#that was the only time i thought of smth other than pain. bc i was Afraid.

[courtillyy]

projects actually can be fun how about that ?

[orcelito]

I wonder how mentally tortured I have to look to be let off the hook lol

[astrxealis]

amongst all my interests the struggle of being under 18 but into ff(xiv) and wanting to make friends is an absolute pain

[lizzieisright]

hey hurt/comfort idea:

soo what about the reader and abby being best friends for years and reader always had a crush on abby. they go to a party and abby introduces her new gf to u. she always liked her but thought reader didn’t (always a bit horny around reader, but they know eachother since childhood so abby mistakes readers flirting as being flirty like friends) so reader gets absolutely hartbroken, drinks till she passes out but abby takes care of her ofc. abbys gf is always with her tho so it just hurts even more.

she avoids abby till the next frat prty or smth (maybe it’s college!au) and then they hook up, abby can’t remember cause she’s too drunk and is back w her gf

very messy but i hope u get the idea :P

(also to make it more hurtful make abby mean while she’s drunk bc she’s going through a rough time but isn’t telling anyone)

It took me so long, I'm so sorry

Palestine: what can you do

I've changed a few things (they don't hook up) because I can't deal with cheating, and I couldn't decide on what ending I wanted so there's a poll in the end.

Tags: Modern AU, childhood friends, Angst, pining and unrequited love, of course.

_______________

Abby is a fucking God, and you come to this conclusion when you're 11 and she helps you with your stupid assignment.

When you're both 14 you start to understand that what you feel for her is not, in fact, an admiration. 

You come to this conclusion when you sit in her bedroom and she jokes about teaching you how to kiss because you're a loser and you agree - and yeah, the kiss is a mess, but now you both know that you want to kiss girls. And you want to kiss one girl in particular, but Abby is your best friend and you won’t do anything that will lead to losing her.

Being a God means Abby is out of your reach and you have to live with your stupid feelings.

You're jealous of every boy who jokes around her to get her attention.

You're jealous of every girl who dares to look at her a little too long.

Abby is popular and she starts dating and it breaks your heart every time, and you can't look at other people because all your gods look like Abby.

"Why don't you go on a date?" Abby asks once when you're 16 and you're eating pizza in your bedroom, watching another marvel movie. "I think Jen likes you."

"I don't want to." What would be the point if the only person you want to date won't ever look at you this way?

"Why? Don't you get horny like the rest of us mortals?"

The worst part of being in love with your popular best friend is that she recently lost her virginity and she can't shut up about sex because she is excited about it.

"I have my hand, Abby." You roll your eyes at her.

"But it feels better when the other person does it." Abby winks and puts her hand on your thigh. "It's better, isn't it?" She rubs your thigh and your breath hitches. She looks at you, playful, and goes a little up on your thigh, and your face burns.

"You belong in horny jail, Anderson." You laugh, but don't move her hand: if you move it she'll call you a chicken, but she is a chicken enough herself to not move it further.

And she doesn't.

You live your life peacefully, dealing with your feelings as best as you can.

Then college starts and you're too busy to think about Abby 24/7 and you feel like it gets easier. Like you can breathe around her and you almost don't feel pain when she talks about her sex life.

Almost.

You know it's easy to deal with because all those girls in her bed are temporary while you're in Abby's life forever, and not because your feelings suddenly fainted. Abby likes to sleep around, she is a flirt even with you - a lot, actually, she thinks she can get away with a lot by saying she is touch-starved and then her hands wander off somewhere they're not supposed to be, and you let her, because you'll take whatever you can.

So you go through Abby's fuckboy phase with ease, because sex talk is way better than feelings talk.

A few years pass and suddenly the feelings talk starts, and you're slowly dying inside, because Abby likes someone. Abby talks about how nervous she is around her, she is always on her phone texting her, she is always busy when you want to spend time with her.

You hate this girl with all you have, because she takes Abby away, she takes everything away - Abby is not touchy anymore, she only hugs you briefly when you see her, she is not listening to you half of the time, too caught up in her fantasies.

You hope her girl is a bitch and an asshole and toxic so you can talk Abby out of it, but then Abby tells you she is going to introduce you at the party and you cry yourself to sleep that night.

"How do I look?"

"Like you need Jesus." You say honestly because Abby in the muscle tee and a pair of cargo pants makes you ache.

"Yeah?" Abby looks at you through the mirror with that fucking smirk she knows you like. "Am I fuckable?"

"We both know you prefer to be on the other end of that word, Anderson." You roll your eyes and put your shoes on only to straighten up to Abby's face way too close. She looks you up and down.

"You're very fuckable though."

"Fuck off." You huff and open the door of her apartment, hoping she won't tease you for being flustered. "Let's go before Manny gets so drunk you'll have to carry him. Again."

You spent the night in dread of meeting Abby's girl, dreaming of seeing her red flags or something to have a real reason to hate her to Abby's face, but then Abby lights up and she excuses herself to go and meet her girl, while you try so hard to not throw up from your nerves.

The girl is gorgeous.

"This is (y/n)." Abby motions at you and you smile politely. "This is Mia."

"I'm so happy to meet you." Mia smiles and she looks kind and genuine and fuck, you can't hate her. There's no jealousy in her, no fake smiles, no tense body language. "Abby loves you so much."

You swallow hard.

"I put up with so much of her shit, she doesn't have a choice." You joke and Mia laughs.

Mia is funny and cute and you understand why Abby likes her, because it's impossible not to. Mia is a type of girl that you'd think of as a bitch because she is popular, therefore arrogant, but when you get to know her she is a total sweetheart who'd help you find a way to your class if she notices you're lost.

This is hard.

This is going to break you.

You can't cope with this. You can't cope with seeing Abby's gentle gaze on Mia, with her careful touch and constant care. So you excuse yourself and go to the bar to get drunk, as if you can drown your feelings by dragging them to the bottom of the bottle. You dance and you drink, you dance and you drink and repeat it five other times until all long islands make you feel sick and you can't walk by yourself anymore. You're an independent woman and you refuse to ask for help, but when you can't order a taxi for the fifth time because your eyes are so blurry, Mia comes to you and holds you by your elbow.

"We will take you home, okay?" She says kindly and you feel your lips tremble. We.

"Jus- can you c'll a taxi f'me?" You slur, but you feel Abby's hand on your waist as she supports you. "Don't wanna ruin your night."

"You're not ruining anything." Mia says cheerfully and orders a taxi when Abby gives her your address. "Happens to the best of us."

The drive home makes you super dizzy and Abby has to put her hand between your head and the car door because you hit it all the time. The moment the car stops and Abby goes around to help you get on your legs, you throw up on the ground and it's a miracle you don't get everyone's shoes dirty.

Abby decides to carry you to your place and you can't shut up even for a second.

"I'm s'sorry guys. Not a good first impression. I really like you, Mia. You look kind. Like a grandma. In a good way, I'm sorry." Mia giggles. "Your laugh is very cute. It's cute, right Abby?"

"Yeah." Abby agrees quietly and what you don't know is that for her your drunken rant was way cuter than her girlfriend's laugh.

"Yeah. You look great together, I'm s'happy for you Abby. Haven't seen her that nervous because of a girl in years, can you imagine, Mia? You make this asshole nervous." You're chuckling sadly, you want to cry because you don't make Abby nervous.

No, you just embarrass her in front of her girlfriend because you're so pathetically in love you can't deal with it and drink half of the bar until you forget how to walk on your own.

Abby helps you change and Mia gives you water. She makes sure there is fresh air in your room and she tucks your blanket, and you close your eyes to hide your tears because Mia is so nice. She is a dream girl and Abby is so happy and there is no space for you anymore.

Because Mia took your place in that forever equation.

On the next day you text your apologies to both Abby and Mia (she followed you on instagram and asked you how you felt) and you can't deal with this. It hurts so much because you love Abby so much and you want her to be happy but it seems like the price of it is going to be your heart.

So you start avoiding her as best as possible, and what is more sad - it's not even that hard. Abby is always with Mia, fuck, Mia even asks you to come with them to hang out, which you always find an excuse not to. Library, fever, other plans, other plans again, sorry, paper is due tomorrow, my aunt is in town (she is not). Anything to not meet with them.

You still see Abby during classes and you give each other life updates, but it's been weeks since you actually hung out and you accept the reality that yes, there's no place for you in Abby's life anymore.

You cry every fucking night.

Then Abby suddenly remembers you exist and she asks you if you want to hang out, just the two of you, because she misses you. You miss her too and you agree.

You regret it the moment she cuddles you in front of her tv. She has a girlfriend now, why is she so touchy again? Did something happen with Mia that Abby came to you?

"Is everything okay with Mia?"

"Yeah, she is great." Abby says and buries her nose in your neck.

No. You can't deal with this.

So you start avoiding Abby at all costs after this - you can't shake the feeling that this is cheating, because for you Abby's touch has never been platonic, no. And it never felt platonic either, it was always giving you hope because Abby was flirting and touching the way friends don't touch each other. Maybe one day she'd finally give you a chance, you thought, but this day never came.

It is another party a month and half later - yay, Abby and Mia have been together for two months now! - and you don't know if Abby is going to come, but you hope she doesn't. You know she knows something is up and she will want her answers if she meets you.

But you have fun. You play games, you drink, you dance, you get flirted with and you forget about your pain just to get so drunk again you can't help but go outside to find a place to cry in peace.

You miss Abby, you miss her because she is a part of you and yes, you're in love with her, but she also your best fucking friend and you hate yourself for being in love with her, because it ruins your life. It has been ruining your life since you were fourteen and actually understood what you felt, but now it was getting serious.

"(Y/n)?"

Fuck.

You wipe your tears and look at Abby who is standing right in front of you.

"Hi." You squeak and she drops on the knees to look at you.

"Did something happen? Why are you crying?"

"I'm just sad. Don't worry." You try to smile but Abby's frown makes you cry more. "I'm going home anyway, so you can enjoy the party."

"What the hell are you saying? I'm not leaving you."

She should. She should leave you and not complicate it further.

Abby calls a taxi and you chuckle in your head - If you had a nickel for every time Abby was taking your drunk ass home, you'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

You tell her as much because the meme is funny and you try to be positive.

Abby helps you out of the car and this time you don't throw up.

"You know, last time I totally embarrassed myself in front of Mia." You chuckle and make your way upstairs with Abby's arm around your waist. "She is cute, I'm so happy for you."

Abby chuckles and leads you inside your apartment, but between the two of you she is mostly sober and she has some questions, and she wants her answers. You know this too, so when you sit on your sofa you feel like all your shields are crumbling: you’re giving up on hiding this from her. If this is the end, so be it.

"You've been avoiding me." Abby says quietly, looking you in your eyes like she is just a little bit mad. 

"Yeah, I know." You admit with a chuckle. "You have a girlfriend now, it's so cool. When was the last time you liked someone like that? Back in school?"

"So you've been avoiding me on purpose." 

"I don't think you can avoid someone accidentally, Abby.” You say, not holding back your venom. “Anyway, I’m so happy for you.”

“Why are you avoiding me?” Abby moves closer to you  and you swallow your tears because there’s nowhere to run.

“Because it’s easier.” You shrug. “I just want you to be happy, okay? Does Mia make you happy?”

“Yeah.” Abby admits and you start crying again: it hurts so fucking much. 

“Good. It’s good. I’m happy for you.” You sniffle and Abby huffs, annoyed.

“Stop saying that. Stop avoiding my questions.”

Inside you all hell breaks loose.

“I love you, okay?” You finally burst. “I love you, and it hurts so fucking bad and I can’t fucking see you with her or know that you’re with her! What do you want me to do? What would you do if you were me? I can’t- I can’t-” You throw your hands desperately and bite your lip, too angry with this whole situation.

“I love you too.” Abby says, confused.

“No, no Abby, you don’t understand.” You’re quiet and angry, almost spitting every word out. “I’m in love with you. I’m not jealous as a friend, Abby. I’m jealous because I want to be in her place, okay? Fuck, I wanted to be in your every girl’s place since you started dating girls!” 

There is silence. You thought it would be terrifying - this silence - but right now you feel nothing except how dizzy your head is. You feel empty and there's no tears anymore. Abby stares at you in shock, her fists clenched, and you chuckle cynically. 

“So can I continue avoiding you now or should I suffer more?”

“Fuck, (y/n)..” Abby sighs and rubs her forehead, going over her face with her palm. “Fuck. Don't do this to me.”

“Well.” You huff, annoyed. “Not like I have a fucking choice, Anderson.”

Abby throws her head back and stares at the ceiling while you do the same, trying to keep your drunk ass stable. You feel like eternity passes before Abby speaks again, and it is strangely comforting, having your best friend here with you, in this boat of pain, and sharing it with her. 

“All these years. All these years we could have been together.” Abby sounds like she is mourning. 

You thought your heart broke when you met Mia? Forget it, it's broken now.

You sob, howl almost, and Abby is suddenly holding you in her arms, placing kisses to your hair. Her heart can't handle seeing you cry, never could - yes, she tried to move on with Mia, and it worked partially, but all her effort went to shit just now. You're the most precious girl to her and nothing can change it. Abby swallows and braces herself, suddenly making a decision in her head, all her anxiety about what is a right thing to do gone. 

“You know what? Fuck it. Fuck all that time we've missed. I'm not letting you go now.” Abby says in your ear and you sob even more violently. “Come on, baby, I'm here. Let me see your face.”

You can't believe it. You can't even process it: is it your drunken dream? Are you hallucinating? It would definitely not be the first time. But you look up at Abby and she gently wipes your tears and there’s so much love and hurt in her eyes it’s hard not to break into another sobbing fit. 

“I've been in love with you since we were seventeen.” Abby smiles at you and you shakily smile back. “I’m sorry it came to this. But I'm here now.”

“I love you.” You say feverishly and Abby's restraint breaks.

She kisses you hungrily, practically devouring you, and you're weak, so you return her kiss and press into her, soaking in her warmth and strength. Abby is solid and tender, she holds you like she cares and you cling to her for a moment.

But then you remember yourself and push Abby away, shaking your head.

“No. You're better than this. You're not going to betray Mia like this. I'm not going to let you, Abby. We're not doing this,” You motion between yourself and her. “Behind your girlfriend's back. And I'm also fucking drunk.”

Abby chuckles and kisses your forehead. 

“Come on, I'll help you get into your bed.”

Everything else after is a blur as Abby helps you change and covers you with your blanket, and you fall asleep. You can't wait for the morning to come.

****

[yan-lorkai]

Self aware Floyd and/or Jade with a reader who falls in love with someone that cosplays them hehehe i can imagine Floyd being like 'Shrimpy, why are you fawning over a cheap version of me >:(' or smth similar (i'm not very good at imitating Floyd's speak partner tho it's obvious)

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ A/n: Lowkey, I read this rq wrong the first time. I thought it said "cosplayer darling" and I was about to start writing it when I reread the request agaun lololol. Also big mood, as the cosplayer friend, I have this friend who always begged me to cosplay this or that character lol. Btw I added Azul bcs I lkve this cute octopus <3. @kiraiyugen

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Warnings: Yandere content, implied killing, kidnapping and punishment, gn!reader

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ A cosplayer. At first, he wasn't sure what that meant, but after a quick search... You're in love with a cheaper, poorly made version of him, darling? You settled for that? The thought is unthinkable, really. Perhaps as soon as he leaves this awful world that separate you both, he'll show you how much better he is than this boyfriend of yours. He is so much better that he can even soothe you with a few words after your boyfriend suddenly disappeared. Let's just hope you don't go digging for him and forget him quickly, Jade would hate he would not to kidnap you and take you to his home.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Floyd is enraged from day one. He's always been here for you and now you betray him like this? With this copy of him? That copy isn't even good, in his opinion. So he decided two things, while he laid awake in his bed, first: he'll kill your boyfriend in the most painful way as soon as he founds a way to go to your world. And two: he will cherish you, love and care for you, after he ounish you, that is, for betraying him like that, for choosing someone who looked like him, yet didn't know how to act like him, didn't know how to think and speak like him. It was insulting to watch you fawn over your boyfriend while you played twst. And he will make you regret that.

.⁠｡⁠*⁠♡ Azul... He doesn't know what to think. For a side, he doesn't like to be impersoned, you could have him, the real him, all for yourself, since his heart and soul are already yours for the taking. On the other side, for you, he is only a character, your favorite character that you spend so much time fawning over, kissing and petting and talking to. And he loves to know you love this much. But he is greedy and he wants more. And for that, your boyfriend has to go. Azul plans and plot till he learn a way to get to your world. And when that happens; it's game over for you, for he knows the way you think and had already made a dozen plans for each possibility.

[meowuff]

This is my first actual post on Tumblr ever so pls bear with me. Also, English is not my first language so pls excuse any mistakes I make :)

So, this whole thing here started just as a joke bc I was curious if anyone else was feeling constantly tired all day no matter how long I sleep. But it all somehow escalated a bit and I may have started hyperfixating on it so well, now it actually became a little survey.

I also wanted to mention that I only asked the artist in my little Tumblr bubble, which is mostly tmnt content, so my results are mostly referring to tmnt artists.

In total, I asked 143 people if they could remember the last time they woke up and just felt actually rested for more than half of the day.

I probably could have been more specific with my question but again, I did not actually planned to let it become so big. Personally, for me being rested means, having a clear head, no headache or foggy mind without consuming any caffeine.

So out of 143 people, 100 answered me and I tried my best to sort all of the answers after the criteria “good-sleep-schedule” and “bad-sleep-schedule” and also noted when exactly they last felt actually rested into either the last days, weeks, months, years or “???” when they couldn’t remember or didn’t mention anything specific.

And let’s just say… it does not really look good. Out of 100 people, only 18 have an actual good sleep schedule. Out of these 18 people, 13 felt really rested in the last days, 2 in the last weeks, only one person in the last months and 2 in the last years.

Out of the 82 of people who have a bad sleep schedule, 10% lastly felt rested in the last days, 11% in the last weeks, 11% in the last months, 30% in the last years, and 38% couldn’t remember or didn’t specify it.

While reading all your answers I came to realize being sleep deprived is not just bc any of them thought “Oh it would be really neat to stay up till 4 am!” or smth like that.

A lot of the artists who answered me mentioned that they have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep due to stuff like insomnia, chronic pain, other issues, or children (yeah, ok, there was just one who had a child but still).

While analyzing I mostly referred the situations to my own experience with going to sleep or rather not going to sleep...

I usually don’t have problems falling asleep but trouble actually putting my stuff away and going to bed bc I don’t want to end the day or just don’t want to go to sleep (don’t ask why, I have no idea why I am like this). While having these “episodes” I often doodle smth, binge reading some fanfics, or watch whatever I can find on the internet until I’m just falling asleep or can convince myself that it is 3 am and I really should go to bed now.

So, my personal theory about why sleep deprivation is so common among Tumblr artists is not bc they do art all night. My theory is that a lot of people who have trouble falling asleep due to insomnia, pain, or other issues are filling the time until they hopefully fall asleep with their art, doodles, writings, or whatever their creative minds can bring up, to help the time pass.

In total that would mean that not all artists are sleep deprived but more that a lot of people who have trouble falling asleep do a lot of art or creative stuff in general.

Something I could also imagine is, that if they start doing art while waiting for sleep, they start to concentrate a lot on creating more and start procrastinating sleep even if they actually get tired bc they wanna do art and fuck up their non-existing sleep schedule even more but that could also just be me projecting here.

I know that is probably no kind of big revelation but for me it was kind of surprising to see how many people here are as sleep deprived as me and due to what reasons.

I’m not going to preach to any of you to get that problem solved or smth, I have no right to tell you what to do and would be a major hypocrite so instead I really which everyone to get some kind of good sleep schedule one day and the joy of waking up and feeling completely rested at least thrice per week.

I absolutely love all your art and thank you a thousand times for helping me with this spontaneous survey!

I would love to hear your opinions on my theory and conclusion so pls don’t be shy and feel free to point out any mistakes I may have made or tell me your own theories :D

Also, if my question is still sitting in your inbox, feel free to answer! I’m gonna keep ma big ass excel table so I can edit all the results anytime. And maybe, one day, I'm gonna continue this survey and go into more detail but for now I need to leave it like this.

Ok, that's all I got

BYE!

Thanks to all participants

@abbeyofcyn @angelpuns @beannary @bulbabutt @camilieroart @cementgeek @cheesyescapade @cokowiii @easterartist @frosteaart @gemini-forest @happyfoxx-art @heckitall @hellishgayliath @holy-sweetsour-milk @icepopcider @idiot-mushroom @iscreamkitty @kovalitics @laseralligator @lieutenantbiscute @matchstique @mightyanxiety @miiukkaa @mr-doodles @pezhead @probably-not-a-rutabaga @pumpkster @sad-leon @sassatello @sewercrocodileart @sheep-turtles-and-pizza @signanothername @spectra-bear @stephuart @tangledinink @tapakah0 @tasenwiththerobots @tblsomedoodles @thegunnsara @triona-tribblescore @turrondeluxe @valen-timez @vangh17a @wraenata @zinovi768 @debb987 @dianagj-art @goatedgreen @indieyuugure

[onmyo-jin]

38 they're running out of time

ZYC/ZYZ/WX

I want more about their on point gay throuple dynamic. I was tempted by 7 to shut them up bc ZYZ's mouth gets him in trouble but ultimately I'm an angst person 😅 who's kissing who everyone kissing everyone whatever works i just like their dynamic 😩

No big deal tho if the throuple dynamic isn't smth that inspires you!!

OKAY SO I wasn't going to because I couldn't handle writing more pain along the lines of what the show gave us... except. Except I thought: what if I took the prompt literally, and made a modern AU? and then this happened

Zhou Yichen is usually the first to wake up, without even needing to set an alarm (or twenty) on his phone. Wen Xiao and Zhao Yuanzhou have something of a competition going to see who can sleep in the longest without being late for work. They seem to have a similarly foolish competition going to see who can stay up the latest. Neither of them seems to be winning, although both of them would surely object if Zhuo Yichen said that out loud.

Yichen isn't sure which of these 'competitions' is worse, but as long as they let him get his required eight hours of what zhao Yuanzhou calls 'his beauty sleep' he will leave them to their madness. Zhao Yuanzhou would also say the beauty sleep is working, and that his Zhuo-daren is looking particularly beautiful this day. Then he'd pout and tilt his head towards Zhuo Yichen until he condescends to kiss the idiot. Really, who calls people 'daren' in this day and age? You can tell studying history does weird things to people just from that.

Today starts just horribly, despite Zhuo Yichen's eight hours of sleep. It is pleasantly light outside when Zhuo Yichen wakes. The sun is shining down brightly, valiantly trying to warm the fresh snow in a way that spells 'icy' rather than 'melting'. Their giant bed (Zhao Yuanzhou insists on calling it a nest) is empty, for once leaving Yichen enough space to stretch. Usually when Zhuo Yichen wakes he has to carefully untangle himself from two sets of limbs. The only reason he manages that is because they usually attach themselves onto each other, allowing him to escape to freedom. Usually when Zhuo Yichen wakes, it is still dark outside.

For a moment he closes his eyes, hoping in vain that this is just a bad dream. When he opens his eyes again the sun is still brightly announcing his tardiness to the world, and neither of his spouses has appeared beside him. Zhuo Yichen grabs his phone from the headboard and sees the worst: he is, in fact, running late.

Well. Late by his own standards. By Zhao Yuanzhou's standards he'd be perfectly on time, because university professors get to make their own rules, or something. By Wen Xiao's standards this might still count as late, if only for the time wasted while not researching her latest creature obsessions. Zhuo Yichen forgets what the tardigrade of the day was called that she is studying just now.

Unfortunately large security companies do not run themselves, and being the CEO does not absolve him from normal business hours regardless of what certain university types may claim.

Zhuo Yichen forces himself to stop staring at the inevitability that is the hour and forces himself to move. The room is still night-cold and he breaks out in goosebumps before he can take two steps from the lovely warm bed. He longs for his usual shower, but considering the time it will have to wait until the evening. Zhuo Yichen quickly grabs some clothes– the advantage of wearing 'boring' colours (source: Zhao Y., Wen X., et al.) is he doesn't have to think about what to wear.

He is still combing his hair into some semblance of order when he steps into the living room, and freezes. Wen Xiao has fallen asleep at the dining table, half a library of books surrounding her and her now-dead laptop. There is a blanket draped over her shoulders, and a certain fiend snoring in the one chair that affords a good view of the dining table (and Wen Xiao). Judging by the blanket it would seem that Zhao Yuanzhou won their latest round of 'who can stay up the latest'. 

On his way past he makes sure to kick Zhao Yuanzhou's chair. The man jolts awake annoyingly gracefully, and blinks owlishly at the room for several seconds while Yichen stalks on into the kitchen to get his coffee. He doesn't like skipping breakfast, but if he also skips coffee he may murder someone in traffic before he ever gets to the office. He sets the coffee machine for a triple espresso and decides to raid the fridge for something quick and portable while it works its magic. He turns around, and runs bodily into Zhao Yuanzhou, who has materialized behind him. The great demon wraps his arms around Zhuo Yichen, presses a noisy kiss to his cheek and then searches Zhuo Yichen's face: "What was that for, hm? What have I done wrong now?"

Zhuo Yichen pouts, and looks away from those omniscient eyes to hide his embarrassment. He had no reason to wake Da Yao, not really. It's just… "I don't like waking up alone. The bed is too big." It sounds petulant. It is petulant. It's also more honest than he wanted to be, but that's what people get for asking questions before he's had his coffee.

"Ah, Xiao Zhuo, I'm sorry! I didn't want to wake Wen Xiao, and then I didn't want to wake you, and it was so late and the chair was so comfortable…" Zhao Yuanzhou's wide eyes and convincingly innocent face no longer fool Zhuo Yichen. "Will you forgive this one?" Or at least: they no longer fool him most of the time. This time he will blame the coffee.

He wraps an arm around Zhao Yuanzhou, and presses a kiss to his jaw. "Fine. This once, you are forgiven. Now let me get some breakfast before I have to run, please?"

"Run? Is today a gym day? Please tell me I'm not missing a gym day??" Zhao Yuanzhou is not a sports type. He is the effortlessly skinny but eats for three type. He only cares about gym days because he enjoys seeing Zhuo Yichen sweaty and tired– and enjoys giving him massages (and more) after he returns from the gym pleased and exhausted.

"Today is an I'm running late day," Yichen pulls a grimace. He manages to unstick Yuanzhou far enough that he can reach the fridge, and looks at the appallingly empty state of it. That's what happens when one of your best friends is a professional chef who enjoys feeding his friends. There are more drinks and sauces than edible things in the fridge. Accepting a bad morning and an early lunch, Zhuo Yichen gives up on the fridge and returns to his coffee– only to have a banana waved in his face.

Wen Xiao is still sporting her blanket, her hair in a messy bun and her blouse irrevocably wrinkled from sleep. She also looks very smug. "Take this for breakfast, you terrible early riser."

No banana has ever looked better, so Zhuo Yichen has to kiss her about it. Their lips meet first with enthusiasm, then with lack-of-sleep languor, until she presses the banana against his chest. "Don't make me want to keep you in bed Xiao Zhuo."

"Thanks, Wen-jie," he says to the one who saved his morning.

Zhao Yuanzhou has decided to be helpful (a suspicious occurrence), and hands him his mug of espresso. "What if we did keep him here today," he leers. He does not act on this threat (promise?) but for old times' sake Zhuo Yichen will act offended. It does sound rather tempting, but even a lack of coffee cannot make him that honest. Just in case, he downs his coffee first.

"You will not, you demon," he scoffs. It is a nickname more than an insult by now, in in-joke from back when Zhuo Yichen was convinced he was somehow cursed or haunted or both by Zhao Yuanzhou. The man seemed to be able to follow him anywhere, appearing at the most inconvenient times. The truth, he has since learned, is that his own schedule is perhaps a little bit predictable.

"Very well," his demon heaves a very put-upon sigh, and wraps an arm around Wen Xiao instead. "We shall release you for today." Wen Xiao is nodding along, and suddenly they're all laughing. It takes several minutes for the laughter to fade and for Zhuo Yichen to catch his breath.

"Go on then, off with you," Wen Xiao chides gently, her eyes sparkling up at him. "We'll join you in bed tonight–" "–If not necessarily for sleeping," Zhao Yuanzhou adds cheerfully, earning an elbow in his ribs from Wen Xiao. She reaches out for Yichen, and he lets his hand be captured. She pulls him into another kiss, this one less languid and filled with much more promises. When she breaks the kiss he does not get to catch his breath: Zhao Yuanzhou is there immediately to steal the rest of his oxygen, his kiss fiery and his teeth nipping at Zhuo Yichen's lips, begging, demanding entry. Yichen does not see what happens, but he suspects another elbow has met Zhao Yuanzhou's ribs when he abruptly breaks the kiss.

"See you tonight, Xiao Zhuo," they promise, and Zhuo Yichen knows today will pass entirely too slowly until he makes it back home.

[ghostiiess]

[NSB HEADCANONS] - them taking care of you when you’re pregnant!

synopsis: title says it all!

warnings: mention of morning sickness, vomiting, pregnancy stuff… some mistakes here and there

type: fluff

members: everyone

wc: around 200 by members? i think? so around 1.4K

not feeling 100% great atm, so im sorry if theres mistakes :((

reblogs and likes are very appreciated!

OLIVER MOY - the one who would support you by doing the tasks / giving you compliments during that period

The sweetest man

He would literally be the best dad, fr

LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN HIM WITH KIDS??? (Talking abt the members rn 🤣)

He would do all the tasks for you

And compliment you!

Oli would make sure that you eat food and drink your water

« And here’s for you, my love!!! Your favorite pasta! »

he would be soooo supportive 🥹

« Hey baby, I’ll take care of it! Go rest yourself, alright? »

« c’mon my love. Go take a break, I’ll do the chores! »

He’s literally the man we all wish we had in our life

« You look so beautiful with that baby dump »

« our baby will be so pretty »

« Do you think they will have my eyes or yours? Gosh, i hope they will have yours.. yours are so pretty »

OLIVER MOY, STOP BEING SO DAMN CUTE LIKE???

He would literally be the cutest man alive during this time (as if he wasnt enough sweet like that)

like tell me if im wrong (im not)

(Others members under the cut!)

SEBASTIAN MOY - the one who would try to make you laugh / smile

Listen…

This man would try to make the time less crampy

less painful too

Remember the video where he took the pregnancy test? He was screaming.

He knows you’re strong enough, and everything… but he hates seeing you in pain (even though its normal since ur literally pregnant lol)

So, obvs since he know it hurts, he would try to make the time less hard for you :( bc he know that the test and the pregnancy state is two completely different things

he took the pregnancy test and it hurted him so bad... he can't imagine it must be for you

But if he can make the time less painful by making you laugh / smile, he would do it

This man would buy flowers.

I just see him walking in ur house and being like « hey, here’s flowers for the future mommy »

Also, he would try to crack jokes here and there

Pregnancy jokes, even!

« Why did the pregnant woman go on a picnic? Because she was craving a little something extra! »

thank you seb for this joke 😐

He would also bring your favorite food / drinks 🥤

He would search them on google and he would be so proud

"im gonna be the funny one in this family"

He’s the energetic member of the group, but for you, he would try to rest and not move too much 🥲 like this man would, surprisingly, be calm (only for you, babe)

Seb would be such a good supporter too, although affirmations is not his first love language, he would be super cute. i promise you :)

RYAN NGUYEN - the one who would help you with ur cravings / the one who try to make you relax

He would judge you so bad for ur cravings

But he would buy them for you

Why? Bc even though he thinks its weird, he knows it could make u happy and make you smile

And him seeing your smile can easily make his day 😚

« babe, i love you with all my heart, i truly do, but… why are you putting bananas in apple sauce and yogourt…? »

But he loves you! (sometimes hes giving you a side eye)

Also… he would literally take care of everything

A bit like Oliver would do :)

« Babe, don’t worry abt it! I can take care of it »

« Need help? Alright, wait a sec »

He would quit his game for you in like 0.3844843 sec

« What the fuck just happened?!?!- baby? Need help? Yeah, one sec… alright boys, im heading out » (he would say smth like that)

« Go relax, my love. I can do it »

« Baby… stop overworking yourself! I know you can do it, but i want you to relax… you’ve been working all day »

Also, even thought it doesn’t look like it, he would be super supportive

He’s just more an ‘actions’ than a ‘word’ kind of person

JUSTIN PHAN - the one who would send you voices messages during your day to make sure ur taking care of urself and not overworking / help you with your morning sickness

Justin would be the type to grab his phone during a really important moment and just text you / give u voice messages

Although he know u love helping around in the house and doing ur tasks, he make sure that you don’t get overworked

« Hey baby, im with the boys at the store… do u need anything at the store? »

This man’s would also help you during the morning sickness

He just want the best for you 😁

Jp look like the person who knows when there’s a problem without you having to say it

« Hey baby, is everything okay? »

Like idk why but he look like the type that would read faces lol

he has this gut feeling, what can i say?

« Hold on, drink that glass of water, okay? Deep breath, baby… »

« Yeah, just like that »

If he see you vomiting, he would take ur hair up and pat ur back

« it’s okay baby, let it all out, everything's gonna be fine»

«  if anything happen, wake me up alright? I want to be there for you »

Like for sure, seeing vomit is not the most aesthetic thing he saw, but he knows that it’s normal

KANE RATAN - the one who would massage you and listen to you

this man would be so cute.

I literally said that to everyone 💀 but it’s true

We all know how kane give good massages

This man know what he’s doing!

He probably took massages classes when he was younger, bc this man would give u the best massage ever

« come here, i will give you a lil’ massage, baby… let me knock out the stress away! »

Also, during the massage…

He would literally let you talk about your pregnancy, how the cramps are, how is it… or just random stuff haha

In others words: let you vent abt what ur going through during that time, because he knows its not always easy

« Tell me if it hurt, okay? I don’t want to hurt you »

Also, i feel he would be the type to ask this question:

« Do you think we’ll have a girl or a boy? »

« if im being honest, i don’t really mind if its a girl or a boy… as long as they’re happy, im happy »

« Do you think we could play anime music? Do you think it would make them a fan of AOT? Or we could play one piece!! omg baby, do you think they would like aot or one piece more? »

Not Kane wanting to make ur future baby (not even borned yet lol) a fan of AOT… such a relaxing and childish anime, wow!!!

DARREN LIANG - the one who would cook for you and kiss ur cramps away

We all know how Darren is a great cook

So I’m sure he would love to cook for you :)

« hey babe, i just cooked ur favorite meal! »

Isn’t he so cute? 🥹

The con is that he would judge your cravings.. like Ryan.

BUTTTTT he know it can make you happy, so he would obviously make them for you if it can make you happy!

Also, he would kiss your cramps away

To me, he looks like such a sweetheart when it come to pain or smth like that

« Hey baby, are you okay? »

« Do you want me to help you? »

A bit like Kane, dar’ would give you a little massage

« You’re so cute baby »

And he would kiss you 🤭 bc it’s Darren we’re talking abt!

also, if ur in the mood... its ur lucky day!! bc this man's always in the mood!

« Are you feeling a bit better? »

« Come and rest next to me, alright? »

He’s such a sweetheart, woah

REGIE MACALINO - the one who would go shopping with you for baby clothes / decorations

He would be the best dad ever, no joke

He would buy soooo many decorations and clothes, like we all know how regie has style, like there’s absolutely no way his son / daughter won’t have style too

And even if regie says « i put whatever i want » like okay maybe he do, but like it is styled in a way that i can’t explain lmaooo

I’m sorry, he just seem to be the type to search a bit in store, then on pinterest to see what would look good lol 🫢

I’m sure regie would be the type to search on Pinterest some baby decorations

Btw, your baby's room would be sooo messy, im so sorry

Regie would only look for cool bedsheets and fun decorations, but not for organizer bc have you seen his room?? Guys, it’s a bit messy im sorry

So regie wouldn’t be the type to buy organizer, BUTTTTTT he would make sure to let (try) the piece clean with his kid if it can make you happy

Regie seems tough, but he’s indeed a big sweetheart

He has sm love for us the star (his fan) so imagine for his kid-

He would be the cutest dad ever, like I’m sure regie would be there for his kid in all the ways he can

He would take care of you so so much too

He would be like Oliver haha

Sing for you, make you food, do the tasks (look how gentleman he is)… also, he would def make the baby like him more.. im sorry

taglist! (open! send an ask if you’d like to be added) : @nsb-rkive @kentisbaby @firebenderwolf @hyuneee0 @yawnzzznnn @ghostyycat7

Olegie has my heart 🤭

100% recommand this man!

Bold can’t be tagged.

[pentagonieslut]

DKB REACTS: "can you cockwarm me?"

cockwarming, cursing, slight sex, slight 's' (sadism) lune cause its my fave (i want him to be s with me so mf bad), mostly g/n except for lune (mentioning of VS), harry june(mentioning of stuffing reader full in both holes) n junseo, slight (my very evident) size kink with junseo bc it's all you need, slight voyeur with dongil n junseo, jealous harry (aggressively bites lip), harry's is probs the longest because its also love and deepspace based, mention of messy sex, gona popping off, evident desire to have sylus ruin me, i'm sorry i'm being honest, it's hard hours, i just want to ride sylus's thigh once, harry's thigh too, can't forget heechan's, i'm very much in love at the thought of sylus being a dilf, this isn't even about DKB anymore, if DKB were love and deepspace characters i would be pregnant, i'm sorry once again

okay, i lied..i'm posting it early.. enjoy cuties!! it's been a while huh (i've been playing love and deepspace and moved again)? well this time, i'm back and going nowhere (sylus ladsp drabble soon cause i'm delulu)! i hope you enjoy the reaction and i actually didn't even mean to make it this long but i'm lowkey a whore and the thought of sylus makes me just mm.. uh anyway, my requests are always open so don't hesitate to even ask smth even if i'm slow at publishing my writings because of my pickiness..ahem also if you wanna talk like about random things or wtvr my blogs are always open lol (ldsp ID below if you wanna add me). also happy comeback!!

HUNTER ID: 82000027511 | lv. 48 | kaina kaiser-ryu

changmin (echan):

changmin was working on a song and he sighed for the umpteenth time. looking up from your phone, you smiled at him as he turned in his chair to face you. "come take a break and relax, it's not good to work all stressed." you said as he nodded and walked over to sit on the couch next to you. putting down your phone, you turned to massage his shoulders as he visibly relaxed and moaned at the feeling. chuckling softly, you grinned. "someone's going to need some good care tonight, hm?" changmin nodded his head as he leaned back against you. "baby, I have a question."

stopping your massage, you raised a brow and looked at changmin who only cleared his throat. "can you cockwarm me?" laughing and nodding your head you smirked. "yeah, of course I can. let's do it right now."

changmin had grinned and unbuckled his belt, yanking you onto his lap and watching as your face flickered in pain, him not even giving you a chance to prepare yourself as you leaned towards him with a soft hiss. "you've just been waiting to fuck me.."

changmin only smirked and his hands gripped your hips tightly.

dongil (D1):

dongil was busy laughing and chatting it up with his frat brothers as they talked about the soccer game they had watched. you had appeared at the right time as the boys all decided to play FIFA and dongil hugged you tightly with a grin. "I'm glad you made it." laughing, you grinned as you kissed his cheek and walked past him, going to greet the others. "I wouldn't miss your loss to minjae whatsoever."

dongil rolled his eyes as he placed you in his lap, focusing on his game as you quite obviously joined the others in cheering for minjae. "I'm your boyfriend, hello?" dongil said with a slight pout as you laughed and ruffled his hair. "yeah but minjae deserves the love more than you do." you said with a grin as everyone expected, the match ended in minjae's victory.

taking the controller from dongil with a grin and shifting in his lap to get comfortable, you winked at him and focused on the tv, your match against minjae starting. "watch how the queen/king does it." you said as dongil watched you play against minjae, moving around in his lap as the match became more and more intense, everyone's cheers becoming louder with each second.

grabbing your hips as minjae called for a pause and everyone went to get snacks or take a piss, dongil pulled you against his chest and spoke in your ear in a low voice. "can you please stop moving?" smirking, you felt his boner against your thigh and shook your head. "no can do. can you wait until later?" you asked as dongil groaned. "I'm not going to be able to wait..can you just cockwarm me?" nodding your head with a grin you laughed. "anything to keep you satiated." you said as he quickly lowered his pants and lowered yours, placing you back onto his lap as you swallowed your moan and him biting his lip to silently choke on his, feeling you tighten around him as the game resumed once minjae came back and dongil gripped the couch for the sake of his sanity.

gwanghyun (GK):

gwanghyun was bored and seeing your collarbone with the hickey he had given you a few days before exposed had made him swallow as he remembered that night, how he had let his anger and possessiveness take over, leaving you a sticky mess.

"sweetheart." gwanghyun called as you turned to look at him, your sweater falling down your shoulder again as gwanghyun swallowed back the groan that was on the edge of his lips. "yes, gwanghyun?" you asked as he looked at you and swallowed his groan again. "l-lift your sweater up, it's falling down.." he said as you lifted your sweater up, smiling at him as you turned to focus back on the puzzle you were doing.

you jumped at feeling gwanghyun's arms wrap around your waist, his face buried in your neck as he groaned softly and looked at you. "sweetheart, I know your legs hurt from the other day and I'm sorry but this is a different matter and I have a question that needs an immediate answer." laughing, you turned to fully face the male as he took a deep breath and looked at your collarbone with the bite mark. "can you just cockwarm me? i know your legs hurt but cockwarming should be a little easier, no?"

"as long as you're gentle. i don't think over-the-edge angry you is the one I want to have in bed every night." gwanghyun smiled and leaned over to kiss your lips as he lead you to the couch and laid you down on your back gently. he smiled softly as he removed your pants and lowered his, leaning down to kiss your lips as he pushed into you slowly, a deep moan leaving his lips as he then moved to have you in his lap with a soft smile. "so pretty.."

sungmin (lune):

sungmin groaned in frustration as you ignored him, arms crossed over your chest as you sat on the couch and watched mo dao zu shi on the tv. the two of you had gotten into an argument over your modeling pics, him not being happy you posed for victoria's secret.

"baby! just look at me!" he yelled out as you turned and snapped at him. "why? so you can yell at me again?!" rubbing his face with a hand he sighed. "okay, I'm sorry. i was wrong about that." scrunching your nose up, you sneered at him. "oh really, you're sorry?"

his eyes narrowed as he walked crossed the kitchen and stood in front of you, grabbing your chin roughly as he spoke with a dark voice. "I told you I was, didn't I?" looking up at him with wide eyes and swallowing harshly, you nodded your head. "y-you did.."

"you know what, i feel like using a human fleshlight." sungmin said as he jumped over the back of the couch and plopped down, man spreading and looking at you as you struggled to hold back your groan. his face was pretty but he looked even hotter when he man spread.

knowing better than to keep sungmin waiting, you quickly stripped and walked over to him as he grinned and yanked you onto his cock, shoving into you as he sighed happily, feeling your wall clench around him.

heechan:

heechan had just finished dicking you down and you were a cum filled mess. you had no intentions of moving as heechan laughed and cleaned you up. "remind me to never tell you that you can fuck me all night ever again.." you said with a soft grunt as heechan laughed and laid down next to you, his arms wrapping around your waist.

"i beg to differ. you were busy begging for more." he said as you laughed. "okay yeah I did but still, you could've gone easy on me a bit." grinning as he kissed your neck, he shrugged. "not as fun as seeing you tear up under me."

as the two of you relaxed, heechan's voice filled the silence. "doll, it feels empty without you around me. can you cockwarm me while we sleep?" laughing and looking back at him in amazement, you raised a brow. "babe, I'm still leaking your cum..are you serious?" heechan nodded his head and pouted. "please?"

"fine."

smiling, heechan scooted closer to you as he entered back inside of you, a soft moan escaping the both of your mouths as heechan snuggled closer to you, satisfied as he fell asleep immediately.

junseo:

"tiny. i'll pick you up from school later." junseo said as he hugged you, his leather jacket left with a faint scent of you. nodding your head, you smiled and waved goodbye as he grabbed his helmet, exiting the apartment.

as promised, junseo and his friends were waiting outside of your school as the students all whispered with one another, surprised that you actually got along with the gang. hugging junseo as you greeted him and his friends, grabbing your helmet he had held for you, you slipped it on as you sat in front and junseo held onto you as you drove the both of you to the hangout spot.

once you arrived, you went to change your clothes out of your school uniform and into your normal clothes. junseo came over to you after seeing you in your new outfit, him pinning you to the wall as he kissed your lips. "you look so good." he mumbled as you laughed.

junseo kept kissing your lips and moved to kiss your neck, mumbling how gorgeous you looked as he kept kissing and even bit your neck lightly, a hand covering your mouth as he lifted you up and you wrapped your legs around his waist.

junseo pushed your skirt up a bit as you shuddered at the cold air you felt hitting your core. "i could eat you up all day.." he mumbled as he kissed and nibbled on your lip. you moaned softly as junseo mumbled and whispered in your ear. "can you let me put just the tip in?"

you nodded as junseo lowered you down and lined his tip up with your entrance, pushing into you gently as he continued kissing you and lowered your skirt, so nobody would see the way his cock twitched inside of you as he continued kissing you once again.

"hey! no fucking in a public area, go to one of the rooms!" one of junseo's friends yelled as the two of you broke the kiss, you laughing loudly and junseo turning to flick him off, his face evident he was more than ready to fuck the shit out of you.

yuku:

yuku had asked you what you thought about cockwarming randomly. when i say random, i mean:

the two of you were eating ramen and you were in the middle of slurping your noodles when yuku had called your name. "cookie. what do you think about cockwarming?" you choked on your noodles and cut off the noodles in your mouth as you swallowed and chugged your water. "huh? why mention that now?" you asked as he leaned closer to you, his hand holding chopsticks holding his chin up with a grin. "you just looked cute in the panda onesie and cheeks full so i just had to ask."

that was two weeks ago.

yuku had sighed and was sitting on the couch, tired from dance practice. as you looked at him and smiled softly, you placed a hand on his shoulder. "i'll take you up on that offer from a couple weeks ago." yuku looked up at you his hand paused midair as he put his popcorn kernel back down. "what offer?" he asked as he tilted his head to the side, as it took a second and he smiled his gummy smile. "oh yeah, come here." he said as he patted his lap and you climbed into it, him smiling as he kissed your lips and watched as you moved off him and gave him head.

his head was tossed back against the couch as he laughed softly. "cookie, aren't you supposed to cockwarm me?"

harry june:

you were playing love and deepspace, ignoring everything going on around you as you stared at the misty invasion memory wish video (the video is basically sex, they're all half naked for those of you without the game), drooling over the scene of rafayel kissing her character and sylus lifting her character up and placing her onto the counter as he grabbed her hand and pushed her down, the kiss sensual.

"god, i want sylus and rafayel to be so rough with me i'm sobbing for them to be gentle.." harry turned his head to look at you as he raised a brow, listening to you talk to yourself as you kept hitting the 10x wish button. "you want who and who to what with you?" he asked as he folded his arms and looked at you, his phone in his hand.

looking up at him you raised a brow. "rafayel and sylus. i want them to fuck me stupid until they break the bed." harry nodded his head and squinted his eyes as he went back to scrolling on his phone as you got into a deepspace trial, cursing and yelling at rafayel as if you were really fighting the wanderers. "shit! rafayel, baby, i need you to move! no matter how sexy i look in the eternal desert outfit!"

harry looked up from his phone once again to see you furiously mashing the buttons on your phone screen as you started to stand up from the couch next to harry, screaming at your phone in panic, trying to make a buzzer beater before the trial challenge ended. "ah! raffy, baby, please don't! no, move! fuck, fuck, fuck!" you shrieked as you continued to furiously mash the buttons, screaming in delight as you jumped up and down. "yes! i knew i could count on you baby! i never doubted you in the first place!"

harry started to grow jealous as he watched you glued to your phone, even snatching his phone charger from him as he was about to use it, your evil glare sending a chill down his spine as he backed away and let you plug in your phone, your whines now about sylus, as he saw the animated parts of the storyline, shaking his head not understanding why you were so enthralled with 3D men when you had him, quite literally, a human 3D character sitting next to you.

"sylus if only you were real, the way i would cry if he did the take you down challenge.." she mumbled as she stroked her phone gently, harry rolling his eyes and becoming fed up, snatching your phone away from you. "okay, that's fucking it." he said with irritation as he turned your phone off and threw it on the chair across the room.

you glared at him and got up to grab your phone, shrieking in shock at how fast harry moved to have you pinned against the couch. he glared down at you, his eye twitching. "all damn day, it's been 'xavier this' 'zayne that' 'sylus fuck me' 'zayne would dick me down better than xavier' to that stupid fucking game on your phone. do i not exist anymore?" he spat as you stared up at him, eyes shaking as you looked around before becoming angry at him. "it's fucking love and deepspace! do you know what misty invasion has done to me?!"

"yeah, made you want to be fucked by men who don't exist! i'm your boyfriend for fuck's sake!"

"so?! why can't i fantasize about a demon dilf or a doctor who has ice powers?!" harry groaned and shook his head as he leaned down closer to your face. "because you're my property, doll." he said as you swallowed and squeezed your legs together.

harry had bit your neck, causing you to stop breathing for a second as you let out a soft groan of pain. moving down and his jealousy taking over, harry had marked your neck multiple times, grumbling about how 3D men should be banned around him if he was going to have to watch you be a whore for them.

an hour later, harry leaned over to lay on top of you, tired from how hard he just fucked the desire of sylus dicking you down out of you. "maybe i should get jealous more often. you won't be having those deepspace guys filling your holes the way i do." harry said as you hugged him and laughed softly. "jealous harry is definitely something i could get behind as long as i can keep playing love and deepspace to push you over the edge."

harry kissed your lips with a grin. "yeah, i'm going to stay inside you longer in case i need to remind you who i am and what you are."

[aonungyoufuck]

hi! i hope my request will be okay to you rules but im thirst for smth like this ;

y/n is sully, and mated with aonung (aged up obv)

so in the first part they do yfkyn (smut) and in the second part y/n is pregnant and all alone in the shore bc everyone went to fight with sky people. the birth started but there is so much complication so she end so messed up with so much blood coming out from her v and half conscious. when aonung come back he found her and first he loose his mind he was so scared but then he take her to ronal who need to do all the things like sew her and everything - her condition was tragic.

firstly im so sorry for my english (it is not my first language so yeah) but i decided to write because i see that youre aonung specialist 😂❤️

Ma Baby Ma Baby

Warnings: Obv birth, Some tear kinda gore? Graphic for sure.

Ao'nung (22) Reader (21)

Thank you for the request Anon! Sorry it took me a while since i dont typically write Smut i tried making it up with it some more with the rest of the story (Also i was lowkey coughing up my lungs so excuse my tardiness i hope this was okay!)

Finally. was all you can think about as you felt the stinging pain of the tattoo now being painted over your skin. Sure You dint really need to do this Given your darker complexion and the fact that well you weren't really metkayina well... But that didn't matter. You had stated this is what you wanted for you. For him.

"Almost done don't worry"

Truth be told this was only one Tattoo of many you were sure to have. One of your spirit sister, No doubt later came the mate tattoo.

Just the thought sent shivers down your spine. You had never thought this would happen. That you would be Mated to Ao'nung. Truly no you didn't see this coming.

Had you told yourself when you arrived and hated the poor man's guts. Well You'd probably ask you to drown. However now it was different. He had changed along side you.

"How gorgeous you are"

"Oh stop that i just came to show you" You said slapping his hand off of your hip. No doubt some time later you'd see your spirit sister with one too.

"And yet you take my breath away anytime i see you"

"Oh hush. Do you like it or not?" You asked moving your loincloth just a little bit more to show him fully the full thing.

Feeling his hand stroke your inner thigh and beginning to whisper in your ear. "I do"

"Stop that" You spoke slapping his hand feeling the other now rest on your back and pull you into him.

Now you were not much shorter than him. Not by a lot but right now you felt so utterly small, and in a good way too. Feeling him rub against you, the loincloth now rubbing right above your own.

"Ao'nung stop we cant stop once we start"

"Who said i want to stop" He whispered again now pushing you two down at full force. Him atop you feeling you and you in turn him.

It honestly felt like a bunch of little things were crawling on you with the excitement that you felt.

You two never done anything more than hug or kiss. Never taking it too far. You two knew better than doing anything before mating. But maybe it was time to try something new.

"Ao'nung seriously! Your mother and my father will kill us if we do anything right now"

"Its a good thing your worth it then" He spoke. Kissing your neck and lowering dangerously. Feeling his hand messing with your top.

Jake was a very strict father, It was a blessing he even gave Ao'nung the blessing of courting you. But if this went on any more you were sure you'd lose your mate before he even officially became your mate.

You may as well go out together, you thought now pulling him closer to you. You were thankful that right now it was well past eclipse and no doubt everyone was asleep. So if anyone were to see anything, well it was really their fault.

"It seems even you want this my love"

"Oh shut up"

Almost like messy teens trying to get something from each other. You two messed around with the knot of each other's loincloth. before Finally being expose to one another.

You couldn't help but avade looking at him. Before he placed a hand on your cheek making you turn to him. "Look at me my dear"

Taking in a gulp the air now thick with a tension you had only ever heard of. Looking at him fully. His tattoo on his shoulder wrapping around to his back and little over his peck.

"No need to hide now, dont you think"

You smiled letting him feel you. And you in turn touching him.

"May i ?" He asked looking down to your core. If you weren't high on the emotions you were sure you would have slapped him away to not look. But right now you didn't care.

You chuckled now going to sit at his lap. You wetting him and him in turn causing a friction you so desperately wanted right now. Kissing him. So desperate and yet so gentle.

Both your breathes becoming labored as you smelled each other. Kissing his head and then his collarbone before looking into his eyes.

"Take me as you see me"

He took in a gulp. Feeling you. Seeing you and tasting you. It was all he ever had dreamed of.

And with a prayer on his lips he guided himself to your core. The feeling engulfing you two as he bit your shoulder to hold back a growl that he had been holding.

Now exactly nine months later here you were standing and waiting for Ao'nung to return. Just like you had predicted Your parent's weren't pleased to know you two had laid with each other. Not that you had admitted to.

Actually you had a whole four months to prepare for your ceremonial bond. But Ronal wasn't stupid neither was your mother. Neytiri was talking to jake when the suspension came on. You had been eating too much and so she asked Tsahik to make sure of it.

Sure enough your parents. Especially Jake was beyond furious. And by default you two had your ceremony much sooner than expected.

Now To say Jake and Ronal were the only ones who were furious was an understatement. It really felt that Tonowari, Tuk and Tsireya were the only ones that were happy.

Bless Ao'nung for handling your family.

Unfortunately that short lived bliss of being mates was interrupted. Roa had been found dead with her calf. Now you all stood watching as your father told them to warn the Tulkun. You couldn't move. You weren't allowed.

You just waited watching as Lo'ak and Neteyam were now arguing.

It all happened in a flash. You were in the arms of Ao'nung, and then the next you were asking him to be safe in bringing your brother's back.

Taking yourself into your pod.

You prayed. The pit in your stomach now hurting as you felt your breath hitch. You still had a few months to go. But it felt painful suddenly.

"Eywa please please let this fear leave me" you begged. Hand on your stomach as you couldn't even hear the horns sound.

War didn't just hurt those to went to it. Soldiers bled but the innocent stay and suffer that pain.

The silence of the village was what alarmed you. You were completely alone. Perhaps the stress? The emptiness of it all but you felt your water break.

Panic seeped into your heart. It was far too early. Too dangerously early and you were alone. Nobody in sight. Without even thinking you let out a cry unbeknownst to you calling your Ikran 'Ana.

You didn't even know what to do. All you remembered was what little you had learned from Ronal and your mother. You thanked 'Ana for being ever so patient as you pulled at her face and held her there while you went into the water.

Let Gravity help

That's all you were told was your best of friends. And so you did. Feeling 'Ana Grumble and growl along side you. Perhaps too she was scared of what was happening.

You felt the sting. And then the shooting pain. You began to push on instinct too But that sharp burning pain didnt stop. Looking down at the water you saw red.

Blood. A lot of Blood

'help'

it was the only thing on your mind as you finally felt the relieve of the growing tension ease.

But that wasn't the end of it. Yours lungs ached and the bleeding was getting so much worse. Looking at 'Ana you looked at her finally.

"Please..get mom"

That's all you wanted letting her fly off. You looked down again. Placing your hand down to feel. An open wound. And the head of your babe poking out.

Screaming again as you began to push. Feeling yourself get lightheaded. You looked to the open sea. Cries. War. And you were all alone delivering your babe by yourself.

Begging, Silently praying to Eywa as you felt your legs shake.

Ao'nung along side Tsireya was now dragging back a wounded Neteyam. He made a promise to bring your brother's back. Jake Had told him to take him back to shore and that's what he did.

His people Some wounded and some not so much. Some being dragged. To the safety of his mother's healing pod.

And that's when he saw you. He was so sure he didn't let you anywhere NEAR the battle. He was so sure he didn't see you there. But there you were.

He was one of the very first few people back. And there you were laying on the shore. The water around you red.

"Ao'nung!" Tsireya yelled now taking Neteyam in her arms as she saw him run to you.

So much blood. So much blood. Dragging you he saw the cord that now left your legs and he began to search the water. Scared. Terribly scared, frightened to his core to think that something happened to you or the babe.

And then he brought the small thing up. Its movement now erratic before he let out a shrill cry. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be so happy

But this babe was so so small. So terribly tiny. And you were bleeding.

"Go take her to the pod! Go" Tsireya yelled again struggling to drag ao'nung but noticing some people coming back.

Ao'nung didn't think he just picked you up and placed the babe in your arms as he took you to his mom's pod.

Now he was no healer. But his mom had taught him how to stop the bleeding So while she would take a while to get here He could do what was the best for the meantime.

Jake now stood in front of the pod where you were being taken care of along side Neteyam. He was both thankful and yet Furious with himself that he let this happen.

He looked at his son in law. his face a distant memory of when he let home tree fall. A loss and yet being so lost in thought.

"kid?"

He didnt respond possibly to shell shocked as he waited

"Hey it'll be alright okay?"

"Will she be alright?" He asked like a little kid. Looking at his family and then Tonowari both parents dealing with having to protect their kids.

Before he could speak. Ronal opened the veil of the pod looking at all of them and then her son. "she's alright"

"and Neteyam?"

"He's alright as well. Hasn't woken up yet but is stable. Come" She said stepping aside and letting them all in.

You kept looking at the ceiling. As you had been the entire time you were conscious. Ronal having to stitch you up and while painful it wasn't as traumatizing and enduring labor alone.

You saw Ao'nung and then your father. And that's when you began to cry. You had been so scared and you were terrified as Ronal had not said a word about your baby.

"Shh its okay. Its okay sweet girl" Your father said stroking your head as you couldn't help but cry.

Ao'nung holding your hand before he felt his mother tap him on the shoulder. A small bundle. Barely the size of a healthy babe in her arms.

"He is tiny. Premature. But he is healthy" She spoke watching as all your family now surrounded her and watched.

She was right. Such a tiny little thing.

Ao'nung smiled. Kissing your head as he just held you. "healthy my love healthy"

You couldn't help but laugh a little through your sobs as you felt ronal lay the small thing on your chest. Sure now came the path of having to care for such a premature babe. But you were just glad all that pain. All that panic was worth it. Because as you two stared at your little son. It made it all worth it.

"Welcome to the family little one" You heard Neteyam say next to you. and Oh Eywa. Was it the thing you wanted to hear after hearing your babe cry too.

[concretepuppy]

hope does the erectile implant work? i always thought of like... a button or smth lol.

there are three types. i have the AMS Ambicor two-piece hybrid system (the newest of three. AMS is the brand, Ambicor is the model). all options will need to be replaced eventually. *theoretically* they could last forever, but because theyre mechanical devices that are getting a lot of friction, and in the case of phallo penises supporting something relatively heavy (phallo penises are significantly heavier than natal penises bc natal penises are mostly erectile tissue, which is spongy and light, but phallo penises are mostly subcutaneous fat or muscle, which is denser) so eventually they wear out or break. luckily unless the break is the result of trauma and caused any of the stuff inside the silicone to break the silicone or the device somehow breaks through your skin, it’s not dangerous to have a non-functioning device in your body. all three options are attached to your pelvic bone using titanium sutures. the small amount of metal will not set off body scanners/meta detectors and are all safe for MRI machines, and you’re given a patient info card to show when it’s relevant.

the types are:

1. Semi-rigid rod. exactly what it says on the tin. it’s a rod of ball-and-socket joints covered in silicone. the rod is always semi-rigid and does not get more or less hard. you bend it up (at a 90° angle to your body) for sex, and bend it back down for daily use. this option lasts the longest bc there’s less mechanical parts. i know two people who have had it, and both are satisfied, though one says he sometimes has difficulty topping anally if the bottom is a virgin or rarely bottoms anally. in cis men (who are the only population who have any studies wrt erectile implants, so they’ll be the comparison i use) this typically needs replaced every 5-10 years. there are many different brand options

2. Inflatable. A hydraulic system where a “reservoir” of fluid in a bulb that is ovular like a testicle is connected to the cylinders implanted in your penis. there is a button on the reservoir you push multiple times to fill the cylinders with fluid to become erect, then press and hold the button to become flaccid. For phallo patients, the reservoir is typically placed on one side of the scrotum and the other side has a testicular implant, but the reservoir can be placed anywhere in the pelvic region, it’s just easiest to access in the scrotum. This needs replaced more often than the semi-rigid rod bc it has more moving parts, in cis men it generally needs to be replaced every 5-7 years. i’m not sure about brand options bc i never considered this option.

3. Hybrid. what I have. the only existing option afaik is the AMS Ambicor. it’s a hybrid of the other two. it is a semi-rigid device, though less rigid than the rod, so it still has a truly flaccid state. the reservoir is again typically placed in the scrotum. unlike the inflatable, there is no button on the reservoir. you squeeze the reservoir itself to fill the cylinders with fluid & become erect, then you bend your erect penis at a ~60° angle in the middle (it looks very painful but it’s not at all, it’s not even uncomfortable) to deflate it.

i had some issues with inflation/deflation when i first started cycling the device. my balls were still sore so squeezing the reservoir kind of hurt, so i wasnt inflating the device all the way, which made deflation difficult. but now that i dont have any post-op pain, the process is easy and painless and cycling the device (inflating and then deflating it right after. you have to inflate the device once a day to “keep the fluid moving” according to my surgeon, so if youre not having sex or jerking off you just do a quick cycle) takes like two minutes, if that. it typically needs replaced in cis men everg 5-7 years.

my surgeon, Dr. Geolani Dy, prefers the hybrid for phallo patients. it has less risk of erosion (the tip of the device coming out of your skin bc the skin gas eroded due to pressure/friction) than the rod bc it has a flaccid state, but it can handle more weight than the full inflatable and thus is better suited for phallo penises. with the inflatable option OHSU offers, the tip of that device is a bit more pointy than the hybrid, so it also has a higher erosion risk. not sure abt any other inflatable options. but all three options have their pros and cons! there are also external erectile devices. some DIY using two coban/vet wrap and two condoms to create rigidity (note: this is not “safe” as in “safe sex” bc the friction of two condoms means theyre likely to break, so should only be done with partners youre fluid-bonded with), but this really only works for PIV sex and personally i could never get it to work for me. there are companies that make external erectile devices, like the Elator or the Stays Hard. both were designed for natal penises so both companies recommend phallo patients email them and work with them on sizing to ensure a good fit. i never tried these options so i cant speak to how well they work.

[upsidedowngrass]

hi these are some thoughts i had about liam a min ago. theyre messy but im thinking abt them so much . blwos up (text version under the cut, tho i also put the text into the alt)

its. initially he doesnt seem OPPOSED to help or anything but he def develops just. not considering himself. he doesnt care what happens to him as long as he can do what he needs to .but i think at the most visceral he still will avoid things that Actively Will Be Painful, tho i think hes more aware of that in heavy hindsight, or when its extremely imminent (gestures at ep 14)

DEFINITIELY… I THINK TO THE SHIT W THE SMOKESTACK SM hes like. is it dangerous? yeah. could i get in legal trouble? yeah. but its what stone wants, im sure of it. and i need to do that. no matter what

bc he obv is scared of death!!! he actively AVOIDS it in ep 14. which ofc is a low bar but its like. it shows his priorities SO well

that saving the others+stopping the others+just. doing whatever stone is asking him, thats giving him … some semblance of a purpose w what he feels like is already a permenantly destroyed life that cant be pieced together, that he has nothing else, thats weighed heavier than his own safety

he DOES object to offing himself in ep 13 though. at least he says as much, but he. doesnt seem to convinced. i think it was on his list of idedas but hes scared of death so idt he wanted to outright do THAT unless hed exhausted his options entirely, and following the notes WAS his 'options'

he cant follow the notes if hes dead, and as far as he knows, dying might screw up his ability to follow them. so its not smth he WANTS and hes scared of it and will avoid it if he can, but his own safety is considered a lower priorty; the same way he didnt wanna kill airy, he didnt wanna kill himself- stopping one from continuing, follow the notes were a higher priority, but if doing that directly requires doing the first two things he doesnt wanna actually do, he would do it. which , the thing w the smokestack isnt suicide, but the lack of concern for his own safety feels cut from the same cloth, really

THE FACT THAT HE CONSIDERS IT IS SO. hes so obv at his last straw its so upsetting. i think he realizes its illogical and thats what properly deters him. if its the wrong call, after all, it could ruin his chances- he needs to make use of his life as much as he can, he doesnt actually know what comes after bc he wasnt there long enough, but he knows its terrifying- but if it had been what he needed to do he would. but it doesnt seem to be

the argument is so very much. bryce fully coming to the realization that liam isnt just unhappy. that this isnt just smth hes just adamant abt, or a surface level problem and solution- he said 'you really are a mess' abt the eggs and i think at that pt all he knows is that liams Obsessed w this, and he knows shit got worse, but that liam is dwelling on it (smth bryce, master of handling his emotions, does not do /silly) - that hes doing this for himself and is just being ridiculous. but the argument i think is when it clicks how deep seated it is. i think after liams final little outburst after bryce says liams doing it for himself, i think the calling of bryce by soda bottle, the phrasing all makes it click that hes not just a guy not handling problems well, and isnt just being stupid, that liam is actively at the end of his rope and has stopped keeping himself safe and couldnt give less of a shit abt it- and its only then that it properly clicks for bryce. which ofc bryce couldnt know this is more an observation of what that convo does, bc what it does is like. make it click for bryce just how deep seated this problem is. he cant say 'dont do that' and walk away, and i think that probably scares bryce, because hes often the one fucking himself over- and this time, its someone else doing that, and its terrifying

he ultimately follows liam out of compassion- he doesnt need the keys. the car is totalled, and im fairly certain itd cost more to repair that thing than to get another car. he doesnt need liam for that. but i dont know if, before liam says his final thing, bryce wouldve fully followed him up the smokestack. bc theres a pause in bryce following liam at the gate, and i think thats the stretch that was because of what liam last said. bc he still cares about liam of course. hes pissed and catches up w him the first time because hes fucking angry and reasonably so, bc this guy STOLE AND CRASHED HIS CAR . and is mad abt it, and wants liam to know that. and he follows him to the gate bc hes WORRIED bc liam is being stupid, but that last stretch is like. thats him deciding that. liam isnt being stupid, hes not thinking and doesnt care and that its not smth liam COULD even do intentionally, bc its not smth that occurs as smth illogical and dangerous (and that being bad) if youre out of it and fucked up and dont know how to handle it. and bryce has his own issues, and hes not an asshole, and following liam up there is just. its him acting bc he knows liams too out of it to not get himself killed, and not only does he not want that on his conscience, he knows liam doesnt deserve to have that happen to him due to being so fucked up by things that he CANNOT think straight. hes not responding well and no matter how much someone could say he should try, like bryce was wanting him to, liam isnt at that pt. there are stages, so to speak, of experiencing trauma, and theres a point where its hard to even conceptualize that you SHOULD respond better to it, even if told, because it makes everything turn on its head and its hard to follow that, no matter how logical of a person you are. and bryce knows this. that liams not not trying to heal, that hes not in a place he CAN

if that makes. any sense. i have a lot of feelings on it

[scalproie]

for OTP asks. SubScorp: 9, 17, 51, 60. KazJun: 25, 26, 33, 51?

me thinking about love: hahaha yesss this owns

me getting asks and now having to put my thoughts in words: wait oh god

Anyway. Subscorp:

9. What are their thoughts on having children?

A child of their own? Nah. Kuai has enough maturity to realize that while he is a good teacher, he would not be a good father, both bc of his lifestyle and his lack of experience. Out of the two it'd be Hanzo who'd be more likely to consider children, but he's already been burned once (eh.) and considering how hard it is for him to move on, it'd be years into the relationship before he would see himself raise a child with someone else again, and by that point he and Kuai would be too old. And besides he already has been able to place his paternal projection onto Takeda, so he's good.

17. Who’s more likely to pull the other in by the waist and kiss them passionately?

Hanzo. I see Kuai as someone who is extremely in control of his actions, out of discipline, out of fear, take your pick. I see him as someone who will keep his emotions in check even if it causes him to yearn to death, him doing smth that intense out of passion, while not downright impossible, is very unlikely to me unless its under very extreme and unusual circumstances. Hanzo on the other hand. Hanzo feels. Hanzo acts. If a situation arise where he feels a strong need to pull his lover by the waist and kiss him (most likely in the aftermath of a battle, both covered in blood and surrounded by dead bodies), by god he's going to do it.

51. What’s a non verbal way they say I love you?

Its looking for ways to spend more time together, like one forcing himself to wake up in the early morning to go sit in the gardens next to the other who wanted to hear nature wake up and feel the first rays of sunlight, or the other struggling to stay awake much later than he's used to at night because he does not want the interesting conversation they're having to end. Its making small meaningful gifts to each other as clan leaders that feel so personal to them bc they knew each other as individuals first before as figureheads. Its the small comments that they've managed to redeem their own clan in the other's eyes, and that said clan doesnt bring them pain as it once had because its embodied by the one who lead it and they have nothing but positive things to say about each other.

60. Who pulls the other closer when they’re sleeping?

Both. You get to sleep next to the one (1) person who does not suffer for the unnatural temperature of your body, and you both have potential nightmare-inducing trauma, and you have been denied intimacy for most of your life either bc it was forbidden or bc it was torn from you. I bet theyre both unconsciously clingy.

Kazjun:

25. Do they have any hobbies they share?

Sparring is an obvious one. Kazuya said himself that fighting is a huge part of his life and Jun's strength does not come from nowhere, what better way for them to bond than to clash their family's opposite style against each other? As for their personal ones, I dont think Jun would understand sneaker-collecting nor would Kazuya understand bird-watching, but Jun would indulge Kazuya should he chose to open up and share that interest with her, and Kaz definitely does not have the patience for bird-watching but I could see him at the very least see the appeal of forest-bathing, even in a self-interested way.

26. What are their vices?

Kazuya is a pile of vices in a purple snakeskin trenchcoat. Jun's vice is Kazuya. Her choosing to love him and wishing for his wellbeing while knowing fully well he is not a good person who has hurt others (and as of t8, by his own admission in the first chapter, only death will make him stop) is the only thing that stops her from being a perfect, morally correct character. But that does not make her a bad person and that does make the love wrong or any less real.

33. Who’s the better cook?

So you'd THINK that with Jun's infamous cooking skills, I would say Kaz, right? Wrong. I think Kaz never had any reason to cook a single day in his life but still has some rudimentary cooking skills for his own personal gain. They're equally bad but with their abilities combined they'd be able to cook one (1) decent meal.

51. What’s a non verbal way they say I love you?

For Kazuya, it's literally just trying. His world begin and ends with himself, any positive actions he could take for someone else will usually only be done if he get some hidden self-interest out of it. So him doing anything small for someone else, because he find them worthy of being aknowledged (most likely for their strength, bc power is EVERYTHING to him), because he doesnt view it as a weakness to connect them to himself, because he views their happiness as beneficial for him, aka make him happy in return, is the loudest he can be that he loves someone. Like I dont even have to try with this one, that's literally just his t8 ending??? Like he is NOT the type to say "I love you" outloud in the first place but you can just see in his ending that holy shit, he loves Jun, he loves her. For Jun, it's coming back. Jun will try, but she will not return to someone whom she does not love at the cost of her wellbeing, it's literally the lesson she tells Jin: "Your wellbeing is important to those who love you, so for their sake, you have to take care of yourself". So her coming back to someone, her staying with someone, is the biggest proof of love I think you can get from her. And Jun is just as lonely as Kazuya? But its the way they deal with loneliness that make them such a match: Jun is someone who endlessly gives and Kazuya is someone who endlessly takes, but with Kazuya, Jun has something to get if she's staying with him, and with Jun, Kazuya has something to give if he wants her to stay. Ying Yang once again.

[bellysoupset]

Hello!! Could I request a touch-starved Leo with Jonas where maybe Jonas doesn’t believe Leo when he says he says he doesn’t feel good. He makes a mean remark or something but Leo has an upset bloated belly (no emeto, but gassy) and just wants comfort from Jonas (maybe he feels like he doesn’t deserve it - bc of trauma or smth) And Jonas feels guilty? Ending in lots of cuddles and tummy rubs?! Thank you so much ❤️

"It won't kill you, stop whining," Jonah rolled his eyes as he walked past Leo, fixing his tie on the mirror. His boyfriend had been sitting at the edge of the bed for the past 20 minutes, only half dressed. He had his social shirt all buttoned up, but he still wasn't wearing anything but boxers and his own tie hung limply around his neck. Jonah glared at the reflection, "Leo."

"Jon, you don't need me there, c'mon-"

"I want you there," Jonah frowned, "Leo, please?"

The blonde met him with a steely glare, blue eyes very striking against his face and for a second Jonah's will wavered. Leo really didn't seem to be just playing it up to miss the event... But then his boyfriend nodded, having lost the battle of egos and turned around to grab his trousers carefully separated and ironed already.

Jonah gulped down the sudden bad taste in his mouth and shook his head. He couldn't let Leo have his way, if it was up to him they'd never socialize ever.

It was the opening night of an art gallery and Jonah really loved the art scene, much more than he enjoyed chips and beers with the guys. Obviously he didn't say that last part out loud, but it was an open secret.

Leo was tagging along like a sullen shadow as they entered the modern building. The lights had been dimmed in the main hall, then the whole place had been separated in sections, the blue area, the pink one and so forth.

"This is gorgeous," Jonah all but beamed, reaching behind him without looking, in order to take Leo's hand, but he found nothing but air. He frowned, glancing over his shoulder and his happiness considerably diminished. Leo had his arms crossed to his chest, a painful frown on.

A pang of annoyance hit him and Jon breathed out forcefully, "really? At least try to enjoy it."

Leo glared at him, unimpressed, "I'm here, am I not?"

"You're acting like a toddler," Jonah hissed back, before a familiar figure walked behind his boyfriend and he pushed the argument aside, opening a smile and calling out, "Wendy, hey!"

Wendy was clad in a silver-blue dress, arm in arm with a friend and she waved and beamed as Jonah circled Leo and went to hug her.

Leo glared in her direction, somehow she was always there when he wanted her there the least, he thought sourly, watching Jon pull her in a hug and then shake her friend's hand enthusiastically.

He wasn't just being annoying for no reason, Leo scowled, he had tried multiple times to tell Jon he'd much rather be at home. Not only these events made him uncomfortable, but while he could normally suck it up, tonight his belly really didn't feel well and it was hard to concentrate on being the perfect boyfriend.

He moved away from the trio, not bothering to greet Wendy. It was no secret between the two of them that Leo didn't like her and he wouldn't be all smiles just because Jon wanted him to.

Instead he walked to the other side of the gallery, to the green section and leaned on a pillar, sourly doom scrolling his instagram account and trying not to think of the burning jealousy in his gut and the crampy sensation that was spreading all over.

His trousers were digging in him, but he couldn't possibly loosen them or do anything about it. He scrolled past a picture. One of his teachers whom he followed was posting educative stuff about Law. He pushed the slides, liked it and scrolled past it without reading a word. Next post was Lucas', it was a video of him leaning against his apartment's bathroom door, which was closed and the noise of Bella singing faintly over the shower could be heard through it. He had put a bunch of fire emojis all over it. They were sickening adorable.

Leo rubbed at his chest, dislodging a small, breathy burp and he let it out slowly, glancing up. Jonah was nowhere to be found. Great.

He had no idea who were the next two people on his feed and then he ended up getting lost in his recommended videos -

"Champagne, sir?"

Leo's startled at the question, nearly dropping his phone. His chest rumbled with a burp, he swallowed it back down and it hurt.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Champagne, sir?" the waiter repeated and Leo felt an urge to laugh hysterically. He couldn't count in one hand the amount of times he had been in the other side of this interaction.

"Uh - Yeah, yeah, thanks," he said awkwardly, taking the champagne flute and starting to sip on it. The bubbles went up to his nose. Sat heavily in his chest, refusing to go down.

He swallowed a burp back down again, feeling cold sweat start to collect on his brow. His stomach hurt. Whatever he had had for lunch, it was truly upsetting it and he was terrified that nausea was soon to follow the whiny gurgles that were making their way around his belly.

"Hi," Wendy's voice interrupted his musings and Leo glared at her as she came to stand elbow to elbow with him, looking ahead as if she was admiring the photography framed before them, "goodnight to you too."

"Uhm," Leo rolled his eyes, took another sip of the champagne, which he immediately regretted, "what do you want, Wendy?"

She raised a perfecty manicured eyebrow, "Geez, calm down, Leo. I just wanted to make small talk."

"We don't have to small talk," he scoffed, then couldn't help but grab at his stomach as a painful gurgle ran through it, queasiness following suit.

She was studying him still, hazel eyes glued to his face, "...right" Wendy said skeptically, "so what are you doing here? I thought you were Jon's date?"

"I am," Leo glared at her, running a shaky hand through his hair and forcing the saliva pooling in his mouth backdown by taking yet another regretful champagne sip, "of course I am, why are you asking?"

"You're not with him," she shrugged, "well, you don't have to be tied by the hip, kinda antiquated on my part to say so," the jab was clear, "some couples are a little too clingy if you ask me."

"I didn't," Leo scoffed, "Wendy, did you want something or did you go out of your way to pe-" he cut himself off when a wet burp pushed past his lips, turning frothy and disgusting at the end. Tasting like bitter coffee and champagne. Oh yeah, he hadn't had lunch, Leo remembered. He had been stuck at the library all day, living off coffee.

He rushed a hand up to cover his mouth and kept it clasped there for a couple seconds as he swallowed down the nausea, eyes squeezed shut. When he opened his eyes, Wendy was still staring at him, unfazed.

She squinted at him, "you were saying?"

"Please," Leo rubbed a hand over his face, tired and noticing how clammy he was, "leave me alone."

"Alright," she said a little too cheery, raising her hands in mock surrender, "can't say I didn't try to be friendly."

He huffed, "very friendly," and watched as she turned around and walked away from him... And straight to Jon, across the room, who had just been chatting with her friend.

"Shit," Leo grumbled, watching as Wendy grabbed Jon's grey blazer and pulled him aside politely, before prompting starting to rant. Probably going on and on about how rude he was, Leo thought with a renewed sense of nausea, as Jon looked past Wendy's naked shoulders and to the spot where he was standing.

It felt like he had been caught doing something terrible, even if in reality he had just been standing there. He felt an urge to run, from the intense manner Jonah was looking at him. His boyfriend planted a reassuring hand on Wendy's shoulder, then started to walk towards him, an angry frown on.

"Leo."

"I swear she fucking started it," Leo defended himself, feeling even more shitty that he had to defend himself to his own boyfriend, but Jonah only scoffed.

"Leo."

"It's not my fault she seemingly hates me for no good reason. I swear she's half in lo-"

"Leo," Jonah's voice was an octave higher, more harsh, "Wendy said you're sick."

"...What?" he mumbled, confused, stomach pain forgotten, anger too, "what...?"

"She said I'm a dick for dragging you here when you're clearly sick," Jonah moved awkwardly from side to side, looking him up and down, "so are you?"

Leo glanced over his shoulder, to where Wendy was standing across the room, drinking champagne with her friend, pretending to be blissfully unaware, "No, I'm fi-" he started to lie, only for another sick burp to press at his throat. He cupped his mouth and tried to swallow it back in, but it was to no avail. Gross, warm champagne flooded his mouth and he swallowed it down, gagging. Once he opened his eyes again, Jonah looked like he had just assassinated his puppy right in front of him.

"Jon-"

"Bloody hell, Leo," Jonah groaned, crossing the space between them, "I'm so sorry, I should've - Shit, I should've heard you, I'm so sorry-"

He felt ill for a whole different reason now. Vindicated, yes, but also just guilty that he was ruining Jonah's night. His stomach churned even more aggressively and Leo pressed the heel of his head to his forehead, "I'm sorry..."

"Oh shut up," Jonah scoffed, cupping his face, thumbs coming up to smooth his brows, taking him in, "let's go home, alright?"

"I can go home on my own-"

Jonah's whole face fell and if Leo hadn't been looking at him, he wouldn't have caught it. The hurt, fear and disappointment all in one, quickly masked away by careful indifference.

"You don't want me to go?"

"I didn't say that, you idiot," Leo groaned, then decided he was done being polite and leaned in, pressing his face to Jonah's peck and muffling a sick burp against his jacket, "do you want to come?"

He could almost hear Jonah eyerolling. Instead his hand came to rest on Leo's nape, rubbing little circles there as he carefully guided them, never once pulling Leo away even though it made walking very difficult.

It was a nice night, the type that wasn't too warm, but wasn't cold either and Leo only pulled back once they were outside. He rubbed at his eyes, breathing deeply through his nose.

"I'm sorry, Jon... We can come tomorrow to check it out, I promise-"

"Please stop," Jonah sighed, opening the car door for him, "get in."

Leo obeyed without a comment, unsure if Jon was annoyed or not, unsure if he was annoyed or not. He should be, rigth?

Instead he leaned in and pressed his forehead to the dashboard of Jon's fancy sports car, undoing the fly of his social pants and groaning as it brought a tiny spark of relief.

He heard as the driver's door snapped shut, then felt Jon's hand in his hair, voice smooth and calm as he said, "what's wrong, baby?"

"My belly really hurts," Leo groaned, sinking his fingers on his normally flat stomach. It was tender to the touch, too warm, "I feel sick, Jon."

"Gonna hurl sick?" Jon asked wearily, but for once it wasn't as much like he was worried about himself, much more about his boyfriend, "Leo?"

"I don't know," the blonde sighed, "not sure."

"Okay," Jon squeezed his shoulder, "we'll be home in a minute, I promise."

"Alright," Leo nodded, keeping his head down, arms wrapped around his unhappy, bloated belly.

He was thankful that Jonah was true to his word and that his apartment building was just around the corner, because the short ten minutes long drive was enough to heighten his carsickness and the moment the car came to a stop, Leo pushed the door open and turned around, retching towards the concrete ground.

He didn't bring up anything, just some horrible burps that hurt his throat and made his nose burn, and the nausea was still present when he saw from the corner of his eye as Jonah circled the car and crouched down next to him, possible vomit be damned.

"Leo, hey," he rubbed his leg, "let's go inside, you need to lie down."

"I feel sick," he shook his head, trying to communicate he was terrified of puking in Jon's extra fancy elevator, but his boyfriend only sighed and pushed the hair off his eyes, wiping the perspiration away.

"I know, baby, but sitting here won't help... I don't think you're gonna throw up."

"You can't know," Leo groaned, digging in his stomach and bringing up another sick burp, turning his face away just in time to avoid belching on Jonah's face, "I feel really sick, Jon."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," Jonah sighed, then didn't wait for a response, pulling him to his feet, "lean on me, it'll be just a second."

Leo gulped down at the movement, hugging himself as if his stomach was detached from the rest of him and would somehow fall off if he didn't.

Jonah was terribly quiet during the entire trip up, even when they entered the apartment and Leo headed for the bathroom, instead of the bed.

He allowed him a minute of privacy, taking his sweet time in the bedroom and Leo crouched down in front of the toilet, staring at the swirling water and trying to force up whatever was making his belly so sick. He coughed and spluttered, burping again, but despite his burps ending wet and horrible, no vomit came up.

"Baby," Jonah planted a hand on his shoulder, holding his bicep, "I don't think you'll be sick, come to bed."

"I don't wanna puke in your bed," Leo all but whined, dignity quickly starting to fade the sicker he felt, "I already ruined your night-"

"I ruined your night," Jonah corrected him sharply, "don't you dare twist this around. We could've spent it in and I bet you wouldn't be feeling half as wretched," he ushered Leo up and back into the bedroom, "stop caring about the bed, it's not important."

"It is-"

"Leo, for fuck's sake!" Jonah snapped at him, only to wince at his own tone, breathing in, "the bed isn't important, alright? Can you please lie down so I can help?"

Leo sighed, obeying but not without throwing Jon a dirty look, "just because you said please."

Jonah's frustrated, angry frown melted into an amused smile and he moved closer. He was no longer in his tux, had already changed into silk pijama pants and a flimsy tanktop. His hands went for Leo's shirt first, undoing the buttons, since the tie had already been undone in the elevator ride up.

"Oh... Leo..." Jonah said quietly, unhappily as he got a decent look of his boyfriend's belly. Just like Leo imagined, it was bloated, very bloated, gurgling non-stop and slightly blushy too, pushing against the elastic band of his boxers, "that can't feel good."

"It doesn't," Leo grunted, digging his fingers on his sides and forcing up another burp, "feels tight as fuck."

Jonah glanced up, pulling on his pants, "do you want me to rub it?" it was a genuine question and Leo blushed, cursing the way his whole face turned red.

"Sure...?"

"Okay, lie down," Jon nodded, finishing undressing him and then crawling on the bed next to him and rolling onto his side, planting a large hand on top of Leo's bloated belly. The light weight pushed up another burp and the blonde froze, swallowing in.

"Can you get me the bin?"

"You're not gonna be sick," Jonah scoffed, but instead of arguing he rolled away and grabbed the paper wastebasket he left across the room, handing it to him. Leo stared at the two receipts on the bottom, burping towards it, before moving on the bed so he was closer to Jon and there was space to keep the bin right under his left arm, curled near him.

Jonah planted a kiss on his naked bicep, fingers brushing up and down his taunt stomach, the muscles tight against his skin. He drummed his fingers on the side and sighed, "you're so bloated..."

"Uhm," Leo answered eloquently, closing his eyes to avoid looking at him. He was still blushing, "sor-"

"You've got to stop apologizing," Jonah scoffed, pressing under his navel, rubbing his thumb around and popping a pocket of air. A sick, loud and long burp exploded out of Leo's mouth and the man sat up further in bed, reflux burning his throat.

"That hurt..."

"Did it help with the queasiness though?" Jon asked, staring at his domed belly as if it was a puzzle piece.

Leo shrugged, "not sure..."

Only to feel Jonah's fingers pressing in, never releasing the pressure as they dragged from the sides of his belly towards the navel. A gurgle came up, so loud that Jon heard it and Leo blushed even more.

"What did you eat to upset your stomach so badly?" Jon frowned, thumping lightly on the sides and causing a string of small, wet belches to roll out of his boyfriend. Leo rested his hand over Jonah's, gagging.

"Slow, babe, be gentle..."

"Sorry," it was Jonah's turn to apologize as he resumed to a more delicate belly rub, "so?"

"Nothing," Leo thumped on his chest, trying to unstuck a big burp he could feel was there, "I only had coffee since breakfast."

It was the wrong thing to say, Jonah's hands stopped moving, the steel flooding his hazel eyes and making them much more green than brown, "you're joking."

"Uh-"

"Leo!" Jonah cried out, sitting straight up on the bed, "it's been hours - It's no wonder you're sick!"

"I'm not sick," Leo winced, leaning forward to hang his head between his knees and squeezing his belly, "just gassy and queasy-"

"...Oh fucking hate to break it to you but that classifi-"

Leo's chest jostled with an aborted heave and he grabbed the bin with trembling hands, burying his face in it and gagging once, twice - Then a horrible belch echoed in the plastic bucket.

He pulled back after a second, looking pastier than before, "feels... Feels better now."

Jonah let out a sigh, "you're unbelievable..." he pulled Leo back down, snuggling next to him and once again planting a hand on his gurgling stomach, taking care to be gentler this time, "...we're having breakfast together tomorrow," he leaned in, planting a kiss on Leo's temple, "and lunch and dinner."

"Aww he cares," Leo smiled, cheeks all flushed pink and Jonah rolled his eyes, squeezing his tummy a little harder and causing him to burp again.

"Shut up."

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

@demonzriti this song

I'm an engineer for a hundred rubles And I won't get any more. I'm twenty-five years old, and I still don't know I don't know what I want And I don't think there's any reason To be proud of my destiny. !!!But if I could choose myself I'd be me again.!!! I'm twenty-five, and ten of them I sing without knowing what I'm singing about And it's so hard for me to be afraid of the one Who's standing over my left shoulder* (*death) And even if my words aren't clear It's not my fault But as for the one behind my shoulder We're all equal before her (*her - death) It may be that tomorrow the hands of the clock Will begin to turn back And he who was taken down from the cross with weeping, Will be crucified again And tender lips will again Look for their Christ But I sang what I sang, and at least in this My conscience is clear I'm happy with the way things turned out Even if it wasn't Even with the wind in my head And my temple's a mess !!!I was just trying to grow my garden And not spoil the beautiful view!!! And the stationmaster will understand me And the careless fisherman will forgive me

y know this song always made me sad bc "I'm an engineer for a hundred rubles; And I won't get any more". makes me think bout desperation that is everywhere here in this country, it's so impossibly hard (genuinely!) to get a bright future, makes u think about this "my parents, grandparents, grand-grand etc never got a good life, how am i any better?". sense of inferiority and shit. but the thing is, there's no right or wrong way to live this life. i don't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation or smth other, i believe there's only one chance. i was a careerist for a very long time and since i was 19 my mindset has become absolutely wildly capitalistic (before that it was depressingly humble). work, money, success was the main thing. basically this is the reason why i ended up my 1st & 2nd relationships, this careerist mindset fucked up my life in many ways. but at some point you choke on this endless race and burn out. and all this year i was deeply burn out and in the last few months, i've been looking more at the people around me and life in general. I let go of a lot of things. i looked at my parents just drinking in the country and looking at the stars: they were just in the moment. they find these simple joys in life. when my art teacher died i had a little conversation with my mom and the gist of it was “it's too late, so all of your mistakes is the lesson for the future”. I never understood how they were so calm about death: then I realized what horrors they had to go through in life, much earlier than i did. they cried their tears and I have to cry mine. it's just life! loss is what unites us as human beings, I think. anyway, It all makes me think even more that there are no bad and good people, no good and bad life. it's all very complicated. very heterogeneous. in some years I thought I understood this life as a structure. but now I realize that I'm only 22 and I don't understand anything. because I can't understand it yet. life is a beautiful thing just by itself. I can't contradict myself and say that “this is the right way to live”. because there is no such thing! It is my personal understanding that the most important thing is to remain human and sincere. we inevitably make mistakes, we inevitably get hurt. “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice" Now, in these last months, I have come to the point that I just want to live. accept everything that life brings. I have abandoned my ambitions. and sometimes it makes me incredibly sad and hurt, but I don't know. we discussed this with a friend, I was doing a test assignment for one gamedev studio and I was saying how happy I was to draw something to order again and I don't care that this order is absolutely tasteless. She didn't understand me at the time, and recently she had a similar thing with work. she says to me, "God, I'm writing about such an uninteresting thing for me, but I'm writing! it makes me happy." And that's exactly what I was telling her. I will probably live a completely ordinary, unremarkable life, maybe I will never leave this country, maybe I will never succeed (what is success? it's different for everyone), but I'm learning to appreciate what I have: my work, which I incredibly love, the people around me (I'm trying to learn not to run away from them), life in its small manifestations. I can only live in extremes and I'm learning to live smoother and more flexible. Life is very flexible itself. "I was just trying to grow my garden; And not spoil the beautiful view" I'm sorry, I can talk for a very long time. in short: a) get the fuck away from yourself!! b) accepting life as it is (ugly, tragic, unfair, hard, funny, kind, beautiful etc) c) remain human (One artist told me that he believes that you need to respect yourself and respect others. without respect for yourself, you will not respect others and vice versa) d) success is a very illusory thing. where is the imposed, and where is the real? e) be honest

i dont know fr. my mind is blurry and i'm afraid that i didn't find the right words. It all sounds like "put up with all the shit and eat it with spoons," but that's not what I mean. you don't have to give up and hang your head if you have goals. and you shouldn't go into indifference to the world around you and the events taking place in it. but at the same time, accept any losses and difficult events. It's just life. I don't know. It's so easy to say, "this is life in its diversity," and it's so hard to express what it means

"But if I could choose myself; I'd be me again"

"I sang what I sang, and at least in this; My conscience is clear" <- this is it. this is life

[soleilocverse]

Chapter 22 Commentary

Before I start this I want u to know I have ELEVEN. THOUSAND WORDS. of scrapped / rewritten stuff for this chapter u have no idea how much this chapter kicked my ass. like. i was writing it for like 7 months, my snips doc is LONGER. than the actual chapter

Cyrill shifts, trying to fix his slipping foot, and Soleil jumps with a flinch.

Initially I had Cyrill reaching out to touch Soleil w/o waiting for an answer. but like, between the BDSM / sex work specifically and scenting etiquette generally, i think Realistically he wouldn't in this case. I think, maybe further along when soleil is used to his touch / hasn't panicked from it in a hot minute he would do it instinctively and it might backfire, but in this case I think there's still enough distance between them + he has enough practice asking "is touch okay" and waiting for consent to touch soleil. (in the draft, cyrill's train of thought is that soleil feels better after a scenting and he announces he's going to touch soleil, just to give him some support, while moving at the same time to do so (instead of waiting) bc he's hoping that once he can start scenting it'll calm soleil down. but on re-read i was like >> he's not quite panicking enough to override the practice of ask then consent. he's just really uncomfortable w/ sitting and letting soleil cry + he desperately wants to do smth to comfort him. but clocks that touching soleil w/o his permission is a p bad consent violation especially wrt his past. even if he Is only trying to/wanting to help)

And then! Omega brain :) in overdrive just trying to make soleil comfortable (and, simultaneously wanting comfort himself but it's not really a conscious thing) Lots of cyrill wanting to help or do things a certain way but holding back this chapter (or trying to hold back and failing lol) I'm hoping the switch up in tone isn't too jarring but cyrill really is happy to have one-on-one time w/ soleil, In His Nest, and like ray (and athena), he's not nearly as concerned about being sick as soleil so for him. oh, AHDKHKHAK "i can fix him" is what just popped into my head but cyrill is like :D we will make it like a sleepover and everything will be fine now and i will help soleil feel better and it'll be great and also, In My Nest :) (also has been horny bc that's what he gets when he's sick but. he knows that's not an option, it still just makes him !!!!!!!! to have soleil scenting things his partners scented and again. in his nest. where he can provide and make him feel save and loved and comforted)

Soleil nods and then promptly ignores that. It’s bad to lie but it’s worse to be loud.

Was rereading for editing and kinda gave myself whiplash bc i was like lol at the first sentence and then got smacked with the second. Especially coming off of cyrill having an honestly p okay time POV

Also I'm like really happy w/ the pacing up to this point?? The pacing on this chapter was SUCH a pain, it was a delightful commenter who mentioned liking when i switched POV's that had me like ohhhhh maybe that's what this needs. bc soleil pov is great but oh gosh can it get long,,,,,,, also like, idk if it's dif for others who r reading this Once (or rereaders!!!! i adore u) if soleil's anxiety pov goes on too long i like, have to go do breathing exercises so ahdkjsahkdhaskjdhksa. it was nice hitting this point, checking the scroll bar and seeing i was exactly halfway through the chapter. that felt like good pacing for me @ okay, now we r in new location and hopefully the back half of this chap will be an upswing in mood

"All that mucus and gross sh-tuff,"

I think it's v funny that the others do their best not to curse around soleil. it's partially that curses can sometimes be perceived as cursing = angry and they don't want to frighten / trigger soleil. but also, i think it's a side effect of not wanting to curse around ness (who soleil is often. attached to) which is funny to me

Soleil’s asked for too much, he shouldn’t have gotten sick; he’s imposing, he’s being a burden, he’s being a mutt— ...but what if he taints him—

Obv the rhetoric is v metaphorically in quotes, I hope you can hear Grey's voice w/o me having to say it. I don't think the others clock just how far Soleil is slipping back in terms of thought process. Bc it's p internal atp and most of his external worries are around getting ness (and others) sick. But i think the fact that he's able to cry about it -> to recognize that it's stressful and he feels awful, is better than him pushing it down / repressing it.

Soleil slumps against the doorway of the bathroom

Wait I was just reading a reddit post about like, what americans do that signal in other countries that they're american and one of the points was "always leaning on things" and then i catch soleil leaning on this doorway for like a 3 second break conversation akdasld. it's partially like, chronic pain on both of our parts but oh boy do i love leaning on stuff <3

Evidence pile, evidence pile, except he keeps coming back to the evidence pile and he keeps. Freaking out.

I thought it was really important to show that Soleil is /trying/ to use some of those techniques he learned in therapy. Genuinely and for the right purpose (we'll get into how he misuses some of them w/ Penny next chapter) and ofc it's still overwhelming and it'd be easier / more familiar if he was able to slip back into old patterns. If he was still and quiet, if he was unseen, even to be hurt/punished would be familiar and therefore "better" than what he's dealing with now so he can't help but "wish" for it. "Wish" in quotes bc I think he knows, as the reader does, that none of the others would approach any of his struggles by purposely harming him. I wasn't sure exactly how to tag that but I don't think it's something unfamiliar at this point / in these kinds of situations and can count under the "misc trauma responses" blanket warning

“I don’t know,” he keens. “I don’t know.” A little burst of anger heats him—if Cyrill would just leave him or stop—stop asking him things like he’s a person— “Why—Just pick—”

I have yet to /really/ get into Soleil not being treated like a Person, partially bc I think Soleil is repressing it and he Does have memories of what it was like living before Grey, so it's not like he can't (re-)adjust at all to walking on two legs and sitting on chairs and taking a hot shower whenever he feels like it. And Grey could've been >> worse in some ways, like it's not as if Soleil Never walked, he was still spoken to (even if in demeaning ways), he was fed >> three times a day >> sometimes but the food was on trays etc. So like, the point being Grey didn't Actually really ever treat him like a dog, he treated him as a person that he wanted to humiliate and dominate. So Soleil never really was not-a-person, just a very dehumanized one, who still knew enough and had enough personhood to bargain when he really needed/wanted to. And sometimes being a person means that accepting or feeling that being told what to do and when to do and how to do it is easier, especially when following all those rules hurts less

He doesn’t think he can pick apart his feelings because he’ll pick himself apart in the process and he’s trying so desperately to keep himself together.

I like the literal sound of this sentence @ the metaphor but again wanted to point out he Does try. it's just that he has SOOO little practice in using his coping methods in the long-run that he just absolutely folds under this high-stress situation. next ch will be better for him <3