual reasons).
It's not only interesting that he is the only rake to be called a man of sense by the narrator (Mrs. Smith calling Mr. Elliot a man of sense in Persuasion is clearly not meant to be taken straight), but that it is always specifically tied to moral perceptiveness; he was morally perceptive enough to know he shouldn't have played the way he did, and he chose to ignore it. He perceives Fanny's moral worth, and it is the core reason why he wants to marry her.* He also perceives William's moral worth as something both good and desirable:
"To Henry Crawford they gave a different feeling. He longed to have been at sea, and seen and done and suffered as much. His heart was warmed, his fancy fired, and he felt the highest respect for a lad who, before he was twenty, had gone through such bodily hardships and given such proofs of mind. The glory of heroism, of usefulness, of exertion, of endurance, made his own habits of selfish indulgence appear in shameful contrast; and he wished he had been a William Price, distinguishing himself and working his way to fortune and consequence with so much self-respect and happy ardour, instead of what he was!"
Both here and at the end of the novel, Henry's moral perceptiveness leads to remorse for his own moral wrongdoings. Compare this to Willoughby's regret over Marianne:
"Willoughby could not hear of her marriage without a pang; and his punishment was soon afterwards complete in the voluntary forgiveness of Mrs. Smith, who, by stating his marriage with a woman of character, as the source of her clemency, gave him reason for believing that had he behaved with honour towards Marianne, he might at once have been happy and rich. That his repentance of misconduct, which thus brought its own punishment, was sincere, need not be doubted;—nor that he long thought of Colonel Brandon with envy, and of Marianne with regret. But that he was for ever inconsolable, that he fled from society, or contracted an habitual gloom of temper, or died of a broken heart, must not be depended on—for he did neither. He lived to exert, and frequently to enjoy himself. His wife was not always out of humour, nor his home always uncomfortable; and in his breed of horses and dogs, and in sporting of every kind, he found no inconsiderable degree of domestic felicity."
This sense/moral perceptiveness of Henry Crawford, and his experiencing remorse for his own wrongdoings sets him apart from the other Austen rakes. He's also not a drinker or a gambler; he does take at least minimal care of Everingham ("Everingham could not do without him in the beginning of September. He went for a fortnight") and did some modifications to it as soon as he got it. The same way Darcy's character is revealed as we see Pemberley, so the inflexion point of Henry's redemption attempt is his trying to become a better master of his estate:
For her approbation, the particular reason of his going into Norfolk at all, at this unusual time of year, was given. It had been real business, relative to the renewal of a lease in which the welfare of a large and—he believed—industrious family was at stake. He had suspected his agent of some underhand dealing; of meaning to bias him against the deserving; and he had determined to go himself, and thoroughly investigate the merits of the case. He had gone, had done even more good than he had foreseen, had been useful to more than his first plan had comprehended, and was now able to congratulate himself upon it, and to feel that in performing a duty, he had secured agreeable recollections for his own mind. He had introduced himself to some tenants whom he had never seen before; he had begun making acquaintance with cottages whose very existence, though on his own estate, had been hitherto unknown to him. This was aimed, and well aimed, at Fanny. It was pleasing to hear him speak so properly; here he had been acting as he ought to do. To be the friend of the poor and the oppressed! Nothing could be more grateful to her; and she was on the point of giving him an approving look, when it was all frightened off by his adding a something too pointed of his hoping soon to have an assistant, a friend, a guide in every plan of utility or charity for Everingham: a somebody that would make Everingham and all about it a dearer object than it had ever been yet. She turned away, and wished he would not say such things. She was willing to allow he might have more good qualities than she had been wont to suppose. She began to feel the possibility of his turning out well at last; but he was and must ever be completely unsuited to her, and ought not to think of her.
I have half an idea of going into Norfolk again soon. I am not satisfied about Maddison. I am sure he still means to impose on me if possible, and get a cousin of his own into a certain mill, which I design for somebody else. I must come to an understanding with him. I must make him know that I will not be tricked on the south side of Everingham, any more than on the north: that I will be master of my own property. I was not explicit enough with him before. The mischief such a man does on an estate, both as to the credit of his employer and the welfare of the poor, is inconceivable. I have a great mind to go back into Norfolk directly, and put everything at once on such a footing as cannot be afterwards swerved from. Maddison is a clever fellow; I do not wish to displace him, provided he does not try to displace me; but it would be simple to be duped by a man who has no right of creditor to dupe me, and worse than simple to let him give me a hard-hearted, griping fellow for a tenant, instead of an honest man, to whom I have given half a promise already. Would it not be worse than simple? Shall I go? Do you advise it?” “I advise! You know very well what is right.” “Yes. When you give me your opinion, I always know what is right. Your judgment is my rule of right.” “Oh, no! do not say so. We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be.
This is even more hammered in by the narrator: "Had he done as he intended, and as he knew he ought, by going down to Everingham after his return from Portsmouth, he might have been deciding his own happy destiny."
All these elements seem to point towards his being redeemable; he almost managed it! If only he'd gone to Everingham instead of London, catastrophic failure would have been averted! And yet at the same time we are told this:
Henry Crawford, ruined by early independence and bad domestic example, indulged in the freaks of a cold-blooded vanity a little too long. Once it had, by an opening undesigned and unmerited, led him into the way of happiness. Could he have been satisfied with the conquest of one amiable woman’s affections, could he have found sufficient exultation in overcoming the reluctance, in working himself into the esteem and tenderness of Fanny Price, there would have been every probability of success and felicity for him. His affection had already done something. Her influence over him had already given him some influence over her. Would he have deserved more, there can be no doubt that more would have been obtained, especially when that marriage had taken place, which would have given him the assistance of her conscience in subduing her first inclination, and brought them very often together. Would he have persevered, and uprightly, Fanny must have been his reward, and a reward very voluntarily bestowed, within a reasonable period from Edmund’s marrying Mary.
Ruined by early independence and bad domestic example. Mansfield Park is in a way a rather pessimist novel: it is a novel about education, and once your education has "set", your character is fixed, and your fate determined. Much of Maria and Julia's disgrace was also directly caused by their upbringing in a household where all importance was given to superficial qualities, and very little effective affection was shared; one can compare the restrained calm of Mansfield as a reflection of Sir Thomas' own unwillingness to see reality and give himself some discomfort in making others comfortable, with the bustle of the Musgrove household, and connect the dots to what makes the relationship between sisters Maria and Julia so different from the one between Louisa and Henrietta in similar situations.
In the end, it's a bit of a Schröedinger's cat situation. Can Henry reform? Yes, says Austen, he has the qualities needed for moral improvement, but no, his upbringing ruined him, and his character is fixed.
While this idea is the strongest in MP, it is present one way or another in all Austen's novels. Characters reforming is usually more about one specific quality or moral tone not being fine tuned than proper metanoia. Darcy was taught to do right, and did right; what he needed was to add proper humility and kindness to his practice. There is an exception, though, the one thing Charlotte Brontë and Jane Austen agree upon: a close brush with death is the best recipe for moral cure in the otherwise incurable.
Maybe the key is to wish Henry a good pneumonia, or a strong horsefall-induced concussion.
_____________
*On a side note, it's interesting that before he proposes, he considers how attached Fanny is to Mansfield, as undeserving as he thinks the Bertrams to be of her affection, and even draws a plan that contemplates giving her pleasure that way too: "I will not take her from Northamptonshire. I shall let Everingham, and rent a place in this neighbourhood; perhaps Stanwix Lodge."
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There's something in the differing emphasis that Brad and Hunter and Charles place on the phrase "good guy" that really affected me on my first watch and hit even harder on my second. I'm going to try and put it into words.
When Brad and Hunter say it, they say "we're good guys", as in, good at everything a guy "should" be good at - good at sports, popular with the ladies, on their way to a good university. But they turn out to be total shitheads. They don't care about being "good", they just care about their reputation, how they're perceived. It's status and power - they're good guys and they feel entitled to do whatever they want.
But when Charles, feeling betrayed by this reveal of their character, says he wanted them to be good guys, the emphasis is completely different. Charles wants to be a "good guy". He doesn't want to be a "bad guy".
The emphasis is on good, because that's really the crux of Charles' greatest fears, isn't it?
When Charles wants to be a good guy, he doesn't mean it the way Brad and Hunter do; that veneer of goodness that comes with popularity. He means that nothing he did was ever good enough for his dad. Doing the good thing and helping that kid his "friends" were beating up literally got him killed. Trying to stop Devlin only got him trapped in the loop, stuck until his friends freed him, only able to watch helplessly as a mother and her innocent children get slashed to death before his eyes.
And it's this helplessness that is the thing that truly sets him off at the end of episode 4.
It always struck me just how much of his breakdown there, for as much as he finally gives a voice to his own hurt at the injustice of his situation, was still about other people. Because he was secure-ish, at one point, when he was Edwin's partner and protector. He thought he did a good job at it anyways, but guess not, because something obviously happened with Edwin and he's not talking to him about it. And he likes to think he did good with solving cases, but Crystal is still hurting and haunted by a demon and nearly threw herself off a cliff earlier that day because she wants her parents so badly, and he's no closer to helping her solve that. And all of it, every single part of it, is a reflection of his own unresolved trauma; that he never "made it better" and he can't, so now he tries to be good enough for other people, but that isn't working anymore either, and now someone is threatening to take Edwin away, and even this final shocking act of anger and violence is still in service of protecting; of saving someone from the suffering he was never able to escape except by fucking dying.
His anger, really, stems from the injustice of it all, and the abuse of power by guys who can get away with it because they're guys, when they should've, could've, been good to others instead. It's a large part of why he projected so strongly onto Brad and Hunter - they did everything right, they were good guys who got screwed over, because even if everyone seems to love you, there's always that one person you can never please, right? Who will hurt you, no matter how good you are. When it's revealed that Brad and Hunter are far more like his bullies, like Devlin, like his dad, than he'd thought - controlling, intolerant, cruel to those who "step out of line" - Charles feels betrayed and horrified because he related to them... so what does that say about him?
But here's one major difference that Charles does not seem to recognize well. Charles has never had the power in these situations. He was the victim, and his being the victim is through no fault of his own, but the fault of those who decided to be cruel. It is certainly not contingent on how good he is. Being good in the eyes of people who want to hurt you will not stop them from hurting you.
When he lashes out at the Night Nurse, it's out of helplessness and rage. Once again, he's pitted against someone who holds more power than he does and is threatening harm, and he's just been bitterly, brutally reminded that a smile and a helping hand and a firm word never, ever worked to make it stop. There's only one other way he can think of to shift the balance of power, and he's finally livid enough to actually do it. This violence is a desperate attempt to finally overcome yet another force much greater than him, a transdimensional entity that has unjustly arrived to take his best friend to Hell. And Charles wins, he did it, he stopped her, at least for the moment. But at what cost, when he looks at his friends and can't tell whether they look more scared for him or of him? And can he blame them, when he's clearly scared of his own anger and how overwhelming it is now that it's been let out?
Because he tries so hard to be good and it's never good enough to stop the suffering. Because that anger rose to the surface so easily and maybe that means he's not good at all.
But of course, Charles once again misses something important here - there is a distinction in why that anger exists. His dad, Devlin, and Brad and Hunter get angry because their power over others makes them feel they have a right to punish when things don't go their way. Charles gets angry because he feels more helpless than he'd care to admit, and seeing cruelty inflicted onto others by those with power makes him want to cut them down to size.
And herein lies the second major difference. Charles... is a kind person, at heart. He's genuine. He really does likes helping out, he likes making people happy, he doesn't turn people away who need help, he's friendly and protective. The scene where Edwin pulls him out of his fear that he's somehow bad even though he really doesn't want to be, is outright one of my favourite scenes for what it brings to both of their characters. Edwin knows exactly what to say. While it's always good to check your behaviour, to apologize and take accountability - because no one can be good all the time, and even the most well-intentioned of us will mess up sometimes - Edwin is right.
"Bad guys do not worry about being bad guys."
#storyrambles#hope this made sense. ended up being a lot longer than i meant it to whew.#anyways. charles you mean so much to me :')#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#dbda meta#I FORGOT MY BELOVED ANALYSIS TAG ->#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.
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Malleus Draconia and the Cognitive Dissonance of being a Lonely Prince
A character analysis exploring Malleus’ conflicting views of self
Malleus has two primary characteristics that are significant to his identity: (1) His role as a highly revered, feared, and praised mage & prince and (2) His loneliness and social/emotional isolation.
In Malleus’ concept of identity, these two characteristics are in conflict with each other, despite one somewhat being caused by the other. How can a person reconcile the fact that they are supposedly extraordinarily special, talented, attractive (this is canon in universe btw lol), intelligent, beyond powerful, etc. - essentially a perfect prince - with the fact that they have no friends and barely anyone who cares about them (excluding those he feels are obligated to care)?
Malleus has no strong emotional connection with anyone that is not his family (I include Lilia in this category) or one of his guards (who, in spite of Sebek’s protests, is basically obligated - socially or role wise - to respect and love him). Now, I don’t think any of these relationships is obligatory or disingenuous in any way. Lilia, Silver, and Sebek all genuinely love and care for Malleus. However, I’d argue that isn’t how Malleus sees it (I’ll get into this later).
First, I wanna go into the first characteristic I mentioned, him being revered (+feared) because of his status and capabilities.
Before I even get into him as an individual, let’s look at how Malleus himself perceives the mere status of royalty:
Malleus believes (I suppose because of his personal circumstances) that people who are royalty inherently deserve respect. He even extends this to Leona, who he has a (playfully?) hostile relationship with. I don’t think there’s canon indication that this necessarily means he looks down on people of non-noble birth or anything, but he’s still stuck on this idea that, in certain respects, royalty does deserve better than the average person.
Clearly, this would extend to himself as well. Part of his self-image is kind of decided from birth (in an interesting parallel to Leona who believes that his own status as a second son decides his fate from birth) because he is raised in this environment where he is constantly told that he is better than others, simply because he is a prince.
That said, Malleus takes being royalty and a leader very seriously. I’d argue he believes that because he is ‘better’ than others, he has certain responsibilities and duties that he must complete, as shown above.
Part of this also means that Malleus takes himself very seriously - he isn’t allowed to even try to be normal, because he always has to keep himself in check. Anything he does will reflect poorly upon himself and his family, and this is something Lilia reminds him of.
Here’s where I’ll talk about Malleus’ relationships with the rest of Diasomnia.
Now, Lilia is clearly the person who treats him the most casually and normally. He knows Malleus very well, to the point where he can read his emotions - namely his jealously/bitterness/frustration after being left out of something.
Lilia encourages Malleus the most to try and have normal experiences. He understands Malleus’ loneliness, and wants him to make friends - to seek out more than he could have all alone in his castle. But, Lilia also has times where he acts as more than a mere guardian to Malleus. I can’t find the screenshot, but I remember Lilia reminding Malleus about what behaviour is and is not befitting of an heir, so that aspect of their relationship is still something to take note of. Even Lilia, who understands him better than anyone, still must wish for him to be the best heir and prince (sometimes sacrificing his own wants, although Lilia probably does this the least considering he knows Malleus’ feelings).
It’s no exaggeration to say that Sebek worships Malleus to the highest extent (just look at the portrait of him in his room). The way Sebek talks about him isn’t at all like a friend or even family - Malleus is a god to him. I argue that Sebek’s behaviour specifically (he would cry if he knew this) distances him the most from Malleus emotionally.
This will be explored more later on, but what Malleus wants is to be treated somewhat normally, at least by a few people he can be close with. Sebek does the opposite of this. While the students who are scared of Malleus isolate him because of their fear, Sebek actually accidentally isolates him because of his dedication and worship. Thus, both Sebek and others isolate Malleus through their treatment of him because of his position/status/strength.
Malleus certainly cares for Sebek, but I don’t believe he thinks of him as a genuine friend (and that’s not meant as a way to dismiss the relationship they do have, just that he doesn’t view Sebek as caring about him as a person rather than him as a prince/mage). How can he, when Sebek constantly acts like a fanboy around him?
Now let’s look at Malleus and Silver.
Silver addresses Malleus as either ‘housewarden’ or ‘master.’ Again, to my previous point about Sebek, I think this does point to Silver and Malleus’ relationship not exactly being a friendship. However, I think differently to Sebek, Silver does have more of a personal relationship with Malleus.
He treats Malleus with respect and formality, but he isn’t over the top with it. I’d argue they have a sort of ‘mentor-student’ relationship in a way; not exactly that, but you understand my point. Silver looks up to Malleus as a person, and Malleus is willing to teach Silver about things. I almost want to say they’re a bit like a younger and older sibling, but I think a bit of the closeness/familiarity is lacking (at least for now). The relationship still has a bit of a formality to it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t personal. I won’t spoil for those who haven’t read book 7, but I think their relationship becomes more clear there, iykyk.
I know most of Malleus’ vignettes are played for a joke, but holy shit they make me sad. You can tell that ever since he enrolled, if he wasn’t sharing a class with Lilia, Malleus has basically had to work alone for everything. Even here, Cater is only asking Mal if he wants to join his group so he can use Malleus for Magicam clout. Everyone is so scared of him that he’s never had a partner and he’s even gotten used to it. It might not seem that serious, but honestly - sorry to be crude - this kind of thing does fuck you up, especially while growing up.
Think about how Malleus feels - being the outcast and genuinely having no friends feels humiliating and depressing. It makes you think there’s something wrong with you, and that’s the way I choose to interpret the other aspect of his character. His passive acceptance to social isolation and rejection is a constant among his vignettes - anytime someone brings this up, he’ll say it’s fine and he’s used to it.
Another relationship worth noting is Malleus’ grandmother - his only living blood relative. Something that stood out to me (and I could be reading too much into this) but Malleus really feels surprised that his grandmother would take time to write her only family member a happy birthday letter?
That’s very sad to me, and I think it’s a reflection of both the expectation Malleus feels is placed on them as royals and his feeling that he as an individual (not as a prince) is inherently less important than any royals duties. He seems to think this way about himself too, treating his princely duties as always more important than anything he would want personally. A letter is a small gesture, and Malleus doesn’t even expect that from his grandmother.
I’ll use this to segue to discussing Malleus’ insecurity and social isolation.
Ever since he was a child, Malleus has been isolated from others. Before he was feared and before he was worshiped, Malleus was lonely. That’s clear to anyone. Now, I want to talk about how this loneliness and isolation has affected his self-image.
Examining his personal relationships, how the rest of the school sees him, and his own views on royalty and himself, I think it’s clear Malleus, on one regard, seems at first glance to think highly of himself. He isn’t arrogant or boastful. Rather, he just is very extraordinary in many aspects.
But, that surface level interpretation completely leaves out the other side of him. While he might excel in skills, Malleus fails on all regards in terms of relationships. It’s clear, no matter how much he says he doesn’t care or that he’s accepted it, that it hurts Malleus every time he is excluded from something.
He tries to hide that he’s upset that he missed the orientation ceremony, but Lilia remarks that it’s clear how jealous he is that Sebek got to attend. When Lilia reminds him that there’s always next year, Malleus immediately dismisses the possibility that he will ever be invited. In his birthday vignette, he states that he hates eating entire cakes and becomes upset when Yuu brings up the fact that they aren’t meant to be eaten alone because he knows. He knows just how lonely and isolated he is compared to everyone else and he hates.
Malleus has mostly given up and accepted that he will ever fit in. He is pessimistic, but to say he does not hope isn’t entirely correct. Later in the vignette, although he may be half-joking, Malleus remarks that Leona may have stopped by to invite him to a party - he’s even excited by the prospect. And again, he is let down. Leona even taunts him spot-on for his greatest insecurity (isn’t he just so dreamy?).
Now, while this does offend Malleus to a degree (see their catfight where he basically threatens to declaw Leona), I get the feeling that this kind of interaction with someone who views him as an equal (or at least, isn’t intimidated nor awed by him in the slightest) is probably pretty refreshing for Malleus. In a way, you get the sense that he enjoys that back and forth with him, because this goes back to Mal’s wish to be accepted and have friends to talk with.
Anyway, to return to my main point: Malleus’ deep loneliness and failure to fit in has likely caused some deep rooted feelings of insecurity (Note: I want to make a separate post on this because it’s kind of a lot, but I think this also contributes to his anxious attachment style). Malleus likely feels unwanted, despite all the great things about him that make people like Sebek fanboy over him.
No matter how powerful Malleus becomes, no matter how many people worship him, Malleus will always feel worthless deep down because no one will accept him for who he is.
The kind of insecurity and loneliness that pervades your life for years and follows you around everywhere isn’t something you can just shake off. No matter how much he tries to reassure himself that he is enough, he’ll never quite be able to quiet the voice in his head telling him that he is wanted by nobody and that he deserves nothing, that things are this way because he is not worth loving.
To conclude, how can Malleus reconcile these two sides of himself - the parts that know he is something great (worthy of worship and praise, even) and the parts that tell him he is worth nothing? Both sides are so extreme, people worship him but almost everyone avoids him. I feel that’s something Malleus must struggle with a lot - trying to hold on to the view of himself as a good prince while feeling that slip away when he becomes emotional.
Thanks for reading if you got this far! Let me know if you disagree or think I got anything wrong, this is just my thoughts and my opinions and I’m open to changing them :)
#malleus draconia#twst malleus#lilia vanrouge#sebek zigvolt#twst silver#twst analysis#twst character analysis#twst#twisted wonderland#k. character analysis
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Thank you everyone for the big support on the RE2 Leon post! I was honestly blown away by all the nice comments I got 🥺💕
And now I'm back for more ^^
Hope you enjoy!
gn reader
tw yandere, obsession, over-protectiveness, possessiveness, heavily implied murder, implied stalking, kidnapping, jealousy
General Yandere! RE4 Leon headcanons
Above all else, Yandere! RE4 Leon is very protective of you, the dearest person in his life. To a very unhealthy degree.
He has always been protective but a lot has changed since his first day as a rookie. Leon has seen a lot, he knows how truly horrifying and cruel the world can be. He knows what dangers lurk in the shadows, just waiting for an opportunity to strike and snatch away his beloved.
He doesn't want you to go through what he has. He wants you to be safe at all costs. He simply can't risk losing you, you're everything to him. You're what keeps him grounded, the one beacon of light in the darkness that threatens to consume him every day.
His many missions have broken him, Leon is not the same person he used to be and that too reflects in subtle changes in his yandere behaviour.
He remains very protective, insanely so, but it´s not quite in the same way as RE2 Leon was. He has become pretty jaded and that also translates to him being more merciless when it comes to shooting down anyone that could be perceived as a threat.
There´s no more slight hesitation before going through with killing someone and pulling the trigger, no deliberation, he won´t leave even a sliver of a chance of something hurting you and that extends to zombies, cultists, or rude strangers alike.
He still likes showing off in front of you, proving to you how capable and reliable he is, but he would rather avoid having you witness him getting rid of the latter ones.
He´s sure you won´t object to him getting rid of horrifying eldritch horrors but he fears your naivete won´t allow you to see the other dangers lurking right around the corner. People everywhere that are secretly out to hurt you. People that have bad intentions. People that try to get between the two of you.
He certainly won´t forgive that friend of yours that told you how "scary" Leon´s glare was whenever he looked at someone that wasn´t you. And isn´t it weird that he´s somehow always there whenever you´re in trouble? And they could have sworn they saw him standing outside your window back when you had your sleepover at your house...
Of course Leon couldn´t let this continue any longer. What if you started listening to them and tried to keep your distance? Leon couldn´t bear that. How is he supposed to make sure you´re safe if you won´t let him?
He knows he needs to do something about this so-called friend of yours. Maybe at first he will start "small" and simply start incriminating them for crimes they didn´t commit. It´s truly scary how little you know about your friends, right? Who would have thought that they would turn out to be a criminal?
Leon hopes that will be enough to make them stay away but if they´re particularly persistent... Well, he knows just how to deal with obstacles that are in his way. His position as a special agent gives him plenty of opportunities to make that person simply disappear from all records after mysteriously vanishing.
But don´t worry, Leon will be right by your side, holding you tight and mourning the loss of your friend right with you. It´s really so terrible what happened to them but at least you have him! And he won´t ever leave you.
Now of course, if you yourself were acting difficult, continuously getting yourself into danger, ignoring all of his advice ( don´t leave your house without him. always keep him updated on what you´re currently doing. never go on a date with a stranger..) or avoiding him in any way, Leon would feel forced to take some drastic measures to ensure that you´ll always remain safe and his alone.
While RE2 Leon would not have gone so far as to kidnap you, RE4 Leon absolutely would. It would not be his first choice but in this case, he feels like there is no other way. He would rather keep you locked up for the rest of your life than lose you. He just cannot bear ever having to live without you, now that he has found you.
You´re the only good thing in his life and he´ll be damned if he´ll let anything happen to you.
Of course he understands why you´re mad at him afterwards and it breaks his heart to see you upset with him, but he´ll suffer through it all in the hopes that you´ll one day understand why he had to do what he did.
He´s sure you will come around to him one day and then you´ll finally live the happy life he you both always wanted. In the meantime, he´ll treat you with gentle care ( well, as gentle as Leon can be. His displays of affection are still pretty awkward and stilted even though he tries very hard) and makes sure all your needs are met.
He´ll also let you get away with many things like screaming at him, ignoring him or backing away from his touch, as long as you don´t try to escape him. You may hate him at the moment, but at least nothing can get in here and hurt you while he´s constantly monitoring you.
Leon hopes that one day you´ll be able to move on from this and become a normal couple, but he doesn´t really mind having you all to himself with no prying eyes right now. He´s very possessive too and he´d just hate having to get rid of another stranger that looked at you a second too long for his tastes.
#leon s kennedy#yandere leon kennedy x reader#resident evil#leon kennedy x reader#yandere resident evil x reader#yandere resident evil#yandere leon kennedy#resident evil 4#resident evil 4 remake#yandere x reader#cw yandere#yandere#male yandere#gn reader#cw obsession#cw possessiveness#cw stalking#cw murder#cw kidnapping#cw jealousy
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izuku x f!reader. reader is referred to as wife, he is referred to as husband, reader has a defined and briefly mentioned career. wife guy deku compilation indeed.
Hey, have you seen this?
Your screen lights up with a text message from one of your closest friends, another message with a link to a video following quickly after and you tilt your head to the side at your desk reading the title of the video.
“Deku Wife Guy Compilation”
It makes you chuckle to see these terms stitched together, something that would probably not make much sense to your blissfully offline-as-he-can-be husband, but you understand what it means and press the link to open the video. It takes a moment to load and you jiggle your foot impatiently as it does, abandoning what you were last working on to focus as he comes onto the rectangle screen.
“My wife is the best,” filters through your phone speakers as clear as day and you smile despite yourself, the familiar butterflies you get every time you look at him blooming beneath your ribs.
“First of all, I want to thank my wife.”
“My wife is the true savior in our household, she’s a doctor…”
“My beautiful ____, my wife, my heart.”
“None of this would be possible without my wife so please give her a hand.”
It’s a three minute video stitching together every time he has mentioned you in victory speeches and press interviews and the like and it makes you wonder what people could be saying. You’re no stranger to running into the stray hater online yet you scroll down to the comments section, eyes widening when you see it filled with nothing but admiration for the strong foundation of love your marriage is built upon.
iluvchargebolt: man, i hope i’m loved like this someday :’)
momospantyliner: The way his eyes light up when he says her name at 0:48…beautiful.
Allmightisalright07: Reminds me of how i used to talk about my wife when she was still with us. They are certainly soulmates.
In comparison to other comment sections you’ve scanned in the past, this one makes you feel very warm in comparison and you feel the need to look away after being perceived by so many people who don’t even know you. Izuku’s love is so evident for you even strangers see it from a mile away, they can hear it in the soft way his tongue caresses your name like he’s kissing you every time he says it.
You put your phone down and turn back to your work, letting the video play over the speaker just to hear his voice when your screen lights up again and vibrates on top of your desk. Another text from the same friend, another link.
There are 10 of these omg
Another link pops up on your screen in a blue bubble, this time to a playlist containing videos in the same fashion as the first. Deku Wifeguy Compilation 1-10. Giggling to yourself, you press play and let the playlist run, each video growing in length with the shortest at 3 minutes and the longest at just over 10, your eyes widening realizing that he loves you so much there are videos worth of him simply stating it over and over and over again.
The same compulsion that led you to check the comments section on the first video takes over and you decide to pause the playlist and read, scanning the comments for anything you could potentially use as fodder to be angry about later.
shotopleasereturnmycalls: damn…i really am single.
Redriotsarmpithair9680: Love like this is rare. So glad our beacon of hope has a safe place to land after he’s done keeping us safe <3
You don’t dare to go any further lest you do see something you won’t like, keeping the video paused and locking your phone to set it aside and reflect. It’s strange to live a life so public and private all at once, hiding some parts and sharing the others, but you’re grateful the most consistent thing about Izuku is that he has never wanted to do anything but shine his light on you, to make you the spotlight of his world and everything about him.
Abruptly you pick your phone up and slide the screen upward, the messages app filling your screen. You click out of the thread with your friend and into the one with Izuku and you type out three simple words, the ones that you feel all day every day.
You: I love you.
Miles away, he looks down at his phone screen and snaps a quick picture of himself grinning, scrunching his nose, freckles barely visible thanks to the low light and bad angle but it’s all him - silly and sweet and sincere. He sends it off with the three simple words he feels about you in return, all day every day.
Izuku: I love you too, my perfect wife.
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。°✩ ♊︎ The Gemini♊︎ ✩ °。
Chapter 10
May 20th
Series masterlist
Previous part: Star Crossed Lover
Word Count: 11,175
Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Allusions of sex, mentions of violence, and abuse recovery.
After a long hot shower, Steve stood in front of the bathroom sink. With nothing but a towel around his waist and his bathroom door wide open to let out the trapped steam, he very carefully inspected his face through the still semi- foggy mirror as he shaved.
Often times he hated the hassle of being clean shaven, and wished he could get away with having a beard- or even just some stubble again without people making weird comments about it. But if the masses felt safer with a less hairy version of Cap, who was he to not give the people what he wanted?
Eventually he got lost in how silly it was that the avengers appearances meant so much in regard to how the public perceives them, but the sound of his front door unlocking and opening pulled him right back.
"Hey, Love Bug!" Steve happily called out to you.
Blissfully unaware of what you were going to walk into, you saw the reflection of a half naked super soldier through the bathroom mirror the moment you entered his soapy smelling apartment.
The closest you had ever gotten to even seeing the man shirtless was if he reached to grab something up high or stretched and his shirt would rise to reveal an inch or two of his lower belly, so the sight of water still dripping down his pecs caused a totally normal reaction.
A high pitched screech and the sound of your hand slapping over your eyes caused Steve to physically jolt, then nearly hunch over in a booming laugh when he turned to look at you.
Standing in your Avengers suit with rosy skin, and a big smile stretched across your cheeks, you started fanning your face. "I thought you said you were almost ready! I wouldn't have barged in here had you not texted me 10 minutes ago saying that!"
"Do I not look almost ready to you?" Steve's laugh prevailed at your reaction, motioning up and down at his towel covered body.
"Almost ready to be a Baywatch lifeguard? Maybe. Go on a mission? Absolutely not." You continued with a loud voice and defensive hand motions. "Your hair is still wet!"
"It'll dry" He shrugged with a giggle. "I just need to put my suit on, it'll take two minutes."
"Is it hot in here?" You questioned, going back to fanning your face with your hand. "Or is it just you?"
Now it was Steve's turn to blush. "I don't know, it started getting pretty hot when you walked in"
"You know what? That was pretty smooth for you." You said, feeling proud of him for finally being brave enough to flirt. You dropped your duffle by the door, "Good job, Stevenson. I'm proud."
He watched you stride into his bedroom, getting closer to where he stood. Happy with the distance closing and assuming you would be greeting him with a hug, or maybe even a kiss if he was really lucky, a pout settled deep into his lips and brows as you belly flopped onto his bed instead.
"What the hell, man?" Steve questioned sadly.
You looked over at him, momentarily confused. He crossed his arms around his chest as you tried to understand what you did to elicit this response from him.
"Now I'm freezing cold." He joked playfully, looking at himself in the mirror again and grabbing a tube of hair balm and squeezing some onto his fingers.
Realizing what you had done, you got up from the bed and wrapped your arms around him from behind as he spread the product into his freshly washed dirty-blonde locks. Feeling the soft, warm skin of his tummy on the palms of your hands was a feeling you knew would be highly addictive. Your cheek rested on his smooth back and you let out a content sigh. "Hi, Stevie. I missed you."
"I missed you too" Steve grinned, rinsing the excess product off his hands under the faucet and patting them dry before placing his hands on your arms. "It's so warm and lovely here, huh?"
"It's perfect" you agreed with a smile. Rocking up on your tippy toes to look over his shoulder and into the mirror, you took a selfish moment to admire the parts of him you've never seen before.
There was a lot of effort on your end to keep the drool inside your mouth as your eyes inspected his broad shoulders and strong chest. "You have beautiful eyes."
"Thank you, pretty girl." Steve giggled at your statement as he could see clear as day that you definitely weren't looking at his eyes. "First time in your new suit, huh? It looks great!"
"It feels great too, so much more comfortable than my old one." You told him, regretfully releasing him from your arms and finding your way back to his bed and sitting crisscrossed on top of it.
“And your first Avengers mission! It's a big day." Steve left the bathroom and started gathering all the pieces of his suit. "Are you nervous?"
"Considering it's just us two on the mission, I'm not as nervous as I think I would be if it was with the whole team." You explained. "But I always get a just a little nervous before missions."
"I get that too, the jitters." Steve scrunched up his nose. "I'm extra nervous for this one"
"Why? It should be easy peasy!" You rationalized.
"I've seen your mission stats and felt first hand how hard you hit, you intimidate me." Steve admitted with a giggle. "I have to be on my best behavior to try and keep up with you."
"Are you actually insane?" You questioned, raising an eyebrow. "You're Captain America you dumb bitch, nobody can ever compare to you. I'm the one that has to work extra hard here."
Stopping in place, Steve gasped and placed an offended hand over his heart. "What did you just call me?"
"Captain America?"
"No, the other thing."
"Oh, a dumb bitch!" You said happily.
"How dare you" Steve joked, shaking his head. His eyes stayed on all the pieces of his suit that were lying on the bed, next to where you were sitting.
"I'm offended that you even had that thought."
"You're offended that I think you're good at what you do?" Steve quipped.
"Do I need to remind you again that you're Captain America?" You asked, pointing to the star on the suit next to you. "Maybe if you put that on you'll finally remember."
"I do need to put that on." Steve agreed with you, still standing and hovering over the suit.
"So why aren't you?" You asked.
"I'm really shy" Steve whispered to you, emphasizing his point.
"Oh, now you're shy!" You chuckled, turning around to face the opposite direction and covered your eyes with the palms of your hands. "I promise I won't look."
"I'll be fast!" Steve declared. A smile spread on your face as you heard his towel hit the ground, happily knowing he trusted you enough to not take a peek, but also imagining him scrambling to get into his clothes as fast as he could.
There were a few moments when all you heard was fabric rustling, then you heard a few sounds of struggle. "You okay back there? Sounds like you're fighting the uniform instead of fighting in the uniform."
"Either I'm getting bigger or these pants are getting smaller because I swear every time I put them on it's a workout just to get my ass in them" Steve admitted, voice straining as he was stuffing, pulling, and stretching. Then, you heard a zipper and a buckle. "Okay, mission accomplished, you will no longer be traumatized if you look."
You laughed at his commentary and turned back around, all he managed so far was his pants, but he was more dressed than he was in the towel. "I think those pants are the perfect size for your butt."
Luckily, slipping his undershirt over his head shielded his pink cheeks from you. "That implies that you're looking at my butt."
"I'm looking at your pants, they just so happen to be right in front of your butt. That's not my fault." You corrected. "And even if I was ogling at your cheeks, you've seen mine as bare as the day I was born so I think it's only fair."
"I saw all the places the sun don't shine" More zippers, more buttons, more buckles, more pieces, "I never said there was anything wrong with sneaking a peek."
"So you're not that shy after all" You grinned.
"Did you look over the mission briefing?" Steve asked, trying to change the topic of conversation away from his butt.
"Of course I did, like a good little agent"
"Avenger" Steve corrected happily with a lopsided smile.
"Avenger." You agreed, watching him put on his fingerless gloves.
"And thank you, that makes my job easier. So you know-"
"12 hours to get in, secure the payload, take out the traitors, destroy enemy lines, get out. We'll have a little sleepover in Colorado, we'll be home by noon tomorrow. Easy peasy!"
"Very good, most of the avengers don't pay attention to any of that information unless I verbalize it to them." Steve giggled, attaching his shield to his back after putting on his boots. "The terrain will have high elevation so we might get have a pretty big increase in altitude, it'll also be really cold- if not snowing. Are you prepared for that?"
"I checked the weather and packed accordingly."
"Ugh, I love you." Steve sighed, so happy to finally have a teammate he didn't have to babysit.
"I love you too." You giggled, standing up knowing it was time to go.
"Ready to head out?" Steve asked, walking towards the door.
Following behind him, you stop him at the door. "Wait!"
"What's wrong?" He asks with an adorably confused and concerned face.
You rocked up on your tippy toes and gave him a quick kiss. "Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system before we left."
Steve smiled. "You shouldn't be saying sorry, I should be saying thank you."
His dead serious tone made you laugh as he picked up both your duffles at the door while you opened it. "Get in the Jet, Twinkles, we have crime to fight!"
"Yes, Ma'am!"
Over the past few weeks, all of the avengers have been a substantial part of your successful and smooth transition onto the team, but especially Steve. There wasn't one scary step you had to take where he wasn't right next to you metaphorically, or physically holding your hand.
Through extensive paperwork, doctor's appointments, media training, and press conferences, he was right there to help you through it. Whether it was covering your shivering body with warm, fluffy blankets after having a fever from getting multiple rare vaccines just in case you had to travel to all sorts of different places around the world, or practicing answers to common questions the press loved to shout out to speakers at conferences, he was happy to guide you down the right paths.
After giving your face a few days to heal from the attack, you were getting slathered in thick layers of concealer and foundation before Tony introduced the general public to you, the newest Avenger. That day in particular was hard.
You were nearing a full blown panic attack while sitting in a hair and makeup chair. The makeup artist struggled at first to cover the fresh scars on your face, and you were so wrapped up in your own head about the public's reaction to you that your mom who sat in the audience, came back in the green room just to hold your hand and remind you of how great you were.
Though your Mom was one of your biggest comforts throughout your entire life, nothing compared to the calmness that washed over you when Steve entered the room. He sat right next to your mom as the stylist finished up your hair, and talked you through how the next hour of your life would go, and reminded you that he would be right in the front row next to your mom for support.
Their bright smiling faces encouraged you to be brave enough to push through the hard parts, and reminded you to bask in the joy of the warm welcome you got from the whole country.
That was also the same day your mom caught onto what was really happening, and found a few moments to ask you if you and Steve were dating when he slipped away to speak to a reporter. Then not too long after that, you and Steve mutually agreed that it would be best if the blossoming relationship between the two of you stayed private for a while as you adjusted to the public eye.
Though you knew he was still too nervous and shy around you for PDA, you still found the extent of his consideration of you to be so very sweet.
And now the two of you were at the point of the scars on your face healing nicely, first mission together underway, and he still hasn't kissed you first.
It was concerning to you for a little while there, so much so that you even went to Bucky to ask him for some knowledge from his 100 year old archive of Steve Rogers knowledge and expertise. He reassured you through plenty of experience that Steve just really sucked at being confident around girls he found himself pining over, and you, for some reason, damn near knocked him head over heels every time he looked at you. Though you were flattered and understood Bucky's words probably came vicariously through Steve's own mouth, you knew you just had to be gentle and give him some time.
Luckily for Steve, you had all the time in the world for such a sweet creature. Except for today, today the two of you only had 12 hours to complete your tasks.
Just as expected, the mission was going as smoothly as it possibly could. Well, for you it was. Steve on the other hand found a whole new set of struggles out on the field he's never experienced before.
The two of you went at it with the good ol' divide and conquer method. Though teamwork and sticking together was more his usual style, he understood the time frame and importance of getting it all done as fast and clean as possible, and he trusted that you would be perfectly fine on your own.
What he didn't consider was the moments your paths crossed and how flustered he got watching you fight. It was like watching a hot steak knife cut through room temperature butter, nobody stood a chance against you. A billion different emotions flew at him as he witnessed you fighting with his own eyes for the first time. His instinct was to protect you at all costs, but he knew damn well you didn't need him. It was simultaneously the hottest thing he had ever seen, while also kicking his own confidence down a notch considering all his thoughts revolved around you and that made his own good decision making decline rapidly.
He nearly died on the spot as he ran past you right as you took down an opponent, and still found the chance to wink at him as he passed by. Weak in the knees, he still had to find the strength to keep going.
Then with all rooms cleared minus the one with the payload, your voice filled his comms and the two of you agreed to clear it out together. A few hours deep into the mission your familiar chipper tone was now a bit deeper and raspier from the elevation and cold cold weather, all it did was make his weak knees even weaker.
By the time he ran into the room that you stormed into without waiting for him first, you were already combating with about 4 guys twice the size of you. One by one they fell to the ground, and as you came face to face with the very last of the enemies, Steve knocked him out before you could even raise your fist.
"Oh, thanks!" You smiled, standing a little straighter while trying to catch your breath.
"You were doing pretty shitty without me, thought I'd lend a hand" Steve joked, big cheeky smile on his face. He was genuinely happy to see you in your element, this was the first time he ever witnessed you be completely confident.
"My hero!" You swooned, pretending to fall backwards into his arms.
Steve giggled before looking around the room and spotting the briefcase they needed to recover. Carefully picking it up, he realized they had a few moments to just relax now that none of their opponents were conscious. "In all seriousness, remember how I said I was intimidated by you this morning? That still stands. I can barely concentrate."
"You're ridiculous, but you're doing great." You smiled, panting while you reached up to squeeze his shoulder. "I'm not used to fighting alongside teammates who actually try to get the job done. It's actually really nice. Thanks, Cap."
"Get used to it, this is how it's going to be from now on." He reminded you. "It should be pretty smooth from here on out, we'll be out of here in no time."
After destroying classified information, and tying up all the loose ends, out of there they were. By the time the two of you made it to the hotel for, as you loved to call it, your sleepover, that's when Steve finally got his chance to shine by talking care of everything.
Check in, carrying the bags, even letting you shower first while he got dinner for the two of you so you didn't have to think about anything. Acts of service was how he best knew to express his love for others, and he could tell you always appreciated it. Especially when you were used to taking care of all of your former teammates on missions.
By the time you got your sore body out of the shower and dressed in the coziest of sweats and fresh fluffy socks, it was already almost midnight and Steve already had a delicious meal waiting for you. The two of you ate together, and the exhaustion hit you so hard that you were hysterically laughing about things that weren't even funny, which made Steve laugh right along with you.
It was such a nice change of pace for the both of you. Being able to let go of the mental weight after days of battle was hard to do, but each other's company made it easy. It made you wonder why you didn't agree to be an Avenger way sooner, and it made you realize how much you just wanted to keep Steve around you forever and ever.
He knew when your giggles subsided with one big yawn, it was probably time for you to get some sleep. When he got up to take a shower, you didn't hesitate to dive into bed and make yourself cozy. By the time he got out, also cozy in some warm sweats, a content smile stretched across his face when he saw your sleeping frame all snuggled up in the blankets to keep warm.
It was starting to snow out, and the heater tried its best to keep it warm, but nothing beat the warmth of each other. Which is why Steve made the executive decision to completely ignore one of the two beds in the room and slide underneath the covers with you.
As carefully as he could to not wake you up, he reached over to turn the lights off, then cuddled you to you. He pulled your back to his front and held you snuggly against him, just as his head hit the pillow, your quiet sleepy voice pulled his attention to you.
"Yay, Stevie sleepover!" You enthused with barely any energy. The juxtaposition was more than amusing to the soldier.
"Buggy bedtime!" He quietly enthused with you. "Sorry, I tried so hard not to wake you up."
"I'm so happy I'm awake, because now I'm aware of how warm and cozy this is." You mumbled, Grabbing onto one of his arms and hugging in between yours.
"How are you feeling?" Steve asked. "Need anything before we sleep?"
"Just a little sore, but I'm totally okay. I actually feel really good." You confessed. "How 'bout you? Are you okay?"
"Not even a scratch." You could hear the grin in his tired voice. "You were incredible today, I'm really proud of you"
"You taught me everything I know." You tried getting impossibly closer to him, feeling like you were halfway between the real world and dream land.
"Hey..." Steve adjusted his arm from you grip so he could reach your face.
"Hmm?" You questioned, half asleep as his hand cupped your cheek and gently pulled it towards him.
All the already thin air was nearly knocked out of your lungs and you were fully convinced that you were definitely dreaming when he pressed his lips to yours. As corny as it seemed, this kiss was different than all the rest. It felt like all the romance books had described kisses. Sparks, fireworks, passion, comfort, love, and longer than all the ones you'd exchanged before.
You'd never felt anything like it before, not with him, not with Harvey, no one. You knew you'd remember it forever.
All of the mental weight you felt over his long journey of being too scared to kiss you first just melted right off. Immediately you realized how silly it was in the first place. You were happy to move on his own time.
"I know I haven't been the best at truthfully expressing my feelings, but that's just because you're the most special little thing I've ever had before. You made me incredibly nervous even though you've been nothing but patient with me. But just know that I really do think you're the most wonderful person I've ever met. I'm really happy we got to do this today, you've grown so much to get here. It's been really lovely to watch."
Turning over to face him, you kissed him right back and held him just as tight. "You've grown a lot too, and you've definitely gotten braver. I think you're the sweetest, most handsome man on this planet and frankly I don't know if I deserve words as kind as those. But thank you, your spot in my life has been one of the greatest honors, even more so than the fancy Avenger title."
"Now how am I ever supposed to go on missions with anyone else?" Steve grinned and he slowly moved his hand off your face and settled into the mattress and against your body. "This has spoiled me completely."
"Clint doesn't ever want to spoon with you?" You questioned sleepily. "I bet Bruce is nice and warm."
"I'd rather sleep on the floor." Steve deadpanned. "With no blankets..."
"I bet Tony would snuggle up." You smiled to yourself, knowing that would tip him over the edge.
"Outside. Naked in the snow."
A lazy giggle was all your body had energy for, "but you're shy!"
"Then it's a really good thing that you're here instead of them, huh?" Steve pressed a kiss to the crown of your head. "We can get all the cozy sleep we want in this expensive hotel on the government's dime."
"So luxurious" You mumbled. "Hope you have the best sleep ever."
"I always sleep well next to you, and the law says we have to sleep in tomorrow so that's even better."
"Oh, really?" You smiled at his made up law.
"Really." He confirmed. "Goodnight, love bug."
"Sweet dreams, Twinkles."
You did just what Steve, or the law, told you. It wasn't very hard to sleep in as late as your body would allow when you felt so safe and warm in the hold of your sweet super soldier.
Eventually when the two of you finally got your butts out of bed and back home, gears were shifted from missions and battlefields to lawyers and courtrooms.
With a lot of help and passion from Natasha, Harvey was officially on trial and facing the legal repercussions of his actions. Being a Plaintiff in a physical assault case was not something you ever had on your bingo card, and way out of your realm of knowledge, so there was a lot of work to be done.
Luckily, you had a lot of incredible people on your side. There was a solid week full of preparation with a big team of people who found it really important for you to win your case.
Tony worked with Jarvis and the compound security department to pull surveillance footage of any and all instances that could be used against Harvey in the court of law. Luckily, Steve was good at his job and thought one step ahead of everyone else, so he had recorded the date and approximate times of every single incident you had come to him for. That helped tremendously in pulling evidence.
Bucky, Sam, Nat, Steve, Commander Bennett and a few other Agents from your old recruit group came forward as your witnesses, and character witness. Their support meant more to you than anything else.
Nat also shared her best advice with you over plenty of lunches together, and even went shopping with you for clothes to wear for the three day long trial. The long week of preparation usually ended with dinners at your place every night, a double date of sorts with Bucky, Nat, and Steve.
All of the other Avengers supported the cause by holding down the fort so everyone else could focus on the trial.
Oh, and you had a really good lawyer.
Three long days of back and forth arguing was exhausting and emotionally taxing at best. At the very root of it, trying to get somebody you used to love in jail was devastating. He was your first love, and part of you knew that regardless of what he put you through, you'd always hold just a small piece of that love for him.
More surface level, and even though your issues with Harvey began way before your budding romance with Steve, you felt terrible that he was engaged with and had to clean up so much of this mess your ex boyfriend had made. It was also unexpectedly embarrassing to have to stand in front of a courtroom filled with your teammates, friends, and family where they all had to listen to the endless list of all the bad things that have happened to you at the hands of this man.
At the end of each day you just wanted to cry and be alone for a while. Making your way up to the rooftop after taking off your make up and business attire, you'd ignore everyone's attempts at trying to make you feel better and just spend some time with the stars.
Being faced head on with all the shit that was thrown at you, you couldn't help but to wonder if you should've made better choices. If you had done anything differently, maybe you would've never had to endure all the pain. You even wondered if you should be apologizing to your parents who were now hearing the true extent of your hardship.
Your dad was getting old, and your Mom was a worry wart. It wasn't good for either of them to hear any of the details, or see the close up pictures of your injured body. If he could, your dad would've killed him in one clean sweep and hid the body somewhere not even the avengers could find if he had the chance. Your sister and brother in law would do even worse than that, and you could only hope Luca would never grow up to learn about any of this and think anything less than you.
Because to him, and the rest of the world, you're a superhero now. So you found the strength to feel all your feelings after court, brush them off, then wake up the next morning to do it all again.
The last day was probably the worst. When the judge deemed Harvey guilty and sentenced him to 8 years, you should've been happy to see him getting taken away in handcuffs.
You should've been smiling, hugging, and celebrating like all of your loved ones behind you. The justice should've brought you peace, but all it did was bring tears to your eyes.
Especially as the police officers walked him right past you as they cleared the court for the final time.
"Happy?" Harvey asked you in passing. "This is what you always wanted huh?"
"I never wanted this." You stated clearly, and sadly. "Unfortunately your own actions led you here, it never had to be this way. I hope you learn a valuable lesson, and I wish you nothing but what you deserve in the future."
"You're fucking insane." He practically spat in your face. "You did this to me."
"You did this to yourself." You swallowed a lump in your throat.
Those were your final words to him before he was taken away, and you were swallowed by the arms of people who truly loved you.
In the hallways of the city courthouse, you were told by Steve, Nat, Bucky, and Sam that they passed a new regulation in the compound. It was called "The 306 policy" clearly stating that any bullying coming from any employee working for the avengers was now to be taken seriously with zero tolerance. No more strikes, no more warnings. Furthermore, if that bullying had to do with gender, sexuality, or race, they would be put under dishonorable discharge to ensure a bumpy life and career ahead.
After properly thanking everyone who put forth their time and effort to help, you got home and took a very very long nap, ate a big meal, took a hot shower, then put your AirPods on and went on a walk.
Stopping by a few shops and grabbing a few different special surprises, your mind felt so much clearer. A quick stop home, then you found yourself walking into Steve's apartment with said surprises in hand.
Given the time and the fact that it was already pretty late, you found Steve exactly where you expected him to be at 9:30 pm on a Friday night. On the couch with a movie he wasn't paying attention to playing on the TV, and his sketchbook and pencil in hand.
Not expecting you to want company tonight, Steve looked up at you with a confused look on your face when he saw you approach with flowers and a brown paper bag.
"Oh, hi love bug." Steve grinned contently, sitting up a bit and closing his sketch book and setting it down to give you his full attention.
"Hi, sorry, hope it's okay that I stopped by." You said while approaching him.
"It's always okay" Steve smiled and stuck his arms out for you. You set the flowers and the bag down on the coffee table before giving him a hug and a kiss. "What's up? How are you doing."
"Better, I know it's been a long week and I feel like I've been neglecting you a bit, and i'm sorry." You explained, watching his face soften. "I just wanted to spend some time with you. I brought us ice cream, and I got you flowers as a small token of appreciation for everything you've done for me. Not only this week, but my whole career here."
"You got me flowers?" He questioned with puppy dog pouted lips and furrowed brows.
"Mhm" You nodded, "I don't know what your favorite flowers are but these ones reminded me of you."
A sigh left his nose and his lips stayed pouted as he kept his eyes glued to the bouquet on the table. "Nobody has ever gotten me flowers before, that's so nice."
Sitting down next to him, you threw your arms loosely around his neck and rested your head against his. His arm quickly found the curve of your hip and rested there. You happily closed your eyes and enjoyed the embrace of the soldier.
"Thank you, sweetheart. I love them." Steve pressed a kiss to your temple. "But I hope you know I understand, and I don't feel neglected."
"Even if that's the case, I just want you to know how much I care about you."
"I know, I can feel it!" He reassured you, "I feel very secure, I never doubt your love and care for me."
A grin took control of your calm face. "Thank you for communicating so clearly, that takes away so much mental weight."
Steve giggled. "Will you communicate what kind of ice cream you got, and if I need to get up to get spoons?"
"Your favorite, vanilla with salted caramel ribbons. Spoons are in the bag."
"I can't believe this is how you treat me and everyone expected me to not fall head over heels?" He questioned, reaching in the bag and pulling out the pint.
You let go of him and got comfortable on the couch, crossing your legs underneath you and facing Steve. He handed you a spoon, and put half his blanket over your lap before popping the lid to the pint open.
Neither of you wasted any time before digging your spoons in. "Cheers?" Steve lifted his spoon.
You grinned. "To you, thank you for supporting me through a lot of bullshit."
"No" Steve denied, shaking his head with an even gentler smile. "To your peace of mind, getting the justice you deserve, and being brave enough to see the greener grass."
Too excited to eat ice cream to scold him for making this about you, you put the spoon in your mouth anyways. Both of you exhaled gloriously at the same time, it was so unfortunately delicious that you knew the entire pint stood no chance of survival.
"So, what are your big plans now that you finally get some peace and quiet?" Steve questioned.
"Well first thing tomorrow morning I'm going to go on a run on the outdoor track with my AirPods on, something I've been too scared to do for a while now." You noted. "Then I'll get some paperwork done from that mission we went on that I've been way too busy to touch, and after that I'll probably text Captain America to see if he wants to hang out and get dinner or something."
"Ooh, I bet he'll say yes." Steve perked up. "He told me he really wants to ask you out to get Dim Sum with him, something about a real date... but I'm not too sure. I think he was nervous about giving you some time to process everything that happened this week. So, you asking him to hang out would definitely make him happy."
"Mmm" You smiled, swallowing the ice cream in your mouth. "Well, if he needs any reassurance I would probably tell Cap that I don't need any more time to process because I learned a really valuable lesson recently."
Steve's heart started to increase in speed as these conversations always made him a bit anxious, which is why he tended to avoid them in the first place. "What would that be?"
"More time and a romantic night with candles and soup dumplings isn't going to do anything to change how I feel about you." You grinned, scooping more ice cream onto your spoon. "Whether we're in our pajamas eating ice cream together on the couch or dressed to the nines at some random charity event eating caviar, I'm just happy to be with you. This is a real date to me."
"While I agree completely," Steve giggled as a drop of melted ice cream landed on the back of your hand and you licked it off. "I have to say, if this is a date then now I'm a little nervous."
"That implies that if we were on a date, there is something you would do differently that's making you feel nervous." You raised your eyebrow, questioning his intentions.
"First of all, I'd be the one bringing you flowers. I'd probably brush my hair first and maybe not wear... this."
"But you look so handsome like that!" You argued. "And there's already flowers here so we both benefit."
"I'd also spend the whole night with sweaty palms just wondering if you were having fun or if I was acting a little weird on accident"
You smiled at his words. "I'm always having fun with you, and you're always a little bit weird. It's part of your charm. It's fun!"
"Then at the end of the night if you seemed like you had a good time and I hadn't yet scared you off I would be even more nervous because then I wouldn't know what to do." Steve shrugged. "Especially if this was a date. Because for a while now I've been meaning to ask you if I could be your boyfriend, but of course if I did that now it would just be terrible timing."
"Terrible timing?" Your head tilted sideways a bit.
"Because anticipating the answer to that question would make me incredibly nauseous, and I'm eating ice cream so adding dairy into that mix just wouldn't be pretty."
"Ah" You slowly nodded in understanding. "Okay, so I just won't answer that then. So there's absolutely no anticipation, no nausea, just ice cream."
Steve slowly leaned back until the arm of the couch dug into his spine, and he rid his spoon of the ice cream still on it. "Thanks, it also really helps with that feeling." He placed his hand over his sternum. "You know? That really awful one where it's like your heart is sitting in the pit of your stomach? Like it's trying to tell you it's in danger but really everything is fine."
"Everything is totally fine." You laughed as you watched him take a deep breath. "You asked the question and I didn't runaway screaming. The earth is still spinning, and you still have twinkles in your eyes so, yeah, really it is fine."
"I'm dying slowly and painfully." Steve whispered.
Reaching out and grabbing his hand, you pulled him back up. "Never in a million years would I ever say no to that."
"Are you sure?" His puppy dog eyes came right back. "I could've done this much better."
"You know, for about 99% of everything in my life I can see a benefit and a disadvantage. Maybe a flaw or a drawback that stops me from fully enjoying something for what it is." You explained. "But you? You're the only thing I've ever been 100% sure of. I don't need anything more convincing than this, this is already the best. Nothing could better."
Steve's posture relaxed, and he squeezed your hand. "I'm speechless."
"Speechless, or perhaps all your energy is focusing on making sure your internal organs are going back to normal." You giggled. "No throw up! I'm so proud!"
"My face probably reads very differently, but I swear I'm really happy right now."
You leaned forward and kissed him. His lips tasted just as sweet as his personality which made it even harder to pull away. But when the need to breathe got too dire, your foreheads stayed connected.
"I'm Steve Rogers girlfriend." You spoke, the statement felt foreign and undeserving on your tongue. "Man oh man, how did this happen?"
"It's a really long story." Steve smiled. "Is this a good time to tell you that your dad invited me over for dinner next Tuesday?"
"Of course he did" you sighed, kissing him one more time before pulling away. "My dad didn't even invite me over for dinner next Tuesday."
"Trust me, he's going to." Steve smiled. "You have a really cool family. I hope it's okay that I said yes."
"That's fine." You giggled. "But you do understand that my dad probably hasn't realized we're dating?"
"Yeah, that's fine." Steve nodded with a smile.
"And you understand that my mom definitely knows?" You questioned again. "And it's not just going to be them two? Luca will definitely be there, and he will definitely be bothering you the whole time."
"That's the fun part!" He enthused.
"Okay." You smiled, raising your hands up in defense. "If you know what you're in for, and you still think it sounds fun then knock yourself out by all means."
Before Tuesday rolled around, Steve was thankful that neither of you got called onto missions so he could have the opportunity to romance you the way you deserved. He was also thankful that you already agreed to be his girlfriend so he could actually relax and enjoy your time together without being too terribly anxious about what was to happen next.
Just as promised, the two of you went to that fancy dim sum restaurant you couldn't get enough of, better outfits, more flowers, a lovely stroll along the water, city lights, then he asked you that dreaded question again. This time more confidently, and once more you agreed to let him be your boyfriend, and reassured him that you loved the way he asked you the first time. But, this was lovely too and you appreciated the gesture. The night wrapped up with snuggles and a movie while you happily waited for Steve to move things along at his own pace.
You did eventually get invited to that Tuesday night dinner with your parents, and that also went really well. Steve seemed really comfortable and very relaxed around your family, even more so than you expected. Of course Steve was a personable, well rounded, and easily adaptable man. You knew he could handle a lot more than you ever could, but admittedly, your mother greeting him with a big ol' kiss on the cheek immediately followed by getting tackled by Luca and Rocket at the same time was a bit more than you expected.
A big cheeky smile remained on his face the whole time he was there, and the whole long drive back home. He even fell asleep holding you in his arms with a grin on his face, happy and content as could be.
Then, the day after that and the next few days to follow, he started acting.... uncharacteristically. He got quieter, started hanging around everyone less, and working out more.
You asked him a few times if there was something wrong, and each attempt was met with a different variation of the fact that he was okay, and everything was fine.
But your levels of concern peaked when you left your apartment for team board game night. The whole team put on their fanciest pajamas, brought their favorite snacks and drinks, and gathered to play all their favorite games. Immediately the whole group asked you where Steve was, you shrugged it off and assumed that maybe he was still getting some work done and he would join as soon as he was done.
Two rounds of mancala, and a painfully long round of catan, you couldn't ignore the lack of Steve any longer. Politely excusing yourself, you made your way through the compound in your matching pajama set, socks, and ugg slippers to Steve's office just to open the door and find it empty. Making it all the way back to the Avengers sector, you quietly knocked on Steve's door before entering his apartment.
He looked like a deer in headlights as you entered his living room while he scrambled to wipe freshly fallen tears off his face to further pretend like everything was still fine.
Though you've gotten pretty close, you've never really seen him cry before. In an instant your heart nearly strained itself to death as it felt like the saddest sight you've ever seen, the you wondered if this is how he felt every time he saw tears on your cheeks.
"Oh, sweet boy." You pouted walking towards him, no longer interested in giant jenga.
"Sorry," He sniffled, running a hand through his messy hair. "I'll be out in a few minutes, I'm just- I need a minute. You don't have to stay... you should go hang out with them."
"What's wrong, Stevie?" You sat next to him on the couch and immediately pulled him into a big hug, the kind that you never want to let go from. Warm, tight, comforting, and your hand cradled the back of his head while the other rubbed his back. "And don't say you're fine again because you're obviously not."
"You're so beautiful" He cried into your shoulder.
"And you're very handsome, but that doesn't fix the problem." His compliment made you giggle despite feeling sad for him. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No." He immediately shook his head before lifting it off your shoulder so he could look at your face. "Not at all. This is not your fault, I've just been having a hard week."
You sighed and looked deeply into his big ol' puppy dog eyes. "Then who do I need to beat up?"
"Violence is not the answer, sweetie." A genuine smile reached his teary eyes.
"It could be." You proposed.
"It doesn't have to be." He reassured you. "Contrary to popular belief, I am fine. Nobody did anything bad to me. I just needed some time to process my feelings."
"Your feelings about what, Stevie?"
It took a lot of courage for Steve to be vulnerable with you. The only other time he ever let a pretty girl see him cry before was Peggy right after Bucky fell off the train, and even then, she wasn't carefully wiping tears off his cheeks and looking at him with such kind and concerned eyes. You were melting him into a pile of goo, and he couldn't even help but to feel comforted in your presence even though he usually found moments like these to be wildly uncomfortable.
"I really loved hanging out with your family. Genuinely, it was the best time I've had in a while." Steve started, setting the record straight.
But even then, your face morphed into a cringe. "Oh god, what did my Dad say to you?"
"No, nothing." Once again, you had him giggling. "Your Dad is great, and your Mom might just be an actual angel on earth. Even Jane... it's just- the way they treated me like a normal human being that night was something I haven't experienced since I got the serum. I think it's just made me miss what life was like before all of this." He motioned to his body.
Your eyes went from concerned to just sad for him.
"It's stupid" Steve shook his head, and wiped more tears off his cheeks.
"No it's not." You denied. "Everything in your life changed. I think craving and missing the comfort of simplicity isn't stupid at all. I'm not even two hours away from my family and some days I'm so home sick it's all I can think about. I can't even imagine what that feeling must be like for you."
Steve took a deep breath, trying really hard to regulate his emotions and ground himself. Your physical touch, and comforting words was working wonders. "Sometimes thinking back to how I used to be gives me this weird sense that this body isn't even mine. I almost felt stronger and more at home when I could barely breathe or my heart could barely handle me standing up too fast. Now I kind've feel like a baby giraffe learning how to walk for the first time." He giggled at his own analogy, earning your grin despite your sadness oh his behalf. "I know sometimes it's awkward and weird to observe from the outside but inwardly, I'm trying my best."
"I've always thought you to be incredibly graceful" You admitted. "It probably feels worse than it looks. But truthfully, I've always admired pretty much everything about you."
“You're too sweet." Steve grinned. "Like I said, I'll be fine. I just miss my Mom... and Bucky's family. His little sister was great. I also miss feeling normal, and this one park I used to go to study when I was in art school that's now an apartment building."
"Well, I know this won't fix much but if it's any consolation my family loves you and they love having you around. It's also apparent to me that they like treating you like a normal person, probably to a fault. You'll always have a place to go if you need to feel some good old fashioned family love and get away from all of this." You reminded him. "I can't promise that Luca will ever stop asking you to sign his captain America posters, but I'm sure he'll run out of unsigned ones soon enough."
"I like signing his posters." Steve sniffled with a smile.
"You know he asked me to do show and tell at his school next week?" You asked. "Not because he wants me to show something, but because he wants to show me off. The poster thing is totally normal."
"If it weren't for public scrutiny, I'd want to show you off too."
"Now you're the one that's too sweet." You grinned. "I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, Stevie. For what it's worth, I love you a lot and you'll always be normal to me."
You wrapped your arms around him again, but this time he squeezed you tighter and pulled you onto his lap just to feel you closer. The weight of you on him helped his body further relax, and he loved the way you cradled his head and kissed his temple a few times in the process of getting comfortable. It was really hard to think about the sadness when all he could feel when you were around was happy and incredibly grateful.
"I love you too" Steve's tears came to an end with his body closely squished against yours.
Your hands carefully cupped his cheeks and tilted his head to look up at you. Looking right into your big, kind eyes momentarily before you closed them and pressed your lips to his gave him uncontrollable butterflies.
They traveled all the way up and down his body as your tongue mingled with his, and his brain buzzed as his lips swelled. His heart felt just as frail as it did when he was that 90 pound kid with arrhythmia when you pulled away for air and opened your eyes again. They were still big and kind, but they were also just as dilated as his, and your heartbeat was just as fast.
But you knew better than to keep it going, you knew that no matter what happened, you'd never be comfortable going any further with Steve if he wasn't comfortable as well.
So rather than continuing to make out with him, your thumbs rubbed his cheeks, and you left kissed on his forehead, nose, and one quick one on his lips to make up for the sad loss. "I'd also like to remind you that you have a whole family right outside this door that wants to play Scrabble with you."
Steve couldn't ignore his love and deep attraction to you anymore. He was already in a state of vulnerability, and he desperately needed to keep you close to him. "I don't think I care too much about using my words right now."
That sentence was enough to turn your very controlled love and warmth into fire. An eyebrow raised in genuine surprise at his boldness. "We can use as many or as little words as you'd like, but that's up to you, Honey. You're going to have to set the pace on this one."
In an instant, his lips were right back on yours with even more fire and hunger than before. As the heat amped up, your fingers slid through his hair, and his hands slipped up the back of your shirt. You got lost in your own head for a few moments, overly conscious of the fact that he could feel the difference in texture between your skin and the huge scar on running down your spine.
Those thoughts escaped you as his hands assisted you in readjusting. Rather than sitting sideways, you threw your legs to the side of his and straddled him instead. As the lust progressed and both of your hearts were beating in rhythm, you could now feel that Steve wanted you just as bad as you wanted him, but like he said, his body sometimes didn't feel like him. You didn't feel right without reassurance that his heart and mind wanted this just as much.
It seems as though he was on the same page as you, because he pulled away slightly just to get some oxygen into what might as well have been his still asthmatic lungs considering you were making him feel that familiar sting. But he also wanted to check in on you.
"Is this what you want?" Steve asked, the ever so lovely twinkles returning to his pretty blue eyes.
You grinned and pecked his lips. "Of course this is what I want, but I want you to be sure too. I know this is important to you, and I look to you for guidance in a lot of situations. So if you think this is the right time for you, then there's no doubt for me."
Steve's hands traveled up and down your back, massaged the small of your waist, and acclimated you to his hands on your bare skin while you had this conversation. You searched his face for honesty just as deeply as he studied yours. He could tell you meant every word, but you spotted a glimpse of doubt.
"Tell me about your hesitance." You told him with a welcoming expression as your hands massaged the back of his neck.
Steve sighed and hung his head low before picking it back up again. "Sometimes I still feel awful about what I did to you. There was a point where your trust in me was at a zero percent, and I don't think i've forgiven myself enough to believe it'll ever be back at 100"
"Steve, no." Your brows furrowed, genuinely shocked by the words coming out of his mouth. "What? Thats not even remotely a concern, nor something I ever think about anymore."
"I think about it every day." He admitted, maybe too honestly. But he knew he wouldn't be able to enjoy himself if this conversation wasn't had.
"My trust in you is 110 percent." Your hands found his cheeks again, angling his head so he had no choice but to look you in the eye when you told him. "What happened that day was a mistake. It was a misunderstanding, it was bad communication between the two of us, and the result of that was really unfortunate. I was harsh because I was in a very bad situation, but I never thought any less of you for it. I know you didn't mean to hurt me, and we can talk about this as many times as you need until you feel better about it. But I know you had no malicious intent."
Steve nodded in understanding. "My only hesitation right now is making sure that you're confident, and you trust me enough."
"I trust you more than I trust myself, and I mean that." You kissed him and rocked your hips forward. "If my life was on the line and I had to choose between you or myself to save it, I would choose you."
He attached his lips to yours this time. More passion, more fire, more brave roaming hands.
"And if I get to choose between board games or a night with you, I choose you." You continued between desperate kissing and heavy petting. "I'll always choose you over anything else. Besides, if you think it's impossible for me to trust you this much yet, then you must know that trust is earned and the only way to earn it is through your actions. So maybe, for you to feel better you need to give me all the more reason to trust you."
"I can't tell if you're a terrible influence or a really good one." He practically whimpered into your mouth. "I love you so much, being with you is where I’ve always felt the most comfortable.”
“Then let’s get even more comfortable with each other." You reassured him. "And I'll show you just how much of a home you can turn this body of yours into. Because I love you too, and we both deserve to be happy."
He smiled before kissing your forehead, then your lips before making his way to your jaw, down your neck into your collarbone, and the last thought you could even formulate before he captured all your senses was that even just by the way his hands held you, and his lips nipped at your collar bones was that there was a whole other side to this man that you never got to know, and you were absolutely in for it now.
And in for it you were, because even though he was all kinds of sweet, gentle, and loving, he was also incredibly sexy and attentive. Though your sexual experiences in life was pretty low, he blew everything you thought you knew out of the water. You didn’t even know it was possible for your body to feel the way that it did, or to even be as attracted to a person the way you were to Steve.
Even when all was said and done, he didn’t hesitate to hold your body close to his as you both caught your breath, exchanged affirmations and a few jokes just to hear your sweet laugh.
With his arms snug around your naked frame, and his fingers drawing shapes into your arm, he continued placing sweet kisses to the top of your head. It made you realize how the icky feeling you usually got never arrived. No regrets, no doubts, no mean voices in your head telling you that you weren’t good enough, pretty enough, or skilled enough.
It was just you, Steve, and a warmth in your heart that took over the former butterflies. There was his raspy voice rambling something to make you smile, which always worked, then there was some very comfortable silence.
An overwhelming sense of gratitude for Steve washed over you like a wave as you realized how happy and confident you felt in this very moment. No rushing to cover up, no feeling of anxiety or worry. A few months ago you could barely even imagine a word in which eating breakfast wasn’t an impossible task. Now, you were excited for the night because for once, that meant tomorrow was even closer, and tomorrow was going to be a really good day. You had no specific plans, but that was the fun part, you no longer needed a good thing to happen for you to have a good day. Tomorrow could just be, and that was good enough.
You could’ve cried right then and there, you also could’ve blamed the huge rush of hormones and endorphins for making you so emotional and gushy, but the fact of the matter was that all you could think about was how happy you are.
How happy Steve made you. How lucky you were to be excited for tomorrow.
Steve grinned when he looked down at you. Cuddled up to his side, head on his chest, absentmindedly looking at your hand that was rubbing his stomach. You traced the peaks and valleys of his muscles, completely lost in thought.
“What are you thinking about?” Steve asked quietly, his smile winding as you came back to earth and looked up at him.
You knew your deep inner thoughts might’ve brought up memories of harder times even though you were nothing but happy, and you really didn’t want to keep bringing up the past. So instead of being completely truthful, you focused on making newer, happier memories.
“Honestly?” You questioned, propping yourself up on your arm so you could see his face better and moving your hand up to his chest to draw a heart over his. “It’s just-“
“Wait now I’m scared.” Steve cut you off, causing you to giggle.
“Everyone was always so sure that sleeping with you meant better job opportunities, but it’s been almost 15 minutes now and I haven’t even been offered a promotion.” You joked, knowing he’d take it lightly.
“You’re stupid!” His belly laugh confirmed it, “You’re already at the highest rank, my dear. I don’t have anything left to offer you!”
“Damn it!” You pretended to be disappointed, big smile scrunched the corners of your eyes. “If I knew it would be this fun I would’ve done this months ago.”
“It’s a lot easier than all the training, huh?” Steve asked.
“I don’t know about that, I’m kind’ve exhausted.” You joked.
“Well, we all learn from our mistakes.” He smiled. “Now you know for next time.”
“That, we do.” You agreed, relaxing into him once more. “Maybe this really is what we should’ve been going in the training room all this time, I think it’s just as good of a work out.”
Steve gasped. “There’s cameras and windows in there!”
“Oh right, you’re very shy.” You poked his chest.
“Hey!” He caught your hand and tangled your fingers together with his. “Don’t be mean to me!”
“I’m not being mean, I think that’s very cute.” You kissed his pec. “Even cuter now that I’ve seen all of you and I know for a fact there’s absolutely nothing for you to be shy about.”
“Ooh!” He lit up. “Hey remember that one time a long time ago when I saw you naked?”
“How could I ever forget?” You laughed at his question. “Is it my turn to be scared?”
“No, I just wanted to say that I think you’re very beautiful.” He smiled. “I thought that back then too, but who was I to tell you that? So I’m telling you now to make up for it.”
“Okay that’s not so bad. Thank you, twinkles.”
“Mhm” He hummed.
More comfortable silence, more basking in his body heat and skin to skin contact.
“Do you think they’re still waiting for you to play scrabble?” You questioned quietly.
“I think they got the hint by now” Steve smiled, lifting the back of your hand to his mouth to kiss it.
Once again, silence.
“Wait…” Steve spoke. “I think I might actually have a job opportunity for you. What are you doing on May 20th?”
“Celebrating. That’s the first day of Gemini season” You recalled, amused by the serendipity.
Before you knew it, the moon said goodbye to the sun over and over again for months until Monday morning rolled around just like it always seemed to do.
Your combat boots squeezed against the floor beneath you as you walked down the hallway to the agent training room. As you walked, you caught a glimpse of your reflection in a big glass window pane. Your avengers uniform suited you more and more every time you wore it with pride, and you were even more proud that Steve was in his suit walking right behind you.
With a deep breath, you opened the door to the training room and Steve followed in behind you. You were greeted with a new batch of rookies in their agent uniforms, all standing tall in a neat, straight line.
Their eyes all on Commander Bennett as he beamed the moment you walked into the room. As unprofessional as it might have been, he couldn’t even help but to give you a hug as you approached, and you were happy to do so.
You faced the agents, Commander Bennett on your right and Steve on your left created your own line.
“Hello, Agents.” Steve greeted the line. “Congratulations on making it this far into your training.”
Your eyes scanned the line, and you couldn’t help but to remember when that used to be you, and how intimidating it felt to meet Steve for the first time.
“As you all know, this is Captain Rogers.” Bennett introduced. “But more importantly, this is Agent 306. Our newest Avenger, and the highest ranking agent to ever be trained in all of shield’s history.”
“Hi everyone.” You smiled, hoping to ease their tension. “It’s nice to meet you all. From here on out I’ll be in charge of assisting Commander Bennett in furthering your expertise and knowledge, hopefully turning you all into even better agents than the last group.”
“Though this is usually a task I take on myself,” Steve further explained. “It’s never been more apparent to me that you deserve to learn from the best of the best, and the best hands are her’s. I’ll be here to help out when you guys need it. Im here for extra support when you may need, and some extra oversight on hectic days but trust me when I say you are all very lucky that 306 agreed to this.”
If the two of you weren’t trying to hard to keep your relationship private, his words would’ve made you smile.
“We’re going to start by going down the line, and learning your names and assigned numbers.” You addressed the group again. Carefully scanning their faces, you couldn’t help but to feel pure joy in your heart when you saw a whole lot of women staring right back at you. You were hopeful, and happy knowing this experience would be so much easier for them than it was for you. “After we greet you please feel free to start warming up for your first lesson, we have about two hours together today. And three hours together for four days a week for the foreseeable future.”
“Yep, so maybe even chit chat with the people around you. Take some deep breaths, release your tension, and get to know each other, because we’re about to spend a lot of time together.” Steve agreed, happy to implement your suggestions on creating a happier and healthier work environment. “Look around at the people in this room and build the foundations of a strong, tight knit community. These are now the people you need to be looking out for. You guys live together, work together, train together, so the most important thing for you to do, is build trust.”
“This journey will be difficult, and tiring no matter how effortless you can make it look. But believe that it’ll be a lot easier if you enjoy everyone you’re on the journey with.” You agreed with Steve. “That being said, Captain Rogers and I are here to lift you up and support you through just as much as Commander Bennett, so please feel free to come to us with whatever you may need.”
“Alright, let’s get started.” Bennett ordered. “Agents, tactile formation remains until after you are greeted. Eyes forward, shoulders back.”
Steve looked at you, pride smeared all across his face. “You ready?” He held his hand up for a high five.
“Now more than ever.” You slapped your hand against his.
⋆。°✩ The end ✩ °。⋆
Though this is the end of the series, I’m always happy to write your requests for bug and sparkles 💞🌟
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#steve rogers#steve rogers fluff#captain america#captain america fluff#steve rogers x reader#captain america x reader#chris evans#steve rogers fanfiction#mcu x reader#chris evans fluff#the gemini#rogersideup#steve x reader#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes smut#bucky barnes x reader#marvel#MCU#marvel fanfic writer#mcu x you#natasha romanoff#sam wilson fluff#tony stark#steve rogers smut#captain america smut#wanda maximoff x reader#gemini season#chris evans x reader#sebastian stan#seb stan
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Freshman year Fabian loves his friends dearly but he still feels pressure to conform to what he’s been taught is perceived as cool and awesome and like, doesn’t openly want to be best friends with Riz because he’s a loser nerd. Which is mostly canon right? But then he grows into doing whatever the fuck he wants and making it cool because it’s him doing it later. I think that he also gets much more open in his affection towards his friends that aren’t rockstars (and at the time on the Owlbears), especially Riz, who is his best friend amongst best friends (or potentially more if you like Fabriz, but this isn’t a ship thing).
This is awesome for Fabian, but I like to think about how it feels from Riz‘s perspective? It happens suddenly. I mean it took a few sessions, and a few in game days, but he did drastically change over spring break. Which means the last day of school was "Fabian pretends not to be close to me in front of cool people. Which I get haha, that’s fine." and then the next school day afterwards was,,,,not that anymore. I think at parties and stuff Fabian would actively seek out Riz (if he’s there at all lol) after mingling with cool kids because he’s like wow that was fun I’m gonna talk to a person I like more than these guys now and Riz is just? Confused? Yes he understands what changed and this is awesome but it probably takes a while to get used to.
Fabian isn’t the biggest on self reflection, but after abandoning his macho champion persona I do think he would realise that he’s been a little shitty, sometimes. Which doesn’t really speak to what kind of person he is in my opinion, because there’s no one who acts shittier in interpersonal relationships than dumb insecure teenagers, and he fixes it! And I don’t know if he’d verbally apologise but he’d at least get his friends (again, especially Riz) a bunch of stuff and they could probably all tell what’s going on (except Gorgug who has a track record of shitty insight despite decent wisdom in theory). But also maybe he would say sorry, both being a bard and getting in touch with his elven roots would make him more, like, emotionally available I think. (Side note, I do believe most high elves are kinda stiff and suppressed etc. Look at the Abernants and associates. But Telemaine is all about poetry and really living life and self expression through dance. So I think that would positively influence Fabian.)
Oughhh Also Fabian wears the best friends forever necklace btw. It‘d probably still be mostly under his shirts or something but I swear to you he doesn’t take it off. They’re best friends forever fr (and he wore it before his no good very bad day and class change and stuff. He’s always liked it he just wouldn’t have admitted it before lol).
Oh speaking of post toxic masculinity Fabian, he should paint his nails. This is not related to anything I just like to think he would. Clear polish at least, nice and shiny :)
#rambling into the void#dimension 20#fantasy high#headcanons#fabian aramais seacaster#riz gukgak#maybe fabriz? idk
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Small Talk (Jason Todd x Reader, Pt 1 of 3)
(Pt 2)
Premise: Jason worries that you're just putting up with him out of a misguided sense of pity.
Jason frowns as he looked down at his drink. A cup of steaming hot cocoa you had prepared for him, insisting it will warm him up.
His frown deepens as he glances at his fingers wrapped around the mug. Knuckles which were bloody and bruised an hour ago now carefully bandaged in ointment and gauze.
If it were up to him, he wouldn’t bother wrapping his wounds. They were surface level, didn't need stitches. The dried blood would serve a reminder of another target taken down. He wouldn’t bother taking any painkillers either and certainly not bother fending off the cold with a warm drink. None of that matters in the grand scheme of things.
His eyes then flit to you, sitting on the couch beside him, blanket wrapped around your curled up form as you distractedly flit through TV channels.
Jason knows you’re not paying attention to the screen, it’s all just static and white noise. He can tell by light frown lining your brow, the way you bite your lip and the tautness in your shoulders that you’re worried. Worried about him, but unwilling to voice it. Probably cause you’d been bluntly dismissed the last couple times you raised your concerns.
Because Jason doesn't have the privilege to acknowledge his pain, doesn’t have the time to sit in his feelings nor reflect on his past. He's had to forego all that if he wants to move forward, to seek justice. At least his brand of justice anyway, drenched red in revenge as it may be.
But you, you stubbornly insist on being soft, on treating his wounds as if he’s delicate, making space for his feelings as if they matter, tolerating his outbursts without judgement or ire, staying in spite of how much the sight of his battered and bruised body coming home scares you.
It’s not like you know all that much about him to justify his antics. He’s not exactly disclosed his past beyond the fact he’s cut ties with his family, hasn’t really told you all that he gets up to as Red Hood. And his standoffish personality? A supposed byproduct of being resurrected only to realise you were abandoned by daddy dearest, though he’d rather not go down that rabbit hole.
So he can’t help but wonder why you choose to stick around. Why you put up with a caustic man like him, surely his sarcasm and occasional witty remarks don’t balance out his other self destructive tendencies.
“(Name)” He calls out, waiting until your eyes are on him before he continuing
“Do you feel sorry for me?”
The question hangs in the air for a moment, almost as if you need a moment to register that’s what he really asked.
“What?… What do you mean Jason?” your expression conveying genuine confusion at his out-of-the-blue question.
“You heard me” He mumbled gruffly, internally warring with the uncomfortable atmosphere he's created but also unable to sit with his doubts any longer.
“Do you pity me? Is that why you stick around and play house?”
He knew that last bit was uncalled for, but it was hard not to feel that way when his mind whispered those cruel words. That you felt sorry for him. Saw him as a broken man, damaged goods.
He knew that’s how the few people still in his life viewed him. A young boy subjected to trauma at the hands of Gotham’s most nefarious villain, turning to a life of revenge and vengeance... too far gone to see the light. An 'anti-hero' who needs to be stopped. Captured and contained.
Except how others perceived him didn’t quite bother him, not like he held any of them in high regards, especially not Bruce. Yeah okay, he was still bitter at how quickly everyone seemed to resume their day to day routine in his absence. Not like he had any evidence of them trying to avenge him and he sure as hell wasn’t going to give them the benefit of doubt.
But you, well you were different. You weren’t a part of his previous life, you only had the (dis)pleasure of meeting reborn Jason Todd. The jaded, sardonic Jason Todd, who was done with the world and all it had to offer.
And yet you smiled at him. Cared about him. Worried for him. As if he’s deserving of any of those sentiments, as if even though you don’t fully understand him or the things he does, he still matters.
You seem to accept him in a way he’s yet to accept himself, and that thoroughly confuses him. To the point where the only conclusion his mind can offer is that you pity him.
So here he is. He’d like to think this is him laying his cards on the table, but really he’s just an archer looking down the tall castle walls he’s built around himself, waiting to pierce an arrow through the one good thing he’s got going. Cause it’s just too good to be true.
He’s not going to put a label on what he feels towards you, not just yet. Not when he doesn’t know where he stands with you.
He raises an eyebrow as he crosses his arms, curious but defensive in his stance as he braces himself for what you have to say.
He sucks in a quiet breath as your lips part. As much as he’d like to think he’s prepared for the worst, the possible reality where you do view him as damaged goods would definitely sting.
His eyes flit back to yours regardless, he’s no coward after all.
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Gotta love the random burst of 1am inspiration disrupting my sleep schedule. Let me know what you think of this! Part 2 is likely going to be dual POVs for maximum angst
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