#that's actually really in depth and the focal point of many of my thoughts

[justhauntley]

I haven't posted in a while, I've been busy and stuff-

Here's a lot of OC art that I'm really proud of :)

Names are under the cut, if you're interested~

It's been a bit since I did a full drawing, I've mainly been starting and ditching sketches lately. I haven't been posting OC art because it seems like it's not as popular as fanart, which is kinda true?

Unfortunately, I rarely do fanart, so I plan to start posting OC art more often because I want to post more regularly and because I'd like to start sharing the story of Exorcise The Gods, if people are interested :)

Also If you're interested, in order of appearance, left to right, names areee-

Tommy (dnd)

Makoto "Mako" Haj (dnd)

Snowdrift (The Sanctuary of Frost Fang Isle - OC Story)

Jokull (dnd and The Sanctuary of Frost Fang Isle)

Sage and Wildfire (The Sanctuary of Frost Fang Isle)

Em and V (Exorcise The Gods - OC Story that literally consumes all my waking thoughts)

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

Part One

Hey Cap!!

I hope your doing well <3

Sorry this took so long! Due to how long PN is there’s a chance I won’t go as in depth with each chapter as usual, there is, however, every chance I’ll ignore that and go crazy. We shall see what happens! (spoiler, i ignored it0

Chapters covered: Origins (1), and Origins (2)

Questions are numbered and in bold. 

Onto the insanity! 

[— — —]

It’s always very nostalgic to go back to the start :3 

You’ve obviously improved leaps and bounds in writing so it is in a noticeably different style at the start but it’s still fantastic. 

The first line just highlights that this won’t be the usual story falling into tropes and using cliches as a crutch for everything. I think it’s fantastic. I’m not sure whether it was intentional, but the fact that it focuses on the mundane and says “But this wasn’t the story she’d chosen to be in. This was simply one she was a part of.” is just- perfect. 

For Juleka and the story you tell as a whole. Like, yes, the superhero and magical aspect is essential for the framework of the story, but unlike usual it is not glorified or the most important thing to Juleka. 

Idk man I just love it :)) Especially because Juleka already sidelines herself in her own story. I love the way that she isn’t aware that she is the main character in like her own life? She idolises ladybug and believes she blends into the background and just- she doesn’t believe she is a focal point for anyone. Until she gets to be Panthera of course. 

Don’t worry, I’ll go into her relationship with her own identity, i just think I should move onto actually commenting on the current story rather than rambling on :3

I do like how Luka and Anarka are mentioned immediately, it excellently shows how she lives and who’s important to her in a natural way. 

I think the only other long haul fic I’ve read (not written by you, Cap) which focussed on Juleka was Powers of Invisibility by yestomiraculous, and as much as I adore it even that sometimes felt like it was more a vehicle to talk about other characters? 

Question 1: I’ve kinda just assumed you’ve read Powers of Invisibility, but I’m curious if you actually have? The way you write Juleka is very fun, but I’m curious if you have any fics you’ve pulled inspiration from for that too )

Whether it was a symptom of Juleka at heart being someone who observes rather than interjects or because that was the intention I don’t know. What I’m getting at is that I think you balance Juleka’s character really bloody well in this. Yes, she constantly feels invisible and is critical of herself and is observant, but she also has her own stuff going on? 

Whenever it does feel like Juleka is just floating, observing other people feels very intentional, like in princess prom when she just watches Adam dance with Rose. Sorry I will go on a lot of tangents in this i have so many thoughts on Panthera, ranging from the intricacies to the plot at large. 

Oh I love that we see Marinette and Fu nearly getting run over from Juleka’s perspective, the way that her guilt about freezing up and not helping pushes her later? Amazing. Plus, how much her internal monologue over analyses things and assumes the worst is so much fun. 

AAAA YOU BASTARD. Sorry, what I meant to say was; Of course you managed to have Juleka put Marinette on a pedestal in the first chapter. “Juleka could only see Marinette as incredible brave, a hero.” toxic yuri ladynoire is one of my favourite things about this fic, but I never realised you’d established it right at the start!! 

Of course she immediately turned to criticising herself Juleka girly please. There is this thing called the bystander effect I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of it-

The way that she has unrealistic expectations of perfection for herself while simultaneously believing she is not worthy of so much… we love a contradictory character. 

Fits for a cat tbh, they’re contrarian. Everyone (minus Adama (and Roger) think Juleka is like so nice and lovely and yet-

I need to stop going on a rant or i’ll never finish this. 

Help not the way Juleka was all doom and gloom but as soon as she spoke to Rose she was like “oh hey maybe today won’t suck” 

Love the little POV change to briefly show why Adrien doesn’t choose to help Fu, I’ve always liked that. Even though it’s simple it’s better than leaving us to wonder what changed. 

Adore that the main thing she mentions about Adrien is a) he’s shorter than expected, and b) she admires him because she also wants to be a model. 

Not the way you contrasted Adrien and Juleka here, Adrien quickly forgot about Fu being collapsed on the pavement but Juleka is being consumed by it. 

Tidbit of Chloe being a better person in this story, I do like that Juleka acknowledges what she’s seeing (Chloe being nervously protective of Adrien) and then dismisses it to fit the narrative of what she knows.

Here he is! Stoneheart! I do like how Juleka obviously does think it’s a little bit cool but is also in a right panic about everyone being safe. 

Question 2: Does Luka go to school? Like. i don’t think he does in the show it’s a bit unclear, it doesn’t matter anyway. I'm curious about what his deal is in Panthera.

Yippee!! Juleka saves Fu!! And will becoming irrevocably traumatised due to this!!

Question 3: If this isn’t too spoilery, what is Fu’s method for choosing miraculous holders? Is it literally just playing the good samaritan story from the bible or is there more behind the scenes for who he targets? (and why is it always a teenager??) 

I can’t tell if Fu actually didn’t notice Juleka not helping before or if he just says that to make her feel better. However, Juleka apologising to a stranger because she feels it’s morally wrong not to even though she struggled to speak to a long time classmate? Love it. 

I LOVE ANARKA MY SILLY. I READ OUT HER LINES ALOUD YIPPEE

Question 4: Do you remember why you chose to give Anarka a scottish accent? If so, what where your reasons and was it this was from the start?

First; cute that Juleka and Rose texted to check on each other (and that she’s Rose <3 in her contacts), second; Rose you neek why are you stuttering over text. I can’t remember if we ever get shown what Rose has Juleka as in her contacts but i’m sure it’s something sickeningly sweet. 

Juleka would chicken out about sending a heart. Tbh i find that so funny cause I do the same thing about crushes but to my friends I send <3 and call them silly names all the time it’s prolly more noticeable not to lmao

Plagg!! Stinky cheese cat!! He’s such a good character in this fr, he’s a good balance of a menace while also acting as a wonderful friend, confidant, and guiding figure for Juleka

Plagg is so overwhelming for realsies, you can’t just drop that you had blackbeard as a pirate. He’s such an interesting person in history but now all I can imagine is a pirate hat with cat ears while his suit makes it look like his beards on fire. Kinda want to see that design now… that’d go hard. 

Tbh if i was told by some alien looking cat that i was about to be a superhero i’d freak out too, there are so many unknown variables fr

THIS IS SO MUCH PRESSURE TO PUT ON A SIXTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL. WHY AREN’T ADULTS DOING THIS. 

Juleka and her saviours complex are great and all but the poor thing doesn’t need all that. 

The fact that she continues just to everyone and her brother but not because she wants this… i do love that that’s a consistent thing for her characterisation you usually see the hero character wanting to do it for them instead of solely focussing on the safety of others? Idk i’m explaining this badly but I like her motivations fr

I’ll forever be mad about the unbalanced abilities in miraculous, i’m so glad you gave the black cat another ability to at least match the amount given to the ladybug but it’s just such a frustrating part of the show. 

WHOOO FIRST APPEARANCE OF PANTHERA

The masking and inferiority complex towards herself go crazy fr. Ah, ye old Panthera design I thank it for its service of inspiring this whole fic but I will always love your new designs for any and all miraculous heroes Cap they go so hard. 

No way she calls Ladybug familiar- 

Question 5: How does the glamour situation work over in PN? Like, we see Juleka break through it to figure out Marinette, but we are also currently watching her fight with it about knowing who Rena Rouge is. If it’s not in spoiler territory I’d love to know some of the inner workings :3 

Love how self conscious Marinette is at first and how Juleka is the one directing the conversation (and the way she is freaking out about doing it she’s so real). The dichotomy of how they both see each other as the collected trustworthy superhero while never mentioning it goes crazy. 

I believe you write from Marinette’s POv a couple times but i’m not sure, the fact that she sees Panthera as the put together one goes crazy 

The way that Juleka calls Ladybug partner throughout the story… it’s perfect i love it. And that Marinette calls her kitty, oh oh!! New question. 

Question 6: Ladynoire obviously does not happen in this, but both in universe it has been hinted at (the date and Marinette saying “we just speedran dating” that line lives in my head rent free) and in asks you’ve said the story could have gone that way. What I’m getting at is; did Marinette ever have a crush on Panthera (knowingly or not) and would you be willing to briefly get into that here? 

I will always go crazy over Juleka being the bouncy enthusiastic one when transformed, you’ve said it was originally a joke and then you realised how sad it could get and I’m SO glad you went the sad route. Lighthearted ladynoire vibes in the season one rewrite will always be so cute to read back though

The way Juleka keeps freaking out internally over athletic feats is so good, i love this aspect we get in writing which you can’t really get in tv shows without a super imposed internal monologue which feels unnatural most of the time.

RAAA THE WAY YOU EMPHASISE THAT BOTH SUPERHEROS ARE ESSENTIAL IN THE FIRST FIGHT IS SO GOOD

Juleka freaking out about hissing and being smarmy and all that is so much fun to read. 

Juleka saying “We’re fucked” after seeing the scuba suit is iconic. She has literally zero faith at the start-

No!!! I get so sad when Juleka spirals while Ladybug is getting questioned by Alya about everything. So glad you made her also ask Juleka questions fr.

YOO?? I was going to bring up how she hadn’t referred to herself as Panthera once during this but she did at the end there after she had been validated by an outside source (alya being curious). Obviously she refers to Panthera as a separate entity even in her head later on, which makes me crazy but we’ll get there when we get there but I’ll totally pay attention to whether she’s calling herself Juleka or Panthera and in what situation she’s doing that in. 

It’s a small detail but i’ve found those fun to play around with in writing. 

HEY HANG ON HEYHEYEHYE

NO YOU DIDN’T OMG

Ok so i never registered that you wrote “This wasn’t just superheroes and villains. This was more, she could feel it. She could only ask. What’s going on…” and like?? This is such a huge thing Juleka focusses on in this? 

Like how she takes their work seriously in a different way to Marinette because she sees it as a genuine threat both during the akuma and out of it because of how emotions are targeted and how she resorts to simple violence whereas Marinette will use a complex plan. This is like tangentially related to how Marinette has her black and white thinking vibes (superheros and villains) while Juleka just sees people, people in different situations and how that changes her perception of their actions and-

Sorry i’m not sure if all this makes sense i just kinda went crazy. 

[— — —]

Second chapter!!

I do enjoy how Juleka almost told Ladybug to use the cure but social anxiety-d her way out of it. Hammering home her regret by giving Luka a hidden sprained leg is devious. I like him in this btw he’s just a silly guy who is essential to Juleka’s mental health and has his own stuff going on :3

Plagg not getting much Camembert in this is so tragic for him, the fact that he accepts string cheese from Juleka anyway just proves he’s a softie fr

I do love how we just get told in show that the Couffaines live on a boat and that Anarka acts like a pirate and we just. Get no further explanation. I like to think it’s something about dodging taxes

Plagg encouraging Juleka to be a model just so she can fund his fondness for Camembert- 

For some reason it’s that which made me think about how insane it would be for Juleka to balance a job on top of all this. Plus I feel like she’d totally end up with a Model Juleka mask too furthering her identity crisis stuff

I like how you had someone mention a family member being hospitalised by Stoneheart, sometimes it feels like the impact of being the first Akuma (and the only one which wasn’t cured) isn’t given enough attention. 

The fact that Ivan went to school the day after is insane fr but it needs to happen for the plot. 

People gotta be proper scared of him cause as far as they’re aware he is the villain.

Hey I’ve just realised that Juleka starts her whole “understanding the motivation for an Akuma can be the key to helping the person” thing right here when she goes up to talk to Ivan, that’s awesome I never made that connection before

Alya explaining that she just couldn’t think of a blog name including both of the heroes is a good detail, I know it was just a symptom of Ladybug being the protagonist in MLB but it was still a bit weird it was just called the ladyblog

I like that Chloe has a reason why she’s being a bitch; Stoneheart broke Roger’s arm so she’s getting back at him for that. Well, it doesn’t excuse how she approached it but a reason is better than an unprompted attack

Annnnd Panthera’s back woop!!

Hmm, you wrote “Juleka’s ears perked up as she heard Chloe’s shrill voice scream.” and it got me wondering;

Question 7: Do the miraculous give other abilities other than elevated strength, endurance, reflexes, and magical stuff? Like can Juleka hear stuff better when transformed? Or another example would be having better night vision? If so would these side effects continue into her untransformed self? As I know you’ve said her ‘claws’ and ‘slitted eyes’ and all that described when not transformed is actually just her being an unreliable narrator but side effects are always cool :3

Tbh the fact that an Akuma just multiplies when it’s not purified is insane like why the fuck does it do that? This isn’t an actual question, but it’s so crazy to me that if they missed literally any other Akuma they could’ve had like three million Dark Cupid’s running amuck.

Roger sucks man, why did he want to shoot at the Akuma holding a civilian??

Juleka not even registering how right after she’d ‘realised’ that she wasn’t cut out for hero work she reassured Ladybug for feeling the exact same way is so her. Like girl why are you allowed to have self doubt but no one else is??

Panthera’s speech about how they can do it… amazing moment. I’m sure Marinette was so very straight and normal about it whenever she thinks back to it. 

Ladybug this is a terrible plan. Her plans are always crazy. The fact that they work is even more crazy. I can’t wait to see whatever you replace Reflecta Two with and see Julekas lucky charm leading to incredible violence or a therapy session (there’s no in between) while Marinette just gapes in the background. 

“Another dream would be modeling.. But she could never do that.. If heroism was her path, she wouldn’t regret it.” JULEKA YOU ARE FALLING OFF THE EIFFEL TOWER GET IT TOGETHER 

And. hm. I don’t think Juleka ever regrets heroism but she definitely doesn’t like it much. The whole people being in danger and constantly having to fight and put herself in danger bit I mean, not the saving people bit.

Also i think this is a badass scene even though Juleka is ruminating as she falls from a great height lmao, the imagery of her diving after the Akuma and everything is so wonderful :3

Real of Ivan to question why they know his name. Marinette sucks at pretending she doesn’t know people fr

“I should keep the hair off my face.. Maybe I’ll be less recognizable.” Girl you're not Clark Kent the only reason no one knows is because of the glamour fr. but also. She kinda would be unrecognisable wouldn’t she.

Hang on. 

Question 8: So, before Juleka finds out Ladybug’s identity, it is hinted at that she will through multiple instances of her being “familiar” or knowing something she shouldn’t. Has Rose ever felt the same way about Panthera? As in; “She feels familiar, like I know her…” or is this spoilers? You know I’ll always be rabid for hints at a reveal between them, or anyone outside of Luka and Anarka finding out.

RAHHH JUST AS I SAY THAT JULEKA ASKS IF SHE SHOULD TELL ROSE AT SOME POINT I FORGOR THIS HAPPENED

YGBF4HNIRJECUDWOMSQIK

Sorry

Oh you’ll tell her when you defeat him will you?? Cap I won’t survive. I’ll simply be deceased. I must see the aftermath of the reveal. So much happened between Rose and Panthera and it reveals a whole side of Juleka she kept secret and-

There is simply too much opportunity to make it upsetting for you to pass up. Not that I think Rose would, idk, cast Juleka aside for her dishonesty or something equally dramatic, but the feelings!! They’ll be so big and she’ll have so many questions!!

Juleka is literally so loyal girl what “I trust ladybug” YOU JUST MET HER!! I love it but also girl! Trust yourself some more! Actually if she did at this point it’d feel out of character (i think her beef with master fu is one of the only examples her trusting her gut) 

Fr i can’t wait for Panthera to not defer to Ladybug or disagree in season 4 i’m actually going to go insane when that happens. In my live reaction to that chapter i’ll literally decompose or something.

I LOVE THE IMAGERY AT THE END. BTW. PUSHING HER HAIR BACK OVER HER EYES BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHO SHE IS. IT MAKES ME CRAZY. 

[— — —]

P.S. I’ve been smiling the whole time reading this, just thinking about reading more and getting to my favourite moment’s is making me all giddy, thank you for sharing your stories Cap they’re fantastic and you’re incredible for writing them :3

P.P.S. For some reason this one is about 1.5 times the length of the last one?? idk why, new enemy; consistency.

YAHHH IM SO EXCITED TO GET YOUR REVIEWS OKAY QUESTION TIME

Question 1: Yes I have! There's scenes in Panthera that are like directly inspired by the fic, esp in chapter 1, but I've since edited these scenes to make them less like the scenes from Powers of Invisibility. Its such a good fic, and really got me into Juleka, and I re-read it often to kinda get into her vibe of as a person.

THE TOXIC LADYNOIRE YURI WASNT INTENTIONAL FROM THE START BUT MAN WAS IT ALWAYS DOOMED TO HAPPEN <3 its almost meta

Im glad you enjoyed Adrien! I always wanna make sure he's not forgotten. I want him to still be the guy who could've been Chat Noir yknow!

Question 2: When writing this my idea was that Luka was homeschooled because they couldn't afford sending them both to school, and he rather had Juleka go to school than him. But in one of the episodes it was implied he Did go to school just a different one. So, Im not sure anymore tbh

Question 3: He's running by good samaritan laws and also magical vibes. Sometimes souls are just a bit more attuned to magic. Also he chooses young people because while adults who pick up miraculouses will have an easier time from the start, children can adapt and grow even more powerful over the course of many years. This is morally pretty bad, but he was also chosen as a child so the trauma clouds his views a bit.

Question 4: Her english va speaks with a weird fucked up mix of a scottish and pirate accent in the show and I think theres a scottish flag on the Liberty!

Found it!

Juleka's decision to be a hero being stemmed entirely on the safety of her loved ones was always a key part of her I always found intentional. Despite her lack of self preservation in the thick of things, I imagine she just tries to avoid things from the start? This scene was edited a while back from Luka actually being seen injured by Juleka on tv to something more believable- which is the current version you most likely read.

Question 5: The Ladybug and Cat miraculous are always drawn to each other. I imagine throughout history, they were always forced to be enemies of some kind or as separate as possible due to how powerful this draw was. Juleka's also already very attached to Marinette, so it was a funky mix that kinda pushed that recognition. So while Juleka is close to Alya (somewhat) that's not enough to carry her past through that thick layer of glamour. (Doesn't help that Alya's got the illusion miraculous too!)

Also; I like to imagine that if Luka can magically hear what people's hearts sound like, Juleka has that but for her eyes. It's a, Hear no Evil, See no Evil thing- that I may explore later. Look man, Anarka's ancestors were probably on some shot.

Question 6: It's hard to put it but, it's less of a crush and more... these two are genuinely in love and I'm genuinely writing it that way. They just don't recognize it and it's muddled with a lot of other feelings so it's just never on their mind until it is and it gets very chaotic. Marinette has considered a crush on Panthera but she waves it off as crazy every time I think.

IM SO GLAD YOU READ INTO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JULEKA AND MARINETTE. It's so fun.

-

Chapter two! Absolutely its about dodging taxes. Fun fact; I've found that camembert is actually not that expensive. But I imagine the kind Plagg likes is.

Question 7: They do! Alya's glamour is stronger than average and she and Juleka have better night vision, a sense of hearing, and smell. Of course there's unreliable narrator stuff, but I do imagine Juleka's nails are much stronger now.

ALSO RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?? ITS INSANE THAT THAT CAN JUST OCCUR. THE AKUMA MULTIPLICATION THING. THEY NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN ITS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY.

Also for sure Juleka hates heroism. It's her new curse. But she's got a duty to fulfill with it. She treats it like an unpaid 9-5

Question 8: Absolutely has Rose felt those feelings! It probably fueled her crush on Panthera a lot! But the glamour worked just too perfectly on her, poor thing. Power of love ain't enough.

Im glad you enjoyed re-reading Panthera! It's the hardest thing to do for me lol but the idea that the start can still bring joy to people makes me really happy. Cheers!

[baeddel]

because i'm playing Bloodborne i can't just write down my thoughts on my computer without getting up to change the HDMI cable around, so i've been taking notes on paper. like a neanderthal. so far my page goes like this:

Flaubert—St. Anthony—'who sees' cannot be St. Anthony in Neb.'s city—but Anthony is 'focalizing' still?

Bloodborne—Gilbert—we misremembered—thinks he can 'die human', already sick—seems important lost use of legs! the scourge!

Symbols—repeating in a bicameral way, w/out knowing their importance—of flowers, virgins cf. Uzumaki

to expand in order:

Gerard Genette proposes the concept of 'focalization' to deal with the fact that 'who speaks?' and 'who sees?' is often different, in a way that isn't captured by the term 'point of view.' basically, we can see through the eyes of a particular character within the story even when they aren't narrating in first person; we understand that the narrator is still conveying their interpretation.

well, throughout Flaubert's Temptation of St. Anthony we are obviously getting St. Anthony's interpretation. in fact, most of the time St. Anthony is also the one speaking. when he isn't speaking we get a lot of explicit descriptions of his reactions to the things just described.

Then many things appear which he has never seen before—black hashes, jellies, the color of gold, ragouts in which mushrooms float like nenuphars upon ponds, dishes of whipt cream light as clouds.

And the aroma of all this comes to him together with the salt smell of the ocean, the coolness of mountains, the great perfumes of the woods. He dilates his nostrils to their fullest extent; his mouth waters; he thinks to himself that he has enough before him for a year, for ten years, for his whole life!

this keeps going as he passed through temptations which strain ordinary perception:

He beholds at one glance, the two ports (the Great Port and the Eunostus), both round as circuses

later there is a long sequence where St. Anthony wanders through a enormous palace belonging to Nebuchadnezzar and encounters fabulously gory scenes:

On the pavement below crawl the captive kings whose hands and feet have been cut off; from time to time he flings them bones to gnaw. Further off sit his brothers, with bandages across their eyes, being all blind.

eventually this elevates to descriptions of the entire city, the entirety of which St. Anthony cannot possibly be the observer:

From the depths of the ergastula arise moans of ceaseless pain. Sweet slow sounds of a hydraulic organ alternate with choruses of song; and one feels that all about the palace without extends an immeasurable city—an ocean of human life whose waves break against the walls.

actually, it occurs to me that Flaubert—or is it Lafcadio Hearn, the translator?—does insure against this boiling over of the perspective, confining the description to what 'one feels' would be true about the entire palace, as though you could guess something like that. later on, the return to St. Anthony's person is called out to help us stick the landing:

Anthony, from afar off, reads all these thoughts upon his brow.

i have nothing to say about it really, just an interesting use of narration.

on the second point, a minor correction to my big post; the player is actually misled about what illness Gilbert has. Gilbert does have the beast plague—we know that because he turns into a beast later. but he explicitly says he doesn't have it: "I can even die human." he says this because he believes that "their [Yharnam's] blood bought me time." he obviously came to Yharnam to seek blood healing from the Healing Church for whatever illness he had, and he thinks it worked. it didn't work; it gave him the scourge and its about to kill him just like it did everyone else in Yharnam. on the second playthrough we can understand the tragic irony in this line of Gilbert's, which on the first playthrough is a red herring.

Gilbert is the only character with a cough that i can remember, so that's probably his original illness. tuberculosis, why not? his other symptoms are side effects of the Healing Church's blood ministration, i believe. he can no longer use his legs. he blames his TB for this, as if to say 'thats how bad it's gotten now', but this is a widespread problem in Yharnam and appears to be an iatrogenic effect of blood ministration.

Gilbert's misunderstanding of his own condition reminds me a lot of Terrare. when Terrare was dying he got in touch with his old doctor and confessed to him that once upon a time, a long time ago, he swallowed a little golden spoon, and he believed that it was now stuck in his intestine and was killing him. it only made sense to him that he would die because of something unusual he ate, since his unusual eating defined his life so much. when they performed an autopsy on him they did indeed find the little golden spoon he talked about. but that's not why he died—he died of TB, like everyone else.

on the last point, there are repeating motifs in Bloodborne. some of these are: small white flowers, blind or veiled female figures, the spade (as in playing cards), perforation. there are lots more than that. these reoccur all over the place: statues, gravestones, architecture, the design on the reverse side of a wheelchair, and so forth. they also have cosmological importance; kin grow out of small white flowers ('lumenflowers') and flowers also have some relationship with the Great One named Flora, blindness is generally important in Bloodborne, from scourge symptoms (bandaged eyes) to blindness or blindfolding promoting higher forms of knowledge (Byrgenworth & the Choir both use it), and women are obviously important to Great Ones for their fecundity. the Spade i don't totally understand, but it represents Communion in the Choir cosmology. finally, perforation is seen on the Amygdala head and on some important otherworldly objects.

regular Yharnamites producing secular textiles cannot possibly know all that stuff, since not even all factions within the Healing Church know about all of it. further, we encounter them with as much frequency in the Chalice Dungeons (ruins of 'classical' civilizations). the implication, to my mind, is that these symbols work a bit like Oedon, expressing themselves through the creative activities of mortals who are ignorant of their origin and significance. they repeat the lexemes of the cosmic language over and over, never learning their true meaning. that's why it reminded me of Uzumaki—people start to, for example, make spiral-patterned pottery, ignorant of their role in the cosmic drama of The Spiral and its will.

it occurs to me that this implies a concurrentist or at least occasionalist theory of causation. Mr. Saito makes spiral pottery because he liked them, but Mr. Saito was also wholly and entirely making spiral pottery because The Spiral willed it. this is how many medieval Christians understood the relationship between God and Nature. i wonder if it has a parallel in Japanese thought?

[variousqueerthings]

giving the new hellraiser an extra half star on letterboxd just to spite the people who’re being really grumpy about it, because most of the time people are either 

a. overly comparing it to the original in a way that doesn’t actually address the lore-building in this movie on its own merits (just “oh the Cenobites don’t look the same as they used to,” “oh this wasn’t how it was in the original,” etc)

b. calling the main character “annoying” which immediately makes me lose interest in a review about a movie with an interesting female protagonist

also some other feelings about it (with heavy spoilers), many of which are sentiments I didn’t see explored on letterboxd (although I didn’t go too far because I’d have just been annoyed):

Horror definitely is too glossy these days as a whole, I will agree with that, and Hellraiser especially is something that could benefit from more grit and sweat and tactile sex, however this one DID give us some wonderful things:

- The conceptual Drag Looks, really fascinating elevated aesthetics (Cenobite Aesthetes - arbiters of Taste - that sounds about right for them). My watch-partner and I loved every Cenobite, they really went off with the designs, and with pushing the genderlessness of them. I wish there were more body-types though, they ought to be past the idea that thinness = elevation, especially since a bunch of them barely look human at all! (I’m going to assume that they’re also around, since there was a fat Cenobite in the original, but wish the movie itself had thought of doing that)

I like the meta-choice of casting Jamie Clayton as well. Since she was playing the lead-priest, there was a sense of worship being placed on her body-as-a-trans-body as well as having achieved the ultimate form of beauty and transformation (in the case of the movie “their body”, since the Cenobites are genderless)

I loved how fundamentally Alien they were once more, fully operating under their own, clear (to them) rules. And I liked that by the end the main character figured out how to play by those rules too.

- Obviously will always think the BDSM/kink "pleasure and pain" element of them ought to be more of a focal point than it's ever been since the first movie, but I was pretty into this idea of being given a gift and it being filtered through this inherently alien worldview (not evil, just alien). The box was always a gift after all.

The gore was fully Happening, a lot of it based in flaying, which is especially yeurgh to me, but like yay for the gore! (even though I was watching with my hands over my eyes). Speaking of “not enough sexy” there was time dedicated and focus and... practically tenderness? to a lot of those scenes that definitely made them feel like BDSM play!

Head-Cenobite genuinely thought the lead was kind of sexy for choosing a lifetime of bitterness and regret, was like "damn that's kinkier than I've ever been."

- Also opens up some interesting questions (that would need a TV series to go into with more depth) about the nature of sensation, power-dynamics, worship, pleasure and pain, and of course about grief. Her brother was dead from almost the beginning and it was her fault, and throughout it all she's spiralling into this desperate attempt to save him somehow despite it all, and she could have ended up taking the Cenobites gift, despite knowing it's poison -- she's a very coherent character who makes a lot of smart decisions, while staving off the reality that her relapsing led to her brother's death, it's a neat arc.

It’s got a lot of questions in it, and a lot of lore to play with

- My one real nitpick (apart from the need for more sexiness of the Actual Sex variety) is that Trevor's motives were too shallow to fully allow his betrayal to feel real. I called him from the start, but kept expecting more of an explanation. The idea that he's willingly engaging in this extreme violence "just" for money, only for him to turn around and seem kind of apologetic was a bit weak. Should've let him go full-bastard OR full-bastard-but-I-love-you-babe-despite-not-planning-to, not this kind of halfway "eh, this maybe went a bit far, but I'll stand by and let it happen I guess?" like... my guy. These people are gonna be doomed to eternal torment and it seems like you knew that. At what point was it too far for you?

Overall this concept: what is life, but one big sensation? savour it all, even (especially) the pain.

My favourite since the original for sure

[aspoonfuloffiction]

would love to hear your thoughts on the non period-specific misogyny in Bridgerton! I definitely picked up on the ones relating to the almost comical extent to which Julia made double-standards for men and women before marriage (men weren't just sexually active- no, they were always the biggest rakes in all of England, and women weren't just sheltered- they knew absolutely nothing about sex). what are your thoughts?

This is very very late because I thought I posted it but saved it to my drafts because I am stupid.

But thanks for asking!!! This is very long.

The Bridgerton books are filled with misogynistic tropes and themes. While some are period specific not many are not:

The Character Dynamics:

The dynamics between the 4 Bridgerton brothers is pretty well established in canon we see Benedict and Colin supporting Anthony during the season he decided to get married. We see Anthony, Benedict, Colin, and Gregory work together to gang up on Eloise and Philip. The main plotline of OTWTTW opens with Anthony and Gregory talking about Greg’s plans for the future. Colin fencing with Ben when he needs help with his emotions re Sophie…I can keep going

Meanwhile how many scenes can you name where 2 or more of the sisters have a meaningful conversation (not passing quips but a conversation that is meaningful in both quality and depth) with each other?Other than Eloise and Francesca in the second epilogue for WHWW…I can’t think of any.

Also adjacent problem—Save for Eloise in TSPWL the Bridgerton women are almost always treated as the secondary character in their respective books. While the Bridgerton men share equal or are the main focal point in their book.

Daphne takes a backseat in 75% of TDAI for Simon’s daddy issues. Her reason for entering the fake courtship deal is glossed over by chapter 5.

Francesca starts off promising in WHWW, JQ makes you think the book’ll explore Francesca’s grief. Nope! There are 2 chapters in the immediate wake of John’s death-1.5 of them are in Michael’s POV. By the time we actually get into Francesca’s perspective JQ has jumped forward 4 years. All of Francesca’s grief settled. And we spend most of the book dealing with Michael grief and guilt.

Hyacinth in INHK is just Hyacinth in TDAI but in a grown up body. The whole book is about Gareth’s daddy issues and Hyacinth is an accessory. In fact the best development we get for Hyacinth is actually in her scenes in OTWTTW.

And when you contrast that with the Brothers —in the end it leaves you feeling like you barely know the Bridgerton women. (For example I could not tell you one thing about Hyacinth’s motivations)

Female antagonists

Most of the antagonists in the series are plays on the “bitchy superficial woman” trope. Portia in TVWLM, Araminta and Rosamund in AOFAG, Cressida and Portia again in RMB, Marina (not exactly bitchy superficial but the cold unaffectionate wife and mother is still not a great look) in TSPWL

TDAI, INHK, and OTWTTW are the only ones with a male antagonist in Simon’s father, Gareth’s father, and Lucy’s uncle. (Granted OTWTTW gives us the absolute terrible character that is Hermione Watson who I argue is just as bad.) And WHWW doesn’t really have an antagonizing presence.

So 4 to 3 isn’t exactly a strong majority to find fault except that the female antagonists are all plays on the same trope over and over again. Araminta has some depth but even she is just the frigid, gold digging, superficial trope at the core. Meanwhile the male antagonists are actual characters we understand their villain-y motivations.

Sexuality and Femininity

You touched on this in your message- the men are always these experienced rakes deflowering and pleasing their virginal partners. (I mean for all the credit Bridgerton the show got for being about the female gaze the books are written as the ideal male fantasy)

And even in WHWW where Francesca is a widow therefore experienced and knows what she wants even then Michael has vastly more experience than she does and Michael still thinks of their first time together as compromising Francesca so the power dynamics are more of the same. ( Btw how interesting this dynamic be if Michael was less experienced than Francesca? A woman teaching a man about sex in a regency romance???)

In the same vein: none of the Bridgerton brothers marry great notable beauties. Kate, Sophie, Penelope, and Lucy are all described as alternatively beautiful in some way. That is some regency “not like other girls” nonsense. Meanwhile all 4 brothers are stellar husband picks. In A,B, and C’s case its noted in text that they settled. (With Lucy and Gregory it is a slightly different dynamic as Lucy has the higher title-but still Greg was perusing Hermione first and it took a while for him to then noticed Lucy).

And with the Bridgerton sisters the same “not like other girls” vibe applies. Daphne just can’t find a match because she’s “one of the boys!”. Eloise is a spinster-y feminist unbothered by boring things like marriage. Francesca and Hyacinth are not explicitly part of this trope but they are also hardly developed all that much to be a trope.

Its the vilification of traditional femininity that I find uncomfortable. Women can want to feel pretty, get married, and crave domesticity without being superficial or vain.

This is not to say Julia Quinn isn’t a phenomenal writer with beautiful books. This is just to say its good to be critical of the media we like!

[pillage-and-lute]

Pins and Needles: Part 3

Part 1, Part 2

———- 🌷 🐺 🌷———-

The butter yellow of the awning of the new tattoo shop carried on inside. The color scheme was classy, though. 

During Geralt’s mostly misspent youth, he’d been inside his fare share of tattoo and piercing parlors. He’d never gotten a tattoo, and his piercings had mostly been his own work, but still, the culture seeped in. He had learned to expect a lot of red and black and exposed brickwork. There was nothing wrong with that look, but he considered the interior of Pins and Needles to be much more friendly. 

The walls were a deep blue, denim, if he had to name it, or perhaps Prussian Blue. It was on all the walls, and the ceiling, with the floor in a dark, smooth wood. He wasn’t sure if that was kept from the last shop or was newly installed. The counter was in the same polished, dark wood, so he supposed it was new. All the accents were dandelion yellow, or yellow brass if they were metal. His leg brushed up against a velveteen chair, something of a vintage style, and of course, in that same buttery yellow. 

The waiting area had the chair, a matching loveseat, and a high-backed chaise lounge in a teal color. It had more green to it’s color than the walls, and was in a lighter shade, but it was adjacent to the color of the walls, and a pleasing focal point. Overall, Geralt was impressed. The blue and yellow color scheme could have easily been overdone, but it was masterful, and clearly completed by someone with an eye for color. 

Ciri was delightedly pouring over a piercing display. Geralt was startled to realize he owned the exact display box. It was, in fact, a large glass terrarium, the metal that same shiny brass. The shelves of piercing were cleverly angled and set within the case so that they were all visible. 

“Nice display case, isn’t it?” 

Geralt turned, and there was Jaskier. He had a BB8 coffee mug in his hand, and a shimmery teal shirt unbuttoned low. It framed his sternum and the peaks of color visible through his chest hair and pointing down in a tempting arrow to--

“urk,” Geralt said, choking on his own tongue. 

“Priscilla found it on the side of the road one day, the legs were scuffed to hell and one was missing, but the glass was intact, so she took it back to her house and fixed it up.”

“I have the same one,” Geralt managed, the tips of his ears reddening.

“Oh, as a display case?”

“Um, it’s a terrarium.”

“Is it really?” Jaskier beamed and Geralt felt like he was dying. “I always thought it was a funny shape. It makes such a lovely focal point along that wall though.”

Ciri was beaming as well. “Dad keeps succulents in his. Is Priscilla the lady that does piercings?”

“She is,” Jaskier said, tilting his head so that his hair flopped and Gerald got a better view of his undercut and dangling chain of a cuff piercing on his ear. “Are you in the market for a piercing, miss...”

“Ciri,” she said, sticking her hand out to shake. “And my dad might get a tattoo sometime, but he’s being a baby about it and doesn’t know what he wants.”

Jaskier shook her hand and levelled a devastating grin at Geralt. “Well, some things aren’t to be rushed, but if your dad ever want’s a tattoo, I’ll give him anything he wants.”

Geralt desperately tried to reel his thoughts in from the absolute trainwreck that that statement illicited. Obviously Jaskier was just trying to sell his craft not offer...anything else. 

“Are you taking walk-ins for piercings?” Ciri asked. 

“Absolutely,” Jaskier said, turning and shouting. “Priscilla?” Down the hall of the shop where, presumably, the actuall tattooing and piercing rooms were. 

“YEah?” came the response. 

“Got a consult for you!”

She poked her head out of a room, smiled quickly, popped back in for a second, then emerged. “Hiya, sorry, I was just doing a little sketching, how can I help?”

“I’d like an industrial piercing please,” Ciri said. 

Priscilla tilted her head, eyes squinting slightly as she, apparently, assesed Ciri’s ears. “That’ll suit you well, left or right side?”

“Left.”

“Cool,” she looked to Geralt. “I’m assuming you’re the dad?”

“Uh, yes,” Geralt said, feeling wildly out of his depth. 

“Great, and does she have your permission for the piercing?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, absolutely.”

“Cool,” Priscilla said, digging behind the counter. “I’ve got paper work for both of you, and then we can get this lovely lady poked full of holes.”

Geralt’s stomach flipped over. Despite how many times he had actually stuck a fucking sewing needle through his own ear as a teenager, he couldn’t stand the thought of normal piercing needles. 

“It’s okay, Dad,” Ciri said as they were handed paperwork and pens. “You don’t have to hold my hand or anything, you can wait out here.”

“Great,” Geralt said, looking at the paperwork. Pretty standard stuff, parental release, aftercare papers, all that. He signed quickly and returned the relevant documents, keeping the aftercare instructions. 

“Thanks very much,” Priscilla said, checking for signatures before smiling at Ciri again. “Got any jewelry picked out?” They walked over to the case as Ciri gestured to some. 

Jaskier was looking at Geralt assessingly over the top of his coffee mug. “You know,” he said. “Most dads aren’t this cool about piercings.” He licked a bit of foam off of his lip and Geralt tried very hard to pretend that he hadn’t seen the flash of a tongue piercing. 

“I, uh, I’ve got plenty of bad ones, I’d rather she got her’s done professionally.”

“Bad ones?” Priscilla’s head jerked up. “Can I see?”

Geralt nodded as she was already bustleing over. He brushed the strands of hair that escaped his ponytail back so she could see his ears. 

“Amatur work for sure, although no lasting damage, where’d you get these done?” 

Geralt flushed. “I did them, uhm, way back.”

“Oh god, you didn’t buy one of those cheep piercing guns, did you?” Priscilla asked, poking gently at Geralt’s ear so she could look at the back of the piercings. Jaskier smiled at Geralt’s probably confused expression. 

“No, I used a needle.”

Priscilla pulled back, eyes wide. “A sewing needle?”

Geralt shrugged guiltily.

“Yeah, okay,” she said quickly, turning to Ciri. “Hold out your pinky, you have to make me a promise.”

Ciri’s brow furrowed, but she linked pinky fingers with the excitable piercer. 

“I promise,” Priscilla said, gesturing with her other hand for Ciri to repeat after her.

“I promise,” Ciri said. 

“Not to pierce myself.”

“Not to pierce myself,” Ciri said, smiling.

“No matter what my dad did.”

“No matter what my dad did,” Ciri finished. “I won’t, don’t worry.”

“Good,” Priscilla said, releasing Ciri’s pinky from it’s hold and sending a theatrical shiver of disgust toward Geralt. “A sewing needle, yikes. C’mon kiddo, we’re gonna stick a needle through your ear, and I’ll show you how a real piercer does it.”

She hurried Ciri into the back room, grabbing a couple sealed packages on the way, needle and jewelry, Geralt presumed. 

“Don’t mind Prissy,” Jaskier said. “She’s just very big on piercing safety.”

“No, I agree,” Geralt said. “I was a really stupid kid back then.”

Jaskier smiled and came out from around the counter a bit, leaning against the side, hip jutting in those ungodly tight leather pants. “Ciri seems pretty smart though, does she get it from her mother?”

“Um,” Geralt said, the sight of those long, leather-wrapped legs making his mouth weirdly dry. “I suppose? Her dad was pretty smart, too.”

“Ah, so you’re not her biological dad?” Jaskier said, leaning forward. Geralt wondered for a second if he was fishing, but surely not, pretty tattoo artists didn’t flirt with frumpy guys like him. 

“No, uh, but I’ve been her guardian since she was just a baby so...”Geralt trailed off, unsure how to finish.

“That’s very cute.” Jaskier’s eyes trailed down Geralt, then back up. To his shame, Geralt realized he hadn’t even removed his apron. 

“You know,” Jaskier said, conversationally. “My dad would have never even thought about letting me get a piercing.”

Geralt looked over the form in front of him, piercings in each ear, more than one, even, a nose ring, and that ellusive tongue ring, as well as the colorful tattoos that swarmed over his skin. “That worked out well for him,” he said without thinking, then blushed.

Jaskier, though, laughed, head back, shoulders shaking. “Indeed,” he said at last. “I shrugged off my father’s wishes rather fully, I think.” 

The bell rang as another person entered the shop and Geralt stepped aside as Jaskier went back behind the counter. He sat on the yellow chair and watched Jaskier’s lips--and that hint of silver on his tongue-- as he made the young woman a tattoo appointment. 

Jaskier’s hands, full of rings and swirling ink, were so quick on the computer keys, and when he talked with them, they were so expressive. 

Geralt wanted to hold one. 

Unfortunately, by the time the young woman was gone and Geralt could have possibly had Jaskier’s full attention again, Ciri was all done. Geralt paid, thanked both Jaskier and Priscilla, and went over the care instructions, before he and Ciri crossed the road. 

It felt very much like a retreat. 

———- 🌷 🐺 🌷———-

Tag List!

@jaybeefoxy @sweetiepieplum  @holymotherwolf

[south-park-meta]

how would you describe Stan and randys relationship?

Oh God I have some thoughts.

Well I think that Randy legitimately loves Stan. I also think that despite Stan saying 'I hate you' to Randy recently that Stan still legitimately loves his dad, too. It's just getting harder and harder to express his frustration for Randy and for living on Tegridy Farms as a whole because using his actual words has gotten shot down HARD. Especially considering the Pandemic Special it's hard to root for Randy, but I think that if they still lived in town their relationship would be mostly fine, and I think if they moved back to town their relationship would be mostly recoverable from where it's at.

But as a whole until recently I think their relationship was close. Yeah Stan was embarrassed by Randy....a lot... at things like baseball games. But he's also defended his dad despite being embarrassed by him. He's also sincerely smiled at and wanted to spend time with Randy, doing fun things together. He's also consistently had no problem with telling his parents when things are wrong with him on a personal level. He talks to them over dinner when things go bad without any arm-twisting, and really without even hiding anything. Even now that Randy is extremely dismissive, Stan says outright to his parents that he wants to move back to his old home. Even with being repeatedly ignored, they DO have a relationship where he feels safe and comfortable enough to voice his feelings about stuff like that, or about having bad days at school-- getting bad grades, not getting along with kids, whatever. He hides very little about himself from either of his parents unless he has to to sneak out to hang out with his friends or something of that nature.

What he DOES hide more of recently is his depression. Not over things like wanting to go home. He does say what would make his life easier. What he actually WANTS. But the depth of being sad, the degree to which he's struggling is very uniquely something he does not talk to his parents about. In the Pandemic Special

Sharon How was school, Stanley?

Stan It's not school! It's a freakin' joke. We're not even learning anything.

Sharon I know this has all been really hard on you, Stanley. Do you wanna talk about it?

Stan No, I'm fine, Mom! You know, I'm strong. I'm just worried about how this is all affecting weaker kids like, you know, like Butters.

Sharon Yeah. Well, it's nice you care about our friend, but if you need to talk... I know this is really hard on everyone.

Like it's not even that he's not talking to his friends out of embarrassment. He's also not talking to his parents about it. And WHY he's not is right there: he wants to seem strong for them. But why is that?

And that's something that comes down to, primarily, his relationship with Randy. It is honestly, truly, filled not only with love but like. He often has a good and friendly relationship with Randy when he's not being embarrassed by him. It is also filled with dysfunction. That's true for his entire family dynamic (like his parents breaking up and getting back together a million times), but a lot of its focal point is Randy, plus that's what the ask's about so I'll hone in on that lol.

One of my very favorite, like hands-down VERY FAVORITE Randy and Stan moments is the end of Bloody Mary after they talk about going home and Randy gives him a piggy back ride.

I love the hell out of this. There aren't that many moments on South Park, collectively, where you can say parents and kids actually like hanging out together. This is a moment where it is clear as day that Stan and Randy love each other and WANT to spend time together. Randy loves his son. Stan WANTS his father.

It's also come at the end of an entire episode of Stan having to play the adult while his dad plays the child because he's an alcoholic. He's had to take on the role many alcoholics' kids take and tend to his dad's emotional and physical needs-- even, at eight years old having to drive his dad around because it's ON HIM to get his dad help, or Randy will just drive himself and risk getting in a car crash or getting arrested and spending 10 years away from his family. As a side note, this episode is a fantastic foil to recent seasons: in this episode, Stan actually drives the car to keep his dad from getting arrested, because he loves Randy and wants him there at home. In recent episodes, Randy is again threatened with being thrown in jail for a long time and Stan is filled with relief just because it means he can finally go back home. That is a big, big, important change.

Moments like that, moments where he's loved his dad with his whole, entire heart and put himself at risk to protect Randy, have affected his ability to share the things that make him weak. That make him have to really be the child, taken care of for more than a day or two. He might ask to go to the doctor, he might say something's wrong-- but the extended support, the actual admittance that he's not coping well, is difficult for him to talk about because he's been slammed into the caretaker role with Randy since he was in the third grade at the LATEST.

The change has been depression. And not just Stan's. That's made it difficult for Stan to talk about things, sure. But the entire family has been depressed.

You're Getting Old:

Randy Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft] Sharon I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.

Randy I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.

Sharon I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me.

Randy You kind of seem shitty to me too.

Sharon People get older, Randy. People grow apart.

Ass Burgers:

Sharon [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know...

Stan No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn.

Sharon People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know.

Dead Kids:

Sharon There's been another school shooting. Stan's been shot.

Randy Shuh-should we get down there?

Sharon [Sighs] It's not the end of the world. [smiles]

Randy [sighs in relief] Aaaaah. I love you, Sharon. [they hug as he cries on her shoulder]

Tegridy Farms:

Randy I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?

Sharon What do you mean?

Randy I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Sharon Are you being serious?

Randy Never been more serious.

Randy and Sharon have been depressed. They've been struggling. They struggled as a couple. They struggled separately. And they continue to struggle after getting back together. They continue to be depressed and miserable and feel the weight of the entire town of South Park. They struggle so much against the weight of everything that's fucked up, that they eventually cave to 'fucked up' being 'normal' and just...don't care when Stan's shot. Even though they do, ACTUALLY, love him. They're just so worn down.

So they make a radical change and move to Tegridy, where they can get a fresh start and be happy.

Except they aren't.

Sharon, Stan, and Shelly all think it sucks and say so. They're willing to chalk it up as a failure, even when it seems to have nothing to do with making enough money to stay afloat. They're all in agreement they should just go back home because moving has done nothing to fix what was actually wrong with them.

Randy fights it.

But the thing is, Randy's depressed too. He thinks Tegridy, his dream, sucks too. He's still depressed. He's still an alcoholic. And both things are worse than before. He's seen drinking more. He's seen going on more hard drug benders than in earlier seasons. He is miserable and he is spiraling.

The reason he can't admit it is because he and Stan are a lot alike. Admitting Tegridy Farms isn't making him happy is the same as Stan admitting that the weird quest he tried to rope Kyle to going on to fix his cynicism wouldn't have helped. When it comes down to it they're both faced with admitting that the problem is them. That they're just cynical, depressed, miserable. That where they are, who they're with, isn't going to change that. They've both turned to their addictions to cope. They're both shorter-tempered than before.

The family as a whole is in a terrible mental space.

So Stan and Randy's relationship is dysfunctional in the way real world relationships are dysfunctional. They love each other. They even just like each other. They will protect each other. But Stan's been pushed from being the child to being a parent by, at the absolute latest, third grade. He grew up with this as his normal. And yeah, when he was younger he was aware enough it was embarrassing, but when he was younger he could kind of handle it. He still loved his dad. He still wanted to spend time with his dad. The embarrassing stuff was like, a quirk. Just a 'well you know how my dad is' shrug of the shoulders. He was still happy and healthy, naive in many ways to alcohol abuse and mental instability. He could handle it even if it wasn't a good dynamic, and even if he knew it wasn't normal.

Stan's becoming depressed himself, becoming an addict himself, and losing the innocence of childhood that protects you from the bad things the world holds. He's becoming more and more weighed down, but because of his dynamic with his family, and Randy in particular, he's just kind of stuck with it. Telling his friends feels like a burden. Telling his family feels like a burden. He's been trying to help himself, both in unhealthy ways like addiction, and in healthy ways like making new friends and playing card games/board games. But it's hard. And his and his dad's problems are feeding off of each other. Stan and Randy are very much alike. In good ways, and in terrible ways.

Even their best as we know it on South Park isn't normal or a situation Stan should be in. But I do think that Randy loves his son and even now at its worst I do think that Stan loves Randy-- he's just so ridiculously exhausted he can't stand his dad at all. They need a lot of help to get to a healthier place but I think there's a core there that could facilitate it in a way I don't think is possible with some other family relationships in SP.

[deans-haunted-baby]

Dadstiel Shoulder Touch Analysis

I want to take some time to discuss something about this incredible father/son dynamic that I don’t think gets enough recognition. And that is their connection. A connection layered in so many different attributes yet primarily based on physical touch. Apologies this is going to be long. Despite my saltiness towards Supernatural as I feel the show squandered them during its run, I really love the amount of attention to detail that was put into Castiel and Jack’s relationship. It kind of has a Terminator inspired vibe going on which I can’t deny enjoying. The bodyguard and the future savior of mankind. And this bond was in development all the way back in season 12; long before Jack was born. 

During 12x19 it’s through his mother Kelly, that the son of Lucifer forges an emotional attachment with the trench-coated angel whom he imprints on to be his surrogate dad. From the moment Castiel puts his hand on her belly, and feels Jack, they instantly fall in love with each other. At first touch. Trusting each other completely without the slightest bit of doubt as they sense the other’s good aura. It’s a devotion unlike anything Cas has ever experienced in his millions of years. Even more than what he’s felt for Sam and Dean. And it happens before he and Jack even get to see each other. Their bond becomes intensely essential that it boosts Castiel’s grace, allowing him to protect Kelly and her son from Dagon as well as cause a rip in time and space.

After Jack is born and in the care of the Winchesters, scared, lost and confused yet curious as an infant in an adolescent body; the child wanders aimlessly searching for Castiel. All he wants in that moment is to be with Castiel because that is who he recognizes as his father. Missing him and needing to feel that same warmth, protection and compassion he felt from inside his mother’s womb. However, following the tragic circumstances that led to the angel’s unexpected death at the hands of Jack’s biological dad in 12x23, these two are forcibly separated in the beginning of season 13. Until Jack instinctively resurrects Castiel out of the Empty through his own will and desire alone at the very end of 13x03. Proving that no matter how far away they are, the tether between them can’t be broken.

These two don’t even need an introduction from Sam and Dean when 13x06 finally reunites them for the first time. Jack immediately knows who Castiel is going off on his mother’s memories. And their reunion comes so naturally. There’s no awkwardness, no hesitation or apprehensiveness emanating from the angel’s presence. Jack just walks right up to Cas, puts his arms around him and tells him how much he missed him. Its as if they’d never been apart. And afterwards they spend nearly the entire episode practically inseparable. Getting to know each other as father and son. And that goes without saying, while Jack did bond with the Winchesters in person first, there is no comparison to the Nephilim boy’s emotional attachment towards the angel.

This special relationship is very significant to both of them. Around each other they’re at their most happiest. Castiel is constantly at Jack’s side; and ALMOST ALWAYS tenderly touching him, namely his shoulders or protectively holding him by the arm and the child wholly reciprocates this. In Castiel’s gentle physical touch Jack is given a sense of security, solace, reassurance and comfort. Same as he’d had as an unborn baby. Not only is this the angel’s way of demonstrating his affection, empathy and devotion towards his son but this is actually how he non-verbally tells Jack that he loves him. Its purely unconditional. And this gesture isn’t one-sided as I will acknowledge later. Jack desires Cas’s tangible nearness as much as his dad does which is why they’re so magnetically pulled together in all of their scenes on the show. 

Even when they’re at conflict with each other or arguing, Castiel never fails to let Jack know that he’s always safe and loved. That he isn’t afraid of him. His son could be in pain, angry, or vengeful in the moment and Castiel’s affection for that child will never waver. He’ll endlessly put his own life at risk in order to reach Jack; who is far more powerful than he is via his archangel half. Like the convivence store scene in 13x23 when Jack attacks a civilian believing he’d killed his friend and Cas does his best to subdue him. Whether Jack wants it or not at the time, he needs his dad’s emotional support; and the angel can’t stand the thought of his son harmed or hurting. He’s easily saddened whenever Jack refuses his touch as shown in 13x21 when he was very upset over Sam’s temporary death and rips away Cas’s hand as he’s trying to console him.

Supernatural really emphasizes the powerful connection Castiel and Jack share using physical communication in nearly every one of their episodes. Its these wonderful details they do onscreen that illustrates the depth of love these characters have for each other. Unfortunately though, they didn’t get to interact much during season 13. Yet the small portions in their four episodes together is exceptionally substantial. While we’re on the subject, the shoulder touches are definitely a Dadstiel thing. It’s their signature sign of affection and theirs’s only. Don’t believe me, let me give you an example of a specific scene in 14x19 between Jack and Sam; which takes place in the aftermath of Jack’s accidental killing of the Winchesters’ mother Mary.

Dean and Sam conspire to trick and lock away the soulless infant Nephilim in a mystical coffin as punishment with the intention of finding a solution that will end his life. Sam is the reluctant main player in this scheme of using his influence over the child in order to gain his trust and sway him into his fate. Just before Jack’s about to be led to the room and put into the box, scared and uncertain, Sam then puts his hand on his shoulder telling him they need to keep him safe while giving him an awkward grin. And look at Jack’s expression as this happens. It reads shattered. He immediately knows something’s wrong. Sam is touching him just like Castiel…except this is nothing like Castiel. His dad’s shoulder touches are always so tender and loving. 

Jack can literally feel Cas’s devotion for him in every tangibility. But here he doesn’t feel that from Sam at all. Its cold, fearful and empty just like he is on the inside. Rendering him even more nervous. Speaking of season 14 the father/son content we get between Castiel and Jack is even better that year as its all about their relationship growing and strengthening into something far deeper than it was in the previous seasons 12 and 13. It’s the year their bond is put through the ultimate test. Where Jack is made human after Lucifer steals his grace and Cas dominantly steps into his role as a father.  

Providing Jack with a certain guidance, boundaries, and stability in episodes 14x01, 14x02, 14x03, 14x09 and 14x10 unlike what he’d received from Sam and Dean. Castiel takes on all the difficult tasks of parenting ranging from scolding to teaching his son about death, responsibility, self-restraint, patience and the tribulations of growing up. He doesn’t raise his voice ever when he speaks to Jack. And is completely there 100% for his son from the beginning…and the end of his life. Although Castiel is an angel he is very much a pivotal link to Jack’s humanity and vice versa as well as a link to his celestial side. While he greatly admires and looks up to the Winchesters, its through Cas’s influence that the infant Nephilim aspires to be a good person. 

Jack never wants to become the monster his biological father was; desperate to break out of that mold once in for all. And he isn’t alone. Castiel is right there with Jack every step of the way. Ready to challenge and encourage his son whenever he does something decent or makes a mistake. He doesn’t hesitate to tell his son when he’s proud of him. And sometimes he’s there to coddle Jack during times of crisis as displayed in the 14x09 showdown with AU!Michael where the angel takes a second to heal Jack’s minor facial wounds. I just love that tiny focal point of Cas in the background, as the Winchesters are talking, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder before using his powers on him. As if to keep him calm; like a parent reassuring their nervous kid that it won’t hurt.

Throughout the first part of season 14 we’re blessed with so much affectionate Dadstiel moments like the after-the-battle angst talk in 14x01 where Castiel reminds a very frustrated Jack “you’ve got me” as he declares he has nothing. Or 14x08 after Jack’s death and they’re bittersweetly reunited in Heaven with Kelly; all smiles, touching shoulders and hugging each other as if they can’t bear to be separated. Followed with that heartfelt moment of Castiel tenderly touching his son’s cheeks, sadly looking at him with so much adoration, as he sends his soul back to his body. Then there was their unforgettable father/son pep talk in regards to the vulnerability of Jack’s soul; Castiel just gives his son’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as he leaves the room. Again, this is how these two say “I love you”.

And I couldn’t very go in depth of this analysis without mentioning 14x20′s Jack death scene 2.0; Castiel helplessly touches his son, who’s screaming on the ground in agony, trying desperately to ease his suffering. Yah this was particularly very hard for me to watch witnessing Castiel going out of his mind, completely unable to save Jack from enduring such a painful end to his life. Once was already cruel enough on me. And of course 15x01 continued that vicious trend of Castiel harrowingly protecting his son’s corpse, carrying him over the shoulder in a fireman’s hold as he runs through the cemetery, then gently lays him down on the floor in a mausoleum. I get emotional watching Cas cradling Jack’s head as he positions him comfortably; letting his touch linger unable to let go. He doesn’t even care what happens to him in this moment as long as his son’s body is safe. Very strong symbolism of a parent who will never abandon their child long after they’re gone. 

On a side note I want to quickly call attention to how much I revere the Dadstiel healing parallels in 14x09 and 14x14 plus BONUS: Jack almost-killing Castiel in 15x13 so he can talk to Ruby in the Empty. These just add some nice little textures in their dynamic which compliments their ongoing tradition of showing devotion through physical communication. And both the healing scenes and the temporary death scene are composited very similarly. Focused on Castiel and Jack’s hands in the process of relieving the other’s pain/life. 

Touch is exhibited as being a very crucial element for both of these characters when it comes to their iron-clad relationship. That palpable part of Castiel and Jack’s connection keeps them closely-knit. Its their familial instinct and how they express their feelings for each other. If they aren’t kneading shoulders, the angel duo is often standing beside each other or firmly linked at the arms. And this usually happens during moments of extreme stress, joy, sorrow, pain or fear. Jack relies so much on Castiel’s parental presence. He respects his authority, disobeying only when his actions feel necessary, and will go to the angel whenever he wants to talk or vent. Jack is also comfortable with Castiel enough to confide his darkest secrets no matter how awful they are. That’s the foundation of the everlasting trust built between them. They’re just tethered to one another in such a way that nothing will divide them. 

I’ll begin with the hospital scene from 14x07 where Castiel is being the rock to his ailing son who can barely stand on his feet. There’s so much anxiety radiating off him in this moment as he struggles with watching Jack suffer; holding him so close. Staring at his face you can tell this horrible situation is ripping him apart. Actually, the entire episode is basically just Castiel silently enduring the pain of Jack dying.

The second set of screencaps underneath are of 14x10; Jack is agitated by AU!Michael’s antagonistic claims that his family’s love for him isn’t unconditional. Reading into one of his greatest fears. But then Castiel instantly calls out to his son, grabs the crook of his arm; gently reassuring him none of this is true. And Jack doesn’t resist this as he knows his dad is sincere. He never has to question Cas’s feelings towards him as his physical touch alone is self-explanatory. But when it comes to the Winchesters, that’s a whole other conversation.    

Next, we have one of my favorite emotionally-charged Dadstiel moments in 14x14; where in a fit of panic because the anti venom wasn’t working Jack, going against Castiel’s warnings not to risk burning off his soul, is compelled to use his powers to save his dad. And I love this because this time its Jack who’s the one initiating all the physical contact. Just as the recovered angel demands what he’s done, his son responds with a soft “you’re okay” and the “I love you dad” shoulder touch as well as firmly gripping his arm.  

Finally stepping away from season 14 I’m going to briefly go over the caps from season 15. Let’s begin with 15x11 the Dadstiel reunion scene at the church which is so beautifully poignant. Castiel is so overjoyed to see Jack alive that he takes a second to look over his equally stunned son, touching his shoulders before they embrace. This is by far one of Cas and Jack’s top father/son moments on the show and it’s done so effectively. If you want a more in-depth description for what I love about this scene, you can read my post about it here.

After that is the 15x13 Dadstiel moment where Castiel, suspicious of Jo’s story about the Occultum, had asked Jack to temporarily kill him in order to go see Ruby in the Empty. Two things I really like about this; 1. even though Jack still doesn’t have a soul, is very concerned about and protective over Castiel because of that deal. And 2. again Jack is initiating all the touching in this scene; look at the way he grasps his dad’s arm as he returns him to life. It’s almost as if he’s hoping the touch of his hand will not only speed up the process but also reach his dad so his essence isn’t lost forever.   

And then we have 15x17. We didn’t get much Dadstiel interaction in this episode but the amount of times Castiel protectively holds onto his agonized child, who’d been turned into a cosmic bomb about to go off any minute, having no regard for the danger he’s in is so visually gut-wrenching. There’s a specific moment in the scene where, as Sam and Dean are arguing, Castiel is sitting on the floor just clutching Jack tight. Trying to non-verbally soothe him.

And this is followed up in the first half of 15x18, aka THEIR VERY LAST EPISODE TOGETHER ever on Supernatural. Here is where everything about their connection comes full circle with Castiel refusing to abandon Jack no matter the situation. Demonstrating the extent of his devotion by willing to die for his child just as he’d sacrificed his happiness to save Jack from the Empty. Because that is his son and nothing not even death itself can ever destroy what they have. Much as the young Nephilim boy begs for his dad to stay away, yells that he doesn’t want to hurt him; Castiel kneeling to Jack’s eye-level doesn’t leave his side. Then when Jack disappears to the Empty and reappears back at the bunker reformed, Castiel’s hand remains firmly glued to his son’s shoulder. He doesn’t want Jack to feel afraid or traumatized any further.

This was such an intense part of the episode I mean just look at how stressed out these two were. The anguish in their expressions. Simply put, Cas and Jack cannot bare to live without the other. They’re each other’s home; two sides of the same soul. Castiel loves all of Jack; the good, the bad and the ugly. This is an EPIC father and son’s love that knows no bounds. So powerful and pure that it transcended the loss of Jack’s soul, Lucifer’s DNA, the Empty, Mary Winchester’s death and everything else in between. Oh, and guess what, their “I love you” Dadstiel shoulder touches aren’t limited to just their hands. Its in every single one of their hugs too.  

Notice how their chins or faces just comfortably rest on top of each other’s shoulders. And except for 14x20 their eyes are shut, as if to savor every single second of that closeness. Jack just buries himself against Castiel like he’s never felt safer with anyone else in the whole universe. And both of them hold each other; giving and receiving the other’s love with their whole self. Like I can’t even begin to describe how much Castiel and Jack’s softness towards each other just melts my heart. Their relationship, despite the horror tongue-in-cheek atmosphere of SPN, is surprisingly sweet, healthy and endearing. They are the epitome of true unconditional love and a great contrast to the Winchester brothers. In my humble opinion Castiel and Jack’s father/son dynamic is the best thing to happen to this show in a long while.

For the closing segment of this analysis I want to do something special before I discuss the paralleled-angst driven Dadstiel shoulder touches in 15x15 and 15x18. First off, I can’t shout enough praise from the rooftops about the insanely remarkable chemistry between Alexander Calvert and Misha Collins. Just brilliant casting. They embody these characters heart and soul and make this relationship feel so real, genuine and grounded. The fact that they look so similar in appearance really sells the idea that these two could actually be father and son. Forget the scripts, the quiet subtly these two bring to Castiel and Jack is the true magic of their relationship.

Let me start with the Dadstiel centric 15x15 aka THE BEST EPISODE of Supernatural season 15. This amazing masterpiece of art is everything I could’ve asked for and more; giving me so much precious father/son content that I will cherish forever. I really enjoyed seeing Castiel and Jack in those matching ties, bonding with each other over a case while they save the day. It’s a shame this show never let these two have more solo adventures together because they’re truly a joy to watch onscreen. Fingers crossed for that spinoff.

But I digress, the car scene in question happens at the very end of the episode in which Jack reveals the alarming truth that he has to die in order to stop Chuck and Amara. And Castiel, visibly and outspokenly distraught by this news, has to be assuaged with that infamous shoulder touch by his son; who’s in just as much pain. This is without a doubt one of most emotional scenes between these two characters out of the last three seasons of the show and quite possibly one of Misha and Alex’s strongest acting moments after the Dadstiel church reunion in 15x11. They killed it with the feels here. I like the attention to detail, the shadows and the colors in the shot, the melancholic score as well as how it seamlessly switches from Jack’s perspective to Castiel’s. Seriously watching this scene always makes me cry its so devastating.

 Lastly, we have the Dadstiel car scene in 15x18; and Castiel and Jack’s LAST ONE-ON-ONE together. I’m kind of disappointed by this if I’m being honest. Its not that its bad its just not that definitively great for a final scene between these characters. Especially after four seasons of development. Where are the stakes? Why don’t Jack and Castiel seem as concerned about their situation? Cute as that smile was it doesn’t fit the tone. And where’s that punch in the gut knowing something is going to separate these two any second? It’s too light and doesn’t come off like a goodbye or a cathartic bookend which is what I wanted to take away from the episode considering its title “Despair”.

I mean if they were going to follow up on that heartbreaking car scene at the end of “Gimme Shelter”, the 15x18 scene wasn’t the way to do it. So, the weight of this final interaction feels almost non-existent. Maybe if it had taken place at night and the dialogue solely focused on them not the Winchesters it would’ve faired better. But since this isn’t a rant post I’ll cut to the chase by saying that the only saving grace this moment has happens in the last part. Jack’s in tears telling his dad how scared he is that he can’t use his powers to protect anyone. Coming off very childlike and vulnerable; needing that parental protection that Castiel was always known for. And sure enough, he gives Jack that final “I love you” shoulder touch which I swear had me choked a little. 

Rethinking about it now that the show is over actually makes their final moment together really sad as incomplete as it is. I not only look back on how much these characters were drastically underutilized but how much the Dadstiel storyline could’ve been executed better with all the development that it was given. Well there you have it my full Dadstiel shoulder-touch analysis. Hope you’ve enjoyed!

[baymaksu]

I really wish there was a way to convince Disney to treat The Nerd Gang with more dignity and depth than what we got. I mean, Wasabi was treated as a major butt monkey and only had ONE focus episode (and I feel like the reason is because he is black...), Go Go and Honey Lemon didn't get much depth or development either. And Fred never had a chance to show how much he could have potentially resented his parents for neglecting him so much as a kid and how it could be affecting his relationships

For myself, I wish there was simply a way to convince Disney of continuing the show. Then there can be a chance for them to do just that with giving proper respect to the nerd gang and other characters with more depth and attention.

Wasabi certainly deserves more than one focal episode. And even with that one... I’m a bit mixed on the solution they gave him with Mini-Max as a distraction because... he’s a distraction. If I had a small robot dancing around while my professor was giving a brilliant lecture... I’m not paying attention as much as I should be and the knowledge transfer becomes rather moot. So Wasabi’s skills as a teacher aren’t fully appreciated, realistically.

While I understand the possibility of his treatment due to his color, for me it’s that the show put too much of a comedic focus on Wasabi’s neuroses and quirks. While I think it’s possible to make that a very funny thing, it can’t be that we’re always laughing at Wasabi but mostly with him.

The episode we did get of him trying to overcome stage fright and public speaking, there could’ve been some more real world skills he could’ve learned from Baymax (who could’ve been his test audience) and show how Wasabi himself could overcome very relatable fears.

For instance, I constantly teach various skills and lectures in my professions to varying audience sizes from 1-3 people to 40-50 at a time. My social anxieties as an introvert and fear of public speaking worsens when I’m dealing more intimately with a smaller crowd. With larger crowds, I don’t even realize I’m talking to so many people. It’s like I’m just speaking as I’ve rehearsed to a mirror or an empty room. And when it’s hard to make eye contact, I look to people’s foreheads rather than their eyes. These are all things I’d rather have an episode of Wasabi learning practical skills that gives him the development to at least be better equipped to face his anxieties.

So, my gripe for someone like Wasabi is that he could have been written to have really golden moments of triumph. Perhaps I’m just honestly a bit tired of a dancing robot lol. But moments like that I’d write differently. It’s not simply about more moments to give to these characters, but if they are going to be scarce due to some many characters being in the BH6TS ensemble, give them quality moments at the very least.

And for Gogo and HL, there are definitely more that can be done for them to provide depth and development. I’m just a bit blank on my thoughts on them at the moment, sorry lol.

But that’s an interesting point about Fred and his parents. I never thought of him possibly having resentment but it’s an interesting angle to consider. Fred was overly used for comedic effect that downplayed his intelligence and that’s what I find to be a shame though.

Among the things missed in the series that deserved highlighting in Fred’s character is that he really is actually intelligent and not just in the unconventional comic knowledge way that he’s known for. In some materials from the movie, we see that Fred is part of a special program that allows him to be SFIT’s mascot while attending another college as an English major. With his understanding of comics, it plays well to his analytical abilities when it comes to literature and media. Just because he’s not a STEM major doesn’t mean he has to do non-intelligent things...

And it was natural for him to be a hero, not just due to his love for pop culture and comics. He’s a volunteer and advocate/philanthropist for a lot of different organizations (like “Brothers from Another Mother” lol). He does have an altruistic personality even before being a formal superhero. He’s also remarkably humble in status and personality despite his more affluent background... these are all massively respectable traits that should be more recognized and highlighted in BH6 writing.

Again... I think BH6 has that curse of being pressured to “cater to children” in a way and yet it’s lighthearted and balanced ways of treated hard or harrowing concepts shows how it doesn’t need to become a childishly comedic cartoon. So... I guess I just fall back to blaming Disney executives for that error in misdirection.

[deathlyhogwarts]

Sleep talking Part 1 (Sirius Black x Reader)

Requested by @just-a-dreamer23: Thank you for the sweetest reply! 🥰 Can you write something in which the reader (Hufflepuff) is bff wt Lilly & they are having a sleepover or something. The marauders sneak in it but the girls are asleep. Y/n is in love wt Sirius & while she's asleep she spoke about him. Then he wakes her up & stuff between them happens. When she wakes up she tells Lils "I had the most vivid dream" but it wasn't a dream it was real. Thank you so much♥️ I'm having a good day so far 🥰

a/n: this idea is so cute im 😭 i'm really sorry it took so long, you probably don't even remember requesting this, i'm really bad at sticking with things (can you tell i'm a gemini) but it's finally finished! i meant for it to be written in one part, but i decided to break it in 2 because this one already had 3.4k+ words and i didn't want to make it too long. if you want to be tagged in part 2 or any other fic that i'll write in the future just comment here! hope you like this one <3

Sleepovers at Hogwarts were rare, to say the least—everybody was always busy with something; either an activity, studying, practicing, and sometimes lectures were enough to make you feel tired all throughout the weekend. People didn't really like pulling all nighters to talk about stuff that is going to be irrelevant the next morning. Getting drunk was also at the bottom of the list.

You found that to be very sad. Being a Hufflepuff, friendship was a focal point in your life, and you thought sleepovers were the perfect way to connect with people on a deeper level. Nights always bring out people's depths. You always tried to make your friends have one, but they were always busy studying or doing something else.

Lily was an exception; while she loved her studying very much, she knew how to have fun (in a responsible way), so you were very excited when she came up with the idea of a sleepover, after you've long abandoned even the thought of it. She planned everything, though there was only one problem: you weren't really allowed inside the Gryffindor Common Room at night, so you had to sneak in. That was the only irresponsible thing you were going to do.

This sleepover was the only thing running through your mind all day, you could barely concentrate in classes, though there was just one thought that shared space with the sleepover in your mind—Sirius. Sirius Black was a Gryffindor, so of course you hoped you would see him tonight. You were aware, however much you wanted to deny, that that was playing a part in why you were so excited.

Things were a bit weird between you and Sirius—well, maybe for you, not for him. You were sure he barely thought about you. You would hang out from time to time because Lily was starting to tolerate James, and you being really good friends with Lily, of course she invited you to hang out with them and his friends. In fact, that's how you came to like Sirius. Before that you just thought he was an arrogant prick, but after seeing how funny and thoughtful he was with his friends, you realized he put up a façade for the world. Who you thought he was wasn't real at all, but a mere reflection of who everybody wanted him to be. Which intrigued and saddened you at the same time.

You never really had the chance to hang out just the two of you, except for one time, a couple of months ago. You were all having a picnic outside, and somehow, one by one, everybody left because they had something to do; you and Sirius were the only ones who weren't busy. So you talked that day. You talked about your dreams—who and what you wanted to be and do in life, fears and hopes for the future. It was a very good and deep talk, and Sirius actually listened. That was when you knew he was an amazing person. Sadly, after that day, you barely saw him again. That was the only time you spent time alone and really talked, and although you desperately wanted to get to know him better, he didn't seem to care about you that much. In the hallways he would nod and smile whenever he saw you, just like he did with everyone else. Sure, he would converse with you (probably out of respect) and joke with you whenever you were all hanging out, but after the few words exchanged between the two of you, he didn't look at you again. It was okay, though. He probably didn't want another friend and he was fine with you being just acquaintances. You didn't take it personally, nor did you try to force it; that was just the way things were. However, that didn't stop you from falling for him.

You hoped that you spending the night in the Gryffindor Common Room would mean he would see you, maybe talk to you. You hated yourself for wanting that, but the feeling was there. There was no way to remove it, at least not in the near future.

Putting Sirius aside and burying him somewhere deep in your mind, you decided you were going to have fun. This was about you and Lily, not anyone else. Smiling to yourself, you knocked on the Gryffindor Common Room door, waiting for Lily to open it for you. She also gave you a Gryffindor scarf so it wouldn't look suspicious. The Fat Lady looked at you with a judgemental stare.

"Do you have the password, young lady?"

You shifted your weight from one foot to the other. Where was Lily? "Um, yeah, I forgot it and I'm waiting for my friend to let me in." You smiled nervously, looking anywhere but at the Fat Lady. She just scoffed and rolled her eyes, and started singing. "My god, I'm glad we don't have you in our quarters," you said under your breath.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Oh? Nothing, I was just—"

The door opened and Lily was standing on the threshold and leaning on the wall, smiling. "Well, do come in, will you? We don't want the Fat Lady knowing what house you're from."

"You just sat there listening, didn't you?" You laughed and shook your head, making your way inside and letting Lily lead the way, not even listening to her answer as it was blacked out by the burst of warmth coming from the Gryffindor Common Room; it wasn't just physical warmth, there was this feeling of comfort and friendliness in here that took you by surprise. You didn't know what you expected either; all the Gryffindor people that you knew were these brave, confident, driven people. Maybe you expected people to be wrestling or competing in board games, but everybody was laughing and talking, genuinely enjoying each other's company. The smell of tea lingered in the room and the sound of fire crackling was dancing in your ears. In essence, it wasn't so different from the Hufflepuff Common Room, but the energy was still very different.

"Y/N? Did you hear me?"

You blinked, coming back to reality. Lily became clear in your eyes again. "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I said we can stay here if you want, there aren't many people and it's way more comfortable than in my dorm, where it's all dark and gloomy. What do you think?"

The thought of the Marauders surfaced. You looked around but sadly, they weren't here. You nodded. "Yeah, I'd like that."

You made your way towards the biggest couch in the room, which happened to be in front of the fire. As you walked, you noticed people didn't look at you twice, meaning they probably didn't mind you being there. Even if you had a Gryffindor scarf, they most likely knew you weren't a Gryffindor.

As the time passed, you couldn't help but notice that the room was way emptier than it was when you got here; two or three hours must have passed. Lily talked about her home, which wasn't an unfamiliar topic for you, but she always found new interesting things to tell you about her family, home town and the Muggle World, which you found fascinating. She talked about James and how she came to the realization that he's not as conceited as she thought he was, but rather somewhat tolerable company, and even funny sometimes. You smiled. It was obvious they had feelings for each other and even more obvious that James was an incredible person. In contrast, you told her about growing up in the world of magic and you made comparisons about your childhoods. The night was going well.

Right now you were holding a warm mug of tea in your hands and watching the fire, while Lily was sleeping on the other end of the couch. She fell asleep some half an hour ago, leaving you the only person awake in the Common Room. You didn't realize but your own eyes started to close and before you knew it, you fell asleep facing the fire, not knowing that not even five minutes after, the Marauders walked into the Common Room.

• • •

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter tried to enter the Common Room as silently as possible, afraid of being caught after pulling yet another prank on Mr. Filch. However, they failed miserably as the moment they stepped inside, Peter tripped and fell on the floor, and Sirius and James started laughing out loud.

"Would you stop being so loud? You're gonna wake up the entire house," Remus said as he helped Peter up.

"It's not like they're not used to it, Moony," Sirius said giving him a cheeky smile. "Besides, it's only 2 in the morning, that's early! I'm surprised there's no party going on." He started walking around pretending to look confused and examined the place, as if looking for hidden clues.

"Well, looks like there was." Sirius heard James say. He turned around and saw him kneeling beside the couch, placing a blanket on someone. As he got closer, he saw James was caressing Lily's hair, who was sound asleep. "She's really cute when she sleeps." Obviously that was meant to be heard by no one, but Sirius heard it. His heart skipped a beat when he saw you on the other end of the couch, sleeping with a half full cup of tea in your hands. James' words echoed in his head and he couldn't help but think that those words applied to you, and only you. As if by instinct, he took the cup out of your hands and placed it on the table next to him. You even spilled some of it on your hands and your shirt, and a little bit on the couch. He found himself smiling at the thought of you being so sleepy that you forgot you had tea in your hands. You were always so careful with details, you must have been really tired to forget.

"Sirius, you coming?" He snapped out of his thoughts and looked up, seeing the boys, even James on the staircase that led to their dorms. They were all looking at him questioningly. Sirius never told them what was going through his mind all day, he never asked James when they were going to hang out with you and Lily again, even though he desperately wanted to. He never told them, because he was afraid of it himself, but he knew the boys saw that something was going on and they probably figured it out by now.

"Yeah, I'll be in a minute. I just have to clean this up."

He heard their feet walking up the stairs and then the door to their room opening and closing. He sighed and kneeled in front of you and with a napkin, he took your hand in his and started wiping. Your hand was so delicate and smooth compared to his; your hands were the hands of an artist, while his were bruised and rough to the touch. That was, he thought, exactly how different your personalities were as well. He tried not to dwell on that too much, as he was always saddened by the thought.

When James and Lily started hanging out and she brought you along, Sirius caught an interest in you. You seemed very fun to be around, and you proved that suspicion of his to be true. However, that day that you spent together, talking about your dreams and hopes for the future, he realized he had to keep distance. If he liked you before, he had to suppress those feelings immediately. He realized that day that you had such big dreams and such high hopes, your eyes were practically shining when you talked and he couldn't help the big smile that appeared on his face. When you asked him about his dreams, that's when he got a bit uncomfortable. Considering what his upbringing was and his roots, he didn't have many hopes for the future. He didn't want to worry you, or worse, he didn't want to be pitied by talking about his family and life. How could he have told you that his only dream was to be enough for someone? To be accepted for who he is and not be tormented just for being the person that he is? So he made up a story about how he wanted to help people, like some kind of healer, which wasn't exactly a lie, but wasn't the focal point of his existence either. After that day he tried to keep distance. He didn't want to burden you with his own self and distract you from being the person you wanted to be.

"Sirius." His thoughts were interrupted by your voice. His head snapped up and he looked at you with wide yes, but yours were closed. Were you awake?

"Y/N?" he said, putting the napkin aside.

"I don't understand," you muttered. He realized you were talking in your sleep. He was wondering what you were dreaming about; were you dreaming of the same things that you told him about? Why were you saying his name? Sirius knew he shouldn't listen to what you were saying in your sleep, that was personal, but he heard his name. He had to listen.

"Sirius," you said again, frowning this time.

To Sirius it didn't seem like a very good dream and he didn't like seeing you frown while saying his name. He would much rather hear his name come from your lips with happiness.

He shook your shoulder gently; he read somewhere in Moony's books that you should be very careful when waking someone from a nightmare. Or was it from sleepwalking? "Y/N," he whispered, getting up from his position and sitting on the couch beside you. "Y/N," he said again, a bit louder this this time. He hoped with his entire heart that Lily wouldn't wake up.

• • •

Someone was shaking your shoulder. Blinking a few times and adjusting to the light, you slowly opened your eyes. Sirius was standing right next to you, his hand on your shoulder, having stopped moving, felt like a candle slowly pouring hot wax on you. As if hearing your thought, he removed his hand slowly and looked at you questioningly.

"What's going on?" you asked. You felt so dizzy and everything was a bit blurry, it almost felt like a dream. Maybe it was a dream, one of those in which you're aware you're dreaming. You looked around; Lily was exactly where she was before you fell asleep, only now she had a blanket over her and her hair was gracefully pulled to the side. There was no one else in the Common Room. Your eyes moved back on Sirius, who had this strange look on his face, it almost didn't look like him. He looked vulnerable, his eyes big and his pupils dilated, and he was fidgeting with his fingers.

"Well, I should ask you that, it's not everyday you see a Hufflepuff in here," he said as he chuckled.

"We were having a sleepover..." your voice trailed off. This was a dream, wasn't it? Everhthing felt different, and Sirius was here, acting like he's never acted before. This must be a dream. You straightened your back and yawned. You realized there was a blanket over you that wasn't there before, and part of your shirt was soaked with tea.

Sirius, noticing you were looking at yourself confused, he said, "When I got here the tea was still in your hands and you spilled some of it, I tried to clean it up." He pointed at the napkin on the table.

You looked at the table and back at him. If this was a dream, you could do whatever you wanted, right? Your hand reached his face and you brushed the hair out of his face. "Thank you."

He widened his eyes. He couldn't deny that he liked how your touch felt on him. And you were saying his name in your sleep; that had to mean something, right?

"Y/N," he said softly.

"Mm?" you said as you got closer. Your face was now only centimetres apart from his. He was looking at your lips, his breath getting heavier. Your eyes were half closed; you were most likely still half asleep, but this was the realest thing you were going to do in a very long time. You've always wondered how Sirius' lips tasted and if they had an original taste of their own; would they taste like every girl's lips he has ever kissed? Would they taste like mint? If this was real life, you would probably get self-conscious about the fact that he's been with so many girls, but right now, he was just the product of your imagination. He was probably going to taste however you wanted him to.

"You were saying my name," he whispered. He was leaning in as well and you were about to kiss (a/n: 👉👈) only you knew he was waiting for an answer from your part.

"What?" you asked, barely concentrating on what he was saying.

His hand reached to caress your cheek. He knew this was wrong, you were barely awake, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't want to do this from the moment you told him about your dreams, from the moment you opened up to him. "In your sleep, you were saying my name. Why?" He needed to know the answer. He needed to know that you felt the same and he wasn't going to make a fool of himself.

You smiled. "Of course I said your name, Sirius. You're always on my mind." It felt so good to finally be able to express how you felt without actually having consequences to what you were saying. Even though tomorrow you'll wake up with the same situation as yesterday, at least in your dreams things were going alright.

He opened his mouth to answer, but you didn't want to wait anymore and you pressed your mouth onto his. You felt him tense as soon as your lips met and you wanted to back down had it not been for his hands reaching to cup your face; he kissed you back very softly, which was a bit of a surprise to you. Even in your dream, Sirius seemed like the type of guy who kisses with hunger and dominance, but this kiss was everything but that. He was caressing your face with his thumbs as you broke apart. You kept your eyes closed. You didn't see, but he was looking at you with such hopeful eyes. Maybe he did stand a chance? In this moment, right here, he felt he could be enough for you, so maybe he should go for it. But not now, when you were half asleep and barely knew your own name.

He gulped. "Y/N, I really think you should go back to sleep. We can talk tomorrow." Your eyes were still closed and your head was leaning on his palm. He has never seen someone look so angelic before.

"Mhm," you murmured, already falling back into unconsciousness. "Can't wait to go back to reality."

He looked at you confused, but shrugged it off. You were most likely talking out of your ass (a/n: not very british of me ik sjsj). He put the blanket over your shoulders, kissed your forehead and, with a final glance at the two girls asleep on the couch, he went upstairs. Unfortunately, Sirius barely slept that night; his mind kept wondering back to the thought of you and the kiss you shared. He was also very physically aware that you were just a few metres away from him downstairs, and he felt this magnetic pull towards you. You were so close.

[rockmiyabideusexmachina]

2021 Megaman Valentine’s Day Contest Results

Among the many things this past year or so has tested us with is delays, and I apologize that this year’s Valentine’s Day contest results are included in that. I certainly did not plan on this taking until March to get completed, and I am sincerely sorry to have kept you all waiting. But hopefully it is all worth the wait!!

Thanks once again to every single one of you who participated! I will be contacting the winners soon enough. Work will probably keep me from replying to everyone immediately, but I will send a message about prizes hopefully within 24 hours.

Also, my thanks to @subzeroiceskater​ for helping out with judging this year. Not to mention the promo pic above and other assorted bonuses that always bring me a big smile. I might say this seemingly every year, but you all made judging this VERY hard. It might have something to do with the themes as well, but I think both of us flipped and rearranged our rankings repeatedly, and even then, it was hard to decide on who would place. XD Each one of you did an amazing job!

After the break, you’ll see the winners for both categories, along with all of the entries. Raffle prize winners will be noted below by their alias, as well.

Category 1: Kiss From a Rosered (Talent)

For our talent category this year, the theme focused on your favorite Megaman characters giving roses to their special someone, along with incorporating the symbolism of specific rose colors within the piece. That rose color was also to be the predominant color within the piece, to the best of your ability.

A grand total of 9 entries were submitted for this category. You can see the full gallery of all entries at full-size [HERE]. Each entrant’s name will also link to their individual pieces at full-size.

1.) Sapphire: *$100 prize*

Subzeroiceskater said:

Oooooh, this is so cute and pink! Piiink~ Ehem. I love the depth, angle, and color grading of these—notice how Roll’s black linework is at the forefront of the pic but colors mixes with the lights and colors from the sun further along the pic. There’s a lot to admire about how everything easy to read with so many competing elements like the similar hues and bright lighting.

Pink roses usually mean a gentler sort of love but did you know that different shades of pink could signify different things as well? A darker shade may mean gratitude; medium shade could be about a first love or congratulations while a light shade may mean admiration. Tron holding a singular pink rose with varying shades of pink while literally tripping over herself and a Servbot could only mean—that this is hilarious.

Miyabi said:

From a technical standpoint, I think your piece clearly felt the most polished, crisp and virtually professional of the bunch. But more than that, I felt it also best gave off the vibe of the rose color dominating the piece, but in very subtle, beautiful ways. Where as the pink sunset causes many of the normally white areas, like Roll’s collar/sleeves, parts of Gustaff, and more, to ooze that pink lighting. Even with her klutziness, you still also portrayed the feeling of sweetness, admiration and appreciation that a pink rose conveys. Just so pretty, calming, and joyful to look at!

2.) Forceway: *$75 prize*

Subzeroiceskater said:

There is a sort of gentle irony with how Skull Man and Shade Man are both robots modeled after horror symbols—skulls and vampires—but are here surrounded by a soft sea of pink roses. The dark night is often depicted as a primal fear because it hides our deepest fears but here—illuminated by the bright shining moon—the night is transformed into a scene of love—perhaps devotion, with how Shade is gently cradling Skull, as well with the church bell in the background. This is a very tender piece mixing the shadows and the sweet.

Miyabi said:

I know most digital art programs have the brushes and shortcuts to make detailing things like roses a lot easier, but your bed of roses certainly look all done by hand on your own, and that alone impressed me a ton! Based off of the Ariga Megamix tale of Skull Man not feeling appreciated or having a family after Cossack stored him away, I felt the pink roses and Shade showing him that he is actually appreciated here was a fantastic conceptual choice. Purples in the sky and Shade’s body split the canvas and contrast with the pink well, including how you used the pink for some of the stars in the sky. Beautiful job!

3.) DigitallyFanged: *$50 prize*

Subzeroiceskater said:

Yellow is a bright color, often evoking the sun, warmth, light, joy and hope. With roses, its positive connotations continue with possible meanings of friendship, care and remembrance. Tabby’s piece seems to evoke the last one the strongest—with Zero, broken and forgotten in a lab—but, not entirely, because of a bond that is stronger than apparent death lives on—even if in this moment, it’s only a memory. Even the roses are not real—just projections of what was once alive. This is fantastic use contrast with the dark, moody blues against the vivid, almost defiant yellows; and the repeated little motifs such as X crying and the water drops falling all over Zero. It stands out from the rest of happy entries with how sad it is but it still manages to be hopeful.

Miyabi said:

Zero’s blonde locks certainly are an iconic part of his design, so playing off of that and focusing on yellow as your rose color fit perfectly. You definitely made this a very emotive piece considering technically, neither of these two are even alive and moving here! As mentioned above, the little details like the water droplets balancing against Cyber Elf X’s tears, the digital lines to make it appear like X has created the cyber-roses for Zero, and Zero’s battle damage caught my eye immediately. You certainly captured the yellow rose symbolism of remembrance and friendly affection beautifully!!

And the rest of the wonderful entries, in alphabetical order by alias:

AbilityField: [Page 1] [Page 2] [Page 3] [Page 4]

*Raffle Prize Winner* Captain N Mega Man Cel

Subzeroiceskater said:

It’s so poetic about how this contest theme is about how the language of flowers is used to communicate feelings beyond just using words; and so, the comic is completely silent, relying on actions to convey its meaning. Yellow roses could mean friendship, care and affection; and it’s shown wonderfully with how Iris and Lan are so thoughtful with one another. It’s so cute how Iris missed Lan only because he was already out buying roses for her. Given how hard comics are to make and how this is fully colored, I really wanted to give this first place—however I felt the color usage of yellow could have been stronger, especially with the last page, where it would have had the most impact. I had to squint and zoom out to even see if the lighting had changed. Still, it’s such a very warm and lovely work.

Miyabi said:

I always appreciate the effort people put into making multiple-page comics for these contests, and this is no exception! Even without dialogue, you did a great job at conveying your story through your art in each panel and it was easily understandable. Another utilizing the yellow rose, I certainly felt the friendship and warmth in your tale. As Subzero mentioned, the only thing keeping it from placing was that the yellow colors weren’t as dominant in other areas of the pic, besides the panel by Sal. Still, your coloring was very crisp and vibrant throughout each page, and it was an awesome submission!

aw-colorcat:

Subzeroiceskater said:

With the red for Metal Man, orange for Cut Man and the explosion of yellow flowers, that’s the trifecta of warm colors. Yellow roses could mean delight and this pic is delightful in all ways. Cut looks so cute practically swimming in the sea of flowers and greenery, as does Metal’s adorable expression—which is a feat since he only shows his eyes. I also really like the juxtaposition and balance of this piece from: the rust-brown car against green-yellow nature running wild, and Metal holding a bouquet meanwhile Cut’s covered with plants. It makes me want to get some fresh air myself!

Miyabi said:

Cut Man looks grateful for being able to ride in that pickup bed of flowers, and I have a feeling the two of them had a wonderful time just snipping and sawing away at all the stems to gather them all. XD Love how the yellow and oranges play off of both character’s color schemes nicely. The subtlety of the yellow flowers in the foreground, along with the sun and tree in the background all play off each other well, too! Just an absolutely cute pic!

Dark-Dullahan: 

Subzeroiceskater said: 

What a fantastic composition. Dark-Dullahan does away with most color, leaving the colors of the mixed-bouquet roses as the main focal point. Classic red for romance, a gentler pink for affection, mixed yellow roses to signify caring and probably so much more—seems like Nana can’t contain her feelings for Massimo. I love how the close up of the bouquet doesn’t just form a kind of heart at the top but serves as the divider between the two, like a diptych. With such a wonderful offering, Massimo would surely accept her feelings.

Miyabi said: 

As you brought to my attention, your mixed bouquet had a few different meanings, such as the dark pink representing thanks to Massimo for saving Nana from Silver Horn, and the red tips on the yellow roses to symbolize falling in love. Certainly got those vibes from her shy demeanor, as she sheepishly tries to hand them to him. Also agree with Subzero that the line from the bouquet nicely works as a way to separate them uniquely with the background. Sorry you weren’t able to complete it as fully as you had hoped, but the concept behind it certainly was strong!

Donnie:

Donnie also sent in an alternate version made during the creative process, in a different artistic style, that I still feel needs to be shared, as well. Fun to see the contrast, yet still have the same feeling and mood to the piece. 

Subzeroiceskater said:

Oh, I adore this one. It reminds me of a movie poster with the tagline. I love the extra PINK flourishes of the letterings like with the Mega Man logo color change and cute pixelated font and heart. Both Rock and Roll’s expressions are so cute, too—with his more subdued smile contrasted with her exuberant grin. Much like how the pink rose could mean many things like thoughtfulness, cheer or as a show of appreciation, this piece is positively sparkling with affection, hearts and all. It’s clever how the sunset is giving the picture an overall pinkish-red hue while having the yellow light as an outline. A darling piece.

Miyabi said:

With pink roses again, I truly liked the additional hue adjustments where you can feel the warmth and see the lighter pink mixed into their skintone, or areas normally of white - from eyes to teeth to the Megaman logo - that have taken on the pink in it’s place. With the painterly watercolor style you used, it all blends in nicely. Even in your earlier version, I feel you brought a strong game with the hues, but toned down the red from that version to make it feel much stronger towards pink, with a tighter crop of your canvas. It was fun to see how it evolved, and strengthened your piece in doing so! Fabulous job!

DragonMarquise:

Subzeroiceskater said:

No better way to show how madly in love you are than a bouquet of roses that run the gamut of—I can’t call these warm colors because these passions are running hot. Orange seems to be the dominant color here—which in roses could symbolize a love that’s passionate, fierce and deep. It’s also expressed nicely with the two lovers embracing, engaged in mid kiss, their bodies also forming a subtle heart shape, to emphasize the flurry of hearts around them. The bouquet is not just orange roses, however, but a mixed bouquet of the classic romantic red and the more affectionate pink—it’s a piece that’s bursting with all degrees of love.

Miyabi said:

You also certainly mastered the limited color pallette challenge as you tackled this piece! Orange, the color of passion, is certainly felt in their deep kiss and embrace. I too caught the heart shape their heads essentially form, which is then further enforced with the heart of hearts behind them. I thought that concept was pulled off very well. Perfect for the fiery intensity of Match, this turned out to be a very hot pic!

Mattasaurs:

Subzeroiceskater said:

This one has a very clever framing (eh? EH?). The color white is often associated with purity, innocence and hope, and with white roses—weddings and marriage. Sonia dons the classic white wedding dress which has a très élégante design—and the little Lyra on her belt is very cute. The pink background is also very romantic and a nice way to tie in with her theme colors. I dig the lovey-dovey feel of Geo doing the classic bridal carry while clasping a single white rose...but seeing the thorns, I think he better watch his hand!

Miyabi said:

For a theme emphasizing color within the pic, I salute you for taking the biggest challenge in choosing white. In many ways, it could have been the hardest to keep as a predominant color, but still make the pic interesting and visually appealing. Choosing to have the petals all around the frame, with the bouquet nearby was a clever touch. With white often used for weddings and new beginnings, I think the concept of your piece worked just right, where it was subtle, but still incorporated enough other color to give the piece some life. 

Category 2: Kawaii-rimi (Humor)

For our humor category this year, the theme focused on your favorite Megaman character gifting the plush form of another Megaman character to their crush, instantly created by a ninja-like character, to play off of the Kawarimi concept from the EXE series. 

With just 3 entries in our humor category this time around, every entrant placed. You can see the full gallery of all entries at full-size [HERE].  Each entrant’s name will also link to their individual pieces at full-size.

1.) Mattasaurs: *$100 prize*

Subzeroiceskater said: 

Y’know how blocks of wood are sometimes used by ninjas when they do that whole body switching thing? I think it’s clever how this pic has Sal—Woodman.exe’s operator—conjuring the doll. Everything about the pic is so fun and colorful: from Sal’s mischievous grin of accomplishment, Miyu being completely shocked by her chibi doppelganger (check out that body language!) and Masa’s confused expression.

Miyabi said:

Yes, while to some, Sal might not be the first one they think of when they think ninja in the Megaman Universe, but I certainly thought she still fits the bill in her design. Usually we don’t see this much emotion or shock out of Miyu, so seeing her torque her body, taken aback at a doll of herself, is amusing in it’s own right. Meanwhile, nothing fazes Masa. And a bit of randomness: oh man, seeing Masa’s head in profile, with his bandana...wow, I never realized how much his head shape with the bandana looks like a fish’s. I can’t unsee it now. Anyways, I also agree that the color, polish, and fun vibe made this a worthy winner!

2.) ColeManX: *$75 prize*

*Raffle Prize Winner* Captain N Cutsman Cel

Subzeroiceskater said:

E-Eyes? What did you mean by that, Mr. RT-55J?  Although judging from the sparkle on those booblights… I understand, Cinnamon—if that happened to me, I’d be making asides to the camera, like I was in “The Office”, too. Cinnamon’s enthusiastic smile with this whole bizarre scene really sells it for me but shoutout to Marino’s smug satisfaction in the background.

Miyabi said:

🎵 I kind of liked it your way How you shyly placed your eyes on me Did you ever know That I had mine on you?🎵

RT says it only has eyes for Cinny right now, but it’s also known to be a little grabby hands, so I don’t know if I’d fully trust it...but good thing this is just a plush version. Time for the tables to be turned, and Cinnamon to get her claws and paws on it, instead. Very cute, although after the DiVE V-Day event, we all know this is a ruse and your pal boobeyes only belongs to the Ferham Fanclub. XD

3.) Ronin-Apprentice: *$50 prize*

Subzeroiceskater said: 

This whole comic is so sweet and fluffy, nya!  ~(=^‥^)ノ☆ It’s adorable how Proto brings up his gift first and the surprise is how Shadow handmade his gift. The little cat-eared Blues design is so darling--almost as cute as him fussing how totally NOT a cat he is. “Did you steal my cat.” had me snorting. Now I’m wondering where Tango went off to…

Miyabi said:

FU-SION-HA! 

Aside from getting his own Super Adaptor, this is probably the closest we’ve got to seeing Tango and Blues merged as one. LOL I’m sure that plush would have a ton of fans wishing it actually existed. The panels where Blues embarrassingly hides behind his scarf and gets pet like a cat had me laughing! Very cute and adorable comic, that certainly had the most depth in terms of the theme of this category!

[frumfrumfroo]

Yeah, it happened. Turns out I really couldn’t live without the Luke and Ben reunion scene that episode ix would have had if it’d been made (not that I’d do it exactly like this if I were actually writing ep ix, but I decided to make my subtweet fics a series, so this fits in chronologically after the first two)

And Death Shall Have No Dominion

Ben blinked hard, trying to clear his vision and maybe his head, but the shimmering apparition of his uncle remained casually seated in Rey's customary chair at his bedside.

...

His sickbed was a little too short. The feeling of not quite fitting was a familiar one and he wasn’t going to complain, but he certainly hoped no one had noticed the slightly ridiculous way his feet dangled over the end, trailing blankets like drapery. When he scrunched up towards the small pillow and bent his neck to one side, it wasn’t as obvious. Some time over the last few days he’d fallen asleep at this unnatural angle and now had a hideous tension knot in his trapezius muscle. That was familiar too.

Lying there, staring at the ceiling and trying to contend with the sensation that the room was slowly spinning around the focal point of his too-small cot, he wondered if he’d ever find stability. In either sense of the word. Reportedly, the vertigo was a side effect of the sudden stillness of being planetside and bedridden where he’d been primarily in space and deep in the depths of sleep deprivation for the past six years. He tried to take an academic interest in this point of his health in attempt to convince his stomach that it didn’t need to aggressively roll over every time he sat up.

It wasn’t working so far.

The silence was incredibly thick. His head almost seemed to echo with silence.

And he realised now that silence was perhaps the most alien part of this entire bewildering experience. When Rey wasn’t with him and her mind was focussed elsewhere, closed off from the link between them, he was really truly alone for the first time he could remember. It was strange. He’d thought he knew what alone was, he’d thought he was alone his entire life, had felt his isolation more keenly than almost anything else there was to feel, but he’d never been by himself. Left to himself.

His thoughts had never been private before.

Of course Rey was often aware of his moods since they’d embraced the empathic bond they shared, but she didn’t pry. She didn’t eavesdrop. When she was there, her presence deliberately announced itself with a sort of buzzing cordiality which called attention to the fact that she could hear his surface thoughts. A sort of greeting. Sharing his mind with her was completely unlike the apparent solitude of most of his life that wasn’t ever real, the uneasy prickle of lurking whispers, the oozing blackness which seemed to stick in the tiny crevices of his foundational memories. Like tar. Snoke’s oily, unwholesome residue was ubiquitous even when he’d been at his most beguiling and benign.

Somehow no one had noticed. The most powerful Force users in the known universe hadn’t noticed.

No one looked. No one cared.

Ben sighed and adjusted his shoulders, trying to get more comfortable. No position was fully restful because his ribcage was still a mass of burning ache, his muscles still seized and shuddered without warning as rogue electrical signals fired through them. He was trying to ignore the freakish tingle of bacta repairing the torn fibres and nerves, but he’d never got used to the sensation despite many hours spent in similar convalescence. He hated that he’d promised he wouldn’t get up until he was cleared by a medic. He was an invalid alone in his own mind and it made this bland little room feel like a prison.

Not the prison you deserve.

If the pain didn’t distract him so much, he would have had the opportunity to exhaust every self-flagellation ever conceived by man since the dawn of time. After much experimentation, challenging the thoughts had been determined to be ineffective, letting the regret wash over him had proven to be unhelpful, and doing nothing was paralysing. So he’d started responding to them by defiantly planning a future, turning his full attention towards even the most mundane details of his daydreams when the creeping doubts tried to wriggle back in, clinging to the jubilation he’d felt when he realised the path ahead really hadn’t been written.

Hope had always been a double-edged sword in his experience, but it bloomed cruelly on through his darkest days in passing fancies and secret longings he sometimes naïvely imagined he’d kept hidden from his master until the time came for Snoke to disabuse him of that notion. It was faith which had actually abandoned him, which he couldn’t even counterfeit. There was never faith in darkness for him. He was trying to have it now, to believe on an ongoing basis what he’d believed in that glorious instant when he first decided his fate was in his own hands.

His mother’s forgiveness sat like a heavy weight on his heart. It should have lifted him up, brushed off the last remnants of his burdens, but it demanded a reply in kind. And the voice from his conscience- his own voice, finally and solely his own- was asking nearly every moment: was he lying to himself when he said he could do it? Was someone like him capable of such a thing? Did he really forgive…

A subtle blue glow seemed to be drifting up the wall, a different shade than the monitors tracking his condition usually emitted, and he followed it down to its source with only vague curiosity. He expected an alert or malfunction to be lit up on the equipment. He did not expect this.

Ben blinked hard, trying to clear his vision and maybe his head, but the shimmering apparition of his uncle remained casually seated in Rey’s customary chair at his bedside.

He formed a vague intention to call out to him, mostly to convince himself he was really there, but his jaw worked indecisively over various first syllables of the collection of names or titles he could use and none properly conveyed who precisely this spectre was. Uncle, Master, betrayer, Jedi, Skywalker… Ben couldn’t bring himself to say any of it, almost ashamed that he’d ever used most of them, and he turned his face into the pillow as if the whole absurdity that was this meeting could be avoided so long as he didn’t acknowledge it.

But Ben could feel his presence in the Force now, the radiance of power and focus which emanated from what should definitely be an empty corner of the room in any sane world. Denial was futile.

Luke knew that he knew. Ben didn’t have to speak, didn’t have to decide how to address him, it wouldn’t matter if he refused to look.

“Hey, kid,” the ghost sighed, a ponderous weariness in his words not entirely masked by the habitual tone of wry self-deprecation. He always sort of sounded like that when he was serious but not angry. As if you and he were in on the mutual joke about Luke’s fitness for the part of giving advice like some wise old sage. It was the voice Ben knew second best in the world and its moods were more readily and easily comprehensible to him than his own.

Being a mentor never did come naturally to Luke, but he sure was good at an authoritative guilt trip. The insight was bitter and Ben resented the way his throat was burning and his eyes were filling right on cue. Just as well he was in the dark with a dead man, he was glad no one could see him fall at the same hurdle all over again. Luke knew his dad had called him that. He’d already thrown it in his face once, the affectionate nickname honed to a poisonous stinging sharpness like some barbed arrow shot into Ben’s heart across a field of salt ready to rub in the wound. Whether to effect a threat or a promise, it cut as deeply.

“He called me that, too, Ben.”

Ben jolted up onto his hands, the searing pain of jangling his still-healing ribs barely a flicker in his awareness as he whipped his head around to finally stare right at Luke. His uncle appeared much as he had during their last confrontation. Maybe his hair was a bit longer, his beard a little less neat. He was dressed in a simple white tunic and a scruffy brown cloak. He didn’t look like a Jedi master, he didn’t even look like a Jedi. He looked like a farmer.

“If only, right?” Luke asked dryly, his luminous blue eyes slowly rolling up to meet Ben’s as if inviting him to share in the irony. It was a bizarre sort of prostrate apology, Ben sensed, an almost total repudiation of the person who had taught him to swallow his fear and who had eventually decided that Ben needed to die for the greater good. Those nearly preternaturally clear, bright eyes which had always seemed to pierce Ben to the quick- to strip away his prevarications and defences and flay him to his inadequate, disappointing, polluted bones. Pollution Luke shared, as it turned out.

“You’d never have known or forgiven him if you’d stayed on your farm. No rescue for my mother, maybe no reprieve for the galaxy,” Ben told the wall over his uncle’s shoulder, avoiding Luke’s gaze. The rage which had threatened to flood through his body subsided just as quickly, leaving a hollow ache in its wake. It was with merely reflective bitterness that he added, “But then again, I would never have been born.”

Luke’s hand came to rest on his elbow and he flinched in shock at its firmness, its reality. The tentative touch was just as substantial as the bed beneath him or the bacta cage pressing against his injuries. It hurt as much, too, the disused senses it activated were just as tender.

His face, when Ben finally gathered the willpower to look at it, was a mask of sorrow which aged him about fifty years. Care and sympathy lined his weathered skin with deep groves and, for maybe the very first time, Ben genuinely thought of Luke Skywalker as old. As breakable.

“Ben,” he said, and he said it with such horribly painful sincerity. “I regret very near every choice I ever made about you. You’ll never know how much. But I regret what I did, what I said... how I treated you. I know this is going to be rich, but I have to tell you because it’s true and you can believe it, kid: I’ll never regret you being there. No one wants to give you up, Ben. Not for anything.”

It was rich. It was far too rich. They sat together in the awfulness of how empty that sounded when ‘giving up’ was exactly what all of them had done. The one thing no one in his family had ever failed to do was to give up on him. Maybe they hadn’t wanted to, maybe that was true as far as it went, but it had happened notwithstanding.

“I just wish I were I better teacher…” Luke muttered helplessly to end the interminable silence, perhaps unable to offer more.

“I didn’t need a better teacher!” Ben snapped with all the simmering harshness he’d been trying to dissipate. The pressure of Rey’s remembered indignation on his behalf still reverberating through his skull and focussing his long-standing anger for the first time onto this salient point instead of a formless wall of anguish. “I didn’t need you to be my master, I didn’t want a master at all! That was never… what I wanted.”

Something seemed to shatter in Luke’s aura, some last bit of resistance to the thing they were still not quite facing. Peace and purpose had been easier when they were apart. Ben glanced up warily and saw his uncle’s head hanging low and the shudder of his shoulders as he drew a few shaky breaths. Groping for composure, Luke rolled his neck and put a fist to his temple, resting his elbow on his knee. His expression was glum as he met Ben’s eyes, like he was twisting his own arm to make himself say this.

“You know, kid, I hated it too,” he said resignedly, like he was confessing a crime “What business did I ever have setting myself up as someone’s master? That was never me even when I let  myself get convinced it was my destiny.” He paused, shaking his head against his supporting hand, the fist tightening. “But I did think it was the right thing, I thought that was the only way to help you. It was the training, and you needed training to give you control.”

An understanding passed between them over that. Their sentiments not so dissimilar on orthodox Jedi methodology.

“I thought…” Luke went on haltingly, “I thought then that it was best to follow the traditions. I had no idea what I was doing, how else to do it, and it meant I would have to be careful to never single you out so maybe you’d finally feel normal- like you belonged somewhere.”

“I didn’t belong.”

“And you were always singled out. I know.” Now he sounded, if possible, even more tired. “I kept you so distant and they still resented you.”

Ben felt his lip tremble and hated himself. He’d been trying to stop, really trying, but the habit of a lifetime made catching the ugly loathing before it progressed to conscious thought about as easy as shaving an angry wookiee. Often times, he didn’t catch it at all and Rey would be the first one to notice.

Luke studied him and his quiet regard seemed to pull Ben inevitably into the vortex of his searching gaze, his eyes unavoidable. “Ben, I… I know me being your master was not what you needed. I know that now. Trying to be made me think I had to… I had to take responsibility… damn it, I’m dead and it’s still hard to face it.”

Ben huffed a breath through his nose, not quite scoffing. “At least you stopped.”

The hand at his elbow was back and he looked at it instead of Luke’s face. He hadn’t realised before that it was his uncle’s right hand, the one he’d lost, but it wasn’t a prosthetic- it was real, made of living flesh. Or living spirit, whatever it was Luke was made of now.

“You can’t change the past, Ben, but you can be made whole.”

“Yeah, when you’re dead.”

Luke’s chin dipped to his chest and his sadly admonishing stare from under a staunchly disapproving brow was so profound that even seeing it from the very edge of his peripheral vision made Ben want to shrink away.

Even so, he shook his head in answer to the look. “I still think… I keep thinking, wouldn’t it be better if… wouldn’t it be better?”

“No.”

Ben nodded and tried to swallow around the lump in his throat. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now that will make you stopping worth it. My life has cost so many people so much. How am I supposed to be worth it?”

“Ben-”

There was another hot tear rolling down his cheek and he breathed out very slowly through his nose, chewing on the inside of his lower lip as he prayed for calm and balance. “I looked up to you. When I realised I couldn’t be a pilot like my dad, you were the one I wanted to be like- I never… I never thought I could, but I thought I could make you proud by trying. You were my hero. I thought if I could prove myself to you, show you I was okay and do everything you said, maybe you would convince them that I… that I would be… safe.”

Luke’s comforting grip moved to his shoulder and squeezed hard as Ben shaded his eyes with a hand across his brow and wept as quietly as he could, gasping for breath between holding back sobs. He was trying to swallow down that desperate hurt, but there was too much, he couldn’t contain it any more. He almost missed the internal numbness of physical torture, the white haze of burning nerve endings which blocked out all conscious thought. He almost missed the overwhelming mental agony and sick-making compulsion of Snoke’s thunderous telepathic commands.

“Kid, I… Ben…”

The hand squeezed again.

“Ben, I’d never be such an ass that I’d tell you I know how you feel, but know that I stranded myself on that island because I felt like a murderer. Worse than a murderer, I felt like I killed your soul. I ran away because I couldn’t imagine ever forgiving myself, I couldn’t imagine ever making anything better again. And when she found me-”

“Rey.”

“-when Rey found me, I let her paint me as the victim. I let her believe I hadn’t failed. I was a coward.” Luke sat back in his chair and stared down at his empty hands in his lap. “I was a coward to ever be hiding there in the first place and I was even more of a coward in being found. And the truth is I knew it all along, I knew exactly how I was doing the wrong thing and I just wouldn’t admit it. It’s the same wrong thing I’ve done so many times before in my life. Remember I told you about how Obi-wan first…?”

“Yeah,” he mumbled wetly, bussing his nose on his sleeve. “Million times when I was little. M'namesake.”

“Yeah,” Luke repeated, distant. “I thought I’d learned that you can't… you can’t run away from choices. Doing nothing can be as bad as doing the wrong thing- and I did both. The only mistake you can’t come back from is the one you don’t forgive yourself for.”

Ben was lost. “You forgave the scourge of the galaxy. You told us the heart of a Jedi was patience. I knew if you’d given up on me it must mean…”

“That moment I almost considered… that wasn’t the worst thing I did to you that night. I should have gone after you, Ben. I should never have let you go. None of us should have. That was the worst thing. We treated you like a threat, like we’d already written you off. And I should have talked to you about your grandfather.”

“She should have,” Ben interjected quickly. It pained him deeply to put blame on his mother, but Luke had enough without taking on what wasn’t truly his. “She never… and I always knew they were afraid.”

Luke rubbed his brow, wincing at that confirmation that their fears hadn’t been secret. “Ben, no one has ever been honest with you and I want to change that. If you can give me the chance, I want to be honest with you.”

“I don’t see what more damage it could do now,” Ben muttered. “There can’t possibly be something worse I’ve done I don’t know about, and there really can’t be that much worse than finding out your grandfather tried to conquer the galaxy. I guess I’m tempting fate, though, aren’t I?” He found himself nearly smiling, a quirk of sardonic amusement tugging up at one corner of his lips. It still felt odd. That little muscle might have atrophied.

Luke smiled back briefly, but there was no humour in it. “Maybe.”

Ben felt his face drop along with his stomach. There really couldn’t be something worse, could there?

The change in his demeanour must have been apparent because Luke immediately lifted his hands in a placating gesture. “It’s not you, Ben. None of this should have fallen on your shoulders, it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your choice. You were just an innocent kid and you deserved a chance to be that- you were owed that chance. I was supposed to be protecting you, but it became… somehow I made it about myself. I had to be what a Jedi Master was supposed to be, I had to live up to who everyone said I was. And I thought that meant… at some point, you became my crucible task. Something in my control, something I had to fix.”

The anger was still there after all. It still smouldered, almost screeched with impotent violence in the back of his mind. It didn’t rush forward and overtake his senses the way it had before, it didn’t wash away reason and cloud his vision until the world became a blur of pain and enemies. He’d mastered it enough that he could both feel it and observe it dispassionately. He’d owned this rage, acknowledged it, and now that he accepted it was an emotion not a state of being, he could make sense of it. This wasn’t the all-consuming helpless lashing rage which had nearly swallowed him whole, this wasn’t a mask concealing fear; this anger was just.

Ben did not hate his uncle. He could never have hated him, though he’d spent every waking second of all those interminable days he was locked up in his despair with Snoke’s promises of vengeance in his ears trying to convince himself that he did, to pretend the only thing he felt was anger. He didn’t hate him, but he was angry with him. It wasn’t ever vengeance he had wanted, Ben realised now, it was to take away Luke’s power over him.

I want to be free of this pain. Even he hadn’t fully appreciated how earnest a plea it was when he’d said it, didn’t know how desperately he meant it.

“I needed you to tell me I wasn’t broken,” he finally said. The admission was so heavy that it seemed to infiltrate the atmosphere of the med suite, to hang between them with irresistible gravitation, a black hole sucking away the façades of denial still separating them. “I needed you so much and it was like you were there for everyone else except me. You were out of reach, like… like an ideal. Not real, not… tangible, not for me. I thought if I could just make myself worthy, if I could just be good enough, then…”

“I’m sorry, Ben.” There were tears glittering in those ghostly eyes, a crack in the vaguely echoing ethereal voice. “I meant what I said on Crait. I failed you so badly. I lied to you all those years until nothing true was left between us. I’m sorry I tried so hard to be something other than your family.”

Ben toyed with the edge of his blanket, already ashamed. “Because you could have contained me if I’d still trusted you?”

“Because you’re my nephew and I had a duty.”

There it was. It would always come out eventually. He’d accepted it once in despair, maybe his final test was to accept it without despair. “Yeah. Yeah, I know I was a terrible obligation. They weren’t prepared for it, I understand. All those years I didn’t know why I was so much to bear, I resented being such an obvious burden. I couldn’t stop blaming them for it. Then I knew why.”

“Oh, Ben. Oh, kid. I’m so sorry.” Luke rubbed both hands over his face in apparent anguish, tugging the skin around almost violently. “I’m such a rube, I’m making a huge mess of this.”

Ben sighed, wishing he could make all this stop. Even knowing the consequences of his previous efforts to make it stop, he still wanted to do anything but stay in this purgatory. He just wanted it to be over. “It’s all right.”

“It’s not all right,” Luke roared, so abruptly that Ben jumped. “It’s not all right because you weren’t a burden, you weren’t a project, none of us should have treated you like an obligation. You were a child, Ben! Our child. I told Rey that I was worried about everything I loved, about losing it all, and how could I even for that split second have had that thought and not included…!”

“It’s all right,” he repeated, horrified, not wanting to hear any more.

“Ben, I’m begging you to understand- it was a lie to pit you against- I love you, Ben. I loved you the moment your mother introduced us when you were twenty minutes old. I held you in my arms when you were barely there you were so small, you had a wild little curl of hair already and such curious eyes, and you smiled at me- right then I wanted to protect you from everything and anything and I didn’t. I didn’t! I kept meaning to spend more time, I kept thinking I’d love to be around to help you with the Force, but Leia was always busy and you were growing up so fast. Something was wrong and she would never tell me what.

"And then you were my pupil, my problem to solve, and I put you in a box and shut you outside my heart thinking I had to be objective. I tried to be a Jedi and detach myself and it was all so stupid. I didn’t trust my feelings and I knew better than that. If I had listened to old Jedi Masters during the war, none of us would even be here because my father would never have brought down the Emperor.

"We would have lost if I’d listened. They were wrong. I don’t know when I lost faith, but I guess I was afraid. I was so afraid that I would fail you, fail your mother, and it was because I let that fear take over that I did fail. Prophecy is self-fulfilling- I knew that! The Force is always with us, Ben, there’s nothing we can do to shut it out, but when we close our eyes to the Light and turn inward to vanity- that’s when we think we’re alone. And when you’re alone, thinking you have to do everything alone, that’s when fear will win.

"Slowly, without noticing it, I became so sure I had to be perfect. I started believing my own legend, and that’s when I couldn’t forgive myself for any mistakes. That’s when I had to be in control of everything. And trying to control you instead of love you made me forget who you were.”

Ben sat in stunned silence, unable to respond.

Luke’s face was beseeching, his palms turned up in supplication, “I treated you like a tool, a dangerous weapon, not a person, and I know exactly how that feels. My teachers did that to me. My teachers lied to me. I should have told you the truth, I should have talked to you about the future, and I should have been close enough to notice. I should have protected you. Ben, we were the ones who should have protected you, it’s not your fault you didn’t know what Snoke was. You couldn’t have known. We pushed you right into his hands.

"And I know it’s a lot to ask, it’s a lot more than anyone has ever asked of me, but I need to ask you for your forgiveness. Not just for my sake, kid, but because not forgiving has… if I’d forgiven myself six years ago, I would have been there to find you. Tell you that you weren’t on your own. Help. I’d be there to try to make it up to you, and then maybe… maybe if I had, there wouldn’t have been so much more to forgive.”

Maybe Dad would still be alive, he meant. And maybe he would be. It wasn’t on Luke’s head that he wasn’t, it wasn’t on anyone’s head but Ben’s in the final reckoning, but the case remained that maybe…

“Sure,” Ben said. His voice only wobbled a little.

Uncle Luke blinked at him, shaken out of some prodigiously grim thought judging by the cut of his frown.

Ben nodded at him. He nodded again when there was no reaction. “Sure, Uncle Luke. Sure, I’ll forgive you.”

Luke’s mouth opened but no words came out.

“Probably it might take a while. I can say it right now and I mean it, but… But I’m going to work on it. I’m working on a lot.”

“I’ll bet.” There was the nascent beginnings of a twinkle in Luke's eyes and that hint of mischief stirred long-dormant memories of being at home, his parents both away, when Luke looked after him more in the spirit of a co-conspirator than a real adult. It had been rare and he’d cherished it, the memory bright and hazy with the embellishment of frequent, idealised recall. He’d reached for the Force thoughtlessly back then, just another way to play with his toys, and Luke had joined in, neither of them afraid, laughing together.

“Yeah, that doesn’t help,” Ben replied with as much sarcasm as he could rally. If his eyes were swimming and his voice was rough, that didn’t mean anything.

Luke smiled at him and it was both incredibly happy and incredibly sad. “Sorry.”

They didn’t try to make light any more. They didn’t speak for a very long time, just existing together and remembering. He wanted to memorise his uncle’s presence, his steady glow in the Force. It had been such a long time since he’d felt the warmth of it, since he could associate it with anything but terror and rage and pain.

It was like a sun. As bright and encompassing as the heat of the desert where Luke had grown up, its sparkling youthful energy matching the optimistic, playful disposition from Ben’s earliest memories of him. All that light in him, so abundant and self-giving, and he had still fallen under a shadow.

But not forever. Even the darkest night ended.

“Dad used to say he took the zig-zag path in life, never the straight path, and that it was dumb and hard and he didn’t recommend it, but he still got where he needed to be eventually. I was too little for him to explain what he meant by that, but I think I figured it out. I think… I think I remember that he told me once the hardest thing next to never screwing up at all is admitting you’ve gone the wrong way and turning back. He did it a lot.”

They sat and listened to the soft hum of outdated medical equipment while Ben collected himself to go on.

“The thing was- the proof I was going the wrong way was also the mistake that made it impossible to accept it was a wasted journey,” he continued, discreetly knocking tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand. “I couldn’t live with it being for nothing. I still can’t. I have to make it not for nothing.”

“Yeah.”

Some far away voices in the corridor drifted a little closer and then faded again. The bacta thrummed through its tubes.

“You know Rey kissed me?”

“She loves you. Pretty good for a first kiss.”

Ben did a double take and felt his cheeks heat with embarrassment. He was still adjusting to that being the case, still inclined to think it was an impossible circumstance that she could want him with no ulterior motives, no conditions- just for himself. That he could be loved without obligation. For Luke to throw it down as a casual statement of fact, for Luke to know about it, intruded violently on his already delicate grasp of its reality.

“After I caught you two together, she was on the warpath. Foolish of me not to recognise the signs of a woman who’d made up her mind and couldn’t be stopped. I’ve sure seen them before.”

He made it sound so lascivious. They’d barely touched when Luke interrupted. Yet Ben shivered down to his toes at the thought of it.

Luke shook his head at this, knowing, then smiled somewhat sheepishly. “It’s already not for nothing, even if that was all. Love is everything.”

“Mmm, Rey said she knocked you on your ass. It was noble because she did it for me, I guess, since love is everything.”

“I wasn’t fighting. I was letting her get the aggression out so I could talk sense to her.”

“Uh huh. Are you glad you died before Mom found out?”

“No comment.”

[blackjack-15]

Silly Rabbit, Ecological Terrorism is For Kids! — Thoughts on: The White Wolf of Icicle Creek (ICE)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT, FIN, SSH, DOG, CAR, DDI, SHA, CUR, CLK, TRN, DAN, CRE

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it. As ICE sends off the Jetsetting Games category and moves into the Odd Games category, there will be a section between The Intro and The Title called The Weird Stuff, where I’ll go into what storyline marks this game a bit Odd in the Nancy Drew series as a whole.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are not spoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: ICE; TRT; mention of FIN; mention of CUR; mention of TRN; mention of SEA.

This meta is under a read more because of its sheer length.

The Intro:

Ughhhhh. UGHHH.

The White Wolf of Icicle Creek has a lot of things that make it distinct in the Nancy Drew video game series — it sports the first new interface since SHA, it has the world’s most boring list of ‘enticing moments’ from the game on the back, its assets look like they were forcefully molded out of gummy bears, it randomly was released on Wii, it’s the best-known game among non-fans thanks to the Game Grumps — but it also stands out because not one of those things make it enjoyable to play or to watch without a heavy amount of MST3K-style commentary.

Also because it features the fandom’s least favorite puzzle of all time…but more on that later.

A point to get out of the way before we get into the game proper is that this game feels a lot like a cheap knock-off of Treasure in a Royal Tower. Like, a lot like a cheap knock-off. One of those animated films called “Bemo’s Lost in the Ocean” or “A Toy Tale” that come out around Disney/Pixar films to try to trick hapless grandmas into buying them.

Just lining it up, we have Nancy stuck in/around a lodge in winter, an edict from the owner of the lodge to figure out what’s up with repeated Incidents and possible sabotage while most guests have left, an academic around Nancy’s age, an Old Coot, an Olympian whose grandparent was important, chores (including food related chores) to do in order to progress in the story, a suspect you can only talk to face-to-face for part of the game…the list honestly goes on in both big and small ways.

While ICE isn’t the only one that tries to do this (since I’m not doing a SEA meta, I won’t get into the fact that SEA literally just remastered DDI’s characters and said ‘good enough’), it does feel particularly egregious because, for all its copying, there’s not enough in the game to distract from it even a bit.

ICE is a game searching for an identity and unable to find one, no matter how many plot points, chores, or games (horrible, unskippable games) they throw at the player. We have full on international espionage and ecological terrorism here (more on that in the next section), and it just…doesn’t matter, at the end of the day. It also takes place in Canada, but your only clue to that is that one of the characters says “eh” a lot, so that’s not great either.

If ICE is a new game to you (it can be a bear to install and even worse to complete, so I’m going to go off the assumption that not everyone will be familiar with it), you’ve probably only heard of the cooking chores, fox and geese, and that this is the game with the Return of Tony Balducci, previously of TRN fame. (Honestly, ICE had a big enough cast without its phone characters, but HER decided to shove three phone characters along with one partial phone character at us anyway.) And, to be honest, that’s pretty much all there is to the game.

Now I know this sounds harsh, but there is a possible explanation to the lack of content in this game. In my previous meta (link at the top of this post) I made a note that CRE’s production in all likelihood suffered because the company was focused on ICE’s new interface. I don’t think it’s a leap at all to say that ICE’s story and characters could also have suffered because of the same thing.

The biggest problem with ICE — besides the weird stuff we’ll get into below — is that it’s a shallow game. None of the characters have any real depth, the plot is a paper-thin copy of TRT, the puzzles are alternatingly impossible and extremely easy, and in an effort to add “depth”, we get…well, we get this next section.

The Weird Stuff:

With each of the Odd Games (ICE through RAN, Heaven help us all), there’s something that makes the game truly…well, odd. Odd for the Nancy Drew series, odd for the age range specified on the front of the box, and odd in general when you look at the rest of the plot.

In this game, it comes in the form of terrorism — or rather, two types of terrorism. Guadalupe is our first (and only, in this series) ecological terrorist, belonging to a fringe group called “Run and Go Free” and being perfectly fine with illegal acts (destruction of the fishing lodge, sabotage of personal property), even telling Nancy that she’s done worse in the name of Run and Go Free.

Nancy Drew Games are no stranger to hippie/naturalist types (see DOG, DDI, CAR, etc.) but Lupe is our first to be legitimately dangerous. Sure, she doesn’t end up being the ultimate Bad Guy, but she is A Bad Guy, and it really does seem very odd to me that after everything Lupe does (and insinuates that she’s done), that she gets away with barely a slap on the wrist in having to leave the lodge.

Lupe in no way fits in with the rest of the plot; there’s nothing to justify her being present in the game, she can appear about halfway through the game and then leaves to become a phone contact soon after, she’s not present enough to be an actual suspect — she has no place in the plot nor the game, and it really does just boggle the mind that a character is in it at all, especially with ICE having a greater than average number of suspects to begin with.

On the other hand, however, we have Yanni, an Eastern European Olympian spy/terrorist, sent by the Fredonian (a commonly used fake country) government to bomb around the lodge to find uranium under the cover of training for the next Olympics.

That is a whole lot of things for one character.

You’d think with the presence of Lupe that Yanni would fit right in, but he doesn’t make her — or himself — any less odd or out of place than he would have been alone. It’s a ‘suspicious Olympian’ character that we already got with Jacques, but he’s a million times worse, setting off friggin bombs to find a metal that his government wants for…well, the normal reason that governments want uranium.

So we can add in “reference to ongoing nuclear warfare” as another thing that makes this game Odd.

Yanni doesn’t fit the game or the plot, which is pretty bad considering he’s responsible for about half the plot in the first place. He also has that weird aside about his grandmother being eaten by wolves, as if HER wants the player to suspect him because of some twisted revenge against wolves plot (which would have been Very Weird) so that they can pull the rug out at the end and be like “see?? He’s a political terrorist looking for uranium for nuclear bombs for his country!!! Gotcha!!”.

Like, it’s not a Gotcha if it’s absolute lunacy. My land.

With that explanation out of the way, let’s get to something a little less Odd.

The Title:

 I actually don’t have much to say here. The White Wolf of Icicle Creek is honestly a great name; it tells us the focal point of the game (the wolf), the location, (Icicle Creek), and even pretty much tells you the season that this game is happening in (white, icicle). It accomplishes a lot in a very short amount of words, and pertains accurately to the game we’re dealing with.

We’ll chalk that up in the “Win” category…especially since we’re going straight back into the “Lose” category with the next section.

The Mystery:

The mystery is a mess, full stop. There’s way too much going on for the amount of payoff (i.e. little to none), and the plot, thin at best, completely drops off at the 2/3rds mark when all the player has left to do is wait for random events to occur and keep putting off fox and geese.

Anyway.

We begin with strange, destructive incidents of sabotage happening at a renowned winter resort. Most of the guests have left, and there’s been some damage to parts of the resort. Asked for help by the owner of the resort who’s away on business, Nancy must pick up the slack left by staff who have quit, run food-related errands, and discover who might be behind these attacks before it’s too late.

Oh wait, that’s Treasure in a Royal Tower. Lemme start again.

We begin with strange, destructive incidents of sabotage happening at a renowned winter resort. Most of the guests have left, and there’s been some damage —

You get the picture.

The biggest difference pre-game is that after every incident, a white wolf is spotted, only to disappear before the police get there. People start connecting the wolf to the crimes, and go as far as blaming it for cases of food poisoning and slashed tires, as if the wolf is cooking food and using a knife with its paws.

Just as Nancy’s arriving on scene, the bunkhouse is blown up and she hears the wolf howling — so obviously there must be a connection there, and a wolf definitely isn’t just responding to a loud noise.

This part honestly feels a bit like the beginning of CUR, where the game tries to establish Scary Feelings and Ominous Threats and just comes off ham-fisted.

The back of the box features three ‘exciting’ things that Nancy gets to do in this game, which are as follows: cook lunch and dinner, ride a snowmobile and wear snow shoes, and do snowball fights and ice fishing. While it’s sad that those moderately exciting things are the best that the box can boast, it’s even sadder that they really are the best the game has to offer.

It’s easy to lose thread of the mystery nearly as soon as Nancy gets to the lodge, because she’s immediately bombarded with laundry that has to be done before a certain time, meals that have to be done within a certain hour or two, and a suspect (Lupe) that can just refuse to show up.

Oh, and the return of Tino Balducci.

Returning in a game where he doesn’t fit in and where no one wanted him in the first place, Tino’s there to “help” Nancy solve the mystery by giving her a questionnaire for her suspects to fill out that asks what planet they see themselves as, among other inanities.

Honestly, this whole section could be summed up as “Tino returns, among other inanities”.

Nancy, throughout all of this, somehow has time to do a bit of detective work, interviewing a cast of rather one-note suspects, figuring out that more than one person is responsible for the many accidents. Guadalupe’s sabotage is discovered and she’s sent home, Yanni is increasingly unavailable (which is hugely suspicious), snowball fights are more prevalent than necessary, and finally the villain is exposed, all culminating in a glitchy, nigh-impossible snowmobile chase.

Oh, and there’s a half-tamed wolf storyline that kinda pops up every now and again.

All in all, the mystery is a weak thread throughout the game — which is a problem, because it’s the only thread throughout the game — that’s easily overshadowed by the chores, games, and frankly awful visuals throughout the game.

Now, to those who contribute (in a way) to the non-entity that is ICE’s story:

The Suspects:

Ollie Randall is our resident grumpy caretaker and is Chantal’s right-hand man, along with being on the Avalanche Patrol and a firm believer in the bad luck that wolves bring. His wife can’t handle cold temperatures due to a nerve condition, so he’s also his daughter Freddie’s sole parent during the winter.

As a culprit in the game as it now is, Ollie would have been the only sensical option; fed up with the awful guests that come and cause havoc, he starts causing little easily-solved accidents to spook away the less hardy-type guests, but it keeps spiraling as it doesn’t keep out everyone but people like Bill Kessler. Frustrated by the treatment the lodge gets, he decides that if people don’t treat it nicely, they can’t have it at all…

Unfortunately, Ollie is limited to being Grumpy, and not a lot else.

Freddie Randall is Ollie’s daughter and the self-proclaimed Snow Princess due to her ability to stay out in the cold for hours in her snow fort, and to take repeated snowballs to the face courtesy of a teen detective.

Freddie is…I know I talked about how Yanni and Lupe don’t really fit into the game, but Freddie really doesn’t fit any version of this game. She’s there for a mini game, she doesn’t have a personality, you can’t skip her mini game, she’s voiced by Lani Minella…the list goes on and on. Her shining moment of glory is acting as a red herring by throwing a snowball through Lou’s window.

She’s pointless to talk about as a potential culprit, even though she would have been an interesting “culprit” in a case where all the incidents are actually Freddie accidentally causing trouble, but that probably would have been even less satisfying than how the game actually went, so we’ll just move along here.

Our cross-country skiing Olympian from the fictional Eastern European country of Fredonia, Yanni Volkstaia is both our only suspect wearing a onesie and our only suspect with a family member eaten by wolves.

I know, that’s already a high bar to top. Don’t worry, he’ll fall very, very far below it.

Yanni, as mentioned above, is our odd spy/terrorist villain who is disguising his being there for uranium by saying that it’s his Olympic competitors trying to throw off his training. Why an Olympian is training alone without any coaches or security…well, let’s just say that Yanni didn’t really think his cover story through.

Just because Yanni’s the obvious culprit doesn’t mean he fills the role well; Yanni is obvious, annoying, and his paper-thin cover is just annoying enough to be…well, annoying. He throws out that his grandmother was “killed and devoured” by wolves as if he wants Nancy to believe that that’s the reason he’s targeting the lodge but…it still points directly to him. It’s just not great all the way around.

Joining Yanni in terrorism is Guadalupe Comillo, activist from California and hard-to-find suspect. Lupe can, as mentioned above, literally just not appear for a bit, stalling out the game and making her even more annoying than she already is.

Lupe’s cover is that she’s a bird watcher, but she knows absolutely nothing about birds — like honestly nothing, even though she had time to make her cover story (not unlike Yanni).

She gets sent away by destruction of private property (Ollie’s gun – super dangerous to make a gun misaim out in the wild and she’s lucky he didn’t hit anything problematic [like another person] because of it) and good riddance, but appears as a phone friend to rather pointlessly exonerate herself and do pretty much nothing else but stop the game in its tracks until she lets it proceed.

As a culprit, Lupe would have been the other obvious choice, but she’s just not in the game enough, so she’s easy to ignore. Her cover is thin, but so is her motivation (!!! Save the wolf!!!), so she’s one of the most annoying non-entity suspects in this series.

Our second Californian in the cast is Lou Talbot, who is a college student, master of ‘earthitecture’ (inspired by Poppy Dada) and stealer of dinosaur bones for money. He also plays fox and geese with Bill in his spare time. He does a really good impression of the Guy in my MFA twitter as well, but that’s literally it.

No, really, that’s his entire character. I can’t even posit what he would be like as the culprit because that is LITERALLY all we’re given on him. End of bio. My gosh, what a waste of pixels.

Lou’s partner in fox and geese is Bill Kessler, who loves to fish and whose grandmother used to own the lodge before Chantal. While he feels that his grandmother Tilly was cheated out of the lodge, he has little desire to get it back, and really just wants to hide the fact that he’s been to the lodge before (an odd thing to hide, but whatever makes him feel better.)

Like Lou, apart from that, he really doesn’t have any character. He basically is a mix of TRT’s Jacques in his family connection to the lodge and SHA’s Dave in actual amount of motivation (i.e., 0 motivation) to do anything about it. He is, however, the person who makes Nancy play fox and geese, and for that alone, I hate him.

As a culprit, Bill’s played as a red herring for a solid 5 minutes of gameplay (though not very well — why would an avid fisherman blow up a fishing shack?), and then totally discounted the moment Nancy finds out his backstory. He’s really just there — like most of the cast, worryingly enough — to pad out the number of suspects and to give Nancy a taste of Hell through fox and geese.

The Favorite:

There are a few bright spots in this confused mess of a game, so let’s go through them.

My favorite moment in the game is when Nancy, after Yanni says the horrific line about his grandmother being killed and devoured by wolves, can ask “how”. As if that’s a sentence that needs a ‘how’. It’s a great moment of Nancy being absolutely tone deaf, and I giggle like a madman every time I think about it.

My favorite puzzle in the game is probably the cooking minigame, which I dislike in frequency and time requirement, but do love in actual practice. It’s fun to cook in every Nancy Drew game, and this one is no exception. I just wish it wasn’t regimented so heavily.

I love the atmosphere of the lodge; it’s beautifully animated (in fact one of my favorite locations in the ND games), big without being too big, and is never boring, even by the end of the game. The lodge is largely a character unto itself, and is quite successful as a wonderful location.

The Un-Favorite:

There’s a lot to unpack here, but we’ll keep it short because the fix section of this meta is gonna have me by the throat.

My least favorite moment in the game is the moment Tino comes into the game. As the game now stands, there’s no reason for him to be involved, and short a comment about him by the Hardy Boys, which would at least justify it a little, he’s purposeless. He’s worse than that, actually — he’s there to slow the game down, and that’s a cardinal sin.

My least favorite puzzle in the game is a tie between fox and geese (UGH) and the final snowmobile chase. My problems with fox and geese are obvious — they’re everyone’s problems with fox and geese: it’s a required puzzle, it’s hard to do, there’s no way to cheat through it, and it takes forever.

The final snowmobile chase is somehow even worse. It’s buggy, laggy, has nothing to do with the actual plot, has arbitrary win conditions — it’s the worst (or at least among the worst) that HER has to offer with final puzzles. If everything else about ICE was perfect, engaging, fun, and thought-provoking, this final puzzle would still put me off of playing it. It’s just that bad.

The storyline with Isis and that whole backstory isn’t treated well in game; it’s almost as if they came up with the title and then remembered at the last minute that there’s supposed to be an actual wolf. I would have loved more of a focus on that storyline; as it is, it barely counts as a blip on the game’s radar — which is a shame.

The Fix:

Gosh, how on earth will I fix The White Wolf of Icicle Creek? The answer is that I don’t feel like I can just apply a few quick fixes and be on my way; the only answer I could find is to approach this as if I was at the proposal meeting for this game — how would I outline the barebones scenario?

This section will be long, as I’m going to start just from the skeleton and build things in. What follows is my own imaginings of what my own personal ideas would be to create ICE, rather than to fix it from what the finished product was. As an important note, the side-plot with the wolf, as it was really neglected and bare-bones to begin with in the game, is mostly removed.

The first section I’ll work on is structure. Though it wasn’t done perfectly in FIN, I feel like the pacing of ICE could be vastly improved by putting a clock on the game by assigning designated days and tasks. Three days is still probably a good idea, as it lets us easily break the story into a 3-act structure and delineate certain tasks for certain days without overloading one day in particular. We’ll get more into what should happen in Days 1, 2, and 3 later in a general overview of how the plot would go.

The mechanism used to get Nancy there — Chantal being a friend of Carson’s — isn’t bad, but I’d change it up just slightly. Nancy’s not yet a “professional” detective, but we’re only 2 games from her being hired by a foreign country’s authorities, so she should be making her way up there. It stands to reason that Nancy would attract some attention from the business in CRE since the Hardy Boys would definitely mention Nancy in their de-briefing and Aikens is a big name, so let’s build on that from here. Chantal is still Carson’s friend, and she still wants to get these incidents solved while she’s away from the Lodge for legal matters — someone got injured at the lodge and is now suing.

Carson decides to officially hire Nancy — paperwork, legal documentation, etc. — as a “concerned third party” in Chantal’s problems, telling her that her job is to find out two things: find out what’s causing the incidents of sabotage, and give Carson enough evidence in favor of the lodge’s safety that he can prove reasonable doubt against the people accusing Chantal. Nancy will be there undercover as a family friend of Chantal’s, with only Ollie knowing that she’s there in an official capacity.

ICE has a cast that is both unwieldy and characterless, and I feel like the way to fix that is through combining characters. Starting out we have Ned, Chantal, Tino, the ex-maid, her boyfriend, Ollie, Freddie, Lupe, Yanni, Lou, and Bill — 10 characters that we deal with in the present, plus one other player (in the boyfriend/stalker guy). 11 in total. That is a huge, huge cast that we definitely need to pare down.

The first thing to do is to take out Tino Balducci. He slows down the plot, is completely unnecessary, and isn’t even entertaining. Since there’s no Hardy Boys to play off of him (and I would keep the Hardy Boys out of this game, even with my love for them), Tino needs to go the way of the dodo. And good riddance to him, honestly.

Freddie, an obvious subject to axe, should instead be aged up to around 20 and combined with the maid whose ex-boyfriend’s letter Nancy finds at the beginning of the game. Freddie would handle all the chores the first day except the cooking.

Instead of a nebulous, incident-causing ex-boyfriend, Freddie would have just started a relationship with Lou, keeping our cast tight and visible, rather than one-off characters with nothing else to give to the story.

By now we’re down to Carson, Ned, Chantal, Freddie, Ollie, Lupe, Yanni, Lou, and Bill. I think we can do a little better than that.

The next step I’d take is to remove Yanni entirely. Yes, I know it’s a big change to remove the canonical culprit, but bear with me. With Yanni and Lupe having so many similarities and together being guilty of 99% of the Crimes in this game, I’m pretty comfortable in combining them. I’d also make the minor change of having Lupe be an Indigenous Canadian rather than Hispanic and from California, since our game is set in Canada and there’s absolutely no reason for a large portion of our cast to be American.

With Yanni gone, Lupe (or whatever her new name would be, since the name ‘Lupe’, all nationality changes aside, in a game ostensibly about a wolf makes me want to kill myself) assumes a few of his personality quirks – most importantly, a family member with a past with wolves. It doesn’t really matter if it’s positive or negative, you just want the association there as a herring (red or otherwise).

That puts us down to 5 suspects to talk to and three phone friends for a total of 8 players in the present. Since Chantal is supposed to be busy, I’d remove the ability to talk to her entirely — anything that Chantal could offer can come through Carson as Nancy’s official “employer”, which brings us to a nice 7 players — an entirely manageable number.

So let’s begin.

The beginning of the game with Nancy at her desk always includes a case file, so this time the case file would say that Nancy, at the behest of her ‘client’, Carson Drew, is flying out to Alberta to investigate strange happenings at Chantal Moique’s lodge. Chantal is trying to settle with people who got hurt there and are trying to sue her, and Carson’s helping to advise her. Nancy’s mission is two-fold: figure out what’s causing the incidents at the lodge, and find evidence that Chantal can’t be held liable for the injuries incurred by the guests suing her.

Wolves are commonly seen around the area of the lodge — Northern Alberta has some of the highest population of wolves in North America — and there’s a rumor at the lodge that the spirits of the wolves that are hunted in the area every winter are causing some of the sabotage.

Chantal thinks the rumor is being spread by whoever is doing the actual sabotage to make her guests leave and force her out of business, so Carson tells Nancy to pay attention to the stories about the wolves — and one snow-white wolf in particular, who is often sighted very close to the lodge. Carson suspects that, if it exists, the white wolf is actually a trained dog (a white/white and silver Siberian Husky, for example) being used to whip up panic, but tells Nancy to keep an open mind.

As Nancy’s arriving at the Lodge, an explosion occurs in the distance, causing the rumbling of snow to start. Ollie, who’s picked up Nancy from her plane, says darkly that he’s been waiting for something like this to happen, and that this will probably cause a minor avalanche (his opinion as the head of Avalanche Patrol in the area), making it impossible to leave the lodge for a few days. He tells Nancy to head straight to bed once they get to the lodge, as she’s in for an exhausting time dealing with the “weirdos” still left at the lodge.

Nancy wakes up and Day One begins with Freddie freaking out outside Nancy’s door. After explaining that the regular chef (who was off for the last month visiting family) can’t get back to the lodge until tomorrow and that Freddie’s only manned the kitchen once or twice, Nancy says that she has experience cooking and offers to take the chef’s duties for the day.

Day One has Nancy meet all the suspects – Bill’s playing a game (I don’t care what it is as long as it’s something that involves writing things down) with anyone who passes by and talks about how out of all the lodges in Canada, this one’s his favorite; Lou hangs out near the bones (make him an archeology major or something related to but not exactly paleontology) and Definitely Doesn’t Know the Cute Girl Who Works at the Lodge, How Dare Nancy Assume; Not-Lupe is gone until 4pm when it starts getting dark because she loves spending time in nature, especially with the Super Special Wolf running around the place; and Ollie’s in the workshop fixing the things that have been sabotaged, worries about his daughter being away from her mother and about her ‘cavorting’ with a guest.

Nancy still preps lunch and the day goes on without a hitch other than Lou having an overheard argument with someone at around 6. Nancy cooks dinner, accidentally (due to smudged instructions from Freddie) sprinkling paprika in everyone’s food and setting off an allergic (mild to moderate anaphylaxis, helped by an epi pen) reaction + hives in Freddie, who they fly out via helicopter that night.

Ollie, feeling hostile towards Nancy, takes a look at the instructions/recipe that Nancy worked off of and says to her that the first page is Freddie’s handwriting, but the second page isn’t — someone did this on purpose. Nancy calls Carson, who says that the soonest he can get there is the day after next, and to keep herself safe above everything — he’ll check in with the hospital Freddie’s at since it’s also in Edmonton, where Carson and Chantal are. Carson warns Nancy that the guests were about to settle the lawsuit when the news about the explosion hit the news, and are now more determined than ever to sue for all Chantal’s worth.

Day 2 opens with the cook (who’s unseen and just exists in order to relieve Nancy of kitchen duty) arriving and a phone call from Carson asking for Chantal/Freddie if Nancy can grab the laundry bags from the guests’ rooms and that the spare key is in the register at the front (of course guarded by a puzzle — I’d even accept a mini fox and geese, as one of the big problems with that puzzle in the vanilla game is that it goes on way too long.

While snooping in the desk, Nancy finds evidence that Chantal might have been guilty of criminal neglect — a few things around the lodge are listed as “fixed” and totally safe when really they still need some maintenance — and wonders how she should tell Carson and if she should wait until she has more evidence. Before she goes out for the day, Not-Lupe mentions to Nancy “in confidence” that she overheard Lou fighting with Freddie before dinner, calling it a “lover’s quarrel”.

After lunch and talking with all the suspects again, Nancy goes to grab the laundry with the master key and snoops in everyone’s rooms, finding various clues and suspicious things: Bill’s journal detailing how Chantal is running the place into the ground and needs to be replaced, along with a few lodge magazines; Not-Lupe’s gloves with suspicious specks of things on them (Nancy takes a sample of it in a Kleenex or something); Lou’s heavy suitcase that has a case with imprints of bones in it; Ollie’s has maintenance books that also detail how to take things apart and maintenance notes that say he saw the wolf around but didn’t have his gun; Freddie’s only thing of interest is a little dinosaur pin on her dresser.

Nancy takes the opportunity to snoop in Chantal’s normal room and finds that the things that were listed in the documents in the front desk really were fixed; Ollie reported to Chantal that things that he fixed were un-fixed by the time he went back to them the next day — most of the time suffering damage as well, such as the sauna that injured the guests that are suing Chantal. Nancy calls her father with the news, and Carson says to save those documents so that he can come get them tomorrow, and to see if she can find any clues to who might have done it.

After dinner Nancy talks to Lou, who confesses that he and Freddie started dating a few days ago after meeting online last semester in a dinosaur enthusiast forum — hence his decision to come to the lodge, as Freddie said there were cool bones here. He was originally going to steal a few small ones and thought no one would notice if he replaced them with resin-cast replicas, but Freddie caught him and they had a fight which ended with Lou deciding not to steal, and Freddie saying that she could help him make replicas for him to take home and keep in his house.

Nancy asks why he’s telling her, and Lou says that Ollie seems to get along with Nancy well, and he’d like Nancy to calm Ollie down if Ollie discovers that he’s dating Freddie. Nancy asks Lou about the wolf, and Lou says that some of the stuff could be a wolf — he’s seen one around the lodge once or twice — but he hasn’t really been paying attention to anything except the bones and Freddie (who he’s looking forward to visiting once he can).

When talking with Bill, he offhandedly mentions that he used to be a handyman — the sink in his room started acting up, but he fixed it easily because he thinks that Ollie has enough to do without doing this easy fix. Bill says that this would never have happened when Chantal’s father was running the Lodge and accuses Chantal of preferring to spend long “business trips” in the city to actually paying attention to the Lodge — he says she should just live in the city and hire a manager with experience who actually cares. Nancy asks Bill about the wolf, and he says if anyone could be haunted by wolves, he’d believe it was Chantal.

Nancy, it should be noted, during her explorations around the lodge, sees a few pawprints and some chewed-on debris, but otherwise hasn’t seen the wolf in person. Just traces and tracks.

Not-Lupe and Ollie both dodge Nancy’s questions – Ollie’s busy as everything seems to be breaking at once, and snaps at Nancy that without Chantal around, he’s the only person keeping the lodge afloat, and he’d be better off without the stress of this job. When Nancy asks him about the wolf, Ollie says that the last thing they need is some idiot tourist being attacked by a wolf, and so he refuses to believe that there’s a wolf around the area.

Not-Lupe is at her normal place at the window (though there’s a chair there because no one stands all day), and when Nancy asks about the wolf, says that that’s why she’s there — she heard the rumor about the wolf and wanted to see it, but that her visit’s been very disappointing — just a junky lodge with incompetent staff and no wolves anywhere. Her hobby is visiting winter lodges, and this one just Isn’t up to snuff.

Nancy tries to pry deeper, but Not-Lupe shuts her down and goes to bed; Nancy investigates the living room as everyone leaves for bed and finds crinkled up under the couch a magazine cutout about the Premier Lodge Group, a company that owns winter lodges all over Canada and the United States, and their plans to build a group of lodges in Alberta as soon as a few “minor inconveniences” with location are solved.

The day ends with Carson calling; Nancy tells him about all the suspects (Carson confirms Lou’s story by having talked to Freddie), the magazine, Ollie wanting to quit, etc. Carson promises to do some research on Premier Lodge Group and tells Nancy to send him a picture of the stuff she found on Lupe’s gloves. Nancy does so, and that’s the end of Day 2.

Day 3 opens again with Carson’s phone call, informing Nancy that he’ll be there in the early evening — he’s having a contact of his look at the photo Nancy sent, but he’s pretty sure it won’t be good news.

Premier Lodge Group was investigated a few years ago for sabotage to their competitors but ultimately nothing came out of it, and Carson suspects that people were paid off to keep quiet about it. Carson says that he’s looked into Ollie (since Carson suspected him the most) and apparently Ollie always grouches about quitting when he’s stressed but has been there for 20 years and is as loyal as they come, so Nancy says she’ll focus on Not-Lupe and Bill — the two lodge-hoppers who seem dissatisfied with the lodge.

Both Not-Lupe and Bill are gone when Nancy gets downstairs, and Lou (who’s planning on leaving that night to go to Edmonton) says that they both got a sack lunch from the kitchen and left early in the morning to go explore outside. He tells Nancy she can borrow his snowshoes and says that they both headed out (independently) in the direction of Skookum Ridge.

When Nancy gets up to the Ridge, she spots the “wolf” — really a Siberian Husky, like Carson thought, who seems very well trained. When the dog comes up to Nancy, a gunshot ripples through the air and nearly hits the dog, who would have gone running off had Nancy not grabbed her collar and yelled not to shoot. Nancy sees Bill across the ridge and waves him over, explaining that it’s a dog, not a wolf. The dog (whose name is something way better than Isis — literally anything else would do) is suspicious of Bill at first, which convinces Nancy that it’s not Bill’s — the only suspect left is Not-Lupe.

When she tells Bill what she knows about Not-Lupe, Bill admits to having seen her before at a lodge that went out of business due to mysterious accidents, but thought it was a coincidence before digging deeper in the magazines he brought and finding Not-Lupe in the back of a small photo of Premier Lodge Administrative Staff — he was worried about keeping it safe and knowing that there would be no cleaning staff until at least the next day, crumpled it up and put it under the couch he normally sits by.

A happy, friendly dog in tow, Nancy and Bill head back to the lodge only to find Ollie and Lou standing outside looking worried. They tell Nancy that they both went outside because they heard a loud noise, only to find the door locked behind them — and every other door locked as well. After realizing that Not-Lupe wouldn’t open the doors for them, Ollie went to get an axe for the door, only to have a note appear on the door’s window that if they forced their way in, the whole Lodge would be burned to the ground in an instant.

Carson calls then, saying that he’s a few minutes away, but that his friend got back to him — Not-Lupe’s gloves were covered in residue from explosives. Bill takes Nancy’s phone and begins to fill Carson in on who they think Not-Lupe is working for and who she is. Nancy asks Lou and Ollie to hoist her up to her own window, which she keeps unlocked, and crawls in, creeping downstairs to the main room to try to find how Not-Lupe will burn the lodge and stop her.

Nancy confronts Not-Lupe, who confirms her identity as a saboteur for the Premier Lodge Group, saying that with the bad press around the lodge Chantal would have already had to sell — but she’s going to go one step further and cause an ‘incident’, blowing up the lodge with fuses hidden around its ground floor — Chantal’s father won’t spend the money to rebuild the lodge, and the only proof that is against her is the word of two American kids, an old man, and a lodge-hopper with a very incriminating diary that would be found soon enough. She tells Nancy that she can either try to catch her or try to save the lodge and runs out the back, intent on escaping as she pushes the button to arm the explosives.

Nancy yells out the window for them to catch Not-Lupe, who’s got to be headed out to the main road, tossing the cushion of the seat Lupe usually sat in so that her dog can catch her scent, then has the final timed puzzle be switching off each detonator (which would be in each of the places where the suspects usually were, with the exception of Ollie’s whose is in the front desk).

As soon as Nancy disarms them, Bill calls out to her that Carson just called — Lou and the dog tracked Lupe to the main road, and Bill called Carson to let him know. Carson’s car stops Not-Lupe (Carson brought a policeman on a hunch), and the day is saved. Premier Lodge is snagged in a major lawsuit by Chantal’s father and other lodge owners who have had the same thing happen to them, and Chantal hires Bill as co-manager to ensure there’s always someone there to manage the lodge and for his wealth of knowledge of what makes a good lodge and good experience for guests.

The game ends with Nancy writing her letter to Hannah (so that Hannah doesn’t worry about them), and with her dad’s praise for a job well done.

I realize that this is a monumental fix; it’s a brand-new game made out of the skeleton of the old one. I also realize that there are a million and one ways to re-write this game; this one takes the idea of sabotage, one of the most frequent inciting incidents in the Nancy Drew world, and just makes it a little bigger.

No terrorism required.

[faithhopedreamslove]

The 100 7x07 thoughts

Anders said that the Shepherd teaches them that winning the last war brings about the final evolution of the species. Sounds very City of Light-ish, but then who is the war with? Is it with yourself, allowing yourself to submit to that final evolution? Doesn’t seem like it, with all the weapons they have.

Following that train of thought, I think Clarke being the “key” could have something to do with technology/AI. My computer coding knowledge is a little rusty, but keys are typically considered to be super unique passcodes that can unlock high level encryption. And we know that each human being has a unique mind code per the show. So what if Clarke’s mind code is the key to unlocking the ultimate code on the Anomaly Stone? Perhaps to get them back to Earth? To the City of Light or something like it?

I’m wondering if it was really Orlando in that body bag. Anders doesn’t have a reason to lie about it (that I can tell) but I just don’t trust the man.

I LOVE Jackson doing a therapy session with Madi. Psychological trauma is not addressed nearly enough on this show. At least they’re addressing a child’s trauma if nobody else’s. The other children on this show, The 100, had to become adults way too fast.

Shidheida and Murphy - WHOA. Murphy may have lost this battle, but I have a feeling we’re going to see these two spar again. And I have a feeling Murphy will triumph next time, becoming the hero that Shidheida says he wants to be.

Ok, the Bellamy / Echo flashback. As a Bellarke fan, it was hard to watch. But as someone who loves a good story, we got a LOT out of such a short scene. Presuming this is when they kissed for the first time, we know 3 years have passed on the Ring. Three years of Bellamy grieving Clarke, before moving forward with Echo. We also learned that Echo still hasn’t really opened up to anyone during those 3 years. And that Bellamy perceives her loyalty to be her weakness. Most importantly, though, we have Echo saying that this isn’t real. As many have said, this feels strongly like foreshadowing. The question is - why doesn’t Echo think this is real? Is it because she knows Bellamy loved Clarke and still grieved her? Is it because Echo thinks that Bellamy could never love the person she is - the Azgedan spy - and once they’re back on the ground, that’s who he’ll see her as again? Or is it because Echo has lost herself so badly that she doesn’t even know who she is, so how could Bellamy love her? After all, even her name isn’t real. (This is not an anti-Echo sentiment at all - I actually like her character. This is just me trying to unpack this scene)

I think Octavia comforting Echo really showed how far O has come. Talk about major character development. I have to admit, I found Octavia calling Echo her family to be jarring, and quite honestly, sloppy writing that was going for the emotional factor. These two have never had a familial relationship. At best, they’ve barely tolerated each other. Echo has tried to kill Octavia twice. And I know O has forgiven her, but that doesn’t exactly make them family. Maybe the writers were trying to imply that Echo is like O’s sister-in-law because of Bellamy, but that relationship is nowhere near established, nor has O even really been a witness to that relationship. It made the scene fall flat for me.

Hope and Diyoza. I cried during this scene. They’ve both lost so much. They’ve lost time together. They’ve lost knowing each other. They had to catch up on 15 years in a prison cell. They’re mother and daughter, but they don’t know the important details of each other’s lives. And when Hope broke down, I did too. I have a feeling they may kill off Diyoza’s character, but I hope and pray I’m wrong. These two deserve to make up for lost time.

Emori opening up to Nelson also broke my heart. She’s trying so hard to bring peace, and she’s trying to give the Children of Gabriel the chance to know their parents. But she’s projecting her own feelings onto others, and it’s not going to end well.

Echo carving the Azgeda marks onto her face - whoa. Her character arc is fascinating. Unfortunately I don’t think she’s on the path that Bellamy and Clarke are on - to do better. Echo seems to be reverting to what she was taught - fight and survive, kill or be killed.

Cadogan being the Shepherd wasn’t really a big surprise, but this war they keep talking about sure is. Who is left in the universe for them to fight with??

And now the MOST important moment of the episode, Clarke and crew finding out that Bellamy is dead. Clarke’s face said EVERYTHING. Her breath literally froze in her lungs. She didn’t react - she couldn’t. And everyone else felt the depth of that loss in their bones, but they all turned to Clarke, because they knew she felt it in her soul.

Now let’s talk about how this scene was filmed. Gabriel looked only at Clarke when he delivered the news about Bellamy. He saw Bellamy literally breathe life back into her - he knows what they mean to each other. And then the camera slowly zooms in on Clarke’s face, showing the depth of the impact this is having on her. The others reacted to the news too, but Clarke was the focal point. It’s no coincidence that Raven’s reaction was last, and she turned to Clarke. Because just minutes prior (in their time) she had said that Clarke Griffin doesn’t break. And now they’ve encountered the one situation that can truly break her - Bellamy’s death. And Raven knows it.

I’ve read that originally Clarke was going to fall to her knees when she heard the news. JRoth’s comments aside, I personally prefer how they filmed it. Clarke is in complete and utter shock. She goes from having a small smile on her face while awaiting news that she’s about to reunite with Bellamy, to hearing the one thing she never wanted to hear. And this is, what, about two days after losing her mother? Clarke is frozen. She can’t fall to her knees - she can’t move. I am so curious to see where 7x08 picks up - I hope it will be right from this moment, so that we see how Clarke reacts once everything inside of her unfreezes and she processes fully what Gabriel is telling her. Personally, I don’t think she’s going to believe it. And I think she’s going to start demanding answers NOW.

Overall, a huge congratulations and kudos to Lindsey on her directorial debut!! This episode was suspenseful and deeply emotional, and she knocked it out of the park!

[astrologysvt]

Chart First Impressions - Vernon

For more SVT astrology posts, follow my blog! Check out my masterlist to see all the readings I’ve done so far and what I’ve got coming up! 💫

This is just a very general reading of the member’s charts — the parts that popped out to me, things I personally liked, things I thought were interesting or contrary to the image I have of them. I’m not looking at anything in particular with each reading. Some of their readings may be more aspect focused, where some may just focus solely on their personal planets and their signs. If you have any questions on specific aspects or want to request a more specific reading, feel free to send me an ask!

two aquarians down, one more to go. 

so i do feel the need to explain why i’m not here arguing why i think vernon or even dk may be either a pisces/aquarius sun.

(tho tbh if either of them were to lean towards pisces, i think it’d be vernon). 

but really for me it just comes down to the fact they feel very clearly aquarian.

with woozi, his energies were a lot more vague/muddled and harder to organize where as it’s a lot simpler and cleaner a break with these two aqua/pisces cusps. 

generally, aqua and pisces influences feel very different to me. 

for me to consider them more pisces, i would be looking for them to appear much more yielding within a group and i don’t get that sense.

i’d also be looking for a certain degree of people-pleasing, or at least a strong courtesy towards how they contribute to the room’s energy. an aqua wouldn’t be as conscientious of this. they may be aware of it, but they wont let themselves be inhibited by it. where as a pisces would be hyper aware of this and very cautious. 

not only that, but i’m not looking charts that would be void of explanation on either sign/element’s influence if they leaned either way. 

woozi had no other scorpio in his chart if his sun wasn’t in scorpio.

where as with vernon, regardless of whether he’s an aqua or pisces sun, he’s still got a strong aqua and pisces influence in his chart to begin with so his reading wouldn’t be drastically different if he turned out to be a pisces sun. 

similar with dk, where as his cancer influence in tandem with his aqua and libra would make it so the rest of his reading wouldn’t be horribly compromised. 

if either one of them were to end up being a pisces sun, my reading of them would still be very similar just reorganized.

where as with jihoon, it was an entirely different story. 

so it’s a mixture of pisces and aquas being a lot easier to differentiate than sag/scorpio, and also their charts having both influences in their other personal planets that i’m not too stressed about figuring their suns out. 

but lets focus back on vernon. 

his sun and mercury is in aqua. 

i think vernon exemplifies exactly what i expect with an aquarius — like picture perfect artsy-brand aquarius. 

his style (for one) has been so clearly created by him without any regard with what everyone else is doing. 

and i think this is an important distinction to make with aquarians. 

a lot of people like to think that aquarians like to be contrary for the sake of being contrary, and tbh i do know enough aquarians to know that sometimes that IS the case (but i dunno i think they just like messing with me) 

but i do genuinely believe that when it comes to art and their work, the stuff that they do is genuinely so unique and out there because that’s just how their mind’s work. 

for example, if you’re looking at a painting you’re generally going to focus on the focal points of them. the subject, the name of the painting, the artist, maybe context if ur interested. you’re going to take the evidence given to you to try and form a linear narrative. you’re going to focus on what you think the painter wants you to notice. 

whereas an aquarius is naturally drawn elsewhere, maybe the background. maybe they’re noticing how it looks with the other paintings around it, or how the light is hitting it. maybe their placing the painting in a wild alternative universe and creating a story around it. 

they’re less concerned with building a narrative around what the painter is trying to show, and is more concerned with finding new, uncovered things about it. 

and that’s kinda a very vague glimpse into how aquarians build these crazy alternative worlds and perspectives they live in. 

aquarians are a very progressive sign, this is certainly because they have a strong set of principles that lean very humanitarian. 

but it’s also because they simply hate whatever may threaten one’s ability to exert autonomy over themselves, their expression, and how people perceive/treat them. 

whether it’s them personally, or generally, or symbolically. 

i don’t think it’s a direct correlation (like he thinks this way because he’s an aquarian) but when he was on happy together and they were talking about how his korean was very good and he was like “i mean, i AM korean.” 

this is a very aquarian thing to want to blur the lines, and encourage people around them too approach these potentially hard to understand concepts simply and a matter-of-factly. 

(tho i think in this specific instance he was really just combating the perception that he was more foreign to the MCs than he actually was).

anyway, back to aquas being lovable weirdos. 

i like to think that the many ways aquas like to present themselves isn’t just for show/for the sake of being different. 

sometimes it certainly takes a very physical/in your face form such as with fashion, but i like to think that they dress and act the way they do because they like being in the state of opposition and friction. 

by having this imagine of themselves reflected back to them in how drastically different the other side is, that is something that both gives them excitement as well as a sense of comfort through purpose and identity. 

they like sticking out because it’s a declaration of their character. 

not only that, but they love the ease of just doing what they want without having to think or feel the weight of “what is everyone else going to think?” 

that freedom is very important to them. 

how interesting is it tho that we’ve got two aqua suns with water moons?? 

vernon’s scorpio moon is gonna be VERY different from dk’s cancer moon. 

as social as an aqua can be in concept, they can really and honestly go either way. 

either they are the popular kid whose in every extracurricular and is student council president, or they’re the kid sitting in the corner who just doodles all day in class. 

you throw in a scorpio moon and it really makes him a pretty solitary guy. 

extreme lone wolf vibes. 

he likes being by himself, and it’s partially cuz the world is loud and his mind is entertaining in and of itself, and partially him being an incredibly independent and self-sufficient person. 

he’s got the least social chart in all of seventeen, and any anti-social behaviors he may have simply come from the fact that looking outwards to others is not in his immediate logic. 

it’s not in his muscle memory. 

if he gets excited about a project, he’s probably going to lock himself up in his room and burry himself in it, as opposed to getting others involved.

“i need to get something? great i can leave right now.”

he doesn’t think to ask others if they wanna go because they aren’t a part of his immediate checklist that’s integral to his day/wellbeing. 

his energies churn inwardly, and this is also why you find him just sitting around staring into space. 

not because he doesn’t want to talk to people or doesn’t care about people, but because he’s very comfortable living in his mind and simply doesn’t care to experiment too much with his immediate effect on the world around him. 

you take someone like jun who has so much energy bubbling in him, he can’t help but start doing things just to see what will happen and how people will react. 

vernon may have a similar curiosity, but it’s much more imaginative, abstract, and isolated. he can play out those scenarios in his mind. 

and this has many facets to it: his aqua influence makes him inventive and original in his thoughts where he as absolutely no shortage of daydream material. you throw in that pisces mars that is half daydreaming all the time, and that scorpio moon that makes him very intentionally reserved/independent and you’ve got vernon. 

so vernon’s scorpio moon is everything we’ve talked about before about water moons: empathetic, intuitive, sensitive. 

i think his scorpio moon is more interesting because of the darkness that a scorpio influence implies. 

there’s a alarming depth from where his emotions rise from, which is surprising considering how chill he seems outwardly. 

when it comes to his emotions, whatever it is, he wants them unabashed and unfiltered. no shame whatsoever. 

this is due to his scorpio influence’s desire for authenticity, but also his aqua influence’s deep dislike for the superficial. 

this would make him very discerning and generally pretty good at knowing when someone is trying to manipulate him, though his pisces mars may confuse him here and there. 

he’d really be great for any deep, wild, out-there, maybe even taboo conversations you may wanna have. 

pretty much anything would be on the table.

this is because his aqua influence would be prepared to entertain anything and everything, and is equally prepared take it seriously as you do.  

while his scorpio moon isn’t particularly afraid of whatever you may bring up, and is pretty attracted to the more out-there topics. 

it’d honestly just take a lot to really freak him out, and he’s really just open/excited to entertain any random idea you may have. 

even if he reacts viscerally or even negatively, he’s still very slow to write something off. 

his scorpio moon is sextile his cap venus

this softens his chart up a little bit, may mellow out his out-there qualities and give him a greater appreciation for more classy & romantic things. 

this makes him more fluid in his interactions with people than his forthright aqua and unyielding scorpio may connote. 

wonwoo has this same aspect, too, actually. 

this would make him much more dynamic and flexible in how he expresses/receives affection. 

would certainly also make him a lot more dedicated and stable in relationships than a aqua/pisces influence may imply where normally aqua wants independence and pisces may not be as present. 

then you also have his scoprio moon trine pisces mars.

this is the aspect that really turns this chart upside down on it’s head imo. 

aqua, scorpio, cap? they sound ready to fight at the drop of the hat. 

but you have water meeting water in this trine, and this very seamless exchange of energies between emotion and action really turns him into this amazing peace-keeper because of how level-headed it makes him.

i think i remember they were talking in svt club about how vernon never gets angry, and if he gets angry it’s probably because other people are fighting and he’s like. 

“i don’t get this. why?” 

this is because he really doesn’t understand how people can get so swept by emotion that they’d start arguing with each other. 

and he feels this way because, with a harmonious aspect between moon and mars, energy flows through him incredibly smoothy and easily. 

good, bad, sad, excited. all that fun stuff flows through him and doesn’t experience much of a road block, and so with that he’s not only very familiar with the passing of these emotions, but he’s able to process and regulate them pretty easily without trying. 

this would make him that excitable, expressive, reactive vernon we know and love because the emotions just flow through him. 

but this would also mean that, because of that, he understands how to ride the waves of his emotions so that they don’t end up sweeping him in their undercurrent. 

so when people do get into these heated arguments, he struggles to understand why they’d handle it in certain ways. 

with that being said, he does have his moon square mercury which means he isn’t the BEST at communicating his thoughts on this matter. 

he wants to so badly to put everything he feels into comprehensible words and concepts because of his aqua mercury. 

but that aqua mercury may make his viewing/expression too far reaching to understand, while his scorpio moon may make his emotions hard to grasp and translate in the first place. 

at the end of the day, his way of thinking is far too intuitive and abstract to put into words. 

so, lmao, don’t invite him to mediate ur next fight. he’ll probs just confuse you both. 

but if you need someone to chill with to cool you off and calm you down? he’s great because all that water turns him into this fantastic shock-absorber, and as i said before, his aqua/scorpio means that almost anything is on the table. 

the last thing i’ll talk about is his pisces mars! 

he’s a gentle, gentle boy. 

if it wasn’t obvious enough already, there really isn’t a single angry bone in his body (that’s an exaggeration, we’re all capable of anger). 

but he has such a gentle approach to life thanks to this pisces mars, and he goes about this with such sincerity and it’s so unfiltered and out there that you can’t help but appreciate how earnest he is, no matter how weird at the same time. 

this would also turn his aquarian interest in a much more creative direction.

i know he said he can’t draw, but he has such a strong knack for creative thinking with that unique aqua and his pisces mars giving him a very fluid means of expression and deep understanding of artistic nuance. 

everything he does, even if he’s not particularly good at, will have his signature stamp because he has such a great outlet for him to express his super strong, aquarian sense of self. 

(and that, in and of itself, is an artistic feat). 

super empathetic, a lot more emotional than he lets on. 

but again, due to his moon’s harmonious aspects, even with all that deadpan and logical aqua, emotions are never ultra-abrasive to him so it’s genuinely really hard to catch an extreme emotion out of him unless he’s in a negative place generally.

he just gets emotions, and if he doesn’t understand them immediately he knows how to sit with them and live in them. 

a very healing person to be around. 

[writersstareoutwindows]

This is a story called “My boyfriend is an enabler.” He logged onto Fallen London for the first time in months just to send me Fate so that I could play the “become a serial killer” storyline. Naturally, I had to adapt that into an actual scene.

Han Mi and Helen are Kate’s cats. Han, more specifically, is a Parabolan kitten (and a gift from Flahhh!). Also important to know that between this story and the last, Kate faked her own permanent death for Cheesemonger-related reasons.

-

Kate knows that Jack-of-Smiles doesn’t really smile. But the Jack who stalks her early novels does. They’re sensational things, trope-soaked plots bound by gossip and gore, over the top by every measure—except, as one attentive reviewer noted, for the author’s depiction of Jack himself.

‘One might assume that McKnight has neglected their research, given that our stoic Jack now wears a fierce grin. But this reviewer finds their Jack to be a focal point in the midst of otherwise florid prose. Long after the convoluted plot fades from memory, Jack’s grin remains fixed in the shadows of one’s mind.’

It remains fixed in Kate’s mind too. Every Jack she ever wrote was based on one person in particular, whose vicious smile had a way of unsettling her like nothing else. Kate has never forgotten the way Vandameer Gaunt’s face turned bright with glee as they stood above a body, their cane dripping blood.

The lamp on Kate’s desk gutters. It actually startles her. She leans back, surprised by how much time has passed. The cards of the Marvellous are scattered across the desktop, grouped in various arrangements that mean very little. She stretches, sighs, adds another line to the letter buried within the mess.

Beechwood had curious ideas about the prelapsarian state of man. What have you been working on in

There’s a knock on the door.

‘Good evening, Sir-Madam McKnight.’

Kate freezes, pen suspended above the page, a chill lodged against her spine. Like a statue reanimating, she drops the pen and turns. She knows that voice, and she knows that smile. Vandameer Gaunt, already inside, has knocked on the inside of her door. They’re eating one of her currant-buns.

‘It’s been such a long time.’

Kate rubs her tired eyes. ‘I really hoped that you thought I was dead.’

‘Oh, make no mistake, I was heartbroken when I heard the news. If you wanted to be stabbed, I thought you’d at least have the decency to hire me.’ Vandameer wipes crumbs from their hands as they finish the bun. ‘And it’s been so terribly dull since you left. But that’s our Katie—’ she frowns at the name ‘—isn’t it, always moving on to bigger and better things. No matter who she leaves behind.’

Kate’s nails dig into the desktop.

‘How did you find me?’

Vandameer drapes themself across her armchair by the fire. They pluck a wine bottle from their coat and wave it toward her.

‘I come bearing gifts. Wouldn’t you like to catch up?’ They pull the cork out with their teeth. ‘And you can put the knife away, dear.’

She drops a sharpened letter opener back into the drawer with a hiss. Taking the wine from Vandameer, she sniffs it before drinking. It’s Broken Giant, prelapsarian, thick as blood. Expensive. Vandameer is here for a reason.

When she lowers the bottle, they’re holding a knife.

That grin curls wide across their face. ‘I brought my own.’

The bottle shatters. Kate’s hands close on air as wine and glass splash at her feet. The noise seems very far away.

‘How did you find that?’

It’s a scuffed, beaten thing with a wooden handle, hardly more than a kitchen knife, but the edge gleams. The last time Kate saw it, she was locking it away in the depths of a constables’ station. Only now does she notice that Vandameer is wearing gloves.

‘You know how avidly I followed all your cases. This one most of all! London’s greatest detective up against the infamous Jack-of-Smiles. What a thrill.’

They’ve begun lazily carving a pattern into her side-table.

‘That was nearly a year ago.’ Kate picks her way through the glass, away from Vandameer, away from that knife. ‘We’ve both been pretending I was dead for nine months. Why come here now?’

They adopt an air of wounded innocence. ‘I just want to see you close the case. Don’t you?’

‘I know enough about Jack-of-Smiles.’

‘But not everything.’

Kate pauses. That’s enough to get under her skin—except for the fact that it’s already there, festering like a wound, one of a hundred ugly frayed threads left untied. And she hates that Vandameer knows it. Unlike anyone else in London, they have the keen ability to push her. To the city at large, Kate McKnight is inscrutable, anonymous. But to Vandameer Gaunt she’s a funny little plaything who gets mad when they pull the right string.

They cock their head. ‘That’s what you really want, isn’t it? I don’t need a card game to tell me that.’

Kate walks back to her desk, where Han Mi has found a place among the scattered cards. She watches their conversation with round mirror-blue eyes that show Kate’s reflection.

Kate spent countless hours, resources, and sleepless nights hunting Parabola, but even the mirrored sun of another world is not enough. She’s arranged these cards into a hundred different arcane patterns, looking for the combination of faces and suits and hands that will make her win. But the only times she’s ever been satisfied were the sleepless nights spent staring at tangled red strings, the hours trekking through gloomy lost cities, the journey on a river of snakes in pursuit of the Marvellous’ heart.

Kate reaches out to pet Han’s soft ears. She used to collect her hints from the old women beneath Hangman’s Arch. Sometimes you can still find a Jack hanging there.

‘You don’t know me,’ Kate lies.

Vandameer laughs.

‘You were willing to let your true love drink herself to death, just to see what would happen.’

Kate’s fingers bunch in Han’s fur. Her kitten yowls and wriggles away, leaving her alone with the memory of the Last Constable raising cups to her lips.

Vandameer finishes carving their design and sets down the knife. The symbol makes Kate’s eyes burn.

‘You don’t fool me for a second, McKnight.’

They slide the knife across the table toward her.

‘Trust me. A knife in your hand is better than two in the back.’

They grin, that awful, blood-bright grin from every story. Kate recognises the Correspondence carved into her table: the conquest of an all-too-familiar rival.

By the time her eyes have stopped bleeding, Vandameer is gone. All that remains is the knife.

Kate has seen bodies, in alleyways and mirrored rooms and the banks of the Stolen River. She’s made bodies. She wonders, horrifically, detachedly, how it feels when Jack makes bodies. Maybe, she tells herself, if she knew, she would be able to stop him for good.

She wants to know. When it comes down to it, whose poisoned corpse will be lying on the floor of the Medusa’s Head?

Helen has emerged to paw at her legs. Kate steps around her.

When she took the Jack case nearly a year ago, the inspector warned her that they would put her down if things went wrong. A part of her had laughed; did he really think they could catch her, if she became a Jack?

How many bodies, before someone swings from Hangman’s Arch? And who will it be in the noose? She wants to know everything.

Crouched on the arm of the chair, Han watches with reproachful mirrored eyes.

Pick up the knife. Become Jack. Find out.